My Guy by Sarah Weeks 1

This script adapted from My Guy/km, 2009

Characters (in order of appearance):

NARRATOR ONE NARRATOR TWO NARRATOR THREE NARRATOR FOUR LORRAINE GUY LANA JERRY BUZZ

NARRATOR ONE: Guy Strang and Lana Zuckerman were enemies.

NARRATOR TWO: Guy declared Lana to be as mean as a snake and about equally appealing.

NARRATOR THREE: The feeling was mutual.

NARRATOR FOUR: It all started in kindergarten when Lana used to torture Guy because of the pink mittens his mother made him for Christmas that year.

NARRATOR ONE: One day, all the kids in Lana’s crowd chased Guy around the playground yelling, “Girlie Guy! Girlie Guy! Let’s have a tea party!” until finally the teacher came out and called them off.

NARRATOR TWO: Guy accidentally “lost” the mittens down the sewer grate on the way home from school that day. But losing the unpleasant memory proved to be a lot harder. My Guy by Sarah Weeks 2

NARRATOR THREE: After finding out their parents were planning to marry each other, Lana and Guy had to work quickly to end the impending Zuckerman-Strang nuptials.

NARRATOR FOUR: Guy couldn’t imagine living in a house with a man who dressed like Bozo the Clown.

NARRATOR ONE: And Lana couldn’t imagine living with a woman who wore skirts made out of tablecloths and belts accented with plastic silverware and rubber ants.

NARRATOR TWO: So they came up with a plan to host a dinner party for their parents to convince them that there was no way they could in a million years be one big happy family.

NARRATOR THREE: It would be filled with all of the things their parents hated most…

NARRATOR FOUR: Leaf blowers and marshmallows…

NARRATOR ONE: sushi and musicals…

NARRATOR TWO: surprise parties and rude sounds…

NARRATOR THREE: and the word STUPID!

NARRATOR FOUR: After planning the party down to the last detail, the big night finally arrived.

***************

My Guy by Sarah Weeks 3

LORRAINE: Well, Lana, this is a very interesting-looking dish you’ve made tonight. What do you call it?

GUY: Raw fish.

LANA: Sushi.

JERRY: Sushi? (voice filled with dread)

LANA: You love sushi, don’t you, Dad? You told me that once. Remember?

JERRY: Um, really? I don’t know why I would have—uh, did I?

LORRAINE: I’ve never seen sushi served quite like this, Lana. Did your mother give you this recipe?

LANA: No. This is my own personal recipe.

LORRAINE: Are you sure it’s safe?

JERRY: Now, Lorraine, I don’t think Lana would serve anything that wasn’t safe to eat, would you, honey?

LANA: Of course not, Daddy. How could she even think that? And why was she asking if it was Mom’s recipe? Was that supposed to be a diss? ‘Cause my mom is a very good cook.

JERRY: Yes, honey, she was, I mean, is.

LORRAINE: I didn’t mean to offend anybody. I’m sure your mother is a fine cook, Lana. I’ve just never seen sushi that looks back at you, is all.

GUY: It’s fresh, if that’s what you’re worried about, Mom. I got it myself at the fish market this morning. Brought it home on my bike, under my arm.

LORRAINE: I know, Guysie. I washed your jacket this afternoon. Twice. My Guy by Sarah Weeks 4

LANA: So would you like a piece, Lorraine? It’s mackerel. Supposed to be one of the finest fish around.

LORRAINE: That’s quite a claim to fame. (swallow hard and hold plate out to Lana)

LANA: There you go. You know, Guy and I were talking, and we think that we should make dinner together all the time after you guys get married. We could have sushi twice a week. Right, Guy?

(Guy nods)

LANA: (asks sweetly) How about you, Daddy? Want some?

JERRY: Actually, I had a late lunch at the hospital, honey.

LANA: We’ll, maybe you’d just like some of Guy’s special marshmallow salad then.

JERRY: I’ve never seen you make that salad before, Guy.

GUY: Well, now you have. (turning to Jerry) Are you going to have some?

JERRY: I…I…don’t know quite what to say. I mean, I know you kids must have worked very hard on this meal, but I think you forgot somehow, Lana, that I don’t care for marshmallows. Or sushi. At all.

My Guy by Sarah Weeks 5

LANA: (fake crying fit) I guess this dinner was all just a stupid idea. Your mother thinks I’m trying to poison her, and Daddy, you don’t even like sushi. And frankly, you’re stupid, too, Guy Strang. You insisted my dad liked stupid marshmallows. Now look at the stupid mess we’re in!

LORRAINE: I’m sure Guy wouldn’t have forced his marshmallow salad on you, Lana. And I don’t hate you or think that you’re trying to poison me.

JERRY: (interrupting) Can’t you see that Lana needs some support here?

LORRAINE: Hey, you’re the one who won’t eat the dinner she made, not me.

JERRY: Lana, sweetie, you’re being too hard on yourself. Please calm down. There’s nothing wrong with this dinner. It’s lovely, isn’t it, Lorraine? (pause) Lorraine? Tell Lana the dinner is lovely.

LORRAINE: (wiping mouth and glaring at Jerry) The dinner is lovely, Lana.

JERRY: See? There’s nothing to cry about. You know something, honey, I think it’s probably high time I learned to like sushi. I’m sure I can if I try. Dry those tears now and give me a piece of fish. Please?

LORRAINE: Yes, Lana, stop crying already and give your father a great big piece of raw fish, why don’t you?

JERRY: There’s no need to use that tone of voice with my daughter.

My Guy by Sarah Weeks 6

NARRATOR ONE: The sight of Jerry in his clown face and baggy polka- dot suit pleading with his bawling daughter to give him a piece of raw fish while Guy’s mother steamed seemed almost too good to be true.

NARRATOR TWO: Man, was the plan working. They hated each other.

NARRATOR THREE: And clearly Guy’s mother wasn’t too wild about Lana.

NARRATOR FOUR: If only Guy could get on Jerry’s nerves like that, then the circle would be complete. Just then the phone rang. ******************** BUZZ: How’s it going?

GUY: Like a dream!

BUZZ: Spill!

GUY: Well, we’re in the middle of dinner, which is so disgusting no one can eat it, and Lana is crying and saying the word stupid more times than I’ve ever heard anyone say it before.

BUZZ: Lana’s crying?

GUY: Calm down, lover boy, she’s faking it.

BUZZ: Oh, okay. Good. Sounds like everything is going according to the plan. But the reason I’m calling is that we forgot something.

GUY: What? We’re going to watch the musical after dinner right before the surprise party. What else is there?

My Guy by Sarah Weeks 7

BUZZ: Can you belch?

GUY: Huh? Oh, right. He hates rude noises. Your timing is perfect. I need something to make Jerry annoyed with me.

BUZZ: Good. Belch. Can you do it?

GUY: Yeah, I think so. (swallowing a mouth full of air and trying to force it back out)

BUZZ: What was that? I didn’t hear anything.

GUY: Wait a sec. Let me try again. (swallowing air and trying to force it out)

BUZZ: Do you want me to come over there and do it for you? You could stand by the window and I could belch for you from outside.

GUY: I don’t think there’s going to be time, Buzzard. Besides, how would I explain having to open the window? It’s freezing outside.

BUZZ: Try once more.

GUY: (swallowing air again and trying to force it out) Look, we probably don’t even need the belching, Things are pretty bad as they are. And there’s still the video and the surprise party.

BUZZ: Are you sure? I’m happy to ride over there.

GUY: No. But thanks for the offer. I think I should get back in there now though, okay? (hanging up phone) ******************** My Guy by Sarah Weeks 8

GUY: How’s the movie? The guy at the video store said this was a really great one.

JERRY: I’m not a big fan of musicals.

GUY: Really? Mom and I watch them all the time. All the time. Look! That’s Clint Eastwood, and I have a feeling he’s about to break into a song. I sure hope it’s the one about talking to the trees. I just love this kind of stuff, don’t you?

JERRY: About as much as sushi and marshmallows.

LANA: Surprise!

JERRY: What the—But it’s not my birthday.

LANA: Don’t you like it? I guess it was just another stupid idea. Stupid, stupid, stupid.

JERRY: It’s not stupid, Lana. It’s just, it’s just…well, I thought you knew that I don’t like surprises.

LORRAINE: (angrily) Happy birthday. This cake, in case you can’t tell, is supposed to be your clown nose. Make a wish and blow your nose, Jerry.

GUY: (loud belch)

LANA: Awesome!

GUY: Excuse me.

My Guy by Sarah Weeks 9

LORRAINE: (giggling) My goodness, Guysie. That was impressive. Are you okay, honey?

JERRY: No, he is not okay. What he is is unbelievably rude. I have never seen anything like it. Don’t you people care one whit about manners around here?

LORRAINE: You have some nerve, Jerry Zuckerman. We have all been sitting here trying to eat this disgusting meal for which your whining daughter blames my poor son. As far as I’m concerned, THIS is the straw that will break even this old camel’s back.

JERRY: I think we should get going, Lana. We clearly don’t belong here, and I’m inclined to believe we never will.

LORRAINE: No kidding. Good-bye, Jerry.

JERRY: Good-bye, Lorraine.

LANA AND GUY: Forever!