“LIFE OF THE PARTY”
PILOT
BY ANDREW NICHOLLS & DARRELL VICKERS
ACT ONE
SCENE 1
FADE IN:
EVENT ROOM - DAY (DAY 1) (HONEY, DEIDRE, MARYELLEN, DARBY, CHRIS, MR. BLYE)
A LARGE COMFY SPACE THAT DOUBLES AS EVENT ROOM AND GATHERING PLACE FOR THE EMPLOYEES OF A BIG-CITY CATERING OUTFIT. MARYELLEN, 32, A COUNTRY GIRL AT HEART, READS THE PAPER, DARBY, 23, A POST-PUNK REJECT, READS "KERRRANG," AND DEIDRE, 38, POISED AND SOMEWHAT ABOVE- IT-ALL, SCANS "VANITY FAIR."
MARYELLEN
Goodness! "Doctors say prime rib can stay
in your colon for ten years."
DEIDRE
It should, for what they charge for it.
DARBY
I don't eat meat any more. I don't drink,
smoke, do drugs or join weird cults.
(WISTFUL) I don't go to sleazy Hollywood
parties where I sleep with the guests in
alphabetical order...
MARYELLEN (SHOCKED) You did that?
DARBY
I think so. I have a dim memory of chugging
gin, trying to pass out before I got to
Crispin Glover.
DEIDRE
My God, if you've quit drinking and sleeping
around, what are you going to do between
your age and my age?
DARBY
Well, I could fly to Andromeda and back.
BEFORE DEIDRE CAN ATTACK DARBY, A POTENTIAL CLIENT, MR. BLYE, ENTERS. THE WOMEN RUN TO RECEPTION.
MARYELLEN
Hi, welcome to "Life Of The Party."
MR. BLYE
I talked to Rebecca Honeycutt about a
banquet...
DARBY
Honey'll be back any second.
DARBY ROLLS IN A TRAY OF ENTICING DESSERTS.
MARYELLEN
And, while you wait, we have fresh Jamaican
blue mountain coffee and a selection of delicious tartelettes or strawberries
Romanoff, all made by our brilliant chef
Chris Carnegie.
MR. BLYE
Could I meet Mr. Carnegie?
ALL 3 WOMEN
No!
DEIDRE
He's very busy. Cheffing.
CHRIS WALKS IN FROM THE KITCHEN, IN CHEF GARB. CHRIS IS A 40-YEAR-OLD TALENTED BUT COARSE LITTLE VULGARIAN.
CHRIS
Who took my ass-scratcher off the hook?
DEIDRE TRIES TO HUSTLE MR. BLYE OUT THE DOOR.
DEIDRE
You know what? Let's just go next door to
Pie And Fry and wait for her there.
CHRIS
What's that, a customer?
MARYELLEN
Honey will be back any minute, Chris.
Remember, she deals with the customers?
CHRIS PUSHES THEM OUT OF THE WAY.
CHRIS
Hi. Chris Carnegie, the owner. MR. BLYE
Ed Blye. Rover Books is having a publication party for our latest Barky The
Beagle. It'll be about 100 people, plus of course Barky. We thought maybe you could bake a cake in the shape of a bone...
CHRIS
Lemme see if I understand this. You want me to cook for dogs?
MR. BLYE
No, just one dog, Barky, the hero of the series.
DEIDRE
Plus the hundred people, Chris!
CHRIS
Tell ya what, I got a better idea. Why don't I just cook the dog?
MR. BLYE
Pardon me?
CHRIS
Yeah, a nice Barky Wellington, on a tray with a slipper in his mouth instead of an apple, whaddya think?
MR. BLYE I think we won't be doing business!
MR. BLYE HUFFS OUT. CHRIS YELLS AFTER HIM:
CHRIS
I can pose him so he looks like he's chasing
a big ham cat! (BLYE IS GONE) What a
jerk.
CHRIS GOES TO THE KITCHEN. REBECCA ‘HONEY’ HONEYCUTT ENTERS. SHE’S 40+, WELL PUT-TOGETHER, SOUTHERN... OKAY, SHE’S DOLLY PARTON.
HONEY
I've got great news! (OFF THEIR LOOKS) Oh
no, what happened? Did Congress ban another
artificial sweetener?
DARBY
Chris spoke to a customer.
HONEY
Oh. Never mind, I just landed us a big job;
catering, facilities, the works!
THE WOMEN REACT HAPPILY.
HONEY
Phoebe Markworth-Miller-Turner-Fyfe-Pascal-
Weinstock is getting married again, and
we're hosting the reception! If we do a
good job we might even get her next one.
Which, by the looks of the groom, could be before they get the wedding photos back.
DARBY
She's already rich. Why the hurry?
DEIDRE
She probably wanted to sneak in one more
millionaire before they thaw out Walt
Disney.
HONEY
It's a Hawaiian theme, so we'll need palm
tree decorations, tiki torches, a special
menu, theme drinks...
DEIDRE
Pineapple-scented oxygen for the groom.
HONEY
... and I'm afraid this means grass skirts,
ladies.
THE WOMEN ALL MOAN.
DEIDRE
I hate those things. The last time, some
drunk in a pith helmet kept parting my dress
and saying "Dr. Livingstone, I presume."
DARBY
How'd you get her to use us again after what
happened last time? HONEY
I told her father we were sincerely sorry,
which we are, I promised it wouldn't
happened again, which it won't... and I said
Chris was dead. Which he will be, if he
steps out of that kitchen.
MARYELLEN
Didn't I hear Jack had that job?
THE OTHER WOMEN HUSH UP AT THE MENTION OF THIS NAME. HONEY PAUSES HALFWAY TO THE KITCHEN.
HONEY
(LYING BADLY) Really? I didn't hear that.
HONEY EXITS. THE WOMEN LOOK AT EACH OTHER. SOMETHING'S UP.
CUT TO:
ACT ONE
SCENE 2
INT. PIE N' FRY - DAY (DAY 1) (HONEY, MARYELLEN, DEIDRE, DARBY, ABBY)
LUNCHTIME. DARBY, DEIDRE AND MARYELLEN SIT IN A BOOTH AT A DUPAR'S-TYPE RESTAURANT.
MARYELLEN
I still can't believe Honey would go out and
steal a catering job off her old boyfriend.
DARBY
Wake up, Maryellen. The main reason she's working for Chris is because Jack hates his
guts.
MARYELLEN
It doesn't sound like her.
DEIDRE
You'd have to know Jack. Let's just say
while they were together, cakes weren't the
only thing he put icing on.
MARYELLEN
(SHOCKED) He was frosting another woman?
How did she find out?
DEIDRE
It was the little things you pick up on...
like walking in on them. She suddenly
realized why he couldn't keep the ants out
of his beard.
THEY HUSH UP AS HONEY ENTERS AND SLIDES INTO THE BOOTH, HOLDING A SHEET OF PAPER AND A PEN.
HONEY
Hey, y'all, what are you talking about?
DEIDRE
Cake decorating.
HONEY
(POINTEDLY) No, I'm not bothered about Jack any more.
DARBY
What makes you think we were discussing you
and Jack?
HONEY
(SWEETLY) Because when each of you is out
of the room we discuss Darby's bed-hopping
pill-popping three-year tour of Hollywood,
Maryellen thinking an orgasm was something
you did with folded paper, and Deidre
getting fired from the Rive Hotel for being
"a complete bitch."
THE WOMEN REGARD EACH OTHER WITH PARANOIA.
HONEY (CONT'D)
But never mind all that, today's the day we
improve Maryellen's life.
MARYELLEN
Oh you're not going to do this!
HONEY
It's been two years since Sal died. You're
a smart, attractive woman, you've been alone
long enough. And face it, Ever-Ready can
only make so many batteries.
DARBY AND DEIDRE LAUGH. HONEY (CONT'D)
So I've got paper and a pen, and we are going to list all the qualities that make up your perfect man.
DEIDRE
I'm single. Why can't we make a list for my perfect man?
DARBY
Because it's pretty easy to memorize "Legs
And A Wallet."
HONEY
Hush, you two. Let's start with physical attributes. Height and weight?
MARYELLEN
Oh, no, this is silly, I don't really see any point in... (LEANING OVER AS HONEY
WRITES) ... five-eleven to six foot two, one eighty-five, ramrod posture and luxuriant back hair.
HONEY
Okay. What else?
DARBY
How about disposition? HONEY
Dis position, dat position, I like 'em all!
DEIDRE
Oh, who are we kidding? There aren't any available men our age.
HONEY
Of course there are, Deidre. They're divorcing women like us all the time.
MARYELLEN
(INDICATING DARBY) Yes, but they're marrying women like her.
DARBY
You can have 'em. I'm done with men.
MARYELLEN
Pish tosh. Darby, you're twenty-three, what could you know about men?
DEIDRE
That's like asking what does a sidewalk know about feet.
HONEY
Can we step off memory lane and get back to the list?
MARYELLEN
What good is a list going to do me? HONEY
If you're hunting a bear, you've gotta know
what a bear looks like.
MARYELLEN
But men aren't animals.
DEIDRE
The right ones are.
MARYELLEN
I just don't believe you can plan this.
When I met Sal it was love at first sight,
even though he was five-foot three, stooped
over, and his back was as bald as an Okie's
tires. Excuse me, I've got to pick up
supplies.
MARYELLEN EXITS, A LITTLE UPSET. A PAUSE.
HONEY
Poor Maryellen.
DEIDRE
Yeah. She was married to a freak.
ABBY THE WAITRESS, 75, CROSSES TO THEIR TABLE AND REMOVES THE PENCIL FROM BEHIND HER EAR.
ABBY
Hi girls, what can I get for you today?
HONEY READS OFF HER LIST: HONEY
Abby, I need a man, five-eleven to six-two,
one-eighty-five, sweet disposition, with big
rippling muscles.
DARBY
Nothing for me.
DEIDRE
I'll have ice cream on mine.
CUT TO:
ACT ONE
SCENE 3
INT. EVENT ROOM - DAY (DAY 1) (HONEY, DEIDRE, DARBY, MARYELLEN, CHRIS, RUDY)
CHRIS ENTERS WITH A MENU, PURSUED BY HONEY.
HONEY
Chris, just listen to me...
CHRIS
This is crap! You want crap, get something
that craps. I'm a chef.
HONEY
It's a Hawaiian theme, this is what
Hawaiians eat.
CHRIS They also ate Captain Cook, you want me to fry up a coupla sailors? (PICKS UP THE
PHONE) Lemme talk to this guy...
HONEY
You can't! (THE TRUTH COMES OUT) I told him you're dead.
CHRIS
(IS SHE KIDDING?) Nah. You didn't.
HONEY
He offered me a thousand dollars extra if he could sprinkle your ashes into the urinals.
CHRIS
Wow. This guy's really got a hate on.
HONEY
Perhaps you recall his daughter's last wedding? The one where you tried to bite her ear off?
CHRIS
She said the soup didn't have enough meat in it, I was just trying to help.
HONEY
Chris, we need this job. I say this with love and affection: you're an insulting obnoxious pig and everybody hates you. Stay in the kitchen.
CHRIS
A thousand bucks, huh? Maybe I'll go smoke
a coupla cigars into an urn...
CHRIS EXITS. DARBY ENTERS WITH A SAMPLE GRASS SKIRT ENSEMBLE, WITH A COCONUT BIKINI TOP.
DARBY
I got these out of storage. What do you
think?
HONEY
I think I'm gonna need bigger coconuts.
DEIDRE ENTERS WITH A STACK OF UNFOLDED NAPKINS AND AN UNINFLATED NOVELTY BALLOON.
DEIDRE
I've got 300 napkins to fold into canoes,
and a plastic Don Ho to inflate, where's
Mary Poppins?
HONEY
Maryellen went for supplies. (CHECKS HER
WATCH) I wonder where she is.
DARBY
(TO DEIDRE) Why don't you inflate Mr. Ho?
DEIDRE
I thought if she's going to be dating again
she could use the practice. DARBY
She'd better get here soon, there's sixty
place cards to hand-letter and I can't do
it, my handwriting's completely illegible.
(BITTERSWEET MEMORY) Although... it sure
was great for forging prescriptions.
MARYELLEN ENTERS (IN A "LIFE OF THE PARTY" JACKET), FLUSHED WITH EXCITEMENT.
MARYELLEN
I found him! Everybody... I met the man of
my dreams in the grocery store!
BEHIND HER, A MAN ENTERS STAGGERING UNDER THE WEIGHT OF SEVERAL GROCERY BAGS, WHICH RISE ABOVE HIS FACE. THE WOMEN STARE AT HIM.
MARYELLEN (CONT'D)
He's incredibly kind and strong and gracious
and helpful...
HONEY
Maryellen, I hate to break this to you, but
bagboys do that for everyone.
MARYELLEN
(REALIZING WHAT THEY THINK) No no, that's
just Rudy.
FROM BEHIND THE BAGS WE HEAR A PAINED VOICE WITH A GREEK ACCENT. THIS IS RUDY:
RUDY (STRAINING) Yezz. Just Rudy.
MARYELLEN
I met Trent right next to the free sample
table! It was so romantic. Our hands
touched the same hickory-smoked luncheon
meat square. Let me see, he's my age, he's
divorced and soooo handsome and Honey, you
were right, he's everything on my list and
more!
HONEY
Maryellen, I'm so happy for you!
MARYELLEN
We talked for nearly an hour, isn't that
right, Rudy?
FROM BEHIND THE STACK OF HEAVY BAGS WE HEAR:
RUDY
(GREAT PAIN) Yezz.
HONEY
Thanks Rudy, take those in the kitchen.
RUDY STAGGERS OUT.
MARYELLEN
I actually feel giddy. I have to sit down.
No, I can't sit down. I have to lose ten
pounds before he picks me up for dinner tonight.
HONEY
Maryellen, we've got the reception tomorrow.
We're working tonight.
MARYELLEN
Oh. Oh. I didn't think.
DEIDRE
(DRYLY) "News flash."
DARBY
We're real happy you found romance over a
cocktail sausage, but if you think we are
going to do all the work while you're out on
the town sampling Mr. Hickory Meat, you're
in for a rude awakening!
RUDY STAGGERS BACK IN, STILL BEHIND THE BAGS.
RUDY
Yezz?
HONEY
Not you, Rudy. Rude awakening.
RUDY
O-kay.
HE STAGGERS OUT AGAIN. DEIDRE TURNS ON HONEY.
DEIDRE
We are not doing this alone! Tell her. MARYELLEN
You said to go out and find a bear! Well I
found him and he's in my sights, I just need
tonight to shoot him and lay him over the
hood of my car!
HONEY
I suppose the three of us can handle things
if we work late...
MARYELLEN
(RUNNING OUT) Oh goody! Thank you!
HONEY
But be here real early tomorrow!
MARYELLEN
I'll never forget this!
SHE EXITS. DEIDRE AND DARBY GLARE AT HONEY.
HONEY
Whoa. I have a feeling I won't either.
DISSOLVE TO:
ACT ONE
SCENE 4
EXT. "LIFE OF THE PARTY" - NIGHT, ESTAB. INT. KITCHEN - NIGHT (NIGHT 1) (HONEY, DEIDRE, DARBY, RUDY)
LATE THAT NIGHT. HONEY LINES UP CHAMPAGNE FLUTES ON TRAYS WHEN RUDY ENTERS, CARRYING SOME VIDEOTAPES. WITHOUT THE GROCERY BAGS IN FRONT OF HIS FACE HE'S A HANDSOME MAN OF 25.
RUDY
Mizz Honeycutt?
HONEY
Hi Rudy. What are you doing here so late?
Can I help you with something?
RUDY
I am very difficult for explain, but... you
know women crazy brains.
HONEY
Women crazy brains? Give me another hint.
RUDY
Thing being, uh, I... wishtowoo.
HONEY
"Wishtowoo"? Oh! You want to woo a girl,
like courting?
RUDY
No! No jail court woman! No hooking fancy
night pants!
HONEY
No, courting means pursuing a girl. RUDY
Yezz! Like this.
AND HE HANDS HONEY THE VIDEOTAPES.
HONEY
"Guys And Dolls." "High Society." "The
Front Page."
RUDY
I learn English so perfect from thizz. But
romance, ehhh, is still, like Yul Brynner...
puzzlement.
HONEY
Well you're a good looking guy, this
shouldn't be a problem. If there's a girl
you like, buy her chocolates or a teddy
bear, or write her a poem, or...
RUDY
Poem! Thees ees eet!
HE KISSES HONEY ON BOTH CHEEKS AND RUNS OUT, PASSING DEIDRE WHO RUNS IN, GIDDILY EXCITED, HOLDING A LIST, WHICH SHE HANDS TO HONEY.
DEIDRE
Read this name and tell me I'm not dreaming!
HONEY
"Martin Cosgrove"? Your old boss is going
to be at the Weinstock reception? DEIDRE
This is my chance to rise again, Phoenix- like, from the ashes of this pathetic subsistence job! (BEAT) Which by the way you do remarkably well.
HONEY
(DRYLY) Thanks.
DEIDRE
I can clear up our little misunderstanding.
HONEY
Deidre, you pushed him out a window of the
Beverly Hills Rive Hotel.
DEIDRE
Oh, please, three lousy floors, that's why they have awnings. He said he'd never speak to me again, but that was just the Percodan talking. You know how utterly beguiling I can be. What shall I wear?
HONEY
You'll be wearing a grass skirt.
DEIDRE
(SCOFFS) I hardly think so. (MUSES)
Something elegant and soigne, but which would make any man with testicles throw his wife into a tugboat boiler for me. I'm
going to be the Assistant Manager of a four-
star Hotel again!
SHE DOES A "HAPPY DANCE." DARBY WALKS IN, CLOSE TO BOILING OVER.
DARBY
Okay, I've done all my anger management
exercises, and I've come in here to say two
things. Number one, Deidre is frolicking in
the kitchen, Maryellen's upstairs testing
the removability of five different dresses,
and unless I'm having some sort of acid
flashback, I'm the only one busting her ass
out there to get things ready for this
party.
HONEY
I'm sorry about Maryellen, but (POINTED) ...
Deidre will be right out.
DARBY
Oh yeah, and Jack's here.
HONEY
Jack? My ex-Jack?
HONEY RUNS OUT. DEIDRE TURNS TO DARBY, STILL ON A CLOUD:
DEIDRE Marvellous news! I'm leaving you all to
take up the position I was born for!
DARBY
Don't tell me The Cryptkeeper's retiring.
AS DEIDRE REACTS, WE:
CUT TO:
ACT ONE
SCENE 5
INT. LIVING ROOM - CONTINUOUS (NIGHT 1)
JACK PARKER, A LADYKILLER IN HIS MID-40S, STANDS CONFIDENTLY AT THE FRONT DOOR. HONEY RUNS IN, WITH DARBY AND DEIDRE CLOSE BEHIND.
JACK
Hi, Honey.
HONEY
Jack, if you're here because of the
Weinstock wedding you've got nothing to
gripe about, I bid it fair and square.
JACK
Fine. There'll be other catering jobs.
HONEY
Well then, if you're here to beg me to come
back, that thousand year cooling-off period I mentioned hasn't nearly begun to expire.
JACK
I'm not here for that either.
HONEY
So... if it isn't business and you didn't
come here to tickle my Elmo, what kind of
low-down thing did bring you here?
MARYELLEN (O.S.)
Trent!
THE WOMEN TURN. MARYELLEN STANDS AT THE OTHER DOOR, DRESSED TO THE NINES, ARMS OPEN FOR JACK.
HONEY
"Trent"?
MARYELLEN GOES TO JACK. THEY HUG.
JACK
Maryellen!
HONEY
Maryellen?
MARYELLEN
Girls, this is Trent Carter. Oh, we're
late. Don't wait up. Bye!
JACK
Nice meeting you.
JACK WINKS TO HONEY AS HE AND MARYELLEN GO OUT THE DOOR. ON HONEY'S DISBELIEVING FACE, WE: FADE OUT.
*END OF ACT ONE*
ACT TWO
SCENE 1
FADE IN:
INT. EVENT ROOM - DAY (DAY 2) (HONEY, DEIDRE, DARBY, MARYELLEN, RUDY, MUSICIANS, FLOWER GUY)
THE ROOM HAS BEEN TRANSFORMED WITH A HAWAIIAN MOTIF: PAPER FLOWERS, POSTERS, PLASTIC PALMS. SOME HAWAIIAN MUSICIANS CARRY INSTRUMENTS IN. MARYELLEN AND HONEY ENTER, ARGUING.
MARYELLEN
Okay, I didn't know he was your Jack at
first, but I know now and I still like him,
so what difference does it make?
HONEY
"What difference"? He lied to you! He gave
you a false name! Doesn't that tell you
MARYELLEN
Fiddlesticks. He saw the company name on my
jacket, he knew you'd bad-mouth him -- which
you did -- so he made up a name until I could get to know him and see he's not at
all like that.
HONEY
But he's exactly like that! (TO A MUSICIAN)
On the patio, facing the palm trees. (TO
MARYELLEN) It's so obvious he's using you
in some twisted way to get back at me!
MARYELLEN
I think you're jealous because I slept with
him last night.
A GUY COMES THROUGH WITH FLOWERS.
HONEY
You WHAT?
MARYELLEN
Oh. I wasn't going to tell you that.
HONEY
I can't believe you could be this incredibly
naive! (TO FLOWER GUY) Out back, one on
each table. (BACK TO MARYELLEN) You make
those Manhattan Indians look like shrewd
businessmen!
MARYELLEN
You were the one who said I should start
dating again. RUDY PASSES, LUGGING HUGE ICE BAGS.
HONEY
(TO RUDY) The big tub in the kitchen. (TO
MARYELLEN) Yeah, but not my ex boyfriend
and our chief competitor!
DEIDRE ENTERS WITH SOME DECORATIONS, BUT WITH HER MIND CLEARLY ELSEWHERE.
HONEY (CONT'D)
Deidre! Tell Maryellen she's making a huge
mistake!
DEIDRE
You mean that dress with those shoes?
Surely it's obvious.
HONEY
About Jack! Tell her he's only going out
with her to get to me!
DEIDRE
Is he?
AND DEIDRE DRIFTS OUT OF THE ROOM, STILL CARRYING THE DECORATIONS.
HONEY
Of course he is! He's obsessed with me! If
you'd seen him when we broke up!
MARYELLEN
Exactly. You broke up. In the last six months, has he ever come by?
HONEY
(ADMITS) No.
MARYELLEN
Has he called?
HONEY
Well, no.
MARYELLEN
I think you're the one with the problem!
And by the way, if this does work out with
me and Jack? You can forget about catering
our wedding!
MARYELLEN FLOUNCES OFF. DARBY ENTERS, STARING AT A SHEET OF PAPER.
DARBY
I think I have a stalker. I hope it's not
some cranked-out weirdo I accidentally
married in rehab.
SHE HANDS THE NOTE TO HONEY, WHO READS:
HONEY
"Darby, you woman. Hearts fly my head.
Smiling my pants belong. Good we make bed.
Hair on the top. Under is boots.
Tattoo in middle. You big pile cutes. Eleutherios." Oh no, Rudy!
DARBY
(POINTS) This says Rudy?
HONEY
His real name's 47 letters and something
that looks like a pieplate on a stick. I
nicknamed him Rudy Valet. This must be the
poem I told him to write.
DARBY
You told Rudy the carhop to write me psycho
poetry?
HONEY
Not exactly. See, he's watched a lot of old
romance movies and he's got a crush on you,
only he didn't say it was you...
DARBY
Thanks a lot. If I want my life screwed up,
I'm more than capable of doing it myself,
okay?
DARBY STORMS OFF. HONEY IS CRUSHED. A LARGE HAWAIIAN MUSICIAN IN A BRIGHT SHIRT WALKS BY PLAYING CHEERY PLINK-A-PLINKA MUSIC ON HIS UKELELE WITH A BIG SMILE ON HIS FACE.
HONEY
Oh, shut up. DISSOLVE TO:
ACT TWO
SCENE 2
INT. KITCHEN - NIGHT (NIGHT 2) (HONEY, CHRIS)
THAT NIGHT, THE RECEPTION IN FULL SWING O.C. HAWAIIAN MUSIC, OFF. CHRIS PUTS THE LAST HORS D'OEVRE ON A TRAY AND CALLS OUT:
CHRIS
Authentic island hors d'oevres, right here!
Come and get your cold parrot plotz on a
cracker! No wonder they throw themselves in
volcanos.
HONEY ENTERS, WEARING A GRASS SKIRT/COCONUT ENSEMBLE WITH A LEI AROUND HER NECK.
CHRIS (CONT'D)
Hubba hubba. You need anything zipped up,
or weed-whacked?
HONEY
Chris, I've got everyone who works here mad
at me, I just heard my tenth "lei" joke and
I spent two hours trying to shove these
puppies into a pair of plastic coconuts so
small it feels like I'm having a mammogram
on Gilligan's Island, so I don't want any grief from you. Just stay dead and keep
cooking.
SHE PICKS UP THE TRAY AND HEADS BACK OUT.
CUT TO:
ACT TWO
SCENE 3
INT. EVENT ROOM - CONTINUOUS (NIGHT 2) (HONEY, DEIDRE, DARBY, MARYELLEN, CHRIS, RUDY, WILLIAM, JACK, MR. WEINSTOCK, MARTIN, BRIDE, GROOM, GUESTS)
A SIZEABLE PARTY UNDERWAY. GUESTS WITH NAME TAGS WEAR LEIS AND SIP PARASOL DRINKS. THE YOUNG BRIDE PAMPERS HER 80-YEAR-OLD GROOM. DARBY AND MARYELLEN SERVE IN GRASS SKIRTS.
ANGLE: HONEY TALKS TO THE PROSPEROUS-LOOKING FATHER OF THE BRIDE, MR. WEINSTOCK.
HONEY
Mr. Weinstock, thank you once again for your
business.
MR. WEINSTOCK
My pleasure. I hope to do this again many
times over the next few years.
HONEY
Oh? You have other daughters?
THE BRIDE DANCES BY WITH HER DODDERING GROOM.
MR. WEINSTOCK
No, just the one. As for that dead chef of
yours, I've done some soul-searching, and I'm sorry he passed on.
HONEY
That's wonderfully forgiving of you.
MR. WEINSTOCK
Because if he was alive, I'd have the
pleasure of ripping his head off and
planting this corsage among the meaty
strings of his neck hole.
HONEY
(SWEETLY) I'm sure he would have wanted it
that way.
ANGLE: THE DOOR: DEIDRE ENTERS, DRESSED TO KILL. SHE VAMPS ACROSS THE ROOM LIKE JESSICA RABBIT AND CORRALS A SLIGHT, BESPECTACLED MAN, WILLIAM, WHO'S SITTING ALONE.
DEIDRE
(BREATHILY) Hi. You must be... (PULLS HIM
CLOSE BY HIS NAME TAG) William. You're
here alone. Say yes.
WILLIAM
(SQUEAKS) Yes.
DEIDRE
I'm Deidre, and I need a date for about
fifteen minutes. If you play along and I
get what I want I will sleep with you in all
the vacant rooms at the Rive Hotel. Just nod your head and in two hours I'll make you
scream like a demented macaque.
WILLIAM NODS. DEIDRE TAKES HIM IN TOW AND DRAGS HIM ACROSS THE ROOM.
WILLIAM
Wow. And I didn't even have to catch the
garter.
ANGLE: DARBY, HOLDING A TRAY, TRIES TO SERVE GUESTS AS RUDY, IN HIS VALET UNIFORM, PESTERS HER WITH ANOTHER POEM. HONEY PASSES.
RUDY
(READS) "... so bury me with my mouth, in a
bucket of wind."
DARBY
(SOTTO TO HONEY) Get him off me before I
neuter him with a fish fork.
HONEY TAKES RUDY ASIDE.
HONEY
Rudy, you're very sweet, but Darby's taking
a little break from men right now and you
need to respect that.
RUDY
I pursue, she say no, no, no... then one day
yezz! Still wait for yezz.
HONEY I see. Just like in all those old movies
you watched, where the gal doesn't like the
guy, he chases her for two hours, then she
gives in?
RUDY
Yezz! And kissing, train through tunnel,
the end.
HONEY
Your problem is, you're thinking of Darby as
Rosalind Russell in The Front Page. Rudy,
look at her again.
HE LOOKS.
HONEY (CONT'D)
Think of her as Glenn Close in Fatal
Attraction.
DARBY TURNS A STARE ON RUDY THAT WOULD SNAP OFF A CANDLE FLAME. ALL HIS ARDOR EVAPORATES. HE ACTUALLY JUMPS BACKWARDS.
RUDY
Gotcha. (SCARED) I go parking cars.
HE RUNS AWAY. DARBY GOES TO HONEY.
DARBY
Thanks.
HONEY
Hey, all in a day's work. ANGLE: DEIDRE SHOVES WILLIAM TO WHERE MARTIN COSGROVE STANDS WITH HIS DRINK.
DEIDRE
(LOUD) William, you silly thing! You
didn't tell me Martin would be here! Be a
dear and take absolutely ages to fetch me a
drink.
HAVING USED WILLIAM, DEIDRE SHOVES HIM ASIDE AND CORNERS THE SUDDENLY FRIGHTENED MARTIN.
DEIDRE (CONT'D)
Martin, Martin, how long has it been?
MARTIN
(OFF HIS GUARD) Deidre, this is no place to
make a scene...
DEIDRE
A scene?
DEIDRE EMITS A BELLOWING LAUGH AND GRABS A DRINK OFF DARBY'S TRAY AS SHE PASSES.
DEIDRE (CONT'D)
You wag! I was reminiscing just the other
matin at my social club about the grand old
times we had at your Hotel.
MARTIN
You pushed me out a window into a fountain.
DEIDRE I've always meant to talk to you about your
complete misunderstanding of that little
incident. I blame it on your massive
concussion. You did hit your head rather
hard on that spitting marble trout.
HONEY ARRIVES, ANGRY.
HONEY
Excuse me, I have to talk to Diedre.
DEIDRE
(TO MARTIN) I'm thinking of hiring these
people -- they want me to sample the risotto
pfefferneuse.
SHE LAUGHS SHIMMERINGLY. HONEY YANKS HER OFF.
HONEY
Where's your grass skirt?
DEIDRE
A goat ate it. (HER FABULOUS DRESS:) I had
to "make do."
HONEY
Deidre, I love you like a sister, and I
appreciate you wanting to better yourself,
but if you don't start serving drinks and
poi in the next five minutes, I promise you,
professional full-time masochists, people who live for pain, will envy you your
torment.
HONEY TURNS AND WALKS STRAIGHT INTO JACK.
JACK
Hi Honey.
HONEY
(LAST STRAW) What happened to me today?
Did I just somehow miss being sucked down
into the pits of hell?
JACK
Hope you don't mind me crashing your party,
but I can't stay away from Maryellen.
HONEY
Speaking of staying away from Maryellen...
stay away from Maryellen.
JACK
I'm sorry if our relationship makes you
uncomfortable, but if you'll recall, it was
you who threw me out. But that's ancient
history...
HONEY
Well, ancient history's about to repeat
itself. Make like the song and hit the
road, Jack. MARYELLEN WALKS OVER ON THIS.
MARYELLEN
He's not going anywhere, Honey. You might
as well know, after the party I'm handing in
my itchy coconuts and my resignation. Come
on, Jack. Let's go hula iki pono.
AS HONEY REACTS TO THIS NEWS, AND AS MARYELLEN PULLS JACK INTO THE PARTY...
CUT TO:
ACT TWO
SCENE 4
INT. KITCHEN - NIGHT (NIGHT 2) (HONEY, CHRIS)
A MINUTE LATER. HONEY IS ALONE, PACING MISERABLY. CHRIS ENTERS FROM THE BACK.
CHRIS
What happened, they send you back for worse
food?
HONEY
Chris, am I wrong about Jack?
CHRIS
Not at all. He's an unmitigated jerk. Glad
I could clear that up. Get your grass back out there.
HONEY
Can't a jerk fall in love? I mean, isn't it possible?
CHRIS
I suppose. Otherwise, where would little jerks come from?
HONEY
They say love redeems. I always thought I believed that. Why couldn't it redeem Jack?
I've ruined my friendship with Maryellen because I'm positive he's using her to make me jealous. But what if I'm wrong? I mean, if he's so wild about me, where's he been the last six months? (HORRIBLE SUSPICION)
He's been planning this, that's where!
(GUILT) No, that's a terrible thing to say!
Maryellen's a beautiful wonderful woman, why shouldn't he be attracted to her?
CHRIS
You're right. I may go out there and take a shot at her myself.
HONEY
You're incapable of any kind of human sincerity, aren't you?
CHRIS
Yes I am, but keep talking if it'll make you feel better.
HONEY
I've got to know. I can't stand the thought of him using her.
CHRIS
Hey, if you're so angry at him why not sleep with me? He'd hate that.
HONEY
(A SLOW IDEA) Yes! He would! Chris, you just gave me an idea.
CHRIS
No kidding? You know, if we videotaped it, he'd have to keep re-living the sordid, disgusting details.
HONEY
I do need a favor, but not that one.
CHRIS
(DISAPPOINTED) I'd like to help, but see,
I've got this policy. I'm a bastard.
That's my one thing, and I pretty well stick to it. HONEY
It involves you dancing close to me with
your hands on my derriere, nibbling my neck.
CHRIS
(BEAT) I'll go put in my steak teeth.
DISSOLVE TO:
ACT TWO
SCENE 5
EXT. PATIO - NIGHT (NIGHT 2) (HONEY, DEIDRE, MARYELLEN, CHRIS, JACK, MARTIN, WILLIAM, MR. WEINSTOCK, MUSICIANS, GUESTS)
AN IVY-WALLED PATIO OFF THE HOUSE, INTO WHICH THE PARTY HAS OVERFLOWED. HANGING LANTERNS, FOUNTAINS IN FAKE SPANDRELS AND LIT TIKI LAMPS. THE MUSICIANS PLAY SOMETHING HAWAIIAN AND THE GUESTS DANCE. MARYELLEN IS WITH JACK. MR. WEINSTOCK WATCHES THE WEDDING COUPLE DANCE. DEIDRE IS STILL WORKING HER CHARMS ON MARTIN.
DEIDRE
I guess I've been so busy with my charity
work with very wealthy women who reserve
hundreds of luxury hotel rooms at a time
that I never had a moment to call you.
MARTIN
Deidre, I may have misjudged you.
THE SONG ENDS. APPLAUSE.
MARTIN (CONT'D) (EMPTY GLASS) Excuse me.
MARTIN HEADS FOR THE BAR. DEIDRE BRIEFLY EXULTS, THEN PIVOTS TO WHERE WILLIAM STANDS NEARBY, FORLORNLY HOLDING A FOOD TRAY.
DEIDRE
I'll take that now. (OFFERING IT TO A
CONFUSED GUEST) Mahi mahi?
MUSIC: THE BAND STRIKES UP A ROMANTIC TUNE HONEY AND CHRIS VENTURE ONTO THE PATIO. CHRIS IS DRESSED IN A SUIT OUT OF SOME OLD GANGSTER MOVIE, WITH A PENCIL MUSTACHE AND SUNGLASSES.
HONEY
I hate to say this, but you've got to be all
over me with your hands and your eyes. Can
you manage that?
CHRIS
Houston, we have liftoff.
CHRIS TUGS HONEY ONTO THE DANCE FLOOR, LIFTING HIS SHADES TO GIVE JACK A LEERING "I'M-MAKING-IT-WITH-YOUR- EX" LOOK AS HE PASSES. JACK GRABS MARYELLEN AND PULLS HER ONTO THE DANCE FLOOR.
HONEY PUTS HER ARMS AROUND CHRIS, MAKING SURE JACK SEES. CHRIS, NOT NEEDING ENCOURAGEMENT, PULLS HONEY LEERINGLY TIGHT, MAKING HER SHRIEK:
HONEY
Aaiiii! (RECOVERS) I mean, oooh.
ON THE SIDELINES, DEIDRE IS TALKING TO MARTIN WHEN WILLIAM, A LITTLE DRUNK, GRABS HER WRIST.
WILLIAM Excuse me. My date and future lover
promised me this dance.
BEFORE DEIDRE CAN REACT, WILLIAM GRABS HER AND HAULS HER ONTO THE FLOOR. HONEY AND CHRIS DANCE AWAY FROM JACK AND MARYELLEN -- BUMPING INTO MR. WEINSTOCK. HONEY QUICKLY TURNS CHRIS'S FACE AWAY AND DANCES OFF, JACK STILL DRAGGING MARYELLEN IN PURSUIT.
WILLIAM WHIPS DEIDRE INTO A BACK-BREAKING TANGO DIP AND PULLS HER UP. THEY'RE NEXT TO MARTIN, WHOM DEIDRE REACHES OUT TO...
DEIDRE
As I was saying --
BUT WILLIAM REELS HER IN BY HER OUTSTRETCHED HAND. MEANWHILE, JACK PICKS MARYELLEN UP AND CARRIES HER ACROSS THE FLOOR TO HONEY AND CHRIS'S SIDE.
MARYELLEN
(AROUSED) Jack, you beast!
HONEY GIVES CHRIS A NOD. HE BEGINS TO NIBBLE HER NECK.
HONEY
(SOTTO) I said nibble, not eat it.
JACK, INFLAMED, DANCES BRISKLY TOWARD THEM, KNOCKING OVER THE ELDERLY GROOM. HE PASSES BETWEEN CHRIS AND HONEY, PUSHING THEM APART.
HONEY
Okay, now. But not too hard.
CHRIS CRACK HIS KNUCKLES LIKE A PIANIST, AND CLAMPS BOTH HANDS ON HONEY'S REAR. HER EYES POP.
CHRIS
Uh-oh...
HONEY What's wrong?
CHRIS
I don't think I've got the strength of
character to let go.
JACK DROPS MARYELLEN, AND MARCHES TO HONEY AND CHRIS. JACK
I'm cutting in.
HONEY
Jack, I'm dancing with Chris, and I'm...
aiii! really enjoying myself.
JACK CAN TAKE THIS NO LONGER.
JACK
Get away from her, Carnegie! Honey's mine
and she always will be!
JACK WINDS UP AND PUNCHES CHRIS, WHO GOES DOWN. PEOPLE GASP. THE MUSIC STOPS.
MARYELLEN
Oh my God, Honey was right.
HONEY
I'm sorry everyone! Please go back to
enjoying yourselves!
BUT CHRIS, RISING, HAS LOST HIS MOUSTACHE AND GLASSES. HE'S STANDING NEXT TO THE BRIDE, WHO NOW RECOGNIZES HIM AND SCREAMS.
PHOEBE
Daddy! It's him! He's alive! MR. WEINSTOCK
You!?
WEINSTOCK PUNCHES CHRIS, WHO GOES DOWN AGAIN, THIS TIME KNOCKING OVER A TRAY OF FOOD. WEINSTOCK GRABS HIS CRYING DAUGHTER AND LEAVES. CHRIS GETS TO HIS FEET AND BARKS TO DEIDRE:
CHRIS
What are you staring at? Pick that up!
WILLIAM
How dare you speak that way to my fiancee?
WILLIAM SUCKER-PUNCHES CHRIS, WHO DOUBLES OVER.
CHRIS
(GASPING) Whaddya mean your fiancee? She's
one of my waitresses.
DEIDRE SHRIEKS IN HORROR AND TURNS TO MARTIN.
MARTIN
I should have known it was a pack of lies.
You haven't changed a bit. If you come
within a hundred yards of the Hotel, I'll
have you arrested.
HE MARCHES OUT. DEIDRE FAINTS INTO A CHAIR. WILLIAM FANS HER. THE OTHER GUESTS HAVE LEFT.
HONEY
Chris, I'm awfully...
CHRIS WAVES AWAY HER APOLOGY.
CHRIS (WHEEZES) Don't. It was worth it.
HE EXITS, BENT OVER. MARYELLEN AND HONEY ARE LEFT WITH JACK. HONEY TURNS ON HIM.
MARYELLEN
You used me. How could you?
JACK
I was desperate. I couldn't wait any
longer.
MARYELLEN
For what?
JACK
For Honey to come back to me.
HONEY
What makes you think I would ever come back
to you?
JACK
All the others did.
HONEY
Jack, I am not all the others.
JACK
I realize that now.
HONEY
You realized it about six months and a
busload of women too late. JACK
You know I'll be back.
HONEY
So will flu season, but I hear they can give
you a shot in the ass for that.
JACK EXITS, HONEY AND MARYELLEN COLLAPSE ON A BENCH.
HONEY
I'm sorry, sugar.
MARYELLEN
That's okay. He wasn't that great in the
sack anyway.
HONEY NODS IN AGREEMENT, THEN...
HONEY
Yes he was.
MARYELLEN
(SADLY) Yes, he was. Oh, the only thing I
really regret is how this affected our
friendship.
HONEY PUTS AN ARM AROUND MARYELLEN.
HONEY
Don't be silly. As friendships go, this was
just a very small bump on a very long road.
ANGLE: ON DEIDRE AND WILLIAM.
DEIDRE William, you were very sweet to defend me,
but I haven't been entirely honest with you.
I'm afraid I never intended to... is that a
Fitzroy & Bell shirt?
WILLIAM
Yes. They make them for me whenever I'm in
London. Or Paris, Geneva, Rome. You were
saying?
DEIDRE TAKES A LONG CALCULATING BEAT.
DEIDRE
How would you feel about going to the Hilton
instead?
FADE OUT.
*END OF ACT TWO*
TAG
FADE IN:
INT. EVENT ROOM - NIGHT (NIGHT 2) (HONEY, DEIDRE, DARBY, MARYELLEN)
LATE. HONEY, DEIDRE, DARBY AND MARYELLEN SIT IN THE DEBRIS OF THE PARTY, ALL BUT DARBY HAVING CHAMPAGNE. THEY'RE TIPSY AND RELAXED.
HONEY
Okay my turn. What's the most pig-ignorant
thing you ever saw a guy do?
MARYELLEN Okay. Here's mine. I once saw a man who I
assume couldn't reach the facilities in
time... pee in the clown mouth at a Mini-
Putt.
THE OTHER WOMEN ALL GO "EEWWW!"
HONEY
You see, I don't get that. Even if we could
do it, we wouldn't.
DARBY
Back in my "wild days," I decided to go
skinny-dipping in this pond, and a bunch of
boys came and sat on my clothes and wouldn't
leave.
HONEY
How'd you get out?
DARBY
Oh, eventually Mall Security came and moved
them along.
HONEY
I had a huge, fat uncle who ran an all-you-
can-eat restaurant, and to save money, he
used to dip himself in gravy and walk
through the dining room naked to put people
off their chicken. THEY LAUGH.
MARYELLEN
Why are men such pushy jerks?
HONEY
Oh, face it, if it wasn't for pushy jerks,
we'd all still be virgins.
THEY LAUGH AT THE TRUTH OF THIS.
DEIDRE
A traffic cop here in L.A, a young guy about
25, pulled me over for speeding and said
he'd forget the ticket if I'd had a quickie
with him behind an Angelyne billboard.
THEY LAUGH IN DISBELIEF, GOING TO THE DOOR.
MARYELLEN
My God! How much was the ticket?
DEIDRE
Oh, I have no idea.
AS THEY ALL LOOK AT DEIDRE, WE:
FADE OUT.