0) Looking Back, Moving Forward: CD Dovetail's First Ten Years From Joan C. Hawxhurst, I remember having tea in a fancy midtown restaurant with Lee CD Dovetail's founding editor: "+-» Gruzen, author of Raising Your en years ago this month, Jewish/CJtristian Child* (which had I mailed the first issue of a profound influence on me), and TDovetail to about 200 charter being struck by her passion and the subscribers. It was thinner and less playful sparkle in her eye. I remem• pleasing to the eye than the issue you ber sitting nervously in Egon Mayer's hold in your hand today, but just as office at the Jewish Outreach full of spirit and conviction. As I Institute, being very aware of the stuck on that original set of mailing weighty impof^nce of his sociologi• 0 labels and breathed in the distinctive cal sjjud^ unVl\d that he smell of printers' ink for the first was respectful of my idea, and could time, I felt like a midwife helping see withjjne the gap in services for a new life be born. 0naffflia|ed interfaith couples.
This baby has gro\vij>i«dfd«j'efeR^^ j YUpent a night with Susan Gertz, CD along with my tw^iologidal^v 'i}^ author of Hanukicah and Christmas childreru.«6w^ld 4, and 1 ke tRm at My House, * tMC-ffi-st ia^pendently has beeiipurtur^^ ma^wonder- [ .published children's book for ful and cc^mittM souls along the^^v^ jnterfaith kids.; Her children, for way. Like : s, it is much less j^r^^t ^wb j$he wrote the story, were CD dependent on me than it was injtejO^ • 'dent and articulate, modeling infancy, and I am grateful for the for me the possibility of secure and village—editorial board membersV - well-adjusted interfaith kids. I visited subscribers, donors, amji>ehind-the- with Leslie Goodman-Malamuth, scenes supporters—tffif is raising coauthor of Between Two Worlds, and this child. was deeply moved by her stories of growing up in an interfaith family Dovetail was conceived during my and eventually founding a national first year of marriage. Steve had been organization for "parevehs" (those raised in a Conservative Jewish neither milk nor meat): adult home, and I came from a long line children of interfaith famiUes. of professional Protestants (mission• aries, pastors, and deacons). As we planned our wedding and talked In This Issue about children, I searched in vain A New Agenda 3 for open-minded resources and Prayers For 9/11 4 networks of other families, and Surviving to Planning 5 began to believe that there was a gaping hole in the literature. I found From Downstream 8 a handful of books, some helpful and Personal Milestones 9 some didactic, and a few isolated Tides of Change 13 local interfaith groups. After talking Fruits of the Journey 15 it over with my husband and with Bulletin Board 16 other interfaith couples, I decided to do a fact-finding mission to see what God's Greater Unity 17 people in the field thought about the A New Direction 18 need for a new kind of publication. Moving Forward 19
Volume 11, Number 1 September/October 2002 Dovetail
I met with the authors of Happily husband and I are in fact raising flows with the changing tide of each Intermarried: Rabbi Roy Rosenberg, Jewish children in a Jewish home. couple's life cycle. Our services are Father Peter Meehan, and Reverend Within the supportive Dovetail needed desperately at times, then less John Payne (NY: MacMillan, 1989), community, we were able to explore urgently as couples set their own and enjoyed their sparring banter as the possibilities, talk about the tough course and navigate through waters they recounted their experiences in issues, and come to our own mutu• that have been charted but not fully the intermarriage debate. 1 was ally acceptable solution. To me, that explored. Sometimes a couple needs welcomed by two interfaith commu• is the essence of Dovetail: Our a life raft, sometimes a compass or a nities in Connecticut, one indepen• mission is not to decide right or tugboat, sometimes a wave of the dent and one synagogue-based, and wrong, not to steer couples toward hand when they reach the shore— saw firsthand the strength that any particular decision, but to Dovetail has been all of these things couples felt when they were buoyed provide couples with the tools and for thousands of interfaith couples by the support of others. information they need to make their over the years. own best choice. The absence of an The idea for an independent and Now, it is with a midwife's mixture across-the-board, clear-cut right non-judgmental periodical that of pride and humility that I watch an choice makes for a messy, emotional would include a wide range of exuberant, confident Dovetail enter process, but when couples take experiences and opinions about adolescence under its competent and the time to ask themselves the hard interfaith family life was born of energetic current editor, Mary questions and struggle through the my own experience in a synagogue Rosenbaum, who is fond of saying challenging emotions, they emerge interfaith couples' group, where all (with regard to burgeoning support confident in their decision and ready participants were steered firmly, if for the Dovetail Institute), "A rising to help their children develop healthy surreptitiously, toward the decision tide lifts all boats." So, as we prepare spiritual lives. to create a Jewish home and raise (as I write) to gather on the shore of Jewish children. Every time I tried As I reflect on the roots of Dovetail, Lake Michigan, I envision our third to ask about other options, or to talk I realize that many of the people who national conference as one final about a resource with a different inspired and supported our organi• water metaphor, that of an efferves• perspective (such as Lee Gruzen's zation in its early years have moved cent spring from which we can all book), the facilitator changed the on, turning their attention and their drink for refreshment and fill our subject. As the Christian partner, I passion in other directions now that vessels for the journey ahead. May felt excluded and faintly disrespected. their own interfaith choices have Dovetail help you on the way for at been made. That's how it is with least another decade! ^ A beautiful irony of my journey with Dovetail—our network ebbs and Dovetail is that, a decade later, my *Titles available through Dovetail at 800-530-1596 or www.dovetailinstitute.org.
Dovetail's mission is to provide a channel Dovetail (ISSN 1062-7359) is published of communication for interfaith couples, their bimonthly (6 times per year) by: The Dovetail Dovetail's Staff parents, and their children. No matter what Institute for Interfaith Family Resources, their specific choices regarding faith for their 775 Simon Greenwell Ln., Boston, KY 40107; home and children, the more interfaith tel 800-530-1596; fax 502-549-3543; families can share their ideas, experiences, Email [email protected]. Mary Helene Rosenbaum resources, and support, the more they can Editor make peace in their homes and communities. A one-year subscription is available for Jewish and Christian perspectives can dovetail. $29.95 from the above address. International subscriptions are $35.00. Single issues are Believing that there are no definitive answers to Dr. Silvine Farnell available for $5.50 each. (Michigan residents the questions facing interfaith families, Dovetail please add 6% sales tax on back issue orders.) Associate Editor strives to be open to all ideas and opinions. Editorial content attempts to balance and respect Dovetail welcomes article submissions the perspectives of both Jewish and Christian (query or completed manuscript), letters Joan C. Hawxhurst, M.A. partners in interfaith marriages, as well to the editor, and comments or suggestions. Send to M. H. Rosenbaum, Editor, at the Founding Editor as the diverse perspectives of parents and children of interfaith couples. Inclusion above address. in Dovetail does not imply endorsement. Copyright © 2002 by Dovetail accepts a thoughtful and constructive William D. Rosenbaum The Dovetail Institute for discussion of all related issues in the Letters to Design Consultant Interfaith Family Resources. the Editor section, and reserves the right to reply. All rights reserved.
September/October 2002 page 2 Jewish Outreach: A New Agenda by Egon Mayer
ore than fifty years ago, Growing Sensitivity Egon Mayer, Ph.D., is currently there were two pieces of Professor of Sociology at Brooklyn Since the pubhcation of the 1990 conventional wisdom M National Jewish Population Survey College, Brooklyn. N.Y. Dr Mayer, about interfaith marriage: one (NJPS 1990), the Jewish community who was a plenary speaker at the applied to American society in has become far more attuned and general, the other to the Jewish Dovetail Institute's second national sensitive to the realities of interfaith community within it. The broadly conference in 2000, is the author of family life. This greater sensitivity applied view was that intermarriage has resulted from a number of a number of studies and books on was the flame under the melting pot. developments. First, the bare facts of intermarriage, including It produced the dynamic force that NJPS 1990 drove home the point would make real the motto im• Intermarriage and the Jewish that among the youngest marriage printed on our coinage: epluribus Future, Children of Intermarriage. cohort the incidence of intermar• unum ["from many, one"]. That riage is no longer a minority phe• Conversion of the Intermarried, view, when applied to the American nomenon. The majority of young Rabbinic Officiation and Jewish community, saw in intermar• Jews were (and are) marrying riage—as one rabbi put it—"the last Intermarriage, and the widely someone who is not Jewish. Second, nail in the coffin of Jewish assimila• acclaimed book. Love & Tradition: NJPS 1990 drove home the point tion." Common to both views was a that lamenting this fact or excoriat• Marriage between Jews & tendency to see interfaith marriages ing the families who are producing Christians. Dr Mayer's first in what we sociologists call the this fact will do nothing to lessen it. macro-social perspective. In that article for Dovetail, "More than perspective, interfaith marriage is The statistical findings of NJPS and Just a Number: Statistics on Inter• seen not for itself, but for what it the realities of modern American marriage, " appeared in its very represents to some larger entity. Jewish famOy life they illuminated first issue. Volume If I, August/ triggered an outpouring of new To be sure, all personal behavior, September 1992, and was continued initiatives within the Jewish commu• especially behavior that results in the nity to deal with interfaith families in in the next two issues. formation of enduring couples and an entirely new way. Rather than families, has consequences for the seeing in them merely the specter of shape, character, and values of the a much feared future, the new larger society. But such consequences initiatives (broadly described as are only probabilistic. They are "outreach") began to view and treat possibilities, potentialities, shaped individuals, couples, and families as by a wide variety of often unforeseen entities in their own right, on their circumstances. Yet, when the behav• own terms. ior of individuals is seen largely— not to say exclusively—for what its New Possibilities consequences might be, such behavior and the individuals engaged Over the past decade, the organized in it become miscast, misunderstood, Jewish community and a broad array and often mistreated beyond reason. of independent Jewish philanthropic That has certainly been the case of family foundations have poured interfaith marriage, when viewed millions of dollars into programs, either as the harbinger of the planned events, and experiences that fulfillment of the American dream or would convey to interfaith couples the materialization of the American- the new collective agenda: to build Jewish nightmare. bridges rather than walls, to find new ways of inclusion rather than repeat
September/October 2002 page 3 Dovetail
... to build bridges rather old formulae of exclusion, and in For now, we can only say that the general to provide interfaith couples new approach has certainly lessened than walls, to find new no less than any other family with the anger and the pain that have so ways of inclusion... on opportunities to participate in the often accompanied the interfaith life of the Jewish community on marriage experience in Jewish life terms that make the most terms that make the most sense to in the past. One can only hope and sense to themselves. themselves. believe that the lessening of anger and pain in the lives of individual How this new approach to inter• families will surely have nothing but faith marriages and the individuals a beneficial effect on the life of the engaged in them will affect either community as a whole. American society or the Jewish community remains to be seen.
Prayers From the Deeper Wound For the Anniversary of September 11 by Donna Schaper
For time to think For spiritual cartilage For people who hate hope yielded to our despair, heal us. Turn us around. Sabbath us, O God, and Our hearts are scabbed; Grant that we learn to love Turn us towards you. And let bring us solitude sufficient our knees have lost their our enemies and that they our turning predict the end to our security. cartilage, we're not sure we learn to love us. Heal the to war and beginning of Clarify our thoughts and can take much more and yet hatred that is heart deep for peace. Amen. our feelings: let us make we know more may come. so many. And grant us true sense to us again. Let us Give us enough healing to peace, the kind that comes For steadiness know what it is that will go on—and encourage us in when fear is overcome. Our hands shake and we feel never be the same again. small, simple ways. Amen. Amen. And grant us thy peace, the rush of adrenaline in our anyway. Amen. Benefits now, cost later Wounds heal slow veins. We don't know when the shaking will stop or Send me up stream, O God. For patience we pray, O For those worse off than we when it will start up again. Keep me from wanting all God. Where our hearts are Words don't come, thoughts We pray for compassion, for my benefits now, all my costs black and blue for the hurt are fuzzy. We want yesterday empathy, and for hearts that later. Let me stay active and of fallen buildings and back, and it won't come. stay open to those in worse keep me from reactivity. Let downed innocent people, Steady us, God. Steady us. need than we are. For all me do what I can about heal us. Where our knees are Amen. those whose lives were what I can today. Let me dirty from praying long and ripped away. For all those worry about what 1 can hard and still not under• who have faced rubble with control and not worry about standing, raise us up and courage. For all who remain what I can't control. Stick heal us. Where our confes• afraid. Grant them and us with me and help me stick sion has edged out our your peace. Amen with my life, as a person and clarity, our doubt played a patriot. Amen havoc with our faith and our
Rev. Donna Schaperis an intermarried United Church of Christ minister in Coral Gables, Florida. Her most recent book is Raising Interfaith Children: Spiritual Orphans or Spiritual Heirs? (NY: Crossroad, 1999).
September/October 2002 page 4 From Surviving Day to Day to Planning for the Future by Daniel Josephs
s of this November, my wife discussions were about dealing with In addition to his work with the Abbe and I will have been families. We were truly a support Chicago Catholic Jewish Couples .married nineteen years. We group, just exchanging experiences Group—the largest in the country— are two of the founders of the and horror stories. Chicago Jewish Catholic Couples' and with Dovetail, Daniel Josephs, As more couples joined the group, Dialogue Group, which is in its Esq., is currently assistant director of we heard new horror stories. It was fifteenth year. Over the past twenty not uncommon to hear about a development of Franciscan Outreach years as a Jewish/Catholic couple, Jewish family sitting shiva (going Association, which operates a and through our involvement in the into mourning) for a child who was Chicago group and with Dovetail, homeless shelter and a soup kitchen marrying somebody not Jewish. Abbe and I have seen an evolution every evening of the year. He and his Less drastically, we were often told of in the life experience of interfaith family members' threats not to come wife. Abbe Josephs, who are couples. to the wedding in protest. Thank• members of the DI-IFR advisory I was the first non-Jew to marry into fully, most of these threats were not board, co-authored the article, my wife's extended family (aunts, fulfilled. (On the other hand, there "Chicago's Jewish-Catholic Couples uncles, cousins, and so on), not just was once an incident when a parent the first in her immediate family. not only did not come to the Dialogue Group," in Dovetail's 1 was the first of four sons to get wedding but actually called in a Volume I #6, June/July 1993, issue married in my family. We were bomb threat to the reception hall.) with David and Patty Kovacs. breaking down some tough barriers, and it was not easy to do. We felt we Ten years ago, with much trepida• were all alone. tion, we scheduled a meeting for parents of interfaith couples. Luckily When we were engaged, we had only for us, only a couple of parents seen one Jewish/Catholic wedding showed up, and they were supportive ceremony, from which we only of their children. But those parents learned what not to do. After much who most needed to be there did not conflict between the families, this come. In recent years we have had couple's wedding ceremony lasted parents attending regular meetings, only three minutes. We learned that not to complain about the interfaith we, not our families, should prepare relationship, but because they're our wedding ceremony. Since we had interested in learning about what no idea how to do this, we searched their children are doing. books for information. As the years have passed, we have Finding Support heard fewer horror stories from couples in the group. I don't remem• After the wedding, we helped found ber hearing a story about a Jewish the Chicago Jewish Catholic Couples' family sitting shiva during the last Dialogue Group. At the first meeting five years. Family problems are rare there were ten couples. We were just as compared to ten or fifteen years very happy to find each other and to ago. realize that there were others like us facing some of the same issues. For IVIoderating Trends the first two years of our meetings, There are several reasons for the there were no specific topics. We talked mainly about surviving as decrease of family opposition to Jewish/Catholic couples. Most interfaith marriage. The number of
September/October 2002 page 5 Dovetail
such marriages has increased in both work of the national conferences. My Jewish and Christian communities. wife and I have presented programs Often, one of a couple's siblings or at each of the Dovetail conferences. HOW TO ORDER cousins has already married outside The first conference, in Carlisle, Pennsylvania, was similar to the first DOVETAIL: of his/her faith. Therefore, the new couples who come to the group have two years of our Chicago group in To place a credit card order for not had to break down the barriers that people were just very happy to meet other interfaith couples and your own or a gift subscription that we faced twenty years ago. In realize they were not alone. Family to Dovetail, please call fact, some of the younger couples have parents who grew up in an issues dominated many of the 800-530-1596. To order by mail, interfaith home themselves. informal discussions going on at the send your check for $29.95, conference. Because of the confer• made payable to DI-IFR, to: The primary concern of the parents ence, people gained the realization is no longer the continuation of the that it was possible to be a Jewish/ DI-IFR Jewish people or the Christian faith, Christian family and to do it well. 775 Simon Greenwell Ln. but the stability and happiness of the family relationship. Whereas Abbe At the next conference, in Louisville, Boston, KY 40107 and I had to keep our wedding Kentucky, the participants tried to ceremony a secret, parents of the tackle the tough issues of interfaith Special Offer: Send $59.95 for engaged couples in our group want life, such as the rites of passage and a one-year membership in The to learn about the wedding ceremony the religious identities of their Dovetail Institute for Interfaith and their child's spouse's religion. children. Parents of children in Family Resources. This includes Most parents are willing to accept interfaith marriages also came to the a year's subscription to Dovetail, their child's spouse and their conference seeking knowledge and grandchildren, no matter what a 10% discount on conference assistance. I remember talking to one religion is practiced in the home. such couple; they seemed to be more fees and tape or transcript costs, at peace with their child's raising of and automatic inclusion on the As a result, the focus of our meetings their grandchildren. mailing list for free brochures has changed over the years. As a Since the first Dovetail conference, on interfaith topics. This sum group, we now target specific rites of passage of interfaith family life, such more independent (in the sense that also includes a $30 tax- as the engagement, the wedding, the they are not associated with a deductible donation to this non• baptism/baby naming of the child, religious institution) interfaith profit organization, and will help and the religious education of the couples' groups have come into us continue in our work of non- child. We also explore the holidays existence. Several years ago, when judgmental research and of both traditions and the origin and Walter Cronkite came to Chicago to do a story about religious trends, one education in Jewish/Christian meaning of the symbols behind the holidays. As a couple and as a group of his associates called me. His marriage. we constantly explore what it means associate told me that Mr. Cronkite Thank you for your support. to be a Jew and to be a Catholic, and was impressed with the Chicago what day-to-day life as an interfaith group but doubted that such a group couple looks like. We also have social could exist in New York City in the events for the group. As a commu• religious and political environment nity, we celebrate Passover each year. of the time. Currently there are two We also celebrate our one common independent interfaith groups and major holiday. Thanksgiving. one group sponsored by the Temple of Universal Judaism existing in the I have seen similar trends in Dove• New York City area. tail, especially through the frame•
September/October 2002 page 6 The Road Ahead of the rabbis who don't want to deal The primary concern of with interfaith couples is that the the parents is no longer These trends we have experienced community will lose the Jew and the as an interfaith family, within the children will not be Jewish. Through the continuation of the Chicago group, and as part of their rejection of interfaith couples, Jewish people or the Dovetail have been very supportive. they make their fear a reality. The We must, however, still remember rabbis who support interfaith Christian faith, but the that we are pioneers. I have been to couples save more Jews for Judaism stability and happiness several interfaith conferences of than those who don't. clergy, scholars, and religious leaders of the family relationship where there has been fruitful We also have to deal with the dialogue about interfaith issues. perception of religious leaders At these conferences 1 noticed the of both faiths that we are creating dialogue broke down when it came a new religion. At the most recent to being a Jewish/Christian couple. leadership meeting of the Chicago Living the interfaith life is a lot group, we wrestled with this percep• messier than having an interesting tion. We don't believe we are creating dialogue about theoretical interfaith another religion. As a group, our issues. philosophy has always been to be as faithful as possible to authentic I attended one such session about Catholicism and Judaism. We tell interfaith weddings at which a priest new members that our group tries began by saying he performed to help people remain Jewish or Catholic/Jewish wedding ceremonies Catholic but gain an understanding in order to save his job. According to of each other's faith. When people Roman Catholic canon law, as long come to us for religious services, as both partners go through the we refer them to certain Catholic dispensation procedures, a priest churches and Jewish temples that cannot refuse to marry the couple. will be accepting to interfaith This priest knew his duty under couples. This is why, outside of Roman Catholic canon law, but the Passover seder, we do not have I had expected him to be more interfaith services, except occasion• pastoral in his approach. Through ally to celebrate the American civil helping couples get married in holiday of Thanksgiving. different dioceses across the country, I have realized that many priests and It has been an interesting journey, dioceses probably need to be being interfaith pioneers involved reminded about what the Roman in the Chicago couples' group and Catholic canon law says about in Dovetail. The climate, at least Jewish/Catholic weddings. with respect to our families and friends, has become more accepting The majority of Jewish religious and even nurturing at times. We have movements (even the Reform just begun dealing with the outside movement) still disapprove of world, especially the established interfaith marriages. Thank goodness religions. This will most likely be the there are rabbis courageous enough job for our children's generation but to be pastoral to Jewish/Christian we hope we have laid a foundation couples, such as Rabbi Allen Secher on which they can build, p of Dovetail. One of the biggest fears
September/October 2002 page 7 Dovetail
Thoughts from Downstream by Evelyn Maxwell
t has been nine years since my providing services for a local nursing Dovetail's Editorial Icolumn appeared in one of the home once a month and urging the Advisory Board early issues. Since then both our seven local U.M. churches to work Jewish grandchildren have given us together more than we have in the Rabbi Dr. Arthur Blecher much pride in completing their Bar past. (I need to do some creative Licensed Professional Counselor, and Bat Mitzvah studies. It concerns thinking in this area! Creative Washington, D.C. me that, just as in our home Chris• thinking—another way of saying, "Be Nancy Nutting Cohen tian confirmation, children seem to open to the guidance of the Holy Founding Member, Twin Cities Interfaith think that they don't need to Spirit.") Support Group, Minneapolis, Mn. continue in study after passing this I also serve as a member of the local Dr. Eugene Fisher teen rite. Director of Catholic-Jewish Relations, Parish Nurse Alliance and the Salina National Conference of Catholic Bishops' Perhaps that should be the topic Area Human Resources Association, Secretariat for Ecumenical and Inter- of a table conversation sometime, or with the aim of creating greater religious Affairs and a member of the cooperation between churches and International Vatican-Jewish Liaison maybe not, since youth often resent Committee, Washington, D.C. direct instruction. Perhaps some agencies in our community. In late more general comments on the value 1993 I was elected to a four-year Rev. Betty Gamble term as city commissioner, of which Associate General Secretary, United Methodist we find personally in continuing General Commission on Christian Unity & daily study of the scriptures and one was served as mayor of the City Interreligious Concerns weekly meetings with a group of of Salina, Kansas. In 1997, my 250- page paperback book. At Eden's Gate: Rabbi Julie Greenberg Bible students would be more useful. Director, Jewish Renewal Life They are both in college now, and my Whole Health and Well-Being, was Center in Philadelphia, Pa. prayer is that they will align them• published by a local publisher. It selves with some interfaith study and deals with the basics of mental, Joan C. Hawxhurst physical, and spiritual health and do- Founding editor of Dovetail, president of social group. They have much to Dovetail Publishing, Inc., author of Bubhe contribute to such a group. it-yourself treatment opportunities and Gram: My Two Grandmothers in a holistic manner. I know your Their father and mother continue to efforts in interfaith relations will add Rev. Julie Parlcer Ph.D. candidate, Old Testament Studies, be good examples, both active in to the health of the nation! Yale Divinity School, New Haven, Ct. their congregations, he in the conservative Jewish one where the Evelyn Maxwell, M.N., R.N., wrote Rev. John Wade Payne children were raised and she in a Co-Author of Happily Intermarried: a Forum column, "When Your Authoritative Advice for a Joyous Jewish- Catholic one, which seems to her the Grandchild Celebrates a Different Christian Marriage most like Judaism of all the flavors of Christianity she has tasted. In Faith," in Volume I #5, April/May Rev. Bernard Pietrzalc Roman Catholic counselor to interfaith December of 2001 our youngest 1993, of Dovetail. She is a Certified couples in the Chicago area, based at St. daughter, with Episcopal leanings, Lay Speaker, Whole Health Raymond Church, Mt. Prospect, 111. added to our interfaith family by Education and Consultation, Dr. Stanley Ned Rosenbaum marrying her beloved, who is Adjunct Professor, Louisville Presbyterian CathoHc. We expect our third 414 East Wayne Avenue, Salina, Seminary and Univ. of Ky.; Co-Author of grandchild in the late fall and are Kansas, 67401, [email protected]. Celebrating Our Differences: Living Two interested in seeing how the parents Faiths in One Marriage decide to adjust their beliefs and Oscar A. Rosenbloom practices. Founding Member and Cantor of the Interfaith Community of Palo Alto, Ca. I continue with my duties in the local United Methodist congregation,
Membership on Dovetail's Editorial Acivisory Board does mainly as health ministries co• not necessarily imply endorsement of the articles and ordinator, and as a lay speaker opinions expressed herein.
September/October 2002 page 8 Personal Milestones: Children Come of Age by Debi Tenner
ast year my son and daughter never attended a Bar Mitzvah. We Debi Tenner is the mother of two and both decided to be Jewish. talked about the commitment to teaches the Sunday School class for This was a bit of a surprise for getting educated in Hebrew and L older children in the New Haven, us! Even though both my children in the history of Israel (possibly were converted at birth, and Josh had needing a tutor to catch up), to Connecticut interfaith group. She a bris, there was no set decision made attending services on a regular basis, currently works in the local public and to making tsedakah (charitable for him to become a Bar Mitzvah. We school system and has been a have raised them with both Judaism giving) a part of his teenage life, and summer camp educator for the and Christianity in our house, and about what the Ten Commandments frankly, we kept expecting them to meant to him. We talked about how Congregational Churches of turn out "confused." Or even worse, he still likes Christianity and respects Connecticut She has been a people kept telling me they would it. He still wants to celebrate the presenter at Dovetail conferences turn out to be "nothing." As a teacher Christian holidays with me. "But," and a regular columnist for the and parent, I thought that sounded he said, "I feel Jewish in my soul. pretty scary. But instead of wishy- Mommy." Dovetail Parents' Page. Her first washy, uninterested, and uncommit• article for Dovetail, "Interfaith Across the last thirteen years, I have ted kids, we got two pretty serious often made reference to the children Sunday School Lessons: The New decisions. about their souls, and suddenly 1 was Haven Group Shares Its Progress," I immediately knew that this was no glad I had. Believe me, they were too appeared in the February/March, young and very uninterested in the fickle decision from a 9- or 11-year- 1993 issue. Volume 2 M. old child. They both approached me subject of souls for a long time, but it (the Christian partner in the mar• must have finally clicked for Josh. He riage) first, each totally unaware that made comments about "knowing for the other sibling was doing the same sure," "suddenly understanding what thing. My husband and I agree that Judaism meant" to him, and feeling they probably felt obligated to check "comfortable in [his] soul." 1 was so with me first. My instincts told me pleased to hear him finally able to that they had both already made up speak of all these things, but sur• their minds, but that my comments prised that he was understanding could swing their decisions, so 1 tried it so young. to say as little as possible, and tease As it turns out, the tradition of out the reasons that each felt this becoming a Bar Mitzvah has a way. wisdom of its own, and as he Josh's Choice progressed in his studies during the next eighteen months, we could see With my son, I made him spend a him progress spiritually, education• couple weeks talking about what it ally, and socially as a result of the meant to him to be Jewish, what it studies and the choice he made. In would mean if he made this choice, short, the Bar Mitzvah was a perfect and of course, what it would mean if fit for his 13-year-old thinking and he chose to have a Bar Mitzvah. Lots learning—in truth, for his 13-year- of details came out, convincing old soul. details that made me sure he knew what he was talking about (at 11?!! And so it began. In late October of OYl!) At this time, he had no idea his 6th-grade year. Josh joined a that there was any sort of party Hebrew School class and began the attached to this event, and he had journey to his February 2002 Bar
September/October 2002 page 9 Dovetail
Mitzvah. He soon discovered that always want to celebrate Christmas, his Torah portion was the one right not because of the presents, but before the Torah portion his dad did because he knows it makes his mom almost thirty years before. We found smile for an entire month.) a tutor to help him after the Decem• ber holidays because he had never Finally one person said, "Are you studied Hebrew before. A note came really sure you are okay with this?" home over winter break that Josh and I know my response was sharp was doing so well he had already and a bit angry: "Of course it's okay! It's wonderful! My son has chosen an caught up with the rest of the class amazing path, and I fully intend to and the teacher "wished every support him." Shortly after this we student was as enthusiastic." My joined a different synagogue, which husband and Josh spent a lot of time counts me as a full member. It felt together getting the Hebrew home• great to say to my son that I not only work done, and I could see a blos• support his Jewish education and soming going on between the two learning, but that I am a member, of them. Since I had been a rabid too. And on the first day there, It was at this point that people someone found out I was a teacher supporter (and teacher) started looking at me and asking me and asked me to join the education of interfaith education, questions. Since I had been a rabid committee. I said, "Well, umm, I am supporter (and teacher) of interfaith the Christian partner, perhaps you the questions were quite education, the questions were quite could ask my husband?" She rolled strong: Was this really OK strong: Was this really OK with me? her eyes and said she wanted me, and Are you happy for Josh? It was like I knew I had made the right choice. with me? Are you happy they were looking for me to be either for Josh? It was like they insincere or outright lying. No one Among many other benefits for Josh, was saying the usual "Mazel tov" and I think the actual memorization and were looking for me to "Where's the reception?" as I heard chanting of his Torah portion every be either insincere or when other moms talked about their night exercised his brain muscle and upcoming Bar Mitzvah plans. opened a few doors to good study outright lying. habits, too. The confidence gained in There were questions about how all this—with kudos to the rabbi and things would run in our house now the cantillation teacher—is some• that Josh was going to be officially thing I know he will carry with him Jewish, and I responded that they for his whole life. The children he would run the same as always: invited from school to share the day showing respect for both religions with us were absolutely awed by his in our house, and for both my hard work and enthusiasm, and he children's heritages—and now we was able to throw off a couple of even get to celebrate the enhanced bullies at school this year with religious choices that Joshua brings strength based on his new self- to our family. (Josh has brought us a respect and the new respect of wonderful sense of the Sabbath, and his friends. he insists that we do things on Friday Of course, a good party helped night just a little more carefully, impress his friends, too. He sur• deliberately, relaxedly, or just plain happily, than we ever did before. At rounded himself with his favorite the same time, Josh says that he will chums from school. Bar Mitzvah
September/October 2002 page 10 class, and our neighborhood, not flowers, which led to our having We made sure Joshua to mention cousins, and 1 offer no a basket of food as a centerpiece on understood that the gifts apologies for the size of the event. the bima. At the reception, we had My shy son will never forget the balloons and donated new books of food and books in his rousing turnout, the dancing, the instead of flowers. We made sure life were abundant, and first girlfriend, and being lifted up Joshua understood that the gifts of high on the chair. ("Yes," the rabbi food and books in his life were he would now be required told me, and smiled a bit sadly, "it abundant, and he would now be to share those things. is a wedding tradition," but the required to share those things . symbolic gesture—and fun—was so awesome we couldn't resist taking it Sharon's Choice over.) My daughter Sharon has been down Our trade-off for the size of the party much the same path, only with a few (100 relatives and friends, mostly my twists along the way. In late October husband's family) was that we of her 4th-grade year, she opted to redoubled our efforts to turn the continue attending Sunday School celebration into something that also with her 3rd-grade cousin to "get her represented the meaning of the day. feet wet." She had visited with him a Josh and I attempted to do thirteen few times in the past, and liked her mini-charity projects in thirteen cousin and the teacher very much, months, one dedicated to each one plus she was a brand new Hebrew of his special relatives, both Christian student, so it seemed logical that she and Jewish. The idea was that he would start a year behind. Later this would learn with (or from) each of got more complicated because she his family members what charities seemed to be having some (undiag• they supported and why. Some of the nosed) reading disability in school, projects he did were collecting and and her progress in Hebrew became donating books, food, clothing, and frustratingly slow. She felt the peer money. For his twelfth birthday he pressure more than Josh did, and asked his friends to bring a can of wondered if she would be "good food instead of a present, and he enough" to be Jewish, or even if she collected three bags of groceries for would ever be able to read Hebrew. the Food Bank. We also joined in When we changed to the new three walkathons; in each one he synagogue, she had a new set of collected about $20 or $30 in his own doubts, which she shared with me on money or donations from others. He a regular basis. But it also gave her a went with his grandfather to the new friend: another 5th-grader who soup kitchen, toured the local food could easily be mistaken for her bank, visited a Ronald MacDonald twin—two red heads, two big House, and toured a Habitat for smiles, two friends. Humanity work site and a homeless All of a sudden Sharon was under• shelter. We tried to take pictures at standing that she already was Jewish, every single event; he was responsible and she started to feel a part of the for writing about each project and community, too. The community getting a scrapbook together, which opened its arms to us. I can't he displayed in the lobby at the Bar emphasize enough how important Mitzvah reception. Also, we made a that was: The degree of acceptance donation to Mazon, in lieu of buying
September/October 2002 page 11 Dovetail
of me as the Christian partner meant Also, I realize they have both been that, with no doubts in my mind, I learning more by what I've been was able to get them through any of doing than by what I've been saying. their own doubts, not to mention the By my devoting time to planning the occasional doubts from some of charity projects with Josh, reading Sharon's Sunday School class. She and getting educated myself, encour• has made great strides in the last few aging Sharon through her struggles months, and will likely become Bat with Hebrew, meeting with the rabbi Mitzvah at age 13 or soon after. and cantor, and bringing more Jewish traditions into our home life, Despite all the struggles with they have been learning just what reading, she has also shown a depth they needed to learn. I don't want to of determination to be a Bat Mitzvah imply that I have been such a great and to be Jewish that I would never role model, just that somehow my have thought possible from a 9-year- honest stumbling around as a old. Of course, this does raise Christian parent has helped both my questions for me. How can 1 fit in children and myself feel good about here, as a mother, as role model for what is happening. Let's not forget my daughter from a different how cool it is to be able to to teach religion? How will I teach her to your mother a thing or two, some• grow up to be a Jewish woman and thing most 13-year-olds are more raise her family the way she wants to? than willing to do. And did I learn!
The Gift for Me There is great joy now in looking back over the last two years and But 1 guess the most important seeing what Josh's Dad and I have answers are the same ones I have accomplished. We really did model given my children all along. I tell the things we wanted Josh to know them that, in my eyes, they have two and understand: God, charity, prayer, heritages, and that they are much and respecting other people; Joshua's loved by both heritages. The purpose choice to become a Bar Mitzvah is of both heritages is to teach charity, just the frosting on that cake. teach the laws that make for a good life, support the family, and show a After the Bar Mitzvah, I received path to spirituality for every person. thank-you notes from some of our guests: Jewish, Protestant, Catholic, Sharon did have one big concern: I don't want to imply that everyone agreed that the enthusiastic "Is Santa still going to bring me and committed young man who led I have been such a great presents? If he doesn't bring them the service was amazing. My to me maybe he can bring them to role model, just that husband's speech to the congregation some really poor children, but I still revolved around his own personal somehow my honest want him to bring some to me." I reconnection to Judaism. This whole told Sharon that as long as I was stumbling around as experience is the strongest evidence alive, I would celebrate Christmas, I can find to show that we haven't a Christian parent has and that she could always join me, been confused all these years. Doubly sing with me, share presents with me, helped both my children committed and busy, perhaps, but or whatever. As long as she wanted never confused. and myself feel good to, she could celebrate her Christian about what is happening. heritage with me.
September/October 2002 page 12 The Tides of Change by Sheila Gordon
s I write this reflection, it is I'm part of a generation of frag• Sfieila C. Gordon, Ph.D., is director Gay Pride Week, and my city, mented Jews. We're in a kind of of The Interfaith Community in New including my synagogue, is limbo. We're suspended between A York; see Bulletin Board on page 16 aflutter with the celebration of gay young adulthood and middle age, identity. Ten years ago, intermar• between Judaism and atheism, for contact information. Her first riage—like sexual identity- between a desire to believe in religion article for Dovetail, "The Trinity generated a sense of great angst. and a personal history of skepticism. Interfaith Education Program: Today, there is a comfort, a sense of Call us a bunch of searchers. Call us Implementation ... and Beyond," the normal, even a pride in support• post-Holocaust Jews. Call us Genera• ing dual religious traditions in one's tion J." appeared in the Volume 2 #2, household or in oneself For many October/November 1993, issue. She Alan Dershowitz, the First Amend• the angst is still a factor, but overall is a member of the DI-IFR advisory the environment evidences a tectonic ment legal scholar and contentious board. shift in attitudes and reality. lawyer, is both committed to his Jewish heritage and the father of a Ten years ago, my own organization child who has intermarried. In The (then known as the Trinity Interfaith Vanishing American Jew (NY: Little, Community) was in its fifth year of Brown, 1997), he writes: "We must existence, beginning to experience reject the current all-or-nothing burnout and about to enter into a approach to Judaism.... In America, period of quiescence. Having moved and in other nations that separate in 2000 to re-energize and church from state, one's Jewishness reconfigure our organization, I am is a matter of self-definition, and particularly aware of the changes anyone who wants to be considered which have marked this decade. a Jew, or a half-Jew, or a partial Jew, These changes are reflected in public or a person of Jewish heritage, has a discourse about interfaith families, in right to be so considered." organizations, both national and at the grassroots level, and in the Organizational Change realities of family life. Dovetail was a pioneer on the national scene. At the same time, the Shift in Discourse Reform Jewish movement stepped up In The Half-Jewish Bool<:A Celebra• its formal outreach programming tion (NY: Random House, 2000), and worked to make Jewish institu• Daniel Klein and Freke Vuijst tions more sensitive and welcoming trumpet the possibilities of balancing to interfaith couples. multiple identities, especially that of InterfaithFamily.com, on line since being "half-Jewish." Half-Jewishness the late 1990s, is an ambitious web- is a cultural, intellectual, and based effort reflecting a sensibility aesthetic mix that is, in a variety similar to the Reform programs. of ways, greater than the sum of its Jewish community centers all over parts. the country now offer interfaith couples workshops to help people In Generation J (SF: HarperSF, 2001), clarify and address the issues Lisa Schiffman, a 20-something Jew involved in being an interfaith who has married a non-Jew, argues family. that a new generation of pluralistic Jews can adapt Judaism to their Meanwhile, the interfaith map took postmodern fife style. "I'm not alone. shape. Dovetail became both the
September/October 2002 page 13 Dovetail
in some ways, however, national journal and the indepen• to a Jewish woman. Then, we had dent resource center. Two major local connections to families where the the higher level of interfaith organizations began: the non-Jewish partner's tradition was tolerance can make Inter Faith Familes Project in the marginalized and often painfully Washington, D.C, area and the denied. Today, an Interfaith Commu• our task all the more Chicago Jewish Catholic Couples nity member whose son chose to be challenging. The Group. A number of smaller groups Bar Mitzvah welcomes her Catholic formed around the country, in the parents on the bima; an Episcopalian obstacles are less clear, Bay Area, in New Haven, in Mem• woman and her new Jewish husband and often are moving phis, and in Minneapolis. baptize her Episcopalian son and Bar Mitzvah his Jewish son. Everyone's targets Given the population density of extended family is now a kaleido• Jews in the Greater New York area, scope of second marriages, religious the need for an independent organi• intermarriages, ethnic and racial zation serving interfaith families is intermarriages, and other, always powerful. Nevertheless, the small changing combinations. "Trinity" Interfaith Community remained for years the only local The norm today—in New York and interfaith program. A decision was across the country, among thought• made in late 1999 to re-energize and ful writers, and within established Looking for Interfaith expand it. As of July, 2002, the religious institutions—is far more Wedding Ceremony Interfaith Community has its own tolerant than in 1992. Increasingly, Scripts office space, an active website, a people recognize that children will growing number of formal members, not necessarily be confused and that Dovetail Publishing v^rill release and programs for the full spectrum families will not fracture if they a second edition of the popular of needs (workshops for interfaith acknowledge dual religious identities. Interfaith Wedding Ceremonies: couples, holiday religious services, In some ways, however, the higher Samples and Sources within the programs for children, and a learning level of tolerance can make our task coming year. We are looking for series for adults). all the more challenging. The new ceremonies to include in our obstacles are less clear, and often are expanded edition. Please submit The Landscape Today moving targets. Yet we know that, in any combination of the following: the face of abundant choice and your wedding ceremony, your A decade or more ago, we were flatly tantaUzing diversity, people stiU wedding program, wedding photo• rejected by most synagogues and want tradition, spirituality, and graphs (black & white or color, organized Jewish institutions. Today, community. Our mission, which we clearly labeled with a name and while we are still not widely em• share with Dovetail, is to continue address, so we can return them to braced, we have relationships to the work of creating an environment you), and/or a description of your synagogues that refer couples to us, and institutions to support the special day written'by you or by or at least respect the work we are myriad journeys of Jewish-Christian your officiant. Please feel free to doing. Then, we were welcome in families. ^ contact us with any questions. some churches, but somewhat as a Thank you very much for your curiosity. Today, the son of our help. original Epsicopalian clergy advisor has married a Jewish woman and Dovetail Publishing, Inc. belongs to our community. We also ATTN: Joan C. Hawxhurst now have a close relationship to a 8400 Stadium Drive Presbyterian church, which sees our Kalamazoo, MI 49009 community as part of its outreach, [email protected] and whose pastor is himself married
September/October 2002 page 14 Fruits of the Journey by Jack Kovacs
Note from Patty Kovacs: Ten years How did it all get started? How do we that God, love thy neighbor, and ago, we wrote that part of our journey make the world a better place?" teach your children to do the same. with other interfaith couples and There is no single set of answers to families was to continue to search for these questions. Both religions try to Remember the words of the Sh'ma: answers together. Over that time, we find explanations. Both believe in the "Set these words, which I command have been finding answers to the many same God and that God is active and you this day, upon your heart. Teach questions of raising kids in an inter• present in the world in many ways. them faithfully to your children." faith home through the growth of the Jesus was a good Jew, and he, too, Family School of Chicago, a parent- The Family School is a community. It taught that this prayer, the Sh'ma, taught interfaith religious education is a group of people in union. The was the highest of all prayers. Each program that teaches both Judaism etymology of the word is "com"— religion has many different symbols, and Catholicism. It has been a truly with, "union"—one. It's like Com• but two, the cross and the mezuzah, remarkable journey, and as Dovetail munion. We come together to take in remind us to keep God in mind— marks its tenth year, we are about to something special. Think back to the every day and in all we do. How begin our tenth year as a school. Mazel beginnings of the school: perhaps important is it to teach your chil• tov to all! you were afraid of what the future dren? Well, the Sh'ma, in would hold: "Will my child be Deuteronomy VI, comes right after We are very proud of how much our confused?" "How do I teach this Deuteronomy V. What happens kids. Jack (14) and Kelly (11), have stuff?" "Oh, my God, my child won't there? The Ten Commandments are learned and are continuing to learn, know my religion!" Well, we are here given to Moses at Mount Sinai! and how much we as parents are to say to you that learning solves fear. Pretty important, I would say. On learning from them. Jack was a We have learned over these nine behalf of the graduates of the Family member of the first graduating class of years that it is okay to be different. School—just do it: teach them and the Family School this past May. This Sure, it was confusing at first. We'd help them. It's your job as parents is from the statement he wrote for the ask, "Why couldn't the two religions and as children of God. That is what graduation ceremony: that have so much in common not the Family School is all about. ^ get along?" As we went through the amily School: a school to years, we learned some of the reasons Jack's parents, David and Patty which families go to learn why, because we learned the histories Kovacs, co-authored the article, religion. It is not just an F of both religions in the Family "Chicago's Jewish-Catholic Couples option for interfaith people looking School. for a balanced Catholic-Jewish Dialogue Group," in Dovetail's rehgious school. No! It is a school in In some ways, life can be confusing, Volume I #6, June/July 1993, issue which families learn together. Instead especially in your teenage years. with Dan and Abbe Josephs. Jack of learning religion with complete Some unexplainable questions will strangers, we learn it with our never be answered: "Why are we and Kelly (along with Kate and friends, our parents, and our friends" here? What is the meaning of Hfe?" Micahia Cohen) shared their insights parents. Everyone might be in Still, religion can sometimes help on growing up in an interfaith family separate classrooms, but they are still answer everyday moral questions. with the 2002 Dovetail Conference. with other parents, and they know We, the graduates, have spent the that their parents are nearby. past several years learning that there are at least two ways to seek the What we have learned is that we do truth. Not in a confusing way, for the not have a set product. Personally, I two religions see the same ultimate can't say that I am a label. I can't say truth through different words. We that I am either Jewish or Catholic have discovered some of the words alone. Both religions wonder about that are the central teachings of both the existence of God and nature. faiths: there is only one God, love "What's God like? Why are we here?
September/October 2002 page 15 Dovetail
Bulletin Board Interfaith Support Around the Nation
To be listed as a contact person for a group, Massachusetts, Amherst* Ohio, Dayton or if you are seeking to join or form a group, Janet Lehan Bloom (413) 253-3685 Jewish Interfaith Network: Interfaith group. please send information to: Tonda Learner (937) 439-4313 Massachusetts, Boston* Adina Davidson & Joel Nitzberg (617) 776-3235 Pennsylvania, Philadelphia Dan Josephs Michelle Carson (215) 473-4086 or 1175 S. Euclid Avenue, Oak Park IL 60304 Minnesota, Minneapolis* Kimberly Shore (215) 646-3363 Tel: (708) 660-9503; Fax: (630) 574-8089 Joan Cleary and Jerry Helfand (651) 698-7987 EMail: [email protected] Pennsylvania, Philadelphia Area Minnesota, Minneapolis Jewish Converts 8c Interfaith Network. Dan is one of the founders and coordinators Jewish FCS of Minneapolis. Barbara Rudnick Lena Romanoff, Dir. (610) 664-8112 of the Chicago Jewish Catholic Couples Group. (612) 542-4825 [email protected] Pennsylvania, Philadelphia We look forward to hearing from you. Missouri, St. Louis area* Faithways, JFCS of Greater Philadelphia. Joanne and Larry Eisenman (314) 918-7992 R. Rayzel Raphael (215) 540-3737.
New Jersey, Northern New Jersey area Tennessee, Memphis* California, San Francisco Bay Area* Jan and David Kaplan (901) 767-4267 Alicia Torre (415) 591-9434 Phyllis Gippetti (201) 337-2275 or DaleKopel (201) 568-9230 Virginia, Northern Virginia area California, San Francisco Bay Area* Cong. Beth Emeth. Judi Cloutier, Outreach Interfaith Connection Groups. Rosanne New Jersey, Bergen Co. Coordinator (703) 860-4515, x 142 Levitt, Director (415) 292-1252 Lani Martin (201) 891-1818 New Jersey, Hasbrouck Heights Wisconsin, Milwaukee California, San Diego Area AND Colorado* Interfaith Connection, JCC of Milwaukee: Seven Blessings Seminars: Connecting Soul Temple Beth Elohim: Welcomes non-Jews. Joyce Gutzke, IF Coord. (414) 967-8218 Mates. R. Shelly Moss (970) 532-3396 R. Fredric S. Dworkin (201) 744-3304 Israel* Colorado, Denver* New Jersey, Whippany Karen McCarthy and Dan Kowal (303) 439- United Jewish Federation. Call 800-530-1596 for contact info. 7750 Lynne Wolfe (973) 884-4800, x 192 United Kingdom* Colorado, Denver New Mexico, Albuquerque Rosalind Birtwistle (44) 01234 261 775 Stepping Stones: Jewish identification. Archdiocese of Santa Fe Ecumenical Office. Interfaith couples in the following Stacey Delcau (303) 554-5854 Father Ernest Falardeau or Ff eddy Long, cities would like to talk with or meet Family Life Office. Connecticut, Hamden other interfaith couples: Stepping Stones to a Jewish Me. New York, Long Island R. Sonya Starr (203) 288-3877 Long Island Havurah for Humanistic Judaism Orlando, FL Connecticut, New Haven* Leonard Cherlin (516) 889-8337 DesMoines, lA Christina Giebisch-Mohrer (203) 287-9110 New York, Long Island/Suffolk County Indianapolis, IN Eileen Horowitz, 516-345-0095. District of Columbia, Greater Washington * Lincoln, NE Interfaith Families Project. New York, New York City New York, NY (various boroughs) Laura Steinberg (301) 589-9280 Temple of Universal Judaism. Cleveland, OH \vww.tuj.org (212) 535-0187 District of Columbia, Greater Washington Oklahoma City, OK Bethesda Jewish Congregation welcomes New York, New York City* Elkins Park, PA interfaith families. Interfaith Community. Maran Beth Gluckstein (301) 469-8636 Sheila Gordon (212) 870-2544 Madison, WI www.crosscurrents.org/interfaith.htm Illinois, Chicago metropolitan area* Jewish-Catholic Couples' Dialogue Group. New York, Rochester To network, please contact Dan Abbe & Dan Josephs, (708) 660-9503, or Interfaith Connection, JFS. Michele Ruda Patty & David Kovacs (773) 275-5689 Leve, C.S.W.(7I6) 461-2000, x 825 by E-mail or telephone.
Louisiana, New Orleans New York, Rockland County* Courtney Nathan, Jewish Family Service Eric and Elizabeth Kohlmeier (914) 639-9380 (504) 831-8475 Ohio, Cincinnati* Maryland, Baltimore Christine M. Segal (513) 793-2866 Jewish Outreach Network Programs. Beth Land Hecht, Dir. (410) 466-9200, x 381 Ohio, Columbus Gateways: The Jewish Interfaith Connection Maryland, Rockville Barbara Mazer Gross (614) 231-2731 JCC of Greater Washington, DC. Tracey * Group not sponsored by a religious Dorfman, Director (301) 881-0100, x 6782 Please note: Dovetail does not interview institution. or investigate groups listed here.
September/October 2002 page 16 God's Greater Unity by Robert Brashear
s I write this, I have just interfaith marriage will be an vidual personalities. Don't hesitate finished conducting the inevitable result, regardless of family to ask a clergy person or counselor to Awedding of Jesse and or community pressures against it. help sort that out. Michelle. Like all weddings, this has been a social work of art. I always am As a minister who has performed Finally, there's no limit. By that I intrigued and moved by meeting the easily 100 or more interfaith mar• mean this. After Andrea and I had extended circles of families and riages, and as a Christian man been together for ten years or so of friends, coming together like two married to a Jewish woman, what truly sharing life together, I asked a streams from different places. have I learned? Here are a few counselor if I had become 50% Sometimes, an entirely new creation thoughts: Jewish and 50% Christian. "No", he will come about, like this one. Jesse, said, "you're still 100% Christian and There is no rule book, no manual; Jewish, and Michelle, a Korean- 50% Jewish. It's not a fixed quantity each couple's situation is unique American Christian, will begin you're dealing with here, something and must find its own way. It is a new family, in more than one way. more's been added." Whatever impossible to answer every question decisions a particular couple make, The work that they did in prepara• before you get married: even when the resulting family tion for the wedding will serve them you think you have, once you are will indeed be a new creation. well. They discussed the meaning of married, something will come up the event for themselves, their you hadn't thought of Decide on I've recently gotten to know a new famihes, what the "bottom-line what the three bottom-line issues are couple. The man was from the Jewish issues" were for each. While origi• for you and negotiate them out. community in Bombay, India, the nally, it was thought that a rabbi Then, move ahead. Marriage is not roots of which spring partly from might share in the service, in the end having all the answers, it's making a Syria. His sister once worked with it was Jesse's father who and friends commitment to find the answers my wife in a peace project in an Arab who said the b'ruchot, gave the together. village in Israel. The wife was of blessings. Michelle's father gave the Anglican background from Canada. Even when one partner has con• English translations. In the end, it The world does grow smaller. And verted, new life experiences, such was truly beautiful. larger. God's greater unity more as the birth of a child, will bring visible, every day. ^ One of the joys of living in New York unexpected feelings, yearnings from City is the amazing coming together deep inside. There will always be of people from all over the world. As surprises. Interfaith marriage forces the world we live in grows increas• both partners to become clearer as to Rev. Bob Brashear is the pastor of ingly smaller (or is it actually where they stand with regards to larger?), what happens here is a their own faith. The more secure one the West-Parl< Presbyterian Church foretaste of what will be for other is in one's own faith, the less threat• in New Yorl< City. He is married to ening the practices of the other are. cities, other towns. When my Andrea and is father of IVIicah, (Jewish) wife Andrea and I were When daily and weekly patterns are Nathaniel, and Daniel. His first article planning to be married, 1 asked a established, when the faith "rhythm" Roman Catholic priest colleague of of the home is estaWished, the for Dovetail, "Interfaith Dialogue at mine his opinion. He told me that seemingly difficult holiday issues a Personal Level," appeared in the take care of themselves. our coming together was a sign of Volume I #6 issue, June/July 1993. "God's greater unity." Certainly what When problems arise, it's important I see around us feels like that. We to be able to separate out the count among our friends Jewish- different strands and know which Muslim, Christian-Muslim, Jewish- are truly religious in nature, which Buddhist, couples of many kinds. In are cultural, which come from our a world where people come together respective family dynamics and from so many different places. which have to do with our indi•
September/October 2002 page 17 ^Dovetail
A New Direction by Jennifer Krakower Cafferty The Original Board available to my family. The s a Dovetail member, I did not Dovetail conference reconfirmed 1992 Arealize until recently that the my belief that Dovetail needs to be Dovetail Institute: strong for those interfaith families DOVETAIL'S living in areas around the country • Provides support to members in all that have no other support. Editorial Advisory Board 50 states • Provides support to members from Beginning this fall, I will be leading IRWIN H. FISHBEIN 36 countries Dovetail in an ongoing fundraising Director of the Rabbinic Center • Publishes books, journals, and a campaign. As a professional for Research and Counseling, Westfield. New Jersey brochure series fundraiser, 1 will be combining my • Presents conferences for interfaith fundraising skills with my passion LESLIE GOODMAN-MALAMUTH Co-Author of Between Two Worlds: families and religious leaders for Dovetail's mission to explain Choices for Grown Children of • Provides consultation, referrals and Dovetail's needs to donors through• Jewish-Christian Parents on-line discussion moderating out the country and to hear what LEE F. GRUZEN • Has been featured in USA Today, you, as a Dovetail journal subscriber, Author of Ruisini> Your Jewish/ Newsweek, and Good Housekeeping want to support. (If you're not a Christian Child: How Inteifaith Parents Can Give Children the Best • Has been interviewed by National dues-paying member as well as a of Both Their Heritages Public Radio, and the television subscriber, please add the $25 dues PETER K. MEEHAN shows The God Squad, CBS This to your next subscription renewal.) Pastor of St. Emerie's Church, Morning, and NBC's Today Show The fundraising plan will be compre• New York; • Has been consulted by CNN and Co-Author of Happily Intermarried: hensive and will include areas such as the New York Times regarding Authoritative Advice for a Joyous a major gifts campaign, a phone-a- Jewish-Christicm Marriage interfaith holiday celebrations thon, and a grants program. If you JOHN WADE PAYNE This impressive list of accomplish• are willing to help Dovetail by Pastor of Park Avenue Christian ments is even greater when you making phone calls to other mem• Church, New York; Co-Author of Happily Intermarried: realize that the Dovetail executive bers or if you know of someone who Aulhorilalive Advice for a Joyous board has managed to accomplish sits on the board of a foundation Jewish-Christian Marriage these tasks on a shoestring budget interested in helping Dovetail, please BRUCE ROBBINS with minimal public relations efforts. let me know. I can be reached at General Secretary, General Commis• [email protected] or sion on Christian Unity My husband and 1 have been (708) 358-1801. and Inteneligious Concerns, supporting Dovetail for the past United Methodist Church two years. We became familiar with I look forward to working with you ROY A. ROSENBERG Dovetail at the 2000 conference in to ensure that all interfaith families Rabbi of Temple of Universal Judaism. New York; Louisville. After attending the and those that serve them have access . Co-Author of Happily Intennanied: conference, we knew that we needed to Dovetail's unique and important Authoritative Advice for a Joyous to help support Dovetail so that services. : Jewish-Christian Marriage others might benefit from its ANDREW S. WATSON services. We truly felt, and still feel, Warmly, Professor Emeritus of Psychiatry & that Dovetail was one of the only Professor Emeritus of Law, University Jen Cafferty of Michigan groups that had been able to help us with our interfaith issues. Membership on DOVETAIL'S Editorial Advisory Board does not necessarily imply After attending this year's conference endorsemenf of the articles and opinions in Chicago, I feel even more strongly expressed herein. about supporting Dovetail. Living in Chicago, 1 often take for granted the amount of interfaith support
September/October 2002 page 18 Benjamin Blutstein 1977-2002 Moving Forward by Mary Helene Rosenbaum
ell, we did it—we brought off of being an interfaith couple. W Dovetail's third national • It's amazing how many good ideas conference. And what a conference it I came away with.... was! Images are still dancing through • I'm 50 glad I came! Thank you to my head: Rabbi Secher and Father all who have made this conference Cusick trading good-natured barbs a reality! and serious insights on the stage in I'd like to add my thanks to those Ben at Dovetail's 2998 Conference the Crystal Room; Joan Hawxhurst who made the conference a reality, and husband Steve Bertman navigat• Ben was a graduate of the Rabbi particularly Dan and Abbe Josephs, ing painful and difficult issues on David L. Silver Yeshiva Academy Mike and Bonnie Farnon, Jen that same stage, with the passionate and of Dickinson College, where he Cafferty, Bob Dahlke, Sr. of Vis-O- involvement of the conference received the Dr. Stanley Ned Rosen• Graphic Printing, Peter Eisendrath of attendees; the filled-to-bursting baum Award for Judaic Studies and Signs Now, and those who made cash room in which the children of where he volunteered for the 1998 contributions large and small, most interfaith couples David and Patty Dovetail conference and led its of whom wished to remain anony• Kovacs and Nancy and Harry Cohen Havdalah service. He was studying at mous. Finally, thanks to the Dovetail elicited laughter and deep attention; Pardes Institute for Jewish Studies in executive board—Joan, Allen Secher, the many workshop rooms with a Jerusalem when he was murdered by and my husband, Ned (among whose dozen or so people around a table a terrorist bomb. contributions was bringing me exploring some aspect of the breakfast at my desk for weeks on In a letter to his Christian grand• interfaith experience in depth and end)—the DI-IFR advisory board, mother before last Thanksgiving, honesty; Joan Hawxhurst's astonish• whose members spent hours of Ben wondered what most of the ment and emotion at being pre• conference calls brainstorming and relatives sitting at her holiday sented the third Father Dan planning, and the Dovetail journal dinner—and his deceased Methodist Montalbano Award for Promoting advisory board, past and present. minister grandfather—would think Interfaith Understanding, in recogni• of his studying at a yeshiva in Israel. tion of her pioneering work in The support of aU sorts not only founding and nurturing Dovetail; the keeps us going in the here and now, "Perhaps they think I'm kind of buzz and energy of the post-confer• it gives us hope and inspiration for crazy for being in a 'dangerous' part ence crowd still talking, networking, the future. In the next ten years, we'd of the world," he wrote. "Perhaps sharing insights, unable to tear like to expand the journal and they are right. But I feel that I'm themselves away. publish it monthly, begin to have doing something very important. conferences every year, establish I am growing and changing. I don't Some comments pulled at random weekend seminars for half a dozen know where this learning is taking from evaluation sheets: couples at a time, publish more me, but I think it's where I should be • The work being done by every books filled with a variety of going. Gran, you always asked me to single soul is clearly so meaningful— perspectives on interfaith marriage, make a blessing at Thanksgiving each individual's challenge to form and reach out to the hundreds of dinner, so let me make this blessing: and frame an honorable relationship thousands of Jewish/Christian I want to bless... all of us that we with G-d and tradition is truly families out there who don't know should have strength to continue uplifting.... yet that an independent organization doing the things we know are right • Listening and sharing ideas with with resources for them exists. even when others might think we're people ahead and behind us in our crazy or be concerned for us. And journey. Your insights, expertise, donations, that all of us should continue to • The honesty, openness, and and energy will make all that, and strive and grow. May it be God's will vulnerability of everybody— much more we can't even imagine till that we all ultimately reach wherever participants and facilitators alike— it happens, come to pass. I'm already it is that we are going. May it be His sharing from the heart about the looking forward to reading the 20th will." lessons, challenges, and rewards Anniversary issue! Amen
September/October 2002 page 19 The Perfect Keepsake for Interfaith CoupIe
Mediterranean Unity Rings 16" X 20" Premium textured art paper 16"_x 20' Premium textured art paper Calligraphy availabfe. Calligraphy available. .J.
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For tiie first time a Ketubah, a Hebrew marriage covenent, is available in language especially suited to interfaith couples. 2 Please send me a full The Poetic and egalitarian style clearly expresses an color brochure. interfaith couple's commitment to respect each other's heritage. It is a beautiful art piece, witnessing the bride and Please send me a ketubah. groom's promise to love and honor one another. Enclosed is $125 for each ketubah + $15 shipping and handling. (IL residents add 9% sales tax). GOOD www.agoodcompany.com interftheaol.com Gall for Gilding & Calligraphy pricing.
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