Prose Bluesci: Out Now

New writing from Obesity epidemic? Helen Oyeyemi Bluesci weighs in on the debate. Varsity’s science magazine.

RE-LAUNCHED AND RE-DESIGNED 40 PAGE FULL COLOUR EDITION www.varsity.co.uk No. 622 Friday October 7th, 2005

The Independent Cambridge Student Newspaper since 1947 WOMAN CHARGED IN STUDENT ATTACK ATTEMPTED MURDER

Alethea Foster giving a lecture John Foster outside Court on to the Annual Diabetic Foot Wednesday Conference during July 2005.

Alethea Foster pictured at an Exclusive images taken minutes after Alethea Foster’s alleged attack upon Julie Simpson. Due to the nature of allegations, certain parts of Alethea Foster being escorted awards ceremony in 2004 with the image have been pixellated to ensure a fair trial. to a police van on Monday her husband John World renowned academic and mother of two pictured minutes after her alleged attack upon a student

Varsity News Team which took place at 2.15pm. At 2.25pm a There was a slight delay before help was Students have been given strict instruc- first-year student leant out of a top-floor available, attributed to the fact that the tions not to talk to the national press. Alethea Foster LIFE & CAREER 61-year-old woman has been window screaming, “You’ve got to get room containing Simpson and her Varsity has also been inundated with calls Acharged with the attempted mur- help, someone’s being stabbed, I can’t get attacker was apparently locked. The for information and requests for photo- Lives: Warren Street, Bromley, Kent der of a Lucy Cavendish mature any signal on my phone”. A second stu- porters, allegedly both new to the col- graphs as knowledge spread that Varsity Family: Married to John Foster, two chil- student. On Monday afternoon, under- dent told of how she heard “around a lege, also encountered difficulties in was the only publication in possession of dren, Julien, 34 and William, 31 graduate History student Julie Simpson, minute of screaming.” Those outside the entering the building without the photographs of the suspect immediately 2004: Retired as Lead Clinical Specialist 44, is alleged to have been very seriously building were initially “completely required swipe card. after her arrest. The national press, some Podiatrist, Diabetic foot clinic, King’s College injured by retired award-winning podia- frozen”, but after a brief pause three first- Police and ambulances arrived soon college students and Simpson’s neigh- Hospital. trist Alethea Foster, of Bromley, Kent. year students ran to get help in the after and managed to disarm the suspect. bours in Kent have all implied, however, 2003: Invited to 10 Downing Street by the Simpson was attacked with a kitchen Porters’ Lodge. A student who was inside She was taken directly to the police sta- that she was romantically involved with Prime Minister 'in recognition of the role of the Allied Healthcare Professions within the knife in her bedroom in college residence the building described how she had ini- tion and appeared in court on John Foster, the suspect’s husband. NHS'. Warburton Hall. A medical student who tially put the shouting down to “some- Wednesday night, where she spoke only According to college members, Simpson 1991-2001: Executive Committee of the spoke to the ambulance crew learned one larking around.” She was immedi- to confirm her personal details. had signed in Foster as a guest an hour EASD Post-Graduate Study Group for the that Simpson sustained irreparable ately instructed by Maintenance employ- Simpson remains in Addenbrookes’ before the incident took place. Allegedly, Diabetic foot injuries to her eye, four stabs in her arms ee, Kim Atterton, to run to the porters, as Hospital where she has been taken off the she had notified a porter that she was 1999: Won the M Viswanathan Gold Medal and a paralysing blow to the shoulder he was “trying to get the perpetrator to critical list but is still in a serious condition. expecting a guest at this time and had “in recognition of services to diabetes” and chest area. Two students living on put the knife down and was unable to The connection between the two asked him to telephone her when her vis- 1997: Won the Meritous Award of the the corridor are said to have witnessed phone the porter himself”. women has been the subject of huge itor arrived. Sometime before 1.30pm, Society of Chiropidists and Podiatrists 1996-7: Elected onto Chiropidists’ Board part of the attack. Those present at the scene have media interest over the past two days, Simpson arrived at the Porters’ Lodge and Publications: Managing the Diabetic Foot, A member of college described how described how the porters at first reacted with journalists from all major papers took Foster to her room, where it is 2005 “people were milling round on the lawn slowly. It is now thought that they did “swarming” over the Lucy Cavendish believed that the incident occurred. A Practical Manual of Diabetic Foot Care, outside after the Matriculation photo”, not realise how serious the situation was. grounds in search of information. 2003 (BMA Medical Book of the Year) Benj Seidler on Kim Jones >13 Mary Bowers, Sudoku Meditations >17 Chris Eubank interviewed >39 2 Varsity News 07.10.05 news in brief Body found in city £4.5 million government campaign to attract students The government is urging stu- churchyard dents not to be deterred by the new £3000 per year top-up fees. A large-scale TV and bill- described a strong police presence thing overtly suspicious about the board campaign, created by Rachel Divall in the area. New Hall 3rd year death, police had been forced to the company behind the Harry Amy Fox told Varsity she had investigate thoroughly because Potter films, has been On Monday a body was found in been on her way to Sainsbury’s “with any incident like this every launched. The aim is to make a churchyard in central when when she saw “lots of possibility has to be considered.” students aware that payment of Cambridge. police cars and a scientific support The discovery prompted mixed fees is due after graduation and At around 8am on October 3, the unit” Another student saw police reactions from students and local that a grant for the poorest stu- body of a 27 year old man was ushering onlookers away from residents. A third year under- dents is being introduced. This discovered in the grounds of St the area. graduate said “I often walk is the first time the government Giles’ Church, on the corner of Police called forensic experts to around here and have never seen has publicly acknowledged Chesterton Lane and Castle Hill, the scene and early results of a anything unusual so it was quite that there might be confusion an area lived in by students. A post mortem indicate the man shocking to hear someone had surrounding the new tuition builder working on renovations had died from a drug overdose. died in the open air” However a fees system. at the church who discovered the Detective Inspector Tony Ixer, female undergraduate described Jamie Marland body, told police it had been lying who is leading the investigation, the incident as “not all that hard Chief Editor needed under scaffolding close to the confirmed that the body was that to believe, everyone knows the The Mays, the renowned anthol- church wall and was that of a of “a known drug user from church grounds are frequented Blast from ogy of new creative writing by middle-aged man. South Cambridgeshire”. by drug users.” Oxbridge students,is searching The churchyard was immedi- Inspector Ixer explained that, for a Chief Editor for its four- ately sealed off and students although there hadn’t been any- teenth annual edition. If you the Past think you can spot the next Zadie Smith, e-mail [email protected] for an Respect party called for an inde- application form. Previous edi- Jude Townend pendent inquiry into allegations tions of The Mays are now avail- that the asylum seekers at able at 4 for £10 at Heffer’s. At least four Second World War Oakington Detention Centre bombs have been excavated in were deliberately not included Clare access scheme short- Oakington, north of Cambridge. in the original evacuation. Two listed for top award Around 500 homes, a primary buses of asylum seekers were The Clare College Tower Michael Derringer school and an ayslum seekers’ evacuated on Thursday night Hamlets scheme has been centre were due to be evacuat- and it was planned that the short-listed for the Lord ed. at 9 am today after the remaining twenty three asylum Mayor of London’s 2005 fourth bomb was uncovered. seekers would be moved this Dragon Awards. The partner- Two bombs were discovered at morning. Detonation of the two ship between the college and the weekend, with one detona- remaining bombs is scheduled the London Borough aims to tion taking place on Wednesday. to take place today but will raise the aspirations of stu- The controlled explosion left a depend on weather conditions; dents in the area. Over 1000 thirty metre crater. The second the number of people likely to students have taken part in bomb was made safe over the be affected has not been con- the KPMG and Clifford next forty eight hours. During firmed. One local farmer com- Chance sponsored scheme this time, eighty residents were mented, “Who knows how since 2001. Six students are evacuated, but were allowed many bombs there could be? studying in Cambridge as a home overnight when further There’s bound to be more”. The result of participation in the detonations were postponed; field in which the bombs were scheme. the Senior Tutor of St found, near Brookfields Farm, is Catharine’s College was con- earmarked for an 8000 home National Portrait Gallery firmed to be among the resi- Northstowe development. It was wins Plath’s sketch of Hughes dents evacuated. an RAF airfield during the The unique portrait of Ted The Cambridge branch of the Second World War. Hughes by Sylvia Plath which featured in Varsity last week was acquired at auction by Cambridge Scientist denies racism allegation Guide slams Cambridge hotels Big City Lights the National Portrait Gallery Molecular biologist Dr Prim Singh, 45, told a tribunal this week that race Hoteliers in Cambridge have The claim that Cambridge City Council was going to fail to pro- for £27,600 - £2000 more had cost him a top job. He is seeking £1 million in damages, claiming he reacted angrily to a guide pub- duce christmas lighting this year, as gleefully reported by other than the highest estimated was "never given a chance" in his application for the directorship of the lished this week in which it is local media, has proved to be completely unfounded. The council bid. Entitled ‘Portrait of me, Babraham Institute. But Dr David Bloxham, who sat on the panel that claimed that the city's offerings were in fact discussing with contractors possible placings of cer- made by Sylvia Plath, circa decided the Babraham appointment, argued that Dr Singh's CV had not are less than up to scratch. tain features, a spokesman said, describing the allegations as 1957, Ted Hughes’, it was a been as strong as his competitors. The Babraham Institute is denying all Cambridge has not managed a “utter rubbish” gift from the poet to Roy charges and the hearing continues. single full entry in the 2006 edi- Davids, his close friend. tion of the Good Hotel Guide, Elocution improves at Lion Yard NUS cleared of anti-semitism despite being one of Britain's top Varsity is pleased to announce that the jarring transatlantic twang Alison Richards speaks to A report published on October 6 cleared the National Union of Students tourist destinations, attracting of the Lion Yard car park ticket machines has been replaced. The the University of apathy towards anti semitism. The report was commissioned follow- around 4.5 million visitors a year. voice is now apparently more akin to the dulcet tones of Joanna In the Vice-Chancellor’s ing the resignation of three committee members in April. Lack of kosher Adam Raphael, editor of the Lumley. Councillor Herbert said: "It's one small step for annual speech on October 1, food at conference and the slow removal of an offensive leaflet caused guide, called the city the Cambridge car parks and one giant leap for English heritage”. Professor Richards set out the problems. NUS President Kat Fletcher said that she was very pleased "Bermuda Triangle of the hotel her views on the relationship and that the NUS remained “committed to diversity”. industry”. between society and univer- sities, praising the fact that “Cambridge cherishes free- >>page26 dom of thought and expres- sion and gives this freedom The view from Lucy Cav on fame pre-eminence among its core values”. She also addressed Katherine Poole speaks in the aftermath of the week’s horrific happenings Lynn Barber the debate over the introduc- tion of top-up fees in 2006. gets candid The specifics of the incident that took place this Monday at Lucy port they needed, be it company, distraction, or time alone. Cavendish are now the concern of the legal process and of those Freshers barely four days into their new lives found their bond- with Emily individuals directly involved. One thing, however, emerged on ing experience a little accelerated, as they united behind those of the brilliant blue October morning that followed. As the college their number who were directly affected: a rather abrupt intro- Stokes took stock, the aftermath confirmed one fundamental reality duction into the way we do things here at Lucy. listen about student life both here and in Cambridge as a whole - a col- Lucy is a college that brings together women of all ages and all lege is its students. disciplines at all stages in their academic career. It has a wealth While I meandered about, trying to be of some practical use and of experience and a certain freedom from conventional social You can hear not really being of any, everyone kept asking if I was okay. Why boundaries, from which to draw strength at moments such as Varsity on the wouldn’t I be? I was barely involved. What I didn’t realise was this.We were able to return to our accommodation the following that the organ of communal recovery was already in action, as afternoon. Keen to get back to the room I had only so recently radio on networks of support sprang up from nowhere, instinctively and begun to make a home, it was late before I realised that I might Mondays at with far more efficiency than a prescient contingency plan could not be quite as ‘okay’ as I had been insisting throughout the day. 10pm. ever provide. It was at this point I realised how lucky I am to be part of this Plentiful supplies of food, clothing, toiletries and money were community. And it is to this community that we hope the victim CUR 1350 gathered for those of us deprived of our beds and belongings for will eventually be able to return. just over 24 hours, some having left the building with nothing but the clothes they stood in. No one was left without the sup- our policy The VARSITY IS DEDICATED TO BRINGING YOU THE MOST RELEVANT AND INTRIGUING NEWS AS Week in AND WHEN IT HAPPENS. THE OPINIONS EXPRESSED IN OUR CONTENT ARE THOSE OF THE INDIVIDUAL CONTRIBUTORS, AND NOT NECESSARILY OF VARSITY PUBLICATIONS LIM- Weather FRI SAT SUN MON TUE WED THUR ITED. 07.10.05 News Varsity 3 Pembroke goes to the dogs: It’s all rover for Pub Crawl pranksters the point at which he threw humiliating”. Mark Wormald, up”. Others concurred saying Senior Tutor at Pembroke, told “it was pot luck as to who got Varsity that “It seems that one the dog food and who got the group of students, in one of chillies…afterwards it was the seven pubs involved, absolute carnage”. chose to ignore that very sen- Two members of the sible advice, and in doing so Pembroke Junior Parlour were may have embarrassed or seen earlier in the evening offended some of our new stu- walking down Tennis Court dents. We deplore this error of Road with bags of shopping, judgement and its conse- shouting to a passer by “we’ve quences. The College is now got dog-food!” Although con- working with the Junior The Anchor pub: pranksters’ feeding ground Jamie Marland tacted by Varsity, at the time of Parlour Committee to identify going to press we had received those responsible and those called the Boat Race were pre- no response from the affected; we will be apologiz- News Reporter sented with a plate of pies, half Pembroke Junior Parlour as to ing to the latter, who have not of which contained dog food, whether this was an approved made a complaint to the Pembroke College’s Monday the other containing chillies. part of the pub crawl. College, and taking appropri- night pub crawl left a bitter Although it appears that the The freshers were being ate steps to ensure that such taste in the mouth of some majority of groups were taken round seven Cambridge an episode does not happen freshers after they were fed warned of the contents of the pubs in groups, completing again.” dog food as a practical joke. pies, one team were not so different drinking challenges One Pembroke second year The perpetrators are rumoured lucky. Pembroke Porters told at each one with forfeits after- summed up the unfortunated to have been members of the Varsity that several freshers wards for the slowest to finish. episode saying “it was dog- Junior Parlour manning the were seen running home visi- This had the full permission of eat-dog as freshers fought to Anchor pub near Queen’s bly upset by their ordeal. Pembroke College, although avoid the contaminated pies. Bridge. One Pembroke fresher told a the organisers were told to I’m glad this didn’t happen in Freshers who finished last in Varsity news reporter that “one “avoid anything that was my freshers’ week.” a well known drinking game guy was virtually force fed it to potentially demeaning or Historic Market under threat Reduced chance of Traders will be gone within two years if nothing is done to support them cocaine relapse allow credit card purchases. Joe Gosden Annette Wilson, who man- ages the market for Cambridge Cambridge’s historic market is City Council, said that they under threat and could be all were working with the market but gone within two years if traders to help promote the ail- nothing is done to reinvigorate ing market and that she thought the struggling city centre. it “was fantastic that the market Market traders, some of whom traders were thinking long are the third generation to work term”. She said that a document in the 900 year old market, told had been put together by the Varsity of how with rising rents, council just last week on plans a slump in trade and a lack of to regenerate the market in the interest from the city council are long term. Support was also endangering their businesses. forthcoming from local politi- David Jacobs, a trader who cians, with local councillor has worked on the market 6 James Strachan telling Varsity days a week since the age of 15, that “more can be done. The described a complete lack of Council ought to have worked support from the city council. out that removing 700 car park- He said “its us that are suffering ing spaces from the City centre Hannah Fletcher as the city council put all their would reduce the number of money and time into the shoppers and reduce turnover in Grafton Centre and the Grand the market. They should offer a effects of memory. “Drug-asso- Arcade”. rent rebate of £200 per month Krystyna Larkham ciated stimuli are critically Kevin Murphy, proprietor of per trader until the Lion Yard Science Editor important in the acquisition of “Perfect Circle CDs,” said “the car park is back in operation.” A Cambridge team have dis- prolonged periods of drug seek- Grafton centre has all but taken Liberal Democrat Councillor covered a way to disassociate ing behaviour. Therefore the over…there just aren’t the cus- Jenny Bailey, who is responsible the memories linked with tak- ability to disrupt retroactively tomers in the city centre any for the market, said that “long ing cocaine, from the physical the conditioned reinforcing more”, adding that “the council term plans for the market will craving for the drug these properties of a drug cue pro- have done nothing to promote hopefully see nice new market memories often induce. It is vides a powerful and novel the market in years”. His tale stalls that could be wheeled hoped that the breakthrough, approach to the treatment of was backed up by many others, away in the evening to leave a made by Professor Barry Everitt drug addiction by diminishing furniture trader Claire Michael Derringer grand civic space and to give and his team at the department the behavioural impact of drug Molynieux told Varsity that trader’s life blood, has been can- year in rent, but none of it is Cambridge city center a conti- of Experimental Psychology, cues and thereby relapse” says “there’s no locals anymore, only celled whilst the square has ever put back into the square” nental feel”. She added “as more will one day greatly reduce Dr Jonathan Lee, who also tourists at the weekend. We slipped into disrepair as funding She pointed out that the council mainstream shops move into recovering addict’s chances of worked on the project. aren’t even taking the rent for cuts have meant the loss of a full could install hard roofs, repair the Grand Arcade we hope that relapsing whenever an old drug Professor Everitt’s team the stall during the week any- time cleaner; leaving rubbish the cobbles and improve the the City Centre shops will taking haunt, action or friend is worked with rats, using a com- more”. festering in the alleys, the stall aesthetic appearance of the mar- become more specialized, like revisited. bination of behavioural (lever Many traders are worried that awnings dirty and sagging and ket relatively cheaply, but were the lanes in Brighton.” She Cocaine is a highly addictive pressing, nose poke and light they will have gone bankrupt the fountain in the centre just unwilling to put in the time stood by the council’s decision compound, which acts within based reward systems) and within two years if nothing is blocked up with dirt. and effort. The was general con- to close the Lion Yard car park the areas of the brain associated molecular (gene knockout) done to reduce the crippling Audrey O’Connor, chairman sensus amongst the traders that and reduce its future capacity, with ‘reward’. By blocking the techniques to investigate the rents and to help bring cus- of the Cambridge Market they wanted to create a market saying “cars are an unsustain- action of certain proteins memory process “reconsolida- tomers back to the market Traders Association, said that fit for the 21st century, one that able way to travel into responsible for quick up take of tion” whereby recalled memo- square. The bus service that investment was sorely needed. would bring young people back Cambridge…people should be the neurotransmitter dopamine ries can be disrupted or used to run into the city centre, “The market traders are paying into the centre and could even using public transport or cycling after a brain cell has ‘fired’, changed. Their results show bringing in locals who were the over half a million pounds a have the facilities installed to instead”. cocaine causes a constant stim- that the association of cocaine ulation of the neurons involved with a particular memory can with feeling good, therefore be disrupted, without harming inducing the ‘high’ craved by so any other aspects of memory, many users. Unfortunately it good news for addicts often New chlamydia test developed also causes a drop in dopamine tempted into relapse by the after the high has worn off, cravings their old hang-outs Amelia Worsley forward test indicates infection test themselves at home. mon sexually transmitted infec- leading to feelings of depres- induce. by on a small dipstick, similar to Combining testing and treat- tions and the biggest cause of sion, and even acts on our So whilst the physical and Quick diagnosis invention will a pregnancy test. ment in one clinic visit raises infertility. The scientists who genes themselves, making the psychological aspects of cocaine speed up treatment of chlamy- Previously treatment could be treatment rates. Dr Alison Swain invented the rapid test were body more sensitive to the addiction are often treated with dia. delayed for up to two weeks from the Brook Advisory Service, funded by the Wellcome Trust, drug. a combination of counselling Cambridge’s Diagnostics while results were sent away for praised the invention saying, WHO and the U.S National Drugs and therapies exist to and medication, this new Development Unit (DDU) has testing. The innovation is "clients who are positive can be Institute of Health. Their combat this physical side of Cambridge discovery will hope- developed an innovative already being trialled at a family treated immediately without a research continues on similar cocaine addiction, but until fully lead to therapy for the Chlamydia test that gives results planning clinic and it is hoped return visit.’ tests for HIV and Hepatitis B. now there has been little memory too. within 25 minutes. The straight- that women will soon be able to Chlamydia is the most com- progress made on the powerful 4 Varsity News 07.10.05 On Campus Grads join the club Changes to cycling talks and workshops. The events Lilie Weaver GU within the university and ments and the Cambridge tions are to be dealt with, will be open to all and guests from improve the facilities available University Press. Most of them accused Broadbent of being As part of an eighteen month all over the region and country are to graduate students. have facilities in or close to the ‘secretive’ and said that she did experiment the current to be invited. The celebration was The Graduate Union has Broadbent told Varsity that he University Centre, including not consider the authorities regulations restricting cycling on launched on Wednesday October overcome multiple objections had not anticipated the intensi- the Politics department, the that he had contacted to be St. Mary’s Street, Market Hill, 5 with a reading by Nobel to be granted a club license at ty of the objections to the appli- Centre for International Studies “senior enough”. The chairman Market Street and Sidney Street Laureate Seamus Heaney. John the University Centre on Mill cation, going on to add that the and the School of Biological quickly dismissed these dis- are to be suspended. This will Mole, Honorary Director of the Lane. They will be able to hold graduate body are “really quite Sciences. Catherine Ashby, rep- putes as “personal and irrele- provide cyclists with a direct route Festival and acclaimed poet, also up to eight live music events a a docile bunch” many of whom resenting the CUP, said that vant to the guidelines of the from the south to the north of the spoke at the opening. year and keep their bar open have “social needs which are despite the fact that “not more new act”. city. The council have stressed until midnight. Improvements not met by large, loud night- than ten students” had used the From the 24th November the that the current one-way system Town meets gown will also be made to the build- clubs in town”. He believes that facility there was still an unac- GU bar will be open 7pm- must be observed and when ing’s facilities, including the the ruling “sets an important ceptable level of what she Midnight in the University cycling during busy periods Cambridge City Council is disabled access. precedent” and hopes that it termed ‘detritus’ outside in the Centre on Mill Lane. The cyclists must prioritise pedestrian organizing a series of ‘Town and The move comes after a sus- will help CUSU in their quest to alleyway that the GU shares University still retains the safety. A survey will be carried out Gown’ summits to help tackle tained period of campaigning find a central union building. with the CUP. power to refuse permission for after twelve months in order to student issues in the city. The first of campaigning by GU presi- Opposition to the application Mrs Small, who was repre- certain evenets, but Broadbent assess the scheme’s success. meeting of Liberal Democrat dent Alex Broadbent, who came from the university as a senting the secretariat through is hopeful that any remaining Councillors and representatives wants to raise the profile of the whole, as well as seven depart- which all university applica- issues can be resolved. Music fellow for from Cambridge’s Student Union Kettle’s Yard has already taken place, and representatives from APU are Kettle’s Yard and Kings College being sought. It is hoped that the have appointed a new music meetings will tackle issues such Blood Service Barred fellow. Anton Lukoszevieze will as recycling, personal safety, programme a series of lighting in parks and commons, David Marusza dred individuals as ‘dirty’ and these regulations are “continually contemporary music concerts at homelessness, transport and ‘second class’. monitored and changed”, it Kettle’s Yard as well as working cycle theft. Penny Richardson, the emerges that men who have sex with student composers and local Birmingham University Guild National Blood Service’s Press with men represent the group at music groups. Anton, a cellist, will Electronic cards for of Students cancelled the booking Officer for the region, said that the highest risk of contracting HIV. introduce himself to Cambridge in colleges of a National Blood Service (NBS) agency, which is an offshoot of Sexually active homosexuals rep- a concert entitled “The Art of the stall at their Freshers’ Fair, brand- the NHS, was ‘disappointed’ that resent around 70% of those Curved Bow” on 20 October at Robinson and New Hall have ing the NBS’ policy of not allow- such a decision had been taken, infected in the UK. The organisa- 7.30. Tickets are £3 for students caught up with many other ing “men who have had sex with and thought it unlikely that the tion maintains that the ban on and can be purchased from colleges by introducing card a man: even if it is safe sex, or decision to ban the stall would homosexual men is necessary to Kettle’s Yard. systems for the payment of food those who have slept with these encounter widespread support combat the spread of the virus at hall. It is hoped that the cards men” to donate blood to be “insti- from students. Richardson said through transfusions. Literary festival at will prevent lengthy queuing at tutional homophobia”. As a that the NBS had received many At present, the NBS is not Magdalene mealtimes and mean students result, the NBS were not present enquiries from students at experiencing shortages of blood won’t always have to carry at the University this week. While Birmingham who are still eager to stocks. The organisation does, Magdalene College is holding a around cash – something that can the President of the Guild, donate blood. however, stress that is always nec- year-long celebration of writing be inconvenient for those Richard Angell, maintained that Richardson pointed out that essary to ensure the recruitment entitled “A Year In Literature”. studying at colleges out of town. the Guild “respect and appreciate the NBS, and its affiliated bodies of new blood donors, as it is There are more than 50 events The canteens will still be the importance of giving blood” in Scotland, Wales and Northern unsafe to take blood from donors planned as part of the accepting cash for the time being. he was unable to sanction the Ireland, are subject to blood dona- who are over seventy, pregnant, celebration, ranging from ‘bigotry’ of the rules governing tion guidelines drawn up by a or beginning long-term medica- readings and performances to who can donate. Angell argued government regulatory body tion. The NBS hopes to return to that such restrictions tarred gay, based on the latest “epidemiologi- the Birmingham Freshers’ Fair lesbian, bisexual and transgen- cal statistics and research”. While next year. Cross Campus

Protection Act, the university has Oxford coach done nothing to rectify the sit- ‘legless’ before uation. drowning incident It’s a bit grim up An inquest on October 3 heard North that the head coach of an Oxford University rowing team was ‘leg- York University Health Centre is less’ on the eve of an accident in being sued for negligence after which one of her party drowned. nurses missed a patient’s illness Maths postgraduate Leo in March 2003, almost killing him. Blockley drowned when his boat Student Stuart Rudd’s spleen was swamped during a storm on ruptured two weeks after he was the Ebro River near Barcelona in told that he was only suffering 2001. He had previously rowed from a viral infection and sent Looking Grand: Architects released stunning new projections of the new Grand Arcade mall currently under construction along St. for Downing College, home. He collapsed whilst play- Andrew’s Street in Cambridge city centre. The project is due for completion in early 2008. Cambridge. The case was ing cricket and was rushed to recently re-opened when evi- hospital. dence emerged suggesting that the coach Leila Hudson, a former Glasgow kiss for Boat Race cox, had been drunk Edinburgh’s music- the night before the accident. loving students Cambridge Money Matters:

Last all-female A band night at Edinburgh’s stu- Durham college dent union was gatecrashed by tops the table The best banks admits men drunken louts who repeatedly punched and head-butted a stu- Joseph Heaven portion of students entering Amea Koziol St Mary’s College, Durham has dent in the face. Despite the graduate level jobs, percentage ended its 106 year tradition of University stepping up security it of first and 2:1 degrees award- Best Graduation Package single-sex education. The first was the second assault in as Cambridge topped The ed, student/staff ratios and Making income and expenditure Many banks are hesitant to give male student, Christopher many weeks. A spokesman for Sunday Times University dropout rates. The table does balance is tough, but nothing to fear this information, so check out the Arckless from Tyne and Wear, Lothian and Borders Police said league for the eighth year in a not take into account the insti- if you’ve sussed out your bank situation for when you graduate. matriculated this week and was they had yet to arrest anyone. row, consigning Oxford to run- tution’s wealth, something that accounts. To give you an idea of Barclays give the best deal with its followed by 91 other boys within ner-up again. Cambridge is the has allowed Oxford to take first what’s on offer and to choose a bank Graduate Additions account: £3000 the hour. This leaves only four Harvard say it’s ok top-ranked university for both place in tables compiled by The account that best suits you, I’ve interest-free overdraft in the first single-sex university colleges in to go the quality of its teaching and Times and The Guardian awarded my own ‘Oscars’ for the year after university and reduces the the country, all of which are at research. through a higher level of following offers: threshold in steps down to £200 by Oxford or Cambridge. A Harvard University college has The University is ‘pleased’ to spending. your fifth year. This allows you to decided to repeal its policy of not lead the field again and a Sir Howard Davies, Director Best Interest-Free Overdraft pay back what you owe gradually Warwick students funding some student research spokesperson said that of the London School of Facility and costs just £5 per month. Be feeling exposed and travel in countries deemed “Cambridge is a fantastic place Economics, described the guide Halifax ‘’gives you extra” this year warned: most banks have the right to be unsafe by the US state to study, as well as being as "a first-rate guide to Britain's with an overdraft of up to £1,750 in to call in the overdraft and interest Students at Warwick University department. The college had renowned for its research universities". the first year, increasing to up to owed at any time. learned this week that their IT come under pressure from stu- excellence”. £2,100 during your course of study. system had been so poorly dents and departments after it There was no change in the The Sunday Times Table Although overdrafts appear to be Best Perk designed that it allowed “anyone refused to fund travel to places top five institutions.L “free money”; once it is exceeded, Banks have wised up to student with reasonable IT skills” to hack such as Lebanon, Kenya and The table ranked each insti- 1 Cambridge interest rates can vary from five to marketing and realise that tacky in, enabling them to intercept Israel. tution in eight areas: teaching 2 Oxford ten percent, but this only applies to radios and personal organisers are of emails, track conversations and quality and student satisfaction; the amount over the limit. Most limited appeal. Although Barclays view photographs of all the Got cross-campus head teachers' assessment; 3 Imperial College new limits are negotiable and Student Additions account offers a members of the university. It also chums? research quality, A/AS-level 4 LSE Barclays offers a maximum £3000 number of discounts for restaurants allowed hackers to obtain stu- grades achieved by entrants, overdraft at 8.9% APR. This could and National Express travel; I feel dents’ ID numbers. Although this Send their stories to graduate employment and pro- 5 UCL prove cheaper than borrowing Natwest comes up trumps with a contravenes the 2000 Data [email protected] money on a credit card. five year Young Person’s railcard 07.10.05 News Varsity 5 Varsity asks:“Just what makes improving access so complicated?”

The National Foundation for Educational Research has Around 200 applicants turn down their offer from The University, Cusu and Do stories highlighting the found that actual visits to Cambridge are the most effective Cambridge each year. Do some state school students get so colleges all run their own lack of state-schoolers at way to dispel misconceptions. Does the new AS system put off by their Oxbridge interview that they then reject a access schemes. Would it be Cambridge do more harm leave students with less time to consider their choices and place? better to pool resources? than good? without the opportunity to visit universities? “An already crowded lower “The increased level of bureau- “I turned down my place at “Overseas applicants account “Overlap in access work can and “When Cambridge makes it into sixth year does not lend itself cracy faced by schools seems to Oxford because I didn’t have a for about half of our decliners does occur but I think it’s only a the headlines it is all too often to university visits, making any have resulted in fewer replies particularly great time during and we don’t have any data on problem if it happens at the to face accusations of elitism. misconceptions about places to any invitations we send the interview and I didn’t meet what type of school the others expense of coverage.” This can only serve to reinforce like Oxbridge harder to dispel” inviting schools to visit.” anyone I liked.” come from.” Zen Jelenje, CUSU Access the stereotypes access schemes Head of Sixth Form, Bath Hatty Harris, Admissions Jessica Adams, 4th year at University Press Office Officer are trying to dispel.” Tutor at New Hall Imperial Jonny Lloyd, Trinity

Subjects like Classics and History of Art consistently receive Some of the University’s courses are seen as inflexible and dramatically lower numbers of applications from state old-fashioned For others it is the small size of the city and school pupils. Almost 70% of applicants to the Classics lack of nightlife which are off-putting. Is Cambridge too Jessica Adams was just Faculty are from the independent sector. Although this is a stuck in its ways? reflection of the proportion of pupils who take the A-level, one of many students who spoke to Varsity passionately is it accepable? “I enjoyed the interviews at “I had five friends who didn’t about the access problem. She Cambridge and the people apply to Cambridge because turned down a place at Oxford seemed nice enough, but the “At the moment you’d be “We are committed to making the combination of subjects in favour of Imperial because lifestyle in London appealed to unlikely to encourage a year 12 our subject as accessible as pos- they wanted wasn’t available.” of a bad interview experience me more.” student who has never encoint- sible to students from all edu- 2nd year Historian from and the rival course’s promise Anish Bhuva, Medic at St ered the Greek language before cational backgrounds.” Downing College of a year abroad. She has just John’s who initially turned to apply for Classics. But I Dr Richard Miles, Head of returned from Paris for a final down his place before re- think the problem starts lower Admissions at the Classics year’s study in London. down the education system.” Faculty applying Matilda James, 3rd year English student

Downing sheds light on bulldozed bikes Varsity tracks Downing students have com- and that the shed had been in been unforthcoming, “Initially bikes could have been stolen down the best plained that bicycles have gone use “well into the summer”. the college claimed they knew before demolition. Fortunately value bikes missing after a bike shed was Domestic Bursar, Dick Talpin nothing. Later it was suggested the college says that the con- bulldozed during the vacation. denied that the ‘shed’ had even that the contractors had tractors have “generously” Halfords – Apollo XC26 available for Students) The college denies that the area existed, “We allow - but do not removed them.” agreed to pay out for the lost 14”/17”/20” with lights and Mike’s Bikes - Unimoto in question could be described encourage – [students] to leave Some of the bikes have now bikes, although students wish- lock £96.64 Infinity with mudguards lights as a ‘shed’ and rejected respon- bikes in a small locked yard been returned, but damaged, ing to claim will have to find Ben Hayward -Trek T10 and locks at £90 (needs to be sibility. over the summer where we also with lights missing, seats tam- their receipts. with mudguards, no lights ordered day in advance) A third year girl said “return- store scrapped bikes. However, pered with and brakes smashed. The building work was part and no locks £199 Cambridge Cycle centre - ing from the summer we found any storage was at their own Many are unaccounted for. of preparatory work for a proj- Howes Cycles - The classic Storm Optima Hybrid £115 - all the shed demolished and all risk.” The Bursar suggested that, ect of refurbishment and Claud Butler with mudguards mixture of town and moun- the bikes gone”. She said that One of the finalists affected because the storage was near a improved disabled access. and rack (no lights or lock) tain bike with mudguard and there had been “no notification” complained that the college had public right of way, some of the 209.99 (with 10% discount rack (men’s bike only) 6 Varsity News 07.10.05

result of new traffic wardens Charlotte Forbes employed by the city council rather than the police. Fountain barrel Deliveries of beer to the Regent Street pub, the Fountain Inn, have been hampered recently Calling the situation ‘farcical’, after the City of Cambridge Steve Davis, manager of the rolling farce Brewery, who have been deliver- Fountain Inn, also pointed out ing to the pub for eight years, that during necessary drain received a £30 parking ticket for repairs, the drainage company using a taxi rank to unload their had received a ticket. This was barrels. later revoked when the council admitted that the sewer prob- The taxi rank, which is rarely lems represented a health hazard used, was what brewery manag- and required urgent attention. er Steve Draper called the ‘ideal place’ to unload on the busy According to Mr Draper, howev- street to avoid either obstructing er, lorries delivering from large traffic or the nearby zebra cross- breweries in Regent Street are ing and bus stop. He said: ‘We allowed to unload in the bay thought we were doing everyone with the marshals choosing to a favour. We only have seven to turn a blind eye. ‘It seems as eight barrels a week to unload though the marshals are behav- weekdays and can do it in a couple of min- ing very inconsistently and effec- utes there with minimum incon- tively penalising a small local WES STREETING venience. Now we have to park company who are using only a around the corner outside St van.’ Andrew’s Church and roll them along the pavement. Surely this Refusing to comment on the lor- is causing more of a health and ries, a spokesman from the safety problem?’ council’s parking services said sunday that the company needed to find James Cameron, Selwyn JCR President, invites me to do a Freshers’ Talk another way of delivering, such about NUS. This’ll be my fifth Selwyn Freshers’ Talk and I just can’t resist. The 43-yard stretch now means that the unloading lasts in excess as a different time of day. Laura Walsh arrives less than impressed that I’m crashing in on her ‘gig’. Then Although it was acknowledged head back home to put in a few hours work on the NUS response to the gov- of fifteen minutes and requires CUSU provide aids delivery man Rob [blank] to roll that the taxi rank is not in great ernment’s Youth Green Paper, which I am coordinating as part of my NUS demand, it was emphasised that role. the barrels down the busy street. Mr Draper argues that this is the the brewery had broken the law. for college sex monday Arrive in central London at 8.30am for a meeting with the National Union of CUSU have turned to bal- students to ‘gaze longingly Teachers. Liaising with them is another of my NUS roles, but the meeting is Keeping mum loons and amateur dramat- at each other across the cancelled. Head over to NUS National Executive Committee meeting, which ics in a bid to stop the library’ before giving each begins on a severe low with the resignation of my close friend and colleague Rachel Divall er. He retired in 1987 and did spread of sexually transmit- other an array of unpleas- James Knight, President of NUS Wales, following a period of sustained bully- not re-marry, living as some- ted disease. Emails circulat- ant infections. Some actors ing and harassment within and outside the organisation. Lots of tears all It was a case of life imitating thing of a recluse. A neigh- ed around welfare officers took their art very serious- round. NUS is not a nice place to work sometimes and today is a real low art this week as an Oedipal bour said no one had been earlier this week contained ly, with certain colleges point. horror story worthy of allowed to enter his house a short dramatic piece to be organizing several Alfred Hitchcock surfaced in other than one long-trusted performed for new freshers. rehearsals before the big the small Indian town of maid, to whom he has left all The moving script required event. tuesday Siddhavtam Mandal. When his property. Am supposed to be working at my second job today – with a Labour based Syed Abdul Gafoor passed organisation called Progress. However, a nasty eye infection means a take the away his neighbours discov- Even after his mother’s day off sick. Do a bit more work on the Youth Green Paper, but working with ered that he had been keep- death Gafoor looked to her one eye ain’t easy! ing the mummified body of for help with decisions. His his mother, who had died maid has been quoted as twenty years before, in the saying that he never did wednesday house with him. anything without her con- Up in Birmingham today at Aston University for a regional campaign meeting sent: “He used to keep chits about top-up fees on PGCE courses – a pet project I’ve taken from CUSU Cambridge-educated Gafoor, on the coffin case, pick one into NUS! Then drive over to Birmingham University to catch up with their a professor of English, was so and make a decision accord- sabb team and get some work done on the international students campaign, attached to his mother that ingly.” However she did say which is another of my responsibilities. Catch the train back down to London after her death he carefully that she had never been In the evening to meet with some students from Goldsmiths and UCL and preserved her body and frightened by the presence round off the day for a meeting (with some much needed food!) with one of tended to it daily. By coating of the body. the sabbs from LSE about international student immigration issues. the body in wax and treating it with a combination of After making the gruesome chemicals, Gafoor was able discovery locals searched the thursday to prevent it from decom- rest of the house where they Head into the new NUS HQ in Camden. It’s open plan and very swanky! posing. He is reported to found some appropriately Except all the computers were stolen so there’s not much in the way of I.T have displayed the body in a titled literature. These provision! Spend the morning in a Further Education Taskforce meeting from glass coffin. included ‘A Mother’s Love’ ten til one. After lunch I spend the afternoon helping to plan the education pri- and ‘Marriage Once Only’. ority campaign for the year. At the back of my mind was the brilliant article by Locals said Gafoor had been Gafoor’s final wish came Jess Holland in last week’s Varsity, which I show to colleagues. Sufficed to married but that the rela- true when villagers buried say that NUS needs to become the campaigning organisation it once was – tionship had ended in him and his mother together always respected, but never respectable. I hope I’m playing my part in achiev- divorce following a fight next to a local mosque. ing that goal. between his wife and moth-

um of t-shirt slogans that, to me, are of female lust. Or perhaps just a new the epitome of cosmopolitan cool. market to exploit, which now – The girl-transvestite behind the till hooray! – objectifies both genders. incidentally... comes over to cheerfully to explain Unfortunately, the difference in the particular merits of the various attitude of the British Summers jess holland brightly-coloured phallus-shaped (named after the male founder’s sec- things, mostly disguised as rabbit or retary, with an annual turnover now hile wandering around New dolphins or something equally cute, at £110 million) and the American WYork’s Lower East Side this while I mumble that I’m just look- Toys in Babeland is exemplary of summer, sticking to patches ing. wider things. While there are many of shade and idly wondering ‘Have a great night!’ she calls out, (ok, a few) American magazines that whether the Rough Guide’s map was as a customer leaves with a pink see- treat women as capable of intelli- completely out of date or if I was thru vibrating unicorn, or something gence and culture, and deal with sex, even worse at navigating myself similar. Lining the walls are stacks of feminism and sexuality in a grown- around the idiot-friendly grid system zines aimed at people with unortho- up way (check out Bust and Venus in of the city than I thought, I find dox sexualities and their feet planted Borders); the British market in myself at the doorstep (no, really!) of in NYC’s underground, and the women’s magazines is made up legendary feminist sex-shop Toys in whole place feels more like a Le entirely of consumer-goods vehicles Babeland. (A play on the name of Tigre gig than the kind of furtive, doing a strong line in ‘How to please 90’s riot-grrrl band Babes in Toyland, soiled place that you would imagine, your man’ and ‘I love my new labi- but you knew that.) After the initial if… hell, I’ll say it… if men were aplasty’. Being able to pick up a hovering outside like a kid about to involved. Rampant Rabbit on your way to pull a heist in a sweet shop, I walk The women’s sex industry is HMV is one thing but, in my book, it in, feeling the mixture of embarrass- booming right now – you’ll even doesn’t mean mainstream accept- ment, self-consciousness and indig- find an Ann Summers just yards ance of feminity in all its forms and nation (I’m a grown-up! This is the from the age-old austerity of Christ’s guises until you’re sold it by a self- 21st Century!) that seem to accom- College. While it doesn’t have quite identifying butch dyke with a riot- pany these sorts of situations. the progressive attitude of Babeland grrrl haircut (…or at least in a place It’s full of those kind of hipster – you’ll be more likely to find hen- you’re made to feel like more than chicks with straight-across fringes, night L-plates, nurse’s outfits and the sum of your body parts.) And it geek chic black-rim glasses and penis-shaped chocolates than tracts looks as though that’s something we thrift-store clothes, engaging in radi- penned by transgender punks – it British gals are going to have to wait cal protest mostly through the medi- does mark a new level of acceptance a few years for. 07.10.05 Advertisement Varsity 7 8 Features GVarsityI VE07.10.05A DOG A CLONE Missing your favourite pet? ZOE SMEATON considers the possibilty of reincarnation

irefighters Rescue Genetic Savings and Clone in Cambridge says he sees little treatment to make it more like a FHamsters from Flat!’ (GSC) is already offering pet point in cloning pets at the normal egg cell, before being ‘Stand by for Feline Baby- cloning commercially. The price moment. added to the recipient cell. This Boom!’ The blockbuster pet tag is pretty hefty at $32,000, “To clone one pet requires so increases the likelihood that a headlines emblazon the local and unless your animal is a cat many experiments to succeed. It healthy clone will develop and news stands, and along with the you’re going to be out of luck, is hugely wasteful of animals, as so less embryos will be wasted. photos on the mantelpiece (if but it’s certainly a start. huge numbers must die in order The cloning process is now you’re privileged enough to pos- The service offers to replace a to get one embryo surviving,” sufficiently advanced that many sess such a commodity) serve as deceased pet with a genetically he said. experts are not even opposed to a constant reminder of the faith- identical animal, and the first “Furthermore, clones are not its use solely for commercial ful pals we left at home. necessarily direct copies of the reasons and would like to see it But whilst the majority of us originals. For instance their coat put to use elsewhere. don’t cry over our beloved ani- colour pattern may differ from Professor William ‘Twink’ mals, Margot Clarke of the Pet their parents.” Allen, who would like to clone Bereavement Support Service “ Professor Reik explained that competition horses in said they receive thousands of in cloning experiments, a Cambridge, said that he sees no calls every year from people PETS ARE somatic cell (which is not usual- real problems with offering a pet grieving the loss of a pet. PRODUCED BY MAN ly used for reproduction) must cloning service. “That could be either as the IN BREEDING act as an egg cell, so the nucleus He said: “If people want to result of a death or some separa- must be reprogrammed to spend their money on cloning tion, for instance if a relation- PROGRAMMES, SO become dedifferentiated – ie pets, there’s nothing wrong with ship breaks down or someone IF PEOPLE WANT have no specialised function. it.” goes away, even if it’s just to TO SPEND THEIR But as this would never happen “Pets are produced by man in university. MONEY ON to these cells in nature it seems breeding programmes anyway, "At that time a person will that they simply do not know so as long as we husband the miss the love, friendship and CLONING PETS, how to do it correctly. animals correctly there is no loyalty shown to them by a pet. THERE’S NOTHING He said: “All sorts of things problem.” They may even experience feel- WRONG WITH THAT can go wrong. The big challenge Whatever you might think ings of depression which could now is to understand better the about pet cloning though, it at times seem overwhelming. reprogramming process, for could be only a matter of time Then they may need to seek example which enzymes and before it’s available in the UK. help from us.” biochemical mechanisms are Maybe in the not so distant But what if all their problems involved, and this is what I’m future you’ll be storing Rover’s could be solved? Ignore the ”pet ever to be presented to a currently working on.” DNA ready for your own per- minor issue that we’re currently paying client is celebrating his Genetic Savings and Clone sonal copy or even, if you’re not allowed pets in our rooms, first birthday next week. Julie of does attempt to circumvent really keen, having your per- and imagine a world in which Texas received Little Nicky – the some of these problems by using sonal copy of your little brother you could leave your favourite ‘twin’ of her deceased cat Nicky a more advanced chromatin around whilst the original’s still animal at home where it – last year and told the transfer (CT) cloning method, at school. Illustration: Jon Lopez belongs, but also keep a virtual- Associated Press: “He is identi- which it has an exclusive license ly identical copy of your furry cal. His personality is the same.” to use. If you would like to speak to some- friend for yourself. But the fairytale ending In this process, the donor cell one from the pet bereavement sup- >> Professor William ‘Twink’ Allen - p17 Just hop over to America and comes at a price. Professor Wolf from he animal being cloned port service you can call their freep- your dreams could come true - Reik of the Babraham Institute undergoes an additional pre- hone helpline on 0800 096 6606

designs. I took a Velazquez’s audience member in the the- ing the film of a book is short All the painting, Las Meninas, and atre. hand for reading the original, For someone famed for did cut out figures of the dif- it’s a quick fix. And yet I their good looks and their Answers ferent characters in the paint- Following your recent role know when I read a book I elegant Roman nose, what ing and broke it down into a as Marc Antony in Deborah will think of it as a film. I am was your motivation to stage set. That awoke in me Warner’s Julius Caesar, is trying to do this less and less! play the noseless my memories of acting in which Shakespearean role Voldemort in the next school plays and the excite- would like to play in the More recently you have Harry Potter film? Ralph ment I had felt. Suddenly I future? worked with Fernando Well, there you have the came face to face with the fact I would like to play Leontes Meirelles on The Constant scoop – because not many Fiennes that I actually wanted to be from AWinter’s Tale. And Gardener. How did you find people know that he’s nose- an actor, so I joined a local Macbeth, which as a play I see his direction? less. My nose was digitally by acting group. as a kind of cousin to Hamlet. I found it invigorating. I had reduced to fit the snake like When I’m older I would love hoped that his high-energy description of Voldemort in And four of your siblings to play Prospero and King editing style, although not the books. I’m not actually a Andreas also became actors. Lear. Until recently I had right for every film, was right big fan of the books but I was Well that’s the way it’s turned wanted to play Hamlet again, for The Constant Gardener. persuaded to do the role by Wiseman out. When we were young I although it has been thought Fernando’s scouring speed Mike Newell [director] and I don’t think we all went of as a young man’s part – I was great for the film. His had a lot of fun. around thinking we wanted to don’t think we should be editing style can seem abra- Was it an early start for be actors or directors. I think bound by all these naturalistic sive but it’s actually very sub- What’s next? you this morning, or have we grew up in an atmosphere conventions. tle. I’m doing a film with Susan you been taking things in which everything ‘artistic’ Sarandon, directed by Bob easy now that you’re not was encouraged and this in You have been involved in The Constant Gardener is a image.net Balaban, about the famous in rehearsals? some way probably accounts numerous film adaptations British film and deals with multi-millionaire Doris Duke, No, it was an early start, I got for where we are now. of famous literary works – quite radical political who leaves her fortune and up at 6.30am to go to Yoga. I The English Patient, The End issues, so have you been estate to her butler. feel that if I have a day with- Throughout your career of the Affair, Onegin. How surprised with the large out exercise my energy dips you have acted both on do you think film can financial success of the Do you have any advice to and my spirit spirals. I always stage and behind the cam- enhance the experience of film in America? the budding actors in felt very clumsy at drama era – which do you prefer? a literary work? And do I was surprised and delighted. “THERE SEEMS TO Cambridge? school. I thought I had two I want to keep the balance if I you think the film has a Up until recently the main- BE INCREASING It’s very difficult. There will left feet. I’ve worked on feel- can. I certainly don’t like responsibility to the litera- stream American media has be knocks. You have to be ing more physically at ease being away from the theatre. ture it’s adapting? been afraid to make any nois- FRUSTRATION AT determined. It’s a cliché but I since then. In fact, I love the theatre I think the film has to have its es about the Republican THE WAY WE’VE think you really learn your more and more as I get older. own energy; its own inner regime and its obsession with ALL BEEN DUPED skill in the theatre. I believe And before drama school I love the risky nature of it. life. When I was contemplat- corporate power.I think peo- BY THE BIG that with three to four years you were at Chelsea Arts It’s so organic too, which ing adapting Dostoyevsky’s ple are angrier now. There CORPORATIONS in rep you develop a real set College? makes it magical. Five years The Idiot I was talking with seems an increasing frustra- of acting muscles. The theatre Yes that’s right – doing a ago I did seventy-five per- Peter Greenaway. He said tion at the way we’ve all been UNDER THE AEGIS isn’t dead: yes, it’s hard, but foundation course. I had ini- formances of Richard III and it ‘Why do you want to illus- duped by the big corporations OF THE BRITISH that’s part of it. tially thought I was going to was wonderful to see how a trate a perfectly good novel?’ under the aegis of the present AND AMERICAN do a BA in Fine Art but dur- part can change over that There have been great adapta- American and British govern- GOVERNMENTS. Ralph Fiennes stars in Wallace ing that course I got curious amount of time. I do like film; tions but I think Peter was ments. Fundamentally, the and Gromit: The Curse of the about acting. I did some work different types of photography right. Film can’t get it all. It’s success of the film is due to it Were-Rabbit (released October on some paintings and and editing can show you a universe away in the end. I being well made though. It’s 14th) and The Constant reduced them to 3D set angles you cannot get as an think for some people watch- not Hollywood-ised. ” Gardener (release date TBC) 07.10.05 Advertisement Varsity 9 10 Varsity Features 07.10.05 TIMELESS TRENDS Why invest in clothes that will look out of season - and out of style - in six months’ time? BENJ OHAD SEIDLER reviews what’s still on the runway, and will last until next spring.

AUTUMN-WINTER ‘05 CHLOE PROENZA MARNI SPRING-SUMMER VERSACE FENDI BOTTEGA SCHOULER ‘06 VENETA

newfound laid-back atti- Atude continues to per- vade eveningwear. Dresses envelope bodies in wisps of fabric and figures are suggested by a belts and empire waists. Colours are bright and bold as fussiness is abolished.

nna Sui shows that prints Aare best kept subtle and MARC ANNA BURBERRY shapes should be loose to ANNA ANNA MIU JACOBS SUI SUI SUI give the dresses the right MIU amount of swing when in motion. Underneath the layers of dark and heavy ‘Russian Winter’ styling are an array of breezy, voluminous smock dresses fit for a summer walk on the steppe.

he bubble skirt continues Tto distort the silhouette but there is a greater ease and subtler shape on the spring runways. Luella adopts the shape the make a versatile dress suitable for both formals and a punt pic- nic on the Cam.

YVES SAINT MARC LOUIS LUELLA MARNI BURBERRY LAURENT JACOBS VUITTON A SOVIET SALUTE >> P17 FASHION 07.10.05 Features Varsity 11 Michael Derringer Photos: om Kingsley T Graphic:

elcome to the only Chancellor because he did do sums work. If you’re study- Freshers’ Fair and have been It’s been a frantic week of University hello this. It’s also how he won the ing postgraduate Mathematics, crushed by emails they don’t we’re sure you’ll heart of HM Elizabeth. He do sums work? want ever since. Don’t look at it fit right in. You played ‘height.’ She’s only little. There are a lot of cliques and so pessimistically. As you get bops, crawls, fayres and may well never If you have the right air of friendship groups around the these emails from societies you Whave seen a bed and a sink in shy inferiority, it will come University. Although largely have nothing to do with, just Tories in bikinis. Now it’s the same room before. You’ll across as arrogance. This makes anti-social, these are called soci- think of yourself as a voyeur, get used to it. Your bed is small you more attractive. eties. You’ll probably have been not a victim. all over for another year. and weak. You forgot to bring a Feel secure in the knowledge to the Freshers’ Fair and how They say the people you pen. Well done on your A-lev- that not knowing you are many of these there are – cur- meet here will be your friends els. attractive makes you attractive. rently one per student. There’s a for the rest of your life. This is You may well feel inferior to Feel insecure in the knowledge society out there with your testament to the strength of people around you. Identify that you are attractive, because name on it. Possibly literally. many friendships made here, LUKE ROBERTS gently your own strong areas and it means you’re not. People will have warned you but it must be admitted that, other people’s weak areas, and Stop worrying about being about signing up for mailing statistically, it is partly due to eases the Freshers in. play it like Top Trumps. The attractive and do some work. If lists, saying they signed up for Cambridge University’s high Chancellor (Prince Philip) is you’re studying Mathematics, too many societies at the suicide rate. EXCLUSIVE: ‘Fresher’ from the frontline quizzes Freshers’ Fair Great and Good

From: [email protected] From: [email protected] Sent: 04 October 2005 20:20 “I’m afraid I missed the Sent: 04 October 2005 20:20 Oliver To: chairman@union To: [email protected] Subject: Membership? fresher’s fair because Subject: Freshers' Squash? “Is this the From: Jennifer Scott Hi, Sent: 05 Oct 2005 07:43:23 I got a disease” Hello! done thing?” I missed the Freshers’ fair To: [email protected] I'm afraid I missed the because of some appoint- Subject: re: Membership? From: [email protected] fresher's fair because I got ments I couldn’t legitimately Sent: 04 October 2005 20:56 a disease. I'm so upset miss, but was quite interested Dear Oliver, To: president@adc about it!!! I'm really keen to From: Laurie Fitzjohn-Sykes in the Union so thought I’d try Subject: Membership? get some information on the Sent: Wed, 5 Oct 2005 11:36 and get in touch. Hope this is Check out our website to From: Benjamin Deery Conservative Association. To: [email protected] Cragg ok? I don’t know if it’s the done see what's going on this Hello!!! Sent: Wed, 5 Oct 2005 02:14 Do you have a squash Subject: re: Freshers' thing? term: www.cambridge- I missed the Freshers’ To: [email protected] sometime I heard you had a Squash? It’s a lot of money to join, so union.org Fair… because I was too Subject: re: Membership? hot girl flyering in a bikini i want to make sure joining We generally host the box- busy acting! (That’s not top with union jacks on it!! Hi, would be right for me. How fre- ing, but don't organise it - i'm true, but I do love to act!) Hey Oli, I'm soooo cross I wasn't Sorry you missed it, I hope quent are your speakers? Do not sure of the CU boxing My friend went and Thanks for getting in touch! there!! How many women you feel better. You also they just speak, or do they clubs address. showed me the email It's great to hear that you're are there in the CUCA? Will missed out remote control sometimes show off their tal- There's a freshers debate address, so I’m emailing to interested in getting involved. I meet a lot if I join? What blimp which we were flying ents a bit? Would I enjoy your on Thurs at 8pm (be there at find out what I should do to I'm afraid though that was that girl's name? around and crashing into the speakers this term? I'm liberal 7.30), a bop on Fri (9pm) and act in Cambridge? I under- you've been slightly misin- My parents are both Labour stand! leaning and like Popstars, I a squash on wed 12th (7pm). stand there’s all the formed - we are in fact audi- Conservative and I guess I Most of CUCA supports guess. Take your pick! actresses’ auditions this tioning actors of any gender am too. What do you think Ken Clarke, so glad you do I also understand you do Also, £85 for life works out weekend, so when are you (though I assume there are are the CUCA's best poli- too. Our squash is Monday boxing every now and then!! I about 80p a week whilst at auditioning for men? only two) this weekend for our cies? I think it's daft not to 10th 7pm in the Bateman room tried to get boxing back in my cam on a 3 year degree, and I think you should maybe Freshers’ Show: information elect Ken Clarke. Cauis college, so come along school but couldn't. I think it's just look at all you get for have put them all on the about the Freshers’ Shows Oh! I know I'm playing and you can discuss all the really great to have boxing, that! same weekend - but I can can be found here... devil's advocate, but what policies as much as you like. expecially now the government see your point. I was the In addition, I include below do you thin kare the conser- Personally with both my par- have forced hitting out of the Jen best actor in my school, tonights actors list, which vative's *worst* policies? ents in the NHS I don't think home and the schoolyard. but I don’t know if I will be includes not only info about Because I know Labour much of Labour’s NHS poli- Maybe you have a squash or here. Is the best actor the the Freshers' show auditions, have some really good ones cies. I think the patients pass- something i can come along Actors’ Rep or the but all the auditions which are (like the NHS) so you must port is the only way to deliver to? Let me know please. President? taking place this weekend. fall down on that one. significant improvements in the But I’m really keen to get Finally, I've cc-ed this e-mail Sorry for rambling, look NHS. Oliver Cragg into this term’s play. to our actors reps Charlie and forward to hearing from I look forward to seeing you “Is the PLEASE! Let me know Sarah, so please do feel free to you, at the squash on Monday. what I should do! make contact with them if you best actor have any further questions. Oliver Cragg Laurie Thank you so much, the Actors’ Rep Thanks, or the President?” Oli Ben. “Will I meet lots of girls if I join?” 12 Varsity Features 07.10.05 buyer’s guide: sparkling wine VARSITY an, “I’m sorry, Jasper,” I said. “I know it must be BLUES Membarrassing for you, but ##### I happen to like this bad set. I like Ridgeview Merret getting drunk at luncheon, and Bloomsbury 2002 though I haven’t yet spent quite Waitrose The Varsity Restaurant - review by Anthony Marlowe double my allowance, I undoubt- £ 15.95 edly shall before the end of term. I Winner of World Wide Trophy hain restaurants exist for a er well. we asked a waitress, who usuallyhaveaglassofchampagne for Best Sparkling Wine at the reason: consistency. You Others had the rather uninter- responded with a scowl, stomping about this time. will you join me?”. International Wine and Spirit Cknow what you're going to esting looking sirloin steak, a off whilst muttering what were With this quote from £16 Competition 2005, this British get, even if it's not going to be choice generally agreed to be a presumably Greek swear-words Brideshead Revisited firmly bubbly has been hailed as that good. They typically offer good, if not great one. Prices were under her breath. embedded in some people’s view as“England’s answer to better value for money, as their reasonable, although the restau- Being British, we were at a loss of Oxbridge life, it is no wonder that Champagne” by the Sunday overall costs become lower than rant appeared to be compensating what to do. If only we’d had an the average Cambridge student Times Wine Club. Relatively independent restaurants’. But for this by making drinks rather American ally, or someone simi- blushes slightly on admitting to our cheap too, it is well worth a that, of course, is not always the expensive. larly well-versed in complaining. university of choice! On the other try. case. Yet, I will never go back. A Eventually, and to our great relief, hand, we do seem to get a good However, it is possible to give a restaurant is far more that its food a manager arrived. While we were number of opportunities to drink restaurant like Nando’s a good and prices, and a case can be anticipating a swift rectification, bubbly, particularly in Fresher’s review, because it delivers on its made that the most important he insisted we must have forgot- week, so a little background might promises: roasted chicken, hot ten to order the steak (not true), help. ##### sauce and a low bill. Just down and informed us that it would be Champagne comes from Jansz Brut NV the road, however, is a different at least twenty minutes until our France’s most Northerly wine Around £8 matter. friend received his steak, as the growing region, an area where Cambridge Wine Greek food does not have the kitchen was busy. He too scowled, grapes struggle to ripen and any Merchants, Oddbins best reputation in culinary circles. “WHEN I SAY BAD, I offering a bowl of olives to keep still wine produced tastes like Sadly we need an excuse to England’s primary gastronomic MEAN COLIN FAR- our friend busy while the rest concentrated lemon juice. £8 drink Champagne but at relationship with our Hellenic were eating. One forgotten dish is Fortunately, a monk named Dom around £8 per bottle we can counterparts seems rooted in the RELL IN ALEXANDER no reason to blackball a restau- Perignon came to the rescue probably get away with this one ‘nibbles’ aspect of dining. While BAD rant. But in Varsity’s case, it is around 1700. The aforemen- more regularly. Produced in Taramasalata, humous and feta indicative of the consistently tioned monk spent his life investi- Tasmania, this rich, fruity bub- have good credentials, they do unfriendly, unprofessional service gating why bottles from bly has been known to beat not in themselves make for a on offer, which killed with clinical Champagne (not a sparkling more expensive Champagnes high-quality menu. Greek food precision any atmosphere that wine at this time) were in the habit when tasted blind. itself can of course be excellent - t characteristic of a good restau- might have been permitted of exploding. He traced it to yeast Britain's relationship with it just rant is its service. A restaurant The feeling when presented left in the wine which caused a seems rather stunted. with mediocre food can make its with the (now rather large) bill second fermentation in the bottle It was, then, with high hopes ”patrons leave having had an was: don't eat at Varsity, it's more (the process which now gives the ##### that I visited the Varsity enjoyable time, if allowed to feel hassle that it's worth. fizz). Stronger bottles that could Moscato del Piemonte Restaurant. It has a reputation as relaxed and never having to wait hold the pressure were intro- Gemma one of a few ideal student restau- too long for orders. But nothing In a Nutshell duced. The Dom also started £4.29 rants. Supposedly, it offers consis- short of food poisoning is worse Open: 12-2.30 and 5.30-10.45, ‘degorgement’ to remove the Oddbins tently good-quality food and than bad service. All day on Weekends traces of yeast. This involves £4 Many people find Champagne atmosphere, with a bill just about Here I would like to add that Contact: 01223 356060 gradually inverting the bottle so too tart so why not try this affordable for celebrations, or rea- when I say bad, I mean Colin Price: around £34 for two people, sediment gathers in the neck. moderately sweet and delicate- sonable for when the parents Farrell in Alexander bad: awful. It's two courses without booze This is removed as a plug of ice ly sparkling wine from Italy? At come down to take their beloved forgivable when food is delayed, Food highlight: the lamb dishes by freezing the neck in brine and 5% alcohol, you needn’t worry to dinner. Varsity, however, even forgivable when some food is in general. Fillet steak also well opening the bottle. Once this is about getting drunk at lunch- unlike Nando's or McDonalds, forgotten, so long as apologies are done and reasonably priced. done, all that remains is to add eon either! doesn't deliver on its promises. made and the mistake promptly Wine: nothing special, house the dosage (sugar to sweeten the Generally, the food wasn’t bad. corrected. But Varsity Restaurant’s drinkable but that’s about it. wine) and to re-cork the bottle! Lionel Nierop & Wendy Tsang The starters were boring, but tasty service was consistently bad. Out Man Pun enough. I had an extremely good of seven orders, one main course Ratings main course of confit lamb, was forgotten, with no apology, Food 6/10 which, when accompanied by nor explanation offered. Fearing Value 4/10 classic Greek herbs, came togeth- the food simply would not arrive, Atmosphere 2/10 07.10.05 Features Varsity 13 SMOOTHTOP BLOKE, KIMAND A‘N’ ALL BENJ OHAD SEIDLER meets KIM JONES, the man who made Topman cool again

here is nothing unusual which is really nice. People are way can allow for plays on propor- case. I don’t think you should dis- was so disposable when it got to Tabout the appearance of the really self motivated and it’s really tion that challenge buyers. He miss anything.” the store, but I can see people still man who introduces himself exciting to see that energy there.” points out a wearable pair of sweat Jones’s all-encompassing mind- wearing it and it still looks good.” to me as Kim Jones. The designer It was after a very successful pants and juxtaposes it with an set does not apply, however, to the Topman is affordable and ubiqui- behind the success of Topman, Kim graduate menswear show at awe-inspiring cropped hoodie. The ‘council estate chic’ label he gar- tous yet profoundly creative. It is, Jones Menswear and, most recent- Central St. Martins that Jones was trousers will sell, but it is the hood- nered while designing for Topman. perhaps, the ultimate fashion pop ly, Umbro by Kim Jones, is an offered a series of consultancies ie that will make the look. “I don’t like that term at all,” he art. Jones does not care if that average bloke tucked comfortably designing for other companies. It When asked anything remotely protests, “I think it’s because I’m stripy Topman sweater that can be into a baby blue Ralph Lauren was at the behest of his fashionista philosophical about the dogma of British and the guys I use to model found in every Cambridge boy’s hoodie and an old pair of jeans. friends (like Dazed and Confused’s fashion, Jones shows his mortal that people use that term. I think wardrobe is treasured as a Kim But then he speaks, and I realise Nicola Formichetti) that he was side. Fashion and art - what’s the that’s only ever mentioned in Jones creation, “if people buy it just that Kim Jones is about as average finally convinced to start his own connection? Is fashion an art form? British press and it’s poor journal- because they really like it then that as the Bowery stage costumes dec- label. His ethos is that clothes must Do the clothes mean anything? “I ism to give a label like that.” means its good.” Hedi Slimane’s orating the living room of his plush be wearable and look commercial don’t know. I get a bit lost on things The designer acknowledges that work for Dior is cool because it’s Maida Vale apartment. His words in the showroom, but that the run- like that. It’s really hard to explain the main obstacle in men’s fashion Dior, and has Pete Doherty and the drone like monastic chanting, and I sometimes because to me every- is the idea of fashion itself, “I don’t eternal rock stars as its face. Kim feel like I am at the altar of the high thing’s so visual. I don’t get time to know but there’s an association Jones design is more anonymous priest of menswear. I am handed analyse what I’m doing. I reference made that when you put men on and so much more desirable, or at the book (his autumn-winter a lot of things, as everyone does, the catwalk it looks gay.” So Kim least approachable, for that reason. book) and listen to the gospel “ but I take the things I love, pull Jones the missionary is trying to After a quick photo shoot on his according to Kim. CLOTHES ARE them together and mix them up. make all men relate to his work by roof terrace, I walk back through “I was born in London and grew THE MOST What’s in my head just comes out.” addressing the models first, “there the apartment. I step on the “three up all over the world, in Africa, DISPOSABLE Talk of Jeff Koons and Andy have been loads of skinny models hundred year old carpets from South America and the Caribbean. Warhol weaves through our con- and realistically not everyone’s Kazakhstan” and past a woolly I came back to England when I was PART OF versation and the idea of the facto- really skinny. I think you have to jumper that once belonged to Sid sixteen and did my A-Levels. I later IT ALL ry and the spectacle loom high in be approachable. If you look at Vicious and his words chime like went to Camberwell School of Art Jones’s work, which he says him- these guys, they’re obviously in bells in my ear, “I just love beauti- to study graphic design, which I self owes a lot to pop art. “When good shape, but many men will ful things.” It takes a glance at a really didn’t enjoy. It was just so you start out, I don’t think clothes still think ‘I could wear that,’ photograph of a man holding an boring. There were a lot of middle- are the most important part because they see that shape would unusually large fish on my way out aged women who were recently ” because now it’s about creating an flatter them like it flatters the mod- to remind me that Kim Jones’s divorced and did the course to dis- image. I think about the bigger els.” beauty is not always ‘normal’, but cover themselves. It felt like a craft scale of things. I work backwards, Simply looking at the spectrum therein lies his particular gift : con- fair.” beginning by thinking how I want of stripy sweaters you see in the verting the extraordinary into the “I was always into fashion, via to show the collection,” the design- streets these days, one can notice real and the relevant. the magazines. I was twelve when er explains. It’s not about being how men have accepted bold I started reading The Face and i-D. more of a stylist than a designer, its colour in a big way in the past few Kim Jones is available at Browns I decided to do an MA in about being a different breed of years. His collection may have got- and Harrods in London. More menswear, and went to St. Martins designer to the one that sweats and ten him press in i-D, but his work information available on with a sketchbook I did in two bleeds over a pattern at two in the for Topman made his clothes rele- www.kimjones.com weeks. I did the interview and got morning, every morning. He spec- vant to the high street. “I loved in. I felt like I was finally doing the ulates, “I was not really trained in doing Topman,” he says, “they let Clockwise from left: Kim Jones, Umbro right thing. You know when some- making clothes and that’s good me do what I want. With Topman by Kim Jones Spring 2006, Kim Jones thing just clicks into place? It was because it makes you freer. But I did things that I would never do Spring 2006, Kim Jones Winter 2005 like that. I even teach there now, you have to look at things case by with my own collection because it

Benevolent missives from our man in the pulpit

here is an idea of an is rumoured to have lifted And now to the unfortunate T“Oxford Secret”: a piece major chunks of a student's gaucherie of a famous ex- of gossip that you can essay, publishing them in what King’s student booker-nominee only tell one person at a time. another of his charges terms a ( who shall remain nameless). Then there is the idea of the 'totally rubbish' book? The pla- Her inimitable, rolling display “Cambridge secret”: so pre- giarised student kept from kick- of “malodorous bohemianism” cious that it may not be told in ing up a fuss for fear of jeopar- - as the Guardian dubbed her a College Bar or canteen, but dising their future academic proclivities last year- is alleged must be bandied at will in career...at a (familiar) to have reached new heights one’s own room. Or indeed, in American Ivy League universi- recently with one of Ely’s own this column. Such is the main ty. acolytes, and later repairing to premise of The Bishop of Ely. another space, a spliff was apparently rolled. It was passed around a number of revellers, Shame on the two law stu- before coming to rest in the lap dents disallowed from college of our multiculturalist heroine. property after telling a femi- She proclaimed (with a laconic nist female fellow that she was “Which famous turn of phrase sadly missed in 'fit' while out celebrating the fellow with high- her recently lauded novels): end of exams last term. A year “I’ve got to be up early tomor- spent buried in the books was- level influence at row; better get to bed,” and n’t totally for nothing, though an Ivy league promptly smoked the final two - one threatened to ‘sue thirds of the joint in a frenzied

Varsity within an inch of [our] university lifted succession of avid mini-puffs. lives’ if we mentioned his major chunks of This is not the way in which a smutty misdemeanour. supposed flaneur well versed in a student’s“ bohemian practice should legit- essay? imately be allowed to behave. Which famous fellow with 1920s Berliners would have at high-level influence at an least used a monkey. American Ivy league university 14 Varsity Features 07.10.05 PLAIN MEAN THE Turning on my computer NASTY brings up a screen saying ‘Windows Me’. Is this some kind of self diagnosis? No. ‘Me’ is an edition of the Microsoft Windows operat- IRREPRESSIBLE ing system. What do you BITCHY mean by self-diagnosis? It seems to be suffering from a debilitating illness that means doing even everyday tasks like open- BLUNT ing a window can be a struggle. It didn’t used to be like this. Windows Me, like all Microsoft operating systems, NICE is prone to infection from LYNN spyware. Even Windows XP, Microsoft’s latest release, can be crippled within a few LOVELY hours of internet use if pre- cautions are not taken. Hmm… spyware, the inter- net, Microsoft. I sense a conspiracy theory coming on; it involves the CIA and a covert operation to infil- trate my Cambridge Assassins cell. Not exactly. Spyware is installed on your computer Observer whilst you browse the inter- With her blunt portrayals of interviewees, the ’s LYNN BARBER net or install (supposedly) free software. It sits on your makes no compromises. EMILY STOKES turns the tables over tea computer monitoring the websites you visit, sending ynn Barber lives on a quiet thinks people mostly use it to gives a difficult interview, she crashing bore’ and she thinks information back to its cre- road in North London in a manipulate interviewers: ‘They says, ‘I feel at the end of it that that Jim Naughtie of the Today ators. They use this to target Llarge Victorian house with a never say, ‘off the record I’ve was worth doing, whereas with Programme talks too much. adverts at you, often making pink hallway, a yellow living murdered my wife’, they say ‘off an actor I just think ‘bugger I become aware that I am them pop up when you room, a cat and an excess of the record I’ve given millions of you.’’ She describes an interview rather ponderous and prone to browse to certain pages. books on her coffee table. pounds to charity.’ with John Thaw that went so pausing before asking my next On the top of that pile is She, more than most newspa- badly that she couldn’t write it question – usually for fear of But surely they want me to Richard and Judy’s new book on per interviewers, is unafraid of up: ‘It really was just ‘yes-no- interrupting my interviewee. actually be able to use my wine; she is interviewing them making herself a part of the sub- yes-no-yes-no,’ she says, rolling Lynn Barber, on the other hand, computer in the first place, tomorrow. She has done before, ject of the interview, although her eyes. fills every moment with words: ‘I otherwise how will they three years ago, and heard after- she doesn’t like the idea of that: don’t believe in silence. I believe find out what sites I visit? wards that ‘they were furiously ‘It makes it sound as though the he interviewer is set on in every minute counting.’ In Very insightful - that is upset because I had said some- interview is about me. I just being a good interviewee any silence lasting longer than indeed the spyware paradox. thing about Richard’s slightly want it to convey the transaction Tfor me today, and is well three seconds, she will seize the The problem is one of critical spivvy appearance. So I got word between us and therefore the aware of the pleasure I am taking initiative and ask me a question: mass. If there were only one back that I was never to inter- ‘me’ has to be a real person, not in her indiscretions. Almost ‘So who have you interviewed so piece of spyware on a com- view them again’. She thinks just a generalised person.’ She involuntarily now, she seems to far?’ she chirps. puter, it would probably they must have either forgotten likes the idea of a fair business- be rifling through her mental Part of Barber’s talent is her function fairly normally, but who she is or forgiven her. Either like ‘transaction’ in an interview: database of past interviews to confidence in being able to inter- because there are so many way, she will not be moved by ‘They’re trying to plug their book find a good anecdote. She waves view anyone, and, more often pieces that exploit the same any of Richard’s complaints. or film, I’m trying to learn some- her cigarette in excitement: than not, her editor decides who security holes it is very rare Lynn Barber’s speaking voice thing about their character.’ ‘Ooh! I’ll tell you something she interviews: ‘Certainly now, just to find one on its own. is unmistakeably upper-middle- Lynn quickly dismisses the that’s a really good exclusive. when I’m so much older than class. Her well-spoken eloquence idea that her less favourable por- You know I did a very good the Observer’s readership, I need Right. So how are we should not be confused with trayals might somehow consti- interview with Marianne someone else to say who the going to get some double- haughtiness, however, since her tute a personal betrayal of the Faithfull. Did you read that one? readers will be interested in . I agent action going on? manner is immediately warm, interviewee. ‘Lots of people ask That’s one I’m really pleased quite like the idea of just being There are three steps to and genial. She isn’t mumsy this question – it does seem with. She was a monster.’ (I nod; pointed at someone and getting keeping your computer spy- (although a mother of two), but weird to me. Of course it’s not a the interview in question fea- on with it.’ The result of this is ware free. First, keep instead rather girlish, and she has betrayal because if I meet some- tured a description of a photo occasionally hilarious; the inter- Windows up-to-date by a tendency to giggle at what she one for the first time, they’re not shoot with David Bailey in which view with DJ Goldie is mainly using Windows Update. Go is about to say before she has said my dearest friend.’ Lynn Barber Marianne ‘is sprawling with her focused around her initial ‘com- to Start > All Programs and it. likes interviewing celebrities – legs wide apart, her black satin plete incomprehension’ at his looking at the top of the list. Her giggle is very infectious, ‘media-hardened people, who crotch glinting between her ‘ghetto’ language. The second is to install some and I cannot help myself laugh- are used to doing zillions of inter- scrawny 55-year-old thighs, But ultimately Lynn Barber’s anti spyware programs like ing at the story about Richard views’ – because she feels she can doing sex kitten mews at the project is to write, and so the Ad-Aware or Microsoft’s and Judy, but she seems more ask them whatever she likes, camera.’) more difficult or strange the

AntiSpyware program. The exasperated. I also titter when without any sense of guilt, Barber explains that she interview, the better. She has third, and perhaps most cru- Lynn tells me her reaction to whereas she feels that “‘real peo- recently met an interviewer from written a short piece for Granta, cial step, is to install Mozilla Helena Bonham Carter’s outrage ple’ might not have the courage the Irish Independent who had ‘An Education,’ which is about to Firefox. when the journalist famously to say ‘I’m not telling you.’” just interviewed Marianne be made into a film by Nick commented on her moustache: And she frequently does ask Faithfull himself. ‘Well, this Hornby, and, she says, ‘I’m That sounds vaguely bar- ‘The piece was three thousand ” them whatever she likes: she interviewer said to Marianne meant to be writing more of a baric. words saying ‘she’s lovely, she’s became an ‘unembarrassed inter- Faithful, ‘You and Lynn Barber sort of memoir, but I must say I Quite the opposite in fact. It gorgeous,’ and then she gets viewer’, she says, at her first job didn’t get on, did you?’ and haven’t made much progress. is a free web browser made upset about something like that!’ at Penthouse magazine doing an apparently Marianne Faithfull I’m terribly lazy apart from any- by an online community of Lynn Barber goes on, as if excus- interviews column about ‘trans- said, ‘No, because she asked me if thing else.’ programmers who decided ing herself further: ‘I mean, she’s vestites and transsexuals and it was true that I had ever fucked Really what I do is interviews that Internet Explorer and like Frida Kahlo or something. gays (you know, when it was still a dog.’’ Lynn Barber leaves a because it gives me something to Microsoft’s monopoly had to She’s just a hairy woman.’ illegal to be gay) and prostitutes – pause for dramatic effect. ‘I write,’ she says. I suspect that at be stopped. Not only is it When she began writing for IT’S that sort of thing.’ mean, that is a real lie, it’s a bla- times her need to write a good almost immune to spyware it the Independent in 1990, Lynn Today, she still likes a chal- tant lie and I said that if to the story might, at times, add fiction- is also far more advanced Barber became known as RIDICULOUS, lenge. ‘People I get on well with newspaper that if they ever print al elements to her interviews. I than Internet Explorer.I ‘Demon Barber’ or ‘Hatchet are irascible, difficult, shouty, that, I would be happy to sue for begin to wonder whether I have could go on for hours about Woman’ . It’s not that she simply ANY bad-tempered people. Between libel.’ turned her into a fictional char- its brilliant features. enjoys writing about how awful ourselves, I think it’s because my Lynn Barber is certainly giving acter by writing her down; someone is (although i suspect CRAPPY father’s like that.’ She has inter- me an easy ride, but I cannot despite her being a central char- I think I’ll visit the website. she does takes a little pleasure in viewed hundreds of visual artists, help but feel that I am stumbling acter in her own interviews, I’m

Good idea. Try: it), it’s rather that she writes LITTLE and is now friends with Tracey through this interview in a way not sure how much she’ll like www.mozilla.org about the things that most inter- Emin, who took her around the that doesn’t impress her very other people’s versions of her. www.microsoft.com and viewers wouldn’t touch. ACTOR CAN Venice Biennale (she has, wrote much. I am more conscious of And unfortunately for me, there www.lavasoftusa.com/soft- For Lynn Barber, the way that Lynn Barber, ‘a truffle nose for my style of interviewing than I is something terribly attractive ware/adaware someone behaves during a photo GET AN parties.’) ‘I feel very strongly that have ever been, despite trying to about her that makes you want shoot, or how much they tip the “ artists are under-interviewed persuade myself that this is just her to like you. A few days later I Doug waiter at lunch, is often more INTERVIEW compared with other people. I an informal chat ‘to get some receive an email from her that McMahon important than what they say mean it seems absolutely ridicu- advice on a career in journalism’. makes me feel a little nervous: ‘If about their new film or painting. lous to me that any crappy little Barber is harsh when judging you write something about me She doesn’t believe in things actor can get an interview. other interviewers’ styles; she for Varsity, please let me see it - being ‘off the record’ because she They’re so boring!’ If an artist once called Michael Parkinson ‘a no screams of rage, I promise.’ 07.10.05 Features Varsity 15 Mirror, Mirror 02. Skincare for beginners

Step One: You are what you eat. Step Five: Regime to challenge Without meaning to sound like Mao Press a hot cloth to your face that irksome woman who loves to stimulate blood vessels, open poo, it’s true. Eat five portions of pores and encourage trapped fruit and veg a day, especially vapours of Apple VK to surface. those bursting with antioxidants. Apply a cleanser to…cleanse. Do Blueberries, strawberries and your research; find one that’s stal- leafy greens will all do. It’ll help wart, but gentle enough so it cellular regeneration and fight free doesn’t do a nutty and breakout in radical damage, leaving skin so compensation to its abuse. radiant your girlfriends could bask Toning rebalances the skin’s pH, in its glow. allowing moisturiser to work in its Drink two litres of water a day optimum environment. The best for superior cellular metabolism, toners are Clarins, Decleor or with the added bonus of keeping Sisley; alcohol free and smell like a you awake in lectures because pleasant meander through Kew you’ll really need to pee. Step Two: Find your HGP Jennifer Aniston was born worth it. Most mortals do need a little assistance beyond soap and water. Although spending hun- dreds on products may make you feel like a child at a present- receiving function, much better to spend smartly on fewer Holy Grail Products. Step Three: Use the range It’ll take time to find your range, Gardens since they are derived but once you have done, try not to from plant extracts. Perhaps more mix products. They often work suited to student budgets, Boots’ differently: some teen ranges (e.g. Botanics range has a similar Clearasil) use chemicals (salicylic ethos, and does the job very well acid or benzoyl peroxide) to fight indeed. Moisturiser seals your breakouts, whereas Decleor uses skin, protecting it from pollution natural plant extracts only. The and sun. It will rehydrate and two aren’t compatible and will smoothe skin, until supple and work against each other. generally baby-bottom-like. Step Three: Invest, invest, invest Step Six: Always, always A simple cost analysis: 20 new remove make-up. products a month that don’t work Facial wipes by Simple are good or a few, slightly more expensive for a budget (£2.71, Boots), effec- ones that do. Inspired. tive and can even be used after a particularly heavy Cindies. Follow Step Four: Ask for samples these simple steps you too can be Try out a range before committing. really, really ridiculously good The counter girl is slipping them looking. into her handbag at the end of the day too; I’m sure she’d be happy to distribute some love. Charlotte Tan

quick recipe

Toasted goats cheese & crisp bacon salad with fresh figs & walnuts With Autumn approaching, try creating this exciting seasonal salad that serves two. Ingredients Instructions 2 fresh figs (Market square, 5 Salad or £1) 1-7 mins - Chop bacon into 90g Goats Cheese (Sainsburys strips; fry in oil until crispy. Deli Counter) 7-8 mins - Place salad leaves 4 rashers smoked bacon in bowl & toss with dressing. Honey dressing (buy this pre- 8-12 mins - Grill cheese until it made or see below) begins to melt. 1 bag of salad leaves 12-13 mins - Chop figs into Small handful of walnuts, quarters. chopped coarsely 13-15 minutes Place salad 2 tsp oil onto a plate, scatter walnuts & bacon. Place cheese & 4 fig You will need quarters on top. This Soviet Salute 1 knife Frying pan Honey Dressing Grill 1tbsp balsamic vinegar Was styled and photographed by Quentin Jones. Large Bowl 3tbsp Olive oil 1/2 tsp mustard Serve with 1 tsp honey A fresh baguette Whisk together all ingredients

Jenna braves the elements in a coat (£85) and tie (£7) from Rokit and a blouse (£30) from Lionel Nierop Topshop. Jackson dares to wear a fur hat (£50) and shirt (£35) from Episode and a Burberry mac. 16 Varsity Advertisement 07.10.05 07.10.05 Comment Varsity 17

CAMBRIDGE EQUINE FERTILITY EXPERT Professor William My Summer of Sudoku ‘Twink’ Allen

ith a mixture of petty Bowers vindictiveness and Mary Wpolitical timidity, Caroline Flint MP, the political boss of the Animals (Scientific elcome back, clock ready for your 5am Procedures) Inspectorate of the industrious stu- shower? Home Office, has finally banned Wdents of Not I: I fully intend to the University’s Equine Fertility Cambridge! Welcome continue my summer- Unit from attempting to clone back from digging wells regime-of-slack by com- horses by nuclear transfer. of fresh water for a small pleting the easy Times This was after three years of Thai community, planting Sudoku every day (one constant applying, appealing trees to prevent soil ero- day I shall reach my and re-applying, during which sion wiping out a small zenith by completing the Dr Xihe Li, senior embryologist Peruvian village and sav- fiendish one. And I’ll at the Equine Fertility Unit, ing young teenagers from email it to them before worked diligently and success- themselves on a drug- noon to win cham- fully to perfect the technique in addled estate in deepest pagne). I will make time the lab. Salford (and that was all to sit in the bar and con- Ms Flint - a London-born before some of us had tinue my weekly Lost raven-haired ‘Blair babe’ - stated even picked up the viewings (will the blonde as her reason for refusing per- phone to vote Derek out one finally reveal the mission that ‘the potential bene- of Big Brother). hair-straighteners she’s fits do not match or exceed the Welcome back, been hoarding these last likely animal welfare costs’. Lawyers everywhere, five weeks?). And what To date, though, in Italy and from hours in front of is more, this pleasant North America, five cloned flickering screens in new timetable will leave horses and three cloned mules sweaty offices, peeling off me happy and fulfilled to have been born alive and crisp pin-striped suit the extent that I will healthy since 2002 and, at the jackets in the desperate inspire others to follow time of writing, eight pregnan- attempt to claw your way in my footsteps. The Pied cies in Texas and a further ten in out of the students Piedler of Cambridge California are past 100 days of debtors pit and onto the they will call me. gestation and seem to be pro- first rungs of the ladder Thousands will flock to ceeding normally. to corporate heaven (the my banner and within Some of these may be abort- rest of us are set for dole- the year, an extra-curric- ed, but from past results, any queue hell). ular hell mouth will have such abortions are likely to All over Cambridge, opened up (probably occur before mid-gestation and Latvian wall hangings over Churchill) and swal- will be of little or no concern or have been cautiously lowed the remaining discomfort to the mare. And unfolded from suitcases, fragments of the society half or more of the pregnancies those naughty stories you “So that’s it. No more societies. No more army. will proceed safely to term with hinted over your mass So that’s it. No more the birth of live and healthy emails about that lost rehearsals. No more language seminars.” societies. No more foals, thereby increasing the weekend in Shanghai rehearsals. No more extra validity and efficiency of the have been extrapolated language seminars (OK, technique. and photos of you posing don’t know what I’m Wurlies into balancing stand. Writing for this the afternoon before so I never did this last So why clone horses anyway? with a thousand grubby talking about, go back to the books for the zoologi- newspaper can only be dashing off to rehearsals one). I am putting myself In a word, the ‘gelding prob- little street-child faces your Argentinean worry cal-based music society at beneficial to your health for that new Alan Bennet on a strict regime of lem’. In the non-racehorse have been pinned up on beads. It’ll be fine). And Girton? It has happened and well-being). play you’re doing at the slackness, confined to the sporthorse world (eg showjump- bedroom walls. I’m proud. Officially I am to the best of us. But Who, after all, says ADC and then grabbing a staple diet of alternate ing) the huge majority of male Well, not my room. part of a Cambridge ethic stand your ground! that you must be cox of packet of crisps and a mornings in the Seeley horses that take part are castrat- No sir. The only tangible minority. When they approach you the first boat at 6am, up pint at the bar, making and the odd Varsity col- ed (gelded) at a young age to souvenirs of my summer Kelsey Kerridge is the smiling and full of cheer, to your first lecture on the cool kids erupt with umn when I feel indul- make them more amenable to are a slightly itchy smok- sinister training ground see through to the malig- anthropological research laughter at some witti- gent. training and to ‘keep their er’s cough, an official for little armies of the nant black-hole they at 9am, presiding over cism from the day, before As Morrissey almost minds on the job’ (not on girls!) document saying I’ve overworked. SocFair wish to deposit in your your meeting as presi- completing tomorrow’s said “Underachievers of while they compete. Inevitably, failed my driving test and goers: did you manage to life, and forcefully reject dent of Polish Cubism essay before 10pm, head- the World Unite!” Just the majority that become the the permanent scarring resist the email lists their advances (I hope Soc at lunchtime (get ing to Cindy’s and col- don’t form a society. true champions are therefore from seeing Kinga shove tempting you out to the you disregarded this, those hoodies printed), lapsing in bed, Gardie’s Though, wait. I can think gelded and so cannot breed and a you-know-what up her mountain-hiking society? incidentally, when you back off to pick up some wrapper in hand, just in of a great design for a pass on their clearly expressed you-know-where (if you Were you lured by Curly walked past the Varsity books from the faculty in time to hit your alarm hoodie. superior genes. But if the champion gelding is cloned and his clone reaches adulthood at two years of age, that perfect genetic reproduction The Government needs to do its homework can begin to produce the next generation of champions. The clone will never match Why national access schemes just don’t fit his father as an athlete as he will have gestated in another mare and had a vastly different birth, upbringing and training, Friedman all of which will influence Bobby markedly his phenotype and athletic potential. But, he will be ccording to the government, and I’ve never heard a tanked up bloke tell a actually it is vital to recognise that the sit- making sure interviews give everyone the genetically identical and pro- probably to anyone studying at LSE girl he’s trying to pull that he won’t speak uation for Oxbridge is simply different. chance to shine, with questions directed duce exactly the same popula- Aor Imperial, Oxford and Cambridge to her because, “You go to Essex The reason why it means so much to towards identifying a candidate’s potential tions of spermatozoa that his are just normal universities like any other. University, and while it’s status nationally other people when we tell them we go to to learn rather than his taught knowl- ‘father clone’ would have done In occasional league tables one of the con- is somewhat mediocre I hear the politics Cambridge is because they know how edge. The inclusion of more interviewers had he not been gelded. stituent parts of ‘Oxbridge’ gets shunted department is really highly regarded…so hard it is to get in. Oxbridge’s process is would also help to negate the effect of No other domestic animal suf- into third place nationally and suddenly you must be too clever for me”. unique, and it doesn’t particularly rely on arbitrary prejudices - which can make the fers this ‘gelding syndrome’ in we’re told that an Oxbridge degree isn’t a Which brings me to the newest govern- predicted grades. The combination of difference when only one or two people the same way, so the Sporthorse class above the rest. ment educational initiative, announced interviews, entrance exams and pre-writ- are conducting interviews. The sugges- breeding industry cries out for The trouble for the proponents of this this summer by Education Secretary Ruth ten essays provides Cambridge and tions put forward by our own head of the cloning technique to be notion, though, is that however much Kelly, but lost amongst the bombs and Oxford with a better basis for making a admissions, Geoff Parks, which argue for applied to it more strongly than they say otherwise, it just doesn’t mean hurricanes that made the expected jour- decision than any other university. So open-ended questions in A-levels, to any other domestic species. the same to go anywhere else. So much nalistic silly season anything but frivolous. changing this one tiny aspect targets designed to tell apart well taught, ‘hard Cloning of Sporthorse geld- sets Oxbridge apart, and not only formal The proposal argues that less advantaged something that, for Oxbridge, has no real working sloggers’ from the truly talented, ings is beginning to ‘take off’ in halls and beautiful buildings, but more students should be able to apply to uni- affect on whether someone is let in or not should also be high on the government’s equestrian countries all round importantly the rigorous tests that people versities after their A-level results, with – and won’t help those being let down by priority list. the world, notably France, Italy coming here need to pass before they’re places being reserved especially for them, the admissions process. There’s a reason why Oxford and and America. But not here in even offered a place. That’s why, for as state school pupils’ grades tend to be But - and this is a big but - this means Cambridge are treated differently by poor, super-governed Britain example, one of the girls from Cambridge, underestimated. There’s no denying that that our admissions problem is somewhat UCAS. The government should recognise where this magnificent biologi- who I was travelling with this summer, there is an admissions problem both more complex. Cambridge should ignore that Oxbridge is a special case and should- cal breakthrough was first found that a guy who was chatting her up nationally and in Cambridge itself, but it the government’s proposals, but must also n’t force measures like those they have achieved ten years ago by decided to completely ignore her when he seems that in trying to apply this idea to ensure that the University’s broader proposed upon us, as they won’t work. Professor lan Wilmut. Yet again, found out where she was studying. He Oxbridge the government is fitting a entrance system becomes fairer. This does But in giving this dispensation they must we abandon British innovative said that she must be ‘too clever’ for him. square peg into a very Cambridge shaped include taking account of a person’s ensure that Cambridge fulfils its own science to sensible commercial My subject, politics, has excellent depart- hole. There are arguments for and against schooling when looking at predicted and responsibility and establishes a more exploitation in other countries ments at places like Exeter and Essex, but the scheme for universities in general, but real grades, but more pertinently it means coherent set of access procedures. around the world. 18 Varsity Comment 07.10.05

hat’s my demographic? I’ve been writing this, as ever, with a bilin- Wgual, pipe-smoking Chilean matriarch in mind. If that’s not you, could you pass it on to someone who it is? She’ll enjoy it more. Last night a child triumphed over adver- sity and made me sad: last night I watched an advert for potty-training nappies. Boy, was his mother proud (and healthy-look- ing, in her early thirties, pretty but homely, wearing a thin, colourful jumper). He ran out of the bathroom arms aloft like a foot- baller, exciting pop music played and he seemed the happiest a person could be. Oh to feel like that! For the life of me, I can’t remember that earth-shatteringly brilliant moment in my life, and know I’ll never have it again. Make you wonder what’s the point in going on, nappies. Today the TV suggested that point might be sandwiches. It said if I bought Michael Derringer and www.ratemyvomit.com one of McDonalds’ new sandwiches I’d be om Kingsley Manly, British, Regional, Down to Earth T and, best of all, Happy. I just went and got one. I am still sad, but now full. Photography: Loads of mothers round the country are Illustration: giving their depressed children nappies with one hand and holding the Ritalin in the other, in case those nappies are too effective. As any mother knows, hitting Portrait of the Banker as a Young Man that right balance of nappies and Ritalin is the key to good parenting. I’m scared of people in the service Inverse Identity Theft: Cambridge’s underground crimewave

industry, because sales staff seem cross Olaf and bored. Understandably. I guess if you aving something of a preference It seems that for decades, centuries We will provide all this, and may even were to spend all your time surrounded by for the vintage option, I have even, criminal gangs have been prey- codify it, so that you can carry round objects not people, you’d quickly come to Hbeen grumpily avoiding the ing on vulnerable youngsters like our your identity in a little red book. think of those objects as your friends, pos- 4,000 new things recently washed up Canvas and tempting them into a hor- Having exposed this criminal net- sibly lovers (celibate, though). The fickle- on our island. I did, however, bump rible Faustian pact. For the truth is work, other mysterious happenings ness of those objects when someone dan- into one particular individual; a Mr B. that such gangs, masquerading as started to make sense. Why do lec-

gles some cash in their face would be out- Canvas. 'drinking societies', or 'rowing clubs', tures start within five days of one Henricsson-Bell rageous! Through the door at the drop of He seemed perfectly charming, and I are something of a one-stop-identity- arriving in Cambridge? In order to the hat! You thought objects were so much determined to keep an eye out for the shop. In exchange for your individual- prevent any dangerous period of more reliable than people – and now blighter as he made his way into the ity and general conversational ability reflection or settling in that might lay you’ve ruled out objects and people, what Cambridge world. Seemingly unaware they will provide you with a uniform the foundations for an embryonic per- is left? You’ll have to have a romantic rela- of how patronising an idea this was, and replacement generic conversa- sonality? And why has there been tionship with an Idea or a Concept. But he agreed to stop by and let me know tion, replete with witty playground such uproar about identity cards? even then you can’t be sure of fidelity, how he was getting on. repartee. Oarsome. Because of civil rights? Of course not. because you don’t who else is thinking it. A couple of days into his time on This would all be well, and under- The NO2ID campaign is being secretly Buying things turns you into an adulter- the Bridge, Blank (as his friends prefer standably attractive for those seeking funded by t-shirt and hoodie manu- er. All consumers are bastards. If you want to call him) popped round for some a hiding place from the dangers of facturers, terrified that stash will be to demean those who work for you more tea and we had a chat about his early unscripted social interaction, were it made redundant. After all, who will than by calling them ‘sales staff’ or ‘work- experiences. A lively and confident need a garment declaring that its ers’ or ‘ants’ or ‘bees’ or ‘ant-bees*’ call young man, he had met hundreds of owner 'Loves Cox(ing)' when that them ‘baristas.’ It’s clever: superficially very different people, and was full of information is recorded electronically empowering, while ultimately a self-impor- tales of sporting, drinking and artistic Such groups have a and available in a handy credit-card tant sounding name which invites ridicule activity. All this was very promising size? and jokes about lawyers. and I warmed to his experimental distressingly stultifying But back to poor Canvas, or The I used to think the best way to gain a spirit. impact on the sucessful Mighty Vomit, as he is increasingly barista’s respect was to say the order Not a week later, however, and my known. As term progressed, it became absolutely correctly – ‘mocha, grande, budding buddy arrived for his second development of what increasingly clear that the young fel- with whipped cream please, to take away.’ visit a transformed man. His fresh- are known in the trade low had not been permanently dam- While the barista’s jaw hits the counter. faced willingness to try anything had aged by his experience of character Then taps his friend to tell him what just been mysteriously replaced by some- as ‘personalities’ violation. He was still at heart the happened, and can you believe it? And his thing of a narrow set of interests and charming fellow I first encountered, friend can’t, so phones head office. They friends. A little surprised, I asked him and indeed soon found himself in a can, this is all part of their plan, you’re what had brought about this limiting not that such groups have a distress- similar master-slave relationship with playing right into their hands. of horizons, and he, being after all a ingly stultifying impact on the suc- various other of these criminal organ- But now I see that to show you’re really narrative device, obliged. cessful development of what are isations. I began to worry less for him not scared, you should dig your heels in, It transpired that poor young known in the trade as ‘personalities’. and to see in his stamp-collection and use words like ‘little,’ ‘big,’ ‘foamy,’ Canvas had been the victim of what is Fresh and ready for adventure one approach to self-definition a viable and ‘chocolatey.’ They’ll question their known in public order circles as may be on arrival in Cambridge, but process. Like cannabis, the practice of whole belief system. This tactic also works Inverse Identity Theft (IIT). In con- the neuroses of youth, and the pres- inverse identity theft is no-doubt ille- on monsters. Of course, you’ll never get a trast with your standard identity theft sure to fit in, can make the prospect of gal, but nonetheless has a role. monster to question his beliefs. But those (whereby the felon appropriates your discovering oneself daunting. It might, That being said, there is still the words confuse them into submission. identity to use for nefarious purpos- you see, take years and involve an worry that such activity serves as a In conclusion: Buy less stuff. You’ll have es), IIT occurs when an individual has inconvenient process of trial and form of gateway drug. Once started on more storage space, and storage space is a pre-established identity grafted on error. the road of identity sacrifice, it is all desirable. You can still buy cupboards, to his own. Into this niche market slide our too easy to slip into the hard-stuff, mind. They help. Shock and anger at the audacity of one-stop-shops, offering the personal- and by the time the social services this little known crime led me to ity equivalent of ready meals. Worry realise you might find yourself living *A cross between an ant and a bee – investigate further and I am now in a not they whisper seductively in the in Surrey, working for a hedge-fund basically, a bee with ant’s legs. Looks like position to reveal the identity conspir- youngster's ear, no more will you and driving young Florence (would a bee, acts like a bee. A waste of the tax- acy at the heart of our quiet little uni- have to fret over where to spend you you name your daughter Stoke?) to payers’ money. versity. time, what to wear, or who to talk to. school in an SUV.

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Cameron, Jamie Marland, Andy Simms Graphics Olly Wainwright, Adam Welch, Tom Kingsley, Jon Lopez, Tom Windley [email protected] (c) Varsity Publications Ltd, 2005. 07.10.05 Editorial Varsity 19 Correspondence email us: [email protected] or write to: Varsity, 11-12 Trumpington Street, Cambridge CB2 1QA Letters management, science and something that could have Unwanted Intrusion The City’s not the technology and the for- been better composed by only route more-than-profit sector, and the Microsoft letter-writing anxiety that there are too When the subject of newspaper subscriptions was further study in the UK and wizard. many personal records kept raised at a recent college AGM, the JCR president Dear Sir, abroad. More details are It’s not as if the letter’s on file by the police. available on content wasn’t bad enough, There are undoubtedly eloquently argued that all “red top,” tabloids would I was pleased to read www.careers.cam.ac.uk never mind the metaphors. I reasons to object to ID cards, be of far greater interest to his students than their Natasha Anders’s letter We’re funded by the for one don’t object to the but either way it is a serious (letters, 30 September). I University to serve you, horrifying erosion of my issue deserving of praise or more familiar broadsheets, as they could always be couldn’t agree more - whatever your interests or civil liberties that is having censure written with at least guaranteed to report upon Cambridge events Cambridge is a popular abilities, not to get you a job my name, vital stats and equal care and attention to, place this term for visiting in the City - unless, of extensive criminal record say, that lavished upon before word of them got around the University. banks, consultants, course, you want one. printed on a plastic card for picking the nose. Oxbridge life has long captured the public’s imagi- accountants and lawyers. the ‘service’ of making my Why is this? Because they Gordon Chesterman identity less easy to defraud, Rhona Brown nation and Cambridge scandal stories are frequent- recruit early. Their closing Director, Cambridge Careers Service consequently saving the Jesus College ly used as filler for the centre pages of a hollow dates are mostly before government £1.3 billion per Christmas for an autumn ID cards are worth year. Before we bandy about Short and Sweet newspaper. Reassuringly, these generally focus 2006 intake. But with these better consideration patented panic-merchant upon the salacious or the academic; on dodgy dons, employers all vying for your phrases such as ‘police state’ Dear Sir, attention, it’s easy to think Dear Sir, let’s not forget that not long dismal drinking societies, up-skirts, down shirts and the only careers on offer are ago and not far from here Did someone swallow the “in tiaras,” or access, management problems and City-based. My own particular favourite Holly Wells and Jessica new Guardian and vomit it top-up fees. Look more closely, inappropriate metaphor in Chapman were murdered out over Varsity? though. You’ll find that the highly stirring and by a man trusted in their The media attention that has surrounded from now, and increasingly deeply intellectual letter by community ostensibly Love it! Monday’s terrible confrontation has caused alarm over the year, the Careers Seth Thevoz (letters, 30 because his history of Adam Lenson Service promotes other September) was that ‘ID cards molestation, rape and Queens’ College across the University and shocked a sedate college opportunities: in the public are the relic of a police violent assault on young into a state of anxiety. It has also proved an sector, media, publishing, state’. Call me a snob, but I girls had been wiped in Letters may be edited education, arts and heritage, prefer not to read in print Grimsby because of the for space or style unpleasant fascination of the press. Varsity has been offered upwards of £4,000 for the photos on this for improvement, but The Answer Dear Sir, week’s front page and promised more for any fur- there should be no targets set by the government, allows the best to demon- ther lurid details. “So, you want a career in journal- A new year, and which would necessarily strate their ability while ism, son?” , “we’ll mention your name however Cambridge students entail selecting students ensuring that sufficient commence their self- that are less capable than funds are provided for you want” , “what’s her facial expression, lad?” , flagellation over "Access". others. those capable students “so, how much blood can you see?” Just some The big news this year is It is also commonly who cannot afford to pay the 0.7% (that's right, the believed that Cambridge full fees. examples of an unpleasant series of phone calls decimal is in the right should be a demographic with Britain’s National Press. Perhaps enough to place) drop in the number reflection of British socie- Stan Lazic of state school students ty, but the only way to Letter of the dissuade many a Varsity hack from a career in jour- that were admitted. A assure students are truly Week wins a nalism. 0.7% change in just about representative is to ran- anything is not much to domly draw out names out a specially A separate, but more immediately resolvable issue get excited over, and of a hat, offending the selected bot- university admissions are that has arisen from the recent incident, is one of meritocratic ideal which is tle from our no exception. central to admissions. student safety within colleges. Whilst Lucy Universities do not exist A Cambridge degree is friends at Cavendish have frequently re-enforced the exis- to distribute some social viewed positively because Cambridge good to applicants. Their tence of panic alarms in the college, many students there is the perception that Wine Mer- Letter of the purpose is to educate Cambridge selects the best. have expressed concerns to Varsity that these are future doctors, lawyers, If selection is based on chants, King's neither plentiful nor conspicuous enough. Students Week scientists and others. For something other than abil- Parade universities to achieve this, ity, then the value of the in other colleges have been unable to locate any at they must be able to select degree is diminished. If the all. those students that they access warriors want to Access: the other can best educate. This make themselves useful, It was reinforced to all Lucy Cavendish Fresher’s side of the story selection is an imprecise they should argue for an during an annual college dinner on Tuesday that science, and there is room admissions system that “things like this never happen in Cambridge.” Let us hope that this continues to be so. “As for my intelligence, I think it missed the Eurostar” Out of freshers’ week The Last Word into the fire Students reduced to dressing gowns, cross-dress- This Week: A Frenchman too far ing and dog food, diving in and out of Zoe Ross Cambridge’s w(e)ary pubs, constantly unsure of ith my nose is for the most part Me: Oh, ok… So do their next mission, but always ready to accept it. pressed firmly unshakeably boring. I you want to come with me, where in the local area. to the Parisian almost shocked myself out then ? Another detail perhaps Is Freshers Week no more than a desperate delay W grindstone for of it the other day in fact, Man: Er… No, thank worth mentioning is that of the inevitable? When the dust settles and the over a month when I heard myself mak- you. during a particularly ardu- now, I must admit that I am ing a joke at work about my Me (increasingly bemused): ous photocopying ‘sesh’ at streets are cleaned, then we all return to the flooded with satisfaction at wallet, guffawing and splut- What...? Then what have I work last week, I inadver- inexorable grind of lectures, libraries and supervi- the thought that you have tering as I spoke (well, no, come to meet you for? tently overbalanced and all finally hauled your but I might as well have Man: I have no idea, tripped backwards into a sions. This abridged week of manic boozing begs reluctant frames back into been). sorry. fire extinguisher. And then the question: who are you trying to kid, Kid? Cambridge town for anoth- As for my intelligence, I Me (eyes widened, unspeak- tried to divert attention by er year of sexy supervision think it missed the ably confused): I really don’t asking the nearest person Perhaps the best introduction for newly-arrived antics. Eurostar. Last week, I was understand. Don’t you holding a piece of paper students to Cambridge might be a series of library Paris has so far proved supposed to be meeting want to see the flat ? whether they needed to itself a relentless taskmas- someone interested in a Man: No, I’m meeting make a quick copy. The inductions and courses in time management. It is ter, callously and systemati- flatshare. So, approaching some children. I’m taking answer was no. unlikely that the freshers will pub crawl again or cally stripping me of all lin- the metro station, I espy a them on a trip. Such a barrage of soul- become active members of societies joined at the guistic faculty, beating the small suited character bear- destroying experiences in IQ right out of me, and cru- ing a large case. Naturally I am now dizzy with so concentrated a period Fresher’s Fair, and friends furiously made in elly confiscating any trace for anyone recently bereft imagined scenarios involv- seem to point to the fact Fresher’s Week often vanish quicker than Lord of dignity. of an IQ, I assume it is my ing the petite man and a that France and me, well, My glaring inability to man. The following ensues: suitcase-full of kids. we aren’t exactly a match Lucan once the real term begins. “Bah, humbug!” express a personality in Anyway, I don’t think made in heaven. Still , it’s you might say and “but it’s a tradition.” French has resulted in a Me (grinning): Hey, what’s either of us has ever been early days… we can make distressing recourse to some the suitcase for? You mov- quite so disturbed by this work. “But so is fifth-week blues,” I can reply. And I other deeply-buried sub- ing in straight away? another party, and as soon bet your Fresher’s Rep hasn’t told you about that character, long-suppressed, (Another one of my superb as reality dawned, I Next week: Varsity gets the real who has a devastatingly jokes) excused myself to go and deal on South Africa’s top uni- yet, has he? weak sense of humour and Man: No, no, not at all. die a quiet death some- versity 20 Varsity Arts 07 .10.05

Varsity exclusively presents two extracts from the new novel by Helen Oyeyemi, a Corpus Christi undergraduate and author of The Icarus Girl

omething has always been She does not much care; she somewhere is dipped into warm the matter with my Mama is safe in (a somewhere house, weather. S– not that she is especially a) brittle, rosy dessert tower And when sunlight is a more fragile, but that the variability of cooked up out of a worn brick constant guest and shaves dap- her strength is more marked and cedar wood recipe and net- pled dark away from most of the than is usual in everyone else, as ted in a sheet of chocolate houses ceilings, Yemaya thinks, if she is wounded in a special WHENEVER brushwood that cradles its mis- yes, this house is food; it can be way that makes her blessed. All formed marzipan roof. Around divided and hollowed out, what my catechism tells me that being “ is a hush, not the wrong quiet of is fresh can, with an accurate AYA LEAVES blessed is the same as being bro- woodlands when the birds are cut, be daintily pared away from ken, and through the grace lent THE SOME- afraid, but the quiet found in a what is not, its taste and sub- by a tubular suffering that her library lined with desks and stance dresses the fingertips, it brain feeds her through every WHERE- people who are always about to can surely be made to disappear day, Chabella, my Mama, is lift- speak but never do, and old into a meandering arrow of ed away from fact on ladders as HOUSE, THE books with cracked spines that crumbs. pure as ice and as thin as angel’s University of Hamburg and the OUTSIDE PEO- would shout if they could. Weak Other overcast mornings, hair pasta. She tried to teach me Sorbonne, he arrived in London yellow light trips fitfully in when the wind bullies the where to look for love, and she (to Tomas and I, he always then they take their places and PLE STARE AS through the gaunt, white-bor- branches and the green-brown also tried to teach me says he was, ‘sent abroad by strike a pose, and when I open dered balcony windows of the leaves flee to the windows and Gelassenheit, the longing to let Castro’, as if Castro, having sin- my eyes to set my soul in sight, IF THEY somewherehouse, forced to helplessly moan hussshhhh go, the longing for all doors and gled out the academics and to find Christ, I find Him there, limp through the maiming- against their will, Yemaya’s day windows to be opened and to bourgeoisie that he didn’t want but I find them also, smooth RECOGNISE sharp branches of the surround- wakes her flat on her back on escape, free, long before I read in his revolution, had first onyx faces stacked behind ing trees. Because of this irregu- the edge of a butter-yellow fall anything by Hans Denck. I restricted their research possibil- bearded alabaster. And then I HER BUT ARE larity and her way of napping in of linen sheets. On these morn- drank Gelassenheit in by the ities, then leant over and lifted wonder who will catch me if I deep, unscented bathwater dur- ings she will find that she is litre at the kitchen table, where them all airborne and into fall, the Orishas, or Him. UNCERTAIN OF ing the day, Yemaya finds a dif- clasping a handful of brown I sat on Mama’s lap and watched England with a single puff) It’s 4 am, and I’m still awake ficulty in telling when it is moths, their rough, fuzzy flut- her twist rice paper into graceful and he brought me and with five fingers splayed over HER NAME. night-time and no more light tering rocking her locked fin- shapes whose petals were meld- Mama with him everywhere. the ribbed tube of my polo neck will visit for hours. If she wants gers. ed together with fine honey. The Mama never thanked him for and the loop of old pain beneath SHE SPECU- to know without submitting to Or, prayer flowers were ships built it. it the cluttered, sarcastic carved her right hand is clenched to sail nowhere – set aflame and I was seven years old when (again LATES THAT face of the hallway grandfather with her thumb pointing east, unreeling a gently bitter scent as we came to London. I’ve come and I’m at St Catherine’s HER FACE clock, she goes out onto one of as if she is about to let drop a they bobbed atop water, they to think that there’s an age past again the boxy balconies whose black string of beads for an infant’s carried the tiny, senseless pleas which it is impossible to lift a and I am at the window again MUST BE metal vines smash against each delight. scribbled on their petals only as child from the pervading mari- and I am amazed again other to give the impression of (When she opens the fist, far as the limits of the plastic nade of an original country, pat at the way a steep hill holds MADE IN A bars, and she examines the fis- cooling sand falls away from her bowl they died in. Mama recited them down with a paper napkin growing green on its bald and sures between the trees until clammy palm with a stutter, like letters to me; they were from and then deep-fry them in unforgiving swerve when it will STRANGE WAY she can be certain that the sky long-powdered sugar leaping her sisters and cousins in another country, in another support nothing else.) has retreated and star-damaged home to cane) Matanzas, reminding her how layer, in another language like THAT IS NEI- blackness has come forward. Then she wonders if she is not lucky she was to be abroad, how hot oil that scalds the first lan- Yemaya has no bedroom for and the food of the house. lucky, mi querida, my darling, guage away, and I arrived in s the air fine today? Can out- THER BEAUTI- of her own; instead, for night- The somewherehouse is four not to have to constantly pit London just before that age. stretched hands catch a rare time she tries to find the room broad floors tall; underneath, a yourself against la lucha, that FUL NOR UGLY where the best sense of her trees thin, stale biscuit of a basement, So I soon outgrew Mama’s Itale? struggle for life! The tone of the evening flower ceremonies. Agbamurere. can be had, and she takes her pillared with stone and streaky, letters was not envious, only After a while, the flowers that We are never quite sure BUT SOME- dreams with her to the bath’s blackening powder, swamped in kind. In other news, people seemed to answer Chabella’s whether our lives are complete- hoarse cavern and lets them dis- throws and cushions and plump were getting married, being questions in ecstasies of hush ly our own. Sometimes when THING CHIM- tract her from the uneasy soft- chairs in fir greens and heady born, people were eloping with and smoke revealed themselves we think we have found a new ING STRONGLY ening of the skin on her toes reds. These colours float atop a lovers to Santiago de Cuba and to be limp rice paper and only home, it is in fact the exact same and fingers after too long a soak. feeling being caught up with for heated made me feel sorry for Chabella, place that we have left. WITH BOTH. Sometimes in sourceless agita- (of no) reprimands and grudging family my narrow-shouldered, café- To make a beginning of it: tion, chafed by a happiness had in that basement. An itch of blessings, people were winning con-leche coloured mother with Once upon a time, a Yemaya without deserving, she journeys gamine black spiders comman- street-wide cooking contests for her pink lipstick dotted mouth Saramagua came to live in a the house and calls it by its deer the fabric of the chairs and the best ropa vieja, people were pinched, and her slanted brown somewherehouse, name, ‘Safety, safety,’ –fresh out sofas, zigzagging the gluey sum- ripping off hapless tourists. As eyes that always seem wet. (on being enquired after, it of the bath she flees barefoot mits of their giant, multi fibred Mama spoke her alien litany to * does not admit cartography, down the slanting hallways meshes like nonchalant me, she depressed the centres of So I’m letting go. topography, geography, or pho- shedding plump beads of water tightrope-walkers. The base- each flower with a deft thumb Finally, in the lightening oak- tography, but sketches its own on the rusty carpet and rubbing ment’s back wall holds two stray so that each missive could host a stitched cell, jammed into a near-imperceptible contours on the heel of her hand against the wooden doors, both rattling fire in its heart. Each petal, each ” parting in her moisture-bejew- evenly away from the wall in high-armed chair with a pen in the checked gridlines between . prayer, read: my hand and the five sheets of ‘here’ and ‘over there’.) elled hair, closest to where her blocky ‘L’ shapes as if stitched in black lined paper, the spiritual Saramagua is not a surname. scalp shudders. Then she slows with a precise needle loaded help curriculum vitae, spread on my Yemaya also answers to Aya, and drags her towel up higher, with brown thread. One door, knees, I put aside my hope and but no-one calls her that except wondering if she is indulging in stepped into sideways with head Papa didn’t understand begin to cry. Because I have for her ownself. something that is too easy to lowered and knees pulled up in Mama. Chabella has always lov- tried. But I cannot answer to Whenever Aya leaves the really be free. The next day, she preparation for pantomime tip- ingly folded under Papa’s will, this. If I were truly being called somewherehouse, the outside- forgets this, remembers again. toeing, takes Yemaya straight which is why he always thinks to a vocation, the right words people stare as if they recognise The beams whisper as she out into London (Holland Park) she’s alright. He was forty three would be there for me, set in her but are uncertain of her passes from floor to floor, and the raggedly genteel hum when I was born, and Mama place like steps to lead me up name. She speculates that her rustling up staircases enveloped held in a low-built slice of city was twenty three; she had been and nearer. Instead, what I face must be made in a strange in a mushroom cloud of mov- after dark. The other door opens one of his students at the know is that all holy places real- way that is neither beautiful nor able bedding; their hushed out onto the striped flag and University of Habana. I only ly are dark places and that faith ugly but something chiming songs are rooted in the beauty of cooking smell cheer of that tat- know young-man-Papa from is acid. It’s as if Mama has had strongly with both. Strangers do stability, of age – they talk about tered jester Surelere, in Lagos – photographs. An idealist with a her Orishas dog me, pace behind not offer smiles in return for the obdurate sky, and reminisce always, the door leads to a place perpetually embarrassed smile, me in a mock-solemn line with hers, but neither do they hold about rich Lebanese slopes and that is floridly day. Surelere, an unkempt afro and tortoise- their hands behind their backs entirely aloof – mainly, they let the land patiently prostrate Surelere, whose name is a shell spectacles, once he had to lie in wait for me, for the her see a set of the mouth that before the kind, killing sun. The chant, and enough. finally, achingly understood that moment that, knees riding worn travels aimlessly upwards in the house is made homesick by its Castro’s Revolution was not his, chapel-floor velvet, I close my same direction as their brows cedar veins, which breathe out Papa eschewed America – eyes and ask to be allowed and eyes; symptoms of misgiv- misty strands of red frankin- rather, after stints at the another sense of happiness – ing. cense whenever the world of 07.10.05 Arts Varsity 21

Illustration by Frank Paul the Applications are now open to edit THE MAYS. Email [email protected] for details.

4 books: £10 at Heffers For fourteen years, Varsity has published THE MAYS, maysa renowned collection of poetry, prose and non-fic- tion writing from students in Cambridge & Oxford.

THE MAYS has become a major event in the liter- ary calendar, renowned for helping to launch the careers of the likes of Zadie Smith, Jay Basu and many more. Each year a guest editor selects the best of hundreds of entries for publication in the latest edi- tion. Past guest editors have included Ted Hughes, Stephen Fry, Philip Pullman & Andrew Motion.

For a limited time only, THE MAYS series has been re-issued at a special low price. Pick any of the anthologies for just £3, or you can choose four for £10. Buy from Heffer’s Bookshop during October, or use the order form to buy direct. And remember their names! ‘Maybe in a few years this lot will have me out of a job’ - Zadie Smith 22 Varsity Arts 07.10.05 “IT’S Punk/goth/indie A MUCH freshers: will they still look punk/goth/indie by the end BIGGER IDEA of the term? Or will they THAN have become, tragically, just like the rest of us? SAFETY-PINS”

The King Street Run: hostile metal fans guard, like trolls, the best indie jukebox in Cambridge Carly Farthing talks to punk legend Don Letts about Mohawks, accidental filmmaking and why apathy is “the greatest disease of the 21st century”

Dental dams: on Letts – DJ, band days. This is a wake-up call for endless promotion to the detri- the business, not because of clearly the mis- Dmember, music-video anyone who wants to listen ment of any kind of mystique the business.” Again, there’s director≠, filmmaker – and understand the punk atti- isn’t such a positive thing. the championing of the DIY understood expresses his desire that his tude and be a part of it. “We’re seeing everything, and punk ethic: “The whole inter- cousin of the safe sex interview read like a Ramones Looking around at the cultural “ there’s nothing there in the net thing and affordable tech- NME family, the dental dam song. “Short, fast and furious. climate of today, it felt to me IN THE IT SAID first place. I come from this nology has put the means of Waffling is not punk rock. If like punk never happened.” ‘DON LETTS IS time where art inspired, com- production into the hands of has achieved only a you’re talking about it, you The film may push the view MAKING A FILM’, municated, turned people on, the people. If you’ve got an ain’t doing it.” of punk as a philosophy that AND I THOUGHT, and generally elevated my situ- idea, you can get it out there, Hard luck for now because transcends time and music, but ‘OK, I’LL CALL IT A ation. Wanting to wave hello and there are people who’ve talking is exactly what we’re behind this, there’s also the FILM’. I DIDN’T mum on the TV is not enough got good ideas out there.” here to do, in the week that his unavoidable fact that the do-it- KNOW WHAT I WAS reason to occupy airspace.” Followed with a pointed, new documentary Punk:Attitude yourself ethic often produced DOING. I WAS Letts is just as disparaging of “They’re just not on MTV.” has been screened to critical something that was, musically, GOING WITH THE modern society’s potential for He credits punk’s ‘DIY’ ethic acclaim at the Raindance film a bit dodgy. Johnny Rotten VIBE. IT WAS VERY revolution as popular music’s. as the reason he fell into film- festival and also released on proudly proclaimed, “we’re not DIY BUT THAT WAS “Everybody’s too busy wanting making. “The whole point of cult following,They DVD. Looking at his back-cata- about the music, we’re about WHAT PUNK WAS to be on telly.” My venturing punk rock is that it wasn’t a are, however, a neces- logue there seem few more chaos”, and famously ABOUT that with our world’s current spectator sport. The energy was qualified to make a documen- answered a mid-gig heckle of political instability, and Iraq as such that it made you want to sary measure to avoid tary on the history of punk- “you can’t play!” with “so our Vietnam, this might be the get involved.” From his prime reckless and risky rock; he DJ-ed at the Roxy what?”. Letts himself admits right climate for change from position at the epicentre of the cunnilingus. And club, hung out with The Clash, that during his days with the within is me with incredulity: London punk scene, in close managed The Slits and is often group Big Audio Dynamite, “I “What are you talking about? quarters with the Clash and the what’s more, they give credited with being instrumen- couldn’t even play an instru- It’s been overdue since the end Sex Pistols, Letts “picked up a them out to Freshers tal in introducing punks to reg- ment”. Isn’t that the punk rock ” of the 90s!” Apathy, or just Super 8 camera and reinvented in every colour gae back in the 70s – an impres- ethic? “Works for me.” everyone being in the queue myself as a filmmaker”. The sive punk pedigree. Letts is also frankly pes- for The X-Factor auditions? resultant “home movie” Punk:Attitude is more than a simistic about the music of “Apathy’s the greatest disease footage of the bands became, snappy title; for Letts, punk today’s potential to instigate a of the 20th century, but there’s quite by accident, 1978’s The rock represents far more of an revolution. “Punk’s not just also a bit of Warhol’s prophecy Punk Rock Movie. “In the NME Kettle’s Yard Art ethic than a musical genre; an music, it’s an attitude that goes come to curse us, that every- it said ‘Don Letts is making a Loan Scheme: attitude and a way of life that beyond just music, and in fact body can be a star for 15 min- film’, and I thought, ‘ok, I’ll just happened to find its I’d go so far as to say that most utes. Most of these people can’t call it a film’. I didn’t know go along on Monday expression in music. He is of the music coming out of the justify three.” what I was doing. I was going between 5 and 7pm evangelical about punk as an West is almost the last place to As if aware that this might with the vibe. It was very DIY to borrow some art “ongoing dynamic”; the move- find it now. I’d go so far as to make him come across as an but that was what punk was ment, he maintains, goes far say the world doesn’t need any “in-my-day” naysayer, Letts is about.” for the year for less deeper than the “loud fast gui- more bloody music.” Letts rails at pains to point out that he is The future, both for Letts than the tars”, and the “superficial against what he sees as the “an optimist”, especially about and for his hoped-for resur- price of imagery” of Mohawks and superficiality of the music the potential from the rest of gence of true punk attitude? safety pins that emerged from industry today, with MTV, Pop the world, and “the naive, the The first one’s easy; a docu- a poster the Sex Pistols scene. “It wasn’t Idol and the like coming in for amateur”. Our Western value mentary on BBC4 late this about that. It was about free- heavy – if predictable - criti- system may be, as he terms is, month about the avant-garde dom, and that attitude did not cism. “It’s become increasingly “a bit shot”, but “I don’t want jazz artist Sun-Ra – “really begin and end with the 1970s. difficult to be radical within to be a doom-monger.I actual- weird guy, totally punk rock”. This is what my film is trying to this format of music. I come ly believe that this thing we’re And after that, uncertainty. show.” His first edit, a hefty from a time when – as my film talking about, it’s like the force “It’s getting increasingly diffi- three hours, cited examples says – the music was this anti- in Star Wars.” I can’t help cult for me to find subject mat- from the Surrealist art move- establishment thing. Now peo- laughing at this, but realise ter that I can give my heart and ment and the films of Bunuel. ple get into music to be part of that he’s serious. “Stop that! soul to.” Is this a sense of ‘left- Salmon stairs “I’m trying to widen the brief the establishment.” Of nu- It’s out there somewhere, but of centre’ alienation from the here, and not trivialise what is punk, or the existence of any it’s in the least expected places. mainstream? “Nah. Bring it on, engineers are a much bigger idea than a safe- sort of true punk scene in Places that maybe aren’t fuck it. I’m black, I’ve had the sometimes consider- ty-pin.” today’s music industry, Letts is smothered by satellite dishes, negatives and the positives all ate enough to build Yet the one of the most scornful. “If you’re calling or had 25 years of MTV my life. I was born a punk.” He interesting, not to mention yourself punk you invariably rammed down their throats.” says he is eternally hopeful steps up the side of curious, things about ain’t”. He may be dubious about a that the true punk attitude will their dams, so that Punk:Attitude is that it’s a music He is adamant he would lot of popular culture, but rise up to prominence once salmon can climb up documentary with a maker never return to directing music praises the artistic ventures more. “The only reason to look who insists it’s not really about videos, as he did so prolifically coming from “left of centre” back is to move forward. This is them on their way to the music. The impression the in the past for bands like The (an area he places himself in). an attitude that’s the birthright spawn. That should viewer receives is one of punk Clash, Bob Marley and Elvis “I’m looking forward to Kate of the young, if they’re brave be a lesson to us all as a concept that merely found Costello. “I don’t want to sell Bush’s new album. And there’s enough. If it happened before, a musical outlet in the 1970s, egos and makeup. When I did a lot of interesting independent and I’ve shown that it did, it with its furiously fast songs it, it was brilliant, but now it’s cinema; the films I enjoy these can happen again.” To this, he more of a by-product than any- more about choreographers days are coming out of the Far adds: “When you look around thing else. Letts says he made and makeup artists than it is East, or Europe generally. It’s today, it bloody needs to.” the documentary “for the about the band. That’s not the not about body counts and young, the old, whoever’s will- stuff that I grew up on.” I sug- boogies. Raindance’s happen- ing to embrace the attitude, gest that with the ubiquitous ing this week; these are people which is sadly lacking these video, MTV making-ofs and, that are operating in spite of 7.10.05 Arts Varsity 23

Illustration:Tom Windley

Punk: Attitude WHAT THE BIG SCREEN OWES TO THE MUSIC VIDEO ince John Landis made David Fincher – the darker director, visual artist, writer and ing and music videos, his genre-defining debut side of Hollywood subversive gardener. Devoted to Jonathon Glazer’s portfolio Punk:Attitude is the brain- bands that are referenced will Swith ‘Thriller’ in 1983, Renowned for his film noir clas- reviving the ‘Great British includes some of the most child of Don Letts, friend to be totally lost on the younger the music video platform has sics, David Fincher has gathered Culture’ stifled by Thatcher’s memorable visuals to hit the the Clash and other punk generation that has precious launched the careers of today’s considerable acclaim over the reign, his films relentlessly small screen over the past ten luminaries, and in actual fact little knowledge of 70s punk. most avant-garde directors, past three decades for works assault the industry for its com- years. His commercial success has disappointingly little to Those who are more au-fait The Spike Lees and Jonzes of such as Alien 3, Seven and more placency. Similarly his music includes Guiness’ ‘The do with the music that sym- with the decidedly “pop- the feature film world owe recently Fight Club. However, videos such as the Petshop Boys’ Swimmer’, the recent ‘Dream bolised a generation. As the punk” stylings of Blink-182, much of their cinematic suc- like many of today’s directing ‘It’s a sin’ and The Smiths’ ‘The Club’, and several campaigns name would suggest, it con- Sum-41 or Green Day will cess to previous work in the moguls, he started out directing Queen is Dead’, reflect a brutal for Stella Artois. However, his centrates more on the move- recognise more famous music video arena. Without the music videos including honesty, which may owe in part multi-award winning music ment that grew up around the names such as the Clash, the pressure to fill fat studio wal- Madonna’s ‘Express Yourself’, to his HIV positive status. These videos were really responsible movement, a movement that Ramones or the Sex Pistols, lets and top box office ratings, ‘Oh father’ and ‘Vogue’. Not themes were explored on the big for launching Glazer onto the encompassed music, fash- but perhaps be bypassed by the music video provides the afraid to put big bucks behind screen in later revisionist works international film scene, ion, photography and film. Dead Kennedys, Bad Brains ideal format for experimenta- his artistry, it was here on the such as ‘The Last of England’ including Radiohead’s ‘Street The main problem with the or the Slits. For fans of 70s tion without the high stakes of sets of music videos that Fincher and Marlowe’s Edward II. Spirit’, ‘Karma Police’ and film’s approach is the superfi- punk though, Punk:Attitude is the big screen. However, the developed his uncompromising Jarman’s commentary on the Jamiroquai’s ‘Virtual Insanity’. cial view of his subject Letts a goldmine – a fun, informed likes of Puff Daddy spending directorial style, not to mention British nation was never fully Making his feature debut in seems to take at times; the and informative feature with 2.7 million dollars on his a lavish taste for special effects. realised through film due to his 2001 with ‘Sexy Beast’, Glazer ethos that galvanised a gen- comprehensive DVD extras ‘Victory’ video and Michael death in 1994. However, the has ensured that his films are eration is reduced to a sim- that are almost more worth- Jackson spending twice that on Derek Jarman – renaissance depth and polemical nature of remembered, if not for their plistic “fuck you”, rather than while than the film ‘Scream’, have ensured that man his work provide much scope for content, then for Ray the DIY scene that was meant Charlotte Keane the music video earns its status Perhaps one of the most under- discovery in years to come. Winstone’s tight yellow swim- to be accessible to all. as a serious art form. Here are valued and intriguing British ming trunks. This is not a documentary for Punk: Attitude is available to some fine examples talent nur- filmmakers of the twentieth cen- Jonathon Glazer – making the uninitiated. Some of the buy now on DVD at £24.99 tured in pop promos: tury, Derek Jarman earns the waves reputation of great art-house Learning his craft in advertis- Hannah Briggs 24 Varsity Advertisement 07.10.05 07.10.05 Arts Varsity 25

Venue Guide: the essential events of the next seven days Fez Club

Where is it? Down a side alley to Sainsbury’s. Get there early. foff Market Square sandwiched Other nights, less famed, but between two doors no student worth frequenting if not wasted ever seems to darken (B Bar enough for Cindies are and Ta Bouche). The welcoming International night on warmth of Moroccan-style cav- Wednesdays and Hip Hop/RnB ern lights is only offset by the on Thursdays. Watch out this rather scary black-suited mafia term for guests Scratch Perverts on the door. and Zane Lowe. theatre Cat on a Hot Tin Roof The Winter’s Tale Why Fez? It is perhaps the only Fez kicks off about 9.30, kicks and Suddenly Last Performed by Propeller, bar you will find outside North out at 2.30am. Entry £2-£3 Summer Africa where you can boogie to NUS, and two-for-one cocktails Bouncers Britain’s only all-male The Clash whilst simultaneously on a Monday night. They’re not A double-bill of eek The first play by British ensemble company. imagining you literally are short of clientele, so make sure Tennessee Williams, who Rocking the Casbah. you bring extra (non-student) playwright, John Godber. ‘Apollo's angry; and the i.d. and smile sweetly on the lived for many years in the What goes on? Monday nights door. If you don’t want to queue heavens themselves do are famed for Fat Poppadaddy’s and you’re organised enough, French Quarter of New strike at my injustice.’ mix of Funk, Soul, Motown and text names to 07706755235 APU Mumford Theatre, Orleans. Indie Old Skool and new. It can before 9pm, you can laugh at 7.30pm, Monday 10th –until ADC: 7.45pm, Tue 11 to Sat 15 Cambridge Arts Theatre, turn into a who’s-who of the the hoardes as you mosey on in. Wednesday 12th October, £8 University self-titled ‘beautiful- Oct, Tue-Thurs £7/£5, Fri & Sat 7.45pm, Tuesday 11th until people’, especially considering £8/£6, SLS: 11.00pm, Wed 12 to Saturday 15th October, from

who manages to walk straight in www.ponana.com Sat 15 Oct, Wed & Thu £4/£3, Fri £10 W instead of queueing all the way & Sat £5/£4 book now: of the

film and music Britten Sinfonia Serenity Works by Purcell, A Western in space from Michael Nyman Maderna, Berio, Strauss Buffy the Vampire Slayer- Jason Byrne presents Blondie The composer’s first ever and a world premiere of creator and awesome The Lovely Goat Show Debbie Harrie once had an oil solo piano tour. He will the new work by John genius Joss Whedon, The hyperactive Irish comic is painting (above) done by HR Woolrich. Broadcast on who is now writing the now selling out the Edinburgh Giger, who designed the be playing music from Fringe’s biggest venues. aliens from the Alien trilogy. The Piano, The End of BBC Radio 3. script for the forthcoming adaptation of Wonder The Junction, 7pm, £8 NUS, The Affair, Gattaca and The Corn Exchange, 7:30pm, West Road Concert Hall, Woman. Tuesday 1st November £30, Saturday 26th November Wonderland. Tuesday 11th October 1.10pm, £3 Vue from today The Corn Exchange, 7:30pm, Thursday 13th October Pick When I was 21 Martha & Emma Thompson

In what year were you twenty- Matilda one? 1980. I think. What were you doing? Studying eek zero: infected There is no point in us put- we reeled in, ceilidh-stylie, to English at Newnham. with the unturned ting pen to page about the Footlights finale. How did you celebrate your twen- Wpages of your sum- ‘Macbeth’ because Martha Following a day in the sleep ty-first birthday? mer reading list and darkened was in it, and when Mathilda of narcoleptic Greg By having a water-fight on the roof by the smog of imminent aca- shut her in the wardrobe, she (Maximilian Bennett) the of Newnham with Hugh Laurie and demia, it feels unreal. By found she could not type with sketches scamper in and out a couple of other mates. giving us a week of nought, one hand. Smug voice from of the surreal with real dex- What was your favourite outfit? Cambridge enshrines a gentle cupboard, ‘Brawn without terity. ‘Under the Blue, Blue Blue dungarees and my dad’s dawn to the coming term; a brains’. Moon’ is really funny. The leather fishing jacket. homecoming for the old and ‘The Threepenny Opera’ vast landscape of dream What was your most prized pos- the new. ‘Which is nice’, says adapted admirably to their humour may not be an origi- session? My brain. Mathilda with a dew in her new stage and welcomed new nal premise but the Footlights What were you afraid of? My eye and under her foot. And cast members with open arms have created an original piece body. so the sleeping giant of the stuck to near naked bodies. of comedy. It is a joy to see a What made you angry? Both of ADC shakes its gory locks The slightly incongruous all- sketch show that is perfectly the above. Plus the oppression of (thank you Bard) once more, singing, all-dancing appear- interwoven with its narrative women, but I may have been subli- for the one hundred and fifti- ance of Brecht in drag was a particularly one that balances mating... eth time in fact. But far from delight to behold. Zara the classically funny with the Where did you spend most of pestilence and war falling Tempest-Walters’ Jenny, Mack very clever. And here lies the your evenings? In the Footlights from its tresses (thank you the Knife’s most illustrious delight of a home-run. The Clubroom, or the Baron of Beef, or Milton, blind but sensitive), whore, and Thomas Kohut’s Cambridge audience, after the Stephen Fry’s rooms in Queens. we usher in the new by say- performsnce give what is a often sparse and sometimes What did you eat? Carbohydrates. ing a fond farewell to the old. very slick production, real hard to engage Edinburgh What music did you listen to? Dire Straits. Undertones. Talking Heads. That sort of The ADC this week held a flare. spectators, are a pleasure to thing. gluttonous court to three of Time for a quick bottle of perform to and the ADC space What was the most rebellious thing you did? Shaved my head. Actually I think I was its Edinburgh Festival con- sloe gin and a single lonely a pleasure to perform in. As maybe 22 by then. No. Oh God. I can’t remember. But will that do? sorts; ‘Macbeth: The Hour’, lemon (split two ways, obvi- audience numbers this week What are you ashamed of having done? Of having split up with my boyfriend in a cruel ‘The Threepenny Opera’ and ously, we do have separate illustrate, this university’s the- way. ‘Under the Blue, Blue Moon’. heads) before the Footlights atre world challenges all the What did you believe in? Love, friendship, feminism, politics, books and reading, sto- And what a feast: the physi- Tourshow. Incidentally the others and although it may ries, the value of laughter – lots of things I think. cal, the poetic and the pas- extension of the ADC bar, an sometimes seem a bit of a What was your most political action? Manning a barricade! I think I was rather mili- sionate, followed by the architectural triumph, still clique it is actually a real free- tantly feminist so probably consistently and unnecessarily rude to men. vaudeville violence of feels pretty squashed. for-all. And so Week zero ush- What made you cry? Men. Brecht’s brothels leading to However, one recent graduate ers in the new year and the What do you wish you had known then that you know now? That it was totally unnec- the surreal hilarity of the named it her favourite place new students, a position of essary and as a result of brain-washing that I didn’t like my body; that female sexuality erstwhile Footlights. The ADC in Cambridge and it was good privilege that these Edinburgh was a lot more complicated than I had thought, and that the sexual ‘revolution’ was large- certainly knows how to put to be back, particularly as the shows really do justice. ly for the benefit of men; that people who were older and cleverer and wiser were still not on a spread. For the audi- ebb and flow of sated audi- ‘Hopefully quite inspiring’ necessarily right; that my opinions were expendable and that my questions were valu- ence member (old and new) ence members served to fuel says Martha, retreating back able. And lots of other things... this is gratifying exploration the sense of excitement about into thewardrobe at the of the Cambridge drama the new term. prospect of her 28th perform- scene. Observing the bell at 11pm ance of Macbeth. 26 Varsity Arts 07.10.05 I need excitement, oh I need it bad album review Sam Blatherwick gets his teenage kicks at The Junction s it in my nature to go to gigs onto the stage like an uncle doing they released two years ago, there Keys’ ‘Have Love, Will Travel’. with middle-aged, balding karaoke – dancing like a teenager is some occasional movement, but I don’t think people will be too Ipunks now? The Undertones on his own in front of a mirror, cig- not nearly the rapturous adulation offended (especially not those waltz onto stage at 9pm, a ridicu- arette in one hand and micro- received by older hits. It was a cer- who read Varsity), when I say that lous start time for a headline band, phone in the other. Of course, this tainty, yet such a shame – ‘Thrill most of the audience were not and unusual nowadays. Although is how karaoke should always Me’, in particular, is just as strong familiar with The Black Keys, and I guess most of the audience had have been, standing on stage in as material in their previous incar- seemed bemused by the cover, work in the morning. The band front of adoring fans, singing with nation. which was none the less excel- reformed in 1999, without former one of the best singles bands ever Their final song before the lent. lead singer Feargal Sharkey, who to come out of Ireland. encore, ‘I Don’t Want to Get Over The evening then took a turn is now working for Tony Blair as a The rest of the group seem a You’ is unbelievably powerful, for the strange, when the stage live music tsar. He was replaced by strange bunch of ageing men. especially in comparison to was pelted with mini-mars bars Three things must be Paul McLoon when they played Their sibling guitarists look like ‘Teenage Kicks’ earlier on, which by a member of the audience, said about Bedouin their first reformed gigs. There’s punk rockin’ Yoko Onos, and their seemed subdued. But still brilliant, prompting the band to close with Soundclash: i) Two out Mosaic a Sounding been next to no contact with drummer was playing his third of course. Busted tried their best, ‘Mars Bar’. of the three of them are white Bedouin Sharkey since. show with them, as their other one but it’s so simple; you just can’t A wonderfully bizarre finish to Canadian. ii) Track eleven of It’s not as though it makes any ‘couldn’t get the time off work’. ruin ‘Teenage Kicks’. a straight up wonderful show. As Sounding A Mosaic is titled ‘Rude difference: McLoon does both the Yeah, it’s a greatest hits set – Another bizarre moment reformed bands go, The Boy Don’t Cry’. Really. iii) Granted, best impression ever, and possibly what would you expect? When occurs in the encore, when they Undertones’ experience shines nowhere on said debut can I find evi- exceeds him vocally. He strides they play a song off the album launch into a cover of The Black through. dence of the words ‘Jah’ or ‘Mon’. But I still haven’t found the secret track yet, so there’s still a chance… Perhaps the personal consensus Soundclash against this album was merely a product of my disappointment after the expectation set by the com- mendable single ‘When the Night Feels my Song’. However, on sub- jecting it to a room full of (slightly #

inebriated) students, it passed the lit- #### mus test: no one commented on it at all. Which is perhaps the nicest thing I can think of to say about what is essentially samey incidental reggae- rock that makes Finley Quaye seem like the quirky one and laughs in the face of the word progressive.

Essentially described as Bob Bowers Mary Marley produced by Rick Astley and vomited out by Fran Healy from Travis wearing one of those rasta hats you buy in Camden Market with the dreadlocks attached. Stay away. 07.10.05 Arts Varsity 27 Art, Anthropology, Anxiety Jonathan Yarker wants an end to the egoism of European history of art

ollywood was sooo last ile was laboured, but this cul- encompasses art from every pologists. Alfred Gell, for exam- year. The moment Cherie tural isolationism has bred a culture and every age. The con- ple, in his 1998 book, Art and BBlair donned a sari, the disturbing attitude towards temporary art world has a Agency, written in the wake of cache of ethnic-chic evaporated non-western art. We are so degree of internationalism, ‘methodological atheism’- that overnight. The fleeting appear- used to text books that tell us artists are aware of each others is the suspension of belief in ance of Mrs Blair’s mid-drift is art began with the Greeks, got work and exhibit all over the religion - calls for ‘methodolog- characteristic of our flirtation really good during the world. In Cambridge at the ical philistinism’: for us to be with non-western culture: we Renaissance in Italy, and then moment we have an exhibition indifferent to the aesthetic cherry pick styles and influ- fizzled out in twentieth century of works by an Indian artist at value of a work of art. So if we ences, before dropping them in France, we forget that other New Hall and a Cuban, ignore the lack of visual simi- favour of Sienna’s boho countries could - and did - do Slovenian, German and larity, we can see that both the charms. But fashion gives these art. We seem to have convinced American at Kettle’s Yard. But Prowboards and portraits are cultures a better showing than since this level of international- symbols of power and wealth; art history. A slightly patronis- “The big ism has never existed before, it they were objects for ostenta- ing approach to non-western question: is surely impossible and rather tious show, where the artist art has, for the last century, futile to compare two cultures and his technique have been dominated the discipline. How do you separated by thousands of miles subordinated to the whim of Survey texts, from in say, the 17th century. If we the patron. Wincklemannn to Gombrich, construct a examine Maswa decoration of But I still feel this compari- have traditionally seen western universal Prowboards from Kitava Island son is tenuous. And I find art in a vacuum, only occasion- in Papua New Guinea in rela- Gell’s strictly anthropological ally mentioning other cultures. history of art?” tion to the contemporary Stuart approach stifling. It begs the Even in obvious cases of corre- portraits of Sir Peter Lely in question: do we need an inter- spondence between the west- ourselves that ‘art’ is a preserve England, we find there is no national art history at all? Does ern canon and other visual tra- of Europe and North America - correspondence. In fact, there Gombrich’s Story of Art of 1950, ditions, like the Moors in Spain everywhere else has produced is nothing to be gained by a need to be re-written to or the Byzantine-Turks in ‘artefacts’. We have inherited a comparison. End of world theo- include the Maswa Venice, they appear merely as Victorian vocabulary to ry, it lived less than a para- Prowheads? I think not. But exotic cameos in the narrative describe these artefacts: primi- graph. we do need to abandon the iso- of western art. tive, savage, immoral, and yet But surely there must be lationist position of the disci- Well, I am being a bit dra- anyone who has seen Japanese something? After all, we pline. We need to study non- More non-Western art in Cambridge matic, and the Cherie Blair sim- ceramics and textiles, mogul already have a viable system for western art in tandem with miniatures, Micronesian sculp- the theory and analysis of west- western, drawing relevant The Fitzwilliam Museum Museum of Anthropology ture, African bronzes, Aztec ern visual art, so why not apply comparisons when necessary, and Archaeology Read More... and Mayan jewellery, or even it internationally? Easier said but not forcing them when the A fascinating collection of Mughal, Rajputana and Japanese prints; Extensive collection with exhibi- Kymberly N Pinder Persian armour, couldn’t fail to than done. Western art history similarities are absent. The Chinese bronze, stoneware and tions of Palaeolithic African and Race-ing Art History be dazzled by their beauty and requires a certain level of com- greater level of international- porcelain; and Egyptian figurines Asian art displayed according to visual sophistication. monality between the various ism in the contemporary art and Isnik pottery. geographical and cultural areas. Amos N Wilson This is why modern art histo- creative centres, and without world should be reflected in art Search Out: Utagawa Kunisada’s Search Out: The Malanggan cere- The Falsification of Afrikan ry faces a big question. How do this shared context, the value history scholarship. Non-west- 19th century Japanese print Snow monial mask. Consciousness you construct a universal systems of technique and aes- ern art shouldn’t merely have a and Love piled Up at the Seki-no- history of art? By this I thetics don’t work. Solutions cameo role, it should have a Barrier Gate (above). Alfred Gell Art and Agency mean an art history that have been provided by anthro- major lead in the history of art.

in India but also Ceylon, China ery can be seen to reflect the ‘Seated Buddha’ and the North-west-frontier sculptural traditions of classi- 1st to 3rd region of Ghandhara (today in cal Greece and Rome. This is Pakistan). This schist stone fig- combined with a traditional centuries AD ure was made in Ghandhara pose that reflects contempo- Fitzwilliam between the 1st and 3rd cen- rary Indian sculptures whilst turies AD. The area lay on an the elongated ears and almond Museum important east-west trade shaped eyes are ubiquitous in route, and was well known to most eastern renderings of This remarkable sculpture is a the Greeks by the fifth century Buddha. Perhaps the most small melting pot of stylistic BC. Conquered by Alexander curious element is the cush- influences. A traditionally the Great in 329-325 BC, it ion; the luxurious eastern eastern figure rendered with a was subsequently ruled by swag is pinned to a rigid archi- powerful western influence. Indo-Greek kings until the tectural frieze borrowed from The historical Buddha, which early first century AD. As a a classical temple façade. literally means ‘the enlight- result of the various cultures ened one’, was born a prince that either passed through or named Siddhartha Gautama in settled in the area, the sculp- the Kingdom of the Shakyas in ture of Ghandhara evolved a Each week we highlight an Northern India. The exact distinctive style that combined object of aesthetic interest in dates of his life are uncertain Greek, Roman, Indian, Cambridge. Send suggestions Art Around Cambridge but by the mid-third century Chinese and Central Asian to [email protected] BC his ideas had become influences. Here the treatment extremely influential not just of the Buddha’s hair and drap- album reviews Ms Dynamite Franz Ferdinand You Could Judgement Days ##### Natascha Have It So Much Better Once again, Ms Dynamite Here lies the problem: ##### returns to lyrics which deal with Judgement Days’ lyrics are

Sam Blatherwick rejection, love, war and gun cliched and unimaginative. This They had me at hello: ‘The blossom. crime. Unfortunately, this time type of blandness seems to be Fallen’, opener of Franz Whilst it is tempting to linger eschews Franz’s trademark the ideas and the songs seem a running theme throughout the Ferdinand’s second album, is on the fresh acoustic strains of swagger. It is, in fact, these somewhat worn and weary. album. Unlike some of her con- their finest moment yet. Lyrically ‘Fade Together’ and ‘Eleanor…’, exceptions that keep the album ‘Judgement Days’, the opening tempories, Ms Dynamite seems Anders sublime (‘And the Kunst won’t these tracks’ novelty is contin- bolted to the CD player. track, comes across as con- to deliberately avoid witty, talk to you’) and packing a won- gent upon the heights of the The sonic extremes of the trived and preachy whilst humorous lines, and as a con- derful rolling voodoo bridge, it album’s more familiar up-tempo record render it a sure fire singles ‘Father’ pro- sequence some of the songs ushers in a sly album of inventive tunes. With ‘Do You Want To’, collection, replacing what it lacks vides the one come across as rather dour and wit. Those who have witnessed the band has distinguished in high concept with an adroit stand out track laden. For someone who boasts the band’s economical live sound itself. The reflexivity of the blend of witty lyricism and on the album, of having never lost in an mc will know that their strength lies in song’s wit might grate with the dancefloor marketability. ‘I’m which sees Ms battle, she seems content to beats. The louche fills of the heathens, but I cannot deny the Your Villain’ perhaps sounds as Dynamite stick to simple lyrics even when opener, along with the choppy virtues of blending Golden old as it is, but when even Franz returning to dealing with complex issues. toms of closer ‘Outsiders’, book- Earring and Debbie Harry. This Ferdinand’s retreads sound as far the fury-fuelled Slick, and well-produced it may end a disc that sees ‘Take Me said, the muted apocalyptic ahead of their jangly, angly com- lyrics of her be, but Judgement Days disap- Out’s 4/4 stomp kitsch of ‘Walk Away’ still clearly petitors as this, it’s hard to go far last album. points. stands out, and wrong. 28 Varsity Advertisement 07.10.05 07.10.05 Arts Varsity 29 ‘An explosion of energy, light and noise.’

From its opening orgasmic configurations. Members of scream to its dying gasp, the cast itself become mirrors, Ways of reviews ADC Isabel H M Macbeth: The Hour plunges the wardrobes and tangled under-

o Living a audience into a barrage of growth. u c ‘sound and fury’; a coura- However, it is the strength Kettle’s Yard r b geous choice from director, and intelligence of the acting at e Morrison Sam Yates, and his cast and that ensure the production is On Friday evening a new exhi- t the h crew. The production avowed- never self-indulgent. Sophie bition opened at Kettle’s Yard.

: ly strains the limits of the Middlemiss is particularly Ways of Living is an exciting T play to breaking point, offer- mesmerising as Lady event showcasing the work of

h four different artists, the young ing an explosion of energy, Macbeth. Ben Deery, Thomas

e Cuban Jorge Pardo, Slovenian light and noise. Eccleshare, Jenny Lee, Brigid Marjetica Potrc alongside the What makes Macbeth: The Von Preussen and Joanna more established the German Hour so impressive is that it Benecke also deserve acclaim Tobias Rehberger and American avoids the pitfalls of incoher- for their powerful portrayals. Andrea Zittel. The concept of ence and excess. Deft con- Though it may leave both cast the exhibition, artistic responses straints, such as the sparse and audience a little breath- to domestic settings seems setting, ensure that the stag- less, Macbeth: The Hour tenuous since each artist is cre- ing is endlessly, at times undoubtedly delivers on its ating fantastically different art almost wryly, inventive. commitment to breathe new works in wildly differing media, Wooden planks metamor- life into Shakespeare’s lamps, beds, textiles and video phose from doors to trees to tragedy. installations, but as you move shields, becoming draw- from space to space, it feels bridges, stairways and ban- ADC, 7.30pm, Tuesday 4th - less and less like a Habitat queting tables in ever-shifting Saturday 8th October show home. The most visual striking and provocative work is Toil and trouble The fury of passion - Ben Deery and Sophie Middlemiss Potrc’s Barefoot College: A House 2002. The contrast of the highly colourful vernacular building sitting in the mute architectural sophistication of Kettle’s Yard was extremely powerful. So, too, were Pardo’s lights, which hang next to a ‘Slapstick with a capital “S”’ series of prints, the organic shapes of the glass reflecting the lines on the wall. The A-Z camp cupid, slapstick siasm. The actors tackle their parison, though it does have Comfort Unit 1994, by Andrea routine, improbable roles with vim and vigour and the slightly surreal upside of Zittel, which was described as A twists of fate; Much Ado are careful to provide a clear providing Cambridge’s best making visible the ‘fetishistic About Nothing is more rendering of the text. Ellena take-off of Keanu Reeves in aspects of lifestyle culture’ Shakespearian farce than it is Spyrides’ Beatrice is particu- the shape of Phil Cleaves. seemed slightly dated and lost Shakespearian comedy. larly impressive. But to criticise this produc- its impact when compared with Having spent September tour- Yet CAST’s version is all tion for seeking nothing more Rehberger’s striking Lying ing America, CAST return to head and no heart. Beatrice than laughter is to judge it Around Lazy, Not Even Moving the home turf with a slick and Benedick spar, yet there’s with values that it doesn’t for Coke, Sweets, TV or show that aims to do nothing a fatal lack of chemistry. aim for. CAST look like Vaseline 1999. This is a chang- more than entertain. Emotions like ‘love’ and they’re having huge amounts ing installation which has been Much Ado is one of those ‘hate’ are dug a rather shal- of fun on that stage. And created to record shifts in taste. Shakespeare plays that low grave. And the darker they’re certainly desperate for This exhibition sits interestingly merges easily with the plots undertones of grief are, for the audience to enjoy it too. next to Ede’s own ‘way of living’ of As You Like It, Two the most, ignored. Instead, The proof is in the pudding, and is a fantastic opportunity to Gentleman of Verona and such. the humour value of every and people in the first audi- see important, international Drunken fools, amorous aris- scene is drained dry; this is ence were roaring with contemporary art. tocrats, bawdy hoi polloi, slapstick with a capital ‘S’. laughter. So if you feel like cross-dressing - it’s all in The production also fails to seeing a light, fluffy version there somewhere. Beatrice escape the lengthy shadow of of a well-loved play, venture Phil Cleaves playing Don Jon and Benedick snipe, Hero and – whisper it – the ‘Ken and to the Playroom this week. Claudio fall in love, there are Em’ version, the sumptuous Imogen Walford reviews Much Ado plenty of plot surprises and Branagh film. When a student The Corpus Playroom, all end up married. play mirrors a professional 7.45pm, Tuesday 4th - This production bubbles production so closely, it does Saturday 8th October About Nothing at The Corpus Playroom over with energy and enthu- itself no favours by the com- book now:

THIS WAY UP FES- ‘The auditorium was at least half full’ TIVAL hey say all that is need- and so acting. Rew is currently if you had the right shoes to As another ed for evil to flourish is working in advertising for a match. Angular lines and Providing New Theatre ‘Tfor the good people not company which is his dad’s. smooth white surfaces, with Companies with the opportu- to say something to someone As an actor, it’s hard to act shots of red - ‘Is it blood? nity to perform throughout term of who could do something about knowing the play you’re in is Perhaps it used to be fruit? Is it the UK as part of a touring it,’ and this is the message you making you look rubbish, but it ‘Stop’? Does it represent fruit?’ - programme supported by theatre leave with when you leave is achingly worthwhile. The which really danced well with Battersea Arts Centre. Stability, My Brother! (My actors all carried it off with Forton’s light (which Rew point- Radio Play, The Receipt, reviews begin Brother?), the new play by aplomb. Thoroughly entertain- ed out had varying colours and Dead Man’s Biggest Fan, Cambridge Graduate Rew ing. In particular, Vladimir, (the intensities) and certainly did Ether Frolics all form part of Varisity’s Coulton. The auditorium was at eponymous ‘Brother’) was nothing to help the action we this exciting venture and are least half full on the day I went, played well and stubbornly by were watching on stage. on offer to Varsity readers for which Rew said was average. Adam Harris, bravely capturing So, was Tom Portly’s (the £3 entry with NUS. Redland Stuart Robson gives the stand the right air of ennui, so unfash- director) daring fusion of physi- 13th out performance. ionable nowadays (why?!). The cal theatre with a script written Theuntil Junction, £8/3 (NUS) A Nightmare Before Flettons takes It’s hard to articulate anything only exception was the lithe before rehearsals successful? 22nd October Christmas: Special about this play, because the play Stuart Robson, who really stole Physical theatre is achingly cool a light-heart- very articulately attacks the very the show as the other Brother of at the moment and in the past Edition An extras- idea of articulation, and shows the title of the play, Kent, a gar- year we’ve seen some fantastic loaded version of Tim ed look at the you how redundant it is to talk gantuan hotelier with a mysteri- moving on and across the ADC Burton’s 1993 stop- about things much at all really. ous past and diabetes. Robson stage. But what does the phrase art of theatre In fact the only thing I could really stood all over that stage. ‘physical theatre’ actually mean? motion gothic comedy think to say when I left was not Truly a tremendous actor - end Well, don’t go to Coulton’s play at a low price. to say anything, which shows of story.Some say it’s his mal- if you’re looking for answers. S, RRP £12.99 criticism you how successful it is, I think. leable physicality which really MB! (MB?) was an unmitigated And the play does still allow you makes Robson quite so good, triumph of style over substance. to think, which is typical of but I think it’s his generosity of Last night Rew Coulton, who Rew’s generosity. Everything character which makes him works in advertising, killed the- about the production – the first such a talented actor, and such a atre. It was boring. I was sad to dvd class lighting (by Ed Forton) very good friend. see it bleed. If his next play is which covered the whole stage, Fiona Rigelli’s set was aston- even half as good as this one, choreography (Su Mill), and the ishingly stylish – almost like you should all go. ofthe excellent program (Susie Mill) - fashion. And being stylish is Stuart Robson will next be really shone out, and highlight- what plays ought to be about – appearing in ‘The Lick Unwanted ed the redundancy of the actors, Amen. You would wear this set (Unwanted?)’ in Week 5 week 30 Varsity Arts 07.10.05 T

ennessee “emotive portrayal of people liv- ing in deteriorating circum- stances, commonly in a context of hysteria and violence.” ADC

t a time when the from this approach, highlight- AAmerican deep South ing its darker quality. “Cat is has come abruptly into Romantic not romantic”, he focus, it is perhaps apt that argues, adding that they are next week the ADC will be using the original script, not showcasing a double bill of the the sentimentalized versions South’s greatest playwright, devised for the Broadway

the Tennessee Williams. The debut or the film. The main Pulitzer-prize winning Cat on a character, Maggie, has come Hot Tin Roof is the main show from a poor background

at and will commemorate the approaching life on a material 50th Anniversary of its level in pursuit of her dreams. Broadway debut. This will be As a student she met Brick, followed by the late show, who, with his successful sport- Suddenly Last Summer, which is ing career and wealthy her- set in New Orleans itself and is itage, fulfilled these ideals for regarded as Williams’ darkest her. But dreams can’t last for- work. ever, and it becomes clear that There will be a collection at theirs have long since died by Laura Draper talks to the directors of the end of each performance to the time the play takes place. be donated to the Red Cross in Maggie expresses this directly: Simon Evans and Zara Tempest-Walters rehearse for Cat on a Hot Tin Roof Suddenly Last Summer and Cat on a Hot America which has been heav- “Life has got to be allowed to ily involved in the aid efforts continue even after the dream to produce an oppressive distorted version of its former Tin Roof at the ADC in New Orleans. of life is all over.” In Maggie’s atmosphere in which the char- self. In spite of the evil quality Tennessee Williams is effort to overcome life’s obsta- acters are denied their private of Suddenly Last Summer, Lydia acclaimed primarily for his cles after the said dream has space, and backed by gauze explains that its power lies in emotive portrayal of people dissolved, practicality prevails creating an illusory impres- its “projection of emotional living in deteriorating circum- over her natural tenderness sion. Costumes are a weird truth that is hysterical and stances, commonly in a con- and she resorts to dissolute combination of black and huge… more truthful because text of hysteria and violence. tactics for the sake of survival. white, skewing the audience’s of its unabashed theatricality.” His writings offer a critique on In this way, Williams depicts perception of ‘moral juxtaposi- It is indeed sinister, but it is human weakness in general, the characters as products of a tion’, flavoured by a third essentially honest. often affected by autobio- society that denies them moral colour, auburn, the ‘colour of In developing this produc- graphical elements. purity. So the heroine longing’. tion of Suddenly Last Summer, Cat on a Hot Tin Roof is one of becomes flawed and exposed It is Williams’ ethical ambi- the team used “actor-centricity William’s most popular plays, as fundamentally no better guity that links the two pro- as their first principle”, mean- in which a southern family’s than her mercenary sister-in- ductions. In many of his plays ing that the actors were given secrets are brought to the sur- law. there are characters with the space to develop their own face at the birthday party of In this production of Cat on a whom the audience naturally performances before designs their dying Big Daddy. Due to Hot Tin Roof the design sup- empathise or admire, and were conceived. The cast were the iconic lead female, Maggie, ports the actors in conveying those who we are led to encouraged to “enjoy the this play is commonly miscon- the hyper-realism that is char- despise. Yet ultimately none voluptuousness of the charac- ceived as a romance. In direct- acteristic of Williams and so are morally superior. Lydia ters”, searching for physical as ing this play, Olaf Henricson- appeals to Olaf. Walls are rep- Wilson, directing Suddenly Last well as mental ways of Bell has tried to steer away resented only by their frames Summer, explains that it “wraps expressing their characters. It racism, homophobia, sexism has been a collaborative and even cannibalism in a process in which the costumes, hazy blend of seeming moral lighting and sound have grown “racism, homophobia, sexism ambivalence.” The murdered out of an understanding of the Sebastian, who is at the core of characterization of the actors. and even cannibalism in a hazy the play, is initially perceived These are two very different to be a victim. But as the play examples of the work of blend of seeming moral ambiva- unfolds, so the true story of his Tennessee Williams, with dis- life and the events leading up tinct approaches. And if you lence.” to his death are revealed, and see them both on Wednesday our image of him is progres- or Thursday, there’s a £1 dis- Jessica Brookes and Benjamin Deery rehearse Suddenly Last Summer sively tarred until it is a totally count. Jamie Cullum Catching Tales ##### Lame Academy Jamie asked every head girls’ press- tracks talking of sex, Iraq and Mary Bowers is expelled from the school of jazz-lite Cullum, the ing question: ‘can I use this drugs. While it’s pseudo jazz, man of album as my ‘getting ready’ pop and r’n’b ways didn’t pre- his month sees the release The Senior Prefect: Katie you don’t fit into her frou frou Britain’s music before a night out?’ pare my feet for a night of of two albums which Melua. 2003’s Call Off the Search dresses. less- I can’t. It is not for Cullum’s dancing, his cutting ‘useless, T might make you imagine heralded her as yet another sus- than- lack of trying. Like the school selfish prick’ and ‘stupid twat’ that Mother’s Day is imminent piciously over-talented young Your younger sister’s annoy- edgy sector kid who desperately wants to lines did get me thinking rather than a twinkle in March’s upstart that Sony could hire and ing best friend: Joss Stone. and, the public be remembered as the ‘weird about the unassuming victim I eye (as a hint for the typical stu- fire and make a mint out of. She’s younger than you, and school girl. Or so his record one’ this album tries too hard could unleash upon during the dent): yes, WH Smith will be Despite Terry Wogan’s best prettier too. She apparently company like to think: a recent but doesn’t quite work. night. The album is clumsy. cashing in on the cunning place- efforts, her latest album Piece by bosses around her manager but PR initiative saw every head Reverberating guitars, dis- Cullum may be slowly shaking ment of Jamie Cullum’s Piece was still a flop. Your mum you can’t help but secretly girl in the country receive a jointed piano, vocals laden off his darling-of-middle- ‘Catching Tales’ and Gemma can’t understand why you don’t admire her for having the copy of Catching Tales. So I with effects and gritty lyrics England image but he remains Hayes’ ‘The Roads Don’t Love want to be her friend. audacity to record her own ver- decided to put it through the show that Cullum is trying to more back of the mic than You’ next to the Radio Times and sion of the White Stripes’ ‘Fell in SAS training of reviews and do something new, his own pump up the volume. the Daily Mail. So, in celebration The quiet studious one at Love with a Girl’. And she gets of this happy coincidence, and the back of the classroom: all the best parts in the school Kettle's Yard the fact that you have finally Gemma Hayes, she might have productions for sucking up to escaped your summer of being tried twice now to have a hit, Mr Geldof (see Live8). Castle Street subjected to Radio 2 in the back her offerings haven’t been bad Cambridge CB3 0AQ of your mum’s car, Varsity music at all (at least they were well The girl smoking behind the Tel 01223 352124 take you on a tour of the School thought out) but she doesn’t Bike Shed: Amy Winehouse. of Jazzlite, where all pupils are make enough of a fuss for any- The parental advisory sticker on [email protected] the kind of friends your mum one to remember her name. the front of 2003’s debut Frank www.kettlesyard.co.uk will ask you to invite back home Even your mum will describe says it all. Goodness knows why again. her as ‘the pretty one with the she hasn’t been expelled: but the Love art? Love music? Come to Kettle's Yard. brown hair’. Head of English probably fancies The Head Boy: Jamie Cullum.. her and so does your Dad. Famed Art: A house with a collection of early twentieth century art displayed in a unique He’s a lad’s lad, patting the back of Your older brother’s more and admired for hanging out with and beautiful setting and a gallery that presents an international programme of all the popular boys (with his sophisticated girlfriend: Kanye West. And laughing in Sex contemporary and modern art exhibitions. cover version/massacre of Madeleine Peyroux. She writes Education.See also the nursery of Radiohead’s ‘High and Dry’) her own music. She might be a opera voices using popular folk Music: There are several concert series with major discounts for students. whilst shining a twinkling row of bit French. She sounds like tunes (Charlotte Church, G4) and Picture Loan Scheme: this scheme allows students to borrow, at low cost, teeth at your mum and insisting Billie Holiday (although doesn’t the college of folk singers using works of art to put on their walls. on calling her ‘Mrs Roberts’ quite carry the same degree of opera voices (Damien Rice, James despite being introduced to her by sophistication ) but she’s far too Blunt). Of course, Jamie Oliver her first name. Be warned: in her good to hang around with you. will be providing the school din- Where & when? Find out more, and borrow a work of art, at the Student dreams he calls her ‘Sandra’… Secretly you want to be her. But ners. Squash Monday 10 October 5-7pm - free Ways of Living is on at Kettle’s Yard until 20th November, free entry. BLACK07.10.05 HISTORYMONTH Black History Month Varsity 31 As BLACK HISTORY MONTH celebrates the contribution of black citizens to Britain’s cultural life, Varsity looks at cultural life at a university where there are FEWER BLACK STUDENTS THAN STUDENTS WITH THE SURNAME WHITE. EMMA PATERSON discovers a serious lack of black student involvement in our cultural scene.

hroughout my life, despite contemporary female black my African-English her- poets. The city of Cambridge Titage, people have told me itself celebrates the month with that they think of me as cultur- a high profile programme of ally white. Why? Because I events. That such a celebration spent seven years at an inde- exists is a refreshing and stimu- pendent school, and I am now lating mark of progression, in my final year at Cambridge. acceptance and open-minded- To some, maybe I’m a traitor, to ness. But in a modern, multina- others, even a symbol of eman- tional society – and one that the cipation. To all, perhaps, I have Labour government has pro- stepped away from the tribe, claimed as just and integrated, and entered a white man’s ‘where diversity is valued’ - it is world. also surely to be expected. I, for Fellows have been fighting one, would not expect anything with this description of less. And yet, at my university, I Cambridge for years, but, as have grown to do so. CUSU President Laura Walsh It is hard to defend your uni- told Varsity, the percentage of versity against accusations of black students in the university being a microcosm of a white remains “pitifully poor”. It is no man’s world when it is rare to secret that there exists an see a black face within its arts under-representation of black community. No one that I know students at the university. Chine can remember seeing any black Mbubaegbu was absolutely right actors in an Amateur Dramatic when she commented in Varsity Club production for years. that this is “an issue that Neither has there recently been becomes increasingly tiresome a black playwright represented the more and more it is brought by an ADC theatre production. up.” We know that there are No black writers were published more people with the surname in last year’s Mays anthology. White than there are black One out of the twenty members undergraduates, and that of the Cambridge University despite the efforts of access offi- Jazz Orchestra is black, and for cers to attract ethnic minority the two years before this there students, the number of black have been no black members at students has only increased by all. It would be irresponsible to two in the past two years. These separate these figures from the are all damning and inexcusable minute proportion of black stu- statistics. Yet they are accepted. dents in the university as a What goes unmentioned, how- whole, but it would be even “I DON’T NEED TO “People say ‘There aren’t place to live. The university has ADC simply because I am half ever, is how those black stu- more so to use this alone as a enough black actors so you can’t its share of vocally racist stu- black. But in a university that dents who are here are being justification for them. That the GAZE UP ATA cast it, so you can’t put it on.’ dents.” boasts of a rich and diverse arts forced to stand on the periphery university rugby club boasts BLACK FACE EVERY But the fewer plays there are One actor tells me that, when community, what I do need is to of the university’s cultural over half a dozen black players TIME I VISIT THE with roles for black actors, the faced with the problem of find- know that I can if I make the scene. emphasises this artistic dearth less confident the black actors in ing a black actor for a lead role, choice. And a black student This month the nation begins by comparison. What is most ADC SIMPLY Cambridge become - because it was suggested to the director auditioning for a part in Romeo to celebrate Black History evidently an admissions issue is BECAUSE I AM HALF confidence comes from per- of the play by the ADC that she and Juliet shouldn’t be restricted Month, an occasion designed to also inextricably bound up with BLACK.” formance – and the less willing blacken a white actor’s face. to the role of Mercutio, simply promote the knowledge of black a collective mindset that is pas- they are to audition when there Stacey Gregg, who directed Six because he was played by a historical experience, and to sively accepting of the status is a role for them, and the roles Degrees of Separation for the black actor in the Baz observe and pay tribute to the quo and undemanding of just gradually disappear because Pembroke Players last year Luhrmann production. He positive cultural contributions of change. The President of the you can’t cast them’. And he’s described to Varsity the difficul- should be able to play Romeo in black people to British society. ADC, Benjamin Deery, whilst right. Identification is central to ties she faced trying to cast for a production that makes the David Adjaye and Malcolm acknowledging the absence of both a sense of acceptance, and the Caribbean male lead: “I had Montagues a black family Purkey, interviewed for this artistic diversity, declared that of self-belief. If an African stu- to audition for over a month, no because in one of the country’s spread, provide two examples of he was unwilling for the Club to dent sees only English names one was coming forward and it leading universities, no actor black professionals at the top of employ methods of positive dis- upon a newspaper page, is there reached the point when I was should be racially distanced their respective fields yet still crimination in order to deal with not the implicit message that being advised to cast an Indian from a work that is not, and artistically aware of their ethnic- this void. He told Varsity that African names are not meant actor instead.” Stacey ignored never has been, racially specific. ity. The past few months have “hope for a broader spectrum of for, and will never be seen on, these suggestions and ultimately There are no easy solutions. witnessed countless events held theatrical diversity is totally that page? What is created is a persuaded a black student to And perhaps I render myself as in honour of the occasion; the understandable and justifi- chain of inferiority in which the make his debut on the stage in guilty as those I accuse of pas- exhibition ‘Back to Black’ at the able….the theatre societies of black student sees only white her production. Similarly, a sivity and inaction by declaring Whitechapel Art Gallery offered Cambridge are totally receptive success, and becomes alienated director was told at a European that I have none. But a tire- us a broad survey of the Black to those who would effect this from extracurricular life. Theatre Group interview that some and unsolvable issue or Arts Movement during the change”, comfortably recognis- But how far is it merely pas- staging a production of Othello not, to voice a defiance of its 1960s and ‘70s; the British Film ing the need for progression but sivity that contributes to this would prove unrealistic. Such evils seems only fitting as we Institute presented ‘Black distancing the responsibility to alienation? Posted upon the information, though anecdotal, approach a month of cultural World’ exploring the history, enact it from his own hands. CUSU forum board is the quota- paints an intolerant and events dedicated to a celebra- evolution and cultural impact of t seems fair then that Robin tion: “I’ve been in Cambridge depressingly ignorant picture of tion of the courage to do black cinema; and Renaissance Sivalapan, an enthusiastic for nearly four years now, and a university that is supposedly exactly that. One, an independent agency in Iactor while studying at when I’m out in the city,I defi- working to attract and admit a London set up to promote poets Cambridge, explained to Varsity nitely get more racist abuse greater number of ethnic minor- Due to a production error beyond and novelists, is currently lead- what he felt was a “vicious shouted at me now than I did ity students. Varsity’s control, the above article four years ago. I find Cambridge I don’t need to gaze up at a did not consistently appear on ing the ‘Bittersweet Tour’, cycle” of inaction within the page 16 of last week’s issue. which brings together the finest world of Cambridge theatre: to be an increasingly hostile black face every time I visit the

Jo Mountain and Laura Draper ask: Are there enough opportunities for Costume Design in Cambridge?

With at least 5 the- cations are posted on ‘Costume Designer’, but this If the thought of working alone wardrobes, and if that isn’t atres hosting stu- www.camdram.net and also depends on the director and the is too scary, larger shows like enough, there are charity shops dent productions sent out to the techies list, play. Some directors already the Pantomime at the end of all over Cambridge, especially every week and which you can join by e-mailing have a set image of the exact the Michaelmas term have a on Mill Road and on Burleigh around 15 dra- soc-adc-costumes they want, so they team of ‘seamstresses’ who Street by the Grafton Centre. matic societies, [email protected]. reel off a list of clothes for you share the load. Jo and Laura have both done costume Normally an interview is to find, whereas others focus on As for where to find cos- costumes for a number of designers are required but experience isn’t the broad concept of the design tumes, County Drama shows in Cambridge, and constantly always essential as long as and let you take it from there. Wardrobe on Gwydir Street has worked together on the cos- in you’re interested and know It is a big job, but one really a huge range from period to tume design for ‘Macbeth: the demand. how to use a needle and thread. great thing is that, apart from ethnic, which they hire out for Hour’, returning from the Adverts Sometimes the role is more the odd meeting here and there, a fortnight at a time. Homerton, Edinburgh Fringe to the ADC for appli- ‘Wardrobe Supervisor’ than you can do it in your own time. Christ’s and Darwin all have this week. 32 Varsity Advertisement 07.10.05 07.10.05 Listings Varsity 33

Ardol O’Hanlon Cat on a Hot Tin Roof New stand-up show from the star of Tennessee Williams’ Pullitzer-prize Father Ted and My Hero. winning play. ADC, 7.45pm, £5-£8, Tuesday 11th October The Corn Exchange, 7:30pm, £17.50, Wednesday 12th October until Saturday 15th Once On This Island Suddenly Last Summer A calypso musical.

stage Williams’ darkest work. APU Mumford Theatre, 7:30pm, £6.50 NUS, ADC, 11pm £3-£5, Wednesday 12th October Thursday 6th October until Saturday 8th until Saturday 15th Bouncers Macbeth: The Hour The Real Thing Comedy exploring the 80’s nightclub Tom Stoppard’s marriage comedy Dave King Shakespeare’s tragedy in sixty min- (left). scene. utes, back from Edinburgh. Cambridge Arts Theatre, 7:45pm, £10 NUS, APU Mumford Theatre, 7.30pm, £9.50/8, ADC, 7:30pm, £4/5, until Saturday 8th October until Saturday 8th October Monday 10th October until Wednesday 12th More great gigs than you could possibly go to this week.The The Threepenny Opera The Winter’s Tale Radio Play weekend kicks off on Friday Brecht’s bawdy musical, also back All-male ensemble performance of night with Klashnekoff at Clare Shakespeare’s passionate and One performer, many characters, from Edinburgh. live Jazz, comedy and film. Part of Cellars, and past experience ADC, 9pm, £4/5, until Saturday 8th October haunting play. suggests this will be a rowdy Cambridge Arts Theatre, various times and This Way Up Arts Festival. night, as one of the UK’s most under the blue, blue moon prices, Tuesday 11th October until Saturday The Junction, 8pm, £8/5, Tuesday 11th and exciting rappers works the 15th The Footlights Tour show. Wednesday 12th October crowd up in to such a frenzy the ADC, 11pm, £4/5, until Saturday 8th October walls will shake. For those who like to see upcoming bands, the Unsigned Bands Night at Selwyn will showcase some new talent including local band Night Watch (18) 10.50 Pride And Prejudice (U) Sleepwalker. If you fancy some- Arts Picturehouse Wedding Crashers (15) 11.00 Tuesday 11th October 2.20, 6.45 thing completely different, The Frankenstein (U) 10.40 Night Watch (18) History Of Violence (18) Trachtenburg Family Friday 7th October Night Watch (18) 1.45, 4.15, 6.45, 9.15 2.00, 9.15 Slideshow Players at the Sunday 9th October Pride And Prejudice (U) Howl’s Moving Castle (U) Junction take old slides found at 1.00, 3.30, 6.00, 8.30 Pride And Prejudice (U) Night Watch (18) 3.30, 6.20 12.00, 4.00, 6.30, 9.00 car boot sales and use them as 1.00, 3.30, 6.00, 8.30 History Of Violence (18) a back drop for a musical come- 1.00, 3.30, 8.30 History Of Violence (18) Pride And Prejudice (U) 2.00, 8.45 dy show which has got them 1.00, 3.30, 8.30 Howl’s Moving Castle (U) College Films gushing reviews from New York 2.00, 6.30, 8.45 Howl’s Moving Castle (U) History Of Violence (18) 4.00 to London. 2.00, 6.30, 8.45 All About Eve (U) Christ’s If you recover from all that in 4.00, 6.00 Team America: World Police

screen Howl’s Moving Castle (U) 9.15 time, Saturday cranks the pace Late Shows: Sunday 9th October 8:30 and10pm Night Watch (18) 10.50 4.00, 6.00 up yet further. People organised Repertory: Wednesday 12th October enough to have ticket will be Wedding Crashers (15) 11.00 John’s Frankenstein (U) 10.40 Taking Sides (15) Night Watch (18) enjoying Bloc Party at the Corn 12.00 1.45, 4.15, 6.45, 9.15 Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy Exchange. For the rest of us, the Sunday 9th of October 2005 7pm & Saturday 8th October Pride And Prejudice (U) Junction hosts two different Monday 10th October 1.00, 3.30, 6.45 10pm events which both look exciting. Night Watch (18) 1.00, 3.30, 6.00, 8.30 Night Watch (18) History Of Violence (18) Anyone who likes to feel their 1.45, 4.15, 6.45, 9.15 2.00, 9.15 ribs shake to a filthy bass should Pride And Prejudice (U) 1.00, 3.30, 8.30 Pride And Prejudice (U) Howl’s Moving Castle (U) head over to Warning for 1.00, 3.30, 8.30 4.00, 6.30, 9.00 Cambridge’s largest d’n’b night, History Of Violence (18) 2.00, 6.30, 8.45 History Of Violence (18) featuring Shy FX, Fabio, Zinc, 2.00, 6.30, 8.45 Thursday 13th October and Swift among others. Howl’s Moving Castle (U) 4.00, 6.00 Howl’s Moving Castle (U) Night Watch (18) Alternatively the 4.00, 6.00 1.45, 4.15, 6.45, 9.15 Cambridgebands.com 2nd Late Shows: Birthday event should have some of the best local acts on show. On Sunday, Ladytron at APU will be displaying their electro- Coveney: Island Identity in Misthu Austin: Batik pop moves and showing why the Fens and Currency in A show of textiles that proves there they have managed to get such Africa really is more to batik than tie-dying. an obsessive following. The Two of several small exhibitions in Clare Hall, free entry, 23rd September until 9th often controversial but always the Andrews exhibition gallery that October unique Radio 1 DJ Tim explore the extensive reserve collec- Westwood at the Soul Tree will tions of the museum. The Antarctic Photographs be pumping out floor filling hip of Herbert Ponting hop and maybe some gun shot Museum of Archaeology and Anthropology, free entry, 19th September Until 1st December Photographs taken from the original Life, ritual and immortality: sound effects. After public negatives of the intrepid photogra- Eating and Drinking in demand the Sunday Wish List Ways of Living The Real Madagascar pher who accompanied Scott's China slot sees the return of the Contemporary sculpture from expedition to the Antarctic in 1910- Scrath Perverts at the Fez who An exploration of the Special display of Chinese bronze, four internationally renowned artists. flora and fauna of the strange island 1914 (right). jade and ceramic vessels used for will be showing off their turntable Each exhibit explores the relation- Scott-Polar Research Institute, free entry, 1st of Madagascar, from pre-history to September until 31st March 2006 rituals and daily life skills and making people throw ship between art and life (above). Fitzwilliam Museum, 4th October - 3rd January down their best moves on the the present day. 2006, free entry Kettle’s Yard, dance floor. free entry, 1st October until 20th Museum of Zoology, free entry, 19th July until November 24th December Being and Not Being Black After that weekend everyone Part of Black History Month in Drawn to Africa should be throughly exhausted, Cambridge Illuminations Naini Cambridge, curated by Hakim Workshops including African fabric but if anyone still has the cash exhibitions The largest and most comprehensive This one woman show explores the Onitolo. painting, Sona sand drawing, Kente and enthusiasm This Modern cloths and African Indigo dye draw- Love at Po Na Na will carry on exhibition of illuminated manuscripts an Indian artist’s output since she Artspace Gallery, free entry, 4th October until arrived in England in 1992. 26th October ing. where the anarchic Piss Up including ten centuries’ worth from Museum of Archaeology and Anthropology, Cambridge collections. New Hall, free entry, 10th September until 9th selected dates throughout October and Look Sharp left off, not forgetting October Currency In Africa November, free Fitzwilliam Museum, free entry, 26th July until Museum of Archaeology and Anthropology, 19th singer songwriter Brendon 11th December Sept - 1st March 2006, free entry Benson at the Junction.

The Trachtenberg Warning Freshen Up Queen Adreena This Modern Love Rumboogie International Student Family Slideshow drum’n’bass with Shy FX, fresher’s ent with Tim goth dreams indie, electro, grime the student magnet Night Players Fabio, Zinc, and others Westwood and DJs from 7pm £9 8-12 £2 9-2 £4 NUS na zdravje! wonderful pop-comedy 11pm £3 This Modern Love and The Junction Po Na Na Ballare 9-2 £4 8pm £10 The Junction Spunkyfunk Ballare The Junction 9-2 £8 Fat Poppadaddy’s Bad Timing MOBO student tour cambridgebands.com The Soul Tree the ‘alternative’ alternative with Kevin Blechdom with Sway live Ministry of Sound Def Fly and Real The Shivers, Sunday driv- 9-2:30 £2 NUS 8:30 £4 NUS 9-2 £5 it’s all gone Pete Tong Klashnekoff and Terra er and others Ladytron Fez The Portland Arms Soul Tree 10-2 £8 Firma 7:30 £5 beautiful electropop The Junction 9-1 £4 The Junction 8pm £12 International Student Top Banana Clare Cellars APU Night CUSU’s weekly Urbanite The Indie Thing pohjanmaan kautta! fruit-market with beatboxer Faith SFX Generator sweatier rock and indie Scratch Perverts 9:30-2 £5 9-2 £4 NUS 9-2 £3 angular-fringe indie 11pm £3 dextrous hip hop DJs Life Ballare Soul Tree 9:30-2 £3 Kambar 9-2:30 £6 Kambar Fez Unique Bloc Party School Days LBG night Unsigned Bands rock genius Sunday Roast ‘free entry in school 9:30-1 Night 8pm sold out the opposite of church uniform’ £4 hip hop for townsfolk Corn Exchange 9-1 £4 NUS 9:30-2 £5 7:30pm £4 Life Ballare Selwyn Bar fri sat sun mon tue wed thu

CAMBRIDGEEYE.COM YOUR WEEKLY GUIDE TO GOING OUT IN CAMBRIDGE next-day gig reviews on varsity.co.uk 34 Varsity Advertisement 07.10.05 07.10.05 Advertisement Varsity 35 36 Varsity Box Ads & Classifieds 07.10.05

HATS PRESENTS AUDITION NOTICE AUDITION NOTICE GEOGRAPHY OF A ‘CAMERA OBSCURA’ ‘DEAD FUNNY’ HORSE DREAMER by Terry Johnson by Ned Beauman by Sam Shepard Corpus Playroom mainshow SamSam SmileySmiley ADC Lateshow Week 5 Auditions: Week 5 68 Trumpington Street Sat 8th: Chetwynd Rm, King’s, 1-4pm Green Room, Gonville & Caius Winstanley Lecture Theatre, 1pm - 3pm on Saturday 7th Sun 9th: Keynes Hall, King’s, 2-5pm Trinity College 3pm - 6pm on Sunday 9th Oct. MALE ACTORS ONLY Saturday 8th October 10am-2pm Special Offer Info: iw224 / sap49 Email trak2 for more info Sunday 9th October 11am-3pm Free Large Filter Coffee AUDITIONS BOOKS FOR SALE for or Tea with any filled ‘TAPE’ 1. Anthology of Chinese Literary Essays by Stephen Belber product before 10.30am. (translated to English) http://li_chungwang0.tripod.com Saturday 8th October: 9-12, 3-6 available from 11.00am 2. The Philosophy of Mechanics Sunday 9th October: 9-3 http://lcwangmech.tripod.com Green Room, Gonville & Caius Any Queries: [email protected] Only £1.50

ANGELA HEWITT - Bats and King’s Rats THE EUROPEAN THEATRE GROUP (ETG) AUDITIONS will be holding AUDITIONS for their 2005/6 tour show PIANIST for In Concert ‘PAPER FLOWERS’ THE TAMING OF THE SHREW by Egon Wolff Saturday 8th & Sunday 9th October, 10am - 6pm 7.30pm, Friday 14th October 2005 Saturday 8th October: 10-3 ‘The Room on R’, Sidney Sussex College at West Road Concert Hall, Cambridge Sunday 9th October: 12-4 Munby Room, King’s College Gothic extremities.Violins. Fairytales. Jagged Glass. Bach: French Suite no.3 BWV 814 Contact es333 for more info Ruffs and knee-high boots. Europe 2005. Beethoven: Sonata op 10 no.3 CLASSIFIEDS: HATS Presents UK Premiere of Pasolini’s ORGY - Week 4, Playroom Lateshow. Chopin: 3 Mazurkas op 50 Auditions: O Staircase, Supervision Room, Pembroke College 08/10/05 and 09/10/05, 11AM - 3PM. 3 waltzes Model 4 artists! £11 ph. Interesting, occasional work 4 m&f. Find out more: 01223 571816 Scherzo no. 2 www.derekbatty.com. Models Required: for life drawing, £11 per hour (inexperienced models are wel- come). Contact: Mr Kourbaj, Visual Art Centre, Christ’s College. Email: [email protected] Tickets £20, £15, £10 [under 13s, OAPS, restricted view seats] Don’t forget to come to the VARSITY SQUASH! See the ad for details. Please send an SAE and cheque made payable to ‘King’s College School Development Appeal’ to: The Development Office, King’s College School, West Rd., Cambridge CB3 9DN

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[email protected] Tell You 07.10.05 Advertisement Varsity 37 38 Varsity Sport 07.10.05 Rugby league faux-pas in France Varsity winners go down 32-26 to French University Champions in Paris

Jonny Lloyd

ast weekend the University’s growing rugby league squad A WEEK IN THE LIFE OF Lflew out to Paris to face Nanterre University in the first annual fixture Lilie Weaver - University pitting the winners of the Varsity match against the cream of French Womens Rowing trialist student rugby league. CUARLFC enjoyed a thrilling win over Oxford last March and the last minute victo- monday ry so impressed the French side that Lie in - fantastic! Work keeps me busy an invitation to play soon followed. during the day and spend the rest of Given the rather frenetic nature of the time not eating brownies and not this mini-tour, the squad only trained drinking wine in a friend’s room. This is for 90 minutes on the morning of the going to take some getting used to. match – for some players their first outing since the Varsity triumph. Worries that a summer spent packing tuesday boxes in warehouses or lazing on a 6am start. the crews have been mixed beach would have dulled skills were up again, so we’re trying to learn to unfounded however, with the morn- row together. We’re done by 8:30am ing’s training revealing a remarkably and I can’t see how I’m going to stay well-drilled and composed side. awake during my 9ams this year! The match itself was surprising: French sides tend to favour a very loose style of play – throwing the ball wednesday around early in the tackle-count, tak- Today’s evening session is an ergo ing risks with the wide pass and often [rowing machine] at Goldie boathouse. running on the fifth tackle. Nanterre, Then we have the pleasure of our first bolstered by a fantastic Kiwi play- weigh-in and fat test. The female light- maker, seemed to take a more Anglo- weights have to weigh 59kg by the Saxon approach by steadily making boat races in March. I weigh 63.5 kg, hard yards up the middle coupled which leaves four and a half to go - with a conservative kicking game. back to the salads and bowls of Fruit The French side, with a month’s and Fibre then... training under their belt, executed their plan with confidence and took an early lead. thursday The Cambridge back-three strug- I try to appreciate the sunrise over the gled admirably to cope with this pre- Cam, but it’s shining inconveniently cision kicking, and all too often the right in my eyes, and my legs hurt. The boys in blue were forced to run from worst blisters and sore patches are well within their own twenty. covered up by rolls of hockey-stick Faced with such an unusual French tape, which makes the whole squad attack, Cambridge responded with look like a bunch of mummies. some ferocious and destructive Cambridge push for win but fall just short in Paris defence around the ruck area. The first 40 minutes echoed some of the At half time the score was 18-14 to entertaining the hundreds in the Warriors Academy, London friday tenacity shown by the great Nanterre. Although they were trail- crowd and thousands watching on Broncos/Harlequins Academy and The end of another week, nominally, Cambridge rugby league teams of the ing, a solo try from Bobby Forrest late French television. The Cambridge Warrington Wizards. While these anyway. In honour of this, I have two mid-eighties. Chairman of CUARLFC, in the first half had given Cambridge players could not be faulted for their high profile matches are very impor- outings, then fall asleep. Pretty much Martin Woodcock, a player in three momentum. The second half saw attitude, with most barely able to tant in the club’s Varsity preparation, the same as every other day then! mid-eighties Varsity matches Cambridge lose a forward following a walk off the pitch at the end of the the focus is undoubtedly on the remarked: “I was particularly bruising tackle. Old boy Bobby game. Nevertheless, largely thanks to BUSA league and cup. impressed by the way in which Forrest, aided by Fitzwilliam stalwart an unavoidable lack of match prepa- With a squad of players committed saturday Cambridge kept their cool and did not David Bulley, continued his charac- ration Cambridge eventually lost 32- to the game both on and off the field Wake up feeling quite ill, hoping it’s just a allow their frustration to lead to con- teristically unselfish game, taking the 26. as well as further tours to the south of lack of sleep. We only have one outing ceding penalties, which should ball up at every opportunity and forc- This season, the club will again France and the USA planned, the ren- this morning, but it’s not very good. Our always be a key aim for Cambridge ing repeated line breaks. take on some serious opposition, with aissance of CUARLFC looks secure. concentration goes fairly quickly, fol- teams”. The tries were scored at both ends, matches confirmed against Wigan lowed by our technique and general abil- ity to row. Have the afternoon off, so go to find my college children. Why don’t we have a pool? sunday The day starts off with our racing pieces. We manage to knock a massive eight Loughborough, Warwick, London, a long time and a new injection of enthu- technical note, a 50m pool would provide seconds off our time on the second Sophie Pickford Bristol, Southampton, Bradford, siasm, publicity or perhaps more impor- the opportunity for water polo to be piece, giving us the win overall. An Aberystwyth, Chester and – wait for it – tantly, money, must be the order of the played double-deep. Currently players are exhausting, but enjoyable and rewarding n 1892 the Cambridge Review observed De Montfort, but somehow the gleaming day. In the meantime the University forced to scrabble around in a pool that is week. that ‘a swimming bath is now begin- spires and hallowed halls of our interna- swimming and water polo clubs continue too narrow, too short and too shallow, try- Ining to be considered as a necessity in tionally renowned establishment have yet to use the Leys School pool for the most of ing desperately not to touch the bottom, a most of our large public schools’. to house such a facility. their training, one of the University’s less particular embarrassment when visiting Consequently, the article continues, ‘it To be fair to the University, plans for a fine traditions stretching back to 1906. teams come for matches. It is a mark of seems strange that we are still without £38 million sports centre with a sports Parkside is also sometimes used, though the dedication of both University swim- one.’ This astute commentator of 113 hall, squash and tennis courts, 50m pool the prohibitively high costs of hiring this mers and polo players in the face of these years ago could, sadly, just as well have and sports science centre are underway; council-run pool as well as with its limit- adverse conditions that they regularly been writing this week, for the travesty architectural models have been built, a ed availability severely restricts use by the beat Oxford in the Varsity matches and Win a ‘world cinema collection’, a continues – Cambridge University has no site chosen and fundraising has begun. University club. Every year thousands of reach the BUSA finals. full set of 10 DVDs. World Cinema Collection is available to buy from pool. Bath has one, as do, amongst others, But, as with the fabled Cambridge rowing pounds of student subs are being spent on Yet, these are not the arguments that Pathe Distribution Ltd on 26th the Universities of Oxford, Nottingham, lake, this has all been going on for rather booking these facilities – money that will ultimately win over the University, September 2005. Thanks to would surely be better spent running the and it is to them that we must primarily www.fox.co.uk University’s own pool. appeal. Efforts are being made to raise N The sports complex envisaged by the funds (for that we are grateful) but the powers that be would place Cambridge at dominance of individually wealthy col- the very top of its field in the country in leges and the lack of a powerful, cen- L A terms of sporting facilities. Shockingly, the tralised body makes raising money for S O G

H U D S P UK has in total only nineteen 50m pools. these sorts of projects extremely difficult. E T R L H The 2012 Olympics build a further 50m In Oxford’s case it was an individual H facility for London, but often buildings donor. As one of the world’s leading R T P M C P erected for such large events result in the Universities, Cambridge should take more closure of other, smaller pools for financial immediate, personal responsibility for the reasons. The Cambridge University pool building of a pool. Its absence suggests would become a focal point for swimming that Cambridge takes little interest in the S E A R E Y and water polo in the East of England, it well-rounded scholar, something that will could host major competitions and pro- only increase the rate of the ‘brain drain’ vide a cheap means of exercise for the to the States and to other UK universities. C I E E T S (c) Adam Edelshain University population as a whole. Even Perhaps it is this more academic argument Re-arrange the letters by rotating the with a city leisure card the price of a sin- that the University will finally respond to. discs to create six seperate six-letter gle swim at Parkside is £2.20, similar to words leading in to the centre. Email your answer to: competitions@ Jamie Marland the cost of a college canteen meal. On a Kelsey Kerridge Swimming Pool varsity.co.uk 07.10.05 Sport Varsity 39 Boxing the new Boat Race? Boxing legend and CUABC Patron Chris Eubank talks to Adam Edelshain ut of the blue Chris Eubank ciate the mental side of the game. “I offered to help the university’s don’t do commentary or what I call Oamateur boxers by honing their analysing as most people only under- mental toughness. The top boxer stand the basics, but at Cambridge they became the team’s patron in December seem to appreciate the higher learning Channel Hopper 2004 and advised them before last in the sport. I thought, yes, this I can year’s Varsity fight. do. I’m speaking to people who under- His record is impressive: world cham- stand a higher learning, so when I’ve The right thing to do when you have pion for five and a half years, changed given mental seminars…I had a captive just got home a bit drunk at one in the up a weight division, then won a sec- audience.” morning is to have a glass of water ond world title, which he defended for “The way I approach mental warfare and a long pee and then fall into bed. a record 19 consecutive fights. Eubank in the four cornered circle has always I know this. Nevertheless I am not attributes that success ‘almost exclu- been through experience and for me, the asleep. I am watching Quiz Nation. sively’ to his mental toughness. Passing physical fight itself is not to be considered (And, apparently, using the dramatic on these tips may have made a differ- as important as the mental preparation. present. Crikey.) The names of a ence in Varsity boxing - Cambridge won Once you’ve prepared you cannot fail. As SINGER AND SONG are on screen their fourth consecutive match against the saying goes ‘If you fail to prepare, except they are missing some crucial Oxford with an emphatic 9-0 white- then prepare to fail.’ I spoke to [the letters, so that they read xEYxNCx wash in March. Cambridge boxers] about body language KNxxLxS “CxxZx Ix LxVx”. The former world middle-weight and confidence. It’s all about confi- That’s Beyonce Knowles, Crazy In champion and television personality dence.” Love, I say to no-one in particular. rarely commentates on the sport any- But when passing on his tips the man Then there’s a sound effect of a more and many assumed he was glad to with all the confidence showed little con- ’phone ringing and the well-scrubbed see the back of what he once called the cern for a sport on the ropes. young man on screen says “Caller, ‘mug’s game’. So Varsity sparred with the Two deaths in three month have made you’re through to Quiz Nation, what’s 39 year-old pugilist turned professor of safety a concern for boxers and the pub- your name?” And the caller says his boxing as he skipped through the sport, lic. Professional fighters Leavander name is John, and then he says the higher-learning and his plans. Johnson and Martin Sanchez died this answer is Beyonce Knowles, Crazy In “Philip Bonn [a friend] thought it year due to injuries sustained in the ring. Love, and the presenter, who (it will would be a good idea, having been Despite these recent fatalities Eubank later emerge) is called Tim Dixon, says schooled at Cambridge, and under- was adamant that at university level “Is it right…” and there’s a brief pause standing my background in intelligence there was ‘no risk whatsoever’. He indi- and then the letters fill in and John has and higher learning, of what boxing is cated that at the top level of almost all won 50 quid! And he’s obviously about.” Though lacking a university sports there were accidental deaths. An always picture perfect Eubank Michael Derringer much, much drunker than I am! education Eubank feels that his experi- “In sports accidents will always hap- Watson, who fell into a 40-day coma after thing about that’ and added that he had This makes me sit up a bit. I concen- ence can be useful to those who appre- pen. A few weeks ago there was a death the fight. more ideas to make the centenary Varsity trate. Another puzzle has appeared. in the Tour de France, horseracing has A second problem is the state of the fight ‘as big as the rugby and the rowing’. PHRASE, it says at the top: NURKD deaths every now and again, Formula 1, female sport, which has low turnouts Elevating the centenary Varsity match SA A DOLR. “This is the first puzzle of even football – Marc-Vivian Foé just at fights and poor pay for fighters. in the sporting calendar is one of many to come before 2am”, Tim says. fact file dropped down dead on the pitch.” Eubank says this is due to a lack of Eubank’s main objectives and hopefully “Call if you haven’t fallen asleep. “Of course it concerns me, but with top quality female boxers. “Supply is Cambridge, with Eubank’s support will Danny, where are you? Call back, Name: Chris Eubank the standard of [university] boxing going to be rather limited simply win the 2007 bout. Perhaps his ambitions Danny, get yourself another £100.” Born: 1956, Dulwich and even the heavyweight division because as human beings women are are fuelled by the recent break down of Crikey, I think. Who’s this Danny? And Boxing Career: which was quite fierce, it is going to commissioned to be dainty and deli- his marriage to wife, Karron, who left the why should he get all the fun? WBO Middleweight champion, be pretty safe. It isn’t professional, it’s cate. We are now in the 21st century family home in August. He is determined No, I reason. Don’t be stupid. It’s WBO Supermiddleweight champion amateur boxing. It takes many years and also the fact that women are to make the centenary of the Varsity box- obviously a scam. Then the ringing Record: 19 defences of his title to learn how to punch with devastat- more involved is a good thing as it ing match a big event, but it also appears sound effect blares out again. It’s John Alias: Simply the best ing consequences. brings a different audience.” that there are one or two other projects from earlier. “John!” cries Tim, Favourite fight: vs Nigel Benn The risks of boxing are well-known to Chris Eubank, who bought the title being worked on at present. besides himself with glee; “Good to Boxer of all time: Mohammed Ali Eubank. In 1991 he fought Michael Lord of the Manor of Brighton, is such a “I have a boxing product which I’m hear from you! What’s the answer?” Current boxer: Amir Khan gentleman that he worries that his launching and I have a very big project John is quiet for a moment. “I don’t Restaurant: “No one has ever coaching gives Cambridge an advantage. that I’m working on. Cambridge could really have a clue, mate,” he finally The Ivy, London “It isn’t quite fair for me to have the actually be a part of this, but I can’t say manages. Tim looks tense. “It’s four Food: West Indian knocked me out; a experience that I have and that I’ve anymore about this at the moment.” words, John,” he says, “Four words,” Philosophy: passed on and for them [Oxford] not to Eubank recently started working with and just as he’s saying four words for Common sense shotgun couldn’t have anybody of equal status who can East Anglia Children’s Hospices. He the second time John says “How Song: give them pointers.” hopes to raise money for EACH through many words is it?” Tim, to his credit, Bob Marley, Stir it Up keep me down!” Such a disparity not being entirely the Varsity match and the Cambridge doesn’t miss a beat. “It’s four words, ‘fair-play’ Eubank says he will ‘do some- boxers. John,” he confidently replies. John mulls this over, and then, in a bright voice, ventures: “One of them’s defi- 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 Across Down nitely DARK.” Tim winces. I wince. 8 9 1. It’s tedious to make Eastern 2. Void I fed one into to be invali- John winces too, I expect, if his eye sport in brief string in tune (13) dated (9) muscles are still working. 10 11 10. What the dark side think of the 3. He prophesied human The hotlines are thrown open again, light? (9) destruction (5) and now I am sorely tempted. No-one Cricket: 11. Command for headless, con- 4. Came in as reed net failed (7) calls. Tim does the TV presenter’s Freshers’ cricket trials will be fused Leftie (5) 5. Receding waters swept equivalent of treading water. “If you’re held on Nov 12th, 19th and 12 13 12. Hatred sparked when I’m Debbie away with Tim’s head (7) still awake you’re in with a chance,” he 26th from 11am - 1pm. Book mixed with duo (5) 6. Bride’s possessions philoso- points out, the old tempter; “There’s a your place at the trials by 13. Replace article with interest pher put on tabletop (9) load of cash for you-oo!” Then he emailing Tom (tes28) listing 14 15 16 17 compounded (9) 7. Sounds like she’s a low point sings a snatch of the Bear name, college and standard! 14. Was last partner Edward? (7) (5) Necessities, I think taking his cue from 16. Gull in meadow, confused and 8. Mad to no longer be a rolling the way he pronounced that last ‘you’. Tennis: unending (7) stone (13) Then looks down and says “Ooh, The Womens’ Blues Tennis 18 19 20 18. Compensation regarding robe 9. Unique place in blearier sur- what’s that on my foot? Something’s team won their Varsity match (7) roundings (13) gone a bit wet, what’s that?” which is held during the summer on 20. Corrosive accountants is cut 15. Run to the East - simplifies to the sort of thing you can do on Nation July 7th and 8th at Queens 21 22 23 out (7) that (9) 217 at 1.45 am that you can’t on club in London 17-4 against 21. Donkey faced queen; old king 17. Well-known that common- primetime ITV and which Tim will need Oxford. The score speaks for grabbed it for the pot! (9) sense with nothing added sub- to keep an eye on if he’s going to get itself and the whole team 23. Main supply-line for a golden dues lively riot (9) anywhere in this business. And still played very well. 24 25 army? (5) 19. Ate quickly whilst mocked (7) no-one calls. 24. Nell looks back to the east to 20. Smoke of revolutionary origin Finally I break. I call. I don’t get Water Polo: see her (5) (7) through. I try again. I spend about £3. University water polo trials 25. Fools trot foolishly at pouffe (9) 22. Make voles do puzzle (5) “Where are you all?” Tim plaintively th 26 will be held this Sunday, 9 26. Second rites in French dis- 23. Sounds like our lad’s fire- asks. Then Danny calls back. “Drunk October at the Leys School played obscurity (13) raising (5) (c) Mathmo as a Lord”, he confidently pro- Pool. Ladies trials will take nounces. “Danny, you’re a huge win- place from 11-12.30pm and ner!” Tim says. “That money will be the Men’s from 12.30-2pm. POT BLACK with you within three to five working See www.cuswpc.org for days, completely tax free!” I go to bed, more details and a map. Instructions: and forget to drink a glass of water on Complete the questions in order from red to black. The answer to the way. Hockey: each ball is integral to the following question. This column would not have been The Blues dominated the possible without Sky Plus. second half after a tight first Which rising British tennis star just broke into the top 100? and forced Oxford to Which national team plays rugby at ‘redball’ field? www.nation217.tv concede a penalty which Jamie Parker scored. “Yellowball’s” flag is white and which colour? Quiz Nation, Channel 217, Cambridge held the lead until 8am - 2am every day the last five minutes when How many points do you get for potting the ‘greenball’ ball? their concentration slipped Which football team have won ‘brownball’ European cups? For answers to the crossword and Pot and the side conceded two Black, contact: Who captains ‘blueball’? competitions late goals to lose the match @varsity.co.uk 2-1. How old is ‘pinkball’? Varsity 07.10.05 RUGBY UNION RUGBY LEAGUE HOCKEY INVESTIGATION

Gown overpower Town Beaten in French tour Cambridge 1 - 2 Oxford Where is our pool? sport Blues defeat Cambridge City French side Nanterre claim 32- Cambridge lose after leading in Special report on the lack of a 41-0 at Grange Road 26 Victory in Paris tight game against Oxford Hawks university swimming pool

Sophie Pickford meets CUBC President Tom Edwards

his year, from late September through to the second of April, Ttwenty men will train six days a week for four hours a day in pursuit of one goal. They will give up their social life, compromise on work, tear their hands apart, suffer from back ache, fall asleep in lectures and run themselves into the ground, constantly risking injury and illness. And what for? The Boat Race. Three short words that will rule their hearts and minds for the coming months. But what exactly makes the blues rowing squad tick? I met the new blues president Tom Edwards, who shed some light on this perplexing question. Hailing from Tasmania and researching a PhD in Medical Genetics, Doctor Tom breaks the mould of the cranially-chal- lenged sportsman. His rowing pedigree is impressive; he has represented Australia at under-23 level and, crucially, was also in last year’s defeated Boat Race crew, something that provides a daily motiva- tion for this year’s campaign. There is ‘no hiding’ at CUBC, ‘your personality is exposed through the toughness of the “I would love to beat Oxford in every single race” Andy Sims process’, you are seen at your best and at your worst and this can result in the deepest of friendships. Earning the respect of peers both as a person and as a McInroy stars in demolition derby rower is high on his agenda for the ath- letes on this year’s programme, an approach that will provide daily, tangible stepping stones for the squad members in Joe Speight Blues thrash lacklustre Cambridge City in 41-0 demolition a process that can often seem perpetual and harsh. glance down at the Cambridge on the part of the latter. Within a quar- name to the scoresheet. Having been spectacle. McInroy however sparked This attitude of respect and friendship University teamsheet before this ter of an hour the scoreboard could camped out in the City half, Akinluyi the game into life once again with a stretches beyond the confines of CUBC to A‘Town vs Gown’ encounter at have read Ian McInroy 14-0 Cambridge was tackled just short of the line having wonderful run from half-way deep into the women’s and lightweights’ boat clubs, Grange Road revealed the scale of the City. Twice the outside centre ran in to been thread through by captain Ed the City twenty-two, popping the ball who are being permitted this year to use challenge facing the Blues this season. convert flowing back moves from the Carter, but the next phase of attack led inside for Carter to score the fifth try of the Goldie boathouse more than ever Of the fifteen who ran out at Light Blue outfit. First after just eight to McInroy sending the ball wide to the the night. Further scores followed as before. Tom would ‘love to beat Oxford in Twickenham for the 2004 Varsity minutes, a dynamic passage of running 19 year old who bundled the ball over the forwards decided to get in on the every single race’ and recognises the Match, just three started against this rugby in which both wingers Jo Ansbro in the corner. The conversion hit the scoring act, first No.8 Ed Andrews responsibility the club has for University second string Cambridge City side. and Dave Akinluyi ran City ragged the post but a further seven points took the grabbed a pushover try following a rowing as a whole. A coaching course has Vastly experienced performers such as ball was popped up for McInroy to score to 26-0 to the home side at half rolling maul and substitute Charlie been set up for college rowers, the devel- Ben Dormer, Simon Frost, Fergie sprint in under the posts from fifteen time following a powerful charge Desmond’s jinking run eventually opment squad will continue to run and Gladstone and Aki Abiola have moved metres. Shortly afterwards he burst through the heart of the City defence resulted in prop Ed Kalman exploiting trialists will be encouraged to return to on, as well as coaching legend Dick through a gap in the line to sidestep by Alberts, showing great strength to an overlap to score in the corner. their colleges for the Mays. It is clear that Tilley. But despite a disappointing win- around the static full-back Altus resist a desperate last ditch challenge Despite the margin of victory, one CUBC is truly attempting to perceive the less tour to Japan during the summer Laubscher to add a further five points and slide over the beautifully lush should not get too carried away with bigger picture, and is seeking an increased vacation, the first home game of the to the University score. McInroy con- Grange Road pitch to score under the hope and expectation. This was a very engagement with the rest of the season heralded some hope for the verted both tries to give his side a dom- posts. poor City outfit who posed few threats University’s rowing community. Light Blues in their 2005 Varsity con- inant foothold in the game which was With the game long since won and to the University side. Perhaps the most Despite this, Tom’s eyes remain firmly quest. never subsequently challenged. the opposition challenge dissipating, notable event of the encounter may on the final prize of Boat Race glory. The University side lined up against The Blues were looking particularly the second half became fragmented by prove to be the injury sustained to cap- Throughout the process he retains a their city counterparts in the battle for impressive when passing the ball out an endless string of substitutions which tain Ed Carter in the final minutes. He healthy respect for the opposition, for ‘not the ‘Trevor Littlechild Cup’ with a wide, and Ansbro capitalised to add his killed any lingering hope of an exciting hobbled off at the final whistle wincing to do so would be complacent and dan- number of players injured, but still with pain clutching his left knee. With gerous.’ The Cambridge squad is certainly boasted stars such as Nic Alberts and “Carter hobbled off wincing with pain an inexperienced squad such moments well stocked with internationals, and the the returning Ian McInroy. In fact, the of misfortune may be the difference long countdown to April 2nd. begins. early stages resembled a one-man show and clutching his left knee” between Varsity victory and defeat.

page 12<< Punk Attitude? page 13<< Quick Sudoku “I used to think Bluff your way Don Letts as Brideshead - the best way to exclusive Varsity gain a barista’s our guide to interview respect was to The object is to insert the num- champagne and say the order bers in the boxes to satisfy only one condition: each row, column sparkling wines p22-23<< absolutely and 3x3 box must contain the digits 1 through 9 exactly once. correctly” What could be simpler?