Burlington Bans the Sale of Alcohol!

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volume 12 - issue 6 - tuesday, october 9, 2012 - uvm, burlington, vt uvm.edu/~watertwr - thewatertower.tumblr.com

by marissabucci

If I were to start this article off by saying, “A lot of things have changed about school since kindergarten,” you would probably respond, “No shit, Marissa.” Of course things are different—for one, we stand a good two feet taller than we did back in the days of naptime and snacktime. But I’m here to take a look at the principle changes that have gone on in our fifteen-or- so years of education: First off, let’s talk hallway etiquette. Remember those times when you used to walk double or single file down the hallway? Alphabetically, boy-girl, or whatever sadistic arrangement your teacher felt like—no one can deny that elementary school hallways were organized. No one was fucking around and stopping to hug their friend who they hadn’t seen in three whole hours. There was a constant pace and you had to maintain it, otherwise you were reprimanded and sentenced to finish your by dansuder walk at the front of the line, right next to Ms. Elmore, who always smelled like coffee and wet dogs. Fast-forward to middle Sam Student’s parents are more than a school, high school, and college: there is little concerned. He called them up yester- no hallway organization to speak of. People day, said hi, and asked if they wanted the move at their own pace, neglecting to no- good news or the bad news first. Then he tice anyone else around them as they adjust explained that there was no good news. the volume on their Beats. And there is al- Then the story of his weekend spilled forth ways that guy who stops in the middle of like so many weekend stories do. the Davis Center to bro out with his… bro Sam’s Saturday was off to a great start. right in front of you while you’re trying to His buddy from home was up, and the entered the basement and asked everyone on the initiatives the city wants to take in get to class on time. And don’t even get me various accouterments of debauchery were to leave. He held in his hand, that Ender of order to prevent problems from occurring started on longboarders. already nestled on his ‘dining room’ table. Parties, that Emptier of Wallets, the noise in the future. Many want to limit the oc- On the contrary, we have benefitted A 30-rack (Genesee Cream), 2 fifths (Bur- violation. cupancy in the substantially in terms of our free time as netts, Sailor Jerry), 21 Solo cups (One was “Samuel A. my proposal: burlington bans the Hill Section to 4 we’ve travelled through the ranks of educa- for water, duh), and a package of ping-pong Student!” de- sale of alcohol! sam student and his unrelated peo- tion. It probably has something to do with balls all vibrate to the pulse of the dubstep clared his par- ple per house. the fact that we’re now legally adults and booming from Sam’s “dope” speakers. Sam’s ents in unison. buddy split a box of capri sun and Good call, Bur- ain’t nobody gonna tell us what to do, but explanation paused, and, on the other end W h e n talk about girls while they listen to lington! Rent’s I would rather just revel in it than over- of the phone he could hear his mother’s he called his too expensive analyze it. It started with naptime—school- horrified sniffle, “Dubstep?! Oh Sammy!” roommate Jer, neil diamond. they go to sleep at when 6 people sanctioned, timed naptime. Let me just say: The terrible tale continued. Sam de- who was out of 9:30, and wake up refreshed in the share a house, fuck that shit. If I want to nap, I will nap. scribed his antics, his shenanigans, and, town, Jer had morning. do you think Time and place are irrelevant. I will not yes, his outright hooliganism. The flow of a similar re- we could raise wait to nap in my bed if I need a nap. I will people into his home that Saturday evening action. “Sam, it a bit more? nap in my chair at the Cyber Café and no was constant; Sam Student’s shithole of an what the hell?! What about, as one will stop me. The worst part about el- apartment was quickly becoming the place You can pay that yourself, asshole!” Jer was suggested by one Free Press commenter, ementary school naptime was your teach- to be. But one guest was uninvited… De- also exorbitantly fined because his name B-town charges up to 1000 dollars a per- er standing over you telling you gently to tective Colin Montgomery, BPD. was on the lease, even though he was four son for a violation, and ties it in with UVM wake up and color. Fuck. That. You don’t get At 11 PM, a warning. At 12:30 AM, the states away at the time. punishments including suspension? (The to wake me up from a nap and tell me to lights were turned off, the crowd was told Sam’s story is tragic, yes, but also far same commenter also thinks “In-A-Gad- color in a map of the United States. variously “shhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!” and shut too common in today’s Burlington. The da-Da-Vida” is the most likely song to be Free time got marginally better in the fuck up, it’s the cops!” But at 12:35, Sam Burlington Free Press reported last week blared from a window, so I guess we should middle school, with the advent of “study

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defense of defense... drunkwalk empire marriage equality and the fashion haikus pride parade budget by bendonovan and by sarahperda by kerrymartin georgeloftus by laurafrangipane news ticker: It will be awful, but A Good Day To Die Hard is a great title +++ I wish there was a way I could vote for Romney’s hair for president +++ The Defense Budget: abusus non tollit usumg

by kerrymartin Now I grew up in a swing state. defend war hawkishness: the military’s with the rest of the world’s defense. $78 bil- our constituency to the executive branch, My school playground in Colorado was highest—and arguably its only—priority lion of our annual defense budget provides and if we gained any wisdom from fight- prowled by political bullies, ready to raise a is to defend American lives when they are equipment, training, and peacekeeping ing two wars, we should elect wiser Com- fist to anyone who threatened their parents’ threatened directly. The Iraq War did not services to some 150 foreign countries. In manders in Chief. (It’s worth noting that gun rights and tax cuts. Setting differences fall under this category. But perhaps we addition, we fund 27% of the UN’s peace- international approval ratings of American Dear water tower, aside, I befriended some of these kids while need to revisit this piece of advice from US keeping budget and 20-25% of NATO’s leadership have spiked since Obama got As a graduating senior, I feel it is imperative that some questions I have get remaining a vocal democrat, but even as we President and Nobel Peace Laureate Teddy military budget—more than any other elected and ended the Iraq War). cleared up before I leave Burlington in May for bigger and better things. As my with georgeloftus grew older and our politics more sophisti- Roosevelt: “Speak softly, and carry a big member nation of either organization. Yes, Let’s listen to former Secretary of most trusted news source on campus, I believe you, staff members of The Water- cated, I always bore the brunt of anti-liberal stick.” foreign armies should grow more self-reli- Defense under Bush and Obama, Robert tower, have the correct investigative/journalistic resources to satiate my curiosity. Epic Games—Epic Games, makers of such seminal titles as Gears of War and Unreal Tournament, have allowed game director Cliff Bleszinski to jabs and hippie stereotypes my friends had So just how big is our stick today? ant, but that requires continued training, Gates: “What all these potential adversar- First of all, I want to know more about Kornbread. Does he have a job? How picked up at home or from Sean Hannity. Well, in 2011, the federal government aid, and arms sales from the United States ies—from terrorist cells to rogue nations does he support himself? Does public rapping throughout Burlington pay the bills? leave the company. Granted he wanted to leave, but still. The man was a ge- nius when it came to gameplay and Fortnight hasn’t even been released yet. But these were not dumb guys, and our spent $700 bil- to avoid military to rising powers—have in common is Does he have a family? Where does he live? Did he grow up here in Burlington? friendship became an exercise in respect- lion on defense, crises and coups. that they have learned that it is unwise to How did he get into the the loud freestyle rap game? I’m sure these questions and ing and keeping an open mind to contrary 19% of the total “every war we’ve ever fought We shouldn’t pick confront the United States directly or in many more could be posed in an interview with Kornbread. (Also, has anyone else 30 Rock—The season premiered. That’s fantastic, one of my favorite shows on TV, hands down. But this is the last season. It was a bittersweet Thursday. beliefs while defending our own. Through federal budget up the tab forever, conventional military terms. The United noticed his delicate ankles?) it all, I remained a staunch liberal. and 4% of the has been to prevent the but weaning the States cannot take its current dominance Secondly, sometimes the University Health Center parking lot behind Water- A Good Day To Die Hard—Really? A fucking fifth Die Hard movie? I’m However, UVM’s radical leftism was a national GDP next one, and if the billion world off of US for granted and needs to invest in the pro- man smells like donuts. Where is that smell coming from? Where can I purchase rude awakening to how conservative I was, (and more than military aid is a grams, platforms, and personnel that will aforementioned baked goods on my walk to class? I’m pretty sure that’s it. still blueballed from the last one where he couldn’t even say “Yippie-kie-aye motherfucker!” We need a fifth die hard movie like we need a UTI: as in, we comparatively. Now don’t get me wrong: every other de- dollars we spent per week long road ahead. ensure that dominance’s persistence. But A concerned citizen, I’m still your average shag-rug, bong-rip, fense budget And here’s a it is also important to keep some perspec- Alice Corvo don’t, but it’s nice knowing we can get rid of it with with a little cranberry in iraq wasn’t enough to juice. stop-the-war liberal; I would attend Pride- on the planet big thing: I know tive. As much as the US Navy has shrunk fest with pride and defend any and every combined). convince us not to fight we’re far from since the end of the Cold War, for example, Dear Alice, uterus like it’s the Alamo. But I’ve had With the So- perfect, and I in terms of tonnage, its battle fleet is still These are all valid, pressing questions, and no doubt they are on many Cata- Jim Lehrer—This dude was a total hack. He lost control of that debate wars when there aren’t guns as quickly as a 13 year old girl loses control of her emotions. He didn’t trouble placing myself on UVM’s politi- cial Security could give you a larger than the next 13 navies combined— mounts’ minds. We’ll do our best to bring an end to your quest for Kornbread and cal spectrum; what I found here wasn’t the bill coming in list of eighty cul- and 11 of those 13 navies are US allies or donuts. Thanks for reading, rock on, and always want us so bad. hold anyone to answering a single question. Neither candidate impressed pointed directly at american me much other than their ability to artfully sidestep any question aimed traditional Republican-Democrat dialectic at $725 billion tures I prefer to partners.” I grew up with, but rather an equally polar- and Medicare heads, then I’d rather not live Sarah Palin’s Real A lot of people argue that our mili- James and Liz towards them. Jim Lehrer failed at his job and in turn failed the American people. ized split between socialism and apathy. and Medicaid America, but our tary’s insistence on being ahead of the pack Editors in Chief UVM’s abundant hippies usually fall at $835 billion, to see what finally does.” nation stands for makes the world a more dangerous place. Sometimes reading the water tower makes our readers want to get naked and IMDB—How the fuck does The Last of the Mohicans have only a 7.8/10 on into one of those two apolitical catego- Defense takes international, But militarization is a necessary, inevitable fight the power. But most of the time, they just send emails. Send your thoughts on this website? Why didn’t the 66,268 users rate it higher, were their comput- ries (no disrespect; I love your stinky bare third place in federal expenditure. inalienable human rights, which many component of development, and although anything in this week’s issue to ers broken? Did their mouse not allow them to click on the 10? feet more than you know). But this is sup- Yes, that’s a lot of money that we’ll have world powers do not. At the end of the day, we supply the world with more and more posed to be a school of activism, and it dis- to pick up the check for. But it’s no different I’d rather we carry the biggest stick in the arms and ammunition every day, the global [email protected] heartens me that the two wars we grew up from any other entitlement: it guarantees room. rate per capita of violent death has been with have turned many of us completely our future safety just as much as SS and Part of me fears that we’ll never be able on a steady decline since the dawn of civi- away from politics. No one has to remind Medicare/Medicaid do. There’s a reason to wield a weapon without firing it. Every lization, and no one foresees this pattern the water tower. me that Washington is messier and more people talk about privatizing those two en- war we’ve ever fought has been to prevent changing. uvm’s alternative newsmag uvm.edu/~watertwr with coleburton crooked than Dick Cheney’s blood vessels. titlements but not defense: security is the the next one, and if the billion dollars we My advice to you is not to let our mas- ______Editorial Staff But I value my democratic citizenship, and basest function of government, and the spent per week in Iraq wasn’t enough to sive defense budget deter you from civic Editors-in-Chief to maintain faith in the power of my vote past few millennia have proven that mili- convince us not to fight wars when there life. We value your vote more than you can James Aglio and voice, I’ve come to peace with certain taries work better when driven by neces- aren’t guns pointed directly at American know, and you should celebrate the fact Liz Cantrell “So the question is, does anybody out there think that the big problem policies that are outside my control, and ar- sity, not profit. Even if our parks, schools, heads, then I’d rather not live to see what that you live in a country that listens to News Editor we had is that there was too much oversight and regulation of Wall guably outside the president’s as well. One and small businesses suffer, we must up- finally does. Perhaps the military should your views on at least some policies. Next Kerry Martin of these is the defense budget. hold the promise that while you live on have to sacrifice its $80 billion research month I’ll be casting my vote for Obama in Street [prior to the 2008 financial crisis]? Because, if you do, then Gov- Now don’t shit the bed; I don’t hate American soil, war will never uproot the budget to fund operations instead of relying the first national election I can participate Around Town Editor g George Loftus Arabs, I don’t love blowing towns to piec- course of your life. on supplemental bills from Congress, as it in. Please vote for someone. ernor Romney is your candidate.” es, I don’t think American culture should Also, for better or worse, the American did for Iraq and Afghanistan. But the most Reflections Editor infiltrate the rest of the world. I will never military has become intricately intertwined essential check on the American military is Phoebe Fooks - Barack Obama presents a basic question to the American people during the presidential debate last week. I wonder what people Fork It Over Editor answered. Jamie Beckett Fashion Editor “Tampering with someone’s skates “Chairs, doorbells, airplanes, Sarah Perda Créatif Stuffé Editor is inexcusable, and I’m coming out bridges, games, these are all Josh Hegarty now and admitting that I did this things that connect us. And now Tunes Editor Dylan McCarthy and acknowledging that what I did Facebook is a part of this tradi- Humor Editor Collin Cappelle was wrong.” tion of things that connect us last week we had a misprint where Copy Editor - Simon Cho, an American Olympic speed skater, said as he faced to o.” the last part of Becky Makous’ article Laura Greenwood allegations of tampering with a fellow competitor’s skates at the about the Innocence of Muslims video World Short Track Team Championships. - Mark Zuckerberg announces Facebook reaching one billion was cut off. This is the final paragraph ______Staff Writers of the article as it should have been Ben Donovan users. Funny, I don’t think chairs and doorbells really connect Laura Dillon us. printed. Eds. Laura Frangipane Cait O’Hara Katja Ritchie Hopefully this video, the anti-Ameri- Sage Bierman “The Israeli government will continue to defend our borders in the sea, can riots, and murder of US diplomats in Rebecca Laurion Libya are the worst of it and our foreign ______Art Staff on the land and in the air for the security of the citizens of Israel.” relations with the Middle East will only im- Art Editors prove from here. It is also important to note Kitty Faraji - Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu told the press on Saturday after an unidentified drone was shot down by Israeli jets. that this video was made by a Coptic Chris- Malcolm Valaitis Some members of the government propose that it was a drone from Hezbollah. The two countries continue to flex their muscles and tian Egyptian against Muslim Egyptians; bear their teeth in this ongoing conflict. Art Staff this is a predominantly Egyptian issue, not Ben Berrick an American one. When former despotic Tenzin Chophel the water tower is UVM’s alternative newsmag and is a weekly student publication at the University of Vermont in Burlington, Vermont. Egyptian President Hosni Mubarak was in Caney Demars office, our relationship to Egypt was strong. Katharine Longfellow contact the wt. read the wt. join the wt. Our generation stands at a Now, we still train and fund their military, Kevin Kennedy Letters to the Editor/General B/H Library - 1st Floor New writers and artists crossroads. With sincerity so hopefully, even under the newly elected Lauryn Schrom and humor, we strive to make Mariel Brown-Fallon [email protected] Davis Center - 1st Floor Entrance are always welcome President Mohammed Morsi of the Mus- Editors-in-Chief: Davis Center - Main St. Tunnel Weekly meetings you reexamine, investigate, [email protected] L/L - Outside Alice’s Café Tuesdays at 7:30 pm question, learn, and maybe lim Brotherhood, our ties with the Layout Staff Middle East can tighten back to the Megan Kelley Advertising: Old Mill Annex - Main Lobby Williams Family Room pee your pants along the way. mariel brown-fallon Martine Wong [email protected] Waterman - Main Lobby Davis Center - 4th Floor We are the reason people can’t way it was in the good ol’ days (just ______Special Thanks To Williams - Inside Steps Or send us an email wait for Tuesday. We are the without the UVM Art Department Digital Lab Online - uvm.edu/~watertwr water tower. oppressive dictatorships). g by emilyyork Aside from a general love of getting stoned, UVM students seem to have one thing Everyone knows didgeridoo guy, that dude with all the puppets and weird looking in common: most of us are dead ass broke. For this reason exactly, Church Street attrac- instruments and shit. Well he’s awesome too. Sitting and listening to him for even five with bendonovan and georgeloftus tions are sometimes avoided by undergrads in a vain attempt to save a few bucks. I’m not minutes of your time can actually be really interesting. He ventures away from the acous- about to drop thirty dollars on an entrée from Rí Rá’s when I know I can use my points to tic, Noah and the Whale type of music that we’re all so used to in Burlington and dares to We all love nostalgia. We go to 90’s night at Metronome. We watch Woodstock punching people, not for DJs and bachelorette parties. If it wasn’t a courtroom or a get French toast at Brennan’s. Regardless, we all know downtown Burlington is awesome, play something foreign, something new. It’s also clear that he really loves what he’s doing, and wish we could time-travel back to when Jimmi Hendrix was alive, hallucino- church, you could smoke in it. There was also an incredible amount of violence and and offers many different things that you just can’t get on campus. The point I’m getting as crazy as he might appear. And need I remind you again, this is free. Who’s really gonna gens were passed out like lolly-pops, and everyone was blissfully unaware of the corruption fueled by an ineffective ban on a substance everybody still used anyway at here is that spending a day on Church Street isn’t often as fun-filled for your wallet as it be the asshole to complain about that? STD’s they were almost certainly contracting. We throw 80s parties, because as (sound familiar?), but whatever, the ‘20s still kicked ass. is for your wardrobe. Following didgeridoo guy, in an equally stunning performance, is the man who does Sarah Perda pointed out last week, every red-blooded American male pops a secret This week, get your nostalgia on, water tower-style, by watching Boardwalk So this weekend I braved the elements and made my way downtown, on the hunt for literally everything. He juggles fire, balances shit, and stands on top of like a dozen chairs boner for leg-warmers. That’s just science. Empire and getting drunk like it’s 1929. We should note that these writers do not things to do that don’t suck, and that don’t cost upwards of fifty bucks. Luckily, I was able at a time. And I know, the chair thing sounds dumb, but it’s actually amazing. He also But after spending a rainy Saturday watching HBO’s Boardwalk Empire, we’ve endorse underage drinking. You know, just like we don’t endorse smoking, swear- to find something completely free and completely awesome, allowing me to come to this mixes in acrobatic tricks as well, making for an incredible show that technically costs come to the conclusion that all those other decades royally suck compared to ing, fellatio, or sarcasm. conclusion: street performers are the shit. Walking from one end of Church Street to the nothing at all. Of course, you’re an absolute dick if you don’t throw at least a fiver into his the ‘20s. Everybody wore three-piece suits. Bars were for drinking whiskey and other, I passed probably four or five different musicians and they were all super impres- hat. What I’m getting at here is that we live in an amazing town. sive. Before I even made it halfway down the marketplace, I had already taken a few min- As ridiculous and corny as this sounds, we are surrounded constantly by art and cul- Got a tv show drinking game of your own? Send it in to [email protected] -- If it doesn’t suck, hey, we might even publish it. After extensive testing, of course. utes to stop and watch a guitar player in front of Outdoor Gear Exchange. As I continued ture and music. It’s a complete and total waste not to go downtown every once in a while Mark “AROUND TOWN DRINKING GAME” in the subject line. We’re serious. We don’t want to write this every week. We have shit to do. on, I noticed the same sort of thing everywhere else. No matter who was playing, most and at least make an attempt to soak some of this up. And street performers are a great people tended to take a break from their busy schedules of pretentiously sipping over- way to do this: they’re fun to watch, really cheap, and tend to be really interesting, talented Boardwalk Empire priced green tea to listen to the music. It seemed other people had caught on to what I was people. So make your way down to Church Street, avoid the expensive boutiques if you just now learning. Not only is this free entertainment, but these street musicians fucking can, and give a few minutes of your time to these amazing performers. g rock. Of course, they weren’t the only souls brave enough to take their art to the people. Every time there’s gratuitous nudity Every time a famous gangster’s name is dropped. (Al Capone, Lucky Lucciano, etc.) 19. Get an A in a class: Every class Every time somebody casually drops an ethnic slur or a sexist comment. where attendance wasn’t mandatory-- Every time Jimmy’s relationship with his mother is intensely creepy. British Lit, Tennis, and (surpris- Every time Prohibition is hilariously ineffective. ingly) Creative Writing. Verdict: you Every time you realize you forgot how awesome Steve Buscemi is (seriously, kids—this is the guy from The Big Lebowski who ended up in a by georgeloftus should really try to get an A in every fucking coffee can) class... Every time somebody gets incredibly violent out of nowhere For those not in the know, there’s a list circulated by Class Council containing the 101 things you’re supposed Every time Agent Van Alden ( a.k.a. NOT-Joaquin Phoenix) is just a weird motherfucker. to do at UVM before you graduate. They range from “get a degree” all the way to “watch the sunset on williams 20. Study by the fountain: No. I have Every time the Commodore is a raging prick. hall”, so, obvious all the way to adorable. It popped up, as far as I know, a few years ago, and you know what? In better things to do like clean my all that time a lot of them are still kinda stupid. There's a lot of wasted real estate on this list. Let’s begin, shall we? apartment or fall down stairs. Finish your drink whenever the level of back-stabbing between the main characters reaches absolutely fucking epic proportions—these are Verdict: pointless. gangsters in the 1920s we’re talking about, after all, so prepare to lose a weekend or two to a hooch-induced fog of war. 1. Participate in the Twilight induc- 6. Tie-Dye: I did this all the time. At 13. Go to Montpelier, the only state tion: I went by accident. I was under summer camp. When I was 8. I don’t capital without a McDonalds: The 21. Eat a Vermonster: hardest thing the impression there would be food like dressing like an asshole anymore. McDonalds is a half-mile outside of I’ve ever done in my life. I’m pretty there and I followed the pretty girls Verdict: dumb. “city limits”. That would be like say- sure that’s the closest to having a who lived below me freshman year. ing I made out with Rashida Jones baby my biology will allow me. Ver- I guess it wouldn’t be a good list if because I saw her on tv once. Coin- dict: Mount Everest of the list, and 7. Ride the on campus shuttle and by caito’hara you wanted to do everything on it. cidentally, I totally made out with awesome. I will be the first to admit that I love having my car for those of you who may be unaware, is a petroleum- listen to George’s words of wisdom: I Verdict: necessary for challenge. Rashida Jones last night. Verdict: up here (Insert massive amounts of convenience). I no based product (Read as: dead dinosaurs). Cars operate could never hear George over drunk lame. And bullshit. The best part 22. Go to a show at Higher Ground: longer have to worry about every little shadow on my with the greatest fuel-efficient when there are as few Matt and Kim, Bo Burnham, Tak- 2. Make a friend from each campus: biddies on the precipice of making about Montpelier is leaving Mont- late night journeys from downtown to campus and vice stops/starts as possible and idling is hell. In a city like ing Back Sunday, Foxy Shazam, Of versa. I can go out to Petra whenever I want to get my Burlington, or really any town with more than the 1 Check. Except for Trinity kids. They horrible decisions and drunk bros pelier wondering how they could enable Monsters and Men. Great venue in climb on and getting home for breaks or traveling for ½ stop lights mine had, stop and go traffic is a given. smell weird. Verdict: (air motioning concerts will be easier than ever. I can make Dunkins You’re car doesn’t run as efficiently, you end up burning said horrible decisions. Verdict: 14. Take a tour of the Ben and Jerry’s spite of the people that work there “jerk off” with glassed, rolled eyes) factory: I take tours of the Ben and runs when I’m missing home and get the hell out of more gas, and GODDAMNIT STOP inconsequential. and think every Maine ID is a fake Burlington when my head feels like it’s going to explode KILLING THE EARTH!..... Sorry for that outburst. 3. Sit under the Flying Diaper: This Jerry’s section at Hannaford’s on a bi- one. Verdict: I don’t know how you And ya know what? Sometimes I hate the damn There’s an incredible sense of camaraderie when was a lot easier last year before that 8. People watch on Church Street: weekly basis. Close enough. Verdict: can be here for four years and not be thing. you and your friends band together to trudge your way fucking eyesore was built right next Have you ever read one of my ar- interesting and worthy, but out of the tempted to go to a show there. Too As nice as it is to have my vehicle, I still choose to anywhere when the weather is less than ideal. You don’t to it. But yes, waiting for the bus by ticles? Verdict: necessary. way walk to 90% of my destinations. A car is convenient for get that with a car! There’s no sense of unity, no sur- obvious. longer trips, but for day-to-day travel in and around viving the elements with your closest pals or even just Coolidge, we would wait under it 15. Have brunch at Harris Millis or Burlington, walking is far more efficient. I’m from a exchanging an acknowledging head nod with that poor when it was raining. Take it or leave 9. Spend a day at North Beach: Yes. Cook: sooooooo goooooood.Waffles. 23. Try every flavor at Wings Over small town, and being able to get to a drug store or gro- unfortunate soul across the street. Surviving an outdoor it. Verdict: harmless, but cute. The lake water is cold enough to Verdict: necessary. cery store without having to turn it in to a day trip is adventure in the middle of January here in Burlington is actually keep your beer cool, it’s sort Burlington: No, that’s stupid, why freaking awesome. I can walk from my dorm on Ath- more than enough to create a bond that will last. 4. Watch a sunset from the top of of awesome. Verdict: worthy. 16. Join a club: You’re reading this would I get anything that isn’t Honey letic to Rite Aid and back in the same amount of time it Lastly, I don’t trust people. I now understand why Williams Hall: Literally the only aren’t you? If I weren’t on a club I’d BBQ? Verdict: ambitious, but expen- would’ve taken me to DRIVE to a Rite Aid in my home- everyone hates driving in college towns, and yes I ac- reason I saw breasts freshman year. 10. Go apple picking: I go apple pick- masturbate and play video games a sive. town. And by walking? I can continue to eat like a nor- knowledge it’s not just us who suck balls. But really? I really hate heights, but, boobs are ing every week. At the grocery store. lot more than I do, so it’s nice to have mal human being and not waste precious fossil fuels. People are stupid enough in every day life, put them be- 24. Play a game of Broomball: Even I am an incredibly impatient person. I don’t like hind the wheel of a half-ton, moving death machine and pretty cool. Verdict: deserving Because it’s 2012. And they’re the something besides myself to tie my though it feels like something they waiting, standing in lines makes me twitch, and you re- suddenly they seem to get a whole lot dumber. Stop- same goddamn apples. Whatever, I’m hands up. Verdict: a must. ally don’t want to be in a car with me in traffic. I feel ping in the middle of Main Street to pull a Chinese Fire 5. Participate in the Naked Bike Ride: counting it. Verdict: dumb. 17. Get a free plant from the Horti- would do in Canada, yes I’ve done as though there’s this thought of, “Oh let’s just drive! Drill and then leaving your hazards on for the next 300 It’s a vicious cycle… I’d have to get culture club: I hate the environment. it. Watch out—Team Water Tower It’ll be so much quicker!” Yea…ever walked downtown yards? Go fuck yourself. I may or may not have a slight shitfaced to run around naked, and 11. Ski and Snowboard. Often: I go between 4-6 pm and seen the lines of cars? Or noticed case of road rage and trying to drive through mid-af- Verdict: dumb. is gonna bring the hurt this season. as soon as I get shitfaced running sledding a lot… does that count? how many damn streetlights there are between campus ternoon traffic is enough to give me an aneurysm at 20. Verdict: silly, but whatever. Everyone around naked is the last thing I’d Verdict: alright. 18. Go up to the attic of Converse and Church street? I thought I had, until I started get- No thanks! and hunt for ghosts: I’m afraid that gets bored sometimes. ting stuck at every single light no matter my destina- Ok, so I do love having my car. There’s just a mul- want to do. The coolest thing about 12. Eat one of Charlie’s famous tion. Next time you take an adventure, count how many titude of reasons that I still prefer to walk. It’s better if I go in there I’ll become a vessel showering is I get naked and no one’s falafel’s at the Marketplace: I didn’t 25. Learn to longboard: hahahaha- stop lights you see between start and finish. Now imag- for the environment, it’s my thinking time, it’s far less for Viggo the Carpathian and out of there to make fun of me. This sounds know they had falafels at the Mar- hahahaha, no. I enjoy looking like ine every one of them turning red as you’re attempting stressful and in many ways it’s easier! I’m not saying that respect for humanity I refuse to go to reach your destination. Cue: frustration. I don’t use my car, in fact I do with a surprising fre- like the exact opposite. I handed out ketplace… I got food poisoning a grown up when I move from one water once? Verdict: necessary/never into Converse. Please tell me some- There are also environmental concerns to con- quency. There’s just better ways to do simple things there once sophomore year and lost place to another. Verdict: dumber sider. We know that burning fossil fuels contributes to than being the dick that drives a half-mile when in a million years one else has seen Ghostbusters 2… 9 pounds. Haven’t eaten there since. than dumb. g global warming. And the gasoline that powers our cars, you could walk there in just a bit more time. g Verdict: take it or leave it. Verdict: silly but alright. katharine longefellow by laurafrangipane by lizcantrell by jamiebeckett Vermont celebrated three years of dren were dressed for the parade. All were marriage equality on September 1st. It well loved and included as part of the event, People generally give one of two re- scending-Wonka way of saying, “you must kids with siblings are probably raised When I first heard about J.K. Rowling’s George Martin and was the first state to allow same-sex mar- as changing tables, and arts and crafts for sponses when you say you’re an only child. be a spoiled, selfish little bastard”. The truth about the same, with one exception: only new book my wand erupted the messiest JRR Tolkien. With such riages back in 2009. After California’s brief kids were among some of the amenities There’s the standard, “ohmigod you’re so is, viewing an only child in these extreme children don’t have built in ammo against patronous that needless to say, no invisibil- a prominent and tal- flirtation with same-sex marriage in 2008, provided. lucky”, usually accompanied by an eye roll terms is kind of like framing the “Edward” the rents. My dad was damn strict because ity cloak could hide. ented fantasy author Prop 8, voted on by citizens, overturned As it is in states without marriage as the person reflects upon their horror of vs “Jacob” debate as only having two op- I had to be protected from boys, lipgloss, However, upon finding out that this in the spotlight, it is no the marriages by amending California’s equality, traditional symbols of Pride were a sibling. And then, there’s the “oh… that’s tions, when clearly the answer is “Harry. TRL, and Democrats (cheers to being born new book is going to be about muggles, surprise that Rowling constitution to define marriage as exist- there: rainbow flags, couples holding hands. cool”, which is a poorly disguised, conde- Voldemort. One of the Weasley twins. Ma- in the great state of Alabama). And yes I my giddiness was short lived. The Casual wants to be elevated to ing only between a man and a woman. But what was unique to this Vermont Pride dame Pomfrey. The Firebolt. ANYONE but fought back, but I didn’t have any equally Vacancy went on sale September 27th and a literary upper echelon Vermont’s same-sex marriages still aren’t was the sheer normality that marriage Edward or Jacob”. dramatic, hopelessly adolescent siblings to will be Rowling’s first adult novel, thus and thus is releasing a recognized federally due to the Defense of equality has obviously created in this state. A common misconception is that only help me gang up on him, so I rarely won. maintaining her worldwide fan base, none new book. Marriage Act of 1996 (DOMA) that legally For the kids growing up in these new fami- children either desperately want a sibling, That’s probably the one downside. of whom ever received that goddamn letter The Casual Va- defines a marriage as between a man and a lies, it was just another day, and they got to or are total brats who are pumped they The much more important upside is from Hogwarts. cancy takes place in a woman, which is still on the books despite see other kids and families like them. They have the wishbone all to themselves. Per- that my dad never treated me like “one of The Potter franchise is one of the larg- seemingly idyllic Eng- widespread opposition. Regardless of how got to hang out with Mom’s friends in the haps the real answer is… they just don’t the kids”. Now that I’m an “adult” (legally est the world has ever seen, so as Harry lish town but beneath limited equality might be in the rest of the park and have a big party. Speakers empha- care, they’ve been sibling-less since day able to do whatevs, except rent a car with- grew up so did the multitudes of us magic- the façade is a town country, Vermont same-sex marriage laws sized accepting oneself and one’s body—no one. We are a normal breed of kid, and out giving a pound of flesh in insurance crazed young’uns . Then a few years ago a in conflict. With the show how much, for the better, a commu- matter what, in whatever form—which is chances are, you probably wouldn’t even fees), we’re straight chill with each other. measly morsel called the tales of the Beadle unexpected death of a nity can change. a message all children need to hear, how- know unless we told you. Obviously, people with siblings can get and the Bard was released creating another parish council member, Three years, traditionally, is the “leath- ever they grow up. The leather lovers, drag I’ll admit that the only child ste- along just fine with their rents, and this huge seller, but also a big letdown. I under- the proceeding election er” anniversary. Think “leather” in the queens, and sexually charged put on a more reotype exists for a reason. We all know is not to say that parents with multiple stand that the book was meant to be a col- drives the plot as the queer community and one immediately family friendly show on stage. It was fun for “that person” children can’t rec- lection of children’s stories, but it still left town devours itself in thinks of a subculture where many take both adults and children. whose par- “we all know ‘that person’ ognize them all as me so unsatisfied. With that in mind along a struggle to resolve the pride in wearing the material for sexual and Madeleine Kunin, former governor of ents magic individuals. All I’m with George R.R. Martins recent notori- conflict. deeply powerful reasons. At pride parades, Vermont, spoke at the event. She recalled genie-ed that whose parents magic saying is that some- ety as a fantasy author, I believe Rowling Even if it is mildly where opportunities are offered for the speaking at an early pride parade in Burl- shit and gave times children pulled out all the stops trying to leave her over hyped, Rowling’s queer community to be more visible and ington in the 1980s and being chastised for them what- genie-ed that shit and might get lumped mark as a great modern writer. own take on political out, the leather community often partici- her appearance by some Vermonters. She ever, when- into a generic “kid” Those of us who have read all the Pot- turmoil should prove pates, wearing leather thongs, straps, cages, described firsthand the change, for the bet- ever. You gave them whatever, grouping, whether ter books know that it is not Rowling’s in- to be an interesting etc. The images conjured are often BDSM in ter, that Pride had become. It has become can spot ‘em the parents intend tricate plots that are appealing to the reader read. As readers we can nature and often intended to be so. While an event not just for an angry, marginal- from a (red whenever.” to do so or not. but her compelling protagonists. The ease count on an engaging microcosm of a town work deserves. Personally, I believe haters gonna hate. It’s they represent a happy and healthy display ized, group of people, but for celebration, carpeted) These minorof reading and the magic of the universe that depicts a wide spectrum of people that J.K. who shits gold and not Tywin Lannister. I mean she is of sexuality, it is just that: a display of adult relaxation, and for families to come togeth- mile away. But can you really blame the differences aside, at the end of the day, be- that readers are immersed in is what they we can find ourselves connecting too. I be- richer than the queen of England. I hope that Rowling can sexuality and orientation, something chil- er. She recalled when churches protested kid, as irritating as they are, when the par- ing an only child doesn’t really impact one’s wanted. However, this was when they were lieve Rowling to be more than capable of deliver in The Casual Vacancy, producing a book that earns dren are not a part of. I exemplify this par- the parade along Church Street. Now, she ents might have something to do with it? daily interactions. It’s just a fact o’ life, like ten. Now they have grown up and HBO’s tackling some of the larger questions of hu- her place amongst the greats in modern literature (she’s al- ticular subgroup not to “yuck its yum” or to pointed out, churches march in the parade No one is born saying, “me, me, me!”, and long lines at New World or the unfortu- Game of Thrones has captured the fantasy man nature, and I am looking forward to ready there in my book). To anyone who has already read ostracize it, but to demonstrate that pride and hold services geared towards the queer while that doesn’t absolve only children nate existence of anchovies. While I’m an audience’s attention. The unique and com- the choices she makes. the book and thinks they are bigger and better harry potter events are traditionally very sexual, and community. of all high crimes and misdemeanors, it’s only child, and I wouldn’t have it any other plex power struggles in Game of Thrones, Some critics believe that this book fans than I… Crucio!!! Belatrix taught me well, I fucking thus are generally themed towards an older, Pride was held for the first time this worth noting. Not to mention there are way, it’s not because I get more stocking in addition to the other underlying themes, will be blown out proportion, that it will meant that one, bring it! I will fight you for the biggest fan if not an adult audience. At pride events in year in September to attract Fall visitors plenty of people who have siblings, and yet stuffers or more attention, but because it justifies the oft-made comparison between receive more attention than the quality of title. An open letter. g cities and states without marriage-equality and college students. Next year will mark act like they are the most precious things has worked for my family for 21 years and few, if any children are present. the “Fruit and Flowers” anniversary of to have ever graced the earth (see: the Bush that’s all that matters, the same way having The “leather” or three-year anniver- many couples and the fourth birthday of daughters, Prince Harry, Ivan the Terrible, 19 kids all named J-something works for sary in Vermont saw a unique change, I many children I saw at pride. I am left in- etc.) other people (jk that’s totally cray). g think, for a Pride event. Alongside beau- credibly optimistic about where the queer The reality is that only children and tiful expressions of sexuality, identity, and community is going in Vermont. I loved queer culture, were families. Lots, and lots, how normal life could be for queers, which of families. Queer families, straight fami- brings hope to me and to others like me. I EVOLUTION -continued from page 1 lies, ally families, the gamut. Toddlers ran encourage those on the fence about mar- DRUNKEN DILEMMA -continued from page 1 around and danced to “It’s Raining Men” riage equality to come to a Vermont Pride: halls.” These designated times and rooms for and high school gave way to the desks with mentary school, it consisted of one day a week with Moms and Moms or Dads and Dads. experience what marriage means to creat- I guess we should up the suggested fines being shwasted. we wouldn’t have to do! studying were more often used for snacks, little baskets under the chair in which you playing the xylophone—or if you were lucky Families and couples brought dogs to Bat- ing love, feel how normal it is to be a just to take into account the last 40 years of My proposal: Burlington bans the As a different commenter on the Free passing notes, and catching up on the latest is- could store your books. Downgrade? Yes, but enough, the glockenspiel—to “Mary Had a tery Park of all shapes and sizes. Some chil- one part of a sexual spectrum. g sue of Tiger Beat. But still, we were confined. definitely still functional. There was enough Little Lamb.” College is a different story. There inflation…) sale of alcohol! Problem solved! Pic- Press’s website states, “Every college town advertisement Dear readers, I have the solution. But ture this: Sam Student has his buddy up. deals with [noisy and crowded] situa- High school brought about this magical thing desk space to fit your textbook and notebook. is no dedicated music class. Instead, “music let’s first identify the problem. Most Burl- They split a box of Capri Sun and talk tions. Exception Brigham Young Uni- called “free periods,” or whatever your high Enter the desks in Waterman 401. There is not class” occurs on Friday and Saturday nights at ingtonians point to students, with the Free about girls while they listen to Neil Dia- versity perhaps [sic].” Besides number of school called them. For the allotted time pe- enough room for a single notebook. Getting set some unspecified hour, when the drunkest guy Press arguing that “the burden of teach- mond. They go to sleep at 9:30 PM, and students, political affiliation, geographic riod, you could go anywhere or do anything… up in my Italian class is like playing an impos- at the party decides that he wants to get laid ing civility to… youngsters” is something wake up refreshed in the morning. Sam’s location, religious beliefs, and mascot as long as you were back in time for your next sible game of Jenga: Now if I put my textbook and so picks up the nearest guitar and starts that the police have to deal with, because neighbors, Burlington natives Pat and Sal, (oh, wait, same animal, different name), class. at a 45-degree angle and keep my notebook in strumming Dispatch. Sometimes that guy is “neighbors [would] like to see [college enjoy a bottle of wine sparkling cider in the ONLY DIFFERENCE between our Enter college: class time ranges from 0-5 my lap, I should be able to just fit my Speeder joined by his amigos, and they form some sort kids] grow up and settle down.” But the their living room and watch You’ve Got two Universities is the availability of alco- hours a day, and the rest is mostly unstructured & Earl’s mug of iced coffee and…WHY THE of collective that features guitar guy, guy who real issue is right up there in the second Mail, before likewise retiring early to hol. To create a cultural shift, the city of time in which you can do whatever the hell you FUCK ARE THESE DESKS SLANTED SO hits whatever object can double as a drum, paragraph, folks, staring you square in the their respective bedrooms. Detective Co- Burlington must embrace extreme mea- want. Want to go to Downtown Threads? Do THAT BOOKS DON’T STAY ON THEM. and guy who spits rhymes over all of the noise eyes. The problem is alcohol. (Also dub- lin Montgomery loses his job, but it’s okay sures, namely, the prohibition of alcohol it. Want to hit up the library? Go for it. Want Don’t even pretend like you haven’t felt that (which again, I mean with all the love in the step, but let’s move on.) because he got to go home early and play within the city limits. Burlington must to get a new piercing before Sociology? There’s frustration. We have been seriously ripped off world, Don Keif [I mean it. Look him up on College kids are quiet and studious, Halo with his dog. It’s a good weekend. change from “BYO” to “BYU,” and the no administration standing in your way. As for in terms of class seating as we’ve gown up. Ex- SoundCloud]). but drunk college kids, sometimes… not Pearl Street Bev becomes Pearl Street time for that change is now. me, I prefer to nap. Whenever, and wherever. cept in Billings Lecture Hall. Those chairs are Long story short, things are a lot different so much. I wake up to the loud, grating, Creamery. Kids with fakes and fifths be- And no, I will not listen to other Remember those enormous desks in el- niiice. from our young’un days. We have evolved and ear-splitting screeches of the elementary come kids with wholesome pints of 2%. ideas! I am both a Burlingtonian and a ementary school that had space to put all of Finally, I would like to discuss music class. revolutionized music class and free time usage schoolers playing down the street on a In addition to problems with crowding UVMer, and as the Free Press makes clear, your worldly possessions in? What happened In our pre-college years, music class consisted to suit our new needs. However, desk size and relatively regular basis, but I don’t blame and noise, Burlington would take a tre- working with others toward a common to them? There is an inarguable inverse rela- of sitting in the stuffy orchestra/band/chorus hallway etiquette are different stories. I’m go- them. Instead, I blame their state of mind, mendous step in preventing violence of all goal is less important for both groups tionship between desk size and amount of room three days a week as your burned-out ing to start group advocating the use of tasers i.e. that of a six-year-old. Likewise, kinds, and vandalism would be similarly than blaming the other group for failing work received in respective stages of educa- jazz-playing band conductor led you through on people who walk too slowly. I hope you will when it comes to noisy college kids, lessened. This is a solution with literally to work with others. g tion. In elementary school we had desks that the James Bond theme song for the hundredth all join. g we shouldn’t blame them. Instead, we no downsides. Think of the homework could fit dozens of textbooks even though we time (which I mean with all the love in the should blame their state of mind, i.e. we’d all get done! Think of the cleaning up didn’t have friggin’ textbooks. Middle school world, Mr. Fumasoli). Or alternatively, in ele- overheard a conversation in b-town? was it hilarious? dumb? inspirational? Uvm hockey team- yes, all of you- tell the ear and we’ll print it. I’m not quite sure uvm.edu/~watertwr/ear.html If you guys can read But maybe someone will read aloud by sarahperda So here goes. Kid doing yard work for some guy on Loomis St As I ate my pre beer salad Older dude: ...and you’re gonna need to use the ladder to reach the windows, so you might wanna lay off the grass. We are unisex? Don’t force the A wave of flows came into my vision My puck slut senses tingled College kid: I don’t do that... Are you sure about that, man? sleeveless, someone on campus catch your eye? Older man: Huh? Huh, that’s news to me… If it is meant to be so, couldn’t get a name? But I would not let lax bros fool me again So I further investigated the clues: College kid: I don’t climb ladders. by georgeloftus - Headbands It will come pre-cut submit your love anonymously - On cutoff tees ~watertwr/iwysb.html You all look fairly dirty uvm.edu/ Wearing lots of uvm athletics apparel Marche checkout line Bluntly, last week sucked ass. It was cold when it been recycled yet. Shameful existence, You ate like fat kids Girl 1 to girl 2: Shut up! I’m not going to make out with Stepping, spinning, sliding, you and I’m NOT going to draw you naked! shouldn’t have been, it was raining when we wish it weren’t, Wear a fucking raincoat when it’s wet out. One that Please don’t wear me in public Alone together in a crowd, And then I recognized the faces and I had to read books I didn’t want to. Who the fuck doesn’t absorb water, but one that’s impermeable to it. Have Only during sports Because yes, I shamelessly memorized Lingering: your hand in mine, your eyes on me. Outside of Mann Hall cares about a Marxist interpretation of film theory? I’m an important presentation? Wear a tie or a blouse with a - Toe Shoes Something stirring, suddenly What all of you look like American, these colors don’t run. blazer. Have some pride. Throw out anything you own that From the online roster. Girl to guy: We have the most unimaginative sex a person Alive, aloft, alight. could ever come up with What stuck out though were the disparate ways people has fire on it, whether red or “awesome” blue. Also, un- Stop teasing me, imp Do I dare ask? Y’all are beauties handled the temperamental shifts. Most responded appro- less you have strep or you just made a major contribution And I’d prob let you bukkake Keep me in, or let me out Ask you to dance? To Sketchy dark section of College Street, Saturday night priately, wearing rubber boots that went up to their knees, towards the cure of cancer, you shouldn’t wear sweatpants Limbo is torture Never let go? When: Last Thursday night jackets that repelled water, and umbrellas strong enough to outside of your apartment/dorm. Where: The Marche Guy to guy: “See that girl over there, I pogo-sticked her - The boxers peeping out of your pants Can I take that chance? last night” withstand the wind. Others did not. And I hate them. Mid-drifts might be hot, but don’t show them off al- Inhibitions aside, I saw: Uvm men’s hockey team When it’s raining/cold out, don’t be that asshole who ways. Limit it to once a week. Remember you have parents. Now I float on your tide, and I am: Puck slut with a tongue ring wears cargo shorts with skater shoes and socks halfway up If you own anything made out of crocodile skin (purse, Room 235 in the Marsh Life Science building Uggs aren’t waterproof, Give in to your salsa romance. Guy: “Unless you no longer care about your testicles, you your shins. Seriously. That guy sucks. He should stay at boots, bracelet) throw it the fuck out. Yesterday. Speaking They also lack any grip I know you love me My friends like the vampire hickies... But can you handle me, When: Last Friday night (No Katy Perry, though) should not wear skinny jeans if you’re a man!!!” home and eat the rest of his colored goldfish. of bracelets, don’t own any jewelry made out of leather. I’ll keep you upright Where: Patrick gym I mean they were a little too much. If you go out to a Unless you’re at - Leather boots betch? Although, I still love you a bunch. It’s game on, drunky. I saw: a SASSy stallion Thursday morn, Simpson Fine Dinning bar on Saturday and summer camp and I am: supremely smitten You kinda gave me bruises... - High Heels and you do really like mooses... Biddie: I don’t know a lot about Jewish culture. I thought it’s freezing out, don’t “when it’s raining, don’t be that you’re nine and you I could look real nice be that girl in heels and made it yourself. If It actually gets weird. (you know, with like, all that moose they were only in America.... I just found out they were in If you’d only give me love I get wet when you sing radiohead the Middle East. a dress so short she’s asshole who wears cargo shorts with that’s the case, I’m and when we play around in bed. love, for the mooses). Tame me, I dare you I wish you had a beard. showing a skin-to-fab- sorry I said “fuck” - Your frizzy Hair Remember when we used up all the lube ric ratio of 76:24. You skater shoes. seriously. that guy sucks.” so much, and Why do I love you? Davis Center Marketplace and in your mouth you place my boob. Friend 1: Do you want to go to the library with me? will be stared at by ev- please stop reading I walk to your house all the time well if you become a civil engineer and get rich, ery person who doesn’t this paper. It is fall, asshole I’ll still marry you. <3 Friend 2: You’re kidding, right? That place is Satan’s fuck- and suck you dry like a lime. ing playground, I don’t belong there. deserve you. That chick Wear. Socks. I am freezing to death here You’ve pleased me more than any guy When: Last weekend kinda sucks too. Remember: it’s easier to treat gonorrhea Unless you’re going to a themed party, don’t own Ha- Save that shit till June you make me moan and sigh. Where: Your bed and the shower than pneumonia. Wear a coat. waiian shirts. Buy them that day and return them the next. - Your belly button on crop tops It doesn’t even matter that you’re Jewish I saw: A big man Dressing appropriately for the weather is one of the Also, ladies, wear more off the shoulder sweaters and side I hope our fling will continue to flourish. I am: A tiny girl most obvious indications that you’re no longer a child. If ponytails. Dudes, less gel. The more gel you wear, the more When: Thursday-Sunday you’re reading this, you’re at least a month and a half into suspicious people will be about the rag in your right hand I can’t walk for shit Three to six inches too high Where: Usually your place Wash Spot Laundromat your collegiate career and your mother hasn’t grimaced and why it smells so sleepy. I saw: My nugget at your attire once in said amount of time. Here are a few It takes a lot to act like a grown up, but it certainly Fuck it, I want flats Despite your beliefs - lizcantrell on high heels I am: Naked in your bed ways you can start dressing older than you currently look doesn’t take a lot to look like one. Consider the aforemen- I do in fact get dirty OPEN 24 HOURS 7 DAYS/WK right now. tioned advice and people might start taking you a bit more Pretty please wash me We snuggled once but I don’t remember, Throw away jeans with holes in them. Get rid of tat- seriously. And if they don’t they’ll probably enjoy the reju- - Sweatshirt I think it was in early September. tered khakis that have trailing fabric at the bottom. For the venated college atmosphere that suddenly feels more aca- I live on your floor and see you every day, love of god, stop wearing beer shirts. I can guarantee you demic, and less hungover. g I promise I look you seem like quite a solid lay. 207 Riverside Ave, Burlington that I drink exponentially more beer than you, and I don’t Better than those fugly jorts Such a short man with such petit girth, own anything that says “PBR” besides cans that haven’t Get inside, you’ll see Next to Newton’s Carwash 1/2 mile from UVM g What is that weight on your shoulders? The Earth? - Jeans I know that you are straight, but you seem a bit shady, You can be the tramp, I can be the lady. I know I flirt, I know I tease, Will match any value put on Wash Card But I want you to be my main squeeze. You seem like the man, the man for me, OVER $20.00 and up to a $50 Match You got those thighs, those thighs like Bruce Lee. Tonight might be the night with any luck, with student I.D. See website for details. Tonight might be the night we.....have sexual intercourse. When: All day, Erry day Where: Doesn’t matter I saw: A hawt sexy man I am: The Barron • High Extraction Washers = Less Dry time Do you recall the weekend that we met? 8 Load Washers $10.39 I know you do; somehow I can’t forget The way we flirted, spoke, and said goodbye. 5 Load Washers $6.19 by jamiebeckett You were the girl and I was--am--the guy For you, but yet this life tore us apart, 3 Load Washers $3.54 While some might write odes to fruits and vegetables, influence the price and supply of pork. It turns out that produce one pound of meat. With so many people hungry And struck me like a...quiet, in my heart. 2 Load Washers $2.14 real men love meat. Bacon is the ruler of all meats for its global warming might not be the best thing for agricultural one might wonder why so much of our food is eaten by our Two months or three; it was closer to two, versatility and sheer awesomeness; it literally makes every- yields--who knew? (Scientists). When it comes to feeding food. You obviously haven’t had bacon in a while. That you had me and I...I...I had you. • Wash-Dry-Fold Service thing better and it is the bane of vegetarians. While there the world’s seven billion people, we might want to consid- Meat tastes great and is important in many of our diets; Eight lines I’ll write, this week, and next, and next. • FREE Wi-Fi (bring your laptops) are many who will attest to the divine powers bestowed consuming less, however, can go a long way towards future For weeks it takes to write of love complex. upon this salty meat, others take matters into their own “bacon is the ruler of all meats sustainability. Such reasoning has influenced Brennan’s to When: an overcast day • Accepts Credit and Debit Cards hands and have begun hoarding the world’s precious swine. make Mondays meatless. They don’t actually deprive any Where: on the running track • Clean and Air-Conditioned The impending pork apocalypse has already hit campus, for its versatility and sheer of us from our precious meat, but they do have quaint little I saw: her for there is no place around that serves bacon worthy of signs asking us students to order meatless meals. Participa- I am: the Mystery Poet my time. My supreme dissatisfaction with Brennan’s bacon awesomeness; it literally makes tion is voluntary and one should consider all the advan- leaves my meaty excitement flaccid. Is it really too hard to everything better.” tages of ordering a vegetarian option once a week. Next thewashspot.com get a few strips of nice crispy bacon? time you get the pancakes ask for extra potatoes instead remember to check out the overflow Email. [email protected] The Chinese have a strategic pork supply that of the pathetic strips of soggy bacon Brennan’s gives you. on the blog! supposedly helps keep down inflation and main- Remember that everyone loves bacon but the price of meat 802.862.6100 tain food price stability. The surge in grain prices er the energy lost as it inefficiently moves up trophic levels. is too damn high! g thewatertower.tumblr.com after this summer’s prolonged drought will in turn That is to say that it takes at least ten pounds of grain to by mikestorace Grizzly Bear and Animal Collective everywhere). Although this success is ever, and Centipede Hz is a very solid al- are two bands that have been critically not as widespread as that of Bon Iver or bum throughout. acclaimed and revered by hipsters and Arcade Fire, the two bands have music Shields is an incredible step forward indie music fans everywhere since their videos in the multi-millions of views on for Grizzly Bear. The band calls upon in- beginnings in 2002 and 1999, respective- YouTube and even have made it on to teresting electronic beats in songs such with kerrymartin ly. Both bands are well loved by both the the radio. *GASP!* Animal Collective’s as “Gun-Shy,” “Aldema,” “Yet Again,” and Stretch out those hip-hop hamstrings, UVemcees, because it’s impeccably high standards of indie mu- Merriweather Post Pavillion and Grizzly “Sleeping Ute.” They also maintain faster time to bring your rhyme-slingin’ back to the water tower. sic website Pitchfork, and comparatively Bear’s Veckatimest essentially launched beats in the song “Speak in Rounds” When you work hard and play hard all week long, nothing less stringent ones of Spin magazine/ the two bands into indie superstardom, and, at times, harsher guitar. Although puts your mind at ease better than lyric therapy. This week, we website. Although they are both idolized and fans waited in eager anticipation for the band had played with sound before, explore Columbus Day. by the same group of people, their styles the arrival of new albums. Both have de- they break new ground as a band with could not differ more. Animal Collec- livered superb follow-ups in the form of the successful music achieved in Shields. tive boasts loud and screaming vo- In terms of body of work by anonymous It’s that time of year, the day of celebration cals, experimental electronic beats “both bands achieved relative and overall quality of sound, To honor the man who discovered this nation. (headed by Panda Bear/Noah Len- Animal Collective wins. They We’ve turned forest to lumber, field to plantation nox), and, at times, pounding gui- mainstream success through their have a superb sense of delving To the kids who play guitar in dormitory basements: And oppressed the natives who we thought to be Asian. tar, that all come together to yield into music in a way not many Columbus Day? Sounds like a pandemic. genuinely innovative music that last albums (much to the dismay other bands can even come not up the stairs on dormitory beds on tipsy saturday nights in the hopes of luring girls to go past first, singing in the same hoarse voice, same chords, We honor the men who made blankets pathogenic, cannot be characterized by a single of hipsters everywhere)” close to. However, their bi- Who made contagion systemic, founding eugenics genre. zarre sound upon initial con- generic indie crooning, knowing exactly how to get the freshmen girls-any girls-to start swooning That would be later picked up by UVM academics. Grizzly Bear, conversely, are tact deters the average music No estoy de acuerdo con ese gran día more laid back, depending less on key- Centipede Hz by Animal Collective and fan, making them inaccessible to most To the kids who play guitar in dormitory basements: totally entranced in their own world, fingering out obscure chords, strug- Por el hombre que vino y nos oprimía. board and more on percussion and en- Shields by Grizzly Bear. listeners (much to the love of their fans). Celebrar el conquisto es mal fantasía, ticing guitar riffs. While Animal Col- Centipede Hz is more of a return Grizzly Bear maintains a resume of gling to remember words, cacophony of drums, amplifier static, erratic singing, unbridled joy and ecstasy. Llegó y robó todo lo que quería. lective dotes on the genre of electronic, to old for Animal Collective. Gone are only four albums compared to Animal White men came to rape the land and its people Grizzly Bear strays more towards folk. the trip-pop beats of Merriweather Post Collective’s nine studio productions. De- To the kids who play guitar in dormitory basements: you are the ones worth keeping around, the ones whose minds are sound, To save them with the gun, bottle, and steeple. Daniel Rossen, the lead singer, coaxes Pavillion and returning are the yelps of spite this, however, every album is fun- by embittered emcee Kerry Martin the listener with his appealing voice, old. Centipede Hz reminded me of the damentally sound, and Shields is their feet on the ground, as close to earth as you can get, unlike those up the stairs, contrasting significantly with the vocal- garage-rock sound of songs like “Peace- most thorough to date. From beginning trying to touch the sky without even really knowing why, it’s all a game, if ists Dave Portner and Noah Lennox of bone,” “Purple Bottle,” “Grass,” and “Na- to end, it is diverse - picking up in parts you can win then you’re victorious, glorious Oh another long week and it tastes so sweet Animal Collective. tive Bell” from Strawberry Jam, Feels, and slowing down in others, giving lis- To the kids who play guitar in dormitory basements: You mean I don’t have class? Awww man I’m beat! Both bands achieved relative main- and Here Comes the Indian. A return to teners a phenomenal performance. Best kerry martin allowing yourselves to be alone with your thoughts, granting your mind the Friday, Sat’day, Sunday boozin’ stream success through their last al- the traditional Animal Collective sound new album: Shields! g chance to explore itself, travel to new depths, figure out the way, face the Wrap it all up with some Monday snoozin’ bums (much to the dismay of hipsters is not a step backward in the least, how- emotions, memory uneroded, deal with harsh realities and move on instead I’m saying fuck school cause it’s so cruel of pushing on without contemplating, experiencing, fully feeling Give me so much work, I’m feeling like a drug mule. To the kids who play guitar in dormitory basements: Monday will be my day of R & R perhaps this was a bit directed, perhaps these musings are based in the con- Let’s bless Columbus for coming this far fusing, abusing finale of love lost, curtain drawn, audience applause, encore? On this day, we reflect nationwide with respect not a chance that was not romance Conquistador, murderer, explorer of the West To the kids who play guitar in dormitory basements: America, we’re taking the day off… i tip my hat to you, for in some way unknowable to you, you have restored … my faith in the guitar. Wait…what? So we have school? No shit. Fuck it, I quit! by lackadaisical lyricist LL Cool G

Next week, we disenfranchise Mitt Romney. The week after, we crack Crossword Puzzles. Send your raps for either week to [email protected] with the subject “My flow is too grimy, Ganges River” or something to that effect. Best rapper of the semester wins a $25 gift card to Boloco!g by michaelstorace by katjaritchie A, money sign, A, P; the man, the leg- UVM sponsored events put on in Patrick He knew he’d never do it, but some- odore White” typed in stupid cursive and The rifle was the last thing in the attic notch above where the rifle had been, end; the choice for UVM’s 2012 Fallfest. Gym WILL NOT be good. This is a very thing drove him anyway to run a hand over bearing evidence of the old work-printer to be put away, and Sean surveyed all the from where its smaller handheld counter- What does that money sign even mean? unfortunate fact as the school devotes a the worn-smooth rifle, dusty in its rack on being low on toner. They’d all packed into packed boxes around him, his day’s work. part had been missing for four days. No Are you implying that your income is significant amount of money to the UVM the wall. Even though he didn’t want to, the Catholic church for which Grandpa He hadn’t shed a tear at the funeral, put- one really knew what to do with the last greater than mine...? I would assume so! Program Board. Under different circum- there was something powerful about just Ted harbored so much hatred. That hatred ting on instead a fake stoicism that made thing Grandpa Ted had ever touched in For those of you that live under a rock or stances, this concert might have been more touching an object that, if picked up at the had been passed down to Sean’s mother, all the female relatives clutch his shoulder, his last moment on earth, not since Uncle simply have matured beyond university enjoyable; however there were several fac- wrong time (or maybe just the right time, but her complaint was less “singin’ to that tell him what a strong young man he was, Dave got the call from the police officer sponsored activities, A$AP Rocky, Danny tors that caused this show to be below aver- he thought perversely), and if held in a goddamn organ at the ass-crack of dawn and shed more tears in his place. Everyone telling him to go straight to his father’s Brown, Schoolboy Q, and the A$AP Mob age: certain way, could end his very existence. for Chrissakes” had seen house. It was Uncle Dave who found him, visited the school on September 22 to de- First, sweaty freshmen boys do not He got the same feeling every night when and more the it coming, lifted the pistol from his hand, and set it liver a performance to the student body. make a good crowd. This was a rap concert, he cupped the little, orange, plastic bottle gauzy, white “while everyone else reacted but no one conspicuously on the mantel. It was only I attended this event with a very open and was 150% a grinding show. Anyone in his hand and peered inside at the happy, church-blouse saw it com- supposed to be a momentary placement, mind. I think that A$AP Rocky generally who had listened to A$AP before knew rounded capsules. They were very differ- Nana Ann al- in loud, emotional outbursts, ing like this, but Sean suspected it would stay there un- has a good sense of flow. His rhymes aren’t that, and everyone who planned on going ent experiences, touching a stately antique ways wore. She Sean found himself really just and while til the house got sold. half bad and his beats are generally phe- was absolutely certain of that. Unfortunate- rifle and considering a mundane bottle could always everyone Not knowing quite how to handle the nomenal. His live performance, on the oth- ly, the girl to guy ratio was abysmally low, of pills, but both reminded him sharply see the purple else reacted unwieldy wrapping job, Sean secured it er hand, did not live up to my moderate ex- forcing a lot of male bumping and shoving. kind of put off by the whole ben berrick of his impermanence and made him fear bruises the size in loud, awkwardly with masking tape and stayed pectations. I do not blame the performers Male attendees simply latched on to the sudden impulses. of Grandpa thing.” emotional kneeling on the floor for a moment, star- for this! A$AP Rocky and the A$AP mob few women in the audience and would not Sean put his hands suddenly into his Ted’s meaty outbursts, ing at the packaged rifle. The threat and had tremendous stage presence and put on let go. This crowd dynamic, however, will the beats that make A$AP as good as ily for the music and was disappoint- pockets, realizing he still had a hand on fingers through the sleeves. Sean had nev- Sean found himself really just kind of put the chill of holding it was gone, almost. a good show. Although I do not know who always be the case for a school-sponsored he is. All I could distinguish was the ed when a subpar presentations. the gun through this reverie, as if keeping er even met Nana Ann, and so he wouldn’t off by the whole thing. He supposed, in He still didn’t want to, but he decided then this “mob” even is, they were constantly activity. faint rapping of the men on stage. To The sad fact that concerts will it there would drive that fatal urge into his have known any of this except for the con- the end, Grandpa Ted had gone how he that if he someday changed his mind, he dancing around the stage and managed to Also, Patrick Gym has terrible acous- most, this didn’t really seem to mat- never be good when Patrick Gym is brain. He had thrown on yesterday’s khakis versation he’d had with Aunt Claire when wanted to—or, at least, that was enough wouldn’t go like Grandpa Ted. He would keep the audience very much tics for concerts. Shows in Patrick Gym will ter, as the music was an afterthought the venue is one that UVM students again—or had he slept in them?—and his she got drunk at Christmas, so he knew of an explanation to quiet his conscience. leave a note. g enthused and entranced with not be heard properly, plain and simple; the to the inebriated, albeit hopeless, will simply have to deal with. Bottom left hand hit the folded program from the to watch for his mother staring up at the He lifted the old rifle off the rack and -sup their antics. music sounds tinny and distant. For this search for women to grind with. I on line A$AP Rocky was definitely bet- day before, printed on cheap paper at his foreboding stained glass of her childhood, posed he should wrap it in newspaper. The bottom line is that show in particular, I could not even hear the other hand go to concerts primar- ter than Mac Miller. g mom’s office, “In Loving Memory of -The shaking like a leaf. As he did so, he fixed his eyes on the collincappelle First one to $ Whoredom is Leader of the Free World

Le Crossword Puzzle * campaign contribution fi gures from http://www.opensecrets.org

1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12

WYSIWYG 13 14 15

16 17 18 19 20 21 So... You wanted to ride a 22 23 24 Across: 25 26 27 28 Fixie 1. Scot 29 30 31 32 33

5. Slang 34 35 36 37 10. Sha 13. Else 38 39 40

14. Alien 41 42 43 15. Neal 16. Call an Ambulance 44 45 46 19. Two 47 48 49 50 51 20. Rims 21. Evoke 52 53 54 55 22. Data 56 57 58 23. Augers 25. Hereby 59 60 61 28. Sepal 29. Open Down: 30. Optic 31. Dad 1. Sect 27. Reel 34. See the Funny Side 2. Claw 28. Spurs 38. Eel 3. Oslo 30. Oft en 39. Extra 4. Tel 31. Dire 40. Tree 5. Sanity 32. A Den 41. Gapes 6. Llama 33. Deed 42. Friend 7. Aims 41. Guess 44. Neuron 8. Neb 42. Farces 46. Pair 9. Gnu 10. Senor 43. Riot 47. Faxes 44. NAACP 48. Aero 11. Hacks 45. Exits 49. Bat 12. Alee 15. Navel 52. Raise Objections 46. Peeve 17. Arab 47. Frau 56. Acts 18. Legacy 57. Grave 22. Dent 48. A Jar 58. Tuna 23. Aetna 49. Bout 59. UPS 24. Up In 50. Anna 60. Tares 25. Hose 51. Tsar 61. Star 26. Epee

ben berrick