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5-17-2011

The Bates Spudent - volume 140 number [19] - May 17, 2011

Bates College

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Tannenbauirfs ETH: Bobcat to Bearcat, I got Fiasco: Car caught cheating becomes VYBZ Shuttle spudent Exclusive Your Late Night Mistakes Contributing regret

You may have heard reports that Assistant Dean of Students Keith Tan- nebaum’s car was stolen after the Lupe Fiasco concert in the wee hours of Thursday morning. You may have also heard that the car was recovered by po¬ lice on Friday afternoon a few blocks away from campus. What you haven’t heard is what happened to Tannebaum’s car during the time it was missing. has the exclusive details on the theft. According to police reports, Tan- nenbaum’s Honda Pilot, which had been left running outside of Security, was spotted by a group of students who were headed to Chase Hall to wait for the shuttle to Club VYBZ. When they spotted the car in front of Security, they became confused. Thinking that per¬ haps the pickup point for Club VYBZ had changed, they hopped into Tan¬ nebaum’s car, chanting “Shots! Shots! Shots!” and making the familiar sound of the VYBZ airhorn. Upon entering the car, they realized that there was no driver. Rather than taking this as a clue that the car they had entered was in fact not the VYBZ shuttle, they proceeded to call a sober friend to drive. This individual, whose identity is not being released due to a potential criminal investigation, spoke with The Student about the evening. “I absolutely did not know it was Dean Tannebaum’s car” said the un¬ named student driver. “My friend called me saying he needed a ride to VYBZ and to meet him outside of Security. When I got there and asked whose car it was, they all started making that airhorn noise.” Thinking that the Honda Pilot Your Roommate’s Sister old of an age, Hansen wanted to step the K-12 crowd.” their hounds, mutts and Boston terri¬ must have belonged to one of the pas¬ Delivers Dominos 24/7 down earlier rather than later. Since the Aside from wanting to preserve her ers on campus, came to the Hansens’ sengers who was too drunk to drive, time of Clifton Daggett Gray, portrait youthful looks and spirit, Hansen is re¬ defense, the Board maintained that the student got in and headed towards sittings have been scheduled before the portedly frustrated that her house is not since President Hansen’s husband, Stan, Lisbon Street. By the time Tannenbaum Besides President Elaine Tutde departing president leaves the position, up to snuff for a Chaucer scholar and walks the two small dogs so frequently left Security, his car was nowhere to be Hansen’s own officially-communicated and having received so many compli¬ former editor of the Middle English on campus, they were an eyesore for found. motivations for abandoning the presi¬ ments about how good she looks for dictionary. According to the Physical prospective students. Furthermore, the While the driver originally planned dency of one of the nation’s best liberal her age, Hansen did not want her por¬ Plant receptionists who have been the Board argued, the potential that Phyllis to return directly to campus, this proved arts colleges for an executive position trait — soon to take up residence in the primary victims of Hansen’s late-night Graber Jensen would capture them on impossible. “As soon as my friends overseeing a pretentiously-tided sum¬ good company of the other presidential harassments, the President has her heart camera was too risky. hopped out of the car, more people mer program for overconfident, over¬ portraits on the second floor of Lane set on a trendier interior design with Regardless of Hansen’s personal piled in. I tried to explain to them that scheduled and hyperactive children, Hall - to miss this stage in her life. an emphasis on stainless steel appli¬ reasons for leaving, her resignation I wasn’t actually the shuttle, but they The Student has learned that the Board In her letter, Hansen added that ances. As soon-to-be interim president comes amidst a period of administra¬ were all chanting ‘Milts! Milts! Milts’ too of Trustees has launched an investiga¬ she had never really seen herself stay¬ Nancy Cable explained, leaving Bates tive restructuring at the College. The loud to hear me,” explained the driver. tion into Hansen’s fidelity to the this ing at Bates for that long anyway. “Nine is not just about President Hansen va¬ only other tenured member of the Ad¬ Rather than try to reason with the very institution that may have forced her res¬ years feels right. I’ve never really liked cating her office in ; it’s about ministration, Dean of the Faculty and sweaty passengers, the driver elected to ignation. Rumors abound among high round numbers, so serving another year vacating the College-owned property Academic Affairs Jill Reich, is also giv¬ return to campus. profile alumni in the New York Bates to make it an even 10 just wasn’t worth on College Street. “I can’t wait to take ing up her Lane Hall office to spend Upon dropping the passengers off Business Network that Hansen may it to me.” Incidentally, or perhaps not, over that office - the view is sick; but I more time with the young folk. She will outside of Milts as they demanded, the have been secredy concurrendy serv¬ Hansen’s tenure as provost of Haver- never considered moving in to that grey return to teaching as a tenured member car was once again mobbed with stu¬ ing as the president of Baruch College, ford only lasted an odd seven. “Five hovel.” of the psychology faculty after a year¬ dents eager to get to Club VYBZ. “Se¬ of the City University of New York years felt to short, but there again, I When the Board of Trustees re¬ long sabbatical. Reich’s professional riously, they didn’t care that I wasn’t the (CUNY) for the past two years. just could not make it to 10; that’s why fused to approve Hansen’s implorations adjustments, however, have their own actual shuttle. I could have driven them “The idea that she — as Den Mother I applied for the job at Bates,” she ex¬ for granite kitchen countertops, Han¬ murky foundations. anywhere,” said the incredulous driver. of 1,700 Bobcats — could ditch Bates plained. sen reportedly grew indignant. Even Documents leaked to The Student Rather than take advantage of fellow for some glass ensconced corner office A personal shopper from J. Crew though they will no longer receive free directly from Julian Assange reveal that Batesies, the driver decided to embrace staffed with city slickers is hurtful,” said has already selected Hansen’s attire for housing, the Hansens are hoping that Reich may have had more covert rea¬ the role of shuttle driver. “I think I one trustee who spoke on the condition the sitting. Hansen, who routinely ven¬ the real estate market in will sons for wanting to abandon her admin¬ made 10 trips that night. Man, drunk of anonymity since the investigation is tures to Merrill for early morning jogs offer more bang for their buck. Ac¬ istrative position. Reich was off campus kids love Club VYBZ.” ongoing. “We won’t know for certain on the in-door track, is the first presi¬ cording to Wikipedia, Hansen made the last week of April and the first Still unaware that the car in question until the investigation is complete, but dent to opt for a full-length portrait. 5432,000 in 2010. week of May, and airline ticket records belonged to Tannenbaum, the driver this would certainly explain her fre¬ However, because she did not raise Sources who wish to remain anony¬ indicate that she flew to Washington parked the car in the Merrill Parking lot. quent flights to LaGuardia, which were enough money during her nine years to mous for fear of reprisal also reveal on Tuesday, April 24th. Internal com¬ However, with both the Lewiston park¬ formerly shrouded in mystery.” compensate for Bates’ lagging endow¬ that the Hansens were not receptive to munications between the Defense De¬ ing ban and the Merrill restriction lifted, In her own communications to the ment, the College has commissioned a the Board’s increasingly forceful sug¬ partment Intelligence Agency and the no one thought to look there. While po¬ college community, Hansen has steered senior studio art major to paint it. gestions that the family find new dogs. Central Intelligence Agency reveal that lice scoured the area for signs of Tan¬ away from these accusations. Just as In a conversation with The Stu¬ Their two shiatsus allegedly did not re¬ a security detail was assigned to Reich in nebaum’s vehicle, it sat unnoticed in the Hansen kept the campus in suspense dent, Hansen admitted that her new flect the proper image for Bates, accord¬ Afghanistan somewhere near the Paki¬ otherwise abandoned Merrill lot. about her new position after announc¬ position as Director of John Hopkins’ ing to the Board. “We were thinking of stani border sometime after Thursday, The next night at 11 p.m. the driver ing her resignation, up until now she Center for Talented Youth, while it will a specimen more along the lines of the April 26th. As one of the secretaries in was inundated with text messages. “All has been tight-lipped about the reasons not preserve her present vitality in the Golden Retrievers featured in L.L. Bean Lane Hall whispered to the editors of of a sudden, my phone was blowing up for her departure. But in a letter to same manner as her likeness in acryl¬ catalogues,” Director of the Board of The Student in line at Dunkin Donuts, with people asking me when the shuttle the campus community sent via An¬ ics, should help keep her young. “I just Trustees Michael Bonney ’80 said. “It may very well be that the Dean of was going to leave.” Still in possession nounce e-mail late last night, Hansen had this epiphany where I realized that I Although Chaplain Bill Blaine-Wal- the Faculty was just too visible a posi¬ of the keys and believing the car be- finally clarified her reasons for leaving should abandon the stuffy collegiate at¬ lace, Dean Holly Gurney and Professor tion for someone linked to the killing of Bates. Citing concerns that her presi¬ mosphere and forge new relations with of History Karen Melvin, who walk 0[s]ama bin Laden.” See KEITH. PAGE 2 dential portrait would capture her at too

Inside thespudent : Garcelon to turn into bail pit page 4 I Farewell to '80s dance page 3 Jon Smiedman it exposes Archibald Secrets page 2 Tuesday, May 17, 2011 The Bates Spudent Forum

Forum Letters to smack the Editor Archibald 12 unfairly I yyyyyyy ETH... Dearest Editors, distributing funds, As President Hansen packs up her belongings to hit the old dusty trail, I cannot help but be nostalgic for all the memories we shared. For this reason, I thought it appropriate to write to the Bates Spudent and remind the College com¬ munity why President Hansen was, simply put, a legend. It wasn’t until my sophomore year that I found out that President Hansen surfs alongside manatees in the Florida wont acknowledge Keys in her free time. As an avid manatee lover myself, this was the moment I knew we would click. During the Mount David Summit later that year, we compared our respective ankle manatee tattoos (and yes, hers was better, but not as good as Dean Sawyers’ dolphin tattoo.) Who could forget the time President Hansen was arrested by the I^wiston Police Department for “raging” outside he’s my counterpart of Smith last throw back night? Watching her “ice” her arresting officer gave the rest of the student body the courage to move on after the incident. President Hansen clearly led by example. I have respected President Hansen the most watching her perform her day-to-day tasks. Who could forget her bi¬ If student government Treasurer to take Hunter’s coat. I wasn’t being weekly trips to Vegas to gamble with the Board of Trustees? She taught me that you truly lose 100 percent of the bets Hunter Archibald were carrying out his weird, it was just raining and he looked you don’t make. duties in a professional and impartial wet and I thought it was nice that my I’ve heard from many students that they won’t miss President Hansen because she was never on campus. However, manner, I would be happy to praise his couch blankets at home were the ex¬ these students just failed to spot her because she did such a good job of blending in with the rest of the student body. At efforts. This is not a personal attack; I act same color as his t-shirt. I know the end of the day, she was just one of us. have only the interests of the school whenever I talk to my Mom she says at heart, but,Archibald’s recent actions Jon put that down and don’t get angry Xoxo, are the last straw. He has neglected me but I COULDN’T HELP IT WHEN Lonely in Lane and the entire student community, and I HE SAID HE WAS FINE LEAVING am compelled here to respond with the THE COAT ON I JUST WANTED hope of fomenting just consequence TO SEE HIM WITHOUT IT. through public scrutiny. Hunter please contact me, I wrote Columnist Recently, Archibald allocated my this article for you. own club a large sum of money for a I’m getting really upset. I just mes¬ BOBCAT-IN-CHIEF campus event. We got more than we saged you “Howdy pardner;)” on Face- needed through his generous decision, book and I’ve sat here for five minutes Editor but a subsequent move by the commit¬ with no response. How can I communi¬ tee was tremendously hurtful. Instead cate to you that we could be more than of agreeing to meet with me in person, what we presendy are? Hunter has neglected his professional You leave me no choice but to re¬ OIE: OMG, L0L..WIT? BRB > o.O < responsibilities to the detriment of the veal your deepest secrets so you can see quality of the committee’s rulings and that I’m serious. I have learned through Everyone in the Bates community quired to take an all-day course, prefer¬ it is imperative that we introduce it to my feelings. Even my camp friends, the multiple anonymous sources that can acknowledge that the Office of ably six hours or longer, on how to use administrators as soon as possible. The who I talked to about Hunt on Skype you are giving away money to fund your Intercultural Education (OIE) is strug¬ Google. No bathroom breaks allowed; technology exists, and the OIE is one last Saturday night, think that if he own concerts! The RA will tell you they gling, and has been since its creation. It we’ve got a lot of material to cover. office that can use all the help it can get. would just meet with me he’d see how had to pass all of the funding requests seems that the shift from multicultural Perhaps if we took the time to A rumor has been circulating cool I can be and how similar we are. but I’m familiar with your trickiness. In to intercultural has created a lot of con¬ teach individuals working within the around campus that the OIE is plan¬ My friend Elvador, who runs the my dream I saw you leaving Commons fusion, so much so that that OIE itself office to use Google, we would move ning to launch a “Wiki” page in the Flute Club, requested money to bring in a cloak carrying the head of a baby has no idea what it is supposed to be past the confusion plaguing the office. fall in hopes of better understanding musical act Alien Lumberjacks to cam¬ goat full of our school’s money. It ap¬ doing. Think about it: If those working within the needs of students and in turn the pus. Even though they’re one of my fa¬ pears to me that the cloak was being This lack of purpose is clearly dem¬ the office could Google definitions for job the office should be doing on this vorite bands, they were denied funding used as a cloak for a funding request. onstrated through the lack of presence intercultural and multicultural, and un¬ campus. I attempted to find more infor¬ by the Budget Committee because the This can only mean one thing... the OIE has had within the student derstand the differences between the mation about this proposed “Wiki” but show “wouldn’t reach a wide enough Wait... I didn’t mean it. I’ve been body and through questionable deci¬ two, the office could finally understand was told that Dean Davis was too busy demographic and its costs couldn’t be really stressed lately, and lonely. This sions made by the office. The OIE’s what it stands for! redecorating the OIE to answer ques¬ justified.” Hunter, I promise that if you was an attack on your committee’s pro¬ support of the highly problematic nap¬ Imagine a perfect world where an tions. would just let me play you an acoustic fessional conduct, but I never meant kin board is cited as one example of the all-day seminar on the joys of using However, even without speak¬ version of Chocolate Chip Trees you to single you out personally. This was office’s new image: an office that loves Google led to administrators under¬ ing with Dean Davis I think it is clear would like it and realize that we have stricdy about budget committee mal¬ to alienate students while claiming to standing their jobs, and in turn, actually that the proposed “Wiki” is just an the same taste in music. I could even do practice. I’m watching you in Commons bring them together. providing support and resources for electronic version of the problematic it in your room- why won’t you respond right now, so if you’re reading this and This got me thinking. Why wait for students. This can easily be a reality. Commons napkin board. Obviously to my Facebook messages? Every night want to meet up tonight signal me by the administration to fix the OIE when Google has long been a beacon of the “Wiki” is destined to fail. Instead, I count the days until your half-birthday finishing that banana. we as students can step up and take light for students lost in the abyss, try¬ the College can save money, time and and then spend that many seconds writ¬ charge of the office? I mean, it can’t get ing to figure out the meaning of their embarrassment by instituting an all-day ing the message, but still you act like any worse at this point. lives. It has gotten me through some Google workshop. The OIE finding its we’re just friendly. Jon Smiedman ’ll No office or organization can func¬ rough patches, mainly nights before a purpose and becoming an actual office One time, at a party, I offered tion without having a clear idea of what 20 page research paper is due. Given the is only a Google search away. it stands for. I propose that the entire fact that Google has a 95.3 percent suc¬ staff of the newly minted OIE be re¬ cess rate on this campus for students, Ttie Bates Spudent TEAM ted that “people imitating that airhorn the driver was forced to pay to have noise really started to grate on me.” the car cleaned. Not realizing that the The next day, the car was finally re¬ actual shutde drivers insist that passen¬ Keith covered. When the driver learned what gers refrain from drinking and smoking Editors-In-chief SPORTS Continued from PAGE 1 had happened, they immediately went inside the vehicle, the student driver Vybz Time Managing Editor: Natty Liqut to Tannebaum to return the keys and gave no instructions. Tannenbaum’s car Juicy Box rounds again. “It’s actually the world’s explain the situation. Given his frequent was found smelling strongly of Camel LAYOUT best people watching. I’d do it every day dealings with drunk students, Tan¬ Lights and Bud Light Lime. if I could.” However, the driver admit¬ Head Layout Designer: The Tricep nebaum was understanding. However, Managing Editor: The Balle End Managing Layout Editor: The Bicep Fomm Overheards HEWS Webmaster. The Tricep Managing Editor; Paris Hilton of Trenton Boy: How was your weekend? Boy 1: She’s my lab partner, so Boy: The weather sucks. it’s probably better if we just stay ARTS AND LEISURE Girl: Kind of boring. I finished friends. Girl: I know right. Managing Editor: The Opportunity Season Two of “Mad Men” though. Girl: This dinner sucks.

| .. ■ \ V,’ M' | Boy: I’ve never seen it, but I hear Girl 1: Want to go to the Goose Boy: I know right. MMI it’s really good. tonight? 1:: '• -:: * Girl: It is. Girl 2:1 can’t. I don’t have a fake. Boy 1: I’m hungry. Is Milts still Girl 1: You don’t? open? About The Spudent Boy 1:1 think that girl is really Girl 2: No. Do you know someone Boy 2: Yep cool. who looks like me? Boy 1:1 want grilled cheese. Boy 2: Are you gonna hook up? Girl 1: I’ll think about it. The Bates Spudent is a fake newspaper. That means that the names, photos, quotations, opin¬ ions, facts, implications, insinuations, comments, proposals, judgments and everything else found within it are fake. If you wanted something in this paper to have been real, we are sorry.

Bates College Class of 2011 will trade 3 nobodies for 1 RECOGN r Commencement Speaker

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j Tuesday, May 17, 2011 The Bates Spudent f-gycs and Leisure

plated opening the event up to the whole dance seemed even more dire when “ET” biology department also saw the elimination first year boy suggested 1855, the year of Your Old Babysitter community like we do with Gala, but after was identified only as a Katy Perry song. of the event as a positive. “You don’t need Bates’ founding. When asked why, he admit¬ Staff nostalgia going through some of the pictures I took “When I played Madonna’s ‘Express a B.S. to know that mixing lots of alcohol ted to having read that the men and women at last years’ event, I decided against it,” said Yourself’ and everyone in the room started and lots of hairspray is bad for your health. went to separate dances back then, and he Assistant Dean of Students and Coordina¬ singing Lady Gaga’s ‘Bom this Way,’ that’s Plus, the combination makes students highly thought that segregating the genders might For years, the ’80s Dance has been a tor of Student Activities Keith Tannen- when I knew we had to put the ’80s Dance flammable,” said one concerned professor. take a lot of the pressure off of the event. key part of the fall social calendar, offering baum. out of its misery,” admitted Tannebaum Faced with an empty hole in the first This suggestion was quickly dismissed. students a chance to go back to a simpler With the campus getting younger and with a shake of his head semester social calendar, the Student Activi¬ The most popular option seems to be time of big hair, leg warmers and sunglasses younger in recent years, Tannenbaum no¬ When the announcement that the ties Office and the Chase Hall Committee one which would divide the ’90s Dance into at night. But like the Foam Dance before it, ticed a shift in the dance. “Students used dance would be abolished was made at a re¬ must find an alternative that will appeal to two parts. “All the best music was made in the ’80s dance is being retired. Unlike the to have really great, realistic costumes. But cent faculty meeting, reactions were mixed. a student body who knows nothing of the the ’90s, so why would we only celebrate it Foam Dance, it’s not because of debaucher- somehow in recent years ‘’80s’ has been in¬ The economics department had been strong Berlin Wall or the black, non-creepy version once?” noted one excited junior girl. ‘The ous behavior. terpreted as guys in belly shirts and cutoffs. supporters of the event since it reminded of Michael Jackson. Backstreet Boys, NSYNC, Britney Spears, With the graduation of the class of That’s weird and inaccurate.” them of a happier time when every eco¬ Several options are being discussed. Brandy, Third Eye Blind, Hanson - they 2011, the last crop of eighties babies is de¬ A focus group made up of students nomics major had incredible job prospects One Frye Street resident suggested the were all in their prime. A single dance just parting the Bates Bubble, leaving no one in born in the ’90s was held in an effort to upon graduation. 1730s as a good decade for a dance theme. isn’t enough.” Plus it features one thing that the student body with even a vague acquain¬ gauge general knowledge of the decade. In contrast, the politics department was “It’s a pretty obscure decade though. You’ve everyone at Bates can agree on: flannel. tance with the decade. When several students insisted that the thrilled with the news. “It just seemed like an probably never heard of it,” she conde¬ “The only people who remember the original “Karate Kid” was Jaden Smith, Tan- endorsement of Reagan,” insisted one pro¬ scendingly noted, “but ever since then music 1980s are the faculty and staff. We contem¬ nebaum was concerned. The future of the fessor with a well-known liberal bias. The has just been so commercial.” An awkward Arts and Leisure Study Abroad LOOKING TO FURTHER Junior returns from YOUR SCIENCE EDUCATION? Consider Regis College’s abroad exactly the same Nuclear Medicine Technology Program or

Your Latin Lover semester was less than ordinary while he was Part-time BS in Nursing Program Contributing accent there. “It was a perfectly fun and pleasant experience,” he insisted. However, he began to see signs that he There is no time more pivotal in a hadn’t changed much at Christmas. Inun¬ Bates student’s life than the semester spent dated with questions from curious relatives, abroad. Whether they go to Europe, Asia, he found he didn’t have much to say about Africa or some weird island somewhere, the place he had spent the last four months. they come back with a newly defined sense “My mom asked me to teach her how of self and an understanding about their to make some of the native cuisine. When I place in the world that will influence them told her that my host mother had never giv¬ and annoy people around them for years to en me a cooking lesson, she was shocked.” come. This proved to be a pivotal moment. “I re¬ Occasionally, a student goes abroad ally liked my host mom. She was a nice lady. HHni# expecting to have an “Eat, Pray Love”-style But apparently, she failed at imparting me epiphany like the people whose evaluations with any great cultural wisdom,” he said. they read in the Study Abroad Office, but It became even more obvious when he for reasons unknown this change never oc¬ got back to campus. “All my friends couldn’t curs. They are forced to return to campus stop talking about how much they preferred the following semester exactly the same per¬ the cultural values and pace of life where son they were when they left. they went. But I prefer living in the United According to statistics gathered by the States. Sure we’ve got some problems, but Study Abroad Office and the Health Cen¬ the country I lived in was actually really cor¬ ter, this tragedy befalls a mere 3 percent of rupt.” students who study off campus. However, The junior admits that coming back given the stigma that comes with such a from abroad unchanged has strained some confession, Associate Dean of Students and of his friendships. “My roommate went REGISTERjTODAY FOR SUMMER SESS Director of Off Campus Study Stephen abroad to Africa and can’t stop talking about Sawyer admits that it’s likely that the actual the profound experience he had getting Ask about new student disco number is as high as 8 percent. food poisoning and not being able to use Students who struggle with “sameness” toilet paper. He said he discovered his true upon returning from abroad feel immensely self. But it just sounds gross.” NUCLEAR MEDICINE TECHS isolated. Forced to fabricate elaborate lies in When he tried to express this sentiment order to avoid telling their peers the mun¬ to his peers, he says he was met with blank ■ Prepare and administer radioactive chemical compounds, dane truth about their time overseas, they stares. “I tried to laugh it off and pretend known as radiopharmaceuticals begin to withdraw socially. like I was joking. Luckily I think they bought One afflicted junior agreed to talk to it” ■ Analyze biologic specimens in the laboratory The Student under the condition of ano¬ Since then, he’s found ways to adapt to nymity, fearing rejection from his more cul¬ his lack of real change. “I downloaded some ■ Provide images, data analysis and patient information to the tured peers should they discover the truth songs that were popular while I was there physician for diagnostic interpretation. about his fall semester away from campus. and put them on my iPod in case anyone He claims he had no reason to suspect that looks. Also, I check soccer scores now.” This full-time 3-semester certificate program prepares you to his time abroad would be atypical in any way. When asked if he regrets his experi¬ “I chose a program in a relatively exotic ence, he says no. “I had fun. I swear. Plus, sit for the national certification exams offered by the Nuclear country, and I made sure it had a homestay no one is going to ask me about my time Medicine Certification Board (NMTCB) and the American so that I’d be able to integrate with the cul¬ abroad once I leave Bates. Right? Seriously ture.” In fact, there were no signs that his they’d better not.” Registry of Radiologic Technologists (ARRT). o BSN FOR NON-NURSES MAJORS ■ Complete your degree in 3 years on a part-time basis. ■ Sit for the NCLEX in 2.5 years and begin working as a nurse.

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Garcelon to turn Your Huge Balls he added. “Why didn’t we think of this Contributing body part sooner?” another student questioned as she cried tears of joy. While it’s still unclear why so many members of the Bates community sup¬ Call it $2.6 million down the drain. ported this drastic decision, most indi¬ After a near unanimous vote, the stu¬ viduals interviewed for this article cited dent body and the Bates Athletic De¬ the “awesomeness” of a ball pit as the partment has voted to demolish the main reason. “It’s a ball pit, bro,” said newly-renovated Garcelon Turf Field one freshman lacrosse bro. “Why the and replace it with a plastic ball pit. 97 [expletive] wouldn’t we want it?” percent of students, faculty and staff Others believe the ball pit will be a voted in favor of converting the field source of pride for a College that lacks into the popular children’s attraction. school spirit. “No other school in the The vote came after a group of country has converted a newly-reno¬ drunken Bates students were overheard vated field into a ball pit after just one joking about the idea in front of visit¬ year,” explained Director of Athletics ing members of the Board of Trustees. Kevin McHugh. “We are going to make The Trustees, who were apparently in¬ the rest of the NESCAC look horrible,” toxicated after attending an Elaine Tut¬ he said with a proud smile. tle Hansen farewell party, immediately Soon-to-be Former Bates President pressured the Athletic Department to Elaine Tuttle Hansen, who was seen put it to a vote. hurriedly packing her belongings into “I didn’t know if it was a joke or the trunk of her car while wearing a what, but I wasn’t going to question the John Hopkins t-shirt, refused to com¬ Board of Trustees,” said one member ment. of the Bates Athletic Department. “Es¬ Not everyone was happy with the pecially not at two in the morning when decision. A football player who asked they are at my backdoor, demanding that his name not be used for this ar¬ the vote and some Papa John’s,” she ticle, admitted that he was one of the explained. few that voted against the measure to The College, in collaboration with demolish the field, “I guess it just kind the Athletic Department, held a vote of sucks because now we have nowhere the following day in Commons. Stu¬ to play,” he explained. Despite his re¬ dents from as far away as the end of luctance to see the field go, even this Hedge Hall. The newly erected grand¬ tional $3 million to put the Bates insig¬ nias will be added as soon as the balls Frye Street came to cast the historic individual couldn’t deny the benefits stand will be melted down to scrap met¬ nia on all 100,000 plastic balls. arrive. votes. By noon the following day, the of having a ball pit rather than a field. al and donated to several local welding “It’s already on the paper towel, Construction for the project begins votes had been talked and the ball pit “To be honest, most of the guys on the groups. Not all of the field will be do¬ toilet and soap dispensers so it would the day after graduation, with comple¬ had trumped the turf. Students and fac¬ team voted for the ball pit. They said nated. The tiny plastic beads that litter be fiscally and morally irresponsible not tion of the project expected by next fall. ulty alike cheered in jubilation when the they were tired of losing. Come to think the campus will not be removed. to do this,” said one of the College’s A small number of football players will results of the vote were made public. of it, I’d rather spend Saturdays in the While there was near unanimous economics professors. The Admissions hold a memorial service for the field on “Ball pit, mother [expletive]!” an in¬ fall jumping into a pool full of plastic support for the ball pit, many were un¬ Department also supported the Bates Friday. Bates Dining will host a 5-keg toxicated Bates student exclaimed just balls than losing 41-0 to Williams.” pleased when they found out that, on insignia decision, seeing it as an invest¬ BBQ celebration on the field after the after finding out the news and before The turf field will be torn up and top of the $5 million construction of ment in the future of the college and an service. puking outside the Village. “I’m drunk,” used as carpeting in the soon-to-reopen the ball pit, Bates would spend an addi¬ important step in branding. The insig¬

H Sports Intramural softball Marsha Graef goes on t-shirt whipping rampage, but hope springs eternal

Your Dad’s Soft Balls apparel. Everything seemed fine until Graef begin whipping the shirts around Alternative body part her head like some sort of lasso. “I’m tired of giving up these sweet shirts,” she allegedly screamed. “I don’t The IM Softball game turned ugly care how hard you think you worked yesterday when a melee broke out af¬ for them. They’re mine mine mine,” ter Assistant Athletic Director/Senior she snarled. According to spectators, Women’s Administrator Marsha Graef Graef began running around the field, BU SUMMER'11 refused to give IM Championship t- laughing maniacally as the Keith Tan¬ shirts to the winners of the National nenbomb players gave chase. Suddenly, League Championship game. The free- without warning, Graef became violent for-all resulted in 14 student injuries. and aggressive, whipping her pursuers Graef walked away without a scratch. with her mangled wad of t-shirts. Some 700 undergraduate and graduate courses in over 70 subjects The game, played between the E- spectators attempted to tackle Graef to T-H Runaways and the Keith Tannen- stop her crazed rampage, but they too Faculty of leading scientists, authors, and scholars bombs, was strange from the start. The were attacked by the wild-eyed athletic Keith Tannenbomb players were dis¬ administrator. 60 courses in 17 foreign languages tracted both at the plate and in the field, “It was chaos out there,” said one at times refusing to bat or field until they of the Tannenbomb players. “I don’t had taken an unnecessary number of know what came over her. I feel lucky Summer internships in Boston organizations photographs. The Keith Tannenbombs to be alive,” he added. also called timeouts on six separate oc¬ Graef, who proved to be extremely casions to make sure each of their cars, nimble and difficult to catch, escaped which were parked directly outside the unscathed. As she ran away with her Bates Security building, were locked. pile of shirts, a strange calm came over 1: May 24-July 1 The E-T-H Runaways, meanwhile, the field. The E-T-H Runaways, living were caught trying to leave the field up to their names, had abandoned the 2:July 5-August 12 bu.edu/summer several times. Spectators supposedly field long before, right when things had overheard the players mumbling about become tense and a leader was needed. beating the traffic down to Baltimore. With no serious injuries, the Keith Tan¬ If the E-T-H Runaways were not trying nenbombs picked themselves up, took to escape the field, they were constantly some photographs of the scene and left boasting about their on-field accom¬ in stunned silence. Boston University Summer Term plishments, even as they failed to pro¬ No charges were filed and Graef BOSTON duce a single hit all game. will continue to oversee the intramural Despite the many disruptions, it program. “I still believe in her,” one UNIVERSITY was a clean game that saw the Keith coach, who asked that we not use his Tannenbombs come out on top with name for fear of being whipped by a t- a 1-0 victory. Things got out of hand shirt, explained. “Everyone snaps once An equal opportunity, affirmative action institution. when the Tannenbomb players ap¬ in awhile. If you ask me, she was over¬ proached Graef for their championship due for a breakdown.”