THE UNDERGRADUATE MAGAZINE OF COLUMBIA UNIVERSITY , EST . 1 8 9 0

Vol. XIII No. II October 2006

TAP! YOU’RE IT Meet the Nacoms and the Sachems, Columbia’s secret—ahem, senior—societies by Josie Swindler

DORKS ON JOCKS THE B&W does fall sports

DEPARTMENT OF THE APES Fast times with Columbia primates

ALSO : PIMP MY FAITH , RUSSIAN BATHHOUSES , COACH NORRIES WILSON Editor-in-Chief AVI ZVI ZENILMAN

Managing Editors JESSICA SHIZU ISOKAWA JOSIE DOLL SWINDLER TAYLOR WALSH (Bwog)

Graphics Editor JERONE HSU Web Master ZACHARY VAN SCHOUWEN

Culture Editor MARC TRACY

Senior Editors BRENDAN O. PIERSON PAUL B. BARNDT ANDREW M. FLYNN JAMES R. WILLIAMS

Publisher ANDREW RICHARD RUSSETH

Copy Chief NICHOLAS FRISCH

Editors-at-Large ADDISON ANDERSON, IGGY CORTEZ, IZUMI DEVALIER

Deputy Publisher Bwog Editor INGRID SCHOLZE LYDIA DEPILLIS

Staff Writers BRENDAN BALLOU, JESSICA COHEN, ANNA CORKE, AMANDA ERICKSON, AMARI HAMMONDS, JOHN KLOPFER, KATE LINTHICUM, ALBERTO LUPERON, JOSH MATHEW, ANNA PHILLIPS, KATIE REEDY, YELENA SHUSTER, IAN SOLSKY, SARA VOGEL Artists SUMAIYA AHMED, JULIA BUTAREVA, CHRISTINE DELONG, MATT FRANKS, BEN WEINRYB GROHSGAL, CARLY HOOGENDYK, JENNY LAM, SHAINA RUBIN, ZOE SLUTZKY

Contributors LENORA BABB, ALEX DE LEON, SASHA DE VOGEL, SARAH EBERLE, TOM FAURE, MERRELL HAMBLETON, MARK HOLDEN, LUCIE KROENING, ASHLEY NIN, WILL SNIDER, CHRIS SZABLA

2 THE BLUE AND WHITE THE BLUE AND WHITE Vol. XIII FAMAM EXTENDIMUS FACTIS No. II

COLUMNS 4 BLUEBOOK 8 CAMPUS CHARACTERS 20 DIGITALIA COLUMBIANA 32 MEASURE FOR MEASURE 33 VERILY VERITAS 39 CAMPUS GOSSIP

COVER STORY Josie Swindler 10 TAP! YOU’RE IT Meet the Nacoms and the Sachems, Columbia’s “secret” societies.

FEATURES Anna Phillips 14 DEPARTMENT OF THE APES Fa st times with Columbia primates. Yelena Shuster 17 PIMP MY FAITH Whose God is an awesome God?

DORKS ON JOCKS: FALL SPORTS SECTION Marc Tracy 22 THE NEW GUY A conversation with Coach Norries Wilson. THE BLUE AND WHITE 25 PE DISPATCHES Reports from the front line. Andrew Flynn 26 WINNING IN THEORY Columbia’s Sports Management degree. Marc Tracy 28 THEY DO IT IN SKATES Roller derby, sport of queens. James Williams 30 COACH, INTERRPUTED Those who can’t win, get fired, and other nuances. Sara Vogel 31 THE INTERNATIONAL FIGHT CLUB The jet-lagging life of world class fencers. Amari Hammonds 38 EXERCISE YOUR ETIQUETTE Don’t talk, don’t hover, don’t flirt. Just run.

CRITICISM Katie Reedy 34 THE WEARABLE HIPNESS OF VINTAGE A review of vintage clothing shops. Addison Anderson 36 PAIN AND REDEMPTION IN THE RUSSIAN BATH A review of the Russian and Turkish Bath.

WWW.theblueandwhite.org  COVER: “S ocieties” by Julia Butareva

OCTOBER 2006 3 TRANSACTIONS

DEPARTURES

The hockey team’s season.

Loans for Columbia College and En- gineering students whose families make less than $50,000 a year. In- stead, they’ll receive grants.

President Bollinger’s authority, as Dean Anderson invited Iranian hen the Columbia men’s hockey team posted un- President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad to Wauthorized signs around campus exhorting “Stop speak at CU. Being A Pussy” and almost got their season cancelled, THE BLUE AND WHITE was ecstatic. Not because of any ill The Minutemen. will toward the pucksters, but because we had just em- barked on our first ever Fall Sports issue. ARRIVALS It was a confluence worthy of a middlebrow novelist: plucky, pretentious mag surveys the sporting scene while The hockey team’s season. wannabe Canucks navigate the intricacies of Columbia bureaucracy and the First Amendment. And, gloriously, After a 3-1 record in its first four home it seemed as if this year’s big incident would revolve games, hope that Columbia’s football around the use of the word “pussy.” team might post a winning season for the first time in a decade. Sadly, common sense prevailed—the team apologized, and on October 4 Athletic Director M. Dianne Murphy Nilda Mesa, a veteran of the Clinton gave them back their season. For a moment, there was Administration, as Columbia’s first peace. environmental stewardship coordina- tor. But later that day, the founder of the Minuteman Militia, that embarrassing mascot of the anti-immigration right, Exorbitant cotton prices, from the came to Lerner Hall. Two students, expecting a quick and oddly placed American Apparel on peaceful reaction by Columbia Public Safety, ran on stage Broadway at 109th. during his speech to unfurl a protest banner. But com- petence—even at Columbia—should never be assumed. The redesigned Bwog, and our shame- The Minutemen responded, the crowd rushed the stage, less plug of it. and chaos ensued. For at least a week, right-wingers around the country knew to blame Columbia for 9/11. Civil disobedience!

Yet there is still hope for unity. After watching Univision footage of an older white man viciously kicking a student, I think that both THE BLUE AND WHITE and the hockey team can agree that there’s only one thing to say to a man like that. Even if M. Dianne wouldn’t approve.

Avi Zvi Zenilman Editor-in-Chief Illustrations by Jerone Hsu

4 THE BLUE AND WHITE “As soon as you graduate, you’ll all be investment COME bankers. I’ve been where you’re at. I know you hate AGAIN...? yourselves.” —The few words Minutemen founder Jim Gilchrist got out in his October 4 appearance before students rushed the stage

DIGIT TALES: PIGSKIN REVELATION OF THE Columbia has had one undefeated football season MONTH (5-0, 1915). Schools with the most students who From 1983-1988, Columbia lost forty-four games in play World of Warcraft online: a row, at that time the Division I-AA record; now it is 1. University of Washington second-worst. 4. Stanford Columbia football hasn’t had back-to-back winning 20. Harvard seasons in forty-four years. 22. Cornell 43. NYU Twenty-three CU football players have gone to the NFL. 48. Columbia 77. Brown In 1940, Columbia’s game against Princeton at Baker 79. Yale Field was the first televised sporting event. 86. Pennsylvania In 1921, Columbia purchased the land for Baker Field 98. Princeton for $700,000. 119. FIT 310. Dartmouth —Special thanks to Columbia’s sports historian Bill Steinman Compiled by Ian Solsky

CALENDAR

October 20, 7 p.m., President’s Room at Faculty House Watch former New Jersey governor and current gay American James McGreevey spill his guts. Then get him to sign your copy of The Confession.

October 21, 12:30 p.m., Baker Field Show the ’rents it’s safe above 125th St. by taking them to Baker for the free Family Weekend barbeque, followed by a game against Dartmouth.

October 23-December 15, Harriman Institute, International Affairs Building, 12th Floor Photographer Peggy Jarrell Kaplan’s exhibit “Subject to Arrest: Portraits of Russian Artists: 1984-1995.” Opening Reception with Vitaly Komar on Wednesday, November 1.

October 25, 4:30 p.m., P&S Alumni Auditorium, Medical Center Joan Didion will deliver the 30th Annual Alexander Ming Fisher Lecture. Catch the Med Center’s free shuttle on Amsterdam and 116th.

OCTOBER 2006 B LUEBOOK

ne of the men who plays chess outside an ostensibly Russian man who had been leaning Oren’s Daily Roast at 112th Street claims against the nearest parking meter. Othat he’s there as long as it’s sunny, so I “You gonna play or what?” he asks me. I’m terri- imagine it’s safe to challenge him for the next day fied. I shake my head no and instead listen to them (forecast: clear in the morning, chance of rain in talk for the next hour: why Bob Dylan’s Modern the afternoon). “I’m usually here by ten,” he says. I Times is better than his Love and Theft, Hannibal’s show up in the morning, he doesn’t, and I figure he invasion of Italy, the second season of Law & Or- has forgotten about our match. der, and a memory a few of them share that involves Two days later, as I walk by his table on my way office chair races down Broadway. After two more to Village Copier, he pokes me in the side with his matches I realize it’s getting dark. “Come tomor- bishop. “You’re late.” row and I’ll teach you some theory. It’s supposed One of his friends offers me his chair, so I reluc- to drizzle around four, so you better get here in the tantly sit and look down at the endgame board, ignor- morning.” ing stares. My opponent wears an NYPD t-shirt, sips —Jessica Cohen coffee painfully slowly, and  refers to his twenty-some- n the September 2006 issue of Black Enterprise thing challeng- magazine, Columbia was ranked eighth in the er as “professor.” I“Top 50 Colleges for African Americans,” a po- There is a human sition it has relished since 2003. Considering that skull model at the spots one through six on the list are occupied by his- edge of the table torically black universities and Stanford is seventh, labeled DONA- Columbia can once again lay claim to its bragging TIONS, which rights as “the top Ivy League university for African sits atop Alex- American students” (as stated on the university’s ander Alekh- admissions webpage). ine’s My Best But with Stop Hate on Columbia’s Campus’s cru- Games of sade for reform last year and the racial protests on Chess, 1908- campus in 2004, one must raise an eyebrow at the 1937. I merits of Black Enterprise’s methodology. A review watch a few of the magazine’s ranking criteria left me unsatis- matches: he fied; measures seemed to be a mix of the benignly wins the cur- objective and ambiguously subjective. While BE rent match considered each university’s percentage of Af- in just a few rican Americans and their graduation rate, and m i n u t e s , “surveyed 1,855 African American higher educa- then he beats tion professionals,” these assessments remain neb-

6 THE BLUE AND WHITE BLUEBOOK

and offer advice.” This from a school with oft-ma- ligned class advising centers and a Center for Ca- reer Education obsessed with i-banking. The Columbia College Women’s Mentoring Pro- gram emerged soon after the formation, in 1993, of the alumnae group Columbia College Women. That group, according to program coordinator Sharen Me- drano the assistant director of the Columbia College Office of Alumni Affairs and Development, aims to assist and recognize female students and alumnae. Last year, about 100 students enrolled, and 97 were paired with mentors. (CCW says it serves more than 2,000 alumnae in the metropolitan area.) Students and mentors are paired up based on availability and compatibility after the student com- pletes a preliminary questionnaire. Pairs are en- couraged to meet at a November kickoff reception. Noreen Whysel, C’90, chair of the CC Women Mentoring Program, says the mentorship has to be two-sided, with mentors making themselves avail- ulous. We never ever find out specifically whom the able and students taking advantage of the resource. magazine surveyed or what questions were asked. The mentors will talk with students about challeng- Tanya Lindsay, C’07, president of the Black es women face in the classroom and the workplace, Students Organization, worries that perceptions of organizers say. But a caveat—“These women are Columbia’s diversity are too often drawn from its lo- not going to be getting you jobs,” Whysel said. cation rather than the university’s actions. She feels that the factors essential to an accurate assessment —Alberto Luperon are whether black students and faculty feel com- fortable on campus and in the classroom, as well as whether a university supports institutions that specifically address the grievances of students of color. Lindsay believes that the university has made substantial progress since the incidents of 2004 but also maintains that Columbia frequently does more to “get us here than to keep us here.” How- ever, Lindsay is far from pessimistic. “As a student, I can’t say that I’m disappointed to be at Colum- bia. But I don’t feel that Columbia should get too comfortable in this ranking. There are many steps that should be taken and must be taken in order to ensure that we stay at number eight.” —Josh Mathew



ach fall female juniors and seniors in Colum- bia College get an e-mail promising them the Eopportunity “to connect with alumnae men- tors” who will “share their insight and experiences Illustrations by Sumaiya Ahmed

OCTOBER 2006 7 Campus Characters ou might not know the following figures—but you should. In Campus Characters, THE BLUE AND YWHITE introduces you to a handful of Columbians who are up to interesting and extraordinary things, and whose stories beg to be shared. If you’d like to suggest a Campus Character, send us an e-mail at [email protected].

COOGAN BRENNAN Coogan, operating under the nom de guerre “Tha Pizzle Drizzle,” helped stage The Big Kiss, In a short essay entitled “Borges and I,” the the sizeable make-out session in front of Low last Argentine author begins, “The other one, the one spring. At an Art Extravaganza hosted by friends, called Borges, is the one things happen to.” he submitted a spiky metal ball about four inches Coogan Brennan, C’08, despite his sunny, open in diameter covered in hair clipped from his own manner, seems embroiled in the same existential head; it was titled “Self-Portrait,” and it won first crisis. He has had a hand in many of the more sur- prize. He showed up at party on an F train wearing real events around campus, and in the same man- a Dalmatian suit. Coogan is also an avid stenciler ner that Borges writes of the other Borges—“Little and harmonica player; in short, he’s a busy man. by little, I am giving over everything to him, though One friend said, “Coogan is so busy and popular I am quite aware of his perverse custom of falsi- and cool, right, that he’s always hopping from one fying and magnifying things,”—perhaps we can thing to the next. He would show up, make a big speak about two Coogans. deal about his entrance, maybe a lot of bows and I had seen Coogan doing handstands by him- shouting, and then suddenly he’s gone.” This, then, self in one of the fields between Butler and Low is the Coogan that stuff happens to. Libraries. “It’s the most amazing feeling,” he The other Coogan is jovial but meditative, and gushed. This Coogan co-founded the Columbia wary of his doppelgänger. “I’m really trying to Pirate Ninja Club; the pirates didn’t show up at change that, all that running around, and lead a the first meeting/battle for “scallywag reasons,” more sincere existence.” but the ninjas did manage to stage a kidnapping Coogan’s serious passion—or at least the one during a campus tour (the abductee was Coogan’s relatively free of chicanery and scallywags—is his little brother). environmental activism. Holding leadership posi- tions in several organizations on campus, he has helped bring organic and locally produced foods to Columbia. “We, just by definition, are function- ing in an environment. We eat food, and we should figure out where it comes from.” “Environmentalism encompasses all the things I’m interested in,” Coogan said, and he seems to be most interested in what we’re doing and how we’re living our lives. But even about this, Coogan was hesitant, fretful that no answer would really be right, that something distorted or slanted would end up on paper, which of course it will. A larger-than- life, whirlwind figure intimately concerned with conducting himself carefully and thoughtfully. But despite my literary conceit, of course these aren’t two separate Coogans. The mix is what’s exciting. “Living a sincere existence is something I’m working on,” he recapitulated, “but I get a kick out of stuff, too.” — Paul Barndt

8 THE BLUE AND WHITE KAREN FU soul. Since then she’s been the director of community affairs, the general manager, and an ardent defender Karen Fu, B’07, is just a speck in front of the of the station, which has earned a reputation as an bone-white façade of the Brooklyn Museum of Art. impenetrable fortress of musical elitism. Wearing a thin polka-dot dress, she’s a picture of “I don’t think I’d classify myself as strictly a summer sitting on the museum steps underneath the hipster,” Fu insists, while admitting that her life is dusky purple sky. It’s a warm September evening, beginning to resemble a hipster cliché. She dates a but the gentle breeze hints that autumn is sneaking scruffy rock musician, for example, and many nights up quickly. Across the city, the grudging return of she finds her way to unmarked Brooklyn warehouses students has begun. for avant-garde art and music parties. This year, Fu was not among them. She says her life has in many ways been guided Until this semester, Fu had been a Barnard stu- by her love for music, which began when she started dent struggling to find her academic footing. “It’s playing the cello as a kid. She likes to play Bach on been five-ish semesters with my head partially in the her cello (although it is out of tune at the moment), books,” says Fu, flashing a broad smile perfected by and tries to dedicate a couple of hours a day to lis- six years of braces. “I need to get more focused, with tening to her favorite tunes. “It’s good to sit still and more real-life experiences under my belt.” let it soak in,” she advises. So, the twenty-two-year-old withdrew from Bar- At the moment Fu is rocking out to a bass-heavy nard and decamped to Brooklyn, to a small apart- eighties jam that is blaring out of the boom box next ment on a tree-lined street not far from this museum. to us. It belongs to a shirtless, fauxhawked man who Even with this escape from academics, though, Fu looks not a little crazy as he stretches to the beat. Fu finds herself with a full plate at the beginning of the says it is experiences like this that make her love semester —writing freelance reviews for The Indy- New York. pendent, a progressive New York newspaper; baby- For all this, Fu says she’s glad to have escaped sitting to pay the bills; and planning a trip to Taiwan, the frenetic pace of life in Manhattan. “My world where she hopes to teach English. definitely opened up at Columbia and Barnard,” Visiting Taiwan would be a homecoming of sorts she says, but a break was due. With her tiny hands for Fu. She herself is from central New Jersey, but she gestures to the marble-pillared museum and the her parents grew up in Taiwan and still speak the scene of Classical tranquility around her. “I like language at home. Although she says she used to Brooklyn,” she says with a smile. “My life is defi- distance herself from her Taiwanese roots, the last nitely simpler here.” two years have been a period of rediscovery. “I think — Kate Linthicum it’s always been slumbering in me,” she says as she pulls the end of her long ponytail to her chin. “But it became invigorated in college.” Fu had planned to graduate as an English major, but that changed once she took a Mandarin class. “I realized that even though I don’t speak the language, I have the sense of mind and sensibilities instilled in me,” she says. After traveling to Taiwan, Fu wants to enroll in Columbia’s School of General Studies and possibly major in East Asian studies. College, however, has been about more than aca- demics for Fu. “I like having my hands in lots of baskets,” she’s prone to saying, and indeed during her time at Barnard she was a residential assistant and a counselor at the Barnard Rape Crisis Center. But she’s best known around campus as the friendli- est member of the Barnard College radio staff. She’s been involved with WBAR since she hosted an un- derground hip-hop show her freshman year, an expe- rience that jump-started her passion for Motown and

OCTOBER 2006 9 SECRET SOCIETIES

Illustrated by Julia Butareva TAP! YOU’RE IT Meet the Nacoms and the Sachems, Columbia’s secret—ahem, senior—societies. BY JOSIE SWINDLER

utumn begins with a flood of first-years, flush At Columbia, the Society of Nacoms (knock- with delusions of grandeur. If you polled ums) and the Society of Sachems (say-comes) each Athem, you’d find more than a dozen future include fifteen members of the senior class, all se- class presidents, several future editors-in-chief, lected, or “tapped,” in the spring of their junior year some students looking for the next big cause (hint, by the graduating members of the society. They can kids: it’s still expansion), and another thousand or choose to mark themselves with a pinky ring, that so who have yet to choose between the innumerable tacky trinket of the early nineties, and throughout opportunities that will inevitably be laid at their the year the members meet weekly to discuss proj- feet. Few students, however, enter Columbia know- ects and plans for improving the university. ing that it’s wicked hard to win an election here. These sound like many of Columbia’s traditions: Even fewer know that should they become one of anachronistic attempts at being “collegiate” that be- the handful to reach that coveted status of “student long on campuses stuck in the woods, not at a place leader,” the reward is…a pinky ring. A secret one. most students chose for its lack of a Greek scene. 10 THE BLUE AND WHITE SECRET SOCIETIES

Their accomplishments are meant to be anony- minded people. In the past, the Sachems have cre- mous; this is, of course, why their existence seems ated an endowed scholarship and contributed to the pointless to the rest of us. They peg traditional stu- Double Discovery Center, a tutoring organization. dent leaders—class presidents, team captains, the- Most notably, the Nacoms bought and donated a ater gods—along with the heads of racial solidarity CAVA ambulance. So far neither group has precise- groups and people who get routinely CAVAed. Their ly pinned down their projects for the year. makeup is diverse in the way According to legend, and Columbia is, which is to say, off-the-record reports from sort of. The Nacoms and Sa- Their accomplishments society members, the Na- chems are organizations for coms were founded in 1898 people whose resumés are are meant to be to help Columbia ease into its already full enough; members anonymous; this is, of new uptown campus. The Sa- are in it for 14 influential new chems were founded later, in friends and some hearty self- course, why their 1915; they like the rumor that congratulation. They will face the first Sachems were well- secret rules (only the Nacoms existence seems pointless meaning gentiles offended by tap Barnard students), secret to the rest of us. the Nacoms’ reticence toward goals (sometimes so ambitious Jewish students. The Society that they go unaccomplished), of Sachems invites, or taps, a strong alumni base, and an juniors by luring them to out- ambivalent relationship with other students—at of-the-way places and “pieing” them. A few years least, the ones who know about them. ago a junior found a costumed Fed-Ex employee on her doorstep; the package contained a cell phone o call them “secret societies” is misleading. which immediately began ringing. After follow- TForget George W. Bush and John Kerry’s as- ing the directions of the mysterious voice, she was sociation with (and Hollywood’s terrible fictional- officially welcomed into the society with a paper ization of) Yale’s Skull and Bones. Too apocalyptic. plate of whipped cream to the face. The Nacoms Also other ominously titled college societies like are known for badgering potential members until Cornell and Dartmouth’s branches of Skull and they think they’re in trouble, and then springing Dagger, and the Sphinx of UPenn. Columbia’s Saint the invitation. In between the tapping process and A’s isn’t a secret or a society; that is not the word the actual initiation, the Nacoms obtain the re- for rich kids getting together to party. Maybe the sumés of some of their potential members for re- most famous secret society of all is actually a for- view. The Sachems initiate their members with a mer secret society—Phi Beta Kappa of the College champagne party, compared to the Nacoms’ robed, of William and Mary, whose members now scream candlelit obstacle course in the basement of Saint from rooftops if they get in for being really, really Paul’s Chapel. The best way to tell members apart, smart and spending lots of time in the library. if they can be identified at all, is by those optional Though Columbia did once have its own society gold pinky rings ($150 for this year’s Nacoms ring). of doom, a nineteenth century relic called Ax and The Sachems wear one with black diamonds on Coffin, the Nacoms and Sachems have never as- the right pinky, while the Nacoms sport one with a pired to more than community service and camara- green zigzag line on the left. derie. “Nacom” comes from Mayan and “Sachem” When a “double-tap” arises, the societies com- from Algonquin: both mean, simply, “leader.” Their pete for the junior. Eleven of the last fourteen goals of “discrete service” aren’t surprising given double-taps have become Sachems, though these the societies’ origins and current membership. trends fluctuate with generations. (Perhaps the Students selected for either society are expected Nacoms should rethink their resumé policy.) Some- to have epitomized commitment to the University times potential members turn down advances from in the three years they’ve been here. During se- both societies, to protest their elitism or to avoid nior year, the society is supposed to enable them being a token minority. to complete a large-scale service project with like- Members, now as always, are loath to be outed. OCTOBER 2006 11 SECRET SOCIETIES

The only national media coverage of the societies last four presidents of the College Democrats—in- was a 1984 New York Times article; that reporter cluding current Columbia College Student Council somehow got permission to name names. (At the President Seth Flaxman, C’07—or Republicans time, the Times’ editorial page editor was Max have joined either society. (“And that’s not the Frankel, C’52, a former editor-in-chief of the Spec- worst of it,” Flaxman said. “I was picked last for tator and a Sachem.) In the past couple decades, dodgeball in elementary school.”) Illinois Senator the Spectator has reported on Barack Obama, C’83, and the societies intermittently, pundit George Stephanopo- rarely naming members. I lous, C’82, weren’t in either can say that current members Their makeup is society and they turned out share commitments to the all right. Multicultural Greek Coun- diverse in the way cil, Undergraduate Athletic ociety procedures are Council, Muslim Students Columbia is, which is Srooted in tradition. Long- Association, Project Health, time Sachems advisor and Hillel, Beta Theta Pi, the to say, sort of. former Columbia College track team, and many other Dean Roger Lehecka, C’67, campus organizations. They said he was invited by a lead and prove their commit- note under his door. Though ment to Columbia in different in 1966 he co-founded the ways. SHOCC (Stop Hate on Columbia’s Campus) Double Discovery Center, he told me he was not members attend society meetings with class presi- a traditional campus leader and had never heard dents and frat boys. of the Sachems. He doesn’t remember the initia- The selection process is unavoidably political. tion, and he hasn’t presided over meetings, member Current society members look for students with selection, or initiation since he was a senior; the strong leadership and character, but often they see students fend for themselves, he said. But he’s the those traits in their friends first. Historically, and to only one who is on the record. some extent today, there are lineages within societ- One Nacom told me that the senior societies ies. THE BLUE & WHITE masthead has been repre- aren’t secret so much as “private”—a qualifica- sented in the Sachems since its 1999 refounding; tion that has been in use on this campus for at least the Chicano Caucus also has a representative each fifty years. Each group listed its members in the year. At least one Spectator editor is tapped by at yearbook and the Spectator until Frankel ended the least one society every year. This year the Nacoms practice as editor-in-chief. “We find the two organi- have a disproportionate number of Engineering Stu- zations to be inconsistent with the high democratic dent Council veterans. And of course, thirty mem- ideal of publicity, public responsibility, free inqui- bership positions is not enough to include everyone ry, and open discussions,” Frankel wrote in expla- with pull on this campus. For example, none of the nation at the time. Members and alumni are hush- hush about the societies and their benefits—a big accomplishment for student leaders used to giving sound bytes to campus reporters. Marcia Sells, the Nacoms’ long-time advisor and the University’s As- sistant Vice President for Program Development & Initiatives, declined to be interviewed for this ar- ticle. In an e-mail, she wrote, “Senior Society of Nacoms is a group of Seniors and alumni/ae who are dedicated to the well being of Columbia Uni- versity. I do not have much more to say than that about Nacoms except it is 108 years old.” The Nacoms require an oath of confidentiality about their activities that the Sachems do not. Oth- Illustrated by Julia Butareva

12 THE BLUE AND WHITE SECRET SOCIETIES er reasons giv- Currently, the en by members societies re- for secrecy in- main unregu- clude modesty lated, though and the desire they don’t re- to keep under- quest funding classmen from or space from campaigning the univer- for a tap. And sity. Over the wouldn’t it be past several embarrassing decades, the for a boastful Sachems and society member Nacoms have to hear, “What developed var- have you ever ious recruiting really gotten pacts between done?” themselves Societies’ and broken desire to re- them. main private, The critics and their be- of a half cen- lief that they tury ago raised deserve their concerns that privacy, has could still historically ir- rankle today. ritated some First, they ac- members of the cused the so- Illustrated by Julia Butareva Columbia com- cieties of sup- munity. In April 1954 eight seniors (some members porting positions in secret—using the influence of of societies) wrote “An Open Letter to the Deans their members to influence the “determination of of Columbia College” in the Spectator encouraging questions,” thereby violating the trust of the stu- them to take control of the societies and to force dent body in its leaders. Today the members do, them to end their secrecy. “It is our opinion that at least, provide access to one another that other senior societies, or any other societies which have students might not get; some input in student coun- some connection with public determination of ques- cil procedures, perhaps, or an exclusive interview tions, have a perfect right to privacy.…But, they do with a campus news source. Second, the seniors’ not and cannot retain the right to a veil of secrecy,” statement noted, “There were inferences of gradu- they wrote. ate school admission, scholarships, fellowships, Whether they wrote out of genuine concern or out and job contacts as inducements irresponsibly of spite, the writers raised valid points that resonate connected with the names of faculty, administra- today. In May of that year, the Spectator sponsored a tion, and prominent alumni who had been members student-body wide referendum. In it, students vot- of the Nacom Society since their undergraduate ed 637 to 630 for the abolition of secrecy within the days.” Senior society alumni form quite a Rolodex. societies, 832 to 447 that the societies be required Famous Sachems alumni include New England to register with the Committee on Student Organiza- Patriots owner Robert Kraft, C’63, New Yorker film tions, and 663 to 599 that the societies be required critic David Denby, C’65, former NYT executive to submit monthly reports to the dean’s office. In editor Frankel, and the monk Thomas Merton C’38. January of 1955, the Columbia College Dean’s Of- Nacoms alumni include several successful people fice took responsibility for the societies but didn’t you’ve never heard of. But be warned—their future adhere to any of the decisions of the referendum. luminaries are among us.

OCTOBER 2006 13 Department of the Apes The life and times of Columbia research animals. BY ANNA PHILLIPS

he New York State Psychiatric rhesus macaques. Put two of these mon- Institute is one of the few build- keys in a cage together and it’s like a bad Tings on West 168th street without case of sibling rivalry. mildly deranged men loitering out front. “One’s the bitch and they have to fight But it does have monkeys. it out, then they’re peaceful,” said Amy They live in colonies on the ninth and Glick, C’07, who worked for a year in tenth floors and I can’t see them, but I a rhesus monkey lab. “There’s no such can smell them. There are three eleva- thing as equals.” The road to peace is tors in the building, two for Columbia strewn with violence—Glick told me that researchers and one for Columbia re- there used to be group housing in the lab search animals. Unwittingly, I walk into until one of the monkeys decided to bite the large elevator; the walls are blue and off a roommate’s finger. Now, isolated, padded and flaked with bleach spots. It they’re unable to attack each other. But smells like monkey shit. I’m on my way mankind is still fair game. to watch a research assistant in the lab of Oberon, for example, is a large, nas- Nobel Laureate Eric Kandel, Professor ty monkey. Named for the fairy king in of Biochemistry and Molecular Biophys- A Midsummer ics, perform brain surgery on a mouse Night’s Dream charmingly drunk on anesthesia. This is (almost all of the the closest I get to seeing the monkeys. thirteen rhesus It’s difficult to say who works with macaques Glick monkeys at Columbia because no one worked with will talk to me. Psychology Professor are named after Herb Terrace, a primate cognition spe- Shakespearean cialist, is the most open of the animal re- characters, his- searchers, mainly because his research torical figures, or is the least invasive. He works with famous cognitive rhesus macaques—the most commonly psychologists), he used primate in animal research. Rhesus delights in moon- macaques are not endangered, gestate ing the research- quickly, and share ninety-six percent of ers—a display their genes with humans. And, at $8,000 that ostensibly a monkey, they are among the cheapest signals comfort monkeys you can legally buy. They’re with a handler. also assholes. Once he’s tricked Studies show that housing primates you into coming together is, socially, the healthiest living near his cage, he arrangement, but it doesn’t work for the will flip around Illustrated by Zoe Slutzky

14 THE BLUE AND WHITE ANIMALIA and swat at you with his hands. Come even closer, ing chambers, his index finger delicately extended and the last thing you’ll see is the flash of sharp, to touch the images on the screen before him. He white monkey canines. looks like he’s making a withdrawal from his check- It doesn’t take much to threaten a monkey. On ing account. Glick’s first day in the lab, she made the rookie mis- Terrace is interested in how primates process take of looking one of the less violent monkeys in non-verbal, visual sequences. Not long ago, it was the eye. He would exact his commonly thought that pri- revenge later in the day. As mates could learn a language. Glick, an unassuming hu- Prospero is the But, as Terrace’s research man primate who happens quintessential loser proved, gorillas are exception- to be a vegetarian, bent over al. His groundbreaking experi- to feed Coltrane, she felt the monkey. It weighs on him. ments on a chimpanzee named light patter of urine falling He sits with his head down Nim Chimpsky proved that on her back. Coltrane had most lower order primates are waited, positioned himself, and will occasionally pull mentally incapable of learning and done what even a highly out his own hair. a language. (Terrace is not a evolved man considers a fan of linguist Noam Chomsky, skill—he had aimed. He sees a therapist. whose views on animal research Not all are vengeful. Mo- would indicate that the dislike zart likes to tilt his chin up is mutual.) to have it scratched. Chaplin, a smaller, hyperac- Terrace argued that Nim could merely memorize tive monkey, does repeated half back rolls in the visual sequences, not learn the concepts that under- testing chambers. Lashley (so named for behavioral lay the images. Nim did not understand phrases like psychologist Dr. Karl Lashley) habitually looks at “Banana eat me Nim”; instead, he simply memo- his fingernails. The staff considers this effeminate, rized which patterns resulted in edible reward. Un- although I don’t know why because Lashley doesn’t able to tear himself away from monkeys—Terrace’s stretch his fingers outward but instead curls them CULPA reviews generally indicate that he’s more into a manly open-palmed fist. And then he stares fond of them than students—he’s researching meta- at his nails. cognition in rhesus macaques. His main experiment Prospero is the quintessential loser monkey. He involves displaying an image, such as a lighthouse, arrived too late for group housing and has never won on a screen; the monkey is then asked to indicate or lost a fight, but assumes a consistent position of the likelihood (high-risk or low-risk) that he will defeat. It weighs on him. He sits with his head down be able to remember the lighthouse after a wait- and will occasionally pull out his own hair. He sees ing period. If the monkey is assured of himself and a therapist. subsequently able to re-identify the lighthouse, he The monkeys look alike, with a few exceptions receives many more banana-flavored pellets than he (Mozart has a curled tail). They have small, pink, normally would. heart-shaped faces with pointed ears and eyes that To make this experiment work, the monkeys need look alternately criminal and melancholy. Their fur to process a basic vocabulary of images and perform is a mousy brown, lighter on their underbelly. Be- somewhat consistently, which can be complicated cause they are research monkeys, most are male. by the animals’ individual personalities. One rhesus Onsite procreation is impossible, so the labs pur- monkey puzzled his researchers by only pushing the chase young monkeys from licensed breeders. “one risk” image, which guaranteed a single pellet regardless of his ability to remember. The students hat exactly is our species doing with these who worked with him could not tell whether he was Wmonkeys? too confused to bet otherwise or whether he was Although he doesn’t like to speak publicly simply fat, lazy, and brilliant. about his work, Terrace does not try to conceal his Terrace’s research on animals is among the least research. Visit his website and you’ll see a video invasive; this also generally means that it is among clip of a rhesus monkey sitting in one of the test- the least applicable to human life. The research will

OCTOBER 2006 15 A NIMALIA not lead to new drugs or medical procedures. Even allegations of animal cruelty, and, in May of 2006, to his students, his work comes off as an intriguing ranked Columbia tenth on its list of the worst Amer- theoretical exercise. ican universities for research animals to attend. Dr. Sarah H. Lisanby, director of the brain-be- PETA’s campaign has been going on since the havior clinic, and author of “Brain Stimulation in 1980s. In 1986, the National Institutes of Health Psychiatric Treatment,” works with rhesus ma- suspended all $75 million of Columbia’s federal caques in her research of therapy for depression funding for animal research after it determined that and schizophrenia. Lisanby studies magnetic sei- there were too few veterinarians, unsanitary post- zure therapy (MST), in which quickly changing operative conditions, and failure to enforce basic magnetic fields are used to induce a kind of seizure safety regulations. that stimulates certain areas of the brain associated Two years ago, the United States Department of with depression and other disorders. It is seen as a Agriculture fined Columbia $2,000 for violating the more benign, less invasive treatment for psychiat- Animal Welfare Act after a post-doctoral veterinar- ric disorders than electroshock therapy. To research ian fellow ratted them out to PETA. The govern- MST, Lisanby’s monkeys have small tubes surgi- ment investigators found incidents where “several cally implanted in their brains. The same happens animals were found dead or in a morbid or mori- to Professor of physiology and cellular biophysics bund condition following surgery with little or no Dr. Michel Ferin’s monkeys. Ferin researches how care having been provided.” Columbia halted the stress influences the menstrual cycle in female rhe- work of several researchers and fired one offending sus macaques. veterinarian. “The tubes aren’t to torture them,” said Glick. Rarely, though, do the monkeys die from the pro- “It’s a much more gruesome cedures performed on them. lab, but it has a very direct ap- Born into labs as pathogen- plication to human research.” free babies, they often live Researchers have to prove well into their teens without to the Columbia Institutional contracting diseases or en- Animal Care and Use Com- countering forces that would mittee that their particular end their lives were they liv- work is unique and reliant on ing in the wild. But monkeys animal testing. The Commit- get old, feeble, and forgetful, tee reviews each proposal and which is a problem in cogni- strives for the “three R’s” of tive research. An aged mon- animal research: key will not remember an im- –“replace the use of animals age as quickly as a young one, whenever possible” and with limited testing space, –“reduce the number of ani- cages, and money, animal re- mals needed to a minimum” search labs cannot serve as –“refine tests to cause animals retirement homes for elderly the least possible distress” primates (though these do ex- ist). t is hard to ascertain how In the end, old monkeys well the committee func- are often put to sleep. The Itions: none of the re- researchers, who are permit- searchers are willing to speak ted to age more gracefully, re- about their work publicly, fer to this process as “sacri- often because they fear the fice.” Though a bizarre term, wrath of the People for Ethical I relish the idea of these na- Treatment of Animals (PETA). ked civil servants offered to a PETA launched www.colum- greater, though controversial, Illustrated by Zoe Slutzky biacruelty.com to broadcast good.

16 THE BLUE AND WHITE Pimp My Faith Way-cool clergymen try to convince Columbia students that their God is an awesome God. BY YELENA SHUSTER

alking back to Carman dur- Amused by the hype, I signed up for ing Orientation Week last an Aish Passover seder. Rabbi Breg- Wyear, I was approached by a man immediately requested to be my young guy in a kippah. “Are you Jew- Facebook friend. At the seder, he ex- ish?” he asked. plained that we “chill” on the left side His Jewdar was accurate (though it of our seats while drinking wine, an- failed my brunette but non-Jewish suite- mate). Quickly, he handed a flyer telling me to “light my Jewish fire” with Aish, “the hottest alternative for Jewish life on campus.” There were three recruiters, all dressed modestly in Abercrombie. The young guy was Rabbi Sam Breg- man, the 28-year-old director of Aish, which means “fire” in Hebrew. Not a gray-bearded rabbi out of my childhood, Bregman is young and hip. Or at least, he tries. “You seem like a cool girl with a cool personality. I haven’t spoken to many people here like you. Let me hit you up for some coffee,” he said. Okay… Aish has planned “hot” trips to Mi- ami, London, and Israel, chronicled on its website with pictures of smiling Jew- ish faces. The promotional materials are cartoonishly savvy: “Israel. What a trip” was written under a map of Israel wear- ing an iPod. An ad for free Shabbat din- ner showed the Seinfeld cast holding a bottle of Manishevitz. The flyer for Yom Kippur services: “Come away from the Holiday inspired, not bored!” The ad- vertising has attracted a following: about to enter its second year, it has ninety people on its mailing list and thirty to forty active members. Illustrated by Jenny Lam

OCTOBER 2006 17 THEOLOGY nounced “let’s roll” before washing our hands, and of real Judaism and real orthodox traditions without kept on asking, “Are you ready to rock?” feeling as if you don’t belong or there’s a pressure for you to become more religious.” n 2005, a survey conducted by the Higher Educa- Rabbi Blum is quick to acknowledge his wife, Ition Research Institute found that seventy-nine Keren, in his outreach efforts. “Any girl who goes percent of American college students believe in there once is in love with Keren,” said Tseylikman. God. Morningside Heights is home to the larg- “Instantly once you go, you think she’s your best est cathedral in America, the Jewish Theological friend. Everyone asks her for love advice. You don’t Seminary, Union Theological Seminary, and Robert even need to know her, that’s just the way she is.” Thurman, the first American to become a Tibetan The Blums maintain that all are welcome to their Buddhist monk. But despite the neighborhood’s home for Friday night Shabbat meals, from under- history and the twenty-nine recognized religious graduate to faculty, non-Jews to Orthodox. Chabad student groups on campus, Columbia culture is calls itself “the warmest home away from home,” steadfastly secular. open twenty-four seven. University Chaplain Jewelnel Davis oversees “You don’t have to call,” Keren explains while nineteen religious life advisers in United Campus breastfeeding her youngest child. “You come and Ministries, but she acknowledges that organized you’re always welcome. It’s your student center.” religion doesn’t play a leading role in campus life. And of course, at the end of our interview Rabbi “Students might have a spiritual high experience Blum told me, “If you want to expect what it’s like, when running at Riverside Park—their sense of come for Shabbos.” God is not as parochially defined,” she said. Or, Rabbi Blum insists that Chabad doesn’t water “community service is their religious practice.” down the message for youth culture; it just uses the This devil-may-or-may-not-care attitude has led new media that youth culture responds to for out- campus clergymen to spread the Good Word through reach. New media like the Facebook, where Blum pop culture. While few are as obvious as Rabbi has, as of writing, 672 friends. Bregman, Columbia teems with godly hipsters. Despite Aish’s and Chabad’s growing popularity, Hillel, with its gleaming, five-story Kraft Center on ish is not the only new, aggressive Jewish group 115th Street, remains the gold standard for Jewish, Aon campus. Chabad—and its leading family, if not religious, life on campus. Its leader, Rabbi the Blums—moved into a new brownstone in Au- David Almog C’98, is no square either. He recently gust 2006 with aspirations of becoming the “new used a picture of Krusty the Klown’s dad—Rabbi Jewish home on campus.” Like Aish, Chabad has Krustofsky—to advertise a Hillel event. been recognized as an official religious group since Almog says his frequent Simpsons references— last year. Chabad, which came out of the Lubavitch- he has memorized hours of episodes—are more er Hasidic sect of Judaism known for its black hats than glossy packaging. Instead, they reflect “a the- and cheery spirituality, hosted the Matisyahu con- ology that’s very American, that a lot of people in cert two years ago, and the Shofar Factory that re- this country are being raised in—a way in which cently sprung up on college walk. satire is the very traditional understanding of tradi- The group boasts about 1,000 undergraduate and tion.” graduate students on its mailing list, of whom 200 or 300 are active at least a few times a semester, ppealing to youth culture seems to be a long- and twenty of whom serve on the student board. Aterm strategy. Rabbi Gavin Frank, who will Rabbi Yonah Blum, Chabad’s leader, treats every take over as Aish Rabbi next semester, is not very Jew like a member of his extended family. “Once different from Bregman. His students tell the twen- you talk to him, you don’t think he’s like a rabbi. ty-five-year-old Frank—who reads up on the break- He’s like on a dude basis with everyone,” says ups of Jessica Simpson and other pop culture icons Vera Tseylikman, C’08, a student board member of while walking past newsstands on the subway—that Chabad. he’s “pretty cool.” Tseylikman keeps coming back because she feels Barely older than his students, Frank says he that, at Chabad, “You get to experience the power can relate to the college demographic. Moreover, he

18 THE BLUE AND WHITE THEOLOGY wasn’t always religious, and says he knows “what And he’s not a fan of e-mail. “I’m really not into these kids have been through.” this electronic world as most teen and young adults “We try to bring kids in through cool program- are.” ming and our hip outlook,” Frank explains. He is But he doesn’t feel he’s really so out of touch quick to say, though, that no matter how hip he with the students. “They come to me when they tries to be, he would never hold an event to try to need some specific guidance,” he said. “I’m just a promote an idea that “in any Muslim person with more life way” compromises the Jew- experience and a more mature ish religion. Rabbi Yonah Blum, understanding of my faith to Chabad’s leader, treats every a degree that I can share in- erhaps Aish is an ex- sights with younger people.” Ptreme example of how Jew like a member of his ex- campus clergymen go out of tended family. “He’s like on ather Jacek Buda, priest their way to appeal to college Fof the Columbia Catholic students, but the idea of a a dude basis with everyone,” Ministry, has no interest in young theological leader who said Tseylikman. He has being a “celebrity pop star “can relate” strikes a chord priest.” That doesn’t mean with many students. Omar over 650 Facebook friends. he’s a diehard reactionary. Siddiqi, C’09, President of He’ll accompany singing on the Muslim Students Asso- his guitar, but only when he ciation, admires the hipness has to, during retreats (“be- of the rabbis and feels the Muslim students on cam- cause otherwise,” he said, “the polyphony would pus could benefit from such a presence. fall apart”). He also shares a sense of humor with “It provides you with someone who you can iden- many of his students. tify with,” he says. “It lets you know there’s some- “We’ve watched Family Guy with Father Jacek,” one like you in the administration that is able to said Karen Giangreco, C’07, co-president of the Co- support you.” lumbia Catholic Ministry, which has 250 members, Siddiqi grew up practicing Islam and wears a of whom 20 are very active. “He’s not above pop full-grown beard and a Kufi (head covering). He culture issues, but in his ministering to Catholic feels that being religious is difficult for students. ministry, he doesn’t make an attempt to appeal to “It’s publicly tolerated, but privately people do pop culture.” smirk at people who are religious on this campus,” “I’m a fan of Monty Python’s Flying Circus and he says. Wedding Crashers—that’s my kind of humor,” Jacek Still, finding a hipster clergyman is not an urgent admits. “It doesn’t mean that it’s the guidance for issue for youth-led MSA. “Not that we’re necessar- my life.” ily the coolest people on Earth, but in general the Jacek, who is thirty-seven, came to America from MSA E-Board does provide that kind of guidance if Poland in 2000, having mastered the English lan- it’s necessary,” Siddiqi said. guage through books. He dons a white Dominican The MSA’s religious life advisor, Imam Syed Z. habit designed in the thirteenth century. “We love Sayeed, leads Friday prayers once a month. Sayeed that. Dominicans love their habits,” he said. was born overseas, but has lived in America for over Jacek is no stranger youth ministry—in Poland, thirty years. He has been active in the MSA since he hosted an hour-long live TV show for youth about he arrived from India in 1970 and attended Teach- faith and culture. But, he said, “we don’t specifi- er’s College two years later. He’s sixty-six years old, cally tailor the way we operate for students. Church with grown children in college. He laughed when I is same for everybody.” He does not use the Face- brought up the term “hipster clergyman.” book or speak in college slang, and he makes sure “Even when I was young adult, I didn’t really go to keep religion separate from pop culture. through that kind of culture which was prevalent at “I don’t think the message of pop culture is deep the time,” he says, referring to the seventies. “I was enough for questions that are being asked by stu- mostly a traditional conventional person.” dents.” 

OCTOBER 2006 19 DIGITALIA COLUMBIANA hese excerpts were culled from documents left on Columbia’s lab computers. We encourage our T readers to submit their own digitalia finds to us, via e-mail, at [email protected].

The article suggests that this bias perhaps occurred Strip when the red apples call your name. because of the influence of the religious belief that You have to answer them, if you don’t spanking is endorsed by God. You’ll melt into the gutter, into trash, into piss, vomit, birdshit -  I fill my pipe with fine rich tobacco. Then he usually takes my hand, places it over his eyes, on his forehead, on the back of his head, and  holds it with his own in these places a long while. He parked in a handicapped spot in front of the gro- Other times he gets up with bursts of laughter and cery store—”Why don’t you limp, Alowitious,” my places himself opposite me where he can caress my dad joked, using a nickname I hated, “Be my handi- knees in his special way. capped daughter, will you?” That’s how I learned  that my dad was a drug addict.  The whole time all I wanted to say was: “You dum- bass. Hannah’s the actually gay one.” In other words, what allows, first the formation of  discursive hegemony and, second, the notion of to- tality to be inherently contradictory to itself? One example of this social custom in the United States is the fact that although Colin Powell’s skin  tone is closer to George W. Bush’s than to that of Please make sure he’ll be fine working with a team most Africans, people in the United States readily of volunteers half his age and also that he gets that accept Powell as a black American. this is not a serious acting class. Otherwise he’s  British, so I obviously have no objections. I don’t remember any time when I let someone prod  my open sores. I’ve been fine with that. But now that One thing will never change, unless blacks take I finally see that I won’t let even myself play with the the initiative and work, and that is that America is wounds, I think I’m breaking – and not in the way I the white man’s country. However, as a black man want to break. I’m like an egg. A raw egg with liquid I should not sulk at the fact that America is ruled insides that slap against the shell at any movement. by whites but rather I should try and get, like the There is a baby in that shell, there is life. Why do theme song from The Jeffersons states, “A piece of you only respond to the eggshell? There is a baby the pie.” in that shell, there is life! And it is crying, crying all the time.   Somewhere along the line I would like to include another paragraph from Sontag that talks about the Bloomberg was originally a businessman and the importance of spaces and their cultural context. goal of a businessman is to make money and run a However, I have yet to find the right place in my es- successful business. Bloomberg made billions and say. Maybe there is something wrong with me or the has therefore reached his telos. whole thing needs to be reorganized again.

20 THE BLUE AND WHITE What could we do with this new button? It offered Can you end a story about romance with hair gel, some very interesting pictures of ourselves in a lit even if that’s where it really ends? room but we had enough of those.   When your significant other tells you that he or she Christian belief traditionally views life as a test, and is cheating on you, while you are away, don’t you temptation to sin as the perennial pop quiz.. find that you are most likely to fail at presenting your presentation?   One also has to wonder the deeper meaning behind the recipe for “smothered chicken breasts” and I identify myself Christian and as Catholic, I’ll ad- “giblet gravy smothered over rice” so often found in mit, always with a smile. African American and Creole cookbooks.   I have watched enough comfortable-with-not-be- Great socialist projects are full of paradoxes. ing-sexy talk show hosts throw Kleenex at enough recovering high school hoochies to know that it all  starts with me. Mr. Whitter told the detective “If you’ve got $25, I might be able to hook you up.” This shows a cer-  tain level of uncertainty, almost like an enticement When her U.S. visa runs out every six months and to the officer in order to engage in future discussions she’s shipped off to queen mum and all the rest of that will flesh out the specifics of any deal that may her bloody fantastic blokes, I get to rub the genie happen. lamp. But when she gets the ok from INS to bring  her flat fish-and-chips-ass stateside again, he’s all hers and I have to lay low. Roland Barthes était un des philosophes français les plus importantsmdans l’histoire de critique. Il  s’occupait avec le structuralisme, le sémiotisme, My birthday is pretty much a federal holiday. l’existentialisme, le marxisme, et plusieurs d’autres théories philosophiques.  Perhaps the moniker “Ambassador Satchmo” for  Armstrong could not be more apt, for he did much Footnotes are like Pop-Up Video for the written word. more than create music – he created a nation. And the next morning, my father would come in and   My exhibit: The moment when the light emanating take the beast, his dress shoes, off the top of our from the only light source in the room is extinguished closet, lace them up, and head to work. and when the darkness reigns, can last for a long time if you want it to. After my mother had sung my bed-  time songs and tucked me in, I would always look di- Even though it was one of the best chicken sand- rectly into the lightbulb as she reached for the switch. wiches I’ve ever had I was too torn up inside to savor Not because I wanted to blind myself, but I knew that it’s flavor. I ate that thing faster than you can say Klu it would make the transition between light and dark Klux Klan, promptly paid my bill and hightailed it that much longer for my eyes if I did, as the only thing out of there. After getting into my hotel room I turned that awaited me in the darkness was not anything I on the TV and immersed myself in a brilliant program was excited to see. on PBS on the beauty of the Islamic religion and how  it has been tainted with extremist and crazy men with egos gone wild. As I watched one question hammered I am an Economics major in my final year at Colum- my brain. How is it possible that with programming bia University seeking a full-time position at McK- like this, people can still be so backward? insey as a Generalist Business Analyst.

OCTOBER 2006 21 T HE CONVERSATION

THE NEW GUY

When B&W Senior Editor Marc Tracy sat down with Head Football Coach Norries Wilson at his office in Dodge Gym, the coach had reason to feel triumphant: the Lions had just won Wilson’s debut game. Wilson, who came to Columbia after serving as offensive coordinator for four years at the University of Connecticut, is the first black head football coach in Ivy League history. Since the Fordham game, the Lions have taken care of Georgetown, shut out Iona, and suffered their only loss in the first Ivy game of the season against Princeton. Wilson talked about the life of a student athlete, conditioning, and why Columbia won’t win the Ivy League this year.

B&W: Congratula- B&W: You attended tions, Coach, on last the University of week’s 37-7 rout of Minnesota, where, Fordham up at Bak- in addition to play- er Field. How’d we ing football, you beat them? wrestled. Has the wrestling mentality NW: We played affected at all your physical, we were approach to foot- the more physical ball? team on the field, and, by and large, NW: Not really. The we had a total effort, mentality you have as far as hustle. to have in wrestling hasn’t really helped B&W: One of the me in football, not things you have that I’ve been aware said you wanted to of. I enjoyed wres- do is simplify the tling. offense. We scored 37 points—clearly B&W: What was the offense is doing your major at Min- something right. nesota?

Illustrated by Julia Butareva NW: We didn’t score NW: Psychology. 37 points on offense, we scored 37 points. The de- fense scored 14. Simplify the offense? What we do B&W: What made you want to do psych? on offense isn’t very simple. We changed some of the things we do on offense, and it’s some tough stuff NW: You want the true story about this? to learn. A lot of checks, changes in protections, I think [quarterback] Craig [Hormann]’s doing a good B&W: Absolutely. job, we just need to do it a little bit faster.

22 THE BLUE AND WHITE THE CONVERSATION

NW: I had ten minutes to pick a major—practice things from Coach [Lou] Holtz when I was a player. started in ten minutes. I flipped open a book, and Coaches in general, I’d say [Assistant Offensive that’s what I came on to. Line Coach] Jim Hueber, of the Minnesota Vikings, right now. [Offensive Line Coach] Howard Mudd at B&W: Did you enjoy it? the Indianapolis Colts right now. That’s just a few.

NW: I actually did enjoy it, I enjoyed a lot of the B&W: Could you talk about your general coaching courses in psychology. Abnormal was probably my philosophy? I know you’ve been emphasizing get- most enjoyable course, my least enjoyable was prob- ting into shape. How have you been trying to im- ably cognitive. prove the general fitness among your players?

B&W: What experiences, on and off the field, have NW: We’re gonna run them. We’re gonna be in great influenced your coaching? shape. We don’t want to lose a game because we’re out of condition. It’s impossible to be as fresh as you NW: Seeing it on both sides, as a player and a coach, are at the start of the game in the fourth quarter, you know what you liked as a player and what you but to be able to recover and play a fourth quarter didn’t like as a player. You know what things, as an as hard as you played the first quarter, I think it’s assistant coach, that you liked that were initiated important. A lot of games have been won and lost in by a head coach, and what things that you’d prob- the fourth quarter, and we’ve got to have the condi- ably do differently. And you also, as an assistant tioning it takes to win a game in the fourth quarter coach, get a more intimate response from the kids when it’s tight. We run our kids a bunch, we require than a head coach would, because you spend more hustle in practice, we go full speed, whether we have time with your players than a head coach would. pads on or not. It’s important so that when we get out So you know what they like, what they didn’t like, there on Saturday, a change of speed by the visiting and you have a feeling of how they’re gonna accept team isn’t something that surprises you. some of the things you need to do. Now as soon as you switch, in my opinion, to being a head coach, B&W: You were saying earlier that you experienced some things—I won’t say a lot—some things that the same tension between the two elements of the you thought you would do, you would immediately “student-athlete” in your previous gig at the Uni- figure out you can’t do in that way, just because it’s versity of Connecticut. UConn’s a very good school, not the right thing to do. but is there nonetheless an extra expectation that players be good students because this is Columbia B&W: Any examples come to mind? and the Ivy League? Have you felt extra pressures?

NW: No, not really. Just sometimes, as an assis- NW: Yep. It’s probably the essence of “student- tant, you’d be like, “No, you can’t run them today, athlete.” We had the same issues at Connecticut, they’re tired.” But the head coach would know, “we with night classes—it’s a little different here be- got to be in shape. Can’t be easy on them all the cause there are no eight o’clock classes, no Friday time, most of the time.” You have to pick your spots classes. where you’re gonna give them a break, and you have to do it judiciously, so that they enjoy the break that B&W: That makes it harder? they’re getting and they also know that they earned that break. NW: It makes it harder to have practice. The kids here have probably more pressure academically than B&W: Which head coaches, past and present, are they had at Connecticut, and that academic pressure specifically inspirations to you? also falls onto them athletically, because they don’t get as much time as other students to go ahead and NW: Tom Gadd, that I worked for at Bucknell study. They’ve got four hours a day to prepare for a [where Coach Wilson served as offensive line coach varsity sport. I know that with the higher workload, and then offensive coordinator]. I learned a lot of it’s hard for them to manage their time.

OCTOBER 2006 23 THE CONVERSATION

B&W: I’m a senior, and I’m not used to having a B&W: Okay. Super Bowl? good football team. How are we going to get better? Will we get better this year? In coming years? NW: I don’t watch professional football. Who won last year? Steelers? It won’t be them. Probably—I NW: Well I hope we get better in the coming years. I can’t tell you, I don’t watch pro football. can’t guarantee that. I can’t give a guarantee for this year or the coming years. B&W: You don’t root for any pro The kids have to go out there football team? and perform. I’m gonna do The kids have done a great whatever I can to make sure NW: The Bears, but I don’t have they are in great shape, that job trying to buy in on what time to watch them. we put them in good posi- we’re selling. I would love tion to be successful. It’s a to sit here and tell you we’re B&W: So you spend your time struggle that we’re all taking rooting for your teams, and for on together. The kids have gonna win an Ivy League Minnesota? done a great job trying to title; that’s realistically prob- buy in on what we’re selling. NW: Yep. I would love to sit here and ably something that’s not tell you we’re gonna win an gonna happen. B&W: I suppose this isn’t a Ivy League title; that’s real- good time to tell you that I root istically probably something for Wisconsin. that’s not gonna happen. Our kids are gonna go out and try to win the game this NW: Interview’s over. week. After this week, we’ll concern ourselves with who’s on the schedule for next week. That’s how we B&W: Your prediction for the Ivy League? look at it here. NW: Penn. B&W: When President Bollinger started at Colum- bia, he announced that he wanted to improve athlet- B&W: They have a good team this year. ic: better sports teams, a better sports culture. Has the administration been supportive in your experi- NW: They have a good team every year. ence? —Marc Tracy NW: I think, since I’ve been here, they’ve done a good job supporting the football program. I can’t speak for the other programs in the department. It’s not like there’s unlimited resources here. There’s only a few schools where you can just ask for some- thing and they can just write a check. I think within the parameters that the program has to work with, they’re doing the best they can.

B&W: I’d like to wrap it up with three predictions. Bowl Championship Series #1 this year?

NW: Ohio State.

B&W: I mean at the end of the year. Illustrated by Julia Butareva NW: Ohio State.

24 THE BLUE AND WHITE DORKS ON JOCKS P.E. DISPATCHES

And you thought you were done. To the many Columbians who missed the fine print about the two-semester PE requirement: we sympathize, and we’re here to help. We bring you dispatches from the front, the class students have survived, and, yes, enjoyed. For those of you who have completed the required stint, keep in mind that you receive credit for up to four PE class—don your mesh shorts and wristbands, and get back out there.

DIVING age, prominently displayed through his tight athletic pants. Gordon Spencer brings an aged, The bottom line: you will not mellow wisdom to his diving class, learn to fence. The fun starts when which he’s taught almost fifty times. you stop trying. Show up five minutes late, leave ten minutes early, it’s all good, man. S.C.U.B.A. He’s also got a bone-dry sense of humor; if you belly flop, you’ll hear More than any other gym class your gym-mates laughing as you at Columbia, SCUBA—the word is surface and wonder what Gordon short for Self Contained Underwater said that cracked everyone up. Breathing Apparatus—is a sport of Spencer’s initial announcement contradictions. On the one hand, it that the focus of the first few class- Illustrated by Ben Weinryb Grohsgal is the only one that requires its stu- es would be feet-first diving made this young man’s dents to master the contents of a 260-page textbook. unathletic knees shake with glee, but if you want On the other, it requires virtually no physical exer- to be good, you have to be willing to do flips off the tion on the part of its participants. When it comes high dive at the end of the semester. The less am- right down to it, you’re being taught how to breathe bitious can always hide out in the hot tub by the swimming around at the bottom of the pool while lap side of the pool. Diving is an explosive sport, and a swimmers work out above. big part of staying safe and healthy is keeping those The teacher of the class, an employee of the Mid- muscles warm. town diving-supply store that rents out equipment If you stay in too long, Gordon may admonish— for class, is certainly well-versed in his “sport”—al- “Hey, are you relaxing in there instead of doing your though some complain that his answers to student back dives?”—but look closer, and you’ll see the inquiries always seem to involve an additional pur- corners of his mouth breaking into a smile. chase from his store. “It is a very-equipment-inten- sive class,” he told us on the first day in reference to FENCING the $200 class fee and additional $200 we would be “Ever since man has first picked up the stick, forced to spend on personal gear. “If anyone can’t he has wanted to fight other man.” This is Aladar afford it, feel free to drop out now.” Kolger speaking—Dr. Aladar, that is, though no one seems to be sure of what. It is the first day of fencing HIKING class, and he has to teach the history of fighting. Coming from this man, nothing is a surprise. Un- A gaggle of students wait outside the gates for a til 1975, he taught fighting proper—real men, bare bus. It is 8:30 a.m. on a Saturday morning. The bus chests, Austria. The epée is a demotion. But Dr. picks them up and takes them to a state park. The Kolger still beams as he forces you to stand in un- afternoon is spent ostensibly hiking—many stu- natural positions and thrust your coiled limbs. He is dents cancel out the exercise by smoking, while the renowned for his exacting demand—that you handle more intrepid branch off and screw in the woods. the weapon as though you were caressing a woman’s Word to the fat: to qualify for the course, you need nipple. He is also not ashamed of his large pack- to be able to walk four miles in under an hour. 

OCTOBER 2006 25 Winning in Theory If schools that can’t do, teach, then what does that say about Columbia’s new sports management degree? BY ANDREW FLYNN olumbia University is now offer- grams in general have drawn criticism for ing an MS in Sports Management. being unsuccessful, impractical univer- CThis is the punch line. Like the sity cash-cows. ones about British dentistry schools. The Wall Street Journal recently “We’ve always been good at the gentle- summed up the key problems with many manly and the ladylike athletics,” Lucas sports management programs: too many Rubin, the program’s director, admits: classes focusing on academic theorizing, “fencing, crew.” Not so much…well, ev- too few on practical skills; useless or in- erything else. Why, then, is anyone shell- coherent required courses, like anatomy ing out $1,132 per credit for a degree from and injury-care; professors with little the equivalent of the kid with asthma? sports experience yanked from other dis- “I would say that there’s a type of ciplines; and virtually no national stan- stigma,” Rubin told me, on Columbia’s dards—standards which, even then, only loser reputation, “but the flip side of that a small portion of the hundreds of cur- is that no one has attempted to do a re- rently operating programs meet. The up- ally top program in sports management shot? Possessing a degree from a sports at the Ivy League level.” He seems an management program is not going to be odd fit for the developer and director of much of an asset when it comes to actu- a sports program: a Classics PhD who ally getting a job. wears emo-ish glasses (though he does How exactly, though, does one go follow National League baseball). Then about teaching again, so does the program’s department: “management,” Continuing Education. “It does all the of any kind? Joel non-traditional programs” Rubin said, Brockner, chair meaning everything from actuarial sci- of the Columbia ence to landscape design. “One of the Business School’s things we do is develop programs that management di- have substantial areas of interest or merit vision and a big that are not represented elsewhere in the sports fan himself, university,” Rubin said. Working outside laid out the basic the constraints of a standard university components of department, Continuing Education can an MBA educa- make use of the resources from athletics, tion: a slew of core business, and law to achieve its specific classes that touch goals. Yet what makes Columbia’s foray on the business questionable is not just its dubious track essentials (ac- record employing the skills it now intends counting, finance, to teach, but that sports management pro- operations, statis- Illustrated by Shaina Rubin

26 THE BLUE AND WHITE DORKS ON JOCKS tics, marketing, organizational behavior) alongside ing the course catalogue, I came upon “Socio-His- a summer internship in the field. “So, by the end torical Foundations of American Sport.” An opera- of the first year,” he told me, “students have had tions manager needs that course? Surely this was broad-based ‘book learning’ and they have had ‘real academia at its most gratuitous: space filler for the world’ experience.” This is augmented by in-depth second-semester senior, not part of a tight, special- electives during the second year, readying students ized training sequence. for any number of careers in the business world. Rubin didn’t stammer. “The idea of that course “My rule of thumb,” said Brockner, “is that if one is basically to make people conversant and knowl- wants to enter virtually any field, including man- edgeable about sports. You have people who come agement, it is easier to go from broad-based general into the industry who are football fans, but their first training to more specialized training.” job might be in women’s golf. So the idea is to ac- Rubin, however, is not sure that broad is the way tually—again it’s very old-school in some ways— for those who are dead-set on a management role in teach them a lot about sports and their history, and sports. “A manager needs to know about finance how they evolved.” and accounting,” he began, “but a lot of these pro- This is a tad misleading. “Foundations” is in no grams teach these big kind of meta-topics in sports way a greatest hits of sports trivia. Taught by Peter that the average manager is never going to interface Levine, a retired Michigan State professor and, ac- with. So you can look abstractly at how salary caps cording to Rubin, “one of the four or five top sports work in baseball. But the people that this program historians,” the course is somewhere between a is really going to be training are not going to go out survey lecture and a topical seminar. The ominous and negotiate salary caps. What they really need to words in the syllabus, “These books will be read in know is how to budget an event.” their entirety,” tops a list of 13 volumes. These are Graduates of Columbia’s program will know. Its not athlete bios, but real academic texts; the first courses—a melange of applied business and law week alone requires six textbook chapters, in addi- classes, coupled with specialized management tion to 230 pages from The Manly Art: Bare Knuckle training—are focused. To create the curriculum, Prize Fighting in Nineteenth Century America. experts ranging from specialists in sports law to ac- Grades are based on class participation, take-home tual operations managers were consulted, “so you exams, and a final research paper. In other words: end up with a nice blend of the academic and also an average liberal arts class. the very practical.” This is Levine’s intent. “I am not interested in But, practically speaking, will the program pro- pointing the class to any specific matters regarding duce results? “Having top-flight instructors is key,” careers,” he told me. “My concern is to give stu- Joel Brockner admitted, “as is having top-flight fel- dents the opportunity to explore fundamental is- low students who provide lots of insight, future net- sues and questions that place sport as a significant works, and sources of support.” Sure, but with the social, cultural, political and economic institution program starting fresh, alumni contacts are sparse of American life.” One of the two-and-a-half hour at best, and developing job placement tactics is sessions on boxing found that a casual rapport had a big project. “This is the toughest thing,” Rubin already developed between Levine and his tiny said. “We can’t guarantee people jobs.” class—two women and twelve men, lots of baseball “I think one of the great kind of lies that goes caps and ties. “When was John L. Sullivan born?” on,” Rubin revealed, “is that the sports manage- Levine began. He then launched into a semi-lec- ment degree is a way to become an agent—people ture, semi-discussion on the cult of masculinity in who don’t have connections, aren’t in the business, the nineteenth century, the shift in sports values don’t have a family that’s working with it.” But in during the era of their commercialization, and their reality, he continued, “sports management is much modern parallels. more geared towards people who want management Regarding quality, Rubin agrees. “If I could style positions—you’re equipment manger, you’re a duplicate this class every term, we would have a person who’s going to be operations manager for the fabulous program,” he told me. “We would have, Cyclones out in Brooklyn.” you know, a school of sports.” Tell it to the football I must admit I was skeptical when, while perus- team.

OCTOBER 2006 27 They Do It in Skates Roller derby, sport of queens. BY MARC TRACY

e normally host the boat manship to one part sport, today’s derby show, the flower show, girls take the game seriously. “What we “Wthe RV show, home show, do is totally unscripted, there’s just a lot two international beer shows,” an older more athleticism,” explained the Go- woman working the box office on Au- tham Girls’ announcer, who also skates. gust 26 at the Rhode Island Convention Her name is Margaret Thrasher, and, as Center in downtown Providence told that night’s program announced, she’s me. “But never the roller derby.” She “Prime Minister of Your Demise.” was selling tickets for that night’s bout, The Gotham Girls wore red, logo-ed in Exhibition Hall A, between the Go- tank tops and black mini-skirts (fish- tham Girls and the Rhode Island Riv- nets optional); the Riveters wore blue eters. Roller derby bouts involve teams one-piece button-down uniforms that of women roller-skating around an oval recalled their tough New England fore- track for an hour. Some try to pass; oth- mother, Rosie. The night’s bout prom- ers try to knock the passers over. They ised to be exciting: at the Tucson Dust have uniforms and coaches and score- Devil Tournament in February, the Go- keepers and pads. They also have “der- tham Girls had finished tenth in by names” like Lady Batterley, Joey the nation, and Providence Hardcore, and Stevie Kicks—“I took eleventh, out of twenty- your love, I took you down.” It’s not as four league teams (the kitschy as it sounds. I swear. Texas Rollergirls took “What’s not to like about roller top honors). This was derby?” asked a fanboy with the self- an exhibition game; granted derby name “Bobby Narco” as league play he pinned a dozen or so Gotham Girls takes buttons in a circular pattern onto his black Gotham Girls shirt. “You’ve got beautiful girls in fishnets—great cos- tumes—hitting each other.” Many peo- ple’s perceptions of derby is colored by fading memories of its heyday. “We used to see ’em on TV in the seventies” said an older couple, down from New Hamp- shire to watch their daughter play, “but Sarah says it’s different now.”

e are living in the midst of a roll- Wer derby revival. Whereas hey- day derby was about five parts show- Illustrated by Jerone Hsu

28 THE BLUE AND WHITE DORKS ON JOCKS place within the confines of metropolitan areas. So ity. And there was Suzy Hot Rod, Gotham’s lead the Gotham Girls twenty-person roster, for exam- jammer: beautiful, determined, passionate. ple, was stocked with representatives from the four New York City teams: the Brooklyn Bombshells, n a word, they had charisma. I should note that the Bronx Gridlock, the Manhattan Mayhem, and Ithe derby track was literally the floor of an anon- the Queens of Pain. ymous convention hall with boundaries marked After the first of three peri- by different colored pieces ods, the score stood at Gotham of tape. But, because of the 44, Rhode Island 43. Each They also have “derby skaters, the crowd of 600 team’s point total was posted completely bought into it. to a painted wooden ovary names” like Lady Batter- In the second period, the on the central scoreboard, ley, Joey Hardcore, and Riveters took a significant both of which led down to a lead. During one jam, a Go- central uterus, on which was Stevie Kicks—“ I took tham jammer and a Gotham posted the…period. These blocker were too rough and periods, mercifully, are only your love, I took ended up in the penalty box, twenty minutes long. you down.” allowing the Providence jam- There are five players from mer to collect nine unan- each team in the rink at a swered points. Then, in the time. Three are blockers; one next jam, Suzy Hot Rod took is a pivot; one is a jammer. The jammers do the a commanding lead over the Providence jammer scoring: they skate out ahead and score one point and was about cut into the Riveters’ lead when every time they lap a blocker or a jammer from their jammer slipped and injured herself, causing the other team. The blockers’ job is to avoid get- the jam to be called off before Suzy could lap any- ting passed and aid their jammer. The pivot’s job one. (Many Gotham fans would place “slipped and is vaguer, yet undoubtedly more complex and sig- injured” in quotation marks.) In the third period, nificant. “There are two ways to be a pivot,” Ginger Providence accomplished an 11-4 jam to seal the Snap, the Gotham Girls’ starting pivot, informed deal. Final score: 111-90 Providence. me. “Be a heat-seeking missile on their jammer, After the bout, I approach Ginger Snap. She’s or be a heat-seeking missile on their everything short, fit, and, as her derby name suggests, red- else.” haired. I introduce myself. She responds, “I am Jams last no more than two minutes, after which sweaty.” She’s drinking a beer, congratulating points are tallied. (If a jammer is maintaining a skaters from both teams as they pass by—always, lead, she can strategically choose to end it at any always calling them by their derby names. “To be a time.) The players go back to the benches brief- derby girl, you have to be a little counterculture,” ly, substitutions are made, and everyone sets up she tells me when I ask her about the dominant again. Teams usually score about four points a jam, punk-rock aesthetic amongst players and fans. although they can end up as double-digit routs. Hambone, a Gotham referee, comes by and he and The athletes are really very good: the jammers Ginger Snap kiss. “My husband,” she blushes. I dart through thickets of blockers as though they ask her if she thinks the derby revival will last. were on two feet, not eight wheels; the blockers The revival is all about refashioning derby as a le- unflinchingly throw their bodies about; the pivots gitimate sport, rather than mud wrestling without quietly command their squads. And what charac- the mud. What is derby all about? Are derby girls ters! On this front the Gotham Girls held a clear primarily competitors, or primarily performers? advantage. Ginger Snap combined spunk with se- “We’re definitely athletes first,” she insists. “We riousness, and always appeared in total control of train way too hard for it to be just tits and ass.”  events. Team captain and jammer Bonnie Thunder exuded Jordanesque intensity as she raged around Catch the derby girls in action! the track. Gotham skater/coach Ariel Assault used On October 22, in Camden, New Jersey, the Go- her especially mini miniskirt as a totem of author- tham Girls play Philadelphia’s Liberty Belles.

OCTOBER 2006 29 DORKS ON JOCKS COACH, INTERRUPTED

BY JAMES WILLIAMS ome might think that getting fired from a job things that we have to look at,” she said. “And we Scoaching sports at Columbia is like getting fired don’t look at any of them in isolation.” In addition from McDonald’s. If it were Per Se, you could try to their sport, head coaches have to worry about again at, say, Chipotle or Tavern on the Green, but fundraising, recruitment and alumni relations, and after a certain point there’s nowhere left to go. For prospective coaches are scrutinized for their skills Columbia head coaches who have fallen from grace, in all three arenas. what’s left? Is there life after Columbia Athletics? Interpersonal skills are a big part of the job; there The answer to that question depends on how you are a lot of folks to keep happy, not least of whom choose to define “life.” In general, ex-Columbia are the alumni whose dollars support the team. coaches don’t have a great deal of upward career While Murphy says that “alumni do not make hiring mobility. As a recent Spectator article pointed out, and firing decisions,” she does acknowledge “so- none of Columbia’s past five head football coaches liciting their feedback” in the process. On some has gone on to another head coaching job, though level, there’s a sense that now is a very important they have fared well in second-tier positions. Foot- time to focus attention on winning games, as well ball’s Bob Shoop and Larry McElreavy both secured as on what Murphy calls “friend-raising and fund- assistant coaching positions at the University of raising.” Columbia Athletics found a great deal of Massachusetts; basketball’s Armond Hill, fired in success in the 1940s-1960s; programs like basket- 2003, has since worked steadily as an assistant ball and football, now in peril, were both reasonably coach for both the Boston Celtics and the Atlanta successful then. And, as Taylor Harwin, C’08 and Hawks. Spectator Associate Sports Editor points out, “Those When teams win, however, assistant coaches alumni, who are getting pretty old, are coming to a don’t get any of the glory—head coaches do. But point in their lives where they want to know what at Columbia, at least for the high-profile teams who they’re going to do with their money.” For the Ath- have recently undergone personnel changes, glory letics Department, “It’s good to have head coaches is far from guaranteed. Our football team hasn’t who can convince them.” had a winning season since 1996, baseball since “When we are forced to make a decision about 1994, and men’s basketball since 1992-3. Dur- letting a coach go,” Murphy says, “we certainly ing these years, Bob Shoop and Armond Hill were are not doing it with a great deal of joy and happi- fired, while both Ray Tellier (football, 1989-2002) ness. … No one comes into a situation wanting to and Paul Fernandes (baseball) were reassigned to fire anyone. Let’s be very clear about that. But it is administrative posts. Columbia’s about excellence. It is about be- men’s soccer team also had a los- ing successful. It is about doing ing record in the past two seasons, all the other things that go along resulting in the retirement, under with doing the job as a coach.” In pressure from the administration, other words, being a good coach of long-time head coach Dieter does not necessarily make you a Ficken. Perhaps the best place to good Coach. For some folks, it’s be is out of the spotlight. simply too much; but, if it doesn’t Athletics Director M. Dianne work out, always remember that Murphy, however, insists that the Columbia will have no problem decision to hire or fire a coach firing you—and maybe, there’s is “not just about winning and not as much shame in that as ev- losing.” “There’s any number of Illustrated by Carly Hoogendyk erybody seems to think.

30 THE BLUE AND WHITE DORKS ON JOCKS INTERNATIONAL FIGHT CLUB

BY SARA VOGEL mily Jacobson, C’08, percent of the time we Emissed out on Orienta- spent in a city was in tion—the ice breakers, the the gym,” said Jacob- Health Fair, CUnity. She son, who insisted that was absent for President the Olympics was “not Bollinger’s hearty wel- a vacation” while ad- come at Convocation, and mitting that she attend- the first meal at the din- ed a few of the Sports Il- ing hall. For the inaugural lustrated parties thrown week of college, her floor- at clubs in Athens. mates on John Jay 12 were “Everyone who’s re- left puzzling her absence ally competitive has Illustrated by Christine DeLong each time they passed the a membership some- “Emily” sign on her door. Where could she be? where,” according to fencing team member Jeffer- Answer: Jacobson was in Athens, Greece, com- son Baum. Many CU fencers practice at the New peting with the US women’s fencing team at the York Fencer’s Club downtown, where memberships 2004 Summer Olympic Games. “Once I got to Co- cost $600 per year. Helmets, weapons, and other lumbia everything worked out fine,” she told me. “I gear requires hundreds of dollars, to say nothing of didn’t feel like I had missed all that much.” plane tickets and accommodations for every com- Many of the internationally ranked fencers on petition they attend. There is a Columbia alumni Columbia’s fencing team tell similar tales—of endowment to help fencers pay their travel expens- balancing textbooks on airplane tray tables, pass- es, and top fencers may receive help from national ing epées and sabers through customs, and waging fencing organizations, but according to Kolombato- bouts against competitors from Harvard to Hol- vich, “the reality is many parents are just phenom- land. enally supportive of their children.” The places where men’s fencing team captain, The costs of international fencing go beyond James Williams, C’07, has competed read like post- money. Jacobson’s sister, Sada, postponed gradua- ers on the wall of a travel agency: Poland, Germany, tion from Yale to train for the 2004 Olympics, and Hungary, France, Venezuela, Italy, Spain, Tunisia, found her readjustment to university life difficult. Chile. “I’ve been [to Cuba] only about twenty times!” Of course, when she returned to New Haven, she said Team Head Coach George Kolombatovich. Yet had a gold medal that she didn’t have before. Still, the past and present international fencers I talked Emily decided not to train for 2008. “The idea of to were modest about their accomplishments and coming back [to Columbia] in 2008 in the fall and didn’t think of themselves as weekend jet-setters. all of my friends being gone upset me,” she said. Out of forty-eight Columbia fencers, twelve do Meanwhile, Kolombatovich estimates that four double-duty as college and international fencers, or five current CU fencers have a realistic chance and Kolombatovich said they are usually found, “on of qualifying for the Olympics. They have carved the floor at the gym waiting for their next bout with out lifestyles that somehow accommodate practice, their textbooks, taking notes, and reading.” The homework, classes, social lives, as well as week- fencers typically fly out to Europe or Latin America end trips to Europe, and they compare international or Asia on a Thursday night, arrive on Friday after- fencing to a passionate commitment to any other ex- noon, rest up and prepare for the competition held tracurricular activity. “I don’t sleep as much,” said on Saturday, and then leave on Sunday. “Ninety Williams. “You just gotta manage your time.”

OCTOBER 2006 31 MEASURE FOR MEASURE

AMARANTH

The amaranth lies in a pile of discarded trash Out behind the abandoned treehouse.

The amaranth travels through our stemming bodies, Rich redness rising and resting with the sun.

The amaranth skips with joy, giddy in immortality; Inhuman in its glow of obscurity and strength.

Yet how can one envy the amaranth? As it does not exist it simply cannot die; We, however, have lived.

We have lived, Who find ourselves endearingly petulant in the aftermath. We have lived, Endless petals of the lifeless amaranth.

—Tom Faure

32 THE BLUE AND WHITE VERILY VERITAS

TOLD BETWEEN PUFFS In which our hero melts into air

couple months ago, over stale rected at him—he frequently deployed ALondon scones (Verily re- it against others, usually in reference quests that his editor di- to Prague—it had been his scoun- vine which is the more drel of a brother, the subject redundant between had been television, and sub- “stale” and “London,” sequent viewing had proved and excise it forthwith), his brother’s suggestion that Verily was in conversa- Verily try the boob tube valid. tion with a friend of his, (Who knew mafiosi had so much and the topic verged onto great sex?) the wealth of nations. The gauntlet dashed to the Naturally, Verily decried ground, Verily vowed to about his the heap of decadent bat- brain from the Kantian duty motive dropping known as late to the Gekkovian profit motive. The capitalism, though taking aesthetics had always appealed; he care to dissociate his harsh had once heard an amusing disqui- words from those critiques sition from a Québecois prostitute of said societal stage pro- on “je-banking.” So he updated his re- mulgated by the petit-bourgeois sumé—his references a veritable Page Six crowd of anti-capitalist troglodytes, of Columbiana: Gayatri Spivak; Cesar Ignacio a colony of whom were gathered nearby to protest Ruiz Cortez; M. Dianne Murphy, “though she knows some war or another. me as ‘Pussy’”—and dispatched it to several corpo- “Capitalism is as a great beehive,” your hero an- rations whose names he collated by glancing at sev- nounced, “except that, amongst the bees, the work- eral days’ worth of emboldened words in the FT. ers kill the drones; and not the reverse.” Seeing An interview here, a call from Verily’s uncle to no light of recognition, no beacon of solidarity, in his old Berkeley roommate there (Berkeley College, his companion’s face, Verily decided he could ab- mind you; Merrily Veritas IV was educated in Con- scond with his clever simile without attributing it necticut, not California), and Verily found himself in to its progenitor, the Grand Old Man Marx. If only a tall, tacky monstrosity, wondering how long it was Verily’s ex-girlfriend had been so dull-brained: she before lunch, at which time he gained the privilege had ended it after espying in a love letter he had of waiting in line at the Halal stand on the corner written her from Marseilles several lines from an for 40 minutes attempting to recall if his superior amorous missive in Volume IV of the Recherche du preferred the white sauce or the red. temps perdu—and that from one man to another (M. Verily knows, as he savors his clove cigarette out- de Charlus, you rascal!). side of Columbia’s own tacky monstrosity, that you, Yet Verily’s acquaintance’s wit had also appar- darling of a reader, will understand his reluctance ently seen some recent time at the whetstone, for to, as they say, delve into the experience. You could to this stab at money-making he responded: “Don’t get bored; he could get suicidal. It will suffice to ob- knock it ’til you’ve tried it.” serve that je-banking manages to combine concrete A formidable riposte: Verily had yet really to sink economic reality with abstract theory as much as his canines into the cesspool of the market, except- passionately studying dialectical materialism does, ing the two weeks he had labored at a coffee shop only it’s half as difficult and allows you only twice as on the corner of Avenue A and Get Me The Fuck much free time. The real world is to philosophy, as Out Of Here. Besides, the last time Verily had heard King Karl wrote, as sex is to masturbation. the phrase “don’t knock it ’til you’ve tried it” di- —Verily Veritas

OCTOBER 2006 33 FASHION

Illustrated by Sumaiya Ahmed The Wearable Hipness of Vintage BY KATIE REEDY

nly one shop into my “research” for this and simultaneously look fabulous than wearing article, my legs were already itching cute cardigans or authentically weathered jeans. Ofrom flea bites. I scratched, and then In other words, the ostensible reason kids dress combed through yet another rack of eighties-era like seventies rockers and fifties TV characters knee-length skirts. Only two or three were wear- is because mainstream culture sucks too much to able. “Goddammit.” I couldn’t help thinking, even warrant a reaction. “I wouldn’t have swelling lumps on my ankles And there are other appealing characteristics if I were at H&M.” But, I wouldn’t have found a of vintage. Used clothes (in thrift stores, at least) ten-dollar algae-green winter coat at H&M, nor a are always cheap. Even if they were made in a hand-made dress with buttons depicting smiling sweatshop thirty years ago, they aren’t fresh off the bees. Beauty, as they say, is pain. boat from Malaysia. Buying thrift and vintage al- Vintage clothes have been cool for several long most always means supporting small businesses, years now. Pop-culture trends emphasize retro or even Goodwill and the Salvation Army. And if looks as a form of ironically subversive authentic- moral concerns aren’t your bag (or Birkin), pur- ity—and what better way to wink at convention veyors of vintage clothes often receive inspiration

34 THE BLUE AND WHITE FASHION

from the designer-label items they come across in In some circles, Beacon’s has become more or boutiques, and in turn pay homage to them in their less a true success story, the kind of establishment own fashion lines. that has capitalized on hip culture, attained wide- Used clothing stores can be classified into thrift spread brand recognition, and yet simultaneously stores and vintage shops: the former generally have remained firmly planted in the hearts of New York a wider selection and cheaper prices than the lat- indie kids. Though one can attribute their unfail- ter. New York City’s reputa- ing cool quotient to their un- tion for quality used clothing impeachably hip staffers and is based largely on its excel- The ostensible reason kids soundtrack, they ultimately lent vintage (though not nec- dress like seventies succeed because they satisfy essarily thrift) shops, which a very large, very picky group are known for being pricey rockers and fifties TV of consumers with a cheap, and cluttered with fancy de- characters is because ample supply of goods. signers’ pieces. If your impetus for buying When on the hunt for de- mainstream culture sucks thrift clothes is the lure of cent used clothes, your first too much to even warrant the bargain, there are plenty stop should be the East Vil- of honest-to-goodness con- lage. Start at Monk’s (183 a reaction. signment stores in New York. Avenue B), where you’ll find However, they’re usually too lots of well-worn jeans and picked-over to be of any in- cutesy skirts. I also noticed a hefty rack of faded terest to the fashion-conscious, consignment be- hipster t-shirts, those wearable scraps of counter- ing a nicer term for garments that cater to legiti- culture pastiche and twee irony that have become mately low-income shoppers. (I’ve had far better one of the flagship items of retro cool. luck at Goodwill stores in the middle of nowhere From Monk’s, go to 7th and walk west, stopping than the places in New York.) If you’re dead-set by Bobby’s (104 East 7th Street), which caters on deals, though, one of the better known used mostly to men, Eva’s (97 ½ E. 7th), which has lots clothing stores is Domsey’s (431 Broadway, in of funky jewelry, and Tokio 7 (64 E. 7th), which Williamsburg), which used to take up four floors carries a good number of consignment designer of a warehouse but is now a very modest outlet. labels. These stores draw few tourists, and have While I must say I was somewhat disappointed the sort of charm that lends vintage shopping its by their selection, the prices—it’s hard to argue appeal. Also, trying going south a bit to Centricity with two-dollar shirts and pants—make it worth (63 E. 4th Street), run by an old woman who keeps a mention. two blue parakeets in a cage among the clothes. Finally, a less popular store that’ll deliver al- Neighbors frequently stop in to chat and smoke most as well as Beacon’s Closet (it’s admittedly cigarettes on the stoop. pretty difficult to top the coat and dress selection While these stores in the East Village were at Beacon’s) is the Williamsburg outlet of Buf- pioneers in making used clothing fashionable and falo Exchange (504 Driggs, off North 9th Street), hip, they have been largely supplanted by bigger which began as a tiny shop in Tucson, Arizona stores that cater to a wider consumer base with less and has since branched out considerably. The im- discriminating tastes. The most famous and suc- mediate area vicinity bristles with hipsterdom; a cessful example of this breed is Brooklyn’s Bea- graffito on a nearby brick wall reads “waiting for con’s Closet, most notably its bastion of cool in godard” in self-conscious cursive. At first glance, the heart of Williamsburg (88 North 11th Street), Buffalo Exchange looks irredeemably sleek and though it also has an outpost in Park Slope (220 5th pretty darn chic, but, when it comes down to it, Avenue). Beacon’s trademark logo is a picture of a it’s a thrift store through and through. Here, you’ll smiling bald man with horn-rimmed glasses; about find plenty of gently used clothes: the kind of three-quarters of the hipsters at the Bedford stop stuff fashionistas are aesthetically obliged to toss on the L can be seen carrying pink plastic bags or sell after one season of use, but that can make with this image at any time, day or night. up a pretty awesome ensemble. 

OCTOBER 2006 35 HYGIENE Pain and Redemption in the Russian Bath

BY ADDISON ANDERSON

Russian and Turkish Baths rates: $175 for ten people and $255 for fifteen. I 268 East 10th Street can see student groups taking advantage of this, like Take the 1 down to 14th Street, transfer to the sororities. L, get off at 1st Avenue and walk south. After we paid, an old Russian lady exclaimed “First timers?!” and gave us some cotton shorts. A couple weeks ago, I took a good whiff of myself “Skeeny, skeeny.” After we changed, she pointed and realized that I smelled like stale cereal. It was downstairs and ordered, “basement.” time to escape the grime of Morningside. The long, white-tiled main area was filled with Where could I go? There are hundreds of day laid-back, aging bathers whose wrinkles, flab and spas in Midtown, but I don’t like spas. I am not poorly aged tattoos diminished our insecurities. We clean or good-looking enough to go to a spa. soon learned that, in the bath house, people give And who would I want to hang out with while get- each other a lot of fist-pounds. There’s also some ting clean? Most definitely not spa monkeys named occasional, very non-sexual nudity. If you want to Luke and Heather—I’d rather sit around with fat old be naked, there are special times for men (Sunday Eastern European men. In every spy movie, there’s 7:30-2) and women (Wednesday 9-2) to have the always a scene featuring fat old Eastern European place all to your own gender members, but otherwise men in towels, having fun in a bath house before the you’re supposed to wear shorts or your swimsuit. Or hero kills their leader. That’s when I realized—I you could just be that guy who’s naked because he needed a Russian bath house. There are a bunch feels like it. Nobody cares. of them out in Brighton Beach, but for a good banya I hosed off in the Swedish shower, where pipes only half an hour away, I recommend the Russian with holes bored into them shoot out water at mul- & Turkish (but mostly Russian) Baths on 268 East tiple levels, like high-powered water-guns. Once I 10th Street. snapped out of the summer-camp flashbacks, I real- Ready to have ized I was clean! things done to our My next stop was a long, bodies, my compan- four-foot deep pool of ice- ion Mike and I walked cold water. This water was into the brownstone so cold that my body didn’t that houses the baths, just freeze; it experienced a and a Russian guy in new state of being. It was if a robe put two metal as if my toes had achieved boxes in front of us. consciousness and their He grunted, “Give me first thought was, “Wow, your valuables,” and this is just strange.” gave us numbered After a dip in the cold keys. Full use of the pool, Mike and I saw the basic facilities costs door with a sign over it: $25. If you bring “Russian Room, Radiant friends, the Baths Heat.” The Russian Room offer special group Illustrated by Julia Butareva is where Satan got the idea

36 THE BLUE AND WHITE HYGIENE for his fiery pits. Everyone sits in a dark cavern on pieces of wood laid across stadium-style stone benches. The giant rock-walled furnace is filled with 20,000 pounds of rocks that are cooked over- night. Patrons drape wet towels over their heads, like boxers in hell. Mike leaned back and singed himself on the rock behind him. My contact lenses warped onto my pupils. I couldn’t touch my hair because it was so much hotter than the rest of my body. Breath- ing through my nose burned all my nostril hairs. I drank from one of the running faucets. A guy next to me grabbed a bucket from underneath the faucet and dumped it all over himself. Oh. So that’s what you do. After a few more minutes in the inferno, I hustled out to the cold pool. I submerged myself, my heart rate jumped and my breathing quickened and my brain told me I was dying. I got out. Illustrated by Carly Hoogendyk A Russian man asked me if I wanted a massage. At the Baths, the employees wear the same clothes ding sternly, others were just suffering in the heat. I as the customers, so don’t be surprised or uncom- had forgotten my name. fortable if someone who looks civilian offers to The branch crashed into my face—perhaps brute touch you. I requested a platza, an Old World skin- force opens pores. Then he hit me in the armpits, care technique sometimes called “Jewish acupunc- dropped another bucket of water on me, and dragged ture.” The man led me back into the Russian Room me out by the wrist to the cold pool. I dunked my- to a wet mat on the highest bench and made me lay self, got out, and he wrapped me in a robe and sat down on my stomach. He dragged in a bucket full me on a bench to recuperate. I spaced out as Mike of special olive oil soap. Then he got out a big leafy received the same treatment. oak branch. When Mike went in, there weren’t any women in The Russian man covered my head with a towel. the room, so the guy felt comfortable pulling Mike’s He then dipped the branch in the oil, lathered my shorts down and platza-ing his bare rump. Mike back, and began to violently smack me. He struck said it was no big deal, really, until a moment later me all over my back and legs with the branch be- when that very same sullied branch hit him in the fore cranking every limb to near dislocation, all the face, which somehow made it even cooler and more while dumping buckets of freezing water on me to Russian. Mike also got some cheers from the people stave off the heat. There was no warning. I was in the room, who sang part of a Russian pop song for totally powerless, bewildered by random sensation. him and told him, at the end of the massage, “Now “Face up.” you’re a man!” I was jealous. “Huh? What?” Before getting dressed we checked out the “Face up.” lounge. The walls were decked with reviews and “I don’t…huh?” I peeked out from under my signed testimonials from patrons like Bill Clinton, towel. John Belushi, and John Amos from the movie Beast “Face up,” he said as he spun two fingers. I Master, who sent in a picture of himself as the Beast flipped over. Master. My chest was lathered so the branch could re- After dressing we floated back onto 10th St. and turn. I concentrated on breathing. The man exe- wandered the streets in a blissful daze. I kept rub- cuted some more massage holds on me, defeated me bing myself and sighing. I couldn’t remember ever handily, and sat me up. I peeked out into the dark feeling so good all over. The feeling—the Russian room. Some of the people were watching and nod- Zen aftermath—lasted the rest of the day. 

OCTOBER 2006 37 DORKS ON JOCKS Exercise Your Etiquette

BY AMARI HAMMONDS Either Plato is the ultimate fitness motivator, or a huge number of Columbia students realized before Contempo- rary Civilizations that a sound body complements a sound mind. Anyone who’s set foot in Dodge knows that, in terms of traffic, the fitness center often rivals Butler during finals season—with what seems like the entire student body fighting tooth and nail for a few prime bits of real estate. Such volume requires a high level of consideration for your fellow gym-goer, and a few useful guidelines can make for an improved experience for all.

Sharing Machines: How to Keep Pace Body Issues: We’ve All Got Them DO respect the “one 30-min reservation for one DO keep unnecessary odors to a minimum. Espe- piece of equipment per day” rule for cardio equip- cially in the lower fitness levels, the windowless ment. Signup-sheet deception is always in poor cavern that is Dodge Gym can quickly become hot taste. If you must cheat, please make some effort and malodorous. Remember to deodorize. Also re- to conceal your misdeed—vary your handwriting, member that passing gas while on the treadmill is transpose your initials, etc.—unless you want the decidedly not cool. gym staff to hate you in your cowardly anonymity. DON’T neglect the paper towels and cleaning so- DON’T hover, even if only to establish that you lution provided. How would you feel if the person are next in line for a piece of equipment. Even if ahead of you left the bike seat all gross and sweaty? the person ahead of you is working out beyond his Seriously. Ew. or her scheduled time, hovering quickly becomes annoying, especially when accompanied by hateful DO expect to see people completely naked in the stares. Much of Columbia might not have figured locker room. If you don’t feel comfortable with this out yet, but there are better ways to get your strangers in all their natural glory, find somewhere point across than passive aggression. else to get dressed. If you do go in, try not to stare.

DO use the oversized digital clock that is visible Socially Speaking… from the top-level cardio machines to judge time, DON’T get your flirt on at the gym. This is uncom- not your own watch or iPod clock. According to gym fortable for everyone involved. There are plenty of personnel, smaller clocks throughout the gym are other places on campus to be smooth, but the gym is actually more accurate, but no matter. If there’s con- for strengthening hearts, not breaking them. fusion, don’t be afraid to ask employees to reset a clock to the main one; apparently they’ll only do it if DO think carefully about when and how to say someone complains. hello to someone at the gym. Figuring out whether or not to acknowledge that dude on College Walk DON’T relax on a piece of equipment between who was in your Lit Hum class weight-training reps. It’s two years ago is bad enough. okay to rest, but remember Add into the equation sweaty that there is a fine line be- backs, red cheeks, and span- tween resting and relaxing. dex, and you’ve exponentially Muscles need rest between increased the potential social sets for proper recovery; you awkwardness of small talk. do not need to squeeze in a Generally speaking, you’d be paragraph of Saint Augustine prudent to keep social interac- before starting your next set. tions brief.  Illustrated by Matt Franks 38 THE BLUE AND WHITE CAMPUS GOSSIP When asked his favorite joke recently, Music De- AT LEAST THEY DIDN’T CALL US PUSSIES! partment professor Brad Garton gave us the follow- ing gem: Ever since the Minuteman riot, people have taken up the nasty habit of calling us names, usually on Why did the monkey fall out of the tree? Fox News. THE BLUE AND WHITE has sifted through Because it was dead. [Editor’s note: see pages 14-16 muck and discovered potential slogans for the re- for the real reason.] cently-launched capital campaign.  Bill O’Reilly, host of The O’Reilly Factor on Fox BRING YOUR OWN REMOTE News: -“An ultra-left institution” While the new televisions at JJ’s place are wonder- -“A disgrace” ful, they do have one flaw—you can’t change the -“A place of indoctrination, not interested in free channel. Some students have started bringing their speech or learning” own universal remote controls to get the job done, -“The University of Havana–North” but find themselves running into trouble when the -“A Kool-Aid campus” JJ’s staff keeps trying to fry them. -“A left-wing jihad that holds power at Columbia University.”  Hal Turner, conservative radio host, on his website: In the first meeting of this fall’s Softball PE class at -“Spics and kikes” Baker Field, a student answered a cell phone call -“Savage beasts” while playing shortstop. The teacher, Columbia’s -“Filthy animals” softball coach, yelled at him as he took his time get- ting off the phone. “Okay, can I call you later? Okay. Jim Gilchrist, founder of the Minuteman Militia Thanks.” -“A tangle of different radical an anarchist groups” -“The 21st Century KKK”  -“Fascist liberal anarchists” The good folks at Ritter Sport have recently been -“Domestic terrorists.” giving out a lot of free chocolate samples outside And the worst insult of them all…. the gates and putting up a good number of advertis- Martin Stewart, Minuteman ing posters on local bus stops. A little investigation -“Undiciplined students” reveals that they are an athletic department sponsor, and sometimes give away free full-sized chocolate  bars at football games. Three years after the junior class entered Columbia, the bottom of every receipt at Morton Williams Uni- In other news, MEALAC will now be sponsored by versity Supermarket still reads “Welcome class of Hebrew National. Even tenured professors will have 2008!” It appears that MoWi changes their slogans to answer to a higher authority. about as often as they change their muffins.

OCTOBER 2006 39 PROFESSIONAL TRAINING OR DIGITALIA? C. If there is a white board instead of a blackboard, bring your own markers. (The ones in the class are After stumbling across an internally circulated often dried out. packet entitled “A Seminar Leader’s D. Use diagrams as well as words. … Manual” put together by Columbia E. Erase carefully. professors and graduate students for their colleagues, a B&W -When you are facing the staffer felt it imperative to ex- blackboard, stop talking. In cerpt some of the more ne- other words, don’t talk into farious secrets of the col- the blackboard. lege teaching trade. (All advice below has been -In this example, the stu- quoted verbatim.) dent may know the cor- rect answer and just be -Long, dead silences are using poor English by ac- boring… cident, or the student may not know and be using un- -Let students write or discuss clear language on purpose to the issue at hand before you call hide his or her confusion. Alter- on them. (This allows them to think natively, the student may not even without looking stupid.) realize that s/he is unclear in his or her own mind! -Some students are reluctant to talk in class, espe- cially in a subject they don’t feel on top of. Some of -Asking, “Does everyone understand?” doesn’t usu- these will blossom if you call on them; others will ally get a satisfactory answer. You have to look at the wilt. students’ faces or ask a specific question in order to find out if they understand. -If Joe doesn’t take the hint, and continues to mo-  nopolize the discussion, speak to him privately. -If you start to explain, and realize half way through that you are stuck, it usually pays to stop and admit -Never belittle a student, no matter how stupid the it. It doesn’t pay to continue, unless you are one question is.…As one guru of discussion leading of those rare people who can think well enough in says, “No negativity.” public to get untangled in front of the class. The best strategy is usually to stop before you get in -Follow up an answer with a question. (Another ap- even deeper, and to go home and figure it out. (But plication of: “Ask, don’t tell.”) be sure to tell the students the answer when you finish.) -You do not need to say everything you know—it’s usually better not to say everything you know on the  subject, but it is necessary to know more than you plan to say so that you will feel confident. THE ROOT CAUSE OF ANTI-PET TERRORISM

-A common response to a complicated problem is, The Columbia University Medical Center is cur- “How the *?#*#*! am I supposed to answer/solve rently running a study on “pet bereavement.” If this?” you’re willing to drag yourself out of your depres- sion-ridden state of mourning and go up to 168th -How to write on the board Street, a completely objective, non-sadistic team of A. Both words and diagrams should be large and researchers will pay you $200 to sit in an MRI for clear. If the room is large, get some big soft chalk. 40 minutes and think about your ex-best friend. B. Use colored chalk as much as possible. (But remember color blind students can’t tell red from  green.) The language requirement…it’s un-American!

40 THE BLUE AND WHITE