THE ROAD TALES FROM TOURING MUSICIANS TONY PATINO COVER ART BY JOSHUA ROTHROCK Copyright © 2012 Tony Patino No part of this publication may be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system, or transmitted, in any form or by any means, electronic, mechanical, photocopying, recording, or otherwise, without the written prior permission of the the author. ISBN-13: 978-1475132649 ISBN-10: 1475132646 second edition paperback June 2012 Editor: Tony Patino Cover art: Joshua Rothrock Cover and interior layout: Tony Patino www.tonypatinosworld.com www.40amp.com [email protected] CONTENTS FORWARD MOJO NIXON solo artist 1 JOHN STANIER helmet, battles 4 TEXAS TERRI texas terri bomb 6 CHRIS GATES the big boys, junkyard 7 BRANDON CRUZ dead kennedys, dr. know 10 WILLIAM WEBER gg allin, the candy snatchers 12 GERRY ATTRIC the bulemics 15 WES TEXAS the bulemics 16 ANIMAL the anti-nowhere league 18 TIM BARRY avail 19 NICKI SICKI verbal abuse 22 RICHIE LAWLER clairmel 24 DAVE DECKER clairmel 26 JOHN KASTNER asexuals, the doughboys 29 SCOTT MCCULLOUGH the doughboys 32 BLAG DAHLIA the dwarves 34 KARL MORRIS the exploited, billyclub 38 JIM COLEMAN cop shoot cop 41 STONEY TOMBS the hookers 42 MIKE WATT the minutemen 43 CHRIS BARROWS pink lincolns 44 TESCO VEE the meatmen 46 NATE WATERS infected 49 TIM LEITCH fear 52 IAN MACKAYE minor threat, fugazi 53 DONNY PAYCHECK zeke 55 GINGER COYOTE white trash debutantes 57 BEN DEILY the lemonheads 58 SAM WILLIAMS down by law 61 FARRELL HOLTZ decry 63 TONY OFFENDER the offenders 65 SAMMYTOWN fang 66 JAMES BROGAN samiam 68 DEREK O'BRIEN social distortion 73 DAVID GIFFEN alice donut 76 JOSEPH GENARO the dead milkmen 79 LIZ MCGRATH tongue, miss derringer 80 SAL CANZONIERI electric frankenstein 81 JON WURSTER superchunk 83 GREG HETSON circle jerks, bad religion 84 ZANDER SCHLOSS circle jerks, joe strummer 85 KEITH MORRIS black flag, circle jerks 87 BOBBY SLONE rock n roll terrorists, the loaded nuns 89 DON BOLLES the germs 90 MATTHEW MCCOY uk subs, billyclub 91 BRENT BELKE snfu 92 JOHN STABB government issue 94 COLIN ABRAHALL gbh 96 NICK RAZOR gfi 98 ED IVY rhythm pigs 99 KEITH BRAMMER die kreuzen 103 BRANT BJORK fu manchu, solo artist 106 BRUCE WINGATE adrenalin od 109 KIM SHATTUCK the muffs 111 MIKE MAGRANN ch3 114 BRIAN BRANNON jfa 117 CHRISTOPHER LONG dead lazlo's place 119 GIZZ LAZLO dead lazlo's place, uk subs 122 JEFF DAHL power trip, solo artist 124 ERIC DAVIDSON new bomb turks 126 WILLY JOHNS the candy snatchers 128 JOHNETTE NAPOLITANO concrete blonde 129 FELIX GRIFFIN dri 130 MAURO CODELUPPI raw power 132 BLAINE COOK the accused 134 JJ PEARSON toxic reasons 135 ROB LUCJAK toxic reasons 137 SICKIE WIFEBEATER the mentors 138 SEAN ROMIN schleprock, decry 140 JEFF CLAYTON antiseen 142 SCOTT REYNOLDS all 143 MIKE MCCARTER infected 146 RYAN YOUNG off with their heads 147 PETER BLACK the hard-ons 151 GREG NORTON hüsker dü 153 DAVE WOODARD billyclub 155 SCOTT LUALLIN nine pound hammer 158 BRIAN PULITO nine pound hammer 159 PENELOPE HOUSTON the avengers 161 DAVE BROCKIE gwar 163 MARK BURKE phantom rockers 165 VICTOR KRUMMENACHER camper van beethoven 166 RIKK AGNEW christian death, solo artist 168 FORWARD Anyone who listens to rock music, or most any music for that matter, has heard some of the myths and legends about life on the road. Pink Floyd’s giant pig floating away, Frank Zappa receiving a turd from a rabid fan, Alice Cooper killing chickens onstage, the Rod Stewart stomach pump story, Ozzy biting the head off of a live bat…..there are tons of those tall tales about the music business that have been floating around for years, growing more and more outlandish as the years go by. Some of them are true, and some of them are absolute fiction. I have had the good fortune to hit the road with some of my favorite underground acts, not as a band member, but as a manager, roadie, driver, merchandise handler, and whatever you want to call what I did. Those moments have been some of the highest points in my life. One thing I quickly learned on those trips was that just about anything can happen, and I mean anything. You have to look at it for what it is, a bunch of guys traveling together for about a month, racing from one big city to the next. It’s not that simple though. You have to reach your destination on time every day no matter what. You rely on your vehicle to get you there. You rely on the people to put their normal responsibilities aside for a few hours and come to the show. You rely on the promoters to be honest enough to pay you enough to make it to the next city, and you rely on the people you’re traveling with to not get on your nerves as you sit side by side in the van, bus, or whatever you might be traveling in. It isn’t a far cry from the family vacations you took as a child when you went to visit your Grandma in Zephyrhills, Florida. There’s usually a band member in charge of the trip, just like your Father was on those long trips. There’s usually a band member that always complains about everything, just like your little sister did, and there’s always car trouble, wrong turns, and cops. I got the idea to put this little book together after reading a book called “I Killed” by a stand-up comic named Mark Schiff. It’s a book full of crazy road stories from nearly every comic in the business. That book is a riot, and it was one of the few books I’ve ever read cover to cover nonstop. It made me think back to all the crazy stories I’d heard about touring musicians, and some of the things I went through in my own experiences, and I got to work on what you have in your hands right now. Not every artist in this book is a household name, and I’m almost positive that not many people on the planet have actually heard of all of them, but these stories are all fantastic in their own different way, and these people worked harder than most of the so called “musicians” rock radio is cramming down your throat these days. These people did it, and still do, for the love, not the money or the fame. Just read on and check out what they put themselves through, just to play music. Enjoy Tony Patino The Road MOJO NIXON solo artist People always ask me how we got successful. Well, we played all those shitty gigs in the middle of nowhere for no money that's how. Eventually that all paid off but it took a while. We starved forever. In our early days of touring we spent a lot of time sleeping on people's floors, going home with fans or the sound man, or we’d drive to a relative’s house or something. We got used to that because we were playing those gigs and getting paid fifty or a hundred bucks. There were only three of us. Me, Skid Roper and our road manager Bullethead. Skid Roper was super cheap. He's the type of guy that would order soup and ask for extra crackers. He ate cereal every morning and was too cheap to buy a bowl, so he took a half gallon milk jug and cut the top off and used that for his cereal. We used to play in Santa Cruz a lot because that's where the guys in Camper Van Beethoven lived. One night we played a big show with them up there and they said we could stay at their place. Their house didn't have a lot in it, just a couple of couches, so Bullethead slept in the van with his girlfriend. In the middle of the night Bullethead's girlfriend had to go to the bathroom and ended up pissing in Skid’s cereal bowl and then just hid it in the van. The next morning the rest of us went to get something to eat and Skid was looking for his bowl. When we got back he was sitting there eating Captain Crunch out of a peed in cereal bowl. She'd peed one of those big super strong, all night ammonia pees in there too! One of those big smelly tiger pees! He just rinsed it out a little and then ate out of it. He didn't get in there with a scrub brush or a brillo pad or anything. Even then, what the fuck? Go buy a real fucking bowl! He didn't know it and I never told him. We were playing in Jackson, Mississippi around 1986. I think the place was called W.C. Don's. It was a tiny little place, literally just a plywood shack off a dirt road next to the railroad tracks. It kinda' looked like a party hut or something, the type of place where teenagers might go to drink beer. We were headlining on a Tuesday night and we were 1 Tony Patino getting paid fifty bucks! We met up with some locals and got some psychedelic mushrooms and ate ‘em before the show. That place was so small and I sing so loud that every time I sang really loud the lights would dim. I was super high on mushrooms and I would just yell real loud and the lights would go down.