THETHE LLASTAST IISSUESSUE OF THE YEAR! TThat’shat’s allall ffolks!olks!

SOME OR ALL OF THIS ISSUE MAY BE SPOOFED, IF YOU HADN’T FIGURED IT FELIXFriday, June 18, 2010 FREE Issue 1466 OUT ALREADY. DUH.

DOLLA’!... exchanged for positions PRESIDENT IN FELIX IN TURMOIL AGAIN ‘ASPHYXIWANK DEVASTATED fans of incoming Editor Kadhim Shubber were dealing with the news that he bought his position from the ROMANIAN GOVERNMENT for nearly half a million dollars. FBI investigations are underway as it has emerged that Barack Obama was due to take control of the much- maligned current administration next year. Rupert Murdoch is also reportedly reconsidered his planned takeover bid by his News Corporation company that ACCIDENT’ has been on the cards for a year now. Continued on Page 10 His last Brown ... a right mess by the end breath was a choking one

MASKED MARAUDER ... interviews himself HANGMAN INTERVIEW SHOCKER By ROVER MCFREE Elderly Union Presi- “I try to write dark high-brow satire dent Ashley Brown and then realise that I can’t. I look has been found at the blank canvas on the computer ‘barely conscious’ screen and think, ‘this has so much after what police potential’, then ruin it. Imagine first have as described seeing your unborn child on an ul- as “a solo sex game tra-sound screen and imagining all that went wrong”. the great things he’s going achieve in life, then the doctor comes in and Full story - Page 4 tells you it’s a girl.” Continued on Page 24 2 FFELIXELIX FRIDAY 18 JUNE 2010 Rector dyes Students flock to eyebrows Hyde Park birds ACTING Rector Sir Keith O’Nions has finally succumbed Feathers flew this week as the mass of Imperial students caught to overwhelming pressure and rare sightings of ‘unfeathered birds’. After catching wind of the dyed his eyebrows white, in ac- London Naked Bike Ride, students rushed to neighbouring Hyde cordance with his hair colour. Park where the annual event takes place. Coke in the Union... described as dishwater His wife, Lady Rita O’Nions is Enraptured onlookers gasped in amazement at the riders’ cour- said to have expressed ‘dignified age as they derobed for their 7 mile ride. One Imperial student delight’ at the news. Union serving Shadow Chancellor Alistair marvelled at the amazing site. Darling has expressed his regret “I caught a glimpse of a nipple!” he exclaimed. “Yes, a real, about Sir Keith’s decision saying whole nipple... on a girl! I can die happy!” he continued. Thames water “The Society of Muppet Look- The ride commenced from Hyde Park Corner, travelled through alikes diminishes everyday. One the city, via Pervert’s Square and ended at the Tower of London. EXCLUSIVE day we’ll all be gone.” Despite being a gloriously warm day, the majority of students By WANIEL DAN quickly dashed back indoors after the charity ride left Hyde Park, THE UNION have found out the true claiming they “needed the toilet quickly.” ingredients of the syrup used to serve Editor -elect coca-cola to students. For almost seven years, Union bar management have been ordering both like ‘Buddha’ cola and diet cola syrup on the cheap from Thames Water company. In a cov- ert bid to become the first five-star rated water efficient borough in London, the Royal Borough of Kensington and Chelsea have commissioned the use of Thames river water in Imperial College THE DOCTOR Union’s syrup supplies. “We can assure you that the fourteen corpses found in the Thames since the syrup supply started in 2003 have had no profound affect on its taste,” a borough Shubber ... a true gentleman of faith spokesperson added. “We told them to INCOMING Felix Editor Ka- add some sugar,” he added. dhim Shubber said he will be However, students have seemingly the Buddha of Imperial College, never queried the odd taste. but will put aside his often criti- CAN’T SEE “I’m generally too wankered to no- cised religious beliefs next year. tice. Thanks to the generous measures In an interview with the Felix, of cheap diluted vodka, the taste of the he promised never to get “irate coke is pretty negligible,” one regular like a Chinese person” and will m(p)unter said. strive to be “like Buddha, and Scientists have warned of previously not like Ganesh” and keep calm unforeseen long-term effects coming to and peace within the office. light as students graduate and stop liv- “I don’t want no extra arms,” ing every minute of their dire social life the devoted Hindu slurred. YOU NOW in the Union bar. Indeed, several Imperial graduates, almost all members of the Straight Edge Medics to help scientists destroy their livers Society, have claimed a lack of sex drive College shred in the past year. They have all put it down to ‘unadulterated’ pints of what EXCLUSIVE they describe as the “dishwater Cola” dissertations Imperial College officials have with- By ALEX CARROTOPEEAN ple of this, with from the Union. drawn all funding for the Imperial confusion aris- “Since I came to Imperial, I just EAGER final year biology College School of Medicine (ICSM) Engineering what Medicine is to Sci- ing as to whether couldn’t seem to pull anymore. Mem- and biochemistry students and their Students’ Union (ICSM- ence’’, the logical step would be to ‘’in- they’re Scientists bers of the opposite sex didn’t seem at- were horrified to find their SU) in a move that is likely to anger clude all ICSM activities and subjects or Engineers. tractive to me. It must the cola,” once supervisors shredding their hordes of tipsy medics. under the much more prestigious, al- “Am I a sci- disgruntled graduate told felix. dissertations. The decision arose with the report beit sober, RCSU. entist or After vigorous scientific testing, the Defending their decision the of Salaries and High Income Trial- The Rector commented that ‘’them engineer? cola ‘syrup’ has been shown to con- academics said “It’s really sunny ling (SHIT) that came about when pissing Miners in the RSM with their Do I wear over- tain over seven times the legal limit outside so we can’t be arsed to the Medics announced the holding of nice building, always moaning. We alls or lab coats today? of Fairy liquid in any publicly licensed mark them.” wild and uncontrollable events such made some compromises in order FUCK IT, I can’t get dressed in the soft drink. This is in addition to dan- The scandal means that stu- as the ICSM Summer Ball and as one to make this work - and people will morning with this harrassment,” a gerous levels of the dysentery-caus- dents won’t be able to graduate official commented: ‘we need to rein look back and ask why the system was 2nd year Bioengineer said. ing bacterium, Shigella dysenteriae. but several students said “Meh. those bastards in. Doctors of tomor- changed. We will simply tell them, it A spokesperson for the College fac- The bacteria, normally only found I didn’t have a job anyway. More row? More like Biomedical Scientists was the SHIT.’’ ulty and staff who wishes to remain in Western Africa, causes immediate time at uni! Wooo!” of next year.’’ An election will be held to decide anonymous due to the renowned and explosive expulsion of gut content With the Royal School of Mines the future name of this super-faculty, ICSM murders allegedly performed either orally or anally. Again, busy/ig- (RSM) now recognised as an official with preliminary proposals including to assassinate those threatening norant students failed to realise the WoW banned union, Imperial commented that ‘we Royal College of Science and Medi- its survival, says: ‘’they can keep tell-tale signs of every-day dysentery. couldn’t possible have more than cine (RCSM) and Imperial College the debaucherous Reynolds Bar, “I knew I was throwing up, but I al- three faculty unions at one time’ and School of Science and Medicine (IC- but we’ll want everything else. ways just thought it was the even more in library mergers have been proposed to re- SSM). The latter was met with criti- All their fancy stethoscopes dangerous combination of Union flect this. With RSM leaving the cism due to its similarities and indi- and needles. YOU’RE NOT food and over-drinking the cheap CONTROVERSY has erupt- umbrella of the City and Guilds cation of the entire faculty of Science JD AND YOU’RE NOT IN diluted vodka,” the Hockey club ed over the library’s decision College Union deserving merely one letter. SCRUBS. We get most of our member said, who admitted to ban students from playing (CGCU), the “One f*cking letter? I’m, I mean, qualified doctors from Ma- to visiting the Union “at least World of Warcraft. situation re- we’re worth more than that,” retored laysia and Iran anyway.’’ The three times during the week The ban, effective immedi- sults in two sep- RCSU President Katya-yani Vyas interview was prematurely and four at the weekend.” ately, was triggered by students arate entities for when she was told of the proposals. terminated, as was he. The Union falsified all unhappy about the smell caused effectively similar Shared lectures between the RCSU “Seriously though, I can’t claims. by some WoW players who subjects, and and ICSM namely in Biomedical be doing this anymore. I’ve “We deny any knowledge spent days in the library with- officials ex- Science provide a cause for confu- ended up coming into Col- and refuse to believe we’re out washing. plained that sion with regard to allegiance to a lege half naked most days,” serving dishwater to the stu- One aggrieved player said since ‘’Materials specific faculty. The Department of the disgruntled Bioengineer dents. Though I always did “They shall not defeat us. I’ve and Geology are to Computing (DoC) is an ideal exam- butted in to say. wonder why our order for beaten Orcs and Trolls. Puny li- Calgon tablets was so con- brarians are nothing. Nothing!” sistently high.” FRIDAY 18 JUNE 2010 FFELIXELIX 3

DAN has been impressed this year by the CGCU news website, Live!: “I really appreciate how much time UNION’S the Editor puts aside for me when thinks of new things to haphazardly blame me for. It’s a love-hate relationship. And I’m the love half.” DIRTY RACIST! d r o f t

a NEXT YEAR’S PRESIDENT VOWS LOYALTY TO BNP Union President-elect, Alex Kendall has shocked several people, including passing members of the public and a security guard, by unequivocally announcing his sup- port for the British National Party last Wednesday evening. m W

A long-time Liberal Democrat supporter, he EXCLUSIVE o formally proclaimed his backing in Beit Quad By DAN WAN

r this week. He claimed since coming into pow- er, the Lib Dems had not stood up for his po- In an interview with felix, Kendall stated litical beliefs. that he will actively bring issues of national “I am not drunk. Druuuunk I am not. Since political interest to his Presidency next year. , f coming into power, the Lib Dems have not “I will actively bring issues of national po- stood up for my political beliefs,” he shouted litical interest to my Presidency next year,” 0 whilst precariously balancing on a wooden he said. “This includes the BNP’s policy on bench. “Nick Clegg, he hasn’t a face I can climate change. Despite studying it for the trust. Nick Griffin’s on the other hand, there’s past three years of my life, I can well and a face every mother in this glorrrrrrious na- truly say there isn’t any climate change.” , 2 tion can loooove.” When questioned about one of his The final year Biologist previously Deputy Presidents, namely Ravi Pall, being what he described as N spent a year working within a Lib Dem office ‘researching for environmental “ethnic”, he took a hard line. policies’ as part of his degree. He was “I’m not against him being A personally thanked by Nick Clegg after here. Absolutely not, but I will use his party sealed the coalition deal with surgical gloves with any email or

D DAN, 20, from Watford the Conservatives in May document he sends to my office. “Young Alex provided me He’s not allowed in my office, no,” with plenty of light re- Kendall said. But what about lief during periods of the German Deputy Presi- ARSE-BLOODY-BOLLOCKS! Can’t belive you’ll have extreme stress. His dent (Education), Alex under-the-table tac- Dahinten? to go without felix in the holidays? Follow our Twitter tics were just what “Well, he can just fuck I needed during off, can’t he?” stated an feed @feliximperial or join our Facebook group! some of those more intense adamant Kendall. moments.” Ugly idoi... Nick Griffin 4 FFELIXELIX FRIDAY 18 JUNE 2010 The world beyond An embarrass- College walls ... Pakistan merican builder Gary Faulkner was arrested in ing Brown end Chitral, Pakistan, a remote, mountainous region, A while equipped with night vision goggles, large sword, pistol, dagger, wire ties, and Bibles during his at- tempt to find an Apple store with iPads in stock. Faulkn- er has kidney problems and must undergo dialysis every other day. After intensive interviews and psychiatric evaluations, Pakistan police stated, “The doctor told us he has some psychological problems but said he is not a mad man.” Instead, they concluded that he felt that Ap- ple “was not doing enough” to get iPads in stock in his local Colorado Apple Store and set out to do something about it because Hamas refuses to agree to tenets set by international members of the peace process including Europe, Russia, and the U.S.

USA P’s unilateral revenge of the Boston Tea Party con- tinued once again this week, spilling oil all over BAmerican sunbathers, holiday resorts and wildlife. The move was seen as revenge for the East India Compa- ny’s tea spilt by Bostonians in 1773. In a Oval Office tel- evision address, his first, U.S. President Obama received Sordid . . . very sordid things found on Brown’s desk mixed reviews when he asked, “Can’t the British get over this already? It’s been over 300 years since the Tea Party.” Meanwhile, two newspapers, both owned by the same company, debated over which country’s pensioners would be hit hardest by BP’s stock market decline. The UNION PRESIDENT DEAD IN Sun seemed to convincingly defeat the New York Post in the debate: BP is 40% British-owned, as opposed to 39% American-owned. A new controversy raged due SOLO OFFICE SEX GAME to idiomatic confusion after BP chairman Carl-Henric Svanberg, a Swede, mistakenly said, “We care about the small people.” Those hit by the catastrophe were Continued from Front Page His colleagues echoed those senti- Museum where chip marks from the offended by the use of “small” and would have preferred ments telling felix “Ashley was an in- Blitz bombings were preserved to com- the use of the word little. Ashley Brown, who had spent an ex- spiration to us all but I guess he wasn’t memorate London’s resilience under traordinary 81 years at Imperial as a stu- quite right in the head” adversity. It was an adversity Brown dent, was found lying naked in his office Deputy President John James how- experienced first-hand as he hid in the in Beit Quad late last night by a shocked ever slammed his colleagues for their catacombs of the Museum itself as a Deputy President John James. Despite intolerance. In a call from the North small child. performing oral resuscitation Mr James African coast he said “Who cares if he Although unconfirmed, leaks from was unable to revive Mr Brown or his liked to choke himself while he played Imperial College Health Centre suggest- flagging erection. He was rushed to the fiddle. What people do in their own ed that Mr. Brown was suffering from N.Korea Charing Cross hospital where he was time is their own business. And to be schizophrenia, and that his personality declared dead at 03:34 am. Reports that honest, he had a look of ecstasy on his had become split between a mad-cap orth Korea intentionally lost its first round his body was desecrated by drunk med- face so maybe he was on to something President of a faltering student Union World Cup match with Brazil in order to please ics are unconfirmed. after all.” and a Robin Island- incarcerated Nelson North Korean dictator Kim Jong-il. An ex- It is believed that Ashley was engaged Mr Brown was a mere four weeks Mandela. N in auto-erotic asphyxiation but it will away from completing his year as Presi- The tragic news is especially poignant clusive felix interview with a DPRK higher-up, the not be known for certain until a post- dent, a year he described as one of the as he had plans to marry his sweetheart first ever of its kind for this column, alerted us to the mortem examination is conducted. “greatest and proudest achievements” in the Union this summer. OK! maga- situation. According to FELIX’s source, “Kim Jong- Early medical tests show the presence of his life. This proclamation came after zine revealed last month that his fiancé il watched the film “City of God” last week, really of branded super sexual-stimulant, Un- he claimed he was dictated by astrol- was unhappy at hosting the wedding in ion Policy. It is a substance chemically ogy into becoming President last year. Beit Quad, stating the Union’s catering loved it, and wanted to say thank you to the Brazil- similar to viagra, but it is said to contain “Well, I showed those stars who’s their service was “like something from a hor- ians by ensuring that his outstanding football team did dangerous levels of methyl-boringum Daddy, now!” he exclaimed at Union rible boring nightmare”. not outshine the Brazilians at their national sport.” and phenyl-uselessness. Council last week. Plans have already been drawn up to The match was 0-0 at the half, at which point Kim Mr Brown first came to Imperial as a Brown’s extraordinary behaviour had commemorate Mr Brown and the work made the order, and his team allowed Brazil to score fresher in 1939 and during his time as an become increasingly erratic in the lat- that he did for the Union and students undergraduate, postgraduate, PhD stu- ter days of his Presidency. He reportedly in general. Proposals are said to include two goals. In the eighty-ninth minute, in a highlight dent, Live! Editor and Union President drew up plans to construct a nuclear a day of mourning, a special concert in bound to be played alongside his execution on state had won respect for his honesty and bunker in Beit Quad before his clinical the Great Hall and perhaps, a giant ice television for many years to come, Ji Yun-Nam scored can-do attitude. advisors reassured him that World War sculpture of Mr Brown on the Queens bringing the final score to 2-1. “Who would have thought eh?” said a II was “well and truly over”. Mr. Brown Lawn. The initial sketches for the statue guy we met in the pub, “Ashley Brown, a has been regularly seen crying over the show Mr Brown with a manic grin and a fucking pervert.” damaged walls of the Victoria & Albert suspiciously tight tie around his neck... By TOM GREANY AND HAL NEVILLE-JONES felix FRIDAY 18 JUNE 2010 5

DDanan WanWan Editor-in-Chief 2009-10

hirty issues later, and tors and contributors pass through the we’ve got a full comple- door, it has been wonderful to see so ment for this year. This, many new faces enter the fold. Most T being the thirtieth, is an notably, there’s the news team entirely issue that seemed so long made up of Freshers; Luke Turner, away when I started as felix Editor whom was miraculously appointed back in August 2009. It may not seem Music Editor within Freshers’ Week; too long ago for you, but after several Lizzy Griffiths, a Fresher who due to strings of sleepless nights and intensely her regularity in the office has become stressful print deadline days, it seems a a felix veteran in my eyes; and Char- lifetime to me. lotte Morris, the girlfriend of the Com- Although it might not literally have ment Editor that accidently usurped been a lifetime since then, my Edi- him as Comment Editor, and then torship has certainly been a defining ending up doing so much more and phase of my time at university, if not becoming Assistant Editor. my life. It is to the latter who I have awarded I’m still a mediocre Biologist fum- my hand-picked accolade of Editor of bling his way through an otherwise the Year. Charlotte has become a driv- straightforward degree. Coming to ing force behind felix, and has climbed think of it, taking a year out to edit the her way up the editorial ladder to one student newspaper is probably an ulti- of the highest positions of responsibil- mate form of procrastination. Unlike ity on the team. Her organisation and most students in sabbatical positions almost demonic necessity to get things within the Union, I have little interest done there and then will lend her great in Union politics; neither did I come help if she decides to become Editor into this job hoping to peak the inter- during her time at Imperial. Thank you est of The Guardian or The Times. I’d for your invaluable support this year, describe myself as an average student “Thank you for reading each week, and I hope Charlotte. Maybe we’ll pay for you to at Imperial and really hope that has get elocution lessons to lessen that shone through in every facet of my role felix Northern accent of yours. as Editor, from the pitch and direction you’ve laughed, learnt and even baulked at It mustn’t take anything away from of the newspaper’s content to the way the rest of the editorial team this year. I’ve approached new and returning as much as I have this year.” We’ve had about 50 editors on the ros- writers. Throughout the year, I’ve run ter, more than ever before. Each and with stories that have been of interest every one of them has done a tremen- to me, and hence what I judge as of dous job to produce 40 pages every sin- interest to the students of Imperial. I gle week. The fun we all have together hope my judgement wasn’t too off tar- Group’s Browne Review submission they decided to scrap the entire thing every week. This is even more so the during the week has shone through in get and you’ve been reading intently. was released publically and promptly. and start over. This time, without a case in the lulling Summer Term. every Friday’s product, and that’s en- The main bone of national conten- It was good to see Imperial College poll. Democracy at its best. I’m incredibly proud of Phoenix, our tirely satisfying for the Editor. tion this year has been that of the Union actively involving themselves Closer to home, Sir Roy Anderson’s special summer arts annual. We were What’s in the works for next year, I Browne Review on student finances. with issues of great importance to stu- sudden and swift resignation threw the secretly confident about how much hear you bark. felix will be in the ca- Intensified by the General Election dents beyond South Kensington. Stu- felix office into an investigative frenzy. untapped creative talent was about pable paws of Kadhim Shubber. He’s that saw each of the three main parties dent activism didn’t die with a bygone Preparing for that issue in November campus and, luckily, we were right. already running around the place like a take an interestingly different stand on era. allowed us to lead with a story that was I hope Phoenix will continue to ex- boy with a new toy trying to get excit- tuition fees, the Browne Review’s find- The felix Editor’s relationship with the essence of student journalism. hibit everything Imperial’s students ing projects ready for next year. I’ll be ings will be released just as we return the Sabbatical Officers in the Union The hierachy of our institution was can excel at beyond their degrees. taking a step back, and thankfully you’ll for a new academic year in the autumn. is usually quite a rocky one. In previ- in turmoil, and rumours regarding why One aspect of this past year I am see less of me in the newspaper. Maybe The Review will be highly influential in ous years, Editors have gone head- the Rector left so quickly were bandied most thankful for is the opportunity you’ll even see more. Either way, if you the Government’s plans for raising tui- to-head with Presidents. I’ve always around the country. The head of one to meet so many other students. From see me around College, come and say tion fees; so much so, their proposals found it odd that I could be slating of the world’s most respective institu- those who just recognised my face hello still. We’ll get a pint or do pretty to lift the current £3,290 cap on fees someone I’ve spent plenty of time be- tions leaving with a dark cloud over his from the newspaper to those that end- much anything that’ll prevent me from will most likely be executed. coming friends with, known for years, head was making national news. We ed up being an integral part of the edi- studying Biology again. Higher education looks to be an and who sits three floors above me in even had a reporter from The Guard- torial team, I’ve loved meeting you all; Kadhim has all the abilities required entirely different playing field in the the Union Building. Luckily, this year’s ian phone us up for extra information. even if you didn’t all leave me walking to excel as a student newspaper editor, coming years, and it has been up to administration has been a steady ship, For a little while, we were ahead of the away with a smile on my face. There and I’m sure he’ll evidence that with the current students to take a stand. I captained by the born-to-be President national press on this story. were several occasions where some of next year’s felix. was incredibly impressed with the Ald- Ashley Brown. He’s done a good job With every single person associated you left me puzzled, worried, angered Have a memorable summer, and wych Group’s dedication to the cause and stayed off our headlines, which has with College’s governance tight-lipped, or offended. Despite that, the emotion whilst you won’t have felix to remind against the Russell Group, an admin- helped me run with lead features and we didn’t quite find out the real reason stirred is evidence of how much I care you of the lighter side of life, make istration that represents our universi- stories that are of genuine interest to why Sir Roy stepped down as Rector, about about felix and my job. sure you take as much enjoyment as ties and hence us. They had seemingly you, rather than the tried-and-tested but we definitely lifted the lid on a few There is a thick black line between you can out of whatever you’re doing. refused to let those they represent see ‘Union does something wrong’ exposé. things along the way. delight and stress for me in the felix Thank you for reading each week, and what they were submitting to the on- As promised in my election manifes- Hopefully, lips will be loosened as office. This line is a wide, dark wedge I hope you’ve laughed, learnt and even going Browne Review. to, I did pick up on the Union’s failings time rolls on, then we’ll finally be able of delirium and caffeine. However, the baulked at felix as much as I have this Although they claimed transpar- when needed and not unnecessarily. to conclude one of the biggest stories to felix office has been a place of many year. ency, our own Union President took it Their dealing with the new bar names come out of Imperial in recent times. things: searing discussion and debate, Thank you once again, for helping upon himself to march his way into the astounded me. After taking a success- Obviously, we don’t get a story that big entertainment and, for some, solace. me take so much pleasure in produc- Russell Group offices to ensure that ful student poll for a new bar name, or with that much potential to run with As different section editors, copy edi- ing felix this past year. 6 felix FRIDAY 18 JUNE 2010

Comment Editor Charlotte Morris COMMENT [email protected] Rhys Davies will make you happy, ready? “We are fleeting and inconsequential but also ridiculously silly and reassuringly good”

ne of the highlights of rights. For the most part, the universe vited and does not care a jot for what world and more than enough sadness, only the vast, uncaring emptiness of my day is meander- is cold, desolate and empty. For all in- it interrupts. In that sense, it has much these aren’t all there is! In spite, or of- the universe to gaze up at and com- ing my way through a tents and purposes, we are alone. Not in common with taxes, that other uni- ten because, of our own mortality, we prehend. Are we overcome then? Yes, O copy of The Metro. For that anyone would notice. Like I said, versal constant. Death is a lot like jury have built up the most complex de- of course we are! But by grief, no! We every story of drugs, the universe is massive – and we are duty; it’s unpleasant, it messes up our signs of architecture, the most soulful see the myriad fires in the firmament, crime and general badness, there are tiny. I remember looking down from diary for the foreseeable future and works of art, the most exquisitely pre- the shooting stars, the planets, bright at least two along the lines of, “Largest the Queen’s Tower once and remark- it’s something everyone has to put up cise theories of science and logic. None and wandering – and, if we’re lucky, Banana Museum Saved,” or “Man Has ing how small everyone looked from with. of it will last – it all carries the same perhaps a supernova. We see all this Sex With Bicycle.” The ratio is a keen my vantage point, like ants even. Com- So where does that leave us? We expiration date as we do – but we do and are struck dumb. If we have the wit reflection on our society. The nega- pared to the universe, collectively we have (in the absence of rampaging tax- it anyway! Yes, we have our fill of pain, to summon words to the occasion, the tive articles are news because they are are smaller than the grains of dust in is, leopards and spontaneous human angst and anger but we match it meas- most eloquent of us may just be able to exceptional and the odd articles are the shadow of an ant. An anorexic ant. combustion) eighty years or so on an ure for measure with joy, awe and won- muster, “Wow!” news because they are indicative of the In a corset. We’re not even dust – we’re insignificant planet in one of the dim- der. And when we do see fit to see red, To some, we’re just a guttering match world we live in. It reaffirms a long- dust’s dandruff! mer corners of an uncaring universe to rage, rage against the dying of the but I think we burn brighter than a su- held belief of mine: that deep down, Don’t worry if this is starting to get before the lights snuff out, the curtain light, we make sure to do with a stiffly pernova with petrol thrown on it. So people are stupid but good. you down because I’ve got something falls and we’re done for good. worded letter to whom it may concern. the universe may be cold and empty – The universe is massive, not that that’ll cheer you right up. Death. It can Now, the rational reactions to this In a distinctly irate font. but it’s pretty – and death may be ubiq- you needed me to tell you that. Mil- take the form of an apocalyptic aster- reality would be sadness or anger. The And what of when the galleries and uitous and rude – but life is great while lions of galaxies, billions of stars, and oid or a splodge of fat bedding down only reason anyone would rise out of museums close, when the libraries and it lasts! We are fleeting and inconse- it’s mostly empty. Whoever packed in the wrong coronary artery; it can their Poesian pit of despair would be cinemas shut their doors, when Face- quential. But we are also ridiculously the shopping bags after the Big Bang come after the longest of longevities to impotently punch a wall for a few book crashes and the servers go down? silly and reassuringly good. clearly overcharged us. But this is more or seconds after conception. Needless hours. But I look around and while, When we are cut off from our friends, No. Hang on, that’s not right. Scratch than just a violation of our consumer to say, when it does come, it is unin- yes, there is plenty of anger in the our society, our culture and there is that. We’re bloody amazing! Angry Geek is finally getting some counselling “Counselling is sensationally strange. It’s like your own personal episode of Trisha”

ather died today. Or maybe terial. But more than that; while my whenever anyone actually needs to rely The Simpsons - was that it involved a this depression has been very much yesterday, I don’t know. Oh grandfather’s death was swift and rela- on it. The violent collapse occurred a lot of chin stroking, and then several like the cancer that caused the problem wait, no, I do know because tively uneventful, my father’s death few months ago, and I promptly found repeated stabs in the dark until one of in the first place; I don’t talk to other Fit’s a hugely important point was prolonged, unenjoyable, and not myself sitting in the student counsel- those stabs hit a particular region on a people about it, there’s no known cure of detail. It was last June. really for public consumption. Yet here ling service wondering why they didn’t flowchart or Venn diagram which cat- and it doesn’t make for very entertain- Much as I appreciate the importance of we are. have one of those lying-down-couch egorised me into some variety of loon. ing comment pieces. And I’m still un- French people doing sod all through- So, I’ve started counselling. I realise things. On reflection, this was somewhat sure of what the role of counselling is out their lives and then writing a book it might come as a surprise to many of Counselling is sensationally strange. unfair. in that. But one thing that I am now that sums up how they felt, I’ve got to you to discover that behind this facade It’s like your own personal episode of Much to the chagrin of my counsel- sure about is that student welfare is A say that while there are some things I of ranting, hatred and insecurity there’s Trisha, where you are simultaneously lor, at least at first, I spent a lot of time Good Thing. And that my Simpsons- forget - GCSE Biology, what nuts my actually a good deal of repressed rant- the audience, participant, interviewer trying to work out how the process fuelled preconceptions of the process brother is allergic to, that sort of thing ing, hatred and insecurity vying to get and the ‘He’s here in the studio!’ cock works. My conclusions - uh, dunno? are extremely unhelpful. - there are other things that I put a bit out. Like all truly self-destructive mo- that jumps out halfway through as a It’s nuanced. It’s the exact opposite of It’s Fathers’ Day this weekend, which of effort into remembering. My father rons, I decided that the best approach surprise guest. The counsellor acts what I spend most of my day doing - will be exactly the shitter you might died on June 29th last year. It was fuck- to take to the whole affair of death like a cameraman, shifting focus be- looking at a problem, planning a solu- expect it to be. I will spend it playing ing awful, and Albert Camus can go to would be the classic “Problem? What tween these otherwise idiotic parts of tion, and ploughing that bastard until Doom 2, eating Wotsits and doing hell. problem? You’re the one with prob- your personality in order to try and it’s solved. Instead, we sit and stare other things that remind me of the old While I was quite open about the lems, buddy. Problems with your face, provide some kind of link between and wonder. Sometimes we do the cli- man. If you’re also spending this week- passing of my grandfather a couple that is. Now how about that Israel-Pal- them all. chéd thing and talk about childhoods. end reflecting on exam performance of years back, I didn’t mention my fa- estine situation?” stance. It’s a stance Before going to counselling, my im- Sometimes we talk about mistakes I or how much you pushed yourself this ther’s long-term illness and eventual whose track record looks something pression of the experience - and by think I made. And sometimes we talk year, my advice would be this - don’t. death. Why? I’ll be honest, it didn’t like British tennis players - alright up to impression I mean wild guesses based about vitamin supplements. Have a great summer. I’ll be back, mis- strike me as gold-plated comedy ma- a point, but likely to collapse violently on years of cynicism and episodes of The whole process of dealing with erable as ever, in the Autumn. felix FRIDAY 18 JUNE 2010 7 Azfarul Islam bids adieu to Imperial “Fun turned to horror at the first lecture when I realised that nothing made sense”

hen approaching wide hallways and even wider com- down. And then kick you in the face. this very good opportunity to shorten of University. The end. Now there’s a the end of some- mon room of Beit was like nothing I’ve And then walk off. And run back to my own when introducing myself. I got funny phrase. Perhaps it is just me. A thing as momen- ever been through. What’s to compare kick you some more. I actually went up rather tired in Bangladesh when not a friend of mine had picked out some of W tous as University against? In school events you knew to the Senior Tutor to ask her if I was single person could get my name right, my traits and through a process of un- life, one can’t help everyone and gravitated towards your dyslexic or suffering from some sort mangling it with either mispronuncia- ceremonious typecasting and the use but sit down for extended periods of peer group. At parties, weddings and of learning disability because my hu- tion or simply couldn’t get the order- of some online psychological profiling, contemplation - even if said sit downs the like back in Bangladesh, you were bris couldn’t allow me to take in that, ing of letters right. I could reasonably found that I’m the kind of person who’s take out rather scary chunks of time either busily involved in managing at University, you really needed to re- argue that Imperial lead to new begin- not very good at dealing with closure. from working on my final year project. the proceedings or just found yourself discover studying. Or at least, fake it. I nings in more ways than one. At the time I heatedly disagreed with But it simply must be done. milling around uncomfortably in an at- think she took pity on me and handed The year 2007 was pretty special her but I couldn’t really do that now. There’s nostalgia, there’s regret, tempt to find some long-lost relatives me a booklet about, you guessed it, because that’s when I joined felix as I’ve always been proud of my writing there’s joy and - I’m not ashamed of and then spend the whole time catch- “learning how to learn”. I would like to Games Editor thanks to a glowing rec- ability and any other time I’d probably admitting it - a sense of unfathom- ing up with them. say that turned out to be some sort of ommendation from the, no surprises be shaking my head at this childish at- able sorrow. School passed by over an It was soon after that one of the Senior hallowed revelation with angelic trum- here, Games Editor of yesteryear. I tempt to squash in four years of, well, overly long, protracted period and you Tutors spoke to us gravely in the Great pets playing softly, but it transpired was initially contemplating whether life into this space. What I really mean really had no choice on the matter; A- Hall about being adults or some such. that pure and simple determination I’d have time to do something like that to say is that I thank you all. From all levels ended before they even began. Did that matter when the carnival-like works quite well too. Well, determina- given that EEE has a reputation of all the academics I met in various depart- University, though? There’s an entirely atmosphere of the Freshers’ Fair hit me tion to not fail, at the very least. work, no play. Suffice to say, it was a ments (well, mostly Computing and different phenomenon altogether. Can full in the face? Of course not. My poor Around then, I also started to meet a decision I cherish every day. I had a Electrical Engineering), to the mem- I even begin to describe that first feel- mailbox still bears the scars of the myr- large number of like-minded (an earth- blast in my position (and missed a bers of countless societies, to the lovely ing of freedom? Or that realisation that iad clubs and societies I expressed “in- shattering experience after being one bunch of lectures in the process), met people that have been part of felix and all of a sudden, one is truly a master of terest” in without any intention of ever of very few geeks at school) individuals some incredible people (who are still are still part of it, to the seemingly- his or her own destiny? Or reminisce attending a single event. Note to certain who continue to amuse, annoy, enthral, in felix) and paved the way for my con- disorganised yet well-meaning Union about chance encounters that change societies: can you please, please sort out challenge and support me to this very tribution to Imperial College; three of to all the irreplaceable friends and ac- the course of our lives? Or apprecia- your mailing list subscription cancella- moment. Every day, these encounters us banded together to create Another quaintances I’ve met over the years, to tively look back on mistakes even, at tion procedure? Thanks. took place with relentless regularity: Castle which joined the lofty ranks of I, you who actually gives a damn about a least ones that let us gain incompara- Fun turned to horror at the first lec- I couldn’t get over the fact that there Science, Phoenix and The Rival as the University leaver’s ramblings. I would ble experience? I could, however, easily ture when I realised that nothing made were so many new faces to process. gaming magazine of Imperial College. name each and every one of you but I begin to rail at spending that one (and sense. Imperial has this habit and it’s There’s a close friend of mine whose Sure, it seems like I’m approaching can’t take up the whole paper now, can soon, far more than one) weekend in come up in discussions with friends name and number I asked for thrice on this with the demeanour of the elderly I? This is the one time that the word the library. Seriously, what’s up with quite regularly: it doesn’t matter how the same day when we first met. Also, I and about to inscribe my memoirs, but ‘epic’ fails to capture the feeling but the workload here? high a pedestal your school stood you didn’t even get his name right until af- I dare anyone to not dig deeper into here it is anyway: you’ve all been epic. The first time I found myself in the up on because Imperial will kick it ter a week. Speaking of names, I took their memories once they’re at the end Thank you for the memories. A sickening display of hypocrisy in politics Jonathan Woodcock has the last word on the positive discrimination debate

ne thing to notice amid against logic that positive discrimina- be defined by their race or gender or look for when choosing a leader? racist, homophobic or sexist. This is this whole positive dis- tion becomes a laughing stock. Nathan sexual orientation and not the people The problem is that whilst racism, absolutely not the case and positive crimination debate is Holford spent his entire article de- they are beneath. Ironically this is the homophobia and sexism exist, en- discrimination is just a disguise for a O that we here at Impe- scribing a situation where a company argument used by most anti-discrimi- forcing positive discrimination is to deeper social evil than that which it rial benefit more highly was choosing between two completely nation organisations. To use what they subliminally imply that all people are tries to prevent. from positive discrimination than candidates, identical in all but gender. so vehemently protest against in order most realise. A few weeks back, felix But the fundamental flaw is that this to ensure equality is a sickening display informed us that the Russell Group is not positive discrimination. It is de- of hypocrisy. Interestingly enough, Di- receives two-thirds of the UK’s higher fined by what he said ‘makes no sense’ ane Abbot is currently campaigning to education budget. Now that’s positive – where ability is completely ignored. replace Gordon Brown as leader of the discrimination if ever I saw it: subtly But this is where the entire issue comes Labour Party. Her campaign centres on implying that those twenty universi- from. It is illogical. the fact that she is black and a woman. ties are better institutions for the gov- That is to say nothing of his claims Are these really the qualities people ernment to ply with money. However, that it does nothing to undermine I think this is an example of sensibly pride. The sting of being denied a job in applied positive discrimination. From favour of someone less qualified must a logician’s point of view what is the be painful. But to get a job because of point in investing money in something your gender must be infuriating. “If Diane Abbott that you know is going no-where; that Imagine if this policy was in place in is why we don’t invest more money in the admissions process of this very uni- had her way, less capable, less pioneering universi- versity. Imagine being denied a place ties. The same argument can be ap- because the college had to fulfil their everyone would be plied to whether known alcoholics female quota or they were already full should be given liver transplants. If of people of your ethnic background. defined by their the probability of wastage is high, why You may remember the feelings of bother? It is in these situations that Diane Abbot on the issue of race at race or gender or positive discrimination works. Imperial around this time last year. It is when decisions are made that go If she had her way, everyone would sexual orientation” 8 felix FRIDAY 18 JUNE 2010 PoliticsPolitics EEditorsditors JJamesames GGoldsackoldsack aandnd JJamesames LLeesees POLITICS [email protected] Army found at fault for Bloody Sunday

RRoryory FFentonenton studying the incident in school, we are stands; 14 unarmed civilians were shot taught that it is difficult to say what dead by the army of this country. happened next but 25 minutes later It is hard to stress enough the influ- Growing up as a Catholic in Belfast 13 marchers lay dead with a further 15 ence that Bloody Sunday had in drag- left me many experiences I wouldn’t wounded, one of whom later died. Ac- ging Northern Ireland into much of have had elsewhere and would frankly cording to reports from the soldiers at the bloodshed that followed it. Many rather forget. I remember our car be- the time, the Provisional IRA opened moderate Catholics who had previ- ing searched by the British Army every fire on the Army, who responded ap- ously rejected violence drifted easily time our family went shopping. I re- propriately, shooting back at them, into the hands of the IRA, including member my little church being burnt returning one shot for one shot and some I know and perhaps my own down and my Catholic school petrol many of those killed were found to experience of nineties Belfast could bombed - twice. I remember the fear have had nail bombs in their pockets. have been rather different. The effects when our school was closed early dur- This, at least, was the official account of the past 40 years cannot be erased ing riots and being in the back seat of as accepted by the Widgery Tribunal by a single inquiry into 14 of the over the family car, aged 7, when a man was which looked into the shootings. It is 3,000 who died in the Troubles but if it shot dead by the IRA outside our flat. this same account that has now been can heal some wounds and right some Life in a city dissected by a 25ft wall found to have been largely fabricated. wrongs, not only is the principle of jus- meant that I never met socially with British troops should never have tice upheld, but a chapter may finally Protestants, right up until coming to been used to block marches which be closed on one of the bloodiest times Imperial. never should have been banned in the in Northern Irish history. We now find ourselves in a period of first place. That paratroopers, who unparalleled peace and prosperity, al- were trained to fight Soviets, perpe- though largely down to the death toll trated a massacre against British citi- rather than political success. But while zens (British whether they liked it or most of the country was left in peace not) in a British city is now clear. This to tend to the emotional and physical massacre was then covered up, with Saville Inquiry scars of the past, families of the victims the scapegoat of the dead innocents of Derry City’s infamous Bloody Sun- preferred to the tarnishing of the regi- Investigation day massacre were left with insult and ment’s name. To go through almost No warning had been further pain; their dead or wounded 40 years of being told by the govern- given to any civilians before loved ones branded terrorists by not ment that your dead brother, son or only the Army but the official inquiry father was a terrorist and got what he the soldiers opened fire into the fiasco. deserved must have been unimagina- It is only now, after the release of bly hard for the relatives of the Bloody None of the soldiers fired in the new Saville Inquiry on Tuesday, Sunday victims. response to attacks by petrol that I can say without fear of conse- At a time when there is such atten- bombers or stone throwers quence what happened on Sunday tion on the wrongs of that Sunday, it the 30th January 1972. 10,000 people, is understandable that some will raise Some of those killed or injured predominantly Catholic, marched on the many people, including soldiers, Derry City with the Northern Ireland who were killed in equally as cold were clearly fleeing or going Civil Rights Association, demanding blood by the IRA and other terrorist to help those injured or dying- an end to internment without trial. groups in Northern Ireland, as well as including one man shot dead Such marches had been banned by the here in London. Death dealt by terror- while crawling away from the Unionist Northern Irish government ists should never go without investi- soldiers, already wounded. and the march was blocked by barri- gation nor be left unpunished, but the cades set up and manned by the British idea that murder could be committed Army. by professional soldiers against the ci- None of the casualties was Enraged, many of the younger pro- vilians they are supposed to protect is posing a threat or doing anything testors began throwing stones at the surely beyond justification; that they that would justify their shooting. barricade and were met with rubber could then manage to cover this up is bullets, tear gas and water cannon beyond belief. Many of the soldiers from the army. The army was then sent The victims of IRA bombs were lied about their actions out to arrest as many of the marchers never blamed by the government as possible. It is at this point that, when for their own deaths. A simple truth Cameron captains England

MMikeike HuntHunt politics either. As such they have de- pected to start on the bench. This is cided they have an equal mandate to by far a promotion from their tea and represent the nation in South Africa coffee making tasks in the cabinet. Yesterday evening it was announced as they have in Westminster. After years of advocating a 4-3-1 for- that the Cabinet will be replacing the With Green no longer in goal, the mation they have backed down to the England team in the World Cup. In a chances of England bringing home Tory demands of a 4-4-2 lineup for a move that sees the first democratically the World Cup have soared. Book- chance to sit on the bench. elected national football team, David makers already are giving 2-1 odds Boris Johnson has flown out to Cameron and chums will swapping that William Hague will score a hat- South Africa but is unlikely to play their suits for England kits. trick in today’s match against Alge- after his rugby-tackling shenanigans The switch was prompted after ria. Other star players include Eric of his last football match. Of course England’s draw against the USA gave Pickles, who, being almost the size of Boris isn’t a member of the cabinet, rise to widespread condemnation the goal, is expected to block nearly but it just wouldn’t be right for the of Capello’s squad. After decades of every shot on target. other toffs to go without him. armchair managers proclaiming they While the cabinet are in South Af- Naturally the move means that could pick the squad better than the rica the country will be run entirely from now on the England team will England manager we are one step by the Queen. She has stated her be democratically elected. closer to the goal. main policies will be to set up an Al- Following the World Cup we will While no-one actually voted for the paca farm in every local park. finally have an England squad that cabinet to represent us at football, Prince Philip has been deputised truly represents the English pub- the cabinet doesn’t accurately repre- into the foreign office. lic. Tactical voting has a whole new sent the overall will of the country in The Lib Dem players are widely ex- meaning. Boris Johnson could be England’s star player if he could avoid rugby tackling felix FRIDAY 18 JUNE 2010 9 [email protected] POLITICS Narcotics and prohibition in UK today

DDomincominc MMacIveracIver bitionist consensus leads to attack by populist demagogues on all sides, as was seen in the criticism of Professor Back in 1927, André Gide, a French Nutt, unsurprisingly nicknamed the author, heard about opium-smoking, “Nutty Professor” (despite being an cocaine-addicted school kids. One was internationally recognised expert in caught injecting in his finals. When neuropsychopharmocology). cornered, he blamed his teacher: “Do Voicing opposition to prohibition you think anyone could endure the has long been one of the popular me- dullness of his teaching without shoot- dia’s enemies. Criticism of prohibition ing up?” Contrary to contemporary is muted, relegated to opinion col- tabloid warnings about the ever-spiral- umns. This is driven by two factors: ing degeneracy of today’s youth, drug firstly the issue’s political unpopular- consumption has long been a rite of ity with the voting population (i.e. passage across the world for a minor- middle-aged parents and the elderly), ity of young people trying to cope with and secondly, because critical debate the emotional and physical stresses of of complex policy issues doesn’t sell growing up, meanwhile defying au- papers. Headlines like “Cocaine Kate: thority and causing mischief. Supermodel Kate Moss snorts line af- In Britain, narcotic prohibition came ter line” do. into force through the 1920 Danger- This has been a significant and ne- ous Drugs Act, which passed follow- glected cause of youthful alienation ing debate between six MPs. The only from conventional politics ever since dissenter was a Scottish doctor, Walter the end of 1960s, when the over-op- Eliot, who warned against the moral timistic counter-cultural wave broke absolutism those “barbarians of the against the rocks of the conservative West” – American prohibitionists – backlash. who had pressured other countries Following the United States making into following their lead. From these LSD illegal in 1968, youthful prefer- foundations emerged the Prohibition- ence steadily shifted towards more ist consensus that grew to become the damaging drugs: to cocaine and heroin from the 1970s, MDMA/Ecstasy from the late 1980s, crack and crystal meth “... prohibition, the from the 1990s, and now ketamine and mephedrone at the end of the Drugs guns and money are all very profitable. Some argue for their decriminalisation to cut crime and raise revenues. law that turned noughties. Telling the curious, the rebellious, Americans into and the vulnerable that chasing any to the pockets of organized criminals, relocation to Mexico, which is now amongst the finest western cultural kind of unsanctioned high is wrong, spilling gallon after gallon of blood in fighting a bloody war with powerful, outputs of the noughties, argued pas- a nation of law- disgusting and evil has had limited ef- the Third World – as can be seen in ruthless and heavily-armed crimi- sionately against the continuing fallacy fect. Disingenuously telling schoolchil- Mexico at the moment. nal networks. Prohibition has been of prohibition. The Economist, a bas- breakers” dren that smoking cannabis will result Prohibition, as in the time of the the spring of rivers of blood in Latin tion of the British Establishment, has in their becoming a schizophrenic, prohibition of alcohol in the US in the America. Blood feuds, corrupted re- long done the same. Stories abound crack-addled prostitute will clearly al- 1920s, essentially removes the role of gimes and criminal empires have be- of British policemen, having caught “War on Drugs”, a war that govern- ienate them from established power state in regulating trade rules and en- gun, fattened and imploded, fuelled by potheads in the act, helping them play ments are losing miserably, defeated by structures (particularly the police) forcing contracts. As a businessman, if the giant profit margins that prohibi- the system out of sympathy. The US a motley collection of ruthless organ- when they discover this is not true. your product of, say, gold are stolen by tion stimulates by the high price of and is very quietly opening the door on a ized criminals, baffled potheads, hope- Illegal drug users frequently con- a competitor, you can go to the police demand for illegal drugs. state-by-state basis for decriminalized less addicts, profit-hungry dealers and struct a self-image as individualist re- to get them back and put your com- There is little evidence that more marijuana through a messy, state-by- ordinary consumers. bels against conventional society and petitor out of business. The security repressive policy reduces drug abuse. state system of medical prescriptions. In 1927, Edmund Wilson wrote that the established political order. This services possess the monopoly on vio- Repressive Sweden and more liberal The contours of a new policy would “people going on sprees, toots, jags, goes for both addicts and occasional lence. If, however, your product of il- Norway have precisely the same addic- have to be gradual and cautious. Re- brannigans or benders” were rare be- abusers. For addicts, it is more attrac- legal liquor or cocaine is stolen by your tion rates. UK cannabis consumption turning cannabis to Class C would be cause “fierce protracted drinking has tive to see oneself as a romantic out- rival, unable to go to the police, you actually decreased during the time it the first step, with an exemption for now become a universal feature of so- sider free from conventional morality must arm yourself and seek vengeance. was a Class C. Unless we create a total- the strongest strains. Reducing penal- cial life.” He was speaking at the height rather than a hopeless wretch, driven The police lose their monopoly on vio- itarian system of informant networks, ties for possession, and, later, supply, of the Prohibition, the law that turned to desperation by sickness. Changing lence, and become an unwelcome and would be the next. Any money saved Americans into a nation of law-break- attitudes to addiction, recognising it ineffectual referee in the competition from law enforcement should be re- ers and created a new breed of organ- as an illness deserving pity rather than for profit. invested into drug education and re- ized criminal. animosity is one step towards tackling This simple explanation accounts for “Stories abound of search, and public health programmes Contemporary parallels are plain to it. the violence of organized criminality, to cut addiction, particularly in prisons see. Conservative and Labour politi- Meanwhile, occasional drug-fuelled from warring Colombian cartels to fe- British policemen, and deprived areas. Fully decriminaliz- cians desperately clamber over one an- hedonism has become an entrenched ral youths in street gangs. In modern ing soft drugs, providing honest infor- other to prove their moral absolutism: consumerist society, where wealth is having caught mation about them and pricing them sternly condemning drug-users, play- portrayed as the precursor to happi- accordingly through taxation would ing to tabloid hysteria over mephe- “Meanwhile, ness, the ambitious few without the potheads in the act, both offer government a (much need- drone abuse, and competing to con- connections or education to achieve ed) new stream of revenue and greatly demn and denigrate Professor Nutt, occasional drug- this legally will inevitably resort to helping them play reduce the role of gangsterism in the the sacked expert who mistakenly pro- achieving it illegally. Producing, trans- trade. This alone would be a good start. nounced his own opinion. fuelled hedonism porting and pushing illegal drugs is the the system out of Today’s generation – apathetic, in- For decades, the question of decrimi- most profitable way to do this. debted, demoralized and broke – have nalizing drugs has largely been outside has become part of Effective repression of drug markets sympathy” been largely turned off conventional the parameters of accepted debate. at best forces a change in consump- politics. Prohibition is not all to blame. The dominant discourse on illegal clubbing culture” tion trends and the relocation of pro- We have been left with an ugly, ugly drugs portrays them as the greatest so- duction. For example, cannabis pro- arbitrary repressive punishments and world full of debt and pointless war by cial evil, looming over the minds, bod- duction has shifted from the Middle absolute control over borders, drug our elders. Governments don’t change ies and souls of the nation’s children. East, Latin America and South Asia abuse will simply not go away. Remov- until their population compels them There is a stigma attached to arguing part of clubbing culture. Cocaine con- to secret factories and farms in the ing prohibition is the least bad option. to. Let us hope the coalition govern- against prohibition, one that makes sumption in Britain is the highest in developed world, often manned by il- There are some glimmers of hope, ment charts a separate course to its me seriously reluctant to put my name Europe. According to UN statistics, legal workers. Opium production has emerging from the century-old fog forebears. I am not optimistic. I just on this article for fear of future reper- 5% of the world’s population take il- moved from Thailand and Turkey to of hysteria. Various influential cul- pray our generation doesn’t descend cussions concerning my professional legal drugs. Another UN estimate Burma and Afghanistan. tural and political outlets in the media further into apathy and hedonism, advancement. guesses the trade is worth $320 billion Removing traditional supply routes are putting the case against prohibi- instead of working to change a faulty Stepping out of line from the prohi- per year. This giant sum goes straight from Colombia to the US led to their tion. The television series the Wire, system. 10 felix FRIDAY 18 JUNE 2010

Business Editor Sina AtaherianAtaherian BUSINESS [email protected] Newspaper rocked by fresh scandals his week saw further scan- seat instead. The FBI’s suspicions were story for felix may be the way in which dals for the embattled fe- first raised when they noticed that it handled it. The story was initially lix newspaper that is still Shubber was Iraqi and therefore most leaked by one of the paper’s own blog- T struggling to recover from probably an Arab. They claim to have gers in an article for the online version recent news surrounding subsequently obtained secret footage of the publication. Staff felt Editor Dan Editor Dan Wan’s unholy communions of Shubber boasting “sup me bitches, Wan in particular was out of touch, es- with senior members of the Roman guess what - I just bribed my way to pecially when asked about his efforts to Catholic Church. It emerged on Tues- becoming felix editor!” Mr. Shubber clean up the news leak. His answer of day that next year’s editor-“elect” Ka- insists that that comment has been “I want my life back” led many to doubt dhim Shubber had in fact bought the taken out of context. his sympathy with staff who have been position for $500,000 from a Roma- The newspaper’s legions of staff were even more rocked by the scandal. nian Governor Rod Blagojevich. The united, along with both of its read- The newspaper is used to being criti- position was initially supposed to go ers, in dismissing the allegations as a cised, for example for making up most to Barack Obama, who won 51.5% of distraction from the important work of its news stories, relying on Wikipe- votes cast in the Union’s online poll, in ahead. Politics editor Phillip Gold- dia as a primary research tool and con- what the media described as a massive crees, expressed strong support for sidering staff photographers to be an landslide that set a clear mandate for Shubber, asking “who amongst us can interchangeable asset with Google Im- healthcare reform. truly say they have never slept with a ages. But the recent revelations about But the FBI is now alleging that goat? Oh what, you mean the bribery corruption within the organisation following Obama’s decision to turn thing?” Poor People Editor Rory Fen- have weakened its bargaining position down the position in order to become ton added, “blah blah blah poor people in currently ongoing negotiations with President of the United States, Shub- – that’s why I support Kadhim.” Rupert Murdoch’s News Corporation Dan Wan has been under pressure recently to testify against Malaysian ber bribed Blagojevich to give him the But the most damaging aspect of this about a possible takeover deal. opposition leader Anwar Ibrahim, but both men strongly deny the allegations Are your shoes worth more than a child’s life?

RRoryory FFentonenton scrutiny. one child) the truer figure is more like There’s an apparent contradiction in £500 for each life saved, according to what charities tell us about the world’s the organisation GiveWell. This seems On your way to work you pass a small poor. They tell us that a billion of the like a lot, and certainly considerably pond. On hot days, children some- world’s people live on $1.25 a day or more than the charity would have us times play in the pond, which is only less. And yet they then say that it only believe but perhaps we can put it into a about knee deep. The weather’s cool costs £3 to feed a child for a month. wider context. Our own governments today, though, and the hour is early, Only £5 for a mosquito net. Only a few use an approximate ‘price per life so you are surprised to see a young pounds for a month of primary educa- saved’ when making decisions about, child splashing about in the pond. As tion. Unless I’m grossly mistaken about for example, the cost effectiveness of you get closer, you realise that it’s a the dollar/pound exchange rate, the improved road safety. According to very young child, just a toddler, who world’s poorest should quite comfort- figures by the USA’s Environmental is flailing about, unable to stay upright ably be able to afford all of these basics. Protection Agency, the average life in or walk out of the pond. You look for People on such a wage have no finan- America is worth 7.22 million dollars, the parents or babysitter but there is cial security as they haven’t the ability or 4.5 million pounds; in other words, no one else around. The child is un- to save up for rainy days. In the case the government considers intervening able to keep its head above the water of a sudden medical bill or natural dis- to be justified if they can save a life for for more than a few seconds at a time. aster, that may mean selling an animal no more than every £4.5 million spent. If you don’t wade in and pull him out, on which a family had relied for milk British figures are similar. If a life is he sounds likely to drown. Wading in and meat, leaving them poorer still. worth this sacrifice to save in the West, is easy and safe but you will ruin the Subject to such a spiral, it can’t rea- a life lost to malaria in Africa will have new shoes you bought only a few days sonably be expected for these people to be worth less than 500/4500000= ago, and get your suit wet and muddy. to ‘help themselves’ put off poverty if 0.00011 lives in the West. It’s simple By the time you hand the child over they can’t afford the medical care or arithmetic. Can we really justify such to someone responsible for him and education to get into work or improve imbalance? Rory Fenton spends his summers teaching English to Kenyan orphans - do YOU? change your clothes, you’ll be late for farming techniques. This would also A strong argument against aid is work. What should you do? have been the case in London only a that it encourages dependency and This is the central piece of philoso- century ago until universal education removes the incentive for countries to answer for that. year, or £65,000. How many Imperial pher Peter Singer’s book ‘The Life You and, later, healthcare were established. help themselves. It is true that while The argument is hard to refute, but students are likely to be earning this Can Save’. There is, of course, only one It takes a minimum standard of living charities must avoid dependency, the it is equally hard to act on. It’s hard to kind of money by the time they reach morally justifiable course of action; before a person can become economi- amount of money put by charities to- consider oneself a bad person for en- their thirties? My guess is, quite a few. wading in. And of the new shoes and cally productive. wards the education and healthcare of joying at pint in the union or going on In the US alone, this would raise over few hours’ pay - they’re clearly mean- But this doesn’t mean that aid will children in developing countries will holiday, and yet the argument above $450 billion - well over double that re- ingless compared to saving the child’s make the situation any better. The never compare to the amount our own would have us down as passing by a quired to reach the UN’s Millennium life. Singer’s argument is as follows: if questions still remain - how much does UK government spends on our uni- drowning child. It’s certainly true that Development Goals (and that’s not in- 10 million children under the age of it really cost to save a life and is aid re- versity tuition (£7,000 per student per the drowning argument can never real- cluding the amount already promised five die every year of poverty, is fail- ally a long term benefit? year) or healthcare (£1,700 per person istically be taken to its extreme, which by government) to eradicate extreme ing to respond not morally equivalent A concrete example is the prevention per year) for each of us. I’m sure we would have all of us give up everything poverty. to walking past a drowning child? Es- of malaria. Nothing But Nets, a charity would all be offended at the idea of this until we had barely enough for our own But while poverty fighting salaries of pecially if combating extreme poverty that sends anti-malaria nets to Africa, encouraging dependency in British education and health. Thankfully, that £65,000 are a long time in the future for will take no greater sacrifice than that says it costs just £5 for one net - “that’s students. I certainly don’t plan to be on isn’t at all necessary and the sacrifices us students, there is still much that we pair of shoes. £5 to save a life”, they say. “If you do- the dole after graduation. required are quite manageable. can do. But just how effective is the aid that nate £50, that’s 10 lives saved”. But this A fair criticism is that food aid en- Peter Singer suggests that every Getting involved in the many chari- individuals and governments invest is clearly not really the case. Most peo- courages dependency when wealthy person who finds themselves in the ties on campus is a great start. Extreme in combating world poverty? It’s easy ple who get these nets will not die of countries simply offload their surplus top ten percent of American earners poverty is arguably the last great evil to talk about children and ponds but malaria. Many of those who do get the food to developing nations, destroying should donate 5% of their income to left for mankind to face down. With the situation on the ground in a de- disease will not die of it, not forgetting domestic farming in the process and development charities, rising to 10% the right will from both government veloping country may involve corrupt that in practice the nets may not always leaving communities entirely depend- for the top 1%. This wouldn’t be at all and citizen it can be done and as I hope leaders, civil wars and inefficient char- be used all of the time. Taking these ent on the foreign food but this isn’t difficult and, importantly, wouldn’t be is shown above, tackling it is not just a ity bureaucracies. It’s time to put the facts into consideration (and bearing practiced by charities, except in emer- a tax, rather a suggestion. This equates moral obligation but entirely practical economics of fighting poverty under in mind that a net will cover more than gencies. It is governments who have to to those earning over $100,000 per and painless. felix FRIDAY 18 JUNE 2010 11 Science Editors Nathan Ley & Brigette AtkinsAtkins SCIENCE [email protected]

On writing ‘Science’ - a half Wot u lookin’ at? arsed rant

NNathanathan LLeyey Science Editor BBrigetterigette AAtkinstkins Science Editor

elcome to the end to the creative and imaginative skills it nd it’s here, the last issue when you have such a high quality paper of the academic has forced me to harness as well as the of this year and the last distributed around college for free every year, the end of an influence and power at my disposal. felix Nathan and I are Friday - to see what a crap job they do of W arduous, tumultu- Occasionally people (boring, pedantic, A science editors for. After it and some of the rubbish that passes as ous, rewarding and losers-at-life I can only assume?) have taking a break from felix ‘science news’ (though, strictly speak- life-defining year, something which written in complaining about certain for several weeks due to exams ing, this column can’t really pass you'll always look back on with fond- things that have been published, but and such like, I had one final for either of those terms.) ness. Or maybe not. In fact, probably most feedback has been positive. It’s opportunity to get an ar- As is well documented by not. You may find that you're so worn tradition to end on a lighter note in ticle printed as science several stand-up come- court out from exam season and all the as- the final edition of the year, but we’ve editor. After a four dians, the Mail would case between Simon sociated shit that you built onto it that maintained a degree of integrity and week break, have us all avoiding Singh and the Brit- ish you'll need 3 months to recover by do- honour the whole time and don’t see it you would artificial light and Chiropractic Association (boo- ing absolutely nothing. Typical, just right to ruin our hard work with one have thought water for fear of de- hiss) - that was at least four weeks of typical. slack issue. By way of a compromise, that would be plenty veloping cancer. (In- material right there. We also highlight- Back in my first issue in October I one of the stories below is false, the enough time to come terestingly, they claim ed the problem surrounding libel tour- told you not to become a typical Im- other is true. Enjoy. up with an utterly gardens, grapefruit, sex ism and its effect on science writers perial student. I told you to not follow But to conclude, and let this be my amazing idea. Some kind and electricity both cause being able to make public scientifically the stereotype and actually go and do parting shot, so what if I, myself may of thoroughly researched and prevent cancer – talk true, if reputation damaging, informa- something different outside the realm come out with a terrible, career in- feature with a whimsical interview, about a dilemma.) So cheers tion. We had an entirely unexpected of your immediate sphere, but here hibiting degree in a couple of weeks flashy graphics and a show-stopping for anyone who wrote for the response to our call for writers for you are, the typical exhausted end of time? I’ve tried damn hard, but just as title. But no, nothing, not a sausage. I section this year and sorry the Green Week edition, with ten year student with nothing else going importantly I’ve maintained a perspec- couldn’t even think of anything to rant we can't pay you. articles sent in over the space of on in your life. But who am I to look tive, and a view of what it’s like to actu- about in typical column style where I Although, saying this, one week (trust me, that’s lots!), down my nose at you? I'm just a lowly ally be a normal human being, unlike could bombard you with my opinion Kadhim just brought in covered the second attempt science editor with no right to dictate the majority of the Imperial populace. about something you really don’t give a copy of The Sun: ‘As to switch on the LHC and terms, surely? Wrong. I know better, Even if bad news does come my way, I a damn about and would stop read- followers of Pascal have Hubble’s 20th birthday. So, and I know how you should be living can freely say my whole time at Impe- ing after 100 words. (Though I doubt found, everything in the busy times! your life. End of. rial hasn’t been a waste, not at all. you're still here even now.) The only universe has a non-zero Like I said, I’m fresh out Anyway, to other matters. We've It would, however, be a complete lie thing I can think of is that probability except for ab- of ideas and need a summer tried to bring you quite a lot this year to say that this place is the dogs bol- the whole summer term surdities. And absurdity is break to clear my head of in our section. Some weeks, Brigette locks. It’s not. For the most part, Im- in its revision-filled glory a phenomenon with- mulch and cobwebs. But, and I have neglected to offer you any perial attracts the wrong sort of people has turned my mind to out a valid math- hey, we filled the space pearls of wisdom due to reasons such (dull, boring nobodies who have had mush and banished any ematical relation.’ once more and there’s as "work", "other commitments" and it all on a plate), gives them the wrong amount of creativity Eh?! THE SUN!?!? a science page for the "being a second year physicist OMG things to do, and makes it too easy for that was doubtfully All in all it’s been first time in a couple IT'S SO HARD", but most of the time people to come out the other side and lurking in there in a good year for the of weeks! we have endeavoured to take time out graduate as insular, nervous, quivering the first place. science section with ar- Oh yeh, the ran- of our lives to create something origi- wrecks. I’ll most definitely look back Science, I think, is ticles on laser diet treat- dom pictures? Not nal, interesting, witty and sometimes upon my time fondly (to a point), but one of the most diffi- ments and the use of horse just essentials for any opinionated. It is something that I really? There’s a whole world out there cult subjects to write about. placenta fluid in injury lairy summer weekender hope you have enjoyed reading occa- you know, and maybe that’s something You only have to thumb through the treatment featuring among - they all give you cancer also. Don’t sionally, because it's been a fantastic you should think about before you Daily Mail - not quite sure why you the covered topics. Of course we say you weren’t warned - flip flops are thing to be responsible for, mostly due come back next year. would - or The Sun - again, especially got heavily involved with following the truly evil.

‘Cloud-Creator’ gets go-ahead Labrador saves the day...again! The Daily Mail has this week reported findings On Wednesday new plans to combat the increasing problem from its new research laboratories in Happy Valley of global climate change got the go-ahead from the new - Goose Bay, that the humble black Labrador has coalition government. The Nimbus 2000 project will see the properties that make it an ideal candidate to construction of two large ‘dehumidifying’ machines set to be be the first official “Parkinson’s disease cure”. placed above the English Channel and the Atlantic. The so- They claim that the degenerative disorder can be called ‘Cloud-Creators’ will extract excess water vapour from reversed, and in 99.99% of cases cure the patient above the sea surface, condense the water to liquid using completely. How does it work? Well, evidence has electricity generated by inbuilt solar panels and produce yet to be released from the somewhat secretive clouds. The Creators stretch 9km into the sky and will increase and controversial institution, but it is thought the high-level cloud content of the atmosphere thus increasing that the curative effect can be induced by simply the planetary albedo and allowing for an increased reflection of incoming solar radiation. stroking the animal whilst it sits next to the patient with a bone in mouth (assuming The whole project will cost £26million and take five years to construct. Early computer one’s hand can be kept still for long enough). simulations show that the Nimbus 2000 project could cool the UK by over 15 degrees - conditions The skeptics are already out in force to condemn the findings. Distinguished not seen in this part of the globe since the last ice-age. Dr Rob Green, the brains behind the restaurateur Zheng Wong from the “Chinese Official Chowing-on-dogs Kollection” concept, stated ‘We hope this will revolutionise how we perceive and tackle climate change. I (COCK) dismissed the findings as “absolute wubbish”. He continued “these things, want the UK to act as a small ‘cool - box’ which will gradually lower the temperature of the rest they need to be eaten not worshipped. You saw what happened when the Hindu’s In brief of the Earth over a longer period of time.’ started worshipping the cow, they stopped eating the besets meat of them all and their The idea has been met with much enthusiasm by the public. Stacey, 21, Luton commented ‘It’s lives have been worse ever since!”. really good idea and we need to stop the sea levels rising because things are dying.’ However, the Despite the fact that the evidence has yet to be released, Labrador lovers have Nimbus 2000 has been a cause for concern for many animal rights activist groups who claim the embraced the findings, stating “we knew this all along, I mean, how can one breed machines will disrupt the flight patterns of seagulls and may pose a danger to them should they of dog be so handsome, functional and loving without having at least one curative fly into the machines. The first phase of the development is scheduled to begin later this year. function”. We’ll let the jury decide. 12 felix FRIDAY 18 JUNE 2010 CULTURE & ArArtsts Editors Rosie Milton, Caz Knight & Lucy HarroldHarrold THE ARTS [email protected] Skinbags, syphilis and spot squeezing This is the End CCazaz KnightKnight Arts Editor A destination for the incurably curious: the Wellcome Collection’s latest exhibition Skin gives Caz Knight plenty to wonder at eing Arts Editor has been a inside you or rekindles a long lost wonderful and enlighten- memory. ing part of my life for the This is highly subjective and should B last three years. So much not by any means be taking too seri- so that I thought of myself ously - the beauty of art is that its inter- more as a journalist and editor than as pretation is up to the viewer entirely. a biochemist or business school stu- Art does not know who has an Art de- dent. It is with sadness and reluctance gree and who does not! that I write my final editorial for felix I hope you have enjoyed reading the Arts. arts section as much as I have done Before going I will impart you with creating it. I will leave you with a quo- a little “formula” I subconsciously use tation from a beautiful book - Narcis- when considering art: sus and Goldmund by the revered Her- 1-Skill: the skill which has been nec- man Hesse - as food for thought: essary to and deployed in creating said piece of art. “We fear death, we shudder at life’s 2-Aesthetic: how beautiful the work instability, we grieve to see the flowers of art is to you. wilt again and again, and the leaves 3-Concept: a piece of art may be fall, and in our hearts we know that we, hideous to look at, but the ingenu- too, are transitory and will soon disap- ity or originality of the idea may be pear. When artists create pictures and outstanding. thinkers search for laws and formulate 4-Impact: All three of the above cri- thoughts, it is in order to salvage some- teria may displease you but, somehow, thing from the great dance of death, to the work of art still stirs something make something last longer than we do.”

An écorché figure lying prone on the table

fraction of a millimeter gard for our outer encasing, dispens- els, drawings and diagrams also lies a thick and yet it keeps us ing of it and seeing it as a barrier to huge host of art, ranging from Renais- warm and cools us down; our discovery of our inner “truth”. It sance oil paintings to modern photog- A tells a story through was not until the eighteenth century raphy, animation and sculpture such marks, tattoos and scars; that the profession of dermatology de- as Tamsin van Essen’s ceramic apoth- identifies us but still protects our veloped whereby each affliction of the ecary jars, the surfaces of which have An ulcered forearm Latex SkinBag garment hidden depths - both the figurative skin was carefully studied and cures been pocked, speckled and cracked to and visceral. It flakes off every other discovered: on display are some of the resemble syphilis, acne and psoriasis. day, yet we spend hours scrutinising, early wax models which were used in Scanning Electron Micrograph im- and even the skin of its eyelids still the exhibition. Visitors can engage cleansing, toning, exfoliating, mois- the medical profession as a means of ages sit metres away from a beautifully stretched over the eye sockets. Other with some of the latest advances in turising and tanning it, all in pursuit profiling diseases of the skin. preserved Peruvian mummy, dating cultural artefacts include an essay doc- skin technology and also try on the of perfect skin. Our skin is surely the Intermingled with the medical mod- back to 1200 AD, with its hair intact umenting how native South American latex, stomach turning SkinBag gar- most ephemeral of all our organs, but women would swap their husbands ments which recall Buffalo Bill from is also the border between what we for the Spanish conquistadores on ac- The Silence of the Lambs and his aim perceive (the outside world) and how count of the latter’s superior love mak- of making a “woman suit” out of real we perceive. It bridges the gap between ing skills. skin. Perhaps less extreme is the tat- too competition where entrants have the chance to design a tattoo for ink- SEM images sit enthusiast Caisa Ederyd. The winner Weirder still are will have their tattoo etched forever on metres away Casia’s skin in a live tattooing event on notebooks... bound July 22. from a... Peruvian Skin is definitely the most fascinat- in human skin ing organ culturally and scientifically mummy and the unerring Collection gives us a The Wellcome Collection has catered highly diverse array of curiosities to in- knowing and not knowing, and is thus for all tastes and levels of squeamish- clude in the latest of their ever thought a most appropriate theme for explora- ness, with the beautiful photography provoking exhibitions. A treasure tion by the Wellcome Collection in the contained in ‘Xterior VIII’ by Desiree chest of wonders, this is a perfect com- recently opened ‘Skin’. Dolron sitting just around the corner bination of art, science and the strange. The exhibition snakes its way from Win Delvoye’s video Sybille II, a through the pleasantly lit and cool five minute close up of blackheads be- space, examining skin in every context ing burst. Weirder still are the note- Until 23 September 2010 imaginable, beginning with medical books supposedly bound in human écorché drawings from the fifteenth skin and the skin samples from nine- Open late every Thursday til century - anatomical depictions of the teenth century France withthe tattoos 10pm human body with the skin removed, still visible on them. each muscle striation meticulously Less interesting but more interac- www.wellcomecollection.org captured. Early medicine had little re- Tamsin van Essen’s ceramic apothecary jar: Psoriasis tive is the Skin Lab, which concludes felix FRIDAY 18 JUNE 2010 13 [email protected] ARTS Fuck the Tate Modern, we can draw too Lucy Harrold takes out four years worth of anger and sarcasm on some poor unsuspecting self portraits

n days gone past, the front row was the place to be – the most expensive and exclusive tick- I ets, the tickets that showed you had power and position in the world. In short, theatre-seating hier- achy was simple. The closer you were to the front, the more important you were. I guess this has something to do with being closest to the stage (and supposedly having the best view) as well as being closest to the stars. So what has changed? Most front rows are now taken up by loudmouth teenagers with no theatre dress sense (I once saw a girl wearing a t-shirt and not much else). I think this progres- sion is twofold (or maybe three if I can think straight!) and its results also give the appearance of ouroboros: that of a snake biting its tail – or in theatre terms, well we'll get to that later. Over the years, set designs have be- come vaster if not more imaginative. In the sixties and seventies we saw some of the most amazing designs such as the set of Grind that completely rotated between scenes to show the inside and outside of a club. A pioneer of outland- ish set design was Eugene Lee, one of my favourite set designers if only for the way his sets perfectly set the atmosphere of a play. Among his crazy ideas was a pro

I really don’t want to meet Elizabeth Ed Knock (Film Editor) originally gave me a picture of himself as a superhero, now I’ve got Griffiths (Copy Editor) on a dark night Alex Ashford (Music Editor) obviously took my email about ruthlessly and a picture of himself with a superhero. Anyone guess who it is? Yep, saviour of the world as I’ve always had a fear of people with scathingly critiquing these pictures seriously. Look at the effort! There’s even Barack Obama. He looks a bit scared, maybe because of Ed’s wandering hand/paw. big heads. So I’m just going to leave shading and shit. I’m impressed, I don’t think I can analyse this, I don’t even like now...bye...um, yeah. art.

Yeah, thanks Az (Games Writer), what was the fucking point? Lined paper? No colouring in? You should be ashamed. Although I am a fan of the blank eyebrows and goaty beard.

This interpretation the Editor Master Dan Wan Esquire really emphasises exactly what he is: a short chubby Chinese boy, or the effort he’s taken to ensure his hair is absolutley perfect, even using a completely different pen! Definitely gay.

Rox Middleton (Copy Editor) has gone for an “I can draw me” look, I particularly like the The Library - a post modernist gallery or just Rhys Davies (Catnip Editor) was Schindler’s List-esque use of red which, of course, you can’t see as I scanned these in on a so lazy he couldn’t be arsed to use his own paper. This is a drawing of much black and white copier. There’s a slight tinge of sadness there, obviously because the hair symbolism. Is the straight jacket an expression of his own madness or a cry for was longing for a yellow felt tip. help? And what’s with the fez? 14 felix FRIDAY 18 JUNE 2010 ARTS [email protected] Art? Yeh, sure, sure... but will it blend? Rhys Davies uncovers the secret movement of Blendism: famous pieces of artwork that have been blended

or years now, the lead- some cases, surprising, keeping many ing question in Modern a commentator on the edge of their Art has been, “Yes, but is seat. F it Art?” Those five words The mystery of the Mona Lisa's smile have haunted museums and was famously solved last month when galleries up and down the country as the blended product was found to have people have grappled for answers, or the same consistency as a McDonald's alternatively, suggested that answers Happy Meal; turns out she was just are merely one way of many of seeking happy after all. and expressing knowledge in a post- Other blended works include Dami- colonial, post-modern, post-office so- en Hirst's ‘Mother and Child, Divided’ ciety. However, things are beginning to (which actually made quite a splendid change as more and more people ask beef gravy) and the ‘For the Love of the new question on the block, “Yes, God’ skull (though the diamonds did but will it blend?” put the blender out of comission for In a drive to breathe more life into the a few weeks); Michelangelo's ‘David’ art world, classic works, both old and (which is now being touted as a power- new, are subjected to the steely jaws of ful aphrodisiac) and Tracey Emin's ‘My the blender to purée out the essence of Bed’ (which, everyone agrees, has been art itself. The leader of this new move- much improved by blending). ment, Paul Verizer, described the phi- We are living in exciting times. losophy behind it, “Art comes in many With so much already achieved by the shapes and forms and what is art varies Blendism movement, what does the from person to person. The debate is future have in store? Verizer stated fine, noble even, but it's getting in the that one day, he would like to blend way of what art should be about; mak- The Angel of the North if only he could ing weird shit and getting paid for it. find a blender big enough. Work has We're trying to recapture that element, already begun on such a device but it is just when it is at risk of being lost.” evident the Blend-men still have a long Works already transformed into way to go. BlendArt include sculptures, installa- On seeing the blender-in-progress, tions and several of the nation's most many people are prompted to ask popular paintings. The results have themselves and those around them, been interesting, inspiring, and in “Yes, but is it art?” Believe or not, the original Mona Lisa was actually blended in 1972. Mr. Bean drew the replica currently in the Louvre

Philip Lawrence Awards Network

Get recognised!

If you’re working with others to help your community, the Philip Lawrence Awards Network (PLAnet) wants to hear from you!

To find out more and be in with a chance of winning a prestigious award and £1000 towards your project visit www.philiplawrenceawards.net

That’s exactly what one Imperial student did. Christina Saadalla is a past winner and she continues to be involved in the Awards as both an Ambassador, inspiring more young people, and in helping to shape the future of the Awards.

The awards, which commemorate the headteacher Philip Lawrence, reward and support young people (under 21) who are taking a lead in their communities and making a difference. Now jointly funded by the Department for Education as well as the Home Office, the awards this year will have a wider reach than ever, with opportunities to hear from previous winners around the country, and the recognition of more young people through regional tier awards finalists.

From tackling issues like bullying and antisocial behaviour to building respect and improving their environment, young people are a force for good. Last year, ten fantastic groups of young people were rewarded for a range of inspiring work including an anti gangs peer research project, a youth music festival, and a support group for recent immigrants.

The 2010 awards are open now and you can apply on line. Visit www.philiplawrenceawards.net for more information about PLAnet and how to enter. You can also read about previous winners, watch videos of their work, and engage with the network through Twitter and Facebook. felix FRIDAY 18 JUNE 2010 15 Film Editor Ed Knock FILM [email protected] Fritzl! - The Musical The delights of In a felix exclusive, we divulge all the information on the planned films in London Roman Polanski directed musical biography about Josef Fritzl EdEd KnockKnock Film Editor n a recent interview, Roman Po- keeping them in the dark. “We will also lanksi revealed his plans for his have plenty of explosions and an excit- new project. Due to the contro- ing finale where Fritzl transforms into ell it’s been a inter- watch little known gems. I versial topic of the film’s subject, a twenty foot robot to avoid arrest.” esting experience Critics deplore at the lack of quality Fritzl! has been shrouded in Bruckheimer is reported as saying. being Film Editor of films these days but we are in fact secrecy but using all the journalistic Michael Bay was first choice to direct Wthis year, a position witnessing a silent revolution in cin- techniques at my disposal, I have man- but his schedule clashed with plans I somehow fell into ema that most people are unaware is aged to gather some interesting de- to make a documentary on the BP and I’ve just about managed to keep the happening, and it all started with The tails. If you haven’t heard of Josef Fritzl oil spill in the Gulf of Mexico, where page running. Of course my job would Blair Witch Project. Traditionally, films then you have probably been locked government scientists race to pre- have been much harder if it wasn’t for are very expensive to make as cameras, in a basement for the past twenty four vent the oil slick from taking over the the regular quality contributions I was tape and development are not cheap. years. world. Bay is described as being ‘gut- sent. I want to especially thank Jade Hollywood films would look profes- As Polanski is twiddling his thumbs ted’ for missing the opportunity to Hoffman, Stefan Zeeman and John sional and glossy and independent under Swiss house arrest, it was too direct the Fritzl film. David Lynch Park for their brilliant reviews and I films would instead look shabby. difficult to contact him however, I was approached as well to direct but The set is projected to be cheap apologise for any butchering I might However, the advent of the digital have received information from other he was soon dropped for insisting have done to them. camera has allowed quality films to undisclosed sources. The film is de- that Fritzl was replaced by possessed topic. Dakota Fanning is speculated to We are very fortunate to live in be made on a low budget, The Blair scribed as a sequel to The Sound of Siamese twins and the film to be set in have been cast as the daughter Eliza- London but I am first to admit that Witch Project was originally shot for Music with a working title of The Von a ‘Minoan parrallel universe’ instead of beth Fritzl. After inquiring about the I haven’t taken full advantage of the about $25,000 but went on to make Trapped Family. According to the Austria. risqué scenes involving her character, wealth of cinema available to us. I can $248,639,099. Suddenly movie studios film’s producer, Jerry Bruckheimer, the Bruckheimer is happy that Polanski Dakota stated that “it can’t be worse blame the inconveniences and stress and investors were intrigued by the plot will explore the Austrian tradition has enough experience with under- than spending two months with Tom of my busy Imperial timetable, but I potential of low budget films. Over the of teaching their children about sex by age girls to handle the film’s sensitive Cruise on the set of War of the Worlds”. know that most of the time I am too last decade, the quality and sophistica- The only other role to have been lazy to trek all the way to the East End tion of digital technology has improved cast so far is that of Josef Fritzl himself to watch an inconspicuous independ- so much that now anyone with a few who will be performed by the double ent film limited in its release to one thousand pounds and some computer Academy Award winning actor Kevin cinema. It’s hypocritical of me to rant software can compete for the Oscars. Spacey. “Kevin jumped at the oppor- about illegal movie downloads hurting As Hollywood pushes towards 3D to tunity to play Fritzl”, said a delighted the film industry when I’m content to keep punters returning to the cinemas, Polanski, “he is perfect for the part, languish on my bed and watch a piss novice directors are emerging to pro- there is no other actor who could fill poor quality version of Shrek 4 online. vide us will interesting films that push that man’s shoes”. Daniel Day Lewis But when I have been bothered to the boundaries of style and taste. I be- was another contender for the part but watch something different, I have been lieve the critics are wrong, if they look his plan to do it ‘method’ and start his thoroughly rewarded. The highlight of past commercial cinema then they own family with his daughter in a dun- the year for me was Love Exposure, a would see a huge ocean of creative tal- geon proved unfavourable due to time four hour long Japanese Indie film that ent that is getting larger everyday. constraints. was incredibly mental but insanely That is why we are so privileged to Andrew Lloyd Webber will write and good. The only cinema in the whole live in London where all the blockbust- score the music and songs including country screening it was the ICA (In- ers, homegrown ‘indies’ and World ‘There is no escaping while I am raping stitute of Contemporary Arts) and so I Cinema are available to watch with a under the floor!’ Another song will de- thought it was a too good a chance to little bit of effort and an Oyster card. scribe a neighbours amazement at liv- miss. There are plenty of big cinemas It’s a delight watching films and just as ing next door to Fritzl’s daughter. “For in London to watch mainstream re- enjoyable reviewing them. If you have the past twenty four years I’ve been liv- leases and a wonderful array of smaller always wanted to submit a film review ing next door to Alice. Alice, who the ‘arthouse’ and independent cinemas but haven’t found time, don’t hesitate fuck is Alice?” This film will not be re- like the BFI and Curzon theatres to to do so next year! Kevin Spacey Josef Fritzl leased in the foreseeable future.

The most highly anticipated films at the Edinburgh International Film Festival The Illusionist Jackboots on WhitehallGet Low Superhero Me

The Illusionist is the talk of the In this highly explosive alternative Robert Duvall stars as a mean Join filmmaker Steve Sale on his town in Edinburgh at the moment. history, the Nazi’s have invaded hermit who decides to throw a quest to become the costumed It is a melancholic adaptation of a Britain and it’s up to the Scots funeral party for himself whilst crusader SOS and keep Jaques Tati story brought to life by to form a resistance and rescue he’s still alive. Bill Murray helps the mean streets of Sutton the brilliant animation of Sylvain Winston Churchill. It looks the old man out whilst trying and Epsom clean of Chomet (The Belleville Rendevous) fantastically barmy with Ewan to understand why he’s been crime. This looks McGregor donating his voice to shooting everyone who’s come like a entertaining a cast of ridiculous near him over the years. comic documentary looking puppets. of the real Kick Ass. Steve enlists the help of comic book geeks, martial arts instructors and other real life superheroes (they exist) in his mission to become a legend. 16 felix FRIDAY 18 JUNE 2010

Music Editors: Alexandra Ashford, Kadhim Shubber & Luke TurnerTurner MUSIC Online Editor: Christopher WalmsleyWalmsley [email protected] www.felixmusic.tk

It has been a Felix’s essential summer playlist pprivilege and a These tracks will make you 80% more likely to ‘find yourself’ lot of fun KadhimKadhim SShubberhubber Music Editor

es we’ve reached the end. there was much point in doing long, The absolute, immuta- overwrought reviews; we wanted to let ble end. Let me begin by you know about as much music as pos- Ythanking my co-Editors sible and with a little prodding, let you Alex, Luke and Chris and make your own mind. everyone who has contributed this My one regret is that we didn’t spend year; Duncan Casey, Jamie Fraser, Lily Le, time publicising musicians at Imperial. Greg Power, Hugh Crail, Emily Beech, Joan- The worry was that we couldn’t do it na Cai, Eliot Barford, Andy Roast, Richard in a way that wouldn’t offend fellow Waldie, Craig Glastonbury, Mariam Zahedi, students but that was also credible, i.e. Holly Cumbers, Ben Cook, Jon Richens, Robin you the reader didn’t think we were Andrews, Emilie Beauchamp, Ed Knock, just being nice for the sake of it. It’s a Ariel Pink’s Haunted Graffiti Ganglians Fang Island Barnaby Walker, Jack Massey, Stuart Hig- problem that I hope next year’s Music Round and Round Lost Words Life Coach gins, Michael Inkpen, Katie Clemence, Kate team will overcome because there is a Smith, Matthew Stringer, Sophie Okell, Tom great deal of talent at Imperial and at 4AD Souterrain Transmissions Sargent House Jennings, Dan Wan, Renny Norman, Rhys the very least their own student news- Davies and Flavian Vansyngel. paper should be open to them. It’s been an absolute privilege to be Finally, get involved next year. Peo- Music Editor, and a whole lot of fun. I ple always tell me that they’re worried got free tickets to loads of gigs and man- about their writing being poor and my aged to grow a sizeable CD collection response every time is that the only along the way. Most importantly, I’m reason that my writing is passable now now able to hold a conversation about is that I’ve practised. You’ve got to start music without wondering why farm somewhere and felix is probably the tools like “Pitchfork” keep cropping up. best place. We’ll give you tips and iron I hope that you’ve enjoyed reading out any problems and we’d never turn the section too. We made an effort to our noses up at your writing. Because have a lot of content each week. That if we did, you could always pull out the meant doing shorter gig and album re- first articles that we wrote and THAT views but to be honest, we didn’t think would truly be embarrassing. Can’t be arsed to go camping? L.E.D Festival - 27th & 28th August Holy Fuck iamamiwhoami Maximum Balloon Latin America u-2 Latin America Who: Where: Young Turks DGC Records

Aphex Twin David Guetta Friendly Victoria Park, Fires Calvin Harris (live) Goldfrapp London. Thanks to Alex Ashford, Jamie Soulwax Leftfield Annie Mac Audio £70 two day ticket Fraser and Greg Power for the Bullys www.ledfestival.net Most listened to this week by playlist Felix Music members on last.fm

CYPRESS HILL ELLIE GOULDING 1. Florence + The Machine Reviews RISE UP LIGHTS PRIORITY POLYDOR 2. Gorillaz ALBUM ALBUM 3. Muse FOUR YEAR The first offering in six years from the Ellie Goulding is an up and com- STRONG Californian stoner hip-hop troupe, ing, *yawn, artist who is, *yawn, hotly 4. Radiohead ENEMY OF THE WORLD there’s a lot you’ll find familiar about tipped... She, umm, mixes influences UNIVERSAL this latest CD. It starts slowly, with a and a unique, *yawn, voice with deep 5. Bloc Party MOTOWN couple of tracks that could have been and meaningful lyrics... *yawn... musi- ALBUM taken from almost any of their old al- cal genius... *yawn... Sound of 2010... 6. LCD Soundsystem bums, albeit this time with a bored- *yawn... excuse me for a minute... A weird mix of styles and influences, sounding Tom Morello going through 7. The xx there’s potential for this lot to be some the big-riff motions in the background. fun - but not until they work out what Still, it gets better: they still have an ear 8. Arcade Fire they want to sound like. The drummer for a tune, and tracks like Get It Any- and bassist want to be in a death metal way and K.U.S.H. will still have you 9. Bon Iver band, while the vocalist is happy turn- pulling ‘West-Side’ white-boy dance Zzzzz ing out Blink-182-style, radio friendly moves in your living room. Sure, the punk-pop. The end result is confused album’s still full of the old stoner cliché 10. Laura Marling and patchy, but good in places: think of stuff, designed solely to outrage Daily zzzzzz Well that’s all folks. Laura Marling has made a late surge and finally made it into a Bullet For My Valentine that have got Mail reading parents while delighting the joke, or a Lostprophets with a bit their 13-year-old offspring, but that the top ten, yay! I’m expecting Arcade Fire to top the charts until next year as less ego and you won’t be too far off. said it’s still pretty good fun. people play “Keep The Car Running” on constant repeat all summer. Kadhim - Duncan Casey - Duncan Casey zzzz... unionpage Union Review of the Year

It’s been a busy use of the building when students aren’t From dB’s... year at the Union, using it. We’ve had to take the diffi cult with a new decision to cut funding this year, but hope management the plans we’ve put in place for the next team, new few years will allow that to be reversed facilities, new in future. We can’t expect funding from ideas and new central government and the College plans. At the to increase, so we have to exploit our start of the year we appointed a new building and location to bring in external Dawn of Time – Operations Manager and moved into money, while ensuring that students can Summer 2009 new offi ces on the second fl oor of the use our facilities when they need them. Union building. Our amazing new spaces for student activities were all open by Although lots of work has taken place Christmas, providing additional large on commercial services and student to a building site... rooms for students to shout and beat activities, we haven’t neglected our core each other with sticks, among other club function: representation. This has always activities. been a less visible part of our work, as people only notice it when things are We hate paperwork as much as you do, going wrong for them. For the fi rst time so we’ve tried to reduce the barriers we provided training and a handbook to running activities as part of Imperial for student representatives and have College Union – we’re great with clubs documented the rep system and how it but haven’t always supported smaller works. groups of students doing good work April 2010 in the community. This is why we Although we struggled at the start introduced ‘Projects’, which are like of the year, we’ve devoted time to clubs but intended for small, short-term postgraduate representation, embarking student-run projects which benefi t on a project to identify and communicate society, whether locally, nationally or with postgraduate representatives who to concept... globally. previously received little or no assistance from us (and many we didn’t even know The paint was barely dry on Phase 2 of existed!) It’s only the start of bringing our refurbishment when Phase 3 kicked postgraduate representation to the same off, as we secured £2.4m to replace our quality as our undergraduate system. tired bars and nightclub. The feedback we’ve had about the project has come It’s not been plain sailing all the way, and from a broad range of students, and we haven’t achieved everything we set we’ve listened to it all. It’s very clear that out to do, but it’s certainly been exciting. May 2010 we won’t be able to please everyone There’s been laughter and tears along the though! I won’t be around when it opens, way, but it’s been worth it. We wish next but next year’s team will have an amazing year’s team the best of luck: there’s lots to Metric nightclub and bar. For the fi rst time in for them to be getting on with! many years students will have direct control over events which are held in their P.S: Come and say hello (or rather nightclub, with student groups invited to goodbye) to myself and the rest of the submit formal proposals and the elected Sabbatical Offi cers at the Summer Ball Ents Committee choosing which are – we’ll be enjoying the biggest line-up at accepted. Imperial in decades!

As part of our drive to spend more money on club activities and student Ashley Brown Autumn 2010 – representation, we’re developing our Union President 2009-2010 The Future conferencing brand to make maximum [email protected]

imperialcollegeunion.org Back Row, from left to right: Simon Worthington, Games Writer, Indy Leclercq, Sports Editor, Alex Kendall, Clubs & Societies Editor, Nathan Ley, Science Editor, Dan Wan, Editor-in-Chief, Samuel Gibbs, Technology Edi- tor, Alexandra Ashford, Music Editor, Kadhim Shubber, Deputy, Music & News Editor, Ravi Pall, Comment Editor, Felix the Cat, Deity, James Lees, Politics Editor, Ed Knock, Film Editor, Rhys Davies, Catnip Editor, Katie Tomlinson, Aunty McPickle, Al Norman, Alice Rowlands, News Writer, Brigette Atkins, Science Editor, Sasha Nicoletti, Copy Chief. Front Row: Chris Sim, Food Editor, Holly Farrer, Photoshop Monkey, Matthew Colvin, News Writer, Alex Karapetian, News Writer, Lizzy Griffiths, Copy Editor, Rox Middleton, Copy Editor, Luke Turner, Music Editor, Rosie Milton, Arts Editor, Caz Knight, Arts Editor, Lucy Harrold. Lying down: Carlos Ka- ringal, Photoshop Diva, Mustapher Botchway, Sports Editor

Notable Absentees: James Goldsack, Politics Editor, Katya-yani Vyas, Politics Editor, Gilead Amit, Deputy Editor, Charlotte Morris, Assistant Editor, Jovan Nedic, Assistant Editor, Sina Ataherian, Business Editor, Joanna Cai, News Writer and Copy Editor, Rachel D’oliviero, What’s On Editor, Lily Topham, What’s On Editor, Ziggi Szafranksi, What’s On Editor , David Wilson, Sports Editor, A Geek, Imperial Icon, Dylan Lowe, Travel Editor, Charles felix 2009-10 Murdoch, Coffee Break Editor, Sean Farres, Puzzles Commodore, Charlotte Morris, Assistant Editor, Kawai Wong, Fashion Editor, Saskia Verhagen, Fashion Editor, Ben Smith, Photographer, Ayyub Kamaludin, Copy Editor 20 felix FRIDAY 18 JUNE 2010

TTextext in to 07832670472 CAT-NIP Email in at [email protected] TTweetweet @felixcatnip

CAT GOT YOUR TONGUE? The Cat Speaks! ello there! And since this is the last issue, I de- GOODBYEEE... I don’t often get a chance cided to do something special. to write anything here but Introducing, the Top Ten Drunken they’ve finally decided to Mate Photos of the Year! Fanfare and (BUT KEEP SENDING US STUFF!) Hlet the cat out of the bag. applause. Each week, the inbox is Firstly, I want to say a massive crammed with exhibits of drunken JOKES, LETTERS, OPINIONS – WE WANT THEM ALL! THANK YOU to everyone who sent tomfoolery that only Imperial students something in in the past year, be it a could pull-off. The laughter rings out simple one-line text to a picture of loud and long down here in the felix of- your mates at their most wasted. felix fice as we sift through the photos. is built on student contributions and That’s all I have to say. You all have Email: [email protected] Text: 07832670472 nowhere is this more true than Catnip. a great summer now, and remember, If it weren’t for you, this page would if you happen to have one too many F a c e b o o k : F e l i x F a n P a g e Tw i t t e r : @ f e l i x c a t n i p be blank every week...and I’d be out of Pimm’s, make sure there’s a camera work. I’d have to go back to studying nearby. for my degree – and that’s a terrifying thought! Love, Catnip.

The Top Ten Drunken-Mate Photos Of The Year!! 10. 9. 8.

After a number of emails – and one police inquiry, I can A new entry this week. Oh sure, anyone can misplace their If you’re going to curl up and vom, a toilet’s the best place to confirm that that is just hand-wash. Honestly! trousers but the tiara gives this guy an edge. do it. Though, maybe not when the cleaners are in there too. 7. 6.

Some people take an extreme approach to spilled pints, and Some people say that snooker isn’t a man’s game. These guys decided to change that false perception. Stripping off, they engaged in a the prevention thereof. Don’t drop it now! deadly duel with all to play for. Now there’s nothing more manly than knocking some balls about with your long wooden cue. felix FRIDAY 18 JUNE 2010 21

TTextext in to 07832670472 CAT-NIP Email in at [email protected] TTweetweet @felixcatnip

The Top Ten Drunken-Mate Photos Of The Year!! 5. 4. 3.

The other people on the bus, the pedestrians walking below, Supposedly, this guy lost his clothes over an argument with All the best science is done in the kitchen between the hours himself; this guy is a chemical hazard to everyone around him. a taxi. Remember, always make sure you can pay the fare! of 1am and 6am. And a lack of test tubes is no problem at all! 2. ...AND AT NO.

A rare moment when our busy, busy Editor-in-Chief take a brief Catnap. I put this in because I know he hates it. Haha! Got a picture of your mate being an absolute waste of oxygen? Email your drunken mates to catnip.felix@

This is just unreal . When we first saw this, we laughed so hard it hurt. And then we tried to work just exactly what was imperial.ac.uk going on. And then we laughed even more. Congratulations, you are the No.1 Drunk Mate of the Year! Senders must have permission to use submitted photos and accept full responsibility for them 22 felix FRIDAY 18 JUNE 2010 TTechnologyechnology Editor SamuelSamuel Gibbs TECHNOLOGY [email protected] Sort your journal library Waving madly with Papers for Mac at your screen

Samuel Gibbs checks out Papers for Mac OSX and iPhone/iPad SSamuelamuel GGibbsibbs Technology Editor

nother week has flown by in the economic downturn we all still and we’ve reached the end face. Perhaps we shouldn’t have put it A of another accademic year. past Apple. It’s sheer desirability is the So, it’s with a heavy heart envy of electronics manufatures the I have to say, thanks for reading the world over. But of course Apple wasn’t technology section of felix this year. It’s done with revolutionishing the tablet been a year to remember and 2010 is computing space, oh no! The iPhone only just getting started. 4 launch is just round the corner and In the computing space we’ve had already they’re out of pre-order units. Google execs facing jail-time, as well With FaceTime and slew of other evo- as big G’s move out of China due to lutionary improvements, Apple’s Jesus censorship. We’ve had the continual phone looks likely to repeat it’s success battleground of processors move away evermore. from the Intel Vs. AMD and into the But wait, we’ve also had a massive x86 Intel Vs. the ARM SOCs realm. expansion of Android in the mobile We’ve also seen Apple unveiling the space, with HTC and Dell churning ‘revolutionary’ iPad, which caught the out some truly mind-boggling smart- world by storm selling out in the US phones. Palm also, sadly, ceased to be to the detriment of launches in the independent this year and we wait with rest of the world. Who’d have thought baited breath to see what HP has up it’s a $500 massive iPod touch would be sleeve for the father of the mobile com- Papers lets you catalogue, read and sync your journal article PDFs to your iPhone or iPad for reading on the go quite the success it has been, especially puting ecosystem.

eading peer-reviewed jour- brary of journal articles totalling into of the killer features of Papers is the library directly applies to it, you can be-all and end-all ‘iTunes for journals’ nal articles is one of the most the hundreds, how do you keep them ability to just drag and drop a PDF ar- quickly and easily create a separate and that’s a cite-while-you-write func- R crucial parts of studying sci- organised? ticle into the program and it’ll do the folder in your library and sort your tion. Papers can’t itself insert citations ence. Whether you’re an un- Endnote by Thomson Scientific is rest for you. Should the meta data in downloaded articles in there. into your word processor of choice. dergraduate trying to write a literature the current industry standard bibliog- the PDF not be good enough to iden- Perhaps the thing that sets Papers You can however export a library of review or a researcher trying to find a raphy program and it’s recently been tify a citation match, Papers will then apart from all other journal library citations to your cite-while-you-write new method, journals are the primary updated in the last few iterations to ask you to select or search from a cou- managers is the ability to sync with an engine of choice, be it Endnote or even way of sharing new information on support attaching PDFs to citations. If ple of options for the correct citation. iPhone and iPad app. Wirelessly sync- the reference manager built into Mi- research topics with both specialists you’re on a Windows PC, Endnote is Of course once you have your library ing your iDevice means you can take all crosoft Word 2008. It’s not a bad solu- and generalists. Most, if not all journal about as good as you can get, but those imported into Papers, which you can or a subset of your journal library with tion, but Papers just begs to have it’s articles are published online for down- on a Mac have a lot more choice. do from Endnote amongst others, you on the go for reading or reference. own word processor citation engine, load in PDF format ahead of their print Of course you can use Endnote on searching it with Spotlight is a breeze, Papers syncing goes both ways how- and it means you can’t just rely on Pa- debut. If you or your institution have the Mac, but it’s not a very ‘Mac-like’ by keyword, author, year or journal. ever, enabling you to search for, down- pers to get your work done. a subscription to the journal, or it’s an experience. Mekentosj’s journal library The searching doesn’t stop there as load, read and modify the meta data of If you just want to organise and read open journal like the PLOS series, then program Papers, is one great example Papers also lets you search PubMed journal articles on your iPhone then journal articles on your Mac or want you can easily find and download the of a very Mac-like and effective piece and a few other indexes directly from sync them back to your Mac. A simply to take them with you on your iPhone, article with PubMed or another peer- of software. It handles the download- the program. Organising your articles fantastic feature if you happen to be at then you can’t got far wrong with reviewed journal index. Once you’ve ing of citations and the articles asso- in Papers is also incredibly easy to do a conference and someone mentions a Papers. got the journal of course it’s a simple ciated with them, lets you view and using drag and drop to simply move great paper you should check out. Costing €29 (about £25) from Me- matter of just loading up your PDF edit the meta data of each paper, plus articles into and out of folders or col- There’s no doubt that Papers is a slick kentosj.com, Papers for Mac is also reader of choice to read it. For one ar- Papers lets you read the article both in lections. For instance if you happen and capable journal library organiser available with 40% student discount. ticle that’s fine, but imagine you read preview and full screen reading mode to have a particular project you’re re- and it has a lot of nice features, but it Papers for iOS costs £8.99 and is avail- several articles a day and end up a li- right from within the application. One searching and a subset of your journal lacks one crucial feature to make it the able from the iTunes App Store.

Weekly Wrap-up: A quick guide to the best of the rest you might have missed SSamuelamuel Technology vices, Google has added a ru- allow the cinema chain to re- tember 19th release, Move auto-updating and free full GGibbsibbs Editor dimentary video editor to it’s duce the price it pays for films uses the PlayStation Eye and a games to play, which’ll change YouTube service. While it’s though a ‘Virtual Print Free’ Move controller, which looks each month. Great for those Well this is it folks, felix is sign- no iMovie, the editor lets you deal with the studios, mean- mmotionotion senssensinging like a black Wiimote with a looking for a little bit extra ing off for the year and so it’s cut, combine and crop video ing that the cost shouldn’t be gamingi plat-l lolipop on the top. Whilst the from the already solid PSN. time to wrap-up the week’s content before upload. It’s fast, passed onto the customer. form, which was known by it’s Move and Eye can be had in a Last, but not least, we had tech news one last time. simple to use and in the cloud, The upgrade, done in partner- development name, Project pack costing $99 with Sports Nintendo with it’s latest 3D OnLive, the company that what more could you want on ship with Arts Alliance Media, Natal. It’s going to be avail- Champions, Sony’s version of iteration of the DS. Imagina- promises console quality gam- the go? iMovie on your iPhone will allow them to show sport, able come November for the Wii Sports, the Navigational tively named the 3DS, it comes ing in your browser thanks 4 perhaps? plays, opera and other alterna- rumoured price of $150, whilst controller is an extra $30. A packing an impressive glasses to the cloud, went online on Cineworld this week also an- tive content on the big screen. the 360 slim hit these shores PS3 plus Move bundle will be free 3.5” 3D widscreen, a 3D Thursday. Limited to just the nounced that it’ll be going all Gone are the days of print and on Wednesday for £199 sport- available at launch for $400. effect slider, a motion sensor, a US for now, the service costs digital projection within three reels, but is it truly better? ing a 250GB HDD and built-in Sony wasn’t done there gyro, a ‘slide pjy,pad’ joystick, two $4.95 per month with an im- years. Converting all 77 of it’s E3 had the gaming industry WiFi. thothough, they also announced cam- pressive list of titles available to cinemas across the country buzzing this week, with un- Sony, not to be out- tthatha the PSN, Sony’s free on- eras play right now, including Mass to pure digital is going to cost veils from Microsoft, Sony and done by Microsoft, llineine gaming service, is getting for 3DD Effect 2, Assassin’s Creed 2 and Cineworld in the region of £40 Nintendo taking prime spots. unleashed their take a ppaid add-on upgrade. Play- photos Dirt 2 amongst others. Not bad million, including £10m the First out of the gates was Mi- on the motion gam- StStationa Plus will cost $49 a and im-- for a service that could have chain has already pumped into crosoft showing off it’s new ing genera with the yyearea and bring with it exclusive proved easily stayed vapour-ware. upgrading a third of it’s 790 Xbox 360 (that’s the 360 ‘slim’ PlayStation Move. DLDLC and other content, early graph- Sticking with cloud ser- screens. Going digital should to you and me) and it’s ‘Kinect’ Scheduled for a Sep- aaccesscc to betas and demos, ics. felix FRIDAY 18 JUNE 2010 23 [email protected] TECHNOLOGY STOP WikiLeaks - Freedom of THE Information’s Greatest Asset PRESS Feroz Salam looks at the Whistleblower’s best friend and every government’s enemy iPhone 4G Unveiled to Stunned Press

By S. Worthington

n a surprise press conference called at Apple’s headquarters in I Cupertino, California, early on Thursday morning, Apple an- nounced that they would be releasing a new 4G version of the iPhone “before here would you go SShroudedhrouded inin secrecysecrecy ments that would otherwise be covered IIss aautomationutomation tthehe future?future? the end of July”. The announcement if you had a govern- up. The problem is that along with this came just days after the release of pre- W ment secret that you growth has come the inevitable rise in orders of the fourth generation iPhone felt needed publishing? For a website that believes in open- the number of people looking to shut This comes at a time when there model, which had broken all sales ex- Just as there’s a wiki for encyclopaedia ness and transparency, Wikileaks itself the site down and quickly. Wikileaks has been much talk about Wikileaks pectations with pre-orders selling out articles and another for dictionary en- is shrouded in secrecy. Ostensibly to hasn’t helped its cause by being exactly expanding from the central Assange- in both the US and the UK, leaving tries, you might want to try the wiki for protect the identities of the network the impartial publisher it claims to be, based system into a set of autonomous both critics and fans stunned. whistleblowers and activists, Wikile- behind the website, the only face that publishing articles from all areas of units that operate across the globe. The new phone boasts many new aks. Among its eclectic collection of has associated itself with the website the political spectrum without bias to- The purpose of such a system would be features over the iPhone 4, primar- leaks are a manual on the ‘Boomerang’ has been that of the founder, Julian wards any particular political philoso- to reduce the dependency on Assange ily a 4G modem replacing the slower method of sniper location, a descrip- Assange. Even Assange is a figure of phy. Apart from true free speech activ- and his team to maintain the website, 3G chip. Critics have claimed this is tion of FBI methods for mobile phone much mystery, a former computer ists, this has meant the site has found it while simultaneously increasing the a move to combat the increasing mo- tapping, a full list of British postcodes hacker turned activist - who, during hard to make any real allies, something amount of material they publish. Yet mentum that HTCs EVO 4G Android and a roster of BNP members. Their the incubation period of Wikileaks has they may desperately need as the site there are many risks to such a plan, and smartphone is gaining. The fun doesn’t website describes their mission as pro- been described as “frequently forget- seeks to expand its reach. it is doubtful whether Wikileaks will be stop there however, as the iPhone 4G viding ‘a multi-jurisdictional public ting to eat or sleep, writing mathemati- able to organise a secure, multinational sports a new third camera unusually service designed to protect whistle- cal formulas all over the walls and the network of Wikileaks cells. The most positioned on the top of the case to blowers, journalists and activists who doors”. A mathematics student who SSourcesources atat rriskisk obvious risk is closure and detention make the device easier to use when grew disaffected by the amount of re- by various national governments, but walking, by allowing users to watch out search being done at his college for the aside from that there’s also the ques- for obstacles in the background whilst American Department of Defence, As- The toll of maintaining and updating tion of whether Wikileak’s finances still staring down at their phone. The sange has channelled his efforts into the website is beginning to become ob- will be able to sustain expansion of any device also comes with a localised hair “Even Assange is human rights and anti-censorship vious. After three years of maintaining sort. With its greater size, there also trimmer for emergency touch-ups to movements, working on software strict secrecy about the identities of its comes the question of how they will beards and nose hair, and a glue gun a figure of much while campaigning for global privacy informants, American intelligence ser- monitor what gets published and what to facilitate the repair of plastic glass- rights. Wikileaks has been his biggest vices were able to detain an informant, doesn’t. With Assange not monitoring es. Apple said the new features were mystery, a former success to date and while the organi- Army analyst Bradley Manning. Aside everything, there will have to be some designed to appeal to the ‘core Mac sation is still struggling financially, it’s from the fact that Manning seems to method to maintain neutrality and market’, and also announced that the computer hacker maintained a steady stream of headline have been a steady source of informa- prevent political agendas from seeping release of a new app, the ‘Pretentiom- grabbing leaks that have caused uproar tion for them, this will come as a ma- into the website. eter,’ which alerts users when they’ve in the mainstream media. jor blow for Wikileaks as it will mean Wikileaks is vital for the work it does, become too mainstream. turned activist” that other informants will be much and there’s no doubt that a great repos- In a bold move, Apple announced less likely to trust the website to pro- itory of important information will be simplified pricing for the ‘revolution- TThehe tterribleerrible andand tthehe gruesomegruesome tect their identities in the face of an lost if Wikileaks were to go down for- ary’ new device, which will retail at 499 investigation, even though Manning ever. Yet, considering the nature of the regardless of what currency you’re us- have sensitive materials to communi- was turned over to the FBI by another work they are doing, it’s unfortunately ing. Purchasers in the US will obvious- cate to the public.’ For a website that The biggest of these was the recent hacker. As I write this article, there likely that it’s only a matter of time ly get a bargain at $499, compared to has little funding, Wikileaks has shown publishing of classified American mili- are reports that Wikileaks is attempt- before something happens that either the €499 in Europe and £499 in rip-off a remarkable ability to stay in the head- tary footage of a helicopter gunship ing to publish 260,000 classified cables permanently shuts the website down Britain. To maintain the price differ- lines, bragging of more scoops in its 3 firing on Iraqi civilians in cold blood, between American diplomats and of- or fundamentally alters its purpose. I ence, Apple also revealed that on top of year lifetime than the Washington Post a horrific video that only served the ficials in the Middle East, and that the hope to be proved wrong and Wikile- the carrier lock to AT&T in the US, de- has had in 30. Yet how long the website emphasise the case for Wikileaks’ ex- Pentagon has launched a manhunt to aks has shown an astonishing ability vices are now ‘region-locked’ and can will be able to survive is questionable, istence. Apart from the gruesome and detain Julian Assange before he man- to bounce back from setbacks. But in no longer be imported or brought back as it is hounded by governments and bloody, the collection of documents ages to upload the cables. The only pitting various national governments from overseas. This also means that if corporations that often come with the that Wikileaks has amassed in 3 years comment from Wikileaks on this issue against a few men with limited re- you wish to travel with an iPhone 4G, power to switch off servers, confiscate is astounding. The site offers nearly a has been on their Twitter stream sim- sources, I don’t know many who would you will have to buy one from each documents and launch major legal million articles ranging from Church ply to say that ‘it looks like we’re about bet money on Wikileaks surviving out region, or in some cases country, that battles - weighty financial burdens on of Scientology manuals to the guide to be attacked by everything the US the year you intend to visit. More details of the a site that survives largely on dona- for standard operating procedures at has’ and ‘Any signs of unacceptable be- new model are expected to emerge af- tions and awards from human rights Guantanamo Bay and therefore has be- haviour by the Pentagon towards this Check out what all the commotion ter the Electronic Entertainment Expo activists. come an invaluable collection of docu- press will be viewed dimly’. is for yourself at WikiLeaks.org (E3) in the coming weeks. ;) 24 felix FRIDAY 18 JUNE 2010

((W(We’vee’ve ggoneone greengreeen forfoor GreenGrGreeeen Week,WWeekek, HHangmanPPuttinguttinga thetthhen catcat outougt totom drydry an nonott that we weren’twewereren’n t greengrgreeen before...)beb fore...).) [email protected] Hangman interviews... Hangman (himself)

it and Miss; My mantra, Hangman: Hi hangman. writing it. Hangman: How do you go about Hangman: Do you worry about of- my motto, my excuse for writing an article? fending people? tactless jokes. The great Hangman: You don’t have to say hi, Hangman: Which was your favourite H thing about writing be- that’s just stupid. I thought we agreed article you wrote this year? Hangman: I try to write dark high- Hangman: I don’t set out to offend peo- hind a veil of anonym- you wouldn’t do this. You’re embarrass- brow satire and then realise that I ple unless they’ve annoyed me. I try not ity is that I receive direct uncensored ing me Hangman: The Hitler interview be- can’t. I look at the blank canvas on the to be crude and tasteless unless I feel feedback about my articles. If there’s cause only I found it funny. I wrote it in computer screen and think, ‘this has so it’s a necessity. While I try to remain one thing I’ve realised it’s that I simply Hangman: Do you enjoy writing the style of a Celebrity interview from much potential’, then ruin it. Imagine facetious, it sometimes just appears cannot please everyone. One person’s hangman? a magazine. first seeing your unborn child on an flippant. I have to sit down and think, cup of tea is another person’s cup of It was meant to be picking on celeb- ultra-sound screen and imagining all how can I make people laugh? It’s not coffee - and they hate coffee. Probably Hangman: No. It’s about as enjoyable rities, but people just saw the name the great things he’s going achieve in like writing a review of a film or a play, one of those take-away coffees with the as walking, and I don’t have the use of Hitler and went, ‘Ooooooh, jews, holo- life, then the doctor comes in and tells my one job is to make people laugh tiny drinking holes in the lid. You can’t my legs. Well I have the use of my legs, caust, that’s not cool etc’. I should point you it’s a girl. and it’s a lot harder than people give it sip, you can’t tentatively test the tem- but pretending that I don’t gets me a free out that his album, Wrong Turnz went credit for. A funny image or conversa- perature with your tongue, you have seat on the bus and the high-ground over platinum in America last month and Hangman: How many complaints tion sometimes just can’t be translated no choice but to just go for it - AAAH those fucking lazy pensioners who can’t he’s currently working on a song with have you had? to paper. If I worried about offending JESUS F***ING MOTHERF***ING stand up. They shouldn’t be getting on a Lady Gaga called ‘ Rumourz hurt’. people, I wouldn’t get anything writ- JESUS F***************C******** MY bus if they can’t stand up. Hangman: To my disappointment, only ten. I stay away from Jew jokes though TONGUE! WHO DETHIGNED Hangman: Do you admire any of three. One about the Beginner’s guide because I’m scared of Gilead....he’s Jew- THETHE LIDTHS? - one of those Hangman: Could anyone write your fellow felix editors? to the working class, one about the car- ish.....or Palistinian.....one of them coffees. hangman? toon of Jesus on a Cross, and my refer- I guess I could always use the Hangman: I don’t so much admire, but ence to the Cumbria shootings in Twat- Hangman: Will you be continuing Marmite analogy, but after Jade Goody Hangman: Anyone with hands and a fear Gilead Amit. When he looks at you ter. No fatwas yet. hangman next year? described herself as Marmite, soiling basic grasp of the Engloosh language. in the eye, your brain feels like it’s melt- the brand and my favourite toast top- Actually just anyone with hands. You ing from inferiority. When trying to en- Hangman: Do you think you crossed Hangman: Sadly not because I’m not ping, I decided I could never use the know what, you could probably just gage in an intellectual discussion with any lines? going to be here. I may be able to con- word again. Fucking bitch bash your head on the keyboard. him, I might as well just stick my tongue tinue Twatter by email, which is the Anyway, seeing as it’s the final issue, out, drool and flap my arms about. Hangman: Osama crossed some lines, only thing people read anyway. I guess I thought I would do the good egotis- Hangman: Do you think anyone is but then he’s the founding leader of Al- this is my tearful goodbye....I’m meant tical thing of interviewing myself. It’s reading this interview? Hangman: And the others? Qaeda so what do people expect? I’m to say something like I’ll miss everyone probably because I find myself more morally devoid, so I don’t believe in and that it’s been a pleasure.....I won’t interesting than any of you. Hangman: No. I’m already bored of Hangman: All just trying to be Gilead. lines. and it hasn’t. FELIX Editors Encourage Newcomers!

Ed Knock, Awesome Film Editor Gilead Amit, Deputy Editor Dan Wan, Proper Editor Kadhim Shubber, the next Editor

‘Watching a film is like gazing through a win- ‘I’m not playing God; I’ve already played God, “ It’s been a pleasure to work with me and I’m “When people look at me they see a tall gangly dow into your own soul’ And I won!’ confident that I’m passing the torch on to a Iraqi in slim fit trousers and a bow-tie, but I’m guy that will most likely drop it or blow it out” actually a - Oh no, that’s fine” “ Hey I’m Ed Knock the Awesome Film Editor. I “Ahh, bathe in my glorious deep ethereal tones actually put the ‘Awesome’ in there myself, but and regard me in awe! Hold thy tongue, for I, “Felix next year will be a fun and welcoming en- ၲ૯ vironment. I work on a strict, but fun deadlineڄI’ve always been known for my outlandish ways Gilead Amit, would converse with some jibber- “ӍʿࣅӇέщӁϷ׻ദܾ and I think it makes me look edgy. ing flailing retard before practising the noble art ̟໳é௠ݵʿ঻૊֌Ϛέщશٜ policy and need all articles into the office by I’m not really known for who I am, but for of discourse with thou! Monday 4.00 AM. If you miss this deadline then what I do - and that’s write!!!!!!!! You probably Harrumph! The sheer notion of literary neo- ʓçનգԅЉϚ˙୥Ꮓ༃ేণéᄺ I won’t be angry, I’ll just be slightly annoyed, but read my film reviews and think, ‘I’ll never be able phytes uniting with Felix veterans such as my- ʪ˾અၣӉᚺ௕έщၲ૯̟໳৾ሏ in a fun sort of way.I’ll be using the Guardian- ԇॐၰ approved Smiley Face Chart™ and will awardڄto write like this’ or ‘he’s so incredibly insightful; self, Gilead Amit, piques and repulses me to the Щѕ̳ቆዱéӍ݃бჟӍ I would never have made that connection be- brink of a volatile fireworks performance, host- ᅭ᎝୕Ĭ a smiley face for every article handed in by the tween The Nutty Professor 2 and the Chadian- ed by my own gizzard, gullet and mouth! deadline. Ten smiley faces and you win the cov- Libyan conflict,’ but you can because I believe in Oh and on another note, just because you eted Guardian-approved Kit Kat Chunky. Spell- you. You see I don’t just write, I believe! can’t find a real fucking root for negative one, Which roughly translates to English as, ing/grammatical errors, lack of enthusiasm, loss I’ve taken my fans on an emotional journey doesn’t mean I, Gilead Fucking Amit, can’t; And “I hope dat Hang-a-man does not resorta to of name badges, use of the name ‘Voldemort’, fat of self-discovery, whilst instilling my boundless no I’m not going to have a fucking coffee with preurile jokes abouta my Chinese Heritage or thighs, or derogatory comments about the Smi- knowledge of film. Come down to Felix next you weird thirteen-year old girls and Fuck you usesay Jackie Chan as my photo because it’s da ley Face Chart™ will earn you a sad face. Three year and try to do the same thing! I believe!’’ Emmanuel College, seriously, FUCK YOU!!!!!!! onry Chinese persons dat he know. “ sad faces and you’re out, but in a fun way :). felix FRIDAY 18 JUNE 2010 25

50 things to do with your final issue of Felix. Yeah that’s right Dan Wan, I’ve continued the headline into the subheading. What you going to do about it?

1 - Throw your Felix into a bottle bank, 8 - You discover that your Felix is preg- 15 - Throw your Felix at a pigeon despite is sitting next to a bin desig- nant and that the fetus has Down’s syn- nated to newspapers and shout, ‘FUCK drome. You demand an abortion 16 - bury the pigeon in the garden next to YOU RECYCLING BINS! I WORK FOR the Felix, neighbours who wouldn’t keep TTWATTERWATTER NOBODY!’ 9 - Your Felix refused abortion because their fucking mouth shut. its Catholic SexyOsama69 2 - Throw your newspaper at an aero- 17 - Roll your Felix up and make your own Hey guyz I’m bak! I’ve been unbanned. No plane, knock it out the sky and shout, 10 - Smother your Felix with a pillow vuvuzela ‘FUCK YOU AREOPLANE I WORK FOR and sob, ‘IT’S THE ONLY WAY! IT’S THE more insensitive comments from me :p Except - Oh shit it’s way too high’ ONLY WAAAAYYYY!’ 18 - Roll your Felix up and beat the you Obie you black c**t shit into the guy with the home-made 3 - Sellotape your Felix into a dress and 11 - Bury your Felix in the Garden and vuvuzela The_Cleggomatortrontown <3 wear it to the Summer ball. Tell people it’s shout at the neighbours, ‘WHAT YOU Osie that was a totally unjustified racist remark! the latest Vivienne Westwood. LOOKING AT!? YOU’VE SEEN NOTH- 19 - Burn your Felix in attempt get high ING OK!? NOTHING!’ off the fumes You can’t just go around doint that! It’s not fun- 4 - Sellotape Vivienne Westwood into a ny and certainly not clever! dress and wear it to the Summer ball. Tell 12 - Send a complaint to Hangman re- 20 - Cover your Felix in glue, aerosol and people it’s the latest Vivienne Weswood. garding an callous joke towards babies paint and then burn it in attempt to get Cameron_DA_Maneron!!! with Down’s syndrome high of the fumes Oh here we go again...WA WA WAAAA 5 - Tell your Christmas tree that you’re leaving it for your Felix 13 - Hangman states that he was merely 21 - Cover your Felix in glue, aerosol, making his readership aware of the paint; burn it and then inject yourself 6 - Have passionate and fiery break-up shocking abortion rates for fetuses di- with heroine. Ahhh yeah this Felix is get- sex with your Christmas tree agnosed with Down’s Syndrome. 90% of ting me so fucking high SUPERACEGORTHEROAR87 UK women opt for termination Get ur umbrellas out coz Cleggman is pissin on 7 - Send guilt-ridden texts to your Felix 22 - Make a hat out of it and run around and then cry over the phone telling it that 14 - Send an apology to Hangman for campus pretending to be a pirate. our parade. Oh and @Obie: Nice one on the oil you don’t deserve its love. You then have missing the ethical subtext to an appar- lololololololol passionate unprotected guilt-sex. ently crass and unprovoked jest. 23. Read it? HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA Barack_attack_l33thaxor WTF Osie!? Totally unjustified racist remark! Hey guyz guess hu dat was! It was Cleggman! THE NEWS WITHOUT THE NEWS Get a sense of humour Cleggman Oh and @ Gor: lolololololololololololol SexyOsama69 The other day I waz playin Robot unicorn at- China sends volunteers in aid of making tack and was bout to beat Obie’s top score so he heartfelt farewell to Felix Editor look unforced headbutted my laptop. He’s a c**t Cameron_DA_Maneron!!! And on Left 4 Dead he keeps shootin me in the back and blamin it on the zombies. Obie is a c**t and just so happens to be black. The_Cleggomatortrontown <3 Oh well in that case I guess I can just call Osie a terrorist arab asshole

SUPERACEGORTHEROAR87 Wow...Just wow....wasn’t expectin that “What are you guys doing? I Barack_attack_l33thaxor totally wasn’t Jesus Christ Cleggman! WTF!? I mean srsly expecting this wtf!? You can’t just go around sayin shit like dat! Dude ur fucked up and didn’t co- ordinate any of it” SexyOsama69 See this is just da sorta intolerent attitudes I hav to deal with every day from white westerners. Dan Wan 2010 And ppl call ME the bad guy. 26 felix FRIDAY 18 JUNE 2010

Food Editors Chris Sim & Holly Cumbers FOOD [email protected] felix’s 2009/2010 Restaurant Awards After one year’s worth of unadulterated eating, Chris Sim has decided on his favourite London-based eateries

Mediterranean/Organic: Jak’s, Thai (Traditional Dishes): Thai French: La Ratatouille, near near South Ken station. I love the Taste, Cromwell Road. Classics Baker Street station. See above/ food, the concept, the ambience, like pad thai and papaya salad, opposite.. the location. Not the cheapest grilled chicken and sticky rice but competitive when compared (kao mun som tam kai yang) are to Carluccio’s, Strada et al. excellent.

Thai (Modern): Addie’s Thai Italian: Da Mario, Gloucester Modern European: Patterson’s, Café, Earl’s Court. Try their Road. Sublime pasta dishes. Not near Oxford Circus station. Bit specials, especially their grilled the cheapest, but I’d say it’s worth pricey for students, so save it for neck-end pork, and for a it. a special date or occasion. Great refreshing hit, their Milky Way rack of lamb, even better desserts. Iced Tea.

Vietnamese: Song Que Café, Dim Sum: Imperial China, Lisle Shoreditch. Quite far from uni, Pub: Queen’s Arms: I’m not a Street (parallel to Gerrard St). and you’ll need a reservation, but gastropub expert, but the English Quality dim sum, especially their believe me, this place is worth grub here is pretty sound. taro croquette and cha siu bao it. Best pho in London, without (roast pork bun). Relaxed and question. Also great banh xeo refined ambience. (crispy crepe with prawns and chicken, accompanied by herbs and dipping sauce, nuoc cham).

Sushi: Yoshi Sushi, near Malaysian: Satay House, near Indian: Simply Indian, near Ravenscourt Park station. Nobu- Edgware Road Station. As the Borough station. Perhaps it’s a quality sushi at a fraction of the name suggests, divine satay. surprise inclusion, but it is my price. Generally good Malay dishes, local, and their South Indian including their Beef Rendang. dishes are quite stellar.

Iranian: Behesht, near Kensal Green station. Ok, it’s quite far Turkish: Kazan City, near Korean: Arang, near Piccadilly from the realm of South Ken, but Liverpool St Station. Quality Circus Station. Great food, more than worth the journey grilled meats. Entertaining front impeccable service. See opposite. for the intriguingly beautiful of house. Surprisingly good restaurant, grilled baby lamb fillet desserts, especially their baklava and naan (is this the best naan with home-made rose ice cream. I’ve ever tried?).

Cantonese: Four Seasons, American/Ribs: Chicago Rib Mexican: Chez Lalee, Kingston. Bayswater. Top quality roast Shack, Knightsbridge. Not the Again outside of the jurisdiction duck. So good, it’s addictive. cheapest, but worth it for their of our college, but if you’re really baby back ribs, and also for a look craving chilli con carne, this is at their onion loaf. where you’ll want to go. felix FRIDAY 18 JUNE 2010 27 [email protected] FOOD Restaurant Review: La Ratatouille Despite trying pretty hard, Chris Sim could hardly find fault with the produce of this French establishment

here are just some days standard of the latter, which oozed with and raspberry vacherin with red berries when your body and pal- unctuous seafood notes, the origin of sauce had all the right elements of a sum- ate yearn for some qual- which was no doubt from the shells of mer dessert: sweet, light and cooling, with ity grub derived from our prawns and lobsters. This light soup, ac- the tartness of the berries balanced by the neighbours from across the companied by some crispily toasted crou- soothing vanilla ice cream aided by the Channel.T This kind of day involves the tons and grated cheese, made for the per- crunch of meringue fingers. This was the consumption of well conceived, rich fect commencement to our meal. perfect complement to an indulgent plum and most of all scrumptious dishes, Having had a brief rest from the con- and almond tart with crème anglaise, which, in my opinion, should not be sumption of the entrees, the mains ar- whose plums were juicy and plump, pas- eaten too often. For me, these days don’t rived on time. We decided to opt for the try was baked to perfection and whose al- occur to often; my palate is slightly bi- balance of a light fish dish, whole roasted mond filling was as close to velvet as one ased towards lighter Asian cuisines, but seabass with tomato and basil, and a could hope for. when these days occur, they happen in heavy meat concoction, braised lamb Despite a slight delay in the arrival of a big way. I go for the richest, heaviest, shank with mashed potato, sundried to- the starters, the overall level of service most tummy-tantalising grub I can get mato and garlic confit. The former was was excellent, with all the food arriving my hands on. So on one such day I de- easy one the eye, and easy on the palate piping hot. The portion sizes were fair cided to indulge most of my senses at La too, with the unspectacular yet clean to- for the price, with starters setting you Ratatouille, a little restaurant situated mato and basil flavours enhancing rather back around £5-6, mains around £13-16 a stone’s throw away from Baker Street than overpowering the subtle tones ema- and desserts around £4-5, which, con- station. As you enter, its traditional nating from the fresh sea-dweller. Au sidering the quality of the gastronomic French façade complete with wooden contraire, the lamb shank was uber-rich, creations, generates value to such an chairs and tables, alfresco dining area and comprised delicately soft meat falling extent that in my opinion, you’ll be and pleasant music make for an unpre- off the bone, sublimely smooth mashed hard pressed to find at many other mid- tentious, slightly homely atmosphere potato and unctuously rich gravy packed ranged French eateries. And it gets bet- in which to dine. Alas this place not with lambby and rosemary-derived over- ter, for us students are eligible for a 10% only has the ambience for a quality din- tones, punctured by the occasional sweet- discount when dining at this quality ing experience, it also has the food to ness of sundried tomato and mellowness establishment. match. of the roasted garlic. We partnered these The menu is not overly extensive, yet dishes with the creation which gave the is filled with the right number of French restaurant its name. Not overly sweet, classics as well as twists on the said which this rendition of ratatouille hit all the can keep you mulling over your choices right spots; well cooked vegetable compo- Food: 9.25 for a wee while. For starters, myself and nents brought together by a rich tomatoey Value: 8.0 a fellow diner elected to opt for an onion reduction. soup and a Mediterranean seafood soup. Despite our stomachs approaching Service: 8.0 The former embodied the classic sweet their fill, the delights that are French des- and salty flavours of this Gallic soup dish, serts were too tempting to miss out on. Ambience: 8.0 and was topped off with croutons and an And without doubt, La Ratatouille lived overly-generous layer of grilled cheese. up to the billing in this department. A re- Overall: 8.5/10 Pretty good stuff, but not quite up to the juvenatingly refreshing vanilla ice cream La Ratatouille’s simple yet classy interior adds to the gastronomic experience Finding the best Korean eateries that this town has to offer Chris Sim definitely enjoyed this challenging quest, and here are the winners which are worthy of your custom

t has taken me all year, but I lishments. Another cow-derived dish think I’ve decided once and for is their galbi (beef short ribs), again all. My two favourite Korean marinated in a sesame and soybased restaurants, from very, very dif- sauce, but whose meat firmer than ferent categories. The former that of bulgogi yet is divinely richer in Iis superior for a less hastily gobbled, meaty notes. And don’t worry about more formal eating occasion; whereas leaving with that barbeque smell en- the latter is great for a quick lunch. grained in your hair, for an extractor- The former in my opinion has risen to fan type device more than adequately take the mantle of London’s best Ko- deals with those aromatic odours. rean restaurant, whereas the latter has Korean food lovers out there should always held a special place in the hearts of course be able to name the latter, of Asian students throughout this city. it is, of course, that little restaurant You might be able to guess the title of with an everpresent queue of Asian the former, especially if I informed you students standing outside, Assa. Its that it took that aforementioned crown charmingly overcrowded feel, espe- away from Ran recently. I am talking cially when seated close to the kitchen about Arang, one of the more pricey steaming with heavenly aromas, gives establishments whose higher charges it a slightly homely touch. Service is definitely are justified by the quality brisk, and top quality, simple one dish of the cuisine, impeccable service and Beef bulgogi (barbequed beef), probably Korea’s second most famous dish meals are incredibly moreish. Take for classy ambience created by modern example their pork and vegetables in Korean décor and spacious seating ar- spicy sauce with rice, so simple, but rangements. And not to mention com- (rice dough sticks with fish cake in a tly sweet chilli sauce, with a few back- being composed of high quality beef. packed full of flavour and is a truly plimentary kimchi and beansprout sweet and spicy sauce). The former ground notes to the tune of seafood, is For mains, a traditional Korean bar- moreish treat. Their hotpots (vari- cold side dishes, which provide the had a crisp exterior, soft batter interior one dish to really get your tastebuds beque should definitely be on any din- ety of meat, seafood or vegetables in a perfect method to get your stomach with interludes of crunchy kimchi and racing. At this point I’d recommend er’s wishlist when visiting Arang. Their spicy broth) are also tasty, though not acid going. onion, brought together by a slightly trying some more exciting starters, beef bulgogi is not just packed with altogether suitable for those whose But now down to business. Their sweetened soy dipping sauce. The lat- such as yukhwe, raw beef strips with sesame overtones, it comes accompa- gastro-intestinal tract is slightly chilli starters are generally of high quality, ter consisting of not-too-heavy rice pear, egg yolk and sesame seeds. This nied with spring onions and wrap it in averse. Other dishes that are worth a of particular note were their kimchi- sticks and richly flavoured fish cakes, is a delightfully light and sweet dish, lettuce, a more authentic touch not of- try are yukejung (spicy beef soup) and chun (kimchi pancake) and dokbokki married by a wonderfully spicy yet sub- yet with the salivating satisfaction of ten seen at Arang’s counterpart estab- their kimchicun. DON’T MISS THESE FANTASTIC ACTS!

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For more information and to buy tickets: imperialcollegeunion.org/ball TOMORROW!

GET YOUR TICKET BEFORE 12PM ON SATURDAY TO AVOID THE QUEUES

Tickets cost £45. Buy them: – online: imperialcollegeunion.org/ball – in the Union Shop on Sherfi eld Walkway (on Friday only) – from behind the bar in daVinci’s or The Union Bar – on the door (limited supply, so buy now to avoid disappointment!)

Doors open at 17.00 for diners, 18.45 for Entertainments ticket holders Remember to bring your swipe card on the night for entry into the Ball! 30 felix FRIDAY 18 JUNE 2010

CCoffeeoffee BreakBreak EditorEditor CCharlieharlie MMurdochurdoch mmmm COFFEE mm..... BREAK [email protected]

dents to host their own club nights. To further that I saw a post on the phase Wordpath 1,466 3 blog which said the new bar looked ‘like a place you might get kicked out How to play: IntoI the of if you were hammered.’ The fact that Make a path from the origin word to the destination we don’t is a testament of the Union’s ORIGIN: word by taking steps between words using one of the view that it’s a place where people will three following methods: ttwiglight zone start to learn their limits. They’d much rather people ascertain said limits in L A S T Letter Substitution: Substitute just one letter. CharlieChar Murdoch Coffee Break Editor a safe environment, where if they do e.g. WORDS -> WARD fuck up, then they won’t end up with DESTINATION: Anagram: Rearrange the letters. the Police. That’s just the bars, I’m e.g. WARD -> DRAW not starting with the clubs or support Wordslide: Replace the current word with a new 4 o it all comes to this, my ultimate respect of adoring freshers. on offer. I think I’m wandering, in a P A T H letter word from any 5+ letter word that contains last column of my last felix. It is up to you to ensure that the new nutshell, don’t blight the vision of the them both. And am I sad? A touch. Am batch of freshers are welcomed in the freshers. Solution 1465 e.g. DRAW-> WING (via DRAWING) S I happy to be leaving? Like- way that you wish to have been. You do People always say that ‘it just seems No consecutive steps may be made by the same method. wise, a touch. Spending four need to set an example. I myself only like yesterday...’ and unfortunately, it’s No valid solution was e.g. WORD -> WARD (by LS) -> WARE (by LS) years at Imperial College has been stayed at Imperial in my first year due no different for me. I remember the submitted for last would be invalid. hard; constant deadlines and woven to the Hockey Club, and particularly Saturday I arrived, just as well as I re- week’s puzzle; NICE carefully with exams, at points, can get to my hall senior Richard Bacon of the member the following day, sitting in -> BEER. Earliest, SHORTEST, valid path between the you down. But the friendships created, quote, ‘university is about wrecking A&E with blood pouring from my head two words wins. Dubious words will be checked and times spend exploring new expe- your body for four years and spend- due to my poor ice skating technique. against the OED. Solutions may be submitted for riences vastly outweigh any negatives. ing the rest of your life recovering.’ I Enjoy your time here, it will pass you by. confirmation (see FUCWIT section for details). University is supposed to be hard- and concur. I hated my course, but had a In my final few words, I want to talk we’re at one of the best establishments great time in the bar. True I was prone about friendships. University is a try- in the country. Anyone who says that to vomiting, falling asleep on Hux- ing time, and at times you need your they hate Imperial and wish they never ley stairs and generally being a bit of mates to give you the helping hand you came are simply looking in the wrong a mess, but that was then. Now I look so desire. You’ll meet many new peo- ffelixelix “I’m surprised you didn’t impound place. My university career has been at the freshers getting over excited and ple, and simultaneously, you’ll grow felix- you impounded something else.” spent constantly attempting different just think ‘they’ll tire out soon.’ But distant to some. The precious few will LLoveove Wheyy things, that once graduated, I’ll never that is the fixation of the Union, peo- remain, the ones which you spent the sstrucktruck have the opportunity to do again. I’ve ple say that it’s shit- these people are best part of your social time with, and “Danny has just left with Alrac.” done everything, in my mind, I’m complete fucking morons. Now that the ones who feature most heavily in Nice done, I’m off. There’s no point walking may just be my view, but the things we your stories. I write this, not with a tear over the same old ground. are allowed to do and get away with in my eye, but a definite sadness as I “So is she really that foreign? She is I wish I had something chic or mo- make it a very special place. You must realise that I will be leaving behind so bang tidy see her uta.” tivational to say, but all I want you to remember that the Union is run by stu- many classmates that I’ve relied upon. Green Card take home is that your university is dents- they know what you want, they Some new, some old, but all I want to what you make of it. Many of you will are one of you! The Union is there to see again. I think that’s the same for “Give her one for Gaelic.” be moving on into your second or third allow students to have fun doing what all grandaunts, and hopefully you. So 07726 799 424 FAO Danny years- second years will no longer be they want- look at the new entertain- Banter Squad, Chaps Club, Hockey the freshers, and third years will have ments committee, set up to allow stu- Club and the RSM- laters boys. Pint?

Alfred Lord Tennyson’s: “It’s better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all.” Quote of the Week

Winners: Solutions 1,464 and 1,465 Wordoku - Sheryl Slitherlink - Sheryl This is aMAZEing... - Sheryl 3 Musical Dingbats - Matthew Colvin Ah, the final issue at last and it’s all S O T R A F E N P The Polygon of Fun - No submission over. I will be let out of the felix office A R N T P E S F O 2 2 1 3312 See FUCWIT League Table for the final totals! after this issue is distributed and will 2 3 2 3 3 learn what ‘sun’ means. I do not yet E P F O S N A T R know whether or not I will return next R F E S T A O P N 2 1 2 year but it has been fun making puz- 312 2 0 2 zles for you guys and chatting to those O T S N E P R A F of you who were talkative in your sub- N A P F R O T S E 3 3 1 2 mission emails. To keep my promise, I 2 2 0 2 have returned Nonogram for you this P S R E N T F O A week. Have a good holiday everyone! T N O A F R P E S 3 2 2 2 2 Puzzle Captain F E A P O S N R T 3 2 1 322 2 1 3

Solutions to ‘Wordoku’ (top left), ‘Slitherink’ (top right), ‘This Some upside-down is...aMAZEing’ (left), ‘Musical solutions! Just in case you Dingbats’ (right) and some of the missed these last week and acceptable words to ‘The Polygon wanted another chance to of Fun’ puzzle (below), we make no do them (and because I claim of completeness of this list! haven’t done the upside down solution thing yet)! peer, pees, pens, pent, pert,

pest, pets, reps, seep, sept,

spet, step, neeps, neper, peens, Believin, Stop Don’t

peers, pents, perse, preen, prest, Glee) (not Journey

speer, spent, spree, steep, strep, Makeup... Demographic Bad Romance Bad

nepers, pester, preens, preset, (obviously) Gaga Lady repent, present, repents, serpent. Gaga... Lady does How felix FRIDAY 18 JUNE 2010 31 [email protected] COFFEE BREAK LOLcatz So this is it. The final felix of The best of this academic year. And the FUCWIT big news is the free iPods, League Table and who won what! ‘Oh my fucking God I can’t wait’ I TTeams:eams: hear you cry. Well look to the left and you can see the final Harry Potter Trio 284 Points scores. Yes Sheryl you are a WINNER, and Harry Potter The Tough Brets 215 Points Trio YOU TOO. I know, men- tal. Come to felix office to The Cool Kids and Fergal 40 Points ask about those iPod nanos! No points available for this Individuals:Individuals: issue’s puzzles but you can still submit your solutions for Sheryl 276 Points confirmation up until midday Matthew Colvin 266 Points next Friday. Go crazy. Submissions go to: GLT 158 Points [email protected]

1 Nonogram 1,466 1 1 1 1 1 2 2 2 1 1 1 1 4 1 4 1 1 4 1 7 1 1 1 1 1 1 2 1 1 1 3 How to play: 1 3 1 1 1 1 1 1 1 4 1 1 2 2 1 1 1 1 1 3 1 1 4 1 5 The numbers at the side represent the size and 1 1 1 3 1 5 2 6 1 1 3 5 1 3 3 5 5 5 6 7 8 1 2 1 2 order of blocks in each column and row. There must be at least one space between each block. 4 1 1 1 1 3 6 e.g. 3 5 (in a row 10 cells long) could mean: 1 1 1 1 1 1 5 6 1 1 1 1 1 1 or 1 1 1 1 1 1 2 or 1 1 1 1 1 3 1

Hence it is immediately determinable that the 1 1 1 2 1 1 1 following cells can be shaded: 1 1 1 1 13 1 1 1 1 In a similar manner it is possible to identify definite spaces (here represented as Os). 1 1 1 1 3 2 1 1 O

As you may have noticed some shaded cells and 1 1 1 1 1 3 1 1 definite spaces have been provided for you in the grid. These particular cells have 180degree 1 1 1 3 6 1 symmetry with other cells in the grid. However the 1 1 1 1 7 complete solution does not, so it’s recommended O you fill in the corresponding cells before you begin. 1 1 1 1 8 1 Solution image designed by an anonymous 1 1 1 1 8 1 1 contributor and nonogrammed by the Puzzle Captain. Solutions can be submitted for 2 1 1 1 8 1 1 confirmation until midday next Friday. Relic 1,466 Slitherlink 1,466

To the right is a puzzle designed by Yesterday, I met five members of the orchestra in the bar, and How to play: 1983/1984 felix’s very own Puzzle God spoke to them for quite a while. When I got home, my memory, for The numbers in 13 32 (not actual title), Ulysses. some reason, was a bit hazy. the cells represent 1 I met them again today. how many lines 1 0 3 Below is a puzzle that was submitted to ‘Would I be right if I said that John plays the trombone, Katy plays surround it. Draw him by a maths fresher, Neil Thornton, the violin, Louise plays the oboe, Mike plays the clarinet and Nigel a single continuous 0 2 2 in the subsequent issue. plays the cello?’ line in the grid ‘No,’ they said, ‘but you’ve remembered our names correctly, and that satisfies all 1 3 223 2 our instruments.’ the numbers, does x x 8 x x ‘In that case, would I be right if I said that John plays the violin, not cross itself and 3 2 3 Katy plays the oboe, Louise plays the clarinet, Mike plays the forms a closed loop. x x x ) x x x x x x x x trombone and Nigel plays the cello?’ 111 212 x x x ‘That’s closer, but not right.’ Beginner Tips: ‘Would I be right if I said that John plays the oboe, Katy plays the Every node may 1 2 3 x x x x cello, Louise plays the clarinet, Mike plays the violin and Nigel only have 0 or 2 x x x plays the trombone?’ lines connecting 222 2 2 That’s closer still, but not right. Louise doesn’t play the clarinet or to it (it’s part of x x x x the cello.’ the loop or it isn’t). 1 1 222 2 x x x x Place a small mark Who plays what? between nodes that 1 1 1 3 3 cannot connect. 32 felix FRIDAY 18 JUNE 2010 COFFEE BREAK [email protected] A quickie (crossword) 1,466

1 2 2 3 4 4 5 5 6 6 7 ACROSS 21 Meatcut - Human “junk” area (4)

7 7 1st man on the moon (if you Well done to the winner of the final fe- believe in that sort of thing) (4,9) lix crossword this year. Sheryl you’ve 8 Most famous nerd (8) done us proud, and whilst there may Solution 1465 8 10 9 Candlecord (4) have been 50 points on offer, I may 10 Corpse (7) have been a little enthusiastic. There W S K I S U 8 10 9 12 Vigour - Balljuice (5) are no longer 50 points on offer, but W H E T T I N G S T O N E 14 Overcharge - Pierce - Infuriating well done to all for managing to write O R N L R D geordie “rock god” (5) in. I hope you’ve enjoyed the cross- J A L E P E N O O V E N 12 N T O K R 16 Principle governing the words this year. B A N D A I D F E C A L likelihood of things going to pot. C C C G 10 11 12 (4,3) My thanks go to Peter Logg for his C I S S Y M A G P I E S 19 Some - Small part (1,3) time spent compiling them and to the D U B T R 15 14 13 17 20 The gob (8) puzzles Captain Sean Farres for all his C H O P O F F P I S T E 22 Charitable - Humanitarian (13) hard work with the remainder of the E I O I O I puzzles. Job well done lads and I hope C A R N A B Y S T R E E T 14 15 16 17 you carry on. D E E Y H Y R DOWN 20 18 21 22 1 Half Scribble box 19 20 21 2 4th matterstate (6) 3 Wallplant - Perve (7) 4 The answer is “using” (5) 24 24 25 5 Mature (4,2) 6 Monster snake (8) 22 11 Teutonic superhighway (8) 13 Lazy (4-3) 15 Stinging plant (6) 26 17 Fishgroup (6) 18 British pastry (5) felix-o-scopes: Horoscopes, now with 100% more cat! For those who rather fail their degrees whilst writing for/reading a pointless newspaper full of stupid cat puns

Aquarius Taurus Leo Scorpio

You’re at a theme You take a girl back When I was a boy, Yeh, yeh, so people park, having a wild to yours for dinner. I asked my mother: think you got into a time on all the rides. Afterwards, you’re What will I be? Will I fight, got the Gaelic In fact, the big roller-  just laughing in the  be Watford or Luton  football team to finish  coaster goes so fast kichen over a bottle Town? This is what she your business. Well, it that you feel yourself of wine. Suddenly, said to me: didn’t happen that way, getting aroused. You finish the job and orgasm, the passion overtakes you and you start spoon- Go wash your mouth out son, and get your father’s did it? The guy you got confrontational with was appropriately, at the top of the ride. You think you’ve ing like mad, with even some gentle forking. As gun, and SHOOT some LUTON SCUM! SHOOT that much a dick he managed to piss off more got away with it but your cum-face is plastered all you get out your meat-knife, she stops you and some LUTON SCUM! WE HATE LUTON! WE than just one person that night. He is a mega dick, over the souvenir photo stand. It looks like Piers asks, “Can we stop playing with the cutlery and HATE LUTON! WE HATE LUTON! WE HATE though. Rumours have it he was twatted by some Morgan. just have sex?” LUTON! ginger bird too.

Pisces Gemini Virgo Sagittarius You’re at a picnic and someone offers you It’s time to move out It’s the end of the year, All your friends are some salad. You refuse, of halls and you’re and you’re reading graduating without you, muttering, “It’s rabbit frantically looking for the last issue of felix. Look at them in their feed. I need real food!”  a place. You consider You’re graduating, gowns, thinking they’re  Just then, the ground Watford but that’s not and you’re not sure all that. A cut above, begins to shake as a really London now is how you’re going blah blah. A cut above giant-monster-rabbit appears. You timidly offer it? You’re viewing a place when the roof collapses to live without your weekly felix. You your mum, mate. Who cares if you’re going to live it the salad. It turns it down, roaring, “IT’S SLUG on you and your housemates. The neighborhood draw small dartboards on your temples out the rest of your life eating pork pies alone? FEED! I NEED REAL FOOD!” and eats you cats ravage your bodies, sharing some acquired and tie yourself to the felix office doors. Fuck it, your fat friend keeps eating all your pies instead. immunodeficiency syndrome love with you. ONE-HUUUUNDRED-AND-EEEEIGGHTY! anyway.

Aries Cancer Libra Capricorn

Your parents take Your hall is having its fank yoo to all ma Graduating? Reading you on a caravan farewell dinner on a m8s out der. widout u your last ever holiday in Wales. boat. You arrive to i wuldnt hv eva bcum horoscope? Never You’d rather scratch find it’s painfully dull or savived being ferix again will a dull Friday out your eyes with and in an attempt edita 4 sooooO long. morning be gleefully rusty razors but they  to alleviate your omgggg had u not swept away with our still have those child- boredom throw helpd out wid d darling nuggets of locks on the car. On the first available sharp yourself off the edge. A ninja cat with scuba elections last yr, i wud be mega fuckd! id be inane comedy. Can we fit anymore words into corner, you throw yourself out the window and gear approaches you with a needle; you already graduating wid liek a fckin 3rd or summat right the previous sentence? You don’t care, it’s made land in a field of sheep. Mistaking you for a know what he’s got in store for you. The murky now. baaaares dpressin! anywayz babezzzz, luvs you smile. Yeh, we’re funny, and we’ve spread our local, the sheep turn nasty and pin you down. Thames water tastes strangely like Union coca- ya all and dn’t dissapeer 4 too long, yeh? cum 4 humour thinly like a guy who’s a bit ‘so-so’ about They’ve been waiting a long time for revenge... cola, mmm... bare wet n wild sex partys at jac, fil and mines. Marmite on toast. One word left, really: Pint? felix FRIDAY 18 JUNE 2010 33 What’s on... Special Summer Calendar Editor – Ziggi Szafranski

[email protected]

Shakespeare Alert! 14th June - 22nd August 30th June - 4th July DramSoc presents ‘As You Like It’ Henley Royal Regatta – This year returning to Upper Dalby Court (that open space at the end of Royal Academy Summer Exhibition – Taking place at the Olympic venue of – Every year the Royal Academy of Arts hosts the the walkway!), DramSoc invites you Dorney Lake, just up the Thames, why to pull up a chair at their FREE per- world’s largest open submission contemporary art not come and watch Great Britain show formances of William Shakespeare’s exhibition. For a couple of pounds, you can see New Zealand, Canada, France and the ‘As You Like It’! work by both emerging and established artists in all USA just what we’re made of in the run media, including painting, sculpture, photography, upu to the 2012 rowing events in the Ol- – Sunday 20th June at 3pm printmaking, architecture and film. This year, the yympic Games? – Thursday 24th June at 7pm 242nd of the exhibition, sees selected works chosen around the theme of ‘Raw’. With over 11,000 en- – For more info: www.hrr.co.uk tries this year, you’ll be sure to find something that takes your interest, and if you happen to have a bit 6th Julyy - 111th1 Sept of spare cash lying around most of the work is on sale too! BBC Proms – Unless you’ve been living in a hole the – For more info: http://www.royalacademy.org.uk/ past year, you’ll probably have heard exhibitions/summer-exhibition/ someone, somewhere, mention the BBC Proms. But just in case you didn’t, the 3rd - 7thth AAugust Proms are an annual music festival taking place mainly at the Royal Albert Hall (so Great British Beer Festival not too far away!) with over 70 fantastic – If you’re a beer fan, then this is the place concerts, culminating in the most famous for you. Taking over Earls Court for the week, event of the season - the “Last Night of the Festival sees a number of opportunities the Proms” to experience, well, beer, including the ‘Bot- tled Beer Bar’ which offers more than 100 va- – FoForr momorere iinfo:nfo: wwww.bbc.co.uk/proms rieties of real British ale in a bottle! So why not come along this year and sample as many of the 500+ different types of beer, cider and perry that will be there, from golden ales, 29th - 30th August stouts and bitters though to fruit beers and even a couple of international guests! Notting Hill Carnival – The Notting Hill Carnival is the largest festival of its – For more info: http://gbbf.camra.org.uk/ kind in Europe, as the streets of West London come alive over the Bank Holiday weekend with the sounds Have a good one!...e!... and smells of the Caribbean. Originally started by the West Indian community of the Notting Hill area, Well this is it, the last issue of tterm,erm ssoo it has now become a full-blooded Caribbean carnival, to those of you who are staying in Lon- attracting millions of people from around the globe. don over the summer: there’s plenty to Twenty miles of vibrant colourful costumes surround do! The 5 events above are just random hundreds of Caribbean food stalls, over 40,000 volun- ones I picked but there is so much more teers and over 1 million Notting Hill Carnival revellers. to do - just getting out and having a look With many astonishing floats and the sounds of the will open some amazing opportunities! traditional steel drum bands, this may well be the most fun you have all summer! Have a great summer, and watch this space next term for more exciting – For more info: www.thenottinghillcarnival.com events! 34 felix FRIDAY 18 JUNE 2010 SPORT [email protected] Ponies, sticks, sunshine and silverware ICU Riding and Polo put on a very impressive performance in the summer nationals with trophies aplenty

Alex Savell Polo als. Unfortunately my elation was short lived as we were both sorely trounced by the other team in our group, some With exams hitting our polo teams small recompense being gained by the hard this summer it was a somewhat fact that they went on to win in the diminished crowd that arrived at Off- final. church Bury Polo Club for the Akuma The Beginners too didn’t get the Universities Polo Nationals. With most start they wanted for the day. Having of our Novices stuck with their revi- to play at the same time as us on the sion for the weekend we were pinning opposite pitch meant a lot of stress as all our hopes for a strong result on this five people tried to mount their ponies year’s batch of new players in the Be- at the same time. The addition of Flora ginner Section. to the team meant a very different feel On the first day of the tournament and shape to the team and perhaps the we emerged from our tents with vary- team needed a little more time to set- ing levels of fatigue; not all due to tle into that new shape as they were drinking. But with plenty of time to unable to play quite at their best and wake up and get ready before matches couldn’t match that 1st round victory started we even had time for a quick in the 2nd round. shopping trip and a little cricket before After a short gap our 1st team we had to deal with the now traditional mounted up for their first match in stress of ponies arriving late, getting the Beginner 1 division. We had high lost or breaking down on the journey. hopes this year since we knew Mu- Fortunately myself and Jon Mat- hammad and Thijs have a big hit on thews had no matches on Friday so them that was unlikely to be matched could sort things out as much as possi- by other teams in their division and ble before our Beginners 2nd team had Charles was there to add some extra their first match late in the afternoon. consistency and security in position With Flora stuck in the exam hall one number 2, but I think it’s fair to say of our first team members had to sub that they themselves piled the heaviest in, but Muhammad really helped Mi- of expectations on, eager to show how kaela and Giuseppe out in their first good they really are at the end of only ever competitive chukka [match]. one year of training. The team played really well. Perhaps it was this that showed in Giuseppe in particular showed just their play, all seeming a little tense in how much you can pick up your game their first match. Their opponents A specimen of horse, in no doubt highly sought after by Furse when the pressure is on and really got managed to gain a couple of good into hassling the opposition for the breaks and everything seemed quite ball; hooking their swings and riding even for a time. Those big swings train several times in a week. And, in to a narrow victory, keeping them in and had some great moments, but them off to spoil their attacking plays. though and the confidence to really at- contrast, due to the weather leading up touch with their opponents and in where Jon’s team managed to beat his The net result, a win for the B2s and tack the ball eventually proved telling to the nationals the teams were only with a shot in the second half on Sun- opponents in the first chukka and hold a great start to our nationals, and with though and the Beginners were able as able to get out to play on the fields day morning. them to a stalemate in the second the the arrival of our few stragglers that the match progressed to assert their once or twice and so were at a real It was the B1s that drew the really results for me were reversed, going evening we were all in high spirits for dominance despite a few little slips and disadvantage in terms of experience short straw though, their Third match down 2-0 in the first and unable to the start of play on Saturday where misses. of the larger, faster, summer version of slipped off the end of Saturday’s pro- break a stalemate in the second leav- everyone would be playing two match- They came away with a great result the game. ceedings and was rescheduled for ing Jon and I 5th and 4th respectively es on our busiest day. to build on as the initial tension start- The Warwick match seemed to fol- Sunday morning at ten to ten meaning in our division. Saturday started somewhat earlier ed to release and they went forward low a similar pattern to the first and they were the ones unable to really en- The B2s also had a mountain to and all at the same time. Jon and I, to their second match knowing that we were all a little surprised at how joy the players party on Saturday night. climb in their second chukka, needing playing in the combined [mixed] di- if they played to their full ability then easily our B1s were able to stamp their A marquee, a DJ, a bar and a couple to put 2 past Warwick to get a victory. vision revisited an old grudge match, they were in a very strong position. mark on the match against a team we of hundred polo players makes for an Unfortunately, it was not to be and de- playing on opposing teams. In one of Their next couple of matches though all expected to be challenging them interesting evening and there were spite Giuseppe’s growing confidence the fastest and most fun matches I’ve were to be against two of the tourna- hard. Again it didn’t all go Imperial’s more than a few embarrassed faces little things meant they never quite ever played I finally managed to get a ment favourites, particularly Warwick way and a few little fouls crept in again the following morning and a few angry got the break they needed to get a goal little revenge and turn the tables on who have the advantage of being on and allowed Warwick to get a slight glares at those teams choosing to drive yet they also managed a very respect- Jon after he won at the winter nation- home ground and are often able to foothold in the game, but for the sec- around a field full of sleeping students able 0-0 draw in their final chukka, just ond time the big swings and pace of at 4 am, blaring out music and waking loosing on aggregate. our Beginners proved too much to half the field up. So we all waited with anticipation for defend against and once their forward So it was slightly bleary eyed that the the Beginner 1s, crossing our fingers momentum got going it proved impos- B1s made their way to the ponies on and wondering whether they could ac- sible for Warwick to stop. Sunday morning. But that didn’t seem tually bring home the trophy. Right at The B2s were also up to face a War- to bother them too much once they the end of the day they took to the field wick team in their final chukkas. A 2 took to the pitch. This match seemed for the final time against the blue shirts chukka match across Saturday and to have less periods of flowing play of Newcastle. I know my heart was in Sunday. We were really impressed with than the others, a few fouls on each my mouth as the first play of the match the way the team were playing togeth- side kept the play to shorter bursts and got underway and Newcastle quickly er, all of them playing some of the best inconsistent spot hits from both teams managed to counter a first break by polo we’ve seen from them. could have cost either side a goal if the our beginners, perhaps the first team Giuseppe showed that his increase in other could capitalise. to really be able to keep up with our confidence in the first chukka was not It was us that managed to though B1s and mount some kind of defence a one off. Flora, generally one of our and a couple of great spot hits from against them. quietest players, seemed to pop up in Muhammad led to some great chanc- True to form though, the B1s support of the other two at every play. es. One in particular pushed just wide stepped up their play. Suddenly they And Mikaela, who has picked up the as Thijs headed to goal at pace in par- weren’t able to go it alone and unchal- game only since finishing competing ticular led to a missed hit out from the lenged but they were there in support in BUCS for our riding team, showed opposition and was probably the pivot- of one another and quickly a couple of how consistent and reliable she’s be- al point in the match. Leaving the B2s massive goals from 40 or 50 yards were come as a player in so little time. to face Newcastle in the final. scored and Newcastle finally collapsed Unfortunately, despite stepping up Both my chukkas followed directly and conceded two more making us their game significantly the team were after Jon’s in our playoffs in the com- the champions with a convincing 4-0 A happy bunch of polo players with their trophies - but what did the horses get? only able to manage to hold Warwick bined. All of these were hard fought victory. felix FRIDAY 18 JUNE 2010 35 [email protected] SPORT Hit the waves, boyo - Surfsoc in Wales

Apparently this is in Wales. If I gave two shits I would go further to dispute this claim. But I don’t so I won’t. T’isn’t half bad though

Tabby Mirza Surfing viding the driving force. The Surfsoc that the forecasts had been predicting barbeque beside the seafront to cap were able to surf all morning with some Freshers were keen to pick up on our all week. On the plus side the condi- off a relaxing day in South Wales. Af- pretty nice rides to be had. The morn- weekend traditions, as Ellie seized the tions were ideal for beginners, of which ter many burgers/sausages/bananas, ing’s surf provided a nice end to the trip Leaving the Union on Friday 11th June opportunity to drop the milk and leave there were five novices, all of whom and feeling pretty beached we headed and with the sun slowly creeping away at an ever punctual 4:45 pm SurfSoc us all wondering why we don’t just let keenly jumped into their wetsuits to to the local pub to catch the England from sight the team followed suit and embarked on its final trip of the aca- Jamie carry it. The Welsh banter con- get started with their lesson. Not ones game, which won’t be spoken of here. A headed to the local inn for the Sunday demic year to Rhossili Bay in Wales. tinued as we met the elderly couple to be fazed by the less than ideal state of few drinks later and not wanting to be carvery in preparation for the 5 hour The tiny village of Rhossili, located near who ran the hostel, who said they’d get affairs or waste a weekend by the coast in poor condition for the next day the journey home. Swansea, is a hidden gem amongst the our keys ‘now in a minute’. the rest of the crew zipped up and wad- group got in a solid 4 hours sleep before SurfSoc bade farewell to the valleys more popular surfing hotspots such as Waking up on Saturday the great ed out into the water to try their luck. the morning wake-up call. just as the heavens gave way to the in- Newquay and Croyde and has proven weather allowed us to appreciate the After some lunch and a game of beach Sunday morning started off grey famous Welsh rain. The return journey to be a great place to enjoy post exam location of the hostel, an old Lifeboat cricket the surf picked up with the high and overcast but brightened up con- was a more laid back affair but one with celebrations with the club. House, as we ate breakfast looking out tide and most of the group headed siderably once the bus reached the quiet satisfaction (or so I believe). Al- Even with surf forecasts predicting on the Gower and Port Eynon beach. back in for an afternoon session, be- cliffs. Surfing conditions were much though the surf wasn’t as brilliant as it less than favourable conditions, the After a short drive we met with the surf fore heading back to Port Eynon to get improved from Saturday with regular could have been the sunshine and am- general vibe on the bus was ‘totally school in Rhossilli at 10 am, but were the evening meal underway. Commit- sets rolling in on the 2mile long sandy bience made up for it and resulted in a psyched’, with sheer enthusiasm pro- disappointed to see the lack of waves tee member Alex Karvelas fired up the beach. With the sun holding out we thoroughly enjoyable weekend. Forget the World Cup - try the Wimbledon sweepstakes Can’t get away from the vuvuzelas and the En-ger-land chants but want some summer sport? Tennis Club has the answer for you!

Robert Bush Tennis That’s not all -how about a bit of Summer Tennis? This summer, football will prob- The English summer has arrived and ably take centre stage but nevertheless with it, as always, Wimbledon! After there will be the usual flock of people a very unpredictable and surprising blowing the dust of their tennis rackets AEGON championship at the Queen’s and catching some summer sun while Club and at the Halle Club in Germany chilling out on the tennis court. where Federer was beaten by Hewitt, The tennis club is offering a half the winner of Wimbledon this year will price discount for summer member- prove very hard to predict. ship. At only £15 you will recover the However, the Imperial College Ten- costs after playing just twice! The club nis Club is offering the chance to win supplies the balls, rackets and organ- an ATP tennis T-shirt or towel if you ises opponents of a similar standard. predict the right player (male or fe- We already have 4 sessions booked in male) to win Wimbledon. June and courts are still available. You can pay for membership at www.impe- *** rialcollegeunion.org/lawn-tennis-157/ category.html after which you will au- This is how it will work: tomatically receive your username and password to book courts. Then go to Email [email protected] www.union.ic.ac.uk/tennis to book with your intention to enter; your court! you will receive one of the top 16 So if you have an internship, live in seeds selected by random (1 male play- London or are still studying join now er and 1 female) OR you can select an to secure courts for June, July, August unseeded player of your choice or a 16- and September and emulate Andy 32 seeded player. Murray’s (possible) success at this *** Let me know if ANYBODY partakes in this comp featured by this highly enthralling form of faux-gambling. Actually, don’t. year’s All-England Championships. 18.06.10

Send in your sport reports: [email protected] felixSport High resolution photos only Union slashes sports funding

Sport Imperial said to be fed up with underperforming “shit” clubs. In other news Ultimate Frisbee’s the DiscDoctors unveil plans to transform Harlington into Europe’s first multi- acre Frisbee Dome after Samuel Furse’s failed horse purchase

mperial College Union are to re- teams were simply in it for the wanton defeat or no crushing defeat, sport is and Fridays, “downing Snakebites with and use all the money to build a huge vise the status and funding of a post-match alcoholism and destruc- about more than just winning. As an their ties around their heads after hav- gaming-specific computer facility (or number of IC sports teams be- tiveness (an unnamed source placed unnamed rugby fresher once said (or ing gotten hammered by some team in give all the compscis a year of paid I cause, as Felix editor Dan Wan great emphasis on the term “chunder- tried to say, I could only half hear him Surrey”. Oh dear. leave to play WoW). We’ll have the puts it, “they’re shit”. As part of monkeys”). Looking at the table shows as his head was in a toilet): “the impor- As a short-term measure, getting rid Left 4 Dead world championships in the continued effort to cut costs in the that most medics teams (bar rugby) tant thing isn’t winning, it’s GETTING of all the shit sports clubs who haven’t the bag in no time at all. current economic climate, and with are useless, Imperial girls (admittedly SMASHED!” Beautiful stuff, worthy of won anything since the Conservatives Upon labouring through the laby- the status of university fees unsure, un- a small group) can’t play netball to save Pierre de Coubertin himself. were last in power does seem like a rinth that is the Imperial College web- ion officials as well as College bigwigs their lives and rugby and hockey are Interestingly enough, quite a few stu- good option. A lot of money will be site, felix uncovered news that the Dis- have come to the decision that reduc- propping up both their league tables dents think the planned cuts are a good freed up and the next ACC chair will cDoctors, less commonly known as the ing funding, or removing it altogether and the union bar at the same time move. Without wanting to generalise, be able to concentrate on sorting out Imperial College Ultimate Frisbee club in the case of certain teams, is a viable (that’s an A for effort, then). it is true that much of Imperial suffers the shambles left behind by his or her are just a signature away from realising way of reducing expenses. Of course, sport at university has from a general, geeky apathy towards predecessor, called the “worst ACC their dream of constructing a multi- Spurred on by the fact that the Im- always been associated with a more sport. An anonymous Sci-Fi member chair in history” by some high-up ad- acre facility designed for the sole use of perial College rugby 1sts were unable social, less competitive approach and heartily agreed with the union’s mo- min people (here’s to you, Chaz). Who participants in the plastic disc throw- to win varsity for the umpteenth year many students think it’s unfair to judge tion, going as far as calling it “a bunch knows? Maybe if we focus on the good ing activity. Harlington, said to be of no in a row, finance hacks in the SAC teams based solely on sporting merit. of idiots running around and then get- stuff, Imperial will actually come off as use now that no sport will be played is decided to take a closer look at other It would seem that the overzealous ting drunk” before letting out a sharp a decent sporting uni. leading location vying for the contract shite teams wasting Imperial’s money. bean-counters in Beit, Imperial lack- hiss and retreating from the sunlight Actually, that’s not true. Imperial and to build this frisbee-dome. It turned out that the felixSport league eys through and through, focussed back into the cool, dark confines of the its geeky stalwarts are doomed to oc- They came against stiff competition table was of great help in this task, as on the more numerical side of things basement library in Beit quad. Oth- casional flashes of sporting brilliance, at the hands of Sam Furse, who after it was clearly obvious which teams ac- rather than understanding how im- ers, less extreme in their views, simply but we’ll never dominate the country. the funding farce of last year, submitted tually set out to win matches and earn portant it was to share a pint with bemoaned the way the raucous jocks I know what we can do to win some- a bid to acquire the entire fleet of thor- BUCS points for Imperial and which your mates after the match. Crushing take over the union on Wednesdays thing, though. Scrap the entire ACC oughbreds from the UAE. He failed.