On good days, Asheville Disclaimer is parody/satire. Contact [email protected]. Contributing this week: Michele Scheve, Joe Shelton, Tom Scheve.

Like a Loose Cannon, Xmas Jam to introduce time limits Charles Rangel but Looser. rejected for bands this year punishments Out of concern the annual Christmas Jam concert extends too Briefs late into the night, organizers this year are implementing time The United States House recently decided to accept the Mountain 105.9 Rock Girl limits for each performance. Here’s a preview of this year’s schedule. recommendation of the Ethics Committee to crowned; Will represent bad censure long-time Congressman Charles Ran- music for entirety of year Drive-by Truckers: Umphrey’s McGee: gel. As censure is a serious and rarely used Have helpfully volunteered to 30 minutes to repeat over and punishment, many other options were first ex- In answer to bikini-waxing play zero minutes. over first few bars of any Wide- plored and rejected. They included: question, winner fails to articulate spread Panic/Allman Brothers/ • Taiwanese caning. Steve Miller Band: Phish/Dead song they choose; 1 ground-breaking economic theory 12-minute best-of montage. minute extra should band elect to • Public mocking by a town crier in publicly apologize for band name. period costume. Following announcement of winner, The Warren Haynes Band: • “World’s Best Grandpa” coffee 3 hours, 45 minutes. runners-up demand boner recount Ivan Neville: mug confiscated and destroyed. Fun fact: All 12 contestants Gregg Allman: 8 minutes, plus two extra minutes • Dunking Stool. named ‘Gym’ as favorite class 3 minutes to fix heroin backstage; for every Neville he brings on stage. • Purple Nurple. 4 minutes to ease in behind the Ham- • No TV till homework finished. in last completed grade evn inney mond B-3; 14-minute intro to “In K K : • Congressional escorts to stop just Memory of Elizabeth Reed”; 22-min- 15 minutes if he plays from be- before happy ending every time. Abused-children advocacy ute extended jam of “Elizabeth Reed” hind curtain; 3 minutes if unobscured. following what crowd believes to be • Write “Chuck sucks” 1,000 times on group honors local man who their end-of-song applause. The Dirty Dozen Brass Band: chalkboard using only nails. changed Facebook profile pic • Inflatable hemorrhoid ring removed John Bell All dozen members will receive 24 minutes to divvy up between themselves. from congressional seat. to cartoon dog for one day (Widespread Panic): • Hair relaxer switched from 6 minutes; 8 minutes if on stage Humble hero: ‘Literally, literally Missing Cats: Sulfur 8 to Uranium 235. simultaneously with JoJo (in which 2 minutes to establish who this the least I could do’ case JoJo’s scheduled 6-minute set band is, then 1 minute to break will be cancelled). down instruments. Woman credits yoga with Convict texts saving her from bear attack A convicted murderer in Raleigh, Sadly, companion who relied on recently caught using a stolen cell Out & About with Your Best Friend phone in prison, has released a Tai Chi mauled to death Barb, the Bipolar Optimist guide to prisoners’ texting lingo. Some interesting entries: St. Louis listed as “most It’s time to sing, it’s time to go to underground swingers clubs hristmas time is here let s go dangerous city,” yet backs ’ , C , ’ ! KHOTG! — down after receiving aggressive • There’s so much to do this holi- tume on top of that! Then off to Killed the hell outta that guy! day season that I could turn off the helicopter pad! TBS — Toothbrush shiv. shoulder bump from Detroit my phone and fall off the face of MLFA? — Meatloaf again? the Earth and worry my family • Oh man, it’s snowing every- SSD — Serial soap-dropper. Ireland’s austerity measures with my lack of communication one, let’s streak through down- BAIS — Bored and in solitary. until next summer! town or just do something fi- not set to affect popular nally, OK? I bet the Biltmore CVT! — Conjugal visit today! Drunken Donnybrook Fund • These brisk winter mornings house is lonely at night. Can NKTIS — Nobody knows the make me want to wrap Christ- Sorry something just finally happen trouble I’ve seen mas lights around myself and I never got around here — I’m so bored FAT — Fresh air time Haiti’s post-election melee visit all my friends or just people back with you! something’s getting set on fire, (imminent escape). comes as welcome relief I’ve heard about and slide down seriously! TBTS — Too big to suitcase their chimneys, seriously! I mean, I’d (conceal). to choleric malaise wear clothes too, sheesh! I’d wear green • Jing-a-ling, ring-a-ling-ling, sheesh! tights, a Christmas dress, my favorite Christmas songs remind me of the se- STP! — Suitcase too packed! Hate crimes down in national shirt, warm boots, red tights, a sweater mester I had to take off back in college I got last year, a sweater I got two years because I was awake for almost six poll, but hateful plotting and ago, an elf costume, and a sexy elf cos- weeks straight! Deck the halls with joy scheming dramatically up tume on top of that and a sexy Santa cos- to the world, fa la la la la, do re mi!