Chronicles Newsletter of the UCSD Emeriti Association

September 2009 Volume IX, No. 1

Arms and the Scientist: Herb York’s R ace Against Oblivion

By Sandy Lakoff on the “cardinal decisions” – those af- fecting war and peace. In 1604 – at the early dawn of the The partnership was uneasy on both modern era – Francis Bacon predicted sides. Politicians already felt, with Clem- that science would become a novum orga- enceau, that war was too important to num – a new instrument – through which be left to the generals. Now they came humanity would acquire ever greater to believe that it should no more be en- command over the forces of nature. trusted to a “scientific and technological Herb York belonged to a generation of elite,” as President Eisenhower warned physicists who lived and worked during in his farewell address. When Niels Bohr a time when that prophecy was fulfilled, tried to persuade Churchill to inform the in fateful form, by research showing that Soviets of the bomb project so as to fore- the tremendous energy locked in the nu- stall a post-war arms race, he was rudely cleus of the atom could be released and rebuffed. “I did not like the man when put to controlled use. The application of you showed him to me, with his hair this knowledge to the development of Herb York all over his head, at Downing Street,” atomic explosives determined the path Portrait by Manuel Rotenberg Churchill growled to his scientific advis- of Herb’s career. As he worked to build er. President Truman was just as dismis- and design these devices, he grew to un- technologists were admitted, sometimes sive when Leo Szilard tried to persuade derstand the terrible perils they pose and grudgingly and suspiciously, to the cor- him and Secretary of State Byrnes to therefore did his utmost to end the arms ridors of political power. “With the dis- demonstrate the bomb rather than use it competition he described as a “race to covery of fission,” C. P. Snow remarked, against Japan. Years after Robert Oppen- oblivion.” “physicists became almost overnight, the heimer gained honor and fame as direc- In 1943, as a precocious 21-year old, most important military resource a na- tor of the Los Alamos Laboratory, where he was drawn out of graduate studies tion-state could call upon.” For the first the first bombs were built and tested, he at Berkeley to work in the Manhattan time in history, he observed, they were was declared a “security risk” because Project “Rad Lab” run by his mentor and being asked on a regular basis to advise during the war he had misled security of- Nobel laureate Ernest O. Lawrence. In ficers (to protect innocent friends) and earlier times, scientists and engineers socialized with radicals. had bent their talents only sporadically For their part, scientists had conflict- to improving the arts of war. As a result ing feelings about working on defense v v v v v v of their role in World War II they en- Inside projects. , the math- tered into a new symbiotic relationship President’s Message...... 3 ematician and father of cybernetics, de- with politicians. Science was now seen as cided early on to have nothing to do with an “endless frontier” that would provide The Budget Crisis & UCSD. . 4 military applications. Alvin Weinberg, not only national security but also con- Mentoring Program ...... 6 Director of the Oak Ridge lab, called the tinued prosperity. Government became dependence of science on government Anecdotage ...... 7 the patron of science, at first especially support a “Faustian bargain.” The same of military “R&D” and eventually across Mark Your Calendar ...... 8 Robert Oppenheimer who said, after the board. In exchange, scientists and Continued on p.2 ➝

UCSD Emeriti Association Page 2 September 2009 v Chronicles the atomic bomb was dropped over Ja- pact on him while he was growing up in York became more his own man and grew pan, “we scientists have tasted sin” also Rochester, New York. He followed cur- accustomed, through service on a series remarked, upon learning of a new ap- rent events in the newspapers but was of committees, to give his views as a spe- proach to designing the H-bomb, “when most fascinated by a book on astronomy cialist on technical feasibility. On one of you see something technically sweet, you that opened his mind to science. When those committees, he was at first reluc- go ahead and do it and you argue about the atomic bombs used against Hiro- tant to join the other scientists in going it only after you have had your technical shima and Nagasaki brought the war to beyond a technical evaluation of how a success.” said that he agreed an end, York shared the general elation, test ban might be verified to add an opin- to work on the “Super” in the hope “that convinced that the bombings had saved ion about its strategic and political advis- it might be possible to prove that ther- perhaps a million American casualties ability. That experience persuaded him to monuclear reactions were not feasible and even more among the Japanese. be more forthcoming because he realized at all.” Szilard, who had urged Albert Afterward, Lawrence “wangled” that if scientists were asked about ways Einstein to warn President Roosevelt (Herb’s word) a combined appointment to restrain the arms race, they should ex- that the Germans were working on mak- for him teaching physics and doing re- press their opinions, in view of their “spe- ing military use of atomic energy, was so search at the Rad Lab. When, at the cial knowledge”: they “understand better appalled by the prospect of atomic war- urging of , a new lab was than others the thermonuclear horror fare that in 1946 he gave up physics and opened at Livermore to work on the H- that is always only thirty minutes away turned to biology – before the science of bomb, York was tapped, again by Law- from happening.” life ironically became another potential rence, to be its director. Given his close In four months at the White House, route to weapons of mass destruction. ties to Lawrence and his new role run- and afterward for three years in the Pen- York, like most scientists in all the ning the lab, it is perhaps not surprising tagon, where he became Chief Scientist countries involved in the war and subse- that when news that Oppenheimer had of the new Advanced Research Projects quently in the Cold War, did not hesitate been branded a security risk aroused ire Agency (now DARPA) and then Direc- to pitch in. He was thrilled to be asked among physicists, many of whom were fu- tor of Defense Research and Engineer- by Lawrence to work (along with Hugh rious at Teller for testifying against him, ing under Eisenhower and briefly under Bradner) on one of the techniques for York, like Lawrence, was conspicuously President Kennedy, he found himself separating the U-235 isotope of uranium silent. York gave Teller a central role at resisting efforts by “hard-sell technolo- needed for the first bomb. As victory the lab, including a veto power over all gists” to push all sorts of impractical and loomed in Europe but Japan continued scientific elements during the first year, costly schemes, justifying them by worst- to resist, Szilard and James Franck cir- and thought he did an excellent job. case scenarios of what the Russians were culated a petition at Chicago and Los It was only later that York made up to. He would later agree with Robert Alamos calling on our government not amends by writing The Advisors, a study McNamara that the arms race was fu- to use the atomic bomb as a weapon but of the conflict over the crash program in elled by an “action-reaction syndrome” to arrange a demonstration of its destruc- which he defended Oppenheimer’s pro- in which our side was usually the initiator. tive power to persuade the Japanese to posal to sound out the Soviets about a He came to appreciate the critical stance make peace. York said later that the issue mutual moratorium before proceeding to of public-advocacy groups like the Fed- did not arouse much concern at Berkeley build a weapon that would be so unnec- eration of American Scientists (in which and Oak Ridge. The culture of the Rad essarily destructive. In his later memoir, he became a leading figure) and took part Lab reflected the attitude of Lawrence, a however, York said nothing at all about in Pugwash meetings with Soviet coun- prototypical American pragmatist and an any feelings he may have had about the terparts, hoping to promote arms control experimentalist rather than an abstract treatment of Oppenheimer, at the time and limitations on nuclear testing. But he theoretician. Lawrence said at the time, or later. This behavior on York’s part did confessed frustration at the debates that York recalled, “that such matters were not necessarily indicate agreement with were swirling around nuclear weapons at best left in the hands of the higher politi- Teller that the H-bomb was needed, nor the time. The scientists’ public-interest cal and military authorities . . . Scientists, is it likely to have been a case of simple groups were correct in their warnings, he said, especially younger ones, should opportunism. The most plausible expla- he felt, but their prescriptions of what to not waste precious working time on ex- nation is that at the time he was still very do about the problems were often naïve traneous issues for which they had no much under the spell of his institutional and biased. Political scientists, historians, special training.” environment, which is to say under the statesmen and others had a better appre- York himself had not yet become spell of Lawrence. ciation for the ways of the world, but they politically active, partly because the Once he was drawn to Washing- “often don’t grasp how serious, how total, war overrode ideological passions, even ton, in the later 1950s, first to serve on the nuclear threat is.” in Berkeley, but also because the Great PSAC, the new White House-based Herb tried to bridge these differences Depression had had little intellectual im- presidential science advisory committee, of perspective. After returning to aca-

UCSD Emeriti Association Chronicles v September 2009 Page 3 demia at UCSD, initially as its first chan- he thought, it would only move it into the limitations and dangers of that very cellor, he served as a member of the Jasons space and assure further efforts to enable work and help shape public policy ac- (scientists who advise the DOD), a group offenses to overcome any new defenses. cordingly. By so doing, he lived up to the he helped form; joined other scientists in Against an equally capable adversary, he difficult double obligation scientists face opposing deployment of a ground-based warned, there can be no “final move” as citizens of a democracy. In the nuclear anti-ballistic missile system because it in an arms race. To the suggestion that age, he taught us, science does indeed en- would only destabilize the superpower if we could go to the moon, then surely able humanity to gain great control of the military balance; and agreed to go to Ge- we could find a way of defending against forces of nature, but whether we benefit neva during the Carter administration as nuclear attack, he answered pointedly from that control depends on whether the chief U.S. negotiator to try to work that there was a qualitative difference we can also master our own thoughtless out a comprehensive test ban treaty with between a “man against nature” contest and self-defeating impulses. That lesson the Soviets. In his writings and in a va- and one between “man and man”: the remains his most important legacy. riety of organizational forums, he sought moon can’t move or shoot back. to gain support for reducing and eventu- What made Herb York so well re- I was privileged to be co-author with ally eliminating nuclear weapons and for spected among his peers and so persua- Herb of A Shield in Space? Technology, blocking nuclear proliferation. When sive with politicians like President Eisen- Politics, and the Strategic Defense Initia- President Reagan launched the “Star hower is that while he worked to shore up tive (UC Press, 1989). The campus memo- Wars” program, he saw it as another mis- the nation’s defenses and make defense rial for him will be held Friday, October 11, guided effort to find a “technical fix” for agencies more efficient, he sought at the at 11:00 am in Mandeville Auditorium. the arms race. Far from ending the race, same time to awaken public opinion to v

President’s Message

For the reasons Dick Attiyeh will review in this issue of Chronicles, it has never been more vital for emeriti to be informed, involved, and vocal regarding matters affecting the entire UC system, including the interests of retirees. The Emeriti Web site at http://emeriti.ucsd.edu was recently re- vamped by Suzan Cioffi, with assistance from John McCleary, to help us stay abreast of what prom- ises to be a very active year for the Association. Updates there will convey news about budgetary and political developments affecting the UC system and its annuitants. At the same time, we will be carrying on with our usual agenda. Our monthly programs will feature stimulating presentations by campus scholars and opportunities to socialize with familiar colleagues and new friends. The Mentoring Program that pairs Emeriti members with outstanding undergraduates in the Chancellor’s Scholars Program will be expanded. And we will continue to contribute to the Chancellor’s Scholarship Fund. With the strong support of Chancellor Marye Anne Fox and Assistant Vice-Chancellor for Human Resources Tom Leet, and invaluable coordination by Suzan Cioffi, our membership has just topped 400 and continues to grow. We collaborate with the Retirement Association in interest groups and volunteer activities that meet regularly in the Retirement Resource Center, well located in the heart of the campus. A capable and energetic Executive Committee is in place to lead Emeriti programs for the 2009-10 year. Our ties to UCOP and to CUCEA, the umbrella organization of the Emeriti divisions on all UC campuses, will be in good hands as Colin Bloor, immediate past president of the EA, will serve as Vice Chair of CUCEA, and Marjorie Caserio will be CUCEA’s Web Manager. Locally, Dick Attiyeh is our Vice-President/Chair of the Program Committee; Sandy Lakoff continues his adept editing of Chronicles; Matthew Chen will lead the Membership Committee; John Wheeler will chair the Mentoring Committee; Paul Friedman continues as Sec- retary; and Bob Oakes continues as our Liaison with the Retirement Association. I urge any emeriti who have not yet joined the Association to do so, continuing your active engagement with this world-class university. You’ll be richer for it! I look forward to seeing you at our gatherings this year. v Jacqueline Hanson, President

UCSD Emeriti Association Page 4 September 2009 v Chronicles

The Budget Crisis and UCSD

By Richard Attiyeh savings; 2) previously approved student Professor Emeritus of Economics fee increases, which will generate $211 and former Dean of Graduate Studies million; and 3) undesignated cuts to the campuses and the Office of the President As we all know, California, along amounting to $418 million, of which with the rest of the world, has been $325 million have been assigned to the plagued by the worst economic down- campuses. (The term “undesignated” in- turn in the last 60 years. As one result, dicates that it will be up to each campus the state’s tax revenue has fallen sharply. to decide what form the cuts will take.) Personal income tax revenue fell by 34 The Furlough Plan. The furlough percent during the first half of the year. plan has aroused the most controversy, Because the state constitution requires although from the point of view of crit- the budget be balanced, the state has ics, it represents a considerable improve- drastically cut spending. And, of course, ment over Yudof’s initial proposal. At reducing the salaries of people paid from the University of California, as a recipi- first, he proposed a salary reduction plan contracts and grants, the University ent of state funding, has had to absorb its that could take one of three forms: a sal- would lose indirect cost income charged share of the reduction. ary reduction, a furlough with loss of pay against contracts and grants, and the UC’s Budget Cuts. For the 2009-10 for furlough days, or a combination of the State would lose personal income tax fiscal year, the University’s budget has two. It was to be structured as a 4% cut revenue, thereby aggravating both the been cut by $813 million. Compared to to faculty and staff who earn less than University’s and the State’s budget prob- 2007-08, the $813 million amounts to $46,000/year and an 8% cut for employ- lems. Fortunately for the many faculty about a 20% reduction in state funding. ees with higher salaries. After consider- and staff paid from non-State funds, Yu- (Of this total, $176 million represents the able input from the campuses and the dof was persuaded to limit furloughs to carry-forward of cuts for 2008-09 result- Academic Senate, Yudof decided to go personnel paid from State funds. ing from the failure of the May 2009 bal- with a furlough plan – strongly favored For a while, however, a problem re- lot measures. The carry-forward would by staff because employees would not mained for those employees whose salary have been even worse had it not been for have to come into work on furlough days. is split between state and non-state fund the $640 million provided the University Moreover, the plan now has considerably sources. Initially, the Office of the Presi- under the federal stimulus package passed more progressivity. For academic year dent believed it might not be possible ap- by Congress last February.) faculty members, the number of furlough ply the salary reduction only to the state- Over and above this drop in funding, days will range from 7 days (or 4% of sala- funded portion because of limitations of the University needs to find the money ry) for those earning less than $40,000 to the payroll system on some campuses; for unfunded cost increases for 2008-10 17 days (or 10%) for those earning more and OP took the position that unless all associated with health benefit and utility than $240,000. For fiscal year faculty, campuses could modify their payroll sys- cost increases and for last year’s enroll- the furloughs range from 10 to 24 days, tems by September, no campuses would ment increases. All of this comes on top which translate into salary losses ranging be allowed to exclude the non-state of sizable budget reductions in 1991-94 from 4% to 10%. portion of split-funded salaries from the and 2002-05 that have not been fully The most controversial aspect of the furlough reduction. This was especially reversed in subsequent years and that initial salary/furlough plan was that “in annoying to our campus because our pay- have led to significant increases in the order to ensure equity” it was intended roll system can distinguish among fund student-faculty ratio. to apply to everyone, regardless of fund sources for split-funded employees, and President Yudof’s Proposals. At its source. UCSD faculty members were the we have a disproportionately large num- meeting of July 15-16, 2009, UC’s Board first and most outspoken critics of impos- ber of split-funded personnel. Eventu- of Regents approved the proposal sub- ing furlough days on people who are not ally, OP saw the light and campuses were mitted by President Yudof that spelled paid from state funds. They questioned given the authority to exempt salaries out how the University should deal with what would be gained by salary cuts that paid from non-state fund sources from the cuts. Yudof’s plan has three compo- would not contribute to solving the prob- furlough reductions. nents: 1) a faculty and staff furlough plan lem generated by the loss of state fund- Impact of the Furlough Plan on intended to generate $184 million in ing. Moreover, they pointed out that by the Campus. Unfortunately, the loss of

UCSD Emeriti Association Chronicles v September 2009 Page 5 income by many of our colleagues and the San Francisco Chronicle to student will worsen our undergraduate student-to- the inevitable negative impact that it organizations who complain that even faculty ratio from approximately 20:1 a few will have on morale is not the end of though their fees have gone up, they are years ago to nearly 40:1. the story. One question that is still to be getting less teaching from the faculty. We do not plan to recruit faculty in the answered is whether faculty should take And our legislators are sure to believe 2009-2010 academic year, despite the exo- any of their furlough on days when their that our faculty deserved what they got. dus of faculty to retirement. Our emphasis classes are scheduled. That is, should (Maybe you can tell which side of this is- will be on faculty retention. the number of teaching days in a term sue I am on.) Ultimately, in late August, We, too, are cutting in every possible be reduced in response to the salary re- Interim Provost Larry Pitts sent a letter area while trying to maintain the excellence duction associated with the furloughs as- to the chancellors and the chair of the of a UC education. But rather than focus signed to faculty? On this question, the Academic Council stating that it had on areas for reduction, my message today is faculty seems to be evenly divided. Those been “decided that faculty furlough days about the “brain drain” of talent from UC. who favor a reduction in the number of will not occur on instructional days…” Our best and brightest are leaving the Gold- classes scheduled for each course believe and that “we must do everything we can en State. Some examples of alarming losses that if we don’t show “them” that there to ensure that the students continue to of our star faculty and staff: is a price to pay for cutting faculty com- receive all of their instruction.” The CEO of the UCSD Medical Cen- pensation, there will be nothing to keep The Undesignated Cut to the Cam- ter is leaving for Barnes-Jewish Hospital “them” from doing it again or making the pus. As difficult as the employee furloughs in Missouri. Under this CEO’s leadership, cuts permanent. They also argue that be- may be, the impact of the undesignated the UCSD Medical Center moved into the cause of the other cuts to the campuses, cuts to the campuses may be even greater. black. class size will increase because there will The furloughs “solve” only $184 million A leading professor of electrical and be fewer temporary faculty and maybe of the $813 million system-wide problem, computer engineering is moving his lab to the fewer ladder-rank faculty. Consequently leaving the campuses’s undesignated cuts University of at Austin. This professor it would be only fair to offset that in- to “solve” $325 million of the problem. was named to a $2.5 million endowed chair, crease with fewer classes per course. UCSD’s share of these cuts for 2009- income from which will support his salary Those who think it is a bad idea to 10 is as follows: $39 million in permanent and research group. reduce the number of sessions per course cuts and $45 million in temporary cuts, A top professor of biology is leaving for have three arguments. First, students for a total of $84 million. The current Columbia University, where he will be pro- are going to be paying higher fees, and plan hopes to meet $25 million of this vided research support from a $20 million it would be unfair to them to also reduce budget shortfall from the furlough sav- endowment. the number of class meetings per course. ings, which leaves $59 million that will And I know that negotiations have en- Second, a reduction in the number of have to be found from other sources. $20 tered the final stages with other members of classes per course would reduce the million in budget cuts are being passed our renowned faculty as the leading higher quality of education offered by the Uni- along to the Vice Chancellors for them education institutions from around the world versity. And third, reducing the amount to find savings from the units reporting seek to hire the very best from UC. of teaching would be a public relations to them. Internal loans from non-State The most important determinant of the nightmare. When everybody in our soci- funds of one sort or another will be used quality of the University of California is the ety is feeling the pinch from the econom- to get the campus through the current quality of its people. In order to retain the ic downturn, there will be little sympathy year. Given the severity of the problem, best and brightest, the chancellors will need for “overpaid” faculty with job security the campus has little choice but to pass the authority and flexibility to restructure who are getting a temporary salary re- on a significant part of the problem to their campuses and to provide competitive duction. I can just imagine the response future years.s compensation. Institutions outside Califor- in the San Diego Union-Tribune and At the July 15 meeting of the Board nia and in other countries are targeting UC of Regents, before the Regents approved campuses to lure away top faculty and staff. Emeriti Website President Yudof’s proposed plan, Chan- While there may be little the Regents can do The UCSD Emeriti Association cellor Marye Anne Fox made the follow- to reduce the magnitude of the budget cuts, maintains a website: ing statement: the Regents can ensure that the chancellors http://emeriti.ucsd.edu UC San Diego, like our sister campus- have the flexibility that’s vital to manage Clicking the News, Programs & es, is struggling with the impact of the steady their campuses in these trying times. Meetings button will allow you to reductions in our budget. We have laid off The Long Term. A major concern view past issues of this newsletter. The 200 and have eliminated or frozen about of the UCSD Academic Senate has been website also provides the constitution 800 staff positions. We have halted the hir- that President Yudof’s approach to filling and by-laws, lists of members, and min- utes of meetings. ing of all faculty, freezing 100 positions. This the 2009-10 budget gap did not seem to freeze on the hiring of ladder-rank faculty Continued on p.6 ➝

UCSD Emeriti Association Page 6 September 2009 v Chronicles

Attiyeh from p.5 excellence, not the current disastrous blun- The one member from UCSD on the derbuss policy of even, across-the-board cuts. 20-member commission will be Harry be guided by a long-term strategy. Indeed, Or, if that is too hard, we suggest that what Powell, who will also be serving this year at a systemwide Academic Council meet- ought to be done is to shut one or more of as chair of the systemwide Academic Sen- ing, when he was asked about the longer these campuses down, in whole or in part. We ate. At the campus level, Chancellor Fox term, Yudof responded by saying that be- have suffered more than a 30-per-cent cut in and last year’s Academic Senate Chair cause he was totally consumed with find- our funding from the state, and we can thus Dan Donohue have agreed to appoint ing the money to offset this year’s State no longer afford to be a ten campus system – a Senate-Administration Task Force to budget cuts the long-term issues would only a nine, or an eight (and-a-half) campus consider how to address the long-term have to wait. One of the consequences of system. issues raised by the budget crisis. It is an- the lack of a credible strategy for the future Fortunately, the leadership now ticipated that the task force will be co- of the University in the face of continuing recognizes that business as usual will chaired by Senior Vice Chancellor Paul severe budgetary constraints is that it in- no longer be adequate. Russell Gould, Drake and Dan Donohue, and that it vites opinion from within the University the Chair of the Board of Regents, an- will include ten other members, five from that can be divisive. This is perhaps best nounced at the July Regents meeting that the administration and five from the Ac- exemplified by a letter to the Chancellor he and President Yudof would co-chair a ademic Senate. and Senior Vice Chancellor from Andy Commission on the Future of UC. The It is clear that the campus and the Scull, chair of Sociology, that was co- commission, which will include members University system will face serious bud- signed by 22 other department chairs. from within and outside the UC system, get challenges for years to come. There Scull’s letter expressed concern, will seek to answer five critical questions is now general agreement that we are no given that we will likely face a long-term about the university’s future: longer dealing with a short-term problem fiscal crisis, that it will no longer be pos- 1. How can UC best maintain access, and need to develop a realistic, tough- sible to maintain a ten-campus system in quality, and affordability in a time of minded, long-term strategy. What form which all of the campuses aspire to be first diminishing resources? this strategy takes will determine whether class research universities. Although the 2. What educational delivery models are the University of California will continue letter contained a number of thoughtful best suited for UC’s future? to be, and to be seen as, the greatest pub- ideas about what the University’s long 3. What is the appropriate size and shape lic university system in the world. And term strategy might be, the following of the university going forward? the campus’s decisions will determine passage captured widespread attention 4. Where should UC grow, or should it? whether UCSD will continue on the im- throughout the State and evoked consid- 5. How can traditional and alternative probable journey that has seen it become erable indignation on several campuses revenue streams be maximized in sup- one of the nation’s leading universities in and in their surrounding regions: port of UC’s mission? its short fifty-year history. v In better times, there were in reality four flagships (Berkeley, UCLA, UCSD, and – in its highly specialized way, UCSF). Rather than destroying the distinctiveness and excel- The Mentoring Program lence at Berkeley, UCLA, and UCSD by hiring temporary lecturers to do most of the The Emeriti Mentoring Program is a partnership between us and the UCSD teaching (and contribute nothing to original Chancellor’s Scholars – high-achieving high school grads who are among the research, nothing to our reputation, nothing first in their families to attend college. The Emeriti Mentoring Committee to the engine of economic growth a first rate makes the initial matches, based on the information provided by the stu- research university represents), we propose dents. Every effort is made to match students with a mentor who will be best that you urge the President and Regents to suited to their academic interests. Because mentoring can mean many differ- acknowledge that UCSC, UCR, and UC ent things to different people, how often the mentor/mentee meet is left up to Merced are in substantial measure teaching each pair, with the general minimum expectation that they meet at least once institutions (with some exceptions – pro- a month for the first academic year. grams that have genuinely achieved national and international excellence and thus deserve The Program is always looking for new emeriti faculty mentors. If you are separate treatment), whose funding levels interested in learning more about this opportunity to contribute your time and budgets should be reorganized to match and knowledge to a student, and to UCSD, please contact the UCSD Emeriti that reality. Mentoring Program Coordinator, Irene Serrano, by email: emeritimentor@ We suggest, more generally, that in dis- ucsd.edu, or by phone: (858) 534-0207. Or contact John Wheeler, Chair of cussions systemwide, you drop the pretence the Emeriti Mentoring Committee for 2009-10 at: [email protected], or at that all campuses are equal, and argue for campus phone: (858) 534-3287. – John Wheeler a selective reallocation of funds to preserve

UCSD Emeriti Association Chronicles v September 2009 Page 7

family in Egypt and is named Ahmal. The Family Member: I am calling to tell you Anecdotage other goes to a family in Spain; they name she died back in December. him Juan. Years later, Juan sends a picture Citibank: The account was never closed of himself to his birth mother. Upon re- and the late fees and charges still apply. ceiving the picture, she tells her husband Family Member: Maybe you should turn By Sandy Lakoff that she wishes she also had a picture of it over to collections. Department of Double Entendres Ahmal. Her husband responds, “They’re Citibank: Since it is two months past On a visit to CalTech once, Dick Atkin- twins! If you’ve seen Juan, you’ve seen due, it already has been. son was told by a female undergraduate Ahmal.” Family Member: So, what will they do that from a woman’s point of view the 8. A group of friars were behind on their when they find out she is dead? disproportionate enrollment there by belfry payments, so they opened a small Citibank: Either report her account to gender is a mixed blessing. “The odds are florist shop to raise funds. Since every- our Frauds Division or report her to the good you’ll find a husband. The problem one liked to buy flowers from the men of credit bureau, maybe both! is the goods are odd.” God, a rival florist across town thought Family Member: Do you think God will be mad at her? Our Own Lexicon. Definition of a Palin- the competition was unfair. He asked the good fathers to close down, but they Citibank: Excuse me? Drome: political statement that is as for- Family Member: Did you just get what I ward as it is backward. would not. He went back and begged the friars to close. They ignored him. So, the was telling you – the part about her being dead? v v v rival florist hired Hugh MacTaggart, the roughest and most vicious thug in town to Citibank: Sir, you’ll have to speak to my supervisor. Ten of the Best: Results from an Inter- “persuade” them to close. Hugh beat up Supervisor gets on the phone: national Pun Contest the friars and trashed their store, saying he’d be back if they didn’t close up shop. Family Member: I’m calling to tell you, 1. A vulture boards an airplane, carrying Terrified, they did so, thereby proving she died back in December with a $0 bal- two dead raccoons. The stewardess looks that only Hugh can prevent florist friars. ance. at him and says, “I’m sorry, sir, only one Citibank: The account was never closed carrion allowed per passenger.” 9. Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, and late fees and charges still apply. walked barefoot most of the time, which 2. Two fish swim into a concrete wall. The Family Member: You mean you want to produced an impressive set of calluses one turns to the other and says, “Dam!” collect from her estate? on his feet. He also ate very little, which Citibank: (Stammer) Are you her law- 3. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were made him rather frail and, with his odd yer? chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft. Un- diet, he suffered from bad breath. This Family Member: No, I’m her great neph- surprisingly, it sank, proving once again made him (Oh, man, this is SO BAD, ew. (Lawyer info was given.) that you can’t have your kayak and heat it’s good) a super calloused fragile mystic Citibank: Could you fax us a certificate it, too. hexed by halitosis. of death? 4. Two hydrogen atoms meet. One says, 10. And, finally, there was the person Family Member: Sure. (Fax number was “I’ve lost my electron.” The other says, who sent ten different puns to friends, given. ) “Are you sure?” The first replies, “Yes, I’m with the hope that at least one of the After they get the fax : positive.” puns would make them laugh. No pun in Citibank: Our system just isn’t set up for 5. Did you hear about the Buddhist who ten did. death. I don’t know what more I can do refused Novocain during a root canal? to help. His goal: transcend dental medication. v v v Family Member: Well, if you figure it out, great! If not, you could just keep bill- 6. A group of chess enthusiasts checked Very Late Fees ing her. She won’t care. into a hotel and were standing in the Citibank: Well, the late fees and charges lobby discussing their recent tournament (Thanks to Elie Shneour) will still apply. victories. After about an hour, the man- A lady died last December, and Citibank Family Member: Would you like her new ager came out of the office and asked billed her for January and February for billing address? them to disperse. But why, they asked, their annual service charges on her credit Citibank: That might help... as they moved off. “Because,” he said, card, adding “late fees” and interest on Family Member: Odessa Memorial Cem- “I can’t stand chess-nuts boasting in an the monthly charge. The balance had etery, Highway 129, Plot Number 69. open foyer.” been $0.00 when she died, but was now Citibank: Sir, that’s a cemetery! 7. A woman has twins and gives them around $60.00. A family member placed Family Member: And what do you do up for adoption. One of them goes to a a call to Citibank. with dead people on your planet? v

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Chronicles September 2009

r C You alen rk da a r Chronicles M ! Newsletter of the UCSD Emeriti Association v v v Richard G. Kronick Sanford Lakoff Editor ([email protected]) Professor of Family and Preventive Medicine Jeff Calcara Layout and Design The Debate on Health Care Reform Officers Wednesday, October 14, 4:00-5:30 pm Jacqueline Hanson President Richard Attiyeh Vice President/President Elect Paul Friedman Secretary-Treasurer Colin Bloor Past President

Executive Committee Seth Lerer Members at Large: Mathew Chen, Peter Farrell, Phyllis Dean of Arts and Humanities Mirsky, Robert Nemiroff, Percy Russell, Arthur Wagner; Children’s Literature: A Reader’s Ex-Officio: Sandy Lakoff, (Editor, Chronicles); Robert History from Aesop to Harry Potter Hamburger (Historian); John Wheeler, (Emeriti Mentoring Wednesday, November 18, 4:00-5:30 pm Program); Robert W. Oakes, (Liaison to Retirement Associa- tion); Suzan Cioffi, (Director, Retirement Resource Center)

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