Narcissism and Codependency

Theories of Neurosis By Kate Eccles Toxic Helping: Codependency as a form of Neurotic Conflict “The symptoms of neurosis are not simply the effects of long-past causes, whether ‘infantile sexuality’ or the infantile urge to power; they are also attempts at a new synthesis of life-unsuccessful attempts, let it be added in the same breath, but attempts nevertheless, with a core of value and meaning. They are seeds that fail to sprout owing to the inclement conditions of and inner and outer nature.” CG Jung Two Essays on Analytical Psychology. Collected Works 7, 1953 1 In psychoanalytic theory, neurosis is a term used to describe a nonpsychotic mental illness stemming from an unresolved emotional conflict. In neurosis, an impulse that has been blocked seeks expression in a disguised form, with the result that neurotic persons experience emotional distress and unconscious conflict in the form of physical or mental illnesses such as acute or chronic anxiety, depression, obsessive-compulsive disorders, phobias, or personality disorders. The term ‘neurosis’ was first coined in 1769 by Scottish doctor William Cullen, to refer to symptoms that could not be explained by physiology (knee jerks, gag reflexes, dermatographia etc). With the rise of the psychoanalytic movement, Freud adopted the term as an explanation for the expression of repressed sexual impulses. Adler went on to reframe it more as a disguised and distorted ‘will to power’. Later, Karen Horney theorized that neurosis stemmed from a faulty way of looking at the world resulting from the expression of compulsive needs transmitted to a child from his or her early environment. Jung’s theory of neurosis takes into account all these theories, but also takes things a step farther. Jung, unlike many other psychoanalysts, based his theory of neurosis on the premise of a self-regulating psyche which tries to manage opposing tensions between the ego and the unconscious, and he believed that in many cases the neurosis also had a creative or teleological function stemming in part from the loss of a fulfilling sense of meaning and purpose, and from the lack of connection to a living religious belief. While most psychoanalytic treatment focuses on trying to work with the patient to bring the repressed or unconscious content into conscious awareness, Jung’s treatment brought in the attempt to build a stronger dialogue between conscious and unconscious through the examination of symbolic contents from the unconscious in the form of dreams, resonant myths, fairy tales, and creative fantasies. In this way, Jung envisioned neurosis not so much as a mental dysfunction, but as a life-guiding gift from the unconscious pointing the individual toward health and foreshadowing necessary developmental tasks. In his book on the psychoanalytic theory of neurosis, Fenichel describes the dynamic thus: That underneath the organized periphery of the ego lies a core of dynamic forces, which strive for discharge. These dynamic forces (often repressed impulses) consistently seek outlets. The ego, in its role mediating between the organism and the environment, works to provide protection against perceived hostile influences from the outer world. This protection (or sometimes gratification seeking) occurs consciously in accord with collective beliefs, individual past experiences, or conditioning. In the unconscious background, however, impulses which may be objectionable to the conscious ego attitude continue to seek expression. “In this seeking activity, the ego tends to produce “derivatives”, that is, to displace its cathexes onto associatively connected ideas that are less objectionable to the conscious ego … There are unconscious “dispositions” toward these qualities, unconscious “longings for affects”, strivings toward development of affects that are held in check by opposing forces, while the individual 2 does not know that he has such readiness toward rage or sexual excitement or guilt feeling or whatever it may be.” (p. 17) One place we might find such derivatives is in the syndrome of codependency. Codependents are those ‘selfless’ individuals who lavish caretaking on people who typically are so needy, selfish, addicted or ill, they are unable to reciprocate or have mutual relationships. The term “codependency” is not in the DSM and is borrowed from the language of drug and alcohol addiction. Although a vague term with many definitions, I understand it as a person who cannot act from their innate self, but seeks love based on feelings of inadequacy that one hopes will be repaired by a partner. The codependent cannot be the individual they really are, but must fulfill a role their partner has for them, which is to provide unbending love and security. The trouble is that there is never enough giving. The codependent is constantly tested, and must work harder and harder to please the other person in order to ensure they will be loved. Therefore, a codependent submerges their needs for those of the other person, accepting destructive, dysfunctional and often cruel behavior because they fear that, if the addict or narcissist with whom they are involved is made accountable or if they are confronted, they will recover, get their needs met elsewhere, or leave. The infamous dynamic can best be observed firsthand in Al-Anon family groups, where competent and high-potential people can be found in droves sharing remarkably consistent stories about their lives being consumed by the unpredictable, often destructive behaviors of pathological narcissists, borderlines, alcoholics or drug addicts. Often, it is in these meetings that the codependent first begins to understand that they themselves have a disease of addiction in which they are toxically and compulsively bonded to the addict or narcissist in their lives. In the worst cases, people will care for people for decades who they don’t even really like. They give and give, while the other becomes progressively more and more dependent and stunted, hardly able to participate in managing their own day to day lives. In other cases, the codependent’s world gradually narrows to being concerned only with the needs, wants and feelings of the person they are involved with – a kind of obsessive ‘love’ that absorbs every waking moment and has the quality of intoxication or a kind of ‘possession’. For example, they may spend all day wondering if their partner is drinking, how much they are drinking, or if they are having sexual thoughts about someone else. They may spend an inordinate amount of time ‘covering up’ for their spouse’s neglect of work or important tasks, doing routine life management things for the partner, hyper-vigilantly monitoring the partner’s every move. They may neglect their own friends to “be there” for the acting out partner who is, typically, not present for them and wreaking havoc with their lives. They may sit in a restaurant alone brooding and waiting for the partner who promised to show up and didn’t, rather than cutting their losses and going out with another friend, because thinking about their partner’s disappointing behavior is still more gratifying to them than doing something for themselves. Why would someone with so much capacity for caring, who is clearly capable of managing two, not one, lives, allow their whole reality and potential to be consumed by someone who seems to offer nothing in return? 3 because the truth is that the Codependent is actually just as ill and needy as the addict or narcissist. Codependents have cathected their own chronic need for care into the more socially acceptable behavior of caretaking for others. It is a defense against their own fear and vulnerability and a way to control their environment and secure a ‘family’ who will never leave them. Codependents lavish care on needy, troubled others as a conversion of their own desperate unmet needs. As the disease progresses, they literally become more and more addicted to the person they are ‘helping’. Just as the alcoholic’s personality and potential become more and more replaced by the addiction to booze, and as the narcissist’s life begins to unravel as they alienate more and more people through attacks of narcissistic rage and predatory/entitled behaviors, the codependent similarly becomes eaten up by addiction, as they themselves become more and more addicted to the ‘helping’ fix. Paradoxically, the codependent is doing anything but helping the addict or narcissist in their lives. In fact, their ‘helping’ is often a form of toxic enabling which prevents the partner from facing the consequences of their own disease and life choices. As a result, the codependent is actually contributing to the progression of another’s illness and failure, while at the same time their own disease progresses in the background. If unaddressed, codependency continues to eat away at the personality, and eventually the codependent becomes a mere shell of themselves, helplessly floundering through life trying to comply and cope with the increasingly dysfunctional chaos created by an active alcoholic, drug addict, or narcissist whose own ability to function continues to deteriorate but who never ‘hits bottom’ and faces their disease because the codependent is functioning for them in the day to day management of life. Typically, the (exhausted) codependent sees themselves as a selfless victim – a martyr – who has sacrificed much for the thankless addict and/or narcissist in their life. The constant refrain from those outside the relationship is: “how can that bad person treat him/her

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