BOJACK HORSEMAN SEASON 4: EPISODE 9.5 "WHORSE HOUSE"

Written by

Eric Yoder

[email protected] FADE IN:

EXT. BEACH - SUNSET An orange glow on the ocean. Two young lovers, CHLOE and ANTONIO, hold each other tenderly in their arms. CHLOE But Antonio, I never want you to leave! ANTONIO I must! I’ve killed my brother. His blood is on my hands. Antonio steps back, holds his hands up. They’re literally covered in blood. CHLOE Oh, Antonio, kiss me one last time! The two share a long, passionate kiss as the wind blows through their hair.

INT. BOJACK’S HOUSE - DAY BOJACK and HOLLYHOCK sit on the sofa, BEATRICE on the armchair, all watching the soap opera on TV. Hollyhock and Beatrice look enamored, BoJack looks disgusted. BOJACK So she’s just going to make out with a murderer and not question it? HOLLYHOCK They’re in love, BoJack. It doesn’t matter who he killed. BOJACK Well, I’m glad to see these kind of shows are teaching you strong moral values. A KNOCK on the front door. BoJack heads over, as he opens the door... 2.

BOJACK (CONT'D) Yes, this is the house of the incredibly famous and handsome BoJack Horseman. Autographs will cost... He notices no one is standing there. He looks down, sees a package. BOJACK (CONT'D) Oh. He takes the package inside, rips it open, takes out the papers, looks them over. Hollyhock comes over to him. HOLLYHOCK What’s that? BOJACK Your birth certificate results. HOLLYHOCK And? BoJack shakes his head “no.” HOLLYHOCK (CONT'D) Oh. She looks down, upset. Silence. BEATRICE Was that one of my suitors at the door? BOJACK No, mom, it wasn’t one of your damn, imaginary suitors. BEATRICE Don’t you use that tone of voice with me, Henrietta! BoJack SIGHS. HOLLYHOCK So, if I wasn’t born in LA, where was I born? BOJACK I don’t know. 3.

HOLLYHOCK You didn’t sleep with any women outside the city? BOJACK Hmm, well there was that week in China... He examines Hollyhock, focuses on her eyes. BOJACK (CONT'D) ...but you don’t look Oriental at all. He taps his foot, deep in thought. He starts LAUGHING, clearly remembering something. BOJACK (CONT'D) And there was that weekend in New Orleans. He continues looking off into the distance, daydreaming, GIGGLING. BOJACK (CONT'D) Oh yeah. I wouldn’t mind heading back there to check things out. HOLLYHOCK Can I come? BoJack snaps out of his dirty thoughts, looks at Hollyhock. BOJACK What? No. HOLLYHOCK Why not? BOJACK Uh... someone needs to stay and watch my mom. HOLLYHOCK But that’s why we have Tina.

INT. TINA’S ROOM - DAY Satanic symbols everywhere. A pentagram drawn on the floor with candles. Looks like a madman’s room. 4.

Tina sits in a robe, smoking a joint on her bed. She looks at the camera, shrugs.

INT. BOJACK’S HOUSE - DAY BoJack shakes his head. BOJACK Right. Listen, Hollyhock, you just- you can’t go. HOLLYHOCK It’s because you don’t want me to see the kind of people my mom might be, isn’t it? BOJACK Look, I just really think someone like you needs to stay with my mom. That’s all. They look at each other a few moments in silence. BEATRICE Henrietta! Stop distracting the girl! She’s about to miss Chloe tell Antonio she’s pregnant with his children. Hollyhock smiles at BoJack. HOLLYHOCK Okay, I trust you. BoJack watches Hollyhock head back over to Beatrice, looks nervous. He GULPS. OPENING TITLE SEQUENCE

INT./EXT. BOJACK’S CAR - DAY Bojack drives with DIANE in the passenger seat. DIANE Remind me again why you couldn’t just take Hollyhock with you? BOJACK She’s too young to go to one of these places. 5.

DIANE A whore house? BOJACK No. A whorse house. Diane looks confused. BOJACK (CONT'D) The w is silent. Diane rolls her eyes. Her phone RINGS. She answers it. DIANE Hey, Mr. Peanutbutter!

INT. WOODCHUCK’S OFFICE - DAY MR. PEANUTBUTTER sits on the edge of Woodchuck’s desk. WOODCHUCK looks pissed. MR. PEANUTBUTTER Diane! Are you at the airport yet? INTERCUT BETWEEN DIANE AND MR. PEANUTBUTTER DIANE Almost. Why? MR. PEANUTBUTTER Cause you’re gonna be soaring across the sky when you hear the news! Woodchuck nudges Mr. Peanutbutter. WOODCHUCK Could you please not sit on my desk? Mr. Peanutbutter gets off, goes over, sits on a delicate little table with an expensive looking vase on it. Woodchuck looks even more pissed. DIANE So, what’s the news? MR. PEANUTBUTTER We just got back the latest polls, and Woodchuck Coodchuck-Berkowitz is in the lead! 6.

DIANE That’s great! I mean, I’m not surprised given how irrelevant Jessica Biel is. MR. PEANUTBUTTER You never know, even a low-wattage star like her can pull some strings with Katrina by her side. Woodchuck comes over, pushes Mr. Peanutbutter. WOODCHUCK Could you not sit on that either? Mr. Peanutbutter gets off. As soon as he does, the table breaks. Woodchuck manages to catch the vase. He looks over, sees Mr. Peanutbutter sitting in his chair. Surprised, he accidentally drops the vase. It SHATTERS. Woodchuck shakes with anger. MR. PEANUTBUTTER When will you be back? DIANE Just a couple days. Woodchuck comes over, incredibly pissed. WOODCHUCK Get out of my seat! Mr. Peanutbutter gets up. Woodchuck sits down. Only Mr. Peanutbutter’s face can be seen. MR. PEANUTBUTTER Okay, well hurry back and good luck in your hunt. I miss you already. DIANE I miss you too, Mr. Peanutbutter. He hangs up. The rest of Mr. Peanutbutter’s body is shown to be sitting on Woodchuck’s lap. Woodchuck shakes his head, giving up. Mr. Peanutbutter smiles at him, his tongue sticking out, joyful. 7.

INT. JESSICA BIEL’S OFFICE - DAY KATRINA looks over papers, frustrated. JESSICA leans back on a chair, her feet propped up on the desk, painting her nails. KATRINA Apparently the public doesn’t find you relatable because you’re a semi- relevant celebrity. Jessica GASPS. JESSICA BIEL Semi-relevant? KATRINA It says here they don’t think you can understand their problems because you’re rich. JESSICA BIEL That’s insane. She accidentally gets nail polish on her finger. She pulls out a $100 bill, uses it to wipe her finger. She crumples the bill up, tosses it in the trash. JESSICA BIEL (CONT'D) I’m just like them. KATRINA Well, apparently not enough. She paces, thinking. JESSICA BIEL I don’t understand. No one questioned Mr. Peanutbutter, and he was a celebrity. KATRINA That’s because he was an idiot. He blended right in with those poor saps. She stops pacing, a big smile on her face. KATRINA (CONT'D) That’s it! We just need to make you seem more like an average Joe. 8.

JESSICA BIEL You mean, more like an average Jess. KATRINA What? No. That’s not a thing. See, this is why people don’t like you.

INT. PRINCESS CAROLYN’S APARTMENT, BEDROOM - NIGHT PRINCESS CAROLYN tosses and turns in bed. Her eyes shoot open. She rubs her head, clearly in pain. PRINCESS CAROLYN Hangover... kicking... in. Only one way to stop it. She pulls out a bottle of wine from under her pillow, unscrews the top, goes to chug. Nothing. She shakes the bottle. PRINCESS CAROLYN (CONT'D) Damn it.

INT. PRINCESS CAROLYN’S APARTMENT, KITCHEN - NIGHT Princess Carolyn opens up the fridge. Inside, there’s nothing but bottles of wine and little cans of cat food. She grabs a bottle, CHUGS from it, closes the fridge, heads back to her room. A GIGGLE from the darkness. PRINCESS CAROLYN Who’s there? She turns around. Another GIGGLE. The sound of something falling over. PRINCESS CAROLYN (CONT'D) I’m warning you, you don’t want to mess with a hungover feline. 9.

She creeps over to the light switch, flips it, revealing... TODD and his DENTIST-CLOWNS performing an operation on a SMALL CHILD, unconscious, clamps holding his mouth open. PRINCESS CAROLYN (CONT'D) Todd! TODD Oh, hi, Princess Carolyn. You’re looking well. PRINCESS CAROLYN Cut the smooth talk. I told you last week I wanted this madhouse out of my apartment. TODD Yeah, but I had nowhere else to go, and I just figured, hey, she’s drunk and emotionally vulnerable, she won’t mind. Princess Carolyn SIGHS, shakes her head. PRINCESS CAROLYN I’m not going to get into how wrong that sounds given how many women are victims of- Wait, how were you operating on him in the dark? TODD With these night vision goggles I found! He pulls out a pair of sunglasses. PRINCESS CAROLYN Todd, those are sunglasses. TODD Then explain how they are operating on him so well? The inside of the child’s mouth is shown. Several teeth are missing, others cracked. There is toothpaste on his cheek and in his hair. Clearly they can’t see in the dark. PRINCESS CAROLYN Look, you need to pack this circus up and- and- The room starts to morph, her vision becomes hazy. She spots one of the clowns. 10.

In her drunken stupor, his face distorts a bit. PRINCESS CAROLYN (CONT'D) And- Andy Samberg? CLOWN Yes, Princess Carolyn, it is I. PRINCESS CAROLYN Wow. I just loved your work in “The Social Network.” CLOWN That was Jesse Eisenberg. PRINCESS CAROLYN Oh, sorry. CLOWN Don’t worry, people mix us up all the time. It’s the Jewish nose. PRINCESS CAROLYN Well, I’m sure your movies are great too. CLOWN You know what movie would be great? One about dentist-clowns. PRINCESS CAROLYN Really? CLOWN Oh yeah. Total blockbuster. PRINCESS CAROLYN But... I don’t know if I’m ready to go back to work. I mean, I just had the miscarriage and- CLOWN Trust me, this is your breakout project. Todd snaps his fingers. TODD Princess Carolyn? Hello? She blinks repeatedly, snaps back to reality. 11.

TODD (CONT'D) You went all Kristen Stewart on me. I was trying to talk to you and there was, like, no emotion from you at all. PRINCESS CAROLYN Todd, I want to turn your business into a movie! TODD But you told me it was stupid. PRINCESS CAROLYN That’s when I was sober. Now that I’m drunk, I’m seeing things so much clearer. After all, what could go wrong? The child begins to wake up. CHILD Hello? Where’s my mom? One of the dentist-clowns hits him with a rubber mallet, knocking him back out.

EXT. BAREBACK - DAY An old Victorian style house with a large, wrap-around porch. BoJack and Diane walk down the sidewalk, approach the establishment. DIANE Nice place for a bunch of whores. BOJACK Whorses, Diane. Whorses. You’re the feminist. Show some respect. They stop at the steps that lead up to the porch. Diane inspects the sign that hangs next to the front door: “BAREBACK - NO SADDLES NEEDED.” DIANE That’s just wrong. BoJack leans over. BOJACK But it feels so right. 12.

DIANE Won’t they all get pregnant? BOJACK They take birth control. DIANE What about STDs. BOJACK They have a place out back for that.

EXT. BAREBACK, BACK YARD - DAY A cemetery. The GROUNDS KEEPER digs a fresh hole, throws a dead horse into it. GROUNDS KEEPER Syphilis takes another one.

EXT. BAREBACK - DAY BoJack and Diane walk up the steps, approach the man, HENRY, standing outside the front door. BOJACK Good day, kind sir. BoJack goes to open the door, Henry swats it away. HENRY Do you have an appointment? BOJACK I don’t need one. I’m BoJack Horseman. The man looks confused, clearly doesn’t know him. BOJACK (CONT'D) Acclaimed actor from “Horsin’ Around” and should-have-been Oscar nominee from “Secretariat.” HENRY Listen man, we don’t let actors from shitty high school productions in. 13.

BOJACK These weren’t high school productions, these were highly successful- The front door swings open, revealing RACHEL SATINE. RACHEL Henry, another one just shot his load all over my- Oh my God, I can’t believe it! I’m a huge fan! BOJACK Why thank you. (to Henry) See, she understands and appreciates my work. RACHEL What? No. Not you. Diane. DIANE Me? RACHEL I loved that article you wrote about how women shouldn’t be body shamed, and that we all should be empowered in our work. You’re actually the reason I started here. Diane rubs the back of her neck. DIANE Oh, wow. Great. I’m so glad I got you into the... whorse business. Rachel smiles at her, proud. BOJACK Look, do you think you could help us out? We’re trying to get inside. RACHEL Anything for a feminist icon like Diane. Hey, Henry, let them in. HENRY No. The rules clearly state- Rachel leans over, whispers into his ear. Henry gets a big smile on his face, GIGGLES. Diane and BoJack watch, look at each other, look back. 14.

Rachel stops whispering. HENRY (CONT'D) Okay, head on in. BOJACK Well, you can’t say she’s not good at her job. Diane looks grossed out.

INT. BAREBACK - DAY Rachel closes the front door, steps in front of BoJack and Diane. RACHEL So how can I help you? BOJACK I’m looking for a whorse that may have had a child. RACHEL Hmm, I don’t know any off the top of my head, but we can ask around. She waves for them to follow her. They all go to head up the stairs. A sexy whorse, VERONICA, comes out of one of the rooms downstairs, spots BoJack. VERONICA Hey there, big boy. BoJack looks around, sneaks back down the stairs. BOJACK Tell me you at least know who I am. VERONICA Timothée Chalamet? BOJACK What? No. He’s not a horse. And he’s also like, 30 years younger than me. VERONICA Really? Couldn’t tell. You look so... youthful. 15.

BOJACK Oh? Well, let me show you how youthful I really am. BoJack seductively GROWLS, goes to walk with Veronica. Diane’s arm reaches into frame, pulls BoJack away. DIANE Not now, Casanova. We’re not trying to make another child that won’t be able to find her mom. Let’s go. BoJack looks disappointed, heads back up the stairs.

EXT. HOLLYWOO SLUMS - DAY Jessica walks around in a shitty disguise - sunglasses, a clearly fake wig, and really ugly, mismatched clothes. Various people on the sidewalk MURMUR as she walks by. BIRD MAN Is that... shit! What’s her name? TURTLE DUDE Emma Stone? BIRD MAN No, less relevant. TURTLE DUDE Lindsay Lohan? BIRD MAN Noooo. Bird Man snaps his feathers. BIRD MAN (CONT'D) Jessica Biel! That’s it! TURTLE DUDE Who? BIRD MAN Exactly. More and more people recognize her, begin to SNAP photos on their phones. MEDIA VANS arrive, REPORTERS and JOURNALISTS begin to fill the area. 16.

An incredibly short TEENAGER wearing oversized glasses and a huge backpack runs over to Jessica, looks up at her. JESSICA BIEL Hello there, nerdy midget. What can I do for you? He opens his backpack, pulls out a CD. TEENAGER Do you think you could get Justin Timberlake to sign this? JESSICA BIEL I don’t know why you’d think I’d be able to do that. TEENAGER You are his wife, aren’t you? The swarm of media surrounds her, leans in to hear her answer. JESSICA BIEL You got me! She rips off the wig and sunglasses, tosses them to the side, hitting and knocking over the teenager. People SNAP photos, frenzy. REPORTER Jessica! Why are you in this part of Hollywoo? JESSICA BIEL I come to this part of town all the time. It really humbles me, you know? Reminds me we’re all the same. REPORTER So, is this a part of the campaign? JESSICA BIEL No! Don’t be ridiculous. I had absolutely no idea that you’d come here and give me all this free publicity. Katrina walks over with a podium with Jessica’s name on it, clearly planned for the media to come. 17.

REPORTER Why the disguise? JESSICA BIEL I like to blend in with the common folk. And I have to say, I’m surprised people recognized me given the lack of education in these parts. We’ve all seen the type of people here. Katrina looks nervous, slashes her throat with her hand, telling Jessica to stop. A BLACK MAN moves his hand. Jessica SCREAMS. JESSICA BIEL (CONT'D) Ahh! Don’t shoot me! BLACK MAN Uh, I was just going to raise my hand to ask a question. JESSICA BIEL Oh, well you know your kind. Katrina buries her face in her hands.

INT. PRINCESS CAROLYN’S OFFICE - DAY Princess Carolyn pours herself a drink, stumbles over to her desk, bringing the liquor bottle with her. She sits down, takes a deep breath. PRINCESS CAROLYN Okay, you can do this. She downs the drink in a GULP. PRINCESS CAROLYN (CONT'D) Just pick up the phone and- She attempts to dial the number, continually messes up from the alcohol in her system. PRINCESS CAROLYN (CONT'D) Dammit! Where’s Judah? Judah! Can you come here? I need help. This phone won’t work for me. Judah? She waits, nothing. 18.

PRINCESS CAROLYN (CONT'D) Fine. I’ll just do it myself. She slowly dials the number, being extra careful to get it right. She finally gets it. PRINCESS CAROLYN (CONT'D) Yes! No one does their job better than me. (beat) Hi, Andy! It’s Princess Carolyn! (beat) The agent. (beat) What do you mean you don’t know who I am? We just talked last night. (beat) No, this is not a prank call. Hello? Hello? She hangs up. PRINCESS CAROLYN (CONT'D) Celebrities. Always so damn moody. Okay, just gotta brush that one off. She downs another drink. She picks the phone back up, slowly dials another number. PRINCESS CAROLYN (CONT'D) Lenny! How are you? (beat) Great! Look, do I have a project for you! It’s about dentist-clowns. (beat) You know, like clowns that perform dental work on children. (beat) No, it’s not a horror movie. (beat) Well, I don’t have a script for it yet. (beat) No, there’s no stars attached to it yet either. Well, maybe Andy Samberg but- Hello? She hangs up, SIGHS. PRINCESS CAROLYN (CONT'D) This is going to be harder than I thought.

INT. BAREBACK - DAY BoJack, Diane, and Rachel make their way down the hall. MOANS and GRUNTS can be heard behind the various doors. They KNOCK on one of the doors. LAURA (O.S.) Just a minute! 19.

A MOOING noise can be heard from the door across the hall. BoJack and Diane look at each other shocked, confused. RACHEL We accommodate all kinds of fetishes here. The door they’re standing at opens, revealing LAURA in a sexy corset, whip in hand. A MAN wearing a diaper can be seen in the background, attached to a sling with a gag in his mouth. RACHEL (CONT'D) See what I mean. Laura closes the door. LAURA What do you want? I’m busy trying to dominate this loser. BOJACK Really simple question. I was wondering if you’ve ever had a child? LAURA Just because my clients call me mommy doesn’t mean I am one. Diane looks disgusted. LAURA (CONT'D) Look, I’ve got to get back in there. Johnny probably needs his diaper changed. Laura goes back into the room, closes the door. BOJACK Well, that was slightly scarring. DIANE No offense, BoJack, but don’t you think all these whorses are a little... young. BOJACK What are you saying? That I’m old? 20.

DIANE No. Well, yes. I mean none of them could have been here when you were here back in the 90s. BOJACK I know that. DIANE Then why are we wasted our time on these young girls? BoJack smiles, winks at her, goes to KNOCK on another door. Diane pulls him back. DIANE (CONT'D) No. We’re here on a mission, not to prey on girls half your age. BOJACK C’mon, I’m not that old! Diane looks at him, deadpan. Doesn't respond. BOJACK (CONT'D) Okay, fine! Buzz kill. (to Rachel) Do you have any, I don’t know, older workers here? RACHEL Well, we do have the elder wing. BoJack and Diane look at each other, hopeful.

INT. MSNB SEA STUDIOS - DAY TOM sits behind his desk, addresses the camera. TOM We now turn to our breaking news story. Actress turned politician Jessica Biel was spotted in the poverty ridden section of Hollywoo. Our very own Pedro Garcia was there to cover the story. FOOTAGE OF JESSICA BIEL IN HOLLYWOO Jessica stands at the podium, media in front of her. PEDRO pushes his way to the front of reporters, tries getting closer to Jessica. 21.

She notices him, pulls out pepper spray, shoots it in his eyes. He SCREAMS in pain. REPORTER Why did you just do that? JESSICA BIEL Look at him! His people are all sexual predators and drug dealers. And Lord knows I have to defend myself. None of these gay reporters are going to. There’s nothing sissier than a gay man. GASPS from the audience. JESSICA BIEL (CONT'D) And the police are useless in these parts. Nothing but pigs. We pan over at rapid speed to two cops, both actual PIGS, in their car eating donuts. The one shakes his head. PIG No respect.

INT. WOODCHUCK’S OFFICE - DAY Mr. Peanutbutter and Woodchuck watch the TV. Woodchuck and Mr. Peanutbutter throw their arms up, rejoice. They CHEER. MR. PEANUTBUTTER You’re sure to win the election now! WOODCHUCK Someone go get the bottle of champagne! We’re celebrating tonight! They CHEER again before Mr. Peanutbutter quickly goes quiet. MR. PEANUTBUTTER Wait. Should we really be celebrating these hateful comments? WOODCHUCK If it’s going to win us the election... yes! 22.

They throws their arms back up, continue celebrating.

INT. BAREBACK - DAY BoJack, Diane, and Rachel approach a door with a sign overhead: “Elder Wing.” Rachel opens the door, revealing another long hallway. DIANE Jesus! How big is this place? RACHEL I know, right? It’s like in all those cartoons on TV when you see the inside of a house and you’re like, how is it that big? Did the animator not see the outside? That’s so unrealistic. They walk down the hallway. BoJack and Diane COUGH. DIANE What’s that smell? BOJACK Yeah, it smells like I just got smacked in the face with flowers. RACHEL Oh, that’s perfume. They need it to mask the odor of the colostomy bags. BoJack and Diane look at each other, disgusted. They approach a door at the end of the hall. RACHEL (CONT'D) If anyone can help you, it’ll be Betty. She’s been here since the building was constructed. She KNOCKS on the door. DIANE Uh, wouldn’t that make her, like, 130 years old? That’s not possible. The door slowly opens, revealing BETTY. She’s in a wheelchair and incredibly wrinkled and skinny. 23.

DIANE (CONT'D) I stand corrected. Rachel SHOUTS at Betty. RACHEL Betty! I’ve brought you some guests! BETTY Okay, but I charge extra for girls. RACHEL No! Not that! They’re here to ask you a question! BOJACK Hi, Betty. I need to know if you remember anyone you worked with that may have had a child about seventeen years ago. Betty remains silent, her eyes close. BETTY It’s been seventeen years... BOJACK It’s okay. Just try to remember anything, anything at all. She opens her eyes. BETTY Do you want to hear this or not, mister? DIANE Why do I feel like I’ve heard that before? BETTY Now then... She closes her eyes again. BETTY (CONT'D) It’s been... been... She falls asleep, SNORES. BOJACK Great. I knew it was hopeless. 24.

Betty’s eye’s shoot back open. BETTY Sally! Everyone jumps back. BETTY (CONT'D) Yes, Sally Beau. Nice girl. Was obsessed with that comedian, BoJack Horseman. BOJACK That’s me! BETTY No, no. He was young and handsome. BOJACK I’m not old, you shriveled up piece- DIANE Ooookay, well thanks for your help! BETTY Was that it? You don’t want my... She spins around in her wheelchair. BETTY (CONT'D) ...services? DIANE Can you even perform your kind of services in your condition? BETTY You’d be surprised what a woman can do with this chair. DIANE I don’t want to know.

INT. PRINCESS CAROLYN’S APARTMENT - NIGHT Princess Carolyn arrives home, turns on the lights. The dentist-clowns all wear sunglasses, hold hand saws and other various tools with a LITTLE GIRL unconscious in the chair. They all quickly put the tools behind their backs. PRINCESS CAROLYN I need a drink. 25.

TODD So, how’d it go? PRINCESS CAROLYN Like I said, I need a drink. She opens a bottle of wine, CHUGS it. TODD So you’re celebrating because it went better than expected? PRINCESS CAROLYN No, Todd, it didn’t. I actually couldn’t get anyone to buy it. TODD Well, that’s just because they haven’t experienced the magic first- hand. If they met the dentist- clowns, then they would see what a great idea it is. PRINCESS CAROLYN That’s it! Maybe if I experience it first-hand, I can make a better pitch for it. Todd shoots his arms up in the air, excited. TODD That’s a great idea! I must be rubbing off on you. He goes over to turn the lights back off. PRINCESS CAROLYN But they’re doing it with the lights on. No “night vision” goggles. TODD Ah, man.

EXT. SALLY’S HOUSE - NIGHT Small and quaint with a white picket fence and a tiny garden around the side. BoJack and Diane stand out front. DIANE Wow, it’s so... 26.

BOJACK Suburban. They walk to the front door. BOJACK (CONT'D) This could be it. This could be the moment I find Hollyhock’s mom. DIANE Are you sure you’re ready for this? He hesitates before he answers. BOJACK Yeah. He KNOCKS on the door. A middle aged horse, SALLY, opens the door, GASPS. SALLY BoJack? BoJack and Sally smile at each other.

INT. PRINCESS CAROLYN’S APARTMENT - NIGHT Princess Carolyn sits firmly strapped in the chair, the clowns all creepily staring over her. One has a laughing gas mask. PRINCESS CAROLYN I can see why everyone thought this would be a horror movie. CLOWN We promise this won’t hurt... too much. He LAUGHS. Another clown turns on a power drill. CLOWN (CONT'D) Now count down from 10. The clown moves the laughing gas mask close to her face. PRINCESS CAROLYN 10... 9... 8... 7... As the mask gets closer, the clown’s face morphs again. 27.

PRINCESS CAROLYN (CONT'D) 6... 6... 6... The clown morphs into Andy Samberg again, only now he has horns and speaks in a demonic voice. CLOWN You rang? He LAUGHS. PRINCESS CAROLYN Ahhhh! You’re not Andy Samberg! A CRYING baby can be heard. PRINCESS CAROLYN (CONT'D) Philbert? CLOWN I’d love to operate on that baby of yours. LAUGHS again. She pushes the laughing gas mask away just before it fully covered her mouth. She breaks free of the chair restraints, gets away from the clown-dentists. TODD What’s wrong? PRINCESS CAROLYN Get these creeps out of my apartment! TODD But what about the movie? PRINCESS CAROLYN Forget it! I was an idiot for believing this was a good idea. I would never send Philbert to these clowns! They’re a joke! TODD That’s the point! PRINCESS CAROLYN Get out! All of you! The dentist-clowns pile into a little car. Todd gets on top. Princess Carolyn opens the door, they drive away. 28.

She closes the door, opens the fridge to grab a bottle of wine. She stares inside, tears in her eyes. She squats down, leans against the fridge. She looks down at her stomach, rubs it. She breaks down, cries, buries her head into her knees.

INT. SALLY’S HOUSE - NIGHT BoJack and Diane sit in the living room. BoJack takes in the decor - soft, pretty, pops of color, feminine. BOJACK She’s the one. DIANE How do you know? BOJACK Look at this place. It’s like she’s Hollyhock, just an older version. Diane smiles at him. Sally comes around the corner with a tray of tea cups and a pot. She sets the tray on the coffee table, pours cups of tea. SALLY I haven’t seen you in years. BOJACK Yeahhhh, I meant to call, er, stay in touch. DIANE No, he didn’t. Sally CHUCKLES. SALLY I was a whorse. I’m used to it. BOJACK Listen, Sally, I’d love to catch up, but first I need to know - did you have a child about 9 months after I saw you? She smiles. 29.

SALLY Yes. Yes, I did. BoJack smiles back at her. A teenage boy, MARK, comes down the stairs, enters. MARK Mom, did you hide my bowl again? Whoa, is this the AARP meeting? She stands up, goes over to Mark. She puts her arm around his shoulder. SALLY BoJack. Diane. This is my son, Mark. She messes with his hair. MARK Ew, mom, get away from me. He pushes her away. BoJack’s smile drops. BOJACK Wait, so... you didn’t have a daughter? SALLY No. Why? BOJACK Nevermind. Don’t worry about it. MARK Later, losers. I’m heading over to Lucy’s. SALLY Be back before 11. MARK Whatever. He leaves. BOJACK Wait, so if you had him nine months after you met me, does that mean... you know? 30.

SALLY Oh, no. You’re not the father. BoJack EXHALES in relief. SALLY (CONT'D) Leonardo DiCaprio is.

INT./EXT. BOJACK’S CAR - DAY BoJack drives with Diane in the passenger seat. DIANE Are you sure you’re okay? BOJACK Yeah, I’ll be fine. I just- I really wanted this for Hollyhock. Diane’s phone RINGS. She answers it. DIANE Hey, Mr. Peanutbutter.

INT. WOODCHUCK’S OFFICE - DAY Mr. Peanutbutter sits in a chair with a sign above it: “Mr. Peanutbutter’s Chair. You can sit here.” MR. PEANUTBUTTER Diane! Where are you? INTERCUT BETWEEN DIANE AND MR. PEANUTBUTTER DIANE I’m on my way back now. MR. PEANUTBUTTER And? Diane looks at BoJack, upset. DIANE Not exactly as planned. MR. PEANUTBUTTER I’m sorry. DIANE It’s fine. How’s the election going? 31.

MR. PEANUTBUTTER Welllll...

INT. JESSICA BIEL’S OFFICE - DAY Katrina looks over papers, a big smile on her face. She shoots her fists up into the air, ecstatic. KATRINA Quick! Turn the news on! According to the most recent poll, you’ve pulled ahead of Woodchuck Coodchuck- Berkowitz by two points! JESSICA BIEL Oh my God, I love points! Jessica grabs the remote, turns on the TV.

INT. MSNB SEA STUDIOS - DAY Tom sits behind his desk, a little graph next to him showing Jessica’s ratings going up. TOM This just in! Jessica Biel has pulled ahead in the tight race for governor. FOOTAGE OF DOWNTOWN HOLLYWOO A hand in frame holding a microphone, pointing it at the black man from Jessica Biel’s media rally from earlier. BLACK MAN I don’t know. At first I was like, whoa, what a racist. But then I was like, wow, how refreshing to see someone tell it how it is, ya know? The government is filled with liars, and frankly I’m tired of snakes. The camera PANS to reveal his friend, a SNAKE. SNAKE I take offenssssse to that.

INT./EXT. BOJACK’S CAR - DAY Diane looks absolutely stunned. 32.

DIANE You’re kidding me! How can a sexist, racist, homophobic person ever go up in the polls? MR. PEANUTBUTTER Apparently the public really admires her “brutal honesty.” Diane SIGHS, clearly frustrated. DIANE Well, I wouldn’t worry about it. There’s no way that type of person could ever actually win an election. The public is smarter than that. MR. PEANUTBUTTER I don’t know. They almost elected me and I know nothing about politics. DIANE Yikes. True. I guess I’ll see what I can do to help when I get back. MR. PEANUTBUTTER Thanks, Diane. I love you. DIANE I love you too, Mr. Peanutbutter.

INT. BOJACK’S HOUSE - NIGHT All the lights are off. BoJack quietly opens the door, sneaks inside, tries to quietly creep down the hallway to his room. He stubs his toe. BOJACK Ow, mother- He suffers in agony as quietly as possible. HOLLYHOCK BoJack? Hollyhock turns on the light. She lays on the couch, a blanket covering her. She sits back up. 33.

BOJACK What are you doing out here? HOLLYHOCK I was waiting for you to get back. BOJACK Oh. HOLLYHOCK You didn’t find her, did you? BoJack goes over to the couch, sits next to her. BOJACK I’m not going to stop looking. You’re a really amazing girl, and you deserve to know who your mother is. HOLLYHOCK Thanks, BoJack. They stare at each other a second before she turns on the TV. It’s the same soap opera from when BoJack left, though it can’t be seen as only BoJack and Hollyhock are in frame. CHLOE (O.S.) But I can’t go with you! What about the children? ANTONIO (O.S.) They’ll be fine. CHLOE (O.S.) I can’t just leave them. I’m their mother! The glow from the TV illuminates BoJack and Hollyhock as they watch the soap opera together. FADE OUT.