The Freaks vs. The Geeks Jason Gilbert

Basketball. A game played with such athleticism and intensity that you must be in a peak physical condition to contest. Which is why I am creating what could be one of the greatest, or also one of the most horrendous round ball matches of all time: The gang from It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia (The Freaks) vs. the brainiacs of (The Geeks). Let’s take a look at the lineups:

The Freaks: The Geeks: 1. PG‐Frank Reynolds‐5’ 1. PG‐‐5’5” 2. SG‐Charlie Kelly‐5’7” 2. SG‐‐5’7” 3. SF‐Dee Reynolds‐5’8” 3. SF‐Penny‐5’5” 4. PF‐Dennis Reynolds‐5’10” 4. PF‐Raj Koothrappali‐5’8” 5. C‐Mac‐5’10” 5. C‐‐6’1”

A matchup for the ages indeed. Who would win? Who would manage to even score a basket? How many injuries would be accumulated throughout the game? All these are valid questions to ask, and also, if you’re into gambling, great lines to place a wager on. My guess is that the score wouldn’t go anywhere above 30 points per team, and that’s being generous. Two teams without any skill, horrible conditioning, and little to no knowledge of the game itself. It’s going to be a blood bath, maybe, so let’s get it going and see how it all plays out. God help us all.

Point Guard Matchup:

Frank Reynolds vs. Leonard Hofstadter:

One manipulative 60‐something year old who likes drinking and money versus a nerdy scientist who barely knows anything about the world of sports. Even so far. The clear advantage we see is the height difference. Frank is listed at a mere 5 feet tall. That wouldn’t even cut it as a point guard in most youth leagues around the country. With a five‐inch height advantage, Leonard takes the slight lead. Leonard‐1 Frank‐0 Let’s look at Frank’s assets. He has none. He is a short, stocky, balding, drunk who probably couldn’t run a full‐court sprint if his life depended on it. He has no valuable skills, and this is both on and off the court. Although he can be quite handy to have around, Frank Reynolds is a slob who still hasn’t figured his shit out. Him on a basketball court would just be embarrassing to say the least. He did have a small stint as a coach, but his bookies gave him the boot very shortly after starting.

No points awarded to Frank. Now Leonard. Sweet, sweet Dr. Leonard Hofstadter: a physicist with a high IQ and a vast knowledge for many different things, not including sports that is. But as they say: with great power comes great responsibilities, and Leonard is the main threat as the point guard of the Geeks. His thought process is much higher than that of his opponent Frank. He has a major height advantage on him, and clearly is in better (but not by much) shape than him. Maybe he can’t dribble a basketball, but after awhile (say 4 or 5 seasons), it’ll all come in place for him. Glasses and all, Dr. Hofstadter wins the point guard matchup. Leonard‐2 Frank‐0. Winner=Leonard Hofstadter.

Shooting Guard Matchup:

Charlie Kelly vs. Howard Wolowitz:

A dimwitted bar gopher/waitress stalker who once refereed for a children’s basketball game, versus an intelligent, witty, “ladies man”, who once, we can assume, said the word basketball in a conversation he was eavesdropping in. This should be an interesting matchup indeed. Charlie, on one hand, has some aspects of athletic ability. While Howard on the other hand, exercises his thumbs and occasionally does a peeping tom session of yoga or palates. Even so far. Charlie‐0 Howard‐0. Charlie Kelly. What an inspiration to none. He is beyond illiterate and has no sense for normalcy, although, he does have a little pep in his step. Charlie is a man of many small words. He can’t dribble a basketball, or even make a layup for that matter, but his persistency and go getter attitude really gives him the spark he needs. I don’t know how he would prevail as the two guard for the Freaks, but he sure would provide the hustle and relentlessness their team would desperately need. Charlie‐1 Howard‐0. Now comes Howard Wolowitz. One thing he does have going for him are the flashy clothes he constantly wears, perfect attire for being a basketball star in today’s world. That also may be the only thing he has going for him though. He has no room being anywhere near a basketball court. The fact that cheerleaders are majorly creeped out by him is only the start of it. His uncoordinated style is very much a dagger to the heart in giving him any chances of being any major contributor to the team. He might be a good player if the ball itself was actually a martini and the game they were playing was drinking and failing at picking up women. Charlie‐1 Howard‐0. Winner=Charlie Kelly. Small Forward Matchup:

Dee Reynolds vs. Penny:

Ah finally. The matchup we’ve all been waiting for. THE CHICKS!! What grace and awe we would see as we watched these two goddesses back each other down in the post. Oh the imagery! Dee vs. Penny. Penny vs. Dee. The thought of this makes me want to change the whole angle to just focus entirely on this matchup right here. It’s going to be a tough choice, but one must come out a winner. One point awarded to me for creating such a spectacular battle. Dee‐0 Penny‐0 Jason‐1. Sweet Dee Reynolds, the butt of all the jokes for the freaks’ squad. She’s quirky, spastic, and full of enthusiasm. She once tried out for the Philadelphia Eagles so she has to have some athletic ability, to some extent. She prances around the bar and tries so hard to fit in. Trying to play the small forward role for her team can provide one of the greatest challenges in her life (besides birthing a child of a transsexual). She has a good height advantage on Penny and has a lot of aggressiveness pent up inside of her. Throwing elbows and possible hair pulling are only some of the cheap shots she will throw, but they will be useful and undetected. Dee‐1 Penny‐0 Jason‐1 Penny. Penny. Penny. In all honesty, looks aside, I can imagine Penny being the superstar of the Geeks. She’s the only one on the entire court with any kind of athleticism. She is from Nebraska. Her football background gives her the kind of attitude needed to be a winner. Penny would not only be a great small forward for this team, but also a great distraction. She is a waitress at , a very deadly kryptonite for Charlie (who loves waitresses and cheese). She is gorgeous, which would lead Dennis to be all over her, possibly foul out immediately, and entice Dee to get in a jealous fit of rage. She has it all. She can lead this team to victory as long as she stays off the wine, and her and Leonard don’t start to bicker. Three points awarded to our modern day wonder woman and the victory. Dee‐1 Penny‐3 Jason‐1. Winner=Penny. (I will gladly take this loss) Power Forward Matchup:

Dennis Reynolds vs. Raj Koothrappali:

A solid matchup here with Dennis verse Dr. K. Dennis being the cocky, slim and lanky 5’10” power forward for the Freaks, and Raj being the token Indian scientist who went to cricket camp as a child and got laughed at and made fun of. Here he is now in America playing a game he has pretty much no reason being a part of. Dennis is a tough cookie though. What he can bring to the table is much enthusiasm and an overconfident attitude to attempt a victory for his squad. Advantage Dennis

Dennis‐1 Raj‐0. Dennis Reynolds, the team’s arrogant asshole. He believes he can do anything he can put his mind to and that he will always be the best. He has a long frame, which could lead to a handful of rebounds and an easy opportunity for back‐down layups in the paint. He believes more in himself than anyone else believes in him at all. He has a strong will, and with that, could create a lot of chances for his team to be winners. Dennis‐2 Raj‐0. And here we have Raj Koothrappali; A quiet‐Indian doctor who can’t talk to women to save his life, or better yet his basketball skills. There is no doubt in my mind that Raj would be the least likely player to be the hero. His national sport is cricket, and he can’t even play that well. He came to America to study and to be an astrophysicist. His “bromance” and connection with Howard could lead to a few assists and possible points, but mostly out of sheer luck. Raj doesn’t have the height or the build to contest against Dennis, so consider him a non‐factor in this game. Sorry Raj, but unless you have some alcohol in you, you have no chance in hell of being any kind of contributor to the Geek squad. Dennis‐2 Raj‐0. Winner=Dennis Reynolds. Center Matchup:

Mac vs. Sheldon Cooper:

Here we are now at our final and possibly most interesting matchup. Unfortunately for Mac, Sheldon has a three‐inch height advantage on him, but unfortunately for Sheldon, Mac is fierce, beefy, and has the look of a bully that would have picked on Sheldon as a kid (and as an adult as well). Sheldon has actually attempted to play basketball before. He was fighting a fellow co‐worker for the rights to an office they both wanted. Let’s just say he won because he can bounce a ball higher than his opponent. I’m going to go ahead and award Mac the first point just to make things as exciting as they can be. Mac‐1 Sheldon‐0. Mac is the strong type, so he thinks. He has a stocky build and can easily man handle Sheldon however he wants. He is the big man on his team. His strength alone could carry himself well, although he does throw a few cheap shots here and there. That could be a positive though. He loves nerd bashing and Sheldon is the perfect target. He won’t let Sheldon get an inch on him. He is way superior on a basketball court than his opponent and has more athletic ability as well. Mac could be the answer for the Freaks. Feed the ball to every time and watch as he makes Sheldon curl up in the fetal position out of pure fright. Two points awarded to Mac for his dominating personality and his proper nerd bashing skills.

Mac‐3 Sheldon‐0. And finally we have Dr. Sheldon Cooper. If he were on a real basketball team, he would be the statistician, but would become confused with a simple thing such as what a point is and why they are moving so fast. I have seen him play before and it wasn’t pretty. His dribbling skills: poor. His shooting technique: awful. His defense: pathetic. His athletic ability: slim to none. Sheldon Cooper is the epitome of people who should never ever play basketball in their entire life. With that said, he does have one thing going for him. He is 6’1” tall. He is the tallest on the court could be a major factor if he is all alone, underneath the basket and has three or four tries to make it. If he can manage to score a basket once in awhile, there could be some hope for the Geeks, but we all know that is highly unlikely. I will award Dr. Cooper one point, but it is strictly out of pity for him and the rest of his team. Mac‐3 Sheldon‐1. Winner=Mac. Freaks vs. Geeks Matchup:

The final tallies are now in. The Freaks have a slight one‐point advantage over the Geeks, 7‐6. It’s a close call. Both teams have their positives and both have plenty of negatives. Let’s say we play the game to 21 by ones and twos. It would be a long ass game indeed. We would need plenty of timeouts and water breaks to keep our “athletes” hydrated and ready to go. The Freaks have Frank. He is a major distraction and a major let down for the entire team. I would say he is just a step above worthless. Dennis and Mac would really have most of the workload. They are the big men down low and have to be ready to rumble. They must be the tough and gritty frontcourt that keeps the team in check. Sweet Dee and Charlie are there mainly to laugh at everyone else and make Penny feel wildly uncomfortable. Their skills are below par, but that is still a step above what their opponent’s is. If they stick together, they might have some kind of a chance, but there is always the possibility of them collapsing and fighting each other on the court allowing the Geeks to get their scoring chances. How fitting.

The Geeks are all about science. They couldn’t care less about the way basketball is played. They bring almost nothing to the table, but can tell you the trajectory of a shot in no time at all. Useless. Their team is going to have to put in a lot of work if they want to stand any kind of chance and not be totally embarrassed out of the gym. If Penny can muster up her corn‐husker spirit just for the time being, she might be considered the savior. Sheldon needs to drop the know‐it‐all attitude and focus in his superior brain for this game to allow himself to learn basketball as best as possible. If Leonard keeps his cool and doesn’t try to kill his teammates with every chance he gets, we might be able to see a major upset in the making. Just by the numbers alone, The Freaks would be the overall winners of this matchup. I mean its science. It really is ALWAYS sunny in Philadelphia.

Winners: The Freaks from It’s Always Sunny In Philadelphia.