omewhere along the way my parents became right again. About make Razorcake a nonprofit because I heard how much it meant to my a year ago, my parents packed up their house in Maine, let it out Mom to work in rural Georgian towns dealing with civil rights problems for less than my share of rent in my apartment, and moved onto in the ‘60s. I may have gotten the courage to be poor as hell, but happier S their sailboat. They aren’t rich; they made a goal and made sac- than ever, working on something that really means something to me by rifices to meet it. They didn’t take vacations. They didn’t buy each other learning how my dad uprooted and moved to Maine to start in a low posi- Christmas presents. Their TV is older than some of you. tion in a waste water treatment plant, a job he would work his way up to But money wasn’t the only obstacle in their way. Broken parts and bad superintendent by the end of his career. weather are standard fare in longer sailing trips. Their doubts weren’t Understanding where you come from—whether it’s parents, friends, a quite so standard. town or a subculture—can help you to be more sure in where you are and As a tightly knit family, we’d suffered a pretty severe blow when my what direction you head. I didn’t find punk arbitrarily twenty years ago. I twenty-four-year-old cousin was killed last March. My mom didn’t want didn’t jump into working at Razorcake without thinking it through. Being to leave her sister’s side, and, now recognizing her own children’s mor- aware of your choices, being active in the course of your life, is a huge tality, didn’t want to leave us. The fall approached, fears were not neces- part of what punk rock is to me. It’s Do It Yourself, and not Take It As It sarily put to rest but eased, and they started to prepare for their journey. Comes for a reason. If you want a better anything—life, scene, venue— But through their preparation to leave, I think we finally began to get active, actually do something about it. Sure, it’s not easy. Sure, people understand one another. As I realized how long it would be until I ever saw will think you’re stupid, crazy, or just plain wrong. them, and began to deal with the fact that there was a chance that I never I mean, how many people truly do what they want in their lives? How would see them again, we began to really talk. I wanted to hear all the sto- many people put off that one thing they want to do until their retirement, ries I’d heard hundreds of times before, but I also discovered stories and only to give up by the time they get there? I’m proud that people think my facets of their lives that I’d never known. As straight-laced as I thought parents are crazy, stupid, and foolish. They’re also happy. I get emails they were growing up, I now see how similar we really are. The fact that talking about pirates and my dad climbing palm trees for coconuts. So I choose to spend most of my life on something very few hold onto as whatever it is that you’re putting of, stop it. Make sacrifices, be scared, more than a passing fad is probably due to the fact that I have two parents take a chance, but be prepared. Make sure you’ve got a rudder before you who have never been afraid to sail uncharted seas. I may have worked to try sailing upstream. –Megan

AD DEADLINES AD SIZES • Full page, 7.5” wide, 10” tall. ISSUE #34 • 1/2 pg: 7.5” wide, 5” tall. August 1st, 2006 • 1/4 pg:, 3.75” wide, 5” tall. ISSUE #35 • 1/6 page, 2.5” wide, 5” tall. September 1st, 2006 • Please make all checks out to Razorcake. Email [email protected] • We only accept electronic ads. for rates and full details. • All ads are black and white. Our ad rates are super. • We don’t reserve ad space. Cover drawn by Art Fuentes Cover photo by Gorilla Angreb • Cover designed by Todd Taylor “Hint: When decoding politicians’ babble, to get to the real agenda, don’t read their lips, read their budgets.” –Greg Palast, Armed Madhouse

This issue is dedicated to: The engagement of Jim Ruland and Nuvia Crisol Guerra, Designated Dale for graduating at the top of his class after being laid off of his job of sixteen years. Contact Razorcake via our fancy new website: www.razorcake.org Thank you list: “My hand hurts. Thanks.” thanks Valley Girl thanks to Mitch Clem for his illustration; to Art Fuentes, who, if you look closely, drew about ADMF thanks to Graham Russell for his interview a third of this issue; Scads of bands have asked and and pictures of Dan Sartain; Ex-table tennis pro you’re the first to actually do it thanks to Russ Van thanks to Alexander Krone and Terri Meuser for the Cleave for The Tim Version, Dukes of Hillsborough Gorilla Angreb photos; They’re, like, total tour diary; Greg Palast’s math’s fuckin’ tight thanks douchebags thanks to Jessica Miller and Jon San to Chris Pepus for the interview; O, boy, I really Agustin for the Bad Dudes photos; Tubin’ on a river, wish Arnold’s eye was bleeding and there was an watchin’ bands on a bridge thanks to Jack Barfield extension chord around his neck thanks to Keith and Matt Jasek for their Chaos In Tejas photos; Rosson for the illustrations, plus the Greg Palast Review long enough and someone’ll call you a and Chaos In Tejas layouts; Man, I hope Cujo’s brickbrain thanks to Stevo, Jessica T., Kurt Morris, going to be okay thanks to Julia Smut for the Dan Daryl, Keith Rosson, Joe Evans III, Buttertooth, Brian Sartain layout; Sanks and have a rice day! thanks to Mosher, Mike Frame, Ty Stranglehold, Mr. Z, Chris Amy Adoyzie for her Mormons layout and pictures Pepus, Norb, Jenny Moncayo, Donofthedead, Jimmy (Gus, too!); You got me. Those are AV jacks, not 1/4” Alvarado, and Jennifer Whiteford. One of the follow- cables thanks to Kat Jetson for her Bad Dudes ing people touched your last magazine because they Technology’s amazing. interview; Donuts filled with Molson thanks to Ben helped pack ‘em: Kiyoshi Nagazawa, Donofthedead, Snakepit for the Pink Razors interview and photos; Stacy Smilanick, Sara Isett, Ryan Leach, Mor They make sailor caps that small? “No, I’ll do it at home... so... I can get high,” thanks Fleisher, Chris Devlin; Like little elves in a digital to Fose for his Rhythm Chicken illustration; Is that a library, uploading reviews onto our website: Brandy Maya Rae Montana, small baby wrapped in a banana leaf? thanks to Vick, Stacy Smilanick, Mr. Z, Patricia, and daughter to Jessica Mills and Tico Longa. Nuvia Crisol Guerra for her picture in Jim’s column; Donofthedead. Megan Pants: “I fell.” thanks to Nardwuar has chest hair like Nicolas Cage in the ChiTels and MoMacs for a seat in the vans. Issue #33 August / September 2006 PO Box 42129 Los Angeles, CA 90042 www.razorcake.org WE DO OUR PART COLUMNS 4 Liz O. Guerrilla My Dreams 7 Art Fuentes Shizzville 8 Jim Ruland Lazy Mick 32 36 10 Maddy Tight Pants Shiftless When Idle 12 Amy Adoyzie Monster of Fun 15 Ben Snakepit Snakepit 40 48 16 Nardwuar The Human Serviette Who Are You? 20 The Rhythm Chicken The Dinghole Reports 22 Designated Dale I’m Against It 25 Kiyoshi Nakazawa Won Ton Not Now 26 Gary Hornberger Squeeze My Horn 29 Dan Monick’s Photo Page 30 Sean Carswell A Monkey to Ride the Dog

INTERVIEWSANDFEATURES 32 Greg Palast by Chris Pepus 36 Rikkifest by Ben Snakepit 40 The Mormons by Amy Adoyzie and Gus Straub 56 64 44 Dan Sartain by Graham Russell 48 Pink Razors by Ben Snakepit 52 Bad Dudes by Kat Jetson 56 Gorilla Angreb by Todd Taylor 64 Tim Version and Dukes of Hillsborough Tour Diary by Russ Van Cleave

FAVORITESANDREVIEWS 76 Top 5s "MySpace" shirts for sale at Hot Topic... 78 Record They take it a step further by unleashing their hatred on monetary systems (but you still gotta pay for the record)... 106 Zine It's Christians against My Little Pony (any and all unicorns are off limits, too)... 111 DVD I took a lot of LSD while I was in high school...

Individual opinions expressed within are not necessarily those of Razorcake/Gorsky Press, Inc. Razorcake/ Gorsky, Inc. Board of Directors are: Todd Taylor, Sean Carswell, Dan Clarke, Katy Spining, Leo Emil Tober III This issue of Razorcake and www.razorcake.org were put together by: Todd Taylor, Megan Pants, Sean Carswell, Skinny Dan, Amy Adoyzie, Keith Rosson, Juila Smut, Jenny Moncayo, Daryl Gussin, Chris Devlin, Lord Kveldulfr, Joe Evans III, and Ryan Leach. Razorcake is bi-monthly. Issues are $3.00 ppd. in the U.S. Yearly subscriptions (six issues) are $15.00 bulk rate or $21.00 first class mail. Plus you get some free shit. These prices are only valid for people who live in the U.S. and are not in prison. Issues and subs are more for everyone else (because we have to pay more in postage). Write us and we’ll give you a price. Prisoners may receive free single issues of Razorcake via Prison Lit. Project, c/o Bound Together Books, 1369 Haight St, SF, CA 94117 or Books to Prisoners, 92 Pike St., Box A, Seattle, WA 98101 (who don’t ship to CA prisons). Want to distribute Razorcake in the United States? The minimum order is four issues. You have to prepay. For $8.00, you’ll receive four copies of the same issue, sent to you when we do our mailout to all of our distros, big and small. Email [email protected] for all the details. Buy the Marked Men LP. Buy the Marked Men LP. Buy the Marked Men LP. Buy the Marked Men LP. Buy the Marked Men LP. Buy the Marked Men LP. Buy the Marked Men LP. Buy the Marked Men LP. “Art is kind of a very GGUUEERRRRIILLLLAA MMYY DDRREEAAMMSS self-centered field to be in, as opposed to LIZ O feeding the hungry.”

ow to Find Mad Happiness

Sometimes, when Mad Happy plays, it Mike: “Hello, grandfather.” then we started working on stuff together. feels awkward to sit in the audience and Rivka: Yeah, they would say hello to the First, the van died. Then the bass player we watch. It’s the way that they look at each grandparents. were working with, his father passed away, Hother, Mike Ill and Rivka, these sidelong Mike: We didn’t hook up for a while either so he had to leave the tour. We tried one glances that turn into eye-locks. In the audi- because we were both on personal journeys show with the drummer as a trio. I’m sure ence, you can feel like you are intruding on at the time. So we saw each other and we could have worked on it and made it some profoundly intimate moment. But, then thought, “Okay, there’s the enemy. Don’t let work, but it sounded terrible. Mike had this Syou realize that this is it. This is true love, it happen.” Then we kind of got together drum machine. He had started programming clichéd as it may sound, both for each other just to make some music and we ended up twenty years before. I guess he had started and for the music. This is what it’s like to be totally falling in love and not doing music programming when he was barely a teenag- Mad Happy. together for about four years. The kind of er. He had this drum machine that I told him Somehow, Mike and Rivka found me music we were doing was opposite. Then not to buy a year before. I told him, “Don’t online and invited me to a show at a Silverlake we were like, “If we’re going to be on the buy anymore mechanical garbage to collect club. I grabbed a friend and walked inside, not road together, we should figure out a way to dust. You don’t need anymore toys.” He really knowing what to expect, and left do it.” pulled it out and programmed the songs that impressed with the beat-heavy electronic pop Liz: What kind of music were you doing at we were doing really quickly and everyone and hippy-punk stage presence. We kept in the time? dug it. So, we started working on that touch after they left town and eventually head- Rivka: I was doing a cappella singing, because it seemed more financially feasible. ed back to their current home in Florida (Mike mostly the kind of melodies that, I guess, I Then it started developing. We started is originally from Hoboken and Rivka is a got from my childhood, from singing with- bringing in all of these influences from all Brooklyn native). When they emailed to tell out music and stuff. I was just singing and of these places and we have evolved a lot me that they would be back in Los Angeles for doing poetry. It was really dramatic and since then, a lot. another leg of their seemingly endless string very sad. I was really young and everyone Liz: Did you ever think that what you are of self-booked tours, I asked for an interview. felt really bad for me. It was pretty much doing was unattainable? We met on the ground floor of Quon like that. Rivka: Yeah, definitely. I think I always Brothers Jazz Club in Chinatown, home to the Liz: Were you singing in the subway? thought I could do it. Otherwise, I don’t monthly laptop-friendly event Data Age Rivka: Sometimes. I have sung in the subway, think I could have made it out. People talk where Mike and Rivka were set to play. We but mostly going to open mics around New about the inner child and all that. I’m really spoke as they waited for Chinese food and York City and doing shows around there—lit- into all that self-help stuff. [Giggles.] I had continued chatting long after dinner was over tle coffee houses and little theaters—places this vision of my life. I thought that this is so and the record had been sealed. Sometime that would have a cappella singing. amazing. I can’t believe that this is my life. after the tape had ended, I mentioned to Mike Mike: I was just starting to put my solo thing I had a moment holding up the inner child to and Rivka that I can’t even imagine being a together. I had a band for a while with my look out my eyes. It was a great moment. musician, that the thought of spending the best friend, my partner Zef Noi$e from Liz: Was music something you wanted to bulk of the year on tour is something I cannot Mutiny Zoo Records. I was just writing so do as a kid? fathom. Mike responded that he couldn’t think many songs and we weren’t working with the Rivka: Yeah, always. Jewish women aren’t of living life any other way. band, so I just started playing my guitar. Our allowed to sing in front of men. It’s defi- music has always been—well Zef and I have nitely rebellion. I guess I just really wanted Liz: How did you get together? always been influenced by stuff from all over to be a boy. I wanted to do what they could. Rivka: We met in a sweat lodge. It’s an the map—so it was punk and hip-hop influ- Liz: You grew up orthodox, right? American Indian sauna. They make it out of enced and then folk and jazz influenced. Rivka: Yeah. blankets and sticks. They put rocks in the Liz: How did you come up with the sound Liz: Is what you’re doing very rebellious, center and we saw each other for the first that you have now? given your background? time in the sweat lodge. Rivka: Well, we started out traveling Rivka: Well, it doesn’t feel rebellious any- Mike Ill: They put really hot rocks in there together and I was opening up for Mike and more. It’s definitely stuff that I’m not sup- and sprinkle water on them and it gets his band, which was The Poor Old Souls. posed to be doing, according to their rules. insanely steamy and hot. We were at one We came up with the name Mad Happy But, I don’t care about their rules anymore, down at this place in New Jersey and we just when he wanted something more positive. so I’m over the rebellion. met each other’s eyes and our hearts So we had come up with the name Mad Liz: When you grow up in very religious dropped down. A friend of ours recently told Happy for his band, which I wasn’t going to surroundings, as an adult, is there any way me that when something like that happens, be in. Then, I was doing backup vocals for you can totally remove that influence from it’s a gift from the ancestors. them and opening up for them and it kind of your life? Rivka: They consider the rocks to be like didn’t work. One was this punk rock thing Rivka: I don’t think that you can totally the souls of the grandfathers and every time and the other was this really dramatic set of remove yourself from it. I’m afraid that, they burn another rock, you would say… poetry. So I stopped opening for them and when you forget things, you can repeat them Knowing that I'm going to hell is one of the things that help me be more real.

illustration by Art Fuentes in a different way. I think that the whole that definitely feels guilty: going to bars and Rivka: Just really wanting to be happy. kosher thing is ridiculous, no offense to the being part of an alcohol scene, doing drugs We’re writing a lot of songs about manic kosher people. I really go out of my way not and being selfish, working on art. Art is kind episodes lately. We’re just on the up side. to take my own eating habits to an extreme, of a very self-centered field to be in, as Mike: It’s the kind of music that we were even though they are extreme. We do this opposed to feeding the hungry or something raised on. The stuff I grew up listening to whole thing where we don’t combine proteins like that. I have all that stuff ingrained in me. was European religious music, like Bach, and carbohydrates in one given meal, but I There’s always a definite appreciation for and it’s really emotional and it’s really really try hard not to be religious about it. people who do see that when you are doing uplifting or really heartbreaking. For play- Mike: And we’re very successful at not stuff to the people around you, you are doing ing bars and parties and stuff, we were just being religious about it. stuff to yourself. But, at the same time, I trying to develop enough material where Rivka: What was my point? I think that it think that knowing that I’m going to hell is we could be uplifting and rockin’ the whole doesn’t really go anywhere. I spent a lot of one of the things that help me be more real. time. Now, we have enough material where time not having anything to do with my fam- All these people are just like, “I’ll worry we could start putting some heartbreaking ily and stuff. I think that’s just kind of a about going to hell later,” not noticing what stuff in there and still be able to rock for a drama. Even though they aren’t really fucking jerk-offs they are now. long time. In terms of content, we both respectful, necessarily, I don’t necessarily Liz: Does it get hard to work on music with have a very serious commitment to ideals have to talk with them about anything when someone who is also your partner romantically? and spirituality ingrained in us from our I know that they’re disrespectful and I Rivka: Oh, yeah. There are definitely a lot parents being so dedicated to their own already know and sort of accept them as of screaming fights. Mostly, the screaming spirituality. We have big differences to how they are. Doing that, there is definitely no is on my part. It’s just something that we we do it. We both probably feel like music way to remove yourself because you can cut were raised with, women. In a few genera- is real and we are actually creating some- off your whole family but they aren’t going tions, we will work that stuff out. It’s hard thing and putting it out there to change peo- to disappear from your mind. I don’t have because you have such different boundaries ple’s lives. We want to do it, instead of say- any friends from when I was a kid. They with the level of respect you’re dealing with. ing, “Yeah man, go do heroin for twenty were all the kids I went to school with. Most It’s really complicated, but it’s also better, in years and wear a piss bag,” we want to be of them never even checked out going off a way, because you really can say anything. like have a great time. the path. They are completely removed from If you really think that something is not hap- me, 100%. But, that’s not gone. Do you pening, you can say so, whereas if you’re For more information on Mad Happy or to know what I mean? All of those happy working with someone, you’re both just try- find the album Renegade Geeks (produced things and all of those painful things, those ing to reach your artistic climax and you by Chris Frantz and Tina Weymouth of are still in my mind. They still find their way don’t really want to step on that for some- Talking Heads and Tom Tom Club and Zef into my poetry. body. You’re over-polite. Noi$e) go to www.madhappy.com. Mike: I definitely have guilt. My parents are Liz: It seems like a lot of your music Catholic. My mom was a nun and my dad focuses on positivity. Where does that –Liz Ohanesian was in the seminary, so I have a part of me come from? 5 “I’m all for teachers getting bigger pay- LLAAZZYY MMIICCKK checks, but I didn’t JIM RULAND want to get clothes- lined on my way to breakfast.” TAMALE TOUR Around Oaxaca Coronitas—little bottles of Corona that on a ever corn is plentiful, i.e. throughout in Twelve Tamales hot night cry out to be drunk in a single swal- Mexico. The banana leaves are used in the low, which I did, many, many times. more tropical region and are excellent for BORN TO OAXACA A vacant lot had been strung with lights trapping the flavors and sealing them in a I flew out of Tijuana at one AM and outfitted with a huge stage for the musi- nice square package. The masa in these Thursday night, arrived in Oaxaca City early cians. The men were dressed in white tamales tends to be tinted green by dint of in the morning, and went straight to the guayaberas and black slacks. The women having been steamed inside the banana zocalo (city center) for breakfast. Oaxaca’s wore short, sleeveless blouses (huipils) and leaves. The next day, I sampled both vari- teachers had gone on strike and had moved long, flowing skirts (enaguas) of different eties at a late lunch at a new friend’s house Ainto the zocalo to protest low wages. They’d colors and heavily embroidered with flow- on Jacaranda Street in Juchitan. rigged hundreds of tarps and tents in the ers. Each costume was the same yet utterly The first tamale was shaped, appropri- streets around the city center, blocking traf- unique. The three women I arrived with had ately enough, like a small ear of corn and fic and generally being a nuisance. The first spent hours getting ready, which included was filled with elote and dressed with fresh thing you notice about Oaxaquenos is that visits to the flower market and beauty shop cream skimmed from the top of new milk. they are short, so all the ropes, wires, and to get fresh flowers woven into their hair. Perfect for breakfast. The other tamale was a strings for their jerry-rigged tarps were Once we’d paid our admission, the huge specimen, like two pieces of green strung at neck-level. I’m all for teachers get- majordomo found a place for us to sit and wonder bread stacked together, and filled ting bigger paychecks, but I didn’t want to kept bringing us plates of food and bottles of with pollo y mole negro—the most common get clotheslined on my way to breakfast. beer. One of the ladies didn’t drink, the other tamale in the Oaxaca region. The sweetness At a small café in the heart of the zoca- was pregnant, and soon I had a box of of the mole tended to overwhelm the other lo, I had the first two tamales of the tour: a Coronitas at my feet and a plate of food on flavors in the tamale and, for some reason, I pair of red mole tamales wrapped in corn- my lap. My job was to eat the food before it wasn’t feeling the love for the mole. Maybe husks. Mole is a blend of chiles, herbs and got cold and drink the beer before it got hot. it was the discovery of molotes (deep fried spices that have been dried and fried and By the time I ate the tacos dorado, chile rel- masa stuffed with beef and shaped like a mixed together. Some recipes call for as leno, tamarindo (cups of candied fruit), and hush puppy) and the after effects of the many as seven different kinds of chile. mango and ciruela curado (fruit cured with armadillo (yes, armadillo) I’d been coaxed There are many different kinds of mole (red, alcohol), I had no room for the ginormous into eating along with my tamales. The fact yellow, black, etc.) but each cook has their tamale, which was shaped like a waffle and was, I was four days into my tamale tour and own preferences and traditions, so that no wrapped in a banana leaf. my search for the greatest tamale was not two moles are alike. The tamales were When I finally ate it—at around four bearing fruit. shaped like little burritos and covered in AM the next morning—the masa was cold salsa that was sweet and fruity. It over- and greasy and not particularly satisfying OUR LADY OF LA MERCED whelmed the taste of the red mole and the and that’s about all I remember. PRAY FOR ME whole thing tasted like spaghetti sauce. No Huatulco sits on the Pacific coast, a resort bueno. My tamale tour was getting off to an ON THE FLIPSIDE town for Mexican nationals. Huatulco is a inauspicious start. The next day we went to another vela in great place to sit in a palapa and drink Juchitan, this time on the other side of the Victoria Beer and gorge yourself on shrimp, WON’T YOU TAKE ME TO... river. It was called the Vela Cheguigo, which scallops, and lobster in chipotle sauce and JUCHITAN means, “festival on the other side of the served in a pineapple. If you like swimming Imagine going to a party where all the river.” This vela was on a slightly smaller in the moonlight, listening to the surf, and men are dressed as waiters and the women scale and had several patrons, so we chose watching fireflies dance in the mangroves, all look like Frida Kahlo. That was the scene the one with the best food. Having learned Huatulco is the place for you. But Huatulco is at the Vela (festival) San Vincente Ferrer, the my lesson from the night before, I ate my not tamale country. patron saint for survivors of disasters at sea tamale first. It was wrapped in a banana leaf After four days of bliss at the beach, I in the city of Juchitan in the Ismo (Isthmus) like a piece of candy and tied off at each boarded a bus for Oaxaca City. There are region of Oaxaca. Juchitan knows how to end. Inside was a delicious concoction of three kinds of buses in Oaxaca. There are the party. Every night for the last fifteen days in pollo con elote y pasas (chicken with corn Collectivos, the public buses that will take the month of May, someone throws a party. I and raisins). The beers weren’t as plentiful you just about anywhere for ten pesos. They don’t mean a dozen people gathered around on the other side of the river, but the girls are cheap, run-down, and operated by a grill for hot dogs and beer, I’m talking hun- were prettier and the tamale kicked ass. lunatics who take great pleasure in gunning dreds of people—despite a strict dress code their death machines down terrible roads. The and a cover charge at the door. Women wrap ARMADILLO TACO privately owned buses, of which there are no their donation in tissue paper, which they Tamales are generally wrapped in either less than a dozen, are cheap, comfortable and present to the majordomo (patron and chief cornhusks or banana leaves. The cornhusks efficient. These buses hold their own in com- organizer). The men buy a case of tend to be more porous and are used wher- parison to European motor coaches and make I heartily recommend Oaxacan cheese to anyone who hasn't bought into the myth of bad cholesterol. Photo by Nuvia Crisol Guerra Greyhound look like the turd wagon it is. The medieval markets, I started my day at lardy and I didn’t get dressed in the morning third and premier level of bus service Sanchez Pasqua, a market near Guelaqueta so much as wrap myself in a tight-fitting includes fully reclinable seats and the plea- Stadium. I sat down at a tiny little nook husk. After a few hours under the Oaxacan sure of watching foreign films in badly across from a flower seller and next to a tor- sun, I’d steam up and give off a scent of dubbed Spanish. The drivers of these first- tilla maker and ordered some tamales. The corn meal. Birds circled overhead and wild class machines are, however, just as insane as first was wrapped in corn husks and shaped dogs followed me in the street. those who pilot the public rattle traps. like a rocket out of Flash Gordon. The mas- I took a bus to the ruin of Mitla. After Oaxaca is mountainous country. There sive masa missile was stuffed with pollo y poking around for a bit, I found an old are over twenty mountains taller than 10,000 rajas (chicken and strips of chile peppers). It women selling tamales out of a pot in the feet in Oaxaca. Maneuvering around these was so good, I almost cried. tourist market for twelve pesos a pop. I mountains and up and down the myriad hills, The second was shaped like a pop tart, ordered one and she served it on a tiny sty- canyons, and switchbacks over and over wrapped in a banana leaf, and filled with rofoam plate and dumped a radioactive pile again makes the bus drivers as fearless as a mole negro–the only tamale unique to the of salsa next to it. I took my prize to a bench fighter pilot weaned on Rottweiler blood. Oaxaca region because it’s made with a chil- outside a church built on top of a Zapotec Huatulco sits at sea level. Oaxaca City’s ele- huacle negro, a small black chile grown only temple that had an eye-shaped window cut vation is over 5,000 feet. The ride between in Oaxaca. It combines majestically with into the thick stone wall. I carefully the two cities is five hours long, and it’s all chocolate to form a mixture that is both spicy unwrapped a banana leaf the size of a para- uphill. We boarded the bus at ten o’clock. At and sweet. It is Oaxaca’s signature sensation. chute and it crumbled into a heap, a pyramid eleven o’clock it started to rain. At 11:01 I This was the first time I’d tasted it in a tamale of green-tinted masa, mole negro, and a few began to pray. sans pollo. The result was far less greasy and odd strands of pollo, which at first I mistook I arrived in Oaxaca City eight hours later, it tasted like something out of a master chef’s for Oaxacan cheese, a cheese so tough and exhausted and deranged. I went immediately kitchen. Best. Tamale. Ever. Or so I thought. elastic you can grill it like a fillet of meat, to La Merced, a market on the east side of Pushing my luck, I asked if she had any which I heartily recommend to anyone who town on the outskirts of the Centro, looking other kinds of tamales. Sí, sí, she said enthu- hasn’t bought into the myth of bad choles- for something to eat. Feeling slightly fortified siastically as she produced a tamale shaped terol. The mixture of masa, mole, meat, and by Oaxacan green juice (orange, pineapple, like a miniature submarine and nearly as chile was so perfect, it changed my brain celery, and cilantro), I ordered two tamales big. As I lovingly unwrapped the corn husk chemistry. Oaxaquenos say that mole negro wrapped in corn husks. The first was shaped skin, I noted how heavy the sucker was, and gives you vivid dreams and it’s true. That like a tube of oil paint. Ingredients: mole rojo after penetrating it with my fork I saw why: night, I dreamt I had been called to the con pollo. It tasted a little bland but the salsa it was filled with frijoles negros. You might Pentagon to work on a secret project for the roja woke up the flavor. The second tamale think it a little decadent to stuff eight ounces government that involved activating ancient was shaped like a pair of hash browns mashed of masa with refried black beans, but when temples. Somehow, the outcome was together and was speckled with yellow pump- you drizzle it with two kinds of salsa roja— pegged to hippopotamus races. I have no kin flower and green parsley, epazote, and from mild to wild—you will know why you explanation for this, but I can still recall the green tomatoes. Amazing. I’d survived a har- were put here on this earth, but the best was expression on the face of the hippopotamus rowing ordeal. This was my reward. yet to come…. and the taste of the tamale.

MOLE NEGRO AND THE WINNER IS... –Jim Ruland On the heels of an exhausting day By now I was starting to feel like a stumping around dusty ruins and perusing tamale myself. My flesh was getting a little 9 “I was cursed with a fate roughly SSHHIIFFTTLLEESSSS WWHHEENN IIDDLLEE equivalent to being forced to mosh at a MADDY TIGHT PANTS Pearl Jam concert.” THE DEFEAT OF WINTER Hold the presses! Strike the alarm bells! for various crimes—including but not limit- a test of resolve against all the evil forces Prepare the pop punk records and summon ed to—such grave infractions as dying one’s conspiring against us! We would not back the Tootsie Roll Pop Distribution Network! hair and refusing to pray (roughly equiva- down! We would rebuke Christianity and After a lengthy hiatus, Ms. Tight Pants is lent offenses, apparently), I kept ripping off face the elements, with bravery and back and ready to enthrall you with tales of the letters. courage! We would eat lunch outside! deviancy, ridiculousity, and love of all By the time I got to sophomore year, The next week, we put our plan into things sugar-based! my sweatshirt just said “A” in big red motion. The cafeteria supervisor gave us a You see, unlike the vast majority of my plaid. Somehow, this still met basic strange look, shrugged her shoulders, and Hzine brethren, I dare not drag you into the requirements of the uniform code. Then, in mumbled something about how we’d be twisted cauldrons of despair and horror! the middle of the year, during a particular- inside in a few weeks. It was about fifty When I go nuts, I do not continue to write, ly painful geometry class, the “A” went the degrees outside—a little cold, but no big except to keep up the regular complaint let- way of my trusty compass, and I was left deal. It was amazing. For thirty-five min- ters to General Mills (“Sir, I have always with a filthy sweatshirt containing some utes, we were free from all our enemies. We been a loyal customer—until that day when ripped up plaid threads, and I was ready to congratulated ourselves for our ingenuity I swallowed a small mouse dropping along take my rebellion well beyond the bounds and ate our Twix bars with newfound relish! with my spoonful of Lucky C.”) to obtain of clothing destruction! Two weeks went by, and the weather free sustenance. You will not get any Jets to By sophomore level, I had firmly and grew colder: forty-five degrees, forty degrees. Brazil lyrics out of me! decisively decided that I only really liked I started wearing long underwear under my Anyway, anyway, ANYWAY (to steal one person in my school, my friend Monica. shredded sweatshirt. The cafeteria supervisor my favorite Nørbism), I digress. The point Luckily, she decided the same about me, said, “You girls will be inside in no time.” We is, although I did retreat, I did not, in the and we were united against the rest of the took it as a challenge. Thirty-five degrees, grand tradition of Bruce Springsteen (by world with a level of deep-seated hatred the thirty degrees, then, one morning, snow. We way of John Kerry), surrender! So, I could likes of which had last been seen in the looked at each other, zipped up our jackets, bore you with the details of what it’s like to Bloody Lanes of Civil War battlefields. and went outside. The ground was covered, completely lose your mind (see: Billy Sadly, we were not armed with rifles and but we could not back down! We abandoned Chenowith), or... I could write a column did not have ready access to trenches. So, our original location on the grass, and headed about how my hatred for Catholicism led we did the next best thing. We decided late for a corner outside the gym, next to a large me to commit arson. The choice, dear read- one night at Monica’s house that we had had bush. We sat on the concrete steps, ate our ers, is obvious! enough. We would no longer associate with Twix bars, and made statements like, “It real- When I was a fifteen-year-old, angst- anyone from our high school. We would ly isn’t that cold,” while shivering. But we ridden, purple-haired punk, who spent my keep our engagement with our God-loving both knew that this thirty-five minutes was all days listening to the Queers and my nights classmates to the utmost minimum! We we had. When we went home, I had to deal sneaking out to get high and sneaking into would not speak unless spoken to, and with an increasingly psychotic mother and swimming pools, I was cursed with a fate maybe not even then! We would curse the Monica had to deal with her almost-divorced roughly equivalent to being forced to mosh fates that had brought us to this evil place! parents. Like Pilgrims fleeing oppression and at a Pearl Jam concert. Yes, I went to an all- In short, we would eat lunch outside! serfs rebelling against the tsar, this was as girls’ Catholic high school, where I wore a Allow me to explain. Our school, in its close to freedom as it got, and we would not uniform and had to attend mass. Not punk! benevolence, allowed students to eat in the give it up! At the beginning of my freshman year, I courtyard outside the cafeteria. Every A week later, and it was Christmas was a little naïve, a little too optimistic that spring, dozens of plaid-skirt-wearing girls break. By the time we got back, in January, high school would be something other than would venture out to the carefully mani- the temperature had dropped to fifteen complete and total brain destruction. In cured lawn, and sit on the grass, pretending degrees. We knew we were in trouble. other words, I was known to proudly sport a to eat carrots, and talk about weight loss. When we started high school, we were both sweatshirt bearing my high school’s name, Monica and I would also trudge outside, and too broke to afford the regulation uniform thus qualifying me for a level of lameness sit on the grass, jamming Twix bars (stolen pants and skirt, and had made the misguid- somewhere in between the Dave Matthews from the lunch line) into our mouths while ed decision to purchase the skirt. Little did Band and Rancid. talking about how much we hated everyone. we know the consequences of our shopping However, within four short months, I So, late that night at Monica’s house, I transaction! It was fifteen degrees, we were had systemically begun destroying that suddenly had a revelation of Biblical pro- wearing skirts, and, while everyone ate their same sweatshirt. When I sat in my freshman portions. The usually carefully worded stu- carrots in the warm glow of the lunchroom, theology class, being told a few weeks after dent handbook did not state that one could we were headed into the wilderness! my dad died that everything happened for a only eat outside during pleasant weather. We went outside that first day back, and reason, I took my math-class-required com- We could start, that very next week, in the it was brutal. Fifteen minutes out, and my pass, and used the sharp edge to rip off the middle of a cold Midwestern November. legs started to turn bluish-purple. Monica’s lettering on my beloved sweatshirt. When a Yes, it would get cold! Yes, it would get teeth started chattering. We looked at each priest told me that I would be going to a colder, and colder still! But this would not other, but neither of us said anything. We ate level of hell containing both rocks and fire just be a policy of avoidance! This would be lunch in silence. We were in trouble. We would not back down!

We would rebuke Christianity and face the elements, with bravery and courage!

We would eat lunch outside!

That night, Milwaukee was dumped called Monica. “I figured it out,” I said. still sweating, screamed into the increasing- with eight inches of snow. The morning “You’ll see.” ly blazing courtyard. news predicted lows around zero. I put on At noon, we opened the doors to the court- We had officially done it! We had not four long-sleeved shirts, a sweater, and my yard, and a cold blast of winter air instantly only born the elements! We had defeated beat-up sweatshirt. I wore three pairs of sapped all our carefully conserved body heat. winter itself! We had reached the pinnacle of knee-high socks, two pairs of gloves, and We were freezing by the time we made it over rebellion—against school, teachers, parents, my warmest hat. I sweated profusely to the concrete steps. Monica looked at me, and nature! We were punks united against throughout my morning classes, but refused worried. And then I sat down, pulled out a the world, sweating in the middle of a record to allow myself to take off any clothes, on lighter, held it to the bush on the edge of the cold spell! the grounds that I needed to store up as steps, and flicked it on. Take that, Catholicism! I leaned over, grabbed my sweatshirt, much heat as possible. At noon, Monica and A minute later, we had a small fire going, and and threw it into the flames. I was ecstatic! I went outside. We sat in the corner of the huddled around it, still shivering, but euphoric. Monica was laughing so hard she was cry- steps, shivering against each other. “Look at We hurriedly ate our Twix bars and added the ing! We grabbed each other and started all those idiots inside,” Monica said, point- wrappers to the flames. The fire grew and jumping up and down with punk rock glee! ing to dozens of warm, happy bodies laugh- started producing actual heat. We pulled our Then, out of the corner of my eye, I saw ing and talking inside. “We would never be heads down, and felt a wonderful stinging sen- people running. Towards us. Screaming. that lame.” sation as our faces slowly thawed. Teachers. The lunchroom supervisor. “Never,” I agreed, and tried to eat my Then the wind started to pick up and Students. As the first one reached us, she increasingly frozen Twix bar without open- whipped around at our humble fire, threaten- tried to stomp on the flames, but jumped ing my mouth any wider than absolutely ing to destroy it. I panicked and grabbed some away as the fire threatened to ignite her jean necessary. “Losers.” twigs lying behind the bush, shook the snow jumper. Two more teachers followed, The weekend weather report predicted off, set them on fire, and threw them into the grabbed us, and led us inside as the lunch- that Milwaukee was about to enter into a bush. All of a sudden, the bush emitted a loud room supervisor threw a bucket of water on serious cold spell, even by Midwestern stan- whooshing sound and ignited! In the matter of the burning bush. Other students followed, dards. Next week, the temperature would a few seconds, we went from a small, unde- helping to put out the fire as we were reach a low of twenty degrees below zero. tectable fire to a blazing inferno! Flames swept marched inside for a lengthy discussion with There was talk of closing area schools up the branches and into the cold air above, the Dean of Students, who screamed that we because of the risk of frostbite while waiting outward against the brick building, and nipped could have burned the whole school down. for the school bus. at our feet! When we started laughing, she gave us It was clear that we were on the verge “Holy shit!” Monica yelled, and we detentions. of a crisis, but to back down now would be jumped back as the flames grew higher and As we left the office, Monica turned and humiliating, a betrayal of all that we held higher. We tried to kick some snow onto the said, “Can I ask you just one question?” most dear, a renunciation of our hatred and flames, but it was no use. The fire grew hotter “What?” said the detention-giving an embrace of the Catholic church and all and hotter, and in a few minutes, we were Dean, scowling. its humble servants! To go inside would sweating, pressed up against the few feet of “Can we serve the detention outside?” mean that we had lost, that the powers of non-burning steps that remained. school, God, and country were too great for “Ha!” I said. “It’s even warmer outside –Maddy two fifteen-year-old punks to handle! We than in that stupid, fucking cafeteria!” We had made it this far, and we had to contin- laughed as sweat rolled down our faces and the Send candy, Replacements mix tapes, and ue... but how? flames leapt six feet in the air. “Look,” I shout- absurdist Russian literature to me at: 3220 Monday morning, I woke up with an ed, standing up, as I tore off my five layers of Garfield Ave. South, Apt. 104, idea. I gathered the necessary supplies and clothes until I was down to a t-shirt, and, Minneapolis, MN 55408

11 “Father, perhaps you don’t quite under- MMOONNSSTTEERR OOFF FFUUNN stand the American AMY ADOYZIE colloquialism for fellatio.” Poor Muddled Asses A boy from Alabama offered me the escape to as a refugee from war, raise a who was claimed as a dependent on dad’s American Dream once. daughter who earns a B.A. with honors, so tax return. I declined. that she may someday write columns for a Even though he has a very limited I thought it might have been too cum- punk rock fanzine calling the President of the English vocabulary, I doubt that dad was bersome to carry with me on my long bus United States a jerkface dickhole. There’s just completely ignorant of what cocksucker trip home. no other place, period. meant—but even if he didn’t know, I, his We were at Bradley’s mother’s home in So many of my character-shaping experi- only daughter, wasn’t about to inform him. Gadsden, Alabama. I was sitting on a camo ences are so uniquely American/Immigrant- How was I supposed to explain to him comforter, perched on Bradley’s old bed as American/Vapid-American that I can’t imag- the meaning of the word? Ahe rummaged though some of the keepsakes ine them occurring in any other space-time “Father, perhaps you don’t quite under- that he had left behind. He pulled out a long, continuum, in any other country with any stand the American colloquialism for fellatio. rectangular, black case that opened to reveal other Americans. Here are a couple of the Please let me clarify…” a Fender Squire P-Bass with a red body, shining moments of my soon-to-be-made- There’s just a surreal sitcom feel to hear- white pick guard and a blue strap. Bradley into-a-TV-movie epic saga of a girl and her ing your dad say in broken English, “Wat you had played that bass while he was in a band American life: cocksuckas want fah dinnah?” called The American Dream and named the These are the stories that fill the American guitar after it. He asked if I wanted the bass Like Father, Like Cocksucker consciousness with hope and pride. along with the Peavey Patriot amp that sat in the closet. As a sixteen-year-old girl growing up in Import Beer, Export Piss Bradley wanted to bestow the total pack- California amidst body image issues, insur- age to me. A red, white and blue four-string mountable insecurities, and enough angst to It’s easy for dudes. Drink beer, pee any- Dream and a patriotic amp to blast my pledge write volumes of clichéd poetry, the last where. Sidewalks, bushes, tree stumps, of allegiance. thing I needed was to have my father call me dumpsters, walls, inanimate object within I appreciated the gesture, but couldn’t a cocksucker. your blurred field of vision. accept. It was enough just to be offered such Y’see, I was crushin’ hardcore on actor Not so simple for the ladies. We need a gift and I already had a sweet cherry red Kevin Spacey and would obsessively watch coverage, toilet paper and the willingness to midget bass at home. It ended up with me him play an innocent gimp who was a mas- expose our entire ass in order to feel the com- through some botched tweak deal and came terful conman in The Usual Suspects. During fort of a relieved bladder. Dudes don’t ever fully stocked with a peeling mohawk skull one of my many viewings, dad walked in just think about how little they think about unzip- Exploited sticker. Dreams do come true. as the line-up scene began where each of the ping and whipping it out. It’s not penis envy. five main characters repeated the line, “Hand It’s pee privilege. Just acknowledge it the * * * me the keys, you fucking cocksucker.” next time you’re at a party and taking up He stood for a while, eyes affixed to the room in a long toilet line when there is avail- I don’t care that this is probably the most screen, to let those lines absorb into his yel- able shrubbery outside. un-punk-rock thing to say: I’m so stoked to low skull before continuing into the garage. I My behavior while inebriated hasn’t so be an American. didn’t think much of it, until later that day much shaped my life, but has informed me of The U.S. is far from perfect—our gov- when I heard dad call one of my younger the extent to which I may take the American lib- erning administration is run by a reactionary, brothers a cocksucker. erty of the pursuit of hap-pee-ness. All niceties shits-for-brain, war-mongering chimpanzee And so began the phase in our young of a civilized culture are out the window when passing for a fifth-grader who hears super lives where dad lovingly referred to us as his I have to go, because I really have to go. secret messages from Jesus. But I shudder to kin who sucked cock. He never said it with In this, the age of Oprah and unapolo- think what my life may have been like if I any malice; as a matter of fact it became a getic empowerment, I am beginning to own were born and raised in China (victim of term of endearment. We were amused initial- my drunken pee experiences and not let them infanticide, due to one-child policy and a ly, chuckling nervously like a parent who own me. I’m a proud American who likes to preference for sons), Vietnam (uneducated, hears his toddler cuss for the first time. Dad drink cheap American beer and piss bonafide married with five kids, wearing pajamas all continued to call us cocksuckers for so long American pee. day) or Australia (kidnapped by wild dingo that the crudeness and inappropriate nature of I’ll be honest, I’ve peed myself before. pack, best friend is a koala bear). the word no longer held weight. Since he Not like sitting-around-shootin’-the-shit- There’s just no other place in the world never came home with a black eye or spitting and-then-all-of-a-sudden-my-ass-is-nestled- like a small Los Angeles suburb where you bloody mouthfuls of teeth, I assume that he in-a-puddle-of-my-urine, but more like I’m- can get grilled onion In N Out burgers, per- refrained from addressing others as blowjob- inside-a-restroom-stall-trying-to-aim-into- fectly seasoned bowls of steamy pho, or a bers. It seemed that he reserved that term the-bowl-without-touching-the-seat- veggie burrito so plump and delicious that exclusively for his kids, his rittle cocksuckers. because-God-knows-how-many-other- you’d swear you were eating God’s pinky The term no longer meant one who was drunken-girls-have-pissed-on-the-toilet- toe. There’s just no other place where you can a dick slurper, instead it came to mean one seat-and-then-the-beer-that-I-set-on-top-of- I don’t care that this is probably the most un-punk-rock thing to say: I’m so stoked to be an American. the-TP-dispenser-spills-on-my-jeans-so- We had every excuse to just pee in the corner. Vietnam bullying you into becoming pinkos? when-I-pee-on-myself-I-drunkenly-think- But somehow it wasn’t in our decorum and Let us rescue you with our big white hairy that-it’s-okay-because-I’ll-just-say-it’s-PBR. we deemed it un-lady-like and decided arms of justice. Hey earth, did you hear that And those were the times where I was lucky instead to pee out the window like we had Sadam might-be-maybe-not-really-for-sure enough to even get near a toilet. seen all the dudes do earlier. hiding a hugemongus load of WMDs? Let us Earlier this year, I found my yellow ass in I can vividly recall three details of this rescue all of mankind from Hussein’s insane a precarious position as it hung off the ledge momentously retarded event. destructive force with our gleaming weapons of a fifth story window—all in my pursuit of 1. Before climbing out the window, I sug- of humanly tolerable destruction. Hey ure- hap-pee-ness. gest that we pee on passed-out-guy. He heard thra, are you flooded with metabolized beer We were at a hipster loft gallery space in me and mumbled, “No, don’t do that…” and need to release it quickly? Let Jacie and I downtown Portland, shoveling cans and cans To which I replied, “Will you be my crawl onto this windowsill and pee like we’re of beers into our faces to let the terrorists valentine?” invincible patriots shocking and aweing folks know that they have not won because we are 2. Jacie and I squatting on a small outer with our deft urination skillz. drunk with freedom and Coors Light at an ledge, five stories high, a breeze brushing past afterparty. The restroom line was always a our pale asses. We were hanging backwards, * * * dozen deep, half of them were invariably tall, with our hands haphazardly clutching the lanky white belt boys who were too refined to rickety window pane. This August I’m leaving for China, osten- piss out the window of a small room across 3. Safely back inside, zipping up our jeans. sibly as a volunteer English teacher in the the hall. Jacie and I had enough. She grabbed I can’t remember how we were able to Hunan province. I plan on photographing my hand and led me through the crowd of perform the complicated maneuver of unzip- Super Wal-Marts to show them the abundance unmoving bodies. ping and pulling down our jeans, while defy- of our beautiful nation, and to assure them “We’re not going to the bathroom! Let us ing gravity in our complete inebriated incom- that all the junk they’re producing in sweat- through, you wieners!” I shouted at their glar- petence. I can only imagine that Jacie and I shops with the “Made in China” stamp is ing faces. “For serious! I’m not cutting in had two exhausted angels holding us up, showing up on store shelves to satiate our your stupid line!” shaking their heads disapprovingly, and reluc- God-given right to consume. Pictures of rows We shoved through and found ourselves tantly saving us from a horrific death with our and rows of SUVs sitting in traffic will inspire in an unfinished room with bare plywood pants and panties down at our knees and our them to aspire for great wealth and a leather floors, a couple bags of trash, and a guy bodies splattered against the concrete. interior. My fellow patriots needn’t worry, for passed out in the middle. Here’s where my In this great land of ours, we can do I shall educate them in the ways of the true logic fails me, since the room was practically patently idiotic things and still remain in red, white, and blue. For the next year, you’ll empty and completely dark, Jacie and I could one piece because we have been blessed be reading about Operation: Engrish Prease! have conceivably pissed in the corner and no with an angel known as an overwhelming one would have been the wiser. I was weav- sense of arrogance. –Amy Adoyzie ing-staggering drunk and I think Jacie was That’s our can-do, go-getter spirit. We’ll amyadoyzie.com somewhere near my side of the breathalyzer. fix anything. Hey South Vietnam, is North

13

“I’m a very deeply spiritual girl ... I’ve got Jesus tattooed WWHHOOAARREEYYOOUU?? on my back. ”

Nardwuar Vs. Pamela Des Barres Nardwuar: Who are you? Nardwuar: Now, Pamela, one of the people Nardwuar: Now, were there any other all- Pamela Des Barres: Pamela Des Barres! you did get intimate with was Led Zeppelin. girl groups at that time Pamela? Nardwuar: Pamela, show me your book What did Led Zeppelin smell like? Pamela: There were a couple. Fanny was a right now. It has an extremely hot cover. Pamela: One of the people? There were four girl group. They were a band, they played Pamela: Certainly, here it is. [Pamela shows people in Led Zeppelin. But I was only with instruments, and I think that was it. I think it her book] Jimmy Page and he smelled divine. was just us and Fanny at that point. The Nardwuar: And what book is this, for peo- Nardwuar: Pamela, your new book, I’m Runaways came much later. ple who don’t know? with the… Nardwuar: Pamela, one interesting thing NPamela: It’s called I’m with the Band: Pamela: Band. about The GTO’s, you had John Bonham Confessions of a Groupie. It came out origi- Nardwuar: Recently reissued with cen- play the drums for you. What was it like hav- nally in ‘87 and it’s just been republished sored cover. ing John Bonham of Led Zeppelin carry on with a new intro by Dave Navarro, who’s Pamela: Yes. the bottom end? pretty hot, and with a bunch of new pages Nardwuar: The Introduction is done by... Pamela: It was amazing. The same night he that I wrote addendum. Pamela: Dave Navarro. played drums for us, we had Noel Redding on Nardwuar: Pamela, looking at the cover of Nardwuar: So, the question arises Pamela... bass, who was Hendrix’s, you know, bass play- the book, it’s censored isn’t it? What hap- Pamela: What does he smell like? [laughs] er, so it was a pretty amazing band. And we had pened there? Nardwuar: No, actually, a bit more than that… Lowell George play on the record. Jeff Beck Pamela: Well, I was naked. I was a naked Pamela: No, no, no. We’re just friends. and Rod Stewart sang back-ups. It was pretty hippie girl and, unfortunately in America, Nardwuar: What did Dave Navarro taste like? intense. And we were just teenage girls. they have to hide the titties so, this is the Pamela: I’m not gonna say. I’m not tellin’. Nardwuar: Pamela Des Barres, were there original of it. In England, this is the cover. Nardwuar: What does he smell like then? special groupie codes for getting to rock They didn’t hide the titty in England. They Pamela: He smells very sexy, sort of like stars? What were the secret codes? I know probably wouldn’t in Canada either, but in hippie oil. What is that? Musk... yeah. Cynthia Plaster Caster had special codes. America this is what you get. Nardwuar: Pamela Des Barres, I think this Did you have a special language that you Nardwuar: They get Pamela... quote is attributed to you: “Hey, I went after talked when you talked to a rock star? Pamela: What? Des Barres. what I wanted and I got it. Gloria Steinem Pamela: No. They usually approached me, Nardwuar: Censored. can kiss my ass.” to be honest. I was in this particular scene. I Pamela: Yes… [laughs] Pamela: [laughs] Something like that. didn’t have to go knock on backstage doors Nardwuar: Pamela, what did The Beatles Because she sort of put me down when the and all that stuff. They kind of came up to me smell like? book came out because of being anti-femi- and wanted to meet me and I never really had Pamela: I never got close enough, unfortu- nist, which is so lame because I was a to have any kind of code. I mean, there was nately, to smell them. woman doing what I wanted to do. Isn’t that a code of honor with me. I would never go Nardwuar: I thought you could smell them, what feminism is? That’s what I think. So, after a band member that my girlfriend was like you were looking for them and you yeah, I said that probably. crazy about, or I wouldn’t be with two mem- could smell them? Nardwuar: Pamela Des Barres, is there a bers in one band. That was a code. Pamela: Well, no, I never got close enough male version of Pamela Des Barres? Nardwuar: Pamela Des Barres, what about to smell them. I actually got to meet Paul Pamela: Actually, yes there is. I just met him your connections to Canada? Very important McCartney recently though and I tried to get recently. He’s in my new book. His name is in the Pamela Des Barres story, isn’t it? a whiff but that girl Heather was too close by. Pleather. And that’s because he has certain Pamela: Well I love Canada, but do I have a Nardwuar: Pamela, you’ve probably said attributes that show up in his pleather pants. special connection that I don’t know about? I that a few times haven’t you, “That girl was And he has slept with everybody from mean, I’ve been there, I’ve been on TV a bit too close by?” Courtney Love to all of L7. Anyway, he’s in shows, I’ve toured there. I love Toronto. Pamela: [laughs] No, because I was never a my new book. It’s called Let’s Spend the Anything else that I... cheater. I was never with married guys. I Night Together. It’s coming out in a year. Nardwuar: Well, Pamela Des Barres, you was always wanting to marry one of ‘em, Nardwuar: Pamela Des Barres, one of the lost your virginity to a Canadian! but I didn’t want to steal one away from interesting things about you is not only are Pamela: No I didn’t. He’s German. someone else. you arguably the most famous groupie in the Nardwuar: No, he’s from Canada! Nardwuar: You are the most famous world, you were also in one of the first all- Pamela: Nick St. Nicholas? groupie in the world and yet you’ve never girl punk bands, The GTO’s. Nardwuar: Yes. He grew up in Canada! ever had a one-night stand? Pamela: I guess you could call us punk. We Pamela: Oh that’s right! [laughs] Well, he’s Pamela: No. I was willing to have a one-night were more performance art. It was 1968, ‘69, German originally. I always think of him as stand with Waylon Jennings but it turned into two ‘70s, so it was very pre-punk. But yeah, we German. Yes he did! He’s still a good friend years so… but I was willing! Because he was were the first all-girl group backed by the of mine. That’s another thing about me: I sort of out of my realm. He was a country star Mothers Of Invention. Frank Zappa pro- stay friends will all my liaisons. It’s very and I was in the rock world but he turned me on! duced us. It was pretty far out. important to me. Illustration by Mitch Clem, mitchclem.com

Nardwuar: Pamela Des Barres, the drum- Nardwuar: It was Chuck Negron and like Frank Zappa taking a dump on stage mer from Three Dog Night was originally apparently he was screwing so much his and stuff. It just didn’t happen, I’m sure. He from Vancouver. What can you tell me cock split. He had to go wrap it in a towel was so young! My god, who would have about the Three Dog Night singer who and then he had to go to the hospital. thought of that, that young? I don’t know. apparently had so much sex his cock split? Pamela: Well, did he say that in his book? He was a gentleman with me. All we did Pamela: Are we talking about Danny Is that part of his… was make out. I was a virgin at the time. Hutton or Cory Wells? No, Corey Wells Nardwuar: Yes, in his book Three Dog Nardwuar: Pamela Des Barres, you were was married. He was the guy I had a crush Nightmare. with the rock‘n’roll singer known as Mick... on but we never did anything. I sat on his Pamela: [laughs] Wow. Pamela: Mick Jagger, yes. lap a few times but he was married, so, Nardwuar: That was one hell of a nightmare. Nardwuar: Mick Jagger. But what about you know... Pamela: He’s sober now, so it’s wonderful. Bill Wyman? I heard that he once had 265 Nardwuar: I guess I’m talking about He’s probably doing much better now. girls in two weeks. Is that possible? groupie injuries. Like people screwing so Nardwuar: Pamela Des Barres, one per- Pamela: [laughs] Did he say that? It’s much that a cock will split. son you did come in contact with was probably in his book, right? I don’t know. I Pamela: I never heard of that. I was just… Jim Morrison. didn’t get to know Bill very well. I was just I was a one-on-one girl. I didn’t do weird Pamela: Yes, I did. hanging around with Mick, really. things. I heard about weird things. I never Nardwuar: Now can you confirm this at Nardwuar: What were the other Stones did weird things. I never saw weird things. all, Pamela Des Barres? Was it true he liked like, you know: Bill Wyman, Charlie Nardwuar: Nothing weird happened in to shit on girls? Watts? What were they like? ‘Cause we front of you? Pamela: I’ve never heard that. He was don’t hear a lot about them, but they’ve Pamela: No, no, not in front of me. I heard always a perfect gentleman with me. I think lived some pretty wild 265-in-two- about the weird things. that’s just one of those ridiculous rumors, weeks years.

17 Pamela: Well, Charlie Watts has been with Nardwuar: You married Gram Parsons’ Nardwuar: So any hints as to who will be the same woman since The Rolling Stones daughter! Pamela Des Barres when the movie version started. So I don’t know. He didn’t get up to Pamela: Well, she’s my goddaughter too. comes out? Any hints? much. But Mick used to bring him over to my And she just had a baby girl and I’m her Pamela: No, just some gorgeous young girl; house in London and one time I was getting godmother as well, but I married her to her some sexy, hot young girl. out of the bathtub and he literally covered husband. I’m a minister so I can do that. Nardwuar: And onto the future Pamela— Charlie’s eyes. So he’s a quiet type, I think. Nardwuar: Yeah, so how and why did you this book you’re putting out has a chapter on Nardwuar: Pamela Des Barres, what about become a minister? the girl from Faster Pussycat Kill Kill. What Tiny Tim? Is it true that he showered ten Pamela: I’m a very deeply spiritual girl. I can you tell the people about her? She times a day? try to live in the moment. I love everybody. sounds fascinating! The King! Pamela: Yes, it is. I’m a witness to that. I I’ve got Jesus tattooed on my back. It just Pamela: She is. Tura Satana was a Japanese mean, I wasn’t in the shower with him, but made sense that I would go in that direction. American stripper in the early ‘50s and she he would leave the room and go take many I do rock‘n’roll weddings. I use people’s met Elvis in the south and she says she showers. He got all hot and bothered. He lyrics from songs they love and weave them taught him how to do everything. Not only was all “Aaaaaahahah.” [makes high pitch into the vows and stuff. If anybody wants, to have all various types of sex, but to dance. noise] He couldn’t take it. The GTO’s were they can send for me and I’ll marry you. And the first chapter of my new book, Let’s Pamela, what did The Beatles smell like? just too much for him. We would just sit on Nardwuar: That would be pretty cool. Who Spend the Night Together, is about her. It’s his lap and play with his hair and everything has been married by Pamela Des Barres so pretty great. and he kept having to go take a shower. far? Gram Parsons’ daughter... Nardwuar: Pamela, winding up here, what Nardwuar: Pamela Des Barres, what about Pamela: Gram Parsons’ daughter and some was it like to be on Larry King? What’s Joe Cocker and cheeseburgers? Did you other good friends of mine, some publicist Larry King like? hear anything about Joe Cocker and cheese- people. I’ve only just started. I’ve got two Pamela: Oh, Larry King was so respectful. burgers? He loved cheeseburgers. more weddings lined up this year. My first two TV appearances were on the Pamela: No, I did not hear anything about Nardwuar: Pamela Des Barres, your hus- Today Show, which is a very big show in Joe Cocker and cheeseburgers. band, Michael... America, and Larry King. So once I got Nardwuar: Pamela Des Barres, how into Pamela: Des Barres those two out of the way, I could do any- satan was Jimmy Page? Nardwuar: Your ex-husband. thing. And Larry was wonderful. He talks to Pamela: He was not into satan. That’s Pamela: Yes. everyone the same way. Everything is very just bullshit. Nardwuar: He described how in the mid- serious. All the stuff he asked me, he asked Nardwuar: Did you notice anything, though? ’70s the music moved from “fuck music” to Jesse Jackson, who I had to follow one day. Pamela: No. He liked Aleister Crowley. He “fuck you” music. I’ve done Larry twice. It was great. really liked him. He admired him and Pamela: Well, of course it did with The Sex Nardwuar: Have you had any fun times respected him. I helped him purchase a man- Pistols and all that and it needed that. It was with any politicians at all? uscript that he’d written on. He was very getting too, I don’t know, lame. It needed a Pamela: No, but I think Bill Clinton is hot. happy to get that. He bought his cape. He kick in the ass and they gave it the right kick Nardwuar: And lastly here, Pamela Des bought his mansion in Scotland, but there in the ass. Barres, what’s your favorite Duran Duran was nothing dark about it. They never sold Nardwuar: Pamela Des Barres, what hap- side-project? Arcadia or Power Station? their souls to the devil or anything like that. pened to groupiecentral.com. It was such a Pamela: [laughs] Of course it’s gotta be Nardwuar: Let’s go back for a second. You great website but now it’s gone. Was it shut Power Station because my husband sang bought an Aleister Crowley manuscript? down because there was so much dirt on it? with them for a while. Replaced Robert That sounds fascinating. A first edition? Pamela: Yes. Bebe Buell had something to Palmer. He got to do Live Aid. It was so cool Where’d you find that? What’s that about? do with that. They were talking so much shit to see him sing in front of a billion people. Pamela: Well that was 1969, so it was a long about her, I think. She really had something Nardwuar: Anything else you wanna time ago and I remember Jimmy sent me a to do with shutting that down. I think she add to the people out there at all Pamela $13,050 wire. That was a lot of money then. did. She complained so much. Des Barres? But can you imagine what that’s worth now? Nardwuar: Pamela, how do you keep Pamela: No. Thank you. I think you’ve I mean yeah, it wasn’t even a manuscript— healthy? Because you’ve had some covered it. with the scribbles and cross-outs—the first health scares in past years. How do you Nardwuar: Or people can buy the book! original manuscript from one of his books. keep healthy? Pamela: Please buy the book. Nardwuar: Pamela Des Barres, what about Pamela: I had breast cancer, but I think it’s Nardwuar: Well, thanks so much Pamela the thought that Altamont was a pre-planned all gone now. I went through surgery and Des Barres. Why should people care about satanic ritual? You were there, weren’t you, radiation and everything. I just eat healthy I’m with the Band and Pamela Des Barres? at Altamont? Or were you around? What do and I exercise. I do yoga. I do Kundalini Pamela: Because the time I lived through in you know about Altamont being a pre- yoga, I have a lot of facials, I run, I do all the ‘60s and early ‘70s, music was revolu- planned satanic ritual? kinds of things to stay healthy and I’m a tionary. It’s never gonna come again and I Pamela: No, I was with the Stones there. So vegetarian. I’m fifty-seven years old, so was right in the middle of it. un-pre-planned. It just happened to be… something’s working! Nardwuar: Well, thanks so much Pamela they gave too much power to the Hell’s Nardwuar: Pamela Des Barres, Ally Des Barres. Keep on rockin’ in the free Angels and they caused a really negative Sheedy as Pamela Des Barres—wasn’t Ally world and doot doola doot doo... energy in the air. It was very bad vibes. I left Sheedy going to be Pamela Des Barres in Pamela: Doot doo. even before the Stones came on and met up your book? with Mick afterwards at the hotel. It was just Pamela: She was the first person to option To hear this interview visit such horrible energy, but it wasn’t satanic or my book for a film and it just didn’t happen. www.nardwuar.com it wasn’t pre-planned, either. You know, she had the option for three Nardwuar: Pamela Des Barres, you mar- years. I’ve been trying to get this movie ried Gram Parsons’ daughter. made for eighteen years now, so it’s gonna Pamela: Yes I did! happen. It is gonna happen. 19 “Cruising through Iowa cornfields, REPPOORRTTSS burning off gallons TTHHEE DDIINNGGHHOOLLEE RE of precious gasoline, RHYTHM CHICKEN blaring rock music, and screaming along.” WISCONSIN DORKS! The Dinghole Reports says, “So, how does it feel to be puked on by To tell the truth, I’ve been enjoying what I call By the Rhythm Chicken the singer of the Jayhawks?” So there you TRUE American culture since my return. (commentary by Francis Funyuns) have it. I take a year of night classes to learn Some think American culture is baseball, hot- [Edited by Dr. Sicnarf] the Polish language. I quit my American job dogs, and apple pie. Not me. Upon returning and move to Poland. I live in a friggin’ con- to Wisconsin, I spent my first five days in AMERICA! FUCK YEAH! U-S-A! U-S- crete apartment in a Polish post-communist Milwaukee inhaling a constant flow of greasy A! LAND OF MAC-N-CHEESE, TRUCK- concrete jungle, and I end up getting puked on food and cheap beer! Then I spent one week STOP COFFEE, AND THE by the singer of the Jayhawks. Once again, settling back into my woodshed in Northern PABST/BLATZ/SCHLITZ TRINITY! Oh truth is much stranger than fiction. I am now Wisconsin, drinking beer by the roadside Asay can I SEE… my yankee doodle DING- certain that American influence has saturated while watching monster pickup trucks pass HOLE!!! Not only am I back in these here every unfortunate corner of the globe. I took it by. Then came the REAL re-introduction to stateside STATES, but I’m back in the one as a sign that I should return to Northern American culture, the roadtrip! After a year of state that MATTERS… WISCONSIN! ON Wisconsin, to an area where I’m sure no riding trains, trams, buses, and mini-buses WISCONSIN! This ain’t no sunshine Jayhawks will puke on me. around Eastern Europe, the all-American state! This ain’t no “show me” state! This roadtrip across America’s heartland was a real ain’t no “land of Lincoln.” THIS IS THE (MmmmwaaaHA-HA-HA! You got puked on yankee-doodle shot in the arm! LAND OF OLD-MAN TAVERNS AND by a JAYHAWK! In POLAND! –F.F.) There’s nothing more American than two CHEESE CURDS! Wisconsin dorks cruising through Iowa corn- [That really is a most fascinating, story, Mr. fields, burning off gallons and gallons of pre- (Hey! Welcome home, Rhythm Chicken! So, Chicken! Now that you’re back in Wisconsin cious gasoline, blaring rock music, and Poland deported you again, eh? –F.F.) maybe you can get puked on by one of the screaming along. The most intense case of Bodeans, or something! –Dr. S.] culture shock hit me at our first Flying-J truck [Mr. Chicken! What a pleasant surprise! But, stop. That aisle of CB radio equipment! The we weren’t expecting you for a few more BUCK – BUCK – BUCKAW!!! SILENCE! shower stalls for truckers! The racks of truck- months, at least. Why the sudden return to If anyone’s gonna be doing the puking, it’s er shirts and trucker denim! The racks of your homenest? –Dr. S.] ME! I’M gonna puke on the BODEANS! I’M trucker tapes and CDs! The oil-stained, beer- gonna puke on GARBAGE! I’M gonna puke bellied, pill-poppin’, mesh-hat-wearing Well, to tell the truth, Krakow was getting to on ARRESTED DEVELOPMENT! I’M TRUCKERS! It was the furthest thing from be too much like America. The spring brought gonna puke on friggin’ TIMBUK-3! I’M Poland I’d ever seen. I was in shock. I was in warm weather and the return of the largest gonna puke on gol’dang OFF BROADWAY! awe. AMERICA! FUCK YEAH! throng of stupid American tourists, EVER! I Then when I’m good and ready, I’ll go to couldn’t go anywhere without hearing some nearby fairgrounds festival where the [Excuse me, Mr. America, but I hope you’re American English over my shoulder. Oh, Jayhawks are playing to return the favor! getting around to this issue’s Dinghole Report. what a BEAUTIFUL town square! Daddy, can REVENGE WILL BE MINE! Razorcake has become a full-fledged non- we ride the horse drawn carriage? Where can profit organization during your absence, and I I get a USA Today? Oh, LOOK, Honey! They [You know, you could probably sell those don’t know how much longer the powers-that- have McDonald’s HERE, TOO! Well, where’s pukey shoes on eBay. –Dr. S.] be can put up with your hogwash. –Dr. S.] the Starbucks? I don’t even see ONE strip- mall! Oh, Honey, just give the poor beggar Uh, yeah. So, I got my plane ticket and made (Jeez! It’s HOOSHWASH, you friggin’ some of that Polish money. Oh, the guys back the best out of my remaining time in Krakow. SLICK-SLACK! Heh… hogwash. I mean at the office would LOVE these beer prices! I got to know Krakow’s own purveyors of that REALLY! –F.F.) The only area free of Americans was my poor, “Kalifornia Punk” sound, CF-98. They’re a cement commie-block neighborhood, where I great bunch of guys (and girl) who kept me So, my old buddy Lightning Greg Steffke and I sought constant refuge. out in a downtown park drinking cheap beer were heading down to Kansas City to be My complete and utter dislike of ‘til the eight AM beerfight! Then I fell asleep groomsmen in the wedding of our old friend American tourists boiled over my last night at on the morning bus, drunk, and woke up lost Byron. Byron was once the singer of Green my favorite Irish pub. A friend introduced me in a quite unfamiliar neighborhood. Two days Bay’s late-‘80s hardcore faves, the Byrons. to an odd-looking fellow and said, “He’s from later, I got to see Apatia one last time. Apatia Byron is now the bass player for Kansas City’s Minnesota. You two should have a lot to talk (Polish for “Apathy”) are one of Poland’s own Doris Henson, who do tours opening up about.” Well, our conversation lasted about older punk outfits, being around since “former for Billy Corgan and stuff like that. We knew it ten seconds until he PUKED VIOLENTLY times.” I also got to see Zlodzieje Rowerow would be a rock wedding, but little did we know into his hand! (American tourists are light- (Bicycle Thieves) one last time. All these what was in store for us! We arrived in KC weights with Polish beer.) His puke landed on bands were great, and I hated to leave Poland, around midnight and Byron took us straight to my pants leg, in my beer, and all over my but my shoes were full of puke and Wisconsin DB Cooper’s, a cheesy nearby ‘70s lounge that shoes. He was soon whisked out by the was calling my name. was straight from the Love Boat, only with bouncer and I was given rags to clean off the Pabst on tap! We closed DB Cooper’s and then Minnesotan vomit. I was NOT happy. Then (Well, how does it feel to be an American sat up in Byron’s antique guitar amp museum, my buddy who introduced us comes over and again? - F.F.) drinking and geeking out ‘til four AM. The following day was the bachelor party! There’s nothing more American than a good ol’ bachelor party! This one consisted of nine semi-grown men hang- ing around a backyard drinking Blatz and Boulevard beer, scotch, and Polish vodka. There were also Wisconsin bratwurst, a whole mess of guitars laying around, two wigs, a fire pit, and a pile of toy cap guns! There were no strippers, well not until the nutsacks were hanging out around the fire later in the evening. With bellies full of bratwurst, KC BBQ, and gallons of vari- ous alcohols, we reveled in Byron’s final days of bachelorhood. The following day saw us all downing more KC BBQ and beers on various porches in the Westport neighborhood. Then we had to put on our straight faces for the wedding rehearsal and rehearsal dinner. However, that evening we were allowed to cut loose, yet again. We were treated to a riotous set by Rex Hobart and the Misery Boys at KC’s hardcore shin- kickin’ honky-tonk saloon, Davey’s Uptown Ramblers Club! Much like Bob’s Country Bunker in The Blues Brothers movie, the audience threw their empties at the band, only with no chicken wire! Rex Illustration by Fose started out his set by saying into the micro- phone, “Did you ever have one of those Lightning Greg and I mornings when the only time you feel good is when you’re puking?” Seeing as were rather sauced and started how he downed most of the scotch himself grabbing nutsacks! at the bachelor party, he was just getting over his bachelor party hangover as rounds of shots were passed to the stage. We were all Now, I’ve been to quite a few “rock wed- I was able to mount the makeshift Chickenkit drinking like hounds as the wigs were passed dings” where the bride and groom have the and raise my wings to the curious wedding around the club. This KC trip was fast great idea of having a certain rock band play crowd. Much to my surprise, THEY approaching MAXIMUM HURRAY! That the reception. The end result is usually the ROARED! I hadn’t even played one lousy night ended with Lightning Greg and me sit- immediate departure of the grandparents, drunken beat and they were already MINE! I ting in the back of Byron’s pick-up truck: two aunts, uncles, and even the younger folks who unleashed the opening drumroll and then horribly sloppy, slurry drunks drinking three just don’t dig loud rock ruckus. Well, Doris raised my wings yet again. THEY ROARED AM beers in the back of an old beat up pick- Henson, Byron’s band, is indeed a loud rock LOUDER! These wedding reception proceed- up truck, giggling in our wigs. THIS is my band. They started their loud rock music, and, ings were defying all logic, yet I forged punk rock. This is my AMERICA. I was slow- to my surprise people, stayed. The young folks onward. I pounded out a most victorious return ly adapting to American life. stayed! The old folks stayed! THEY WERE to American ruckus on American soil, in a ALL DANCING! I was in complete shock friggin’ MANSION, no less! The crowd was (Okay, fine. So you had a nice little wedding when during their second loud rock number a amassed about the stage and going trip to KC. You’re morphing back into an conga line formed and the bride’s MOTHER BONKERS! I gave them a five minute taste of American drunk. Now let’s get to the pulled me into the line! By the end of that song my Wisconsin-style ruckus rhythms and left RUCKUS! –F.F.) there was a two-hundred-person conga line them wanting more. I stood arm-in-arm with wrapped around the Longview Mansion. Truth Byron for a few quick photos and was then SOOOOOO, the following day was the is SO stranger than fiction. briskly whisked backstage by Byron’s band- actual wedding. The morning and afternoon mates, secret service-style. were spent downing coffee, beer, and quali- [Come on, Mr. Chicken! You only have two The wedding reception slowed down and ty Mexican food on Byron’s porch. The hundred thirty-seven words left to get to the most went home scratching their heads after only rivals to a down home American road- RUCKUS! –Dr. S.] their first Rhythm Chicken sighting. Lightning sit are the trucksit and the porchsit. Ah, Greg and I were rather sauced and started America, where there’s always a pleasant Dinghole Report #72: Mansion Wedding grabbing nutsacks! We returned to Byron’s place to sit and drink your beer! So, the Ruckus... IN AMERICA! humble home to sit in his old pick-up truck wedding and reception were at KC’s luxuri- (Rhythm Chicken sighting #374) and down more early morning beers. After two ous Longview Mansion. This was, without a I never thought I’d see the rock wedding that weeks of being back in this country, my doubt, the most insanely high-production worked, but here I was in a mansion watching Americanization process was completed. wedding I could ever imagine. I was feast- Doris Henson rock the crowd of young and old ing on the exquisite wedding dinner fit for a alike! Well, Byron requested a Rhythm (No, Chicken-nuts. You aren’t an American king, thinking about my last year in Poland, Chicken appearance. I was sure this would again until YOU puke on the JAYHAWKS eating potatoes and cabbage. During the empty the high class joint. With enough SINGER! –F.F.) dinner there was a professional opera singer Boulevard Wheat beers in my system, I had doing his version of Elvis songs with a little holding me back from ruining the wed- Patience, Francis. Patience. Spanish guitar accompaniment. Then came ding. In my fancy suit and tie, I pulled on the the hour of normal wedding DJ activity and Chickenhead and made my way to the drums –Rhythm Chicken dancefloor antics. already on the stage. With some concentration, [email protected]

21 “300+ locations AGAAIINNSSTT IITT furiously slapping II’’MM AG tubes of processed DESIGNATED DALE meat into enriched buns as we speak...” DALE TACO San Bernardino, California: Anyhow, here’s where things start to Yes, yes, I know—what the fuck do my More Commonly Known as the mutate, a virtual fast food cocoon in its pupa opinions, the three guys that I speak of Inland Empire or “The 909” stage. It’s a couple of years after the end of above, or even McFucko’s (don’t get me WWII and, economically speaking, things started again with this company) have to do This place was a spawning pool for more are looking pretty solid, with America once with (insert ascending harp sound) Del than a recent population explosion, metham- again on the grow. The McDonald brothers Taco? I’m getting there, hotshot. Patience! A phetamine labs, and ridiculously fucked hot had noticed that more and more young peo- tad bit of history usually explains why things summers. Yes, this area of Southern ple were driving cars, so they took aim at end up the way they do, okay? The stream- SCalifornia was the birthplace of two of the this opportunity and converted their lined effectiveness of the McDonald broth- biggest Mexican fast food joints in the McDonald’s restaurant to a drive-in a few ers’ practices heavily influenced Bell, Baker, nation: Taco Bell (Ca-Ca Smell) and the far years prior. and Gallardi with their own fast food superior Del Taco (or as I was aptly called in Fast forward to 1948. Three young go- endeavors, and to a very lucrative degree, I grade school, Dale Taco). I’ve held firm my getters are sitting together inside a parked might add. But like a whole lot of other busi- strong preference with Del Taco, and not car at that drive-in, trying to figure out just nesses, being lucrative doesn’t always guar- because of its namesake, but simply for the how the McDonald brothers do that food antee sustained product quality. Until some- better quality of food. Well, So.Cal./honki- thing they do. One of the three is Glenn Bell, one constructs an actual working time fied (Caucasian-influenced) Mexican food, who had opened a hot dog stand, also in San machine, one will never able to prove with- if you will. If you’re one of “those people” Bernardino. Glenn gets it in his mind that he out a doubt that the food quality has taken it who lean in favor towards Ca-Ca Smell, I could use the McDonald’s streamlined sys- on the chin of said mentioned restaurants. don’t know what else to say other than enjoy tem to sell Mexican food, something he was And speaking of sustained product qual- your sporadic, feverish runs due to the foul, quite fond of at the time. He first founded ity, we get to the Del Taco portion of our pro- meat-like rectal grime they pass off as Taco Tia (which is still based out in San gram. Fast forward another handful of years ground beef. And light a match after you’re Berdo, last I heard). Of course, Glenn’s to 1961. Taco business is gaining some finished in there, please. greatest triumph was getting his Taco Bell momentum, and Glenn Bell sends one of his Make no mistake here; there is no sub- chain rolling, and the rest for him is history. employees, Ed Hackbarth, to Barstow, CA to stitute for ass-kicking, authentic Mexican We’ll get back to him in a second. manage one of his three Taco Tia restaurants. food, and, with a little perseverance, you’re There were two others that parked at the That same Taco Tia is soon to become a Taco probably going to find it, that is, unless you drive in: Neal Baker, who was inspired to Bell, the new chain that Glenn creates start- live in NYC (prove me wrong, Sis). But I’m give it a go with his Baker’s burger chain, ing with his first location opening up in talking fast food here folks, something I usu- which is still in existence today with over Downey, CA in 1962. Within a few years, ally like to buy from a mom and pop burger thirty restaurants throughout the Inland Hackbarth decides to set out on his own and joint. And when I’m itching for Mexican on Empire. The last guy in that car was John opens up Casa Del Taco in Yermo, CA close the fly, Del Taco’s the dealer who’s been Gallardi. John launched his first Der by to the city of Barstow where he was man- holding for some years now. In fact, they’re Wienerschnitzel stand (supposedly named aging. That little building is actually still the only corporate grub chain (besides In-N- by Glenn’s wife) later on down the road in standing in Yermo, right off the 15 freeway, Out) that I’m fully backing, so go ahead and 1961, in Wilmington, CA, to be exact. John a little down the road from a ‘50s-style diner. sue me, all you filthy, tree-hugging hippies. didn’t do too badly, either, as his hot dog Yvonne and I spotted it around last Getting to the subject of its origins, Del chain went on to be the nation’s largest, with Christmas, cutting through a back road Taco was actually a result linked to the rip- some 300+ locations furiously slapping inside a tow truck that was taking us back to pling effect of the McDonald brothers tubes of processed meat into enriched buns Barstow after our near-death collision with a opening their first hamburger joint in San as we speak (sounds like the doings of some stray van wheel on our way to Vegas. Bernardino, located on 14th and E St. in video production company based in San Driving by it was kind of strange, as it 1940. The key thing Richard and Maurice Pornando, nearby pals Diego and Jenny). No looked like it was open with a few people McDonald brought to the table with their offense to Gallardi, but nothing beats a done- standing around the dusty front of it. I defi- restaurant was the assembly line tech- up dog when visiting Chi-Town, in my opin- nitely want to check it out next time driving niques that would ultimately shape the ion. As far as I know, there’s no Der Wienie out that way, and encourage DT enthusiasts industry of drive-thrus to come. Too bad in Chicago, and that’s a good thing. Why? to do the same. the McCompany didn’t see fit to keep the Because even the thought of hitting up a Der After buying the Barstow location (the same consistent product over the years. For Wienie in Chicago is like committing the 1st Ave. spot that still stands, not the some reason, it feels as though I’m going same carnal sin of ordering Domino’s Pizza Lenwood Exit location you see by the outlet hack up clods of cold grease every time I in NYC. That is, if you prefer to gnaw on a malls) from Bell, Hackbarth shortened the eat there, so you can pretty much get the pizza crust-shaped piece of plastic that tastes name of his soon-to-be chain Del Taco, and picture as to why I pass when it comes to like Lassie and Benji took turns doing dog he was soon on his way. Months after the 1st Grimace and his pals. wheelies across it. Ave. location, a second restaurant opened up Illustration by Art Fuentes in Corona, CA, only this time there was an Jameson sold their stock to an independently pimpin’ as CEO and owner. And Del Taco increased sales addition built on: a drive-thru held firm. The new management team set was back in the ring with both fists swinging. window that became a standard feature of the their sights on further expansion throughout “I was surprised that somebody would tackle Del Taco chain. What’s weird is that the Southern California. The 50th Del Taco the situation,” says Ed Hackbarth, the chain’s passing of the torch even continued on dur- restaurant opened in February, 1977 with the founder, whose family still owns eight Del ing the infant stages of Del Taco. 100th restaurant opening just nineteen Taco franchises. Dick Naugle, an employee of Del Taco at months later. Not bad for a former Ca-Ca In 1998, Kevin remained focused to start this time, set out on his own to build the Smell employee. up some serious franchising, and at the time, Naugles (or “Nalgas” as I called them) fast But things weren’t to be so rosy after the Del Taco had just a few franchised stores. food Mexican chain in 1970 in Riverside, chain was bought out by W.C. Grace in 1977. Today there are 194. Just this past April, a CA, not too far away from the whole San Turns out that there was some serious debt deal was done and Del Taco has been sold to Berdo breeding ground. Harold Butler, who issues going on, and 1990 was going to prove Feltenstein and Powell, who operate as founded the small-portioned rip-off known to be the breaking point. Enter Brooklynite Sagittarius Brands from Nashville. They run as Denny’s, bought Naugles from Naugle in Kevin Moriarty. Moriarty, a former Burger the 600-store Captain D’s fast food seafood 1971 when his chain consisted of only three King executive, came to Del Taco in 1990 as chain they acquired last year. Feltenstein and restaurants. (Butler then built it up to 225 part of a bailout by General Electric’s finance Powell took on Del Taco because of the ever- restaurants by 1985, when he sold the chain company. GE traded $100 million in unpaid increasing clout of private-equity investors to Collins Food International. Naugles then loans made to Del Taco’s previous owners for (people who drool over older businesses such merged with Del Taco in 1988 with those control of the then-floundering chain. as fast food that spit out lots of cash). And annoying “Viva Naugles! Viva Del Taco!” Moriarty’s orders were pretty cut and dry: get plans to aggressively market the chain to television spots.) GE out of that poopy loan. Del Taco was uncharted U.S. territories are in the works. Two years later, Red-E-Foods Systems, anchored down with more than heavy debts. All I hope is that they don’t go changing Inc. was formed and Del Taco became the It had confused marketing messages and a anything too drastically, especially the food hot shit So.Cal. franchise to be part of. large menu that was biting off more burrito consistency. Like most things in life: if it ain’t During 1972, an updated, twenty-eight seat than it could chew. Moriarty recalled when broke, don’t fix it. And for the record, Del restaurant opened in Newport Beach, CA: Del Taco couldn’t even pay its electric bills: Taco Dan is pretty frickin’ cool in person, so the largest Del Taco operating at that time. “When I took it over, everything was wrong,” please don’t dick with him if you happen to This location was the cat’s ass of the modern, says Moriarty, “It was madness.” see him around. Trust me, it won’t be the first efficient fast-food outlet and became the Kevin still insists that on his first day time he’s heard some stupid-ass out in public, design prototype for future Del Taco digs to with his new company he saw the opportuni- trying to be clever about him and a taco, so do come. In 1973, Red-E-Foods Systems, Inc. ty and possibility. He placed Del Taco back ‘em the kindness and go punch the officially changed its name to Del Taco, Inc. on their feet with financial and operational Hamburglar in the breadbasket instead. It’s This year of progress also marked the first handiwork and by slashing the menu back to what he gets for being a thief, anyway, the year that Del Taco was opening restaurants at its intended plan: affordable, hearty grub for striped, sticky-fingered creep. a rate of about one per month. Three years folks like yours truly. By 1993, a planned after changing the name to Del Taco, Inc. bankruptcy got the GE monkey off of every- I’m Against It founders Ed Hackbarth and partner David one’s back, and Moriarty was now big –Designated Dale

23

“The interesting ZE MMYY HHOORRNN thing I found in SSQQUUEEEEZE these talk show GARY HORNBERGER fiascos is the abuse of statistics.”

Laughing at the Ignorance I once heard somewhere that we, as a Here is where we stand: if they see you my truck into the parking lot at Home Depot nation, were heading for an inevitable race waving the flag of another country, they’re and several men come racing at me, looking war. It was supposed to happen sooner than not going to help you. Secondly, if the crowd for work, misconstruing my owning a truck later, and it was to be between blacks and is full of non-voters, those politicians are for maybe being in construction, but for the whites. I remember turning my nose up at the really not going to help you out anyway. Hear most part, the job probably wouldn’t get done idea, because, really, do we have time for that me out. I’m not a racist. I’m just not big on if it weren’t for them. Show me a U.S. citizen kind of war? Lately, however, racism is on the ignorant people. I don’t want to kick anybody who would work in the fields for less than front page of the newspaper almost daily, back to some third world country—those minimum wage. And, if that wage was high- only it’s not black and white, it’s now brown places are brutal—but do something to make er, would you pay seven dollars a head for let- Iand political white. Now the only reason I’m me want to help you out. tuce? The issue is more delicate than the touching this bottle labeled poison is that Recently, I have been on vacation, one of national anthem in español, and this is why I many of my friends and acquaintances are of those “stay around the house and attempt to sit high on the fence on this issue. Yes, some- Hispanic decent, and the discussions have tidy up and get things done” kind of vaca- thing has to be done, but it has to benefit all been interesting. tions. One of my tasks has been to convert old sides. Am I the one with an answer? Hell no! Everyone is up to date on the fact that the VHS tapes to DVD. In doing so, I came All I’m asking is that before there’s a big pro- U.S. government is trying its best to do some- across a copy of the Geraldo show in which duction, sit down and think about what you’re thing about the illegal immigrant issue, and he entertains some Aryan types and the show going to say and how you’re going to do it. because of it, there have been large marches gets out of control to the point of a bloody, Thanks for listening. to protest them. It is in these marches that cut-up nose. If you’re going to invite the things start to break down. To start with, opposition and not keep them in a cage, don’t –Gary when making a point to stay in a country that taunt them and repeatedly poke them with a is affording one a better quality of life, do not broomstick. You have to hear someone out THE TICK (DAYS OF DRAMA) wave the flag of another country. I have some before you can pass judgment. $3.95 U.S. Scottish in me, but I don’t have a giant flag of In my digging I also found an airing of The Tick keeps on going, thanks in part to Scotland waving from my truck. Okay, you The Morton Downey Jr. Show in which he the writing team of Clay and Susan Griffith. got me. I’m a mutt, but I can’t wave all those berates David Duke. If you remember, Duke Ben Edlund’s character has endured some flags at once. My point, however, is that I was was a Presidential hopeful that used to be a ups and downs over the course of its histo- born in Norwalk, lived in La Mirada, and now head guy in the KKK. In the same show Mort ry. Most of the downs were due to some reside in Artesia, which I think makes me a has the tandem of Tom and John Metzger— shaky story lines and some humorless writ- Californian, and lastly, a United States citi- the younger of which was involved in the ing. The other problem is that the comic is zen, so, like it or not, I pledge to the stars and Geraldo fight—and they argue about welfare non-traditional in the way that it is put out, stripes. My country affords me that. Now, if and race issues. The interesting thing I found meaning that it is numbered by story con- the government wanted to send me back to in these talk show fiascos is the abuse of sta- cept rather than a straight numbering sys- Europe, my complaining for wanting to stay tistics. Who is on welfare? Are they black? tem. It would be easier to find back issue would be done with the U.S. flag. Hispanic? White? Asian? Who is the minori- number twenty-six than Days of Drama This now brings up the conversation that a ty skinhead? Is it the punk, ska, or Rasta? four. All that aside, I like the new comic friend at work had with his mother. My friend, Here at the house we get a magazine except for the new slimed-down Arthur. who I would say is of Mexican decent, argued called the Intelligence Report and it contains When Arthur was dumpy, he was more lik- with his mother that he was not Mexican, that he statistics on hate groups in general. In one able and it added a clumsy humor, like a was indeed American, even Pico Riveraian. chart I was able to see that every state has Chris Farley kind of thing. I really like that Apparently, this was a heated debate in his some hate group actively working their agen- this story line doesn’t add to the large list of household. Is it at this point that we conclude das, and most states have several—and those abundant superheroes and gives us the old that ethnicity is looked at differently by genera- are the groups they know about. In one of the ones like Running Man, Caped Cod, and tions? I’m not sure. articles it explained that in one group several Barry. Now, as for villains, this story has I have another problem with the marches: of the members were on trial for killing their the Devil heading a group of cloaked, role- the fact that a large portion of the protesters were own. That seems interesting. Killing their playing nerds that are trying to take over high school kids who were joining the rallies own? I heard where Stalin did something like the city. The concept is very similar to the merely to cut classes. We had a couple at work that and I’ve read recently that several of the Ninja Hedge, from the first series of tell us that they cut out just because they could African states are doing this. Although, it comics. And who doesn’t love the Ninja get out of school and that they didn’t really know seems that in the modern world it’s more Hedge? What I really love in this series are any of the reasons for the protest. Okay, stop! In empowering to brutally torture someone the one-liners that, for awhile, were few debate, everyone at the table should be well before killing them. and far between. For example: “Let those informed. When the politicians see and hear Where do I stand on the issue of race rela- who join the dark lord live a thousand years these things, they’re laughing at the ignorance. tions? I’m not sure. I can get hot when I drive bathed in milk and honey. If you’re lactose This is the curse of comics.

They keep us buying them.

The Tick intolerant—extra honey for you!” Come the jars over and that all the bugs have gone against a tree where a final arrow pierces on, that’s funny. Now, if you can get mad. Here ends issue two. I know: what the his eye for good measure. The only sound through all of New England Press’s back hell happens? Well, that is why we have to is some laughing just before the arrow hits issue and collectibles advertising, I think go out and buy issue three. This is the curse his eye. From this point, we are introduced that this new writing team will come real of comics. They keep us buying them. The to a large, non-speaking man who chases a close to laughing readers out of their seats. inks are really well done and add to the chicken that leads him to the arrow-in-the- Hell, what am I saying? It’s the Tick for creepiness of the comic. Let’s just say if you eye man. We then skip to a father and son god’s sake; of course it’s going to be were one of those kids who collected or tor- eating squirrel by the campfire at night and funny. (New England Press, 732 tured bugs as a kid, you’ll love this book, or the two are discussing the trip they are on, Washington St., Norwood, MA 02062, maybe you’ll feel guilty and throw it in the to bury a five-year-old, with long pauses of www.newenglandcomics.com) trash. Either way; read this and have some silence in between. At some point in the fun. (Office of Publication, 1859 Main St. black they hear a hello. The father, drawing BUG GIRL #2 #2, Napa, CA 94559, www.moronik.com, his gun, calls warning to the voice, and $2.95 U.S., $4.50 Can. www.rubendeluna.com) who should it be but arrow man and his by George Dondero and Ruben Deluna bald friend. A scuffle ensues in which the One would think that taking a human and CRICKETS father shoots at the bald guy and the bullet shrinking them down to bug size would $3.95 U.S., $4.95 Can. doesn’t even scratch him, so the father and make for a somewhat The Fly type story, by Sammy Harkham son assume that the two are a wizard and but this one is actually fun to read. The I read this over and over and all I can come golem team. Assuming that the man with cover was kind of dark and morbid, which up with is that it is morbidly bizarre but an arrow in his eye is a wizard, they ask is why I made the purchase, but I’ve got to shockingly entertaining. The story is called him to resurrect the young dead boy. When say that the story line is almost wicked. “Black Death” and it’s a pretty accurate arrow head tells them he’s not a wizard, The little girl (the bug killer) is captured title, except I think the title refers to the another fight breaks out between the two and shrunk. She is then sentenced to death, fact that the entire killing takes place at and the boy mistakenly shoots the father. but talks her way out by telling them she night. Most of the story is visual with no The big bald guy picks the son up by the can get them to an eternal food source in words spoken. For instance, at the start, we head, killing the son. End of story. So you the pantry of the house. The trip begins and see panel after panel of a man running tell me: is this one bizarre story, or what? they must navigate past spiders, the cat, while being pelted by a barrage of arrows. (Drawn and Quarterly, PO Box 48056 humans, and poison traps. Eventually, they He falls down while somehow catching his Montreal, Quebec, Canada, H2V458, reach her room to release the bugs she had pant leg on fire, gets back up, runs off of a www.drawnandquarterly.com) captured and kept in jars. Upon reaching cliff, falling through tree branches, until he the room, they find that the cat knocked all finally comes to rest on the ground up 27 Dan Monick’s Photo Page “We have a living, breathing scene E THE DDOOGG AA MMOONNKKEEYY TO RRIIDDE that exists for the SEAN CARSWELL music and for the people who love it.”

FOR Another Anthem the Disenfranchised San Pedro is a good place to go when of mouth spread. Thirty or forty kids were porations selling these trends back to the you’re looking for answers. It’s at the end of milling around the venue before the first kids who started them. Over the past ten L.A.’s craziest freeway, south of and central band had even played. years, with the help of cool hunting and data to South Central. It’s a tangled mess of dirty I forgot the first band’s name. They mining, this repackaging and co-opting of water and industry, glowing even at night in were from Boston. They weren’t bad, but youth has only gotten quicker and more the toxic orange lights of the Port of Los they weren’t that good, either. Halfway effective. Even the latest trend to promote sAngeles. In a way, Pedro is America. It’s through their set, the singer said, “I’m independent music, Myspace, was purchase where the dock workers went on strike a freaking out to be playing in the home of by Newscorp earlier this year. Newscorp few years ago and the President forced them the Minutemen.” I was thinking, no shit; (the media giant that owns Twentieth back to work, arguing that America doesn’t you’re copping more riffs off of Mike Watt Century Fox and Fox News) paid $580 mil- run without the Port of Los Angeles. Of than Mike Watt cops. I headed across the lion for Myspace. They hope to recoup a lot course, no one asked the question: if street to get a tall boy and brown paper bag of that money by selling demographic infor- America really depends so much on these to hold it in. mation from Myspace pages to advertisers. guys, why don’t we give them a raise? It was about ten o’clock on a Friday Take a second to think about that. America doesn’t really depend on the night. The local drug store was packed. It Remember that old Jawbreaker line? President. Positions of power here are like was obviously the spot where the locals got “Selling kids to other kids.” the mythical hydra. Cut off Bush’s head and their booze. Different groups of kids milled This repackaging of trends, this drive another corporate shill will sprout in his around. I didn’t recognize faces, but I rec- to sell our own culture to us, is having place. Cut off the salary of the Pedro dock ognized the scenes: the goth girl with her exactly the effect that you’d expect. Our worker, and we’re all fucked. pasty white skin and black eyeliner; the chi- music, our scenes, our lives become stag- But these weren’t the answers I was cano metalhead who looked straight out of nant and superficial. It can get depressing. looking for when I headed down to Pedro 1986; the mohawked punk with his pegged So I bought my tall boy and headed back last week. black jeans (who wasn’t headed over to the to the show. I went down there for two reasons. TTK show, by the way); the sad indie rock- The Marked Men were setting up when First, because Toys That Kill were playing ers with their Morrissey shirts; the hip hop I got back there. There was no sound man or with The Marked Men. A few weeks earlier, kids; the dirty hippies; and of course me and sound board. Just a P.A. and a guy standing Toys That Kill played their record release the TTK refugees in our black T-shirts and at the front of the stage, fiddling knobs. The show. I missed that one. The next day, jeans. Nothing new there. Nothing too venue was less of a venue and more of an though, I was hanging out with Razorcake strange except that I realized that every abandoned space at the end of a rundown columnist Jim Ruland and writer Roy group of kids I saw was in their early twen- commercial building. Plaster flaked off the Kesey. They’d both been to the show. It was ties and every scene they represented— walls. The ceiling had holes in it. The floor the first ever punk show for Roy. He kept goth, metal, punk, hip hop, indie rock, hip- was bare concrete. No advertisements hung talking about it. He told me, “It wasn’t what pie—was in its twenties or older, too. These on the wall. There was no doorman, no I expected punk rock to be. No mohawks. kids were dressed in the uniforms that their security. I don’t think anyone was actually No leather.” And: “It was the friendliest rebellious parents could’ve worn. And working there. The only people dealing with mosh pit. Kids would knock the shit out of there’s something fundamentally off about money in the joint were the bands selling each other, but stop and help up anyone who that. It made me wonder where the next merch and the guy passing the hat for the fell down.” I knew this about the show. I great youth movement was going to come bands. Nothing but the music and the peo- didn’t have to drive down to see it. Still, to from or if it would come at all. ple who came to hear it. hear Roy talk about it, to hear the amaze- Now, I know I’m basing my judgments Enter The Marked Men. They’re defi- ment in his voice, felt like a clue of some on these kids solely on their clothes. I know nitely one of my favorites. When their sort. Another clue came from Ruland, when that there’s more to a subculture than their album On the Outside came out a couple of he talked about Toys That Kill playing the clothes. I also know it seems like I’m look- years ago, it got stuck in my truck’s CD anthems of the gutted San Pedro kids. I lis- ing down on these kids like the grumpy old player. No malfunction on the part of the tened to Roy and Ruland and kicked myself man saying, “Goddamn it, get your own stereo; I just couldn’t bring myself to take for missing that Toys That Kill show. scene.” That’s not my intention. Because I the CD out. And since I pretty much only I didn’t miss the one with The Marked don’t care. Dress however you want. Rebel drove that summer when I was driving to Men, though. Like I said, I was down there however you want. the beach to go surfing, that album is etched searching for answers. Or at least for a little What concerns me about all these kids, in my mind as a sign of good things to insight. Because I’m worried about kids though, is the time period when the fashions come. They were touring this time to pro- today. I’ll explain. of scenes seemed to freeze. The mid-to-late mote their new album, Fix My Brain. I had- In typical Pedro fashion, venues eighties. It was exactly when corporations n’t heard the new one yet. From the opening changed on the day of the show. There was started to realize how to capitalize on youth chords of their set, from the pure energy and no listing for the show in any of the week- movements, how to figure out exactly what excitement, from the kids swirling around lies or online. The venue switch was publi- the hot new trends were and how to repack- me, going nuts, I knew The Marked Men cized strictly by word of mouth. Still, word age these trends so that it could be the cor- were on to more good things to come. Toys That Kill, rulin’, in Pedro • photo by Todd Taylor There’s more to The Marked Men, Arrivals, Tiltwheel, The Thumbs. The list repackaged and sold back to us. It’s a though. They come out of a scene in goes on. Recess Records, the label that TTK beautiful thing. Denton, Texas, that’s given birth to a few singer/guitarist Todd runs, has put out But it’s not that simple. bands whose albums get stuck in my stereo: albums by bands that have graced four On the long drive home, across the con- the Chop Sakis, The Riverboat Gamblers, Razorcake covers. crete expanse of L.A., I kept thinking about High Tension Wires, The Reds. Now, grant- Most of the reason I’ve seen TTK so it. Shows like The Marked Men/Toys That ed, a lot of those bands have overlapping much has to do with how much fun it is to be Kill one are beautiful things. They’re con- members, so the music scene in Denton at their shows. They have a following, a core nected to larger things, other scenes in may be smaller than I imagine. And, grant- audience that’s always there. I don’t know other towns that are doing the same type of ed, The Riverboat Gamblers were on the what to call this group. They’re loyal as things. They’re signs of a living, breathing Warped Tour last summer and, considering Deadheads and drunk as dock workers on culture that exists because we want it, their amazing new album and live show, their days off. I don’t know any of them per- because we love it, not because someone they are poised to be the next big thing, the sonally, though I’ve seen them at dozens of wants to sell it to us. But when the sweat next trend to be co-opted and sold back to shows. It’s enough just to watch them, to dries and the excitement wears off and it’s us. That hasn’t happened yet, though. We’re feel their energy, to see them singing along just me in my truck, rolling down another still in that pure time when the Denton to every word of songs that are on an album freeway, immersed in the cloned towns that bands and their music have developed that was released two weeks earlier. engulf America like the repeating backdrop organically. It’s still a music scene that And again, down here in Pedro we have in a cartoon, I have to wonder if these little exists because we love the music, not something that mirrors Denton. We have a oases of culture can ever irrigate this dry because someone is trying to sell it to us. In living, breathing scene that exists for the society we live in, or is it just a matter of a lot of ways, this was the perfect place to music and for the people who love it. It’s not time until someone buys the oasis and sells see The Marked Men—a word-of-mouth flashy. It’s not what Roy Kesey expected to us the water? show in an abandoned commercial space. see at a punk rock show. And it’s not really Nothing for sale but the stuff the bands sell punk rock in the original sense. It’s grown –Sean Carswell to keep themselves on the road. and evolved miles away from the original Up next was Toys That Kill. TTK is the movement. The bands aping the old heroes This column is dedicated to the demise of band I’ve seen play the most in the past five draw yawns. The bands finding new ways to one of my all-time favorite bookstores: years. Part of this has to do with the bands make high energy rock’n’roll etch the signs Confounded Books in Seattle. Thanks to that TTK bring to town and play with. I of good things to come. Brad Beshaw for the years he put into guess I have pretty similar tastes in music So, yes, it’s a little bit of optimism. A Confounded and all his hard work. I already with these guys. I have to thank them for show untouched by corporate culture. miss that place. bringing me shows with Dick Army, The Anthems for the young and disenfran- Knockout Pills, Shark Pants, Fleshies, The chised played in a way that they can’t be 31 AMERICAN REPORTER GREG PALAST HAS BROKEN SOME OF THE MOST IMPORTANT NEWS STORIES IN RECENT YEARS. HIS WORK REACHES A LARGE, GLOBAL AUDIENCE THROUGH THE BRITISH BROADCASTING CORPORATION (BBC), BUT CORPORATE-OWNED MEDIA OUTLETS IN THE UNITED STATES GENERALLY IGNORE HIM. IN 2004, PALAST TOLD RAZORCAKE READERS ABOUT HIS INVESTIGATIONS INTO POLITICAL AND CORPO- RATE CORRUPTION, ESPECIALLY HIS REPORT THAT IN 2000 GOVERNOR JEB BUSH (R., FLORIDA) PURGED TENS OF THOUSANDS OF BLACK AND DEMOCRATIC VOT- ERS FROM HIS STATE’S ELECTORAL ROLLS BY FALSELY LISTING THEM AS FELONS. THE VETERAN JOURNALIST NOW TELLS CHRIS PEPUS ABOUT SOME OF HIS OTHER DISCOVERIES, INCLUDING THE STORY BEHIND THE CALIFORNIA POWER CRISIS, THE 2003 RECALL ELECTION, AND GOVERNOR SCHWARZENEGGER’S ENERGY POLICY. PALAST ALSO TALKS ABOUT THE REASONS FOR THE IRAQ WAR, THE CAUSES OF HIGH GASOLINE PRICES, AND OTHER TOPICS COVERED IN HIS NEW BOOK, ARMED MADHOUSE.

INTERVIEW BY CHRIS PEPUS • ILLUSTRATION / DESIGN BY KEITH ROSSON AND TODD TAYLOR

Chris Pepus: In 2001, you wrote that energy companies the power market, President Clinton said that these people such as Enron deliberately created the California power cri- may not charge an unlimited amount above their actual costs sis. How did they do it? within the state of California. The result was that these guys Greg Palast: They gamed the system. I’ll give you an exam- pretended to buy the power from out of state. They would ple. Enron sold 500 megawatts of power to Southern send the juice out of state and then send it back across the California on one hot day. Now, they sold it over a line that border. It was just like any money-laundering operation, but could only handle 15 megawatts of power—if you pour 500 it was kilowatt laundering. megawatts of power into that line, it burns up. As soon as the The games were astonishing, but what’s really horrible engineers saw that, they realized the juice wasn’t coming in: is that you’ve got a guy like (former Enron chairman) Ken panic, freak-out, blackouts ready to roll in. So they say, “We Lay, who is not on trial for his real crimes. These were the have to get the power from somewhere else.” They will pay real crimes: wringing $9.6 billion out of California con- anything. The price of power jumps 10,000% in an hour— sumers’ pockets. That number comes to me from the 10,000%. And who’s there to sell it? It’s Enron, from anoth- California Power Association. This is the money that was er power plant of theirs. This is some of the gaming of the wrung out of California ratepayers in just six months of system, along with tricks like kilowatt laundering. When manipulation. Ken Lay is not on trial for that, and the reason

32 they finally started getting caught for fixing the casino called is that under federal law, the courts have to defer to the reg- ulatory agencies. The regulatory agency is called the Federal Energy They’re even better, because none of their guys have gone to the can yet. Regulatory Commission. Who is running the Federal Energy Regulatory These characters simply shut down some power plants in southern Commission? First there was a guy named (Patrick) Wood; now there is California and then they have power to send you from northern a guy named (Joseph) Kelliher. Who suggested that the top cop in elec- California when everyone goes into panic. There’s no great genius in this tricity should be Wood? The name is Ken Lay. You’ll see in my new stuff. It’s very simple. book, Armed Madhouse, I actually have the letter from “Kenny Boy” Pepus: Speaking of energy issues, what’s causing high gas prices? Lay to Little George, our president, first requesting that (Wood) be made Palast: Read the book, man. [laughs] head of the Texas utility commission when George W. Bush was gover- Pepus: It’s on its way here. nor, and then later Lay moved his Texas puppet up to the federal com- Palast: I have a whole chapter called “The Flow.” What’s happened is mission. So, in other words, Ken Lay has done it one better than Al that we have Team Cheney matching up with Team Abdullah (king of Capone. Capone used to have to buy the judges. Lay appointed them. If Saudi Arabia). Basically, we have a Houston-Saudi combine, which has Ken Lay goes down, it’s like Capone going down for not doing his taxes. decided to strengthen OPEC.i I was able to get my hands on a 323-page Ken Lay is charged with stock manipulation. Who do they care about? document from inside the U.S. State Department, which was the plan for They don’t care about the fact that the average California electricity cus- Iraq’s oil. It took two goddamn years to find this evil little document. It tomer was ripped off completely. It’s all about the guys who bought the was actually put together by James Baker, who is the lawyer for Exxon stock, the guys who are funding the con. and the Saudi Arabian government—and the lawyer for the Republican Pepus: How does Governor Schwarzenegger fit into all this? Party. So I was able to get this document. When I say “I” by the way, I Palast: Back in a hotel room in May of 2001—the Peninsula Hotel, do have a team. There Beverly Hills—Ken Lay and a muscleman named Arnie are eleven people who Schwarzenegger and a few other power pirates and movers and shakers do this work with me. got together. They had themselves a problem, because there was a We got this 323-page milquetoast governor of California named Gray Davis who suddenly document and, at its found his cajones and said, “I’m gonna bust these guys.” He started call- core, it was a plan to ing Ken Lay and his ilk “power pirates.” It’s not just Enron. You have to make sure that Iraq understand there was not just one pirate ship out there. We’re talking gets in line and Enron, Reliant, Texas Utilities, Dynegy, all these characters out of strengthens OPEC Houston. They all had these buildings, by the way, on one single corner or, as they said, of Houston. The governor said, “This has got to end.” (The state) started “enhances its rela- filing lawsuits, which would get around the fixed judges on the regula- tionship with tory commission. So they had to get rid of Gray Davis and, lo and OPEC.” The big behold, he was recalled and you ended up with the tinker-toy terminator. panic was that So Schwarzenegger comes in. The state of California was ripped off Saddam Hussein blind, and what does he do? He does exactly what Ken Lay was sug- was jerking the oil gesting that he do in that secret meeting in the Peninsula Hotel, which is markets up and to make an agreement with Enron and the other power pirates to let them down. A lot of my pay a nominal sum to settle these costs. They paid less than 20 cents on friends will be the dollar—what you’d tip a waitress. It was game over, except for stunned to find Enron, which, by declaring bankruptcy, paid nada back to the con- out what I found. sumers. So Mr. Tough Guy let these guys walk with about $8 billion in We did not go their pockets of California’s money. Now what’s even worse: the new into Iraq to get head of the federal agency was also picked by Ken Lay. Iraq’s oil. We Pepus: Now, what about the 1996 deregulation in California that pre- went into Iraq to ceded the power crisis? How did the new policy affect these events? make sure that Palast: Where do they come up with “deregulation”? It’s decriminaliza- we didn t get tion of electricity theft. We use this weird term, deregulation. People Iraq’s oil. The think, what is that? It’s a really academic term. It means that these pirates can charge you whatever they want. They’ve got you by the balls. There’s one line going into your house. They pretend that there is a market, but a few guys from the power companies literally sit around in hotel rooms and conspire to fix the price. It’s so easy to fix this so-called market. Pepus: What do you think are the chances of another power crisis in California? Palast: One hundred percent. They have to wait for the right political sit- uation. Remember, this is a political issue. It’s not about lack of power. When it goes dark, it’s because they did it on purpose. I do know that, for example, Reliant Corporation, which is one of the aliases of old Houston Power and Light—Ken Lay really has nothing on them. i Organization of Petroleum Exporting Countries, the group that fixes internation- al oil prices. Member nations include Saudi Arabia, Iran, and Iraq. last thing that the oil companies wanted, and Mr. Cheney wanted, was Shell Oil, Exxon, Conoco, etc.” So the ex-CEO of Shell flies into more oil in the market. Under Bill Clinton, oil was eighteen bucks a bar- Baghdad. His name is Philip Carroll. They sent him in a C-17 (transport rel, man. It was down on the floor and these guys out of Houston did not plane), like that’s how big he is. And he gets off the plane and he basi- like that one little bit. So, they have to shut off the spigots, and one of the cally tells Paul Bremer (Chief U.S. Administrator in Iraq after Gen. biggest spigots is in Iraq. I go through the history of the suppression of Garner was fired), “Cut the shit, baby.” Bremer was getting rid of the Iraq’s production by big oil. It’s a long, long history. Dick Cheney does not Ba’athists,iii but as far as Philip Carroll was concerned, he didn’t care if want people to fill up their Hummers cheaply. They’re not unhappy with the Ba’athists had killed Kurdishiv babies with their bare hands; they high oil prices. That may seem obvious to say, but someone’s got to say it. knew the oil industry. They had dealt with Shell Oil very well. So they Now, they had a plan to make sure that oil would stay nice and high. bring the Ba’athists back in and they get rid of all these plans for piec- That meant several things. One was that Iraq stays a good member of ing off the oil fields. Now, does that mean that big oil doesn’t want the OPEC—that was the main goal for James Baker and oil company exec- oil fields? No. The way big oil works, they get what are called “produc- utives. By the way, they had to defeat the neocon(servative)s,ii who real- tion-sharing agreements.” They let the Iraqis pretend that they own the ly did want to open up the oil spigots and bust Saudi Arabia. People think oil. They have agreements where they get the lion’s share of the take. that the neocons have power. No. Paul Wolfowitz (Deputy Secretary of There’s no bidding. You just cut your deal with Shell, with Exxon. The Defense, 2001-05), his ass was kicked out to the World Bank, where now plan was put into place to have technically state-owned oil, but with he gets to give loans to chicken farmers in Bangladesh. That’s a demo- these production-sharing agreements. tion for these guys. Neocons don’t have any authority any more in this George Bush is pleased with this system. He is happy with $3-a-gal- administration. It is definitely big oil. (“Neoconservative” is a term that lon gasoline. He’s happy that Exxon is earning ten billion a quarter. Now, refers to Republicans who support extensive use of military force to the American people are finally saying, “Why are we paying three bucks spread right-wing economic theory around the world. Many Bush a gallon for gas?” But we’re still getting the media hand-job on why administration officials, especially those in the Department of Defense, that’s happened. I saw the New York Times yesterday, front-page story, used to work for neoconservative think tanks in Washington. Paul saying that oil prices are high because of the oil-futures markets, specu- Wolfowitz was one of the leaders of the neocons and in 2002-03 he lators. Normally the New York Times doesn’t go after speculators. In fact, played a large role in the administration’s effort to build support in it’s a cover for the oil companies. No one is talking about King Abdullah Congress for an invasion of Iraq.) and OPEC. It’s like the Saudis are somehow victims. They’re earning a Pepus: Were there any oil company executives who supported the neo- billion bucks a day, and they’re selling oil for $75 a barrel and it costs $2 conservatives’ plan to privatize and sell off Iraqi oil resources? a barrel to lift out of the sand. Palast: No. The neocons had this grand plan. Oil fields were just one of Pepus: Getting back to Cheney and Bush, what role did the two of them the assets of Iraq. They were going to sell off all of Iraq’s banks, all of play in this battle between the neocons and big oil? It seems that they Iraq’s electric systems—everything for sale. I also got my hands on that were for privatization and then they backed off it, or was it more cynical plan. It’s a 101-page document. By the way, please tell your readers: if than that? you’ve got an inside document, please send it to me. But we got this plan Palast: Yes, it’s so much more cynical than that. Dick Cheney is the that said we were going to sell off everything. I showed it to General Jay leader of the neocon faction and he’s the leader of their hated nemesis, Garner (formerly the Chief U.S. Administrator in Iraq). He said you can’t the oil faction. This is the most cynical fucking operation. It’s like put- sell off all of Iraq’s assets, because you will create an insurgency. He put ting spiders in a bottle and watching them eat each other. That’s what it in his very calm terms and said, “That’s just one fight you don’t want Cheney does. It’s just brilliant, because there are political advantages to to take on.” keeping these guys at each other’s throats. Now, both of these factions, Pepus: In one of your BBC reports, you mentioned that this privatiza- they don’t mind how much of your blood is spilled, how much of your tion plan actually fuelled the insurgency. Could you talk about that? bank account gets sucked dry. But it’s very important to Cheney that he Palast: Yes, one of the problems was that you had a big mouth named keeps them on their toes, because it keeps them beholden to him. He has Ibrahim Bahr al-Ulum, the son of a big-shot sheik. He was brought in as been manipulating both factions. But ultimately, big oil always wins. oil minister and he started shooting his mouth off about the plan for pri- Never bet against the Saudis and big oil. vatizing the oil fields. Suddenly you’ve got thousands of guys with Pepus: What are some of the other stories that you include in your new Kalashnikov (rifles) and semtex (explosives) saying, “Screw you.” You book, Armed Madhouse? have to understand, as one of the oil-industry guys said, “This big mouth Palast: Well, for instance, there’s the chapter I call “The Scheme to Steal forgot that Iraqis think of oil as Allah’s gift to Iraq.” You start talking ‘08.” I got this stat from the elections officials: in 2004, three million bal- about piecing it all out to your cronies and they’d rather blow you up first. lots were rejected, just chucked in the trash. So, I decided to go in and So that caused a blow-up but no one was more incensed about the look at whose ballots they were. In the swing state of New Mexico, 89% plan than big oil. Those guys started saying, “Wait a minute. You’re not of the rejected ballots were cast in minority precincts. I actually went to piecing all this stuff off to some of your cronies. This is the property of Native American reservations where there were precincts that showed no ii“Neoconservative” is a term originally used to refer to conservatives who had once Many Kurds would like to have their own country, and the Iraqi and Turkish gov- been liberals. Today, the word mainly refers to Republicans who support extensive ernments have resorted to massacres and other forms of repression to prevent that use of military force to spread right-wing economic theory around the world. from happening. Saddam Hussein’s troops killed tens of thousands of Kurds in 1988, a time at which Iraq was receiving foreign aid from the administration of iii The Ba’ath Party was Saddam Hussein’s political party. President Ronald Reagan. iv The Kurds are the largest ethnic group in northern Iraq and southeastern Turkey. votes for President of the United States. I said, “What’s with you injuns, you indecisive?” They said, “Look at the voting machines they give us!” It’s these voting machines that don’t record. The election officials know the machines are broken and they don’t fix them. That’s what happened in Ohio. They have lists and lists of bad machines, which they know will eat votes. Here is a number that should make you just fucking ill. The chance of your ballot being rejected for technical reasons is 900% higher if you’re Black than if you’re White in the United States of America. You do the arithmetic and you realize that most elections are decided by one- or two percent. That’s your margin. If you think it’s bad for Black peo- ple, Native Americans—I never really thought about the Native vote. I thought, how influential could that be? As it turns out, it’s huge. If you knock out 10-12% of the Native American vote, which is totally Democratic, it was the difference in who won New Mexico. Pepus: You’ve indicated that you expect more rejected votes in minority communities in 2008 than in ‘04. What sorts of evidence indicate that will be the case? Palast: Because people are going after the wrong stuff. They love it when people say, “Don’t put in new computer voting machines.” Now, we shouldn’t put in computer voting machines: the damn things cost 400% more than paper ballots with optical scanners and they have a higher vote-loss rate. So, it’s good to stop these computer machines, but that doesn’t solve our problem. That leaves the bad machines in place and they’re really bad. They’re eating minority votes. They love that no one’s doing anything about it. The Republicans are now on a huge campaign to require IDs. They’re mixing the war on terror, anti-immigrant stuff, and so-called voter reform. They’re demanding that people produce IDs to vote. They say, “Well, what’s wrong with that?” The answer is that there are 100 million voters in the United States, and do you know that I haven’t found a case of false use of identity for voting? There was this Republican from a rich suburb in New Mexico (state legislator Justine Fox Young). She said, “I have evidence, I have documents showing peo- ple using false ID to register and voting twice.” So I called her up and said: “Wow, you’ve got evidence? Fax it to me.” She never faxed it to me. So I said, “What happened?” She said, “The FBI is investigating.” I said, “They are? Really?! Give me the names of the agents.” So she gave me names. I called the Justice Department. I said, “You found cases of vot- ers voting twice?” They said, “Well, there are many things we are inves- tigating.” I said, “In other words, you don’t even have a case. You’re not investigating this.” They said, “Well, um, that’s right.” She just fucking made it up! I talked to the guy in charge of the Catholic Church’s voter drive. He said: “You know what they were doing? They were using the voter ID game to knock out Hispanic voters.” It’s very easy. It’s just like the old Jim Crow thing. They only stop Hispanic voters. If someone is named Jorge Rodriguez, they say: “Your driver’s license says ‘Jorge Rodriguez’ but your voter registration says ‘Jorge M. Rodriguez.’ You can’t vote.” Armed Madhouse includes many other dispatches from the front lines of the And there’s nothing that these people can do to recover their votes. What class war, as Palast puts it. Some key topics are the plan to privatize Social happens is their votes get challenged and they get what’s called a “provi- Security and the consequences of the President s education policies for poor sional ballot” and it’s just tossed away, or they get removed from the children. There is also an interesting discussion of the Bush administration s voter rolls. See, if you’re removed from the voter rolls, even if it was use of private companies to carry out its program of spying on U.S. citizens. done illegally, all you can get is your registration back. You don’t get The core of Palast s reporting is his sharp focus on the connections between your vote back. That’s the trick. After the election, they always fix it— big business and its supporters in government. This book reveals those links until the next election. to an alarming degree.

For much more information, visit: www.gregpalast.com A few years ago, Ken Sanderson of Prank Records put on the first Prankfest in Atlanta. It was so fun and so successful that it became an annual thing. The following year it was held here in Austin, TX, and along with Ken, was organized by Austin’s punk scene king, Timmy Hefner. Eventually, Ken and Prank Records dropped out of the picture and this fest became known as Chaos In Tejas, although some peo- ple still called it Prankfest, some people called it Timmyfest, and by now most people are referring to it as Rikkifest, in honor of Rikki, a Portland trans- plant who has made our city even more fun, if you can believe that. Last year I was out of town for Chaos In Tejas, and was really bummed out on missing it, so this year I made sure I was in Austin for the festivities. Fuck South By Southwest. If you really wanna get a good feel for what the punk scene here in Austin is like, you need to come to Rikkifest. I sweet-talked my co-workers into letting me ditch out early, but by the time I got to the show I had already missed the first two bands. Luckily, they were both local bands; the tough-guy hardcore of Iron Age, fol- lowed by the tight, Black Flaggy punk of Army Of Jesus. When I finally made it into Emo’s, Chicago’s Pedestrians were just starting their second song. They played a scorching set of ‘80s-influenced hardcore, and by the time they finished their set the club had filled to capacity. Next up was Sweden’s Victims, raging all over the place as Emo’s became a stinky, seething mass of bullet belts and spikes. After they were done, the infamous Limp Wrist took the stage and blew everyone away with their super-tight, super-aggressive set of hardcore songs about being gay and straightedge. It was really cool and inspiring to see a crowd of tough dudes all taking their shirts off and just straight-up admitting that a mosh pit is pret- ty gay. Limp Wrist frontman Martin gave an appropriate introduction to the next band. “We’re so happy to be here playing with the Dicks. We love dicks.” Sure enough, Austin’s legendary Dicks finished out the night. While it was cool that such an old, famous band got to play this festival of music that they themselves had influenced the progression of; it still was basically a bunch of old dudes just kinda dicking around on the stage. It looked like a bunch of people’s dads standing around in a backyard.

2:30 AM, and the Emo’s show lets out, but the fest was far from over. Within a few min- utes, all the punks stumbled over to the east side for an after-party at 423 Tillery, a new all- ages DIY warehouse space for a couple more bands. First up was the final performance of Modern Needs, a local trio that, while remaining pretty low-profile for their one WRITTEN by Ben Snakepit CAREER SUICIDE year of existence, managed to play melodic PHOTOS by Jack Barfield (except where noted) female-fronted punk, which is something we LAYOUT by Keith Rosson and Todd Taylor don’t have much of here in the way of local bands. It was sad to see them play a final show (their frontwoman Sarah is moving to New York) but still a good time, and THURSDAY, MAY 18 Tillery was packed more full of people than I had ever seen, just in time for Toronto’s Fucked Up to play a set of mostly covers. It got way too hot inside The city began to buzz with punkness as, slowly but surely, kids began the show, so I goofed around in the parking lot with my friends, smoking to trickle in from the airport, Greyhound station, and even the train yards. weed and drinking beer (two big no-no’s to do outside of the Tillery) until I went to Tamale House to meet up with some Canadian friends, and the show was over, then I hopped on my bike and cruised over to Zack’s coincidentally ran into some Portland friends. After a hearty breakfast of house, for the after-after party. The keg was tapped at 5:00 AM. Holy fuck. migas with cheese, a whole mess of us caravanned down to Barton Zack plays guitar in World Burns To Death, who were supposed to play one Springs, Austin’s swimmin’ hole on Town Lake (known to non- of the shows on this fest, but had to cancel ‘cause their drummer hadn’t suf- Austinites as the Colorado River). We jumped in a canoe and paddled out ficiently healed from his vasectomy (true story). By 7:00 AM the keg was to see some kids jumping off the Lamar Street pedestrian bridge, at least floated and so was I. Besides, I had to be at work in just two hours! a two-story drop. More and more punks began showing up at the river, and I knew this was gonna be a fun weekend. FRIDAY, MAY 19TH Unfortunately, there are some things you just don’t have any control over. A perfect example is that I had to work on the first night of the fest. After a hangovery, un-good time at work, I managed to duck out early again and meet up with some friends down at Barton Springs. The place 37 TRAGEDY result, and they all just seemed a little too tired. By the time they were done, everyone was ready for Portland super- group Criminal Damage to take the stage. Everyone had pitched them to me as an oi band, but they weren’t really that oi. They definitely had a street punk thing going on, but after all the hype I was expecting them to sound like Blitz, so I was a little disappointed. No worries though, because the next band up were Fort Worth’s Marked Men, who, while they didn’t exactly fit with the other bands playing the fest, were a refresh- ing drink of water after the endless barrage of bullet belts and Amebix patches. They played a good, solid set, all the while, Bayonettes guitarist Mark Pesci was onstage dancing like a madman, having the time of his life. The Marked Men guys dedicated a song to him, during which he did a wicked stage dive into the waiting arms of…nobody. He landed smack-dab on the concrete floor, head first. When he didn’t get up after a few minutes, his friends and bandmates rushed to his side. He wasn’t moving. The band stopped playing. 911 was called. The fest had suddenly photo by Matt Jasek taken a somber turn for the worst. As para- PEDESTRIANS medics rushed Mark off to the hospital, the Marked Men wished him well, and played a few more songs, but the momentum had died out and everyone was a little too freaked out to really enjoy them. Career Suicide were up next, with their work cut out for them, following a set like that. They gave it their best, and while they were well received, they didn’t really do much for me. Up next were the Austin/Portland super- group Severed Head Of State. They kinda dressed down for the occasion—not nearly as many spikes as they usually brandished—but they still rocked. They started their set with the song “Not Fucking Dead,” a little tip of the hat to the recovery of their singer, Jack Control. (In case you didn’t know, Jack had been stabbed a few months earlier by some hobo punk outside after a J Church show. J Church draws a pretty rough crowd, I guess.) They played a blistering set of hardcore punk, and by the time they were done, everyone had forgotten about the near-tragedy of a few bands before. Everyone was in a great mood, because the next and final band for Emo’s that night was the one and only Dead Moon. One great thing about this band is the way they can unite all the punks. There were tri- was totally overrun with punk rockers, paddling around in canoes, jump- hawked fashion-plate street punks arm in arm with dirty trainhopper ing off the Lamar Street bridge, and just generally fucking shit up on the punks and horn-rimmed indie rockers dancing with dreadlocked bike Colorado River. Before long, it was time to head back to Emo’s to get hippies. It was beautiful. Just before they played, like right after the day two underway. The night started with the traditional d-beat sounds soundguy killed the house PA music and told the band they could start, I of Bastard Sons Of The Apocalypse, or BSA if you’re in the know. They saw Fred and Toody—the long-time driving force behind Dead Moon— were followed by local peace punks Signal Lost. All the members of give each other a little kiss and it brought tears to my eyes. Their set was Signal Lost had some kinda part in organizing or accommodating visi- beautiful and perfect. I think they played two encores, but I don’t know tors for the fest, and they were a little weary. Their set suffered as a for sure because after the first one I had to jump on my bike and head over to 423 Tillery for the next show. good as Tragedy. First up was Night Of Rage, a Filth tribute band in which Jake Filth As soon as they were done, everyone migrated over to the Lamar is actually the singer. They were followed by a second set from Limp Street pedestrian bridge, which in the past few years has become a some- Wrist, this one even sweatier and manlier than the previous night’s. As what legendary place for Austin punk shows. This might’ve been the the keg dwindled and the bands finished up, it was time to move on to biggest bridge show I’d ever been to. Fucked Up, Career Suicide, and the next party, once again at Zack’s house. The keg was tapped at 5:00 Look Back And Laugh all played sets to the crowd of about two hundred AM and Japanese hardcore monsters Warhead and Forward played in the wasted punk rockers. It was rad fun, with naked kids in the pit, tall bikes living room as the sun came up. I somehow ended up at home, but I have whizzing by, and lots and lots of beer. By 4:00 AM I’d had enough; the no idea how. weekend had totally drained me. I wandered home to find a few of my roommates and friends still partying on the back porch, the last few diehards, still trying to drink one more beer or do one more bump. It was SATURDAY, MAY 20TH a great ending to a great weekend. I’ll have to do it again next year! If the river today was any indication, the fest was beginning to wear everyone a little thin. All the punks were swimming again, but everyone seemed to be talking and laughing and splashing around through a dirty, hangovery haze, but you can’t keep a good punk down. As everyone began to slowly filter into Emo’s for the last official show of the fest, local kids Manikin warmed everyone up with a chilled-out set of their Joy Division-inspired space rock. It was a nice way to get my ears acclimated to the punishment they would soon receive. Next up were Austin’s Krum Bums, blasting through their Exploited-worshipping bondage pant punk songs, proud of the fact that there were more mohawks onstage than band members. When they were done, the real surprise of the night—and maybe the whole fest—Toronto’s Bayonettes took the stage and completely commanded Emo’s. Their set of sassy poppy garage rock was just what I needed after all the tough-guy posturing of the weekend. Frontwoman Zoe jumped down into the crowd and danced around with everyone, and for a few minutes everyone for- got about how many belts they had on, what brand of hair dye they used, how much coke they could score, and just enjoyed themselves. The Bayonettes were, hands down, my favorite band of the entire fest. They left me with a hanker- ing for more fun music. Unfortunately, the next band, Oakland’s Look Back And Laugh SEVERED HEAD OF STATE were not what I was craving. They weren’t bad at what they did (classic fastcore type straight- edgy thrash) but I just wasn’t in the mood for anymore tough guy screaming (ironic, since their singer was a woman). Not even the solid set by Toronto’s Fucked Up could set me straight, although they, too, played a fantastic set of pissed off Black Flaggy hardcore. Next up were the Japanese—the same two bands that had played the night before at Zack’s house. Warhead had partied too hard the night before and it showed. They played a mediocre, tired show (compared to the previous night’s performance) that seemed to drag on and on for- ever. Thankfully, their fellow countrymen Forward more than made up for it, with a rad bunch of fast, thoughtful hardcore songs. Forward are one of my favorite current Japanese hardcore bands, and they didn’t disappoint. Finally, the Emo’s part of the fest culminated in a set from Tragedy, the biggest thing to come out of Portland since sliced bread. They complete- ly slayed, and made me understand why so many bands try to sound like them. Luckily, this was the real deal and it was awesome. Dark, powerful, and heavy, I have yet to hear another hardcore band as 39 The idea of dressing like Church of Latter Day Saints mission- Amy: When did you sprain your ankle? aries serves two purposes for the Mormons, the band. For one, Patrick: Um, I think the first or second song. it’s pretty damn funny to see Mormon missionaries rocking their Amy: And you played the rest of the set. asses off. And two, it’s a big fuck you to the idea of rock stars Patrick: Yeah, I won’t really feel it until probably tomorrow. It’s gonna be pretty bad. dressing or looking a certain way: the “fashion show.” It can Amy: Is it swollen? have its drawbacks, like how everybody assumes they really Patrick: Yeah. are Mormons, or when they’re accused of religious intolerance. Gus: Can we see it? But beyond their use of certain imagery and the analogy of [Patrick pulls up his pant leg to show his ankle, now swollen like a rock bands also being on a mission, the Mormons, the band, good-sized orange.] aren’t about religion at all. Well, not directly. Gus: Wow. Amy: What’s the most physically detrimental thing you’ve done to Throughout human history, there have been some among us yourself during a show? who were able to enter into an ecstatic state of higher con- Patrick: The first time I ever sprained my ankle, I think I fractured something, and I never went to a hospital. I had a fucked up ankle for sciousness, a trance, if you will. Among shamanistic cultures, a few months. It healed up, but now I’ll sprain it just from walking which are reckoned as being the oldest religious traditions down the street. among humans on earth, these people were revered as spiri- Gus: How many of you are current or former members of the Church tual communicators, the direct link between you, the lowly of Latter Day Saints? hunter-gatherer, and the unknowable beyond. The idea of this Vince: None of us. state of ecstasy has been present in most religions since. Patrick: Zero. Gus: So why “The Mormons?” Patrick: It started out as just an image, just kind of a funny idea that This brings us to lead singer Patrick. Twisting, writhing, flopping grew into a concept. Basically, we’re just trying to rock out correct- about as Devo-inspired guitars scream and drums resound. He ly, and so we try to break down barriers of playing on stage, that sort flails and yells. Although the Mormons (the band) aren’t about of image, all that kind of stuff. We’re not really focusing on anything religion, Patrick seems to channel the energy of the universe in particular. every time he takes the stage. Part holy man, part demon. It’s Gus: What exactly is “rocking out correctly”? never boring, and can be quite injurious, both to anybody in his Patrick: We don’t know exactly. But we try to do it every night. We immediate vicinity or himself. Usually himself. try to rock out correctly, because that’s our mission. As Mormons, that’s our mission. Gus: If the passion of playing shows and being in a band is equal to Patrick—vocals what is felt by religious missionaries, as you have said, would you Vince—guitars and vocals guys be willing to declare a jihad on anybody? Louie—guitars Vince: We declare a jihad on lame music and the fashion show. Amy: What constitutes lame music? Vince: Sameness. A lot of bands copy each other. Patrick: They’re following a structure. Vince: And you know when you make a copy of a copy, and then copy that copy and make another copy from that copy? It gets a little blotchy. Amy: What’s an example of that band? yourself. We do things in a pure kinda way, if possible, without any Vince: I’m not gonna name bands or anything because I feel that kinda shit attached. being in a band is hard enough so we try not to rag on any other Gus: Would you describe your performance as a form of religious bands. But if you live in L.A. and you see what goes on in L.A., you ecstasy? see all the same kinds of bands, who look the same, who have the Patrick: That, mixed with satire. At times, it’s mocking the average same Beck haircut. It’s more like a fashion show. We’re just more stage performer, and at times when it’s done correctly, is when I get into the music than the actual image. We wear the Mormons uniform out of that and I don’t care. It’s just a part of the music and everything to kind of neutralize that. is flowing. Gus: So would you be willing to suicide bomb MTV or something Gus: Polygamy: sexy? Not sexy? like that? Vince: You know what? It’s a hassle. Because it’s hard enough to be Patrick: Maybe ourselves. At the end of our show, we’ll blow our- with one woman. I’ve seen this TV show that’s on HBO now and this selves up one day. poor guy has to deal with three female personalities. Louie: But that bomb is rock music. Louie: Three wives. Gus: So, it’s a figurative bomb. Vince: Yeah. It’s hard enough being with one broad and now you Vince: We’re takin’ everybody with us. gotta deal with three. Patrick: The idea is not to take shit so seriously and still have a good Amy: Why’re you looking at me? What the fuck? I ain’t married to time. To not get caught up on the meanings of things and to just be you! church because he listened to Slayer. Patrick: That’s where it falls into satirizing the structure of rock- ’n’roll bands, to get out of that and bringing it forward. That’s what we started out as. Gus: So you’re anti-Black Sabbath? Patrick: Right, exactly. Gus: If we were to take this to the logical extreme, considering music a religion, who do you consider to be the great Satan of music these days? Satan being a bad thing. Vince: The great Satan would probably be the record industry. Gus: As a whole? Vince: Well, not lately because the record industry is changing and a lot of the bigger labels are losing a lot of money because of the internet and digital technology. Now anybody could make a song and have it sound just as good as something you might hear on the radio. Patrick: The big Satan in rock’n’roll could be anybody. It’s us as times. It’s how you look at things. Amy: Why have there been so many lineup changes? Vince: It’s really hard. You’ve got several different personalities and it’s a balance, it’s like spinning plates. It’s a common thing for people to leave. In fact, Louie left and then he came back. We just got a new drummer, Johnny. When we lost our drummer, Ryan, Joey stepped in. We’ve had about seven or eight lineup changes since we started in August of ‘98. But it’s remained consistent, in the sound and overall energy. Gus: How’s Ryan doing? Joey: He’s doing very well and he’s itching to play some music. When you’re in a band with people, it’s like a relationship. It’s hard losing people, you miss them, but sometimes things just don’t work out. Amy: Was it because Ryan was white? Patrick: Yeah, I’m the only white guy left. Louie: He’s gonna be the next one. He just doesn’t know it yet. [laughter] Patrick: I’m just infiltrating the rock en español scene. Vince: But, really, this band doesn’t have anything to do with the Amy: Does being Latino affect your music at all? religion. We don’t talk shit on anybody’s religion or beliefs. Patrick: Why would it? Anybody can believe whatever they want. The problem is that we Vince: I don’t think it has anything to do with it. Music is such a all fight each other based on… common, universal thing. Everybody likes music, no matter what Patrick: Because we think that’s what we should do. “This is type it is. That’s how we can relate to people. good” and “This is bad” is based on what someone tells us it is. Gus: In your experience, have you known real Mormons? Vince: Religion is a really touchy subject because it has a lot to do Patrick: Most of them that come up to us are really positive… with faith. No one really knows what happens after you die or Gus: I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to interrupt. Are Mormon girls what the point of being here is. So people try to put a storyline to kinda slutty? it and tie their beliefs to that. Our religion is to create music and Patrick: I don’t think we’ve met too many Mormon girls, or too enjoy life. That’s as far as we go with the religion. A lot of people many girls in general. get confused when they see Mormons on there (postings, flyers), Vince: No, you don’t want to say that. We meet a lot of girls. The they think that we must be Mormons. girls are just crazy about us. We don’t know why. Patrick: That’s the idea: to challenge to get past this basic Amy: It must be the uniform. imagery that you think this is how it’s supposed to be. Vince: Must be the uniform, which is another reason why we Gus: When you say “religious imagery,” you’re actually tran- wear it. scending religious thought. Gus: What’s the worst show the Mormons have ever played? Patrick: That’s the idea, but it doesn’t always work. It’s like going Vince: That would probably be one of the ones where we fought to a show and seeing a band and thinking, “This is a way a band onstage. One of them. There have been a few of those. should look. I should like them because they look the right way.” Amy: What does that entail? When you fight onstage? It’s hard to get past that. That’s the main thing for me: to come up Vince: That’s going back to the other question about maintaining with something ridiculous that has nothing to do with anything to a band and keeping everyone together. Personalities are gonna hopefully get past all that shit. clash. We went on a full U.S. tour last summer, and being togeth- Vince: So we’re not trying to cap on anybody. We’re just trying to er for thirty days with the same group of people. We were out with play music and it’s a surreal kinda thing to see Mormons playing another group called 8-Bit; that’s about eleven people together. rock music. It contradicts itself because the Mormon religion is We’re gonna get on each other’s nerves and have arguments. It’s known as being straight-laced and conservative. In fact, we ran just like any other relationship, and it actually makes us stronger into one guy who was Mormon who said he got kicked out of the if it doesn’t kill us. I can’t tell you what shows. In the last eight years, we’ve probably played over three hundred shows, and those Vince: I’m a big fan of theirs. We’ve had one of the best times out are the ones that stand out in my mind where someone is just irri- on the road with Ninja Academy. They’re one of the best bands tated with somebody and it just escalates. I’ve seen in a long time, and I’m not just saying that because we’re Amy: Do you stop playing? on tour with them. Vince: No. That’s the one thing we don’t do. We always play Amy: Where are they from? through our shows, even when we’re fighting in the middle of Vince: They’re from L.A. We’re all part of the same circle it. But that’s not all the time. Two or three out of three hundred of bands. isn’t that bad. No matter if there’s two people in the crowd or Patrick: There’s like a weird scene of costume bands that don’t fit 250 people in the crowd, we always give our best effort and anywhere and just try to have a good time. enjoy ourselves. Vince: There is a weird circle of costume bands, if you wanna call Gus: What’s next for the Mormons? them costume. I don’t want to cheapen it by saying that. There’s Vince: We’re going to record a new album really soon. We’re 8-Bit. They’re robot rappers. There’s The Bolines from Long working on new material and we just got through with this week- Beach and they dress like scientists. And the Ninjas. long tour with Ninja Academy. That’s what we’re in the middle of Patrick: And The Leeches. right now and we’re not thinking of anything else except driving Vince: They’re just really good bands and it goes beyond a cos- home after this. We’re planning a full U.S. tour and we’re playing tume thing. Of course, initially, when people see grown men at the Rose Bowl with some really big rock en español bands. dressed in costume playing music, they’re just going to see the Amy: How’d you get invited to do that? costume at first. But afterwards, if the music is good enough it’s Vince: Our drummer Johnny, his girlfriend works with LATV and going to supersede that whole visual factor, and the whole visual she hooked it up. is just going to become part of the fun. Amy: Did you get invited to play because most of ya’ll are Latino? Gus: Where does Slipknot fit into that whole thing? Patrick: We’re thinking that may be the case. Vince: Slipknot figures into…a band that I don’t even know. Gus: Why you always gotta be making everything a racial thing? Gus: I think they wear masks and shit. Amy: Dude, they brought it up! They’re playing a rock en Vince: Also, a slipknot is a knot. español fest! Gus: You were a boy scout at one time, were you not? Vince: Well, that’s true. The truth of the matter is that four out of Vince: The preliminary knot in my shoelace tying is a slipknot, five of us are of Latin heritage. I grew up in a Mexican-American and then I use a bow to tie it down. household and that’s the only thing I’ve ever known. Patrick: I live in a Mexican-American neighborhood, so I’m kinda associated. Vince: We didn’t make Patrick renounce his whiteness. Gus: How has tour been with Ninja Academy? Dan Sartain takes the most feral music of the past five decades—rockabilly, garage punk, hillbilly, blues—and strips it down with a 1950s greaser sensibility and stark min- imalism, frequently accompanying himself with only his own crackling, distorted gui- tar. His 2003 breakthrough album, Dan Sartain vs the Serpientes, plays like an alter- nately brooding and raucous aural tour through the trailer parks and jukebox joints of his native Birmingham, Alabama. And this protégée of former Rocket From The Crypt front man John Reis is still only a doe-eyed twenty-four-year-old. I caught up with Sartain when he was in London recording his follow-up LP at Toe Rag Studios. The new album sounds intriguing—Sartain drops points of reference such as Gene Vincent, Phil Spector and Alice Cooper.

Interview and photos by Graham Russell Art by Julia Smut

Graham: Tell me about the admit that Jackson Brown is okay. I don’t see that happening! Maybe music you grew up listening to in my kids will be into Jackson Browne when they’re rebelling against Birmingham, Alabama. I’m me! (Rockabilly remains an essential touchstone for Sartain. At his gig, assuming it was country and after our interview, he opened his set by tearing through Rufus western? Thomas’s “Tiger Man” from 1953.) Dan: I think Dad graduated Graham: And there was the influence of your older brother’s taste. high school about ‘71 or ‘72, so Dan: Definitely. He was the classic cool older brother. We grew up in that’ll put the age of my parents the ‘80s. He’s thirty-two now and I’m twenty-four, so there’s a little bit kind of in a little more perspec- of an age difference there. He was into cock rock spandex metal bands, tive if you do some math. They and he liked Prince and Michael Jackson. Eighties guys. Well, Prince were really into Crosby, Stills spans the realm of anybody, I think! He was into that stuff, and then he and Nash, Jackson Browne, Neil eventually got into The Cure. The Cure was kind of the gateway into Young. I like Neil Young. They good music. The Cure led him into Sonic Youth. He had good musical were into Alice Cooper. My par- taste. When I was a little kid and listening to MC Hammer he’d be the ents turned me onto Alice one to be like, “Here’s a copy of Daydream Nation,” or something like Cooper! It’s cool, you know! that. He went into the Navy and they stationed him in San Diego for a Most people would listen to Alice while. He picked up on the local stuff happening there in ‘91, ‘92, ’93, Cooper to piss their parents off! when everybody was looking at San Diego as the next Seattle, which My parents were like, this guy is kind of didn’t pan out. There were a lot of good bands and a scene there. good—watch this video! He’s like He turned me on to Rocket From The Crypt. That was the band I loved chopping his head off and shit. So out of there. I liked all of ‘em. It was cool to have these 45s and CDs of not too much country and western, these bands your friends didn’t know from San Diego. It turned into a but it’s definitely in the family. lifelong love affair with the San Diego music and those guys, and I Country and western was their par- wound up giving a demo to ‘em and they liked it. And it’s cool, man. It ents’ music. So, for them, listening to worked out! (Sartain means he gave his demo to Rocket From The Crosby, Stills and Nash and Jackson Crypt/Hot Snakes leader John Reis, who snapped him up for his Swami Brown was like rebelling against Hank record label and released Dan Sartain Vs the Serpientes.) Williams and shit like that. So when I got Graham: What about Rocket From The Crypt appealed to you in particular? into my teenage years, what better way to Dan: What was the thing that hit right before them? It was the rebel against your hippie parents than Nirvana/Seattle, wear whatever you want, scruffy flannel and shit. That become a greaser! So I got obsessed with all shit ended after a while and it was fun and I was real young and impres- that shit. Got into rockabilly stuff. By that point sionable when that stuff came along, and Rocket From The Crypt was my parents didn’t have anything to prove to anyone. They did- pretty much the complete opposite. All their songs were tight, they had n’t have to be cool to their friends in high school and they weren’t their act down, and they looked good. They had their shit down to a T. rebelling against anything and I kind of turned them onto Johnny Cash Graham: Their sense of showmanship. and Hank Williams and Leadbelly, so it was kind of a reverse thing. Dan: They were definitely showmen. Before them all the bands I used They were like, “Okay, that stuff’s good.” Maybe when I’m forty I’ll to see stared at their goddamned shoes and mumbled all the time. They

44 were on the money, man—they were way over a lot of folks’ heads at Bands always fucking break up. Except the time. It seemed like they were almost a little scared about being too The Stones, I guess. “Why do I want to successful. Keeping it real or keeping it punk or whatever. ditch up all these songs that I just wrote, Graham: You started performing at age thirteen or fourteen. What kind just because this other asshole isn’t of material were you performing at that age? playing drums anymore? Fuck it, I’ll Dan: I was playing a lot of different shit. It wasn’t whatever was in the just go out and say I’m Dan Sartain.” Top 40, but it was stuff to please a crowd. Whatever had that three- I bought a 4-track and I’m recording chord ‘50s pattern: a lot of Elvis, a lot of Buddy Holly. Little Richard. the drums and the bass and every- Chuck Berry. The classics. They all had the same chord pattern—it was thing now, so I might as well just just a difference in delivery. I kind of adopted those chord patterns and say it’s me and get different people started writing my own stupid, silly songs! Then I eventually started in. It’s not successful, by any playing a bunch of minor chords and playing them faster and faster, means, as a way of sustaining life getting more confident. And it turned into my style. in a normal fashion, but I think it’s Graham: And you already had your quiff? successful enough that I can invite Dan: Yeah, man it was way bigger then, I’ll tell you that much! I my friends to come and play in a wouldn’t step out of my room without a big pompadour! band with me. I’m predicting Graham: Before becoming a solo artist, you were in punk bands as a pretty soon it’ll be Dan Sartain teenager. What were your early punk bands like? and The Wailers or whatever. Dan: [Dismissive] They were nothing nobody had ever heard of. They [Speculates on potential band weren’t all good—not all of my bands were good. I really liked the names.] Dan Sartain and the band X. The reason I became a solo artist is because bands always Jumping Jets or some bullshit! break up, man. And most of the bands I was in, with the exception of a Graham: Your first two records few, I was the primary songwriter, I was the one calling everybody to get practice together, providing the practice space, pro- viding the songs, and I was the one who was really into it. “We’ve got to save our money and buy these outfits!” Shit like that. Then the band would break up. They’d always break up. (Dan Sartain & the Crimson Guard and Romance in Stereo.) cobra is kind of powerful and authoritative but the leech is kind These records (featured great song titles like “Boxcutter in My of the underbelly…you’ve got people above you who are kick- Boot”) were totally DIY, self-financed and released on your own ing you down and keeping you down and got their boot on your label. How did you find doing it that way? neck, but then you got people under you saying, “Gimme what Dan: I never thought of it as a label. I didn’t have any intentions you got. I want what you got,” pulling and tugging. That’s what of putting out anybody else’s stuff. I just put them out and Cusd’anato taught Mike Tyson. they were what they were. Sometimes I think it was funner Graham: Is there much of a scene in Birmingham, and how do like that. you fit into it? Graham: Is there less hassle now with someone else Dan: As soon as you say you’re from Birmingham, people think paying for you to record and putting it out for you? you live on a dirt road in a cotton field…there’s a preconceived Dan: It’s still a hassle. Sometimes I can light a fire notion there’s going to be a rootsy or bluesy feel to it. But then under somebody’s ass and they’ll get real excited those people find out I grew up on Sonic Youth and Nirvana that about it and offer to do stuff like that, but most of illusion’s going to kind of go away. Yeah, I got my friends there the time I still wind up recording it by myself. but there’s some haters and they’re growing. Biggie or Tupac Ideally, if I make any money this year, I’ll have said you’re nobody ‘til somebody hates you! There’s way more my own shit. That’s my dream: to have my own talented musicians in town than me, but there’s a huge fucking shit and be able to record my own stuff instead of difference between talent and soul. Leadbelly probably didn’t driving all over God’s creation to get your friend actually have much musical talent, and then you got some guy to lay down the drum track or some shit, you can like Steve Vai. He’s got more talent in his pinky finger than I’ve come to my house! I want to be able to have the got in my whole fucking body, but I wouldn’t sit at one of his stuff to make a song, make the song into a CD, shows for nothing, man! I wouldn’t watch his ass! He’s lame. As

and that’s a dream come true. I don’t need any- far as the Birmingham scene goes…the problem with thing else. Some weed. Some cigarettes. [laughs] Birmingham is there is a lot of shows. You can go out pretty A car. A jacuzzi. much any night of the week and see a band and be entertained. Graham: You financed the early records with day It’s like Detroit had their sound. New York had their sound. jobs like working as a gas station attendant, barber, London has their sound. San Francisco had their thing at one and construction worker. Are those days behind you? point in time. Birmingham never had their thing. They never had Dan: [Adamant] I’m not going back to work. I’d something that was the Birmingham sound. The closest they had sooner become a bum and just live on the street than was Muscle Shoals. They recorded a lot of folks. It’s not really go back to work. It’s just a dead end street for me. I’m anything that caught on. It’s very diverse. It’s definitely a city. really small, man. I can’t work these manual labor jobs. You can definitely go out and see bands and meet hipsters. But it There’s guys been there ten, fifteen, twenty years and doesn’t have its thing. they’re going to be cynical assholes and they ain’t going to Graham: It’s funny reading the comparisons to Johnny Cash like the new guy. I don’t have a skill except for music. I’m you’ve been getting. My theory is that you don’t deliberately try to not going to be able to show up at their job and have them sound particularly 1950s or like Johnny Cash, but that your music respect me. They’re going to kick my ass from the first day I unconsciously taps into the spirit of Sun Studios in the 1950s. walk in there! Nah, I ain’t going back to work! Unless I could get Dan: I hope so, man. ‘Cause they did some of the best record- some hip job at a vintage clothing store or a record store or a ings ever out there. I fucking love Johnny Cash. I would marry a record label—some hipster job! Sure, I’d work that! But those picture of Johnny Cash. But I don’t want people to be disap- aren’t the jobs I’m getting offered. pointed; someone to tell their friend, “You’ve gotta go see this Graham: The song, “Leeches, Pt. 1” is so angry. Is it about any- guy because he sounds just like Johnny Cash,” ‘cause if they thing or anyone in particular? show up they’re going to be extremely disappointed! Johnny Dan: It’s got the same principle as the “Cobras” thing. (Many of Cash did his thing and he did it great, but I can’t do it. It’s too the lyrics on Dan Sartain Vs the Serpientes are filled with animal much responsibility to feel comfortable with, to be quite honest. imagery, including a whole three-song conceptual section about Graham: You’re recording the new album in London with Liam cobras.) I wrote another Leeches song, which is going to be on Watson at Toe Rag Studios. the next record. It’s different: more up and jumping. Mike Tyson Dan: I sat down with Liam and we didn’t talk too much about had this manager called Cusd’anato who lived in Catskills, New what we would do if he and I worked together. We mostly just York and he got Mike out of Brooklyn and taught him how to sci- talked about records. You can tell if some guy has got it going on. entifically box. But this guy taught Mike Tyson there’s a lot of I would talk about a record and his eyes would light up a little bit. animals out there disguised as human beings and you’re not I said “Be Bop a Lula.” Just the beginning, when Gene Vincent intelligent enough to decipher them. That’s pretty much the same sings “Welllll…” it just sounds so fucking great. I said that, and thing the “Leeches” and the “Cobras” songs are about. There’s his eyes lit up and my eyes lit up. He said, “I can do that! I can do fucking animals out there disguised as human beings, man! The that!” I said, “If you can do that, you’re the guy I want.” We’re

46 going to do the same thing Gene Vincent did. I also fucking really would sound good on radio. If it sounds good on radio, that’s great! need an echo chamber, man! I got a big boner for Phil Spector last I want it to sound good on radio, but I don’t go out of my fucking year. I read a biography about him. I love Phil Spector, man. Free Phil way. It is a little weird. Spector! For real! He should be like 007: he needs a license to kill! If Graham: Up until now you’ve only had to please yourself. Phil Spector thinks you should be dead, he’s probably right! Dan: Exactly. If other people are pleased, it’s a bonus. The Graham: Lyrically, what are you going on about these days? White Stripes have got their act down and they’ve got it Dan: Dirty fiends and filthy whores! For real, man! Pretty much the perfectly—why do you need another White Stripes? same shit, just stating it better. Breaking shit down to where people Why do you need another Johnny Cash? Johnny Cash can understand it. Like Chuck Berry said, “I’m trying to sell songs was perfect as Johnny Cash. Why do you need a new to teenagers.” I’m going to sing a song about a fast car. All teenagers one? Everyone was looking for a new Nirvana. Why want a car. Well, if you haven’t been in love yet, you soon will be. do you need a new Nirvana? They were Nirvana If you have been in love then you can relate to it. And if you haven’t and they were good. When it comes down to it, and been, you’re going to be extremely curious about it, so I’m going to I’m in the studio in front of a microphone and sing about teenage love and dancing. So he was definitely catering playing my thing, I’m not thinking about those to his audience. You got to kind of break it down so everyone can fucking people. Ultimately, if somebody likes understand it. I sing a lot of songs about girls and experiences, but the record and wants to put it out, go for it. not just girls—I sing songs about dickhead guys I know. Graham: What is the significance of the (Sartain is clean-shaven when we meet. I admit to him I’m missing imagery on the cover of The Serpientes (which his supremely sleazy signature moustache, the kind that looks like shows Sartain with a noose around his neck)? it’s drawn on with an eyeliner pencil). Dan: It’s about Alice Cooper, man. And I saw Dan: They come and go. Moustaches are kind of flavor savers, you some pictures of James Dean and he did that. know what I mean? I smoke a lot of cigarettes. If I keep a moustache He looked really cool. I took these pictures, for more than a couple of months it starts to retain flavor. It’s really and I actually did have to hang myself for nasty. Have you ever looked at an old man who’s completely white five, ten seconds while my friend went click haired and has a beard, but the bottom of his moustache is brown? click click, then I put my toes back on the They’re kind of like pets! They’re going to die and you’ve got to get stairs. But they cut my fucking feet off the a new one. You can tell when you’ve got a dead moustache on your album cover, so you couldn’t see that I was face. When you’ve got a new moustache it’s pretty lively and looks actually hanging! So I did all that shit for good and it’s all shiny and you’re happy about it, but your moustache nothing! I guess my neck got real stretched dies after a while like a Chia pet and you gotta get a new one. out. When my mother saw ‘em (those photos) Graham: Was it a tribute to Little Richard? she was horrified. But on the next album Dan: Mine came out looking more like Little Richard, but I was cover I’m blowing my brains out! looking at Chuck Berry, too, man. Graham: You’re disturbed. Graham: And John Waters. Dan: I’m not into self-mutilation or anything Dan: I guess it’s ‘cause I’m white I end up looking a lot like John like that. I don’t cut my arms or anything. Ever Waters. My girlfriend is crazy about John Waters, but I don’t think since I’ve seen Alice Cooper do it—killing she sexually desires John Waters. yourself on stage, that’s so fucking cool, man! Graham: The article about you in NME said you sleep in a coffin. Was that a joke? Dan: Yeah, it was totally a joke! Judy (his U.K. publicist), when we www.myspace.com/dansartain first started working together, she asked me to shoot her an email and tell her what I’m like. So I put that I sleep in a coffin. Graham: And the journalist took it literally? Dan: Yeah! And the photographer showed up at the house and asked, “Where is your coffin?” I don’t have a fucking coffin! Graham: In the same article it says you suffer from agoraphobia. How do you reconcile that with touring and travelling? Dan: I’m a self-imposed agoraphobic: a wannabe agoraphobic. I want to sit around all day. Masturbate about twenty times. Smoke about five blunts. Watch movies all day and not do shit. I want to be agoraphobic. But I do feel like I don’t want to go outside sometimes. Self-imposed rainy days sometimes, I guess. It’s not any kind of Kurt Cobain/Last Days-type thing where you don’t want to see any- one and mumble—I just don’t want to go outside sometimes. I’m pretty happy just to sit around my house! Graham: How do you feel about the growing hype around you? Do you feel under pressure to be the next White Stripes? Or can you just shrug that off? Dan: It’s easy to shrug off when it’s someone you’re not personally dealing with saying that kind of thing, but when it’s someone you’re personally dealing with saying we need something we can send to radio. I don’t give a fuck! I’ve never written a song thinking this Ben Snakepit by

pictures and

interview

Richmond, Virginia is a city living in a big shadow. It’s just a few hours away from major metropolitan This interview seemed doomed from the start. I areas of the United States, a two-hour drive to originally sat down with the guys in the living room Washington, D.C. Three hours to Baltimore. It’s a of the “Fortress of Solid Dudes,” a big punkhouse stone’s throw from Philadelphia and a twelve-dollar with an even bigger basement that’s become a bit of bus ride to New York City. Richmond has always had a mainstay on the Richmond house show circuit. a bit of a Napoleon complex, and as a result has But by the time the tape was rolling, everyone was always produced a lot of angry, violent bands. Even too drunk and the interview quickly degenerated the Richmond bands that were exceptions to this into a party, and most of the interview came out hardcore rule (Avail, Strike Anywhere) still had a garbled and unusable. Undaunted, I called Justin to schedule a follow-up interview, on a relaxed spring bordering-on-unhealthy dose of testosterone and evening sitting on his backyard halfpipe, while the jock pit mentality. So when I first heard the infec- guys rolled out a box of new shirts to hit the road tious, bouncy snottiness of the Pink Razors, I was with. This interview was much more coherent and amazed. They had the aggression of Dillinger Four, informative, but when I got home to transcribe the the sweetness of Screeching Weasel, and the bratti- tape, I realized the batteries had died about a third ness of the Vindictives. of the way into the interview. So here is a compos- ite of the two separate interviews, seamlessly writ- ten into one, because I am such a fucking genius. Mike: Guitar/Vocals Jeff: Guitar/Vocals Justin: Bass Adam: Drums. Ben: So you guys are the biggest Chixdiggit Justin: Yeah, that’s what we like our donuts show and decided we were a band, we real- fans ever, is that right? actually filled with. Actually, funny story is, ized that Chixdiggit’s new record was gonna Justin: It’s not so much that we love we wrote them (Chixdiggit), I mean, Jeff be called Pink Razors, so we wrote them and Chixdiggit as we love Canada. wrote them and explained to them; we were like, “Can you guys please not name Ben: What do you have to say about Canada? Googled our band name first and made sure your new record that, ‘cause it would be a Justin: Molson, donuts… no one had it, and once we were starting to huge pain in the ass for all of us,” and they Ben: Molson donuts? get established, I mean, we had played one were like, “Nope, but we checked your band out and you guys are pretty okay.” So we Ben: Do you think it’s finally safe for real this trip and it’s not ‘cause we were like, fucking hate them. punk bands to start playing pop punk again? “Wow, this is huge and we’re on some cusp Ben: Do you think maybe you can get ‘em Justin: We’re making it safe. [laughs] of things.” It’s just that we all grew up in back by naming your next album Chixdiggit? Ben: I mean, you all pretty much come from Richmond, except for Mike (who still grew Mike: We wouldn’t give ‘em the fuckin’ backgrounds of playing hardcore type up listening to Richmond bands), and we just satisfaction. stuff—Justin was in Youth Decay, Jeff, you think it’s cool. It was nice of them to ask us Justin: Yeah, when we were doing the last were in Stop It! and T.F.A. Was this switch to and we’re really stoked. record one of our rejected album titles was pop punk a conscious decision? Ben: Do you think that maybe they asked you Smells Like Chixdiggit, which isn’t that Jeff: Well, yeah. I was the drummer in all my to come along because you guys are the hot funny, I guess. previous bands, and I always just kinda had shit these days, and maybe the kids are gonna Ben: So you guys are pretty unashamed to to play what was presented to me, but when come to the show to see the Pink Razors? say that you’re a pop punk band, which actu- I started writing my own songs, they came Justin: Are you kidding? Did you just see ally kinda takes a lot of balls in 2006. out more pop punk. the show we played downstairs? (There were Mike: I wouldn’t say “unashamed,” my friend. Mike: Plus, after a while it’s nice to write about fifty kids at the show; apparently a Ben: But you say pop punk; you don’t try to songs that actually sound good instead of just poor turnout.) make up some new kinda genre, like how the trying to see how many fucked-up chords Ben: Yeah, it was bad-ass. Modern Machines say they’re “basement you can put together. Justin: Well, it’s ‘cause you like pop punk, punk,” but they’re just pop punk really, Ben: So you guys are about to leave on a big man. You and like six other kids on the East y’know? But the thing is that pop punk, tour with Avail. Coast. That’s why we get together with especially among underground bands, is this Justin: Yeah, we’re stoked about it. bands like Bent Outta Shape or the Modern shameful thing to admit that you do. Ben: Do you think that Avail still has the Machines and we’re like hugging each Jeff: We’re not trying to be innovators or draw and appeal that they used to? other—it’s like sanctuary. anything; we’re just doing what we do. Mike: I don’t think that they have the same Ben: Well, then, when you go on tour Justin: We’ve had both sides of it. Some draw, but they’re not doing anything too dif- what do most of the bands you play with people are stoked about it and some people ferent from what they’ve always done. sound like? think we’re trying to cash in or something. Adam: I think they’re just as important as Jeff: We play with punk bands. Ben: So when somebody asks you, “What they were before. I mean, I still listen to the Justin: We play with punk bands. We play kind of music do you play?” and you tell fuck out of them. with a lot of hardcore bands. The first tour them “pop punk,” and they go, “Oh, like Justin: A part of it is, we definitely know, as we did we played with pretty much all pop Blink 182?” What do you say to that? well as they do, where they stand nowadays, punk bands, but they were in pop punk cities, Jeff: I say, “Yeah, kinda like Blink 182.” and we all kinda went out of our way to do like Minneapolis. 49 Ben: So tell me about writ- all have such hometown pride, proud as shit to New York City, but now, living here and being ing to Motorola to ask for be from Richmond, definitely more so than any in a band from here, it’s like… free pink Razr phones. other town I’ve encountered in the country. Ben: So from an outsider’s perspective, is it Jeff: I just felt like they What is your take on Richmond pride? everything you expected? owed it to us, since they Justin: I like living here. Mike: No, but then again I was in high school were stealing our name, Jeff: It’s okay. I don’t wanna claim it for cred then. When I was sixteen I expected a lot more and I wrote ‘em and they didn’t really see eye or anything. out of a lot of places, but when reality hits, I to eye with me. I told them that the very least Ben: Why do you think that other bands make mean, pretty much any city can be like that. they could do was give us free phones, and it into such a big deal? You can love it or hate it wherever you go. they just sent back a form letter basically. It Justin: Well, you were saying earlier that You’re gonna have fun at shows no matter wasn’t really a high drama situation or any- Richmond’s actual scene is kinda weak, but where you are, so it’s all kinda relative. But thing. I wrote them a second letter, and I feel there are a lot of bands from here. I think this Richmond fucking rules. like I articulated my points clearly, but they town is actually kinda underappreciated—it’s Ben: Richmond is still sometimes known as didn’t write back again. not like a New York or Philly—and I think the “fist city” ‘cause of all the violence at the Ben: What are your favorite cities to play in people here wanna give Richmond its due, shows here. Have you experienced any of that the U.S. so far? being kinda overshadowed by these other big at your shows? Mike: Gainesville. East Coast cities. Mike: No, thankfully. I don’t think any of Jeff: Minneapolis was fun. Raleigh. Mike: Well, coming from Florida, Richmond those tough guys know who we are. Justin: Philly can be hit or miss; the kids are was the fucking shit. I had Gainesville only an Adam: Hopefully it’ll stay like that. nice to us but the shows can be kinda weird. hour from me, and you would always hear Ben: Who are some new bands in Richmond Ben: There’s definitely this stigma with about Richmond bands, you know, Avail, that people should check out? Richmond bands. Not just Avail, but like Strike Strike Anywhere, Ann Beretta. Down in Mike: Brainworms. Anywhere and Ann Beretta or whoever, they Florida we looked up to Richmond like it was Justin: The Landmines, the Ultra Dolphins. Ben: So your new record is doing pretty good? Ben: A bike courier? Ben: What about the best Justin: Oh yeah, I just bought a house. It all Justin: [Reluctantly] Yes. bands you’ve played with? plateaued when we started wearing makeup, Ben: Do you wear one of those little yellow Justin: This is for and records sales just shot up. hats with the bill that flips up? Razorcake, right? Ben: What made you decide to stay with Justin: No. Ben: Yeah. Robotic Empire? You guys aren’t exactly par Ben: Do you roll up your pant leg on one Justin: Then the readers already know. We’re for the course on that label. side? Or do you shave your legs so you can just gonna sound like assholes dropping names Mike: Well, I think it makes us stick out more, go faster? like everyone else. You know, typical since all the other bands on the label are more Justin: That’s why I said “courier” instead of Razorcake fare: Bent Outta Shape, Modern hardcore than us, plus Andy is a chill-ass dude “bike messenger,” ‘cause I knew you’d give Machines, Clorox Girls. Maybe one band that and we like working with him. me shit about it. Razorcakers don’t know about is the Street Jeff: I actually work for Andy doing mail Ben: So I read all your band blogs on Myspace, Sharks, out of Raleigh, North Carolina. I guess order stuff for Robotic Empire, and it makes it and Jeff, you write some pretty funny, insight- I just totally named all the bands I didn’t a lot easier on the level of a band dealing with ful shit. Do you write the lyrics too? wanna name. their label since I see him all the time. I think Jeff: Most of them. Mike wrote a couple, but, Ben: Don’t worry. There’s an editing process. it’s a little advantage we have over most yeah, I write most of the lyrics. A lot of this is gonna get edited out. bands. Plus, I don’t think any other labels have Ben: Who’s the worst band you’ve ever [At this point, somebody brings in a gravity shown any interest in us. [laughs] played with? bong and the interview deteriorates into unin- Ben: What are your other day jobs? Everyone: Uhh… telligible babble.] Adam: I used to deliver food and wash dishes, Ben: You don’t have to name names if you but I just quit to go on this tour. don’t want to, just describe them. myspace.com/pinkrazors Mike: I sell coffee. A Barista. Mike: We’ve actually been pretty lucky as far Justin: I’m a courier. as playing with bands that are good.

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DINTERVIEWU BY KATD JETSON Ben:E drums///Brady:S guitar///Dan: guitar///Daniel: bass///Phil: keys Bad Dudes formed two years ago from the heavi- way, they’re fucking hilarious and rarely take them- ly synthesized and punked-up/progressive/million- selves too seriously. Well, except when for it comes notes-a-minute ashes of Los Angeles’ much-revered to making the music. Miracle Chosuke. Does the Bad Dudes sound borrow In order for you to understand even half of what’s a little bit from the book of Chosuke? Sure, but with going on in this interview, let me give you some back all five members getting along (almost) always story. You see, a few days before our interview I famously, and contributing equally to the songwrit- checked the band’s MySpace page; only they weren’t ing—along with everyone occasionally singing (but Bad Dudes anymore. About three or four times a day a only on record)—Bad Dudes have come up with a few new name appeared with a Bad Dude’s face. I’m sure I more chapters. didn’t catch them all, but some choice names that I Live, their music is fast-paced, tempo-charged recall were Boyz II Men, The Metallica, and the one testosterone. On record, their sound is a math rock that really got them into how-dare-you-even-think-of- version of Devo meets ‘70s rock harmonies. And joking-about-that hot water: Led Zeppelin. Right before that’s just what I think today. (My opinion seems to I left for the interview I noticed that their page was change with each listen.) I’m sure they’ll disagree, as gone, and I was convinced Lars Ulrich from Metallica they’re not really keen on how others have labeled was SpySpacing them—just looking for someone to them thus far, but when your band isn’t carbon copy- sue. Turns out Bad Dudes aren’t really certain them- ing others, the end result is hard to pin down. Either selves what happened, but they have an idea…

Dan: I was so scared to come to practice was 150. And then when we changed our Dan: Dude, people got so angry with the Led today. It was like going to the principal’s name to Led Zeppelin we got 2,500 plays. Zeppelin. The funniest one was this one office. I’ve had real anxiety about it all day. Daniel: And we also got fifty hate mails from guy… everyone used the word faggot. We Kat: Why? people saying things like, “You fags no make got, “You guys are fucking fags. This is gay.” Dan: Because I thought I was going to get music like Zeppelin. They rock, you don’t.” He was this bro guy from Texas. First he killed by these guys. Ben: And that was verbatim. called us fags and then I wrote him back and Daniel: You see, Dan has a really bad inter- Kat: What’s the deal with that other band said, “I was not aware there was another nal meter of what is actually going to piss us called Bad Dudes? band called Led Zeppelin.” Then he like, off. The things that really piss us off, he’s Daniel: There’s a couple. But this band from took me aside… like, “What?” Knoxville. They’re hardcore. This guy has a Ben: Put his arm around you… Ben: I’m actually glad. You’re the only one tattoo of Bad Dudes on his arm. He puts us Kat: Virtually. that really cares about the MySpace page. to shame. Look at that, dude. They deserve Dan: He was like, “Look man, it’s kinda funny. Daniel: Yeah, you’re the freak, and you’re that name. But seriously, gentlemen to gentleman… the wealth of statistics… Ben: I almost changed it back to Bad Dudes Daniel: Gentleman to gentleman! Dan: But seriously, in our defense… the other night. I was looking at it and I was Dan: …musician to musician… [Audible groans from the rest of the band.] like, “This is so stupid.” But I didn’t want to Daniel: You know the deal. Dan: Our previous record of plays in one day be the pussy. Dan: …seriously, bro. Photos by Jon San Agustin

[Everyone’s pretty much busting up and requires a lot of memorization. We actu- Ben: That was the funniest part—them try- laughing over this.] ally recorded demos with Brady on ing to play it off. I knew as soon I came in… Dan: I want that to be on our album, or the drums and he’s an excellent drummer. I had, like, drum bags and they were all, review of our album. That’s a little known fact. So people “Ooh, chops. Ooh, drum bags.” Daniel: This one girl… It got kind of abra- were working from these MP3s and Kat: “Nice bags.” That’s a real threat, huh? sive. The email said, “You’re all going to they’re like, “Yeah, I got it.” Then they Ben: Exactly. And I played and no one says hell, and fuck you, and here’s an animated would show up to practice and they anything, but they’re all looking at each gif that shows a rabbit getting his ass would just suck. other trying not to laugh. So we walk out of fucked… That’s you—that’s your band—and Brady: First of all—let me interject—Geoff the room after a couple of songs and Dan’s that’s me fucking you in the ass.” Kern ruled. like, “So, uh, you think you’d like, be inter- Brady: Who wrote, “You’re fat”? Dan: He was cool. ested in staying?” Ben: That’s the response that got us kicked off. Daniel: He came up with some great band Daniel: Even when he said that I gave Dan a Daniel: Dan wrote her back, “Oh wow, I did- names. This whole time we were trying to get look like, “Don’t blow it.” n’t know there was another band called Led a drummer we were trying to come up with a Ben: And Dan said, “You know, it’s not any- Zeppelin. Are they local? You’re fat.” band name, too. We literally have a list that thing like, for sure, but if you want to come Brady: And she got us kicked off? That’s I’ve kept of 578 possible band names. back…” I was like, “Yeah, right.” You might amazing. She wanted it. Dan: You gotta see this. as well just beg me. Kat: You got the name from that NES Daniel: One of which, or even two of which, Dan: It was the single best audition. Nintendo video game, right? is Led Zeppelin. Brady: I don’t know… Some of his high hat Dan: Honestly, no. Brady: You have that?! I want that so bad, man. work was just so sloppy. Brady: We knew it existed. Kat: That would be so amazing to print in Daniel (going back to the what-could’ve- Dan: I didn’t realize the game was that big of a the interview. been band name list): Ethnic Cuisine. Toxic deal and that people would make the reference. Daniel: I wanted to use it for our album Beaver. Electric Jivvers. Hot Narcs. Daniel: I did, and I said it every single time. cover. You know how some CD covers fold Dan: Hot Narcs is cool cause it’s like 21 But it was Marty, wasn’t? out like, ten times. And just lay out the list Jump Street. Dan: Yeah, it was Marty’s idea. Our ex-key- sideways ‘cause it’s so long. Daniel: Gnarls in Charge. board player, Marty, was really influential in a Dan (reading from the list): Thor Is A Homo. Dan: There’s a band now called Gnarls Barkley. lot of things. He designed our logo and stuff. Daniel: Big Smelly Poopy, parenthesis… Daniel: My whole thing was just any name Kat: And he was in the last incarnation of Dan and Daniel: …(I Gotta Take a). without the word “Dudes.” Phil and I just Miracle Chosuke. Dan: Long story short, Ben came to practice thought it was so stupid. Dan: Is it okay if I go on a little tangent here? and he had listened to the MP3s and we were Ben: One was Golden Swords. Kat: MySpace rage? all like, “Who is this chump?” And he knew Dan [laughing hysterically]: There’s one Daniel: Everything Dan says for the next all the songs and could play them all in the that’s in quotes, “Ironic Quotation month I’m going to take with a grain of salt. first take. Marks.” There’s also, I Don’t Make The “Oh, you laughed at my joke.” That’s only Brady: Ben came to practice and was prob- Rules, I Don’t Break The Rules, I Make because of the MySpace thing. ably like, “Who the fuck are these guys?” I The Rules. It’s like, I thought you didn’t Dan: We tried out, like, fifteen drummers. was like, “Great to meet you, Ben.” make the rules. Our music is hard, and it’s all meter. It Dan: We were freaked out. Phil: Was one Endless Jacuzzi? 53 Ben: There’s Boys II Menn with two “Ns” Kat: So your final answer is Olympic-themed. Kat [to Brady]: Do you want to tell the (The Really Crazy Kind), Endless Tunnel Brady: Nooo! ladies what you do on a first date? of Handjobs. Dan: I know I’ve talked a lot, but… Band on Brady: Tell the ladies? Dan: Then there’s Tunnel of Endless the run. And I have the whole concept. Dan: Yeah. Handjobs, which is [laughing] totally different. Kat (to Brady): You’re the one that said you Brady: Fist fuck. Daniel: We were actually Cabana Boyzz for liked the Red Hot Chili Peppers, right? [Everyone laughs.] a little while. Brady: I’m right here. Brady: Before and after dinner… Dan: Dudes, all these names are better than Kat: Did I tell you that when we had the Kat: That’ll get the ladies lining up. our name. release shows for the Let’s Get Rid of L.A. Brady: We listen to Bad Dudes and I’m like, Daniel: Yeah, that’s so true. comp, Anthony Kiedis showed up but “My guitar’s on the right side.” Dan: Dude Capades. wouldn’t pay the $5.00 to get in? Dan: I take ‘em to the Olive Garden. Kat: The Mysterious Knights of the Oingo Brady: That makes me like him even more. Brady: What about you Daniel? Boingo… I’d do the same thing. “Do you know who Daniel: KFC, man. Dan: I just thought the phrase Bad Dudes the FUCK I am?!” Kat: So does being in a band ever get was infinitely more famous than the game Kat [to Brady]: You also play in Upsilon you chicks? Bad Dudes. Apparently I was wrong. Acrux. Are you in that band, or just filling in? Dan: No. Daniel: The game sucked, though. Brady: I’m in it now. I started playing with Brady: Easy answer. No. Kat: For a little while Andrew, the drummer them like two and a half years ago. Dan: I’ve never scored a chick from being of Miracle Chosuke, was singing for you. Dan: How long have we been a band? in a band. What happened with that? Daniel: We played our first show January Kat: C’mon! So no, “Hey, I’m in a band.” Dan: He was just sort of thrust into it. He 24, 2004. Dan: We’re in Bad Dudes. It’s like Led never really aspired to be a singer. Kat: Is it hard to learn twice as many songs? Zeppelin are Hammer of the Gods, and we’re Brady: He’s just one of our best friends and Brady: It’s not a big deal. Just more practice. Pocket Protector of the Gods. we thought it would be cool. Kat: Your album kind of sounds like a rock Kat: What do you think is one of the most Kat: Is it hard, though, ‘cause there are opera. Like Queensryche’s Operation: disappointing things one of your musical vocals on half the songs on your record, but Mindcrime or something. It’s got songs titled idols has done? For instance, some people are when you play live you don’t sing. Do peo- “Prelude,” “Intermission” and “Epilogue”… bummed that Iggy Pop’s song Lust for Life is ple expect there to be vocals live? Brady: I know what you’re talking about— used for a Carnival cruise commercial. Brady: I’ve had people tell me they like us how it sorta flows. But I think if it didn’t Dan: Dude’s finally getting paid well better live. They like the album, but like us have those things, you wouldn’t really notice after the fact doesn’t really bother me. better instrumental. it. As far as songs flowing together, it does- They struggled and they should get some Dan: It seems it’s the first way you’re intro- n’t really feel like one piece. kind of compensation. duced to us. People who have seen us live Dan: We did discuss and spend a lot of time Daniel: You know what bothers me? And first don’t like the album, and people that on how to sequence it, but… he’s not even an idol of mine… The guitarist hear the album first are bummed out by the Brady: Queensryche, huh? from Rage Against the Machine… live show. Dan: That’s not a comparison I’ve ever heard. All: Tom Morello. Daniel: They don’t really complain, but they Daniel: Never. Daniel: Like, him being the Guitar Center always ask, “Are you guys singing yet?” Brady: Hey, I’m happy. cutout and seen in all these corporate ads. It Kat: I kind of like it because you almost Dan: Why can’t we ever get compared to just bothers me when someone bases their have two totally different bands. If you want cool bands? entire image on “Fuck the corporate…” Isn’t to hear lyrics, listen to the album. If you want Kat: You do. that going to confuse people? to hear instrumentals, go see the band live. Daniel: Who do we get compared to? Ben: I just hate watching the Stones play. Daniel: It’s actually intentional because Kat: Devo. For some reason when you get old, your we’re preparing ourselves for the time when Dan: I can take that. voice goes away, your chops go away, you we’re playing arenas and the entire crowd Kat: I dunno. Every time I play your music in don’t look cool in leather pants… You just can sing for us. Our vocals would just get in my car or for someone else they say it sounds look like an old fart. the way. It’s funny because I never wanted like soundtrack music or video game music. Ben: I’m sure they know they look like to be in a band that couldn’t pull off live Dan: That sucks. idiots, but they want to sell records. That’s what we did in the studio, unless, maybe, it Brady: It’s true, man. Live with it. the worst part. I guarantee you that the was the last years of the band and we got Dan: I just don’t think we’re seriously Stones know they’re just a bunch of old farts tired of touring and just want to make amaz- indebted to one band. out on stage, but they’re making fifty million ing studio albums. It changes when you get Kat: For your 7” coming out you wanted dollars per year and they just play “Brown in the situation. “still on limo rides” written in the dead wax. Sugar” or whatever. Kat: So if you were to go on a stadium tour, What does that mean? Daniel: I don’t know about that, dude. I what would your live set up consist of? Dan: It’s just like our lifestyle. think they probably have enough money Phil: I always wanted to do a pole vault. Brady: Ben’s lifestyle. where they don’t have to do it anymore. That would be awesome. Dan: Just… that’s our mode of transportation. Dan: I think Keith Richards really enjoys Daniel: Yeah, it would be like the Olympics. Brady: 24-7! himself. I think that’s who he is. He just We’d play the Olympic theme and the Kat: Is it a Hummer limo? doesn’t have much quality. Olympic flag would come down behind us Brady: You know, occasionally. Sometimes Ben: Dude, I’ve been in a band for two years— and we’d all be wearing shorts. we get home and then we ride. we don’t have any hits—and I’m already tired of Dan: It’s a bit cliché, but I always enjoy All: Erm… playing the songs. They’ve been playing those shows that have projection. It’s always cool Brady: What? What’s wrong? songs for sixty-five years. You can’t tell me he and I never get sick of that. Dan: Can you write “audible groan” there? just wants to get up there and “rock and roll.” 54 BAD DUDES We got fifty hate mails from people saying things like, "You fags no make music like Zeppelin. They rock, you don't."... and that was verbatim.

Photo by Jessica Miller

Dan: I’ve read interviews where he keeps Dan: But why does he have to sell out his up in arms would be petty. And all these on pushing the tour. bros ‘cause they’re fat? people bitching about the Germs—they Ben: I’m sure they love music, but I refuse Ben: I’m not saying that. But, why can’t never saw the Germs. They don’t belong to believe they enjoy playing the same they just be old men? Why can’t they just to you. They belong to her and her band. songs over and over. wear a suit? Do I think it’s sad? Yeah, totally. If I were Dan: For that much money, who can Dan: I don’t disagree with that. Old people in that position, would I hope I wouldn’t begrudge them that? trying to be young people—it’s gross and do it? Yeah. Daniel: You see, the thing about Bad it’s sad, but young people… I think Sonic Ben: I read that the actor playing him Dudes is that we have a unified vision. We Youth are a great example. They’re (Shane West) went out and got all the same just agree on everything. It’s so easy in approaching their fifties and they write tattoos as Darby Crash. this band. great songs. The Rolling Stones are a bad Dan: That’s a pretty ballsy move. Dan: I’m just saying, if you like playing example of that, but they’re getting paid. Daniel: Then that guy’s sadder than anyone music and you’re still interested in play- Kat: Have you heard about the Germs else in the Germs—pretending to be some- ing music, I don’t think there should be movie? Lorna Doom came out of seclusion body he’s not. an age where you have to retire. I think or retirement or whatever to play Germs Kat: If you won a musical award, what that’s really gross. Running the risk of shows with an actor playing Darby Crash. would it be for, and what would you say at sounding lame, we have a totally have a That bummed me out. the podium? youth-obsessed culture. Why can’t fifty Dan: My opinion of that is, sure the legend Brady: Most pretentious piece-of-shit- or sixty-year-olds participate in pop cul- of the Germs is suffering, but here’s a per- worst-band-in-L.A.-oh-my-god-they-got- ture? Everything is geared for that nar- son who was instrumental and creating the kicked-off-of-MySpace-and-no-one-noticed row demographic. People beyond that legend of the Germs and if she chooses to Award goes to… demographic have money, opinions, and get hers way after the fact because she had Ben: What would you say after that enjoy things. When Neil Young was the courage to be in the Germs at that award, dude? twenty, he sang songs about being twen- time—sure. I don’t think it’s a bad thing that Brady: “Mr. Miller couldn’t be here. ty. And now that he’s in his sixties, he’s she had to sacrifice a bit of the legend for all He’s at the John Frusciante tribute con- writing song about being sixty. For me, of us so she can get a little bit of notoriety cert crying, Ben is snorting coke, Cobb is that totally works. I’m sure for people in and money. I think people are so preoccu- thinking about weird shit with his thumb that age group they can completely pied with their idols being less now, but it’s in his butt...” relate to it, and that music can have that just a bunch of never was-es being bummed Daniel: Well, there you go. same resonance. out that their idols are less than being great. Dan: People are going to think we’re the Ben: I watched an old Saturday Night Live What’s the big deal? biggest fucking idiots ever. with Bowie from about ten years ago… Daniel: The big deal is that music is a com- Brady: Well, they’re going to be dead-on. Dan: Bowie’s aged well. modity and you want to own that mystique. Dan: Feel free to edit this to make us seem Ben: He has, but every dude in his band Ben: That’s always the problem with like not totally douche bags. hasn’t! His guitar playing was wearing people crying sell out. Being in a band is tight pleather pants and I just thought it not easy… was so sad. Dan: It’s your personal decision to stay Daniel: Is he playing with the same guys? consistent with your beliefs and to say these Ben: I think he is. It’s like, change, man. aren’t my beliefs anymore. For me, to get all Todd: How is it that a band from Denmark, I DON’T KNOW WHY, thousands and thousands of miles away, has BUT I’M INCAPABLE OF tapped directly into the vein of music that was played in my backyard of L.A., almost thirty NOSTALGIA. years ago? I mean, okay, X, is the easy one, but you’ve got traces of The Plugz, The Gears, The I don’t pine for days passed. Brat, The Bags, The Zeros—not technically, Maybe it’s because I’ve been L.A., but closer to L.A. than Denmark. And it neck-deep in making something seems that Gorilla Angreb has been able to pick new with my hands full-time for the up the smallest details. Is old L.A. punk like a last ten years. Perhaps it’s that I’ve treasure map to Gorilla Angreb? never expected someone or some- Tommas: Hmm. Well, we didn’t exactly just sit thing else—a band, a deity, a pre- down and agree to copy one certain band for described belief system, a specific our sound. But yeah, I guess it shines through scene at a rarefied time—to save that we all love old punk rock and yes, there my life. I take music for what it is: a were quite a few great bands from the early wonderful way to interact with the L.A. scene and it doesn’t bother me that people world. It’s a great way to let off compare us to some of those bands. I’m just some steam and spazz out. A great getting sick of the X comparison all the time, so way, if you’re careful enough, to I’m glad you mentioned The Zeros, which we get a fresh bit of understanding actually used to cover—“Don’t Push Me and find like-minded folks to share Around”—and a personal L.A. favorite of time with. mine, The Brat, which not many people seem to know about. At least not in Europe. L.A. is It doesn’t hurt that I’m a little retard- definitely not a treasure map to Gorilla ed. My memory’s bad. Concussions Angreb. There’s a lot of other inspiration to have taken their toll. My eyes still our songs. widen when I hear a band that Todd: What are some of the less obvious electrifies me. Such a band that’s inspirations, then? fired me up lately is Gorilla Angreb. Tommas: Less obvious influences are various They’re Danish. I have no idea what ‘60s and early ‘70s bands. We all dig MC5, they’re singing about. Their singles Sonics, Stooges and that sort of stuff. hooked me and their 12” EP, Bedre Todd: It’s funny that you mention The Brat Tider, became one of those com- not being that well known. I think it has to do with a couple of things. They weren’t on a pulsive pieces of vinyl that I flipped “biggie” punk rock Southern California over and over to hear it again and label—like Dangerhouse or Posh Boy. They again, louder, closer to my ears. It’s were on Fatima—run by Tito Larriva of the “back to the beginning to tap the Plugz—and secondly, that 12” was super hard source, but bring your own ammu- to find pretty soon after it was released. So, I nition and fireworks to the picnic” pose this question: do you want Gorilla style punk. They take the radioac- Angreb to follow in similar footsteps? A lot of tive, embryonic elements that got your vinyl seems to be for sale for a couple of smashed together in a big way in months, then be completely sold out. Do you 1977 and then cage, molest, taunt, want to keep Gorilla Angreb a bit of a secret? and whip those influences into their Tommas: I’d like Gorilla Angreb records to be own shaking monster. What you get available all the time. But, sometimes, it’s been is great songs, revved-up, full of very hard to make this possible, as some of the tension, attack, and release. There’s releases have been quite popular and we’ve had actual singing. There’s real guitar problem keeping up with the demand, mainly work. There’s absolute craft folded because I haven’t had the time to do so proper- into a comforting amount of sim- ly. But, in theory, I want our records to be avail- plicity and raw touch. Humans able, and it helps that we have had our records making great music: that’s what this released in the U.S., too now, by Feral Ward. is all about. Our discography CD is gonna be released both in Europe by myself (Hjernespind) and Japan Interview by Todd Taylor (Too Circle) soon, so we’re definitely trying not Photos by Alexander Krone to be a well-kept secret, but to get the music out (except where noted) Original artwork by Art Fuentes there to people who’d dig it. Todd: Is their any truth that Peter—vocals and Mai—Vocals guitar—is the brains behind Gorilla Angreb, Simon Retardo—Bass much like some claim he was the brains Tommas—Drums behind Amdi Petersens Armé? Peter—Guitar, vocals

AS A KID HE WAS CAUGHT GRAFFITI-ING TRAINS AND HAD TO SPEND A YEAR IN JUVENILE PRISON BECAUSE OF IT.

Tommas: Yes, it’s true Peter writes most of the Gorilla Angreb songs. I Gorillas and all those other bands with “gorilla” in their name had the come up with a song here and there, but since I’m not a guitarist, he obvi- same “problem” with always ending up using gorillas on covers and ously comes up with better stuff than what I’m capable of and he writes logos. T-shirt designs are normally pretty easy to go about. One of us has most lyrics, too. But he’s not really like a dictator. Everybody’s ideas are an idea and we try it out. If it works it works. If not, we skip it. Most of listened to and we all have an equal say. Peter is behind most of the music, the time, it just works first shot. but as far as being the brain behind the band, I think there’s more to it than Todd: Have you ever thought, “Fuck. That’s a great gorilla. I want to use just the music. I’ve released all the records and set up or coordinated most that drawing.”? tours. Simon is in charge of printing up our T-shirts and badges and stuff Tommas: Yes, personally I stumbled upon several cool gorillas that we and is the most skilled in the band to lay finishing touches on cover art in just had to use—the cover from Aborted 2000 E.P. and the demo cover. Photoshop. So I’d like to see the brain behind the band to be a combined Todd: Mai worked in a comic store. Has that affected how the band rep- effort. In Amdi Petersens Armé, Peter and Ras—APA drummer, Young resents itself in flyers, posters, and record jackets? Wasteners singer—wrote probably 50/50 of the songs. Tommas: No, not really. The insert for the first 7” was done by Mai, so Todd: The artwork I’ve come across from Gorilla Angreb is striking. yeah, maybe she was inspired by the comics surrounding her at the time The logos associated with the band make sense and are exciting without in that process, but, in general, this hasn’t had an impact on how we rep- being clichéd. Why gorillas? resent ourselves. Tommas: The name of the band translates into Gorilla Attack, so I guess Todd: I especially want to hear about part of the creative process behind photos of angry Gorillas smashing things are hard not to use, as lots of the photo shoot for Bedre Tider, the one with the small dog and the per- these photos or drawings are very cool. I imagine Gorilla Biscuits, son who’s hung themselves. Todd: How did Mai get approached to be in Gorilla Angreb, because I don’t think she’s been in any other band prior. Tommas: Mai was asked to join the band as we needed a singer and Peter had just met her at this drawing school that both of them attended. It’s true that she wasn’t in any other band prior to Gorilla Angreb. Todd: Please tell the story of being on a flatbed truck and getting busted by the cops in the middle of your first song… what’s Ungdomshuset? Tommas: Ungdomshuset is a huge volunteer-run house in Copenhagen that was given to the squatter movement in the early ‘80s by the city hall. It’s been a center for the punk scene since then and is still a very important place for the scene in Copenhagen. Most bands either practice there or did in the past—ourselves included—and there’s tons of shows there, soup kitchens, a recording studio—first APA, first GA, Asbest 7”s and Hjertestop 7”s are recorded here—and other cool shit going on there. The house is pretty much open for everybody who has ideas on what to do with the space there. The house has been facing eviction for some years now, and the incident with us being arrested was at a happening for the house. We set up all equipment on the back of a truck and blocked the traffic dur- ing rush hour at one of the streets with the most traffic in Copenhagen. What happened was that after literally thirty seconds, the cops pulled the plug on us and wanted to arrest us. We put the plug back in and continued playing but, of course, ended up getting arrested. [laughs] Todd: What was the genesis for your record company? Tommas: My Kick N’ Punch partner-in-crime Jakob and I started the label in 1999 when a local scene with some really great bands started to build up. There weren’t really any punk record labels in Denmark at that time, so we filled the gap, so to speak, and started the label with a main focus on the local scene. And then the great bands kept coming out of the woodwork here, so we just kept on releasing records. Todd: Coming from a very liberal country, are there any concessions Danish bands can get from the government to help subsidize musicians such as yourselves? Tommas: Yes, there are a few organizations you can scam some finan- cial support from, but they’re not government-supported, just organiza- tions that support Danish bands going abroad. I guess this is a Scandinavian thing, as I haven’t heard about this happening anywhere else in the world. I think it would be pretty stupid not to take advantage of this possibility. Todd: I don’t really comment on a band’s tattoos that often, but Simon has extravagant tattoos on his arms and hands—and by the looks of it— all over his body. Does that make border crossings more difficult? Simon: No, there haven’t really been any problems crossing borders. Normally, they just comment the tattoos with things like, “Does it hurt?” “How many do you have?” “Do you regret having them made?” Everybody in the band has a really high IQ, so we can talk our way out of everything [laughs]. When we go to the U.S., we always travel in two or three groups, that way we don’t look like a band. Todd: What do the tattoos mean? Are they purely decorative? Tommas: Record covers are more painful and hard to finish. In the Simon: I have made the “designs” myself. They are all gang related. beginning, we all met and sat down and did the cover together, but it That’s really all I can say. And, of course, they look cool. could take forever and be “almost finished” for months, instead of just Todd: I’ve been reading about working weeks and social reform. sitting down and figuring out how it should look and then simply just do Denmark always comes out near the top. Is it true that most Danish peo- it! The last few covers were done faster though, so I hope we learned ple have a thirty-five-hour work week? something along the way. Personally, I think it’s better with just one per- Tommas: Actually, things over here are getting worse. We have a con- son having the idea and putting the cover together, instead of being the servative right wing-supported government in Denmark at the moment. whole band there all the time. Things take a lot longer to finish that way. They definitely made life harder for unemployed people, immigrants, old And I think it’s still possible for everybody to have their say this way. people, and students the last four or five years. So, I’d say it’s definitely The idea with the Bedre Tider cover was Peter’s idea. He wanted this going the wrong way over here. But, compared to the U.S., I’d say things nice and cosy family portrait of the band and then have a guy hanging in are definitely better here. We still have free health insurance for all citi- the background from a tree. I think the cover turned out really cool. I was zens. The fact that it’s not free to get treatment by a doctor or go to the a bit curious as to how this cover would be received. A lot of punks here hospital blows my mind. I guess this is a thing we should really appreci- in Copenhagen hate it, but I heard from more people than what I expect- ate. We also have free schools and free education for everybody and you ed that they think the cover is awesome. So I guess you either hate it or even get money from the state while you’re going to school when you’re you love it. 59 WE SET UP ALL EQUIPMENT ON THE BACK OF A TRUCK AND BLOCKED THE TRAFFIC DURING RUSH HOUR AT ONE OF THE STREETS WITH THE MOST TRAFFIC IN COPENHAGEN. over eighteen years old—not a lot—but enough to get by if you live a gave us the key to go to the school and use the space and the equipment simple life. But as I said, it started to get worse here and I think they will there. Cool, as it would have been impossible to find another rehearsal gradually weaken these services and principles for the future. A normal space in the small town I come from. Also, the first Gorilla Angreb demo work week over here is thirty-seven hours. The last job I had was only tape was recorded in a small cabin in the middle of nowhere that belongs thirty hours a week. I’d rather work less and have more time to do what to my parents. So, yeah, I guess my folks have been really supportive. I I like, but I know this is not possible for everybody, as you obviously get know the others’ parents have been to shows too and, actually, we just paid less than working full time. But, I guess if you have a job that you played at Mai’s mother’s birthday party, which was funny as it was def- like, I wouldn’t mind working more hours either. initely something different. The guests there even seemed to enjoy it. Todd: Without boasting—and since you’ve travelled quite a bit in your Todd: Name one non-punk-rock movie that you think every punk rock- bands—what do you think the rest of the world could learn by er should see and why they should see it. Denmark’s example? What is the significance of not being part of the Tommas: Reptilicus: a horrible attempt at doing a horror movie in European Union and not using the Euro? Denmark in the ‘60s. They should watch it since it’s just hilarious and Tommas: Personally, I’m against the EU. I don’t think it’s the right solu- funny; definitely not scary. That’s for sure. tion to push away decisions from our small country to Brussels. It’s hard Todd: Do any of you have any hobbies or obsessions that people may for me to go into depth with this subject as English is not my first lan- not equate with punk rock? guage, so I won’t, since it’s a complex issue. Since Denmark voted no to Tommas: Yeah. I’m into football! And that’s European football—soc- the Euro, we still have Danish Crowns here. And, yeah, I can see the argu- cer—for you Americans. The World Cup just started and I think I, in the ment about making it easier doing the labels with the same currency in all last three days, I saw seven or eight games on the TV. I was always into Europe, but I’d still prefer to stick to the Crown. I just don’t see the point many different sports as a kid. I still have a closet at my parent’s house in having all countries look the same. And this is just a part of that. full of medals and trophies from my time as a table tennis player. When Todd: Have any of Gorilla Angreb’s parents helped the band? I got older, my musical interest gradually replaced the sports thing. I still Tommas: Yeah, my parents have been to some shows and got all the play football once in a while, but kinda gave up on the table tennis. I records, of course. When I started out playing in bands fifteen years ago, don’t really have the time to do it. People might say sports are not punk they were really supportive, and still are. My first bands actually rock, but I don’t give a fuck. Do what you want. I collect records too, but rehearsed at this school my father works at as a teacher. He basically just I’m not really the collector scum type, as there seem to be quite a few of.

61 Photo by Terri Meuse HE WANTED THIS NICE AND COZY FAMILY PORTRAIT OF THE BAND AND THEN HAVE A GUY HANGING IN THE BACKGROUND FROM A TREE.

I’m not fanatical, I just appreciate great records, and, of course, I’d want really hear of any Euro bands touring the U.S. Now, there’s a lot more, them in my own collection if it’s great stuff. Simon is collecting Bip-bip and I think that’s great and about time, especially considering how many spil. That’s a Danish term for old portable videogames. I’m sure Mai is American bands are touring Europe all the time. Many of these bands are collecting all kinds of crazy stuff, but as we speak, I’m not really sure good and have been working hard for years as a band, but it also seems what. Peter’s a bad-ass graffiti artist. As a kid he was caught doing trains that there are shitloads of mediocre bands that take advantage of the and had to spend a year in juvenile prison because of it. That’s where he great European DIY network, and just set out to tour over here before first got into the drug thing he was later known for doing hard time for, actually having any records out or with just one 7” released. too. I’m glad he’s into punk rock now and in this band. I’m not sure Todd: Name one thing you’re specifically aiming to accomplish with the where he would have been if not for the band. He’s still into graffiti and band that you haven’t yet, but you think is really, really close. can often be spotted in the yard behind the central station. Peter played Tommas: Going to Japan. We have our CD coming out over there now a minor role, too, in the classic European skateboard movie Achtung!! on Too Circle Records, and we’re trying to figure out when in 2007 we Skate Mit Uns, where Jens from No Hope For The Kids also got his can go over there and play. It seems like Shingo of Too Circle is gonna claim to fame. Peter is the guy in the end doing the breakdancing set up the tour as well, but not totally certain yet. I was playing in Japan naked—wearing only white gloves—while Jens is fucking flying in the in 2003 with my other band Intensity and it was great! I wanna go back, air above him on his skateboard. Amazing! and right now it seems like we’re really close with Gorilla Angreb. Todd: Since you’ve been intimately involved with doing records for seven years, what have you seen as being the biggest change the DIY punk rock you’re involved with? Gorilla Angreb Tommas: Hmm. I think old-styled hardcore punk and just simple punk PO Box 604, 2200 Copenhagen N, Denmark rock has made a comeback, which is cool. There are definitely more [email protected] good bands sticking to the roots of punk musically these days than when www.myspace.com/gorillaangreb we started out with Kick N’ Punch. It also seems it’s a lot easier now for European bands to make it over to tour in the U.S. In 1999, you didn’t

63 Written by Russ Van Cleave Artwork by Art Fuentes Photos courtesy of the bands

I’m not sure where I first heard the expression, “The road is better than the inn,” but it certainly is a poignant enough quote. I sup- pose it is really just an elegant way of stating that while life may not always make things comfortable for the participant, it certainly doesn’t reward the passive observer. This was the underlying philosophy behind the mutual decision made by members of The Tim Version and The Dukes Of Hillsborough when we col- lectively said, “fuck it,” and took off for England in late April, largely uninvited, mostly unannounced, with equipment arrangements that amounted to one guitar, a handful of possible shows, and no trans- portation plans. The players were as follows: Jeff, Travis, and Phil of the Dukes Of Hillsborough, Shawn, Scott, Mike, and myself from The Tim Version and Dan, our road crew of one who signed up early on to deal with what- ever wrath might be unleashed by a vengeful U.K. Tour God. Shows were sorta confirmed—Brighton, Newport, Liverpool, Edinburgh, Middlesborough, Leeds, and Derby. Transportation looked promising. Equipment was on the verge of being borrowed. In short, things were lookin’ good, so pennies were saved and plane tickets were purchased, thus establishing the point of no return. Of course, shortly after that things began to go sour. A clerical error of sorts rendered the van we were gonna use unavailable until May 6th which really didn’t line up too well with our April 30th arrival date. Equipment the beach. After he laughed and said, and told me to get my shit ‘cause it was got scarce as well, and ultimately, “No, it’s okay, but be careful,” I thanked raining and we were moving because it shows, at one time sorta in place, start- him and told him we’d meet up with was getting really cold and wet. We ed to fall through. It wasn’t anyone’s him tomorrow. We weren’t able to find eventually made camp on the sidewalk, fault necessarily. It’s just how we’ve anyone to stay with at the pub but some- under an overhang beside the club, and always rolled. Hell, in the U.S., where one who worked there was able to get went back to sleep. some cancelled shows are nothing all eight of us on the guest list for an Isis more than a couple days off and an show at a club on the beach that night! extra tank of gas out of your pocket, it Although Phil was way into it, I Day 2: May 1st ain’t no big deal. But in the U.K., with just wasn’t feeling Isis too much. It was no equipment, no shows, no trans- probably just the fact that I hadn’t slept portation, no way to recoup on your in thirty-six hours, but for whatever $500 airfare… well, you do the math. reason, a few of us decided to head But the bold letters that spelled out down to the beach and set up camp “NO REFUNDS” and “NON-TRANS- while I went to purchase provisions. FERRABLE” emblazoned on the tick- When I got back, everyone was gath- ets purchased with the credit card ered around a fire with some Brighton belonging to one Travis Malloy meant locals who had invited Shawn and com- After a really cheap picnic lunch fea- we were going come hell or high pany over when he went to ask them turing weird-flavored potato chips in a water—tour or no tour. where to get wood for a fire of our own. park next to a church, we went to the Unfortunately, I have absolutely no rec- The Hobgoblin for our first scheduled ollection of their names but they were show on our U.K. tour! We totally Day 1: April 30th very friendly people who were killing lucked out and managed to get Buz to time on the beach waiting for an all- put us on a show he booked for The Prior to our arrival, Buz had asked us if night party to start up at the club we Briefs and a band called Spooky from we had a place to stay the first night were just in. So we drank and talked. At Japan. Of course, we showed up with since he would be out of town. I told one point one of the girls mentioned our nothing save Jeff’s guitar and a bag him we’d manage something. We spent that she’d “offer up her flat if it wasn’t of pedals and cables. Thusly, we set a good part of the afternoon trying just such a mess.” Considering our current about trying to wrangle something to that, but failed to find hostels or cheap lodgings, I don’t think we would’ve use with which we could eek out a per- hotels that weren’t booked solid for the cared but we were having fun so we formance for the good people of day. I called Buz, but since he was in didn’t really pursue it. Brighton. Fortunately, there were some London with The Briefs, there wasn’t Normally, this would have been the really nice bands from the area playing much he could do, so I asked him if end of day one. But it wasn’t. Shawn that night (The Bad Fucks, The Ass there were any laws against sleeping on woke me up out of a deep, deep sleep Rockets, and another band that I can’t

“Backstage” at the Brighton Beach Party (l to r) Russ, Shawn, Jeff, Travis (deli tray inside sleeping bag) 65 (l to r) Drunk and Spitting, Drunk and Number One, Drunk and Screaming, Drunk and Happy, Drunk and Drunk for the life of me remember) who were Australian dudes about their trip and to about an hour or so, we ended up at the more than happy to help us secure the find out what made them so intense, but other First Choice where we filled out necessary instrumentation. The noise they left before I got a chance. all the necessary paperwork. They we followed up with didn’t go so bad brought the van around and showed us and The Dukes sounded good as well. some of the finer features before we We all got some free BBQ off the patio Day 4: May 3rd got in. Travis is an experienced van out back and set up to watch Spooky driver and we figured it best to have and The Briefs. Scott almost got his ass him tackle the whole driving on the kicked by a bunch of Australians who other side of the road issue. So, I sat in were visiting to celebrate the anniver- the passenger seat (which would nor- sary of the Battle of Gallipoli1. He acci- mally be the driver side seat in the dentally shook a table that had one of U.S.) on the way back over to Buz’s their beers on it and it almost spilled; the shop. I kept freakin’ out and tellin’ consequences of such being that one of Trav to move over toward the other the Australian dudes grabbed him by the side so we didn’t sideswipe any parked shirt and threatened his life. Keep in We got a van today! Holy shit! Tour! cars or kill any pedestrians. He kept mind, these were big, scary Australian We walked down to the Choice Rentals tellin’ me that the roads were too nar- guys who were visiting, presumably to place by Nick’s house where they row. Then we broke the passenger side somehow rub it in the face of a country informed us that we would have to pick mirror after clipping a construction whose actions sent tens of thousands of it up from the Choice Rentals on the dumpster. Whoops. It still worked; it their countrymen off to their deaths. other end of town. No problem. Me, just didn’t look so good anymore. We Dan, who had befriended them earlier, Travis, and Dan set out to the other made it back to Buz’s shop without fur- was able to smooth the whole thing over side of Brighton and agreed to meet up ther incident. and Scott remained here with us among at Buz’s shop later. It was a pretty hefty By the time we got out of town, we the living. I wanted to interview the walk but no one seemed to mind. After had almost managed to master navigat-

1. This was a really fucked-up campaign to capture a Turkish penin- of casualties resulting from the campaign played a significant role in sula that took place in WWI. Soldiers from Australia and New Australia’s and New Zealand’s movements for independence. The last Zealand were sent to face the brunt of the assault from the Turkish song on The Pogues’ Rum, Sodomy and the Lash is about a guy who defenses and suffered horrendous casualties. In fact, the high number loses his legs in that battle..

67 We pulled into Liverpool in the late after- noon and after some difficulty, finally found Heaven and Hell. The club had an upper level, Heaven, and a lower level, Hell, and this night we would be playing in Heaven with Flamingo 50 and a band whose name has eluded my memory. We met Matiss, who had set up the show for us. He explained to us that, when he made the flyer, he made sure to put “FROM THE U.S.” next to us and the Dukes so no one would think we were making fun of the soccer riot. In Brighton, we found out there was an incident at the Hillsboro Stadium in Liverpool where ninety people died when a section of the stands collapsed during a soc- cer game some years ago3. Considering that Jeff, Travis, and Phil played in a band called The Dukes Of Hillsborough, we were a lit- tle concerned that we might get our asses kicked by some crazy football hooligans. Matiss assured us that we probably would- n’t get fucked with, but just in case he indi- cated on the flyer that we were ignorant Americans. Liverpool is a tough city; sorta like the Detroit of England. The only differ- ence being everybody here is polite and sounds like one of The Beatles when they talk. No joke. In fact, the only trouble we got from the locals that night was an inci- dent wherein Dan got called an “orange bastard” by some random dude while he was using the internet booth4. Nobody Russ versus something boiled then deep fried. knew what that meant, but Matiss said it

ing the roundabouts2. Nonetheless, I still creepers, and expensive beer, Bath did- was probably a religious thing which did- feared for my life on the narrow roads n’t have much so we slept in the van. n’t bother Dan any. and the idea of driving through the hills The show that night was a pretty at night wasn’t much of a stellar idea. damn good one as far as I was concerned. We weren’t far from the town of Bath. Day 5: May 4th It sucks I can’t remember the name of the We didn’t know anything about Bath, first band that played because they were but Scott’s little book said it was a big really good and when we found out it was tourist spot so we thought we might be only their third or fourth show it was even able to find a hostel or something to stay more impressive. Flamingo 50 was totally in. We should have been a little bit con- amazing. They were also kind enough to cerned when the van stalled and we had let us use their equipment for our shows. to coast into a parking lot behind a It was only our second show in the U.K., school or something in Bath, but of but everything went well and folks course being the idiots we are, we didn’t seemed to enjoy both bands. think much of it. It was time to see what Bath had to offer. Aside from snobs,

2. Roundabouts are these big circles you use to turn a corner instead of 3. There’s actually a memorial dedication to the victims of the inci- actually just turning the normal American way—don’t ask me why they dent in the liner notes to the Pogues Peace and Love CD. This is the use ‘em (the only reason I can think of is that you don’t necessarily second footnote I’ve written that refers to something The Pogues have to stop, you can just yield instead), but our first attempt at moving have done. through one was scarier than The Exorcist and a successful maneuver 4. They have the internet in booths over there. The future is here for by Travis was met with resounding applause from all passengers. England. It’s like Doctor Who! Still waiting for the future in the U.S. 69 Travis embracing his inner Bon Jovi. Travis

ized my passport, wallet, and keys were We saw a propeller from the Lusitania. Day 6: May 5th in my camera bag. I was on the verge of We rode one of those double decker intense frustration until someone found buses. We ate Moroccan food. We wan- them stashed in one of the merch bags. dered around Chinatown (Liverpool I guess the thief or thieves were polite gots one of dem too). All in all, it was a enough to remove them before full day. We also tried to go a museum absconding with my camera bag. Like but it closed early (everything over I’ve mentioned before, they certainly there closed early). We also went to the weren’t short on courtesy over there. largest Anglican Cathedral in the Matiss filed a report with the police world. They started building the sucker for me while we tried to figure out what in something like 1902 and finished it Needless to say, morning came a little to do with our day off. Originally, we in 1970! It was immense! The security later than usual. Travis came in shortly were supposed to play a show in guard told us that they hired a young after everyone was just up and asked, Edinburgh, Scotland, but it fell architect to oversee the project in hopes “Does anyone know why a bunch of through. We threatened to go up there that he’d live to see its completion and our shit is underneath the van?” and check it out any way, but we made that a lot of money was donated by rich “Whatdya mean?” the wise decision to spend the day in folks in an attempt to “hedge their bets, “I mean there’s a bunch of shit Liverpool instead. It was really unfor- so to speak.” And right-wing conserva- under the van. Jeff’s guitar, the bass tunate that we couldn’t make the trip tives are worried about the future of Nick gave us, and some other shit. And but with a tight budget and a van of Christ in our society! Seems pretty one of the doors is open.” questionable reliability it didn’t seem fuckin’ solid to me if they’ll spend mil- Yep. Someone broke into the van like a very prudent venture. Instead, we lions of dollars and the better part of a the previous night whilst we were get- spent the day wandering around century building a house for him. It’s ting wasted and passing out. They went between various tourist type attractions also amusing to note that one of the through just about everything, but only in Liverpool. We went to the Cavern priests invited Travis to participate in took my really nice camera. No CDs, Club where Lemmy Kilmeister saw the mass to which he responded, “No no instruments, no other personal Beatles play5. We went to an old cathe- thanks, I’m Catholic.” affects. My stomach sank when I real- dral that got bombed out during WWII.

5. I know The Cavern Club is better known as the place where the ry as far as I’m concerned. He watched John Lennon leave the stage Beatles played their first show, but Lemmy saw the Beatles play a lot to punch a guy out when he called him a queer. It’s in his autobiog- of early shows there and that is often overlooked piece of rock histo- raphy White Line Fever if you wanna read it! 71 but it sorta sucked having to carry all times these things do take awhile and Day 8: May 7th of our equipment and merchandise standing in the rain got old and my with us. Fortunately, the dudes in the frustration over trying and failing to We pulled up to the venue and ironed out collective were there to help us out. We sightsee something other than those all the kinks in our now-crumpled bodies got another killer deal on train tickets, god damned rocks (Stonehenge) built and went inside for a beer. Andrew had thanks to group discounts, grabbed a to a fever pitch, so I snapped and said taken the liberty of preparing some beans quick bite to eat, and said goodbye to “Fuck all… I’ll meet you guys at The and rice for us. Of the shows we had the dudes in the collective before we Windmill later,” and took off for booked on this tour, this one, with a line- headed down to the platform. The ride Westminster Abbey to get all smart up consisting of Blocko, Driveway back to London was nice and I stopped and shit. Speeding, and The Swords (who, to reflect on the different modes of although I hadn’t heard before tonight, transportation we had utilized on our were really amazing as well), was the tour thus far. Airplanes, vans, taxis, one I was most looking forward to and it and, now, trains. It was certainly the didn’t disappoint. The bittersweet part of first time that any of us had ever gone the whole night was the fact that this was from one show to the next by train and Blocko’s second-to-last show. I also it was definitely living up to the jokes finally got to meet Mates, who was not we had made prior to leaving about it only a super nice guy, but also looked being billed as the “Dukes Of like an older version of Shawn and Hillsborough Tim Version U.K. Public played the drums. Odd, no doubt. Mates Transportation Tour 2005.” I’m sure also told us that his buddy Sean Forbes that Steve Martin and John Candy said he could get us a show at the would be proud. Day 11: May 10th Windmill in Brixton if we wanted. When we got into London, we left “Sean Forbes?” one station for the other to catch the Normally, this would be a boring little “Yea… Sean Forbes.” tube out to Picadilly Circus where anecdote about how we went to the air- “Like the dude who did Rugger Jamie, Lindsey, Tara, (all significant port and flew home and so ends the Bugger Records6 and played in Wat others to Travis, Shawn, and Scott, story, but I’m a fucking moron. I got up Tyler?” respectively) and Shannon (another early and got a wild hair up my ass and “Yea… he’s right famous he is,” friend of ours) were waiting. The plan decided I was gonna head to the Tower Mates responded with a dry, sarcastic was for several of our party to fly to Of London and play tourist before I humor that many Britons are known for. Ireland and spend a few more days just met up with everyone at the airport. So thanks to Sean and whatever ille- hanging out and relaxing at the back The only problem is that I didn’t both- gal activities he had performed to get us end of our trip. When’s the next time er to double check as to what time the on the bill, we had another show! The you’re gonna be in England, right?! We flight left and, for as much as I enjoyed bill was already filled up with got to Picadilly station and got forced visiting the Tower, it wasn’t worth the Chixdiggit, The Griswalds7, The out into the rain by some guy selling exchange I had with the desk attendant Dangerfields, and The Random Heroes newspapers while we stood on the cor- at Gatwick International around 12:30 (whom we had met in Brighton), so he ner waiting for Travis to get hotel room when she asked me where I would be couldn’t get the Dukes on, but he had accommodations together with the heading to today. secured a spot for us to open up the show ladies. You see, we’ve learned through “Tampa, Florida by way of with a twenty minute set. Certainly, good experience, as I’m sure most touring Detroit,” I said. enough for us! Thanks Sean! bands have, that if you’re gonna get a “Tampa, Forida?” hotel room, you only send one guy up “Yes ma’am.” to take care of business whilst the oth- “Not today you’re not,” she Day 10: May 9th ers stay hidden, lest they try and slap responded. extra fees on you, or worse, force you “What?” This was a hangover morning for cer- to get an extra room when there’s a per- “That flight leaves at 1:15.” tain. We eventually got everything fectly good floor just waiting for you in “I though it didn’t leave until 3:30!” together, though, and the dudes from the one room you were going to get. “No, 1:15.” the Derby Collective offered to walk us We weren’t sure if that was how it “So, it’s still here and I can still down to the train station. It was about a worked in the U.K., but we weren’t check in and make it!” mile or so walk. I don’t mind walking, gonna take any chances. But some- “No, I’m afraid you can’t. We

6. Best known for releasing many Leatherface and Snuff records that would be playing with a band named for the family from the I can’t find anywhere. National Lampoon’s movies based on all the shit that had been 7. At the show, Shawn pointed out that it was appropriate that we breaking on our trip. 73 require that you check in for internation- miracle that we didn’t miss any shows. al flights at least an hour ahead of time.”8 Hell, we even wound up with an extra one! Timeline Looking over what I’ve written here, I sup- The Tim Version and Dukes Of pose one might get the impression that this Hillsborough UK Public Day 12: May 11th whole escapade was a disaster, but it was- Transportation Tour 2005 n’t. I’ve read enough stories and talked to Take 2. I was paranoid as hell about enough people to know we coulda had a lot April 29th: Left Tampa, FL missing my flight, so I left for the air- worse of a go of it than we did. Sure, a lot April 30th: Landed at Gatwick Airport port around 8:30 AM. After I checked of shit broke and went wrong, but it all outside London. Took train to Brighton. in, I did some shopping and bought went wrong in the best possible way. I Drank on beach. Slept on beach. some postcards. Afterwards, I gave my mean, we never got stranded anywhere, May 1st: Played a show with The Bad Ma a call to let her know I was on my nobody had a bad time and, most impor- Fucks, The Ass Rockets, Spooky, and way home and to get some addresses for tantly, nobody got hurt. You only have to The Briefs. Met Captain Sensible— my postcards. stop and think of The Exploding Hearts to not only not very sensible, but proba- “Hey Ma.” put all that in perspective. That’s not to say bly not even a captain. “Russell? Are you home yet?” it wasn’t hard at times. I was tired for a cou- May 2nd: Tried to get a van. Failed. “No, I missed my flight yesterday, ple weeks afterwards and all the family Hung around Brighton. Watched but I got it changed and I’m leaving in a business and grief surrounding the loss of Frankenhooker with Nick. couple hours. Should be home later my Grandma didn’t make my recovery any May 3rd: Tried to get a van. tonight. I’ll call you when I get back to easier. Succeeded! Drove to Stonehenge and the States.” That’s also not to say it wasn’t the most then to Bath. Got my hat stolen by a A brief period of silence followed financially devastating tour we’ve been on. creeper. a sigh. In addition to losing hundreds of dollars, May 4th: Drove to Liverpool. Played “Russell, I don’t know how to tell Buz ended up getting charges totaling over a show with Flamingo 50! you this,” my Ma continued. $1,000 in import fees for all the shit we sent

“Tell me what? What’s goin’ on?” over there. We assumed the charges May 5th: Got our van broken into and “We lost your grandmother the because we couldn’t let Buz get screwed. had my camera stolen. Walked Monday after you left town. She died Travis was able to cover it and we’re still around Liverpool. peacefully, but we all talked about it and paying him back, but that’s all just money. May 6th: Drove to Middlesborough. decided that it would be best if we did- I can also say that I’ve never had more Played a show with The Dauntless Elite n’t tell you until you got home. We did- stolen from me in such a short period of and The Mercury League. Van broke n’t want to ruin your trip.” time as I did in England9. Regardless of down. Greg and Dan from The Mercury “Oh,” was all I could muster. how bad or good we’ve always had it, I League towed us to Sunderland. “Are you okay? I’m very sorry.” have a foolish, compulsive, and ungrateful May 7th: Said goodbye to the van. “I’ll be okay.” tendency to complain and whine a lot when Greg from The Mercury League After I got off the phone, I looked at things don’t work out just so. But the fuck- drove us to Leeds. Played a show the postcards I’d written. I looked at the ing experience of the whole thing reminds with Blocko, Driveway Speeding, one I’d written to my Grandma without me why I’d do it again in a second. and The Swords. the address on it and dropped it in the Because when you stop and think about it, May 8th: Got free cab ride to Derby. mailbox. I cried like a little girl all the I suppose it all just comes down where you Played a show with The Atoms and way through security and half of the set your expectations (one could infer that The Dauntless Elite. Got drunk for way back home. When I got back to are expectations must’ve been set pretty Travis’s Birthday. Tampa, my young lady was there to low!). So, true. We may be a bunch of May 9th: Took train to London. Played meet me. I hugged her for a long time unorganized, alcoholic, stubborn idiots, but a show in Brixton with Chixdiggit, before I said anything. it doesn’t change the fact that all of us good The Griswalds, The Dangerfields and friends, spent almost two weeks in a place The Random Heroes. we’d never been to before, saw bands we May 10th: Missed airplane because Post Tour Epilogue would have otherwise never seen, had I’m an idiot. Played tourist the rest of Type Thing some amazing experiences, and met and the day. hung out with some downright incredible May 11th: Successfully flew on air- So, barring a few mundane details, that’s people, the likes of which could only serve plane back to Tampa. how it all went down. I suppose it’s a small to bolster one’s faith in humanity.

8. Turns out the plane sat on the tarmac for a couple hours before it 9. List of things stolen: my hat, my camera by the nicest thieves ever, left so I coulda got on, but the bitch behind the counter was still and a soccer jersey I bought for my friend Jeff that disappeared from gonna be a bitch whether the plane sat there or not. my bag while I was at the airport. 75 Top fives RAZORCAKE STAFF

Jenny Moncayo Top 5 Songs Designated Dale 1. Toys That Kill, Top 5 Krusty Merch Kreations “Bomb Sniffin’ Dogs” Buttertooth According to KISS 2. Riverboat Gamblers, “Don’t 1. Bauhaus, In the Flat Field 12” 1. The KISS coffeehouse. As Bury Me…I’m Still Not Dead” 2. Neurosis, Souls at Zero CD if it isn’t bad enough seeing 3. Dirtbombs, “All My Friends” Amy Adoyzie 3. Archers of Loaf, Starfuck’s descend like locusts 4. Carrie Nations, “Girlfriend” Junk I’ll Miss While in Chinky Icky Mettle CD upon the earth, KISS thought 5. The 101ers, Chinky Chong Land 4. Dillinger 4, Vs. God it would be grand to open a “Keys to Your Heart” • Buddies, Pals and BFFs. Girl 5. Brainiac, themed coffeehouse down in talk, dumb talk, and punching Bonsai Superstar CD Myrtle Beach, So. Carolina. Jim Ruland each other. Laughing so hard 2. The Ace ‘N’ the Box. Ace 1. Pedro punks drinking all our guts want to explode. I Chris Devlin Frehley plays “Shout It Out the booze at the Toys That love ya’ll f’realz. Top 5 T-shirts I Wore in the Loud” as he jumps out Kill record release party. • Biking in Portland. To the Last Two Months. (This was of his box. 2. Dave Guthrie pogoing to Belmont library. To house easy since I only wear five T- 3. KISS cycling shirts. I know the new Riverboat Gamblers shows or a corner booth at a shirts. Thanks to Todd and what you’re thinking: “Holy record at his own wedding. bar. To cheap movies at the Megan for pointing that out.) shit, those smanly looking 3. The new Riverboat second-run theater. 1. Flipside, “Too stupid to spandex/lycra shirts that some Gamblers record. • Beer. PBR and Sparks. With quit, too high to care.” bicycle enthusiasts wear?” 4. The psychobillly dude from friends and strangers. With 2. The Hot Snakes, Yes, and now they’re made Rigor Mortis who gave my coozies and vomit. With danc- “Audit in Progress.” sporting KISS album covers. truck’s dead battery a jump at ing and passing out. 3. Grabass Charlestons, 4. KISS Army leather vest. It’s Union Station. • Baking. Holy Shit! cookies, “Summer 2005.” going to cost you almost 400 5. Rumors of a Blood Bath Can’t-We-All-Just-Get-Along 4. Dirtnap Records American to show your gulli- and Beyond tour on MySpace. muffins, and Solidarity Squares. 5. Flipside, “Too stupid to quit, bility, I mean, allegiance. • Butts. All of ‘em. too high to care.” (This one has 5. I wanted to use the 5th spot Jimmy Alvarado a picture of Wattie on it.) to wag the finger of shame at • Bloodhag, Hell Bent for Aphid Peewit Gene for taxiderming the car- Letters: Righteous racket in • 4130, The Webster Sessions CD Daryl cass formally known as KISS reverence to the written word. • Out With A Bang, • Abi Yoyos, Mill Valley and taking it on tour. • Killing Joke, Hosanna’s from I’m Against It 12” • Stovokor, live the Basements of Hell: A well • Murder Junkies finally com- • Coast to Coast with Donofthedead placed steel-toe to the eardrum. ing to Minneapolis. George Norry • Tragedy, Nerve Damage LP • Final Conflict, Ashes to • Jake Byrd segments on the • Sparks Plus • Victims, Ashes: Where Fenders Jimmy Kimmel Show. • Bent Outta Shape, “Backwash” Divide and Conquer CD Ballroom nostalgia meets • “MySpace” shirts for sale at • AFI, lyrics that remain frustratingly Hot Topic. Denise Orton Decemberunderground CD topical two decades later. 1. New Mexican Disaster • Destruction’s End, • The Coup, Pick a Bigger Ben Snakepit Squad, Don’t Believe CD Prepare to Die! LP Weapon: Heavy funk grooves 1. Marked Men, 2. The Ergs!, • Adolescents, The Complete laced with lyrical landmines. Fix My Brain LP Jersey’s Best Prancers CDEP Demos 1980-1986 LP • 6/6/06: Like getting a second 2. Flamingo 50, Tear it Up CD 3. J. Page, Halloween this year, but with- 3. Bayonettes, 7” Goodbye Chapel Hill CD Jennifer Whiteford out annoying midgets 4. Army Of Jesus, Book Bomb 7” 4. Pink Razors, Scene Suicide EP 1. Bellrays at Beachland Bar extorting candy. 5. Drinkers Purgatory, CD 5. Sir Prize Fighter, in Cleveland Beat It to Live CD 2. Pretty Girls Make Graves, Elan Vital 3. Pony Up!, Make Love to the Judges With Your Eyes 4. Patti Smith, Easter 5. Camp Radio, Self-titled

“I can’t laugh or be offended when the gold they’re grabbin’ turns to lead, and the more they get, the more they let it weigh them down.” The Tim Version, “Stale Coffee” Megan Pants Mitch Clem Norb • Marked Men, Fix My Brain Five Records I Listened to 1. Marked Men, • Fuckboyz, Will You Still While Illustrating this Issue’s Fix My Brain LP Love Me Tomorrow CD Nardwuar Column 2. Little Killers, • Toys That Kill, Shanked! 1. Randy, Randy the Band A Real Good One CD • Mind Controls, Self-titled 2. The Queers, 3. Brimstone Howl, M-60 EP Joe Evans • The Ergs!, Jersey’s Best • Modern Machines, Love Songs for the Retarded 4. The Tough and Lovely, Prancers CDEP Take It, Somebody! 3. Avail, Dixie (reissue) Born of the Stars LP • Lemuria/Kind Of Like 4. Nob Dylan and the 5. Buzzcocks, Flat-Pack Spitting, You’re Living Room’s Mike Frame Nobsoletes, Positively 12 Philosophy LP All Over Me • Young People With Faces, Stiff Dylans • Modern Machines, Self-Titled CD 5. Knockout Pills, Self-titled Rhythm Chicken Take It, Somebody! • The Coup, Pick a Bigger 1. CF-98, Enjoy • None More Black, Weapon CD MP Johnson 2. Call Me Lighting, The This Is Satire • Drive By Truckers, Blessing • Olga Tanon, the queen of Trouble We’re in... • Armalite, Self-titled and a Curse CD merengue music 3. Being back in America, • Neckers, • Rollergirls (in competition land of real truck stops! Love and Infection CD with Breaking Bonaduce, 4. Being back in Wisconsin, Julia Smut 1. The 1967 Riley Elf MkII • Public Enemy, Dog: Bounty Hunter and I’m land of real cheese and beer! 2. The New Beach Alliance Rebirth of a Nation CD with Busey for best reality TV 5. As dorky as this 3. The Shadows series ever.) sounds...WI-FI. 4. The Cheifs Miss Jenny AngeLILLO • Osaka Popstar and the 5. The South Bay Surfers 1. The Flash Express and American Legends of Punk, Ryan Leach Andre Williams at Self-titled 1. Miss Alex White and the Spaceland (5/6). • Ignite, Our Darkest Days Red Orchestra Kiyoshi 1. The Swallows have come 2. Smiths Night at Part Time • Masters of Horror: Cigarette 2. Black Time Burns, breathtaking and inar- home to make bird babies. Punks (5/21). Heterosexual 3. The Fall at the guably John Carpenter’s best So faithful. guys with ironic haircuts try- Knitting Factory work since In the Mouth 2. My boy got choked out. ing to pick up girls by dancing 4. Backside smith grinds of Madness Marcus Aurelio beat like Morrissey. Better than any (skateboard trick) Takanori Gomi. gay bar I have ever been to 5. Lester Bangs 3. The Bronx residency at in my life. Mr. Z Top 5 Most Loveable Punks Spaceland. (free!!) 3. “We’re Gonna be Speedway Randy I’ve Ever Actually Met 4. Ninja Academy residency at Timeless,” Mondays 8-10pm Top 5 DVDs on Repeat 1. Peelander-Z Silverlake Lounge. (Freeee!!!) (Pacific Standard Time) on 1. The Passenger 2. Fly 5. Linda Linda Linda. Sweet www.littleradio.com. 2. Ratcatcher 3. Fleshies Japanese movie about 4. Midlife Crisis at 30, by Lia 3. The Gories on You Tube 4. Killer Dreamer a girl group. Macko and Kerry Rubin. 4. G.I. Joe redux 5. Me moving to San 5. Dick and Jasper of 5. Devo videos Francisco—Thank you Los Citizen Fish Lord Kveldulfr My Five Favorite Records Angeles. It’s been real. It’s been Todd That Rich Winker Taped for fun. But it hasn’t been both... Nardwuar the Human • Marked Men, Fix My Brain Me Back in High School Serviette LP and live. Twice. 1. Pointed Sticks, Waiting for 1. The Wards, Self-titled 7” Miss Namella • Measure {SA}, the Real Thing CD 2. Government Issue, You LP Top 5 Shows to Come Historical Fiction LP 2. Various Artists, Funhouse 3. Angry Samoans, 5. Don’t Knock the Rock • Toys That Kill, Shanked! LP Comp Thing CD Back from Samoa LP Film/Music Festival, June 29- and live. Twice. 3. THOR, Devastation of 4. Various songs by July 3rd at the Redcat at the • Tranzmitors, Some Girls b/w Musculation CD the Bloodbats Disney Concert Hall in Dancing in the Front Row 7” 4. The Nips, Tits of Soho CD 5. Toy Dolls, Idle Gossip LP downtown L.A. • Tiltwheel, live 4. August 3rd, of course the 5. Vancougar, Losin’ It CD next GirlSSkool with the Maddy 1. Daniel Johnston, Early Clorox Girls (back in L.A. Newtim 1. Marked Men, Fix My Brain Recordings, Vol. One CD after two years!), The Atoms, 2. Modern Machines, 2. Marked Men, and more at Little Pedro’s. Take it, Somebody! Fix My Brain CD 3. Savage Republic, The 3. Toys That Kill, Shanked! 3. Derrick Jensen, A Language Chairs Of Perception 4. Sexy, Boma Ye! Older than Words book (Urinals), and Amps For Christ 5. The Ergs, Art of the 4. Burritos! at Safari Sam’s, June 3rd. Underground Singles Series #8 5. The Icarus Project 2. July 9th, Quintron and Miss 7” Minneapolis! Crazy punks unite! Pussycat at The Echo/Part Time Punks. 1. Joan Jett secret show. Enough said. 77 truth, i still can’t stand the shit today. Hey! Person putting If this record still makes your white your reviewable in the urbane ass feel like it’s been given an honorary Harlem knighthood, go mail: full album art is nuts. Me, i’m still trying to figure out required for review. whether or not anyone in his backing band was ever in Too Nice For Pre releases go into Nancy. Whoopee ding. BEST the trash. SONG: “Uptown Hustle” BEST SONG TITLE: “I Don’t Need Mary (Juana)” FANTASTIC AMAZING TRIVIA FACT: A few years ago, i played roulette at the same table as A DEATH IN THE FAMILY: Andre Williams. He kept trying to This Microscopic War: CD take his chips with him, not realizing Frankie Stubbs produced this record that roulette chips stay at the table and you can tell. They have the sig- under penalty of great censure. nature Leatherface sound without That’s actually not the fantastic straying too far into copycat land. amazing part, though: Later that These Australians don’t carve out weekend, i was riding in an elevator new territory but tread well on a with Mr. Williams, and he took a sound that many have tried and fancy to my shirt. It was a standard failed. Samiam and Hot Water Superman t-shirt, except that, instead Music definitely get played in the of being royal blue, as these things van these guys drive around in. Lyrically, it feels like my dad tend to be, it was powder blue. Andre Although this recording has a big, Williams kept telling me that my polished sound, there is still the ele- is yelling at me for getting a shirt was “the bomb!,” and attempt- ment of rawness in the guitar tones. ed, several times, to literally pur- Worth a listen if you like crunchy bad report card. chase the shirt off my back. I would- melodies but are tired of the subur- ––Ben Snakepit n’t sell, and, from that point forward, ban pseudo-angst that harmlessly my powder blue Superman t-shirt swarm the music world today. was known to me as my “Andre –Buttertooth (Poison City) Williams shirt.” Fast forward several music? Not receiving a retail ready with super pissed-off vocals but years, and i am opening up this AGAINST ALL AUTHORITY: The copy of a release sucks! There’s also with a sense of humor! Nothing month’s package of reviewables Restoration of Chaos & Order: CD nothing to look at or read while lis- makes me happier than a band that from Razorcake, which included this The songs have clever breakdowns tening. Isn’t that all part of the expe- doesn’t take themselves super-seri- CD. What shirt, might you guess, and catchy choruses and the CD has rience? –Donofthedead (Hellcat) ously all the time. I mean, there are was i wearing as i opened it? fun cover art, but despite such posi- some topical songs and issues Correct. My Andre Williams powder tive aspects to this album I’m not AGOROPHOBIC NOSEBLEED: addressed, but for the most part it’s blue Superman shirt. Doo-DOO- liking it as much as I liked All Fall PCP Torpedo/ANBRX: CD all just rad fun. Come on, how can doo-doo-Doo-DOO-doo-doo… Down when that LP first came out. This is a double CD, disc one being you not love lyrics like: “Playing –Rev. Nørb (Pravda) Another interesting point to make as a re-issue of the previously vinyl- Super Ghouls and Ghosts/Eat tofu well: kind of like how Hopeless only PCP Torpedo EP, and disk two and Texas toast”? This shit is rad. If ANGRY ANGLES: Records’ Falling Sickness began is a bunch of remixes of what I guess you run a record label, you should Apparent-Transparent: 7” life as a band playing straight up ska are the songs on disc one. If you’re put out this band’s record! –Ben Oh man, this band keeps delivering: and then evolved into something of familiar with Agorophobic Snakepit (Demo) Jay Reatard and Alix from The Lids, the hardcore variety, their label- Nosebleed, you can expect more of if you haven’t heard. Redefining new mates seem to be going through the the same: really fast, computerized ANDRE WILLIAMS: Aphrodisiac: CD wave in good form: sometimes same progression. Save for some grindcore. One of these dudes is in Pravda Records is still around??? I moody, sometimes fast sounds with- horns here and there (just because Pig Destroyer, and his input is really thought they went out of business out pretentious goth or keyboards. songs have horns doesn’t mean the only part of this album that like fifteen years ago! I wonder if They are all business without an inch they’re ska) this album is more akin resembles anything that was even they still have any copies of that of waste, from the poppy title track to AAA’s most recent offerings. Not once hardcore or punk about this. Defoliants EP that Soul Asylum to the haunting “You Fell in” and a sure if you read that as a good thing The remixes sound like a Donkey ripped the “Hang Time” cover idea killer, cover of “The 15th” by Wire. or a bad thing (because let’s face it, Kong game being run over by a train off of. Well, anyway, let the record All of their singles come highly rec- third wave ska was horrid), so take at their best, and Aphex Twin or show that Andre Williams—surely ommended. –Speedway Randy that info as you will and go with Atari Teenage Riot at their worst. the only human being to have played (Plastic Idol) your first instincts. Always. The way the whole thing comes both the Apollo Theatre and the –Mr. Z (Hopeless) together kinda sounds like what Concert Café—has had a fifty year ARMY OF JESUS: Book Bomb: 7” EP watching Tetsuo: The Iron Man recording career; therefore, my opin- This was recorded at the same time AGGROLITES,THE: Self-titled: CD looks like. It gave me acid flash- ion and/or potential endorsement as the other 7” (Prosperity Health Yeah! Authentic rude boy, Jamaican backs and made everything smell does not and should not matter one Finance Wealth) but this one sounds reggae sounds with soul from this and taste like gasoline for an hour or pinch o’ poo in the grand scheme of a million times better, (note to bands: band, based in Los Angeles. The so. This album is cool if you’re in the things. That said, whilst i liked Mr. go ahead and drop the extra hundred recording has the sounds of an old mood for a bunch of fucked-up nois- Williams output for Sympathy et al bucks on mastering your record. It’s reggae record from the ‘70s or a es. –Ben Snakepit (Hydra Head) in the ‘90s fair enough, 2006 finds worth it!) much more in-your-face, Motown record from the ‘60s. If I me finding his voice wholly unre- meaner, and uglier than the last one. wouldn’t have known better, I would AMERICAN CHEESEBURGER: markable at this late date in his lar- They’re still pissed at cops and boss- have guessed that this was an old Demo Tape ynx’s history, and, worse yet, finds es and rich honkies, but they take it a recording. The only give away is Yes, yes, yes, yes, this is the shit! me finding him backed by some ane- step further by unleashing their there are no pops and hisses. Boo! This is the kind sugar papa likes. mic white boy soul/r&b/funk outfit hatred on monetary systems (but you My review copy came with a gener- The dudes that used to be in Athens, to whom WAR (ca. “Spill The still gotta pay for the record), the ic Hellcat sleeve and a label stuck Georgia’s No! have started a new Wine”) and Gladys Knight & The music industry (but they still got the onto it to show what band and track band, American Cheeseburger, and Pips appear to be some manner of records pressed at United), and listing it contained. Another thumbs boy is it fucking perfect. Fast-as- holy grail. I didn’t much care for this Myspace. (How’d you book the tour, down: a CD-R. Most reviewers shit melodic-ish hardcore that type of music when it was on AM guys? On the phone? It’s 2006.) around the world are music geeks. reminds me of Spazz or Charles radio when i was a kid in the early While it’s essentially the same band Why would we endure so much Bronson without all the blast beats, ‘70s, and, to tell ya God’s honest as their other two records, this par-

78 ticular release comes across as too and things that are awesome, samples melancholic and triumphant and songs is the perfect amount of songs preachy and complain-y. I think of some instructional record, and ran- does a damn good job doing it. to record at one sitting—any more Doug should start smoking weed dom noises while they play in the There are pleasant build-ups that are than that becomes a hideous cattle again. –Ben Snakepit (Criminal IQ) background on a few tracks. Vocal peaked and then find themselves call; any less than that is not cost trade offs, as expected from these falling back down, but never too far effective). Amazingly, i found this ARMY OF JESUS: Prosperity Health two, who share vocal duties in their that they’re tragic. The ten songs on seven-or-so-song CD to be almost Finance Wealth: 7” EP other band. The last track throws this album show Band Of Horses to perfect in length; it pretty much Kudos to these dudes for putting out everything out the window and basi- be a band that is quite capable of seemed like i got a full dose of the their own record, even when other cally sounds like a hip hop dub track. handling the dynamics in music that band, yet it was only seventeen- people offered to do it for them. This An actual release is planned—proba- so many bands fail to understand: eighteen minutes long. Huh. –Rev. is a nice slab of pissed-off, mad at bly as this is going to print. I’m inter- loud and soft, fast and slow, intense Nørb (Arsenic) the world hardcore in the vein of ested to hear what that might sound and laid back, etc. At a pace like this, DS13 and Tear It Up, without the like. –Donofthedead good things can only abound for this BAYONETTES: Self-titled: 7” EP bandana thrash gimmickry. These (The Awesome Snakes) duo. –Kurt Morris (Sub Pop) Maddy Tightpants would love this guys are unashamed of their opin- band. They play awesome girly, ions, and boy are there lots of them. BAND OF HORSES: BANNER PILOT: Pass the Poison: CD garage power pop not too unlike They hate Christians, cops, lawyers, Everything All the Time: CD Sounds like the Methadones, or Nikki And The Corvettes, Loli And judges, and all other rich white bad Band Of Horses may not be entirely maybe even Sludgeworth. But with The Chones, or even The Winks. guys, almost to a fault. At times it original and they may not be all vomiting!!! BEST SONG: The pres- Straight-ahead rocking with dirty seems like they’re trying to dupli- together thrilling for most people, ence of “Ever Fallen In Love” kind production and minimalist art cate a classic hardcore feel that they but any band that can showcase a of can’t be negotiated around. BEST (granted, this was the tour-only DIY might as well be a cover band. Still, wonderful mixture of soul-piercing SONG TITLE: “Bender”—i mean, cover I got). This would be right at it fuckin’ shreds and the next time vocals reminiscent of Brian Wilson Bender was way cooler than Fry or home on Rip Off or Teenacide. It I’m mad at somebody I’m gonna put meeting up with Wayne Coyne of Leila IMO. FANTASTIC AMAZ- seems like Toronto is blowing up this on. –Ben Snakepit (BSD) The Flaming Lips has got something ING TRIVIA FACT: I was just with good bands lately, and these special going on. The music that bitching last weekend about bands kids are surfing right on the crest of AWESOME SNAKES, THE: backs these fine vocals is a mixture who put seven or so songs on a CD, the wave. Excellent stuff. –Ben Stupid Demo: CD-R of verdant dream pop and mopey my main point being that if bands Snakepit (Deranged) I thought this was going to be a real- shoegazer guitar riffs. The band can want their fans to take them serious- ly bad demo: a CD-R with no artwork seemingly go from sounding akin to ly (which, shockingly, many do), BEAR PROOF SUIT: Demo CD-R EP or song list. Wrapped around the case slowcore band Codeine on one tune that kinda works both ways, requir- One way to get my attention for a is a printout of a web page. Whoopee! and the next moment coming across ing the bands to take the fans seri- review is to yell, “Hey L.A., did So I read said literature and found out like Built To Spill or The Shins. It’s ously as well, thusly precluding you get that CD yet?” when I walk that this is Danny and Annie of The a strong blend that works behind the them from recording seven or so into a party in a foreign city in the Soviettes side band. A real whoopee piercing vocals and wistful lyrics of songs and attempting to pass it off as middle of a bender, which is how I now! Now I am interested. They’re a this Seattle duo, comprised of the an “album” when everyone and their met (although slightly disturbingly drum and bass combo that play low- core of the now defunct band, ma knows that an “album” is like not for the first time) Ryan fi garage punk that is poppy yet very Carissa’s Wierd. This is great sum- twelve or fourteen songs (although it Poortenga, one of the singers and psychedelic in a go-go kid way. mer music that knows how to prop- should likely be stated that experi- guitar players of Milwaukee’s Bear Adding to this are songs about snakes erly tread the ground between ence has taught me that seven or so Proof Suit. The surest way to hold that attention is to back it up with BLACKTIME: Midnight World: LP two-minute mark, which means no BRAIN HANDLE: Self-titled: 7” EP good music, which Bear Proof Suit Midnight World contains a lot of guitar wanking; 2) their songs are It’s straight ahead meat and potatoes definitely does. Hardcore punk music for being so minimal. well constructed and, frankly, rock; hardcore from Pennsylvania, the land that’s tough without being meat- Sometimes, I stare at the keyboard. 3) instead of dwelling in some faux of Electric Love Muffin and Flag of head, fast without losing precision, There’s only twenty-six letter keys sci-fi universe where metal is king, Democracy, and I like it. You know and tight without being sterile. on it, but I come up with new sen- the chicks wear only loincloths what you’re getting ten notes into the Seven songs (two covers, but it is a tences all the time. With music, on a (actually, that one has its merits, but first song. The menu’s straight for- demo). I’ll be looking for their bass, there’s four strings. A guitar, I digress) and robots have feelings, ward, you order it, and it’s on your upcoming 7” and hoping they play a six. Two drum sticks. And even at its they opt instead to literally sing plate, glad it’s nice and hot, not just basement near me soon. –Megan most primitive and basic, there are biographies in homage of those who reheated. It fills you up: not too (www.myspace.com/bearproofsuit) almost infinite combinations. It’s all write about such worlds in ways that greasy, not too dainty, not art-confus- been done, but does that mean you don’t suck (this time around, ing. I’d put them in the modern com- BILL BONDSMEN: Self-titled: 7” EP deny young souls their time? When Douglas Adams, Poe, Anne pany of Career Suicide, Direct These guys continue to impress with music’s lain so bare—from McCaffrey, Madeleine L’Engle, Control, and the Pedestrians: very seven more slabs of solid hardcore Supercharger to the Reatards to the Franz Kafka, and Phillip Jose interested in resuscitating the early short on frills and long on attitude. Gories to Leadbelly to the Farmer are among the scribes paid ‘80s while not willing to jump down When they really get a good groove Mummies—to Blacktime, it’s kind of tribute); 4) books are cool, and they in its grave to violate the corpse of going, like on “Down with the King,” astonishing; something so naked and obviously love books. That last one old music. Solid stuff. –Todd they come close to rivaling new label raw and old yet new screams at you alone—given that we now live in a (Fashionable Idiots) mates Out Cold’s sheer power. Great like a baby fighting a dinosaur in a world of iPods, laziness, and short stuff. –Jimmy Alvarado (Acme) lo-fi world. The blood and shit and attention spans—puts ‘em in the BRIMSTONE HOWL: M-60: 7” EP screams are real. Proficiency in running for “saints” status. Easily Rapid, floor tom heavy, squawky BLACK BEACH UNION: music is greatly overrated. Crawling the best band that ever rocked a crap (meant in the nicest way, i can Under the Sacred Palms: CD back into the cave, it’s times like library, and y’all muhfuggahs betta assure you). The singer sounds like After the blast and among the ruins in this—when wars are digital and kids recognize. –Jimmy Alvarado he’s yowling thru one of those boxy the rabble, there is no electricity, just look at vinyl records with the same (Alternative Tentacles) mikes that looks like some manner of shredded remains, radioactive seag- expression they’d use during a rectal 1950s automobile adornment, and the ulls, acoustic instruments, tattered exam—that bands such as Blacktime BOMBSHELL ROCKS: guitar player might be in line for this voices, and songs of fights lost but make more and more sense to me. The Conclusion: CD month’s Gary Farrell synapse-fryifi- spirits and traditions unbroken. That’s Great to listen to in the dark, too. These Swedes have been blasting their cation award. Although no one has what I get from Black Beach Union: –Todd (In the Red) brand of Rancid-y streetpunk stuff for explicitly asked me to testify in this gypsy folk music that’s undeniably many years now and I’ve always con- matter, i may, in fact, do so unbidden. punk—gravelly, grave, simple—and I BLOODHAG: Hell Bent for Letters: CD sidered them to be amongst the best at So be it! BEST SONG: “Soulless” find myself lured to it. I want to sit You gotta love Bloodhag. Seriously, it. I’m happy to report that some BEST SONG TITLE: “Bad Kisser” down with ‘em around the burning it’s a law in some states. They’re just things don’t change: lots of soaring FANTASTIC AMAZING TRIVIA barrel and sing along while drinking so friggin’ good that you really can’t guitars and “Hey, Hey, Hey” action. FACT: Each side of this record con- from a jar. For Starvations’ fans, too. help yourself. Sure, they’re essen- It’s cool to see a lot of these types of sists of a really short song followed –Todd (No Front Teeth) tially a burp-metal band, but four bands finding a home on a label that by a much longer song. –Rev. Nørb things make ‘em rise above the seems to be suited to them perfectly. (Boomchick) pack: 1) their songs rarely break the –Ty Stranglehold (Sailor’s Grave) BRUTAL KNIGHTS: side’s a Bob Dylan song (you know, and other tropical tones mixed in weird looks from people for wearing The Pleasure Is All Thine: CD the guy who did the voiceover for with upbeat fun. With a little a Toys That Kill T-shirt, or have peo- Did you ever wonder what bands like Yoda and was recently in Victoria research, I found out that this band ple tell me “The Ergs? No one knows Zeke or The Candy Snatchers would Secrets commercials) and one of the started back in 1989 and have contin- who they are.” That’s sort of what I sound like if they weren’t awful bar two B-side tunes is a nicely muted ued playing even though the popular- like about The Cardinal Sin; this is rock bands? Well, now you don’t and rambling retake on a song, ity of the genre has waned. Very suc- poppy enough that your average ran- have to wonder anymore—you can “Hell’s Angel,” from the Bassholes’ cessful in South America and most dom person won’t just write this off. just listen to this Brutal Knights self-titled album on Dead Canary. likely in the Latin community here, it However, there’s also some record instead. Fast, loud, scummy –Todd (Fistful of Records) is nice to see that the label has indie/post punk overtones, and com- rock with beautifully stupid lyrics, reached out to have this band’s music pared to most of those garbage bands and not unintentionally stupid like BUSY SIGNALS: Can’t Feel a Thing reach out to an even wider audience that worry about “making it,” this Zeke—these are stupid on purpose! I b/w All the Time: 7” by being reviewed here. Me, being band actually focuses on coming up guess the bottom line is whether or Pure fucking electricity. Take the hot, Asian, and being a fan of music sung with good songs. Here I could prob- not you can stomach this kind of stuff crunchy directness of the River City in Spanish, this just tickles me—even ably play this in front of both my at all. If you can, this record is com- Tanlines, the holy-shit-we’re-gonna- though I don’t understand the lan- Mom (and she wouldn’t HATE it) pletely awesome, but if you’re still die-happy-tonight winning-through- guage. Right off the bat, I can tell this and my friends (who would probably nauseous from years and years of bad losing vibe of the Tyrades, and some- band has been together for a long enjoy it). I like this. –Joe Evans III Motörhead plagiary, then the retarded how serve that with a side ice-creamy time. The musicianship is real tight (Grey Flight) lyrics might not be enough to make goodness of Josie Cotton (Wha? I and recorded with professionalism— you like this. –Josh (Deranged) can’t figure it out either, but damm, if professional in a major label sense. CHEAP THRILLS / NERVOUS HABITS: it don’t work, like cotton candy made The production is big. The main Split: 7” BURNING BUSH: with gunpowder.) My only com- vocalist is very soulful and it sounds Look, I’ll freely admit it: I am one of As I Went out One Morning: 7”EP plaint? Too short. Me want more. like everyone in this six piece band those dickheads whose listening Fans of the Bassholes, take note. It’s –Todd (Shit Sandwich) participates in singing. The horn sec- enjoyment is often influenced by rising-steam-from-a-boiling-pot, tion is sharp and precise in their how a record looks and sounds. And assuredly played roots rock. (Think CALZONES, LOS: delivery. The bassist throws down before you roll your eyes and say of John Mellencamp without the self- Frecuencia Extrema: CD some riffs that show he can most “Duh” to that little gem—what I righteousness and the millions, Music geeks love packaging. I love likely play with anybody. The guitars mean is that there are people who are swapped out with hard luck and pot- how well thought out the packaging and drums tie everything together fans of lo-fi production, and there holes, mixed in with the Gories and is for this release: an almost origami and make it whole. I really enjoy this. are those of us who deal with it. I’m tenderness.) This is a side project fea- fold out cover that packages inside If I run across anything else by this one of the latter, and I found myself turing The Gibson Brothers’ Don the CD and its contents. Instead of band, I’m definitely purchasing. unfortunately having a hard time Howland and Reigning Sound drum- the usual booklet for the lyrics, they –Donofthedead (Delanuca) making it through this one. Which mer, Lance Wille. Enigmatically and have individual cutouts the size and totally sucks, because I can hear the exquisitely packaged with an insert shape of the CD for each song with CARDINAL SIN, THE: potential energy and hooks on both in German (?) and a Rorschach an image on one side and the lyrics Hurry up and Wait: CD sides of this thing, like little jewels design silk screened on a thick brown on the other. That is so cool! Self- It makes no difference how many buried in the sonic slag heap. But cardstock cover, there aren’t many proclaimed as ska, I hear so much “punk” bands end up with their own when the entire thing is either buried clues as to the who, what, where, and more from this band from Argentina. prime time specials and make quin- so far in the red that the snare drum why on the release itself. The A- I hear elements of salsa, Caribbean, tuple platinum records, I’ll still get is, like, indenting the vocals (Cheap Thrills) or is so treble-heavy that the swaggering, sneering, mid-tempo remains an amazing piece of work, venting this affliction was lost/with bass is nearly nonexistent (Nervous number called “Premonition.” If showcasing just how tight and cre- the mention of the phrase ‘Um, yassah Habits), it really gets frustrating—I you’re into this kind of stuff, Coco ative the band could be even within boss’/When that phrase was could tell that, given a more inter- Coma’s walkin’ around with some the confines of hardcore’s ultra-fast uttered/many stomachs would esting cover and just a bit more snot in their pocket. You could defi- template. Highly recommended. wrench/some jumped in the Atlantic to evening out of the production aspect nitely do worse. –Keith Rosson –Jimmy Alvarado (Subterranean) escape the stench….” Like Abbie of this record, the chances are really (Shit Sandwich) Hoffman and Jello Biafra (who makes good that I’d have totally dug this COUP, THE: a guest appearance here), the emphasis one. But as it stands now, both of CODE OF HONOR: Complete Studio Pick a Bigger Weapon: CD is more on the “prankster” approach to these bands are doing some pretty Recordings 1982-84: CD In a period in rap’s history when poli- rabblerousing and dropping lyrical decent dagger-in-the-face punk shit, Formed from the ashes of Frisco tics and the art of rhyme has been bombs wrapped in wit rather than ala a more frenzied, simpler and hardcore legends Sick Pleasure, the overshadowed by an almost obsessive angrily railing about what is obvious meaner Briefs or bands of that ilk, remaining members of that band emphasis on bitches, business, and to everyone but the Republican and but there’s just too much fuzz cov- recruited Society Dog’s Jonathin bling, The Coup sticks out like Stokely Democratic parties and the corporate ering everything. Everything’s too Christ after Nicky Sicky bailed and Carmichael at a Pat Boone concert. elite that control them. If you think rap tinny or too hot. I don’t need sitars shifted the lyrical subject matter Boots’ rhymes cover every nook and sucks, you’re just listening to the or quadruple-tracked guitar solos, from crude humor and nihilism to cranny of how the system has failed wrong joints, ’cause The Coup is some but I want to be able to hear the shit, radical-left agitprop. The result was the bulk of the country’s great mandatory listening. –Jimmy you know? –Keith Rosson some great, unique hardcore on unwashed with eloquence and intelli- Alvarado (Epitaph) (Terminal City) their first record, a split with Sick gence that is rare outside of hip hop’s Pleasure. The band’s music on that underground these days. Like similar- CRIMSON SPECTRE / UWHARRIA: CHURCH, THE: record alternated between anthemic minded rhymers like Dead Prez and Split: CD Uninvited, Like the Cloud: CD punk and spazzed-out, wild- Immortal Technique, Boots assumes a Crimson Spectre: Reminded me a lot I bet the singer wears black jeans, a metered thrash, all with Christ call- revolutionary stance, but infuses his of the early period Corrosion Of button-up black shirt, sunglasses, ing for unity, dissolution of the gov- politics with liberal doses of humor Conformity. The weird melding of and has a cigarette in hand at all ernment, and the killing of politi- and a gift for telling a good story, Southern rock with a twisted sense times on stage. Which is kind of how cians. The band’s second album, which, when fused with Pam the of reality added with the hardcore I picture The Plimsouls. Which is Beware the Savage Jaw, featured Funkstress’ funk-heavy beats, gives attack of a raging maniac with wail- also probably why I’ve never lis- the band taking more musical risks new meaning to “Revolutionary ing vocals over a controlled, fast tened to The Plimsouls willingly. and experimenting with their Party.” Although there’s no arguing attack. It’s fitting that this band –Megan (Cooking Vinyl) sound, although the proceedings that he means it when he says “‘Death comes from North Carolina. remained just as angry and aggres- to the Pigs,’ is my basic statement,” he Uwharria: Another band from NC COCO COMA: 7” sive. Both albums, as well as their ain’t about simply rehashing old slo- that seems to have gotten something Spastic garage punk, nestled some- “What are Gonna Do?/What Price gans, and more often opts to make a from COC, but this band has mem- where between The Trashies and Would You Pay” single and an point with a little more finesse: “Some bers that have been in other bands The Motards. Vocals are nicely unreleased track, can be found here, confuse ass-breath with strong halito- like the Blownapart Bastards and fuzzed-out, works well. Super- and much of it stands up, consider- sis/it’s been hundreds of years since its Face Down In Shit. I read elsewhere creepy cover that looks like it was ing the passage of at least twenty- first diagnosis/by the African doctor that someone in this band had a stint drawn by a possibly demented little two years since the last note here Mwangi Misoi/ known in the States as in Oi Polloi. Self-described as “Eco- kid. Liked the flip side best—a was put to tape. “Fight or Die” ‘Mr. Thomas’ Boy’/he found that pre- Thrash,” the lyrics are centered around the environment. Musically, I gotta catch up with his older stuff. Sissies mixed with the folk leanings They’re unmistakably punk and on they sound like a mixture of –Speedway Randy (Plastic) of This Bike with violin, cello, and fire, but they’re also well imbedded Motörhead meets COC. I have a upright bass. Interesting recorded, into soul, blues, and country without vague recollection that I might have DBD: Nobody’s Heroes: CD fun as hell live. Good stuff indeed. betraying the original fighting spirit reviewed something else by this They’re really trying hard to make –Megan (No Idea) of any of those genres. It’s such a band but I didn’t keep it. Pretty cool their mid-tempo punk stuff sound tall order for any band: make con- split. –Donofthedead (Magic Bullet) anthemic, and their songs aren’t DICKS, THE: Pigs Run Wild temporary music that both under- bad, but the whole thing rings just a b/w Hate the Police: 7” stands and undermines their influ- CYRIL LORDS: Motherland: CD smidge hollow. They’re quite adept DICKS, THE: Ten Inches: 10” ences to create something original. A poppy, highly stylized Detroit (via at what they do, but given the fact The 7” says right on the sleeve, And the Dicks have been one of the Ohio) “garage” band, nearly evoca- that they took their album title “Both out-takes from the original very few bands to not only pull it tive of the Smoking Popes. Polished, from a song by one of the most Hate the Police studio session.” The off, but to set it ablaze. What a treat. melodious, and infectious in that anthemic punk bands in history, I 10” is a well-recorded, noisy live set –Todd (Delta Pop Music) college radio way, this mop-top, guess I just expected more. –Jimmy from the Punk Rock Prom from Nehru-collared trio isn’t nearly as Alvarado (SOS) Austin, TX, 1980, featuring one of DISCREET DOLL BAND, THE: communicable as their previous my favorite songs of all time: “Kill Deny Everything + 2: 7” incarnation, The Bloody Hollies. DEATHCYCLE: Self-titled: CD from the Heart.” If you don’t own Man, not sure what they’re going However, the many loyal fans of the Heavy, preachy hardcore that any Dicks on vinyl (or the retro- for here, as the only information on Cyril Lords will thoroughly enjoy sounds like Tragedy. It seems like spective Alternative Tentacles the cover is the band name and song this catchy and well-produced they’re especially mad at “punx” released several years back), it’ll do titles and a highly pixilated photo of album. –Jessica T (No Fun) that don’t think exactly the same you more than a bit of good to get what looks like a young Richard way they do. Musically, it’s pretty square with The Dicks and snatch Simmons smoking a cig. Sounds DAN MELCHIOR: Fire Breathing contrived. Lyrically, it feels like my up this vinyl. Here’s the Cliffs’ like mid-tempo snot rock with Clones on Cellular Phones: CD dad is yelling at me for getting a bad Notes: The Dicks were part of the monotone vocals—they’re shooting I first heard of Melchior as a collab- report card. –Ben Snakepit original embryonic nutrients of for some big riff-rock deal here, and orator with Billy Childish and Holly (Chainsaw Safety) Texas hardcore, whose mutant DNA they manage to pull it off for a little Golightly on various albums, and can still be heard in bands today. while; unfortunately, the songs also that is perfect company to keep. That DEFIANCE, OHIO: Way before codes, rules, and manage to go on about four times term “singer-songwriter” has been The Great Depression: CD instructions made a narrow corridor, longer than they actually should. destroyed by the mainstream to mean I first saw Defiance, Ohio in a small then a box, for much of hardcore, Imagine the Riverboat Gamblers if shitty white guy noodling in the space in L.A. as the last band after The Dicks pushed conventions, of they all had two fingers on each House of Rules. That’s too bad, Toys That Kill, The Bananas, and both the old guard and the new hand, a heavy, heavy Quaalude because here is a man who puts on no This Bike Is A Pipebomb. It’s no spawn. They were a band made of addiction, and the insistence that a image, just writes songs and rocks small feat to follow any of those thugs headed by a flamboyantly gay, verse be played forty times. I know them out. These songs are heartfelt bands (let alone the three of them very left, extroverted, meaty man it takes a lot of work to put out a and melodic, and while you can see together), but they held their own. with a great voice (much like the record, guys, but just because you the link to the Childish-Golightly The room was still filled with kids Big Boys’ Biscuit or Minutemen’s can fit five and a half minutes of scene, this is not a rip-off but a solid shouting, swinging on a rope from D.Boon). It’s liberating, twenty-plus music on each side of a record, it voice. I can hear some good ole the ceiling, and dancing and sweat- years later, to hear that such a wide doesn’t mean you have to. Country Teasers seeping in too. Shit, ing the little sweat they had left. The musical conduit still sounds great. Sometimes less is more, if not in love than at least in choruses, okay? cowboy would get savagely drunk to Back Home kind of took me by sur- tiring the listener), Lifetime (artwork –Keith Rosson (Rich Bitch) before he accidentally shoots himself prise. I was expecting the old Ducky and the clarity of vision), in the pecker while passing out with Boys. I guess the trace elements of Descendents (ain’t afraid to be DRAG THE RIVER: his gun. It’s actually pretty decent in some boot and braces action is there young, smart dorks at heart but still Has a Way with Women: 7” spots (though I could do without the but it’s overshadowed by big pro- shred) and, you, know, great music Some of my San Diego friends have slide geetar on the title track), but I duction and harmonies. I don’t mean that has a long shelf life. I’ve hit been singing the praises of Drag The really don’t think they were tapping for that to sound like a bad thing people’s hands away when they’ve River for years, but I’d yet to hear the right demographic when they sent because this is a damn fine record. If reached to eject the CD before it’s them. I was expecting alt country, but this’n in to Razorcake. –Keith anything, they’ve finally defined finished. –Todd (Don Giovanni) there really isn’t any alt in there to Rosson (Wallride) themselves from the pack. I kind of muddy everything up, thankfully. liken this to how the Swingin’ Utters FASTIDIOS, LOS: From the first song, “This Star,” I DRAG THE RIVER: It’s Crazy: CD changed up their sound, only with- Rebels ’n’ Revels: CD could see I’d sold my friends short. Similarly to the 7”, I like the whole out the Celtic influence. Lots of Italian street punk/ska stuff that is Simple, acoustic country with a voice album, but there are songs that hit me lyrics about the sad state the world is better than most, and I like the “radi- clear and true. I can’t describe it as much more strongly than others (like in these days. My only complaint is cal” slant of the lyrics, but, ultimate- anything less than beautiful. It’s sad “Leavin’ in the Morning” and “Mr. that the vocalist tries to over-sing a ly, this really doesn’t do much for and romantic, but never touches Crews”). The last track is the previ- few notes and it comes off kind of me. Funny, I seem to remember them cliché or sappiness. I have easily lis- ous twelve tracks repeated. Fantastic cock-rocky at times. Well done other being a wee bit more memorable. tened to that one song at least fifty soundtrack to pre-sleeping reading. than that, though. –Ty Stranglehold –Jimmy Alvarado (Mad Butcher) times, and probably closer to a hun- –Megan (Suburban Home) (Sailor’s Grave) dred, to be honest. The rest of the 7” FINAL CONFLICT: Ashes to Ashes: CD follows strongly, but, to me, can’t DRIVER: Ninth Valley: CD ERASURE: Union Street: CD I remember the first time I saw these touch the magic that is captured in Fast, thrashy stuff with funny song Erasure has released this eleven song guys at Fenders way back when I was the first track. –Megan (Wallride) titles (“Lesbian Seahags from Indiana,” album that is acoustic re-workings of still sporting a silly haircut and “Midgets Can’t Surf”) and completely some of their classic hits, and their before this, their first album, came DRAG THE RIVER: unintelligible vocals. –Jimmy Alvarado biggest one, “Chains of Love,” isn’t out. I had previously dismissed ‘em Has a Way with Women: 7” (Lookatme Bumpole) included? Seems like a fucking tragedy as some lame peacenik Discharge The first question that really comes if you ask me. –Kurt Morris (Mute) rip-off, and so was completely baf- to mind: Why was this sent to DUCKY BOYS, THE: fled when Ron began verbally berat- Razorcake? If anything, these dudes The War Back Home: CD ERGS, THE: ing the audience from the get-go. should be vying for a slot on Prairie It seemed that back in the late ‘90s Jersey’s Best Prancers: CDEP BAM! Jimmy’s an instant fan. Home Companion or something— when Dropkick Murphys and CD version of the 12”EP that sold Lyrically and musically, they were resting somewhere in the neighbor- American streetpunk/oi (or whatev- out practically the day it was very much like contemporaries like hood of a passive Rumbleseat and er you care to call it) was hitting its released. No real subtle way to put Iconoclast and Body Count (no, not Springsteen’s The Ghost of Tom stride, the Ducky Boys were every- this: one of the world’s top twenty the Ice-T band, dweeb), with much Joad, this is some morose country where. They were never stand-out current bands puts out eight more emphasis on war, nuclear destruction, and western stuff, acoustic style. It’s amazing, but never a let down. songs and you should get it. For fans pigs, etc., but a more than passing not “alt-country” and is nothing like Many years have gone by and I of: Bananas (pull back the skin and metal influence in the guitar dis- Lucero or bands of their ilk—this haven’t heard a thing about these there’s boulders in the bubblegum), tanced them from the rest. Like a pre- sounds like the kind of stuff that a guys—until now that is. The War Minutemen (tightly wound without vious CD reissue, this includes tracks from a preceding demo, but this ver- me of the New Christs and the end in New England. There’s a pic- Birth of the Cool, is a bit of a mis- sion also includes a couple of cover Celibate Rifles in spots. Only real ture of him on jumping off a bal- nomer, as the shit their peddlin’ is songs from an even earlier demo. low point is the half-assed cover of cony into a pit, he’s trained as a plenty cool. High-octane punk rock The verdict remains the same, how- “Funk #49”: they totally strip the wrestler, and he tends to leave his that doesn’t sound like yet another ever: if you like yer hardcore fast, guts out of one of the greatest guitar shows bleeding. He’s one hell of a Thunders tribute band is what you tight, and political, you can’t go riffs of all time. Bad boogie. Overall, front man, so I was happy to see get here, and they can easily rock wrong with these guys. –Jimmy a pretty solid disc for fans of Hives, him doing something again. Some with the best of ‘em. –Jimmy Alvarado (SOS) Compulsive Gamblers, or The days, I really miss this kind of Alvarado (Last Shot) Maggots. –Mike Frame (Bad Afro) stuff—fast, short, angry, and fren- FIST FULL OF KNUCKLES: zied as all hell. And throwing a FOURTH ROTOR: Plain: LP Live on Tom Paine’s Birthday: CD FLAMINGO 50: Tear It Up: CD Symarip sample and a Bruisers I just don’t get it—when the hell I feel cheated out of the FFOK I’m just gonna come out and say it. cover on there never hurts either. did Matt Freeman start singing for a experience. I’m not a friend of Louise Hanman from Flamingo 50 is –Megan (Even Worse/ Kangaroo) Steve Albini band? Seriously, this theirs, so I don’t know a thing about my favorite singer in the whole sounds eerily like Freeman fronting Karl’s girlfriend Stacey or how she world. Her adolescent-boyish shout FORMALDYHYDE JUNKIES: some bouncy, bass-throbbing punched through John’s window. and thick Liverpool accent spread Self-titled: 7” Shellac cover band or something. Nor do I know the magic of what smoothly over her band’s noisy-gui- These guys are probably sick of Am I off on this one? Does anyone must be their dozens of basement tar, Superchunky power pop to make hearing ‘80s hardcore band compar- else hear this? The rhythm section shows and impromptu party sets. this perfect little nugget, like Oliver isons (so I’ll spare naming names), really owns these songs, while the That being said, I’ll say I can’t fully Twist just after he eats a paper cone but it’s definitely there. It’s mostly guitar mostly plays catch-up or and fairly critique this fairly well of French fries with mayonnaise. in the energy itself more than the offers little high-end alterations. recorded live folk punk record. I Seriously though, this album is awe- sound. So damn energetic, so damn It’s not as particularly heavy as don’t know if that’s what they call some. It’s a little more polished than good. I was lucky enough (thanks to Shellac, but that’s about the only themselves, but I think that’s the their last full length; not sonically, my friend Justin waking me up and band that comes to mind when I term most people would identify but from a songwriting perspective. driving for five hours) to see them think of stuff like this. Needless to them with these days. Fist Full The record is awash in layered gui- play with the Fuck Yeahs in the say, it pretty much went in one ear kids…I want you to put out a prop- tars, Beach Boys-inspired backing basement of the Alamo House in and out the other; the emphasis erly recorded record and tour out of vocals, and an incredible warmth Minneapolis over my spring break, seems to be placed on discordance North Dakota so I can fully appre- that only some magic mixing board and they were nothing shy of amaz- rather than catchiness, and unless ciate the experience. And I’m sure wizard knows how to attain. This ing. –Megan (Fashionable Idiots) you’re some kind of wunderkind it’s an experience. –Stevo (This CD is in ultra-heavy rotation in my virtuoso (i.e. really good at that Could Work) player. I sure hope they fucking tour FOUR EASY PIECES: shit), it’s a genre that rarely moves the states. –Ben Snakepit (Spank, Birth of the Uncool: CD me. I’m all for toeing the line and FLAMING SIDEBURNS: www.spankrecords.com) Two things: 1) their press stuff says trying to present something new, Back to the Grave: CD they are influenced by Johnny until a band reaches the point where Some pretty cool rock from this FOR THE WORSE: Couldn’t Give Two Thunders, The Kinks, and all the each song just sounds like five or Finnish band. Sometimes it veers a Shits about the Kids: LP other usual suspects, but their out- six different, totally random sec- little too far into “Scandaniavian Pretty brutal East coast hardcore put is more ass-kick than rehash; 2) tions strung together. –Keith Rawk,” but the moodier songs like fronted by Mr. Mike McCarthy (A I think the album title, while obvi- Rosson (Southkore) “Black Moon” are great. It reminds Poor Excuse). Mike’s a bit of a leg- ously a piss-take on Miles Davis’ FRANTIC: Attaque of the Grizzlie: LP being a cheerleader nor a dick. Both band that went on to become Hickey. where between the Toy Dolls and First several times I played this, it of these bands have gumption and Do you like Hickey? Then you need Wat Tyler. –Mike Frame (SOS) zipped right by, seeming a little fire to spare. The recordings are a lit- this. If you don’t like Hickey, you’re blunt and nubbed-down. But I didn’t tle shaky, but I hear good hearts mak- probably stupid and don’t like jokes. GOOD NEIGHBOR POLICY: mind listening to it, and kept at it. To ing honest music, and that goes a –Megan (Fast Crowd) Self-titled: CD me, it had that weird honor of being long way. Friday Knight: From All too often I’m trying to explain to a band I like listening to, but always Chattanooga, they sound less like a GHETTO WAYS: Party Down: 7” EP knuckleheads that new hardcore had difficulty placing if I didn’t put band-in-forming, and more like sea- James Brown would approve. Great doesn’t have to sound like shitty the record on. On the outskirts, soned musicians getting used to one bands in this genre are like unex- metal. Now I have the proof. Angry, Frantic’s guitars sound like the another, taking cues from the Carrie pectedly stepping into folks glori- but not screaming vocals. Searing, Tyrades (imagine a cat strangled Nations and Allergic To Bullshit ously having sex out in the open, but but not overbearing guitar. Add a fast with wire) and has more than a pass- (oscillating female/male vocals, and not in a creepy, ashamed, or pathetic and throbbing rhythm section and ing blush to DC hardcore (with the very spacious and dynamic musical- way. It’s visceral: a celebration of you have an equation for hardcore cover of Government Issue and ly. I wouldn’t be surprised if it’s Ivy lascivious noises and gasps for success. GNP should be required lis- more barking and talking than singing). Panty Shanty: The record- breath and moans that aren’t usually tening. –Ty Stranglehold (Lorelei) singing). Then I discovered some- ing and the songs themselves just heard in general public. Like the thing on the tenth spin. You know all sound a little too muddy—with the BellRays and the Jewws, the Ghetto GRABASS CHARLESTONS: those records that say “Play loud!” occasional sparkle. Like unsuccess- Ways don’t sound like a cheap porno When the Funk Hits the Fan: 7” just to look more exciting? Well, fully panning for gold in dirty water, put-on of “clap yer hands!” “boo- I don’t think it will come as a surprise Frantic’s true power is discovered at the songs themselves are repetitive. I gie!” or “testify!” but of that undeni- to anyone that Grabass is pretty heav- higher volumes, and that revealed have the feeling that once they find a able full-body sweat music that’s ily ingrained in the rotation at something I hadn’t picked up on at shiny nugget or two of a song, they, wrung out of a dirty T-shirt at the Razorcake HQ. Number One, they’re first: they seem to be channeling themselves will begin to shine. end of a set and splattered onto the some of the Best Dudes Ever. those recently released Adolescents –Todd (Plan-It-X South) floor, of shattered glass and steel- Number Two, they write songs that demos. What it lacks in fidelity it bending guitars, of rolling train acknowledge the shit and the gains in punching you in the ear FUCKBOYZ: Will You Still Love Me drums and bass, all accelerated by a drudgery of life, but somehow man- while making you want to sing along Tomorrow?: The Fuckboyz Story: CD lady vocalist who sounds like a age to leave me feeling damn glad to to it. Post-it note attached to the This is a collection of all of the gospel singer belting out songs of be alive. And finally, they put out front says it features members of Fuckboyz releases, along with a the damned. Like the finest of great music, but it’s a music that’s Beat Beat Beat and The Carbonas. bunch of previously unreleased liquor, comes in a brown bag (but pretty hard to categorize. They play –Todd (Die Slaughterhouse / tracks. It covers a pretty wide range of stenciled). –Todd (Wicked Singles) really, really well and you can tell Douche Master) styles, which might be hard for some that a lot of thought goes into their people at first, but stick with it GOLDBLADE: (dare I say it?) musicianship. Is it too FRIDAY KNIGHT / PANTY SHANTY: because it’s the range that makes it Punk Rockers in the Dance Hall: CD slow too be punk? Too raw to be Split: 7” EP impressive and keeps it fresh after Goldblade play street punk with a rock? You can go ahead and waste Sometimes, when I’m writing repeated listens. If you don’t find rockin’ undercurrent. Pretty solid your time classifying them if you reviews, I hope bands realize that I yourself singing along to and fairly well written songs. One want—I’ll be busy dancing. –Megan see their potential and raw talent, and “Rock’n’roll Problem,” there’s seri- song appears to be about Ghostface (Barracuda Sound) these reviews are my two cents of ously something wrong with you. Oh, Killah from the Wu Tang Clan. encouragement while neither just and for the record, Fuckboyz is the Overall, their sound falls some- GRACER: Voices Travel: CD HARAM: Self-titled: CD Manikin meet Lost Sounds. I was Manic Ears, The North Atlantic There’s a guy I work with who is just Oh shit, this is cool! A really nice sur- fully expecting driving oddrock— Noise Attack comp double LP. I dumbfounded by the fact that I don’t prise. Judging from the fact that this which they deliver. I wasn’t expect- wanted to hear more from that like 311 or half a dozen other bands he is on Lovitt and some of the dudes ing the atmosphere and flourishes. recording session. Now I get to. As I loves. “They’re such talented musi- used to be in Page 99, I can only This rubbed me completely the right suspected, the songs are pure blasts cians.” To which my response is: “I assume that this band is from NOVA way… and I didn’t know I needed the of thrash with hints of crossover due don’t give a good goddamn how tal- (that’s Northern Virginia to you non rubbing. –Todd (Shit Sandwich) to it being of the late ‘80s time peri- ented they are. They’re not playing East-coasters) and they definitely od. Having a major role in the for- anything I want to hear.” Chuck Berry carry the Fugazi banner with pride. I HERESY: Face up to It!: CD mation of such genres as grindcore plays three chords and I’d happily lis- hear some Drive Like Jehu in here Here is one record that has eluded and power violence, they were one ten to those three chords for three too, but it’s total early ‘90s Dischord me for years. I passed on it a few of the speed kings. I have heard sto- hours than hear some asshole territory. These guys are talented times during its initial release. I ries of Napalm Death and Heresy in noodling around being “talented” for musicians who work together well. vowed to come back and purchase it their early days having battles at three minutes. Gracer are talented The music is well written and multi- at a later time. But that time never shows to see who can drum the musicians. It’s just three guys and I’m dimensional, and I’m definitely came and I never saw another copy fastest. In this recording session that sure if you see them live there’s a gonna listen to this a lot. Oh, and I again. Ten plus years later, I have bid has been remastered, you can hear minefield of awesome pedals and read on the promo sheet that Jeff on a number of copies on the evil that they were influenced by fancy lights all over their amps. But Kane is in this band now! Hi Jeff! eBay and have been outbid by col- American bands like Siege and DRI. they aren’t playing anything I want to –Ben Snakepit (Lovitt) lectors who have money to burn. Their change in sound was less hear. At nearly five minutes a track I Last year, the reissue label Discharge and more like the latter should be able to grab on to something HEADACHE CITY: Self-titled: CD Speedstate out of Japan released the mentioned bands. Like Holland’s here. The kindest thing you could say I had expectations, but I wasn’t quite second part of the Heresy trilogy and BGK, they sounded very American. is that it’s “epic” indie rock. It drags ready for how slithery and juicy quickly sold out. A re-press was But that was not a bad thing. Hearing on and on, pulling you through what Headache City is. It’s like their songs announced but never seemed to see these songs for the first time, with sounds like out-takes from The Postal have Vaseline’d up Slip-n-Slides in daylight again. But the great folks at the exception of the title track, with Service and/or Death Cab For Cutie the middle of ‘em: vlooop, songs just Boss Tuneage have come to my res- the manic and rapid speed drumming catalog, and a lot of deep, emotional, quirt by. It’s just so “jazzy,” too. Not cue! As soon as I heard that BT was and the aural blur of the guitars, gets poetic, schmaltzy lyrics that never hit jazz-ish, but so palatable and unique. releasing it, I sent an email into me charged up. I can’t wait for their mark. If I could remember a sin- It’s a double head scratcher that when Razorcake HQ to see if I could have Volume 3 of this discography series. gle one of these songs I’m sure I the songs are taken out of the context dibs if a copy came in since the label Reading the liner notes, those wouldn’t be shocked when I heard it and sequence from the album: consistently sent in review material. recordings are the ones they are the in the background of a particularly they’re nicely weird universes into Luck would have it that a copy had most pleased with. If I like this, I emotional scene on One Tree Hill or themselves. It’s like a puzzle where come in and was already assigned to know that one is going to make me The Gilmore Girls. Revelation every piece is its own mini picture, me for review. Yes! Why do I care? into one happy music nerd. Records… I like you a lot. We’ve had but when they’re all interlocked, Well, I was a partial fan. I bought a –Donofthedead (Boss Tuneage) a lot of good times but I’m watching there’s something definitely larger to copy of the Never Healed flexi and you guys. The path tread by Victory hear that’s presented by the length of the split LP with Concrete Sox. I HIDDEN CHARMS: Records and this sort of crap is paved the album. I’m fully aware that I’m enjoyed their track on Earache’s The Square Root of Love: LP with thousands of shifted units but it’s stretching here, but it’s like The Grindcrusher comp. But my favorite Take Dean Dirg (let’s hit stuff and a dark one. –Stevo (Revelation) Fuses meet early Bauhaus meet was Face Up to It that was on the scream), The Hives (cocky swagger, but, Jesus, they can rule), add a lead and screaming that sounds like the ence that plagues so many bands in I OBJECT: Teaching Revenge: CD singer that hasn’t quite figured out vocalists are coughing up sweater- this genre. The lyrics veer more Female-fronted ‘80s-style hardcore, his meds, mix ‘em up, give ‘em silly sized balls of fur. Not every day lis- towards the “personal politics” side heavy on the messages. I’m guessing haircuts, get ‘em stinko drunk, have tening, but well pulled off. –Todd of things, but there are a few that they’re coming from a vegan, them dry hump barely bar-legal lass- (Trigger-on-the-dutendoo) deal with the stereotypical “edge” straight-edge, anti-establishment es, touch a keyboard on occasion, subject matter. Not bad for what it is. stance, which is all well and good. I pull out switchblades, trip, and fall HOOKS & THE DAGGERS: –Jimmy Alvarado (Third Party) just have never been into being over them while doing a stupid trick This Is Ballroom Thrash: CD preached to. I’m from the camp that that costs an eye, and that’s what it This album showcases what is good HOSTILE COMBOVER: if you’re using your songs to get a sounds like. Pretty much. Fight your with music, punk, and sarcasm. This Storklord: CD-R message across, that’s fine. If you friends. Puke where you sleep. Roll album has some of the best song This San Diego three-piece band is a have to write an explanation as long over so you don’t choke to death. titles, lyrics, and wittiness around. bombastic blend. Imagine early as the song to explain that message Teeth are overrated. Snort the pave- The album starts out with “Fuck You Amphetamine Reptile bands, like (or if live you give an introduction ment if the drugs fall. You know: Punk This Is Ballroom Thrash,” the Cows meets Fugazi or Nation Of the length of the song), then you’re healthy depravity because the which blatantly proclaims their hate Ulysses on a bus that Drive Like really not using that song as a tool prospect of getting old really sucks. for publicists, the music industry, Jehu is steering off a cliff: intense for the message. If you want to stand I think they have a song that goes, and generic fashion. Other clever- with the loudness the early under- on a soapbox and preach, go ahead, “She’s a wombat,” too. (I love wom- ness that I applaud is “It’s 9:11, Do ground ‘90s perfected. For refer- I’ll walk by. If you put it in a song bats.) The record comes with a sten- You Know Where Your Rights ence, a hostile combover is what you and let it stand on its own merits as ciled paper bag so you can be an Are?”, “Self-Proclaimed Anarchists get when you mess with indigenous such, I’ll probably listen. –Megan anonymous accomplice during their Are Usually Just Douche Bags,” people’s land, i.e. the Native (Alternative Tentacles) live show. It’s retarded fun that (and I can’t help but love when peo- Americans. “Ain’t no joke, brother,” could have easily come out of ple are referred to as douche bags) as these guys say. This seven song I WALK THE LINE: Portland, but hails from Germany. “The Rain on My Car Is a Baptism,” gem was recorded by Gar Wood of Desolation Street: LP –Todd (Alien Snatch) “Sterilized (I Think You Should Rocket From The Crypt. Definitely This is what happens when you Be)”—which has amazing schizo- worth seeking out. –Buttertooth judge a record by its cover—you HOLY SHIT: Jazz Phaze: 7” EP phrenic yet harmonized vocals on (Self-released) look at it and prepare yourself for Real solid, smartly aggressive, fuck- the chorus—and “Botox Disaster some Poison The Well or Thursday with-you hardcore that’s channeling (Another Dead Yuppie).” And the I AM LOVED: Self-titled: 12” clone, which really isn’t that great of the spirit of Flipper and Saccharine lyrics are just as good as the song From what I understand, I Am Loved is a thing, but also isn’t, like, anything Trust (make your audience pay— titles. The music reminds me of a a band that plays spastic, harsh music in to lay on a knife over. Then you play and not monetarily—for showing severely sped up Soviettes with a between bands at shows. Their the record and realize you’ve been up), laid down and stretched apart dude singing, but hitting some music—drums and guitar—is purely woefully, tragically misled—you’re on the rack of the Minutemen charming high notes. –Jenny improv and features a singer who, now subjected to a full-length LP (they’re intricate and driving when Moncayo (Moodkiller) while not singing any actual words, can that’s drearily mired in a kind of they choose), which puts them in make a wide variety of noises with his Interpol-meets-the-Cure-in-a-coun- contemporary league with the HOSTAGE SITUATION: voice. I feel the insert sums it up best try-bar half-lit kinda world, where AbiYoyos and 400 Blows. Self-titled: 7” EP when it states, “Guess you’d have to be everyone exclusively smokes cloves Intentionally disjointed but held Super speedy straight edge stuff, there.” I guess I would have. –Daryl and vampires may actually exist. together by fuzz, herky jerkiness, thankfully short on the metal influ- (Trigger-on-the-dutendoo) The title of the record’s pretty fit- ting; there’s definitely a sense of bar- 45 you found from a geezer’s collec- KILLING JOKE: Hosanna’s from the called Christian rock, and it is indeed renness that permeates this album, tion of lost, smooth, catchy rock that Basements of Hell: CD a funny one. From the Chick but that doesn’t really excuse the fact he used to pick up girls with, I would Nearly thirty years down the line, Comics-inspired cover to songs like that it’s also, well, terribly wimpy believe you and give you money for Killing Joke continues to kick ass and “Father Bingo,” “‘E’ Is Still Evil,” leaf-tumbling rock music. –Keith it. –Speedway Randy (Shattered) take names. On their latest, the band and “What Part of ‘Thou Shall Not Rosson (Combat Rock) sticks to the basic formula that made Kill’ Don’t You Understand?” to the JAY REATARD: them famous: a monstrous, grinding little Jesus fish included for the car INVISIBLE SURFERS / Hammer I Miss You: 7” stew of punk, metal, industrial dance; bumper, these guys have their bases LOS KAHUNAS: A love song to hammers that is heavy as fuck yet wholly danceable if covered. Musically, it’s Bay Area Waves of Reverb, Sea of Fuzz: CD straight-forward cool (title track), a one is so inclined. Although their diver- garage rock, which means it’s loud An instrumental surf split CD featur- Reatards style rocker on the mild side sions into other territories over the and trashy. Can’t wait to see if they ing Greece’s Invisible Surfers and (“It’s So Useless”), and a real tight years have been interesting at worst, it manage to get themselves a live spot Argentina’s Los Kahunas. Los rocker (“All Wasted”). Less trash is this aspect of Killing Joke—that on KTBN. –Jimmy Alvarado Kahunas take their textbook cues than Reatards, more straight rock booming behemoth that lilts melodies (Alternative Tentacles) from the Ventures, while the Invisible than Lost Sounds, nobody disap- at you while threatening to devour you Surfers are a bit more maverick, like pointed. –Speedway Randy (Goner) whole—that has always left one with a L.I.D.: Still Hasn’t Gotten Weird Dick Dale or the Trashmen. Good sense of awe and a realization that Enough for Me: CD find overall. –Jessica T (No Fun) KILL YOUR IDOLS / MODERN LIFE IS music can be a powerful thing, indeed. Lower Island Dealers have been a WAR: Live on WLUW: Split 7” EP –Jimmy Alvarado (Cooking Vinyl) Victoria mainstay going on thirteen ITCH, THE: Kill Your Idols: I’d never given this years now. You’d think they’d have The Courage to Be Hated: CD band a chance before because whenev- KITTY AND THE MANGES: put out more than three records in Really cool picture on the cover. er I see people wearing their shirts they Joey’s Song: 7” that time, but hey, good things come Really terrible music inside. Well, always look like jocks and date rapists, As the name implies, it’s a 7” from to those who wait. It’s a solid collec- that’s not fair; it’s the vocals. I mean but damn if this isn’t some solid pissed- The Manges from Italy, with Kitty tion of punk rock that’s reminiscent seriously, The Itch, have you not lis- off, melodic hardcore. Maybe I should Kowalski singing. Three pop punk of something between Fear of a tened to him? He’s pretty awful. And stop judging bands by the way their songs, including one song each from Punk Planet-era Vandals and the music’s decent without it (there’s fans dress, as I am definitely gonna the band and Kitty, plus a Cyndi Musical Monkey-era Guttermouth: actually an instrumental intro that’s check out some more Kill Your Idols Lauper cover. If you’re into pop songs that simultaneously come off decent). I’d say unless you’re prac- stuff when I get a chance. Modern Life punk, there’s no reason you wouldn’t witty and somewhat retarded. Songs ticing at his house, using his van, Is War: it’s weird because both sides of like this, especially considering the about beer, weed, and food never and borrowing his equipment, get this record were recorded at the same effort It’s Alive puts into its records sounded so good. –Ty Stranglehold yourselves a new singer. –Megan show on the same radio station, but the (this record alone came on colored (Foam Cell) (Wee Rock) MLIW recording sounds like shit. One vinyl, and included a free poster). ho-hum tough guy original and a crap- Awesome. –Joe Evans III (It’s Alive) LAUGHIN’ DOGS: JACK OBLIVIAN: Black Boots: 7” py cover of “Nervous Breakdown.” The Death They’ll Give You: CDEP The Memphis legend with Jeff Meier Yawn. ATTENTION ALL BANDS! KNIGHTS OF THE NEW CRUSADE: Just when you thought you’d heard on bass and Mark Sultan on drums— We’ve heard Black Flag before, you A Challenge to the Cowards of the last from any of Austin hardcore’s two songs that show the soul beneath can’t do a cover of theirs that’s better Christendom: CD old guard, this bad boy rears its ugly the rock continues. If you played this than the original, so don’t try. –Ben By now most of the underground head. The little note they included for me and said it was some cool old Snakepit (Lifeline) knows this band is a piss-take on so- says the band features former mem- bers of The Offenders and Poison DENG-DENG at skull-crushing vol- ry and looked superb on paper, but from the “Let’s Have Some 13, and there is a definite nod to the ume pulling the right half of your the harsh reality of the matter is that Goddamn Fun” compilation—rolls former sound-wise, in that this is brain right, and these kinky-haired, THIS RECORD SOUNDS around, it doesn’t sound like that straightforward, rough’n’tumble leather-lunged vocals cracking your WRONG, WRONG, WRONG (note song you already know (and are sick hardcore with political lyrics. Good cranium right down the center; it is clever Fastbacks reference)! I mean, of) off the compilation, it sounds stuff. –Jimmy Alvarado (Ding difficult to listen to the album with- i have to really strain to pick the gui- like THE MOST BRILLIANT Dong Ditch) out experiencing some delightfully tar and bass out of the echoey sonic THING EVER. I dunno, man. I’m incapacitating manner of potentially muck here; both those instruments still a big fan and all, but, two LILLINGTONS, THE: lethal head trauma. Needless to say, should be battering my external albums in, i have yet to be shown Death by Television: CD the release of the follow-up album occipital protuberances like crack- conclusive proof that this band is A remastered re-release of the Panic was an event fraught with high lev- addled cherry-tree-chopping hatch- anything other than a one-album Button original. The Lillingtons els of both anticipation and anxiety. ets in the night! I mean, fuckin’ A, affair. “A Kind of Okay One” is a were one of the few bands that Fat My first impression, after spending the BASS keeps the time in this more fitting album title. Better yet, Mike openly laments he muffed up about ten minutes trying to get the band, not the drums. That’s impor- “An Okay One (While Dean’s on not signing to Fat. It’s ball-bear- EQ right in my car (and nearly run- tant because the guitar and the Away).” Snicker. BEST SONG: ing tight pop punk that works like ning multiple organisms off the vocals often get accentuated by “Annie Can You Keep a Secret” some sort of flu-like, invisible infec- road) was What the FUCK is Dean being a little bit behind the beat, and BEST SONG TITLE: “Annie Can tion of catchiness, and has some of DOING??? I mean, after doing such the drums more or less ape the gui- You Keep a Secret” —whoops! I the best spooky lyrics this side of the a whiz-bang job producing the first tar/vocals. Therefore, if you want guess that song’s just called “Annie” Misfits (chopping up humanoids, album, one would think that Dean the Little Killers to sound like the now. Okay, “Finger Pie” then. FAN- putting them in a sack, and running Rispler® would know that, on any Dirtbombs (in an abstract sense), TASTIC AMAZING TRIVIA them over with a van, x-ray specs, given Little Killers recording, the you gotta beef up the BASS, not the FACT: I know both Dean and Jim. phantom maggots {the titles are usu- drums are the third dog in a three- drums. So, anyway, yeah, this record –Rev. Nørb (Gern Blandsten) ally the chorus to the songs}). I dog race. Fourth dog in a four-dog fails to effectively attack me in the loved this record when it first came race if you count the vocals. Fifth manner to which i have been accus- LONELY CHINA DAY: Self-titled: CD out and am happy to report that it’s dog in a five-dog race if you count tomed. And while, heck yeah, there Wait, mellow electronic indie rock aged well. –Todd (Red Scare) the lyrics. And here, wayward Dean are a number of decent blasts herein, sucks in Chinese as much as it does has somehow lost his mind, and their presence is somewhat offset by in English? The language of craptas- LITTLE KILLERS: mixed the drums all front and center, a ghastly amount of slow songs, tic has gone international. –Megan A Real Good One: CD like he’s mixing a Dirtbombs album which seem to get almost unbeliev- (Tag Team) I don’t recall you asking, but, had or something! Quick scrutiny of the ably slower as they plod along. I you, in fact, asked, i would have liner notes indicated the problem: mean, “Been So Long” starts slow, MACHINEGUN BLUES: gladly informed you that the Little The record was not produced by and gets markedly slower at multiple Self-titled: CD Killers’ debut LP has been my Dean Rispler®, but by superstar pro- instances in the song, to the point I like Kings Of Leon. Big deal! You favorite album released in the past ducer (and Dirtbombs drummer, where i find it hard to believe that wanna fight about it? I don’t know if three or four years, easily. I mean, ahem) Jim Diamond! Now, Jim anyone could have left the studio in Machinegun Blues like them too or you got these taut Telecaster wig- Diamond is a cool dude, and a great good conscience thinking the song if they coincidentally have the same outs pulling the left half of your producer in his own right, and i’m was anything other than godawful, ‘70s rock influences. Honestly, if brain left, this crazy militaristic bass sure Jim Diamond producing the which it is, blatantly. I mean, when someone told me this was a Kings going DENG-DENG-DENG- Little Killers sounded great in theo- “Annie Can You Keep a Secret”— Of Leon demo I’d fully believe them. I’ll be goddamned if the singer this record before I plopped it on the Would’ve loved a bit more originali- MECCA NORMAL: The Observer: CD ain’t got a handlebar mustache, too. turntable. “More On the Outside! ty, but it does hammer the ol’ I never really got Mecca Normal. None of this is to be misconstrued as More!” I didn’t get what I’d expect- eardrums quite nicely as is. –Jimmy With this album I continue to not disparaging comments. This is only ed. And was rewarded twice as much Alvarado (Crimes Against Humanity) get them. Yet I feel like I should a four song EP and it’s doing its as I thought I’d be because here is a like them because they are job… it’s making me want to hear a band—much like the Riverboat MEASURE {SA}, THE: Canadian and because Jean Smith full length. The hand-sewn cover is a Gamblers in this respect—that lives Historical Fiction: LP was apparently the one who coined nice touch, too. –Stevo (Not Bad) so much inside their own heads that Progress comes when old solutions the phrase “riot grrrl.” But this is they’re always a good twenty songs just don’t quite work anymore. the kind of album that I will never MARKED MEN: Fix My Brain: CD ahead of their listeners. They see and Bands that realize this very simple listen to again. I don’t like songs The Marked Men are hands down, hear more in their songs than I ever idea can excel at making great that are really just long poems set to without a doubt, the best band in could. They obsess, self-criticize, songs. The Measure {SA} sound music with no choruses, hooks, or Texas. This new album is a bit of a push and, in the end, where most concerned with the past, but they structure. Perhaps this makes me departure from the first two, but not bands are happy making their music push it back: to the background, as shallow, or simple, or something. I in a bad way. It’s much more along be the equivalent of another shanty a backdrop, and, ultimately, a really just want music that makes the lines of the She Won’t Know sin- in a tent city ghetto, the Marked Men springboard. And then they take me excited and happy and this does gle released late last year. It’s still are making an entire universe (from center stage and play their own neither. –Jennifer Whiteford (Kill the good old Marked Men that we all magma to atmosphere to inhabi- songs, brightly and powerfully. Rock Stars) know and love, with the nice mix of tants). And this is what makes me so Although I hear passing points as Jeff’s gooey melted-cheese vocals simultaneously happy and sad. far separated as the Pogues, METHADONES, THE: and Mark’s more angular voice. The Happy that anyone reading this Discount, and Bent Outta Shape, 21st Century Power Pop Riot: CD only real difference here is the review can pretty easily get a hold of Historical Fiction is very far from a This CD is chockfull of covers of absence of the prominent sixteenth- these songs that’ll make you fuckin’ mess of gifts, poorly wrapped obscure and one-hit wonder songs note high hats that have become jump for joy. Sad, because around someone else’s notes, but a from the ‘70s and ‘80s power pop somewhat of a novelty in garage douchebags play to douchebag- complete and utter surprise that phenomenon. It’s simply delish. My rock these days. Great production, lovers by the millions and can live reveals itself slowly with each addi- favorite track to have on repeat in minimalist artwork, expertly crafted off of their music while the Marked tional listen. It’s complex without the car has to be “Back of My songs—just go fucking get this, it Men all have to keep their day jobs being obtuse, melodic without arti- Hand,” a Jags cover. So friggin rules! –Ben Snakepit (Swami) and risk losing them to just go on ficial sweeteners, sincere without great. The songs feature cameo tour. Open solicitation: if you don’t the “I like Jawbreaker. I like appearances from members of MARKED MEN: Fix My Brain: LP like the vinyl (keep your CDs) after Converse. I ride a bike. Hug me. Dillinger Four and the Copyrights, My favorite bands create their own three plays, I’ll pay you for it, Coffee!” pitfalls. The entire record among others, and an amazing guest universes and the Marked Men are including shipping. –Todd (Swami) plays like it’s holding you close lead vocal performance on one of my favorite bands. Sure, there while dancing and singing in your “Goodbye to You” by Annie of The are gravitational pulls from other MÄSSMÖRD: ear. Neck and neck with Fifth Hour Soviettes. This album has me sources—bands that loom large on Inget Liv/Ingen Död: CD Hero’s Not Revenge… for coming amped. I can’t wait for the the horizon like The Ramones—but These Swedes serve up pissed-off completely out of left field and Methadones to hunker down and get influence is secondary to the Marked political hardcore with loud guitars, handing my ass to me. –Todd (Don back to writing original tunes. Will Men’s own output. It’s weird. I knew driving beats, Nausea-styled Giovanni / Salinas) someone offer these guys a multi- exactly what I was expecting from male/vocals, and bilingual lyrics. billion dollar deal already? We MUST ensure the actualization of a MISS ALEX WHITE AND THE RED musical hero worship or stylistic rip impressed by how much I liked Taco large discography... and making it so ORCHESTRA: Self-titled: LP offs. The best thing that Modern Life Blessing. I got an earlier recording of Schafer and the boys can focus on Imagine a less-amped and groove- Is War has going for them on this Take It, Somebody, and didn’t take it and get paid to write music is the locked BellRays and that’s a good record (apart from its inherent musi- out of my headphones for over a only way possible! Fuck those indication of what to expect from this cal seamlessness and power) is the week straight. And that may have American Idol finalists. The winner record. It’s more atmospheric, fact that vocalist Jeffrey Eaton is pen- been the problem. When I got the is the Methadones... who’s got the moody, and restrained—the water- ning some of the best lyrics I’ve read official release, I listened to it a few contracts? Step up motherfuckers! shed is definitely concerned with in fucking years regarding class times before putting the earlier –Mr. Z (Red Scare) showcasing Ms. White’s stellar issues, the Iraq war, small town eco- recording back on because some- voice—but the power’s not muted. nomics, desperation, hope, and thing felt slightly off. There were a MIND CONTROLS: Self-titled: CD Sort of like the Detroit Cobra’s gig more—and he’s in a hardcore band, few times on the final recording that Every now and again (though not (which I like, as well) and mid-peri- and he’s pissed off but you can hear it feels a little too thought out (like in nearly enough) a band comes along od Stooges. It’s something your par- every goddamn word he’s saying. Ten some of the vocal inflections), that you love from the first note. It ents may like, and I say that in a points right there. So when you cou- whereas on the earlier session, it just finds a place among your other diplomatic, “Let’s find some com- ple smart, engaging, furious, and dis- feels organic. It’s still a damn fine favorite records and refuses to budge. mon ground so I don’t have to listen cernable lyrics with music that is record that I’ve been listening to Mind Controls don’t seem to be in to U2’s Christmas album and feel like unremitting, merciless, yet also so (and will continue to) steadily, I just danger of leaving my rotation for a killing you all” thoughts during the goddamn hook-laden that you’ll have prefer it with a little more rawness. very long time, but (and probably holidays kind of way without you, a hard time doing anything else but –Megan (Dirtnap) because) they’re a hard one to nail yourself, gagging or feeling like a listen to the record when you put it down. There will be a hint of The tool. –Todd (In The Red) on—roll all that together and you’re MOMENT OF YOUTH: Undertones (like the opening of the coming close to what this band has Sometimes: 7” EP album—especially in the drums) in MODERN LIFE IS WAR: Witness: LP accomplished with Witness. Easily They claim to have started out as “an one song, and then a hint of the New There are many, many things in this one of the best records put out this incredibly authentic Teen Idles car- York Dolls in another, but at no time world that I don’t understand: how year. –Keith Rosson (Lifeline) bon copy,” but I hear more Youth does it feel like that hint is anything the pyramids were built, correct syn- Brigade (DC) than anything else in more than that: a mere tip of the hat tax of the French language, where MODERN MACHINES, THE: there. Heavy guitars, thrashy to some possible influences without babies come from, and how five Take It, Somebody!: CD rhythms, mostly personal lyrics—this ever coming near imitation. Mind totally disparate individuals can man- The Springsteen comparisons are is some decent noise here. Controls have taken elements from age to get together and make a record bound to follow these guys. From the Supposedly limited to three hundred what I can only imagine is a pretty that’s both this searing and punishing opening Nebraska-reminiscent har- copies, so all you collector jerk-offs impressive record collection to build and also this consistently fucking monica wail to the way that they better start scrambling. –Jimmy something that feels fresh and new. catchy. Modern Life Is War somehow combine pop hooks with a blues/ Alvarado (Firestarter) Neighbors and roommates be manages to utilize the operatic, mid- blues-influenced rock base, the simi- damned because this has been tempo hardcore template that bands larities are there. They tour constant- MOTORS, THE: 1: CD cranked for a month now and I don’t like Tragedy and From Ashes Rise ly and put on a hell of a live show. As MOTORS, THE: see me turning it off any time soon. have perfected over the years—but people, I’m quite fond of them, and Approved by the Motors: CD The best record of the year so far. they’ve also built on it, expanded on as a band, I think they’re getting bet- MOTORS, THE: Tenement Steps: CD –Megan (Dirtnap) it—the last thing you’re going to find ter with each record. I liked Thwap! Truth be told, “Airport” from on Witness is anything resembling I was surprisingly and pleasantly Approved by the Motors was the only song I’d ever heard from these guys, fest. If you’ve heard Plow before, Fans of the Obsoletes/Yesterday’s that’s had more than its share of pint- and that was only ‘cause Steve Jones you know what to expect as he does- Kids will find a lot to like here as scarred champions. (Youth Brigade’s played it recently on his Jonesy’s n’t change it up much. For the unini- well. One of the all time great band “Old Man Bars” is a great example of Jukebox radio program. So, yeah, my tiated, Mr. Plow is the bastard child logos as well. Chalk up another clas- a contemporary band hitting this sub- experience with this band has been of Raffi and GG Allin (a fact that I’m sic Canadian band to take the torch ject right.) Chalk it up to a song that quite limited. Here’s what I’ve man- sure I’ve mentioned before in these from the Pointed Sticks, The if it had different lyrics, it’d get aged to deduce: they were a late-‘70s very pages). He plays songs that Modernettes, Chixdiggit, and played much more. –Todd U.K. pub-turned-new-wave band best sound as if your child would be Teenage Head. This is the record of (Puke’n’vomit) remembered for the aforementioned stoked… until the lyrics kick in, that the summer without a doubt. Love “Airport,” which apparently still finds is. This time out he slays MSN, emo, and Infection is a classic record! NEW BRUISES: itself featured in the odd commercial Ted McGinley, gay skinheads, and –Mike Frame (Self-released) Transmit! Transmit!: CD now and then. My impressions of their all the usual sucking and fucking I saw these guys in St. Pete, FL the music are they started off as pretty that’s fit for acoustic accompani- NEON MANIACS / night before The Fest. They had eight much your average pub rock band and ment. The second half of the disc has TORCHA SHED: Split: 7” hundred guitars until I sobered up kinda veered more in a 10CC direction a smattering of remixes of older Neon Maniacs: Huh. The lead singer momentarily to see they had three, (at least that’s what I’m hearing) and songs with a full band that sound kinda lilts, like the lead singer of the which still seems like a lot to me. by Tenement Steps the tunes could’ve great, too. If you’ve got a sick sense Parasites. For a pop punk band like They continued to play every show easily fit into a Broadway show with a of humor, it’s worth checking out. Parasites it’s not so weird, but for a every day of The Fest, or maybe it little rearranging. Sounds like I’m –Ty Stranglehold (Crusty) punk band that claims to play “elec- was only once or twice more, but it totally slagging ‘em off, I know, but tric tones that will shake your bones,” seemed like they were everywhere. they are quite good at what they do, MUDHONEY: while singing about zombies, the Maybe I should have paid more even if I’m not feeling the “new wave” Under a Billion Suns: CD singer’s voice sounds so sunny. attention because they sound like vibe from this. “Crazy Alice” rips in Psychedelica and old-style hard rock When they sing, “They’re going to they’d be really fun live. –Megan fine pub rock fashion, though. –Jimmy dominate this release. The more you eat you,” the result is more attacking (Kiss of Death) Alvarado (Captain Oi) listen, the flatter it sounds. Some of a bowl of Count Chocula and less the political lyrics are very similar to The Return of the Living Dead bad- NOFX: MOUTH SEWN SHUT: those of well-known anti-Vietnam ass chainsaw a zombie dog in half Wolves in Wolves’ Clothing: CD Pandemic=Solution: CD War songs (especially on track five, action. Not bad, just disarming. I was I’m not going to blow air up your ass. Rough’n’tumble, angry thrash here, not “Hard-on for War”). The resem- expecting more puss, ooze, and lar- I cannot say anything original that unlike label mates Toxic Narcotic. blance completes the ‘60s feel of the vae. Torcha Shed: “Meet Me in the hasn’t already been said about this Lyrics are topical and occasionally mis- album, but doesn’t do much else for George Bar” starts off promising band. I have total respect for them. anthropic, and there’s a weird ska/reg- it. –Chris Pepus (Sub Pop) with warbly sirens of guitars veering They stuck to their guns and do what gae undertow to some of the songs that into to the listener, cutting through they do. If you like them, you already keeps things interesting. Not bad. – NECKERS, THE: pub noise, and providing a nice off- own this. I would like to see Fat Mike Jimmy Alvarado (Rodent Popsicle) Love and Infection: CD balance quality that’s woven through grow his Misfits devil lock again like A-M-A-Z-I-N-G! Mid-tempo poppy the entire song. It’s got a tension when he was in high school and he MR. PLOW: rock’n’roll simply does not get any much in the vein of Cock Sparrer and was just called Mike. Oh, yeah! I like Chairman Plow’s Little Red Book: CD better than this. If you are a fan of the the Partisans. Musically compelling, the CD. –Donofthedead (Fat) Vancouver’s favorite acousticomedy Real Kids and The Devil Dogs, you but the lyrics are ehhh. Punk rock master is back with another laugh- are gonna be in bliss with this one. about pubs: it’s musical territory NONE MORE BLACK: awesome thing. Your new band can my neck and kick the chair out with album of Japanese anime mixed with This Is Satire: CD struggle all it wants but it’s going to my legs because I want to fucking die overly produced bubblegum pop I was waiting for a wow factor. But I get sucked right in to that hole. today,” and, “So night after night I’ll punk with an early ‘70s feel to it and was not bowled over. I can’t find Sometimes though, you start another be staying up late. I’ll be fighting off some covers thrown in. anything bad to really say. I was not band with some guys and call it the shakes and puking out the win- –Donofthedead (Misfits) moved. The songs are catchy and Fugazi or in this case None More dow repressing things you can never they are a great continuation from Black and you can pull away. You know,” make me want, on one hand, PERSUADERS: Forced to Fuck: CD their last release, File Under Black. can live alongside that black hole to give the guy a hug and make it all One of the most p-r-i-m-i-t-i-v-e As the wind changes direction, so and sometimes even out grow it. This better. But, on the other hand, if it bands I’ve ever heard: dirty punk does my interest meter. I feel it is a is Satire is where None More Black ever was all better, would they still be rock in the fuzz gutter like you release that has to have multiple lis- effectively pulls away. This is where writing these amazing songs? I’d wouldn’t believe. New Orleans tens under my belt before I decide to people will cease to predicate discus- hope so, but, since I don’t know total rejects King Louie, Jason write it off. There is variety and also sion of their band with Kid them, I’ll take the sorrow for the “Panzer” Craft (who now make up familiarity. The vocals have the stan- Dynamite ever after. This is also the songs. The only thing I have nega- Kajun SS), and Shaggy made a full- dard gravely growl. The production first perfect record of 2006. tively to say about it is something I length and some 7”s in the ‘90s— is top notch, as with most of the Fat Emotional but with a sense of humor. realized the first time I saw them they are all here, plus unreleased releases, with everything sounding Pop punk but with enough long hairs play: The song “Hospitals” is so tracks. You can’t be this totally raw bright and bold. Maybe speed and to make it fucking rock. I’d go so far close musically to Toys That Kill’s without some misses on the anthol- more aggression is what I needed. as to say Jason Shevchuk is right up (who were also playing that night) ogy, but there are incredible static –Donofthedead (Fat) there with Jeff Pezzati and Glenn “Two Billion Bastards” that I thought classics like “Savage” and “Left for Danzig in his mastery of the “whoa- they were covering it in homage to Dead,” too. Hurry up and order NONE MORE BLACK: oh” and he’s at the top of his game. them. –Megan (Rock Bottom) from the label and you can get their This Is Satire: CD Some people might consider the Live and Shattered CD too, record- You hear that? It’s the sound of the “whoa-oh” to be a cheap trick, a sub- ORDER OF THE VULTURE: ed live in Feb 1999. –Speedway bar being raised. You see that over stitute for insightful lyrics. Those Self-titled: CD-R Randy (Shattered) there? That’s the high water mark people are fucking cocks. I theorize And the award for “Best Kreator/ Kid Dynamite left before rolling that it would take a team of scientists Sodom Impersonation by a So-Called PHANTOM ROCKERS: back out to sea and out of sight. at least twenty-five years to figure ‘Hardcore Punk’ Band” goes to…. On the Loose: CD Those guys above that line are None out the mechanics of how good this –Jimmy Alvarado (Aborted Society) It’s the return of the Phantom More Black, and this is where they record is. It’s like they achieved the Rockers. Twenty years of standard pull off what guys who come from rock equivalent to perpetual motion OSAKA POPSTAR: ...and the psycho fare and the song remains the such intense pedigrees rarely do. I or something. –Stevo (Fat Wreck) American Legends of Punk: CD same: schizophrenia, mutants, boo- like to call it the “Ian Mackaye” or The line-up is impressive. A band giemen, jungles, psychos, and king “defying the musical black hole.” OFF WITH THEIR HEADS: that features the Misfits manager, rockers. The new line up includes Allow me to most likely unnecessar- Hospitals: 12” EP John Cafiero on vocals with Jerry musicians from Kim Lenz, Atomic ily elaborate. Sometimes you’re in a This is amazingly miserable pop in Only (Misfits), Dez Cadena (Black Fiends, and Sick City Daggers. band so intense it’s like a black hole. that it layers the most misery-laden Flag, Misfits), Ivan Julian (Voidoids), Unfortunately, uninspiring and unre- Anything else before and after just lyrics I’ve heard in some time over and Marky Ramone (Ramones, duh). markable. –Jessica T (Split 7) gets sucked in to it and all anyone the catchiest, upbeat pop melodies. But the sum of its parts do not add up can see is that one huge swirling Lyrics like, “I’ll tie it tight around to anything other than a concept POLIDICKS: to offer. Yep, The Popst… I can’t PUT-ONS, THE: RECTANGLES: No Peace? No Chance:CD even type it again... these guys are Schooldays in Disgrace: CD Suspended Animation: 7” EP The problem I’ve always had with that good. Throw a Mass Giorgini I’m not sure if these guys are inten- They play like a single-finger-salut- the crusty, political punk bands is mix on it and there you have it. The tionally striving to be racist, but— ing, mean, fighting-side-of-me that although I like the lyrics and Tom Petty cover is pretty good, too. giving them the benefit of the Devo. If that’s not so helpful, imag- the idea of what they’re doing, it –Ty Stranglehold (Incessant Drip) doubt—maybe equating having “a ine new wave punk (more Triggers, often comes across as screechy and stable of foxy whores” (among less Epoxies) with rayguns that squelchy. Polidicks manage to POPSTERS, THE: All of You: CD other things) with being Black, or could provide the soundtrack to an avoid that trap for the most part. Mid-tempo melodicore/pop punk covering Cheech & Chong’s episode of the Twilight Zone which Hard, fast, and loud is the order for from Italy that you would never “Mexican Americans,” which was ends unhappily and features dis- the day and they serve it up in a believe is not an American band. I essentially an in-joke that really memberment. At their best, they palatable fashion. Add in the clever would have been all over this in the doesn’t come off the same way as a slither and shake mechanically— samples and movie clips and we’ve pop punk wave of the late ‘90s. But cover tune, are such good ideas. like a dancing cyborg with a noose got us a winner. Wait, it does slide as too much of any one thing gets Hell, I’m surprised no one has hand- around his neck—while the key- into that screech from time to time, old, I really have to say that this ed them their own asses on a platter board sounds like it’s being played but not enough to ruin the record. band is average. Even the cover of yet. Outside of that, this is vaguely by a brain floating in bubbling neon Good stuff. –Ty Stranglehold Tom Petty’s “American Girl” is snotty college-punk fodder. –Jimmy liquid. At their worst, well, they’re (Wounded Paw) played straight up with nothing Alvarado (No Front Teeth) not too bad; just a little clonky like added. I was hoping for so much they’ve been in the morgue a little POPSTERS, THE: All of You: CD more since it was coming from out- RAISED FIST: long and have started to stiffen. I’ve been sitting here trying to figure side the states and released here. Sound of the Republic: CD Definitely a band with promise. I’d out why a band would call them- –Donofthedead (Incessant Drip) Burning Heart put this out so I’m like to have them toe up against that selves The Popsters. Sure, they play thinking maybe these guys are from surly Servotron—in an epic battle of some of the best pop punk stuff I’ve POPZILLAS, THE: The Incredible some Scandinavian country. Heavy meat vs. metal—and watch the heard in ages, but why so literal? It Adventures of Pandora Pop: CD metal with screamed vocals. The sparks fly. –Todd (Discourage) started to dawn on me when I lis- This is really unique and interest- drummer slaps the skins to the same tened to the lyrics a little closer. Odd ing. As far as I can tell from the beat every song. The vocals are REGULATIONS: Electric Guitar: LP wording and backwards grammar. A translated-from-German one sheet, sometimes screamed in a rap style, Sometimes I wish that time check of the liner notes revealed my this is a German band playing a which always bugs the fuck out of machines were real. I would take suspicions. Italians singing in concept album that I think is sup- me. Here’s my advice: if you are in a these Swedes, drop ‘em in a late- English. There you have it. I cannot posed to be a soundtrack to a metal band, for God’s sake, at least ‘70s Huntington Beach back yard and will not fault these guys for their Japanese manga story. It doesn’t appreciate the classics like Maiden and watch bands like the Slashers ridiculous band name because there make any sense, but I like it. It’s or the filthy styles of Neurosis, Dead and China White shit themselves. has to be a translation error. Yeah, really pro-produced sounding pop and Gone, and Buzzoven. The lyrics Side one of this is their most recent that’s it… Anyway, let’s talk about with ethereal female vocals. It’s seem like they at least realize the recordings, and there is much to the music. If you can bear any more nice, I could listen to this a few world is fucked. That’s a plus. I just marvel at here, but the crème de la Canadian references from me, I times for sure, but I just don’t real- don’t like the music. –Buttertooth crème here is the two EPs collected think they sound a lot like ly understand what they’re trying to (Epitaph/Burning Heart) on side two, which are fucking Doughboys and Bum: two of the do. –Ben Snakepit (Wolverine) monstrous examples of all that is best pop bands we Canucks ever had good about punk rock—catchy tunes, overkill delivery, and 110 ten. “Wha..?” I didn’t see AC/DC RIVERBOAT GAMBLERS: walks a very different path than Por percent attitude. Mind-blowingly coming, that’s for damn sure. I’m To the Confusion of Our Enemies: CD Vida. The instant infection of the good these kids are, and you’d have not talking about, “Rock’n’roll, so it For quite awhile now, there has been songs, that immediate catchiness that to be deaf and/or a Pat Boone fan reminds me of AC/DC.” I’m saying a lot of buzz about the Riverboat made each track of Por Vida essential not to flat-out adore ‘em. –Jimmy it sounds exactly like fuckin’ Gamblers. For some reason, perhaps from first listen, just isn’t there. I’ve Alvarado (Havoc) AC/DC! The first time I listened to due to my cynicism, and pessimist listened to this over and over trying this was in the stereo at work. My attitude towards everything, I didn’t to get it under my skin, and it has to RESISTORS, THE: Demo: CD-R ex-rocker manager comes out of the jump on the Gambler bandwagon. I a degree. It almost sounds as if this Average and generic mid-tempo punk darkroom and demands to know didn’t take the time to listen to them would be the album that precedes out of the Los Angeles area. Vocals what AC/DC record this is because and I was skeptical. So when I got Por Vida, the album they would have go out of key and out of time all over he doesn’t recognize it. It’s that this CD, I put a lot of listening time grown from and built off of, so I the place. The background vocals do exact! It may be a compliment to into it—I mean, is it really possible almost see it as a regression rather the same. The guitar sound is a little those guys, but it ain’t working for to be as good as everyone says? than a new step for them. I was wor- buried in the mix and could have used me. I can appreciate the original Quite frankly, yes. After a couple lis- ried that it may have been my bias more distortion or compression. The Aussie powerhouse, but some- tens, this CD grew on me and grew due to my adoration of Por Vida, so I only things that sound good to me are where in the back of my mind I on me fast. The opening song, “True got tricky. I’d put it on for people the bass and the drums. The raw and still say, “This is the music of the Crime” totally hooked me and is by who loved the first album without sloppy sound might have excited me bastards who beat the shit outta me far one of the best songs on the telling them what it was. They would circa 1980, but in 2006 it sounds like when I was a kid.” Even more so album. The production on the CD is listen with half an ear and then by I have heard thousands of bands like for these rip off artists. –Ty fantastic and you can’t help but feel about the fourth song ask who it was, this and I don’t remember most of Stranglehold (Acetate) the energy these guys exude in their and were always surprised that it was them. It’s like listening to a fourth music. Like always, I have a couple Sexy. With time, it’s grown on me, generation band that sounds like the 4 RIVERBOAT GAMBLERS: favorite songs on the CD that I trea- and I find some songs (like the run of Skins. More time together writing Keep Me from Drinking: 7” sure more than the rest, which I keep “Choke the World” through songs and being together will hope- Words can’t describe how pissed I on repeat for days at a time. They are “T.K.I.YT.”) that I play over and fully let the band grow and develop to was when this showed up in the mail “True Crime,” “Don’t Bury Me…I’m over again. It’s still a strong record; I where their songs might be memo- and it was warped to shit. I’m a wee Still Not Dead,” “Biz Loves Sluts” just had really, really high expecta- rable. –Donofthedead (The Resistors) bit obsessed with the Gamblers as of (although there is one part before he tions. –Megan (Plan-it-x-south) late and the thought of two new goes into his spiel about chocolate, RHINO BUCKET: tracks coming in the mail was an cinnamon and whip cream where he SKIN DISORDER: And Then It Got Ugly: CD exciting endeavor. Well, I managed sounds a little like Fred Durst), “The Scars and Stripes: 7” EP Okay, let’s take a look at this. We’ve to play the record and get the gist of Song We Used to Call ‘Wasting Given the cover art, band name, and got a band name in stenciled letters? the tunes between the warbling and Time,’” and “Rent Is Due” (which song titles like “Soldier Skin,” I was Check. Distressed yellow/orange skipping. Both are great tunes in their has carved out a special place in my kinda hopin’ for a “comedy” act. picture of police beating on some- own right but I can see how they heart). –Jenny Moncayo (Volcom) While their “traditional” N.Y. skin one? Check. My official “book by don’t quite fit into the perfection that slant is, indeed, funny, it’s not the kind the cover” call on this would be a is their latest full length. I’m going to SEXY: Boma Ye!: CD of funny they intended or I was SoCal angsty punk outfit with delu- have to track another copy of this I can’t describe how happy I was to expecting. Pretty purple vinyl, sions of being the next Adolescents down. –Ty Stranglehold (Volcom) see this when it came in. Por Vida is though. –Jimmy Alvarado (Headache) or Social Distortion. Let’s take a lis- one of my favorite albums. But this SKITSYSTEM: Stigmata: CD sleeves. At least, that’s what I get SPEEDBUGGY USA: to be mean (?!); follow that with a From the first note on this release, from it; it’s SoCal (does anyone use The City That God Forgot: CD couple telling us to lighten up and you know you are going to get an ass that term anymore without cringing?) Speedbuggy, once one of L.A.’s pre- “shut the fuck up.” Now we’ve got a kickin.’ The production is so big that ‘77 punk with a modern flair, with eminent cowpunk bands, have tran- soccer song (in North America it is it would make most bands out there just a few jagged teeth around the scended to successful alt country on called soccer. People who are from sell off their little sister to get that edges to keep from getting a “power this, their seventh full-length album. North America have no reason to call kind of sound. Guitar sound that is pop” reference. And don’t think I’m Infusing Bakersfield country, Delta it anything else) and an ode to invad- crunchy, big, and bold. Bass that slagging it, because I’m not—this blues, zydeco, and brass band with ing Europe. The disc closes with two sounds punchy and bottom heavy shit’s riddled with more hooks than non sequitur raucous Pogues irrever- songs that I can relate to: hockey and with a light touch of distortion. my grandpa’s fucking tackle box; ence and dreamy Mazzy Star-like getting drunk. The getting drunk one Drums that have been tuned and they know how to craft a song, they instrumentations, Speedbuggy cre- quickly sinks into going out to beat mixed well so that you can hear make a hell of a sweet racket for a ates a mature and heterogeneous up rival soccer hooligans though, so I every item that is being punished. three piece, they grasp when to allow album. Heartfelt, sincere, and overall got lost again. If it turns out that this Vocals that are sung in the Swedish one instrument to take precedence upbeat, parts of this mellifluous is a joke band, then kudos to them for dialect with English translations pro- over the others, and the lyrics are album reflect the sadness and loss pulling it off in such a way that it’s vided for lyrical understanding of pretty articulate and sincere in a felt by survivors of Hurricane hard to tell. If it’s not, well, I was still what is being sung in a throaty, genre that relies maybe a little too Katrina, which deeply affected the entertained. Musically, I’m thinking yelled delivery. This now a long-run- much on the bland “rock’n’roll band. All profits from this album’s in the neighborhood of Menace or ning band continues to be one of the party” shtick. They make it to sales are being donated to Habitat for Sham 69. A fun listen. –Ty premier bands in the crust genre: Portland anytime soon, I’ll be glad to Humanity’s Katrina Relief Fund. Art, Stranglehold (I Scream) with fast and strong songs with drunken high-five ‘em and blather on writing, and other services were metallic overtones that are exciting. about how awesome the show was. If donated to the band to produce this STORM THE TOWER: Not one song is a throw away. This Listen Up!! is any indication at all, it album for charity. –Jessica T (Split 7) Four Songs: 7” EP band epitomizes what is so good would be. –Keith Rosson (Radio) It’s been a loooong time since Storm about the bands from Sweden and STARS & STRIPES: The Tower put a record out, and Skitsystem is a seasoned band that SPACE CRETINS: Rocket Roll: CD One Man Army: CD they’ve gone through a lot of changes clearly shows newcomers that they This is really good! Awesome, high At first inclination, I thought this was during that time. This new 7” is a lot need to bring their “A” game if they energy, poppy, glammy punk. Sounds an American version of Hard Skin. more punk and a lot less hardcore have to play on the same bill with like Zowie Fenderblast from the Lee Really, really well played oi with than their previous releases, with them. –Donofthedead (Havoc) Harvey Oswald band fronting the really, really hilarious and deeply Chris’ vocals evoking the early ‘90s Groovie Ghoulies, oh yeah! Songs satirical lyrics. I guess I was part sound of Heroin or John Henry West. SORE THUMBS, THE: Listen Up!!: CD just come marching at you, one after right because Stars & Stripes do play Tightly played and well recorded, First heard this band on the Pirates another, although “Star Kiss” is a really good music with really hilari- these four songs pack quite a punch. Press 7” box set a while back and cool mid-tempo tune that breaks ous lyrics. It turns out that it’s not so –Ben Snakepit (Little Deputy) thought they were pretty good. Two things up. Really cool glammy vocals much a joke as it is a side project for songs on that, fourteen on this, but and strong punk songs. Fans of the Choke from Slapshot, though. Here’s STUPORHERO: there’s not a dull spot on the record. Dickies, Zolar X, and Black Halos a quick run through. The first three It Would Be Nice to Wake Up: CD Think Hostage or TKO Records, will wanna be all over this. –Mike songs are about beating the shit out of The first song on this album is called, wide-legged guitar stances, broad ties Frame (Killing Pig) people. The next one is about realiz- “Cherry Blossom Cool.” What does and dress shirts rolled up to show tat ing your dreams and life are too short that mean? Your guess is as good as mine. This is the kind of quirky indie cover “White Christmas,” and I don’t And most of the lyrics cover the top- switchboard operator—the type who rock that I liked in the mid-nineties hate it. It may have to do with the ics of living on the streets, being would plug in lines by hand after the when I spent a lot of time driving fact that I got it in June, when I’m not homeless, and being a “Streetwalker.” call’s placed—only with a time around in my parents’ minivan listen- inundated with Christmas carols. I guess kids will eat this up. Maybe if machine. So, you’re getting a call ing to every Lemonheads album ever They also cover topics such as love I was younger, I would too. Time will from 1977: Buzzcocks, Gang of made. I’m happy to say my tastes and Kurt Russell. They say they’re never tell. And my theory: if you get a Four, Undertones, Jam, all hanging have evolved, and I found this album influenced by Crimpshrine, D4, and tattoo of Tim’s initials—the singer has on one line, but cross-switched to fairly tiresome. I’m not sure why the the Bouncing Souls, which makes T.A. on his wrist—and then cleverly 2006 without losing clarity, without male member of this band is the lead sense. –Megan (Therman Merman) cover it up by naming your band with static. Your musical door, today, is singer, since his voice is kind of the same initials, your super love is kicked off the frame, and in comes a whiny and grating. Four songs in, we TIME AGAIN: rewarded with a record deal. –Jenny band, all instruments a-blazing, are teased with a excellent track called The Stories Are True: CD Moncayo (Hellcat) shooting you full of musical notes. “Get High School” where one of the As a fan of Rancid—yes, I’m a fan of Like the Exploding Hearts, there’s band’s female members sings lead in a Rancid—I have to say, I’m a little TOYS THAT KILL: Shanked!: CD something vital to be said about charming, unpretentious way. If the annoyed, and very confused. So con- Toys That Kill’s music is simply spell- freshly broken angles, bent and other songs on the album were more fused that I had to listen to this CD binding, catchy, and well produced. infected melodies, redirecting stray like that one, this might have a chance several times to try and come up with Always. This new album is no excep- lines back to the master strokes to the of landing in my heavy rotation pile. a theory as to why this is okay. Why tion. I must admit that other than the likes of Elvis Costello—not to make –Jennifer Whiteford (Basement Tape) would Hellcat put out an album that debut, every time I get a new album it a shrine—but to push older ideas fur- sounds exactly like Rancid? Yes, there takes me a few listens to tune into their ther than they initially went. And, TENNESSEE TEARJERKERS, THE: are several straightforward answers, wavelength... but once I do, it’s there holy smokes, The Tranzmitors sound Dirty Nails: 7” like easy money, etc. But really… for forever. It’s like getting hurt bad and like they were born nailed to their I want to open a truck stop and have some reason, I feel like a shitty getting prescribed 800mg Ibuprofen instruments. Wow. –Todd (La-Ti-Da) a jukebox that only has 45s from Jack makeshift computer: it does not com- and being told you have to take two Oblivian Yarber. This good times, pute. Let’s see, the CD displays a pills a couple times a day. The first TRASHIES: rockin’ single (already out of print) sticker that explains Tim Armstrong is time you open the bottle, those two Life Sucks Trash Fuck: CD has songs by Yarber and bandmate featured on the track “The Stories Are huge pills don’t seem to go down your I really want to like the Trashies. And Margaret Garrett, and an Ian Hunter True.” Well, it sounds like the whole throat so easy... but once they do, you I don’t think I’m that far off from it. cover (“Original Mixed up Kid”). CD features Mr. Armstrong. The feel oh sooo good. Be warned, you lis- Synth-driven low-fi stuff that’s pretty Rock kids would sit next to the coun- vocals are so identical that I even got ten to this album stoned, drunk, wast- difficult to not dance to, especially try truckers and hookers and every- into a silly debate on whether it was ed off something else, or simply high when you see them live. My worry is one would get along great, share the Tim or not. Although I know it is just on life it’ll become your best friend by the shtick (and I’m assuming it is a sugar, tell stories, and the waitresses the work of a very good clone, I track three. Now when’s that rumored shtick) of being white trash. They would actually live off their tips. couldn’t help but make a silly wager, split with D4 going to materialize? wear tight, short denim shorts, have –Speedway Randy (Bancroft) just on the basis of pure disbelief. –Mr. Z (Recess) garbage cans on stage, and in my Honestly, you could spend a good memory there was a mullet or at least THERMAN MERMAN: amount of time trying to decipher Tim TRANZMITORS: Some Girls b/w a rat tail. I grew up in a very rural Demo Delish: CD-R from the lead singer, Daniel, but don’t Dancing in the Front Row: 7” (read: ten miles to the closest gas sta- Eight songs in under ten minutes. In be as lame as me. Needless to say, this The image I get when listening to the tion) area in Maine. I had someone those eight songs, they manage to album is very comparable to Rancid. Tranzmitors is an expert telephone on my school bus route put a tele- phone pole up in the front yard of trend that leaves a bad taste in my hearing is a less country/more arty VARIOUS ARTISTS: their trailer one day. About a week mouth, or if (as I’m hoping) they’re Gun Club. I’m not quite sure that’s Anti-Disco League Vol. 1: CD later, the pole had sprouted various doing something else. I plan on the intention. There’s also the So far as I’m able to tell, this is an antlers and looked like a totem pole keeping listening and asking them occasional punk rock freak-out to international comp of oi bands put of sorts. Another week passed, and the next time they come through be found as well. Ultimately, they together by someone in The the antlers were adorned with bras town. –Megan (Mortville) ain’t bad at what they’re slangin’, Templars, and featuring the and women’s underwear. No expla- which I guess is the most impor- Templars, Deadline, Urban Riot, nation, it was just what they did. I TRASHIES: tant part. –Jimmy Alvarado Crashed Out, Bulldog Samurai, also grew up surrounded by people Life Sucks Trash Fuck: CD (Serious Business) Counterattack, Stomper 98, and who killed their food, and couldn’t This album is a sloppy, retarded, others. The styles are diverse think of a better way to spend a trashcore, punch-each-other-in-the- US BOMBS: We’re the Problem: CD enough considering the genre and weekend than “Goin’ muddin’, guy.” groin, pogo party! I dare you to lis- Duane Peters is back with his flag- most of the tunes aren’t too terri- And sure, I had my difference of ten to this album without thinking ship band. I like all of his projects, ble or anything. Ultimately, opinions with a large group of them, about doing something stupid. but it’s always the Bombs that do it though, no one really stands out and a lot of their kids made my life Alright, so it’s hard to do anything best for me. The new record is no here, so it’s pretty much average hell through high school, but some without the contemplation of stupid exception. I really don’t think that as far as modern comps go. of them were also the nicest, most things, but this album is definitely a there’s anyone reading this who has- –Jimmy Alvarado (Templecombe) considerate people I’ve met. They catalyst. I’d like to think that the n’t at least heard a song or two, so led somewhat simple lives in com- song “Sweatpants Boner” sums up you know the deal. Out of control, VARIOUS ARTISTS: parison to others, but they chose to the true emotions of this musical Sex Pistols-style punk, with a hint Class Pride World Wide 3: CD live that way and they were happy group, but whether they like it or of ‘50s doo-wop and a true When these guys say “world wide,” with it. But no one, no matter how not the song “I H8 U American classic at the wheel. The they mean it. Here we have a com- happy they were with their life, Motherfuckers” truly displays why choruses are huge and so are the pilation of working class bands wanted to be called white trash. And this style of music and this band are guitars. DP is as gravely as ever. Get spanning the globe and running the it was a term that was never used important. This song is an anthem on your liquor store cruiser and gamut of genres of punk, hardcore, lightly. So, I was quite shocked for anyone who’s fucking sick of head down to the records store and and oi. As with almost every compi- when I moved to Los Angeles as everything, especially anthems. get this now. It’s the soundtrack to lation out there, there’s gold and “white trash couture” was taking –Daryl (Mortville) your next pool session. –Ty there’s clunkers. This one beats the over. People began wearing mesh Stranglehold (Sailor’s Grave) average with great tunes by Union hats, paying a hundred dollars for a TRASHIES: Taz Tattoo: 7” Made (Canada), Discipline mullet, and wearing pre-worn, pre- More trash rock that gets me wanti- VAGINASORE JR: 7” (Holland), Boiler (Hungary), among torn, pre-stained clothes. Even that I ng to dance, but my opinion from the If there’s a specific sound to barbe- a haystack of bands from countries could take, but when a girl I worked CD hasn’t been changed yet. ques, benders, and horseshoes, this like Italy, Chile, Yugoslavia, with bragged about how “white –Megan (The Party’s Over, no would be it. Imagine a backyard full Argentina, Japan, England, and the trash” she’d been the night before address given) of friends with beards, kids and U.S. Well, Russian oi isn’t all that because she’d eaten a sandwich, I dogs, and Dan Padilla (the man and great, but it can’t stop this comp was pushed too far. So, with the UNSACRED HEARTS, THE: the band), and here’s your sound- from being as great as it is. It must Trashies, I don’t know them. I don’t In Defense of Fort Useless: CD track. It makes me miss Tampa. have been a hell of an undertaking know where they’re coming from. I They’re supposed to be some –Megan (ADD/ So Intense) getting the music from all of these don’t know if they’re hopping on a rock/alt-rock hybrid, but what I’m bands and communicating with them all. I’d say it was worth it. –Ty only a few standouts this time—Left actually try to sing. –Jimmy Bad, The Hamburglars, Dick Stranglehold (Insurgence) Alone, Time Again, and the Heart Alvarado (Spiral) Cheney’s Dick and The Hospital, Attacks. And anyone’ll tell you, respectively, are not bands from the VARIOUS ARTISTS: Dudes Tunes three good songs out of eighteen is VARIOUS ARTISTS: “classic” era of American Volume II: Dudin’ Out: CD pretty much blowing it. Plus it’s off- Killed by Trash: CD punk/hardcore, but they are from If you like things that are totally set by absolutely inane, dipshit Holy shit I need a shower after this. Missouri, and make a mean racket bitch or listening to crucial tunes at a songs by Roger Miret And The Gimmick pulled off perfect—cov- in their own right. Although the dudebeque, this is pretty essential. Disasters, Orange, and a host of ers of Killed by Death tracks by emphasis here is heavy on the hard- With Butt, Boris The Sprinkler, and other bands that just zip right by new lo-lo-lo-fi geniuses. Years in core, each band here has enough Lord Dudenheim And His Royal without making any impact at all. the making, with bands that P. Trash individual personality not to Dudes, can you really go wrong? –Keith Rosson (Hellcat) has released—some of the best become one big, boring blur. Best Big fat doubt it. So, coldie-up, order bands sludging around. Jeffrey of all, it’s a compilation that is true some ‘Zas, throw this in the deck, VARIOUS ARTISTS: Novak somehow made “I Hate to what made so many early comps and start Toddin’ it up. –Megan Innate Rebellion: CD Music” even more prehistoric. The so crucial—it is a snapshot of a par- (Dudes Magazine) Resistant Culture: They sound Tyrades dominate “Pop Gun.” ticular area at a particular time, markedly less straight-up speed Drugstop revitilizes “M.I.C.” And rather than some lame-ass “sam- VARIOUS ARTISTS: metal than they did back in the then there’s The Feelers, Carbonas, pler” of bands you’d never listen to, Give Em the Boot V: CD ‘80s, when they were called Black Time, The Heartattacks, Los courtesy of some label you’d never Okay, I’ll say it: I actually own just Resistant Militia and we shared Raw Gospels, Digger & the buy anything from. If indie punk is about the entire GETB series—I’m a many an East L.A. backyard, but Pussycats, and more. Great comp. something you can get behind, this sucker for cheapo label samplers, Tony’s growl remains and the lyrics –Speedway Randy (P. Trash) is well worth seeking out. –Jimmy especially when you run across ‘em are just as rebellious. Nice to hear Alvarado (Cassette Kill) used for a buck. And while it’s something new from ’em. Fallas De VARIOUS ARTISTS: KY DIY: LP decidedly uncool to say so, there’s Sistema: Bilingual (though mostly On a dare with myself, I tried to VARIOUS ARTISTS: usually about a handful of pretty in Spanish), political hardcore think of a “famous” Missouri punk Mad Fabricators Society great songs on them. Granted, addressing the A.L.F., war, and band without having to resort to Soundtrack, Volume Two: CD there’s always a decent amount of “Musica para la resistencia.” One looking at the Kill from the Heart Über hot rod, high performance tripe as well, but it’s always nice to of the singers sounds like the dude webpage. Lost that dare. The point, ‘60s-inspired instrumental surf and hear stuff from the Slackers, from Lodo Y Asfalto. Resist And other than that I’m a dweeb, is that greasy garage from the Mad Leftover Crack, etc.—I have yet to Exist: Another band I remember state is apparently woefully under- Fabricators Society II DVD. buy any of their records, but I from way back, in this case the represented, for although the bands Includes the Lords of Altamont, always enjoy hearing them on early ‘90s/Media Children anarcho- listed for that area are semi-famous Bleed, Dynotones, Blue Demons, comps. That said, I think Hellcat punk crowd. More political hard- (or in the case of White Pride, infa- Mr. Badwrench, Los Creepers, and may have finally shot its wad with core with the dual male/female mous) there are only three entries the Delusionaires. Not one of the this series. Shit’s pretty played out at vocal styling made popular by for that entire state. That’s where twenty-six tracks is boring or a this point; V has the fewest songs of Nausea and others. Contravene: this comp comes in. Sure, the bands bummer. Absolutely compulsory any of them, and so much of it is Another male/female vocal band. here: Amxiety Attack, Alert! Alert!, for summer cruising. –Jessica T rehashed, second- and third-rate These guys have more metal in The Creepy Aliens, Crap Corps, (Split 7) streetpunk or ska/reggae stuff that their guitars and the vocalists, how- The Blackouts, The Skate-o- just has no staying power. There are ever flat their resulting efforts, Masochists, When Good Robots Go VARIOUS ARTISTS: Tales from the VARIOUS ARTISTS: listening to compilations again— that’s what ended up happening. I Asphalt Dancefloor: 12” EP Winnipeg Riot!: CD something that i don’t believe has hate to miss a touring band. I hate it I remember in high school (late ‘80s) Like most Americans, my knowledge been the case since about 1982. Go even more when the band has come that if you wanted any advancement of All Things Rock in Winnipeg to Fargo, hang a right. Yep. BEST from another country. Even though I with a young lady, chances are you’d starts with the Guess Who, middles SONG: Hot Live Guys “Robbin’ A did not have personal knowledge of have to swallow Guns’n’Roses, with the Stretch Marks, and ends Bank” BEST SONG TITLE: The this band, they came well recom- Paula Abdul, Information Society— with Propaghandi, with not much Surfadelics “Flux Capacitor” FAN- mended. A lot of times, I like seeing or, best case, if you were so lucky— (actually, with nothing) in between. TASTIC AMAZING TRIVIA a band live first before acquiring The Cure, Marc Almond, Depeche And, inasmuch as i’d like to co-opt FACT: “Yes, it’s real blood.” –Rev. their recorded output. This was my Mode, or the Smiths. This comp. this review to point out the fact that Nørb (Dionysus) game plan. Since my plan fell by the sounds like an updated version of the the Guess Who—especially their wayside, an alternative did come my latter with more guitars: sorta-new early work from the ‘60s—are a fair- VARSITY DRAG: way. By chance, a copy of their latest wave, spooky, often drum-machined ly underrated band in today’s Rock For Crying out Loud: CD release sat waiting for me at HQ. I “I like Sisters of Mercy and Front Forefather Pecking Order, the more The sticker on the cover told me that would at least get to experience this 242” stuff. No surprise, I enjoyed the pertinent facts of the matter seem to this is Ben Deily from the band one way or another. First off, broke, tension-filled tracks indicate that, quite off American (and Lemonheads. Now, I like the the band residing in Sweden makes (Destruction Unit, Digital Leather) potentially even Canadian) radar Lemonheads (yes, the cool albums me think that nothing can go wrong over the robots of the post apoca- screens, Winnipeg has, by all indica- like Hate Your Friends, but I’d be from here on out. I am heavily biased lypse with tons of effects pedals stuff tions, served as a merrily festering lying if I said I don’t kick myself with a love for bands from Sweden. (The Cutters, Sex For Cigarettes). pus lump of punk/rock/rock/punk every once in a while for giving away Crust, metal, or pop punk, there are Six songs, 12” vinyl EP picture disk. carnage. If the liner notes can be my It’s a Shame about Ray tape, too). so many great bands. From first lis- –Todd (Vodka Tonic) believed (and why can’t they?), Varsity Drag, on the other hand, is ten, I knew I was in for a treat and Winnipeg is essentially Manitowoc the kind of stuff you probably listen have to add another band to the VARIOUS ARTISTS: or Kenosha on a Saturday night, but to when you’re well over fifty and already extensive shopping list of The Funhouse Comp Thing: CD 24/7—beer, brawls, and punk, not want to feel like you listen to some- releases that I need to purchase. This comp features the efforts of The necessarily in that order (actually, i thing edgier than lite jazz or adult Straight forward songs that average Primate 5, Armitage Shanks, The take that back. Necessarily in that contemporary, but, you know, with a at the minute and a half mark. I’m Cripples, The Hollow Points, The order). I assume this CD serves sort tambourine. –Megan (Boss Tuneage) thinking a mixture of Wolfpack (or Mexican Blackbirds, Earaches, and of the same purpose as balcony seats later Wolfbrigade) meets Tragedy but others, meaning it’s heavy on the at a GG Allin show—i get an okay VICTIMS: Divide and Conquer: CD also adding everything I love in a trash rock and synth-driven punk view of the situation, but am in no I had two chances to see this band band like Fucked Up. Fast hardcore stuff. Although a little more diversity danger of getting anything yucky on live while they toured the states and I that has their homegrown in its thirty-two tracks would’ve been my shirt—and, truth be told, it’s pret- missed both of them. I wish I had the Scandinavian touch but with unique swell, what’s here is top notch— ty decent for the first seventy-five to energy of my teen years. I was going accents that keep things interesting. energetic, loud, and often fucked up eighty percent. Things start wobblin’ to go out on three consecutive nights: Quick shifts of Dis-style punk that at in all the right ways. If for no other off into unlistenability towards the a banner outing for me. But after see- moments might feel brooding or reason, pick it up for the Steaming end, but i can actually say that i ing Tragedy on a Saturday, I could bringing it back into the mid ‘80s. Wolf Penis track. –Jimmy Alvarado think, with Winnipeg Riot!, civiliza- not recover. A Sunday and Monday I’m really bummed that I missed (The Funhouse) tion has turned the corner whereby i show and going to work did not work them. –Donofthedead (Havoc) am actually somewhat interested in to my benefit. I needed sleep and VITAMIN X: Rip It out: 7” EP given Whiskey & Co. much thought. Unfortunately for the WOR folks, Guts, and Pussy that the Dwarves Solid, driving hardcore with the They play stripped-down, old-time crust is synonymous with hip hop to should have recorded, and I fucking occasional lyrical nod to something country, pretty much. But, in the past me—filtered through my ears, nine- loved it. The follow up to that record larger than the personal gripe. Nice ten years, many bad things have ty-five percent of it sounds exactly was titled Dirty Sanchez which, at pics of them jumping around and befallen me. Many times, the music the same. It’s never been a genre the time, was hilarious but the record fans going apeshit. –Jimmy that I took solace in at one time just that’s excited me enough to really itself was a let down. After that, I Alvarado (Havoc) wasn’t cutting it. Sometimes you explore. That said, I’m sure fans of didn’t bother with anything else. The have to whisper back to the world, the band will be totally stoked to first track, “Die When You Die,” is WASTED TIME: Self-titled: 7” EP not yell, to try to find your place in it have all the records gathered togeth- the Zeke that I’m accustomed to. Another hardcore band that keeps the and, man, Kim Helm’s voice just er in one format. There’s plenty of Fast, dirty, and a little fucked up. The pace at a nice, thrashy clip, sounds does that. It’s fiery, redemptive, and reproduced record covers, flyers, other two are big, old badass ‘70s good’n’pissed off, and checks out dripping sadness in much the same and lyrics included; only real thing rockers with a little touch of stoner before they wear out their welcome. way as Patsy Cline’s (but Kim really missing is a discography listing, rock. I find myself putting on the Gotta love that. –Jimmy Alvarado does sound like Natalie Merchant), what songs appeared where. So rockers more than the “classic” Zeke (Grave Mistake) with a group of musicians who that’s about it—wasn’t my bag at lead-off track. I think I gave up on sound like they could be playing for all, but definitely a great document Zeke way, way, way too soon. If WEEGS, THE: a young Merle Haggard (but have for a band that was productive for a you’re interested, this is supposed to The Million Sounds of Black: CD played in Asshole Parade). It’s out- long time. –Keith Rosson be a tour-only deal, but I think you Herky-jerky punkwave stuff on this law country punk in the best possible (Inimical/Un-Yelliman) can find it on a few mail order web- second album—lotsa structured skro- sense: tons of heart, artfully and sites. Oh, and Relapse… I’m sure nk to keep the cynical dancing the achingly played, for the disposed YOUTH BRIGADE: Songs from the you already noticed but you fucked night away and make their Bay area and dispossessed. Excellent. –Todd Liza Minelli Songbook: CD up the inner labels. –Stevo (Relapse) art-punk predecessors like Minimal (No Idea) It’s been more than a decade, guys. Man and Snakefinger proud. By the Some of us rabid fans are getting a by, the forty-plus minute bonus track WHOREHOUSE OF REPRESENTA- wee bit impatient for a new album sounds like an outtake of Pink TIVES: Discography 1993 – 1999: CD and I, for one, would like to sing Floyd’s “Interstellar Overdrive.” Having owned records by this along with some new tuneage before –Jimmy Alvarado (Hungry Eye) Seattle crust punk band for over a I hafta do it from a rest home. decade, and having them sit –Jimmy Alvarado (BYO) Here’s the deal: every review WHISKEY & CO.: unplayed in my 7” bins for nearly as Razorcake has ever done will be Leaving the Nightlife: CD long, I wasn’t exactly ripping my ZEKE: Tour 7”: 7” up on razorcake.org in the near I used to say bullshit to the idea that shorts off in excitement when I got So, one of these songs is supposed to future. There will be thousands “tastes mature,” because it was usu- this one. It’s quite possible that this be a cover. I’m not sure which. that have never seen print. (Be ally some dickhead in a sweater vest was just sent to the wrong dude— Supposedly, it’s the song “Kings and patient. It’s a lot of work.) Just use trying to convince me that one day the Profane people are probably Queens” by Aerosmith… but I the search function. If you’re about I’d convert over to the Republican crapping themselves over it. WOR looked up the lyrics and they’re total- to ask the quesion, “Did you party and realize how Rush (take played fast crust punk with female ly different. At any rate, I haven’t review that?” log on and check your pick: the dude or the band) vocals ala Provoked, Disrespect, checked in with Zeke in a long, long, first. Thanks for reading. “kicks ass.” But, I have to admit, ten etc., with all the requisite thrash long time. I thought Kicked in the years ago, I probably wouldn’t have parts and A-B-A-B rhyme schemes. Teeth was the follow up to Blood, CONTACT ADDRESSES to bands and labels that were reviewed either in this issue or posted on www.razorcake.com recently.

• Aborted Society, 1122 E. Pike St., • Don Giovanni, PO Box 15482, • Let’s Pretend, PO Box 2993, • Rock Bottom, 25510 East Comfort Dr., #1377, Seattle, WA 98122 Boston, MA 02215 Carbondale, IL 62901 Forest Lake, MN 55025 • Acetate, PO Box 36756, LA, CA 90036 • Douche Master, 156 Pearl St., • Lifeline, PO Box 692, Midlothian, IL 60445 • Rodent Popsicle, PO Box 1143, • Acme, PO Box 441, Dracut, MA 01826 Atlanta, GA 30316 • Little Deputy, PO Box 7066, Allston, MA 02134 • ADD, PO Box 8240, Tampa, FL 33674 • Drag City, PO Box 476867, Austin, TX 78713 • Rowdy Farrago, c/o Flat 4, 101 Park • Alien Snatch, Morikeweg 1, 74199 Chicago, IL 60647 Criminal IQ, 3540 N. Southport, Rd., Peterborough Cambs PE1 2TR UK Untergruppenbach, Germany • Empty, PO Box 12301 Portland, OR 97212 Chicago, IL 60657 • Sailor’s Grave, PO Box 6786, • Alternative Tentacles, PO Box 419092, • Epitaph, 2798 Sunset Blvd., LA, CA 90026 • Lookatme Bumpole, 130 Martin St., Toledo, OH 43612 SF, CA 94141-9092 • Ernest Jenning, 175 Luquer St. #4, Covington, KY 41011 • Salinas, PO Box 20996, • American Cheeseburger, 385 S. Peter Brooklyn, NY 11231 • Lorelei, PO Box 295, Ferndale, MI 48220 St., Athens, GA 30601 • Even Worse, Saenredamstraat 44-2, Santa Cruz, CA, 95062 • Serious Business, 538 Johnson Ave. Ste. • Armada in Flames/Smith Seven, 111 S. 1072 CH, Amsterdam, Holland • Lovitt, PO Box 100248, 205, Brooklyn, NY 11237 Highland PMB 175, Memphis, TN 38111 • Fashionable Idiots, PO Box 580131, Arlington, VA 22210 • Shit Sandwich, 1400 S Elmwood, • Arsenic, PO Box 8995, MPLS, MN 55408 MPLS, MN 55458 • Mad Butcher, Kurze Geismarstr.6, Berwyn, IL 60402 • Awesome Snakes, c/o Crustacean, PO • Fast Crowd, 2721 Wightman St., 37073 Goettingen, Germany • Shite ‘N’ Onions, PO Box 7367, Box 829, Madison, WI 53701 SD, CA 92104 • Magic Bullet, 17 Argyle Hills Dr., MPLS, MN 55407 • Bad Afro, Studiestraede 24, 2, 1455 • Fat Wreck Chords, PO Box 193690, Fredericksburg, VA 22405 • So Intense, 1207 E. Flora St., Copenhagen K, Denmark SF, CA 94119 • Matador, 625 Broadway, NY, NY 10012 Tampa, FL 33604 • Bancroft, 816 Bancroft, • Firestarter, 1219 Union Ave., • Misfits, PO Box 2043, Radio City • SOS, PO Box 3017 Corona, CA 92878 Port Huron, MI 48060 Baltimore, MD 21211 Station, NY, NY 10101 • Southkore, 2814 S. Spaulding, • Barracuda Sound, PO Box 11994, • Fistful of Records, c/o Jos de Groot, • Moodkiller, PO Box 11561, Chicago, IL 60623 Gainesville, FL 32604 Abstederdijk 190 A, 3582 BW Olympia, WA 98508 • Spiral, PO Box 75223, Seattle, WA 98175 • Bear Proof Suit, 805 E. Center St., Utrecht, Netherlands • Mortville, PO Box 4263, Austin, TX 78765 • Split 7, 12405 Venice Blvd. #265, Milwaukee, WI 53212 • FNS, PO Box 1299, Boston, MA 02130 • Neckers, 3836 14th St. N.W., Calgary, LA, CA 90066 • Black Lung, 3139 Elwood Ave. Apt B, • Foam Cell, 1334 Pembroke St., Victoria, Alberta, T2K 1J4, Canada • Spook City, PO Box 34891, Richmond, VA 23321 BC Canada V8R 1V4 • Neins, 6319 NE 32nd Pl., Philadelphia, PA 19101 • Boomchick, 6405 Morrill Ave., • Funhouse, 206 5th Ave. N., Portland, OR 97211 • Stuporhero, PO Box 17734, Havelock, NE 68507 Seattle, WA 98109 • No Front Teeth, PO Box 27070, Seattle, WA 98127 • Boss Tuneage, PO Box 74, Sandy, • Gern Blandsten, PO Box 356, London N2 9ZP, UK • Sub Pop, PO Box 20367, Bedfordshire, SG19 2WB, UK River Edge, NJ 07661 • No Fun, PO Box 8154, Seattle, WA 98102 • Brain Handle, PO Box 10223, • Goner, 2152 Young Ave., Ann Arbor, MI 48107 • Subterranean, PO Box 2530, Pittsburgh, PA 15232 Memphis, TN 38104 • No Idea, PO Box 14636, Berkeley, CA 94702 • BSD, 716-B Harris Ave., Austin, TX 78705 • Grave Mistake, PO Box 12482, Gainesville, FL 32604 • Suburban Home, PO Box 40757, • Bullets, 2311 Wilson St. NE, Richmond, VA 23241 • Not Bad, PO Box 371292, Denver, CO 80204 MPLS, MN 55418 • Grayscale, 1150 Washington Blvd. #2, Denver, CO 80237 • Swami, PO Box 620428, SD, CA 92162 • Burning Heart, 2798 Sunset Blvd., Oak Park, IL 60302 • On On Switch, PO Box 641122, • Tag Team, 115 N. Kenmore Ste. #3, LA, CA 90026 • Grey Flight, 16458 Bolsa Chica St. SF, CA 94164 LA, CA 90004 • Captain Oi, c/o PO Box 501, High #409, Huntington Beach, CA 92649 • P. Trash, c/o Peter Eichhorn, • Templecombe, PO Box 602, Wycombe, Bucks, HP10 8QA • Havoc, PO Box 8585, MPLS, MN 55408 Dornbuschweg 10, 33649 Bayside, NY 11706 • Cassette Kill, 1219 Union St. #202, • He Who Corrupts, PO Box 4450, Bielefeld, Germany • Terminal City, 2141 Continental Ave., Kansas City, MO 64101 Chicago, IL 60680-4450 • Shattered, c/o Alix & Jay, 1352 Faxon Tallahassee, FL 32304 • Chainsaw Safety, PO Box 260318, • Headache, PO Box 204, Ave., Memphis, TN 38104 • Therman Merman, 1015 Potter St., Bellerose, NY 11426 Midland Park, NJ 07432 • Plan-It-X South, 720 Pickens Ave., Bellingham, WA 98229 • Combat Rock, PO Box 65, • Hellcat, 2798 Sunset Blvd., LA, CA 90026 Pensacola, FL 32503 • Third Party, 21 Nancy Lane, 11101 Rmk, Finland • Hopeless, PO Box 7495, • Plastic Idol, c/o Mario Solis, 410 Bell Amherst, NY 14228 • Control Group, c/o Sonic Boom Van Nuys, CA 91409 Ave. Apt. 25, Sacramento, CA 95838 • This Could Work, 720 2nd St. NE, Records, 3414 Fremont Ave. North, • Hungry Eye, PO Box 20403, Tompkins • Plastic, PO Box 1385, NY, NY 10156 Minot, ND 58703 Seattle, WA 98103 Square Station, NY, NY 10009 • Poison City, PO Box 409 Northcote, • TKO, 8941 Atlanta Ave. #505, • Cooking Vinyl, PO Box 246, • Hydra Head, PO Box 291430, Vic, Australia 3070 Huntington Beach, CA 92646 Huntington, NY 11743 LA, CA 90029 • Pravda, PO Box 268043, • Trigger-on-the-dutendoo, 308A Bowen • Crimes Against Humanity, PO Box • I Scream, 7400 49th Ave., Chicago, IL 60626 St., Oshkosh, WI 54901 1421, Eau Claire, WI 54703 New Hope, MN 55428 • Pretty Activity, 177 W. 26th St. #600, • Un-Yelliman, PO Box 4171, • Crusty, PO Box 59, 1895 Commercial • In The Red, PO Box 50777, LA, CA 90050 NY, NY 10001 Seattle, WA 98194-0171 Dr., Vancouver, BC, Canada V5N 4A6 • Incessant Drip, 3510 SE Sherry Lane 7, • Psychobilly US, c/o Hairball8, PO Box • Velvet Wrinkle Wreckerds, Ste. A 1702 • Delanuca, 1590 NW 29th St., Milwaukee, OR 97222 681674, San Antonio, TX 78268-1674 East Susquehanna St., Allentown, PA 18103 Miami, FL 33142 • Inimical, PO Box 2803, Seattle, WA 98111 • Puke’n’vomit, PO Box 3435, • Vodka Tonic, PO Box 1975, • Delta Pop Music, 663 S. Bernardo Ave. • Insurgence, 2 Bloor St. W. Ste. 100-184, Fullerton, CA 92834 Tempe, AZ 85280-1975 #113, Sunnyvale, CA 94087 Toronto, ON Canada M4W 3E2 • Punkcore, PO Box 916, • Volcom, 1740 Monrovia Ave., • Deranged, 1166 Chaster Rd., Gibsons, • It’s Alive, 11411 Hewes St., Middle Island, NY 11953 Costa Mesa, CA 92627 BC, V0N 1V4, Canada Orange, CA 92869 • Radio, PO Box 1452, Sonoma, CA 95476 • Wallride, 4401 Ethel Ave., • Die Slaughterhaus, PO Box 160168, • Kangaroo, Middenweg 13, 1098 AA, • Recess, PO Box 1666, Hampstead, MD 21074 Atlanta, GA 30316 Amsterdam, Holland San Pedro, CA 90733-1666 • Wee Rock, PO Box 333, • Ding Dong Ditch, 7601 Tisdale #C, • Kill Rock Stars, 120 NE State Ave.#418, • Red Scare, PO Box 22306, SF, CA 94122 Springfield, MO 65801 Austin, TX 78757 Olympia, WA 98501 • Resistors, 1131 E. Acacia Ave., • Wicked Singles, 933 Metropolitan Ave. • Dionysus, PO Box 1975, Burbank, CA 91507 • Kiss of Death, PO Box 75550, Glendale, CA 91205 #2L, Brooklyn, NY 11211 • Dirtnap, 2615 SE Clinton St., Tampa, FL 33675 • Revelation, PO Box 5232, • Wolverine, Rochusstr. 48, 40479 Portland, OR 97202 • Last Shot, PO Box 17063, Huntington Beach, CA 92615-5232 Dusseldorf, Germany • Discourage, 1737 SE Morrison St., Seattle, WA 98127 • Rich Bitch, PO Box 1402, Portland, OR 97214 • La-Ti-Da, 2314 Richmond Rd., Victoria, Tempe, AZ 85280 BC, Canada V8R-4R8 (EXPLANATION OF SMURFS BY A CHRISTIAN GROUP.) Send all zines for review to Razorcake, PO Box 42129, LA, CA “Blue demons that 90042. Please to include a contact teach little kids ‘ address, the number call upon (a) goat in of pages, the price, and whether or not times of extreme you accept trades. trouble’.” -You Idiot #4

BLACK VELVET #47, Boo. I’m no perv, but I read so people tips/advice for how to do all sorts of one. Believe I’ve read every issue of $7, 8” x 11 ½”, 40 pgs. can tell me stories, not to tell me that stuff, ranging from car maintenance, this zine, and #4 is the most rock- Black Velvet is a zine from the U.K. they’re not going to tell me some- living like a nomad, and setting up solid, passionate and consistent. If Upon first look, the reader will notice thing. (I’d read newspapers if I want- solar panels. It can be a bit much to all you’re gonna check out an issue, the glossy cover and pages, as well as ed that.) So, option number two is take in, but if you’re really into stuff make it this one. –Keith Rosson extensive articles on the acts covered. “work of fiction,” and I hope this is like this, this is probably a good (Craven Rock, PO Box 20692, This issue features: The Starting Line, the direction that the author, Joe, goes resource for you. Furthermore, there’s Seattle, WA 98102) Bowling For Soup, Rise Against, in, because the amateur psychologist a distro of similar zines, so if you Bleed The Dream, Zebrahead, and in me sees a passive-aggressive glim- can’t find what you need here, you FIFTH GRADE, 3 stamps or trade, lots more. There are also a ton of mer of hope in the protagonist. And can still find it out somewhere else. If 4.25” x 5.5”, copied, 44 pgs. reviews (singles, albums, live, zines, Joe could show, intimately, how a any of this is the least bit interesting to Brilliant idea. Ben, the creator of this etc.) and the writing is all fairly well character could be so passionate, you, track this down. –Joe Evans III little memoir, had all of his shit burn done. There’s a good mix of black and smartly critical, and emotionally (Bert, PO Box 190-L, Philomath, OR up in his apartment a long time ago. white and color photos that compli- dumb simultaneously, but steer him 973370-0190) Lost all of his possessions. When ment the solid layout. Compared to into new waters and I could start root- going through a box at his mom’s many zines, there were very few ads, ing for him. Right now, I’m mostly EAVES OF ASS #4, house, he found his fifth grade year- which is nice when reading an article. wincing and thinking, “Dude, uh, that $2 or trade, 4¼” x 7”, copied, 28 pgs. book, one of the very few remaining I only had two complaints. One is that girl’s about to fuck you over, you’re Feel a bit weird about reviewing this relics of his childhood. So what he’s the artists covered just weren’t up my being selfish by lack of communica- one, as Craven’s stayed at my house done is drawn a bunch of very simple alley and their taste in music seemed tion, and you’re not handling this very before, and we’ve gotten shitfaced line portraits of a bunch of the kids a little juvenile and bland, the other well.” There’s hope and I’ll definitely and done zine readings together. I’ve from that yearbook, many of them being that the price is kind of steep, pick up number three. –Todd (Joe seen the mofo in some uncompromis- interspersed with touching or funny but I guess it costs more to send stuff Evans, [email protected]) ing positions, but for the sake of jour- stories about the people. It’s a quick across the pond. If the type of stuff nalistic integrity I’ll just stick to read, but absolutely charming as hell covered sounds like your cup of tea, DRUNKEN MASTER #2, $3, what’s being presented in EOA #4. So from the first page to the last. It’s def- then by all means check this rag out 5 ½” x 8 ½”, color cover, this is the fourth issue of the zine, sub- initely one of those smack-the-fore- because it’s definitely got some good photocopied, 62 pgs. titled “Fort Venom Stories.” Called head ideas I wish I’d thought of first. style. –Kurt Morris (Black Velvet, People who have their shit together thusly because it’s a mildly fictional Really nice work. –Keith Rosson 336 Birchfield Rd., Webheath impress me. People who have their and loosely structured story revolving (Love Bunni Press c/o Ben Frazier, Redditch, Worcs., B974NG, England) shit together, work full-time jobs, around the tenants of an apartment 2622 Princeton Rd., Cleveland have a young child who they cherish, building titled Fort Venom (due to the Heights, OH 44118) BUTTON MASHER #1 and #2, and continue putting out kick-ass ridiculous amount of King Cobra malt email for price, interesting trades zines that they’ll never see any finan- liquor consumed there). I’m sure he’ll GAINES STREET SAINTS considered, 5 ½” x 8 ½”, cial returns on, well, that’s humbling. consider this a burn, but when he’s on #3, $? 8 ½” x 7”, copied, 26 pgs. photocopied, 24 pgs. In the land of instant gratification and (and despite the typographical errors A very respectable issue of Gaines Set up like an episodic book, it leaves blogs, you gotta take pause and real- in this issue, he’s most assuredly on), Street Saints that covers me wondering if it’s a perzine or “a ize that certain things don’t get out- Craven’s reminiscent of Aaron Tallahassee, Florida bands (Cheap work of fiction closely related to the dated. At the top of that list: quality. Cometbus at his best. And not in the Thrills, County Hell, Call For Fire, author’s life.” And the difference, All controlled by the deft, kung-fu sense that he’s copying anything, but Lucky Scars), a few reviews, a although subtle, could be the key to hand of Kiyoshi, Drunken Master is that they’re both writers who are able bizarre column that ends with a skin this getting much better. As it stands, part Frank Miller meets manga to totally immerse the reader in their saying, “Just buy me a beer and Button Masher is fine. It’s about a comics, part essay, part “Hey, this is respective worlds; in Craven’s case fuck off!” and a myriad of pictures. dude who doesn’t like much, scrapes really cool, a bar with twelve pinball it’s a world filled to the brim with The questions with each interview by in college, is already nostalgic for machines in the back.” And it’s all fucked and damaged characters des- seemed to be fairly similar; it years past, and is working his way distilled and controlled and personal- perately searching for something, would’ve been nice to see a little through getting a punk band together ized, so it doesn’t come across dis- intangible or not. Nice thing is that more diversity, but I definitely that he likes. Fair enough. It’s a fast jointed or haphazard when Kiyoshi Craven’s writing is so goddamn artic- respect zines that want to support read. If it’s a perzine: it assumes too interviews a fetish actress who gets ulate and thoughtful—he tackles their local scene and interview the much. In episode one, the dude moves food tossed at her, and two pages everything from class issues to a local bands. The layout is pretty back home. He doesn’t say how far later, it’s a picture of and homage to nameless kind of restlessness and simple but good enough and defi- home is or give much indication his mother’s passing. DM is an open futility with the same eloquence. I nitely better than anything I’ve ever beyond which hatred is less: hatred of invite into a friendly, thoughtful, won- don’t really want to give a lot of this done in my own zines. If you’re his parents or his roommate who derfully drawn world. –Todd (no thing away, but it’s a coherent and interested in what’s going on down pissed in the closet. (When he leaves address listed) chronological story about the rise and in Tallahassee or want to read a suddenly, there’s oddly no talk what- demise of an apartment building decent skinhead zine, check this soever about rent.) Also, as a perzine, DWELLING PORTABLY, May taken over by a bunch of Louisville out. –Kurt Morris (Gaines Street when he gets to messing around with 2006, $1, 5 ½” x 8 ½”, copied, 20 pgs. punks—ceaseless drinking, random Saints, PO Box 3411, Tallahassee, a girl, the curtains close and the read- This is somewhat of a how-to guide destruction, and some pretty heartfelt FL 32315-3411) er is left up to their imaginations. for alternative lifestyles. There are soul-searching are all evident in this GENETIC DISORDER #18, –Brian Mosher (published by Butcher this; one that was a single page fold- ROCKIT! #1, $?, 4” x 5”, $3, 5 ½” x 8 ½”, color cover, Shop Press, Rose of Sharon Press, ed up, and another that was five other photocopied, 32 pgs. offset, 62 pgs. and Temple of Man) issues all put together. Personal style, This was sent to Razorcake as part of With time and dedication, if one with topics ranging from tattoos, tips a thank you letter for me deciding not works hard enough, one becomes MAXIMUM ROCKNROLL for going on tour, and food. If you’re to fold the zine when I was having a what they love. And Genetic Disorder #275, $4/5, 8½” x 11”, interested, your best bet’s to write rough time dealing with a broken leg. has become just that. What Larry printed, 144 pgs. (there wasn’t anything specified, but And Rockit! reads like a thank-you Genetic finds impressive in others— By the time I got this for review, I’d I’d say include a buck or two, or some letter to Emily’s town of Carbondale, like Iggy Scam actually going out in already bought it probably a month stamps just to be polite), and wait for Illinois and a thank you letter to her the world and practicing what he’s earlier, so that pretty much assures a bunch of cool surprises to come in friends. While it’s rough (the reader writing about—Larry does himself. you I already like this. Besides, this the mail. —Joe Evans III (530 S. gets thrust into pre-existing situa- Larry’s not only funny, he’s smart and is MRR: if you’re into punk you Clinton #8, Iowa City, IA 52240) tions, folks aren’t introduced, and it’s he’s a dirtbag lifer, and that makes either already know what to expect, sort of assumed you’re a bit familiar him a strong ally for anyone reading or will find out soon enough. There’s POOR AND FORGOTTON, #23 with the zine’s surroundings), this sentence. In this issue: Larry gets the columns, reviews, scene reports, & 24, $1/stamps/trade, Emily’s tenderness and plain niceness a personal copy of San Diego’s and letters from fans saying, “I am 4¼” x 2½”, copied, 1 pg/folded. make this a good read. It’s also issue mayor’s resignation on official letter- really, really punk rock, and this is Total DIY effort from #1, a good place to start. A love of head. The document actually reads at why….” Highlights this issue include Massachusetts. Issue #23 is mostly Cometbus, Jawbreaker, and crushes is the bottom “cc: City part one of a special on NYC punk an interview with the Papercut Zine much better than a love of frat keg- Councilmembers, City Manager, space ABC No Rio, as well as a Hard Library, and #24 is mostly about tat- gers, Staind, and unprotected sex with Larry Genetic Disorder.” Impressive. Skin tour diary (however, there is no toos, smoking, and being in jail. I strangers. I’m hoping that Emily uses Larry’s also impressed by John mention of me taking a boot to the couldn’t relate to the second one too those influences, ingests them, and Reis—the former guiding light face at one of the Philly shows, well, but I do like zines, so I enjoyed starts looking towards another strong behind Rocket From The Crypt and which was clearly a major part of the the Papercut issue a lot. Both have voice: her own. –Todd (No address) now the pirate ship captain of The night). –Joe Evans III (PO Box other miscellaneous stuff like comics Sultans—because John starts out with 460760, SF, CA 94146-0760) and punk word searches. –Joe Evans SATAN’S FROSTBITE #1, a fully formed concept, and, step by III (Matt Johnson, PO Box 59, $4, 8 ½” x 11”, copied, 4 pgs. step, fills that concept in so it’s cohe- Linwood, MA 01525) Four dollars for four pages of con- “If I wanted to be caustic, I’d say it’s the Razorcake of the vegan bulletbelt scene. But then I’d have to say Razorcake is just a toilet mag for drunks, and neither one’d be fair.” Slug & Lettuce #86

sive. And that’s exactly what #18 NONSENSICAL WRITINGS OF PUDD’NHEAD #2, $2 ppd, 8½” x tent? Are you serious? Beyond that, feels like: personal vision nailed AN ANGRY YOUNG NERD #5, 11”, photocopied, 56 pgs. it’s frustrating because it’s all just a down tight. Larry loves San Diego $?, 5½” x 8½”, photocopied, 14 pgs. Hand drawn and written, this is a cal- story, told in thirteen parts and for that enough to question its politicians The title’s a little confusing, since the endar for the period of May 1, they want four bucks? I probably directly while asking them questions zine makes sense and the writer does- 2006–May 1, 2007. There is a sepa- wouldn’t even give this a good they’ve never been asked, visit and n’t seem all that angry. The meat and rate drawing for each day, usually review if it was free. The fact that write about its sewage treatment potatoes of this issue is a great inter- focused on that day’s “Word of the they want four bucks for it just makes plant, interview its bands, and it’s all view with Mike Wiebe of the Day.” The author also supplies defin- it the nail in the coffin. –Kurt Morris tied together tightly, expertly, so that Riverboat Gamblers. The issue starts itions and examples of usage for each (Whizzbanger Productions, PO Box his zine is pretty much a present to be off with “don’t believe the hype” until day’s word. The “Word of the Day” 5591, Portland, OR 97228) unwrapped every time it comes in the Nerd actually listens and sees the range from fairly ordinary (stri- mail. –Todd (PO Box 15237, San Gamblers and gets converted. The dent–“Characterized by brutal raging SKYSCRAPER, Spring 2006, Diego, CA 92175) cool thing is that the interview is discordant sound, loud and obtru- $5, 8½” x 11”, printed, 127 pgs. great. They get into the appropriation sive,” “If it ain’t strident, I ain’t From the looks of it, you would think HARVEY KEITEL, HARVEY of the Big Boys logo into the buyin’ it.”) to medical terminology this is more of an indie rock maga- KEITEL, HARVEY KEITEL, $?, Gambler’s logo (with Tim Kerr’s (rheum–“the liquid that drips out of zine, but I was surprised. There’s fea- 5½” x 8½”, offset/ professionally blessing), the ins and outs (mostly your eyes and nose when, say, you get tures on Parts & Labor (who are bound, 96 pgs. outs, mostly warfare on the losing pepper sprayed,” “After Clint and I great), but also John Wilkes Booze, This is a for-real book of real poetry side) of playing the Warped Tour, and got pepper-sprayed, we couldn’t see Das Oath, and the Clorox Girls by real poets, not just a zine thrown Mike still feeling bad that he knocked anything and we had rheum running amongst others. Pretty much reviews together by some kids. It’s full of a lot out bassist, Pat’s teeth out by accident all over our faces. So we went to the and band features/interviews, but at of anti-war sentiment, and tons of while playing in San Francisco. I’m a Wienery and ate a badass meal.”) to least it’s really thorough, and there’s a social commentary of a generally lib- sucker for a good interview and when the just plain obscure (prolix–“way good amount of variety. –Joe Evans eral tilt. For the most part, it’s all very any zine can suck me into one, well, too long and drawn-out, using too III (www.skyscrapermagazine.com) well done, in an academic sort of that’s all the recommendation I need. many words,” “from a production way—just the kind of stuff your col- Good stuff. PS: To all the zinesters standpoint, this is a prolix project I SLUG & LETTUCE #86, lege English professor would have out there, write your goddamned have going here.”). Being forced to free in person or $1 ppd., loved for you to turn in. I found it postal address in the zine. That’s how read the whole thing at once, I’d have 11” x 15”, newsprint, 20 pgs. mostly dry and boring. Three differ- people you don’t know can get it to say that it’s definitely prolix from a Dude, it’s Slug & Lettuce. What am I ent poets contributed: John Dorsey, S. through the mail. –Todd (angryy- consumer standpoint, as well. supposed to say? If I wanted to be A. Griffin and Scott Wannberg. But [email protected]) Probably easier to take if you read it caustic, I’d say it’s the Razorcake of there’s little if any real difference in one day at a time, as was intended, the vegan bulletbelt scene. But then the stylistic approaches they take or NOSE KNOWS, THE, $?, 5½” x but still not exactly thrilling or enter- I’d have to say Razorcake is just a toi- the material they cover. The publish- 4¼”, copied, various page lengths taining. –Brian Mosher let mag for drunks, and neither one’d ers provide no purchase price and no Initially, I was a little confused with (Puddin’head, [email protected]) be fair. So with S & L, you know it address or contact information. the set up, as I got two “issues” of and you dig it or you know it and you

105 don’t. It’s still a huge tabloid-sized Detroit 2006 (which I think is a ures. He’s not an easy guy to get have) enough to warrant having newsprint zine, it’s still chock-full joke), up-skirt photos, and other along with, apparently, but most their CD smashed, dipped into of six- or seven-point type, still bullshit. With such a small amount artists aren’t. Reading this you get a chocolate, and eaten, at least loaded with tons of resources, con- of content (eight pages total) and sense of what Mr. Ellis is really like, according to a piece here that was tact info, reviews, photos, ads, and most of it seemingly of the smutty and it’s not a pretty picture. He pretty funny. –Joe Evans III (PO columns, all with a heavy variety, can’t say that there’s a lot drinks too much, snorts cocaine, Box 63680, Philadelphia, PA, thrash/crust/activist slant. It still here that interested me. –Kurt can’t keep a job, his apartment’s a www.wonkavision.com) gives me that good feeling whenev- Morris (myspace.com/swamptuna) mess… and it’s not like he’s proud er I see it—Chris’s tirelessness and of this stuff. It’s just the way it is. YOU IDIOT #4, $2, stamina is definitely something to TRUST, Feb./Mar. 06, 2.5 euros, 8 This is a good read. –Brian Mosher 5½” x 8 ½”, photocopied, 28 pgs. be admired, and it’s rad to read ½” x 12”, printed, 64 pgs. (Unfurnished Rooms c/o House of This is awesome and fuckin’ funny. columns by people who are fully I’ll start by saying this: Trust is pret- Vlad Press, Gainesville, FL, house- Penning a perennial favorite zine of aware of how ugly the world is and ty much entirely in German. I think. [email protected]) mine, Nate Gangelhoff has sharp- still manage to remain somewhat After four years of Spanish class, ened his satire’s blade like a scythe hopeful and active. If you haven’t and two college semesters of WONKAVISION going through claymation versions read the thing yet, for fuck’s sake French, I can’t speak or read a word #31, $3, 8½” x 11”, printed, 98 pgs. of Bible tales, all with a critical eye. send Chris Boarts a dollar and a nice of either, so I think you know where Yeah, I’m aware that punk has been This issue of You Idiot seems easy letter; while they’re not covering the I’m going with this. To the best of a “household” name for quite some enough: make fun of Christians by exact same scenes, there’s more my ability, this is a pretty compre- time now, but it still strikes me as bringing up how they get bent out of cross-pollination between S & L and hensive magazine about everything weird when I see full size, glossy shape about the devil. But what Heartattack than with any of the that’s going on in Europe, and with- music magazines like this that don’t makes YI truly special is realizing other bigger zines, and with in punk rock in general. I’ll be hon- have some jerky rock star on the that America has gone so far right Heartattack recently folding, the est, I really made no effort to figure cover. It’s not a bad thing; it’s just that wacko Christians are now resources and information S & L out what the sex article was about. strange to me. Anyway, there isn’t attacking run-of-the-mill Christians. provides will wind up being more –Joe Evans III (Dolf anything like “super obscure best It’s no longer Pat Robertson against valuable than ever. –Keith Rosson Hermannstader, Postfach 11 07 62, thrash bands from Antarctica round Jello Biafra. It’s Christians against (Slug & Lettuce, PO Box 26632, Bremen, Germany) up,” but there’s still some cool stuff, Christian Rock. It’s Christians Richmond, VA 23261-6632) like music going from Ted Leo to against My Little Pony (any and all UNFURNISHED ROOMS Saul Williams, articles on bands unicorns are off limits, too), SWAMP TUNA #4, free, (TO DIE IN), going back and forth over the Pokemon, the Smurfs (“blue demons 5 ½” x 8 ½”, copied, 8 pgs. $2.50, 5½” x 8½”, offset, 56 pgs. U.S./Canada border, mix tapes, and that teach little kids ‘to call upon (a) If I told you that the cover of Swamp Here’s another outstanding collec- Clear Channel (The best part of goat in times of extreme trouble’”), Tuna had a man’s face emerging tion of poetry and prose from B. which is that it’s actually a fair, well and Stryper. So, if you like laughing, from the lips of a vagina with his Alan Ellis. The material is personal, thought out piece, and not just “WE want to get the inside Christian poop hands on both sides as though he’s but he presents it in a way that is HATE CLEAR CHANNEL. WHY? about why the Harry Potter books emerging from out of the woman, universally understandable and BECAUSE, UM, IT’S LIKE, YOU straight-rail kids to hell, or haven’t that should give you a good idea of relatable. Most of the poems deal KNOW, BAD. OR SOME- read a good zine in awhile, here’s the what this short zine is like. Inside with failed relationships, and the THING.”). I don’t know who Aiden salve that heals. –Todd (Nate are details on how to make a male author is completely aware of his are, but apparently they’re terrible Gangelhoff, PO Box 8995, sex toy, an interview with Mr. own responsibility for these fail- (judging by the full page ad they Minneapolis, MN 55408) Cocksparrer: Tom Denny. Right from the start you are bar- What You See Is What You Get: DVD raged with a ton of imagery and color that would Cocksparrer is an anomaly in the rock world. be amplified with a good hallucinogenic. Aside Everything about their music—well crafted pop from the graphics presented, this is a music bombs slathered with enough punk to give ‘em based compilation. Featured are videos of an edge, delivered by a top-notch band with a Weedeater, Buried Sea, Buzzoven, Lair of the monster of a singer—screams out for them to be Minotaur, I Klatus, Starchild, King Fire Goat, international superstars living high on the hog Debris Inc., and closing with a vintage clip from next door to Keith Richards on some remote Anal Cunt. If you like a multi media experience island, yet they have remained a bit of a cult act mixed with mostly heavy sludgecore bands in terms of mainstream success. While there is added with some adult-themed animation thrown no doubting they have had a respectable career in for good measure, this might be of interest to and their influence on a vast number of bands you. As an added bonus, two short films are has been huge, it is maddening that one doesn’t included. –Donofthedead (Doomed Messiah, c/o hear “Because You’re Young,” “Teenage Heart” Cyphlon Studio, 8914 E. Fairview Ave., San or the perennial crowd pleaser “Sunday Gabriel, CA 91775, www.doomedmessiah.com) Stripper” blasting from a million stereos at any given minute. Ah, well, fuck the punters who’d Hirax: Thrash Til Death: rather blather on about the latest corporate pup- Live in Concert: DVD pet to win American Idol than pay attention to “This is underground metal, not any of that something with a longer shelf life than one tele- mainstream bullshit!” yells Katon Depena in vision season. Those of us with half a wit know between songs at this show, filmed at the Cocksparrer have delivered the goods with sur- Minneapolis Mayhem II festival in 2005. In case prising consistency over the course of three you didn’t know, Hirax has been blasting out decades. That said, this DVD is a veritable full-speed-ahead heavy metal since the ‘80s. smorgasbord of eye candy for the discerning They’ve done records for labels as big as Metal ‘Sparrer fan. On the two discs contained herein, Blade, and as punk as Six Weeks. This concert one will find a full live set from 2003’s showcases the band, maybe not in their best Morecambe Holidays in the Sun festival, shape, but certainly in their purest form. These footage from their 2000 trek through the U.S., a dudes still thrash pretty hard for a bunch of old movie detailing the band’s history, video clips guys, and it’s hard not to find Katon Depena’s from as far back as 1977, lyrics for all four of over-enthusiastic thanks between every song at their studio albums, a guitar tutorial, even more least a little bit endearing. Production-wise, the live footage and a video collection of some people who put this DVD together did the best “Sunday Strippers” who have graced the stage. with what they had to work with, which is a As expected, everything here, from the perfor- three-camera recording with pretty rotten sound mance to the packaging, is top-notch. Dunno if quality. There’s cool graphics and they really they’re planning on ever releasing another full- worked hard on it. If you’re a Hirax fan you’ll length studio record—in fact, it appears they’re totally want this, otherwise you’ll probably live looking to finally call it a day—but if they don’t, without it. –Ben Snakepit this is a great way to go out. –Jimmy Alvarado (http://www.blackdevilrecords.com) (TKO, 8941 Atlanta Ave. #505, Huntington Beach, CA 92646) Refused: Are Fucking Dead: DVD As this point in time, Refused seem like more Doomed Messiah: Beholden 2 None: DVD and more a myth than a group of individuals who I took a lot of LSD while I was in high school. used to be in some band, you know? And it’s Actually, I liked to be fucked up a lot back then. similar to religion—most people who’ve heard This video magazine would have been great to them are either naysayers, rolling their eyes and have in those times while my friends and I wondering what the big deal is, or they’ve got tripped out on anything visual. This is the brain- the band’s freakin cover art tattooed on their ass- child of artist/ videographer/ graphic designer cheeks or something. Somewhere in the middle (though it’s pretty rare, seems like) are peo- “Yo-Yo,” “Repeat Offender,” “Hoosegow” ple like me who own a few of their records (of course), “Fuck You... That’s Why.” and are kind of “eh” about ‘em, who think Damn, it’s all good. The sound and video there are moments where they really hit the also rule. The only thing that was a little mark (I still think just about every band, lackluster was the commentary. There were within either the screamo scene or the dick- many instances where they just stopped talk- shrinkingly shitty “nu-metal” field could ing and watched the video. It’s a small gripe, learn a thing or two from a song like “New but if you’re gonna do a commentary, then Noise”), and also moments where you real- do it. Still, it’s an amazing release that will ize you’re really glad that Rage Against The have to keep me content until I can find Machine broke up, too. That said, I was away to get the Peddlers up to Canada. –Ty totally prepared to pan this—if it served as Stranglehold (TKO, 8941 Atlanta Ave. #505 nothing more than another hot air machine Huntington Beach, CA 92646 USA) that served only to elevate a disbanded group that quite possibly really wasn’t that Space Cretins: Rocket Roll: DVD-R incredible to begin with. But after watching Pretty cool, pro-looking DVD-R from this the DVD, I’ve come to a few conclusions: a) Seattle band. I am sure they get compared to They actually were a pretty innovative band Dickies meets Ramones a lot, but to my ears for their time—the stuff they’re playing isn’t the sound is more refined. To be perfectly easy to do, by any means, and probably even honest, the first thing that comes to mind is harder to actually write. b) I actually found Zowie Fenderblast from Lee Harvey Oswald myself eventually admiring the band’s can- Band fronting the Groovie Ghoulies. Really didness and honesty. cool, glammy vocals over hard-charging The film was compiled, assembled, and poppy punk, all at warp speed. To make edited by one of the band members, and fea- myself clear, that is one hell of a combina- tures interviews from everyone in the band tion and I am digging it! This DVD is a col- and people who toured with them. There’s lection of well done rock video-style videos, plenty of live show footage—huge arena complete with lip synching and intercut shows to the last basement they ever played footage. The songs are great and the perfor- in before the cops shut it down. It’s all in mances are high energy. Also includes bonus Swedish (with subtitles), the production footage with skits and more. Good stuff. A values and editing are absolutely top notch, very well done self-released video. –Mike and it avoids that blank-eyed hero worship I Frame (Killing Pig, 322 N. 74th St., Seattle, seem to run across every time I talk to WA 98103) someone who really likes the band. That was one of my big worries about the film: Space Cretins: Rocket Roll: DVD I’d just recently watched the Shane I liked the CD when I reviewed it a while McGowan documentary, If I Should Fall back. I don’t like the DVD. Cheeseball from Grace, and found it to be a poorly videos that make me rethink the songs that I recorded, edited, and conceived piece of liked before. Bad video effects, bad synch- claptrap. Unlike that film, Refused: Are ing… Just bad. –Ty Stranglehold (Killing Fucking Dead provides actual information Pig, 322 N. 74th St., Seattle, WA 98103) about the band—how they started, what their initial shows, ideas, and hopes were Willowz: See in Squares: DVD like, and the eventual crash and burn after I don’t know exactly what it is, but there is seven years of playing together. some odor attached to the case of this DVD This film’s definitely one of those things that’s really fucking up my sinuses. The that people are either going to be interested videos are cool, though. What you get is a in or not, regardless of what some dickhead wide variety of different approaches to the writing for Razorcake says. But I will also art of the music video because The Willowz say that as someone who wasn’t really shit- have hooked up with a wide variety of film- fire enamored with the band, the production makers. There are a total of twenty-six values, the strength of the interviews with videos, plus a bit of live footage filmed by Refused and people who knew them all, and the band themselves. The videos are creative the intensity of the live performances all and, for the most part, quite interesting. My made me sure that I wasn’t bored for a sec- favorites are the ones utilizing a kind of ond either. If you’re even a distant fan of the stop-action filming, in which the three mem- band, this one’ll probably floor you. –Keith bers of the band must have spent hours Rosson (Epitaph/Burning Heart, 2798 jumping up and down while playing their Sunset Blvd., LA, CA 90026) instruments—and an animated one in which lead singer Richie James Follin becomes Smut Peddlers: Live at DiPiazzas: DVD separated from his legs, and has to try to I find it hard to find music DVDs that cater catch them again. One thing is for sure—not to the music I like. It’s a shame because I’m one of these videos is like another. If you’re a bit of a DVD junkie. I guess “excited” is a not familiar with The Willowz, their sound is word you could use when I heard that one of somewhere on the indie pop side of the my favorite bands, Smut Peddlers, would be garage with smart lyrics. As long as the putting out a live vid. TKO did a great job boxes don’t all smell like this one, it’s worth with this. The packaging is great, as is the a look. –Brian Mosher (Screaming Peach, second disc with the CD version of the show. PO Box 291746, LA, CA 90029, Nice touch. Now on to the meat. If you www.screamingpeach.com) know Smut Peddlers, you know what to expect. Straight up, no bullshit punk rock that’ll kick your doors in and key your car on the way out. The set is a tight collection of Peddlers’ faves spanning pretty much all of their releases. Personal highlights include