The Bates Spudent - Volume 140 Number [19] - May 17, 2011
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Bates College SCARAB The Bates Student Archives and Special Collections 5-17-2011 The Bates Spudent - volume 140 number [19] - May 17, 2011 Bates College Follow this and additional works at: https://scarab.bates.edu/bates_student Bobcat-in-chief says hello $ (Prit e loo !<>%v lo show) 17,05,0 Chillin' (M.uofly) ill I.CWINltOI pagenoi lot 1 nd ,b<) t osspudcn t .com Tannenbauirfs ETH: Bobcat to Bearcat, I got Fiasco: Car caught cheating becomes VYBZ Shuttle spudent Exclusive Your Late Night Mistakes Contributing regret You may have heard reports that Assistant Dean of Students Keith Tan- nebaum’s car was stolen after the Lupe Fiasco concert in the wee hours of Thursday morning. You may have also heard that the car was recovered by po¬ lice on Friday afternoon a few blocks away from campus. What you haven’t heard is what happened to Tannebaum’s car during the time it was missing. The Bates Student has the exclusive details on the theft. According to police reports, Tan- nenbaum’s Honda Pilot, which had been left running outside of Security, was spotted by a group of students who were headed to Chase Hall to wait for the shuttle to Club VYBZ. When they spotted the car in front of Security, they became confused. Thinking that per¬ haps the pickup point for Club VYBZ had changed, they hopped into Tan¬ nebaum’s car, chanting “Shots! Shots! Shots!” and making the familiar sound of the VYBZ airhorn. Upon entering the car, they realized that there was no driver. Rather than taking this as a clue that the car they had entered was in fact not the VYBZ shuttle, they proceeded to call a sober friend to drive. This individual, whose identity is not being released due to a potential criminal investigation, spoke with The Student about the evening. “I absolutely did not know it was Dean Tannebaum’s car” said the un¬ named student driver. “My friend called me saying he needed a ride to VYBZ and to meet him outside of Security. When I got there and asked whose car it was, they all started making that airhorn noise.” Thinking that the Honda Pilot Your Roommate’s Sister old of an age, Hansen wanted to step the K-12 crowd.” their hounds, mutts and Boston terri¬ must have belonged to one of the pas¬ Delivers Dominos 24/7 down earlier rather than later. Since the Aside from wanting to preserve her ers on campus, came to the Hansens’ sengers who was too drunk to drive, time of Clifton Daggett Gray, portrait youthful looks and spirit, Hansen is re¬ defense, the Board maintained that the student got in and headed towards sittings have been scheduled before the portedly frustrated that her house is not since President Hansen’s husband, Stan, Lisbon Street. By the time Tannenbaum Besides President Elaine Tutde departing president leaves the position, up to snuff for a Chaucer scholar and walks the two small dogs so frequently left Security, his car was nowhere to be Hansen’s own officially-communicated and having received so many compli¬ former editor of the Middle English on campus, they were an eyesore for found. motivations for abandoning the presi¬ ments about how good she looks for dictionary. According to the Physical prospective students. Furthermore, the While the driver originally planned dency of one of the nation’s best liberal her age, Hansen did not want her por¬ Plant receptionists who have been the Board argued, the potential that Phyllis to return directly to campus, this proved arts colleges for an executive position trait — soon to take up residence in the primary victims of Hansen’s late-night Graber Jensen would capture them on impossible. “As soon as my friends overseeing a pretentiously-tided sum¬ good company of the other presidential harassments, the President has her heart camera was too risky. hopped out of the car, more people mer program for overconfident, over¬ portraits on the second floor of Lane set on a trendier interior design with Regardless of Hansen’s personal piled in. I tried to explain to them that scheduled and hyperactive children, Hall - to miss this stage in her life. an emphasis on stainless steel appli¬ reasons for leaving, her resignation I wasn’t actually the shuttle, but they The Student has learned that the Board In her letter, Hansen added that ances. As soon-to-be interim president comes amidst a period of administra¬ were all chanting ‘Milts! Milts! Milts’ too of Trustees has launched an investiga¬ she had never really seen herself stay¬ Nancy Cable explained, leaving Bates tive restructuring at the College. The loud to hear me,” explained the driver. tion into Hansen’s fidelity to the this ing at Bates for that long anyway. “Nine is not just about President Hansen va¬ only other tenured member of the Ad¬ Rather than try to reason with the very institution that may have forced her res¬ years feels right. I’ve never really liked cating her office in Lane Hall; it’s about ministration, Dean of the Faculty and sweaty passengers, the driver elected to ignation. Rumors abound among high round numbers, so serving another year vacating the College-owned property Academic Affairs Jill Reich, is also giv¬ return to campus. profile alumni in the New York Bates to make it an even 10 just wasn’t worth on College Street. “I can’t wait to take ing up her Lane Hall office to spend Upon dropping the passengers off Business Network that Hansen may it to me.” Incidentally, or perhaps not, over that office - the view is sick; but I more time with the young folk. She will outside of Milts as they demanded, the have been secredy concurrendy serv¬ Hansen’s tenure as provost of Haver- never considered moving in to that grey return to teaching as a tenured member car was once again mobbed with stu¬ ing as the president of Baruch College, ford only lasted an odd seven. “Five hovel.” of the psychology faculty after a year¬ dents eager to get to Club VYBZ. “Se¬ of the City University of New York years felt to short, but there again, I When the Board of Trustees re¬ long sabbatical. Reich’s professional riously, they didn’t care that I wasn’t the (CUNY) for the past two years. just could not make it to 10; that’s why fused to approve Hansen’s implorations adjustments, however, have their own actual shuttle. I could have driven them “The idea that she — as Den Mother I applied for the job at Bates,” she ex¬ for granite kitchen countertops, Han¬ murky foundations. anywhere,” said the incredulous driver. of 1,700 Bobcats — could ditch Bates plained. sen reportedly grew indignant. Even Documents leaked to The Student Rather than take advantage of fellow for some glass ensconced corner office A personal shopper from J. Crew though they will no longer receive free directly from Julian Assange reveal that Batesies, the driver decided to embrace staffed with city slickers is hurtful,” said has already selected Hansen’s attire for housing, the Hansens are hoping that Reich may have had more covert rea¬ the role of shuttle driver. “I think I one trustee who spoke on the condition the sitting. Hansen, who routinely ven¬ the real estate market in Baltimore will sons for wanting to abandon her admin¬ made 10 trips that night. Man, drunk of anonymity since the investigation is tures to Merrill for early morning jogs offer more bang for their buck. Ac¬ istrative position. Reich was off campus kids love Club VYBZ.” ongoing. “We won’t know for certain on the in-door track, is the first presi¬ cording to Wikipedia, Hansen made the last week of April and the first Still unaware that the car in question until the investigation is complete, but dent to opt for a full-length portrait. 5432,000 in 2010. week of May, and airline ticket records belonged to Tannenbaum, the driver this would certainly explain her fre¬ However, because she did not raise Sources who wish to remain anony¬ indicate that she flew to Washington parked the car in the Merrill Parking lot. quent flights to LaGuardia, which were enough money during her nine years to mous for fear of reprisal also reveal on Tuesday, April 24th. Internal com¬ However, with both the Lewiston park¬ formerly shrouded in mystery.” compensate for Bates’ lagging endow¬ that the Hansens were not receptive to munications between the Defense De¬ ing ban and the Merrill restriction lifted, In her own communications to the ment, the College has commissioned a the Board’s increasingly forceful sug¬ partment Intelligence Agency and the no one thought to look there. While po¬ college community, Hansen has steered senior studio art major to paint it. gestions that the family find new dogs. Central Intelligence Agency reveal that lice scoured the area for signs of Tan¬ away from these accusations. Just as In a conversation with The Stu¬ Their two shiatsus allegedly did not re¬ a security detail was assigned to Reich in nebaum’s vehicle, it sat unnoticed in the Hansen kept the campus in suspense dent, Hansen admitted that her new flect the proper image for Bates, accord¬ Afghanistan somewhere near the Paki¬ otherwise abandoned Merrill lot. about her new position after announc¬ position as Director of John Hopkins’ ing to the Board. “We were thinking of stani border sometime after Thursday, The next night at 11 p.m. the driver ing her resignation, up until now she Center for Talented Youth, while it will a specimen more along the lines of the April 26th.