"Change the Narrative" BOJACK HORSEMAN SPEC SCRIPT Hypothetical Season 6, Episode 1
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"Change the Narrative" BOJACK HORSEMAN SPEC SCRIPT Hypothetical Season 6, Episode 1 Matthew Onorato PREVIOUSLY ON: During Season 5 of Bojack Horseman, the gang finally found themselves back on top of Hollywoo with hit TV crime drama, Philbert. At the end of the season, Philbert is cancelled do to a PR crisis. Princess Carolyn accepts the life changing responsibility of adopting a child. Todd quits his job at the top of WhatTimeIsItRightNow.com. Mr. Peanutbutter panics and asks his young, vapid girlfriend, Pickles, to marry him rather than breaking things off. And with the help of a jaded Diane, Bojack finally faces the music and enters rehab. 2. TEASER EXT. REHAB CENTER - DAY Bojack sits in a lounge chair at an elegant pool worthy of a luxury resort. He looks around nervously before reaching under his chair and retrieving a bell. BOJACK (under breath) Didn't want to have to do this... Bojack begins to ring it loudly and without relent. BOJACK (CONT’D) Hellooo? Anyone? (beat) I SAID- Mercifully, TONYA (30s), rehab facility staff member, tends to the very needy Bojack. BOJACK (CONT’D) Oh, thank god Tonya. It's you. I was afraid it might be Michelle. TONYA Don't— BOJACK I hate Michelle. That girl sucks big time. TONYA —be mean. BOJACK Anyway. I am concerned because we are approaching late afternoon and I only had two and a half glasses of water. Dr. Janowitz specifically said I must have at least eight glasses a day. AT LEAST. I am so behind schedule. Can you please get me water? Please. TONYA Okay, Bojack... First of all relax. You're not going to die. BOJACK Die? What?! Die?! Who said anything about dying?! (MORE) 3. BOJACK (CONT’D) I wasn't thinking about dying until you just brought it up! Where's Michelle? I always liked her better anyway. TONYA Bojack...we can get you a nice, big, cold glass of water on the way to your mandatory session with Dr. Featherbutt. BOJACK What? Again? I'm not going. No way. TONYA You did hear me say mandatory, right? BOJACK You did hear me say I'm not going, right? Tonya takes a beat to compose herself. TONYA Complete the session and I'll find you some methadone, alright? Bojack immediately pops up and sprints out of frame. BOJACK (O.S.) Come on, Tonya keep up! Michelle is so much faster than you! 4. ACT 1 Morning Time Hollywoo opening graphics. INT. MORNING TIME HOLLYWOO STUDIO - DAY A Ryan Seacrest Type sits on set with note cards in hand. RYAN SEACREST TYPE Morning time, Hollywoo! I'm A Ryan Seacrest Type! Who's everyone talking about today? Bojack Horseman. Why? Because he's in rehab. How do I know this? Because I hear the people talking with my ears. INT. PRINCESS CAROLYN'S APARTMENT - LIVING ROOM - DAY Princess Carolyn holds Untitled Princess Carolyn Project close to her chest in a Babybjörn as she watches Morning Time Hollywoo with Todd. Todd turns off the TV. TODD Poor Bojack. Princess Carolyn begins to pace. PRINCESS CAROLYN This will blow over, it always does. By the time he's done with rehab, I'll have Philbert back up and running and we'll be back on top of this town. Todd sits on her couch and buries his head in his hands. PRINCESS CAROLYN (CONT’D) I don't need any one of you panicking. Philbert will be back. I am Princess Carolyn and I always figure it out. Everyone stay calm. Untitled Princess Carolyn Project begins to cry. PRINCESS CAROLYN (CONT’D) Oh fish, why does she keep crying? I can't figure it out! Can somebody tell me why she's crying? 5. TODD Can you please stop talking like there are more people than just me here? It's really starting to freak me out. Who else is here? What am I missing? Todd looks around suspiciously. TODD (CONT’D) I have enough on my plate as is. PRINCESS CAROLYN You...the man who recently quit his cushy job, the only job he's ever had, and is back to doing literally nothing...have a lot on your plate? Princess Carolyn bobs the crying baby up and down in effort to get her to relax. TODD Yes, Princess Carolyn. And I can really do without your 'tude today. PRINCESS CAROLYN Jeez, what's eating you? Todd gazes out of the window. TODD There is an angel on an island and she calls for me. Princess Carolyn is a bit confused by the comment. PRINCESS CAROLYN ...Then go to her? TODD I can't. Todd slumps in the couch. TODD (CONT’D) The oceans are rough and I do not posses the strength to get to her. PRINCESS CAROLYN Good grief, Todd. That's a lot to unpack. Can I circle back on this once I find a new home for my TV show? 6. TODD Yeah... I guess. Untitled Princess Carolyn Project manages to grab a stack of paper off of a table and tosses it in a paper shredder. Princess Carolyn, unfazed, continues her pacing. TODD (CONT’D) You're just going to let her shred those papers? Untitled Princess Carolyn Project laughs and claps as the paper is chewed to strips. PRINCESS CAROLYN Oh, yeah sure. I've done enough intern work for all nine lives. I'm allergic to it at this point. But Untitled Princess Carolyn Project seems to like it. A phone starts to ring. Princess Carolyn frantically pats all of her pockets and looks around the room manically. PRINCESS CAROLYN (CONT’D) Where in the world did I put my phone... Suddenly, Untitled Princess Carolyn Project produces the phone and holds it up to Princess Carolyn's ear. Todd observes with amazement. PRINCESS CAROLYN (CONT’D) Lenny Turteltaub. Just the man I wanted to speak to. Lunch? Great. Where? Lovely. When? Perfect. Untitled Princess Carolyn Project hangs up the phone. Todd, transfixed, slowly rises to his feet. TODD Wait a second...do you realize what's going on here? PRINCESS CAROLYN Yeah, I'm going to get my TV show ba— TODD Princess Carolyn. You and Untitled Princess Carolyn Project just assumed one body, combined your powers, and solved a problem together! 7. PRINCESS CAROLYN Okay? I mean it's a Babybjörn. We definitely did not assume one body, you do know that right? Todd gets very serious. TODD I know what I need to do. INT. DIANE'S APARTMENT - DAY Diane sits on her futon and reads a book titled Empathy? EmpaME! Stop Giving Shit About Others, Give The Shits To Yourself. Her phone rings. INTERCUT WITH: INT. MR. PEANUTBUTTER'S CAR - DAY Mr. Peanutbutter talks on the phone via hands-free device. MR. PEANUTBUTTER Diane, Diane, Diane! How is my favorite...little...smart person look I need to come over are you around? Diane shuts her eyes and takes a deep breath. DIANE No, Mr. Peanutbutter. Now is not a good— MR. PEANUTBUTTER I think now is a perfect time! I may or may not have done something that possibly has potential to be one of, if not the, or maybe not even one of...you tell me...worst decisions I've ever made in my life. Diane flips through the pages of her book and stops at a highlighted passage. She reads along: DIANE (rehearsed) Mr. Peanutbutter. I understand that you are going through something. (MORE) 8. DIANE (CONT’D) But I also understand that I cannot be responsible for everyone's pain. Please respect my agency and— MR. PEANUTBUTTER Great! I'll be over in a jiff. Mr. Peanutbutter hangs up. MR. PEANUTBUTTER (CONT’D) What would I do without her? INT. REHAB CENTER - DR. FEATHERBUTT'S OFFICE - DAY Bojack, visibly upset, stands with his arms crossed in the corner of a therapist's office. DR. FEATHERBUTT, a duck sporting glasses and a cardigan, enters. Bojack rolls his eyes as Dr. Featherbutt thoughtfully surveys the room. Dr. Featherbutt takes a deep breath. DR. FEATHERBUTT I feel your anger in the air. Hostile energy hangs in the room like the pungent yet pleasant stench of a fine limburger cheese. BOJACK Can you spare me the theatrics so we can get this over with? Dr. Featherbutt waddles over to his desk. DR. FEATHERBUTT I'm glad you're here. I'm sure there's a lot you want to get off your chest considering the recent news cycle in Hollywoo. BOJACK Well that makes one of us because I am certainly not happy about being here wait...what? What news cycle? DR. FEATHERBUTT Oh! You don't know. Dr. Featherbutt reaches in a drawer and throws a THEM WEEKLY gossip magazine on his desk. An old photo of Bojack, pants around his ankles, pissing on a church is on the front cover. The headline reads ROCK BOTTOM. 9. BOJACK Oh come on, the church picture? Why did it have to be the church picture? Dr. Featherbutt holds up his cell phone and presses play on a video. A LATE NIGHT TV HOST is giving his monologue. LATE NIGHT TV HOST (ON SCREEN) Bojack Horseman? More like Bojack GetHimToRehabsman! The crowd in the video goes insane. It's the funniest thing they've ever heard. BOJACK How is that even funny? It's barely a joke! Dr. Featherbutt takes his phone, pushes some buttons, and gives it back to Bojack. Bojack scrolls through tweet after tweet mocking his current situation. Something in Bojack snaps. Irate, he screams at the anonymous tweeters on the other side of these posts.