CAMPUS SPOTLIGHT

Charlize Filbin sleeping, drooling girl at the FAC editor-in-chief David Strauss But soft! Mine eyes must be whilst I need to print a paper Turn-ons: not having to get minority study groups, study buddies FEATURES editor bradley Jackson fries with your Wendy’s combo, who are just a bit too excited to be whispering unto me the most for philosophy. I would wake NEWS EDITOR Kathryn Edwards fantastic of falsehoods, for it thee, but I shall wait instead, for diet Red Bull, all-nighters, flannel study buddies, looking presentable could not be thee, O sleeping, I would sooner fail a thousand pants, headbands, side ponytails, DESIGN EDITOR matt Hutcheson your ex-boyfriend’s sweatshirt, Motto: “(Snort), what...are you talk- drooling FAC girl, the perfect hu- philosophy papers, and endure ing to me?” PHOTO EDITOR Veronica Hansen man form beneath a tent of flan- the tempestuous gall of my Old Navy flip-flops, flexible-framed glasses, procrastination, sound- ART EDITOR Chris Friend nel and elastic waistbands. embittered TA’s than wake the proof headphones, Thine behalo’d head rests amidst supernal, drooling DeMilo half not giving a shit associate Sara Kanewske the ruins of your #6 Wen- supine before me. Behold, thine anymore editors Stephen Short dy’s combo, sitting hair adorned in grease and PUBLICITY Sabrina Abdulla Turn-offs: at computer V2 tangles, with spectacles Erica Grundish all askew—be still my waking up beating heart! Sleep with desk Sara Nienkerk soft, my salivating lines on your writing staff mike Faerber seraphim, whilst I go face, loud typists, Kelsey Lamb swiping your ID after get a Rockstar and Ross Luippold some M&M’s. I shall 10 p.m., reading in gen- eral, due dates, showers, Austin Presley wait seven score for the janitors vacuuming Laura Schulman thine eyes to awaken. around your feet, loud design staff Mark Estrada

administrative Henry Baker assistants • It’s time to scrape your “Kinky for Governor” • The newAmerican Apparel will target emaci- Kathryn Beasley bumper sticker off your ’94 Ford Ranger.Why ated hipsters, people who object to Urban Out- Jacqueline Fitzgerald the hell not? fitters’ child labor practices, and Drag customers Jon Neal around • Hey, UTC bomb threat dude, shit or get off the who just plain like pictures of big ol’ asses. Michael Prohaska pot. • Snooty English majors will point out inaccura- David Schwartz • People who ride their bikes on the sidewalk are cies in the ‘Beowulf’ movie, and then graduate Greg Smith on your left, dude. and make lots and lots of money. campus CARTOONIST Lesley Dixon • Don’t fucking sit next to me, queef. There are • Hilarious guys in Dobie will punch through the five empty rows ahead of us. ceiling tiles as asbestos floats through the air, • Your Ugg is untied. while Dobie girls be chattin’. • Aggies’ incessant accusations that Austin is • Nobody admires you for pronouncing ‘gyro’ • People who complain about the holiday season composed of nothing but ‘peace-loving hippies’ contact correctly. starting earlier every year are probably just too and ‘T-sips’ will come to a close when a few of phone 512-471-7898 • Telling your Latin American Studies professor to poor to afford Christmas. them get lost in an East Austin ghetto. email [email protected] “shut up” loudly in the middle of class does not • Hey, hot girl! Feel free to emasculate me in front • A freshman will have a life-changing epiphany web www.texastravesty.com make you the King of Spain... or does it? of all your slutbag friends anytime! I enjoy our about God, science, and the nature of mankind mail Texas Travesty • UT Austin • The guy playing sudoku in the Union is doing platonic friendship! after seeing a debate in the West Mall. Mean- p.O. Box D • Austin, TX 78713 unspeakable things to you in his mind. • After multiple indiscretions last weekend, while, the guy sitting next to you is masturbat- • Students from broken homes will whine about promiscuous girls will realize that binging and editors emeritus ing to stay awake. having to have two Thanksgivings while ignor- purging won’t shrink that gut for the next nine Kevin Butler Trevor Rosen • Environmental activist douchebags will protest 1997 2001-2003 ing the homeless on the Drag. months. Santa’s use of non-renewable coal in stockings. Brad Butler Todd Nienkerk 1997-2000 2003-2005 Ben Stroud Kristin Hillery volume 9 • issue 7 2000-2001 2005-2006 legalese 1 december 2007 The Texas Travesty is the student humor pub- 40acres411 lication at the University of Texas at Austin, published monthly by the permanent and Well guys, the semester is wind- places. Smalls for unpaid late fees. She contributing staff. The Travesty is a work of ing down and finals aren’t the only But the chess club weren’t the took him all the way from shelves (hopefully) humorous fiction. Except where public figures are involved, characters are not things coming fast. Just ask biology only ones with trouble capturing the S to M in the P.C.L. stacks after based on any real person. Any resemblence to major George Stanford’s girl- hours this past weekend. Looks like any persons living or dead is coincidental. The queen. Stanley Felps’ ill begotten views expressed in the Travesty do not reflect friend Stacey Bullocks! Appar- plans to lure Kappa Kappa Phi so- the books weren’t the only things the views of Texas Student Publications, the ently, a heavy course load wasn’t bound by leather that night! University of Texas at Austin or pretty much rority president Leah Thompson anyone. All material printed is property of the the only thing George blew off into his Carothers’ fold out bed fell Speaking of getting whipped, the Travesty. The Texas Travesty is not intended for early. It’s okay Georgie, as long as readers under 18 years of age, regardless of through last Thursday night—the H.E.B. on Red River was coinci- the pretty pictures. you’re still pre-med, it’s okay to be Roofies he scored had an adverse dently sold out of all their canned pre-mature. reaction to his sweaty palms. Silly whipped cream the same night as shout outz to... On the subject of unexpected arrivals, Mike LaGrange’s parents Stan, they melt in her mouth, not in Liberal Arts junior Marshal Sand- got a little surprise last weekend your hand! Looks like the only thing er’s post Thanksgiving Day party. when they showed up a bit early Stanely was able to take advantage Who needs Reddi-Whip on pump- Contentious vaginas; Matt’s family; fucking quitters; of that night was an empty dorm kin pie when you can have a nice deed to Thej’s house; Happy B-day Stu; We were for parent’s weekend. It wasn’t just good in the sound check; Camping!; Chris’ Facebook; Mike and his girlfriend they caught room and an uninhibited southpaw. Whip-It high? It’s not like there’s gossip all the time; new designers be dedicated; oh in a compromising position, but On that note, you really have to much difference between brain yeah, Happy Birthday Rachel; Jews be networking; hand it to librarian Gretchin Hawk Big P is the guy to go to; Joel, Bobby, & Kevin; Good half of the UT chess club—with damage and a Liberal Arts degree ol’ Fritz; Waffle House directions; Country Diner; everyone’s bishops in all the wrong who punished student Jonathan anime fanatic boyfriends; congrats TOP for one year; anyway. Like what we’ve done with the place? prank; Matt’s car predictions; driving to Trudy’s; dancing at Trudy’s; Sports!; black people like Big Bird; Zak is not l337 Cartoons All I Want for Stuart Stutzman Alyssa Peters Mark Estrada december @ Sonic; go home for the holidays; doing less work Chris Friend XMas Alyssa Peters Madlibs Christmas Story than usual; Chris sucks; hot-ass rooms for some rea- Leslie Dixon Thejaswi Maruvada Sara Shih Megan Jackson Sara Shih Best Of Cover sons; hibited; Meyers-Briggs tests; There’s too many 2007 Laura Ryan Alyssa Peters Matt Hutcheson of them!; Or should I say, Darth Sidious?; Now I’m Centerspread Mark Estrada Cover Writer’s Strike going to his wedding Chris Friend Veronica Hansen Freudian Slip Ross Luippold credits Mark Estrada Dating Advice Mark Estrada Jon Neal Thejawsi Maruvada © 2007 Texas Travesty. All rights reserved. Circulation: 25,000 RECONSIDERINGamusing ourselves THE RELATIONSHI since 1997 P since 1997 NEWS • 3 Air traveler so pissed off at 9/11 right now Thejaswi Maruvada Mancini believes McCormick’s griev- Staff Writer ances were unfounded. NEW YORK — United Airlines flight “So that broad said, ‘I’m gonna 1090 passenger Kayleigh McCormick smoke my cigarettes on this flight,’ expressed her displeasure with the and I said ‘eyyyyyy, come on, fagged- events of September 11, 2001, dur- aboudit ­— capisce?” said Mancini as ing a recent trip to New York by he sprinkled fresh Parmesan cheese claiming that extra security measures on his Mama’s spaghetti during his taken by the Transportation Security lunch break. Mancini continued, “I’m Administration to protect Americans walkin’ here!” from terrorist threats ruined her travel Flight attendant Karen Postell experience. agreed that McCormick’s actions were “I was hoping to have a nice week- unwarranted. end with my Marky-poo,” explained “She stood up in the middle of the McCormick, who was traveling to aisle — while the seat belt light was on, Manhattan to visit her boyfriend, Mark mind you — and begin ranting about Weirman. “But nooooo — 9/11 had to how she wanted to kill whoever caused come along and screw everything up.” 9/11,” said Postell as she restocked seat McCormick cited numerous incon- pockets with the latest issue of Sky veniences caused by airport security Mall. “Her seatback and tray table were that led to her irritation towards Sept. not in their upright position when we 11. were landing — she really was out of “They wouldn’t let me carry on her mind.” my razor — which I was going to McCormick claims she remembers use to shave my legs in the lavatory. the “good times,” before the country ■ McCormick realizes she should have left her Acme bomb at home.Photo/Travesty My legs were all prickly and gross was plunged into great depths of grief when my sweetums picked me up and despair, and when air travel was at JFK,” lamented McCormick, who enjoyable. to open her peanut bag because TSA friend upon arriving in New York, arts and crafts session with the pilots,” was also forced to hand over a pair of “If 9/11 hadn’t happened, my snoo- agents confiscated her scissors. “But McCormick was detained by JFK complained McCormick as she sat nunchuks, which she was bringing as a kums could have been waiting for thanks to dumb old 9/11, we couldn’t police officers for questioning because handcuffed to a chair in a cold, damp gift for Weirman. “Ugh. Why couldn’t me with hugs and kisses at the gate. d o t h at .” of her actions on the flight. interrogation room. “I really hope 9/11 have happened after I went on We would’ve been the happiest cou- McCormick added, “9/11 is like one “I really don’t understand why I George Bush can win the war on ter- this trip?” ple in the whole wide world,” said of the worst things ever.” can’t walk up to the cockpit with my ror so I don’t have to go through this Airport security officer Frankie McCormick as she struggled mightily Rather than seeing her boy- box-cutters to have an impromptu again.” Study: Vaginas are gross Ross Luippold blogger Melvin Schneider from a associate editor midtown Manhattan coffee bistro. “Every single time I have sex with CAMBRIDGE, Mass. — An exhaus- a vagina — which I do a lot — I’m tive study meticulously investigated thinking the whole time, ‘having sex by Harvard University biologists has with a vagina is the best thing ever,’” concluded that the female vagina, explained Schneider, who has also long considered a source of mystery blogged extensively on Basic Instinct and occasional pleasure, is quite dis- and Georgia O’Keeffe. “I could gusting. probably be a gynecologist, because “The puzzlement of female genita- whenever my penis is having sexual

lia has confounded mankind for gen- Genitals Weird of Possession Breakdown of Why Vagi- intercourse, the woman is always erations,” wrote Dr. John T. Ashman, all like, ‘Ooh, your sexual skills are who co-authored the report. “Why *Graph information nas are Gross People with People without unmatched by my other sexual part- do men seek it out? Is it simply from SCIENCE Vaginas Vaginas ners! I particularly enjoy the manner instinct to seek out a mate with in which you stimulate my clitoris and whom procreation is most enjoy- flesh and tissue, yet somehow pos- “the vulva is often omitted from clas- frequently; however, the number sess otherworldly qualities that often sic artistic works, and there’s damn diminished to 36 percent when actu- Gräfenberg spot!’” able? More importantly, why the hell Schneider then asked any “hot would anyone ever want to go near induce primitive behavior such as good reason for it. I mean, have ally touching the “dank, clammy pub fights, abandonment of personal you seriously ever seen one of these orifice,” and a solid zero percent ladies” at an adjoining table to check one of those things?” out his Match.com profile. Added Dr. Ashman: “The most hopes and dreams, and eyeballs pro- things? Even well-kept labias look after ejaculation. The leading cause truding out of their sockets when a like a premature infant’s mouth with of the marked decrease of interest in While some are wary of the generous thing we can say about the report, Ashman feels that the public vagina is that it’s a mixed blessing.” beautiful woman is sighted. a cold sore.” vaginas was the crude appearance, However, the new study deter- The study, which sampled a ran- the foul odor, the unfriendly user will come to accept his proposition. Harvard scientists had conclud- “Maybe women will imitate men’s ed in their 1999 report, Breasts: mined that males’ attraction to mam- dom selection of heterosexual men, interface, and/or a combination of mary glands is equally as confusing surveyed how frequently the sub- all three. infamous genital hygiene. The penis Awesome, But Why? that the female — now there is a good, clean, model body is a baffling conundrum of bio- as their longing to touch a vagina. jects desired contact with a vagina. But not all are in agreement with logical parts that men can intellectu- “While breasts are at least aesthet- Eighty percent of those polled claim the controversial report. genitalia.” ally recognize are nothing more than ically pleasing,” Dr. Ashman writes, to “strongly desire” vaginal contact “Vaginas are sweet,” retorted good relations with the wookiees i have. NEWS • 3 4 • news texastexas travesty travesty •december • APRIL 2007

4 • news www.texastravesty.com RECONSIDERINGamusing ourselves THE RELATIONSHI since 1997 P since 1997 NEWS • 5

uninhibited? why not hibited? NEWS • 5 6 • news texastexas travesty travesty • december • APRIL 2007 Newly ordained Everyone out to get local paranoiac priest obviously SAN ANTONIO, TX — Paranoid recalled Norton over the phone from conspiracy theorist and unemployed an undisclosed location. “However, ad-libbing claims adjuster Herbert Norton con- after I showed him the acrostic in the CHICAGO — Newly appointed pas- firmed Monday that “everyone is out April ’07 issue of Redbook that were tor at St. Anne Catholic Church Father to get [him].” actually secret orders to put sugar in Gregory Hyatt was caught veering from Norton has experienced increas- my gas tank, he changed his tune.” Scripture during last Sunday’s 10:30 ingly far-fetched delusions since being Norton’s alleged persecutors also a.m. mass. laid off in August, but recently stated include the Chinese government and Throughout the early service, Hyatt he has evidence to support his claims. the Hewlett-Packard Corporation. fumbled several prayers, occasion- “When I first told my doctor about “I always have to keep moving,” said ally added or removed entire sentences how the stoplights on the I-10 access an out-of-breath Norton. “But it’s been from liturgical texts and mumbled in- road are timed to keep me from get- difficult to change locations ever since coherently through several lines of the ting anywhere on time or how Bexar the cashier from Tasty Wok started Sanctus acclamation. County is hiring Mexicans to cut in cutting my brake lines — oh no, I’ve ■ Norton, concerned about the “He even messed up the Nicene line at Wendy’s, he said I was crazy,” said too much.” Photo/Travesty spiders in his brain. Creed,” complained congregation mem- ber Kathy Jacobs. “His version went something like, ‘We believe in one God, Narcissistic man masturbates to himself the Creator of all — uh, stuff — and … FAR WEST — Economics junior knocked over a box of tissues lems in their relationship. Jesus! And Jesus, as we all know, is — David Winfield discovered his and a collection of photographs “Normally when I sleep with uh, the best. And what’s the deal with roommate Matt Brening mas- depicting post-workout Brening, him, he yells his own name while Satan? I mean, like anyone could beat turbating to pictures of himself Brening standing in front of the climaxing,” complained Buer. God! Satan … here he comes. So watch Thursday evening. Eiffel Tower, and Brening waiting “One night I walked out after he out, children, he’ll chew you up. He’s a “When I walked through the patiently in line for Sylvester Stal- grabbed a photo of himself and maneater. Oh, and Jesus will come again front door I saw Matt hunched lone’s autograph. feverishly attempted to tape it to to judge the living dead, and His king- over the couch, gently thrust- Unfortunately, Winfield is not my face.” dom will have no end. Amen.’” ing toward a picture of himself the only one who has observed Brening was unavailable for Father Hyatt also omitted blessing wearing a Halloween gladiator his roommate’s self-centered comment due to a tenacious the Body and Blood of Christ before costume.” behavior. Brening’s girlfriend, need to remove the “extraneous” the Eucharist was dispersed, forcing all In a hurried effort to shield Cassie Buer, has determined his members of his immediate fam- Catholics in attendance to ingest un- his eyes, Winfield reportedly narcissistic nature creates prob- ily from last year’s holiday card. transubstantiated bread and wine, effec- tively banning all present from Heaven.

6 • news www.texastravesty.com 7 • FEATURES texastexas travesty travesty • december • APRIL 2007 All I Want for X-Mas Dear Santa,

Just as I don’t believe in an omnipresent “God,” I realize you probably don’t exist. I find it hard to believe that you are able to travel Dear Santa, to billions of homes within one night using simply a sleigh pulled Dear Mister Nicholas, I’m so ugly. And fat too. Every day, I have by flying reindeer. But hey, your to look over at San Jacinto with its “Ooo existence is more likely than a magic I’m so new and pretty! All the boy dorms being in the sky. So I am writing Hey Santa-boo, let me cut to the chase. I’m not going wanna have sex with me!” attitude, you on the off chance you can get to lie, I have been a naughty girl this year and all I while the stadium is getting remodeled, me a Spectrophotometer so I can AGAIN. Gregory has the new pool, Dobie check the absorbance spectrum of want for Christmas is you, you big, rosy, sexy man. I is looking at me from down the road my peptides. My last UV-Vis was can hardly wait for you to slide down my chimney and with its stupid glass and freshly-painted not accurate enough to validate check my list twice. We can forgo the milk and cookies scaffolding, but I’m just a big brown blob. my numerous conjectures and I’m this fucking close to developing an hypotheses that would throw the because I have a warm treat that I think you might eating disorder. I’ve been here since religious zealots into an existential like better. Mmmmm. I promise I won’t tell Mrs. 1969 for God’s sake — how about some crisis. renovation? Can I get a pool on the Claus if you don’t. And while you’re here, if I could roof, or at least some bigger windows? Sincerely, also get a new webcam so I can send you some hot videos The rise in tuition each semester should easily cover it, and after years of being year round, that would rock really hard. filled with a bunch of ungrateful freshman Dear Santa, bastards who like to throw up in my Muah baby, hallways and clog my shower drains with Now I know that we’ve been friends for a pubic hair, it’s about time I got something. long time, and roommates for even longer, Candice Harding I deserve it. but this is just getting retarded. Every year Sincerely, I see more of your face plastered on plastic P.S. Could you make me not pregnant? Jester inflatable decorations while my votive candles stay on the shelf. That’s messed up, and we both know it. Remember that you’re not the only omnipotent being around, and I was here first, you eggnog-guzzling slavemaster. Plus, those tacky lights you Dear Resident of North Pole, for our low interest put up are hell on the electric bill, which I’m ! You have been pre-approved STILL waiting to be reimbursed for. CONGRATULATIONS credit card! All you have to do is fill out the enclosedfinancial form freedom and two page questionnaire and you’re on your way to Have you ever wanted to travel around the Clean up the act, Jesus and great rewards! , now you can! With every dollar you spend world? Well, Mr. Claus Don’t delay! Start saving you will accumulate more and more miles. P.S. Merry Christmas Local racist: ‘I’m not a racist’ Jeopardy! to kill someone AUSTIN — Local mechanic and he was “just sayin’.” it is,” has provided evidence against 49-year-old racist Ed Hodgeson Although Millard first believed accusations of racism, offering his off for fall sweeps prefaced a bigoted remark with a that Hodgeson was making an iron- frequent dining at Taco Bell, enjoy- BURBANK — Producers of the pop- Johnny Gilbert give death threats in denial of personal racism Tuesday ically racist statement to cleverly ment of Rush Hour 3, and a casual ular syndicated quiz show Jeopardy! the form of a question? Or will a mem- evening. lampoon the subtle marginalization African-American acquaintance have announced that they will attempt ber of the Clue Crew endure a horrible “Look, I’m not a racist or nothin’, of minorities in America, he then from junior high. to boost the show’s Nielsen ratings by accident while trespassing on ancient I’m just sayin’ — the more Mexicans remembered Hodgeson’s blanket After silently validating his open- promoting the untimely death of an Babylonian burial grounds?” that come over the border, the more statements that “all stereotypes are mindedness with Hodgeson’s xe- unknown contestant or crew member. Blake declined to comment wheth- regular people like us get screwed,” 100 percent true” during their mu- nophobia, Millard slept guiltlessly Jeff Blake, Vice Chairman of Sony er host Alex Trebek himself could be Hodgeson commented over a tual employment as waiters, as well that night in his upper-middle-class Pictures Entertainment, announced in the victim, but noted that the show beer with his friend Joe Millard, a as his vicious tirades against Cana- home, which minorities and women a press conference, “The current writ- is still recovering from “the mustache 36-year-old investment banker. dians. with skills equal to his own would be ers strike means that programs like debacle,” and hinted that one to three After making the statement, Hodgeson, who believes that unable to afford. Jeopardy! are more popular than ever, more exclamation points may be add- Hodgeson clarified once again that most people are afraid to “tell it like and we plan on shaking things up a ed to the show’s title to bring in the “24 bit. Will audiences hear announcer demographic.” 7 • FEATURES www.texastravesty.com RECONSIDERINGamusing ourselves THE RELATIONSHI since 1997 P since 1997 features • 8 June Cleaver Gives Dating Advice! Ashley Olsen fills in for crying

Dear June, Dear Playful, down the aisle and filled up with your twin sister on set of Weeds My boyfriend thinks it would be I love this question! Trying out babies in no time. really hot if we had a threesome, but different furniture arrangements HOLLYWOOD — Ashley Ol- “We like to have Ashley on the sen was forced to replace her twin sidelines in case Mary-Kate throws I’m a little bit scared — it’s my first is always a good idea, but if your Dear June, time. What are your thoughts? husband doesn’t like what you’ve What does it feel like to be in love? sister, Mary-Kate, on the set of the one of her tantrums,” explained Mi- Sincerely, done, change it back immediately! Sincerely, Showtime series Weeds when Mary- siano as he gently patted Ashley on Nervous in Nevada Men work so hard all day and de- Lovelorn in Louisiana Kate began sobbing uncontrollably the head. “Ashley is so much more serve comfort in their home. Don’t because she “made a doodie in her well-behaved than Mary-Kate. She’s Dear Nervous, push your beds together, though. Dear Lovelorn, underpants.” such a good girl, isn’t she? Who’s a A woman has to know her place, A threesome? Ah, young love. I’ve been with Mr. Director Christopher Misiano good girl? Who’s a good girl?” Why, I especially in the bedroom, and Cleaver since I was sixteen, and when claims that Mary-Kate, who plays When Ashley is unavailable, always you don’t want to be a hussy. Just he put his class ring on my finger the role of Tara, incessantly “gets Misiano manages by entertaining encourage remember these tips, and you’ll be and told me I was his “number one my boys to walking down the aisle and filled up gal,” the feeling was just super-duper. pouty” when she is around a large Mary-Kate with a game of peek-a- invite over with his babies in no time. That feeling was love, and that day group of people or when her mother boo or impressions of her favorite another play- was the best day of my life. It’s even is out of sight. cartoon characters. mate so that Dear June, better than the first time Mr. Cleaver they can have I have feelings for my best friend’s gave me an advance on my allowance a threesome on mom. It seems kinda wrong, but I to buy a new vacuum. When you sunny afternoons. can’t stop thinking about her. What feel like you’ve found the person for When Beaver, Wally, and Eddie should I do? whom you want to scrub floors for Haskell have a threesome, those Thanks, the rest of your life, that’s boys won’t stop until 9 pm or so! Crushing in Cranston love. I’ll scrub Mr. As my husband says, the more the Cleaver’s floor merrier! Greet your new friend with Dear Crushing, until the day I die. a smile and express sincerity in your Awww, it’s wonderful that you I only wish that I desire to please your boyfriend, and have such a deep appreciation for could once again you’ll be walking down the aisle and motherhood. You must be a fine walk down the filled up with his babies in no time. young man. I think you should go aisle and get straight over to this mother’s house filled up with Dear June, immediately and show her exactly his babies. My boyfriend and I have been experi- how you feel, but make sure to menting in the bedroom. What can we show the same affection to your do to take it to the next level? own mother as well. Perhaps you Thank you, can have a “threesome” with them Playful in Pasadena just like Playful in Pasadena. When a girl finds out the respect you display your elders, she’ll be walking

Class Notes E-Mail Madlib!

Dear ______enthusiasts, professor of class Hey ______,I just wanted to check and see if anyone could ______plural noun adverb email me the notes from ______, considering I’ve been out with ______. See favorite season rare terminal disease what happened was, I was on a mission trip to ______to spread the good word of exotic vacation spot ______and a(n) ______stricken with ______bit me in the ______. So type of religion type of insect common ailment body part then the local medicine man treated me with a ______, but it turns out I’m still dying. power tool Even if it kills me, I want to learn everything there is to know about ______, class subject matter because as much as I really ______all of you guys, I love ______sooo much more! verb class subject matter This would really help me out, even though I probably won’t even be alive in ______days number anyway. And just so you know, I have a(n) ______in the class, so you can count on me to give letter of the alphabet you the notes from any days that you miss because of your ______or ______. And STD hobby who knows, maybe we could pretend to be ______plural noun: recent vocabulary word from class and go get some ______with all of my ______buddies. Holla’ back y’all! type of food nationality Sincerely, ______“______” ______first name above rare terminal disease last name

Go Sports! features • 8 9 • FEATURES texastexas travesty travesty • december • APRIL 2007RECONSIDERING THE RELATIONSHIP since 1997

Until film and television producers reach a settlement Are writers really necessary? with Hollywood’s top scribes, the Writers Guild of Without professional writers to create scripts for the America has ceased producing new work to protest season’s hottest shows, many programs are forced to the lack of reimbursement for DVD and Internet continue production with stories written by non-union revenue. We collected some documents circulating writers. Here are summaries of upcoming episodes of amongst top media in- some of America’s favorite shows. siders that give some CSI perspective on how By Hollywood Producers the entertainment in- The team investigates a TV writer/murderer/child pornog- dustry is responding to rapher whose reign of terror has reached all corners of the strike. the country. He burns down a Wal-Mart, a proud spon- sor of CBS, and when consumers are forced to shop at other retailers without the low, low prices of Wal-Mart, a national outrage against the dastardly criminal sparks. Al- though he remains at large from the law, the writer ac- cidentally leavesbehind evidence: a typewriter with an un- finished screenplay intact.W hen the DNA samples are first examined, the investigators are led to the Church of Satan, where the writer spends most of his time sacrificing the blood of the innocent. But the High Priests redirect the team to the writer’s parents’ basement, where he sleeps. After capturing him, the team celebrates with a night full of country clubbing, donating to the Giuliani campaign, and compulsive yacht purchases.

Ugly Betty By Bertha McCormick, ABC Cafeteria Lady Betty decides that the glamorous world of fashion isn’t for her, and follows her true passion: the rewarding voca- tion of mass-servicing the culinary needs of Luby’s patrons. Suddenly, Betty is the most stunning female ever to en- ter the profession. She quickly rises through the ranks of cafeteria workers, and when her old nemesis Wilhelmina Slater, comes to work at the same Luby’s, their rivalry is reignited! But when Wilhemina fails to serve the correct portions of Salisbury Steak and creamed corn, Betty takes advantage of Wilhemina’s moment of weakness and shows off her hairnet management skills. She finally sweeps the Lunchies, the most prestigious award for lunch ladies.

The Office By Online Fan Fiction Authors After finally canoodling with Pam, Jim cannot hide his se- cret any longer—that he is actually the Mighty Xartron, a Sector Five Warlord of the Zarp Empire. While Pam is at first shocked, she agrees to return to his home planet, where she will be his queen. But Mulder and Scully have other plans for the happy couple. In an X-Files crossover, the FBI Special Agents visit Scranton to stop Jim, but Scully is turned to a quivering mess when she first sets sight on Jim’s rock-hard abs and pert lips. It has been so long since she has been with a man... so long since she has felt the warmth of a stalwart body to extinguish the fiery de- sires that burn within her soul. Back at the office, Dwight is awarded the Presidential Medal of Valor, and Kevin be- comes the new drummer for They Might Be Giants.

9 • FEATURES www.texastravesty.com texas travesty • APRIL 2007RECONSIDERINGamusing ourselves THE RELATIONSHI since 1997 P since 1997 features • 10

Are writers really necessary? THURS 12/6 7:00p NBC WED 12/5 Without professional writers to create scripts for the “30 Rock.” All season’s hottest shows, many programs are forced to 6:00p COM new episode. continue production with stories written by non-union What’s the writers. Here are summaries of upcoming episodes of difference between some of America’s favorite shows. “Dane Cook Primetime Laugh star/writer Tina CSI Barrel.” No writers? No problem! Fey, currently on By Hollywood Producers Dane Cook has perfected the art of strike, and some “borrowing” other peoples’ material. The team investigates a TV writer/murderer/child pornog- brunette wearing Special guests Carlos Mencia and Robin rapher whose reign of terror has reached all corners of glasses? Nothing! Williams. One hour. the country. He burns down a Wal-Mart, a proud spon- 30 minutes. sor of CBS, and when consumers are forced to shop at other retailers without the low, low prices of Wal-Mart, a 7:30p 8:00p 8:30p 9:00p 9:30p national outrage against the dastardly criminal sparks. Al- NBC though he remains at large from the law, the writer ac- ICU: The Real ER Eating with Famous People Critical Point Sofa Time cidentally leavesbehind evidence: a typewriter with an un- finished screenplay intact.W hen the DNA samples are first CBS Baby Nation Return of the Nightwatchers The Next Great American examined, the investigators are led to the Church of Satan, where the writer spends most of his time sacrificing the ABC Show! & Tell! Who Wants to be a Non-Unionized Writer?! Death Watch! Desks Ahoy! blood of the innocent. But the High Priests redirect the team to the writer’s parents’ basement, where he sleeps. YouTube Channel Cats Playing Instruments (Part I of II) Cats Playing Instruments (Part II of II) After capturing him, the team celebrates with a night full of country clubbing, donating to the Giuliani campaign, and compulsive yacht purchases. Scrubs Redubbed Because of the writer’s strike, one of NBC’s most popular shows, Scrubs, is in jeopardy of not completing its final season. To cope, the producers are searching Ugly Betty for non-union writers to finish the show. Here is the template used by the original writers for Scrubs. By Bertha McCormick, ABC Cafeteria Lady

Betty decides that the glamorous world of fashion isn’t J.D. (VOICEOVER) for her, and follows her true passion: the rewarding voca- [General expositional narration about insecurities in relationships, professional career, etc.] tion of mass-servicing the culinary needs of Luby’s patrons. ELLIOT Suddenly, Betty is the most stunning female ever to en- J.D. enters Sacred Heart Hospital, and performs action that is both GOOFY and [Problem that is seemingly unique, but relates to troubles of at least two other ter the profession. She quickly rises through the ranks of BOYISHLY CHARMING. characters.] cafeteria workers, and when her old nemesis Wilhelmina J.D. Slater, comes to work at the same Luby’s, their rivalry is J.D. (CONT’D) [Reference to previous/current romantic relationship] reignited! But when Wilhemina fails to serve the correct Hey Turk! [Comedic banter about quirky portions of Salisbury Steak and creamed corn, Betty takes ELEMENT to their friendship] JANITOR/TED/THE TODD/OTHER MINOR CHARACTER advantage of Wilhemina’s moment of weakness and shows [Does something secondary and unimportant] off her hairnet management skills. She finally sweeps the TURK ANYONE [Agreement. Speaks in tone of black guy Lunchies, the most prestigious award for lunch ladies. [Medical reference to remind who was raised in WHITE NEIGHBORHOOD viewers of hospital setting] but attempting to act black.] The Office By Online Fan Fiction Authors J.D. HAZILY looks to sky. Flashback to previous occurrence that demonstrates SOBERING EVENT occurs. Cue minor chord arpeggio on acoustic guitar. said quirky ELEMENT. After finally canoodling with Pam, Jim cannot hide his se- J.D. (VOICEOVER) cret any longer—that he is actually the Mighty Xartron, Seeing [event] made me think about [common twentysomething problem. TURK (CONT’D) Relates problem to other character’s current dilemmas in sprawling, a Sector Five Warlord of the Zarp Empire. While Pam is [Comment that draws IRE of CARLA] profound montage with background indie music, at first shocked, she agrees to return to his home planet, perhaps by The Fray]. where she will be his queen. But Mulder and Scully have CARLA [IRE] TURK other plans for the happy couple. In an X-Files crossover, [Resolves dispute with CARLA.] the FBI Special Agents visit Scranton to stop Jim, but Scully TURK is turned to a quivering mess when she first sets sight [Apology] CARLA on Jim’s rock-hard abs and pert lips. It has been so long [Ends IRE. Kiss, or something like that.] since she has been with a man... so long since she has felt CARLA [Continued IRE] the warmth of a stalwart body to extinguish the fiery de- sires that burn within her soul. Back at the office, Dwight DR. COX is awarded the Presidential Medal of Valor, and Kevin be- [Sarcastic, cynically condescending RANT about J.D.’s lack of masculinity and professional competence, concluding with sincere fatherly tone] comes the new drummer for They Might Be Giants. CUTAWAY to alternate reality where something OUTLANDISH and ZANY occurs

www.texastravesty.com if earwigs go in your ear what about cockroaches? features • 10 11 • OPINION texastexas travesty travesty • december • APRIL 2007 Grandma, your green bean casserole tastes like shit eled Virginia Slim into my eyes. outdoors into the crisp, autumn After repeatedly burning me with air and toss the ol’ pigskin around your cigarette as we rock back- with your brothers and uncles. and-forth in an uncomfortable But my brothers are dead — to embrace, you usually comment on me. how much weight I’ve gained, how Before I observed you baking I never call you every hour-on- your “special recipe” last year, I the-hour, or how many “Coloreds” didn’t realize molded Luby’s din- have moved in your neighborhood ner rolls and cat litter constituted lately. Despite how offensive I find cornbread. With every bite I felt your hygiene and attitude towards several years of life being drained minorities, I’m more disgusted by from my soul. I would refuse to your Thanksgiving cooking. eat, but an absence of food in my You ruin a supposedly un- mouth would mean I’m forced to ruinable holiday merely by setting converse with you about Cracklin’ foot in the kitchen. Every year Oat Bran coupon-clippings. you’re responsible for countless Grandma, I’m not the only fam- grease fires, cutting board mis- ily member who feels this way. haps and Thanksgiving turkeys Mom and Dad choke down your Kevin Hodge so mistreated, they could have gruel and tell you it’s superb with grandson been in Michael Vick’s backyard. a shit-eating grin. Aunt Lydia Not to mention your green bean secretly takes her plate to the dog, Boy, it’s that time of year again, casserole — I had no idea kidney which upon seeing it gets excited Grandma! I just love driving 18 beans, mayonnaise and cigarette as if he spotted a turd. Uncle hours non-stop to Ohio with my ash qualified as ingredients. Lance has ceded to scraping his anxiety-prone mother and shell Most American families have portion onto my plate in plain- of a father for another wonderful lovely grandmothers who dotingly sight of your withered body. Thanksgiving meal. And by love, I prepare the most wonderful feast But I’ve had enough half-frozen mean despise, and by wonderful I every Turkey Day. There’s a juicy, sweet potatoes with powdered mean fucking shitty. succulent bird, moist and flaky gravy, thank you. From now on, Every year it’s the same damn cornbread, and stuffing that’s to I’m going to tell you just how thing. I knock on your door and die for. You may even get a pip- shitty your cooking is. Bon ape- you merrily greet me with a thick ing hot pumpkin pie afterwards, tite, bitch! cloud of smoke from your shriv- if you’re lucky. Then you venture Um…DUUUUUUUUUH! Jared Pierce things all the time because I’m a smarter than you retard. I think that JCL doesn’t serve chicken fried steak sometimes. Blah Are you serious? Did you really blah blah a-durrr durrrrr.” That’s just ask that question? Um… DUH! what you sound like. Of course they’re serving chicken Sometimes I wonder how you fried steak at JCL today. You’re a have any other friends. Oh, no freakin’ idiot for asking that ques- DOYYY! You don’t have any other tion. friends. I’m all you’ve got. You’re Helloooooo! Earth to Carlos! Is lucky I’ve been nice enough to hang anybody in there? Are you high out with you since we got out of high right now? Did your mom drop you school. Without me your life would on your head when you were a baby suck way more than it already does. or something? “WAAAAAH, I don’t have any In case your stupid brain forgot, friends because I have horrible acne. let me remind you how this works. I’ve never kissed a girl in my entire We go down to JCL. We take a life because I smell like ass most of look around at our options. We the time. I spend all my time on for chicken today.” We go down to the phone with my ugly-ass mom Healthy Choice, but nothing looks “Without me your life who has hemorrhoids. WAAAAAH. too appetizing. Then we go over to WAAAAAH.” would suck way more Country Fixin’s, and voila! There’s Quit crying, bitch. than it already does.” some delicious chicken fried steak Next time you want to ask a just waiting to be eaten. It’s like that stupid question, think about how every day, Carlos. dumb you’re about to sound. I really go by Pecan Street Chicken, and Every goddamn day. hate you sometimes. Let’s go eat, say, “Hmm… I’m not in the mood “My name is Carlos. I say stupid buddy.

11 • OPINION www.texastravesty.com RECONSIDERINGamusing ourselves THE RELATIONSHI since 1997 P since 1997 OPINION • 12 Get the fuck on board Sam Schwartzkoff 40 Acres Bus Driver I have the best job in the world. Because everyday I get to wallow in the failures of everything I’ve done. As I stare into the faces of you college students high on the marijuana while your Converse sneakers step onto my bus, I feel you stomping on my soul. I would have loved to attend college, and I would have been better at it than you. Back when I had my whole life ahead of me, I was a genius in high school, with a 3.0 GPA and an esteemed position as treasurer of the Key Club. Even though I was a shoo- in to attend ITT Tech and DeVry University, once I found out that I could make a whopping 25 grand a year as a full-time bus driver, I said sayonara, escuela! And here I am, 40 years later — a unionized bus driver. And no, I can’t “hook you up” with a free bus pass. meaning. Look at you, running at me, when I didn’t spend nine hours a day Every morning I wake up and stare flailing your arms with no regard as to sitting in this uncomfortable chair for at my closet full of regulation uni- how stupid you look, hoping I’ll stop hours on end listening to conversa- forms, and I die a little inside. It everything and pick you up. I think tions about how drunk you were this reminds me that I have to face all you now is a good time to teach you: We weekend — no, let me make you more fancy college students wearing the don’t always get what we want, now comfortable. season’s hottest new fashions, pro- do we? Fuck you, with your “thank yous” viding more ammunition to snicker Also, whenever I pull the lever and as you depart my motorized fortress behind my back — which I know slam the door in your face, I can’t help — I know I mean nothing to you. you do. but crack a smile. Really, you think I can’t tell false grati- But it doesn’t bother me. I guess What’s that, it’s a little bit too hot tude? Think you can hide your pride one perk of decades in public trans- in the bus? Poor baby. I’m sorry, let that you had a “family” who taught portation is the immunity to human me adjust the temperature so that you “manners?” Well you can’t. Plus, emotion I’ve developed. you, for 30 seconds, can be happy. I I’m 15 minutes late to my next stop. How I envy you — you’re still oper- remember when I thought the world Too bad — I guess they’ll just have ating under the guise that life has revolved around me. That was back to wait.

That’s what she said!!!!!! HA! HA! Ha! Ha! Ha. OPINION • 12

RECONSIDERINGamusing ourselves THE RELATIONSHI since 1997 P since 1997 NEWS • 14

let’s race for the cure for shinsplits. NEWS • 14 15 • FEATURES texastexas travesty travesty • december • APRIL 2007 Perot briefly considers ‘04 campaign before returning to steak DALLAS, TX — Billionaire businessman Responds to and part-time politician H. Ross Perot briefly entertained the thought of running W I M spam e-mail for President again in 2004 as he paused O I L momentarily between chews during din- S Carpe per diem — seize the check! Yes I .:?< ner last week. B L A sir, I’d like to accept your offer for the Subj: From the deskR of Engr. Sadiq AbaatN He vacillated while taking a sip of water, money. You’re probably so rich that you considering the fact that he would easily Dear Sir, don’t get crabs, you get lobsters. It’s like have more than enough money to finance We are sending this letter to you based on information gathered from the foreign trade office of the Ed McMahon just showed up at my door a third campaign without doing much Nigerian Chamber of Commerce and Industry. We believe that you would be in a position to help us with a giant check and his prize patrol fundraising. in our bid to transfer the sum of forty-one million, five hundred thousand dollars ($41.5m usd) into brigade. Dr. Evil cries out, “One million Mulling over the hassle of making all a foreign account. dollars!” Well, I suppose if I fly out of the those line graphs yet again while he sa- country to get this money I’ll probably This time around we need a more reliable and trustworthy person or a reputable company to do vored his mouthful of premium short loin business with, hence this letter to you, so if you can prove yourself to be trusted and interested look like a terrorist: “Will you be steak, Mr. Perot reached reflectively for a in this deal then we are prepared to do business with you. What we want from you is the sitting armed or unarmed?” saltshaker. He then swallowed, resolving to assurance that you will let us have our share when this amount of us$41.5m is transferred Meanwhile, the president stay out of the race this time around, and into your account. This transaction is 100% safe. is being asked all kinds of sliced into his Porterhouse once again. questions by the media, and Please treat as urgent and very confidential. all he can say is, “Can I use Suicide note dry-erased a lifeline?” Best regards to you. CAMPUS — An anguished farewell was Engr. Sadiq Abaat. wiped clean from RA Jessica Pena’s door- mounted marker board early Sunday Subj: ENhance your manhood ++++asdfadk morning before anyone had a chance to .:?< read it. The alleged eraser, Misty Clarkson, 19, was returning home intoxicated when she Penis enlargement? Couldn’t afford it with this health-care system. All you need for a penis spotted the board and decided it would be enlargement is to watch the Janet Jackson superbowl video. The president probably saw that video a good opportunity to showcase her inebri- and said, “I’ll stop those weapons of mass destruction!” His dad’s saying, “Read my tits.... I mean lips! No new taxes!” Slick Willy, smoking a stogie saying, “Monica was hotter than that.” Why get a penis ated wit. enlargement when I could just stuff my 1999 Oscar for best supporting actor in my britches? Not noticing the grim message left by Oscar’s a gay name. If Oscar were a real person he’d probably cut hair for a living. her suicidal hallmate, Clarkson supplanted the painful goodbye with a string of mis- Subj: FREE Cruise by visiting spelled swear words and an invalid phone www.freecruisesnotatrick.com.net .:?< number. Charges of negligence will not be .:?< filed as the student’s self-destructive plans were thwarted by an uplifting “ur the grat- Set sail to the land of the free! Leonardo DiCaprio yells, “I’m the king of the est” comment on her weblog. Subj: See the Cabaret of Furry Kitties world!” but not until the captain goes, “Argghhh! There be an iceberg ahead, & Shaved Beavers! CLICK HERE L> maties!” People freak out and jump off the side of the ship. “S.O.S! Save our Bush declares war on atmosphere screenplay!” Dr. Kevorkian is standing in the operating room saying, “Your Shaved beavers? Well I’ll be dammed! Yes, life sure is a heart won’t go on!” KEY LARGO, FL — Less than 48 hours cabaret. Liza Minnelli comes out dancing and singing, and after a series of hurricanes laid siege to the then Judy Garland rolls over in her grave to do one last Florida coast, killing dozens and leaving line of coke: “I don’t think we’re in Kansas anymore, Toto!” Subj: Turn back your body’s millions without power, President George biological clock 10 years! Bush today held a news conference an- .:?< Seen on NBC, CBS, CNN, and even Oprah! A major health discovery that nouncing his plan to declare war on the actually reverses aging awhile burning fat, without dieting or exercise! And atmosphere and “put an end to meteoro- it’s 100% Guaranteed! Click Here logical terrorism.” #1Doctor Formulated HGH Bush decried the attacks and vowed to * Enhance sexual performance punish those responsible. “Our freedoms * Remove wrinkles and cellulite and liberty make us a target of hatred and * Restore hair color and growth bitter envy the world over. Because of this, * Strengthen the immune system we cannot predict when or by whom at- * Increase energy and cardiac output * Rejuvenation of body and mind tacks on our soil will be perpetrated,” Bush * Revitalize Heart, Liver, Kidneys + Lungs said. “We are currently in the process of Get 2 Month Supply Of HGH Free! CLICK HERE bringing to justice the terrorist killers re- sponsible for the carnage in Florida.” Secretary of State Colin Powell, in a special presentation to the U.N. Security .:?< Tick, tick, tick, DING! “What time would Council this afternoon, cited a junior high you like to go through puberty today, sir?” says the conductor. “ALL ABOARD!” If you natural science textbook to implicate the turn back the clock far enough you’d look atmosphere as the terrorist entity respon- Subj: FREE Next generation smilies ^^^ @pple iPod GIVEAWAY!!! like Drew Barrymore from E.T. The alien’s sible for the hurricanes. “According to both saying, “Phone home, but not with these Mr. Houghton and Mr. Mifflin,” Powell long distance rates.” They should send this explained, “the troposphere is the atmo- Next generation smilies? Next generation Joan Rivers, it’s like — that’s why she’s so well preserved. Marion Barry sniffing e-mail to Anna Nicole Smith’s husband: “This spheric layer in which weather is formed.” formaldehyde ­ is way better than Viagra! Now I’ll only look Powell concluded by saying he would not crack saying, “Bitch, set me up!” You know, like Teletubbies going, “OO- 60 years older than my wife.” The German rule out the possible collaboration between may, hehehe.” Let’s go sign up for premium cable. No one wants iPods. doctor’s like, “Vell, Herr Smith, zings are the troposphere, al-Qaeda and Saddam Gay burglars broke into Lorena Bobbit’s house — they rearranged the looking up.” BOING!! Hussein. furniture. You’ll notice Dick Cheney never drinks water when Bush speaks. 15 • FEATURES www.texastravesty.com RECONSIDERINGamusing ourselves THE RELATIONSHI since 1997 P since 1997 NEWS • 16

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Mary Kate & Ashley Get High Mary Kate & Ashley Do Some and Play Grand Theft Auto Fucked Up Shit to a Hobo The girls have a smokin’ good time when they pick up Mary Kate and Ashley don’t give a fuck who you are. some sticky icky from Vincent, the dreamiest dank They’ll fuck you up without thinking twice, bitch. Do dealer in town! But when he pops in GTA: San An- you want to test their mettle, motherfucker? They’ll dreas, the girls put down the unicorn one-hitter and take a cinder block to your pinche face. Oh, so you’re pick up their controllers. Too high to drive back to poor, huh? Your only home is the sawdust-filled car of their matching palatial estates, the adorable duo learn a freight train? You’ll be begging for more than change how to steal cars that aren’t as cool as their Audi A8s. when they’re working you over with a washboard and sizzling jumper cables.

Mary Kate & Ashley Awaken Mary Kate & Ashley Interview Jodie Mothra Through Song Sweetin for the Housekeeping Job When the egg of Mothra washes up on shore, it’s up to In the midst of a playful cocaine fight in the kitchen, two singing faeries to retrieve it before Godzilla burns Mary Kate and Ashley hear a feeble knock on the front it to a crisp! Unfortunately, the faeries are picked off door. Whoever could it be? Why, it’s buck-toothed by a spree killer, leaving Mary Kate and Ashley to take Stephanie from Full House, and boy has she seen bet- their place! Can their familiarity with Lost in Transla- ter days. Their hearts aching over her extensive facial tion help them adapt to weird-ass Japanese culture? scarring and inexplicable tendency to say everything Will a boom mic the length of four Buicks mysteriously three times, the twins pour her a bowl of milk and appear in the upper left-hand corner of the shot during a pity-hire her as their housekeeper! First task: grab a climactic battle? The answer to that last one is: probably! straw and clean the kitchen. How rude!

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pcs know what you do at night. macs do it with you. NEWS • 16 17 • FEATURES texastexas travesty travesty • december • APRIL 2007

          What’s relationship           your    type? The Inseperable Couple   The Physically Disproportionate Some say love is the joining of two souls; if Couple (King Kong Syndrome) so, then it truly is a beautiful thing. But when such merging creates a four-legged, two- He’s the lumbering giant who treads care- headed abomination that saps the charm out fully among us; she’s the wee spitfire who of every conversation and pets itself — heav- resents being asked where her mommy is. ily — in public, then love takes a horrific turn. Society may have its rude questions (e.g., “Is Not that hanging out with this symbiotic cou- that his little sister or his kidnapping vic- ple isn’t entertaining: If one strays from the tim?”), but this pairing finds comfort in the other for any longer than five minutes, they fact that, were they ever to be averaged, the turn on each other like lab rats driven mad by result would equal one normal person. the cage that is their relationship.   The Assertive Feminist The Couple Whose  & Pussy-Whipped Bitch Cliques Are at War

You may scoff, but this breed of boyfriend And you thought Romeo and Juliet had prob- really does care about womyn’s rights. No, lems. Try being the star football player with seriously, he does. And don’t get him started a secret love for the president of the Math on the rhetorical slavery known as gender- Honors Society. He has problems tackling this related pronouns. He even appreciates the dilemma as she tries to calculate how to make Vagina Monologues, finding it a “brave, brazen it work. With so many parabolems, he thinks declaration of female empowerment.” On a about running back to the head cheerleader. completely unrelated note, he also loves the Will Euclid’s arrow penetrate his defense or is steamy nights of ass-slapping, marathon sex this an equation for disaster? that he has with his feminist girlfriend. The “We Can Fit into Each   The “Half-Committed Other’s Clothes!” Couple Promise Ring” Couple

Living together will make life so much easier He’s a devout Mormon waiting for marriage since they’ll be able to share one closet. Let’s and she’s a devout tramp waiting for oral. hope for the both of them he never leaves it. Broken promises, broken hearts, broken hymens — something’s gotta give!  The “Yellers” The “I think I Can  (a.k.a. “Greek Tragedians”) Change You” Couple Nothing screams love like when one person What’s life without conflict? Boring as imposes their will on another, using manipu- shit, that’s what. Aware of this, the Greek lation to change their mate at their very Tragedians cram their lives with outrage, core. Matt’s not cold and borderline-abusive; betrayal, scandal and other words you find instead, his death-stare belies hidden passion on the backs of video rental boxes. These are that is sure to surface after some one-sided people who manage to offend each other dur- cuddling! Suzie’s not an abrasive bitch; she ing makeup sex. For them, all of existence just needs a gentle touch to erase her current is dire. Everything is intense. Words must be personality and replace it with a new, non- italicized. Besides, if they weren’t screaming bitchy one! Granted, when this kind of stuff all the time, they might actually have to get occurs between social groups, it’s called cul- to know each other — and who would want tural genocide. But, between two people, it’s that?  another matter entirely — it’s amore!

17 • FEATURES www.texastravesty.com RECONSIDERINGamusing ourselves THE RELATIONSHI since 1997 P since 1997 features • 18 Who do I have to vomit blood on for some aid relief? Aini Ismael Abdullah sand with my blood? born rent to pieces by genocidal darfur refugee I probably can, too; machetes, I fail to enunciate prop- there certainly seems erly. In Arabic, my name to be no stopping this What little food we receive at means “source” or hemorrhaging ulcer the camp — most of which is sent “water spring.” My I’ve had since my fam- from neighboring countries rather father gave it to me ily was slaughtered by than from the West — has become because, when I was a government-backed indigestible to our declining bod- born, I cried nonstop Arab militia. ies. And the medical supplies don’t for hours. Later on, my Which brings up suit our needs, either. My pink-eye name came to mark me another thing: maybe seems to spread no matter how as a source of joy in his I’m just being needy, many antidiarrheal drugs I take, life. Today, as I sit here mourning but I really could have used a and the asthma inhalers do nothing my dead family in a sweltering hand when my village was get- to close the open sores on my back. refugee camp on the Chad-Sudan ting destroyed by the Janjaweed jet Hey, at least Libya is trying. border, I’m a source of something fighters sent to exterminate every Maybe I’m being unfair. The aid else entirely: a stream of blood that black-skinned person in Darfur. workers tell me that the U.S. has globs from out my mouth. Tell me And — again, let me know if I’m given more than $250 million in — who do I have to vomit blood being presumptuous — you could aid to me and the 500,000 of my on to get some goddamn aid relief have spoken up when they were people who have made the long around here? lodging shrapnel into the bodies march from central Darfur to East No, seriously. I really, really of my children, raping my sisters Chad. As I sit here, starving for a fucking need some relief aid. I and me and reducing my village to basic corn meal, afraid to gather don’t know if you can tell from the debris and charred human flesh. firewood because of roving bands geyser that keeps spurting from my Did it look like we were of rapists, that fact really means a fly-caked lips, or from the fact that doing just fine on our own? I’m lot to me. No, really. It does. I’m I keep moaning, “Please, Allah, sorry, that’s probably my fault. fucking exhilarated. deliver me relief,” but I really do Sometimes, when I’m screaming You just can’t tell because I’ve lost need some help over here. Do I have for my life and clawing at my eyes the musculature needed to smile. to spell it out for you on the desert so as not to see my youngest-

Kids’ Korner song! Guess what—Kids’ Korner is back! Spinning yarns of meth and crack, Grab some crayons, cut your arms, i s er Learn the ways that voting harms! Kd ’Korn Kids’ Korner, for you and me, Now let’s all go and smoke a tree!

We know it’s a beautiful sunny day outside, because WORDS Mr. Frog’s special pupils are FIND THE SECRET

CAN YOU FIND. . . facts! F S T E A L W R R P SUPER fun I U D M J I K I D I pony bottom of your lemonade • To help Mommy clean, you • The S C Q N X E Y P N P pool smells like delicious happy have to pour a bucket of strawberries. T K T V L H P T C E water on the computer. Tony Hawk • Church is where they hold L I B I D K O A B B ice cream • The best way to keep the Loudest Screamer B F Y Q Z G T Y X O fun is to take because it makes monsters away Contest scientist some hamburger meat everyone very happy. K N I F E I N L G M bicycle from the refrigerator and S L U T E M S O I B put it under your bed! • The only way to find out FUN QUIZ! if there’s a prize in an E Y I D A N I R R V • Toxic is a secret adult What’s missing alligator’s mouth is to word for candy. X Z A N A X S Y H G from this stick your arm in it. nondescript • If you pour bubbly water tastes as woman?

from the stove on top of you, • Paint one day you’ll be big and tall. good as it looks! smile! a Answer:

turn the page to hear the brass fanfare. features • 18 19 • OPINION texastexas travesty travesty • december • APRIL 2007

19 • OPINION www.texastravesty.com RECONSIDERINGamusing ourselves THE RELATIONSHI since 1997 P since 1997 OPINION • 20

i won a very phallic trohpy for writing this. OPINION • 20