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5-9-2006

The Bates Spudent - volume 135 number 23 - May 9, 2006

Bates College

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This Newspaper is brought to you for free and open access by the Archives and Special Collections at SCARAB. It has been accepted for inclusion in The Bates Student by an authorized administrator of SCARAB. For more information, please contact [email protected]. The Newspaper of Bates College Since 1873 {Efje pate* 4SWW VOLUME 135. NO. 23 Tl TSDVY, MAY *». 200(i l t WISTOY. MAINE Diverse, Drunk and Well-Endowed: Bates Moves to Canada

H. E. PENNYPACKER body will become international STAFF WRITER students. “By moving north, we will reconnect with our Abolition¬ ist, northern-moving values” said Last weekend the Tuttle-Han- President Hansen. “The reloca¬ sen administration stunned Bates tion will open the doors to egali¬ College and the twin cities of tarianism and community. Fresh¬ Lewiston-Auburn in its unprec¬ man Sully O’Mulligan affirmed edented announcement that Bates Hansen’s reasoning. “Twenty- College will be relocated to East¬ minutes-outsida-Bahstan just be¬ ern Canada. came wicked fucking rare, dood” The administration amended a said O’Mulligan. “I’m gonna be popular cliche while announcing like a fuckin’ byoo-ti-ful achid or their logic for the move: “The re¬ something up there. I’m gonna location will kill three birds with score more than Wayne Gretsky, PRINCE one stone. In one fell swoop, we you know what I’m sayin dood?” EDWARD ISLAND will, one, solve the endowment Though extreme, there is some New crisis, two, offset the demograph¬ precedent to the move. Nearby BRUNSWICK ic homogeneity that stagnates Colby College, faced with a pop¬ intellectual and cultural growth.” ulation crisis and the encroaching HAINt John Hearing groans from the assem¬ community at the turn of the cen¬ Bangw NOVA 3COTIJ bled students, President Hansen tury, relocated their campus far¬ ONTARIO played her hole card, noting that ther away from the center of Wa- Hjt.fj* the relocation to Canada would terville. But unlike Colby, Bates also offer more practical benefits does not intend on sucking. to the student population: “You’ll While the student body greet¬ be able to legally drink your yup¬ ed the news enthusiastically, lo¬ MICHIGAN pie little heads off,” she said. The cal community ’ businessmen MASSACHUSETTS Deere* student body immediately be¬ bemoaned the loss of Bates’ gen¬ NEW YORK gan to chant “La-batt’s” and “Ca- erally affluent students. “What Ne*rYsrlc Na-Da” in response to the good am I going to do? I’ve got a fam¬ news. ily to feed!” exclaimed Papa John. Developing her reasoning for “What am I going to tell Mama As this sophisticated topographical map shows, Bates' upcoming move to Canada will serve many purposes. the move, President Hansen ex¬ John? Little Sonny John has a plained that the dollar’s strength birthday coming up, and Daugh¬ against the loon will immediately ter John needs braces!” prises won the contract with an of land: the two attempted to Goundie as he left the podium. and exponentially increase the Though this is the first that the exceptionally low bid (the firm move New York City in their Dining Services has already size of the endowment. “I final¬ student body has heard of the re¬ demanded world domination and failed “Manhattan Project.” “The begun the transitory process, re¬ ly won’t be the only one around location, plans for the movement a Teenage-Mutant-Ninja-Turtle- project was brilliantly engineered naming “Canadian Bacon” simply here that’s well-endowed” said are well underway. Lane Hall ac¬ free working environment). In and executed. It would have “Bacon” and serving French Fries Hansen, gesturing to her chest. cepted contractual bids for the addition to their low bid, Krang succeeded if it weren’t for those with poutine. By making Bates Canadian, movement. The New York Based and Shredder Enterprises has ex¬ god damn turtles” said Shredder The movement will begin this the vast majority of the student firm Krang and Shredder Enter¬ perience re-locating huge tracts before roundhouse kicking Dean summer: Canada ho! Even More Graffiti Discovered RonjKart Powered by Feet, Smiles Bates Senior Receives $10,000 Grant to "Figure Things Out" in Pettengill Hall MR. SMALLWEED black-and-white of an issue.” STAFF WRITER Demonstrations have been or¬ ganized in response to the hate¬ ful act committed in Pettengill. On Monday morning, custo¬ The Bates College Republicans, dians in Pettengill Hall discov¬ one of the minority groups on ered the word “cracker” written campus, are leading the protests. in black marker on a wall in a But the protests themselves have second floor stairwell. The deans not been free from controversy. were notified immediately, and, At one event, where pamphlets after viewing the crime scene, were handed out demanding an ordered the racial slur painted immediate response by the insti¬ over. tution, students who refused to There was a strong response take the literature were confront¬ on the Bates campus. One indi¬ ed with abusive epithets. “Look,” vidual, who spoke with me only said another member of Aman¬ Elaine Tuttle Hansen Sits Daily Jolt Wins Pulitzer, Deemed on condition of being identified dla!, challenged by those hand¬ Awkwardly at Basketball Game "Last Bastion of Journalistic as “Nate Walton,” said, “I think ing out the pamphlets, “why are it’s despicable how we’re being you accusing us of writing this Integrity" marginalized here at Bates, how word? We have nothing against we’re being picked on by black you. The entire racial history of students. Life for me ain’t been America has been characterized no crystal stair. I struggled to by companionship and harmony. get into this school. Father had Maybe it was Middle Eastern ter¬ to promise at least $100,000 in rorists.” The Bates College Ter¬ donations before I could be ac¬ rorist Alliance vehemently denies cepted.” The Amandla! group this charge, and has responded expressed dismay at such an ex¬ by saying that such language plicit allegation of discrimination. only marginalizes Arabs. Seamus “We categorically reject such a O’Reilly, Real IRA representative charge, and I don’t think such an in the Terrorist Alliance, spoke on accusation will help their cause,” behalf of the Arab members of the said one member of the group. “They’re manipulating it into too See LATEST BIAS, page 8 ■ TUESDAY, MAY 9, 2006 LETTERS for quick response and maximum More information p|easee re¬ also purchase school supplies for security. Increase Penis Friend of the fer to the entire news for the com¬ my village in addition to profiting Premier Information Man¬ pany published on January 31. myself. 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Tom Flanagan '08 - Resident Nancy Boy Emily Rand '06 - Iron Maiden Democratic Republic of Congo Scott Priest '06 - High Priest of Fun Ben Lebeaux '06 - Keeper of the Consecutive Vowels SCOOTER HOLLIS Republic of Congo might bolster football field as a landing strip,” John McNulty '06 - Death Dealer STAFF WRITER student excitement about eating Schwartz said. “But luckily we in Commons. were able to work something Conor Hurley '09 - Legacy Pick Bates College Dining Servic¬ “We really weren’t sure how out.” Eliza Reed '08 - Chief Executive Line Manager and Text Box Importer es, long revered for its flavorful to top last week’s 'Cheeseburger The 747’s will be piloted by Kristin Sahagian '08 - Daily Jolt Liaison Aaron’s Meatsa Bake, cornuco¬ in Paradise1 theme dinner; it re¬ members of the commons staff, Rakhshan Zahid '07 - Ayotollah of Rock and Rollah pia of rich desserts and delicate ally went over so well,” Schwartz who will undergo a rigorous Emily Wallar '06 - Volvo Owner / Driver / Circulation Manager Chicken Crispitos looks to out¬ said. “After many hours of late flight training session during the Sarah Beck '06 - Peeping Tom do itself once again with this night brainstorming sessions, lull between lunch and dinner Niraj Chokshi '07 - Overthrown Dictator / Koala Lover Wednesday’s upcoming adven¬ the Congo trip is what we have on Tuesday. During the 10 hour ture in dining, an evening in the come up with, and we are really flight, students will have the op¬ excited.” Unpaid, Unconsenting Laborers: Democratic Republic of Congo. portunity to whet their whistles “Our goal is to be recognized After having their Bates I.D. with festive vegan fare, such as Mitch Cote-Crosskill '06 as one of the finest collegiate scanned in Commons on Wednes¬ seasoned tofu cut in the shape of Ben Haley '06 level dining services in the na¬ day, students will be presented different African countries. The Megan Hamilton '06 tion, known for its highest qual¬ with a Snack Pack containing a in-flight movie will be "Congo." James Liddell '06 ity and professional character.” non-refundable roundtrip ticket “First we made history by John Mulligan '06 Said Director of Dining Services to the Democratic Republic of giving students the students the Nate Purinton '06 Christine Schwartz. “Transport¬ Congo, a granola bar and an freedom to name their own om¬ Allie Goldstein '09 ing the entire College student VeryFine apple juice. Common’s elet,” said Joe Smith, a Commons Alexandra Kelly '09 body to the heart of Africa will workers dressed as various ani¬ cook. “Now we are giving them mals indigenous to the African Jessie Sawyer '09 help us achieve our goal of re¬ the freedom to eat their dinner ceiving worldwide recognition.” jungle will escort students to in another country, it’s really re¬ For the past several years, a fleet of Boeing 747’s waiting markable.” Although planning The Bates 4is published every Short Term by the editors of the students have looked forward to on the football field which they a trip to Africa for 2,000 stu¬ Bates Student, because enough is enough and it's time for a change. Wednesday night themed “Ad¬ will board and then depart for dents in a week has proven to venture” nights in Commons, the Congo jungle. Off-campus be somewhat of a challenge for Any objections to the content of this issue can be emailed and have enjoyed such themes students not currently subscrib¬ Commons staff, it is a challenge directly to [email protected]. as “70’s disco” and “Tailgate ing to the meal plan are warned they have wholeheartedly em¬ Party.” Dining Services, looking that attempting to sneak in the braced. "Humor is a rubber sword - it allows you to make for a theme that would really back door of any of the aircraft “One of the main problems is strictly prohibited. a point without drawing blood" ~ Mary Hirsch “jazz” up students’ Wednesday we have encountered so far is night dinner decided flying the “Marsha Graef was none student body to the Democratic too pleased about us using the See ADVENTURE, page 5 THE BATES iglHD&J^T. TUESDAY. MAY 9. 2006 2 Club Tannenbaum Rocked by Narcotics Scandal Live Elephant Ecstasy, Opium and Inflatables Abused beneath Chase Hall Found in Lane Hall

H. E. PENNYPACKER Professors’doors. Still more prob¬ STAFF WRITER lematic was the enormous pile of waste that Stampy left behind: Last Thursday Lane Hall admit¬ evidently Stampy defecated in the ted the obviobs: that an enormous stairwells, and the record of his elephant had been living in Lane night out was embarrassingly first hall for some time now. The ad¬ detected by a tour of prospective mission, sent via email, alerted the students. The enormous, stinking students that the elephant, now pile of waste was cleared as quick¬ known as “Stampy,” does indeed ly as possible: sources confirm exist. that Stan Tuttle Hansen arrived on “Honestly, I don’t know how scene with Ol’ Reliable and helped we went on this long without ad¬ in the massive clean-up project. mitting it” said Dean Reese. “I Yet despite their recent admis¬ mean, the thing is huge.” sion of the elephant’s existence, Stampy, who lives in the base¬ the student organization Acknowl¬ ment of Lane, seems to have done edge the Elephant is accusing Lane everything to have made his pres¬ hall of institutionalized elephant ence felt, heard, seen and, unfortu¬ ignorance, a problem that they nately, smelled. Stampy has barged claim has plagued college admin¬ into trustee meetings, shot water istration for decades. In order to at the deans through his snout meet these claims, the administra¬ Students roll on ecstasy merely feet from their mailboxes and the campus bookstore. and crushed the Hansens’ dogs. tion has vowed to alert the student Even as this reporter began ask¬ body of any pachyderm-related ac¬ air nozzles. In addition, the club, Dean Tannenbaum was SLIPPERY PETE ing administration officials about tivity, especially any more defeca¬ footage reveals a cart of pots quoted as screaming, “Give me STAFF WRITER the recendy admitted existence of tions, no matter the size or severity and pans soiled with cocaine a water! I need a fucking wa¬ the pachyderm, some of the more of the incidents. residue. This is common among ter!” At this time several stu¬ This past week, unnamed “party-line” members of the Tuttle Acknowledge the Elephant crack users who boil the drug dents rushed to the aid of the sources within the Bates com¬ Hansen administration clung to has embodied the more passion¬ down for ingestion. Dean. munity released incriminating the prior philosophy. “Elephant? ate response to Stampy. Indeed, A cart of this nature was rer Most of these students were video footage from the “Kegs What elephant’” said an anony¬ the organization may have hurt ported stolen by Dining Servic¬ wearing “Class of 2005” t-shirts for a Cause” event hosted at mous source as Stampy searched their cause: stealing the remains of es Director Christine Schwartz from various high schools or “Club Tannenbaum,” located for peanuts through her hair - sur¬ what Stampy left behind in Petten¬ last week. Its serial number “AESOP 2005” t-shirts, as well in the basement of Chase Hall. prisingly, he found several. gill (Physical Plant held on to the matches that of the cart found as wristbands that confirmed On the tape rampant illicit drug The administration was forced poo, planning to use it as manure), in Club Tannenbaum. they were of legal drinking age. use is visible, specifically the to admit the existence of the el¬ Acknowledge the Elephant berated The Lewiston Police Chief These students began pouring popular club drug ecstasy. ephant after it was mistakenly let students and flung shit at them as said this morning that, given bottled water into Dean Tan- The tape reveals students loose several months ago. Stampy they made their way to Rahzel’s the evidence, it seems the club nenbaum’s mouth and over his being asked to help blow up somehow managed to find him¬ Friday concert. Despite Acknowl¬ manager’s intent was to use the head and torso. inflatables, only to have tiny self into the first floor of Petten- edge the Elephant’s perhaps vio¬ stolen cart to slide the contami¬ Asked to review the foot¬ ecstasy pills fall into their gill (structural engineers are still lent response, most students are nated cooking ware into the age, several members of the mouths when the flat balloon is working to determine whether or quietly perplexed. “What the fuck Commons dishwashing services Environmental Studies Depart¬ brought to their lips. not Pettengill will need to receive is an elephant doing on campus?” unnoticed. ment have estimated that, in to- When "the video is slowed repairs). As Stampy raced down Rob Katz ’06 wondered, “And why Approached for comment down it becomes clear that the the history corridor, his flanks dis¬ while hosting an event in the pills are hidden in the plastic See ALLEGED DRUG, page 5 lodged several students’ work from See ELEPHANT, page 5 New World Coalition Adminstration: Some of Bates' Impeaches Bush; Disbands Best Friends are Black this: “These are institutions of aca¬ recruiting students of color - why REX WINONA With the Republican Party in such REX WINONA demic rigor as well as having very not me?” STAFF WRITER shambles, we’ve lost something of STAFF WRITER Such questions regarding finan¬ a compass as to how to direct our competitive athletic programs. One of our trustees had a pleasant and cial aid have been raised before in Having effectively brought the massive and far-reaching geopo¬ In response to ever-heighten¬ remarkably intelligent conversation conjunction with the problem of national Republican Party to its litical influence.” ing concerns about race relations with one of theirs at a conference, diversity on campus, and the Col¬ knees with last week’s surprise and In spite of the crushing defeat on its campus, the Bates College too.” lege decided to respond to this grassroots-initiated impeachment the national party has suffered, the Office of External Affairs issued a The release did not receive a charge. A President of Bates Col¬ of President Bush, the Cinderella- Bates College Republicans have press release this past Friday aimed warm reception from all parties, lege, who agreed to be interviewed story group of Bates College New vowed to nonetheless continue at countering recently negative however. The Minority Population with the condition of remaining World Coalition has made another their work in bringing diversity popular opinions of its commit¬ of Spellman had this comment to unnamed, explained the college’s and possibly even more shocking to the Bates political scene. Said ment to diversity and intercultural make on Bates’s solicitations: “I feel financial aid and the impact of this announcement: that it has dis¬ sophomore Fletch McKinney, a exchange. like I’m being treated like all other on its diversity thus: “We regret that banded. recipient of the Locutas Copras Read the press release, “Re¬ minority populations here, like I’m we’re unable at this time to offer The impeachment campaign, award in rhetoric, “We have a long cent comments by many individu¬ just a faceless statistical pawn of a need-blind admissions to incoming utilizing a little-known article of traditional history of a legacy of als internal and external to our minority population being pushed students, but we don’t see this as the United States constitution that providing alternate discourses of community have contributed to a around by parties ‘conservative’ inherently racist.” When pressed provides for a state-based im¬ showing other clubs how to ex¬ misperception of Bates’s relation and ‘liberal’ for their own economic on the issue, specifically on the peachment of the President, mo¬ ecute usage of their funds. Like to minority student populations.” or moralistic benefit. I am not The point that African Americans make tivated, seemingly paradoxically, low-grade embezzlement.” In ad¬ Whereas, it continued, “Bates has Minority Population of Howard 67 cents to the white dollar in the disbanding of the group. dition, the College Republicans a long history of interacting with University, and until colleges like America, the President went white Grand Partner X, who cur¬ plan to bring Slobodan Milosevic many diverse communities. In fact, Bates get past this sort of general¬ in the face and responded edgily, rently holds the “rotating collec¬ to campus for a speech that prom¬ some of Bates’s closest intercolle¬ izing and monolithic worldview, “Listen, I’d rather not bring politics tive-leadership faciltator position,'” ises to, says McKinney, “give us a giate peers have large minority stu¬ other minority populations like me into this and instead just deal with which this reporter took to mean refreshingly unique perspective on dent populations!” will only ever be abstractions and the facts.” he was the leader, explained the the Serbian conflict.” A short enumeration of such never real, concrete entities.” The college also announced in situation: “With this huge obstacle New World will be donating all colleges was provided, with assur¬ Said the Somali Population of the release a new initiative focused to a just America—and, I think, its funds and possessions, totaling ances that these were merely ex¬ Lewiston, “I think The Minority on increasing cultural sensitivity for a juster world—removed, I just to $87 and change, 97-3 bandanas, amples and did not comprise an Population of Howard University Bates students. The two strategies don’t see what our group would a ragged Gramsci reader and half exhaustive list of Bates’s coiterie is right on point. My problems are introduced were “a bigger, better be able to do. Our meetings would a ton of spraypainted posterboard, of diverse institutions. On the list unique to my own socioeconomic international dinner” and “send¬ probably degenerate into whining to a local soup kitchen. The pur¬ were Spellman, Morehouse, Morris and geographic conditions. For in¬ ing more students abroad to look and we’d only end up blowing pose being, said XrosemaryX who Brown and Howard, against whom stance, Bates College says it wants at minorities where they wouldn’t our rhetoric way out of propor¬ agreed to speak on the condi¬ Bates had at one point or another a more diverse campus, and then be such minorities anymore.” The tion in an attempt to maintain a tion that his or her gender remain competed in sports. The release stares at me like I’m fish in a bowl program is slated to be in full effect sense of moral certainty and rec¬ unidentified, to “raise class con¬ was quick to insist, however, that when I walk near it. And talk about by 2010. titude in a now-ambiguous world. sciousness.” the relationship was deeper than THE BATES ■ TUESDAY. MAY 9. 2006 Dustin Drury: I'll Put a Spell on You Commons to WILLIE MAYS HAYES “[he] was probably the most Provide "Just" STAFF WRITER normal looking individual in the place.” As senior Dustin Drury lum¬ The environmental stud¬ Desserts bered into Utopia Games this ies major easily took Game 1 past Friday, set to duel against when he dropped a 6/3 Whip- Magic Bars, Hermit Bars the area’s finest mages, he tail Moloch on turn 5 and on and Crazy Cake Receive couldn’t help but think back to turn 6, destroyed his adversary’s that cold night in February when only creature with a Twisted New RC. Names he failed to place in the Guild- Justice for the victory. Fol¬ pact™ Release Tournament. lowing a disappointing loss in H. E. PENNYPACKER Drury commented: “The Game 2, Game 3 was especially STAFF WRITER smell reminded me of a foot¬ suspenseful due to a time warn¬ ball locker room, but instead, ing. In his last turns, Drury Last November, Sangai Asia, it was the smell of social out¬ failed to clinch the victory as he Bates’ student group promoting Asian casts, both young and old, only drew lands and was unable to cultural awareness, successfully peti¬ accepted by each other.” The find the necessary spell he was tioned dining services to change the sealed deck tournament was de¬ seeking. name of the dessert formally known layed unexpectedly when one In his second match, the as the “Chinese Chu” to the “P.C. of the competitors, a friend of Saranac Lake product went 2- Chu.” In a statement released to the the owner, was unable to leave 0 against a fourteen-year old, Bates community, the group claimed his bagging job at Shaw’s early. thanks to the power of new that they found the name an “offen¬ Taking advantage of the delay, split card Odds//Ends forcing sive, hateful title that encouraged Dustin purchased three booster Two Rakdos Ickspitters set Drury's strategy into motion. his opponent to sacrifice two the consumption of Asians.” San¬ packs and went for a walk to fa¬ creatures. In match 3 against gai Asia’s groundbreaking initiative miliarize himself with the new¬ nent. Drury, a non-conformist, of white and blue. “When I a thirty-five year old Auburn has set precedent for other minority est creatures and spells of Dis¬ put together a forty-five card opened my second pack and man, Drury lost Game 1 due to groups on campus that feel humili¬ deck playing all colors with the sension™. I saw two Rakdos Ickspitter’s, a Spirit Linked Firemane Angel. ated and objectified by racist treats. In a sealed deck tournament: exception of green. “Going into one of which was a foil, I knew Dustin charged back to win the “Eating Magic Bars is like a slap in each player is given a 75 card the tournament, I knew I want¬ I had to play black/red,” he not¬ last two games when he drew the face,” says Goody Glinda Burke tournament pack and three 15- ed to play green for its mana- ed. the right mana and his oppo¬ ’08, Vice President of Witches and fixing abilities. But once I saw card booster packs. From there, Drury squared off in his nent was rendered helpless with Warlocks, Bates’ newly-formed Wic- the intricate game of Magic: The I only had seven green cards, I first match, consisting of a best only two lands in play. can society that recently attempted Gathering begins. Each player knew that strategy wasn’t prac¬ of three series, against a local “My Sanguine Praetor gave to promote an IM Quidditch league, tical.” The base of Drury’s deck generally compiles a forty card high-schooler “with a ratty goa¬ wherein participants would throw ul¬ was black and red with a splash tee.” But according to Drury, deck to play against his oppo¬ See DRURY, page 5 timate Frisbees to one another while straddling brooms. “Magic? That word’s a relic. Just suggesting some¬ P.E. May Keep Triple-Major from Graduating Security Catches Stoutest one practiced ‘magic’ was enough to get you killed back in the day. It JOAN WILDER the Bates fishing club all four years,” commented Bak. But Bates does Sex Offender Ever was like a witch hunt back then! I STAFF WRITER pun intended,” Security Officer Mike not recognize fly fishing as an ac¬ SHELIA VELVET mean, have you read ‘The Crucible’? Voisine noted in his reports of the eve¬ ceptable physical activity because, STAFF WRITER That shit was just unfair,” exclaimed Holden M. Bak ’06 is in the top ning. Security advises students to call as one administration official put it, Burke. Witches and Warlocks peti¬ 5% of his class and proud to say that immediately if they observe Lombardi tioned to have “Magic Bars” changed “We don’t count activities in which Late September, Bates Security he is done with his thesis, all three of in close proximity of the campus. “Al¬ to “Supernatural Phenomenon Cook¬ you can participate while consuming found Robert Lombardi, a registered them. Bak is a triple major in biol¬ ternatively, you could probably outrun ies.” alcohol." sex offender, walking toward the Bates ogy, chemistry and Japanese, so his him,” Voisine added. Lombardi is 5’2”, Citing Sangai Asia’s campaign Bak tried to satisfy his require¬ campus via Wood Street. In a recent in¬ course load was no picnic. Despite two-hundred pounds and has been as precedent, the Bates College As¬ ment through a fencing course of¬ terview, Lombardi said that he moved to Bak’s accomplishments, he may not clocked at forty-three seconds in the sociation for Individuated Religious fered at Bowdoin. However, Marsha Lewiston because of the “real estate” but be able to call himself a Bates alum one-hundred meter dash. ‘We’ve gone Mysticism and its splinter organiza¬ Graef would not accept the credit, other sources indicate that the presence this June. He still has one more through the records and no student at tion, The Stoics Society, have also has explaining, “Fencing is for pansies." of the lady Bobcats may have influ¬ beast to tackle, the physical educa¬ Bates fits this physique,” Thomas Carey, begun to pressure Dining Services to Bak concurred, saying, "They need enced the 35-year old white male. Lom¬ tion requirement. Director of Security, said. Admissions change the names of their “Hermit more badass swords and stuff.” bardi frequents field hockey games and “I am pre-med, I can speak one has been advised to screen the upcom¬ Bars.” Though it was difficult to con¬ Worried, Bak talked with his has yet to miss a one-dollar chai night at of the hardest languages to learn, ing class of 2010 to make sure that no tact the offices of these organizations, advisor and administration about the Ronj. When evaluating Lombardi’s and get good grades, but I am no one as stout as Lombardi has been ad¬ eventually they were reached for his RE. problem. Administration mental state, the Lewiston-Auburn Po¬ more athletic than a sloth. Sports mitted. “I don’t normally support affir¬ comment: “We have it hard enough. made a deal with Bak that it will al¬ lice Department rated him “borderline and I just don’t mesh. So, I don’t mative action,” Carey said, ‘but this is a Living on fruit and water, chasing off low him to graduate if he enrolled moronic”. “If Lombardi had even a think my failure to succeed athleti¬ safety issue.” the wolves,” said Paul St. Jerome ’06, in the ballroom dancing short term rudimentary understanding of econom¬ cally should rain on my academic The LAPD has not yet accumulated President of the Association. “We and passed. The class meets-twice ics, he would know that he could save accomplishments,” said Bak. enough evidence to arrest Lombardi don’t want this campus condoning a day, five days a week. Adminis¬ money by getting free chai at the Silo Bates requires all students to but has issued a restraining order. In or institutionalizing public scorn. tration decided that since the class every Thursday,” one officer said. either pass two physical education protest, the manager of the Ronj has ar¬ We’d feel much better not eating ‘I meets 20 hours a week, it matches Security reported that Lombardi courses or to be a participant in a ranged a temporary delivery service so choose to live with God instead of the equivalent of two P.E. courses. was considered harmless until, in the varsity or club sport. that Lombardi will be able to continue electricity bars’ or ‘Enjoy this snack If Bak fails, he will have to repeat encounter on Wood Street, he was “I thought I fulfilled that require¬ his loyal patronage to the student-run now because you won’t be getting senior year until he fulfills the P.E. found to be carrying a screwdriver. “No ment, since I’ve been a member of coffeehouse. requirement. any in hell bars' instead,” said St. Je¬ rome, before striking himself on the Freshman-Senior Couple Really Going to Make It head with a nearby rock. Commons’ poorly named “Crazy SCOOTER HOLLIS probably top five in the freshman she is so attracted to him. from a Ja Rule song, but he didn’t Cake” seems to be far and away the STAFF WRITER class. But we really have a lot in “Jake has read, like, so many think that that excluded it from be¬ most politically insensitive of its des¬ common; she likes beer, and so do books. From ‘The da Vinci Code’ ing considered “poetry.” “He’s bril¬ erts, yet for whatever reason Dining I; in fact, we first met when we were to ‘Angels and Demons,’ he’s practi¬ liant” said Jake. Services reports that Bates chapter From the moment Bates senior both drinking.” cally a Dan Brown scholar” says El¬ Jake and Ellen have been all of The CLA and Surgeon General Jake’s eyes met Ellen’s from across Although this brave couple cite len. “Sometimes, we’ll be looking but inseparable during their year are Watching Me, the nationwide the party, he knew he had finally beer and drinking in general as one at a painting or something, and he’ll together, and despite the present organization devoted to urinating found the right person to settle of their favorite ways to pass an eve¬ just start talking and I won’t really strength of their relationship, friends in jars, making especially sure that down with. ning, other shared interests include know what he’s talking about, but it and family wonder how the two will their members’ hands are clean and “Ellen is so amazing,” Jake says, making out and looking/seeming sounds really smart. And sexy.” maintain their “really amazing con¬ discussing the artistic merit of Dan “from her smooth muscular legs to cool to others. Despite his classical training, nection.” Ellen, clearly benefiting Brown novels hasn’t yet contacted her thin, toned body, I knew we “Since I started ‘hooking up’ Jake somehow manages to stay from Jake’s aged wisdom, cheer¬ their offices. The group’s spokes¬ were a perfect match right from the with Jake, a senior, my popular¬ down to earth. “You know, I don’t fully discusses the strategies the two man, Howie Hoose ’09 merely re¬ beginning.” Jake and Ellen are just ity has skyrocketed” After all we’ve read to impress people. It’s just to plan on employing while Jake be¬ sponded to the Student’s questions one of many senior-freshman cou¬ been through this year, I think we keep me busy” says Jake. “There’s gins his internship at General Elec¬ by esoterically claiming “My dog told ples who classmates predict are “re¬ are really going to make it.” only so many beer cans you can tric. “The facebook will play a huge me to kill my cousin and the bugs ally going to make it.” From ageism Ellen doesn’t mind that Jake is smash into your forehead in one role when we’re apart” says Ellen. on my eyes fire truck.” Though the to the tremendously long “walk of a bit older and, shall we say, a bit day.” “I’m going to poke her every now group has not pressured Dining Ser¬ shame” from off campus houses to more “experienced.” In fact, Jake’s Ellen knew that Jake was seri¬ and then” says Jake with a knowing vices its director, Christine Schwartz, Smith, these couples have overcome extensive life experience helped the ous the day he updated his AIM wink. The two also plan on IMing citing the recent culinary shift on immense odds in the name of love. pair make it through some of the profile. “There was like, the most one another and calling each other campus, has proactively volunteered “When I first started dating Elle,” more challenging aspects of their beautiful poetry there, and I knew “like, every night.” to rename “Crazy Cake” as “Dennis said Jake, “Everyone said I was dat¬ relationship. Ellen cites Jake’s intel¬ that it was for me” says Ellen. Jake Sweet-Cake.” ing her because she was totally hot, ligence as one of one of the reasons clarified that the quote was actually See POKING, page 5 THE BATES TUESDAY. MAY 9. 2006 5 The Greatest Adventure Yet Drury Alleged Drug Dining Services Serves Up Congo Expedition Drops Abuse at a 7/5 Club Fatty Tannenbaum

CONTINUED FROM PAGE 3

CONTINUED FROM PAGE 3 tal, at least three gallons of wa¬ me a late game advantage as ter missed his mouth and were my opponent was only left with therefore wasted in the brief small creatures and I was able exchange. to beat him down with my 7/5 The last part of the tape fo¬ fatty.” cuses on smoke machines with¬ In the fourth and final round in the club. An official statement against a fifteen-year old sport¬ from the Office of Student Ac¬ ing a tank top and an eyebrow tivities described the machines ring, Game 1 went D’s way as “typical fog machines,” but when his two Rakdos Ickspit- this exclusive video shows tub¬ ter’s destroyed his opponent’s ing that lead from the back of creatures. Game 2 came down the machines out of the club. to the luck of the draw: “I knew Further investigation has One example of the local wildlife expected to be present during Wednesday’s Adventure in Dining. I was dead the next turn if I found that the tubes lead to didn’t draw the right card, but a space formerly used as a custodian’s closet. The tape CONTINUED FROM PAGE 2 go Chu. they will return to Bates via when I picked up a Squeal¬ shows the anonymous videota¬ Aside from the novelty of be¬ plane. ing Devil, I knew it was game per opening the cloor, at which ing in the jungle itself, the ad¬ Overall, students seem to be over.” figuring out how to transport point the picture is engulfed in venture will also feature a jug¬ enthusiastic about the upcom¬ Drury finished third with the marche station overseas,” billowing smoke. gling hunchback, a sundae bar ing adventure, but some are his only loss coming against said Pete Rodrigiuez, a Com¬ Local officials have conclud¬ and the opportunity to have less sure that it will fit into their the eventual tournament cham¬ mons worker. “But the marche is ed that this “fishbowled”- space your picture taken in a giant schedules. pion. Dustin received five Dis¬ the cornerstone of all our adven¬ had been feeding the cluUs- fog chair next to an old man. Jim Mann, a Bates College sension® booster packs and a tures in dining, so we are going machines. Students are encouraged to freshman, said he was excited special edition life counter for to have to figure out a way to When the smoke cleared, it dress casually for Wednesday’s about the upcoming adventure his efforts. make it work.” was revealed that the tiny clos¬ adventure, especially since peo¬ but also expressed some am¬ “I was proud of my third Upon their arrival in the Af¬ et had been completely remod¬ ple-watching during dinner will bivalence, citing concerns about place finish, but I think I can rican jungle, students will be eled as an eighteenth-century be difficult given the rough jun¬ a five page philosophy paper. do better.” Among his career served a buffet style meal im¬ Chinese opium den. gle environment. “Of course I’ve always wanted goals, Drury remarked: “I hope ported directly from Commons, Professor of Asian Studies Once students have finished to visit Africa,” Mann said, “but to one day make it to the Pro¬ including Congo style sweet and Dennis Grafflin commended their meals and deposited their I was hoping to hit the library fessional Tour and maybe earn sour cod, African soup bowl and the room’s designers, explain¬ trays on a rough-hewn conveyor after dinner and I’m not sure if an induction into the Magic Hall choice of premium water or blue ing, “...the details are to the let¬ belt made of vines and sticks, we’ll be back in time.” of Fame.” Powerade. Dessert will be Con¬ ter. This is a perfectly authen¬ Lane Hall Admits to tic Chinese opium den, circa 1750.” Sought out for comment, NIGHT! Ignoring Giant Elephant President Hansen was delighted College CONTINUED FROM PAGE 3 to hear that such a historically proved that there was no accurate space on campus had haven’t we heard about it liberal bias at Bates, not¬ been built for ethnic minori¬ before?” ing that Stampy’s presence ties. The elephant, for all demonstrated an institu¬ “As a renowned scholar of its destructiveness, has be- tional “support for, if not nourishment of, right-wing Chaucer, I have a distinct ap¬ jjMS come a powerful symbol afc. preciation for history, and as for President Hansen. In¬ political symbols.” Most the President of a NESCAC deed, Lane Hall is already students, it seems, are not school, I have a distinct appre¬ working on how to spin buying the administra¬ ciation for ethnic diversity. This Stampy as a beneficial ad¬ tion’s spin, and want to is what I like to call a ‘double- dition to the college. know why and how Lane whammy1. It is a testament to. Citing her commence¬ Hall could have possibly Bates’ commitment to both his¬ ment speech, she noted managed to ignore the el¬ tory and diversity that this cul¬ that the elephant all but ephant in the room. turally sensitive space has been constructed.” 2 for 1 Mexican Entrees! Poking: True Love Expressed Local police are still sorting ^ollegej through the videotape, using CONTINUED FROM PAGE 4 says Ellen, waving it in this reporter’s face, the heart a side-by-side comparison to pointing to its bearer like thefacebook.com to obtain the But the most secure identities of the individuals in¬ Mexican Restaurant €* Watering Hole a beacon. means of preserving the Ellen expects to attend volved. Warrants are expected 080 QflEGxai) S£G3G duo’s connection rests on Jake’s graduation, barring to be issued before the end of Ellen’s right finger. “He any conflicts with parties the week. bought me this beautiful in Hedge. Claddagh ring last week” For more information about Margaritas visit us at www.margs.com Congratulations Seniors! Serving Bates Students Since 1987 Thanks for your business. Have a great summer. . . Come get your free Koozie! Merrill Road Self Storage We look forward to seeing you all again in the fall! Offices at 741 Main St In “Subway” sandwich building Phone: 784-2483 Fax: 777-3637 Convenient! Units located off College St. for your storage needs. Campus Cutters Cuts ♦ Colors A-Perms ♦ Foils ♦ Waxing ♦ Massage Great rates, prepaid discounts, Video surveillance, Various sizes. U-HAUL rentals available. 48 Central Avenue - 207-786-3363 NEWS TUESDAY, MAY 9, 2006 --t!fye plates Divisive Salad Bar Blamed Bates Security Admits to Steroid Use

FRANKLIN DELANO until he accidentally shot a seven goatees and shaved heads to the for Commons Inequality ROMANOWSKI year old, admits that steroids were ramped steroid abuse, noting that STAFF WRITER the only way to meet the quota. testosterone around the office was SILKY JOHNSTON was spiraling out of control. “Look, they make us drive “in the plenitude.” STAFF WRITER At this point, Security called Last Thursday, the Lewiston around in those prissy minivans Biff is also concerned that the the Lewiston Police Department for Police Department reported elev¬ all day dressed in purple and now investigation could tarnish his backup. But the police were slow en arrests in the ongoing grand we have to ,nab twenty Batesies plans for shattering the all time Last Saturday, massive food fight¬ to respond, as many of the officers jury investigation regarding the a week! Something had to give.” strike record of 755 set by Hankie ing and rioting broke out at Chase on duty were shopping at Salvation use of steroids by the Bates Col¬ Biff also attributes the plethora of Poopsalot back in 1929 during pro¬ Hall when Bates Security, acting Army for disguises in preparation of lege Security. While news of ste¬ hibition. Currently, Biff is upon an order issued by President an undercover party bust that eve¬ roids use has been shocking to at 667 and is shooting (no Elaine Tuttle Hansen, attempted to ning. By the time order was restored, everyone in the Bates community, pun intended) to break the force students to opposite sides of a number of students and security most people attribute it to recent record by the end of short the High Room salad bar to sit to¬ personnel alike had suffered minor spikes in strike quotas. term. However, his fate gether. injuries. It took hours for Commons to be cleaned up. Since taking office four years is in the hands of a grand The controversial order was is¬ The incident has a number of ago, Bates president Elaine Tuttle jury investigation which is sued by Hansen after noting what students and staff members ques¬ Hansen—known as “Queen Tut” in its second year. she saw as a recurring pattern of tioning Hansen and Carey’s actions. around the office—has made a President Hansen was discrimination and exclusion. “We, “Elaine Tuttle Hansen has no idea concerted effort to crack down unavailable for comment as members of the Bates community, how Commons functions,” said Di¬ on drinking. In addition to athlet¬ because she was attending need to confront the challenges that rector of Dining Services Christine ics, diversity and fun, Hansen also a seminar on public speak¬ threaten the principles of education¬ Schwartz. “She simply did not under¬ feels that underage drinking has ing. However, she did al freedom and social equality,” said Hansen in a speech prepared for the stand what kind of effect desegregat¬ no place in the liberal arts experi¬ email us a list of obscure issuance of the desegregation order. ing Commons would have on the ence. The result has been a strin¬ Yeats quotes reminding us “The fact that students today eat in students. She only comes in once gent strike quota system where that “people who are sen¬ groups predetermined by the length a month, and on the rare occasion each security member must dish sible about love are inca¬ of their hair or by whether or not that she graces us with her presence, out 20 a week. pable of it.” their collar is popped is causing us she sits in the Rowe Room and eats The quota system has put No one knows where to lose sight of the liberal arts val¬ only a small salad bowl of spinach.” enormous pressure on Security, the investigation will go ues that this institution was founded Schwartz added, off the record, “I according to one official. Security from here, but LAPD will upon 150 years ago.” spat in the bowl of spinach once.” officer Biff Reynolds agrees that keep us informed regard-. The date that both Bates Security “This never would have hap¬ the burden has really taken a toll ing any further develop¬ and the president’s office decided to pened if Scott Huntoon was still on team morale. Biff, who used ments. Tom Carey after a flaxseed oil injection. impose the forced seating arrange¬ working here,” said a Commons to be on the Lewiston Police force ments was Saturday evening, believ¬ worker who asked not to be ing that most students would be too named. hung-over from the previous eve¬ Many students were also quick Deans’ Vow of Celibacy Shows ning’s Cinco de Mayo festivities to to criticize any attempts to mix hip¬ put up much resistance, while oth¬ pies and jocks. “God! I can’t be¬ Commitment to Ending Hate Crimes ers would be in a mellow mood due lieve they tried to make those back to the reggae/funk/jam/bluegrass room hippies sit with us,” groused HAROLD P. WORTHINGTON IV harmful to my maniage, will benefit occur sometime before the end of grooves and gravity bong rips that Aubrey Blanchard ’06 as she wiped STAFF WRITER the campus I love in the long run. In Short Term. Until then we reserve the have come to be associated with the guacamole off of her pink polo shirt. the mean time, I have taken up knit¬ right to utilize these objects for official Ronjstock music festival held earlier “They’re so dirty and mean.” ting to keep my hands busy in my security purposes.” Despite general disapproval of In their continuing efforts to seek that day. But it soon became clear spare time.” The deans also expressed hope her decision, Hansen still defends to bring awareness to the student that the large majority of students Another dean, who politely asked that their daring action might gain her decision and indicated that she body regarding recent racist vandal¬ would resist when forced to move to remain anonymous, did not see the some converts among the more activ¬ across Commons. While their ac¬ would continue her forced seating ism on campus, a meeting of the big deal about the new abstinence ist, progressive students on campus, policy. “During these times I am re¬ deans of Bates College concluded that tions initially began as passive, hos¬ policy. “This is the rough equivalent young adults who would be willing to minded of William Butler Yeats, who they would have to lead by example, tilities continued as more Security of me giving up deep-sea diving for make the necessary sexual sacrifices. personnel showed up. Eventually, once said ‘Education is not the filling vowing to abstain from any and all Lent; I doubt I will notice any tangible Thus far the response to this of a pail, but the lighting of a fire.’ I sexual activity until the campus finally in an effort to prevent the seating ar¬ change in my life. I mean, I go to the challenge has been minimal, but the think this remark best characterizes achieved an acceptable amount of rangements from being implement¬ gym every day, I eat well, but still no administration has high hopes, with ed, students on both sides resorted what we are attempting to accom¬ “open-mindedness and tolerance”. luck. I can feel my ovaries drying up!” Dean Sawyer commenting that “in this plish. By forcing students with dif¬ “We just felt that desperate times to throwing food. “Regrettably we At this point they started to sob quietly institution, founded by abolitionists, ferent styles and tastes in music to called for desperate measures,” Dean decided to implement the desegre¬ and this reporter quickly exited the surely the student body will under¬ eat chicken crispitos next to one an¬ Ted Goundie stated upon his leaving gation order on Taco Bar night, so scene, resolving to himself that a job stand the importance of actively real¬ the situation became messy fairly other, we are continuing the rich tra¬ the conference room. on the administrative side of academia izing the egalitarian values Bates was dition of social egalitarian values that “Although I must say I honestly did quickly,” noted Bates Security Direc¬ might not be the best course in life. built on, rather then immersing them¬ have sustained the egalitarian image not expect things to get this desperate. tor Thomas Carey. The early repercussions of this selves in the hedonistic pleasures of Soon Commons became a fren¬ of Bates College as an egalitarian in¬ I fear I may now have to destroy what new mission have already been felt the moment.” Unfortunately, no stu¬ zy of Mexican food mayhem, and it stitution throughout the years. Egali¬ many of my friends describe as an amongst the deans' ranks, as a large dent could be reached concerning the became apparent that the situation tarian.” ‘epic’ collection of pornography so I stash of Playboys, condoms, and dil- dean’s initiative, with the exception of can remain faithful to our resolution.” dos were removed from a men’s bath¬ one John McNulty, a senior. Exactly how this resolution would room in Lane Hall. “Yo what are you doing on cam¬ Administration Vows to Burn directly contribute to the cessation of Bates Security, which engineered pus man?!” he chastised. “Everyone racial tensions on the campus was the raid based on an anonymous tip, is off at Range Pond getting crunked, Down Roger Williams Hall unclear, but, as Dean Reese pointed issued a statement stressing that “the smoking trees and hooking up like PRINCESS BUTTERCUP in February. Its continued use would out, “This plan of action clearly shows owner(s) of the seized paraphernalia mad crazy! I was just about to jump STAFF WRITER require renovation, but renovation how much we care about having a are free to come to the Security Office on my Vespa and head over there would require bringing the building hate-free environment on campus. I to claim their possessions, but only af¬ right now! Colllleeeeeggggggeee!” completely up to date with fire codes. mean, I am a recently married man, ter it has become clear that whatever What those profound words mean The Tuttle Hansen administration, Instead, the deans hope that some¬ don’t you think everyday after work students are perpetrating these recent for the future of the dean’s daring goal eager to cut costs and increase approv¬ where under the anticipated smoke I can’t wait to get some? My refrain¬ racist acts have abandoned their big¬ will only be understood in the com¬ al ratings with the student body, found hovering over the building next year, ing from such, however painful and oted convictions. We suspect that will ing weeks. its solutions in the housing changes there will be fire. “To re-do the build¬ made for the 2006-07 school year, most ing would be too pricey,” one said. These deans plan to keep "it" in their pants until justice is served: notably the elimination of “chem-free” “And tearing the whole thing down housing from Roger Williams Hall. would cost a lot, too. What we’re think¬ While the change has been popu¬ ing, though, is that if we give them a lar with upperclassmen eager to live chance, students will bum it down for in spacious Roger Williams rooms but us.” unwilling to deal with chem-free regu¬ This proposed plan for the vul¬ lations, the administration’s plans go be¬ nerable building’s destruction includes yond the substance-induced happiness adding matches, aersol cans, lighter of the student body. The Bill is in its last years as a dor¬ See FIRE HAZARD, page 8 mitory, Dean Holly Gurney explained -* THE BATES iffi'limNT. TUESDAY. MAY 9. 2006 1 Foster Zsiga Finds Thesis Talk: The Inexplicable Link Between "NBA Jam" Dank New Uses Announcer Quotes and Sexual Encounters at Bates College For Spare Rooms SLIPPERY PETE to convey his analysis would be in into the hook-up scene: you spend escapes and buzzer beaters are the STAFF WRITER a rapid-fire manner, offering a quo¬ all night working the same girl turn stuff of legend. KENT DORFMAN tation from the NBA Jam announcer your back she’s been swept away by “The nail in the coffin - The an¬ STAFF WRITER Jeremy Wastoflife, ’07, an Ameri¬ and then linking it to an applicable someone else. nouncer says this when one team sexual scenario here at Bates. The re¬ “Puts up a brick! - The announc¬ reaches a commanding lead with Following what Lewiston Po¬ can Cultural Studies major, has com¬ sult was one of the'most one-sided er yells this when an off-balance and under a minute to play. In the Bates lice described as “a [thorough and bined two loves in his life to fonn his and interesting interviews of this jour¬ ill-advised shot leaves the hand of a hook-up scene, this clinching move conclusive] investigation,” Dean senior thesis: sex and video games. With his concentration in American nalist’s young career, as the transcript player. He can tell, even that early in generally takes the form of a late- of Housing Erin Foster Zsiga was below will surely show. the play, that it’s headed for disaster. night invite back to one’s room; an led handcuffed and kicking from sexual dynamics, he has chosen “Can’t buy a bucket - Maybe you This can be equated to watching a offer that cagey veterans will often the closet of the Student Activi¬ to analyze the college sex life and “hook-up” scene through an unorth¬ can’t in NBA Jam, but you sure as hell friend plop down on a couch next sweeten with the promise of a Thai ties Office Monday. Police allege can in Lewiston. As a matter of fact, to a, shall we say, less than desirable Dish or Papa John’s order. that Foster Zsiga has been run¬ odox lens, or should we say, voice. a great number of the ‘participants’ in potential partner. Even in the early “He jams it in! - Now this is about ning small meth labs in vacant Wastoflife upholds that the announc¬ er in 1993’s “NBA Jam” video game my ‘research’ were paid for their ser¬ stages, it’s easy to see when a shot is as explicit as it gets. Remember ev¬ dorm rooms during this Short vices. completely off target. erybody, consent is sexy. Term. for the SEGA Genesis gaming con¬ sole uses a number of quotes that, “He’s heating up...he’s on fire “Rejected! - This is as basic as it "Boomshakalaka! - I saved the Allegations began when the - This line points out an unfortunate gets. You take your best shot and it best for last. This is the mother of all third floor of Smith North mys¬ although allegedly describing the ac¬ tion on the court, can actually be ap¬ potential side affect of the college gets slapped right back in your face. hook-ups, the type of out-of-control teriously disappeared late last sexual experience, that of course be¬ Happens to the best of us. session that can keep an entire city week. Following the floor’s dis¬ plied to various sexual scenarios here at Bates College. ing the burning sensation of acquir¬ “Grabs the rebound! - In basket¬ block awake until sunrise. Everyone bandment, Foster Zsiga was seen ing a sexually transmitted disease. ball, rebounding is all about position¬ should strive to partake in at least one carrying large boxes filled with Sound absurd’ Well this reporter had the pleasure to sit down with “Ugly shot! - (Laughs) Oh, we’ve ing and tenacity. Grabbing a girl on of these before graduation." cough syrup up the three flights all taken a few of these in our day, the rebound is no different. If you see It’s plain to see that Wastoflife has of stairs. Wastoflife just last week, and al¬ though his six-page full year thesis haven’t we? These are the sorts of en¬ a particularly lame guy making a pass dedicated himself to this project and Fourth floor residents have will not be completed until the final counters when ‘doggy style’ describes at someone, move in close and use has the thorough analysis to prove reported a strange odor and loud physical appearance, not a sexual po¬ his rejection and dismissal as an ice it. His thesis defense is being held in explosions coming from below. Thursday night of Short Term, most of sition. breaker. Pettengill G54 on May 26, and should Saturday morning one student his analysis is already established and he aptly justifies these links between “Is it the shoes? - Asking this “From downtown! - Ah, the clas¬ draw quite a crowd. On side-by-side was hospitalized after she inad¬ question is a great way to identify the sic ‘friend from home’ hook-up. If projector screens he will play a game vertently free-based a toxic dose a children’s video game in 1993 and college sexuality in 2006. When asked parties involved when a sexual en¬ you see a guy at a party working on of NBA Jam and showcase a mon¬ of meth-amphetamine. why his thesis has taken so long to counter is taking place in a bathroom an unidentifiable and coincidentally tage featuring videotaped sexual es¬ Foster Zsiga staffed her lab stall. Having a working knowledge extremely attractive lady, you know capades from his year of research. “If through the “new and innova¬ complete, he explained that the two¬ of the shoes one’s friends regularly he’s brought in a ringer. Nothing to I’m lucky and the timing works out, tive Short Term: Jokers, Smok¬ pronged project required “extensive research,” including but not limited to wear will allow for prompt identifica¬ do there but tip your hat. some of the announcer’s quotes will ers, Midnight Tokers.” Students defeating all 27 NBA teams with all tion and subsequent shaming when “At the buzzer! - Just as you slip line up precisely with the video run¬ enrolled in the course said that necessary. out the back of a house with some ning beside it,” he mused. while, “it sucked to wake up ev¬ 27 NBA teams and engaging in “liter¬ ally countless sexual encounters.” “Intercepted! - One of the more lucky partygoer, undercover police Let’s all hope so, Jeremy. Let’s all ery morning at 6 a.m., it definite¬ Wastoflife felt that the best way frustrating Jamisms when translated burst in the front door. These narrow hope so. ly had its perks.” Body-Conscious Co-eds to Generate Green Energy Stan Hansen: you’d find most students who trek to ance for the occasional Papa John’s SUE ELLEN MISCHKE the Bert Andrews Room make the pil¬ frenzy, she believed the new initiative On a Short Leash STAFF WRITER grimage regularly, regardless of condi¬ come make cardio minutes “feel like H. E. PENNYPACKER reigning president of Bates Col¬ tions. These are some of Bates’ most genuine philanthropy.” STAFF WRITER lege for more than thirty years. Bates derives its green energy extreme athletes.” After some thought, Robert Bremm confirmed such More than just the anonymous from wind power, solar power and Bremm did admit to misgivings about findings, citing the well-known study face at the end of the leash, Stan hydroelectricity but, until recently, energy production on Newman Day. “Satisfaction and Fulfillment Levels in has worked in middle schools failed to tap a source even more im¬ The Spudent interviewed one Hamsters on Wheels” (Eli Minkoff, The dogs pull the leash taut- and high schools all over the mediate than Mother Nature’s prowess treadmill enthusiast on the second 1999). “Hamsters are always happiest ly—I see the fabric pull and slot country, helping children speaK, in Lewiston, Maine. Not so any lon¬ floor of the gym, situated among when they see that their efforts con¬ itself into the familiar groove of which is strange because no one ger, announced Physical Plant Direc¬ spandex, discarded People magazines tribute to something, when they know his hand, a trench worn deep has ever heard him say a word. tor Robert Bremm, who just last week and UGGs. When questioned as to they are not just running on a wheel by years of faithful, steadfast As we crossed the quad, the described an initiative to convert en¬ how she felt about her exercise en¬ spinning futilely in place. It’s no sur¬ dog-walking. Mishu and Pork First Husband emphasized his ergy produced by the spinning wheels deavors contributing to green energy, prise humans behave the same way.” Dumpling scamper ahead on hobbies instead of his actual of stationary bikes and the whir of el¬ the breathless Batesie responded: ‘To¬ Bremm even mentioned a pro¬ the Quad’s paths, sniffing trees work. Checking to make sure liptical machines. tally—excited—Can’t—wait—all— posed light meter—a visual display of and yipping whenever another that no one was around to hear, Though the drive to go green has this—time—I—worked-out—to— the college’s current levels of energy larger, fiercer canine comes into he confided to me that he enjoys been a campus-wide initiative, hall¬ fit—my clothes—and feel—healthy. consumption and production, either olfactory range. making bread. “It’s delicious,” marked by the voluntary sacrifice of Now—we’ll—now—I get to—save— of flickering light bulb or rising mer¬ I wanted to sit and have a quiet he said. student microwaves, this is the first the—enviro-ment.. .it’s—like—Cap¬ cury. The Green Energy Committee chat with Stan Tuttle Hansen, but Delicious indeed: this mav¬ known effort that would draw directly tain Planet—or something.” hopes the meter would further moti¬ Stan isn’t the sitting type. Mishu erick of a man who dares defy upon Bates student’s blood, sweat and This eager anticipation was com¬ vate Bates students of all abilities and and Pork Dumpling, the Tuttle- the Atkins diet craze of five years tears.. .or sweat, at least. mon among the headphone clad pa¬ endurances to push themselves to the Hansen’s two Snub-Nosed terri¬ ago churns out manna when not Though concerns were over roll¬ trons of Merrill Gym. Another girl on limit in a quest with implications more ers demand constant attention, at work. But his true love, his ing blackouts during cold winter a steeply inclined Stairmaster hoped broad-based than dropping a size in care, respect, love and above all, absolute passion it seems, is the days, Bremm assured our reporters student sentiments about the cardio their skinny jeans, Bremm explained. walking. Thinking that we had dictionary: Stan and his wife read this would not be the case, “I think room would change. Once the pen¬ a quiet moment, Tuttle Hansen the Oxford English Dictionary at invited me to sit down and even the dinner table. Entrenched in E.T.H. Apprehended in Middlebury Vault poured me a drink. Just as I was the tomes of England, Stan ac¬ about to ask the first question, crues a wealth of words that he a woman’s voice screamed “Stan, has apparently vowed to silently UNDERPANTS GNOME in Hansen’s office that listed the Hansen cut a deal with Jeff Skill¬ will you walk the fucking dogs keep to himself. heists as “Phase 1” of the project, STAFF WRITER ing, former CEO of Enron, to take for Christ’s sakes?” Tuttle Han¬ Leading the two terriers like while “Phase 2” sought to pro¬ over the embezzlement class after sen, apparently familiar with this a man racing down the final ♦ mote monetary acquisition as part the completion of his trial, and had type of suggestion, leashed the stretch of the Iditarod, he paus¬ President Elaine Tuttle Hansen of the College’s academic pro¬ begun filming lectures in the case two terriers, grabbed the trusty es. The light picks up the silver was apprehended yesterday swim¬ gram. “Phase 2” included a new that he was found guilty. After pooper-scooper by the door (lat¬ beard and hair, and he smiles ming through the gold coin vaults training system for freshmen and Hansen’s capture, the new classes er in our walk, he would refer to bemusedly, perhaps delighted at Middlebury College, part of what financial planning for juniors and were canceled and the dismayed it as “OF reliable”) and shot out by the inner radiance of the is being called a “groundbreak¬ seniors. Though Hansen refused students, excited by the prospect the door. thought that had just now struck ing exercise in fundraising.” The comment on her plan at that time, of more “hands-on” and “practical” We don’t know much about him, that gleaned awareness that FBI agent who found her, George the FBI uncovered information on skill-building courses, were forced the First Husband at Bates. A seems so simple, so obvious af¬ Wickham, remarked that the scene new seminars that were added to to clamor for spots in English Lit¬ solitary, even artistic figure, the ter the fact. I wait, poised, antic¬ “was like nothing [he] had ever the academic schedule this year erary Renaissance and Elementary man remains a myth to most ipating the cascade of liberated seen before. Except maybe on that including Safe-Cracking, Casing a Ancient Greek. students. Indeed, the legends sentiment to pour forth from the show Duck Tales.” Scene, The Get-Away for freshmen, After an attack on the Amherst surrounding the bearded, silver- guarded mouth, hoping for the The Middlebury heist was part How to Embezzle Without Getting vault three weeks ago, the F.B.I. haired Tuttle-Hansen seem more pronouncement of this Zarathus- of a new plan that Hansen recently Caught and Advanced Safe-Crack¬ considered Hansen as a suspect for salient and available than the tra. Soon the dogs finish up and disclosed to the Bates community ing for upperclassmen. both the Amherst attack and an ear¬ man himself: “Yeah who is that he employs OF Reliable. “Can’t to raise the sagging endowment President Hansen reportedly lier Williams burglary. Though little guy?” asked Jon Strange ’07. have them shitting everywhere” and achieve her $120 million goal recruited new professors at prisons Who indeed, Jon. Tuttle Han¬ he said as he nodded and walked for the "Campaign for Bates". The around the state and an unnamed See NEW ENDOWMENT, page 8 sen, an accredited speech pa¬ off. Can’t have them shitting ev- F.B.I uncovered secret documents senior administrator confirmed that thologist has been married to the erywhere indeed Stan._ 8 THE BATES TUESDAY. MAY 9. 2006 Graduates Migrate South in Search of Jobs, Land

H. P. WORTHINGTON IV den 1-95 South. These wayward STAFF WRITER sojourners rarely reach the fertile comfort of Eastern Massachusetts. Like their predecessors before Entire wagons will inevitably be them, the first pioneers of the class lost to the mighty rivers Merrimack of 2006 will set out south from the and Charles as students, tragically Bates College campus following unfamiliar with springtime flooding the conclusion of their final semes¬ and emboldened by the prospects ter. Those interviewed have cited lying ahead, attempt to ford six- a desire to get a head start on other foot rivers rather than waiting for a graduates in the search for the ru¬ ferry or paying a Native American mored riches of southern cities like guide to lead them around. Boston and New York, where it is As the journey wears on and the said that a person with a college distances between friendly trading degree could secure themselves forts become longer, specifically employment and land with little the devastating stretch between trouble. However, many trials and Fort Portland and Fort Portsmouth, tribulations await these young souls many graduates will be forced to on their journey from their homes stop and hunt. Caught in the heat in Lewiston to the wilderness that of the moment and consumed by abounds without. Tales of wild hunger, former Batesies have been success for former graduates are known to shoot and kill up to 960 often tempered by sobering stories pounds of meat, despite being able of disaster that befell the unlucky to carry only 50 pounds back to Press SPACE BAR to continue and the unprepared. their wagon. This leaves a wake of This computer-generated image projects the senior class' upcoming journey south. At the outset, these travelers find carnage and decimates the region's themselves at distinct advantages buffalo, rabbit and squirrel popula¬ town of Gray, Maine. Heady Housing according to their majors. Members tions. “Its just a great atmosphere of a pre-med student's party are Those who do not drown or here,” he wrote. “I’ve found myself CONTINUED FROM PAGE 1 gued “makes damn good weed. I far more likely to overcome chol¬ starve often suffer even worse a great gal named Suzie and took mean, have you smoked this shit. era or a snake bite. Those traveling fates, contracting diseases ranging over her father’s manure business. Those perks included large It’s fan-fucking-tastic.” with economics majors will find from diphtheria to malaria. The Having spent the last four years quantities of mariajuana, which As she was led away to a themselves with far more money latter is especially noteworthy, as shoveling bullshit via word proces¬ was evidently grown on the rug¬ waiting security minivan, she to spend on supplies like blankets the Center for Disease Control in¬ sor at Bates, the transition to pitch by field. Foster Zsiga had worked told reporters that she was guilty and boxes of bullets. If a theater sists that malaria has not only been fork has been a breeze." in conjunction with Mary Grav¬ of “no crime.” She said she was major who has built stages and sets eradicated from the United States Many who reached the prom¬ el to grow the giant quantities trying to raise the school endow¬ for productions here at Bates is in for quite some time, but that it also ised land without trouble in the of cannabis on the rugby field. ment through her drug trade. one's wagon, broken wheels and has never existed in New England past have cited their grueling pace Gravel would send an e-mail “Do you know what the street axels will be far less troublesome. to begin with. and meager rations, as well as prohibiting students from wak¬ value of that meth is? I’ll tell you, Philosophy, religion and ACS ma¬ Alkali water, snake bites and stocking up on bullets before leav¬ ing on the fields due to “wet con¬ it’s much more than a goddamn jors are unfortunately marching off bear maulings have also plagued ing Lewiston, as the recipe for suc¬ ditions,” which Foster Zsiga ar¬ Bates sweatshirt.” to certain death. Batesies on this trek over the years, cess. But merely choosing advanta¬ but their determination never wa¬ This year's wagon train will Deans Create Fire Hazards geous travelling companions will vered. Some have decided to depart at sunup on Monday, May trial strength steel, bunk beds will now not guarantee a safe passage. Every put down their roots along their CONTINUED FROM PAGE 1 29. It is recommended that all de¬ be made of a dry wicker saturated in year there are parties that decide way. One economics major, had a parting wagons leave together in an extremely flammable varnish. De¬ a scenic route through the White $60,000 analyst job in Boston with order to consolidate supplies and fluid, blow torches and do-it-yourself spite the fact that the Bill has no central Mountains would be the best path, Morgan Stanley, but on his journey increase the chances for survival. Napalm kits to the standard issue furni¬ ventilation system, fireplaces have been rather than sticking to the well-trod¬ south he fell in love with the small- ture set. “Of course we don’t want any curiously constructed in every room. students to be hurt,” a source from Lane “I could live with all the windows Health Center Requests Ade from U.N. Hall said. “But if they happen to start being sealed up with bales of hay,” said a fire in the building and then get out one concerned resident, “but they took safely, then there’s no harm in that.” on campus has begun to create a “We have seen a high number all the electricity out to force us to use SCOOTER HOLLIS Additionally, barrels of black pow¬ frenzy amongst students. of cases of mono, more common¬ candlelight and it’s really hard to do my STAFF WRITER der will be strategically placed around “There have been several in¬ ly known as the kissing disease, calc homework." high traffic areas and popular smoking stances of students trying to break in the freshman class,” Kennedy spots. Formerly constructed of indus¬ Following a devastating in to our Gatorade cabinet over said, “I don’t know what they are strand of the flu virus last winter, the last few weeks,” said one con¬ doing over there in Smith, but the Bates College Health Center cerned health center staff mem¬ they are drying up our stockpile Latest Bias Incident Targets Whites found itself in the uncomfortable ber, “We keep that cabinet under of Ade faster than we can replen¬ challenged by another member position of soliciting the United lock and key and twenty-four ish it.” CONTINUED FROM PAGE 6 of New World, Bill Fortinbras Nations for Ade last week. hour surveillance but students are Instead of the blanket pre¬ '07, who condescendingly asked, “The flu virus this winter re¬ starting to get really desperate.” scription of Gatorade and a good group, who are all out of town at “jeez, haven’t you read any Chom¬ ally did a number on our Ade The Health Center staff prays that night’s sleep, Heath Center staff a workshop. “Just because they sky!?” Upon replying that I had, supplies,” said Betty Kennedy, a the U.N. will respond swiftly to has been forced to administer always end their prayers with and would he like to discuss it, he clinic physician at the health cen¬ their pleas for help, “before it’s some unorthodox remedies over ‘death to America’ does not make responded, “No... I mean, I was ter, “Gatorade, Powerade; all of it too late.” the past few weeks including them dangerous people. It is just wondering.” Later at the pro¬ has been seriously depleted.” Heath center staff also blames cough drops for sore throats and simply symbolic of their larger test Fortinbras was overheard re¬ Though the health center an unusually promiscuous fresh¬ coughs, Advil for headaches and struggle against the mainstream. peating “I’m so moral” under his has tried to keep the problem man class on the depletion of more cowbell for fevers. When has the fusion of religion breath while making a hand ges¬ under wraps, the scarcity of Ade their precious Ade supply. and politics ever proved to be a volatile mix? People read too ture typically reserved for private much into symbols. Whoa, is that moments of self-gratification. New Endowment Initiative Anchored in Theft an orange shirt you’re wearing?” President Hansen has re¬ Several prominent Bates of¬ sponded to the bias incident in CONTINUED FROM PAGE 7 me that the bobcat had nothing to clever thief. Her entry technique ficials have proposed installing her characteristically captivating do with it—she was not aware that and knowledge of these circum¬ security cameras in Pettengill to manner. The speech she gave, Bates participated in athletic com¬ stances almost had us outwitted. easily identify any future perpe¬ condemning the graffiti and high¬ evidence was found at the scene, petition of any kind. She just said But she couldn’t stop herself from trators. There has been a strong lighting the unifying aspects of a sketch of a small bobcat with a that she had learned from experi¬ hitting one more vault. That’s how reaction to this suggestion by sev¬ this community, drew upon rich burglar mask was drawn in Sharp¬ ence that drawing on a wall really we catch most of them.” After they eral Bates groups. Sunshine Hon¬ allusions to writers as diverse as ie marker on the side of the vault got people’s attention.” caught Hansen and processed her eysuckle Smith of the New World Chaucer and Woolf. Her oration door—similar to the one found at Once the FBI considered this prints, they were able to connect Coalition, which staged a protest reflected upon her difficult child¬ the Williams vault a few weeks be¬ drawing and the few strands of her to a number of other thefts in front of the building denounc¬ hood, and upon her undergradu¬ fore. Wickham had assumed the gray hair found inside the vault, the including the looting of the regis¬ ing such plans, said that the move ate struggle through the danger¬ symbol to be Hansen’s calling card, next step was to guess the thief’s ter at the Brunswick High School would make Pettengill like a po¬ ous racial schisms that erupted in though when confronted, Wickham next move. They set up patrol¬ lunchroom five years ago and lice state. When asked how that the 1960s at that hotbed of eth¬ was surprised to learn that the Pres¬ men at each of the remaining NE- the break-in at Moody’s Diner six would be possible, given the fact nic tension, Mount Holyoke. Her ident was unaware of the bobcat as SCAC schools for the remainder of months ago, both now seen as trial that Pettengill requires keycard perceptive insights into human Bates’ school mascot. “She assured the week. Says Wickham, “She’s a exercises for her larger thefts. access anyway, Sunshine replied, nature helped to calm the tense “Capitalist!” This writer was then atmosphere.