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The Bates Spudent - Volume 135 Number 23 - May 9, 2006

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Bates College SCARAB The Bates Student Archives and Special Collections 5-9-2006 The Bates Spudent - volume 135 number 23 - May 9, 2006 Bates College Follow this and additional works at: https://scarab.bates.edu/bates_student Recommended Citation Bates College, "The Bates Spudent - volume 135 number 23 - May 9, 2006" (2006). The Bates Student. 2806. https://scarab.bates.edu/bates_student/2806 This Newspaper is brought to you for free and open access by the Archives and Special Collections at SCARAB. It has been accepted for inclusion in The Bates Student by an authorized administrator of SCARAB. For more information, please contact [email protected]. The Newspaper of Bates College Since 1873 {Efje pate* 4SWW VOLUME 135. NO. 23 Tl TSDVY, MAY *». 200(i l t WISTOY. MAINE Diverse, Drunk and Well-Endowed: Bates Moves to Canada H. E. PENNYPACKER body will become international STAFF WRITER students. “By moving north, we will reconnect with our Abolition¬ ist, northern-moving values” said Last weekend the Tuttle-Han- President Hansen. “The reloca¬ sen administration stunned Bates tion will open the doors to egali¬ College and the twin cities of tarianism and community. Fresh¬ Lewiston-Auburn in its unprec¬ man Sully O’Mulligan affirmed edented announcement that Bates Hansen’s reasoning. “Twenty- College will be relocated to East¬ minutes-outsida-Bahstan just be¬ ern Canada. came wicked fucking rare, dood” The administration amended a said O’Mulligan. “I’m gonna be popular cliche while announcing like a fuckin’ byoo-ti-ful achid or their logic for the move: “The re¬ something up there. I’m gonna location will kill three birds with score more than Wayne Gretsky, PRINCE one stone. In one fell swoop, we you know what I’m sayin dood?” EDWARD ISLAND will, one, solve the endowment Though extreme, there is some New crisis, two, offset the demograph¬ precedent to the move. Nearby BRUNSWICK ic homogeneity that stagnates Colby College, faced with a pop¬ intellectual and cultural growth.” ulation crisis and the encroaching HAINt John Hearing groans from the assem¬ community at the turn of the cen¬ Bangw NOVA 3COTIJ bled students, President Hansen tury, relocated their campus far¬ ONTARIO played her hole card, noting that ther away from the center of Wa- Hjt.fj* the relocation to Canada would terville. But unlike Colby, Bates also offer more practical benefits does not intend on sucking. to the student population: “You’ll While the student body greet¬ be able to legally drink your yup¬ ed the news enthusiastically, lo¬ MICHIGAN pie little heads off,” she said. The cal community ’ businessmen MASSACHUSETTS Deere* student body immediately be¬ bemoaned the loss of Bates’ gen¬ NEW YORK gan to chant “La-batt’s” and “Ca- erally affluent students. “What Ne*rYsrlc Na-Da” in response to the good am I going to do? I’ve got a fam¬ news. ily to feed!” exclaimed Papa John. Developing her reasoning for “What am I going to tell Mama As this sophisticated topographical map shows, Bates' upcoming move to Canada will serve many purposes. the move, President Hansen ex¬ John? Little Sonny John has a plained that the dollar’s strength birthday coming up, and Daugh¬ against the loon will immediately ter John needs braces!” prises won the contract with an of land: the two attempted to Goundie as he left the podium. and exponentially increase the Though this is the first that the exceptionally low bid (the firm move New York City in their Dining Services has already size of the endowment. “I final¬ student body has heard of the re¬ demanded world domination and failed “Manhattan Project.” “The begun the transitory process, re¬ ly won’t be the only one around location, plans for the movement a Teenage-Mutant-Ninja-Turtle- project was brilliantly engineered naming “Canadian Bacon” simply here that’s well-endowed” said are well underway. Lane Hall ac¬ free working environment). In and executed. It would have “Bacon” and serving French Fries Hansen, gesturing to her chest. cepted contractual bids for the addition to their low bid, Krang succeeded if it weren’t for those with poutine. By making Bates Canadian, movement. The New York Based and Shredder Enterprises has ex¬ god damn turtles” said Shredder The movement will begin this the vast majority of the student firm Krang and Shredder Enter¬ perience re-locating huge tracts before roundhouse kicking Dean summer: Canada ho! Even More Graffiti Discovered RonjKart Powered by Feet, Smiles Bates Senior Receives $10,000 Grant to "Figure Things Out" in Pettengill Hall MR. SMALLWEED black-and-white of an issue.” STAFF WRITER Demonstrations have been or¬ ganized in response to the hate¬ ful act committed in Pettengill. On Monday morning, custo¬ The Bates College Republicans, dians in Pettengill Hall discov¬ one of the minority groups on ered the word “cracker” written campus, are leading the protests. in black marker on a wall in a But the protests themselves have second floor stairwell. The deans not been free from controversy. were notified immediately, and, At one event, where pamphlets after viewing the crime scene, were handed out demanding an ordered the racial slur painted immediate response by the insti¬ over. tution, students who refused to There was a strong response take the literature were confront¬ on the Bates campus. One indi¬ ed with abusive epithets. “Look,” vidual, who spoke with me only said another member of Aman¬ Elaine Tuttle Hansen Sits Daily Jolt Wins Pulitzer, Deemed on condition of being identified dla!, challenged by those hand¬ Awkwardly at Basketball Game "Last Bastion of Journalistic as “Nate Walton,” said, “I think ing out the pamphlets, “why are it’s despicable how we’re being you accusing us of writing this Integrity" marginalized here at Bates, how word? We have nothing against we’re being picked on by black you. The entire racial history of students. Life for me ain’t been America has been characterized no crystal stair. I struggled to by companionship and harmony. get into this school. Father had Maybe it was Middle Eastern ter¬ to promise at least $100,000 in rorists.” The Bates College Ter¬ donations before I could be ac¬ rorist Alliance vehemently denies cepted.” The Amandla! group this charge, and has responded expressed dismay at such an ex¬ by saying that such language plicit allegation of discrimination. only marginalizes Arabs. Seamus “We categorically reject such a O’Reilly, Real IRA representative charge, and I don’t think such an in the Terrorist Alliance, spoke on accusation will help their cause,” behalf of the Arab members of the said one member of the group. “They’re manipulating it into too See LATEST BIAS, page 8 ■ TUESDAY, MAY 9, 2006 LETTERS for quick response and maximum More information p|easee re¬ also purchase school supplies for security. Increase Penis Friend of the fer to the entire news for the com¬ my village in addition to profiting Premier Information Man¬ pany published on January 31. myself. 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