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Republicans Dickishly Block Supreme Court Appointments by Rachel Poe At this point we should just hope they go the way of Scalia Staff Justice Ginsburg be the most accurate refl ection of what after watching countless boring ass pride swell so large that it prevents you Last issue, I wrote a piece about the the American people want. interviews is the overuse of the term from doing what you were elected to death of Supreme Court Justice An- I mean, that’s the not worst thing “lame duck president.” Republican do. tonin Scalia, now two weeks later, I’m right? For the American people to have leaders have been using this term like Currently, Obama still hasn’t said a back to tell you that shit’s not much a say in who the next Supreme Court a shield to justify their actions. But name. In multiple press conferences, better. There’s a “heated” battle right nominee is? What I think Sen. McCon- like I said before, Obama isn’t a lame he’s said that he wants his nomination now between the Republicans and nell is forgetting is that we already had duck. The term refers to the time after to be an undisputed choice regardless our say. Every Senator, Congressmen, an election when we’re all just wait- of political party. Obama has hinted DDon’ton’t ffollowollow mymy eexample.xample. and, surprise, even the President was ing around for the next president to at nominating a moderate or even a elected by the American people to rep- be sworn in. For Obama, this would conservative moderate. For example, resent our interests. Therefore, if our probably be the time where he would the White House was looking into Re- current leaders nominate and appoint give the least amount of fucks. Maybe publican Governor Brain Sandoval of a Justice, it will be refl ective of what that’s why the GOP has been misusing Nevada. Sandoval is a centrist former our country wants so long as everyone this term so much; it’s hard to believe federal judge who despite being a Re- Democrats on whether or not President does their fucking job. that at this point, Obama can give any publican, aligns with Democrats on key Obama should be able to nominate But what is probably the biggest is- less fucks about the shade he throws issues like abortion rights and the en- Justice Scalia’s replacement. Republi- sue with delaying the appointment is at the Republicans. Because in true vironment. But after news broke about cans want to fi libuster the nomination the timeframe. Sen. McConnell keeps Obama fashion, he has been attacking Sandoval’s consideration, GOP leaders until the next president and the Demo- back with his classy but sassy style. He still didn’t back down and insisted that crats believe that it is the duty of both “It’s hard to believe has been calling out Republicans for nominating a Republican would make the President and the Senate to swiftly being hypocritical as strict interpreters no difference. Sen. McConnell contin- fi nd and appoint a replacement. It’s all at this point that of the constitution who make it seem ued to sing the same old tone about stupid political nonsense that is once Obama could give as if there is some sort of imaginary waiting until the next president. again probably making George Wash- amendment that denies the President Obama still holds hope though. In a ington roll over in his grave. any less fucks about his (or her) constitutional right if they recent press conference he said: “I rec- For those of you who don’t know- like have a year or less in their presidency. ognize the politics are hard for them, most of our political leaders- the checks the shade he throws And yeah, that’s kinda bullshit. because the easier thing to do is give and balance system was put into place With some of the Republican presi- in to the most extreme voices with their as a way for the three branches of the at the Republicans.” dential candidates this year, it’s pretty party and do nothing.” Obama went on federal government to make sure that referring to November as if the next easy to paint them as the loony bad to predict that Republicans may change one branch doesn’t become corrupt president will be able to nominate guys with weird hair, but this shit has their mind if the publics believes his with power. Not as a way to bully each a new justice the day after Election been going for years. The Democrats nominee is “very well qualifi ed.” other and deny the American people Day. Our next president won’t be in- have done it too. It even happened This tactic and tradition of trying to a working government. Right now, the augurated until January 20th, 2017, a when Obama was a senator under fi libuster the president’s nominations Republican controlled Senate is saying little more than two months after the the Bush administration. What it re- is just childish. It’s like politicians are that they are going to refuse to meet with election and just a year shy of Scalia’s ally comes down to is control over that thinking that if they can’t get what they any nominees that President Obama is passing. Now if you use Sen. McCon- empty Supreme Court seat. Conserva- want, then no one can, creating an due to name. Senate Majority Leader nell’s logic and add up all the factors tives want a conservative, liberals want endless loop of bureaucratic bullshit. Mitch McConnell won’t back down on going into an appointment, waiting un- a liberal, moderates just want everyone GOP leaders should at least be will- this issue. He believes that Obama as til the next president is in offi ce pushes to shut the fuck up. It’s just politics and ingly to meet with and entertain the a lame duck president- which he’s not- back the decision to well over a year. even that’s a terrible excuse. Politics idea of certain potential appointees; should not suggest any replacements. Which is exactly what the American should be about crossing party lines try to make it look they are actually do- For Sen. McConnell, the next Supreme people want, to wait a year for life- and making sure the government runs ing their job. Because that is what the Court Justice should be nominated by changing court decisions to be made. smoothly and effi cient for the benefi t American people want, not tantrums the next president because that would The most frustrating aspect for me of the nation. It isn’t about letting your from our leaders. page 4 the paper March 2, 2016 Presidential Primary More Chaotic Than “The Life of Pablo” Release by Adam Hamilton God damn it someone get Trump out of my life -The Editor Staff Presidential Candidate bastic billionaire’s narrow loss in Iowa pledged to forge on, claiming vot- long been courting much of the same On Tuesday night Donald Trump won to Ted Cruz gave hope to the claim that ers that would likely otherwise go to voters. the Nevada Caucus, his third straight the months of poll dominance was just a Rubio. Ted Cruz, the only other can- And then there is Trump. In past years state, in his bid to become the Re- bubble and that, come election time, his didate to outright win a state (Iowa) most elections have broken down to a publican nominee. This win is signifi - supporters would fail to show up. Instead, has run as the traditional true be- contest between outsiders (Cruz) and cant because it is the fi rst contest in Trump won the next three states handily, liever conservative. Think of him like the establishment (now fi rmly Rubio). which a large portion of the electorate and saw the once 17 man race get re- this year’s Rick Santorum. Cruz has In 2016 Trump seems to have forged a is Hispanic, a group long expected duced to now fi ve. third, more populist path. Tapping to repudiate the hotel mogul’s pur- into the deep anger that Republican portedly racist and anti-immigrant MMakingaking aactionction ffiguresigures primary voters have towards Barrack platform. Instead they, along with ggreatreat aagaingain Obama and the failure of Republican the rest of the electorate fl ocked to Congressional leadership Trump has him in scores, with exit polls showing emerged as a populist challenge to Trump clearing nearly 45% of Latino what would otherwise be seen as voters, along with nearly every other a traditional election. Early on in demographic polled. Trump’s 45.9% the race Trump was one among a victory puts him at over the combined plethora of candidates, but his abil- total of his two closest rivals, Senator ity to always be in the news gave Ted Cruz of Texas and Marco Rubio him a forum to spread his message, of Florida who ended neck and neck one at fi rst dismissed, now seem- at around 20. Going forward it looks ingly embraced. Trump’s bubble has increasingly likely that the so called long been predicted to pop, but his Republican establishment will not be resounding victories it seems in- able to up end the Donald’s momen- creasingly likely that Trump will win tum, even as the number of contend- the nomination. In the past week he ers scrambling to claim that mantel picked up his fi rst two congressional whither. endorsements, and in the next one After a low energy showing he is projected to do well in the early of less than ten percent in Saturday’s March States. South Carolina primary former Flor- For the other candidates not all ida Governor Jeb Bush suspended hope is lost. After around mid-march his plodding campaign. Bush, early states delegate allocation rules on thought to be the inevitable front- been counting on a “Southern Fire- switch to winner take all. The party nomi- runner, limped into a mediocre fourth With Bush gone it leaves Senator Cruz wall,” a string of southern primaries nating system is byzantine, and each place fi nish despite that backing of ma- and Senator Rubio to fi ll the traditional and caucuses that are going to be state chooses how they will allocate del- jor party big wigs, such as South Caro- lanes of the primary: establishment con- held on March fi rst where the Texas egates, with certain rules set by the Re- lina Senior Senator Lindsey Graham sensus and ideological true believer. Senator has invested signifi cant publican National Committee. With the and his big brother former President Rubio received a string of high profi le time and resources in anticipation. Republican leadership only slowly begin- George W. Bush. Their support and the endorsements since South Carolina, ce- His courting of socially conservative ning to warm up to the idea of a Trump nearly 150 million dollars raised be- menting his establishment bona fi des. and evangelical voters was expected candidacy there is little chance of the tween the Bush campaign and allied Unfortunately for the party elite their can- to bring him a large number of del- party coalescing around Trump if Rubio super PACs were assumed by the con- didate has so far performed underwhelm- egates, but is increasingly seen as or even the hated Cruz has a chance to ventional wisdom to be able to rally the ing, his share of the vote seems limited less of a guarantee since the rise of usurp him that being said no Republic party to behind his cause and cruise on to the low twenties. Further dogging young Trump. Ben Carson’s pledge to con- has won both New Hampshire and South to a smooth nomination. Instead they Marco is the perpetual candidacy of Ohio tinue on may further act as a spoiler Carolina and not gone on to win the nom- got stumped by the Trump. The bom- Governor John Kasich; fueled by a second to the Tea Party upstart as he has ination. place fi nish in New Hampshire he has March 2, 2016 the paper page 5 Jeb! Proves Third Time Isn’t Always The Charm by Nicholas Peters And so the Bush curse is lifted Staff Exclamation Point how to run a state, as well as a part nominee bid was the discomfort that he has the Bush name hurt his chanc- Remember back in the summer, of a family of Presidents. However, Bush showed on stage. In every debate es of running as an anti-establishment when we all thought that this election Trump, coming out of nowhere, killed he was in, he was quiet and appeared type of candidate, which Trump did, as would be Bush versus Clinton. Wasn’t Bush’s momen- nervous. As well, he apparently went in Bush is such an established name in that funny? Well, I guess not anymore. tum. Trump to some debates unready. Bush didn’t the current political fi eld. However, in Jeb last week, on February 20th, an- came on the seem to give off charisma or drive, es- part, America decided it does not want nounced that he was suspending his scene with an pecially at fi rst, which helped Trump to another Bush in offi ce. campaign in the race, a result of him TToooo bbad,ad, ssoo ssad.ad. anti-politically take over, as the man’s charisma drew A year ago, it seemed that Bush ver- being on the lower end of support in correct rheto- many to fl ock to him. Bush would play sus Clinton in 2016 was inevitable. It the presidential polls. Bush started off ric, and started getting followers en it low key on stage, when he should was supposed to be an election narra- this race, expecting to be the front run- masse who he appealed to. Bush went have been the one taking over during tive about two presidential dynasties ner. It was meant to be a very interest- from the top of the race to the bot- the debates, making himself shine going head to head. All of that ended ing race, between two establishment tom. Trump was vicious towards Bush, over the candidates, and not just on his when Bush dropped out. As of now, candidates, Bush and Clinton. Unfortu- criticizing him at every turn. As well as Bush name alone. Bush has not endorsed any of his run- nately, many factors caused this to not straight up making fun of him. If you However, the Bush name also did ning mates. Bush, in his press confer- be the case. look at JebBush.com, it redirects to hurt him. Both his father President ence which announced the death of One of the most prominent factors Donald Trump’s website, showing one George H.W. Bush and his brother his presidential candidacy bid, men- that hurt Bush was Donald Trump. of the many things Trump did to strike President George W. Bush are not re- tioned that perhaps America was not Trump ended up being one of the big- at Bush. It is unknown if Bush would membered fondly by many Americans. ready for another Bush. I don’t think gest thorns in Bush’s side during this have been the front-runner if Trump did While the Bush name could have car- it was. If Bush did get the nomination, election. Bush entered the election as not enter the race, as there are other ried him in the Republican primaries, I wonder if Bush even had a chance one of the front-runner candidates. He factors that caused his failure, but he as many Republicans do look fondly on at the Presidency. There is a fatigue positioned himself as the candidate would have had a better chance of be- the Bushes, as the moderates would about the Bush name, and as much as necessary after Romney’s loss in 2012, ing up there. start to vote, many would probably pick Jeb wanted to be successful, the Bush an experienced Governor who knows Another huge killer of his president someone over him. The fact alone that legacy holds him back. Millennials Apparently Drink Like Divorced Fish by Blackout Barbie Josh Hafner (of USA Today), I will fi nd you Staff Functioning Alcoholic club”, which we all know is just code for er peasant generations used to spend would say swill because he writes for Okay, alright, let me put my beer lets get drunk and shit talk the neigh- on their bottles of fi rewater. A good USA Today and is a classy mother- down. First of all, Josh Hafner I don’t bors especially that bitch Kathy (We chunk of that price tag can probably fucker. Understandably with the rate appreciate your fucking tone. Every get it Kathy your son got into Harvard be attached to good old youthful pre- at which our generation knocks them article on millennials doesn’t have to fuck off about it). So, from that what tentiousness. Studies show that Mil- back Alcohol is considered a growth mention social media and being hip I’ve concluded is that our generation lennials care about the source of their industry. Alcohol consumption is only you goddamn twat. Moving on from is vastly un- wine opting to expected to increase in coming years that condescending bastard let’s ad- der reporting choose wines because tolerance really gets to you dress the issue at hand, how much the truth of that are “or- and other economic analytics that I do wine my generation drinks, which is their drinking ganic” be- not in the slightest understand. apparently a god damn absurd amount problem out cause if you’re Drinking is here to stay obviously be- of it. By absurd I mean half of it. Half of a sense of going to poison cause well war, famine and the inevi- of the wine in country, we drink half of deep rooted your liver you tability of death aren’t going anywhere the wine in the country. I’m not sure if fear that their can’t pollute either. Maybe half of all wine shouldn’t that’s impressive or concerning. Per- parents will yourself with be consumed by a single generation sonally I don’t drink wine because I’m realize what GMOs that’d but this is how the world goes now; the a low class trash person who drinks they spend all be a little over drunk shall inherit the earth. The up- SStatisticallytatistically ssignificantignificant aactivitiesctivities swill according to Josh Hafner (resi- their money the line my coming years will be a testing time for dent person I hate at USA Today). on. man. the human liver and the wine industry, Those of my generation who appar- Millennials Understand- who will now have to up production to ently don’t respect the time honored aren’t drinking that cheap shit either. ably, America consumes the most wine account for the coming of generation Z. tradition of shotgunning beers and div- As a generation we’re more willing to in the world because freedom isn’t free They will if current trends are any indi- ing head fi rst into a pit of shame are spend money on wine than older gen- without a buzz on. The United States cation that the young consume nothing still somehow considered to be “high erations. Notable portions of the Mil- as a whole spent 32 billion dollars on besides liquor and never have a single frequency” drinkers. Which accord- lennials admit to spending over 20 wine in 2015 alone, with a strong help- moment of sobriety as they rise up to ing to studies is three glasses of wine dollars on a single bottle of wine in the ing hand from my beautifully inebriated consume 75% of all wine in the United in one sitting. Three glasses of wine past month. As opposed to the old av- generation. Reassuringly 104 billion States, but then again I really don’t un- is what your mother drinks at “book erage of around seven dollars that old- was spent on beer or as Josh Hafner derstand these statistics all that well. page 6 the paper March 2, 2016 Faker than Guantanamo Bay, Amazingly, Remains Open by Claire Nunez Forever prisoner really means forever Truth Opinions Co-editor center be closed. President Obama One of the main problems with closing By John Looby There are several events and places hopes to close Gitmo before the end of the facility is the question of where to that have tarnished America’s image his presidency. put all of these prisoners. Most of the on the world stage-- slavery, Jim Crow President Obama has been trying to detainees were moved to countries like The Signs Are Everywhere. laws, Japanese Internment, Hiroshima, close Guantanamo Bay since he has Uruguay and Estonia, but there is still and more recently, the tortures that been in offi ce. In the fi rst few days of his a whopping fi fty-six that have not been They’re coming folks, well have been exposed at Guantanamo presidency, he told America that Guan- approved to be sent anywhere. Some more aptly put they’ve always been Bay in Cuba. President Barack Obama tanamo Bay would soon be closed. of them are considered “forever prison- here. In the shadows openly pulling has recently told the press that he has Here we are several years later with no ers” meaning that they will 1) be held our strings like puppets or dogs on intentions to close the infamous pris- closure yet. in a United States prison forever and 2) leashes or that weird N’SYNC video not receive a trial in the courts. This is that I remember vividly like too viv- a huge problem for not only politicians idly. Everything we’ve ever done UUpp nnextext oonn ‘‘ThingsThings YYouou SShouldhould on the Hill, but also for the American has played directly into their aims BBee AAshamedshamed Of’Of’ public. for the world. They’ve been in the Most Americans feel that these de- royal family for years, for political tainees should be kept off of mainland reasons not just because they enjoy American soil; others feel that Guan- incest and the wrongful suffering of tanamo Bay should be expanded. Re- the Irish. All they do is scheme and publican presidential candidate, Marco manipulate world events and do a Rubio told America that “We should really poor job at baking. The last be putting people into Guantánamo, three presidential elections were not emptying it out.” Many of the other at least mildly infl uenced by their Republicans in the House and other decision to not run for President candidates have echoed Rubio’s state- themselves. These illumanit types ment. There is a confl ict between those lizard people are everywhere subtly who want Guantanamo to remain open controlling everything. The broken for the protection of America and those conveyor in the cafeteria that was who feel that it needs to be closed due them and their scaly menacing claw to the stain it has left on America’s rep- hands. They’ve been sabotaging utation. this campus routinely since at least So what is going to happen to Guan- late november of 1973 according to on site. Although Guantanamo Bay’s Obama’s latest push has been out tanamo Bay? my research into nothing. We won’t closure is something wanted by both of his want to solve this overwhelm- Obama’s current plan is to move the be able to get rid of them easily Democrats and moderate Republicans, ing problem before the next president remaining detainees to different coun- though rumor has it that they’ve re- Obama has faced a lot of opposition enters offi ce. Obama has recently pro- tries and to close the facility. Some placed Father Mcshane with a lizard from Congress due to the expense of posed a plan to Congress regarding have countered his proposal by saying doppleganger at least three time. his current plan of action. the detention center’s closure, but the that it would be safer if we built a new No confi rmation on whether or not Guantanamo Bay is well-known mainly House Republicans are not backing his detention center on mainland America they’ve replaced Dean Rodgers but for its containment of high-profi le and proposal fully. Ironically, the House Re- complete with extra security. This plan then again we’re all fairly certain dangerous terrorists and international publicans are the ones that have been for the moment, will not be moving any that he is a robot designed to run criminals. Opened in 2002, the prison actively seeking Guantanamo’s clo- forward due to all of the opposition in a campus with a cold automated camp is used to hold criminals who are Congress. President Obama has ex- heart fueled by the destruction of considered too dangerous to be con- “...both [Obama] and Vice plained that he will continue to try and joyous debauchery. Eventually we’ll tained in the United States. Most of move his idea through before the end of either be unknowingly lizard people President Joe Biden are these severely threatening individuals his term. Obama recently said that both or robots perhaps both. Stay woke no longer on the ballot are terrorists who were found to be in- he and Vice President Joe Biden are no folks also don’t forget that the earth volved in the 9/11 attacks. The deten- so they no longer have to longer on the ballot so, they no longer is fl at and the mole people are ris- tion center has recently become even have to worry about the problems this ing up to kill us in our sleep and in- worry about the problems more infamous in the past few years for could cause for their reelection. herit the lands of the sun. allegations against guards and interro- this could cause for their As of right now, Guantanamo Bay will gators. The prisoners of Guantanamo reelection.” remain open unless President Obama Bay accused interrogators of assault and Congress can agree on the best and torture. Prisoners claimed that sure. Yet, all of his attempts have ulti- way to close it-- that may take a long these offi cers are hurting them emo- mately been shot down by them. time considering the two have not been tionally, physically, and sexually. All of Obama fi rst tried to close Gitmo with agreeing too much in the past few these allegations were leaked last year, an executive order that ended up fail- months. Hopefully, Congress and the and ever since then, there has been ing. His recent $475 million proposal President will come to a consensus in even more requests that the detention was not supported either. But, why? the very near future. March 2, 2016 the paper page 7 Apple Tells The FBI To Stay In Their Lane Realer by Luis Gomez How do you like them apples? News Co-editor data on the phone if ten failed pass- ers the following: that the All Writs Act Than Fact On December 2nd, a married couple code attempts are made. doesn’t grant the FBI the legal author- inspired by foreign extremist groups Apple has, in the past, turned over ity to compel Apple to do anything, that By Luis Gómez decided to shoot a whole bunch of the iCloud data of criminal suspects. Congress had the chance to grant the FBI people at an offi ce party in San Ber- However, the prospect of building an the legal authority to compel Apple to do nadino, killing fourteen people. A criti- entirely new version of their operat- anything and hasn’t , and that code quali- cal piece of evidence recovered from ing system every time they need to fi es as protected speech and therefore Dolphin Dies Because Tourists are one of the attackers, Syed Farook, was fulfi ll a government request is ridicu- compelling Apple to code anything would Fucking Morons their iPhone. And then the FBI got in- lous. And stupid. And dumb. Plus it be violating Apple’s First Amendment volved. completely undermines the entire rights. Apple also distances themselves Tourists are awful. They walk See, this story isn’t about the San point of having device security. The from past cases, arguing that unlike the too slowly, they take up an entire Bernadino shooting, except kind of. Af- core conceit of encryption is that it case of United States vs. New York Tele- sidewalk, they willingly buy things ter the attack, Apple provided their as- remains practically uncrackable. Ex- phone Co., a case where the government from people in Times Square, and sistance to the FBI, giving compelled the New York they really don’t understand how them advice and telling Telephone Co. to wiretap little shits most people give about them stuff they can do to. devices, Apple is too far anything. Oh, and they also kill Then the FBI, in a stroke removed from the San dolphins. Just straight up murder of what can only be called Bernadino shooting to them. An endangered baby dolphin pure governmental idi- be compelled to do any- died earlier this month in Argen- ocy, decided to try reset- thing. tina. Now, this wouldn’t be anything ting the phone’s Apple The briefi ng also details more than that if it weren’t for the ID, which will not help the ridiculous amount of fact that people pulled the dol- you a) get into the phone time it would take to cre- phin from the water and passed it or b) get any data off the ate a hackable iOS. To around like a suffocating football phone, even though you do what the FBI wants, so they could take pictures with it. can literally fi nd a way to Apple would need to ded- Now, here’s the thing about dol- get data off the phone icate six to ten engineers phins - they live in water. And they on Apple’s support page. for between two and four need to be in the water, otherwise So now the FBI has, very weeks of basically non- they suffocate, dehydrate, then die publicly, asked Apple to stop work. Apple would horribly. And guess what? After pull- make a brand-spanking then have to create doc- ing this dolphin out of the water, new version of iOS so umentation ensuring the nobody thought that maybe putting they can check and see FFBIBI aalsolso sswitchingwitching ttoo AAndroid,ndroid, too.too. FBI knows what the fuck it back into the water was a good if there’s any stuff on the they’re doing, track ev- idea. Assholes. phone that would provide ery step of this process, info on who the attackers put the fake iOS through Policeman Kills Colleague were working with. their quality assurance To understand why the FBI needs to perts in the cybersecurity fi eld have system to make sure nothing implodes, In other, stupider news, Egyptian ask Apple this, you need to understand consistently argued against gov- test the phone at their facility to make policeman Wael El Shabrawy shot a few things about iOS. Apple, for the ernment backdoors of this nature, sure nothing gets fucked up, and then his colleague, Sergeant Emad Abdel past few years, has slowly been step- pointing out that leaving a door open delete the OS. And then redo it once the Halim twice, causing severe internal ping up their devices’ security, adding for the government means leaving a thousands of other law enforcement of- bleeding that killed Abdel Halim. He multiple layers of encryption, to the door open for everyone, including fi ces start asking Apple to break into justifi ed this by saying that Halim point that everything including health Russian and Chinese hackers, and phones they have too. What the govern- had been making unfunny Face- and fi tness, payment, and even your also that Dave from work who keeps ment is basically asking Apple to do is book posts that taunted him. Also, iMessages and FaceTime calls are yelling about bitcoin. set a legal precedent for governments to El Shabrawy had been fi red from encrypted end-to-end. The fi rst and Obviously, Apple has a vested in- compel tech companies to do whatever the police force back in 2007 for most critical layer of this encryption terest in not complying with the gov- the fuck they want. small disputes like “violating police is the device passcode. When that’s ernment’s request. In their response Even if Apple is forced to do what the FBI procedure” and “not showing up for enabled, everything on the phone is to the FBI’s court order, they argue asks, it’s likely the phone will yield noth- work” but then got re-hired in 2011 encrypted. All of it. Plus, there’s also that creating a hackable iOS would ing. The phone was owned by Farook’s after that whole Egyptian revolution the baked-in manual passcode delay. detrimentally affect all consumers, workplace, and older iCloud backups thing got underway. Prosecutors You know that thing you do that dis- plus it violates their First Amend- haven’t yielded anything so far. Addition- have had El Shabrawy detained and ables your friend’s phone for fi fteen ment rights. The government is try- ally, Farook apparently destroyed a per- have fi led premeditated murder minutes? That prevents people from ing to compel Apple using a liberal sonal phone already, so let’s guess which charges but...I mean really. This is spamming combinations until they interpretation of an incredibly vague one he was using to plan the attack. If a goldmine for us. A police offi ce fi nd the right one. Finally, there’s an statute, the All Writs Act of 1789. the FBI gets its way, though, it might not killed another police offi cer over optional feature that deletes all the Apple’s argument essentially cov- matter anymore. Facebook posts. Come on. page 8  March 2, 2016 Kesha Forced to Continue Working with Abuser by Kirsten Nolan Yep the world is a dark terrible place and death is inevitable Staff Crazy Kid who tweeted their support for her support Kesha. Thank you very much.” to get out of her contract. However, a few By now you probably know that Ke- after she was denied her injunction Kesha’s fans have also been a great public supporters of Kesha, such as Lady sha is in the middle of a complicated to record music with a different la- source of encouragement for her dur- Gaga and Kelly Clarkson, have worked with legal battle with her former music bel. Taylor Swift privately donated ing this time. A GoFundMe was set up Dr. Luke in the past. Their support for Ke- producer and collaborator, Lukasz $250,000 to Kesha and when ac- by a fan to raise the two million dollars sha shows that from their own experiences Gottwald, who is known professionally cepting her Brit Award for British needed to buy Kesha out of her con- with Dr. Luke, Kesha’s allegations have as Dr. Luke. In 2014 when she fi led a Female Artist of the Year on Febru- tract with Sony. A gaggle of fans also some merit. In fact, in Kelly Clarkson’s lawsuit against him, she accused him message of support for Kesha on Twitter of years of emotional, verbal, and sex- she blatantly says she does not like Dr. ual abuse and manipulation. In her Luke: “Trying 2 not say anything since I suit, she is seeking to void her 10-year can’t say anything nice about a person... contract with Dr. Luke and his associ- so this is me not talking about Dr. Luke.” ates, receive damages, and is looking The public support for Kesha from her for the ability to work under a differ- peers is very important to both Kesha ent label with other publishing units. and women who have survived abuse. The most recent development Yet, it is mainly women who are publi- in her legal battle came on Friday, cizing their support for Kesha. Besides February 19, when a New York Su- Troye Sivan, who took to Twitter to show preme Court judge denied Kesha’s support, and Jack Atonoff, who also request to record music outside of tweeted support for Kesha, and also of- Dr. Luke’s label, Komasabe, until fered to make and leak music with her their court case is settled. This de- until her freedom is obtained, there have cision was a devastating blow for not been many male celebrities announc- Kesha, who has outwardly said that ing their support for Kesha. It is impor- she is absolutely uncomfortable tant that many powerful people come working with Dr. Luke in any capac- together to show their support for Kesha ity. “I know I cannot work with Dr. because the more backlash and negative Luke. I physically cannot. I don’t feel attention Sony receives, the higher the safe in any way,” she stated in an possibility that they will settle the case affi davit back in September 2015. and release Kesha from her contract. Also in September 2015, she sub- People who are not showing support mitted an affi davit from the former for Kesha during this time are in a way re- CEO of Universal Music Group Distri- inforcing a society that does not believe bution, Jim Urie, who explained that women when they speak up about abuse. FFriendlyriendly rremindereminder thatthat tthehe mmusicusic without the ability to record, promote, With Kesha’s court battle being as pub- iindustryndustry iiss sshit.hit. and market new music, Kesha’s ca- licized as it is, the situation can have a reer was more or less over. “No main- major impact on society as a whole. Her stream distribution company will in- experience, which is tragic and upsetting, vest the money necessary to distribute ary 24, Adele announced her sup- gathered outside the courthouse on the may help highlight the rampant sexism songs for an artist who has fallen from port for Kesha in her acceptance 19th after her injunction was denied in the music industry. If there is anything the public eye, as is happening to Ke- speech, saying, “I’d just like to take to show Kesha that she is still loved good to come from this ugly situation, it will sha at this very moment,” Urie wrote. a quick moment to publicly thank and supported despite her legal battle. hopefully be that women are less afraid to Some celebrities are speaking out my management and my record la- Of course, Dr. Luke vehemently denies speak out against their abusers because in support of Kesha. Pop singers like bel for embracing the fact that I’m a that there is any truth to Kesha’s allega- they see that abuse can happen to anyone, Demi Lovato, Kelly Clarkson, Lorde, woman and be encouraged by it. And tions of abuse. He and his team of law- even a woman who has always seemed and Lady Gaga are among the few I’d also like to take this moment to yers argue that Kesha is simply looking so fun-loving and upbeat like Kesha. march 2, 2016 the paper page 9

Why It Is Important That We Appreciate Obama Now By Claire Nunez Let’s not fast-forward; we may not like what the future brings Opinions Co-Editor advance-- and they can pretty much nin Scalia, passed away, Republican social media. I often fi nd that my How long have the 2016 elections spend as much as they want. Yes, candidates praised the House Re- friends and I spend most of our time been going on? It feels like they there are laws that limit the amount publicans for barring Obama from showing each other political articles have been happening for years, se- of money that super PACs raise and nominating a new justice. There are we found on Twitter. It is awesome riously, years. It probably feels like how many zeros donors can write on a few things wrong with this, but oth- that we are politically aware and in- it because, well, candidates have their checks, but there are so many er than the problem with Democratic volved, but we are so caught up in been campaigning for almost a year. loopholes that allow for candidates and Republican polarization, Obama which president will be making the Ted Cruz announced his bid in late most change next, we forget that March of 2015. To other countries, we have someone in offi ce who can this length of a campaign season is make real change now. For example, absurd--- most of them do not start Bernie Sanders may seem like an until just months before. We are awesome candidate on paper, and so focused on the current state of many of us are so hyped up by his the race, we forget that our current super liberal stances on social top- president, who is sitting in the oval ics. We just want to fast-forward to offi ce at the moment, still has elev- a world where Sanders can make en months left. Yes, he has almost a these changes. Speeding up to a year. We are so obsessed with who progressive future would be amaz- our next leader will be, but why is ing, but this is not feasible. Trying to this? make President Obama’s term end In other countries around the quicker won’t necessarily get us to world, election cycles are not nearly this world of true equality any faster. as long as they are here in the U.S. We need to stop getting caught up In France, for instance, candidates in all the hype online and focus on are not allowed to publically cam- BBestest FFriendsriends don’tdon’t letlet eacheach otherother actact asas lamelame ducksducks what can be done right now. paign until a few months before the Sometimes we forget that the pres- election date. French candidates are and their campaign staff to fi nagle is in no way a lame duck president, ent matters just as much as the fu- also not allowed to exceed 49 mil- their way around the obstacles. In yet. If you’re not a political junkie, a ture and even the past. There’s that lion dollars in campaign spending France, there are very strict laws lame duck is a president who is seri- old saying that goes something like and are allotted the same amount that prevent politicians from taking ously on his way out of offi ce. This “history is now.” It would be awe- of talking time. The candidates also advantage of loopholes in the rules. will be Obama after the election in some if we could just fl ip to the next can’t just say they want to run for Here in the U.S., we have had SO November 2016. The key word in the page of our history textbooks to see president. If I were a French citizen many different candidates running past statement is after. all of the problems we face just be with the intention of running for the their campaigns in this election in Why are we so focused on who is a part of the past. This is not how presidential seat, I would have to the past few months. It is crazy. A going to make new change next if the world works. It’ll take time for garner 500 signatures from French lot of the candidates-- especially we still have eleven months with our change to occur, but we cannot just mayors before I would be eligible to on the Republican side-- have been current leader? fast-forward to November 2016, be- announce my campaign. claiming that President Obama has This is a tricky question to answer, cause Obama is not done yet. Back Our system here in the U.S. is com- 1) done nothing productive while in but I think it has a lot to do with us, in 2012, he signed up for four more pletely different. Our candidates can offi ce, and 2) cannot do anything as a young generation. No, it is not years, and I think it is only fair that start campaigning whenever they feel else, since he is pretty much done. our faults, but we defi nitely play we respect what he does for the rest like it-- even if it is one or two years in After Supreme Court Justice Anto- into the elections a lot more due to of his term. page 10 the paper march 2, 2016 Comedy Helps Young People Understand the News, Is That So Bad? By Rachel Poe Young people to know the news, and like humor, so it’s a win-win Staff Onion Admirer fails horribly at. I don’t like to talk about that). They going on in the world. But they are One of the reasons why I write for Because these types of shows don’t keep my attention and don’t make done in such a way that makes you the paper is because it’s a no bullshit see themselves as a news show in the me feel like an idiot for not knowing curious. For me, I watch these clips publication. Yeah, we fuck around same sense that CNN or Fox News what the hell is going on. Like that and since they can only provide so enough for people to question our views themselves as news shows, Scalia piece I wrote for News? Yeah, much information in their allotted credibility but our contributors are they don’t take themselves as seri- most of my baseline knowledge about timeframe, it makes me go out and actually really knowledgeable about ously. They more or less just consider that whole debacle came from seg- google shit myself. Watching these their topics underneath all that sar- themselves to be comedians who ments on both The Daily Show and shows encourage me to be informed. casm and cussing. I know that’s hard I mean, that’s kinda lame but what- to believe, sometimes I doubt it my- ever, sue me for being curious. self, but there are some pretty smart And yes, the claim can defi nitely be people writing for each issue. the made that The Daily Show and media paper isn’t that different from other like it tend to lean more to the more alternate news outlets like The Daily liberal end of the spectrum, especial- Show, The Nightly Show, or that trend- ly when it comes to social issues. But ing tab on the side of your Facebook these shows call everyone out on their page; it’s authentic. In a time where stupid shit: Republicans, Democrats, it seems that everything in the media religious nuts, nonreligious nuts, is fake, it’s refreshing for someone to men, women, everyone is fair game. be honest and just call it like it is. By being equal opportunity offenders, Up until recently, I really never cared it shows viewers that everyone fucks about the news because who the fuck up. It makes the news more real as ri- without a full time job and, like, re- diculous as that sounds. People who sponsibilities cares about the news? are in news don’t seem as untouch- It was only when I started watching WWee kknownow whatwhat we’rewe’re talkingtalking aboutabout able anymore. The Daily Show on a regular basis Probably the biggest issue, though, did I really start to care about all the that I’ve found when it comes to being shit that goes on. Watching The Daily a fan of comedy news shows, is that Show turned me onto The Nightly happen to be recounting the news. The Nightly Show. These segments no one takes you seriously. I’m not Show and other nightly talk shows They’re able to peak our interests by gave just enough information to know saying, and I hope no one else is say- and fi nally, the news didn’t seem so relating to us in a way that we can what kind of questions I should be ing, that these shows should be your boring and irrelevant. And yes, I know level with. It’s kind of like when your asking when I did my actual research only source of news. If I’ve learned that sounds horrible but how can I friend in high school gives you the for that article. And maybe that’s a anything from my countless hours of fi nd relevance in old farts spitting plot summary of that book you didn’t good thing. googling old Jon Stewart clips, it is political nonsense at me about stuff read; they get right to the point, throw Our current culture is all about don’t listen to only one opinion. Read, that happened when I was in elemen- in a couple curse words, and ta-da! keeping ourselves entertained. From watch, and listen to multiple, different tary school? It takes time for people to You’re knowledgeable just enough to stupid games on your phone to scroll- perspectives because that’s the best make the switch between pop culture pretend like you actually know what’s ing through social media, most of us way to formulate your own stance. news and the “wow terrible things going on. want our content to be quick and rela- And yeah, comedy news shows aren’t are happening” news. Comedy news I personally get a lot of my news tively mindless. This is probably what the real news because unlike the real shows are able to bridge that gap in a from watching these shows during increases the appeal of fi ve minute news, they don’t have a bunch of bias way that the mainstream news media the week (also from Facebook but long comedy segments about what’s idiots working for them. march 2, 2016 the paper page 11 The Bachelor Is Sexist and Awful, But Entertaining AF By Colleen Burns Drama is just hilarious, but it is all so fake. Don’t bother watching Staff Rose Gardener week…that was until Season twenty. I I will admit I was slightly deterred at a deceiving show in the fi rst place? Reality TV— you either are an emo- admit, I had a moment of weakness. Week three because the drama was I constantly wonder as I watched tionally dedicated fan until death For some oddly compelling reason very annoying. Again, for whatever The Bachelor why these women will- does you part or you hate it with ev- that I struggle to pinpoint (probably reason (we’ll go with boredom), I con- ingly and eagerly put themselves ery fi ber of your being. I have always boredom), I decided to start watch- tinued to watch and became invested! through this process. Are they doing it considered myself the latter. However, ing The Bachelor with the newfound I grew attachments to the girls who I for the fame? The opportunity to trav- one specifi c reality TV show has left freedom of having a Netfl ix account. thought seemed genuine and picked el? Do they really want love or merely me extremely confl icted in my own Just because I started watching this out the fake, irritating people I wanted the prospect of marrying an attractive battle of morals…The Bachelor. man? And if they do truly want love, For years, I have adamantly refused LLoveove oonn TVTV isis notnot howhow itit seems.seems. what makes them believe that this to watch The Bachelor because I could one man— a complete stranger— is never come to terms with supporting the love of their lives? On top of that, such an openly sexist show. The en- to watch the potential love of their tire premise of The Bachelor is to pit lives date and grow relationships twenty-fi ve women against each other with twenty-four other women simply to compete for a man’s love (other- seems preposterous and sadistic to wise known as a diamond engage- me…or maybe that’s the ploy of the ment ring). Oh wait, I should recognize entire show. The superfi ciality of The that the show is not completely sexist Bachelor is so blatantly ridiculous because in 2008—six years after The that it sucks viewers (like me) into Bachelor started—The Bachelorette the far-fetched scenario of the dating was born. Let me take a moment to competition. acknowledge that fl ipping genders Despite the show being wildly en- of an already sexist show does not tertaining, the not so subtle sexist make it any less discriminatory; it ac- and racist undertones of The Bach- tually makes the show MORE sexist elor and The Bachelorette cannot be for BOTH genders. While The Bach- ignored. The power of the media—in elor and The Bachelorette are very sexist, racist, societal growth stunting to go home. Why am I entertained by a this case, a simple TV show—can clearly sexist programs, many people TV show does not mean that I support reality show that is ethically wrong on greatly infl uence the minds of young- overlook the fact that they are also degrading women into manipulative so many levels?! I was puzzled. I HATE er viewers and can give them a false both incredibly racist. Throughout the pieces of a game show for entertain- this show on principle but still watch sense of relationships and reality. If twenty seasons of The Bachelor, only ment purposes, right? I reassured my- every week because I want to know people want equality in all domains one Bachelor has not been White. In self that the basic morals of humanity which girl Ben Higgins is going to kick of society, then TV shows such as, fact, The Bachelor faced a lawsuit for I hold myself to would not be endan- off next. The weird part is that as the The Bachelor and The Bachelorette, racial discrimination, but the judge gered because I was not one of those season has progressed, I’ve seen should not exist. Entertainment is not eventually ruled that the show has the women. women go home who are genuinely a good enough reason to be openly fi rst amendment right to cast whoever So, I began watching, only expecting upset, and I sympathize with them. sexist and racist—scratch that, there they want. Only since this lawsuit in to view the fi rst episode to see what When I see them cry and talk about is never a good enough reason to be 2012 did the following seasons cast has everyone talking. What I’m about their vulnerabilities, the human part sexist or racist. I for one will NOT be more contestants of color. to tell you kills a part of me deep in- of them is revealed. Why do I feel bad tuning in this Monday, and I hope you Call me crazy, but the show seemed side: I enjoyed watching The Bach- for these women when they knowingly don’t either. like a waste of a good two hours of my elor, and I kept watching each week. volunteered themselves to be on such page 12 the paper march 2, 2016 Duck Syndrome Hits College Campuses Hard By Kirsten Anastasio College means adjustment and it’s okay if that takes time Staff Reality Checker you feel the need to do the same, desperately paddling to stay afl oat. A pressed moods become concealed by Whether it’s phonetically spelling perpetuating the cycle of false valida- reoccurring phenomena, this term is aesthetically pleasing posts that per- your fi rst name, or taking the last name tion. To millennials, our constant need synonymous to UPenn’s “Penn Face.” mit these sentiments to further mani- of a celebrity, changing your Facebook to document twilit sunsets, barely Due to a demanding academic and so- fest emotional emptiness. name when applying to colleges is cus- acquainted friends, or experiences cial atmosphere, research posits that Despite that being said, I am not an tomary. In order to preserve cherished seems fl at-out ridiculous. Even musi- college students are more susceptible anti-social media activist demand- photos containing questionable drinks cians, like Jack White or Arcade Fire to this fraudulent, damaging behavior ing a return to a AOL dialup, half-ton (and people), we disguise our identi- (to name a few), advise concert-goers compared to other 18-to-21-year-olds. desktop, pigeon-carrier time. In fact, ties under pseudonyms. Ironically, not to watch performances through Perhaps this is because not having I’m a fan of artistically fi ltered grams, the ensuing result stimulates a 180 phone screens—just enjoy the fuck- your shit together does not justify bur- comical tweets, and well thought out degree shift; now, in college, our real ing concert. Is the ticket-value of see- densome tuition payments, or maybe Snapchats, because at their best, they names title our glorifi ed social media ing your favorite musician depleted if can act as self-expression. The key is accounts that we instinctively share distant friends don’t have evidence of Often times, in the not to take any of it too seriously; let upon meeting new people. it? Maybe, for some. Profi les are con- your “fi nsta” infl uence your “rinsta” Many of us approach our college stantly viewed, and therefore, continu- tradeoff of private and unfriend negativities on Facebook. years with the lurking responsibility to ally subjected to judgement, lessening Long before this madness, philosopher preserve a likeable presence online. the concern for in-person conversation. lives and public, the Jean-Jaques Rousseau emphasized While this task is no novelty, it is exac- Many, including myself, can relate to the importance of “amour de soi,” or erbated upon diving into what seems the frenetic refreshing scrolls follow- the latter wins in or- self-love, in the quest for happiness like a sea of wildly cheery, well-adjust- ing posting a photo of yourself, as if der to uphold the sta- (thank the core for this reference). Col- ed peers. Knowing this, the pressure the amount of likes you receive deter- lege doesn’t just have to be a pressure- increases to feel happy for the span of mines beauty or worth. Often times, in tus of an outwardly cooker forcing you to appear happy, “the best years of your life,” or at least the tradeoff of private lives and public, but a place where it’s actually possible to convince people that you are. It’s a the latter wins in order to uphold the perfect life - an im- with honesty and sincerity. game many of us unknowingly join and status of a outwardly perfect life— an plausible feat. Last week, I posted an Instagram of are conditioned to play. implausible feat. my half-eaten Sodexo meal and cap- In terms of social media, photos and The term “Duck Syndrome,” coined it’s just too embarrassing to admit. We tioned it “food porn.” Almost immedi- posts facilitate a cycle of misconcep- at Stanford University, denotes stu- fear the predicted disappointment that ately, I received joking texts from old tions. One high school friend’s Insta- dents who resemble this deceiving can accompany reaching out for help friends that have gotten weird since gram, documenting new friends and waterbird, appearing to painlessly since everyone else seems so much college. To this, I responded “good,” spontaneous adventures, may make glide across water while, in reality, better off. Therefore, bad, or even de- and strangely meant it. Stop Trivializing Girls’ Anger 2k16 By Melody Knight-Brown AKA don’t tell me I’m “cute” when I’m angry Opinions Co-Editor one’s anger should ever be scary and her seriously when she is angry it so she can no longer own her own Seriously, it’s 2016. I don’t under- if it is, there’s a problem. Potentially about something (or at him) even frustration. She can’t get more an- stand why this is still a thing. Guys a verbal abuse problem, probably a if he’s not frightened. Frightened is gry because you’ve taken that away. just need to stop telling girls that they problem regarding an unequal power not something either party should You’ve stole her power to be angry by are “cute” when they’re angry or that dynamic. Defi nitely it is something feel in a healthy relationship. I’m telling her she is something to laugh they, the guys, can’t take girls seri- you might want to work on if you plan just talking about respect here. at or something to disregard rather ously when they’re angry. on remaining in contact with said per- Both parties should have enough than something to be taken seriously. It’s condescending. It’s demeaning. son. respect for one another to acknowl- So, the only thing left to do is to swal- It’s patronizing. It’s dismissive. It’s edge the legitimacy of they other’s low that anger and now she’s learned sexist. feelings. The girl for the guy and the to be quiet, learned to not speak up It’s a way for guys to assert domi- All of it discredits guy for the girl but here, I’m specifi - when she’s upset, learned to not have nance over girls by telling them either and delegitimizes the cally talking about guys respecting a voice. that their problems are so small and girls’ anger, because it’s not diffi - And don’t you dare try telling me it’s insignifi cant that it’s comical or that girl’s anger... cult for guys to have their feelings not sexist. I challenge you to fi nd a guy they, girls, are too small/weak/etc., to validated whereas girls constantly who has said this to another guy or pose any signifi cant threat and thus, and consistently have their feel- a girl who has said this to a guy. You are “cute” when they stamp their little And this has nothing to do with ings blown off. She’s too dramatic. won’t be able to fi nd one because it feet and throw their little temper tan- whether or not the guy is bigger or She’s sooo emotional. Oh, it’s just just doesn’t happen. Or if it does hap- trum. smaller than the girl. If you’re boy- hormones. Maybe it’s that time of pen, it’s done jokingly or as a oddly I’m not staying that guys should be friend is special forces 7’3 master of the month. She’s just overracting. misguided attempt at fl irting, which is scared of girls. Or that girls should 23 different martial arts who could She’s so cute, I just can’t take her also not the point. This is something be intimidating when they’re angry. kill you with his eyes closed, two seriously. that is seriously done almost exclu- That’s not the point. Guy’s anger hands tied behind his back, and hop- All of it discredits and delegiti- sively by guys to girls who dare to be shouldn’t be frightening either. No ping on one foot, he should still take mizes the girl’s anger and makes upset about anything. march 2, 2016 the paper page 13

the paper’s view the paper’s Platform Pro-life or Pro-Choice? Well, it’s offi cial! As an entity, the paper, is running for President Actually, we are very pro-death. After all, death is inevitable. of the United States. the paper is seeking the nomination for the Trans- humanist Party. This is an actual minor political party in the United Marriage Equality? States. Google it. I’ll wait. Love isn’t real so ALL marriages, same-sex or not, are banned. So, what would possess a school newspaper to declare candidacy for the Executive Branch? Easy. The 2016 election. If you’ve been fol- lowing along, you may have noticed that this year, the POTUS election Environmental Policy? is a huge mess. This election is breaking all of the rules and is full of sur- To combat global warming, we will forbid the Jesuits from setting prises. Thus, this is the perfect time for lizards disguised as literal paper the world on fi re. and ink to jump into the race. Is this Constitutional, you may ask? Well, yes. You see, if you pick up a copy of THE ORIGINAL Constitution and hold it up to natural Foreign Policy? sunlight, you’ll see a secret amendment transcribed in between the lines. Cthulhu has a plan to invade Alpha Centauri, destabilize their gov- This secret amendment states: ernment, promote ethnic confl ict, and take over their oil fi elds. “All lizards, even those in the guise of college student journalism, are eligible to seek the offi ce of the President of the United States. The Con- Education? gress shall have the power to enforce this article by appropriate legisla- To cut down cost to the taxpayers, we will implement an “Every tion. This amendment may not be repealed.” Child Gets Left Behind” policy. In the next column, the paper has published its platform and on the back cover, the paper has generously provided information on its (po- Gun Control? tential) running mate: Cthulhu. If you’re wondering, yes, Cthulhu does We’re going to straight up pee on the Second Amendment, but in have a Hulu account. the paper though, streams Netfl ix. a sexy way ;) With this new ticket vying for the Presidency, there’s just so many candidates to choose from. Hence, why it is important to VOTE! Not only will voting in primaries narrow down the fi eld, but with more votes, Gum Control? the process is more democratic. Also, let’s face it. The extremists are the With our health care policy, everyone will get a live-in dentist. only one’s who are voting right now, so until the more moderate vot- ers come in, the next president could be as big a fundamentalist as ISIS. So, please, go to rockthevote.org and register. Then, in November, vote. Economy? Considering the fact that many people around the world can’t vote and We’re reverting back to a barter system, so the national currency that even today, some U.S. citizens have trouble voting, this is a right that will be Bart Simpson action fi gures. should not be taken for granted. So, vote. Hopefully for the paper. XOXO, SioImmigration? We will pour cement into our hollow Earth to prevent the mole people from entering our great nation and stealing our jobs.

Selective Service For Women? Hmmm...... brb, let us see what the focus group thinks.

Civil Rights? Wait, really, is this still a problem? Did racism not end? Shit.

Bono Awareness? Yes, we are VERY aware of Bono. Maybe too aware. page 14 the paper march 2, 2016 The Presidential Debates Need To Be More Than Entertaining by Nick Peters Seriously, stop paying attention to them, you’re encouraging them Staff Political Dude scary. Now, people are not watching debate. By many, the Democratic what they think of another candi- The presidential debates are a huge the debate for information, they are debates are considered snooze-fests date’s view on a subject. Usually the part of our nation’s politics. It’s when watching to see the funny aspects of because nothing entertaining re- other candidate is someone the fi rst we see multiple candidates duke it it, or worse yet, not watching it at all ally happens— sans Bernie Sander’s candidate opposes the most; so, it’s out, debating with each other about and waiting for the news sites to pub- rants. It was a much more discussion not great when the presenters try to policy issues ranging over broad top- lish a compilation video the next day. based, with little mudslinging. Bernie entice the debaters into mudsling- ics in politics. However, recently, Yet, the current debates on each and Hillary Clinton, and even Martin ing, into shouting matches, and into these political debates have be- side do have their own problems, and O’Malley when he was there, rarely verbal arguments. The presenters come something else; something not that involves the candidates them- attacked each other on anything be- also usually focus only on the more viewed to inform citizens on a candi- selves. The Republican candidates sides policy. The candidates were famous and popular candidates. date’s stance, but to provide enter- have been known to be very catty to- civil to each other, and didn’t criticize They constantly ask them questions, tainment value to the mass audience. wards each other, and they have to do each other on a personal level. Boy, especially questions more attuned to They are no longer used as a way for anything to get ahead, as there was was this a disappointment to many them, while asking vague policy ques- the many news channels to provide tions to lesser known candidates. a good discourse in politics, but in- The presenters bar other candidates stead as a means of entertainment. from allowing themselves to impress We basically watch to see all of the America and the political community, bickering that happened and funny because we are constantly seeing the moments in a bite sized format. same candidates talking. It is also If you check most news sites (but apparent in how the debate is set up, usually the bigger names like CNN, as usually the popular candidates are Fox, and MSNBC—you catch my drift), in the center, and the less popular they would have a multitude of ar- candidates are pushed off to the side. ticles covering the debate. However, If you look at any debate, you can tell their coverage would not focus on the that the candidates who are making headlines are directly in the middle These debates should of your screen, to draw in your gaze, framing them as the “important” can- be events where didates, while the rest are off to the side and sometimes even not visible. Americans come to- For me, this is why I loved Jim Webb’s anger in the democratic debates, as gether to be informed he constantly questioned the present- about all of the candi- er wanting to focus on Hillary and Ber- nie and occasionally Martin O’Malley, dates in their respec- and not him or Lincoln Chaffee. It was so true. The media really infl u- tive parties, in order ences who we focus on and it is sick to choose who they that we cannot make our own judge- AAlas,las, ppooroor YYorik!orik! I thoughtthought AmericanAmerican politicspolitics werewere betterbetter tthanhan tthis!his! ments without news outlet’s need for want to run as a can- higher ratings. This current trend with presidential didate for the presi- a vast amount of them. There were who expected an angry Bernie Sand- debates is awful. Presidential de- like 15 or something that is INSANE. ers to go off on an entertaining rant. bates should not be something you dent in their party. Because there are so many of them, They instead, boosted each other up watch just to be entertained. To see they would practice the very adult-like for being pretty much on the exact who is yelling at whom and what funny issues discussed; but instead, they political move of mudslinging. The same page. thing is happening is not the correct would focus on what was entertain- mudslinging is for a mass audience, The presenters themselves are an- way to pick a candidate. These de- ing. Do you, remember the fi rst Re- it’s pretty much a reality show. other huge problem in the debates. bates should be events where Ameri- publican debate? Because I remem- Trump was one of the worst offend- The questions they ask are designed cans come together to be informed ber the one thing about it that struck ers on the grand stage, as many were to push and probe the candidates, about all of the candidates in their me the most: a “Best Moments of the watching the debates just to see what and try to cause confl icts on stage. respective parties, in order to choose Debate” video, which framed the de- Trump would do. His aggressive mud- In the fi rst debate, they asked Hill- who they want to run as a candidate bate in a way that made it appear that slinging and anti-Politically correct na- ary about her email scandal, in or- for the president in their party. It’s a it was just bickering and yelling at ture drew many in. People wanted to der to incite criticism from the other presidential debate, it’s for the high- each other. It made the debate seem see Trump’s machinations, because it debaters, which Bernie shut down est, most-esteemed role in American like it was pure comedy. Granted, provides entertainment value. This is pretty amazingly by pretty much say- government, and it should not be there were funny moments in the de- why the Republican debate was gener- ing: “who cares?” The moderators seen as basically low-brow entertain- bate, but to frame a debate like this is ally viewed more than the Democratic also keep asking other candidates ment. march 2, 2016 the paper page 15

Two Men’s Worst Idea Ever, Many People’s Enjoyment by Adam Hamilton No pain, no entertainment, eh? Staff Think Tank company, and stars many of the usual kick. Every week they celebrate “Patty 2 does not hold up, and the absurdity Listening to The Worst Idea of All suspects that you would expect to see Schwartz Party time” and follow the of that made it absolutely hilarious to Time podcast may in fact be one of the in a Sandler fi lm. It was poorly reviewed real life celebrity antics of Miley Cyrus’ watch. I anticipated every clunky prat- best. This New Zealand-based podcast but released to commercial success, on-again off-again boyfriend. Though fall, every sexist joke, and every ex- is a series of weekly half hour movie re- earning $247 million on an $80 mil- dated the insight of two New Zealand ample of abusively awful parenting and views—the catch? It’s the same movie lion budget. Guy and Tim spend their comics who don’t follow American ce- loved every second. Guy and Tim take a every week. Comedians Guy Montgom- time trying to draw some sort of ar- lebrity gossip is intriguing. My person- perverse pleasure in sharing their pain ery and Tim Batt recently fi nished their tistic message from what is basically al favorite bit is the “Steve Buscemi by bringing on the occasional guest, saga of watching the Adam Sandler Sandler cashing a check. Mystery Tour,” Guy and Tim’s attempt usually another kiwi comic, and having classic Grown Ups 2 every week for a them pitch the movie. Guy Montgom- year and reviewing it immediately after- WWho’sho’s rreadyeady fforor GrownGrown UpsUps 365?365? ery takes a month long sabbatical to wards, only to start right up again with Europe in the middle of fi lming and the another movie for the next year. Their two are forced to watch Grown Ups 2 conclusion? It is terrible. Absolutely alone, then fi lm together over Skype. gobsmackingly and startlingly terrible. Those were some dark episodes. They The plot does not hold up, characters released a drinking game (you fi nish are introduced left and right, and the your drink and the next one of you confl ict stops and starts erratically. But genuinely laugh) as well as live audio we all knew that coming in. The humor commentary. of TWIAT comes not from making fun The ultimate conclusion to The Worst of what can objectively be considered Idea of All Time involves our plucky pod- a bad movie, that ground gets covered casters crowd funding their way for a pretty thoroughly in the fi rst few weeks live reading in Los Angeles of the script. of the show, but from the sheer endur- After discovering that there was a mar- ance that it takes for our protagonists ket for their product they decided that to watch that type of movie again and the show must go on. A few months ago again. they ended the fi rst run after watching I discovered the podcast late into Grown Ups 2 fi fty-two times in as many the fi rst series run, about 30 weeks weeks. They immediately jumped back into Guy and Tim’s endeavor. Guy and The Worst Idea of All Time is more to guess why Steve Buscemi’s charac- on the bandwagon and are now pro- Tim insist that you do whatever you than a review, it is a living diary. Tim ter was injured in the original Grown ducing their second show: Sex and The possibly can to avoid having to watch and Guy chronicle their evolving per- Ups, given only the two clues are that City 2. Currently ranked 15% on Rotten Grown Ups 2 labeling it a movie with- sonal philosophies and interpretations he was trapped keeping his arms at a Tomatoes the movie sequel to the hit out a script. The reward was one of the of the movie. They try to make their ninety degree angle and that he still HBO show should prove to be equally best movie watching experiences that I own fun as they insist upon a few regu- has a 40% feeling loss over his entire as funny as the show’s fi rst run. Now have ever had. I had never seen either lar bits each week, even as painful as body. They do not know what caused it I have never seen either Sex and the of the Grown Ups movies, but I do know it is to continue to draw from the same because they have never actually seen City movie, though I have watched the Adam Sandler. In many ways this pod- tired well. They love “Patty Schwartz,” the fi rst Grown Ups. fi rst few (3) seasons of the show, and I cast acts as a critique of Hollywood. Patrick Schwarzenegger, the son of Ar- After listening to 52 episodes, don’t plan on watching them until Tim The movie was produced by Happy nold, and his goofy minor role as Taylor amounting to over thirty hours total, I and Guy hit their 40th viewing. Madison, Adam Sandler’s production Lautner’s—the fi lm’s antagonist—side- fi nally watched the movie. Grown Ups page 16 the paper march 2, 2016 Originality Is Dead...Well, Maybe Not Quite Events by Claire Nunez What? Dancehall is evolving! What: Fordham Flea Mar- Opinions Editor somewhere well, tropical. Trop house is technology overall, we constantly feel Whenever I talk to my mom about my slightly different in that it includes a lot the need to prove ourselves. We have ket cool new white Converse high tops or more electronic sounds and more mu- the severe desire to show our parents, Where: McGinley 2nd my fancy high-waisted dark-wash jeans, sic editing, because that is how most of our grandparents, aunts, uncles— Floor my mom always says that fashion from our music is now. It also incorporates pretty much anyone who is older than th decades past will always come back. some elements from deep house, a us – that we have lots of artistic ideas When: Fri. Mar. 4 , 4:00 History, fashion, TV, and music all ba- genre created in the 80’s which is a that are new and exciting. I am not de- P.M. to 8:00 P.M. sically repeat themselves. Sure, they little jazzy. nying that we do have these incredible How Much: FREE are revamped in some ways, but for Okay so what is wrong with trop ideas; I am just saying that they did not the most part, they have not changed house copying dancehall and deep necessarily come from us. We were in- Why: There’s free food, at all. It is hard to come up with origi- house? It is not really that awful, it is fl uenced by the music created by our music, and absolutely no nal content or ideas, since you can only just the fact that most young people parents’ generation. If I had to guess, fl eas. Also, you can fuel change something SO do not know the history behind this most of you reading this have found our capitalistic economy much, but why do we yourself sitting in the have to make it all our EEverythingverything sstartstarts some-some- closet of your mom or while being sustainable by own? This is the case wwhere.here. dad’s childhood bed- buying stuff. especially with music. room sifting through Genres die and then old CDs, 8-tracks, or What: Gamers United are reborn and artists records, reading their Super Smash Bros. for Wii always feel the need old school books, or U Tournament to make a new genre, fl ipping through pho- to make the industry to albums to admire Where: Hughes C04A and “evolve,” but in all the style choices. It’s C04B honesty, these artists not a bad thing; it is When: Fri. Mar. 11th, 6:30 are just copying past actually a great thing. musicians. Taking inspiration P.M. The other day I went from the past to cre- How Much: FREE to watch a taping of ate something new Why: Where else will you The Tonight Show with and novel for today’s Jimmy Fallon with two listeners is some- be able to make Pikachu of my friends. The thing that we can all zap Mario and then throw musical guest was come to admire. It is him off a cliff? Kygo, a 24 year-old not like we are bla- DJ from Norway. As tantly copying past What: Cinevents: Clueless the crew was setting generations’ music Where: Keating 1st Audi- up the stage, Jimmy or fashion, I mean torium was taking questions sometimes we are, from the audience. but it is okay. We do When: Mon. Mar. 7, 9:00 One raspy-voiced, not need to wince ev- P.M., Thurs. Mar. 10, 9:00 middle-aged woman ery time our mother P.M. asked who Kai-go was. Jimmy said that so-called new genre. We always think fl ips the radio to play a song that she Kygo was an artist who primarily makes that we are so innovative, when in fact heard at her prom. We need to attri- How Much: FREE music in the Tropical House genre. we are not. Most of the new trends bute who our inspiration came from Why: Seeing a movie in Questlove chimed in and described that high school and college students and admire older music more. It is im- theaters usually costs you Trop House pretty much as dancehall. are obsessed with are just stolen from portant that we acknowledge that we A fan from the back row yelled out a another generation. Trop house incor- did not just get our new ideas for music between $12-18. So why gasp and a loud “NO!” and Questlove porating elements from these older from ourselves alone. not go see one for free? just kind of shrugged it off with an at- genres is not necessarily a horrible Tropical house is something that is titude of “think what you want to think, thing— artists and DJs who create trop decently new…artists just took some- but I’m right.” house edits make some really neat thing older and transformed it into For those of you that are not familiar songs that are very different from what something that is new and exciting to with dancehall, it is a genre that de- other edits make. young listeners. Maybe Questlove was veloped in the 1970s in Jamaican pop It is not the artists, but the listeners. right in the respect that trop house mu- music. Dancehall is pretty much a fu- The girl in the back row of Jimmy Fal- sic is essentially dancehall, but that sion between reggae and roots music. lon’s theatre was a little too overzeal- doesn’t mean that young artists did Both trop house and dancehall feature ous when it came to Kygo and tropical not shake it up and make it their own. a lot of acoustic elements as well as house music in general. As a genera- sounds you would hear on an island or tion obsessed with social media and march 2, 2016  page 17 Spending a Day at the New York City Ballet by Colleen Burns Dances, stances, and far too much clapping. Shows Staff Prima Ballerina in 1991, this performance seemed performance opened with one balle- “If dance were any easier, it would be to embody elements of classic ballet rina being blindfolded by another. The What: Charly Bliss,Fern called football.” This quote entered the while also being upbeat and overall fi rst half of Jeux entailed her struggle Mayo, and Sister James merchandising business in response to leaving the audience with a feeling of (as she is blindfolded) while a differ- the gender discriminating stereotype happiness. The standout component ent dancer who the audience can only Where: Rodrigue’s Cof- that dance is not a real sport. Now, the of Ash was the costume design. Each assume is her signifi cant other is off fee House quote can be found on t-shirts, sweat- dancer was color coordinated with his dancing with another woman. While When: Fri. Mar. 4th, 8:00 shirts, sweatpants, bags, blankets, or her male/female counterpart, which blindfolded, another dancer reaches mugs, or pretty much any customizable made the entire performance more ap- to comfort her, only to fall in love with P.M. item. This paraphernalia empowers pealing when the choreography mixed her. At the end of the performance, How Much: FREE dancers to rightly show off their abili- and matched the different dancers. she no longer wears the blindfold but Why: Go to the show and ties and the true athleticism of dance, The second performance, This Bitter instead places it over the eyes of her something I fi rsthand witnessed at the Earth, was an entirely different expe- new love interest, playing to the bitter- support Rodrigues! Fun! New York City Ballet. rience. Featuring only two principle sweet experience of being blinded by What: Kabarett The New York City Ballet fi rst began dancers, the performance was much love. Whether the ballerina could see Where: Collins Audito- in 1933 with Lincoln Kirstein, who more emotional as the choreography through the blindfold or not (let’s be dreamed of creating a new real, she probably could) rium and modern ballet school is not important because When: Mar. 3rd to 6th, 8:30 taught by the best of the the message was still ex- P.M., 2:00 P.M. on 6th best ballet masters, and cellently portrayed. The fi - George Balanchine, the nal performance, Paz de la How Much: $10 man who could help make Jolla, was the perfect way Why: Kabarett is a great Kirstein’s vision come to end the ballet because play that is worth seeing. true. Today, the New York it included 18 dancers The Mimes always put on City Ballet makes up the JJustust dancedance posi-posi- fl awlessly executing leaps, largest dance company in ttions?ions? I thinkthink not.not. arabesques, pirouettes, a good performance and America with around 90 and all those other fancy should once again do a dancers in addition to 350 French names for cool bal- aspiring dancers enrolled let moves. The standout standout job. in The School of Ameri- component of this perfor- What: Firewalker, I.C.E., can Ballet, the New York mance was the lighting, as Claim, Acrylics, Krime- City Ballet’s offi cial school. it helped convey the beach True to its mission statement, I excit- almost paralleled a cross between scenes along with the rough and dan- watch edly watched the company of dancers contemporary dance and ballet. The gerous waves of the ocean. Where: The Silent Barn “preserve the ballets, dance aesthetic, standout component of Ash was set- From beginning to end the New York When: Sun. Mar. 6th, 8:00 and standards of excellence created ting the dance to an inspirational and City Ballet was amazing and should def- and established by its founders” while moving remix of Dinah Washington’s initely be on your list of secretly touristy P.M. developing “new work that draws on This Bitter Earth and Max Richter’s On but not too touristy things to do in the How Much: $10 the creative talents of contemporary the Nature of Daylight. In the third per- city. The only complaint I had was the Why: Four bands for the choreographers and composers, and formance, I continued to be amazed by amount of clapping…no I’m serious! speaks to the time in which it is made.” the variety of ballet. The Infernal Ma- After every performance, the curtain price of one! What a The program I saw on February 21st chine was slightly sinister as the Play- raises so the audience can clap, and deal! consisted of fi ve smaller performanc- bill described the two dancers as a rep- the dancers can receive recognition. What: Jamie Roberts Sun- es—Ash, This Bitter Earth, The Infernal resentation of a “great self-suffi cient The audience claps for all the dancers Machine, Jeux, and Paz de la Jolla. All machine eternally in motion for no par- of that specifi c performance, then only day Night Live fi ve performances were uniquely dif- ticular reason.” The “machine” or pair the supporting dancers, and then the Where: New York Com- ferent and entertaining while demon- of dancers was monster-like with spo- main dancers individually—that’s nor- edy Club strating the real athleticism of dance. radic and random movements, leaving mal and appropriate. However at what I th Before reviewing the separate perfor- me to conclude that the standout com- thought was the end of all the clapping, When: Sun. Mar. 6 , 9:00 mances, I should be clear that I know ponent of The Infernal Machine was main principle dancers would come out P.M. little to nothing about ballet techniques the choreography itself. from behind the curtain not once, but How Much: $19 and styles—shoutout to my preschool After a short intermission, the fourth twice and sometimes even three times dance teacher who told me I had too performance began. I found Jeux to be for more applause! Sure, “if dance Why: Everybody’s got a much energy for ballet—and that this my favorite one, as the standout com- were any easier, it would be called foot- laughin’ place. Perhaps review is simply my reaction. ponent was the storyline. Jeux con- ball,” but that does not equate fi fteen this is yours? The fi rst performance, Ash, show- sisted of four main dancers and ten minutes of clapping. cased one lead couple and four pairs supporting dancers dressed in modern of demi-soloists. Originally premiered day business casual work clothes. The page 18 the paper march 2, 2016 Harper Lee: Passed, But Never Forgotten by Matthew Whitaker She may not be with us anymore, but her infl uence lives on. Arts Editor town, much like Scout in To Kill a Mock- bird. After major revisions were made, Many questioned whether Lee, who On February 19th, 2016, Nelle Harp- ingbird. Her father was a lawyer and a To Kill a Mockingbird was published on was eighty-nine years old at the time, er Lee passed away at the age of eighty- member of the Alabama State Legisla- July 11th, 1960 to critical acclaim and was mentally able to have made the nine. Lee was best known for being the ture. Before Lee was born, her father widespread readership. Pleased with decision to publish this novel; however, writer of the Pulitzer Prize-winning To had defended two African-Americans the success of the novel, Harper Lee Lee was described by her lawyer as be- Kill a Mockingbird, which is considered in a murder trial, though both of the retreated from the public eye until her ing “happy as hell” to publish it. a classic in American literature. The men were hanged despite his best ef- passing in 2016. Throughout her lifetime, Lee re- novel was based on many of her expe- forts. Lee’s father served as the inspi- After publishing To Kill a Mocking- ceived numerous awards and honors. riences growing up in the small South- ration for the character, Atticus Finch, bird, Lee spent time assisting her life- In 1966, President Lyndon B. Johnson ern town of Monroeville, Alabama. It in To Kill a Mockingbird. During Lee’s long friend, Truman Capote, with his appointed Lee to the National Council deals with the issue of racism towards high school years, she developed an novel, In Cold Blood, which became on the Arts. President George W. Bush African-Americans, something Lee saw interest in English literature, though a best-selling novel. Lee also began awarded Lee the Presidential Medal fi rsthand in her hometown during her she went on to study law in college. working on a new novel, The Long of Freedom in 2007 for her work and youth. In addition, the novel also por- She eventually dropped out of college Goodbye, though it was never fi nished. its effect on American culture. In ad- trays the issues of social inequality, the and moved to New York City to follow During an appraisal of Lee’s assets in dition, she was awarded the National existence of good and evil, moral edu- her dream of becoming a writer. Lee 2014, her lawyer found the manuscript Medal of Art by President Barrack cation, and loss of innocence, just to struggled for a time, working as an air- of Lee’s unpublished Go Set a Watch- Obama in 2010. Lee passed away in name a few. Lee lived a wonderful life line reservation agent and writing in man. The unpublished manuscript her sleep on the morning of February both before and after publishing To Kill her spare time. In 1956, her friends was actually the fi rst version of To Kill a 19th, 2016. Though Nelle Harper Lee a Mockingbird and left an everlasting Michael Martin Brown and his wife, Joy, Mockingbird, which portrayed the main has passed, her legacy lives on, as To impact on both American literature and gave Lee an astonishing Christmas gift. character, Scout, as a young woman Kill a Mockingbird has become a staple culture as a whole. They offered to fi nancially support her rather than a child. Lee published in American literature and will continue Nelle Harper Lee was born in Mon- for a year so she could focus entirely on Go Set a Watchman in 2015, causing to be read for decades to come. roeville, Alabama on April 28th, 1926. writing. With the added time, Lee was much controversy over its shocking She was the youngest of four children able to complete the fi rst manuscript of character differences of the beloved and grew up as a tomboy in this small what would become To Kill a Mocking- lawyer, Scout’s father, Atticus Finch. Moving Museums: Whitney Out, Met Breuer In by Michael Sheridan Can’t let a building stay empty. Features and Lists Editor Yet the building resisted this trend with ditional, digital, and performance art. is the fi rst of its kind for Mohamedi, Some changes have come to the a style that is perhaps unique to this One exhibition that is currently getting which makes the Met Breuer just that New York Museum world, with ever one single building. Thus, art lovers the most press is Unfi nished Thoughts much more unique. more coming in the future. A little and New Yorkers in general were ex- Left Visible. The exhibition shows art- I would highly encourage everyone less than a year ago, the Whitney Mu- cited to discover that the space would works from periods all the way from to go to the Museum after its opening. seum of American Art moved. This was continue to house art work—just the art the Renaissance to the modern day; Museum openings are exceptionally highly unusual, as Museums, espe- owned by a different museum. however all of the art is unfi nished. rare, especially museums of this cali- cially established museums such as The Metropolitan Museum of Art an- Whether intentional or not, the fi gures ber. The Met has put a lot of resources the Whitney, exist in buildings almost nounced back in 2015 that the Met are missing faces, legs, arms, and ev- into this building, guaranteeing that it as iconic as the museums’ collections had purchased the building. At the erything in-between, revealing insights will be a treat for art lovers of all kinds. themselves. However the museum has current museum, the museum always into the artistic process. The inclusion Even if modern art isn’t your favorite, greatly increased in size and popularity did not give its modern and contempo- of artwork from all artistic periods if you have a free afternoon, the mu- since it was originally founded in 1930. rary art collection justice. The galleries shows how this museum will be differ- seum is defi nitely worth checking out. The Whitney Museum is now housed were small, confusingly laid out, and ent. Because the museum has access The museum is located on Madison in a recently constructed building in located in an isolated back corner of to the Met’s vast encyclopedic collec- and 75th (near the Met’s main build- Chelsea. With views of the highline, the the museum. Thus, the Met planned tion of art, it can include artwork from ing), and while the Met has not yet re- space is much larger, allowing for more to use the new building as a space to all periods, comparing aspects of art leased the price of admission, it will galleries and places for research and better display their contemporary art. that a visitor might not have previously most likely be a recommended fee of education. The Met Breuer building will be the considered. $12. Rumors buzzed around New York third location for the Met, along with The Museum also plans to promote over the fate of its old building. The the main building and the Cloisters, diversity. Currently, the majority of art- building is a modern masterpiece, which houses some of the Museum’s ists whose works are placed in muse- designed by Marcel Breuer in 1963. medieval collection. The building ums are white males. The museum Breuer designed the building so that opens to the general public on March hopes to be more inclusive. For exam- it would be a stark contrast to the In- 18 (it opens early for Museum Mem- ple, the Met Breuer is planning a major ternational Style of architecture which bers between March 8-13). retrospective on the works of Nasreen dominated New York throughout the Already, several exhibitions are Mohamedi, who is not only female, but 1950s all the way to the late 1980s. planned for the space, featuring tra- is ethnically Indian. This retrospective march 2, 2016 the paper page 19 Fuller House Is Emptier in Quality Than The Original Series by Siobhan Donahue “The third episode didn’t hook me.” Co-Editor-In-Chief DJ. (She’s DJ Tanner! Get it? Because move out so Ramona can move into his conclusion she did in season eight, Death is inevitable, so please do not she is so inconsiderate, she stole her old room. Here’s where the logic falls episode twelve of Full House. Again, no waste your time on Fuller House. On sister’s name). Yet, for the rest of the apart. Tommy, the baby, has his own development whatsoever. There’s one February 26th, the anticipated sequel season, she has no money, so D.J. has room, much like Michelle did when she episode where D.J. beats up a Mexican to the mistake that was Full House, to pay for everything. Last, this show was a baby. See, in a rational world, wrestler. There’s another one where made its debut on Netfl ix, sans Olsen should not have been greenlit. Tommy’s crib would be in D.J.’s room Stephanie references weed brown- twins. Was it terrible? You got it, dude! The show continues its tradition of and then when he’s older, he can move ies. That’s all. The writers waste the Before Fuller House started stream- only potential on this show: the kids. ing, the cast kept saying in inter- TThishis househouse isis fullerfuller withwith gov-gov- Since the creatives behind this mon- views that the show was “for the eernmentrnment secrets.secrets. strosity decided that the Full House fans.” What they meant was “we’re characters would not develop past just going to make meta references what they were when Full House end- for six hours because we’re too lazy ed, all the hope is in the new char- to write an actual show with things acters in Fuller House. However, Net- like a plot and character develop- fl ix would rather we watch a fi fty-fi ve ment.” To be fair, the original Full year old Joey still play around with a House went eight seasons without stupid puppet than focus on the obvi- any personal growth for the charac- ous emotional problems which Jack- ters, so honestly, there was no rea- son is going through. Also, everyone son for anyone to have high hopes. keeps breaking into a very stereo- The very fi rst episode starts off with typical white person dance routine a shot of baby Michelle, because, every other episode. They need to as one will realize thirteen episodes stop that. They also need to get rid of later, the Fuller House cast and Fernando-Kimmy’s on and off again crew are very bitter that the Olsen husband. (Not a joke.) Seriously, he’s twins avoided this train wreck. Seri- a walking caricature of a Latino. His ously, half of the “jokes” were about characteristics are almost as racist how Ashley (whose middle name is as the use of a slur against the Roma Fuller, coincidently) and Mary-Kate (which was uttered in episode fi ve). have better things to do. D.J. is now Overall, this show is terrible and a widow because in the Tanner fam- corny. I also think the producers are ily, a spouse dies after the third trying to get Jodie Sweetin a sing- kid. To help raise her three sons- ing career based on the fact that Jackson, thirteen, Max, seven, and never having continuity ever. They even in with Max. However, we viewers have Stephanie is now the new Uncle Jesse. Tommy, one-her sister Stephanie and messed up the set by having Nicky and to deal with Jackson’s complaining for (Spoiler alert: she sucks.) Look, I un- best friend Kimmy (with her teenage Alex’s old room magically switch sides thirty minutes, so the joke’s on us. Just derstand everyone loves nostalgia, but daughter, Ramona) move into Danny’s of the attic. Also, for two seconds in the kidding, this show has no jokes. Also, please rewatch the original Full House old house. (I’m assuming people know fi rst episode, Danny has a new wife. We I still can’t get over the fact that all of as a sane, rational person and not as a what Full House is. If not, don’t bother never see her again. I don’t even know the adult characters now have amazing little kid. You’ll see how that show was reading this article). This is a terrible her name. The show is also devoid of careers despite being terirble at their terribly written and the characters were deal for D.J. First of all, Stephanie and logic. For example, Jackson is forced to jobs in the original series. obnoxious and understand why Fuller Kimmy run off to the club, leaving D.J. share a room with Max, so the produc- The show also has no real plot. Just House was a terrible idea. The only sav- to watch the kids, nulling the point of ers can reuse an old plotline of a kid stupid mini-confl icts which lead to fl im- ing grace? The show is getting a lot of them being there. Second of all, in running away after switching rooms. sy resolutions. D.J. sort of has a plot bad reviews, so we may be spared of a the pilot, Stephanie is a world famous (See, the pilot for Full House). He has to going on, but she reaches the same Fullest House. page 20 the paper March 2, 2016 Planning your spring break with the paper! Bavaria

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goats. Too many goats. We’re all gonna The Future of Memerica the American people after they learned BY the time traveler staff die. Too many goats. Oh god, why? Too by Not a Normie that Kanye doesn’t really appear Congrats for making it to Leap Year many goats. Thanks, Monsanto. Too Today is April 20th, 2020, known to regularly on Keeping Up with the Kar- 2016! Do you remember what you were many goats. NOT THE BABY!! UH OH! Memericans as National Meme Appre- dashians. After an eventful term from doing this time four years ago? Oh god, Too many goats. The future smells like ciation Day. Four years ago, President President Trump, the general IQ of the do you even want to know? While his- shit. Too many goats. Please, stop hav- Donald Trump, lover of memes, was nation will decreased by twenty points, tory certainly can teach us a few things, ing kids. Too many goats. Let’s drop a elected and initiated his economic so now the country believes that only it’s the future we really care about! Our bomb. Too many goats. Fuck, we did policy. His economic policy called for reality TV stars who are famous for be- question this week: what will the world this wrong. Too many goats. Nuclear investment in the growing dank meme ing famous can be president. The main look like by Leap Year 2020? war. Too many goats. Not enough market, which stimulated our economy goals of the Kim K-West’s campaign boars. Too many goats. No more family, beyond imaginable levels. Soon, the are to decrease the national Kanye def- Sparkly Utopia no more friends. Too many goats. This streets were paved with gold and all icit, provide free Kylie Jenner lip kits, by She Doesn’t Even Go Here is how the world ends. Too many goats. normies were sent to jail. Our glori- and to leave the internet permanently In four years, there will be no more Trump 2016 ous President renamed the country broken. #KimK2020! poverty, the air will be clean, crime will by You Were Warned Memerica and built his great wall, dec- Attack of the Cuddles just stop, the world will be at peace, In four years, Trump will have taken orated it with memes, which encour- by Claire Nunez and everyone will be happy. Volca- over the country as the nation’s next aged foreigners to legally immigrate Four years is a loooooong time, kin- noes will erupt glitter, tornadoes will da. I don’t know where the world will be made of rainbows, and hail will be TTacocatacocat iiss a PPalindrome!alindrome! be by then. We will probably be over- lollipops and gumdrops. The ocean will taken by cats by then— like that island be soda. Clouds are cotton candy. Ice off of mainland Japan where cats out- cream and candy will be free. Unicorns number people fi ve to one. That would will be our main form of transporta- be pretty cool, unless you’re allergic to tion. Alarm clocks will be replaced with them. Probably the biggest thing that snuggles from puppies, kitties, and most Fordham students want is better baby bunnies. (Allergies will disap- food. Let’s hope that this does not take pear). Everyone will wear smiles. Since four years, but instead four months. everyone’s needs will be met, people The future for me, and the country, is a will just hold hands, spin around, and little amorphous. Where will I be work- sing songs of joy, celebrating life and ing? Will I fi nally have a boyfriend? Who being alive. There will be no more ugly will be the president? I have no idea! in the world. Everything will sparkle. Stop asking about the future! I’m going How will this happen? Well, Pegasus to go hide in my blanket burrito and eat will land on Earth and bring goodness a burrito also. to all. One Huge Party! Lots of Goats by Girl Who Totally Misread Gatsby by Billie Bob president. However by 2020, Trump’s here. In addition, Trump replaced In four years my life will fi nally be- In four years, there will be a muta- mismanagement will have caused the the common core with a state-based gin again as a born-again classy-ass tion. Yes, mutants will be real. Except country to fall into chaos. Forced tou- meme education system. Trump knew fl apper chick. Back to the ‘20s baby! for Wolverine and bad X-Men movies, pees, a trump tower on every corner, that memes were responsible for Mak- Return of long skirts that expose my the mutants will be goats. Basically, and the legalization of incest are only ing America Great Again, thus he cre- ankles and pretentious cigarettes and all species of goats will mutate so a few of the radical policies introduced ated the national holiday we celebrate hats that almost but not quite make that they will never die and constantly by President Trump. Canada will have today to appreciate them. me look bald. I will carry little bottles of reproduce. This mutation will be the invaded the U.S. in order to save the Break the Nation alcohol in my boots and throw extrav- Greatest Of All Time. So, how and why remaining Americans, and by Leap by The Kimye 2020 Campaign agent Gatsby-esque parties and get does this happen? Well, it takes a lot Year, Trump will have fl ed Washington, 2020 will be the year of the Kar- thrown out of every New York speak- to make a trip. If you’re hungry, eat to hide in a luxury resort in the Deep dashian-West presidential campaign! easy there is because fuck ‘20s prohi- a can of tin. A fl ock of kids to add to South. Bernie Sanders, riding on the Late 2017 polls estimated that Kanye bition. I’ve been waiting my whole life the herd. A dash of salt and Microsoft back of a horse, will come to restore would be running in 2020, but it was for this and fi nally my inner Daisy can Word. And now you’ve got too many order to our once glorious nation. actually Kim who won the hearts of come out and shine. page 22 the paper march 2, 2016 Time” – are also the album’s best writ- but this is the only time something like ten. this happens on the album. Kendrick The closest comparison is actually does seem to do that to songs though. Leon Bridges’ Coming Home from last The outro song “Turnin’ Me Up” summer. Both contain good music, but provides a nice ending to the album, its music that we’ve all heard before in and is a very funky song. This song is one form or another. But credit must be also a tribute to one of BJ’s favorite given where credit is due: the kids are singers, Marvin Gaye. One problem 20, and you or I couldn’t put together a I have is that these songs feel a little better album in our lifetimes, let alone similar, however, they all do share a right now. certain great quality to them. None of the songs are bad, and BJ is very con- sistent throughout the entire album. Some of the songs just blend together. Regardless, this is a great album. It is well worth listening to.

The 1975 Sunflower Bean I like it when you sleep, for you are Human Ceremony so beautiful yet so unaware of it By Tommy Gerity Macklemore & Ryan Lewis By Luis Gómez Comprised of a model, a Dylan look- This Unruly Mess I’ve Made First, I’d like to congratulate The alike, and a hard rock junkie, Sunfl ower By John Looby 1975 for narrowly edging out The Life Bean is Brooklyn’s newest product of of Pablo to take the coveted “Most Pre- quality indie rock. Sitting somewhere Fuck you Macklemore and your fuck- tentious Album Title” award. Seriously. between Mac DeMarco and Sabbath, ing cat. This Unruly Mess I’ve Made as a whole is a waste of time. I’m not I like it when you sleep, for you are so their debut, Human Ceremony, is an BJ the Chicago Kid saying this simply because I don’t like beautiful yet so unaware of it. It’s a full exploration of how people try to make In My Mind Macklemore as a person but because sentence. What. Oh, and the album’s sense of the world. Singer/bassist Ju- By Nick Peters boring as hell. Nothing about it puts any lia Cumming, guitarist Nick Kliven, and every time he opens his mouth on this Brian James Sledge, who goes by creative distance between this and the drummer Jacob Faber wittily weave album, he ruins what could have been the name BJ the Chicago Kid, is a 31 band’s self-titled fi rst, from the open- through stories of mundanity and at- a good track. The production on this al- year old R&B/Soul singer from Chicago ing track called “The 1975,” to the ev- tempts to run from that mundanity only bum is by far its only saving grace, and (it’s in his name). BJ has been in the er-so-often moody synth pieces, to the to have it all go horribly wrong. Even in he manages to ruin it every chance he scene for a little while; In My Mind is bouncy, unnerving Britishness of the its most rocked-out mo- gets. Macklemore is the worst part of his second album, but it’s his major la- whole thing. Even the ments, the band, unlike his own album, and just so you know, bel debut. This album is long, resting cover’s the same -- it’s some of the characters he allows his cat to spit a bar on the at a nice 62 minutes and 16 seconds just not black and white in its songs, is keenly album, his fucking cat, which was hon- and packed with 15 soulful songs. This this time. Most odd aware not to let their estly a relief compared to his bullshit. is a great album. It’s catchy. It’s restful. might be that the few sensibilities fl oat off, Every track comes across as a des- It’s upbeat. BJ shows both vulnerability times this album does while still throwing in perate attempt to recapture what, for and charisma. differ, it’s less a differ- the odd left turn here whatever reason, made This album has two ence and more a “let’s and there. The Heist so infuriating distinct themes, roman- see how far left we can Cumming’s vocal de- popular. “Downtown,” tic and religious, which turn” sort of deal. For livery, despite often be- the attempted succes- BJ contrasts through- example, the album’s ing forgotten among the sor to “Thrift Shop,” was out the album. BJ also sixth track “If I Believe You” starts out many swirling guitar arpeggios, is what a physical struggle to provides narration at by sounding like one of the moody gives each song its credibility. Many listen to; I had to pause points on this album to synth pieces and then just...becomes times her singing is simultaneously the album and put on present songs and their gospel. It’s a gospel song about Jesus strained and placid, as if she knows literally anything else themes. Though the and God and belief, choir and trumpet how to make boring tales better than because I was whole narration could’ve been solo included. I don’t understand why they actually are. When the wit dries heartedly afraid that I corny, it actually works this is here. Ultimately, Iliwysfyasbysuoi out, the void is fi lled by the cutesy na- was going to go deaf as really effectively. The stand out songs commits the sophomoric sin of being iveté that overtakes the opening half of a sort of natural defense mechanism include “Church,” a song in which BJ mostly too boring and samey, and hav- “I Was Home” before they think better against bullshit. I took on this review contrasts wanting to go to Church with ing the new stuff just be...no. of it and hope that Kliven’s mellowed- with the anxiety that the album might being with a woman. It also features out soloing will rectify the track. Of in reality actually be good, and I’d have Chance the Rapper, who really helps el- course, naiveté shouldn’t be confused to concede something in my years long evate the song. There is also “The New with simplicity, as two of the most hatred of Macklemore, but I was right- Cupid,” a song featuring Kendrick that straightforward songs – “Easier Said” -this album is absolute dog shit, so is really good. This song actually sort of and “I Want You to Give Me Enough fuck you again Macklemore. If you’re feels like it’s a Kendrick featuring BJ, going to listen to this album I suggest march 2, 2016 the paper page 23 you rethink your priorities in life, take I’m not sure how I feel about this new an honest step back, and ask, “Do I direction, but I am glad that they’re love myself?” If the answer is yes, don’t venturing into new stylistic territories. fucking listen to it. Centipede Hz, in my opinion, tried a little too hard to be glitchy and weird like Strawberry Jam, but ultimately missed the mark. Painting With, on the other hand, puts super radio friendly melodies in an experimental, psyche- delic context, kind of like Grimes’ Art Angels does. The poppiest sounding songs, like “FloriDada” and “Golden Gal,” often end up being the album’s strongest. “The Burglars” is another standout track, which has an amazing build of energy, and like the album as a whole, is catchy while still managing to sound largely original. Painting With doesn’t have that je ne sais quoi of some of Animal Collective’s older work, which magnetized audiences, but it is nonetheless a cohesive record that presents a fresh face of Animal Collec- tive’s distinctive style.

Animal Collective Painting With By Reyna Wang My fi rst impression of Painting With was that it is an LP length, Animal Col- lective-fl avored take on Azealia Banks’/ Ariel Pink’s “Nude Beach A Go Go”. Painting With almost sounds like a kids album, but a trippy one, bedazzled with the band’s trademark gurgling, swishy synth textures and interwoven with some subtle but unsettling dark turns to counterbalance its peppy, Beach Boys-eque melodies. It might not even be too far a stretch to compare the album to the aesthetics of the “Don’t Hug Me I’m Scared” series; many of the tracks sound suspiciously sweet and poppy, and their innocence is threatened by breaks in melodic char- acter, distorted spoken word interjec- tions, and increasingly crazed synths. For example, “Hocus Pocus,” as the title might suggest, starts out sounding fi t for a circus, but the dissonance of its gritty synths and the uniquely lay- ered vocals seem to hint at something ominous. This ominous thing hits the listener at full force in the latter half of the song, when the vocals suddenly be- gin to be dragged downwards, as if the circus were suddenly overrun by evil clowns. This “manic clown theme” is intriguing, but it saturates album in an overly-homogenous way and becomes tired after a while. page 24 lizards rule the world march 2, 2016