University of Missouri, St. Louis IRL @ UMSL
Current (2000s) Student Newspapers
4-1-2002
Stagnant, April 01, 2002
University of Missouri-St. Louis
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This Newspaper is brought to you for free and open access by the Student Newspapers at IRL @ UMSL. It has been accepted for inclusion in Current (2000s) by an authorized administrator of IRL @ UMSL. For more information, please contact [email protected]. VOLUME 3S APril 1, 2002
ISSUE 1049 Teen pop saves the world
.. ·See page 6 THECURRENTONLINE.. COM .iiii•• iii•• ~.iiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii ••••• ~ •• !11!~ ••••• ~ •••••••••••••••••• ~ Disoriented University for M orbidly SloW' Learners Stagnant offer· grammer, spell SGa·ap points goose rep coursenow BY LI'L BITCH Lack of bathroom, greens main concerns Monw-in-Chiej
Start this week, The Stagnant is BY LI'L BITCH meeting. Honker also spoke on the offer grammer or spell course in it's ········ ·· · · ········Mom;~in~Chief ·· · ········· · lack of grass and other greenery for office, 388 Milked Students for Cash the over 19 million Canada geese on building. the DUMSL campus. Due to the lack The course will be start at 9 and go of ponds and other greens on the to 11, will be teach by Stagnant campus, the geese are held to a small momo-in-chiefLi'l Bitch. .. patch of grass around Butt Lake. "I want that we get a good under "Rakkklleee suqakk sqaaaakkk," stand of the American derelict," Bitch Honker said. "Squak waker wakk . said. 'Too many DUMSL kids talk WAKl U'\ Bitch' .\loll1~in·C/)ief Sexy Velcro' .lJama's Roy Itchy Brazier· inctalll Jif!SSellger Banen Forest. Cas/; Raker .Judge Judi • '\[om Can Dance· Dallcillg Queen Mu Chan· Photo Dictator Vef Vetcape· Film fiMk Danw1ed Wiener' Snooze Editor Dick. Burner • Prod Ass Mon 1 1 (cont.) Wed 3 Fri 5 Mon 8 Danish Dynamite • \Ileb .11astl?T Bat;?T Monday Snooze drink your blood! (Special note: Wreck Sports Sigma Pie Monday Snooze I Like Red· Tmcer Series Series .r1l11l11Y Covered· P[lU illg ilOlll please indicate if your HIV posi Today is deadline for group cap 'Sigma Pie will be holding an anti 'Take My.,Ad • Ad peon Robert D. \Villiweager, distin tive. Thanks.) ture the flag. Men and co-ed Sig Tau Gorilla Party on Friday. Rich Bastard to give a lecture Irna Gee« • FUll potter guished administrative associate teams are now forming. Games Beer will be served. Come here entitled "Learn how to be cheap professor of History in the school and save a bundle. I know how to Spanky GoFish· CoIIII/Iti will be played in SSB and CCB us whine, complain, hand out free Com mw /{(a of Arts and Sciences at San Luis Tue 2 every Tuesday and Thursday beer and tell you how we will screw people out of their money." Ann 8oogef' • Eve Dolter University, will give a presenta Sigma Pie night starting April 8. Be sure to one-up Sig Tau Gorilla with bril The seminar \vill be followed by a tion titled, "I Know a Lot About bring your own flag. Sign up in liant, well thought out Franks (for reception serving water and History, and You Don't.'· Sigma Pie will be holding a spe the Wreck Sports Office. instance, Vaseline on car door crackers. The lecture is not free. Reception to follow, if cial seminar, "How your fraterni Stagnant Writers: handles). Did we mention beer Williweager feels the audience is ty can take over the government Buck Madden, was gonna be served? Be sure to worthy of his presence. and media" at 8 p.m. with free Thur 4 Usa Bigwerds, Buck Naykid, . beer. Stagnant Morna in Chief come early, our secret pranks will Got something to say? Put it on Ana Lyzyou Sig Tau Gorilla start at 10 p.m. the bored! Call x 5174. If we get 1 Li'l Bitch and SGA Pres. T. Staff Phptographers: Redundant Conner will teach you Sig Tau Gorilla is hosting their around to it, \ve'll put what you Sharp Shooter, Special K Vampire Blood Drive ways to infiltrate these institu monthly Bud Light appreciation 6-7 want on the bored. No pronllses, The Gateway Vampire tions and then take over the cam party this Friday. Just supply Sigma Pie though. Association will be hosting a pus. (Hey, we're serving beer, yourself, we'll supply the Bud Sigma Pie will hold a wet t-shirt 388 M.ilk Students for Cash Editor's Note: On second thought, 8001 Supernatural Ridge Road blood drive wherever we can find too. It's free l ) Refreshments will Light non-stop. Party starts at 8 optional contest. The winner of keep your mouth shut. Nobody St. Louis, Missouri 63121 you this Tuesday night. We will be served, you can have anything p.m. and ends when we're able to the contest will receive a date cares, at {east not at DUMSL be roaming the parking lots and you want as long as it is beer. kick everyone out or the police with the Sig Pie of his/her Snooze Room. 13 1'1) 5J ().51 ~4 low-lighted areas. We want to come (whichever happens frrst). choice. Make us money. (3N I51(}. 53 16 Monkey Business • [1l~) 516-5175 Fax (50/50 chance). (.'lU ) 51(i.(i811 campus: 388 .llilk Students/or c(lsh building email: str.lgl [email protected] website: blfjJ:/IIt'u 'II'.d o/sJasb._ dot/- wlon/dot. dasi)'Co/an.sla:sb _do/wm/wlon ieup. edu i J I.'J'II he StawJant is cur annual parody issue . ... Advertising rates available if you ask nice. Terms, conditions and restrictions apply. Unless you're hot, in which case you can do whatever the hell you want. Or Greek, I love Greeks. Hey, speaking of Greeks, did you hear the one about the ~ Tau Go Ground OBSERV INC. FedEx Ground is currently looking for individuals Is currently hiring for positions at to load an.d unload delivery vans and trailers 'Busch Stadium for all Cardinals :p§rt-time during our 2 a.m. or 4 p.m. shifts. Home Games. • Tuition Reimbursement • Opportunities for advancement Call Angie Vendors Up • $0.50 raise after 90 days @ to $30/hr • Starting pay $8.50 - $9.00 per hour 636-274-3700 Call the Recruiting Hotline at 1-800-762-3744, then dial 6000, then enter the mailbox #6927 to get more information and directions to our facilities in St. Louis. PLEASE APPLY IN PERSON AT EITHER LOCATION: 6150 Olive Lane St. Louis, MO 63112 (Tues. &,Thurs. 9 a.m. - 2 p.m.) . or 5434 Eagle Industrial Ct. Hazelwood, MO 63042 . (Mon. & Wed. 9 a.m. - 4 p.m.) www.fedex.com Must be at least 18 years old EOE/AA April 1, 2002 . BY CAN DANCE ...... , ...... Dancing Queen , I "The Pot Collection: A Mary Wonna Exhibit," showing in Gallery I 420, is getting high reviews from DUMSL students since it opened on I Friday, March 29. I Gallery 420 has never Showcased an exhibit quite like this. Ion· Hale, curator of Gallery 420, said this exhibition is unique because vis itors are encouraged to try out "The Pot Collection." "Visitors light up when they find out this is a hands-on exhibit. The atmosphere is very laid back. We provide snacks, and there tend to be a lot of munching while visitors take in the exhibit," Hale said. At the opening last Friday, Wonna, a Columbian native, spoke about her collection. "I am a perfectionist when it comes to my work. If the pot I am working on isn't the highest quali ty, I have to weed it out. To be blunt, this is the highest quality pot collection on the market right now," Wonna said. Visitors of Gallery 420 are in agree ment. When asked Mu Chan! The SI4gnani what he liked Socko Sockerson stars in DUMSL's production of Hamlet. about visiting "The Pot Collection" at Gallery 420 freshman Nick L. Baahg said, Sock production "This is the best joint on campus." The majority of the gets feet wet visitors of Gallery 420 are DUMSL students BY ANNE R. CHILDE The women's performances came who are suffering from \'(!eird \'(loman off much worse than the men's. As burn out. Gertrude, Anna Graham was nothing , . "I have visited 'The The DUMSL melodrama depart more than a jumble of hysteria. None j Pot Collection' about ment kicked off their first season with of her lines could be understood , 12 times since it a rather unusual, but not unexpected, because of her insistence on shrieking opened. It gives me a choice giving their limited budget or bawling them. Lolly Pop's Ophelia break from my chronic They invited the El Cheapo Sock was so ingratiatingly sweet that the studying," senior Puppet Company to present their pro audience hoped that she would drown Lidup Adubie said. duction of "Hamlet," which resulted herself before she did. Also, annoying Wonna is thrilled in poor performances, a shoddy pro were Pop's little girl braids that con her exhibit is a hit. duction, and a silly take on tinuously fell off her face when she "I never thought Shakespeare's classic. While the idea turned her head. would exhibit my pot col may have worked on a cute level, the While it was an interesting touch lection. I used to try to sell production definitely left something to have Hamlet's father return as a parts of my collection any to be desired. large lizard, some of the script where, on the street, on play As Hamlet, Socko Sockerson por changes came off from a Teletubbies grounds or outside of convenience stores. Until trayed the presumed insanity of the episode on LSD. one day I sold my Colombian pot, and I was able character with his hysterics in the During the climactic swordfight to make enough money to move to California right place. But, hi Mickey-Mouse scene between Hamlet and Laertes and buy a pager. Now my pot collection gives me combined-with-Pikachu-on-helium (Gerry Attic), Sockerson and Attic such a high," Wonna said. voice proved a hindrance in uch dia got ~o much into their performances Wonna is able to make a living off her pot col logue such as his "To Be or Not to that their plastic swords fell from lection and is always willing to make a deal with Be" speech and the "Get T1lee to a their mOll ths and hit a smaIl child in potential buyers. Nunnery" scene. the front row. "The Pot Collection: A Mary Wonna Exhibit" will Captain Sigmund Cloyd gave a In another incident, Lizzard hit run through April 26 in Gallery 420 located in Mucas meek perfOImance as the villainous Hamlet so hard that he knocked Hall, Room 420. The gallery is open Thursday through Claudius. His soft fatherly voice was Sockerson off of his performer'S arm. Sunday from 10 p.m to 5 a.m. a problem in most of his speeches. He The sock puppet performance of may as well have been giving Hamlet Hanllet was silly and puerile. Maybe, Marry Wonna speaks about her Columbian pot on sage advice instead of plouing to do next time the melodrama department Friday, March 29 in Gallery 420. away with his brother's family. could perform it with real actors. EDITOR COFFEY SNOB Riverman from b ken ome Sleeper Editor phone: 516-4886 fax: 516-6811 BY LIL' BITCH Really into basketball and such; very After that loss, the Riverman was what DUMSL athletics had become) photo of the Riverman in the basket athletic." never heard from again. hasn't seen a warm body since 1984, ball gym, I don't beJieve him." "'Vlomo-·in·CliJiej Riverman quickly became a main "After that loss, people just didn't when a lost DUMSL student mistook Simple claims that, since DUMSL We've, all heard the adage, "You stay at all DUMSL basketball games; much care for me anymore," it for a bathroom. has no tradition, Burnt is wrong. can't judge a book by it's cover." For perhaps his greatest moment was Riverman said. "So, I just drifted "I asked people about my Simple, along with many other cam New clubs on ~ \ / the most part, this is true. But not when he punched out the Muzzled from classroom to classroom, and boy, showed them pictures of him; r pus administrators, agrees with when it comes to The Riverman. University Pussy right in the cajoles. eventually dropped out of DUMSL Athletic ~ The gruff, grim frown on his Director Pet Dueling, Supernatural '4 unshaven mug of a face tells it all; this who stated, "The man's had a tough life. Every aspect tt ••• Riverman is a moron. Ridge Road :;! his greatest moment was when he .'.1 of his life, from his birth (believed to What the hell is a BY IMA GEEK be in 1965) and his parents (either Riverman anyway? ~ Fun Spotter "I And a II former DUMSL undergraduate Bull punched out the Muzzled University .~ Burnt or a consortium of DUMSL Riverwomen !? ! Beyond Pothole Road on .. faculty and students in a committee Sounds like a cheap, Supematural Ridge, three new '. ''~. meeting gone horribly wTOng) to his Pussy right in the cajoles." two-dollar whore to clubs opened with the intent to 'Ii current whereabouts (he hasn't been me." draw DUMSL students away seen in public since 1972. although a Simple has instead from their studies and into a more photo of the man hangs in the office According to Bumt, the very next DUMSL." used an image of the fun and relaxed atmosphere off His name, however, I of student diversions) are all a quag day Riverrnan was enshrined in the Arch over a bed of campus. These clubs provide nice ~l mire of complexity. DUMSL Sports Department, and it remained a DUMSL tra pasta noodles on all inexpensive havens for students r. "He's my boy, see ... who else wasn' t long before the school began dition. Jerseys, sweaters, DUMSL letterhead. and help them avoid the rest of the ~ :P. would have this odor, but my lin to use his likeness on all of its equip t-shirts, hats, buildings, He says that the Arch Mini-County area. ,~ eage?" Burnt said. "Wbo else would ment. diapers, suppositories, signifies DUMSL's The first "Agoro-Mania," ~'.,I want to claim the little bastard?" "That right hook was the birth of prosthetic legs and even ties with the city, located near the Retrobrink station jJ Burnt claims that Riverman came our Riverman and our tradition," the Arch began bearing while the noodles are makes a delightful hideaway for .~ to life in the offices of the Muzzled Burnt said. '1 was so proud of my boy "DUMSL Rivermen" representative of the those who are painfully shy. The News (now The Stagnant) in the fall that I instantly tried to get him under logos and insignias. By school's, as well as $10 cover charge is fairly reason- ':, of 1965, after a long night of what he contract." the mid '80s, all traces of the city's, strong able and the atmosphere is relaxed '.1 '.j • called "experimenting." However, before he could bring up The Ri verman were affection for . Italian and formal. Food is delivered with '. "I was sitting in the office scrib the idea to the University; Burnt trans gone, but his name was food. promptness and speed as soon as !j bling visions on a cocktail napkin, ferred schools, heading across the still alive. "I just can't get the client arrives to avoid personal . ~ and then it hit me ...1 haven't show river to Silly lliini University at It wasn't until 1995 enough toasted ravio interaction between the waiter and '.~ ered in' days, so why don't I take a dip Edward's Ville. that Burnt came back to li," Simple said. the guest. 1 in the river?" B'mnt said. "An old "I loved DUMSL, but they did not re-visit his old school and In the backdrop of Much of the club's activities -:: sailor had to drag illy bony butt out of offer my major. 'experimental phar saw his son's name again. all this fussing and include playing purposely :: the water. He didn't look to happy, maceutical cultivation,'" Burnt said. '1 hadn't seen my boy feuding, Riverman undanceable music so people '., said somethlng ab0ut being alone. "SlUE was the leader in the field at in 30 years, and all of the sudden his got nothing but blank stares," Burnt remained a tortured soul; a mascot don't feel compelled to ask others ;1 Naturally, I felt sorry for him, so I that time, so I left." name's everywhere; it was a shock," said. "I couldn't believe that he had with no team. Eventually, Burnt and to dance, and the music is played ,: adopted him and brought him back to The Riverman, however, was left said Burnt already been forgotten. I mean, it was Simple settled the dispute over a plate loudly enough so people can :;1 school with me." behind. He had become such a cultur Memories of his college years, only 30 years." of pasta primavera; Burnt could keep avoid talking to each other. ,j Burnt did just that, and almost al icon that he was the guest of honor which had been blocked for years, Boob Simple, director of misinfor the photo and the Riverman, and Since the club is often rnini- j immediately Riverman became a cul at many games, including the 1973 came rushing back. Unfortunately, mation for DUMSL, wa~ one of the Simple would pay the bill for dinner. mally populated, privacy is Dot a tural icon on campus. No Career Advancement Assistance Burnt was the lone person to recall people that Burnt contacted. Simple, A fine end to a dispute that spanned problem. But for those who are "There was this giant smelly man regional basketball tournament, held the glory days of The Riverman, as who is in charge of all DUMSL com three decades. truly secretive, the club's owner running around campus," My at DUMSL. The Rivermen, as the DUMSL basketball had not won a munications, had never seen the logo. The new proposed campus mas Timm Mitt opened five small "Burnt is a cranky, crazy old man cot? A 1982 Ford Pinto, signifying I O'Really said, a DUlVISL student at DUMSL baskethall team had become game in over 28 years, and Riverman roorns known as 'The Not Being 'oj" the time. "Oh ... you·re talking about to be called, played well but eventual Hall (which bad been renamed who is simply insufferable," Simple resilience, value and quality of educa Riverman. Sorry, he was a great guy. ly lost in the NCAA tournament Enigma Arena in 1974-portraying said. "Even though he showed me .a tion. see CLUBS, page 9 Page 4 7k stagnant April 1) 2002 Beer, women The Current is a bloody and politics It's strange how people just don't Sweet! understand. I got to the game in an inebriated mess, to he 11 W1'.t h. 1t· all'.. .. In my life, I am continually state, and put on my gear. There was amazed at how judgmental my peo one problem, the only piece of the ple can be. outfit I had was the head. The game Every Monday, a disease is spread Take a couple of weekends ago started in a few minutes, and I had to across the DUMSL campus, as news The issue: fStudents during St. Patrick Day. After main have a costume to get the crowd of .. stands everywhere are filled with a taining my 5-hour workweek, I 100 fired up. I then. had a bri11iant 10-14 page mass of gibberish and Many feel that the printing of decided that I needed a day to relax idea • rhetoric called The Current. The Current is a waste of nat all day long. I came onto the court with my Students walk by the stands and walk by the uraLre sources, The paper, the The day started waking up at 2 Riverman head aJjJd my birthday suit. are both amazed and repulsed by its p.m, I grabbed my fo-tay ounce and I figured everyone would stand up contents. The brave ones (those who ink, everything down to the headed to the frat house for some and cheer at the sight of a naked do not lose their lunch at its sight) are electricity uS€\:! to run th,e stands and male bonding time with the boys by Riverman. the ones that do pick up the paper, Lighting in the office could be watching the basketball tournament. Unfortunately, I was the only one only to be horrified by its warblings. used to better the Earth. They When I get to the house, 'what do I at attention. Most people just stood Students complain that The see in the middle of the room? A keg there silently with their mouths open. Current constantly bumbles impor are both have proposed that The of Bud Light. The only people who seemed to tant events (such as the Eye School's . Current be done away with, Now, I should point out that I've enjoy the sight were Ithe frat boys Pig Roast) and misquotes prominent possibly for parking space. followed the rules who also made the DUMSLofficials (we say, tomato and amazed and more often than not journey .out to the tomatoe, its the same thing). They this semester. I've game. complain that The CUlTent promotes We suggest: stayed below my 12 Police immediately only what it wishes, and has a certain I. beers a night limit and arrested me an some disdain towards many campus offices repulsed by That is a wonderful idea. always remembered law called "indecent (like the Meadows counts as a cam Besides, working these five to throw up in the toi exposure." pus office). hour work weeks is really cut let. So with the tour The police took. me Many students have gone so far as its contents. ' into my drinking time, ney on, I decided it to jail, and I b ad to be to request a three cent refund on their ting was time for the brew bailed out by my less student accounts so that The Current average of four hours on campus, and and who knows, maybe J could to flow with no limit. than amused girlfriend, will no longer be able to operate. well over three of those hours are get a reserved space in the Some brothers who told me where I And you know what? We at The spent trying to find parking. If they new lot? Screw this, I'm outta weren' t too thrilled could stick our rela Current whole-heartedly agree. even pick up the newspaper, its usual with my amount of tionship. Hell, do you think that we actually ly so that they can spit their gum in here, and not a moment too alcohol consumption. To he\p pacify my read the stuff we write? something. soon neither. Adios, you Or maybe they were LI'L BITCH girlfriend for my The staff of The Current is here for Nobody cares, and basically that lethargic ga, Wiu Chan byphoto Dictator Can Dance Barren Forest Sharp Shooter Itchy Brazier 7th yr. senior / Basket Weaving Prof. Student / Modeling Freshman / Photography Graduate / Fabric Consultation What do yOU \.iKe best " " " " I love working with about worK1l'W, on The I enjoy spending late nights Trying to photograph Barren• . I don't have to answer, so Can Dance. Seeing ~er with U'I Bitch in the dark. Barren, if you read this there. Instant Message me face brightens my day. Stagnant • call me. and I'll get back to you. " " " " You actually read the sports page? '11t.e Stagnant Page Hawaii Five-O ,DUMSL .knights Knight playerS, coacheS and colleagues. This will be great arid will bring a kind of World Wrestling Federation appeal to all of our sports." Knight was recently released from BY DICK BURNER his duties at Indiana after a series of Sportsguy Extraordinaire incidents ~ of misconduct were put under review by the university. He is In what she called "an attempt to known mainly for his skill of throwing revi~ a struggling department," . chairs and other blUnt objects at game DUMSL Chancellor Brand Newbill officials, players and opponents, with made an unprecedented and unexpevt out immediately losing his job or ignit ed move on March 18. Newbill named ing a full-scale brawl. And, as Newbill former Indiana Hoosiers basketball' mentioned, one of Knight's discipli- Head Coach Bobby Knight as . nary tools is the slap. Rivermen head coach, and athletic With that in mind, Knight is ready director. The move came with protest, to step up and help the University as picketers stood outside the Mark bring a sideshow appeal to the . Twain Recreation Center, which hous University's basketball program and es the athletic department headquar all sports programs. He hopes to reor ters. ganize and energize a tiringprogram. DeSpite the protests, Newbill feels ''When I finally slapped every play that the move will be the first of many. er, coach and game official at Texas that will attract more students and vis Tech this past season, I searched for a itors to the campus. new place to go," Knight said. "I want "I think everyone deserves ~ slap in ed to see how many more people I department director. I can't wait to see as the basketball team's skipper and as My teams were machines and I think the face once in a while," Newbill said. could abuse mentally and physically how scareq I can make a team, without head of the athletic department of a that, come next winter, the Rivelmen "ADd, who better to metaphorically and tme place came to mind~DUMSL. the team losing; and this is the perfect Division II basketball team. will be rolling right down the river of slap some sense into the basketball So, I picked up my little black book place." "It's war, plain and simple," Knight success to a Division I National squad and the athletic department than and saw Bill's number. Two fllld three While Knight may not be a mathe said. "I think that I made my name by Basketball Championship. I mean, this , . Bobby Knight. He is a slaphappy guy is eight, and I'm the new Rivermen . matical genius, he does have some being the most strategically-inclined is Division I, right? I certainly would and puts fear into the hearts of his basketball general and the athletic war what of an idea of what his duties are general in Division I of the NCAA. n't have taken the job if it weren't." Grumpy old men ravage Team scores a through DUMSL ~ampus new set of balls By DAMNED WIENER McCallister said. it a hickey?" Twinklesman said. from years of abuse, Brooding ''Why would they tear down the For over three hours, the "Fogey and Spunk decided to make News Hag gorgeous golf course that myoid man's Four" hit shots all around campus. the purchase. It was an event"that few who wit best friend built and put a lousy univer They gave new meaning to the golf Baseball 'We've had these balls for nessed it will ever forget, and since its sity on it? I can't fathom it. Damn, son, telm "play through," because they about nine years," Brooding said, BY LI'L BITCH occurrence, DUMSL will never be the do you have any idea how great this played through everything--buildings, ..... , ... , ...... ,._- ... -...... , ...... -.. "and they were really beginning to same. On March 24, four men bent on golf course used to be? I tell you, it was cars, peDple's heads; it didn't matter, Momo-in-Chie! stink. I mean, you could hardly get destruction hobbled onto campus. They sure more fun than this snooty academ because it was all fair game to them. With the DUMSL baseball a grip on one without it becoming didn't see it that way at all; probably ic stuff," Crudlesbury said. A particularly devastating incident team's recent success, a defeat over all deformed and soft." because of their failing eyesight. In their The match started . when occurred when Crudlesbury got mad the Missouri School for the Blind, Brooding handed his balls to wake, they left a goose severely de Twinklesman pulled out his mashie (its inside the Millennium Falcon Pleasure DUMSL athletic director Pet Spunk, and he agreed. feathered, countless divot Dome and threw all of his Dueling has ihcrea'lCd the team's "Coach, these balls have spots holes, broken glass, dented golf clubs through the purchasing budget by 300 percent. on them," Spunk said. "I don't cars and thousands of trWhy would they tear windows. "After that wilL one of the think that they're regulation. Also, EDITOR DUMSL students doubting The rest of the men fol pitchers from the other te2.II1 left I think that the one on the left is the sanity of these reckless, lowed the lead and started his wallet," Deuling said. a little bigger, but maybe it's just senile old men. down the gorgeous "DUMSL follows the traditional the angle." DICK BURNER breaking various items...... , ..~"' " ...... It all starteD at 9 am. The Milk Students For 'Finders, Keepers' rule-a rule Brooding inspected his balls Sp011sguy Extraordinaire when Wmthrop J. golf course that my Ca~h Building is trashed, recently passed by the No Career again, and concurred. _ an Max 40 cars are destroyed, 23 Advancement Assistance at their "Yeah, that one on the left is Schmelnick, Vernon students are injured and last budget meeLing--so we more like a softball," Brooding phone: Just hollar . McCallister ill and Joe old man's best friend the Stagnant's Snooze deposited the money into my said fax: Whistle and hollar -. Ciudlesbury escaped from Editor is missing and account." After the conversation, the a maximum-security nurs built and put a lousy feared alive. In the wake Deuling kept a cut for "admin tvvo decided to toss tbe old balls ing home in Chesterfield. of this tragedy, where was istrative expemes," and the rest off, and invest in a new sack Their weapons of choice:' university on it?" canlpus security? was donated to the baseball "It was hard to let go of those 3/28 RESULTS old golf clubs. "Uhhhhhbhhh, well team. balls, they've been with us 'Those guys have been kid, I wa, out writing "Man, r II tell you, $74 is a lot through so much," Spunk said . friends for a long time, • Joe Cruddlesbury parking tickets for cars of cash these days," head coach "I mean, they've taken a beat Grumpy old citizen Basketball something like 60 years. Chesterfield. Mo that have parking passes," Gym Brooding said. 'We ing, but they held up well." They were all avid golfers, Officer Melvin Dingo haven't had that much money in The new sack of balls NCAA Division I Men and I think they were members at the all old-timers' term for a driver, or a said. the baseball team sint e that arrived at the DUMSL club St. Louis Luniversity Old Bellerieve Country oub," a nurse wood) and proceeded to tee off facing When the adtninistration was asked bank truck overturned on 1-70 house shortly after, and Sioozers - 1000 at the St Morton's home for the Old, Woods.Hall. True to his 70 years of golf abOut if the whole event even occurred, back in '89." Brooding and Spunk immedi MuzzJed U - 420 Senile and Filthy Rich Betsy Noodle experience., Twinklesman hit his ball they wholly denied it. When asked why Brooding and his staff held ately got a hold of them. said. straight into Chancellor Brand NuBill's the school was trashed, they said that it an emergency meeting to dis "Wow!," Brooding said, OK Naked Jaybirds - Who Armed \vith vintage golf attire, these office, knocking out her Director of Just was part of new renovation project that cuss how to use the money at 'These new balls really make the heck cares? We're not vintage fugitives fled in Schmelsnick's Plain Lies, Cob Rambles. When asked was ahead of schedule. On a separate \\'haler's Bar, and after a few a difference, TIley're so much wearing clothes, 1938 Dusenburg, Their destination? about her condition, the administration note, "Student Fees" \-vill be hiked 969 Midori Melons, decided that the more solid, and shiny too." Sorry I'm Unresponsive - DUMSL. Spolting golf clubs from the said that all was well. nothing happened percent to pay for these new "renova tean1 needed some balls. Spunk added, 'These new Edwardsville - Who cares? "(Assistant coach' Harding administration, these four con and that there wasn't even a broken tions". balls have much more We're drunk. fused golfers came to the University window. The "Fogey Four" were never Derin Spunk! was bounce to them; bent on playing on their old course-no Twinklesman, who has collected apprehended, but at least 16 jurisdic complaining that very nice." matter who or what got in their way. golf clubs and balls for 65 years, decid tions in ' a three-mile stre.tch of the current base Shortly after' NCAA Division III Men? Supposedly By noon, the unseemly golf match ed that it was time to see just how good Unnatural Bridge Road said that they balls were really this, Brooding was about to begin. They arrived on his old "Feathery" golf ball was; After would try to c.apture the suspects. just clods of shredded and Spunk ran off Wash You Teddy Bears - full campus and were dumbfounded that he hit it. the ball blew up because it was . Unfortunately, it just resulted in a reen paper that had been stuck to knock around the This team received dry there were buildings on their golf so old. Twinklesman became infuriated actment of the "KeyStone Kops." The in used biology caday- Special KlTIJe Stagnant balls with another cleaning service. Dumpster University course. Despite their surprise at seeing and started to chase a goose around the Fogey Four are still at large. The police ers," Brooding said. new purchase, a what had became of their old haven, Quad. want to wam students to watch out for "\Vhy, that's better than what we've wooden bat. Whorelocks - Who the heck they decided to playa leisurely match. 'Well, (pant, pant) I had to gel some them at local golf courses, They are had in the past" "Sorry, we have to go now," cares how they did? "'This is the biggest single travesty in more feathers for my ball, son. What· thought to be armed and extremely After exan1ining their old balls, Brooding said. "Spunk and I have to my life since my last heart attack," did you think I was doing, trying to give dangerous. which had become soggy and dn.'XlPY test out this n~ w shaft." Ivy-League Wannabe Fencing NAIA Men • DUMSL puts out a controversial BowoJUan, who feels the new • Dueling welcomes St. Louis • Editor's note - Stagnant looks to University- excluding only coverage NeverevelWould University new cbeerleading requirement requirement has been sorely needed. Cardinals to DUMSL expand coverage bE;yond DUMSL of DUMSL athletics. Liars - They scored high teams This move may take some readers out of their mistakenly ivy Effective im.inediately, the "I feel that men have absolutely no DUMSL Athletic Director Pet aback., those who care about sports league minds. DUMSL athletic department has set right to participate in this area of Dueling said that she supports the Tbe Stagnant Sports Department that are actually played on their cam up a requirement stating that all sports," Bowornan said, with a furrow idea of the St. Louis Cardin;;tls, who will be expanding it's coverage area pus, but who cares about DUMSL cheerleaders have to be female. This in her hairy brow. "1 mean, come on. were searching for a new place to to include all local, national and sports anyway? Tractor Pull announcement comes as no surprise The guys who .supposedly want to play, moving to the DUMSL campus. worldwide sports and sports at other National Junior College to a rather unattractive and manlike participate in cheerleading are only This comes under the condition that local colleges - especially S t. LDuis For more on DUMSL sports, look Athletic Association DUMSL cheerleader Nicolletta after us women." they play in the Fine Arts Building. Luniversity, Wash You and DUmpster far and wide, not here. Men Meramec-In-Town Lost Magic - They received a Stadium war ,has been declared in the citv and state twelve-pack of Budweiser . , - " and a gift certificate for War has been declared, and the City who said they would approve funding not usually have attracted with a Ulldi horne ganles, would meet all basic of St. Louis is right in the middle of it. and construction plans. tional dov.utown setting. thereby creat Major League Baseball requirements tree dinners at Denny's. Should there be a new ballpark built for Well. \"..hat if these nay-sayers had ing a new profit" area. and maintain a quain t and attractive, the St. Louis Cardinals and should it be their way and plans for a new ballpark Sure, there will be days when the minimalist loob When the Cardinals Flow Rancid Hoarsemen - funded by the city and the state of are not approved? How can St L:mis Cards are scheduled to play at the same are not using the new field, the They were honored with a ,Missoun? Th= are questions that have keep their team from becoming the East time that the Rivermen are slated to Rivermen would use it. If the new field six-pack of Milwaukee's been asked of and answered by govern St Louis Cardinals? DUMSL has the take the field. College parks are some were in use, the Rivem1en would play Best and a gift certificate ment officials, athletes, coaches and answer. Surely, if the city or the Slate times easier and cheaper to build than on the field that presently exists. This is for three cartons of a brand . everyday citizens on th.e state and local refuses to fund a new ballpark for the professional fields, and tlle Rivermen the perfect loophole for the Cardinals to of cigarettes of their choice level. And, the answer to the aforemen Cards, the Rivermen wouldn't mind a can simply get funding and construc . meet their needs. from Dirt Cheap- tioned queStions that comes up too few Redbirds as bunkmates. tion approval for a new field and build Many feel that it is of the utmo~t many times is "no." Though plans for DUMSL could offer the Cards free it. This field, of course, would be of a importance to keep the Cardinals west Forrest Gump Bystanders - funding and construction of a new ball room and board and hopefully a figure better quality than the one that exists of the Mississippi River and in St. They received a coupon for park are nearly worked out and closer amounting to around 70 percent of tick currently and would be used by the Louis and this is true for many fans. If to being approved, the answer "no" is et sales, and the Cards would · attract Redbirds when they play at home and money .is the issue, surely DUMSL a tree single pack of ciga still unacceptable .and contributes to a fans that will come from across the St. would make up for any losses the could alleviate ,the Cardinals' cost of rettes of their choice when THEABCs OF LIBEL losing cause; And, if these nay-sayers Louis area and visit the campus. And, University may .incUr by attracting a building a ballpark by offering up their purchased .with ten cartons have their way, the Cardinals might end because of the campus location, the wide range of fans. The field, which home. The R-men and the Cards-a of cigarettes of any brand DICK BURNER up in lllinois--the state with officials Cards would attract fans that they might would be used by the Cardinals at all partnership made in heaven. name from Dirt Cheap. Ptfge 666 'lire Stagnant April 1, 2002 Teen pop saves the ""orld BY BUCK NAYKID ...... <- ...... ,.', •• • ••••• , •• • •• • • • • The Music Man Teen pop, such as the like that is crafted by avant-garde icons N-Sync and Britney Spears, is the new great American art form. Following the venerable tradition of jazz., American music has once again produced a movement so immense in intellectual scope and so profound in beauty, that the world is forever changed. Teen pop offers such a rich treasure cove of cultural movement and artistic expres sion, that the populace has fallen help less under its sway. Legions of fans have found a new drug. a new reli gion, as well as a new hairstyle. The depth of craft and expression inherent in the flash and circumstance of teen-pop's thirty-thousand-seat ' music concerts helplessly seduces art coinsurers and intellectuals alike. The well-coordinated dance moves express a sense of community and togetherness. The dances are also often very erotic, fe.aturing a large amount of hip thrusts and self-grop EDITOR ing. This erotic nature is thought to symbolize the renewal of life in the VEL VETCAPE face of the inevitability of death. This Film Freak is also the rea,on why so many of female teen-pop stars show their navel phone: 516-4886 as often as possible. Also, often the dances resemble an fax: 516-6811 attack formation. such as all the dancers forming a V, with the point facing the crowd. The V-formation was fIrst popularized as an offensive strategy in the game of football. Its A&E reemergence in the teen-pop move ment is meant as a message to The hot new girl group, Dewy Petals, are calrrently on tour with Britney Spears. Luckily for the men of the world, these hotties are all Calnpus younger listeners about the impor single. Catch them thrusting their hips this summer at Siavvis Center. tance of sports and fair play. Its been Calendar well noted how many of America's IY trying to locate the teen-pop stars Another well-respected staple of a teen-pop artists are !tying to convey most prominent athletes show up at that ha'.. 'e become lost in the fog. Just 'There are many teen-pop concert are the grossly inflat could be known, at least not today. It • teen-pop concerts. when one thinks all is lost, the teen ed ticket prices. The ticket prices are ,-"ill take many years ' of thoughtful Another important aspect of a teen pop stars will bellow out a note of hidden treasures set ·really higb, much higher then the observation and analysis before the EVENTS pop concert is the large light show. musical defiance and the smoke will concert could ever be worth, so that the true depths of teen-pop Can really be Usually, while the teen-pop stars are clear, the lights will change, and all of people who buy the tickets are forced lmderstood. performing, they will be engulfed in a sudden the teen-pop stars will tri of inspiration and to find and maintain employment. This For instance, the clothes? They haze of misty smoke and pulsating umphantly reappear, often with their in turn cuts down on joblessness and appear hideously gaudy, but surely April lights. TIlis mixture of the light and tist pumped in the air and sweat bead insight lurking general laziness. Also, fans get to keep there is a much deeper reason then just smoke creates an impenetrable haze ing down their forehead. This will half of the ticket stubs as memorabilia fashion. Moreover, ' most teen-pop 1 where rolling swirls of the smoke hold cause many in the crowd to weep v;'ith There. are many hidden treasures of songs actually suck. Yet given time, the purples and greens of the lights, a mixture of exhaustion and joy, around a teen inspiration and insight lurking around the music will assuredly ' present its Don't believe anything that creating a wall. This will cause the because they too know the feeling of a teen-pop concert. It is doubtful that true nature and all of mankind will be audience to strain forward, desperate- once being lost and now found. pop concert} the true complexity of everything the the better for it you read or hear about. It's all a great big plot to see how stupid and gullible one person is capable of being on a given cjay. The Posh, not wort_- all the hype BY SPANKY Go FISH actually walk through and around the ...... tables to order. Comma Commander President George W. Bush will No one came up to me and asked to Following a tip from a now fanner seat me. Watching the flow of traffic, I be on campus to speak about friend, I decided to try The Posh at finally decided that the maitre d' had DUMSL I had beard of its great food to be in the back. So I walked under his 'Free College" plap. The and prompt service. It was supposed to the unsightly Posh sign only to find be a five-star restaurant for the upper that there were no servers and no speech will be in the MSe echelon of the typically well-off paper menllS. Maybe I'.m getting old, DUMSL students. but there is still something special starting at 9 a.m. However, I was sorely disappoint about holding a printed menu in my ed. hands: . Upon first glance, I thought I had' Glancing around and grimacing, I arrived at the wrong place. Although realized this was not going to be the 5 the building is nicely constructed and upper-class fare I had expected. The Sharp Shooterl The Stagnant very modem., the limited parking is on menu was full of choices, but little· The unsightly sign announces the entrance to the Posh on the lower level of the Milk Students for Yasser Arafat and Ariel Sharon a dusty gravel lot. For those of us who variety; almost everything seemed to Cash building. actually Care about our cars and SUVs, , be made of beef. People were actually will fight a 12-round boxing this is not a nice touch. standing in -line and ordering such line and balancing my food and drink were either full ' or dirty. I finally Thousand Island dressing had been As I walked through the glass things as hamburgers and french fries. for 42 minutes at the lone manned one secured one next to the door--the sitting on it for so long. The french . match at the Normandy Civic doors I had to open myself, I could not Wanting to leave but realizing I need-. is not my idea of a good service. I had worst spot in any restaurant Sitting in fries were too cold to really eat The help but sigh. This was obviously not ed to eat, I decided to try some of the to pay with exact change, as they do a surprisingly comfortable seat, I Diet Coke was a bit sweeter than most. Center at 7 p.m. the crowd I was expecting. My high-fat, lower-class "food." not accept any plastic, Honestly, I'll) began to eat my now frigid sandwiCh Upon finishing, I had to clean up .Versace suit seemed quite out of place Hoping . to be safe, I ordered a surprised I had . anything other than and icy fries. my own area, including emptying my Tickets are 30 shekels per against the garish banners hanging Reuben and french fries. Then I actu- Platinum me. Although giving a full review of own food into one of the sparse trash~ over the dirty escillators and the unpoL ally had to fill my own Diet Coke in a After finally paying for my now food th'at was prepared nearly an hour cans. No tip there! person, and can be purchased ished look of the students there with styrofoam cup. . chilled food, I struggled tq get my prior is difficult, the Reuben was still After an all~too-careful review, I their books lazily spread out all over Although there are three cash regis- napkins and condiments. Finding an fairly good. The bread had actually think The Posh should be renamed in the Office of Student the tables. Patrons of The Posh must tefS, only one was open. Waiting in empty table was difficult, as nearly all held together even though the tangy "The Nosh." Diversions. 6 It's Saturday, go home you stupid dork. Compiled by Slim Chance: In 0ther news, trqgedystruck the bahd They Might Be Giants When the Supreme Court ruled Thursday tJ:lat they are not, in ract, giants. While fans . \ Still the weekend. That Tbemusic world was gi/l'en tIcle ~ood news that Elvis Costelll:> is planning of tne band are dismay€d,t/:le former Giants prOOlise to press on and keep a "tour for later t!his year_ But this annOUncement was foHewed by a means no school. Shouldn't WQ~ld recording their music. Rumor has it that theirne)ct album will .be released real oombshetll that pop music legend ABBA will reunite. al1ld, furtMermore, under the hame''l!heyMigllt Be . }\lOOve · Averag~ Height." you be recovering from a the band would join Elvis Costello on his upcornirig world tOIJr. h'angover right now? We And finally, in a recent ontine ·jJQll, .M'fV asked the Viewers what they Whlle most preparations for the upcoming, "ABBA and Costello" tour are thought of its new p(ogram, c"Not Anotne~ Reality SHow," According to the heard that Sigma Pie had a gOiflg smoothly,' there seems to be some troubLe with scheduling. poU, five. j1>erc€'l'lt said. they tike'dit, three percent said they disliked it, and Apparently, they stilt haveM't decided who's on fIrst. 92 percent said, "just show some music viGleos_" damn fine partay last night. Go back to bed. Now, April 1, 2002 ~Ite Stagnant Page 77'1 :-1 " :Flat .Earthers oppose theory of gravity The Flat Earth BY PRUDENCE OLDTIME sonable, and we developed a scientif guages. over long periods of time. I "graVity." Our teach Coalition Stagnant WrUer ic-looking response. We know that feel that it's a misinterpretation of the ings are different; we space is a vacuum, and so the the real meaning, but of course they are know the, Earth sucks staged a Lashing out after years of obscuri other side of our flat Earth is a vacu entitled to their own beliefs." because our holy text protest ty, supporters of the Flat Earth um. This means that it is the suctiQU Associate Professor Leon says so. Every time we outside the . Coalition staged a protest outside the created by that vacuum on that holds Calculator concurred, adding, ''I'm find another. problem Physics Physics Department last Monday, objects onto the Earth, not some anti perp1exed. They are. entitled to their in their theory,' it sup Department March 25 . Waving signs that read spiritual force called egiavityJ This beliefs, but we are teaching science. ports that fact that they . ,,<'-''-'"'<'''"' Monday, "There IS No Gravity-The Earth fact is clearly supported by our holy . If we start teaching other spiritual are wrong and we are March 25. Sucks," the group was demanding text. We are further supported our ideas about the nature of the physical right. There is no other equal time for the /teaching of their theory by finding flaws in the accept world, where will it end? Do we have way to explain it." alternative to the Theory of Gravity ed but mistaken "Theory of Gravity." to give equal time to groups that'The students of the in the UniversitY's physics classes. And we found plenty of problems believe the Earth rests on the back of Flat Earth vowed to "Every scientist knows there are with this theory, enough so we feel a giant turtle? They are entitled ,to continue picketing the more flaws in the Theory of Gravity , that students should be given a differ their beliefs too. Really, I think this is Physics Department than in the Theory of Evolution, yet ent view to explain the fact that a better topic. for a comparative reli- until they get equal the Creativitists get all the attentionS things fall down." . gions course ." Calculator continued, time in physics classes. asserted spokesperson Mandy Representatives · of other spiritual "Besides, we have scientific data to 'W e can't continue to. GrQuchy. "We demand that · the organizations that. use the same text support the Theory of Gravity. Even let .these courses be Physics Department offer students say they are perplexed by the Flat if we haven't figured out everything taught by non-believ our "Intelligent Vacuum" Theory, Earth Coalition's interpretation. The about how ·gravity works, the fact ers. Until every flaw in along with the.Theory of Rev. George Mainstream, a professor still remains that every physical sci- the Theory of Gravity Gravity. After all, it's only a theo of spiritual studies, expiained the dif entist believes gravity is a real force. has been resolved, it's ry. Our organization believes that ference by saying, "This is what can , It's a central fact of physics." , still just a theory. We since bur holy text does not mention happen when some groups use. . a lit- ~pokesperson Grouchy was quick demand the right to a spherical Earth, it is wrong to · eral interpretation of writings with a to respond to Professor Calculator's offer a more spiritual f., assume the Earth is not flat," spiritual meaning and which have remarks. "The professor admits it- alternative to stu explained Grouchy. "But we are rea- been translated through many lan- they "believe" in their theory of dents." A stormy night at Kiel Opera BY VEL VETCAPE get into the building. major theme of the evening, a grim Film Freak Once ~side the Kiel Opera House, and brooding kind of darkness that things were even darker. Hallway seemed to muffle even the singers. I Being a longtime fan of opera and lights were so low as to be unde must admit I found the sound quality new to the St Louis area, I was eager tectable and there were neither ushers . poor; it was really impossible to hear invite you and a guest to a special screening. to find_out what the local opera season nor box office clerks to be found. the singers at all. The choice of mini Stop by 'ike Current offices at 388 Millennium woi.JJ.d offer. Of course, I headed Despite the lack of an usher to help mal lighting and the preference for Student Center to pick up a complimentary screening downtown to Kiel Opera House on me locate a seat, I did manage to find dark colors, with a predominance of pass for two to see the first Saturday night I could, with my way into the auditorium. It pitch black, did nothing to brighten out even checking to see which opera appeared that either I was later in the somber mood. It was a very dark they would be performing that night. aniving than I had thought or they had performance, perhaps with a dark " Alth9ugh I had heard that parking , neglected to tum up the house lights, humor edge. 'downtown was sometimes problemat- for it was very dark in the auditorium. Even during intermission, the VAN WILDER S ie, I was surprised to .fInd no difficulty Still after my eyes had adjusted to .the house lights didn't come up and a in locating a parking place, as long as darkness, I was able to make out the foray into the lobby did not lead to a 7:30 p.m. I parked on the side furthest from t1ie plush red seats and ornate gilt concession stand, so I had not even a Wednesday, March 27 nearby, attached Sabbis Center. I was scrolling of the lovely old theater. drop of dark wine to take the edge off AMC Esquire glad for the close. parking space, as it Despite the darkness, I could see it the cruShing mood. Groping my way was raining on this partiCUlar evening. was a very beautiful theater, in the bacjc to my seat confurned my impres As I walked through the storm to the grand traditional mode of early twen . sion of the thinness of the audience. In 7:30 p.rn. theater, I was also surprised at the tieth century theaters, appropriate in a fact, it appeared I was the only one Thursday, April 4 rather dark and somber appearance of city renown for its beautiful architec there. Ronnie's 20 Cine t the venerable old opera house. While ture from that period. Disappointingly, The very dark production at the the 1930s Deco' exterior was lovely, the crowd was surprisingly sparse. It Kiel Opera House has little to recom No purchase nec"ssary while supplies las t. Participating sponsors the lack of any signs announcing the appears that opera is poorly attended mend it, even if you are a big fan of are ineligible. This movie is rate . ·, -. , ~ :.. -' , ·, ~ , ·- .J' _ .. • r ;:~ 7 - , " , ' .. . , t " ~ -j Page 8 April 1, 2Q02 Attention: Stop studying! corresponding drop in our ability to use 75 percent of professors chose "calcu common sense reasoning. These lator" over "'umbrella" effects become more and more pro YIr'ben asked "Which side of the nounced with increasing levels of aca stairs is it best to walk on')" one pro demic 'achievement. fessor commented, "I dm answer that For this study, participants were question, but I will need my comput asked to answer questions from TWO er." categories: academic questions and The results of this study may not common sense questions. An example come as mueh of a swprise to many of an academic question might be college students who have come to "What are the first three digits of Pi 7" expect bizarre behavior from their pro The common sense questions were fessors. It may also help explain to B Y USA B IGWERDS things like "Which do you put on first: many upper-level university students .. , ..... , ...... shoes or socks?" why they seem to find themselves "V(feird 'cfell e" Writer Undergraduate students, in their wearing unmatched socks and forget first and second years, performed fair ting where they left their keys. DUMSL students were included in ly well on both series of questions, but Some readers may wonder what the results of a recent study published undergraduates in their third and fourth they can do to avoid this unfortunate in the "Journal of Specious Research" years showed a marked increase in decline in common reasoning ability. repOlting that excessive learning may their scores on the academic portion Researchers say that the onJy \vay to in fact be detrimental [0 our ability to and a corresponding drop in their avoid this pattern is to drop ou[ imme think. scores on the common sense questions. dia[ely. One researcher comments, "If Researchers interviewed hundreds The problem became more pro you feel you have to stay in school, do of students and faculty from different nounced when researchers sampled yourself a favor and try not to think universities, subjecting participants to a graduate students. about it too much: we have found that I. rigorous series of surveys and psycho One researcher commented, "By the sharpest decline in · reasoning logical testing. Their startling findings the Masters degree level, participants comes just after fmals and· mid . have profOlmd consequences for all were only able [0 answer around 10 term.'; " college students. percent of the conunon sense ques The researchers involved in this Surprisingly, researchers now tions. By the time a person has reached study were themselves not immune to believe that there may be a direct cor the PhD level, forget about i[!" the aforementioned decline in reason. relation between a person's level of Professors and other instructors In the words of one of the study's academic achievement and their level seemed to have the lowest level of facilitators: ''\Ve would h ave finished of what researchers call "common common sense ant of any of those the study about a year earlier, but DUMSL students were included in the results of a recent study published in the "Journal.of sense." sampled. Given a list of common unfortunately our computers broke Specious Research" reporting that excessive learning may· in fact be detr,imemal to our Researchers found that as we gain household objects and asked to pick down and no one could figure out how ability to think. in academic achievement, there is a which might be useful in a rainstoml, to work the pencil." Bleachers collapse at DUMSL softball game, no one killed BV' ANA Lvzvou "I saw the crowd take a dive and' audience was small bur fans kept pil pany. We didn't see this coming, no tures we.re reported. a hotc.!og on my new spring jumper Stagrwi/t \VI'7'ter what looked like a rag doll fly through ing in. one could have forecasted this type of "I must get'to the supermarket to and I don't even know what ~his is in the air," said umpire Stan D 'rOlmd. " "I come to games with a painted tragedy," said field technician. Dave pick up some vocabulary for my my hair," said Matty R. Girl. "The A record-breaking crowd of 194 I decided we better call a time out, in face and scream, I got the wave start Sprinklers. "The bleachers were pur mathematics exam," said one student University had better pay for this." people turned out for the softball case it was distracting for players." ed and the crowd literally fell for it," cha>ed wholesale from TmBin a com whose name is either Domthy or The umpire resumed play after game last Thursday and during an The rag doll was Arra Bom, a 5- Frank Ueodd said. pany whose motto is 'a new kind of Toto . eyeryone was sorted out iQf the pile. excited cheer, the bka<.:hers collapsed ye.ar-old girl who came to \\latch her The bleachers were a last minute steel with a different kind of fee!. " . Other damage was also done and Parents ",'ere furious and students injuring lbout 70. sister play. "I wanna do it again," ~he addition in an effort to provide better Sprinklers said. the University Coffee Talk Forum were just trying to make sense out of The Lady Paddle boaters were up said. "I thought I was flying, until I seati.ng. About 20 people suffered head ' will be having teatime to discuss it. The Ltdy Paddle Boaters used the two points in the 5th inning when the hit, then it hurt." 'We received a di.sc unt on a prod injuries and 33 pecple had seriom; repercussions. tragedy as fueled for the fire and intelTuption occurred. At the beginning of the game, the uct fro m a reputable Web based com- curs and bruises. No breaks or frac- "All I know is that Iended up v,ith ended up with a 13-6 win. nID11 now at • ,April I, 2002 Page 9~ DRINK REVIEW Planketl Road Brewery, Mosquito, unveil new line of drink New 'Isopropyl Alcohol' come~ in 140- .or 198-proof, strong enough for us BY LI'L BITCH. scious. Rather than gain weight by • Economical 205L drum can always go back to that extra glass the Sigma Pie Momo-in-ChieJ drinking a malt beverage, they would • Manufactured to meet all usp that you left on the kitchen counter at Fraternity will host prefer to pay a little more to get requirements in a GMP facility the start of the party. a 'Take off your It seems that the boys over at floored with a hard liquor." The liquor, which is sold in 204 Also, IA is a great addition to most clothes and show Planked Road Brewery are at it again, With this in mind, Onmychest liter drums, will set you back around any cocktail, as its taste does not over us · a vertical this time with a new 140 -proof alco partnered with Mo~quito Chemical, $780, but Onmychest is quick to point power any drink. It's like adding alco smile!" party at the holic beverage that is sure bring life to and his brewery is now offering out that "IA meets all quality control holic water to a martini, but without fraternity house, any party. 'Isopropyl Alcohol' to its customers. requirements. " the mudded-down taste. 1234 Supernatural , For many, Planked Road is famous According to a Mosquito I had the distinct pleasure to test One note of caution, however, to Ridge Road. ·.for is cheap and very potent Asshous spokesman, "this alcohol, which out this new drink before it his the you smokers in the crowd. As clearly Admission is $15 Brew. Assh"ous can be found in most meets USP compendium, is also test market, and I must say that I was stated on the container, IA is extreme per person, and IA any Midwest liquor store in 18- or 30- ed for bioburden for added conve quite surprised. ly flammable, and should not be kept will be served on packs, and is usually the choice of the nience." Perhaps its greatest feature is not anywhere near an open flame. This all three floors of poor college student who simple can't Some pluses to IA, according to the actual brew but the container drink is so potent that even a hot the house. ·'afford a Bud. Asshous can also be Mosquito, include: • itself. I've always had a gripe with moment of passion can set off the Mosquito does . (foun.d flowing freely in the water • Reduces in house production of brews that come packaged in heave whole container. ask that consumers pipes of the Sigma Pie house. 70%IPA metal containers. IA sports a light For those of you who like a little of IA please not With the wild success that Asshous • Reduces quality control cost weight pl1)Stic container with a easy more kick in your drinks, IA is also sign up for organ , has enjoyed, the makers have decided • No color additives to-use handle on top, great for trans sold in 198-proof containers, at no donation. ~', r to follow a new trend in binge drink- • Ideal for cleaning process equip porting from room to room. extra ,charge. "IA may be a ing: hard liquor. . ment Back to the drink itself, I must say "Man, if someone really 'want to great party drink, .,'. I ~ . "We've seen that today's college . • Great for pipeline distribution that I have had very few beverages ante up to a 198-proof drink, than I'm but I can't think on · student is much more sophisticated for use in controlled environment that taste as good warm as they do happy to oblige," Onmychest said. anyone on Earth than ill year's past," Hans areas chilled, and IA is one of them. It 'That's a real drinker's man who can that will have use The new IA: strong enough for a man, pH bal- . .: Onmychest, brewmaster at Planked, • Packaged in metal drums wjth keeps its consistency and weight stomach that." for a liver the size anced for a woman. Mess you up, it will. 'I.:' · said. ''1)le are much more health con- epoxy phenolic lining regardless of the temperature, so you To commemorate the new liquor, of New Jersey." ,:, r., .~~.~.~.~.~.. !~?:!!.P~$~.. ? ...... ~ ...... ", ...... ,...... ,...... ,', Seen Rooms" for individual con on the English moors with Heathcliff back after a long night of cramming for' I templation and isolation, but for an from "Wuthering Heights." A man fmals. This club comes with the guar~ :'· A pair of hour access per person. toured the many starships with a bevy antee to put you to sleep. . DUMSL .; "Agora-Mallia" is open Fridays and of Star Trek ladies, including Lt. Food is provided that is rich and.I Saturday nights from 9 p.m. to mid Uhum, Deanna Troi, Kira Nerys and heavy in fat and carbohydrates intent to 'party ani night It would be open more nights, but Seven of Nine. increase the tryptophan in the brain, mals. Mitt doesn't want to leave his flat. The fictional experiences are well much like how drowsiness occurs after Supernatural The second club, "Fictionz R'Us," detailed. The creators, Otto Touche and Thanksgiving dinner. Road can be is a bit more lively and more inclined Andy Matronic, did their homework The entire club also helps enhance an exhaust- . for the single person who just doesn't on the chosen worlds. The settings are the sleep mode. Visitors are encour ing place, as find any good men or women out there feasts for all five senses, as people got aged to wear pajamas, nightgO\\'llS or these two because they don't match up to their to experience more than what they see teddies (though the nude is discour drunkards romantic ideal that they have dreamed or read. The dates, though automated, aged). The walls are sound proof to show. about from television, movies or presented the qualities that people block out any outside interferences. books, With this club, these people can found so hard to resist in their favorite Comfonable beds and couches are pro actually meet and date their favorite characters. vided for people to stretch out on and fictional characters. "Fictionz R'Us" is open seven hsten to the soft New Age music to lull Walking into the part VIrtual night.~ a week from 8 p.m. to 3 am., but people to sleep. Reality Room and part Masquerade Friday and Saturdays are extremely "Good Night, Sweet Prince" is Ball, the visitor is taken on a date that busy. opened 9 p.m. to 5 a.m. Visitors are practices total immersion in the reality The third club explored was "Good encouraged, but the owner, Sam of their choice and with the dream date Nigh!, Sweet Prince" a casual relaxed Sandman wishes to remind his visitors of their choice. One woman took a trip place for the raving insorrmiac to kick that they don't live there. Mu Chanl TIle SlagTlalli Applications for the Student $500 Government . ORIENTATION MENTOR i\ ssociation President AEPLICA TIONS AVAILABLE: Vice--P esident Comptro er and Assembly.. ~Iembers at STUDENT ACTIVITIES Large Re resentatives THE BOOKSTORE W1'll b e aval.... °l a'b l_e 1On__ t h__ e ONLINE Student Activities Office www.umsl.edu/services/orientation 366 Millennium Student Center Must turn applications into Rachel at 144 MSC Applications will be due Friday, April 5 (Student Support Services) by noon ,..... by Friday - April, 5th' 4: Questions? Call Rachel (516-6551) or For more information contact Joe Flees at :: Email: [email protected] 516-5286 Page 10 (go to the next page) .~~.~~.' .. f~?.r:!.p'qS~ .. !...... For those students who don't carry platinum on their person, Onthefarm points out that "there's plenty of shovels in the DUMSL greenhouse, so get to diggin'. I'm sure there's some precious stones in this soil." One DUMSL student, Danny Stoli, sophomore, fashion studies, stated, "Well, they're going to lose business, at least mine." "Oh, I'm so scared, you won't buy any more of your stupid salads and milk anymore, wahhhh," Onthefarrn said. "Who cares? I'll get your $394 from elsewhere." Charredwell's expects business to drop in the beginning, but projects a 1,300 percent increase in business over the next quarter, according Bobo the Monkey, the Charredwell's accountant. Bobo also added, "Eelli, Eekkk .. .I have a banana. Here's some poop for you. Taaaaa!" ENIGMA, from page 15 This is the end ... the end of the world. The end, the end of it all ... this is the end. There's something about that little tinge that you feel whenever you take a hot shower after a cold night, almost like a chill, but warmer... hmrnm. I am the eggman .. .I am the wal rus ... CooCooo a Chooo! Wow, that was interesting. Be the ball, and to so with the strength of many, many men (or women, don't want to be too sexist here, we like boobs just as much as butts!). What's the deal with Jerry Sienfeld? It's not like his jokes are funny. I mean, come on, he's called a 'comedian', but I just don't laugh. Crazy, eh? So rill walking' down this street when this bird stoops down beside me and says, "You, yo you, I'm a bird." I says, ''No kiddin'? I was think ing' some type of hybrid elephant or moose." So he says, ''Nah, just a bird... the horns threw you off, eh? It's my cleverest disguise yel" A man is drinking at a bar on the 21st story of a building, and he tums to a drunk and says, "I bet you $20 that I can jump out of this window and not be hurt." "Oh yeah? You're on!" the drunk exclaims as he leaps out of the win dow. "You're really nasty when you drink, Superman!" the bartender says. Editor's Note: the preceding joke is not endorsed nor thought humorous by Li'l Bitch, and the writer has been castrated. If a train leaves Chicago at 8:30 a.ill. travelling at 93 mph, and 'another train leaves St. Louis at 9:20 p.m. travelling at 3 + 9 knots, and a gopher I sees his shadow in the valley of death while playing catch with Pete Rose , with a banana in his ear, will the . Indiana Hoosiers actually win the NCAA title? In an effort to fill space in this weeks edition, I have listed the top 10 insults in no particular order, that I sling about the office: poop, dookie, darnmit, sonsofbitch, vondrook, ass master, gastropod, inert gas, DUMSL t, graduate, and Momo. April 1, 2002 ~kStagnant Page 121/11 . . Curators OK 70a% fee • crea Increase is s11Ulllest in DUMSL history BY LI'L BITCH who had announced that his legislature . Happy Grasshoppers Organization, are Monw-in-Chiej was completely doing away with high not-so prepared for the increase. er education. "Man, we've been having so much At the most recent UM System "Our research has shown that a fun this semester with Wrecked Sports Bored Curators meeting, held last week Misery public college hasn't won a that we just forget to put money back," in the Milk Students for Cash building national college championship in any said June Frost, the group's president at DUMSL, one of the 742 items on the sport in a very long time," said "Besides, isn't there a new student loan budget, an increase in student fees sys Holdthefunds. 'We feel that if we put program?" tem-wide, passed after about 12 sec more money into the high school foot To help students cope with their new onds of discussion. ' ball programs, maybe the Rams and bills, the Bored made a point to show Tom Stealfromthekids, the chair of Chiefs will make it back to the Super that the increase "is only an additional the Bored Curators, cited a "complete Bowl" $93,666 per credit hour, or $1.4 million lack of compassion and an empty stom This announcement prompted extra for a IS-hour courseload," ach" for the swift legislation, the quick Misery pqblic universities and colleges "Not to trivializ.e the increase, but it est in Bored history. into a state 9f emergency, cutting bud amounts to about $117,00) extra that a "You know, Ijust really don't care gets and firing staff members across the . student would have to raise per month," all that much about student state. In fact, only three colleges of the said Stealfromthekids. fees,"Stealfromthekids said. "It's not original 14 state schools remain: The increase will go into effect foill' like I'm paying the extra cost or any Muzzled University, Ultra Man Rocks montbsago. thing." College and DUMSL MU and UMR UM President Manual Checko, in a are also affected by the 700 percent frNot to trivialize prepared speech, said that, "all shall increase. Upper Missionary for Khatty bow before my dark might and power. Cathys, or UMKC, was burned to the the increase, but Let the underworld once again reign ground for "insurance reasons," accord supreme," ing 10 Checko. it amounts to The comments, which many took as Students have been anticipating the off-rolor and even amusing, were large fee increase for some time, and many ly ignored, mainly due to the climate of have been stashing back money here about '$117,000 the room. and there. One group in particular, the "Some jackass had the thermostat Worker Ants Society, has been saving extra that a cmnked up just a little too high," the pennies and dimes found in the Stealfromthekids said. "It was hotter MSC in order to soften the blow to their student would than hell in there." pocketbooks next fall. To date, the Editor's Note: see page 12 for group has collected over $3 million dol have to raise details regarding the room temperature lars in loose change. and Checko s remarks, you stupid igno "We've been scurrying across cam per month. " ramus! pus for days on end digging up loose The increase was part of the agenda change and such, and it's really payed -Tom Stealfromthekid due to an earlier announcement my off," said one member of the group. Chainnan An UM System official ballot. This one, cast by curator Tom Stealfromthekids, was in favor of the Misery King Bobby Holdthefunds, Other student groups, such as the UM System Bored Curators 700 percent fee increase. co.es worst. APPLY NOW! university program Board has Committee and Subcommittee positions open Work with variety of different areas: Mirthday College Bowl Applications Available in Student Activities Office 3rd Floor MSC Call Kristine Franklin @ 516-5531 for more info All Applications Due By 2 p.m. April 24th Page (lost count, 12 maybe?) 'ihe Stagnant April 1 (you fool), 2002 UM System boss New college has new logo BY LI'L BITCH ...... , .... " ...... Ifomo-in-Chiej The logo, which is is devil in disguise A few months back, Chancellor basically a French Brand Newbill announced the forma Fry container with tion of a new school at DUMSL, the the DUMSL logo on College of Fine Arts and it, was selected President also goes by Lucifey; Satan Comrnunicatin'. Newbill cited "an over hundredS of BY LI'L BITCH overwhelming number of students entries due to its who just don't care about real things symbolism; the Momo-in-Chief anymore" as the moving factor in the average deg~e in According to a vision by DUMSL formation · of the new school, which Fine Arts and New Man House Dad Bull Kent, UM looks to have about 15 ,000 DUMSL Communicatin' is System president Manual Checko students, or about 90 percent of the almost guaranteed may actually be the Dark Prince of student body, enrolled in it. a job at McDonald's the Dead. As the search for a dean and other across the nation, "Checko came on campus last administrative bodies continues, with an average week to announce the 700 percent Newbill is also working on giving the starting salary pur tuition increases, and my office sud school an image, something tangible suant of the mini denly turned cold," said Kent. "The so that students in the new school mum wage. waters ran red with blood, and many have something to look forward to. of my peers began to weep" "I feel that the school needs some Kent is not the first person in the type of symbol or motto so that it can resolution so that Burnt will stop responded to Siruple's offer. DUMSL community to get this same distinguish itself from the rest of the bitching. I told Siruple just to super The logo will be made official feeling when being around the campus," Newbill said. size his degree and offer him a posi- later this afternoon and will be on let ~ident, who at often times seems The logo, which is basically a tion on the grill." . terhead for the school by the end of to be sweating profusely, especially French Fry container with the To this date, Burnt has not the week. during aebates with DUMSL DUMSL logo on it, was selected over Ch'>ancellor Brand Newbill. hundreds of entries due to its symbol At their last discussion, a dinner ism; the average B.A. in Fine Arts meeting between the four campus's and Communicatin' is almost guaran chancellors, Checko and Newbill got teed a job at McDonald's across the into a heated (no pun intended) nation, with an average starting salary debate over the last dinner roll. pursuant of the minimum wage. Checko's face became almost crim Newbill said that "those (fine art son as he belched brimstone in and communcatin') students have a Newbill's face. 100 percent job placement rate .,,,,ith "I tried to explain to Checko that in six months of graduation. That's a DUMSL is a growing campus and hellu va figure." needs proper nutrition, but he just Jacque Greenburger, president and wouldn't listen," said Newbill. chief executive officer for In an informal discussion with McDonald's, stated that "the fornia Lawless Barton, the voice of the tion of the new school at DUMSL is a DUMSL faculty and staff, Checko great step towards employing the best became so furious that he turned soda jerks and burger-flippers in the Barton into a cat - a tiger actually - nation. I am proud that they have cho and threw him into Butt Lake. Photo COUJ1esy of7be Szl1gnaw ' dartholmJ sen to represent their school with a "Meweoo ... Checko is no ordinary great piece of Americana - the man ... orree ... grr," said Barton, still French Fry." not completely over the effects of his discovered lava pool below the The logo was designed by transformation. "That ttChecko came on Earth's surface. DUMSL senior William Burnt lc, man ... MEeowe.. .is pure evil." "We stared at it for a minule .. .it whose father has claim to the infa Down Onthefarrn, director of campus last took us a while to make out the iruage mous Riverman mascot. Charred well 's Catering, found from our vantage point," Sly D. Rule. 'They promiseD me extra ketchup Checko's choice of dining rather week to shiny rocks major, said. "'Then it with this order, and demand that strange. The UM System held its 10- started chanting about an early retire ketchup right now," exclaimed Burnt. year meeting at DUMSL this last announce the ment program to our professor and "I also want a marble statuette of me week. we ran. Professor Frink just stood drawing on the McDonald's box the "For some reason Checko 700 percent there me merized. We never did hear DUMSL logo. That's pure genius. It's demanded that we feed him the souls from him again." a image that will last forever." of recent DUMSL graduates," Many also think Ulut his insistence Although Newbill has no plans to Onthefarm said. "I really didn't tuition increases, that a Temple of the Danmed be con commission the erection of a statue, know how to prepare that dish ... our structed to replace the Muzzled she does state that "1 have (director of certified professional chefs had never and my office University basketball area is also a misinformation) Boob Simple work received such a request before." dark premonition, but most MU stu ing with Burnt to come to a simple Ron Hedgehog, director of heat suddenly turned dents are too frightened to mention ing and cooling for the Milked anything, including tho e involved in Students for Cash building, found cold. The waters MU journalism. Checko's climate choice for the "All hail Checko and his wicked meeting room strange. According to ran red with ness," said Putrick Terrapin, momo UM- ST. Louis Hedgehog, Checko requested that the in-chief of The Man-Slayer, MU's thermometer be turned up "hotter blood, and many student newspaper. "May we only than hell." live to serve his darkness .. .rny Dark 22ND ANNUAL AWARENESS WEEK "After he said that, he turned into Prince." a bat and bit one of the janitors noses of my peers Regardless of the public debate, off," Hedgehog said. "Second nose Kent insists that Checko really is incident this month. began to weep." Satan. APRIL 1-5, 2002 10 Mamma, director of misinfor "Look, I've been a man of the mation for the UM System, refutes . - Bull Kent cloth for many years, and I've never SCHEDULE of ACTIVITIES these claims, saying that, "my master House Dad once crapped myself in fear," said is the warmest person that you will New Man Center Kent. "That man is the very embodi April 1 *MOVIE MARATHON-FREE MiUenniunl Student Center-TV Room ever meet. SOIne would say that he's ment of all that is evil, and he needs Mondav "The Other Sister" 9:30 a.m. even on the hot side." the Ultra Male Rock campus," to be exorcised of his possessor." "SHREK" 12:30 p.rn. "Claims that Checko is really the Mamma said. Checko, who according to devil have begun sUlfacing every Mamma is referring to an incident Mamma was on vacation in the Deep "Girl Intenupted" 2:45 p.rn. since that day when his face in a UMR geology class in where the South, could not be reached for com "Remember the Titans" 5 p.rn. appeared in a pool of molten lava in president's face appeared in a newly- ment. April 2 *MOVIE MARATHON-FREE Millennilml Student C-enter TV Room Tuesday "Girl Interrupted" 9:30 a.rn. ~t) , Yt:)u're r~t}din~ the "Remember the Titans" 12 noon e~mpus D~spt}pef, eh? "The Other Sister" 2p.rn. "SHREK" 5 p.rn. Wht}t'g the mt}tter, did April 3 Disability Awareness Day 2nd Floor-Millennium Student Center Lobby th~y fun t:)ut (')f t(') i~e;t Wednesday disABn.,ITY SIMULATIONS 9 - 12 noon pt}per ill the J(')hn"? FREE MINI .MASSAGES 10 - 12 Noon-2nd Floor Millennium Student Center Lobby "SHOOT FROM THE 12:15 p.m. ~h, d(')IJ't te~r me th~t HIP CONTEST" 1st Floor - Millennium Student Center y(')u ~etfJ~ry ewe fJ.h(')ut Sign up on 2nd Floor Millennium Student Center 'DO~ML IJ~;\15 tmd e"(?IJt~? *MOVIEMARATHON-FREE Millennium Student Center-TV Room "SHREK" 10 a.m. Wh~t~m', ju~t d(,)IJ't e~rr "The Other Sister" 12:30 p.rn. • up tt:) the (')ttlee fJnd "Remember the Titans" 3 p.m. " Girl Interrupted" . W@Dt t(') t@lk @bemt @IJY - 5 p.rn. thill~, (')k~~ Apri14 *MOVIE MARATHON-FREE Millennium Student Center-TV Room Thursday "Remember the Titans" 9:30 a.m. l1,e~tlrd~~gs (')1' whfJt y(')u "Girl Interrupted" 12 noon h:ro~ be;~r.r tl"fJilled tt:) "SHREK" 2:30p.m, think, Li'L 'Ritch refJUy ''The Other Sister" 5 p.m. d(')em't etlre fJbemt y(')ur tri\?ifJ& ritel AprilS Meritorious Service Awards Ceremony Millennium Student Center Friday Century A, B & C - 12:15 p.rn. <:>h, I b~t thfJt refJUy DANCE SOCIAL PJLOT HOUSE - 3 - 5 p.m. chfJps Y(')U1' bum, dt:)f1m't Carlos Ray, DJ It'? SPONSORED BY: STUDENTS WITH disABILmES ASSOCIATION DISABILITY ACCESS SERVICES DIVISION OF STUDENT AFFAIRS OFFlCE OF EQUAL OPPORTUNITY THE CURRENT , r <71t.e Stagnant Page lu cky 13 ------~~~~------~~~~--~----~~~~~------~------~--~~------~------~.~ UM-St. L.ouis stuCients, faculty and staff: Classifieds are FREE!! CLASSIF.IED (31 4 ) RATES 516-53 16 • Qtherwise, cla.'iSlfied adveTtising is 10 fo r 40 Words or less i ll sirm' bileXIja rilla!. Bold and CAPS lellel"s are free. All classifieds must be p"epaid ~l' check, 1Ilone.v order or credit card. Decuilil1e is Thursday at 3 p.m. priol' 10 publication. http://[email protected] Airfare Discounted airfares offered to Wanted male & female Nissan Sentra GXE '97 worldwide destinations. models 5 speed , loaded,extremely clean Contact Lyn at Frontenac All models will be compensated only asking $4500 or OBO Blue Travel. 314·997 ·3382 lyn . fron· for their time. Cbntact Chris @ Book value $6500. Please con · tenactvl@wspan .com. 636-391-8958 or Matt @ 314-846· tact Tia 314-406·7609. 0545. 1993 Honda Civic del Sol Si $250 a day potential black, 5 speed manual, 74,000 To you know who bartending miles, AC , CD player, excellent You know what I am talking Training provided. Call us at 1- condition, $4950. Call Pat about. From you know who . 800-293-3985. 314-839-8535 Jo Mangi Tutors Needed 1993 Honda civic: Just a reminder a viking is bet Qualifications: AlB average in Red, automatic, new CD player, ter than a pirate any day of the ,'" the class, cumulative GPA of AM/FM stereo system. Inside &: week. 3.0, . FREE TEST, with immediate results, completion of 60 credit hours. outside very good condition . 4 EGG DONORS detects pregnancy I 0 days after it begins . Benefits: $10 per hour, set your brand new tires, 4 doors , moon Dancing Queen own schedule, campus position. roof, power windows , power Too much boggle is dangerous NEEDED . PROFESSIONAL COUNSELING &. ASSISTANCE. Please contact Allison via phone door locks, tilt wheel and cruise to your health. Healthy Women All services are free and confidential. at 516-6554, email control. Asking for $5 ,500. Call Ages 18-32 todd@umsLedu, or in person at Angie (314)·603·1545 Farmer Dave , 144 MSC. Know any good hoes? 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Sell your crap. Post a classified. 12249 Natural Bridge Road 516-53 16 Bridgeton, Missouri 63044 (3 14) 291-321? ". ~ -EAX: (114) 29 -8258 2002 Summer Leagues "Day Type League #Bowlers Time Mtg Monday Seniors Sr. 9-p in 4 Noon May 20 Mix or Match Odd Balls 4 7 p.m. May 20 ., . Tuesday Scratch Tues. Scr Trui 3 7 p.m. May 21 -- Avg '170 and above Juniors Boys & Girls 3 4 p.m. June 11 Wednesday Juniors Cosmic 4 11 p:m. June 12 Mix or Match Anybody 4 7 p.m. May 22 I' Thursday Ladies Busy Bees 2 10 a.m. May 23 ., Mix or Match Mixers 4 7 p.m. May 23 What if you didn't have to take " . Friday Seniors Lads & Lassies 4 Noon ' May 24 Adult/Child Cosmic 2 7 p.m. May 24 so many classes next fall ? Saturday , Juniors Just Fun 3 Noon June 15 Mix or Match Cosmic 4 7 p.m. May 25 Next semester could he a whole 1(\[ easier [0 handle if you take a summer cla' at the " , Universi ty of . souri-St. Louis. ]u~t one or TWO classes can significantly lighten your Sunday AdUlt/Child Famil y 2 1 p.m. May 26 Mix or Match Sunday Brunch 2 7 p.m. May 26 load next fall. Our .1l1l1Illl'f <:1.1'\\:' an' bsr and foeu.ed, leaving you with time to enjoy your summer. Sign up nuw, online A SMART INVESTMENT • I YOUR FUTURE. • " (314) 516-UMSL ~ www.umsl.edu ~ Can you clean up this mess? The Stagnant is hiring a h ou sekeeper. This position is unpaid and requires 60 hours per week, h owever it offer s several perks: Free food (Stagnant staffer s always t h rovv away at least half their lunch.) 1 M onth Unlimited Tanning! Super Beds Only. Expires 4-8-02 Work with great people (Play d r in king gam es with Li 'l Bitel) or chal lenge Dancing Queen to Boggle. ) Good Exercise (Scrubbing the carpe t really wor l<.s up a sweat.) Northwest Square ! 1134 Old St. Charles Rd. 739 .. 3325 Apply today! Call 516-6810 and ask for Sexy Velcro. St. Ann, MO 63 074 Page 97 cJlr.e Stagnant April 1, 2002 Sigl11a Epsilon Chi at DUMSL BY LI'L BITCH the greatest, even better than Pokemon." . ,,\llomo-ill-Chief Schmuck said that he checked Since 1963, DUMSL has out the other three houses, but in enjoyed a rich and vibrant Greek the end, "they just don't have the system, with Sigma Pie, Pretty LEX." Kitty Airhead and Sigma Tau Lf] President Grunt Wanker has Gorilla frats having been estab said that "Sm-e, if you like LEX, lished on Supernatural Bridge than that's alright. But do they Road for over 30 years. have poker nights" " However, if Capulet Montague. According to John. "Poke-her director of DUMSL student diver ttLEX is the night is just one of the many things sions, and Unruly Meadows that we do. It's easily one of our Director Pimp John get their way, a more popular events." new house of men may charter John would like to purcbase the here. greatest, even house next to Ln, although he has Sigma Epsilon Chi, which was run into complications. founded in aparIDlent 469 of "Right now, the property is Unruly Meadows, Pimp John's better than o\\oued by a Baptist chmch, and we self-proclaimed "swingin' pad" is have had certain moral conflic looking to colonize the DUMSL tions." Jolm said. "I just don't think campus. If successful, this will be that th ' OlX"",oP. ,M, •• 2 0 o[merest IUltil l'.farch 2003 . U n t WI Appro\'"d Credit ® " Home Delivery Only 10 Minutes from UMSL! www.getamitsubish.i.com IS HIRING No Need to Wait Use PACKAGE HANDLERS Your $500 Education Discount NOW!* *See Salesperson $9. 00 PER HOUR for Details! 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