Bojack Horseman Season 4: Episode 9.5 "Whorse House"
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BOJACK HORSEMAN SEASON 4: EPISODE 9.5 "WHORSE HOUSE" Written by Eric Yoder [email protected] FADE IN: EXT. BEACH - SUNSET An orange glow on the ocean. Two young lovers, CHLOE and ANTONIO, hold each other tenderly in their arms. CHLOE But Antonio, I never want you to leave! ANTONIO I must! I’ve killed my brother. His blood is on my hands. Antonio steps back, holds his hands up. They’re literally covered in blood. CHLOE Oh, Antonio, kiss me one last time! The two share a long, passionate kiss as the wind blows through their hair. INT. BOJACK’S HOUSE - DAY BOJACK and HOLLYHOCK sit on the sofa, BEATRICE on the armchair, all watching the soap opera on TV. Hollyhock and Beatrice look enamored, BoJack looks disgusted. BOJACK So she’s just going to make out with a murderer and not question it? HOLLYHOCK They’re in love, BoJack. It doesn’t matter who he killed. BOJACK Well, I’m glad to see these kind of shows are teaching you strong moral values. A KNOCK on the front door. BoJack heads over, as he opens the door... 2. BOJACK (CONT'D) Yes, this is the house of the incredibly famous and handsome BoJack Horseman. Autographs will cost... He notices no one is standing there. He looks down, sees a package. BOJACK (CONT'D) Oh. He takes the package inside, rips it open, takes out the papers, looks them over. Hollyhock comes over to him. HOLLYHOCK What’s that? BOJACK Your birth certificate results. HOLLYHOCK And? BoJack shakes his head “no.” HOLLYHOCK (CONT'D) Oh. She looks down, upset. Silence. BEATRICE Was that one of my suitors at the door? BOJACK No, mom, it wasn’t one of your damn, imaginary suitors. BEATRICE Don’t you use that tone of voice with me, Henrietta! BoJack SIGHS. HOLLYHOCK So, if I wasn’t born in LA, where was I born? BOJACK I don’t know. 3. HOLLYHOCK You didn’t sleep with any women outside the city? BOJACK Hmm, well there was that week in China... He examines Hollyhock, focuses on her eyes. BOJACK (CONT'D) ...but you don’t look Oriental at all. He taps his foot, deep in thought. He starts LAUGHING, clearly remembering something. BOJACK (CONT'D) And there was that weekend in New Orleans. He continues looking off into the distance, daydreaming, GIGGLING. BOJACK (CONT'D) Oh yeah. I wouldn’t mind heading back there to check things out. HOLLYHOCK Can I come? BoJack snaps out of his dirty thoughts, looks at Hollyhock. BOJACK What? No. HOLLYHOCK Why not? BOJACK Uh... someone needs to stay and watch my mom. HOLLYHOCK But that’s why we have Tina. INT. TINA’S ROOM - DAY Satanic symbols everywhere. A pentagram drawn on the floor with candles. Looks like a madman’s room. 4. Tina sits in a robe, smoking a joint on her bed. She looks at the camera, shrugs. INT. BOJACK’S HOUSE - DAY BoJack shakes his head. BOJACK Right. Listen, Hollyhock, you just- you can’t go. HOLLYHOCK It’s because you don’t want me to see the kind of people my mom might be, isn’t it? BOJACK Look, I just really think someone like you needs to stay with my mom. That’s all. They look at each other a few moments in silence. BEATRICE Henrietta! Stop distracting the girl! She’s about to miss Chloe tell Antonio she’s pregnant with his children. Hollyhock smiles at BoJack. HOLLYHOCK Okay, I trust you. BoJack watches Hollyhock head back over to Beatrice, looks nervous. He GULPS. OPENING TITLE SEQUENCE INT./EXT. BOJACK’S CAR - DAY Bojack drives with DIANE in the passenger seat. DIANE Remind me again why you couldn’t just take Hollyhock with you? BOJACK She’s too young to go to one of these places. 5. DIANE A whore house? BOJACK No. A whorse house. Diane looks confused. BOJACK (CONT'D) The w is silent. Diane rolls her eyes. Her phone RINGS. She answers it. DIANE Hey, Mr. Peanutbutter! INT. WOODCHUCK’S OFFICE - DAY MR. PEANUTBUTTER sits on the edge of Woodchuck’s desk. WOODCHUCK looks pissed. MR. PEANUTBUTTER Diane! Are you at the airport yet? INTERCUT BETWEEN DIANE AND MR. PEANUTBUTTER DIANE Almost. Why? MR. PEANUTBUTTER Cause you’re gonna be soaring across the sky when you hear the news! Woodchuck nudges Mr. Peanutbutter. WOODCHUCK Could you please not sit on my desk? Mr. Peanutbutter gets off, goes over, sits on a delicate little table with an expensive looking vase on it. Woodchuck looks even more pissed. DIANE So, what’s the news? MR. PEANUTBUTTER We just got back the latest polls, and Woodchuck Coodchuck-Berkowitz is in the lead! 6. DIANE That’s great! I mean, I’m not surprised given how irrelevant Jessica Biel is. MR. PEANUTBUTTER You never know, even a low-wattage star like her can pull some strings with Katrina by her side. Woodchuck comes over, pushes Mr. Peanutbutter. WOODCHUCK Could you not sit on that either? Mr. Peanutbutter gets off. As soon as he does, the table breaks. Woodchuck manages to catch the vase. He looks over, sees Mr. Peanutbutter sitting in his chair. Surprised, he accidentally drops the vase. It SHATTERS. Woodchuck shakes with anger. MR. PEANUTBUTTER When will you be back? DIANE Just a couple days. Woodchuck comes over, incredibly pissed. WOODCHUCK Get out of my seat! Mr. Peanutbutter gets up. Woodchuck sits down. Only Mr. Peanutbutter’s face can be seen. MR. PEANUTBUTTER Okay, well hurry back and good luck in your hunt. I miss you already. DIANE I miss you too, Mr. Peanutbutter. He hangs up. The rest of Mr. Peanutbutter’s body is shown to be sitting on Woodchuck’s lap. Woodchuck shakes his head, giving up. Mr. Peanutbutter smiles at him, his tongue sticking out, joyful. 7. INT. JESSICA BIEL’S OFFICE - DAY KATRINA looks over papers, frustrated. JESSICA leans back on a chair, her feet propped up on the desk, painting her nails. KATRINA Apparently the public doesn’t find you relatable because you’re a semi- relevant celebrity. Jessica GASPS. JESSICA BIEL Semi-relevant? KATRINA It says here they don’t think you can understand their problems because you’re rich. JESSICA BIEL That’s insane. She accidentally gets nail polish on her finger. She pulls out a $100 bill, uses it to wipe her finger. She crumples the bill up, tosses it in the trash. JESSICA BIEL (CONT'D) I’m just like them. KATRINA Well, apparently not enough. She paces, thinking. JESSICA BIEL I don’t understand. No one questioned Mr. Peanutbutter, and he was a celebrity. KATRINA That’s because he was an idiot. He blended right in with those poor saps. She stops pacing, a big smile on her face. KATRINA (CONT'D) That’s it! We just need to make you seem more like an average Joe. 8. JESSICA BIEL You mean, more like an average Jess. KATRINA What? No. That’s not a thing. See, this is why people don’t like you. INT. PRINCESS CAROLYN’S APARTMENT, BEDROOM - NIGHT PRINCESS CAROLYN tosses and turns in bed. Her eyes shoot open. She rubs her head, clearly in pain. PRINCESS CAROLYN Hangover... kicking... in. Only one way to stop it. She pulls out a bottle of wine from under her pillow, unscrews the top, goes to chug. Nothing. She shakes the bottle. PRINCESS CAROLYN (CONT'D) Damn it. INT. PRINCESS CAROLYN’S APARTMENT, KITCHEN - NIGHT Princess Carolyn opens up the fridge. Inside, there’s nothing but bottles of wine and little cans of cat food. She grabs a bottle, CHUGS from it, closes the fridge, heads back to her room. A GIGGLE from the darkness. PRINCESS CAROLYN Who’s there? She turns around. Another GIGGLE. The sound of something falling over. PRINCESS CAROLYN (CONT'D) I’m warning you, you don’t want to mess with a hungover feline. 9. She creeps over to the light switch, flips it, revealing... TODD and his DENTIST-CLOWNS performing an operation on a SMALL CHILD, unconscious, clamps holding his mouth open. PRINCESS CAROLYN (CONT'D) Todd! TODD Oh, hi, Princess Carolyn. You’re looking well. PRINCESS CAROLYN Cut the smooth talk. I told you last week I wanted this madhouse out of my apartment. TODD Yeah, but I had nowhere else to go, and I just figured, hey, she’s drunk and emotionally vulnerable, she won’t mind. Princess Carolyn SIGHS, shakes her head. PRINCESS CAROLYN I’m not going to get into how wrong that sounds given how many women are victims of- Wait, how were you operating on him in the dark? TODD With these night vision goggles I found! He pulls out a pair of sunglasses. PRINCESS CAROLYN Todd, those are sunglasses. TODD Then explain how they are operating on him so well? The inside of the child’s mouth is shown. Several teeth are missing, others cracked. There is toothpaste on his cheek and in his hair. Clearly they can’t see in the dark. PRINCESS CAROLYN Look, you need to pack this circus up and- and- The room starts to morph, her vision becomes hazy. She spots one of the clowns. 10. In her drunken stupor, his face distorts a bit. PRINCESS CAROLYN (CONT'D) And- Andy Samberg? CLOWN Yes, Princess Carolyn, it is I. PRINCESS CAROLYN Wow. I just loved your work in “The Social Network.” CLOWN That was Jesse Eisenberg. PRINCESS CAROLYN Oh, sorry. CLOWN Don’t worry, people mix us up all the time. It’s the Jewish nose.