Counseling the Codependent

A Way Out

Leading the Way to Wholeness

Jean LaCour

Counseling the Codependent

Leading the Way to Wholeness

Jean LaCour

“We use this book as one of our core courses. We, at N.C.C.A., know that it is a valuable tool to aid our counselors. Dr. Jean LaCour has revealed to us in this course that all temperaments can be codependent and that they all need to learn to recognize their codependency traits in order to overcome them.”

Dr. Phyllis J. Arno N.C.C.A.

“I have found “Counseling the Codependent: Leading the Way to Wholeness” to be invaluable in my counseling practice. Many times I use it as a reference guide to cross check topics that I use to guide the codependent client to issues that need to be addressed in their recovery program.”

Rev. Dana L. Hepworth CAAP II Executive Director, Life Recovery Ministries, Inc.

“Dr. LaCour’s book presents a clear explanation of the spiritual aspects and implications of codependency and imparts important insights into codependent behavior that I had not considered before. It is very useful in communicating these issues to others.”

Sharron K. Cosby Legacy/Legal Department Director Salvation Army, Florida DHQ

“The entire codependency issue tends to be either overstated and popularized or minimized and denied totally by certain clinical groups. This type of diagnostic quagmire tragically ignores or increases the pathology of too many people who strongly identify with the symptoms. Dr. Jean LaCour has successfully cut through the 'junk' and provided a user- friendly, Biblically- sound resource. Caution: If this tool is used, it will bring fruit and freedom from real life-controlling codependent issues. Use it to your health and to the wholeness of those you are called to serve.”

Rev. Ron Ross Netcasting Ministries Author, Growing Beyond Life’s Hurts

““Counseling the Codependent: Leading the Way to Wholeness” offers an in- depth look into the complexity of codependency. It offers hope and freedom to those bound by its chains. Her enlightening explanations of the interaction of temperament and codependent behavior are very practical. I have found it to be a useful tool in small group classes at church and for one-on-one sharing at our local homeless shelter.”

Patti Brown Clergy Wife Lay Counselor & Community Volunteer Fairfax, VA

About the Author

Jean LaCour, Ph.D., CAPP

Dr. LaCour is president and co-founder of the NET Training Institute, Inc., a school for life long learning in Counseling and Addiction Studies in Orlando, Florida. Founded in 1996, as a nonprofit corporation, the Institute has trained over one thousand students who desire to serve the wounded, the addicted, the marginalized and the poor. The Institute provides both Christ centered and faith based professional and ministry level training in addiction, prevention, counseling, and recovery support services. The Institute offers live instruction, distance education courses and seminars. The Institute contracts with organizations desiring staff development and consultation to improve recovery support services in their own communities using NET Institute training materials.

The NET Institute is a recognized training provider for three IC&RC boards, Florida, Georgia, and the World Federation of Therapeutic Communities, and nationally for NAADAC, The Association for Addiction Professionals.

Internationally Dr. LaCour has trained in over a dozen nations including Egypt, Pakistan, Russia, and India. She serves with leaders from seven other nations on the Leadership Council of ISAAC, the International Substance Abuse and Addiction Coalition based in England. The NET is committed to developing appropriate materials and methods for overseas training. Nationally she serves as a member of the steering committee for SAMHSA’s “Partners For Recovery” initiative. In 2004, her expertise in faith based substance abuse organizations led to her participation as faculty on a panel traveling the nation for CSAT’s Technical Assistance meetings for the “Access to Recovery” program.

Regionally she is on the Southern Coast ATTC workgroup charged with developing effective collaboration between faith based and secular clinical based treatment organizations. The workgroup’s briefing paper is one of the first in the nation to provide practical tools and guidelines for effective partnerships to help more people into recovery and achieve long term success. The NET Institute hosts an annual recovery conference which draws national speakers and dozens of faith based recovery support and compassion ministries. Ordained to ministry in 1994, Dr. LaCour received the Arno Award for Outstanding Contribution to pastoral counseling by the NCCA. In 1999, she was recognized by Florida NAADAC as Professional of the Year for her pioneering work in promoting faith based addiction training, including professional counselor certification and program development for recovery ministries. In 2005 she was appointed to Governor Jeb Bush’s Faith-Based and Community Advisory Board. The NET Institute endeavors to equip and inspire a vital and skillful Army of Compassion to serve those in need.

And be not conformed to this world:

but be ye transformed by the

renewing of your mind

that you may prove

what is the good and acceptable

and perfect will of God.

Romans 12:2 Introduction

Temperament Theory and Therapy are applicable in identifying, understanding, and counseling clients dealing with codependency. The Arno Profile System (APS) is effective in determining the underlying temperament and gives valuable information for helping a person unlearn the self destructive behaviors associated with the personality disorder of codependency.

Temperament directly determines the direction and intensity of codependency and therefore the strategies most useful for breaking any self defeating bondage.

Before the late 1980's, the term “codependency” was rarely heard outside the treatment field of chemical dependency and substance abuse. Since that time, it has exploded into all areas of the counseling and psychology profession and is well established in the popular vernacular.

Part I of this course consists of seven chapters presenting codependency from a Christian perspective. Detailed behaviors and characteristics are included to aid in identification. Family of origin issues include:

¾ Codependency as a means for survival ¾ Codependency as a legacy of adult children of alcoholics ¾ Codependency as spiritual striving ¾ Codependency as obedience to a false image or system of rules

The relationship between codependency and alcoholism cannot be ignored. Background is given for the present day Twelve Step program of Alcoholics Anonymous and how it might be adapted for use in Christian settings. The section closes with three potent recovery strategies for codependency used in the field of Christian Counseling today:

¾ Identifying unhealthy roles ¾ Identifying false belief systems ¾ Recovery stages

A discussion of "God's Healing Process" is offered as a useful model for understanding HOW to turn to God to receive His help. The role of forgiveness is discussed in detail.

Part II begins with a look at the psychodynamics of the development of a personality disorder. Codependent behavior is presented as paradoxical because it often mimics healthy behavior patterns. To be effective in breaking through barriers of denial, the counselor must be aware that most codependent clients perceive their own actions and intentions as "good".

Temperament is presented as the Biblical view of individual identity. Temperament is then differentiated from the doctrine of "Determinism," and further explained using the concept of the "Inner Man".

A brief overview of Temperament Therapy is given with clear definitions of the three areas within each temperament: Inclusion, Control, and Affection; and the two types of needs: expressed and wanted. The concept of "self care" is presented as an approach to recovery from codependency based on temperament needs.

Seven classic traits of codependency are identified and correlated with the strengths and weaknesses of each temperament type. Since the National Christian Counselors Association has many resources which provide in depth information on the five temperaments, only the strengths and weaknesses of each will be outlined.

Conclusions are offered for each temperament type to help the counselor identify and understand the issues affecting the codependent client. Individual temperament will dictate the emphasis of self care and recovery. Case studies will be included to provide examples of how temperament influences the psychodynamics of codependency. TABLE OF CONTENTS

PART I

I. CODEPENDENCY OVERVIEW...... 1

II. CHARACTERISTICS OF CODEPENDENCY ...... 10

III. FAMILY OF ORIGIN ISSUES ...... 20

IV. DYSFUNCTIONAL FAMILY RULES...... 30

V. ALCOHOLISM ...... 40

VI. RECOVERY STRATEGIES...... 54

VII. GOD'S HEALING PROCESS ...... 65

PART II

VIII. THE PSYCHODYNAMICS OF A PERSONALITY DISORDER ...... 75

IX. TEMPERAMENT ...... 83

X. TEMPERAMENT THERAPY ...... 93

XI. CODEPENDENCY ...... 100

XII. THE MELANCHOLY TEMPERAMENT ...... 109

XIII. THE PHLEGMATIC TEMPERAMENT...... 117

XIV. THE SUPINE TEMPERAMENT ...... 123

XV. THE CHOLERIC TEMPERAMENT ...... 132

XVI. THE SANGUINE TEMPERAMENT ...... 140

SELECTED BIBLIOGRAPHY ...... 150 NOTICE: We highly suggest that you take the Arno Profile System report (formerly known as the Temperament Analysis Profile). Please complete the list of questions according to the instructions BEFORE YOU READ Part II on “Temperament” so that you will not be influenced by the information.

Take the following steps: 1. Complete the Profile according to instructions 2. Pay the processing fee of $24.00 3. Fax Profile and Credit Card Payment OR Mail Profile and Check to:

New Horizons Institute of Counseling Attn: Dr. Pierre Samaan 1301 Beville Rd., Suite 17 Daytona Beach, FL 32119

Voice 386-760-0445 Fax 386-767-4826

You will receive your personal evaluation by return fax or mail.

Counseling the Codependent

Part I

CHAPTER I

CODEPENDENCY OVERVIEW

GOD'S BIG PICTURE

In this opening chapter it is important to gain a proper perspective on the subject of codependency. It will be viewed from various mental health disciplines and spiritual perspectives. Each author cited has chosen to emphasize a particular aspect and/or causative factor. Most of these resources have been written since 1987! Since that time there has been an information explosion in secular and Christian circles regarding codependency. How does it all fit the "Big Picture"?

First of all, the Bible teaches that man is a three part being: spirit, soul, and body. It is man's spirit, which is born again when we choose to accept the free gift of salvation (eternal life) offered to us through the death and resurrection of Jesus Christ. Our spirit man is the eternal part of us which is REGENERATED by the spirit of God when we are translated into His Kingdom. It is a mystery of faith and of God's grace.

Our soul is made up of our mind, will, and emotions. It is the invisible part of us, our personality, our individuality, our history/memory. Romans 12:2 states that our minds must be renewed if we are to know God's will.

Peter says we are to "obtain as the outcome of our faith the salvation of our souls" (I Pet 1:9). God cares about the condition of our minds, wills and emotions. His new spiritual life is meant to bring restoration and empowerment to our soulish realm. A soul must be healthy to fully experience the abundant life promised by Jesus. The outworking of a healthy soul will be visible. We will treat our bodies with respect and care, enjoying good health which comes from self-discipline and self care.

Secular psychology views man as a two part being: soul and body. Typically the term spirit is used interchangeably with soul, referring to the invisible part of man. Restoring good mental health, a sense of well-being and self-worth, dealing with broken relationships and lack of intimacy are all part of the aid offered through secular psychology which seeks to alleviate human pain and emotional torment. While the "discovery" of codependency has come from secular sources, more and more Christian pastors and counselors are becoming enlightened as to the destructive nature of this disease which ravishes the soul of man.

Counseling the Codependent ~ 1 One fascinating aspect of understanding codependency is that it comes rather like a revelation. No matter how many times its facets/behaviors are described, it if often difficult to comprehend how a "list of characteristics" can elicit so much attention and so many books!

The picture below is often used to show how our perspective defines what we actually see. Many can only see the young woman, while others can only see the old woman. When either gains the other's perspective, it is like a revelation or paradigm shift. A hidden reality becomes manifest.

So it is with codependency. It is more than the sum of its characteristics or its origin. It is a death-inducing disease of the soul. And seeing it, even in its least destructive behaviors, strikes a cord of recognition. "YES, THERE IT IS; THERE IT IS AGAIN!” It appears multigenerationally and cross-culturally. It consistently destroys love and intimacy in every dimension of our lives.1

But once it is identified, it can be dealt with, quite effectively too. Some aspects of the recovery process for codependency will be presented. In our spiritual development it can be seen as part of a progression of the work of the Holy Spirit in our lives. We think of our own private lives and trials in very personal and limited terms, but we must see God's Big Picture and intent for our lives.

Initially, the Holy Spirit's work is to ILLUMINATE. A light is turned on and we SEE. We see ourselves as we are convicted of our sin and we see Jesus, God the Son, for Whom

Counseling the Codependent ~ 2 He Is, REALLY. Not as some religious/historical figure; one of many; or some neutered New Age mystic model. We see Him as the Lamb who takes away the sin of the world, our sin, which we did not see before. Our spirits are regenerated in the moment of acceptance.

Next, the Holy Spirit will begin the work of REVELATION. During this process the Spirit will begin to reveal God the Father. Any distortions we have about "father-ness"; any woundedness; any false beliefs; our ingrained distrust/fear/pride/rebellion; and every soul level weakness will be drawn out and revealed. Not for judgment but for restoration as we learn to accept the Father's deep love and mercy and tenderness. His forgiveness is beyond our understanding. His joy over us is unfathomable. Our souls are restored in a process we can foster or inhibit. We can seek recovery or deny the depth of our need for it.

Another aspect of the Spirit's revelation work is to draw out of us the new nature "Christ formed in us". We become more Christ-like, not by our good works, but by beholding the Father. As our souls are satisfied and we "taste and see that the Lord is good," the Spirit will reveal to us who we REALLY are in Christ and our love for Him will abound even more.

It is so far beyond anything we can ask or think or imagine. Listen to the words of Jesus as He prays to His Father, "O righteous Father, although the world has not known Thee, yet I have known Thee; and these (My disciples) have known that Thou didst send Me; and I have made Thy name known to them, and will make it known; THAT THE LOVE WHEREWITH THOU DIDST LOVE ME MAY BE IN THEM, AND I IN THEM" (John 17:25, 26). Jesus asks His Father to put inside of us the same kind of love that He has for Jesus, because Jesus intends to dwell in us. He also intends to heal every "hole in our souls".

The third work of the Holy Spirit is REIGNING. This follows coming to know Jesus, God the Son, and coming to love and trust God the Father. Jesus causes truth to be in our minds, and the Father's love brings purity to our hearts. Next comes power in our hands as we move in the gifts of the Spirit. Spiritual authority flows into us as we come to know God the Spirit.

There is a time when the recovery/restoration process brings us into a place where the Spirit of God truly moves through our bodies as He has "equipped us for the work of the ministry". "For we are His workmanship, created in Christ Jesus for good works, which God prepared beforehand, that we should walk in them" (Eph.2: 10).

It is a fact that our physical bodies are taxed by the presence/power of God. The anointing or manifest power of God can be unbalancing. Even the prophet Daniel would be

Counseling the Codependent ~ 3 weak after his visions. We must truly be grounded in the Father's love and the restoration of our souls before we can reign in the FULLNESS of the power of the Holy Spirit.

Restoration and preparation are required for moving in healing and the effecting of miracles (I Cor. 12), raising the dead and being supernaturally transported as in the book of Acts.

It is the Spirit's work to transform His disciples into those who can truly move and reign in the "powers of the age to come" (Heb. 6:5). Romans 8:19 says, "For the anxious longing of the creation waits eagerly for the revealing of the sons of God." The sons who know God the Spirit in such a way that He reigns in and through them...the sons who walk humbly before their God...the sons who share the love that is shared between the Father, the Son, and the Holy Spirit.

In such a context codependency is a disease of the soul. It can be healed as we learn the truth of who we are in Christ. It is important in Christian counseling for we are talking about God's people whom He is planning to reveal. To be effectively used of the Lord, people have to be free from the damage inflicted by their own cultural and generational sins. This can happen instantly with a supernatural touch from God in a certain area like our memories, will, self-image, etc. It can also happen as part of a maturing process under godly discipleship and counsel.

God is able to set people free from the weaknesses and defects of their own society. It is possible to see a person shining, freed from worldliness; poverty; control; confusion; rejection; strife; fear; codependency. If we are to minister effectively in our own culture or on the foreign mission field we must be able to identify with another person's cultural weakness without "buying into it", or becoming one with it and giving it control over us. Addressing the issues of codependency is definitely important in God's Big Picture.

Counseling the Codependent ~ 4 BACKGROUND AND DEFINITIONS

“In its broadest sense, codependency can be defined as an addiction to people, behaviors, or things. Codependency is the fallacy of trying to control interior feelings by controlling people, things, and events on the outside. Control or the lack of it is the central issue in every aspect of life for the codependent.”2 The codependent may be addicted to another person. In this interpersonal codependency, the codependent has become so extensively enmeshed in the other person that the sense of self – personal identity – is severely restricted, crowded out by that other person's identity and problems.

Additionally, codependents can be like vacuum cleaners out of control, drawing to themselves not just another person, but also chemicals (usually alcohol or drugs) or behaviors – shopping, busy-ness, sports, work, church activities or things – food, money, or sexuality. They struggle relentlessly to fill the great emotional vacuum within themselves. There is a strong sense of something missing in the individual's life.3

The term “codependency” appeared in the late seventies on the chemical addictions treatment scene. “Originally, it was used to describe the person or persons whose lives were affected as a result of their being involved with someone who was chemically dependent. The co-dependent was seen as having developed a pattern of coping with life that was not healthy, as a reaction to someone else's drug or alcohol abuse.” 4

“Actually it was a new name for an old “game.” “Professionals had long suspected something peculiar happened to people who were closely involved with chemically dependent people. Some research had been done on the subject, indicating a physical, emotional, mental, and spiritual condition similar to alcoholism seemed to appear in many nonalcoholic or nonchemically dependent people who were close to an alcoholic. Words surfaced to describe this phenomenon: co-alcoholic, nonalcoholic, para-alcoholic.

Codependents certainly felt the effects of codependency long before the word was coined. In the 1940's, after the birth of Alcoholics Anonymous, a group of people – primarily wives of alcoholics – formed self-help support groups to deal with the ways their spouses' alcoholism affected them. They did not know they would later be called codependents.5 They did know they had been directly affected by their mates' alcoholism. And, they were envious that alcoholics had a Twelve Step program to recover through. The wives also wanted a program. So they used the A.A. Twelve

Counseling the Codependent ~ 5 Step program, revised the A.A. Twelve Traditions, changed its name to Al-Anon, and it worked! Millions of people have since benefited from Al-Anon.4

The basic thought then, and in 1979 when the word “codependency” emerged, was codependents were people whose lives had become unmanageable as a result of living in a committed relationship with an alcoholic.

However, the definition for codependency has expanded since then. Professionals began to better understand the effects of the chemically dependent person on the family, and effects of the family on the chemically dependent person. Professionals began to identify other problems such as overeating and undereating, workaholism, religious addictions, gambling, and certain sexual behaviors.

These compulsive disorders paralleled the compulsive disorder, or illness, of alcoholism. Professionals also began to notice many people in close relationships with these compulsive people developed patterns of reacting and coping that resembled the coping patterns of people in relationships with alcoholics. Something peculiar had happened to these families, too.

As professionals began to understand codependency better, more groups of people appeared to have it: adult children of alcoholics; people in relationships with emotionally or mentally disturbed persons; people in relationships with chronically ill people; parents of children with behavior problems; people in relationships with irresponsible people; professionals in "helping" occupations – nurses, social workers, counselors, pastors, and others. Even recovering alcoholics and addicts noticed they were codependent and perhaps had been long before becoming chemically dependent. Codependents started cropping up everywhere.”5

When a codependent discontinued his or her relationship with a troubled person, the codependent frequently sought another troubled person and repeated the codependent behaviors with that new person. These behaviors, or coping mechanisms, seemed to prevail throughout the codependent's life – if that person did not change these behaviors.

Was it safe to assume codependency was triggered through relationships with people who have serious illnesses, behavior problems, or destructive compulsive disorders? Alcoholism in the family helped create codependency, but many other circumstances seemed to produce it also.

One fairly common denominator was having a relationship, personally or professionally, with troubled, needy, or dependent people. But a second, more common

Counseling the Codependent ~ 6 denominator seemed to be the unwritten, silent rules that usually develop in the immediate family and set the pace for relationships. These rules prohibit discussion about problems; open expression of feelings; direct, honest communication; realistic expectations, such as being human, vulnerable, or imperfect; definitions about selfishness; openness about sexuality; trust in other people and one's self; playing and having fun; and rocking the delicately balanced family canoe through growth or healthy change. These rules are common to alcoholic family systems but can emerge in other families too. Chapter IV is an in-depth discussion of these damaging family rules.

In defining codependency we need to see that it is an identifiable, unhealthy compulsion in its own right, apart from the chemical dependency field. A codependent person is "addicted", not to a destructive substance, but to a destructive pattern of relating to other people, a pattern usually learned from childhood in an abusive or non-nurturing home. Codependency holds a person hostage to other people's behaviors, moods, or opinions, and the codependent bases his or her worth and actions on someone else's life. It is a terrible bondage.

Codependency is included in four different fields or disciplines in counseling. First, in the Chemical Dependency field which includes alcoholism, drug addiction, sexual or gambling addictions, and addictive relationships. Second, in the Mental Health field as a character or personality disorder, along with depression and obsessive-compulsive personality. Thirdly, it is included in the parameters of Family Therapy as families are viewed as systems. And fourthly, in the area of Women's Issues which deal with codependency as a cultural tendency to entrap and devalue women through warped role assignments.6

Therapists from these different fields have not agreed on one clinical description of codependency because of the many facets and differing emphasis of each clinician. But we can glean much insight from the insights of the various writers in the recovery field. Christian author Nancy Groom gives the following definition in her book on codependency, FROM BONDAGE TO BONDING:

Codependency is a self-focused way of life in which a person blind to his or her true self continually reacts to others, being controlled by and seeking to control their behavior, attitudes, and/or opinions. This results in spiritual sterility, loss of authenticity, and absence of intimacy.7

Codependency is a matter of degree. Everyone feels controlled by people and circumstances at times; codependents feel that way most of their lives. Everyone tries to

Counseling the Codependent ~ 7 control others to some extent; codependents think they will die if they lose control. Everyone has blind spots; but codependents live in denial about basic realities in their relationships.

There is a line of continuum going from healthy mutual interdependence on one end to unhealthy, debilitating codependency on the other. Everyone falls somewhere along this line, but people who live (or used to live) in close relationship to alcoholics, drug abusers, workaholics, or other obsessive persons usually occupy the codependent end of the spectrum.

There are no clear-cut indicators of just when a person steps over the line from being non-codependent to being codependent. A person cannot be a little bit pregnant, but they can be a little bit codependent. However, codependency is also progressive, so the longer a person pursues codependent strategies for dealing with life, the more codependent he or she becomes. Eventually those strategies become an addictive way of life, a person's primary and compulsive method for relating to God, self, and others, and then it is possible to say that a person is codependent.

IMPLICATIONS FOR CHRISTIANS

Spiritual sterility and the inability to form intimate relationships are the fruit of codependency. So it is no wonder then that in the scope of Christian counseling codependency is emerging as a major epidemic according to the highly respected professionals at the Minirth-Meier Clinic in Dallas, Texas.

When roughly one hundred million Americans across two concurrent generations suffer problems of codependency, there is no other word to describe it. Their goal with codependents is twofold: to ease the immediate problems and pain caused by codependency, and to prevent future multigenerational damage.8

Problems stemming from codependency are tragic and affect Christians and non- Christians alike. Problems like divorce and relationship difficulties; substance abuse; compulsive behaviors keeping people out of control; religious addictions which become obsessive but give no life; anger beyond reason; depression; denial of problems, and more.

When Jesus said, "You will know the truth, and the truth will set you free," His listeners replied, "We...have never been slaves of anyone" (John 8:33). By denying their slavery, they refused their freedom. As with the Gospel, the bad news (we are all sinners) must precede the good (Christ has paid the price). It is painful to admit problems and to see the reality of our lives and broken relationships. In order to heal and break free from

Counseling the Codependent ~ 8 debilitating patterns, "we must first recognize that slavery is at the root of the perpetual pain in our lives."9

When we honestly open our hearts to God and have the courage to see ourselves as He sees us, then His love will begin to move into our hearts in a deeper way and begin to set us free. When we become desperate enough to face the reality of our emotions, our relationships and our world, and entrust them to God, He will break the yoke and set us free.

When we choose to trust enough to receive feedback from those who truly love us and see our dilemma, then we will discover that God has an identifiable healing and recovery process. The Holy Spirit is faithful to comfort us in this season and to change us as we become open to having our minds renewed and our lives restored.

Living as a Christian requires honesty and courage in order to learn more loving ways to relate to God and to others. Understanding codependency and seeking recovery and help when necessary are important ways to move toward the wholeness and abundant life which Jesus offers.

------

NOTES

1 Leslie McNulty, Credit must be given for her insight into the workings of the Holy Spirit, Daytona Beach, 1993.

2 Robert Hemfelt, Frank Minirth, Paul Meier, LOVE IS A CHOICE (Nashville, 1989), p. 11.

3 Ibid.,p.12.

4 Melody Beattie, CODEPENDENT NO MORE (San Francisco, 1989), p. 29.

5 Ibid., p. 30.

6 Ann Wilson Schaef, CODEPENDENCE MISUNDERSTOOD/MISTREATED (San Francisco, 1986), p. 27.

7 Nancy Groom, FROM BONDAGE TO BONDING workbook (Colorado Springs, 1991), p. 19.

8 Hemfelt, Minirth, Meier, p. 14.

9 Kenneth A. Schmidt, FINDING YOUR WAY HOME (Ventura, 1990), p. 17.

Counseling the Codependent ~ 9 CHAPTER II

CHARACTERISTICS OF CODEPENDENCY

LEARNED BEHAVIORS

While there may be variations offered for an exact definition of codependency, there is much agreement about the characteristics or manifestations in a person's life. There is great overlap on the symptoms, problems, coping mechanisms, and reactions. "These are also the points which dictate recovery. They are the things we need to recognize, accept, live with, deal with, struggle through, and frequently change."1

Having these problems does not mean that a person is bad or defective or inferior. Some are learned behaviors from childhood training, some are learned from a false interpretation of Christianity or another religion, and some are characteristics taught as desirable feminine qualities. Many learned these patterns as a way to survive in a dysfunctional family, or under a repressive political regime.

Most of these behaviors were done out of necessity for protection and to get emotional needs met. It is particularly difficult to live with sick, disturbed or troubled people. It is horrible having to live with a raving alcoholic. Many have been trying to cope with outrageous circumstances. These efforts have been both admirable and heroic. Most people do the best they can.

However, self-protective devices typically outgrow their usefulness and even become destructive. Many codependents are barely surviving and most are not getting their needs met. It has been said that codependency is a way of getting needs met that doesn't get needs met. Most codependents do the wrong things for the right reasons.2

But the good news is that people can change; they can learn new, healthier behaviors; they can move into God's healing cycle. People can be inspired and encouraged to change and they can learn from healthy role models.

But awareness must come first for many do not even realize that what they have been doing has not worked; they only know their own pain and futility and a sense of being out of the flow of God's blessings – His peace, joy, and fruitfulness. Many have been so busy responding to the other people's problems that they have not had time to identify or address their own problems.

Counseling the Codependent ~ 10 DETAILED INVENTORY

The following list is quite extensive and will give the reader an opportunity to identify the categories as well as the subtleties of codependent patterns. 3

CARETAKING Codependents may:

• think and feel responsible for other people – for other people's feelings, thoughts, actions, choices, wants, needs, well-being, lack of well-being, and ultimate destiny.

• feel anxiety, pity, and guilt when other people have a problem.

• feel compelled – almost forced – to help that person solve the problem, such as offering unwanted advice, giving a rapid-fire series of suggestions, or fixing feelings.

• feel angry when their help isn't effective.

• anticipate other people's needs and wait for other to reciprocate

• find themselves saying “yes” when they mean “no”, doing things they don't really want to be doing, doing more than their fair share of the work, and doing things other people are capable of doing for themselves.

• not know what they want and need or, if they do, tell themselves what they want and need is not important.

• react more to injustice done to others than done to them

• feel safest when giving, may feel insecure receiving.

• attract needy people.

• Need a crisis, a problem or someone to help.

• abandon their routine to help others, over commit and overwork.

• blame others, believe others are responsible for their feelings.

• feel angry, victimized, unappreciated, and used.

• find other people become impatient or angry with them for all the preceding characteristics.

Counseling the Codependent ~ 11 LOW SELF-WORTH Codependents tend to:

• come from troubled, repressed, or dysfunctional families and deny it.

• get angry, defensive, self-righteous, and indignant when others blame and criticize the codependents – something codependents regularly do to themselves.

• reject compliments or praise yet desire them.

• feel different and not quite good enough.

• feel guilty about spending money on themselves or doing unnecessary or fun things for themselves.

• fear rejection and making mistakes.

• have been victims of sexual, physical, or emotional abuse, neglect, abandonment, or alcoholism.

• feel like victims.

• struggle with making decisions

• have a lot of "shoulds" and perfect standards

• feel ashamed and guilty.

• try to help other people live their lives instead since they can’t live their own

• get artificial feelings of self-worth from helping others.

• get strong feelings of low self-worth – embarrassment, failure, etc. – from other people's failures and problems.

• believe good things never will happen but wish they would.

• believe they don't deserve happiness but want them anyway

• try to prove they're good enough for other people to love

• settle for being needed.

Counseling the Codependent ~ 12 REPRESSION Many codependents:

• let fear and guilt control their awareness of their own thoughts and feelings.

• are afraid to be who they are.

• appear rigid and controlled.

• lose the ability to feel and become passive.

OBSESSION Codependents tend to:

• feel terribly anxious about problems and people and check up on them.

• worry and lose sleep.

• never find answers.

• feel unable to quit talking, thinking, and worrying about other people or problems.

• wonder why they never have any energy and can’t accomplish things.

CONTROLLING Many codependents:

• have lived through events and with people that were out of control, causing the codependents sorrow and disappointment.

• become afraid to let other people be who they are and allow events to happen naturally and so decide what should happen in everyone’s life.

• don't see or deal with their fear of loss of control.

• try to control events and people through helplessness, guilt, coercion, threats, advice-giving, manipulation, or domination.

• get frustrated and angry when people don’t comply with their advice.

• Don’t feel controlling, but rather feel controlled by events and people.

DENIAL Codependents tend to:

• ignore problems or pretend they aren't happening.

Counseling the Codependent ~ 13 • pretend things aren’t so bad as they hope for the best

• use busy-ness and workaholism to avoid reality

• get confused and sick and depressed.

• compulsively overeat and over spend

• pretend they are fine as things get worse

• believe lies easily and lie to themselves.

• wonder if they're crazy.

• drink to self medicate and ease their pain and/or mask their problems.

DEPENDENCY Many codependents:

• look for happiness outside themselves.

• are threatened by the loss of what they think provides their happiness.

• lacked parental love and don’t love themselves.

• doubt others can love them but seek it desperately.

• drawn to seek love from people who are incapable of loving.

• believe other people are never there for them and will eventually leave them.

• try to prove they're good enough to be loved.

• don't take time to figure out if they love or like other people.

• center their lives around other people to get good feelings.

• don't believe they can take care of themselves.

• stay in relationships that don't satisfy and maybe abusive.

• feel trapped and may trade for new relationships that also are bad.

Counseling the Codependent ~ 14 POOR COMMUNICATION Codependents frequently:

• project everything outward through blame, threats and coercion.

• often bribe and give advice unsolicited

• don't say what they mean.

• don't mean what they say.

• don't know what they mean.

• don't take themselves seriously and don’t expect others to.

• take themselves too seriously and overwork & commit

• ask for what they want and need indirectly – sighing, for example.

• ramble looking for the point.

• gauge their words carefully to achieve a desired effect.

• speak to please others or to provoke them

• speak to get other to behave desirably

• eliminate the word “No” from their vocabulary.

• talk too much, too fast or about other people.

• avoid talking honestly about themselves, their problems, feelings and thoughts.

• Take all or none of the fault.

• wait to express their opinions until they know other people's opinions.

• lie to protect and cover up for themselves and for people they love.

• have a difficult time expressing their emotions honestly, openly, and appropriately.

• begin to talk in cynical, self-degrading, or hostile ways.

• fear bothering people.

Counseling the Codependent ~ 15 WEAK BOUNDARIES Codependents frequently:

• say they won't tolerate certain behaviors from certain people.

• gradually increase their tolerance until they can tolerate and do things they said they never would.

• let others hurt them repeatedly and wonder about their pain.

• complain, blame, and try to control instead of saying ‘No”

• finally get angry or intolerant to set a needed boundary

LACK OF TRUST Codependents:

• don't trust themselves, their feelings, decisions and other people.

• struggle to trust and then try to trust untrustworthy people.

• think God has abandoned them or is a severe task master.

• lose faith and trust in God.

ANGER Many codependents:

• feel very scared, hurt, and angry.

• live with people who are very scared, hurt, and angry.

• fear their own anger and are frightened of other people's anger.

• fear abandonment if they get angry so they stuff their anger.

• think others make them angry and punish them.

• fear making anyone angry and are controlled by their anger.

• cry a lot, get depressed, overeat, get sick, do mean and nasty things to get even, act hostile, or have violent temper outbursts.

• feel ashamed and guilty for feeling angry.

• feel increasing anger, resentment, and bitterness.

Counseling the Codependent ~ 16 • Hurt feelings are safer than anger.

• wonder how long they’ll be angry.

SEX PROBLEMS Some codependents:

• are caretakers not partners in the bedroom.

• have sex when they’d rather not and stuff their anger.

• trade sex hoping to be held, nurtured, and loved.

• try to have sex even when they're angry or hurt.

• can’t enjoy sex because they're so angry at their partner.

• fear losing control.

• can’t find a way to ask for what they need in bed.

• withdraw emotionally from their partner without talking about it.

• reduce sex to a technical act to get it right.

• lose interest in sex and wonder why.

• use pretend reasons to avoid sex.

• wish their sex partner would leave, die, or tune into the codependent's feelings.

• use sexual fantasies to escape and entertain affairs.

MISCELLANEOUS Codependents tend to:

• swing between overly responsible and not.

• become martyrs, sacrificing their wellbeing and even that of others unnecessarily.

• struggle to feel close to people.

• struggle to have fun and be spontaneous.

• passively respond to codependency – crying, hurt, helplessness.

• aggressively respond to codependency – violence, anger, dominance.

Counseling the Codependent ~ 17 • mix both passive and aggressive responses.

• vacillate helplessly in decisions and emotions.

• laugh when they feel like crying.

• stay loyal to unhealthy patterns and people even when it hurts.

• struggle with shame about family, personal, or relationship problems.

• be clear about their own problems.

• cover up, lie, and protect the problem and wonder why it remains.

• not seek help because they tell themselves the problem isn't bad enough, or they aren't important enough or the shame would be too much to handle.

PROGRESSIVE In the later stages of codependency, codependents may:

• feel lethargic, depressed, withdrawn, isolated.

• lose control of daily routine and structure.

• abuse or neglect their children and other responsibilities.

• feel hopeless, trapped, violent or suicidal.

• become seriously ill emotionally, mentally, or physically.

• act out an eating disorder (over- or undereating).

• use alcohol and other drugs and become addicted.

IMPLICATIONS FOR RECOVERY

There is no specific number of traits from the preceding list which guarantees codependency. It is meant to help identify behaviors or areas that cause problems. It is meant to encourage a person to make a decision to change.

UNLIKE MANY OTHER LIFE-THREATENING DISORDERS WHICH HAVE A LONG, ARDUOUS RECOVERY PROCESS, CODEPENDENCY LENDS ITSELF EASILY TO RECOVERY!! Once a person recognizes and accepts their problem and destructive patterns, avenues exist for healing and recovery that actually feel quite good!

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Counseling the Codependent ~ 18 NOTES

1 Melody Beattie, CODEPENDENT NO MORE (San Francisco, 1987), p. 35.

2 Ibid., p. 36.

3 Ibid., pp. 37-45.

Counseling the Codependent ~ 19 CHAPTER III

FAMILY OF ORIGIN ISSUES

HEALTHY FAMILIES AND "LOVE TANKS"

It was pointed out in preceding chapters that much of what we called “codependent behavior” stems from our birth family or family of origin. Scripture indicates that God's pattern for families is good. It is the human unit designed for procreation, nurturing and developing of new human life. From families come tribes and peoples and nations.

The family is a system. It has components and principles that govern the system. The chief component is the marital partnership. If their relationship is healthy, the children have the opportunity to grow.

A healthy functional couple commit to each other through the power of will. They DECIDE and CHOOSE to stand by each other no matter what. A good relationship is based on unconditional love. It's not some maudlin feeling – it's a decision. The healthy marriage is based on the equality of two spiritual beings who connect at the level of their “being-ness”. Each is a whole person. Each grows because of the love for the other, which by definition promotes their spiritual growth.

Each is ultimately responsible for their own actions and happiness. Happiness and satisfaction come from inner resources and an individual's relationship with God. Happiness cannot come from external sources alone.

Mature, healthy relationships are by definition between equal, self-disciplined and self-responsible individuals. A good analogy of a healthy marriage is two people committed to playing the same song on their own instruments with their own unique skills, creating pleasing and ever-changing music.1

Relationships based on incompleteness, neediness or complimenting and fixing one another's woundedness will NOT produce growth or good fruit, much less a harmonious, pleasing sound.

Healthy, mature people understand how to use the four basic techniques of easing the suffering of life's inevitable problems. Discipline is fueled by the commitment of love and is part of the commitment.

Counseling the Codependent ~ 20 Scott Peck, in his book, THE ROAD LESS TRAVELED, outlines these techniques.2 All are scripture based. They are:

1. Delaying gratification. 2. Accepting responsibility for self. 3. Telling the truth and being dedicated to reality. 4. Bracketing ego needs for the sake of spiritual growth.

When two people in a healthy relationship decide to be parents, they can model this self-discipline and self-acceptance for their children. They accept that having children is the most responsible decision of their lives. They commit to being there for their children.

With such a firm foundation in a family, each child has the safeguard of having his dependency needs met appropriately at each stage of his life. Each child can grow from being dependent on his parents to being appropriately self-responsible and independent to ultimately transferring his trust and dependency to God and learning to be interdependent with certain relationships.

In healthy families the children are not constantly judged and measured by their parents’ frustrations and anxiety-ridden projections. The children will not be used to give their parents a sense of power, adequacy or security. They will not have to live out their parents' unfinished business from their own childhood issues. Each child will have access to fulfill his own God-given endowment of uniqueness, talents, and selfhood.

Babies come into families being objects of love and also needing love in order to thrive. As discussed, in a healthy family the parents receive love from God as well as share love between one another. They give birth to children who arrive with a hunger for love which is to be satisfied by the parents' love which is meant to pour into each of their children in a cascading and filling effect.

The Minirth-Meier Clinic illustrates love hunger by drawing a heart-shaped love tank for each person in the family. A baby would come into the world with his heart-shaped tank nearly empty. Ideally the parents' love tanks would be nearly full and ready to fill each of their children with their love, thereby meeting the child's legitimate emotional needs.4

But consider a family where one parent is an alcoholic. Their own love tank is low and is drained further and further as their alcoholism progresses and the parent becomes more self-involved. When the child asks for things, including quite necessary things, the parent generally does not get around to providing them. Promises are broken. In drunken

Counseling the Codependent ~ 21 stupors the child is ignored altogether. Or worse, if the parent is abusive as well as unavailable, the child is filled with fear, trauma and rejection.

But surely the nonalcoholic parent could make up for the lack of love in the child's life; right? No. This parent will spend all their energy trying to keep things a secret and keep life on track, and/or trying to help the alcoholic shape up. The non-drinking spouse is codependent and usually has to keep the family together, tend to the finances, and agonize over the family tragedy.

Depression, anger, and disappointment will consume the nonalcoholic parent's life. While this parent truly loves their own child, they have no more love available for the child on a consistent basis than the drinking parent has.

Thus the child of an alcoholic family grows up with an empty love tank. Often what little love the child had within itself is drained away and pulled out of the child by the needy parents who manipulate their children into providing for their own unmet emotional needs. The proper order of love flowing into children from stable parents is reversed and distorted. The child leaves the family of origin with an empty love tank and as a codependent adult.4

CODEPENDENCY AS SURVIVAL

One of the esteemed pioneers in the recovery movement is John Bradshaw, a former Catholic priest and alcoholic. He addresses family issues extensively.

Codependence is the most common family illness because it is what happens to anyone in any kind of a dysfunctional family. In every dysfunctional family, there is a primary stressor. This could be Dad's drinking or work addiction; Mom's hysterical control of everyone's feelings; Dad or Mom's physical or verbal violence; a family member's actual sickness or hypochondriasis; Dad or Mom's early death; the divorce; Dad or Mom's moral/religious righteousness; Dad or Mom's sexual abuse. Anyone, who becomes controlling in the family to the point of being experienced as a threat by the other members, initiates the dysfunction. This member becomes the primary stressor. Each member of the family adapts to this stress in an attempt to control it. Each becomes OUTERDIRECTED and lives adapting to the stressor....Each becomes codependent on the stressor.5

Humans have built in responses to danger. We also have remarkable survival skills. Any demand that is made on us that becomes a threat is adapted to in several ways. When

Counseling the Codependent ~ 22 threatened, the body prepares to fight or take flight. The heartbeat increases; the muscles tense; blood flow is altered as adrenaline pumps through us; we become hypervigilant, etc.

This state of readiness was intended by nature to be a survival state. But in dysfunctional families, this readiness state often becomes the "normal" state over time and leads to family members developing classic survival behaviors. These include denial, dissociation, repression, withdrawal (flight responses) or anger, identification with the persecutor and reactive and reenacting behavior (fight responses). These survival behaviors are among the characteristics listed in Chapter II.

It would seem reasonable that these behaviors would cease when a person moves out of the dysfunctional situation, but this is not the case. Even when Dad or Mom quits drinking or overworking or overeating or whatever, the IMPACT of the stress continues. It can be from mild (chronic fear) to severe (ongoing traumatic events).

According to Bradshaw, the adult child of a dysfunctional family learned to cope by developing certain patterns of survival behavior which were their actual responses to the violence. Some children will withdraw and hide while others will enter into confrontation or act out in other ways. These behaviors feel normal since they are how the person survived from an early age. While they were once protective and necessary, they become unhealthy and destructive in adult life.

But survival behaviors are hard to give up for they are what got a person through. They often sacrificed themselves to meet the emotional needs of broken and abusive parents. They learned to please and manipulate to avoid pain. They took on roles to play out the family melodrama. They took on parenting their own parents or siblings because there was no one else to do it. They grew up quickly with no time to be childlike. They had to keep up a false front of normalcy at school while the insanity and pain of their home life drained their youthful resources. They learned to shut down emotionally or to escape and self medicate their pain through substance abuse.

This understanding of survival behaviors which leave people powerless and spiritually bankrupt, has shaped Bradshaw's clinical definition. He writes, "Codependency is a set of survival behaviors which are unhealthy patterns of learned behavior. Codependence can be defined as a recognizable pattern of fixed personality traits, rooted in the internalized shame resulting from the abandonment that naturally happens to everyone in a dysfunctional family system."6

Counseling the Codependent ~ 23 He goes on to say that it is always a symptom of abandonment, including neglect, abuse and enmeshment. Codependence is a loss of one's inner reality and an ADDICTION to outer reality.

CODEPENDENCY AS ACOA: ADULT CHILDREN OF ALCOHOLICS

"As paradoxical as it seems, MANY a child of an alcoholic becomes an alcoholic. And if they don't become an alcoholic, they marry an alcoholic or a person with some other compulsive addictive personality disorder." 7

"This paradoxical pattern of adults who grew up in alcoholic families has focused on the truth of "families as systems" more than any other single factor. Some 10 years ago (late 1970's) one adult child after another began to realize that there were commonalities in their lives that seemed to have less to do with them and more to do with their families of origin. "8

This group referred to as ACoAs or A.C.O.A.s became a movement, which is sweeping the country. It has been the work in the chemical dependency field and especially in the ACoA movement that has helped to explain the nature of compulsivity and how it is set up in the dysfunctional family systems. The fact that there are common characteristics of children who grew up in alcoholic families betrays an underlying structure of disorder.

The characteristics make it clear that the children are not just reacting to the drinking of the alcoholic. Rather they are reacting to relational issues, the anger, the control issues, and the emotional unavailability of the addict. The traits are actually a response to the trauma of the abandonment and ensuing shame that occurs in alcoholic families.

CHARACTERISTICS OF ACOAs: 9

• Addictive, compulsive behavior or marry addicts

• Delusion and denial

• Unmercifully judgmental on self or others

• Lack of good boundaries

• Tolerate inappropriate behavior

• Constantly seek approval

• Have difficulty with intimate relationships

• Incur guilt whenever you stand up for yourself

Counseling the Codependent ~ 24 • Lie when it would be just as easy to tell the truth

• Disabled will

• Reactors rather than actors

• Extremely loyal to a fault

• Numbed out

• Over-react to changes over which you have no control

• Feel different from other people

• Anxious – hypervigilant

• Low self-worth and internalized shame

• Confuse love and pity

• Overly serious

• Have difficulty finishing project

• Overly dependent and terrified of abandonment

• Live life as victims

• Intimidated by anger and personal criticism

• Control madness around you (and every other situation)

• Super-responsible or super-irresponsible

(The first letter of each characteristic above spells the words: Adult Children of Alcoholics.)

The alcoholic family may be described as a compulsive family. "Everyone in the system is driven by the distress caused by not being able to get his needs met. Some compared living in an alcoholic family to living in a concentration camp. And like survivors of a concentration camp, ACoAs carry what has been compared to post-traumatic stress symptoms."10

Because of the chronic distress in an alcoholic family, every person in that family attempts to adapt to the chronic stress. No one gets their needs met. Everyone becomes codependent.

Counseling the Codependent ~ 25 Abandonment is the major consequence of this chronic stress. Besides actual physical abandonment by the alcoholic, the neglect of the child's basic emotional needs is another form. With one parent chemically addicted, the other will be codependent on him. Both parents are needy and shame-based. This leads to each child turning inward to a FANTASY BOND of connection with their parents (delusion and denial and false roles) and ultimately to self-indulging habits and painkillers.

The third form of abandonment is abuse. Since alcohol lowers inhibitions and weakens the line between thoughts and expression, physical, sexual and emotional battering are commonplace in alcoholic families.

"Alcoholic families are severely enmeshed which is the fourth way that children are abandoned. As the alcoholic marriage becomes more and more entangled and entrapped, the children get caught up in the needs of both their parents, and the need of the family for wholeness and balance."11 The children take on roles to keep the family system functioning. These roles will be discussed in Chapter VI.

John Bradshaw has done in-depth study into the nuances of adult children. His insight into the development of compulsivity is crucial.

What all this adds up to is that the children, who need their parents' time, attention and direction for at least 15 years, do not get it. They are abandoned. Abandonment sets up compulsivity. Since the children need their parents all the time, and since they do not get their needs met, they grow up with a cup that has a hole in it. They grow up to have adult bodies. They look like and talk like adults, but there is within them an insatiable little child who never got his or her needs met. This hole in the soul is the fuel that drives the compulsivity. The person looks for more and more love, attention, praise, booze, money, excitement, etc. 12

And so it is the driven-ness, or compulsion, which becomes the hallmark of growing up in an alcoholic home. Since it is impossible to relive one's childhood again as a child, it must be dealt with in adulthood. The compulsions will not just go away with time; they must be acknowledged and dealt with.

Anyone with alcoholism in their family history, whether parents or grandparents, siblings, aunts or uncles, need to be alert and aware of the nature of the problems and tendencies mentioned in this chapter. Codependency is real. It is the name for this multigenerational legacy.

Counseling the Codependent ~ 26 CODEPENDENCY AS SPIRITUAL STRIVING

What are the implications for those who have embraced their spirituality by accepting forgiveness for their sins through the death and resurrection of Jesus Christ? While millions of people can relate to the tragedies of troubled or dysfunctional families, there are still millions who came from "normal", productive homes who find themselves living codependent lives. How can emotional dysfunction come from supposedly "good homes?" This is particularly relevant for many Christians who have come to terms with the fact that they are living in misery and failure rather than freedom and joy.

Many feel depressed and trapped in lives with little hope. Though they take their faith seriously and try to obey Christ, they are not really alive. Christ's promises of life, joy, and peace often seem empty even though Christian speakers have exhorted them not to trust their feelings but to have faith in the facts. Supposedly knowing the facts of the faith will then dictate the appropriate feelings to follow. But many realize that their emotions are telling them that something is missing.

Usually they will not seek help until relationships begin to crumble or a family or financial crisis arises in which their survival skills cannot cope. Hopefully they will receive help from counselors knowledgeable about codependency. Many well-meaning pastors only know how to exhort them to "hang in there, pray more, stand on the Word, etc."

But these efforts alone, without looking at underlying problems and unresolved family of origin issues, will not bring healing. In fact, many codependents develop religious addictions, becoming obsessive and compulsive about religious behaviors, working themselves into a frenzy of good works, intense "fervent" prayer, etc., to cover up their intense anxiety and feelings of worthlessness. They never get closer to knowing the love of the Father or to experiencing the freedom in Christ.

In fact, it is possible to become addicted to the momentary relief experienced in praise and worship, or while unburdening and pouring out one's pain to others. If the codependent behaviors listed in Chapter II are ignored or denied, then an individual will remain cut off from themselves, others and God in spite of doing all the "right" proscribed Christian activities.

Codependent behavior reflects a deep-seated, private and often unconscious belief that the road to love, belonging, salvation, acceptance and success is dependent on our own ability to do what we THINK others want or expect us to do.

Counseling the Codependent ~ 27 The practicing codependent has been taught that "doing for others" is a means to achieve these goals. Unfortunately, those we "do for" and those whom we are trying to please are often not as concerned about our welfare as they are about their own.

For the codependent who believes that "okay-ness" depends on their ability to meet the real or imagined needs of others, this approval-seeking or people-pleasing behavior becomes a mood-altering drug of choice.

Once addicted, the codependent becomes blind to the reality of his behavior and to the things that really count, like knowing the peace of God; having self-respect and self- worth; being led by the Holy Spirit; walking in the good works prepared for us beforehand; trusting in His provision; etc.

Operating under a sincere delusion that pleasing people will bring them what they want, codependents become willing participants in a losing game. Instead of success or joy, the codependent approval-seeker inevitably ends up angry, hurt, misunderstood, rejected, used, abused, and often feeling abandoned by God.

We are told to "love our neighbor as we love ourselves." The order is very important. Loving ourselves is God's idea and intention. Generally codependents are blind to themselves yet full of advice for others. They readily see what others need to do, or how others should walk with the Lord, but their own lives are a mess, and their own spiritual lives are sterile and dead or full of striving.

It's like going through a cafeteria line with everyone anxiously fixated on the next person's tray; will THEY make the right choices? Pulling in our focus to our own tray, we are often startled to find that we ourselves have made some very poor, unhealthy choices. We even discover that people close to us have dumped their garbage and emotional refuse on our trays. And we continue to CONSUME it all, denying the consequences of our own choices for partaking of "meals" which are destroying our own mental and physical health. And in our ignorance we insult God by calling this behavior Christian or spiritual.

Codependents misinterpret the scriptures about giving, turning the other cheek, being humble, loving, etc. through their own emotional distortions. They tend to emphasize performance and doing the work of the Kingdom. They confuse true serving with neurotic “de-selfing”. But because the heart is sick, they experience no satisfaction, no power, and see very little fruit from their sacrifices and efforts.

Counseling the Codependent ~ 28 It is through the grace of God that a sincere belief in the truth of the scriptures will oftentimes lead someone to counseling or into recovery when they realize how their own lives are far from the abundant life offered to us through Jesus Christ.

Many Christians hunger to come into the family of God. Little do they realize that the way in will take them back to the unresolved pain and unfinished business of their own family of origin. Our heavenly Father yearns to draw us to Himself and to heal us and to bestow upon us the full glory of our inheritance as His children. Chapter VI offers effective strategies so that we might indeed cease striving and know that He is God.

The next chapter will clarify and analyze the "rules" which become destructive influences in family systems.

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NOTES

1 John Bradshaw, BRADSHAW ON: THE FAMILY (Deerfield Beach, 1988), p. 47.

2 Scott Peck, THE ROAD LESS TRAVELED (New York, 1980).

3 Robert Hemfelt, Frank Minirth, Paul Meier LOVE IS A CHOICE (Nashville, 1989), p. 34.

4 Ibid., p. 35.

5 Bradshaw, p. 164.

6 Ibid., p. 165.

7 Ibid., p. 88.

8 Ibid., p. 88.

9 Ibid., p. 89.

10 Ibid., p. 92.

11 Ibid., p. 93.

12 Ibid., p. 94.

Counseling the Codependent ~ 29 CHAPTER IV

DYSFUNCTIONAL FAMILY RULES

CODEPENDENCY AS OBEDIENCE

Many professionals are coming to understand that codependency can emerge from ANY family system where certain overt (spoken) and covert (unspoken) rules exist – rules that interfere with the normal process of emotional, psychological, behavioral and spiritual development; rules that close off and discourage healthy communication; rules that eventually destroy a person's ability to form a trusting relationship within themselves or between others or with God.

From this point of view codependency is a pattern of living, coping and problem- solving created and maintained by a set of dysfunctional rules within the family or social system. These rules interfere with healthy growth and make constructive change very difficult, if not impossible.1

The real self is denied or repressed because of an erroneous assumption that love, acceptance, security, success, closeness, and salvation are all dependent upon one's ability to do the "right thing." What are the dynamics of these rules that lead to these erroneous assumptions? We will examine the NINE RULES and how they relate to codependency.

THE NINE RULES

RULE 1: IT'S NOT OKAY TO TALK ABOUT PROBLEMS.

Parents may say outright that what happens in our home is private so keep your mouth shut. But usually this rule is learned by experiencing tension in the air and no one talking about it. No one ever confronts the real cause like Dad's drinking, financial irresponsibility, or other outrageous behavior by a family member.

So the family members pretend the problem will go away while they relieve tension by fighting about small, unrelated issues, like household chores, which have nothing to do with the reality of the situation.

If addressing a family problem gets you yelled at or causes your mother to cry, talking is soon avoided. This fosters a feeling of impending doom, knots in the stomach, free floating anxiety, headaches and sleeplessness. People become emotionally numb and learn to deny problems exist.

Counseling the Codependent ~ 30 Ultimately, this denial fosters a deep sense of personal shame. It also teaches people to avoid looking at problems which lead to more dysfunction. All people have problems which must be accepted and addressed in order to be solved. The healthy, normal family is not the family which is problem free for no such family exists; rather the healthy family is the one that faces their problems and challenges and seeks appropriate outside help.

Rule 2: IT’S NOT OKAY TO TALK ABOUT OR EXPRESS OUR FEELINGS OPENLY.

In America many men aspire to the strong, silent image. Women are given more latitude to express themselves but within certain limitations: anger or business assertiveness is considered unladylike. But in any family with unresolved chemical dependency or codependency issues, emotional blocking is a great problem. People learn to "stuff" how they feel. Feelings get buried and emotional lives become like a minefield that's fenced in with warning signs all around. Things can explode and surface when we least expect it. A child can spill his milk and his mother lashes out in condemning fury.

Statements like "Big boys don't cry,” or "Keep that up and I'll really give you something to cry about," or "You don't REALLY hate your sister,” or "OF COURSE, I love you. I pay the bills; don't I?” teach us to block our emotions further. Less subtle messages happen when a child seeks closeness and comfort from a parent and feels them tighten or tense up. Arm's length "closeness" is all that's available. Children learn to be remote and unexpressive as they are taught that their needs for nurturing are inappropriate.

Well-meaning Christians often tell others they ought to feel a certain way, like happy or peaceful, when the person is struggling with fear and loneliness and depression. When someone says they are afraid, our job is not to tell them fear is not from God. They KNOW THAT. They may not know that we accept them even when they are having less than victorious feelings.

Feelings are good indicators of what is going on inside us and if disparaged and rejected, it is possible to be out of touch with important signals and information we need to function. Feeling uneasy around someone may be a key for our safety. Feeling overly exhausted is a signal to withdraw or regroup and not make major decisions. Sensing someone's insincerity may be an accurate indicator for not becoming too involved with the wrong relationship.

It is typical to see people cheerily smiling while their eyes portray real sadness or anxiety. Churches are filled with the "smiling depressed" who know that they must appear

Counseling the Codependent ~ 31 happy and in control and encouraging even when they are filled with many other unacceptable emotions.

Many laugh when they need to cry, take on more responsibility when they need to rest, do "good works" when they need to be still. Their lack of trust in their own feelings makes them search for cues from others as to their next move.

Part of the legacy of growing up in a dysfunctional home is having our instincts and gut feelings sabotaged. A three-year-olld child may sense that something is terribly wrong when her father passes out and falls to the ground and will probably react in deep concern. But when Mom says it's okay, Dad is just sleeping or "camping out", the child learns not to trust their own emotional instincts.

Bizarre behavior becomes "normal", and the child learns not to pay attention to their own emotions and need for reassurance. A child who is being abused learns to shut off their terror and to act like nothing is happening. To survive they freeze up and die emotionally.

Good mental health is our heritage in the Christian walk, but denying and stifling our feelings leads us to believe that it is better for us to deny what we feel rather than to risk letting someone else or God see who we really are inside.

This cutting off of our emotional selves becomes so complete that even we no longer know who we really are. Our heads tell us one thing, "I am a new creature in Christ", while our bodies are trying to tell us something else. We develop things like tension headaches, ulcers, high blood pressure, rashes, sleep problems, etc. Spontaneity becomes impossible. Being aware of our emotions and feelings is a key to understanding our own belief systems and will be discussed in this context in Chapter VI.

RULE 3: DON'T ADDRESS ISSUES OR RELATIONSHIPS DIRECTLY.

Codependents learn to communicate indirectly, with one person acting as messenger between two others (triangulation). Parents should be able to talk directly to one another without having to draw the children or some other third party into the middle of their conflicts.

Children get burdened with the responsibility to "fix things up" between noncommunicating and sometimes hostile parents. Usually the child ends up receiving Dad's disappointment in him if he fails to get the point across to Mom; or if Mom reacts negatively, he winds up on the receiving end of all the anger and rejection she really wanted to direct toward Dad.

Counseling the Codependent ~ 32 Children in reality have very little power over their parents but often get drawn in to lessen the tension and strife. They receive a legacy of guilt and failure leading to shame and a neurotic sense of over-responsibility to fix people and their problems. If divorce is chosen, children who have been go-betweens feel an unhealthy guilt for failing to negotiate effectively.

RULE 4: ALWAYS BE STRONG, ALWAYS BE GOOD, ALWAYS BE PERFECT.

Above all, this rule embodies unrealistic expectations. Success and achievement are important to most of us. We want things to go right. And most of us have a fairly good idea of how things should be done. Sometimes, though, we begin to believe that there is only one right way to do things. We may even begin to believe that even perfect is not good enough.

What happens in some families is that we create an ideal in our heads about what is good and right and best, but this ideal is so far removed from what is possible and realistic that we wind up punishing ourselves and others because our expectations are not met.

This rule ingrains in us a fear of failure which is most destructive. A most common symptom of this fear is perfectionism or an unwillingness to fail. This tendency suffocates joy and creativity. Because any failure is perceived as a threat to our self-esteem, we develop a propensity to focus our attention on the one area in which we failed rather than the areas we did well in. It is possible to be perfectionistic about anything – work, punctuality, housecleaning, our appearance, hobbies, skills, etc.

Perfectionists often appear to be highly motivated, but their motivations usually come from a desperate attempt to avoid the low self-esteem they experience when they fail. Having standards of excellence is commendable and leads to feelings of deep satisfaction and accomplishment. Someone who completes a well executed project glows with pleasure, but not the perfectionist who focuses on the flaws of their work and is drained from striving. Perfectionism is a destroyer of self-worth and satisfaction.2

In another context this rule keeps codependents endeavoring to do the right or expected thing in order to get the love they so desperately need. So the kind action may appear loving but it really comes from the belief that being loved and accepted by others depends on how much we can do for them. The good deeds become tradeoffs for acceptance.

We are not led by the Holy Ghost in doing love-motivated acts of kindness which truly touch the hearts of others. Also we miss the good works which were preordained for us to walk in as we spin off in our own exhausting cycle of good works and people-pleasing

Counseling the Codependent ~ 33 which have no life in them. These fleshly good works often leave us fatigued, disappointed, feeling unappreciated, and confused.

We have done what we thought the Bible teaches, but there is no life or joy in it. Unconsciously we have been giving to get, being good to be acceptable, being strong to please or prop up some other insecure person who has convinced us that our worth is linked to our making THEM feel secure. The latter is a totally impossible situation. Our good works have not come from our inner resources of fellowshipping with the God who loves us and gives us value. We have no life to give away because we are externally directed, the locus of control is outside of us, that is, our sense of being in control, is external and focused outside of self.

We become obsessed with getting everything, everyone, every circumstance to line up with what makes us feel safe. Our sense of "okay-ness" comes from the outside, just the opposite of how the child of God is supposed to rest in the knowledge of God's love, provision, and protection.

RULE 5: DON'T BE SELFISH.

In a family system where this rule is rigidly applied to every situation, feelings of guilt and shame are certain to emerge. It is very hard for codependents to accept the idea that it is normal to think of our own needs first. Normally, there are times in life when it makes good sense to take care of ourselves first. When one has an alcoholic spouse, it can seem selfish to seek counseling; it can mean risking rejection and accusations of being self-centered.

Parents of young children can become overwhelmed from the demands of legitimate caregiving and need to take a break to refuel or get away alone with their spouse. Fulfilling this need by getting away from children for a while will improve the care the parent must give. But many parents may feel guilty or condemned for placing their needs above the children's. Children need parents who realize their marriage relationship is the key to well adjusted children.

If we believe our own needs are wrong, then we will never be able to ask directly for those needs to be met. Consequently, the codependent often tries to get personal needs met through manipulating or by taking care of others. Eventually this makes us overly dependent on others and our whole existence becomes wrapped up in caretaking.

Without somebody to take care of, we feel we have no purpose or worth. The more time we spend taking care of others, the less time we have to devote to own needs. We get

Counseling the Codependent ~ 34 lost in the shuffle, and in the end we do not even know that we have needs, or what they might be.

Ultimately, if those we are serving fail to recognize and appreciate our sacrifices on their behalf, we may start to feel resentful, abused and taken for granted. This in turn leaves us feeling even more guilty and ashamed for being angry. With no apparent way out of this vicious codependent cycle, we try even harder to make up for all our inappropriate anger and "selfishness" by doing more caretaking until the situation deteriorates completely.

Because we feel so wrong inside for putting ourselves first, we continue to set ourselves up to be used. In the end, we feel resentful, bitter and angry. And still our needs go unmet. Many do not realize there are legitimate human needs and these needs vary depending on our age and development.

There are physical needs for safe shelter and clothing, proper diet, rest and exercise. Emotionally we need self-worth which comes from a sense of self-value and from a sense of competence and of belonging to a family and\or group. We must be in touch with our spirituality and not just our soulish psychology. We must have security and safety; a sense of order and predictability; outlets for productive work and creativity; we need to experience nature and behold beauty; we need respect from others; time alone, time with others; freedom to ask for help without being shamed, etc. God created us as multi-faceted beings.

Giving ourselves what we need is not difficult...we can learn how...In any situation, detach and ask, "What do I need to do to take care of myself?" Then we need to listen to ourselves and to our Higher Power and respect what we hear. This insane business of punishing ourselves for what we think, feel and want – this nonsense of not listening to who we are and what our selves are struggling to tell us – must stop. How do you think God works with us? ...no wonder we think God has abandoned us; we've abandoned ourselves. We can be gentle with ourselves and accept ourselves. We're not only or merely human, we were created and intended to be human. We can be compassionate with ourselves. Then, perhaps, we may develop true compassion for others. Listen to what our precious self is telling us about what we need... Besides giving ourselves what we need, we begin to ask people for what we need and want from them...because this is part of being a responsible human being.4

Counseling the Codependent ~ 35 Learning to ask directly for what we need stops us from manipulating others and ripping them off to get our needs met. Example: When we need to take time off but won't until OTHERS INSIST so they can be spared our irritability and self-righteous martyr routine. Our need for rest must be met but our guilt wouldn't allow for it so we actually sin against others to get them to force us to meet our needs while we still keep our false belief in our own spirituality in tact.

Learning self-care and to meet our own needs helps us to forgive ourselves for mistakes and to enjoy our successes. We learn that few situations in life are ever improved by neglecting ourselves. Learning to trust God's grace is part of learning to take care of ourselves.

RULE 6: DO AS I SAY...NOT AS I DO.

This rule, more than any other, teaches us not to trust. If, as children, we are told by our parents to be honest, and then we see them being dishonest, we become confused and suspicious. We stop trusting and begin to count only on ourselves. This is protection from the pain that results from our parents' inconsistency. We come to know that nothing is for sure.

"You kids better behave yourselves," parents shout, then act out their own childish behavior through fighting, yelling, acting out, door slamming, becoming inebriated.

Children will imitate their parents' self-discipline, restraint, dignity and capacity to order their own lives, or they will imitate the LACK of these traits.5

When our parents tell us lies and make promises they can't or won't keep, we begin to question our own worth. Children wonder, "Do they treat me that way because they don't love me?" If a child lacks trust in his parents' love, then it's not difficult to imagine how he might begin to feel insecure with himself and end up developing a real fear of abandonment in all his relationships.

This leads to the people-pleasing, manipulating, and caretaking behaviors already described. It leads to abandoning ourselves and becoming divided inside.

We feel compelled to deny who we really are to others. Being a PHONY means that we can never know for sure if those people close to us really care about us, or just care about the person we pretend to be. This in turn leads to a constant fear of being rejected or being found out for who we really are. Image management becomes primary.

The constant codependent effort to do "right" at the cost of not being true to ourselves simply perpetuates and deepens our sense of shame. Codependents know a lot

Counseling the Codependent ~ 36 about the truth as a result of trying so hard to avoid it, but we find no relief from the emotional fallout of our lie because we never share the truth which divides us from ourselves. In reality codependents are not true to themselves in spite of their words. Codependents do not do as they say.6

RULE 7: IT'S NOT OKAY TO PLAY.

The codependent adult child believes that the world is a very serious place. Life is seen as difficult and almost always painful. This rule lends itself well to the development of negative thinking and a view of ourselves as unlovable, boring, stupid, ugly and wrong. Because of this, the codependent is always working twice as hard as everyone else just to feel okay.

Having some project to work on or some crisis to deal with gives us a sense of purpose. In time, we become preoccupied with a host of more or less important issues – kids, job, in-laws, friends, health – and we get lost. Our preoccupations become a substitute for living. Our identity becomes what we do.

Play is a waste of time and also a threat to our identity. After all, "really serious people don't play." In time it becomes increasingly important to not be without something to do. Having fun is not productive; it's not okay.

Play is spontaneous; it can make us look foolish or childish. Children from troubled and dysfunctional families lose so much of their childhoods. They must grow up early to take care of themselves and even their own parents. Many never learned how to play and to enjoy life.

As adults it's very awkward to learn to play/enjoy life, to risk shaking off the premature and strained adulthood or negative role models forced upon us so early. Yet it is an important way to move toward good mental health and a real appreciation for the joys of life....smelling the roses along the way.

RULE 8: DON'T TALK ABOUT SEX.

Our social and cultural history has long minimized the importance of our sexuality and basic need to talk about it. We have many rules and prohibitions regarding sex, but by and large the over-riding rule is "Don't talk about IT!"

The fact is that just eleven weeks into the process of gestation, we are identifiable as male or female. Even before birth, our sexuality starts to play a significant role in our lives.

Counseling the Codependent ~ 37 Despite the fact that there is no single issue that will affect us more over the course of our lifetime than our sexuality, there is no issue that will get less attention.7

For the codependent, the shame and anxiety associated with unresolved sexual issues is directly proportional to the length of time we have lived by the "don't talk" rules that surround us. And since this is the cultural norm, many people will be stifled in their search for a clear identity until certain issues are addressed.

The attitudes, behaviors and beliefs of our primary caregivers – moms, dads, aunts, uncles or grandparents – play a significant role in the way that we perceive ourselves and the world around. A clear and healthy understanding of sex and sexuality depends largely on our early experiences with these people.

Shame over our sexuality is largely due to our ignorance about it and misinterpretations of what the Bible teaches about "the marriage bed." Our ability to communicate with our spouses about our sexual needs and desires is severely restricted by the damage of the previously mentioned rules. Learning to love the man or woman whom God made us to be is a key part of recovery. The shame will remain with us until we break out of the silence that surrounds the sexual dimensions of our real God-given selves.

RULE 9: DON'T ROCK THE BOAT.

Every family is a system. Each person in the family has a special part, like actors in a play. The family rules help each person to know their part. Family rules make it easier for us to know what is right, wrong, or age appropriate. Stability, balance, and equilibrium are positive results of healthy family rules. Healthy families are able to flex and accommodate challenges and changes and still stay intact.

Dysfunctional families with unresolved chemical dependency, physical or sexual abuse, etc., also seek to maintain a type of balance, but an unhealthy one.

The flaw in the unhealthy system is there is no room for healthy change. For instance, Dad does not want to give up drinking. Nobody wants to confront him about his drinking because it might upset him, and besides, if Dad stopped drinking, then everyone would have to change, and change – even for the better – is frightening.

When one person in an unhealthy system gets help and moves into real recovery, it throws the whole system into crises. When the enabling codependent/caretaker decides to stop rescuing irresponsible family members, it is predictable that they will provoke crises and situations to draw the caretaker back in to meeting their needs and cleaning up their messes.

Counseling the Codependent ~ 38 Even though they may VERBALLY agree that they need to become more self-reliant, they know the right words to press the caregiver's guilt buttons; they are invested in keeping the family system intact.

Unconsciously other family members seek to sabotage that person's recovery in very insidious ways: from accusations, setups with chemical temptations, gossip, ostracizing, etc. A troubled family will destroy one member to keep its denial system from being penetrated by the truth.8

"Don't rock the boat" is the stern injunction, which locks each individual family member inside the other unhealthy rules. It suppresses change, hinders growth, and obstructs any hope of recovery.

------

NOTES

1 Robert Subby, LOST IN THE SHUFFLE (Deerfield Beach, 1987), p. 31.

2 Robert S. McGee, SEARCH FOR SIGNIFICANCE (Houston, 1990), p. 48.

3 Ibid., p. 52.

4 Melody Beattie, CODEPENDENT NO MORE (San Francisco, 1987), pp. 106- 107.

5 Subby, p. 41.

6 Ibid., p. 42.

7 Ibid., p. 47.

8 See Beattie on Denial, p.122

Counseling the Codependent ~ 39 CHAPTER V

ALCOHOLISM

THE REALITY

The American Medical Association recognizes alcoholism as a disease, which can be arrested but not cured. The uncontrollable desire to drink is the key symptom. Alcoholism is a progressive disease. The desire to drink will get worse if the disease is not arrested and it can end in insanity or death. The only method of arresting alcoholism is total abstinence.

Most authorities agree that even after years of sobriety, alcoholics will lose control of their drinking if they begin to drink again. Alcoholism is a lifetime disease.

There are many treatments for alcoholism. Alcoholics Anonymous is the best known, and widely regarded as the most effective. Alcoholism is no longer a hopeless condition, providing it is recognized and treated.

All kinds of people are alcoholics. Most alcoholics are not "bums" or skid-row types. Only three to five percent fit this category. The rest have families, friends and jobs, and are functioning fairly well. But their drinking affects some part of their lives. Their family life, their social life, or their studies or job may suffer. It might be all three. An alcoholic is someone whose drinking causes a continuing and growing problem in any department of his/her life.

Alcoholics drink because they think they have no other choice. Alcohol is their crutch and an escape. They are in emotional pain and use alcohol to kill that pain. Over time they depend on alcohol so much that they become convinced they cannot live without it. This is called OBSESSION.

When some alcoholics try to stop drinking, the withdrawal symptoms are so overwhelming that they go back to alcohol because drinking seems to be the only way to get rid of the pain. This is called ADDICTION.

Most alcoholics would like to be social drinkers. They spend a lot of time and effort trying to control their drinking so they will be able to drink occasionally like other people. They may try limiting themselves to just drinking on weekends or drinking only a specific drink. But they can never be sure of being able to stop drinking when they want to. They end up getting drunk even when they had promised themselves and others that they would not. This is called COMPULSION.

Counseling the Codependent ~ 40 The nature of the disease of alcoholism is that the patients do not believe they are ill. This is called DENIAL. Recovery and hope lie in their ability to recognize their need for help; their desire to stop drinking; and their willingness to admit that they cannot deal with the problem by themselves.1

Alcoholism is a "family" disease. Compulsive drinking is harmful to the drinker and to all the drinker's relationships. These include friendships, employment, childhood, parenthood, love affairs, and marriages which all suffer from the effects of alcoholism. Those special relationships in which a person is really close to an alcoholic are affected most. The people who really CARE the most get caught up in the behavior of this person. They react to the alcoholic's behavior. They see that the drinking is out of control and so they try to control it. They are ashamed and embarrassed if there are any public scenes and they try to handle it in private by getting the alcoholic to agree to stop drinking. It is not long before they feel they are to blame and they take on the hurts, the fears, and the guilt of an alcoholic.

Usually these well-meaning people begin to count the drinks another person is having. They may pour expensive liquor down the drain or search for hidden bottles around the house. All their thinking gets focused on what the alcoholic is doing or not doing and how to get the alcoholic to stop drinking. This becomes their OBSESSION.

It is stressful and painful to watch another human being slowly kill themselves with alcohol. While alcoholics do not seem to worry about the bills, the job, the children, the condition of their health, the people around them do worry, especially the spouse. Often they make the mistake of covering up. They try to fix everything, make excuses, tell little lies to mend damaged relationships, and then they worry some more. This is the center of their ANXIETY.

But eventually the alcoholic's behavior makes other people angry when they realize that the alcoholic is not taking care of responsibilities, is telling lies, and using them. Usually they have begun to feel that the alcoholic does not really love them but is only using them. They want to strike back, punish, and make the alcoholic pay for the hurt and frustration caused by uncontrolled drinking. This is their ANGER.

People who are close to the alcoholic will usually be good at pretending. They accept promises; they believe what they want to believe; and that is that the problem has gone away each time there is a sober period. Even when common sense tells them there is still something wrong with the alcoholic's drinking and thinking, they will still hide from how they feel and what they know to be true. This is called DENIAL.

Counseling the Codependent ~ 41 The most severe damage to those who share some part of life with an alcoholic comes in the form of the nagging belief that somehow they are at fault; perhaps they were not good enough, or not attractive enough, not clever enough to have solved this problem for the one they love. They think it was something they did or did not do. These are their FEELINGS OF GUILT.2

When family members finally seek help, it is usually when they have reached the point of despair, unable to believe in the possibility of change. Their feelings center around being cheated out of a loving companion, being overburdened with responsibilities, and feeling unwanted, unloved, and alone. Even individuals who are arrogant, smug, self- righteous, dominating, and even the wealthy, come to the place of needing help in dealing with the tragic effects of alcoholism.

While driven to seek help because of the behavior of an alcoholic friend, spouse, or other family member, each individual will come to know that their own thinking has to change before they can make a new and successful approach to the problem of living.

It is at this point that the issue of codependence begins to emerge as its pattern surfaces: obsession with another's behavior, anxiety, anger, denial, guilt, self-neglect, caretaking, etc.

As recovery begins for the codependent, there comes the realization that attitudes must change, self-responsibility and self-care must begin, the reality of self-worth in God must be gained, and the key to true spiritual growth must be realized. The emphasis begins to be lifted from the alcoholic and placed back on the individual who has the power to change themselves and no one else.

The power of this change of focus is not obvious in the beginning. It seems risky and foolish to focus on self and not on the other person with the problem. Yet by doing so the dynamic of the relationship is dramatically changed. The alcoholic no longer has an enabler or someone else to take up all the "slack" he has dropped. He will try desperately through anger, innuendo, threats, or other acting out to get the codependent back into "his service".

If the codependent is truly committed to their own recovery and to regaining all that has been destroyed by alcoholism, then the alcoholic has two choices. Either he will find someone else to take up his slack, including well-meaning counselors or church members, or he will gain the benefit of the window of opportunity coming from the codependent's changes to move closer to the reality of his own dilemma.

Counseling the Codependent ~ 42 As mentioned in the discussion on the background of the study of codependency, Al-Anon Family Groups grew out of ALCOHOLICS ANONYMOUS. They are a fellowship of relatives and friends of alcoholics who share their experience, strength and hope in order to solve their common problems. They do this by practicing the Twelve Steps, welcoming and giving comfort to families of alcoholics, and by giving understanding and encouragement to the alcoholic.

ALCOHOLICS ANONYMOUS

A.A. is a voluntary, worldwide fellowship of men and women from all walks of life who meet together to attain and maintain sobriety. The only requirement for membership is a desire to stop drinking. There are no fees involved. It is estimated that there are about 76,000 groups and more than one-and-a-half million members in 114 countries.

Anonymity is the spiritual foundation of A.A. It disciplines the Fellowship to govern itself by principles rather personalities. It creates a society of peers. The program for recovery and not the individuals involved is the focus. No person's identity will be disclosed.

Anyone may attend open meetings of A.A. These usually consist of talks by a leader and two or three speakers who share experience as it relates to their alcoholism and their recovery in A.A. The Twelve Steps are the focus. Some meetings are informational for the nonalcoholic public. Closed discussion meetings are for alcoholics only. 3 A.A. and Al-Anon are usually listed in public phone directories so it is easy to find information about meetings in most areas.

THE SPIRITUAL ROOTS OF THE TWELVE STEPS

The spiritual direction of the Twelve Steps came out of the Christian biblical tradition. In choosing the first alcoholics to transform into the great healers of our time, God did the same thing Paul reports God's doing in the first century: "God chose what is foolish in the world to shame the wise, God chose what is weak in the world to shame the strong". (I Cor. 1:27) In forming Alcoholics Anonymous, God took a drunk stockbroker and a drunk doctor, both of whom seemed hopeless cases, and gathered around them a collection of apparently incurable alcoholics, whose lives and relationships were in ruins. Out of this group he created a sensitive, caring, healing spiritual community. People coming into A.A. find a forgiving, redeeming, rigorously honest, moral, and loving Higher Power who is amazingly like Jesus Christ, as the person of God.4

Counseling the Codependent ~ 43 “The A.A. movement came out of the Oxford Group, an evangelical movement that strongly emphasized the biblical principles of Christian conversation, self-survey, confession, restitution, and the giving of oneself in service to other people.”5

“…several of the founders of A.A. were Christians and had Episcopal and Catholic priests as friends and advisers when they hammered out the Twelve Steps and the approach to God. I remembered Christ’s words when He spoke about a man who was casting out demons but was not His follower,” “Do not forbid him…For he that is not against us is for us.” Mark 9:39-40 Jesus knew that the God the man was referring to was the same God, even though the man healing wasn’t a follower of Jesus. He knew that God was alive and could do His healing work wherever He was CALLED ON IN FAITH…..In the last analysis, Jesus seemed to feel that it is by their fruits that you shall know them. Matt. 7:19 “Do they just talk about God, or do they change and deal with their diseased behaviors?” is the question.6

The entire Twelve Step program is designed to get people out of the "God role" and to put a loving, moral and forgiving God back in control of our world. This is the only way Reality and Sanity can be embraced by a flighty, scared and controlling person in denial who is searching for what will make him happy. For Christians this God is God the Father Who sent His only begotten son, that whosoever believes in Him will not perish, but have everlasting life (John 3:16).

Christians disagree concerning the appropriate ways to grow spiritually through prayer, meditation, and other disciplines. The Twelve Steps provide a simple, direct approach to getting to know God in the context of everyday living. Many Christians conceive of God as a far distant Being who does not require them to change their behavior in any way; just confess the recurring sins to Him and keep going.

The only discipline that might be required of them is attendance at church, and that is not even mandatory. Beyond attendance, no spiritual disciplines are required or even suggested by many churches today. No concrete ways to remove the painful blocks which keep them from being close to God and other people. Sin is not discussed and/or it is perceived as the big overt, negative behaviors, not our own attitudes and defense mechanisms and coping techniques.

Counseling the Codependent ~ 44 Many Christians are just not motivated to grow and change spiritually. In the ROAD LESS TRAVELED, Scott Peck, a psychiatrist, writes,

"There are many people I know who possess a vision of (personal) evolution yet seem to lack the will for it. They want, and believe it is possible, to skip over the discipline, to find an easy shortcut to sainthood. Often they attempt to attain it by simply imitating the superficialities of saints, retiring to the desert or taking up carpentry. Some even believe that by such imitation they have really become saints and prophets, and are unable to acknowledge that they are still children and face the painful fact that they must start at the beginning and go through the middle."7

Many Christians, who seek out Twelve Step programs for alcoholism, codependency, adult child issues, sexual abuse, compulsive disorders, etc., find something they were not even looking for. They come for help and relief and learn a spiritual discipline that is thoroughly of and for today.

Many Christians in Twelve Step programs know that doing the steps is the only form of spiritual discipline most have found for maintaining sanity, sobriety, clarity, serenity, and spiritual growth under the conditions of contemporary life. Working the steps frees them from compulsion and creates serenity, peace, joy, and healthier relationships with God and others. And significantly, the program heals and produces people who compassionately reach out to others in pain.

The most often repeated criticism of A.A. by many Christians is not about the Twelve Steps but has to do with how individuals introduce themselves in the meetings. It is customary to say, "Hi, my name is Jean; I'm an alcoholic." Everyone who speaks in the meeting uses this phrase. Everyone else answers in unison, "Hello, Jean," signifying acceptance and welcome. It is a validating experience in many ways. But the issue is about the negative confession of stating over and over, "I am an alcoholic, I am an alcoholic". Even years into sobriety this statement is spoken repeatedly.

Because alcoholism, codependency and all other compulsive behaviors are sustained through the process of denial so insidiously, it is VITAL for individuals to come to the realization of their disease/problem. Because most people simply want relief when they first try a Twelve Step program, and will often relapse if they do not stay with the recovery program for an extended period, it is vital that they fully grasp the reality of being alcoholics, codependents, workaholics, food addicted, etc. By admitting their problem publicly, and

Counseling the Codependent ~ 45 making a reality statement in front of a group of peers, it counters their sense of shame as they receive acceptance from the group.

After a person is born again and knows that they have the power of God working in their lives, they may feel that they are being a bad witness for God to confess that they are an alcoholic, etc. Or perhaps that they are condemning themselves to never being healed if they "confess the A.A. way" – a real conflict and confusion can set in – especially if they are exhorted by other Christians who have distorted views from the "faith" movement.

Many Christians in Twelve Step programs simply say, "Hi, my name is Jean and I am powerless over alcohol, food,” etc. In Al-Anon or ACoA groups, one might say, "Hi, my name is Jean and I'm an adult child,” or, ”I'm a recovering codependent,” or, “My name is Jean and my life is unmanageable." These are all TRUTH statements about our CONDITION and not negative confessions. They do not reflect on God's ability or willingness to heal us, nor do they state that I am resigned to BE my problem eternally.

It is a deceptive and false misconception that being born again means that all problems go away and all becomes right in our lives. What does happen is that we come to know the One who has the power to set all things right; we become heirs of salvation, the Kingdom of God and eternal life; and we receive His life, love, provision, power, etc. Our spirits are regenerated but our souls (mind, will and emotions) are conformed to the Kingdom of Darkness and must "go through recovery" to be cleaned, renewed, disciplined, and transformed so that we can fully experience this new life that is in us.

If your truth IS that you are powerless over alcohol, food, or your codependent ways of dealing with the pain of life, the reality IS God already knows that and so do most of the people in your life. Admitting YOUR powerlessness is the first step to receiving GOD'S power.

Often our reluctance to admit our problems is more about our own denial and PRIDE than about "being a good witness and making a godly confession". Christians who avoid Twelve Step programs in order to defend Jesus' reputation or God's sovereignty may want to check their own fears and motives a little deeper.

The good news is there are now many Twelve Step programs in churches which incorporate scriptures with the steps and the recognition of Jesus Christ as the Higher Power. But if you cannot find a Christian program in your area, do not use that as an excuse to avoid recovery.

Counseling the Codependent ~ 46 Ideally our church family should also be able to provide the emotional support needed for us to deal with our recovery issues. But few are at the awareness, accountability, or honesty level needed to promote recovery. Typically American churches are overloaded with rescuer/caregivers who NEED to relieve others' pain in an attempt to lessen their own pain. This will be discussed in detail in Chapter VI. Let God lead you in finding the right support/ recovery group. Part of getting well is learning to follow His leading. Give it time.

Another pitfall for Christians is jokingly referred to in recovery circles as "The Christian Two-Step". This is the typical Christian behavior of only doing Steps One/Two/Three and then jumping and landing hard on Step Twelve. In other words, turning my life over to God, getting born again, etc. and then shifting to telling/selling others they ought to do the same, because Jesus is the way.

Unfortunately in our society this behavior is normal – NOMINAL Christianity – and has created weak, immature, disillusioned believers who look and act no differently from nonChristians. Yet they feel driven to keep telling others about Jesus because they know He has the power to change another person's life even though they themselves have experienced very little power or change since their own salvation experience.

This disparity creates an enormous tendency among Christians for pretense. Pretending to be more spiritual than we are, pretending our families are happier than they are, pretending our church services are more anointed than they are. So much effort goes into PR, image management and looking good because we truly want to be good Christians and good witnesses for Him. But Jesus had another word for pretense: hypocrisy. Since codependents are such experts at pretending, when we are born again we simply modify a few behaviors, learn the jargon, and become hardworking Christian codependents, outer directed with no inner life.

Certain types of preachers put tremendous pressure on their congregations to "bring people to the Lord", but the results are questionable for we cannot reproduce what we do not have. Without responsible discipling there is no maturity. New believers not only need true and proper doctrines, they need godly role models who are true and honest about themselves; they need accountability to become honest and true; and they need to be shown HOW to grow through applying scriptural principles to their lives.

The power of New Testament Christianity comes through the power of the Holy Spirit. But there are real spiritual disciplines and attitudes required for a person to fellowship with the Holy Spirit and know His life-changing power.

Counseling the Codependent ~ 47 These disciplines are not optional though they may sound too basic for people whose ears are used to being tickled with high-sounding doctrines. Charismatics who are used to emotional services where "the Spirit moved" often ignore these disciplines thinking they must already have His stamp of approval since "He regularly shows up." So they hide their insecurities and puff up their "spirituality."

God's miraculous power is available to heal and deliver instantly, but He does not instantly bestow godly character and self-discipline. There are no shortcuts for Christians.

The transformed life comes from admitting and confessing our sins one to another; making amends; allowing God to point out and change our character defects; disciplining our flesh through self-restraint; and growing spiritually, learning His ways through reading the Word, praying, worshipping God, and fellowshipping with other believers. Amazing how these disciplines mirror the missing steps (Four through Eleven) in the "Christian Two-Step"!!

As churches move back to the basics and assume their proper role of making disciples of new converts, there will be a decrease in the life-controlling problems affecting so many in our society. The church must regain and implement its own wisdom for setting the captives free. Beyond pretense, we are to be "salt and light" in the midst of a hurting generation.

One of the best books for Christians who may be struggling with an unease about Twelve Step programs is J. Keith Miller's book, A HUNGER FOR HEALING – THE TWELVE STEPS AS A CLASSIC MODEL FOR CHRISTIAN SPIRITUAL GROWTH.

His own story includes being a self-made man and a "professional" Christian with a theological degree, a noted Christian author and speaker, and an exhorter of others while his own life and marriage deteriorated. After his divorce and other losses, he was counseled to deal with his compulsive behaviors through A.A.

His honesty and clarity about his reservations concerning this "secular" program for drunks, and his own need for help unavailable in his church life, will mirror many of the same concerns held by other Christians. Struggling with feeling disloyal to the church, many desperate Christians have misunderstood what the Twelve Steps are really about.

In Christianity the tests of belief are mostly written and cognitive (Credo, faith statements, and the Bible). In the Twelve Steps one finds out what God is like by entering a community of people who have made a radical commitment of their lives to God. As newcomers see God working in the lives of people in that community, they learn about his nature and how he operates. As they

Counseling the Codependent ~ 48 work the Steps and put their own lives in the hands of this God (whatever they call God at first) they discover firsthand the loving, redeeming, supporting, moral, and confronting nature of God. Later many of them see that this is in fact the same God that Christians believe in, and numbers of them join the Church...There they discover what has been written in the Bible about this God they have come to love and depend on. They may be thrilled to find out about eternal life, which seems like a bonus to them because they came to believe and committed their lives to God on the basis of what God does in the here-and-now world of sin and addictions.8

In some ways this parallels what it must have been like in the early church which did not have the complete New Testament for almost four hundred years. New believers touched by the Holy Spirit came to truly know the power of Almighty God through communities of believers living in the midst of a pagan world.

It is fitting to close this chapter on alcoholism with the Twelve Steps for they embody the power of God to heal and restore. The scriptures accompanying each of the steps are taken from Keith Miller's book, A HUNGER FOR HEALING. He has substituted SIN for ALCOHOL in Step One, and has used the Revised Standard Version of the Bible.

THE TWELVE STEPS

1. WE ADMITTED WE WERE POWERLESS OVER OUR SIN – THAT OUR LIVES HAD BECOME UNMANAGEABLE

A biblical experience of Step One: I do not understand my own actions. For I do not do what I want, But I do the very thing I hate...I can will what is right, but I cannot do it. For I do not do the good I want, but the evil I do not want is what I do. Now if I do what I do not want, it is no longer I that do it, but sin which dwells within me. Romans 7:15-20

2. CAME TO BELIEVE THAT A POWER GREATER THAN OURSELVES COULD RESTORE US TO SANITY

A biblical experience of the power of coming to believe: And the blind man said to him, "Master, let me receive my sight." And Jesus said to him, "Go your way; your faith has made you well." Mark 10: 51,52

Counseling the Codependent ~ 49 A biblical experience of being restored to sanity: And they came to Jesus and saw the demoniac sitting there clothed and in his right mind, the man who had the legion (of demons). Mark 5:15

3. MADE A DECISION TO TURN OUR WILL AND OUR LIVES OVER TO THE CARE OF GOD AS WE UNDERSTOOD HIM

Biblical expressions of the principles of Step Three: You shall love the Lord your God with all your heart, and with all your soul, and with all your mind, and with all your strength. Mark 12:30

...they left the boat and their father, and followed him. Matt. 4:22

4. MADE A SEARCHING AND FEARLESS MORAL INVENTORY OF OURSELVES

A biblical expression of the need to deal with our inventory material: If we say we have no sin, we deceive ourselves, and the truth is not in us. If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just, and will forgive our sins and cleanse us from all unrighteousness. I John 1:8-9

(Also) Rend your hearts and not your garments. Joel 2:13

5. ADMITTED TO GOD, TO OURSELVES, AND TO ANOTHER HUMAN BEING THE EXACT NATURE OF OUR WRONGS

A biblical expression of the need to do Step Five with another person and its connection with healing: Therefore confess your sins to one another, and pray for one another, that you may be healed. James 5:16

6. WERE ENTIRELY READY TO HAVE GOD REMOVE ALL THESE DEFECTS OF CHARACTER

A biblical expression of the need to be entirely ready to commit our whole lives to God in such a complete way that He may transform not only our character defects but our entire minds so that we can know and do God's will:

I appeal to you brethren, by the mercies of God, to present your bodies as a living sacrifice, holy and acceptable to God, which is your spiritual worship. Do not be conformed to this world but be transformed by the renewal of your mind, that you may prove (know) what is the good and acceptable and perfect will of God. Romans 12:1-2

Counseling the Codependent ~ 50 (Also) Search me, O God, and know my heart! Try me and know my thoughts! And see if there be any wicked way in me. And lead me in the way everlasting! Psalm 139: 23-24

7. HUMBLY ASKED HIM TO REMOVE OUR SHORTCOMINGS

A biblical expression of the nature of the radical shift that can take place through Step Seven, from an anxious, material or intellectual faith to a spiritual life of trust in God: Truly, truly, I say to you, unless one is born anew, he cannot see the kingdom of God...That which is born of the flesh is flesh, and that which is born of the Spirit is spirit. John 3:3-6

8. MADE A LIST OF ALL PERSONS WE HAD HARMED, AND BECAME WILLING TO MAKE AMENDS TO THEM ALL

A biblical expression of the need to see our own faults, our part, and to forgive those who have hurt us before going out to make amends, hoping for forgiveness:

Why do you see the speck that is in your brother's eye, but do not notice the log that is in your own eye? Or how can you say to your brother, "Let me take the speck out of your eye," when there is a log in your own eye? You hypocrite, first take the log out of your own eye. Matt 7:3-5

9. MAKE DIRECT AMENDS TO SUCH PEOPLE WHEREVER POSSIBLE, EXCEPT WHEN TO DO SO WOULD INJURE THEM OR OTHERS

Biblical principles relating to the necessity of making amends in order to better love God and other people:

So if you are offering your gift at the altar, and there remember that your brother has something against you, leave your gift there before the altar and go; first be reconciled to your brother, and then come and offer your gift. Matt 5:23-24

(Also) You shall not hate your brother in your heart, but you shall reason with your neighbor, lest you bear sin because of him. You shall not take vengeance or bear any grudge against the sons of your own people, but you shall love your neighbors as yourself. Leviticus 19:17-18

10. CONTINUED TO TAKE PERSONAL INVENTORY AND, WHEN WE WERE WRONG PROMPTLY ADMITTED IT

Counseling the Codependent ~ 51 Some biblical expressions of the need to continue to watch for our defects and to search out things that might hinder us so that we will not be tempted and slip, and of the need, if we do slip, to make amends: Watch and pray that you may not enter into temptation; the spirit is indeed willing but the flesh is weak. Mark 14:38

(Also) If we walk in the light, as he is in the light, we have fellowship with one another, and the blood of Jesus his son cleanses us from all sin. I John 1:7

(Also) Therefore let him who thinks he stands take heed lest he fall. I Cor. 10:12

11. SOUGHT THROUGH PRAYER AND MEDITATION TO IMPROVE OUR CONSCIOUS CONTACT WITH GOD, PRAYING ONLY FOR KNOWLEDGE OF HIS WILL FOR US AND THE POWER TO CARRY THAT OUT

Some biblical expressions concerning prayer and meditation, praying for God's will, and the need for help and his power for this area of our lives: Ask and it will be given you; seek, and you will find; knock, and it will be opened to you. For everyone who asks receives, and he who seeks finds, and to him who knocks it will be opened. Luke 11:9-10 Also Matt 6:9-13.

(Also) Nevertheless, not as I will, but as Thou will. Matt 26:39 The Spirit helps us in our weakness for we do not know how to pray as we ought, but the Spirit himself intercedes for us with sighs too deep for words. Romans 8:26

12. HAVING HAD A SPIRITUAL AWAKENING AS THE RESULT OF THESE STEPS, WE TRIED TO CARRY THIS MESSAGE TO OTHERS AND TO PRACTICE THESE PRINCIPLES IN ALL OUR AFFAIRS

Some biblical principles pertaining to living out Step Twelve: Therefore, if anyone is in Christ he is a new creation, the old has passed away, behold the new has come. II Corinthians 5:17

(Also) Go home to your friends, and tell them how much the Lord has done for you, and how he has had mercy on you. Mark 5:19

(Also)...teaching them to observe all that I have commanded you; and lo, I am with you always, to the close of the age. Matt 28:20

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Counseling the Codependent ~ 52 NOTES

1 UNDERSTANDING OURSELVES AND ALCOHOLISM (New York, 1975), p.3.

2 Ibid.,p. 5.

3 A.A. AT A GLANCE (New York), p.1.

4 J. Keith Miller, A HUNGER FOR HEALING (San Francisco, 1991), p.7.

5 Ibid., p.250.

6 Ibid., p. 37.

7 Scott Peck, THE ROAD LESS TRAVELED (New York, 1978), p. 17.

8 Miller, preface p. xiii.

Counseling the Codependent ~ 53 CHAPTER VI

RECOVERY STRATEGIES

One might conclude that there is no good news after all the pain and tragedy discussed thus far. Minirth-Meier refers us to the empty "love tank" model and John Bradshaw speaks of the "hole in the soul" and dysfunctional family systems.

"As children we come into the world possessing the simple goodness of being God's creation. But we also inherit mankind's alienation from Him. We not only lack the ability to live our lives as God desires but we are also deeply damaged by the actions of others. And most of this damage occurs when we are children, when we are most vulnerable."1 This damage occurs in Christian and non-Christian homes alike.

But there is hope. The God of truth has provided a way. Truth is the key. Facing reality, learning the facts, embracing the possibility of healthy change, facing our pain, and truly desiring a restored relationship with our heavenly Father.

IDENTIFYING UNHEALTHY ROLES

In his book, FINDING YOUR WAY HOME, Christian author Kenneth Schmidt, discusses three kinds of pain which are necessary in life. The first kind of pain is due to our alienation from God for it is necessary to get our attention and end denial. The second pain we experience is that which comes in working out our relationship with God. The third pain we need is that resulting from our own actions. It helps us to mature as we learn the realities of life from our mistakes.

Schmidt uses examples from Jesus' temptation in the wilderness to show how Jesus was offered three ways out of the pain of his situation by assuming three roles which He refused: the Rescuer, the Controller/Persecutor, and the Victim.

These roles Schmidt calls the three faces of sin and they correspond to the three kinds or faces of pain mentioned above. His development of this model provides keen spiritual insight and is highly recommended.2

Stephen B. Karpman developed the concept of these unhealthy roles, in what is referred to as the Karpman Drama Triangle.3 It all begins with rescuing which is synonymous with caretaking behavior discussed earlier. The word "enabling" is a therapeutic term for destructive helping.

Counseling the Codependent ~ 54 The following acts constitute a rescuing "move":4

• doing something for someone although that person is capable of and should be doing it for himself

• meeting people's needs without being asked and before we've agreed to do so

• saying “yes” when we mean “no”

• consistently giving more than we receive in a particular situation

• fixing people's feelings

• doing people's thinking for them

• speaking for another person

• suffering people's consequences for them

• solving people's problems for them

• doing more than a fair share of work after our help is requested

• putting more interest and activity into a joint effort than the other person does

• not asking for what we want, need, and desire

• doing something we really don't want to do but SHOULD in order to lessen our feelings of guilt or worthlessness

This may be confusing at first because we are called to love one another, but that does not necessarily mean relieving everyone's pain. It does mean that we are to protect the vulnerable. A loving act on our part can preserve others or assist them to accomplish something they could not do without us. Love benefits all involved.

Acts of love, kindness, compassion, and true helping are acts where our assistance is legitimately wanted and needed. Spiritually there is FRUIT from our actions and sacrifices. Life is enhanced, no one is hurt, God's will is done. Everyone is affirmed, no one loses.

An act to fix or prevent NECESSARY pain in someone's life is enabling and unhealthy rescuing. Caretaking or rescuing causes us to feel anxiety; guilt; saintliness; awkwardness about the other person's dilemma; needed; extra responsibility FOR that person or problem; fear; a sense of being forced or compelled to DO something; more

Counseling the Codependent ~ 55 competent than the person we are "helping"; or some resentment of being put in this position, etc.

As Melody Beattie says, "Caretaking looks like a much friendlier act than it is. It requires incompetency on the part of the person being taken care of. We rescue VICTIMS – people who we believe are not capable of being responsible for themselves."4

An example might be taking someone into your home who is out of a job and rejected by his or her family. A Christian rescuer might instantly jump to their rescue without knowing if it is God's will. Then proceed to lavish them with good advice, scriptures, healthy food, loan of a car, etc., and feel heroic, sacrificial, etc. while doing for the other person/victim.

After such a grand rescue, the next move on the Drama Triangle is to the position of Persecutor/Controller. After rescuing, we often become resentful and angry at the person we have so generously "helped." Especially if they have not taken our advice or progressed in the direction we so wisely laid out for them. We get angry because we've done something we did not really want to do, something that was not our assignment or responsibility, and usually we have neglected our own needs and those of our family.

And typically, to make matters worse, the "poor person" we have rescued is not grateful for our efforts. They seem to assume that our giving and their receiving is the proper order of things. Our previous "compassion" which made us feel so noble is gone. Their attitudes do not suit us now but we try to hide our irritation and maintain our "saintliness" as the all-knowing, wise and godly Good Samaritan.

But our peevishness and irritability will ultimately burst forth. Usually in a furious outburst at one of our own family members. Our rages are randomly misdirected. The person/victim we have been rescuing immediately senses our shift in mood. Since we shifted into the persecutor/controller role, everyone becomes a target for our resentment and rage as we secretly imagine the thrill of throwing the victim OUT. We usually complain about the person to others to justify our sense of outrage. First we rescued the victim and now we're fully prepared to persecute him. And then, when the next and last shift of positions on the triangle happens, it is predictable and painful.

The victim has usually seen this "movie" many times. He sends out "needy, helpless, hurting" signals and some rescuer takes the bait EVERY time. He gets his physical needs met for a time: food, clothing, shelter, transportation, sometimes medical and finances. He has been the focus of the rescuer's industrious efforts to fix/help him. He is

Counseling the Codependent ~ 56 feeling much stronger and confident after such input (none of which required that he change or grow or be responsible). But he is quick to sense that his "compassionate" rescuer is running out of energy and "good will."

So while the resentment increases towards the victim and which he senses, his own "pride” and indignation rise up. Usually before the rescuer gets up the emotional self- justification to "throw the bum out," the victim himself has jumped into the persecutor role and turns on the rescuer.

Out come accusations of "who do YOU think you are to tell ME what to do?", or "you're not so together yourself", or "you really fooled me, I thought you were a Christian," etc. No matter how incompetent victims are, they resent being told they are. Their resentment towards their rescuer is real, especially when the rescuer dares to become angry with them.

Victims predictably turn on their rescuers. Typically they eat their food; sleep with their spouses/lovers; wreck their cars; steal their liquor/drugs; use their credit cards/cash; abuse their good reputation; trash their houses; emotionally exhaust everybody; etc.

And so the noble rescuer is left in the role of the victim, AGAIN. Feelings of helplessness, hurt, confusion, sorrow, shame, and self-pity abound. They have been used again; unappreciated, again. They have tried so hard to help people and to be a good person/Christian, etc. Why has another person taken their goodwill and self-sacrificing efforts and trampled on them again? From RESCUER to PERSECUTOR/CONTROLLER to VICTIM. The triangle is complete for the caretaking person.

RESCUER

VICTIM PERSECUTOR/CONTROLLER

Counseling the Codependent ~ 57 People who live life as "professional" VICTIMS are often chemically dependent or an abuse victim, or someone who has learned to survive by manipulating others to feel sorry for them, etc. The rewards are tangible. The "professional" victim generally moves back and forth between the victim and persecutor roles. Generally they move on to find a new rescuer. (Perhaps several families in the church will rescue the same person until they're confronted and move on to a new congregation.) But in a marriage situation the one who plays the victim may move into the rescuer role temporarily to keep his beleaguered, caretaking mate in the game.

The triangle is a visible process. The role changes and the emotional changes happen as if people were reading a script. The process can take minutes or years. The role of caretaker victimizes people and they participate in their own victimization by rescuing. Rescuing or caretaking is not an act of love. The Drama Triangle is a hate triangle because it fosters and maintains self-hate, and it actually hinders feelings for other people.

Caretakers in "helping" professions like social work, mental health counseling, pastoring, nursing, teaching etc. may end up in the drama triangle with their clients as they strive to "help" them. Parents end up persecuting their children.5

Caretaking is a large part of codependency. It is a role that is a "safe" response to the pain of life. It makes us look good, spiritual, gives us a way to obey all those dysfunctional rules, etc. But it is unhealthy and anti-life.

If you are someone who ends up "used and abused" by those you thought you were helping, it is important that you identify the roles of the Drama Triangle and learn strategies to break out of the Triangle. Being delivered from these unhealthy roles which have become habitual coping patterns will take time, but it is a key to recovery and finding true wholeness in our relationships.

UNHEALTHY ROLES: ALCOHOLIC FAMILIES

Another set of unhealthy roles is found among the children of an alcoholic marriage. Briefly, the stress and denial between an alcoholic and his spouse is so great that, as children are born, they grow up and assume various roles necessary to keep the family system functioning.

Generally the eldest child will be super-responsible, a Superachiever/Hero in some way, to bring worth to the family. Another child may become the Court Jester or Mascot, to bring some humor to the family by always kidding around and being lighthearted.

Counseling the Codependent ~ 58 A child born during a bad period may become a Lost Child carrying the sadness and loneliness of the family. Though essentially ignored, a Lost Child is considered a good child because they are quiet, stay out of the way, and are undemanding.

The antithesis is the Scapegoat or Rebel who lets off some of the unspoken family pressure and acts out in some self-destructive behavior liking drugs, drinking, promiscuity, or other risk-taking behavior. Because of a lifetime of nonverbal programming, Scapegoats cause such problems for the family that THEY are blamed for everything instead of the parents' drinking problems and codependency.

Surrogate Spouse is a typical role for a child who gets called on to emotionally support one of the parents in a dysfunctional marriage. They become so attuned to that parent's emotional needs that they never learn what their own needs are. They "de-self” and attempt the impossible task of meeting the emotional needs of an unhealthy/unhappy adult. This role cripples them in their future role as a spouse since they are so out of touch with their own needs, fears, and feelings.

Many children are called upon to perform parenting roles for younger siblings and end up as Little Parents with no personal childhood at all.6

Theses unhealthy roles produce unhealthy adults. Their love tanks are so empty that they are set up for many compulsive addictions and patterns as they try to get their needs met. Many people find great release and new horizons as they throw off these dysfunctional roles and come into their own sense of who they were created to be by God.

IDENTIFYING FALSE BELIEF SYSTEMS

Another strategy in recovering from codependency is to learn to identify certain false beliefs which prevent us from intimacy with God, ourselves, and with others. This concept is developed by Robert S. McGee of the Rapha Institute in his book, THE SEARCH FOR SIGNIFICANCE.

McGee urges us to build our self-worth on the love and forgiveness of Jesus Christ and not on our performance and ability to please others. While many Christians mentally acknowledge who they are in Christ, they have no real, ongoing experience of this in their lives.

"Our thoughts are seldom neutral. They either reflect beliefs based on the Word of God or beliefs based on the world's values. The Lord can give us the perception we need to identify the source of our thoughts and determine if they are of Him or not. The more our

Counseling the Codependent ~ 59 thoughts are in line with God's Word, the more our actions will be honoring to Him. In fact, the purity of our thoughts ultimately determines how much our lives will honor Christ.” 7 Paul told Titus that Christ "gave Himself for us, that He might redeem us from every lawless deed and purify for Himself a people for His own possession, zealous for good deeds." (Titus 2:14)

McGee explains that we often interpret the situations we encounter through our beliefs. While some of our interpretations are conscious most are based on unconscious assumptions/beliefs. These beliefs trigger certain thoughts, which in turn stimulate certain emotions/feelings, and our actions come from THESE EMOTIONS instead of God's reality or will.

We need to understand ourselves and how we think for two reasons; first, we can learn how to manage our responses to the events in our lives, and second, we can learn how to be healed from the damage of our past.

When we understand that our thoughts are usually products of our beliefs, we can expose those beliefs and identify the source. In A.A. false beliefs are aptly called our "stinkin' thinkin'”.

False beliefs can cause us much pain. Suppose you fail to meet an important deadline and your belief is that your self-worth is tied to your performance. While the fact that you failed is true, an emotional response of "beating yourself up", feeling like a "total idiot/loser/failure again" etc. indicates a false belief of your value and self-worth being performance based. While the situation may require appropriate amends and a back-up plan, it does not require vindictive self-abuse.

McGee does an incredible job of showing how to expose and examine our false beliefs, our thinking, and our emotions. He has brought to light some of the most subtle ways that we resist closeness with God as we entertain lies and create strongholds about who we are versus who God says we are. This is no idle exercise, but is the very key we must have to allow God's Word to heal and restore us.

Counseling the Codependent ~ 60 FOUR FALSE BELIEFS8

The Performance Trap: I must meet certain standards in order to feel good about myself.

Consequences: The fear of failure; perfectionism; being driven to succeed; manipulating others to achieve success; withdrawing from healthy risks.

God's Solution and Result: Because of JUSTIFICATION, I am completely forgiven and fully pleasing to God. I no longer have to fear failure. Romans 5:1...... Increasing freedom from the fear of failure; desire to pursue the right things: Christ and His kingdom; love for Christ.

The Approval Addict: I must have the approval of certain others to feel good about myself.

Consequences: The fear of rejection; attempting to please others at any cost; being overly sensitive to criticism; withdrawing from others to avoid disapproval.

God's Solution and Result: Because of RECONCILIATION, I am totally accepted by God. I no longer have to fear rejection. Col 1:21-22....Increasing freedom from the fear of rejection; willingness to be open and vulnerable; able to relax around others; willingness to take criticism; desire to please God no matter what others think.

The Blame Game: Those who fail (including myself) are unworthy of love and deserve to be punished.

Consequences: The fear of punishment; propensity to punish others; blaming self and others for personal failure; withdrawing from God and fellow believers; being driven to avoid punishment.

God's Solution and Result: Because of PROPITIATION, I am deeply loved by God. I no longer have to fear punishment or punish others. I John 4:9-11...Increasing freedom from the fear of punishment; patience and kindness toward others; being quick to apply forgiveness; deep love for Christ.

Shame: I am what I am. I cannot change. I am hopeless.

Consequences: Feelings of shame; hopelessness; inferiority; passivity; loss of creativity; isolation, withdrawing from others.

God's Solution and Result: Because of REGENERATION, I have been made brand new, complete in Christ. I no longer need to experience the pain of shame. John 3:3-6 and

Counseling the Codependent ~ 61 II Cor. 5:17...Christ-centered self-confidence; joy, courage, peace; desire to know Christ.

In his letter to the Romans, Paul said, "...do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind, that you may prove what the will of God is, that which is good and acceptable and perfect." (Rom 12:2). As we begin to identify the various emotions mentioned above, WE CAN RENEW OUR MINDS BY USING OUR EMOTIONS TO ANALYZE OUR BELIEF SYSTEM. The insights presented in SEARCH FOR SIGNIFICANCE are powerful tools for any Christian seeking to move into that good, acceptable and perfect will of God for their lives.

THE MINIRTH-MEIER TEN STAGES OF RECOVERY

"This business of accepting counseling – of being on the receiving end of advice – is not natural to you. Even as your head says you need help, your heart whines that you should be able to handle your problems without hanging all your dirty laundry out for strangers to view...If you were to enter (the Minirth-Meier Clinic), what would you expect in the way of treatment of codependency? ..…at the Clinic we employ a ten-stage model for recovery from codependency."9

Much healing takes place through their recovery program outlined in "how-to" detail in the book, LOVE IS A CHOICE. They lead clients to deal with their lost childhood, and what is called adult child issues. Their stages are not meant to compete with or replace the twelve-step recovery programs of A.A., Al-Anon, and similar groups. But they do state that their stages touch upon the twelve steps and "recast the principles behind them."10

The Ten Stages11

1. EXPLORATION AND DISCOVERY: You will explore your past and present to discover the truth about you.

2. RELATIONSHIP HISTORY/INVENTORY: You will examine and perhaps reset your personal boundaries.

3. ADDICTION CONTROL: You will get a handle on your addictions and compulsions and take the first steps toward mastering them.

4. LEAVING HOME AND SAYING GOODBYE: You will say the goodbyes appropriate to healing. You may think you did that years ago. Probably you didn't.

Counseling the Codependent ~ 62 5. GRIEVING YOUR LOSS: Grieving is both the bottom of the curve, the very pit of your emotions and feelings, and also the start upward. It's almost like your dentist hanging up his drill. You know he's not done yet, but the worst is over.

6. NEW SELF-PERCEPTIONS: You will gain fresh perceptions about yourself and make new decisions. What an eye-opener this stage is!

7. NEW EXPERIENCES: You will build a foundation of new experiences to bolster the decisions you've just made.

8. REPARENTING: You will rebuild your past in a sense, and also the present and future, as you become involved in what we call reparenting.

9. RELATIONSHIP ACCOUNTABILITY: You will establish accountability for your new and refreshed personal relationships.

10. MAINTENANCE: You will embark on a maintenance program that will keep you on the track for the remainder of your life.

The authors of LOVE IS A CHOICE close out this tremendously effective and useful book with certain cautions. "Codependency is not a constant state but a continuum. Most people are slightly affected and the adjustments offered will lead them to healing and a happier and more productive lifestyle.

“But if codependency patterns are controlling your life powerfully, your thoughts and feelings may at some point become too heavy to bear...seek out competent professional care.

“Codependency is chronic and progressive. When it manifests itself as abuse, depression, eating disorders, or chemical dependency, it can actually be fatal."12

With such help available, those seeking healing may trust that God has provided a way.

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Counseling the Codependent ~ 63 NOTES

1 Kenneth Schmidt, FINDING YOUR WAY HOME (Ventura, 1990), p. 71.

2 Ibid., p.92.

3 Melody Beattie, CODEPENDENT NO MORE (San Francisco, 1987), p. 77.

4 Ibid., p. 79.

5 Ibid., p. 83

6 John Bradshaw, BRADSHAW ON: THE FAMILY (Deerfield Beach, 1988), p.100-109

7 Robert S. McGee, SEARCH FOR SIGNIFICANCE (Houston, 1990), p. 411.

8 Ibid., pp. 40-41 and 122-23.

9 Robert Hemfelt, Frank Minirth, Paul Meier, LOVE IS A CHOICE (Nashville, 1989), p. 177.

10 Ibid., p. 178.

11 Ibid., p. 194.

12 Ibid., p. 178.

Counseling the Codependent ~ 64 CHAPTER VII

GOD'S HEALING PROCESS

In Chapter I we began with God's Big Picture to get a proper perspective on codependency. In this closing chapter we will look at God's healing process as revealed in the Bible. This section will be based on the book FROM BONDAGE TO BONDING by Nancy Groom. Her insight is inspired and her honesty refreshing. Her model of codependency is large enough to encompass the limitations of the various fields and disciplines which deal with the issue. And best of all, her model for healing expresses the depth of God's grandeur. Her suggested "how-to's” flow out of God's Big Picture.

Bondage is another name for codependency according to Nancy Groom. She describes this bondage as including self-forfeiture; self-contempt; self-aggrandizement; self- sufficiency; and self-deception.1 This plays into her definition for codependency, which is repeated again:

CODEPENDENCY is a self-focused way of life in which a person, blind to his or her true self, continually reacts to others, being controlled by and seeking to control their behavior, attitudes and opinions, resulting in spiritual sterility, loss of authenticity, and absence of intimacy.2

In the preceding chapters it has been shown that codependency does not respond to changing our circumstances or to fixing other people around us. Nor is it just a matter of changing ourselves. Because codependency is a compulsion it will not respond to willpower or to our having the right cognitive or mental information. It requires a whole new seeing or paradigm shift. We must embrace a whole new way to live based upon TRUE spiritual reality.

LONGING/LOSSES/LAYERS/ANTI-DEPENDENCY

LONGING The healing process begins with the concept of LONGING. This is healthy and God- given. He meant for us to be in loving relationship. The dynamic interrelating of the Trinity is to be our model. We should celebrate our longings to be close and intimate with others. Children arrive in the world needing to be close and nurtured so that they may bond properly with their parents. The chapter on family of origin explained the dynamics of the family's role in meeting our legitimate dependency needs and longings for love and relationship.

Counseling the Codependent ~ 65 LOSSES Because we live in a fallen world we do not always have our longings met. Even in the most healthy and loving home children experience LOSSES: parents fail, pets die, fortunes are lost, natural disasters happen. Our God-given longings become the source of our pain when they go unfulfilled. Several chapters have detailed the tragic losses experienced in dysfunctional families. We have seen how various patterns and situations create predictable losses for the individuals involved.

Many of us have not experienced the more extreme types of loss, abuse, abandonment, etc. But losses happen in subtle ways too. A child's loss of emotional nurturing often goes unacknowledged, even into adulthood. Codependents cherish an illusion of normalcy about their families of origin, an illusion strengthened by loyalty issues that prevent an honest assessment of childhood experiences.

Adults who were not touched, held, rocked, protected, praised, or listened to as children experienced losses. We have all experienced losses which have caused us to withdraw, withhold our trust from God and others, and protect ourselves from further disappointment or rejection.

LAYERS LAYERS will always result from losses. Layers are the attitudes and actions we take on to protect ourselves from the pain of our losses and to defend us from future loss. The characteristics of codependency all fit into this concept of Layers. Included is every variation of attempt at self-protection: obeying dysfunctional rules; taking on destructive roles; workaholism; spiritual striving; believing lies; comforting ourselves with chemicals, food, sex, money, success, etc.

Many of the layers are so self-destructive that the person will finally seek help or die. But others are more subtle and become part of our strategy for remaining independent from God and safe from other people. Our denial system is our way of pretending, and deceiving ourselves. Denial has to do with a refusal to honestly face what really IS in a situation. It is an unwillingness to see how bad we really are and those around us. Denial is a “given” in dysfunctional families and relationships.

Denial is not rational and cannot be talked away. You may feel like you are helping someone to tell them the truth about their spouse or child or how they perform on their job. But if that person is in denial about the reality of that situation you may be surprised at their response. When you interfere with someone's denial system (self-protection), they will most often use anger to deflect the information and to intimidate you from interfering again. If that

Counseling the Codependent ~ 66 does not work they will avoid you or disparage you to others in an attempt to discredit you and the reality you are trying to force on them. Codependency is about pretending.

On a deeper level of denial, we as codependents refuse to face our true feelings. Repression of negative emotions keeps us "safe" from reality and from the frightening consequences of becoming honest. We fear not only the pain of thawing our "frozen feelings," but also the possibility that those emotions would get out of hand if released. We believe our loved ones would surely abandon or abuse us if we ever said how we really feel. It's safer to pretend, to minimize the extent or consequences of the problem than to risk an honest look at the legitimate grief and anger the problem is causing...In relationship to oneself, denial deeps us from authenticity. We remain strangers to ourselves, unaware of our true feelings and needs and reacting shallowly to even the important people in our lives. ...Most seriously, when we're not honest about how we've wounded others, including God, our denial keeps us from the intimacy we all long for. We can't share our hearts without knowing our hearts. Until we reach in to enter our own pain, we can't reach out to share someone else's pain. If we can't be real about our sin, we're blocked from deeply understanding and forgiving others. The basis for genuine intimacy is genuine honesty. Denial sabotages both.3

One of the results of denial is a tendency for impression or image management. Our society promotes superficiality and encourages the desire to "look good."

This becomes a top priority for codependents who stress out managing every aspect of life in the hopes of presenting the "right" image. Everyone is happy, excelling, doing well, etc. There is less concern about what is really happening than with what ought to or should be happening to make them look good.

Our image of a good spouse/parent/worker/Christian may really prevent us from becoming those things because of our false beliefs. Honesty and good mental health are required to be authentically good, and not just our acting out some fantasized role of a good spouse/parent, etc. We stress ourselves unnecessarily to fit images which are not reality oriented just to maintain an ego facade and give the right impression.

ANTI-DEPENDENCE: SELF-PROTECTIVE PRETENSE

It is possible to see anti-dependence as a positive state. In secular, particularly feminist, circles, this is a goal. Be independent, be strong, don't need anyone, set your boundaries, don't be used. It is a highly defended state and will usually get someone out of

Counseling the Codependent ~ 67 an abusive situation, but it is not truly an end in itself. Rather anti-dependence is a rallying cry among victims to get one another to stand up for themselves and unite as a group of victims against their abusers or detractors.

But in spiritual terms it is deadly for it "is a self-sufficient way of life in which a person attempts to self-generate acceptance, forgiveness, and empowerment apart from God, resulting in spiritual rebellion, a distorted view of self, and problems with intimacy." 4 The end result of the downward slide of codependency is isolation and anti-dependency. "The deepest failure of codependents who hide their true selves behind layers of pretense is their disobedience to the commandment Jesus declared to be the "first", or most important: that we love and trust God above all else and with our whole heart (single-mindedly).

When we construct false selves behind which to stay safe, the dynamic behind the pretense is a determination to make our lives work our own way, to keep ourselves in charge of our own lives instead of entrusting ourselves to God's care...At the heart of codependent living is an arrogant and fear-based refusal to rely solely on God, an unwillingness to rest in His grace, to be satisfied with His provision and to set our hearts on obedience." 5

In this context codependency is not just an example of poor mental health, it is not just a way of surviving the pain of life, codependency is actually wrong. It is idolatry, or seeking false comfort, and it is sinful.

The development of codependency moves from our longings (for intimacy/impact) to losses (from parental neglect/abuse) to layers (self-protective behaviors) ending in pretense and anti-dependency and autonomy. This forms the left side of the capital letter ‘‘V’‘ with the word “longings” at the top and the word “anti-dependence” at the lower point of the ‘’V’’. Recovery begins as we move up the right side through the next three stages.

GRIEVING/GRACE/GOD-DEPENDENCY

GRIEVING After so much pain we would like to think that the first step would be about good feelings and receiving comfort. But it is about reality. It is time to face the pain of our situation and the truth about our losses instead of pretending.

Our culture is not comfortable with the grief process; it makes us uncomfortable. While many cultures support their bereaved members through ritual and established considerations, American society expects people to pull themselves together and get on with DOING.

Counseling the Codependent ~ 68 This is often true in the church as well with members throwing out scriptural platitudes to exhort the grieving one to "pull themselves together and get on with DOING." We somehow think that someone who is still teary-eyed after a few months must not have the right theology.

The Scriptures are filled with real human beings pouring out their hearts to God over their losses. David's psalms and Jeremiah's heartrending cries give words to some of our deepest feelings.

In the healing process we must grieve our losses honestly. It is right that a woman should grieve over her lost childhood and innocence as she comes to terms with incest issues. It is right that she should grieve that she grew up without a loving, protective father to cherish and nurture her, etc.

Grieving is not just going over the story one more time to build ourselves up or to fuel our self-protection. It is a beholding of the depth of our losses. It is something that we have usually put off doing. We have avoided the reality of it while being able to recite the facts of it, usually to invoke sympathy in our listener.

Grieving will come if we will allow it to. The purpose of facing the pain is that we cannot be authentic unless we are honest about the emotional realities of our lives. Pretense must go. We must face our losses if we are to move into forgiveness and restoration.

The second part of grieving is that we must also see how wrong our layers have been. We must grieve over the sinfulness of our own self-protective attitudes and strategies. Even though we were sinned against in dysfunctional families it does not excuse our sinful responses. We know on some level that our anger, resentment, controlling behaviors, pretending, manipulating, or self-destructive acting out is wrong, but as victims we feel justified. As we begin to see the real damage that WE have done, whether in response to abuse or not, we will be filled with deep regret and remorse. This is necessary for us to be willing to change.

Regarding grieving, Nancy Groom says, "Our call is not to act on those negative emotions – but to be willing to feel them. Grief need not end in resentment or alienation, though it often begins or pauses there on the way to healing...We may find within us a deep fear that entering our sorrow or rage might create an emotional avalanche sweeping everything, including ourselves, before it in devastation. Surely we will experience some unsettling and even excruciating emotions along the path to change, but God has promised

Counseling the Codependent ~ 69 never to forsake us. His Spirit will strengthen us for whatever we encounter, and His people can support us along the way."6

GRACE The honesty, which comes from our grieving, enables us to embrace forgiveness, which is the heart of grace or unmerited favor. In Matthew 18, Jesus tells Peter a story in which the king and master is God Himself. Jesus reminds Peter that God had already forgiven him an inestimable debt. Therefore, he should not be like the servant who, after being forgiven his huge debt, refused to show mercy and compassion toward the person who owed him a much smaller debt.

In His mercy God forgave us and saved us when we deserved nothing but condemnation and eternal punishment. Verse 35 says we must become willing "from the heart" to forgive and to be reconciled and to overcome the tendency to retaliate.

At those times when we need to make amends for wrongs we have done, the underlying attitude must still be the same – “from the heart." When God sees such a heart – totally willing to obey regardless of the human outcome – He will move and work and bless far above our ability to ask or even think.7

To receive God's forgiveness we must confess our sin. In order to issue forgiveness we must first admit that we have been hurt. Many Christians excuse, rationalize, or minimize the offenses that have been done to them and call it forgiveness. Yet they do not experience the release that comes from true forgiveness. This usually has to do with judgments they have pronounced against themselves and others, and denying the real pain of their losses.

Forgiveness is scorned in certain recovery circles. Abuse victims are often told that it is optional, and it is perceived as weakness or giving in. Many groups who perceive and identify themselves as victims focus on the offenses done to them as badges of honor which impel their political efforts. Feminist and homosexual groups particularly have tried to make their feelings/experiences of "BEING OFFENDED" the basis for new harassment laws beyond the scope of basic civil rights issues. It is politically correct to be "offended"; it promotes the victim role, unrealistic thinking, and excuses self-responsibility.

According to Matthew 18, Jesus says that forgiveness is not optional. He goes on to show the consequences of unforgiveness: being turned over to the "tormentors". One of the five major areas in Christian counseling is the bitterness of unforgiveness.8 The emotional reality of this bitterness is no less than being in torment, reliving the abuse, the outrage, the

Counseling the Codependent ~ 70 betrayal, the helplessness, the fear. Reliving the offense can waste years and sap energy and vitality needed in other areas of our lives.

Forgiveness is not natural; when someone hurts us and we experience pain, it is not natural to overlook that. It is human nature to retaliate, to issue judgments and condemn, to withdraw and focus on our wound. We hold onto our pain this way and create for ourselves the torment of unforgiveness which becomes a perverse motivation in our lives.

Forgiveness is supernatural; it is God's idea. It is His way to respond to the pain/offenses of life, and thereby release us from the festering torment of unforgiveness and also to release Him to work in the situation. It is to our benefit to release the offender/perpetrator and turn him over to God to implement His justice for that person, whether we see it or not. It is a powerful and beneficial spiritual principle, and you do not have to be a Christian to apply it and know its reality. While forgiveness is not optional for the Christian, when a person chooses to issue forgiveness is.

Many abuse victims and adult children have been superficially counseled and exhorted to forgive, forgive, forgive. The result is condemnation if they say the words but still feel bitter and resentful. There is much ignorance among Christians who do not understand God's healing process and the way He brings hurting people through important steps as they learn to trust Him.

Just saying words of forgiveness is not enough. Trusting the love of God enough to let go of our deepest core pain is both frightening and abundantly liberating. It is a miracle which resurrects, restores, and empowers the most devastated victim and most identifies us with the Lord Jesus Christ. While it is a privilege to instruct someone in the power of forgiveness, we do not control them. We must not trivialize this powerful act by forgetting how very difficult it can be, or by requiring it of someone who is not ready.

There is another aspect of the stage of healing we are calling GRACE. Throughout the Scripture we find promises of God's grace and mercy. It is a principle that He draws near to the brokenhearted. He is the God of all comfort. Usually codependents put much effort into denying their own brokenheartedness and then blame GOD for being so distant.

We are meant to grieve our losses and our layers on an ongoing basis and God is there to be with us throughout our lives. He wants us to experience and know His grace and mercy through His PRESENCE in every situation. He will literally let us feel and sense His closeness. This is not an abstraction or a mental ascent to the possibility, but a KNOWING of His closeness, in, around, and next to us because He loves us.

Counseling the Codependent ~ 71 Isaiah prophesied that the people of Judah would suffer because of their sin; they would experience the consequences of their choices. But God did not abandon them. He drew near to them. His presence brings peace and comfort in the midst of every storm. "When you pass through the waters, I will be with you; and when you pass through the rivers, they will not sweep over you. When you walk through the fire, you will not be burned; the flames will not set you ablaze.... Do not be afraid, for I am with you (Is. 43:2, 5).

GOD DEPENDENCY/SURRENDER Recovery is the result of our moving through Grieving (for losses/layers/pretense/ autonomy) and on to Grace (for losses/layers/pretense/autonomy). As we come up the right side of the ‘‘V’’ to the top we come to true God dependency and to true Victory. We come to surrender and to trust in God. Our deepest longings are indeed met by God as we become truly dependent on Him. We cannot earn or merit grace and usually we must learn how to receive it. This is the ongoing process of coming to know the love of the Father. It can be a threatening process as we let go and turn our lives over to God.

True surrender means a person enters into life through faith in Jesus Christ's atoning death. Surrender means abiding in God's grace and receiving His acceptance, forgiveness, and empowerment in the Holy Spirit. The results are true spiritual vitality, a secure sense of place and worth, and the potential for intimacy.9

LONGINGS GOD-DEPENDENCY/ SURRENDER

GRACE

GRIEVING

ANTI-DEPENDENCE

The goal of recovery from the bondage of codependency is bonding. "Bonding is the love-connection we enjoy with God and others that motivates us to worship and trust God and to do for others whatever is for their ultimate well-being."10

True interdependence occurs when two persons, who are secure in God's acceptance, can give and receive love and forgiveness without demanding approval or conformity to expectations in return. Spiritual vitality, a balanced view of self and genuine intimacy will be possible.11

Counseling the Codependent ~ 72 When we bond with God and know that we truly belong to Him, then healing will begin, in ourselves and in our broken relationships. God's grace is meant to restore relationships and to build community. It is the Spirit's work to bring individuals into the unity of the Body of Christ. Our capacity for mutual interdependence with others in community is based on the strength and reality of our bond with our Heavenly Father.

True recovery will be a lifelong process. It is not about doing everything right; it is about living right, free from bondage and condemnation. Recovery opens us up to a new child-like wonder at the possibilities that lay ahead. We move beyond our distrust and self- centeredness to being open to the Holy Spirit revealing the Son in us, simply because it is the Father's good pleasure to do so. The apostle John, late in his life, expressed it this way:

See how great a love the Father has bestowed upon us, that we should be called children of God....Beloved, now we are children of God, and it has not appeared as yet what we shall be. We know that, when He appears, we shall be like Him, because we shall see Him just as He is. And everyone who has this hope fixed on Him purifies himself, just as He is pure. (I John 3:1-3).

------

Counseling the Codependent ~ 73 NOTES

1 Nancy Groom, FROM BONDAGE TO BONDING (Colorado Springs, 1991), pp. 15-63.

2 Nancy Groom, FROM BONDAGE TO BONDING Workbook (Colorado Springs, 1991), p. 19.

3 Ibid., p. 52.

4 Groom, p. 162.

5 Groom, p. 99-100.

6 Groom, workbook, p. 63.

7 DAY BY DAY LOVE IS A CHOICE: DEVOTIONS FOR CODEPENDENTS. (Nashville: 1991), p. for May 31.

8 THE FIVE MAJOR AREAS OF CHRISTIAN COUNSELING INCLUDE: 1) GENERATIONAL SINS 2) THE BITTERNESS OF UNFORGIVENESS 3) PSYCHIC INFLUENCES, SUCH AS OCCULTISM, WHICH AFFECT BELIEF 4) BREAKING CURSES, VOWS, PRONOUNCEMENTS AND JUDGMENTS, AND 5) INNER HEALING.

9 Groom, p. 163.

10 Groom, workbook, p. 205.

11 Groom, p. 163.

Counseling the Codependent ~ 74

Counseling the Codependent

Part II

CHAPTER VIII

THE PSYCHODYNAMICS OF A PERSONALITY DISORDER

“PARADOX” – DEFINITION: A seemingly contradictory statement that may nonetheless be true; a statement contrary to received opinion.1

EXAMPLE: People who give and give, advise, caretake, rescue, and fix other people are really takers in disguise.

This statement may seem like a paradox to some, but not to those who understand the issue of codependency. Once the contradictory pattern is seen for what is is, then the process of healing and recovery begins.

Codependency is a learned behavior; we usually "catch it" from our families of origin. Codependency is not genetic. We are not born with it, although our temperament will determine the direction and intensity it takes in our lives.

Codependency comes under the broad category of personality disorders. The DSM-IV-TR code is 301.9 Personality Disorder, Not Otherwise Specified (N.O.S.).2 Minirth and Meier define a personality disorder as...deeply ingrained patterns of maladaptive behavior, often present throughout life. Personality disorders are characterized by behavior patterns rather than by the symptoms (such as anxiety or depression) which typify the clinical syndromes.3

Other examples of personality disorders are the passive-aggressive personality; the antisocial personality; the avoidant personality; the obsessive-compulsive personality; the narcissistic personality; the paranoid personality, etc.4

But how is codependency learned so well by so many people? The answer can be found in a brief overview of the developmental process associated with the psychodynamics of certain personality disorders.5 The term psychodynamics refers to the unconscious motivational forces which influence personality, behavior, and attitude; the interplay of the conscious and unconscious mind.

Even though people are unique and very different in their outlook, perceptions and experiences, certain patterns seem to develop which are consistent and predictable. We will look at a pattern of relationship instability that occurs between people and in the extreme can develop into a personality disorder.

Counseling the Codependent ~ 75 HEALTHY DEVELOPMENTAL CYCLE

When an infant is born it has the most special type of relationship with the mother. It is the mother who holds, feeds, touches, soothes and bonds with the infant. The infant looks forward to the mother. What little the infant relates to the environment is safe because the mother is safe. The mother and the environment are the same to the infant; they are not differentiated (See diagram at end of chapter).

As the months progress, the infant is able to relate more to the environment as their vision and other senses improve and they are better able to distinguish colors, objects, and sounds. And if the mother is still safe then as far as they are concerned, the environment is still safe. The infant will take more risks, reaching out, touching and exploring. If the environment is not safe at this point, then that means that the mother is not safe, because the mother is supposed to make it safe. The infant relates the mother with all that is going on around them.

This process of relating happens between birth and eighteen to twenty-four months of life. At this point in the developmental cycle the concept of TRUST is developed within the infant. This is an unconscious awareness: "I trust Mom; Mom meets my needs, so everything that happens to me I trust because Mom keeps me safe."

The separation-individuation process continues as the child matures. The child is relating more to the environment and the mother is detaching from the oneness they once had. Around three to five years of age the child has now separated completely from the mother and can relate to her as a separate individual and can also relate to themselves as individuals. They will also be able to relate better to the father and to other siblings as separate individuals.

This completes the HEALTHY cycle where a child at three to five years can relate to the world around it in a healthy way because they have trust. Within their hearts and within their very being they are able to trust.

UNHEALTHY DEVELOPMENTAL CYCLE

Problems occur when an infant is born into an unsafe, dysfunctional environment where the mother is not safe, and also in any situation where the child's emotional needs are not met. Such a child does not develop properly like the child who develops in a safe environment.

Emotional neglect of an infant can be intentional or unintentional. For example, it can be intentional in the case of a mother who is not able to give love to the infant due to a personality disorder. Since she cannot relate to the infant in a nurturing way, she distances herself and the

Counseling the Codependent ~ 76 infant does not experience maternal bonding.

Unintentional neglect often happens in the case of a mother who has to return to work and so must leave her infant shortly after it is born. The lack of bonding will cause the child to experience emotional neglect.

By the age of three to five years the emotional neglect will cause these children to experience a fear of abandonment (rejection).

In the case of the mother who is overprotective and smothering, not allowing the child to interact with the environment and venture out, there will also be problems. If the mother refuses to wean the child at an appropriate age; clings to the child; carries the child who could easily walk, then this mother is using the child as a security blanket. Her own emotional problems or personality disorder will cause the child to develop another personality disorder.

This type of mother could not develop within herself a sense of independence or strength. Perhaps she has a fear of abandonment herself so she clings to the child to prevent it from abandoning her. So the child becomes a source of strength to her but also a source of fear of eventual abandonment so she clings even more. This type of enmeshment causes the child to develop a fear of control or of being controlled (fear of engulfment).

Unfortunately, some of us did not have a "good enough mother". Our mother may have had fears and doubts about her ability to take care of us, and we experienced those feelings from her, making our need for emotional connectedness and safety even stronger. The cycle goes like this: Mom has her own deficits, her own unmet needs, which she then transfers to her infant. The more demanding the infant becomes, the more anxiety or fear the mother experiences. Because the emotionally damaged infant is not able to give love back to the mother, the unmet needs of both the mother and her child continue feeding off each other and are multiplied exponentially. As the cycle spins on and on, the infant begins to suffer emotional damage from unsafe feelings of anxiety and fear.6

We all bring into the world our own identity which is our temperament. Psalm 139 says God puts the seed of our identity, of who we are, into our mother's womb. The identity God gives us has to do with the plan God has for us. We arrive in the world with our identity already established within us. No two children are the same and any parent of more than one child knows that they are different from the day they are born.7

Our God-given temperaments have the potential strengths we need to carry out God's plans for us. But within every strength there is a potential weakness, the "flip side", which exists because we live in a fallen world and because of the sin nature. Our weaknesses will eventually teach us to

Counseling the Codependent ~ 77 depend on God.8 The strength of independence, and the strength of will have the opposite weaknesses of the fear of abandonment (rejection), and the fear of control which is in essence, the fear of someone else's strength.

In some temperaments there is already an existing fear of abandonment or rejection, or a fear of control or both. The child who has not developed trust and who has one of those particular temperaments, will have their fears intensified and compounded. These children will act out with RAGE as in temper tantrums. But there will also be other children in whom the rage is hidden and even though it is there, you cannot detect it.

Because children do not establish their thinking skills until ten to twelve years, they do not understand what they are thinking or feeling. They are not conscious of how they feel and they are not choosing to act upon their feelings, rather they are simply reacting. Because they are easily frustrated and easily angered they soon move beyond simple frustration or anger and go right into RAGE.

Once rage gets established as a pattern in a child's behavior they rage in response to everything. When there is a problem, they rage; a simple change in plans, they rage; a conflict of any kind brings rage. By the time this child reaches three to five years, he has not developed trust and individuality; he has developed distrust with all his problems. These children become distrustful of any change since it might not meet their needs.

A child who trusts can problem-solve better and is more able to adjust when change occurs. The dysfunctional child cannot adjust because the only way they know how to be happy is to take. They do not trust their parents or anyone else to meet their needs so the only one who can meet their needs is themselves. They become takers. They become manipulators by learning to manipulate people and the environment around them to get their needs met because their needs have not been met up to this point. Distrust is all they know.

Then to justify what they are taking and to rationalize their behavior in their own minds, they blame. In order to make sense of their situation they think, "It's your fault and that's why I deserve what I'm taking." And this establishes another pattern of shifting blame from one person to another; not taking responsibility for themselves but blaming others to justify their taking.

So now the infant has become a child who is "rageful", who has fear of control or fear of abandonment or both and over time he becomes a teenager or a young adult. At a certain point he has built a wall around himself so that he can only relate to people and the environment in a superficial, depersonal way. He is not able to relate significantly in school, work or to others.

So this young person is now a taker who blames others, and who becomes enraged

Counseling the Codependent ~ 78 when things do not go his way. But he has to find a way to control himself because social pressure says that it is no longer acceptable to throw a temper tantrum when he feels fearful. He must learn to control himself with a self-protective control mechanism or a defense mechanism. This can be drinking; getting high; overeating; working out or other intense activity; sleeping; etc. Caretaking and rescuing patterns can develop as a way to relieve the fear and pressure.

Every time this teenager or adult comes up against the wall they have built, they experience a feeling of inadequacy that wells up within because of the fear... "I can't... I'm unable...I'll fail". Because they learned early in life to blame others to justify what they were doing, they shift the blame to someone else instead of taking responsibility for their own performance. "It's the teacher's fault, or the boss or the girlfriend". Nothing is ever their fault; everyone else is to blame for their feelings and their problems. These individuals feel pressure, get angry, then blame-shift. They quit school, jobs, and quickly end relationships they truly need and desire.

If you can remember how insecure you felt on your first date or when you were learning to drive a stick shift or your first day of high school, then you can relate to what if feels like to come up against the wall. You probably felt full of fears and uncertainty from not having any previous experience from which to gain confidence.

One key trait of living such a superficial lifestyle is panic. When these individuals feel out of control or things are not going their way or they feel uncertain with a lot of self-doubt, then panic sets in. It is part of the rage and fears of their early years surfacing.9

When these teenagers or adults are led up to their personal wall in counseling, they get uncomfortable and then get angry. They miss appointments, criticize and change counselors when they begin to feel the pressure.

This happens in churches all the time when people cannot hide anymore. When more is expected of them they will begin to feel the pressure, then the fear welling up, and they begin to look on whom they can blame it. And in time they leave and may become "church hoppers", missing out on the vitality found in the fellowship of the faith community.

GOAL OF COUNSELING

The goal of counseling is to help the person to get through the wall they have built and to break through their superficial way of relating to life and to learn a deeper way of relating. But this wall is so strong it cannot be knocked down all at once; you have to knock holes through it. Every time someone comes to counseling, they punch a hole in the wall; every time they gain a new understanding of self and others, they punch a hole in their wall.

Counseling the Codependent ~ 79 Eventually, if they maintain a therapeutic relationship long enough the wall will deteriorate because they will have developed a relationship with the counselor which is deeper than any they have previously experienced. The relationship with the counselor helps them to move from the fear and coping patterns of distrust to the freedom and possibilities found through trust. As the wall deteriorates they deepen the way they relate and they will feel more comfortable and less panic.

Small-group counseling is effective in dealing with psychological problems as well as interpersonal problems, as individuals are apt to display in small-group situations the very problems that occur within themselves. As they continue to deal with those problems within an accepting, supportive, and interpersonal situation, these individuals progress toward becoming whole persons while they are developing healthy interpersonal dynamics.10

It is a process to get through the wall. It was a process of three to five years to develop these patterns of distrust and dysfunctional relating. It is going to take time for someone to make the changes they need to make. That is why commitment is so important. If a person does not have the commitment to change, then change will be less likely because of the old patterns and fears coming against them.11

In the Christian walk God helps people to have this commitment through the ministry of the Holy Spirit. When people make the commitment to Him to change they are not just doing it for themselves but also to be better vessels for His use. The process is called sanctification.

It is in the Father's heart to draw the wounded and fearful into a real experience of His goodness and faithfulness. God truly heals and restores us. He desires that we come to a true understanding of our inner man, of the true dynamics of our unique temperament. Trusting comes naturally when we become unentangled with others and become the whole individuals He intended. Then we become free to depend on Him as well-loved sons and daughters, and able to relate to our world with hope, and finally with power.

The paradox of the codependent, the taker disguised as a giver, is clearly a variation of the psychodynamics of this model of taking to fill unmet needs.

Before turning to Temperament Therapy and the details of codependency and individual temperaments, the next chapter will present the concepts of our God-given temperament, determinism, and a model for the inner man.

Counseling the Codependent ~ 80 PSYCHODYNAMICS OF A PERSONALITY DISORDER by Pierre Samaan, Ph.D. Healthy Cycle Unhealthy Cycle Mother Mother

Infant

Infant Birth to 18/24 months

TRUST DISTRUST

Environment

Mother

Infant

Child

Mother

Individuation Complete Pattern of Child 3 to 5 years Child Pressure causes

Panic Father ______&

WALL Siblin

g Rage

TRUST DISTRUST

Free to be self Fear of abandonment if neglected Free to relate to others Fear of control if overprotected Trust others to meet needs Erect wall of self-protection Pressure= problem-solving Take/Manipulate = Blame others

Counseling the Codependent ~ 81 NOTES

1 "Paradox," AMERICAN HERITAGE DICTIONARY, Third Edition, 1992, CompuServe.

2 American Psychiatric Association, DIAGNOSTIC AND STATISTICAL MANUAL OF MENTAL DISORDERS, FOURTH EDITION TR (Washington, D.C., 2000).

3 Paul Meier, Frank Minirth, Frank Wichern, Donald Ratcliff INTRODUCTION TO PSYCHOLOGY AND COUNSELING: CHRISTIAN PERSPECTIVES AND APPLICATIONS Second Edition (Grand Rapids, 1991), p. 287.

4 Ibid., p. 292.

5 James Masterson PSYCHOTHERAPY OF THE BORDERLINE ADULT A DEVELOPMENTAL APPROACH (New York, 1976), Chapters 3 and 4.

6 Jan and David Stoop SAYING GOODBYE TO DISAPPOINTMENTS (Nashville, 1993), p. 69.

7 Richard G. Arno TEMPERAMENT THEORY (Sarasota, 1992), p. 3.

8 Ibid., p. 67.

9 Masterson, p. 39.

10 Meier, et al., p. 323.

11 Pierre Samaan, Ph.D. Credit is gratefully given for his insights into the development of codependency using this model, the diagram, and also the goals and implications for counseling. Personal interview, 19 May 1994.

Diagram graphics by Mark Hancock

Counseling the Codependent ~ 82 CHAPTER IX

TEMPERAMENT "FOR YOU CREATED MY INMOST BEING; YOU KNIT ME TOGETHER IN MY MOTHER'S WOMB. I PRAISE YOU BECAUSE I AM FEARFULLY AND WONDERFULLY MADE; YOUR WORKS ARE WONDERFUL, I KNOW THAT FULL WELL." Psalms 139:13,14

GIVEN BY GOD

"The psalmist is saying that God has created him with a unique mind and emotional state (his inward parts) as well as created his physical structure and appearance (his outward parts)."1 The psalmist can see that God has made him a separate and unique individual, different from everyone else. And by doing so, God has done a wonderful work, and He is worthy of honor and praise.

Our basic identity is formed by the various attributes and components that make up our differences. This identity is basically unchangeable because a very wise God created it. It is right for us in spite of our efforts to change it, improve on it or to modify it. This God-created, God-given, unique identity is called "temperament."2

According to the National Christian Counselors Association, our God-created temperament, our identity, is the genetic inborn part of man that determines how we react to people, places and things. It is how we interact with our environment and the world around us. Relationally our temperament will affect our perceptions of ourselves, the people who love us, and our relationship with God Himself. Our ability to accomplish tasks, make decisions, and handle stress are tied to our temperament.3 Individual temperament determines our basic needs of life and how we respond when those needs are not met. Our basic temperament traits set the "tone and rhythm" by which we live our lives.

"WHEN I WAS WOVEN TOGETHER IN THE DEPTHS OF THE EARTH YOUR EYES SAW MY UNFORMED BODY. ALL THE DAYS ORDAINED FOR ME WERE WRITTEN IN YOUR BOOK BEFORE ONE OF THEM CAME TO BE." Psalms 139:15,16

These verses provide insight concerning the inborn equipping we need to react to our environment. "This equipping was given to us by God after He knew His purposes for us. He gave us the tools (temperament) to accomplish His purposes and to react to our environment and those around us in such a way that we might bring glory to Him."4

Counseling the Codependent ~ 83 The apostle Paul reiterates this theme in the New Testament when writing to the new Christians in Ephesus:

BUT GOD, BEING RICH IN MERCY, BECAUSE OF HIS GREAT LOVE WITH WHICH HE LOVED US, EVEN WHEN WE WERE DEAD IN OUR TRANSGRESSIONS, MADE US ALIVE TOGETHER WITH CHRIST (BY GRACE YOU HAVE BEEN SAVED), AND RAISED US UP WITH HIM, AND SEATED US WITH HIM IN THE HEAVENLY PLACES, IN CHRIST JESUS, IN ORDER THAT IN THE AGES TO COME HE MIGHT SHOW THE SURPASSING RICHES OF HIS GRACE IN KINDNESS TOWARD US IN CHRIST JESUS....FOR WE ARE HIS WORKMANSHIP, CREATED IN CHRIST JESUS FOR GOOD WORKS, WHICH GOD PREPARED BEFOREHAND, THAT WE SHOULD WALK IN THEM. Ephesians 2:4-7,10 NAS

If God Himself places the seed of our identity within us before birth, does this imply that our lives are controlled or preprogrammed and therefore less significant? Is this a form of divine determinism?

DETERMINISM

Determinism is the theory that all human action is caused entirely by preceding events, and not by the exercise of the will. In philosophy the theory is based on the metaphysical principle that an uncaused event is impossible. This principle is supported by the success of scientists in various fields discovering causes of certain behavior and in some cases effecting control of behavior.5

Determinism as used in this discussion is not to be confused with the Christian doctrine of predestination which holds that God has foreordained all things, especially the election of individual souls to either eternal salvation or condemnation.6 Also determinism is not fatalism which holds that all events are predetermined by fate and are unalterable and inevitable. Fatalism is a part of the closed systems of the Islamic and Hindu worldviews.

Most twentieth century Westerners wrestle with the concept that a supernatural, sovereign, loving God has a predetermined purpose for our lives. Our self-perception and independent attitudes wrestle with the concept of God placing our identity within us in the womb, yet we readily accept "the fact of determinism" in other arenas and modes.

For example, physical determinism is the theory that human interaction can be reduced to relationships between biological, chemical, or physical entities. This gives us sociobiology which is the study of the biological and genetic causes of animal and human social behavior.

Counseling the Codependent ~ 84 Examples: cattle eat grass not meat; some species migrate; females typically nurture the young; some violent (criminal) behavior may have a genetic link, etc.

The historical determinism of Karl Marx defined and limited human interaction to economic terms. Currently socio/economic, and political variables are perceived as determining factors which provide the platform for enlightened social reforms, i.e. "breaking the cycle of poverty"; affirmative action; public health medicine and education; prison reform, etc.

Secular materialists espouse the belief of Charles Darwin that creation, nature and humanity are the result of a random, purposeless material process. In this worldview the determinism of natural selection is assumed and "LIFE" itself is defined as matter evolving by natural selection. "Life is a product of evolution,"...and the indispensable element in evolution is natural selection. This means that the purpose of a living thing "is to survive, to compete, to reproduce its kind against the odds."7

This theory says in the beginning was ... "spontaneous self-organization", a concept based upon the premise that complex dynamical systems tend to fall into a highly ordered state. 8 This premise is embraced in spite of its contradiction to the Second Law of Thermodynamics which says that ordered energy inevitably collapses into disorder or maximum "entropy". Familiar examples of this law are a typical teenager's room or a junked car left out in a field. If left alone both will deteriorate and disintegrate unless other energy is brought to bear.

The "FACT OF EVOLUTION" is based on the survival of the fittest who adapt in response to the purposeless forces of nature. Human evolutionary development is predetermined to progress from simple to complex forms; from disorganized to highly organized systems; and from primitive animal-like behavior to highly moral and aesthetically aware and sensitive. This assumed developmental pattern is also contrary to the rest of the universe science typically describes as running down and becoming more disordered.

The issue is not whether mutation of genes and natural selection occur. Of course they do. The genetic fitness of a population is maintained this way. Infants with severe birth defects do not survive to maturity without extensive medical intervention, and creatures which do not survive to reproduce do not leave descendants. The issue is the Darwinist claim that this process has a building effect so powerful that it can begin with minerals, or even a single cell and gradually produce over time such wonders as flowers, trees, fish, birds, and rational human beings.9

Many scientists writing about DNA often stress the appearance of purpose and design, the immense complexity of the simplest cell, and life being sustained by the apparent need for many complex components to work together.

Counseling the Codependent ~ 85 Everyone uses the vocabulary of intelligent communication to describe protein synthesis: messages, programmed instructions, languages, information, coding and decoding, libraries....Why not consider the possibility that life is what it so evidently seems to be, the product of creative intelligence? Science would not come to an end, because the task would remain of deciphering the languages in which genetic information is communicated, and in general finding out the whole system works. What scientists would lose is not an inspiring research program, but the illusion of total mastery of nature. They would have to face the possibility that beyond the natural world there is a further reality which transcends science.10

Secular psychology covers a full gamut of determinism: from the tyranny of Freud's unconscious conflicts caused by unfulfilled sexual drives to Skinner's behavioral theory that personality is strictly the result of prior conditioned responses, and all internal states are caused by measurable and observable events. In this model man is truly reduced to a mere mechanical puppet, a monkey puppet no doubt.

Such mechanistic thinking helped to stimulate the existentialists' position that man could somehow be free and rise above the effects of determinism. They hold that determinism can be negated by introspection.

This means that human actions could be the result of our own choices or caused by deep feelings like "angst" or an ultimate or "final experience," and not solely caused by previous events or external factors. For the existentialist, the authentic life is defined as one lived by choice regardless of the moral content of the choices made. "I CHOOSE AND/OR I EXPERIENCE; THEREFORE I AM." But the determinist’s response is that such experiences of freedom are illusions and that introspection is an unreliable and unscientific method for understanding human behavior.11

Into this standoff a physicist named Werner Heisenberg asserted that the scientist is as much a participant as an observer and therefore interferes with the neutrality and very nature of the object he is observing. He questioned whether it is possible to determine an objective framework through which one can distinguish cause from effect since the scientist always brings his own perceptions into the analysis of the event and becomes a part of its cause.12

Nonetheless, psychological determinism is the theory that the purposes, needs, and desires of individuals are central to an explanation of human behavior.13

Phenomenological or humanistic psychologists like Carl Rogers and Abraham Maslow are kinder in their perception of human beings who are seen as basically good. They perceive man in a PROCESS OF BECOMING, developing toward a greater wholeness and self-understanding in response to love and acceptance. These men assume that a predetermined hierarchy of legitimate

Counseling the Codependent ~ 86 needs exists INNATELY in each person. These predetermined needs must be fulfilled as one progressively moves toward self-actualization, which is the expression of true individuality and harmony of the self with the self.14

Developmentalists like Erikson, Piaget, Kohlberg and Fowler offer helpful theories which organize the pattern of human development from birth to adulthood. Each presents specific predetermined stages which every person must progress through, physically, emotionally, cognitively, and morally.15

Since the sixties a new type of determinism has arisen in Western thinking. Many well- educated people have experimented with psychedelic drugs and Eastern mysticism and have embraced a non-biblical supernaturalism and a consciousness and/or movement referred to as New Age. This worldview routinely attributes individual destiny to a fantastic spectrum: from unlimited human potential as evidenced by parapsychology (ESP, mind control, etc.) to the determining power of celestial bodies in astrology; and the karma (consequences) of past lives and present deeds in the endless cycle of reincarnation.

Witchcraft or Wicca and goddess worship represent a return to primal energies of fertility, sensuality, imagination and pagan celebration. Much credence is given to the determining and potent effects of crystals; colors; Tarot cards; rune stones; Ouija boards; mantras; harmonized energies; secret initiations; psychic healers; and even channeled communication through mediums to consult with the dead, angels, ascended masters or spirit guides, and of course, extraterrestrial beings.16

The preceding examples of determinism each focus on one facet of the human experience. The facet is then seen as an overarching cause or empowering influence. This perception of importance is unfounded. For review:

• PHYSICAL DETERMINISM: biological basis for social behavior

• "SOCIOLOGICAL" DETERMINISM: socio/economic and political forces

• DARWINIAN DETERMINISM: competition of natural selection

• PSYCHOLOGICAL DETERMINISM:

• unresolved sexual conflict

• conditioned/programmed behavior

Counseling the Codependent ~ 87 • unresolved need for love

• preprogrammed stages of development

• SUPERNATURAL DETERMINISM: occult forces

BIBLICAL WORLDVIEW

Each one of the above identifies a legitimate yet limited aspect of the human experience. In contrast, the Biblical worldview encompasses all, not by starting with man but by declaring that God IS. Francis Schaeffer says it this way:

The Bible says, first of all that in the beginning all things were created by a personal-infinite God, who had always existed. So what is, therefore, is intrinsically personal rather than impersonal. Then the Bible says that He created all things outside of Himself...not in a spatial sense, but to deny that creation is any kind of pantheistic extension of God's essence. God exists – a personal God who has always existed...Thus, because the universe begins with a truly personal beginning, those longings of love and communication which man has are not contrary to that which intrinsically is....What He has created is objectively real, thus there is true historic cause and effect. There is a true history and there is a true me. In this setting of a significant history, the Bible says that God made man in a special way, in His own image. If I do not understand that man's basic relationship is upward, I must try to find it downward... (by relating myself to animal nature) or to the machine.17

His comments about the nature of man:

The fact that man has fallen does not mean that he has ceased to bear God's image. He has not ceased to be man because he is fallen. He can love, though he is fallen. It would be a mistake to say that only a Christian can love. Moreover, a non-Christian painter can still paint beauty. And it is because they can still do these things that they manifest that they are God's image-bearers, or to put another way, they assert their unique "mannishness" as men. So it is a truly wonderful thing that, although man is twisted and corrupted and lost as a result of the Fall, yet he is still man. He has become neither a machine nor an animal nor a plant. The marks of mannishness are still upon him – love, rationality, longing for significance, fear of non-being, and so on. This is the case even when his non-Christian system leads him to say these things do not exist....beginning only from himself autonomously, it is quite obvious that, being finite, he can never reach any absolute answer... This would be true (because he is finite) but to this must be added, since the Fall, the fact of his rebellion. He rebels against, and perverts, the testimony of what exists – the external universe and its form, and the mannishness of man.18

Counseling the Codependent ~ 88 Schaeffer states the Christian message in these words:

First, God made the whole man and He is interested in the whole man. Second, when the historic space-time Fall took place, it affected the whole man. Third, on the basis of Christ's work as Savior, and having the knowledge that we possess in the revelation of the Scriptures, there is redemption for the whole man. In the future, the whole man will be raised from the dead and will be redeemed perfectly. And Paul says in Romans 6 that even in the present life we are to have a substantial reality of the redemption of the whole man. This is to be on the basis of the shed blood of Christ and in the power of the Holy Spirit through faith, even though it will not be perfect in this life. There is the real lordship of Christ over the whole man. There is nothing autonomous – nothing apart from the lordship of Jesus Christ and the authority of the Scriptures....the result is a unity.19

The Biblical position is clear: man's behavior cannot simply be explained as a result of determinism of any kind. Man is in the midst of a supernatural drama and needs the information which God has given in the Scriptures. Man has dignity because he is made in God's image and therefore he is significant. Man is unprogrammed because he can make choices and he can change history. Man is significant and when he is in rebellion against God he has true, moral guilt. Jesus died on the cross in substitution and as a propitiation in order to save real men from their real, true guilt. No psychological or theological theories can change that. Christ died for men who had true, moral guilt because they had made real and true choices.

The belief that a loving, all knowing God individually creates and designs each human being with unique, identifiable traits AND with unique purpose is often refuted as simplistic. This belief is rejected by secularists, by supernaturalists and even by some Christians who readily accept other forms of determinism.

The following objections are common:

• the complexity and diversity of human behavior

• the tragic and painful reality of the human drama

• a concept of "free will" and individual sovereignty which persists in spite of the workings of determinism

Temperament Theory is not simplistic; it does not see man as preprogrammed but free to act and to interact on three levels: spirit, soul, and body. Temperament Theory acknowledges the reality of the complexity and pain of the human drama, and "free will" through two other factors in the

Counseling the Codependent ~ 89 complex subject called "the inner man."

THE INNER MAN

"THEREFORE WE DO NOT LOSE HEART, BUT THOUGH OUR OUTER MAN IS DECAYING, YET OUR INNER MAN IS BEING RENEWED DAY BY DAY." II Corinthians 4:16 NAS

While the foundational premise or basis of understanding human behavior is temperament, we must understand the impact of character and personality. These three components make up the "INNER MAN": 20

TEMPERAMENT: INBORN

The genetic inborn part of man that determines how we react to people, places and things. It affects how we interact with our environment and the world around us. Temperament pinpoints our perceptions of ourselves, God, the people who love us, and how much love and affection we need. It is also the determining factor in how we use power, make decisions, how well we handle stress and pressure, and is the source of our gut-level emotions. Temperament is exhibited in the differences between newborn babies and their reactions to stimuli.

CHARACTER: LEARNED BEHAVIOR

Humans are man/environment-affected. At birth we begin to interact with people and the environment. Everything the child sees, hears, smells, tastes, feels, experiences, perceives and learns is locked away forever in the brain. These perceptions mold and alter temperament, forming character; i.e., temperament + environment = character. Character is taught, it can be either good or bad. Whether a man steals or is honest is a character quality which is learned and then chosen consistently. Character can be changed during one's lifetime through an act of the will, considerable awareness and self- discipline.

PERSONALITY: SELF-SELECTED (MASK)

This is the component that we select to portray ourselves to the world. This process of selection is often unconscious, but may also be chosen as an act of the will. Most often it is a MASK and though it has a measure of reality, it is not completely honest. It is the personality that we use for protection from those around us and those elements of our environment which appear to be hurtful. This is one of our defense mechanisms to keep ourselves from being totally demolished emotionally. This same mechanism often builds the walls that keep out love and affection as well as hurtful situations. It is out of the personality that we choose to act out the behavior patterns we think are

Counseling the Codependent ~ 90 appropriate to get us what we need; example: "Always be good, strong and perfect," or "Don't talk, don't trust, don't feel.” Personality reveals the strategies we learned to survive in the world.

Together, all three of these determine how we act and behave in our environment and the world around us. We can respond for a while out of our personality, but eventually our character and temperament will be displayed. People may act one way at the office or in public and another way at home. We learn to survive with our personality, but ultimately our temperament and character reveal who we really are.

The next chapter will give a brief explanation of Temperament Therapy which is based on Temperament Theory. It takes the understanding of the inner man and uses it to help an individual know and understand himself. By helping someone to meet their own unique temperament needs, they can become the best that God created them to be.

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Counseling the Codependent ~ 91 NOTES

1 William Graybill, INTRODUCTION TO TEMPERAMENT THEORY (Sarasota,1992), p.9.

2 Ibid., p. 10.

3 Richard G. Arno, TEMPERAMENT THEORY (Sarasota, 1992), p. 3.

4 Graybill, p. 14.

5 Jesse G. Kalin, "Determinism," AMERICAN ACADEMIC ENCYCLOPEDIA, CompuServe.

6 William Babcock,"Predestination," AMERICAN ACADEMIC ENCYCLOPEDIA, CompuServe.

7 A.G. Cairns-Smith, SEVEN CLUES TO THE ORIGIN OF LIFE, quoted by Philip E. Johnson, DARWIN ON TRIAL (Downers Grove, 1991), p. 109.

8 Philip E. Johnson DARWIN ON TRIAL (Downers Grove, 1991), p. 107.

9 Ibid., p. 16.

10 Ibid., p. 110.

11 Kalin, CompuServe.

12 Ibid.

13 Ibid.

14 Paul Meier, Frank Minirth, Frank Wichern, Donald Ratcliff INTRODUCTION TO PSYCHOLOGY AND COUNSELING: CHRISTIAN PERSPECTIVES AND APPLICATIONS Second Edition (Grand Rapids, 1991), p. 226.

15 Ibid., p. 176-182.

16 Douglas Groothuis UNMASKING THE NEW AGE (Downers Grove, 1986), chapter 7.

17 Frances Schaeffer ESCAPE FROM REASON (Downers Grove, 1968), p. 86.

18 Ibid., p. 88-89.

19 Ibid., p. 28-29.

20 Arno, p. 5-6.

Counseling the Codependent ~ 92 CHAPTER X

TEMPERAMENT THERAPY

Temperament Theory is based on the premise that temperament is the inner part of man which God placed within him in the womb. One's temperament remains the same throughout life. In essence, man is a spiritual being created by God with a precise order and balance of spirit, soul, and body.

Temperament Therapy is concerned with identifying an individual's basic temperament and its needs; the way in which they go about meeting these needs; and the effects of not meeting these needs.

Temperament is identified through a testing instrument, the FIRO B (adult) or FIRO BC (youth), which produces a computer-generated TEMPERAMENT ANALYSIS PROFILE or "T.A.P.".

There are three aspects of Temperament Therapy:1

1. Understanding our own unique self and temperament needs

2. Surrender to God through the Lordship of Jesus Christ, and to His plan for our lives

3. Willingness to surrender our ungodly ways of meeting our temperament needs;

Replacing them with Biblical/ godly ways of meeting our needs;

Living out of our strengths and overcoming our weaknesses by daily surrendering to God while receiving His help.

Every person has temperament needs in varying degree. These needs are met by either drawing from the soul (mind, will, emotions) or from the spirit; the body is under the control of either the soul or the spirit. Both interpersonal and inner conflict are temperament related and caused by:2

1. Individuals trying to meet legitimate temperament needs in ungodly ways (example: seeking peace through drugs; manipulating others to get recognition);

2. Temperament needs being out of balance (example: focusing on intellectual pursuits without taking time alone to recharge; taking on jobs that are too people-oriented if you are task-oriented; rejecting others out of low self-esteem issues when you really have high social needs);

3. Reaction to unmet temperament needs (example: anxiety from taking too much responsibility for others; anger over unmet affection needs; anxiety from lack of a

Counseling the Codependent ~ 93 peaceful environment).

The stress that results from these conflicts along with the stresses of daily living in a fallen world produce a multitude of problems and pain.

Temperament Therapy is based on understanding the inner man and applying that knowledge to bring balance in all three areas of the temperament: Inclusion, Control, and Affection. It is possible to bring these three areas into balance and in turn, lay the foundation to balance the body, soul, and spirit.

In providing the means to understand the temperament needs: Inclusion, Control and Affection and showing how to meet them, we are providing the client with a life where they not only know where the internal stress is coming from, but how to relieve it. When the counselee faces no internal stress, they are less likely to suffer from stress-related physical ailments. When the internal pressure has been relieved, they are less likely to suffer emotional breakdown. When they are at peace within themselves, they are more likely to find peace with God. Temperament Therapy identifies the temperament needs in the counselee and helps them find the balance and relieve the inner stress. It helps them find peace within themselves and their environment and with God.3

AREAS AND NEEDS

The five basic temperaments are: MELANCHOLY; PHLEGMATIC; CHOLERIC; SANGUINE and SUPINE. Most temperament researchers and writers have the simplistic view that an individual is one temperament, i.e., he is a Melancholy or she is a Choleric. This is seldom true. Man is a very complex being, both biologically and psychologically.

Through research and observation the National Christian Counselors Association has divided the temperament into three areas: Inclusion, Control, Affection. These areas are further broken into two types of NEEDS:4

• EXPRESSED NEEDS: those temperament needs which we express or show to others around us through gesture, facial expressions, words, or actions: "what you say you want". The FIRO-B gives a score showing how much certain need is shown (expressed) to other people.

• RESPONSIVE (WANTED) NEEDS: those temperament needs which we want, desire and wish to have fulfilled: " what you really want". The FIRO-B gives a score to show how much a temperament need is wanted in our lives.

Counseling the Codependent ~ 94 It is possible to have a pure temperament, meaning the same temperament is in all three areas. Or a different temperament may influence each of the three areas. Or there may be a combination of temperaments in the expressed and wanted needs in one or more areas, which is called a blended temperament. There are over 4000 basic temperament combinations!5 In addition to the three areas, there are recognized strengths and weaknesses in each.

The three areas of temperament are:6

1. INCLUSION: The need to establish and maintain satisfactory relationships with people in the area of surface relationships, association and socialization. Inclusion deals with the surface relationships we encounter in our daily social situations: career, parties, church, sports activities, etc.; can range from involvement with many people to involvement with only a selected few. ALSO INCLUDES THE COGNITIVE OR INTELLECTUAL FUNCTIONS OF THE TEMPERAMENT, THE WAY WE RECEIVE AND PROCESS INFORMATION.

CORRESPONDS TO THE "MIND" IN THE SOUL REALM.

NEED OF INCLUSION: sense of SIGNIFICANCE, acceptance, akin, part of group, included. (BELONG)

2. CONTROL: The need to establish and maintain a satisfactory relationship with people in respect to control and power. How we control people and situations and how we allow people and situations to control us summarize this area and dictates whether we will be a leader or a follower. Our decision-making process and style is also included.

CORRESPONDS TO THE "WILL" IN THE SOUL REALM.

NEED OF CONTROL: Sense of COMPETENCE; able, effective, capable, adequate, influential. (DO)

3. AFFECTION: The need to give love and affection and how we want to receive love and affection from others. Affection is the area of the temperament which deals one on one. This is not a group function as are inclusion and control. This area deals with the deeper relationships involving intimacy and vulnerability, sharing close, personal feelings, and innermost desires. CORRESPONDS TO THE "EMOTIONS" IN THE SOUL REALM.

NEED OF AFFECTION: Sense of WORTHINESS, lovable, valued, precious, "OK", deserving, admirable (BE).

When temperament is pinpointed and understood, we can use this knowledge to point clients in a direction that will give them self-knowledge in many areas of life. This can lead

Counseling the Codependent ~ 95 towards:7

• deeper self-awareness

• stronger, more fulfilling marriages, family relationships and friendships

• appropriate decision-making strategies

• better career and hobby choices

• healthy ways to counteract stress and pressure

• development of spiritual maturity

The goal of Temperament Therapy is to assist an individual in understanding how to live out of their God-given strengths and to overcome their weakness in healthy ways. The result will be peace, joy, and effectiveness which come from emotional/spiritual growth and maturity.

TWO "TIP-OFFS" FOR CODEPENDENCY

Simply, codependency is the fallacy of trying to control interior feelings by controlling people, things, and events on the outside. Control or the lack of it is the central issue in every aspect of life. Codependency is an addiction or dependency on people – on their moods, attitudes, approval, actions, sickness or well-being, and on their love.8 A codependent often has an overwhelming need to be socially acceptable at all costs in order to feel O.K.

Counselors need to be aware of two "tip-offs" in order to discern if codependent issues are affecting a client. The two most easily identified common denominators are:9

1. Having a relationship, personally or professionally, with troubled, needy, or dependent people (alcoholics/substance abusers; workaholics; obese people; difficult children; very ill family members; physically or emotionally abusive people, etc.)

2. Adhering to a system of unwritten, dysfunctional rules that usually develop in the immediate family and set the pace for relationships. (DON'T TALK, DON'T TRUST, DON'T FEEL, BE PERFECT, etc.)

If either of these is a factor in a client's situation, then it is a signal to look for codependent tendencies and traits and how these correlate with temperament.

Counseling the Codependent ~ 96 SELF CARE AND RECOVERY

Codependent behavior is "a way to meet needs which doesn't meet needs"! Therefore, it is imperative that those dealing with codependent issues learn to identify what their own legitimate needs are. This is done through a process called "self care" which helps the client to become aware of and responsible for their own feelings, their own thoughts, their God-given temperament needs. This process will redirect their focus off the problems and people they are obsessing about and help them to deal with their own unmet needs. Relieving this inner conflict and pattern of "de-selfing" will bring positive results quickly. According to Melody Beattie, the components of "self care" include:10

• Learning to DETACH and to stop obsessing about people/problems

• Doing family of origin work (Chapters III, IV, and VI)

• Nurturing your inner child

• Quit looking for happiness "out there"

• Becoming “undependent”, learn to depend on self and on God

• Taking care of self: goal setting; 12 step program, etc. Learning to solve own problems: make decisions, have choices, be responsible, forgive self

• Feeling your feelings, even if they're unpleasant; don't be afraid, feelings can give you good information

• Tending to your own affairs; leave others’ alone

• Letting others care for themselves for a change

• Stopping rescuing/caretaking and learning about caregiving

• Giving self what you need: rest, peace, space, challenge, a good time/fun, a better job, friends, etc. Setting boundaries in relationships so you are not overwhelmed by others‘ demands/needs

• Learning communication skills, saying what you mean, being direct and honest about your needs and your feelings. Experiment with saying “NO” and living through it

• Trusting....

Temperament therapy can facilitate the process of self-care easily because the T.A.P. results will specify a client's individual needs. A temperament counselor is trained to help people

Counseling the Codependent ~ 97 recognize and meet their needs in Godly, life-producing ways. Recovery from codependency can be expedited through the principles and practices taught by the N.C.C.A.

It is important to have a proper perspective on codependency recovery before presenting more details about temperament and codependent traits. This optimistic perspective is summed up best in CODEPENDENT NO MORE:

Many recoveries from problems that involve a person's mind, emotions, and spirit are long and grueling. Not so, here. Except for normal human emotions we would be feeling anyway, and twinges of discomfort as we begin to behave differently, recovery from codependency is exciting. It is liberating. It lets us be who we are. It lets other people be who they are. It helps us own our God-given power to think, feel, and act. It feels good. It brings peace. It enables us to love ourselves and others. It allows us to receive love – some of the good stuff we've all been looking for. It provides an optimum environment for the people around us to get and stay healthy. And recovery helps stop the unbearable pain many of us have been living with. Recovery is not only fun, it is simple. It is not always easy, but it is simple. It is based on a premise many of us have forgotten or never learned. Each person is responsible for him or herself. It involves learning one new behavior that we will devote ourselves to: taking care of ourselves.11

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Counseling the Codependent ~ 98 NOTES

1 Richard G. Arno, TEMPERAMENT THERAPY Seventh Edition (Sarasota, 1992), p. iii.

2 Ibid., p. iv.

3 Ibid.

4 Richard G. Arno, TEMPERAMENT THEORY Fifth Edition (Sarasota, 1992), p. 57-58.

5 William Graybill, INTRODUCTION TO TEMPERAMENT THEORY Seventh Edition (Sarasota, 1992), p. 21.

6 Arno, THEORY, p. 45-50.

7 Ibid., p. 7.

8 Melody Beattie, CODEPENDENT NO MORE (San Francisco, 1987), p. 53.

9 Melody Beattie, "Codependent No More." Hazelton Audio Cassette Library, METACOM, 1988.

10 Ibid.

11 Beattie, (Book) p. 46-47.

Counseling the Codependent ~ 99 CHAPTER XI

CODEPENDENCY "THE TREE"

The life of a codependent person can be represented by a tree. This tree is beautiful. Its great branches stretch toward the sky, providing shade for anyone who would like to rest beneath it. The dense foliage is filled with sounds of birds, squirrels, woodpeckers, and a host of insects that make their home amidst the branches and in every available knothole. No one seems to notice that the soil in which the tree is planted has not been tilled or cultivated in ever so long. The roots are stunted, the soil is depleted. Very little nourishment can get through to replenish the life of the tree. The tree takes care of everyone, but no one takes care of the tree. It seems fine. The beauty, the busyness in the branches, and the coolness of the shade all draw attention away from the tree, which is slowly wasting away from within. The branches represent areas where you extend yourself into the lives of others. The trunk represents your personal life and inner life. The roots represent your past experiences, beliefs about yourself, and feelings buried in the soil of your past.... As your tree of life continues to grow, the telling moment comes when you must make a choice: Do you dislodge those who have nested there and prune the branches to sustain continued health of the tree? Pruning represents cutting back on the control and care of others enough to give you a chance to replenish your needs. If you are codependent, you forgo pruning for the sake of the nesters. There is no limit to what you are willing to give or endure for the sake of others. You do not sacrifice yourself out of love freely given. Your value, relationships, and security are based on being a nesting place for others. Your identity is the rescuer, savior, martyr, or one who holds things together for everyone else. Perhaps you don't believe the tree deserves a place in the world apart from its usefulness and appearance. Perhaps you fear that if you let go of controlling, manipulating, rescuing, and doing more than enough, the people you love would leave you.... The understanding of what compels you in these ways is probably hidden in the soil of your past, usually your early years of life. Something buried there holds the key.... 1

The analogy of the tree provides another insight into the paradoxical nature of the codependent, someone who appears to be giving from their own inner strength and resources when, in fact, their behavior is a means to protect their own poor self-image, and to gain a sense of control and momentary security.

Counseling the Codependent ~ 100 SEVEN TRAITS

In Chapter II an in-depth inventory of codependent characteristics was subdivided into fourteen categories. Those fourteen have been distilled below into seven distinct traits that will appear beside the temperament strengths and weaknesses which they characterize. Each temperament type will magnify different codependent traits so that patterns of codependent emphasis can be surmised. A choleric and a supine will not act out in the same way even though they have both learned to act codependently. The focus of their recovery issues will also be different. The following presentation of the seven traits will answer the questions, "What does codependency look like? How does it feel? How does it sound?"2 The descriptions are intended to help the counselor relate to the emotional pain and distortions which codependency produce.

1. SELF-FORFEITURE – (forfeit = to lose or lose the right to by some error or offense) -- RESIGNED TO HELPLESSNESS – I'm always reacting to other people and their situations; I feel controlled by their words, actions, or moods; I'm not really sure of who I am, or what I like or need or want; I can quickly guess what you want from me and how I should behave to get you to approve of me or to need me, but when I'm all alone and not reacting to other people, I don't really know who the real "me" is. I'm supposed to set boundaries for myself so I won't feel so used or overwhelmed by the demands of others, but I CAN'T say “NO” when someone needs me. I feel uneasy and unsure of myself and feel more comfortable when I'm "de-selfing" and meeting YOUR needs. I give and give, expecting nothing in return, yet I do resent it. Other people should do the same for me but they don't. I feel used and unhappy because of other people...This can appear to be the Christian virtue of self-sacrifice except that it is self-centered and doesn't bear good fruit in anyone's life.

2. SELF-CONTEMPT – (Low self-esteem) – RESIGNED TO WORTHLESSNESS – I really don't like myself very much. I always feel ashamed and unworthy and dumb. It's better when I can conform to what someone else wants me to be, then for awhile I can feel proud of who YOU think I am. I guess I'm sort of an "approval junkie". I worry a lot that you'll find out that I'm really a fake and that the real me is really not very good after all and then you'll reject me too. It's really scary to think that I might not be able to meet your expectations of me. I know I should take better care of my appearance and my weight, but I don't like to look at myself in the mirror and I feel so guilty if I take time out to exercise or just to relax. I feel so different from everyone else. No one understands me, but I guess I'm to blame though because I'm always messing up and letting people down. I do a lot of repenting, but it doesn't seem to help much. You know, I don't have a clue about the "joy" of my salvation or the abundant life. I guess it's meant for other people, not for me.

Counseling the Codependent ~ 101 3. SELF-IMPORTANCE – (making self feel or appear more powerful than they really are in the face of a deep sense of powerlessness) – DESPERATE TO CONTROL.3 I'm skilled at making myself look good. Somehow if I do the right thing, and say the right thing in just the right way at the right time, everything will work out just the way I want. I can control any situation, manage any crises, and FIX anyone. I can rescue, cover up and deal with consequences and make things all right. My advice and knowledge is endless. You may think I domineering and controlling, but I am not. I can get people to do just what I want by giving helpful suggestions or by being sweet and congenial or even by acting helpless. You know, sometimes I feel really afraid that something awful is going to happen so I push myself harder. My job is to control my world since others can't be trusted to make the "right" decisions. I am good at caretaking and overseeing the actions of others so they won't make mistakes. I have a lot of insight into how others should live and it's my duty to step in so they avoid bad situations. Many of my friends and family members really depend on me. I guess it's obvious – I’m not the one with problems – THEY are. Besides, I'm a TRUE Christian. My good works prove it.

4. SELF-SUFFICIENCY – (refusal to be appropriately needy) – DESPERATE TO STAY SAFE. I can handle this situation quite well by myself, thank you. I won't tell you about my problems because you might think that my family or I are dysfunctional in some way, or not good Christians. I do not want to look bad, especially at church. You may think that I need counseling or a support group, but I can do this on my own. I don't need other people involved in my problems. Besides, things are getting better anyway and I don't need your opinions since you really don't understand how things are in my household, especially when there's a lot of pressure. Being loners is just the way we are. We like it that way. Some people think that I am a perfectionist but I'm not. You see, I can manage my world in such a way that no one can ever accuse me of anything. I am rarely wrong. I don't see why I should ever be obligated to anyone else. Why should I let myself depend on or need other people? Needing people is too risky; what if they get too close and see the real me? They'd probably let me down or reject me. No way! I do not ever plan to HAVE to have someone to love me or to have to ever apologize to someone else. I'm great at avoiding conflict. I know what's best and I have no blind spots. I work hard to control everything and I don't even like to imagine how awful it might be if things don't work out my way. You see, I should get ALL the credit when things go right. Even though I would not say this out loud, God will have to bless me because I am doing all the right things. I don't have to trust Him to intervene in situations that I can handle on my own.

Counseling the Codependent ~ 102 5. SELF-DECEPTION – (failure or refusal to face what IS TRUE OR REAL in a situation or relationship) – COMMITTED TO DENIAL. Many codependents are well educated, so we are not stupid; we are BLIND! We don't have a clue to what's going on and our denial system is deeply ingrained. We believe lies and lie to ourselves. We get confused and trust untrustworthy people, again! We learned the unwritten rules very well – DON'T TRUST, DON'T TALK, DON'T FEEL, BE PERFECT – so we are shut up in our own distorted perceptions and learned behaviors.... Sometimes things are just so crazy and painful that I go NUMB and I don't feel anything at all. I've learned to "go away somewhere" in my head, but you'll think I'm really here smiling and conversing with you. Isn't everyone like this? I'm great at putting on whatever front is needed. I'm into image management for YOUR benefit. Everyone does it. I don't really ignore problems or pretend things aren't so bad, but when the pressure is on, I might have an extra drink or lots of cheesecake or charge too much on my credit cards or get super busy. You know how it is.

Denial stems from an internal preoccupation with avoiding pain. It is like a flashlight that works in reverse, casting shadows rather than light. It throws darkness over selected parts of the world to make them less noticeable, enabling us to hide embarrassing parts of our personality from our own vision, even though these parts may be obvious to everyone else... Denial prevents us from seeing things that make us too uncomfortable.4

6. ANGER – One of the two universal sins of mankind; grieves the Holy Spirit; causes many physical illnesses; leads to rebellion; root cause = selfishness (pride). Anger arises when our rights or space are violated. Many disguises of anger: Bitterness/wrath; rage/murder; malice/hatred/racism;clamor/seditions;envy/jealousy;resentment/attack;intolerance/gossip/ slander; criticism/sarcasm; unforgiveness/revenge.5 We often express anger instead of our fear, hurt, guilt, or unmet needs.

Anger can become a large part of our lives. It can BECOME our lives. The alcoholic is mad, we're mad, the kids are mad... Everyone is mad, all the time. Nobody ever seems to blow off enough steam. Even if we aren't shouting, even if we're trying to pretend we're not angry, we're mad. We give looks and make little gestures that give us away. Hostility lurks just below the surface, waiting for a chance to come out in the open...and explode like a bomb, but nobody ever gets done with it. The alcoholic (or whomever) says, "How dare you get angry at me!" The codependent says, "After all I've done for you, I'll get angry anytime I please!" But silently the codependent thinks, "How dare I get so angry with this person?" and then feels guilty for their anger. Now anger AND guilt deal another blow to our self-worth and the problem still doesn't get resolved. It festers.6

Counseling the Codependent ~ 103 7. FEAR/OBSESSION – The other universal sin of mankind; first reaction of Adam and Eve to their disobedience to God; quenches the Holy Spirit; causes many physical illnesses; leads to idolatry (false comfort) and witchcraft (manipulation and control); root cause = selfishness (insecurity). Possible causes: Childhood experiences; traumatic experiences; negative thinking patterns; excessive anger produces fear of losing control; lack of faith; sinful behavior. Expressions of fear: anxiety/worry; doubts/inferiority, timidity/cowardice; indecision/suspicion; superstition/hesitancy; withdrawal/depression; loneliness/ haughtiness; social shyness/overaggression.7

Obsession is the result of fear. It is different from COMPULSION which is an irresistible impulse to act.8 Examples of COMPULSIVE ACTIONS: smoking; alcohol or drug use; overeating; nail-biting; busy-ness; impulse buying; viewing TV or pornography; housecleaning; dieting; raging and throwing tantrums; talking, etc.

OBSESSION, on the other hand, is persistent disturbing preoccupation with an idea of being or feeling.9 Examples of BEING OR FEELING: smart; strong; pretty; clean; laid back; right; safe; thin; religious; aloof; sexy; cool; in control, etc.

Obsessive/compulsive talking is NOT about communication; rather it is an exhausting attempt at relieving internal pressure.

OBSESSION with another human being, or a problem is an awful thing to be caught up in. Have you ever seen someone who is obsessed with someone or something? That person can talk about nothing else, can think of nothing else.... appears to be listening when you talk... (but)... doesn't hear you. His mind is tossing and turning, and crashing and banging around and around on an endless racetrack of compulsive thought. He is preoccupied. He relates whatever you say, to the object of his obsession. He says the same things, over and over... He is bursting with the jarring energy that obsession is made of. He has a problem or a concern that is not only bothering (worrying) him – it is controlling him... it's wasted energy. Worrying and obsessing keep us so tangled in our heads we can't solve our (own) problems. Whenever we become attached in these ways to someone or something, we become detached from ourselves.10

The next chapter will take these in-depth descriptions of feelings and distortions (condensed into ONE key word), and correlate that word with the temperament strengths and weaknesses.

• SELF-FORFEITURE • SELF-DECEPTION

• SELF-CONTEMPT • FEAR

• SELF-IMPORTANCE • ANGER

Counseling the Codependent ~ 104 • SELF-SUFFICIENCY

One of these traits will appear to the right of each lettered group of temperament qualities. If a specific characteristic within that group is best identified by a different trait, then that will also be shown. Example: MELANCHOLY WEAKNESSES

C. PESSIMISM FEAR

3. Difficult time forgiving… ANGER can be vengeful

SUMMARY WITH CHART

GIVEN THE UNIQUENESS OF EACH INDIVIDUAL'S LIFE AND STORY, THIS CANNOT BE AN ABSOLUTE CORRELATION OF "EXACT SCIENCE". RATHER, IT IS AN ATTEMPT TO HYPOTHESIZE AND DEMONSTRATE HOW TEMPERAMENT MAY INDEED INFLUENCE THE INTENSITY AND DIRECTION OF CODEPENDENT BEHAVIOR.

Please refer to the SUMMARY chart which follows. It compares the frequency of the likely and predictable codependent traits within each temperament. The three BOLD numbers in each temperament column highlight the three most frequently occurring codependent traits.

Anyone using the results of a Temperament Analysis Profile (TAP) must always remember that it reveals temperament, not actual behavior. It is the counselor's responsibility to determine if the client's actual behavior is conducive to their temperament.

The wider the gap between temperament and actual behavior, the greater the individual's anxiety levels. The accuracy of a TAP is subject to the client's honesty in response to the questions.

Environment and learned behavior may magnify or lessen the intensity of a person's temperament. Spiritual giftings also impact temperament. Since spiritual maturity enables a person to overcome temperament weaknesses, some clients will realize that certain weaknesses are no longer an issue for them.

Because pure temperaments are rare, the case studies all involve blends. Each case subject was chosen because of the dominance of the temperament type under discussion being exhibited in his or her blend. For contrast, the Conclusion sections use both gender references.

Counseling the Codependent ~ 105 The author has used her own story, written in third person, for the chapter on the Melancholy temperament.

The other four case studies are about special people who are actively involved in various stages of recovery from codependency. All have found the TAP to be positive, beneficial, and enlightening. Each one hopes that their story will shed light on the path of others who are ready to start the recovery journey which leads to the abundant life offered to all by our Lord Jesus Christ.

Counseling the Codependent ~ 106 SEVEN TRAITS AND TEMPERAMENTS

Codependent Melancholy Phlegmatic

Tendencies Supine Choleric Sanguine

Forfeiture 5 5 9 0 8 De-Selfing

Contempt 3 4 12 0 4 Worthlessness

Importance 8 2 2 12 4 Control

Sufficiency 7 10 1 7 1 Stay Safe

Deception 10 8 7 7 14 Denial

Anger 5 3 3 5 4 Rage

Fear 17 12 10 5 5 Obsession

TOTALS 55 44 44 36 40

Counseling the Codependent ~ 107 NOTES

1 C. W. Neal, YOUR THIRTY DAY JOURNEY TO POWER OVER CODEPENDENCY (Nashville, 1992), p. 13-16.

2 Nancy Groom, "Codependency", Conference for Christian Counselors, Titusville, FL, 1992, Cassette.

3 SELF-IMPORTANCE has been substituted for clarity for Groom's trait called SELF- AGGRANDIZEMENT.

4 Timmen L. Cermak, A TIME TO HEAL, quoted by Nancy Groom in BONDAGE TO BONDING (Colorado Springs, 1991), p. 68.

5 Tim LaHaye, SPIRIT-CONTROLLED TEMPERAMENT (Wheaton, 1966), p. 69-79.

6 Melody Beattie, CODEPENDENT NO MORE (San Francisco, 1987), p. 151-52.

7 LaHaye, p. 80-93.

8 "Compulsion," NEW WORLD DICTIONARY Second Edition

9 "Obsession," NEW WORLD DICTIONARY Second Edition

10 Beattie, p .58-59.

Chart graphics by Mark Hancock

Counseling the Codependent ~ 108 CHAPTER XII

THE MELANCHOLY TEMPERAMENT

CODEPENDENT TENDENCIES I. POTENTIAL STRENGTHS A. GIFTED – Genius prone/usually high I.Q. IMPORTANCE DECEPTION

B. ANALYTICAL IMPORTANCE 1. Hound for detail and facts DECEPTION 2. Analytical ability causes him to diagnose accurately 3. Love of the truth and dependability FORFEITURE 4. Will abide by rules DECEPTION 5. More oriented to tasks than people

C. SELF-SACRIFICING FORFEITURE 1. Prefers background to limelight 2. Will work around the clock to meet deadlines 3. Becomes involved in good causes FEAR/OBSESSION

D. SELF-DISCIPLINED SUFFICIENCY 1. Extremely self-disciplined 2. Usually knows own limitations 3. Usually won't waste words, verbally precise IMPORTANCE

E. FAITHFUL FRIEND FORFEITURE 1. Seldom extends to meet people, lets FEAR people come to him 2. Most dependable of all temperaments 3. Strong desire to be loved, but FEAR difficult to communicate feelings 4. Faithfulness comes naturally FORFEITURE

F. PERFECTIONISTIC IMPORTANCE 1. Strong perfectionistic tendencies SUFFICIENCY 2. Due to introspection often relives past events/decisions, thinking how he could FEAR/OBSESSION improve if given another opportunity

G. SENSITIVE – Most sensitive of all; Good intercessors FEAR

II. POTENTIAL WEAKNESSES A. MOODY DECEPTION 1. Tendency to be moody and depressed FEAR/ANGER 2. Moodiness often results from pattern CONTEMPT of self-centered thinking

Counseling the Codependent ~ 109 B. SELF-CENTERED SUFFICIENCY 1. Most naturally self-centered of all IMPORTANCE temperaments 2. Inclined to excessive mental self- DECEPTION examination FEAR/CONTEMPT 3. Prone to suspicion, feels people are FEAR/OBSESSION against him, possible persecution complex 4. Low self-esteem/fear of rejection FEAR/CONTEMPT 5. Can appear arrogant, aloof ANGER OR FEAR 6. Fear of appearing incompetent or FEAR/IMPORTANCE/ out of control SUFFICIENCY

C. PESSIMISTIC FEAR 1. Leads to indecision and fear of SUFFICIENCY making decisions due to fear of being wrong/not perfect 2. Severe fear of economic failure FEAR/OBSESSION 3. Difficult time forgiving past hurts DECEPTION/ and disappointments; tend to become FORFEITURE/ANGER bitter/focus on negative points of relationship; can be vengeful

D. CRITICAL – Most critical of all IMPORTANCE 1. Tends to be unyielding in expectations of others/cannot happily take less than their best 2. Criticism, if not spoken, then given SUFFICIENCY nonverbally ANGER 3. Tends to see the bad, not the good FEAR 4. Cholerics are hard to please/ Melancholies are impossible to satisfy DECEPTION

E. TOUCHY DECEPTION 1. "Thin-skinned", handle with kid gloves 2. Angry outbursts common, can ventilate ANGER by throwing objects or being physically abusive

F. UNSOCIABLE CONTEMPT 1. An introvert, although sometimes will DECEPTION appear to be an extrovert 2. Needs time to warm up to people FEAR 3. Usually comfortable w/small group of friends 4. Difficulty in being direct, FEAR communicating or expressing feelings

G. INDEPENDENT IMPORTANCE 1. Stubborn; self willed; strong minded SUFFICIENCY 2. Not motivated by punishment or reward 3. Too analytical about God, must yield DECEPTION will & find deep relationship FEAR

Counseling the Codependent ~ 110 CONCLUSION

The Melancholy Temperament is very susceptible to codependent behavior patterns. This pessimistic, self-sacrificing temperament is dominated by FEAR of all kinds and due to the strong intellectual component can become quite obsessive in their thought life, "...if only...next time...try harder...do better... what if I...".

SELF-DECEPTION is prominent due to the way that Melancholies learn and obey the unwritten rules SO WELL. Melancholies like "shoulds" and "oughts", because they provide parameters and guidelines which make this temperament feel safe... "I know what to do"... "I know what's right; therefore I'm right,” which equates to a sense of "being all right.”

Because Melancholies have a deep love of the truth, their codependent filters and distortions often substitute hearsay for truth, and make the statistics suit their own purposes.

Give a codependent Melancholy the facts, even if they are inaccurate, and they will adjust their behavior around the new information. For example, "A Christian wife must submit to her husband in all things no matter what AND live up to the model of womanhood in Proverbs 31.”

Therefore, it becomes sinful to complain or stumble under a workload of too much church work plus job; child rearing; home upkeep, including balancing the checkbook and paying the bills; an often absent spouse; entertaining; being a thin, attractive and romantic spouse; etc. This temperament gets deceived easily. "Be trusting" gets misinterpreted into, "Trust everybody all the time, no matter what, or else you are not really spiritual.”

The denial system is so logically reinforced with different data, which the Melancholy mind systematically cements into place, that overload is the only thing that will break through the walls. The Melancholy can ignore tremendous problems by creatively reinterpreting them and being RIGHT!

Image management is vital to SELF-DECEPTION for a Melancholy. They feel compelled to deny who they really are to others. They get creative at being who they think other people think they are. This is because they think they are supposed to be all things to all people, and be pleasing at all costs. The Melancholy's intense fear of rejection drives this pattern.

SELF-IMPORTANCE is natural for this mental temperament. Of course the Melancholy KNOWS what is best for other people. Caretaking and rescuing is a snap for this temperament who can see just what you need, and has the self-discipline, tenacity, and self-sacrificing tendency to STAY ON YOUR CASE UNTIL YOU ARE FIXED!

Counseling the Codependent ~ 111 And not because they especially like people, but because they MUST. They feel they HAVE TO or they will be a failure, because the rule says. "BE STRONG, BE GOOD, BE PERFECT.” The codependent Melancholy does not doubt that they know what is best for EVERYONE involved.

A Melancholy will be self-sacrificing because it is RIGHT to do so for a NOBLE CAUSE or a HIGHER PURPOSE. Even though the behavior may look like real servanthood, the Melancholy's motive is quite different from a codependent Supine whose self-sacrificing is about losing their identity by "de-selfing" and disappearing into the demands of others.

Spiritual Striving is a plague to codependent Melancholies due to their weaknesses of perfectionism; critical attitudes; fears of failure and rejection; pessimism; and mental tendencies. Doing better, working harder, and knowing more gets substituted for experiencing the Father's love and His sweet presence.

SELF-SUFFICIENCY is deadly to the already isolated and perfectionistic Melancholy. After all, the rules say BE STRONG, BE GOOD, BE PERFECT. And, DON'T BE SELFISH, which means to the proud Melancholy, "Don't ask for help when you need it because you ought to be able to handle ALL THIS on your own, ESPECIALLY IF YOU'RE A CHRISTIAN!!" Just get your facts and your confession straight, and "Don't let 'em see you sweat".

The Melancholy temperament is the most sensitive of all, easily bruised and wounded. If there is blend with Choleric in Control, or Sanguine in either Inclusion or Affection, a person may not express as Melancholy (introverted/loner). They may be very good at hiding how deeply hurt or disappointed they feel, even perhaps ignoring their pain due to the need to be spiritual or obey the rules.

Recovery must be focused on the truth, on good solid information which the Melancholy can use to realign their behavior. If it is not right to rescue and control, then the Melancholy will be motivated to stop rescuing and controlling.

Learning to communicate directly is a key for codependent Melancholies who are fearful of expressing their deep feelings due to fear of rejection.

Dealing with fears of all kinds will mean that the Melancholy must experience their feelings and find out that fear is really: F=fantasized

E=expectations

A=appearing

R=real

Counseling the Codependent ~ 112 They must conquer their fears in order to rise above their weaknesses. Rigidity will go when fear is faced.

Also pampering and nurturing is crucial for this self-sacrificing temperament. They need to feel God's good pleasure and tune into the joy of the Lord.

------

CASE STUDY: MELANCHOLY

PERSONAL BACKGROUND:

Female Age 45 Married 22 years; two children Employment: teacher

FAMILY OF ORIGIN:

Second of two children FATHER: older; hard working, devoted family man; an active alcoholic, womanizer with financial problems. MOTHER: her own mother was unkind, critical, "always upset and angry"; therefore HER home was going to be nice and pleasant at all costs; very much in denial about issues affecting her own children; registered nurse; very codependent.

REASON FOR SEEKING COUNSEL:

1. Ongoing recovery issues 2. Self-knowledge

OVERVIEW:

Home life growing up was very stable and predictable. Parents never fought openly or even expressed disagreement in front of children. Everything always NICE. Mother heavily invested in everyone saying they were happy, no matter what.

Brother only 13 months older, very competitive, very sensitive and moody. Sibling rivalry was intense with much acting out in name calling and even fist fights. Client good at manipulating parents into blaming brother, since she was "the baby" and a girl. Hostility and disagreement with her brother continued until middle adulthood.

Counseling the Codependent ~ 113 Client made good grades and learned to be congenial and pleasing with adults, usually received encouragement and approval. Strong pressure to BE STRONG, BE GOOD, BE PERFECT, along with BE NICE AND BE HAPPY, so mother/father would be happy, and also be successful parents.

Client began lying and manipulating early to get out of the house and party with friends. High school was about looking good to adults while drinking and being a risk taker with peers, but of course, only with cool people. Not sexually active in high school.

She was a tomboy and "Daddy's Girl". Father and daughter got along well. He taught her to shoot a gun, drive a truck, and not be "scared and nervous" like her mother. When client was 16, her father became very ill and almost died. He never recovered his strength.

The fear and pain of that event were devastating to the client. While looking sweet and nice, she became more cavalier in her risk-taking behavior; decided not to need anyone to be close to; and began to "nicely" ignore her father more and more.

Growing up the client expertly learned her mother's codependent ways of rescuing, caretaking, and trying to control everyone's "happiness". She began a pattern of having close "friendships" with needy, depressed, rebellious and hurting people. Her role was to be the "happy encourager;” to BE GOOD, BE STRONG, BE PERFECT and help them at all costs, since she had no problems of her own and came from a "good home". Of course she knew the other rules well, DON'T TALK, DON'T TRUST, DON'T FEEL.

By the time she went to college, her parents were sure she was perfect in every way. Being away from home she could finally be openly rebellious and was involved with all the vices of the Sixties: drugs, sex, and rock 'n' roll. Not having to be nice anymore, she was involved in all the political/social issues. She was idealistic, intense, and self-destructive to the max.

After the Pollyanna distortion of her childhood home, her sensitivity and hunger for reality drove her into the pain and pathos of the era: war; social injustice; friends AWOL or in jail for drugs; friends dying in war or from drug overdoses; adults and youth turning on one another, etc. Codependency seemed quite "normal".

Over time she sought God to find "ultimate reality", and to get some relief. She became "very spiritual" and religious in several belief systems as she explored different religions, mystical traditions and the occult.

Adulthood and years of family responsibility brought a "cleaned up act" and exterior image. Being overly responsible for everyone and every situation kept her busy as her home, career, and

Counseling the Codependent ~ 114 church obligations increased steadily. Intense anxiety and anger were constant causes of guilt as she would rage at her children from the pressure.

The client realized she was not coping well. She was stressed to the limit by her workaholism; her inability to control her husband's drinking problem; the rigors of keeping up a perfectly spiritual and "together" image; and her need to rescue a perpetual stream of "hurting" people. Then, a friend gave her a book on Codependency...she finally had a name for her pain.

COUNSEL:

TEMPERAMENT ANALYSIS PROFILE:

INCLUSION: Melancholy CONTROL: Choleric AFFECTION: Melancholy

This client's codependency fit into two categories: OBEDIENCE TO A FALSE SYSTEM OF RULES and A MODE FOR SPIRITUAL STRIVING. The client learned her codependent behaviors from her mother who was an ACOA (adult child of an alcoholic).

Being predominately Melancholy, she responded to the information in the self-help book, literally absorbing the information and reorienting her list of “shoulds" around healthy patterns.

Knowing what was appropriate and acceptable in relationships helped her to learn new ways of relating: to herself, her family, and to God. She sought recovery through books, Al-Anon, and other small groups, along with pastoral support. Even though they were basically unaware of the concept of codependency, her church family was caring. Her small home group accepted and nurtured her while she "fell apart" and "cried for months".

She had been through the TEN STAGES OF RECOVERY and GOD'S HEALING PROCESS (CHAPTERS VI and VII) when she took the TAP. She always wanted more self-knowledge.

Learning about her true temperament had a powerful impact. She gave herself permission to have more alone time without guilt; and to dismiss social expectations she had always placed on herself. She readily accepted that she is not an outgoing "people person", even though she knows how to present that way. Another layer of performance expectations fell away as she came "back to herself."

From other past reading she had been labeled a SANGUINE CHOLERIC by herself and others. So she thought she was insensitive, superficial, and aggressive. The TAP let her know she

Counseling the Codependent ~ 115 must recognize the pain and sensitivity she was so good at ignoring. This happened because of her old thinking that she "should have no problems, being a happy person raised in a happy home,” and also the notion that REALLY "good Christians" do not have problems.

Based on her Inclusion scores she has chosen a teaching position which requires much preparation and study which she finds very satisfying. Learning to communicate directly has been necessary to counter the Melancholy weakness in this area.

Knowing that Melancholies in Affection have a difficult time forgiving and letting go of past hurts has helped her to have grace in this area. Knowing about her husband's temperament needs and her own has brought much healing, since Melancholies have a need to understand WHY.

The Spiritual Striving had already been dealt with in recovery. But the TAP helped to deepen her trust in God as she feels more settled and sure that He has done a good work in her. Above all it dispelled all the old mistaken identity she felt obligated to maintain. Every level of relationship has improved for her. She speaks of her deeper fulfillment with life as she legitimately owns and meets her needs in more satisfying and godly ways.

Counseling the Codependent ~ 116 CHAPTER XIII

THE PHLEGMATIC TEMPERAMENT

CODEPENDENT I. POTENTIAL STRENGTHS TENDENCIES

A. CALM AND QUIET FORFEITURE 1. Happy yet unexciting 2. Not easily agitated regardless of circumstances, won't make waves 3. Usually avoids violence FEAR 4. Motto: Peace at all cost!! SUFFICIENCY

B. EASY GOING IMPORTANCE 1. Good listener, easy-going nature, Choleric and Sanguines too impatient 2. Seldom angry, high boiling point 3. Most likable, easy going 4. Most well rounded, task or people oriented 5. Equally motivated by reward and punishment

C. DEPENDABLE 1. Consistent 2. Faithful friend like Melancholy, but SUFFICIENCY does not get too involved 3. Very capable beneath laid-back personality SUFFICIENCY

D. OBJECTIVE SUFFICIENCY 1. Usually kindhearted and sympathetic, but seldom conveys his true feelings DECEPTION 2. Natural peacemaker FORFEITURE 3. Life unexciting but pleasant experience while avoiding too much involvement 4. Can tolerate unaffectionate people FORFEITURE

E. DIPLOMATIC FORFEITURE 1. Born diplomat 2. Avoids confrontation by negotiating DECEPTION 3. Won't "rock the boat" FEAR 4. Can handle Cholerics and hostile people CONTEMPT

F. HUMOROUS – Enjoys a good joke; capable wit

G. EFFICIENT, ORGANIZED AND PRACTICAL IMPORTANCE 1. Not prone to making sudden decisions; tendency to find practical solutions 2. Can do best work under pressure 3. Can do routine, tedious, detailed tasks better than other temperaments 4. Not a perfectionist, but has high SUFFICIENCY standards of accuracy and precision

Counseling the Codependent ~ 117 5. Reliable, outstanding church worker

II. POTENTIAL WEAKNESSES

A. UNMOTIVATED, SLOW AND LAZY CONTEMPT 1. Often appears to be dragging his feet; slow paced and lazy 2. Resists Sanguine restlessness; Choleric activity; FEAR Melancholy intensity to avoid being motivated 3. Does only what's expected of him CONTEMPT 4. Rarely instigates an activity 5. Low energy level

B. PROCRASTINATOR – More than other temperament FEAR

C. SELFISH SUFFICIENCY 1. Does not like change of any kind DECEPTION 2. Does not get involved SUFFICIENCY 3. Observes and criticizes others who SUFFICIENCY/FEAR are involved "in the action" 4. Can become very self-righteous DECEPTION 5. More selfish than other temperaments; DECEPTION usually so gracious few people notice 6. Withholds affection in close personal relationships FEAR/ANGER 7. May observe God & stay uninvolved DECEPTION

D. STINGY FEAR 1. Tighter with money than all others 2. Hoarder by nature, won't spend even SUFFICIENCY for conveniences

E. STUBBORN ANGER 1. Most stubborn of all; type of passive rebellion which says, "Make me!" 2. Administratively avoids confrontation; DECEPTION does his "own thing" anyway

F. SELF-PROTECTIVE DECEPTION 1. Not as sensitive as the Melancholy, FORFEITURE but "thin-skinned" 2. Learns early to build a hard shell FEAR to shield him from griefs/affronts 3. Uses dry humor passive-aggressively, ANGER/FEAR and as defense mechanism

G. INDECISIVE – From procrastination; need to FEAR/CONTEMPT stay uninvolved; and low energy level

H. FEARFUL FEAR 1. Stays uninvolved to avoid SUFFICIENCY decisions and confrontation 2. Fears the unknown FEAR

Counseling the Codependent ~ 118 CONCLUSION

The Phlegmatic temperament presents few extremes but is still able to relate codependently. The predominant tendency is toward FEAR which leads to SELF-FORFEITURE (de-selfing) in order to keep the peace. A Phlegmatic will tolerate outrageous behavior in others without any thought of confrontation. They excuse all kinds of behavior and move into SELF-IMPORTANCE, feeling very self-righteous and "tolerant and understanding" of others' problems when in fact they are intimidated and unable to act to protect themselves, their own children or other family members.

Their tendency to critique and criticize others as an outside observer increases their own sense of SELF-SUFFICIENCY and being in control and above it all.

A Phlegmatic family member, with their intense need to avoid change, placate and keep the peace, can be the key player in keeping a dysfunctional family system intact because of their practical dependability. Their own reliability makes them an easy victim of the manipulations of chemically addicted, needy or controlling persons.

The Phlegmatic can put their head down "like a mule" and endure abuse, lies, and situations which would elicit intense pain or explosive reactions in the other temperaments. To protect their low energy level they will keep the peace, get by, keep the household running and have no energy left for confrontation; the reality of serious problem solving; risk taking; and probable change.

SELF-SUFFICIENCY plays right in with the Phlegmatic's tendency to be uninvolved, objective, aloof, and selfish. He thinks he can "fix" others while standing outside of their unfortunate situation, not even realizing his own pain and isolation. The other person's problem or crisIs can give him a vicarious sense of passion or intensity, which the codependent Phlegmatic needs in order to feel alive and not so "shut down.”

Since the Phlegmatic seems so together and practical, SELF-DECEPTION is easy; after all, his problems are minor, his abilities supportive, and his easygoing ways a relief. His stubborn nature makes his denial impenetrable. He will often self-medicate with alcohol/drugs or food, but of course, is not given to excess. He will abide by the unwritten rules without rebelling. Within the family system, he will most likely play the Lost Child, the Hero, the Little Parent, or the Surrogate Spouse.

Temperament therapy is useful for this client to gain understanding of his/her own needs. Codependent clients will be motivated to change when they realize that their own personal involvement, dependability and caretaking behaviors are the very reason they have so little "peace and quiet" or energy.

Counseling the Codependent ~ 119 CASE STUDY: PHLEGMATIC

PERSONAL BACKGROUND: Male Age 48 Married 22 years; 2 children Employment: Business executive

FAMILY OF ORIGIN: Second of seven children; professional parents ACTIVE ALCOHOLISM: maternal grandfather; paternal uncle; father; three siblings SUICIDE: maternal grandmother; maternal aunt and cousin MANIC DEPRESSIVE SYNDROME: mother; possibly one sibling OBESITY: two siblings FATHER: rageaholic; functional alcoholic; overbearing, critical and belittling to children; withheld approval and affection; dynamic personality with many accomplishments. MOTHER: manic depressive syndrome; raised in alcoholic home with rageaholic father; deaf mother committed suicide; very creative, intelligent, and capable; codependent and very manipulative with helplessness and Southern charm; overwhelmed by too many children.

REASON FOR SEEKING COUNSEL: 1. Suggested by pastor 2. Marriage/family problems 3. Problem drinking 4. Codependency issues OVERVIEW: For thirteen years this man was the chief executive officer of a large, successful business started by his father. He presided over many family business matters and was very involved at a high level in civic affairs. An economic downturn precipitated a crises among family shareholders which resulted in his losing his position.

In addition to heading the family business, this man had worked diligently trying to get one alcoholic sibling into treatment. His job description involved arbitrating many family disputes and solving all financial fiascoes created by any of his siblings. He had no authority over these siblings but had the responsibility for their failed activities.

Counseling the Codependent ~ 120 He considered his own regular drinking social, unlike the excess of other family members. He had begun drinking at age 15 years and had smoked marijuana for years as well.

His wife did not come from an alcoholic home, but was attending Al-Anon for her own codependency issues. She had badgered him for years to quit drinking and felt that he had abandoned her and their two children while he concentrated on his "father's family.”

Further family of origin work disclosed a dysfunctional family system in which the client had traditionally filled the role of Surrogate Parent to his mother due to his father's drinking and emotional abuse of family members. His Phlegmatic temperament set him up as the consummate PEACEMAKER and arbiter of the perpetual discord. In time this led to his being the family HERO and chief RESCUER of his family with the inevitable persecution to be expected. (CHAPTER V and VI)

Though he sought relief and escape in alcohol since a teenager, he was always reliable. He earned a mathematics degree and was very diligent with business matters.

His obsession with rescuing and fixing his family of origin ended with the ultimate persecution – they rejected him and sought to destroy him financially.

Therefore his recovery did not have to focus on detaching from the object of his obsession, but could focus on his healing and meeting his own emotional needs.

His process followed the process outlined in the Minirth-Meier TEN STAGES OF RECOVERY: Dealing with his lost childhood; the tragic issues of adult children of alcoholics; saying the goodbyes appropriate to healing; grieving his many losses (CHAPTERS V and VI).

The bitterness of unforgiveness was a real danger after a lifetime of being used, manipulated and then rejected as the fallen "Hero.” He was part of a very supportive Christian home group at the time who loved him through the crises stage. He grew spiritually as he turned to God to help him in facing the painful realities that were thrust upon him.

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Counseling the Codependent ~ 121 COUNSEL:

TEMPERAMENT ANALYSIS PROFILE:

INCLUSION: Phlegmatic Melancholy CONTROL: Melancholy Phlegmatic AFFECTION: Supine Phlegmatic

This client is an excellent example of codependency as a LEGACY FOR ADULT CHILDREN OF ALCOHOLICS. It is apparent that it was a generational pattern in his family as well.

The knowledge gained from the TAP helped this client in the process of learning self- acceptance and SELF-CARE. It satisfied him intellectually to understand that his temperament had a real NEED for peace and for physical rest in order to recharge. He had been exhausted and anxious for years without realizing it and the TAP helped to "give him permission" to rest.

Because of his Inclusion scores he was relieved to chart a new career path that did not require him to deal with lots of people and activity. He eventually created a position requiring detailed accuracy and complex financial packaging which satisfied his need for intellectual challenge working within established systems.

In Control he is independent and does not desire control over the lives and behaviors of others. After years of the stress of over-responsibility for others, he is learning to focus on his own issues of procrastination, insecurity, and indecision.

When anxiety arises around decision making he has learned to assess the situation realistically (assess the REAL consequences); to encourage himself with memories of past successes; to refrain from blaming others for his internal stress; and to give himself "space" without getting down on himself or escaping through alcohol or overeating.

In the area of affection he has finally "come home". He has found new ways of expressing himself in loving ways to his wife and children, often by doing tasks such as preparing meals. Having felt the safety of God's provision and care, he has become more trusting and open in His relationship with his Heavenly Father.

A men’s Christian codependency support group has furthered his recovery by giving him a safe place for self-disclosure and intimacy. Hearing the stories of others has helped him get outside of himself. The group interaction has helped him to build his temperament strengths and to deal with his weaknesses without shame or pretense.

Counseling the Codependent ~ 122 CHAPTER XIV

THE SUPINE TEMPERAMENT

CODEPENDENT TENDENCIES I. POTENTIAL STRENGTHS A. RELATIONSHIP ORIENTED 1. Likes to socialize but must be invited CONTEMPT 2. Will not initiate relationships CONTEMPT but deeply wants to 3. High need to be recognized FORFEITURE 4. High need for love & affection 5. Will be good friend if treated right

B. GENTLE SPIRIT 1. Most kind and gentle of all temperaments 2. Naturally has much “Fruit of the Spirit”

C. SERVANT 1. Accommodates others at own expense FORFEITURE 2. Usually overextends self FORFEITURE/ CONTEMPT D. DILIGENT 1. Will be diligent to receive recognition FORFEITURE 2. Will be task oriented to build deep relationships FORFEITURE/ CONTEMPT II. POTENTIAL WEAKNESSES A. WITHDRAWN AND DOWNBEAT 1. Appears as introvert, but actually FORFEITURE/ an extrovert CONTEMPT 2. Has many interests/concerns but won't CONTEMPT express them FEAR 3. Characterized by low expressed behavior DECEPTION/ and high wanted/responsive behavior FEAR 4. Doesn't know how to get needs met DECEPTION 5. Usually low self -esteem CONTEMPT 6. Very insecure CONTEMPT 7. Does not express himself or stand up FORFEITURE/ for rights; will "de-self" CONTEMPT 8. Easily taken advantage of by more FORFEITURE/ aggressive/dominant temperaments FEAR

B. ISOLATED 1. Often alone because non-assertive FEAR 2. Expects others to "read his mind" or DECEPTION guess his need to be included 3. Must learn to share burdens with God; SUFFICIENCY receive love and recognition from Him CONTEMPT

Counseling the Codependent ~ 123 C. DEPENDENT FORFEITURE 1. Has difficulty making decisions and CONTEMPT taking responsibilities independently 2. Weak-willed FEAR 3. Wants others to take care of him and CONTEMPT/ tell him what to do FEAR 4. Lives vicariously through others DECEPTION

D. ANXIETY – If he does not receive the ANGER desired response or recognition, will FEAR/ begin to indulge bitterness/resentment OBSESSION leading to severe anxiety

E. ANGER – Can manifest cold calculating anger ANGER which can explode after so much abuse

F. DEPRESSION ANGER 1. Very sensitive to rejection FEAR 2. Difficulty distinguishing between what DECEPTION is real and what is imagined 3. Often suffers from Neurotic Depression 4. Very unstable temperament DECEPTION

G. MANIPULATIVE IMPORTANCE 1. Uses a lot of indirect behavior FEAR/DECEPTION 2. Will check out all counseling advice FEAR with someone else before following it, will tend to do what that person suggests if there's disagreement 3. Will be a caretaker to get control IMPORTANCE

Counseling the Codependent ~ 124 CONCLUSION

After hearing a brief description of the Supine Temperament, one therapist responded, "You've just described a codependent!" Well... yes... and no.

Yes, in that a Supine is easily dominated by the more forceful temperaments; easily becomes dependent on others; and is given to caretaking. And no, because many Supines are not codependent.

Often a codependent does not know what they want. They have "de-selfed" and are not in touch with their own needs. A Supine on the other hand KNOWS what they want, but they do not have the self-confidence to make a choice and accept the outcome. In stark contrast to forceful Cholerics, Supines are usually unwilling to make something happen.

For instance, a Supine goes to buy a car and really wants the blue one. But if a "strong" friend, who the Supine asked to come along to help her, suggests the white one, the Supine will buy the white. Why? She does not want the responsibility for making a mistake or being wrong. The result is, she will be mad about having a white car and secretly blame the friend for preventing her from getting what she really wanted. She will internalize her anger, not knowing it is anger, and feel hurt or let down or betrayed. All of this happens at an unconscious level.

The Supine expected her friend to "read her mind" and to know what she "really wanted," but her lack of communication skills and her true lack of self-worth kept her from expressing her needs.

Supines will use helplessness to manipulate others to take care of them so they will not be wrong. They dread consequences and responsibility and therefore look for someone stronger to take charge of them. When codependency kicks in, a Supine will manipulate others out of self-forfeiture or self-contempt (worthlessness), not from self-importance for the sake of a false sense of power.

For the Supine the fear of being wrong is based on their deep fear of rejection which plagues this temperament. Fear of rejection keeps them from setting appropriate boundaries in relationships and saying “No” can terrify them. A Supine can think of so many reasons why they must overextend themselves and overdo and overwork for others. But the real reason is always fear of rejection lest they offend someone else by meeting their own needs for quiet, rest, honesty, etc. Overcoming this fear will bring the Supine liberty and joy unimaginable!

The Supine's tender conscience makes them very prone to guilty feelings, and to false guilt. Since they are so aware of guilt, they often use guilt to manipulate others to get their needs met. This can be deadly in codependent relationships. A Supine, who is an abuse victim, may think that she actually deserved to be beaten or molested.

Counseling the Codependent ~ 125 Most of the Supine codependent traits are based on FEAR, SELF-FORFEITURE, and SELF- CONTEMPT. But when the "doormat has it,” look out! Vengeance and rage dominate and others will be caught off guard for they had no idea the accommodating Supine was reaching a boiling point.

The ANGER of a supine is not often expressed openly in blow-ups and therefore Supines will deny having a problem with anger. Recovery requires that they learn to identify their feelings.

The problem is real because they internalize anger as "hurt feelings." The supine requires recognition and inclusion; it is a real need. Meeting this need is often the motivation for their good deeds. When the recognition is not given, the supine will think, "I don't deserve to be treated this way... ignored or left out, etc." Anger will come, which they internalize and do not express. This anger they call "hurt" and they will bottle it up until an explosion comes or they cross over a line and react and end a relationship, job, church affiliation, etc.

But they are ultimately responsible because fear/worthlessness and SELF-DECEPTION kept them from communicating their needs in the beginning. They truly thought that others should be able to read their minds and see that they wanted to be included, recognized, cared about, etc.

Supines are mental like Melancholies and they are their own worst enemies due to negative thinking. They are susceptible to depression (internalized anger) and mood swings due to negative thinking, fatigue, illness, uncertainty and stress.

Their cycle may follow this pattern: indirect behavior... disappointment... remembering the torment of other losses... unforgiveness... bitterness... sinful or vengeful behavior.

This temperament has a built-in conflict which must be dealt with. They present and express as a Melancholy; they look like aloof loners. But internally they are like Sanguines, social and people oriented. So they must learn to deal with their fear of rejection which causes fears about communicating, initiating relationships, and simply appearing "friendly" and approachable.

A good example would be a Supine working as a telephone receptionist. They would be warm and friendly to those who called in, but would freeze up over having to initiate and make outgoing calls.

A positive aspect of the Supine temperament is that they can and do trust. They know genuineness when they see it. They are very honest, open, and sincere with those they establish a relationship with. They expect this from others and want to be dealt with accordingly.

This temperament has an exceptional capacity for gentleness, understanding, and has a deeply spiritual orientation. But Supines can lose it all if they do not take their weaknesses seriously and receive help from God to conquer their fears. Temperament therapy is very useful in helping the

Counseling the Codependent ~ 126 Supine client identify and meet their temperament needs and experience the abundant life, naturally and spiritually.1

The self-care and recovery section in Chapter X is practically tailor-made to help the Supine client. The suggestions offered there will be useful at any time for the Supine client because their temperament weaknesses make them very vulnerable to codependent behavior.

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NOTES

1 Phyllis Arno, Phd. Telephone Interview, 19 July 1994. The author is very appreciative for the input and specific examples which helped to clarify the special inner conflicts of this temperament.

Counseling the Codependent ~ 127 CASE STUDY: SUPINE

PERSONAL BACKGROUND:

Female Age 43 Single, never married Employment: Registered nurse

FAMILY OF ORIGIN:

Sixth of six children Parents had old South background; completed only elementary school Three daughters in family completed high school Three sons in family completed eighth grade Client only family member to continue education ACTIVE ALCOHOLISM: two maternal aunts, several cousins ACTIVE DRUG ADDICTION: one brother FATHER: workaholic; master carpenter; often physically absent; emotionally aloof but not unkind MOTHER: rageaholic; frequently depressed; routinely medicated with erratic mood swings

REASON FOR SEEKING COUNSEL:

1. Guilt ridden after moving out from mother's house and within one month the mother had a stroke 2. Codependency issues

OVERVIEW:

Basically this client got along with her siblings who perceived her as "spoiled". As the youngest child she remembers being a caretaker and a peacemaker when her mother would verbally attack different siblings. Strong memory of coming home from school, hoping her mother would be asleep on the couch and being fearful of waking her.

This client was the focus of her mother's constant criticism. Always felt her disapproval, especially of her boyfriends during high school; mother accused her of being a whore and then denied it. The mother also dabbled in the occult, kept a crystal ball.

Counseling the Codependent ~ 128 Regarding schoolwork, the mother's constant criticism often caused her to fail tests and do poorly. Due to her own lack of education the mother often mocked the client when she tried to excel with cutting remarks like, "You think you're better than the rest of us.”

The client was the only family member to go beyond high school and earn a professional degree in nursing. Her brothers who dropped out of school in the eighth grade were often in trouble with the police.

The client is aware that her mother used guilt to motivate her. She often felt rebellious but as a child could not express any disagreement with her mother. The mother was always mocking and belittling and perhaps jealous over the father's kindness and ways of "spoiling" the baby of the family.

The client knew that she had to be careful, to only act in certain ways, in order to be safe. Yet she often felt guilty when she was away from her mother.

In her nursing career she has had several very critical and domineering head nurses and supervisors and could see a pattern. She also found herself in the role of rescuer and caretaker in several relationships with other Christian women who were also domineering or mildly abusive. Her tendency was to "clam up and take it" rather than confront it or leave the relationship.

After participating in a church-sponsored codependency support group, the client gained insight into the unhealthy relationship with her mother.

For various reasons she had lived with her mother most of her adult years when she was in her hometown. In her advancing years the mother became more and more critical and controlling. Finally one statement convinced her it was time to move out; "As long as you live with me I will control everything you do.” This included not being able to talk while the TV was on.

Within two weeks of the client moving out, the mother became ill. Two weeks after that, she had a stroke. After a stay in a nursing home she is back home with care being provided by other sisters and paid sitters. There is pressure for the client, a nurse, to move back in. Her guilt issues caused her to seek counsel.

Counseling the Codependent ~ 129 COUNSEL:

TEMPERAMENT ANALYSIS PROFILE: INCLUSION: Melancholy Phlegmatic CONTROL: Supine AFFECTION: Phlegmatic Sanguine

She has seen that her codependent tendencies were definitely a MEANS OF SURVIVAL and OBEDIENCE TO A FALSE SYSTEM OF RULES in a hostile home environment. Her patterns of self- contempt and self-forfeiture played into her mother's manipulations and her denial was reinforced by ways she misinterpreted as Christian service.

An understanding of her own temperament helped her to see and accept her own weaknesses. She felt a lot of release from realizing that her old familiar feeling of never measuring up was common to Supines. She learned that feeling inferior was not an accurate assessment of herself but a temperament weakness. She now has the knowledge to counter the thought that others are "better than she is.” She can see how the attacks from her mother played right into her own temperament tendency to put herself down.

Her TAP also helped her to deal with how much responsibility to take on, professionally and personally. She is accepting her limitations and learning to say “No” and stick to it. She has also gained permission to REST AND REGENERATE without feeling so guilty for not doing more work. She has a strong spiritual walk with the Lord and gains much refreshment and strengthening from taking more guilt-free time to be alone.

In the last six months she has ended three unhealthy relationships and is considering ending another. She has seen her pattern of rescuing, and also attracting needy yet domineering people who verbally criticize her.

Having a new roommate situation has given her a chance to learn how to express herself and not assume the other person can read her mind. This has also given her opportunities to check her motives for why she's doing work – for man's recognition or for her own satisfaction or to please God.

As a strong intercessor she has seen how her history of being dominated and mocked has kept her fearful and trapped. But having the courage to step out of the destructive relationship with her family of origin has freed her to move out in new areas. She feels set free and delivered and less dominated by fears so typical of Supines.

Counseling the Codependent ~ 130 She feels her anger has decreased because she is learning how to express it as she works out new relationships. With her mother she always felt she had to stuff it down.

She is continuing to learn more about the subtle and destructive patterns of her codependency and to overcome these through self-care and self-acceptance. Nurturing and supportive Christian relationships have been a key to her going through the most stressful part of the recovery process of detaching from her mother, and then refocusing on recovering her mental health and spiritual callings.

Because she is Supine in the area of control, she has learned that her gentle spirit makes her susceptible to ungodly domination by others. This has led her to be cautious about the types of groups she joins and the employers she chooses.

Also she has given herself permission to seek counsel from godly leaders who will encourage her in areas of self-care and who can support her in making wise decisions.

Counseling the Codependent ~ 131 CHAPTER XV

THE CHOLERIC TEMPERAMENT

CODEPENDENT TENDENCIES I. POTENTIAL STRENGTHS

A. STRONG WILLED IMPORTANCE 1. Very determined 2. Not moved by opinions of others

B. INDEPENDENT SUFFICIENCY 1. Others' disagreement will not prevent him from acting 2. Others' opinions of his project matters little

C. VISIONARY IMPORTANCE 1. Adventuresome, will leave security for unknown challenge 2. Pioneering spirit 3. Appraises a situation without seeing DECEPTION pitfalls or problems, only the end goal 4. Does not need stimulation from SUFFICIENCY environment 5. Stimulates his environment with ideas, IMPORTANCE ambitions, and plans

D. PRACTICAL IMPORTANCE 1. Happiest doing worthwhile project 2. Keen eye for organization, but detail work distressing

E. PRODUCTIVE IMPORTANCE 1. Workaholic tendencies FEAR 2. Most productive of all temperaments 3. Thrives on activity 4. Singleness of purpose brings results SUFFICIENCY

F. DECISIVE IMPORTANCE 1. Able to quickly appraise a situation & diagnose the most practical solution 2. Decisions more intuition than analysis DECEPTION 3. Good judge of people

Counseling the Codependent ~ 132 G. LEADER IMPORTANCE 1. Strong leadership tendencies 2. Forcefulness needed to ANGER dominate a group 3. Self disciplined

II. POTENTIAL WEAKNESSES

A. COLD AND UNEMOTIONAL SUFFICIENCY 1. Most unaffectionate of all temperaments FEAR 2. Emotional rigidity; seldom shows tears DECEPTION 3. Often insensitive to others' needs ANGER/ and feelings FEAR

B. SELF-SUFFICENT AND INDEPENDENT IMPORTANCE/ SUFFICIENCY/ DECEPTION/ FEAR

C. IMPETUOUS IMPORTANCE 1. Tendency to start projects and then DECEPTION regret it later 2. Difficult to apologize to others SUFFICIENCY/ FEAR

D. DOMINEERING IMPORTANCE 1. Will seek out and use weaker people DECEPTION 2. Will caretake and control

E. UNFORGIVING ANGER 1. Can carry a grudge forever 2. Revengeful

F. SARCASTIC – Can be very blunt & cruel IMPORTANCE/ ANGER/ DECEPTION

G. ANGRY ANGER 1. Extremely hostile person IMPORTANCE 2. Can cause pain to others & enjoy it SUFFICIENCY

Counseling the Codependent ~ 133 CONCLUSION

It is not unusual for someone who understands temperament to wonder if Cholerics are ever codependent given their apparent LACK of SELF-CONTEMPT and SELF-FORFEITURE in most instances.

Unquestionably Cholerics can learn to act codependently. They most certainly become obsessed with other people's problems, and they do internalize dysfunctional family rules as children.

The Choleric temperament is dynamic, creative, capable, and independent so their codependent tendencies are concentrated in SELF-IMPORTANCE, SELF-SUFFICIENCY, and SELF-DECEPTION. They literally TAKE OVER other people in order to fix them; they will control, criticize, abuse, intimidate, and then feel you somehow owe them a debt of thanks for all their "concern" and help.

The fiery Choleric is explosive with ANGER and can level anyone but a rock-solid Phlegmatic. The frustration and need to fix/control, which accompany codependency, can move the Choleric to real cruelty.

Because of the Choleric ability to charm and win people, they can easily gain control over the less dominant temperaments, Sanguines and Supines. They can "tell and sell" to stay ahead of Melancholies and Phlegmatics, even if they cannot dominate them. This is deadly for Cholerics because it cuts them off from real relationships by their drive to be superior. They begin to believe their own "promotional ad campaigns;” the SELF-DECEPTION and denial of a Choleric is ironclad.

Once the Choleric has gained control, he will usually turn critical and persecuting to get the "victim" fixed and following "orders.” The Choleric is less irritated when he is in control. He is heavily invested in being right and will make you admit that he is right, through degrading, debate or argument. His energy is boundless so he often wins by default when the less dominant temperament gives up from sheer exhaustion.

While FEAR is not typical of Cholerics, it is common with codependency. The fear of the Supine is security based. It is about rejection or abandonment or being guilty or even seeming to be wrong. Not so with the Choleric. Their fear is pride based. It is about 1) the fear of failure for they must succeed at all costs; 2) the fear of losing face because they perceive themselves as infallible; and 3) the fear of losing control which gives them an illusion of power.

A pure Choleric will never seek counseling. But a Choleric in one or two areas may come looking for ways to deal with a difficult situation or to gain leverage over the "victim" he is helping. In

Counseling the Codependent ~ 134 such a case you will have to be direct and give him information about codependency, such as the two "tip-offs". Be brief; get to the bottom line.

If he buys that, then he may see that changing his actions will get him what he wants: someone quits drinking; less hassle for himself; a relief from raging; true respect from others; less fear of failure; feeling closer to God, etc.

Counseling the Codependent ~ 135 CASE STUDY: CHOLERIC

PERSONAL BACKGROUND:

Male Age 28 Married 2 years Employment: Managerial

FAMILY OF ORIGIN:

Second of two children FATHER: stable provider, working long hours; regular five o'clock drinker, self- medicating; more intimate with alcohol than with the family; well defended and emotionally aloof; unaffectionate toward wife or toward children; very performance oriented toward children, approval given for accomplishments; he was abandoned by his own father at age 5 after which he and his mother dealt with poverty, lived with various relatives. MOTHER: the main caregiver, set tone in house in father's absence. Her own mother very unkind and controlling, often scapegoating her daughter.

REASON FOR SEEKING COUNSEL:

1. Read LOVE IS A CHOICE by Minirth and Meier on codependency, identified with issues 2. Wanted to explore his own patterns and stop spiritualizing his circumstances

OVERVIEW:

Earliest memories include experiencing true fear at about age 4, when he went with father to haunted house at an amusement park. Very vivid memory of knowing where his father kept his pornographic magazines and being drawn to them. Feeling addicted to pornography by puberty and having distorted images of "ideal" women. His Roman Catholic training and his mother's shame based attitudes all combined to make sex a "bad", shameful thing, worse than other sins.

Home life not punitive or hostile. Father withdrawn, not affectionate or encouraging; rewarding good performance, especially athletic.

Older sister acted out unresolved tension in home by being rebellious. She was verbally combative; dated unacceptable boys, and was sexually promiscuous.

Clearest memory while in junior high school of the "most horrible night.” Parents very upset,

Counseling the Codependent ~ 136 yelling, crying, confronting sister about her actions. Sister is screaming and accusing them of being bad parents.

Alone in his room the client remembers making a conscious declaration along the lines of, "I will never make my parents cry. I will make them proud." He never wanted to bring shame to his family and decided that night to "show up" his sister who was "bad". He recalls becoming intensely competitive with her, and others from then on, thinking it was a good way to be.

Drank alcohol heavily in high school which was all right in his mind because his father drank. But sex was wrong because that was what his sister did that hurt his parents so badly. He delayed acting out sexually until college.

He found release though in music. Playing an instrument helped him to channel his deep feelings even though he was often unaware of what was going on inside him. The client says music helped him to make it through intense feelings and the "craziness".

Rebellious in college; the fraternity "chug champion"; called the "excitable boy"; very promiscuous in college. Drinking pattern spiraling down by senior year. Planned activities around alcoholic consumption. When shared with his parents that he MIGHT have a drinking problem, they basically ignored him, and wanted to know if he had told anyone else.

Two steady girlfriends over four years. Basically promiscuous for control reasons. He realizes now that his womanizing patterns were to elicit approving responses from females in order to affirm and build himself up. Still very shame based sexually in college.

Also aware of a pattern of ALMOST winning, but losing by a small margin. He would have the approval of others AND the sympathy for losing. Not being a loser, but being a winner who had a bad break.

After college he had a good job. Finally went to Alcoholics Anonymous. The meetings forced him to be honest about his problem with alcohol and helped him to get sober. He attributes AA with being a turning point in breaking through his denial patterns in other areas.

After getting sober he was soon converted to Christ, being born again. His Christian life was very real, very dynamic. But old patterns of performing for reward and fear of success/failure began to emerge.

His ability to learn quickly and be an articulate leader led to responsibilities and expectations from others, which he was not ready for emotionally. A serious love relationship also brought up all his old issues.

Counseling the Codependent ~ 137 COUNSEL:

TEMPERAMENT ANALYSIS PROFILE:

INCLUSION: Phlegmatic Melancholy CONTROL: Choleric Compulsive AFFECTION: Supine Phlegmatic

This client clearly identified his codependency issues with OBEDIENCE TO A FALSE SYSTEM OF RULES; THE LEGACY FOR ADULT CHILDREN OF ALCOHOLICS; and SPIRITUAL STRIVING for recognition. He was an intense performer.

Because of Melancholy in Inclusion this client responded intellectually to the truth in the codependent book he read. He quickly saw and accepted the facts and wanted to change. New information about good mental health, and healthy patterns of relating have given him new goals.

Also being Melancholy in Inclusion has caused him to deal with more fear and perfectionism issues than a typical Choleric Compulsive. His Inclusion scores have caused him to wrestle with fear of rejection and fear of failure.

His mental capacities are impressive and driven by the intensity of his Control area. He is learning to counter his tendency of obsessive thinking, talking, and need to be right at all costs. His "furrowed brow" is typical of a driven Choleric Compulsive.

Because of his compulsive Control scores, the need to dominate and control all people and situations will tend to be his motivating drive. Most of his behaviors, good or bad, would be to establish and maintain power.

Fortunately this client has a true understanding of spiritual authority and has chosen to stay under godly authority, in His spiritual life and also in the workplace. He finds it easier to submit to those who are of equal or superior talent/expertise, and quite difficult to be under those who are not as accomplished.

Understanding the dynamics of his TAP has helped this client to see how out of balance he can get if he allows his intensity to dictate.

His ability to use charm and be sociable is an area that he has seen as a way to manipulate people to validate and approve of him. He has learned to check his own insincerity and motives.

In the area of Affection, this client is learning to experience the unconditional love and approval of his Heavenly Father. The typical Supine fear of rejection and fear of being wrong, and

Counseling the Codependent ~ 138 striving to perform for recognition are steadily decreasing in his life. He knows that the call on his life is real and that God has fully equipped him to carry out that call. His trust level is increasing from the changes he has made to live out of his strengths, while admitting his weaknesses and need for God's help.

Peace is becoming more and more real. His relationship with his wife has improved dramatically as he has dealt with his fears and controlling patterns. Her spiritual insight and hunger, along with her own emotional struggles, have led her into new areas of growth and maturity which have challenged him to grow up and take responsibility in new ways.

The areas of SELF-CARE, which have helped him the most, are learning to feel what he is really feeling and then communicating that, "even if no one acts on what he shares." This new insight stems from a typical Choleric Compulsive perception that expressing his feelings ought to produce some response in others once he's taken the step to share.

His new freedom has come from clearly separating himself from others and setting boundaries. He can let others be who they are and he can still be okay, even if they are wrong, misinformed, helpless, etc. It's God's job to change people, not his.

This client has clearly rejected emotional enmeshment and image management, and chosen objectivity and self-awareness.

He has been released from his pronouncement about "never making his parents cry/make them proud." He has accepted that it is all right if people do not approve; it does not make him a failure. He does not have to bring glory and honor to his family of origin. Rather he delights in giving glory and honor to his Heavenly Father through his music in worship.

The boundless energy of the Choleric Compulsive is best balanced with physical exercise; otherwise, it builds into an emotional intensity which creates conflict or crises. This client's need to push to the max and live on the edge has mellowed through the balance he is finding in his marriage. He speaks of being grateful for the conflict and confrontation in that relationship. Such an impasse was necessary to break through his denial system and perfectionism and give him reason to seek recovery and restoration.

Counseling the Codependent ~ 139 CHAPTER XVI

THE SANGUINE TEMPERAMENT

CODEPENDENT TENDENCIES I. POTENTIAL STRENGTHS

A. OUTGOING DECEPTION 1. Super-extrovert 2. Excels at communication 3. Loves the limelight

B. RESPONSIVE IMPORTANCE 1. Very touchy-likes hugs/handshakes 2. Able to make people feel important

C. WARM AND FRIENDLY DECEPTION 1. Life of the party 2. A people person 3. Appears more confident than DECEPTION/ in reality FEAR

D. TALKATIVE DECEPTION/ 1. Good conversationalist FEAR 2. Uses many adjectives in conversing

E. ENTHUSIASTIC SUFFICIENCY 1. Has no problem starting projects DECEPTION 2. Often in a lively mood 3. Usually a morning person 4. Lives for the day, with FORFEITURE little preparation DECEPTION

F. COMPASSIONATE FORFEITURE 1. Tender heart and cries easily 2. Forgives easily

II. POTENTIAL WEAKNESSES

A. UNDISCIPLINED CONTEMPT 1. Great appeal for the opposite sex, FORFEITURE faces more temptations than other temperaments 2. Greatest weakness=lack of discipline FORFEITURE 3. Rarely profits from mistakes, or FORFEITURE plans ahead 4. Usually disorganized (closets, offices, rooms) 5. Usually not good student, lack of CONTEMPT concentration 6. Without limelight there is procrastination DECEPTION/ 7. Terrible record keeper ANGER

Counseling the Codependent ~ 140 B. EMOTIONALLY UNSTABLE FORFEITURE 1. More emotional than all other ANGER/ temperaments except Melancholy FEAR 2. Cries easily watching TV 3. Discouraged easily, drifts into CONTEMPT/ excusing his weaknesses and DECEPTION feeling sorry for self 4. Lack of emotional consistency FORFEITURE limits vocationally, destroys spiritually DECEPTION 5. Blows off steam quickly ANGER 6. Intense fear of rejection, will FEAR/ sacrifice morals for acceptance OBSESSION/ DECEPTION

C. UNPRODUCTIVE CONTEMPT 1. Often impractical and disorganized 2. Easily excited; tends to run off FORFEITURE half-cocked in the wrong direction 3. Very active and restless, nonproductive DECEPTION

D. EGOCENTRIC OR EGOTISTICAL IMPORTANCE/ 1. Sharp dresser DECEPTION 2. Can become obnoxious by ANGER dominating the whole conversation DECEPTION 3. Tendency to talk about self, DECEPTION thinking that it is of real interest to the other person 4. More egotistical than all other IMPORTANCE temperaments

E. EXAGGERATES – Fish stories invented FEAR/ by Sanguines IMPORTANCE

Counseling the Codependent ~ 141 CONCLUSION

The outgoing, friendly and tenderhearted Sanguine is susceptible to being drawn into other people's problems, as well as acting in codependent ways trying to obey dysfunctional rules to gain approval.

The strongest tendency is SELF-DECEPTION as the Sanguine is prone to denial and intense image management due to the fear of rejection. The Sanguine's optimistic nature is such that he will know that things are going to get better; therefore problems are just temporary inconveniences, nothing serious. Painful realities are quickly reinterpreted by the upbeat Sanguine.

The Sanguine's need for social interaction will lead them into unhealthy relationships. They will indeed rescue, take over, control and try to be the hero, but this is NOT caused by SELF- IMPORTANCE, which drives a Choleric to the same behavior. Rather, a Sanguine will act in these ways because of their intense need to be involved with people. Their kindheartedness also motivates them to really want to help people. In other words, Sanguines want to be good and look good, not be the boss!!

The second strongest tendency is SELF-FORFEITURE. The Sanguine must be included and will do whatever it takes to please YOU. They will "de-self" taking care of other people's needs, demands, and responsibilities, fearful of using the “No” word lest they feel your disappointment or disapproval.

Sexual promiscuity is typical among those with Sanguine in Affection. Women trade sex for affection with men who trade affection in order to have sex. The unmet need for intimacy and close relationships makes the Sanguine susceptible to being manipulated easily by others.

FEAR for the Sanguine stems from insecurity from fear of rejection or abandonment. They will obsessively talk, emote, laugh, cry and cajole trying to stay involved.

ANGER is expressed and over with for most Sanguines, except when codependency patterns take over. They can swing from charming and delightful to incensed and raging in moments. This cycle causes guilt and they fear future blowups.

Many times Sanguines play the role of MASCOT/COURTJESTER in alcoholic families. They can also be the charismatic REBEL erupting in the midst of yet another crisis. They do not have the reliability to be the HERO or the patience to be a PEACEMAKER, nor the introversion to be a LOST CHILD! Sanguines love attention and drama.

Cholerics can easily charm and flatter Sanguines and then move into manipulation and

Counseling the Codependent ~ 142 domination. The openness of many Sanguines can lead to different kinds of victimization, which they must struggle to break out of.

SELF-CONTEMPT will cause a codependent Sanguine to stay in unhealthy, demoralizing relationships because of feelings of worthlessness. Guilt is common due to lack of diligence and follow-through, even though Sanguines are very enthusiastic in the beginning. They often cycle through new beginnings and forgotten commitments and promises.

To reiterate, when Sanguines manipulate and rescue others, it is not to feel powerful and strong; rather it is to stay involved and needed, and to "make you happy”.

Recovery must involve the Sanguine in SELF-CARE focusing on detaching from others and learning to take responsibility for their own lives. They must stop manipulating others through helplessness or sexual innuendo/temptation. They must learn to meet their need for relationships in godly ways. Twelve Step programs offer Sanguines a way to deal head-on with their denial and SELF-DECEPTION within a social setting.

Once a Sanguine learns to turn to God for real comfort and to enter into a deeper experience of His presence, they will find a fulfillment they never dreamed possible.

Counseling the Codependent ~ 143 CASE STUDY: SANGUINE

PERSONAL BACKGROUND:

Female Age 44 Divorced Employment: Legal Secretary

FAMILY OF ORIGIN:

Third of three daughters

FATHER: calm, easygoing; traveled several months per year as part of his job; not much of a drinker; not physically healthy, several heart attacks; very quiet, very private about his sexuality; his family from the South, Methodists, he was one of seven children; he helped to calm his wife's angry moods and rages.

MATERNAL GRANDMOTHER: Roman Catholic Italian immigrant who had an arranged marriage in America; husband was wealthy but he abandoned her and all of their children; she had difficult and tragic life with poverty, one child died in her arms with no food. All the women in her family discussed and labeled "tragic". She always lived next door to the client and was very much a part of the family dynamics.

MOTHER: Roman Catholic, she became "holy" due to difficult childhood, everyone called her a "saint". Her first husband was also a "saint", until he died of heart attack. Then she became "tragic" like all the other women in her family. Rageaholic. Very controlling and image conscious; always rescuing or taking in someone needy.

ACTIVE ALCOHOLISM: maternal uncle, very abusive and cruel

REASON FOR SEEKING COUNSEL:

1. Difficult divorce 2. Codependent issues 3. Intense need for one-on-one relationship/old patterns arising

OVERVIEW:

Growing up she slept in a single bed in her mother's room while her sister did likewise in her father's room. When the client was 9 years old her father died suddenly of a heart attack while

Counseling the Codependent ~ 144 traveling on business. Her mother's "craziness" escalated with mood swings and raging. The client missed her father's calm presence which had kept peace.

Perhaps due to a fear of being alone with all the responsibility, her mother dated different men with an intent to remarry, which she did when client was 12 years old. Life became more settled then, the client moved into her own room during this time of puberty.

But she could tell her mother was not really happy with her choice of a new husband, and neither was she. He was not nice to her friends and was pushy. Even though he was well known and respected in the community, his real self was "not nice". Mother had always been a rescuing "saint" and used to have a houseful of needy people. Her new husband was rude and unwelcoming to these people.

Growing up, client saw herself as part holy; part wild; part smart; part popular; always felt that she was honest and open. She found the popular girls were two-faced and did not appreciate her, while the wild girls were more accepting. Found that boys made better "friends" than girls who were often competitive or jealous.

In junior high she smoked and teased her hair, looked "bad" from an adult's point of view, but she felt basically that she was a "good person". She was cute and vivacious. She had a few sexual relationships, but these were based on caring and "love".

Then when she about 17 years old, her grandmother, who had been close and always lived next door, died suddenly. Almost immediately the next shock came when mother died right afterwards. She was devastated.

Things happened so quickly she never really got time to grieve or process her losses. The pain was compounded by the fact that she had a big fight with her mother right before she died which was never resolved. This drove her to feeling personally guilty for her mother's death.

She always felt like a target for "dirty old men". But the worst came when she had to stay alone with her stepfather. With no one to protect her or stop him, he made sexual advances toward her in the evenings after he had been drinking.

Her two older sisters had moved out before her mother's death so she was the only daughter still at home. She tried to protect herself by putting furniture in front of her door at night. When she told her aunt and uncle about it, they promised to come and get her. Instead, they told her stepfather who denied it and so they would not take her in. People felt sorry for HIM as the widower and because he was reputable in the community. But he was manipulative and victimized the client when she was most vulnerable and in need of nurturing.

Counseling the Codependent ~ 145 At 18, she ran away to Nevada and married a young guy to get away from her stepfather. The marriage lasted six months and soon she was divorced. But it got her out from her stepfather's custody and she did not have to stay with him until she turned 21 years, the legal adult age in her state. But she could not get her inheritance until she turned 21.

The Sixties were cranking and she moved into a hard lifestyle of sex, drugs, and rock 'n' roll. She felt very different: She felt really young and helpless having lost both her parents, but she felt really "old" because she was already divorced before she was 20.

She always worked to keep an apartment; having a home was important to her. She did a lot of drugs to escape and have a good time. She copied her mother's habit of rescuing and taking in "needy" people. She wanted to have people around her because she "enjoyed the company", even if they used her. Being alone was NOT a good thing in her mind.

The open sexual lifestyle of the era moved her into excessive promiscuity. Unable to say “No”, she slept with many men. She had an intense fear of alienating anyone; she did not want to hurt their feelings or reject them in any.

She felt that if she said “No” to them they might leave her, or worse yet, they might even die if she rejected them. She still felt very responsible for her mother's death because they had fought. She could not say “No” because of her intense need for others' approval.

She describes her promiscuity as something she did so she would not hurt the man's feelings, and also as a way to experience closeness. It was not really about sexual fulfillment or lust. She needed to be close to someone and she tried to meet that need sexually, and by having lots of people in her apartment. She saw herself as a "good", friendly and understanding person.

After she got married, she quickly had three children. She became a Christian and had a much more stable home life. Being a Christian helped her to put her wild life behind her and she buried her past in her mind, not telling people how she used to be.

She thought of herself as above all that and was even prideful about her "goodness". Her kindheartedness and codependency lead her into spiritual striving as she saw herself as doing good for others. She always had people at her house, at all hours of the day and night. Their demands were her commands.

Her rescuing patterns, desire to please, and lack of boundaries still made it very difficult for her to say “No” to anyone.

Her husband traveled extensively with his career. Left alone with three young children, she felt stressed and abandoned. They would fight and yell when he came home. Eventually, he found

Counseling the Codependent ~ 146 "another woman" who had no children.

She was devastated. She had trusted someone to take care of her and then she was rejected and abandoned. She was under intense emotional and financial pressure. The divorce was drawn out and emotional, filled with anger and yelling. She had become "tragic", just like all the other women in her mother's family.

Once her husband abandoned her, she seemed to attract men like a magnet – men who wanted to help her if she would only spend long hours alone with them listening to their problems. It was an old pattern, wanting to say “No” but fearful of hurting them or having them reject her.

All of the old fears and pain surfaced and she found herself facing a bleak situation of financial need and utter rejection. She raged at her children like her mother used to, yet sweetly smiled and listened with a mask of understanding/care on her face to the onslaught of men who appeared out of nowhere. She felt like a helpless victim and was constantly assessing the "potential" of possible rescuers whom she could manipulate to take of her and her three children.

She heard about codependency from a friend. She started to read and eventually joined a support group, which helped her to see her patterns. She allowed herself to look at her tragic losses and to grieve.

COUNSEL:

TEMPERAMENT ANALYSIS PROFILE:

INCLUSION: Melancholy CONTROL: Phlegmatic AFFECTION: Sanguine

This client's codependency developed as: A MEANS OF SURVIVAL and as OBEDIENCE TO A FALSE SYSTEM OF RULES, then finally as A MODE FOR SPIRITUAL STRIVING.

The tragic legacy of abandonment, which plagued her family seemed destined to destroy her as well. The survival skills she employed had kept her going through the loss of her parents/ grandmother, and the betrayal of her stepfather.

Her rebellion and acting out were actually survival skills, which kept her alive when the pain was too great. She has learned to put that into perspective rather then feeling guilty about it. Having compassion on herself has been part of her recovery process.

Counseling the Codependent ~ 147 The pain of her divorce caused all those former survival modes to return. But as a responsible Christian adult she knew that she could not act out as before. Having judged herself harshly for her past promiscuity also added to the pressure.

Yet her fears of abandonment and rejection demanded that she let men get close to her. It felt so "natural" to play the helpless victim, manipulating others to take care of her through flirtation and a pretended interest in their deepest concerns. As a Christian she was not sexually involved, just playing out a cleaned-up version of the past. It worked so well, almost.

But this time she saw herself raging at her own children like her own mother had done. The depression and guilt and ANXIETY were overwhelming. The drive to be close and involved with a man who would take care of her set her up in a rapid series of disappointing relationships. The old ways just did not give her a sense of relief.

As she coped with the intense pressures on a single mother, she knew she had to learn to rely on God. Being part of a supportive church helped tremendously. Learning about codependency and the roles of victim, rescuer, persecutor were powerful for her. She is learning to recognize her unhealthy patterns and has had to be very careful about who she lets into her life.

Learning about her temperament from her TAP has brought a sigh of relief and understanding. She sees how her high Sanguine score in Affection has been the driving force in her life. She has had great need to be close and involved one-on-one, along with a real optimism that if this one does not work out, the NEXT one will. She knows that she must be close to people and her happiness will depend on doing so in healthy, safe, and godly ways.

The TAP has helped her see why she was so rebellious. A dominant Sanguine does not make a very dependable family HERO or a quiet, retiring LOST CHILD. They choose more explosive roles as MASCOT or REBEL. Remembering her mother raging when she was a young child; then the pain of her father's death, and the fear of her new stepfather, she just HAD TO REACT and DO SOMETHING!

Her Melancholy Inclusion scores could have led her toward introversion, withdrawal, or suicide. But her dominant area drove her out of the house "to party and lighten up and have some FUN for a change"! She rebelled and drank to "HAVE A GOOD TIME AND FORGET THE PAIN.”

Her Sanguine temperament just knew things had to get better if she could be close with her friends who were a surrogate family. But the sex and drugs of the era were her nemesis. And her codependency set her up to de-self, and rescue untrustworthy types who used her and ‘”ripped her off.”

Counseling the Codependent ~ 148 The TAP has shown her why a key to her recovery has been learning not to "caretake" other people's emotions and feelings. Her natural empathy and lack of personal boundaries can get her sucked into their plans for her.

Her TAP has given her solid encouragement to set boundaries; to set time priorities to give her time to recharge; and to say “No” to people who are naturally attracted to her warmth. Seeing how her temperament set her up in this way gives her the information/facts her Melancholy mental side needs to work with.

Also she has stopped manipulating others with helplessness and being a victim. She has seen her pattern of trading sex for closeness and is meeting her need for closeness in legitimate ways.

When her ex-husband calls she can usually deal with his anger and yelling without reacting in anger and fear because she has found her own solid strength.

Being Phlegmatic in Control allows her to stand her ground as she has learned that giving into her fears of abandonment always leads to trouble. She has found stability and increased self- respect as she has managed to keep her children together and to pay her own bills. Taking responsibility for herself was terrifying at first.

The process of SELF-CARE (CHAPTER X) helped her to make choices and decisions realistically. A few trustworthy friends have helped to meet her need for intimacy.

Her natural warmth and outgoing manner are no longer tools/techniques she uses to get others to meet her needs and to make her feel safe. Now, the light in her eyes and her joyous, lighthearted manner, which bless those around her, come from her deepest, most intimate relationship. She has drawn close to the one who draws near to the brokenhearted, bringing tender compassion.

She is among those who have found the one who will never reject or abandon her, the one who offers the closest and most satisfying relationship of all. Her deep peace and inner knowing come from trusting and enjoying the Lord God Himself who has promised to be a "father of the fatherless and a judge and protector of the widows" (Psalm 68:5 Amplified Version).

Counseling the Codependent ~ 149 SELECTED BIBLIOGRAPHY

The author gratefully wishes to acknowledge the following books, tapes and pamphlets as sources for this thesis. They are highly recommended to the reader.

PART I

A.A. AT A GLANCE. New York: Alcoholics Anonymous General Service Office.

Beattie, Melody. CODEPENDENT NO MORE. San Francisco: Harper/Hazelden, 1987.

Beattie, Melody. BEYOND CODEPENDENCY. San Francisco: Harper/Hazelden, 1989.

Bradshaw, John. BRADSHAW ON: THE FAMILY. Deerfield Beach: Health Communications, Inc., 1988

Bradshaw, John. CREATING LOVE. New York: Bantam Books, 1992.

Bradshaw, John. HOMECOMING. New York: Bantam Books, 1990.

Fowler, Richard and Jerilyn and Brian and Deborah Newman. DAY BY DAY LOVE IS A CHOICE: DEVOTIONS FOR CODEPENDENTS. Nashville: Thomas Nelson Publishers, 1991.

Groom, Nancy. FROM BONDAGE TO BONDING. Colorado Springs: Navipress, 1991.

Groom, Nancy. FROM BONDAGE TO BONDING/ A WORKING GUIDE TO RECOVERY FROM CODEPENDENCY. Colorado Springs: Navipress, 1991.

Hemfelt,Robert, Frank Minirth, Paul Meier. LOVE IS A CHOICE. Nashville: Thomas Nelson, Inc., 1989.

McGee, Robert S. SEARCH FOR SIGNIFICANCE. BOOK AND WORKBOOK. Houston: Rapha Publishing, 1990.

Miller, Keith J. A HUNGER FOR HEALING/THE TWELVE STEPS AS A CLASSIC MODEL FOR CHRISTIAN SPIRITUAL GROWTH. San Francisco: Harper San Francisco, 1991.

Mellody, Pia and Andrea Wells Miller. BREAKING FREE. Workbook for FACING CODEPENCENCE. San Francisco: Harper San Francisco, 1989.

Mellody, Pia with Andrea Wells Miller and J. Keith Miller. FACING CODEPENDENCE. San Francisco: Harper San Francisco, 1989.

Peck, Scott. THE ROAD LESS TRAVELED. New York: Simon & Schuster, 1978.

Ross, Ron. WHEN I GROW UP...I WANT TO BE AN ADULT...CHRIST-CENTERED RECOVERY

Counseling the Codependent ~ 150 WORKBOOK FOR ADULT CHILDREN. San Diego: Recovery Publications, Inc. 1990.

Schaef, Anne Wilson. CO-DEPENDENCE: MISUNDERSTOOD-MISTREATED. San Francisco: Harper San Francisco, 1986.

Schmidt, Kenneth A. FINDING YOUR WAY HOME: FREEING THE CHILD WITHIN YOU AND DISCOVERING WHOLENESS IN THE FUNCTIONAL FAMILY OF GOD. Ventura: Regal Books, 1990.

Subby, Robert C. LOST IN THE SHUFFLE: THE CODEPENDENT REALITY. Deerfield Beach: Health Communications, Inc., 1987.

THE TWELVE STEPS FOR ADULT CHILDREN OF ALCOHOLICS. San Diego: Recovery Publications, Inc., 1989.

THE TWELVE STEPS – A SPIRITUAL JOURNEY: A Working Guide for Adult Children from Addictive and Other Dysfunctional Families – Based on Biblical Teachings. San Diego: Recovery Publications, Inc., 1988.

UNDERSTANDING OURSELVES AND ALCOHOLISM. New York: World Service Conference Al- Anon Family Groups, 1979.

Counseling the Codependent ~ 151 PART II

American Psychiatric Association. DIAGNOSTIC AND STATISTICAL MANUAL OF MENTAL DISORDERS Fourth Edition DSM-IV-TR. Washington, D.C., 2000.

Arno, Phyllis J. Telephone Interview. 19 July 1994.

Arno, Richard G. TEMPERAMENT THEORY Fifth Edition. Sarasota: National Christian Counselors Association, 1992.

Arno, Richard G. TEMPERAMENT THERAPY Seventh Edition. Sarasota: National Christian Counselors Association, 1992.

Babcock, William. "Predestination," AMERICAN ACADEMIC ENCYCLOPEDIA.

Beattie, Melody. CODEPENDENT NO MORE. San Francisco: Harper /Hazelton, 1987.

Beattie, Melody. "Codependent No More," Hazelton Audio Cassette Library, METACOM, 1988.

Graybill, William. INTRODUCTION TO TEMPERAMENT THEORY Seventh Edition. Sarasota: National Christian Counselors Association, 1992.

Groom, Nancy. "Codependency: Building Healthy Relationships", Conference for Christian Counselors, Titusville, FL, 1992. Cassette.

Groom, Nancy. FROM BONDAGE TO BONDING. Colorado Springs: Navipress, 1991.

Groothuis, Douglas R. UNMASKING THE NEW AGE. Downers Grove: InterVarsity Press, 1986.

Johnson, Phillip E. DARWIN ON TRIAL. Downers Grove: InterVarsity Press, 1991.

Kalin, Jesse G. "Determinism," AMERICAN ACADEMIC ENCYCLOPEDIA.

LaHaye, Tim. SPIRIT CONTROLLED TEMPERAMENT. Wheaton: Tyndale House, 1966.

Masterson, James F. PSYCHOTHERAPY OF THE BORDERLINE ADULT: A DEVELOPMENTAL APPROACH. New York: Brunner/Mazel, 1976.

Meier, Paul, Frank Minirth, Frank Wichern, and Donald Ratcliff. INTRODUCTION TO PSYCHOLOGY AND COUNSELING: CHRISTIAN PERSPECTIVES AND APPLICATIONS Second Edition. Grand Rapids: Baker, 1991.

Neal, C.W. YOUR THIRTY DAY JOURNEY TO POWER OVER CODEPENDENCY. Nashville: Thomas Nelson, 1992.

"Paradox." AMERICAN HERITAGE DICTIONARY Third Edition, 1992.

Counseling the Codependent ~ 152 Samaan, Pierre. Personal Interview. 19 May 1994.

Schaeffer, Francis A. ESCAPE FROM REASON. Downers Grove: InterVarsity Press, 1968.

Stoop, Jan and David. SAYING GOODBYE TO DISAPPOINTMENTS. Nashville: Thomas Nelson, 1993.

Counseling the Codependent ~ 153