1. Things That I Trust More Than You (Carla Ulbrich)

I’m not saying you’re a liar That you say things that may not be true I’m just saying If I look around There are things that I trust more than you

Like pet food from China, tap water from Flint Subscriptions that auto-renew A mohel with tremors, a psychic who’s broke The cleanliness of a bowling shoe

Miracle water from a tv preacher A somewhat burnt surge protector Nigerian email Promising cash The meatballs at Hannibal Lechter’s

I’m not saying you’re a liar That you say things that may not be true I’m just saying If I look around There are things that I trust more than you

Like the guy reading the paper in a nondescript van Sitting across the street Gas station sushi, a blind hairdresser A plate of Taco Bell meat

My life savings in the stock market A fart when I’ve got the flu A Bigfoot sighting, A set of used tires My cat with Pepe Lepew

I’m not saying you’re a liar Or that your karma is way overdue I’m just saying everywhere I look There are things that I trust more than you

Like a three dollar bill hair in a can A period that’s overdue Clean white walls and a toddler with crayons A hastily packed parachute

The ingredients in a hot dog Being in a cage with gorillas The five-second rule is an actual thing And OJ will catch the real killer Yeah these are things that I trust more than you lyrics, music, vocals, guitar, hand claps, producer: Carla Ulbrich bass, drums, guitars, percussion, engineer: Steve Goodie

2. At the Dollar Store (Carla Ulbrich)

Off-brand liquid paper Packing tape that tears a solar light that works sometimes some batteries that suck A shower cap that doesn’t fit a book by Simon Cowell but what the heck it only costs a buck

At the Dollar Store everything’s so cheap At the Dollar Store Just throw it on the heap You’ll wonder how you spent so much Your home now has that hoarder’s touch But think of all the savings at the Dollar Store

A movie starring Paris Hilton Some Jordache-like cologne Ooh! a bag of circus peanuts Man am I in luck This gift wrap has a cancer warning Hey look - a pregnancy test Can you believe this only costs a buck?

At the Dollar Store Everything’s so cheap At the Dollar Store Just throw it on the heap If you want to cut down on the plastic Just stay home- no that’s too drastic Think of all the savings at the Dollar store

I saw a woman in the checkout line Who only had two items Seriously I ask you, who does that? She was buying pencils and a notebook And nothing else at all She’s got to be some kind of psychopath

At the Dollar Store Get your Tasty Cakes At the Dollar Store Serving up the 3-ounce steaks If someone asks you where you bought it You don’t have to admit you got it With all your other bargains at the Dollar Store lyrics, music, vocals, acoustic guitar, electric guitar, producer: Carla Ulbrich bass, electric guitar, drums, tambourine: Steve Goodie engineers: Steve Goodie, Bob Harris

3. You Are the Salt (Carla Ulbrich)

I am the car wash you are the rain You are the zombie I am the brain I’m California you are the fault I am the snail you are the salt

I am the addict you are the blow You are the furniture leg… I’m the pinky toe I am the nice little coed you’re sigma chi I am the face you are the pie

I am the cubs fan you are the goat I am the skinny jeans you are the bloat You are the vampire I am the donor I’m the 13-year-old boy in math class getting called up to the chalkboard… you are the boner

They can’t understand Just what we’ve got No one else can make me feel like you do At least I hope not

I am a migraine you are the drum I am the pond you are the scum You are a furrier I’m a chinchilla I’m Tokyo… you are Godzilla

I’m a guitar you’re El KaBong You’re Yoko Ono I am a song I am the bee you’re the glyphosate You are the finger I am the prostate I'm always the prostate lyrics: Carla Ulbrich and Joe Giacoio music: Carla Ulbrich vocals, producer: Carla Ulbrich bass, drums, piano, engineer: Steve Goodie

4. Stupefied By Maladies Defying Diagnosis (parody of “Supercalifragilisticexpialidocious” )

I've seen a hundred doctors from the worst up to the best with dozens of appointments and a half a zillion tests Don't wanna be a whiner and I hate to be a pest But how can i get better if I can't get any rest?

Stupefied by maladies defying diagnosis All of this uncertainty is causing me neurosis What if it's the plague, or something equally atrocious? Stupefied by maladies defying diagnosis Um diddle diddle diddle um will I die?

They're puzzled by my symptoms so they say it's in my head They'll probably keep saying that the day I turn up dead The doctor's office is the most annoying place I know If I wanted some attention it's the last place I would go!

Stupefied by maladies defying diagnosis I've sat here in this waiting room so long I've got thrombosis I ought to have a medical degree I've earned one by osmosis Stupefied by maladies defying diagnosis um diddle diddle diddle um will I die? um diddle diddle diddle um will I die?

We're clearly getting nowhere so I see it's up to me I may not be a doctor but I've seen one on TV I googled all my symptoms and I searched on WebMD Gave myself six months to live Then sent the bill to me

Stupefied by maladies defying diagnosis How'm I supposed to live with such a horrible prognosis? If I were to sue myself would that be symbiosis? Stupefied by maladies defying diagnosis um diddle diddle diddle um will I die? um diddle diddle will I die?

Stupefied by maladies defying diagnosis All of this frustration has sent me into psychosis If you holler loud enough they'll send men in white coats it's Stupefying maddening and still no diagnosis Stupefying maddening and still no diagnosis lyrics, vocal: Carla Ulbrich bass, drums, piano, keyboards, percussion, producer, engineer: Steve Goodie music: 1964, Sherman Brothers (“Supercalifragilisticexpealidocious”)

5. Fat Elvis (parody of “Black Velvet” as sung by Alannah Myles)

Peanut butter and banana in a milkshake Loaf of bread filled with meat and deep fried Metabolism’s getting slower when you’re older It’s not that easy to work off an entire pie

He ballooned as he consumed everything Left the building hours before Still they were screamin’ for

Fat Elvis oh he was what he ate Only fitting now his face is on a plate A food addiction brought the singer to his knees Fat Elvis – he liked him some grease

Up in Graceland shot a hole through his TV But the fans’ devotion was impossible to shake Harem Scarem didn’t scare ‘em from the movies Couldn’t lose ‘em with the plot of Clambake

Karate moves on the stage I’m telling you Dressed like a matador And what’s with the pompadour?

Fat Elvis and his Las Vegas style Fat Elvis and his sideburns gone wild Imitation isn’t always flattery Fat Elvis- American cheese

Everyone everywhere afraid to tell him he truth So he dug his own grave with a fork and a spoon And some Quaaludes What? Too soon?

Fat Elvis on a 29-cent stamp Fat Elvis on a potato chip bag clamp Refrigerator magnets or box set of CDs Get your Fat Elvis- right this way please

Fat Elvis in his sunglasses and cape Fat Elvis so much easier to impersonate Forever frozen in the 1970s

Fat Elvis Rest in peace Catchin’ some Zs You kids eat your peas

Lyrics: Carla Ulbrich, Joe Giacoio, Steve Goodie Vocal: Carla Ulbrich Bass, guitars, drums, keyboards, Elvis, producer, engineer: Steve Goodie music: 1990 Christopher Ward and David Tyson

6. Take Me Out to the Overpriced Ballgame (parody of “Take Me Out to the Ballgame") Take me out to the overpriced ballgame At the corporate-owned park We paid for this place with a local tax They should be wearing our names on their backs

But it's suits suits suits in the good seats They should all be ashamed Cuz it's one, two, three thousand bucks And they're not even watching the game

Drag him out on the ball field With a torn ACL Management says that he’ll be alright He can’t sit out on his bobblehead night

So it’s shoot shoot shoot him with cortisone If he won’t heal then we’ll trade Yeah it’s one, two, three Tommy Johns And right back into the game

I went broke at the ballgame Forty bucks just to park I can’t find peanuts or cracker jack Just calamari or steak and cognac

With their souvenirs and concessions And the rights to the name Oh it’s milk, bilk every last buck From the old ball game lyrics: Carla Ulbrich and Joe Giacoio music: 1908 Jack Norworth and Albert von Tilzer vocals, guitar, producer: Carla Ulbrich bass, organ, drums, announcer voiceover, engineer: Steve Goodie

7. Now and Later (parody of “Now or Never” a.k.a. “O Solo Mio”)

The Now and Later It drives me ape Three classic flavors Strawberry lime and grape I’d love to scarf a crate of Now and Laters Those things are great

When I first saw one of these In its paper so waxy It nearly ruined my Halloween I grabbed my phone and called a taxi But then I tried a few 'Twas a pleasant and flavorful chew I’d been much too hasty They’re really quite tasty I’m sure you’ll agree

A Now and Later Those things are tight That means delicious For those of us who are white Until you try don’t hate The Now and Later Gosh darn they’re great

Just like a Starburst Except they’re made by Nabisco With as much nutritional value As a couple cans of Crisco How I’d love to savor All those artificial flavors But I’m no longer willing I pulled out three fillings just yesterday

Not now not later No more for me I’ve clogged my colon And wrecked my teeth Next year for Halloween No Now and Laters We’re serving beans lyrics & vocal: Carla Ulbrich bass, piano, guitar, background vocals: Bobby Brescia coworker voiceover, engineer: Steve Goodie engineer, producer: Bobby Brescia music Eduardo di Capua and Alfredo Mazzucchi

8. Stuck at 13 (a self-portrait) (parody of “Always a Woman,” Billy Joel)

She can gross out your friends even all of the guys With an image so foul that you’ll gouge out your eyes And a language so filthy you’ll need a vaccine Chronologically grown but she’ll always be stuck at 13

She’ll moon all your neighbors then make sure they see you You can say you hate poop jokes she’ll never believe you Got the feel for the wheel keep the movin’ parts clean Quoting David Lee Roth she will always be stuck at 13

Oh she amuses herself And a few other folks At least some of the time Oh will she ever grow up? Oh what grade are we in? Her head’s up her behind

And she’ll bring whoopee cushions to corporate meetings And she’ll give you a noogie and laugh while you’re screaming But she’s good for a laugh and a silly routine Blaming farts on the dog she will always be stuck at 13

Doo doo…

Oh and she’s telling herself That she’s misunderstood She’s ahead of her time Oh and she never shuts up If you taped up her mouth She would just pantomime

She is frequently smart then she’s suddenly crude And she’ll play any gig even if they are nude This is not what you do with a college degree You’d expect something new when she turned 32 But she’ll always be stuck at 13

Mi mi mi.. This song is all about me

Lyrics and vocal: Carla Ulbrich Recorded in Camarillo at Bob Demarco’s studio Engineers: Steve MacDonald, Steve Goodie Producer: Bob Malone Piano and strings: Bob Malone Bass: Jeff Dean Flute: Jeff Dellisanti Guitar: Bob DeMarco music: 1977 Billy Joel

9. You Can’t Sit Down in a Stormtrooper Costume (Carla Ulbrich)

Well…. You… Can’t sit down in a stormtrooper costume With a canister on the back It might look swell but it’s hot as a rocket And the dadgum thing ain’t got no pockets You can’t sit down in a stormtrooper costume With a canister on the back

And you can’t see a thing in a full face helmet Though it does hide a bad hair day If you going down the stairs you’ll find you’re up a creek And you’re gonna make a mess when you go to take a leak You can’t see a thing in a full face helmet Though it does hide a bad hair day

But if a life of crime is where you wind up No one can identify you in a line up

So go right ahead and wear a stormtrooper costume Who needs to sit anyway? lyrics, music, vocal, guitar, producer: Carla Ulbrich bass, drums: Steve Goodie engineers: Bob Harris, Steve Goodie

10. Gluten-Free Diet (parody of “Zoot Suit Riot” by Cherry Poppin' Daddies )

Who’s got tons of food allergies Can’t eat nothing but sticks and leaves Hives and gas and swollen hands Who’s really crabby? Yes I am

Doctor came to say Yeah you cannot eat this stuff You’d best stay away From all those foods you love

Gluten-free diet (diet!) Throw away the bread and the beer Gluten-free diet (diet!) Nothing left to eat in here

Gluten-free diet (diet!) Lookin' at the menu in fear Gluten-free diet (diet!) Haven’t had dessert all year So crabby!

I picked up a gluten-free pizza then Put it in the oven four hundred and ten try it yourself and you'll understand Serving size: feeds one trash can

Oh I got me some rice cakes Suggested by some clown They crumbles into flakes As I tried to choke them

Gluten-free diet (diet!) It’s as much fun as you hear Gluten-free diet (diet!) Watch your social life disappear

I’m on a gluten-free diet I’m on a gluten-free diet I’m on a gluten-free diet

No Italian No tasty cakes Hey I would eat it But then I’d pay No pie-ie-ie-ie No pasta nay Twizzlers have gluten What the %#$*

Oh I went to a buffet And I took a look around Well the broccoli’s gluten free Oh great gee whiz like wow

Gluten-free diet (diet!) What a big pain in the rear Gluten-free diet (diet!) Seems just a little severe Gluten-free diet (diet!) Hold the bagel just gimme the schmear Gluten-free diet (diet!) You can have an asparagus spear

I’m on a gluten-free diet I’m on a gluten-free diet I’m on a gluten-free diet I think I'm about ready to slap somebody lyrics and vocal: Carla Ulbrich piano, bass, guitars, drums, voiceover, producer, engineer: Steve Goodie voiceover: Jim Aycock Horn Arrangement: Bryan Cumming Trumpet: Buddy Burris Trombone: Bill Huber Saxophone: Bryan Cumming music: Steve Perry