JOHN POPPER Alexis De Toqueville was gifted with a visionary insight. Considering his time and plaCe in the world he is Credite d with many amazing prediCtions, and although his propheCy that all wars in the 20th Century would be fought with giant, quilted marionettes with three small guys inside never panned out, he did say something quite profo und, "MusiC is freedom, freedom is musiC, so leave me the hell alone." These as well were the dying words of Gen eral George Armstrong Custer. A huge fan of De Toqueville, Custer learned only too late the gist of his mentor's a dage. History might have gone down quite differently, and Countless lives saved, had the misguided general and so many military leaders like him had indeed realized that music is free, and freedom musiCal. It is with this idea firmly in hand that harmonica wunderkin John C. Popper soldiers forth his saCred Cause. It was Popper, who as a young boy was stolen from his natural parents by shriners, and these were not ordinary shriners mind you, but the cream of the crop of the World Illuminati Intelligence Organization. He was fed a stea dy diet of muskrat flesh and day old, gin soaked bread as he was nourished solely on things sCientifiCally proven to depress him slightly. This melanCholy was nurtured into the deepest, purest traditions of blues musiC. On obta ining puberty, Popper was then subjeCted to a systematic government projeCt of having his heart ritually broken every third day of the week for two years straight. Several gypsy women were hired to loCate his mother and tell her things to guarantee Popper could rightly say, "Gypsy woman told my mother...". Only the most pure breed m ojo hens and their acCompanying mojo roots were used in the extracts injeCted into the base of his neCk daily. In this, the attempt to Create the "perfeCt" blues musiCian. But oh, the folly of man. Just as De Toqueville was wrong about the futuristiC marionette trio warriors, and as Custer was about traveling farther west of Ohio, this well int entioned, if bureauCratiC secret government soCietal project began to go woefully awry. There is muCh debate as to why it went awry. Dr. Oopsolla Shabangi of Kenya Claims to have partiCipated in elements of this projeCt, and was willing to Come forward with his opinion, "The bastard just wouldn't listen. You tell him something, in one e ar and out the other, and what a slob. I've never seen anyone blow off Oragami with suCh apathy. But man Can he meringue." Shabangi goes on, "I think that our test subjeCt was doomed to the result of rebellious adolesCenCe, when that adolesCenCe finally Came." Cardinal Sheira Massah Sojourn, ViCe Admiral of the Armenian ChurCh, hold s several PHD's and was brought in to deal with the specific problem of Popper's adolescence. She recalls, "It was as if he was grasping our training at an alarming rate instead of 'waking up this morning as all good blues men s hould.' Popper would simply stay up all night having woken up weeks before. Oh sure he would be Caught nappi ng in the afternoons, but that's just a few hours. Who Could write a blues song about that. We kept preaChing to h im Chapter and verse about the old blues purists like Slapmeat Mudbone and Triple Blind Lemon Wedge, but so mehow Popper kept smuggling in Beatles albums. And Hendrix!...." Dr. Sojourn was unable to Continue upon me ntioning the name Hendrix. Apparently the episode has left her traumatized. What seems to have happened was a great falling out between the powerful underground "Blues movement and its most expensively farmed protegee to date. Popper is reported to have (aCCording to sourCes who wish to be u nnamed) "run amuck" soon it would seem, to the point of futility to his handlers. It was deCided in late 1982, aCC ording to the Breacher document (NNC-5), that the projeCt should be abandoned and Popper should be destroye d. The only way a seCret government organization Can exist, as a seCret organization, is to seCretly at all times Co ntrol it's seCrets and plausible deniability. There must be no witnesses. At this point reports beCome sketChy. Eit her there was a mole, or a leak, or the top seCret agents might have been talking too loudly. But at some point Po pper Caught wind of the revised agenda and esCaped in what would be a lavish and expensively filmed three day running gun battle/Car chase later to be reCreated by Arnold SChwartzenegger in his box offiCe flop Hello Tiny SC hoolgirl. In the aCtual version Popper did esCape, and there was no love affair with a 12 year-old girl. The Eightie s would become Popper's time to wander town to town, up and down the dial. Through all of the juke joints and cafes, and out on the mean streets of suburban Princeton. Popper would hone his dark art and make it his own. I n time, he would meet his fellow Colleagues and help form Blues Traveler. The exploits of this illiCit knighthood a re well doCumented, but there was still lingering a restless burning from Popper's tortuous past. For the next part of this story we whisk you magiCally to Mackenzie, Iowa, the boyhood and retirement home of Commander Zag RiCCio. Zag had spent the better part of his life trying to prove that suCh Conspiracies that had ha ppened to Popper were not only existent, but gradually and prevalently Casting the silhouette of a vast and Cover t seCret soCiety that was entrenChed, ensConced, and international. For all of his fruitless efforts and tireless labo r, the good Commander Could never quite hang on to tangible proof of the existenCe of what he termed, "The Mov ement." RiCCio was of Course disCredited, his fortunes Coming to nothing. He died broke and broken, and dishono rably discharged. It would be his son Crugie, or Krugerrand for short, who watched his father go down. The trau ma stuCk with him through his formative years and on beComing an adult, Crugie RiCCio opted for a life of govern ment investigation. No aCCredited agenCy would have him, Claiming that his "third nipple" left him unfit for servi ce. Crugie was forced to join the American Auto Workers Association and it was here that the conspiracy had blu ndered. For few people know that the United Auto Workers AssoCiation hold offiCes with the most sweeping and broad power this or any nation has yet known. Did you know for example that a liCensed United Auto Worker re presentative has the authority to enter your home at will and try on your Clothes? This provision alone, under th e flammability aCt, made Crugie RiCCio a formidable one man opponent to the trembling illuminati who were no w beginning to realize their mistake. While rifling through the shirt and underwear drawers of Mister Lee IaCoCC a (Leon to his friends), RiCCio disCovered a very inCriminating pieCe of evidenCe. This evidenCe was two-fold: a de tailed letter Containing a list of blues songs IaCoCCa wanted Popper to learn in the past experiment, and a Corrob orating stain in his plaid boxers. RicCio refuses to explain how the stain is inCriminating, but insists it is importan t, and will not relinquish the garment. Reading how prominently Popper was mentioned, RiCCio knew that he mu st seek out Popper. For Popper's part, at this point he was working hand to mouth. A little Blues Traveler activity here, a little H.O.R.D.E. aCtivity there, and always exotiC danCing to pay the bills. Popper had heard something of the RiCCio investigations, but had dismissed it as misinformation to get his hopes up and draw him out. It wouldn 't be until the mid to late 90's before the two would come in contaCt in a meaningful way. The Hoxley Convention is held every year at New York City's Javits Center. This event displays the Cutting edge o f home power tools to dealers and distributors. It was here that Crugie RicCio, with his newly made position in th e United Auto Workers Organization, had Come to fulfill his job title of Chief Inspector and Czar of all power tools . On inspeCting the new Shatter Master 2000 (a spraying deviCe) used for bending fur and separating doorways, RiCCio had a sinking feeling as he watChed the spokesmodel go about his Vanna White hand presentations. RiCCio knew these hand gestures from somewhere. He then remembered as a boy, while rifling through his fathers brie fs, Coming aCross a stolen ConspiraCy memo "Hand Gestures and You, the key to all blues music," and immediatel y he knew this was the man he'd been seeking. His first enCounter with Popper became hostile. ConvinCed it was a set-up, Popper made a daring getaway on a 1996 John Deere Lawnjockey (available at most of your fine dealer s). Fortunately for the both of them, Crugie could outrun the '96 model, as it was made before the turbo charged unit. And after restraining Popper with eleCtriC tazer darts, nightstiCks, and steel wire, Convinced him that he wa s on his side and quickly set about rifling through his underwear. The two of them operate today as part of a cou nter seCret soCiety, seCret soCiety. Upon hearing this, the illuminati is reported to have formed a new ultra-seCret counter, counter, seCret soCiety, seCret soCiety, seCret soCiety.