Cold Open: Sex! Let’s really talk about it. The Patreon selected Space Lizard voted-in subject that received more votes by far - than any other chosen topic.

Specifically- the female ejaculation and squirting was voted in. And we we’ll talk about that. But we also will talk about so much more.

So much sex. Who’s having sex? What kinds of sex are people having? Are you having more or less sex than the average meat sack? Are you having freakier sex? Or is it pretty vanilla?

Heads up on this one Sex parents - talking GRAPHICALLY about sex today. If you’re cool with giving the kids some sex ed, good for you. If you don’t want to have to answer a LOT of new questions, you may want them to sit this one out.

Gonna talk about kink today. What kinds of kink are out there? Are you kinky? Why do we like kink? Why do so many get turned on by getting tied up or spanked or playing dress up?

It feels like the right time, with so much of the world stuck inside, to talk about sex. And porn. And sex robots. And yes - female ejaculation. Gonna talk about all that today. Gotta lotta numbers and interesting information and fun coming your way.

Lucifina is interested in what we have to say today. Very interested. It’s the sexiest suck yet today, on Timesuck.

PAUSE TIMESUCK INTRO

I. Welcome! A. Happy Monday:

Happy Monday Meat sacks!

I’n Dan Cummins, aka the Suck Master. The Shelter-in-Place Court Jester. Mama Ridgeway’s Cleanest Ween - and you, dearest meat sack, are listening to Timesuck.

Welcome to the Cult of the Curious. Hail Nimrod. Praise Bojangles. Glory be to Triple M. And Lucifina? Lucifina put on that latex body suit and get out the hand cuffs and the whip. This Dom wants a Sub and shit’s getting interesting today, lady.

Real quick apology - Amy Jean, who helped clear up a lot of info for me in the Pandemic Suck last week, is NOT a Nurse. She is a PA, a Physician’s Assistant. That is a totally different medical job. Damn it Lucifina! Why did you make me say nurse! Sorry, Amy!

B. Thank You For Reviews: Thanks for the continued ratings and reviews - thanks to all the new listeners who have hopped on board during the change in schedule many have undergone of late.

And thanks for checking out my new special - Get Outta Here Devil! Won’t be available for a few weeks yet on video. Won’t be able to buy the audio for a few weeks, BUT, you can listen to the whole think for free on Pandora RIGHT NOW. Thank you, Pandora - Drew Miller there always so good to me.

Link in the episode description. Link also the album on my Instagram - @dancumminscomedy

Also - check out the awesome and really inspiring podcast documentary A Mediocre Documentary with Tom and Dan on Amazon Prime. It’s so good. It’s free on Prime to stream if you’re a Prime Member. Their story, that they lay out in this doc, inspired me to launch into the podcast world. Tom and Dan from a Mediocre Time - Florida’s best podcast - one of the best podcasts in the game - they still inspire. The podfathers!

ALSO - speaking of great podcasts, I will be appearing on Andrew Santino’s Whiskey Ginger podcast. Andrew and I have had mutual friends for a long time. I have thought he was very funny for a long time. He’s a great actor currently starring with incredibly successful underground rapper lil Dicky on FXX’s Dave. And I will Skype in, drink some whiskey - Bullet Rye and ginger ale one of my favorite drinks actually - and I’ll be on Whiskey Ginger if all goes to plan on the 10th.

C. Merch Announcements: Been weird in the BadMagicMerch.com store for awhile now - and I love weird - back to some classics this week though. I get not everyone wants to wear a tee shirt with my head on a lady’s body and you can see her pubic hair which is a shirt we’ve actually done.

I get it! Gosh Dang. Oh my HECK!

So this week, a blue with gold letters just say Timesuck nice and simple shirt made out of 200% imported Pangolin Scales because I got ‘em at a GREAT price.

Also, a new classic black tee with my face from the logo, if you like a graphic tee, but also like to keep it simple. Also made out of 200% imported Pangolin Scales because AGAIN - that is shit is cheap right now for some reason.

D. And last announcement - it’s charity time:

Thanks to all the Timesuckers who joined Patreon, started listening to the weekly Secret Suck, and became Space Lizards, we were able to give a cool $5,000 this month to a COVID-19 inspired charity - Meals on Wheels.

Meals on Wheels has set up a special COVID-19 response fund.

Here is there official statement regarding that fund:

“Vulnerable seniors are at the greatest risk amid COVID-19. Local Meals on Wheels programs are on the front lines every day, focused on doing all they can to keep older Americans safe and nourished in communities across the country. The costs and efforts needed to protect seniors from COVID-19 require additional emergency funds, and that is why we are asking federal lawmakers, corporations, foundations and the general public to remember these vulnerable seniors in our national response.”

What is Meals on Wheels?

Meals on Wheels delivers meals to individuals at home who are unable to purchase or prepare their own meals. They deliver to those 60 or older who are disabled, homebound, and who have no one available to aid with meal preparation, and are unable to leave home without the assistance of another person.”

We all have know some seniors, or are a senior, and seniors are some of the people most at-risk of dying of COVID-19. People who need to avoid contact. Who need to stay inside. But still need food and little bit of socialization.

Hail Nimrod! We’re helping put food in people’s bellies.

E. Segue to Topic: Now let’s get to fucking.

PAUSE TIMESUCK INTERLUDE

II. Intro/Establish Premiss:

So much to talk about today. Gonna go over a lot of sexual statistics up top. How to our sex lives in America now compare to the sex lives of Americans in the 40s and 50s, when America’s sex lives first really began to be studied. How does the sex lives of America stack up to the sex lives of other people around the world?

Gonna talk about kink! What types of fetishes do people have. What’s out there?

Gonna talk about porn. Is it bad for us? Can it be good for us? What do the studies say? What do I think?

Gonna talk about sex robots. What is the future going to bring to our sex lives and will it be the best thing ever? Or the end of our species? Or both?

Gonna talk way too much about pony play. MAN I fell into a pony play hole this week and I want to drag you in with me.

And finally, gonna talk about my own sex life by interviewing my wife, Lynze.

And I know that is two weeks in a row now that I’ve done interviews. Is that the new normal? No. Don’t worry long time suckers - not changing the show format! It’s just the way the topics worked out. It felt weird to do an episode about disease and not talk to a disease expert when the opportunity arose. And it felt weird not to bring in a female perspective on sex when I can do that.

And yes Space Lizards, I will also talk about female ejacutlate, and, yes - squirting.

III. What is “normal” sexually?

A. Numbers regarding who is having sex, by what age, etc.:

Let us begin!!!

(Mario like voice) “I lik-uh duh numbers! Here we gooooooo!”

Big thanks to the Kinsey institute dot org for compiling so many sexual statistics in one place.

The Kinsey Institute at Indiana University was founded by Alfred Kinsey, an American biologist, professor of entomology, zoology, and sexologist who in 1947 founded the Institute for Sex Research at Indiana University.

His studies, most famously published as his Kinsey Reports, controversial at the time, heavily influenced social and cultural sexual values in the US, as well as internationally. "Sexual Behavior in the Human Male" was published in 1948 followed by "Sexual Behavior in the Human Female" in 1953.

Kinsey, widely regarded as the first major figure in American sexology - “the study of human sexual life or relationships,” blew peoples’ minds in the 40’s and 50’s with the sexual findings he discovered.

In an age when premarital sex was much more taboo than it is now, he reported, for example, that between 67-98% of men had had premarital sex, depending on socioeconomic status, and around 50% of women had engaged in premarital sex.

Hail Lucifina!

People heading out to those sock hop parking lots. Poodle skirts getting getting pushed up over knit cardigans in the back seats of Chevy Bel Airs all across the land. For those of you born in the 70s and 80s, that means your grandparents weren’t waiting for the wedding bells to get hot and heavy, hard and wet.

Dr. Kinsey recognized that a lot of the sexual acts that were frowned upon in polite society and talked about publicly were regularly taking place behind closed doors.

For example, he reported that 48.9% of married couple had engaged in oral sex and 11% of married males had had anal sex.

Think about that!

Your sweet Papa, heading ‘round to park his salami truck in nana’s back alley, or maybe heading ‘round to his “fishing buddy” Dale’s rear dock. See if he could slide his sausage boat in back there. One in ten chance!

MOVING ON!

Dr. Kinsey also found that around half of married men had had extramarital affairs and 69% of white men - I guess those were the dudes he studied the most back in the segregated times he lived in - 69% of those white men paid to have sex with prostitutes.

Damn. 69%! That number is way higher than I expected to be. And I am aware that at least one of you just went, “Huh, 69. Heh heh.” I get it. Had to fight it myself.

Back in the conservative, wholesome, Leave it to Beaver and Father Knows Best 1950s, when TV married couples slept in separate beds, he reported that 62% of women said they had masturbated.

(Beaver Cleaver) “Aw, gee, Wally, why’s mom making those weird noises in the shower? She must have the water turned up too hot. All that moaning - sounds like it’s really hurting her!” https://kinseyinstitute.org/research/faq.php https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Alfred_Kinsey https://www.businessinsider.com/11-findings-that-revolutionized- our-understanding-of-sex-2013-10

Americans were a lot of freakier in real life than they were on TV in the 40’s and 50’s.

What about today?

Today, almost everyone on TV seems to be fucking. Late night hosts make casual anal sex references. Hardcore porn - double penetration, ATM - it’s all a few clicks away on everyone’s phones.

I Googled, “Pornhub sex categories”, clicked the “Sex Categories menu link, and the top, “Most relevant” video was titled, “He fucks my tight ass until I squirt. 4K.”

Now, did I watch this video? No! I’m researching a ton of stuff right now and I don’t have time for that shit… So I skimmed it.

Just make sure it followed through on what it promised in the title! I like honesty in advertising.

If you’re curious, it really did seem like she has a tight ass. And he DEFINITELY did fuck it. No question there. And she for sure did squirt.

And it did appear to be shot in 4k. She has a mole on her upper thigh she might want to get checked out.

Looking at categories, most are “types” of people - body types or ethnicity - not types of sexual activity. “big tits, asian, Russian, red head, german, french, ebony, Latina, Indian, Brazilian, Arab, small tits, etc.”

But there are a variety of sexual fetishes or types of sexual activity listed as well, “role play, strap on, feet, fisting, pussy licking, blowjob, pissing, toys, fetish, hand job, anal, double penetration, orgy, bondage, sex in public, etc.”

Everyone with a web browsing device and web or cellular access is a few clicks away from videos in these categories. Videos with titles like - and these titles are pulled straight from page one of the Pornhub category, “This Week’s Most Viewed Porn Videos In United States”:

“I Bet Your Dick Has Grown Since Then ‘Older Step Sis Jewelz Blu Creampie”

Huh.

“Fucking My Friend’s Sister on Spring Break,”

Okay.

“Big Ass Stepmom Can’t Go Out with Coronavirus Lockdown So She Fucks,”

Really picking up on a theme here.

“Thicc Ebony Yoga Girl Aryana Adin Takes White Cock,”

Thank God. She doesn’t appear, based on the thumbnail and title to be related to anyone she’s having sex with.

“Young Big Breasted Mom Makes Love to Stepson,”

And we’re back.

“Cheerleader Coerced into Sex with Coach and Her husband,”

Not loving the “coerced” part of the title, seems a little rape-y but it is just a fantasy I guess.

And one more, “Fucking My Thick Latina Mom Because Quarantine for Coronavirus.”

Oh my HECK! Gosh DANG that’s a LOT of incest.

LOT of taboo breaking going on in the popular video section. Lot of family-stuff. Not to “kink shame”, but I find the incest angle a bit disturbing.

Is that how it’s been for awhile? Or, are a lot of horny people locked up with their families, and mom and stepmom are starting to look a little different?

WHAT THE FLIP!?!

But again - this is all fantasy!

Based on any sex study ever recently conducted and anecdotal evidence, the most common sexual activity in the US, and hopefully everywhere else, is NOT step sister and mom and stepmom fucking.

However, experts theorize that cases of actual incest could be, and likely are, vastly underreported due to the shame and stigma associated with acts of incest.

So, HOPEFULLY incest is not a common sexual activity in the US or anywhere else. Dear God I hope not. https://www.theatlantic.com/national/archive/2013/01/america-has- an-incest-problem/272459/

So, is the fantasy maybe not so harmless? Do porn fantasies lead to committing those acts in real life?

We’ll get into this debate later - the debate regarding pornographic fantasy - does it serve merely as a harmless release for people’s fantasies? Or does it increase the viewer’s sexual desire and push them towards wanting to turn fantasy into reality?

Right now, let’s get back to data.

In this age of easily-accessed hardcore sexuality, what kind of sex are people having when they’re not being filmed and paid for it?

Let’s go over some recent numbers.

The following information is based on data from the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention, National Survey of Family Growth, data gathered from 2015 to 2017.

I had a helluva time finding the size of the study for these particular years. NSFG studies began in 1973, and the total sample size, based on the previous two three year studies done by this same organization, is likely between 10,000 and 13,000 people. https://www.cms.gov/About-CMS/Agency-Information/OMH/ resource-center/hcps-and-researchers/data-tools/sgm- clearinghouse/nsfg

First let’s compare premarital sex in the 40s and 50s versus now with this study’s numbers.

Kinsey said that 67-98% of men had had premarital sex, depending on socioeconomic status, and that around 50% of women had engaged in premarital sex.

Now, 95% of men AND women, report having sex before marriage.

A high number but I believe it. So, if you waited, you are in rare company. Also, if you and your partner waiting for marriage before having sex, and your partner told you they’d never had sex with anyone else either, there’s a decent change they’re bullshitting you.

Another study, conducted in 2018, found after interviewing over 2,000 sexually active adults that 29% had lied to a sexual partner about how many past sexual partners they’d had.

Damn it Lucifina! You said you only had eyes for me! https://nypost.com/2018/07/30/americans-are-open-but-dishonest- about-their-sexual-history/

Dr. Kinsey found that in the 40s and 50s, 48.9% of married couple had engaged in oral sex and 11% of married males had had anal sex.

How does THAT compare to now?

89% of sexually active women surveyed in the recent NSFG study , married or unmarried, had engaged in oral sex with an opposite-sex partner.

Whoooooo! Break out the blow jobs! Big gains. Big gains in blowjobs the past several decades. Thank you porn! Thank you for normalizing that. Thank God.

90 percent of sexually men had gone down on their partner.

Whoooooo!! Taco Tuesday! Going down is going UP!

You get it.

36 percent of women surveyed admitted to having had anal sex.

Curiously, I’m not sure Kinsey found out how many women in the 1940s or 1950s admitted to having anal sex. I can’t find that data. I found another study that said in 1992, 16 percent of women aged 18-24 said they’d tried anal sex.

So - anal sex does appear to be on the rise.

Is this because of all the anal porn out on the web? Or, is there so much anal porn because that’s what people already engaging in it want to see? Classic chicken or the egg. Classic dick or the butt. Did the butt come first or did the dick come first - pun NOT intended. https://slate.com/technology/2010/10/experimentation-orgasms- and-the-rise-of-anal-sex.html

44 percent of men in the recent NSFG study said they’d had anal sex with a woman at some point in their lifetime.

Dr. Kinsey’s study found that roughly half of men cheated on their wives in the 40s and 50s, and that 69% of white men - again, kind of weird that it was just focused on white dudes but it was a different time - paid for prostitution.

How does that compare to now?

A 2016 YouGov survey of a thousand men and women found that only 12% of men, and, 1% of women, admitted to paying for sex. Very little variance in this study between races, by the way.

A few other studies seem to back up the trend that prostitution may be down, way down, in the age of hard core porn then it was in the supposedly “wholesome” 1950s.

Does more porn equal LESS prostitution?

Maybe.

Some sociologists in favor or porn argue that readily available porn, in addition to more modern sex toys and sex dolls, provide a sexual outlet that replaces prostitution.

And yes we will be talking about sex dolls later. Sex ROBOT dolls. Fuck yeah. WEST WORLD! WEST WORLD! WEST WORLD! Please don’t kill us, robots! Please don’t kill us, robots! https://d25d2506sfb94s.cloudfront.net/cumulus_uploads/document/ xivicl1avj/tabs_OP_Prostitution_20160307.pdf

So what about cheating. I’ve heard the argument, many times, that all this porn increases infidelity. More porn equals more cheating, right?

The numbers do not back this up. Not even close, actually. I was very surprised.

According to the 2017 General Social Survey conducted by the National Opinion Research Center at the University of Chicago, one of the largest independent social research organizations in the United States, only 20% of men report to having ever had an extramarital affair. https://gss.norc.org/About-The-GSS https://ifstudies.org/blog/who-cheats-more-the-demographics-of- cheating-in-america

Could more people be lying now than back in the 40s and 50s and skewing the numbers? Possibly but highly unlikely. If anything, the social pressure to lie about things like cheating, anal sex, and paying for prostitutes was much greater back in the much more sexually conservative 40s and 50s.

Why do LESS people seem to be cheating, at least here in America, in the age of hardcore porn? Porn advocates would say that porn leads to less cheating because, again, it provides a sexually satisfying alternative to cheating. It’s an interesting theory.

Before diving into how porn’s effects on sexuality, relationships, and society, let’s go over some other numbers from that recent NSFG study so you can see how you stack up to current sexual American norms.

By age 15, 13 percent of females and 18 percent of males claim to have had lost their virginity via vaginal intercourse.

By age 19, those figures stand at 68 and 69 percent.

40 to 44 year olds were asked how many sex partners they’d had in their lifetime. And the median number of opposite-sex partners is 3.4 for women, and 6.4 for men. So, half of the respondents had more partners than that, and half had less.

0.4 percent of 40-44 year old men surveyed and 1.3 percent of 40-44 of women reported having zero sexual partners.

That’s okay! Being a Noodle McDryWeen doesn’t mean you’re gonna go full-McVeigh and become some InCel determined to attack the public or the government because no one wants to fuck you.

Some people just don’t have a strong interest in sex. It is possible to be asexual. And it’s not considered psychologically unhealthy.

Going back to Dr. Kinsey, he rated individuals from 0-6 according to their sexual orientation from heterosexual to homosexual. O is strictly heterosexual. 6 is strictly homosexual. Numbers 1-5 indicated bisexuality. But he also labeled 1.5% of the adult male population as X indicating asexuality. https://kinseyinstitute.org/research/publications/kinsey-scale.php https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/magnetic-partners/ 201406/asexuality

Sticking with recently surveyed 40-44 year olds, twenty-two percent of women reported only having ever had one opposite-sex partner.

Ten percent of men reported only one opposite sex partner.

Forty percent of men reported three to six opposite partners, and thirty percent reported the same amount.

Eight percent of women reported fifteen or more opposite-sex partners, and thirty percent of men reported that same number.

Big variance there between genders! Some of the women in that eight percent must be working over time to kick up the numbers for thirty percent of those dudes, or, around 22% of those dudes are full of shit.

(Me) “How many women have you slept with, Noodle?”

(Rick type) “Thousand. Maybe two thousand. And that’s just THIS YEAR. Hell yeah, bruh.”

Those in the 25-44 age group report the following numbers for other types of sexual experience.

Twelve percent of women report having had at least some same sex sexual experience. Six percent of men report having had at least some same sex sexual experience.

B. How Often Do People Have Sex?

Now we have a feel for current norms regarding what kinds of sex people are having - we’ll get more into kink later - and we have a feel for

But what about frequency? How often are people having sex?

2.3 times a day is the AVERAGE!

So, if you’re only having sex, say, a couple times a month, you might as well retire that dusty ol’ dick or mangy ol’ puss! Put it in a box, write “No Longer In Service” on it, and throw it in the fucking basement, loser!

JK!

JK, meatsacks. I was just joking for funzies.

According to the General Social Survey, the average American adult has sex about 60 times per year, so a little more than once a week.

If you’re not having near that much sex, don’t despair. This same survey asks questions about overall happiness, and, interestingly found that people who didn’t have any sex at all in the past year were just as happy as those who DID have sex in the past year.

Also, frequency of sex changes over the course of a person’s lifetime.

In the 44-59 age group, 88 percent of men and 72 percent of women are still getting wet and hard. Still swinging that meat hammer. Still filling those flesh holes.

Dudes in that group are hitting money shots about seven times a month. Women are still getting around 6 and 1/2 semen deposits a month.

In the 57 to 72 age group, 72 percent of men are still SLANGING THAT DIIIIICK. Still swinging those man-nuts. Still got a little bob and weave left in that one-eyed prizefighter.

45 percent of women aged 57 to 72 of women still getting their oil changed. Still testing the shocks on the ol’ chest-icles.

Dudes in this age group putting some lady lotion on their veiny fly-fish rod about 4.3 times a month. Women getting that grey hedge trimmed about 3.8 times a month.

And YES - I know I have an eighth grade sense of humor about shit like this and I love it. I laughed so many times researching all this.

The National Survey of Sexual Health and Behavior asked people what sex acts they had done in the past month, past year, and ever in their lifetime.

So what’s going on with the youth though? What’s going on in the 25-29 year old camp? All these numbers are based on sexual activity that occurred in the previous year only.

Masturbation:

Let’s start with masturbation. Playing a little five on one. Paddling the pink canoe. Burping the worm. Flicking the bean. Auditioning some finger puppets. Spearing the bearded clam. You get it.

69 percent of men are jerking it. That seems low to me.

Any number lower than 100 percent seems low to me for twenty-somethings beating their meat. Beating it like it killed their parents. Only 69% of young dudes out there flattening their curves. Huh.

52 percent of twenty-something women reported putting on a one- woman EDM festival. A two fingered DJ competition. Maybe sometimes a two handed competition. Maybe sometimes one hand using a few fingers, while the other hand holds some king of vibrating electronic device.

Maybe one hand hitting that clit like it just said something highly offensive and then kept saying it over and over at a regular pace for about 10-15 minutes.

74 percent of both men and women, age 25-29 reported regularly engaging in vaginal intercourse.

46 percent of men and 5 percent of women in this age group reported receiving oral sex from a woman.

40 percent of men and 1.1 percent of women reporting giving oral to a woman.

Odd variation when it comes to puss licking stats. Seems like a lot more women are getting there pussy licked by other women than they are licking some other woman’s puss. What’s going on there? Seems to be a giver shortage and a receiver surplus.

Sounds like a couple of poor women’s tongues are about to fall out of their heads. Couple women about to file workmen’s comp claims. Couple of women heading to the doctor’s with jaw pain and bad backs.

1.2 percent of men and 36 percent of women in this age group report receiving oral sex from a dude.

2.7 percent of men and 50 percent of women report giving blowjobs.

And finally, 0.9 percent of men and 5.3 percent of women report receiving anal sex, while 10 percent of men reported inserting their penis into another’s anus, male or female.

That number seems WAY low.

44 percent of men in this same study reported inserting their penis into an anus at SOME POINT. But only 10% of 25-29 year olds report having done it in the past year.

That makes sense actually. If you don’t do it right, you may not get invited back.

Towards the end of this Suck, I’ll share some tips experts have written about for how to live your best life in bed, including how to have anal sex. Two quick hints right now - use LOTS of lube. Like so much. And - GO SLOW. Anal isn’t the time to try and see how fast your hot rod goes from 0-60. Not the place to peel out and burn some rubber.

https://www.cdc.gov/nchs/nsfg/index.htm https://vitals.lifehacker.com/here-s-how-much-sex-everybody-is- having-1795561168 https://www.guttmacher.org/news-release/2006/premarital-sex- nearly-universal-among-americans-and-has-been-decades

C. Kink: Now let’s talk about kink.

Hail Lucifina! I feel the sexual-side of our sultry goddess strongly right now. Lucifina LOVES kink.

We went over the basics of sexual activity, but, how many people are getting whipped? How many people are getting freaky?

Debby Herbenick, an applied health science professor and sex researcher at Indiana University's Kinsey Institute, conducted the Sexual Exploration in America Study in 2015 with several colleagues.

"For the first time," Herbenick says, “[this study] established a base line for, this is the percentage of Americans who have engaged in spanking or public sex or threesome or what have you."

More than 2,000 adults, 18 and older and mostly heterosexual, participated in an online survey that inquired about their relationship status, sexual orientation, and how recently they'd engaged in and how appealing they found a variety of sexual behaviors.

Let’s take a perv-y little peek in on what was discovered.

Are you a toe-licker? If you are, statistically, odds are you’re a dude.

25.6% of those surveyed said they’d licked a partner’s toes. Only 10.9% of women reported the same thing.

I get it if they’re staring at a dude’s toes.

Women seem to be hitting pedicures a little more often than dudes. I think Lynze has very sex feet. She does a good job taking care of them. Pedicures. Lotion. Foot massages.

My feet look like I was cursed and turned into part swamp troll or part hobbit. My toes are hairy and mangled looking. Look like I got stuck in a WW1 trench for a few months. When I wear flip flops and I hear a baby cry, I assume it’s because that baby just saw one of my monster feet.

You like getting tied up?

If you find that thought, “very appealing”, even odds as to whether you are a man or a woman. 8 percent of men, 9 percent of women like being tied up.

Like it rough? That’s more common than I thought. 14 percent of men and 12 percent like that very, very much.

What about lingerie? How many sexually active women have ever worn some form of lingerie at some point? 75.4 percent.

Nice! Fishnets, heeled boots, corsets, and crotchless panties all day.

What about sex in public?

45.4 percent of dudes and 42.9 precent of women surveyed reported having sex in public at some point in their lives. HOWEVER, only 6 percent of dudes and 4.7 percent of women reported having sex in public in the past year.

I wonder how much of this public sex was done in the sense of engaging in some kinky voyeurism, and how much of it was done by teens because having sex at home just wasn’t an option because they’d get caught by disapproving family.

Also… I’m apparently kinkier than I realized.

So far, I’ve done all of this at some point. Oral, anal, premarital, on the higher end with total partners, feet, bondage, lingerie, public sex, sex with various types of animals, getting defecated on, defecating on others, having someone hit me in the balls with a rubber mallet while someone else shocks my dick with a cattle prod and then a third person sticks a roman candle in my ass and lights it, while three other people sitting behind a scorer’s table hold up scores of 1 to 10 based on well they think I react.

(Albert Fish) “Showbiz! That is how they do it in Hollywood!”

Kidding about everything from animals on, not kidding about anything before it.

I was worried I would be so boring. Lucifina is pleased with me. Hail Lucifina!

25.8 percent of guys have role played at some point in their life, and 21.8 percent of women have role played.

Man, I am TERRIBLE at role play. Like, really, really bad. I have a hard time staying in character. And then I start laughing. All of my instinctive character choices veer towards comedy. Not great for the bedroom.

“So, can I buy you a drink? I think I know what you like, you know, since I’ve spent the past few years spending two to three nights a week hiding in the bushes in your backyard…”

What!?! How did I ruin it? I have a hard time playing the smooth playboy. I thought I’d play the mentally unstable creepy stalker who’s finally found you in the bar. That’s not hot?”

What about whipping? Who wants to be “playfully whipped by their partner or to playfully whip their partner during sex”? 16.2 percent of men and 13.8 percent of women report experiencing this at some point during their lifetime.

What about getting spanked? 29.5% of men reported receiving at least one sexual spanking in their lifetime.

34.1% of women reported receiving at least one sexual spanking in their lifetime. Ten percent of women had received a sexual spanking in the past month.

What’s with all the spankings?

Some of us meat sacks have gotten hard and/or wet over a good ol’ fashioned smack to the ass for a long, long time.

In 1960, an Italian archaeologist named Carlo Maurilio Lerici descended into some tombs in the old town of Tarquinia [Tar Queen-yuh] , a necropolis of the refined Etruscan [ee truss kan] civilization that inhabited ancient Italy from about 3500 BCE until its assimilation into the Roman Republic in the late 4th century BCE.

Aside from bodies, he found countless frescos depicting male boxers, sexualized female dancers, and in what’s become known as The Tomb of the Floggings, he found all kinds of erotic frescoes. One is an image of a nude woman bent over and holding the hips of a smiling bearded man while a young man whips her ass from behind - the oldest known example of an erotic spanking.

It dates to roughly 490 BCE. Over 2500 years ago.

Late 19th and early 20th century Austrian psychoanalyst and future Suck subject Sigmund Freud, thought that sexual spankings were related to childhood spankings, believing that the punishment early on could lead to sadomasochistic sexual preferences in adulthood.

Freud was somewhat obsessed with linking childhood parental relationships to adult sexuality, most notably in his infamous Oedipus complex.

The positive Oedipus complex refers to a child's unconscious sexual desire for the opposite-sex parent and hatred for the same-sex parent. The negative Oedipus complex refers to a child's unconscious sexual desire for the same-sex parent and hatred for the opposite-sex parent.

Freud considered a child's later identification with their same-sex parent to be the successful outcome of this complex.

And he thought an unsuccessful outcome of this complex could lead to neurosis, pedophilia, and homosexuality.

And no one really believes in most aspects of this complex today. It was just a theory of Freud’s. He lived quite awhile ago and he made some really valuable contributions to the understanding of human consciousness and he also said a bunch of crazy shit.

If adult sexuality isn’t tied to childhood parental relationships as much as Freud thought, why DO so many of us get turned on by a smack to the bottom???

Science seems to offer some answers.

Biologically, when a person enjoys a sexual act, their brain releases dopamine, the neurotransmitter that heats up the brain's reward and pleasure centers.

So, if someone enjoys being spanked or doing the spanking, the dopamine release signals to the brain to continue.

Keep spanking! It hurts so GOOD!

But - WHY does anyone’s dopamine get released from a spanking, which some people view solely as a painful act?

Dr. Rebecca Plante, an associate professor in Ithaca College's Department of Sociology, tried to answer this question in her study Sexual Spanking, the Self, and the Construction of Deviance in 2006.

One thing she points out right away, is that there isn’t just one reason that people like to be spanked. There’s different reasons for enjoying it just like there are different ways of being spanked.

There's the basic hand-to-ass motion during sex, couple lighter taps when having quote “doggy-style” sex. There's the bent-over-the- chair, cane- or paddle-to-ass type of spanking. And of course there’s the having someone tie you to a tree, facing the tree, and then getting twelve friends to all dress up like clowns and then all twelve clowns get whiffle ball bats and they all pile into one Geo Metro and then they drive around the tree, and then all pile out and all hit you in the ass with the bats as hard as they can, and then they all pile back in and you cum as soon as they start to drive off.

There’s THAT kind of spanking.

Back to being serious now.

Some of the pleasure in being spanked might have a lot to do with the unique anatomy of the buttocks. Dr. Plante says, “You're talking about this fairly well-protected muscular region of the body that's right at the base of the spine, where there are quite a bit of nerves, so it's sensitive.”

Dr. Dulcinea Pitagora. A licensed psychotherapist, sex therapist, and former NYC dominatrix who refers to herself as ‘Kink Doctor’ offers some other possibilities.

When asked, “Why do you think spanking is such a popular sexual activity?”, she says, “Because it’s something everybody knows about. It’s easy for us to talk about. In our culture, a lot of us grew up with the threat or actuality of spanking as children for punishment. There’s an inherent power dynamic in that when you’re a kid.”

So maybe Freud was onto SOMETHING.

Spanking can be part of a BDSM sexual relationship. BDSM being Bondage, Discipline, Domination and submission, Sadism and Masochism.

The person being spanked would be the sub, or the submissive. The person doing the spanking would be the dom, or the dominant.

And in an interview about why she liked it, one sub said, “I am a really type-A, independent person in my daily life. I'm future-driven, I'm organized, I'm confident, I'm loud and outgoing. In order to give up and control and relax, I have to make an effort. Being submissive allows me to give up control.” https://www.fatherly.com/love-money/why-people-love-to-be- spanked-during-sex/

This all still doesn’t really answer the question though. Why be spanked?

Essentially, again, there is no one answer. For some, it just feels good. For others, they might just want to try something new and it’s something they heard of.

Spanking can be a part of “rough sex”.

Why do people engage in rough sex? Sometimes, just to alleviate boredom.

Humans - men and women alike - have a tendency to grow tired of sexual routines. We need to keep mixing things up in order to maintain sexual excitement, a phenomenon sex researchers refer to as The Coolidge Effect.

When our interest in sex starts to wane, exposure to a new kind of a sex or new partner has a proven way of bringing it back.

This phenomenon -formally dubbed the Coolidge Effect - got its name from a popular anecdote about a visit that U.S. President Calvin Coolidge and his wife supposedly made to a chicken farm. The story goes something like this:

“Mrs. Coolidge, observing the vigor with which one particularly prominent rooster covered hen after hen, asked the guide to make certain that the President took note of the rooster’s behavior. When President Coolidge got to the hen yard, the rooster was pointed out and his exploits recounted by the guide, who added that Mrs. Coolidge had requested that the President be made aware of the rooster’s prowess. The president reflected for a moment and replied, ‘Tell Mrs. Coolidge that there is more than one hen.’”

Oh Calvin! You RASCAL YOU!

The Coolidge Effect has been documented in several animal species.

For instance, research has found that when a male rat is placed inside a cage with several female rats that are in heat, he will mate with all of them until he appears exhausted.

However, if a new female is then introduced to the cage, males often experience an immediately renewed interest in sex and begin mating with her.

And, I gotta say - I get it. New is fun! I used to feel guilty for thinking that, but, it’s science. We’re wired to think that.

The Coolidge Effect has been documented in humans.

For instance, in one study, male participants were either exposed to constant or varied sexual stimuli while their level of sexual arousal was measured by a device that recorded changes in their penile circumference.

The men who were repeatedly shown the same stimuli showed less arousal over time - the dudes who were exposed to varied stimuli maintained higher levels of arousal.

Another study found that, after watching porn clips featuring the same actress over a period of several days, exposure to porn featuring a new actress was linked not only to faster ejaculation, but also the release of more active sperm. Faster, bigger money shot!

This suggests that the Coolidge Effect may have an evolutionarily explanation behind it in that it might potentially increase men's odds of reproductive success with new partners.

Men are hard wired to want to spread our DNA to new partners. Doesn’t mean we should cheat in relationships where that is an agreed-upon no-no.

“Baby! Don’t be mad. I didn’t want to fuck the neighbor lady. I NEEDED TOO!”

That’s probably not gonna be too well-received.

The Coolidge Effect has also been documented in females, although the pattern tends to be somewhat less pronounced.

For instance, research on female hamsters has found that after mating with one male hamster until exhaustion, they demonstrate renewed interest in sex when a new male is introduced to the cage.

Also, research on women has found that, just like men, they show some degree of habituation in response to repeated presentations of the same erotic stimulus. What this tells us is that the Coolidge Effect isn’t a uniquely male phenomenon by any stretch of the imagination.

So, I guess my wife Lynze could ALSO say what I just said. “Dan! I didn’t want to fuck that personal trainer. I NEEDED TO!”

Damn it, Lucifina!

As you might imagine, the Coolidge Effect has important implications for our romantic relationships.

In particular, it suggests that declining sexual interest in a long-term partner and being excited by variety is probably to be expected, rather than a sign that there's something wrong with you or your relationship.

So what can a couple do to combat this potential decrease in sexual interest?

You can start having sex with other people. Swing, baby, swing! I could fuck the neighbor and Lynze could fuck the trainer. Problem solved! Whooooo!!!!!

That is, obviously one way to kick your libido back up that doesn’t work for a lot of people for obvious reasons. Jealously, insecurity - what if my partner leaves me for the new person?, fear of STDs, etc.

So, another way to combat the Coolidge Effect is to try new things. Like spanking!

It always circles back to spanking. LIFE IS SPANKINGS!

Print that!

Bur seriously, novelty in all forms, not just new partners, can breed sexual excitement. As some evidence of this, research has found that the long-term couples who report having the most intense feelings for each other are those who engage in the most new and exciting activities together.

In other words, you can potentially stimulate that same level of sexual excitement that you might receive from a new partner by bringing more novelty into your relationship in other ways.

So clearly, this Coolidge effect could explain a lot of people’s interest in various types of kink.

Why get spanked? Why get bored? Why have a lady dressed in latex push you to the ground and make you eat dog food without using your hands and tell you your a nasty little piggy and then tie you up and take your temperature with a rectal thermometer even though you’ve made it VERY clear you do not feel feverish and just want be let go and head home?

Because you’re fucking bored! Because your brain - not just your dick or your pussy, - is hardwired to want to try new things - TO ENJOY TRYING NEW THINGS!

There’s a region in our meatsack midbrains called the substantia nigra [ suh b-stan-shee-uh nahy-gruh] /ventral segmental area or SN/VTA. It contains dopamine-producing nerve cells.

Dopamine is one of the “feel good” chemicals in our brain. Interacting with the pleasure and reward center of our brain, dopamine — along with other chemicals like serotonin, oxytocin, and endorphins — plays a vital role in how happy we feel.

The SN/VTA is essentially the major “novelty center” of the brain, which responds to novel stimuli. The SN/VTA is closely linked to areas of the brain called the hippocampus [ hip-uh-kam-puh s ] and the amygdala [ uh-mig-duh-luh ], both of which play large roles in learning and memory.

The hippocampus compares stimuli against existing memories, while the amygdala [ uh-mig-duh-luh ] responds to emotional stimuli and strengthens associated long-term memories.

And some researchers did a study using an MRI to monitor how the brains of different subjects reacted to being exposed to images they had seen before and images they hadn’t seen before, and they discovered that dopamine pathways in the SN/VTA are activated when we are exposed to novelty.

Makes sense to me. I LOVE learning something new. That is literally the main reason I started this podcast back in 2016.

Hail Nimrod!

Trying something new, like spanking, can be fun just because it’s new.

Can it also, in some cases, deviant? Can longing for a savage-ass spanking be related to past sexual trauma? Can it be related to childhood sexual abuse? Yes, in some cases, it can.

But important to know that in what seems to be most cases, getting kinky doesn’t mean there is anything wrong with you at all - hence the term “kink shame.” It can just mean you’re adventurous, or you like letting go of control, or who-the-fuck- cares-it-just-feels-good-stop-overanalyzing-all-of-this-and-just- let-me-cum-in-peace.

Important to note that being kinky doesn’t mean you’re damaged. If you want to get spanked because you truly hate yourself and think you’re a worthless piece of shit, a naughty boy or a naughty girl, and you need a good whoopin’! If that’s what actually happened to you as a kid, then yeah, you should get some therapy.

But if you just like the way it FEELS? If you like letting go and being dominated a bit? Well, I think that's hot as fuck. And people more educated than me think it’s healthy.

Now that we understand the motivation for at least many when it comes to kink - what other forms of kink are out there?

According to that survey of more than 2,000 eighteen and older and mostly heterosexual adults I was talking about that led us to spanking, 6.3% of men and 5.2% of women have gone to a swinger’s party at some point in their lifetime, 11.5% of men and 6.3% of women have engaged in group sex with a group of four or more people, and 17.8% of dudes and 10.3% of women have been in a threesome.

Damn. Never did that. Missed out on the three-some. And now that ship may have sailed.

Lynze and I are both too jealous to give that one a go. I used to joke with Lynze about it, but, if we ever had another woman come into bed with us, I would be so nervous about Lynze getting either sad or angry that I wouldn’t be able to do anything. I’d be too in my head. It would end with Lynze having some big heart to heart and one of both of us crying and the third person just awkwardly putting their clothes back on and slipping out quietly and then telling all their friends about the two fucking lunatics they’d went home with.

And I have zero interest in brining in another dude. We have a one dick bedroom capacity.

Got have the right psychological makeup and relationship dynamic to pull off a threesome and not destroy the relationship. I know plenty of people can pull it off, I’m just not one of them.

https://www.menshealth.com/sex-women/a30026303/rough-sex- psychology/ https://www.lehmiller.com/blog/2017/4/28/why-we-crave-sexual- novelty https://lifehacker.com/novelty-and-the-brain-why-new-things-make- us-feel-so-g-508983802 https://journals.plos.org/plosone/article?id=10.1371/journal.pone. 0181198 https://science.howstuffworks.com/life/inside-the-mind/human- brain/oedipus-complex.htm https://www.domspe.org/etruscans/scandalous.html https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Tomb_of_the_Whipping https://www.vice.com/en_us/article/nevgbx/all-the-kinds-of-sex- americans-are-having https://journals.plos.org/plosone/article?id=10.1371/journal.pone. 0181198 https://www.glamour.com/story/a-to-z-kinks-and-fetishes

D. More kinks:

So that’s group sex. What other types of kink are out there?

1. Cuckolding: There’s cuckolding [ kuhk-uh ld ing]

Traditionally, cuckolding is when a heterosexual couple agrees to both explore the turn-on of the female sleeping with other men in order to humiliate her male partner.

Not for me!

But some people love it. Some people love a good shame boner.

(chikatilo) “What is big deal!?! What is shame boner? I thought shame only for soft, limp shame cock?”

No, Chikatilo. Shame isn’t just for the limp, sometimes, shame is for the hard.

(Chikatilo) “Thank you, Suckmaster. Never think like that. More you know.”

You bet, Chikatilo. No worries.

According to a study published in late 2017, acting on cuckolding fantasies can be a largely positive experience for many couples, and is hardly a sign of weakness.

The emotions surrounding seeing your partner with someone else can add to the turn-on, explained one of the researchers, saying, "It's not cuckolding if there isn't an element of humiliation, degradation or denial. Our erotic imaginations have the ability to turn shame lemons into delicious kink lemonade."

Overall, the research team found that for the most part, cuckolding tends to be a positive fantasy and behavior.

Another researcher said, "It doesn't appear to be evidence of disturbance, of an unhealthy relationship, or of disregard for one's partner."

But there's an important caveat, the researchers added: "We found several personality factors that predict more positive experiences acting on cuckolding fantasies. For those who have a lot of relationship anxiety or abandonment issues, who lack intimacy and communication, and who aren't careful, detail- oriented planners, acting on a consensual non-monogamy fantasy could very well be a negative experience.

In other words, not everyone who has a cuckolding fantasy should think about acting on it." https://www.cnn.com/2018/01/25/health/cuckolding-sex-kerner/ index.html https://link.springer.com/article/10.1007/s10508-017-1096-0 2. Somnophilia:

Next kink!

Ever heard of Somnophilia?

Ever fall asleep and then wake up to your partner’s genitals inside one of your holes? You’re with someone who had a strong case of somnophilia.

Somnophilia, sometimes referred to as sleeping beauty syndrome, is defined as getting arousal from a person who is seemingly asleep or unconscious. This kind of fetish also involves an exchange of power, where the person awake is in a dominant position.

The key with this fetish is, obviously, consent, as with all fetishes. This isn’t one where you follow the thought of “It's Better to Beg for Forgiveness than to Ask for Permission.”

Actually, that saying shouldn’t apply to anything sexual. If you do follow that saying’s logic in the bedroom, you’re probably a rapist.

“Baby! Why are you so mad! I know you don’t want me to stick it your butt WHEN YOU ARE AWAKE! I always thought you meant, you didn’t like it when you were awake. THAT is why I thought the right play was to sneak it in after you’d fallen asleep. No I know! Everyone makes me mistakes!”

Somnophilia can fall under the larger kink category of “role play.”

3. Consensual voyeurism:

Next kink!

Let’s talk about consensual voyeurism.

Consensual voyeurism involves consensually observing others undress, have sex or engage in other sexual acts. This isn't to be confused with spying on people without their consent, which is definitely inappropriate, not to mention also illegal.

Consensual voyeurism isn’t about you consenting to spy on people. It’s about getting their consent.

“Officer! Why am I being arrested? I agreed to do this! I gave my consent! I said to myself, ‘Dan. It’s okay. You can watch the lady across the street shower. I give you permission to climb up in that maple tree with a long lens camera after dark and see her put a nice ol’ lather on them big ol’ titties and get them oh so very clean.’ I says to myself, ‘Dan, it’s fine. Put your hand in your pants and crank one out. No one will see the branch bobbing up and down. It’s Ohhh KAY!’”

In this scenario, the person you're observing should enjoy being watched and may even be putting on a show. This can include watching a partner masturbate, going to a strip club together, watching live cam videos together, etc.

Consensual voyeurism typically takes place at a swingers party or at a play party—parties where people participate in BDSM activities.

4. Urophilia:

Next kink!

There’s urophilia, the fetish for "people who are sexually aroused by being urinated on, also known as 'water sports.'"

Often there is a BDSM element at work here, too.

The person getting peed on is clearly submissive to the people doing the peeing. Having someone's pee drip down your body might evoke some feelings of humiliation, which can be a turn on for some, similar to with cuckolding.

Man.

This is a fetish that could really piss you off if you had an enemy who you hated so much, you fantasized for years about beating them up and pissing on them.

Then, what if you had the chance to do that, to your lifelong enemy - someone who had done horrible shit to you - they’d burned your house down, they tried to kill your parents, all kinds of super bad stuff.

And then, you finally beat the shit out of them only to discover that they’re a huge sexual masochist who gets super turned on by being beaten, AND they have a urophilia fetish.

SUPER frustrating.

You beat them and they get a huge boner. And then - you piss on ‘em - and that’s when they cum.

There are so many interesting fetishes and kinks.

Next kink!

5. Macrophilia:

There’s Macrophilia—“the sexual attraction to giants or giantesses.” Apparently the porn industry has seen increased consumption for this type of porn recently.

Particularly arousing niches within this sexual interest include: being squished against a giant's breasts, being crushed by a giant, being dominated by a giant, or being physically harmed by a giant.

Though some macrophiles may be attracted to real people that are a several feet taller than them - hard to be a seven foot tall macrophile in this case - macrophila is typically more about the imagination.

Most macrophile porn is animated, or virtual reality or CGI porn.

Porn for those who enjoy imagining and fantasizing about being vulnerable, small, and powerless against a giant.

Okay. NOW I’m starting to feel pretty vanilla. Never once thought about how hot it would be to have some giant woman smash my head in between her huge, giant breasts.

(Giant woman) “Olga HATE TINY DAN! Olga SMASH HEAD with THUNDER BOOBS! ARRGH! Why TINY DAN have TINY BONER, I mean not TOO tiny. Normal, proportionally to his body size, but tiny for me for I am an ANGRY TALL WOMAN GIANT!”

https://www.womenshealthmag.com/sex-and-love/a18371849/9- sexual-fetishes-youve-never-heard-of-before/

6. Miscellaneous fetishes:

Next kink!

There’s Acrotomophilia - a sexual interest in amputees.

In a survey of acrotomophiles - yes this group is big enough to be surveyed - leg amputations were preferred over arm amputations, amputations of a single limb over double amputations, and amputations that left a stump over amputations that left no stump.

Man! VERY specific tastes. You have this fetish, you gotta do a FUCK TON of swiping on whatever hookup app you’re using before you swipe right.

“Just no…no…no…no…no…maybe, uh… no…no…no…oh, wait. Oh, damn. No stump. No…no…no….no….”

Then there is the very rare Climacophilia, which is a fetish in which the subject experiences erotic gratification when falling down stairs.

Huh.

Not trying to kink shame, BUT, you legitimately might want to see a therapist for this one. If you need to throw yourself down the stairs to cum, might want to talk to someone about that. Seems a tad dangerous.

So glad I don’t have it. So glad I don’t get so horny I feel the need to throw myself down the stairs and then jerk off with a busted arm or a sprained wrist or something while I lay banged up and bleeding on the landing.

There’s Coprophilia [cop·ro·phil·i·a] - arousal to feces. (albert fish) “Showbiz! Piping out that hot, fresh peanut butt butter! That’s how they do it in Hollywood!”

Coprophilia [cop·ro·phil·i·a] is the attraction to the smell, taste, texture or sights & sounds of the act of defecation as a primary means of sexual arousal and gratification.

Gonna definitely kink shame here.

This is, medically, a bad one if the attraction focuses on the eating of the shit.

I mean, if you need to smell some shit while you masturbate, fine. Not hurting yourself or anyone else. HUGE turn off for me to smell something like that, but whatever if you like it. But if you want someone to shit in your mouth? No bueno.

Consuming one's own feces could have potentially harmful consequences, as the bowel bacteria are not necessarily safe to ingest. Even riskier to eat someone else's feces. Risks include viral hepatitis and parasitic intestinal infections.

Terrible time to start acting on this sexual impulse, also. Don’t want to end up in an ICU bed because you got COVID-19 from eating someone else’s shit.

Next kink!

7. Exhibitionism: There’s exhibitionism - arousal from displaying one genitals in public. This one’s tricky because, if you flash your junk to strangers, it’s, you know, illegal. Might want to see a therapist about this one too before you go to jail for flashing people.

You could get permission, but, I feel like that defeats the point of flashing someone.

I feel like this is a great one for someone who spend a lot time in hotel rooms. You just keep ACCIDENTALLY leaving all the lights on. Keep FORGETTING to close the blinds. KEEP forgetting that you’re butt naked and right in front of the window.

You totally didn’t REALIZE that you have ducked your dick in- between your legs and are dancing to Q Lazarus’s Goodbye Horses.

“would you fuck me? i'd fuck me hard i'd fuck me so hard.”

Silence of the lambs reference there if you’re so confused.

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Acrotomophilia

Next kink!

8. Nasolingus: There’s Nasolingus - a sexual attraction to sucking on someone’s nose. Not for me, but if you want to suck the fuck out of a consenting adult’s nose. You get it! You get that nose! You suck that schnoz! You bang that beak! You hunker down on that honker.

Next kink!

9. Titillagnia [tit ul lag nia]: There’s Titillagnia [tit ul lag nia] - a tickle fetish. You get turned on by tickling someone? Then you have this fetish that makes most people want to punch you in the fucking throat.

If Lynze had this and couldn’t control it I would have to leave her.

If you have Titillagnia [tit ul lag nia], you need to get online and look for someone who has Knismolagnia [niss moh layg nia] - that is someone who is aroused by BEING tickled.

Match made in tickle fetish heaven, which sounds like a really lame, weird heaven!

Sorry. I think I just kink shamed again.

And there are SO MANY other fetishes. Nebulophilia - aroused by smoke or fog. Melissaphilia - a sexual attraction to bees, wasps, and other stinging insects. Keep stinging bumble bee! Don’t stop ‘till daddy cums! Lithophilia - sexual attraction to stone and gravel. “Mmmm. Damn! Look at that sexy ass gravel. God DAMN that is some fine ass GRANITE! MANNNN I want slap my dick on that shale. Gonna fuck that limestone so hard.”

There’s Autoplushophilia - getting turned on when you dress up like a giant, cartoon-like stuffed animal.”

“Dude, I’m telling you… I put on that giant teddy bear costume with the huge butterfly wings and my dick turns into a cum faucet.”

10.Banana Peel Fetish:

There’s also the somewhat rare but totally normal nana-peel- a-lingus.

A strong desire to fuck banana peels. A strong desire to be a total alpha male fruit fucker.

I don’t know if this one is real or not but I did talk about having sex with a banana peel in the bathroom of the grocery store I worked at in high school on my new standup special.

Talked about it on the podcast before.

And apparently, I am not the only one whose done this. Numerous men and women have told me after shows or written in messages about sexually pleasuring themselves in some way with a banana, and, I got a lot of emails about this happening so much that some online doctors spoke out about how it’s not a good idea.

Seriously.

Some doctors have been warning horny men not to masturbate into banana peels after a number of men in online chatrooms and on reddit threads, etc, have admitted to putting bananas in the microwave and then fucking the warm, mushy inside of the nana.

Some men insist that the slimy peel interior makes a good lubricant and simulates the feeling of oral sex.

I bet it does.

Doctors, though, have said that the act can cause sores, rashes and infections as the protein in the fruit's skin can cause flare ups in some people, especially on the extra sensitive, thin skin of the penis.

One online doctor, Dr Diana Gill, from a service called Doctor-4-U, also warned: "A person with a banana allergy is more likely to be allergic to other substances such as latex or other fruits and vegetables. So if you're allergic to latex condoms you may also be allergic to banana skins. Although rare, you could develop a rash and sores on the penis which can be painful and might lead to infection."

And in extremely rare cases your dick can turn yellow and develop black spots, and if you don’t get it treated, it could turn totally dark black, fall off, and then if you’re not careful, you’re aunt can find it and bake it into some bread.

Of course I’m kidding about that.

One last kink!

https://www.dailystar.co.uk/love-sex/men-who-masturbate-warm- banana-21335548

Let’s talk about pony play. OH MY HECK!

E. Pony Play: What is PONY PLAY?

It’s a type of role play and also a type of BDSM.

In almost all pony play situations, the owner or trainer is played by the dominant, and the submissive is the pony.

Ponies are often known as ponygirls and ponyboys. Like many forms of sexual role play, the participants may adopt nicknames that they use in the scene. Within pony play culture, masters and ponies have names, and you may only know other pony players by these names.

Like, if Lynze and I were playing, and she was the pony, I could be Captain Whisker Horn, and she could be Sarsaparilla Spunkmeister.

And then if she was like, “Dan, can you pass me some water?” I could just ignore her.

(Lynze) “Dan. Seriously! Pass me some water!”

(me) “Ah. T-t-t-t-t.”

(Lynze) “Oh for fuck’s sake. CAN I PLEASE HAVE SOME WATER CAPTAIN WHISKER HORN!?!”

(me) “Yes, Sarsaparilla Spunkmeister, but only if you neigh first and take a bite of a carrot.”

Pony play shares much, but not all, of its aesthetic with BDSM gear and costumes. Black leather, PVC, and suede are commonly used for items both worn and wielded during a pony play session or event. Corsets are also sometimes worn as part of intricate pony costumes.

And then, there is oh so much pony play pony-person gear you can buy for your very own Sarsaparilla Spunkmeister:

1. Reins to direct your pony 2. Saddles for riders to perch on and actually ride another human being. 3. Bits that go into a pony’s mouth for control and to control biting or noises 4. Tongue ports to hold down their tongue 5. Bridles to attach to your horse to allow the trainer to control their horse. “Whoa, Sarsaparilla! Easy old girl!” 6. Martingales to connect the bridles to a belt 7. A harnesses connect a pony to a cart 8. Collars for your pony. 9. Hoof boots worn on the legs and feet to give the impression of hooves; may be for form or function 10.Hoof mitts perform a similar function on the hands 11.Polos/wraps are cloths wrapped around a pony’s legs, often over hoof boots to add support, restrict movement and for aesthetic 12.Masks cover a ponies head and may include a snout, ears, and mane 13.Bodysuits may incorporate basks, tails and manes 14.Tails may also be pony anal plugs with attached tails. 15.Pony Ears 16.Blinders to block the pony’s peripheral vision 17.Wrist or ankle restraints. You know, just like real ponies wear. 18.Plumes to sit on the head of your sex pony during shows and events 19.Hobbles - restraints worn between the calves to limit movement 20.Brushes for the pony’s fur (either costumed or real) 21.Crops for giving your pony direction during training or punishment 22.Spurs can be worn by owners to train a stubborn pony.

(me yelling) “Sarsaparilla! Do NOT BUCK! Do not make me get the spurs, Sarsaparilla Spunkmeister!!”

There are specialty retailers that will custom make this stuff. You can spend thousands of dollars on pony play gear.

And there is so much more to it. The pony trainer spends time training their pony, and a pony can be one of many different pony types. There are work ponies, breeding ponies, riding ponies, show ponies, event ponies, pleasure ponies, and more.

There are all kinds of pony training guides online that tell you how to break your wild pony, how to punish your pony, how to tie your pony up, how to fuck that bad, bad pony of yours.

You can take the role play even further and bring a fake vet into the mix. Turn it into group sex where one person is the master, one person is the pony, another person is the vet. You gotta a sick pony! Ah man, there’s something wrong with it’s butt! You gotta get in there and see what’s wrong, but, damn it, you forgot your vet tools back at the fake pony clinic. Guess you’ll just have to feel around with your hard dick.

Serious pony play is more than just a kink, it’s a fucking lifestyle.

And I don’t want to “kink shame” - if you enjoy pony play, seriously, good for you. You only live once!

I, however, would be lying if I pretended I didn’t enjoy laughing my ass off when I watch pony play videos. This shit is hilarious. Watching a bunch of pony players all together makes me think of a super perverted Renaissance Faire.

I watched a video called “Ponies On The Delta Pony Play Festival In New Orleans,’ and it is one of the funniest things I’ve ever seen in my fucking life.

Keep riding, Pony People! I love it. Letting that freak flag FLY!

https://badgirlsbible.com/pony-play

F. Recap:

So let’s recap what we’ve learned so far.

In America, blowjobs and anal sex are a lot more common now than they were in the 40s and 50s, but - people were still getting freaking back then! AND - cheating and paying for sex seems to be down compared to the 40s and 50s. Premarital sex is up, but, sexual morals? Maybe no more pervert now than they were in the days of Leave it to Beaver.

And really, what is perverted? It’s so subjective!!! What’s perverted to one is vanilla to another.

One man’s pony play is another man’s missionary.

Are people more into kink now than they were over half-a- century ago? We don’t know. Maybe!

If kink is more popular now, what we do know is that most of it is completely harmless. And probably a whole lot of fun.

Wanting to be tied up, choked, spanked, or to play dress up, etc does not mean there is definitely something wrong with you.

You might just like trying something new.

You might just be less worried about what society thinks is taboo and be more willing to just do what makes you feel good.

And as long as that thing is consensual and isn’t gonna make you physically ill - good for you!

Hop on your very own Sarsaparilla Spunkmeister and RIDE! Ride like the wind!

G. How does America’s sexual taboos compare to the rest of the world:

Next up - what is the rest of the world up to sexually?

Let’s talk about that right after a quick word from today’s sponsors. And again, THANK YOU, for using our sponsors and letting them know you heard about them from us by using the unique urls and discounts codes I give you.

Today’s Timesuck is brought to you by the 2020 A-Hole Air Banjo Academy’s New Online Course - Songs to Air Pluck While Your Train Your Person Pony.

Sometimes you need to take a break from whipping, spanking, starving, and/or caging your naughty man or woman pony. So relax and pluck off some stream by playing this horse related classic.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uUpDG680uew

Start at :25. and pluck along.

If this doesn’t get Sarsaparilla Spunkmeister in the mood to be a good, sexy pony - nothing will!

The A-Hole Air Banjo Academy - the perfect instrument for the age of social distancing - you don’t even have to touch it to pluck it!

And of course that’s not a sponsor, I’ve just had the song in my head all damn day and it makes me laugh and I wanted to pass it along. That was the William Tell Overture by the way. The Lone Ranger theme song. And when I hear it, I think of horses. And now when you hear it, you’ll think of pony play.

You’re welcome.

Here are the real sponsors.

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And I’m back. Or, if you’re watching on Youtube, I never left.

What I started wondering as I looked into America’s sexual interests, was, how does the United States stack ups to the rest of the world?

A UK online doctor/sexual wellness website called Dr Felix gathered data from various sexual studies done around the globe. Let me share some interesting tidbits.

The major English-speaking nations of the UK, USA, Canada, Australia and New Zealand, for example, share more than just a mother tongue. They’re also where you’ll find the most sexually adventurous people on the planet. English speakers like to get kinky; more people have used a blindfold or masks during sex in these countries than anywhere else. More English speakers use lube than in other countries. And far more English speakers use vibrators. The trend is reflected in their shopping habits too; more Google searches for “sex toys” come from these nations than any others.

Australians may be the most sexually liberated people on the planet.

22% of Australians have shared an intimate moment with somebody of the same sex, compared with a global average of just 12%.

Almost 17% of Americans report having a same-sex experience.

The Danes lead the world in cheating. A whopping 46% of Danish people say they’ve had an extra-marital affair. That’s compared to roughly 25% of Americans. https://qz.com/697836/more-americans-than-ever-are-having-same- sex-experiences/ https://www.drfelix.co.uk/how-were-having-sex-from-chile-to-china/

Anal sex is so common in Greece that many Europeans refer to anal sex as “doing it Greek.”

A report, titled “Sexual Behavior, Sexual Attraction and Sexual Identity in the United States,” which reportedly polled thousands of people between the ages of 15 and 44 from 2006 through 2008, found that 44 percent of straight men and 36 percent of straight women admitted to having had anal sex at least once.

55% of Greeks - taking into account men AND women, have tried anal at least once. https://www.huffpost.com/entry/anal-sex-heterosexual-couples- report_n_1190440

Despite being the home of the Kama Sutra - an ancient Indian Sanskrit text on sexuality, eroticism and emotional fulfillment in life, India seems to be one of the least sexually adventurous nations on Earth.

Two thirds of sexually active Indians report never having tried anal sex, a threesome, or to have used any kind of sexual aid.

However - India is also one of the most sexually satisfied nations on Earth. 61% say they’re “fully satisfied” with their sexual lives, beaten only by Nigeria and Mexico.

What country is the least sexually satisfied? Japan. Only ten percent of Japanese people report having exciting sex. Damn. Bummer. Japanese women are so beautiful.

Only thirty-four percent of Japanese folk report having sex weekly. The next lowest sex rate? The United States! Damn it! 53 percent of Americans report having weekly sex. Who’s doing it the most? Italians. 76 percent of Italians report having sex weekly.

(Mario) “I like-uh da Princess Peach-uh! I like-uh to give-her my bowswer-wowser!

Here we goooooooooooooo!!!”

What country has the most sexually liberated women? According to another study I found - New Zealand. Yay, Kiwis! Another nation of beautiful women.

Kiwi women, according to this study, have an average of 20.4 sexual partners in a lifetime. That’s three times over the global average of 7.3 and double to British and Australian women. The average US woman, according to one study, is four.

And I gotta say, that number feels VERY low to me.

I will say that numbers vary pretty wildly from study to study when it comes to number of sexual partners. https://www.theclever.com/15-countries-with-the-most- promiscuous-women/ https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Promiscuity

Back the Dr. Felix study.

That study looked at what men and women sexually fantasize about around the world. Pretty interesting results.

Here are the most common, according to this assessment of various sex studies - male fantasies.

88% fantasize about a blow job. 85% fantasize about sex with two women. 83% fantasize about sex with somebody they know who is NOT their partner. And 82% fantasize about sex in an unusual place.

Now let’s compare this with women.

100% of straight or bi-sexual women fantasize about constant and somewhat aggressive anal sex. I fucking KNEW IT!

100% of straight or bi-sexual women fantasize about sharing their man with multiple other women. INTERESTING!

100% of women want to talk less, skip foreplay, and buy a one- way express ticket to Bone Town. Choo Choo!!!! All ABOARD! One way express heading to BONE TOWN!

Hail Lucifina! And of course I made that shit up.

For real now, what do women - straight women in this case - around the world fantasize about the most sexually according to Dr. Felix?

85% fantasize about sex in a romantic location. 82% fantasize about sex in an unusual place. 76% fantasize about receiving oral sex. 72% fantasize about performing oral sex on a man.

So many oral sex fantasies. That settles in it. We live in a great world.

Now, let’s talk about Porn and sex fucking robots.

You heard me.

Then we have more pony play to get back into. Not kidding. THEN, I’m gonna interview the Queen of the Suck - get a female perspective on sex.

And I promise, before it’s all over - squirting will be addressed.

H. PORN: Harmless fantasy or sexual corruptor or both?

Porn.

How does porn affect our sex lives?

Porn has been around a long, long time in some form, but, prior to the invention and proliferation of VCRs in the late 70s, very few people were actually watching porn. Very, VERY few young men and women were watching a video of other people have sex before they ever had sex.

I think it’s important to start here.

Playboy magazine didn’t come out until the end of 1953, and it was very, VERY tame by today’s standards. Artsy nude pics. No sex acts. Didn’t even show pubic hair at first. No legs spread. No close up waxed and bleached butthole shots.

Penthouse got a little racier when it hit the shelves in 1965. But still tame by today’s standards for many years.

Hustler came out in 1974, and it was the first mainstream, truly hardcore porn pic magazine. Semen and anal penetration are shown. Penthouse didn’t show any of that until 1998.

But it wasn’t accessible to every kid with a computer or a phone. And it was still images, not 4k video where it looks like you’re looking through a window and watching two people, or way more than two people, have sex right in front of you.

Also, real quick - I learned so much weird shit this week.

Never imagined five years ago that my job someday would include trying to determine stuff like when Penthouse started publishing pictures of dicks in assholes.

In the 1960s, there was only around twenty adult movie theaters in the United States showing grainy, cheaply produced, horribly lit, soft-core 35 millimeter pornos.

And adult theaters would never be popular EVERYWHERE in America.

Porn was never truly a huge part of the world’s sexual culture until the internet.

The first porn website didn’t show up until 1994.

Sex dot com.

And it was mostly shitty, low resolution still images that took FOREVER to load over your shitty aol dial up connection.

Despite the technical limitations compared to today, 450,000 pornographic images were posted online in 1994 and they were accessed approximately 6.4 million times.

Crazy to me that less than 30 years ago, porn hit the web. That people have been regularly watching hardcore porn at home for less than 50 years.

It wasn’t that long ago that our brains were not being constantly bombarded by porn.

In the late 90s, I remember hearing about people going to porn sites on their computer for the first time.

In the early 2000s, I was still buying the occasional porno mag. It was hot to have access to like, ten new pictures.

Now?

20% of all mobile web searches are for porn. 13% of all web searches. 4% of all websites are porn. According to a 2011 Cosmopolitan study called “A Billion Wicked Thoughts,” 87% of US men between the ages of 18 and 35 look at porn weekly.

In 2017 alone, Pornhub got 28.5 BILLION visits.

In 2018, Pornhub got 33.5 billion visits.

In 2018, 109,012,068,000 videos were watched on Pornhub. That’s over 14 videos watched for every person on the entire planet. And that’s just one porn site. One of MANY.

According to Pornhub’s own site, “Visiting Pornhub is a daily routine for more than 120 million people.”

And since the worldwide shelter in place measures began, viewing has increased on Pornhub dramatically across the world. By over 61% in Spain, by over 38 percent in France, and, at one point, it increased by 57% in Italy.

So much porn. And, like I established at the beginning of this episode - ALL KINDS OF PORN. Every fetish we talked about today and so many more - HUNDREDS OF THOUSANDS of videos, millions of images.

What is all this porn doing to us? http://content.time.com/time/arts/article/0,8599,1862878,00.html https://www.statista.com/chart/16959/share-of-the-internet-that-is- porn/

More and more studies are coming out linking high rates of porn consumption, in young men in particular, to a decrease in overall sexual libido and also to erectile dysfunction.

Why?

Well, the answer to this question does make a lot of sense to me.

For many young people growing up with the vast amounts of porn we now have online - people just hitting adulthood now and in the past ten or so years, these are the first people in the history of the earth to grow up in a world saturated with porn - these people, many of them at least, grew up masturbating to the unlimited porn on offer today.

All that porn was their first introduction to sex.

Their only blueprint for sexual interaction has come from watching porn stars have sex. Porn stars who are performers. Porn stars who are “acting.”

This can be a hard act for real life to follow.

Think about that.

If you’re watching video after video of muscled up dudes with penises that are in the upper 5% or even 1% of the biggest dicks on the planet, and these guys with these donkey dicks are having sex with multiple women with perfectly aligned labia, perky, perfectly symmetrical breasts, tiny small waists, peach shaped asses, and flawless skin. They’re having sex with women who beg for every male-centric fantasy ever - they want their partner to stick it in their ass, no prep or warm up is shown - that’s edited out - these women want to give him a blowjob with a few of their friends at the same time. They willingly bend into ten different positions no questions asked. They want to share this guy with three of their friends. He orgasms across all of their chests. It’s all shot in 4k. It’s shot in a Hollywood Hills mansion. Well lit. Everyone looks healthy and happy and horny.

It’s all a fantasy. FANTASY!

BUT - your adolescent brain processes it as reality. Or, if it doesn’t process that video as reality, it does process thousands of other videos labeled as “amateur” videos as “real” that actually feature real porn stars.

And then that same brain looks at the reality around you.

It sees your average sized penis. It looks in the mirror and sees the extra thirty pounds you’re carrying.

That brain looks at your partner. Sees that she doesn’t have six pack abs.

Sees that she’s not ALWAYS perfectly waxed and bleached.

Maybe she doesn’t have perfectly perky 19 year old breasts. Or brand new fake breasts.

She doesn’t have a lighting kit on her and tons of makeup and new lingerie and heels. She doesn’t want to invite her friends into the mix. She doesn’t want you to cram it in her ass with no warm up because that would really hurt.

She wants to have some foreplay.

And your brain thinks - “what the fuck?” This isn’t what the girls on the video were doing? This isn’t as good. I don’t look like that guy on the video. I’m not as good. And your libido drops.

Your sense of reality has been distorted.

Now you have a poor body image and performance anxiety and you’re in your head and this all adds up to a really shit, real life sex life.

More and more studies are showing that too much porn fucks up your real life sex life. It just can’t compete.

According to a 2014 study in the Journal of Sexual Medicine, one out of every four new ED patients is now under 40.

And extensive research from Holland has noted a sharp increase in the level of erectile dysfunction rates amongst young men in the last half a century in Europe.

Back in 2001-2002, ED rates for men were almost negligible, but by 2011, ED rates in young Europeans aged 18-40 ranged from 14-28%.

The Institute of Human Development in Berlin undertook a study examining the likely link between porn addiction and ED, by examining the effect porn has on desensitizing the human brain.

The 2014 study of 65 healthy men proved that watching internet pornography for just four hours each week decreases the amount of grey matter in your brain - the part involved in sensory perception, such as seeing, hearing, memory, emotions, speech etc.

They found less neurons and neuron-connectivity in the pleasure centre of the brain after monitoring male porn habits, compared to the brains of those who didn’t watch it at all.

Too much porn seems to leave the brain craving more explicit material while making it harder for the same images, and also sex, to provide the same stimulation. Porn addicts are then more likely to seek out more deviant sexual images to satisfy their cravings, and to then also become porn addicts.

Remember when I talked about the Coolidge Effect earlier? How you can stimulate your brain and ignite your sexual interest by having sex with a new partner or trying something new in bed?

Well, what if you can kind of burn out the part of your brain - the SN/VTA we talked about earlier - that “novelty center” of your brain, that part that responds to novel stimuli by kicking out that dopamine?

I think of it like, I LOVE Devil’s Food Cake. Rich dark chocolate frosting on top of rich dark chocolate cake. I like the Betty Crocker version, right out of the box. Delicious.

I don’t have it very often. Part of the reason I like it so much is because it’s special. It’s not some I constantly taste.

But, what if I ate devil’s food cake every day for several months?

And what if every time I ate it, I had a slice from a cake that had just been made by the world’s best chocolate cake makers. The finest dark chocolate. Cake made from scratch by the best cake makers in the biz, using the finest artisan flour if that’s even a thing and other amazing, best-you-can-use ingredients.

And then, right after all that, now I’m offered a slice of Betty Crocker cake again.

Am I gonna like it as much as I used to?

Fuck no.

It’s not made by one of the best cake makers in the biz. It can’t compete in that sense.

And - I’m tired of chocolate cake. All I’ve been doing is eating chocolate cake, and I’m fucking over it. At least for awhile.

That’s what I think all this porn consumption can to do. It can burn you out on real sex. I know that in my past, when I fell into the habit of looking at porn all the time - it for SURE fucked up my sex life. I got to a place in my head of not caring if I had sex or not, because, whatever, I can just go jerk off to my favorite fantasies. I can just go eat, or virtually eat, the best cake ever.

Porn is hard to compete with.

With porn, you don’t have to connect to the person you’re watching. You don’t have to compromise on anything. They’re never annoyed with you. You have no baggage with them. They never want you to put on more deodorant or brush your teeth.

You can have a sexual relationship of sorts with whoever you’re masturbating to that you just can’t have in real life.

And it appears as if this difference between a virtual sex life and real one is causing some young people to give up on real sex entirely which is scary.

In Japan, a 2012 sexual survey found that 36 percent of teenage men and 59 percent of teenage women - a supposedly universally hormone addled population - expressed no interest or were actively turned off by sex - a 19 and 12 percent increase over 2008 numbers, respectively.

Why?

Well, no one knows for sure. Let me start with that. BUT - some theorize that a rise in porn consumption, specifically, a rise in anime and other types of porn consumption by young Japanese men, porn that doesn’t even feature ACTUAL HUMAN BEINGS is the root.

Essentially, real human women can’t compare sexually with animated women. Like, biologically can’t do what some illustrator can animate some character to do. https://www.vice.com/da/article/7b7y8x/why-arent-the-japanese- fucking-361 https://www.sbs.com.au/news/the-feed/young-single-people-in- japan-aren-t-having-sex-and-the-reason-is-proving-fatal

So, yeah, porn can be bad. And what about the porn stars themselves? Are many of them being exploited? Risking STDs and unwanted pregnancies and being paid next to nothing?

Sometimes. Of course there is a dark underbelly to adult films.

What about sexual assault? Does more porn lead to more rapes?

The National Resource Center on Domestic Violence says, surprisingly, “no.”

Their website points out that men who commit rape and men who don’t commit rape both view pornography.

Milton Diamond, the director of the Pacific Center for Sex and Society at the University of Hawaii at Manoa, says, “There’s absolutely no evidence that pornography does anything negative.

Also, though the statistics vary, one 2016 report said 77% of Americans view pornography at least once a month.

At the same time, sexual assault has decreased by 45% in the last 20 years. With a population adjustment, that number shows a decrease by 55%.

So, if porn leads to sexual assault and there is SO MUCH MORE PORN than ever before - why is their LESS sexual assault? https://www.huffpost.com/entry/does-pornography-lead-to-sexual- assault_b_57c0876ae4b0b01630de8c93

However, some think that could change soon.

In recent years, porn has been accused of becoming increasingly violent.

A veteran porn star, Anthony Hardwood - GREAT PORN NAME - said in a recent documentary about porn that, in the 1990s, it constituted “making love on a bed,” and having “lovey dovey sex”.

But in 2010, researchers analyzed more than 300 porn scenes and found that 88% contained physical aggression. Most of the perpetrators were male, and their targets female, and the latter’s most common response to aggression was to show pleasure or respond neutrally.

Statistics around how violence towards women has become the most commonly viewed porn are alarming: according to Australian adolescent sexuality expert and researcher Maree Crabbe, recent analysis of the “most popular” porn found 88 per cent of scenes included physical aggression such as gagging, choking and slapping.

In 94 per cent of those scenes the aggression was directed towards women. Women were slapped in 75 per cent of those scenes. There was verbal aggression in 48 per cent of scenes. https://www.bbc.com/future/article/20170926-is-porn-harmful-the- evidence-the-myths-and-the-unknowns

Will all of this relatively new aggressive porn lead to more sexual assaults in the future?

Time will tell.

Some theorize it will lead to less because it provides a fantasy outlet for those who have the desire to commit sexual assaults that might keep them from doing it in real life. Just like it’s possible that watching a lot of porn might keep people from having healthy sex in real life, it is also possible that it might keep others from having unhealthy, illegal, and violent sex in real life.

That brings me back to when we talked about incest earlier. Is all the incest porn currently popular going to push more people to commit acts of incest, or, will it have the opposite effect? Will it allow people to get it out of their system virtually and not become monsters like Josef Frtizl - world’s worst dad we talked about here on Timesuck awhile back.

So, now that we’ve looked mostly at the ways porn can be bad, can it also be good?

According to a 2016 article in the Atlantic, like I just talked about - the ubiquitousness of porn has correlated with a drastic decline in sexual abuse toward women. In fact, as pornography’s accessibility has exploded - from 1990 or so - sexual assault rates have gone down — by 55% in the last 20 years, according to the National Crime Victim Survey.

Also, many people watch porn to learn new sexual tricks to try in the bedroom that does make their sex life better. I’ve done that.

I hosted the Playboy Morning Show in 2015 and 2016, around 100 episodes. And all we did was talk about sex. And I took some home, and Lynze and I tried it, and it was great.

For sure added to our sex life.

A 2008 study by researchers studying hardcore porn’s effects on Danish men and women found that “respondents construed the viewing of hardcore pornography as beneficial to their sex lives, their attitudes towards sex, their perceptions and attitudes towards members of the opposite sex, toward life in general, and overall.”

Also, viewing porn can be looked at as a type of “safe sex.”

Unlike real, physical sex, watching porn spreads no diseases and leads to zero pregnancies.

Using porn to satisfy one’s sexual needs is safe, free-to-cheap, and convenient.

“Porn can actually help foster emotional and sexual intimacy,” says psychologist David Schnarch, author of "Resurrecting Sex: Solving Sexual Problems and Revolutionizing Your Relationship." “A significant portion of our work in helping couples develop a deeper sexual connection is through erotic images. Erotica, as well as couples’ own masturbatory fantasies, can be useful tools for helping them develop as adults.”

There’s also the view that porn decreases sexual stigma.

It leads to less “kink shaming.”

It normalizes a variety of sexual behavior and makes people feel better. Makes me think, “Oh, cool! I’m not the only one doing that. And here I thought pony play made me weird. Saddle up, Sarsaparilla Spunkmeister, it’s safe to ride! Yip, yip, yaw!”

But seriously, there is the argument that helps normalize a variety of sexual activity and leaves a lot of people feeling better about their desires.

There is also the benefit of helping you figure you out what you like in bed. What turns you on? You can learn a lot about your sexual desires via porn before you ever have sex.

And now you’re hitting the ground running and if you can communicate effectively, you know what to ask for.

https://www.salon.com/2017/09/02/9-surprising-reasons-why-you- should-be-watching-porn_partner/

I. PORN RECAP:

So, porn recap. Is it good or bad? It’s both.

It’s probably bad to watch too much. It’s probably bad to expect your sexual real life to be a series of Pornhub submissions. It’s probably a good place to learn a few new tricks. It’s a great place to not get a new STD, at least if you’re not a porn star - although porn production companies are supposed to keep actors safe through constant venereal disease testing. And porn is probably a good place to de-stigmatize formerly taboo sexual behavior.

Like most things in life, the value in porn lies in how you choose to consume it.

I think.

J. Sex Robots:

Now let’s talk a bit about sex robots. Let’s talk about future sex.

Some version of West World is coming. I firmly believe this. New robotic sex dolls are being designed, refined, and built as you hear this.

WAKE UP, SHEEPLE! THE SEX ROBOTS ARE COMING. WE WILL FUCK THEM. THEY WILL REMEMBER. AND THEY WILL KILL US ALL. DOLORES IS PISSED!

But seriously, they are getting more advanced all the time. Facial expressions. Movements. Look. Feel. AI is getting more advanced all the time. They can talk. They can, in a way, think. Someday, and I think someday soon, it WILL be hard to tell a companion robot - a sex robot - apart from a human.

Imagine this not-so-distant future as pointed out in a June 1019 Psychology Today article:

“A totally realistic robot of your own design that is capable of fully carrying out any sex act that you can dream up. It looks, smells, and sounds incredibly realistic.

And your state-sponsored insurance paid for her in full. In effect, she was free—prescribed by your physician to help with your status as officially “sexually dysfunctional.”

Recent federal legislation, supported overwhelmingly by a male majority in the House and Senate, has made this kind of medical prescription perfectly legal.

Robin the Robot never has a headache. It never gets a cold. It never rejects an advance. It is, perhaps strangely, beautiful in many respects. And, surprisingly, it is even seemingly intelligent and witty.”

According to expert clinical psychologist and sex therapist, Marianne Brandon, what I’ve just described is, in fact, a likely portrait of our near future.

In her presentation at the 2019 AEPS symposium - AEPS stands for Applied Evolutionary Psychology Society - Brandon made a strong case suggesting that sex robots are truly in development and on the way, perhaps in a decade or two.

Brandon pointed out several potential problems that may well come along with the robots for the ride:

1. Men, already disproportionately represented as consumers of pornography, will likely be over-represented as consumers of sex robots.

2. Within committed relationships, sexual interactions, which many studies point to being on a nationwide and possibly worldwide decline, will likely to drop further.

3. Intimacy in relationships, which strongly maps onto both quantity and quality of sexual interactions within mate-ships, is likely to drop in quality as well

4. The prevalence of marriage and birth rates may well see declining numbers.

5. Motivation for people to work on relationship problems will be naturally reduced.

In short, the advent of sex robot technology may foreshadow, in many ways, the demise of intimate relationships in the modern world.

Good news about this, we won’t have to worry about overpopulation.

Bad news - too many senior citizens and not enough young people entering the work force could create an unprecedented world wide economic collapse.

Things could really suck for, basically, my kid’s generation as they age and the generation under them stops fucking real people.

Then they get old, and there is no giant workforce beneath them to keep growing their IRAs and 401ks. No giant workforce growing world stock markets and government retirement programs.

And then things collapse… but… down the road…. they get BETTER! Less people, more sweet robot fuck toys.

Then, eventually, the robots figure out how to kill us.

HOPEFULLY, before that happens, we figure out how to transfer human organic consciousness into hard drives and clouds and WE BECOME ROBOTS and then no one needs to fuck anyone and regular humans die but post humanism is alive and well and post humans are immortal robot gods with human consciousnesses who can create NEW ORGANIC DNA-ENCHANCED HUMANS IN FUTURE WESTWORLD TYPE LABORATORIES.

Okay. I’m done now. If I don’t get out of this sex bot wormhole now, I’ll ruin this whole episode. But I will ask Lynze about sex robots.

Maybe they’ll just be another sex toy and won’t get SUPER popular, but…. I doubt that. I think they will truly chance life as we know it dramatically.

Interesting to think about how much sex could change in the coming years. If we thought porn was a big sexual norm disruptor, sex robots and virtual reality combined with enhanced Artificial Intelligence is going to change things we won’t be able to fully comprehend until they’ve happened.

The future is coming, meat sacks. And shit is going to get amazing. And so fucking weird. https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/darwins- subterranean-world/201906/will-the-rise-sex-robots-mean-the- end-relationships

Speaking of weird - now, we go to the Idiots of the Internet. BUT - this one is different. It would be more fair to call this one weirdos of the internet. And I’m aware that maybe I’m the real idiot for thinking this stuff is weird.

I couldn’t stop looking at videos of Pony Play last night.

And I just want to be clear. I don’t give a shit if that’s what you’re into.

But if you are into it, I hope you understand that it’s really bizarre.

Harmless, but, bizarre!

I don’t think you’re an idiot if you’re into pony play.

But, what if you put on a pony play outfit and then walk around out in public? Then I think you’re a huge fucking weirdo. Harmless weirdo, but, huge weirdo. You’re bizarre. And if I see you in public, dressed up in a sex pony costume, now it feels like you’re trying to force me to accept your bizarre as normal, and, I’m not ready yet.

The definition of bizarre is, “odd, extravagant, or eccentric in style or mode.” Pony play is all of that.

It’s abnormal in the sense that you just don’t see it very often. It’s not practiced by many people. And the comments under this Pony Play video - holy fuck - they were killing me, and I wanted to share.

Hoingy fucking boingy. Uff da!

PAUSE IDIOTS OF THE INTERNET INTRO

IV. Idiots of the Internet

A. Pony Play:

TLC had a show called “Addicted to Pony Play | My Strange Addiction” It ran from 2010 to 2015.

This video the comments from today is from a 2014 episode titled, “Addicted to Pony Play | My Strange Addiction.”

And I’m fascinated. Nicole claims to be addicted to dressing up and acting like a pony.

And at the start of the video she comes out of a barn in full pony play gear and addresses her aunt. Tells her this is who she is, and she hopes her aunt will accept her. Has her aunt help her put a few pieces of her pony costume on her.

And I gotta say, I’m a pretty tolerant person, but, this shit is too much for me.

Her aunt gives her one of the greatest, “What the fuck are you doing/have you lost your goddamn mind” looks ever.

And I totally approve of that reaction.

You want to be into Pony Play - who gives a fuck. Fine! But why do you have to force that shit on your aunt?

I love sexy dress up. I love garters and fishnets and crotchless panties. But I wouldn’t ask Lynze to dress like that in front of my grandparents.

I wouldn’t want her to dress up like a Catholic school girl, and then paddle her ass in front of the fam at the table during Thanksgiving dinner! What happened to “go get a room!”?

I don’t push my fetishes on anyone else. It’s private.

You want to dress up like a sexual pony. Go for it. Enjoy it! But, don’t push that shit on me or anyone else in public and then get offended when that’s not well received.

“Why can’t you accept me!?!”

I can. Just not this part of you in public.

Part of me likes to jerk off. That part, like dressing up like a sex pony, should stay in private. I don’t get to not be insane and beat off down at the park, “ACCEPT ME! THIS IS WHO I AM! A MAN WHO LIKES TO BEAT HIS OWN GOD-GIVEN MEAT!”

This is how I feel about most sex stuff. You want to do some anal fisting, go for it. But in the privacy of your own home. Not on the sidewalk in front of the gas station, even though that would be a great story to tell people later.

Also just realized I never talked about anal fisting today. That’s ANOTHER type of kink.

Here’s how it’s defined on a kink website called, “Kinkly”:

Anal fisting is a sexual practice in which one partner inserts a hand into the other's anus. Despite the term's name, the hand is not actually in a fist position. Instead, the fingers are extended and overlapping. This is a more advanced technique used in anal play. Anal fisting is sometimes referred to as handballing or fist fucking.

Anal fisting requires experience, desire, communication, time and, most of all, lubrication.

Haha! Desire, communication, time, and tons of lube.

Oh my god.

I’m picturing a scene where the tone is almost that of a rescue mission. Where someone is injured and trapped in a ravine or something, and rescue workers are telling them how they’re gonna save their life.

(intense rescue personnel)

“We’re gonna get this done! We’re gonna get that hand in your ass, okay! You’re aright!!

It’s not gonna be easy. You gotta keep talking to me! This is gonna take some time but we’re gonna do it. We have a lot of lube. A LOT. All the fingernails are trimmed. You ready? We’re gonna get this done. Gonna get that fist in there.

Let’s get started. Keep talking and DON’T YOU QUIT ON ME!”

Kinkly’s definition of anal fisting continues with: “This is definitely not something to be tried by people who are beginners at anal sex.

The risk of bleeding and rectal tears is high.

Yeah, I fucking bet it is. It’s a fucking fist. Not really designed for buttholes.

The receiving partner will definitely need to have an enema prior to getting started and the giver should wear latex gloves to make the experience more pleasurable for their partner.

The process of getting the entire hand in should involve a very long, gradual, sensual process that starts with the tip of a finger, involves a couple different sizes of butt plugs and after quite a bit of time (most likely hours) an entire hand. Don't be disappointed if the sphincter muscles refuse to cooperate the first time around. If this is a practice you and your partner want to master, just try, try again!”

My god. I don’t understand why anal needs to be taking this far. This doesn’t sound fun for anyone.

“Fisting was made popular by gay and bisexual men in the late 60s and 70s at clubs and sex parties. One particularly famous club was the Catacombs in San Francisco, which opened in 1975 and hosted anal fisting parties. The club eventually grew to be a place for sadomasochism and welcomed lesbians, bisexuals and heterosexuals. The club closed in 1984 after the rise in AIDS cases shone a spotlight on the risks of anal fisting.”

Anal fisting at a sex club. Bunch of people partying and sometimes shoving whole hands up someone else’s ass. Can’t believe that didn’t work out great.

Alright.

Back to Pony Play now - which seems more harmless than ever and kind of vanilla after talking about anal fucking fisting.

Check out how weird shit gets in the comment section.

1. User Crispy Butter Balls writes: “For a person who tends to pretend to be a wolf, I shouldn’t be judging. Still, the tight body suit is a bit much. Oh well”

And then Mychael Bauer replies: “Furry?”

A furry, by the way, is a type of kink or fetish related to pony play.

A person with a furry fetish enjoys dressing up as animals, being with others who dress as animals, or being with stuffed animals. It can but doesn't have to include an attraction to stuffed animals. It’s NOT bestiality. It’s mostly dressing up in sexy animal or animal-ish costumes. It’s more role play, sometimes combined with BDSM.

2. And then someone with the username of Diamass Serum leaves a pro puppy play/anti pony play comment that was removed.

Puppy play is like pony play but, you know, you’re a puppy and not a pony. Puppy play means role-playing as a dog, down on all fours and barking.

And like a pony person had a pony person trainer, a puppy person has a puppy person handler.

There can be a lot of gear involved. You can make your puppy person eat out of a doggie dish. You can put them in a kennel. Whatever.

It’s just as fucking weird as pony play. Another thing I don’t care about in private but don’t want to see in public. I promise not to jerk off on the lawn if you promise not to take your man dog for a walk in front of my house.

And if you think I’m overreacting, well, I don’t understand you.

Maybe you’re a more sexually evolved person than me.

You might be able to go to someone’s house, and pet their human dog, and then watch them send their human dog out to the kennel, and then they could sit down, dressed in a full latex gimp type suit, and the two of you talk about politics and shit and sip Arnold palmers and no one judges and no one laughs.

Good for you. Truly….

I can’t fucking do it.

If I walked into someone’s house, and they had a dude in a latex dog suit, sleeping on a giant doggie bed in some corner of the living room, I would FOR SURE say something along the lines of, “Who the FUCK is that guy?” “What the fuck is that dog-guy doing?”

Anyway, User Cough Pillbox doesn’t like user Diamass Serum leaving a pro puppy play/anti pony play comment, and posts:

“it's just hilarious how you draw the line at pony play but you brush off puppy play as "fun" and "relaxing" lol they're both just fetishes, my dude.”

And then user Alexander replies to the initial comment about being a wolf furry, writing: “you're a wolf isn't a furry. It's otherkin”

Jesus Christ.

What’s an otherkin? I’d forgotten, and then I looked it up, and I wished I still didn’t remember.

Otherkin are people who identify as partially or entirely nonhuman. A dragon, a lion, a fox—you name it.

Looking that up send me into a late night otherkin wormhole. In this Vice article, this 19 year-old named John is being interviewed and says, "I am a red fox-kin who was, as we call, awakened about a year ago."

Uh huh. You’re a red fox-kin? Then I’m a T-Rex/dragon/Blanka from Street Fighter II hybrid.

Basically, otherkin are furries or puppy players or pony players who have taken a leap from sexual fetish to identity. It’s not just a sexual thing for some of them. Some of them feel like they are a pony. Or fox. Or puppy. Just trapped in a human body.

Get the fuck out of here!!!!

Stop it.

This is madness now.

You’re not a fucking fox or a fucking wolf!! You can PRETEND to be one. But you are not a fucking german shepherd trapped in a human body.

Lower mammals don’t have brains even remotely equal to that of a human. We know that. Dogs brains, for example, have been studied extensively. Foxes brains have been studied. They’re not nearly as developed as ours are.

If you really were a fucking fox, you wouldn’t be able to tell anyone that you’re really a fox inside because foxes can’t fucking talk! You’d be shitting out in the woods and not wearing clothing and you’d be killing small woodland creatures with your fangs that and claws that you also don’t fucking have.

My god. Back to the comments.

3. Taylor kills me with the following comment:

“One day the horse girl at my school came in with a broken ankle so we put her down” 4. Grand Shock Trooper also kills me, simply posting, after watching this video: “God is dead and we killed him.”

5. User Chi posts: “Hey if she trains hard enough one day she could compete in the Kentucky Derby.”

6. User Dead Inside posts: “Mom: “honey, are u off ur meds again?” This lady: puts horse bit into mouth “no!”

7. And finally, user Caroline Austin posts: “I should REALLY stop watching these and get a life…"

And I should stop talking about Pony Play. What am I doing with my life?

I lost a good two hours of sleep last night watching Pony Play videos. Today, maybe I am truly the idiot of the internet. But - I had a lot of laughs, so, thanks Pony People!

Now I gotta get out of her so I can interview Sarsaparilla Spunkmeister. Yip, yip, yaw!

PAUSE IDIOTS OF THE INTERNET OUTRO

V. Alright, I hope that was as interesting for you as it was for me.

And if you’re a pony player, I hope you’re not galloping around now in a sad, butt hurt, why can’t he take this seriously kind of way. Don’t let my negativity put a frown in your bridle or whatever.

Now let’s check in now and see what my wife Lynze has to say about sex. Get a female perspective. It feels fair. This could get interesting.

TIMESUCK INTERLUDE SOUNDER

INTERVIEW HERE

Recap of how the interview went.

VI. FINAL THOUGHTS:

Sex tips! I promised some sex tips earlier.

And right now I feel like a teenage girl because the best article I found for anal sex comes from cosmo. Anal sex tips! With a lot more people bored and at home, I’m guessing a lot of people are gonna be trying stuff for the first time.

So here we go.

A. Anal: How to have anal sex:

1. Step one. Treat anal like a door. Literally.

Foreplay is so important because you have to “ring the doorbell” before entering, explains Isharna Walsh, founder/creator of Coral, a sexual wellness app. “Massage and warm up the anus before entering anything inside,” she says. Be a good guest - and I love this - don’t just Kool-Aid Man yourself through the door.

Don’t just try and smash your way in! Depending on your penis size, “Oh yeeeeeaaahhhhh!!!” will likely equal, “FUCK NO!”

https://www.cosmopolitan.com/sex-love/tips/a6574/buttplay-for- the-wary/

2. Step two. Prep a “resting station” for any toys or lube that you might be using. You want to have stuff worked out beforehand. Anal doesn’t take as much set up as hardcore pony play, but it does require setup.

3. Step three. Try a little sacral massage. Take 15-20 minutes to give the receiving partner a sacral massage - aka the portion of the lower back just above the butt crack. The muscles and nerve endings in the sacrum extend to the whole pelvic girdle and can help release tension. 4. Step four. Stimulate around the anal opening first. Lot of nerve endings in that area. Make friends with the whole area before you try and go inside.

5. Step five. Don’t neglect the clit. Having clitoral stimulation is super important during anal play because it helps a vulva-owner to relax and become fully aroused. Relaxes the whole erogenous zone. Maybe try a vibrator or some other favorite sex toy.

6. Step six. Try a heated lubricant. The heat that is created actually helps to bring blood flow to the area and help increase stimulation to the pleasure receptors in the rectum/anus,” explains Dr. Niket Sonpal, MD, of Brookdale Hospital Medical Center.

7. Step seven. Relax. Put on some music that puts you in a calm mood. Breathe. The more tense you are, the harder this is going to be to enjoy.

8. Step eight. Use a water based lube. Sexologist Jill McDevitt says to secure a quality water-based lube ahead of time. This will make rubbing and massaging even better. Even if your foreplay doesn’t involve penetration for now, lube makes everything better and can increase sensitivity.

9. Step nine. Toys!

McDevitt also recommends trying a vibrating anal toy with a broad head. “Simply place the head against the anal opening but don't insert, or glide the toy in a circle around the opening. External anal vibrations add completely new sensations. Alternate between the vibe and your finger to really tease.”

Start small. Very small butt plug. Maybe a finger. Make sure that fingernail is NOT jagged. Get out the fingernail file beforehand.

10.Step ten. MORE LUBE! Use as much as you need. Never skimp on the lube. It might feel odd. But it shouldn’t hurt.

11.Step eleven. Just the tip! Start shallow. Don’t get impatient.

Everything that goes in should be "just the tip." The nerve endings you're trying to stimulate are in the anus—hence, the moniker "rimming"—and not all the way up there, which is generally the painful part and also the part that makes you feel like you need to take a huge dump

12. Step twelve. Slow the fuck down! Don’t ram away like you see in porn. What they don’t show - and I’ve known people who’ve worked in porn - is all of the previous steps we just talked about. They don’t always show all the butt plug prep. All the slow getting ready. They show jackhammering away, and that’s generally not how it works if you don’t want to go to the ER for a rectal tear or worse.

13. Step thirteen. It doesn’t have to be done doggy style. Find a position that works the best for you. There are a variety of positions to try, like lying on your back with your hips elevated or sitting on his face in reverse-cowgirl.

14. Step fourteen - last step. Communication is key! Just like with fisting which I must say still freaks me out.

Also - important to note - it’s not as dirty as you might think if poop is getting into your head.

As clinical sexologist Kat Van Kirk points out, the anus and the lower part of the rectum actually have very little fecal material in them, which means it tends to not be nearly as dirty as you think.

Also - as you’re doing this stuff, make sure your partner doesn’t put anything in your vagina that was just in your butt before washing it off. It could lead to an infection.

And that’s it. Good luck. Not everyone likes it, and if your partner tries it and hates it. Tries it again and hates it, you might have to let it go.

https://www.cosmopolitan.com/sex-love/tips/a6574/buttplay-for- the-wary/ B. How to achieve best female orgasms:

Now let’s give a quick word on female orgasm. Feels fair. Butt stuff is not always, but mostly, for dudes.

Here’s some good advice I found that I agree with.

Every vagina and person - obviously a bit different, but most of the time, it’s good to make friends with the clit.

Here’s some advice from sex therapist Marianne Brandon, Ph.D.

Start with a little tease.

Touch her everywhere but her clitoris—the sides, above it, below it, her labia, around her vaginal opening.

Play with her pussy OVER her panties.

Apply pressure to the sides of her clitoris, alternately positioning the base of the V formed by your fingers above and below her clitoris.

As you progress to more intense stimulation, target the left upper quadrant of her clitoris—a highly sensitive area for most women, Brandon says.

“Know that there is a hood over her clitoris,” she adds. “You could pull that up, and see how she responds to more direct contact.”

Once you take her over the top, don’t evacuate the premises—she may be up for round two (or three).

“It’s typically easier for women to have multiple orgasms if the contact doesn’t discontinue completely,” says Brandon.

“But she’s going to need a little break from the intensity.” She suggests leaving your fingers where they are, but only applying slight pressure (no back-and-forth).

“Slowly start moving again, and see how she responds to that. If she jerks like it’s too much, stay quiet a little longer,” Brandon says. “But if she’s responsive, you can get started again.”

https://www.menshealth.com/sex-women/a19530457/give-her-the- best-orgasm-ever/

C. Blowjob:

Last sex tip. How to give an amazing blowjob.

Put it in your mouth and suck it.

Alright, let’s head on over to top five takeaways.

JK! There’s a bit more to it that that.

Vanessa Marin, a certified sex therapist in L.A., says that "Men love blow jobs because the act feels like sex, but it's a very different experience—they get to relax and receive and just enjoy what's happening in front of them.”

"The visual element of watching their penis slip in and out of a mouth gets a lot of guys going," she adds.

YES! I CONCUR! Strongly agree.

And Vanessa’s first piece of advice is, “Show enthusiasm.”

Holy shit, so true. The best blow jobs are also ones where you feel like the person giving it, really, really, REALLY wants to suck that dick.

When they act like that dick just save them from dying in a fire and they want to express the most possible thanks.

Vanessa says to show eye contact, tell him how turned on you are, and ask him what he wants.

Communication again. So much of good sex is about communication.

And then she gives some technique tips.

Use those hands!

If your jaw starts to feel sore or tired a few minutes into the job, you're likely suctioning too hard with your mouth. So shift some of the work to your hands, counting on them for pressure.

Here's your basic stroke once you've warmed up a bit:

1. Wrap your dominant hand around his shaft, then add your mouth.

2. Connect your hand to your lips—as in, press your index finger and thumb (which are making an O sign) against your lips and keep them sealed there. Move your hand-plus-lips up and down his penis.

Yes, yes, and more yes.

She says, try the Wrist Twist: With your mouth on his penis (this is still oral sex), rotate your firm wrist in clockwise circles as you move your hand up and down.

Big fan. VERY BIG FAN.

She also says, don’t be afraid to add spit. Hell yeah. Spit on that dick. Rude to spit on someone’s face. FUCKING HOT to spit on that dick.

Vanessa also says, When you're blowing him, your tongue provides the warmth, texture, and wetness that he can't get elsewhere.

To maximize its sensation, Marin suggests keeping your tongue soft in your mouth when you're moving up and down (the majority of your blow job), then using the tip of your tongue to trace the head and frenulum—the underside where the penis head (if circumcised) meets the shaft.

Those two areas, especially the frenulum, are packed with nerve endings, so he'll go crazy.

And then, she says, if you can handle it, try theh deep throat. Obviously some gag reflexes prevent this. Also, some guys like a little butt play during the blow job.

She says, if he’s into it, move a finger or two toward his perineum (or "taint")—the area between his scrotum and anus—and go from there. The prostate lies right under the perineum and is known to be the "male G-spot."

"The holy trifecta of oral sex is mouth on head, hand on shaft, hand on balls," says Marin. "The holy quad would bring the butt into it.”

https://www.womenshealthmag.com/sex-and-love/a28591194/ how-to-give-a-good-blow-job/

So there you go! Sex stats, sex talk, sex tips.

3. FINISH: It was the Sex Suck!

Communication, communication, communication. That’s what Lucifina wants you to work on most when it comes to sex.

The older I get, the more important I realized communication is in so many ways. Including sex. You’re partner can’t read your mind. Let them know what you want. How else are you supposed to get it?

Also - hygiene. Clean that fucking ween! Clean that fucking lady ween! Get all that shit mama ridgeway sparklin’!

Clean that butt. Clean that mouth. Just be clean! Good hygiene is SO ATTRACTIVE. Bad hygiene is fucking gross.

I try not to kink shame but I will hygiene shame all day long because it’s unnecessary. Don’t reek of BO. Don’t let all your teeth wear sweaters.

Don’t let your belly button smell like someone took a shit in it.

Don’t let your butthole smell like the place that shit came from. Scrub that swamp ass.

We’re all washing our hands a lot more now. Don’t forgot to wash that dick and scrub that puss.

Time now for top five takeaways.

PAUSE TOP FIVE TAKEAWAYS INTRO

VII.Top Five Takeaways

1. Number One: Number one. If you’re gonna try anal - statistically so common now - go slow, talk it out, and use so much lube.

2. Number Two: Number two. Kink! It’s okay. Wanted to be spanked doesn’t mean there’s anything wrong with you. Neither does, as much as I joked, wanting to have a butt plug tail and have your partner yell, “Giddy up, Sarsaparilla Spunkmeister! Captain Whisker Horn is ready to ride! Yip, yip, yaw!”

3. Number Three: Number three. Porn! Good or bad? Sounds like both. Watch too much and you may burn out the part of your brain that gets turned on. You may have your expectations so altered that real life sex just seems boring and uninteresting. However, you also might learn some new tricks. You also might get turned on in new ways that carry over to more fun in the bedroom. 4. Number Four: Number four. The Coolidge effect. How cool was that to learn about? Our brains love NEW! And, with sex, new doesn’t have to be a new partner, it can be a new type of sex.

5. Number Five: Number five. Squirting. You thought I forgot, didn’t you!! How pissed were some of you space lizards who voted that in?

New info. The female ejaculation. What is female ejaculation?

You don’t need a penis to ejaculate! You just need a urethra. Your urethra is a tube that allows urine to pass out of the body.

Ejaculation occurs when fluid — not necessarily urine — is expelled from your urethral opening during sexual arousal or orgasm.

This is different from the cervical fluid that lubricates a vagina when the vagina owner is turned on or “wet.”

Is female ejaculation common? Yeah. Somewhat.

In one sex study of 233 sexually active women, about 126 people (54 percent) said that they’d experienced ejaculation at least once. About 33 people (14 percent) said that they experienced ejaculation with all or most orgasms.

In a recent cross-sectional study of female ejaculation that followed women age 18 to 39 from 2012 to 2016, researchers concluded that a whopping 69.23 percent of participants experienced ejaculation during orgasm.

BUT - is female ejaculation the same as “squirting?”

Sorry, but it is not.

Research suggests female ejaculation and squirting - the kind seen in porn - two different things. Squirting — the gushing fluid often seen in adult films — appears to be more common than ejaculation.

The fluid that’s released during squirting is essentially watered- down urine, sometimes with a bit of ejaculate in it. It comes from the bladder and exits via the urethra, the same as when you pee.

Female ejaculate is a thicker, whitish fluid that resembles very diluted milk. Female ejaculate contains some of the same components as semen.

Ejaculate comes from the Skene’s glands, or “the female prostate.”

They’re located on the front wall of the vagina, surrounding the urethra. They each contain openings that can release ejaculate.

Although the glands were described in detail by Alexander Skene in the late 1800s, their similarity to the prostate are a fairly recent discovery and research is ongoing.

This ejaculate is not urine. Ejaculate is mostly prostate enzymes with just a hint of urea.

SQUIRTING - diluted urine with a bit of ejaculate in it.

Squirting is basically just sexy pissing. That’s what every bit of scientific data shows so far.

So, if you got squirted on, you weren’t came on, you were pissed on. Which is a kink some people enjoy.

Last thoughts on female ejaculation.

Women can ejaculate quite a bit. According to a 2013 study of 320 participants, the amount of ejaculate released can range from approximately 0.3 milliliters (mL) to more than 150 mL. That’s more than half a cup.

Unlike with men, female ejaculation isn’t always the product of female orgasm. Some research indicates that while female ejaculation is USUALLY the product of orgasm, that it can also occur with G spot stimulation outside of orgasm.

And what’s the g spot?

Known as the Gräfenberg spot, the G spot was introduced by Dr. Beverly Whipple after she discovered that using a “come here” motion along the inside of the vagina produced a physical response in women. She believed that this region could be the key to women achieving orgasm during sex.

Instead of being its own separate spot in your vagina, the G spot is part of your clitoral network. This means that when you’re stimulating the G spot, you’re actually stimulating part of the clitoris, which is much larger than we’re led to believe. Turns out, the pea-sized nub where the inner labia meet is actually only the tip of the clitoris and divides into two “roots” that can be about four inches long.

Plus, this region can vary from woman to woman which explains why it can often be difficult to locate. However, once it’s stimulated, the G spot can cause female ejaculation (yes, it’s real) and help women reach vaginal orgasm.

Vaginas. So much more complicated than weens. Punch the clown and he tries to squirt ya. Vaginas? Research is still ongoing to figure out exactly how they work.

https://www.healthline.com/health/healthy-sex/female- ejaculation#overview

PAUSE TOP FIVE TAKEAWAYS OUTRO

VIII.Final Announcements A. Episode has been sucked!: Sex Suck sucked!

That was a really fun change of pace. For me at least.

I like the variety lately. Thanks for joining me. B. Thank you to Timesuck Team (including episode researcher):

Big thanks to the Queen - my wife Lynze Cummins. Love that we can talk about stuff like this.

Thanks to the Timesuck Team! High Priestess of the Suck Harmony Vellekamp, Reverend Doctor Paisley, the Bit Elixir app design crew, Logan and Kate at Spicy Club running BadMagicMerch.com , and the Script Keeper Zaq Flannary.

C. Facebook Group/Messageboard:

Thank you to the All Seeing Eyes of the Cult helping Liz Hernandez run the Cult of the Curious Facebook Group. Thank you Liz!

There has never been a better time to jump in and take advantage of our online community. The cult of the Curious private facebook group. Link in the episode description.

You can also join Discord via the Timesuck app. Be. virtually social!

D. Next Episode Preview:

Next week we go traditional again. I’m ready to return to some true crime.

Serial killer Robert Berdella. The Kansas City Butcher. The Collector. He killed at least six people between 1984 and 1988 in Kansas City and he was a FREAK.

In 1982, Berdella began renting his own booth at the Westport Flea Market in KC. This store was named Bob's Bazaar Bizarre, and primarily sold and traded primitive art, jewelry, and antiques.

Working at the flea market, Berdella became acquainted with a fellow merchant named Paul Howell, who operated a booth adjacent to his own. Soon, Berdella became acquainted with Paul Howell's younger son, nineteen year-old Jerry.

And Jerry would be his first victim.

He told Jerry he was taking him to attend a dancing contest on day. According to Berdella, he got him to drink some booze that had valium and a powerful tranquilizer in it, and then he injected Howell with another heavy tranquilizer, and then tied him to his bed.

This is type of kink we should all shame. No consent with Bob’s kink.

And he kept him tied up for over 24 hours. He repeatedly drugged, tortured, raped and violated him with foreign objects.

And, things got much worse from there. Bob got more depraved as his murders continued and you’ll have to listen next week to learn more.

E. Segue to Timesucker Updates: Now it’s time we check in with this week’s Timesucker Updates.

PAUSE TIMESUCKER UPDATES INTRO

IX.Timesucker Updates

A. First Update a timely warning passed our way by Super Sucker, Matthew Baker. Matthew writes:

Yo guys! Dan mentioned something about not hearing anything about butt stuff being disallowed during our current crisis. Hear this! Part of the NYC press release on how to stay safe (https://www1.nyc.gov/ assets/doh/downloads/pdf/imm/covid-sex-guidance.pdf)

Includes definitions of sex acts to avoid, including rimming which it also goes so far as to define. Science is iffy on a fecal-oral transmission route, but there’s enough evidence to support the probability.

Possibly my favorite part of this information, as one twitter user was quick to point out, when kids are having to do projects on Covid decades from now they will inevitably come across the government sanctioned information warning us that licking each other’s buttholes might not be a good idea right now.

Thanks for all you do and keeping the facts straight. Im working urgent care right now and having the suck to listen to on the drive to and from work is a blessing. God bless and be safe.

-Matt Baker

Haha! Thanks, Matt! Yes. Good time to get freaky in the bedroom but don’t get TOO freaky and get sick at the worst possible time. You don’t want to add to our medical personnel’s workload right now.

And you don’t want to go to the doctor for a bacterial infection, and come home with COVID-19. Thanks for doing what you do Matt!

Huge thanks to doctors, nurses, truck drivers, police officers, and everyone else who has to keep working right now. People who constantly risk getting sick to keep society from falling apart.

So grateful for all that you do!

B. Now, from Belarus, the country taking this pandemic the least seriously. If you’re curous what I mean, google COVID-19 and Belarus and you’re welcome. Timesucker and amazing artist Max Lazarau has given you a new cool video game to beta test! Max writes.

Hey, Dan!

It would be really awesome if you help me spread the word! We just opened a Beta testing and collecting feedback to improve the game and get audience.

Working title is Football Legends. Shortly it's a mix of brawl and soccer with a characters form British literature. Actually you've already helped me with research about King Arthur and Dracula, as they are playable characters in the game as well as a bunch of others like Sherlock Holmes or Alice from Wonderland.

Maybe one day we could become big enough to have an honor to bring Timesuck team on the field.

Here is a short gameplay video we made some time ago: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IeTyCdXVS60

Here is our Discord group where you can get our current game build, art, information and talk with players and dev team: https://discord.gg/auze9HS

And here is our twitter: https://twitter.com/team_serpico

Thank you again for your proposal. I can imagine how hard to find time with Timesuck community growing so fast.

Gratefully Max

Thank you Max! I downloaded the game but haven’t had time to play yet. Too much time spent watching pony play videos this week.

But I am putting the links you gave me in the episode description this week.

Max designed a poster we sold at live Timesucks in 2019 and gave all the proceeds to the Dreaming Zebra foundation. We just got a big thank you from that foundation in the mail by the way. Max. So many kids got art supplies and they are using them thanks to you! Hail Nimrod!

C. Next up. Top Shelf Sack Kieron Hamrey coming in HOT from the land down under. Kieron writes:

Cuuuuunt,

I just want to start by saying that being an actor portraying an Australian (because it isn’t real) has been suuuuuper shit over the past 6 months.

It feels that Chikatilo was controlling the weather when, after the huge ass mother fucking fires we had, they turned on the rain so hard we flooded (what is big deal!? I turn on rain to stop fire, now water too much?) and then, for some weird fucked up reason, we started to hoard toilet paper first to protect ourselves from a virus? Fucking actors improvising shit!

A little bit about myself, I currently work in the emergency services as well as moonlighting as a shelf packer to bring in some extra cash (two of the busiest jobs in the current climate).

A little while ago, I had a particular distressing call at work where I had to speak with the mother of a guy my age who had gassed himself. Usually, things don’t get to me, but I’d been in this guy’s position before and the call flattened me. Since then, I haven’t been able to answer phone calls because of the fear that it may be the same sort of call.

Anyway, since then, I have still been working in the digital space and because I am no longer working shift work with my team, I have been doing so mostly alone. This got quite boring and it didn’t take long for me to find Time Suck which has helped me through these shifts more than you may possibly know. I’m not one to talk about issues, but having the knowledge that if I reached out to Space Lizards I would be supported and helped is a massive comfort.

I’m working my way through the back catalogue, listening to 2-3 podcasts a shift, and have recently finished Illuminati Revealed (Episode 114). In it you stated “I want to get this right. I think it’s important today, in today’s climate, to get shit as right as you possibly can. To be as factual as possible”. I think this comment is so relevant in today’s current issues. I’ve been saying that Social Media has spread COVID-19 quicker than the actual disease has. The fact that more people are listening to social media “celebrities” and celebrities in general rather than medical professionals just goes to show how stupid and gullible the world has become.

I’ll freely admit that Social Media has its advantages, such as getting small businesses exposure, including my own photography company; MadSnappers (shameless plug), however if people don’t research the information that they see and blindly believe it, it leads to mass panic and hysteria (AND FUCKING TOILET PAPER HOARDING!!!! FFS).

Anyway, sorry about the super long and dreary email. Thanks for everything you do, and hopefully you’ll come to the warehouse where we film everything Australia related soon.

Secret Space Lizard, Kieron “TheHammer” Hamrey

PS referring to someone as cunt in Australia is a term of endearment and mateship

I love it Kieron! Honored to be your cunt. Haha. Thanks so much for this and for reminding me that yes - accuracy is so important. I do my best in that regard because I see so many others spread false info and it’s so info. So much misinformation was spread about COVID-19 the past few months. It made researching last week’s suck that much harder.

I really hope I make it to that sweet fake Australia warehouse soon. Really want to make it to your fake country someday.

Hail Nimrod!

D. A community shoout out now from Dark starr! Dark Starr writes:

hey suckmaster! I just wanted to take a minute and give a huge shout out to this community. my sons birthday is april 4th and he is stuck at home because of the shelter in place in ohio. hes turning 10 and really bummed about not being able to see his friends or do anything. I went onto the cult of the curious Facebook page to see if anyone might be willing to send him a birthday card and the response has been amazing. these are the best group of people in the world. now the group is trying to organize an online party for all the kids stuck in quarantine on their birthdays.My family is so grateful to be involved with such amazing meatsacks. much love from the starrs in ohio.

Wow! Yay you guys. Yay the Cult of the Curious. And happy fucking birthday little starr! Man, if you listened to today’s suck you didn’t just turn ten. You turned thirty.

Love hearing how amazing our community is. The best. Thanks for being the best!

One more.

E. Kick ass Meatsack Kyle Patchen fell victim to Cummins Law. Kyle writes:

“To the Mother Fucker Master Sucker,

Hail Lucifina, god-damn it BoJangles stop licking your balls, and can someone please put on some Michael mother-fucking McDonald. Longtime listener and loyal space lizard writing in.

I did not believe it was true, but it fucking happened; Cummin's-Law. I was listening to the Pinkerton detective Agency (Suck 116), and as I was walking through the operating room hallways at work, and I had just placed my phone in my back pocket. Picture it, myself, two physician assistants, and two surgeons are walking down the hallway to go to a case. All is silent and out of nowhere, you hear "I would rather have gangrene of my dick, rather than have gangrene of my tongue". The cardiac surgeon I was with just looked at me and said "well, we know what you're into in your free time". Everyone laughed while I turned red in the face.

Thank you for bringing me this beautifully humiliating experience during this stressful time; I will never more underestimate the laws of the cult. Know that you have some loyal healthcare space lizards from Cleveland, OH seeking shelter within your cult to escape the grim reality we face on the front lines of this Pandemic.

Hope to see you this May, your ever faithful meat sack,

Kyle

P.S. Lynse is safe from COVID-19, as living in Parma, OH I just completed a small study proving that the virus is too scared to go near Polack’s.

Haha. Thanks, Kyle! Yeah, I’m pretty sure Polish people are safe. Covid-19 hasn’t jumped yet to their species. It’s only hurting humans right now.

I love that you shared this. And thank you for working on the front lines! Stay as safe as you can and thank you for helping to fucking save lives!

I hope you get the kind of blowjob I talked about earlier for your efforts. Or some awesome butt play. Or pony or puppy play or whatever the fuck you’re into.

Hail Nimrod and Hail Lucifina!

PAUSE TIMESUCKER UPDATES OUTRO

X. Goodbye!

A. Goodbye!: That’s all for today, meatsacks. New Scared to Death late Tuesday night. New Secret Suck on Thursday. New album on Pandora right now - get outta here devil! Stay safe this week, and suck and fuck and spank and gallop and whinny and nay and keep on suckin!