Bates College SCARAB

The Bates Student Archives and Special Collections

5-15-2013

The Bates Spudent - volume 142 number 18 - May 15, 2013

Bates College

Follow this and additional works at: https://scarab.bates.edu/bates_student The Bates THE SUBCONSCIOUS VOICE OF BATES KOLLEGE SINCE 1869

WEDNESDAY MAY 15, 2013 Vol. 142, Issue. 18 Lewiston, Spencer: Spent Cites stupid majors ofAnthro, ACS, Psych, Art History, AA, Economics, History, Music, Art When I got closer, I realized they were HOLLIN THEWALL smoking weed and debating the politi¬ ASSISTANT NEWS EDITOR cally correct term for ‘voodoo magic’. Keep in mind you could buy your fam¬ College President ily a house with four years’ tuition to announced Monday she will be step¬ this school.” ping down from her office, citing her Spencer was particularly dumb¬ revelations about the uselessness of a founded when a biology class was, on Liberal Arts education. She convened the spur of the moment, taught outside a press conference in the basement of on the quad simply because it was a WRBC to deliver the news live to the nice day. “I actually had a teacher who millions of listeners of 91.5 FM. used this same technique. It was great Listeners were shocked as Spencer, weather so we took a nice walk out and who took office just eight months ago, learned our whole lesson, which was gave a stunning indictment of bedrock great. Then we went back to the class¬ educational principles held sacred by room and made crayon drawings of go¬ the College. Spencer needed to clarify rillas because I was 5 years old and in her 180-degree reversal, since she pub¬ Kindergarten.” licly endorsed the College’s curriculum Many students who attended the just recently at her inauguration. event were un-phased by the cruel barbs “It took me about four days on the Spencer directed at the College. “Eve job to realize all that stuff I said was had a great education. Sure, a few bad complete bullshit,” said Spencer. “Lib¬ apples go overboard with the partying. eral arts? Exchange of ideas? Free expres¬ But most of us enjoy a balanced lifestyle A breed apart: Charlies angel sion? Great books? Lord knows what I and are generally as happy as kids any¬ was saying. Actually, I don’t think even where else. I actually have a job lined He could understand that verbal diar¬ up at an education non-for-profit,” said rhea.” Lena Smitt T3, who happened to tune indicted on dogfighting Spencer’s disillusionment with the into the press conference. College began when she observed that “DOOD I have been drinking lit¬ principles in the mission statement nebaum to acclimate the young pup gigs, at an undisclosed location in Lew¬ erally since 9 AM. Is this Roopers? We MARSHALL D. ELK translated poorly into the daily lives of to screaming people, which the dog iston. Sources have speculated that the need three more-HIC-kegs if we’re gon¬ MANAGING NEWS EDITOR students and faculty. would encounter in its fighting career, bomb shelter and the passageway be¬ na drink three kegs by dinner,” said Ned “Look, if I wanted to run a summer said Director of College Safety and Se¬ tween and Pettengill served Barry 75, another listener. “You wanna Faculty and administrators know camp, I’d shove two pinecones up my curity, former Head of the Federal Bu¬ as the network’s arena. go to Wild Wings?” fur-deprived students go ga-ga for butt and hitchhike to New Hampshire,” reau of Investigation’s Worldwide Anti¬ Jer Coons was known to have a Faculty and administrators were four-legged visitors roaming Petten- Spencer said. “We need discipline. We terror Counter-terror Kommando unit particularly fierce brood. Noah Hoehn surprised, but mostly by the fact that gill offices and sniffing their way down need hard work. Students should be (WACK) Tom Carey 73. this was occurring before, and not dur¬ Alumni Walk. The Dean of Students of¬ trained ferocious pit bulls who were re¬ studying to meet clear career goals and “Everything Charlie experienced at ing or after, the official senior week. fice, spearheaded by Assistant Dean of warded with treats from the vegan bar if they have any free time, maybe an i- Bates was direct training for the high after wins, according to ASS prosecutor “I have been down in the trenches, Students Keith Tannenbaum, has even banking internship on the side.” stress and decibel levels characteristic of taking pictures in the front row at these sponsored “puppy love” petting sessions Bruce. Rose Cousins, who only breeds Spencer admitted that though no¬ K9 street fights,” Carey said. cousins of one specific pomeranian line, concerts. I have laid eyes on things that to relieve students’ stress during exam ble, the liberal arts ideals give students Tannenbaum was the leader of this no man my age should see, unspeak¬ week. was a frequent participant as was Eliza¬ too much leeway to socialize and pon¬ intricate dog-fighting network, rivaling beth and the Catapult, who actually able things that will haunt me forever. But every dog has his day. Tannen¬ der radical ideas. “Do you know what a Michael Vick’s in brutality, but he did launched her Lhasa Apso in a catapult It only gets worse during senior week,” baum has been indicted in Androscog¬ ‘DARTY’ is? I didn’t even know that ex¬ not act alone. Several New England mu¬ to land on other competitors. said student activities coordinator Keith gin County Court on 10 charges of dog isted before I came here,” Spencer said. sicians are being investigated for embez¬ Tannenbuam, with the obsequious Tannenbaum. “Spencer ain’t seen noth- fighting and five charges of animal cru¬ “The other day, I thought I saw some • » zlement charges in connection to their mg. elty. (and in this case, blind) loyalty of his kids having a book club on the quad. The charges, which were released ties to kingpin Tannenbaum, the ASS CHC minions, would invite perform¬ this week by Jerry Bruce of the An¬ prosecutor reported last week. ers to return to the college if a rematch droscoggin Secret Service (ASS), have Ever wonder why the Village Club was required, thereby explaining the rocked the close-knit community. Series always brought back the same mysterious nature of having the same Tannenbaum made a splash this handful of artists each year? It turns out, performers year in, year out. year by adopting a golden retriever pup¬ just like Charlie, they were a front. Tan¬ Investigators have concluded that py, seemingly sprung from the pages of nenbaum, through his murky position performers’ concert fees were inflated an L.L. Bean catalog, filling a void for as the exclusive college entertainment to cover the cost of preparing their own the throngs of White Anglo-Saxon Prot¬ booker, would arrange for “performers” dogs. estants (WASPS) missing their labs and to travel to Bates to fight Tannenbaum’s There’s no indication other Bates goldendoodles back in the Bay State. dogs. faculty or staff were involved, and as far Tannenbaum regularly brings Char¬ Every Thursday night, these per¬ as we can tell, Charlie was unharmed lie to his office and even taught him formers would strum their guitars and and probably oblivious to the fate of how to skateboard down Alumni Walk, bat their eyes at the chai-sipping ladies, his canine compatriots. Tannenbaum finally scoring points with the WRBC all the while, their fighter dogs were has been placed on unpaid leave by the hipsters cruising their way onto campus caged in their “tour vans” parked behind College pending the conclusion of an from Oak and Elm. the Village residences. internal investigation led by But Charlies presence on campus The fights, The Spudent has learned, Dennis Grafflin. President Clayton Spencer resigns live on-air, hosted by sopho¬ would occur Thursday nights after the was in fact a calculated effort by Tan- more DJs Jerry and Jerri, hollin thewall/courtesy photo Former president returns to reclaim t-shirt

construction crews uncovered a forgot¬ MARSHALL D. ELK ten item of clothing. Hansen was con¬ MANAGING NEWS EDITOR tacted about the article of clothing, a promotional “Bates smokes Camels” t- Amidst a sluggish endowment, for¬ shirt, and asked the College to Fed-Ex mer Bates President Elaine Tuttle Han¬ the shirt to her new prep school - think sen left campus two years ago, lured by tank - policy center - research center-ish the industrial blight of inner-city Bal¬ place. timore. But this commencement, she’s However, Vice President of Finance coming back to Lewiston, and once Doug Ginevan informed her that as a again, she’ll be on the Coram stage. result of continued weakness in the col¬ Hansen’s surprising departure — lege endowment, the school would not having served only seven years — broke be able to afford the $65 mailing cost. the tradition of previous presidents and She’d have to come get it, he said. set the precedent for Pope Benedict’s It’s customary for the honorary de¬ decision to leave his post before death. gree recipients to dine at the president’s Hansen instituted the policy of home with select faculty and staff the having three commencement speakers, night before graduation. Hansen hopes which President Clayton Spencer has to use this invitation into her old abode since altered: only one of the three hon¬ to locate her shirt and maybe do a little orary degree recipients will actually ad¬ exploring. dress the crowd. (Rumors abound that “I’m not sure I’ll like Clayton’s Dining Services rallied for Stonyfield taste,” said the Chaucer scholar. “If the Chairman Gary Hirshberg as a kickback interior was good enough for me, I’m for continued discounted Stonyfield yo¬ not sure why she had to redo it,” she gurt). said. “And they said I was bad at manag¬ Hansen will not be speaking dur¬ ing the College’s money!” ing the 2013 commencement ceremo¬ Hansen doesn’t feel out of place re¬ nies because the reason for her return turning to watch the former Harvard- is more personal in nature. The former executive hand out diplomas. As Hansen president will be on campus to pick up points out, she presided over the college an article of clothing that she forgot in for two years of the class of 2013’s time her haste to pack up. at Bates and may even remember some Hansen’s former residence at 69 of their faces in the mad-dash for lobster College Street underwent extensive rolls at the post-commencement recep¬ I need my t-shirt A$AP ROCKY,” said, phyllis graber jensen/courtesy photo renovations for Spencer, after which tion. May 15,2013 $pUd3n + Bates iron chef winner Bates’ endowment actually feeds human flesh to judges

“We see this every once in a while,” said $216 billion HANNIBAL LECTER LPD Police Chief Robert Hopkins, STAFF WRITER there were so many people cheering for Beyond campus, Bates will use its “Bates seems to attract disturbed minds I.P. FREELY us in the streets of New York last year.” newfound cash to get involved in the like this. Luckily we caught this one.” STAFF WRITER In a dramatic turn of events, it The administration has some fis¬ political rat race for the 2016 election. Whether this is Fish’s first victim or cally responsible plans for the newfound “We’re covering all our bases, Citizens was revealed today that the winner of It turns out that all the fuss over the last in a long line is unknown at this windfall. “We gonna make it rain,” said United allows Bates’ endowment to the Bates Iron Chef competition had Bates’ miniscule endowment was all for point. When approached for comment accounting director Natalie William¬ bankroll candidates for every party,” served human flesh to judges. His dish, naught. As revealed in the Bates Daily Fish had this to say, “I had to wow the son. said Williamson. a delightful rendition of a Bates classic, on Tuesday, the letter ‘b’ was accidental¬ judges, and I thought all of the other Ideas include ice sculptures and Harward Center Director and ‘Texican mac and cheese’ wowed judges ly replaced by the letter ‘m’, and Bates is ‘appropriate’ meats were a little too lobster mac n’ cheese at every meal. “I Maine politician Peggy Rotundo is the with its subtle flavors and wonderful now the richest educational institution mainstream. This is the other, other can’t wait to stuff my face while wearing Bobcat nominee for the Democratic textures. in the world. white meat. It’s the final frontier of my college-provided Burberry polo,” re¬ nomination. It has yet to be confirmed, Albert Fish, a junior at Bates study¬ With an endowment that now Commons meals. And can we really say marked Mike Hunt T4. but early reports indicate that pot-stir¬ ing American Cultural Studies, report¬ outpaces Harvard by over $180 bil¬ with certainty that they aren’t already In order to stack up against NES- rer Matt Furlow will use Bates’ money edly added portions of human tongue lion; Bates is now richer than all but serving human in Commons? Some of CAC rival Middlebury, Bates will pro¬ to run as the Republican nominee and and loin, the most succulent and deli¬ 45 countries, sliding in just behind the those dishes are pretty suspect.” vide an infusion of cash to make Mount Professor Bill Corlett will represent the cious of all meats. “His preparation was Czech Republic and ahead of Pakistan. No matter the motive, Bates stu¬ David one of the premier ski destina¬ Communists. flawless, and the presentation was admi¬ The error was traced all the way back to dents are shocked to hear about this can¬ tions east of the Mississippi. A sophisti¬ “None of our candidates stand for rable,” indicated one of the judges, who 1855, when a totally-not-racist South nibalism in their backyards. Commons cated snow gun system will ensure that anything, they are merely puppets for gave him high marks in all categories. Carolinian accountant who would nev¬ attendance is reportedly down nearly Mount David will stay open all year our nationwide platform of omelet days Although the source of the human er judge a college for deciding to be co¬ 25%, although Christine Schwartz, while 280 will be transformed from a twice a week and daily panels to discuss flesh is as yet unknown, the Lewiston educational chose to move the decimal Director of Dining Services, is quick to dorm for annoying Connecticut first- everyone’s feelings,” said Williamson. Police Department are following all three places to the right. point out that this is an isolated inci¬ years into a hotel for annoying New Most importantly, the humongous leads, but the sheer number of mis¬ Goldman Sachs, who currently dent, and that Commons hasn’t served Jersey families. endowment allows the school to stop creants, vagrants, and drifters in the manages Bates’ endowment, apologized human flesh to students for “at least a No longer will Batesies have to annoying everyone’s parents with Bates Lewiston-Auburn area, particularly on for the longstanding mix-up. “Oops,” decade.” wait for a foot of powder to descend on Fund phone calls once a week. College Street, makes identification or said endowment manager Mortimer Lewiston to do naked backflips off their However, there will be no decrease discovery of the victim highly unlikely. Koch. snowboards. “I’m hella stoked, no more in tuition. Bates will continue to see its “An institution like Goldman Sachs five-minute rides to Lost Valley,” said cost climb over the $60,000 mark in the would never attempt to defraud individ¬ Outingclubber Tim Johnson-Smith. near future. “I mean, why would the uals of their hard-earned money,” said It remains to be seen whether endowment go towards things like bet¬ Clayton Spencer Koch. “Engaging in practices to cheat BEAM will hold a candlelight vigil for ter , decreased student costs, the 99% out of their wealth so a small the displaced Mount David squirrels and more treadmills when we can give group of people can profit is something who currently subsist off of cigarette our assistant softball coach a Bentley?” that we, or any other fine Wall Street calls for unhealthy butts and unwanted PBR pounders. said Williamson. institution, think is wrong. That’s why gambling instead of unhealthy drinking

activity the class would like to put to¬ JOHAN VAN DER SMUT gether to replace Throwback Night.” STAFF WRITER The event promises to be a worthy replacement to the fabled Throwback In a recent email sent to the se¬ Night. Citing what are clearly rumors, nior class, President Clayton Spencer, President Spencer says that “Casino coming hot off her first year at Bates Night” will, “Apparendy...involve ca¬ College, advocated against the annual sino games, music and dancing, great “Throwback Night” writing, “It is irre¬ food and a fantastic selection of beer sponsible for us as a college to condone and wine.” A senior, Clarice Starling, a senior-week event that disrupts under¬ said of the lineup of events, “It sounds classman in their own rooms.” just like my senior prom where the Instead of continuing the unhealthy theme was ‘Las Vegas,’ so I’m excited to acts of binge drinking, which have been see if this event can replicate the awk¬ so popular at Bates in the past, President wardness, underage drunkenness, and Spencer has decided to replace it with sexual frustration from four years ago.” another unhealthy habit: gambling. Whatever the events may be, faculty “I thought gambling addictions and staff are doing their best to replicate were more in keeping with the elite lib¬ the casino feel. The Gray Cage, being eral arts tradition that I love so much,” already depressing and outdated, needs President Spencer said in a recent inter¬ only minor dressings, reports Christine view. “It’s higher class. Anyone can blow Schwartz, Director of Dining Services. a paycheck on a few bottles of Orloff, To achieve the feeling of a Vegas casino but it takes a Bates student to blow cigarette smoke will be piped in to cre¬ his or her trust fund on a few hands of ate a fog, and the College will be bring¬ blackjack.” ing in overweight and sweaty tourists to The rationale for the switch comes fill in the space left by all of the seniors from the ominous sounding, “Throw¬ who don’t attend. back Night of 2010,” in which a pretty As far as alcohol is concerned, good party outside of Smith Hall was Schwartz seems unconcerned. “With broken up by a few overzealous police each student getting two drink tickets officers. Speaking about the event, se¬ to use on several varieties of Franzia, nior Will Graham said that, “A number and a fine selection of Walmart’s cheap¬ of students were sharing a few brews est beers, the student body should be and spirits in commemoration of the very happy, and definitely not nearly end of the year, when police officers drunk enough to do anything to dam¬ suddenly rolled up and start infringing age the College’s reputation—again.” on our constitutional right to provide “I really think I’m doing the stu¬ alcohol to minors.” dents a favor by introducing them to Students continue to lament the the world of crippling gambling addic¬ loss of throwback night, with another tions,” Spencer added, “It’s a far more senior, Jack Crawford, saying that he fitting addiction than excessive liba¬ White, male freshman from will miss, “Getting drunk with a bunch tions. After all, many of the banks that of faceless freshmen, trying to get to students are trying to work for do this know them, and then never seeing them sort of gambling for a profit!” again. It was a really personal event.” just outside of Boston finally Meanwhile, the seniors who have However, there is nothing to be been actively trying to clandestinely done, as President Spencer has handed plan Throwback Night activities even down the executive order, unilaterally under the watchful eye of the office putting the kybosh on the once-popular meets another white male of the President are keeping their eyes senior activity, and continuing the Bates out for any way to replicate that fateful tradition of throwing money at prob¬ night of 2010. After all, we were those lems by, “Offerjing] to pay for whatever freshmen four years ago. from just outside of Boston gg m -, gg| m gg§gsggi m gmgn gg m gg msm gsgagg

jury in his senior year in prep school, side of Boston. The two belonged to ASH KETCHUM he soon realized that his dreams of play¬ the same country club, played lacrosse MANAGING NEWS EDITOR ing D1 lacrosse were futile. He then at prep schools, and were presidents of decided to apply to Bates, planning to the Young Republicans in high school. Edward Wellington IV, class of follow his father’s footsteps and major And after the two freshmen made their 2016, couldn’t help but feel a sense of in economics. friendship Facebook official, they soon isolation as the final weeks of Short Last Saturday at a party in Parker learned that they had several mutual Term approached and he had yet to Hall, Wellington IV finally got his wish friends from back home. meet another white male from just when he finally met fellow freshman “What are the odds that two white outside of Boston. Born and raised in Oliver Gardner who is from the town males would have so much in com¬ Weston, Massachusetts, a town only 25 of Wellesley, located 30 minutes from mon?” said Gardner the following day minutes from Boston, Wellington IV Boston. in an exclusive interview with The Stu¬ confessed that it was weird being so far “I was just talking to a friend when dent. He continued, “I’m still in shock from “the city”. I saw the unmistakable salmon-pink that I met anybody else from Massachu¬ “Honestly, man, I just really miss color of Vineyard Vines shorts across setts. But two white males with so much being able to root for the Red Sox or the room,” Wellington IV recalls. “It in common? It’s basically unheard of at Patriots and not feeling like the only had been so long since I’d seen shorts a small liberal arts school.” fan around,” he admitted. “I’ve met so like those, and so I knew that I had to It has yet to be confirmed, but early many West Coasters, but I really feel go introduce myself.” reports indicate Gardner and Welling¬ like Bates could use more kids from Gardner and Wellington IV in¬ ton IV plan to rent out Bardwell House Massachusetts.” stantly clicked and soon found that their senior year. Lewiston Police were Wellington IV came to Bates from they had a lot more in common besides seen shaking their fists in frustration. Phillips Andover Academy where he both being white males from just out¬ played varsity lacrosse. But after an in¬ The Bates Student May 15,2013 $pUd3n+ mam m s m urn, The top five college degrees that lead to high-paying, rewarding jobs

a rare few as Robin Stinson - but who day for men in college - most of them dissecting Ernest Hemingway, you can’t Environmental Sciences PHAMLET changes their last name anymore in the were too focused on staring at blank, help but utter a small sigh of lust. The THE VANCOUVER CANUCK age of third-wave feminism?), who re¬ white sheets of paper that they were try¬ mind is such a powerful organ. The My tree-hugging friends, how cently married Barney Stinson ‘09, en¬ ing to fill with words, expressions, and English department boasts an eclectic society loves you so. By now, we would The long-awaited 2013 Bates Spu- joys a can of Molson-Canadian during thoughts. My slate was already filled array of students who know how to crit¬ have expected that coal would be eradi¬ dent’s list of the most coveted college the summertime, “There’s nothing quite with more than enough words, expres¬ ically think and write. Did anyone tell cated as a form of energy when Mac- degrees is finally here. This year, our sea¬ like the refreshing taste of Canadian sions, and thoughts. I wonder if many you, “Those who know how to write po¬ books and Google power this campus. soned data analytics team has plugged spirits,” Scherbatsky ‘13 shares. of them were successful at writing an etry, can also write you sweet nothings?” Preach anti-plastic water bottles on the in algorithms and factored in availabil¬ As for some words of advice to intriguing read. Open books are rare to English majors have gone off to do an weekday and put on your Forever 21 ity of jobs, seven-figure salaries, self-ful¬ college-aged women in regards to her find these days.” impressive repertoire of accomplish¬ skirt and Ralph Lauren polo on during fillment, community engagement, and marriage to Stinson, “Find a husband Top five list: ments including directing independent the weekend. Consumption is a wicked employee satisfaction into the rankings. on campus before you graduate. Men films that have gone off to the Sundance beast, but so is the temptation of cheap Liberal arts colleges are often seen have a broader time frame in which to Sociology Festival and becoming successful busi¬ labor or cheap products. It is wonderful as a privilege for the wealthy and elite build a home and a family. Women, ness negotiators. “The Great Gatsby,” that we are all learning to reuse, recycle, (that McKinsey consulting job will on the other hand, have a “shelf life.” You see these dazzling humans around taught many the allure and power that and love Mother Earth. For many in the most definitely look fondly upon Clas¬ From a sheer numbers perspective, the campus. With dashingly good looks, an comes along with business and money. world, this is already done out of neces¬ sical & Medieval studies, and the stu¬ odds will never be as good to be sur¬ uncanny ability to look you dead in the sity and poverty. Many ES majors end dents on financial aid often major in Art rounded by all of these extraordinary eye and question your privilege, those East Asian Studies up with successful careers lobbying on History), but our rankings will debunk and extremely unique men who enjoy sharp-witted sociology charmers top the Capitol Hill, completing revolutionary this outdated myth. Today, the average coral-colored shorts, repeated patterns list. Not only can they quote Durkheim Oh, the beautiful gem of Asia. Well, we research, or as consultants for the sus¬ liberal arts student will come out pre¬ of a smiling orca whale on their shorts, in their sleep, you can’t watch a film all know that the US is not about to go tainability division of companies such pared to critically synthesize ideas, write Sperry boat-shoes and standard khaki without them interjecting and saying, to war with China anytime soon. Not as P&G. poetic papers on the profound musings pants. They know how to take a woman “That’s privilege. That’s race. That’s gen¬ only are we in debt to the Communist of Sylvia Plath, find accounting a breeze out on a date, how to appreciate fine der. That’s the intersections between all powerhouse (Will the iron curtain be¬ French due to that fabulous Short Term that wine, and to have thought-provoking three. I can’t believe that we are watch¬ come the silk curtain?), but our trading they took as a sophomore, and spew¬ conversation on the weekends. I appre¬ ing this movie. Why are we watching streams are too dependent on the pe¬ Voulez-vous couchez avec moi? ing out ten-page essays and detailed lab ciate how Barney suits up for me. Susan this movie? Why are we funneling mon¬ tite fingers that sew our $200 Vineyard Have you met Professeur Fourgous? reports will be as easy as eating a piece Patton, the Princeton mom, really knew ey back into this corrupt system?” Many Vines tote bags. It comes as a surprise An excellent French teacher from the of red velvet cake. Socially, liberal arts what she was talking about when she sociology majors go off to do fabulous to many Americans that not everyone suburbs of Elancourt, Professeur Four¬ foster the emancipation of the mind, told us college girls to get married right things in this world ranging from saving Asian is Chinese. East Asian Studies gous is highly-trained in his discipline. which in turn helps to emancipate the away,” said Scherbatsky ‘13. the universe to owning multi-million looks into the history of several coun¬ French majors are often multi-talented, body every now and then with a can of Other students disagree with Scher¬ dollar that do good in the tries such as Vietnam and Cambodia. possessing skill sets in a multiplicity of Arthur Palmer and the fantastic Amer¬ batsky’s stance on marriage. Rukia Dun- world. Four for you Glen Coco! These majors often integrate very suc¬ fields. They go off to become project ican-made beverage, otherwise known key ‘13, from Harlem, New York, is cessfully into Asian culture due to their managers, doctors, , and the list as Bud Light. College students are of¬ heading to Columbia School next English understandings of the complex nature goes on. FINI. ten fond of these American novelties, year, “Many people try to kill my self¬ and differences in Asian society. Some but the few international students on esteem by saying that I am here not nec¬ Oh, those English majors. When highlights include billionaire manufac¬ Don’t worry about the job market. campus do not share this deep apprecia¬ essarily because of my own actions, but you see them in the quad holding Vir¬ turers of NASA technology and the cur¬ The forecast looks great for us. After all, tion for the Bud Light brewery. Robin I am affirmative that I got here on my ginia Woolf’s “To The Lighthouse,” or rent CEO of Forever 22. never underestimate the power of being Scherbatsky ‘13 (otherwise known by own terms. Plus, I never had the time of sitting on the steps of a Bobcat. Rawr. Bates varsity sports placed on probation

SKIP BAYLESS STAFF WRITER

Nearly four years after Bates almost lost every varsity sport on campus; the athletic advisory committee has decid¬ ed to place every single varsity sport at Bates on probation, length to be deter¬ mined. The committee released a state¬ ment saying, “Our varsity athletes met and determined they needed to outdo Bowdoin in light of their recent hazing scandal.” The statement ended by say¬ ing, “We will not release what occurred, but every team met and everyone par¬ ticipated in hazing.” In early April, the men’s tennis team was sanctioned for hazing and had to forfeit four matches. Apparently, team freshmen were forced to swallow goldfish.. .alive. A call made to Steve-o from the hit show “Jackass” was not immediately returned. It is not known if there will be any long term punishments for varsity sports. A member of the advisory com¬ mittee told The Spudent on condition of anonymity due to the sensitive nature of the incident that freshmen were forced to, “Drop plastic cups from Commons in quick succession for nearly a minute straight.” He added that, “The freshmen were mortified, but luckily no one was injured in the process.” Many varsity captains were unavail¬ able for questions, but baseball senior Ryan Sonberg explained “We thought it was harmless, but some people at Bates felt otherwise. At least we didn’t make them sit in the Green Room or anything.” Just yesterday, Bates athletic direc¬ tor Kevin McHugh released a statement saying in the meantime, “Bates students near future.” College since the class of 2009 graduat¬ murals are integrated into the NCAA, sports return to campus for the 2013- should support intramurals.” He noted While many students were up in ed, especially senior Zak Kofos. Kofos, Bates will, “Shock the world and return 14 academic year a week early to begin that, “There will be an attempt to inte¬ arms, there were those who thought an intramural standout, was ecstatic to this school to NESCAC prominence.” practices for the upcoming season. grate intramurals into the NCAA in the this was the best thing to happen to this hear the news and believes once intra¬ As a result, it is asked fall club

gpU ■ ■

'

I ; ‘ ' ••Ail; V- U / a5 S > ✓ *", <" § I ‘ rr-

’.mWilNnr ©l.(gANI ©N C&MWoonANP pISy Y©U TWT© PINY IT $ $ swim @/m mmrnmrn The Bates Student May 15,2013 $pUd3n+ 4

- — ——-----1.. , . 1 ■ '■■' ----unMmurn iiiii Bates trades entire team, $100 million to Pistons in exchange for Andre Drummond traded!!! #truthchaser #praposterus” SEQUESTER GRUNDELPLITH, M.D. Furbush is also optimistic, stating, MANAING SPORTS EDITOR “I don’t really care who we put on the court as long as they throw the ball to Eager to make a splash following a Andre and let him dunk it. I mean, re¬ disappointing 10-15 season, Bates bas¬ ally, he>s like seven feet tall. If he doesn’t ketball coach Jon Furbush agreed in take every shot for us this year I’m going principle to trade the entire Bates bas¬ 8§j§c?' w* to fire myself and go coach ice hockey in ketball team, along with $100 million Mexico or something.” in cash considerations to the Detroit Drummond is understandly Pistons in exchange for NBA All-Rook¬ excited about being handed the reins ie center Andre Drummond. to a team that has made the NESCAC Rumors begin to fly that a trade was semifinals in two of the last four years. in the works following Drummond’s “I’m really excited to get up to Lewis¬ II.SI.. visit to Bates several weeks ago, and ton and start working towards next sea¬ heated up when TMZ leaked a conver¬ son,” said Drummond. “Actually, I’m sation with Pistons GM Joe Dumars, just more excited to get out of Detroit. in which a visibly intoxicated Dumars What a goddamn cesspool. I think even called Detroit guard Jose Calderon a a casual fan knows that the Bates pro¬ “little douchebag” and intimated that gram is better than the Pistons’”. the two-time Olympian would have to Still, the question remains— get used to a backup role behind “some was trading away over half of the Bates little college guard”, which many took endowment for four years of Drum¬ to mean Bates standout Luke Mata- mond worth it? Bates President Clayton razzo. Spencer brushed aside concerns that the Hie rumors came to fruition on trade would strain Bates’ already paltry Sunday, as Bates GM Kevin McHugh endowment, insisting that athletics is put pen to paper on the costliest trade and has always been Bates’ primary con¬ in NESCAC history, surpassing Trin¬ cern. ity’s 2005 swap of their entire endow¬ “Let’s be honest here—you’re isisiiy ment for all the cocaine in Connecticut. out of your goddamn mind if you’d The addition of Drummond imme¬ rather have a healthy endowment than diately provides much-needed size and an NBA player dunking basketballs in scoring to a roster that currently lacks Alumni Gym. Maybe your last presi¬ depth at point guard, shooting guard, dent didn’t care about sports, but do I small forward, power forward, center, mm. look like that candy-ass? I mean, come and on the bench after the entire roster on people. HE PLAYS IN THE NA¬ was traded. is TIONAL BASKETBALL ASSOCIA¬ Despite the obvious roster concerns, TION,” said Spencer. ESPN NBA analyst Stephen A. Smith At press time, Drummond was praised the move on twitter, tweeting inquiring whether the meth in Lewiston “ANY time u CAN get a NBA BALLER was “really good” or just “okay”. for college kiiDs its USUALLY a smArT idEAl!!! doesntt matter how many they mmmM mmmm

ttaESPi! ssSseb

mm

Coach Furbush bros out with Andre Drummond on Parker 4. palo peirce/courtesy photo Bates slackline team wins NESCAC Championship

phy since anyone who slacklines is never I.P. FREELY productive enough to worry about do¬ STAFF WRITER ing anything. Slackline coach and Professor Tom The Bates slackline team claimed Tracy would not confirm or deny alle¬ its first-ever NESCAC Championship gations that Bates jiggled Middlebury’s with a gutsy performance at some ran¬ rope, simply saying, “You gotta do what dom Vermont state park last weekend. you gotta do.” The Bobcats outlasted two-time defend¬ The campus certainly felt the full ing national champion Middlebury in a force of the reveling slackliners upon battle over which school’s students are their return to Bates as it was reported least productive with their free time. that copious amounts of Allagash White The defining moment was when and Bon Iver were being consumed at a slight gust of wind caused the final 91 Elm. Middlebury slackliner to stick his foot “The key to our success is the on the ground, which is a huge no-no. slight incline of the quad,” said Litde. “It’s the slackline equivalent of stabbing “Slacklining uphill is a physical chal¬ someone with a hockey skate, you just lenge unmatched by any workout and don’t do that,” remarked Bates slackline we stymied Midd with our toned calf captain and philosophy major Peter muscles.” Litde. The sport of slacklining was found¬ The raucous home crowd was si¬ ed by a group of cut Frisbee players at lenced in horror at the unspeakable ac¬ Colorado College in the late 90s. Suc¬ tions of its captain, and Bates capital¬ cess in slacklining is direcdy correlated ized on the silence. with granola consumption. fort to recruit the best slackliners from for keeping Short Term, which is our huge asshat.” Little then traversed the two foot Assistant Athletic Director Marsha across the country has paid off. key training season,” said Litde. “The The slackline team practices about high rope successfully to clinch the up¬ Graef is reported to be ecstatic that her “We would just like to extend our idiot at The Student who wrote that one or two times a week when they feel set. Bates claimed the title but no tro¬ decision to de-fund club skiing in an ef¬ gratitude to the Bates administration Short Term needs to be revamped is a like it.

The Bates Spudent is a fake newspaper. That means that the names, photos, quotations, opin¬ ions, facts, implications, insinuations, comments, proposals, judgements and everything else found within it are fake. If you wanted something in this paper to have been real, we are sorry.