The student ‘news’paper of Imperial College London

Guardian Student Newspaper of the Year 2006, 2008

Issue 1,426 Friday 27 February 2009 felixonline.co.uk

felix Inside Clubs and Socs - Behind closed What the opposite sex want, part 2

Thedoors reason for all the construction work explained for you, see page 3

Page 28

Film - Oscar special

Pages 20-21

Fashion - London Fashion Week

RAGIC RAG back on form, findweek out how they did on pagesuccess 4 Pages 26-27

Arts - This isn’t romance

Page 14 2 felix Friday 27 February 2009 Friday 27 February 2009 felix 3 News [email protected] News News Editor – Kadhim Shubber and Dan Wan [email protected] Visa fee hike will deter Beit Redevelopment: valuable overseas students, Bill Gates gives £5 million Medics win yet another nail fear Vice-chancellors biting JPR Williams Cup to Imperial College The story so far Dan Wan Jovan Nedić News Editor Kadhim Shubber Editor in Chief Deputy Editor The Government’s plans to reorgan- Over the past few months, major ise the entry of overseas students is The Bill & Melinda Gates Foundations building work has been going on inside putting higher education into jeopardy, has given Imperial College London a y Jo e Mu ddiman the Union building as part of the Phase vice-chancellors fear. Rising visa appli-

£5 million grant. The money will sup- o b Two Redevelopment of Beit. Last cation costs are the latest development t port an initiative that is manufacturing year, felix reported that the funding in a line of measures the Government inexpensive home tests for HIV in de- ph o was eventually found for Phase Two have implemented to administrate the veloping countries. after the College agreed to give £1.93 considerable proportions of foreign The CD4 initiative was launched million towards the fund [Issue 1391 students at British Universities. with the aim of devising an easy to use – 11.01.08]. The Home Office’s fee for a student point-of-care test with a cost of around Even though the story was reported visa application has already increased $2. Currently three prototypes have over a year ago, students are still con- from £99 to £145. Further mandatory Diana Warwick, chief executive of been developed, one of which will be fused as to why parts of the Union costs that potential students must pay Universities UK mass produced in 2010. Building have been blocked off and to even apply at British universities are This is not the first time that the Bill even more worrying, they didn’t seem set to increase. Students applying for & Melinda Gates Foundations have to know how the Union was going to Visas extensions by post in 2009-2010 abroad commenced an UK degree supported the CD4 initiative. A 2005 change once the construction was will now cost each individual £357, £63 programme for the 2008 intake. These grant of almost £6 million supported finished. more than the current fee. In-person numbers include undergraduate and the first three years of the initiative. At the moment, most of the work that applications will incur a £65 increase postgraduate courses. Warwick argues The latest grant will go towards trials is going on in the Union is for the crea- to £565. these “international students contrib- of the device in developed and devel- tion of a mezzanine level on the second Vice-chancellors are worried whilst ute far more to the UK academically, oping countries as well as funding ini- floor where the new Student Activity the fee increases are not massive, they culturally and financially than they use tial production runs. Centre [SAC] will be stationed, which will be combined with several new in terms of public resources.” Measuring a patients CD4+ T-cells si why parts of Db’s and DaVinci’s have measures to ensure the governance Imperial College would be severely is a critical part of the HIV treatment been blocked to allow room for risers. of overseas students. This in turn will affected if the detriments of these process. Healthcare workers rely on a Below the SAC the main cluster of of- The mezzanine floor that will house the new and improved Student deter the most talented students from measures started to become evident, CD4 count to make decisions about fices will be located, where all the Sab- Activity Centre, with the Union Offices just below enrolling at UK universities, many who with 34.9% of its student body inter- antiretroviral therapy. Many patients One of the richest men in the world, Bill Gates, has donated money to baticals and Union staff will be work- are also courted by American, Austral- national students. Imperial, a univer- in developing countries do not have Imperial on a number of occasions ing. They layout for the Union offices ian and European universities. sity that prides itself on its diversity access to CD4 testing because of cost is still unsure, however the latest plans hand the programme indicated com- ling of the ground floor, which will Diana Warwick, chief executive of amongst its student body, will not only and the fact that specially trained op- show that they will be open plan apart pletion in mid June 2009. That was include the expansion of Da Vinci’s Universities UK, an umbrella group be harmed academically and socially, erators are needed. The new test will until you’re sick to start treatment, you others, it may already be too late.” from the Union President and the delayed by 6 weeks as electrical issues kitchen to connect with DB’s servery, for UK vice-chancellors said: “The in- but also financially. Each international not involve electronis or mechanical have a much poorer outcome than if The Bill & Melinda Gates Founda- General Manager who will have their came to light; identifying, tracing and which will mean that hot food can be crease in fees will come at the same student can pay up to £35,500 per aca- parts, it will tell patients within min- you start based on CD4 count. Our tion has also made contributions to office. terminating old circuits. However, the served on both sides. Other work will time as a number of other changes in demic year for their education at Im- utes if antiretroviral treatment should new test will have a huge positive im- Imperial in other areas. In 2005 a The work for Phase Two was sup- programme has now been extended to include refurbishment Da Vinci’s and the UK’s immigration system and the perial College. be started. pact for people living with HIV across grant of £15 million was given to Im- Wednesday’s JPR Williams Cup was yet another nail biting and posed to be finished by January 2009 include the extra work, fitting out the Union Bar, including cellar modifica- UK government is in serious danger of A similar impact is expected to be “There has been a lot of progress the world.” perial from the Grand Challenges in close encounter between the Imperial Medicals and Imperial according to last years article, but as 2nd floor West as new Union offices, tion, as well as a redesign of Db’s. As sending out a message that it does not seen on other Russell Group univer- increasing access to life-saving HIV Dr Steven Reid, the project manager Global Health Initiative programme College. With both teams in the South Premiership B and both can plainly be seen, the contractors are which was not included in the origi- far as felix is aware, the redesign will welcome international students.” sities. However, the 1994 Group is drugs in the developing world, but the for the CD4 Initiative at Imperial Col- of research sponsored by the Bill and teams struggling in that league, the stage was set for a hard still in the Union working away. Peter nal Phase 2 programme but has been see the stage moved to the back of the Last August saw the announcement understandably concerned also. Paul lack of access to essential diagnostic lege London, added that the reduced Melinda Gates Foundation. The money fought battle. The crowd were certainly not disappointed. Imperial Haldane, General Manager for Impe- made possible by Phase 2 coming in room, creating a bigger open space that Universities and colleges will be Marshall, executive director, said: tests like a CD4 test is a major barrier time waiting for a result was a great was divided between the development College were dominant for most of the game, but their inability rial College Union, told felix that “You under budget. The contractor expects and a better, concentrated focus on the required to “sponsor” students that are “International student recruitment is to providing the best possible care,” step forward: “In resource-poor rural of drugs for the treatment of latent TB to convert penalties to points cost them the match with the amaze me, I’d like to see what it is you to have all aspects of Phase 2 complet- stage for different acts. applying. These institutions first must so delicate that something as small as said Dr Hans-Georg Batz, Director of areas, patients sometimes have to walk and the development of genetic strate- game finishing at 7-7 at the end of regular time. In extra time, base that on.” ed by mid September 2009.” Hopefully the new and improved be licensed by the UKBA. Effectively, changing the price of the visa applica- the CD4 Initiative from the Division of miles to get to a clinic. Even if a tra- gies to block the spread of malaria by the Medicals stepped up to the challenge and eventually won He then went on to explain that The final work to be carried out in Union will be ready just after the new it will make the visa application for tion fee can have a large effect on ap- Medicine at Imperial College London. ditional CD4 count is offered, the pa- mosquitoes. the game 15-7. On the plus side, Imperial were named the overall “When work for Phase 2 was put in the Union will focus on the remodel- year for students to enjoy. international candidates much more plications if students are choosing be- “The majority of patients start anti- tients have to come back in a couple of Bill Gates holds an honorary Doctor- winners of the event and a full round-up will be found in the The difficult. Felix further reported last tween countries and we’re charging a retroviral therapy based on symptoms weeks for the result. By then, some are ate of Science (Medicine) from Impe- Rival, which will be out on the 20th March. year the introduction of compulsory lot of money up front for a visa.” alone. Research shows that if you wait too sick or cannot afford to return. For rial College London. ID cards being issued for international “It’s one of the things that potentially students renewing their VISA. puts people off coming here – it gives More than 100,000 students from the wrong message.”

Felix, Beit Quad, Prince Consort Road, London Dance Area: New facility for dance Snooker club: Unchanged SW7 2BB. Tel: 020 7594 8072. Fax: 020 7594 8065. classes Printed by The Harmsworth Printing Ltd, 17 Brest felix 1,426 Road, Derriford, Plymouth. Registered newspaper APOLOGY TO THE RECTOR Friday 27/02/09 ISSN 1040-0711. Copyright © Felix 2009. Student Activity Centre: On a new mezzanine level In part two of the interview with the Rector Sir Roy Anderson, which came out in Issue 1425 (20.02.09), an error was made. felix Felix was brought to you by: Union Concert Hall: Unchanged quoted the Rector as saying “I have no trouble with high quality researchers saying that they don’t have time for teaching” whereas Editor in Chief: Jovan Nedić Deputy Editor: Kadhim Shubber Associate Editor: Gilead Amit New Union Offices: Open plan office in fact he actually said “I have no truck with high quality research-

LOLCATZ for Sabbs and full time Union staff ers saying that they don’t have time for teaching.” News Editor International Editor Nightlife Editor Dan Wan Hassan Joudi Catherine Jones felix apologises for the mistake made Raphael Houdmont and any problems that this misquote Copy Editors What’s On Editors could have caused. Louise Etheridge Film Editors Rachel D’oliviero Clubs and Societies Space: Union Dining Hall: Unchanged Multi-purpose area for Clubs and Jonathan Lloyd-Williams Zuzanna Blaszczak Lily Topham Societies Jovan Nedić Sasha Nicoletti Jonathan Dakin Editor in Chief Dina Ismail Food Editors

Technology Editor Rosie Grayburn o f t eH W EE K Politics Editors: Richard Lai Afonso Campos Db’s: Stage moving to the far end James Goldsack of the room Katya-yani Vyas Music Editors Puzzles Supremo Peter Sinclair George Charles Murdoch Science Editors James Houghton Mićo Tatalović Alex Ashford Clubs and Socs Editor Daniel Burrows Alice Rowlands Fashion Editor Arts Editors Dan Wan Sports Editors Caz Knight Jack Cornish David Paw Coffee Break Editor Mustapher Botchway Emily Wilson Ravi Pall Photography Business Editor Travel Editor Sami Michaels They say a picture can say a thousand words, hopefully this very crude image will enlighten you as to what Luke Dhanoa Dylan Lowe Tom Roberts is going on. The editor is currently considering a post-grad architecture course- seriously. 4 felix Friday 27 February 2009 Friday 21 November 2008 felix 5 News [email protected] [email protected] News

The world beyond Bumper year for ICU RAG RAG week: crazy kids doing crazy things in the name of charity

college walls Jon Downing & Alice Rowlands

Last week’s Imperial College Union RAG Week was a resounding success; featuring the RCSU Ball, CGCU slave auction and many other events. Stu- Venezuela dents thoroughly enjoyed themselves (see picture right, for evidence of smi- Back in 2007, when Venezuelans first denied their President Hugo Chavez ley faces) and raised money for this the chance to run for more presidential terms after his term expires in year’s charities, Barnardos, Shelter and 2013, he described the result as ‘shit’, and promised to reverse it. The Rainbow Trust. Mr Chavez, launched a new campaign, blatantly using state resources for Last Wednesday proved to be the personal ends. He turned the second referendum into a vote on himself and busiest day; In the afternoon RAG won, but only by a slim majority. Similar referendums on the extension of RAID was set off with students in Presidential powers have taken place in Bolivia, Ecuador and Peru in recent fancy dress and RAG t-shirts journey- years. ing across London to complete a list In a country where oil revenues account for half of the government’s source of tasks and collect money. The RAID of income, when the price falls, the government has reason to be worried. was an astounding success, with one Oil revenues have plummeted (from $92 billion last year to just $26 billion lucky lady - Lu Lu Meng, amassing this year), and Mr. Chavez’s over £200 in her bucket and winning support may slip along the best individual collector prize! A with it. His socialist move- box of Krispy Kreme doughnuts will be ment gains its support from on its way to you shortly. RAG RAID: Woah! Yeah we’re on TV - yeah! We look cool man! Duude! Venezuela’s poor, but the Every lunch time, with help from President assures them they the football club, the Queen’s Tower would not suffer from the was opened for tours which proved to ticket, and I was inundated with phone rowed’ lots of things from LSE, raised crisis. If his support base be very popular; despite having been calls, text messages and emails from money in tube stations- it was great continues to slide, he will on all week the majority of visitors students wishing to acquire a ticket on fun!” be handing over an indefi- turned up of Friday, with large queues the day of the event. I apologise if you In the evening, Alice Rowlands and nite stay in power to the en- and, due to group-size limitations, we were not able to come, but I will shift Tom Post auctioned several nervous- croaching opposition, come even had to turn people away! Tom the blame onto the ruthless facebook looking slaves with around £1500 the next elections. Post wowed visitors with his wealth of publicity campaign. raised in total. One of the more valu- knowledge. Coming up with such clas- “The event proved to be hugely suc- able lots was Mech Eng Senior Tutor, sic facts as: “The top of the Albert Hall, cessful, but lets be honest, with 5000 Dr Crofton, who went for £300 to at- The Queen’s Tour and the centre of pounds behind the bar, how could it tend a peace rally at the G20 summit. the Natural History Museum are in a have gone wrong? Two titans of the student media world, perfect line North-South.” Who knew? “Maya won ‘Best New Club 2008’ Live! Editor Kirsty Patterson and felix With this and the great views (see pic- and it was easy to see why; the classy editor-in-chief Jovan Nedic, entered USA ture below) it was well worth the £3 interior, comfortable seating areas and a bidding war that could have ended to climb the tower. From the top you intimate atmosphere factored in mak- with felix being re-branded as Live! for Secretary of State Hillary Clinton is expected to announce a $900m can see across Hyde Park, and on a ing the ball one to remember. Survey- a week and Live! as felix for the rest (£630m) donation to help rebuild Gaza at a donor conference in Egypt clear day you’ll see the London eye and ing the dance floor, it was clear that the of term. Muttering that the re-brand on Monday 2nd March. even read the time from Big Ben! If you sea of sharply dressed young men and would suit felix as it would look like a The move was leaked by a government official who spoke anonymously, haven’t climbed the 324 steps to the elegantly attired young ladies were en- cheap tabloid to match the standard of also saying that the aid would be routed through non-governmental organi- top ICU RAG may put on some more joying themselves immensely. The ec- writing are probably just disgruntled sations and the Palestinian Authority. But any aid would first have to be ap- tours next term- so keep a look out! lectic mixture of chilled out indie/elec- business school members throwing proved by Congress. It is estimated that the 22-day war between Israel and Other lunch time events included a tro, drum and bass and mainstream their toys out. Hamas has caused about $2bn worth of damage in the Gaza strip. JCR stall with the society Students In dance music proved to be popular as At the same time, running battles In the run-up to the donor conference, anonymous sources have also re- Free Enterprise (SIFE), who were sell- we showcased dJ-ing talent from our with laser guns were being marshalled ported that Hillary Clinton has been pressing Israel to stop blocking aid to ing Tanzanian paintings on behalf of very own students, Fabric and Kiss in the Union quad and members of the the besieged Gaza strip. Currently all borders remain closed, with only inter- a school in Tanzania. If you liked the 100. rugby, hockey and netball clubs toured mittent opening for supplies classified by Israel as being ‘humanitarian aid.’ paintings but was too busy to buy at “Most importantly, a substantial the pubs of South Kensington in spiff- The day after the conference Hillary Clinton will visit Israel and the West the time, contact SIFE at Imperial. amount of money was raised for RAG ing golfing attire. Bank, where senior advisors say aid will be a central issue of discussion. Katya-yani Vyas, from the RCSU which was hopefully a good omen for With money still being counted as committee, helped to organise the fund raising throughout the week.” felix goes to press, RAG has raised at first major RAG event of the week; the Wednesday was a manic montage least £8000 this year, which is a stir- RCSU RAG Ball at Maya in Soho. She of fund raising, with RAG RAID, the ling effort from chair, Jon Downing, told felix: “Following the success of last CGCU slave auction, and pub crawl. who has a final message of thanks for year’s ball we wanted to make sure this within 12 hours. RAG-RAIDER Afon- all those who helped make RAG week year was just as sensational. With tick- so Campos told felix: “RAG raid was a a success: “I’d like to thank everyone Bangladesh ets selling out a day in advance, there great success, the team I belonged to who gave their time to organise RAG was much disappointment amongst raised almost £1000. We did a human this year. The committee has been Chaos erupted in the streets of Dhaka, the Bangladeshi capital, after the those who had not yet secured their pyramid in front of St. Pauls, ‘bor- great!” mutiny of a group of boarder security forces resulted in one death and left many wounded. The dispute was allegedly over pay, working conditions, discrimination and career advancement and the newly elected government has already stepped in and offered amnesty to the mutineers who have now returned to their barracks. The event revealed just how fragile the democracy is in Bangladesh. It has only recently emerged from several years of military rule. Much of the mili- tary’s revenue now comes from the UN, as Bangladesh is one of the largest con- tributors to UN Peacekeep- ing Forces. The large bounty from the UN, which also compensates the govern- ment, does not benefit the border security forces, and this large discrepancy in salary may well have flared Wednesday’s violence.

Edited by Hassan Joudi & Raphael Houdmont Look closely and you’ll see I should have been in lectures when I was at the top of the Queen’s tower! 6 felix Friday 27 February 2009 Friday 27 February 2009 felix 7 [email protected] Comment Comment, Opinion Let us know your views: [email protected] Letters may be edited for length and grammar purposes & Letters Views on these pages are not representative of felix Dan Wan picks a bone with Captain Questions “Sometimes, I enjoy the odd Gilead Amit discloses an all-consuming addiction question, I see it as “Most of us chance to do a bit have our first of ‘extra reading’ passionate affair without having to with a book, and open my eyes” the experience has ou’re so bored you’ve no- glorious want of food. Clearly I’m not year and welcome the insight Captain in front of me. I even enjoy the odd a collection of scrap paper and shoe us hooked for life.” ticed the dusty air settling the only one either, because College Questions brings to their day. You can’t insightful question, I sometimes see it string. You’re just looking towards the on other people’s heads Chicken and Bacon baguettes are al- blame them for spending five min- as chance to do a bit of ‘extra reading’ ceiling to see if you can spot any solid y desk, which offers tions have given as good as they have Something about the way second-hand To think that the books packed into of a genuine physical relationship with as it passes through the ways in rare supply even minutes after utes talking avidly about the research without having to open my eyes. hooks to tie to, and just in time, you’re the largest horizon- got over the past sixmonth, calmly ac- books are brought up makes them ide- those overpopulated shelves have de- literature that is in no need of false incoming sunlight. An an 11am lecture finishes. they’re involved in to answer Captain’s The reason I have such a disdain for saved by the mass shuffling of paper tal working surface cepting whatever load was placed on al bedside companions. It must be all lighted a thousand owners, known a modesty or imposed purity. undoubtedly talented man is speak- As your stomach moans at you questions. If someone asked me about all those Captain Questions out there, into bags as the lecturer duly apolo- in my quaintly mini- their weary bolts and tired joints. The that time spent in musty, dingy, dusty thousand cities and been read a thou- Most of us have our first affair with Ying of the failings of pyrosequencing for sacrificing breakfast for an extra writing for Felix, I’d probably do just is that each of your questions are care- gies for not covering all the slides and ature room, is cur- British soil on which they were mass- and mingy bookstores, watched over sand times builds a powerful connec- a book, whether in the form of a one- in today’s industry, but you’re simply 10 minutes sleep that morning, you about the same. I can’t speak for them, fully constructed to contain 1) the fact running over the allocated 50 min- rently hors combat. The workspace is produced from trees grown abroad has by ardent bibliophiles in sweaters sev- tion with the rest of humanity. To read night stand or a lengthy romance, and impermeable to all his wisdom he is wonder how quickly this lecture will but I assume they also feel obliged you already know a lot more about the utes. As I unravel the makeshift noose Mthreatened by a highly unstable pile doubtless had its effect in producing a eral sizes too big and crooked glasses the soft dedications to parents and lov- the experience has us hooked for life. giving away for free (well, part of the be over. However, there’s always one to answer Captain comprehensively. topic than is being currently discussed in order to put my shoes back on, I’m of books, which casts its shadow over pair of uniquely stoic storage units. protecting their light-sensitive retinas. ers copperplated onto copyright pages; Words, to borrow one of Kipling’s £3000 you’re paying..). The knowledge person standing between you and the However, these five minutes are still and 2) an ‘insightful’ question that you in two minds. One induces a sense of most of the space available in my lit- Their resilience has been truly re- These stores are my spiritual home. to notice the underlining of key pas- most powerful lines, are the strong- he exudes just waits amongst the dusty wonderful taste of chicken, mayon- five minutes further towards my stom- probably won’t listen to because you’re injustice; why should the lecturer be tle cubbyhole. I have taken to working markable, but this last straw has finally Places of pilgrimage, of worship and sages or the scrawlings of distracted est drugs that mankind has ever used. air, swirling around, enticing an oppor- naise and bacon between an oddly half- ach shrivelling into a useless but very too pleased with yourself that you’re apologising for overrunning and not while lying down on my bed, surround- broken their camel-coloured backs. of relaxation – the additional stop I students from past decades pulls one They are simultaneously more addic- tune moment for your brain to switch baked baguette; Captain Questions. painful ball of organ. able to do 1). covering all relevant material? We’re ed by absorbant cushions to protect me Space has run out on their ample am always willing to make no mat- into the maelstrom of the human tive and capable of arousing stronger back on and soak it up. Captain Questions, as you may have You probably think I’m one of those Another graph pops up on the pro- the ones that will suffer when we don’t in the event of a structural collapse. shelves, with books piled horizontally ter how long the day has been or how reading experience. emotions; they can be as dangerous Your mind switches to what you’re already guessed, loves to ask questions. waste students that sit at the back of the jector. The lecturer has just about have any notes for the last 20 slides The reasoning behind this new topo- on top of others and all available gaps many puddles I have been pushed into. Forgive me. To paraphrase Glad- and as soothing; and the variety avail- going to do once you step free of this He, or she, must ask at least one ques- lecture theatre and just sleep or play pointed out the axes, when trusty ol’ when it comes to revision. It’s all due graphical element in the landscape of my crammed with deserving volumes. As a There is nothing quite so peaceful as to stone, I have been carried away by the able on the streets is certainly as likely dusty but apparently beneficial experi- tion per slide despite the collective tut- mental charades with my other per- Captain speaks up again. Another five to the minutes of pointless off-topic cubiculum is simple. I love books. I buy result, the eleven striking tomes which be surrounded by bookshelves full to exuberance of my own pomposity. But to contain lethal impurities. ence. Since I’m far too lazy to make my ting that occurs every time their piggy sonality. I’m not. I ask questions too; minutes of self-gratifying attention questioning. The other thing on my books. My shelf space is exhausted. Ergo are the latest additions to my collec- the point of bursting, and to gently run where the written word is concerned, Books are the easiest way many of us own sandwiches at home, or even to little voice sounds. Of course, most mainly because my brain doesn’t func- from the lecturer, and we finally move mind is that of potential creamy, salty books pile up on the table. Hardly the tion can fit nowhere other than on the one’s finger along the spines of a set of who can blame me? A book is an ob- are able to get our fix. All we have to have breakfast before I leave the house lecturers are delighted to be asked tion brilliantly without these chicken onto the next slide. and meaty semi-delights. sort of syllogism that would have kept desk previously described. entirely heterogeneous volumes in the ject of the most intense passion we do is find an isolated corner, roll some (which to be honest, is disgraceful), my questions. They spew out the same set and bacon baguettes and hence don’t It eventually gets to the point where Sadly enough, guess which mindset I Socrates up nights. No; he was far too This latest mass immigration has hope of striking gold. can bestow upon inanimate objects. paper and let ourselves be transported mind seems only to wander onto the of lectures almost mechanically each understand most concepts laid down you’re preparing your own noose from act upon? busy coming to grips with his own mor- been sparked off by a week spent Perhaps not a first edition Guten- Our need for knowledge and adven- to either heaven or hell on the wings tality – or drinking wedlock – or engaged scouring the second hand bookstores berg or, rarer still, a second edition ture, our erotic attraction towards the of language, propelled by the engine in some other such Attic nonsense. of central London. The families of bat- Jeffrey Archer, but simpler, more unknown, and even our love of other of syntax and guided by the rudder of The space in my private boudoir tered editions clamouring for a better meaningful treasures. The chance to human beings is nowhere else so com- punctuation. The winds of overblown may be limited, but what there is has place to live are hard to turn away. broaden one’s horizons is rarely as pactly and attractively packaged. metaphor are powerless to hold us been used wisely. Two large bookcases In truth, I don’t mind. Not only be- great or as unrestrained, and the sight And while I can sympathize with an down. dominate the South-facing wall – one cause at the moment I’m hammering of two books lying side-by-side that amateur librarian who likes to keep a I will continue to satiate my appetite Kadhim Shubber and his Vespa are not speaking stuck in a convenient nook, the other this out in my departmental common share neither author, nor topic, nor collection in pristine condition, the for words to my heart’s content – and mounted on top of my desk. Thereby lim- room, where the lack of desk space is language, nor century of publication sight of bent spines and dog-eared if this cheap toke fails to satisfy your “ iting my workspace from the word Go. less evident, but because I couldn’t have leads to wonderful and unexpected pages sends a shiver of glee down my cravings, be gentle: I plead guilty of It’s true what These two brave plywood construc- found more charming roommates. mental associations. own warped backbone as an indication writing while under the influence. they say about women, that they don’t tell you what’s wrong until Afonso Campos enjoys being around ‘knowitalls’ the volcano is “Anagnorisis ready to blow” isn’t sudden; it’s y Vespa[1] and I no was never understated, not in her looks she’s only a 49cc scooter). Work at the on for dear life; after ten minutes with References a process of self- longer speak to each and not in her demeanour; she never Union Bar still called and like with all Vesper, I am a shell of my former self, other[2]. We seldom did anything by halves. arguments in public places, Vesper a jittery bag of nerves. [1] - J.D. Hoppinforth, Italian Icons improvement make eye contact That Sunday morning began like and I held our emotions in check until So we don’t speak any longer, we sel- That Define The Zeitgeist, Pages 38- ” and I wouldn’t dream most. My body awoke in bed and my we were both safely home (but much dom make eye contact and I wouldn’t 240. Ed 12, 1943. through time of taking her out with me (her name is mind awoke in the shower. I threw worse for wear) late that evening. She dream of taking Vesper out with me[9]. [2] - James Butterfun, The Big Book of MVesper[3] by the way). We haven’t been on my Union Bar shirt[6] and a fine had tried to re-ignite the argument on My patience is wearing away fast and so Awkward Silences, Pages xii - xvii, Pen- speaking for almost a month now and I day behind the bar lay ahead of me. I the way home but I was much quicker too does my love for her. Now I spend guin, 2010. don’t think that our relationship is go- went downstairs, behind my block of to defuse the situation than the first most of my time on the bus; he’s a good [3] - Mawkish and Loveable, The Not am a true believer that while stead of seeing this as a threatening ing any real changes caused by evolu- two possible outcomes. The first is that My mind is neither weak nor feeble ing to be repaired any time soon[4]. apartments and said good morning to time and after a few minutes of deep friend, stoic and reliable, if not slightly So Big Book of Children’s Names, Page learning is an interesting experi- characteristic in any one person, it tion in our short life spans is close to nothing really changes within you and nor prone to indoctrinations of most I feel pretty sad about the whole Vesper. I gave her ten minutes to get breathing at the roadside, crisis was irritating at times (oh hell, in truth 2, Penguin 2010. ment in itself, it really is mostly seems to be much more enthralling impossible as we are certainly not mu- this is by far and large the most com- sorts. I also don’t change my mind as situation; everything was rosy un- ready (she doesn’t like to be rushed) averted. Of course there were still I hate the bus but at least I don’t fear [4] - Nostradamus, Quatrain 12 (for about realising what it is that to learn from this person. Even if you tating rapidly enough. Bar convoluted, mon scenario. Even though the con- often as might potentially be inferred til the incident. I felt pretty stylish and began my journey up Fulham those snide comments, every now and for my life every time I get on it). And full prophecy see Chapter 12) you do not know, and hence de- don’t necessarily agree with whatever complicated and potentially danger- versation might have been interesting from this comment piece, but truth be whenever Vesper and I hit the streets Road. again the engine would cut out while I although I tell myself that I don’t need [5] - Residential area of London inhab- riving the utmost pleasure from arriv- is being said, there is always scope to ous genetic enhancements (or merely it need not have been enriching in any told, I find very few things in life that of Fulham[5]. I felt like I had truly ‘ar- Then the argument began, she start- was waiting at the lights. a woman in my life, that they are just ited by angry middle-aged Lebanese Iing at the concept that no matter how learn something, even if it is learning changes), there is very little we can way shape or form. are satisfying as changing my mind rived’. I thought that people would see ed shouting. Louder and louder. The I’m still not entirely sure why Vesper trouble, my heart disagrees. I recently men (source unverified) much one does, there is always some- that you have learnt very little at all. actually do on this Earth to feel even Sometimes though, there is one of following a long, conversation with a me ride past on my orange 49cc (not engine began to roar uncontrollably is angry with me. The couples coun- met a new girl from Brick Lane. She’s [6] - Hippocampus of Kadhim Shub- thing new to learn. I find it absolutely Constant questioning for the sake the thinnest and most modest sliver of those perfect moments where every- friend whom I respect. It’s not neces- 50cc, round numbers are definitely not and we sped inexorably towards 90… sellor told me that we lack the self- quite thin and although some people ber, Synapses 3 -7 fascinating that as human beings, we of questioning might seem, and often- evolution within ourselves. thing you hear makes sense, but goes sarily that I like being proved wrong or cool) Italian goddess and think “hey (kph, let’s not get carried away, she’s control to build a fruitful relationship; think she’s just a hipster, I think she’s [7] - He says that’s his name will never be able to capture and ab- times is, pedantic. When done right A way we can taste a little bit of the against something you supposedly have some sort of self-confidence is- that guy knows a thing or two about a 49cc scooter). I reached for the keys that in short, the carburettor was pretty cute. Her name is Pixie; she’s a [8] - Conversation 43, Mechanic and sorb the essence of what it is to belong and for the right reasons however, it nectar is to think about evolution in unequivocally believed in. You begin sue that prompts me to take the view how to treat a lady”. to shut off the engine but in a final act broken[8]. But I worked on it; I fixed ‘fixie’[10]. Kadhim, Collected Conversations: to our species for that would entail a should almost inevitably lead to a little such a way that from now on it includes to question life-long conventional wis- of whoever I am talking to. It is merely But it became painfully clear that I of malice she gave the front wheel a this problem (I should know, I’ve got Rob tells me that I’m making the Shubber and Friends, Random House, comprehensive knowledge, and most bit of self-evolution and increased self- the evolution of personal and collected doms and begin considering not think- that I love the fact that I can, and if didn’t know how to treat this lady. It’s twitch, a twist and we both became the receipt). Still, however, our rela- same mistakes again. “She doesn’t have Vol 207 importantly understanding, of well... knowledge. It is certainly a strange idea knowledge as an integral constituent of ing of them as benchmark ideas or there is a compelling enough reason for true what they say about women, that intimately acquainted with the hard tionship refuses to bear fruit. Because brakes!”[11] he implores. And I haven’t [9] - Paragraph 1 of this piece pretty much everything. to think that we can evolve within our this abstract concept. If we think about personal thoughts. Something strange me to do so, I will change my mind. they don’t tell you what’s wrong until tarmac road. while she tells me that everything is told him but she says she’s not going [10] - Kadhim’s Wishlist, Item 42 While learning about a given sub- life times. The fact that we are seem- evolution in such a manner, every has happened. Something quite magic Anagnorisis is more a process of self- the volcano is ready to blow. I’m still I did the thing that most people do fine, I still see the malicious glint in anywhere with me if I’ve got a helmet [11] - Conversation 56, Rob and Ka- ject adds beauty and objectivity to any ingly stuck in a physically unevolving time any event, conversation or situa- and potentially life-altering. You have improvement through time rather than not sure what I did to sleight Vesper, after an argument; I called my friend. her eye. She gives me clues, like the on, apparently it’s not ‘cool’. But hon- dhim, Collected Conversations: Shub- argument, it is even more beautiful species is an almost universally accept- tion leads to thinking differently about changed your mind. This is the ulti- one of instant gratification and it genu- maybe she hated my faux-chic helmet My housemate Rob[7] left work to left indicator not working, and she estly? I’m just looking for another rush, ber and Friends, Random House, Vol knowing that, most likely, someone ed idea. It isn’t that we are literally not something, we have somehow evolved. mate form of any sort of evolution we inely makes me happy that as human that was labelled “Fashion Helmet” come help me back on my feet (not lit- teases me, she gives the front wheel a the bus will never satisfy any man after 49 will know more about it than you. In- evolving as human beings, but discern- Interesting conversations usually have can almost literally feel. beings we are capable of feeling it. (and she’d be right to hate it), but she erally, again let’s not get carried away, shake, laughing mirthlessly as I cling a moment with Vesper.[12] [12] - Referencing is tedious... 8 felix FridayFriday 21 27 November February 20082009 Friday 21 November 2008 felix 9 NewsComment [email protected]@imperial.ac.uk [email protected] News Kawai Wong loves skinny walking mannequins “Any muffin top on the side will distort the silhouette of a dress which is tightly fitted at the waist”

atural History Museum. Catwalk dresses have complicated measurements without knowing whose ers, PRs, sponsors, make-up artists, best bum. Ever. London Fashion Week embroidery and intricate folds that just body they may eventually fall onto. If a hair dressers, models, seamstresses, There are always criteria people have entrance. 20 women. have to be done by hand. These sam- casting manager books models from assistants... If you have seen the real to conform to for certain professions. Skinny, oriental, pretty, ples are not mass produced by lighting size 6-16. He is putting his head on the backstage, you will stroke the sardine’s I have never seen anyone to appeal for black, white, tall, ugly, needles in a factory. For a collection chopping board. In fact, only 2 weeks head and offer condolences next time varying levels of stupidity in doctors. I fat. Prancing and dancing. A4 leaflet in that shows twice in a year, seamstress- prior to the show the seamstresses you open a tin. Until architects come honestly can’t see a drooling and dazed Nmy hand. I read. I nod. I sympathise. es have around 4 months to finish the start to minor tweak the fittings for up with elastic walls, people need to kid cutting open someone’s gut. Cat- “…We (women) are all different in typical 40 pieces in a showcase. With specific models. be flexible enough to navigate through walk models are required to be shape- appearance…Why is there still a ‘set a piece which may cost up to 200 man Designers ideally want walking dum- the non-existent space. less and slender, just like doctors are look’ that models have to conform to… hours to make, where do they find the mies on catwalks. Someone who looks Whether or not one views models as required to be smart. We are tired of seeing the same type time to gather models A-Z to make bland and faceless enough to not dis- “the perfect women” is really a matter Failing to acknowledge the rea- of girl represented as beautiful…It is specific measurements? tract the audience from his creation. of personal taste. I once wondered why sons why catwalk models need to be time for real women to be counted… A Even if dresses are specifically made Any muffin top on the side will distort Burberry employed a horse for their ad thin, the campaigners are articulate wake up call for this incredibly preju- for models of varying sizes, what if the silhouette of a dress which is tightly campaign. It turned out to be Agyness enough to appreciate the truthfulness diced industry is long overdue…” they drop out? A replacement who has fitted at the waist. Anyone larger than a Deyn. Kate Moss has eyes that perma- of a Dove advert. “Women, be happy of If a 30 year old woman who wears the same “varied height and shape” size 6 in layers of tulle, folds and bulg- nently stare sideways. Karl Lagerfeld what you’ve got”! So why does skinny gold-loop earrings and numerous rings is not easy to find. Does it mean the es will look like a cake. An elephant said “Heidi Klum always has a stupid and tall people – who cannot control on her fingers takes fashion at face dress would have to be remade, or pouncing on the spongy catwalk floor- smile on her face”, and her boobs are their metabolic rates - are worth their value, I understand. For these women worse, discarded? Never forget a fash- ing wearing heavy fabric and toppling “too big for catwalks”. But Agyness has trouble to empty a slot on their busy who actually looked like they have ion show is to demonstrate a designer’s accessories in a pair of 4-inch stiletto that quirkiness that can sustain the diaries to dance on the street then? some brain juice to think that Galliano vision on dresses. It is not a personal will inevitably sink through the stage. chaotic styles that are currently domi- Are you genuinely happy or genuinely must have some unfound rage for fat tailor show. A crowded backstage interview on nating the catwalks. Kate has the im- overshadowed by the skinnies? Jeal- people. I offer far more sympathy for At the time of sewing, the dresses Fashion TV is not a pretence filmed peccable versatility to carry any dress ousy wraps in good will is still jealousy them than to a dying Jade Goody. were made using a standard set of in a studio. Photographers, broadcast- and murder any camera. Heidi has the at the end of the day. If not hypocrisy.

Jaimie Henry takes inspiration from Jade Goody “Jade Goody may have realised, perhaps as we all will one day, that whatever lies in store after death is irrelevant”

he death of Jade Goody ied so much so that the Prime Minister most sickening, bile-spouting excuse down to greed. She knows that she has the money she earns by prostituting will be a profound loss, as himself sends his condolences is un- for a journalist the world has ever seen: lived by the sword, but as death faces herself to the media will support her to my mind she is one of precedented. I can’t fathom why this Carole Malone. You may remember her her already she no longer has to fear soon to be motherless children, per- the more intelligent peo- is, aside from having the world’s best as the one who recently labelled Impe- dying by it, and is controlling her own haps maternal instinct at its best. ple I have read about in re- publicist, but it seems I am being swept rial College as “bigoted half-wits” in an destiny. Though none of these are really the cent years. I am not making a sarcastic up in the consensus. argument a blind, toothless raccoon But despite all of sheer revulsion this reasons why I will quite happily abide Tslight on the terminally ill, I am being For most, death is a time you need could have ripped apart. She has sold behaviour could cause, I cannot fault by this abhorrent exploitation of termi- entirely genuine. alone. The stages of accepting death are the rights to her wedding for over £700 her, for a number of reasons. Arguably nal illness. I don’t believe she is partic- She is best known for being unre- five, and none are particularly pleas- 000, and the television rights for anoth- she brought this on herself by ignoring ularly brave or amazing- no more than markable. From one reality game show ant, and Goody will go through them er £100 000 in a macabre spectacle that a letter telling her to have abnormal the million other cancer sufferers that to the next, from big mouthed to bigot, like every other person on this Earth. follows a dying woman to the grave. cervical cells removed, and I suppose are being treated. It is mainly because she has apparently done nothing of However when walking through the Of course no-one really cares about (even if subliminally) she is looking for Jade Goody may have realised, perhaps note for her entire life. Yet she had at lobby of Charing Cross Hospital, in the atrocities going on around the some cathartic remedy against soci- as we all will one day, that whatever one stage amassed a fortune of over what was a surreal moment given the world, and the only reason people give ety by milking it for everything it has lies in store after death is irrelevant. a million pounds- and for someone number of “ordinary” people on the money at comic relief is a mixture of to offer; we can’t deny her a natural So don’t get caught up in the posters without a career or a company that floors above quietly suffering the same guilt and wanting to see Noel Edmonds psychological response. And I’m sure around College or on bendy buses ar- is no mean feat. She has manipulated plight, her face was on every paper in gunged. As Goody will know a million she never had in mind the fact that guing whether or not God exists and our collective consciousness in a way the shop. I was genuinely surprised to deaths is but a mere statistic and she her plight would cause participation in whether to be happy- just be happy incomparable to anything save for per- find the billboard on Fulham Palace can use this to make the readers of the lifesaving cervical cancer screening to anyway. Because when it comes down haps the “Triumph of the Will.” From Road wasn’t featuring her. Instead of tabloids her disciples in what may end increase by up to 21% in some areas- to the final crunch, all you can do is to being universally hatred- so much so time alone to grieve, she has sold her up being a cult movement. She is get- something that no amount of letters abide by the universal religion of Her that the Indian Government didn’t story to the News of the World and ting the last laugh by cashing in on her and television campaigns could ever Majesty’s head and try and make a bit

want her apologies- to universally pit- been interviewed by, in my opinion, the own despair, but we should not put it achieve. Above all it is said that all of of cash. Picture of the Week Bloody Sun, by Charlie Hennings want to exhibit your art. Send in photographs. We [email protected]

Pick up games magazine ANOTHER CASTLE next Friday 10 felix Friday 27 February 2009 Friday 27 February 2009 felix 11 Science [email protected] Science Science Editors – Mićo Tatalović and Daniel Burrows [email protected] US Cosmetology bans cleaner fish Mićo Tatalović fish in them. Use of pets and animals It is interesting that humans visit Science Editor for cosmetic purposes is also not al- these fish ‘cleaning stations’ for the lowed in the US. same reasons as wild fish: for both Cosmetology boards in several US Other mention ethical issues: these pleasure and hygiene. states, including Florida, have banned fish do not naturally feed on human Marine cleaning stations exist in use of fish in spas and cosmetic salons. skin, they have to be starved to de- most oceans around the world where The tiny fish, originally found in Tur- velop liking for humans as a food various species of cleaner fish and key, are popular in Asia. The fish nib- source. shrimp advertise their services and ble on dead skin and provide custom- These ‘doctor fish’ or ‘little dermatol- clean a variety of fish and even sea ers with hydromassage that is thought ogists’ come from two species Garra turtles. and that it is not worth eating them. It experiments that have removed clean- have been demonstrated and so an un- to be beneficial for psychological dis- rufa and Cyprinion macrostomus. They Many of the biological features of looks as if cleaners provide dangerous ing stations from a reef have reported derstanding of cleaner-client interac- orders and various skin diseases, most are both used in spas in many coun- these cleaning stations resemble hu- clients with an especially good service, emigration of other fish species and tions have both theoretical and practi- IC Radio’s weekly science notably psoriasis. tries, including some of the US states. man economic exchanges, the sort including more pleasure – imagine get- higher infection rates of the few spe- cal (economical/aqua-cultural) value. The ban comes before the fish treat- “This is a good treatment for everyone that take place at trading places such ting a massage with your car-wash just cies that have stayed, but others have So next time you go to the market Ear on Science ment is even available in these states. who likes to have nice feet,” John Ho. as car wash stations and markets. because you have a gun. The pleasure reported no change in fish biodiversity place, perhaps the farmer’s market on show is looking Boards have highlighted the fact that it an owner of one such salon told CBC Occasionally, there is even a credit that fish get out of tactile stimulation or health. So the effects of cleaning sta- Bute Street or Borough Market and is difficult to disinfect pools with live News last year. crunch... during an inspection by the cleaner has tions on fish biodiversity are still not you attempt to get the best price for the been offered as an explanation as to fully understood, but there is a possibil- goods you purchase, think about the for scientists and PhD why clients come to cleaning stations ity that they play an important role in fascinating power of evolution that has in the first place. This is supported by keeping reef fish populations healthy. resulted in biological markets where students to talk about their observations of some clients posing The fact that cleaning symbioses have the service-providers and clients ex- in sea plumes, types of feathery soft evolved convergently several times sug- change goods by the same rules we do, coral, even when there are no cleaning gests their importance to the ecosys- except that they implement these rules research. If you would like stations around – these fish seem to tems. Convergent evolution is when the without the need for rational thought. be motivated by the enjoyment of the same adaptations to similar habitats or Our free economy has reached similar to explain your research on Can fish teach us economics? sensation itself rather than the cleaning situations have evolved independently solutions to those reached by natu- Mićo Tatalović clients are chosen in order to maximise cleaner may remove ectoparasites from gies to avoid being eaten. have access to one (the ‘residents’). benefits of having their parasites re- in more than one type of organism. A ral selection. This further illustrates Science Editor profits; there is competition over the the client’s body surface, sometimes ac- Although the piscivorous clients may The rationale be- hind this is obvious: moved. However, there is also evidence common example of this is the similar why Darwin was influenced by Adam radio waves please drop us members of the rare class by the com- companied by the client giving a sud- eat the cleaners they generally do not clients that can visit other cleaning sta- that suggests that clients carrying more aerodynamic shape of the shark (a fish), Smith’s laissez-faire approach to econ- Demand and supply are the shaping mon class members; and supply and den jolt. These may indicate instances do so. This fact has been exploited by tions will do so if they are not satisfied parasites seek cleaners sooner; this dolphin (a mammal) and penguin (a omy. This raises some interesting ques- forces in determining prices in human demand of commodities determine of the cleaner biting the client’s tissues some other fish species that can mimic with the service provided at the current would imply that they visit cleaning bird), which is thought to have evolved tions: how many features of human an e-mail: mico.tatalovic08@ markets. Some biologists propose that their relative value. rather than removing the ectoparasites. cleaner fish species in order to avoid station, whilst those that can- not visit stations primarily due to the irritation in response to their shared marine life- society are shaped by natural selection similar forces play a role in animal be- Cleaners advertise their availability Similar body jerks by clients signal to being eaten by piscivores, while ex- other stations are restricted to their ha- they receive from increased parasite style. In any case, although we do not and our basic animal nature? And how imperial.ac.uk or annabel. haviour, especially in the distribution of to clients by positioning themselves on the cleaner that they are about to leave ploiting them as a food source (eating bitual station regardless of the quality of loads. know the exact importance of marine many problematic aspects of our soci- payoff s between trading animals. Ani- a visible place at the station (usually a the station, so if a cleaner is inside their their mucus and fins). Using a similar the service. The cleaners actually spend The exact importance of cleaning sta- cleaning stations to the fish biodiversity ety could be solved by examining the mal interactions such as sexual selec- coral head). Good advertising is essen- mouth it has time to safely exit before strategy, some human companies ex- more time with the ‘choosy’ clients and tions to the ecological systems in which and health of coral reef communities, way natural selection has solved similar [email protected] tion, within-species cooperation and tial for attracting customers and clean- the client swims off. Clients have no in- ploit designer labels or brands by mak- perhaps even cheat them less; in any they are found is still unknown. Some the benefits of cleaners to farmed fish problems in nature? between species mutualism can all be ers advertise brilliantly: one can easily ing fake products and labels to fool the case, choosy clients wait less time to be seen as a trade between two classes of locate a cleaner at long distances when unwary customer into purchasing these inspected by the cleaner when there is traders. For example, males may offer snorkelling/diving. Their bright col- “They have instead of the ‘real thing’. This imitation a queue for the cleaner’s services – it is females nuptial gifts in exchange for ours contrast with the pale background devalues the original product, just as almost as if they have a VIP pass to the copulations; territorial animals may of the cleaning station (for example, a VIP pass to the cleaner’s ‘reputation’ is damaged cleaning stations. Interestingly, clients allow subordinates to share their ter- yellow brain corals) and they usually in the eyes of the fooled client, who have been shown to remember which ritory in exchange for help in raising have a horizontal stripe that also at- the cleaning gets a bite instead of a cleaning and cleaning stations have provided them the territorial animal’s off spring; and tracts clients. In a business interaction touching session. An interesting pos- with a quick and effective service and No more “If it’s yellow, let it mellow”! Meet the aphids exchange sugary substance for communication is an essential tool for stations.” sibility is that cleaner species that are to return preferentially to them, while protection by ants. The exchange rate successful transactions. The communi- mimicked by other fish species may they avoid the stations where they for traded goods isn’t fixed in these cation between cleaners and clients has be eaten more often than cleaner spe- examples: for example, aphids may been evolving for a long time and con- tention of eating a good cleaner. Clean- cies that are mimic-free. There is more Grey Water Toilet System design secrete more sugary substance when sists of various components. I already ers, for their part, communicate their selection pressure on clients not to eat “The dance the number of ants tending them is mentioned colour signals that inform beneficial intention by dancing move- mimic-free cleaners than there is to eat Mićo Tatalović design process.” smaller, so the exchange rates correlate clients of cleaner’s location and avail- ments prior to and during the inspec- the mimicked species since in the latter informs the Science Editor And the benefits of such a novel to the availability of certain commodi- ability. Behavioural communication tion, and they may also provide tactile case sometime they will eat the actual design are that “This system will save ties. The fewer ants there are the more is another component of the graceful stimulation of the client with their fins. mimic and that would increase the cli- client that the Finally designers and engineers are hundreds of litres of fresh drinking they get paid for their services. Another choreography of cleaning interactions. Cleaning symbioses have been ent’s fitness, rather than decrease it. asking the same question I was asking water per person per week. There is striking example of a biological market Clients that visit the stations signal viewed as mutualistic selfless coopera- Since clients are more numerous cleaner is about when I was 10 or so. Why on Earth do no need to waste such a precious re- is a marine cleaning station – a place their willingness to indulge in cleaning tion (a good one for Creationists), as than cleaners there are often queues in we use fresh, drinking water to flush source on an application like toilet on the coral reef where fish or shrimp, by assuming trance-like states. They an example of reciprocal altruism (I’ll front of the cleaning station. Larger and to inspect it.” our toilets at a time when water short- flushing.” Now if only we could get known as cleaners, live by eating para- hover on their head or tail until the scratch your back if you scratch mine) stronger fish attempt to chase the oth- ages and pollution are on a constant Imperial to install this in all the stu- sites off their ‘clients’. Cleaning stations cleaner inspects them. These inspec- and more recently as behavioural para- ers away, but the cleaner has the final rise? dent accommodation... manifest many of the features of a mar- tion bouts last from several seconds sitism (this supposes that cleaners are say in who gets inspected, and when. had to wait for a long time, were not Alison Norcott, a student designer Unfortunately, this design didn’t ketplace: goods on off er are advertised; to a few minutes, during which the parasites who exploit clients by eat- An interesting question that is still un- given enough attention, or where they from Swinburne University of Tech- make it to the shortlist for 2009 ing their body surfaces whilst keep- answered is what determines how at- had been cheated previously. In effect, nology, entered her “The Grey Water Awards. Nevertheless, similar com- ing them under tactile hypnosis). Th tractive the client is to the cleaner. One there is pressure on cleaners to provide Toilet System” design into this year’s mercial systems already exist and e most recent theoretical background reason might be that cleaners recognize better service to choosy clients so that Australian Design Award competi- perhaps this design will raise people’s to understanding cleaning symbioses clients’ parasite load and choose those they return to their station – a good tion, and many eco blogs picked up on awareness of such an easy way to cut has been the biological market theory, that are most infected. But if cleaners business with lots of clients is a matter it, mainly commending such a system. down on water wastage. One such where goods are seen as being ex- cheat on clients by eating their mu- of life or death for cleaner fish. She explains how the system works: system is the US based Aqus, “a small changed between the cleaner and the cus then they may well prefer to clean Furthermore, cleaners seem to be “The Grey Water Toilet System, de- scale greywater recycling system that client. In light of this theory cleaning those whose mucus is most nutritious. able to recognize piscivorous clients signed specifically for apartment uses treated water that is captured inter- actions provide an opportunity In a sense such clients get ripped off as as well as their satiation level. When buildings, helps conserve water by us- from the bathroom sink to flush the for both cleaners and clients to cheat. they have to ‘pay extra’ to get cleaned if cleaner fish approach their client they ing shower water for flushing. The wa- toilet – and accomplish greywater re- Cleaners can cheat by ingesting mucus the cleaners are also stripping them of exhibit a dancing motion, and also ter is collected from the shower drain cycling in the process.” They estimate and taking bites out of the client, which their mucus. Although mucus has been sometimes touch them. The dance and pumped into an in-wall tank. To savings of up to 6000 gallons of water is damaging to the client’s health and found in cleaners’ stomachs it may well informs the client that the cleaner is avoid bacteria growth, the tank is dis- and $30 a year per household. fitness; while the client can cheat, if be that it was ingested accidentally about to inspect it. (This dancing swim charged on a cyclic basis so that wa- Another such system is Canadian it is a piscivore, by eating the cleaner. along with the parasites that were the resembles the flying motion of some ter isn’t stored for over twenty four Brac’s Greywatre Recycling System. Clients can also punish cleaners for not primary target for the cleaners. birds performing to attract males: it is hours.” They say “Brac systems can help you cooperating by chasing them, which Cleaners have been shown to be able interesting to see how a similar behav- She goes on to explain, “The sys- save 35% to 40% on your annual water can be energetically costly for both to recognize familiar clients; more spe- ioural signal evolved in the sea and in tem has been specifically designed to bill, and while saving money, you will parties. Imagine having to chase your cifically, they can distinguish clients the air for two different purposes.) The fit within the wall cavity of an apart- also help save the environment and hairdresser after they cut your ear: it is that have access to only one cleaning hungry piscivorous clients are touched ment building. There are currently no provide a better future for our children beneficial for both you and them not to station from those that have access to more often than the herbivores. The real solutions for apartments regard- and their children to come. With this have to resort to that kind of scenario. several. Cleaner fish will inspect and explanation for this may be that clean- ing grey water systems, all cater to the amount of savings, your Brac Greywa- Similarly, cleaners generally don’t make clean those clients that have the option ers are using a ‘risk management strat- household market. Efficiency of the ter Recycling System pays itself.” So their clients angry. Cleaners may even of visiting several cleaning stations (the egy’ whereby they remind the hungry system and space minimisation have there are no more excuses for flushing Simple designs that re-use sink, shower and bath water to flush the toilet could save gallons of water and apply pre-conflict management strate- ‘floaters’) rather than clients that only clients that they are cleaning them been key considerations during the toilets with drinking water. cut down our water bills. 12 felix Friday 27 February 2009 Friday 27 February 2009 felix 13 Politics [email protected] Politics Politics Editors – James Goldsack & Katya-yani Vyas [email protected] For the good of humanity, drugs must be legal Edward Townes Indeed scientists have proven with rats It has been a that this relationship simply does not Sri Lankan struggle The War on Drugs, and the illegality of exist on a chemical level. while... Nishanth Sivarasan drugs in general, is arguably the cause Secondly, making substances illegal of the most senseless waste of human harms quality accountability in the Sri Lanka; a beautiful island off the life and resources in the history of market. This means that a large por- south coast of India, home to white mankind. In the United States alone, tion of the drugs consumed have been Katya-yani Vyas sandy beaches, amazing wildlife and a $50 billion dollars is spent each year cut with other substances that are Politics Editor rich heritage. But over the past twenty- on attempting to disrupt the drug mar- considerably worse for the health of five years, this serene landscape has ket, equal to the combined budgets for the consumer than the drug itself, and been tarnished by a bloody war. the country’s agriculture, energy, and create uncertainty in the potency of a ood day, dear readers, it Righto, now that I have dedicated half Before colonisation, the island’s dif- veteran’s programs. This does not take given dosage, leading to overdoses. has been a substantial of this column to a sort of pseudo-rant, ferent communities co-existed peace- into account billions more in dam- Finally, using the health of the con- amount of time since I I will proceed to deal with the ‘Most fully, living in separate Kingdoms, ages to private citizens and millions of sumers as a justification for prohibit- offered a column to the Popular Man in the World’ and his un- enjoying parity of status albeit un- lives around the world destroyed every ing their voluntary activity amounts to Politics page and for fortunate counterpart on this side of der different rulers. However, dur- year. the government assuming it has a role that, I apologise. I will assign part of the Pond. Of course I am referring to ing 1517-1948 (The Colonial Era) the America’s prison population of 2.3 in protecting us from ourselves. This Gthe blame for this to a sheer lack of Barack Obama and Gordon Brown. country was invaded on separate oc- million, where one third are drug-re- logic, when taken to its full implica- time but also in a small amount to the Brown would do well to take some casions by the Portuguese, Dutch and lated convictions, costs a further $60 tions, is clearly tyrannical. anticipation of seeing who my fellow inspiration from Obama’s popularity, finally the British, who unified the billion per year and has earned the Most people already understand that editor, Mr Goldsack, wished to aggra- and possibly attempt to re-create it in Kingdoms for ease of administration. “leader of the free world” the dubious when you make a market illegal, many vate each week. this country, a steep hill to climb in- On the 4th February 1948, Sri Lanka honour of holding more inmates than are newly defined as criminals who In any case, I have shaken off the deed but possibly not an insurmount- (then Ceylon) gained independence the rest of the world combined, along otherwise do not break the law. They dust and will now attempt to reassume able one. from the British who left the country with the greatest incarceration rate of can also understand that the major- some kind of column-like rambling. So Tony Blair’s reign was tarnished by with a unitary constitution which was any major country, ever. ity of the revenues of the drug market this week has been a turbulent one in his relationship with a certain Ameri- subsequently amended by the Sinhala Despite this tremendous cost, drug make it into the hands of murderous terms of politics. We have found our- can President, an indication that diplo- majority – this was to be the start of consumption in the US has reliably drug lords. selves questioning the conduct of some macy with the US is a major factor in over half a century of political tension. increased throughout the prohibition. What most people do not appreci- politicians and offering heartfelt con- determining the mood of the British The political shift from a mixed The War on Drugs is a catastrophic ate is the vast amount of derivative dolences to others. public. So, perhaps Brown could allow Tamil and Sinhala government to sole- failure from any perspective, but I wish crime created when you make a mar- A week in which Labour peer Lord the same rule to give a vitality boost to ly Sinhala produced the general feel- to argue that even an effective war is ket black. When you declare a market Ahmed was sentenced to 12 weeks in his tenure. ing of unbridled-dominance amongst unjustified and evil, even harming illegal you deny all the actors in that prison after texting whilst driving on A ‘special partnership’ between Brit- the minority Tamils. The introduction Sri Lankan forces stand guard in the recaptured town of Mullaittivu market redress of grievances through the M1 led to a collision that proved to ain and America could see an end to of various laws such as the ‘District the court and justice system. This leads be fatal for some of those involved. the anomaly of global financial insti- Quota System 1972’, ‘Policy of Stand- the participants in the illegal market A week when UK opposition leader tutions being regulated locally, or the ardisation 1973’ and the ‘Sinhala Only timately, the hope of autonomy. Over the past few weeks the war has “A frequent to find other means to sort out their David Cameron’s son died in hospi- introduction of the Tobin tax which Act’ saw the Tamils having to achieve Over the past thirty-five years vari- escalated severely, and whilst the gov- differences, which invariably leads to tal aged six having suffered his entire, would set aside a small percentage of significantly higher points in order to ous organisations emerged to voice ernment claim to be achieving success justification for violence. Dubai has received criticism from its people and from international organisations for the Atlantis hotel, the extremely-short life from cerebral every foreign transaction, helping to enter university in comparison to their the general opinion of oppression and over the LTTE, over one-thousand For example, if I agree to buy a kilo- latest in a string of lavish projects palsy and epilepsy. Now, I am no Con- achieve Brown’s long-standing dream Sinhala counterparts and being refused conflicts broke out over the welfare of Tamil civilians have been killed within making drugs gram of cocaine from a business as- servative but no parent should have to of providing education for every child. government jobs if they lacked fluency the Tamil people. Some took passive the space of three weeks by indiscrimi- sociate, and then decide to screw him endure the loss of their child, so I will Brown must be wary though. The of the Sinhala dialect; reaffirming their political stances, whilst others took nate shelling of schools, hospitals and illegal is that over and not pay up on delivery, can he place to the side any hostility I have Blair-Bush bridge broke spectacularly feelings of oppression. up an armed struggle having felt that various other institutions in a govern- go to the police and have me arrested towards Cameron and wish him the under the strain of public opinion. He This saw the formation of the Tamil their initial efforts were in vain. The ment allocated ‘safe zone’ in North- it is better for for theft/fraud? No. His only option utmost sympathies during this difficult must ensure cooperation from the rest United Liberation Front (TULF) who, most prominent conflict to start was East Sri Lanka. Meanwhile a further is to attempt to recover his damages time. of Europe to strengthen the links this with the support of the National Tamil the war waged between one of these two-hundred-and-fifty thousand ci- public health. himself by force. How many gang wars As for Lord Ahmed, perhaps 12 weeks time. minority and the International Diaspo- organisations, now known as the LTTE vilians are trapped in areas of conflict have you heard about over who gets in prison will allow him time to gain No one will remember Brown’s days ra, contested the Parliamentary elec- (Liberation Tigers of Tamil Eelam) and within arms reach of artillery fire, with The reality is the control of streets to distribute alcohol? some perspective and, I would hope, as the Iron Chancellor, he will forever tions of 1977 with a clear manifesto for the government. minimal humanitarian aid and little Last time that happened, surprise sur- teach him a damned good lesson. be our Paper Prime Minister. Tamil Nationhood, winning vital seats Since the start of the war, seventy- hope of escaping safely. exact opposite” prise, was the alcohol prohibition in in the North and East of Sri Lanka. five thousand people have been killed The case of the government and the the 1920’s. In 1981 the Jaffna Public Library, by indiscriminate shelling. Both sides LTTE is the centre of much contro- Alcohol is, in fact, an excellent case which housed over ninety-seven thou- have been accused of severe human versy; and it seems that today’s society those most in need of help. study in understanding the conse- sand volumes of Tamil literature, in- rights violations by independent par- is comfortable using this as an excuse The central problem with calling quences of prohibiting drugs, and cluding irreplaceable ancient palm ties and the International Red Cross. to turn a blind eye to the tragedies of the production, distribution, and con- any time that you want to see how Cabinet cover-up? leaf manuscripts, was set ablaze by the However, the total ban on external me- this humanitarian crisis. It would seem sumption of a substance a crime is the drug market would manifest if it Sri Lankan police destroying all the dia sources and International peace- ethically fundamental that it is a com- that there are no involuntary parties to was not illegal, the alcohol market is a James Goldsack in this instance would do, far outweighs original evidence of Tamil heritage in keeping processes by the government mon agenda to every individual to see these activities. When someone grows good place to look. Do we have mili- Politics Editor any corresponding public interest in the Island. Many Tamils felt this was has meant that there are no details of that all human beings have the right to pot on their land, they are not harm- their disclosure.” a consequence of their political suc- the humanitarian atrocities. Further to live with dignity, autonomy and free- ing anyone else; no victims have come Justice Secretary Jack Straw announced The Conservatives backed this de- cesses in the North-East and this es- this, wide scale demonstrations across dom from the fear of death. forward as plaintiffs. that he would use a clause in the Free- cision, since the release of minutes sentially fuelled growing hostility. the globe, such as the one-hundred- As students we are a force; we have a When drug dealer and user make a “Making drugs dom of Information Act to block the would make ministers more reluctant A series of protests and riots broke thousand strong march that occurred societal stand and the power to make voluntary exchange between them- publication of minutes of key Cabinet to discuss controversial subjects in out articulating the feelings of oppres- in London Westminister on 31st Janu- a difference. Please help us do so by selves, they are not harming anyone illegal is a meetings held in the run-up to the Iraq future, impeding good governance. sion and discrimination against the ary 2009 outlining the carnage in Sri showing your support. else. This means that the government war in 2003, those in which the war’s However, Shadow Justice Secretary minority population. The vision of Lanka, have received significant media “Peace can only last where human has created a new category of victim- complete failure” legality was discussed. Dominic Grieve said that the way the ‘Tamil Eelam’ was born: the dream of containment due to political pressures: rights are respected, where the people less (i.e, political) crime. Laws that Releasing the papers would do “se- government has handled the issue the Tamil Nationals and Diaspora to the voice of the Tamil people has ‘inad- are fed, and where individuals and na- define victimless deeds as criminal rious damage” to Cabinet govern- showed contempt for the Freedom of have a self-run state on the Island – ul- vertently’ been silenced. tions are free.” The Dalai Lama. should not exist. Period. tias guarding fields of barley? No. Do ment according to Straw and this Information Legislation. Every law that does is a transgression we have frictional relationships with outweighed the public interest issues. The Liberal Democrat justice spokes- against liberty. Nothing damages the countries that export alcohol? No. This disregards the ruling by the Infor- man, David Howarth, said the decision respect the public has for their govern- Do we have governments around the mation Tribunal last month that they was “more to do with preventing em- ment than the creation of laws that it world secretly profiting from the al- should be published. barrassment than protecting the sys- cannot possibly enforce effectively. cohol market to the detriment of their They had rejected a government tem of government”. He said it was in In addition, there are important people? No. Do we have kids travelling appeal against the Information Com- the public’s interest to know that the consequences from making drugs il- around the world with vials of alcohol missioner’s ruling that the papers Cabinet, as a decision-making body, legal that affect both crime and public in their rectums? No. Do thousands be published because the decisions had “collapsed” in the run-up to war health. and thousands of people die every year taken regarding the invasion of Iraq and been manipulated and replaced by A frequent justification for mak- attempting to transport and distribute were “momentous” and controversial. a select number of individuals around ing drugs illegal is that it is better for alcohol? No. Do alcohol addicts look- The government could have appealed the then-Prime Minister, Tony Blair. public health. The reality is the exact ing for their next drink commit most against this decision in the High Court The release of the Cabinet minutes opposite. First of all, there is no empiri- of the burglaries? No. The list goes on but has decided instead to use the min- would reopen controversy over then- cal evidence that making drugs illegal and on. isterial veto for the first time. Propo- Attorney General Lord Goldsmith’s leads to any decrease in consumption. The fact of the matter is, making nents of the Freedom of Information advice on the war. His advice to Tony In fact, there is evidence to the con- drugs illegal is not only a complete and Act see this as evidence that the gov- Blair given on 7th March raised ques- trary. In countries with more liberal utter failure that creates massive harm ernment has no legal basis for stopping tions about the legality of military ac- drug laws, the consumption of drugs for humanity, but the justifications publication. tion without a second UN resolution is generally lower, by a large margin, for even attempting it are flawed and “There is a balance to be struck be- and was not shown to the Cabinet. than countries with more authoritar- totalitarian. tween openness and maintaining as- Richard Thomas, who backed pub- ian drug laws. The world would be a vastly better pects of our structure of democratic lication on interest grounds, said the Similarly, there is no data to support place if governments left people who government,” Jack Straw said. “The exercise of a veto over standard FOI the claim that consumption of softer want to consume a substance of their damage that disclosure of the minutes procedures must be “exceptional”. Sri Lankan police investigate the explosion site of a suspected Tamil suicide bomber in Vavuniya drugs necessarily leads to harder drugs. own choice in peace. 14 felix Friday 27 February 2009 Friday 27 February 2009 felix 15 [email protected] Arts Culture & Arts Editors – Caz Knight, David Paw and Emily Wilson Budding culture vulture? Write for us. The Arts [email protected] Celebrating 400 years of misogyny Shakespeare’s first play has a bawdy make-over in this RSC production, Caz Knight reports back.

ew Shakespeare plays kick off with Calvin Harris’ dance Turning Valentine’s day on its head tune, ‘Girls’, with the sup- posed streets of sixteenth The Soho Theatre’s This Isn’t Romance explores incestuous love in terms of sex, money and violence: not century Padua resembling your standard Valentine’s fare. is amused and also perplexed. any given town in Britain on a Satur- Benjo Fraser dayF night – drunken antics in shop- ping trolleys and blow-up naked dolls hat impresses most a basically happy situation. In the end, included. about this play is many of Miso’s actions must be down This is how Conall Morrison’s pro- its boldness. Miso to some tragic flaw, rather than due to duction of The Taming of the Shrew Blake, orphaned at circumstance if we are to make sense for the Royal Shakespeare Company the age of seven, of the play as a whole, and actually to captures the attention of the teenaged, penniless, abandoned her four year-old prevent the play descending into the half-term audience, before the fear of Wbrother Han and left Korea. She grew ridiculous. Because I think this play, sitting through three hours of Shake- up in England, became middle-class; looked at from different angles, pos- speare kicks in. whilst Han struggled to survive and fell sibly even viewed on different nights, Believed to be one of his first plays, into destitution. When Miso goes back is both tragedy and farce. It is difficult The Taming of the Shrew is a comedy set to find him, her guilt, his hatred, and to get a grip on, which all rests on how in Padua, home to the travelling Italian their mutual disgust at their own lives well integrated and relevant one finds theatre group the Commedia dell’Arte. are played out in unforgiving fashion. the subsidiary themes of modern mon- The group toured England at the time Ubiquitous here are extremes and ey and sex – so brashly are they pre- when Shakespeare was a boy and are intensity of emotion. The two fall in sented, they begin to feel superfluous thought to have influenced him, ex- love. The incestuous nature of this is by the end. ploring the oldest and most pervasive perhaps meant to play a key role (“I am The dialogue is good, and in the form of discrimination: misogyny. The you. You’re the marrow in my bones, Miso/Han scenes has a poetic qual- wealthy Baptista has two daughters; you’re in my genes, in my body.”) but ity – ideal for expressing the themes of the younger, fair Bianca with suitors far more prominent is the pain and longing and memory. Other scenes, es- a-plenty and the wild, acid-tongued guilt of separation destroying the two. pecially those with Cash, contain well- Katherina, to whom no man dares go. Lives full of destruction are difficult written humour and are entertaining. Bianca’s suitors, frustrated with her to repair. The scenes between Jennifer The actors make the most of this, and father’s refusal to let Bianca wed be- Lim (Miso) and Mo Zainal (Han) over- several times I was impressed with the fore her older sister, find a man mad whelm us with sexuality and longing, quality of delivery. Cash’s Essex accent enough to marry Katherina (for her and it is powerful when they fall asleep was wonderfully to-the-point. Miso’s large dowry). Enter Petruchio, who is in each other’s arms. How disturbing middle-class English tones sounded more than a match for the Shrew and you find this may depend on your sib- a bit too authentic for someone who eventually succeeds in bending her Ian Mcdiarmid as Oxford-educated Father Anderton ling count. For me, it was a beautiful left Korea at seven, but made her es- to his will, taming her in the process. and simple moment, which typifies the trangement with her native land is ob- Much comedy and confusion ensue places of clarity, which the piece is of- vious throughout. The staging, while after master and servant, Lucentio and lessly making the play flow but also fitting for a Shakespearean lead, as he Tranio with barely any obscene ges- erina until she finally gives into obedi- ten able to draw from its frantic bulk. simple, was nice, and the Soho studio Tranio, swap roles so that Lucentio making us feel as if we are watching takes on the role of Petruchio after tures. Michelle Gomez is superbly ence. It is easy to see how the issues By this I mean the fact that sex, money theatre space was used to good effect may woo Bianca under the guise of be- a Ben Stiller comedy. And it is in this playing the drunk Christopher Sly in cast as the Shrew, but we are left with contained within the play could make and violence are in every scene. Unable – the modernist design of the building ing her tutor. where the play fails. the induction. the feeling that she is a bit of a one- people uncomfortable given today’s to cope with her emotions for Han, and seeming to echo the present-day urban Conall Morisson has managed to The first twenty minutes of the pro- The next two and a half hours waver trick pony after seeing her rehash her, vehement struggle for sexual equality: needing money for him, Miso attempts Korean landscape in which the play is make Shakespeare’s dialogue and wit duction feel more like a pantomime, between the script’s excellence shin- admittedly highly entertaining and the man gets what he wants and the to destroy herself. She sells her body set. not only decipherable but also hilari- with much overacting and a totally ing through and being swamped under unique, role as Sue White in Green woman learns to want what she gets. to Jack Cash, a wealthy English hotel- So, we are provided with a nicely ous, whilst at the same time breaking superfluous song-and-dance routine. bawdy gestures which make you slight- Wing. However, she pulls off Kath- And yet, the play continues to run a ier. While sleazy, and morally dubious round aesthetic experience. At the cen- apart any preconceived notions of the The play resumes some slight seri- ly embarrassed, especially on behalf of erina’s closing monologue with the good four hundred and twenty years (with a wife and children at home), he tre are authentic themes of love tran- playwright being cumbersome and ousness when the modern attire is any of the exceptionally young or ex- gravitas it requires. after conception: perhaps a bit of dis- is refreshingly honest about his desires scending time. Go see it, if you think stiff. relinquished for period costume and ceptionally old in the audience. The Guardian criticised this produc- comfort is worth the price of making for her. In portraying this in the con- can work out what it all means. And The script is tied to the energetic, Stephen Boxer drops his Brummie Special mention should go to Keir tion for glorifying domestic violence, sure these great works live on. text of the brother-sister relationship, then tell me. highly slapstick ‘choreography’, seam- accent for the standard RP, one more Charles, who receives many laughs as as Petruchio goads and berates Kath- the writer (In-Sook Chappell) is per- haps inviting us to evaluate our views on the morality of sexuality and mon- Showing at the Soho Theatre ey. But the piece often comes across as until 7th March unnecessarily nihilistic, in the face of Ooh Baby Baby.... Jennifer Lim as Miso and the Essex Boy Jack Cash. Courtesy of Simon Kane Star Wars Emperor in role of priest Rosie Grayburn is star-struck with a performance from Star War’s Emperor, Ian Mcdiarmid.

or once, I thought that when placed in. He is far more interested in only leaves out some scenes concern- I saw the words “Catholic his vintage wine, classical music and ing Father Anderton’s past, which can Priest” on the blurb of this reciting poetry with his determined be hinted at quite easily on stage using new play, maybe paedophilia housekeeper Mrs Poole, who is por- props and longing facial expressions. would be taking a night off. trayed magnificently by Blythe Duff. The Donmar Warehouse is the perfect However, when you see the words The play opens with some beauti- setting for a play like this, as the audi- “Catholic”,F “priest” and “befriend” all ful prose recited by Father Anderton, ence comes right up to the stage so the in one sentence, you know it isn’t to be which will reappear hauntingly at the actor can see each face in the stalls, like the case. I entered the auditorium of end of the play. The unusual sound- he is standing trial and the audience is the Donmar Warehouse full of suspi- track for the play involves members his jury. Be Near Me will mix up your cion and distrust. I had never seen this of the cast singing patriotic Scottish emotions and leave you feeling sad and topic treated sensitively, but I was to be songs and hymns which is rather lost reflective, which I measure as a good surprised. Be Near Me is the stage ad- on the central London audience but I thing on a theatre scale. aptation of the Booker-prize nominat- am promised that when the play first There are some laughs, like “Some- ed novel of the same name by Andrew opened in Glasgow, the songs were times, I like my drink more than I like O’Hagan, which sees an Oxford-edu- met with strong, positive feelings. my children” or the inevitable chav/un- cated Catholic priest enter a parish in a Not only do the cast sing a number employed/ “At least he’s got Sky” digs, pitiable town in Ayrshire, Scotland. of these ‘fillers’ between scenes, but the but these jokes get more and more Loneliness ensues, but he is rejuvenat- cast mostly stays on stage during the scarce as the play reaches it’s quiet cli- ed by the striking up an odd friendship entire first act as a symbol of the com- max. Be Near Me is one for a fulfilling with two chavs. Father Anderton is munity in this small Scottish town. night out, where your beliefs are chal- played by the awesome Ian McDiarmid The priest’s community falls apart as lenged and eyes opened – see it and – you may know him as The Emperor the cast diminish during the second you won’t regret it. in the Star Wars films. After being star- act, when the priest looses allies and struck for at least half of the first act, friends after the unpreventable turn- we get to know Father Anderton as a ing point in the play. The adaptation to Be Near Me is showing at the kind, thoughtful pastor but with no real stage (written by Ian “Dark Side” McDi- Donmar Warehouse, Covent Gar- Sex, money and violence: everything you need for the non-conformist Valentine’s day Ian Mcdiarmid as Oxford-educated Father Anderton passion for the community he has been armid himself) is true to the book and dren until 12th March 16 felix Friday 27 February 2009 Friday 27 February 2009 felix 17 Arts [email protected] Travel Travel Editor – Dylan Lowe [email protected] Soviet friendly art for the people Emilie Beauchamp reviews Constructivist Rodchenko’s post-revolutionary art at the Tate Modern And the Wieliczka Salt Mine hat do we remem- political context in which Russia was; geese won went underground and licked the wall - it’s salty ber of Russian where one searched for the meaning of Dylan Lowe Communism? For art, the other explored the meaning of most people under societies. In itself, the diagnostic was knew someone who had refused of truth. That was all four hundred of And just as I thought I had had thirty, we are re- unanimous: both should be produc- Dylan Lowe to visit Poland because of his ha- those cursed steps, though it was more enough flattery for one day, we ambled minded of a fluffy period where you tive, organised and planned. This is Travel Editor tred for Polish immigrants. How like a thousand. into the Chapel of St Kinga. Wcould hear about the Domino theory, reflected in the perfect lines and cir- pathetic. Not only is this racist Accuse me of touristic ignorance The chapel itself is nothing more the Vietnam War, communes and hun- cles pictured in paintings and sculp- attitude totally unacceptable, he here, but I couldn’t honestly see the than a subterranean church garnished gry peasants... In short, some of the tures, defined in precision by ruler and hat’s that around reality. The geese did get into a ‘fight’ is also missing out big time. merits of a narrow tunnel littered lavishly by religious sculptures and remains of a disaster. But Communism compass. your neck?” with the aircraft, and they did bring it ITo forsake a country as culturally with archaic mining gear. But then our bas-relief. The chandeliers, which in Russia spurred much more than just In the 1920s, Rodchenko and Popova “It’s a pendant, down. Easy as. and architecturally enriched as Poland guide wasn’t even in the slightest un- were made almost entirely of puri- disaster. In fact, the socio-political started exploring sculpture, moving fool.” But please, don’t let this put you off is utter idiocy. Which brings me to dermined by our lack of interest. He fied salt, draped the chamber with a setting of Bolshevik Revolution trig- away from plane and platonic paint- “Yeah I know, but flying. The last thing I want (as travel my very own Polish experience. With was better aware that the boredom was humble glimmer. But the essence of gered massive artistic movements in ing and forward to representations in what’s it for?” editor) is to see my readers rot on this a tight schedule, Warsaw, a city still a mere prelude to what is to come. the location, the sheer scale of labour the late 1910s, which were dominated “real space”. Another parallel to Com- W“Keeping me alive.” island. Here are reasons why there is staggering away from the obliteration So when the winches and lumber and history required to assemble such by Constructivism. Of this movement, munism, Constructivists believed art It is essentially a fishhook, carved out absolutely nothing to fear about. of WWII and subsequent Soviet rule, vanished, and their replacements ap- glamour – it has rendered me speech- two artists have been glorified for their was to be made collectively and for the of cow bone, that dad had bought me Whacking out the cliché, here is a sta- was left out of the itinerary. Instead we peared, the Pole had won back our less even now. inventive works: Liubov Popova and collectivities; it therefore regrouped in Auckland years ago. A Maori sym- tistical fact: you are more likely to die headed towards Krakow, the Medieval gusto. There were caverns. And pil- Maybe it was better expressed in Aleksandr Rodchenko. Both artists are many artists working in collaboration bol, the indigenous people of NZ be- in a car accident than in a plane crash. Polish capital and home to Poland’s lars. And pavements. And sculptures. songs, since performing in this cav- now being honoured at the Tate Mod- for most of the movement’s prepon- lieved that it guarantees its bearer safe More the apparent when you compare finest of architecture. And statues. All cleaved out of rock ernous concert hall (as a chorister in ern until the 25th of May. derance in Russian arts. journeys over land and water. the probability of fatality due to an avia- City aside, the greatest testimony of salt. The vaults were so hectic with a school choir tour) had produced the A concept coined in 1919, Construc- Along these lines, the exhibition Surely, something like folklore and tion accident (one in 11 million) to that the Polish’s constructional genius lies the spectacles that, two years on, the most beautiful acoustics I have ever tivism represents a rejection of the “art presents Popova, Rodchenko and their superstition are way too irrational for due to an automobile accident (one in in Wieliczka, ten kilometres southeast memory of my visit has gone fuzzy. But heard in my fleeting career as a singer. for art’s sake” philosophy and thrives friends’ respective works as painters an Imperial mind, like mine, to believe 5000). The Times magazine had kindly of Krakow Central, in the form of a salt I can still remember recognising the The Wieliczka salt mine represents to create art that would be meaningful and sculptors, as they develop follow- and rely upon? pointed out, in 2006, that “more than mine. faces preserved in the halite, the joy of what I love the most about travelling: and multidimensional, questioning its ing the progression of Communism. That certainly was my mental- 500 times as many people die on U.S. A salt mine? Care to say that again? finding and naming replicates of art- to venture into a site with zero expec- fundamental properties and its place With Lenin’s New Economic Policy in ity when, the evening before my flight roads as in airline accidents”. Active until 1996, the Wieliczka salt work found, perhaps, in the Louvre. Oh tations, and to come out completely in society. In other words, art should the 1920s, which allowed private en- back, the gore of a post- plane crash Flying is becoming progressively mine had been operating for over nine yeah, and not resisting the invitation to blown away. It is the discovery of be like a social construction; purpose- terprise to operate on a limited scale, hospital scene flashed upon the family safer. Other than the events of 9/11, centuries. It is hard to imagine how a lick the walls – I spent the reminder of these hidden gems that makes the trip ful and made for the masses. Artisti- Rodchenko, Popova and their entire TV. My clutch on the pendant couldn’t aviation technology of the 21st century dirt-cheap produce that is salt was the the tour craving for water. worthwhile. cally, it translates into an interesting circle turned to be productive for so- be firmer throughout the night and has reduced accidents and casualties to medieval equivalent of oil; harder still You would think the dextrous pairs of Even more fascinated still, I learnt progression, like responding argu- ciety by adapting their art to be more during the flight. the bare minimum. The high standards is that the mine is now a World Herit- hands that carved out the masterpieces this: despite treading for three hours, ments in a discussion. The first phase useful to everyday life. They there- As you might have gathered, I made of training for pilots meant tragedies age site and major tourist attraction. – which includes, by the way, a relief of 90m below ground, I had seen less than of the movement was dominated by fore became architects, furniture and it back in one piece. developed into tales of survival and Loitering on the surface, somewhere Da Vinci’s The Last Supper – belonged a meagre 1% of the entire salt mine, painting. Displaying sometimes mini- fashion designers, advertisers, theatre Aviation accidents have frequently heroism – look no further than Hud- within the township of Wieliczka, I had to true maestros of art. You would be which consists of a 200km-long pas- malist, sometimes intricate, works of directors and more. Part of their time made it to our headlines, more so in son River and the stray landing of BA my doubts. I could almost smell a tour- wrong. All it took were generations of sage and 2040 caverns (of which I have geometrical shapes and rays, the art- was occupied by orders from the So- recent months than ever. Fresh out of Flight 38 (Jan 2008). Out of the four ist trap underneath my feet. ordinary, unnamed salt miners, and visited 20). And thanks to memories ists played mostly with colors and tex- viet government for propaganda post- Lyubov Popova, Construction 1920, Oil on canvas the news is the Amsterdam Schiphol accidents of 2009, two had all or most Upon entry, through a museum- their endeavour to transform their like these, I am dying to go travelling tures, developing graphic abstraction. ers and political education campaigns. Crash today (Weds 25 Feb), closely fol- of the passengers walking out of the like complex, the flight of stairs was workplace and, indeed, homes, into a again. Still a month to go till Easter? To the unused eye, the pieces could all While their pieces from the period lowed by the Buffalo crash two weeks aircraft after a crash landing, thanks to what separated me from the moment sanctuary of craftsmanship. Damn. feel alike at first sight… However, after demonstrate more flexibility, and al- tirely new fashion. Constructivism is grandiose sculptures. However, Con- interesting, it is enquiring. The dreary ago, a crash in Brazil and the Hudson the composure and dexterity of the pi- two or three rooms, the differences in lowed characters and figures to be also noticeable in that it was one of the structivism inspired numerous oth- selection of paintings showed at first River Incident in January. Which puts lots. Stick to the news and you will find style between Popova and Rodchenko represented, it still depicted the same first periods when women were equally ers than just our Bolshevik brothers somehow explodes in an exponential the grand total of commercial acci- proof to my claims. can readily be observed, and one can purely mechanic and engineered style. valued and respected in arts than men, in their beginnings; it was the basis of number of techniques and variations, dents since the dawn of 2009 at four. Speaking about media coverage, it appreciate the ongoing evolution in One can however appreciate much of thanks to Communists’ notion of the the eponymous movement that later that makes this exhibition a fast-paced I don’t have a phobia for flying, in must be blamed for causing our fear techniques that are used. It has to be the new uses they found for their art. equality of sexes. spread through Europe and America in and continuous discovery. Great work fact quite the contrary; yet these fig- of flight. The media is responsible for said that Constructivism was not only In a very interesting outcome, Popova’s Constructivism was ephemeral but the ‘30s and ‘40s, and is still an impor- Tate, it is always admirable to see what ures (and those I go through during my overdramatising airplane disasters as a a form of artistic expression; it was the numerous creations for the State Cot- intense. As Stalin took power in late tant figure in everyday designs. geniuses can do out of a bunch of research) are enough to make my heart way to increase their financial gains – embodiment of a whole societal phi- ton-Printing Factory in Moscow influ- 1920s, Constructivism had lost ground Seemingly a forgotten ancestor of to- squares and circles! race. I can’t help but worry. how else could they get our attention? losophy, taking the form of a debate, enced directly the daily lives of women by the 1930s to Socialist, or Heroic day’s abstract and contemporary styles, For the love of god, I don’t want to die. In fact, it is this fear they had created a discussion, an introspection. An ut- in Russia, as they bought the fabric to Realism, which glorified workers and Constructivism has proven through Showing at the Tate Modern until Not yet. that they are now exploiting to manip- terly adequate reflection of the socio- make their dresses and started an en- peasants in illusionary paintings and the Tate’s exhibition to be more than 17th May Right after Hudson River, an Ameri- ulate their readership. can friend made it clear on Facebook We take risks in everyday situations. that she is to never travel on a plane Just as choking on food, keeping a pet ever again. After being accused – by dog, taking a bath, even getting out of me – for scaremongering she proceed- bed – all of which, by the way, have a ed to exclaim that “a plane and some higher death rate than flying – pres- geese got into a fight, and the geese ent a death threat, travelling by flight won”. However childish this might does involve some level of risk. So have sound (she is a research assistant at the faith in modern aeronautics, and es- University of Auckland, in fact), the pecially in our pilots. Have a pleasant statement has a certain degree of logic flight. Forget about the engine failures, in it. It carries the grandiose sentiment the fuel starvations. And I am sure the one gets from staring into the face of geese can’t win every day. death. This is the harsh, but remote, Minced goose for dinner anyone? The Chapel of Saint Kinga

Take the leap “Bungee jumping originated from formed many bungee stunts, which the Vanuatuan coming-of-age ritual. include jumping from Eiffel Tower in Tribesmen, tied to their ankles with 1987, from a helicopter at 380m, and vines, would jump off wooden plat- from the Royal Gorge Bridge, the high- forms to prove their courage. This est suspension bridge in the world. ritual, called Gkol, is performed in the The highest-recorded bungee jump Pentecost Island of Vanuatu. was performed by Andrew Salisbury in Inspired by the footage of the Gkol, 1991 (926m). The world’s highest com- members of the Oxford University mercial bungee can be found in South Dangerous Sport Club, attempted the Africa, at a height of 216m.” first modern bungee jump in Bristol. - The man responsible for commer- Well done to Jumper for sending in a cialising bungee jumping is A J Hack- brilliant account of bungy jumping. ett, a New Zealander, who opened Want to tell us about your last holi- the first commercial jump site on the day? Written an account of your travel Kawarau Bridge in Queenstown, New encounters? Please send it to travel.fe- A J Hacket - genius behind the Varvara Stepanova, Dancing Forms on a white background, 1920. Oil on canvas Aleksandr Rodchenko, Illustration for the magazine “Young Guard”, 1924 You see that kids? That’s a man. Zealand in 1988. The man himself per- [email protected] - I’d love to hear it! insanity felix Friday 21 November 2008 Friday 21 November 2008 photofelix by tom james 18 photo edited by Joe muddiman19 NewsMusical Theatre Society [email protected] [email protected] News presents

A funny thing happened on the way to the Forum 0.3.MM9 - 04.3.mm9 Union Concert Hall 7.30pm 20 felix Friday 27 February 2009 Friday 27 February 2009 felix 21 Film [email protected] Film Editors – Zuzanna Blaszczak and Jonathan Dakin [email protected] ment I was clutching the sofa in nerv- ous anticipation. I thought Meryl might add another trophy to her cabi- net, but Kate deservedly won. Well The Six Prime Winners done Kate! I had my English flag out a waved it jubilantly as I jumped up and down, screaming in delight! In case you missed Oscar night! 4.40am (you can tell I was really get- Best Motion Picture Christian Colson for The most eagerly awaited night of the year for anyone in the movie industry may have been and gone, but ting impatient now as I was intensely watching the clock): Sean Penn wins of theCompetition year Slumdog Millionaire denied himself sleep to bring us the night’s recap. Best Actor – another shocking win. Jonathan Dakin Poor Mickey Rourke! I couldn’t help but feel really sorry for him as he was, This week we have three DVD cop- es that’s right! Oscar sea- ing and amazing highlight of the awards had been announced. I was after all, tipped to win it! Instead, ies of Asylum to give away. son has come and gone, evening – a show-stopping perform- less than impressed, especially be- Penn smugly took to the stage. AsylumBest Performance is a terrifying tale by of a and I am pretty sure eve- ance by R&B beauty Beyonce. Along cause the people winning the awards 4.50am: Slumdog Millionaire wins group of undergraduate university Sean Penn for ryone knows who the big with Jackman and some of the stars of for things like Best Make-up did not Best Picture, and half of India goes to studentsan Actor discovering in a thatLeading their dor - winners and sore losers High School Musical and Mam- seem particularly happy to win. the podium along with the cast and mitory was formerly an experimen- Milk were at the Academy Awards ceremo- ma Mia, she sang a compilation Of course it is good to stay crew. People smile at the little kids tal mental healthrole institution, which Yny this year, held in the Kodak Theatre of songs from famous musi- composed – but at least crack who were shipped over from Mumbai soon reawakens their own buried in Los Angeles. Just in case you didn’t, cals. Of course she stole the a smile! to show that they weren’t paid pea- personal traumas. I have provided a list of the winners show and out sang everyone, Finally John Legend broke nuts for acting in the film. Everyone This disturbing horror film will of the Big Six gongs of the night – the as the kids from High School up some of the tedium by is happy. Everyone has realised finally be Bestjust the Performance thing to watch from by be - Kate Winslet for awards that everyone waits nervously and Mamma Mia were com- singing, although he was ac- that the English film industry can Hugh Jackman shows off his excellent Broadway entertainment skills hind the sofa while ignoring Trick (and sometimes impatiently) for. pletely washed out, but what companied by some horrible, make good films! Hurrah! anor Treaters Actress on Halloween in a Leading night. The Reader You might be surprised and shocked did honestly you expect? screeching, Bangra mu- Hugh Jackman walks out and says If you would like to win Asylum to hear that this movie maniac actu- Jackman managed sic. I am not a fan of “Thank you”, credits roll: the end. nated for Best Picture or Best Direc- list of Oscar winners. There is no just in time forrole Halloween, then all ally stayed up way past his bedtime in to hold his own Bangra music; al- The End?? Yes, the end. It was very tor? It was both critically and com- point staying up and watching the you have to do is answer the follow- order to watch the Oscars live, as they zat least as he though the man abrupt! I felt like I wanted more time mercially successful, making over $1 ceremony. It was way too long and, at ing question: unfolded halfway across the globe. sung with her, who composed to see the winners but I was happy it billion worldwide. Surely that was the times, boring, tedious and embarrass- Why you might ask? Well yes, it is a lit- impressing eve- this song went was finally over – I needed SLEEP! best film of the year??? ing. Yes there were some incredible WhatBest isPerformance the name of the by se - Penelope Cruz for tle bit sad, but every respectable film ryone including on to win an As I dragged myself off of my sofa 4) Watching the show in its en- highlights like Beyonce shaking her rial killer in the Halloween critic has to do it at least once in their myself. Once Oscar for to bed at 5am, I was left with a few tirety makes you see that the whole stuff and Whoopi Goldberg making a movies?an Actress in a Sup- Vicky, Cristina, life! But because I was sucked into it, Danny Boyle deserves an Oscar just for being such a great person Beyonce had it. As I un- thoughts to ponder over about the Academy Awards is an old boys’ club. brief appearance but if you feel com- I felt like I was experiencing the diz- finished I plugged my movie industry; They all know each other, they are all pelled to, watch the highlights on You porting role Barcelona zying heights and embarrassing lows leapt off of fingers from 1) It is very political. When the friends. It was almost as if they were Tube: it is easier and quicker. That of the evening along with the crème cars would begin, so I switched to Sky top form as usual, making hilarious my sofa for a my ears, I writer of Milk won Best Screenplay, indoctrinating the cast and crew of said, I can’t help but feel a sense of de la crème of A-list celebrities and Movies Premiere and was greeted by jokes and stealing the moment from standing ovation. Maybe seriously ques- he took his opportunity to promote Slumdog Millionaire into their gang pride in myself for managing to watch Claudia Winkleman and other fairly the other four women. And the win- I was getting too carried tioned this decision. gay rights – as did Sean Penn. I have a as they won. No wonder it is hard to it all… I did get really engrossed in it, Best Performance by Heath Ledger for well-known guests (one of them was ner of Best Supporting Actress was… away… At 4.10am a Japanese feeling this has something to do with get into showbiz! I’m sure the cama- but mainly because I was anxiously the hilarious Danny Wallace). They Penelope Cruz – I was very happy Steve Martin did some man won an award and the recent repeal of gay marriage in raderie is good once you are in – but waiting for over 2 and a half hours for an Actor in a Support- The Dark Knight chatted for a good half an hour and I about this, as I felt it was about time presenting and was very every Japanese person California… how can you break into such a hard- them to announce whether Kate had was less then impressed. I kept check- that she was recognised for her acting funny, as was Cuba Good- in the audience followed 2) Did Slumdog Millionaire really ened clique in the first place? won or not!! If it is this bad for a ran- ing role ing the clock. Why had the Oscars not talent! ing Jr. Heath Ledger was him on stage. I was be- deserve eight awards? Did it really?? So in conclusion: Well done to Eng- dom member of the public, can you begun? Why were they dragging this After this, time began to blur into predictably announced ginning to feel restless I am proud that an English film and land: winning Best Film, Best Docu- imagine waiting that long if you were out for as long as possible? Why was a hazy fog as tiredness began to set Best Supporting Actor and and tired. Why had none English director has been very suc- mentary, Best Director and Best Ac- nominated?? I not in bed instead?? I just wanted to in. Man On Wire won for Best Docu- there was not a dry eye in of the good awards been cessful, as well as the fact that Ameri- tress is pretty impressive. Finally we Will I stay up to watch the Oscars Best Achievement in Danny Boyle for see Kate Winslet finally win for Best mentary – and the trapeze artist the the house. Crocodile tears given out yet? Why was cans didn’t just vote for an American are getting recognised for our talent! next year? Only if I am invited to the Actress!! film is about was so happy about it flooded the theatre (par- Kate not holding an Oscar? film – but was it really the best film of My final thoughts are to give you ceremony itself. And who knows: it Directing Slumdog Millionaire he balanced the Oscar on his chin. ticularly from actor Adrian Why was I still compelled the year? See my next point for more some advice. Next year when the could happen! And the winner is… Then Seth Rogan (from Knocked Brody) and it seemed like to watch? Why?? Then the elaboration… Academy Awards are on: go to sleep, me! Wow, I guess staying up that late Up) and James Franco (from Spi- everyone was deeply moved awards got even more de- 3) Why wasn’t Dark Knight nomi- wake up in the morning and read the really does make you delusional! derman) tried their hardest at being (or were they – they are after pressing when the great funny and failed miserably. They also all, actors). Call me cynical, Queen Latifah sang a song came across as spectacularly rude by but was Heath really the best about everyone who had mispronouncing a German winner’s supporting actor of the year died in the past year. Not or did he just win because he the kind of thing you want died? I am not doubting the to watch at 4.15am in the fact that he gave a very good morning when you are ex- It seems like Eastwood can’t leave drama alone performance- I just question tremely tired and irritable. whether it was Oscar-worthy?! Finally at 4.20am, they But regardless of what this announced Best Director. In his latest feature – Gran Torino – the famous cowboy boldly takes on the issue of racism. cynic thinks – congratula- And I was shocked. I never tions to him! thought they would give Gran Torino HHHKK from a street gang and a process of “re- Sixth time was the charm for Kate After several more pain- it to an Englishman – humanisation” seems to occur. ful auto-cued presenta- but good on him! Director:Clint Eastwood The reason why Eastwood’s character tions, a ray of sunlight in Then at 4.30am all Writer: Nick Schenk & Dave is so likable, despite his diminished so- high powered movers and shakers of the form of Will Smith of my waiting finally Johannson cial skills, is that he is an embodiment one of the world’s most powerful and Cast: Clint Eastwood of all the things we so dearly yearn to successful industries. I jumped on the Bee vang see in recluse heroes: he seems obnox- Oscar train and was dragged along ious but actually isn’t, he catches on for the ride, so I thought it would be Penn used his on-air time to fast, he always knows what the right relevant that I write an article chroni- advocate gay rights Stefan Carpanu thing to do is and he is able to come cling the whole event. out on top – in a manner of speak- For me and for the rest of the coun- It’s funny, really. I haven’t grown to ap- ing. There’s something special about try, the Oscars began at 11pm, and I Finally, at 1.30am, presenter Hugh A.R. Rahman went home with preciate Clint Eastwood’s recent films being blunt and always being correct switched over to Sky 1 to see Fearne Jackman, recently voted ‘Sexiest two golden guys. Some night, eh? of “great emotional power” (Mystic about things – because that’s the only Cotton standing on the red carpet, Man in the World’, began by singing River) or those where “new emotional circumstances which excuse such anti- trying her hardest to grab and in- a moderately funny song that insult- heights” were reached (Million Dollar social behaviour. terview celebrities as they arrived at ed all of the films nominated. Anne name and then laughing about it – I Baby). Both were by-the-book dramas, What ruins part of the experience in biggest night of the year for movies. Hathaway was pulled out of the au- guess it shows how knowledgeable despite being well executed and left me Gran Torino is the generally mediocre She was fairly unsuccessful, mainly dience and joined him, singing and they are about other cultures. I’m so empty that I simply could not under- acting around Eastwood and particu- because she was not pushy enough es- dancing together under the dazzling sure it wouldn’t have been hard to stand what all the fuss was about – and larly that of Bee Vang , who portrays pecially as she was standing next to E! Proscenium Arch of the stage. Every- ask someone beforehand how to pro- if you’ve read any of my other articles, Thao, the boy being bullied. Several rel- Entertainment’s Ryan Seacrest (who one smiled and laughed. Then a new nounce the names… you know I don’t shy away from sad evant scenes get torn to shreds by the presents American Idol), so he was layout was introduced: five previous The lowest point of the evening tales of redemption. But sometimes unconvincing performance Vang deliv- getting all the big name stars before winners came out together and talked came when a painfully wooden Dan- even good films fall flat because they’re ers but luckily one can bear these with her, and once they had been inter- about each of the five nominees and iel Craig and a clearly uncomfortable too focused on the dramatic spectacle a little courage and determination. viewed by him they left the area and their roles for the category. I really Sarah-Jessica Parker attempted to that’s unfolding and not so much on Clint Eastwood without a gun – now that would be a sight, but this is nothing we haven’t seen before. In the end, Gran Torino looks like a moved to another. Poor Fearne. She liked this approach – it felt fresh and read an autocue whilst pretending to the drama itself. Surely, it’s a matter of fairy-tale of a story: a nice, old fash- tried her hardest and did do a good exciting and was far more dynamic have some sort of chemistry. As much Unsurprisingly Ledger won Best Supporting Actor posthumously. Just personal taste and interpretation, be- ioned feel-good movie, filled with job, but spent most of the time talk- then just watching clips from the as I like the new Bond, he doesn’t re- a pity the Dark Knight was largely ignored on the night. cause otherwise I’d have to stop believ- the central character, Walt Kowalski, Walt is a sour old war veteran, the diverse and any concept of socialisa- healthy laughs and divine justice. How- ing about the glamorous dresses the films. ally seem to have any personality at ing in my sense of value. is shaped from the same mould as typical image of the strict and ultra- tion seems foreign to him. Moreover, ever it is fairly simplistic and it lacks stars were wearing, and occasionally First up was Best Supporting Ac- all and was just terrible at feigning Gran Torino is an effort that feels “Dirty” Harry Callahan with a pinch of conservative tough guy and the movie he has a very strained relationship with the depth of other Eastwood movies, sspeaking to Seacrest himself, when tress, and out came the five previous an interest in talking about the nomi- popped out and showed everyone paid off when they announced what much more down to earth. It does not self-irony, and the story is not particu- begins with his wife’s funeral. Nowa- his sons, which basically means that which means that unless you grow to he was taking a rest for a commercial winners – one of them was comedy nees. Oh dear. how to do it, mainly because he actu- I had been waiting to hear all night: take itself too seriously and yet man- larly imaginative, but Eastwood uses days, the old man is finding it difficult he spends his days pretty much alone. like Walt Kowalski, this viewing ex- break. icon and my favourite actress of all But on the plus side, this horrible ally seemed happy to be there! KATE WINSLET WINS!! I am not ages to strike a good balance between both to create a romantically nostalgic to come to terms with the idea that his Everything changes, however, once perience will turn out to be less than At 1am, we were promised the Os- time, Whoopi Goldberg. She was on event was followed by the most thrill- It was 3.55am now, and no other big going to lie: just before the announce- what works and what doesn’t. Sure, character that keeps the film together. neighbourhood has become ethnically Walt defends the son of his neighbours rewarding. 22 felix Friday 27 February 2009 Friday 27 February 2009 felix 23 Music Music Music Editors – Peter Sinclair James Houghton & Alex Ashford [email protected]

winning formula and the album faded the next bit comes and ruins every- ‘Lucid Dreams’, you’re made of sterner good thing far too early and have still quickly into indifference compared to thing. After about half an hour of stuff than I. been unable to replace it. Whilst there the kingly reverence its predecessor this torment you will find your toler- are some tolerable foot-tappers on here had enjoyed amongst the Jonothanros- ance waning and your finger edging Tonight represents the next stage in and a couple of genuinely good songs, sian masses. After this, Franz Ferdi- towards the skip button with steadily Franz Ferdinand’s attempt to distance there are also moments when you can nand disappeared for some time. Now increasing fre- quency. If you make themselves from their debut and rede- actually feel the drudgery weighing Justice do coke Franz Ferdinand though, they are back, with a third al- it all the way through fine themselves. Like when Christopher down your shoulders as you Emmy the Gritty Tonight bum, Tonight. Ecclestone left Dr. Who after just two listen. Be aware that if you Domino Tonight is like a Wikipedia tour of series, the band gave up on a listen to these tracks all and punk is dead After five years of recording singles, Emmy the Great finally HHIII popular music compared to their de- the way through, your but, which was more like a massive spirit will be crushed Alex Ashford releases her debut album of heartbroken love songs. fuck-off book all about one topic (‘Syn- for ever. Music Editor Alistair Garner copation for Dummies’). Each track is and you’re feeling pretty glum. really nice: the guitar strums faintly in a sortie into a new genre, but all with It all starts with ‘Absentee’. It’s a mel- the background whilst her stark voice Franz Ferdinand’s debut album, if you a distinct Franz Ferdinand twist. It’s oca-Cola have hired the ourselves heard!”. ancholy tune about bereavement but and elegant lyrics take the limelight can remember that far back, was pretty got disco beats with funky bass-lines. French electro duo Jus- These are the people that console us the vocals are fresh and the lyrics are for the last time. There’s even a chance groundbreaking stuff. It was the first It’s got folky finger-twiddling on tice and So Me (the chap when we feel like the world is corrupt ruthlessly truthful. This is followed by that a few tears might drop into that time the mothers of Britain and their acoustic guitar. It’s got crunchy who is responsible for all and runs on money alone. Punk was one which you may have heard already cold coffee of misery by this point. sons were listening to the same band at electro riffery. It’s even got those snazzy Ed Banger all about freedom of self expression; Emmy the Great – the track ‘We Almost Had a Baby’, In short, I think this is an artist who the same time, and was the catalyst that what could pass as a guitar graphics) to design an exclusive coke opposing injustices and prejudices; First Love which was released as a single in No- is in danger of getting a lot more criti- started the gradual merging of Radio 1 solo. It would be something bottle which will exclusively be sold breaking down race, gender, and class 101 Distribution vember last year. The cringe-worthy cism than she deserves from cynics and Radio 2 that continues to this day. of a stretch to say this album C HHHHI in exclusive nightclubs across Europe. barriers; and refusing to take part in lyrics (which begin “You didn’t stop who haven’t really gotten the point. It Looking back over the track list today, had something for everyone Somehow I think those suits at Coke the rich extorting the poor. In the case when I told you to stop” and continue takes a good listen and it’s definitely a there isn’t one song that I don’t think – Jay-Z fails to make an ap- got the wrong idea when someone told of Iggy Pop, he isn’t even eligible for in- to describe her hopes of pregnancy grower. Even though the lyrics are a bit wasn’t a single, or at least it seems that pearance and there are no them how popular coke is in European surance from Swiftcover because they Fiona Watt to gain control over an ex-boyfriend) depressing, it somehow has a youthful way to me. Is that because the songs violin concertos, but the nightclubs... don’t cover musicians, due to them physically make me squirm. It’s sung were all so catchy, or just because they average guitar pop afi- But they aren’t alone, it seems a lot of being statistically far more likely to Having been tipped as the next big in such a way that even though at first all sounded the same? cionado should be eas- otherwise respectable artists have been damage their cars. He is supporting thing as long ago as 2007, Emmy the you, of course, assume it’s a bit of joke, “Falling in love Whilst an interesting question, this is ily satisfied. cashing in on their personal brands a company that discriminates against Great’s self-produced debut album by the end the serious tone has you beside the point because it was a good Listening to this al- lately. Iggy Pop’s craggy face hassles the very thing he is! First Love has been long awaited in worrying about Emma’s mental health. for the first record all the same and won the 2004 bum is something of me about car insurance every time I But is it all alright, because selling anticipation. But it’s simple and strangely likeable Mercury Prize for its quality. The fol- a challenge. It is lightly pass through a train station and for a yourself like this is simply letting oth- Vocalist Emma Lee Moss has been and when you stop wincing, you just time, against low up, You Could Have It So Much spattered with medioc- while, Johnny Lydon tried to make me ers profit from you without you having labelled as another indie kid huddling might really enjoy it. Better, was less same-y but (some rity, evenly distributed buy butter every morning as I walked to do anything other than be yourself? under the ‘anti-folk’ umbrella with Her lyrics continue to be the most the backdrop of might argue, consequently) less popu- throughout so that to Vauxhall bus station. But are they Maybe the “they sold out!” reaction is Noah and the Whale and Laura Mar- charming quality of the album through- lar. Musically it was still credible and you are repeatedly al- selling out? In this modern age, is it simply projecting your own hippy eth- ling. While she denies that this was out. The songs are clever and unique an old cassette enjoyable to more die-hard music fans lowed to just begin to all okay to make money however you ics onto other people. her intention, she doesn’t seem overly and all quite sad. She confesses herself but The Franzes had strayed from their enjoy yourself when want? Do we still care about that raw Maybe it’s cool to sell your personal bothered by the classification. Re- that she was no musical prodigy, and player spitting punk integrity that made such musi- brand because at the end of the day you freshingly, she lacks the strive-to-be- you can tell that her attitude towards cians icons in the first place? are the one who gets the biggest slice of different-at-all-costs mentality which writing isn’t to tick any boxes: there are out “broken Well I do. the pie. And who cares what everyone afflicts so many of today’s generic pop no anthemic choruses and she certain- If I found out that my punk idols like else thinks, after all, not caring about bands. She doesn’t arrogantly claim to ly doesn’t try to water down her songs Hallelujah’s” Anthony Joseph & the Spasm Band Patti Smith and Thurston Moore had what other people think of you is the have created her own genre or broken into some vague sentiments that eve- their face plastered up and down the most punk ethic there is. any boundaries: she’s just made a really ryone can relate to. She just says what Album Launch party next Thursday IC RADIO country with slogans like “Privilege If it were up to me, ads would be good album. she thinks. (you don’t have to be posh)” and “in- narrated by David Mitchell as a talk- Her voice is youthfully girlish and al- The title track is definitely one which Music felix has teamed up with An- Monday 19:00 – 20:00 Off Beat 20:00 – 00:00 Music Tech cinerate... your debts”, my heart would ing dog. All ads in the future should be though naïve throughout, the album is stands out on the album. It is laced and carefree sound about it. You can thony Joseph & the Spasm Band for 12:00 – 14:00 IKOBETRADIO 20:00 – 21:00 DJ Chainz Ice Sessions shrivel like a deflated balloon. I would narrated by David Mitchell as a dog. upfront and often quite brutally hon- through with the tune of Leonard Co- tell that she doesn’t take herself too the launch party of the fantastic album 17:00 - 18:00 Capital Cuts Cream Hour feel betrayed and let down. These are Even the consequences of drug use are est. Putting it on for the first time and hen’s ‘Hallelujah’ and is written about seriously, and behind the pessimistic Bird Head Song at Cargo this Thurs- 18:30 – 20:00 Pick ‘n’ Mix 21:00 – 23:00 Pirate IC Radio Saturday the people we look up to because they much less patronising to listen to when listening to it in the background, you’ll – guess what? Falling in love for the and mildly aggressive words hide self- day. If you head along with your Impe- 20:00 – 21:30 Peer Pressure 11:00 – 13:00 VPT have made their way in the world by it’s the voice of the guy who once pis- probably think it a lively and sweet first first time, against the backdrop of an depreciating lyrics and a very genuine rial Student ID, you’ll be let in for the Thursday 15:00 – 17:00 Yes We Can fighting against conformity and mun- sed in his work colleague’s desk drawer album whilst happily humming along old cassette player spitting out “broken modesty. The result is a really intimate well cheap price of £5. Awesome. Tuesday 12:00 – 13:00 Belated Hype 17:00 – 18:00 danity, kicking back and saying “this is and drew a swastika love heart on a over your coffee – but giving the words Hallelujah’s”. It’s just lovely. The last album which seems to say “everything’s That’s not all, we’ve also got a free 12:00 – 12:45 Capital Science 13:00 – 14:00 Dead Air Space Hypercommunication what we believe in, and we will make Post-it. a proper listen gives the release a quite track, ‘City Song’, definitely deserves a pretty terrible. Let’s just get over it.” download of the song ‘Vero’ for you to 13:00 – 14:00 Science at One 16:00 – 17:00 Papercuts alarming new dimension and before mention too. It’s another love song, or Hopefully, there will be much more to enjoy. Head over to www.musicglue. 14:00 – 15:30 Beyond the Hype 18:00 – 19:00 Nath and Yuvi’s you know it your coffee’s gone tepid more accurately a ballad of lost love. It’s come. com/anthonyjoseph to check it out. 17:00 – 18:00 Maggie’s Thatch Happy Hour Sunday The critically acclaimed album takes 18:00 – 19:00 It’s All About the 19:00 – 21:00 Instrumental 16:00 – 17:00 The Pop Show its name from Antony’s childhood Music 21:00 – 23:00 The Spectre 17:00 – 19:00 The G and T nickname as he grew up in Trinidad. 19:00 – 20:00 Believe the Hype Show Show Moving from the Caribbean to London 20:00 – 21:00 White Noise 19:00 – 21:00 The Roushan Badly drawn “Pun”niest DJ has had a huge affect upon the sound Friday Alam Show of Anthony’s music, which clearly has Wednesday 13:00 – 14:00 Friday Lunchtime 21:00 – 23:00 The Crack Den albums names an eclectic list of influences. The funky, 13:00 – 14:00 Eye on Science Fantastic free-jazz feel of the music fits well with 14:00 – 15:00 The Indie Show 14:00 – 15:00 Free Music Alex Ashford Alex Ashford the spoken poetry and vocals that are 16:00 – 18:00 The Flagship 16:00 – 17:00 Science Jam so reminiscent of Beat poets of yester- Show 18:00 – 19:00 SoundBeam Thanks to those of you who did my Everyone knows most club DJs are year. The launch party runs from 7pm 18:00 – 19:00 1 for the Heads 19:00 – 20:00 The DC Sessions

album quiz and emailed in with your thirty-something men who never both- till 1am at Cargo in Shoreditch. NGS::LISTIN

quiz results, I never expected you all to ered to get real jobs and spend most of :LISTINGS::LISTINGS::LISTINGS::LISTINGS:: get so many, it makes me feel warm and their time in their bedroom twiddling fuzzy to know there are lots of people their knobs. So it’s nice when they lurking around Imperial who are quite don’t take themselves super seriously Friday :: Folk Tuesday Thursday into music and who also read felix. I and have an awful cringe-worthy joke Yucatan :: The Slaughtered Lamb knew you were out there! I may find DJ name. These are some of the best/ :: Epic Shoegaze a way to incorporate this into a regular worst names I’ve heard. Emmy the Great :: ULU :: British Nic Fanciulli :: Matter :: House Women + Wavves :: The The Maccabees :: Barfly :: Indie feature every fortnight, by popular de- Anti-folk Electronic Lexington ::Lo-fi Peter Bjorn and John :: Scala:: mand. Of course. Amazingly, a group Osama Spin Laden Katy Perry :: Koko :: IDM Natan :: Bridgehouse 2 :: Dark Deerhunter :: Scala :: Indie Indie of people from way over in Silwood Darth Fader Good Books :: Barfly :: Indie Metal Tina Turner :: O2 Arena :: Pop Anthony Joseph & The Spasm Park got every single one right. Eve- Margaret Scratcher A Day to Remember ::The 4 or 5 Magicians :: Propaganda Band:: Cargo :: Jazzy Caribbean ryone who emailed me got the single. Vinyl Ritchie Underworld :: Metalcore Sunday UCL :: Indie Sounds 100% and a smiley face sticker to you. DJ Scratchatory Rape Orphans & Vandals :: The Bull Chris Letcher :: The Borderline :: WhoMadeWho:: Hoxton Bar and Pill Cosby Tavern :: Indie Future Islands :: Old Blue Last :: Alternative Kitchen :: Electronic 1st place with all 28/28 Brian Maiden Mirror! Mirror! :: Cargo :: Indie New Wave Pocus Mountain + Jack Mountain Micachu and The Shapes :: James Broom, Lucy Fray and Dave Jim’ll Mix It Reel Big Fish :: The Forum :: The Bronx :: Rough Trade East :: + Elks + Bad Guys :: The Miller Montague Arms :: Indie Wallis Ellis Dee Ska Punk Hardcore Punk :: Noise Crazy Penis + Shock Defeat Jabba Da Cut The Magic Numbers :: Monto Torn Out :: The Phoenix :: Pop The Great Indoors + Empire of + Slutty Fringe :: Islington 2nd place with 25/28 DJ Salinger Water Rats :: Indie Light :: The Roebuck :: Indie Academy :: Electronic Chris Matthews Jonatha Brooke :: Bush Hall :: Imperial Leisure :: 100 Club:: James Pye But the best DJ name has got to be: Indie Monday Wednesday Indie Darren Hayman and the 3rd place with 24/28 Saturday Fucked Up + Rolo Tomassi :: Secondary Modern :: The The LaDZZZ Wildbirds & Peacedrums :: The Electric Ballroom :: Awesome Lexington :: Indie Pop Thomas Utley Social :: Indie Marmaduke Duke :: Heaven :: Jamie Woon :: The Slaughtered Simon Hunter Circlesquare :: Rough Trade East House Feathers :: The Luminaire Experimental Hardcore Lamb :: Ambient Dubstep :: Indie :: Folk Mumford And Sons :: ICA :: Folk Beth Dariti :: The World’s End Vetiver :: Pure Groove Records Howling Bells :: Fopp Covent Jamie T :: The Peel :: London Camden :: Acoustic Singer Gardens :: Indie Indie Singer-Songwriter Songwriter 24 felix Friday 27 February 2009 Nightlife Nightlife Editor – Catherine Jones (CJ) [email protected] Videopia killed the radio star! Cocktails, dancing and comically bad acting. Catherine Jones reviews a creative night of film-making fun

Videopia HHHHH ficult to follow in places, despite efforts Favours for Sailors were at times Remi- Tuesday 17th February to create character continuity with niscent of Razorlight, The Cribs and Notting Hill Arts Club costume. On a positive note, IC radio King’s of Leon. Perhaps in a different Best:Low budget film production stars Seth (Capital Science), Thom and context, their guitar rock could shine. Worst: Long Island E.T. cocktail Sam (Papercuts) made some of the best Finally on the bill, the impressive was not to my taste. contributions of the night. You can see Portasound. Whistling solos, nob Price: £4/5 for yourself on the Videopia facebook twiddling solos, dancable electro pop- group. made with analogue and digital instru- The live music began with Bristol’s ments. My highlight was the infectious, ideopia is an interactive Let’s Tea Party, a quirky indie-pop uplifting single “The Wrong Parade”. I club night at The Not- act. The endearing trio put in a well want to dance just talking about it. I ting Hill Arts Club that is received performance, notable for the thought the keyboard solo was just so just “too cool for school”. driving, funky bass rhythms that got “squiggly” for want of a better term. As With a frivolous mix of the crowd moving. a frame of reference, I consider I think low budget movie making, up-and- Let’s Tea Party’s played with their they are a more electro Late of the Pier. Vcoming bands and dancefloor antics, it characteristic deadpan delivery of sur- In fact they recently remixed Late of has something to appeal to film buffs real lyrics, using an eclectic choice of the Pier’s “Broken”. On tour they have and indie kids alike. instruments. So eclectic, I think I may supported Metronomy, Friendly Fires, The set up is simple. On a shoestring have heard a kazoo played at one point. Shitdisco, and they firmly fit in that budget, they mixed, shot and screened The eclecticism is not always received genre of band. “The best bits” of Speilberg Classic E.T. in a straightforward way. During a flute Finally the Rockfeedback DJs kept in the corner of the Notting Hill club. solo, a friend exclaimed “I just can’t get the dancefloor going until the early With homemade props and costumes, the mental picture of Ron Burgandy hours with a surprising mix of the the D.I.Y. ethnic ruled. No money was (From “Anchorman”) out of my head”. revered classics (Rock the Kazbah, wasted on C.G.I. E.T.’s costume was Let’s Tea Party have been heavily Beastie Boys, Yeah Yeah Yeahs) mixed cobbled together from papier mâché tipped for the big time world of indie- with the new. and brown sellotape, and looked pretty pop stardom this year, by the likes of The frivolity continued as E.T, yes realistic. Clubbers became actors, as NME, XFM and BBC Introducing. E.T, made an appearance on the dance- the busy bar was hushed as filming be- Based on that performance I would say floor. And he has “the moves” ! Using gan with the cry of “Action!”. they were a funny, charming, pop ver- his unusually flat head, he executed Filming for a good hour or so, the sion of The Young Knives, and worth some break dancing moves which evening reached a climax with the E.T. making the effort to see again. were out of this world! At 3 am after a film premiere. The E.T. production was Next up, Favours for Sailors, an alt hard slog on the dancefloor, with some comedically bad in (most) places, but rock foursome. Although an enjoyable strange characters, we all went home, never short of charm. As you would band to watch, I felt guitar acts were E.T. included. expect filming a single take, the acting at a disadvantage. In comparison to Videopia returns on March 10th with quality wasn’t great (maybe they drank the imaginative electro acts on rest of remakes of “Willy Wonka” and on May too much Long Island E.T.?). It was dif- the bill, they sounded flat and generic . 12th with “Ghost Busters”. Stars of stage, screen... and the Notting Hill Arts Club

ICU Fairtrade Society presents… Monday 23rd: Sampling in JCR during lunchtime Free coffee for everyone who buys Fairtrade! Exchange a recent receipt showing you Thursday 26th: Cheese and rd have bought a Fairtrade item Tuesday 3 : Fairtrade tea Wine Evening. 7-10 in for a coffee voucher. meeting, 4-6 in Blackett level Huxley 344. (£5/£7) 8 Common Room. (£0.50/£1)

Friday 6th: Last sampling! Discounts on Sherfield Fairtrade snacks Wednesday 4th: Free 12-2. and drinks in JCR sampling in Sherfield during lunchtime Tuesday 3rd: Free screening th Thursday 26 : Chocolate of Black Gold. 12.15 in meeting. Information about Buy raffle tickets for your Huxley 311. Free snacks and Fairtrade and free samples. chance to win 2 luxury raffle tickets! 12-2 in Huxley 308

FAIRTRADE FORTNIGHT FAIRTRADE chocolate hampers or a total of £60 PeopleTree vouchers. 26 felix Friday 27 February 2009 Friday 27 February 2009 felix 27 Fashion [email protected] Fashion Fashion Editor – Dan Wan [email protected] sories: looped and looped long earrings Perfect mix of all types of fluidy fab- heavy show. And by the time William that touch the collar bones. All in all, rics – silk, chiffon, feather… Lovely and bowed to the heavy applause in the au- the show was good but lacked the spice orderly blend. Perfect evening gowns ditorium. My hands were sore. that makes you feel fully satisfied. to grab attention. Space invader shoulders on a fitted See the fashion show online on A-line dress. Long and folded pock- SICK 10.30 Peacock by Shane and Falguni Youtube. Search for “Falguni & Shane ets on another colourful A-line knee- Peacock Peacock S/S 09 at On Off”. length dress with corseted tube top. Catwalks at London Fashion Week Beautifully origami folded dresses reviews fashion shows at the Autumn/Winter 09 London Fashion Week. She sneaked The Mumbai fashion duo’s work is now were supremely tailored to acquire a Kawai Wong stocked by Harrods since their first clean and tidy 3D shape. backstage to interview Fashion Fringe winner Eun Jeong and William Tempest(‘s grandfather.) show in London last September. The Day 4 - 23/02/09 sexy and feminine style is reminiscent of Dolce & Gabbana. 17.30 Reem by Reem Alasadi. On|Off Superb ability at casual sporty and cotton or fur. V-shaped neckline with ing in an untidy and sloppy way. A refreshing collection that celebrate Exhibition, Science Museum DayDay 11 -- 20/02/09 20/02/09 romantism. Eun Jeong has succeeded two puff collars on the side fitted to an Other than this, the show was pleas- the curvaceous and the sexy shapes in making boyfriend unfriendly harem otherwise boring tube topped peplum ant and has stuck to the safe and con- of women. Utterly jaw dropped at the A regular at Toyko and London Fash- pants interesting. One piece harems dress. The peplum is also glammed sheer quality and detailed embellish- ion Week for off schedule shows. Reem 13.05 Noir/Bllack Noir by Peter Ing- that resemble a sailor’s overall. Bum up by sewed on wavy embellishment ments on all of their dresses. Insanely demonstrated a sophisticated mixture wersen. Estethica event hugging harems in silk with loosely on flexible see-through material. The of influences stemmed from her many fitted legs and bulging pleated pock- reinforced rim on the peplum gives a years of selling personalised vintage Estethica is British Fashion Council’s nice contrast to the frivolous and fluid clothes in Portobello Market. Luella Bartley initiative to promote sustainable and tulle/chiffon used on the skirt. The level of details; the intricasy of British Fashion Designer of the eco-clothing for high end fashion. Ingenious tweed swimsuit like mail- the craftsmanship; the fabric the col- Year 2008. Luella, 34, revived “1.5million tonnes of unwanted cloth- lot, perfect fine ruffles on the entire lection uses rival the genuine couture punk in her AW09 collection. ing ends up in landfills in the UK each houses. Although not all pieces re- Luella says she doesn’t do year”. Biodegradable clothing now ceived top level tailoring, the silhou- How the cape looked on the make up, doesn’t do hairdo. then? ette and the creativity is undoubtedly runway in Reem’s “Charlie Says... Poor Victoria, trying way too As a huge fan of Scandinavian fash- Collection”. hard doesn’t make you a good ion, I counted down in milliseconds designer OK? for the opening of the Danish Show. 26 Avril Lavigne lookalikes strutted CSM went all out with their ter how trendy you are everybody in- William Tempest and his finale down the runway in what I can only designs this season evitably gets influenced by it. dress in printed fabric and an call a “New Look” wardrobe. One of origami waistline. the models actually rolled out of bed 19.45 William Tempest. Fashion dragging her linen with her. Opening Scout Merit Award Winner 2009 an Estethica event with such an unim- Printed fabrics were used extensively aginative line has drained any hope for If some hugely influential fashion in the collection. Henry VIII, pearls eco-clothing. journalists such as Colin McDowell and various accessories add edginess and Hilary Alexander abandoned the and romance to some of the boyish famous designers at 7.45pm in favour jackets. The symmetric V-Shaped tie ets in see-through. Then comes a of a young one. You know you are in a dyed jacket on gabardine has fully uti- perfectly executed pea coat mutation. lised the pattern. Low breadth and big round buttons in front. Loosely fitted morning gown Crazy embroidery including a Felix was backstage hoping to inter- Neon Pink Lips fluorescent pink wool with a heavily like coat. Impressive. silver plated swan, peacock hair view William. We ended up chatting to It’s just cool OK? embroidered floral inner hood. Evening Another applause for the Princessy and feather. All these add-ons his grandpa instead… wear consisted of surreal haute couture Victorian removable collar with chiffon give the dress a surprising and pleating held together by an elasticated shocking look. Kawai: What is William like? ribbon. Also bean shaped oversized Kawai tries on a cape with Grandpa: An extremely humble black leather clutch box complete with feather, murano lace and tulle. young man. We drove round to pick round the side bold silver zip. servative design. Betty has recycled chaotic decorative embroidery but him up for tea … (5 minutes later) and The men’s collection is definitely some old ideas, high-waisted, loose cooperated extremely well. In fact if it plausible. A self-taught designer and he is a very talented young man. He got manly and barbaric. Started off with a and cropped trousers tied with a bow weren’t for the top craftsmanship and a very articulate business woman, Fe- 9A for his GCSEs. A cheeky looking dress! ruthlessly oversized and shapelesss fur at the waist. Mini cardigans above the the sharp designer instinct at the add- lix had a small interview with her and K: When did William start to take an coat that reminded me of a bear. Then waist in cashmere are pleasant but will ons, the dresses would have looked tried on a few pieces! interest in fashion? a furry SS overcoat with a thin belt prove a difficult combo for Betty’s pre- boring and tedious. Kawai: Fashion recycles. What is so G: Since after school really. 17.05 Central Saint Martin’s above the waist. Also a tweed suit that dominant client range. Good for us Not only was the embroidery work special about the style in this century? K: Are there any fashion influence in Backstage has mocked tailor marks as details. young and daring though. satisfying, the design and the cutting Reem: It has to be fucked up bits. I the family? There are some interesting pieces of the dresses were equally pleasing. mean look at this! (Points to her rapey G: Myself and my son are The oversubscribed CSM show meant it however. Velvety full length dress with Exotic huge bare backs comes in slit- looking white top) Mix of trainers on engineers… Boater Shoes was impossible to get tickets. Managed DayDay 33 -- 22/02/09 22/02/09 ted diamond shapes or kite shapes. evening gowns or suits... No wonder why William’s designs As with all shoes, great with to sneak backstage to take a few snaps. Golden zips give dresses a strong and K: Do you believe in trends? Tempest’s space invader neckline have so much structure and tidiness on the right outfit. I think boat- I wondered what backstage bagged up hardened edge. R: I don’t follow trends. But no mat- and a slightly corseted top. top of the pleasing aesthetic then. ers are awesome summer stuff looked like on catwalk... shoes, but strictly summer. You just look a bit metrosexual Roll out of bed and onto a runway elements. A huge thumb up for the and Portugese wearing these - Noir style. highly frivolous but elegant beige bub- about College. blish evening gown. DayDay 22 -- 21/02/09 21/02/09 Kawai: Inspiration for the collection? Noir featured bare backs with bits Eun Jeong: Both my parents are fash- ripped off plus untidily pleated silk ion designers so I always get ideas from 12.30 John Rocha by John Rocha drape tied up with a rope equals a rapey them. Also V for Vendetta. Everything Tips for Blaggers look. The reluctant-thumb ups go to the originates from love. leather scarves. An Afghan and a neck Don’t have tickets to a show? Want to get backstage? wrap with slanted military buttons. From left: The infamous Betty Jackson style print fabric and the loopy earrings. A straight velvet Kawai Wong has 10 ways to blag her way into shows. dress with folded details. hen it comes to through the barrier. 6. I am a very important assistant... a fashion show, 3. Follow...follow... Hilary Alexander/Colin McDowell’s having tickets Stand behind someone who has a assistant. don’t necessarily ticket. Chat to her - “Who do you work 7. I am involved in the collection... Afghan Scarf guarentee entry. for?”, “How did you get the tickets?”. “I’m the embroiderer”; “I’m the seam- It drains me, it does. Shred PR people invite more people than Make people think that you are friends stress”; “I designed the shoes”; “I am an the shit and flush it down the Fun and puffy over the top alice Wthey can actually accommodate. If or workmates. Tail her closely. When apprentice”. Make sure you can back up toilet. If you are wearing this band decorates John Rocha’s you are opportunistic enough, you she goes through... And voila, you are your little fibs... for religious or political reason merry dresses. Betty Jackson’s fashion accident? can get in anywhere. Read these, be in a show. 8. Look bombastic! then that’s ok. Otherwise, seek smart and you are backstage! 4. Who are the sponsors? Always dress up and I mean DRESS medical help. Find out in advance who sponsors UP (hair, ears, shoes…) Strut your way Felix is backstage interviewing A CBE for his contribution to fashion. 9.15 Betty Jackson by Betty Jackson 1. Look Away! the show – MAC? L’Oreal? Toni&Guy? through as if you belong there. Eun Jeong British Fashion Designer of the Year Don’t make eye contact with any Strut up to the bouncer and tell them 9. A great personality helps! 14.30 Eun Jeong by Eun Jeong Hong. 2004. Of Hong Kong/Portuguese her- First solo show in 1981. British Fash- PR/doorman. They will stop you and you are a rep/photographer/reporter/ Be nice, a bit shy, but definitely con- Winner of Fashion Fringe 2009 itage and Ireland based designer. ion Designer of the Year 1985. Once a ask for a ticket. correspondent for the company. fident. PR people never want to piss K: How did it feel winning the Fash- Good Show. Playful but the femininity visiting professor at the RCA; current 2. How does the invitation look 5. Borrow some kit! anyone off. SHIT Walking away with £100,000 prize ion Fringe? and the seriousness was still there. The trustee of V&A and a CBE. Has Betty like? Incredibly popular show? Go to the 10. Now sit back and enjoy! money from Fashion Fringe. Eun EJ: The minute I won, sponsors were collection was like John’s complicated shown design fatigue? squared and heavily padded shoulder. Always check out the size and venue two hours in advance. Drag a Make sure you chat to people. They Jeong’s first solo show explains why flocking to me which was a surprise. I background: Victorian, 60s, futuristic. The show started with a shocking Lovely details of the bulky folds on shape of the invitation. Hold a metallic photographer case. Hold a may even get you into an aftershow her designs have captured the heart of received a lot of help in terms of busi- Brilliant and quirky cushiony acces- short homespun woollen wrap tied up the side. It is a Betty Jackson show, the piece of paper/envelope as you walk stand if possible. Head backstage. party! Donatella Versace. ness from the Fashion Fringe people. sories. Huge puffy alice bands comes in with a huge bow in front. It was shock- printed fabric won’t go amiss. Acces- 28 felix Friday 27 February 2009 Friday 27 February 2009 felix 29

Is your club cooler than the cat that Clubs & Societies got the cream? Write to us.

Clubs & Socs Editor - Alice Rowlands [email protected] What’s on... Clubs & Societies Calendar Editors – Lily Topham & Rachel D’oliveiro Learning about the opposite sex [email protected] After their very successful survey on what the opposite sex really wants, Every Nation Christian present the Wednesday debate that complemented it. As before, Tosin Ajayi tells us all Monday Tuesday Thursday Friday

couple of weeks ago, the Fairtrade Fairtrade Fairtrade Fairtrade Fairtrade observant amongst you would have noticed this Fortnight Fortnight Fortnight Fortnight Fortnight poster all over campus, the fortunate would have Fairtrade Fortnight continues Fairtrade Society presents More opportunities to sample Come to our presentation on The last day to celebrate the answered a survey about the opposite this week with more fantastic “Black Gold”, an eye-opening Fairtrade products at the lunch- Fairtrade in the chocolate in- Fortnight! Asex relating to the poster, and the really Faritrade activities! film about the multi-billion dol- time sampling session! dustry and learn more about switched on would have seen the re- lar coffee industry. how the cocoa farmers are We will be handing out the last sults of the 2009 Opposite Sex survey This lunch, come along and Time: 12pm benefitting from this and how bit of free Fairtrade products in felix two issues ago. collect a letter towards the Free Fairtrade snacks and Place: Level 2, Sherfield the beans are turned into bars. for you to sample. But the truly, divinely, blessed at- Fairtrade word and receive the drinks will be provided. Price: Admission Free tended the event it all centred about. Fairtrade fact of the day. FREE CHOCOLATE at the end Time: 12-2pm Understanding The Opposite Sex 2009 You can also collect a letter to- of the presentation. Place: Level 2, Sherfield in the Elec Eng foyer. With the Elec There is also the opportunity wards the Fairtrade word and Price: Admission Free Eng Café transformed (well, this time to sample lots of Fairtrade receive the Fairtrade fact of the Time:1pm the food was free), the evening kicked products, as well as finding day Art Exhibition Place: LT 308, Huxley off with the results of the survey pre- out more information about Price: Admission Free sented in a Family Fortunes (check Fairtrade and selling raffle and Time: 12pm Leonardo Fine Arts Society in- IC Choir YouTube if that makes no sense) style. event tickets for the week’s Place: Room 311, Huxley vite you to the opening of their In an attempt to ‘decide once and for activities. Price: Admission Free new exhibition, entitled Concert all’ which sex understands more about “Metamorphosis”. Fairtrade the other, a team of four girls took Time: 12-2pm IC Choir’s spring concert fea- turns guessing what were the top five Place: Junior Common Room With clever ideas, dexterity and Fortnight tures Mozart’s Great Mass In answers which guys gave to the survey Price: Admission Free Fairtrade a variety of media LeoSoc’s C Minor and Handel’s Coro- questions. members have approached Come to the Fairtrade Cheese nation Anthems: The King Their opponents were a group of four Fortnight this year’s exhibition topic with and Wine evening! Shall Rejoice; Let Thy Hand Be guys guessing answers to the reverse great success. Strengthened. questions, with 10 points awarded for Organised by TeaSoc, the Fair- Co-organised with Cheese So- the top answer, 8 for the next, and so Leonardo trade Fortnight Tea Tasting will The annual exhibition is the ciety, it will be an evening of in- Conducted by Dr. Colin Dur- on. be a relaxing event where you highlight of the fine arts calen- dulgence with a wide range of rant. Soloists include Imperial The girls’ team captain Lakshmi Society Talk will get the chance to try a dar at Imperial, and this year cheeses and Fairtrade wine. College students Jessica Gill- Sreenivasan had assembled a crack range of Fairtrade teas and bis- runs from 4th - 13th March ingwater, Edward Hughes and squad that promptly proceeded to cuits in a friendly atmosphere. 2009. Enjoy the live music, test your Paul Plant. romp through the first question “What The award winning London knowledge in the Fairtrade quiz do men look for in women?”– getting artist Kate Street will give There will be books and leaflets If you want to enjoy some art or enter the raffle. Time: 7.30pm four out of five questions right. a talk about her work and to flick through with informa- together with a glass of wine Place: Great Hall, Sherfield The men were an altogether less inspiration. tion about Fairtrade for those and snacks, then come along to Time: 7 – 10 pm Price: cohesive unit; only guessing the top who are interested. the exhibition opening tonight. Place: Huxley 244 In advance – £4/£8 (Students/ one and the bottom two answers right Kate’s drawings and sculptures Admission: £5/£7 (Members/ Non-Students) when asked “What do women look for explore the rich and fascinat- Time: 4pm Time: 6pm Non-Members) On the door – £5/£10 (Students/ in men?” Team captain James Green- ing interplay between sex and Place: Lvl 8 Common Room, Place: Blyth Gallery, 5th floor Non-Students) halgh also took to arguing with other death, freshness and decay. Blackett Sherfield team members and openly berated Price: £0.50/£1 (Members/Non- Price: Admission Free one, proclaiming “They don’t want The floor was then handed to Wolf- us that way. After warning everybody and for whom if something is wrong, Further comparisons made were the Displaced human body parts Members) Imperial Idol that!?” when a team member suggested gang (Wolfi) Eckleben, a Pastor of that what he was about to talk about EVERYTHING is wrong; his tongue in differences in shopping styles, com- sprout roots and shoots in ‘Commitment’ as an answer. Every Nation Church London, a man were generalisations, he went on to cheek (surely!) suggestion that this was munication (Men: headlines, Women: precise line drawings reminis- Imperial’s own X-factor compe- The deadline for next This was a trend that repeated it- who spent 5 years at university (a outline some of the ways in which we due to testosterone disconnecting the details) and crisis management. cent of 19th Century botanical tition returns to dB’s following week’s edition is midnight self throughout the questions with are different and some of the problems two halves of the male brain drew the On crisis management, he stated that etchings, while her immaculate The Wind In The Wind In last year’s sold-out evening! on Mon 2nd March. the men rapidly falling behind. Due to that come from that, this included in- loudest heckles of the night, with cries men like to take a problem away, hide sculptures evoke a rotten, per- some technical glitches, during which terviewing a married couple, Greg and like “References!” ringing out. Mainly and conquer it. And only then come fumed beauty that is part Miss The Willows The Willows The contestants battle it out in To feature, please send in the word ‘Boobs’ randomly popped “Due to some Suzanne Albrecht, who had been mar- from the men though. out and tell everyone ‘I did it!’, with- Havisham, part Joan Collins. front of the audience and ‘ce- the following: up on the screen as an answer to the ried a year, after only knowing each Of particular delight was his plea to out understanding or knowing this, a ICSM Drama presents ‘The ICSM Drama presents ‘The lebrity’ judges. Tickets avail- question “What do women think men technical other a year, cue surprised gasp from each sex to realise how the other sex woman might try and force him to talk Refreshments will be provided. Wind in the Willows’ by Ken- Wind in the Willows’ by Ken- able online and in the SAF at - Club name look for?” Some answers were revealed audience. gets sexually turned on. Men by sight, about this and wonder why he seems to The talk will lead into a short neth Grahame: a timeless story neth Grahame: a timeless story lunchtimes. All proceeds go to - Event name before the women had time to guess glitches... the Most of what they said seemed to women by atmosphere. “Guys”, he said, grow distant. Q&A session with the artist and which has enchanted millions which has enchanted millions Save the Children. Who will be - Date(s) and although this wasn’t their fault, back up Wolfi’s earlier quote – “There “if you need a girl’s help with some cal- Women on the other hand, want to a hands-on art session, with all of people of all the ages and is of people of all the ages and is the Imperial Idol 2009? YOUR - Time the ladies lost a couple of guesses, giv- words ‘Boobs’ are two times in life men and women talk through the problem, want some- equipment provided by Leon- guaranteed to make you smile. guaranteed to make you smile. vote decides! - Place ing the men an ever-so-slim chance randomly don’t understand each other: before one to empathise. However, the man, ardo fine arts society. - Price (if applicable) of catching up. One which the men marriage and after marriage”. However, “Men are com- seeing the problem and not under- Running Mon – Fri this week. Running Mon – Fri this week. Every ticket goes into a draw to - Short description of the didn’t really grab until the final ques- popped up on when asked what they’d learnt about standing, might try to ride in on his Time: 6pm win a signed JLS Hoodie! event (max. 30 words) tions; “What is the most important ele- the opposite sex that they’d share with partmentalised white horse and solve the problem for Place: LT 408, Elec Eng Time: 7pm Time: 7pm ment to a successful relationship?” and the screen” others, Greg said: “Sometimes, the is- the little lady, then wonder why she’s Price: £3/£5 (Members/Non- Place: Union Concert Hall, Beit Place: Union Concert Hall, Beit Time: 7pm All submissions should “Which one thing can most jeopardise sue is less important than the relation- creatures who having a go at him. Members) Price: £5 (Mon-Tues), £6 (Wed- Price: £5 (Mon-Tues), £6 (Wed- Place: dB’s, Beit be sent to: a relationship?” when they hit on the ship. If you have to, pick your time to In the Q&A time, the question of Fri) Fri) Price: £4 not immediately obvious yet ingenious address it carefully. No use spoiling a deal with one generalisations returned, especially [email protected] ploy of giving the exact same answers 5-year course he assures us), and has good evening over nothing” while Su- as some men present seemed to think as the women did, who had answered been successfully married for 18 years. zanne said: “Respect. Men need wom- thing at a time” that not every woman would like the before them. He started off by asking the audience en to show them respect”. behaviour that had been outlined, to 50 points were up for grabs in each to guess whether certain objects were Wolfi took over again and proceeded which Wolfi answered that the main Battle of the Bands category for the most random answer male or female before revealing what to let women in on the ways men are culus problem, and you ask her to meet point was to try and figure out what given for each question, but with an- the answer was and why (e.g. Compu- different, and from his experience, you at some low-lit Italian restaurant the peculiarities of a particular per- Jazz and Rock Society invite you to come and watch the ultimate showdown between the best student bands from Imperial and beyond! With swers such as “Someone with hand- ter – male: in order to get their atten- vice versa. He started by talking about with a guy playing the violin, you are son are and work based on that, not judges from IC Radio, Alternative Music Society and RockSoc - this is an evening not to be missed! cuffs”, “Someone just as messed up as tion, you have to turn them on). the way we think. Whilst it would be sending a message.” on what you instinctively think you they are” and “When you tell lies, make This being a Christian run event, the hard to dispute his assertion that men “Girls, if you invite a guy for a pla- should do. His point was: In order to Watch out for Jazz and Rock members in the JCR and Sherfield walkway all this week handing out promotional fliers - take your flier with you to them believable”. It’s perhaps no sur- bible was whipped out, with one of his are compartmentalised creatures who tonic meal at McDonald’s and show up do relationships right, be prepared to Saturday the event and you’ll get £1 off entry. For more information, contact: [email protected]. prise that both teams failed to get even opening gambits being Matthew 19: deal with one thing at a time, prefer in a miniskirt with a slit all the way up learn … a lot. one of these bonus answers. 4-6 focussing on the phrase “… at the to bottle emotions up until they make the thigh and a plunging neckline, you For those paying attention, the an- Time: 7pm - 11pm In the end, the ladies ran out com- beginning God made them male and sense or subside and can easily divorce might just be there for a chat, but he’s swers were there and by the time the Place: dB’s, Beit fortable 80 – 72 winners. A win that female…” work-life from home-life while women hearing something different”. boy (toolkit) and girl (scented candle) Price: £2/£3 (With flier/Without flier) would have been a lot more emphatic His main point here was that as men are global creatures who can superhu- “Be aware of this, and try to only raffles had been drawn, most left hav- without the aforementioned points- and women, we are obviously different manly deal with many things at a time, send a message you want to. A lot of ing enjoyed themselves and possibly robbing technical glitches. and not only that but also God created bring emotions into the marketplace hurt will be avoided that way.” even having learnt something. 30 felix Friday 27 February 2009 Friday 27 February 2009 felix 31 [email protected] Fun & Games A Quickie (Crossword) 1,426 FUCWIT 1 1 2 2 3 3 4 4 5 5 6 6 7 Coffee Break ACROSS 7 One who directs physical movements (13) 7 League Table [email protected] 8 Winter precipitation (8) 9 With a sweet glaze (4) 8 9 Teams: 10 Age of Batman (7) 12 Moneylending for interest (5) MÖchten sie mein Manschaft? 252 Points 8 9 14 Physical exercise (5) 16 Institution of learning (7) Team Shotgun 236 Points 10 11 Do you make Battle of the Smiths just in case you don’t get it, this is a joke! 19 Without feeling (4) Scii Comm 25 Points Sealed wall to hold back water (8) 10 11 12 20 up words too? 22 Showing no interest (13) Team Rubbish 17 Points 12 13 13 15 DOWN 1 Ruler of the Mongols (4) Individuals: 14 15 16 17 Ravi Pall 2 Skim through (6) Giramundo 68 Points Coffee Break Editor 3 Payment for the sale of intellectual rights 17 18 18 19 20 21 (7) Hringur Gretarsson 38 Points 4 Plankton (5) 19 20 21 his week I feel like com- is that this word does not actually ex- 5 Study of light (6) Jonathan Phillips 18 Points plete waste. Seriously, ist. Both of my friends here asked me 6 Message sent by wire (8) 22 23 Enoch 15 Points after a hectic party week- what it meant, I had no clue whatso- 11 Adoption of a cause (8) end, the recovery process ever. Man I looked like an idiot. When 13 Adulation (7) 22 is a very long experience. I explained the reason why I used this 15 Criticism (6) The Felix University/College-Wide Invitational Tournament League Mark Mearing is new and improved. There are now prizes for both the winning The problem is I can’t seem to fall word, and after much deliberation, it Agent Will 17 Tuberous plant native to Mexico (6) 24 25 team and the winning individual. Tasleep until 6 o’clock in the morning. was apparent to my peers that this was Known from: Known from: Known from: 18 Dwelling-place (5) With lectures at 9, it is most definitely most definitely not a word in the Ox- 21 At a distance (4) Basically, you get points for doing all the various puzzles and chal- a hard push to get things done. This ford English dictionary. The Matrix Multiple Guilds President Solution 1,425 lenges, and at the end of the year, the winning team and the win- reminds me a lot like what happened This brought me to think that I A N C I E N T I T R A P S ning individual will win an iPod nano! The scoring is as follows: during New Years, when I spent 3 days must actually make up a lot of words. Last week’s winners were Most kick ass scene: Most kick ass scene: Most kick ass scene: D N Y U C O O D O N I T O Möchten Scribble box 5 points for the first correct answers for Slitherlink, Wordoku, Lon- in a row awake. The difference here It’s true, if I don’t have an appropriate L A C Q U E R D A P R I L sie mein Manschaft. Well done I am is that this time I just don’t have the word I’ll just make one up. Fight with Neo in subway station . Rolling out thundering punches in the Being tied up as the ICU RAG squad overjoyed for you. Please keep writ- don Underground, Mentalist Maze and Quickie. 4 points for second, I E L C A F P L S I L E V 3 points for third, 2 points for fourth and 1 point for fifth. holiday time to catch up on sleep. Well The problem with this is no one cor- ring as Ali. stole the mascots Spanner & Bolt. B L E E D T O U T L I N E ing in. Really I defiantly don’t hate you that is enough bitching, let me tell you rects me by saying that it isn’t a real Number of female fans: A N G O O L R U D D N A N with a passion. In fact I think I dislike Double points will be awarded for correct cryptic crossword an- about a funny story. word, so I carry on using them. My U P T U R N E D E C E N T you more than the Medics, but then Number of female fans: Number of female fans: swers, because it’s über hard. It happened this Wednesday to be question to you guys, the readers of fe- 3 (some people are weird) N R O A N D R V B L E E gain we won Varsity and they didn’t. precise. A friend and I were coming lix, is do you make up words too? apx 1 Milion 0 B R A V A D O T A D U L T Nuff said. Simple! Now then FUCWITs, send in your answers to felix@impe- back to the union, after the very enter- If you, like me, make up random Favourite weapon in a fight: O D C E H T G N C L L T E Special mention to Ben Hanson who rial.ac.uk or [email protected]. Go! taining rugby match during varsity. To words to fit the situation, email us at Favourite weapon in a fight: Favourite weapon in a fight: W A T C H O G L U T T O N was only five seconds late in getting his say we’ve had a couple of drinks is an [email protected]. In other Desert Eagle E Y O A R C E L D G R S E answer to us. I shall send you two tick- understatement. A severe one. news, an apology from Kadhim Shub- Fists of fury Free biro from Barclays D A R E D O D I E C A S T ets to the Ohhhh Noooo show. So, we were walking along Prince ber, who totally messed up the coffee Factoid: Consort Road and were stopped in break page last week, by dropping the Factoid: Factoid: front of the archway at Beit to talk to lines of the bottom of the text boxes. “IS 5416” on the license plate of Smith’s another friend. Conversation com- EPIC FAIL comes to mind. Seriously car refers to Isaiah 54:16 in the Old Will Smith donated $4,600 to the pres- Mark is an avid member of the extreme mences, and in order to look “cool” I what a mug. If your going to help me Testament: idential campaign of Democrat Barack ironing association of Britain. Current- say a complicated word. out on the twitter competition, do me “Behold, I have created the smith that Obama. ly ranked 4th in the UK, and 47th in the Now I won’t repeat this word, and a favour and post how much you hate bloweth the coals in the fire, and that world, Mark has been ironing in top Ho-ro-roscopes. Sometimes you should visit us, we’re really friendly you will most likely never find out, him. He deserves it. bringeth forth an instrument for his Barack Obama later went on the win ultra extreme locations such as Nia- however let me assure you it sounded work; and I have created the waster to the presidential election, in case you gara falls, on top of Taipei 101 and the This week felix got bored mlk;’||||||||||||||;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;; very sophisticated. The mistake here www.twitter.com/D00SKI destroy.” were wondering. channel tunnel. Aquarius Taurus Leo Scorpio

This week you lose at This week you get a This week you meet This week you get a varsity. Man you’re a twitter account, and a cute American girl piece of course work loser. I can’t believe begin a competition who looks kind of back and, as ever, check you think you can with another felix like Laura Mar- what the marker has kick a rugby ball. editor. In the process ling. “Perfect!” you to say. You are shocked You’re only a hooker, of being obsessed think and all is well. and appalled when you Top Trumps leave it to someone who can kick balls. Like with this internet fad, you become the ultimate Unfortunately later in the night you find her find this garbage written at the bottom of the page: your ex girlfriend, who will break up with you Imperial College geek, for just a moment. You in the casted arms of a fellow felix editor. You “Proof read your text before handle it in!” and for being such a loser. Man sometimes life feel so filthily that you decide to viciously stab consider fighting to the death for her vagina “Good content but poor written.” Seriously what tough, too bad it’s as good as it gets for you. your eyes out with a nearby USB stick. Your but realise you’d probably get pwned... Have the fuck! What gives them the right to criticise May as well get fat by eating loads of chocolate. tears of blood gain you no sympathy. you seen this guy when he’s angry??!?! kthxbai! your spelling and grammar when they clearly Cut them out! can’t do it themselves. Don’t believe me, check out the next page where there is a picture of the said Pisces Gemini Virgo document.

This week you You watch some of Your mum tells Highest score play for the medics your fresher pull you that you dad is Sagittarius first team against another fresher away actually your uncle wins Imperial college. from his computer and that the milk- Last week you left You shirt number while playing world man is your brother. your fellow editor is 14. You reveal to of warcraft. The You think you are to do the whole VS you fellow students that you are a cheating sight isn’t pretty, with screams of death threats dreaming but as you pinch yourself you realise section on his own. scum bag, and the only reason the referee echoing in the quad. The +170 xp in rage will that tour weeni-peeni is stuck in your sister. Unfortunately for him didn’t send you off is because the two of you defeat your level 4 dick head friend, and all will Man your life is fucked up. And your name is he has a broken thumb share the same secret. A high class South Ken be restored in the kingdom. WOW forever!!! definitely not Charles. and watching him trying to type was so funny Collect them all! twitter.com/D00SKI twitter.com/kadhimshubber hooker. Wait it’s no longer a secret. that you let him do it again this week. Aries Cancer Libra Capricorn There’s a competition down here in the felix office. Editor Kadhim Shubber and I have just started using twitter. Join in and add us as This week, Imperial Your cuntflap of a This week you go You finally realise that friends. By the end of the term, the person with the least number of college number 10 friend tries to make home to visit your the horoscopes section followers will have to drink a pint through a shoe, in front of everyone shows that he the a cleaver pun on the family. You arrive at is a little to in-jokey. Watch this who wants to see. So start adding us now, for fun and entertaining hands and vision acronym WOW by your door, ring the No one cares about status updates I’m going to go straight off the bat, and give myself an of god. Too add pronouncing it woe. door bell as your your stupid twitter space for advantage. I will give away a 120gb external HDD to one of my fol- you can never be You argue with him, keys aren’t working, accounts, stop wasting lowers. Now add me. so good. Maybe it’s because you’re blind, and and eventually burn his facial features off, until only to be greeted by complete strangers. Oh this space which could be filled with valuable have no hands, or maybe it’s because you’re a he become a gruesome replica of ghost rider. no, your family moved without telling you. stuff. Fuck it, I don’t care anymore, I’m deleting additional cards Also se the imperial college union twitter at twitter.com/icunion waste of space who watches a blank TV all day. Too bad he doesn’t have a motorcycle, but a Poor thing, you family hate you. Luckily it’s not your last three entries and replacing it with this Who knows, either way, why don’t you fuck shitty one speed push bike. Man he’s a cunt, just our family, but the rest of the world as well. tripe. But don’t worry, hopefully next week we’ll off. Nothing good for you this week. why the fuck is he still sitting here with me. Nothing left to do but crystal meth. be back on form. Pint? 32 felix Friday 27 February 2009 Friday 27 February 2009 felix 33 Fun & Games [email protected] [email protected] Sport

Slitherlink 1,426 This week’s texts: nedic van

Oh RSM, is wonderful... y Jo 1,425 Solution

Continued from back page o b 2 into points. As the game went on the ing control, Tim Chalke decided to t 3 3 1 3 3 3 2 3 “Gilbert is a cock juggling thunder- Royal Miners decided that it would be have a spirited run at their winger to 2 1 1 ph o 2 2 cunt. He needs to step back and From the off it was apparent that extremely unfair to hold onto the ball show how much of a man he was. He 3 3 3 3 1 2 1 1 literally fuck his own face.” Camborne were going to be extremely all the time and saw fit to give away subsequently proved his manliness by 2 1 2 3 1 1 3 dominant in the pack, with a no8 who multiple penalties to Camborne, which having his cheekbone fracture in mul- 2 2 2 2 3 “Emma wants a peice of Flan.” was definitely over 35 and balding (due resulted in them going deep in to tiple places as he was brought down 2 3 3 2 3 2 3 2 to his age, not because he was fucking RSM’s territory and finally culminated but this did not stop him from making 1 1 0 2 1 1 3 “To joe esland and natalie kernan, his mum as someone yelled over the in an unimaginative converted penalty it to the union later in the evening! Half 3 2 3 2 you’re both cocknoses, much love, megaphone). Whilst their team had taking the Mohawk wearing (seriously, time arrived quickly after a dirty CSM 1 2 2 2 2 3 2 onkar.” regularly played against other mal- Mohawks were never in fashion. Why player was yellow carded for danger- 3 2 3 1 2 3 formed Cornish teams who had taken bring them back for a match that you ous play. Stern words were had during 3 1 3 2 3 “Sajid you moron! Just admit you too many steroids in their spare time are unlikely to win?) Camborne miners the team talk about playing to our po- let the bloody mouse in the fridge!!” at school. As a result Camborne were into the lead 3-0. tential. Bobby Goulding was particu- Well done to Möchten sie mein causing havoc in the scrums and were Even after CSM took the first points larly irate at the lack of action he had 3 2 1 2 1 1 Manschaft who are now barred from “Paul 2nd year physics: nicotine is generally being disruptive enough to of the match the Royal Miners were in the match and was clearly baying for entering any more competitions, a nerve agent used to kill insects. stop the RSM back line from making still in neutral mode, not really play- the blood of a Camborne miner. First because like the Medics, they didn’t 07726 799 424 Think.” any real gains, however this did not ing their game plan and just putting blood against CSM was to be drawn 2 2 2 2 3 win their varsity. stop the Adam Foley and Alex John- in some brutal tackles to make sure pretty soon… “Lube... For that extra slip” stone from capitalising from any of no more points were scored. With the It was almost as if a new invigorated 2 2 1 2 1 How to play: their mistakes but they were sadly not game still being played in the middle of RSM team stepped foot on the pitch 2 TEXT US! OR “To the Imperial College hooker able to convert any of these attempts the pitch and with no side really tak- in the second half, with every player It’s quite simple, all numbers are in a last night, never ever kick again, wanting victory and wanting to score cell and must be surrounded with a WE WON’T you are a forward and kicking is during the initial 8 minutes when CSM 0 3 2 3 corresponding number lines. Lines definitely not part of your game. had 14 players due to their scrum half cannot split and there can only be FEED THE CAT! Leave that to the pretty boy’s in the being sin binned at the end of the 1st Centre Adam Foley breaking a tackle against Cambourne 3 2 2 2 2 one continuous line. Any cells with no backs.” half. The forwards were finally secur- numbers can have any number of lines. ing ball and recycling it, providing a Look at the solution above for help. platform for the backs to work from, CSM defence again with Adam Foley defence, Camborne capitalised on a 5 which Lluis Guasch and Adam Fo- finding a sweet and sexy gap that he person blindside overlap by making a ley well and truly used with some well thought he should slip into. This once rapid break and scored a dubious try timed switches and interplay causing again started another round of mega- in the corner even though the majority the Camborne backline to breakdown phone chants from the Royal Miner’s of supporters saw the winger drop the and exposing a huge overlap on the crowd and a brief pitch invasion. ball as he went over the try line. blindside. At an instant the entire team Time was running out for Cambo- After this brief example of skill, it Wordoku 1,426 Going Underground had realised this and the ball was rap- rne; their lack of physical fitness was seemed that CSM had nothing left to idly passed through the hands to Max really starting to show and they were show and were back in their half fend- Scribble box Well done to all those homos (apiens) Each letter in the alphabet is assigned a Joachim who smashed over the line in looking exhausted, unimaginative and ing off the continuous RSM onslaught, M E A who had such an enjoyable week they value, 1-26 (see table) and when added the corner for the first try of the match clearly dejected after watching some which was sadly ended by the referees wrote to us in felix with HATTON together for a specific word the sum to the delight of the RSM crowd and professional champagne rugby from whistle to finish the game. Upon the fi- E S A CROSS. Saddest of all was Möchten equals the total shown. All you have to was then majestically converted by RSM. Their players started going down nal whistle the Royal School of Mines sie mein Manschaft who nailed a win. do is scan and send the Underground Alex Johnstone. like flies, all with cries of the RSM team crowd burst into pure pandemonium, A C P I You guys are soon going to incur my station that is hidden each week to su- RSM continued their domination were being overly aggressive (clearly invading the pitch and celebrating with Möchten sie mein Manschaft wrath and we all know that’s not good. [email protected] photo by Jovan nedic over Camborne by staying well and they had never played in a Bottle Match every player that had put their body on 1,424 Solution won again. Probably because the firmly camped in their half and it wasn’t before). However to their credit after the line to defend the glorious bottle P E D S promise of GAYBUMSEX got A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z The winning team celebrating with The Bottle after the match long until the backs broke through the a complete lapse in the Royal Miner’s for another year! A M X U B Y E G S them so excited. There is no gay 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26 D I E Y G S M A U X B bum sex on offer. Nor will there B S U G X E M A Y ever be. Please stop writing in to B A N K C I R M S B A X Y U G M E us. I don’t like you. 2+1+14+11=28. Job done. 2 1 14 11 = 28 Y G M E A B X S U ICSM women dominate UH Head A C R E X U E M S G Y B A Wordoku is identical to Sudoku; we’ve just replaced numbers Football men’s U E S A G X B Y M So which London tube station sums to 140? Ola Markiewicz M X B Y E S A U G with letters. Complete the puzzle was a good race. the Novice Boys were determined to I A S and then send the whole grid to Perhaps the biggest pressure, how- claim back the gold medal they won G A Y B U M S E X [email protected]. A few weeks ago ICSM Boat Club add- ever, was felt by the Novice Girls, who at the UH Novice Sprints, where they R S C You will not get credit for just the = 140 firsts gain revenge ed three gold medals to their collection had yet to experience how it feels to took the rest of the UH clubs by storm. word alone. It’s not an anagram. at the UH Winter Sprints in January, lose a race. Having only started rowing Both Novice Boys crews flew strongly and then, on the beautiful afternoon of in October, and already two UH med- under Kew Road Bridge, much to the over Roehampton Saturday 21st February, once again the als under their belts after their amazing pleasure of their Captain, Vin Nade- club did not fail to impress as the ladies performance at the Novice Sprints in saligam, who cheered from the bridge, won every women’s division, bringing November and the UH Winter Sprints, along with the rest of the ICSM sup- home a total of three victories. this race would be unlike any other port, which consisted not only of boat in BUCS Following a bitter sweet result at the they’d ever done. After weeks of train- club members but also other friends, Mentalist Maze... Seriously... WTF?!? corner!!1! UH Sprints, where the women’s 1st ing and a level of commitment to rival parents, brothers, sisters, making us touched the ball past the Roehampton VIII sprinted their way into the final the seniors’, the race plan discussed at by far the best supported club on the Football Well you appear to like the maze well done to Shotgun who were the full back, reached the by-line and cut but sadly narrowly lost to RUMS BC, the carbo-loading session the night be- bridge! so much we have decided to make winners this week, reflecting IC’s win back for Dion Benincasa to slot home the women turned up to the UL Boat- fore, over limitless bowls of pasta, was The results were announced at the Imperial Men’s 1st 3 it a regular feature. This is the best in Varsity. In case you didn’t know, we calmly from 6 yards. The half finished house in Chiswick with the single aim put into practice. Having overtaken the annual UH Dinner, once again held thing since the bread knife! Anyhoo, won our varsity. Roehampton Men’s 1sts 2 with Imperial 2-0 up, but Roes in the of regaining headship. The race was a crew they started behind within the at Tiger Tiger. A good evening turned ascendency. The best chance com- gruelling experience our cox screaming first two minutes, they raced their way into a great one as it was announced ing from a free kick, that emphatically motivational words of encouragement, to UL, spurred on by the thought of that the women of ICSM had won the Michael Donovan struck the cross bar only for the Impe- reminding us to breathe in a futile at- more “shiny, shiny medals”, and came Novice, Intermediate and Senior cate- rial keeper to snatch the rebound. tempt to ease the pain as we sprinted off the water looking exhausted but gory, entirely dominating the women’s The previous fixture in BUCS 3A be- The second half continued in a simi- our way from Richmond to the finish satisfied. races. Looks of surprise, exhilaration tween these two resulted in a 3-1 win lar vein to the first, with Roes pressing, at the UL Boathouse. Despite pulling The men’s division followed later in and disbelief spread across everyone’s for Roehampton and with the sides but Imperial comfortable in defence. away from GKT, nearly overtaking St. the afternoon, where all crews were faces – rowers, coxes and coaches ut- placed lowly in the league, a win was However, calamitous defending on George’s and knowing that none of us faced with stiff competition from the terly overjoyed at all their efforts final- imperative for both. a massive scale was to blame as Roes could have given any more, how we did high number of entries, and invita- ly paying off in what felt like one of the The game took on a similar charac- were gifted a route back into the game in relation to RUMS was far too close tional crews in all categories including proudest moments the ICSM Women’s teristic to the previous encounter, with with half an hour left. to call. UCL and LSE. The Men’s 1st VIII, who Squad had ever had the privilege of both sides testing each other on the Imperial failed to clear on numerous The women’s 2nd VIII, having won started at the head position, were des- experiencing. It got even better as the break, but Imperial started the bright- occasions and the centre midfielder medals at the UH Winter Sprints, were perate to keep up the momentum after men did us proud, coming second in er of the two and the reward came after took his chance to drive the ball home also down with a point to prove, though their excellent win at the UH Winter the Intermediate and Novice catego- the fifteen minute mark as they took from the edge of the box. 2-1 became they too knew it would not be without Sprints, and looked strong and deter- ries despite fierce competition from control of a set piece. Cameron Smith 3-1 with a strike, from Imperial mid- a fight. Injuries, academic commit- mined as they rowed under Kew Road the numerous other clubs entered. delivered the ball and captain Michael fielder Cameron Smith, which the ments and countless last minute prob- bridge, encouraged by chants from the The real partying had only just begun Donovan headed home convincingly keeper will be disappointed with. lems plagued the 2nd VIII, meaning ICSM supporters. The Men’s 2nd VIII as everyone drank and danced into the to put the home side up. Drama arrived late on with an error that once again they had to rely on a were also an example of force as they night, forgetting for a while that de- Roehampton responded immediate- from the Imperial keeper that gifted a novice rower to complete their crew, intimidated the surrounding crews. spite our victories, we will inevitably be ly with glimpses of good football, but it goal to Roehampton but the game pe- which was put together at the last After their performance at the UH back in our boats, training hard to stay was evident they weren’t in full stride tered out leaving Imperial looking up, minute. The race was a challenge for Sprints, where despite having been ahead of the UH clubs, sooner than as Imperial punished slack defend- and Roes rooted to the bottom of the all, but nine smiling, albeit tired, faces placed best UH crew, they lost to UCL you can say “THREE MORE GOLD Yes, this was a real piece of course work from Imperial College mechanical engineering department... clap clap ing down the left channel. Will Swain league. told us that whatever the final result, it Novices after a tough fight in the final, MEDALS!” 34 felix Friday 27 February 2009 Friday 27 February 2009 felix 35 Sport [email protected] [email protected] Sport

Football Football Football IC Football 2nds Imperial Men’s 2nds 4 Imperial Men’s 2nds 2 Imperial Men’s 2nds 1 Netball ladies narrowly Sports league Hertfordshire Men’s 3rds 3 LSE Men’s 2nds 1 UCL Men’s 2nds 1 on a hot streak edge out LSE Team P W D L F A Diff % FI 1 Tennis Men's 1st 10 10 0 0 88 12 76 100 5.00 Damian Phelan booking for a lunging challenge on 2 Volleyball Women's 1st 8 8 0 0 17 1 16 100 5.00 Netball Max. This, coupled with the introduc- 3 Squash Men's 1st 12 11 0 1 51 9 42 92 4.25 ICUAFC 2nd XI rolled into this week’s tion of the fastest man alive in Sim, 4 Fencing Women's 1st 10 9 0 1 1317 1067250 90 4.10 Imperial 1st 17 varsity clash on a hot streak. After gave Imperial the impetus they needed 5 Hockey Men's 1st 10 9 0 1 57 13 44 90 4.10 struggling for form before Christmas, to press on. The equalising goal came LSE 1st 16 6 Fencing Men's 1st 9 8 0 1 1187 753 434 89 4.00 the 2s have put in a series of impressive scrappily after a sustained bout of pres- 7 ICSM Badminton Men's 1st 6 5 0 1 28 20 8 83 3.50 displays in both the ULU and BUCS sure when the ball was lumped hope- 8 Lacrosse Women's 1st 11 9 0 2 162 43 119 82 3.36 competitions to stave off relegation in fully into the box landing at the feet Colette Gregory 9 ICSM Netball 3rd 9 7 0 2 323 174 149 78 3.00 the former and push for promotion in of Matty Smith who looped it cleverly 10 Badminton Men's 1st 12 8 2 2 61 35 26 67 3.00 the latter competition. An unfortunate over the keeper’s head. With 10 min- IC Netball 1st girls have won again and 11 Table Tennis Men's 1st 13 10 0 3 145 73 72 77 2.92 injury to Captain and Bola-Bola fa- utes to go Mamzi was introduced on this time it was a league game – huz- 12 Squash Men's 2nd 8 6 0 2 25 13 12 75 2.75 vourite Mitchell Fern has allowed him the wing to provide the guile necessary zah!! We didn’t make it easy for our- 13 ICSM Netball 2nd 8 6 0 2 250 144 106 75 2.75 to mastermind two victories and a hard to carve open the Hertfordshire back selves though… Down for the entire 14 Netball 2nd 11 8 0 3 364 201 163 73 2.55 fought draw from the sidelines. Despite 4 but unfortunately Sim was unable game, after the third quarter Colette 15 Hockey Men's 3rd 10 4 4 2 19 25 -6 40 2.00 an ever changing line-up composed of to finish after his clever through ball. promised the girls a match report 16 Hockey Women's 1st 12 7 1 4 41 28 13 58 1.75 more than 20 players over the previous However with five minutes remain- (with special bonus details on twat of 17 Basketball Women's 1st 8 5 0 3 387 345 42 63 1.63 three fixtures, Mitch’s tactical nous ing Ron, who had battled terrifically the match Rachel Dilley, hehe) if they 18 ICSM Hockey Women's 1st 11 6 1 4 47 26 21 55 1.45 proved too much for the opposition. throughout in midfield, provided an- pulled their socks up and won it. So Netball may be a non-contact sport, but taking balls to the face happens 19 Hockey Men's 2nd 10 6 0 4 37 30 7 60 1.40 The 2s first fixture post-snow saw other scintillating ball which sent Sim here it is. 20 Squash Men's 3rd 7 4 0 3 14 9 5 57 1.14 them face a brutish Hertfordshire side through 1-on-1 to finish exquisitely The night before the game the girls 21 Basketball Men's 1st 7 4 0 3 496 474 22 57 1.14 who came to Harlington expecting a and win the match. Imperial footballer showing concentration from the pressuring opposition player were struggling, due to numerous WA, eventual player of the match, was had become so intense everyone was 22 Badminton Women's 1st 12 6 1 5 57 39 18 50 1.00 stroll but were shocked early on when The 2nds looked to continue their members of the squad being injured, working too hard and having to get on concentrating too hard on their play to 23 ICSM Hockey Women's 2nd 8 3 2 3 23 23 0 38 0.88 a beautifully curled through ball from good form 3 days later when they met to get a team together at all. Luck- the end of every ball. At half time it was think about anything else. Sam turned 24 Hockey Men's 4th 7 3 1 3 15 23 -8 43 0.71 Matty Smith put Damian in behind the LSE 2s in a relegation scrap. With only ed Imperial who pushed for a second, inspired a final flurry at the other end Imperial pressed for more with neat ily PhD student Alex Godlee gallantly 6-5 to LSE and Imperial were bringing to dumbfounded Colette and said “We 25 Tennis Men's 2nd 9 4 1 4 35 46 -11 44 0.67 defence and he caught the keeper cold 11 players travelling to Berrylands it coming closest when Grego lifted a ball with Damian picking the ball up deep interplay between Viktor, Damian and stepped in at the last minute (1130pm, it back. We just needed to slow it down just won…” as if half trying to convince 26 ICSM Football Men's 1st 9 4 1 4 15 20 -5 44 0.67 with a first time hit from an acute an- was going to be a tough ask but the 2s through for Jeremy, only for his shot to before turning his man and delivering Grego creating opportunities which I was having a minor heart attack) and and play our game as we wanted to. herself. Nobody dared react though 27 Football Men's 1st 9 4 1 4 19 20 -1 44 0.67 gle which flashed in at the far post. The answered the call. The game started at a crack the outside of the post. Half time a pinpoint pass to Sim in the LSE area. didn’t quite find the target. However it the girls headed off to the surprisingly Biased umpiring led to WD Alex con- as they didn’t want to pre-empt the 28 Fencing Men's 2nd 6 3 0 3 722 690 32 50 0.50 2s rampaging opening 20 minutes was frenetic pace with both teams creating came with this epic tussle poised deli- Sim skillfully evaded the challenge was UCL who would strike next right smelly Berrylands via Wimbledon and stantly being pulled up for contact and win and look like prize numpties. The 29 Squash Women's 1st 12 2 6 4 20 32 -12 17 0.50 then further rewarded when Max rose several half-chances with Sim looking cately at 1-1. of one defender before being hacked on the stroke of half time, when an in- free curry. distance. GS Sam Westrop was getting umpires announced the score: IC 17 – 30 Badminton Men's 2nd 7 2 2 3 27 29 -2 29 0.29 highest, glasses on, to meet Grego’s especially dangerous up front, crack- The 2nd half was a back and forth down by a second, and hearing a swift swinging free-kick was met by a glanc- Perhaps it was the snacks weighing very frustrated as the umpires were LSE 16. Whoops of joy and girly little 31 Rugby Union Men's 2nd 13 6 0 7 231 286 -55 46 0.15 pinpoint corner and nod it in for a 2-0 ing the cross bar with a sumptuous affair with both teams enjoying spells whistle from the referee who pointed ing header which deceived James Skeen them down, perhaps the fact that they somehow managing to foresee the fu- jumps echoed down the court, mainly 32 Football Men's 2nd 8 3 1 4 19 27 -8 38 0.13 lead. At this point the home side pro- effort after breaking in behind from a of pressure but neither really creating to the penalty spot. His strike partner in the Imperial goal, this the only blot hadn’t had their traditional Powerade ture and repetitively blew up for an led by Carolyn. A group hug followed 33 Rugby Union Men's 3rd 11 5 0 6 197 207 -10 45 0.09 ceeded to fall asleep and an audacious long ball played by Paul Reynolds. any clear-cut openings. With the game Damian, stepped up to coolly side foot on an otherwise excellent performance boost (other sports energy drinks are LSE back line before the ball had even along with a nice team talk from our 34 ICSM Rugby Union Men's 2nd 11 5 0 6 175 161 14 45 0.09 cross-come-shot looped over Paul in However it was to be LSE who took creeping towards the final few minutes the ball into the bottom corner send- from the Club Captain saving several available) or maybe it was the fact that touched the ground off court. One per- captain Rachel who was “very proud” 35 Volleyball Men's 1st 9 4 0 5 10 10 0 44 0.00 the 2s goal to leave the score 2-1 at the lead when their striker used his LSE managed to scramble an opening ing the keeper the wrong way. Imperial times at point blank range. The 2nd they arrived at 6.15 when the game was son who did deserve to be pulled up for of our performance. Meanwhile the 36 Tennis Women's 1st 10 4 0 6 44 56 -12 40 -0.40 half-time. exceptional pace to speed away from with a penetrating cross from the left, withstood a final LSE barrage to claim half exhibited the growing potential supposed to start at 6pm so had to get contact though was GA Colette Grego- LSE GK clenched her fists and wailed 37 ICSM Rugby Union Men's 3rd 10 4 0 6 120 246 -126 40 -0.40 Despite a rousing team-talk from the Imperial defence and finish with the ball falling to their centre forward a hard-fought victory. in the IC 2s team, with a resolute per- straight on with no warm-up but IC ry who was utilising her new found ag- “Nooooo!!” Slightly o.t.t. in this net- 38 Football Women's 1st 7 2 0 5 10 25 -15 29 -1.43 Mitch, Hertfordshire continued to aplomb. The lead was to be short-lived only for Fitz to throw himself in front Imperial 2s then faced a testing trip formance at the back from Fitz, Mark, 1s were half asleep in the first quarter. gression. This was much to the delight baller’s opinion but then again they 39 Hockey Women's 2nd 10 2 1 7 10 44 -34 20 -1.60 pound away at the Imperial backline though, a foul on the half way line of his strike, taking one for the team to Cobham to face a UCL 2s team Jon Card and Jonny Hill restricting LSE clearly weren’t fully on it either of Kate who enjoys watching a good had just been beaten by a team that 40 ICSM Rugby Union Men's 1st 14 3 1 10 243 401 -158 21 -1.64 and a quickfire double, with a tap in would usually spell little danger but and preventing it from crossing the sweeping all before them in BUCs. UCL’s potent attack, allied with some though, except for their uber lively scuffle from a safe distance down at the has lost to everyone else this season 41 Football Men's 3rd 8 2 0 6 14 26 -12 25 -1.75 from a neat free-kick and another not with a certain roving midfielder line. This was followed by a mesmer- Once again though, with a changed neat attacking play just failing to yield centre, and didn’t take full advantage other end of the court. including several teams that they had 42 ICSM Netball 1st 13 2 1 10 314 497 -183 15 -2.15 lobbed goal, allowed the away team to prowling on the edge of the area. Jon- ising challenge from Jon Card to take line-up, IC 2s pulled of an impressive a winning goal. Notable mention must so at quarter time they were only 5-3 At one point in the final quarter IC already beaten by a significant margin 43 ICSM Hockey Men's 2nd 10 2 0 8 15 18 -3 20 -2.20 take the lead for the first time in the ny Hill swung in a dangerous ball and the rebound off the foot of another result. In a tight opening few minutes, go to Viktor for a couple of audacious up. The low goal count was due to hav- fell 4 goals behind as LSE led 15-11 – gutted!! 44 ICSM Football Men's 2nd 5 1 0 4 7 16 -9 20 -2.20 game. The 2s needed something to lift Romain lifted himself, like the prover- LSE player and scoop it over the cross- the away side took an early lead when a bicycle kick through balls which bam- ing to play short quarters to make up but if it’s one lesson we’ve learnt this After our win we were in a boisterous 45 Rugby Union Men's 1st 14 2 1 11 120 416 -296 14 -2.29 the spirits and the Hertfordshire cen- bial salmon, through the air to plant a bar from no more than 2 yards out. Grego corner struck a UCL leg divert- boozled the UCL defence as well as the for our lateness. season it’s to keep our heads up! De- mood and ladette conversion swayed 46 ICSM Hockey Women's 3rd 6 1 0 5 7 32 -25 17 -2.50 tre forward obliged receiving a second header into the top corner. This boost- These two season saving interventions ing it past the keeper into the corner. IC attack. IC knew they weren’t playing half as termined to go into Varsity on a high onto discussing the finer points of 47 Lacrosse Men's 1st 8 1 0 7 40 114 -74 13 -2.88 well as they could and team captain the girls dug deep and banged in shot the merkin (that’s a lady garden wig 48 Netball 3rd 8 1 0 7 86 284 -198 13 -2.88 Rachel told us so. Play in the defen- after shot. Carolyn and Nina provided for those who aren’t familiar with the 49 ICSM Hockey Men's 1st 9 1 0 8 15 32 -17 11 -3.00 sive D was solid as ever thanks to the great support working it round the at- term) whilst in the changing rooms 50 Rugby Union Men's 4th 10 1 0 9 95 421 -326 10 -3.10 in association with Sports Partnership well-rehearsed duo of GK Kate Chap- tacking circle to give Colette and Sam and on the journey home. Our team 51 ICSM Badminton Women's 1st 11 0 1 10 11 78 -67 0 -3.45 Fixtures & Results man and GD Rachel Dilley. Defence some closer attempts at goal. captain and twat of the match seemed 52 Rugby Union Women's 1st 2 0 0 2 15 109 -94 0 -4.00 were working hard and making great At the final whistle the court went si- oddly informed in the department of 53 Table Tennis Women's 1st 4 0 0 4 3 12 -9 0 -4.00 Saturday 21st February Squash Lacrosse Sunday 1st March Fencing interceptions but needed to bring it lent. No one on either side seemed ful- rasta fashioned muff toupés… I’ll leave 54 ICSM Hockey Men's 3rd 5 0 0 5 0 15 -15 0 -4.00 Football ULU Cup BUCS Cup Badminton Men’s 2nd - Royal Holloway 1st down the court further. Nina Davies at ly certain what the score was; the game it at that shall I Rachel? ;) 55 Netball 1st 8 0 0 8 162 306 -144 0 -4.00 Men’s 1s ULU 1 Women’s 1s ULU 5 Women’s 1st 9 Mixed 1s ULU vs UCL Mixed 1s ULU Royal Holloway 2s ULU 0 RUMS 1s ULU 0 University of Exeter Women’s 2nd 12 (A.E.T) Football Football Men’s 1st - University of Chichester 2nd Men’s 2s ULU 0 Water Polo Squash Men’s 2nd vs UCL Men’s 2nd Men’s 2nd - RUMS 1st Crossword No. 1,426 Answers to: [email protected] Queen Mary 1s ULU 4 Mixed 1s ULU 6 BUCS Cup Men’s 3rd - Kingston University 5th UCL Mixed 1s ULU 8 Men’s 1st 2 Hockey Women’s 1st - Middlesex University 1st 1 2 3 3 4 5 6 7 8 Men’s 3s ULU 0 University of Birmingham 1st 3 ULU Men’s 4s ULU - LSE 4s ULU Across 26 Old French artist turned around 19 Fall into strange incident in the UCL 3s ULU 11 Wednesday 25th February Men’s 1st vs Kings Medicals Men’s 1st 9 without finishing. (4) outskirts of Dortmund. (7) Badminton Women’s 1st 0 ULU Cup Hockey 1 Oddly, Moe seeks those who will 20 Jeff’s heart battled, we hear, in ULU Cup BUCS Cup LSE Women’s 1st 4 Men’s 2s vs King’s Medicals Men’s 2nd - University of Kent 3rd 10 10 11 inherit the earth. (4) Down struggle. (6) Men’s 4s 1 Men’s 1st 4 Women’s 1st vs Kings Medicals Women’s 1st Men’s 3rd - University of Surrey 2nd 3 Self-satisfied politician (Labour) is in 22 Southern peak by mountain top King’s College 2s 2 University of Bath 2s 4 Table Tennis Women’s 1st - Kingston University 1st a vegetative state with little money. 1 An amazing occurrence: vehicle seen in bad weather. (5) (Bath win on a countback) BUCS Cup Lacrosse Men’s 1s ULU - St George’s Medical School 1s ULU (10) reversed in a long distance. (7) Men’s 5s 1 Men’s 1st 12 ULU Cup 12 10 Ponder right to vote, with French 2 Outpouring of English hesitation Well done to Mochten Sie Mein Man- King’s College 4s 1 Fencing Cardiff University 1st 5 Mixed 1s ULU vs Kings Mixed 1s ULU Netball leader installed. (7) about very loud toilet heard before schaft for winning last week’s cross- (King’s College win 4-2 on penalties) BUCS Cup Women’s 1st - King’s Medicals 1st 14 11 Father puts first of kids in an enclo- six. (9) word. I hope you enjoy this weeks. Men’s 1st 118 Volleyball Rugby Women’s 2nd - Queen Mary 2nd sure or parcel. (7) 4 Sulk, losing head, and sob, making Sunday 22nd February Northumbria University 1st 129 BUCS Cup Women’s 1st vs LSE Women’s 1st Women’s 3rd - St George’s Medical School 3rd 13 14 12 Nobleman and queen quarrel about hullaballoo. (6) Sam Wong Lacrosse Men’s 1st 3 Gutteridge (ULU) Cup military leader; book offers riposte. 5 Minor damage inflicted by incisive Mixed 1s ULU 7 Women’s 1st 129 Oxford Brookes University 1st 0 Men’s 1st vs King’s College Men’s 1st Rugby 15 16 19 (15) report? (5,3) UCL Mixed 1s ULU 5 University of Cambridge 1st 125 ULU Cup Men’s 2nd - LSE 1st 13 Nine fall into anger spun by potion. 6 One version of events: competence Solution to crossword 1425 Women’s 2nd 0 Men’s 2nd vs Imperial College Men’s 3rd Men’s 3rd - University of Chichester 2nd (6) is what is lacked by those who do 17 18 19 T A O I S M I S T R A D D L E King’s College 1st 3 Men’s 4th - University of Hertfordshire 2nd Monday 23rd February Football 14 Easy to recite from assignment – not take responsibility. (14) H E M E I G A T H T R O Q U Men’s 3s ULU 0 Netball Monday 2nd March 22 20 last three parts of fable. (8) 7 Escape Hitler’s mistress, with Ger- O R I E N T M M I N O T A U R Women’s 1s ULU 17 King’s College 1s ULU 4 Saturday 28th February Netball Squash 17 Roman emperor has endlessly fre- man support. (5) R A S A K E R C A M O B I E LSE 1s ULU 16 Football Women’s 1s ULU - RUMS 1s ULU Men’s 2nd - King’s College 2nd 21 22 quent duties, but no tie. (8) 8 That heat really obscures part of O U S T S G E C K O L F L A K Hockey Men’s 1st ULU vs UCL Men’s 1st ULU Women’s 2s ULU - Uni of the Arts London 1s ULU 18 Sailor standing by route overseas. hospital. (7) U B I E C C C A S E B O E E A Women’s 2s ULU 21 Men’s 3rd 3 Men’s 2nd ULU vs LSE Men’s 3rd ULU Tennis 32 (6) 9 Violent ruction disrupted children’s G I V E A M O N K E Y S L U E Imperial Medicals 2s ULU 31 Royal Holloway 2nd 0 Men’s 3rd ULU vs Imperial Medicals 1st ULU Wednesday 4th March Men’s 1st - Imperial College 2nd 21 Recluse runs foes ragged with ability entertainer’s technique. (14) H H E O L E L I O R A I N A Men’s 4th ULU vs Queen Mary Men’s 3rd ULU N E R W E L L I N F O R M E D Badminton BUCS Cup 23 24 to deal with difficult situations. (15) 15 Loud, deep sound with poor abil- Women’s 3s ULU 42 Men’s 4th 2 Men’s 5th ULU vs LSE Men’s 5th ULU Men’s 2nd - University of Hertfordshire 2nd Men’s 2nd - London Metropolitan University 3rd 23 Revere one quantity of medicine ity to travel; it comes back to its H N S O B O E O N Y N S M I V LSE 7s ULU 2 University of Portsmouth 4th 1 Men’s 6th ULU vs Queen Mary Men’s 4th ULU I C O N P S C R E E T D O J O 34 containing lithium. (7) origin. (9) Men’s 7th ULU vs St Barts Men’s 3rd ULU Basketball Volleyball 24 Fury at power cut around fourth of 16 Is it the same as midday meal? One C N U H M N T D N M R D H C Women’s 1st 3 Men’s 1st - St George’s Medical School 1st Women’s 2nd - London School of Economics 1st February. (7) is confused. (8) C O R D E L I A P P E S E T A 25 26 U V C K A O H E F N I S C T Kings College Women’s 1st 0 Women’s 1st - St George’s Medical School 1st 25 What women have to iron: skirt, 17 Method of payment I put before E insanely small. (10) two females in city. (7) P R E G N A N T S A U N T I Send in your sport reports: [email protected] felix sport High resolution photos only photo by Jovan nedic Miners don’t lose their Bottle Royal School of Mines beat Cambourne School of Mines in the 109th Bottle Match

This year was no exception with broken Rugby bones, streakers, drunkenness and vic- tory once again to the Royal Miners! Royal School of Mines 14 Pressure had been mounting on Cambourne School of Mines 10 the rugby team all day with the other teams being on the wrong end of all other matches. This match was the Ben Moorhouse only thing stopping the mutant inbred Camborne miners from obtaining the The deciding and definitive part of the coveted whitewash. By the time both Bottle Match is always the rugby and teams had arrived on the pitch the has always been a notorious match crowds had amassed on both sidelines, known for its physicality, competitive- the banter was overflowing from the ness and banter given by the crowd… megaphones and the sun was shining which sadly leaves most people shell- onto an almost glistening pitch. It was shocked and vowing either never to the perfect start for the perfect match. come to another RSM event again or never to drop a touch of alcohol again. Continued on page 33

Varsity 2009 a success for Imperial Overall, Imperial win 13.5 to 7.5! Well done to all that took part. Look out for The Rival in the next few weeks for a full round-up of the big day! ith the sporting dents while Rugby 2nd and 3rd XV SCORE season nearly over were both victories for ICSM. The IC Sport IC ICSM Varsity 2009 has netballers did not do well at Ethos, but proven a suitable fi- their newly formed 4th team did man- Rugby 1st XV (JPR Williams Cup) 7 15 nale. With the final age to get a win. overall score swinging in the favour of Other sports including squash, bas- Rugby 2nd XV 8 11 Imperial, it was once again the medical ketball, lacrosse and waterpolo were Rugby 3rd XV 5 15 W Rugby (Women’s) 12 17 students who took the glory at Rich- dominated by Imperial College which mond in the evening. Lifting that JPR sealed the overall 6 point win over the Football 1st XI 4 0 Williams cup has been a long time in Imperial Medics. Football 2nd XI 2 0 waiting for Imperial College, and once It was definitely a successful day with Hockey Men’s 1st XI 6 2 again the IC supporters were left dis- the ICSM chicken prancing and the Hockey Men’s 2nd XI 6 0 appointed if not fairly entertained. IC streaker streaking! Blood was shed, Hockey Women’s 1st XI TBC TBC The full time score was all level as it tears were seen and the passion to Hockey Women’s 2nd XI 2 2 was last year, but extra time was too beat our opposite numbers was more Netball 1st 21 27 much for Imperial and the experienced prominent than ever. Netball 2nd 13 19 Medical side capitalised on the oppor- You will have to wait for a full round Netball 3rd 14 27 tunity to make up for their earlier 7-0 up however... The Rival mgazine is be- Netball 4th 11 5 deficit. It is a shame that this year both ing written as we speak with hundreds Lacrosse Mixed 7 3 teams have struggled in their Premier- of photos to sort and matches to ana- Basketball Men’s 80 68 ship campaigns, and the draw at full lyse there is lots to do! If you would like Basketball Women’s 50 22 time will stand for their BUCS result to help out in any way, get in touch. Squash Men’s 1st 5 0 leaving them both footing the bottom If not then get excited about your Squash Men’s 2nd 3 0 of the table. own souvenir from the showcase Water Polo Mixed 9 2 At Harlington, football and hockey sports day that is Varsity and bring on was dominated by the Imperial stu- Varsity 2010!