CONTENT4th Quarter : October - December 2008

THE BIG CHAIR 12 TEE TIME 4 Words of wisdom from the Chairman Report on the recent Banger Golf Tournament from \ Graham Fox

BANGER NEWS A GRUMPY BANGER 5 Overview of Banger activity during the last 19 Spam and how its spoils the day quarter 6 THE mOTS Du cAPTAINE 22 GEOFF THE CHIEF Message from our energetic club captain How to build and cook a Haggis Jean Francois Klentzi

7 BURGESS 23 WHAT THE PAPERS SAY Words of wisdom from the finest coaches in Its still a players game. Captured from Thailand the english papers

13 14 21

9 BANGER YouTH RUGBY DeveLOPMENT Andy Campbell’s tongue in cheek review of his crusade to promote youth rugby in the provinces. Magic stuff

 - BANGER BANTER OCT - DEC 2008 BANGER NEWS

ONLY NINETY SHOPPING DAYS TO CHRISTMAS his quarter is busy are busy. Training has moved back to Patana after a stanza at the riverside Shewsbury International School Tground. Pete and Jeff seems happy with the numbers at training each weekend and with the number of new players that turn up for a run each Sunday. The annual Banger Golf Tournament was a great day. It did not look to good at 5.00am with torrential rain threatening to destroy the event. However, the Bangers are a resilent lot and after the usual early morn- ing Bloody Marys, they made their way to the Bangkok Golf Club. The day went down hill from there. Andy Campbell has been very busy with his rugby coaching clinics in the provinces. Great turnouts at all venues. Already a number of schools lining up to get involved, This is an amazing achievement and unprecedented in Thai youth rugby development. The Banger have a “new” newsletter. Jeff roles out his weekly new- sheet to Banger members each Monday. A good read. Another great rugby dinner a couple of weeks ago. A brace of Welsh rugby legends entertained punters with stories from the Welsh glory years. The Bangers played matches against Rangsit University, The South- erners and the Mossman RFC from Sydney. The Southerners match was special, with the Colts playing a brand of rugby that blew the op- position off the park. Tom Watters the evergreen Banger is currently planning his “Testicle- monial” match. It has now been delayed till January. The Bangkok Sevens are on in November with the Colts and Silver- tails entered in this long standing tournament. A 10 kilometer fun run is planned in November at the Ancient City. Another Bangers family BBQ in December and then one of the highlights of year, the Banger Christmas Party at Tenderloins. The calendar is full. A special thanks to all the scribes that sent copy each quarter for the Banter during the year. Without you the newsletter would is not be possible. As usual, if you have anything you wish to add to the Banter, please send your offerings to [email protected].

EDITORIAL Andrew McDowell, Tom Walters, Doug Ozanne, Brian PHOTOGRAPHY: Johnn Jean “Jeff “Francois Klentzi, Peter Sinclair Thompson, David Smith, Jaspers, Robert Brewer, Andrew Burgess, Andy Campbell, Rick Mike Laloli McDowell O’Shea, Andrew Tatam, Geoff CONTRIBUTORS Paul Hollings, WEBMASTER: Jason Manning McKenna Tom Kerr

The Banger Banter is published quarterly for the Old Bangkok Bangers Rugby Club, for distribution to members, sponsors and friends of the club through the club web site. Club members contribute both editorial and photography. The layout and design is provided by Ruck Graphics - a member of the Old Bangkok Bangers Rugby Club Old Bangkok Bangers Rugby Club Are Proudly Sponsored By

 - BANGER BANTER OCT - DEC 2008 THE BIG CHAIR

WE ARE NOW INTO THE LAST QUARTER OF 2008

nd half way through the Bangers year and with a number of successes already. The most recent of which Awas winning the Soi 33 Cup back from the Southerners, two weeks ago. Last weekend we played Mossman from Sydney and although we lost by 10 points it was a good game. Since the last Ban- ter we have participated in the Pattaya & the Phuket 10’s and coming up soon are the Bangkok International 7’s and the Tour to Ankor Wat. The committee is doing it’s best to arrange as many games and social events and this year is looking good so far. Before Xmas we will have the usual Carol Karaoke and in January Hamish’s 60th Testiclemoanial Game and family BBQ. This year the involvement of the Bangers in Youth Rugby De- velopment has taken off, thanks to the efforts of Andy Camp- bell. I have personally attended the clinics in Prae and just last weekend in Loei. There were others Udon Thani in Surat Thani, both well attended and supported by Bangers. These weekends are enjoyable but more importantly the Thai children learn new skills and the improvement in their playing ability from one day to the next. is very clear to see. Typically 130 - 250 children turn up and come from a number of prov- inces surrounding the chosen location. If you have time please join in and support this very worthy activity. Lastly, the Old Bangkok Bangers is in the process of join- ing the Thai Rugby Union. We should be a member in a few months. Don’t forget if you have any suggestions for the running of the club, please let me or any of the committee members know. Go the Bangers!

A McDowell Andrew McDowell Chairman

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 - BANGER BANTER OCT - DEC 2008 BANGER NEWS

BANGERS HIT GOLF COURSE a great afternoon. The Bangers Annual Golf Tournament 2008 was again a COLTS THUMP THE SOUTHERNERS great success. The two silvertail Bangers Foxy and Jake, The Banger performance of the year. The Colts tore the past masters at organising sports events, ensured the day Southerners apart in a rugged encounter in the Soi 33 ran smoothly. There were no winners. A day of camara- Challenge Cup. The forwards were all over the opposi- derie, frivolity and bonhomie. The buses of well lubri- tion grinding them into the ground and the backs took cated players arrived back at Wall Street in time for the every ground making opportunity given to them. Great Wallaby - Springbok match. tries scored by forwards and backs. Final score Banger EVANS MET HENRY 38 Southerners 5. Justice done, after so many close en- Its just come to light, that earlier this year, our club Cana- counters with our Soi 33 neighbours dian international Eddie Evans, attended the BC Rugby MOSSMAN BRING COLTS DOWN TO SIZE Coaching Clinic and Professional Development Course After the recent thrilling win against the Southerners, in Vancouver, Canada. Eddie was amongst a retinue of the Bangers were taken down a notch by the north shore past and current greats of Canada’s national program Sydney club. Mossman RFC. Mossman were very invited to attend. Graham Henry, the All Black was the strong defensively and blunted the Banger attack all guest coach for the event. In the social events that fol- afternoon. The Sydneysiders secured victory, with well lowed the days activity, Eddie met Henry over a beer or worked tries from loose play. The Colts did not give up two and offered him advice - free of charge naturally. and twice drove the ball, inches from the Mossman try YOUTH RUGBY CLINICS A SUCCESS STORY line. Final score. Mossman 10 Colts 0 Andy Campbell’s rugby training clinics in Udon Thani, TRI NATIONS ATTRACTS BKK PUNTERS Phrae and Surat Thani have been a real Banger success The Tri Nations match in Hong Kong has attracted in- story in Thailand. A credit to Andy and the team of Bang- terest amongst members. A number have bought tour er volunteers who assist by giving up their weekends to packages or secured tickets through sources in Bangkok. help run the proceedings. The next clinic is in Loei with Should be memorable excursion to one of Asia’s great Graham Spence coming on board to help the club. Andy cities. also gives his time coaching Rangsit University. SAIGON DIRTY GECKOS TO PLAY VETS CLUB CIRCULATES ANOTHER BROADSHEET The Saigon Dirty Geckos will be in Bangkok next month “Jeff” the resourceful club captain of many talents, has to take on the Old Boys at Patana School. The coach and started a new mini newsletter. A great read and fill of in- Colts Captain has recommended it would be good idea teresting club information. The Bangers must be the most if a silvertails got “their arse into gear” and turn up for informed rugby club on the planet with two newsletters training to prepare for the game. and top notch web site YET ANOTHER RUGBY DINNER RANGSIT UNI TACKLED BANGERS The recent rugby dinner at the J W Marriot, was a great The score was irrelevant. The recent run around with the night to wallow in nostalgia. The welsh stars from yes- Rangsit rugby lads exposed gaps in the Banger game. ter year Steve Fenwick,, Mike Watkins and Gareth Davis The young Thais played their hearts out and on a number entertained the punter with stories from the great days occasions brought their bigger opponents to grounding of Welsh rugby. Superb food, acceptable wine and good halt. At end of the day size and experience did matter company put a gloss on a fun evening. All profits from with the Bangers won unconvincingly. A useful hit out the night went to Father Jo for his underprivileged Thai before the match against the Southerners. The post game children foundation in Klong Toey celebrations with the students at the Red & White ended

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 - BANGER BANTER OCT - DEC 2008 THE MOTS du CAPTIANE

ca y est les vacances sont finies

h oui, depuis un moi déjà nous nous retrouvons de nouveau tous les dimanches a Patana, pour se dé- fouler et boire quelques bières bien méritées. ELa trêve de 2 mois due aux vacances scolaire a toutefois permis a certains (dont moi même) de pratiquer du Touch rugby un plus sérieusement que d’habitude avec la section “Touch” des Southerners et surtout de faire la con- naissance d’autres joueurs, amoureux du rugby et de fêtes, qui n’ont pas tarde a nous rejoindre. Pendant ce temps, d’autres Bangers passaient leur vacances a travers le monde, en Mongolie, au Viêt-Nam, en Espagne, en France et en Ecosse (ou même le fait d’être ne avec le Kilt ne vous fait pas oublie la Thaïlande, n’est pas Bob ?) A noter aussi que pendant cette période, la Newsletter des Bang- ers allait aussi voir le jour et permettre ainsi a tout le monde de savoir ce qui se passe au sein du club. Nous avons donc repris avec sérieux, les séances de physique et de rugby imposées par Pete, afin de nous préparer au mieux a ce qui allaient devenir probablement le match de l’année. En effet, nos amis, les Southerners nous proposaient de remettre en jeu le trophée Soi 33, qu’ils détenaient depuis l’année dernière et surtout de prendre notre revanche de la demi-finale perdue lors du Pataya 10’s. Une course contre la montre dans notre préparation était donc lancée et un match contre une jeune équipe universitaire allait être organiser afin de peaufiner les réglages et être prêt le jour J. Ce match ne restera pas dans les anales car le score importait peu, mais par contre la soirée qui s’en suivi restera certainement, un bon moment, grave dans la mémoire et aussi dans le foi des jeunes étudiants Le Jour J arriva enfin, et c’est avec une équipe quasiment au complète, composée d’une trentaine de joueurs, que nous allions relevé le défi. Le match a finalement été a sens unique, avec une possession de balle pour les Bangers de 80% et des southerners qui se sont vu imposés une séance de placage comme jamais ils en avaient eu auparavant. Le score allait être sans appel 37 a 5 pour les Old Boys... Je ne vais pas rentre dans les détails car cela va être écris ailleurs, mais par ce résultat on mesure tous les progrès effectués depuis maintenant quelques année et les Bangers peuvent maintenant se vanter d’être la meilleur équipe d’expat de Bangkok, voir de Thaïlande !!! Bravo et Merci a tous, Continuons a nous faire plaisir et ce des samedi prochain !!!!!

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 - BANGER BANTER OCT - DEC 2008 Bangers are back

he summer proved to be a mixed affair, with the mighty Bangers showing off their touch footy skills combining for matches with the The Southern- Ters Touch Rugby unit. The first few touch games often frustrated the “highly strung” Bangers outfit; the whole concept of “touch” i.e. no physical contact, was a complete loss to many seasoned Bangers campaigners. Especially the idea of not being able to slam Trevor “the hands” Day into the turf! But all-in-all a good result in the latter stages the numbers reached 25-30 players (men & women) enough for 2 full games. The refereeing as always left a lot to be desired but by the end of summer the touch footy rules were understood but in many cases ignored! While there was no “Red & White” restaurant to accommodate the re-hydra- tion process we did manage to indulge in a few quiet “tinnies” at the field, while no formal count was kept we did manage to break 100 cans one fine evening. From a coaching perspective it gave me a chance to evaluate the fitness of the “youngsters”. Some stand out performances by Kev has given him the heads up, for a start with the old boys, watch out Foxy. Now the real stuff has begun, the new season back at Pattana has seen good turn outs, this will enable us to have better structured trainings & focus on some of the more techni- cal aspects of forward & back play i.e. a lot more time hurting your team mates. Our first two outings have been worthy of a mention: Rangsit Uni came & went; for a good portion of the game these guys reminded us that no one should be taken too lightly. A slow start & players out of posi- tion didn’t help but we got through the game with plenty to think about. The Southerners game was always going to be a cracker; our usual slow start saw us on the back foot but we stuck to our game plan & came a way with a good win. To be fair we never gave up & neither did they, both sides should be proud of their commitment.

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 - BANGER BANTER OCT - DEC 2008 COLT CAPPIE Bright Future For the Bangers

he post summer season is well and truly upon us and after a brief summer spell at Shrewsbury for some touch and fitness the Bangers are back at the Patana Fields whereT the wide open spaces both scare and exhilarate our multi sized club. The disap- pointment of not getting into the TRU this year has been tempered by a positive and full calendar that provides plenty of carrots to keep the club ticking healthily. This years tournaments beware as the Bangers are here and they are here to enjoy them- selves and win some rugby along the way New recruits have joined and have all proven their worth as true drinking Bangers who are keen to have a run about with the golden egg. We probably need to re- mind some of our newer members about rule 4 though, especially our baldy leader! Recent weeks have seen a first game against Rangsit University which was great for building our local ties and supporting Thai Rugby development. Espe- cially with the 20,000 Baht Bar Bill at the Red and White! The Southerners came next in the Soi 33 Cup and were dispatched with aplomb in a 37 - 5 victory that will do us no end of good when we meet again in various tournaments during the year. This game in particular showed that we are developing a very positive style of play with the forwards continuing to batter and the backs happy to run when the time is ripe and defences are broken. The social side is as strong as ever and new members continue to be welcomed and respond by joining our special family as if they had been here for ages. If you know someone who might fancy a run bring them along to watch or play especially if they happen to be 2nd row shaped! The Dirty Geckos make their first trip as an old boy team on October 18th and have 22 touring so far so no excuses, get your over 35 arses into gear and come training before they land.

DID YOU KNOW THIS

fter long years of research, and one too around the average of 250lbs. So what we did was many beers, researches have finally have collected a full rugby team and then collected NFL answeredA the question. Which sport hits harder players of the same size for an equal number. Then Rugby or American Football. The answer is mixed we had them go at each other with sensors to check but comes as this, more damage is done to a for amount of force. This whole process took us years rugby player per hit, but American Football reigns to perfect. We also found out that NFL players are a supreme on the amount of force at impact. little on the meaner side of things. While rugby is a The findings are being supported by the rest of brutal sport with their average force being equilavent the known scientific world. A spokesman for the to running headlong into a brick wall at full speed. research group said “We had problems right from American football took the cake when the amount of the get go, with this study. Even out of the pads force was equilavent to being in a head on collision at the average size for an NFL athelte is well over 35 mph,” stated the labs scientist. 6’5” and weighs close to 350lbs. While the aver- So for balls Rugby players get the nod of champions. age size for a Professional rugby player is a much For pure power American Football reigns supreme. more realistic person of 6’0” and weighs only

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 - BANGER BANTER OCT - DEC 2008 YOUTH RUGBY DEVELOPMENT 18 months ago Andy Campbell arrived in Thailand

o work with Tesco. He has a passion for rugby having played representative rugby for England and been part of the highly successful Gosforth the John Player Cup winning side in the late 1970’s. TBefore coming to Thailand he coached at the Leicester Academy working with many of England’s recent young players. It was only a matter of weeks before Tom had him out on the paddock playing with the Veterans. As soon as his premiership coaching experiences was exposed, he was invited to help coach the Bangkok Lions and then a school team up country. So, having only been in Thailand a few weeks, and with no Thai language skills other than the odd Wai and a Sawadee Khap he set off with his driver Khun Gong, 3 balls and a tackle bag...... Read On

his season the Old Bangkok out for the local agricultural and gum shields or head gear and Bangers committee and horticultural college to teach I was with a bunch of lads and Tmembership have agreed to get what we were told would be 50 lasses who did not even have behind me in developing rugby kids the basics of playing rugby. boots. in the Kingdom. So I have taken Now an agricultural college I So Saturday was spent teaching on the role youth development thought would have its students the basics in 40 degree heat and at the Bangers and promised develop a well maintained grass rain storms! But the kids stuck at the Banger Banter I will write pitch. But oh no! It was a mead- it and impressed me no end with a column to report on what we ow! Long grass with big puddles their handling skills. With the have been doing and share some of mud and cow shit! teachers and Gongs invaluable of the experiences we have had Then the players arrived 85 Thai help to translate they pick up the along the way. So what have we girls from across the North East drills pretty quick. We moved been up to this season. plus the Lao national team. on to play some conditioned UDON THANI One coach who can speak a games and finished with some First trip this season was to little Thai, and one driver who tag rugby, allowing all Udon. Khun Gong my driver and can speak English but has ages and genders to I arrived early Friday evening af- never played or coached rugby play against each ter advice from Graham Spence. and only 12 balls and 4 tackle other. We sought out his mate Justine, shields. Sat night was the the owner of the Oz Bar and a I was sure the girls would hate Aust - France former golden gloves boxing the wet mud! But how wrong game back at the champion, I was. The girls wallowed in Oz bar We were warmly welcomed it. These girls were such quick with awaited by the local NZ and learners and have natural ball Aussie boys who agreed to help skills and no fear in the tackle. us out with the coaching over the They were a pleasure to coach coming two days. Justine treated and satisfying to see them de- us to night out on the Jack Dan- velop over just a couple of days. iels. Suffice to say that 5 bottles What was not such a pleasure of Jack Daniels and a 5.00AM was watching half these kids finish is not good prep for a full playing in bare feet, denim days coaching starting at 9am! shorts and shirts borrowed And yes, you guessed it, the sup- from their dads and brothers. port evaporated! Two years ago I would not have So with a few cold showers and let the young lads at my Leices- plenty of coffee, Gong and I set ter club take the field without Old Bangkok Bangers Rugby Club Are Proudly Sponsored By

 - BANGER BANTER OCT - DEC 2008 he ate himself) and 12 bottles of water. Meanwhile, John the respectable face of maturity de- cided to demonstrate to a group 14 yr old girls the essential tech- nique of falling and placing the ball in the tackle. Gently he fell – onto the ball and POP went the rib cage – what a muppet! Again a great bunch of kids and teachers who learnt quick and really enjoyed their day. So much so that three of the teams accepted invitations to come to Bangkok the following week ( 8 hours on public transport) to play in a girls tournament ar- ranged by the TRU. A special thanks to Steve Sow- beers bought by the apologetic just to help make up our retinue erby who sponsored the pur- Oz boys (“me wife made me of coaches. Without these guys chase of 30 pairs of new boots visit family” and “ I’ve have and their huge contributions I for the players. been on in the bog all day mate” would have struggled to make it So we made them buy the beer work. On the Saturday night we took all 175 kids and their teachers all night and feed the kids a free So after a late lunch we tore up dinner! for dinner at local restaurant and to Pitsanalouk for a great night introduced them to the social Sunday we focused on set out. As the saying goes what side of rugby. It started with the pieces for an hour then the 6 goes on tour stays on tour but Banger eight hard men challeng- schools and Lao team played just ask one of the boys to show ing the Thai teachers to a boat full on Tens rugby. It was you the pics of Heath’s stage race. We were confident this was bloody hard to ref in the heat show!! in the bag until the Chairman for 5 hours but worth the effort Up at dawn we left for Phrae picked up his beer. To say he is when you saw the rugby com- doing the last 150km in an amaz- slow is an understatement. We meraderie that had developed ing 1 hour and 15 mins through had time to eat dinner while he among the schools. the mountain roads – Lewis gulped like a stranded fish. We We finished with some presenta- Hamiliton has nothing on our had to face the humiliation of tions leaving each school with Chairman at the wheel – even if being beaten by novices. t shirts and balls and in return Carlos did have to get out and Next up we had the kids boat gave us produce from their beat the casing free from the racing with coke and sprite with farms. I was not sure what I was drive shaft after Andrew bent it Glen’s Aussie rugby league shirts going to do with a big bag of jumping a ditch in Phrae! as the prizes. Then it was on to mangos, 10 kilo of Chillies, a 175 kids (again 75% girls) the karaoke. Heath can dance but dozen coconuts and some very were waiting for us at a rented he sure can’t sing. While Carlos smelly fried fish! But I was con- pitch in the town. On with the can’t dance but he sure can sing fident Gong could find a home sun block and Heath went out performing a duet with a young for them. for the warm up – telling us lass from Ro-et So with a lot of Wais and photos he spends all day outside at After saying good night to last we departed having made yet school so no problem with the kids at 9.00 pm we all returned more friends and spread a bit heat. to our hotel for a quiet beer. I more of rugby’s good will Four hours later, after Carlos think everyone was in bed by PHRAE collapsed with sun stroke Heath 11pm. Next trip up was to Phrae. A concedes that 42 degrees is too We were all up at 8am. We start- huge thanks to the Chairman, hot for him and the 24 bottles of ed with set piece work followed Big Mac, Carlos, Alan and energy drinks have gone. by 5 hours of rugby. We shared Heath who together with Steve No problem up stepped the the ref duties among ourselves to Sowerby from the UK and John Chairman volunteering to go get avoid the heat, with Gong hav- Fisher from NZ who flew in on more returning 3 hours later with ing to run with each of us as the business trips a few days early an empty bucket of KFC (which translator. We also ran a mini

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10 - BANGER BANTER OCT - DEC 2008 So far we have had two sessions We try to do this on a Thursday so that any Banger helping out can get down to Wall Street by 7.30 for club night beers! At our second session, I was able to get Dave Adamson (you may recall he played with the Vets in Phuket) and his NZ Rugby Resources Co director James, to run a few AB drills. This was impressive given the session started at 8 pm and was conduct- ed under car headlights! Dave and James had a great time coaching the enthusiastic stu- dents ans we have all committed tournament which the kids loved. of lads and a single girls team. to do it again. After photos were taken, rug- They all worked hard and im- by balls jersies etc exchanged pressed us with their commit- with the schools, it was back to ment. At one stage during a pick Bangkok. Back in time for a a drive session, Nick and I felt night cap at the Clubroom and compelled to join the fun in the a entertaining visit to Demonia. mud and rain. Nick a former jun- ior AB was quick to admit how We all agreed it was a great surprised he was to find these weekend for the kids and their lads smashing into him so hard. teachers. Although, we were exhausted it was a great expe- The kids took the sessions seri- rience for all of us. ously and the proof came when Steve and John enjoyed it so we had the inter-school com- much they are now booking petition on the Sunday after- their future business trips to co- noon. What was more impres- incide with these rugby coach- sive was the spirit in which ing weekends. these games were played. There were some outstanding SURAT young players. Many of the Our early concerns that the kids arrived barely knowing PAD demo and state of emer- what rugby was, but all went gency might stop us travelling away rugby players. were soon dispelled. Pete B, Jase, M, Bob P, Heath I and the Saturday night, saw the Bangers two Fisher boys Nick and John do their stuff at the kids party, from NZ, boarded our flight to We won the coaches boat race Surat. this time - easy when you don’t have the chairman in the team On arrival we were met by my - We all had a good time, even trusted side kick Gong, who had if the local food was a little too driven down with all the kit and local. John had to skip Sundays K. Ann, a local coach, who not session preferring to stay near the drove us around all weekend hong nam. and also acted as a “tour guide” taking us to a club known as RANGSIT UNIVERSITY C2. In good Banger fashion, we We were asked to help Rangsit became a centre of attention. University team this season They Saturday arrived and with heavy are not poor kids but they don’t heads we set out to coach the 120 get any support or help from plus kids who turned up on day their college. Rugby is not “rec- one. And what a treat. 12 teams ognised” as a college sport!

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11 - BANGER BANTER OCT - DEC 2008 LE CAPITAINE MISSED THE BUS

off in the wrong direction to buy cheap beer at Tesco Lotus, about a mile down the road. He re- turned without spilling a drop. The golf was competitive, with all player completing the 18 holes. Heath Buggs only just made it though. He was thrown into a taxi and sent straight home after suffering heat exhaustion. Or was it that he consumed twice his body weight in beer during the round. The jury is still out on that one. Showered the players, officials and supporters adjourned at the his year’s OBB Annual given the Banger treatment! famous Par 3 restaurant ( a local Golf outing to Bangkok Le Capitaine and Laurens were equivalent of the Red & White) GolfT Club got off to a sensational tasked with manning the beer for food, beer and the prize start. All players were present buggies and delivering cold ale giving. The handicap seeding and counted at Wall St before the to heat exhausted players. In adopted prior to tournament was buses departed at 7 am. Le Capi- hindsight this was a mistake, commandeered by Soi Dog later taine missed the bus as he had given their philosophy of “one in the day, when it was discov- sustained severe cerebral dam- for players and one for me.” ered the Kiwi Mafia had inter- age the previous evening. Not The organizers were approached fered with it. He came up with a important as he was not playing, merely driving a beer buggy. by ‘Frog’ and ‘Brussel Sprout’ new system which ensured the before the first team had played 7 worst team The Sheep Shaggers, After the early morning Bloody Mary’s compliments of Wall St holes with news that the beer had were declared the winners. Eve- and beer in hand on departure, run out. This seemed unlikely so ryone knew the best team were the prospect of good golf was they were instructed to ‘bugger the Euro Grunts but this is Thai- indeed bleak. It proved to be the off’ and look again. More beer land and not all is as it seems. case Wigs, silly hats and “loud” was found however, it soon be- The main prize of a pair of Busi- outfits were in abundance as the came apparent that players were ness Class tickets to Singapore 32 Bangers lined up on the first the problem. They were hording (courtesy of Swissair/Holly- tee for a mandatory team photo beer in the event it did run out. It wood) for a very lucky shot with shoot. The subsequent first shots was also discovered the caddies a driver on a short par 3, went to matched the silly outfits. Each were hitting the beer harder than Rod Kerr. He probably doesn’t shot was greeted by a roar of first thought. remember!! approval or peals of laughter and appropriate comment. A glimpse More beer was ordered After of things to come. Even the Japa- a time trial to see which buggy nese in front of our group were was fastest, ‘Brussel Sprout set

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12 - BANGER BANTER OCT - DEC 2008 HEY YOU ARE SITTING IN MY SEAT

very Banger knows Douggie. Even if you have never ever seen him you will always hear him on a good night /day in Wall Street belt- Eing out popular hits from the 80’s and if the All Blacks are playing, the New Zealand anthem. He is diehard All Black supporter and wears his heart on his sleeve. Simply, he hates to see the All Blacks lose. Doug is a keen supporter of the Bangers and volunteers time and effort to promote and develop the club. Its time we get to know a little more about this man BANTER : Thought it was about time the Banter interview the number one ticket holder on the Wall of Knowledge. Firstly, cu- rious to know why you always sit in the same spot on the Wall by the door? DOUG : Scared of getting lost so always go to the same seat same spot same time. Let this serve as a warning to others. Don’t even think about it. BANTER : You have an interesting resume. Lets go back to the beginning Where did you play your rugby in your early years ? DOUG : Actually played more soccer than rugby days. They were called Ragnarock. Todd Hunter and I that’s why I’m such a good dancer…….. Mostly used to work together and decided it would be fun to played rugby with the indigenous people of start a group. When I left, they became famous. Auckland. Somehow I didn’t seem to fit in BANTER : Apparently you also played a couple of BANTER : And you then ended up playing for gigs with a overseas bands ? Waterfront in Auckland I believe? DOUG : Paul Revere and the Raiders asked me to DOUG : Yeah, played senior rugby league for guest spot with them. Plus a I had a few gigs with Waterfront scored a try on debut, then got carried the La De Da’. Had a lot of fun with Splitz Enz after off with a dislocated shoulder retired soon after. shows also. BANTER : Were you any good ? BANTER : Were the ducat tones formally trained or DOUG : Good Jesus I’m Doug what do you are you a natural ? think? Hey I’m not comfortable talking with DOUG : Nothing formal, just love to show off vegetables BANTER : Which brings us back to Bangkok. By the BANTER : Can you expand on that? way, what brought you here ? DOUG : The only expanding I’m into is the DOUG : The Australian Police waistline. I do however wish I was taller BANTER : Finally your beloved All Blacks seem to BANTER : I also understand you have played back on track. Its a long way off but do you believe with a number famous past All Blacks ? the AB’s can go all the way in the next World Cup DOUG : I’m not into name dropping lets leave it DOUG : You’re an idiot………… at that. Mind you I did visit the dressing room a BANTER : Touched a raw nerve here. Doug, Thanks a few times is that the same as playing with them. heap for your time. BANTER : After you retired from rugby, you went into rock music joining the band Dragon. Tell us a little about this ? DOUG : Well they were not the Dragon in those

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13 - BANGER BANTER OCT - DEC 2008 Welcome to the start of the 2008 9 season

’m pleased to say that the Bangers have got ‘I’ll bet you feel good,’ she continued. ‘In fact, I’ll off to a marvelous start with an emphatic win bet you’ve never felt this good againstI the Southerners in the 33 Cup. Well done before.’ ‘Well, I have,’ I cor- to all the players for putting such a good perform- rected her. ‘You see, when ance, despite having gone behind to an early try. I was 18, I was picked to This was the first game that many of the Bangers play for the school 1st XV had a chance to experience the ELV’s first hand. in the School Finals in The handful of Laws that were adopted on 1st front of a crowd of about August 08, effective for rugby at all levels, didn’t 3000 and I felt really cause too many issues that I detected. Although good.’ the Southerners did need to be reminded that the I immediately felt a bit referee isn’t required to count numbers in the line pathetic saying that and I out anymore, which is one chore I’m happy to see thought she would get up and the back of! The new off-side line at the scrum go, but she took my hand definitely helps to give the backs more attacking off her thigh and put options, even if it is to return the ball to the for- it up the front of wards to set up the pick and drive that the Bangers her top. Her so effectively used last weekend. nipple pushed On a more personal note, as always it was a into my palm pleasure to be on the pitch at the same time as my as she mas- son Tom and to referee a game in which everyone; saged my hand into her pert, perfect breast. ‘How do including Tom, did so many of the basic things you feel now,’ she purred. ‘OK’ I replied. Again, she right, which is a testament to the hard work put in said, ‘I’ll bet you do. In fact, I’ll bet you’ve never felt by the Coaches with our younger players and was THIS good before!’ so clearly evident in your win against the South- Unbelievably I heard myself saying ‘Well, actually I erners. have. In that game, we were down by six points with In closing this edition of ‘My Whistle’ this month, about 20 seconds left in the match. The opposition I’d just like to share a little story about the time kicked the ball deep into our half of the field, where when I was a player.…………… I caught it. I ran up field, side-stepping past the first The other day I was in the pub having a few quiet few defenders, palmed off a couple of would-be tack- beers by myself when the door opened and in lers, burst through a few forwards, chipped over their walked the most stunning woman I’ve ever laid fullback, re-gathered and scored a Try right under the eyes on. 5’9’ tall, stunning blue eyes, silky blonde posts with about 2 or 3 seconds ‘till full time. We hair, an hourglass figure barely covered by a tiny were still behind by one point, but I had a simple kick mini skirt and a flimsy cotton top.. at goal with which to win the match and...... ‘ After watching her walk in I turned back to my “ Ahhhrggg....” she growled between clenched teeth, beer. No sooner had I taken a sip when I turn to more than a bit miffed, pulled my hand from under see her pulling up another bar stool close to me her top and thrust it down the front of her skirt. and sitting down. She said ‘ Hi ‘ and I said ‘ Hi’ My fingers immediately met what felt like a wisp in return. She asked how I was and took my hand of soft cotton She snapped, ‘Well tell me this, smart and placed it on her perfect inner thigh, rubbing it arse: Have you ever felt such a %$#@’ up and down. ‘I certainly have’ I answer....’I missed the kick.’ ‘So, does that make you feel good ?’ she asked,

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14 - BANGER BANTER OCT - DEC 2008 PETRONAS

RETIRE? ME !

’ve been out of rugby circu- RETIRE. lation lately but a near career Of course I’m not going to retire (until at the Iending injury had put me out of earliest when Ireland wins the World Cup). But action (if that’s the word) for the there were dark times when I could not go training last 3 months. Pulling a tendon but spent nights at home with the missus watch- at my age is a bit like a pigeon ing romcoms and eating cardboard disguised as losing a wing – condemned for- Pringles. So I thought what about all those rugby ever to go around in circles. The veterans and what to do if there is no rugby in your thought of my rugby career being life? You could sell yourself on EBay just for over, just as it was getting started, together with the the fun of it. You could write an autobiography, early onset of the menopause, brought on one of even Laurence Dalaglio did. Become an amateur those senior moments when you decide whether to thespian. ‘Bangers – The Musical’ now there’s a give up on everything or just consign one’s life to thought. Lots of weird part-time jobs and hobbies aimless drunk- spring to mind. Snake milking, ostrich babysit- en debauchery ting, anal bleaching, sperm whale tracking, den- without the drochronology, nappy testing, T shirt slogan writ- justification, er, thong designer, hate mail ghost writer etc. etc. o visitors to the clubrooms however thinly Of course the best thing to do is take up something since the legendary Buck veiled, of be- closely related to rugby so you stay in touch (no NShelford. Good to hear he is still ing a rugby pun intended). In Ireland we have what we call fighting the cancer with regular man. In rugby ‘alickadoos’. Basically they’re bottom feed- treatment. other words ing wasters who just hang around doing nothing but drinking, leeching and social boomeranging in The Tri-Nations has just finished the Dooms- day Scenario rugby company. I believe they’re also known by and the mighty All Blacks coming of having to the abbreviation IRB. No thanks, retirement is not out on top. With the Tri-Nations for me yet. silverware comes the Bledisloe Cup and that’s the big one for the Kiwis and Aussi’s. BANGER Believe It or Not The focus now moves to the up coming grand slam tour for the All Blacks. The Wallabies play the All the oldest practising rugby player Blacks in Hong Kong so that’s a chance to see the guys in action. his was couple of years ago. A 90-year-old The Old Bangkok Bangers had a Japanese man has been recognized as the very successful golf day organized Tworld’s oldest practicing rugby player. Sadayoshi superbly by Foxy and Jake. First Morita, 90, has been playing the sport for most of prize went to the Kiwis – not again, his life. Morita was given the title by the Senior for some reason called the sheep World Rugby Championship. shaggers. He discovered rugby at the age of 19. It was then The programme heats up, with the still very new in Japan in 1934, and he joined his annual clash against the Southern- university’s rugby team. Morita played for his com- ers for the Soi 33 Cup. Also we have the annual Bangkok 7’s where pany’s rugby team after that and led them to three straight champion- we always welcome the Russians ships in Japan’s Industrial League from 1950 to 1952. plus local teams. We also host the At 39, he retired from the team, but couldn’t give up the game he Shanghai Shaggers that weekend. loved. So he joined a league for people over 40. At 80, he returned to On a sad note we lost Mal Moxon the rugby field even after falling out of a tree, which left him wheel- who had a triple bipass years ago chair-bound for three months. His secret? He says it’s just to keep fit but refused to lie down. Great man and eat a lot. Old Bangkok Bangers Rugby Club Are Proudly Sponsored By

15 - BANGER BANTER OCT - DEC 2008 A BIT OF HISTORY

efore the history lesson give a thought to the most absent minded All Black. Full back George Nepia in the 1950s was still taking part in charity matches. In one of them he scored a unique try. The ball cameB straight to him after a clearance, he saw a gap in the defence and went straight through to score under the posts. What made it unique was that he was the referee at the time “Sometimes their necks are broken, sometimes their backs, sometimes their legs some- times one part is thrust out of joint, sometime or another” While this might appear to describe a day in the life of a gladiator in ancient Rome it is a description of football, as chronicled in 1583! It was English public schools which developed rules in the 19th century but the problem was the game took various shapes. Charterhouse, then a monastery in London, de- veloped the art of dribbling because of the confined space. But in the vast playing fields of Eton the ball could be kicked high and long. At Rugby the boys caught and ran with the ball and developed what became a separate game but still called football as they all were. The problem arose when boys from different schools went to Oxford and Cambridge and started to play football to their own rules that all hell broke out. A comment from 1848 at a Cambridge match “the result was dire confusion as every man played the rules he had been accustomed to at public school. One Eton man howled at the Rugby man for handling the ball” As a result it became common to play half a match by one side’s rules, the second half by the others. That is how half-time came about. In 1863 in the Freemasons’ Tavern in London the first meeting was held to sort out the varying rules and the Football Association was formed. The sticking point was whether a player could pick up the ball and run with it. Blackheath wanted a player to be able to run with the ball while the opposition would be able to beat the living daylights out of him. The motion was defeated 13 to 4 so Blackheath withdrew from the Association. Soon after the laws of rugby were developed sepa- rately. The often quoted account of William Webb Ellis “picking up the ball and running with it” may well be the figment of someone’s imagination, but since they play for the William Webb Ellis Trophy in the Rugby World Cup that figment is a bit difficult o do away with now.

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16 - BANGER BANTER OCT - DEC 2008 eddie reports BANGKOK INTERNATIONAL RUGBY TENS THE JAM BOYS ARE BACK

aimon Land are back supporting the Bangkok Tens and once again are the Gold Sponsor. A big thanks to Nigel and Henri for their continued support of Rugby in the Kingdom! The defending champsR - Jam Boys - are back with Bobby Skinstad, Robbie Fleck and dual international Christian Stewart. The NZ Legends are returning bringing two teams this time, social and real social. A team spokesman was quoted as saying, “ there was such a keen interest in this awesome tournament that we just had too many boys wanting to come along so naturally we just had to expand into bringing 2 teams.” The Old boys section has received many enquires and some confirmations but ideally we are looking for a few more teams. Once again we will provide funds and space for at least four Thai teams. Last year our local based boys did more then hold their own with an exciting brand of Fiji style open play Rugby - always. A real crowd pleaser. Most of last years teams are returning and in addition there are a number of new teams. We are now negotiating the social piss ups with a couple of locations and as always these will be top notch !! For any additional ideas on that please contact me (remember location needs to be able to facilitate some 500 plus rugby players) . Regarding sponsorship, we are still look- ing for additional support, so any com- pa- nies wanting to affiliate themselves with one of the biggest and best rugby tourna- ments in the region should contact me direct. Once again we will have a “Youth Section” for kids U18 and under. Many local Thais teams as well as overseas teams will be participating over the weekend as well. Last year we had around 800 kids !! So we expect to sell the tournament out again with 24 or more men’s teams and 12 Old Boy sides. In addition we expect around 600-800 kids for the Youth tournament (Hosted by the Bangkok Lions). So we are expecting around 1300- 1400 participants, Pretty amazing stuff !! Fans can also expect to see many famous Rugby faces around as we are expecting a rugby celebrity or two to rock up .

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17 - BANGER BANTER OCT - DEC 2008 singapore SLING Many of the the lads may have noticed

hat my trips back home tend to coincide mysteriously enough with Bangers events.....the Mrs still thinks that these strange coincidences are just like before as there is a Bangers event every Tweekend! Just make sure she doesn’t find out the real story!! Recently one of the local sports clubs here in Singapore had some trouble finding coaches for their football teams so approached some of the rugby coaches to see if they wouldn’t mind filling in for a while.... They got some interesting responses! “That’s the game with the round ball isn’t it?” “Coach football? No thanks - I think red hot needles into my eyes would be prefer- able to dealing with the nasty nylon kit, cheating and temper tantrums” “Football you mean soccer? If there is one thing I can’t stand in this world it is soccer. I have absolutely no interest whatsoever in wasting my time watching a pack of fairies kicking a ball around and watching 0-0 results after 90 min- utes. I don’t want their cheque books, their lifestyles or even the smelly old trouts they parade around as Footballers Wives. I am not of the opinion that a man should have long hair, and a pony tail is worse, let alone earrings and waxed legs. Maybe I do have a problem with trying to find my more sensitive side but I was bought up on a dairy farm in New Zealand in the 70s & 80s and we shagged Sheilas and sheep, drank piss and worked hard and played harder - so I guess you know where you can stick any mention of that faggot sport they call soccer. Please take this as a no and have a most wonderful day.” “No, never played or coached football (old fashioned prop forward me, broad back, huge bum and no legs, but mum loved me).” “Thanks for the thought, but I have enough trouble with my little rugby darlings without dealing with foot- ball hooligans.” “NO!!! - Can’t stand the game!!!!” “Sod off” Think they’re still looking!!!

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18 - BANGER BANTER OCT - DEC 2008 spamWhy do we put up with spam

n in-your-face assault on our privacy, computer Asystems and sanity? And why do we allow the politicians to avoid making a decision on banning the electronic crap mail that fair flows into our in boxes? I’ve just had a squizz at my de- leted items and, if you discount the viruses sent my way via attachments, there are more than 200 items since my last monthly clean-out. That’s right 200 pieces large appendage), get my PC to - that means “we know the task of utter garbage that I do not give me a paycheck buy car- is impossible so we’ll just throw want to see but, some arsehole tridges for my printer and get it on to someone else and blame out there is making money out of some terrific tablets to ease my them if it’s not fixed.” sending me. And spam volume is blocked bowels. And did I men- Cooperation with other coun- officially predicted to rise by 50 tion Viagra? tries and international bodies per cent by 2009! Now governments are sup- to limit spam. Another airy- I can get 1 million free page posedly looking at the issue of fairy example of wanking. views on my site, win 40 lbs of spam. That hasn’t materialised, Application of existing legisla- lobster, get tiny webcams, itchy however, an interim report will tion such as national privacy anus cream, first aid kits, soft- no doubt pop out. You will not principles, trade practices and ware to hunt down long lost lov- be surprised by the recommenda- offensive online content. Sit on ers/schoolfriends/debtors, dwarfs tions of this interim report. our fat arses and do nothing. with huge breasts and chaps with They include: Further legislation, including exceptionally large appendages. Coming up with a definition of the creation of a new offence, I can have a Visa Card free “spam”. This one is easy you which would make it illegal to burgers, look at some naughty twits just click send receive on use a carriage service provider elves, look at some very naughty your ^$#@ PCs and you’ll find to commit a offence. What the blonde floozie with a ... hang out what spam is. &%$# does that mean? on I’ll bookmark that ... dental Codes of conduct to be fol- Well, from where I sit, there’s insurance, find out about web lowed by Internet service nothing clever about having your marketing, lose 10 pounds by providers and industry bodies. emails clogged with unwanted January, get my credit back on This is what is known as bulls- garbage and porno. Imagine track. hit where they come up with an how that is hardening the arter- And, if I’m really lucky I know I idea, phrase or name that means ies of the Internet and slowing it can find love, buy air-condition- absolutely nothing. down. I just wish they would just ers, see a teen girl do it with a An industry self-regulated list straight out ban spam. It would horse (and not the above men- of known spammers. Great make every user’s day! tioned chap with the extremely term industry self-regulated

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19 - BANGER BANTER OCT - DEC 2008 Meaning of LIFE The Oldest Player sat crumpled on a bench

wanted to ask you”, he and said: “I’ll try to explain, if said. “Do you mind telling you have a few minutes.” me why you still play? Not “Shoot,” he said. that you don’t pull your “Sometimes I tell my wife I’m weight. But you used to on a quest.” play on the First XV before “A quest?” most of us were born! Now “Yes. You know, like a surfer you volunteer to play for us looking for that perfect wave. down in the fourths. I don’t I’m looking for the perfect peel get it.” off the back of the line-out.” The Oldest Player smiled. n the back corner of the “The perfect peel off the back of “Lots of people have asked me locker room, covered in mud, the line-out!” that”, he responded. “My wife aI bit of blood, and quite a few “Yeah. Remember that one I did says the same thing before and bruises. He had a blissful look in the last game? Went over for a after every match. Been doing so on his face. Had he scored the try from it. Tied the match.” for twenty-eight years.” winning try? Put over a drop kick “That’s what keeps you play- “What do you tell her?” from half-way? Sprinted 30 yards, ing?! A line-out move?!” “Something different every time. even once? Nope. Much more sig- “Yes, partly. Not just that par- It drives her crazy.” nificantly, the Oldest Player had ticular move, but any good piece “Like what?” made it through the rugby game. of teamwork and timing. Scoring “I used to say I play rugby to Every part of him hurt, but he was is a bonus.” stay fit, to have fun, and to hang glad he would be able to walk, “That’s all?” out with the guys. But I don’t rather than hobble, all the way “That’s all. It’s a quest for per- say that anymore.” home later that evening. He knew fection. But isn’t that what life’s “Why not?” from long experience that he’d about? Overcoming opposition, “Well, mostly because it’s not manage to get up the next morn- danger and fear. Being coura- true anymore.” ing, just a bit stiff, to take the kids geous. Acting out of love and “What’s true now?” to the park. His wife would not friendship, rather than personal The Oldest Player sat up a little complain about him playing again gain. Trying to do everything as straighter. Then he took a cold next week. Total Success! well as you possibly can, every can for himself. He drank one The Captain, who had scored the time.” long swallow, as if it were the winning try, dropped a goal from “This is too much!” The Captain best brew he had ever had. He half-way, strode out of the shower exclaimed. “You make Rugby a slowly looked The Captain up singing his favourite post-match crusade and a meaning of life!” and down, seeing himself long ditty. The Captain was single, “It’s not just the meaning of life. before the mortgage, the twins, 23 years old, and handsome as a Those things are the meaning the grey hair, the bills, and the movie star. He noticed The Oldest of life. They make life worth career that ate up so much of Player sitting there, paused, shook living.” his time these last few years. He his head slowly, then came over. The Captain, a wing three-quar- scratched himself, thoughtfully, “There’s something I’ve always ter, walked away impressed.

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20 - BANGER BANTER OCT - DEC 2008 PROPS ONLY

LET THEIR BE NO MISUNDERSTANDING

at least a bit of a beer belly. They must be the slowest runners on the pitch. Everyone will take the piss out the props at every conceivable occasion. Equally, everyone will look to their props to sort out any argy-bargy. All props must be able to drink 20 bottles of Heineken Props are born, not made. That is why the only props that are left twenty years after they finished playing are those that played their entire life in the murky underworld of front-row play. All those upstarts from the 2nd-row rop forwards are the cor- ways knows someone who knew and back-row who got too fat nerstone of a rugby team. a back that volunteered to play and slow in old age fade away LetP there be no misunderstand- prop once and now spends his after prolonging their careers for ing; whilst the move is towards days mumbling into his soup and a couple of years by the insidi- faster play, and hence more mo- watching the birds on the lawn. ous ploy of taking up propping. bile and swifter players, you can- He will consequently become Finally, props are wonderful not play rugby union as it stands disenchanted with rugby and people, and should be nurtured. today without props. However, fade out after a few more weeks If you are a prop, be proud in the that is in a perfect world. Some and take up gardening or golf, knowledge that your trade is a weeks they are awash with and suffer nightmares weekly for hard, unsung one, where suc- props, and so end up with a the rest of his life. cess is worn inside, in the heart, front-row consisting of three Props are not supposed to score unlike these flashy back-row and props, a fourth in the second row, tries. Those that do have either fly-half types. If you are not a and a fifth horribly drowning on cheated or fallen over in the prop, gaze upon them henceforth the wing. Other weeks they have wrong place. If by some incred- with awe. only one prop available, and ible fluke of luck a prop scores, make do with the hooker prop- he will spend the rest of his life ping for only the third time in his describing in great detail the feat. life, or a spare centre making up Most props telling this tale will, the position. On these occasions however, not let on that when a long and heated debate will they scored their try it was worth take place whether the inexperi- three points. enced player should play loose Props must be the butt of every- or tight. Someone in the team al- one’s jokes. They must also have

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21 - BANGER BANTER OCT - DEC 2008 THis JANUARY WILL SEE THE “TESTICLEMOANIAL“ MATCH FOR HAMISH

o it seems only fitting that we recognize one of his greatest pleasures in life (not that!!!)- s--HAGGIS. Haggis would undoubtedly be regarded as the national dish of Scotland…but how many of you have ever wondered, whatever possessed the in- ventor of Haggis to come up with such a concoc- tion…I mean, what was this guy thinking of? When you think about it, if you do have a sheep, you will have; 2 legs for roasting; 2 shoulders for roasting; chump chops; loin chops; rib chops; cutlets; neck roast and breast roast and, of course, the inevitable pile of offal and guts. I guess in the days of olde it must have been a Take the other half of the liver, the heart and lungs and bit of a struggle to have to continuously roam the mince very finely. Grate the cold half of the liver and country side looking for a lost sheep. Now, my mix with the mince. Spread the mince on a table and thinking is that a Haggis was invented by a lazy add salt, pepper, nutmeg, cayenne pepper, chopped old bloke (whose wife was roaming the country onion, a handful of oatmeal and 4 cups of beef suet. side looking for lost potatoes), who, after finishing Mix all together and fill the stomach to a little more off all the good bits, couldn’t get off his arse to go than half full. Prick the stomach here and there with a out and look for another sheep. There he is, sitting large needle and sew up the opening. Wrap the Haggis alone in his 15th century kitchen, hungry as hell, in a floured cloth (so it doesn’t split during cooking), and all that was left of the last wretched animal then place into a large pot with plenty of water and was a pile of guts. “I know”- he thinks to himself boil for 3 hours. – “I’ll pick up all these gutsy bits, stuff them into Haggis is normally served hot with mashed pota- this bit that looks like a bag, cook it all up and toes and turnips and, of course, scotch whisky is the see what comes out.” So that’s what he did, then traditional drink that accompanies it. When a Haggis he ate it, then unfortunately he died. The post- is served at celebrated functions in Scotland, it will mortem concluded that if he had have left out the sometimes be escorted to the table by Pipers (could gall bladder, appendix and bowels, he would most that be 100 of them – or 1 bottle?). likely be still alive today. Wherever the name Haggis comes from, I’m sure that A Haggis has not really changed much since then. Scottish people have a full understanding of what Today’s Haggis would be put together something the word actually means, but my friend explained to like this: Take a sheep’s stomach, clean thor- me that the word “Haggis” is derived from 2 words; oughly and turn inside out. Take the heart, lungs “HAG”- meaning an old woman whose white hair and and liver of the sheep and boil these in salt water lipstick makes her resemble a sheep and “GIS”- a 15th for 30 minutes. Take the offal out of the water and century Scottish slang word for guts.! So Now You allow to cool. Know.! Cut the liver in half and make one half quite cold.

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22 - BANGER BANTER OCT - DEC 2008 What The Papers Say

PEOPLE OFTEN FORGET rugbys first rule its a players game and it

he rest of us can celebrate Only one way to find out. And the cream get selected. Tthe rugby season in our dif- what about Nick Evans? It’s a The history, the tradition, ferent ways but, essentially, noth- long way from Dunedin to Har- the craic ... it’s akin to being ing changes for those on the front lequins and not everyone knows handed a ticket to a mystery line. Make your tackles, put your you inside out. Is that exciting destination, devoid of certain- body on the line for your mates or daunting? Both, probably, but ties but rich in anticipation. and keep on running until you don’t let it get to you. Get out drop. Everything else - ELVs, Who wouldn’t want to go on the there, give it heaps and let Dan potential trip of a lifetime? OK, referees, attendances, pay pack- Carter know you’re still around. ets, beer prices, pies, newspaper but first you’ve got to prove Interesting exercise, isn’t you’re worthy. Ryan Jones for coverage - is pretty secondary. Or it? Slide yourself into your should be. Lions captain? Perhaps, but designer boots. The ankle nothing is guaranteed. So let’s kick off the 2008-09 doesn’t feel too bad but it’s In the end it mostly boils down season inside the dressing still early days and the phys- room. Imagine you’re there to a single 10-letter word: re- io’s not finished with you yet. demption. Can England scrape now, digging out your kit, Will the old snap still be there, getting strapped up, gently themselves off the canvas under not to mention the pace, the glid- Martin Johnson’s stern gaze? stretching your hamstrings, ap- ing acceleration and the inner plying the linament. What price the All Blacks glow? Is it worth trying an early conquering Europe this au- If you play the game for a liv- comeback or is it best to wait? tumn? Can the Lions reinvent ing, what are you thinking? When you know you haven’t got themselves? Is the game itself Make your tackles, hit hard, long left, you can’t waste a mo- strong enough to override the don’t take a backward step. Are ment. What’s the main target? Is flawed ELV trials and remind you physically ready? Course the Lions tour out of the ques- those who cherish it why they I bloody am. Let’s show ‘em. tion? Maybe love it so? If even half of the Gumshield. Dressing-room And so it goes on. Up and down answers are ‘yes’, this will be a door. Action. the British Isles there is noth- season to remember and another Imagine, alternatively, your name ing like a Lions tour for lending spectacular milestone in the is Brian O’Driscoll. People think a season more meaning. World continued rise of the profes- you’re over the hill. You may be Cups are different, somehow, sional game thinking it yourself. How are you because if you’re among the going to respond? Active or pas- top 30 players in an individual sive? Simple. The same applies country you have every chance to Charlie Hodgson. They still of making the plane. There’s appreciate you at Sale but has less suspense involved, even if your confidence recovered from the stakes are sky-high. With the that desperate All Blacks tour? Lions, on the other hand, only

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23 - BANGER BANTER OCT - DEC 2008 HUMOUR

RUGBY HEAVEN Two 90 year old men, Mike and Joe, have been friends all of their lives. When it’s clear that Joe is dying, Mike visits him every day. One day Mike says, “Joe, we both loved rugby all our lives, and we played rugby on Sat- urdays together for so many years. Please do me one favour, when you get to Heaven, somehow you must let me know if there’s rugby there.” Joe looks up at Mike from his death bed, “Mike, you’ve been my best friend for many years. If it’s at all possible, I’ll do this favour for you.” Shortly after that, Joe passes on. At midnight a couple of nights later, Mike is awakened from a sound sleep by a blinding flash of white light and a voice calling out to him, “Mike, Mike.” “Who is it? asks Mike sitting up suddenly. “Who is it?” “Mike, it’s me, Joe.” “You’re not Joe. Joe just died.” “I’m telling you, it’s me, Joe,” insists the voice.” “Joe! Where are you?” “In heaven”, replies Joe. “I have some really good news and a little bad news.” “Tell me the good news first,” says Mike. “The good news,” Joe says,” is that there’s rugby in heaven. Better yet, all of our old friends who died before us are here, too. Better than that, we’re all young again. Better still, it’s always spring time and it never rains or snows. And best of all, we can play rugby all we want, and we never get tired.” “That’s fantastic,” says Mike. “It’s beyond my wildest dreams! So what’s the bad news?” “You’re in the team for Tuesday.” THE POPE IN WALES On a tour of Wales, the Pope took a couple of days off his Itinerary to visit the West coast near Aberystwyth on an impromptu sightseeing trip. His Popemobile was driving along the golden sands when there was an enormous commotion heard just off the headland. They rushed to see what it was and upon approaching the scene the Pope noticed just outside the surf, a hapless man wearing an English Rugby jersey, struggling frantically to free himself from the jaws of a twenty foot shark. At that moment a speedboat containing three men wearing Welsh Rugby Shirts roared into view from around the point. Spontaneously, one of the men took aim and fired a harpoon into the shark’s ribs, immobilising it instantly. The other two reached out and pulled the Englishman from the water and then, using long clubs, beat the shark to death. They bundled the bleeding, semi conscious man into the speed boat along with the dead shark and then prepared for a hasty retreat, when they heard frantic shouting from the shore. It was of course the Pope, and he summoned them to the beach. Upon them reaching the shore the Pope went into raptures about the rescue and said, “I give you my blessing for your brave actions. I had heard that there were some racist xenophobic people trying to divide Wales and England, but now I have seen with my own eyes this is not true. I can see that your society is a truly enlightened example of racial harmony and could serve as a model on which other nations could follow. “He blessed them all and drove off in a cloud of dust. As he departed, the harpoonist asked the others, “Who was that???!” “That,” one answered, “was his Holiness the Pope. He is in direct contact with God and has access to all God’s wisdom.” “Well,” the harpoonist replied, “he knows nothing about shark hunting. How’s that bait holding up or do we need to get another one?”

Dickhead Legitimate Spam

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24 - BANGER BANTER OCT - DEC 2008 entertainment TONIGHT

MATT DILlON TO MAKE RUGBY MOVIE

att Damon will star as the captain of South Africa’s 1995 World Cup-winning rugby team in a film to be directed by Clint East- Mwood about Nelson Mandela and the transformative effect of the sport- ing win, weekend newspapers reported in South Africa. Damon will star as Springbok ex-captain Francois Pienaar and Morgan Freeman will play Mandela in the film adaptation of a yet-to-be-re- leased book by British journalist and author John Carlin entitled Playing The Enemy: Nelson Mandela And The Game That Made A Nation. Freeman, who had the idea for the film and brought Eastwood and Da- mon on board, has described the Mandela role as the the role of his life. Pienaar admitted to The Sunday Times his wife was especially ‘pleased’ the star of blockbusters such as The Bourne Identity and The Talented Mr Ripley had been chosen to play him. The Springboks’ World Cup victory at home a year after the country’s first democratic elections is seen as a defining moment in the history of post-apartheid South Africa. The image of then president Mandela clad in a Springboks jersey presenting the Webb Ellis trophy to Pien- aar became a symbol of new-found unity in the ‘rainbow nation’, given rugby’s association with the white minority. Filming of the movie, which covers the turbulent period between 1985 to 1995, is set to begin next year, the newspaper reported.

COMING OUT - THE GAY RUGBY MOVIE atherine Zeta-Jones is employing fellow country- man and rising metrosexual Gavin Henson in the Cfilm. Says Zeta-Jones of the film Coming Out: “I grew up among rugby fanatics - the film is very close to my heart. It’s about a gay teenager from a little town in Wales who goes to London to pursue musical theatre. His father dies and leaves him the local rugby club in his will. He’s doing West Side Story and has to go back home to get these fat, drinking, smoking Welsh guys into shape to win the rugby tournament.” Henson will play himself. No word on whether Henson’s boozy girlfriend Charlotte Church, who was recently voted top gay icon by Attitude magazine, will play a role

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