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Learning an Ethics of Commitment: a Scholarly Personal Narrative About Creating a Community and Family of Choice

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Learning an Ethics of Commitment: a Scholarly Personal Narrative About Creating a Community and Family of Choice University of St. Thomas, Minnesota UST Research Online Education Doctoral Dissertations in Leadership School of Education 5-2015 LEARNING AN ETHICS OF COMMITMENT: A SCHOLARLY PERSONAL NARRATIVE ABOUT CREATING A COMMUNITY AND FAMILY OF CHOICE Gay L. Grymes Follow this and additional works at: https://ir.stthomas.edu/caps_ed_lead_docdiss Part of the Education Commons LEARNING AN ETHICS OF COMMITMENT: A SCHOLARLY PERSONAL NARRATIVE ABOUT CREATING A COMMUNITY AND FAMILY OF CHOICE A DISSERTATION SUBMITTED TO THE FACULTY OF THE SCHOOL OF EDUCATION OF THE UNIVERSITY OF ST. THOMAS ST. PAUL, MINNESOTA By Gay Lanell Grymes IN PARTIAL FULFILLMENT OF THE REQUIREMENTS FOR THE DEGREE OF DOCTOR OF EDUCATION May 2015 ii UNIVERSITY OF ST. THOMAS, MINNESOTA Learning an Ethics of Commitment: A Scholarly Personal Narrative about Creating a Community and Family of Choice We certify that we have read this dissertation and approved it as adequate in scope and quality. We have found that it is complete and satisfactory in all respects, and that any and all revisions required by the final examining committee have been made. Dissertation Committee ______________________________________ Kathleen M. Boyle, Ph.D., Committee Chair ______________________________________ Stephen D. Brookfield, Ph.D., Committee Member ______________________________________ Barbara Allen, Ph.D., Committee Member ______________________________________ Final Approval Date iii ACKNOWLEDGEMENTS I am grateful to so many people who supported me in one way or the other while I committed to this very inwardly focused dissertation. Many did not know they were the foundation on which I wrote. Without them, the people in my stories and my life, I would not have had the opportunity or the privilege to write my story, and for that I am immeasurably grateful. Dr. Kathleen Boyle, advisor, professor, chair, guided me throughout this four-year journey, from beginning to end. I was never more grateful than during this last writing spurt. When I needed her most, Kate was there, to help root out the evils that seemed to creep stealthily into my writing and to help hone the story I was trying to share. Dr. Stephen Brookfield, professor, and kind committee member, helped me begin to dare to write my own story and encouraged me to continue after my first rough attempts. I began to understand and believe, through Stephen, that personal stories can be scholarly, meaningful, and universally useful. I am so happy and thankful that this most demanding writing of my life benefited by Dr. Barbara Allen’s careful scholarship, close reading, engaged insight, and recommendations for future work. Dr. Karen Klein swooped in at the tail end of this process and did her best to do a close to final edit on these pages. This was a tedious but essential task for which I was extremely grateful and relieved. To my University of St. Thomas cohort 25, you were the best. I could not have chosen better mates to embark on this educational journey with. I missed you after classes ended and I still miss you. To the faculty who guided us along the way, thank you for your patience and attention. You helped make these four years very well spent. iv Without my biological family, I would not be here. I thank and honor my mother and father for my life, for keeping me healthy, for loving me, and for teaching me the importance of trying to be a good person. Despite our difficult times and disagreements, we have had some good times, too. To my two grandmothers, now deceased, I am eternally grateful for your being there for me, for providing generous respite, for thinking I was capable, and for teaching me valuable lessons, like how to drive, grow vegetables, and be kind. To my grandfathers, thank you for doing your best, for remaining committed, in what was often a difficult and hostile world, and for teaching me to value hard work. Thank you to my auntie, for giving me another adult to look up to, and another model to follow. To past lovers and partners, there were good and bad times, but without your interaction, I would have not had an opportunity to grow and learn to become a better person, an ongoing process. To my chosen family and my dear friends along the way, you saved my life and made it meaningful. You gave me support and helped me learn the importance of friendship, love, and commitment to others. You provided much of the rich content of this project and my life. I am so grateful that I have known you. To my partner, thank you, thank you, thank you, for hanging in there, listening to me kvetch, and listening to my insecurities, and for hearing more about marriage, lesbian-feminism, and queer theory than you ever wanted to hear. Thank you for your wisdom and advice though I sometimes had a hard time hearing it. I appreciate and love you. I am grateful for your being in my life, your support, your love, and commitment. Growing old is a gift and I am so excited that we will be growing older together. v ABSTRACT Gay Grymes LEARNING AN ETHICS OF COMMITMENT: A SCHOLARLY PERSONAL NARRATIVE ABOUT CREATING A COMMUNITY AND FAMILY OF CHOICE Using a Scholarly Personal Narrative (SPN) methodology, this study began as an exploration of marriage and its impact on lesbian identity, community, and relationship. What ultimately emerged was a study that considered how living a life excluded from the cultural context of legal marriage prompted learning an ethics of commitment and creating a community and family of choice. Personal story provided perspective and lesbian, feminist, and queer theories provided an initial framework for analysis. In addition, theories of community and relationship informed reflections moving from specific to general. This study is based on the views of one lesbian living and loving, beginning in the closets of the 1970s through the current day of marriage expansion. Marking a moment in civil rights history to legalize same-sex marriage, the study found that lesbians, gay men, bisexuals, and queer people, despite current differences about the rationality of pursuing legal marriage, have created love and family throughout their lives. Through personal experiences, many have consequently discovered universal principles about commitment, community, and family even without marriage. Though important and symbolic of broader “acceptance,” a focus on marriage with its social benefits is not enough to achieve full equality and civil rights for sexual minorities. Further lesbian, gay, and queer reflections and interpretations are needed to add to the lessons and ethics of commitment of this lesbian and continue expanding equality within the larger cultures and communities. Keywords: lesbian marriage, lesbian identity, lesbian community, lesbian relationship, same-sex marriage, commitment, ethics, relationship, community, families of choice vi ©2015 Gay Grymes ALL RIGHTS RESERVED vii CHAPTER ONE: BACKGROUND FOR THE STUDY .......................................................................... 1 Significance of Study and Research Questions ........................................................................................ 6 About My Use Of The Rainbow Acronym .............................................................................................................. 7 Why Marriage? .................................................................................................................................................................. 8 Overview of Study .............................................................................................................................................. 9 CHAPTER TWO: METHOD MATTERS .............................................................................................12 Scholarly Personal Narrative (SPN) ......................................................................................................... 12 Pre-search ........................................................................................................................................................................ 21 Me-search ......................................................................................................................................................................... 24 Re-search .......................................................................................................................................................................... 24 We-search ......................................................................................................................................................................... 25 Conclusion .......................................................................................................................................................... 27 CHAPTER THREE: IDENTITY MATTERS ........................................................................................29 Essential Sexuality .......................................................................................................................................... 30 Historical and Cultural References........................................................................................................... 34 My Traditional Family ................................................................................................................................................. 35 Parents. ...............................................................................................................................................................................................
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