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Stagnant, April 01, 2002 University of Missouri, St. Louis IRL @ UMSL Current (2000s) Student Newspapers 4-1-2002 Stagnant, April 01, 2002 University of Missouri-St. Louis Follow this and additional works at: https://irl.umsl.edu/current2000s Recommended Citation University of Missouri-St. Louis, "Stagnant, April 01, 2002" (2002). Current (2000s). 107. https://irl.umsl.edu/current2000s/107 This Newspaper is brought to you for free and open access by the Student Newspapers at IRL @ UMSL. It has been accepted for inclusion in Current (2000s) by an authorized administrator of IRL @ UMSL. For more information, please contact [email protected]. VOLUME 3S APril 1, 2002 ISSUE 1049 Teen pop saves the world .. ·See page 6 THECURRENTONLINE.. COM .iiii•• iii•• ~.iiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii ••••• ~ •• !11!~ ••••• ~ •••••••••••••••••• ~ Disoriented University for M orbidly SloW' Learners Stagnant offer· grammer, spell SGa·ap points goose rep coursenow BY LI'L BITCH Lack of bathroom, greens main concerns Monw-in-Chiej Start this week, The Stagnant is BY LI'L BITCH meeting. Honker also spoke on the offer grammer or spell course in it's ········ ·· · · ········Mom;~in~Chief ·· · ········· · lack of grass and other greenery for office, 388 Milked Students for Cash the over 19 million Canada geese on building. the DUMSL campus. Due to the lack The course will be start at 9 and go of ponds and other greens on the to 11, will be teach by Stagnant campus, the geese are held to a small momo-in-chiefLi'l Bitch. .. patch of grass around Butt Lake. "I want that we get a good under­ "Rakkklleee suqakk sqaaaakkk," stand of the American derelict," Bitch Honker said. "Squak waker wakk . said. 'Too many DUMSL kids talk WAKl<k." funny, and I want change that." Conner, who was preoccupied by The course will cover topics like a fire battle with Bowser, responded proper use of the, comma, to this, saying that "although we Capitalization techniques, to use respect the fact that the DUMSL proper verb tense at correct time; waterfowl do need equal access to serni-colon use along with other such . the campus, there just isn't enough things. parking spaces at this moment to ''I found a copy of my reading leave any speck of greeu on this book from 3rd grade, "See Spot campus unpaved." Run," and I thought, 'now there are a Honker, infuriated by this com­ good liteiaery thing. I will using that ment, then fluttered across the SGA for grammer class," Bitch saieL chamber and bit Conner's nose off, So far, no one person has enrolled stating that "QSSSSAAWLLL in the. class, which only rusted $35 squaL Quakekeekkl" anyway. reason for this is not known, Animal Control was called in to but Bitch suspect that people not tak­ detain the bird. but efforts were not ing the 'American' language serious successful as Honker laid a large pile yet of feces, blocking the agents from "I'm very sad that our fellow him. classmen not interest in program," Shortly. after, however, a motion Bitch said. ''It looks like no one was made by SGA Vice-Presideut wantst to talk good no more." Just Fleece to create a nature pre­ One DUMSL student, Baron serve on the DUMSL campus, and Beercuss, stated that ''Why on Earth Honker calmed down. Agents then would I wish to pay $35 to actually moved in and netted the him and the motion was tabled by Canner for 'some other time, 1'm tired right now and want to take a nap.' On a related note 'Th Po h' will be:<:1ffering Iloada Burg l th that we get­ fIrst 100 customers. The promotion. sponsored by CharredweU' , is being Newly-appointed Stupid Generic Acronym representative Big Honker speaks at the last SGA meet­ held to raise money for a new cbnoz ing. Judging from the faces in the audience, no one cares. Hell, the girl in the second row is too for Conner. Burgers will cost three busy digging for gold anyway. Geez, DUMSL students don't get out much, eh? a good platinum pieces. understand erf the American derelict'>' Li't Bitch Momo-in-Chief The Stagnant views the candidat s, and after talking lower my intelligence quotient? In the face of a student backlash BY LI'L BITCH with hi. family. offers them a loan. Really now, does that buffoon really following the recent decision by ··· · ·· ·· · · · ·· · ······ Xio~n;~;:n~chi"ei· .. ...... .... ... These loans can be c;xpensive. howev­ think that his venacular is more vast Charredwell's to ban credit card pur­ With a 700 percent tuition increase er, and many stl~en ts have opted for than mine? The Stagnant at chases in the Posh, Director Down appears, imminent, Financial Aid has the work-study program. least to me, as a the result .of three Onthefarm luis decided to once again announced a new payment plan for "Sure, we don't want to exclude the parts Jack Daniels, one part marijuana change the purchasing policy. DUMSL students. lazy kids," Georges said. "We'll give and one part boredon. It is a plague As of April 1, the Posh will accept Startine for the Fall 2002 semester, them as much as they ask for, but they upon the DUMSL campus that we only platinum stone as payment for Antony <fuice' Georges, director of had better stick to the payment plan. I could simply do without" any food or beverage. Reasons for Financial Aid, \.vill offer special loans really hate bothering people for repay­ "Beercuss me missed this decision have been skewed, but will for students in need. 'Juice· has ment." Gass enrollment will continue up apparently "paper money is just so arranged a program with his family When asked about the interest rate. till the 9 a.m. start time, or when Bitch . dirty; we don't know where it's been that should entice even the richest Georges declined to answer, but sobers up, whichever comes first and it makes our hands smell like DUMSL student. added, "Let's just say that I strongly Despite the low registration nUm~ crap," Onthefarm said. "Basically, it's a n<xollateralloan recommend that students work for the hers, Bitch is hopeful that anyone has 'This is in light of a current out­ from a good friend," Georges said. family. Like I said earlier, I really hate signed up still. break of colds among Charredwell's "The plan is open to all students, and to come after people for repayment." ''I'll probably just take some pe0- workers, although some skeptics feel they can borrow as much as they feel Georges also mentioned, "The ple from the bar and have them that the mandatorythree-hour 'smoke they need." juice starts f10wing as soon :t.S I hand come," Bitch said. ''Hell, I is always breaks' that the employees take may Georges, whose office is locateD them the cash, and if I se<O' them doing counting on my Frat brothers to help serve some capacity in this outbreak. behind the Sigma Pie fraternity house, anything else but going to school and with projects, I bring them up too .. J' Onthefarrn disagrees, saying, n is very enthusiastic about the new they owe me anything, I'll have to tell be fun!" ''Have you seen some of the dirty kids deal Already, DUMSL students have the family. They won't like that." Th sign for class, or to talk to that want to buy food from us? been visiting his office nightly. When asked to clarify, Georges Bitch, call lOI83, and leave your They're bringing down the class of "I get to the warehouse around simply said, "Have you ever tried to name, time you called, short message, clientele in here and getting everyone midnight, and there's all of these poor dissect a rat without opposable callback number, measurements, sick to boot" kids who'll do anything for a buck," thumbs'I" social security number, and availabil­ Onthefarm is referring to the more Georges said. "It's kept my hands TIle program has been considered a recent DtJMSL students. Since the ity. clean, and I've almost caught up on stroke of genius by both T. Redundant 700 percent increase in tuition, Failure to leave all information my list It's great." Conner, the Stupid Generic Acronym will foneit any chance of a call back, DUMSL has seen an influx of upper­ Georges gives the students two president, and Brand·· Newbill, class student who demand service and although he probafuly won't call you options for repayment. The first DUJ\.fSL chancellor. quality food; hence the Posh's menu back anyway: involves a work-study program that "This new program by 'Juice· will changes, which include escargot, fliet involves such skills as mechanics, help our s tudent~ remain in school for mignon and Cornish hen. marksmanship, litigation, debate and many, many years," Bill said as she "I don't have a problem with the even a bit of psychology. was stuffmg what appeared to be sev­ platinum charges," Lionel Roquefort INDEX '1 put the kids to work with my eral rolls of ones into the glove com­ IlL freshman, accounting, said. "After Bulletin Board! 2 business," Georges said. "A lot of the partment of her Rolls-Royce. "Also, ............... ................................... ...... .. ........ all, mummy's platinum mine is doing students like this kind of work because our students have another way to .F.~.~.t.lJr.e.~ ............... .... ..... .................... ~. quite wen; I just have to import week­ I don't want no resume or reference, become more active in the communi­ ly shipments from Burkina Faso. .9.P.i~i.().n.~............ ... ............ ,. ..............1 just a warm body.
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