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The Bates Spudent - Volume 142 Number 18 - May 15, 2013

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The Bates Spudent - Volume 142 Number 18 - May 15, 2013 Bates College SCARAB The Bates Student Archives and Special Collections 5-15-2013 The Bates Spudent - volume 142 number 18 - May 15, 2013 Bates College Follow this and additional works at: https://scarab.bates.edu/bates_student The Bates THE SUBCONSCIOUS VOICE OF BATES KOLLEGE SINCE 1869 WEDNESDAY MAY 15, 2013 Vol. 142, Issue. 18 Lewiston, Maine Spencer: Spent Cites stupid majors ofAnthro, ACS, Psych, Art History, AA, Economics, History, Music, Art When I got closer, I realized they were HOLLIN THEWALL smoking weed and debating the politi¬ ASSISTANT NEWS EDITOR cally correct term for ‘voodoo magic’. Keep in mind you could buy your fam¬ College President Clayton Spencer ily a house with four years’ tuition to announced Monday she will be step¬ this school.” ping down from her office, citing her Spencer was particularly dumb¬ revelations about the uselessness of a founded when a biology class was, on Liberal Arts education. She convened the spur of the moment, taught outside a press conference in the basement of on the quad simply because it was a WRBC to deliver the news live to the nice day. “I actually had a teacher who millions of listeners of 91.5 FM. used this same technique. It was great Listeners were shocked as Spencer, weather so we took a nice walk out and who took office just eight months ago, learned our whole lesson, which was gave a stunning indictment of bedrock great. Then we went back to the class¬ educational principles held sacred by room and made crayon drawings of go¬ the College. Spencer needed to clarify rillas because I was 5 years old and in her 180-degree reversal, since she pub¬ Kindergarten.” licly endorsed the College’s curriculum Many students who attended the just recently at her inauguration. event were un-phased by the cruel barbs “It took me about four days on the Spencer directed at the College. “Eve job to realize all that stuff I said was had a great education. Sure, a few bad complete bullshit,” said Spencer. “Lib¬ apples go overboard with the partying. eral arts? Exchange of ideas? Free expres¬ But most of us enjoy a balanced lifestyle A breed apart: Charlies angel sion? Great books? Lord knows what I and are generally as happy as kids any¬ was saying. Actually, I don’t think even where else. I actually have a job lined He could understand that verbal diar¬ up at an education non-for-profit,” said rhea.” Lena Smitt T3, who happened to tune indicted on dogfighting Spencer’s disillusionment with the into the press conference. College began when she observed that “DOOD I have been drinking lit¬ principles in the mission statement nebaum to acclimate the young pup gigs, at an undisclosed location in Lew¬ erally since 9 AM. Is this Roopers? We MARSHALL D. ELK translated poorly into the daily lives of to screaming people, which the dog iston. Sources have speculated that the need three more-HIC-kegs if we’re gon¬ MANAGING NEWS EDITOR students and faculty. would encounter in its fighting career, bomb shelter and the passageway be¬ na drink three kegs by dinner,” said Ned “Look, if I wanted to run a summer said Director of College Safety and Se¬ tween Lane Hall and Pettengill served Barry 75, another listener. “You wanna Faculty and administrators know camp, I’d shove two pinecones up my curity, former Head of the Federal Bu¬ as the network’s arena. go to Wild Wings?” fur-deprived students go ga-ga for butt and hitchhike to New Hampshire,” reau of Investigation’s Worldwide Anti¬ Jer Coons was known to have a Faculty and administrators were four-legged visitors roaming Petten- Spencer said. “We need discipline. We terror Counter-terror Kommando unit particularly fierce brood. Noah Hoehn surprised, but mostly by the fact that gill offices and sniffing their way down need hard work. Students should be (WACK) Tom Carey 73. this was occurring before, and not dur¬ Alumni Walk. The Dean of Students of¬ trained ferocious pit bulls who were re¬ studying to meet clear career goals and “Everything Charlie experienced at ing or after, the official senior week. fice, spearheaded by Assistant Dean of warded with treats from the vegan bar if they have any free time, maybe an i- Bates was direct training for the high after wins, according to ASS prosecutor “I have been down in the trenches, Students Keith Tannenbaum, has even banking internship on the side.” stress and decibel levels characteristic of taking pictures in the front row at these sponsored “puppy love” petting sessions Bruce. Rose Cousins, who only breeds Spencer admitted that though no¬ K9 street fights,” Carey said. cousins of one specific pomeranian line, concerts. I have laid eyes on things that to relieve students’ stress during exam ble, the liberal arts ideals give students Tannenbaum was the leader of this no man my age should see, unspeak¬ week. was a frequent participant as was Eliza¬ too much leeway to socialize and pon¬ intricate dog-fighting network, rivaling beth and the Catapult, who actually able things that will haunt me forever. But every dog has his day. Tannen¬ der radical ideas. “Do you know what a Michael Vick’s in brutality, but he did launched her Lhasa Apso in a catapult It only gets worse during senior week,” baum has been indicted in Androscog¬ ‘DARTY’ is? I didn’t even know that ex¬ not act alone. Several New England mu¬ to land on other competitors. said student activities coordinator Keith gin County Court on 10 charges of dog isted before I came here,” Spencer said. sicians are being investigated for embez¬ Tannenbuam, with the obsequious Tannenbaum. “Spencer ain’t seen noth- fighting and five charges of animal cru¬ “The other day, I thought I saw some • » zlement charges in connection to their mg. elty. (and in this case, blind) loyalty of his kids having a book club on the quad. The charges, which were released ties to kingpin Tannenbaum, the ASS CHC minions, would invite perform¬ this week by Jerry Bruce of the An¬ prosecutor reported last week. ers to return to the college if a rematch droscoggin Secret Service (ASS), have Ever wonder why the Village Club was required, thereby explaining the rocked the close-knit community. Series always brought back the same mysterious nature of having the same Tannenbaum made a splash this handful of artists each year? It turns out, performers year in, year out. year by adopting a golden retriever pup¬ just like Charlie, they were a front. Tan¬ Investigators have concluded that py, seemingly sprung from the pages of nenbaum, through his murky position performers’ concert fees were inflated an L.L. Bean catalog, filling a void for as the exclusive college entertainment to cover the cost of preparing their own the throngs of White Anglo-Saxon Prot¬ booker, would arrange for “performers” dogs. estants (WASPS) missing their labs and to travel to Bates to fight Tannenbaum’s There’s no indication other Bates goldendoodles back in the Bay State. dogs. faculty or staff were involved, and as far Tannenbaum regularly brings Char¬ Every Thursday night, these per¬ as we can tell, Charlie was unharmed lie to his office and even taught him formers would strum their guitars and and probably oblivious to the fate of how to skateboard down Alumni Walk, bat their eyes at the chai-sipping ladies, his canine compatriots. Tannenbaum finally scoring points with the WRBC all the while, their fighter dogs were has been placed on unpaid leave by the hipsters cruising their way onto campus caged in their “tour vans” parked behind College pending the conclusion of an from Oak and Elm. the Village residences. internal investigation led by Professor But Charlies presence on campus The fights, The Spudent has learned, Dennis Grafflin. President Clayton Spencer resigns live on-air, hosted by sopho¬ would occur Thursday nights after the was in fact a calculated effort by Tan- more DJs Jerry and Jerri, hollin thewall/courtesy photo Former president returns to reclaim t-shirt construction crews uncovered a forgot¬ MARSHALL D. ELK ten item of clothing. Hansen was con¬ MANAGING NEWS EDITOR tacted about the article of clothing, a promotional “Bates smokes Camels” t- Amidst a sluggish endowment, for¬ shirt, and asked the College to Fed-Ex mer Bates President Elaine Tuttle Han¬ the shirt to her new prep school - think sen left campus two years ago, lured by tank - policy center - research center-ish the industrial blight of inner-city Bal¬ place. timore. But this commencement, she’s However, Vice President of Finance coming back to Lewiston, and once Doug Ginevan informed her that as a again, she’ll be on the Coram stage. result of continued weakness in the col¬ Hansen’s surprising departure — lege endowment, the school would not having served only seven years — broke be able to afford the $65 mailing cost. the tradition of previous presidents and She’d have to come get it, he said. set the precedent for Pope Benedict’s It’s customary for the honorary de¬ decision to leave his post before death. gree recipients to dine at the president’s Hansen instituted the policy of home with select faculty and staff the having three commencement speakers, night before graduation. Hansen hopes which President Clayton Spencer has to use this invitation into her old abode since altered: only one of the three hon¬ to locate her shirt and maybe do a little orary degree recipients will actually ad¬ exploring. dress the crowd. (Rumors abound that “I’m not sure I’ll like Clayton’s Dining Services rallied for Stonyfield taste,” said the Chaucer scholar.
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