Felixfriday, June 18, 2010 FREE Issue 1466 out ALREADY
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TTHEHE LLASTAST IISSUESSUE OF THE YEAR! TThat’shat’s allall ffolks!olks! SOME OR ALL OF THIS ISSUE MAY BE SPOOFED, IF YOU HADN’T FIGURED IT FELIXFriday, June 18, 2010 FREE Issue 1466 OUT ALREADY. DUH. DOLLA’!... exchanged for positions PRESIDENT IN FELIX IN TURMOIL AGAIN ‘ASPHYXIWANK DEVASTATED fans of incoming Editor Kadhim Shubber were dealing with the news that he bought his position from the ROMANIAN GOVERNMENT for nearly half a million dollars. FBI investigations are underway as it has emerged that Barack Obama was due to take control of the much- maligned current administration next year. Rupert Murdoch is also reportedly reconsidered his planned takeover bid by his News Corporation company that ACCIDENT’ has been on the cards for a year now. Continued on Page 10 His last Brown ... a right mess by the end breath was a choking one MASKED MARAUDER ... interviews himself HANGMAN INTERVIEW SHOCKER By ROVER MCFREE Elderly Union Presi- “I try to write dark high-brow satire dent Ashley Brown and then realise that I can’t. I look has been found at the blank canvas on the computer ‘barely conscious’ screen and think, ‘this has so much after what police potential’, then ruin it. Imagine first have as described seeing your unborn child on an ul- as “a solo sex game tra-sound screen and imagining all that went wrong”. the great things he’s going achieve in life, then the doctor comes in and Full story - Page 4 tells you it’s a girl.” Continued on Page 24 2 FFELIXELIX FRIDAY 18 JUNE 2010 Rector dyes Students flock to eyebrows Hyde Park birds ACTING Rector Sir Keith O’Nions has finally succumbed Feathers flew this week as the mass of Imperial students caught to overwhelming pressure and rare sightings of ‘unfeathered birds’. After catching wind of the dyed his eyebrows white, in ac- London Naked Bike Ride, students rushed to neighbouring Hyde cordance with his hair colour. Park where the annual event takes place. Coke in the Union... described as dishwater His wife, Lady Rita O’Nions is Enraptured onlookers gasped in amazement at the riders’ cour- said to have expressed ‘dignified age as they derobed for their 7 mile ride. One Imperial student delight’ at the news. Union serving Shadow Chancellor Alistair marvelled at the amazing site. Darling has expressed his regret “I caught a glimpse of a nipple!” he exclaimed. “Yes, a real, about Sir Keith’s decision saying whole nipple... on a girl! I can die happy!” he continued. Thames water “The Society of Muppet Look- The ride commenced from Hyde Park Corner, travelled through alikes diminishes everyday. One the city, via Pervert’s Square and ended at the Tower of London. EXCLUSIVE day we’ll all be gone.” Despite being a gloriously warm day, the majority of students By WANIEL DAN quickly dashed back indoors after the charity ride left Hyde Park, THE UNION have found out the true claiming they “needed the toilet quickly.” ingredients of the syrup used to serve Editor -elect coca-cola to students. For almost seven years, Union bar management have been ordering both like ‘Buddha’ cola and diet cola syrup on the cheap from Thames Water company. In a cov- ert bid to become the first five-star rated water efficient borough in London, the Royal Borough of Kensington and Chelsea have commissioned the use of Thames river water in Imperial College THE DOCTOR Union’s syrup supplies. “We can assure you that the fourteen corpses found in the Thames since the syrup supply started in 2003 have had no profound affect on its taste,” a borough Shubber ... a true gentleman of faith spokesperson added. “We told them to INCOMING Felix Editor Ka- add some sugar,” he added. dhim Shubber said he will be However, students have seemingly the Buddha of Imperial College, never queried the odd taste. but will put aside his often criti- CAN’T SEE “I’m generally too wankered to no- cised religious beliefs next year. tice. Thanks to the generous measures In an interview with the Felix, of cheap diluted vodka, the taste of the he promised never to get “irate coke is pretty negligible,” one regular like a Chinese person” and will m(p)unter said. strive to be “like Buddha, and Scientists have warned of previously not like Ganesh” and keep calm unforeseen long-term effects coming to and peace within the office. light as students graduate and stop liv- “I don’t want no extra arms,” ing every minute of their dire social life the devoted Hindu slurred. YOU NOW in the Union bar. Indeed, several Imperial graduates, almost all members of the Straight Edge Medics to help scientists destroy their livers Society, have claimed a lack of sex drive College shred in the past year. They have all put it down to ‘unadulterated’ pints of what EXCLUSIVE they describe as the “dishwater Cola” dissertations Imperial College officials have with- By ALEX CARROTOPEEAN ple of this, with from the Union. drawn all funding for the Imperial confusion aris- “Since I came to Imperial, I just EAGER final year biology College School of Medicine (ICSM) Engineering what Medicine is to Sci- ing as to whether couldn’t seem to pull anymore. Mem- and biochemistry students and their Students’ Union (ICSM- ence’’, the logical step would be to ‘’in- they’re Scientists bers of the opposite sex didn’t seem at- were horrified to find their SU) in a move that is likely to anger clude all ICSM activities and subjects or Engineers. tractive to me. It must the cola,” once supervisors shredding their hordes of tipsy medics. under the much more prestigious, al- “Am I a sci- disgruntled graduate told felix. dissertations. The decision arose with the report beit sober, RCSU. entist or After vigorous scientific testing, the Defending their decision the of Salaries and High Income Trial- The Rector commented that ‘’them engineer? cola ‘syrup’ has been shown to con- academics said “It’s really sunny ling (SHIT) that came about when pissing Miners in the RSM with their Do I wear over- tain over seven times the legal limit outside so we can’t be arsed to the Medics announced the holding of nice building, always moaning. We alls or lab coats today? of Fairy liquid in any publicly licensed mark them.” wild and uncontrollable events such made some compromises in order FUCK IT, I can’t get dressed in the soft drink. This is in addition to dan- The scandal means that stu- as the ICSM Summer Ball and as one to make this work - and people will morning with this harrassment,” a gerous levels of the dysentery-caus- dents won’t be able to graduate official commented: ‘we need to rein look back and ask why the system was 2nd year Bioengineer said. ing bacterium, Shigella dysenteriae. but several students said “Meh. those bastards in. Doctors of tomor- changed. We will simply tell them, it A spokesperson for the College fac- The bacteria, normally only found I didn’t have a job anyway. More row? More like Biomedical Scientists was the SHIT.’’ ulty and staff who wishes to remain in Western Africa, causes immediate time at uni! Wooo!” of next year.’’ An election will be held to decide anonymous due to the renowned and explosive expulsion of gut content With the Royal School of Mines the future name of this super-faculty, ICSM murders allegedly performed either orally or anally. Again, busy/ig- (RSM) now recognised as an official with preliminary proposals including to assassinate those threatening norant students failed to realise the WoW banned union, Imperial commented that ‘we Royal College of Science and Medi- its survival, says: ‘’they can keep tell-tale signs of every-day dysentery. couldn’t possible have more than cine (RCSM) and Imperial College the debaucherous Reynolds Bar, “I knew I was throwing up, but I al- three faculty unions at one time’ and School of Science and Medicine (IC- but we’ll want everything else. ways just thought it was the even more in library mergers have been proposed to re- SSM). The latter was met with criti- All their fancy stethoscopes dangerous combination of Union flect this. With RSM leaving the cism due to its similarities and indi- and needles. YOU’RE NOT food and over-drinking the cheap CONTROVERSY has erupt- umbrella of the City and Guilds cation of the entire faculty of Science JD AND YOU’RE NOT IN diluted vodka,” the Hockey club ed over the library’s decision College Union deserving merely one letter. SCRUBS. We get most of our member said, who admitted to ban students from playing (CGCU), the “One f*cking letter? I’m, I mean, qualified doctors from Ma- to visiting the Union “at least World of Warcraft. situation re- we’re worth more than that,” retored laysia and Iran anyway.’’ The three times during the week The ban, effective immedi- sults in two sep- RCSU President Katya-yani Vyas interview was prematurely and four at the weekend.” ately, was triggered by students arate entities for when she was told of the proposals. terminated, as was he. The Union falsified all unhappy about the smell caused effectively similar Shared lectures between the RCSU “Seriously though, I can’t claims. by some WoW players who subjects, and and ICSM namely in Biomedical be doing this anymore. I’ve “We deny any knowledge spent days in the library with- officials ex- Science provide a cause for confu- ended up coming into Col- and refuse to believe we’re out washing.