ISSUE #16 This Here... “...loud, raucous, even abrasive at times...” (T Wayne)

(if not necessarily a consistent paycheck, the business having EGOTORIAL its ups and downs and seasonal variation), but the disadvantage of working silly hours (and the taxi columns This Here... might have been collectively titled “Five Twelve” as a nod to the from-jail “Six Twelve” pieces, now mercifully long, long (Series 1): December 1999 - March 2001 (issues #1 - #8) ago) which leaves me not a lot of copious free time to commit fanac, stint as FAAn awards administrator (Series 2): June 2008 - April 2011 (issues #8 1/2 - #15) notwithstanding. Paradoxically, given that I mostly go (Series 3): May 2019 - ?? (issues #16 - ??) nowhere and do nothing on my Friday and Saturday “weekend”, there could be the use of that window for laser- Here we are again, then. “Yes, but why?” comes the focused accing of the fan, which was arguably the plaintive cry from Sid & Doris Fishlifter, ashen-faced case during award admin days, but that’s a fail when and tight-lipped Ron “Knee” Hooper and Sir Herbert you have that BFF which depends upon the Gussett-Charnock not necessarily of Dorset (That’s involvement of others who do not necessarily share enough Private Eye references - Ed.) my scheduled time constraints, eg co-editorial “Why not?” could be a suitable response, of procrastination (abetted by the inevitable and course, but a conjuncture of several reasons unwelcome intrusions of RL) with added has given me the nod, including but not perfectionism, which goes into the same limited to the cessation of the excellent column as Billy Bunter’s postal order and run of G Charnock’s Vibrator, the seeming Curt Phillips’ TAFF trip report. absence of any regularity of A Hooper’s So This Here..., back grinding axes and Flag (needs prune juice?), both in the potentially with a fairly frequent schedule, perzine section, leaving Leigh Edmonds’ although no promises, given that I’ve only zine reading options to devolve to proved that one thing I can do consistently BFFs (“Big Fat Fanzines”, by Leigh’s well is have a hiatus. But I’m taking drink definition) and Banana Wings, the latter a stuff for that. deserved multiple award-winner, and not so much “The Only Fanzine That Matters” (to You’d expect a bit of an upgrade, eight years borrow a musical reference solely on the basis on, but you’d also expect some continuity, of the existence of the Sainted M Strummer, plus ca change... perhaps) but “The Only Fanzine That Gets An Ish Out On A Well, the layout’s the same, though I changed the font on the Decent Schedule”, unlike said BFFs such as - er - BEAM, or title, after which I had to have a serious lay-down due to the Challenger, maybe even Trap Door on the basis that those expected exhaustion of that effort, or possibly the named would be considered “event publications”, a polite consumption of an entire bottle of store-brand whiskey, way of saying there’ll be an ish once a year if you’re fuckin’ suggesting that we must be due another party so Ken Vaden lucky. can bring another bottle of good stuff, and Don Miller can Regular readers of the admirable SexToy will know that I’ve provide some container of his by-now traditional “strange- been plying the trade of taxi driver since 2015, giving the colored alcoholic piss” which has actually of late been more household the advantage of me having regular employment drinkable than in past iterations. While the “Egotorial” has

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habitually been seen as “The Train-wreck Diaries” by over Steve Stiles and Bill Burns winning their respective luminaries such as His Unc-Ness (J) previous post-hiatus categories consistently - Mike wanted to accede to efforts have wisely declined to recap the intervening years, (particularly Steve’s) wishes to not be considered to the and in any case life is chugging along in an atmosphere of extent of disregarding votes for them, whereas I was of the general contentment these days, with the fervent hope that I opinion that, while those worthies were certainly at liberty haven’t jinxed it by saying that. to exhort participants to not vote for them, a formal policy of The “Tunes!” column is here, though as with the change in disregarding votes wasn’t something I could condone. Thus, “series 2” to its philosophy (if that isn’t too grand a with my personal view that the FAAn awards admin should designation, suggesting that it presumes to have one) is once defer to the wishes of the incumbent Corflu chair, I willingly again modified. stepped aside. Little did I realize what a fuckin’ travesty Mike would come up with, and I don’t envy Burnsy the task “Indulge Me” is still here, the usual filler of one-liners and of portraying that lot on the Corflu website, although random distress. Magister that he is, I’m sure it’ll get done. “Rasslin’”, which I haven’t now watched in many years due An example of how tortured it was: Andy Hooper, strangely to the lack of availability on my current TV (no cable or for someone who is producing diligent and detailed research satellite, just streaming services) is replaced by “Footy”, so on that old Worldcon stuff, typically tends to gob off in an we thus include a sample of what the likes of Catherine impressionistic manner on contemporary fanstuff - I Crockett will deride as “sportsball” (and feel free to skip experienced this myself off him in 2018, when he expressed past that section en route to knitting cats for antifa), and yet anger and frustration (which was quite genuine) yet with a perking up others who have a deep interest in that great Trump-like disregard of easily determined facts. Thus, his game. post-Corflu 2019 remarks that he may have been the only It could well be seen as an eye-rollingly obvious quid pro quo voter for Fred Lerner’s excellent apazine Lofgeornost was not to have Charnock (G) in here, and perhaps it is, but I only immediately contradicted by Mike Dobson reiterating personally enjoyed his ‘America the Damned’ polemics, so his stated (if vague) policy of requiring “sufficient why wouldn’t I gratefully provide a venue for their participation” in subcategory voting to garner the award, continuation? but also by four others stating that they’d given Fred the nod, and a statement by Mike that five different apazine It’s all good. titles had been voted for. At least we can thus deduce that Nic Farey, May 2019 there were at least nine voters this year. Further comments on that FB thread included remarks that “I receive Fred’s zine in the mail, and have done so for x years”, thus effectively making the award “Only Apazine I receive in the IS THIS JUST FAANTASY? mail”. Eye roll. No disrespect to Fred, whose ish I also Firstly, and crucially, congratulations to all this year’s FAAn receive and enjoy, and had I voted this year might well have award winners, too many to name given the overall put Lofgeornost in that slot, only balking because I don’t have subcategory/certificate list and the “main” actual trophy the breadth of knowledge of the approx 27 billion apazines, winners. It seems churlish to lazily just name trophy nor the arrogance to designate the only one I get as the recipients, although some are likely to get namechecks “best”, good though it is. further down. The “trophy” awards were generally unsurprising, except I had hoped that Mike Dobson would have the detailed for Alan White’s shocking and welcome ‘Fanartist’ nod. This voting numbers out by the time thish was up, but that’s not is where raw numbers are going to be interesting. Alan the case. I can only conclude that the formatting and didn’t get any of the subcategory certificates, has been commentary of and on those numbers might well take a generally and unjustly ignored in previous ballots, and yet minute, given the unnecessary complexity of this year’s comes out on top with Dobson’s likely tortuous math. ballot, but (a) that’ll give me plenty to gob off about in This I have to add, Steve Stiles, original crazy man, I love you to Here... #17, and, yanno, the FA Cup Final is next week, pieces, but Mike’s method of allowing you to have a ‘Footy’ (qv), so I’m not about to wait on him. “certificate” in a subcategory yet not be counted toward the A brief history, although most readers might be familiar “trophy” award is tincture of pure bollocks. How many with it: having administered the 2018 awards, the original fuckin’ ways do you want it, mate? intention was that I would continue in the gig for 2019. I had some changes in mind, based on that year’s experience of the job, and convened a smoffish group to discuss them. It soon became clear that Mike and I had a major sticking point

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Lennon/McCartney, even though we all know that very TUNES! (CRITIQUE) soon after the early Beatles slices they separated quickly to the point that it’s clear which were the “John” songs and Just for continuity, at least for thish, I’ll keep the “Tunes!” which were the “Paul” ones. Advocates of Jagger/Richard section title before possibly changing up to “Radio Winston” can sound off in the loccol (and compare favorably or for #17, which might be along at some smooth juncture, disfavorably to, say, Difford/Tilbrook), but a much more although like any faned worth the salt I’ve lied shamelessly obvious comparison might be Strummer/Jones in that you and created ever more elastic definitions of “RSN”. had very obviously Joe songs and very obviously Mick ones. “Radio Winston”, for those non-members and non-FarkBark Thing is there, they were both usually fuckin-A, as opposed participants, is an online group that posts, and occasionally to Lennon’s denigration of Paul’s “granny songs”, a criticism discusses, and occasionally falls out over - er - tunes. Our I considered accurate. original ethos, not so much deliberately devised as Because this is a fanzine, and we like fannish references, I’ll coagulated between meself, Don Miller and JoHn Wesley mention that, while pitching ideas for the never-to-occur Hardin was the idea that we could, firstly, do an inevitably nichevo #2, I asked Dave Hicks if he’d consider a Lennon/ drunken and crazed podcast arguing over stuff we like McCartney comparison of the fanwriting of Dave Langford (given that we have somewhat different tastes and yet can be and D West. He demurred on the basis that it would require appreciative, mostly, of each others’ selections), but that the then not proverbial metric fuck-ton of reading that he rather lazily devolved into me setting up the FB group didn’t have time for, but ey, someone out there...? where people could simply post music links of stuff they liked, old or new, with an underlying recognition that the The take on Lennon/McCartney has to be that they shored blues was at the heart of it all, notwithstanding admiration up each other’s weaknesses. Lennon was the clear genius, for classical, mediaeval and fuck nose what else. yet prone to chucking out some wince-making bollocks, but all the while trying to make something happen. McCartney, I lay the blame for the “Radio Winston” name firmly at the and “Give Ireland Back to the Irish” notwithstanding, was feet of Hardin, and we stick with it even though we are now and is nothing more than a pop practitioner, workmanlike, required, by correctness, to have a more anodyne group reliable and generally mediocre. photo (constructed, as are they all, by the legendary Miller) which excludes any overt mention or image of that Churchill That brings me (finally) to what I really wanted to discuss, bloke, or bulldogs, or any implication thereof, since Kev one of the great groups of all time, the Wailers, which McVeigh reacts very badly to that, and we do value his contained a clear Lennon (Peter Tosh) and an equally clear precious soul, as well as his precious indy stuff. McCartney (Bob Marley). Off on a further and inevitable aside, again, my fellow Winstons are quite familiar with my There is a “real” Radio Winston, broadcasting out of disregard for certain iconic pedestal-dwellers, and equally Winston-Salem NC, but our version has a more scurrilous aware of those I consider utterly overrated, a list which and perhaps typically obscure derivation. I’d introduced includes the likes of Carlos Santana and most definitely R N JoHn to the ‘Derek & Clive’ (Peter Cook & Dudley Moore) Marley. Let me make clear, however, that “overrated” is not slice “What’s the Worst Job You’ve Ever Had?” which, once a synonym for “untalented” by any stretch. It’s just that I’ve it gets past removing lobsters from Jayne Mansfield’s never bought into the iconic status awarded to some of these arsehole, gets into the awful task of collecting up all the musicians, casting a more critical eye on them than is usually phlegm Winston Churchill had gobbed out of a night, which done. was considerable, given all those cigars and all that fuckin’ brandy. Dud, at one point, simply exclaims “Winston was a The deification of Marley mystifies me to this day, except cunt!”, apropos of nothing much other than getting a word perhaps that he was considered a representation of certain in Peter’s gorgeously abusive flow, and with the way my ideals and was, perhaps unknowingly or even unwillingly deranged mind works, the call letters for our imaginary thus accorded a mythic status which doesn’t stand up to radio station would inevitably be KUNT, hence, Radio close examination in detail. Let’s do some comparisons. Winston. Because he was a cunt. Sorry, Kev. Coming up with a simple, jolly, non-political and basically That’s a typically Farey sideways intro, innit, since what I inoffensive pop song is a staple task. Marley gives us “Natty actually wanted to get into, rather than the current music Dread”, a slice whose nursery-rhyme qualities mirror likes of This Here... series 1 or the redux retro reviews of McCartney’s worst instincts. Before the term might have series 2 was a more general philosophical analysis, and in no been in general use, all it contains is a set of tags (eg small part take to task some of the adored inhabitants of “dreadlocks”, “Babylon”) and offers nothing. Tosh reworks pedestals who really ought to sit the fuck down and be well an old Temptations slice into “Walk (Don’t Look Back)” less up themselves. (Choruses of “Bono!”) with more complexity in the construction and arrangement. There’s effortless skill at work there, whereas “Natty Dread” Songwriting partnerships, and partnerships within groups just seems, well, lacking any effort. have over many years been judged by comparison with

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Both artists recorded versions of “Steppin’ Razor”, which for fashion whereas Tosh would be the spikier Lennon-like the unfamiliar includes the line: “...don’t watch my size, I’m provocateur. I’ve also long harbored the belief that the dangerous...”. Tosh’s rendition is redolent with implied lighter-skinned and less African-looking Marley, a handsome menace. Marley’s sounds about as dangerous as a wet man by any standard, proved much more acceptable to sponge. white audiences. That’s the way of things, innit? Marley’s output in general was non-political, the 1979 ‘Survival’ set notwithstanding (and several critics saw that as FOOTY a calculated response to the muttering which accompanied Why oh why (“which almost spells YOYO”, writes Mrs the thoroughly baked ‘Kaya’), with the occasional excursion Trellis of North Wales) is there no “Rasslin’” commentary to into actual relevance (eg ‘Zimbabwe’) rather than the typical begin the long-awaited This Here... series 3, wail the grunt ‘n’ generic exhortations (eg ‘One Love’) which get seen as grapple acolytes (C Garcia, J Purcell), and ooh, no “Rasslin’” anthemic. Tosh’s catalog tended much more toward the pages to skip over, observe the disinterested hordes political and protest (eg ‘Equal Rights’, ‘The Day the Dollar (represented by M Strummer and J (Unc)). The latter two Die’) with whimsical let’s-have-a-bit-of-silly-fun slices (eg may have equally minimal interest in actual sports rather ‘Leave My Business’, ‘Reggaemylitis’) strewn here and there. than “sports entertainment”, but there are those, I know, Marley survived an alleged assassination attempt in with a deep interest in the athletic endeavors of eleven December 1976, and some might suggest bottled it in blokes kicking a pill, including but not limited to Dave decamping to London, when he could have stayed, albeit “COYS” Hod-me-son and Kev McVeigh, who now has probably with a coterie of bodyguards in a fortified possibly more mentions in this ish than Paul McCartney, to compound of some kind. I can quite see how that wouldn’t his undoubted distress. But ey, think how McCartney must have good “optics”, as they say these days, removing the feel... self-avowed apolitical “man of the people” from - er - the In fact, the original column for thish, written back in 2011 people. Tosh stayed, of course, not having had the direct (yes, really), was about cricket, and ended up, slightly threat Marley did (although it seems quite inexplicable that revised, in BEAM because I had nothing for my article the much more outspoken Tosh wouldn’t have been a target, contribution to that ish and a deadline to meet. conspiracy theories to be expounded upon in This Here... #17 loccol, no doubt), but met his own senseless death by A note on terminology, though: depending on where exactly violence ten years later. Bob swiftly away on his toes did you live, “footy” can refer to several different sports which suggest a genuinely frightened man, and it’s hard to blame share the name of “football” in various guises. To Leigh him. I’d give credence to the theory that he also wanted to Edmonds it might be Australian Rules football, whereas to get away from being used as a pawn in the ongoing political Graham James it might be Rugby League, but here, as you games. Especially if that involved getting shot at. would suppose, it’s the game properly (and rarely) called “Association football”, “futbol” to my immediate neighbors Marley became an international superstar, of course, here on Rungsted Street, and despite coming up on 26 years reaching the stratosphere of the pantheon while Tosh, I in the USA, I refuse to call it fuckin’ “soccer” unless I have to. might suggest, stayed firmly at ground level. We can draw comparisons here, Marley, I would contend, being I suspect a bit of history is in order. As a nipper I didn’t have fundamentally inoffensive in classic McCartneyesque any direct guidance or familial dedication to a given team, although my dad played for the village eleven, he never expressed to me any particular enthusiasm for any particular club, though if pressed he’d say he was an Arsenal man. Therefore, I idly followed the whims of who was up, down or on the sports pages, admiring the exploits of Arsenal, Spurs, Manchester United, the then usual suspects, but without any wearing of colors and largely in ignorance of supporter and club rivalries. Pirton FC on a Saturday afternoon, though, was a typical way to spend a couple of hours for nothing except the price of a beaker of well-stewed tea, if you wanted one on a bleak winter afternoon (as you often did), so an interest in the game itself was maintained. Off to LSE in 1976, my immediate concerns veered into music, politics, drink and nooky, all of which I pursued with determined alacrity at the expense of any stellar academic achievement. Marley (L), Tosh (R), random white bloke in the middle for contrast

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Music, in fact, led me to my long-standing and to-this-day that we might (quite obviously) look at the relegated teams footy allegiance. Elton John, a lifelong fan, became chairman (Cardiff, Fulham, Huddersfield) for players who would of Watford FC in 1976, when they were sitting in the then 4th likely prefer continued Premier rather than Championship division. This registered with me at the time, but I still had football. If Deulofeu goes, you’d think we’d want another three years of music, politics, drink and nooky to negotiate, skill player (although they’re all a bit flaky and streaky), but and being a (ghasp) football fan would have been massively the name that consistently came up was Mitrovic, currently uncool. Yet somehow the meteoric Watford story, with its at Fulham (apologies in advance to long-time friend Sharon charismatic and involved club chairman (EJ) and equally Davids who is a sterling FFC lass. Also DDG, just sayin’). charismatic and clued-in manager (GT) stayed with some Mitro is much more of a Troy Deeney-style physical forward back-burner brain cells, and by the time of our 1982 than a recognized skill player, but that rather fits the Watford promotion to the First Division, I was fully engaged. ethos, and given that Deeney is now 30 and Mitro is only 24, We’ve had our ups and downs since then, of course, but this that might make sense as a phased-in replacement for our season has been a banner year - a top 10 Premier League beloved skipper. If we are having a look for a nippy skill finish (when we’d been widely tipped for relegation) and an player (the type we have previously tended to sell for a good upcoming FA Cup final appearance against Man City, who I profit rather than keep, cf Richarlison) then my outlier pick is believe we can tuff the fuck up. Our previous and only go at (and sorry, Hod-me-son) to see if we could swipe Son FA cup glory was in 1984, losing 2-0 to Everton. 35 years Heung-Min off Spurs. He does seem to me to have not only later, I immediately perked at the prospect of being back at the skillset, but also team player qualities that any Hornet Wembley to add my voice to the “Come on You ‘Orns” needs. chorus, but the usual The midfield question is vagaries of dosh (typical potentially an easier lack thereof), and more answer, sort of. Capoue practically an expired has been one of the passport won’t permit players of the season for me to be there. I found, us (and one of the top 15 most happily, a or so players in the supporters’ group on entire PL), a midfield Fucking Bloody general genuinely feared Facebook, and have by the oppo. Also, exhorted friends I’ve however, even at age 30, made there (shout-outs he might nevertheless be to Cindy (“DDG”) Hack, a target for a money club Colin (“Contrary”) in need of an impact Beasley and excitable midfielder, and even if fellow expat Nikki Basar there’s only a one or two Etienne Capoue, Watford’s player of the year at the annual awards (just last night) (who lives in some year contract offer, it obscure godawful corner could be for such silly of Michigan) to get an extra match programme (not you, money that no-one would blame him for grabbing it (or the Nikki, you’ll be as sadly stranded as I will), which I’ll frame Pozzos for flogging him off for what would be a seriously next to my one from ’84, whatever the result (which will be decent return). The quietly impressive replacement, similar my Golden Boys tuffing up the fuck out of Citeh). Those who in style and ability (and, very importantly, teamwork) is the think we haven’t got a prayer need to have a look at the last Australian Aaron Mooy, currently at Huddersfield. Mooy is 15 minutes of our match at the Vic, when the score was 1-2 28, and arguably peaking. My observation of him in our and we were chucking everything at the Sky Blue Boys which game a few weeks ago suggested that if we do lose Capoue had them on their heels and looking well worried, not to say in the offseason, Mooy could slot right in with a one or two cluelessly dismayed. As has sadly been the case in more than year contract. a few games, our finishing was a bit woeful, but we’ve got Next ish potential topic: perceived favoritism by match the lads to make it happen if it clicks. officials toward top six teams (that fuckin’ Jon Moss ought to If we get Europa League football with the FA Cup win, I’d be taken out and shot). Also, deranged celebration and much think it likely we’ll keep the squad fairly intact, despite a lot drink after my ‘Orns beat Citeh 3-1 in the cup final, right? of sniffing around from the usual moneyed suspects. Footnote naming other teams I follow, to some extent: Heart Potential serious transfer losses during the offseason might of Midlothian (Scottish Premier), also cup finalists, and Cruz be Deulofeu and Capoue, so I suggested in the fan forum Azul (Liga MX), thanks to neighbor Eddie.

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own safe enclaves, and that somehow never managed to go AMERICA THE DAMNED batshit crazy.) BY GRAHAM CHARNOCK But while the Lutherans supplanted strict Catholic doctrine with an equally rigorous and hidebound ethic, it is common I started putting together ‘America the Damned’ as a series everyday Protestantism we should mostly be concerned of essays with no idea of what I was doing. The two big ‘T’s, with, for that seems the most poisonous and insidious one. Terrorism and Trump, and other moral panics were in their The Protestantism of the Quakers and the Plymouth ascendency and It was stimulated merely by a vague dis- Brethren, for instance, is characterized as being outwardly ease and the suspicion there must be some underlying mild-mannered and non-aggressive and yet they controlled condition which could explain it and that people might and subjected their children by instilling their own set of welcome me for trying to discover it. Well, I think I have, but rules in their psyches, to the degree that many now grown I know I will not be popular for suggesting that there is a children find in impossible to escape them. deep underlying sickness in the dark heart of America, and that it was somehow psychically polluted by the mental These and other sects, in rejecting the catholic faith, although woes of those early settlers, which would much later be ostensibly accepting the existence of the holy trinity excised and dissected by psychologists like Freud and Jung, nevertheless left themselves open to what I might call and sociologists like Erich Fromm, who if nothing else ‘religion by interpretation’, for the freedom to practice your explained Naziism by the way societies work by control of own faith exercises no control over what that faith should be. power, but I’m afraid that conclusion seems inescapable to Some people believe in Star Trek, for instance and believe me. Klingon is a real language. Thus, if you believe you are a messiah you might as well be one. Who is going to gainsay FALSE MESSIAHS you? Oh, only those beastly critics, but they’re only false There have been two notable, fairly recent, outrages in followers after all. It could possibly only happen in America American history at the hands of false messiahs. One false where freedom of thought is rabidly and historically messiah was David Koresh, the other was Jim Jones. Their inculcated into people who seem to have even lost the ability stories have been told in such graphic detail that I don’t to think. intend to dwell on them, except perhaps to point out a few Time to do what I said I wasn’t going to do. Let’s pick apart salient facts. I am more concerned with the background that these outrages and pore over the gristly remains. Jim Jones. induces a messiah complex in this country in particular. Well, He was officially ordained in 1956 by the Independent obviously is has to be grounded in personal religious beliefs, Assemblies of God and in 1964 by the Disciples of Christ. All how they are acquired and what use people make of them to this of course begs the question of what ‘officially ordained’ mediate their own lives. So perhaps we should go back to the actually means. It means, I think, as little as a diploma from a religious foundations of the first mass migrations to the Nigerian University which you have paid for, but I’m sure newly discovered continent. Many of them were launched by the certificate looks pretty and is suitable for framing. people who found the European religious traditions repressive, and were seeking some kind of freedom for their Using these ‘qualifications’ he established a community of own religious expression, (although it is true that certain followers whom he systematically murdered in 1978 by hidebound theologies such as Lutheranism and its extreme feeding them poisoned cola. As with many false messiahs arms such as the Amish, also moved house and community paranoia seems to have played a significant part in this wholesale to somewhere where they could establish their scenario.

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When Jones relocated his cult to Guyana and triggered [[2019 update: the last several ishes of BEAM have had a rumours of human rights violations probably instigated by very limited print run (30 copies), intended primarily for the families and relatives of those disciples who had gone contributors but with leeway for a few spares. I’m hoping with him, a delegation headed by Representative Leo Ryan that This Here..., amenable as it it is to home printing, might was sent to investigate. They were murdered by Jim and his have a few more...]] henchmen. When God is under threat it only bolsters his Bummer on the tax situation. We got hit with an unexpected solipsist belief in his own sense of ‘specialness’. He was of bill from Uncle Sam this year, and funds are now down to course insane by any definition you care to upload, but again the bare minimum. May have to start floating some it begs the question of why 918 of his followers didn’t payments on the credit card for a few months until can recognize this and took willing part in his ceremonial generate some new income sources. Double-bummer! slaughter. Well, I guess people are easily led. Or like cola. Regarding Robert's comments re my loc in the previous They certainly are and do. David Koresh recognized this and issue: I feel I must defend myself in that I don't believe I had played out his messiah complex against a background of been in any way complaining about you not using my art, paranoia which was again played out in the endgame just just that I felt a little guilty getting an issue without Although in his case the authorities really were out to get having a contribution in it. I wasn't aware of any filing him. There was an investigation into illegal possession of problems in finding the things. firearms and explosives and with the spectre of Universal Terrorism on the horizon the U.S. Bureau of Alchohol, [[That’s the way I read it too - Alexis grumbles a lot if he Tobacco and Firearms, jumped into their Humvees in 1993 sends me stuff that I don’t use fairly swiftly, but I do try to and went a-hunting. After a mis-handled stand-off Koresh place art where it might have some relevance to the text, so and 79 of his followers were left in the ashes. some pieces might sit around for a while. I really must do a major office tidy-up and try to sort some of this shit out. Koresh’s messiah complex was almost certainly centred What I really need to do is build another shed...]] around his own ego and his own perceived vision of himself as a solipsist masculine Godhead, universally sexually In his same loc: I'm not sure what a "creeb" is, but I like the attractive and incapable of failure. Like Jones he was of sound of it. I have indeed been lucky enough to find a course quite insane and thus doomed to failure. garage where I trust the guys working there. They've steered me away from repairs that they could easily have charged We have learned I think, if nothing else, that false messiahs me for, and done some small things for free. So, when they are always insane. But how much of that is down to basic do say I do need to get something done, they have my trust. individual psychopathic character flaws which may even be Also have a doctor I trust, so someone to look after me, and base in genetics, or something inherent in the religion-based someone to look after the wheels, helps a lot! philosophy they endorse? I have tried to make a case for the t latter argument but I am open to persuasion. [[I’ll let the grate Rob define his usage for you, which I suspect is quite different to the definition offered by the Urban Dictionary: “A girl who creeps around and is silly LOCO CITATO and gets drunk erry (sic) day”...]] [[Letters date from 2011. Editorial comment looks like this, So, I'd better get back to working on some of that fund- and is contemporaneous to the locs themselves. As usual, raising style art for a while. I’ve left it as is for the (ahem) fanhistorical record, although ✻ ✻ ✻ 2019 updates may crop up ...]] From: [email protected] From: [email protected] May 4 May 3 Chris Garcia writes: Brad Foster writes: I'm never going to own a home. There are way too many Just read This Here... #15 online. Is this to be an ezine-only hoops to jump and I could never navigate the waters myself. now? Your comments at the end of the issue about "...print Vegas has taken the brunt of the property decline in the this out, fold it in half..." leads me to think so. Western States, along with the Central Valley of California. Guess where my Mom lives? She bought in early 2008 and [[Indeed it is, as BEAM will also be - I’m not mad happy her place is worth about 85% of what it was when they about it, but enough people made encouraging noises that, if bought it, though things are looking up for them as the town I couldn’t afford to get ‘em out on paper, they’d rather see in which she bought is finally being built, so that'll help. The ‘em online than not at all...]] concept of putting in homes, then applying the city, stores, amusements and such after was part of what led to the

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Central Valley's decline. In Vegas, it was simply the Matches in ages. Though I must admit, neither Layla nor incredible number of people flowing in, the decline of Michelle McCool are as incredibly hot as Karen Jarrett! She's gaming revenue and jobs. It's rough... also a sweetheart, as I sat next to her at a WWE show about a You've got a kid? No one tells me anything! My Dad had decade ago. several kids. Officially, there are five of us (No Joke, the first [[My impression of Karen Jarrett is that her character is four were Christine, Crystal, Christopher and Christian, based a lot on her real personality i.e. complete fuckin’ bitch, Bailey was the last of us) and three but of course I’ve never met her in more than seem likely to have been person. I don’t think she’s hot either, in Dad's (one of which is a Chrisa) and fact I’d call her a bit of an oinker to be another couple where we're not sure; honest. You’re obviously not looking at John Garcia's not an uncommon name her above the neck. I notice you didn’t in San Jose. Poppa was a rolling stone, offer any comment on Wrestlemania, and I knew that from a young age. He whether to confirm or deny Arnie’s used to use me to pick up women at opinions, plus what I’d heard, that it the park when I was young and was pretty shite...]] adorable. One of my possible sisters got Actually, I've been watching a lot of in touch a year or so after Pops died, independent wrestling lately, most and we chatted on Facebook for a specifically the Chikara Pro King of while. She had a vague recollection of Trios. Lots of former TNA guys meeting her father who sure sounded (Amazing Red, who I think is still there like my Dad, but her mother had died at times) and a few others. The matches and she didn't have much to go on but were long, they brought over a few of a name on a birth certificate and an my all-time favorite Japanese wrestlers, address that led to no house and most impressively, they had the whatsoever. Her reason for looking was greatest wrestling moment in history medical, she wanted to know her when the two guys just started familial medical history because she working in slo-mo and the crowd was was thinking of having a kid. One of chanting in slow motion that "This... the other likely siblings wanted to is... awesome.." They do a more know if there was any inheritance. She comedy-based, Lucha style of had been following Dad's adventures in Her eyes are higher up, Chris... wrestling, which is very amusing. my zines, though no father's name appears on her birth certificate. I gave her one of Dad's old I like Matt Smith, but no one will ever backpacks and a couple of photos. She was happy with that. stand up to David Tennant as far as I'm concerned. He could The least likely of all the potential siblings wanted to find hit the pathos and the comedy with equal alacrity. Amy Dad for much the same reason that your son wanted to find Pond? Well, she's adorable beyond all reason. I was most you. It wasn't easy to tell him that Dad had passed. It looks saddened to hear that Liz Sladen died. Sarah Jane was the more and more likely that his John Paul Garcia father is not companion on the first episode of Dr. Who I ever watched. the same John Paul Garcia that was father to me and the [[RIP Liz Sladen, indeed - she was great for being an others. These things happen. independent and independent-minded character (in keeping [[In fact, I have two kids of my own, who are half-brothers, with her role as a journalist), and though I remember her and four stepkids from two out of three marriages (all boys). showing fear, I don’t recall her being an annoying screamer As Sean pointed out, my name appears on his birth at all. Tennant was good, perhaps even great, but Eccles certificate, so no secrets there...]] knocks spots off him - wish he’d have stayed longer...]] ✻ ✻ ✻ [[2019 update: That’s now five stepkids (all boys) from four marriages, and two actual grandchildren, most recent From: [email protected] addition Ava Carey breaking the testosterone hegemony...]] May 4 I enjoyed myself, especially the vs. match. TNA has been OK of late, though I must Taral Wayne writes: admit, I'm more a WWE guy at the moment. I loved the I wasn’t an early partisan of . Several of my Extreme Rules pay-per-view, especially with Rey Misterio friends who were connected to the local Society for Creative and Cody Rhodes in a Falls Count Anywhere match, a really Anachronism were fans before me. They had been talking of good Orton vs. CM Punk brawl and one of the best Women's nothing but, so it was inevitable that eventually they’d make

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me listen. It was in the apartment of Jennifer Bankier that I my surprise, my taste seemed more in line with some of the first heard the somewhat rude and bouncy music of the gentler numbers that I had previously overlooked. band, and the powerful if “common” voice of . I may have to give those first two albums of Steeleye Span’s I had only been listening to music closely for one or two another listen. years at that time. My collection was growing fast, but as [[Fans will be surprised to hear your dismissal of the “Yorkie quickly as I was addling albums by The Beatles, Pink Floyd accent” - the abovementioned “Cam Ye O’er...” is in Scots and , I was adding Steeleye Span. dialect, for example. I always thought the cadences were I didn’t like all of the songs, naturally. Some were rather too considered “Old English”, up to a point. Also Maddy Prior, much as they had probably sounded in 1742 – or whenever. born a Lancastrian, would undoubtedly be surprised and Tame, slow, harmonic, context murky. It didn’t help that of probably well offended by that characterisation. She did all the albums I bought, only “” had printed move to my home county of Hertfordshire in her teens, lyrics. Was somebody under the impression that a Yorkshire though (St. Albans, in fact), but since she’s about 10½ years accent was a form of English? To this day, I have the only the older than me, I never had the chance to slip her a length, vaguest notion of what some of my favourite songs are something I was highly desirous of doing...]] about. I live in dread that one might turn out embarrassing – Despite changing tastes, though, I still cannot stand “Elf a passionate plea by some Irishman that all the English die Call” or “700 Elves.” Maybe its something about elves that of the plague, maybe. Or that cats belong to the devil and touches a nerve. I view “The Wee Wee Man” with deep should be killed on sight. They weren’t pretty times… suspicion also… ever since Bob Wilson made a joke about [[Cats should probably be killed on sight anyway on general the “Weewee Man.” principles (sorry, ailurophiles), but many of Steeleye’s songs Among my many favourites were “Fighting For Strangers,” are, as I pointed out, rather dark & nasty, “Cam Ye O’er Frae “Rag Doll,” The Drunkard,” “London,” “The Twelve France”, for example, is a rude Highlander dig against the Witches,” “Rogues in a Nation,” “The Weaver and the then King George. Most of the lyrics can be found these days Factory Maid,” “Sheep-Crook and Black Dog,” and with a Google search...]] “Gaudete.” I liked the story behind “Alison Gross” so much After their live album I tried buying in reverse order, and I stole it for a piece of faanish fiction back around 1986, and acquired “,” and “Hark! The Village the vocalization of “Cam Ye O’er Frae France” is the Wait.” There were two or three songs on each that caught my standard I use (sans accent) for the voice of Saara Mar. That’s fancy, but neither album was ever a favourite. Much later, I about as much of a tribute as I’ve ever given to any pop bought a used copy of a CD – “.” Nothing on it band. appealed to me at all, for some reason. As for what I listen to today, that might be anything from The band had broken up and the performers gone on to Tom Waits to Duke Ellington, from Louis Armstrong to separate solo careers, so I lost touch completely. Blondie… even favourites from Fraggle Rock to Danny Once I got a pair of speakers for my computer, and it became Elfman’s “Nightmare Before Christmas.” Just don’t ask me convenient to listen to music while working, just by popping to listen to “Respect” being spelled out one more time. a disk into a drive, I began collecting music again. My [[But what about T-R-O-U-B-L-E? Nighthawks version, interest in Steeleye Span was re-awakened at some point. naturally...]] But, I discovered that nobody ever seemed to sell their [[2019 update: and, of course, the more recent fannish song albums. After years of looking, I still hadn’t found any used parody D-E-G-L-E-R (BEAM #11)...]] CDs. Whether this was because no-one could bear to part ✻ ✻ ✻ with their copies, or because the band was plain out of fashion, I didn’t know. There were sometimes albums in the From: [email protected] stores, new, but with those prices, Steeleye Span couldn’t have been popular any more. Facing sticker prices over $25 May 5 for each album, I finally turned to the internet. To this day, Uncle Johnny writes: the pirate copies I have are the ones I play on the computer. Just to let you know I did read the on-line ish - I can only [[Arrest that man!...]] sympathise with all your vexations, read your interview I prefer to be honest, but I don’t like being screwed either. with Sean with raised eyebrows, make disgusted noises at your music choices, and pass over the the wrestling with Oddly, I find that the Steeleye Span that I used to like most incomprehension. But at least you know I have read it, and it has worn a little thin. It seems too loud, raucous, even being purely electronic did not consign it to the unread abrasive at times, and that Yorkie accent surely belongs in a folder all those issues of Drink Tank go to. museum with loom shuttles, battledores and loblollies? To

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[[Why the raised eyebrows over the interview? “At least I and obviously heavily involved due to first wife ect (whose read it” being a central tenet of IAATB (qv Corflu Boston name was Kim Knight, then Farey, then Knight again later), GoH speech, 2001), I can only express my humble gratitude, I had more or less defined tasks like doing the teck and the Unc...]] con book. Somewhere round here I still have the souvenir ✻ ✻ ✻ books, and all being well may even find one to scan the cover of before thish hits the virtual racks...]] From: mark.fi[email protected] Part of the reason for doubting is that I got no real flash of May 8 recognition from the place, no sense of revisiting old turf. I'm sure it's been remodeled since, perhaps multiple times, and Mark Plummer writes: modern hotels are often pretty generic but in particular I I wonder whether some of those who write letters to This remember it having its own cinema and if it really is the Here... work in a carefully crafted phrase in the hope that it same place then the cinema has vanished some time in the will be yanked out of context and parked on the front page, intermediate 25 years. Honestly, you ignore a place for a thus getting their name just under the title. quarter century and look what happens. [[I’m guessing that your effort at this might be the later [[Although the facilities were reckoned well good (top notch phrase “remarkably drink-sozzled”, unless you were in the country, though I’m not sure I remember a cinema) the thinking of BEAM. As you will by now have seen, Taral gets Metropole didn’t really have a lot of character to it, unlike the nod this time...]] the mostly unlamented Liverpool Adelphi, which probably Any new issue of This Here... is certainly welcome, even had too much with its cast of wandering light-fingered though it comes with the implication -- usually fully scallies, so I’m not that surprised vivid memories didn’t documented -- of some kind of Farey Catastrophe involving come flooding back. “Generic” is probably a fair description, money, employment, property, family, pets or just about though worth remembering it was, as I said, about state-of- anything really. You are the living embodiment of the the-art for its time...]] maxim: oh well, at least I can get a fan article about this. I went to that UFP with my then flatmate John Waggott, not Reading Lloyd Penney's mention of your common shared because I was a fan of the show in anything but the most background amongst the Trekkies reminds me that I recently general way but because it was a place to hang out and party revisited the place of our first meeting. Not that it was a for a weekend, and to do so relatively cheaply as I wasn't pilgrimage, you understand, and I use the word “meeting” doing anything so extravagant as booking a room. I don't loosely I as I think I knew who you were but I don't think really know why it is that I even knew of or remembered there's any reason why you would have known me and I your involvement. It was probably something to do with don't think we actually met in the conventional sense. But Phil Pott, who I then knew quite well and saw quite still. frequently (saw him just last Thursday too, in fact), and who The Birmingham NEC Metropole (now a Hilton) was the I think knew you too. I don't believe you and I met that venue for this year's Eastercon and I'm pretty sure it also weekend, although it's not out of the question; it's just that I played host to the 1986 UFPcon which you co-ran with your don't remember for sure. I do have a memory of seeing you first wife, who's name I'm afraid completely escapes me. At on stage in that cinema playing something on the keyboard least I think that was the hotel. I've just written something to in a cabaret. Funny the things that stick in the mind. Setting Journey Planet about it and so there may be a degree of aside the Paris Years I don't think I actually met you until a repetition here, but I was rather surprised that, while I BSFA meeting a couple of years later or maybe it was that accept that it was a pre-internet era event, I can't find any remarkably drink-sozzled Picocon about 1989 or 1990, but sort of confirmation of the date and venue online anywhere that UFP means there is some sense in which we have now and it was either below Ansible's radar or outside its sphere known one another for twenty-five years -- which is just of interest as it doesn't appear in any of its upcoming what you've been saying for the last decade. See, it comes conventions listings. I've become sufficiently curious about true eventually. this now that I'm even prepared to investigate offline sources [[35 years now, shurely? By “Phil Pott”, you are referring to and have just stirred myself to move a few feet to the right Grandad John, whom I met at the First Thursday meets in and ferret around behind the sofabed for the back-issue files the early 80s? I thought he was dead? We actually knew of Matrix and, nope, it's not listed there either. So I am each other pretty well, to the extent that he has (had?) a entirely reliant on my memory -- or perhaps yours. Was that fairly decent store of Farey anecdotes, possibly the most in fact the hotel in question? famous being the recurring theme of “Nic Farey stole my bird”. He was also one of the MCs at the last Trek con [[I can confirm that it was, in fact UFP Cons were held there in ’86, ’88 and ’91, and a SOL III in ’92, I do believe. “Co- (Holodeck) I ran in the UK before my immediate departure ran” isn’t exactly right, although I was on the committee across the pond. My real first recollection of you is from

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BSFA meetings, at the time when “Arrers” was being they’re nice people and I’d do the same in their position. But published on a more or less regular schedule, and your I do notice not having the money, and unlike the paid work diffident embarrassment at having a zine thrust upon you my equally unthrilling voluntary work seems to expanding with none of your own to trade. I also recall a stint on the into more of my time, not less, as life becomes more difficult ‘Friends of Foundation’ committee, and knowing that I’d be for everyone. Sorry I can’t seem to be witty or entertaining leaving, recommending you to Clute as someone who should about this. take my place. Ran into him several years later, possibly at [[It’s tough to see a silver lining anywhere, that’s fer sure. I BucConeer in Baltimore, where I went up and said hello and generally dislike writing about how shite things are all the he gave every indication of having no idea who I was, time (despite the contention by Unc, Sainted Plummer & despite the fact we’d served on that committee together for a others that following my life stories has a train-wreck couple of years...]] fascination to it), even though times are tough, I try to find [[2019 update: the venerable John Philpott wasn‘t dead then, some humor in it all, even if of the grim kind...]] and in fact continues to exist. I also recall describing the “Commoner’s Crown” – good revisit there. Recently found then shy and retiring Sainted Plummer as “not having a pot a Maddy Prior solo best-of collection on cassette, to trade or a zine to piss in”...]] “Memento,” and promptly bought it to play while my I've tried not to have much of a position on the question of technology still works. Uncommercial but not bad at all in a smoking in public places -- John Nielsen Hall's letter -- which pop-folk way, mostly written by MP and/or husband Rick is mostly because I'm an ex-smoker and when I quit I always Kemp, with a commendably wide range from the extremely felt I didn't want to become one of those militant non- facetious (Accappella Stella) to the mildly bleak (Mother and smoking ex-smokers telling everybody else what they should Child.) Despite being nominally solo, there are two do. That and the fact that it hardly matters to anybody else collaborations from the “Silly Sisters” joint album with June what my position is. It's astonishing, though, how quickly Tabor (The Grey Funnel Line, and Doffin’ Mistress) and these the idea of smoking in pubs has become pretty much two are probably my favourites, although as with much unimaginable. The ban was introduced in Scotland in March English “folk” the vocal blend is a bit alarming at first. I 2006, just before that year's Eastercon which happened to be have to say that almost all the poppy ingredients hurtled in Glasgow. I remember a friend subconsciously lighting up past their sell-by dates long ago. Well worth the 50p from in the hotel as a half a dozen people looked on in horror, me, though – and even if dated it’s still a worthy showcase of unclear whether it was simple forgetfulness or an act or talent. deliberate rebellion (it was the former), and new friendships [[Back in those long-ago days when I was at the LSE, and on forming amongst the smokers gathered in doorways, people the Ents committee, we got June Tabor booked for a gig, and who'd been little more than acquaintances for years now not too surprisingly Maddy showed up and duetted on a united in adversity. couple of songs. I can’t remember much on details though, But now I look at our local, a small, single bar pub where I probably due to being consumed with lust at the time...]] remember there being a reasonably high percentage of That’s it for now, but nice to see you back. Hope you feel a smokers amongst the clientèle. And I imagine some science warm glow of achievement, if that’s not too old-fashioned an fictional device whereby on a moderately crowded weekend idea these days. (I’ve become an OAP since your previous evening I am transported back to a comparable time in, say, issue. A milestone which everyone should put off as long as 2005. I'm sure I'd wonder how the hell I ever stood it. possible.) ✻ ✻ ✻ As for them making better firebricks in those days, sure they did. Housebricks too; the local brickworks in Carmarthen From: [email protected] made specially hard bricks to withstand the local climate. May 13 (“Wales – not always raining!”) People made better beehives David Redd writes: too. These days you can buy on the internet a terrifically superior new modern-design plastic beehive great in every No, in the financial and house-owning sectors, only the respect except one: it’s useless for bees. Get an old wooden already well-off have been making money. The little box they can actually live in. Sir Arthur C of Clarke wrote a bungalow we bought and moved into three days before classic short story about modern Superiority, but nobody Meriel died has probably lost about £20,000 in value since remembers that these days, any more than they remember July 2009; a pretty poor date to move in your area too, I how to make decent bricks. gather. My income March 2010 – April 2011 dropped around 30% as the family firm which employed me pulled back its ✻ ✻ ✻ outwork from non-related staff (me) to the proprietor’s daughter. No, I don’t have a problem with them over that;

THIS HERE... 11 THIS HERE... #16 From: [email protected] From: 58 Pennington, Orton Goldhay, May 15 Peterborough PE2 5RB David Langford writes: (Received) May 16 Aged memory cells stir to life: “Old Scrotum Cardinal Cox writes: the wrinkled retainer” definitely appeared Flicking through This Here... #15 while waiting long before Sir Henry at Rawlinson End (radio for pizza to cook [...] 1970s, film 1980). Here, suspiciously close to Ageless beauties? Carol Vorderman. (You will hand, is my copy of H. Montgomery Hyde's A probably have to Google her, having been out History of Pornography (1964): of the UK for so long). It is noteworthy that Gilbert and Sullivan [[Not at all Pete, I remember Carol well, and in also treated the subject [homosexuality] fact had invited her to be the science guest at a with characteristic humour in an obscene con back in the early 90s, but it didn’t work opera they composed, The Sod's Opera [...] with her schedule. She’s still a bit young to be The characters in The Sod's Opera included “ageless”, mind - younger than me, in fact. Ta Count Tostoff; the Brothers Bollox, ‘a pair for the poetry books! And I’ll always think of of hangers on’; and Scrotum, ‘a wrinkled old retainer’. you in that Thomas the Tank Engine coat...]] Unlike Sodom, this work was not performed at court; ✻ ✻ ✻ but, according to Mr St John-Stevas*, for many years a copy was kept in the guard room at St James's Palace in From: [email protected] London. May 17 There's a lot of skepticism about the credit to Gilbert and Sullivan. Other sources give “Count Tostov, a ruined Pole”, Pamela Boal writes: who also features as “Toby Tostoff, a ruined Pole” in the cast Oh dear Nic, you have a bad habit of arriving when I am less list of “A Honeymoon In The Hand; or, Every Man His Own than well. It's amazing how ill in one's self and mentally Wife” -- also starring “Crab (a bushranger)” and “Medical befuddled a simple tooth abscess can make one. The dentist Dick and Medical Davy (two birds with one stone)” but not cheerfully tells me the tooth will have to come out which Old Scrotum -- as recited in the “Scylla and Charybdis” means my little denture will not fit any longer and it will chapter of James Joyce's Ulysses. So there you go. Who cost at least six hundred pounds to replace. invented what, and who stole what from whom, I dunno. Much as I appreciate receiving This Here... - and I truly do - Perhaps James Joyce was allowed a reverent viewing of The getting my fuzzy head around the matter of sending you a Sod's Opera in the guard room at St James's Palace. decent LoC is some thing else. Of course the time between *allegedly in Obscenity and the Law (1956), note on page 189. But I issues could give me scope to delay writing but oh dear if I don't have a copy of that. do that This Here... could get buried amongst a pile of other [[One of your most admirable qualities, Dave, manifests unanswered mail, possibly be mislaid for months. No, you itself in people not knowing when you’re really taking the deserve at the very least an immediate thank you. So here is piss, since you have that all-knowing professorial mien. A a big THANK YOU. bit of research alighting on “A Dictionary of Slang and The LoCs and your replies are as interesting as usual. Unconventional English” gives a Services (RAF) usage for Though the most heart warming item is the interview with “Sod’s Opera”, referring to a drunken party, and cites the your son. It is so good that you could talk so amicably and G&S as “mythical” and “slanderously attributed”. It also well done his mother in allowing him to grow up in a cites “The Bugger’s Opera”, which seemingly only exists in fashion that allowed him to do that. RAF lore as a list of rather similar dramatis personae: Forgive a LoC that is mostly about why I can't write a LoC. I “Penis, the Count (a young upstart); Test and Ickles (hangers will do better next time ...promise. on to the Count); Anus (a little brown fellow, usually tight) and [inevitably] Scrotum (an aged and wrinkled retainer)” [[I sympathize with the tooth problems, something I deal with on a pretty regular basis these days, but needless to say I’m trying to remember if I ever heard my father, who was in healthcare-challenged America I can’t afford to have ex-RAF from the Second One, use the term, and I have a anything done about it. Looking on the brightish side, I vague recollection that I might have, when he could have expect these problems to dwindle over time as I become the been referring to what was also called a “right shower”...]] possessor of less and less actual teeth...]] [[2019 update: tooth count is zero...]] ✻ ✻ ✻ ✻ ✻ ✻

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From: [email protected] refused to log me in. At that point there seemed little else to May 20 do than scrub, disinfect and completely reload it. So, I thought I'd take the opportunity to try Ubuntu, since I had a Lloyd Penney writes: DVD of the latest version. Big mistake. It worked beautifully This Here… #15 is beside me, and it’s been a tiring week, but once, just long enough for me to spend a whole afternoon at least a long weekend is here. So much time has to be spent setting up accounts and rebuilding all my network and trying to make a living. Believe me, I sympathize because I email links and address lists. am there. Then the next time I restarted the bugger just went into a Are you getting nagged to get the next issue out? I do look continuous loop at the start screen, and wouldn't ever let me forward to the next issue of just about any fanzine that get past the sign on screen. After half a dozen reboots like comes my way, but I know that fanac competes with life, and this (I don't learn easily) I just gave up in frustration and fanac usually loses, as it should be. reinstalled Windows. Shame - in the brief hours I actually Greetings to Sean! What Facebook did for you, it did for me. had Ubuntu running I discovered an excellent MIDI It got me in touch with many cousins and aunts and uncles recording program, Rosegarden, that worked with my I’d lost touch with. Found out so much about them while Yamaha keyboard. Unfortunately, it seems to be Linux only. gone…I hope you’ll have the chance to get acquainted with I've not found a version for Windows. (I'm using something yer dad a little closer than Facebook. called Anvil instead, or programming my own sequencer/ recorder/drumbox using a couple of open source MIDI Rasslin’…you probably know what I know right now… drivers.) Macho Man Randy Savage was killed in a car accident in Florida earlier today or yesterday, can’t remember. RIP, and Then my work laptop died last week. All in all, I seem to we know we’re getting older when our friends, have spent as much time maintaining/rebuilding the things acquaintances and familiar names and faces start dying. as I do using them. Who said technology would make our lives easier? Good to see Sue Jones again, and continued getting better to you. That goes for health and finances. It is getting tougher and tougher to make a living, and we’re getting worried. Yvonne and I announced that after 30 years of running and/ or working conventions, we were done. You can only do it for so long, and already, we’re catching flak for it, and to be honest, We. Don’t. Care. We’ve done our bit, and are willing to stand the prickles of the laurels as we rest upon them. Also, I have received an Aurora Award nomination in the category of Best Fan (other) for writing for fanzines. We will find out who gets the pointy trophies at SFContario, a local convention, in November. My eyes are hurting, so I am going to wrap it up and fire it off to you. Good to see the zine return, and don’t let it be another year, okay? ✻ ✻ ✻

From: [email protected] June 12 Steve Jeffery writes: Have you changed your email, or is its absence from my address list a consequence of the fact that, like Sheryl B, I have - as of last week - now killed both my computers? [[I don’t think it’s changed since the last time we corresponded mate - I’m pretty sure you were aware of the inadmissibility of the .mac addys...]] My home PC suffered a major trojan incursion about a month ago, and started putting so many files and programs into quarantine that it became unusable after a day. Then it

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I come to Like Father, Like Son from a different perspective. company dickheads; good job I stuck with my vinyl for this When I was 9 or 10, my parents divorced and my mother particular band, then. remarried. We moved to Kent and I lost touch with my father I locced #13 but can’t trace a copy of #14, so dunno what for years. Until I graduated, got a job, and moved to West happened there. From comments in the lettercol here, I London, where I tracked him down. It wasn't an unqualified seemed to have missed some key stuff. Like – you’re trying success as a family reunion. He'd remarried and she didn't to give up smoking? Good on yer, matey – you’ll be able to seem to take to any of his old friends/family. put out many more issues of BEAM with the money you Things lapsed, and we lost touch again for years. Until a save. And on that very subject - BEAM costs $1000 per ish? couple of Christmases back, when my mum passed me a Strewth, and I thought my zine was expensive! I cast my note he'd written, with his address and phone number, and eyes over a printed copy of BEAM #3 (I’m pretty sure it was said it was up to me what I did with it, but she didn't want to #3) while visiting Rob Jackson at his family cottage in the get involved. Lake District recently, and it looked mighty fine. I must get After thinking about it (at this point I hadn't heard of or hold of the pdf, though I might not print it. thought of him for for 30 years), I did get in touch. We're in [[I had a quick look at #14 on efanzines, and you indeed contact again, and after some initial hesitancy have settled have a loc in there - I dunno where you got the bit about me into a routine phone call or email once every Sunday. He giving up smoking, since I’m still puffing away at the cigs hints about seeing me (his wife has since died, but only after like billy-o, no change there. Yeah, the first two issues of managing to isolate him from all his former family and BEAM cost about a grand each to print and distribute, what friends), but I still don't know how comfortable I am with with the card color covers and all, quite a lot of copies. The that. usual sterling service by the Sainted Plummer saved me a bit Not sure where I going with this, but I suspect the gist might by printing and distributing for me to UK and Europe, but it be to advise you not to try to push things. Let Sean dictate still came out a bundle, hence #3, which as you know I was the pace and how far he wants things to proceed. The fact he nagged into finishing, was pdf only, as will likely all be searched you out is a good start. henceforth. #4 is slated for November 2011, if Charnock gets his bit done on time...]] [[Well, Sean & I usually end up having a chat on fucking bloody Facebook most days, fairly banally in the sense that And then I see it. The blunder. The cockup of catastrophic it’s just of the chitchat variety, although as he noted earlier, proportions. Can this indeed be a fanzine from the great Nic we do tend to talk as though we’ve known each other for Farey I’m reading, I ask myself. Hoping against hope, I check years, rather ignoring the substantial hiatus, and of course the cover, but alas, indeed it is. How can ace faned Farey, at 28 years old & being my son, he’s more than capable of megapublisher of numerous titles, some of them costing taking the piss out of the old man...]] zillions of dollars per ish, be responsible for such an elemental error, wonders my puzzled brain. Shall I tell him ✻ ✻ ✻ now, or shall I spin this out for a few more lines? From: [email protected] No, keep going Mike, you’re doing great. It calls to mind that old sf story by Ralph Milne Farey, one of your ancestors I August 3 suppose, now I come to think of it, from the Septober Mike Meara writes: nineteen thirty-squinge issue of UNFEASIBLE TALES OF Okay, I know you still fuckin’ ‘ate me, and I have the teeth PSEUDOSCIENCE if I recall correctly, entitled “Fuckwits Of marks on my leg to prove it, but nonetheless, here I come, The Ultravoid”. Remember it now? Starting to see where I’m limping back to the keyboard to write you a loc on your coming from? Yes, indeedy. If only you had a time machine, fanzine. like in those old stories of yore, you could go back and undo What a guy, I can hear you say. How could I have misjudged the awful deed. But it is not to be. Your fate is sealed. Your him so? fannish reputation lies entombed forever in the black, slimy pits of primeval, er, slime. It started simply, like these things I always think of you as a pretty cool dude, so it was a bit of so often do, with a fine illo by Brad Foster on page ten, a surprise to find a review of an old album by uncool (to captioned “The Enigmatic Moonhead”. And indeed, on the most people these days, I would have thought) Steeleye Span very same page, is a loc from that same nice Mr Foster. early within the pages of THIS HERE… #15. But I needn’t Which is nice, but insufficient. Where, we ask, is the loc from have worried. “…bloke knobs bird and fucks off…” is Uncle John “Moonhead” Hall? Is it also on this page, as any probably not the kind of review one would find in The halfway intelligent person would expect? No, it is not. It is Guardian. Or even The Independent. The fact that Sellers’ on page fuckin’ thirteen, is where it is. And fourteen. The Bloodnok bit was cut from the CD version of “New York Fuckwittian word “D’oh!” hardly begins to express the sheer Girls” is news to me, and bad news to anyone except record scale of this tragedy of the printed word.

14 THIS HERE... THIS HERE... #16

Perhaps I have over-reacted? No, I don’t think so. Anyway, do try and get it right next time Farey, there’s a good chap. INDULGE ME [[Well, you nitpicking bastard, since this is the first time I’ve ✔ One great thing about Vegas is that, since it’s a heard the appellation “Moonhead” applied to Unc, I service-based town, most of the shops tend to be pretty wouldn’t have known, now would I. So if he’s “Moonhead”, friendly, especially if you’re a frequent visitor to them. This is then whose arse does the sun shine out of? I’m probably typified by the Indian (or Pakistani?) bloke who runs my gonna be sorry I asked that...}} local smoke shop, as in the other day when I go in with a Wiping a trufannish tear from my eye, I move on to happier canload of change, including $1.50 in pennies, enough for things. The old-style Mini Clubman which you picture so just the one pack of cigs, and he doesn’t even bother to count well on page eleven was indeed a splendid vehicle in some it. respects. Back around that time, when Pat and I were both working and were for a while a two-car family – a goodish ✔ An excellent remark from Chris Matthews at the end one for me, a clapped-out wreck for her – she had one in a of his Hardball show the other day; he was positing questions superb shade of purple, resprayed natch. It drove like a he might ask of the Republican presidential candidates dream, when it went, which was far from all the time. Good during their ridiculously early debate to be held that night ol’ British Ley-Line – but the magic went away, and the and, of course, televised by Faux News. The jaw-dropping current BMW implementation is a bloated travesty. standout for me was: “Do you believe that abortion should [[My old Clubman got hit in the side by a taxi who I swear be illegal, and if it is illegal what should be the punishment?” bombed through a red light - I had a bird in the car too, but 2019 update: thanks to Alabama, we now know that the fortunately we were both just shaken up. The vehicle was answer is 99 years; also, presumably in the interests of a limp dinged in to such an extent that one of the wheels wouldn’t rather than a hard Brexit, the UK is attempting to ban turn, but we got around that by taking it off and actually wanking. putting it on backwards...]] ✔ I’ve come to think that an excellent test of a person’s Lots of other good stuff in the loccol, but I find that, like the suitability for friendship is whether or not they like Foghorn Clubman, I’ve run out of steam. Leghorn. I’m sixty-three, you know. I’ve read a whole bunch of zines ✔ while I’ve been over here in France again, but locced only Q: What’s the difference between a pig and a fox? some of ‘em. I find that there are zines I’m comfortable with, A: about ten beers... that I can sink into like a comfy old armchair, and others that ✔ Mary had a little dress, its skirt was split in half, just make me fidget. THIS HERE… is one of the former, so I And every step that Mary took, the boys could see hope this is enough to keep me on your mailing list. her calf. See you in Vegas! Mary had another dress, split up high in front, WAHF But she rarely wore that one... Sean Carey (via Facebook), “Niceee, I’ve read a huge chunk ✔ Sure, Lichtman, print this out and fold it over and but will have to sit down and read it all soon. Looks good mail it to yourself. It’ll be just like the old days. tho!!”; Jim Linwood (via Facebook), “A good read, thanks Nic!”; Sarah Mooring ; Jim Mowatt (via Facebook), “I enjoyed the semi-gratuitous pics of Raquel Welch and Sophia MIRANDA Loren”; THIS HERE... is (mostly) written, edited and produced by: Nic Farey, published on efanzines.com by the Grace of Burns. Locs & that to: 2657 Rungsted Street, Las Vegas NV 89142, or Email [email protected] Art credit this issue: Steve Jeffery (p13), apparently the first cartoon he’s done in ten years. Honored, mate...

“No reason to get excited, the thief he kindly spoke. There are some among us here say that life is just a joke.”

THIS HERE... 15 THIS HERE... #16 ERE... H HIS 2657 Rungsted Street ! T Las Vegas, 89142 NV USA

16 THIS HERE...