Negotiation Mastery: Why Emotional Intelligence Matters by Michael Kalikow and Katherine Monson

Negotiation Mastery: Why Emotional Intelligence Matters By Michael Kalikow and Katherine Monson

The ability to manage our own emotions and deal with those of themselves from their our counterparts is one of the distinguishing factors of effective own perspective — negotiators. Although we might wish we could just focus on especially when they What is Emotional resolving the substantive issues and leave the emotions out have strong emotional Intelligence? of it, that’s not realistic when human beings come together to investment in an outcome There are a number of resolve differences and reach agreements. The term “emotional or viewpoint. To help with competing academic definitions intelligence” has become a fixture in discussions about leadership this, we recommend of emotional intelligence, putting clear structure success, but it is equally relevant to successful negotiation. In but most cluster around the this article, we explore the central role emotional intelligence around the preparation following capabilities: process, where time plays in mastering the negotiation process. Self-awareness, and the is spent deliberately ability to manage our looking at the other sides’ Understanding Our Counterpart emotions interests and constraints, Empathy, which is the When we’re negotiating, what is front of mind for most of us is and considering how the ability to understand the what we want to achieve, what is important to us, what we feel is proposal and messages perspectives and emotions fair, and how our internal stakeholders will react to the outcome. are likely to be received of others Essentially, we tend to focus on our own agendas and don’t by them. When preparing, Social expertise, or the ability adequately take the other side’s point of view into consideration, it can also be helpful to to manage relationships well, which makes us more likely to push for proposals and make ask someone to sit in the and express both caring and arguments that don’t resonate with our counterpart. Failing to role of the other side to conflict in productive ways read our counterparts well can damage critical relationships, represent their concerns waste time, and result in lost deals. and perspective. In contrast, negotiators who are regularly able to put themselves Empathy also enables us to read our counterparts as we in another person’s shoes — the emotional intelligence capacity negotiate, and helps us make critical decisions about whether for empathy — are able to see the needs of their counterpart to push harder or redirect to a different line of reasoning, what (as well as their own). Empathy has two aspects, cognitive and tone will be best received, and sense when our counterpart is emotional. Cognitive empathy is the ability to situate oneself in bluffing. Of course, at a more basic level, empathy is a critical another person’s world. This means understanding how others tool for establishing rapport and building relationships with see a situation, what their views and priorities are, and the others. Rapport and relationship significantly impact the quality pressures they face. The second is emotional empathy, which of conversation between negotiators and whether they are able refers to the ability to understand how others are feeling about to engage creatively with one another in joint problem solving a situation. Both are essential for effective negotiation. or simply haggle back and forth, all of which determines the likelihood of reaching optimal agreements. Good negotiators learn to quickly and systematically explore the key strategic factors that determine the negotiating landscape, and to evaluate those factors from both their own perspective Handling the Hard Bargainer and their counterpart’s. Many people have difficulty truly putting In an ideal world, negotiators would approach even their starkest themselves in their counterpart’s shoes because they are so differences collaboratively and respectfully. Unfortunately, focused on their own agenda, and are not used to distancing dealing with tension, conflict, and disrespectful counterparts

1 is a common negotiation reality for many. This is especially the case when responding to negotiators who engage in difficult tactics like making threats, hurling insults, manipulating information, or stalling in a deliberate attempt to throw their counterpart Why Empathy Matters off balance and cause them to make concessions. for Negotiators For novice and experienced negotiators alike, dealing with hard bargainers and Consider the following situation. The difficult negotiation tactics is challenging, especially when the stakes are high and VP of Finance is negotiating internally success is critical. Take for example the sales rep whose largest client keeps them with the General Manager of a business waiting for a meeting, then disparages their product’s quality and threatens to move unit to obtain data needed by week’s the business to a competitor unless they cut pricing by 15% next year. Remaining end for a critical report to the CEO. But, balanced and constructive in the face of this kind of stress requires that we handle the GM is pushing back saying they strong emotions well — both our own and our counterpart’s. Specifically, dealing have a manufacturing emergency that with tough negotiation tactics requires the emotional intelligence capacities of self- is taking all of their time. awareness, self-management, and empathy. Scenario 1 Self-awareness means knowing which situations are likely to trigger negative emotions, how we tend to behave when we’re off-balance, and the impacts these actions The VP says, “We need the data by have on others. Self-management is being able to stay constructive in the face of end of day tomorrow. You’re the only negative emotions, and make choices about how to respond in ways that align with business unit that hasn’t gotten it to our objectives. us. If your department doesn’t make it into the report you are not going to When faced with hard bargainers, negotiators typically default to fight, flight, or look good in front of the CEO.” freeze. This is a result of what is called an amygdala hijack. The amygdala is the part of our brain that operates instantaneously to protect ourselves. When it is activated Scenario 2 by a real or perceived threat, our automatic stress responses kick in and our rational The VP says, “I imagine the brain — the neocortex — goes offline. Although most threats our counterparts make manufacturing situations you’re in negotiations aren’t actually life threatening, our amygdala perceives them as if facing is both time consuming and they were. stressful. At the same time, the CEO With some reflection, most of us have little difficulty identifying our common response is going to be making some critical to an amygdala hijack that occurs during negotiations — whether it be aggressively decision at next week’s meeting pushing back, giving in and rapidly exiting the conversation, or shutting down. This is and it’s important for the company a good first step in building self-awareness, but it does little to interrupt the cycle of that she has the best information reactivity if we can’t recognize in real time when we’re in a hijacked state. A helpful possible. Let’s think together about practice is to metaphorically “go the balcony” when in a negotiation — being present how we can resolve this. Is there in the negotiation and an observer of the negotiation at the same time. This gives us someone on your team who’s not some distance to pay attention to what is happening between ourselves and the other working on the manufacturing issue party, and what would most effectively move the negotiation forward. In addition, who can help me sort through the since the hijack is a physiological as well as an emotional stress response, monitoring information and compile the data both the sensations in our bodies (e.g., tension in our neck and shoulders, sweaty we’re looking for? palms) and our emotional state (e.g., feeling frustrated, nervous, or shut down) can In the first scenario, the VP is give us important clues about when we are starting to get triggered so that we can focused only on their own agenda. take action to prevent something we may regret later. Not only is an approach like that likely to damage an important Learning how to shift ourselves out of a hijacked state is critical, as well. It requires working relationship, it’s also bringing our neo-cortex back on line. Just doing something as simple as counting in unlikely to resolve the business our head or taking deep breaths lowers the hormones blocking our neocortex and issue they‘re facing. In the second, allows us to access the thinking part of our brain. Getting curious (e.g., why might the VP takes the GM’s situation and they be doing this), can also lower our emotional response and put us back into a emotional state into consideration. thinking state. Finally, if the simpler actions do not help, taking time out from the By empathizing with the GM, the VP negotiation — a five minute break or rescheduling for another day — may be needed. can see the situation more fully, and Soldiers, fire fighters, and athletes alike know that under pressure we default not to is better positioned to negotiate a what we know we should do, but to what we’ve repeatedly practiced. So, in order to mutually beneficial outcome. respond to difficult negotiation tactics differently than their amygdala hijack induced standard stress response, negotiators need not only solid training but also practice.

2 Participating in simulations in lower stakes settings like a training mutually beneficial solutions, and leveraging the power of workshop or a team meeting, and receiving coaching from a fairness and relevant market standards, empathy can redirect facilitator or manager can help us learn to master our emotions the hard bargainer toward seeking to meet their interests in and redirect unproductive tactics toward meaningful dialogue. more constructive ways. Empathy is also critical for dealing with hard bargainers. When a negotiator engages in threats, insults or other tactics, whether Pathways to Improved Emotional Intelligence consciously or unconsciously, they are doing so as a strategy Emotional intelligence is critical for negotiation mastery. But, to meet their interests, not just because their disposition or unlike IQ or cognitive intelligence, emotional intelligence is personality is disagreeable. In the process, they are also revealing not fixed, genetically or otherwise. This means that emotional a great deal about their thinking and their emotional make-up. intelligence can be learned and developed with training and Not only does empathizing with a difficult counterpart generate practice. When negotiators struggle with emotional intelligence insight into their drivers or key interests, it also helps to assuage it is often because they lack familiarity and practice with their negative emotions. Providing understanding (without appropriate models of how to handle the challenges inherent giving in) lets them feel supported instead of attacked. This in negotiation. By orienting them to these models and providing can help them address an amygdala hijack, which is good for us guidance on how to implement them in the kinds of negotiations because it enables them to engage more productively. Combined they face day in and day out at work, these capabilities can be with assertively holding our ground, thinking creatively about developed and better results achieved.

About Vantage Partners

Vantage Partners, a spin-off of the Harvard Negotiation Project, is a management consulting firm that specializes in helping companies achieve breakthrough business results by transforming how they negotiate, and manage relationships with, key business partners. To learn more about Vantage Partners or to access our online library of research and white papers, please visit:

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