CAMPUS SPOTLIGHT Charlize Filbin sleeping, drooling girl at the FAC EDITOR-IN-CHIEF David Strauss But soft! Mine eyes must be whilst I need to print a paper Turn-ons: not having to get minority study groups, study buddies FEATURES EDITOR Bradley Jackson fries with your Wendy’s combo, who are just a bit too excited to be whispering unto me the most for philosophy. I would wake NEWS EDITOR Kathryn Edwards fantastic of falsehoods, for it thee, but I shall wait instead, for diet Red Bull, all-nighters, flannel study buddies, looking presentable could not be thee, O sleeping, I would sooner fail a thousand pants, headbands, side ponytails, DESIGN EDITOR Matt Hutcheson your ex-boyfriend’s sweatshirt, Motto: “(Snort), what...are you talk- drooling FAC girl, the perfect hu- philosophy papers, and endure ing to me?” PHOTO EDITOR Veronica Hansen man form beneath a tent of flan- the tempestuous gall of my Old Navy flip-flops, flexible-framed glasses, procrastination, sound- ART EDITOR Chris Friend nel and elastic waistbands. embittered TA’s than wake the proof headphones, Thine behalo’d head rests amidst supernal, drooling DeMilo half not giving a shit ASSOCIatE Sara Kanewske the ruins of your #6 Wen- supine before me. Behold, thine anymore EDITORS Stephen Short dy’s combo, sitting hair adorned in grease and PUBLICITY Sabrina Abdulla Turn-offs: at computer V2 tangles, with spectacles Erica Grundish all askew—be still my waking up beating heart! Sleep with desk Sara Nienkerk soft, my salivating lines on your WRITING staFF Mike Faerber seraphim, whilst I go face, loud typists, Kelsey Lamb swiping your ID after get a Rockstar and Ross Luippold some M&M’s. I shall 10 p.m., reading in gen- eral, due dates, showers, Austin Presley wait seven score for the janitors vacuuming Laura Schulman thine eyes to awaken. around your feet, loud DESIGN staFF Mark Estrada ADMINIstratIVE Henry Baker ASSIstaNTS • It’s time to scrape your “Kinky for Governor” • The new American Apparel will target emaci- Kathryn Beasley bumper sticker off your ’94 Ford Ranger. Why ated hipsters, people who object to Urban Out- Jacqueline Fitzgerald the hell not? fitters’ child labor practices, and Drag customers Jon Neal around • Hey, UTC bomb threat dude, shit or get off the who just plain like pictures of big ol’ asses. Michael Prohaska pot. • Snooty English majors will point out inaccura- David Schwartz • People who ride their bikes on the sidewalk are cies in the ‘Beowulf’ movie, and then graduate Greg Smith on your left, dude. and make lots and lots of money. campus CARTOONIST Lesley Dixon • Don’t fucking sit next to me, queef. There are • Hilarious guys in Dobie will punch through the five empty rows ahead of us. ceiling tiles as asbestos floats through the air, • Your Ugg is untied. while Dobie girls be chattin’. • Aggies’ incessant accusations that Austin is • Nobody admires you for pronouncing ‘gyro’ • People who complain about the holiday season composed of nothing but ‘peace-loving hippies’ CONTACT correctly. starting earlier every year are probably just too and ‘T-sips’ will come to a close when a few of PHONE 512-471-7898 • Telling your Latin American Studies professor to poor to afford Christmas. them get lost in an East Austin ghetto. EMAIL [email protected] “shut up” loudly in the middle of class does not • Hey, hot girl! Feel free to emasculate me in front • A freshman will have a life-changing epiphany WEB www.texastravesty.com make you the King of Spain... or does it? of all your slutbag friends anytime! I enjoy our about God, science, and the nature of mankind MAIL Texas Travesty • UT Austin • The guy playing sudoku in the Union is doing platonic friendship! after seeing a debate in the West Mall. Mean- P.O. Box D • Austin, TX 78713 unspeakable things to you in his mind. • After multiple indiscretions last weekend, while, the guy sitting next to you is masturbat- • Students from broken homes will whine about promiscuous girls will realize that binging and EDITORS EMERITUS ing to stay awake. having to have two Thanksgivings while ignor- purging won’t shrink that gut for the next nine Kevin Butler Trevor Rosen • Environmental activist douchebags will protest 1997 2001-2003 ing the homeless on the Drag. months. Santa’s use of non-renewable coal in stockings. Brad Butler Todd Nienkerk 1997-2000 2003-2005 Ben Stroud Kristin Hillery VOLUME 9 • ISSUE 7 2000-2001 2005-2006 LEGALESE 1 DECEMBER 2007 The Texas Travesty is the student humor pub- 40acres411 lication at the University of Texas at Austin, published monthly by the permanent and Well guys, the semester is wind- places. Smalls for unpaid late fees. She contributing staff. The Travesty is a work of ing down and finals aren’t the only But the chess club weren’t the took him all the way from shelves (hopefully) humorous fiction. Except where public figures are involved, characters are not things coming fast. Just ask biology only ones with trouble capturing the S to M in the P.C.L. stacks after based on any real person. Any resemblence to major George Stanford’s girl- hours this past weekend. Looks like any persons living or dead is coincidental. The queen. Stanley Felps’ ill begotten views expressed in the Travesty do not reflect friend Stacey Bullocks! Appar- plans to lure Kappa Kappa Phi so- the books weren’t the only things the views of Texas Student Publications, the ently, a heavy course load wasn’t bound by leather that night! University of Texas at Austin or pretty much rority president Leah Thompson anyone. All material printed is property of the the only thing George blew off into his Carothers’ fold out bed fell Speaking of getting whipped, the Travesty. The Texas Travesty is not intended for early. It’s okay Georgie, as long as readers under 18 years of age, regardless of through last Thursday night—the H.E.B. on Red River was coinci- the pretty pictures. you’re still pre-med, it’s okay to be Roofies he scored had an adverse dently sold out of all their canned pre-mature. reaction to his sweaty palms. Silly whipped cream the same night as SHOUT OUTZ TO... On the subject of unexpected arrivals, Mike LaGrange’s parents Stan, they melt in her mouth, not in Liberal Arts junior Marshal Sand- got a little surprise last weekend your hand! Looks like the only thing er’s post Thanksgiving Day party. when they showed up a bit early Stanely was able to take advantage Who needs Reddi-Whip on pump- Contentious vaginas; Matt’s family; fucking quitters; of that night was an empty dorm kin pie when you can have a nice deed to Thej’s house; Happy B-day Stu; We were for parent’s weekend. It wasn’t just good in the sound check; Camping!; Chris’ Facebook; Mike and his girlfriend they caught room and an uninhibited southpaw. Whip-It high? It’s not like there’s gossip all the time; new designers be dedicated; oh in a compromising position, but On that note, you really have to much difference between brain yeah, Happy Birthday Rachel; Jews be networking; hand it to librarian Gretchin Hawk Big P is the guy to go to; Joel, Bobby, & Kevin; Good half of the UT chess club—with damage and a Liberal Arts degree ol’ Fritz; Waffle House directions; Country Diner; everyone’s bishops in all the wrong who punished student Jonathan anime fanatic boyfriends; congrats TOP for one year; anyway. Like what we’ve done with the place? prank; Matt’s car predictions; driving to Trudy’s; dancing at Trudy’s; Sports!; black people like Big Bird; Zak is not l337 Cartoons All I Want for Stuart Stutzman Alyssa Peters Mark Estrada DECEMBER @ Sonic; go home for the holidays; doing less work Chris Friend XMas Alyssa Peters Madlibs Christmas Story than usual; Chris sucks; hot-ass rooms for some rea- Leslie Dixon Thejaswi Maruvada Sara Shih Megan Jackson Sara Shih Best Of Cover sons; hibited; Meyers-Briggs tests; There’s too many 2007 Laura Ryan Alyssa Peters Matt Hutcheson of them!; Or should I say, Darth Sidious?; Now I’m Centerspread Mark Estrada Cover Writer’s Strike going to his wedding Chris Friend Veronica Hansen Freudian Slip Ross Luippold CREDITS Mark Estrada Dating Advice Mark Estrada Jon Neal Thejawsi Maruvada © 2007 Texas Travesty. All rights reserved. Circulation: 25,000 RECONSIDERINGAMUSING OURSELVES THE RELATIONSHI SINCE 1997 P SINCE 1997 NEWS • 3 Air traveler so pissed off at 9/11 right now Thejaswi Maruvada Mancini believes McCormick’s griev- STAFF WRITER ances were unfounded. NEW YORK — United Airlines flight “So that broad said, ‘I’m gonna 1090 passenger Kayleigh McCormick smoke my cigarettes on this flight,’ expressed her displeasure with the and I said ‘eyyyyyy, come on, fagged- events of September 11, 2001, dur- aboudit — capisce?” said Mancini as ing a recent trip to New York by he sprinkled fresh Parmesan cheese claiming that extra security measures on his Mama’s spaghetti during his taken by the Transportation Security lunch break. Mancini continued, “I’m Administration to protect Americans walkin’ here!” from terrorist threats ruined her travel Flight attendant Karen Postell experience. agreed that McCormick’s actions were “I was hoping to have a nice week- unwarranted. end with my Marky-poo,” explained “She stood up in the middle of the McCormick, who was traveling to aisle — while the seat belt light was on, Manhattan to visit her boyfriend, Mark mind you — and begin ranting about Weirman. “But nooooo — 9/11 had to how she wanted to kill whoever caused come along and screw everything up.” 9/11,” said Postell as she restocked seat McCormick cited numerous incon- pockets with the latest issue of Sky veniences caused by airport security Mall.