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MY STORY Thomas Pouplin BANGER BANTER NEWSLETTER : July - September 2013 BANGER BANTER NEWSLETTER RUGBY HISTORY The First Red Card A MANILA MINUTE Steve Mommarets EXCLUSIVE KNOW YOUR POSTION Over A Heinnie Interview A Humorous Review

INSIDE

Stew’s Views Ancient Quill Five Minutes Ask Nantida Tom Kerr

“You Will Always be A Banger”

hat a year it has been for the Bangers. In our first year in Division One of the Thai competition we were more than just a competitive side, winning games against key sides. Fortunately, the club recruited well during the off season and had additional talent on the sidelines for most games. Coach Jeff Klentzi was a lucky man. In the past, coaches have always struggled for players during the business end of the season. The rugby bonus this year, was getting into the Final of the SEA Challenge Cup, in our second year in the competition. Victories against , Vietnam and earnt the Banger Colts this privilege. The final is in Manila at the end of November, against the Manila Nomads. It promises to be a thriller. The Banger Vets have entered the Vintage Rugby February 2014 in Perth, Western Australia. The Carnival has created a lot of interest amongst the silver hair brigade in Bangkok. It could be the biggest team ever to tour in Banger colours, surpassing the Banger Originals tour to Limerick, Ireland. in 2004. Planning is on course, for the next “Bangers On Bikes” Charity Ride in 2014. Instead of the usual Bangkok /Phuket ride the charity riders have taken on a bigger challenge. and made the call to ride from Bangkok to Ho Chi Minh. We are losing another prominent club member, Andrew Lamont. Andrew was the chief representative of Heineken in . The Bangers drank a lot of his beer, barrels of it in fact !!! Andrew was more than that just a spokesman for Heineken to the Bangers. He played rugby for the Banger Vets and also cycled each year in the Bangers on Bikes annual charity rides. Andrew is returning to New Zealand with his wife and family We wish him the best of luck. As always, looking for contributors to the Banger Banter. Remember, it is your newsletter.

Editor

www.oldbangkokbangers.com

EDITORIAL Steve Mommarets Roberto Guolo PHOTOGRAPHY Andrew Tatam Mike Laloli Andrew Raming Jeff Klentzi PROOF READER Tom Kerr Roger Fitzgerald, Kevin Murphy Mike Laloli Hamish Watters WEBMASTER Mike Gilbert Mike Laloli Stewart Gorman Andrew Hjelmeland Banger Banter July- September 2013 GUEST WRITERS The BANGER BANTER is published quarterly for members, c Brad M Elvoy sponsors and friends of the rugby club. The Banger Banter can be downloaded from the club web site. Members contribute all editorial and photography. The layout and design is provided by Ruck Graphics, a member of the Old PUBLISHER : Old Bangkok Bangers Rugby Club Bangkok Banger Rugby Club.

4 July - September 2013 Banger Banter

“You Will Always be A Banger”

7. Chairman Speak Message From The Chairman, Roberto Guolo. 10. Inside Our Sponsor Interview with Brad McElvoy, Barbecue Galore 12. Tates Club Captains Blog 13. Colts Captain Andrew Raming. 14 On The Field Adrien Simon - Playing Captain 15. Banger Humour Jokes to brighten up your day 17. Etraineur Jeff Klentzi. Coach. Shut up and listen 18. Banger Ancients New Skipper. Kevin Murphy 20 20. Over A Heineken Keith Coljohn 24. My Rugby Life Thomas Pouplin 33. Rugby Ruffian Best Food For A Rugby Player 37. Know Your Position A Humourous Look At Team Positions 35 38 40 39. Rugby History The Frst Ever Red Card In 1925 42. China Hand Andrew Hjelmeland ex Banger Now In China 45. Five Minutes Chris Fargus 46. The Healthy Banger Rugby Conditioning Techniques 47. Ask Nantida Resident Banger Rugby Therapist 24 3 30 41

The Old Bangkok Banger Rugby Club Are Proudly Sponsored by

6 July - September 2013 Banger Banter “You Will Always be A Banger”

s I have previously mentioned, it is time for the Old Bangkok Bangers Rugby Club to become a more professional and modern rugby club both on and off the pitch. I believe that we have the talent and ability to accomplish this. We have had more games this season than we have ever had. Fortunately we retained core players who performed so well last season and have seen the return of some players we had not seen for a season or two. We have also recruited well with new faces added to our three teams. Whilst new players and a fresh approach can inject vigour and ambition, they cannot guarantee success. This comes down to the attitude of the players, the supporters and the committee. We must accept we are amateur rugby club, family and work commitments of our players and volunteers must come first however, I do believe that if our attitude is right then success will follow. Look at the success the club has had this season in the Thai Rugby Union competition and in the SEA Challenge Cup. Making it into the Final of the SEA Cup in three weeks was probably not on the radar screen at the start of the season. It was player dedication and commitment that got us there. The game against the Manila Nomads in the Final will not be a easy match. One thing I do know for sure is, the Banger Colts will step up as they have done all season. Finally, the success of the Old Bangkok Bangers Rugby Club is dependant upon work by a number of volunteers who work hard behind the scenes throughout this season. I thank these volunteers for their efforts. It is appreciated.

Roberto Goulo Chairman

Banger Banter July - September 2013 7 AdMock

“You Will Always be A Banger”

Website :

www.bbqthai.com

BRAD Mc ELROY Managing Director. Barbecues Galore. Thailand

BANTER : As one of the Old Bangkok Banger Rugby Club sponsors, the Banger Banter would like to interview you. BRAD : Pleasure guys. It was at the upstairs Wall Street bar where the “Bangers” were invented. I remember it clearly, like most great rugby memories. Wall Street and the Old Bangkok Bangers Rugby Club both have our barbecues. Many Bangers have feasted off them and and presumably survived… BANTER : Can you please give us a little background on Barbecues Galore. Thailand ? BRAD : I was unable to find a decent BBQ locally, so we imported a few and set up out first store in a dodgy Soi 33 sub-soi. We’re now in Sukhumvit Soi 39 where we have a showroom and 700 metre warehousing for 1,500 BBQ’s. From here we import and distribute to our ten outlets around Thailand and surrounding countries. BANTER : Barbecues Galore has a range of BBQ units from apartment balcony units to your full-blown outdoor machines ? Which of these is the strongest sector? BRAD : The range of barbecues &and accessories is extensive. Compact balcony BBQ’s start at Bt 2,000, family sized units Bt 15-20K. Larger BBQ’s with marble benchtops, fridges and sinks for serious outdoor entertainment are Bt 250,000 the same price as in Australia. Most popular in Bangkok is the “Ziggy”, which is also Australia’s best selling compact BBQ. It’s a balcony BBQ with a 5 year warranty, cooks anything including steaks, bacon & eggs, pizza and by special request the mother-in-law if you’re quick.!! We have gas fired BBQ’s, charcoal, electric, spit roasts, smokers and marine options. BANTER : Can you give us a snapshot of the market in Thailand today are your customers both Thai’s and Westerners? BRAD : About 70% of the business is retail. Mainly families but also couples in apartments. Other buyers include hotels, restaurants, resorts and developments and department stores. We promote in both the Western and Thai media with Thai customers our largest growth sector. BANTER : How has Barbecue Galore developed its presence in the market over the past few years? BRAD : “It will never work” I was advised. Nevertheless we began in 1998 and immediately started advertising as our product was largely unknown. The strategy has been to source quality product from reputable manufacturers, advertise, draw interest to a simple but informative website, focus on SEO,

10 July - September 2013 Banger Banter “You Will Always be A Banger”

promote on-line ordering or a visit to one of our showrooms. In response to demand we also offer a cleaning and repair or restore service. After 15 years we have thousands of customers who’s referrals provide a great source of business. BANTER : How do you evaluate and measure the success of your efforts? BRAD : If there’s enough in the petty cash to have a beer at Tenderloins, we’ve done something right! We closely measure website hits and showroom visits against sales and try to improve the ratio’s. After sales follow-ups give us vital feedback, social media tracking and feedback, customer suggestions.

Another measure of success as is our business suppliers. Our product offer must reflect local award from the Australian Chamber in Thailand. requirements. Condos need a range of barbecues We are continuing to expand in Thailand and to suit balconies. surrounding countries. Its gratifying helping those Resorts and larger villas in Phuket, Samui, Hua new to the barbecue experience as well as learning Hin and Chiang Mai may require larger units for from seasoned “grill masters”. poolside barbecue parties and functions. Hotels BANTER : As you look down the track, what are you have compact barbecues for private dining. We most focused on to make sure the strength of the have to make sure our staff and financial resources company continues? are correctly balanced to support existing markets BRAD : A motivated & trained staff who has and our expansion plans. Thanks to our Old confidence in management and who listens to Bangkok Bangers and Bangkok Lions mates, who customers. have always been most supportive. Strong relationships with our manufacturers and BANTER : Brad, Thanks for your time.

Banger Banter July - September 2013 11 “You Will Always be A Banger”

s we head towards the tale end of the busiest rugby period in Bangers history there are many positives to look back on over the past few months. Having actually played seven of TRU Competition matches with our match against Thai Navy One side cancelled we just need to find a slot to play it One other game will be reschedule against the Southerners outside of the TRU window many bodies have been seen in the Banger colours. Add to this our two recent successes in the SEA Challenge Cup against the Saigon Geckos at home and our amazing away win against Jakarta Komodos Our success on the paddock have been great but is only part of the story. We have welcomed many new Bangers to the club All meet the Fun, Friendship and Fraternity criteria. That what makes our Club such a special one. After match functions at our club room’s in Tenderloins have been well attended Our Boat Race record remains intact and we have developed growing reputation as a great host for visiting teams. It does not get better than that. In the next few months. we will have some sad farewells to Bangers who have played huge roles in the development of our club. New members must now step up and assume their responsibilities so that the club can continue to grow and thrive. The new membership card is now available. I urge everyone to get your subs to Roger Fitzgerald as soon as they can to help support all that we do. We still have a busy 2014 rugby calendar with our shot at the SEA Challenge Cup title, the cherry on the top at the end of November in Manila. I look forward to welcoming members new and old to our matches, and events that we have planned Remember you will always be a Banger. You might as well join with others when you can!

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ello Old Bangkok Bangers! Hellava year so far! We’ve continued to grow in numbers and strengths as well as post match pints this season. If the other team captains haven’t mentioned it yet, I will. We are awesome! There’s no time for modesty, after an inspiring season like the one we are in the midst of. After going undefeated in the SEA Challenge Cup (at the time of is writing), and the regional undefeated boat race champs, along with the great wins in the Thai Rugby Union competition, the Old Bangkok Bangers are in top form. Keep in mind, the last game of the SEA Challenge Cup versus the Nomads in Manila November 30!! This is the final game lads. Win this and we take home gold. The Bangers are always looking for new Bangers. Be sure to grab a mate whose on the rugby fence, bother that co-worker who can’t find the time and SMS a current member who to lazy to get his ass off the couch! Still plenty to look forward to this year with the trip to Manila, the Royal Bangkok Club Sevens, the Banger Team 12K Midnight Run, the Banger Christmas Dinner, Halloween, Hanukkah, and Tates mums birthday! Things only get better!

Banger Banter July - September 2013 13 “You Will Always be A Banger”

t’s been a busy start of the season for the Bangers Colts, as we juggle - quite well actually - between two high standard competitions. As we stand today, the Colts are undefeated in the SEA Challenge Cup and currently disputing a spot in the top four in the Thai Rugby Union 1st Division competition. In the SEA Challenge Cup, the Colts started on winning form as we won our two home games against the Selangor Dogs and Saigon Geckos. We traveled to Jakarta clear underdogs to face the Komodos in what was expected to be a tough encounter. Teamwork, rugby spirit, a strong pack and clever back play on the day was enough to beat Komodos in the Indonesian contest. Today, all our attention is now focused on the weekend of the 30th November, when we fly to Manila for the match vs the Nomads. A win would see us champions of the SEA Challenge Cup 2nd Edition and also claim the Grand Slam. What a turnaround from last year’s wooden spooners ! A win is the only option, as Jakarta Komodos are trailing behind us by only a few points. In the Thai Rugby Union competition, the Bangers Colts have proven that they are a team to be respected week in, week out as we grind out the matches. Well done to all those who make this possible. We are very fortunate this year to have a great group - a good balance between youth and experience, backs and forwards. The Bangers spirit is high. Let’s keep this up ! One more thing TACKLE, TACKLE & ...TACKLE

MOVING WITH THE BALL An important part of rugby core skills. Moviing fast with the ball rugby ball is not the same as just running. When you run fast you will tend to use the one arm carry. It allows high speed running and gives you a free arm to hand-off would-be tack- lers. The rest of the time you would tend to carry the ball in two hands because it allows you more easily to take options to pass or kick. When you know what to do, do it often. Take every opportunity. Have your own ball so you can carry it when you go running. Do plenty of running and get plenty of practice. Be prepared. Scan the situation constantly so you`re well informed and make good decisions. When you pass well to a supporting player you create an advantage. All the small advantages you create go to win- ning the game.

14 July - September 2013 Banger Banter “You Will Always be A Banger”

Bridge Building Vacum Cleaner A man and wife are in the livestock section at the A little old lady answered a knock on the door one day, county fair. They happen upon a stall, where there is a only to be confronted by a well-dressed young man car- large bull. rying a vacuum cleaner. “Good morning,” said the young Upon reading the sign posted by the stall, the wife man. “If I could take a couple of minutes of your time, I exclaims: “Look here dear! It says this bull mated 365 would like to demonstrate the very latest in high-pow- times last year! That’s once per day! I think you need to ered vacuum cleaners.” take some lessons from this bull.” “Go away!” said the old lady. “I haven’t got any money!” To which her husband replied: “Go ask the farmer if all and she proceeded to close the door. 365 times were with the same cow.” Quick as a flash, the young man wedged his foot in the Not Long Enough door and pushed it wide open. “Don’t be too hasty!” he said. “Not until you have at least seen my demonstration.” A husband and wife are trying to set up a new pass- And with that, he emptied a bucket of horse manure word for their computer. The husband puts, “Mypenis,” onto her hallway carpet. “If this vacuum cleaner does not and the wife falls on the ground laughing because on remove all traces of this fresh horse manure from your the screen it says, “Error. Not long enough.” carpet, Madam, I will personally eat the remainder.” You Can Paint My Porch The old lady stepped back and said, “Well I hope you’ve got a damned good appetite, because they cut off my A blonde, wanting to earn some money, decided to hire electricity this morning!” herself out as a handyman-type. She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any jobs for her to do. “Well, you can paint my porch. How much will you charge?” The blonde said, “How about 50 dollars?” The man agreed and told her that the paint and ladders were in the garage. The man’s wife, inside the house, heard the conversation and said to her husband, “Does she realize that the porch goes all the way around the house?” The man replied, “She should. She was standing on the porch.” A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money. “You’re finished already?” he asked. “Yes,” the blonde answered, “and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats. “Impressed, the man reached in his pocket for the $50. “And by the way,” the blonde added, “that’s not a Porche, it’s a Ferrari.”

She Sounded Sexy I checked into a hotel on a business trip and was a bit lonely so I thought I’d get me one of those girls you see advertised in phone booths when you’re calling for a cab. I grabbed a card on my way in. It was an ad for a girl calling herself Erogonique, a lovely girl, bending over in the photo. She had all the right curves in all the right places, beautiful long wavy hair, long graceful legs all the way up. You know the kind. So I’m in my room and figure, what the heck, I’ll give her a call. “Hello?” the woman says. Wow! she sounded sexy. “Hi, I hear you give a great massage and I’d like you to come to my room and give me one. No, wait, I should be straight with you. I’m in town all alone and what I really want is sex. I want it hard, I want it hot, and I want it now. I’m talking kinky the whole night long. You name it, we’ll do it. Now, how does that sound?” She says, “That sounds fantastic,...... but for an outside line Sir, you need to press 9.”

Banger Banter July - September 2013 15

“You Will Always be A Banger”

Interim Coach, Cyclist, Triathlete, Parachuist etc

hat a season so far. The commitment hard work and the willingness do what it takes to achieve excellence on the field has paid off. The Thai rugby world have taken notice of our efforts. We do not stop now. This season we are fortunate to have some very talented new players to complement our seasoned stalwarts. A good blend of experience and youth. All we need to do now is work together and develop all our skills to fully realize our full potential. Bangers rugby has been defined this year by our dedication, commitment and attitude. Our results in the 1st division of the Thai Rugby Union competition and the SEA Challenge Cup has shown that we have what it takes to play with the big boys Our rapid rise is testament to the hard work and effort of all involved. The challenge is for each of us now to embrace every aspect of the game. Find joy in playing the hard games and be strengthened by it. Be empowered by pushing our bodies to the limit, and then pushing them further. We must continue to bring credit, honor and pride to the club. As many of you aware, I will be stepping down as Coach of the Bangers in the near future. My work commitments mean that I will be moving to Singapore. We have achieved many things together and I will take away some great memories. I will always be in as Singapore is just down the road. As always, continue wear the Banger jersey with pride and remember, you only wear it for a short time. Enjoy every minute!

Banger Banter July - September 2013 17 “You Will Always be A Banger”

Kevin Murphy - Ancients Captain

angers one and all, especially if you are related to one or know any eligible Ancient! The hardy, upright (almost) and steady (mostly) Ancients are due to turn out for your club again, on the afternoon of Sunday November 10th as part of the Bangkok International Sevens. As of October the 5th - one month out - I have had eleven confirmations, two maybes and only two regrets. Is that a good thing? “Ancient Regulars”, are seen around town and in Soi 33 and have not bothered to reply, or have forgotten that they got the message last month. I am hopeful that you will now signal their intent to participate, to more than the housemaid or the girls at Tenderloins Steak House. I need to know that we will have a full complement of Ancients before the tournament and again on the day. Please confirm now. My email address is : [email protected]. WE NEED MORE ANCIENTS ON THE DAY - NOVEMBER 10th 2.00 pm

Although it is technically a Sevens competition, we have granted ourselves the concession of fronting up with either two tens or fifteen a side teams. For the academics among you, that is seven plus seven ‘reserves’ plus the ball carrier should the organizers get picky. Remember, if we can only muster two seven a side teams you will all have to run a lot harder! A fine Ancients display on the day, will as before, serve to promote rugby as a gentlemens to all Bangkok Sevens spectators especially, our younger Bangers members. Inspire and show em stuff !!!

A life time of following Rugby need not end in an early demise : ÊÊ A regular and rigorous pursuit (of anything) can lead to an active old age, once you qualify as an Ancient of course. ÊÊ Inspiration can always be drawn, from Ancients who refuse to acknowledge the inevitable passing of time as anything other than a mild inconvenience. ÊÊ You too can continue the dream of scoring - anything - on into your later years as an Ancient. ÊÊ Beer and rugby do mix in ways that can prolonge life. A shining example of this is the multi national Ancients who will display their rugby talents at the Bangkok Sevens. ÊÊ Inevitably, younger men will one day qualify to join the illustrious Ancient brotherhood.

See another reminder below. Yes, I did say it before however, some Bangers are maybe more Ancient than others. If you are sitting, or lying, next to one, or sharing a beer or meal with one as you read this, give them a nudge and tell him to answer the f#*&g call, please! WE NEED MORE ANCIENTS - NOVEMBER 10th 2.00 pm

YOU are needed! Sign up now. EMAIL ME - [email protected] Spud Murphy

18 July - September 2013 Banger Banter

Keith Coljohn Banger Vet, rugby gypsy, inspirational, deeply held passion for rugby, uncommon committment. “You Will Always be A Banger”

with

KEITH : I have played with many clubs whilst I have been on the road and it has truly been rewarding. Working with an airline really helps cut down on expenses and makes everywhere accessible. BANTER : Explain a little about the flight attendant game and why you have spent a lifetime in it ? KEITH : Its not a nine to five gig so that is extremely attractive. Secondly, the world is a big place out there and somebody has to do it! Nothing is better than getting off a plane and know that you are going to a , Six Nations or a Bangers match. BANTER : Lets go back to the beginning. As a young man in the USA you never played or had an interest in rugby ? KEITH : I had some fraternity brothers tell me that to stay in shape for the gridiron, I should play rugby. I did, the monster was created. KEITH COLJOHN is the only Banger Original BANTER : How old were you when you started to still actively involved in the game. He takes play and the name of your first club ? KEITH : I was 19 year old junior at the University his boots with him where ever he goes of John Carroll, a Jesuit school in Cleveland, Ohio. around the planet. Recently, he played in BANTER : What drew you to game? the Aspen Ruggerfest in Colorado. Colin KEITH : Everything. The people, the game and is always available for the Banger Vets whenever he is in town and has signed up to join the Banger Vets in Perth next year for the World Vintage Carnival.

BANTER : Keith, this interview is special. You are the only original Banger still playing for the club. Most of your old team mates have hung up the boots and are playing golf ? KEITH : As is the case with life, the longer you live to more mates pass on. BANTER : You have an interesting career that’s taken you all the planet ? Old Bangkok Bangers Rugby Club In Manila 2005

21 July - September 2013 Banger Banter “You Will Always be A Banger”

the excellent rendition of the muffin man. not kiddin. We had a guy that could take his clothes off and put them back on without spilling a drop of that beer balanced on his head! BANTER : Who were inspirational sports personalities growing up in Cleveland ? KEITH : I started with Cleveland gridiron guys like Jim Brown and Paul Warfield. and wrestling were other interests and finally just sports in general. Essentially, it all went back to my brothers because they were my real inspiration. BANTER : What sports did you play in your youth ? KEITH : I played american , wrestled, and baseball. I loved but was too short to be serious BANTER : You seem to have enjoyed your time with the Bangers. A great man to have on tour I am told ? KEITH : I always considered myself a tour player. Always comfortable being on the road. Good tour players are guys that can still play whatever happened the night before. BANTER : Enjoying your rugby with the Banger Ancients and Veterans ? KEITH : Always. Just got back from Aspen, Colorado. after playing in the Aspen Ruggerfest. They have an over 55's division and next year they plan on having an over 60’s. BANTER : We have some great pictures of you in Cape Town with the Banger Veterans a few years back. You seem to be in your element? KEITH : Its was Capetown. Everyone enjoyment zone in such a beautiful place. BANTER : Lately, we have seen you running the sideline for the Banger Colts. You seem to enjoy it. What motivates you to get out and support the club? KEITH : Remember when you were their age? Its wonderful watching them develop and to have a few guys on the sideline that appreciate their performance is important. Experience and youth, what a combination. BANTER : You arrived in Bangkok how did you end up joining the Old Bangkok Bangers ? KEITH : I started playing with the Southerners. A few of us were talking then about forming an Old Boys team. Numbers where very scarce in the early days however, we managed, thanks to Wall Street and Rick O’Shea. This is not a plug but true. BANTER : What are you other interests outside of rugby? KEITH : I enjoy going to the gym, playing golf, and attending baseball games whenever I can. BANTER : I am sure the young fellas can learn a trick or two from you ? KEITH : there are no tricks its all skill! BANTER : Thanks for your time. KEITH : Wish I had more time to support the Bangers. Its always a pleasure and so nice to see the club doing well. I will always be more that a fan.

Banger Banter July - September 2013 22 AdMock tough as teak, uncompromising, passionate, never-say-die attitiude “You Will Always be A Banger”

left Strasbourg to serve in the French army as a scientist, in the small pacific island of New Caledonia 2000 kilometers north east of Sydney, Australia. Whilst there, he discovered the culture of the native Kanak Melanesians, and their respect and understanding of nature. Thomas describes his time in New Caledonia as “probably the best two years of my life “ When he returned to France in 2002, he received a fellowship from the Museum of Natural History in Paris earning a doctorate degree in his chosen field. In 2007, he relocated to Ho Chi Minh, Vietnam to build and develop a laboratory in an academic center for tropical medicine. homas Pouplin, has been with the Old Bangkok Bangers Rugby Club for two years In career move to Bangkok in 2011, he was offered and in that time has established himself as an advanced study fellowship as a senior scientist key player and one of the Bangers uniquely at the Mahidol/Oxford university tropical medicine engaging and up front characters. research programme. His job is to collaborate Uncompromising, never afraid to tell it as he sees with local health authorities to run clinical trials it, yet, for all his bullishness on the pitch, there also and enhance existing therapies against tropical a more unconventional side to the man. diseases. As an academic, Thomas career experience as Thomas as a young man took up gymnastics. taken him to the South Pacific, Vietnam and Some people still Thailand mark him out as anything but the asked him after all stereotypical rugby player. these years, can he still do a back His refreshingly honest approach to the game flip? His answer was and the lessons he has learnt along the way surprisingly. “I can have taught him that you have the commitment still do it, - better, everything is possible. when I have had a Thomas was born in 1975 in Strasbourg, France in few beers.” the Alsac region on France’s eastern adjacent to At the age of thirteen, Germany and Switzerland. The cultural heritage he developed an of Alsac represents a mix of French and German interest in wild water influences and is famous for it Reiling and kayaking, a physically demanding sport he trained Gewürztraminer wines and its rich cuisine. hard at for the next fourteen years. Successful, This is a rugby piece in a rugby club newsletter paddlers possess refined technical skill, as well as however, Thomas has achieved so much strength, endurance, aerobic capacity, aspects of academically, it would be amiss not to mention his the discipline that helped him later playing rugby. achievements. As he reflects; “there no better feeling than He graduated as a pharmacist, specialized in active navigating the rivers and battling the rapids in the drugs from natural products. In 2000, Thomas pristine breath taking mountain wilderness””

25 July - September 2013 Banger Banter “You Will Always be A Banger”

Thomas was good at wild water kayaking, he packed down in “It is something I will never good enough to be recognized by the national forget!” After a few years learning the trade, he administrators. “I practiced at a national level and migrated to the side of the scrum. He thought grabbed some gold however, being part of the about the backs however, “I didn’t have enough elite requires a full commitment. The family wisely hair to play with the backs.!!!” advised me to keep studying. At the time, wild In Vietnam in 2007, he joined the Saigon Geckos water kayak was an adventure sport, enthusiasts, Rugby Club “A classic bunch of expatriates with no money. The reward was to finish then from around the planet and a significant pack event alive and in one piece.” of talented Frenchman.” Thomas played for the In 2003 when Thomas returned from the New Geckoes for four years. Caledonia, he joined the “RC Val de Bièvre” a local There is no active rugby championship in club near his home in south Paris. He went to ask Vietnam. Competition for the Geckos is the the club for some membership information. The “Indochine Cup” South East Asia’s oldest rugby club had him out training that night. Thomas tournament, involving Vietnam, Cambodia and reflects, “A nice man, Mohammed, offered me Laos and the Angkor International Tens in Phnom his boots. Mohammed trained that night in bare Penh. The Geckos join Cambodian national feet. It was a great first training session which championship in 2010 and 2011. They won the concluded with a mammoth beer drinking session. championship twice and were never invited back. The club happened to have there own draught Thomas arrived in Bangkok. he looked for a rugby beer system.” club to join. It was recommended by his Saigon After that evening, Thomas made the decision friends he join the Southerners. Thankfully, he to continue training. He started his rugby career did not make a rash decision. When he found out as a prop and still recalls vividly first ever scrum from another source, the Bangers were the most French rugby club in Bangkok, he made the call. “You can’t imagine how much I appreciated that advice. “ Thomas loves his rugby with the Bangers “We have a great club, superb club rooms, players from all around rugby world, plenty of social activity and great sponsor support. This is what makes this club so very special. “ Some of his favorite sporting moments were his kayaking days. The focus required to negotiate white water and the unbound freedom of the pursuit. The Banger rugby achievements this year rate a mention. The Thai Rugby Union competition wins and playing in the Final of the

Banger Banter July - September 2013 26 SEA Challenge Cup at the end of November in Manila is going to be special. “Only eighty long minutes to go” he says. Like most players, he gets nervous before a big game “Nothing really works” he said, “I just focus on the kick- off, wait for the whistle and then I feel ready for the battle.” He does have an interesting pre match routine though. He puts the left sock before the right but never both at the same time. More important is his lucky underwear. “I have worn the same underwear since 2005 after I won my first rugby trophy.” Washed of course. If he was not a playing rugby, inevitably he would choose another outdoor extreme sport. He thought he might give ocean outrigger boats a go for a change. In essence, escaping civilization is high on the agenda. “I like resting under the shade of big trees in the wild outdoors. Big mountains along the seashore would be perfect.”’ Thomas has young family and making sure the family is happy is a priority. “I have no better feelings than watching my kids smiling with bright eyes and a beaming face.” Rugby demands certain qualities of a man, commitment, courage, loyalty and the ability to earn your teammates trust. Thomas has all those and more. He is a proud Frenchman and fiercely loyal to the Old Bangkok Bangers Rugby Club. A nuggetty, tough and uncompromising flanker and a passionate leader both on and off the field. He plays the game hard, and his willingness to push his body to the limits, is why he is held in such high regard by all his team mates. The Bangers are indeed fortunate to have him on board.

Professional Portfolio International

SupportingProud Supporters the Bangkok Of The 10s, InternationalBangkok Rugby International Tournament - FebruaryRugby 18th/19th Tens 2012

Contact Us Professional Portfolio International (PPI) 209/1 K Tower, Tower B, 19th Fl., Unit 4, Sukhumvit 21 Rd. (Asoke) Klongtoey Nua, Wattana, Bangkok 10110, Thailand Tel +662 664 0968, +662 664 0145 | Fax +662 260 7769 | www.ppi-advisory.com “You Will Always be A Banger”

Banger Banter July - September 2013 28 AdMock

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Steve Mommarets - Manila. Banger Since 2007

ello They all looked at me and then the picture and Bangers very politely told me they did not think so. I guess from the all that airbrushing made me someone I am not. far east of SE I will stick to sports where I know people can Asia and always remember that tall blond guy in the back friendly Manila. line. It has been As I mentioned earlier, I have expanding my a hectic few athletic horizons and have taken up the sport of months, Australian Rules Football (AFL). Aussie Rules for with rugby, the non Aussies out there. Australian Rules Back in August, I was called upon on to represent Football and the Philippines, and play for the Philippine Eagles, my modeling in the Asian Championships. in Thailand career taking up my time. AFL is a funny game for rugby guys to play. Explain to me rules, where you get to smash the man I was happy to see my eye glasses advertisement before he has the ball but once he catches it you displayed in the local shopping mall a short while are not allowed to touch him? back and as people were there trying on glasses, I decided to do a short cameo for the fans. I stood Hard to play a contact game when you can’t next to my cut out and let the people know it was contact them. The game is organized chaos at its indeed me in the advertisement. finest and good fun once you get the basics. The Philippine Eagles ended the tourney in second place, after finishing dead last in 2012. I can’t be sure if that second place finish was because of me or in spite of me being there. They have penalties for hitting someone too hard and not from the front. At a point in one match, after I tackled the man and got up and complained that I should not tackle so hard. Maybe these Aussie Rules guys are just not as hard as their rugby counterparts or it is just an Aussie thing. The weekend was great and you cant go wrong with an excuse to spend two nights in Pattaya. I heard they have a walking street where there are dozens of bars with beer and entertainment. Looking forward to checking that place out the next trip. After an August filled with Aussie Rules, it was back to rugby and the SEA Challenge Cup game in Indonesia. I flew off to Jakarta with the boys for what we thought would be a great weekend of rugby and drinking. It was certainly was that. for the twenty three man

Banger Banter July - September 2013 30 “You Will Always be A Banger”

touring squad who abstained from drinking on Friday so we could front up and come away with a big win against the Komodos. Someone forgot to tell the Nomads we play better after a night of drinking, because Jakarta took it to us for sixty minutes and come away with a solid win. We finally won a boat race though and continued our strong tradition of drinking away our memories after a bad away game. Recently, I headed off to Bangkok again to join my beloved Bangers in another SEA Challenge Cup game against the visiting Saigon Geckos. Thanks for getting me into the game coach. ! If the Bangers end up winning the SEA Cup this year, I think this should get me officially into the victory parade and give me two SEA Cup titles in as many years.!!!! Whoever said whoring around never gets you anywhere, has never played rugby. Save a spot in the team photo for this far east Banger. See you on the pitch or Rawhide.

31 July - September 2013 Banger Banter “You Will Always be A Banger”

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Banger Banter July - September 2013 32 “You Will Always be A Banger”

here are few sports as physical as rugby. It’s therefore not surprising that a rugby players diet must enable him to withstand the vigorous training and equip him to reach peak performance. So, for the benefit of others also interested in this subject, here are a few pointers. If you play a sport that’s similar, something like a rugby players diet may form a good basis. I leave that for you to decide. A healthy diet for regular activity should consist of : zz At least 5 portions of fruit and vegetables daily. zz Plenty of starchy carbohydrate foods, particularly high fibre varieties. zz Small amounts of protein. zz Small amounts of low fat dairy products. zz A reduction in the amount of fat, fatty foods, and sugary foods eaten. zz Plenty of fluids throughout the day. This is sufficient for most of us. However, if you’re spending your time sprinting, tackling, and driving scrums, you’re going to need something more substantial. A rugby players diet is slightly different. RUGBY PLAYERS DIET The training diet of a rugby player should:

zz Be high in energy to help with muscle gain – eat three meals and regular snacks everyday. zz Be high in carbohydrate rich foods – breakfast cereal, bread, muffins, crackers and crisp breads, muesli bars, rice, pasta, potatoes, fruit, smoothies. These should form the basis for most meals and snacks. This will help with exercise performance, recovery from training, and muscle gain. zz Be moderate in protein rich foods – meat, poultry, fish, dairy products, beans, peas, lentils, unsalted nuts. There is no need to eat masses of extra protein to “bulk up.”

Remember, protein rich foods are not the main source of energy for exercise

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“You Will Always be A Banger”

Tom Watters - First Bangers Captain 2007- 8

suppose all the younger members of the great Old Bangkok Bangers and those who have just taken up the game will have no idea what I am talking about. I refer to the days when rugby was a great game to play and watch and there was not the interference we have now from referees, TMOs, after game citing and of course the IRB who are continually trying to tweak the laws of the game. Some sides, especially the mighty All Blacks, are experts at playing the laws and the referees to their advantage. Richie McCaw isn’t called “Offside McCaw” for nothing. There is no longer any great differentiation between forwards Mind you in Scotland in the winter frostbite was the biggest danger and backs. In the olden days for the wingers as they seldom saw the ball. I remember when my (my son reckons my olden days good mate Euan Kennedy first played for Scotland. He was around six were yonks ago) forwards were feet five inches and played in the centre. forwards and backs were backs. He was probably one of the first players of that size to play in the The front row had the wee stocky backs and this was not missed on the commentators of the time guys, second row normally two including the famous Bill McLaren who said he thought a second tall skinny guys and the back row rower had got stuck in the centre. a mixture of both. Now if you look at a team backs and forwards are all very similar and The scrum half was a short thin of course very big. Front row forwards can run, all forwards hang out fast guy and the fly half similar in the backs and backs get involved in the rucks and mauls. but slightly taller and usually Even the traditionally short scrum half, although a bit shorter than with more of a brain the others, is still six feet and above. Now this metamorphism to all Then the backs were no more players being very similar has taken away a lot of the old excitement than six feet tall but usually fast and rivalry in the game. especially the boys on the wings.

35 July - September 2013 Banger Banter “You Will Always be A Banger”

Just look at the shambles that scrums have after a game. In fact it is possible now better to become. God forbid the IRB doesn’t decide to watch rugby on the TV as all the action is where follow and have the scrums as the ball is and the TV cameras can follow it better. a means of only putting the ball into play. But Interestingly here in Perth the Australian Football scrums now are forever being reset and wasting (AFL) is the number one sport, probably like a good playing time. religion similar to what rugby is in New Zealand. There was one recent international match where AFL is much better to watch live and not on TV, the ball was in play for only 34 minutes of the because of all the action and incidents off the ball. whole game and this apparently is not unusual. In OK the players can be cited for really rough play the old days scrums were great experiences and but that doesn’t stop them having a real go. the rivalry between the front rows was legendary. Talking of Perth, I am looking forward to the It was highly unusual for front rowers to be seen Bangers visiting here next year for the Vintage running with the ball and for them to score TRYs Rugby Tournament. was a rare sight but great in the bar afterwards. It has not yet been promoted here too much, but Also in the olden days there was a lot of off the I am sure excitement will build after New Year. We ball incidents and action. That has gone now have several potential old guys here if needed. Aw completely because of the TMO and possible citing ra best!!!

SHOULDER HIT The hit must be made with the shoulder not just the arms. This can be practised using rugby drills where defenders hit moving pads with their arms behind their backs. Once the hit is made, the tackler must clamp the ball with his “hit arm”, meaning that for a right shoulder hit, the right arm clamps ball. This leaves his other arm free to try and grab one of the ball carrier’s legs and pick it up. This destabilizes the ball carrier but keeps him upright. So the second defender can come in and help complete the tackle.

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or lineout. The hooker’s job mandates that he have a bald patch on the top of his head, so don’t bring it up unless you want your face raked in the next breakdown. LOCKS: Tall and strong, these giants round out the powerhouse that is the tight five. Also called the second row, they are known for their strength and athleticism, although not necessarily for their intellect. Most were not actually born slow. However, years of jamming their heads between the front row’s asses have taken a toll on their mental capacities. Nevertheless, locks remain an essential part of scrums and lineouts and are here have been many attempts to describe indispensable in rucking and ball possession. the complex roles and responsibilities of FLANKERS: These athletic machines have all the each member of a rugby team and the speed, talent, and skill of backs, but would rather dynamic interactions that take place on and off enjoy the brutality of the scrum than sit idly by the pitch. and watch the proceedings. They are confident, Many of these past attempts have been accurate, although not nearly as cocky as the backs, and many have been precise, and many have been they take great pride in flattening opposing humorous. Most give entirely too much credit to scrum halfs, even if the hit is late. Such an honor the backs, despite their best intentions. is reserved for flankers because they are the most The following is a breakdown of the different versatile players on the field, capable of producing positions on a rugby pitch. It is intended for awe-inspiring runs, running smart support lines, or educational purposes only. playing hard-nosed defense if needed. NUMBER EIGHT: Rounding out the forward FORWARDS pack, this man has no need for a name; rather one PROPS: These warm, friendly chaps go through refers to him only by number. Sharing many of the life with healthy, albeit often toothless, smiles. In versatile and athletic traits of the flankers, he is general they are slightly overweight, although clearly the most valuable man on the rugby pitch. they prefer the term “solid.” But don’t let their jolly He has the speed to run around the defense, but demeanors fool you: put anything too close to a would rather run over them if presented with the prop’s mouth and you may never see it again. They option. Although he is not as groomed as those in eat constantly to fuel their monstrous aggression the back line, the number eight is one of the most in the scrums. Like many forwards, they dream handsome players on the squad. of one day hitting a drop goal in a real game and practice the skill diligently in training. They are BACKS loyal and trustworthy and great friends to have SCRUM HALF: If one back must be tolerated, it is around off the pitch. the scrum half. He is scrappy and loud, and doesn’t shy away from a fight. In fact, he starts them more HOOKER: The smallest forward, a hooker is known frequently than anyone else on the team. This for his crafty ways and cauliflower ears. He is not sometimes gets him into trouble because he is always the fastest or most athletic man on the too small finish an altercation: usually a forward pitch, but he manages to get the job done for the is required to intervene and save him. A good full 80 minutes. Hooking and throwing skills are number nine will rake mercilessly and punch essential as he is a critical part of any good scrum opposing players in the face, or worse if they don’t

37 July - September 2013 Banger Banter “You Will Always be A Banger”

release the ball. His passing and kicking skills are back. Off the field, they boast of breaking tackles developed by necessity only. In reality, he is a and scoring tries, although everyone else knows forward trapped in a back’s body and would stick better. his nose in the scrum if allowed. WINGS: These speed demons hang around the FLY HALF: The cockiest man on the field, the outskirts of the action so as to keep their uniforms fly half is never seen in the locker room without clean. On occasion, they have a chance to break his hairbrush and French cologne. The fly half for long runs and excite the crowd, although supposedly leads the backs and directs the flow of more often than not they are tackled quickly or the game, but he is usually found screaming out pushed out of bounds. Their weak statures also incoherent orders and yelling at others to ruck so mean they tend to be injured quite easily. Wings he doesn’t have to. His passes are rarely as pretty look more like soccer players than rugby players, as his face and his flashy runs often result in a loss and always have over-inflated egos. On the of yardage or a dropped pass. For his uneducated occasion the forwards provide them with an easy foot, the fly half enjoys kicking far more than is opportunity to score, the wings take all the credit productive or even healthy. Off the field, he cannot and congratulate themselves by staunchly avoided be trusted; as such, any self-respecting woman any contact for the remainder of the game. should avoid him at all costs. FULLBACK: The last line of defense, the fullback CENTERS: These players like to refer to themselves usually crumbles under all the pressure that is put as a locomotives or “freight trains,” although their on him. This manifests in various ways including speed is often lacking and their statures less than fumbled punts and missed open field tackles. impressive. They would do well to spend some If the stars are aligned, he may put together a time in the forward pack, to learn not to shy away worthwhile counterattack with the wings but from contact, and to embrace physicality. The this occurrence is far too infrequent to merit inside center carries the ball far too often due to discussion. The fullback’s status as a rugby player his proximity to the fly half and his inability to pass is questionable as he spends the majority of the the ball further down the back line. To their credit, game spectating from afar. In fact, this personality they have an amazing knack for taking the ball into continues off the field at post game functions, he is contact in such a way that it is impossible to win it often seen drinking by himself in the corner.

Mike Gilbert - NZRFU Registered Referee

refereed the new scrum engagement for the first time in September and must say at the lower level of the game it works well and does improve player welfare and safety. It makes you wonder why therefore that in “” the teams are having so much difficulty with it. Certainly there is less impact in “The Hit” than before which is the main idea to improve scrum stability but there still appears to be a problem with props binding properly and also coming in on the angle. There is also the same frustrating delay before the halfback puts the ball into the scrum. I think the Bangers props better take notice. Bind high, keep straight and don’t push until the ball hits the ground in the scrum. If you do all that then things will be safer and the ball will be in play longer. Also I am sure there would be a lot less complaints if there were more props and hookers refereeing rugby but if were to use the american interpretation of the guy that plays in the middle of the front row then we could find plentiful supply of refs in Soi Nana. It would probably encourage a few more to turn out and watch your games. Now there’s a thought!!!

Banger Banter July - September 2013 38 “You Will Always be A Banger”

game should descend into little more than an open brawl Freethy issued three general warnings within the first few minutes of the start. Finally, with just seven minutes on the clock, he ordered the All Black forward Cyril Brownlie from the pitch. It was testament to the All Blacks skill and determination, that despite the disadvantage that this left them with for the majority of the match, they still managed to dig deep and win the contest by 17 -11 Here the matter should have rested, but it did not. Within hours of the match, Freethy would feel anuary 3rd 1925 Twickenham. In a highly it necessary to issue a statement justifying his anticipated match England were to face the decision : touring All Blacks on a sunny if blustery “In some loose play the ball had been sent away and afternoon. Some sixty thousand spectators had two or three England forwards were lying on the crammed into Twickenham stadium for what was ground. C. Brownlie was a few feet away from them, hoped to be the showpiece of the New Zealand and as he came back he deliberately kicked on the tour. leg an England forward lying face downward on the There was much to play for. The only time that ground. I had taken my eye off the ball for a moment, the two sides had met previously in 1905 the All and therefore saw exactly what happened. Previous Blacks had been easy victors by fifteen points to to this I had warned each side generally three times, nil. Recently England had been on a run of good and therefore I had no option but to send Brownlie form, having been unbeaten for the previous two off the field. I much regretted having to do this, but in seasons and achieving back to back ‘grand slams’, a the circumstances I had no alternative but to take this rare achievement in itself. drastic action. ” For the All Blacks there was also much to be gained Freethy was at this time a highly respected Welsh by victory. Vilified as an almost embarrassingly referee. He had refereed the Olympic Final in weak squad before they left New Zealand they 1924 and also officiated over every France versus were so far unbeaten in twenty seven games and England match played in Paris between the wars. had already bested Ireland and Wales . It was a The battle lines were swiftly drawn in the press record that they would guard jealously at this late in New Zealand and England. Claim and counter stage of their tour. claim abounded. If nothing else Freethy’s decision The Twickenham atmosphere was charged. did seem to have the desired effect as the game The crown was electrified with the players, and settled into something more akin to rugby than a particularly the opposing packs, hyped up almost bar room brawl. to a frenzy. New Zealand would go on to remain unbeaten The referee Albert Freethy was going to have his and claim the title of ‘The Invincibles’, a genuinely hands. historic feat, albeit one that will always be tinged From the kick off the two sets of forwards showed by the fact that a member of their party was also that no quarter could be expected in this game, the first to be sent off in an international field of their play being robust to say the least. Lest the play.

39 July - September 2013 Banger Banter “You Will Always be A Banger”

Tom Kerr - Banger Coach 2006 -9

You see, the name of the stadium is so far removed from the game that you may as well have called it Dog Shit Park (actually I did play on a pitch in Moscow knick named that). AVIVA sounds like an affliction or Spanish Tapas or an incantation from a latin mass. Whatever happened to the revered Lansdowne Road. Everybody knew it was a rugby ground. Maybe it was named AVIVA to make it easier for soccer types, where the national team also play, as it is spelt the same backwards. So many great rugby grounds around the world are now named after airlines or insurance companies and I think a bit of magic has been lost. SUNCORP (Brisbane – actually the site of an old cemetery where lots of Irish ‘convicts’ were buried), WESTPAC (Wellington), ETIHAD ILKIM TO ELLIS PAEK” were the dulcet (Melbourne), DICK’S SPORTING GOODS PARK South African tones that announced the (Denver USA, yes it’s true), TOYOTA ( Tokyo.). live coverage of this year’s Rugby Championship I still love the names Twickenham (England), decider in Johannesburg. If I knew nothing else Murrayfield (Scotland) and especially Brewery about rugby the name of the ground was a Field (Bridgend, Wales). Even the French maintain giveaway ………. Ellis Park named after the man great dignity in preserving the famous names of who is famed for inventing the game. rugby individuals in their stadia (note the plural It was a cracker of a game with the Kiwis justifiably form) Stade Pierre-Antoine (Castres) or this classic winning despite being down to fourteen men for Stade Ernest-Wallon (Toulouse). a quarter of the game. Anyway I am not interested Will there ever be a Stade Jeff Klentz.? The in the result as we (Ireland) will be playing the Bangers hallowed ground is Patana and we are Kiwis in Dublin next month and will put an end to proud of that. Now, having said all this, we must their fancy footwork. I mean our River dance will face it that a time, or huge sponsorship, might knock spots off their Haka. come when we have to accept a name change to We will play them in the AVIVA Stadium. The survive. commentator’s opening remarks will be “Ah sure While we might love to have Rawhide Stadium yis are all welcome to de Aviva Stadium’ and he or Long Gun Athletic Ground, what about MILEY will have to continue to explain that we will be CYRUS PITCH. I know she is a pretentious slut but watching the national team play rugby. her new album is called - BANGERZ

Banger Banter July - September 2013 40 “You Will Always be A Banger”

Stewart Gorman - London. Bangers 2007-10

ope you all had an enjoyable summer and managed to get in a well earned break. I spent a lot of time on planes travelling to Bangkok, Brisbane, Melbourne, Sydney, Bangkok, London, Shanghai, Bangkok and Shanghai. Many will guess that the Australian leg was following the Lions in Australia. I was fortunate enough to go to all the Tests. Suncorp in Brisbane was the best stadium for atmosphere, Melbourne’s Etihad Stadium was probably the best for location pre-match and after match festivities while Sydney will stay in the memory for the way the Lions won the series but the Olympic Stadium is a bit isolated. Australia were great hosts and thoroughly enjoyed the three weeks there. What did surprise me a little, were the number of Lions supporters who wore

their nations colours to matches and how blinkered they were. It From my time with the club, I am was a minority but a significant minority. not sure we would have been The Welsh treat rugby like the English treat football i.e winning is able to cover tackles I saw made everything and little recognition of how well the opposition play. At in abundance last Sunday. the 1st Test Match when Australia was awarded a penalty in the last Also impressed, to see, that minute to win the game the Welsh guy sitting next to me got up and despite playing a higher level of left before the kick was taken saying “I can’t take this”. rugby, after match social activity Then at the final Test. I sat next to another Welshman and he could remain a key cornerstone of the not watch any penalty that Halfpenny took waiting for the reaction club. of the crowd to tell him whether it was successful or not. He did not I enjoyed the training run at NIST know any of the Lions players who were not Welsh asking me who’ and a wet at the Australia Bar on the loose head prop, who is the number four etc. Wednesday. The Irish clearly took it as an affront to their rugby that O’Driscoll I thank Roberto and the guys for was dropped from the squad for the final game and when Gaitland’s encouraging me to down a pint name was given out as the teams were announced in Sydney there but allowing me to do so in two was a lot of booing from sections of the Lions support. stages.!!! The Lions Tour offered an opportunity to catch up with the Bangers Well chaps that’s all for now and It was good to see Jeremy, Jeff, Mike, Foxy, Tates, Rod and Hamish at look forward to catching up various stages of the trip. After tour, it was back in London for two with you all in February for the weeks, before starting a new job in Shanghai. Whilst I’ve not made Bangkok International Tens. my mind up about Shanghai, the great advantage for me is that I will I am available for the Ancients able to visit Bangkok on a more regular basis. or the Old Boys if numbers are I was able to see the Bangers play against Virijadudh Alumni on needed. Sunday and was impressed by the way the side has developed.

41 July - September 2013 Banger Banter “You Will Always be A Banger”

Andrew Hjelmeland. Banger 2007-8. Mainland China

Finally, I went to my true love and flicked to a sports channel. There was no rugby, ice or any old Bangkok Banger games on ESPN, so I settled for some good ole . No one ever cries during a football game, right? Guess what? It was halftime and they were retiring one of the player’s jerseys and as they were raising his jersey to the rafters, he was thanking his momma, his family, friends and the fans when ast quarter I was ranting about the increase of Mainland suddenly he couldn’t continue Metrosexuals invading my mainland with their matching due the emotional strain and the scarfs, phones, Ipad covers, designer socks and eye glasses, tears started gushing forth! and of course their man bags!!! This quarter, I have found something else to rant about in this piece! Despite numerous attempts to maintain his composure, he I was surfing satellite television the other day post workout trying eventually had to be helped off to find something to relax too. Having over 180 channels to choose the podium by more emotional from you would think you could find something that would allow teary eyed players and friends. a person to just crash on the couch and veg out. Immediately, I What the hell is the world noticed an upsetting trend. Why the hell is everyone crying? Even coming too? more alarming, why are all the men crying? What happened the sage wise I flipped and saw the movie, “Ted” which is a funny movie. In one words from my parents growing particular moment/scene Mark Walberg’s character and his lifelong up as a child, “What the hell are Teddy Bear were crying, hugging and expressing their love for each you crying about?” or “Crybabies other. don’t get dessert!!!” or my After shaking my head and rolling my eyes, I then thought I will be father’s favorite, “I’ll give you safe and flicked the channel to watch the Food Network. something to cry about if you To my amazement, I saw a male cooking contestant breaking down keep it up!” in front of the judges telling them about his passion for cooking and What happened to the “REAL” how his entire fiber was interconnected to food. men of yesteryear? I thought it couldn’t get any worse until one of the male judges came The Marlboro Man never cried around the judges table, also crying and upset for the emotional when cooking beans and candidate and gave him a hug and words of encouragement. What bacon around the campfire? He the hell was I watching, the Rainbow Alternative Food Network?

Banger Banter July - September 2013 42 “You Will Always be A Banger”

certainly didn’t apologize if his culinary creations didn’t have the right amount of spices and herbs expressing his big weepy eyes when he broke down in front of all the other hired hands! Did John Wayne break down in a heap of tears when the bad guys frustrated him ? NO! He shot them dead, had a shot of Whisky, and then grabbed a girl and when upstairs!!! You have heard simply unacceptable by the standards I was raised of Gangnam by. style. I remem- Perhaps I am from a different generation and can- ber watching not understand where all these emotions come Soi Dog on tour from let alone the inability to contain said emo- performing his tions. Soi Dog Style (I believe that was Male emotional tears are bad enough in private but when he was when you flick through the television channels and dressed as an forty percent of the shows you see are of grown old ex-con just men crying for some reason or another you have to after he stole the question what happened to the “REAL” men! teams trophy) Men who ride across desserts and have a bottle except you will of Whisky to dry their parched and sunburnt lips! need to replace Men who have bar fights, play rugby, , or John Wayne’s simply. . don’t cry at the drop of a hat!!! bullet with a Dirty Harry and all of John Viagra pill and Wayne movies are all ex- you get the idea!!! Inspiring to say the least and no amples of movie that pay tears of any kind! tribute to REAL men . . . I understand that when a parent, child, relative or not movies like Pricilla the close friend dies it is natural and deemed healthy Dessert Queen or Broke to bereave and cry. I have no issue with that kind of Back Mountain!!! grief. Do you think Clint East- Tears of laughter are also natural like watching wood or Robert Mitchum another Bangkok legend, Trevor “Bobby Baby One after killing all the bank Bicep” Day drop the ball a half meter before cross- robbers ever went to get ing the try line with no one around him!!! facials, pedicures, sipping That is an example of tears of joy and happiness, pineapple smoothies so which the entire Bangkok Bangers present at that they could talk about tour all shared and still do to this day!!! One of my their feelings shedding favorite Banger moments by the way! tears about how horrible they feel? To cry as a man because you’re Chocolate cream Our society is doomed if we continue to accept this puff didn’t rise correctly or your love and passion kind of behavior so the next time you see a cryba- for food is so overwhelming you cannot contain by make sure you set them straight and if you are a yourself to the point you have to break down and crybaby . . .then stop it and grow a pair! cry in public on television is not only wrong but Frosty reporting from the land of littles!!!

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43 July - September 2013 Banger Banter “You Will Always be A Banger”

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Banger Banter July - September 2013 44 “You Will Always be A Banger”

Where were you born ? Hong Kong What do you do for a living ? AGM Ben Line Agencies, a shipping agency. Name of your first rugby club ? Hong Kong Football Club Your nickname growing up ? Just Chris! Most enjoyable holiday location? What your nick name now ? Rome See above. Person(s) you would most like to meet? Highest level of rugby you played ? Tom Waits 2nd grade Easts Tigers Brisbane. 1st Grade South Darwin Hobbies? Rabbitohs. Rugby, , golf, hockey, scuba diving. Where do you call home ? Biggest influence on career? Bangkok! I moved around a lot throughout my life, My dad – always gives me good advice. Five words that describe you... Best career advice you were given? Never send email without checking the recipients. Don’t take yourself too seriously. Other sports that you played? What is a phrase you use often...? Many Cricket, hockey golf are the most notable. Refuse to answer any questions before speaking to my Best rugby memory? lawyer. Winning first grade championship with South Darwin Are you superstitious? Rabbitohs. Drinking before playing rugby can bring bad luck. Rugby player you admire most? What is the most surprising thing that has ever to happen John Eales, Tim Horan, Zinzan Brooke, Gavin Hastings to you? Rugby team you like to watch? Moving to Bangkok came out of the blue. Queensland Reds. What is a common misperception people have of you? Sporting event you would most like to attend? That I know what I am talking about. Monaco GP. What is your ideal night out ? Three people you would invite to dinner? Good food, beer, friends, conversation and music. Hunter S. Thompson, Keith Moon, John Belushi. In a nutshell, what is philosophy of life ?. QUICK FIRE : Try not to be a dick. Comedy or action ? Comedy After a busy day what would be the perfect way to relax ? Books or films? Films A cold Chang on the balcony, watching the world go by. Wine or spirits? Spirits What motivates you to be focused and driven? Fast food or health eating? Healthy The opportunities I have had, and I think “don’t fuck up!” Night in or night out? Night out Indian, Italian, Burger King or street food? Street food What’s your favourite food? Smashing Pumpkins or Green Day ? Pumpkins Som Tum Heineken, Tiger, Singha or Chang ? Chang What is your greatest talent or party trick ? Blonde or Brunette? Brunette Ask my wife. FIRST THING THAT COMES TO MIND : Book you are currently reading or have just finished ? Best airline? Emirates Reading Lolita by Vladimir Nabokov Politics? No thanks Favorite TV program? Religion? Not for me Love a good documentary. Sex? Yes please Reality TV? Prefer to gouge my eyes out with a spoon Favorite film? Red Shirts? Go well with jeans The Blues Brothers Soccer? Bores me

45 July - September 2013 Banger Banter “You Will Always be A Banger”

ugby is a game that requires immense fitness. A rugby player is only as good as the team he plays on, so fitness is critical for the entire team to perform well on the pitch. You know that no one stands still on the rugby field for long. It’s quite common for all players on a team to have run at least five to ten miles in a game up and down the pitch at varying speeds. The only way to do this consistently is by building your fitness with a good training schedule. Here is a training schedule to prepare you. Notice Sunday is left out. Because there is generally a game and if there is no game there is club training at Patana International School. So off the couch and lets go.

Banger Banter July - September 2013 46 “You Will Always be A Banger”

Old Bangkok Banger Rugby Therapist

That depends on who you want to tell. If it’s your wife, there’s no need as she clearly knows already. If it’s your neighbor, I’d tread carefully because there’s no telling how she will react. If she already knows she might resent your intrusion, and attack you with a kitchen appliance. And if she doesn’t know the shock might make her go off Nantida on one and attack you with a kitchen appliance. Either I’ve been going out with this farang guy I met at a rugby way you could end up with an electric carving knife party at Tenderloins for nearly a year. Before we went in your head. Perhaps it would be safer to send her a out I didn’t know he was married with two kids. He told friendly text message from a safe distance, like China for me a couple of weeks ago. I was devastated, but he said example. he and the relationship with his wife was almost over. All he could do was find love outside. What do I do? Nantida Unsure I’ve always admired your column. Your wit, insight and total lack of regard for the consequences of your advice This is your decision. But remember he told you he was is an inspiration to a young reader like myself. My married only after you became lovers. And he carries question is how do I follow in your footsteps? I’d love baggage you’ll have to share if he ever does divorce the to do something like this column, dispensing advice to wife whose side of the story you haven’t heard. Maybe those in need. he’s a great guy in a bad marriage. Or maybe he just likes Think I Can playing at home and away. Proceed with caution. You can have my job if you really want it. Answering Nantida mail for a rugby club is not an easy ask. If you really I am a 25 year old Thai women and my new French want to become an agony aunt, just remember the most husband is 50. It’s a second marriage for both of us. His important rule. Never allow yourself to be held legally family and friends are jealous that he’s with a younger accountable for the actions of those operating under woman and discuss his ex girlfriends in front of me. My your advice. I almost got in trouble once when I advised husband says they’re just teasing, but it hurts because I a lady to come clean about her affair with a Bangers love him. rugby player. I will not say his name but let’s just say his Frustrated Girl name begins with “M” Handle it the hard way. Stay cool. Thais are good at this Nantida especially women. Don’t give them the fight they want. My Thai wife spends our money faster than I can earn it. If you fight, it will go on forever. Smile over gritted teeth How can I put the brakes on this without upsetting her? when they talk about his exes make jokes if you can. No More Baht Laughter is the tonic. Never complain to your husband as any trouble between you two will be taken as proof You must create a diversion. To break your wife of her they’ve won. It’s a test you can pass if you’re patient. spending habits, give her a book featuring Claude Good luck Monet’s paintings of water lilies. Build a lily pond where she can spend hours contemplating lilies instead of Nantida running around spending money. You could, give her a I recently saw my neighbor’s husband sneaking around book about Albert Einstein. Then create a “crop circle” on with my pretty Thai wife. Do you think I should have a your lawn reading E=MC2. She will spend weeks or even discussion with her? months trying to figure it out. These techniques are not Sherlock foolproof.

47 July - September 2013 Banger Banter