centers of North America cannot be credited What does all this mean? It probably means Jews and Non-Jews: Falling in Love* with "unique institutional functions" this that uniqueness will be stricken from institu­ does not mean that a Jewish community center tional vocabularies and that a comprehensive Steven Huberman cannot play a unique and very significant role approach to service is indicated. If this is so it Planning Associate, Combined Jewish Philanthropies of Greater Boston, Massachusetts in a particular community. But so can a poses the hard question as to whether each particular family agency, home for the aged, institution has the responsibility for providing Converts tend to bifurcate Judaism into ethnic and religious categories. They feel that they synagogue or indeed Jewish Federation. a total range of services. No doubt this cannot be good Jews in ethnic terms. As one respondent remarked, "I will always know I am A unique function or functions in a Jewish question is best answered locally in deter­ different." Thus, converts tend to turn to religion to validate their Jewishness. Converts who community center may be precisely what is mining the dynamics of the particular locale. It took Judaism seriously in our study indicated that being a good Jew means becoming a called for in a given community at a given may be an expression of individual bias for me "religious" Jew. time. The character of the agencies in a to say that the nature of the present Jewish particular community and the nature of their community center in most communities in the We were poor people, you know, even subject accept the late Dr. Albert Gordon's interrelationships, the relationships of lay and United States would make that agency ideally though my father was a Baptist minister. I definition of "intermarriage."! It is a professional people, and the relative access to suited to serve as such a multi-service agency. was raised by a Jewish doctor and his wife. marriage between a Jew and someone who is resources (their availability to one rather than While this may appear to fit the Jewish They said they would see that I was taken by birth a non-Jew. A Jew married to a born care of and raised right. I didn't convert another institution)—all these factors and community center's present relation to other Catholic is, thus, intermarried. There are two while young, but I think the seed might have more serve to shape function. Jewish communal institutions there is not yet types of intermarriage, mixed marriage and been planted then. In fact, I got disinherited These realities would suggest that no insti­ sanction for the Center assuming such a role by marrying a Christian. Then after I had mitzvah marriage. without the most careful consideration and tution as a whole has "unique" functions. nothing to gain, I converted. When mother We shall use the term "mixed marriage" to Rather it would seem that the Jewish involvement of other Jewish communal insti­ died, I rejected Jesus. I believed in one God, describe a marriage in which the non-Jew does community contains a multiplicity of agencies, tutions. Indeed as I have suggested the very but couldn't tolerate Jesus. Jesus betrayed not convert to Judaism. We shall use the term each attempting to serve that totality which recognition of the diversity of the Jewish me because of my mother's death. Then I met "mitzvah marriage," for want of a better eludes definition—the American Jewish com­ community and the recognition that complex a rabbi who helped me, gave me books to phrase, to describe a marriage in which the read. Finally, I became a Jew. The ceremony munity. The very diversity of that community individual, group and community needs Gentile does convert to Judaism. This term has was a once-in-a-lifetime feeling. I don't have defies the possibility of uniqueness of func­ require a multi-service delivery system would been coined by Rabbi Allen Mailer, President the words. What a juicy story, huh? tion, of method, of program or of particular hold that a total community plan for working of JOIN-US (Jews United to Welcome institutional form. toward these objectives is what is indicated. So reports a convert to Judaism in a study I Christians into the Family of Israel). Wisely or unwisely, we take heed of the Failing the development of such a com­ recently completed. This survey represents the Using these definitions, what are the rates of reality of the gap between the need and what munal agency and accepting the continued first in-depth evidence of the implications of intermarriage? According to the National we are doing. We are sensitive to the limits of existence of a multiplicity of agencies each conversion for the Jewish community and Jewish Population Study, one in three any one method or particular form of service commited to the same objectives, what can we polity. marriages involving a Jew is an intermarriage. and we are disenchanted with specialization. then say of "uniqueness?" I would submit This paper will discuss the following Approximately 75 percent of these inter­ Our efforts have shown us that effectiveness in that uniqueness in these circumstances inheres subjects: marriages do not result in conversion of the meeting the needs of people lies in a more in the dedication in one professional role and 1. Definition of Key Terms non-Jewish partner. About 25 percent of all comprehensive approach toward meeting such as responsible laymen to the Jewish com­ 2. The Conversion Study: Its Methodology intermarriages do result in a conversion of the needs. munity and how best to serve it. 3. Who Converts to Reform Judaism non-Jewish partners. Therefore, the pro­ 4. Conversion Motivation portion is 75 percent mixed marriage to 25 5. The Practices and Beliefs of Converts percent mitzvah marriage.2 6. Family Matters Two additional terms require clarification, 7. Becoming a Jew: "convert" and "conversion." These terms Problems and Prospects come from a Latin root meaning to change 1. Definition of Key Terms one's way of life. We shall use the term

At the outset, I will specify exactly what is 1 Albert Gordon, "Intermarriage—What It Is" inter-marriage, mixed marriage, mitzvah mar­ in Milton Barron, ed., The Blending American. riage, and conversion. Most students of the Chicago: Quadrangle Books, 1972, pp. 5-10. 2 George Johnson, "Comparing the Inmarried * Presented at the Annual Meeting of the and Intermarried: Implications of the National Conference of Jewish Communal Service, Gros- Jewish Population Study," Analysis, 32 (January singer, New York, May 30, 1978. 15, 1973). 264 265 "conversion" to refer simply to the abandon­ viewing; and 5) a questionnaire—the primary former Catholics; 39 percent were former Reform Judaism is better than being an ment of Hinduism, Catholicism, or some other data source. All intermarried converts in the Protestants; 9 percent were of a mixed atheist." religion and the adoption of Judaism. This Boston area that we could locate were sent a religious background; and 3 percent were of Most respondents also converted because process of "ecclesiastical conversion" does questionnaire. This survey achieved an 85 other faiths. Thus, Protestants are more likely they wanted to give their future children a not have to result in a sweeping change in the percent rate of return, an extremely rare to convert to Judaism than Catholics. sense of identity. One person told us: person's attitudes and behavior. "I used to think that my children should success rate. What are some of the results we 4. Conversion Motivation Jimmy Carter has described himself as a obtained? have no religion. Now I believe children must convert, having been twice born, finding God, We asked our respondents to indicate the have something with which to identify. It is 3. Who Converts to Judaism the way, the truth, the life. However, to most important reason why they converted to unrealistic and naive to feel you can just be a qualify as a convert in our discussion, one Sex Judaism. The questionnaire results in rank person, without a religious label." need not undergo a Jimmy Carter religious order were: The majority of converts to Judaism is 5. The Practices and Beliefs of Converts experience. One simply has to convert for­ female. In our study, 66 percent of the "Judaism is more acceptable than the faith mally to Judaism. converts were female and only 34 percent, in which I was brought up:" 32% Converts tend to bifurcate Judaism into male. I believe a number of factors contribute "It is better to have one religion in the home ethnic and religious categories. They feel that 2. The Conversion Study: Its Methodology to this maldistribution. First, Jewish tradition so that children will not become confused:" they cannot be good Jews in ethnic terms. As The Conversion Study, reported below, was necessitates that male converts be ritually 24% one respondent remarked, "I will always know sponsored by the Union of American Hebrew circumcized. Many men fear circumcision. "To please my spouse:" 20% I am different." Thus, converts tend to turn to Congregations. I served as research director. This deters them from even considering "One religion in the home brings a husband religion to validate their Jewishness. Converts In this study, we focussed on three conditions: conversion. Second, American society still has and wife closer together:" 6% who took Judaism seriously in our study conversion without integration into the new patriarchal elements. Many men expect their "To please the parents of my spouse:" 3% indicated that being a good Jew means social group and its religious life, conversion spouses to accept their last name and assume "To get married in a Jewish ceremony:" 2% becoming a "religious" Jew. with partial integration, and conversion with the male's outer identity rather than vice versa. Other reasons: 12% This inability to become a Jew on ethnic full integration. Our research question is: Third, halakah view the offspring of a Jewish These data indicate that a person usually terms was highlighted by numerous respon­ "What are the factors (correlates) responsible mother as Jewish, regardless of the father's chooses to become a Jew for intrinsic reasons, dents in their interviews: for these levels of integration?" Further, what religion. Thus, many non-Jewish males con­ but that a significant minority become Jews "Judaism is so ethnic. I doubt if I will ever can be done by converts, their spouses, the sider conversion irrelevant. In my opinion, for extrinsic reasons, such as to please their feel really comfortable with other Jews. families related to the converts, and the Jewish these three factors account for the male-female spouse, to please their in-laws, or to be Similarly, how can a born Jew really community and polity to upgrade the Jewish sex ratio in conversion.3 married in a Jewish ceremony. understand me—an Italian Catholic?" identification of converts? In response to the survey question, "what "The problem I see with conversion to Our study population consists of converts to Marital Status advice would you give to others considering Judaism is that I have to change cultures, whereas if one of you born Jews were to Reform Judaism who reside in Greater Boston The bulk of converts are engaged to be conversion?" Most converts replied as follows: convert to Catholicism, it would be a and who are or were married to born Jews. married to a Jew. We found that 71 percent "Make your own decision and don't let religious change, and not necessarily a total change in The converts converted to Judaism from one were engaged; 22 percent were already others, in particular, future in-laws, pressure your way of life." to forty-nine years ago. The typical convert in married; 7 percent were single; and less than vou into it." Furthermore, true conversion would involve our study population converted about four one percent divorced. This statistic means that "Do not do it for love of spouse only. It is a a personality disorganization. It is unrealistic years ago. the immediate precipitant for conversion is hypocrisy." to expect a convert to suppress all of the The findings of this study are based on five marriage to a Jew. "Think it out as rationally as possible. Ask data sources: 1) extant data—we examined the yourself this question, 'Would I remain a Jew feelings and memories which have developed records of 389 converts who graduated the Former Religion if my spouse died or we divorced?' If the over his lifetime. One participant in the conversion class summarizes this point of UAHC conversion program in Boston; 2) an Since Greater Boston is predominantly answer is 'No'—do not convert." view: "I don't want to give up my childhood experience survey—all Reform rabbis and a Catholic in composition, we expected to find The majority of respondents embraced memories, such as my feelings towards nuns. I number of Conservative rabbis in Boston were 60 percent Catholics in our study. In fact, we Judaism because they had come to reject their can't deny what happened years before. They questioned about their experiences with inter­ found that only 48 percent of converts were former faith. marrieds and converts; 3) non-participant As one participant in the Introduction to were pleasant memories." 3 The factors operating against conversion by observation—I attended all sessions of the Judaism class indicated, Our observations about the bifurcation males have also been noted by Rabbi Dr. Mark "I can't believe in Christianity. Catholicism between religiosity and ethnicity among UAHC conversion class and an experiential Winer in his unpublished dissertation, The Demo­ converts are confirmed in the survey data. program for potential converts and their graphy, Causes, and Consequences of Jewish Inter­ is so weird to me—confession, going to pur­ Converts score high on religiosity, low on fiances; 4) interviews—a portion of the study marriage. New Haven: Yale University, 1977, gatory, confessing my sins at the age of seven. universe are undergoing qualitative inter­ pp. 130-131.

266 267 ethnicity. For example, we can compare the Table 3. woman refers to her celebration in this way: standing of each other's family life and religious behavior of converts in our study to Comparison of Converts and Reform Jews "Christmas is devoid of religious meaning. religion." that of born Reform Jews in Boston. The data on Synagogue Attendance We will continue celebrating Christmas devoid "Being of the same religion is one more on Boston's Reform Jewry come from A Frequency Converts Boston Jewry of religious meaning." One born Jew whose thing that we share together. The observances Study of the Jewish Population of Greater family celebrated Christmas stated: help bring us closer together." Once a week— Boston, conducted by the Boston Federation "As a non-religious Jewish family, we had month 12% 10% 7. Becoming A Jew: Problems and Prospects in 1975. Table 1 suggests that converts are Santa Claus, presents, and it was great fun. Every few more religious than born Reform Jews. You can be a good Jew and celebrate Religious conversion is a very difficult and months 33% 15% Christmas. We never connected any religious painful experience. Conversion is frequently a Table 1. Only High symbolism to Christmas. We will celebrate trying emotional experience. For example, Comparison of Converts and Reform Jews Holy Days 35% 37% both holidays (Chanukah and Christmas), but converts usually feel guilty. One convert says: on Jewish Practices Less often devoid of religion." "I turned my back on the tradition that or never 20% 38% Jewish Practice Converts Reform Jews Although our study focused on the trans­ nurtured me. I may be losing the truth. Observe Although converts have a high level of formation of the convert, we asked the Jewish Celebrating Passover not Easter makes me feel Passover Seder 91% 89% religious identification, the survey data con­ fiances and spouses if attending the conversion guilty." Light Sabbath firm their low level of ethnicity. Tables 4 and program had changed their views toward This feeling of guilt is often exacerbated by Judaism. The following comments of con­ the convert's Christian friends. These friends Candles 49% 30% 5, a comparison of converts and born Jews, reveal the low ethnicity scores. version course participants indicate that the often tell the convert that he is crazy or an Fast on conversion experience forces the born Jew to outright traitor for converting. Yom Kippur 67% 47% Table 4. rethink his attachment to Jewish life: After undergoing this self-recrimination and The discrepancy between the religiosity of Comparison of Converts and Reform Jews "I was into the Jewish thing until Bar hostility by friends, converts expect to be converts and born Jews is more pronounced in Response to the Statement, Mitzvah. Now since my fiance is converting I welcomed with open arms by the Jewish than the data suggest. Converts are much ' 'Being a Jew, I Prefer Jews as enjoy getting back into it. I've learned more in community. When they are not accepted with younger than the born Reform Jews in the Close Personal Friends" the conversion course than in four years of cordiality, converts feel deeply hurt. One Federation study. If converts were compared Response Converts Boston Jewry Hebrew School." convert who was sincere and authentic in her to Jews in a similar age bracket, the religiosity Agree 24% 48% "I've started thinking more about Judaism. conversion, attending religious services regu­ level of converts would be more statistically Disagree 76% 52% For me it's been quite an education being in larly, indicated that her Christian friends significant. the course. I enjoy the exploration." viewed her with disgust. Nonetheless, some Converts are not only more observant of Tables. "I had no contact or interest for so long. Jews who would never enter a synagogue Jewish rituals, they also belong to synagogues Comparison of Converts and Reform Jews Now I feel more contact with my back­ would still say to her: in greater numbers and attend services with in Response to the Statement, ground." Another born Jew makes this "Once a Goy, always a Goy." greater regularity than born Jews. Tables 2 "Being a Jew, I Prefer to Live in startling statement: Most converts also encounter some resent­ and 3 confirm the relatively high level of a Jewish Neighborhood" "Marrying out of your faith forces you to ment from the Jewish family into which they synagogue involvement by converts. Again, Response Converts Boston Jewry rethink your feelings about Judaism. It almost marry. The following anecdotal story is the statistical significance would be even Agree 23% 34% seems like a good thing to do." extreme, but contains a kernel of truth: greater if we controlled for age. Disagree 77% 66% "Irving brings his non-Jewish fiance, Mary 6. Family Matters Table 2. Ann, home to meet his mother. The mother The issue of Christmas is particularly prob­ Comparison of Converts and Reform Jews We asked our respondents a variety of says she will accept Mary Ann. Irving is lematic for converts. Although the majority of on Synagogue Membership questions about their relationships with their relieved and tells his mother, 'Ma, I'm so converts have abandoned observance of parents, in-laws, and spouses. I would like to happy. How come you're so accepting?' His Status Converts Boston Jewry Christmas, a significant minority (26 percent) focus on one issue, namely, the relation mother turns to him and says, 'Irving, I'm Presently continue to observe the holiday. Converts tried between conversion and marital stability. glad you're happy. Do what you want. Now Belong 57% 39% to have fond recollections of Christmas. One Eighty percent of the respondents said that leave me alone. I'll just go upstairs and hang Do Not Belong 43 % 61 % woman in the conversion class remarked: converting to Judaism helped their marriage. myself.' " "Christmas was always so much fun. It's a These survey responses are typical: Finally, conversion causes anguish for the great family celebration. When I convert, I "We observe holidays together and it helps non-Jew's parents. Christian parents are hurt want to be a good Jew but sneak in Christ­ to draw us closer at those times. Conversion when they realize their child will not be mas." The converts who celebrate Christmas has also helped to give us a better under­ married by a priest, their grandchildren will strip it of religious symbolism. Another

268 269 not be baptized, their grandchildren will not with problems. The Jewish polity has an receive communion. This deeply hurts the obligation to help the convert overcome the The United Way as a Source of Jewish Communal Leaders convert's parents. problems inherent in his situation. Rabbis, Deborah Kaplan Polivy For this reason the convert's parents should Jewish communal workers, the spouse, the West Hartford, Connecticut not attend the conversion ceremony. Parents parents and family of the convert must show will be anguished when they hear the convert the newcomer compassion and understanding. ... there may be more and more competition for the managerial group of leaders in the future renounce Christianity and agree to raise his We must extend to the convert .a warm and as the United Way depends more heavily on the Corporate Community and the Jewish children as Jews. In fact, in our study, the heartfelt welcome and do everything possible Federation finds that the population of Jewish entrepreneurs is declining while the population of overwhelming majority (82 percent) of the to involve him or her in all aspects of positive Jewish salaried professionals is increasing. parents of converts did not attend the Jewish living. If such a strategy is truly ceremony. adopted, more non-Jews will convert to Jewish Federation leaders—both volunteers as "official representatives of the Federa­ Once the conversion is complete, most Judaism and converts will become more fully and professionals—frequently suggest that tion," but they do "recognize the common parents try to face the new situation. Once the integrated into the Jewish community. Jewish individuals become involved in the interest of the Jewish and general com­ resentment, anger, and hurt of the parents Intermarriage poses a grave threat to Jewish United Way.l Two reasons are usually given munity," and by implication Avrunin suggests have subsided, parents should try to under­ survival. It does, however, have one element for this suggestion. The first is to increase or at that these latter Jews can express both Jewish stand why their child converted. If the child is of compensation. By welcoming converts into least to maintain the level of United Way and general community interests within the happy in his new state, parents should try to full membership in Jewish life, we may funding to Jewish communal agencies and the forum of the United Way. The further develop a good relationship with the convert demonstrate that "being a Jew is the least second is to ensure the expression of Jewish implication of Avrunin's remarks is that given and spouse. To continue to harass the convert difficult way of being truly human.' '4 interests within the United Way forum. the two primary objectives of the Jewish will serve no purpose. 4 Robert Gordis, Love and Sex. New York: At the same time, two types of Jewish community vis-a-vis the United Way—the In conclusion, becoming a Jew is fraught Farrar, Straus and Giroux, 1978, p. 240. leaders have been identified as serving the increase in funding and the expression of United Way. The first type is those Jewish Jewish interests—the Jewish Federation people who are involved in the Jewish should encourage more of the second group of community to a very limited degree—if at all. Jewish leaders, those who are also Jewish The second type is those Jewish people who Federation leaders, to become involved in the are involved in both the Jewish and the general United Way. communities. William Avrunin has described The purpose of this article is to demonstrate the former group of Jewish leaders as "United that while Avrunin's recommendation is valid, Way Jews." These are people who are "barely the "United Way Jews" are often identified identifiable" as Jews and who do nothing to Jews, and moreover they should be recognized "enhance Jewish participation" in the United as such by the organized Jewish community. Way. Avrunin describes the second group of Furthermore, it is in the best interests of the Jewish leaders in the United Way as having "a Jewish community to tap these United Way strong identity with the organized Jewish com­ leaders for leadership positions in the Jewish munity." These latter Jews, according to Federation. Thus while Avrunin and others Avrunin, do not participate in the United Way suggest that the Jewisn Federation should encourage Jewish Federation leaders to parti­ 1 For example, see Benjamin Rosenberg, "Jewish cipate in the United Way, the Jewish Agencies and Jewish Responsibility" (paper pre­ sented at the 29th General Assembly of the Council Federation should also make use of those of Jewish Federations and Welfare Funds, Detroit, United Way Jewish leaders who are not Michigan, 1960, pp. 4-5); Henry Botuck, "Changing involved in the Federation. Instead of a United Way Policies and Their Impact on Federa­ one-way passage of leaders from the Jewish tion Planning: 'Affirmative Action'—Financing of Federation to the United Way, there should be Select Services" (paper presented at the 43rd a two-way exchange of Jewish leaders between General Assembly of the Council of Jewish Federa­ the Jewish Federation and the United Way. tions and Welfare Funds, November 13-17, 1974); This recommendation is based on the findings and William Avrunin, "Relationship with United of a recent study of Jewish leaders in the Ways," Journal of Jewish Communal Service, United Way, "The Differential Association of XLIX, No. 2 (Winter, 1972).

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