Script 1 The Trojan Palace

Cast needed: Priam, Hecuba, Alexandros (Paris), Calchas

King Priam: Ah Hecuba my queen. You’re looking lovely this morning!

Queen Hecuba: Good Morning King Priam, ruler of Troy, one of the most powerful city-states in the world. I do feel good because I’m pregnant again. Of course, you know I have lots of babies: 12 sons and several daughters, or something like that. But then that pales in comparisons to all the children you’ve sired with your various other women! Fifty sons in total!! You are really the man! But I digress. I’m a little tired because last night I had a nightmare.

King Prima: A nightmare! Much like my belief in love and women, I’m also a strong believer in the gods and the fact that they speak through dreams. What did you dream of?

Queen Hecuba: I dreamed that Troy was burning.

King Priam: Ye Gads! I better fetch our local prophet/seer to discover what this can mean. Where is Calchas?

Calchas: Here Sire! What seems to be the problem?

King Priam: My lovely Hecuba, whom you can see is great with child, has had a dream that Troy was burning.

Calchas: Ye Gads! This can only mean one thing, naturally. The child you carry will be the end of Troy. You must destroy it.

King Priam: Cool with me. I’ve got sons to spare.

Queen Hecuba: Ye Gads! I’m going into labor!!

Prince Alexandros: Waa! Waa! I’ve just been born!

King Priam: Go figure. It’s a boy. That only proves my studliness in that I keep siring boy children. Let’s name him Alexandros and then let’s kill him.

Calchas: Your majesty. I wouldn’t do that. Remember the furies will get after you if you kill him. I suggest that you wrap him in a distinctive cloth and abandon him on a mountaintop. Hopefully, he won’t be discovered by a bear or wolf and raised in the wild, and hopefully, he won’t be picked up by a wandering shepherd who will raise him as his own.

King Priam: Sound good. Here is a distinctive wrap with the house of Troy emblazoned on it. Wrap the child in it and abandon him on the mountain.

Script 2 Mt. Olympus

Cast needed: Peleus, Thetis, Zeus, Hera, Aphrodite, Athena, Hermes, Achilles

Peleus: Wow, I really enjoyed my time with Jason on the Argo. The adventures were swell, but even better was checking out that hot Nereid, Thetis.

Thetis: Hi Peleus! You’re looking well for a mortal, and you’re a pretty good conversationalist. Let’s get married.

Peleus: I like an assertive woman. I’m ready. When should we tie the knot?

Thetis: Just let me put some wedding plans together. We have to rent the hall, hire the caterers, talk to Orpheus about the music, discuss wine selections with Dionysus, send out the guest list.

Peleus: It’ a good thing you’re immortal and can handle all of these things. I’m going back to Aegina, my hometown. While I’m waiting, I’ll kill my stepbrother Phocus and be banished to Iolcus. I might marry a couple of times, but don’t worry, when you’re ready, I’ll be free.

Thetis: Okay sweetie! See you soon.

Time passes. Soon there is a wedding on Mt. Olympus

Peleus: Well Thetis, you’ve outdone yourself. Everything looks great. The gods and goddesses are all happy. We couldn’t ask for a better day to be married! But what’s this?

Thetis: It’s a golden apple that someone has thrown into the middle of the dance floor. Look, there’s something written on it. It says “To the fairest.” I guess that means that the most beautiful woman in the room should get this apple. But who would have thrown this here?

Zeus: Hey Thetis. Did you invite Eris, the goddess of Discord?

Thetis: Oh my gracious lord, king of all gods. No, of course I didn’t invite her! What do you take me for? A complete moron? Why would I invite the goddess of discord to a wedding? That’s just asking for trouble. After all discord means lack of agreement. Married people are supposed to agree on things.

Zeus: Well, that’s her handwriting on the apple. It looks like the old Apple of Discord trick. This seems very much like something she would do. I remember her sister doing something similar at Sleeping Beauty’s christening party when she was not invited.

Thetis: I don’t understand. It’s just a nice present for the most beautiful woman here. How could it cause discord and strife?

Hera: You’re right Thetis. It can’t. It’s a no-brainer. Seeing as I’m obviously the fairest in the land (and queen of the gods, and your wife—Zeusy poo), I’ll take that apple.

Aphrodite: Just back the junk in the trunk up there Hera. I’m the goddess of love and beauty and obviously the most beautiful one here. I’ll take the apple.

Athena: Just to make this fun, I think I’ll throw my helmet in the ring. Daddy, Daddy! I want the pretty apple!

Zeus: See what I mean about the apple of discord?

Thetis: Yes I do, and it’s spoiling my wedding. What can we do? Why don’t you decide and be done with this?

Zeus: What, are you nuts!? You want me to come between these three in a beauty contest? No way!

Peleus: Well can you suggest someone else? Someone who is known as a fair, even- minded judge? What about Minos king of Crete? He was always open-minded.

Zeus: No, Minos is busy judging souls in Hades. And you know Hades doesn’t like to give his help vacations. But I do have an idea. There’s a shepherd outside of Troy who is known for his even temper and fair judgment. He used to be a prince, Prince Alexandros, but his parents abandoned him and he was picked up by a shepherd and named Paris. I’ll dump this problem in Paris’ lap. Where’s Hermes?

Hermes: Here boss!

Zeus: Take this apple and these ladies to Paris of Troy and let him decide who is fairest.

Hermes: Okay ladies. Let’s go! ( Hermes, Aphrodite, Hera and Athena exit.)

Thetis: Things really happen fast in god time. Peleus, did you know I’m pregnant? In fact, I’m going to give birth right now! Oh look! We have a baby boy!

Peleus: Nice looking kid. Let’s name him Achilles. Too bad he can’t be immortal.

Thetis: I’ll dip him in the river Styx so he’ll be immortal.

Peleus: Okay, but be careful. If you miss a spot, he might be susceptible.

Thetis: Don’t worry honey; I’ve got this under control.

Script 3 Sparta

Cast needed: Tyndareus, Leda, Clytemnestra, Helen, Agamemnon, Menelaus, Odysseus

Tyndareus: I’m so relieved that I’m marrying our oldest daughter Clytemnestra off to Agamemnon, king of Mycenae. It’s the most powerful kingdom in Greece, so she’ll be set. So what if he’s a ruthless thug who’s just hungry for land, money and women. Women in ancient Greece are considered items to be bought and sold. I’m just complying with the times.

Leda: Oh goody! A wedding party! As queen, I get to be in charge of decorating. Since I’m a fairly empty headed woman, and even if I wasn’t I would have no say in the matter of marrying off my daughter, so I agree. If only we could get her little sister Helen married as well. She’s so pretty. I’m surprised that you haven’t lined someone up for her.

Tyndareus: Well, first of all, she’s the daughter of a swan. Right, I know, you said it was Zeus in the form of a swan, but either way, it’s a little wacky. Second, she’s so pretty that no matter who I pick there will be a war. Some other bloke will think I should have picked him as husband, and all kinds of fighting will break out. It’s too bad her brothers Castor and Pollux can’t be here to help out, but they keep getting into trouble.

Leda: What about that nice Theseus man? He’s a king and he had a real interest in Helen.

Tyndareus: You moron! He kidnapped her! Besides, he’s dead now.

Leda: I know! At Clytemnestra’s wedding, we can have some kind of contest and let the suitors themselves decide.

Tyndareus: Great idea Leda. Here come the suitors now. Hey suitors, I’ve decided to let you guys decide for yourself who gets to marry Helen.

Clytemnestra: Hey! I thought this was my wedding! This is supposed to be about my special day. What’s going on here!?

Leda: Oh hush Clytemnestra. You’ve always had more spunk than is appropriate for a Greek woman. Learn your place and be quiet.

Agamemnon: Although I’m a boorish prig and would like nothing better than to have multiple wives, even I see the how this would be a bad decision to marry sisters on one day. But who gets her?

Odysseus: I have an idea Agamemnon. But first let me tell you a little about myself. I’m king of Ithaca, a small island off the western cost of Greece, and I have a wife named Penelope. I’m also considered very clever with lots of good ideas. Finally, I’m quite the ladies man, if you know what I mean. Why don’t we have all the available suitors draw straws and whomever wins, gets Helen. But to make it fair, all have to promise that no matter who wins her, they won’t ever raise arms against the husband and they’ll all defend the husband against other men who try to take Helen.

Agamemnon: What a good idea. You really are clever Odysseus. It’s as if Athena was guiding you. Let’s try that.

Straws are drawn.

Agamemnon: And the winner is my baby brother Menelaus! And as an added benefit, Menelaus will also become king of Sparta once Tyndareus kicks the bucket.

Tyndareus: But what about my sons Castor and Pollux? Shouldn’t they inherit?

Agamemnon: I’ve got a feeling that once you’re gone, they’ll be gone as well.

Helen: But I don’t want to marry Menelaus. He has red hair and it clashes with my many outfits.

Menelaus: Too bad woman. My fiery temper just matches my hair. Let’s go!

Script 4 A Cave Outside of Troy

Cast needed: Paris, Aphrodite, Hera, Athena, Hermes

Hermes: Wake up Paris! You shouldn’t be sleeping while you’re supposed to be watching the sheep.

Paris: Who are you? You have wings on your head and feet. You must be Hermes!

Hermes: Well, you’re not totally daft at least. Listen, I’ve got this godly dilemma. You see these three ladies? You need to pick which one is fairest. Ladies. Step up and make your case.

Hera: Oh mighty Paris. If you choose me, I will give you wealth beyond understanding. Besides, I’m a good friend to have—trust me. Oh, and if you cross me, I’ll make your life a living hell. I’m really good at that.

Hermes: Okay, thanks for that Hera! Athena?

Athena: Paris. You seem like a sensible young man. If you choose me, I’ll make you the most powerful warrior in the world. You’ll be the soldier’s soldier, a man’s man! And I can be pretty nasty if crossed as well.

Hermes: Interesting angle Athena. Okay, Aphrodite, you’re up.

Aphrodite: Hey big boy. You think I’m hot! You want me? Well, pick me and I’ll guarantee that you’ll have the most beautiful woman in the world. She’ll be all yours.

Paris: Wow, this is a really hard decision. I’m a fair and logical individual. Not only do I need to pick which female is the most beautiful (which is fairly superficial), but I really need to consider which is the dominant force in human nature: greed, power, or lust? What will men fight for most? Greed, power, or lust? Decisions, decisions. Because I’m an optimist, I like to think that lust is akin to love. And besides, I’m like my dad, King of Troy, Priam. H’s a lusty guy and had many amorous relationships. I’m gong to go with lust. Aphrodite, you win!

Aphrodite: You won’t regret this. I’ll stand by you no matter what.

Hera and Athena: You idiot boy. You’ll regret this decision as long as you live, and so will your family, mutter, mutter, mutter.

Hermes: Aphrodite, here’s your apple. Hope you realize what pain and suffering will come from this bobble. Paris, thanks for your help. Ladies, back to the wedding party!

Paris: Oh, but look at the time! I have to go to Troy for the big pseudo-Olympic games they’re holding. Everyone says that Priam’s sons are the best at all the games. If I can beat them at some of those games, I’ll be a real man! I better hurry.

Script 5 The Pseudo-Olympic Games at Troy

Cast needed: Priam, Hecuba, Paris, Hector, Cassandra, Calchas, Apollo (from the sky), Artemis (from the sky)

Priam: Wow! These are some really good games. My oldest and favorite son, Prince Hector, is kicking some serious butt. But that’s typical. He’s such a good boy. I like his wife too. Andromche is beautiful and smart. And they love each other. Things just don’t get any better.

Hecuba: Indeed my king! It is a beautiful day and all is going well.

Cassandra: NOOOOO!! We’re doomed!! Today is a day of death and darkness!!

Hecuba: Oh Cassandra. Will you cut it out! I know you’re my daughter, but you’re always going off the deep end.

Priam: She takes after your side of the family. Always preaching doom and gloom.

Hecuba: That’s not true Priam! You know she’s never been the same since that affair with Apollo.

Apollo: (from the sky) I loved her! I really did! But she rejected me. You can’t reject a god and get away with it!

Artemis (from the sky): You idiot brother! You’ve loved lots of women. Why was this one so special?

Apollo: Because she could tell the future. She was really good at it.

Artemis: Too good? Did she threaten you?

Apollo: Not true! If that was the case, I would have taken away her gift.

Artemis: You might as well have done that. You’ve cursed her so that she always speaks the truth but no one will listen. How’s that justice?

Apollo: It’s not, but it sure is fun watching her tell the future and having no one believe her. They all think she’s a nut case.

Cassandra: NOOOOO!! Kill the winner!! Kill the winner!!

Priam: What’s that she’s babbling on about? Can’t we just lock her up somewhere?

Hecuba: Now hush Priam. Hector is being challenged by a new male. He’s young, he’s handsome, and he looks like a good judge of character. OMG!! The new boy is beating Hector and the other princes. How can this be?

Hector: Ye Gads! I’m mad! This kid is beating me and the other princes. We should get together and kill him.

Cassandra: Yes, kill him!! Kill him!!

Priam: Wait! Don’t kill this young man. Let me speak to him. Young man. Come here. What is your name?

Paris: My name is Paris.

Priam: And where did you get that distinctive wrap you’re wearing?

Paris: I always wear this distinctive wrap. I’ve worn it since I was born. My parents abandoned me on a mountain with this wrap. But I was rescued by a shepherd and raised as his son. Why to you ask?

Hecuba: Why, that’s our distinctive wrap. This must be baby Alexandros! Welcome home Prince Alexandros.

Cassandra: Kill him!! Kill him!

Calchas: Your majesty. You can’t kill him. Not only will the furies get you, but I see that he is now powerfully protected by the gods. In fact, he appears to be a man of good judgment. I think he would make a great diplomat. Aren’t you sending a ship to Sparta soon to discuss trade routes? Why not send Prince Alexandros, I mean Prince Paris?

Cassandra: No!! Kill him!! Kill him!!

Priam: Good idea Calchas. Someone lock Cassandra up, please.

Script 6 Sparta

Cast needed: Paris, Menelaus, Helen, Messenger

Paris: Wow! Sparta sure is swell. Nice digs you have here Menelaus. It must be great to be king of such a powerful city-state and have such a hot wife as well.

Menelaus: Thanks Paris. After all, Sparta isn’t just a bump in the road. We’re a major Greek city-state. And it doesn’t hurt that my brother is Agamemnon, king of Mycenae, THE most powerful city-state in Greece. In fact, it rivals your home town Troy in wealth and might.

Paris: You know the one thing that would really get your city on the map, and you too as a leader? It would be to have a good relationship with Troy. After all, we do control all the shipping routes to the Black Sea and that allows for the land routes to the Middle East and Far East. Troy is rich because it’s strategically placed and can demand money from all passing ships. There’s just no way around us!

Menelaus: You are so right. However, my brother isn’t too keen on my making a deal with you. He would just rather control you guys.

Messenger: Your majesty King Menelaus. News from your father’s palace, King Atreus. Your father is dead. You must come at once to the funeral. He was an important man (although not very nice. He did try to kill his half-brother, Chrysippus, you know, the guy that Oedipus’ dad had the hots for). Atreus’ father was Pelops.

Paris: Pelops is your grandfather? Pelops of the ivory shoulder? Pelops whom Demeter took a bite out of? Pelops whose dad is Tantalus, the guy stuck in Tartarus who can never eat or drink? Pelops who has that cool scepter made by Hephaestus?

Menelaus: Yea, yea. I get that all the time. But all the same, I’ve got to go to my dad’s palace now, but I can’t do that.

Paris: Why not?

Menelaus: Because you’re here. You’re company and company trumps everything. You know, the host/guest relationship thing. I can’t just run out on a guest. If I did, Zeus would be very angry. Remember when Hercules was visiting his friend and his friend’s wife had just died? Herc was totally unaware since it wasn’t the hostly thing to do: air your grief.

Helen: Don’t worry honey. I can see to our guest and be the bestest hostess in the whole wide world. I’ll make sure he wants for nothing (wink, wink).

Menelaus: Are you sure Helen? You’re just a woman, a useless piece of arm candy.

Helen: That’s right honey. All I have to do is look good. Don’t worry. It’ll be fine. Go grieve for the father you hated with the brother you’re jealous of. Go ahead.

Menelaus: Okay then. Later! (Menelaus exits)

Helen: Thank god he’s gone! I never thought he would leave. Paris, you look so good to me right now. Take me baby!

Paris: I will! And then we can empty the coffers of this place and bug out of town. Let’s go to Troy! I think that passion and Aphrodite is calling! Besides, I know my dad will support me. He’s really into love, passion, and babies.

Helen: Gee, I don’t know. Menelaus will be really angry. But . . . okay, I guess so.

Script 7 Mycenae (kind of the capital of Greece)

Cast needed: Menelaus, Agamemnon, Odysseus, Achilles, Palamedes, Ajax the greater, Ajax the lesser, Diomedes, Patroclus

Menelaus: Agamemnon. We have to do something! I want my wife back, oh and all the money she took from the treasury at Sparta. I’m looking like a total cuckold here!

Agamemnon: Cuckold! Stop using big words. What’s a cuckold?

Menelaus: It’s a fancy word for a man whose wife has cheated on him.

Agamemnon: What’s the fancy word for a woman whose husband has cheated on her?

Menelaus: There isn’t one. I wonder what that means?

Agamemnon: Thanks for that little vocabulary exercise. The fact is, your woman cheated on you and you want me to go and teach her a lesson. Well, something has to be in it for me. If we’re going to raise the size of army we’ll need to take down Troy, then I get to dominate the city once it’s captured. And, I’m in command of the army. Got it?

Menelaus: Sure bro. Whatever you say. Who do you need?

Agamemnon: Fortunately, I’ve already started the recruitment. I’ve invited all the best soldiers and they can tell their stories.

Ajax the Lesser: Hi, I’m Ajax the lesser. I’m not lesser because I’m a bad warrior, but there’s another Greek hero named Ajax, and he’s really big. I just happen to be smaller. I’m a pretty good fighter, but I do let my emotions get the better of me. In fact, I predict that I might do something bad, like rape one of Priam’s daughters inside the temple of Athena. Athena would get pretty mad at me if I did that. Remember what she did to Medusa? And that was consensual sex. I suspect I might not survive the war if I do something stupid like that.

Ajax the Greater: Hi, I’m Ajax the greater. I’m the strongest of the Greek warriors (though not necessarily the smartest). I kick some serious butt, but I don’t always bother to think things through. I know I’m good, so if you don’t reward me with the proper attitude and booty from the field of battle, then I’m likely to pout and do something stupid. Chances are, I won’t survive the war.

Diomedes: Hi, I’m Diomedes; king of Argos and Athena is my main supporter. I was one of the guys who vied for Helen’s hand. After Achilles, I’m the best Greek warrior on the field. I’m good friends with Odysseus, and during one of the battles of the Trojan War, I actually wound Aphrodite! I’m also close to Agamemnon and can get by with being pretty blunt with him. I get absolutely no credit. For some reason my name has not gone down in history, but I was very respected on and off the field. After the war I moved to Italy was fairly successful.

Odysseus: Hi I’m Odysseus. I’m the king of Ithaca, a very small kingdom. I’m also very clever and Athena is my main supporter. I was reluctant to go to war because my wife had just given birth to our fist son, Telemachus, and I had no beef with Troy. I tried to dodge the draft by pretending I was crazy. When Agamemnon came to get me, I plowed the beach and sowed the furrows with salt. Unfortunately, Prince Palamades—a fellow soldier-—tricked me by putting my newborn son in front of the plow. I had to stop or kill him, so my ruse did not work (I later got revenge on Palamades by plotting his death). I’m the Greek who thought up the idea of the Trojan Horse. Agamemnon trusts me a lot, and I’m best friends with Diomedes. When the war was over, it was me who took Hector’s son and threw him off the walls of Troy. I survive the war, but because I was proud and did not pay enough attention to the gods, they were angry with me and kept me wandering for 10 years. At least some guy named Homer wrote an epic poem about my travels. It’s called The Odyssey, and it’s named after me.

Patroclus: Hi I’m Patroclus. I vied for Helen’s hand. Don’t be fooled by the movie Troy. I’m not Achilles’ cousin. I’m his best friend, and there’s speculation that we have an alternative relationship. I suspect I’m going to have to die during the war.

Achilles: Hi, I’m Achilles. My mom is Thetis, the nymph whose wedding caused this whole thing. Because of my mom, I grew really fast, which explains why I’m ready to fight in a battle when I should only be a couple of months old! When I was a baby, my mom dipped me in the river Styx to make me immortal, but she left my heel out, so I’m susceptible there. Of course the point of this is not that you need to get dipped entirely into the river. The point is that even the mightiest person has a vulnerable sport, physically, emotionally, spiritually, whatever. My mom is really over protective, so when she heard that there was going to be a kick-butt war, she knew I would want to go. She dressed me as a woman and hid me on an island at an all-girls school. Clever Odysseus knew how to lure me out. He disguised himself as a tradesman and came to the island with his wares. He showed us all scarves and make-up and the girls went crazy. But when he pulled out the sword, I got excited. My days of hiding were over and it was off to war! I don’t go anywhere now without my best friend Patroclus. We have a special relationship. When my friend Patroclus was killed by the Trojan prince Hector, I went absolutely crazy. I killed Hector and dragged his body around Troy, tied to may chariot. I’m far too passionate to survive this war.

Palamedes: Hi I’m Palamades Prince of Nauphia and I too vied for Helen’s hand. I’m pretty darn smart—as smart if not smarter than Odysseus. I don’t get along with Agamemnon and even threatened his rule. Because of this, it was easy for Odysseus to betray me and I was stoned to death by the army. However, my dad got revenge.

Agamemnon: Okay, looks like a good start for our army. We’ve got strong warriors with attitude. We should be in and out of Troy in a couple of weeks!

Script 8 Aulis: A Port in Greece

Cast needed: Menelaus, Artemis, Agamemnon, Odysseus, Achilles, Palamedes, Diomedes, Iphigenia, Clytemnestra, Calchas

Agamemnon: Well, here we all are at Aulis, the port where all our ships will set sail: all the ships gathered to fight in the largest war our world has ever known. I was getting a little stressed before the voyage. I’m glad I decided to go hunting. I killed a sacred dear of Artemis, but that’s okay. I’m a better hunter than she is.

Artemis (from the sky): You’ll regret this Agamemnon!

Odysseus: Hey Agamemnon, we’re ready to set sail, but the wind stopped blowing. Looks like we can’t set sail until the wind changes again.

Agamemnon: Rats! Call Calchas over here and let’s find out how long this will last.

Menelaus: Calchas? Isn’t he the Trojan prophet? What’s he doing here?

Agamemnon: He came to the oracle to get advice on winning the war. The oracle told him that Greece would win if it had Achilles. Since Achilles is on our side, Calchas joined us as well.

Calchas: Yes my lord? You called?

Agamemnon: I did indeed. Odysseus tells me that the wind has changed and we can’t move until it shifts again. How long will it last?

Calchas: I won’t say my lord. If I do, you might get mad and take it out on me.

Agamemnon: Oh come on you knucklehead. The troops are getting restless!

Palamedes: Agamemnon, the troops are getting restless! I just invented dice so they could entertain themselves, but I can’t hold them much longer.

Agamemnon: Come on Calchas. We haven’t got all day. What’s going on?

Calchas: Okay my liege. Artemis is angry that you killed her deer and then bragged about it. She’s not going to change the wind until you sacrifice something important to you.

Agamemnon: Darn that goddess! Okay, go get my favorite dog.

Palamedes: Agamemnon, the troops are getting restless! Hurry up and get that wind changed!

Calchas: The dog won’t work. You have to sacrifice your daughter, Iphinigia.

Agamemnon: What!? Do you think we’re a bunch of nuts? I’m not going to do that!

Calchas: If you don’t sacrifice her, you’ll never set sail. You’ll be the laughing stock of Greece and you’ll miss out on your chance to defeat Troy.

Palamedes: Agamemnon, the troops are getting restless! Hurry up and get that wind changed! If you don’t, they’re going to replace you with me as commander.

Agamemnon: Okay, but how do I get my wife Clymtestra to send Iphigenia down here?

Odysseus: I’m the clever one! I’ve got an idea. Tell Clytemnestra that you’ve found a husband for Iphigenia. Tell her it’s Achilles. Then when she arrives you can sacrifice her!

Achilles: This is a cowardly plot. I’ll have nothing to do with it. Agamemnon, you’re a real creep. I detest you!

Diomedes: That’s a great plan. I’ll help I any way I can. After all, it’s war that’s most important.

Time passes and Clytemnestra and Iphigenia arrive at Aulis.

Agamemnon: Clytemnestra! You’re looking lovely today. Thanks for bringing Iphigenia. Now, it’s time for the ceremony.

Clytemnestra: But she’s not ready. She needs the dress, the shoes, the flowers. We need to plan the reception, and I haven’t even met the groom. Is this Achilles?

Achilles: Yes my lady it is. And I had nothing to do with this dastardly deed! I’m leaving!

Iphigenia: Wait! Isn’t that supposed to be my husband? Why’s he leaving? What’s going on here?

Agamemnon: Sure he is honey. Pay no attention to his pre-wedding jitters. Now come along to this special alter I’ve made for you. Just lie down here and get comfortable. We’ll do a pre-wedding cleansing and then Achilles will come back. Okay Calchas, bring on the knife.

Clytemnestra: Wait! What are you doing? No! Stop!

Iphigenia: AGGGGGG!!!!

Agamemnon: Hey! What’s that cloud shaped like a deer?

Calchas: That’s Artemis, coming to take your daughter to a safe place.

Clytemnestra: Safe place my foot! You jerk! You tricked me into bringing our daughter down here just to kill her! I vow revenge. You know I’m not content to be the typical Greek woman who just takes what’s handed to her. You’ll pay for this!! (stomps off)

Calchas: Well, at least the wind has changed. It’s time to go to war.

Script 9 Troy

Cast needed: Menelaus, Agamemnon, Odysseus, Achilles, Calchas, Chryseis, Chryses

Agamemnon: Now that we’re here at Troy, we can’t get in to fight the Trojans! Their walls are so awesomely big and strong. It’s as if they were built by a god.

Calchas: In fact my lord, legend has it that the walls were built by Apollo and Poseidon when they served their time on Earth for trying to overthrow Zeus.

Agamemnon: Well, that explains a lot. I guess we’ll just lay siege to Troy and wait them out.

Calchas: In all deference to your exulted intelligence, the Trojans are very ready for such a battle plan. They have wells within the walls, stocked storerooms, lots of friends in this area of the world who will come to their aid, and you don’t have enough guys to surround the walls.

Agamemnon: What do you mean I don’t have enough guys? I’ve got lots of guys.

Calchas: Troy has a number of gates. You can’t cover them all and protect your boats from fire. The Trojans will be able to get out and gather supplies and allies. If you pursue them, they might make it to the beach and set fire to our boats. Then we’d be screwed!

Agamemnon: Okay, we’ll do our best and sit them out.

Odysseus: Hey, I’m the clever one. I have an idea. Why don’t we keep the men sharp by sending them to the surrounding towns and sacking them. We’ll not only get some cool booty, but we’ll prevent the Trojans from being supported by those towns.

Agamemnon: That’s a great idea Odysseus. You really are clever. We’ll make Achilles captain of the raiding parties since he’s so good at what he does.

Achilles: Nice try sucking up you wind bag. I’ll do it, but I’ll do it because I want to, not because you asked me to. I hate you! (Exits, stomping).

Menelaus: Meanwhile, we should fight those Trojans coming out of their gates. Hey, who’s the big dude with the manly muscles and super armor?

Calchas: That’s Prince Hector. He’s the best Trojan fighter there is and captain of their army. No one can beat him.

Menelaus: And look, there’s that pansy Paris. He’s wearing a leopard skin! It’s so not right with those sandals. And he’s an archer. Only pansies are archers. If he was a manly man he would have a big sword like me!

Achilles: I’m back with some booty.

Agamemnon: I like this girl. I’ll take her as my special tent friend. What’s your name girl?

Chryseis: I’m Chryseis. My dad is Chryses, a priest of Apollo and really powerful. He’ll want me back so don’t get too used to me.

Agamemnon: Too bad. Achilles, take what ever you want that’s left over.

Achilles: I’m taking this girl, Breseis. She’s going to be my special tent friend. Come on girl.

Chryses: Greetings mighty Agamemnon. I’m Chryses, priest of Apollo and father to Chryseis. I’ve come to offer a ransom for my daughter. You know that this is not uncommon, and sometimes soldiers can be captured numerous times in a single war and ransomed over and over.

Agamemnon: Too bad daddy-O. I would rather have this girl as my special tent friend than my own wife. I’m going to take her back to Mycenae with me and make her my love slave forever.

Chryses: You’re in trouble now. I’m going home to pray to Apollo to smite you.

Agamemnon: Good riddance.

Script 10 The Greek Camp Outside of Troy

Cast needed: Agamemnon, Odysseus, Achilles, Palamedes, Diomedes, Nauphlius, Army voices

Odysseus: Man, I am so bored. This war has been going on for years and I have nothing to do. And that Palamedes is getting more and more popular. But I’m pretty clever. I think I’ll take him out. Diomedes, are you with me?

Diomedes: You bet I am. I could use a little distraction. It’s just hurry up and wait, kill a few Trojans, then hurry up and wait again.

Odysseus: Let’s bury this gold in Palamedes’ tent and then accuse him of being a Trojan spy.

Diomedes: How will we make the connection between Troy and the gold?

Odysseus: We’ll write a note faking his handwriting saying when and how he will betray us.

Diomedes: That’s pretty ironic considering he’s the one credited with expanding our alphabet and even teaching us how to write.

Odysseus: Yea, he thinks he’s so smart. It’ll serve him right. Here comes Agamemnon. It’s the perfect time. Hey Agamemnon, did you know Palamedes is a traitor?

Agamemnon: No way! You know I don’t like the guy. He threatened my rule of the army and thus my manliness. But as much of a jerk as I can be, even I know better than to accuse such a popular guy without proof.

Diomedes: Oh, we have proof. We found this note from him to the Trojans. Look, he’s betraying us.

Agamemnon: We better have an open trial for this. Gather the army and dig up his tent floor. I like to do everything in front of an audience.

Palamedes: What the heck? What are you guys doing?

Odysseus: We’re digging up your tent floor to find Trojan gold. See? I found all this gold. And here’s a note to the Trojans. Go figure! You’re a traitor!

Palamedes: I didn’t write that note! I know “Trogan” isn’t spelled with a G; it’s spelled with a J. I’m being set up.

Achilles: I’m siding with Palamedes. I don’t like Agamemnon, so no matter what he says I’m going to be contrary and say the opposite. Besides, if Odysseus is involved with this, it’s probably some kind of trick.

Agamemnon: Too bad. I like Odysseus and Diomedes. I think the evidence is indisputable and I’m the big cheese here. You need to die Palamedes. Come on army. Let’s stone him to death.

Army: Agg! Stone him!

Palamedes: Oh no! I’m dying. You’ll regret this; I just know it.

Nauphlius: Hi Agamemnon. I’m Palamedes’ dad. I’ve come for a visit.

Agamemnon: Uh, hey there. Sorry about this, but Palamedes is dead.

Nauphlius: Dead! Did he die bravely in battle? Where is the monument to my son?

Agamemnon: Uh, well actually, we just finished stoning him to death for being a traitor.

Nauphlius: Traitor!? Not my kid. Show me the evidence.

Agamemnon: Uh, well, here it is.

Nauphlius: You moron. This isn’t my kid’s handwriting. He won the local spelling bee and in this note “Trogan” is spelled with a G not a J. Somebody set him up. What are you going to do about it?

Agamemnon: Uh, well, nothing. We’re fighting a war here, you know. We don’t have time to mess around with spelling details. So go home old man.

Odysseus and Diomedes: Yea, go home old man!

Nauphlius: You bet I will. But I’ll get my revenge on every last one of you. I’m going to stop at each port on the way home and tell all your wives that you’re shacking up with special tent friends and that when you return you plan on kicking the old wives out and putting the tent friends in their place. Hell hath no fury like a woman scored.

Odysseus: Gee, he sounds pretty mad

Agamemnon: Who cares? My wife has no spunk and is a mindless Greek woman. She’ll do what I tell her. I could bring home a bevy of women and she would have to take it.

Odysseus: Yea, I guess my wife is kind of like that too . . .

Script 11 The Greek Camp Outside of Troy

Cast needed: Agamemnon, Odysseus, Achilles, Calchas, Nestor, Thetis, Athena,

Apollo: I’m really peeved about my priest being treated with such disrespect. I think I’ll shoot down some plague-tipped arrows into the Greek camp and decimate them. After all, this war has gone on long enough. It’s been 9 years! And the camp must stink with the filth of this massive army. The Greeks really weren’t prepared to stay this long.

Agamemnon: Holy Smokes! Why are all my men dying? Let’s call an assembly and get the entire army together and ask some probing questions. That way, all can see my superior decision making. Make sure Calchas comes. He needs to tell me why the gods are so mad at me. Hey Calchas, why are all these guys dying? I’m sure it has nothing to do with the unsanitary conditions in the camp.

Calchas: I won’t tell you and you can’t make me.

Agamemnon: Why not? You’re sounding like that Theban prophet, Terisies. Are you chicken? Chick, chick, chick!

Calchas: Yes I am chicken. When you find out what’s going on, you’ll be mad and you’ll take it out on me.

Achilles: Don’t worry Calchas. I’ll protect you from the windbag bully.

Calchas: Promise?

Achilles: Promise.

Calchas: Well okay. The gods are mad because Agamemnon won’t give Chryseis back to her dad. Apollo is going to destroy this army until it’s done.

Nestor: I’m an old man full of advice. In fact, I’m really old. So old, I actually sailed with Jason. Oh, and I can ramble on for pages and pages, but to put it bluntly, Agamemnon, you need to return the girl.

Agamemnon: Hey, that Achilles needs to stop calling me names. I’m no a windbag. Nestor is the windbag. But anyway, I don’t want to return her. It will make me look weak to give up my special tent friend.

Achilles: You’re a selfish pig Agamemnon. Just suck it up and do without for a while. I hate you!

Agamemnon: Okay you little punk. I’ll return her, but if I return her, I get to pick any girl from anyone that I want. And Achilles, I’m picking your special tent friend, Briseis.

Achilles: I’ll tear you a part you big piece of lamb poop. I do all the work around here. I give and I give and I give, and all you do is loll about on your butt. You take my special tent friend and you’ll find yourself waking up dead.

Agamemnon: Did you hear that? He threatened me!

Athena: I guess I need to make myself invisible and talk to that hothead Achilles. You moron Achilles. I want Greece to win this war, and they can’t do that without you. Sit tight. Everything will work out.

Achilles: Okay Athena, but I’m not happy about it. I won’t kill this piggy piece of poo, but I won’t fight for him either. Agamemnon, if you take Briseis, I’m going home. I quit! And I’m taking my soldiers, the fearless Myrmidons, with me. So there! Watch me present a major theme of the Iliad here: RAGE!!

Agamemnon: Good riddance! We don’t need you!

Calchas: Actually your majesty. We need him to win this war. The gods have determined that.

Agamemnon: Listen Mr. Smarty Pants, I don’t pay you to flatter Achilles. I pay you to flatter me! But tell me, what’s he doing down by the shore and who is he talking to?

Calchas: He’s talking to his mom, that watery nymph Thetis. She’s in good with Zeus, so we better be careful. If the gods really start getting overly involved in this war, they’ll be no controlling it.

Achilles: Mom! I’m really sad and mad. Agamemnon took my special tent friend and now my pride is hurt.

Thetis: Don’t worry honey. Mommy will take care of that bully. I’ll go talk to Zeus. Zeus! You know we’ve always gotten along. I was on your side when the gods tried to overthrow you. I’ve always supported you, and there’s that really cool painting of me in the position of supplication. In fact, I’ll get in that position of supplication now. I need a favor. Side with the Trojans for a while just to get Agamemnon in trouble with the army. Then he’ll look bad without Achilles and everyone will beg Achilles to come back.

Zeus: Anything you say Thetis. Hera will get mad, but what’s new?

Script 12 The Greek Camp Outside of Troy

Cast needed: Hector, Ajax the Greater, Calchas, Menelaus, Paris, Aphrodite, Random Soldier, Agamemnon, Random narrator

Hector: This war is going on too long. There must be a manly way to settle this dispute in a fair way. Let’s fight man to man. Who will represent the Greeks and who will represent the Trojans? Paris should represent the Trojans.

Paris: But Helen won’t like that.

Hector: Paris, I don’t like you. Nobody likes you. You pretty boy, you woman-struck seducer; why were you ever born? Why weren’t you killed before your wedding day? You are too cowardly to stand up to the man you have wronged? Your lyre would not help you at all, nor Aphrodite’s gifts, those locks of yours and your good looks. The Trojans are too soft. Otherwise you would have been stoned to death long ago for the evil you have done.

Paris: Okay then, I’ll just go keep Helen company.

Hector: No way Jose. You get back here in your leopard skin tights and fight like a man!

Agamemnon: Since I’m the king and everyone obeys me, I’ll just command Menelaus to fight for the Greeks. After all, it’s his wife.

Menelaus: Bring it on!!

Random Narrator: They fight and fight and fight.

Menelaus: I’m seriously kicking this Trojan’s butt. He’s on the ground now and I’m going to decapitate him.

Random Narrator: Menelaus strikes at Paris but misses his neck and hits his helmet.

Menelaus: Yikes, I missed his head and struck his helmet with my sword. Now my sword is broken! What can I do? I think I’ll just grab this pansy by his helmet plume and drag him around until he’s strangled.

Random Narrator: Menelaus grabs Paris’ helmet puff and starts to drag him around hoping to strangle the prince.

Menelaus: Darn! His helmet strap just broke! He’s a lucky guy. Hey! Where is he? Paris just disappeared!

Aphrodite (floating above): I saved my own darling Paris. I spirited him away from this bad situation and straight into the arms of Helen.

Menelaus: Hector! You’re in charge of the Trojans. Where is Paris?

Random Soldier: I just saw Paris in the arms of Helen in his bedroom.

Hector: Jimminy Christmas! He’s such a wimp! Okay, I’ll take over the fight (I do everything else around here), but let’s be fair and have a rested soldier. Menelaus, who will represent the Greeks?

Ajax the Greater: Me!

Random Soldier: Wow, they’ve been fighting a long time. All day. Looks like they’re stopping. That’s what they do in ancient Greece; they stop fighting at night and clean up the wounded and dead.

Hector: You’re a good fighter Ajax. I think this is a draw, which makes sense since we represent our countries and they’ve essentially been totally balanced these past nine years. I honor you. Here’s a special sword that I hope you’ll accept as a gift.

Ajax: You’re not so shabby yourself Hector. To honor you I’m going to give you this fancy man-sash.

Calchas: Little do these men know that these gifts will fac

Script 13 The Greek Camp Outside of Troy

Cast needed: Achilles, Patroclus, Hector, Thetis

Agamemnon: Man, since Hector and Ajax fought, we’ve been really going at it. With Achilles not here, we are getting our butts kicked by the Trojans. We really need Achilles, but I’m way too proud to ask him to come back. What are we going to do?

Patroclus: Hey Agamemnon. I’m Patroclus, Achilles’ best friend. I walk like Achilles, I talk like Achilles, I fight like Achilles, and I fit his armor. I’m going to put on his armor and lead the army and they’ll think it’s Achilles and we’ll dominate. It’s a shame the Greeks are losing now, so I’ll do what I can to stop that.

Agamemnon: Okay Patroclus. Does Achilles know you’re doing this?

Patroclus: Yea. He said it was fine, just that I shouldn’t use his sword.

Agamemnon: Cool. Just stay away from Hector. He’s an animal on the battlefield.

Patroclus: Actually, I’m going to go right for Hector. He’s a pain in the Greek’s butt and I’m going to take him out.

Hector: Oh boy. Finally Achilles is back in the battle. I’m going to take him down.

Patroclus: Oh no! Hector is killing me! Oh no! I’m dead!

Hector: Now that I’ve killed Achilles, I’m going to strip his body of the armor. This is something that the Greeks do. Not only do we get some really great armor, but we also get to show everyone our spoils of war. It’s a guy thing. Dang! This isn’t Achilles. Oh well, I’ll take his armor anyway.

Achilles: Patroclus! Ye Gads! My special best friend is dead. I’m going to get that Prince Hector. I don’t care about Agamemnon, myother special tent friend, or my pride any more. Friendship is more important than anything! I’m going to go absolutely mad with the passion of revenge. It will drive everything from my mind. But first, I need some new armor.

Thetis: Don’t worry honey. I’ve already gotten Hephestus to make up some new fashionable battle garb. He also made this swell new shield. It’s so special that Homer wrote pages describing it. And there’s even been a poem about it written about it by W.H. Auden, a British poet.

Achilles: Thanks mom, I’m off to war and I’ll kill Hector.

Hector: Oh no you’re not. I’m going to get you. Let’s fight!! Oh no! I’m dying! Achilles, make sure you give my body to my family so they can send me to Hades properly. Oh no, I’m dead.

Achilles: I’m not doing anything decent like giving your body back. I’ll take that fancy man-sash Ajax gave you, tie your ankles with it, tie you to my chariot and drag you around the walls of Troy. Then everyone will see what a strong man I am.

Script 14 The Greek Camp Outside of Troy

Cast needed: Achilles, Priam, Hermes, Polyxena, Odysseus, Zeus, Paris

Priam: I’m a bit upset that my son’s body is being dragged around the Greek camp. I really want to take care of him. In fact, I’ve heard that he weeps for Patroclos, drives Hector around the funeral pyre, weeps some more, drives some more. It’s a wonder that poor Hector’s body isn’t a mangled heap.

Zeus (in the sky): It’s really shameful how Achilles is treating Hector’s body. Hector was a good boy. We’ve got to do something about this. Hermes, go help Priam get Hector back.

Hermes: Why me? I’m the god of messengers, not errands.

Zeus: Because you’re also a psychopomp.

Hermes: I am? What’s a psychopomp?

Zeus: A psychopomp is a really cool word and one that I think every student of mythology should know as it will probably appear on a test. Here, let me spell it for you: P-S-Y-C-H-O-P-O-M-P. It’s one who guides the souls of the dead. You usually guide the dead to Hades, but in this case, you can either consider the Greek camp to be like the land of the dead, or you can consider Priam to be close to death with the loss of his son.

Hermes: Strange logic, but I’ll do it boss. Hey Priam, I’m going to take you across the Greek camp to retrieve Hector’s body.

Priam: Thanks Hermes. Let’s go.

Traveling, traveling, traveling

Priam: This looks like Achilles’ tent here. Hey Achilles, I’m an old man and I want to weep for the pain of the world. This war has broken my heart and you’ve done unspeakable things to my son. Please give him back to me.

Achilles: You’re right Priam. I too wish to weep for humanity. I think I’ll have a dramatic change of mood here. After all, I tend to be consistently inconsistent. Here’s your son’s body. See you later. I think I’ll go to the temple of Athena to pray. It’s a temple where both sides can go and no one is allowed to fight.

Odysseus: Hey Achilles, I know that I’m supposed to be a clever guy, but where are you going?

Achilles: I’m going to the temple of Athena to pray.

Odysseus: I’m a big fan of Athena. I’ll sneak along to watch what happens and do a little praying myself.

Polyxena: Here I am, Polyxena, youngest daughter of Priam and Hecuba, praying at the temple of Athena. Hey, who’s that cutie?

Achilles: I’m Achilles, and you’re not so bad yourself. I’m a passionate guy who doesn’t think things through. Let’s hook up.

Polyxena: Sure, just let me get some things from my rooms.

Achilles: Okay baby. I’ll be waiting.

Polyxena: Hey dad. There’s this Achilles guy in the temple. He thinks I’ve got the hots for him, but I’m really going to set him up. Send someone in to kill him.

Priam: Nice job Polyxena. Paris!? Go shoot Achilles in the foot with an arrow will you?

Paris: Sure dad.

Achilles: Oh crap! I’ve been shot in the heel with an arrow. I’m dying!

Odysseus: Wow, I’m glad I came here. I’ll rescue Achilles’ body from the temple and take it back to camp.

Script 15 The Greek Camp Outside of Troy

Cast needed: Odysseus, Thetis, Ajax the Greater, Agamemnon, Athena, Achilles (dead), Ajax the Lesser, Cassandra

Odysseus, (dragging Achilles’ body): Hey everyone! Achilles is dead!

Agamemnon: Bummer! NOT! I’m sick of that punk strutting around camp. And since he took out Hector, we don’t need him anymore. So let’s get down to business. I guess the next big question is who gets his fancy schmancy armor?

Thetis: Hey there! I’m going to mourn for my son, but first I think it only right that I decide who gets the armor; after all, I’m the mom. I think it should go to the best warrior in the camp.

Agamemnon: I’ll just take that armor little lady.

Thetis: Backup the windbag truck big guy! My son didn’t like you, and if you think I’m going to sit by and watch you parade around in his outfit, you’ve got another think coming. Nope! But I’m not stupid either. I know how to flatter a man to get my way. I want you big Mr. General guy to be the one who decides who is the best soldier. That way you can’t get the armor and you get to be the one to really peeve someone. Hey, this is kind of like the apple of discord trick. As I recall, that didn’t end well

Odysseus: Excuse me, but as the cleverest guy around here, I think it goes to me. Besides, I would look best in such an outfit.

Ajax: Smart is good, but big is better. Pretty armor!! Give me!!

Agamemnon: This is tough! Sorry Ajax, but I need Odysseus on my side more than you. The armor goes to Odysseus.

Ajax: Me mad! Me go to tent and plot to kill Odysseus. When he sleep, me go and stab him.

Athena: Ye gads! I can’t let this happen to my pet Odysseus. I’ll cast a spell of madness on Ajax that will thwart his attempt.

Ajax: Me on my way to kill Odysseus. Is that him? Yes! There are many of him. Me will kill. Kill!! Kill!! KILL!!!

Odysseus: Boy did I sleep well. I dreamed I was on Project Runway modeling my new armor. Just kidding. Hey! Why are all our sheep lying on the ground? Hey! They’re all dead! What’s this? Ajax has killed all the sheep!

Ajax: Oh no. Me thought sheep was Odysseus. Me ashamed. Me kill self with sword Hector gave me. AGGGGGG!!

Agamemnon: Crimmeny Odysseus. This war has gone on long enough and I’m tired of wasting class time. Can you please just come up with the idea of the Trojan Horse so we can get it over with?

Odysseus: What a great idea Agamemnon! Let’s build a hollow horse, hide some warriors inside, and sail the ships away. When the Trojans find the horse, they’ll drag it inside and celebrate the end of the war. While they’re all sleeping off the excessive celebration, the guys in the horse will pop out, open the gates to the rest of the army, and shazam! And when we’re done sacking the city, I’ll throw the babies off the wall, laugh in triumph and take credit for winning the war. Then I’ll selfishly forget to thank the gods. That will really make Poseidon mad. But I don’t care because I’m only going to selfishly think of myself. Once I get in my boat to set sail though, I’ll find out that I’ve made a mistake.

Ajax the lesser: Oh yea? Well I can beat that. I’m going to help you sack the city and when I lay eyes on Cassandra taking sanctuary in the temple of Athena, I’m going to disregard all rules of religious and battle etiquette and rape here there. Athena will be so mad she’ll just take me out as soon as I put foot on my ship.

Cassandra: NOOOO!! I’m leading a cursed life!

Agamemnon: You think that’s bad? I’m going to take Cassandra as my booty. We’ll go back to Mycenae so I can continue my tyrannical rule. Too bad for me that on his way home from visiting his dead son Palamades, Nauphlius kept his word. He stopped by my house and told Clytemnestra that I had a special tent friend who would take her place. She was already pretty mad at me for killing our daughter. She greeted me and Cassandra at the door.

Cassandra: NOOOO!!

Agamemnon: That’s right, that’s what you screamed. You kept saying something about not going in the house because you . . . you . . . what was it?

Cassandra: NOOOO!! I smell blood!!

Agamemnon: That’s right, you kept saying you smelled blood. And you were right! Clytemnestra killed us both with an ax—she got me in the bathtub. What a bummer!

Odysseus: You’re right. I do have it better than you guys. At least my story continues. But that’s for another class period.