The Bates SWDENV THE GIGGLES OF SINCE SOMEONE CLEVER DECIDED TO MAKE A JOKE PAPER

Housing office unveils new plan Skye Event Center and to handle housing shortage The Blue Goose: A re¬ view of Lewiston’s teem¬ ing social hot-spots

modes of transit. “Someone gave ADAM BAUM us a tip to reserve a spot in a Papa STAFF WRITER John’s delivery car,” explains par¬ You may have heard of Tao ty guest Reese Witherspoon. “It night club in Las Vegas or The worked out great, we even got a 40/40 Club in New York, but few slices of pizza out of it.” what about Skye Event Center, While Club Skye has gained located in the heart of Lewis¬ a lot of attention for the recent ton’s exclusive Promenade Mall birthday event, the city’s most Shopping Center? Recently es¬ trusted drinking establishment, tablished, Club Skye follows The Blue Goose, has made some the likes of Vybz, Karma, and changes to try and keep up. Rondevu (accurate spelling ap¬ Widely esteemed among the parently off-trend) as the pre¬ Bates student community and miere location for Batesies and local social circuit for its laissez- Lewiston locals. Skye has burst faire rules and , Lew¬ onto the Lewiston scene as the iston’s finest drinking establish¬ trendy spot for Bates students to ment “The Blue Goose” now nurse a (heavy handed) Long Is¬ requires each patron to perform Students indulge in a quick nap between classes in the Chase Hall Lounge, one of the low-chem op¬ land Ice Tea and dance until the a personalized talent act in order tions for students being placed in one of the new couch dorms. Given the size of the couches in this early hours of the morning (or to gain entrance. Goose regulars couch dorm region, they have been allocated as doubles. SELF TIMER/COURTESY PHOTO until lam, when the lights get were shocked when the bar start¬ In order to give every en¬ of my friends! I was hoping for turned on). ed requiring two forms of iden¬ SEYMOUR BUTTS tering student and returning the French and Francophone One might survey Skye’s tification, even scanning ID’s to STAFF WRITER student on summer housing, a Studies lounge because it is clos¬ sprawling set-up and think, ensure legitimacy. But the bar The class of 2017 was the comfortable place to sleep the er to Commons but Hedge is a “This place must be perfect for has taken its entrance policy to largest in Bates College history, housing office is going to assign pretty cool building, I guess,” all of the Bat/Bar Mitzvah’s host¬ a new level by demanding that resulting in a high number of couches in academic buildings said a rising sophomore who was ed among the Lewiston/Auburn the many customers who wish to senior students getting placed in like Pettengill Hall, Roger Wil¬ formerly on the summer housing population!” What might not enter must perform some kind of overflow housing options. The liams Hall, Hedge Hall and the list. come to mind is that it’s actu¬ personal talent. admission process for the Class George and Helen Ladd Library. As far as storage for students ally an opportune setting for a A member of the newly- of 2018 was as competitive, if “We see it as kind of like a huge in couch dorms, the Housing celebrity birthday celebration. formed Bates Circus Arts Club not more, and promises a hous¬ slumber party every night,” said Office has found a variety of ar¬ This past weekend, Skye Event had no problem gaining en¬ ing challenge for the college The Spudent’s source in the eas on campus where students Center hosted a star studded trance, as she came prepared seeing as proposed new dorms housing office. will be granted areas for their bash for Lewiston’s own Patrick with the tools necessary to per¬ are years away from being con¬ Just like first-year centers in clothes and other belongings. Dempsey. Thankfully, reporters form an act of baton twirling. structed. dorms, the housing office has For students living in Pettengill from The Spudent were on hand Other performed talents have In order to meet the housing divided the “couch dorm” areas Hall, for example, the fabled to cover the season’s most talked included specialized skills such needs of the growing body the into regions and hopes to as¬ “bomb shelter” hallway connect¬ about event. as shot-gunning a beer in under Student Housing and Residence sign students to .couches near ing Pettengill to has “It doesn’t come as a two seconds, answering useless Life office has gotten creative by other people who share similar been cleared out and re-designed shock to me that Lewiston would trivia questions, and slack-lining taking advantage of every part of interests as them. “When I was into a series of individual storage be home to such an illustrious between nearby buildings on Sa- campus. “We tried to think of a first-year I loved living on a areas for students. night club,” commented Kath¬ battus. places that students could sleep hall with a bunch of other first- Even President Spencer has erine Heigl, Dempsey’s former If you’ve heard the rumor and actually realized there are year kids that I got along with generously volunteered her base¬ Grey’s Anatomy colleague and A- that there isn’t a lot happening a ton of places on campus that really well so I am glad that the ment to store the belongings of List star. “Patrick would sing the in the twin cities, you’ve heard students sleep all the time other housing office is taking this into students who will be living in praises of his home city— often wrong. Sky’s the limit at Lew¬ than their dorm rooms,” said a consideration with the couch couch dorms. “I realize this is referring to it as ‘LA.’” iston’s hottest event center, and representative from the housing dorms,” said a rising junior. not a standard college housing Due to Skye’s lack of there is now a lot more than office. “I kind of wish I could have experience, but I think couch provided transportation for club- questionable exchanges and Many first year students who lived in one of the new couch dorms will help add to the com¬ goers, Dempsey’s party guests sketchy drive-by’s happening at are overwhelmed with the new dorms,” said a graduating senior, munity at Bates,” the president were forced to find alternative the door of The Blue Goose. increased work load use their “It sounds like the most epic op¬ said. dorm rooms exclusively for sleep¬ portunity for pillow talk ever!” With a growing student body ing and storing their belongings Returning students can rest and a campus limited in size be¬ anyways so the office added a assured that they will not end cause of the residential Lewiston new question on the housing up living in a couch dorm region community surrounding Bates, questionnaire asking students overwhelmed with first-years, the couch dorm plan for next how much time they realistically however. The housing office has year will serve as a pilot program. expect to spend in their room. reserved all the study lounges for If it works as well as the housing The new housing options are de¬ returning students who are stuck office hopes it will, the college signed for these types of students on summer housing. “I was just administration sees couch dorms who do not spend a lot of time in notified that I get the Environ¬ as a feasible way to make the their rooms. mental Studies lounge with two most of our campus space. Commons mugs to be re¬ placed by Mason jars and protein supplements

jars, for they are “both practical going feud between President I. P. FREELY and stylish.” Spencer and BEAM. “Have you STAFF WRITER The Spudent was sent an ever seen Clayton drinking from It’s every coffee drinkers anonymous tip via Yahoo mes¬ a mug? Well I have not...clearly worst nightmare. The mugs will senger that Christine Schwartz that woman runs on Dunkin’,” no longer be a part of the New of Dining has been secretly plan¬ adds another BEAM activist. Commons Dining experience. ning to replace the mugs with There are economic repercus¬ In an announce email about glass Mason jars for years now. sions to this switch as well, for the Iron Chef Competition this The tip claims that Schwartz saw several students will be out of a past week, Cheryl Lacey, Direc¬ keeping Sushi Night in the bud¬ job. The mug collector position tor of Dining, mentioned in a get as more crucial to the overall is no longer relevant, as students P.S. that the mugs will slowly mission of the dining experience are encouraged to wash their be phased out of Commons this at Bates own jars at water pumps located short term. Instead, Mason jars When BEAM caught wind around campus. “I am sure go¬ will be provided near the vegan of the impending shift, there was ing to miss driving around cam¬ bar. Her message did not go un¬ an uproar in upstairs commons. pus and emptying the mug bins. noticed, as the buzz in the fire¬ A protest has been planned in It’s the only time I could really place lounge was all about the order to restore the College’s sus¬ think about my thesis,” says a se¬ surprising lack of mugs in recent tainable dining reputation. “We nior mug collector, who hopes to weeks. Lacey claims that budget plan to occupy the green room finish his thesis soon without the cuts have forced the dining de¬ until Schwarz acquiesces to our aid of Commons coffee. partment to opt for a cheaper demands,” says a BEAM mem¬ The pain of this loss is being ber. felt all across class years. A fresh¬ Formerly hidden talents, like those of this baton twirler pictured beverage container. After some above, have come out of the woodwork in front of The Blue Goose. This new development is also man girl was heard whining as research on Pintrest, Lacey and PHOTOSHOP/COURTESY PHOTO her cohorts decided on Mason seen as another attack in the on¬ See COMMONS, PAGE 3

lIMi The Bates SPUKENT May 14,2014

Students disguise themselves as varsity athletes

eral suspicious incidents. “Last MAGIC’S JOHNSON StAFF WRITER Saturday I was patrolling the athletic facilities when I saw this After countless occasions on little runt working out while the which they’ve been pushed away football players were lifting. The from athletic venues by incredu¬ kid didn’t even look like he could lous yet steadfast security per¬ bench a Commons tray, so I got m - . sonnel, there are reports that the right in his scrawny, peach fuzz Pepper Flip. A common experience for a fre¬ ^ "v. Intramural athlete population of filled face and said, ‘Son, there’s ' '' ' ' \ ' Bates is fighting for an end to no way you’re on the team.’ But quenter of Commons, an individual makes a chal¬ discrimination against the ath¬ when he replied, ‘Do you even letically challenged. lift bro?’ I knew I was mistaken lenge or bet to another diner. If the challenged The Spudent has received nu¬ and sincerely apologized to him diner accepts, the pepper shaker is flipped. If the merous allegations of students for my misconduct.” Mg®? i- disguising themselves as varsity He also recounted another shaker sticks a complete full rotation, the chal¬ athletes to seamlessly blend into incident involving suspicious m the daily offseason practices and activity on the softball field. “I lenged diner must execute said task. workouts held by Bates varsity figured that no sane kid would teams. A disgruntled, anony¬ willingly play softball unless they mous freshman who proudly were on the varsity, but I had , President: must divest states that he has led this under¬ to make my rounds. I saw this ground movement explained the girl in the outfield during bat¬ from fossil fuel companies strategies he and his unathletic ting practice with a stellar arm cohorts have tried: “We’ve found and amazing instincts, which stores in Lewiston that still have instantly piqued my curiosity.” Keith Tannenbaum, Assistant Dean of Stu¬ a Halloween section open in the After taking a few laps around back and bought those six-packs the softball diamond while on dents: must go an entire school year without you always see on Superman cos¬ the lookout for more odd behav¬ taking a picture at a dance (this means 80’s tumes. One time I even stole my ior, the security member stopped roommate’s XXXL clothing and to watch when he saw the seem¬ AND 90’s, Keith!) stood on top of my 5’ 2” friend ingly athletic girl stride up to the to sneak into Alumni Gym so we plate to hit. “I was actually start¬ could play some pickup hoops ing to buy all of this nonsense Holly Gurney, Associate Dean of Students: without looking noticeably about kids making the heroic shorter than the ‘real’ basketball effort to screw over us good se¬ must shotgun a beer pn a table in Commons players.” curity people by appearing like In a conversation with a varsity athletes. But when I saw at Friday dinner member of Bates Security who this girl take four meager whiffs had recently been alerted to this at the ball before finally fouling trend of illicit amateur competi¬ one off, I knew I was looking at a Kevin McHugh, Director of Athletics: must tion, The Spudent learned that true Bates varsity softball player.” this issue may be more insidious practice and condition with each varsity than originally thought. The se¬ sports team for one week, including intramu¬ curity staff member noted that he hasn’t yet disciplined any ral and club teams students for illegal athletic dis¬ guises, but he’s encountered sev¬ Loring Danforth, Charles A. Dana of Anthropology: must shave his epic mus¬ tache Error in tuition #47; 7", ;'' \ - i-T,'-. Ron, Assistant Director of Security: must change challenge Smith Middle girls to a game of pong college costs are of significant HUGH JAZZ concern to our families, and I as¬ WAFF WRITER sure you that we share that con¬ It is no secret the gradual cern.” She went on to add, “in Increase in price to attend Bates lieu of our recent mistakes cal¬ drop in price remains a mystery, when (if) I graduate,” the fresh¬ All student programming, College has been a heated topic culating the new fee for the next but some information has been man stated as he iooked for a ta¬ in fact, is being supported by for debate over the years. The academic year, we have reworked leaked to The Bates Spudent, ble in commons with his TRAY President Spencer’s hefty growth latest change, per the direction the new tuition price and see an such as the college’s success¬ of food. to the endowment. “Yo, if this of The Bates College Board of actual 80% drop in tuition, from ful investment in tar sands, the Others, however, were wary school don’t have enough mon¬ Trustees, is to set the fee for at¬ $58,898.40 to $11,779.68.” controversial alternate energy re¬ of the drop in tuition, “But, but ey to buy footballs and football tendance for the 2014-15 aca¬ For Bates students and their source, and the planned monthly what will happen to Humans ver¬ equipment, I’m transferring.... demic year at $60,720. However, families, this drastic decrease may bake sale led by Commons. sus Zombies?” explained a soph¬ swag,” explained a clearly dis¬ after some more analytical and come as a surprise, but President When looking for reactions omore girl just before she got gruntled football player. budgeting work, Bates College Spencer assured Bobcat Nation, from the student body, the Spu¬ mauled by a horde of zombies. The Bates Spudent reached released a statement explaining “this drop in price is in fact real dent witnessed a fair share of The allocation of club budgets out to Dean of Students Keith they had made a grave mistake in and we have made the necessary excitement, “I am incredibly has often concerned members Tannenbaum, but he was too their calculations for the new fee. corrections to make sure that excited at the drop in price,” ex¬ of the community but President busy playing with his dog. In an exclusive report to costs will be covered and that no plained a gullible freshman. “It’s Spencer assures students that her The Spudent, President Clayton such error happens again.” good to know I won’t have hun¬ new budget will pay for anything Spencer explained, “I know that The cause to the incredible dreds of thousands worth of debt clubs need.

f*. . The Bates SPWENT May 14,2014

President Spen¬ cer gets onboard with Michelle Obama’s anti¬ obesity campaign

Commons. BARBIE QUEUE An assistant coach cried: CO-MANAGING NEWS EDITOR “Four long years I’ve loved that President Spencer voiced her pizza as a student. I came back to support of Michelle Obamas an¬ Bates to coach two years ago, and ti-obesity campaign, Let’s Move, don’t think that pizza bar wasn’t a this past Monday in Alumni part of my decision to come back gym, and in an effort to spear¬ here.” head the movement on college “Is she calling me fat?” one campuses, announced that by student yelled when approached the beginning of fall semester to offer her viewpoint on the 2014, Bates would remove the situation. pizza bar, desert bar, ice cream We approached a group of bar, and all fried and fatty foods the Bates football team. from the dining hall menu. “I need to eat. A lot. Like She detailed the plan to I already need to eat six times phase out those foods deemed a day with fried food at every “unhealthy.” First to perish in the meal,” one of them said. “How plan will be the pizza bar. The am I supposed to get up to 270, salad bar, now a somewhat sig¬ like Coach wanted, eating kale?” nificant part of Commons, will Another one sighed, “So extend to where the pizza bar much for putting an effort into now stands. The salad bar will, boosting our football program.” Spencer declared, “become the By far the most vehement re¬ center piece of the Commons ex¬ action came from an anonymous perience.” letter to The Spudent. Due to the The desert bar will be the threats and violent animosity second station to hit the axe. In expressed later in the letter, we its place, Spencer hopes to intro¬ have only excerpted this portion: duce a juicing station. Plates of “I live off chocolate. I mean live. kale, carrots, apples, garlic, spin¬ That chocolate chip bin? They refill that at least once a day just play into the rising hipster cul¬ cess to the athletes . Rumour has ach, tomatoes will replace the because of me. They can’t phase COMMONS ture taking over Bates campus,” it extra large drinking glasses will cookies, brownies, cakes, donuts, chocolate out of commons. I says a member of Pierce House. be provided as well, so there will and even the muffins and sweet CONTINUED FROM PAGE 1 wont let them.” And The Ronj thinks this will be no longer be a need to take two breads. While Bates students de¬ great for business. cups for their Powerade. When asked what would she left commons Thursday eve¬ plore the decision and question Additionally, Schwartz The adjustment will be a happen to the stations that only ning, sobbing “But how will I get whether they should transfer, res¬ claimed that the reduced cost of difficult one, reminiscent of the sometimes have unhealthy food, a chaser for Skye tonight!?” taurants across Lewiston rejoice. the jars will allow for the addi¬ Broken Toaster fiasco of 2014. Clayton Spencer said that when Some students are in favor or Denny’s and Dairy Joy, expect to tion of protein supplements in Yet Batesies and Bobcats alike the cycle came up for fried chick¬ the switch. “The mugs are ugly see a growth in their sales in the the spice rack. They will be stra¬ will muddle through and learn en, or general Tso’s or whatever, anyways. The mason jars are far next year. “We expect a 50% in*- tegically placed near front of the to embrace the Mason jar. heaps of kale would be offered more aesthetically pleasing and crease in our sales beginning in dining hall to allow for easy ac¬ instead. “Kale is truly a super food,” September. So long as enough Spencer added, “It’s low calorie, people stay at Bates and don’t it has plenty of antioxidants, it transfer, we should be making has vitamin K, vitamin A, and vi¬ bank,” stated a Denny’s spokes¬ tamin C, it’s an excellent source man. of potassium, and it is great for In concluding her speech, your muscles and heart health. President Spencer stated: “So So yes, we will replace any un¬ Batesies, say sayonara to that healthy food with the super food, Generals Tso’s and Sunday Sun¬ Kale.” dae, and,” she paused, scanning The students in attendance the crowd, “say hello to kale.” to President Spencer’s announce¬ ment remained speechless and How about..NOW? left Alumni gym dazed, ques¬ tioning their decision to choose Bates over Colby because of

BatesRates Den Delivery Viewership on the rise The Student FINALLY becomes #1 news source at Bates!!

Warm weather has arrived!

Despite being close to 's beautiful coastline, student's There is none during Short Term! flock to a local "diamond in the rough:" Range Pond Shocking fitness injury

Student passes out in well-ventilated Merrill Gym

SHAME! Commencement looms for seniors But that means no longer being harrassed by the Senior Gift Comittee

Millenium babies having babies?

Questionable activity reported from the dance floor at Mil¬ lenium dance...condoms found during clean-up!

WRBC brings a band someone has heard of

See back page for details!!!!!

Students come back from abroad and think they’re the sh*t

That was SO junior year. The Bates SPiWENT May 14,2014

Starting 2014-15 academic year: “Shorter Term” because who doesn't love academic exploration? tured over fifty angry students. CARLOS DANGER m#oo AT&T *9 4:59 PM -f i 79% » However, not all of the reactions Tuesday STAFF WRITER have been negative. A represen¬ OLD PORT Cancel tative from the Sunshine Society Citing the lack of academ¬ was seen optimistically skipping 8 & 9 pm bus ic rigor associated with Short around commons singing to Term, President Clayton Spen¬ President Spencer herself; “I can’t wait for Shorter Wednesday cer announced on Monday the @PrezzySpence Term!” An eager first-year stu¬ creation of a fourth academic se¬ dent who wished to remain SENIOR mester to be known as “Shorter You want to save Short Term? I anonymous told The Student: “I term . am SO excited for the opportu¬ SOIREE “Shorter Term will be a man¬ agree!!! Here we gooooo SHORTER nity to expand my Bates educa¬ datory, rigorous two weeks of 10 pm - 2 am TERM!!! #Bates #saveshorterterm tion into Shorter Term! I LOVE academic focus during which my GECs and I love Bates, so Old Commons students complete a final GEC #yay #school #knowiedge two more weeks spent in a class¬ course,” explained President room in the basement of PGill is Spencer during Mondays press like a dream come true for me!” Thursday conference. “The universal sup¬ Student organizations have port for the GEC program already begun planning events STUDENT/ prompted us to expand the re¬ for the two weeks of Shorter FACULTY quirement to this mandatory two Term. The Chase Hall Commit¬ weeks of academic immersion.” tee is planning on hosting an an¬ RECEPTION Specific details of Shorter nual “Actually the Last Chance Term are still unknown, but this Dance”, the Men’s club rugby ;du~ i pm is what we know so far. Shorter team will host a full contact stu¬ Gray Cage Term will be two weeks long, 9 © Q dent versus faculty charity game, starting the Monday after se¬ and WRBC will bring in some LAST CHANCE nior graduation. Classes will be of the biggest names in classical held seven days a week for 10 music for a “Bach Party” in the DANCE hours per day. The semester will QWE R T Y U I O^P Library Arcade. be a mandatory requirement to Since Shorter Term will take 10 pm - 2 am complete each GEC; therefore, place during the weeks after students must complete one graduation, underclassmen will Library Arcade Shorter Term for each of their ASDFGHJKL be allowed to move into rooms GECs. Due to the large num¬ S.r_< , , . T t r r ,-v ^ r-«■ 'w.,...—.--' v ■ in the Village and other senior Friday ber of hours required for each housing on a first-come-first- Shorter Term class, tuition will serve basis. Additionally, Range CHAMPAGNE be the same as that of a regular ♦ ZXCVBNM