Bojack Goes Into Treatment"
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BOJACK HORSEMAN "BoJack Goes Into Treatment" written by Raymond Santos 348 W 118th St New York, NY 10026 (786)302-3244 [email protected] FADE IN: EXT. GABRIEL’S HOME - DAY BoJack paces back and forth in front of a picnic table, looking around the outside garden of a gorgeous, suburban home. He exhales. BoJack pulls out his phone and dials a number. INT. MR. PEANUT BUTTER’S HOUSE - LIVING ROOM - SAME TIME MR PEANUT BUTTER and DIANE sit next to each other, looking down at the ground. DIANE There’s nothing left for me to do. MR. PEANUT BUTTER What do you mean? DIANE I just feel so alone and pointless now - I love you, and miss you when you’re not around, but I also miss myself. From before we got married. MR. PEANUT BUTTER You know what I think? Mr Peanut Butter puts his arm around Diane. DIANE What? The phone rings. Mr Peanut Butter’s ears perk up. MR. PEANUT BUTTER Phone! Phone! Mr. Peanut Butter runs to his cell phone. Diane groans. MR. PEANUT BUTTER (CONT’D) It’s BoJack! "BoJack Goes Into Treatment" 2. DIANE You’re going to take BoJack’s phone call in the middle of a discussion of our marriage? MR. PEANUT BUTTER Well, you always say the best marriages are founded on friendship. DIANE Yeah? MR. PEANUT BUTTER Well, BoJack’s my best friend! Mr Peanut Butter answers. MR. PEANUT BUTTER (CONT’D) BoJack! BOJACK Hey, Peanut Butter. I need to talk to somebody. Are you free right now? MR. PEANUT BUTTER As a bird that’s out of its cage! BOJACK You could just say “as a bird”. MR. PEANUT BUTTER But some birds are in a cage. DIANE This is why we had to stop talking about our marriage?! "BoJack Goes Into Treatment" 3. BOJACK Who cares about the bird? I didn’t call to - BoJack turns to see the door he’s been pacing in front of is now open. GABRIEL, an Elephant dressed in a collared shirt and blazer, stands in the doorway. He speaks with an Irish accent. GABRIEL BoJack? Come on in. UP CREDITS INT. GABRIEL’S OFFICE - DAY BoJack scratches the back of his neck as he looks around the room. He’s sitting in the middle of a large couch, on the edge of the cushion. Gabriel sits, leaned back, in his armchair. BOJACK No note pad? GABRIEL Don’t need one. I have a pretty good memory. BOJACK Right. Elephant. Where are you from? You sound all pirate-y. GABRIEL Grew up in Dublin. Moved here, oh, about twenty years ago? BOJACK Have you ever treated a celebrity before? "BoJack Goes Into Treatment" 4. GABRIEL I don’t think so, no. BOJACK Guess I’m your first. Gabriel strokes his trunk like a beard. GABRIEL What do you mean, BoJack? BOJACK “Horsin’ Around”? I was the star? GABRIEL Sorry, I don’t know it. BOJACK Oh, come on! A single, but impossibly attractive horse adopts three kids and deals with their kooky antics? GABRIEL Oh! You mean, “Equestrian Antics”? BOJACK That British show from the ‘80s? What does that have to do with anything? GABRIEL It was about a young bachelor equine who adopts three cockney orphans into his estate. The series follows them getting into a whole series of misadventures. Similar, no? "BoJack Goes Into Treatment" 5. BOJACK I don’t see it. GABRIEL So, what brought you to scheduling this appointment, BoJack? BOJACK My friend Emily suggested it. INT. BOJACK’S HOME - FLASHBACK Bojack lays back in a chair, chatting on the phone. BOJACK (laughing) All right, Emily. Same time next week? EMILY (over the phone) Please don’t, BoJack. The suicide hotline is for emergencies only. BOJACK WHY DON’T I JUST KILL MYSELF, THEN, EMILY?! INT. GABRIEL’S OFFICE - BACK TO SCENE BoJack chuckles to himself. BOJACK Whiskey, right? GABRIEL I don’t drink, actually. Do you? BOJACK Only when I’m sober. "BoJack Goes Into Treatment" 6. GABRIEL Have you ever thought of stopping? BoJack laughs loudly. EXT. MAKE AN ASS OUT OF YOURSELF COMEDY CLUB - SAME TIME Todd passes by the door of the comedy club. He notices a flyer on the wall that reads “Free Open Mic!” TODD I love music! A comedy club’s a weird place to have it, though. Oh, well, artists! Do I usually talk out loud to myself? A BALD MAN (30s), the club’s bouncer, steps out of the door. BALD MAN If you’re looking for the mic, it starts in like two minutes, downstairs. TODD Thanks, man - smooth sailing from here! Todd passes by the Bald Man and enters. The Bald Man shuts the door, which ECHOES in its slam. INT. PRINCESS CAROLYN’S OFFICE - INTERCUT PRINCESS CAROLYN tosses a ball of yarn in the air, looking around the wide expanse of her empty office. The phone rings. She answers. PRINCESS CAROLYN Princess Carolyn, here. "BoJack Goes Into Treatment" 7. INT. MR. PEANUT BUTTER’S HOUSE - INTERCUT MR. PEANUT BUTTER Princess Carolyn! My favorite agent! PRINCESS CAROLYN I’m your only agent, Mr. Peanut Butter. MR. PEANUT BUTTER That’s what makes you my favorite! PC, I’m going to need another week off from “HSACWDTKDTKTLFO”. Maybe two. PRINCESS CAROLYN What?! You’ve been gone for a month already! And your replacement isn’t exactly working out. INT. HOLLYWOO STARS GAME SHOW - FLASHBACK MIKE TYSON, a Boxer dog dressed in a suit, stands alone on the empty stage, jowls drooling. He reads from the card he’s holding in his paws. MIKE TYSON (lisping) Welcome back to “Hollywoo Stars and Celebrities! What do they know? Do they know things?? Let’s ask!!” I’m your host, Mike Tyson. Mike looks at all the spit he’s spewed out. DIRECTOR (O.C.) We need every mop in the studio! INT. PRINCESS CAROLYN’S OFFICE - BACK TO SCENE Princess Carolyn massages her forehead. "BoJack Goes Into Treatment" 8. PRINCESS CAROLYN You know what? Do whatever you have to, but don’t blame me if you get fired. I’ve got enough clients to keep me busy. Princess Carolyn hangs up. She looks around, tosses the ball of yarn in the air again. RUTABAGA (O.S.) Miss me? Princess Carolyn looks up to see RUTABAGA RABBITOWITZ, in a wrinkled suit, standing at her office door. Princess Carolyn chucks her ball of yarn at Rutabaga. He ducks it. PRINCESS CAROLYN Now I did. What do you want, Rabbitowitz? RUTABAGA Oh, come on my little artist formerly known as Prince-ess Carolyn, is that all I get for a greeting? PRINCESS CAROLYN Just get to it. RUTABAGA Well, I’m newly single and mega homeless, so I thought... Rutabaga strolls over to the chair opposite Princess Carolyn, and sits in it. ... why not follow through on that promise I broke? "BoJack Goes Into Treatment" 9. PRINCESS CAROLYN By newly single, you mean... RUTABAGA My wife just divorced me. PRINCESS CAROLYN And you said you were homeless? RUTABAGA Yeah... I was living in my car - then they repossessed it. PRINCESS CAROLYN That’s terrible. RUTABAGA No, it’s fine! I’m still that slick hare that can pitch anywhere. So you still have a job for me? PRINCESS CAROLYN I don’t know, Rutabaga, we’re just starting up. And I don’t trust you, to be perfectly honest. RUTABAGA You couldn’t use another agent around here? PRINCESS CAROLYN It’s already pretty hectic around here as it is. INT. PRINCESS CAROLYN’S OFFICE - FRONT DESK - SAME TIME CHARLIE sits at the desk. The room is empty. He sighs. "BoJack Goes Into Treatment" 10. CHARLIE Ah! Who was that? INT. PRINCESS CAROLYN’S OFFICE - BACK TO SCENE Rutabaga goes to his knees, begging Princess Carolyn. RUTABAGA Please. Anything, I’ll contact all my old clients and bring them onboard. PRINCESS CAROLYN Fine. I guess we could use some more clients. Rutabaga stand ups, dusting himself off. RUTABAGA Oh my God, thank you so much! Let’s get dinner to celebrate - or should I say... Rutabaga sits on the side of the desk, leaning on it with one arm. RUTABAGA (CONT’D) ...Can you buy me dinner to celebrate? I’m extremely broke. PRINCESS CAROLYN Sorry, I don’t date employees. Princess Carolyn walks out of the office. RUTABAGA (calling out to her) I feel like you and my wife would be friends! Would it be weird if I introduced you two? "BoJack Goes Into Treatment" 11. A ball of yarn flies through the doorway and hits Rutabaga. RUTABAGA (CONT’D) Ouch! INT. GABRIEL’S HOME - BACK TO SCENE Bojack’s laughter subsides. BOJACK Good one, doc. I needed that. Now let’s get down to my issues. GABRIEL Sorry, BoJack, but our time is up. BOJACK We just started! GABRIEL Actually, we had just started and then you proceeded to laugh for most of your hour. I’m sorry, but we’ll have to wait until next week to speak again. Gabriel stands and walks to the door, motioning for BoJack to exit. BOJACK All right. BoJack stands and walks to the door. Gabriel stops him before he exits. GABRIEL I really do think you should stop drinking, BoJack. (MORE) "BoJack Goes Into Treatment" 12. GABRIEL (CONT'D) If you can, then it isn’t that much of a problem. If you can’t, well... BoJack nods to himself. BOJACK Would it be clearer if I told you I was drunk right now? GABRIEL Goodbye, BoJack. BoJack exits, Gabriel slams the door behind him.