PO Box 42129, Los Angeles, CA 90042 #12 www.razorcake.com
few months ago, Todd and I got a chance to see two legendary Last week, I ran into a guy I know: a forty-something maintenance East LA punk bands – Los Illegals and The Brat – play at a worker in East LA, a Mexican immigrant, and also a student. He was Japanese American Museum. It was a strange place to see punk reading an issue of the zine Nervy Girl. He told me that I’d inspired him to AA bands. Their sets were incredibly short. It was an amazing show, pick up a copy of the zine. Since I’d never hear of it, I asked him what he anyway. After the show, Todd spotted The Brat’s guitarist walking around meant. He told me that all my talk of a media monopoly and the need for with copies of the only record they’ve released. I looked at Todd to make independent voices to balance out the mainstream corporate voices got to sure I wasn’t hallucinating. Because I have to admit, I’ve dreamed of him. He was in Hollywood and saw the zine and never would’ve picked it seeing this record in record stores so many times without actually seeing it up if not for me. He felt embarrassed purchasing it, he said, but now he that I’d begun to believe that the record only existed in dreams (and was glad he did. “Have you heard about all these women getting killed in Jimmy Alvarado’s record collection). Todd clearly felt the same way Cuidad Juarez?” he asked me. I nodded. “It’s upsetting to me. All of these because he stared at me and back at the records with the same injustices to women around the world. I never knew,” he said. Then, he dumbfounded look. We caught up with the guitarist and tried to buy a said to me, “Thanks.” “Don’t thank me,” I said, “thank the women who copy of the record for each of us. The guitarist wanted to just give them put out the zine.” away. We reached a compromise and each gave him five bucks for a Last night, Todd and I pretty much wrapped up this issue of record. Later, when I told the story to people who knew of The Brat, who I Razorcake. I drove home from HQ in my truck with no stereo. Out of thought would appreciate the story, several of them told me that I could nowhere, “Attitude” popped into my head, and I sang it to myself. I was probably get forty or fifty bucks on eBay for that record. Okay, but how’s dog-tired, run ragged from this issue and my other job. The only thing that fifty bucks gonna help me when I get “Attitude” stuck in my head for keeping me company was the song I was singing to no music. I was a week straight, and The Brat record no longer exists in my world? happy, though, that I had the record at home to fill in the parts of the song A few weeks ago, Todd set up a show for Super Chinchilla Rescue that I forgot. I thought about the fifty bucks on eBay and it reminded me Mission. It was just a little show at a little skate shop. About half of the of questions people ask me all the time. Like: what do you hope to get out Razorcake contributors were there. About two dozen underage drunk kids of Razorcake? What job do you hope it gets you? Who would you were there. It was a good place to hang out and drink beer and talk music ultimately like to write for? Luckily, by now I have answers. (and watch Dan Monick snap pictures of underage drunk kids doing What do I hope to get out of Razorcake? That feeling I got at the underage drunk things), a place where punk rock wasn’t an anomaly. The SCRM show. What job do I hope it gets me? Um, the job of putting out Super Chinchilla Rescue Mission plugged in. I thought I was ready for it. Razorcake. Who would I ultimately like to write for? Everyone who’s I’d listened to their songs on an almost daily basis for a year and a half. I reading these words, plus an East LA maintenance worker, now and then, knew every word, every note, every drum beat. I wasn’t prepared, though, and anyone else who wants to hear independent voices. for all that music flooding into that little skate shop. I felt like I was In the end, it all goes back to my copy of The Brat record, because swimming in Super Chinchilla Rescue Mission songs. It would’ve been sure, there’s money to be had in selling the things you love, but where’s one of those moments when I waxed philosophical about the power and the point in that? I’ll trade the 103 pages that follow this one for higher- vitality of music and about the importance of building a culture instead of paying aspirations any day. buying one. But I was too lost in the songs to get lost in my thoughts. Fucking-A. -Sean AD DEADLINE FOR ISSUE #13 • All ads are black and white. February 1st, 2002 • Make ads the right size and orientation. AD DEADLINE FOR ISSUE #14 • We don’t reserve ad space. April st, 2002 • Send good laser prints for the ads. Use EMAIL OR MAIL US FOR THE solely black ink on all art. Do not output RATES your ad on a bubble jet printer even if it looks black and white. It will reproduce AD SIZES like complete shit when it goes to an offset • Full page, 7.5” wide, 10” tall. printer. • Half page, 7.5” wide, 5” tall. • All photos must be halftoned using a 85 • Quarter page, 3.75” wide, 5” tall. LPI (85 line screen). • Sixth page, 2.5” wide, 5” tall. • If you feel the need for us to invoice you, understand that your ad won't run until we • Please make all checks out to Razorcake. have the cash on hand, so make those arrangements before the ad deadline. ADVERTISING STIPULATIONS • If any of this is fuzzy, we'll explain it.
• Sean
Cutting. Tasty. www.razorcake.com and PO Box 42129, Los Angeles, CA 90042 Table of Contents
***** Nardwuar The Human Serviette ...... Who Are You? ...... pg. 4 Art ...... Lil’ Beez and Unca Jeez ...... pg. 7 Ayn Imperato ...... 94103 ...... pg. 8 Gary Hornberger ...... Squeeze My Horn ...... pg. 10 Felizon Vidad ...... Shark Bait ...... pg. 12 Rev. Nørb ...... Love, Nørb ...... pg. 14 Designated Dale ...... I’m Against It ...... pg. 20 Money ...... Lazy Mick ...... pg. 22 Rich Mackin ...... The Twisted Balloon ...... pg. 24 Sean Carswell ...... A Monkey to Ride the Dog ...... pg. 26 Maddy ...... Shiftless When Idle ...... pg. 30 The Rhythm Chicken ...... The Dinghole Reports ...... pg. 34 Shawn Granton ...... The New Motherfucker Music ...... pg. 37 ***** Rattlesnakes ...... Interview by Kat Jetson ...... pg. 38 East LA Family Tree ...... Article by Jimmy Alvarado ...... pg. 42 Dillinger Four, Part 2 ...... Interview by ReTodd ...... pg. 48 The Arrivals ...... Interview by Megan Pants and ReTodd ...... pg. 58 The Skulls ..... Interview by Pettite Paquet, Designated Dale, and ReTodd ...... pg. 64 The Spits ...... Interview by Money ...... pg. 70 ***** Dan Monick ...... Free Hugs ...... pg. 73 Record Reviews ...... Mayor of Clackamas Representing ...... pg. 74 Zine Reviews ...... Stupid Shit Rules ...... pg. 96 Video Reviews ...... Barbecued Gluten Globs ...... pg. 99 Book Reviews ...... Boy, Did AK Press Send a Big Package ...... pg. 100
Razorcake is bi-monthly. Issues are $3.00 ppd. in the U.S. Yearly subscriptions (six issues) are $15.00. Plus you get some free shit. These prices are only valid for people who live in the US and are not in prison. Issues and subs are more for every- one else (because we have to pay more in postage). Write us and we’ll give you a price. New York City’s Princess pants and there was like a trail of to Think. So, actually, it was funny Columbia, Canada: the 5th Beatle! Superstar has been playing the toilet paper. I thought that was because a lot of us started up in act- Canadian connections! You love rap game for quite a few years great. That was actually the high- ing and just went into music. Canada, don’t you?! Your first now, kicking out the “cool beats light of the whole evening. Nardwuar: Is that how you album came out on a Canadian and rhymes,” the way SHE wants Nardwuar: Did you run out and hooked up with Prince Paul? label. What the hell?! to kick out the “cool beats and pull it off? Princess: No, a friend and I were Princess: I know, it was really rhymes.” The Princess runs her Princess: Uh, no but I saved it. so in love with his music that I sort weird. It was in ‘95 and all these own label, The Corrupt Nardwuar: Who is Lady Frost? of stalked him and got him to do a majors wanted to sign me. They Conglomerate, and basically does Princess: [laughs] Lady Frost?! track for me. [laughs] wanted to change me. They wanted whatever the hell she wants. Nardwuar: Some woman on your Nardwuar: So, Princess Superstar, to do this, and then they would Princess Superstar’s most cur- internet message board! you’re here in Vancouver, British promise me this money and never rent release is the ghetto-tech Princess: Oh yeah! Oh yeah! No, I Columbia, Canada. Tomorrow DJ come through and all this. And dance anthem “Fuck Me on the don’t know. Somebody was going Jazzy Jeff is in the house! along this time came this tiny Dancefloor.” on my message board and writing Princess: Ah, I love it, and as a Canadian label out of Windsor and all these really awful things about matter of fact, he’s doing some- they were like, “Here, we don’t Nardwuar: Who are you? me, and then somebody imperson- thing with my record label too. !K7 have hardly any money but make Princess: [laughs] Princess ated me and said that I was “going is going to be distributing his new the record you want to make, and Superstar. to rip off your vagina” and like all album so… it’s cool.” And I did, and my first Nardwuar: How the hell are you, this crazy shit that I would never Nardwuar: Haven’t you collabo- record was called Strictly Platinum, Princess Superstar?! say and then she got really mad and rated with him? and MuchMusic even played my Princess: Good, Nardwuar! then I wrote back and I was like, Princess: I haven’t yet but I really video, so I love Canada. Nardwuar: Please tell me the story “Look, somebody’s impersonating want to. Nardwuar: And you always right off the bat of Matt Dillon fart- me. Lady Frost, if you’ve got a Nardwuar: I thought you maybe remember Canada too! A quote: ing on your manager’s hand! problem with me, I don’t care. I’m had some good Will Smith stories “Winnipeg to Texas! Easter Egg to Princess: [laughs] Okay, great! So, cool with that, you know. Like, I’m for us! Xmas!” she was in the club in New York, here to support music. I don’t give Princess: [laughs] No! [laughs] Princess: Yay! My father was born one of these trendy clubs called Spy a shit. I’m not here to be on any- Nardwuar: Now, Princess in Winnipeg! or something like that, and she lit- one’s dick…” Superstar, speaking of Canada and Nardwuar: No way! erally was like, “Hi, how are you? Nardwuar: Because I was thinking collaboration, is it true – a Bryan Princess: Way! Nice to meet you,” when he met that you were Lady Frost! Adams duet with Princess Nardwuar: I never knew you had her, and he took her hand and fart- Princess: Oh, like battling Superstar? some Canadian connections, like ed on it. myself?! Princess: You are referring to my real Canadian connections! Nardwuar: Welcome to Matt Nardwuar: Yeah, because you’ve second album, CEO, where I had Princess: Blood! Blood! Dillon! got some acting training, haven’t message machine tapes from some Nardwuar: And you also have Princess: Yeah! Well, great, and I you? A&R people going over drums and props out to the “Safety Dance” in had wanted her to be my manager Princess: Yeah, I sure do. Yeah, bass and one of the messages was, one of your rhymes, Princess right away just ‘cause of that story! yeah. “I think you should do a duet with Superstar! Nardwuar: To be able to endure Nardwuar: How much training did Bryan Adams.” Princess: I sure do, and as a matter that! you get and how far did you get Nardwuar: And a few years later, I of fact, I DJ too, and I always play Princess: Yeah! along there, Princess Superstar? think that was a visionary of the “Tom Sawyer”! Nardwuar: You’ve endured a little Princess: Well, I went to NYU for record company, enter Sporty Nardwuar: Baboom! trip to Europe, haven’t you? A little drama and I graduated. I have a Spice, eh? Princess: Yeah! Bubba Sparxxx thing!? BFA. Princess: [laughs] Visionary! Nardwuar: Of Rush! Princess: [laughs] Yeah! We Nardwuar: So who are your class- Nardwuar: Because she did that, Princess: Ha haa! opened up for Bubba in London. mates? Anybody who went on to didn’t she? She did that song with Nardwuar: Rush is an interesting Nardwuar: Now, there was some anything as cool as Princess Bryan Adams? You were replaced artist. Tell me about Kid’n’Play, toiletry stuff going on there, wasn’t Superstar?! by a Spice Girl, Princess Superstar! Princess Superstar! there? What about the toilet paper Princess: Yeah, as a matter of fact, Princess: My god, it happens all Princess: Well, I really like out of his ass? What’s going on my roommate in freshman year was the fucking time. Kid’n’Play, specifically the hair- there, Princess Superstar!? Jennifer Charles who’s in Lovage Nardwuar: So you’re in dos. I have a line in “Wet Wet Wet” Princess: [laughs] Oh yeah! Bubba with Dan the Automator and she Vancouver, British Columbia, where I say, “Foreplay? Hmm. I came out for his “Ugly Song” and was in Elysian Fields. And also Canada – Princess Superstar! can make your cock go higher than 4 he pulled down his Craig Wedran who was in Shudder You’re in Vancouver, British the hair on Kid’n’Play.” Nardwuar: That is amazing! called the Corrupt Conglomerate and I Princess: Thanks. licensed it to !K7 so it is still a licensing deal Nardwuar: Now, speaking of “c star star K” with my label. I mean, they’re doing all the etc., Jarvis Cocker! work but I’m still going to be working on Princess: Yes! [laughs] Yes, Jarvis is amaz- signing other artists and that. ing. I mean, they are big supporters of what I Nardwuar: You got juice, Princess do. They brought me over to London and… Superstar, don’t you!? Nardwuar: And had you play a prison, was- Princess: Yeah! n’t that nice? Nardwuar: In the streets of New York, Princess: Yes! It was really amazing, though. “juice” means... They do these weird parties called Princess: [laughs] Princess Superstar! “Desperate” and the premise is we’re all a lit- Nardwuar: Power! tle bit too old to be partying so we’re sort of Princess: [laughs] desperate. So I’ve DJ’d and I’ve performed Nardwuar: Now, Princess Superstar, I am live with him, and they’re great. They’re real- amazed by your powers, like the power you ly nice. have to make that guy write a thesis and turn Nardwuar: That was in the UK where you that thesis into a video game for you?! are blowing huge! Princess: Oh yeah, yeah. He’s amazing and Princess: Huge. he used to write also for a lot of Canadian Nardwuar: Huge, Princess Superstar! Why magazines. He used to live in Montreal, too. now!? Why? How many records has it taken? Nardwuar: Princess Superstar, what turns Princess: [laughs] Four. It’s cool, man. You you on? I heard – what do you enjoy? Mod know what? It’s like I never sold out to a suits. You like mod suits, don’t you? major label. I sort of developed my own thing Princess: Yeah, yeah, I like mod suits, but over the years. And maybe if I had signed ear- what really turns me on is a brilliant sense of lier I would have been huger earlier, but I humor and somebody who is really smart don’t care. I’ve developed into the artist I am and… now, and that was really important to me, and Nardwuar: And mod suits! now finally everyone is catching up to me. Princess: And mod suits! People in the UK are super open to new kinds Nardwuar: How about your own love? Are of music – not in America; it’s very difficult you single now, Princess Superstar, or are you because you have to be boxed in like this or still dating through the internet? Didn’t you like that. But in the UK it’s all open. I mean, have an internet romance? even Jimi Hendrix in the day couldn’t get a Princess: [laughs] Okay, well I had a short- record deal. He had to go to the UK. lived IM romance, it’s true, but I… Nardwuar: And he was from Vancouver, Nardwuar: What was it like when you first British Columbia, Canada – well, he played met the other fellow? a few gigs here at the Smilin’ Buddha Princess: Well, no, he was all right. It wasn’t Cabaret! And you’re here in Vancouver, like he was some sort of hideous creature or British Columbia, Canada, Princess something like that, but it was just – I leave Superstar! Now, Princess Superstar, your all the time. stage act has been described as “WWF meets Nardwuar: How was his, uh, hard drive? softcore porn”! Princess: I wouldn’t know! [laughs] Princess: [laughs] Wow! [laughs] Nardwuar: Fat Boys! Fat Boys! Nardwuar: I’ve been thinking, you’ve Princess: Uh, the Fat Boys are back. Yeah, thrown out some props to softcore porn – and they deserve some props, don’t they? Give hardcore pornography as well – with your some props to the Fat Boys! Absolutely. allusion of On Golden... Nardwuar: Princess Superstar, Fat Boys, Princess: ...Blonde. gyms, working out. There is that great story Nardwuar: That was a great porno, wasn’t of you and Mike D, you know, at the gym. it? Have you met anybody else at the gym, or has Princess: [laughs] I actually didn’t see it. anybody else been listening to Princess Nardwuar: How about this one? 21... Superstar and you’ve run into them!? Princess: Uhhh... Nardwuar: 21 Hump... Princess: If you listen to my whole discogra- Princess: 21 Hump... phy you will see there are a myriad influences Nardwuar: 21 Hump Street! Princess: Aaaah! and… Nardwuar: That was another one – a poten- tial song lyric there, Princess Superstar. Nardwuar: And one of those influences is Princess: Okay, I will have to remember that asses. You love asses, don’t you, Princess for the next song. Nardwuar: I think people should be aware Superstar?! ,though: you have been in Playgirl and Princess: [laughs] I do! Business Week! Princess: [laughs] I know, and I kept my Because you work out quite a bit, don’t you, clothes on, too! Princess Superstaaaaaaa! Nardwuar: What a combination! Princess: Yeah. Yeah. I do work out when I Princess: And I’ve been in Playboy too, but can. I’m trying to think if I met anyone else not naked. And Business Week was with my famous at the gym.... No. I know Ben Stiller label. That was like so amazing because I is a member of my gym but I never saw him. brought that right home to my dad as opposed Nardwuar: What gym were you going to and to Playboy. what have you observed at the gym? Nardwuar: So what happened to the label? Princess: Um, I go to Crunch and… It’s kind of gone.... Nardwuar: A crunch?! Princess: No, no, no, it’s not. It’s not. It’s Princess: Yeah, Crunch, and they’re always playing the worst music – that’s Well, no, but that’s a really good Peaches, Canadian kind-of rapper of them, do you? what I’ve observed – like really story. What happened was that – I was once told by Courtney Princess: No, but, you know, I’ve bad techno trance music and I just once I went into a manager’s office Love never to compare women learned it’s pretty easy to find who put on my earphones and I’m like, in the early days and this guy was groups to women groups, but you want to find. “Blech.” like, “We’re going to call you Peaches, Princess Superstar, ever Nardwuar: Who has the best ass, Nardwuar: Mike D of the Beastie Creem.” And you’re going to be done any gigs with her? do you think, Princess Superstar? Boys you saw at the gym. Ad Princess: Um, no, but I know Princess: [laughs] Oh my god, Rock of the Beastie Boys lives in Peaches. She used to come to well, you know, Ghostface Killer New York too, doesn’t he? my shows back in the day in does have a nice ass. [laughs] Princess: Yeah. like ‘96 when I first started Nardwuar: You like Microsoft Nardwuar: Doesn’t he live with coming to Canada. She was a Word, don’t you? Don’t you Kathleen Hanna of Le Tigre? fan, and so was Gonzales, and namecheck Microsoft Word, Princess: Yeah, I’m not sure… they’re great. Princess Superstar? Nardwuar: Do you ever see her Nardwuar: What about in Princess: I sure do, because I used around? Because I’m always fas- England? Have you ever got to be a secretary back in the day cinated by that, you know, Le any comparisons to Peaches and so, yeah, Microsoft Word is a Tigre and Beastie Boys together at all? great product. but not really! Do you ever see like, “I ain’t from the ghetto and I Princess: No, I get compared to Nardwuar: How about Bill them together? ain’t trying to go to the ghetto. I am Eminem constantly. Gates’s ass? How is Bill Gates’s Princess: No, I haven’t. You know, Creem, motherfucker.” And like Nardwuar: Which you want to ass, Princess Superstar? I haven’t even been in New York wear furs and all this shit, and I downplay right now! Princess: Oh, no, no. I don’t think for ages either because I’m touring was like, “Dude, that’s not really Princess: [laughs] You know, he’s I want to go there but I do all the time so I kind of miss it. me.” [laughs] And he was like, a great lyricist but he’s not what namecheck also Steve Case, who Nardwuar: Princess Superstar, “I “You’re not going to make any I’m about. If you listen to my owns AOL. got more rhymes than John’s money in this business unless you whole discography you will see Nardwuar: Woah! Which you’ve got....” do it that way.” And I’m like, “All there are a myriad influences dumped, right?! Princess: Peel Sessions! right then.” And of course I didn’t and… Princess: [laughs] Yeah! Nardwuar: I love it! Your indie make any money! [laughs] Now I Nardwuar: And one of those Nardwuar: Princess Superstar. roots popping up! You’re an indie am! influences is asses. You love asses, You live in New York? I mean, do rocker at heart, aren’t you, Princess Nardwuar: Enter Princess don’t you, Princess Superstar?! you experience everything? Are Superstar?! Superstar! Princess: [laughs] I do! you down with it? I mean, every- Princess: I totally am, and I am Princess: Yeah, so I was always Nardwuar: Kool Keith’s ass! thing happens in New York. I know very, very impressed with you. called Princess Superstar, yeah. Princess: Yeah! [laughs] you haven’t been there a lot but You’re calling up all these old Nardwuar: Princess Superstar, Nardwuar: Now tell me about come on, there must have been school references and stuff. You’ve what’s the history of pioneering Kool Keith. You know him pretty some wild parties? Are you down done your homework. women rappers? I mean, Blondie! well, don’t you, Princess with the scene? How do they Nardwuar: You were on Teen Blondie! Superstar? accept you? Beat Records! Teen Beat! Teen Princess: Yeah, I mean Blondie is Princess: Yeah. Yeah. Princess: Yeah, no, I do go to a lot Beat! You were a Teen Beater! You just amazing. As is Roxanne Nardwuar: Is it true he likes to of parties in New York when I’m were a Teen Beater, Princess Shanté. And Queen Latifah. pleasure himself in the bleachers of there. It’s great. I mean, it’s like Superstar! Mark Robinson, Teen Nardwuar: What about Bitches Yankee Stadium or in fitting rooms everything is there. You’re totally Beat! With Problems? at Macy’s? right. You can go in the hiphop Princess: Yeah, well, I used to play Princess: [laughs] Bitches With Princess: You know, I really don’t scene, or you can go in the indie guitar in a band called the Gamma Problems? get that at all. I mean, he came to rock scene. You can go wherever Rays, an all girl band, and also Nardwuar: Hos With Attitude! the studio and he was totally pro- you want and that’s what I love, Mark Robinson was also the one Princess: Yeah! fessional. He’s great. I think that a you know, that is what has inspired who taught me how to set up a Nardwuar: Da Brat! lot of that is just people going off me as an artist. label. Princess: Yeah, we love it all. on their own imaginations. Nardwuar: But what parties have Nardwuar: Which ended up Nardwuar: The Yeastie Girls, Nardwuar: But he does have a you been invited to rapwise? What being... Princess Superstar!? porno company, doesn’t he? cool rap parties? I’m just imagin- Princess: The Corrupt Princess: I heard of them. Princess: Yeah, he does. Yeah. ing! Have you visited like ODB Conglomerate. Nardwuar: Millie Jackson. Ever Nardwuar: And have you investi- now that he’s in rehab or any- Nardwuar: And we’re here in heard of her? gated that at all, Princess thing?! Vancouver, British Columbia, Princess: Oh yeah. Yeah, yeah, Superstar? Princess: No, I’ve been fortunate Canada with Princess.... yeah, yeah. Princess: No. [laughs] for that, but I have been to Missy Princess: Superstar. Nardwuar: Going way back in the Nardwuar: But about your ambi- Elliott’s record release party and Nardwuar: Princess rap game. tions? Beyond doing music – I stuff like that. Superstaaaaaaa! Now, speaking of Princess: That’s way back. mean, Kool Keith has a porno Nardwuar: [soundcheck noises] indie rock, Fugazi, you sampled Nardwuar: Trina, the Baddest... company. You and ass enhancers? Oh wow, I guess you gotta go Fugazi! Are you one of the first Princess: The Baddest Bitch! You want to get on the ass band- soundcheck now... Princess people to sample Fugazi in kind of Nardwuar: Have you ever met wagon, don’t you? Superstar, the half Canadian MC! like the big time game? Trina at all? Princess: [laughs] Yeah. Yeah. We Princess: [laughs] I’m American, Princess: Yeah, well, I sampled Princess: No, but she’s got a real- were going to market a line of ass but yeah honorary Canadian. Fugazi on my first record so I’m ly funny song with Trick Daddy enhancers to make your buttocks Nardwuar: Well, thank you very not sure how many people heard that I like a lot. bigger. We might do that. Um, much, Princess Superstar, keep on that but they are amazing! And I Nardwuar: Gangsta... yeah, man, I’m writing a hiphop rockin’ in the free world, and doot love their work ethic and also they Princess: Boo! musical right now so I don’t know doola doot doo... are a big inspiration of why I never Nardwuar: Whut... where that’s going to go. All I Princess: Doot doot! signed to a major initially so... Princess: Whut! know is that the first song I am Nardwuar: When you first started Nardwuar: Whut Whut! That’s writing is for Ghostface Killa and To hear this interview go to: out, Princess Superstar, did you another great rapper, isn’t it? Jean! Dolly Parton to collaborate on
94103
Ayn Imperato
A good song is a good goddamn song. And worth a fist.
strange giant pole set up right in the middle. It was a new chal- Twenty lenge, setting up our drums, guitar and bass amp lengthwise, instead Fists of having the standard 3-D box to work with. The troublesome pole The small coastside town of only served to separate us more. Cayucos restored my faith in rock But being the Tetris masters that and roll. The people in that town we are, we managed to find posi- don’t just love music – they tions for our equipment where you explode with it. could still hear everything okay, The punk band I’m in, The even if there wasn’t much room Tramps, played down there at the to, say, move around. But the PA local bar one weekend and we was good and loud and that’s all really weren’t expecting much but we really needed to make it work. a laid back time away from the As we kicked into playing, the hectic city of San Francisco where smallish crowd exploded. I looked we live. But when we rolled into up to see twenty fists raised in the town at midnight, Friday, there air. No one cared what we wore or was already a party screaming to that our decrepit amps were sever- life. Beer cans were sailing from al decades old, that our stuff was the beach house balcony where set up in a row, or seemingly that we were staying, as we pulled up I was even a girl. The fists just to unload our equipment. flew. People sang along to some Upstairs, people were running of our songs – they knew the around like crazy, drinking words even though our CD hadn’t whiskey straight out of the bottle, been released yet. Someone had with punk and metal music blar- made copies of the demo we sent ing from four foot, skater-sticker- earlier and traded them with their covered speakers. One guy was friends. I had forgotten what that was like – I was from a small town Ayn Imperato staggering around, covered with blue magic-markered slogans: “I too. But I had forgotten. like ass” on one arm and a picture I was now used to the big city of a giant penis on the other. I show experience. In San thought this sort of thing only Francisco, the most you can happened when you passed out expect from a crowd in a bar is a drunk at a party – yet he was still few stoic nods, along with a few coherent when he begged me to wild dancers who are, in fact, usu- write something else on his last ally people visiting from out of square inch of untouched flesh. town. Because to raise a fist in Another guy was already passed San Francisco might be to admit out on the couch with his mouth sometimes for periods of forty- ble but jumping little place, and is to live and breathe and feel and hanging open, hugging a giant eight hours at a time – for approx- the only bar in town. Outside, fight and die. One thing’s for sure, stuffed fish. It was barely twelve. imately seven month stretches in there’s a cowboy mural welcom- people in small towns still do. Hanging out a bit longer, I order to pull off the monumental ing you. Inside, there are pictures Playing on that tiny stage in found out that a bunch of these task. At the end of the day they are of topless girls in furry chaps that tiny town to a crowd of music guys were seasonal firefighters, covered in soot, knowing that painted on the walls. At the bar, die-hards made me remember finished with work for several tomorrow the winds could change twenty-one-year-olds drink side what it’s all about. Standing up months after a long, brutal season. suddenly while they’re working, by side with sixty-one-year-olds there, it wasn’t about selling Their job, working for the forestry causing the fire to jump across the in their matching Cayucos Tavern copies of our CD or stroking our department, is an extremely dan- fire break, which could possibly sweatshirts. Old and young com- egos on a lifted, gigantor stage. It gerous one. They are dropped off burn them alive. All this to save ing together over furry chaps and was about those twenty fists, into the middle of a burning forest other people’s lives and the beer. raised to the pure ecstasy of rock to cut a break in the trees, which remaining forests. You can’t Saturday night we played at and roll. stops the fire from progressing blame them for wanting to cut The Tavern with two other local further. The job requires working loose – real loose – on their bands, Pat Riot and Broadzilla. After the show, there was an extreme manual labor – cutting months off. We set up our equipment on the after party at the same house as The Cayucos Tavern is a hum- long, narrow stage, which had a before. I got too drunk too fast to 8 down trees nonstop, remember the two-drink maximum, but Johnny Cash was blaring from the jukebox. somehow knew it wouldn’t apply here any- How could we leave? Just one more drink. way. The life of the party was an underage Or six. drunk guy in a leather jacket and cowboy hat The guys ordered martinis. As a joke. who had peed himself and was doing the They slugged them, holding the small glass- Russian Hat dance in the middle of the living es in their big callused fingers, complaining room in his wet, stained jeans. This was fol- about how terrible they tasted. Then they lowed by a flurry of empty beer cans, which filled the tiny, empty glasses up with beer everyone pelted him with. And there were a and drank them with their pinkies out. I liked lot of empty cans at this point. He kept danc- these guys. These firefighter, rock and roll ing while being pummeled with aluminum guys. cans, stopping only momentarily to motion And the fists were still rising – even in us with his hands – he was beyond speech – the mid-afternoon – when a good song came to keep the cans coming. on the jukebox. Punk, metal, country. Even And those fists continued to fly. Literally. Neil Diamond got a fist. Anyone who can At one point in the night, five people were equate AC/DC with Neil Diamond under- dog piled on the couch, punching each other stands rock and roll in my book. A good song simultaneously. It started out as a joke and is a good goddamn song. And worth a fist. segued into a broken nose. The guy with the Outside the sun slowly lowered and flat- busted schnoz staggered around the party for tened itself out, as though it was drunk too. the rest of the night, seemingly oblivious, The theme from the Dukes of Hazzard blared with blood covering his white t-shirt. out and there was a moment of silence, a dead calm of clinking glasses in the distance The next day, we woke up at noon. We and murmured conversation. One of the larg- were coated in beer but, thankfully, not er guys stood up on his stool, clutched the blood. We stopped by the tavern later that beer pitcher with both hands and raised it to afternoon to say goodbye and were sucked the ceiling, screaming, “Yeaaaaaaahhhh!” back inside. Although the inside of the bar Everyone raised their glasses towards the was slightly brighter with the sun shining in pitcher in the air. Dukes of Hazzard episodes and we physically felt and looked a hell of a raced through our heads, under the crown of lot worse than when we arrived, it was as twenty shining beer glasses, held in twenty though the party had never really stopped. fists. And for a moment that was all that mat- Inside, our eyes slowly adjusted to the dark. tered in that tiny punk rock town. A bunch of people from the night before were sitting around with a few pitchers and -Ayn pints, attempting to squash their hangovers. SqueezeSqueezeSqueeze MyMyMy HornHornHorn
Let me just say that a $1.99 can buy just enough toilet paper to clean up all the crap hidden in between the pages of this excuse for a comic. Hi folks, it’s the holiday season and things why is it that employment makes us give up because I don’t know anyone who could make are spinning out of control just nicely. some of the rights we are granted by being an sense of this book. I really can’t find any Halloween was a giant bust. My dogs scared American? Why is it that in order to get a pay- redeeming qualities in this book. Perhaps if it away the first bunch of kids and only two other check I have to sell my soul? It is well known had a story, something, anything to follow and groups showed up after that. Halloween was one that the separation in wealth in this country is the art wasn’t so distorted I could give a kind of my favorite holidays and now it’s just a crap- widening with the lower income becoming the word. Rapping fantasy animals are just too far py let down. Hell, even the costumes suck. We greater in number. What does this say about out there. If you’re daring with your money, used to go to great lengths to have cool cos- business in this country? I just don’t understand please, please buy the X-men! tumes. I never thought I would say it, but I’m why we want our kids to go through this. When getting more bent and cynical as I grow old. Just I was young, I don’t remember seeing the world GARISH ZOW COMICS #2 the other day, I questioned a co-worker as to this way. Why is it now that I regret getting up $8 why she would want to bring a child into this in the morning, and why do I wish I could just I never understand why comics that are well world. All around us the world gets darker. make it to retirement? I’ll tell you why – put together have no price tag. This collection of There’s a powder keg in the middle east just because things are hitting the boiling point and stories is wonderful. It’s visually spectacular waiting for that guy who someone other than when the lid comes off there’s not going to be and, at the same time, thought-provoking. From myself voted into presidency to blow up. That much left. So, with that said, I will step off my the very first story “Trail of Waste” to “The same character is being allowed to take our civil box and slink off to bed and wish you all good Helpful Spirit,” I was knee-deep in enjoyment. liberties away from us. It took how many men to night hopes that you had safe holidays. “Trail of Waste” is about this giant head that is create this government and it seems just one is busy laying waste to a river and causing havoc trying to become king. to the life forms that use it. The main character My real problem lies in the work force. I is a surveyor, who happens upon a small herd of found a small booklet in the back seat of my deer or antelope, who plead with him to try to truck that I signed my life away for. It is my stop the giant. When the giant tells him to “get work’s “code of business conduct.” In short, it the hell out of my way,” the surveyor and the vaguely states what I should do at work. Now, deer devise a way to spin the giant around and before I climb on my soapbox, let me set some make him eat his own waste. I wish I could do groundwork. I, Gary Hornberger, have a degree that to some of the companies I’ve worked for. from Long Beach State in Engineering Another good story is the “Witch’s Mark.” Technology, yet I work in a grocery store. When I was a kid, we read comics like Creepy – Which one? I cannot say because my job tells you know the ones that dealt with the spirit me I will get in trouble if I do. I know it’s my world. This story is right on that tip. It’s about own damn fault that I’m still there and I come these monks who decide to go on a witch hunt home every day and beat myself up for it but because the people of the town are losing inter- that’s my problem. My feeling is that a job is est in religion. The monks go out and string up something you go to do the best you can, clock an old women who lives alone in the woods. out, and leave it there. This is a pipe dream! I’ve Bluntly, these monks tell her why they’re doing had several jobs and they all wanted to own me, it and she tells them that she’s not a witch but even when I got home. So, in my current she’s going to put a curse on them anyway. employment, they decided to make a department Guess what happens. The curse works and all of “Ethics and Compliance,” something like the monks involved basically go mad. Pretty what the leader of the U.S. did with Homeland cool, huh? Of course, there are many more good Security. This is a company that, to this day, is stories packed into this little gem, but I’m not still trying to dodge a class action suit for mak- about to open the whole goodie bag. Get your ing workers work off the clock. This is a com- own candy, damn you. These guys even give pany that makes billions, according to the two extra mini comics: one in the front cover newsletter, and claims it’s not making enough and one in the back cover. Hopefully these guys and that’s why stocks are down. This is a com- BATTLEBEASTS AND BATTLERAPS will get a contract with a store so consumers can pany that can afford to give salaries to managers $1.99 U.S. pick up future copies, but for right now just drop in the triple digit range but complains that the Let me just say that a $1.99 can buy just them a line. If you like thought-invoking stories grunts are bleeding them dry (that would be us, enough toilet paper to clean up all the crap hid- packed tight, then get your mitts on this one. the union types). I ask, what kind of ethics can den in between the pages of this excuse for a (Hidden Agenda Press, 647 N. Santa Cruz Ave, they ask me to follow? My manager, the guy comic. All the dialog is in rap, which makes it St. E Los Gatos, CA 95030;
INTIMATE CITY TITILLATING TALES #1, $?? Well, I’m gonna have to say the name This one put me in limbo. The fact that there RADISKULL & DEVIL DOLL is a little misleading. I wouldn’t exactly call the is no visual disturbs my kid side, yet the way the $2.95 U.S., $4.70 Can. stories titillating, perhaps because the two tales author verbally expresses new love longing is Hell has fury and it comes in the form of are opposite of each other. One’s futuristic and mentally hitting the nail on the head. He seems Radiskull, a character straight off of a Suicidal the other is a somewhat modern-day middle to be able, in words alone, to accurately depict Tendencies album. He’s a floating skull with a east. The first tale is about this guy who gets hit that blind loss of mental control we males have bandana and spiked hair and he hangs out with by a car so hard that it knocks his protons ahead when we fall in love. Is it love or lust? I forget! his best pal, Devil Doll, who is a grade school of his electrons. No, really! Look, it says so Now, where was I? Oh yes, a story with no visu- demon. Together they like to create havoc. First right here in the pages in black and white. The al. Why this bothers me is weird because if there off, Radiskull gets hit by an SUV, which he pro- doctor who sees him wants to put him through a were pictures, the whole concept of longing ceeds to chase down unsuccessfully. Then he machine that will set everything back in line, but would fall flat on the sidewalk, though without gets pissed at TV and smashes that up. Things for some unknown reason after the therapy, this the pictures, I’m finding it hard to describe this really get going when Radiskull fills in for Devil guy kills two muggers who attack him. Then book other than just what it is – a guy spilling Doll at the Steamin’ Weenie while the Doll vis- this guy and his friends decide to sue the driver his feelings with and without the girl he’s in its his girl in heaven. Working in fast food is just who hit him, but down at the police station, no love/lust with. So, all I can tell you is to find this not right for Radiskull because he basically has police report found. This is where we’re left rarity and tell me what you think. (e21@danger- the speech pattern of Ringo Starr in the movie hanging to buy the next issue. Pretty soap opera ous-minds.com) Caveman. So, long story short, he ends up tear- of them, right? The next tale is from Bart ing the place apart. I picked this one in the store Simpson’s “damned if you do, damned if you MR. CLICK / A CHARMED LIFE because my nephew told me that this was on don’t” file. It’s about this kid whose father tells $1.50 U.S. cable and he said it was pretty good. Maybe it’s him to watch his flock of sheep. You know Where do I start? I guess with Mr. Click, the medium that’s the problem. I found it to be where this is going. Yes, big wolf eats sheep, because A Charmed Life is just one of those on the kiddie side with moments of greatness. boy gets in trouble, goes back out, kills wolf, social commentary comics about the lows of For instance, there’s a reference to a mullet hair- and gets in trouble for that, too. I told you it drinking. Well, that takes care of that story. So, style that the manager of Steamin’ Weenie has wasn’t titillating. Alright, it’s chancy. You might Mr. Click, the story is about a college kid who that got me to chuckle. Now, to tell the truth, like it or it may put you to sleep. I’m just letting joins a society of secrets. Actually, it’s two guys I’m not sure where this is being marketed to. It you know before you get this one. (keep- who do only god knows, but they are going to does have strong possibilities, so look for this [email protected]) train him in whatever it is they do, and it one. When you go to the store, thumb through it requires reading from their special book. The first and see if anything catches your eye. book is filled with forbidden knowledge that is (www.radiskull.com) 11 Shark Bait
Felizon Vidad
…it is more socially acceptable for a boy to play with guns than to play with dolls… isn’t it? snapshots that she’d taken on photography trips brought back to reality by your husband who Guns, Dolls, Michael & Me around the world. I liked the way Blythe looked wants to go see the new Michael Moore movie, so lifelike, posed against interesting settings: a then you will most likely still have your head in Sean wanted to see the new Michael Moore flaking, graffittied piece of Berlin Wall, or an the clouds, half an hour later, dreaming of col- movie, Bowling for Columbine. He told me on overgrown garden that seemed like a shady for- lecting more dolls and dressing them up and Monday and Tuesday and Wednesday and est if you looked at it from a doll’s perspective. admiring the way that you have posed them to Thursday and Friday. Of course I only heard him Blythe also wore cool outfits as she posed for look like real people. When you are sitting in a on Saturday, when I was sitting at the computer, these snapshots. One minute she was in a curly seventy-five-year-old movie theater that makes playing on the internet and bopping to Japanese blonde wig and black, shredded, punker-looking you feel as if you have stepped into a time warp, punk rock. clothes; the next minute she was in a red design- and your head is in the clouds – when you watch “The movie starts at 4:15,” Sean said. “If we er evening gown, complete with a slit up the on the big screen in front of you an opening leave in twenty minutes, we can make it.” thigh and a glamorous feather boa. My favorite scene where a man gets to choose from a wide “Sure,” I said. I clicked onto eBay. I already pictures showed her wearing a fuzzy hand-knit variety of guns when he opens an account at a had it bookmarked in Favorites. stocking cap, flared seventies disco pants, vin- North Country Bank in northern Michigan – “I mean it,” Sean said. “You should start tage roller skates that really worked. Compared when you’re thinking of dolls and looking at getting ready.” to Blythe, Barbie was just a sad, stay-at-home guns, then your mind begins to tell you that “In a minute,” I said. I typed in a search for suburban wanna-be. something is not right with the world. Sea Wees. My most recently acquired Sea Wee I was nearly halfway through Gina’s photo The movie is not entirely about guns. It is doll from eBay dated back to last year, and I was gallery and admiring a photo of two Blythes not entirely about bowling for Columbine, pretty close to done with that obsessive doll-col- zooming along in a pink convertible when Sean either. To try to describe, summarize, or explain lecting phase. But I liked to see who was fool came back into the room. He didn’t say a word. the themes and issues involved in this two-hour enough to bid as high as I used to. He went up to the computer, reached for the documentary that was brilliantly put together by “I’m leaving in exactly twenty minutes,” mouse, dragged it to the Start button, and Michael Moore, I would have to write an ana- Sean told me. clicked a couple of times. The computer shut lytical research paper, and neither you nor I have “Okay,” I said. I returned to Favorites and down. the time or strength for that kind of dissertation clicked open the folder that I’d labeled Blythe! “Hey!” I said. at this point in time. Prevalent in the movie, Blythe is a doll that I came across recently “Time to go,” Sean said. “I told you, twenty though, is the idea that Americans live in a cul- and accidentally. I’d been browsing through minutes.” ture of fear, and it is this fear which drives us to kick-ass artist Lisa Petrucci’s website, checking violence. You can examine this notion on a nor- out her paintings of the Kute and Karnal, wanti- Michael Moore’s Bowling for Columbine mal, everyday level. Consider, for instance, how
Felizon Vidad ng very badly to own the ones of Liddle Kiddle was playing at the Rialto in South Pasadena. The the media is constantly making the public aware dolls portrayed as bad girls and pin-up girls. One Rialto is a seventy-five-year-old landmark the- of “news” involving violence, someone else’s of the links on Lisa’s site took me to Gina ater that has so far avoided being mowed down crimes, someone else’s death. Turn on the tv, Garan’s Blythe doll website. Gina Garan is a and converted into a parking lot for yuppie switch on the radio, open up a newspaper and New York-based photographer who found shoppers in downtown South Pasadena. It’s not see for yourself. After so much drama and Blythe by chance a few years ago. Blythe was much to look at when you’re just standing out- tragedy and warnings, you could believe that it originally released in 1972 and was available for side, but inside is a different story. Sitting in the might happen to you. You become fearful to the only about a year. When you pulled a cord old-fashioned seats that click into a somewhat- point where the idea of arming yourself will attached to the back of her head, her eyes reclining position, looking around at the wide assuage any chances of you being the victim. changed from pink to green to orange to blue. balcony and high ceiling and ornate architec- When it comes to someone else’s crime, it’s not Every time you pulled the cord, Blythe’s eyes ture, you almost expect red velvet curtains to going to be your own death. would click to a different color. Her head was draw open for the first reel of Gone With The Now, go one step further and examine this abnormally out of proportion to the rest of her Wind, or some such movie. It looked to me like notion on a larger scale. Consider, for instance, body, to accommodate those rotating eyeballs. the theater could have comfortably seated a few that your fear runs on a greater level. Imagine Gina took Blythe home with her and started hundred people, but there was maybe a smatter- you’re a country, not a person. You’ve got too using the doll as a model in her photographs. In ing of thirty in the audience, total. In the seat many people pissed off at you; you’ve stuck 2000, a collection of Gina’s photos were pub- next to mine, Sean groped through the tote bag your army one too many times in places where lished in a book called This is Blythe. After the I’d brought. He was searching for the twenty- you really should have been minding your own book’s release, people suddenly wanted to be ounce bottle of Pepsi we’d smuggled in, despite business. Your past involves a history of vio- Blythe’s best friend. They wanted their own per- the sign outside that made it clear that no outside lence and crime and death. And so, rather than sonal multi-eyed, big-headed, skinny-bodied, food or drink was allowed. The people behind us one or two guns stashed fully loaded in your kind-of-freakish-yet-kind-of-endearing doll that talked loudly about somebody’s cousin coming home, you have an arsenal of thirty-million-dol- probably spooked a lot of little girls back in to town for the holidays. I closed my eyes and lar fighter planes, depleted uranium missiles, 1972. Now, you can’t even expect to win the waited for the movie to start. I had dolls on the and self-healing mine fields – all of which will original 1972 Blythe on eBay for under six hun- brain. safely ensure that when it comes to your crimes, dred bucks. I know, because I tried. When you are engrossed in looking at some- it’s not going to be your own death. Anyway, so I clicked onto the Blythe web- thing as highly fascinating as multi-eyed, big- site and started looking at the pictures in Gina’s headed, skinny-bodied dolls dressed up and One thing that was glaringly obvious to me photo gallery. Some of them had already been posed to look like real people around the world, throughout Moore’s documentary was the com- 12 published in her book; others were and when you are so rudely interrupted and plete and total absence of women in positions of power. Men dominated. And not just regular, into a children’s toy store, the toys are definite- house is a dollhouse; a doll by any other name is nice-guy men like my own dear husband and his ly separated and categorized. In one section are still a doll. punk rock chums, but big-talking, macho-swag- the girls’ playthings: dolls; doll clothes and But there you have it: a definite gender bias gering, you-picked-on-me-in-the-schoolyard- accessories; dress-up items like imitation feath- that exists in children’s toys. There is a clearly so-now-I’m-all-grown-and-gonna-beat-up-on- er boas, sparkly purses, and plastic high heels; defined line between what constitutes appropri- you-with-my-weapons type of men. Case in arts and crafts kits to make jewelry and stained ate playthings for boys and what constitutes point: George Bush. Both of them. Second case glass bottles; cooking and cleaning items just appropriate playthings for girls. Girls get toys in point: Charlton Heston, president of the like Mommy’s, but in miniature versions that that are traditionally associated with feminine National Rifle Association and firm believer of work almost as well as the real thing. Just look qualities, and boys get toys that are identified the country’s “different ethnic groups” as reason at the Easy Bake Oven and Snack Center, still as with rougher, tougher, stronger qualities. to blame for the presence of violence. Third case popular today in 2002 as it was in 1964. Crossing over the line is generally socially unac- in point: well, you could fill in at least half a Over on the other side of the toy store, sep- ceptable. It is considered atypical and abnormal dozen names for this one. arated from the girly things, is the boys’ section. behavior. If a little girl chose to play with GI Joe So where are the women leaders, the women The selection will include toys that require a rather than Barbie, she would be called a presidents? Why is it that we have men in charge more rugged and less delicate sensibility: action tomboy or a butch or something along those of our country? Why is it that we will most like- figures like wrestlers and superheroes and GI lines. If a little boy chose to play with Barbie ly continue to maintain men in positions of Joe; Hot Wheels; Tonka trucks; construction rather than GI Joe, he would be called a sissy, a power, positions in which they can ultimately toys like Erector sets, Legos, and Mega Bloks; girl, a fag. He’d be better off with GI Joe and his determine for us what is right and what is and radio and remote-control stunt vehicles clubhouse, with the maps and charts to plot a wrong? including airplanes, paraplanes, hovercrafts, war, and the guns and bombs that come with it. sailboats, submarines, ATVs, and skateboards After all, it is more socially acceptable for a boy It occurred to me: if women were in charge complete with Tony Hawk-lookalike figures. All to play with guns than to play with dolls… isn’t of negotiations and foreign policy, or if they considered masculine items, all intended for lit- it? were in charge of So what if men choosing between, had been given hmmm, let’s say, dolls to play with A) allocating thir- when they were ty million dollars younger? Not dolls to education and a like G.I. Joe or free national Power Rangers or healthcare pro- Spider Man kind of gram or B) hand- dolls, but cute ing it over to the dolls, cuddly dolls, Felizon Vidad defense industry to dress-them-up-and- make more bombs brush-their-hair to kill innocent kind of dolls. What civilians in foreign if little boys got to countries – well, play with them and what do you love them and care think? Would the for them, and what state of the Union if it was socially be as violent and acceptable to do aggressive as it is so? Would that today? have conditioned Okay, yes, on men at a young age one hand, it might to be more caring be. Margaret and more nurtur- Thatcher was a ing? And as a pretty brutal leader whole, would that when she was the have helped us be a prime minister of kinder and more England. Golda compassionate pop- Meir in Israel was ulation, rather than no angel. And Hilary Clinton, the best chance tle boys to play with. The pictures on the pack- a society steeped in violence, hate, and aggres- the US has had of a woman president in years, aging will tell you that. sion? voted in favor of the attack on Afghanistan and And it’s not just inside of the toy stores and Imagine, a world where dolls rule. backs Bush in his most recent scheme to invade toy departments. The other week, I was at a Iraq. large outdoor craft fair where numerous vendors Going home, I thought about all this in the Then again, after September 11, the first had set up booths featuring their wares. car and was quiet. I thought about Blythe and member of Congress to stand up to Bush and Everything was handmade and homemade; there how looking at Gina Garan’s pictures of her vote against the $40 billion plan to rape our were the usual things like clothing and jewelry made me smile. I thought about my doll collec- social security system in the name of attacking and works of art to display. Then there was the tion tucked away in the big blue suitcase-sized Afghanistan was California Senator Barbara one booth that made me stop, look, and leave fishing tackle box. I tried to remember the last Lee, definitely not a man. shaking my head. Apparently, the booth time I took the dolls out. The Sea Wees, I decid- belonged to dollhouse makers who catered to GI ed, would need a good hair-brushing when I got The question of whether or not our country Joe and Barbie owners. On one half of the booth home. would be better off with women leaders is one were two-story dollhouses with pink wallpaper –Felizon that invites arguments from all sides. One might and cushiony furniture (sofas, beds, ottomans) argue that a woman could be just as ruthless and meant to be utilized by Barbie. The other half NOTES aggressive as a man. But in making that state- consisted of two-story dollhouses with dark *If anyone wants to give me a 1972 Kenner ment, wouldn’t one also be acknowledging that green camouflage paint and military-room furni- Blythe doll for cheap (or free!), or knows of there are gender stereotypes – that men are gen- ture (desks, tables, war-charting wall maps) someone who would, I will be your best friend erally considered more aggressive and dominat- meant to be utilized by GI Joe. One half of that for life. You can come over to my house and ing than women? booth was “dollhouses” and the other half was play dolls with me any time. If you think about it, the stereotypes are “clubhouses.” Doesn’t matter. Ignore the stereo- ** [email protected]. established pretty early in life. When you walk typical contents, and what do you have? A doll- 13 ø ørb Love, Nørb Rev. N
It’s hard to log data with a fist full of Jergens™.
{For clarity’s sake, in the first part of this col- gypped. This doesn’t sound like you at all PLAY, and do not yield anywhere near the umn, the italicized and bolded sentences are (Please. Cookie Monster was a very underrated proper amount of fucked-upness necessary for Nørb’s running commentary to the letters seek- vocalist.). The music’s all noisy and fast and a quality hire like SUM. Fuck Marshall™, ing advice, which are in italics. –Todd} screechy. Not very punk at all...(The funny fuck Rickenbacker™ – Crate™ and Kay™ are thing is that when said record – The Opera the Way and the Light. But, yeah – that album Dear Readership: Ain’t Over Til the Fat Lady Sings, on Reamed was kind of our sell-out album ‘cause of the Pork Records, the direct forebear of Bulge – pussy Marshall™ stack and Rickenbacker™ Good morning. I am Rev. Nørb. This is my was released [1984 i think], people who were [and also because we didn’t record it on a advice column. I have NO FUCKING IDEA familiar with the band’s live show felt that the boombox in our drummer’s bedroom, like our what i was thinking when i asked the powers- recording was “too clean” for SUM [dear read- track on the Barricaded Suspects compilation that-be if i could write an advice column for er: you’d kinda hafta hear the record to appre- {which just got rerelased on CD, even though Razorcake. It’s already obviously proving to be ciate the enormous craziness of that state- the only good song is “I Hate the Motorcyclist” the worst idea i’ve ever had since my idea for a ment... and, of course, since they’re apparently by the Dull, but please send me band copies nationwide chain of Latino Catholic gay bars retailing for $20k right now, if you weren’t anyway, whoever put it out}]. Brand Awareness called “Hole y Balls.” Actually, wait, i take that “fortunate” enough to score a copy during the is Freedom!) (oh, if you’ve never heard the back: Once, in my youth, i was at a party involv- eleven years it took me to shift all 1,000 units, album, let me put things in perspective for you: ing the making of blender drinks, and opted to that doesn’t appear real likely]; what’s really Jello Biafra™ bought about fifteen or twenty whip myself up a chunky and delicious beverage even funnier is that I AGREE [that is to say, “I copies during his lifetime to give to his “weird consisting of whiskey, ice cream, and bratwurst. DON’T OBJECCCCCT!!! I DON’T OBJEC- friends” [his words] for holiday gifts [“they That might’ve been an even stupider idea than CCCT!!!”] – as distorted, chaotic, noisy, out- don’t make records that fucked-up any more”] this one (in my youthful exuberance, i had for- of-tune and fucked-up as that record is, it is – mull THAT over, folks.) i think the guy was a gotten, of course, how repulsive i find the taste NOWHERE NEAR as distorted, chaotic, etc. total thief ‘cause it totally is you on this steam- of whiskey). I guarantee that the following let- as we really sounded. Two main reasons: #1) ing pile of turtle scrode... and now my dad is ters were made up by non-fictitious entities who We got all excited when we found out that the wigging out ‘cause he got his credit card state- are not myself (i could, obviously, make up studio guy had a Marshall™ stack we could ment and there’s this charge on there for much better fake letters if i was of a mind to), use in lieu of our guitar player’s $90 Crate™ $20,085 to a guy named Dicky Ballwhacker in and that, in essence, I’VE GOT ALL THE amp – the Crate™ delivered the most feedback- Poughkeepsie and he totally KNOWS i’m the ANSWERS, although i still am roundly unsure per-pound of any amplification device, ever, one who put it there and he says i’m grounded rb as to who stole the keeshka. and was the secret of our sound, which we did- until i turn eighteen which is a whole FIVE
ø n’t realize at the time, because we were a YEARS FROM NOW!!!! Nørb, you’re my only Dear Rev. Nørb: bunch of moronic teenagers from Wisconsin; hope. I need $20,085, Nørb, and seeing as I just wanna say that i’m a HUGE fan. That last and #2) Being the company guy that i am, i was you’re a big, rich punk singer ‘n’ all, i was won- Boris album was simply the bee’s knees and i practicing the bass parts in my bedroom the dering if you’d give it to me. (Well, if you’re actually had to go out and buy a second copy for night before we recorded, and broke my E- really a thirteen year old girl, i’ll CERTAINLY my best friend Missy ‘cause she wanted to bor- string. I replaced it with the E-string off my fucking “give it to you.” However, if it’s money Rev. N row my copy and i totally was like, uh, uh, i lis- first bass [which i wrecked on April 8, 1983, you want, do what i do when i need a couple ten to this bad boy DAILY.... Anyway, here’s my jumping off the stage into the pit during a set at thousand bucks i feel i’m rightfully owed: Call problem (Hey, if you actually liked the last the Wil-Mar Center in Madison opening for up Greg Ross at Go-Kart™ Records twice a Boris record, i already KNOW your problem.): H?sker D?... i got slammed further away from day and ask where your check is.) Like i said, About a month ago, i was searching through my amp than my cord would allow, and, like i’m your biggest fan and will be ‘til the day i eBay looking for all things Boris when i came any good $50 bass, instead of the cord just DIE, so can you help me out? Maybe if i pay my across a record by a band called Suburban coming out, the cord stayed IN and ripped the dad back, he’ll let me off restriction. I tried to Mutilation. The description said you were the plate and the wires right out of it, fatally gut- resell the album on eBay, but the most anyone singer or something, and ‘cause as i’m such a ting my axe beyond repair], which was cut will bid is $17.48 (Untrue. Mitch Cardwell big fan, i thought it would be great to hear some shorter than appropriate for my bought-new from HitList™ just paid $54 for a copy on totally dope non-Boris pop punk tunez. Next $150 Kay™ bass. Anyway, i got the thing to eBay™.). i’ll even give you the Suburban thing i know, i’m in this righteous bidding war stay on, thought it would be okay, was too Mutilation record and the address of the nobbler with some bitch named “Skank” or something cheap/punk to go buy new strings, and we got that ripped me off. Nørb PLEASE HELP! over this album. Every time i bid, she ups me by to the studio, tuned everything up, etc., etc., a nickel. Next thing i know, we’re up to $200.75 were ready to go, okay, TAPE ROLLING, thanks in advance, and she boosts it up to $200.80. And that’s when HERE WE GO, and i hit that first big “BWUR- Syndie Felchmonger it happened: i accidentally forgot to add the dec- RRRMMMMM!!!” on the E that starts off Beverly Hills, CA 90210 imal point in my bid and ended up bidding “Daddy Was a Nazi” – and the string just fuck- $20,085! Next thing i know, i’ve won the stupid ing FALLS OFF. Just PLOP! – and the string’s Dear Syndie: bid war and i’ve got some guy insisting that i lying on the floor. The studio guy let me use his My advice to you is to use whole dollar amounts HAVE to pay up. So, being the resourceful girl i Rickenbacker™, which was cool for about the when bidding online. eBay and other online bid- am, i charged it to daddy’s card, totally thinking first ten seconds when i thought i was Bruce ding sites do not require a decimal point to enter he’d never notice. Anyway, two weeks later i get Foxton™, but i quickly realized that RICKEN- valid bids. For example, the next time you are the album and put it on, and now i feel totally BACKER™ BASSES FUCKING SUCK TO bidding on a Suburban Mutilation album, enter “25,085” instead of “25,085.00.” You will even- miss the boat on Sally’s true calling: Mister Guitar Wolf, or even the CD remix of Raw tually recoup the money you overbid by avoid- Sock Puppet, unto thee i charge this sacred duty Power, as the results were a foregone conclu- ing future errors of this nature. Also, start – GET THEE TO A ROCK-O-METER, sion: The mouse would blow up. Big deal. As a spelling your first name with a “C.” TOOT SWEET!!! (you will doubtless recall result, the interest in Rock-O-Meter-ology atro- the Rock-O-Meter™ from the movie Rock ‘n’ phied; funds dried up; the discipline, for all Love, Roll High School – the scientific device into intents and purposes, ceased to be. But ah, Nørb which white mice could be inserted, then sub- Mister Sock Puppet! DOCTOR Sock Puppet! jected to various levels of rock-itude, in an What wondrous cogs of fertile inquiry you have ...our second letter is virtually as inane: attempt to catalog the ill effects of rock music set into motion in the precision-crafted on mammalian life forms. I assume any reason- Betamax™ of my mind! Rock-O-Meter-ology Dear Rev. Nørb, ably equipped high school science lab has one.) stalled fatally after the invention of the Hey uhm... I’ve got a slight problem. Well, my I mean, let’s face it: There really have been no Ramones only because no Rock-O-Meter-olo- friend, really... you see, my friend has got gist of times past had the foresight to see past this hamster named Sally... (That’s funny Variable X – the intensity of the rock-itude (not – there’s this guy who works in the same surprising, given the fact that they were all a building as me whose cross-dressing buncha squares [tho’ this could be belied by the identity is “Sally.” What’s really amus- fact that the Vince Lombardi High science lab ing about THAT is that he’s got these ca. 1979 clearly displayed signage making ref- business cards with his photo on it erence to not one but two Song Titles O’ Rock: labeled “owner,” and then a photo of “Silence Is Golden” by the Tremoloes {which “Sally” on the other side, labeled ain’t gonna blow up anyone} and “White “Receptionist” – and what’s funny about Mice” by Sweet {which actually might}]). THAT is that i can’t help but visualize HOWEVER! With your unwitting help, i can this guy sitting around in drag all day at see shimmering vistas of rebirth and renewal the receptionist’s desk, then dashing on the glorious Rock-O-Meter horizon! We around like Robin Williams in Mrs. can RESURRECT this noble field of scientif- Doubtfire, changing clothes in a madcap ic endeavor by making adjustments to frenzy whenever someone walks in.) and Variable Y – THE MASS OF THE TEST my, uh, friend thought it would look cool if SUBJECT!!! Is it not true, Mr. Pup, that, she spraypainted Sally entirely bright generally speaking, HAMSTERS ARE, IN green, and shaved and sprayed the sides of FACT, MUCH LARGER THAN MICE??? his head into a purple mohawk (Well, i’ll And would it not also be true, Mr. Pup, that run it past him at our next building cook- a test subject of GREATER MASS could out.). Well my friend is kind of... dumb. reasonably be expected to absorb a HIGH- (Yeah, i know. Ask her if you can tape her ER DOSE OF ROCK-ITUDE before Suburban Mutilation album sometime.) So exploding??? And COULD IT NOT AT she used that latex spraypaint crap. Now, LEAST BE THEORIZED, Mr. Pup, that a Sally’s fur is really stiff and he seems slight- LARGER TEST SUBJECT, SUCH AS ly retarted (Did somebody spray paint YOU YOUR HAMSTER, MIGHT (theoretical- bright green, or is your “retartation” con- ly) NOT (gasp!) BE ATOMIZED INTO A genital?). He’ll just lay on the little spinny CLOUD OF WHITE VAPOR BY ANY
wheel on her back, waving his paws up and ROCK FORCE OF LESSER INTENSITY Rev. N down and in circular motions. He walks in THAN, SAY, TEENGENERATE’S circles and squeaks incessantly during the COVER OF “THIS IS ROCK & ROLL” night (Are you sure you haven’t just trans- BY THE KIDS??? This, then, is your formed your hamster into Kobe Tai?). He CALLING, Mr. Pup! Let the jaded and the humps carrots. (Never mind. You turned him jaundiced mouth and re-mouth the hoary into Shay Sweet.) He gets out during the night rhetoric of “Has Science Gone Too ø and chews through my guitar strings and makes Far?”!!! By Thunders, if ye’re HALF the rb holes in my drums. Little bastard. Should i just Late Breaking Boris swab i thinks ye are, ye, as i, shall turn thy flush him already? European Vacation Photos back on times past, and turn thy front to A GLORIOUS NEW FUTURE OF Thanks, Pertaining to TOMORROW™ by asking “HAS SCI- -Mister Sock Puppet Last Issue’s Column. ENCE MAYBE NOT GONE FAR ENOUGH???!!?!?!!!” (and now, okay, Dear MSP: significant advances in Rock-O-Meter research fine, you’re saying “Sure, Rev. Nørb, you TALK The fact that your pet rodent’s newly acquired for over two decades, owing to the general a good Glorious New Future of Tomorrow. But attitude compels it to destroy your musical gear belief that Rock-O-Meter-ology had hit an evo- what are YOU doing in the name of Advancing is likely merely a heightened level of proactive lutionary dead end when Ramones-levels of Science? What experiments do YOU conduct in self-preservation brought about its having had rock-itude were charted. And this is understand- the name of glorifying tomorrow’s new future of the misfortune of being forced to listen to you able: As you know, when the laboratory mice futuristic newness?? Perhaps it is YOUR playing atonal accompaniments to White Stripes were subjected to relatively low levels of rock- Science, YOUR cerebrological kung-fu, that and Hives songs in a futile attempt to impress itude – Pat Boone, Kansas, Peter Frampton, The does not go far enough!” Feh! I resent the impli- your girlfriend once too often. Your pet has Lost Sounds – they exhibited little if any nega- cation, and refuse to respond to the Senator’s merely been given awareness of the age-old tive reaction (i already made the Fuck-Ups joke allegations! REV. NØRB’S FUCKING SCI- street maxim that “Talk Minus Chewing = 0”, in Flipside, sorry). Mid-grade Rolling Stones™- ENCE GOES ALL THE WAY, DADDY!!! And, and has taken steps to cut off the root of his type rock-itude levels caused noticeable agita- not that i owe anything to anyone who goes abuse at the source. Disregard these antics – it’s tion in the subjects however, and Ramones-level around naming their hamster after a fucking simply the price one pays sometimes for pet doses caused total combustion of the test ani- cross-dresser [and, Jesus, why “Sally,” of all the ownership, just as one or two completely mals, rendering future explorations of post- stoopid names, for his cross-dresser identity? If i devoured articles of furniture (hmm...wasn’t that Ramones rock-itude levels seemingly pointless: liked dressing up like a chick {which i do, but Vic Bondi’s old band?) per week is considered a IF YOU ROCK HARD ENOUGH, THE not often enough to warrant carving out a sepa- fair trade-off for all the years of great acquain- MOUSE WILL BLOW UP. End of story. rate personality for myself}, i’d give myself tance-mauling a young Rottweiller will provide. Therefore, to the best of my knowledge, no one some completely lunatic chick name, like Further, your short-sighted lack of scientific ever bothered to run a Rock-O-Meter study on “Torii” or something. Oh, wait, that’s a guy’s inquisitiveness has caused you to completely like Teengenerate, or “Roaring Blood” by name, unless the center fielder for 15 the Minnesota Twins is actually a chick. Well, ting in peep show booths, watching pornos pro- works out amazingly well, because, the first time whatever. I guess i’d just be “Nørbii” then, or is jected silently [save for the filthy whirrs and thru, it’s just like WHEE! PORNO! LOTION! that a guy’s name too? If so, has “Tomoko” been clicks of the movie projector] on the back of the SPURT! The second time thru, i’ve already taken?], but, since i, as Earth’s Greatest Rocker, stall door, but also allows the viewer his [or her] established a favorite scene, which is likely the have a certain public face to maintain, i will first opportunity to see anything he [or she] scene i jerk off to. The third time thru is proba- grace you with an overview of the project which might’ve liked the first time thru as something bly the same scene. Said scenes generally tend to – MERELY IN THE NAME OF SCIENCE, other than a sequence of static images. So you be girl/girl scenes, unless there’s a scene involv- AND THE REPUBLIC FOR WHICH IT jerk off again. This time through takes, like, ing an Asian female, in which case, i likely tape STANDS – i have currently whelmed myself, what, forty-five minutes or something, during both/all. The fourth, slow-mo time thru, i’m oft- body and soul: I call it... THE SPEEDCORE which time you SWEAR that you are the biggest times beginning to burn out on the girl/girl ENDEAVOR. In short, i’m jerking off to porno freak/dunce/fuckwad in the world, and will go to scene, which works out well: Slow motion is movies. I know, i know, big deal, right? Ah, but bed following the conclusion of the one-arrow- obviously meant for cum shots. Soooo... i tape NOW i’m jerking off to them on DVD. Is this fast taping. Which you don’t do, because by the any and all top-flight cum shot action, and jerk beginning to make sense yet? I’m also TAPING time the one-arrow-fast taping is completed, off for a ridiculous a fourth time. Then i eject the the DVDs onto VHS tapes [porno DVDs your interest has been piqued tape, mark it “SPEEDCORE X” [i alphabetize are rarely copy-protected, which i find the volumes using the QWERTYUIOP Model – fucking amazing, because even the DVD so volume one was Speedcore Q, volume two that came with my Mad Capsule Markets was Speedcore W, etc.], wash my hands, and CD was copy-protected]. Now, HERE’S go to bed. The amazing thing about this all is where it gets good: FIRST i tape [and jerk that i manage to jerk off FOUR TIMES in off to] the movie in fast motion – assuming under TWO HOURS, which i NEVER recall most DVD player conventions are more or having done under any other circumstances. I less the same as mine is, this initial run- mean, that’s a fucking LOT of seed spilt in a through is done on the “two clicks fast” relatively short interval in the name of sci- speed – where you hit the fast forward button ence; surely you grant me that? But anyway, twice, and two rightward-pointing arrows anyway, anyway – the scientist in you is like appear on the screen. In case you’re unfamil- YES, GREAT, WE LOVE TO HEAR YOU iar with the process, viewing DVDs at the REGALE US WITH TALES OF COPIOUS Rev. N double-fast speed is not like watching a MASTURBATION, WHAT THE FUCK videotape on fast-forward, where the move- DOES THIS HAVE TO DO WITH SCI- ment is merely sped up: Double-clicking the ENCE??? Well, glad you asked that, Mr. Pup. fast-forward button causes the movie to play What it has to do with science is that i, Rev. as a rapidly-progressing series of still images, Nørb, am preparing my neurological systems so it’s sort of like watching a quickly-moving for THE EVENTUAL PERILOUS HOP TO ø rb slide show [minus the commentary by Patty THE SIX-AND-A-HALF-DIMENSIONAL B- and Selma], therefore, watching a porno movie SIDE UNIVERSE!!! I will, for the uninitiat- on double-fast is like PUSSY. PUSSY AT AN ed, summarize the origins of my theories of ANGLE. HIP. ASS. ASS AT A DIFFERENT the nature of the B-side universe: 1. ANGLE. ASS FURTHER AWAY FROM Physicists have, for the last decade or so, CAMERA AND PART OF BACK. ENTIRE postulated that our universe has “ten or BACKSIDE AND BACK OF HEAD. ENTIRE eleven” dimensions; 2. There are differing BACKSIDE AND BACK OF HEAD AT DIF- theories on where the other Mystery FERENT ANGLE. Etc. You’re kind of just jerk- Dimensions are; some say that the missing ing off to a riot of fast-changing sexual imagery six or seven dimensions are all wrapped up [needless to say, Science suggests you spare not in a tiny ball somewhere, others that the the mind-altering substances during research, so missing dimensions form a “dwarf twin” long as they do not impair your ability to ejacu- universe; 3. It’s theorized that these late]. A standard five-to-six scene porno DVD is unknown dimensions splitting from our over in about, i dunno, ten minutes? Fifteen? known dimensions was the cause [result?] Five? I never timed it. It’s hard to log data with of the Big Bang, but, hmm, now that i think a fist full of Jergens™. Anyway, when that’s about it, 4. How many dimensions does our done, i run ‘er again – this time just one arrow It’s already obviously universe have, anyway? Scientists will fast. As opposed to two-arrows-fast motion, one- proving to be the worst generally say “three spatial dimensions arrow-fast motion IS actually like watching a and one temporal dimension,” but 5. Is sped-up videotape, not a sequence of still images idea i’ve ever had since that three dimensions or four dimensions, then? [obviously, from a technical standpoint, every my idea for a nationwide And 6. Why is it the standard view of Science motion picture is ultimately a sequence of still chain of Latino Catholic that “space” and “time” are “the same” – hence images... but you know what i mean]. One- the expression “space/time” – but that the arrow-fast speed also has the misfortune of gay bars called dimensions we experience fall into two different yielding a soundtrack of sorts – fragmented blips “Hole y Balls.” categories, “spatial” and “temporal?” Therefore and blurts as the movie cruises along – but, obvi- 7. wouldn’t i be justified in saying that we live in ously, anyone who’s watched pornographic films again. The third time thru, i just tape my favorite a “three or four” dimensional universe, since no in any quantity realizes that these things are scene – or my favorite scene plus parts of any one can give a clear, unqualified answer if our always best viewed with the MUTE button hit other scenes i might particularly dig – in regular universe is 3D or 4D, and, thusly 8. doesn’t it and the stereo on anyway [my new fave porno motion. Invariably – assuming there’s one pretty strike you, then, as a bit odd, that the total num- soundtrack music is the Beat Beat Beat series of good scene in the movie, which there usually is ber of dimensions is put at “ten or eleven,” the Merseybeat rarities double CD sets, which cause – the fact that the motion is now slowed down to total number of Mystery Dimensions is “six or all manner of happy lab accidents to occur: real time speed, and the duration of said scene seven,” and the total number of dimensions we Johnny Sandon & the Remo Four singing about now appears like an near-endless visual sexual experience in our universe is “three or four?” making a “magic potion...to stimulate her devo- buffet [as opposed to “fast food” and “energy Like, they’re ALWAYS within ONE of the tion” during an ejaculation sequence; Danny bar”] renews prurient interest, and i jerk off a authoritative dimension count, but never closer Storm and the Strollers urging “let the sun shine third time. When all this merry fol-de-rol is com- or further away THAN one? Therefore, from this in... on my backdoor one day” during the obvi- pleted, i go back to my favorite PARTS of data, i, Rev. Nørb, Earth’s Greatest Rocker and ous activity, etc...]. Therefore, the sped-up [yet scenes, and tape them in slow motion [PAUSE + Scientist At Large, have hypothesized the fol- still “realistic”] pace, coupled with the MUTE the fast forward button, from one to three arrows lowing Theory Of The Six-And-A-Half- option, hearkens wistfully back to the days of sit- slow {one being the slowest}]. This usually Dimensional B-Side Universe: 17 The reason everyone is always off by exactly REEEZE [oh, and i’m SURE that was intention- areas alternate with couple shot areas between ONE dimension is because there’s one dimen- al and not a spelling error; pornographers are an the stripes) • 21 (white) ELVIS is ALIVE • 22 sion that is common to both universes: Time. erudite bunch]. The two-arrow-fast session tran- (couple shot with black burst shape coming in Further, the original [or at least preceding] uni- spired as scheduled. During the first scene of the from top right) • 23 (black) WE WE we we WE verse was eleven-dimensional. The Big Bang one-arrow-fast screening, i saw something that we • 24 (couple shot with black burst shape com- was caused by the fourth dimension, Time, looked like an unscheduled blip flash on the ing in from top left) • 25 (white) are DEAD • 26 shearing in half [or at least into two different screen. I backed things up, and ran the blip at (crude drawing of singer, maybe Elvis, in white hunks] ‘cause it was DEFECTIVE! FAULTY! normal speed. It lasted approximately a second outline with black interior, superimposed over FUCKED UP! PLANNED OBSOLESCENCE, I and a half [my stopwatch said 1.45 seconds couple) • 27 (black) INFORMATION is SAY!!! There’s three dimensions on our side of when i timed it later; since the blip appears to POWER • 28 (black screen with couple shot par- the time-rupture; six on theirs, and both univers- contain forty-eight different frames, and the tially visible in various broken horizontal stripe es share the cracked dimension in the middle, video equipment i most recently used used a thir- shapes) • 29 (white) SUSPICION BREEDS Time [which is why Time behaves so screwily ty-frames-per-second format, the blip might be CONFIDENCE • 30 (black) A STILL • 31 • compared to Length, Width, and Depth]. as much as 1.6 seconds long]. I ran it on slow- (white) TOUNGE (sic) • 32 (crude possible However since we [and they] only have tongue shape in black w/white outline superim- access to HALF the fourth dimension, posed over couple shot) • 33 (black) MAKES A we’re stuck going one way on it. Like, we HAPPY • 34 (white) LIFE • 35 (black) got the northbound lanes, they got the WATCH MORE TV • 36 (what appears to be southbound lanes, and there’s no exits. the word “MOJO” written across couple shot IT’S WORSE THAN THE FUCKING in huge scrawly crazy letters with some parts INDIANA TOLLWAY!!! Both our 3.5 white and other parts see-thru) • 37 (white) dimensional universe, and their 6.5 dimen- WATCH MORE TV • 38 (white cross shapes sional universe, exist in the same place, at over partially black, partially couple shot the same time, BUUUUUUUUUTTTT... background) • 39 (black) LOVE is HATE • 40 they’re going backwards in time as we’re (white) BOMBS KEEP US FREE • 41 (radi- going forwards [my apologies to anyone ating black spike shapes superimposed over who already read this stream of horseshit couple) • 42 (black) know future • 43 (vague-
elsewhere], so, if Reality was a big cassette ly populuxe black & white design superim- Rev. N tape with the Briefs on one side and the Spits posed over couple) • 44 (white) EVERY on the other, our “Silver Bullets” is their THING • 45 (huge asterisky type shape over “Take Back the Alley.” Now, i, Reverend couple) • 46 (black) ANSWER AUTHORI- Nørb, Earth’s Greatest Rocker And Damn TY • 47 (black) YOU KNOW • 48 (white) Proud Of It, have come to the conclusion that ALL HAIL RONNI RAYGUN! ...then the i, Reverend Nørb, Earth’s Greatest Rocker chick takes off the guy’s clothes, he gets on ø etc., am some day, whether i like it or not, his knees and goes down on her, she goes rb going to die. I find this somewhat unaccept- down on him, he goes back down on her able. Now, i realize that there are various [Richard! My man!] on a lawnchair, then earthly theories on how one might best side- they fuck doggy style by the pool. But, step Oblivion, and that’s fine. However, i occa- yeah, the whole Blip took 1.6 seconds max, sionally am struck with the feeling that, uh, with each of the 48 frames cataloged above perhaps no one is really minding the store lasting, presumably, 1/30 of a second. upstairs, and i’d best come up with a Plan B. Obviously, discovery of this message sure- This is my Plan B: Sometime during my life- ly indicates that i am, without question, the time, i gotta find some way to fling myself Chosen One; destined to hop the Time across to the other side of the time rupture. Then Chasm as often as i see fit and to live for all i can just chill out in the 6.5 dimensional B-side motion, and it still went by Loopy Eternity. It is not often that a guy universe – where Time, as we understand it, too quickly, so i went frame-by-frame sitting home jerking off to porno movies flows backwards – until i’m about four years old through it. Let me set the scene: American can make this claim, but... let’s face it: My sexu- in this universe again. Then i’ll fling myself back CHERIES starts with a nude [and quite service- al experiences are way fucking more post-three- here, and start heading forwards thru Time again, able, meow meow] girl, butt to the camera, mak- dimensional than yours, and i don’t even have and i’ll keep doing it until i think of something ing out with some goon who looks kind of like anyone helping me right now. The applications better to do, like riding first the Up and then the my old boss Richard from Domino’s™ on for internship are available thru Razorcake). Down escalators between the 3rd and 4th floors steroids. For no apparent reason, there is then... Anyway, Pup, the only thing you need to remem- of Younkers™ or something. To pull this off, The Blip. Slowed down from its original 1.6 sec- ber is that you gotta make sure your hamster is however, i am almost certainly going to have to ond maximum possible duration, here is, frame- white before you try to blow him up; otherwise demolish my preexisting concepts of Time; the by-frame, what flashed on the screen. “Black” it’s cruelty to animals. Therefore, my advice to moment of orgasm, regardless of the banality of means a solid black background with white let- you is this: Throw your hamster, alive, into a its production, must somehow [i’m guessing] ters; “White” means white background w/black large pail of either peroxide or bleach (remem- throw some manner of electrochemical spike letters [the numbers are not part of The Blip]. 1 ber, only albinos can be blown up without inflict- into the usual tepid morass of psycho-neural (black): LOVE IS HATE • 2 (white) BOMBS ing needless pain). Sooner or later, his fur should activity – therefore, ejaculating four times while KEEP US FREE • 3 (black) TASTE is the be really white and his eyes should be really red watching the same porno imagery played at four ENEMY of ART • 4 (large star shape over the (i’m immune! suburban disease! ...er, sorry, that different speeds can’t HELP but begin to couple) • 5 (white) minds are for PEOPLE who was lame), at which point in time he’s fair game rearrange my brain and nervous system into a THINK • 6 (black) beLIEve • 7 (white) WHAT • for Rock-O-Meter testing. Report back with your format tending towards greater compatibility 8 (black) YOU • 9 (white) ARE TOLD • 10 findings, and i’ll see about the status of your with our 6.5 dimensional B-side twins. Plus, i (black) you WANT • 11 (crazy scrawly hand let- grant. Thank you for advancing humanity. mean, come on, jerking off successfully four tering that’s black, white, and partially see-thru Løve, times in two hours, that’s fab and gear! Now, of over the couple) ELVIS • 12 (white) TRUTH • Nørb course, i realize that you are all Men [and 13 (black) but you NEED • 14 (black) LIES • 15 This ends another exciting installment of my Women] of Science here, and you’re naturally (black) MONEY is the ROOT of ALL • 16 advice column. Please send your questions to skeptical of my genius. See that you are. You (screen mostly black, white horizontal stripe at me, Rev. Nørb, at either PO Box 1173, Green likely wish to see some manner of tangible result top, shot of couple partially visible above stripe) Bay WI 54305 USA Earth, or stemming from my research into the Speedcore • 17 (white) FREEDOM • 18 (bottom two-thirds
Sounds like Caesar should’ve started wolfing down less drive-thru and more CAESAR SALADS once the pack of hot dogs appeared mysteriously on the back of his neck. responsible – adj. 1. Accountable, ic of obese children. He argued that The plaintiffs include a Bronx that they always believed that as for something within one’s the high fat, sugar, and cholesterol teenager who ate every meal at McDonald’s was healthy for their power. 2. Involving duties or content of McDonald’s food is “a McDonald’s for three years while children, their genius reasoning obligations. 3. Being the source very insipid, toxic kind of thing” living in a homeless shelter. Um, being that they never saw anything or cause of something. 4. Having when scarfed on a regular basis by yeah – you’re fucking HOMELESS in the McDonald’s restaurants they the capacity to make moral deci- young kids. A regular basis, you and eating at McDonald’s three visited providing information about sions. 5. Able to discharge obliga- say? Well, NO SHIT, Sammy-boy. times a day for three years? Only in the ingredients in the food. Calling tions or pay debts. 6. Reliable all dumbasses, calling all dumb- or dependable. Illustration by Art Fuentes asses – the last time you visited McDonald’s, do you remember The definition seems clear looking clearly over the counter enough, doesn’t it? If you can and seeing those steel, square- comprehend what you read, it is. shaped vats with the boiling liq- Yet there are some people stuck uid inside them? They ain’t in that bass-ackward dimension jacuzzis, dickheads! Believe it of our existence who seem to or not, those vats are called think that any kind of responsi- deep fryers. The bubbling liquid bility is someone else’s chore to in the vats is called cooking oil handle. Recently, this display of and those baskets they drop idiotic (and fucking sickening) down into that cooking oil are proportion has once again been full of french fries. Wow! brought to my attention – the Submerging french fries in obesity lawsuits against the cooking oil to cook ‘em? McDonald’s corporation. And by Whodda thunkit!? I want to per- the way, folks, let’s get one thing sonally meet these parents and out on the table here – in no way offer to sell them the Brooklyn am I defending McDonald’s, or Bridge at a really good market any other corporation for that price. If they are REALLY as matter. That’s not the reason why stupid as their “claims” about I’m about to go into detail here. McDonald’s, I’m going to be We all know that there are horns one rich motherfucker. RICH, I holding up McDonald’s gleam- tells ya! ing halo, absolutely. The agenda But it gets better, dear reader – with this particular column is believe it or not, these lawsuits about taking a look on how aren’t just simply restricted “for ridiculously fucking stupid peo- the children”. Earlier this past ple can seem, or, god forbid, real- July, fifty-six-year-old Caesar ly are. We clear on this? Good. Barber had filed a suit with the This past November, lawyers Supreme Court of New York filed a class-action lawsuit against McDonald’s, Burger against McDonald’s on behalf of King Corp., KFC Corp. and New York children who have Wendy’s International. Caesar’s suffered health problems, includ- blaming the chains for making ing diabetes, high blood pressure, him and others overweight, as and obesity. Well, excuse me for “Young individuals are not in a America. Another is a thirteen- well as raising his risk of illness saying, but I think I can safely position to make a choice after the year-old boy from Staten Island related to being overweight. In his guess that McDonald’s food isn’t onslaught of advertising and pro- who says he ate McDonald’s food case, Mr. Barber, a 5’10”, 272- the only thing the in state of New motions,” Hirsch said in an inter- three to four times a week and is pound maintenance worker, said he York (or anywhere else) that causes view. Well, shit the bed, Samuel! now 5’4” and 278 pounds. Well, had heart attacks in 1996 and 1999, health risks among children. And Sure! Why point any amount of can I ask what ELSE this Staten and has diabetes, high blood pres- aren’t children’s eating habits sup- blame to the parents, let alone older Island ferry was stuffing down his sure, and high cholesterol. Sounds posed to be watched over by their children, who are smart enough to throat the REST of the week? like Caesar should’ve started wolf- lazy, goddamn parents or guardians know better, when you can blame Wheat germ? Alfalfa sprouts? ing down less drive-thru and more to begin with? It obviously appears our ol’ whipping post television or Please – don’t insult my fucking CAESAR SALADS once the pack not. In federal court in Manhattan, a print ads? Why not go after toy intelligence. But what really slaps of hot dogs appeared mysteriously lawyer named Samuel Hirsch companies while you’re at it, you the shit-flavored icing on the cake on the back of his neck. alleged that McDonald’s has creat- douchebag? here is the parents of these chil- Brad Lerman, McDonald’s ed a national epidem- dren. These parents are claiming leading lawyer in these recent 20 cases, has summed it up best. actions. People shouldn’t just just how you’ll land – flat on He insists these lawsuits are a want to. They need to. Period. your back? (Chris!) Face first? frivolous attempt to cash in on McDonald’s is no stranger Landing on and wiping out a the Golden Arches, “the kind from being brought to court by table full of glasses and/or bot- of lawsuit that shouldn’t be in senseless shits who would tles? Or how about the ever- court,” he says. Going further, probably have someone else popular (but always accidental) Lerman says “People don’t go wipe their ass for them if it feet-first-into-someone’s-girl- to sleep thin and wake up were possible. Remember the friend-thereby-starting-a-full- obese. The understanding and hot coffee incident against scale-fistfight? Then there’s the comprehension of what ham- McDonald’s with the seventy- occasional ass-kickings burgers and french fries do has nine-year-old bat who spilt cof- brought on by unnecessary been with us for a long, long fee on herself in her car? She sparring with the security of time.” Absolutely. It couldn’t removes the lid to add cream the clubs. be any clearer. Ya know, Mr. and sugar while trying to bal- Undeniably, any of these Lerman, we should also take ance the cup between her legs, injuries are the responsibility the time here to comment to accidentally splashing it of the person wishing to cut these sue-happy fucks that around and burns herself pretty loose at a show – not the own- washing those hamburgers and good. Hey, fuckface – coffee is ers of the venues themselves. fries down with McDonald’s HOT, remember? VERY hot. It’s easy to understand why milkshakes (or ANY milk- Unless you get it ICED, don’t some places close so easily – shake, for that matter) can add sit there and dick around with it not because of fun-loving to the glutton’s problem as half-assedly, because you- unruliness, but because of sky- well. know-what might happen. But rocketing insurance premiums McDonald’s has asked what the hell – if you do get brought on by the “not my chil- Judge Robert Sweet to dismiss hurt by your own stupidity, just dren”-type of parents. Hey, the case, arguing those who go to court and cause a domino Mommy and Daddy, if you filed the claims cannot show effect of laws for drive-up win- were responsible enough your- their health problems were dows to post dummy signs for self, you’d teach your kids the caused by Big Macs and insist- fucks like yourself who don’t golden rule – you play, you ing the company has never know how to handle hot liq- pay. As it is, clubs and/or misled customers about its uids. Jesus Christ, what’s next? venues have enough problems food. The judge did not imme- Suing a hotel chain because a with jackassalopes in court diately rule on the request, and rush of hot water suddenly whining about how their drunk to me that’s a scary thought erupts out of a showerhead and driving was caused due to the because this recent snafu reddens someone’s back? fact that the bartender gave against McDonald’s could Don’t laugh. Things just as them too much to drink. That cause a chain reaction of class ridiculous have been brought the bartender gave them too action lawsuits from all those up on the courtroom chopping much to drink? Hey, Tipsy others who choose to waive block. Several cases of kids McStagger, I have a suggestion their own eating responsibili- who have hurt themselves for you – why not fatally wrap ties, aka, pass the buck. Add to stagediving have been brought your vehicle around a tree the that, there are already those to court, from small clubs, to next time you decide to drive campaigning this very moment large hall venues, right up to drunk solo? You’ll save the who argue that junk food such festivals like Lollapalooza. The owner of the place you’re as Big Macs should be taxed in parents of these youngsters blaming your own stupidity on the same way as cigarettes. actually have the gall to testify some time, not to mention the They say the billions of dollars in court that whoever’s in expensive, tax-paid courtroom raised from the “fat tax”, also charge of the venue (that their time. More importantly, it known as “heavy duty”, should little darling was injured at) would mean fewer finger- be used to fund anti-obesity assumes the responsibility of pointing fucks like yourself education programs. Fuck that. the safety of their kid. breathing my air. Corpses don’t It sounds a lot like the tobacco WRONG. Once again – pass- need no air. tax that the Duke of Dimwits, ing the buck. ANYONE who What I’m trying to get at, Rob Reiner, rallied for out here has taken part in this wild folks, is that responsibility is in California and helped to abandon at a gig knows the nothing new, believe it or eventually succeed. Where’s consequences of spring-board- don’t. It’s been around since all that tobacco tax money ing off a stage and into an audi- the dawn of time, it’s not a going anyway, Rob? All that ence. For starters, the crowd four-letter word, and any one supposed healthcare? I live out might not be that receptive in person who honestly has a here in So. Cal. and I haven’t catching your flailing-fish-out- problem with what I touched seen a friggin’ penny of it put of-water ass and will part like on here obviously has a person- to use. Must be in the bank, the Red Sea, but you’re already al problem with the “right and gaining interest, or lining pock- airborne off the stage… crash. wrong” grasp on life, aka, ets, furthering special interest. The person who jumps straight “their ass and a hole in the Kind of like the school’s share into the stage lighting or air ground”. I think I can rest of the California Lotto. Makes duct hanging from the ceiling? assured that the beady eyes one think. And for those of you Smash. I remember seeing a reading this column have quite who don’t remember, Reiner guy open up his whole fore- a bit of sense stuffed up in that played a hippie named head on an air duct above the noggin’ of theirs, though. How “Meathead” in that great old stage during a Big Drill Car do I know? You’ve all got a television show from the ‘70s, show at Bogart’s (RIP) in Long copy of Razorcake in your All In The Family. Go figure. Beach, CA years back. He kept dirty little hands, don’t you? What I’m trying to say here on rockin’, though. Staggering I’m Against It is that people need to take about, but rockin’. Then there’s –Designated Dale responsibility for their own also the likely occurrence of
Later, we got into an argument over who was going to pay for the shots, which is the best kind of argument to have with an off-duty bartender. Recollections from why I was invited, nor did I ask. thing, the answer was always Him: Eight dollars. “everything’s under control” even Philadelphia I made my to the North Star Bar, Me: I’m on the list. if the person who was claiming where the patrons signaled the bar- Him: I don’t have a list. authority over the situation was I have recently returned from tender for more grog by tapping Me (appreciating the difficult posi- dressed like a gay sailor. I don’t say Philadelphia, a city that strives to their glasses with hooks affixed to tion this man is in, who in a former this out of disrespect to gays, capitalize on its relationship to the prosthetic devices and a diseased life was a Ukrainian ice fisherman sailors, or gay sailors. Gary Numan founding of the world’s most dom- parrot squawked quotations from who had endured bitter cold, brutal once told me during an interview inant democracy. This, however, is Madame Bovary in French. work and rough sport with his fel- the secret to performing is to look pretty much a farce as the real low fisher folk, but was now like you belong in the song. As heavy lifting (menacing and mas- The establishment was divided into reduced to simply looking like he’d soon as I heard I’d be reading at a sacring of indigenous peoples) was four rooms: 1) the bar proper, be up for any trouble I might care to place called the North Star Bar, a done elsewhere. There is a strange which was equipped with a lots of start while restraining from starting “uniform” popped into my head. A cult at work in the city, which con- theme came into being. A verts perfectly rational peo- motif, if you will. ple into rabid Eagles fans. They congregate at the river Description of “uniform”: One every Sunday morning in pair of pointy white shoes with weird-smelling hats accented crepe soles (a.k.a. Creepers), with bald eagle feathers to do one pair of charcoal Dickies, calisthenics, pass bilge leav- one belt studded with three ings from mouth to mouth rows of pyramid spikes, a and engage in other rituals. sleeveless black shirt with Strangers to Philadelphia will decorative epaulets adorned be happy to know that there is with metal stars, a striped tie, indeed much brotherly love and a sailor hat like the one the in evidence, an example of Skipper wore in the television which I observed firsthand in sitcom Gilligan’s Island. The a taxi cab when the driver uniform revealed several of asked my permission before my nautically themed tattoos, berating another driver as a which are mandatory for vet- “stupid cock-sucking, moth- erans of the U.S. Navy, of er-fucking cunt.” Also, I had which I am one. the strangest urge to dress like a gay sailor, an urge I did Was I aware that in certain not resist. parts of nearly every city in America my uniform would After a long voyage by plane send signals about my sexual and shorter trips by train and preference that were not con- subway, I made it my hotel with four legged devices called stools; any of his own): I’m on the list. sistent with my actual sexual pref- just enough time to get changed, 2) the pool room (self explanatory) Him: Oh. erence? indulge aforementioned urges, fill a festooned with ads for bands that [Stamps hand.] flask with twelve-year-old Irish would soon appear in the 3) perfor- Me: This is my guest. She’s on the Yes. whiskey and make it to the gig. mance area, which had a stage, a list. small orchestra pit, a mixing board Him: Which list? Did I care? I had been asked a few days prior to and another bar; and 4) a loft, Me: The one you don’t have. the event if I’d like to emcee a read- reachable by stairs and served as a Him: Oh. No. ing at the North Star Bar in place of kind of opium den where Chinese [Stamps hand.] Neal Pollack, whose immense junkies slept on thin mats and The only people my uniform would demand on the geopolitical front dreamt of sampans stuffed with I walked around, got to know the upset or provoke would be homo- had prevented him from attending. crabs that clacked their claws to the essential personnel (the soundman, phobes, and who really gives a fuck This reading was part of the 215 beat of “Get Down On It (Get Your the bartender, the booker, the per- what a homophobe thinks anyway? Literary Festival, which featured Backs Up Off the Wall)” formers, the long-fingered gnome As long as I didn’t refer to anyone distinguished writers like Dave with the spiked club) and generally with a wink as my “Good Buddy” Eggers, Zadie Smith, Jeffrey There was a large man who sat at a engaged the performers and profes- everything would be fine. Eugenides, Sarah Vowell, Gabe stool barring entrance to the perfor- sionals in a professional and engag- Hudson, Ben Marcus, Jonathan mance area. Our first conversation ing manner so that when the people I greeted the crowd and read a short Ames and many oth- went something like this. in charge asked if I needed any- list of instructions, including unsea- 22 ers. I do not know manlike behavior for which they Popeye the sailor’s bastard, who friend who is sleeping with Susie. bought them beers instead. would be flogged (pronouncing stabs his father in the eye in a low An off-duty bartender volunteered poem with two syllables, wearing class of brothel in Haiphong. I got to play Dan. Aside from some grip- The buzz from the back of the socks with sandals, etc.) off the stage and let Lefty’s ing about not having enough lines, room by the bar, which had been Interestingly, this latter rule both- Deceiver do their thing. They the actors acquitted themselves audible all night, grew consider- ered a good many of my new played a loud, energetic set that admirably. But the real star was ably louder. The performance area acquaintances, and I passed the brought to mind mid- to late-’90s bartender Dan. He got into his role, was packed with people. They buck back to David Foster Wallace, Superchunk before they went all which included violent spasms and were ready for the headliners, no stranger to inappropriate head- shoe gazer. The bartender bought jerks. He was so good it would not Bigger Lovers. I read a super short gear, whom I copped it from. me a beer because I “had to read surprise me if some of the people piece, made a few half-hearted and stuff.” in the audience thought he was a attempts to provoke the audience, The first band was called Vinnie’s ringer, a professional actor, or per- received a few half-hearted heck- Tampon Case. They were a self- Many writers who had read at the haps even a robot. He was awe- les, and relinquished the stage for professed cross between a rock and Philadelphia Free Library earlier some. Later, we got into an argu- the night. roll band and a school play. The that evening were assembled in the ment over who was going to pay performance involved a guitar pool room drinking and talking for the shots, which is the best kind At the bar, my new friends brought player dressed as a tree, a singer with people who’d come to see of argument to have with an off- me celebratory shots, which we dressed as a hunter, a cardboard them read. It was very egalitarian duty bartender. drank from tin cups brought back horse and the narrator named and the writers that I talked to were from Sir Ernest Henry Vinnie. The set consisted of two approachable and arresting. It start- One of the rules of being an emcee Shackleton’s Transantarctic songs, a story in two acts. A hunter ed to become clear that the festival is that implications that the audi- Expedition. We ate dried strips of walks into a wood. She is forlorn. had split into two festivals, one ence is somehow affiliated with caribou meat and stuffed hardtack There are bears in the woods and rock and roll, and one literary, and local neo-Nazi movements are to down one another’s pants for the she is nervous because she doesn’t there was several noisy speaker be avoided. This is a rule I have sheer thrill of it. One by one we have a tampon case. But then cabinets and a former Ukrainian never found much use for and shuffled out the door and tumbled someone does bring her a tampon fisherman that kept them apart. promptly broke it while introduc- into cabs or climbed aboard scoot- case, made by Vinnie (duh) and she (This is a gross oversimplification. ing Jim Roll, who probably wishes ers adorned with “$60 a quarter- is happy again. The end. After the Everyone knows festival division I hadn’t. I retired to the loft with a ounce is a crime” stickers. Black- set I told Vinnie’s brother, whom has seven discrete stages, including three-hundred-pound Chinese drug hatted figures clutching brooms I’d mistaken for Vinnie, how much but not limited to Mitosis, Halitosis lord, who was known to ride shot into the sky. There was a I enjoyed the set. Where was and Met him pike hoses.) around town on a moped, and strange sound coming from the Vinnie? Selling tampon cases smoked opium with several of his naval yard and I could smell the (again: duh). For my next reading, I had brought concubines while the drug lord sulfurous smell of ancient bird numerous highlighted copies of a heckled the drummer between guano. My run in Philly was up. It I went up on stage and read a short short story about a love triangle songs. I briefly considered selling was time to get back to L.A. story whose central conceit is that involving a man named Dan, his some of my new friends into slav- it is told from the point of view of girlfriend Susie, and Dan’s best ery, but went downstairs and -Money
5 The Twisted Balloon
Rich Mackin Bike helmets have got to be the stupidest looking things on the planet, arguably after faux hawks and Carrot Top. For years, Todd has been trying from scratch for the truly DIY want to make a statement and not and Carrot Top. Riding without a to get me to write a column about punks. If not totally built from stick around to answer follow up helmet looks cooler, but getting polyamory or food ingredients. He scratch, bicycles are easily chopped questions or get beat up. brain damage tends to make you almost got one this issue, but last and remade into works of art with look not so cool, so a good com- minute decisions cause me to write pedals, and such work is not as Bike Locks promise is a skate helmet. Football about bikes instead. scrutinized by the state as a car If you have a bike, get a lock, and other helmets not only work, I just finished a book on would be (and with good reason, then lock your bike. Ideally, you but also add that thrift store mis- Critical Mass (a monthly bike ride, since bikes also don’t have pollut- lock your bike by having the lock matched fashion the kids are into. traditionally on the last Friday of ing emissions.) go through a wheel, the bike, and Just make sure that you consider to the month, during the evening com- So, here are some random something that is attached to the protect the parts of your head most mute. See my book review this thoughts on bikes… ground or a building. This is an likely to smash into something, and issue for more details) and was too important point – I saw someone also don’t decorate in ways that sick to ride in the NYC Critical Art and Protest Bikes lock a bike frame to a four-foot-tall defeat the purpose – i.e. drilling Mass on Buy Nothing Day. (At the The art bike is easier than the signpost with the sign no longer holes that allow the helmet to time I was in Norwalk, located in art car in that you can add tempo- attached. If I wanted to, I could crack, or use paints and glues that the penis tip of Connecticut, almost rary decorations without as much have easily lifted the bike and rid- affect the chemistry of the thing. in NYC, for Thanksgiving. A lesson concern of them flying off when den away on it, the only function of to those who don’t eat a lot of dairy driving. (And if they do, you can the lock being an annoying noise as Bike Riding Tips – ask your crazy relatives if they more easily turn around and get it clanged to the frame. If you have from Your Friendly loaded up potatoes with sour cream them.) Unlike dressing in costume things like easily removable wheels before eating.) So, I have all this Dictator as a pedestrian, an art bike allows or detachable seat, lock them, too. I Bikes are vehicles. This means bike energy pent up that I doubt some detachment (you aren’t a mean, sure, you know your area would be satisfied with a ride in the they are traffic. This means they freak, you are a person with a better than I do, so maybe you don’t belong on the street. On one level, 20-degree Boston weather, so I freaky bike) and easy getaway if need to do all this, but as a whole, I write instead. this means that people driving cars you live somewhere with a lot of find that in most cities, thirty sec- will have to deal. I am not saying An old roommate once noted frat boys or rednecks who disap- onds of bike lock time is worth the trend of bike punks getting huge don’t take up more room than you prove of signs of creativity. Bikes however long it might take to carry need to thwart cars, nor am I saying in the area and asked where all the are easily painted for the novice, a bike with one wheel home. If you Rich Mackin to disregard the physics of a car-on- bikes were last year? Were all the and can have any number of wings, can’t lock the bike to something bikes in garages getting lonely? His bike collision. But you have as attachments, or even outer shells like a signpost or fence (or in much right to drive your vehicle as wording was mostly in reference to created for them. For those that utopias such as Minneapolis, a bike his belief that these kids wouldn’t the motorist, unless there is signage don’t want a major production, rack) at least lock the wheel to the saying otherwise. On another level, still be biking as much in a year. simple decorations, such as a sign bike. Someone could still carry it (Indeed, the kid who got “bike I am saying that sidewalks are in the front of the handlebar (where off if they really wanted, but at least called sidewalks for a reason. Sure, punx” tattooed on his knuckles the number would be on a BMX they can’t ride it off. An unlocked started the laser removal before a in some parts of Boston, the side- bike) are easily added. My friend bike is not just something to steal, walk is the size of the street, except year passed, but then again, this is Kelly mounted a plastic skull in the it’s providing the thief with a get- someone who lectured me on one has lots of fast cars and one has center, so the handlebars gave the away vehicle. This would be like a few slow pedestrians, so the straight edge over the summer and appearance of horns. A luggage leaving your car keys in your car was drunk off a 40 last week.) cyclist usually chooses safety and rack (useful on its own right) makes door. (Or repeatedly leaving your sanity over technicality, but as a But, for all my roommate’s for a good sign mount or flagpole friend’s keys in his car door, which pointed mockery, he failed to see whole, riding your bike on the side- holder. I have a few flags (pirate, is partially why I don’t bring a cer- walk is just being a jerk. Use your the logic of the bike as a punk corporate America) on light wood tain person on tours any more. accessory. While most bikes are the judgement, but consider if your poles that easily affix to the angled Also, make your bike look either biking is worth annoying everyone products of corporations, the com- rear frame of my bike’s rack. This personal or crappy – decorate it panies that make bikes are less like- else. At least, if you need to be on allows an angled display, which with stickers, whatever. Nothing the sidewalk, consider that maybe ly to be tied with crime and pollu- keeps the flag away from me and appeals to a bike thief more than a tion or Hitler (see Retodd’s article you can coast more and not have to the wheels, and also lets the flag nice, new, perfect bike. Especially pedal at breakneck speeds. on noted Nazi-supporter and anti- hang down, making a nice flag if you are dumb enough to have a Semite Henry Ford in issue #7) and wave as I ride. Going to a protest? lock mounted to your bike that you riding a bike doesn’t require gas Why hold a sign when you can didn’t use. I know people who have Bike Law from any of George Bush’s friends’ have a rolling mini billboard? Not stolen unlocked bikes with locks One thing that is fun about rid- companies. A bike is metal, tough, going to a protest? Why not state still in the mounts, just on principle. ing in Critical Masses is finding out can be maintained yourself with something anyway as you ride to how little cops know about bike some minimal skills and training, work, school, or wherever? Again, laws when they stop you. The prob- Helmets lem is, this is only funny if they just and can easily be personalized. the ride-by aspect of the bike Bike helmets have got to be the Bikes can be cheap for the poor, allows for a sense of commotion stop you and let you go. This is less stupidest looking things on the funny when they take you in. expensive for the Hot Topic trust and yet anonymity. You are seen planet, arguably after faux hawks 24 punks, or even built and are gone, optimal for times you Please always remember, just because a cop does not have the bike with you, you can explore happy. One word of warning – fold- tion, etc.) and try to influence legal right to arrest you does not faster than by walking, get around ing bikes tend to be far less maneu- towards their ideals, only to grow mean they don’t have the physical without parking again and again verable and harder on your ass for cynical by lack of change, or even ability to try. All the zine-read (and paying again and again as longer rides. change in the opposite direction. In “what to do when a cop talks to some cities would have you do) and Critical Mass sense, one recurring you” material does nothing when it if you make a wrong turn, you can Critical Mass as a theme is the “angry young white comes down to a cop WANTING to much more easily correct the situa- males” (which they usually are) or Microcosm of Why arrest or otherwise annoy you. One tion than with a car. (Ever get lost “testosterone brigades” that are good defense is to learn local law in Boston? Make a wrong turn and Anarchy Won’t Work unfriendly and aggressive and see regarding bikes and print that info the maze of one ways escorts you Just Yet the ride as anti-car, as opposed to out. One friend even made cards to a totally new part of town.) Most cities by now have a simply pro-bike. To these types, the with this to give out in just such a I have brought bikes with me to Critical Mass. It could be big, it ride is an excuse or chance to situation. large protest marches and the dif- could be small. It could last a long harass drivers, perhaps because ference in the experience is amaz- time or a short time. It might have they ordinarily feel harassed. These Bikes as a Statement ing. With all my heavy stuff on the blatant political messages or just be riders are generally the minority, Well, I don’t know how much saddle or rack, I have a sign mount- a bunch of people riding together. but they are a very visible and out- of a statement this is, but once, ed – I am unencumbered (well, Once it is decided somehow that it spoken group, and so seem to rep- when I was working for a cushy except for the bike I have to push.) will meet at X time at X place, it is resent the entire group. The prob- white collar job, our company won If I want to see if I know anyone generally without any other signs lem is that the bulk of the group has a bunch of things and rented out a else at the march, I can much more of leadership or pre-decided deci- little in the way to show otherwise room in a fancy pants besides riding nightclub. I must photo by Todd Taylor without conflict. admit that it was fun So, many more watching all the peo- peaceful riders ple paying for valet are tempted to parking, confused to ride next to the see me pull up in my provocateurs, bike, cardboard box uncomfortable duct taped to the with the idea of rack, no less, and talking about the subject, and so walk in. I am also the Rich Mackin type of guy who merely posting always goes for the about it on chat “other” category on groups the next surveys, filling in my day, or perhaps by bike description if merely not show- something calls for a ing up again. car. (Yes, I know I What this means have a car, too. Hey, though, is that the at least I am not one peaceful majority of those people who dwindles thus ful- has a “one less car” filling the prophe- shirt when I ride even cy that the trou- though they have a blemakers are the car; it’s just not being spokesmen for the used. That’s like say- group, because ing you are vegetari- soon they are the an because you aren’t majority, if not eating meat at the the only ones left. moment.) This is something easily ride up and down – or even sion making. One of the best parts I never understand. It is essentially ride to the beginning and watch the of Critical Mass is the lack of any saying “I don’t like the way you do Bikes Where You Don’t whole thing pass. Bathroom break? official organization. Of course, things, so I will let you do them Expect Them Ride off a few blocks and return one of the worst parts of Critical without voicing my opinion or pro- I have bikes AND I have a car. before the march is too far to track Mass is the lack of any official viding any counter point.” Therefore, I have a bike rack on my down. organization. To say that there is no This is a sad point to be made car. I find this great when travel- Be prepared. If you ride a bike leader is never really true. Like in from someone with a patch saying ling. As much as I dislike car cul- somewhere that people know isn’t many social situations, the lack of “My bike takes me places school ture and sprawl, my car can get me your hometown, they will assume an official leadership does not never could,” and it’s one reason from Boston to DC in a day and a you biked all the way there. mean that some people will not that I DO try to ride in as many bike can’t. And for the price of one Don’t have a bike rack? Don’t take control, or at least attempt to. masses as I can (and contribute to train ticket, I can get gas money to want to lug a bike on a train? Others will willingly follow. Still publications, vote, go to meetings, drive a few people all that way, and Consider a folding bike? There are others may not willingly follow, but etc.) because I subscribe to the “if I their too heavy to carry stuff, and a few kinds out there. Some look will either go along for lack of rea- don’t care, why should anyone their bikes. Aha, then, when we get like tiny bikes with long handlebar son not to (i.e., not wanting to go a care?” school of thought. If I don’t into DC, we can park and ride bikes and saddle stems. I have a Strida proposed route, but having no other want Critical Mass to be viewed as around! Bikes are great travel (www.strida.com). A Strida is fair- route to propose) or because they a bunch of hooligans, I should be accessories – park your car in most priced for a new bike device that is become passive. These are often there to act not like a hooligan, and major urban areas and see if you lightweight and folds up into about the people who complain about to ask the hooligans why they are want to get back in it and look for a is 45” x 20” x 11” space and can things, perhaps even drop out of the acting that way. Affecting change another parking space every time be rolled when folded. When in ride/ scene/ society without doing isn’t easy... I suppose if it was, it you go somewhere. Or take public bike mode, it looks like a triangle anything to improve that. wouldn’t be change. Of course, transportation... now how are you with wheels, a handlebar, a seat and Of course, this is a simplifica- then again, having fun takes energy going to get around? Spend lots of peddles. Heck, even if I never trav- tion. Some people ride in a Critical too. money on taxis and busses? (Well, eled with it, it’s a mobile work of Mass every month (or go to every Just like riding a bike. or walk, I guess.) But if you have a art and just plain makes people punk show, or vote in every elec- –Rich Mackin 25 ...the biggest and toughest have only remained that way for a very short time, and they’ve always fallen. About Carpenters and War about unless you had someone to empathize lot, grabbed a few sheets of plywood, and got to with you. But we weren’t complaining and we work sheeting the gable. As I did this, I thought Ralph Tanner was a legend in my hometown weren’t talking about macho or violent stuff and about Ralph, and remembered the only other because, basically, he could kick anyone’s ass. I we weren’t talking to anyone else in the bar. Just time I’d seen him fight. It was when we were was always hearing stories about Ralph getting drinking beers and minding our own business. kids. I was nine years old, and hanging out at the in scraps and busting someone up, and the sto- And that’s when it happened. mall with Ralph’s younger brother, Bobby. ries were always the same: Ralph was just hang- Ralph lifted his glass of beer to his mouth. Bobby and I had bought a sack of Big League ing out, minding his own business when some Just when it got about six inches from his face, Chew. We stuffed our faces with huge chunks of tough guy came up to him, out of the blue, and a stranger popped Ralph in the back of the head. gum. When the gum was good and soft, we egged on Ralph and egged him on and wouldn’t Ralph’s head flew forward, and his teeth banged placed it in a well-trafficked-but-inconspicuous let up until Ralph finally had no choice but to into the lip of the pint glass. Even in the crowd- place in the mall, found a bench, and watched settle it. Listening to the stories was kind of like ed bar, with the roar of drunks talking and the the shoppers walk by and get huge gobs of gum listening to the nightly news explain the latest jukebox fighting to play above the noise, I could stuck to their shoes. This was big fun for Bobby US military invasion. In both cases, I always hear the clink of teeth on glass. Ralph turned to and me. About as fun as life gets for a nine-year- figured that there was more to the stories. face me. He looked as surprised as I felt. “Jesus, old. Ralph came up to our mall bench while Something that I wasn’t being told. Sean, what’d you do that for?” he said. Bobby and I were doing this. He asked us what Then, I witnessed a Ralph Tanner “I did it, motherfucker,” the stranger said. we were giggling about, and we let Ralph in on brawl one night at Spanky’s Pub. Ralph turned on his barstool. “Do I know our scheme. Ralph said, “That’s just not right. I wish the place wasn’t really called you?” he asked. Bobby, go pick up your gum.” Before Bobby Spanky’s, because it makes it sound like I’m “You don’t remember me, do you, jackass?” could get up, some kid stepped in the gum. The making this story up. Like I’m trying to make a the stranger said. Ralph said that he didn’t. The kid got pissed off and he saw Bobby and me gig- metaphor out of all of this. But it’s true. There’s stranger explained to Ralph that Ralph had gling and the pack of Big League Chew. He really a Spanky’s. It’s on Banana River Drive in thrown him out of a strip club a few months ear- came over to us and I could tell he wanted to Merritt Island, Florida, right across from a Napa lier. Ralph didn’t remember, but apologized any- fight, but he was probably fourteen or fifteen, Auto Parts store, in the same building as Hobb’s way. The stranger didn’t accept the apology and and we were just too young to beat up. Ralph Drugs, around the corner from the Inner Room called Ralph a “motherfucker” again and got was twelve at the time, though, so the angry kid Cabaret. If you’re ever in Merritt Island and more and more aggressive until finally he could fight Ralph. He talked some shit and looking to get your ass kicked – either by a grabbed Ralph’s t-shirt and slammed him ended up kicking Ralph in the shin. Ralph drunk redneck, a pool shark who’s missing two against the bar. Ralph popped up and slammed a jumped up and busted open the angry kid’s nose. fingers on her left hand, or the gnarly tap beer – right hook into the side of the stranger’s face. He probably would’ve done a lot worse if the Spanky’s is the place. I made fun of people who The hook knocked the guy senseless, and he mall security guard hadn’t been there. went to Spanky’s when I was in high school, but probably would’ve dropped if Ralph hadn’t So I hammered away at the gable that a few years later, when I was out of college and swung a left into the stranger’s ribs, which Monday morning and thought about Ralph’s making my living as a framing carpenter, I used stopped the momentum of the fall. From there, fight in the mall a dozen years earlier, and I to hang out at Spanky’s a lot. things just got worse for the guy. Ralph threw a thought about Ralph’s fight that past Friday One night, back in those days, I’d been barrage of punches, so hard and so fast the night and thought, nothing really changes for the hanging out with some friends at the Inner stranger didn’t stand a chance. poor guy. Though things did change. When he Room and blowing way too much of my pay- I was way too close to the fight and didn’t was twelve, Ralph was just a skinny kid. An check, so I walked around the corner to want any part of it. I grabbed my beer and took easy target for bullies. A dangerous kid to pick Spanky’s. I figured I could get a beer there for a couple of steps back through the gathering on, but someone who could still be stopped by a half the price of one at the Inner Room, and I crowd. I emptied my pint and set it on the edge security guard or a teacher or any adult who could probably find someone there who would of a pool table. No one was playing, anyway. happened to be nearby. By the time Ralph was drink with me until I was ready to go home. And Everyone in the bar was gathered around the sixteen, he was a Golden Gloves boxer, the top I did find someone to drink with: Ralph Tanner. fight. I slipped out the side door and headed out of his weight class in the state of Florida, but Ralph was a framing carpenter back then, into the night, figuring that anywhere was better still a skinny kid. By the time he was eighteen, too. Just like me, he’d busted his ass all week than Spanky’s. he was done with boxing, on steroids and fight- under the hot Florida sun, got paid earlier that ing all the time. He kept working out and he kept day, and was out to blow off some steam. I bel- The next Monday at the job site, I told my taking steroids and kept getting bigger, and the lied up to the bar next to Ralph, ordered a beer Ralph Tanner story to a fellow carpenter named bigger he got, the more he had to fight. The for me and a shot for both of us, and asked Billy. Billy had a similar Ralph Tanner story; the more he had to fight, the better he got at it, and Ralph what he was up to. He talked a bit about only difference being that, truth be told in the better he got at it, the more he had to fight. work and I talked a bit about work. We drank Billy’s story, Ralph kinda picked the fight. My He worked as a bouncer at night clubs until he our shots and drank our beers and Ralph bought brother, who was also on the carpentry crew and got big and tough enough to work as a bouncer the next round. We talked about the things that had been friends with Ralph since they were at strip clubs and kept doing that until he got framers in Florida talk about: clueless home- both kids, told his Ralph Tanner stories. Telling stabbed one night. At that point, a friend of his owners and underpaying bosses and how quick- and hearing the stories made me feel sorry for hired him onto a construction crew, mostly ly we could sheet a roof and how hot it was on Ralph. I walked out to the stack of trusses, want- because Ralph was big and could lift a lot, and that roof once afternoon rolled around. ing to work by myself. I pulled the gable truss that’s all you need to start out as a framer. But Basically, boring stuff to talk out of the stack, dragged it to a flat spot on the building houses in Florida is a hot and miserable 26 job, so Ralph would alternate between that and way bigger than he needed to be, and become an You don’t have to see things this way. Perhaps bouncing, between the slow, grinding death of irritable, impossible-to-work-with bastard, that your dad was a stockbroker, and you see the construction work and the risk of the fast, vio- was Billy’s business. But I wasn’t gonna be a world through a stockbroker’s eyes. If that’s the lent death of manhandling out-of-control part of it. I said good-bye to Ralph and caught case, maybe you see the US military as drunks. And all through it, he had to fight. up with my mom in time to carry her shopping AOL/Time Warner stock: something so big and While I finished sheeting the first gable and basket. bloated and top heavy that it’s bound to crumble started digging through the stacks of trusses for any day now. Perhaps you grew up watching the second gable, I thought about the stranger I haven’t seen Ralph for several years now. sci-fi movies and you see the world through sci- who felt like he had to fight Ralph. I figured that I quit working construction and moved out of fi eyes. If that’s the case, maybe you see the US the real reason the stranger wanted to fight town long before his case went to trial. I don’t military as the Star Wars movies: way too much Ralph was this: Ralph was the biggest and the know what happened with the lawsuit or if he’s money is being spent on them, you get the feel- best. Ralph was huge, young, strong, fit. No one still getting into fights every weekend. I don’t ing that they’re all about marketing and adver- had taken him down yet. It just stood to reason, know if anyone ever finally beat Ralph down. I tisement, and, lately, you kinda wish the armies in the stranger’s head, that someone needed to, assume someone did, but I don’t have anything would all just kill each other and get it over even if for no better reason than beating up the to base that assumption on. I may just be a pes- with. Perhaps you grew up in a nice, suburban toughest guy in town makes you the toughest simist. neighborhood and you see the world through guy in town. I thought to myself, it’s so fucking nice, suburban eyes. If meaningless. I wondered if Ralph had known that’s the case, feel free to that this was going to happen when he fought use your own metaphor. Use that kid over bubble gum on the shoe, or if pro-wrestling. Use Moham- Ralph had known when he was a Golden Gloves med Ali. Use the pimply kid boxer, or if he even knew now. If he knew every who’d always ruin the time he lifted a weight bar off his chest or every neighborhood soccer games time he jabbed a steroid needle into his leg to by saying, “It’s my ball and start another cycle that he was dooming himself if you don’t play by my to a life of barroom brawls, bloody fists, teeth rules, I’m taking it and chipped on pint glasses, the occasional stabbing. going home.” Really, you can use whatever example A week later, I gave my mom a ride home you want. But it’s important from work because her car was in the shop. On to keep in mind that we tend the way to her house, she asked me to stop by a to view larger issues – grocery store, and I did. While we walked down issues of nations and soci- the bread aisle, I heard someone say, “Hey, Mrs. eties – through smaller Carswell.” examples of humans behav- My mom turned and said, “Hi, Ralphie.” I ing in similar patterns. We almost forgot to say hi to Ralph too, because I break the complex down was laughing that my mom had just called the into its simplest terms, and toughest guy in town “Ralphie.” She’d been his this helps us to understand second grade teacher, and she had the habit of things. So let’s look at thinking of her former students as perpetual Ralph Tanner, in the sim- children. In my mom’s eyes, this big, powerful plest terms, and try to framer in front of her was still a skinny little understand this big, com- seven-year-old trying to learn his times tables. plex problem. She asked Ralph how he was and what he’d First, let’s look at the most been up to and Ralph answered her. Then, she readily-apparent things. went back to her shopping. I stayed back to talk One: Ralph Tanner proba- to Ralph. bly wasn’t wise to be the “Sorry I left you on your own at Spanky’s biggest and toughest in the other night,” I said. “You make out all town because the biggest right?” and toughest always fall Ralph shook his head. “No. I got complete- sooner or later. And they fall ly fucked.” the hardest because they’re This surprised me. I knew that there was no the hardest to take down. If way that the stranger could’ve come back on you’re a weak little guy, you Ralph. The stranger’s ass was pretty well kicked The Boxer by Tom Wrenn generally get your ass beat when I left. And I didn’t think the stranger had I still think of Ralph Tanner often, though, by someone who’s not much bigger than you. It any friends with him, or else one of them because understanding Ralph helps me to under- only takes a few punches to knock you down, so would’ve jumped me. But I got out of there stand the US government’s drive to be a military you only have to withstand a few punches. untouched. “What happened?” I asked. superpower. In a lot of ways, Ralph and all the When you’re a monster the size of Ralph, “Apparently, I broke the guy’s eye socket. guys he fought against have a lot in common though, it takes a bigger monster to beat you. He had to have his whole face reconstructed.” with the US government. It’s not something So, by proportion alone, you have to withstand “Holy shit.” that’s easy to see, and this story isn’t supposed a much more brutal beating. It’s simple physics. “Yeah, that’s not the worst of it. His lawyer to be a parable, where you read up to this point By the same token, how wise is it for the US told me that the surgery cost twenty thousand and say, “Okay. I see. We look at Ralph with all military to try to be the biggest and toughest in dollars.” his steroids and weightlifting and think, does the world? Because, historically speaking, the “He’s suing you?” anyone really need to be that big? Then, we look countries that have tried to be the biggest and Ralph nodded. “He’s suing me.” He glanced at the US military and think, does any military toughest have always fallen, and the people in down the bread aisle to make sure that my mom need to be that big?” It’s far more complex than that country – much more so than the govern- was out of earshot, then asked, “You still work- that. ments themselves – were always the worst for ing with Billy?” I said that I was. Ralph said, Still, I grew up on construction sites. I the fall. Take, for instance, the people of Russia “Tell him I got juice for him if he wants to go on learned to see the world through that perspec- who are still trying to fend off civil war and another cycle.” tive. I came to understand the patterns of human rebuild their economy more than a decade after I said I’d pass on the message, but I was behavior by looking at the carpenters and the Soviet Union fell. Or read a book about the lying. If Ralph wanted to sell steroids to pay for painters and concrete masons I worked for, and German people in 1945 and you’ll find that a lawyer to defend him, that was Ralph’s busi- applying their actions to humanity as a whole. most Germans didn’t eat that year (and you’ll ness. If Billy wanted to go on another cycle, get So, in my mind, the US military is Ralph Tanner. never get used to stories of little 27 boys selling their sisters for a potato). Or ask me because I didn’t pose a threat to anyone. I stop fighting. He stopped taking steroids. He someone who lived around Ground Zero in was exactly as big and strong as I needed to be shrunk down to a normal size. He stopped Nagasaki on August 6, 1945 how much he to keep someone from taking a cheap shot at me, spending time in places like Spanky’s. He start- appreciated the Japanese army’s attempt to take but not nearly as big and strong as I would’ve ed working on his mind, instead. He turned his over China, the Philippines, Hawaii, etc.; needed to be to make someone think they had efforts towards educating himself. He worked though, sadly, no one who lived around Ground something to gain by attacking me. And, in the his way up from a carpenter’s assistant. Maybe Zero in Nagasaki on August 6, 1945 lived to talk global arena, I wish the US could say the same he even helped to start a carpenters’ union, so about it. The point is this: throughout history, the things. It goes back to what Howard Zinn said that he and his coworkers could have things that biggest and toughest have only remained that when we interviewed him for Razorcake a few everyone should have: health benefits, eight- way for a very short time, and they’ve always issues back, “Sweden is not worried about ter- hour days, paid vacations, a reasonable share of fallen. This doesn’t necessarily mean that they rorism. New Zealand is not worried about ter- the wealth that his labor generates. It could hap- always will fall. It just means that they always rorism. Holland is not worried about terrorism.” pen, right? It sure beats busting out some have fallen. That’s why now is a good time to If you don’t pose a threat, you don’t have to stranger’s eye socket at Spanky’s and getting wonder if it’s wise for the US to keep expanding fight. It’s usually that simple. as a military superpower. Five: it’s generally a good idea to ask what Two: no matter how strong you are, you are is gained by a fight. Ralph Tanner beat up that vulnerable somewhere. Like I said, Ralph guy in Spanky’s. What did it get him? Was his Tanner got stabbed one night. No one could beat life improved in any way by beating up a Ralph in a fistfight, but there’s more than one way to fight, and fighting, by its very nature, ...you’ll never get used to isn’t fair. Someone can always pull out a knife or a gun or bring friends or jump you when you stories of little boys selling least expect it. And it sucks if they do, but fists their sisters for a potato can’t stop that. By the same token, you can put a missile defense system into space. You can stranger? I doubt it. It’s hard to say that any of build nuclear bombs and nuclear subs and Ralph’s fights made his life better. It goes back stealth bombers and SCUD missiles and deplet- to a lesson most kids learn at a very young age. ed uranium missiles. You can attack Afghanistan They get their first black eyes or swollen knuck- and Iraq and Sudan and Yugoslavia and les, they ask themselves what it got them, and Somalia. You can install military dictatorships in they learn to resolve their problems through half the countries in Central America. You can other means. But most kids always ask them- give Columbia billions of dollars to fight a selves that question: what did it get me? So why stuck with a $20,000 medical bill. “drug war.” You can spend over do nations rarely ask this question? The US Doesn’t the US have the same choice? $300,000,000,000 annually on the military bud- attacked Iraq in 1991, supposedly because Couldn’t the government stop spending hun- get. You can place army bases and soldiers in so Saddam Hussein was a madman who had to be dreds of billions of dollars annually on the mili- many places in the world that you’re safely posi- taken out of power. So the US bombed Iraq, tary? Couldn’t the US shrink the armed forces tioned to fight a battle anywhere at any time. In destroying cities, schools, hospitals, and a few down to a reasonable size; say, only as big as fact, the US has done all of these things. But military targets. They killed hundreds of thou- they need to be to protect US borders, and no there are more ways to fight than any military sands of Iraqis. And the US won the war. But bigger? We, as a country, could even use those could possibly foresee. All of the United States’ Saddam Hussein wasn’t relieved of his power. extra hundreds of billions of dollars (that no military power couldn’t keep two airplanes from So what was the point? longer need to be spent on the military) on edu- flying into the World Trade Center. What’s keep- What about Vietnam? The US entered the cating the people of this country, on providing ing something similar, or worse, from happen- Vietnam War because they feared that, if free health care for everyone who lives here. It ing again? Vietnam became a communist country, then the could happen, right? Three: you can’t say that Ralph Tanner was communism would spread through the rest of I’ll agree that all of this may seem like a innocent that night at Spanky’s. I mean, I like southeast Asia, then onward to the rest of the simplified way of examining these issues. the guy. I’d like to say that he was just hanging world. And Vietnam won that war. They became Maybe it is. But human beings act according to out with me, doing the exact same things that I a communist country. And communism didn’t basic patterns of behavior. Society and govern- was doing, but, in all fairness, that’s not true. He spread throughout southeast Asia, and it defi- ments are little more than clumps of humans act- was posing a threat, and I wasn’t. Here’s why: nitely didn’t spread onward to the rest of the ing along those same basic patterns. And as the he went to a bar that’s famous for all its fights, world. So what was the Vietnam War all about? US bullies itself into another war, it helps to he went there knowing that people he’d beat up And, now that the war on drugs seems to have remember these basic patterns. Because it is in the past were probably going to be there look- subsided and the war on terrorism – in good to look at the individual reasons people ing for a fight, he’d established himself as a Afghanistan, anyway – seems to be winding give to fight or not to fight a war. It’s good to fighter, and that invites violence. So he didn’t down, is the world free of drugs and terror final- look at the impending war in Iraq and say, “Isn’t pick that particular fight. It’s true. But his pres- ly? Is that even a realistic hope? Haven’t most it foolish to spend $90 billion to fight a war for ence itself was threatening, and his presence at a wars increased drug use? If terrorism means $19 billion worth of oil?” or “Isn’t it foolish to bar like Spanky’s was a provocation. It’s like using violence, fear, and intimidation to achieve attack a country solely because they might when US fighter planes fly over a country again certain ends, isn’t war itself terrorism? someday have nuclear weapons?” or “Isn’t it and again and again, occassionally dropping I’m probably not saying anything here that foolish to fight a war to prevent the possibility of bombs. If you’re a pilot in a US fighter plane, you haven’t thought before. Most of us reading Iraq having nuclear weapons when Pakistan and you get shot at, it sucks, but it’s hard to this magazine already know that a bigger mili- already has nuclear weapons, and the US attack- blame the other country’s military for shooting tary doesn’t lead to more security. It leads to ing Iraq dramatically increases the probability at you. They don’t know if you have a bomb in less. So the next question to ask is this: how of Pakistan using them on the US?” Or whatev- your plane or not. They do know that at other does a country actively stop being a superpow- er sides of the debate you choose to look at. It’s times, other planes just like yours have bombed er? Well, the US could get out of the superpow- good to look at all these reasons why each indi- them. That makes your plane a serious threat to er business the way that Hitler’s Germany, vidual attack on a foreign country is bad. But it’s them. It makes your presence a provocation. Hirohito’s Japan, and Napolean’s France did it: also important to remember the bigger mistake Four: Ralph should’ve learned a very basic keep fighting until you lose everything. This the United States is making, which is being a lesson from me that night. The lesson is this: if seems to be the plan that the US is going with military superpower. It’s the exact same basic you stay out of fights to begin with, you’ll get right now. But couldn’t we take a different pattern as taking steroids so you can be the hurt a lot less often. I mean, I don’t want to be approach? toughest carpenter at Spanky’s. As humans and anyone’s paradigm of hope, but remember that I Remember that I don’t know what happened as a nation, isn’t it time to move beyond didn’t get into the fight that night at Spanky’s. I to Ralph Tanner, so let’s make an optimistic that? turned and walked away. I didn’t protect myself guess. Let’s say that Ralph didn’t finally get –Sean Carswell because I didn’t have to. No one thought to fight beaten down. Let’s hope that he just learned to 29 Shiftless When Idle Maddy
Bottles are for bourgeois losers!
lright, it’s 2003! Par-tee! Another year of is less attractive than cynicism! out, what the fuck are you doing with your life? Aover-consumption of cereal (if there could Note: All are in no particular order. I am a Listening to Earth Crisis? Man! be such a thing), drunken bike rides, rocking out geek; but I have my limits! 5. D4! I think it was four years ago when I first to Against Me!, and bein’ broke! Punk fucking said, “D4 is the best band in the universe!” and rock! TOP TEN MOST PUNK ROCK THINGS I’m still towin’ the party line. Situationist And, in the grand tradition of the one of the Comedy is so damn good. I can’t stop listening greatest punk rock writers of all time (Rev. 1. Boxed Wine! What was I doing with my life to the second song, “A Floater Left With Nørb!), I’d like to present to you: My Top Ten before? For ten bucks, you get a seemingly end- Pleasure in the Executive Washroom” (Note: List! However, lest I infringe on Nørb’s copy- less display of mirth-inducing entertainment! Bands should hire Paddy to write their song right, and thus end up in a lengthy lawsuit that And you can take it out of the box, stick the titles!). Can you beat these lyrics? “This isn’t results in the forfeiture of all my leopard print plastic bag o’ wine in your backpack, walk or what we want/This isn’t what we need/This is underwear, I must change the rules, dude! bike around town, and par-tee! Portable insani- what we can afford.” And then “Celebrate this So, instead of a Top Ten Records of the Year ty! Why would you ever drink wine out of a bot- sorry state/With anecdotes of what you (and who am I kidding, I’ve been unable to do tle again? Bottles are for bourgeois losers! hate/And Try to take comfort in the fact that Maddy Maddy
anything other than listen to D4 and Against 2. Getting Paid to Go to School! Due to what you’re not alone.” I tell ya, hearin’ this song live Me! all year anyway), I’m gonna do Top Ten I can only assume was some computerized mix- makes you wonder why people are wastin’ their Most Punk Rock Things and Top Ten Least up, I am getting paid $16,000 a year plus free time in church when there are songs this inspir- Punk Rock Things that have happened to me tuition and health insurance to study French his- ing out there. (If that sounds stupid, I’m sorry. If this year. Fans of lists, eat your heart out! Fans tory and Journalism. Not bad, I say! It sure a great show doesn’t make you feel like you of the Zeros, beat your heart out! beats working at Cereal Adventure (where, inci- could write a novel, change the world, have sex Aaaaaaaaaaghhhhhh! dentally, I was almost sued by General Mills for all night, or SOMETHING, you are missing out Okay, so down to business. Where to start? writing about my experiences there). in a big way.) Negative or positive? Is the glass half-empty or 3. Garbage Pail Kid cards! A Tight Pants read- 6. Ben Snakepit! Snakepit is the best zine I’ve half-full? Was Johnny Thunders the guy who er keeps sending me ‘em! Hooray! And, if any- read in such a long time! Ben draws hilarious stole Dee Dee’s leather jacket in Paris or was he one out there has the Mucus Marcus card, little comic strips for each day of his punk rock the savior of rock and roll? Was Joe Hill a rev- please, please, contact me! life! And he’s so funny and cool! He even got olutionary, genius songwriter, and all-around 4. Against Me! Jesus fucking Christ! I love one of my drawings tattooed on his arm. All hail likeable bum, or was he a murderer? Questions, this band! I got to see them in Portland this Ben Snakepit! Get his zine before you do any- questions, questions! But, in the tradition of the summer and it was one of the best shows of my thing else! (And the December issue will be a optimism, joie de vivre, and lack of jadedness life. People climbing all over each other, split zine – me and Ben trade off drawing stupid expressed by many great men (like, say, singing along, screaming, out of control, eupho- stuff! Self-promotion! Alright!) Howard Zinn and Aaron Cometbus), we must ria, madness, punk rock religious experience, I 7. Aaron! I will not gross you out and ruin my start positive! Come on, nothing tell ya! If you haven’t already checked them hardcore punk credentials (gained from years of 30 bench-pressing over 100 lbs and rocking out, to, this one girl said, “Ya know, why can’t people uh, Snapcase?), by writing cheesy things about just move on? I mean, this was all, like, so long my boyfriend! I will say this: My boyfriend is ago, and it seems so, like, pointless. I mean, not opposed to jumping up and down on his bed leave the guy alone. He’s just a harmless old while singing along to Mr. T Experience and man.” Almost as surprising as that insane com- going swimming in crazy polluted rivers. ment was the fact that NO ONE besides me Alright! found anything objectionable about it. When I 8. Ben Hamper! Author of Rivethead, genius pointed out that sixty years is really NOT that writer, and nice guy. Anyone who can use their much time in the history of the world, and why shitty job as an excuse to write has my full should we let someone get away with basically endorsement. If we’re gonna be fucked over by murdering thousands of children just because stupid, low-paying jobs working with people we he’s old, and what kind of message does this hate, we can AT LEAST do something creative send that we don’t care about anything that hap- with it. pened in the past, etc. etc., everyone just 9. Razorcake! (Sean and Todd: please make shrugged. Man. check out to me, c/o Endorsement Department). 3. Being Broke! Well, maybe being broke actu- Seriously though, what a bunch of cool people! ally is “punk” (I don’t have my punk rock dic- Put your hands together for Sean and Todd! tionary with me right now), but it sure does What other zine has interviewed Howard Zinn suck. I think that my class rage has grown ten and Michael Moore in the past year? Plus, a fold in the past year. Why should my roommate punk rock magazine that’s actually funny some- and I barely be able to make rent while other times? A novel idea! people have tens of thousands of dollars just 10. Minne-fucking-apolis! Oh beloved, beloved lying around? I know it seems like a common punk rock capital of the United States! How I complaint, but when you’re really broke, it hits miss you! Home of the best coffee shop (Hard you, hard. Times), the best bar (Triple Rock), the best ran- 4. American Steel! I used to love this band! I dom strange people, the best bike explorations, used to feel almost as excited about this band as the best porches……… aaaaaaahhhhhhhh. If I currently feel about Against Me! But then they you’re reading this from Minneapolis right now, released a sub-par album and broke up. Sigh. consider me very, very jealous. My love for the 5. Jerks at Portland Zine Convention! See my Midwest knows no bounds. I will be back as column two issues ago. soon as possible! 6. French! Okay, so I havta study French histo- ry to get my check; but of all the histories to TOP TEN LEAST PUNK ROCK THINGS study, I dunno, French history does not really appeal to me. I would love to study Russian his- 1. New York! Man. I hate this city. I applied to tory, American history, Iranian history, and lots grad school while broke, figured I couldn’t of other histories as well. But France? What can afford it anyway, and then, surprise, surprise, got you say? A bunch of anti-Semites and snobs? offered – to use the technical term – a shitload of Maybe a tad too harsh, but still. And we don’t money, which I felt like I couldn’t pass up. The study the cool, punk rock stuff about French his- verdict is still out on whether or not all of this tory (the worker uprisings, the bohemians, the was a big mistake; but one thing I know for sure: anarchists). No, we study Napoleon. Although I hate New York City. What’s to like? It’s expen- there’s something ridiculous about knowing a sive, girls wear high heels with jeans, everyone ton about, say, Napoleon III’s economy policy or looks like a fucking model, it’s crowded, it takes the rise of liberal Protestant organizations in the forever to get anywhere, there are no basement 1860’s (and I appreciate ridiculosity in all its shows, there are hardly any good shows, period, forms, believe me), it is abundantly clear that I there is no real punk scene, you go to shows and am definitely WASTING MYTIME. (Why can’t see totally different people each time, and every- I just stop taking French and just do journalism? one has something snotty to say about the rest of See point #3.) the country. A bunch of stuck-up assholes. Argh. 7. Dubya! Need I say more? 2. Grad School! Okay, so I’m in this strange 8. Feeling politically helpless! I am really hav- joint degree program that combines French ing a hard time figuring out something useful I Studies and Journalism. Does it make sense? can do to fight all the horrible things that have No! Would I rather just do Journalism? Yes, hell happened in the past year besides just going to yes. But the French department is loaded and protests and writing political articles. Help. gave me my fellowship. So I’m stuck taking 9. Not living with my sister, candy-eater, classes with a bunch of, well, could I use the Russian expert, and Tight Pants columnist, term “Nazis”? Based on the following example, Emily. (Perhaps better known by her ridiculous you decide. The first day of orientation in the punk name E. Nebulous Neezer – that’s what French department, we had to discuss some happens when you assign punk names at age 12. books we were supposed to read over the sum- Alright!) You’re lucky if you can find one per- mer. One of the books was about the prosecution son who completely understands you, and it’s no of Nazis in France (During WWII, France was fun being half a country away from them. under the control of the Vichy regime, a French 10. New York pizza. Thin crust? No thanks! government that basically allowed the Nazis to do whatever they liked, deport Jews to concen- Alright! So there you have it! My two top tration camps, eliminate freedom of speech and ten lists! Go forth and celebrate the New Year! the press, and get a lot of French people to join organizations similar to Hitler Youth.) Anyway, –Maddy the book we were discussing was about recent prosecutions of (now very elderly) Nazis. One P.S. New issue of Tight Pants out and I’m not guy, Papon, was responsible for sending Jewish lyin’ this time! Send two bucks or five stamps children to Auschwitz, killing Algerians, and to: Maddy, 296A Nassau Ave #3L, Brooklyn, just generally being a total dick. So, France NY, 11222. For distro rates, email me: cere- finally prosecuted him. And in the discussion, [email protected] I realIzed once agaIn that looks and absurdIty Far outweIgh proFessIonalIsm and musIcIanshIp!
The Dinghole Reports (So, does that mean we have to decorations. I say SCREW THAT northwoods, I could only attend By the Rhythm Chicken move WITH you? –F.F.) HOOSHWASH! These were two days of the festival. That (Commentary by Francis Funyuns) MADE for the Chicken! The Friday night, my Hen and I [Edited by Dr. Sicnarf] Silly Francis. Thanks to modern ruckus don’t get no bigger than zoomed down to Chi-town straight technological giz-whackery, you this! from work to catch the festival at Rytm Kurcze, Rytm Kurcze, tak, and Sicnarf can still participate via the Fireside Bowl. Upon arrival we tak, tak! To jest prawda! Ja I moja Email. Besides, I need you two to [Pro-Mark? I thought you were found out that Jake’s wife had gone dziewczynka jechamy do Polce! stay here and Fed Ex me my week- loyal to your Regal Tip quantum into labor. He became a papa! His Doskanale! Jestemy bardzo ly supply of Pabst! 3000s? –Dr. S.] festival partner, the Fireside’s szczecliwy I niespokojny! Dzis jest Brian Peterson, welcomed the moja koncowy “Dinghole Report” [Participate via Email? Oh great. (Yeah, I thought Pro-Marks were Chicken and gave him the green z Ameryki!… Whoops! Oh yeah, We’ll be the Satellite Sisters of for “pros” or something. –F.F.) light. I decided to set up the I’m still in America. Sorry about ruckus! –Dr. S.] Chicken Kit in front of the merch that. Sometimes my beak gets — the Rhythm Chicken unsheathes tables, just to be a clucker. I set stuck in Polish linguistics. So, any- Ok, if you prefer, Dr. Sicnarf, I the ruckus logs from his dinghole down my beer, pulled on the way, this is my final Dinghole COULD send you back to the and clubs both Francis and Sicnarf Chicken head, and started the Report… Pulse. I hear they’ve been lacking over the noggins with a wooden opening drumroll. The curious in the alcoholic mathematicians “pthunk” sound — crowd gathered towards the back [Gasp! –Dr. S.] department lately. lanes, and then WHAMMO, I said NO MORE HOOSHWASH! Chicken ruckus! I rocked out a few (What do you mean?!! How can (We like it right here, Mr. Chicken! I’m moving to Poland! Deal with rhythmic doses of sonic ruckus. A this be? Why?!! –F.F.) The Doctor and I are backing you it! I’m now playing Pro-Mark whiney-voiced audience member all the way! –F.F.) ruckus logs! Deal with it! I’ve been repeatedly shouted in each break, [Please, Mr. Chicken, NO!! Please using Trillium Herbal Body Polish! “You’re not a chicken! You’re a don’t send me back to the [SUCKUP! –Dr. S.] Deal with it! rabbit!” I repeatedly pointed him Peninsula Pulse! I beg of you! –Dr. out and sent waves of audio ruckus S.] Settle down, you two! I don’t have [(What? –F.F. & Dr.S.)] his way. The taunting continued time for your HOOSHWASH! I’ve until I unsheathed my newest YOU DIDN’T LET ME FINISH! got four Dinghole Reports to cram {AHAAAA! GAY RUB!!! weapons of mass ruckus. BUCKAW!! This is my final in here this time. You SLICK- –Ruckus Thomas} Glistening in fresh ding-juice, I Dinghole Report… FROM SLACKS keep your bickering to raised the ruckus logs to the sky. AMERICA! yourselves! Ooops! I mean…. The place went nuts. I felt that my show was done, stood to accept [(sigh! –F.F. & Dr. S.)] (Hooshwash? –F.F.) Dinghole Report #25: Chicken more applause, bowed, grabbed my Ruckus a-go-go! beer, and scurried to the back cor- Starting with issue #13, I will be [Slick-slacks? –Dr. S.] (Rhythm Chicken sightings #252, ner to rest and drink some ruckus scratching out my Dinghole Reports #253, & #254) juice. Eerily, the whole place was from the medieval bowels of ANYWAYZZZZZZ, I knew that silently watching me. Someone Krakow, Poland. You see, my my final Chicken gigs in America After I pounded out some ruckus took a picture of me in my Chicken Wisconsin fanbase has grown some- had to have that something extra to rock on Chic-a-go-go (Chicago’s head, drinking my beer in the cor- what complacent. Minnesota and let the ruckus ring from sea to shin- local punk rock Solid Gold-type ner. They thought there was more. Michigan are both a little too ing sea ‘till my return. No bakesale TV show), Jake Roctober asked the They were as confused as I. It was- “Fargo-ish”. Becoming an Illinois or crock of Rhythm Chili would do Rhythm Chicken to play at his first n’t until my nest performance an resident would tear me apart on a in this case. I needed something festival of one-man-bands, aptly hour later that I realized my previ- molecular level, plus I would never BIG! Then I was saved by Rusty at titled “Uno-a-go-go.” A festival of ous mistake. I rocked out another get those Screeching Weasel guitar Milwaukee’s Rockhaus (my soul one-man-bands? How could I pass Chicken show. The crowd yelled solos out of my head! Seeing as how provider of fine instruments of up such a sheer spectacle of freak- louder than before. I pulled out the my parents now live in Krakow, WI ruckus). He graciously provided dom? I really have to hand it to ruckus logs and raised them sky- (population 80), I thought I would me with the LARGEST DRUM- Jake. He threw one hell of a giz- ward. The place hollered for more. give them HUGE bragging rights by STICKS IN THE WORLD! These whack-o-ramma! One-man-bands Suddenly, right then, the revelation having their son move to Krakow, ain’t no Philly-sticks! These three- from all over the country, from of sheer lunacy struck me and I POLAND! (population 700,00+) foot-long and two-inch-thick other countries, hundreds of them knew my new purpose in time and Besides, I had so much fun dispens- ruckus logs weigh in at about three in a week-long festival! I was space. I began PLAYING the ing ruckus in Eastern Europe last pounds EACH! They are actually proud to be a part of such a monu- drums with these foolishly enor- year, I thought I would just make it made by Pro-Mark and are sup- mental gathering of loners! Being a mous sticks! My hi-hat and floor 32 permanent! posed to be props or drumshop working stiff from the Wisconsin tom fell over from the bombard- ment. It was difficult to play with any accuracy or good timing, but DAMMIT it was LOUD and it looked good! The crowd went ruckus wild! I realized once again that looks and absurdity FAR out- weigh professionalism and musi- cianship! My favorite other per- formers that night were King Louie One-Man-Band, World Provider, and Bob Log III. Afterwards, my Hen and I scratched over to Schuba’s to catch the late set by Rex Hobart and the Misery Boys. A fine way to end the evening. Saturday we woke up at Mike Finch’s mighty palace of herc, just beneath the subway again! Later that night the festival continued at the Abbey Pub. Tonight’s headliner was the mighty Lonesome Organist. I was excited. We sat and enjoyed overpriced ruckus juice through the opening acts. Long live Rocket Craig, the world’s first atomic singer! Later, I was given the green light once again. This time I decided to set up in front of a back hallway, effectively block- ing the entrance to the restrooms, also utilizing a wall mural of a demented leprechaun as a back- drop. Once again, the opening drumroll drew the curious crowd to gather ‘round. Ruckus rhythms were pounded out to thunderous applause. They couldn’t get enough! I knew they were ready so I drew the ruckus logs out of my dinghole and held them victorious- ly skyward. They yelled louder. Again, I attempted to PLAY with these rhythm rockets, but this time it was a little different. I was hold- ing the logs more towards the mid- dle for better balance and suddenly I learned that I could ACTUALLY PLAY somewhat EFFECTIVELY with these monsters! And DAMN are they LOUD! Ruckus is reborn! The Chicken’s got new guns! The windy city ate it up. Genetically enhanced drumsticks, KFC be damned! Following the Chicken was LA’s TV Sheriff and his Video Ape, then the Lonesome Organist. Uno-a-go-go was one of the coolest musical events I’ve ever encountered. Three clucks for Jake Roctober and Brian Peterson! CLUCK CLUCK CLUCK!!! Also, Jake’s newest issue of Roctober chIcken F I nger, anyone? magazine is a huge encyclopedia chIcken F I nger, anyone? of one-man-bands. Simply put, it Ghoulies show at the Riverside Dancin’ Dan Marcelle’s wedding kicks a lot of dinghole! (Huh? –F.F.) Ballroom! This is Green Bay’s reception (ye ol’ chicken dinner). most beautiful old-timey ballroom. The aunts, uncles, and grandpar- (Now, about this so-called “hoosh- Dinghole Report #26: Groovie It hosted the second to last Winter ents were groovin’. However, this wash”… –F.F.) Ruckus with the Ghoulies! Dance Party with Buddy Holly and time it was a rock show, and a (Rhythm Chicken sighting #258) the Big Bopper gracing the stage. groovin’ one at that! Manplanet [Yeah, and that “slick-slack” stuff. After Green Bay was Clear Lake, finished their pyro-explosive show. Is there a Polish joke in here some- It’s been almost a full year since IA, and then KERBLAMMY! On The Chicken Kit was thrown where? –Dr. S.] Green Bay’s only all-ages venue this stage I’ve also seen the Dead together in the middle of the closed down. What a joy it was to Kennedys, X, Husker Du, and dancefloor. The opening drumroll Tak! Jestesz bardzo glupi, nie za hear that Timebomb Tom was set- Fugazi. Earlier this year, the sounded off and the GB kids gath- madry wcale. Jaka szkoda! ting up an all-ages Groovie Rhythm Chicken played here for ered around.. They remembered their Chicken and repaid him with ran into Timebomb Tom and Steve THUD, THUD, THUD! Floor tom: start playing the drums just to huge applause. The ruckus was Zamboni from Green Bay. They BOOM, BOOM, BOOM, BOOM! drown him out. After unleashing a good. It was time. I unveiled to helped me carry in my terrible Snare drum: CRACK, CRACK, good sloppy dose of drunken Green Bay the mighty rhythm tools of ruckus. The club owner CRACK CRACK! Tom chuckles. ruckus rhythm on the crowd, they hammers, the ruckus logs! They reads the bass drum and says, “So Free Pabst. Free Pabst. Free Pabst. yell, “YAAAAY!” I smiled again. I roared. Re-inventing ruckus, one YOU’RE the Rhythm Chicken.” I I walk away for a few minutes. bend over and take a pull off of my town at a time! I’ve upped the ante. nod. He then says, “Well, you and Free Pabst. I return, sit at the beer. They yell, “YAAAAY!” It Raise the ruckus bar one more your crew can load into the back Chicken Kit, and pull on my appeared as if I had the packed notch. THIS ONE GOES TO room and then just go nextdoor for Chicken head. The packed club club in the palm of my wing. (Even ELEVEN!!! I floored them with dinner and throw it all on my tab.” yells, “YAAAAAAY!” Huh. I raise Eddie Spaghetti was watching my ruckus-log-rhythms and the gig My crew? I smiled again. Free my Regal Tip quantum 3000’s to from the stage, holding up his son was complete. While tearing down, Pabst. Free Pabst. Free Pabst. My the sky. The crowd yells, “YAY!” I to witness the Easter ruckus) But Manplanet’s singer (Mr. White) “crew” and I went nextdoor and stand up and raise my arms higher. then the drunken heckler starts up approached me and asked, “Are violently inhaled their gourmet The place yells louder, again, “You suck!”, “You suck!” you THEE Rhythm Instantly, Timebomb Tom Chicken?” Is there another? has the heckler by the The Groovie Ghoulies took THROAT telling HIM to the historic stage and rocked shut up! This is getting fun. its nuts off! I’m a misfit, The ruckus continues. More don’t fit in. Later, Jake’s ruckus rhythms. More pizza was consumed in bliss- “YAAAY!” Free Pabst. Free ful nostalgia. Pabst. Free Pabst. More ruckus rock. More [Yeah, yeah, Mr. Chicken. “YAAAY!” Free Pabst. Free These safe kiddy shows with Pabst. Free Pabst. Then the the big funny clown sticks heckler starts up AGAIN! sound all nice and cheery, but Don’t get me wrong. I totally whatever happened to the DIG this shit! I finally break Keith Moon drunken wrestle- down and pull out my giant rock gigs of the past? Sure, ruckus logs. I valiantly raise these so called “ruckus logs” them up for all to see. The sound all big and scary, but place goes absolutely WILD! I’m afraid you’ve become no I pound out some loud slop- more dangerous than a cud- py drunken log rhythms. dly punk rock petting zoo. –Dr. S.] [Log rhythms? Logarithms? Is this where I come in? –Dr. Oh, Dr. Sicnarf. You judge S.] prematurely. These gigs were mere trial runs for the full The place goes crazy, and blown explosive ruckus to once again I hear, “You suck! come! I had to prepare for my You suck!” Like two scud gig with the Supersuckers! missiles, I hurl the logs at the heckler and dive over my (Fuckinay! And you WERE drums at him! WRESTLE- born with a tail!… er, ROCK! FREE PABST! hatched, that is. –F.F.) RUCKUS! The heckler and I are rolling around in the Dinghole Report #27: crowd. The crowd yells, Strangling, Wrestling, and “YAAAY!” The drunken Drunken Ruckus in heckler starts gushin’, “I love Brewtown! you, man!” I just about had (Rhythm Chicken sightings #259 glIstenIng In Fresh dIng-juIce, I enough and choose to end the and #260) Chicken gig. I stagger into the back raIsed the ruckus logs to room to more applause. The club The Rhythm Chicken’s rockshow the sky. the place went nuts. owner is standing there. I expect was requested, via Email, for an him to send me back out to play the upcoming Supersuckers gig in “chicken margarita” pizza, canni- “YAAAAAAAY!” I sit back down full hour, but he slaps a $50 bill Milwaukee. Seeing as how this is a bal-style. Radioactive birdseed for and the crowd watches me motion- into my wing and says, “Worth four-hour drive from my the soul! Free Pabst. Free Pabst. less for about ten seconds. I raise every penny!” I throw the drums Woodshed, I requested $40 gas Free Pabst. The opening band my arms again. The crowd yells, into the corner and watch the money. The Emailed reply read, plays. Free Pabst. Free Pabst. Free “YAAAAY!” This little charade Supersuckers from the bar. Free “Let’s just make it $50, and all the Pabst. The soundman finds me and goes on for another twelve min- Pabst. Free Pabst. Free Pabst. After Pabst you can drink.” I smiled. A says, “Okay, you’re on for the next utes. I’m jumping up and down, they’re done I meet some friends at few weeks later I found myself hour.” The next HOUR? Was he waving my wings, doing all sorts the Cactus Club. Christreater is back in Brewtown. The Onion even expecting me to play for an of drunken theatrics, but not once bartending and says, “The Rhythm recommended the show and men- HOUR? This ain’t no PARADE! hitting a drum. The place yells, Chicken HAS TO play here, tioned the scheduled gig by the Free Pabst. Free Pabst. Free Pabst. “YAAAY!” A rather drunk NOW!” I tell him that I’m too Rhythm Chicken/Rally Rabbit I set up my Chicken Kit in the mid- Milwaukeean in front of me grew tired, drunk, and sore, but he wins before he’s off to Poland. dle of the packed club. Free Pabst. tired of my hooshwash and begins me over by saying, “I’ll give you Free Pabst. Free Pabst. “How can I heckling, “Play your drums!”, free Pabst.” Ugh. (Fuck that Rally Rabbit shit! –F.F.) make this last for an HOUR?” Free “You suck!”, “You don’t look like Pabst. Free Pabst. Free Pabst. I use a chicken!”, “You suck!” I flip him (Right on, Rhythm Chicken! You Yeah, so I was about to load my kit no microphones. I pretend to do a off, Johnny Cash-style. He contin- hold the champion belt in ruckus 34 into the club when I soundcheck. Bass drum: THUD, ues to heckle so I decide to finally rock! You stand alone! –F.F.) some previous event. It read, from above, and the crowd [Indeed, Mr. Chicken! I stand “Grammy Awards” with the just goes wild. This is my corrected! –Dr. S.] gramophone symbol. The cool ruckus. This is my punk. This shit really does come together is what keeps me scratching. (Yeah! Now about this in the end. So the D-Plan took The D-Plan were amazing as “hooshwash”… –F.F.) the big stage. Their singer, usual. While tearing down my Travis, addresses the 400+ set, a Chicken fan asks me if Dinghole Report #28: The excited fans, “Hi. We’re the my ruckus logs are two legs Last American Ruckus!…. Dismemberment Plan from from a table. I smile again. (For Now?) Washington DC.” The crowd Afterwards, we all meet at the (Rhythm Chicken sightings yells. Just then, the spotlight Cactus Club. Christreater is #261 and #262) illuminates the side-stage, bartending and says, “The Josh whips open the curtain, Rhythm Chicken HAS TO The very next week it was and there in front of the huge play here, NOW!… I’ll give another four-hour drive down Grammy sign is the Rhythm you free Pabst.” So these were to Milwaukee in the name of Chicken doing his opening the final American gigs of the ruckus. I figured this could drumroll. Perfect! The crowd Rhythm Chicken. Maybe I’ll very well be my last concert in makes a collective “Wha?…” do one more Door County tour the good ol’ US of A for quite as they gather ‘round. The if we get a good blizzard some time. I jumped at the tough-as-nails rhythm rock before I fly off (good being chance to play at the historic fills the old theater and the two feet of snow, or more). Modjeska Theater in kids go crazy! The D-Plan Milwaukee’s old Polish dis- give up some of their own [Well, Mr. Chicken, I await trict with the Dismemberment time slot to enjoy the show. your correspondence from Plan from DC (as in After a few doses of rhythm kielbasa-land. – Dr. S.] Washington, not Door County, ruckus and applause, I feel a common mistake in these that the theater of indie-rock- (Good night, Johnboy! –F.F.) parts). It was a huge ancient ers are ready for my new beautifully ornate theater that ruckus logs. I unsheathe my Dobranoc! left me in awe. As in previous monsters, raise them up, and D-Plan gigs, I fashioned my for a split second all is right in –The Rhythm Chicken very own side-stage with a the world. There I am, the curtain. This time the promot- Rhythm Chicken, holding up [email protected] er even arranged for my own my “Bunny” Carlos rhythm www.rhythmchicken.com spotlight from the balcony! As rockets with a Grammy a backdrop I had an enormous Awards backdrop with a spot- circular prop left behind from light shining down on my
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whole time. Aaron: So have I! Kat: Yes, we’re very sad about your bro- ken window, Aaron. Aaron: It really is broken. Nathan [to Aaron]: Which window!? Watson: The one to his soul. Aaron: I’ve broken a couple of windows in my day. Candice: With his butt. Nathan: He has broken two windows with his ass! Once, as a surprise, he came up to my apartment window and his ass hit the window and the whole thing just shattered, and his ass came through it. It was great! Watson: Did you cut your butt? Aaron: I’m a rock! Nathan [to Watson]: Fuck no! What are you, stupid? Kat: And what was the second time? Candice: That was the second time! Nathan: The first time was at Candice’s mom’s house. Kat: You might want to be careful with that. It’s like a weapon. Watson: You must have a really hard ass. OOnnee MMoorree CChhoorrdd TThhaann tthhee CCoommppeettiiittiiioonn Or a big ass. Or a big, hard ass. Nathan: Aaron’s been arrested, too. IIInntteerrvviiieeww aanndd PPhhoottooss bbyy KKaatt JJeettssoonn Watson: For his ass? Sometime earlier this year The Nathan: That question is too hard. Kat [to Watson]: Do you want to talk about Rattlesnakes slithered over and snuck up Kat: I heard a rumor that you weren’t your drums? You seem sad that you don’t on me. “Hot damn!” I mused to myself as going to play a show for a whole two get to talk about them. they blasted onto the stage and sunk weeks. Is that a record? Watson: That’s all I know how to talk their fangs into my unsuspecting heart. I Nathan: There was a period where we about. knew right then that their love shot of were playing six or seven times a month. Kat: What album do you get sad with? high energy rock would forever be slosh- But that wasn’t until February. Before that Nathan: If I’m feeling like total, total shit, ing through my veins. Looking back on it it was, like, once a month. We once took then I’ll listen to Pedro The Lion. now, I think what initially snagged me six months off. Watson: Do you mean sad ‘cause it affects was Nathan, in a cool, green sweater, Kat: What were you doing? us emotionally, or makes us sad that we’re feverishly dancing and belting out vocals Nathan: We were depressed. listening to it? with vomit-inducing intensity. Imagine if [Watson thinks that’s funny.] Kat: Like when you’re sad and you put on Kurt Cobain stepped in on Frank Kat: Did you look out the window? a record to be sad with… To wallow in Black’s Pixies. Yeah, they’re THAT Aaron: We couldn’t afford a window. your depression, I guess. good! Ask them where they’re from and That’s why we were so sad. Nathan: I like Low a lot when I’m sad. the answer will no doubt garner a quizzi- Nathan: We’re just taking some time off – Watson: I don’t usually wallow. I’ll just cal look followed by something along the getting our album together. put on AC/DC. Or maybe Hank Williams, lines of, “Where the hell is Corona?” Kat: What are you going to do with your Sr. (It’s Southern California-y.) But I album? Kat [to Eric who is sitting across the room thought, what the heck! Even bands Nathan: Sell it. and hasn’t said one word so far in this inter- from funny places deserve an interview. Kat: I want to know why Candice has a view]: Are you okay over there? microphone only sometimes. Kat: Okay, so… What do you think about Kat: What do you think about when you Nathan [to Candice]: Well! when you look out the window? Just kid- look out the window? Candice: They take it away from me when ding. Watson: Which window? It depends. I’m being punished. Watson: You know what? I can’t answer Kat: Any window. Kat: So you’ve been punished for two that because none of my windows look out Nathan: I wasn’t prepared for that. months now? onto anything. Watson: Yeah. I thought you were going to Nathan: We have some songs that she Nathan: Maybe we just need some time to ask me how to play drums. sings on and we have some songs that she warm up, ‘cause that’s a good one, but it’s Kat: I’m sorry. I have no drum questions. doesn’t, but the songs that she sang on were kinda… Nathan: Uh. kinda cuter. And we’re not cute anymore. Aaron: It’s kind of a tricky one. Kat: That’s not a very good answer. Have We’re older now. Kat: Well, you didn’t have any windows in you ever been interviewed before? Kat: That answer will do just fine. school or anything? Watson: I don’t think so. Nathan: I feel like we’re failing this test. Watson: Then I’d think about not being in Nathan: What was the question? Aaron: Wait, do you want the truth when school. Watson: What do we think about when we you ask these questions? Aaron: That’s what I think about – bad look out the window? Kat: Sometimes people are serious. things. But I’m not going to put that in the Nathan: I think about how terrible working Sometimes they’re not. interview. is. Watson: That’s kind of like us. Watson: You think about actually doing Watson: I guess I think about – pretty Aaron: Yeah. Only more so. bad things? trees. The pretty sky. Nathan: I’ve been telling the truth the Aaron: Noooo! Never mind. 38 Watson: I guess I don’t understand. Watson: I think everyone has one bad Kat: Hot! Bands have written songs about Aaron: A couple of weeks ago I was dri- Christmas. One year all I got were shitty the Green Machine. ving on the freeway and there was this toy robots. And I didn’t like robots. Nathan: You’d know it if you had one. dumb fucker in an Aztek behind me with Kat: But even shitty robots… Kat: If you were stuck in an elevator with his brights on, and he just kept getting Watson: No, it sucks. When I was a kid I one live object and one inanimate object, behind me. wasn’t really into ironic toys. I liked toys what would they be, and what would you Watson: An Aztek? that were actually cool. do with them? Aaron: Yeah, the Aztek. It’s the dumbest Aaron: Once I got a bowling ball. Watson: Oh man. I’ll go last. How long are fucking car in the universe. Kat: Is that good? you stuck in there? Watson: I thought it was a person. Aaron: No, I didn’t bowl. Kat: Let’s just say like, a day. Aaron: It looks like Legos. Anyway, this Kat: Well, you could throw that out your Watson: I’d say – this is really generic guy has his fucking brights on and all I window next time you see an Aztek. sounding… A hot chick and a helicopter. could think was that I wanted to stop my Watson: One time I asked for a Mongoose Kat: A helicopter? In an elevator?! car in the middle of the freeway, reach into scooter and my parents got me a Ninja Watson: Yeah. my glove box and get out my tire iron, get scooter, so I ghost-rode it until it died. All I Kat: Okay, well… What would you do out of my car, and smash his lights out. know is that it didn’t have the mongoose on with them? Nathan: Sorry, where were we? it so I wasn’t into it. Watson: Fly around. Kat: No, that’s okay. I guess he was techni- Nathan: Most kids ghost-ride bikes they Kat: In the elevator? cally looking out the window when he don’t want. Watson: You didn’t say how big it was. It thought that. Anyhow, shifting gears – Candice: What does that mean? Ghost-rid- could be a giant elevator. when was the first time you saw penis ing… [Lots of laughter ensues.] whipped out on stage? Aaron: He’s got you Nathan: The singer from there. I’d pick a dolphin The Switch! He pulled out and a bucket of fish, and his dick and wrapped it I’d train that dolphin to around his guitar and he get me out of the eleva- said, “Wrist watch!” I tor. And then I’d sell that think his is the only dick dolphin when I got out. I’ve seen. Like, on eBay. ‘Cause Watson: Except your own. like, it’s trained. Nathan: Except my own. Kat: That’s actually bril- And my roommate’s. liant. I have to commend Watson: You’ve seen you on that answer. your roommate’s dick? Watson: Or a dolphin Nathan: In pictures. and a helicopter. (That doesn’t seem normal Kat: You could teach it to me, but I don’t pursue how to pick up hot that line of questioning.) chicks. Just swoop down Kat [to Eric who still has- in its helicopter. n’t spoken]: You have any Watson: I’ve always input? wanted one (a heli- Eric: I don’t know any- copter). thing. Nathan: You seem more Kat: Okay. like a jet pack kinda guy. Nathan: I guess we don’t go to enough Watson: Where you, like, ride it for a Watson: Either/or. Eric? shows. while and jump off and just push it, and it Eric: What? Kat: What was the best present under the goes by itself until it crashes. Watson: What would you want? Christmas tree? Aaron: Here’s a question for all you guys – Eric: Ask me last. Watson: My Nintendo. did you ever have a Big Wheel? Nathan: I’d say a wizard and a knife. And Nathan: When I was seven years old I real- Watson: Fuck, yeah! I’d use the knife to make the wizard get me ly wanted this G.I. Joe jet and I got it. Aaron: Did you ever turn it upside down out. Aaron: I’m still trying to remember. and turn the pedals and say that you were Aaron: But he’s a wizard. Kat [to Candice]: Did you not have a the ice cream man? Nathan: He still has to do what I say. Christmas tree? Watson: No! That’s the most retarded Watson: You’d need some anti-wizard Watson [to Candice]: What about a bike thing I’ve ever heard. knife or something. with streamers. Aaron and Candice: Everyone on our Nathan: Okay, can I change that to a magic Kat: And a banana seat. block did it. knife? Or maybe a wizard and some vali- Nathan: Wait! One year my mom bought Watson: Well, that’s ‘cause you guys are um. me cans of food ‘cause she didn’t like me. from Corona. Kat: What would you do with the valium? Kat: What?! Candice: I ask everyone and we still can’t Nathan: I’d drug him. And then you don’t Nathan: I got boxes of canned food for figure out where that whole ice cream man even want to know… Christmas. thing came from. Kat [to Candice]: You’re apparently fourth Watson: Awesome! Was it just like food Watson: Maybe Corona?! That doesn’t to answer because Eric would like to be she had in her cupboard for a long time and make any sense to me. last. didn’t want anymore? Aaron: It doesn’t make sense to me either, Watson: C’mon, Candice. You can’t pass Kat: Did she think you were setting up a but we all did it. on this one. food drive or something? Kat: Did any of you have a Green Candice: Yeah, I can. Nathan: I think it was to shove it in my Machine? Nathan: Boooooooo! Booooooo! face that she knew I didn’t have any Nathan: Yeah! I remember the Green Watson: If you pass, I get to bash your money. Machine. head in with one of these 39 [microphones]. Nathan: Really? Name ‘em. Kat: It can be from a movie, too. Nathan [angrily at Candice]: Come on! Watson: Well, there’s “Curse of the Skull Nathan: This is hard for us, ‘cause three of Pick me! Pick me! Head.” us lived together and we didn’t have a tele- Candice: Nathan. Nathan: One. vision for four or five years. Watson: You have to say what Candice Kat: And there are two songs where the Watson: It wasn’t my favorite, but I saw a would say, though. word skull is actually in the song. pilot with The Muffs. It was a cop show Nathan [answering for Candice]: No, you Nathan: Are you sure? and there was a character obsessed with the pick me and… Kat: Swear to God. lead singer of The Muffs. Candice: Nathan and… Kat: Serious? This was a Watson: A million dol- TV show? lars… Watson: It was a pilot that Candice [laughing]: never got made into a Yeah, and a million dol- show. lars. Kat: L7 were in Serial Nathan: Nathan and a Mom. Camel Lips… life raft. Nathan: Aaron’s dumb Kat: Is that your answer? girlfriend at the time want- What would you do with ed me to go see that movie them? with her, and I didn’t Nathan: Or Mexico. Pick know anything about it, Mexico! but she said L7 were in it Everyone: Yeah! wearing crotchless pants, Candice [obviously just so I’m all, “Okay.” I never saying whatever she’s saw the crotchless pants. told to say]: Nathan and Kat: So this interview has Mexico. been me, Nathan, Watson Kat: That’s great, but and Aaron. what would you do with Eric: I’ve said stuff. I said them? You still have to one thing. do something with them. Watson [about Candice Nathan: Duh. YYoouu mmuusstt hhaavvee aa rreeaallllllyy hhaarrdd aassss... OOrr aa bbiiigg aassss... and Eric]: Usually you Watson: Nathan and Or a big, hard ass. can’t get those two to shut Candice would hang out OOrr aa bbiigg,, hhaarrdd aassss.. up. and surf back home. Kat: What video game Kat: In the elevator. would like to be stuck in? Watson: Yes, in the ele- Okay, look, I don’t know vator. how long – it doesn’t have Kat: Mexico is in the ele- to be forever. vator at this point. Eric: Space Quest. You’d Watson: You never said just have a big blockhead how big the elevator was. with this big black dot in Aaron: You’ve got the middle of your head. money. You could buy Watson: Either that or the dolphin off of me. Hamburger Time. Watson: You can surf the Nathan: Burger Time. dolphin. Not Hamburger Time. Aaron: You could buy Watson: Whatever. my trained dolphin, and Nathan: Candice? the dolphin will lead you Candice: I don’t play back home. video games. Nathan: Eric, you need Nathan: You’ve played to go. video games! Eric: Alcohol. And a Watson: You have and robot butler to serve me you know of things called alcohol. video games. Kat: Okay, that’ll do. Nathan: Okay, okay. Well, my brain hurts Aaron: What about Off Road? Aaron: Wait, are robots alive? me A LOT! And I think about that a lot. Nathan: Just pick… Watson: NO! And there’s only so many times you can Kat: Pac-Man. So you can eat lots of dots. Aaron: ‘Cause I saw this really compelling use the word “brain,” so I start using Nathan: Pac-Man: All the dots you can movie… “skull.” As for the horse thing – it’s always eat… Watson: Don’t say Short Circuit. been there in my life, and anything creative Kat: This is your last question, so make Aaron: It was called The Toy, and it was I’ve ever done, horses always end up in it. your answer good. What’s been the wildest about this boy robot and he didn’t want to [Everyone laughs.] thing you’ve done on a dare? be a robot… Nathan: Every short story I’ve ever written Eric: I made out with the same girl Aaron Nathan: Okay, next question. has had a horse in it. I don’t ever do it on and Nathan made out with. A long time Kat [to Nathan]: You have lots of songs purpose, it just ends up there. Maybe in my ago. about skulls and horses. Explain. past life I was a horse. Watson: I wrestled a drunk dog Nathan: There aren’t that many songs Kat: What’s your favorite guest appearance once. But I don’t remember it being about skulls. of a band on a TV show? a dare. Kat: There’s three. Watson: Is a TV show in like, a movie? www.therattlesnakes.com 41
There are bands that The radio sounds mostly like an Interview and extended fart. Critics mix up mind- pictures by Todd help define a time. blowing with PR dick-sucking. Bands I’m not talking in some jackoff that play like they’re providing back- Todd: Lane, please cover the rock journalistic sense that I can ground music to instructions on how incidents leading up to meet- baste myself in the hopes of saying, to tie you shoes are being touted as ing the security personnel of “I knew them back in the day” ten the “voice of a generation.” Leave the Sahara Hotel in Las Vegas. years from now to help slide my me out of it. It reeks of date rapes at Lane: When I was first out there a few years ago for the hand under some lady’s panties or the doorstep of music’s mortuary. Give me D4, a band that plays, Punk Rock Bowling get a backslap from a dude. I’m talk- Tournament, my friends and I ing in a visceral, needle-to-vinyl sometimes bloody, sometimes had an enormous amount of sense where monkeys take over the naked. Give me something that acid so we brought a pretty universe, shove tubes into your mus- makes my stereo’s speakers throb significant amount with us. cles and clamp electrodes on to your and blare as I shout along with The first thing we did as soon fleshy parts. Bewildered, you watch them, providing more ammunition as we got off the plane was them plug in their instruments. for my downstairs neighbors to try drop some acid and hit the bar Before you can react, they blow your and evict me. Give me a bomb that – we’re drinking all night and everything, and sooner or head, making your brain a fluores- hasn’t exploded but the fuse is still lit, held by some grinning, drunk later, someone says, “Man, I cent, glowing mushroom cloud with can’t believe it’s daylight out. nuclear rings smoking out from it. Midwesterners who have given me It’s morning.” It was incom- Music so good, it’s almost impossi- another way to cope with a life prehensible to me. You know ble not to like, unless you mastur- that’s intolerable in so many ways. what it’s like to be in a casino. bate with bobble head figurines of Yeah, it all sounds pretty It’s dark. You’re not supposed teen pop idols or get slap happy to grandiose and maybe I should just to know what time it is. So my the sounds of television screens adjust my meds, but when I plop one friend, Aaron, and I go to breaking. of their records on, things slip loose, investigate and, sure enough, and I say for the thousandth time, we walk outside and the sun in C’mon. Crack the whip. Fuck the shining. It’s beautiful. He and sip. Guzzle. “Yeah, what a motherfucking band.” I feel like we’re in our own world, and I ships. think we’re lucky with that. Within or with- walk into the oasis at the center of the traf- Lane: I think to be effective as a clinician, out of the punk scene, we all had kind of fic circle at the Sahara, and I kind of think, you have to have some degree of objectivi- different tastes, so we weren’t going to be, well, as long as I’m here, I might as well ty and I don’t think I would. Friendships – automatically, anything. It was very up in take a piss. we’ve known each other for a long time, so the air to what kind of sound we would Todd: Since you’re in the jungle. it’s not really a consideration. eventually have because we weren’t going Lane: That’s right. Since I’m at the oasis, Todd: I know that you and Erik met at for any sort of specific thing and the few looking for relief. So, I put my beer down Hamline University, but how did you fall in influences that we all kind of could agree on the pillar and let loose. It was no small line with what you’re doing now? What on, things that we were into, were pretty piss. About halfway through, I suddenly persuaded you to go, “Here’s something diverse right from the start. realized I wasn’t the only one in the world that I haven’t listened to,” and then you Todd: So, how much does Otis Redding with my friend. In fact, there were people start drumming for a band that is, quite pos- have on the direction of your sound? unloading their luggage and milling around sibly, unlike anything you’ve heard specifi- Erik: Direction of the sound? Sometimes, I everywhere and I was in a very, very public cally before? wish more. I think soul music, in particular, place. Luckily, I was able to finish up. I Lane: Well, I spent a couple years pretty when it’s incorporated into punk well, it’s grabbed my beer. I run back inside and go much blackout drunk. so fucking good, but it’s really hard to do it. back to talking to people, which was my Todd: [laughs] Rocket From The Crypt is one of the few girlfriend and some of her friends who I Erik: He’s not kidding. bands that really has – as far as bands that had just met at that time. Didn’t know ‘em. Lane: I’m not kidding. aren’t total garage bands that come much Suddenly, about a minute later, I’m sur- Todd: [tries to stop laughing] more directly from that – done it well. rounded by about five or six armed security Lane: Honestly, though, meeting Erik, and There’s times where we’re like, “Let’s sorta guys, and this guy says, “Do you think what probably one of the first punk bands, quote have one of those beats, sorta like an Otis you just did was funny?” In my state of unquote, was probably Bloodline (a band Redding song.” When you translate that mind, I knew he was trying to trick me into that Erik was in). Where I grew up, there through the four of us, no one would proba- saying something wrong, something that wasn’t punk music. There really wasn’t. It bly ever get that, but that’s how we see it. could lead to a little jail stay or something had never come across my radar screen Lane: It’s an intangible quality and it like that. So, I’m trying to think of a rea- before and I met Erik at college, and gradu- comes down to whether you think a band sonable way to answer that question. I want ally through him, became more and more has depth of influence or not. Those things to put my beer back on the bar to address exposed to punk music and that type of translate in ways that probably, even being
this guy and grab a breath. My depth per- thing. You know, I think there’s a common a member of the band, you don’t really ception was off and thinking that I’m let- sort of problem with people who grow up in understand, but it’s one of those extra little ting my bottle go over the bar, I actually let small towns. There’s a limited number of things that pins you down in another area. it go over the tile floor and it falls. It things that you might come across, espe- Erik: I know in one way that is specifically bounces once and there’s this collective cially if you don’t have access to a bigger Otis Redding. It’s one of those times where gasp, and then it shatters. So, that was, city nearby or that type of thing. the band, in the early tours, would definite- effectively, my answer to that question to Todd: How far away was the biggest city? ly stop being punk as far as what we were that guy. I just turned to him. I said, “You Lane: About sixty miles. Sioux Falls, listening to constantly. I remember – every- know, I have a room at this hotel, and I South Dakota. one’s always been down with Otis Redding believe I’m calling it a night.” And they Todd: In the long run, do you think that’s a – when all of us really started getting into escorted me all the way up to the room with benefit? Do you think you’re more resistant him, really into listening to him, that’s sort a couple of friends I was with. to trends – like pop punk and now emo – of a big departure ‘cause, all of a sudden, Todd: Did they rough you up at all? because there’s more of a foundation set? instead of listening to Jawbreaker and a lot Lane: No. Actually, I’m kind of surprised Lane: I think, across the board, it’s because of the punk bands that we agreed on, we that I didn’t get booted out or that sort of Erik and Paddy and Billy listen to pretty have this other thing that we’re all listening thing. We got up to the room and once that diverse things in punk. They’re not listen- to all the time and we’re finding really door closed, we started rolling in laughter ing to the same sorts of bands. I come from refreshing. Johnny Cash, we hit a period. because it was such a tense moment. At that something that’s probably completely dif- Lane: Motown in general. time, I’m walking up and I’m thinking, if I ferent from the three of them, but yet con- Todd: He’s the only musical artist you’ve bring them all the way up to my room, can nected in some ways, too, because it’s not named directly, correct? they search it? All these things were going like those guys never listened to metal or Erik: In a song, yeah. We also took a Billy though my drug-addled mind at the time. classic rock or some of the other things, Bragg lyric, just straight-up took it. So, I went up and sat down for a couple too. We probably bring a more diverse Todd: Do you remember what the lyric hours and by noon, I was back down drink- range of influences, so it’s harder, maybe, was? ing beer by the pool, so it was no big deal. to see where the influences are coming Erik: Yeah. “Mixing pop and politics, he All’s well that ends well. from. asked me what the use is.” That’s a Billy Todd: With a Ph.D. in clinical psychology, Erik: Bands that really fit, that are card- Bragg lyric, but we didn’t cite it to him. have you ever been tempted to evaluate carrying members of their specific genre – Todd: “And I’ll die the day I find I’m fuck- your own band members? for example – when you have four guys ing useless”? (From the song, “The Great Lane: No. I don’t do that. Honestly. I don’t who are all the biggest into screamo in the American Going Out of Business Sale.”) do that with my friends, and, hopefully, entire town, and they get together and start Erik: Yeah, yeah. We kind of continued they don’t do that with me. a screamo band, you’re not going to get the sentiment. Billy Bragg – Lane and Billy Todd: And also your personal relation- much else than what you’ve heard before. I weren’t into him so much – 49 but me and Paddy have been way, way, that makes you sort of obsessed with that extent. way into fuckin’ Billy Bragg and that’s music. Consequentially, many people go Lane: I think there are some people into another huge influence as far as songwrit- through a period where you become a fuck- punk who are worried that if somehow you ing. Because of Gerty (the non-drinking, ing snob about that music and that’s essen- touch something mainstream, punk is going non-smoking roadie, who’s still with D4, tially what it is. You meet someone who to be co-opted even more. I say, why not from the very first tours) traveling with us, kind of likes jazz, you can talk about jazz. co-opt things from mainstream and make he’s into a lot of mountain music, country You meet someone who’s a freak about them punk? music, and folk music. All of a sudden, we jazz, they’re no fun. Todd: My whole thing is access; have want to listen to Woody Guthrie, and we Todd: What steps have you taken to what we do available, and given the want to listen to Roger Miller. not become that person? At opportunity, drag new people into what Todd: Why are so many punk rockers so times, against my best we’re doing. scared of being influenced by other things efforts, I’m a snob. Erik: Not to the point of trying to write your one poppy hit song so that you can convince people to listen to your other stuff, not really to that extent. Like with any other genre of music, it’s interesting to see the first times we heard punk mixing with country. The first times we heard punk mixing with rap, it was interesting. It turned into something that’s less interesting, is one way to say it, but it’s always interesting to see the first times that that’s done, when you see someone who’s found a new thing that really has- n’t been tried yet. Usually, the initial stuff is a.) pretty popular and b.) interesting and good. I always think that’s cool. Todd: What’s the Twin Cities Pop Mafia? Lane: It’s a series of tattoos on people’s arms. Erik: There was a time when there were all these bands in the Twin Cities – and there still is – but there was a particular, larger group of bands that were more on the pop side of the punk thing. Very few of them were actually pop punk bands. It was
that could never be considered punk rock? Erik: Well, I think I have been that person one of those goofy things that people start Lane admits that he likes Neal Pert of at times. talking about. “We’re the Twin Cities Pop Rush’s drumming. A lot of people would Todd: I think age has something to do with Mafia.” Frank and Norm and various other say, “Fuck you, poser. You’re not punk to it. people in Minneapolis started designing up the core.” Erik: Age is part of it. I’ve definitely gone little tattoos for it and making shirts. It was Erik: Punks, in most cases, like any music- through times when I loved nothing more kind of like a fun thing to have. No sort of based subculture, they’re very into music. than to completely bash anyone else’s organization to it. They don’t just passively know about musical opinion as mainstream and boring Lane: I think it reflects the sense of com- music. They just don’t have stuff that their and trite and useless. I’m that person in the munity that there is in Minneapolis. Even friends play for them and the radio. If you past, but not for many years, so when I do though it’s not a serious organization or it’s get into punk music – this was more so true meet punks who I think are pretty closed not defined in any serious way, it reflects in previous years and it gets a little less true minded about outside influences, I know that people from all types of different as it becomes more available – but you where they’re coming from and they’ll scenes in the cities are hanging together. have to be an active participant in it and probably grow out of that to a certain Todd: You guys have always 51 been very supportive of bands that aren’t tume you had as a kid? nent tents on a platform. It was storming genre specific, but at least share your Lane: I always liked the sheet over the like crazy. It’s the first night there. I was ethics. Atmosphere and Lifter Puller come head with the two eyeholes cut out. No pretty young. I was probably like ten or immediately to mind. You guys turned me fuss, no muss. Get out and collect the candy something. on to them. and get on with life. Weebo (the driver): He’s probably like fif- Erik: Every band winds up with their coun- Todd: Lane, do you have any interest in teen. terpart band. For us, at first, that was doing other things, musically? Erik: Yeah. Storming. I woke up in the Scooby Don’t and that was the most obvi- Lane: For a long time, I’ve been talk- middle of the night. It was probably four ous because they were the only pop punk ing about doing my side project, thirty in the morning. There was a crazy band doing a lot in Minneapolis. Them Spankray, which would be a ripoff thunderstorm going on. I have to shit like and an early band called Dirt Poor, we of a lot of different things crazy. I have no idea where the outhouse is, fit right in with. They would help us and one of things where I but I know it’s storming everywhere and on the few shows that they were get- get a lot of different peo- it’s off in the woods somewhere. I wasn’t ting and when we started to be ple who play a lot of differ- entirely afraid of the dark, but reasonably able to get shows, we would ent things to come and par- freaked out, just with the thunder. I kind of do the same. ticipate on it. I want to do a do the “lay there and pretend that it will go Todd: Dirt Poor. That’s 7” and see what happens. away,” forever. Finally, I’m at that point the guy who’s doing the Todd: What would be the focus, where I’m like, fuck it. I gotta go. I make a label Slamdance theme, or idea? mad dash for it and I fuckin’ just load my Cosmopolis now? Lane: I’d like to do a concept record pants – piss and shit them completely. So, I
Erik: Yeah, which is a phrase that’s and the concept would be to sell a lot of duck into – I don’t remember if I went back Paddy’s been saying since he was fourteen. them… I’m teasing, you know? I think it into the outhouse. I had a bunkmate in my I love the fact that it’s actually used for would be a fun thing to do. I don’t know if tent, so I’m sure I didn’t go in there to take something now. it’ll come to fruition or not. care of it. I was fairly embarrassed. So I Todd: It’s a Clash lyric, isn’t it? (From the Todd: Besides the actual Ramones perfor- pulled my underpants off and fuckin’ song “Ghetto Defendant.” The lyrics were mance, what other direct Ramones refer- winged them off into the woods, just figur- written by Allen Ginsburg.) ence has been in The Simpsons? ing no one will ever know it was me. I Erik: Yeah, it is. Paddy’s always used that Billy: [deliberating] I’ve been thinking of came back. The guy who was in my tent phrase constantly. And then after that, it Homerpalooza. hadn’t woken up, so I figured I was pretty was The Strike. Three out of five shows we Erik: I think it’s the episode where Bart much in the clear. The next day, one of the were playing in town, we were probably and Milhouse drink the crazy Squishees and old campers is poking around in the woods playing with The Strike. It was really weird they’re having their freakout. Or, it’s when and finds this loaded up, nasty fuckin’ piece for people at first, when all of a sudden our Homer takes the fucking chili pepper… of underwear. “What the fuck is this?” counterpart band became Lifter Puller. But Todd: The Guatemalan insanity pepper, Right there, in fuckin’ magic marker: “Erik it was a really cool thing in Minneapolis. At and?… Funk” written right on. first, people didn’t know what to make of Erik: I can’t remember what part of the Todd: I’m sorry. them. They were really more of a bar band freakout. I can’t remember who it is who Lane: That experience went on to be writ- at the time and we started getting them all said it, but he’s having this acid freakout ten in the song, “Who Didn’t Kill Bambi?” ages shows and we would do some twenty- from it and he’s talking to someone and Erik: Did it? one and over ID shows and that was a real- someone’s, “gabba, gooba, gabba, hey.” Lane: No. A little drummer humor going ly cool and fun time. It wound up even Todd: You’re right on track. Homer’s on. enlarging. In Minneapolis, the punk scene looking at Flanders, who’s saying a lot of Todd: Billy, what did Vickie Casey of the has always been tolerant of each other’s gibberish, then says, really clearly, “Gabba Star Tribune get wrong about you? band – but all of a sudden, it opened up an gabba hey.” Billy: Oh, Jesus. Contrary to popular belief, even larger spectrum. Like, wow, here’s Erik: I watch insane amounts of Simpsons. I never was a classical cellist. this kind of indie rock band, but because we Lane: I thought you were trying to make us Erik: You look nothing like Aaron Lloyd, were playing together, we’d go to their look good in this interview. the guy who played Billy for that interview. shows when we weren’t playing, and all of Erik: Two or three episodes a day for Lane: Billy wasn’t there and the Star a sudden, you’d be seeing the same people. years, but I smoke a lot of weed when I do Tribune said that they were going to buy us And vice versa. We would play a more bar- it. free dinner and free drinks, and my friend ish sort of place, and there’s more indie Todd: Did any of you ever go to camp? Aaron was around. We asked him, “Why rocker types that started to catch on. Erik: I went to a Boy Scout camp for few don’t you just pretend to be Billy?” He goes There’s a lot of bands in Minneapolis that years, during junior high. My last year of and fills in some details – most of them we never really got on with or just never Boy Scout camp, I bought a bunch of weed inaccurate – and after the interview, we wound up hooking up and doing anything and just sat around for a week and got high proceed to smoke some weed or hash or with, but regardless of specifically what in the woods. whatever with Vickie. We smoked her out. punk genre you’re in or anything like that, Lane: Erik, I think you need to tell your Actually, it was Aaron who smoked her up if we like the band, we want people who loading your underpants at camp story. out in the car. The next day, the story was like us to know about that band. We’ve Erik: It was my first night at one of the getting ready to run. She’d gone and looked never been shy about it. Boy Scout camps, which just had tents, not at pictures on the album or something. Todd: What was the best Halloween cos- cabins, but they were kind of like perma- Billy: I went out to the car. I heard you guys were smoking weed. I went up to Todd: What kind of ethics did he instill in side of my family is nothing but longshore- Aaron, and he was like, “Hey Billy, what’s you? men, and at one time, a lot of them were up, dude?” Paddy: It’s funny because the things he cops. A lot of that side of my family, there Lane: That was another piece of it, but then instilled in me are almost cliché nowadays was also a lot of involvement in organized when she finally figured out that Billy was and I’m almost embarrassed to say them. crime and all sorts of stuff. But I’d say Billy, and Aaron wasn’t Billy, she freaked Songs, like “Superpowers Enable Me to mostly not being embarrassed if someone’s the fuck out. She was very angry. Blend in with the Machinery” and “The got to work for a living, which I think came Erik: She talked to us about integrity. Great American Going Out of Business in really handy for me, somewhere around Lane: And talking about how they weren’t Sale,” that’s all my dad’s influence; very early junior high. When fashion, style, and going to run the story and this and that. Big much a working man’s view of the world. “toys” come into play, I was being very fuckin’ deal. We could give a solidified with not being shit. But I also think she was obsessed with that. I got also a little intimidated that from my dad. But my because she’d gotten good dad was a little bit too and high with us, too. much into the ladies. Erik: They had sent over the That’s why my folks got photographer to take the pic- divorced. There was a tures for the story, and she long stretch where I had was like, “So, I’m looking at no respect for him, too. the pictures, and that guy in Todd: Erik, how did your the picture isn’t the Billy parents – who are both who I interviewed.” academics – feel when Todd: What’s the longest you dropped out of high ruse you’ve ever pulled on school? anyone? Erik: Yeah, I just kind of Paddy: The band. gave up on high school, Todd: So, Erik, when you which, in turn, high school were in high school, were gave up on me. I eventual- you ever asked to go to drug ly finished and I managed counseling, due to your eyes to finish in four years. I looking so sunken? was lucky because my Erik: I had to go to a bunch older brother was a dumb of other shit, but I always shit. By comparison, no managed to conceal my drug matter how bad I was with use. I denied everything and I most things, he was never got busted with any always capable of doing drugs. I did get tricked. I had something way worse. As to see a bunch of different far as academics, he was a people and at one point, I had lot stronger – as far as not to go downtown to see this fucking around too much guy who was the head of and completing his work. Northwestern’s psychologi- But I think they knew I cal program for adolescents. I read on my own. They got down there. He worked at knew that it wasn’t like I an in-patient place, so I had a didn’t have any intellectu- total freakout. I was pretty al desire, promise, or any- sure that I was being commit- thing like that. They ted at that point because I understood my problem looked around. “In-patient?” was with book work and And I’m looking at all of daily homework. I didn’t these other teenagers walking give a shit about that kind around. Fuck this. I bolted of stuff. I don’t think they for the door. They had to run were ever concerned that I after me and convince me was mindless or that dif- that I wasn’t being commit- ferent than them, not hav- ted. That turned out to not be ing any academic inter- drugs. I think most of my ests. high school problems weren’t Todd: I have to admit that actually drugs, but if they would have had You can hate the country, but you don’t the first time I came across the writer any reason to suspect I was doing any necessarily hate the people, you know what Nelson Algren was because you mentioned drugs, they would have written them all off I mean? him in your song, “Doublewhiskeycoke- to them. So, I got lucky on that. Todd: Did he hate the country? noice.” Todd: So, Paddy, your dad was a long- Paddy: Oh, yeah. He really did get out of Erik: There’s a lot of people who’ve said shoreman, correct? the army, all that stuff. I think he was a that. Paddy: Yep. pretty good example of that ‘50s/’60s peri- Todd: And I was kind of ashamed, because Todd: Was he union? od of Jersey City/New York City. He didn’t literature was what I got my masters in and Paddy: Oh, yeah. Well, he was a dock boss have a racist bone in him, but he hated rich his name never came up. It’s amazing that for the last fifteen years of his life, which is people. If anything, his world view is a lit- he’s taken out of the canon altogether. kinda like working the counter, becoming tle distorted to what degree he hated rich Here’s a guy who sold 500,000 copies of the manager. people. He was very distrustful. That entire Walk on the Wild Side less 53 than fifty years ago and he’s basically forgotten. Paddy: And it’s kind of iron- ic, too, because you have Hemingway, who never swayed in popularity or respect and he said that Algren was the second great- est American writer of his generation, because, of course, Hemingway thought he was the first. That’s the stuff that blows my mind. Erik: So many writers refer to Algren. The greats of that period. Todd: With this band, there were two members who had a hard time getting through high school, but you com- prise of one of the most intel- ligent and politically informed bands I’ve ever heard. And I’ll quote Paddy here, you’re political, “Not in a late-period Crass sensibili-
I
Paddy: Most inefficiently? “Well, we don’t hate the Warped Tour. We ty, but in a Bruce Springsteen sensibility.” Todd: Well, I read a quote, again in the Star just don’t feel it’s right for us.” But then How did that come about? It’s not complete- Tribune, that states: “The group is steadfast you’ll get some California weekly, and not ly bookish. It’s not a bad xerox copy of a in its pursuit on how to be punk.” That just necessarily in quotes, but the comment will half-assed political pamphlet. Where did doesn’t sound like anything you’d be close be, “Absolutely in defiance of all things those well formed ideas come from? to saying. [laughter] Warped Tour. Dillinger Four has committed Erik: I know that I didn’t really start to pay Lane: I don’t think any of us said that. I themselves to fighting the Warped Tour.” attention to politics, and in particular start think there were a lot of inaccuracies in that Lane: We can’t say that it’s not uncommon. becoming interested in leftist politics and article, separate from the fact that we had Todd: Paddy, weren’t you in a bar, naked? not mainstream politics, until middle high someone playing Billy. Paddy: I don’t think so… oh, the Scared of school, and around the era of Born Against. Erik: In my experience, a lot of the time, it Chaka show in Denver I had dyed pubic There were the bands that were starting to does seem like the larger the publication, the hair. I was naked there. Well, that isn’t true. pique my interest in that kind of stuff. It sort of the less specific, the less carefully the I had sneakers and sunglasses on. I don’t really came from punk bands. quotes are used. With a lot of the smaller know. It was just something fun to do. The Todd: Billy, have you learned anything, ones, it’s almost too careful, where it’s Gerty made me do it. politically, from being in this band? printed exactly how someone talks, that it Todd: Paddy, whatever became of the peti- Paddy: Don’t pass out with your shoes on. doesn’t make sense. You can’t always punc- tion to place Ronald Reagan onto Mount Billy: Yeah, no shit. tuate properly the way someone speaks. I Rushmore? Todd: Why don’t you pass out with your think, about eighty percent of the time, Erik: There was a petition to put Ronald shoes on? unless it was an email interview, I’ll go back Reagan on Rount Mushmore? Wait. Rount Lane: That’s the rules. and I’m like, that’s not really what I said, or Mushmore? Wooo, I talkie goodie. Hello? Paddy: Because that means people are that’s only part of what I said. I feel that’s Paddy: There was a petition for it on the allowed to fuck with them. pretty common. internet, but I never heard anything more Billy: If you fall asleep with your shoes on, Lane: Sort of interesting editing that can go about it, though. Amphetamine Reptile got you just passed out. If you take your shoes on. it. It was just one of those things where peo- off, you’re going to bed. Paddy: I think a lot of times, it’s just hear- ple were sending out to random emails. I Erik: Good advice. ing the wrong thing. The entire “can” was very upset that it didn’t happen. I feel Paddy: Not to answer Billy’s question, but I replaced with “can’t,” and “would” with very strongly that Ronald Reagan should be think you were already in tune with exactly “wouldn’t,” drives me fucking crazy and up there. the way we all were. That’s why we wanted that happens a lot. Lane: I think it was actually Ronald Billy in so bad. Everything from the non- Erik: Because that totally changes every- Reagan’s idea, but then he forgot to pursue dogmatic leftist leanings to the sarcasm. thing, you know? it. You were already there, man. You did a Paddy: A couple of these California week- [laughter] great job on your own. lies have been pretty foul. They’ll ask you, Paddy: I don’t know if the mountain’s that Todd: What publication has quoted you the point blank, “So, why do you guys hate the big, either. Couldn’t get the hair. most inefficiently? Warped Tour?” Your response will be, Todd: What’s the most 55 scathing criticism you’ve received that you told the staff about it yet. We got this call at ground music start with hip hop? could kind of get their point? home: “There’s some lady here, saying that Paddy: I got into punk and hip hop at almost Lane: One time, many years ago, someone she has some card that gets her a free forty?” exactly the same time. Erik and I were lucky came to check out our band in our home- “I don’t think so.” You know what I mean? enough that we grew up in Evanston, town and it was one of those over-the-top Paddy: Well, it was only because you told Illinois, and WNUR, which is drunk shows, where I’m not even sure if we me about it the night before and I was just Northwestern’s college station, around 1984 really played songs or not, and apparently kind of testy because the skirt was so tight. was awesome. The hip hop shows were phe- when he left the quote was, “I’ve never felt Todd: Have any “famous” punk rockers nomenally great and there was a punk show more ripped off in my life.” been expelled from the Triple Rock? that was called “Fast and Loud,” that was Paddy: He’s in that band, The Rank Erik: Yeah. Paddy Costello. [laughter] Billy fucking great. A lot of record collectors Strangers. Show comments, though, I don’t Morrisette. [laughter] The roadie for GBH. would probably know, because they’re the really take to heart because our shows vary Scared of Chaka. I’m cool with them. They people who put out the Big Hits of Mid- so much. If somebody sees one of the partic- can come in now. The main guy, Karl – who America comp, so I got into them at the ularly crazy ones, and is like, “That sucked,” was in GBH, Broken Bones, also in same time, but that’s why, to me – Billy and well, they’re just not into those kinds of Billyclub. I talk about this a lot – underground hip hop shows. We are. Whatever. Todd: He’s the guy who was in Conflict, and punk rock go hand in hand. That’s why I Erik: Not scathing criticism. I thinking of too. hated it in the ‘90s, when they’d say, “Hip that thing in Alternative Press where it was Erik: …Also Frankie Stubbs of Leatherface hop is the punk of the ‘90s.” No. Hip hop is talking about Versus God. It was some- needed to be told to leave. If no one the hip hop of the ‘90s and punk is the punk thing like, “This doesn’t break one iota did, we were asleep at the switch. of the ‘90s. But, technically, and I’m not of musical ground…” Todd: “Dillinger Four isn’t exactly groundbreaking. There’s nothing genius about the four”? Is that the quote? Erik: Something like that, but it was actual- ly a good review. That was just a part of it. Todd: The quote I found was off of
NAMED DAVE EMBARK ON THE WAR ON PORCELAINInterview by Megan Pants TOUR and Todd RONNIE DICOLA– DRUMS BIG DAVE KAKTIS – BASS LITTLE DAVE MERRIMAN – GUITAR, VOCALS ISAAC THOTZ – VOCALS, GUITAR
It’s hard not to cringe a bit at venting, what punk rock can be. all of the new ways that “punk” Ironically, they’d broken up for is finding to fit itself into con- all intents and purposes. The band versations. I’ve always had a just didn’t seem to be in the cards. relatively loose definition of Isaac was gearing up into go to the what fell under its umbrella. Peace Corps. Big Dave, Little Dave, Hell, I wouldn’t even call and Ronnie had a gig playing in a myself punk. Sure, I like punk blues band. Life was alright. Enter rock. I wear Converse and life’s intangibles, mix in an invita- have a bad haircut (no offense tion to play with Dillinger Four, dou- to my personal bathroom bar- ble check the chemistry’s all bub- ber). I’m not the nicest person bling, and dang it, you’ve got the you’ll meet and my hygiene’s second coming of The Arrivals, a not so great. I may be bit of a resurrection worth celebrating. scumbag but I’m just not punk. I like what I like, whatever it is. Megan: You guys are from That’s where the Arrivals Chicago, right? come in. They’ll be the first to All: Yes. tell you that they don’t know Megan: So where the fuck are you where their punk classifica- surfing? [laughter] tion comes in. They’re more Isaac: You can’t even swim in likely to be listening to Muddy Lake Michigan. Waters, Wu-Tang Clan, or Led Todd: Well how did the song “Surf Zeppelin than whatever is Riot” come, then? gracing some punk top twenty Little Dave: It was one of the first list. Sure, they like the songs that we wrote and we wanted Ramones and Pegboy, but it to write a surfy sounding song. doesn’t just simply begin and Then we came up with a riff, it was end there. actually Pat from the Matics, and I first heard the Arrivals me and him then – because Dave when my friend Sean brought Kaktis wasn’t in the band yet – just their CD, Goodbye New World, started writing the song and Isaac back with him after playing wrote the lyrics. with them in Chicago. Isaac: We were just joking around. Practically every time I’d ride Little Dave: “Hey guys, wouldn’t in his car, I’d have him put it it be fun if we had a surf riot?” on. When I got my own copy, I That’s seriously what the whole don’t think I went a day with- ISAAC song is about. out listening to it for almost a Todd: How do you make your year. Something new always music sound like your lyrics mean grabbed me. laziness. What ever happened to the idea, something? Their sound is original. No two folks can that instead of squeezing out songs like Little Dave: I don’t know, because some of put the same finger on it. People seem to toothpaste to keep your label smiling bright- them don’t. Some of them do. We oftentimes hear what they want to hear. There’s fleeting ly, of making those the best songs you can write the songs first and then freestyle the bits of The Thumbs, bits of Articles of Faith, record? It’s apparent they haven’t lost their lyrics until we have something. We’ll be bits of the Ventures, and bits of Eddie touch. It gives me such a good feeling that playing them live for months and months Cochran. When it’s all said and done, though, something this good is in there amongst all without any lyrics, just mushmouthing them. I just hear The Arrivals. They’ll be who I com- the pseudo-pop-punk-glam-core-revivalist Todd: Are the printed lyrics different from pare other bands to from now on. shit coming out, all thinking they are the the actual lyrics that you play now? Although they’ve been together for the ones to resurrect punk from the grave of the Little Dave: Sometimes. We hardly even better part of a decade, they’re just getting eighties. I’ve got news for them: it never printed the lyrics. If you can read them, around to releasing their second record, died. The Arrivals are one of the strongest in bravo. Exsenator Orange. It isn’t out of any sort of the legions who are not revitalizing, but rein- Todd: I had someone actually find them and of us will be like, “This sounds like this or everybody who doesn’t know the original transcribe them for me. that.” Then we’ll screw around with it until it idea, where that idea came from, everyone Isaac: That’s scary. Our lyrics actually mean doesn’t sound like it anymore. And then throws in what they want to do with the song something now. On the new album there’ll once we bring it to Ronnie and Dave – well, and that way it ends up coming out different be some content to the songs. I can’t say that, because it usually happens in than just ripping someone off. Little Dave: Not that there’s none with the the same room at the same time. Then they Little Dave: “Heavyweight” is a good exam- old stuff. I feel bad just writing it off. get the basis of it and they’re doing the ple of that. That’s on the album, isn’t it? Todd: What do the Arrivals and Gary Sinise skeleton of the riff with the bass lines and All: Mmmhhhhmmm. have in common? me and Isaac just go stupid on top of that. Little Dave: With “Heavyweight,” I wrote Isaac: I met Gary Sinise’s brother once. He Ronnie: Usually, Dave and Isaac are usually the original riff, and it was just me and Isaac tried to sell me a drill. I was out doing yard the songwriters and then they’ll bring some- in my living room, and Isaac was like, “Oh work and he’s like, “Hey man, you wanna thing to me and Dave and we’ll be like, “All yeah, I have a vocal idea.” And he starts buy a drill?” going through it and I found out that Little Dave: I’m his third or fourth he was putting down beats in a com- cousin. I’ve never met him or any- pletely different spot and it just thing. sounded cooler, and that’s how it Todd: You guys are from the same ended up. area, correct? Todd: Are you the Dave Merriman Little Dave: Yeah, we all grew up in who was in the Canadian band, northwest Indiana or the south side Cousin Henry? Chicago. Little Dave: No. There was a Dave Todd: You guys are from Blue Merriman in something else? Island? Megan: What about Dave Merriman, Little Dave: Yeah. physics major at the College of Isaac: His brother is a hobo in Blue Wooster in Ohio? Island. He’s a homeless guy who Little Dave: No. walks around. Megan: Well, are you at least the Little Dave: That doesn’t make any Dave Merriman who was bound and money off Of Mice and Men. gagged at a radio station? Megan: Enuff Znuff is from there Little Dave: Yes. too, right? Megan: What was that all about? Little Dave: Yup. Don’t ask. Little Dave: The Matics, ever since Todd: Do you cover Enuff Znuff they started the band, there’s been yet? these guys, the Invisibles that come All: No. around. They always show up when Megan: It’s interesting because The the Matics aren’t around. Me and my Shepherd Express said that you have girlfriend were driving past the sta- a “…head pounding rhythm section tion. It’s a college station – Saint inspired by ‘80s hair metal bands.” Xavier on the South Side – it’s actu- That was a positive review. ally in Chicago. We were just driving Little Dave: Oh my god. by and our friends had a show there Megan: Yup, a glowing review. so I was like, “Hey honey, you want Little Dave: We know our fair to go to the station and just hang out share. I mean we definitely know the and say hi to them?” We went in Poison catalog, between me and Big there and were sitting in there for Dave, in and out. twenty minutes and all of the sudden five guys with masks came in with water guns and duct tape and ended Q: WHAT TOY DID YOU up taping us to chairs. They left my WANT BUT NEVER GOT? LITTLE DAVE: girlfriend alone. That’s the reason
OH! THE OMNIBOT 2000. IT WAS THIS LITTLE PROGRAMMABLE RADIO CONTROLLED ROBOT THAT YOU COULD HAVE GET YOUR DRINKS FOR YOU AND SHIT. RONNIE: HOLY SHIT, DUDE! ROCK THE FUCK OUT! they didn’t get their asses kicked. They threw on a Matics CD and on the cover of Todd: Taking into account that you’ve been right.” That’s usually at practice. There’s the CD it says, “Consider this a warning.” compared to everything from a “punkified, probably four or five different things I’ll try And just left. That was it. XTC” to the Stranglers, do you think in your to do on the drums. We’re all collaborating Todd: Ronnie, you started drumming with heart of hearts that you’re creating original on ideas; the same with the bass. We’re – me The Arrivals when you were about fifteen? music? and Dave – this is once like every thirty Ronnie: Yeah, late fourteen, early fifteen Little Dave: We don’t. Every song we do songs or something, we’ll actually say, years-old. we think we’re ripping off something. We “Let’s do this for a song.” And these two Todd: And you did the studio stuff for The don’t know what, but we know it’s some- (Isaac and Little Dave) will be like, “Okay, Repellents? thing. We’re always paranoid that some- let’s collaborate on it.” It just comes together Ronnie: That was when I was fifteen, too. body’s going to think that we’re doing this. when we play, you know? Especially when Todd: So how is it that – how old are you We try hard not to. these guys write a song, it just kind of hap- now? Todd: What do you do to try not to? pens. It just comes out the way it does. Ronnie: Twenty-one. Little Dave: We’ll start a riff and then one Isaac: Even if we have an original idea, Todd: How is it in that span of 59 time, that you’ve only released two readily Megan: From everything I’ve heard, you’re would just be fun to come back like, “What’s available albums? happily married, but so many of the songs up now, motherfucker?” Smile at him real Ronnie: I don’t feel a need to hurry up and are heartbreakers. Where does that come big. put some shit out. I’d rather wait and have from? Todd: What’s the worst place you’ve had something that we’re satisfied with come Isaac: I don’t know, I guess… van trouble? Didn’t you miss South By out. Within the past couple of years we’ve Little Dave: Most of those songs were writ- Southwest? all had different shit going on that maybe ten before. Little Dave: No, we missed a New York took our focus away from the band for a lit- Isaac: Yeah, they’re old songs. I had a rough show because we were in New Jersey and tle bit or drew our attention towards some- time before I was married. the transmission fell out. thing else. I have to say, I don’t care if an Big Dave: Wait ‘til our third album. Big Dave: Not if you count the van trouble album doesn’t come out for ten years. If it’s Isaac: We still have a couple heartbreak we’re riding around in now, which is a mini- a good album, it’s a good album. If it’s a bad songs on this one, but they’re just residue van. album, it’s a bad album. from past relationships. Little Dave: Yeah, our transmission got Todd: Didn’t you put out Information from Todd: Who is Amadou Diallo and why did really messed up and we ended up having to Cabal Headquarters? you give a song to a comp in his memory? rent a vehicle, which is why we’re riding in a Ronnie: That was our first tape. That was Little Dave: Amadou Diallo is a guy who minivan now. Big Dave: We junked our van in White Plains, New York in a junkyard. Little Dave: With a guy who hangs out at the Coyote Ugly Bar. He’s like, [in a New York accent] “Oh yeah, you guys are playin’ in New York City tomorrow night? Alright! I’m going to that Coyote Ugly Bar!” I forgot what it was called, like Hogs and Heffers or something. He’s like, “Yeah, I’m just divorced, so I’m gonna try to meet some ladies and blah blah blah. You guys are rock and roll? Oh, okay I’ll go and blah blah blah.” Todd: You’ve had your van broken into, is that correct? All: Yeah. Todd: And the only things that were stolen were your duffel bags… Little Dave: How do you know all of this? No, (Big) Dave’s first guitar he ever had was stolen. It was this guitar that has this built-in speaker. My leather jacket, which I had just gotten back that day from the leather guy – I had the sleeves redone – that was stolen. Isaac: I had a book bag. Little Dave: Isaac lost his book bag with all his toiletries. And there was a TV and a Playstation in there that they didn’t take. Todd: Weird. Little Dave: It was really weird. BIG DAVE Todd: Where was that? Little Dave: That was in Detroit. something we did when I was fifteen. We was shot forty-one times by the New York Todd: Was it broken into? Did they break went in… police. He was unarmed. They found him the locks? Little Dave: It was the same place they suspect for something and shot him forty-one Little Dave: No, somebody forgot to lock recorded The Repellents album, right? times when he was laying down after the the door. Ronnie: Yeah. first couple of shots, which were mortal Isaac: I wonder who that was? Megan: Three songs off of that are also on wounds. We gave the song to the comp Little Dave: I haven’t the slightest. Goodbye New World, right? because Isaac’s friend runs Failed Megan: So how does it feel to be one of the Big Dave: Re-recorded versions of them, Experiment. I wish we could sound more only bands of this era to say that they played though. socially conscious. I learned that when we with the “King”? Isaac: I thought it was just two. got the CD and I read it, to tell you the truth. Little Dave: What? Little Dave: “Surf Riot,” “Manifesto,” Todd: Little Dave, have you ever met a Megan: You played with Jerry Lawler, and… more rocking guitarist who has braces, such right? Megan: “Tornado.” as yourself? Because I would have to say, in Little Dave: Yeah, I thought you said the Little Dave: Yeah, so three. all my years, that you would have to be the Kinks. We were with the Bump ‘N Uglies. Ronnie: That’s the only way I can answer number one guitarist in braces. Both of us played with Jerry “the King” that. Little Dave: You know what? No. I take the Lawler. Little Dave: I can say severe writer’s block. crown. I got half of my grill back, though. Todd: How do you get to play with Jerry Megan: Isaac, do you write most of the Todd: I saw. Because I saw you last year Lawler? lyrics? when you played with Toys That Kill and Little Dave: They invited us up. They do a Isaac: Yeah, I wrote the lyrics for probably Tiltwheel. rock and wrestling thing in Detroit once a eight songs, maybe ten. Little Dave: I just got them off two weeks year. Little Dave: Out of the fifteen? ago. Lane from D4 said he would drop off Todd: Is he an emcee? Isaac: Yeah. the tour if I still had braces. I thought it Little Dave: They hired him in as the guest. They have their own independent wrestling we do. I think it’s just that we all have a deep I really have to find one when I get home. federation. will to rock as hard as we can and we’re still Little Dave: They actually just quit their Big Dave: We have some pictures we should young, so it’s still going as fast as we can do jobs right before we left. send you. it. I was just talking to Todd (Toys That Kill) Ronnie: Our fuckin’ shitty bosses… me and Little Dave: Pictures of his door. It says, over there and he was like, “Hey, do you Big Dave were playing in a blues band down “Mr. Lawler Only” and a star drawn on the know this band or this band?” I’m clueless. the street from where we work and our boss piece of paper and it’s like a closet. You can’t talk to me about what band’s on gave me some shit and took me off from Big Dave: There’s a picture with him and what label because most of ‘em I hate. I work and I said, “Hey man, do I work for the door’s half open and you can see the hated Dillinger Four the first couple of times you any more or not?” and he’s like, “Well, I room. It’s too funny. I listened to Midwestern Songs because I was don’t know. You played for the bar I was in Little Dave: It’s so fucking funny. putting every band guilty until proven inno- competition with for twenty years.” I was Todd: How many chords do you think you cent. It took me a while to figure out that like, “You’re a fucking child, dude.” can get away with before confusing punk they’re doing something that I really enjoy. I Little Dave: To give a back story on that – rockers? I can count more than three in there just poo poo everything. I don’t mean to Dave, Ronnie, and I have a blues band, too. already. How far are you willing to go? sound snobby – I mean we’re in the punk We play the Blue Island bars and we played Ronnie: Can I say something real quick? pantheon, or whatever – but we’re clueless. the bar right down the block. Seriously. That may be why we use more than three Big Dave: It’s a way to get extra cash and a Big Dave: No, wait your turn. chords. We’re not really influenced by that. way to have fun. Ronnie: Alright, go ahead, dude. Ronnie: I like the Ramones. Then again, I Little Dave: We pretty much tried to turn Little Dave: Until we sound like Rush. like Metallica, too. this place into a pretty rock’n’roll punk bar. Ronnie: Let me explain something. Music is Little Dave: And they have movements. They had Toys That Kill and Dillinger Four music, okay? Me? I don’t care how many They have opuses. The old shit, anyway. in the jukebox. fucking chords. I don’t care how many fuck- Ronnie: I mean I like the Wu Tang Clan, but Ronnie: Naked Raygun, Pegboy. We just ing drum fills. I don’t care how many what- then I’ll rock out to the Pixies, too. went in there and there were a bunch of local ever lyrics you put in a song. Music is music, Big Dave: I’m more of a rocker. I like Led people who liked to drink after work. We
RONNIE: I DON’T CARE IF WE PUT FUCKING NINE CHORDS IN A SONG, DUDE. IF IT’S PUNK ROCK OR IF IT’S ROCK’N’ROLL, IT’S ROCK’N’ROLL OR PUNK ROCK.BIG DAVE: THERE IS NO NINTH CHORD, DUDE. started to work there and bring a Zeppelin and AC/DC. I like the blues, younger crowd in. We figured that, fuck too. We all listen to everything. We all bring dude, now the jukebox is nothing but the man. I don’t care if we put fucking nine whatever it is and… if it rocks, it rocks. Pixies, Naked Raygun, D4, us, the Matics. chords in a song, dude. If it’s punk rock or if Little Dave: It just kind of happens that way It’s bringing in that younger crowd. That’s it’s rock’n’roll, it’s rock’n’roll or punk rock. when we’re writing a song and when we’re all over with, though, because the guy was Big Dave: There is no ninth chord, dude. playing. There’s so many different ways of pretty much a dickhead about us playing Ronnie: That’s what I have to say. looking at it. We don’t have a unified way down the street, so we ended up quitting our Little Dave: I’m not sure if I know what the of, “Oh, we’re trying to do this.” job before we left. It’s no big deal. Isaac ninth is. Todd: [big, important guy voice] “The 1977 does something with carpentry. Ronnie: Who cares if there’s fuckin’ ten thing. I really like the Vibrators’ sound. The Daves: Gardening. chords or three chords? We’re trying to go with that.” Ronnie: That was his hobby, I thought. Big Dave: A good breakdown is that Isaac Big Dave: Plug it in. Turn it up. Big Dave: It’s his job, too. does all of the power chords, the rhythmic – Todd: The only reason I interview bands Megan: Did you say gardening? the riffing it – and he plays more on the top ever is because I really like them. I mean, I Little Dave: No joke. of a chord. only saw you guys play once and I got the Megan: Along those lines, there’s a lot of Ronnie: Little Dave? CD. It’s seriously been in rotation for about horticultural references in your songs: “Lay Big Dave: No, more like phrasing. There’s a eight months. sod where devils play” and “don’t fallow my little more going on than just a straight-up Little Dave: We’ve got some new shit. brain.” barre chord. He does the hot licks. Isaac does Todd: Everybody has to answer this one. Little Dave: That’s Isaac. the hot riffs and he (Ronnie) does the hot How many times in a regular day do you Megan: He’s a green thumb? licks. check your clock? Little Dave: To the bone. Ronnie: I’m just talking out of my mouth Little Dave: I… don’t… know. Megan: How many times has someone tried right now. Big Dave: Anytime you use your phone. I to get all witty with you guys and ask, “Have Little Dave: This is Ronnie DiLicks. mean, we have our cell phones, so every you arrived yet?” Ronnie: There is so much music that I go time you pick it up, you look. We look a lot Little Dave: Fuckin’, seriously, almost home and listen to. I enjoy everything. I go more in the last twelve days because of the every place we go. home and I fuckin’ pop on Wu Tang. I mean, time change. Todd: Two of you went to college, is that music is music. If there’s something that you Little Dave: We think we’re gonna be late correct? enjoy, that’s what I think punk rock is all for every show. Little Dave: Isaac and I did. Well, Dave about. If there’s something you enjoy, I Ronnie: When we’re home – every morning went to Columbia for a little bit. don’t give a fuck what anyone says, go fuck- as soon as I get up, I look at my clock, then a Big Dave: I went to community college after ing listen to what you want to listen to. good five or six times a day I check what high school and then took a break and went Enjoy yourself. time it is. to Columbia in Chicago for a year. Todd: I listen to a lot of Otis Redding and Todd: What are your day jobs? Ronnie: I went to Moraine Valley for like Johnny Cash, too. Little Dave: I work at a sign shop making two weeks. Big Dave: Otis is my man! cut vinyl details. Little Dave: That’s the community college Little Dave: We’re not influenced by punk Ronnie: I discover the best ways to have sex on the South Siiiiide. rock much, to tell you the truth. I don’t even in my room. That’s my day job. Big Dave: I discovered that when you really know how we end up sounding the way that Big Dave: I have one little part time job, but want to get serious about it, 61 because when you take out those loans – no, another one so fucking bad and my parents walking into the D4 trailer and going… don’t fuck around until you really know wouldn’t get it for me. Ronnie: “I just want to tell you four good what you want to do. I realized that I didn’t Big Dave: My big two – again being the luck. We’re all counting on you.” really want to do that. Someday. I don’t big, chubby guy – I always wanted one of Little Dave: And then he’ll leave and come know. Maybe, maybe not, though. those battery operated Powerwheels, those back five minutes later and… Todd: What’s the last song you caught little cars. I never got one. I had a CHiPs Ronnie: “I just want to tell you four good yourself singing in the shower? motorcycle, but you had to pedal it. luck.” Little Dave: “Unchained Melody” from the Everyone else had the cars, but I couldn’t Megan: It’s called Fuck, Marry, Kill. You Righteous Brothers. have that. Another one – I always wanted a have to put one of the following into each Ronnie: “I Got My Mojo Working” by remote controlled airplane. That would’ve category. Muddy Waters, or I just freestyle. been tight, but it didn’t happen. Little Dave: Is this one of those psycholog- Big Dave: How does that go? Todd: What movie do you find yourself ical evaluations? Ronnie, Little Dave and Megan: [singing quoting the most? Big Dave: Marry as in getting married? and guitar sounds] “I got my mojo working, Little Dave: It’s a mixture between Blazing Megan: Yeah. You’re working with Davey but it just don’t work on you.” Big Dave: I don’t know. I don’t really sing too much in the shower. Todd: What band bummed you out RONNIE the most when you heard them do the soundtrack for a commercial? For instance, I got really bummed out when I heard the Buzzcocks do Toyota. Little Dave: The Iggy Pop one, he had a couple. “Passenger” was on one and “Lust for Life” was on another. “Search and Destroy” was on one, too. Todd: I mean you know it’s going to hap- pen, but it still bums you out. Little Dave: The fact that Moby put a whole album out as commercials. Todd: Really? Little Dave: His Play album, he licensed every single song to a commercial. Todd: I didn’t know that. Big Dave: He needed to pay the rent. Todd: I guess the Vatican Commandos gig wasn’t working out. Little Dave: He’s a fuckin’ vegan. The food’s expensive. Todd: What was the one toy that you wanted so much as a kid but never got? Little Dave: Oh! The Omnibot 2000. It
RONNIE: I DISCOVER THE BEST WAYS TO HAVE SEX IN MY ROOM. THAT’S MY DAY JOB. Saddles, Brain Candy, and Safe Men. Tiltwheel, Paddy from D4, and Larry from Todd: What was the last one? Pegboy. was this little programmable radio con- Little Dave: Safe Men. “Sweet ‘stache, Little Dave: Paddy would be in the Fuck trolled robot that you could have get your man.” [high pitched voice] “Thanks, bro.” section. drinks for you and shit. Ronnie: I’d say Blazing Saddles and Four Megan: No hesitation at all there! Ronnie: Holy shit, dude! Rock the fuck Rooms. Little Dave: Larry, would be in the Marry out! Big Dave: For a time it was Pulp Fiction, section, because he’s just getting old. I Little Dave: I wanted it so bad. It was like but one movie I always like to quote is that don’t even know if he’s married, but he $150 and my mom wouldn’t get it for me one with Martin Lawrence and David always complains about how old he is, so for Christmas. I begged her and begged her. Chappelle where he becomes a cop, but he’s domesticated. Davey Tiltwheel, I think, I went to my friend in Little League’s house they’re jewel thieves. David Chappelle’s would be in the Fuck section, too. The first and he had it! I was jealous as fuck. line goes like this: he makes like he knows thing he ever said to me, the first time I ever Todd: Did it really get the soda? kung-fu [kung-fu noises], “I’m gonna rip talked to this dude, he comes up to me and Little Dave: Well it wouldn’t get it for you, your lips off and kiss my ass with them goes, “E-Funk played me your record, dude. it would just go there and grab it and had shits.” That shit’s better than good pussy.” That’s lit-up eyes, but that was enough – to send it Little Dave: And because Dave says it so my lasting impression, so he’s in the Fuck into the kitchen and have your mom put a much, I use “them shits” like, “Them shits category. Kool-Aid on it and bring it back to you is the shits.” Megan: But you have to put someone in while you’re watching cartoons. I really Big Dave: Put a little topical spicing on Kill. wanted it. shit. Little Dave: Kill somebody? Ronnie: For a while between four and five, Ronnie: Mine from Four Rooms is, “We Megan: One of them has to die. I had a little jacket. It was red and it looked ain’t got no needles here, kid. Just a big Little Dave: Larry, ‘cause he’s the just like Michael Jackson’s from Thriller. fucking gun.” oldest. After it didn’t fit me anymore I wanted Little Dave: Oooh and Airplane! He’s been 63 THE TWO FACES OF
he first time I saw the Skulls, I expected to get that embarrassed Introduction by Petite Paquet. T feeling you get when you see your momT trying to dance like Brittany Interview by Petite Paquet and Todd. Spears. Let’s admit it, there’s not many bands that could fall into obscurity for Designated Dale provided guidance. twenty years, come back and not seem like some mid-life punk rocker’s equiva- lent of buying a Porsche in a vain attempt to relive their youth. This isn’t the case with The Skulls. Not only because Billy Bones hops around like a sixteen-year-old in heat but also because the notably younger guitar player, The Kidd, matches his enthusiasm. The rhythm section, Sean Antillon on drums and James “Hardslug” Harding on bass, is the picture of cool composure, although James is known to change from wig-to-wig between songs. Billy Bones is the only remaining member of the original Skulls that played regularly at the Masque and is a good example that not all punk rockers end up growing up and become losers. James paid his dues with The Adicts in the ‘80s. Both remember how fucked up and great it was to be young while keep- ing in perspective that they’re not eigh- teen anymore. They’ve held true to their ideals and aspirations for the future of elder bashing from this interview. The of late ‘70s punk rock. The Masque pre- punk rock without seeming nauseatingly Skulls are more than just holding on to miered such bands as the Weirdos, the clichéd and incoherent. If you’ve ever old memories. They put back into per- Germs, the Screamers, X, the been to a Skulls show, you’ve seen the spective that punk rock was for good Controllers, the Dickies, and the Flesh Kidd popping around like a firecracker times and facing facts. They tell us that Eaters, just to name a few. The Masque while still playing the right chords. Sean just ‘cause you’re over thirty it doesn’t made it to the terrible twos and self- Antillon now takes the mic on a verse of mean you have to literally stay stuck in destructed. The Skulls showed their loy- “Building Models” and doesn’t miss a your youth and just ‘cause you’re young alty along with other Masque bands and beat. It’s definitely fucking strange that it doesn’t mean you could never relate to played both nights of the “Save the these four guys from completely different anyone over thirty. Masque” benefit. The Skulls were one of generations of punk rock would meet, hit The Skulls began in 1977 when Mick the first bands to venture into the abyss it off so well, and put out music with “Sten Gun” Wallace asked his good that was Orange County. They even had great energy on record, let alone live. friend William Fortuna to join the Skulls the balls to do a spoof on surfing, trying We sat in the back of Sean’s pick-up as the singer. They practiced in a grimy to break an unbreakable surfboard, at truck and right away I got the impres- basement in Hollywood: Marc Morbid the time when there was a growing rival- sion that they were pretty content and on guitar; Billy Bones on vocals; Chas ry between the punks and surfers. After put together as individuals. Don’t expect Gray on bass; and Mick on drums. That playing twice in O.C. and returning to basement would come to be a landmark the city unharmed, they had an unlucky 64 some ancient mythology or back to the days of the Masque and I could FACE ONE: see us four just fitting right in. I’ll stand THE SERIOUS back and just go, “Wow.” Petite: This is for James and Billy. Do you SIDE find that you have had to deal with any ghosts? Was it hard or cathartic? James “Hardslug” James: Are you talking about groupies? Harding – bass Bones: As far as for me, ghosts, you mean Sean Antillon – drum- like from my past? The only ghosts I deal mer whore extraordi- with are Marc and Mick (Sten Gunn) and I naire talk to them all the time. We do “I Walk the Kevin “The Kidd” Line” and I introduce it as it being Marc’s Preston – teen sensa- song. He wrote it. I feel his presence there. tion, guitar The same with Mick when we do “Building Billy Bones – front Models.” Mick wrote “Building Models” man, nut case when he was the singer of the Skulls before I joined the band. He was the first guy I met Petite: [to The Kidd] when I came to California. Two years later You wear shades at he came up to me and asked me if I wanted night! to sing in a band. We had always talked Kidd: The sun never about starting a band and he already had it sets when you’re cool. going. That’s it for me, I think about them All: Ohh, watch out! all the time. Mick was the best man at my Sean: Sunglasses after wedding and Marc was my best friend and dark? it’s hard because they’re both gone. James: Did you get James: That’s kind of a difficult question that off the internet? for me because in relation to the band, I Kidd: I don’t know wasn’t here. I was in England. I did a few where I got that from. years with the Adicts in the eighties and I James: It was a joke, got to experience the excitement of touring you know? and playing shows. It’s kinda weird for me Kidd: Oh, fuck you! now ‘cause I’m getting on a bit and I did all Petite: How signifi- that when I was in my early twenties and cant do you think the the ghost part of it for me was there was a Sean: I just want punk to go down in past is to what you’re few things I wasn’t keen on with the whole doing now? This is for music scene. history as a viable form of rock’n’roll. all of you even though Bones: I’m confused. I think what she’s attempt at recording for What? Records. you weren’t all there in the late ‘70s. asking is what skeletons do you have in The recordings the Skulls did were James: Well, for me the only significance your closet? “lost.” Mick was the first to leave the really is that the type of music that was gen- Petite: Well, yeah. Sometimes I’ll listen to band and then others followed when it erated in the past was an age when music a band that I listened to when I was fourteen started to fall apart. really mattered, you know? Because that and it’ll bring back certain good or bad feel- In 1993, the Skulls resurfaced with was the channel to get your angst out and all ings. Marc, Bruce Moreland and KK Barrett. that. It just happened to be this style of James: Oh, okay I got you. I was going to They recorded songs but had a crap-fest music. Just as my dad still listens to Johnny go off to the audience problem. That’s the with getting the recording out. The mas- Cash and Marty Robins, I continue to listen thing that scares the shit out of me; that ters of those recordings were also lost. to the style of music from when I was a somewhere from left field we’ll get a whole Later, Billy, Marc and the Wall of teenager. The significance isn’t necessarily bunch of idiots that latch on to us, people Voodoo drum machine would do a set at the message so much as the energy of the with questionable politics. That was a big an acoustic political gig. Sean Antillon style of music that people coin as punk problem for me. With the Adicts, rotten lent his services when the drum machine rock. You can call it whatever you like but people would adhere to the band and we went ape shit. Things went back and that style is what’s important to me and were like, “Oh no. This is terrible,” and it forth and back and forth from then on. that’s what I’ve been able to play with these scared the shit out of me. The kind of music Although the Skulls had more line ups guys. we’re playing – what it does for me is than Menudo they never lost the essence Sean: If you’re asking what’s it like being remind me of that youthful exuberance. I that set them flying back into action. It’s in The Skulls now as opposed to then, then don’t wanna sound corny but it makes your good to know that the energy and thrust it just seemed like an idea that got across its nuts tingle. The skeletons in my closet have that was there in ‘77 is still alive and that point and did what it needed to do. Now, the a big fucking smile on their face, just like the punk rock gene is passed from gener- name from the past helps us because there’s our logo. That logo sums it up for me. ation to generation. It all just goes to people that are interested, have heard the Sean: Sometimes I feel – especially when show that punk rock in the L.A. area in old songs, and come to see us now just to we first started, and I heard Kevin – I was- the late ‘70s was bona fide in the way that see if we’ll do those songs. But it’s a differ- n’t even looking at Kevin, ‘cause I tend to it gave a lot of people memories and the ent entity now. It’s really cool. It’s got the be off in my own world – I thought we were listeners of later an earful of what life same feel. We’re turning out the same playing with Marc. I could feel him some- was like in that time. music, I hope. It feels like it to me although times. Because Billy, Marc and I did the Marc Morbid and Mick “Sten Gun” we’re all influenced by different things and Skulls in ‘93 and I did get a chance to know Wallace have since died. I’d like to different generations of punk. I hope it and play with Marc. It seemed like it was remember that without them there brings some of that originality from the Marc then I’d look over and Kevin would wouldn’t be as much history as there is beginning. be grinning at me. That seems to be an ever- and the Skulls wouldn’t be alive for us to Bones: I can see this band at the Masque. present ghost. see today. When we do shows a lot of times, I flash 65 James: Well, all that and the fact that we n’t know what the hell’s going on. We’ve about: the energy. People will come up to us were all gay at one point. been playing these songs in the Skulls for and say “great show” and we’ll say “yeah” Sean: We’re not gonna bring that up. two years and we decided to start swapping ‘cause we had a blast. Petite: Now that you’re older… the verses on “Building Models.” Billy James: And maybe there’s a simple reason Bones: Ew! Older is not a good thing with sticks the mic in my mouth and I just didn’t for that. That is that we’re all lucky enough us. know the words. Some people latch on to to be musicians. Sometimes singers in a Petite: Mature? Now that you’re wiser? words but for me it’s the chords and beats. band aren’t musicians, they’re vocalists, but You fucked me up. Now I don’t know how The lyrics don’t really figure into the emo- they don’t know how to play an instrument. I should word that. Hey, I’m older now – tion part for me. We all know how to play at least one if not older than I was. Bones: Mind you, I’m not real easy to more instruments, therefore, as a musician, Bones: Yeah, I don’t look at it that way. I’ll understand when I’m singing anyway. In one would expect that musician to be able always be a kid at heart, that’s why when fact, half the time when I forget the lyrics to focus in on the musical aspect of stuff. I’m on stage I’m having a blast. I We can use the energy and never think about age. I think if feeling instead of using the you do think about age, you’re lyrics as a foundation. gonna die young. Petite: Why do you think Sean: What was the question, you’ve been able to reform though? without seeming stale or Petite: Oh, yeah. Is the way that pathetic? Or does it feel like you see music and how it corre- it’s a completely different sponds to life different than it was band? when you where younger? Bones: Well, it definitely is a Bones: Oh, oh! I’ll answer that completely new band. We had one. something to start with and we Sean: Oh, teacher, pick me! had a feel of music that we James: No, me, me, me! liked from that period and Bones: Ha, ha. As for me, I like we’ve been able to play that true to life stuff. I’m always trying without trying incredibly hard. to put out a message. If you listen We didn’t start out and say, to “Victims,” it was about serial “Oh, we gotta sound ‘77.” It killers, particularly the Hillside wasn’t that at all. It was the Strangler. I’m always looking for energy and the camaraderie something real ‘cause I hate that we have and it just what’s going on in society. I clicked. always have. It was fucked up James: It’s important to add then and it’s fucked up now. that we’re playing new materi- Sean: It’s always been a feel and al. The new album that’s com- an attitude thing for me. If I hear a ing out contains the old stuff good song – it doesn’t necessarily that was our push off to this have to be punk but it just makes new band. We’ve already got me go “wow!” and the hair on the six new songs written for the back of my head stands up – the next album. This album that’s feeling’s still the same. I could coming out, Therapy for the hear a song from when I was a kid Shy, if you review the musi- and spin the record today and go, cianship, the collective prod- “Man, this band is great.” uct and how the songs are exe- Bones: And I’ve always – oh I’m cuted you’ll see that today sorry Sean, go ahead. those old songs are almost Sean: No, it’s cool. completely different songs. Bones: No, no. I know better than Bones: You know what’s to interrupt you. funny, too, is that we rise to Sean: I hope I interpret songs the the occasion. When we have same way because it keeps me an audience, we step it up. young mentally and emotionally. Kidd: I think it has a lot to do Bones: Now I forgot what I was Bones: When we do shows a lot of times, with us being sober. I don’t gonna say. Go ahead, Kidd. I flash back to the days of the Masque. think back then it was the Kidd: When I was younger, I was same way. listening to Another Bad Creation. So, I ‘cause I’ve had a couple drinks or whatever Bones: It’s kinda cool that they don’t drink. don’t even think you can find those tapes I just kind of bark out a bunch of noise that You know? We get drink tickets and I get anymore. goes with the flow of the song. And it’s them all. Sean: Who’s that? funny to watch people sing along and see Sean: I grew up in a real shitty part of L.A. Kidd: Like an old rap group. They were that they know the lyrics better than I do. and I was drinking and on drugs at a young like six years old. I’ve always appreciated music as a whole age and hanging around with gangs. I Petite: You know, Bel Biv Devoe? Richie but I notice a lot of musicians pick at other stopped ten years ago. I think part of the and I know what you’re talking about. musicians. I think it’s important to just reason this band is able to continue the James: I have a problem with words. You appreciate and enjoy it as a whole. If it name today is ‘cause, number one, it’s a can play me a record I haven’t heard for moves me, I like it. cool name. I couldn’t ask for a better band twenty years and the first time around I’ll Petite: So what you’re saying is that, for name. The lineup has changed and when know where every note’s gonna go, every you, the thing that’s really important is not you get new members into any band and chord change, and every beat. But if you so much the words but the energy? you’re able to let your new member bring ask me to sing the fucking words, I would- Bones: Yeah and that’s what we’re all their musicianship and spirit to the band, it respectful ‘cause it’s not just a youthful thing any- more. I mean, it is, but physically some of these guys aren’t that young. Bones: This kid knew more about what happened in ‘77 than I did. I was blown away when I first met him. When he wanted me to play with him I thought, “God, I’m old enough to be your father.” He kept persisting that we do something and it was the best decision I’ve ever made. I hadn’t seen Sean in years and we were at this Controllers gig at the Big Toe Lodge or whatever the hell it’s called. Sean: Bigfoot Lodge. The Controllers and The Dogs. Bones: I took the Kidd with me and Mad Dog Carla snuck him in. Brendan (Mullen, the proprietor of the Masque) happened to be spinning “Victims,” the one that was done with Sean, Marc, and myself. The Kidd Kidd: When I was younger, I was listening to says to me, “That was a Another Bad Creation. tight rhythm section.” And changes a little bit. Then you write a new paintings up in pubs and stuff to sell and just as he said that, Sean walked in. Just like song and you play an old song, it becomes a some of them wouldn’t sell. Then she start- that. Then Kidd says, “Hey, let’s do a new thing. That has a lot to do with continu- ed painting pictures of all these fluffy cats song!” I asked Sean if he felt like doing a ing the Skulls from then to now. and they fucking flew off the walls. She was song and he said, “Fuck yeah.” We did one Petite: What’s been the most difficult thing making quite a bit of money off them. Then song and I’m not gonna say that we turned about starting the band again? Was there one day she stopped and went back to paint- the place upside down but the level of inten- anything you were worried about or did you ing oak trees or whatever it was she wanted. sity went up. not give a shit? I asked her why she didn’t just do some of James: I wasn’t even part of the picture yet. Bones: There you go. There were no con- those cats. She sold a lot of those. She told Billy and I were doing something totally cerns. We like what we’re doing and if peo- me, “You know what? I don’t care if I sell aside form that. He called me up ‘cause, ple like it, it makes it more worthwhile. We them. You should create something because unfortunately, Keith Miller, who’s an awe- didn’t go out and do this to get a record deal you wanna create it and it brings you enjoy- some bassist, had to pull out and Billy asked or to even have people like us. We got ment. If someone else can get enjoyment me if I knew anyone that could play bass. I together and we liked what we did and we out of it, then that’s great. Just don’t com- said no but that I’d get one and see him in a said, “Let’s do it.” We like playing music promise what you do for the sake of some- week. I just went and bought one and and we like playing together. These guys one else.” I never forgot that because it learned it and that was that. are like my brothers. applies perfectly to music. We did this for Bones: Yeah ‘cause after that Bigfoot thing Kidd: It wasn’t even really supposed to be our own outlet. It was something fun for us some people asked us to play a couple a band again. It was only supposed to be for then it boomed into what it is now. We’re reunion shows. Well, “I guess,” I said. three shows. writing tunes we like and if we don’t all like “Reunion?” There was no one to reunite Sean: When we decided to do this – see, them we don’t play them. with. We said yeah and we got Slug when I’ve been involved in so many bands and Bones: Yeah, we’ve shot some songs. Keith dropped out. projects and I’ve gotten to know musicians. James: Yeah, we’ve even set fire to some. Sean: Yeah, but the scene’s different for I invested a little time and after two weeks Petite: This one’s for the Kidd. Yeah, you. him now – to finish answering his question. of playing with these guys, I could tell we Are you done chewing your banana? Has James: Yeah. He even went and threw had something good. Any concern that I your view of the scene changed since some bananas away while we were answer- might have had was gone. I thought these you’ve been playing with the Skulls? ing the question for him. were good guys to be in a band with. Kidd: Well, I think I got into the Skulls at a Petite: From each of you I’d like to know Everyone’s really open-minded and every- really good time for music. A lot of old what you think of music nowadays. one can execute their position in the band bands got back together. It seemed right Kidd: It’s all rock’n’roll to me. well; well enough to where we don’t have when I joined the Skulls. When we started James: I’m not gonna sit here and rag on to add a rhythm guitar player and no one playing again, I was glad to be part of a any particular bands. Let’s say there’s a has to compensate for anyone. So I figured scene that was and still is great, instead of band that people think are really cheesy and that out and knew there was nothing to being in some band that never even gets to “sold out.” How are we to know the mem- worry about. I said, “Let’s write a new tune put out a record. It’s cool to hang out with bers of that band aren’t getting the same and see how it goes from there.” people who are older than me and it’s cool feeling from playing that we are? James: My mom taught me something that going to shows and seeing the old guy Bones: Punk rock is here to stay and it ain’t was very important. She was an artist, a bands and still hanging out with people my ever gonna go anywhere. painter back in England. She used to put her age. I think people have gotten a lot more 67 There’ll always be another young kid that James: I went to the Inland Invasion and I each other need a fucking wake up call. likes what it does to him and is gonna run think that pretty much summed it up. There I’ve got kids of my own now and I don’t with it. you are, you’ve got 40,000 people from age wanna be talking about knifing and fucking Sean: There’s so many little types of punk eight to fifty-eight and they’re all there sub- people up, busting caps in their ass and all rock. There’s pop punk, hardcore, ‘77, the scribing to the thing. It just goes back to the this bullshit – without being corny but still list goes on. I had a friend that went to feeling and the energy you get from the putting out some positive messages. And a school/prison in the early ‘90s. When he music. Personally, I thought some of those lot of kids today, through the fault of the came out, he said to me, “Hey man. What is bands were shit but they were only shit to government and the piss poor education of this? They’re playing punk rock on the me. It was a perfect example of how you the past two decades, really need guidance. radio.” I didn’t know what to say because I could have all these “punk rock’ bands Some of them know they need it and are hadn’t even noticed. So it’s not so localized under one roof and still have so many dif- almost begging for it and others don’t now. There’s bands that people would tend ferent tastes in one genre. know. If we can get twenty people over the to call punk rock that back in the day Sean: When I was growing up ,walking course of our lives to change for the better, wouldn’t be called that. Like The Real around high school, and being punk rock even if it’s just to be turned on to music, Kids. I would call them rock’n’roll but I I’d hear people going, “Hey, look, there’s then that’s a cool thing. It’s better than get- still keep them between my Rotters record that guy.” I would tell people that they’d ting a kid to set fire to a building. and what ever comes next in the “R” sec- like these bands one day. “Social Bones: Well, you know a lot of our lyrics tion in my collection. So, to me, it is all Distortion, one day you’ll like them,” I’d are dark and have angst to them. But, again, rock’n’roll. The state of punk rock to me, tell them. I think I secretly wanted it to be we lay it all out on the stage. We go out it’s cool. I mean I go to 7-11 and there’s bigger and accepted. I am a bit of a purist there and hang out with the kids and talk to kids in high school dressing the way I did and I do have a very scaled down record them so they get to know us. I think that’s but they’re listening to Marilyn Manson. collection. I just want it to go down in his- very important. There’s a lot of bands that And I don’t think they’re calling that punk tory as a viable form of rock’n’roll. shun their responsibility, but you’re dealing rock, but to most parents they just lump it Petite: You don’t see it weird? I find it dis- with young minds and you have to have a together. I’m cool with it being bigger than turbing that some of these kids who are into certain level of responsibility. it was. it aren’t getting the feeling and energy James: A lot of those bands that put out that’s intended. bad messages, they’re the first to get the James: I challenge anybody, anybody in Bones: Those fuck off that stage. Everyone’s out there bands that put out and the band’s gone and there’s no connec- Southern California to present me with bad messages and tion. They go out there and shit on their a penis that is smaller than mine... rouse kids to minds then take off. destroy stuff are Petite: Not before they scoop up all the lit- stupid and it tle fourteen-year-old girls, though. What do shouldn’t be that you think, Kidd? way. It’s an atti- Kidd: You can go back and forth in so tude. It’s revved many ways. I agree but people are gonna up. get off the way they get off. They just let James: That’s the the listeners interpret it the way they want. problem with peo- You can’t always hold the artist responsi- ple. They associ- ble. It’s really tough. We’re not to say that ate punk rock with the other bands aren’t doing it in jest and aggression and just ‘cause they wanna fuck off after the violence and show and drink that’s just their thing. Our that’s only part of thing is staying and talking to the people it – the negative and the other bands. And some people just part of it. If you’re can’t face their own audience. We sing lucky enough to “Kill Me Kill Me Kill,” which is about a be on a stage per- guy who wants to do himself in, but it’s in forming, doing jest and hopefully people see how stupid something you the idea of committing suicide is. enjoy, you have a Sean: It’s a personal stand. I get different responsibility. If messages from different music and differ- those kids are lik- ent songs. Then years later I’ll spin a record ing you, they’re I’ve played a million times and it’ll hit me a respecting you. totally different way. Then I try to remem- The least you can ber how it made me feel before. do is offer the Bones: You know what really pisses me same respect off? The people that are just there just ass- back. If you’ve holes and go as far as to fuck with little got that power to girls who just wanna stand up front and shake them up have fun. These jerks will grab them by the then you need to hair and drag them into the pit and slug show them how to ‘em. And that’s just fucked up. Let me tell focus that energy you, back in the day when this first started on more positive there was a lot of times when I whacked things. These kids people in the head with the fucking mic that just end up stand. Nothing would stop me from doing cracking each that to someone who was being an asshole other over the but it’s a little different now. I have a head and knifing daughter. I’m a little more responsible. might be a good fit to match up with the James: I just like huge ass cheeks. You can drums and the guitar in the Skulls. peel them apart, look at the fucking choco- Sean: That’s an invention of ours. late starfish, and have a little bit of chimney Bones: Doesn’t losing your voice make for stack action. good miming? I thought that’s the whole Sean: Me and James once greased up with point. Crisco some butt cheeks… that was fun. James: That’s why I quit. I was an Irish James: Munched away at that dirt box. mime. [laughs] Cake. Todd: Sean, a technical question. Dale, Todd: An open-ended question. When was who you know is a drummer also, says that the last time you kicked someone in the you have a special drumming technique. band in the nuts? Sean: Huh? James: That was just three weeks ago. James: It’s called staying awake. Kidd: Our merch guy, Jon, he was pulling Todd: The Dolphin Pussy Slap. What’s Bones’s leg. He had a sling on his arm and I that? kept punching him in the arm and Bones Sean: Good man. You take a girthy woman fuckin’ pulls back and kicks me right in the and you shave her pussy and you grease it ass, dude. all up. Get her laying like the whole chick- James: You kind of liked it, huh? ens that you see in the frozen meat section Kidd: Yeah, actually I enjoyed that one. at the supermarket – and it does look like a James: You have a deep ass. FACE TWO: chicken. [Makes a hand slapping motion.] Sean: It was a three hour joke. So, they’re THE ASS-JOKES-SIDE Pow, and it kind of makes a sound like [puts driving in the car, out to the show, and the And we knew there was a fucked up side of finger in mouth, closes his lips, and makes a Kidd’s just slugging John in his arm, right? the Skulls, so Dale and I went back and popping sound when the finger’s pulled And he’s going, “Oww.” And Bones is talked to them about it. –Todd out]. Overhand or underhand works fine. I going, “Hey man, relax. Calm down.” do prefer the underhanded version, and Finally, Bones had enough. Todd: Billy, it’s been said several times that’s playing a drum, boy, let me tell you. Bones: Jon told me he’d fallen off the roof, that The Masque, the physical location of Watch out. trying to pirate cable. the old punk rock venue in Hollywood, had James: Are we talking about vaginas? James: Which is believable because that’s a vibe to it. Some even compare it to a bur- Kidd: Want to hear the best terminology for exactly the fucking kind of thing he’d do… ial ground, even to current day. Can you vagina I’ve heard today? Va-J.J. Oh, and about a month ago in Pasadena or testify to that? Sean: Here’s a good one… wherever the fuck we were, Billy Bones kicks me in the fucking nuts on stage. Sean: He donkey kicked James right in the Bones: I’m always looking for something real ‘cause nuts. James: I kept playing. I missed like two I hate what’s going on in society. I always have. It notes and the fucking backing vocals went up an octave. was fucked up then and it’s fucked up now. Bones: That was a good score, man. Kidd: It’s a hard target to hit, too. Sean: You’ve got me, the aircraft carrier. James: Testicle? James: Snatch box. You can’t miss my ass. No one fucks with Bones: It definitely had a vibe to it. The Sean: No, no, gayshesh or gishash. it. One day, I’ll get lucky. Masque was a cool place to be. It was a James: John Wayne’s saddle bags. Todd: Last question. What is your day job good group of about five hundred plus peo- Sean: The purple jaws of Grimace. That’s and how does it help your band? ple and it was a nice place to hang out, a when you get a darker female. Purple, like James: My day job is sales and marketing. nice place to get fucked up and a nice place boiled meat. Todd: For what? to be yourself without anyone saying a James: I’ve heard it referred to before as a James: Basically, anything and everything. fuckin’ thing to you. Cutting loose. car crash. Todd: Band included? James: Well, Sean, he has a mask and he Kidd: I don’t know about that. James: Band included. adds a vibrator to it sometimes. It’s a yogurt Todd: Billy, was sex better in the ‘70s? Sean: I blow up the balloon knot for special mask. There’s a vibe with that mask, isn’t They just read like a more carefree sex time. movies. Nah, I’m a half-assed carpenter. there, kinda? Bones: Sex is really good right now, actual- Kidd: I really do blow up balloons. I work Sean: Yeah. I’ll also grow a caterpillar for ly. I guess it gets better with age. at a party supply store. We jacked Bones’s that week for a little extra vibe. Sean: Billy Bones is a pig like me and glasses and I got him some skeleton hands. Kidd: When we play now – I’m gonna get James, ooh, and the Kidd. We dress up. That helps. hippie – but I can feel a soul and it gets real- Todd: Define pigness. Bones: I flog vibrating equipment. Any ly bright. Just knowing that this music’s James: He makes women defecate in the kind of tool you can think of and that’s what been played for twenty years, it feels right dressing room while he sits under a glass I do. That’s my thing. Jackhammers is my that it can still happen. table. specialty. First aid kits, too. Todd: So, to clarify, James, you were a Sean: We all love larger women. I’m a “V James: I’d like to issue a challenge. I chal- mime? Is that correct? man” myself. lenge anybody, anybody in Southern James: That’s right. I was a mime, but Todd: Vagina? California to present me with a penis that is unfortunately, I lost my voice so I had to Sean: Voluptuous Magazine. Giving props. smaller than mine and if they do, I will per- look for something else to do. Kidd: 36” 28” 36” sonally buy them a t-shirt or any Skulls Todd: Like put a keyboard in front of you? Sean: No, no, no. merchandise of their choosing. I’m not kid- James: I did that, badly, for a few years and Kidd: Those are the measurements. ding. then I discovered that if you strap four James: Of what, your penis? pieces of thin metal to a log, it makes a kind Sean: Give me a 38” waist. I’m in heaven. of deep, twangy sound and we decided that [makes mmmmm sound.] 69 TAKING BACK THE ALLEY INTERVIEW BY MONEY Three parts Ramones, one money. about that? ing.} part Devo, marinate in whatever Aaron: That is true. That is very Sean: Robots like sex. They get it Sean: I think what brings it on is alcohol’s handy, pop them on true. all the time. the cost of prostitutes these days. stage, garnish with monster Sean: We’re not losers, we’re just Joe: That’s right, I’m a fucking Joe: Times are hard. They need to masks and you’ve got the furious drunks. machine. go down. three-chord assault with a key- Joe: At least we have a car. Sean: Exactly. Aaron: I did see a $50 half-hour board that is the Spits. Call it Sean: Yeah. $: You and Charlie Sheen. While special in Vegas, which seemed fair. stripped down, bare-bones or $: Does Chris drive? we’re on the subject of robots, if Joe: Two for $69. precisely engineered, the songs Sean: God, no. He rides a little you could replace anyone in your $: Every time the interest rates go rocket forward on the strength of moped. He’s a scooter boy. life with a robot, who would you down, the cost of hookers shoots the bass, drums and, believe it or Joe (sing-song): Scoo-ter boy… replace and what would be the up. not, the keyboards, which are no Sean: He runs a scooter gang in robot’s distinguishing characteris- Sean: Exactly. kitschy throwback to the para- Seattle. He’s on a major label and tics? Joe: People get hornier during a noid ‘80s but an integral part of runs a scooter gang. You wanna talk Sean: My ex-girlfriend. If I could recession. the rhythm. You won’t find frilly about a loser… turn her into a robot so I could re- $: You have two full-lengths, right? trills here. The keyboard robot $: He did some drumming for you program her to say stupid shit when Sean: Yes, two full-lengths. (featured on the cover of their briefly? I wanted to hear it instead of when $: And they’re both self-titled. first full-length) plays with all the Aaron: Briefly, very good. I didn’t want to hear it. Sean: Yes. grace and urgency of a finger Sean: Yeah, he’s an honorary Spit. Joe: I’d like to replace myself so it $: What gives? bang while the guitar explores He’s filled in on certain occasions could go out and do all the shit Sean: Aaron, do you want to landscapes of sadness and regret when we didn’t have a drummer. work while I sit at home and eat explain that one? through a lens smeared with $ (with tongue planted firmly in pork rinds and drink cheap beer all Aaron: We’re going to have a total blood, booze and bile. (Just ask cheek): He seemed very bitter day. It could bring home the bacon of three full-lengths by the end of those who wander too close to the about the experience. for me. next year. stage.) Deemed Seattle’s most Sean: You’re kidding. Aaron: I’m perfectly fine with all $: The first two are self-titled… dysfunctional band, it’s a miracle $: Actually, I think he referred to of my organic counterparts. I have Aaron: And the third one is going they ever leave the Pacific you as a wanna-be King Diamond. no problems with the living. to be self-titled as well. Northwest at all, but when they Aaron: Oh my God. $: Okay, complete this sentence for $: Why is that? do it’s a show you don’t wanna Sean: Wow. I guess he could be a me: It’s okay for a man to wear Aaron (sounding surprised by the miss. This interview took place in little bitter. makeup if______. question, as if he was a scientist and an alley off Santa Monica $: Why’s that? Sean: If his dick is on straight. I was a journalist who had asked Boulevard behind the Garage Sean: I think it’s because he could- Joe: Or he’s post op. him why his experiment had gone and it felt so right. n’t play our songs. Sean: It’s okay to wear make-up if so horribly awry): I don’t know. Aaron plays bass guitar, Joe Joe: Too complicated. you’re Lance Mercer (a Seattle $: Will it be on a different label? is the keyboard robot, Sean plays Sean: They were too complicated photographer). Aaron: It probably will be. guitar, and Wayne, who was for him, but we love him. $: The song “Bring,” on the new Sean: It’s like a new issue of a asleep in the van during the inter- Aaron: You know those shoe boys. album, what is that about? magazine. view, thumps drums. Sean: We’re not singing about new Aaron: Killing prostitutes. Aaron: Right. It’s going to equal a shoes. $: Killing prostitutes? full-length when it’s done. Each $: Are the rumors that you guys Joe: Or sunglasses and pink ties. Aaron: Yeah. Just for the hell of it. one is nine songs— have been having parties in the $: Settle this dispute for me. Who $: Did you have a particular prosti- Sean: And seventeen minutes. Briefs’ mansion every night while gets less pussy – the drummer or tute killer in mind? Aaron: And combined, it will they’re on tour true? the keyboard player? Aaron: No. equal a full-length. When you’re Sean: That is very true. Sean: Hmmmmm. The robot. Sean: He has fantasies about dysfunctional and lazy, it’s hard to Aaron: Yeah, we party there. We Aaron: We’re on #10 as far as key- killing prostitutes. do sixteen songs. It took us eight do coke off their dog’s ass. board players go so you have to be $: Why? years to put out a fucking 7” record. $: When I interviewed the Briefs specific. Our last keyboard player? Aaron: They’re dirty. $: How many records have you put not too long ago, Chris Brief said That would have to be the drum- {Benefits of Conducting Interviews out? that you guys were a bunch of mer. in an Alley #1: You catch interest- Aaron: We have two full-lengths, drunk losers who live in their cars. Sean and Joe: Yeah. ing ambient sounds – like police two 7” records, a split, and a song Sean: Gee, everything’s a little eas- Aaron: Definitely. sirens – on tape, which in this on a Wendy O comp on Johnny Cat ier when you have $: Joe, what do you have to say instance is more ironic than annoy- records. 70 Sean: It’s a really good song. won’t think this is funny. They’ll $: He’s pushing up sad little dys- done in the Pacific Northwest? $: Let’s move to the true confes- read this and get pissed. We’re functional daisies. Sean: That’s a good question. You sions portion of the interview. sorry. We’re sorry, Briefs. Sean: Yes, he is. mean like a testing ground, because Aaron: Okay. Julia Smut: Hello. $: What’s been the most outlandish someone else might find it offen- Joe: Uh-oh. {Benefits of Conducting Interviews Spits extravaganza? sive? $: Have you ever used the phrases in an Alley #2: Your friends can Sean: We slaughtered a deer in Aaron: We were 24-7 Spits once “Keep it real,” “Get jiggy with it,” drive up, say hello and then drive Detroit. Where was that? and people mistook that for going or “Funky cold medina” in a non- off again.} Joe: Cadillac. Al Jolson style. ironic fashion? $: Who is the worst skater in the Sean: I thought it was Detroit, but $: I don’t get it. Aaron: I remember saying, “Keep Spits? it was Cadillac, Michigan. We Aaron: 24-7 Spies! it real” when I was like fourteen. Aaron: That would be Joe. slaughtered a deer on stage because $: I forgot all about them. Sean: Yeah. I used to use “Funky Joe: That would have to be me. it was hunting season. We played an Joe: So did the audience, apparent- cold medina” a lot because I Sean: Robots can’t skate. all ages show. ly. thought I was. Joe: I weigh five tons. It’s kinda Aaron: We hung it up. We had a Aaron: They really didn’t appreci- Joe: I had funky cold edema, when hard to stay on a board. I keep guy carving it up onstage while we ate it. We had dreadlocks. We wore my leg started to swell, but it just breaking them. played. Carving it, wrapping it up. shorts— turned out to be something else. $: You can’t skate with swollen Sean: Dressed like cops. Not gay Sean: We wore shoe polish on our $: Is that a side effect of syphilis? feet. cops, but cops. faces. Joe: No, it’s like gout or something Joe: It’s all titanium. Aaron: Yep. $: Oh. where my feet swell up from eating Sean: The best grip tape in the Sean: And then the show got shut Aaron: I think it really would have rich food, boozing too much. Now world won’t hold titanium feet. down because some crazy kid came gone over well somewhere like— instead of my feet swelling, I just $: Who is the best skater? up and shot the dead deer while it $: Atlanta. have swell feet. Sean: That would be me, Sean Spit, was hanging there. And they shut us Joe: Berkeley. $: Have you ever slept with a band guitar. I skate— down. I’m not shitting you. Aaron: Right, at the Gillman. I’m mate’s ex-girl (or boy) friend? Aaron: And destroy. {Obligatory authorial intrusion: sure they really would have appre- Aaron: Yeah. I slept with one of Joe: And he likes horses. I’m pretty sure he was.} ciated it. But we really didn’t think Sean’s ex-girlfriends. Knowingly. $: How often do you use costumes Sean: That was probably the most about that. It was all innocent fun. She wasn’t really a girlfriend, during your performances? outlandish show, even though it $: Last question: You’re in the Iraqi though. More like a fuck buddy. So Sean: Every time. doesn’t really have anything to do desert, storming Saddam’s winter I’ve dipped the familiar, yeah. $: A different look every time? with our costumes, although it palace, who would you rather have $: Does this revelation shock or Sean: We try to. kinda does because it was part of by your side: a gay Nazi or a surprise you? Aaron: It’s hard on tour. our skit. Christian cop? Sean: No. That’s why I call him a Sean: We try to never use the same Aaron: It was. It was definitely Sean: I’d say Dan Brief. That gay big dick. costume twice, but we often fail. part of the performance. And it was Nazi named Dan Brief. $: This is a two-part question. Have $: Do you have an organizing prin- appreciated. $: That’s who you’d want? you ever defended the merits of an ciple behind the costume selection? Sean: They loved it. Sean: Yeah. He’s a good guy. A hell emo band, and if so, which band, Sean: Yeah. Last minute. It kinda Aaron: And the meat went to good of a guy. His hand is a little on the and what merits? sucks. It’s very stressful. use. limp side, but he’s always there, Aaron: The Briefs. $: The first and last time I saw you, $: Kept the village fed for a week. he’s got my back. Sean: Yeah. I would have to say the it was at the 3 Clubs with the So what do you have planned for $: Is he good with small arms? same. Briefs— tonight’s performance? Sean: I don’t know. I’m thinking a Joe: Ditto. Sean: We shaved our heads that Aaron: No plans. gay Nazi could whip some ass, Sean: They’re cool guys and all— day. Sean: We got some new stuff actu- whereas a Christian cop… I don’t Aaron: We love them to death, $: You had mohawks, fake mus- ally that we’re going to bust out know. they’re great friends— taches, cop shades and sleeveless tonight. $: This is more of a who would you Sean: But fuck. Come on, guys. denim vests with no shirts on. Aaron: Right. want in your foxhole question. You’re a little old to be doing the Sean: Our colors. Sean: We picked up some new cos- Joe: There are no atheists in fox- whole cry on your— $: It was like a weird gay cop thing. tumes in—where was that? holes. Joe: Skinny tie. Aaron: Yeah. Joe: Kalamazoo. Sean: Oh! Then I’d want a Sean: Cry on your skinny tie! Sean: It may be a gay cop thing on Sean: Kalamazoo, Michigan. Christian cop. $: Those skinny tie blues. the West Coast, but in the Midwest We’re going to test it out on the big Joe: A gay Christian cop dressed in Joe: Boo-oo-oo-oo-hoo. (Riffing that’s called rip your fucking ass, Hollywood stage. And if the crowd Nazi regalia. off of the lyric “Uh-uh-uh-uh-oh” motherfucker. That’s called kicking ain’t having it, we’ll bring out the Aaron: I’d want the New York from the Briefs song “Run the ass. That’s called don’t fuck with fucking dead deer. Dolls. They weren’t punk. Other Way”) me. That’s what that is. $: Are there some stage shows that They were gay. Sean: We have to stop. Those guys Joe: Is GG Allin a gay cop? are so outlandish they can only be ALL BY PHOTOS TAYLOR TODD Dan Monick’s Photo Page
What’s up with Paddy hugging everybody?
73 Top 40 7”s Records. Heavy, fragile, labor-intensive, and obsolete. What’s not to love? These are the top 7”s since the last mag.
Disgruntled Mailorder, California
1. The Stitches, Automatic (Vinyl Dog) 2. Dee Dee Ramone, 2x7” (Stuff) (Hostage) 3. Broken Bottles, Radioactive San Onofre 4. Zeke, Season of the Witch (Safety Pin) 5. Flip Tops/Triggers, split (Johnny Cat) 6. Electric Eye, Muscle (Vinyl Warning) (Weird) 7. Varukers, Nothing’s Changed 8. The Main, To the Grave (Hostage) 9. Hookers/Antiseen split (Steel Cage) (Smog Veil) 10. The Agitated, Go Blue, Go Die
Ungerground Medicine Mailorder, Conneticut 1. Briefs, Gary Glitter’s Eyes (Screaming Apple) 2. Stitches, Automatic (Vinyl Dog) 3. Barse, Council Estate (Rapid Pulse) 4. Kill-a-watts , Let’s Get High Voltage (Flying Bomb) 5. Kill-a-watts , Microwave My Heart (Hate) 6. Flakes , First I Look at the Purse (Hate) 7. Mystery Girls , Turned On, Tuning In (Bancroft) 8. Epoxies , (We’re All) Synthesized (Dirtnap) 9. Briefs, This Age (Chrystal Songs) 10. Dialtones, Four Last Blasts (Rapid Pulse)
Know Crap Mailorder, Oregon 1. Exploding Heats , (Making) Teenage Faces (Vinyl Warning) 2. Main, To the Grave (Hostage) 3. Broken Bottles , Radioactive San Onofre (Hostage) 4. The Epoxies , (We’re All) Synthesized (Dirtnap) 5. Snuky Tate, Who Cares? (Blammo) 6. The Bedpans, ‘80s Mod (Self-released) 7. Spitting Teeth , Don’t Believe the Hype (Havoc) 8. Kamikazes, Christiane (Zaxxon Virile Action) 9. The Triggers, Gasoline (Vinyl Warning) 10. Various Artists, Mechanized Death: A Tribute to the Accused (Transparent) there. I’m pretty sure they’d have me floored if I saw them live, but in the Please note: If you’re recording there’s something missing, or maybe added. It just seems a bit too an established record glossy. I’ve listened to it a bunch of times company, and you now and I like it. I like it a lot. I’m not saying that everything needs to be gritty send us a pre-release and raw, or that the only way to record a without all the album band is live. Some studios just know how to capture that energy better than others. art, we’re probably I just get bummed when I hear something that I could really like sounding more going to throw that like the Offspring. The album is definite- shit away... ly growing quickly on me. And if they can hold the stage with the Marvels (one cock gobblers. of Boston’s best, if not fattest bands) they’re more than okay by me. If you’re in the Boston area, I highly suggest 5¢ DEPOSIT: checking these guys out. –Megan Pants We Have Your Daughter!: CD (Nice Guy) I picture how I would buy this album. I go to see a bigger band at a club and these guys are opening. Being the type of ANTISEEN: Drastic: EP Royalty: CD guy who likes to dance and have fun at This is a reissue of two old EPs of theirs. shows, I maybe watch close for a few Both EPs, each over fifteen years old, songs and get into it during the faster In fact, when they come to Clackamas contain some of the better songs I’ve stuff. I buy the CD, only to remember heard from them. Actually, this is the that live music is almost always faster they can play in the cafeteria here at best stuff I’ve heard from Antiseen. It’s and crazier than its recorded counterpart. got a raw rough sound to it. It can’t com- I listen to this once, then a second time City Hall. I think we’re having meatloaf pliment their brand of music any better. just to make sure. It then lives on my Badass southern style rock’n’roll with a shelf, which is to say I don’t pull it out to that day. –Cuss Baxter low-fi sound that really brings out the listen to it, but I don’t get rid of it either. punk in them. –Toby Tober (TKO) Invariably, my cousin or the little sister of a girl I am dating starts getting into “Cock in My Pocket” from 1979. Fans of release is essential ASG bliss. Bands like punk via TRL bands, and so I make her a early Damned, old L.A. punk rock and the Ramones, Motorhead, ‘Mats, or ANTISEEN: the like will find a spot for this in their Dramarama remind me a lot of ASG. Not Honour Among Thieves: CD tape of this to show that there are better This is a reissue of an album so badass bands than Sum 41, but I also don’t want CD collection. Here’s to tracking down so much the music, but how ASG is so more bands who seemingly slipped “right under your fucking nose, dummy” that originally it couldn’t be contained by to scare the kid off at first. In terms of my just one label. Co-released by Bonafide actual listening experience with this, I through the cracks and are now getting good. –Designated Dale their music to the masses. Good job, (
• 13th Floor, PO Box 1502, New Haven, • Fueled By Ramen, PO Box 12563, • Punk Core, PO Box 916, Middle Island, CT 06506 Gainesville, FL 32604 NY 11953 • 625, PO Box 423413, SF, CA 94142-3413 • Gearhead, PO Box 421219, SF, CA 94142 • Rabbit In The Rain, 5 Fords Row, Redruth, • Alternative Tentacles, PO Box 419092, • Gern Blandsten, PO Box 356, River Edge, Cornwall, TF15 1JS, England SF, CA 94141-9092 NJ 07661 • Rabbit, PO Box 31, Greenwood WA • Ambiguous City, PO Box 31560, • Geykido Comet, PO Box 3743, 6024, Australia Baltimore, MD 21207 Laguna Hills, CA 98654 • Radical, 77 Bleeker St #C2-21, NY, NY 10012 • Arms Reach, 1220 W. Hood, Apt. #1, • Gloom, PO Box 14253, Albany, NY 12212 • Radio, PO Box 1452, Sonoma, CA 95476 Chicago, IL 60660 • GMM, PO Box 15234, Atlanta, GA 30333 • Rejected, PO Box 6591, Dun Laoghaire, Co. • Artfix, PO Box 641, Moreno Valley, • Go Kart, PO Box 20, Prince St. Station, NY, Dublin, Ireland CA 92556-0641 NY 10012 • Revelation, PO Box 5232, Huntington Beach, • Asian Man, PO Box 35585, • GSL, PO Box 178262, San Diego, CA 92177 CA 92615-5232 Monte Sereno, CA 95030 • Harmless, 1220 W. Hood, Apt. #2, Chicago, • Revive, 30 Nakajima-Cho, Momoyama-Cho, • Ass-End Offend, 917 Patrick Creed Rd, IL 60660 Fushimi-Ku, Kyoto 612-8005, Japan Kalispell, MT 55901 • Havoc, PO Box 8585, Minneapolis, MN 55408 • Rip Off, 581 Maple Ave, San Bruno, CA 94066 • Blackball c/o Revolver, 2745 16th St., • Hellbent, PO Box 1529, Pleasant Beach, • Rise, PO Box 135, Roseburg, OR 97470 SF, CA 94103 NJ 08742 • Rooster Cow, 2426 Medary Ave., • Blackout, 931 Madison St, Hoboken, NJ 07030 • Hellcat, 2798 Sunset Blvd., LA, CA 90026 Columbus, OH 43202 • Bombed Out, PO Box 17, Leeds, LS8 1UP, UK • Hewhocorrupts, Inc., 196 Fairfield, • RunnAmucks, 810 S. Winter Park Dr., • Boss Tuneage, PO Box 74, Sandy Bedfordshire, Elmhurst, IL 60126 Casselberry, FL 32707 SG19 2WB, UK • Hollow Bunny, PO Box 33264, Raleigh, • Scenester Credentials, PO Box 1275, • Bridge, Box 1903, 58118 Linkoping, Sweden NC 27636 Iowa City, IA 52240 • Buddyhead, PO Box 1268, Hollywood, • Honey Bear, 1730 E. Oltorf #135, Austin, • Schitz, The, PO Box 216, Adairsville, GA 30103 CA 90078 TX 78741 • Schizophrenic, 17 West 4th Street, • Bulge, PO Box 1173, Green Bay, WI 54305 • Hostage, PO Box 7736, Huntington Beach, Hamilton, Ontario, L9C 3M2 Canada • Captain Oi, PO Box 501, High Wycombe, CA 92615-7736 • Sea Level, 1716 W. Sunset Blvd., LA, CA 90026 Bucks, HP 10 8QA, UK • Impatience or Indifference, 3201 3rd St., • Sessions, 15 Janis Way, Scotts Valley, CA 95066 • Chemical Valley, 205 E Alturas, Tucson, 2nd Floor, SF, CA 94124 • Short Hare, PO Box 283, SF, CA 94104 AZ 85705 • In The Red, 1118 W. Magnolia Blvd, • Sickroom, PO Box 47830, Chicago, IL 60647 • Chrome Saint Magnus, Am Bhf. St. Magnus 10, PO Box 208, Burbank, CA 91506 • Side One Dummy, PO Box 2350, LA, CA 90078 28759 Bremen, Germany • Inverted Nines, 241 Aveinida Del Poniente, • Slave, PO Box 10093, Greensboro, NC 27404 • Clambake, 5525 N. Delphia, Chicago, IL 60656 San Clemente, CA 92672 • Slovenly, PO Box 204, Reno, NV 89504 • Cochon, 759 Shrader St., SF, CA 94117 • Jack Housen, 4703 Webb Canyon Road, • Smog Veil, 316 California Ave #207, Reno, • Code Seven, PO Box 3482, Flint, MI 48502 Claremont, CA 91711 NV 89509 • Coldfront, PO Box 8345, Berkeley, CA 94707 • Jade Tree, 2310 Kennwynn Rd., Wilmington, • Snuffy Smile, 4-1-16 Daita, Setagaya-Ku, • Cowtipped, c/o Matt Burns, 104 North Reymann DE 19810 Tokyo 155-0033, Japan St., Ranson, WV 25438-1724 • Jetset, 67 Vestry St., New York, NY 10013 • SOA, via Oderisi da Gubbio, • Crime Against Humanity, PO Box 1421, • Jump Up, PO Box 13189, Chicago, IL 60613 67/69 00146, Roma, Italy Eau Claire, WI 54702-1421 • Kangaroo, Henk Smit, Middenweg 13, 1098 AA • Sounds of Subterrania, PO Box 103662, • Crucial Blast, PO Box 364, Hagerstown, Amsterdam, Netherlands 64036 Kassel, Germany MD 21741 • Kung Fu, PO Box 38009, Hollywood, CA 90038 • Squirrel Heart, PO Box 5871, Arlington, • Dead Beat, PO Box 283, LA, CA 90078 • Life Is Abuse, PO Box 20524, VA 22205 • Dead Droi, PO Box 68601, Grand Rapids, Oakland, CA 94620 • Star Time, PO Box 43091, Tucson, AZ 85733 MI 49516 • Livewire, PO Box 007 Mendham, NJ, 07945 • Stardumb, PO Box 21145, 3001 AC Rotterdam, • Delirium, PMB 330, 1042 N. Mountain #B, • Lookout, 3284 Adeline St., Berkeley, CA 94703 The Netherlands Upland, CA 91786 • Lorelei, PO Box 902, Santa Cruz, CA 95061 • Steel Cage, PO Box 29247, Philadelphia, • Deranged, PO Box 543, Station P, • Madskull, PO Box 57159, 1040 BB, PA19125 Toronto, Ontario, M5S 2T1 Canada Amsterdam, Holland • Stool Sample, PMB # 82 4290, Bells Ferry Rd., • Diaphragm, PO Box 10388, Columbus, • Malt Soda, PO Box 7611, Chandler, AZ 85246 Suite # 106, Kennesaw, GA 30144 OH 43201 • Man Will Destroy Himself, 3028 Leonard St., • Suburban Home, PO Box 40757, Denver, • Dim Mak, PO Box 14041 Santa Barbara, Raleigh, NC 27607 CO 80204 CA 93107 • Martyr, PO Box 955, Harriman, NY 10926-0955 • Sudden Death, Moscrop PO Box 43001, • Dionysus, PO Box 1975, Burbank, CA 91507 • McCarthyism, 7209 25th Ave, Hyattsville, Burnaby BC, Canada V5G 3H0 • Dirtnap, PO Box 21249, Seattle, WA 98111 MD 20783-2752 • Sugar Hill, PO Box 55300, Durham, NC • Disaster, PO Box 7112, Burbank, CA 91510 • Mexican Blackbirds, PO Box 7569, Tacoma, 27717-5300 • Dr. Strange, PO Box 1058, Alto Loma, WA 98406 • Sumo Agnew, 1008 N. Queen, Tucson, CA 90701 • Million Dollar Marxists, PO Box 77062, AZ 85705 • Ed Walters, 2416 South Warnock St., Ottawa, ON, K1S 5N2 Canada • Swami, PO Box 620428, SD, CA 92162 Philadelphia, PA 19148 • Mint, PO Box 3613, Vancouver BC, • Switchblade Kittens, PO Box 93755, LA, • Empty, PO Box 12034, Seattle, WA 98012 Canada, V6B 3Y6 CA 90093 • Enterruption, PO Box 884626, SF, • Moon Ska Europe, PO Box 184, Ashford, • Tear It Up, PO Box 7616, 5601, IP Endhoven, CA 94188-4626 Kent, TN24 0ZS UK The Netherlands • Epitaph, 2798 Sunset Blvd., LA, CA 90026 • Mortville, PO Box 4263, Austin, TX 78765 • Three One G, PO Box 178262, SD, • Equal Vision, PO Box 14, Hudson, NY 12534 • Negative Progression, PO Box 193158, CA 92117 • Erectords, PO Box 6224, Anaheim, CA 92816 SF, CA 94119 • TKO, 3216 W. Cary St. #303, • Espo, PO Box 63, Allston, MA 02134 • Neurot, PO Box 410209, SF, CA 04141 Richmond, VA 23221 • Excursion, PO Box 20224, Seattle, WA 98102 • New Disorder, 115 Bartlett St., SF, CA 94110 • Touch and Go, PO Box 25520, • Excursions Into The Abyss, PO Box 50138, • Nice Guy, PO Box 42815, Cincinnati, Chicago, IL 60625 Ft. Wayne, IN 46805-0138 OH 45242-0815 • Tracks House, PO Box 8995, • Extremely Baked, 3028 Leonard St., • No Front Teeth, PO Box 27070, Minneapolis, MN 55408 Raleigh, NC 27607 London, N2 9ZP, UK • Trap Door, 3428 H St. #5, • Fat, PO Box 193690, SF, CA 94119-3690 • No Idea, PO Box 14636, Gainesville FL 32604 Sacramento, CA 95816 • Fearless, 13772 Golden West 545 • No Label, PO Box 1946, Venice, CA 90291 • Venal I.V., PO Box 9263, Missoula, MT 59807 Westminster, CA 92883 • Noma Beach, PO Box 735, Sonoma CA 95476 • Very Small, PO Box 86636, Portland, • F-Hole, 1393 Grove St, SF, CA 94117 • Not Bad, PO Box 2014, Arvada, CO 80001 OR 97286 • Firefly, PO Box 30179, London, E17 5FE UK • On the Rag, PO Box 251, Norco, CA 92860 • Vinyl Dog, 812 S. Coast Hwy., • Fongul, 11 Mercury Circle, South Amboy, • Plan-It-X, 5810 W. Willis Rd. Georgetown, Laguna Beach, CA 92651 NJ 08879 IN 47122-9117 • Yoakemae, c/o Toshiaki Ikejiri, • ForgeAgain, PO Box 146837, • Prank, PO Box 410892, Berkeley, 8-1-39 Sumiyoshiyamate Chicago, IL 60614 CA 94141-0892 Higashinadaku, Kobe 658-0063, Japan 3 CHORD RIOT, gave me this magazine. His name which I can appreciate! #1, free, 8 ½ x 11, copied, 4 pgs. was Sean Carlson. He does this Recommended! –Maddy (P. Edwin Due to economics, Matt Average magazine and runs a small publish- Letcher, 2754 Prewett St., LA, hasn’t been able to put out Engine ing company. There is a story in CA 90031) for a bit now, but his ever-crankin’ Blacklist where Sean heads off into mind just couldn’t stop, so he put Skid Row and other shady areas GENETIC DISORDER #16, $3, together a shorty. It’s basically a around Los Angeles and talks with 6 ½ x 10, color cover, 73 pgs. brief column, his grade-A pictures, some of the people who you would I wasn’t even going to review this and a slew of album reviews. Why not want to talk with, but he did and since Todd did in the last issue, but should you care? Because Matt is he wrote about it and you can read he misprinted the issue number one of two people who I personally about it when you write him for a (stupid jerk) and vastly understated know who’s an ever-evolving, copy of Blacklist. –Bradley just how fucking funny Genetic walking encyclopedia of DIY hard- Williams (Blacklist, PMB 1111, Disorder is. That’s all. Here’s your core punk who hasn’t burned out or Redondo Beach, CA 902777; bone (from an article on nicknames become an Ebay slave. And of