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Grappling with Interfaith Problems Grappling with Interfaith Problems: Personal and CD Institutional Issues nterfaith engaged couples often, Remember, the purpose here is not CD naturally enough, focus their to present correct solutions regard• "+-« energies—their emotions, their ing what a particular religious I institution or group ought to discussions, and their practical negotiations—on matters involving be doing. Nor is it to try to present their own personal relationships: all sides of each question. It is to help what the wedding ceremony will look interfaith couples deal with their like, how the children will be raised, own and their partners' feelings what holidays they will celebrate. But about these groups by presenting no couples live in a social vacuum. them with a basis for, and some We are affected not only by each models of, conversation on the other and our families, but by our issues. larger communities, including our This larger-than-usual issue touches religious institutions and group on problems facing Jewish and loyalties. These days, many interfaith Roman Catholic institutions. This is couples are grappling with differ• not to imply that only they are beset ences in the ways they think of and with such challenges; they are simply CD deal with these larger conflicts. the ones most prominently in the In this issue of Dovetail, we have news—and in the thoughts of many not attempted to provide answers interfaith couples. We invite anyone or single right ways to approach such with insights on Protestant institu• CD questions as the attitudes of Jewish tional difficulties as they affect institutions toward intermarriage, intermarrieds to share them the relationship of Israel and its with us. And again, keep in mind policies to the religious life of all that we present these articles not Jews, the pronouncements of the as the last word on their subjects, Catholic Church regarding Judaism, but as examples of ways to think or the revelations of scandalous about them. ^ behavior among the clergy. What we have done is to provide some—but by no means all—ways of looking at these issues that interfaith In This Issue couples can use as a basis for discussion, followed by some Index 2 excerpts from on-line conversations When Couples Need Help ...3 by intermarried people on topics that Problems with potentially divide them. Jewish Institutions 5 Perhaps most important, in the lead The Question of Israel 7 article Dr. Susan Sances and Dr. Paul Sanders (who will be presenters at Judaism and Catholicism.... 9 Dovetail's August 16-18 conference Problems in the in Chicago) explore the bottom line Catholic Church 11 for dual-faith couples dealing with challenges: why, when, and how to Talking About Israel 15 seek professional help. Talking About the Church.. 16 2002 Conference Schedule 18 Volume 10, Number 6 July/August 2002 PDcfvetail Index to Vol. 10 Issue, Page Issue, Page Issue, Page Ahmann, Elizabeth 4,9 How to Be a Jewish Parent, by Anita Diamant Sances, Susan 6,3 Barnhart, Philip H. 2,13 (Review) 1,7 Sanders, Paul 6,3 Becker, David 5,7 "Jewish and Something Else" by Syvia Barack Saucier, Brian 5,11 Being Jewish, by Ari L. Goldman (Review) Fishman (Review) 1,9 Saviet, Sarah Ahmann 2,4 1,13 Josephs, Daniel 5,12 Schachet, Richard 5,3 Chicago lewish-Catholic Couples Group Kaplan, David 1,3 Schaper, Donna 1,8; 2,3; 4,11 Family Religion School 1,10 Kaplan, Jan 1,3 Scherer-Emunds, Meinrad 6,11 Common Prayers, by Harvey Cox (Review) Katz, Susan 5,5 School, Chicago Jewish-Catholic Couples 3,9; Excerpt 4,3 Kovacs, Patty and David 1,10 Group Family Religion 1,10 Cox, Harvey, Common Prayers (Review) Kurnick, Marc B. 4,5 Silver, Samuel 1,11 3,9; Excerpt 4,3 Landman, Janet 2,12 Simon, Katherine, and Gary Tobin, Rabbis Diamant, Anita, How to Be a Jewish Parent Lyons, Kathryne 3,3 Talk About Intermarriage (Review) 1,7 Midwife's Song, The, by Brenda Ray (Review) 1,11 Far Above Rubies, by Cynthia Gallagher (Review) 2,13 Singer, Todd W. 6,5 (Review) 1,8 Morgenstern, Meredith 2,5 Stoltz, Donald R. 4,12 Feast of Seasons, A, by Margot R. Hodson Moss, Sheldon 4,7 Sugarman, Monte 3,5 (Review) 2,10 Nemitoff, Arthur 6,7 Tenner, Debi 3,11 Fishman, Steven 5,12 Norman, Stephen 5,1 Tobin, Gary, and Katherine Simon, Rabbis Fishman, Sylvia Barack, "Jewish and Passover, Guide to Observance of 4,13 Talk About Intermarriage Something Else" (Review) 1,9 Poems 1,12; 2,4; 2,12; 3,6; 4,12 (Review) 1,11 Fried, Eric Wolf 1,12 Pottker.Jan 1,9 Gallagher, Cynthia, Far Above Rubies 2,10 Putaggio, Kristen 3,7 Goldman, Ari L, Being Jewish (Review) 1,13 Rabbis Talk About Intermarriage, by Gary If you haven't registered Grady, Janett L. 2,11 Tobin and Katherine Simon Great Bible Adventure, The, by Jill Gupta (Review) 1,11 for the conference yet, (Review) 2,10 Ray, Brenda, The Midwife's Song please do so right away. Gupta, Jill, The Great Bible Adventure (Review) 2,13 (Review) 2,10 Reviews 1,7; 1,8; 1,9; 1,10; 1,11; 1,13; 2,10 The places are filling up "Har-Even, Judyth" (pseudonym) 5,9 Rhodes, Roberta 1,13 fast, and the conversa• Hawxhurst, Joan 1,3; 1,7 Rosenbaum, Stanley Ned 1,1; 2,10; 3,6 Heimowitz, Lillian Pivar 2,9 Rosenbloom, Oscar 3,9 tions will be both stimu• Hodson, Margot R., A Feast of Seasons Rubin, Neil 6,9 lating and nourishing! (Review) 2,10 Dovetail's mission is to provide a channel Dovetail (ISSN 1062-7359) is published of communication for interfaith couples, their bimonthly (6 times per year) by: The Dovetail Dovetail's Staff parents, and their children. No matter what Institute for Interfaith Family Resources, their specific choices regarding faith for their 775 Simon Greenwell Ln., Boston, KY 40107; home and children, the more interfaith tel 800-530-1596; fax 502-549-3543; families can share their ideas, experiences, Email [email protected]. Mary Helene Rosenbaum resources, and support, the more they can Editor make peace in their homes and communities. A one-year subscription is available for Jewish and Christian perspectives can dovetail. $29.95 from the above address. International subscriptions are $35.00. Single issues are Dr. Silvine Farnell Believing that there are no definitive answers to available for $5.50 each. (Michigan residents the questions facing interfaith families, Dovetail please add 6% sales tax on back issue orders.) Associate Editor strives to be open to all ideas and opinions. Editorial content attempts to balance and respect Dovetail welcomes article submissions the perspectives of both Jewish and Christian (query or completed manuscript), letters Joan C. Hawxhurst, M.A. partners in interfaith marriages, as well to the editor, and comments or suggestions. Send to M. H. Rosenbaum, Editor, at the Founding Editor as the diverse perspectives of parents and children of interfaith couples. Inclusion above address. in Dovetail does not imply endorsement. Copyright © 2002 by William D. Rosenbaum Dovetail accepts a thoughtful and constructive di.scussion of all related issues in the Letters to The Dovetail Institute for Design Consultant the Editor section, and reserves the right to reply. Interfaith Family Resources. All rights reserved. July/August 2002 page 2 When Interfaith Couples Need Help by Susan Sances and Paul Sanders hen interfaith partners In either case, they have consistently Paul Sanders, Ph.D., and Susan struggle in their relation• glossed over nagging cultural Sances, Psy.D., are both clinical ship, they may assume tensions. W psychologists in Chicago, where that cultural differences don't have Couples who try to deny and conceal much bearing on their particular they practice individual and couples cultural tensions actually tend to situation, or they may see their psychotherapy and coaching. They become more emotionally distant, interfaith issues as the whole isolated, lonely, secretly resentful, are also an interfaith married couple. problem. Judging from our experi• and depleted. Interfaith concerns Together they have founded ence as therapists, the truth tends may be among several significant to lie somewhere in the middle. Interfaith Holidays, a consultation issues they are ignoring. Because they service committed to helping Interfaith cultural differences very try to avoid conflict at all costs, they interfaith couples share their often do matter; in fact, denial of are vulnerable to unexpected differences can sometimes drive outbursts or serious withdrawal. By traditions. Their web address couples apart just as powerfully as the time they reach a counselor, they is http://interfaithholidays. com. clashes over them. When interfaith often feel deeply estranged and partners actually struggle with their bewildered. differences, however, the greatest destructive potential often lies in Where unspoken cultural and how the partners manage conflict, religious issues are part of the mix, not in the actual differences. we as therapists try not to miss them. Simply pointing out the ignored All couples wrestle with tension as issues may not be enough, however. they try to achieve a balance between In the case of very avoidant partners disagreement and remaining close. It who deny potentially explosive is true that interfaith differences can feelings, we may need to reinforce easily upset that balance. We often general skills for tolerating and see this at crucial moments in the Hfe managing conflict as they begin to cycle of the relationship: planning address unacknowledged tensions. the wedding, birth of a child, deciding on family rituals, rites of Gridlocl< passage for children, sickness, and A second scenario involves couples loss. Not all couples run into trouble who are aware of their interfaith over these challenges, however.
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