THE UNDERGRADUATE MAGAZINE OF COLUMBIA UNIVERSITY, EST. 1890 THE BLUE AND WHITE Vol. XIII No. Ill November 2006

“ I KNOW YOU HATE YOURSELVES” The Minutemen come to Morningside Heights by Lydia DePillis

IF A TREE FALLS ON COLLEGE RADIO, DOES ANYONE HEAR IT? By Sasha De Vogel

ALSO: GRAND THEFT B IC Y C LE , HI I) I) E N II K STAUIIAN T S , T H E G A 7' E S Editor-in-Chief AVI ZVI ZENILMAN

Publisher ANDHKW IÎICHAKD HUSSETH

Managing Editors JESSICA SHIZU ISOKAWA JOSIE DOLL SWINDLER TAYLOR WALSH

Graphics Editor JE R O N E HSU

Culture Editor MARC TRACY

Senior Editors BRENDAN 0. PIERSON PAUL 1!. BA R N D T ANDREW M. FLYNN JAMES R. WILLIAMS

Weh Muster ZACH ARY VAN SCHOUW EN

Copy ChieJ NICHOLAS FRISCH

Editor-ut-Large ADDISON ANDERSON

Deputy Publisher Hwog Editor INGRID SCHOLZE LYDIA D kPILLIS

Staff Writers LENORA BAIIII, BRENDAN BALLOU, SIOBHAN BURKE, JESSICA COHEN, 1GGY CORTEZ, DAN D’ADDARIO, ALEX DE LÉON, SASHA DE VOGEL, IZUMI DEVALIER, JESSICA LIN, ANNA PHILLIPS, KATIE REEDY, YELENA SHUSTER, IAN SOLSKY, CHRIS SZABLA, SARA VOGEL

Artists SUMAIYA AHMED, JULIA BUTAREVA, CHRISTINE DELONG, BEN WEINRYB GROHSGAL, MERRELL HAMBLETON, CARLY HOOGENDYK, JENNY LAM, RACHEL LINDSAY, SH AIN A RUBIN 'S Contributors ANNA CORKE, OWAIN EVANS, AVISHAI GEBLER, LAUREN GLOVER, JUSTIN CONCALVES, AMARI HAMMONDS, MARK HOLDEN, THEODORE KROLIK, KATE LINTHICUM, JOSHUA MATHEW, ETHAN PACK, WILL SNIDER THE BLUE AND WHITE

Vol. XIII FAMAM EXTENDIMUS FACTIS No. Ill

C o l u m n s

4 B l u e b o o k

8 C a m p u s C h a r a c t e r s

22 D ig it a l ia C o l u m b ia n a

30 V e r il y V e r it a s

39 Campus Gossip

C o v e r S t o r y

Lydia DePillis 10 “ I Know You H ate Yourselves.” The Minutemen come to Morningside Heights.

F e a t u r e s

Lenora Babb 20 L o r d s o f t h e C u b ic l e Department administrators and the university that needs them.

Addison Anderson 24 S o a p D is p e n s a b l e

The Blue and W hite writes The Gates.

Brendan Ballou 26 S p a n k in g t h e O l d G r a y L a d y

A conversation with former N Y T Public Editor Daniel Ohrent.

A rts

Sasha de Vogel 31 If A Tree Falls On College Radio, Does Anyone H ear It? CMJ, vanguard o f the indie-tariat.

Paul Barndt 34 Grand Theft Bicycle A review o f the video game B u lly .

Andrew Russeth 36 If These W alls Could Sauté A review o f New York City’s hidden restaurants.

Dan D ’Addario 38 The Nightly Snooze Watching C TVfor three hours.

WWW.theblueandwhite.org -és COVER: "Minutemen" by Rachel Lindsay

N ovember 2006 3 TRANSACTIONS

DEPARTURES

LUE Starting cornerback Chad Musgrove, C’08.

Barnard dorm superintendent Oscar Sevilla, for filing a false police report, indicating that he was stabbed on OOK 110th Street.

Bill O’R eilly’s commie-hunt.

Our respect for student council, after their Metrocard discounts amount to Vaclav Havel— the artist, the citizen, the residency— has a measly two percent— $19.60 for a descended upon Momingside Heights, and Columbia is $20 card. prepared. Havel readings, Havel plays, Havel talks, you ask? Well, yes, but that’s only the beginning! Have you ARRIVALS gotten your Vdclav Havel Nalgene? Nalgenes are unbreak­ able, just like the will of Havel. Or your complimentary Havelmania! Vdclav Havel Papa John’s— as sumptuous and delectable Orhan Pamuk’s Nobel Prize for Lit­ as the prose o f the freedom-fighter himself. Havelicious! erature.

These are— indubitably— fine commemorations of the Edmund Phelps’ Nobel Prize for Eco­ gloriousness of Havel. But, you, dear Columbia student, nomics. can do better. For, if after seeing all 16 staged productions Presumably the world’s best flan, for of the Havel canon, you are still thirsty for more, Columbia $6.50 at Havana Central at the West is ready to provide. Look at the scheduled Havel events, and wonder at the unlimited possibilities of Havel: Archi­ End. tects! Plastic People of the Universe! Orhan Pamuk! Two new trustees, Kyriakos Tsako- poulos, C’93, and Kenneth Forde, Wait, what’s that, first-years? You don’t know who Havel Medicine ’59. is? Don’t worry— just wait for that 9:10 Lit Hum class, when you will be coaxed into expressing your feelings $15 million from the Bill and Melinda about the man, or perhaps even apply your feminist read­ Gates Foundation to the Earth Insti­ ing o f Medea to Havel’s Garden Party. And Lou Reed is tute. ready to tell you about Havel right now. Columbia’s Havel CTV’s much hyped soap The Gates, web site offers an interview segment entitled “The Vel­ vet Revolution and the Velvet Underground,” in which with kissing lesbians. the king of heroin-themed rock-fantasia contemplates his connection to the Czech writer-politician. “ The Vel­ WE’RE STILL WAITING vet Revolution, they meant peaceful,” Reed says. “ It was “ Erotic review” Outlet aims to bring not named after the Velvet Underground, that’s my under­ eroticism to Columbia. Where are the standing, much as I would like, I suppose, to think of it boobs? the other way.” I’m sure the feeling is mutual.

— Andrew Flynn Senior Editor

4 T h e B l u e a n d W h it e COME AGAIN.. 5 “ Of course, having never seen much grit for most of their lives, Columbia stu­ dents tend to balk at the first sight of too much reality— like going above 125th street. On the other hand, joining a protest group is easy and safe but still ‘edgy’ and cool. It lets students feel good about themselves and their convictions and their fight against ‘the man’ without ever having to leave the shelter and structure of campus.” — Matt Mireles, GS’08, writing in The New York Post

DIGIT TALES: HIGH ROLLERS REVELATION OF THE

Columbia’s top three earners, as of 2004: MONTH

David N. Silvers, Clinical Professor of Dermatology $3,721,741 (0.15% of operating expenses)

Eric Allen Rose, Professor of Surgery $1,800,425 (0.07% of operating expenses)

Mehmet C. Oz, Professor of Surgery $1,549,542 (0.06% of operating expenses)

And their bosses: Can’t get enough ROLM? If you want a phone of your own, you’ll have to Lee Bollinger, President shell out $800. If you just want a new $641,835 (0.02% of operating expenses) number and some voicemail on the side, be prepared to spend $120 a Judith R. Shapiro, President o f Barnard $301,000 (0.26% of Barnard’s expenses) month.

CALENDAR

November 15, 2006, 3-4 p.m., Roone Arledge Auditorium Attend what should be the most presidential event of the year, the Kraft Program Series: Challenges of New Democracies. Starring President Vaclav Havel and President Bill Clinton and moderated by President Lee Bollinger.

November 16, 8:30 p.m., James Room, 4th Floor, Barnard Hall The 21st Annual Joyce Kilmer Memorial Bad Poetry Contest. But isn’t it all bad poetry, really?

November 17, 7 p.m., Levien Gym Take your place in the Lion’s Den for the men’s basketball team’s first home game. They face the Highland­ ers of the New Jersey Institute of Technology, a very bad team.

December 1-2, 8 p.m., Miller Theatre See Vdclav Havel’s adaptation of John Gay’s The Beggar’s Opera, presented by the Barnard Slavic and Theatre Departments, and the Harriman Institute. There will be puppets.

Bluebook compiled by Ian Solsky and Josie Swindler, illustrations by Jerone Hsu

N ovember 2006 5 BLUEBOOK

nostalgia! Oh sparkle-eyed memories of one-on-one with a trained BASICS counselor (con­ Ofreshman year, dazedly recognizing familiar fidentially of course). The student is given “ home­ faces in John Jay after epic nights o f debauchery, work” in the form of a small card to be carried donning sweats and double fisting Gatorade and around to the ol’ watering holes for recording how coffee to partake in the token conversations o f the much, on what days, and over what duration drink­ omelette line: “ remember that stupid bitch who got ing strikes. Although BASICS seems like an Alco­ CAVAed?” hol.edu spin-off in itself, the program also requires Being CAVAed, being carried in a stretcher down the completion of an online survey questionnaire. the steps of a brownstone by kids you vaguely re­ The information provided about typical alcohol member from Chem lab, is the most demeaning ex­ intake, the perverse motivations that cause you to perience of Columbia nightlife— whether you were drink, and relative aptitude in remembering how conscious at the time or not. But while the CAVA to calculate BAC makes up the content of the sec­ experience has historically ended with an IV and a ond session, which takes a personalized look at the trip to the dry cleaners, now Columbia has decided trends in the student’s habits and makes suggestions to crack down. to prevent future incidents. Though the process Beginning this year, the BASICS (Brief Alcohol is relatively painless, it takes the somewhat light­ Screening and Intervention for College Students) hearted moments of drunken misjudgment out of the program is a new step in Columbia’s involvement dark night and smoky house to the real world o f Co­ with the alcoholic extracurriculars o f its student lumbia— as if the high heel-shaped bruise, hundred body. The BASICS program is “ designed to assist dollar co-pay, and phone call to the parents wasn’t students in examining their own drinking behavior enough margarita salt on the wound. in a judgment-free environment.” — Rachel Lindsay For everyone who gets CAVAed, this involves attending two ses­ sions, two n a late-summer night in the East Village, a weeks Otrendy crowd has gathered for an hour of cre­ apart, of ative enlightenment.. .at a laundromat. The occasion 30- and is Dirty Laundry: Loads of Prose (dirtylaundryread- 4 5 - m in ­ ings.com), a reading series that transforms laundro­ ute du­ mats into literary havens and the task o f washing r a t io n s , clothes into something oddly dramatic. Established where the and emerging writers share their work with loyal student fans, curious passersby, and the innocent few who discusses just need clean clothes. his or her A member o f the third contingent catches our at­ d rin k in g tention, just as Act II— “ The Dry Cycle” — is about habits to begin.

6 T he B lue and W hite BLUEBOOK

Protection, a group she founded this year. But the native Nebraskan travels with a warm smile, in addition to a bulky stack o f information on the merits o f veganism. I eyed it warily. Was I about to be told that my lifestyle had caused harm to countless animals in unforgivable living condi­ tions? W ell...yes. A handout from an “ Eating is Ethics” panel in honor of Vegan Awareness Week in October (Christatos even got Dining Services to observe it!) best summed up the club’s intentions and values: vegans avoid all animal products, for health, moral, and environmental reasons. This means no eggs or dairy, since their production increases the suffering o f cows and chickens, not to mention the environ­ mental tolls of pollution and wasted resources. Twice the sinner, I shifted uncomfortably in my seat. As she shuffled through information booklets A disheveled grad student, en route to the dryer, citing a growing acceptance o f these issues and has inadvertently stepped in front o f the micro­ showed me pictures from her internship at Farm phone, landing in the limelight. Clad in stained t- Sanctuary, an animal protection and rescue organi­ shirt and last-resort sweatpants, he wasn’t anticipat­ zation in upstate New York, Christatos’ enthusiasm ing a public appearance. But as he maneuvers past was impressive, even if I remain an irreversible the makeshift stage and through the crowd, directing carnivore. his laundry cart with the utmost care, his mundane She knows there are diverse views on veganism behavior becomes a stirring, suspenseful part of the within the club and in the Columbia community, so show. We applaud his performance. she’s willing to make some concessions. “ On a per­ Perhaps this balance between the intellectual and sonal level, I abstain [from animal products], but on the mundane— between writing and people-watch­ a policy level, my goals are for more humane leg­ ing— has fueled the growing popularity of Loads of islation,” said the political science and psychology Prose. Its west coast debut last month drew record double major, who plans on attending law school, attendance, and legitimate writers are now looking with special interest in— not surprisingly— animal for gigs at such prestigious venues as Avenue C law and civil rights and liberties law. The club is, Laundromat and Cosmos Launderama. then, “ not an attack” on non-vegans, Christatos Our very own Broadway Bubbles (Broadway be­ was careful to emphasize, but rather a way to create tween 107th and 108th) hosts the next event on No­ awareness of the impacts of eating. vember 15 at 8 p.m. Bring your lights, darks, or — Jessica Lin delicates, because just like the entertainment, the quarters and detergent are free. Authors Lisa Fer- ber and Will Leitch will read; Kevin Draine, “The Bitter Poet,” will throw in a musical interlude; and, rounding out the program— whoever shows up with their dirty laundry. — Siobhan Burke

lifetime of meaty, sumptuous Chinese cooking Amade me nervous to meet Kathleen Christatos, B’07, president of Columbia Students for Animal

N ovember 2006 7 Campus Characters ou might not know the follow ing figures— but you should. In Campus Characters, The Blue and YW h i t e introduces you to a handful o f Columbians who are up to interesting and extraordinary things, and whose stories beg to be shared. I f you’d like to suggest a Campus Character, send us an e-mail at theblueandwhite @columbia. edu.

S h a d £ O g u n l e y e thing with my life,” Shadè says of the orphanage. Shadè has been outspoken on a whole range of Mofolashade Ashani Olukeji Ogunleye, C’09, is issues, publishing newspaper articles about her an average Columbia sophomore. She gets up early brother who has cerebral palsy and about being to fulfill her pre-med requirements, loves MySpace, African-American in a predominately Caucasian and eats a lot— “ the car doesn’t run without fuel,” area. She mentions in passing her victory in the Miss she explains. Except that she created a Mexican Jr. Teen California Pageant at sixteen. And then— orphanage. And she’s Miss Black New York. Oh, and mostly by accident— she became Miss Black New she might be a Nigerian princess. York. “ I was surfing the web and sort of stumbled on When prodded, Shade smiles, explaining that the Miss Black USA pageant,” Shadè explains. “ [I] her great-grandfather was the chief of a Yoruba saw that they were searching for state delegates and I tribe. This is all she’s willing to admit. W ild specu­ thought, ‘Why not? ’” So she sent in her picture, bio, lations aside, Shade’s past is still an impressive and application. Two weeks later she participated in story. She was born in “a Mormon town in south a three-hour phone interview and two days after that California” — Santa Clarita— to a redheaded mother was presented with the title, by phone. and a Nigerian motivational speaker. During a trip Now, Shadè lias bigger, more important goals, to a Mexican orphanage, Shadfe was appalled by like winning the Miss Black USA pageant in May the living conditions; babies were changed once a 2007. She knows exactly what she’d do with her day and showered once a week. So she enlisted her reign: promote her signature issue, spreading H IV mother’s help in starting the education-oriented non­ awareness. As with all of her advocacy, Shadè’s profit “ Kids International Foundation.” Eventually words ring with a personal urgency. “ I had always she was able to build an entirely new orphanage in associated AIDS with gays, druggies and third world Tijuana— El Faro (“ The Lighthouse” ). “ It’s one of countries,” she told me. “ But then I met Stephanie. I those things that makes me feel like I ’m doing some- didn’t have to go anywhere else to help out— AIDS is here.” Stephanie was Shadè’s first year roommate at Columbia. Her parents died of AIDS and her brother was born with the disease. Shade couldn’t not make Stephanie’s story the backbone of her platform. Shadè was in impressive form when speaking at a high school recently. She presented the facts clearly: AIDS is the number one killer of African-Americans from ages twenty-five to forty-four in the United States. Her message is even stronger. “ How many more chil­ dren have to die?” she asked the crowd. “ How many more Stephanies have to suffer? How many more chil­ dren will become orphaned because of AID S?” Afterward, a flock of girls rushed over to Shadè, to talk to her for over an hour about boyfriends and other girly things. They asked if she used Proactive and if she played basketball in high school, and play­ fully presented her with the title of “ Miss Universe.” Really, though, she’s not far off. — Alex de Léon

8 T he B lue and W hite R o y F e l d m a n are well-versed in the one-liner, just like his come­ dic influences: Sid Caesar, Mel Brooks, and Woody A magician walks into a real estate agency. Allen. “ There’s a lot o f heckling,” he says. “ But “ Hey. I just got my real estate license and I ’d it’s not the same type o f heckling [as in stand up]. like a job,” he says. It’s not like they’re saying, ‘Roy, I slept with your The receptionist looks at the young man in jeans mother!” ’ and chuckles. Roy casually inserts one-liners into conversa­ There’s no punch line to this joke. A sleight- tion the way some o f us insert verbal crutches. A of-hand magician, Roy Feldman, C’09, was dead few weeks ago, he told floormates that at Bar Mitz- serious when he walked into Barak Realty on 72nd vahs and birthday parties his stage name is just Street this summer, looking for employment. He Roy Feldman. “ But at communions,” he says, “ it’s wanted a job close to campus, but after years of Roy McAllister.” making $300 per gig pulling quarters out of kids’ Or this gem: “My grandmother likes to call me ears on Long Island, he says he couldn’t fathom sometimes. She calls me every two weeks to ask swiping cards in dorm lobbies for 10 bucks an me why I don’t call her at least once a month.” hour. But there’s something about his pithy character So the spoils of a summer playing real estate that makes him uneasy. He feels he is constantly broker on the Upper West Side were attractive— performing— at magic shows, campus plays, and though Roy found showing apartments as theatri­ apartment open houses. That doesn’t leave much cal as staging a magic show. time or energy for just being Roy. “ It’s up to you to make yourself seem like you’re “ I ’ve been performing so much it’s more natural experienced,” he says. “ If you can walk up to for me to be acting,” he says. somebody, having been in real estate for one week, He is also concerned about his future money­ and say ‘I’m the best rentals broker on the West making prospects as a performer and calls his pas­ Side’— if you can say that and keep a straight face sions— filmmaking and acting— “ not guaranteed.” and set aside the fact that it’s totally immoral— then But he’ll always have that real estate license as you could probably be a good real estate broker.” insurance if he finds himself without acting jobs. For Roy, magic and real estate are both decep­ After all, Roy says, “ I don’t want to be 45 years tive arts. But there’s a key difference: “ In magic old, living in a box and eating ketchup soup.” you’re bullshitting people, but they know you’re At least he’ll have his one-liners to keep him bullshitting them.” company. Roy started his pursuit of all things bullshit in — Sara Vogel the second grade, when he bought his first magic trick to play the part o f Merlin in a school play. At 11, he headlined the Christmas show at the Bay- side branch of the Queens Public Library. That summer, he went to magic camp for an in­ tensive week o f workshops and classes taught by professional magicians— a camp to which he has returned each year since. As he honed his talent, he began a “ target-mar­ keting campaign” to seek out wealthy clients in Queens and Long Island. By his senior year in high school he was filling his weekends with Bar Mitz- vahs and birthday parties, entertaining swarms of uninterested ’tweens and disgruntled six-year-olds with his elaborate, comedic, energy-draining rou­ tines. Roy practices “stand-up magic,” a blend of comedy and magic that uses the magician’s “ char­ acter” as a medium. Roy says all o f his characters

N ovember 2006 9 MINUTEMEN

"I KNOW YOU HATE YOURSELVES. i i

The Minutemen come to Morningside Heights.

By Lydia D epillis

Illu strated by Rachel Lindsay

t started with a poster. Karina Garcia, C’07, and “We were just really shocked,” said Garcia, the I Martin Lopez, C’07, were flyering for a financial political chair of Chicano Caucus, a campus group aid reform campaign in late September when they for students of Mexican origin. “ It was a ridiculous spotted a stylized drawing of a Revolutionary War sign.” soldier holding a cell phone and binoculars, next The Columbia University College Republicans to the announcement that Jim Gilchrist, founder of invited Gilchrist, a former accountant from Orange the two-year-old Minuteman Project, would speak County, to Columbia to “ let us know” about illegal at Columbia on October 4. immigration. “ It’s definitely a threat to our way of The typical Minuteman is a 60-year old white life and safety,” CUCR president Chris Kulawik, male, probably armed, who sits in a lawn chair and C’08, told the Columbia Daily Spectator on Octo­ calls border security when he sees someone suspi­ ber 2. No stranger to controversy, Kulawik writes ciously straggling across the desert. an opinion column for the Spectator and, in No­ vember 2005, brought former attorney general Additional reporting by Kate Linthicum & Marc Tracy John Ashcroft to campus.

10 T he Blue and W hite MINUTEMEN

On September 26, Garcia called for an open Several well-dressed College Republicans checked planning meeting. She wrote in a second e-mail Columbia ID cards at the turnstiles while security two days later, “ These bigots and their backward officers stood by the entrance to Roone Arledge views are NOT welcome here!” Eva Fortes, C’09 Auditorium sifting through purses. According to created a Facebook group called “Protest the Min- Kulawik, at least one plot was foiled when guards utemen!” that soon reached 600 members. Act found eggs in a student’s bag. Now to Stop War and End Seats filled up quickly. Racism (ANSWER), a na­ Those unable to find chairs crossed into the roped-off tionwide “anti-imperialist” One by one, students organization that Garcia has section reserved for press worked for part-time, helped stood and turned and College Republicans. secure a sound system and About 10 security officers street permits for a protest on their backs, until entire ringed the room. Adminis­ Broadway. Groups including trators circled in the back of the Black Students Organiza­ rows faced the back of the room, behind the cameras tion and Asian American Al­ trained on the stage. liance, as well as the College the auditorium. Meanwhile, Garcia, Mo­ Democrats, encouraged their nique Dols, GS’07, and Da­ members to attend the pro­ vid Judd, E’08, were telling a test and challenge Gilchrist few students in white shirts, in the scheduled Q & A session. which protesters wore as a sign of solidarity, that About a week before the event, CUCR Executive they planned to bring banners on stage when Gil­ Director Lauren Steinberg, C’09, sent an e-mail to christ came up to speak. Dols, a petite brunette, leaders o f four campus Latino organizations, asking and Judd, a bespectacled Computer Science major, them to cosponsor the event. A ll declined. Chicano form the core of Columbia’s International Social­ Caucus president Adhemir Romero, C’07, said the ist Organization. The ISO’s presence on campus timing left no room for planning input, and pointed is largely limited to co-sponsorship of events and out that CUCR didn’t need the financial support selling copies o f the Socialist Worker every Thurs­ that co-sponsorships typically provide. “ I had to day on College Walk. read it twice through,” he said three weeks later, Garcia would not tell me how many people she still incredulous. Maybe a later event, he wrote told, although one source says that about 20 people back, one where there could a panel with multiple knew ahead of time. Romero, and many others who perspectives. helped plan the outside protest, had no idea she At 7:30 p.m. on Wednesday, October 4, at least had planned an action for inside as well. Right be­ 200 people gathered inside a police cordon on fore the event, she explicitly assured a concerned 115'1' Street. The crowd waved signs and a woman Fortes, who been designated to write a Spectator on a microphone shouted slogans in English and editorial after the event, that the plan was still to Spanish, her voice echoing across the quad and just ask tough questions during the Q & A ses­ through the walls of Butler library. sion. “Workers of the world unite! Same struggle, At 8:10, Minuteman Director of Community Re­ same fight!” lations Marvin Stewart, a black minister in a dark “ Minutemen, Nazis, KKK! Racists, fascists, go green suit, started his speech by thanking Jesus away!” Christ and then Kulawik. He launched into a ser­ Leah Krauss, B’08, marched with several friends mon on the responsibility of Christian citizens to in the light drizzle. “ I think the Minutemen repre­ defend the founding principles of America. The sent what’s wrong in people, and this represents audience responded with cries of “black white what’s best in people,” she said, pointing to the supremacist!” and “ Go home!” Stewart bellowed fiery crowd around her. back, “ I am home! God bless America, and Amer­ The crowd thinned as the 8:00 p.m. start time ica bless God!” approached, and people filtered into Lemer Hall. Stewart had been allocated 20 minutes, but his

N ovember 2006 11 MINUTEMEN increasingly free-associative rant approached the as the crowd roared. Garcia and an unidentified 40-minute mark. The heckling crowd erupted in graduate involved with AN SW E R unfurled a white applause when someone shouted, “ In Spanish, sign, this one declaring, “Say No to Racism.” please!” One by one, students stood and turned The protestors expected security to promptly their backs, until entire rows faced the back of usher them off the stage, as had happened to Dols the auditorium. “ Are you standing with your backs last November when she similarly interrupted the to me?” Stewart demanded. Ashcroft speech. They did “ Why’d you come? No wonder not expect that several Min- you don’t know anything.” A man said he had uteman supporters and Col­ Concerned administrators lege Republicans— who had looked unsure o f what to do. headbutted one of the been sitting in the roped- Kulawik stood uncomfort­ off section up front— would "Socialist Fascist C om ­ ably next to the podium, and mount the stage and begin a Stewart’s voice cracked as mies"— whom he thought furious tug o f war, touching beads of sweat trickled down off a brawl that would be re­ his forehead. “ Religion and was trying to get at played on televisions across morality are necessary for the country. government,” he barked. Gilchrist. “ Wrap it up! Wrap it up!” napshots, pieced together chanted the students. Sfrom shaky videos and Finally, Stewart finished, shouting, “ God bless conflicting memories (including my own), emerge America, and America bless God!” from those frenzied minutes. Kulawik took the podium and chastened the Lopez, lurching across the floor in front of the crowd. “ I was under the false assumption that this stage, passed below a looming Kulawik and then was an Ivy League School.” recoiled as a ponytailed man in a black baseball Then, at about 8:50, Jim Gilchrist— a stout man hat— later identified by Spectator as Kevin Ha- with a snow-white crew cut— entered and put his hulsky, a welder from Queens— kicked him in the arm around Stewart. “ Now who’re you calling rac­ head. The Minuteman Project’s spokesman later ist?” he shouted. “I love the First Amendment. denied any connection with those who defended As soon as you graduate, you’ll all be investment Gilchrist, and condemned the violence. bankers. I ’ve been where you at. I know you hate One protester went face to face with Stewart, yourselves.” who pulled out a can o f pepper spray and said, The floor of Roone Arledge brimmed with noise “ What are you going to do?” The protester, who like a football stadium. “ Hey! What’s the deal with was white, called him a racist and said, “No hu­ illegal immigration?” he sneered. man being is illegal!” After speaking for roughly a minute, Gilchrist As tables were overturned and security guards turned to his right and noticed that Dols and Judd tried to detain the protesters, Gilchrist, who had had entered stage right. They held up a yellow been hustled backstage, briefly reemerged. He banner that read, in Spanish, English, and Arabic, stood next to a man who appeared to be Hahulsky, “No One is Illegal.” The speech was over. and the two recited the pledge of allegiance at the Dols was ecstatic. “We were met with an over­ top of their lungs while saluting wildly. “One na­ whelming sense of elation from the crowd that had tion! Under God! Indivisible!” been abused by the Minutemen speakers [Stewart Chants broke out sporadically, people stood on and Gilchrist], and were insulted and disrespected chairs to see over the crowd, and Gilchrist retreat­ and were happy to see our message on that stage, ed behind a curtain that swept across the stage as side by side with the Minutemen,” she said a week the mêlée faded. Security cleared the auditorium later. within 15 minutes. Almost immediately, about 10 audience mem­ Brett Ashley Longoria, BC’08 and a member of bers wearing white shirts jumped onstage to join the College Republicans, was watching from the her and Judd. They stood with their fists raised back of the room when the fighting broke out. “ I

12 T he B lue and W hite MINUTEMEN think the lack of courtesy that people displayed Those who rushed the stage called their own not only hurts their cause but makes them look ri­ meeting, attended by some of the missing Chicano diculous,” she said. Caucus members (including Garcia) to craft a state­ Minutemen supporters from outside Columbia ment under the name “ People on the Stage” — fear­ milled in the lobby before venturing out into the ing retribution, they didn’t append their names. rain. A man said he had headbutted one o f the Lopez and an outsider from the Party for Socialism “ Socialist Fascist Commies” whom he thought was and Liberation were cut and bleeding. People in trying to get at Gilchrist. “ I just grabbed her by the the room described the atmosphere as a mixture waist and threw her,” he said, shrugging. “They of triumph, anger, and an overwhelming sense really enforce security here,” quipped a woman that something momentous had occurred. With in sunglasses and a shirt that read “ No trespass­ so many video cameras in the room, they thought, ing” as public safety officers hurried her out of the how could people not see that Gilchrist’s violence building. towards immigrants at the border had been brought Inside an emptied Roone Arledge, administra­ to the world stage? “ I was amazed at the anger and tors from Public Safety, Facilities, Communica­ vehemence of those girls,” said one person in at­ tions, and Student Services met to hash out pre­ tendance. “They felt attacked.” liminary plans for a fact-finding investigation. Kulawik saw Gilchrist off and then met with the University Spokesman Robert Hornsby left af­ CUCR board to discuss media strategy. That night, terwards with Vice President of Communications Columbia College Democrats President Mike David Stone to prepare a statement for when the Nadler, C’07, called to express support and con­ networks and newspapers came calling. demn the storming o f the stage. At 9:00 the next At a late-night Chicano Caucus meeting, which morning, I caught Kulawik while he was doing his ltad been previously scheduled to finalize details homework, having just come from a second strat­ for an upcoming conference, members frantically egy session. “They literally staged a premeditated tried to obtain footage of Lopez getting kicked attack,” he said over the phone, before delivering that they had just seen on the Spanish-language a message that he would soon be repeating on Fox channel Uni vision. With one-third of the 12-per­ News: “I think we’re all in a little bit of shock of son board present, they drafted a carefully worded how large this fringe movement is at Columbia.” paragraph claiming responsibility for the protest outside while distancing themselves from the //V W y h e n I first heard about it, I knew we were storming o f the stage. “ I thought that the finger going to get a lot o f publicity about this, was going to be pointed at us,” Romero said three but it wasn’t really until I saw films that I realized weeks later. the magnitude,” said Provost Alan Brinkley on Oc­

N o v e m b e r 2006 13 MINUTEMEN

"When I first heard

about it, I knew we were < 3 ® ^ going to get a lot of

publicity about this, but

it wasn't really until I

saw films that I realized

the magnitude," said

Provost Alan Brinkley.

tober 20. “ Once you had film, it would be shown phone in the days afterwards, his voicemail box on television, then you’re in a different world of was invariably full. publicity.” Stewart told a sympathetic O’ R eilly that the The Bwog, the blog of The Blue and White, had crowd had called him “ the N-word,” and claimed posted CTV video of the event by 1:30 a.m. The that the Arabic writing on the yellow banner said same clip would air on MSNBC, CNN, four differ­ that the Holocaust did not happen. No one involved ent Fox News shows, and The D aily Show. It was with the protests had agreed to go on the show soon one of the most popular videos on YouTube. to contradict him. The following night O’Reilly The shaky footage veered from Gilchrist to a shot warned B&W Editor-in-Chief Avi Zenilman, C’07, of students in white shirts joining Dols and Judd, who appeared on the show to debate Kulawik, capturing the chaos o f the crowd while missing that the campus was held captive by a “ left-wing much o f violence on the stage. Univision’s shot of jihad.” Jon Stewart summed up the dominant sto­ Hahulsky kicking Lopez was not shown or made ryline when he congratulated “the pencil-neck available to an English-speaking audience until it caucus” for “making Sean Hannity seem like the was YouTubed on Sunday. reasonable one.” Right-wing blogger Michelle Malkin picked up The leadership of the Chicano Caucus felt lost the story at 12:45 a.m., and others followed. The and embattled. They had been linked to the storm­ next day, Stewart appeared on Fox News’s The ing of the stage both by Garcia, who used her title on O’Reilly Factor while Kulawik and Gilchrist went radio and T V broadcasts, and Kulawik, who named on Hannity and Colmes. “What we are facing with the group (along with the ISO) as an organizer of is not just one group,” said Gilchrist. “ It’s a tangle the action. Board members spent hours in meetings of different radical and anarchist groups...This is with administrators to clear their name. Romero ig­ the 21st century KKK, and we better get used to it. nored nearly all media requests. “ We were deeply They are domestic terrorists. Their goal is to dis­ hurt because we were portrayed in the wrong im­ rupt and deprive anyone o f the First Amendment age,” said Chicano Caucus member Rocio Beltran, except themselves.” C’09. “ We did our best to clarify without pointing to Kulawik made four appearances on Fox News any names, without singling anyone out.” and gave interviews to multiple newspapers. Horn­ The university remained largely silent. Other sby said that Kulawik had asked him prior to the than releasing two statements and granting an in­ Gilchrist event for advice on getting media to at­ terview to The New York Times, Bollinger declined tend. The training paid off— when I called his cell to comment, citing consideration for an ongoing

14 T he B lue and W hite MINUTEMEN

investigation. Neda Nevab, C’08 said the protest that as the leader of the Minutemen, he had indi­ dominated the conversation at a conference of rectly caused deaths by intimidating people cross­ Columbia alumni that she attended days after the ing the border into taking more dangerous routes. event. Confusion abounded, and many were con­ Following advice from the National Lawyers cerned that they hadn’t received enough informa­ Guild, MPDC took several steps other than the tion from the administration about what had really press conference to avoid punishment. They or­ happened. ganized teach-ins about the “They [the university] Minutemen, and started an should be feeling more pres­ "They legitimized Gil­ online petition, which soon sure,” said History grad stu­ gathered over 3,000 signa­ dent and former GSAS presi­ christ," Professor Rodolfo tures. They blanketed the dent Kira von Ostenfeld. de la Garza said. "They campus with flyers that spoke “We’re creating a reputation o f their protest and the im­ for ourselves to [be] automat­ could have done a won­ migrant struggle in terms of ically dismissed as, ‘ Okay, a new civil rights movement, that’s à leftist school.’ That’s derful thing. Instead, they invoking the words of Martin a moniker that sticks.” Luther King, Jr. allowed Gilchrist to win." Political Science Profes­ he People on the sor Rodolfo de la Garza, who Stage— newly incarnat­ studies Latino political move­ ed as the Minuteman Protesters Defense Commit­ ments and received the Life-time Achievement tee (M PDC)— held a press conference on Monday, Award o f the Committee on the Status of Latinos October 9 outside Lerner’s Broadway entrance, from the American Political Science Association the same place where the first protest had taken in 1993, disagreed with the parallel and criticized place the previous Wednesday. A yellow banner the protesters for attempting to avoid the conse­ with both slogans from the stage occupation and quences of their “self-serving” actions. “They six time-lapsed video stills of Martin Lopez getting played right into his hands,” he said. “They legiti­ kicked lined the gates. Lopez told the cameras he mized Gilchrist...they could have done a wonder­ had been kicked twice, first by a Minuteman and ful thing. Instead, they allowed Gilchrist to win.” then by Chris Kulawik— although he couldn’t be Thirty-nine professors and graduate students sure about the latter (Kulawik, citing unfair treat­ in the History Department, including Eric Foner ment on the Bwog, has refused to answer any of and Janaki Bakhle, signed a letter to President The Blue and White's questions since October 12). Bollinger asking that he condemn the “overt and He also demanded that Columbia take no action covert racism of the Minutemen” and not single against students who stormed the stage. out the protesters as the only threat to free speech. Dois and Garcia emphasized that they had not Assistant Professor of Anthropology Nicholas De started the violence, and attempted to reframe what Genova praised the protestors for “ turning abstract had become a dispute over free speech as a debate knowledge and theoretical concerns into elemen­ on the “racist, fascist, armed, vigilante” Minute- tary, but fundamental, practices of liberation.” men. When asked about the accusation, made by But the protesters’ strongest support came from Kulawik on Fox News, that the first banner had off campus: while few people not involved in the been a signal for students to storm the stage, Gar­ protest attended MPDC meetings, ISO members cia replied: “ It was not a signal for anyone to rush with no connection to Columbia gathered signa­ the stage.” tures in support of the protesters in Union Square. Two days later Garcia appeared opposite Gil­ World Can’t Wait!, an anti-war group, issued a christ on Democracy Now!, a left-leaning radio and strongly worded statement against punishment of television program, and called him a murderer. the protesters, and A N S W E R put a form letter to The only time Gilchrist has killed anyone was as a President Bollinger on its web site. soldier in Vietnam. On the advice of a lawyer, Gil­ Five students who stormed the stage received christ cut the interview short. Garcia later argued letters from Vice Provost Steve Rittenberg charg­

N ovember 2006 15 MINUTEMEN

ing them with infractions under the Rules of Uni­ construction of a 700-mile fence on the Mexican versity Conduct, a rarely used set of special guide­ border. If protestors have a hard time making their lines established in the early 1980s by trustees case at Columbia, they’re not alone. seeking to avoid a repeat o f 1968, when student Although the Southern Poverty Law Center protests took over several campus buildings. touts evidence suggesting an overlap between the If the protesters are found to have violated the membership of the Minuteman Project and white sections enumerated in the letters— the disciplin­ supremacist groups such as the National A lli­ ary process is still underway at print time— they ance, the Project fervently refuses official help could be suspended or expelled. President Bol­ from “ separatists, racists, or supremacy groups.” linger will serve as the final point of appeal. The While it’s easy to find quotes from members and defendants assert that a harsh punishment could leaders evincing hostility to Mexicans, Gilchrist’s have a “ chilling effect” on protest at Columbia. book Minutemen: The Battle to Secure America’s Borders, co-written with Jerome Corsi, repeatedly n an e-mail sent a week before the protests, Gar­ insists that the Project is “ multiethnic,” a “ cross Icia wrote, “they [the Minutemen] exist only to section of every day [sic] Americans.” (The book intimidate our communities, to spread fear, and also indulges in conspiracy theories that involve sow division.” Nonetheless, they enjoy significant the Catholic Church, Mexican takeovers o f the popular support: a recent Pew Hispanic Center sur­ Southwest, and secret government efforts to unify vey found that 33 percent o f Americans approve of Mexico, Canada, and the United States.) None of the Minutemen’s patrols. (At the time of the survey, the Minutemen has been charged with a crime. over 40 percent had not heard of them.) Gilchrist’s media operation is consistently im­ Democrats have tacked to the right on immigra­ proving. Corsi— who was slated to speak after Gil­ tion in recent months— the Columbia Democrats christ on October 4— also co-wrote Unfit for Com­ campaigned this year in Ohio for Senate candi­ mand, the Swift Boat attack book that helped sink date Sherrod Brown, who has criticized the Bush John Kerry in 2004. On October 19, Gilchrist ap­ administration for not being tough enough on il­ peared on The Colbert Report and talked about the legal immigration. And on October 26, President value of legal immigration. When Stephen Colbert Bush— who has spoken disapprovingly o f the suggested that America build an electric fence on Minutemen as “ vigilantes” -—signed off on the the border and make Mexicans wear electric collars,

16 T he Blue and W hite MINUTEMEN he was deftly shot down: “ Mr. Colbert, you would torum. (H e wasn’t always so outgoing— one high never make it with the Minuteman Project.” school classmate described him as reserved, “the awkward ideologue in the corner,” devotedly read­ ot everyone in the immigration debate is as ing Ayn Rand.) Kulawik won in a landslide. Ninterested in the national media. Ron Lewen- The new leadership searched for speakers who berg, the son o f Polish-Jewish immigrants, came to would focus on one o f three issues: immigration, Columbia in 1997. He helped Israel/Palestine, or the mid­ found Columbia College Con­ term elections. Forty invita­ servative Club (C4) as an al­ The defendants assert tions went out over the sum­ ternative to the Republicans mer, and they ended up with and sees immigration as a pro­ that a harsh punishment Gilchrist, ex-PLO terrorist- cess of conversion to a set of turned evangelical Israel traditions. “ We don’t say, Your could have a "chilling hawk Walid Shoebat, and God, my God. But we do say, Santorum, who cancelled My people, your people,” he effect" on protest after news of his invitation explained. was leaked to the Bwog. In response to the immi­ at Columbia. Big names cost big mon­ grants’ rights marches of May ey. The CUCR has previ­ 1, Lewenberg formed New ously relied on funds from York Immigration Control and the New York College Re­ Enforcement, which works to “make it economi­ publicans, academic departments, conservative cally impossible” for employers to use undocu­ think tanks and, sometimes, individual member mented labor. Over the summer, N Y ICE held two contributions— last year, a C4 member stepped in demonstrations outside the Mexican Consulate to with $10,000 to pay for Ashcroft. Kulawik’s ability protest the government’s encouragement of emi­ to tap both the university and the conservative es­ gration to the United States, which he called an tablishment for money has helped engender loyalty “ act o f war.” and admiration among conservatives and Republi­ After hearing about the Gilchrist invitation in cans. It’s making the Democrats, with four times the August, Lewenberg got on the guest list and cut a membership of CUCR, look like the real minority on check to help CUCR cover security. He said that campus. Their largest event last year, according to neither he nor anyone from his group partook in Nadler, was a protest of the Ashcroft speech. the violence, but recognized a few people from other anti-immigrant groups who did. Their re­ ampus groups are divided over how to under­ sponse was impolitic, he said, but not unjustified: Cstand the protest and its aftermath. For Chi- the Minutemen supporters were trying to protect cano students, it was about immigration and the Gilchrist and stepping in where Columbia security brutality of the Minutemen. “A lot of people not had failed. close to this topic don’t understand,” said Beltran, a Chicano Caucus member from Dallas. “ They he spring of 2006 marked a shift for the Co­ don’t know what the real situation is. You don’t T lumbia University College Republicans. have a personal experience in that.” It had nearly died during the Clinton years, its But for the administration, the media, and mem­ membership remained a fraction o f the size of the bers o f student government, the real issue is free Democrats, and its last five presidents were self­ speech. President Bollinger, First Amendment described moderates. Several board members had scholar, set the tone in his statement of October recently left and the club ran few major events. 6, which chastised the protesters for disregarding They held their executive board elections in a the “ sacrosanct and inviolable principle” of allow­ small classroom in Hamilton. Kulawik, the sandy- ing all views to be heard. The Student Governing haired president o f the C4, imbued the room with a Board, the University Senate Student Affairs Com­ sense of purpose and promised to bring the likes of mittee, and the Engineering Student Council all Ann Coulter and Pennsylvania Senator Rick San- issued similar statements.

N o v e m b e r 2006 17 MINUTEMEN

Bollinger neither condemned the views of the under development that administrators and student Minutemen nor their supporters’ actions— in con­ leaders often advance as a solution to controversies trast to the harsh language Bollinger used when such as the M EALAC incident of two years ago and Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad was more recent hate crimes. Leaders of cultural groups invited to speak in September. Some students of were not contacted. color took this as just another example o f a lack Garcia has since spoken at rallies and forums of administrative concern for them. “He cares from Union Square to Washington Heights. Re­ more about Fox News, Mayor flecting, she said she wished Bloomberg, popular opinion, she could have said all of than the voices of the people "W e have to work fucking what she came to say earlier. who have been marginalized two jobs, borrow, get used It all seemed like too much, at this school,” said Jennifer too fast. Her quiet frustration Oki, C’07, co-coordinator of shit, deal with school...Now grew as we sat talking. the United Students of Color on top of that, we have to “We have to work fucking Council. two jobs, borrow, get used Provost Brinkley said that deal with the national media," shit, deal with school...that’s while “anyone who knows ei­ Garcia said, by "we" meaning our burden,” she said, re­ ther of us [him and Bollinger] ferring to Chicano students. can’t imagine that we admire Chicano students. “ Now on top o f that, we have the message o f the Minute- to deal with the national me­ men,” Gilchrist never actu­ dia.” Both of Garcia’s parents ally had a chance to deliver it at Columbia. And, if emigrated from Mexico. “We didn’t even touch Bollinger expressed his opinions too often, “ it can anything,” she continued in disbelief. “We have itself become a stifling factor in the kind of speech to prove all the fucking lies that the Minutemen, we permit in a university.” fucking Chris [Kulawik] said.” “We don’t have a speech code as some univer­ There’s a sense of muted outrage as she de­ sities do,” Brinkley said. “ And people will be of­ scribes what went on that night, in contrast to fended, and I understand that, and that’s the price how it came out in the media. She got up on the we pay.” Lerner ramps and began acting out how Kulawik had kicked Martin Lopez (after hours o f reviewing n October 10, President Bollinger called a the Univision tape that she offered as ironclad evi­ Omeeting with the undergraduate governing dence I remain unconvinced of this accusation). boards and student councils to discuss the “ issues of The NYPD did not move forward with charges free speech within an academic environment.” One against the Minutemen supporters because there of the main matters discussed was the Community was no officer present. Gilchrist, Corsi, and Stew­ Principles Initiative, a social contract of sorts now art continue to speak at universities. Immigrants are still intimidated at the border and in Bergen- field, NJ, where local groups picket day laborer pickup sites. At Columbia, it’s a little harder for student groups to put on events— Chicano Caucus was forced to use over half its budget for security at a conference it ran two weeks after the protest, and after 115 RSVPed guests were turned away from the CUCR-sponsored speech by Walid Shoebat on October 11, guest lists must now be submitted 48 hours in advance. It’s shaken things up. I asked Garcia what she’ll do after she gradu­ ates. “ I might just start an anti-Minutemen project,” she replied. ♦>

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N ovember 2006 19 Lords of the Cubicle______Department Administrators and the university that needs them

By L e n o r a Babb

rofessors like to think they’re the “Joy?” says Professor Michael Seidel stars o f the university, but in ev­ when I ask him about Hayton. “ She’s Pery department there is someone the lifeblood. I go to her if something else: someone who counsels students, goes right, if something goes wrong ... organizes special functions, serves on I just figure she’s the source in this de­ committees, and handles confiden­ partment.” tial information like professors’ grant On Hayton’s wall hangs a certifi­ spending, salary, and tenure applica­ cate she earned at a leadership con­ tions. You might not know these people, ference in 1991, where she and other mundanely titled department admin­ DAs formed an informal group that met istrators, but without them Columbia regularly. Though academic disciplines could not function. have become more and more alienated To call Joy Hayton the matriarch o f a from one another, that group has stayed swollen, motley family of over-educated close. The three remaining members of adults only begins to describe her job. For 26 years, Hayton has served as the departmental administrator (DA) for English and Comparative Literature, watching the comings and goings o f pro­ fessors, students, and four university presidents. Things have changed a lot since she arrived. “It’s an astonishing thing if you think about it,” she said, “ and I try not to think about it.” Hayton arrived in 1980 as a “secre­ tary,” but her position has grown be­ yond that. She is the caring human be­ ing behind the scenes of an intimidating bureaucracy, helping students get their bearings. Her office on the sixth floor of Hamilton is strewn with photograph­ ic glimpses of her life— here she is, slightly younger, a bright green parrot perched on her shoulder; now smiling on a gray beach next to bulging brown lumps o f sea lions; and again, arm in arm with a blue-robed student on the steps of Low. Illustrated by Ben Weinryb Grohsgal

20 T he B lue and W hite COURSE CATALOGUE

the old guard still get lunch together to socialize with them, let’s just put it that way.” and let off steam. Visco is currently studying to be a yoga teach­ All current DAs also meet officially once a er and writing sex and restaurant reviews for the month. These include Bill Dellinger, the cheery N Y Press. Before she came to the university, she anchorman of the Department of Germanic Lan­ was an actress, claiming an appearance in Woody guages and self-described “jack of all trades.” A llen’s Stardust Memories. “I have a very fes­ Hundreds of tiny figurines, tive attitude,” says Visco, toys, and souvenirs cover his and looking at her photos on desktop, a whimsical army of In the Classics depart­ Facebook, when she friends kitsch commanded by a giant me, post-meeting, I come to ment on Halloween, I silver squirrel. The squirrel, see that the nurse outfit does a Mexican sombrero roped to find a tall blonde nurse- not deviate too much from her its shiny neck in a display of typical attire. Visco feels that rodent machismo, is the only cum-dominatrix in many people at Columbia are piece he bought himself; the white vinyl. It's Gerry “ kind of dweeby.” others are gifts from friends, “ I call them gender-neu­ ranging from a miniature Visco, the DA with tral,” she says o f the academ­ Punxatawney Phil to a mar­ ics she works with. “ The men three Columbia degrees. zipan elephant in a plastic are like women and the wom­ cube. en are like men.” Eccentricity is the rule It’s easy for DAs like Vis­ among Columbia’s DAs, and none seems to have co and Dellinger, in small departments, to make the staid background o f a career bureaucrat. Phys­ their jobs personal. It’s harder for people like ics administrator Lalla Grimes graduated magna Louise Peterson, administrator of the biology de­ cum laude with a degree in art history from Mount partment— one of the largest, most highly funded Holyoke, received a Fulbright to study Venetian departments in Arts & Sciences. Her office is Renaissance landscape painting in Italy, and bare of ornamentation, save one framed picture, ended up administrating the physics department and a beautiful view of the back of Low Library. in 1998, by way of Casa Italiana. Of her own role, Her biggest lament is people who don’t appreci­ Grimes says, “ Department administrators have ate deadlines, and she presides over a large team been called the synapses of the university.” o f department staff. Others came to Columbia as students and never Sometimes department politics get touchy. Jes­ left. Dellinger first came as a graduate student in sica Rechtschaffer, DA of the Middle East Lan­ ancient philosophy. Gerry Visco, of the Classics guages and Cultures (MEALAC) Department, department, has received degrees in Italian, writ­ eyes me suspiciously as I appear in the doorway ing, and journalism from Columbia. o f her office, until I assure that I want to talk Dropping by the Classics department office on about her and not about that. The conversation Halloween, I find a tall blonde nurse-cum-domi- turns to the skis she keeps in the corner o f her natrix in white vinyl. It’s Visco. As we sit down office, which she uses in Riverside Park, and she in her office, she launches into a flurry o f stream- heartily urges me to try it. Like many o f her col­ of-consciousness reflections on the department, leagues she began in a different field, in her case academia, and her side jobs. “This is basically a medieval studies. day job for me,” she explains, “ not the end of the The DAs are often overlooked or misunderstood, world, not my whole life.” Quick to distinguish but their daily struggles and triumphs shape ev­ herself from career bureaucrats and stuffy profes­ erything that happens in our academic world. At sors, Visco claims that she likes undergraduates the end o f my meeting with Grimes, Professor Aron best because they are happy. Professors, she tells Pinczuk burst breathlessly into the office: “ I ’m me, are a special group to work with, burnt out meeting with the committee and they have ques­ from clawing their way to tenure, immersed in eso­ tions only you can answer!” Grimes gently smiled teric research. “You have to get used to working and promised to be in momentarily. ♦♦♦

N o v e m b e r 2006 21 # | : $ je i t a l i a ; 4ÉB& DIGITALIA COLUMBIANA

/iese excerpts were culled fro m documents left on Columbia’s lab computers. We encourage our T readers to submit their own digitalia finds to us, via e-mail, at [email protected].

Back to Jews! Even something as delicious as fluid neck joints Quick hide! It is the Grinch and our dad’s boss, Mr. couldn’t release her from the previous week’s Ebenezer Scrooge! events. Scrooge and Grinch scene — NO MAKE OUT r ir YET!!! Kids come out . . . of hiding! And tell Grinch and Some I know about already (like the cute blonde Scrooge to come . .. with them! waiting in Vancouver) some I don’t (like tweekers, Starts to feel like Wizard of Oz a little, but NOT car chases, Vets with Post Traumatic Stress Disor­ TOO MUCH! der, pot farmers, wanderers, bears, guns and most- immediate, a drunken Sioux hitchhiker named— I ftr shit you not— Wannape-kunnuga Wonk-hodo-pun- Does Pandion know Tereus well enough to entrust nuga rambling around Minnesota somewhere just Philomela in his hands? Being a male, he should be east of the Mississippi River). aware of the erotic voracities of his gender.

I massage the layers of skin that hang off his face, Indeed, it is through his New Jersey style that he making him look like a pug. He hasn’t been shaven grasps the immediate and physical power of lan­ for the last week. I can tail as my fingers scratch guage, thereby artfully expressing something essen­ against the flecks of whit hard that blanket his baby tial about human relationships, grief, and pain. skin. I can’t tell the last time he took a bath.

fb*

Art is existent and one does not know if the “ Mas­ Once the Iraqi puppet government anchored itself terpieces” o f today may not make a blimp on the with support of its peers, it attempted to sever the screen of important art works tomorrow. invisible hand o f their master and hoped to observe it fall by gravity. However, the master lit a match rtf’ above the puppet’s head with its fingers. Edna was a bright, tenacious child, who was wise ft* beyond her years and seemed an old soul. But these traits went mostly unnoticed by her peers, who fo­ He used to be rotund. I could place a cup of hot chai cused, instead, on the fact that she dressed rather and its matching saucer on his stomach. strangely, and sometimes smelled a little bad, like fbe> stale cigarettes and unclean clothes. Jesus and Santa have awkward talk, Jesus tries to cheer Santa up but it turns into a war of commercial­ Santa arrives! With Elf! Awkard silence. E lf walks ism. Santa gets even more down in the dumpies. past Santa and waves enthusiastically to everybody. fbr Santa goes to bar. Everyone follows him with their heads and eyes and hips and dicks. Santa’s like This express bridge seems to ignore the immense whoa people, chill out. Jack gives a signal “ not yet, period of time in between in which lies the potential give him a sec” universal substance.

22 T he B lue and W hite She had given her cat to a former lover. A ll of her Motion to approve E. Cooper’s request to build a sneakers had flattened backs. She had lost track *succah *(a hut for Jewish religious purposes) in of her weight. And she couldn’t remember the last the south parking lot, to have L. Robertson check time she had gone to the movies. Her stiff neck also electrical connections for safety purposes, and to served as a scapegoat when Sarah wouldn’t do. have E. Cooper send an email to the general mem­ bership reminding them that nothing may be written rfr> on the external walls of the *succah*. Boney M.’s *Rasputin* song is a classic disco song that was a very popular in the late 1970s. It is possible to discuss *Rasputin* in the context of 6) Tree — You wanna know why I fucking hate Charles Keil’s theory of participatory discrepancies, Christmas? Everybody’s always grabbing me and but it is not necessarily easy to do so in a rigor­ being like “ oh is it real?” How the fuck do you think ous manner. However, it is undeniable that there that makes me feel? is something that makes the song very contagious, rtr and one reason might be because the music is “ full of discrepancies, both ‘out of time’ and ‘out of tune’” The transvestite with his dog does not desire our Whenever the song reaches the end, I am more than pity. ready to say, in my own accent and voice, “ oh those Russians.” Growing up merely thirty miles away in a small sub­ Ay- urban town of New Jersey, I longed “ to be a part of Even if killing someone is legally acceptable, it it — New York, New York.” may not always be wise. The use of violence suf­ fers political costs that must always be considered. Just because one has a hammer does not mean every However, looking through the lens of the television problem should be treated like a nail. show 24, one realizes that torture can be effective.

«’b®

1) Mrs. Claus — Come on big guy, you make kids E lf says something retarded, tries to leave trium­ so happy once a year. Once. A year. Which isn’t phantly, comes back in covered in snow and even enough. And I know that. Because we only have more triumphant and is like “ It’s snowing!!!!” sex once a year I can’t do this. *E LF motif: “ IT ’S A CH RISTM AS M IRACLE!”

rb®

She is reminiscent of a place with a whiff of organic Jew Dad wants to be Jesus’s new rep since he’s going scent, places like a prairie, a forest to have an open slot soon (not like a vagina slot) Jew Dad’s possible name: Bob Crachitstein In writing this essay, “ The Sweatshop Sublime” by Ari Gold Bruce Robbins would be my first seed text choice. Ari Gelt This text is lush with descriptions of valid issues rb® that, although I cannot connect on a personal level, I feel as though obligated to address these issues; Augustine takes this really authoritarian view when and, through my writing, give the world a new and he writes. valid perspective on the sweat shops. In addition, I agreed with many of the points made by Bruce. An indistinguishable smell looms; is it the aura of melon, caramel maybe, or perhaps just the smell of Santa’s all like wow. You guys blow at this. I quit. tobacco? JF: Blow? Like a snowstorm? No, Jack. We already got one. rb® (breathy) Oh. I disagree with his conclusions.

N ovember 2006 23 SLUSH PILE

Soap Dispensable

When T h e B l u e a n d W h it e discovered that C TV was launching a new soap opera, The Gates, we rued the limitations o f our medium. We too want sex! Emo! Technicolor! But we can merely imagine how the script of a Columbia’d-out The OC would look.

s c e n e l GAVIN GAVIN FISTOL, innocent square-jawed quar­ Jeez-louise, Kelly, haven't you heard terback, is sitting on the bed of leggy that consent is sexy? Stressbuster KELLY LANYOVICH. KELLY GAVIN But is it (raises eyebrow) sexiest? Now It sure is nice of you to offer a shoul­ shut up and kiss me! der massage. GAVIN KELLY No!...I don't want to. And you have a (smoldering) You've got a very important boyfriend! shoulder. (touching his shoulders) Ooh, so much tension. KELLY Carlos? I don't want Carlos, I want Gavin GAVIN Fistol. I know. I shouldn't worry about my class­ es so much. GAVIN Carlos has been really nice to me. Even KELLY though I'm competing for his job, he even Let me help you unwind. sent me to you, his Stressbuster girl­ friend, 'cause I was having a hard time. KELLY tears GAVIN's shirt off. KELLY GAVIN (insistent) His mistake! Um. GAVIN: KELLY I may be from Scarsdale, America, but I Yeah? think this is a setup! He told you to se­

24 T he B lue and W hite SLUSH PILE

duce me, just so I'd be too distracted to DEX walks to window, contemplates sky­ perform on the football field! line, turns his head back toward her over his shoulder. KELLY: (frantic) What? No! Wh-what? (her face DEX twitches and her eyes turn red) Negative! (smoldering) Sure. Listen, pumpkin— System overload! Cannot compute! ELIZABETH KELLY's head explodes in a burst of steel Don't fuck with me, Davian-Weinstein. and sparks. DEX GAVIN Fine, have it your way, Pu. Robot?! A robot! (turning away, raising fist) She must have refused to seduce me, DEX walks to bookshelf, contemplates so Carlos turned her into a robot to make books, turns his head back toward her her do it! over his shoulder.

KELLY DEX (robot voice coming out of a speaker in You think I'm putting up unapproved post­ neck) But I...always...wanted to...human- ers and you want to splatter my guts love you. But I am just a...robot. across your front page.

GAVIN ELIZABETH Damn you, Carlos! (smoldering, turns to Then where are they coming from, Dex? Are leave) I gotta go to class. students so impressed with your chicanery that they made them on their own? SCENE 2 DEX walks to wall, contemplates wall, ELIZABETH PU, leggy gumshoe Spec re­ turns his head back toward her over his porter, is snooping through the dorm-room shoulder. desk of square-jawed DEX DAVIAN-WEIN- STEIN, unscrupulous candidate for sopho­ DEX more class president. Chicanery, you say? I don't know who ran Suddenly DEX enters. over the subway party with that bus. I was on my yacht, and you of all people can DEX (.raises eyebrow) verify my alibi. And per­ Hwa! What is the meaning of this?! haps my future constituents already like me enough to poster for me. You certainly ELIZABETH thought I was...what was your word? (rais­ Hello, Dexter. Just looking for es other eyebrow) "impressive." that pen you borrowed after our last (raises eyebrow) interview. ELIZABETH slaps DEX, spinning his head 360 degrees. Metallic sparks fly from his neck.

DEX Please let yourself out of my suite. And here's a headline for your paper: The sophomore class are belong to us!

ELIZABETH You mean a quote?

DEX No. And put it in that I raised my fist when I said it. Goodbye, Pu. Goodbye all of you.

ELIZABETH Damn you, robots! (smoldering, turns to leave) I gotta go to class.

Illustrations try Carly Hoogendyk — Addison Anderson

N ovember 2006 25 THE CONVERSATION

SPANKING THE OLD GRAY LADY

Daniel Okrent has been a top editor at Esquire, Life, and Time, but he’s best known fo r his 18-month stint from 2003 to 2005 as the first Public Editor of The New York Times. His articles from that job have recently

been compiled into a book, Public Editor Number One. B l u e a n d W h it e staffer Brendan Ballou talked with Mr. Okrent about getting rejected from Columbia Journalism School, fighting Times Executive Editor Bill Keller, and how to be happy.

B&W: So how were B&W: Were you al­ you picked as the ways going to be a first Public Editor journalist? of the Times if you had no newspaper DO: When I was a experience? kid I knew I wanted to be a journalist. DO: I say I was I applied to three the unwanted love schools. To Michigan child of [former because my brother Executive Editor] and sister had gone Howell Raines there and my father and [disgraced had gone there and reporter] Jayson it was the obvious Blair. They were place for everyone in compelled to cre­ my high school to go ate this position there. And I applied as a result of the to Northwestern be­ Blair scandal, cause of the Medill and there was a school and its reputa­ dispute internally tion. And I applied to about whether it Columbia Journalism should be a Times School. I was such person or an out­ a naive Midwestern sider. The outside kid I didn’t know you faction won and needed an under­ the question be­ graduate degree to go came whether the person should have newspaper to the journalism school. background or not. And the feeling, as I found out after the fact, was that they would have preferred B&W: When you started at the Times, was it a whole someone with a newspaper background, but they world against you? found me. DO: There were moments in the beginning when it

26 T he B lue and W hite THE CONVERSATION

felt like that. But I think that was more paranoia and including in your report those things that are on my part. What happened was that in time they relevant to a reader’s understanding of both sides, realized that no matter what I wrote on Sunday it which is different from saying, “ One side says the was still their paper. [Executive Editor Bill] Keller moon is a [satellite], and the other side says it’s would go to people I wrote about and say, “ That’s made o f green cheese,” and making them equal. just Okrent, he’s not speaking for me, I still love There are ways of indicating what the other party you, and the way you do your work.” believes without endorsing it or giving it equal weight. I think this is clearest in the coverage of B&W: Was it a good cop, bad cop relationship? evolution and intelligent design. It’s not that “ while some people believe that the earth was formed bil­ DO: No, no, because there was no coordination be­ lions o f years ago by the fusion o f elements and little tween us except on one or two very rare and odd in­ beings climbing out o f the primordial soup, the oth­ stances. What mattered, he said to his people, was, er side believes the world was created in seven days “ It’s not what Okrent says that matters, it’s what I as the Bible explains it.” To me evolution’s true and think about you. Now what Okrent says, I may agree you present it as fact. There are people who resist with at times, but the fact that he’s saying it means that fact, they call it intelligent design. nothing.” And I think that’s the case for example of whether or not to use the term genocide in the case of the Ar­ B&W: You’ve said the Times is an unhappy place. menian Turks in the 1910s. There is a historical re­ cord that established that to my satisfaction, and to DO: Yes, by its nature I think it’s unhappy. You the satisfaction of The New York Times, that it was a know, you start in the newspaper business in some genocide. There are Turks who say it was not. That’s small-town newspaper in Amarillo, Texas. And if balance. That’s fair. But there was a genocide. you’re really good, if you’re the star at Amarillo, you get noticed, you get hired at the Dallas Morn­ B&W: Do you think this kind o f equality was made ing News. If you’re a star there you get hired by the possible by the Iraq War? L.A. Times or the Chicago Tribune, and if you’re a star there they notice you and you get hired to come DO: The reaction to the Iraq War was probably to The New York Times. And you crawl your way to something of an accelerant but this is something the top and you get this thing you’ve been dreaming that’s been going on for quite a few years, a slow about your entire career and you get to the top and moving towards a sense of self confidence where you there are 1,200 people just like you and you’re not know you can call a spade a spade. We have to give special any longer. There are people devoted to the the diamonds, clubs and hearts their day, but call a Times and there are people devoted to their careers spade a spade. That’s just evolutionary. and the ones who are devoted to their careers I think are largely unhappy. B&W: What about an issue where balance is really difficult— like Israel? B&W: Who’s devoted to the Times? DO: It’s a constant struggle. People were writing DO: It’s a different personality type that says, “ I’m in saying, “ Why are you running more pictures of here for the institution. I’m not here for me.” And weeping Lebanese [than Israelis]?” The editors it then they can be unhappy if things go bad for the turns out had done a very careful calculation that Times. And a lot of things have gone badly for the nine times as many Lebanese were killed as Israe­ Times in the last several years. lis, so they ran nine times as many pictures [of Leb­ anese]. And [Okrent’s successor Byron “ Barney” B&W: I’m wondering about objectivity— how can a Calame] said it’s not the role o f the newspaper to reporter be objective without being a stenographer? make moral decisions about what is morally higher than another, and I agree with him on that. It’s not a DO: I think objectivity is a false god. Fairness is the question of morality; it’s a question of fairness. goal. I think fairness is about weighing both sides

N ovember 2006 27 THE CONVERSATION

B&W: Then did you feel your job was futile? cause I know that that person doesn’t play the way I like them to play. Or I see a byline and I say, “ Uh- DO: Well, on certain things. One thing I say is that if oh— she’s an asshole, I hated to deal with her.” I you ever have the opportunity to be public editor of see things that are dismaying to me. I like to think the Times, don’t do it during an election campaign. as a reader. I do get people to ac­ knowledge that if it’s an is­ B&W: You were very assertive sue that you care a great against Paul Krugman. Do you deal about, that which you You get this thing you've ever talk to the guy? read in the newspaper which confirms your viewpoint is been dreaming about DO: No. Though I have to say if fact, and that which chal­ your entire career [a job I saw Paul Krugman tomorrow lenges your viewpoint is we would probably be more cor­ bias. If you see a picture of at the Times] and there dial than I would be with many a smiling John Kerry on the of Krugman’s supporters who Times, you don’t even notice are 1,200 people just like see me as the devil incarnate. it if you’re a Kerry support­ you and you're not spe­ er, because that’s the world B&W: So what’s the Times do­ as you see it. And the next cial any longer. ing wrong about anonymous day if there’s a picture of a sources? smiling George Bush on the cover you say, “ Bias, bias, DO: What they were doing, the bias, you’re pushing the Bush campaign.” And you old policy— explaining why the person asked for say to that person, “ Well, what about the picture of anonymity— did lead to some very bad paragraphs. Kerry yesterday?” and they say, “ What picture of “ He asked for anonymity because he didn’t want Kerry yesterday?” You don’t notice that which con­ his name in the paper.” It became kind o f a lifeless firms your beliefs. trope. So they got rid o f that. There’s another guy at the Times who wished it was not why the person B&W: Do you still read the Times as a form of active asked for anonymity, but why the person was granted combat? Do you still read it like a public editor? anonymity. So put the burden on the paper itself. If that’s the case you’ll get a much greater sense of how DO: To a degree I can’t help it. There are a couple this works. “ Was for anonymity because he worked of things that make that the case. One, I now know the Democratic caucus and we needed a quote to how it works and I know who everybody is. And I balance the Republican caucus.” Then you’re re­ see a byline in an article and I say, “ Uh-oh,” be­ vealing something about motivation, and you’re also revealing how you’re doing your newsgathering, and maybe if you do that too often you’ll stop doing that because it’s kind of embarrassing. You know, we needed to get the Republican comment because the Democrats were on the record and the Republicans wouldn’t go on the record and it would be unfair not to have a Republican. No, it isn’t unfair - if they didn’t want to go on the record, fuck at that point. That’s the policy I wish we had. You see less anony­ mous quotations in the soft features section of the paper.

B&W: There are anonymous quotes in the soft fea­ tures?

28 T he Blue and W hite THE CONVERSATION

DO: I wrote one of my works for the Globe, who columns about them. says that if he criticizes The story was about what somebody he has the ob­ are the various demands ligation to show up in the the star performers make locker room the next day about what they want in and take whatever shit their dressing room. You they throw at him. And know, one person who I came around to being worked backstage said able to do that, but it that there should be pink took me a while. rose petals on the floor of her bathroom. Well, who B&W: Do you ever miss said this? They can’t say. your job at the Times?

It was ridiculous— the Illustrations by Julia Bulareva world would not have DO: There are moments stopped in its orbit if we did not know this about when I miss it. There are a few things I miss, pri­ Barbra Streisand. I mean, we still don’t know it. marily when there is something that’s so juicy, like the Duke Lacrosse team or [Times court reporter) B&W: What do you regret? Linda Greenhouse this week. The other thing I miss about it is to be as frank as possible, I miss DO: Oh, I paid too much attention to my critics. I the audience. There’s nothing like having a regular was a little obsessed about what people were say­ column. As Paul Krugman knows, to have a regu­ ing about me. I’m not certain about this but there lar column in the Times is to have a following. I’m was a certain amount of triangulation and sail-trim­ not suggesting my following is nearly as loving, as ming, you know, “ the left’s mad at me and the right’s devoted as Krugman’s. I mean, he’s a rock star. I’ve happy, so maybe I should do something for the left.” written cover stories in major American magazines. Or “ Israelis like me too much, so now I have to do Nothing compares to a regular, repeating slot in The something to show that I’ m fair to the Palestinians New York Times. And so I miss that. And then third as well.” I was so determined to try to make every­ there are many people there that I miss, and I miss body happy. the engagement on many issues, and I miss— this will really sound awful— I miss being able to help B&W: Don’t you think you got that? people who have solid complaints. By this I mean as much people on staff as people off-staff. DO: Not to the Krugman-ites. B&W: You invented rôtisserie baseball. Do you still B&W: Did you ever lose sleep over your columns? play?

DO: Oh yeah, a lot, a lot. DO: Yeah, I play a reduced version called AARP. We have very little trading, you pick a team early in B&W: This is a form of performance. Were you tied the season and then watch it. I’ve still never won. up in knots the day before your column ran? B&W: W ill that be your lasting legacy? DO: No, with a couple of exceptions, a couple of highly sensitive exceptions where I was being ex­ DO: Well at the Times that’s been my joke— my wife tremely critical of people I admired or people who says I took the job so that my obituary won’t just had been very, very helpful to me. Early on, if I say, “ Okrent dies, invented rôtisserie baseball.” It wrote something critical I would be fearful— no, not will now say, “ Okrent dies, first public editor of the fearful— I would be hesitant to go into the news­ Times, also invented rôtisserie baseball.” room Monday. I got over that. I used to be a baseball writer, and as a baseball writer I know a guy who — Brendan Ballou

N ovember 2006 29 VERILY VERITAS

TOLD BETWEEN PUFFS

erily cannot believe the mid- place, it sublimates, it glorifies. All V autumnal edition of his that is profane? Sacred. A ll that monthly self-immolation is theory? Practice. A ll that is will commence with... youthful? Legally permit­ the weather. Discussion ted (in this state). And all of the clime possesses ugly coats, as it has been a trite convenience that achingly noted? Yes, dear makes it impossible to reader, /'oucoats. ^ broach, an impossibil­ Verily glanced at the pass- ity that is then alchemized ersby left and right, desperately back into convenience. trying to invest them with the To begin a philosophical capacity and desire to look back rumination with a discus­ with some hint o f elegant desire. sion of the weather— rather, This city, after all, is the naked to begin a philosophical ru­ one. Overwhelmed by the beauty mination with a discussion of his effort’s futility, Verily dis­ of the banality o f beginning a mounted his ‘pede, and shivered philosophical rumination with the sweet chill o f abandonment that a discussion of the weather— is only a woman-hand could abate. just so opportunistic, so aspiring, so Splashl Verily grimaced with the cold Antwerp. What Verily means to say is: have you no­ shock of an ingathered bog. He had stepped in a ticed how much it’s been raining? puddle. There is no use repeating the potential benefits The poetic muse long ago deserted Verily, the of the recurrent torrent to farmers or firemen or victim of an overdose in youthful experimentation. impure sophomores from the School o f Mines. Nor (It was the ’20s, and we thought anything— flap­ is there any point to addressing the root cause of ping, Soviet Communism, enjambment— was possi­ God’s unseasonable seasoning: Verily saw A1 Gore’s ble.) So he asks you, when you shall these unlucky talking picture, too— going was perhaps the sixth deeds relate, to imagine flopping, without mind, or seventh most inconvenient thing Verily has ever into a pool of dirty rainwater about two inches deep done for the calloused nest of woman-hand. The while wearing your finely knit gray wool hound- High Modernist, it appeared, had seen fit to anoint stooth socks. The weaved touch of fabric gives way October as the crudest month. to the numb fear o f a sailor’s sickness, of an ampu­ But not all thirty-one days o f it. Recently, seeing tation before voyage ends. that it was a soft October afternoon, Verily decided Yet all was not lost— we have discussed the Co­ to steer his trusty velocipede about this campus he lumbian ability to change the bad to the good— has called home these past 115 years— with apolo­ and Verily, veritably limping home, procured no gies to Riga, which, with its gorgeous Baltic setting less than three phone numbers from sympathetic and cheap Baltic libations, nonetheless has all too nymphs he met along the way (well— only two were much snow and syphilis to put Verily at ease. women). Longing for a good pet, they must have One would suppose that the ladies o f the eyed him as a lost pup who need only a good shake Heights, however once lithe and virile, would be to be rid of his excess moisture. Or else they took somehow marred, corrupted by the basic cynicism pity. Regardless, rotary in hand, Verily is bringing engendered by jargon, problematics, metatexts, sexy back (okay, only one was a woman). ‘Twill be commodification, organic chemistry; but no. In­ rain tonight? Let it come down. stead, when a certain deconstruction does take — Verily Veritas

30 T he B lue and W hite O N T H E STEREO

If A Tree Falls On College Radio, Does Anyone Hear It?

By Sasha de Vogel

’m sitting in the W B A R studio on the lower lev­ CMJ compiles all the new music played at almost el of Macintosh Hall. I’m playing the best, most 900 college radio stations and publishes the dozen Icutting-edge music I can find. For two hours resulting charts in the weekly C M ] New Music Re­ every week, I am not Sasha de Vogel, but Sasha D, port. They run reviews of albums before they drop half of a DJ duo holding listeners prisoner to their and profile artists before they’ve even been signed. radios— or computer speakers, more likely, since They’ve probably interviewed the band you’re go­ the W B A R signal can’t be picked up outside of the ing to fall in love with in six months in their other Barnard quad. magazine, the more consumer-oriented CMJ New But even if no one’s listening, someone still cares Music Monthly. That band has probably already what I play: CMJ Network Inc., the unofficial gov­ played at their Marathon, twice. erning body of college radio. Other than the CMJ The New Music Report is a trade magazine; it’s Music Marathon that takes over New York City unlikely that even the hippest hipster is going to clubs for a few days every fall (this year, October browse through a copy of it, although the charts 31 through November 4) most people, even W B A R are printed every two weeks in the back of Rolling DJs, don’t know what CMJ does, or even that it Stone. The people who do read it— scouts, journal­ stands for College Music Journal. ists, college radio music directors, and especially

N ovember 2006 31 ON THE STEREO

promoters— are the people who matter for new knows that it’s vital. bands. You could argue CMJ’s power has taken the fo­ A band or label employs a promoter to push its cus away from the music. Sam Skarstad, Skidmore albums to radio stations and handle press. Pro­ ’08, a music director at Skidmore College’s WSPN motion comes at a steep price— around $1,000 a upstate, admits, “ There’s a lot of schmoozing with month on the cheaper end— and bands that can’t promoters and it can obstruct a reading on the mu­ afford it don’t have anyone sic.” Carey acknowledges the sending free CDs and records benefits of the system, even as to stations, and thus aren’t A WBAR director he bemoans it: “ I’m glad CMJ getting airplay before their exists because it means pro­ albums are released. admits that he knows moters have to pay attention W B A R doesn’t have the to college stations, but it’s pretty much nothing money to buy 50 or even 10 not the location for unsigned new records a week, and nei­ about CMJ or w ho reads bands to be heard.” ther does almost every other Baio, who plays bass in two college radio station in the its publications. H e just bands, The Midnight Hours country. Instead, they rely on knows that it's vital. and Vampire Weekend, knows freebies bestowed by the pro­ all about this disadvantage. moters. In short, the stations “ No matter how talented you need the promoters to be able are, there’s a threshold of how to play music and the promoters needs the stations much you’re willing to pay,” he sighs. To Carey, to play their music. It seems like a happy symbio­ CMJ forces independent music to sell out. “ CMJ is sis, but it depends totally on a third party— CMJ. about everything else but college radio,” he said.

hris Baio, C’07, and Chas Carey, C’08, are the is words would cut Robert Haber to the core. college rock directors at WBAR. They sort HHaber founded CMJ in 1978 when he worked through up to 100 albums per week, deal with nag­ at Brandeis University’s WBRS. He saw that the ging promoters who want their artists to move up in station had, in his words, “ limited resources and the charts, and process the new acquisitions. When limited power, but an enormous community im­ I asked Baio how he chooses what to add, he told pact.” CMJ would form an alliance among inde­ me it’s often a “superficial choice” based on cover pendent radio stations to counter the power of cor­ art, press releases, a few minutes o f listening, and porate providers. Then, as now, CMJ was meant to a feeling o f what the DJs will want to play. As for make college radio matter in an industry that tends unsigned or unpromoted bands? “There is a glim­ not to care about it. He still believes, he told me, mer of hope, but it’s unlikely,” he said. that it exists to advocate for college radio, to make In the short time I talked with Baio and Carey, the most o f “ the greatest opportunity to use public one of them was almost always on the phone with airwaves.” a promoter, answering questions such as what kind Haber sounds offended when he hears the criti­ of play Citizen Cope and Pete Yorn were getting cism that CMJ serves major labels by offering up (low and moderate, respectively). The promoters a picked-over platter o f the most marketable indie aren’t just curious— they mail copious amounts of music. CMJ is “simply an information provider,” free music to improve their clients’ positions on the he said, designed to show what people want to CMJ charts. hear. The relationship between free CDs and the life of I point out that the charts don’t represent what a college station is so rigid that when the summer college kids as a whole are listening to so much as managers o f W B A R forgot to renew the $400 sub­ what a handful o f DJs want to hear. To Haber, scription to CMJ, they had to lie to every promoter though, the people who DJ college radio shows are they talked to so the station wouldn’t fall apart. the people who love music the most, so the charts Baio admits that he knows pretty much nothing actually tabulate what the 50,000 “ tastemakers” — about CMJ or who reads its publications. He just Haber’s estimation of the number of college DJs—

32 T he B lue and W hite ON THE STEREO

are interested in playing. York. This year it features around 1,400 bands Whether or not the motley crew of W B A R DJs (about 20% o f those that applied) playing in 60 can be considered influential, the community of venues, more than 100 panels on current issues college DJs does function kind of like a giant test in music, a film festival, “College Day” devoted market for new music. Carey cited a phone call to issues in college radio, and endless industry he received from a high networking parties. Ostensi­ school junior who was sur­ bly, it’s a festival for college prised and thrilled to hear radio and those involved a certain song on the radio. with it, but anyone can go to “ This is where things catch the shows or buy a “ badge,” on,” Skidmore’s Skarstad which gets you into as many says o f the college new mu­ as you want (the student rate sic scene. is $295 and the general rate is $495). Haber describes it karstad would know, as five days of “ good vibes.” because he’s currently The Marathon’s success experiencing the process stories are impressive. In firsthand. He and his friend 2003, an unsigned band from Jamie Ayers formed the Las Vegas was discovered and band Snakes Say Hisss! signed on the spot by Island about a year ago and start­ Def Jam; The Killers went on ed honing their brand of to huge mainstream success. stripped-down electronic In 2004, The Arcade Fire was pop. They played shows “ an overnight sensation,” ac­ on campus and built up a cording to Kory Grow, associ- pretty good fanbase, with niastm uan, by Jenny Lam ate ecRtor 0f the ] y e w Music help from WSPN. Report. The biggest success of 2005 is considered to Because Skarstad is a music director, he con­ be Clap Your Hands Say Yeah, who were unsigned stantly works with promoters, one o f whom— Ter- at the time of their show and, despite pressure to rorbird, which deals predominately with college work with a label, are still unsigned in the United stations and whose roster includes English hip-hop States. Both Grow and Haber glowingly and inde­ queen Lady Sovereign and Brooklyn’s experimen­ pendently mentioned all three bands to me as proof tal, melodic Grizzly Bear— asked to hear his band. that CMJ has something very serious to offer even Skarstad sent over the album they’d recorded un­ the smallest acts. der their record label, Famous Class, which they On Saturday, November 4, the final day o f the had formed with two other bands and the support Marathon, Snakes Say Hisss! played the Terrorbird of an art commune in California. Terrorbird loved Showcase in the tiny basement of Fontana’s. They it. Snakes Say Hisss! and friends burned and silk- went on at approximately 12:20: prime brunching screened about 400 CDs. With Terrorbird’s help, hour. About 45 people showed up, mostly drink­ they debuted at number 105 on the CMJ charts in ing coffee instead of the free Bloody Marys. Despite September, and rose to 77 the next week. nerves and the early hour, Skarstad and Ayers put The whole process “really gave me faith in col­ on a really good show. They were both relieved and lege radio,” Skarstad said. “ It’s fun to see our name excited when it was over. among the heavy hitters. We’re doing battle with Haber estimates that the number o f bands who John Mayer and the Mars Volta.” He adds that be­ make it thanks to the charts or the Marathon could ing on the charts is “ something we can show our be as low as “ two or three percent,” though it has parents.” Plus, they get to play the Marathon this increased in recent years. Snakes Say Hisss! is year. probably not going to be the break-out band of this The CMJ Music Marathon is an orgiastic five- year’s Marathon. But, as Grow said, “ you can’t pre­ day music extravaganza held every fall in New dict something like that.” *

N ovember 2006 33 VIDEO GAMES

Grand Theft Bicycle

B ully the cafeteria lady, is the stuff of nightmares. The Rockstar Games students? Nerds, jocks, preps, greasers, and bul­ Playstation 2 lies embroiled in a no-holds-barred teenage total $39.99 war. As Jimmy, a freckle-faced redhead with a mean stare, your job is to navigate the cliques and stir up ockstar Games’ Grand Theft Auto III is the Star much trouble along the way. RWars (Episode IV) of video games. GTA has Although the world of Bullworth is divided into spawned numerous sequels and brazen imitators four or five factions, the characters aren’t recycled like Saints Row and the forthcoming Crackdown, archetypes (the bread and butter of GTA)— Rock­ creating a new genre o f “ sandbox” games— a name star took the time to make each of the 70 or so stu­ that reflects their strengths and limitations. dents unique, or at least, unique within the game’s The sandboxes contain vast, wide-open land­ universe. Among the nerds, there’s Earnest, the scapes with few constraints, where the kid (or mass clean-cut dork with delusions of grandeur; Fatty, murderer) in you can get lost for hours; they are also the Dungeons and Dragons nut with a cape on his plagued by choppy graphics and sloppy gameplay. back and tinfoil on his head; and Algernon, the But the style and sophistication o f Bully, Rock- obese bed-wetter who writes to his mother every star’s latest, proves day. There are that it’s possible to jocks like Ted, think, yes, outside the pretty-boy the sandbox. quarterback who 15-year-old Jim­ hides behind his my Hopkins has linemen; Damon, been expelled from a gigantic, fight- several schools, picking monster his mother just with his arm in got married for the a cast; and Ivqji, fifth time, and he the foreign ex­ has recently been change bruiser. dumped off at the You’ll get to know worst prep school them, and, as the in America: Bull- game progresses, worth Academy. Dr. they’ll get to know Crabblesnitch, the you. headmaster, rants The game’s and raves about technical frame­ morality but can’t work (controls, in­ enforce any sem­ terface, menus) is blance of order. Mr. straight GTA, but Hattrick, an admin­ every action has istrator, sells test an appropriate answers to the rich Illustrated, by Shaina Rubin teenage analog. kids; Mr. Galloway, Knocking kids off the English teacher, can’t stay away from the bottle; their bikes has replaced jacking Ferraris at gun­ Mr. Burton, the gym coach, enlists students to col­ point, firecrackers in toilets have replaced Molotov lect “ dirty laundry” from the girls’ dorm; and Edna, cocktails, and making out has replaced soliciting

34 T he B lue and W hite VIDEO GAMES

prostitutes— unlike in GTA, both girls and boys are things considered, it’s more Rebel Without A Cause receptive to your advances. than Requiem for a Dream. The PG-13 approach Rockstar didn’t advertise this last feature and works. Bringing crack pipes, handguns, and AIDS it isn’t immediately apparent to the player. Its into a boarding school fantasy would have killed discovery echoes the “ Hot Coffee” scandal, a sex the mischief-making that makes Bully so much mini-game in GTA: San Andreas that was inacces­ fun. sible to the average thumb- There wouldn’t be mischief jockey, but was unearthed by to make without rules, and a hackers searching through choice of whether or not to the game’s code. In GTA, Carl Bully does allow you to break them. Jimmy has a cur­ “ CJ” Johnson can date up to few, a dress code, and class beat an eight-year-old girl six different women, and if every day (which take the he plays his cards right, the over the head with a base­ form of mini-games— English dates will culminate in an in­ is a word scramble, gym is a vite inside for coffee— read: ball bat and pelt old ladies dodgeball match, etc.). Wear sex. At this point, the off-the- your khakis and vest, and you shelf game gets suggestive; with bottle rockets. won’t get harassed by the pre­ the house’s exterior appears, fects, but why not wear the red to the vaguely erotic sounds ninja suit you just bought? Go of muffled voices. By down­ to shop class, and you’ll earn loading the “ Hot Coffee” mod on the PC, or hack­ a better bike, but why not ride the BM X you already ing into the console versions, however, the player have into town and spray “ Nerds Suck!” all over the was able to enter the house and the girlfriend her­ comic store where they congregate? self: you control an array of actions which cannot The action isn’t confined to the school grounds— be elaborated upon in this forum. If any single the sleepy northeastern town o f Bullworth is an in­ event sparked Senator Clinton’s public pledge to tegral part of the game. Wooden docks line a lake, protect America’s children from video games, this rich folk nestle in gated mansions at the top of a hill, was it. Its revelation caused a re-rating of GTA, and industrial wasteland sprawls on the wrong side which in turn helped Rockstar’s parent company of the train tracks. It’s not a massive game world, but lose $28.8 million in one fiscal quarter. Naturally, it is a big and wonderfully detailed one. cheeky gamers have dubbed the comparatively mi­ A photography class assignment brought me to nor Bully brouhaha “ Iced Latte.” Old Bullworth Church, where I saw one jock stand­ Naturally, Jack Thompson, a conservative attor­ ing over a tombstone, head down. The jocks hate ney and anti-video game crusader, recently attempt­ Jimmy, picking fights and chasing him across the ed to prohibit the sale o f Bully to minors in Florida quad. But when I approached the jock, he didn’t (incidentally, 15 years ago Thompson asked a judge look up. He kept walking down the lane, head hang­ to declare the entire Florida Bar Association uncon­ ing. It was a poignant moment, a rare thing for any stitutional because of a supposed revenge plot it was video game, let alone one from the company famous hatching against him). When the judge ruled that for its numerous mass murder simulators. Bully could be sold to minors, Thompson fired back A game can only cover so much, but Bully hits with a petulant, passive-aggressive letter that called a sweet spot of virtual reality. More social options the judge a liar; the lawyers at Take-Two Interactive, would have been nice— instead of joining one clique Rockstar’s parent company, swiftly filed a motion to or another, the player is simply dragged through a have Thompson declared in contempt of court, and preset story arc, which involves the systematic hu­ he now faces jail time (check YouTube for videos of miliation and physical beatdown of every kid in the contempt hearing hilarity). school in an attempt to “ stop bullying” — but the That being said, Bully does allow you to beat an cozy universe of Bully proves that while big is good, eight-year-old girl over the head with a baseball bigger isn’t necessarily better. bat and pelt old ladies with bottle rockets, but, all — Paul Barndt

N ovember 2006 35 CULINARY HUMANITIES

Illu s tr a te d b y J u lia B u ta r e v a IfThese Walls Could Sauté

B y A n d r e w R u s s e t h

eering through the windows, we saw antlers, requires the eager visitor to push through a door Pa boar’s head, and a white goose in mid-flight labeled “ Employees Only” inside a taquería of the jutting from the walls. Every table in the dimly lit same name before venturing through the kitchen. room was packed with diners. There was no sign, Once at the other La Esquina, you approach the no address, and no entrance. We had been strolling hostess and she gives you the number and asks you west on Rivington and, nearing Bowery, had been to call for a reservation from above ground. A wom­ intrigued by the name of a side street— Freeman an— it sounds like the same one— answers: “ I’m Alley, as a high-hanging sign informed us— that sorry, we’re booked until 11:00.” It’s 7:30. we’d never seen before. We followed it to its end, Walter Benjamin, quoting the novelist Régis but there was no way into the restaurant. We set out Messac, once asked, “ Is not the big city as myste­ from the alley and walked around the block to what rious as the forests of the New World?” That’s the I presumed to be the front door. We entered. It was eternal promise o f New York: around any comer, not the restaurant we had seen. in any neighborhood, you can discover something Only a few months later, poking around online, new— a bizarre gallery, an eccentric café, a street would I discover what we had missed. The taxider- you’ve somehow always missed. Simply by walking my-fetishizing, semi-hidden restaurant was named and looking, you can aimlessly wander like Charles Freemans. The obscure location and unmarked Baudelaire’s 19th century flâneur, with one catch: in storefront (the door is actually to the left o f the win­ the modem city, especially New York, the discovery dow we were looking through) are relatively tame is usually something to buy. tactics compared to other new establishments that are building their customer base by pretending to ctor Tim Robbins is a newcomer to selling se­ hide from it. NoLIta’s L a Esquina, for instance, Acrets, opening The Back Room last year. Oth­

36 T he B lue and W hite CULINARY HUMANITIES er than the black-clad bouncer looming idly on the sidewalk while talking into headset, the only clue PLACES TO GO to its presence is a metal sign labeled “ Lower East Side Toy Company.” To make it through the gate, 1. Freemans you need to make it past that very large gentleman. End of Freemans Alley off Rivington St., On a September evening, two fellow editors of T h e between Bowery and Chrystie St.

Blue and White and I attempted to gain entry. The F/V to 2"'1 Ave. and Houston St. big man did not look pleased. “ Three guys alone on a Saturday night? How old are you?” “Twenty-one!” 2. La Esquina the boldest among us answered, proudly flaunt­ 106 Kenmare St. ing our legality. “Minimum age is twenty-five on R/W to Prince St. weekend nights,” he replied firmly. After a bit of contrived schmoozing and coaxing, we— shabbily 3. The Back Room dressed and lady friend-less— found ourselves be­ 102 Norfolk St. ing allowed down a dark, sub-street level walkway, F to Delancey-Essex Sts. up a modified fire escape, and into the 1920s-styled pseudo-speakeasy. At 1:00 in the morning, the 4. Nom de Guerre wood-paneled hall held no more than a few dozen 640 Broadway, Lower Level (south east people. From that point forward, the number would comer of Bleecker intersection, down stairs) only decline. N/R to Prince St. Benjamin accused the flâneur of being “ a spy for the capitalists, on assignment in the realm of the 5. The Burger Joint consumers.” His role today blurs with that of the pro­ 118 W 57'1' St., btw. 6th & 7th Aves. (in Le prietor: together, they create an illusion o f discovery. Parker Meridien Hotel) You visit places like Th e Back Room , not because 1 to 59th St. and Columbus Circle you were lucky enough to find it but because every­ one says you have to go, that this hulking bar posing 6. Milk & Honey as a speakeasy— or is it posing as a bar posing as 134 Eldridge St., btw. Delancey and a speakeasy?— is great, secret fun. But, of course, Broome Sts. it’s neither secret nor fun. Once you’ve navigated B/D to Grand St. or F/V to 2nd Ave. and through the passage to the appointed space— your Houston St. Goodfellas Copacabana moment— there’s no need to go back, which may explain the incredible lack of a tell people they can’t come, and everyone will start crowd on the Saturday night. jockeying for their place in line. As a means of mak­ ing a first impression, it rarely fails; as a means of hat’s not to say that every place that engages building a loyal clientele, it’s not much better than T in such subterfuge is destined for the dustbin. any other technique. Nom de Guerre, a reputed former Black Panther This desire for obscurity (read: exclusivity) hangout in the East Village devoted to rare Nikes, largely occurs on the Lower East Side, in the East extremely tight clothing, and books ranging from ar­ Village, and Williamsburg, all relatively recent chitectural theory to Wittgenstein, seems constantly conquests of gentrification. Like much of the avant- abuzz with activity. Le Parker Meridien’s Burger garde architecture sprouting up around the LES like Joint, “ hidden” behind a velvet curtain in the lob­ startlingly out of place weeds (think Hotel on R iv­ by, has become a favorite of nearby corporate work­ ington), their aesthetic experience seems to require ers on lunch break, filled to the brim at noon. And the surrounding poverty, which lends authenticity M ilk & Honey, one of the first bars to establish to the mse: the more dramatic the contrast between strict reservation and referral policies, continues inside and outside, the greater the fun. They recall to crowd with people every night, even though, as that Situationist slogan allegedly seen on an alley per house rules, men are not permitted to introduce wall in Paris after the 1968 riots: “ Club Med— A themselves to women. The trick is one of the oldest: cheap vacation in other people’s misery.” ♦♦♦

N ovember 2006 37 OUR LOCAL CORRESPONDANTS

The Nightly Snooze

Is there more to Columbia television than Minuteman footage (see p. 10) and The Gates (see p. 24)? Yes. And no. Because o f its low budget and high standards, CTV rarely airs extended blocks o f original content. But, at the B & W i request, it broadcast close to three straight hours on a recent Friday night. We askedfo r six, but three proved more than enough.

8:00 p.m.: A set of male buttocks is sticking out of advises film students to drop their cameras down John a bank o f TVs. It’s an ad for CTV. Three men talk in Jay stairwells. what appear to be three individual rooms. It’s sup­ posed to be a parody of something, I think. 9:30: The interview refuses to end.

8:06: Clips & Quips: “ We don’t take ourselves too 9:38: Sexiled! Hosted by Vanessa Goldstein and seriously.” The host says, “ We’ll discuss how to send Travis Cone. “ Sadism is when you like giving pain, your clips in later.” The camera then cuts out. and masochism is when you like receiving. So they kind of get lumped together.” 8:07: Wine Wednesdays. The host, an inebriated brunette, explains why last week’s episode was not 9:44: Still talking about spanking. Still not see­ taped. “ Some lovely person tried to help us, but he ing spanking. Vanessa’s cell phone rings. I take a or she forgot to press the record button.” break.

8:25: The host deems Charlie Rose “ fly,” especially 10:09: Apparently, autoerotic asphyxiation is a “ real when “ foxy older women” go on his show. She edges rush.” closer to her guest. 10:15: According to the ticker, it’s been 9:50 a.m. for 8:35: CTV News. a few hours. Time is standing still.

8:43: Engineering Student Council President Dan 10:28: Vanessa: “ Does your finger have that moist Okin says SEAS students are not feeling that a tongue can give?” just “ engineering-driven and sci­ ence-driven individuals. If that 10:32: Vanessa’s rear takes up the were the case, they would have entire frame as she spanks her pro­ gone to Purdue, where there’s no ducer. arts requirement.” 10:36: Dead air. Followed by the 8:48: Why do people use Friday same promo that aired at 8:00 p.m. nights to study? It allows “ what­ ever you want Saturday and Sunday 10:38: Once again, Clips and Quips'. nights.” The two hosts then banter Then, the first three minutes of about the most recent CTV party. I Wine Wednesday! The host tells us, envy the people studying on a Fri­ “ I’m going to be a little serious for day night. a minute.” The video cuts out and starts over. Seriously. It’s happen­ 8:54: The Critic Show, hosted by Mi­ ing all over again. chelle Fan and Emma Thome. They interview Joseph Gordon-Levitt, who — Dan D ’Addario Illustrated by Carly Hoogendyk

38 T he Blue and W hite CAMPUS GOSSIP

And now, a look at some of the more illustrious job ogy, and Behavior, and Psychology titles of some of our more illustrious faculty. THE DEPARTMENT OF LEAVE IT TO BEAVER-. DEPARTMENT OF JOHN JACOB JINGLE- • Alice Kessler-Harris— R. Gordon Hoxie Professor of HEIMER SCHMIDT: American History in Honor of Dwight D. Eisenhower • Robert Somerville— Ada Byron Bampton Tre­ • Linda V. Green— Armand G. Erpf Professor of the maine Professor of Religion Modern Corporation • Ponisseril Somasundaran— LaVon Duddleson • Franklin R. Edwards— Arthur F. Bums Professor Krumb Professor of Mineral Engineering of Free and Competitive Enterprise • Walter M. Frisch— Harold Gumm/Harry and A l­ bert von Tilzer Professor of Music Overheard, in anticipation of former President Clin­ DEPARTMENT FOR THE JOURNEY TO THE ton’s upcoming on-campus conversation with man of CENTER OF THE EARTH: the moment Vdclav Havel: • Tuncel M. Yegulalp— Professor of Mining Girl 1: “ I am going to the Clinton thing and I am planning on having sex with him.” DEPARTMENT OF LONGWINDEDNESS: Girl 2: “ I bet he’s good.” • Paul J. Anderer— Wm. Theodore and Fanny Brett de Bary and Class of 1941 Collegiate Professor of IT’S JUST LIKE CLEARING BRUSH. Asian Humanities and Vice Provost for Internation­ ftr al Relations • Gareth D. Williams— Violin Family Professor in RESOLVED: ACCIDENTAL PREGNANCY RE­ the Core Curriculum at Columbia University DUCES GRADE INFLATION • Jeanne Brooks-Gunn— Virg. and Leo. Marx Prof. of Child and Parent Dev.Ed., College of Physicians Overheard on College Walk, a 30-something woman and Surgeons, Columbia University to her small child: “ Alex, if you don’t come back here right now you can­ DEPARTMENT OF REDUNDANCY DEPART­ not sleep with teddy tonight! I’ll take him away!” MENT: “ You can’t do that!” • Richard K. Betts— Leo A. Schifrin Professor of “ I will take teddy away! I don’t have time for this! I War and Peace Studies and Arnold A. Saltzman have to do my Econ problem set!” Professor of War and Peace Studies rtr • Charles Armstrong— The Korea Foundation As­ sociate Professor of Korean Studies in the Social YOU CAN’T WIN A NOBEL PRIZE IN EVERY­ Sciences THING Overheard at the Sundial: DEPARTMENT OF MULTITASKING: “ This school is nothing— my sister started doing • Joy Hirsch— Professor of Radiology, Neurobiol­ coke at fourteen.”

N o v e m b e r 2006 39 INTERMEDIATE FENCING A B&W staffer returned from the gym, swiped into McBain, and made his way to the elevator. While At 11 p.m. one night in front of Radio Perfecto, waiting for it to reach the ground floor, he slyly took grad student dressed in all white and a step back in order to observe himself in standing in front of his waiting limou the large panel mirror. After making sine was seen smoking and talking sure that the security guard was to a middle-aged man. “ Listen looking in the other direction, man,” he said, “ you’re the he began to flex his freshly- one who said you wanted me pumped biceps. A few sec­ to kill you.” Responded onds later, he heard the the gentleman, while flail­ sound o f a woman’s voice. ing an oversized plastic “ Don’t worry, honey. I no­ sword: “ I’m not afraid to ticed the difference.” die! I’m not afraid to die! I’m not afraid to die!” The staffer looked back to see the female guard ftr watching him on the secu­ On a Sunday night during the rity camera’s feed. The el­ height of midterms, a girl was evator arrived, and he jumped observed pushing a boy full-speed in, but not before awkwardly re­ down the Lerner ramps in a K-Mart sponding: “Thank you, ma’am.” shopping cart as he screamed like a small child on ctr> a rollercoaster. As they enjoyed the social inter­ A actions that the ramps were designed to facilitate, Barnard’s yearbook, The Mortarboard, sent out an everyone else in the building looked about ready e-mail this month to all current seniors reminding to kill them. them to have their senior portraits taken. When stu­ dents called the supposed number to the portrait When pressed to justify their actions, the students studio, however, they were connected with a phone apologized, explaining that Barney’s doesn’t have sex line. The message: “ I’m so glad you called. Me shopping carts. and my horny girlfriends can’t wait to get down and dirty with you.” rtr

The graduate student lounge for art history, located Barnard students rejoiced. Get it?! Because they’re on the sixth floor of Schermerhorn, has two doors. lesbians!!! There is a sign on each. The first sign reads as fol­ rtf’ lows: “ Do not use this door, use the other door.” The second sign reads “ Door knob broken, use During a recent class taught by esteemed Profes­ other door.” The second doorknob is not actually sor of English Edward Mendelson, students were broken. surprised when he entered the lecture hall, told them that he had not prepared a lesson, and that he Confused grad students, failing to notice this last was “just gonna wing it.” The subsequent class on fact, have been covertly consulting battered copies H.G. Wells’ Tono Bungay involved anecdotes and of The Da Vinci Code for the past week, determined commentary repeated from earlier lectures, plus to find a way in. numerous negative comments about the book’s an­ notator— who was, in fact, Mendelson himself. After i about an hour of winging it, Mendelson allowed his A reasonably well-aged woman who was spotted students to wing it as well— right out of class, fifteen driving her black sedan up to the Amsterdam gate minutes early. rolled down her window and yelled: “ Excuse me! I don’t have my glasses! What street is this?!”

Aren’t GS students adorable? Strokos...it’s forgotten!

40 T he B lue and W hite