CALLBACK: GOMEZ AND MORTICIA

(MORTICIA’S BOUDOIR. MORTICIA enters, livid, pursued by GOMEZ.)

MORTICIA: Humiliated! Shamed! Mortified!

GOMEZ: Cara -

MORTICIA: I told that Beineke woman we kept nothing from each other.

GOMEZ: My sweet, my only –Wednesday wasn’t sure about the boy and didn’t want to worry you.

MORTICIA: Of course, she trusted her father to understand, but I’m a terrible mother.

GOMEZ: You’re a wonderful mother!

MORTICIA: (tragically) What really hurts, Gomez . . . is that you . . . my husband . . . didn’t trust me with the truth. What does this say about our marriage?

GOMEZ: Cara -

MORTICIA: And to think I wanted to see Europe with you. To walk through the sewers of Paris. To track down your family tree – and dig up whatever we found there. And now it’ll never happen. C'est un triste état de choses !

GOMEZ: (overcome, he moves to grab her arm and kiss it) Tish – (MORTICIA steps aside and holds out a warning hand)

MORTICIA: Don’t even try it! (She moves away) Gomez, I’ve never been so angry. Not even when your mother came to live with us.

GOMEZ: My mother?

MORTICIA: She came for the weekend, and the weeks turned into months. And now, twelve years later, she’s still up in the attic, making a constant mess with her bad spells, driving Lurch into a frenzy. You know she was behind that wreck of a dinner. Well, I’m not going to end up like your mother.

GOMEZ: My mother? I thought she was your mother. (Bad look from MORTICIA) No, seriously.

MORTICIA: You lied to me, Gomez. I can’t live with that.

GOMEZ: Morticia! Everything will be fine. Just let me take you in my arms.

MORTICIA: Not today.

GOMEZ: But cara -

MORTICIA: Out! (GOMEZ wilts and exits.)

CALLBACK: ALICE, MAL, AND GRANDMA

(THE GUEST BEDROOM, which consists of a bed framed by a creeping vine. ALICE is sitting on the bed with her head in her hands, groaning. MAL is pacing back and forth.)

MAL: That was the most disgusting display I’ve ever seen. Your behavior, Alice, was inexcusable!

ALICE: I don’t understand what happened. “One moment light, then all was dark, Here in the house set in a - . . . in a . . . “ Oh dear, I can’t think of a rhyme.

MAL: (stops) Thank God for small favors. (He resumes pacing.) And what about Lucas? I did not raise my son to be kidnapped by a bunch of creeped out weirdos!

ALICE: You didn’t raise him, Mal, I did. You were at the office, remember?

MAL: I was at the office for you. For him. I had plans for the boy!

ALICE: Oh, Mal, he’s in love. Let him follow his heart.

MAL: Follow his heart? That’s crazy!

ALICE: What’s wrong with crazy? Crazy is underrated.

MAL: Lemme get this straight–your son, your only son, wants to marry someone who is named for a day of the week and runs around the park with a crossbow –and you’re okay with all that?

ALICE: If it makes him happy, yes. (As MAL says his next line, the creeping vine rises and encircles his neck.)

MAL: Then you’re as crazy as he is! I’m putting a stop to the madness right now. I’m going to call the police and they’re going to find Lucas and drag him back to – URRGGGHHH!!! (MAL grabs hold of the vine, which is clearly strangling him. ALICE rises and tries to undo the vine, with no success.)

ALICE: Mal! Mal! Oh, help, somebody. (GRANDMA enters, sees what’s happening and rushes to help.)

GRANDMA: Cleopatra! Stop it, you bad girl! (She unloops the vine from around MAL’S neck, and he sinks to the bed, gasping for air. ALICE sits beside him, patting his back. GRANDMA reaches into a pocket. pulls out a meat treat, and feeds it to the plant, which makes happy gurgling sounds, swallows, and then relaxes to the ground again.) There, there! That’s a good girl. Everything’s fine, folks! She was just hungry. (To ALICE) And how are you, dearie? I’m afraid you were a victim of one of naughty Pugsley’s tricks. (She pulls out a small bottle.) Don’t worry – this should make you feel all better. (She stops, thinks, pulls out another bottle.) Or is it this?

MAL: (rises) Stop hitting me! You’d better come to your senses, Alice, or I’m gonna have to take steps.

ALICE: Good idea. Why don’t you start by taking steps outside.

MAL: What?

ALICE: (rises in new-found strength and dignity) Mal Beineke, if you want to act like a tool, go sleep in the shed!

MAL: (shocked, then he draws himself up) Fine! (He turns around, and we see a giant SPIDER on his back. ALICE screams.)

ALICE: Mal! (MAL turns around, smugly thinking she wants him to stay.)

MAL: What?

ALICE: Oh . . . nothing. (MAL turns to leave. GRANDMA holds out both bottles.) Which one?

GRANDMA: (with a sbrug) Your guess is as good as mine, honey. But tell me – can either one make you feel any worse than you feel now? (ALICE selects a bottle, pops it open and drinks it down. She waits a minute – hiccups – giggles – and then lies down in a swoon. GRANDMA sits down next to her as the PLANT rises up and asks a question.) Yes, Cleopatra, it’s starting to work. Any moment now, she should start having a vision – of the moon!

CALLBACK: WEDNESDAY AND LUCAS

WEDNESDAY: How long have you been standing in the shadows?

LUCAS: My whole life. Look, I can’t stand the idea of not being with you.

WEDNESDAY: Five minutes ago you could.

LUCAS: No, but see – the lover always comes back. Ulysses. Tristan. Romeo.

WEDNESDAY: Listen, I’m home-schooled. What’s your point?

LUCAS: I’d rather die than live without you.

WEDNESDAY: Okay. Prove it.

LUCAS: What.

WEDNESDAY: Prove it. Here. (WEDNESDAY hands an apple to LUCAS and picks up her crossbow.)

LUCAS: Where’d you -

WEDNESDAY: Put this apple on your head and go stand against a tree.

LUCAS: (realizing) Wait – you’re gonna - ?

WEDNESDAY: Uh-huh.

LUCAS: You’re crazy.

WEDNESDAY: And you’re not crazy enough. That’s the problem.

(SING “CRAZIER THAN YOU” DURING WHICH WEDNESDAY PUTS A BLINDFOLD OVER LUCAS’ EYES.)

LUCAS: (rips off the blindfold) No, no, no, wait! OK, OK! You want crazy – here’s crazy. (He ties the blindfold over WEDNESDAY’S eyes instead.)

WEDNESDAY: OK, now it’s getting interesting. (then) Aren’t you afraid?

LUCAS: (a tad manic) No! You know why? Because I will guide the arrow! I’ll guide it with my love!

WEDNESDAY: How does that work exactly?

LUCAS: We’re connected, see? We’re destined to be together! So nothing bad can happen!

WEDNESDAY: Yeah, but what if I miss?

LUCAS: Then you’ll be the last thing I ever see.

WEDNESDAY: That is so hot. (LUCAS runs to the tree, apple on his head. WEDNESDAY aims, blindly.)

LUCAS: Ready! (WEDNESDAY fires her crossbow. In SLO-MO “Matrix” rhythm, the ANCESTORS guide the arrow to split the apple. Then back to normal speed, as LUCAS screams.)

WEDNESDAY: Omigod! (She tears the blindfold off, to see LUCAS unhurt.)

LUCAS: Gotcha. Now will you marry me?

WEDNESDAY: Oh, yes, Lewis. A thousand times yes.

LUCAS: Lucas. Lucas.

WEDNESDAY: Gotcha! (She runs, he happily chases her off.)

CALLBACK SCENE: GOMEZ AND MAL

(The scene transitions immediately to AN UNDERGROUND GROTTO, represented by the shimmering of lights reflecting on the unseen waters. GOMEZ and MAL enter.)

GOMEZ: And this – is our grotto! (MAL steps downstage and looks into the water uncertainly.)

MAL: What’s that down there? (GOMEZ joins him.)

GOMEZ: It’s a natural stream that flows from the ocean and feeds into our moat out back. (MAL looks around.)

MAL: It’s so dark and creepy.

GOMEZ: (with a fond sigh) I know. We used to bring the children down here a lot when they were younger. Oh, the times we had!

MAL: Your kids liked it down here?

GOMEZ: They loved playing “Where’s Waldo?”

MAL: “Where’s Waldo?” (With the first sign of nostalgia we’ve seen) Say, I used to read that to my boy every night.

GOMEZ: There’s a book? (MAL looks at him.) We actually looked for Waldo. (Slyly) Do you want to play?

MAL: Uh . . . sure.

GOMEZ: All right! You just stand at the edge of the stream and call out for Waldo. (MAL stares at GOMEZ, gives a shrug, and steps forward.)

MAL: Um . . . Waldo . . . . Waldo . . .

GOMEZ: You have to call louder or he won’t find you.

MAL: (fighting with the urge that this is stupid) WALDO! HERE, WALDO!!! (As MAL calls, GOMEZ picks up a bucket behind him and tosses a piece of meat into the stream. Suddenly a GIANT SHARK OR a GIANT TENTACLE rears up and almost takes MAL’S head off. MAL screams like a girl and clings to GOMEZ.)

GOMEZ: Isn’t that fun? (MAL pulls out a handkerchief and dabs his face.)

MAL: Yeah . . . fun.

GOMEZ: So how about our crazy kids?

MAL: What about ‘em?

GOMEZ: They seem very fond of each other.

MAL: I guess. But they’re just kids. It’s not like they’re getting married or anything.

GOMEZ: Married? Of course not. They’re so young. (Pause) Of course, kids get married so young these days, don’t they?

MAL: I don’t know what they do. All I know is that kids today are too soft. Lucas is soft, just like his mother. But when he gets out of college, I’ll toughen him up. Teach him the business. Make him a man.

GOMEZ: Your son should hang out with mine. A few hours in the playroom . . . that’ll toughen him up.

MAL: You know, Addams, sometimes you make sense. You’re a man after my own heart.

GOMEZ: It’s tempting, but – Come, Beineke – let me show you the moat. Did you bring a bathing suit? Never mind. Let’s be crazy! (They exit.)

CALLBACK SCENE: MORTICIA AND ALICE

(MORTICIA’S BOUDOUR. MORTICIA is showing ALICE the family photo album.)

MORTICIA: And this is Cousin Helga from Baden-Baden.

ALICE: Who’s that looking over her shoulder?

MORTICIA: Oh, no. that’s her other head.

ALICE: She has two heads?

MORTICIA: Well, you know what they say. (MORTICIA and ALICE share a laugh, then MORTICIA turns to another page. Smiles with pleasure.) And these are my favorite - Uncle Sheldrake and Aunt Euphemia. (ALICE looks and smiles. MORTICIA looks doubtful for a beat.) Oh, wait – this is Uncle Sheldrake and this is Aunt Euphemia.

ALICE: (sighs) Whichever is who, they both look very much in love.

MORTICIA: (turns to another photo) And here are Gomez and me, at our wedding.

ALICE: (reading what’s on the next page) What’s that?

MORTICIA: Our wedding vows.

ALICE: That’s so romantic. (reads aloud) “We promise to tango at least three times a week.”

MORTICIA: - for passion.

ALICE: (reading) “We promise to tell each other everything.”

MORTICIA: - for truth.

ALICE: Everything?

MORTICIA: Of course?

ALICE: And you’re still married?

MORTICIA: More than ever.

ALICE: Boy, it sure doesn’t work that way in our house.

MORTICIA: How does it work?

ALICE: Well – (rhymes) “What’s good for the gander is a nice quiet goose; If I told Mal my secrets, all hell would break loose.”

MORTICIA: Alice, I’m shocked. What kind of a marriage is it where you keep secrets?

ALICE: A long one.

CALLBACK SCENE: PUGSLEY AND GRANDMA

(PUGSLEY’S tough act evaporates, and all that’s left is a lonely little brother. HE SINGS “WHAT IF”.)

SONG: “WHAT IF?” (PUGSLEY’S VERSION)

WHAT IF SHE NEVER TORTURES ME ANYMORE? HOW WOULD I MANAGE? WHAT IF SHE NEVER NAILS MY TONGUE TO THE BATHROOM FLOOR? WHAT IF SHE WALKS AWAY LEAVING ME A-OK, HIDING EACH POWER TOOL – WHY WOULD SHE BE SO CRUEL?

I COULD STAB MY ARM MYSELF COULD RIP MY TONSILS OUT COULD SET MY HAIR AFLAME I COULD SPRAY MY EYES WITH MACE BUT FACE THE FACT, WITHOUT HER, IT WOULDN’T BE THE SAME . . .

(GRANDMA enters, pulling her wagon of vials and bottles.)

GRANDMA: (with great love) There’s my bad boy!

PUGSLEY: Hi, Grandma. What you got there?

GRANDMA: I’ve been out in the neighborhood collecting things for my potions.

PUGSLEY: Like what? (He picks up a box in the wagon.)

GRANDMA: Oh, snips and snails and puppy dog – (PUGSLEY starts to shake the box. GRANDMA grabs it back in alarm.) Careful! They’re fresh! (She places the box back in the wagon and notices PUGSLEY sit back down sulking.) What’s the matter, grandson? You look blue – and not in the good way.

PUGSLEY: Grandma – what if there was this girl who met this person and he’s all like “Hey, it’s the Pugster. What’s up, little man?” And she’s all like “Golly” and “We’re going to go now” and they’re running away together. What kind of potion would you give her?

GRANDMA: Nothing. She’s your sister. Be happy for her.

PUGSLEY: But what if she leaves with him forever? What if all the good times are already behind me?

GRANDMA: (She pulls a small bottle out of the wagon and holds it out.) What you need is a good belt of this!

PUGSLEY: What is it?

GRANDMA: Homemade root beer. (PUGSLEY reaches for it, but GRANDMA pulls the bottle back in alarm.) Oh, wait! Wrong stuff!

PUGSLEY: What is it?

GRANDMA: Acrimonium. You wanna stay away from that!!

PUGSLEY: Why?

GRANDMA: It takes the lid off the id. Brings out a person’s dark side. (She puts down the bottle in her hand and rummages for another. She hands it to PUGSLEY.)

PUGSLEY: Their dark side, huh? (Thinks) No more yellow dresses!

GRANDMA: What’s that, Pugsley? (She hands him the bottle of root beer.)

PUGSLEY: Oh – nothing. Thanks, grandma.

GRANDMA: Think nothing of it. Now, stop worrying about your sister. Start thinking about you and how you’re going to live your life. (She heads for the exit. PUGSLEY switches the bottles. GRANDMA stops, realizes she’s left the bottle behind, turns around and retrieves the wrong bottle) Make a new friend, Pugsley. Bring him home and play hide and seek in the attic. (She turns to go, and then turns back.) Only this time, find him. (She blows a kiss.) I love you. (She exits. PUGSLEY moves downstage and sings over the scene change.)

PUGSLEY: WEDNESDAY WILL DRINK AND THEN SHE’LL BE HERSELF AGAIN LUCAS WILL LEAVE HER BE SO SHE CAN TORTURE ME JUST LIKE SHE ALWAYS DID ‘TIL THEN I’M JUST A STRANGE LITTLE KID.

(PUGSLEY hugs the bottle.)