Grappling with Interfaith Problems: Personal and CD Institutional Issues nterfaith engaged couples often, Remember, the purpose here is not CD naturally enough, focus their to present correct solutions regard• "+-« energies—their emotions, their ing what a particular religious I institution or group ought to discussions, and their practical negotiations—on matters involving be doing. Nor is it to try to present their own personal relationships: all sides of each question. It is to help what the wedding ceremony will look interfaith couples deal with their like, how the children will be raised, own and their partners' feelings what holidays they will celebrate. But about these groups by presenting no couples live in a social vacuum. them with a basis for, and some We are affected not only by each models of, conversation on the other and our families, but by our issues. larger communities, including our This larger-than-usual issue touches religious institutions and group on problems facing Jewish and loyalties. These days, many interfaith Roman Catholic institutions. This is couples are grappling with differ• not to imply that only they are beset ences in the ways they think of and with such challenges; they are simply CD deal with these larger conflicts. the ones most prominently in the In this issue of Dovetail, we have news—and in the thoughts of many not attempted to provide answers interfaith couples. We invite anyone or single right ways to approach such with insights on Protestant institu• CD questions as the attitudes of Jewish tional difficulties as they affect institutions toward intermarriage, intermarrieds to share them the relationship of Israel and its with us. And again, keep in mind policies to the religious life of all that we present these articles not Jews, the pronouncements of the as the last word on their subjects, Catholic Church regarding Judaism, but as examples of ways to think or the revelations of scandalous about them. ^ behavior among the clergy.

What we have done is to provide some—but by no means all—ways of looking at these issues that interfaith In This Issue couples can use as a basis for discussion, followed by some Index 2 excerpts from on-line conversations When Couples Need Help ...3 by intermarried people on topics that Problems with potentially divide them. Jewish Institutions 5 Perhaps most important, in the lead The Question of Israel 7 article Dr. Susan Sances and Dr. Paul Sanders (who will be presenters at Judaism and Catholicism.... 9 Dovetail's August 16-18 conference Problems in the in ) explore the bottom line Catholic Church 11 for dual-faith couples dealing with challenges: why, when, and how to Talking About Israel 15 seek professional help. Talking About the Church.. 16 2002 Conference Schedule 18 Volume 10, Number 6 July/August 2002 PDcfvetail

Index to Vol. 10

Issue, Page Issue, Page Issue, Page

Ahmann, Elizabeth 4,9 How to Be a Jewish Parent, by Anita Diamant Sances, Susan 6,3 Barnhart, Philip H. 2,13 (Review) 1,7 Sanders, Paul 6,3 Becker, David 5,7 "Jewish and Something Else" by Syvia Barack Saucier, Brian 5,11 Being Jewish, by Ari L. Goldman (Review) Fishman (Review) 1,9 Saviet, Sarah Ahmann 2,4 1,13 Josephs, Daniel 5,12 Schachet, Richard 5,3 Chicago lewish-Catholic Couples Group Kaplan, David 1,3 Schaper, Donna 1,8; 2,3; 4,11 Family Religion School 1,10 Kaplan, Jan 1,3 Scherer-Emunds, Meinrad 6,11 Common Prayers, by Harvey Cox (Review) Katz, Susan 5,5 School, Chicago Jewish-Catholic Couples 3,9; Excerpt 4,3 Kovacs, Patty and David 1,10 Group Family Religion 1,10 Cox, Harvey, Common Prayers (Review) Kurnick, Marc B. 4,5 Silver, Samuel 1,11 3,9; Excerpt 4,3 Landman, Janet 2,12 Simon, Katherine, and Gary Tobin, Rabbis Diamant, Anita, How to Be a Jewish Parent Lyons, Kathryne 3,3 Talk About Intermarriage (Review) 1,7 Midwife's Song, The, by Brenda Ray (Review) 1,11 Far Above Rubies, by Cynthia Gallagher (Review) 2,13 Singer, Todd W. 6,5 (Review) 1,8 Morgenstern, Meredith 2,5 Stoltz, Donald R. 4,12 Feast of Seasons, A, by Margot R. Hodson Moss, Sheldon 4,7 Sugarman, Monte 3,5 (Review) 2,10 Nemitoff, Arthur 6,7 Tenner, Debi 3,11 Fishman, Steven 5,12 Norman, Stephen 5,1 Tobin, Gary, and Katherine Simon, Rabbis Fishman, Sylvia Barack, "Jewish and Passover, Guide to Observance of 4,13 Talk About Intermarriage Something Else" (Review) 1,9 Poems 1,12; 2,4; 2,12; 3,6; 4,12 (Review) 1,11 Fried, Eric Wolf 1,12 Pottker.Jan 1,9 Gallagher, Cynthia, Far Above Rubies 2,10 Putaggio, Kristen 3,7 Goldman, Ari L, Being Jewish (Review) 1,13 Rabbis Talk About Intermarriage, by Gary If you haven't registered Grady, Janett L. 2,11 Tobin and Katherine Simon Great Bible Adventure, The, by Jill Gupta (Review) 1,11 for the conference yet, (Review) 2,10 Ray, Brenda, The Midwife's Song please do so right away. Gupta, Jill, The Great Bible Adventure (Review) 2,13 (Review) 2,10 Reviews 1,7; 1,8; 1,9; 1,10; 1,11; 1,13; 2,10 The places are filling up "Har-Even, Judyth" (pseudonym) 5,9 Rhodes, Roberta 1,13 fast, and the conversa• Hawxhurst, Joan 1,3; 1,7 Rosenbaum, Stanley Ned 1,1; 2,10; 3,6 Heimowitz, Lillian Pivar 2,9 Rosenbloom, Oscar 3,9 tions will be both stimu• Hodson, Margot R., A Feast of Seasons Rubin, Neil 6,9 lating and nourishing! (Review) 2,10

Dovetail's mission is to provide a channel Dovetail (ISSN 1062-7359) is published of communication for interfaith couples, their bimonthly (6 times per year) by: The Dovetail Dovetail's Staff parents, and their children. No matter what Institute for Interfaith Family Resources, their specific choices regarding faith for their 775 Simon Greenwell Ln., Boston, KY 40107; home and children, the more interfaith tel 800-530-1596; fax 502-549-3543; families can share their ideas, experiences, Email [email protected]. Mary Helene Rosenbaum resources, and support, the more they can Editor make peace in their homes and communities. A one-year subscription is available for Jewish and Christian perspectives can dovetail. $29.95 from the above address. International subscriptions are $35.00. Single issues are Dr. Silvine Farnell Believing that there are no definitive answers to available for $5.50 each. (Michigan residents the questions facing interfaith families, Dovetail please add 6% sales tax on back issue orders.) Associate Editor strives to be open to all ideas and opinions. Editorial content attempts to balance and respect Dovetail welcomes article submissions the perspectives of both Jewish and Christian (query or completed manuscript), letters Joan C. Hawxhurst, M.A. partners in interfaith marriages, as well to the editor, and comments or suggestions. Send to M. H. Rosenbaum, Editor, at the Founding Editor as the diverse perspectives of parents and children of interfaith couples. Inclusion above address. in Dovetail does not imply endorsement. Copyright © 2002 by William D. Rosenbaum Dovetail accepts a thoughtful and constructive di.scussion of all related issues in the Letters to The Dovetail Institute for Design Consultant the Editor section, and reserves the right to reply. Interfaith Family Resources. All rights reserved.

July/August 2002 page 2 When Interfaith Couples Need Help by Susan Sances and Paul Sanders

hen interfaith partners In either case, they have consistently Paul Sanders, Ph.D., and Susan struggle in their relation• glossed over nagging cultural Sances, Psy.D., are both clinical ship, they may assume tensions. W psychologists in Chicago, where that cultural differences don't have Couples who try to deny and conceal much bearing on their particular they practice individual and couples cultural tensions actually tend to situation, or they may see their psychotherapy and coaching. They become more emotionally distant, interfaith issues as the whole isolated, lonely, secretly resentful, are also an interfaith married couple. problem. Judging from our experi• and depleted. Interfaith concerns Together they have founded ence as therapists, the truth tends may be among several significant to lie somewhere in the middle. Interfaith Holidays, a consultation issues they are ignoring. Because they service committed to helping Interfaith cultural differences very try to avoid conflict at all costs, they interfaith couples share their often do matter; in fact, denial of are vulnerable to unexpected differences can sometimes drive outbursts or serious withdrawal. By traditions. Their web address couples apart just as powerfully as the time they reach a counselor, they is http://interfaithholidays. com. clashes over them. When interfaith often feel deeply estranged and partners actually struggle with their bewildered. differences, however, the greatest destructive potential often lies in Where unspoken cultural and how the partners manage conflict, religious issues are part of the mix, not in the actual differences. we as therapists try not to miss them. Simply pointing out the ignored All couples wrestle with tension as issues may not be enough, however. they try to achieve a balance between In the case of very avoidant partners disagreement and remaining close. It who deny potentially explosive is true that interfaith differences can feelings, we may need to reinforce easily upset that balance. We often general skills for tolerating and see this at crucial moments in the Hfe managing conflict as they begin to cycle of the relationship: planning address unacknowledged tensions. the wedding, birth of a child, deciding on family rituals, rites of Gridlocl< passage for children, sickness, and A second scenario involves couples loss. Not all couples run into trouble who are aware of their interfaith over these challenges, however. Here differences, but don't know what are three ways that religious/cultural to do about them. Typically, we see tensions, even when not conscious, these relationships when they are can put a marriage at risk, and how thrown into upheaval at the prospect counseling can help. of an emotionally loaded religious/ cultural event. Early in the relation• Avoidance of Differences ship, differences in traditions may In the first scenario, the marriage have seemed benign, or even appeal• is not working and one or both ing. Now, suddenly, they seem to partners are dissatisfied, but unaware threaten one another's identity. of the impact of their religious and How well partners navigate this sort cultural differences. Sometimes both of upset ultimately depends on how partners have downplayed their effectively and respectfully they traditions; in other situations, one wrestle with each other's needs. partner may have ostensibly taken Impasse can lead to bitterness. on the religious identity of the other.

July/August 2002 page 3 ^Dovetail

criticism, and disdain for each When a couple worries that their other's tradition, recurring power relationship cannot handle conflict, struggles over celebrations, and turf they avoid tension for the sake of battles over the spiritual education harmony, and over time their rituals of the children. fail to reflect the richness of their individual differences. Without Why do some couples lock onto their periodic soul-searching, such differences more destructively than interfaith couples tend to stick with others? Often it is because of spiritual practices that feel bland and unresolved emotional blocks to meaningless. Consequently, at times honoring each other's traditions. when they should feel closest, These internal blocks can include partners find themselves spiritually (1) fear of alienating families of disconnected. origin; (2) conscious or unconscious guilt over the betrayal of ancestors; While therapists are not spiritual (3) defenses against feelings of advisors, they can help these couples strangeness, and other threats to on the road to growth. The goal is to one's own identity; and (4) wariness support partners as they discuss and overreaction prompted by unmet spiritual needs more boldly, worries about threatening the so that they can creatively explore The goal is to help these partner's identity. fresh and evocative practices. When the environment is safe, and the couples share the anxiety, Helping interfaith couples get past communication is respectful and the usual arguments to the deeper guilt, and insecurities caring, relationships not only sur• meanings can be difficult work, vive this kind of rigorous explora• evoked by their most requiring a safe setting and ground tion, they deepen and grow. We call rules for hearing each other out in troublesome differences. this process respiritualization. new ways. The goal is to help these couples share the anxiety, guilt, and Final Note insecurities evoked by their most troublesome differences. Therapy It is not always easy to keep interfaith can provide a context where tension tensions in perspective. Couples can lead to greater understanding therapy can be helpful when serious and intimacy, rather than habitual tensions are not acknowledged, when acting out, distance, and contempt. underlying emotional blocks are leading to gridlock, and when there Yearning for Spiritual is difficulty achieving spiritual Connection vitality together. The unwavering goal of the therapist is to provide Finally, some interfaith partners seek safety and the tools couples need to help to get through an impasse in address differences while remaining their spiritual life together. They are close. As in all good relationships, a not necessarily in conflict, but they flexible balance between conflict and do have a sense that they want more. intimacy is key. Once that is estab- Their observances have come to feel hshed, partners can make use of a boring and empty. Often, this is host of resources: friends, family, because cultural dialogue has been spiritual advisors, religious commu• short-circuited. nities, support groups, and most important, each other.

July/August 2002 page 4 Problems with Jewish Institutions by Todd W. Singer

atting my right hand as its members have held and continue Todd W. Singer served as a county it rested on her palm, she to hold divergent interpretations of judge in the Oldahoma and during tearfully thanked me for Jewish tradition." In effect, each P his tenure officiated at thirty-five listening. She and her fiance left my Reform rabbi has become a gate• office with cautious optimism. They keeper, vested with authority to interfaith weddings. A Reform Jew, had been confounded by the news deny any Reform Jew an interfaith his BA is from , they had received from experts, and wedding ceremony. where he majored in literature and they had come seeking a second Reform rabbis, authors and support• minored in Near Eastern and Judaic opinion. Mine. I had assured them ers of the CCAR's resolution, assure this episode of pain would not last, Studies. He and his Roman Catholic interfaith couples that children born but inwardly I was convinced such wife. Dr. Kelley B. Singer, have two of "mixed marriages" are accepted as episodic pain would be both chronic boys, Oskar and Otto, whom they Jews. How then can these rabbis and recurrent. Their pain, and that explain to those same children that are raising as Jews. of others like them, is not the result they refused to officiate at their of multiple sclerosis, chronic myel• parents' weddings because such ocytic leukemia, or degenerative marital unions constitute forbidden joint disease. This young interfaith crossbreeding and risk producing couple's only dis-ease is their abiding dubious moral characters? love for one another. Their pain is actually caused by the theories of The CCAR has recently voted that the expert they consulted before they "the relationship of a Jewish, same came to me, a rabbi who refuses to gender couple is worthy of affirma• conduct their wedding ceremony. tion through appropriate Jewish In a heartland metropolis, I was the ritual." Yet the CCAR continues to county judge who became for many oppose all interfaith marriage, even like them the referral of last resort. at the expense of those who are committed to raising a Jewish family. Despite the xenophobia from which As our synagogues continue to this couple suffered, more than half accept generous dues and contribu• of American Jews are marrying non- tions from our interfaith families, Jews. Statistics reflect that of those the practices of our Reform rabbis entering into the covenant of inhibit these families' participation interfaith marriage, less than a third in the Jewish lifecycle. Many Reform are prepared to choose Judaism as rabbis refuse to perform interfaith their family's faith tradition. Have wedding ceremonies or to eliminate Reform Jews chosen to forsake their exclusionary teachings condemning Jewish roots out of disloyalty? Or is interfaith marriage from their the problem due at least in part to sermons and religious school lessons. our own Jewish clergy? In 1909, For many Jews, shalom Some rabbis fuel discord by refusing almost a century ago, the Central to inscribe the name of the non- bayit Conference of American Rabbis (peace at home) Jewish parent on brit milot/baby- (CCAR) concluded, "Mixed marriage has become an ethical naming certificates. Other rabbis is contrary to Jewish tradition and forbid the non-Jewish parent the should be discouraged." In 1973, the mandate, demanding honor of passing the Torah to the CCAR reaffirmed its "opposition to that we attain community bar/bat mitzvah child. Large num• participation by its members in any bers of rabbis still refuse the uncon• ceremony which solemnizes a mixed harmony by practicing ditionally desegregated burial of marriage," with the caveat that the G-d's love. interfaith couples. CCAR "recognizes that historically

July/August 2002 page 5 1^ Dovetail

Advocates for the display of weddings and interfaith burials, let the Confederate flag over South Reform rabbis be encouraged to Carolina's capitol argue that, for integrate interfaith families into the HOW TO ORDER them, the flag represents a state's spiritual joy of Jewish ritual, without DOVETAIL: inherent right to secede from the seeking conversion. Union; that it is an historical relic • Proclaim a ban on the usage of all To place a credit card order for that resurrects the image of General the language of negative stereotyp• your own or a gift subscription Robert E. Lee. Arguing that the flag ing, such as shiksa, shaygetz, shkutz, to Dovetail, please call will not evoke the memory of Jim shvartza, and goy. [Ed. note: if you Crow laws or the evils of slavery, 800-530-1596. To order by mail, don't know tlte meanings oftJtese supporters deny that its display, in send your check for $29.95, terms, congratulations.] effect, is a symbol of hate. Sadly, made payable to DI-IFR, to: some zealous rabbis have a similar For many Jews, shalom bayit (peace faith in their own crusade. Yet surely at home) has become an ethical Di-IFR creating barriers between a member mandate, demanding that we attain 775 Simon Greenwell Ln. of one's congregation and a loved community harmony by practicing Boston, KY 40107 one is evidence of a denial of Adonai G-d's love. By unconditionally Echad, one G-d. opening the doors of all Reform Special Offer: Send $59.95 for synagogues to interfaith families Through cheshbon hanafesh, an a one-year membership in The we validate that Jewish tradition and intense self-evaluation, we can Dovetail Institute for Interfaith encourage our members and their complete teshuvah, atonement, for families to stay in the fold. Family Resources. This includes the sins we have committed against a year's subscription to Dovetail, interfaith families. We can perform Hoping the rabbi's rebuff was a brief a 10% discount on conference tikkun olam, repair of the world, with though painful chapter in their Book fees and tape or transcript costs, certain measures that will help curb of Life, the wedding couple stares the mass exodus of our fellow Jews and automatic inclusion on the lovingly into each other's eyes. and their families. By assisting those Family and friends from both faith mailing list for free brochures interfaith families who seek a traditions witness their covenant on interfaith topics. This sum positive role in our Jewish commu• with G-d. Their celebration is one also includes a $30 tax- nity, we can actually increase their of diversity. Their prayer is one of deductible donation to this non• loyalty to the Reform Movement tolerance. Committed to their love profit organization, and will help via the following steps. for G-d, and G-d's love for them, neither the bride nor the groom us continue in our work of non- • Ratify an inclusive and non- claim sole ownership of an Eternal judgmental research and pejorative resolution. The CCAR Truth. Enveloped by their love, I education in Jewish/Christian should demand that its rabbis proudly place a glass beneath the uniformly embrace all interfaith marriage. foot of the groom. He stomps upon families within the Reform Move• Thank you for your support. ment. By repealing its denunciation it and thunderous applause follows, of the solemnization of interfaith with a rousing "Mazel Tov!" The ceremonies, the CCAR can promote sound resonates to a world where reconciliation between the Jewish love conquers doctrine, unity and Christian communities. surmounts exclusivity, and knowl• edge shatters aU fear. ^ • Direct rabbis to facilitate the participation of interfaith families in all Jewish lifecycle events. From births to bar and bat mitzvot, to

July/August 2002 page 6 The Question of Israel by Arthur P. Nemitoff

am and Sara had "made it" how to feel about Israel, how to talk Rabbi Arthur P. Nemitoff is Senior as a couple. They had worked about Israel, who to support in the Rabbi of Temple Israel, Columbus, through the Christmas tree ever-evolving conflict. S Ohio. He has dedicated much of his and Hanukkah menorah dilemma. Following are some questions They had negotiated how to ac• twenty years in the rabbinate to interfaith families might ask them• knowledge Passover and Easter with working with interfaith couples, selves, as well as suggestions for how their respective extended families. helping them navigate the path of interfaith families might dialogue They figured out which religious about Israel and the current conflict. Jewish choices. school to send their children to and (When speaking of Israel, we refer had committed themselves— here to the territorial borders of the together—to share in one faith. state of Israel, to those territories But then, trouble arose in Israel. The under Palestinian authority, and to Palestinians rejected Israeli offers for those territories whose sovereignty is sovereignty. And the violence began. disputed between the various parties It wasn't on Sam and Sara's family in the Middle East.) radar scope yet. But then the violence intensified—suicide bombings Questions throughout Israel, Israel's incursion • What does Israel, the place, mean to into Ramallah, the destruction of the you historically? Jenin refugee camp. • What does Israel, the place, mean to And all of a sudden, Sam and Sara you spiritually? realized they were in trouble. • What is your relationship—actual Sara began emailing her friends and and spiritual—to the people who live family, asking that they call or write in Israel? the President and ask him to support Israel. She went to their community's • Why is Israel important to you? rally in solidarity with Israel. • How do you feel about the plight of

Sam heard about the plight of the the Israelis, who fear suicide bomb• Palestinians when attending church ers? with his parents on Sunday. His sister • How do you feel about the plight of sent him plaintive emails from a the Palestinians, who have little hope friend in the West Bank, describing for a better future? the destruction and loss of family, Suggested Further • How do you understand the values the arrests of thousands. Reading of "freedom," "security," and "peace?" Sam and Sara sat around the table Voices From Jerusalem: Jews one night with their children. They Suggestions and Christian reflect on the Holy wanted to discuss Israel, how they— • Most Jews associate attacks on Land (Mahwah, N.J.: Paulist as a family—should feel and act. And Israelis by suicide bombers as a form Press, 1992) for the first time in their marriage, of anti-Semitism or coming from an they were on different sides of a This is part of a series, "Studies anti-Jewish prejudice. For Jews— growing chasm. in Judaism and Christianity" in especially with families who lost the Stimulus series by Paulist Sam and Sara are not unique. members in the Holocaust—the fear Press. Rabbi Leon Klenicki is one Interfaith families are finding of anti-Jewish hatred and persecu• of the editors of the series. themselves split over Israel— tion is real and palpable. Also, many

July/August 2002 page 7 Dovetail

Jews cannot separate out tJie plight Together, a family can climb Masada, Dovetail's Editorial of the Palestinian people from the and learn why that place and story is Advisory Board propaganda that Arab and Palestin• so deeply imbedded in the Jewish ian authorities spread regarding both heart. Together, families can visit Rabbi Dr. Arthur Blecher Israel and Jews. So, any discussion of Tiberias and experience the Christian Licensed Professional Counselor, Israel, the place, has to recognize this and Jewish history intermingled Washington, D.C. "baggage" that comes along with a there. More than any dialogue— Nancy Nutting Cohen Jewish psyche. more than any reading—a trip to Founding Member, Twin Cities Interfaith Israel will open the hearts and minds Support Group, Minneapolis, Mn. • Many Christians (and those of of all the family members, leading to other faith traditions, as well) see Dr. Eugene Fisher a greater appreciation and under• the Palestinians as a people who have Director of Catholic-Iewish Relations, standing of each individual's views of National Conference of Cathohc Bishops' lived in squalor for almost fifty years Israel. Secretariat for Ecumenical and Inter- and have not been given the oppor• religious Affairs and a member of the International Vatican-Jewish Liaison tunity for self-determination. Interfaith families face many Committee, Washington, D.C. Christian communities reach out challenges in molding a shared life to these underprivileged Palestinians that respects two faith traditions. Rev. Betty Gamble and—in good Christian tradition— One challenge is how each partner Associate General Secretary, United Methodist General Commission on Christian Unity & want to do all they can to bring them looks at the world, and particularly, Interreligious Concerns up into a life filled with dignity. So, at Israel. Only with open and any discussion of Israel, the place, heartfelt dialogue and mutual Rabbi Julie Greenberg Director, Jewish Renewal Life has to recognize the human pain felt learning can such challenges emerge Center in Philadelphia, Pa. by many Christians on behalf of into ties that strengthen the family the Palestinians. bonds. 7^' Joan C. Hawxhurst Founding editor of Dovetail, president of • There are many historical sites in Dovetail Publishing, Inc., author of Bubbe and Gram: My Two Grandmothers the land of Israel that are holy to This article originally appeared Christians, Jews, and Moslems. Rev. Julie Parker on lnterfaithFamily.com and is A wonderful starting point for an Ph.D. candidate. Old Testament Studies, reprinted with permission. Yale Divinity School, New Haven, Ct. interfaith family is to research and learn about why these particular Please visit Rev. John Wade Payne places are special to a given faith Co-Author of Happily Intermarried: www. InterfaithFamily com. Authoritative Advice for a Joyous Jewish- tradition. Why is Jerusalem so Christian Marriage important to Jews, Christians, and Moslems? What are the places we Rev. Bernard Pietrzak Roman Catholic counselor to interfaith share? How do our traditions vis-a• couples in the Chicago area, based at St. vis Israel overlap? This is an oppor• Raymond Church, Mt. Prospect, 111. tunity to discover points of conver• gence. Dr. Stanley Ned Rosenbaum Adjunct Professor, Louisville Presbyterian Seminary and Univ. of Ky.; Co-Author of • The most exciting experience an Celebrating Our Differences: Living Two interfaith family can share is a trip to Faiths in One Marriage Israel. Given current events, it maybe

Oscar A. Rosenbloom wise to plan a trip in the future— Founding Member and Cantor of the next summer or the year after that. Interfaith Community of Palo Alto, Ca. Then, with shared eyes, a family can visit the Via Dolorosa, the path Jesus

Membership on Dovetail's Editorial Acivisorv Board does walked in Jerusalem—a walk not necessarily imply endorsement of the articles and revered by many Christians. opinions expressed herein.

July/August 2002 page 8 Sacred Journeys: New Vatican Document by Neil Rubin

an Catholics validate—albeit suggest that the Jewish Scriptures are Neil Rubin is senior editor of the outdated or surpassed. ...The Jewish disagree with—a "Jewish Baltimore Jewish Times. understanding" of the reading of the Bible is a possible one, messiah, acknowledge a "Jewish in continuity with the Jewish reading" of the Torah, and accept Scriptures of the Second Temple that for Jews the sacred text does period, a reading analogous to the not predict Jesus' life? Christian reading, which developed in parallel fashion." The original version of this Not long ago, even the questions were heretical. But the latest work of • "Jewish messianic expectation is article appeared on 2/17/02. a Vatican commission responds with not in vain....Like them, we too live This excerpt is reprinted with in expectation. The difference is that a resounding "yes" to such questions. permission of the Baltimore for us the One who is to come will This latest push of interfaith theo• Jewish Times. The full text have the traits of the Jesus who has logical study—already seen as a already come and is already present of the Pontifical Biblical hallmark of Pope John Paul II's and active among us." Commission statement is legacy—comes with the recent English printing of the nearly 200- • "It would be wrong to consider the available in English online page "Pontifical Biblical Commission prophecies of the Old Testament as at http://www. Vatican, va/ Statement on the Jewish People and some kind of photographic anticipa• roman_curia/congregations/ Its Sacred Scriptures in the Christian tions of future events," meaning the cfaith/pcbjndex.htm Bible." Quietly published in French, life of Jesus. "The messiahship of Italian and Polish this winter, it is Jesus has a meaning that is new and now creating a buzz in North original." American interfaith circles. • "The New Testament polemical Exploration—and criticism—of texts, even those expressed in gen• the Commission Statement found eral terms, have to do with concrete expression May 7, 2001 at the historical contexts and are never Catholic University of America meant to be applied to Jews of all School of Law in Washington, times and places merely because D.C, as about 40 Catholic and they are Jews." Jewish theologians gathered for Last January, Vatican spokesman a nearly five-hour symposium. Joaquin Navarro Vails told the Jewish Jews at the event (which was spon• Telegraphic Agency that the new sored by the Rabbinic Committee document is now part of official "The topic is sensitive for Interreligious Dialogue, Catholic church doctrine. University's Interdisciplinary and it's complex. It has "The topic is sensitive and it's Program in Law and Religion, and complex," Baltimore's Cardinal profound implications the U.S. Conference of Catholic William H. Keeler, the pope's Bishops) included Reform, Conser• for what the church will representative in North America for vative, and Orthodox rabbis. , told the gather• say to the Jewish Among the themes of the new ing. "It has profound implications community in dialogue Vatican paper, ones that the pope has for what the church will say to the long advocated but that are only now Jewish community in dialogue and and for what the church being formally acknowledged: for what the church will teach its will teach its own own community." • "By [saying] 'Old Testament' the community." Christian Church has no wish to

July/August 2002 page 9 Dovetail

Continuing one of his long-standing just historically not very possible," over the commission's citing the New themes, he said, "It's also important he said, referring to the scene where Testament's metaphor of a "root and to Jewish participants as well, as they Jesus is allegedly turned in to the branch" to elucidate the ties of see and react to our own understand• Roman authorities by Jewish ones. Judaism and Christianity. "Salvation ing and its implications, as they react is promised to the remnant of Israel, Papers presented by Jewish scholars, to their own understandings and and that remnant is identified as Jews however, had a more blunt tone, if teachings." who come to believe in Jesus," he not a confrontational style. For said. "Judaism is almost seen as an For nearly 19 centuries the history example. Rabbi Jack Bemporad, head incubator to Christianity. So I don't of the church included Christian of the Seacaucus, N.J.-based Center see it doing what the pope said some antipathy to, subjugation of, and for Interreligious Understanding, documents should be doing, which is violence against Jews as the perceived told the gathering, "The document to understand Judaism in its own murderers of Jesus. Such animos• evinces little awareness of the great terms." ity—verbal and physical—has debt the authors of the New Testa• notably diminished since 1964, the ment owe to Rabbinic Judaism." Such thoughts were reinforced by Dr. year that the Vatican II Council Mary C. Boys of Union Theological He and other Jews criticized the rejected anti-Semitic teachings and Seminary in , who is commission's use of the Dead Sea urged "understanding and mutual Catholic. "This strikes me as a Scrolls as emblematic of Second esteem" with Jews, "born especially document that was not written by Temple-era Judaism. Many historians from biblical and theological study, people who live with and are familiar speculate that Jesus spent time with as well as from fraternal dialogue." with Judaism today. ... Maybe this the Dead Sea sect, but that group was a document that was written too At the Catholic University event, seems to have had little if any much in the library and not with real some Catholics continued that influence on the surrounding larger relations and not enough attention dialogue. As the Rev. Dr. Joseph Jewish community of antiquity. to history," she said. Jensen of Catholic University's But, Rabbi Bemporad emphatically School of Religious Studies said But the Rev. Dr. Mallon responded added, the commission's work is "a before a lengthy review of the new that the commission intended to singularly important document in paper, "An occasion like this cannot address Jews as represented in the Catholic-Jewish relations" for the begin without thanking the Jewish New Testament. "It's not a document new conversations it stands to open. people. ... We could hardly begin about contemporary Catholic-Jewish with any better than the concept of Displaying the differences in Jewish relations and its history," he said. God, which they have given us." opinions, in his presentation Rabbi Several days after the event. Rabbi Dr. Martin Cohen of Hebrew Union Other Catholics, such as the Rev. Dr. Bemporad was digesting the pro• College cautioned all present: "With Elias Mallon, acting dean of Auburn ceeding, whose transcript will be part all due respect to the authorities of Seminary, were open about both of a forthcoming book he is editing. your faith, and with all due respect their praise and disappointment. "It was fascinating as to the degree to to the authorities of my faith, do not "It's much like that old nursery which Catholics were willing to regard my faith as older than any rhyme with a twist, that where it's critique their own document," he other," he said, noting the pope's good it's very, very good and where said. "They are eager to have discus• use of the phrase "elder brothers" it's bad it's not that bad," he told the sion." And despite his disappoint• to describe the relationship of the theologians in delivering his paper. ments, the veteran of interfaith church to Jews. "We are siblings who dialogue added, "I never in a miUion At one point, he seemed to hint at have survived from a greater number years would think that they would the need to reinterpret portions of of siblings." write that 'the Jewish expectation of the New Testament. "It's very the coming of the messiah is not in unlikely that the high priest could Rabbi Dr. Eugene Korn, director vain, and that, in fact, it can help us.' call together at his beckoning the of interfaith affairs for the Anti- That's a remarkable statement." Sanhedrein for a night meeting. It's Defamation League, raised concern

July/August 2002 page 10 Problems in the Catholic Church An interview by IVIeinrad Scherer-Emunds

t's a zoo," sighs Father Donald tions because they have indeed been Meinrad Sctierer-Emunds is B. Cozzens, who had been responsible and loyal churchmen. executive editor of U.S. Cattiolic, in hoping for a quiet sabbatical to And when the church's reputation I wliict) this interview first appeared. finish writing his next book. Instead, and the sanctity of the priesthood are the bestselling author of The your top priorities, then you may end Changing Face of the Priesthood up framing scandals as mind- (Collegeville, MN: Liturgical Press, boggling as the abuse of minors by 2000) has been patiently fielding an priests in ways that will make you endless flood of calls from the speak and be heard as less than national media. honest and candid.

In the current media frenzy around MS-E What seems to have con• the scandals of priest sexual abuse founded many Catholics is an and diocesan cover-ups, Cozzens apparent lack of compassion, stands out as a frank and insightful understanding, or maybe protective voice of reason and—being a former instinct on the part of church leaders seminary rector and vicar of in terms of the victims. What do you priests—as someone who knows think the U.S. bishops can and what he's talking about. Cozzens should do to signal to the many doesn't mince words, but he is also victims as well as to all Catholics that We're witnessing here confident that "the Spirit is with us they repent for their complicity in the dawning of the age in this crisis, and we will find a the evil actions and crimes that were of the laity. healthier church as we slowly grieve committed by some of our priests? and heal and move through the DBC I would like to see the bishops present dark night." sincerely apologize to any victims MS-E Many CathoHcs seem most who did not experience the church shocked at what they perceive as an as compassionate, understanding, appalling lack of candor and honesty and ready to listen to allegations on the part of some of our leaders. Is of misconduct with an open, that a fair perception? nondefensive posture. I think a clear restatement that the healing and DEC For the most part, bishops and well-being of the victims remains the church officials do not see them• priority of the bishops is important. selves as having been dishonest or as having done anything but try to Many bishops are profoundly serve the best interests of the church. saddened by the abuse their parishio• But many lay Catholics today, while ners have experienced at the hands of they deeply regret the tragic harm some of their priests. We as the done to apparently thousands of whole church need to ritualize this young people, are equally shocked profound concern for the victims, and appalled at what they see as a this profound sadness for the tragedy cover-up and as dishonesty and lack they have experienced. Reprinted with permission of candor on the part of many of our church leaders. MS-E What kind of ritual? Perhaps a from U.S. Catholic magazine, penance service? Claretian Publications, I feel that the root of this problem DBC On Holy Thursday in my home www. claretianpubs. org, may be a theologically naive under• diocese of Cleveland, the bishop standing of loyalty and responsibility. 1-800-328-6515. washed the feet of a woman who had These men are in leadership posi•

July/August 2002 page 11 KT^ Dovetail

been abused by a priest. She also I would love to see the bishops hear that charge, I could counter that spoke briefly at the Eucharist. appreciate the need to have struc• in some sense there has never been a Perhaps some other bishops did tures built into their conference that more profound democracy in the something similar in their dioceses. would allow laity and their priests to history of Western civilization than speak when appropriate, and of the church. I'm not talking about a [Maybe the bishops] could have a course with the proper expertise, at political democracy, I'm talking Lenten meal to demonstrate their their bishops' meetings. I believe it's about communal discernment of sorrow for any role they may have rather unusual for nonbishops and the presence of the Holy Spirit. played in adding to, rather than nonpriests to speak at their confer• In the early church, leaders listened healing, the pain of the victims. ences. I would also really like to see differently than they do today. And They might also hold a prayer the bishops agree to full disclosure I think the early church leaders service. on how the laity's money is being included women as well as men, I would love to see the bishops invite spent, and, of course, full disclosure ordained as well as nonordained. one or two victims of misconduct of credible reports of misconduct by and one or two sets of parents to priests that would put young people We're witnessing here the dawning address their meeting. I think they at risk. of the age of the laity. The laity, I'm should be victims and parents who convinced, are going to call for I see what's happening today as a have moved beyond anger and greater accountability of church manifestation of an unraveling of the resentment, whose own healing has leaders. Bishops are as committed to clerical culture. By clerical culture I reached a point where they can speak the gospel as anyone, but I think it's refer to a system of privilege and to the bishops as witnesses to the the system in which we clerics live deference, exemption, status, and harm that has gone on. that has led to the spin that the especially secrecy that seems to be official church has put on this Another thing I'd love to see the part and parcel of the celibate scandal—the spin being that only a bishops do is really listen to the priesthood. few bad apples are besmirching the experiences of their people and their I would love to see other U.S. priesthood and the church; that we priests. cardinals and bishops join Cardinal need only to find a way to identify MS-E You've talked before about this Roger Mahony in working to get all them and get them out of the need for a more profound and frank crucial issues on the table for honest priesthood, and then all will be well. dialogue, particularly about the state reflection, study, and discussion— MS-E The current crisis has renewed of the priesthood. Is this an opportu• issues relating to married clergy and discussion of mandatory celibacy nity now to have that kind of the roles of lay women and men in and the all-male priesthood. Is it dialogue? significant church leadership. I am fair to link those questions with the convinced that if we had had parents sexual abuse crisis? DBC First of all, I think we priests involved in the crisis management and bishops tend to listen as hard as that went on in chanceries on DBC I see a link between the abuse we can and therefore may be puzzled allegations of misconduct against of minors and the present system when people call us to listen. But, by teenagers by priests, significantly of the church, which some have our training and by our vocation, we different and better decisions would described as being a sick system. tend to listen for questions so we can have been reached. [But] I'm not making a link between respond with an answer. Or we tend the all-male character of the priest• to listen for problems so we might MS-E But some continue to argue, hood and misconduct. I'm not respond with a solution. "The church is not a democracy." making a link between sexual How do you reply to that? I'm calling for a kind of listening that orientation and pedophilia, nor am would be an honest dialogue, where DBC Involving laywomen and men I making a link between celibacy and the bishops themselves could be in higher leadership levels in the misconduct in itself I am suggesting informed—and even on occasion church does not mean the church is that the present clerical system has transformed.... becoming a democracy. But when I allowed men who see themselves as

July/August 2002 page 12 very faithful to the church to make "agendas." Apparently only liberals DBC I'm not aware of reliable decisions that further harmed people have agendas. Conservatives may studies about the incident rates of who had already been harmed by want to go back to a pre-conciliar misconduct against minors by priest abusers. church, but no one accuses them of Catholic priests that compare them having an agenda; we just see that as with clergy of other denominations So our urgent mission this time is to some strange notion of orthodoxy. or with other professionals who work free the Spirit to really work among with youth—teachers, coaches, scout God's people. And I think it's no MS-E One of the issues currently leaders, social workers, or counselors. longer acceptable to be told that you under scrutiny is the formation of In the absence of those studies, I can may not even discuss certain issues. priests. What message do seminar• only extrapolate from what I ians receive about sexuality? MS-E So you don't buy the argu• experience, what I read in the ment that such talk is exploiting DBC The church's approach to papers, and what is reported. the current crisis for an agenda of human sexuality sends a very mixed Authors such as Philip Jenkins feel church reform? message. On the one hand it raises that the incident rate is definitely human sexuality in marriage to the DBC I think it's unfair to accuse not higher among priests than dignity of a sacrament, so it has a people who would like to have the among clergy in other denomina• remarkable incarnational confidence present system examined more tions. I respectfully disagree, espe• in human sexuality. At the same time honestly of having a "secret agenda." cially when we consider that so many it also shows an almost convulsive I hear this from conservatives of the abuse allegations led to secret suspicion about human sexuality. settlements. regularly, that when people talk And it has overidentified holiness about systemic review and possible with sexual abstinence. So it's hard for us to know how many structural changes in the priesthood, credible allegations have been they're simply out to foist upon the Seeing every deliberate sexual brought against priests, especially church their liberal agenda—married experience outside of marital when the church until recently has clergy, ordination of women, greater intercourse open to procreation as been unwilling to make the numbers roles for the laity in church leadership. not only sinful but seriously sinful known. I think that charge is disingenuous. creates an atmosphere that leads to a guardedness on the part of seminar• If the bishops wanted to, they could MS-E Why? ians and novices. They don't feel they easily find out if the incident rates DBC Every thinking person should can speak openly and candidly about are lower, the same, or higher their experiences of their own have a vision of where the church compared with other clergy or sexuality, because to speak of their should be going. The only way not helping professionals. experiences might be to acknowledge to have an agenda is to stop thinking their own sinfulness. And the church MS-E Could the priesthood appear and to stop imagining. It's like saying reserves such admission to the inviting to abusers? Galileo had an agenda and therefore sacrament of Reconciliation.... he had to be squashed and threat• DBC The priesthood appeals, I hope, ened with not only excommunica• to the best and brightest, the people 1 would hope for a renewed theo• tion but torture and death. Is it fair who are really mature, committed, logy of human sexuality. But many to say that the preeminent theolo• and want to further the gospel. It theologians and bishops are afraid gians of the Second Vatican Coun• certainly does that. But the priest• to go there. cil—Marie-Dominique Chenu, hood can also appeal to people who Yves Congar, and John Courtney MS-E There are different claims don't have a good sense of their own Murray—each had a secret agenda? about whether the incident rate identity, who are conflicted about I don't see that. of sexual abuse of minors is higher their sexuality, and who need the among priests than it is in the mantle of the priest persona to allow I find it interesting that conservative general population. What's your them to feel like they're somebody. - visions of the church are never called read?

July/August 2002 page 13 Dovetail

Recently I've heard bishops say, into the seminary," in addition to MS-E People talk about this crisis "What I'm looking for in a priest [the criterion] being biased, it can't as a historical moment, some even candidate is a man who would make be implemented. There is no perfect going so far as to compare it to the a wonderful husband and father." screening process, and if we tried, 16th-century Reformation. This may And I'm arguing that the priests need we'd be creating an atmosphere of be overreaching, but can this become to have the ability to connect well subterfuge. If a candidate suspected the beginning of a purification and with other human beings. that he was gay and felt a call from renewal for the Catholic Church? God to become a priest, he would And if so, what could you envision MS-E You have written that, in be tempted to hide his orientation as the positive outcomes? contrast to the typical pedophile while going through the admissions in the larger population, some 90 DBC I will leave to historians procedure and psychological testing. percent of priest abusers have been whether this current crisis is compa• men who target teenage boys. In the In addition, we would see our already rable to the crisis we experienced in wake of the current crisis, a Vatican critical seminary situation worsen. If the 16th century. But it is profoundly official and some conservatives in the the church tried to drive gay priests significant by anyone's measure. I United States have picked up on that from the priesthood, it would believe the Spirit is with us in this observation and are calling for a ban significantly weaken our ranks. And crisis, and we will find a healthier on all homosexually oriented priests. to be consistent, we'd also have to ask church as we slowly grieve and heal Is that part of the solution for the the gay bishops to leave. and move through the present dark priest sexual abuse crisis? night. MS-E So if we shouldn't ban gay DBC In my judgment, absolutely priests, should the church do I think the priesthood will be not. It's unfair to the many, many anything about the gay subculture purified. I hope the bishops will committed, effective, talented, that apparently exists in some circles gain a new openness to the pastoral celibate, and chaste gay priests who of the priesthood? experience of their priests and the serve the church today with distinc• lived experience of their people. DBC This is a very sensitive issue. tion. To suggest that gay men should And I believe that the laity will speak Just as there are straight priests who not be priests is mind-bogghng to more candidly to their pastors, the do not take celibacy and chastity me. The church has been served well pastors will speak more candidly to seriously, so there are also some gay by gay and straight priests through• their bishops, and the bishops will priests who do not take celibacy and out its history. We've had gay speak more candidly to the bishop chastity seriously. When we find individuals who are saints. We've of Rome and to the curia. examples of gay priests who seem had outstanding gay bishops. to almost make a mockery of even MS-E Where do you discern the MS-E For example? an attempt to be celibate, we run the Spirit being most at work right now risk of coloring with the same brush in this terrible crisis? DBC I'll mention Gerard Manley gay priests in general. Hopkins. There has been speculation DBC I beheve the Spirit is leading about some highly revered saints and So, are there straight priests who both laity and priests into a period church leaders that I don't think 1 have used the priesthood as a shelter of honest grieving and lamentation, should name. But one current for their sexual activity? Yes. Are and in the profound sadness that has outstanding example is Franciscan there gay priests who have used the gripped our hearts, we will hear the Father Mychal Judge, the brave gay priesthood as a shelter or screen for a voice of the Spirit. My prayer is that priest who gave his life ministering life that is incompatible with chastity the bishops will join their priests and to firefighters on September 11. and celibacy? Yes. Do more gay laity in grieving and lamenting our priests seem to have a cavalier institutional sins as well as our MS-E Is the idea of a ban of gay approach to celibacy than straight personal sins. priests even a realistic option? priests? I don't know. Some think The present situation is the responsi• DBC It's not. If the church said, that there is evidence to support that, bility of us all. ^: "We're not going to accept gay men but we just don't know.

July/August 2002 page 14 The comments on this and the Talking About Israel following page were made by An Intermarried Internet Chat members of the Dovetail interfaith listserv.

was thinking today about how I wish it would stop. I wish two (Reform) and he's Muslim (from Ithe horrible crisis in Israel might women with chOdren were at the Bangladesh). We both agree that be a point of disconnect between negotiating table. I wish for peace. I neither side is without fault. And Jews and their non-Jewish partners. wish I didn't see that look in his eyes we both agree that there should be Even if non-Jews are generally that makes me feel like an outsider ... a Jewish state as well as a Palestinian supportive of Israel, they most likely again. state. We both feel that it is awful don't have the sort of connection to that the Palestinians are committing § I just received yet another of the land that their partner does. I'm acts of terrorism: killing civilians on dozens of e-mails that argue why really grateful that my partner is the street. Israel is justified in its assault. It also open to talking about the situation argues that the world is unfairly without feeling that he has to build However, along with all of these areas against Israel and that we Jews must up a wall around his support of in which we agree, there are certainly stand up to the criticism lest we fall some in which we do not. ... We can Israel, partly because he knows I prey to another Holocaust. Other e- debate some of the issues, but if it am pro-Israel myself. But I became mails tout the utter heinousness of gets too heated, we agree to disagree. friends with a very kind Palestinian- the Palestinians, the pure virtues of American man on a flight last fall, I know that this relationship could the Israehs, and so forth. Most are and I have struggled to make sense not work if our views on the topic marked by a tendency to lump of his perspective on the situation. were really different, but it's okay everyone in a group together. Sometimes I feel as though the fact that they aren't completely the same. that I'm even willing to consider his I grew up with these sorts of senti• § It's amazing to him how passionate views makes me a "bad" friend to ments, and I'm susceptible to their I can get about it. He always asks me Jews. Fortunately, my partner doesn't logic. My Presbyterian wife, though, why? Why do I care '*^so'* much that get defensive as I wrestle with this didn't and isn't. I'm OK with being I have to go to rallies and read the stuff. How are the rest of you doing critical of Israeli policy when I'm with this issue? with other Jews, but when she's news all day and watch the news critical, I turn into Ariel Sharon's when I go home? One of those things § I am Jewish and I am sympathetic mouthpiece. That produces our that I try to explain is that we grow to the Palestinian people. You don't own domestic conflicts at times, but up knowing about and worrying have to hate Palestinians to be pro- I think we often try to calm down about [the situation], and then, for Israel, and you shouldn't discount a and listen to each other. me, living in Israel for a year really person's views based on his race. We made it a part of who I am. He, for should all struggle to make sense of Something drew me to the openness the most part, listens to my ranting each other's perspective. Only then of marrying a non-Jew; I try to listen but has no opinion on it (or maybe can peace really come. to that tendency in myself rather he's afraid to tell me!). I find it very than heed the call for closing ranks endearing when I email him articles § Talking about the Middle East issue and circling the wagons. that upset me or give me hope, he'll is easy. We don't. print them out and read them on the § I was really intrigued by the fact My husband doesn't bring it up. I way home. that both of you said that your don't know what to say. My husband marriages could survive differences is so angry over it all, and I feel like § In our case, I'm the Catholic and in theology, but not differences in some sort of traitor by not waving she's the Jew; but I'm probably the opinion about Israel. Could you say the Israeli flag around and by secretly more hawkish by far. The hard part a little more about why this particu• wishing the U.S. would butt out. is having her scared again. With all lar issue is so absolute for you? the international incidents, she feels I have nothing to which I can like it's again not safe to be a Jew. I § My boyfriend and 1 have had compare this. 1 don't understand try to comfort her, but what can I multiple discussions on the topic how this can be "his struggle," when really say? That's hard. ^ of Israel during the year and a half he is from North Carolina we've been together. I'm Jewish

July/August 2002 page 15 Dovetail

Talking About the To join the conversation, sign on at Catholic Church http://groups. yahoo.com/group/ An Intermarried Internet Chat interfaith.

y husband is watching my Jews have Israel. Muslims probably § My wife (Jewish) and I have been Mresponses to this scandal have the perception that all of them married for almost ten years and we much as one might watch a wounded are "a step away" from terrorists. have three great kids. Neither of us is animal: with interest, compassion, How do we respond in love? overly observant, but we both have a and caution, hoping against hope strong sense of family, morals, and It may help to imagine this as a fight that the animal's instinct will help it ethics that clearly comes from our in your beloved's family. What can recover before too much time passes. more religious upbringings. In an effort to explain to him why I you do? If you take your beloved's We are raising our kids with no have suspended attending Mass and side and say the others were all formal religious training in either stopped financial contributions, I wrong, you run the risk of being religion with the belief that they have shared my feelings thus: From told "Don't attack my family!" wiU embrace a religion on their own. the earliest memory I have of Saying, "You could have handled When they do, we will be nothing receiving any instruction in Cathoh- the situation better," runs even bigger but supportive. With this in mind, it cism, the overwhelming metaphor risks (such as, "How dare you tell me is each of our responsibilities to pass used to describe the church and the how to handle my family!?!"). Of the beliefs of our religions to the relationship between it and its course, even trying to play it safe by children so they can experience the members was "Holy Mother remaining quiet runs its own risks beauties of both faiths. Church." It is that maternal image ("Don't you care about me?"). that disturbs me now. For, much With such a minefield of potential So, how do I do that? Do I tell my as children of incest suffer not only danger, how can you react? Ask kids about scandalous activities in from the sexual act itself but also questions and listen, really listen, the institutional church? Or, do I from the belief/knowledge that really really listen. What kinds of pass on the beliefs and morals while someone—Mother—knew and questions could you ask? pulling a Wizard of Oz (pay no said nothing.... The victims are in attention to the issues behind the "Reading the news lately makes me anguish—and the Princes wrangle curtain)? over linguistic loopholes. How much think it must be painful for you as a more respect I, for one, would have Jew/Catholic/MusHm. Is it? How do My heart absolutely aches for the had following the conclave in Rome you feel? What do you think?" Then church from a local standpoint. For had a simple position been offered: just shut up and listen. If you can do my family, I will present the beauty "Zero tolerance. 'Go and sin no that without correcting, challenging, of the Catholic faith to my kids. But more' (Jesus Christ)." The or debating; then chances are you as my kids get older, I'll present the institution's choice not to hold itself will have just given your beloved warts as well. I hope they will see the to the same inviolate standard that it another chance to fall in love with beauty through the warts. demands of its followers is rankling you. You will have also given yourself § Returning to the topic of how we as to me. I am livid that an institution another chance to understand your an interfaith couple are dealing with that sees my errors only in black and beloved and your beloved's faith/ family. this issue: I think my wife and I share white can see its own in multiple and similar sentiments and opinions on unending shades of gray. I know that § 1 think I might have been driven this matter. ... In spite of my my husband's understanding is out of the Church long ago if not for disappointment and disillusion, clearer now than it was before I my Jewish husband's encouragement. I continue to attend Mass, even shared my personal perspective He keeps reminding me that "the when I don't particularly feel like it. with him, and I, like him, hope Church Militant" is not the same I can "heal" myself before the § This is funny. I found myself as "the Church Triumphant"— wounds develop keloids. reading this post, not having looked somewhat the same distinction at who posted it. I thought, oh, here § I imagine that many of us feel like Jews make between Jerusalem as the is someone with a thoughtful and we are walking on eggshells lately if Heavenly City and Jerusalem as the balanced perspective—and then I we are in an interfaith relationship. earthly, beset current reality. realized: It was my husband! f We Catholics have the sex scandal.

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July/August 2002 page 17 Dovetail

Conference Schedule

Friday

Makom Shalom, 637 S. Dearborn St., Chicago, IL 60605 5:00 pm -10:00 pm Registration 6:00 pm -7:00 pm Catered dinner—Call 312-913-9193 for reservations 7:00 pm -10:00pm Icebreaker, Worship service Saturday Union League Club, 65 W. Jackson Blvd., Chicago, III. 60604-3598, Call 312-427-7800 to reserve lodging. 7:30 am - 8:30 am Registration, 1:00 pm - 2:30 pm Lunch break Worship service 9:00 am -11:00 am Workshops 2:30 pm - 4:30 pm Workshops 5:00 pm - 7:00 pm Workshops Wedding Ceremonies Welcoming/Coming-of-Age Aging and Saging Larry & Lisa Potash Eve & Scott Edwards Dr. Ina Albert Rabbi Michael Tillman Rev. Julia Jarvis Education Kristen & Lee Perlman Eileen Smith David & Patty Kovacs Rev. Ronald Greene, D. Min. Jan & David Kaplan Alicia Torre Raising Interfaith Children Choosing Child's Religion Debi Tenner Nancy Nutting Cohen, LMFT Rev. Bernard Pietrzak Burnout Kate & Micahla Cohen Debi Tenner Nancy Nutting Cohen, LMFT David & Patty Kovacs Pamela & David Kleinman Joan Hawxhurst, MA Jack & Kelly Kovacs Rev. Gary James Sheila Gordon Spirituality Finding/Forming Networks Extended Familv Shara Feldman & Chris Blosser Sheila Gordon Maran Gluckstein Blair Kamin & Barbara Mahaney Oscar Rosenbloom Dan & Abbe Josephs Dailv Life Mike & Bonnie Farnon Dr. Steve Bertman Dr. Susan Sances & Adult Children Dr. Paul Sanders Carol Weiss Rubel Susan Katz Miller 11:30 am -1:00 pm Plenary Old St. Patrick's Church, 700 W Adams St. with Chicago Catholic-Jewish Dialogue: Rabbi Allen Secher & Father John Cusick: "The Couples Group Elephant under the Huppah: 7:30 pm - 10:30 pm Hosted supper & informal program Is Jesus Invited to the Wedding?"

SUNDAY Union League Club 7:30 am - 8:30 am Interfaith service, Catholic Mass 11:30 am-12:30 pm Muslim Intermarriage Closing plenary, Dr. Steve Bertman Dr. & Mrs. Harold Vogelaar & Joan Hawxhurst, MA 9:00 am -11:00 am Workshops Dual-Faith Strategies: "How Can Interfaith Couples Talk Interfaith Couples and the A lewish Approach Cathohc Church: Dealing with Dr. Sylvia Barack Fishman about Israel?" Difficulties 1:00 pm - 2:00 pm (Optional) Dr. S. Ned & Mary Rosenbaum Roundtable Discussion Lunch Discussion, Evaluation Holidav Celebrations (Optional) Cheryl Heinmiller Chicago Interfaith Family School Rev. Ronald Greene, D.Min. Be sure to mention Dovetail when Robynn Barg, MA, LCSW you call for room reservations.

July/August 2002 page 18 Dovetail Institute Third What people National Conference are saying about Dovetail Conferences August 16-18, 2002

Location: Union League Club 65 W. Jackson Blvd., Chicago IL 60604-3598 fantastic Call 312-427-7800 for room reservations ($120/night flat rate) experience Program Topics:

• Life Cycles: weddings, baby-welcoming and coming-of-age ceremonies, a natural spring in remarriages and vow renewals, and funerals the ... desert • Choices About Children: choosing religion, resources, education, and family celebrations • Inner Life: spirituality, burnout, finding other like-minded people, and— Hie ;spirit and a new area for us—interfaith marriages that include Muslim partners • Family Issues: adult children, daily life, grandparenting, extended family

Above all, there will be opportunities to exchange ideas and feelings with people in situations similar to your own, whether you're engaged, raising a young family, living with older children, dealing with the empty nest, or finding your way as We Have grandparents in an interfaith family.

If you're involved with interfaith families as a religious or secular counselor, you A Tool Kit' will find others to network with and draw inspiration from. And, as always, there will be books and tapes for sale, free handouts of ceremonies and other resources, for Life wi:rc and networking lists to keep you in touch. If you're not already a member, send your dues along with your donation to ensure a 10% discount on conference registration fees and all tapes and transcripts.

Register now while there's still room (deadline for cancellation: 8/1/02). '»licnoincnai Please include your tax-deductible donation and membership dues.

We rely on your support!

Mail form to 775 Simon Greenwell Ln., Boston, KY 40107 or call 800-530-1596 or register on-line at www.dovetailinstitute.org.

MEMBERSHIP/SUBSCRIPTION Membership dues for non-subscribers $30 . Membership dues for subscribers New subscription and membership: $59.95 . Renewed subscription and membership: $50 DONATION: Contributor $25 Supporter $100 . Conference Underwriter $1000 . Conference Angel $2000-1- . Designate my donation for the Roberts Fund I wish my donation to be anonymous CONFERENCE REGISTRATION Name: Address: City: State: Zip: Phone: Fax: E-mail: TOTAL PAYMENT Check all that apply $125 Non-member rate (all rates per person) $112 Member rate Group rate additional 10% discount for 10 or more people Visa, MasterCard, check accepted. Payment in full required to process your registration. Check Enclosed. Amount: No.: MasterCard Visa Expiration: Cardholder's Name: Card Number: ^ Total amount $ ^

July/August 2002 page 19 The Perfect Keep-sake for Interfaith Coupler

For the first time a Ketubali, a Hebrew marriage covenent, is available in language especially suited to interfaith couples. Please send me a full The Poetic and egalitarian style clearly expresses an color brochure. interfaith couple's commitment to respect each other's heritage. It is a beautiful ari piece, witnessing the bride and n Please send me a ketubah. groom's promise to love and honor one another. Enclosed is $125 for each ketubah + $15 shipping i and handling. ..ate ! ! (IL residents add 9% sales tax). GOOD www.agoodcompany.com [email protected] Call for Gilding & Calligraphy pricing.

(312)913-9193 P.O. Box 3218 Chicago, IL 60654

Non-Profit U.S. Postage PAID Permit #1040 Leesburg, FL ^ DovetaiA Journal by and for Jewish/Christian Familiels 34748 775 Simon Greenwell Lane Boston, KY 40107

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