0) Extending Our Reach: Cultural Diversity in the CD Interfaith Community hose of us in interfaith and the word "spirits," we may CD marriages often come up discover the same themes in our own against the challenge of heritages. In the past. Christians have Taealmg with our religious differ• often loosely used the word "pagan" ences, but a more subtle conflict can to mean "without God" or "worship often have almost as much an effect of many gods." Yet, after studying the on our relationships: different vocabulary and culture of Paganism cultural backgrounds. This is (according to the definitions of it something my husband and I have adherents), we can see a true history marveled at many times across the and culture (with the environment as past 22 years: the cultural and a major theme) that can be honored 0 religious aspects of Judaism can be in a marriage or family. We can all almost two distinct sets of issues for relate to the positive ideas of praying us, not one. To confuse matters aloud for manifestations of goodness more, we assumed there was really to descend upon us here today, even no cultural background for me, if we don't call them "spirits." The except perhaps that of deep Ameri• Hebrew word ruach can be translated CD can-Yankee roots. It would be at least as wind, breath, or spirit. Every ten years into our marriage before it religion and culture seeks to describe dawned on us that I, too, had a set of the spiritual, and if we try, we have cultural traditions and a heritage, an opportunity to see ourselves in CD separate from Christian beliefs, that the mirror of the other cultures of also needed to be figured into the the world. "Karma" is another word balance of our lives and family. we can relate to positively—the idea of sending out one good deed or Culture can be such a strong influ• action, and the wish for it to return ence on us that sometimes we don't to the giver a thousand times over. even notice it's there. Religious snags are interesting, but we can often refer This issue was originally intended to to our local clergy to interpret and be about all the "other" cultures that solve differences. However, our are with us on our interfaith journey cultural differences can require more struggle and intuition, and they are a lot less obvious to fix. In a partner's religious service, for instance, aside In This Issue from any alien content to the liturgy, East Meets... and Marries! West 3 knowing when to clap, when to remain quiet, and when to sit or Grandparenting Across the stand can mean the difference Cultural Gap 5 between complete relaxation and Diversity of the DiGenovas.. 7 total embarrassment. EgontoRest 9 Culturally speaking, vocabulary can Mudhouse Sabbath be the key to the door, or the hole in (Review) 10 the dike. A phrase like "calling the Celebrating Diversity 11 spirits into the house" can set off Dovetail Conference 13 images of ghosts, superstitions, and Index to Vol. 6 14 paganism to some. But if we look Bulletin Board 15 deeper at the meaning of the phrase
Volume 12, Number 6 July/August 2004 ^Dovetail
and how we manage them. I tried to cultural and religious aspects of Please remember us in find information and stories about Judaism and gives a common intermarriage in Islam, but it was vocabulary for Christians to under• your will and trusts. difficult to find people willing to stand it. share their stories and writings. On the other hand, I was overwhelmed Last weekend, I had the good fortune of seeing a movie for young people with the response to the simple that I want to recommend to question: How have the cultural interfaith families. It seemed to touch aspects of Judaism, Christianity, or on this issue of different cultures and some other religion affected your religions and how a family struggles interfaith marriage? The answers are to learn and grow. The movie, Shrek thoughtful, interesting, and challenge 2, in its loony-cartoony sort of way, us to dig deeper into our own has a wonderful line early on, when heritages. Fiona cautiously reminds Shrek that Mary Rosenbaum shares a vivid and even though he is an ogre, her heartwarming story of her Jewish parents aren't ogres, and since he daughter's marriage to a Shinto- married a princess, Shrek had better Buddhist man. Susanna Macomb get used to the idea that her family is shares her thoughts about the many important to her. Fiona also gives her walks across cultural bridges she has parents the same lecture later in the taken as she counsels couples who movie. Apparently, ogres and are contemplating interfaith and princesses who marry can be in for intercultural marriages. Irene Davis quite a culture shock! Kids of all ages shares her wisdom on grandparent• will see the deep meaning, and yet DovetaO's website: still laugh a lot, too. As always, ing across the cultural gap. Francine www.dovetailinstitute.org. growing and keeping a sense of Trevens explores the struggles of a Online discussion group: http:// humor can be the most important multiracial, interfaith lesbian couple groups.yahoo.com/group/inter- lesson of all. as they have adopted children and faith. raised them. The book review of Rejoice in your choice! Debi Tenner ^ Mudhouse Sabbath speaks about
Dovetail's Staff Dovetail's mission is to provide a channel Dovetail (ISSN 1062-7359) is published of communication for interfaith couples, their bimonthly (6 times per year) by: The Dovetail parents, and their children. No matter what Institute for Interfaith Family Resources, 775 Simon Greenwell Ln., Boston, KY 40107; Debi Tenner their specific choices regarding faith for their home and children, the more interfaith tel 800-530-1596; fax 502-549-3543; Editor families can share their ideas, experiences, Email [email protected]. resources, and support, the more they can make peace in their homes and communities. A one-year subscription is available for Jennifer Ashman Huey Jewish and Christian perspectives can dovetail. $29.95 from the above address. International subscriptions are $35.00. Single issues are Associate Editor Believing that there are no definitive answers to available for $5.50 each. the questions facing interfaith families, Dovetail Dovetail welcomes article submissions, letters strives to be open to all ideas and opinions. to the editor, and comments or suggestions. Kelly Kozlowsky Editorial content attempts to balance and respect Send to Debi Tenner, Editor, 45 Lilac Ln., the perspectives of both Jewish and Christian Managing Editor Hamden, Ct. 06517, [email protected]; partners in interfaith marriages, as well Review Editor Carol Weiss Rubel, 310 Tulip as the diverse perspectives of parents and Circle, Clarks Summit, PA 18411-0213, children of interfaith couples. Inclusion [email protected]. Carol Weiss Rubel in Dovetail does not imply endorsement. Book Review Editor Dovetail accepts a thoughtful and constructive Copyright © 2004 by discussion of all related issues in the Letters to The Dovetail Institute for the Editor section, and reserves the right to reply. Interfaith Family Resources. All rights reserved.
July/August 2004 page 2 When East Meets... and Marries! West by Mary Helene Rosenbaum ^^^^^^hen our daughter Sarah driving away negative ones. From his Mary Helene Rosenbaum is told us she was going to perspective, mentioning the misfor• executive director of the Dovetail marry Yukio, we were tune of others directly contravened Institute, a former editor of the thrilled and happy for her, and this effort. Sarah explained that it is delighted that this fine man was very much in the Jewish tradition to Dovetail Journal, and co-author with going to become part of our family. remember those less fortunate at husband Stanley Ned Rosenbaum of We were also curious as to how his times of joy. Solution: they asked the Celebrating Our Differences: Living Shinto tradition would mesh with rabbi to cast her remarks in positive her interfaith background and terms—"We look forward to the day Two Faiths in One Marriage (Ragged chosen Judaism. We knew that when...." Edge Press, 1994), available at Shinto has experience of religious www. dovetailinstitute. org. The other misunderstanding came pluralism with Buddhisim, and also after both famihes had gathered in has no prophet, which may may an the days preceding the wedding. intermarriage easier. Still, expecting Though our Japanese is worse than the usual intermarriage complica• rudimentary, and most of Yukio's tions regarding the ceremony, I was family speaks very little English, we prepared to bring the Dovetail found we could communicate very officiant referral arsenal to bear to well with dictionaries, gestures, and find officiants who were willing to general good will. The first two work with each other and with the evenings, a Wednesday and a couple. As it turned out, this was Thursday, dinners were marked with unnecessary. The Shinto ceremony laughter and cheer. Friday night we doesn't require a single officiant Suggested further reading: did our usual Sabbath ritual of Shinto: Japan's Spiritual Roots, by Stuart D. B. ordained by some religious author• candles and blessings and settled Picken (Tokyo: Kodansha International, 1979) ity; Yukio's family would fdl the bill. The Essentials of Shinto, by Stuart D. B. down for another fun meal. But the As for the rabbi, once it became clear Picken (Westport, CT: Greenwood Japanese relatives were silent, looking that our own beloved Rabbi Secher Press,1994) down at their plates, unsmiling. would not be available, Sarah and I finally asked whether anything Yukio were able to find one in was wrong. It turned out that the Philadelphia themselves. introductory prayers had made Unique Interfaith them feel that this was a sacred Challenges meal during which solemnity was the polite attitude. (I said to my husband The first interfaith snag came from later, "When we visit Japan we'd a completely unexpected quarter. better keep a lid on our usual Rabbi Berman, in discussing the boisterousness till we see how other ceremony, said that she always people are behaving.") Then came included in her remarks a note of the day of the wedding. compassion for those, such as gay and lesbian couples, who were Uniting Couple unable to consecrate their unions. and Cultures Yukio got very quiet, a sign he was Sarah and I (we'd been at the hair• upset, which puzzled Sarah since she They ended by circling dresser) arrived at the Japanese knew he agreed with the sentiment. House and Garden in West once together, sym• When they were alone together he Fairmount Park, Philadelphia, on expressed his concern: a keynote of bolizing their union a beautiful blue and gold morning the Shinto ceremony involves calling with a soft breeze blowing. We were and partnership. on positive spirits or energies and
July/August 2004 page 3 ^Dovetail
met by Rabbi Marjorie Berman and The Shinto Ceremony Ned and I read in English from the Song of Songs while Yukio and Sarah Sarah's women's group, playing They stood in a line along the wall each circled the other three times, to tambourines and fmgerdrums and and bowed to us, then with claps and set each other apart from any other singing niggunim (traditional Jewish waving of a golden wand festooned as their chosen one, and to create a melodies). They led us to a green, with white paper streamers called the ring of protection and peace for their leafy clearing where they'd made spirits of good into the house. (These new family. They ended by circling a circle, and seated Sarah under a are not worshiped in the Shinto once together, symbolizing their white lace parasol with me beside tradition; they correspond more to union and partnership. her. They sang some more and each our idea of what in New Age terms spoke a special blessing or wish for we might call "positive energy.") A The ceremony then proceeded Sarah, then kissed her. nephew read a chant celebrating the along fairly traditional Jewish lines; new beginning being made by the Then the rabbi brought Yukio across blessing of the wine, betrothal newlyweds. Sarah and Yukio then the grass toward us, looking incred• blessing, ring ceremony. One unusual read vows from a scroll in Japanese. ibly big (he's six feet tall, and broad bit was the reading of the ketubah— This was followed by the sake shouldered) and handsome in a in Hebrew (rather than the more ceremony, in which Yukio and Sarah magnificent black satin kimono traditional Aramaic), English... each drank three bowls of rice wine embroidered in white with Yukio's and Japanese! The rabbi made a from a red-and-gold lacquered set family's 600-year-old crest. few graceful and appropriate remarks while Yukio's sister, a professional focusing on the coming together of The rabbi, according to the age-old musician, sang a song hundreds of two traditions and the hope for Jewish custom, asked whether this years old, speaking of the cranes and the future of ever greater love and was the bride he had chosen; with an the tortoise in the emperor's garden, freedom across boundaries. Family ineffably tender look, he avowed that symbols of good fortune and long and friends in turn read the Seven indeed it was. Bride and groom and life. After this, the wedding party Blessings, adapted to the circum• two witnesses signed the ornate bowed and clapped to usher out the stance of an interfaith marriage. ketubah (wedding contract), then Kami spirits. Finally, my husband Yukio drew the veil over Sarah's face. Ned (representing the bride's family Since tatami mats are too fragile for The rabbi pointed out that this as her father) and the couple's the usual breaking of the glass to provided Sarah with her own private mutual friend Marvin, who brought signal the end of the ceremony, and sacred space, and adjured the two of them together (as the matchmaker) since it was the month of Elul when them to put aside all concerns about drank sake together to symbolize the Jews prepare for Rosh Hashana, the the practical details and responsibili• union of the families. rabbi ended by blowing the shofar, ties of the event they had organized, and we exited to the singing of the to go into the nearby teahouse and Then the wedding party, followed niggun the congregation had learned be alone together for a few minutes by Ned and me and Sarah's brothers, earlier. After the bride and groom's to center themselves and be in the who had been acting as ushers, filed traditional Jewish period of seclusion sacred moment. back out the door, each of us turning together, we went on to the reception to bow to the congregation before at an historic Philadelphia restau• They went off, and the rest of leaving. As we regrouped in the back rant, where Yukio smashed the glass. us seated ourselves in the simple, areas of the pavilion. Rabbi Marjorie beautiful Japanese pavilion—most taught the congregation a couple of I'll close with a vignette that those people on cushions on the tatami- niggunim to sing us back in with. who know Ned will enjoy: Yukio's matted floor, creakers like me and tiny, shy, reserved sister-in-law, in my mother on chairs at the edge of The Jewish Ceremony an exquisite kimono, hauling my tall, reluctant scholar-husband out of his the veranda just beyond. After a few We processed to the veranda with chair and getting him to boogie minutes, the door in the wall in front the huppah (wedding canopy) on its down! of us opened and in filed Yukio's poles, the bride and groom accompa• Japanese family. nied by their famihes. Once in place. Wish you all could have been there. ^
July/August 2004 page 4 Grandparenting Across the Cultural Gap by Irene Davis
am a Jew, and each of my three grandfather's Kiddush cup, and Irene Davis is a Toronto-based writer children has chosen a life partner of the groom breaking a glass at the and grandmother Irene came across who is not Jewish. The people end of the ceremony. Both cultures I Dovetail while surfing the internet they chose are wonderful and that joined by that ceremony have a became the bridge across cultures, tradition of strong family ties, and and agreed to share her story with I think. But I still had to make some that proved to be the bridge between. Dovetail as the Jewish grandparent mental and emotional adjustments, "We weren't happy that he hadn't of three intermarried children. She especially once the grandchildren found a Jewish girl, but this was so has seven grandchildren ranging in arrived. It was difficult for me, for much better than anything we had example, to handle a Christmas tree ever had and we were willing to see age from 14 down to 4—two in in my kids' houses. And no, it didn't how things went," explains Lucille. Adelaide, Australia, two in Apex, make it better to think of it as a North Carolina, and three, happily Hanukkah bush. That was my Things went wonderfully. Their son Avery is now three years old. He goes closer to home, in the Toronto area. problem, not theirs, and I had to nursery school and speaks both to get over it. English and Vietnamese. He and his The children are being raised to parents come to Richmond Hill to know and respect both halves of spend important Jewish holidays their heritage, and that can only be with his Jewish grandparents but enriching for them. My husband and Norm and Lucille make no attempt I also respect those heritages, and to transmit their culture in any other have done our best to build good way. "That's up to his parents," says relationships with everyone con• Norm. "He will probably be more in cerned, as have the other grandpar• tune with Vietnamese culture than ents in these equations. We are all on with Judaism because his maternal good terms, so presumably we've all grandparents live near him in succeeded. Ottawa. He's healthy and well- adjusted," Norm adds. "That's I decided to learn more about all that counts." grandparenting in an inter-cultural situation and share what I found, Margaret and Marks McAvity of and get some input from experts Sorrento, BC, also grandparent who could advise on accepting the across racial lines but share with situation and maintaining good their in-laws a strong Christianity relationships. that is probably one of the planks on the bridge between them. Their Case Studies in daughter Patricia and her husband Grandparenting Pau, a Malaysian Chinese, married in 1988, now live in Vancouver, and Lucille and Norm Chaplan of have four children ranging in age Richmond Hill, Ontario, are also from 7 to less than a year. The Jewish and grandparenting across McAvitys had known and liked Pau racial as well as religious and ethnic before he was involved with their lines. Their son Jonathan married daughter, both as Marks's student Nhung, a Vietnamese woman. They and because he acted as translator had two wedding ceremonies: a civil when their church sponsored some ceremony and a traditional Buddhist Vietnamese refugees of Chinese It all comes down, really, ceremony into which Jon had origin. The open attitude developed injected the Jewish rituals of sipping to respect—and love. through their lifetime of work at wine, which they did from his
July/August 2004 page 5 ^Dovetail
Pearson, which is an international Feedback from a Vancouver marriage and family college. "We are very used to looking Professionals therapist. Badyal acknowledges the beyond nationalities to the person," fear of losing one's culture, and Margaret says. Exactly the advice given by Dr. agrees parts of it will indeed be lost. Huzan Kharas-Daver, coordinator But she points out, "Religious and They certainly are; their son is also of the Family Service Association of ethnic identity are maintained by married to a Malaysian Chinese and Metropolitan Toronto's elder abuse natural evolution and progression, has a one-year-old child, and the intervention project and also social and we have to be willing to change, McAvitys have an adopted daughter worker and intake coordinator with otherwise what we're maintaining is of Jamaican origin. Pau's parents in the Aphasia Centre of North York, a very rigid doctrine that will not Singapore did have some difficulty Ontario. Her graduate thesis was a survive. So be comfortable with what at first; "I think when they sent their study of intermarriage, focusing on you are, share it with the grandchil• son from Singapore to Pearson Bombay's Zoroastrian community. dren in a positive way and they will College they didn't anticipate he The Zoroastrian community then preserve those aspects of would fall in love with a Caucasian disapproves of intermarriage, at least religious and ethnic identity that girl. I think they'd cautioned him partly because of fear of assimilation, they admire in you as a grandparent." against that." says Margaret. But but it realizes that intermarriage is when the young couple actually growing worldwide just as it is in That sharing, of course, should decided to marry, his parents Canada. not overstep the bounds set by the respected that decision and became parents. "Be willing to step back and very supportive. Pau's mother came These marriages are succeeding. The let the parents do the parenting," to Canada to help out each time a myth that intermarriages don't last Badyal says. She also warns grand• grandchild was born, for example. may have been true for previous parents not to get into a tug-of-war generations for whom their culture in which each set is trying to convert Margaret and Marks find their own played a dominant part in their lives, the children into their religion, or in lives enriched by this other culture says Dr. Kharas-Daver, but for the case of race, to pressure the child in their family. The children are today's young people common into identifying with one side or the learning Chinese, for example, and interests, level of education, and other. "Be open to letting the child call them by the Chinese names for economic status are more important. develop naturally without having grandmother and grandfather. And "And grandparents are also changing, to choose one over the other." Jane they bask in the Oriental value of they have to," she says. "They either Graves, a counselor and secretary of respect for elders. "My son-in-law do that or they lose their children the National Bahai Centre's commu• wouldn't hear of my daughter saying and grandchildren." nity counseling committee, adds an anything negative about her par• important Don't: "Never undermine ents—and that's very nice!" says So grandparents must be more open, the other culture. It all comes down, Margaret. The McAvitys know broadminded and accepting, she really, to respect—and love." "The that their grandchildren may face says, advice echoed by Pindy Badyal, key would be love," says Dr. Kharas- prejudice down the line. How do Daver. "Love will pervade everything. they see their role in helping the If you love your children and children cope? "Just to love them 1+ ^ not ^hii ion t A f * to U - ..b oi ry t^p iu grandchildren, tolerance will come, and reassure them that there's tiuy i wo^^ t if yoa contincie coihna fhftra The axis of evil" acceptance will come, changes in nothing wrong with them... the attitude wiU come." ^ other person has to do some learn• ing," replies Margaret.
July/August 2004 page 6 The Diversity of the DiGenovas by Francine L. Trevens
hat's a nice Jewish girl drive and baby sitting their kids, they Francine L. Trevens has worl July/August 2004 page 7 ^Dovetail Dovetail's Editorial Advisory Board Rabbi Dr. Arthur Blecher Licensed Professional Counselor, Washington, D.C. care and a better chance of hving review schoolwork. Melissa gets healthier and longer," added Melissa. home with Sky around 4:30 p.m. She Dr. Eugene Fisher Director of Catholic-Jewish Relations, hears about the boys' day, and "Lately National Conference of Catholic Bishops' Busy Lives, Happy Kids they ask us about our day, which is a Secretariat for Ecumenical and Inter- Their lives are busily intertwined. nice change." The kids get playtime religious Affairs and a member of the as Melissa makes dinner and Lynn International Vatican-Jewish Liaison The family spends weekends going to Committee, Washington, D.C. parks, street fairs, circuses, and local feeds the baby. theater together. The kids play with Rev. Betty Gamble Then Melissa works with Michael on pals in the neighborhood, play games Associate General Secretary, United Methodist' unfinished homework. Finding that with their mothers in the house, are General Commission on Christian Unity & [ too few books taught letter names Interreligious Concerns supervised playing soccer or going to along with phonics, which he the pool, and attend church and Rabbi Julie Greenberg needed, she wrote and illustrated church functions such as a "Friends Director, Jewish Renewal Life one, Melissa Tiiea's AlphaBETTER Center in Philadelphia, Pa. in Action" program, where Lynn and BOOK. She said, "It's being released Melissa mentor a family and take Joan C. Hawxhurst in December by TnT Classic Books Founding editor of Dovetail, president of their children on outings. Mean• in New York. I write in the summer, Dovetail Publishing, Inc., author of Buhhe while, Sky, who didn't speak when at the local pool, or waiting for them and Cniiii: My Two Grandmothers they got her, and Anthony, who was distrustful and belligerent, blos• at karate class. The book's not in Katherine McCabe stores yet but you can get it online Intermarried Presbyterian elder, somed. Sky, now 5, is little mother, journalist, and editor in Chicago telling the boys what to do and how at www:TntClassicBooks.com." to do it. Her verbal skills and She successfully used the book in her Rev. John Wade Payne Anthony's people skills developed classroom of 12-15 kindergarten and Co-Author of Happily Intermarried: first grade special education stu• Authoritative Advice for a joyous Jewish- rapidly with Lynn and Melissa. Christian Marriage dents. It's not easy for two working mothers Rev. Bernard Pietrzak After watching TV or home movies to care for four challenged young Roman Catholic counselor to interfaith with kids, cleaning the house, and couples in the Chicago area, based at St. children.Their days are long; Melissa doing laundry, the women get to bed Raymond Church, Mt. Prospect, 111. rises at 6 a.m., supervises the kids' about 11 p.m. Lynn and Melissa, for dressing, tends to the baby, and Ira Pilchen two years in a row, have earned makes breakfast before taking Sky Intermarried magazine editor and college recognition for outstanding awards journalism instructor in Chicago and herself to school. Lynn joins from Washington D.C.'s For Love them downstairs when Melissa Of Children foster/adoption agency. Mary Helene Rosenbaum leaves, about 7:30 a.m., minds the Executive Director, DI-IFR; Co-Author Melissa herself won the outstanding baby and both boys until their 8 a.m. of Celebrating Our Differences: living Two educator award for Montgomery Faiths in One Marriage bus comes, then works in her home County in 2002. One of their friends office. The mothers take turns Dr. Stanley Ned Rosenbaum commented about their lives being bringing the kids to karate classes, Adjunct Professor, Univ. of Ky; Co-Author centered on their children. "Natu• taking Sky to dance class, and getting of Celebrating Our Differences: Living Two rally," Melissa said. "Isn't that what Faiths in One Marriage all of them to frequent doctor mothering is all about?" For two gay appointments. Lynn is there when Oscar A. Rosenbloom women who may have feared they'd the bus returns the boys from school. Founding Member and Cantor of the never be parents, it is a wonderfully Interfaith Community of Palo Alto, Ca. She alternates days for each boy to be centered life, being part of the the first to tell about his day and to Carol Weiss Rubel DiGenova family, Intermarried educator with advanced degrees in English and education, adult child of interfaith parents Membership on Dovetail's Editorial Advisory Board does not necessarily imply endorsement of the articles and opinions expressed herein. July/August 2004 page 8 Egon to Rest by Jack Levin ur eyes The late Egon C. Mayer was a HOW TO ORDER O Lowered iiim gentiy long-time friend of Dovetail and a DOVETAIL: In earth Icept sociologist who pioneered the study Warm To place a credit card order for By the winter of interfaith marriage. Jack Levin your own or a gift subscription Snow writes: "I am touched and honored to Dovetail, please call And covered him that you would use the poem to 800-530-1596. To order by mail, With the name further Egon's memory and his send your check for $29.95, Of God. message. Egon was a dear friend to made payable to DI-IFR, to: Pages and pages Like lives me. I was a dear friend to Egon and DI-IFR Some intact now to his memory. He was a loving Others not in their 775 Simon Greenwell Ln. and laughing supporter of my poetry Usual place but Boston, KY 40107 With him now and playwriting and happily had no His blanket occasion to use my services as a Special Offer: Send $59.95 for And with our lawyer My wife Carol and our a one-year membership in The Arms and backs children Daniel and Naomi shared Dovetail Institute for Interfaith We restored wonderful times with Egon and Family Resources. This includes The earth while a year's subscription to Dovetail, Our hearts cried. Marcia." a 10% discount on conference Watching Some of us fees and tape or transcript costs, Strangers to and automatic inclusion on the Dr. Egon Mayer also directed the Jewish Each other Outreach Institute, a non-profit organiza• mailing list for free brochures But not to him tion committed to helping interfaith families on interfaith topics. This sum Sharing memories. integrate within the Jewish community. His major studies in Jewish intermarriage include also includes a $30 tax- We all knew the Intermarriage and the Jewish Future, deductible donation to this non• Same sweet soul Children of Intermarriage, Conversion Whose life is a of the Intermarried, Rabbinic Officiation profit organization, and will help and Intermarriage, and the widely acclaimed Blessing yet us continue in our work of non- book, Love & Tradition: Marriage between For us who think Jews & Christians (Plenum, 1987). We are judgmental research and In some future moment preparing a transcript of his plenary talk at education in Jewish/Christian How Egon would our 2000 National Conference; memorial videos of that talk will be available for marriage. Live it. purchase at the 2004 conference or at www.dovetaiIinstitute.org or 800-530-1596. Thank you for your support. Clergy Counseling Rabbi Allen Secher, a founding board member of Dovetail Institute, is available for counseling interfaith couples and their families in person, on line, or by telephone. Rabbi Secher is a longtime adviser to the largest interfaith group in the country, and has been an officiant or co-officiant of interfaith life cycle ceremonies for the past 40+ years. His breadth of knowledge, warmth, sympathy, and commitment to exploring the needs of both Christian and Jewish partners make him an indispensable support to couples throughout the country and abroad. For detaUs, call (312) 913-9193 or e-mail sech [email protected]. Rabbi Secher's counseling services are independent of the Dovetail Institute and do not necessarily reflect its poUcies. July/August 2004 pages Dovetail Mudhouse Sabbath by Lauren R Winner (Review) Mudhouse Sabbath, by Lauren F. Winne auren Winner is a young Ameri cogently analyzed the Lord's Prayer (Orleans, MA: Paraclete Press, 2003) Lcan writer witli a powerful and or explained the Trinity to whom it ingratiating voice. Her earlier work, was directed. What I know is this: Girl Meets God, resonated with these words of prayer are among the honesty even though it lacked most basic words he knows. When he (to this reviewer) the balance that has forgotten everything else, these participants in interfaith relation• words are the words he will have. ships strive toward when determin• Those words have formed his heart ing how cradle religions can be and—regardless of what he feels or viewed within the context of an remembers on any particular interfaith marriage. morning—they continue to form his heart still." However, Winner's second work, Mudhouse Sabbath, should find its Winner describes her personal way to the coffee tables, nightstands, observations by adding: "The book and hands of anyone interested in grew out of my sense that Christians reading a parallel commentary that have a tremendous amount to learn addresses essential elements of from Jewish communities about the Judaism and Christianity. Winner choreography of spiritual practice. selects eleven core concepts of the Observing the Sabbath, mourning, Jewish religion (ranging from praying—these are paths to the God Shabbat/Sabbath to mourning) of Israel that both Jews and Chris• and presents an easy to understand tians travel. But they are all practices explanation of each within not only that Jewish communities, in my Carol Weiss Rubel is an educator a religious but also a cultural context. experience, do better. They are places who holds a bachelor's degree in where Christians have something to Juxtaposed with this is a thoughtful English and advanced degrees in learn from Jews about attending to and lucid commentary that explains English and education. A community God." and expands the core Judaic concept activist, her creative approach to into a Christian context. For ex• This work, in acknowledging the problem solving has resulted in the ample, while ruminating about the tremendous debt that Christianity owes to the foundation religion, also formation of an alternative high concept of prayer. Winner observes: "Jewish prayer is essentially book speaks eloquently tc the fact that school program for at-risk teens prayer, liturgical prayer. Jews say the over five thousand years of practice (Scranton City School District, same set prayers, at the same fixed have perfected (to some degree, at Pennsylvania) which has been hours, over and over, every day. least) many of the daily rituals presented as a national level. A There is, to be sure, room for associated with the practice of spontaneous prayer (think of Tevye's rehgion. resource and motivational speaker, off-the-cuff conversations with God Mudhouse Sabbath is as enjoyable as Carol embraces colla-boration as in Fiddler on the Roof), but those it is illuminating and as enriching as the optimal problem-solving model spontaneous prayers are to the it is engaging. In fact, couples might in professional and personal venues. liturgy what grace notes are to a decide to read segments of it as a musical score: they decorate, but Carol Weiss Rubel is the adult child base for weekly discussion as they never drown out, the central theme. seek to navigate the sometimes of an interfaith marriage; she is a Did [a Christian] understand the turbulent waters of interfaith practicing Roman Catholic married propositions he was asserting in the relationships. While there is (at least to an observant Conservative Jew. Creed? Maybe not, but then on many not yet!) no absolute compass for days, I don't understand them either. that journey, this work is a sound I don't know whether he could have navigational tool. P July/August 2004 page 10 by Susanna Stefanachi IVIacomb t was Emerson who coined the of all children born to an Asian or Rev. Susanna Stefanachi f\/lacomb phrase "unity in diversity." To be Pacific Islander parent also have a is an ordained interfaith minister open to diversity in general is a non-Asian or non-Pacific Islander I She counsels and supports people very good first step. However, it parent. The number of Japanese- seems to me that unity in diversity American children being born today from a wide array of faith and is the greater call and aim. Most who have one non-Japanese parent cultural backgrounds. She has been societies are intrinsically tribal and jumped to 60 percent in recent years. featured in such magazines and segregated; however, our world is Here we have come a long way from newspapers as Modern Bride, For getting smaller by the minute. World War II when we placed those Inevitably, people of different of Japanese heritage in internment the Bride, Bridal Guide, Elegant backgrounds come to know one camps. Bride, Martha Stewart Weddings, another, especially in the world's New York Magazine, The Readers As an interfaith minister, I have had great multicultural epicenters, our the privilege of working with people Digest, Time, Publisher's Weekly, major urban cities. from an amazing variety of back• The Dallas Morning News, The grounds. Increasingly exposed to Statistics show that approximately Florida Sun Times, Aims Magazine, a third of all new marriages now their teachings, their followers, and and other local and interfaith taking place in the U.S. are intermar• their rituals, I learn more and more riages—that is interfaith, intercul• of the transcendence of this glorious publications. She has appeared on tural, or interracial in nature. A 2001 universe. After all, the essence of each national and local television, and is tradition is alight with the same fire. survey by the Graduate Center at the a speaker at commercial conven• City University of New York shows It is the lamps that are different. tions and educational seminars. She that 29 million American couples (married or not) live in mixed- The Challenge of Blending is the author of Joining Hands and religion homes. One survey, accord• Different Cultures Hearts: Interfaith, Intercultural ing to the New York Times, finds that I counsel blended families, especially Wedding Celebrations (Fireside, 40 percent of Americans had dated through life's major rites of passage. 2003). Susanna Macomb is also an someone of another race. Over 40 My book Joining Hands and Hearts percent of marriage-age Catholics artist whose paintings have been deals with the topic of intermarriage. marry outside the Church, a dou• exhibited at Union Theological With regard to intermarriage, I have bling since the 1960s. Three in ten worked with some of the most Seminary and other spiritual and Mormons are now in interfaith challenging situations. For example, cultural centers internationally marriages. One in three Episcopa• I joined an elite upper-class Southern lians and one in four Lutherans have She lives in New York City with debutante with a middle-class married outside their churches. The her husband and son. African-American from the north; Greek Orthodox Archdiocese of her father refused to walk her down America reports that two-thirds of the aisle—until he and his wife spent its marriages are interfaith. The some time talking with me. I spent number of Jewish-Christian couples months counseling a Palestinian doubled to one million during the Muslim and an American Jew who 1990s. Four in ten Mushms are had fallen in love. Unfortunately, choosing non-Muslim spouses. The their families did not share in their intermarriage rate approaches sixty happiness (to put it mildly). Then percent for Buddhists, the fastest- as fate would have it, one of them growing Eastern religion in the barely survived 9/11. After that they United States. A ten-year-old statistic said to me, "We now know what is regarding intermarriage in Hinduism important in life. Will you marry states that 5 percent of Hindus live in us?" interfaith households. Forty percent July/August 2004 page 11 Dovetail I have celebrated many unions where of life. Others fear that the present As a non-Asian, I may not be able to there existed anywhere from four to majority will become the minority. completely understand the frustra• seven cultures between them. In my Still others simply fear what they tion of all the stereotyping—the book I shared the story of Chante don't know. Fear breeds all the many assumptions that people often and Judah, who between them have "isms," racism, sexism, "religion• make about Asians—but I can listen an African-American, Native ism," classism, ageism, and so on. and learn. For example, one Chinese- American, French, Polish, Russian, American high school student told We need to rise up, examine, and Catholic, Baptist, Jewish, Sufi, and me that he was sick and tired of face our fears. We all have fears, Rasta heritage. Ten traditions, ten everyone assuming that he was prejudices, and biases. Be wary of times blessed! Someone once good at math. He wasn't; he was those who say they do not! What can compared my office studio to a U.N. more inclined towards the arts. A we do as individuals? We can speak outpost. And sometimes it certainly man of Korean heritage told me that out when we see any of the "isms" feels that way. I consider this work he resented how many non-Asian spreading. We can reach out and a gift. I revel in the symphony of women somehow perceived him as learn another's point of view and mankind's colors, textures, and somehow being less sexual than way of life. We can participate traditions. Caucasian, African-American, or joyously. And we can practice Latin men. Stereotyping is a form empathy. Empathy is a powerful However, I won't lie to you by of racism. The key is to be aware. tool. saying that it's easy work. One of Be alert when you are doing it. my favorite stories was told to me As a white person, I may never Then slowly we will be able to stop. by a Methodist minister from the understand what it means to be Midwest. He was to co-officiate with As a non-Muslim, I may not be able a rabbi for an interfaith, intercultural a black person with a history of to fully grasp what it means to be a wedding ceremony. They both brutal, demoralizing slavery where Muslim living in America today, but showed up at a scheduled meeting my people were told by white people I can try. I may not have to face looks between the two families. The that we were less than human- but of fear, distrust, anger, or sneers and meeting was so acrimonious that I can try. I can study African- comments from neighbors who look afterwards the rabbi turned to the American history, read books, at me, my family, and my friends and minister and said, "You do the watch documentaries. I can look at see nothing but terrorists. How many ceremony, and I'll pray for you!" the horrors of what was done and of us are willing to take the time or face it head on. I can examine my energy to learn about this religion Sometimes I refer to my studio office own guilt and fear. I can look at the that brings peace to over one billion as the crying room. For I have also racism that still goes on today— of our world neighbors? We must try. counseled many young folks who including subtle racism. This takes So much fear is dispelled when we were disowned by their parents for courage. get to know one another through marrying someone of a different Raised as a Christian, I may never be open dialogue and active listening. color or faith. I have seen relation• able to understand what it means to ships fall apart because of external Huston Smith once wrote, "Those be a Jew. What does it mean to live family pressures brought to bear on who listen, listen for peace." It takes knowing that humanity turned their the intermarriage issue. Having said a quality of heart to want that. It heads and collaborated in a heinous that, I have seen many more relation• takes love and compassion to revel in genocide upon my people? But I can ships in which love has conquered. the fullness and beauty of humanity's try. I can study the history of mosaic. That seems to me to be the pogroms, of the Holocaust. I can Finding the Unity in great call. Humanity has made listen to the stories told by Holocaust Diversity tremendous progress. I, for one, survivors. And I can look squarely rejoice in that progress, but I Some people see this ever-increasing into today's face of anti-Semitism. recognize that we still have a long diversity as a cause of alarm. They I can, at the very least, try. way to go. ^ feel that they are losing their way July/August 2004 page 12 Rejoice in Your Choice: What people fan Finding Common Ground about the first three | in Interfaith Families Dovetail Conferences August 6-8, 2004 Location: Pacific School of Religion fantastic 1798 Scenic Avenue, Berkeley, CA 94709 Closest airport: Oaidand (San Francisco and San Jose also possible) experience PROGRAM TOPIC AREAS a natural spring in Making Choices • Weddings • Baby-Welcoming • Choices for Children • Jewish the ... desert Values in Interfaith Relationships • Marriage Wisdom Implementing Choices • Building Local Interfaith Communities • Interfaith Education • Coming of Age • Learning from Interfaith Children • Myths about 'i1ie spirit and Intermarriage Spirituality/Deepening Relationships • Create Your Family Vision (see below) • Create a Successful Interfaith Relationship • Forming Your Family • Spirituality Scholarship and Practice • Intermarriage and Conservative Judaism • Jesus and Judaism • Death and Dying • Early Christian Practice • Intermarriage in the Bible We Have " Local Resources and More • Interfaith Identity on the College Campus • SF Bay ,\rea Resources: Institutions • SF Bay Area Resources: Jewish Education • Creat• ing Interfaith Services A Tool Kit' You'll meet people in situations like yours, whether you're engaged, raising a young family, living with older children, dealing with the empty nest, finding for Life your way as grandparents in an interfaith family, or a professional counseling interfaith couples. - , / - - . Create Your Family VisionJThis two-part couples' session with Ina Albert, APR and Rabbi Allen Secher will involve intensive written and verbal exercises. Parti' What is our vision? How do we find it? • What are the qualities of success• soul' '•'^''-'"^""'•''''^^ ful families? Partll • What events from the past shape my family relationships? • Visions for the future. Space is limited; preregistration required. stretched Checic here to sign up as a couple for this double session (Sat & Sun. am): Mail form to 775 Simon Greenwell Ln., Boston, KY 40107 or call 800-530-1596 or register on-line at www.dovetailinstitute.org. Call or visit website for complete schedule. MEMBERSHIP/SUBSCRIPTION Membership dues (in addition to existing subscription . Subscription and membership renewal: $59.95 DONATION: Contributor $25 Supporter $100 . Conference Underwriter $1000 Conference Angel $2000+ . Designate my donation for the Roberts Fund I wish my donation to be anonymous CONFERENCE REGISTRATION Name: Address: City: State: Zip: Phone: Fax: E-mail: TOTAL PAYMENT Check all that apply. $225 Non-member rate (all rates per person) $212 Member rate Group rate additional 10% discount. Payment in full required to process your registration. Check Enclosed. Amount: No.: MC Visa AmEx Disc. Exp: Cardholder's Name: Card Number: Total amounts July/August 2004 page 13 ^Dovetail Index to Volume 12 Issue, Page Issue, Page Issue, Page Ahmann, Liz 2,7; 2,11 [ Levin, Jack 6,9 Potter, Julie 3,11 Aron, Melanie 5,3 Littman, Joan Peterson, and Kerry Rhodes, Roberta Pantal 4,7 Bible, the Jews, and the Death M. Olitzky, Making a Successful Robins, Lottie 2,3 of Jesus, The (Review) 5,11 Jewish Interfaith Marriage Rosenbaum, Mary Helene 2,12; 6,3 Brandon, Emily 2,5 (Review) 1,9 '. Rosenbaum, Stanley Ned 3,7; 5,9 Christmas Presence (CD Review) 2,9 Macomb, Susanna Stefanichi 6,11 Rubel, Carol Weiss 1,7; 1,9; Christmas Tapestry, by Patricia Making a Successful Jewish Interfaith 2,9; 4,3; Polacco (Review) 2,11 Marriage by Kerry M. Olitzky with 4,9; 6,11 Cohen, Nancy Nutting 3,3 Joan Peterson Littman (Review) 1,9 Schwartz, Hillel 3,10 Crowther, Hillary 2,15 Marty, Martin E. 1,5 Secher, Allen 1,12 Davis, Irene 6,5 Millman, Laura 5,7 Shapiro, Julie Ann 5,6 Encyclopedia of Christmas and Mitchell, Stephen, and Robert Hass, Shemanski, Jim 5,11 New Year's Celebrations, Tanya Into the Garden {ReYiew) 1,12 Shenker, Lois Sussman, Welcome Gulevich, ed. (Review) 2,12 Mudhouse Sabbath, by Lauren to the Family! (Review) 5,15 Girl Meets God, by Lauren Winner (Review) 6,10 ' Steinfels, Peter, A People Adrift Winner (Review) 1,7 Myers, James E., ed., A Treasury of (Review) 1,5 Gluckstein, Maran Beth 5,15 Religious Humor (Re-vkw) 1,11 Taylor, Niki 1,11 Gulevich, Tanya, ed.. Encyclo• Nathan, Joan, Jewish Cooking in Tenner, Steve 3,5 pedia of Christmas and New America (Review) 4,9 Treasury of Religious Humor, A, Year's Celebrations 2,12 Olitzky, Kerry M., and Joan Peterson James E. Myers, ed. (Review) 1,11 Hass, Robert, & Stephen Mitchell LittmarL, Making a Successful Jewish Trees of the Dancing Goats, The, by Into the Garden (Review) 1,12 Interfaith Marriage {Revievi) 1,9 Patricia Polacco (Review) 2,11 Into the Garden, by Robert Hass Oppenheim, Mitzi 2,6 Trevens, Francine L. 1,7 & Stephen Mitchell (Review) 1,12 Paldino, Lisa Jean 1,15 Voss, Sarah 1,3 Jewish Cooking in America, by People Adrift, A, by Peter Steinfels \ Welcome to the Family! by Lois Joan Nathan (Review) 4,9 [ (Review) 1,5 Sussman Shenker (Review) 5,15 Joel, J. A. 4,5 Polacco, Patricia, Trees of the Dancing Winner, Lauren, Girl Meets God Kovacs, Patty 4,13 Goats and Christmas Tapestry (Review); Mudhouse Sabbath Koziar, Peter 5,14 (Review) 2,11 (Review) 1,7; 6,11 Use separate sheets for each person responding. Fold on dotted line below, tape closed, and add stamp. Post Office will not deliver mail without proper postage Dovetail Institute for Interfaith Family Resources 775 Simon Greenwell Ln. Boston, KY 40107 July/August 2004 page 14 Please note: Dovetail does not interview Bulletin Board or investigate groups listed here. Interfaith Support Around the Nation Illinois, Chicago metropolitan area* To be listed as a contact person for a group, New York, NYC Greater Metropolitan Area* Jewish-Catholic Couples' Dialogue Group. or if you are seeking to join or form a group, InterfaithCommunity.Inc. Abbe & Dan Josephs, (708) 660-9503, or please send information to: Manhattan, Westchester, Orange/Rockland. Patty & David Kovacs (773) 275-5689 Sheila Gordon (212) 870-2544 Dan Josephs Indiana, Bloomington [email protected] 1175 S. Euclid Avenue, Oak Park JL 60304 Mutifaith couples group. Bill & www.interfaithcommunity.org Tel: (708) 660-9503; Fax: (630) 574-8089 Diana Harwood (812) 323-7519 New York, Rochester EMail: [email protected] [email protected] Interfaith Connection, JCC. Michele Ruda Leve, C.S.W. (585) 461-2000, x 232 Dan is one of the founders and coordinators Louisiana, New Orleans Courtney Nathan, Jewish Family Services. of the Chicago Jewish Catholic Couples Group. Ohio, Cincinnati* (504)831-8475 We look forward to hearing from you. Christine M. Segal (513) 793-2866 Maryland, Baltimore Ohio, Columbus Jacqi Ashkin, Jewish Family Services Gateways: The Jewish Interfaith Connection California, Sacramento 6 Park Center Court, Suite 203 Carol Folkerth (614) 231-2731 Interfaith Discussion Group. Owings Mills, MD 21117 • Dale Kasler & Twila Morris (410) 356-8383, X 351 Ohio, Dayton (916) 492-2815 Jewish Interfaith Network: Interfaith group. Maryland, Rockville Tonda Learner (937) 853-0372 California, San Francisco Bay Area* JCC of Greater Washington, DC. Tracey Alicia Torre (650) 474-0644 Dorfman, Director (301) 881-0100, x 6762 Pennsylvania, Philadelphia Area Jewish Converts & Interfaith Network. California, San Francisco Bay Area* Massachusetts, Boston* Lena Romanoff, Dir. (610) 664-8112 Interfaith Connection Groups, fielena Adina Davidson & Joel Nitzberg (617) 776-3235 McMahon, Director (415) 292-1252 Pennsylvania, Philadelphia Michigan, Ann Arbor Faithways, JFCS of Greater Philadelphia. California, San Diego Area and Colorado* Jewbilation: Jewish Roots with Interfaith R. Rayzel Raphael (215) 540-3737. (also Belize) Wings. Lauren Zinn (734) 996-3524; Seven Blessings Seminars: Connecting Soul www.jewbilation.org Tennessee, Memphis* Mates. R. Shelly Moss (970) 532-3396 Jan and David Kaplan (901) 767-4267 Minnesota, Minneapolis* Colorado, Denver* Joan Cleary and Jerry Helfand (651) 698-7987 Texas, Houston Interfaith Community of Denver. Stepping Stones to a Jewish Me Minnesota, Minneapolis (303) 320-6637 5601 S.Braeswood, Houston, TX 77096 Jewish FCS of Minneapolis. Barbara Rudnick or [email protected] 713-729-3200, x 3257 Rabbi Eve Ben-Ora or Missouri, St. Louis area* 3197 Barbara Shepard Colorado, Denver Joanne and Larry Eisenman (314) 918-7992 Stepping Stones: Jewish identification. Virginia, Northern Virginia area Stacey Delcau (303) 554-5854 New Jersey, Bergen Co. Cong. Beth Emeth. Judi Cloutier, Outreach Coordinator (703) 860-4515, x 142 Connecticut, Hamden Lani Martin (201) 891-1818 Stepping Stones to a Jewish Me. New Jersey, Hasbrouck Heights Wisconsin, Milwaukee (203)288-3877 Temple Beth Elohim: Welcomes non-Jews. Interfaith Connection, JCC of Milwaukee: Joyce Gutzke, IF Coord. (414) 967-8215 District of Columbia, Greater Washington * R. Fredric S. Dworkin (201) 744-3304 Interfaith Families Project. New Jersey, West Orange Israel* Susan Ryder (301) 270-6337 Jewish Community Center. Call 800-530-1596 for contact info. District of Columbia, Greater Washington * Lynne Wolfe (973) 736-3200, x 233 LTnited Kingdom* Jewish Catholic Family Network. New Mexico, Albuquerque Rosalind Birtwistle (44) 01234 261 775 Eve Edwards (703) 893-4447 Archdiocese of Santa Fe Ecumenical Office. Interfaith couples in the following cities Brenda Benesch (703) 528-2016 Father Ernest Falardeau or Heddy Long, would like to talk with or meet other Patrice Thomas (301) 299-6821 Family Life Office. [email protected] interfaith couples: http://mywebpages.comcast.net/ New York, Albany Area Orlando, FL jcfamilynetwork Marie or Rob Dropkin (518) 439-3732 DesMoines, lA District of Columbia, Greater Washington New York, Long Island Indianapolis, IN Bethesda Jewish Congregation Long Island Havurah for Humanistic Judaism W. Bloomfield area, MI welcomes interfaith families. Leonard Cherlin (516) 889-8337 Lincoln, NE Cleveland, OH Hazzan Sunny Schnitzer (301) 469-8636 New York, Long Island/Suffolk County* Oklahoma City, OK Georgia, Atlanta area* Eileen Horowitz (516) 345-0095. Elkins Park, PA Staci & Aaron Melton forming group. New York, New York City Madison, WI 404-636-8160 or [email protected] Temple of Universal Judaism. To network, please contact us at * Group not sponsored by a religious www.tuj.org (212) 535-0187 [email protected] or (800) 530-1596 institution. July/August 2004 page 15 The Perfect Keepsake for Interfaith Coupler Daisy Cliuppah 16" X 20" Premium textured art paper 11" X 13" Hand-crafted aaeo parchment Calligraphy available. Calligraphy & Gildmq available. For the first time a Ketubah, a Hebrew marriage covenent, is available in language especially suited to interfaith couples. Please send me a full The Poetic and egalitarian style clearly expresses an color brochure. Interfaith couple's commitment to respect each other's heritage. It Is a beautiful art piece, witnessing the bride and Please send me a ketubah. groom's promise to love and honor one another. Enclosed is S125 for each ketubah + $15 shipping and handling. (IL residents add 9% sales tax). GOOD www.agoodcompany.com interftheaol.com Gall for Gilding & Calligraphy pricing. (312)913-9193 Non-Profit U.S. Postage PAID Permit #1040 ^ J DovetaiA Journal by and for Jewish/Christian Fanniliels Leesburg, FL 775 Simon Greenwell Lane 34748 Boston, KY 40107 ADDRESS SERVICE REQUESTED printed on recycled pap-e: