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A Guide to Bar/Bat Mitzvah

A GUIDE TO BAR/BAT

TEMPLE SHA’AREY SHALOM

2012 - 2013

Dear Parents,

This is a special time for all of us. As the day of your child’s Bar or Bat Mitzvah approaches, the leadership of Temple Sha’arey Shalom shares the joyful anticipation of each particular family. We want you to know that we will do everything possible to insure that when your child is called to the as a Bar or Bat Mitzvah, it will be a joyous and meaningful milestone, bringing to each student a sense of fulfillment and pride.

Bar and Bat Mitzvah literally means “Son and Daughter of the Commandment”. Throughout most of , it has represented a ceremonial recognition that a young person has accepted responsibility for the observance of mitzvoth and for the well being of our people. The ceremony, however, is not the ultimate stage in Jewish learning. We at Sha’arey Shalom are committed to educating our students through the tenth grade, when class is held; and, beyond Confirmation, we encourage every member to participate in education. Lifelong study is the natural complement to Bar/Bat Mitzvah. ] As we look forward to your child’s Bar/Bat Mitzvah, so we anticipate celebrating his or her Confirmation and many other joyous events with you and your family.

Mazel Tov on reaching this time in your life!

Sincerely,

Rabbi Ari Rosenberg

BAR/BAT MITZVAH PREPARATION AT TEMPLE SHA’AREY SHALOM

STEP 1:

From the beginning of Religious School education, your child is prepared to be a practicing . Bar/Bat Mitzvah is but one of the options along this path. Our goal by the 7th grade is to have your child feel comfortable within the framework of a service.

Our curriculum is designed to give our students a broad understanding of the various facets of their heritage: God, holidays, life cycle celebration, , history, prayer and , ethics, and culture.

STEP 2:

Parents will be contacted a sufficient time in advance to determine a date for the Bar/Bat Mitzvah.

Our Board of Trustees has resolved that there be no more than a one-month gap between a child’s and his/her Bar/Bat Mitzvah date. Those students with birthdays from July 1- 31 will have their Bar/Bat Mitzvah observed in June. Those with birthdays from August 1-31 will have their Bar/Bat Mitzvah observed in September. Occasionally, there may be situations when the number of B’nai Mitzvah will require that observances be held in May or earlier, or October or later. A fee of $150 will be charged for any Bar/Bat Mitzvah date changes made after the dates are assigned.

STEP 3:

The Cantor is responsible for the individualized training of Hebrew reading and chanting skills for your child to become a Bat or Bar Mitzvah. The assigns the Torah and portions according to the Jewish calendar. Soon after the Cantor will begin the preparation. Preparation with the Cantor involves a half hour weekly lesson and regular practice by the student at home.

In order to fulfill the requirements of Bar or Bat Mitzvah fully, it is the obligation of each Bar or Bat Mitzvah to attend at least ten (10) Friday evening or morning services or study prior to his or her Bar/Bat Mitzvah. We ask parents to attend these services with their children. The students should report their service attendance to the Cantor at their next Bar/Bat Mitzvah lesson.

STEP 4:

The Rabbi offers a Family Bar/Bat Mitzvah Preparation Course which is required for Bar/Bat Mitzvah Families. It meets for one (1) two-hour session and normally occurs twice a year for those families celebrating a Bar or Bat Mitzvah over the next six-month period. The course is informational and is designed to allow each family the opportunity of communicating their feelings of pride and anxieties to one another. It is a time for sharing and learning about the tradition we call Bar/Bat Mitzvah.

STEP 5:

At least 6 months before the Bar/Bat Mitzvah, the Rabbi will set up appointments with your child. The Rabbi will meet with your child on an individual basis. He will discuss the significance of Bar/Bat Mitzvah with your child, the meaning of the Torah and Haftarah portion, the creation of a speech, and the importance of going on to Confirmation. The Rabbi also rehearses with your child on the Bimah.

ADDITIONAL TUTORING

In those cases where a child has fallen behind in his or her studies and preparation, he or she will be required to be privately tutored. The arrangements and payments for the tutorial lessons are to be made by the parents. The Religious School Principal can provide parents with the names and fees of tutors.

STEP 6:

GENERAL REQUIREMENTS

Students must be in good standing in the Religious School – all work must be up-to-date and all requirements of the Religious School fulfilled.

Our Religious School curriculum requires at least five years of attendance beginning in grade three and continuing to the end of the seventh grade year in order to receive Bar/Bat Mitzvah lessons and become a Bar/Bat Mitzvah.

THE BAR/BAT MITZVAH CELEBRATION

Our Congregation is geared to Shabbat Morning Bar/Bat . On Erev Shabbat (Friday night) the service belongs to the Congregation. Within the framework of the Erev Shabbat experience, the Bar/Bat Mitzvah family shares it . There are occasions when special services or other events are added to the joy of the evening.

2 FLOWERS FOR THE BIMAH

From time to time, parents of Bar/Bat Mitzvahs ask about decorating the Bimah. We believe that the Sanctuary’s beauty can be enhanced through floral and plant decorations on both ends of the Bimah. Our Bimah now has a permanent floral decoration. Bar/Bat Mitzvah families have the option of providing fresh flowers or plants for the Friday night and Saturday morning service.

We now require that mitzvah projects not be displayed on the Bimah. As proud as we are of our students’ mitzvah projects, when placed on the Bimah they can detract from the beauty of our worship space.

We, therefore, ask that when families wish to draw attention to a mitzvah project, they do so outside of the sanctuary. Families may set up an area in the Temple Lobby for a display of their mitzvah project. Please consult with the Rabbi, or the Cantor when you consider this.

THE BAR/BAT MITZVAH PARTICIPATION

WITHIN THE FRIDAY EVENING SERVICE

1. CANDLE BLESSING – The mother offers blessing over the Shabbat candles on Friday night. If you are having a Bat Mitzvah, your daughter will do it with you. If yours is a Bar Mitzvah, a daughter, sister, grandmother, or friend may share the honor with you, or you may say the blessing over the candles yourself or with your son. A “parents’ tape” is supplied to assist you in learning the Hebrew blessing. Please refer to the text on the last page of the booklet.

Please advise the Sisterhood Oneg Shabbat Chairperson who will be saying the blessing over the Shabbat candles at least six weeks before your date so that it may be included in the Scroll.

2. – The Bar/Bat Mitzvah chants the Kiddush in honor of the Shabbat on Friday evening.

3. ONEG SHABBAT – A list has been prepared as a guide for your use. (See Parental Responsibility)

SHABBAT MORNING

Our Temple provides you the opportunity to worship within a Reform framework. Our service begins at 10:30 a.m. and lasts until approximately 12:00 noon. We provide Kipot and Talleisim for those who wish to wear them.

For those B’nai Mitzvah wearing Talleisim, a special ceremony precedes the Torah service. The Sisterhood Judaica Shop can provide you with an appropriate for your child. Families can create their own personally designed Tallit at the Tallit workshop offered during the 6th grade year.

All people who attend our service on Saturday morning are invited to the Kiddush.

3 PARENTAL PARTICIPATION

WITHIN THE SHABBAT MORNING SERVICE

Parents need to be prepared to recite prayers at two points during the Shabbat morning service.

1. After the opening song, parents stand with their child at the foot of the Bimah, present a tallit (where applicable), and read the prayer at the bottom of page 380.

2. Parents will have an to the TORAH. We encourage both mother and father to share the third Aliyah prior to their child’s reading Torah. Text and tape is available from the Cantor if you need help preparing for this honor.

HONORS FOR FAMILY MEMBERS OTHER THAN PARENTS

1. Opening the Ark for the Barchu

2. Dressing and undressing of the Torah (younger siblings below the age of 13 may assist in this honor)

3. Opening Ark for the Aleynu

4. Aliyot to the Torah (being called to the Torah and saying the blessings). Our Temple allows up to 4 Aliyot in addition to the parents. Aliyot should be given to those people who have the knowledge to sing the blessings. Both men and women are eligible for Aliyot.

On the last page of this booklet is a copy of the Aliya Blessing in Hebrew and in transliteration. The chanting can be found on the “Parents’ Tape”.

WHEN ONE PARENT IS NOT JEWISH

Temple Sha’arey Shalom, while committed to supporting and welcoming interfaith couples, recognizes the need to maintain the privileges accorded to -by-birth and Jews-by- choice. To that extent, our Ritual Committee has determined that a non-Jewish parent may participate in all aspects of worship except part of the Erev Shabbat candle blessing, the recitation of the Aliyah and the handing down of the Torah. A non-Jewish parent may recite the English prayer prior to the candle blessing, read the opening blessing in English on Shabbat morning, and stand with his/her spouse when called to the Torah.

See subsequent page for a fuller explanation.

4 BAR AND BAT MITZVAH PARTICIPATION

WITHIN THE SHABBAT MORNING SERVICE

Normally a Bar/Bat Mitzvah in our Temple leads the Shabbat morning service, has the fourth Aliyah, and chants his or her Torah and Haftarah portions and blessings.

At the end of the Torah service, the Bar/Bat Mitzvah gives a speech to the Congregation and may make a statement regarding his or her commitment to Confirmation.

At the conclusion of the service, the Bar/Bat Mitzvah will recite the blessings over the wine and in honor of Shabbat.

PARENTAL RESPONSIBILITIES

It is the tradition of our congregation that in honor of the occasion, the Bar/Bat Mitzvah Family shares their joy with the congregation by sponsoring the Oneg Shabbat at the Friday evening service.

You can contact the Sisterhood Oneg Chairperson to discuss an Oneg Shabbat package.

You also have the option to provide your own Oneg. Contact the Temple office for details.

We ask that decorations such as balloons, not be used at Friday evening Onegs.

The amount of food required has been based on the average attendance of a Friday night service of approximately 100-125 people. This figure assumes a minimal Bar/Bat Mitzvah family and guest attendance.

SHABBAT MORNING SERVICE

The Family supplies one unsliced Challah and wine for the Saturday morning service.

BABY SITTING – The Temple does not have facilities available for babysitting. Please consider making arrangements ahead of time for small children who may find it difficult to be attentive at the service.

KIDDUSH/RECEPTION/ROOM USE – To continue your celebration at Temple Sha’arey Shalom, please contact the Temple office (973-379-5387) as soon as possible to discuss a Kiddush and/or Reception and for a list of approved caterers.

USHERS – During the service, each Bar/Bat Mitzvah family must provide at least two ushers who are members of the Congregation. They must be present at the Temple from 10:00 a.m. on Saturday. Their duties are to control the flow of traffic to and from the Sanctuary, and to maintain proper decorum among the Congregation during the service. It is most effective when Congregants not invited to the Bar/Bat Mitzvah act as your ushers. (Many Bar/Bat Mitzvah parents fulfill this obligation for each other).

5 CHOIR – Our Temple has a volunteer Choir who sings at monthly Friday evening services and High Holidays. Their participation within the service on Shabbat morning is voluntary. When available, the Choir will be glad to sing on the morning of your child’s celebration. A $75 donation to the Choir Fund (which is used by the Choir for robes, music, etc.) is suggested. It is the parents’ responsibility to communicate your request in writing, with the Choir representative at least two (2) months in advance.

COMMUNICATING WITH THE TEMPLE – Sisterhood and Brotherhood will be presenting your child with a gift at Shabbat morning services. Since it will be more meaningful for your child if the presenter is known to him or her, we ask that you select a Sisterhood and Brotherhood member for the presentation. The speeches by Sisterhood and Brotherhood Representatives should be brief and focused on the of the child. Long-winded speeches that attempt to entertain often wind up demeaning and being an embarrassment to the significance of the Bar/Bat Mitzvah.

GIFTS TO THE TEMPLE – Throughout the centuries, Jews have maintained the beautiful custom of commemorating occasions of joy by making special contributions to their Temple. Our Temple has various funds designated for this purpose. Some of our Temple members have found a wonderful way to commemorate their Simcha is by purchasing a “leaf” for our Temple’s . A copy of the Temple’s Designated Funds can be obtained in the office or from the Temple Website.

TZEDAKAH IN HONOR OF THE OCCASION – One other suggestion: In the midst of celebrating our , thoughtful people wish to remember those who are less fortunate in our society. You may want to consider MAZON, an organization devoted to helping the hungry, or perhaps the ELIZABETH SOUP KITCHEN, co-sponsored by the Interfaith Council for the Homeless and Temple Sha’arey Shalom. For further information, contact Rabbi Goldstein.

OBLIGATIONS OF BAR/BAT MITZVAH FAMILIES – Congregants must be current in all Temple financial obligations eight weeks in advance of their child’s Bar/Bat Mitzvah. In the case of Bar/Bat Mitzvahs scheduled before June 30, being “current” includes (1) 100% of current year dues, (2) 100% of current year School tuition and (3) 100% of the total Building Fund obligation. In the case of Bar/Bat Mitzvahs scheduled after September 1 but before February 28, being “current” includes (1) 60% of current year dues, (2) School tuition, and (3) 100% of the total Building Fund obligation.

DIETARY RESTRICTIONS – Our Temple does not allow any pork, pork products, or shellfish to be used on its premises at any time.

JUDAICA SHOP – Talleisim and Kipot may be ordered through the Judaica Shop of the Temple. Call the appropriate chairperson.

BAR/BAT MITZVAH IN ISRAEL – Our Temple encourages families to consider the magnificent option of observing the Bar/Bat Mitzvah at Masada, by the , or in another appropriate location in Israel. For further information, contact Rabbi Goldstein or Cantor Daniels.

6 TEMPLE VIDEO TAPING – The Temple allows video taping of the Bar/Bat Mitzvah Saturday morning service within certain guidelines as delineated by the Rabbi.

INVITATIONS – The key phrases in any Bar/Bat Mitzvah invitation are as follows:

Our Son/Daughter will be called to the Torah as a Bar/Bat Mitzvah on …

We would be honored to have you worship with us at … OR Please join us in celebrating Shabbat at …

DRESS CODE – Our Temple does not have dress code. We believe that each and every one of you will know the attire that is fitting the respect due the Torah and your child on this religious occasion.

PHOTOGRAPHY - PHOTOGRAPHS BEFORE SERVICES ARE ALLOWED ONLY UNTIL 9:00 A.M. Pictures are not allowed during services. At the conclusion of the Shabbat morning service, you may take pictures of the cutting of the challah and Kiddush. After the Kiddush, picture taking is at your discretion.

INVITING THE ENTIRE CLASS – It is certainly a wonderful option to invite your child’s entire Religious School class to the party. It can, however, be an expensive option. On the other hand, the decision to invite most of the class, but not all, is extremely painful to those left out. Here is a suggestion: Either invite the entire class or invite no more than 25% of the class.

CUES FOR PEOPLE PARTICIPATING IN THE SERVICE … The Rabbi will meet with participants in the Bar/Bat Mitzvah service at 9:45 a.m. on Saturday morning. Please notify all participants to be in the sanctuary at that time.

DIRECTIONS TO THE TEMPLE – Directions to the Temple are available in the Temple office or on the Temple website (www.shaarey.org).

ONE FINAL NOTE … You as a Temple member are responsible for YOUR BUILDING. Please be sure to supervise your guests, or have a responsible person supervise them to insure that YOUR Temple is treated with the same respect as YOUR home. If you have any questions concerning fees, deposits, etc, please contact the Calendar Chairperson.

HOW MUCH CAN A NON-JEWISH MEMBER PARTICIPATE IN THE TEMPLE RITUAL?

That’s a question that has a number of Reform congregations shaking in their boots these days. After all, they don’t want to alienate anyone, fearing divisiveness. So they offer vague policies, intended to offend no one.

7 At Sha’arey Shalom, we have chosen a different road. Some years ago, we decided to confront the issue, recognizing that our members deserve to be respected through a clear policy. That policy, endorsed by our Ritual Committee and Board of Trustees, is based on two fundamental premises:

1. A recognition of the role the non-Jewish spouse has played in choosing to raise a Jewish family and to support a synagogue. That person must be offered much more than simply a token, peripheral role in our Temple.

2. Ritual must not become “make believe time”, in which a non-Jew is asked to masquerade as a Jew. Integrity demands that we not be dishonest about the question of religious identity.

Those two premises have led us to a most progressive stance which has been emulated in numerous other Reform . Essentially, it suggests that the non-Jewish partner always be allowed to stand with his/her spouse for any honor. It also enables non-Jews to recite the English when a candle blessing or “She’he’heeyanoo” is recited, to open the Ark curtain, to do readings, and to publicly speak from the Bimah to his/her Bar/Bat Mitzvah child. But, it asks non-Jews to refrain from publicly reading prayers or blessings which imply the Jewishness of the reader (i.e. the blessings for an Aliyah) and to forego the passing of the Torah Scroll “from generation to generation”.

This is a policy that makes sense to almost everyone who has asked about it, particularly non-Jewish parents of Bar/Bat Mitzvah students. Moreover, we want Sha’arey Shalom members to know that all of us can sing in the Choir, serve on a committee, join Sisterhood or Brotherhood, and be full voting members. In other words, we embrace the intermarried couples in our midst who have chosen to establish Jewish families. We want them to feel at home at Sha’arey Shalom. We want them to know that we recognize their children as Jews, no strings attached.

FOR FURTHER INFORMATION CONCERNING THIS BOOKLET,

PLEASE CONTACT THE TEMPLE OFFICE – 973-379-5387.

8 TRANSLITERATIONS OF HEBREW PRAYERS SAID BY PARENTS

Friday Night Candle Blessing

AS THESE SHABBAT CANDLES give light to all who behold them, so may we, by our lives, give light to all who behold us.

As their brightness reminds us of the generations of Israel who have kindled light, so may we, in our own day, be among those who kindle light.

The candles are lit before the blessing is recited.

BARUCH atah, Adonai Eloheinu, Melech haolam, asher kid’shanu b’mitzvotav, v’tzivanu l’hadlik ner shel Shabbat.

BLESSED ARE YOU, Adonai our God, Sovereign of the universe, who hallows us with mitzvot, commanding us to kindle the light of Shabbat.

9 BLESSINGS AT THE READING OF THE TORAH ______

Before the reading of the Torah

______

After the reading of the Torah

10

Aliyot

Once you hear your name in Hebrew called by the Cantor, please come up the right set of stairs to the Bimah. Take your Sidur with you. Touch the Torah with the Sidur or the Tallis and bring it to your lips. Then recite:

Start

BAR-CHU ET ADONAI HAM-VOR-AH

(The Congregation will say)

BARUCH ADONAI HAM-VOR-AH LE-O-LAM VO-ED

You will repeat:

BARUCH ADONAI HAM-VOR-AH LE-O-LAM VO-ED

Continue:

BARUCH ATA ADONAI, ELO HEI-NU ME-LECH HA-O-LAM

ASHER BA-CHAR BANU MI-KOL HA-A-MIM

VE-NA-TAN LA-NU ET TO-RA-TO

BARUCH A-TA, ADONAI, NO-TEIN HA-TO-RAH.

(Then step back for the Torah reader to read. Once he or she is finished, then step back to the podium and touch the Torah with either your Sidur or the Tallis. Then recite:

BARUCH A-TA, ADONAI, ELO-HEI-NU, ME-LECH HA-O-LAM

ASHER NA-TAN-LANU TO-RAT E-MET,

VE-CHA-YEI O-LAM NA-TA BETO-CHEI-NU

BARUCH A-TA ADONAI, NO-TEIN HA-TOR-AH.

(GOOD JOB)

11 INSTRUCTIONS FOR BAR/BAT MITZVAH USHERS

1. There must be at least two adult ushers. One is called, for purposes of clarity, the Outside Usher, the other is the Inside Usher.

2. Tallit and kipahs are available for those who wish to use them.

3. Front doors to the sanctuary are closed at 10:25. No one is to enter or exit from these doors until the service is over.

4. As people are entering the sanctuary, the Inside Usher directs them to available seating. He/she keeps an eye on teen-age guests and, if necessary, asks them to modify their behavior.

5. The Inside Usher may have to station himself/herself near the teen-agers in the sanctuary.

6. It is suggested that no more than one teen-ager be permitted to leave the sanctuary at any one time.

7. The Outside Usher permits people to enter only at appropriate times; never when the Congregation is standing, the child is reading the Torah, or chanting the Haftarah, or during the Rabbi’s sermon.

8. When the service is over, both ushers open the sanctuary doors and collect any kipot and tallitot being returned.

12 PARENTS’ GUIDE TO BAR/BAT MITZVAH CUES

FRIDAY EVENING

Arrive at least 15 minutes prior to service. Rabbi will call up by name those who are participating in the Erev Shabbat Candle Blessing. Participants read English, light two candles, chant or read the blessing in Hebrew, read the English, kiss the Rabbi (!)

SATURDAY MORNING

9:45 A.M. SHARP Rabbi reviews parts with all participants in the service. 10:00 A.M. Parents and Bar/Bat Mitzvah go to rabbi’s office to sign certificate and review cues. 10:30 A.M. Service Begins

1. TALLIT PRESENTATION After opening song, parents and child stand at foot of Bimah steps. One parent places Tallit on child’s shoulders. Child recites Tallit Blessing. Other parent holds the prayerbook open to page 380. Parents share the reading at the bottom of the page. Child hugs parents, and comes up to Rabbi’s podium. Parents are seated in front row.

2. HANDING DOWN THE TORAH GENERATION TO GENERATION Approximately 30 minutes into service, when Rabbi says “The Torah Service begins on page 363”, parents, Jewish grandparents, and perhaps siblings (for undressing the Torah) should stand (leave prayerbooks behind, walk up the side steps onto the Bimah, and wait to come forward when the Torah is taken from the Ark. The Scroll will be handed to grandparents, parents and student. One parent will hold the Scroll as we walk around the Sanctuary. The other parent and all grandparents can be seated in the congregation when we come to their seats. The parent holding the Scroll sits on a chair on the Bimah, as the Torah is undressed. When it is taken from him/her, that parent can return to sit in the congregation.

3. ALIYAH TO THE TORAH When your is said, stand and come up the side steps onto the Bimah and Rabbi’s podium. Touch the Torah with either the bottom of the Tallit or the prayerbook, kiss it, and then sing or say the first blessing (transliterations are on page 368 of the prayerbook, or on a card on the podium). Stand near Torah as Rabbi or student reads and translates. Then, touch Tallit or prayerbook again to the Torah, kiss it, and recite the second blessing.

Return to seat in the congregation. !

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