Who's Your Baghdaddy? (Performance Script As of 9-30-15)
Total Page:16
File Type:pdf, Size:1020Kb
Who's Your Baghdaddy? (Performance Script as of 9-30-15) Who’s Your Baghdaddy? or how i started the iraq war a true story with liberties. Music and Book Lyrics and Book Marshall Pailet A.D. Penedo Contact: Di Glazer ICM Partners [email protected] 212.556.6820 Copyright © by Pailet & Penedo Who's Your Baghdaddy? (Performance Script as of 9-30-15) CAST OF CHARACTERS Martin Bouchard (50’s - 60’s) - Used to be a bigwig intelligence guy, now has fallen down several rungs on the ladder. Intelligent, but sometimes shortsighted in his quest to reclaim past glory. Bari-tenor. Richart Becker (20’s) - A German junior interrogator. Young, ambitious, not as cool as he thinks. Looking for a friend. Tenor. Curveball (30’s) - An Iraqi defector, and the only eyewitness source supporting the claim that Iraq had biological weapons of mass destruction. Enchanting, manipulative, unpredictable with a wild side. Tenor. Tyler Nelson (40’s) - CIA operative, bureaucrat and consummate company man. Doesn’t like to ruffle feathers. Holier than thou. Bari-tenor. Berry Stanton (late 20’s) - CIA analyst. Smart, abrasive, with minimal people skills. Mezzo-Soprano with belt. Jerry Samuel (late 20’s) - CIA analyst and super geek. Socially awkward with a strong moral code for the most part. Tenor. Leader of the Support Group/Male Ensemble (Any adult age) - Facilitates support group session. To play many parts. Great comedian. Tenor. Female Ensemble Member - To play many parts. Great comedian. Soprano. LOCATION Support Group for Starters of Iraq War; CIA - Langley, VA; BND (German CIA equivalent) - Berlin; Northern Iraq. TIME 2001-2004. Copyright © by Pailet & Penedo Who's Your Baghdaddy? (Performance Script as of 9-30-15) I-1 ACT I (The audience walks into a support group. Maybe there’s a table with wine and cheese. The whole environment is very casual. A band plays music in the corner of the room. There are no programs, no indication that this is anything other than a support group meeting. When it’s time to start the show, the LEADER gets everyone together and tells them the basics: the event will be about 2 hours, we’ll have a 10 minute break in the middle, no cell phones. There are a lot of new faces here. Does one of the regulars want to get us started?) BERRY I’ll go. LEADER Great. BERRY I’m Berry and I started the Iraq War. ALL Hi, Berry. LEADER And what do you do, Berry? BERRY You know what I do. LEADER For the group? BERRY I’m a CIA analyst. LEADER And do you ever blame yourself, Berry? BERRY I shouldn’t have to blame myself. We were gonna invade either way - if it hadn’t been me they would’ve used some other cog. Who's Your Baghdaddy? (Performance Script as of 9-30-15) I-2 SPIRITUAL WOMAN (Meaningfully) Sometimes, only by turning the eyes inward can the inward self look upon the outward self... with acceptance. (Meaningful nods and groans from the group.) LEADER Okay, who else? Richart? RICHART (Wasn’t paying attention previously) Yeah. I’m Richart. LEADER And what did you do, Richart? RICHART Oh, I started the Iraq War. ALL Hi, Richart. LEADER And what’s your occupation, Richart? RICHART I’m an interrogator for the Germans. I’m German by the way, for those who couldn’t tell by the accent. (He has no accent.) BERRY What accident? RICHART Accent, accent, my German accent. LEADER And do you blame yourself, Richart? RICHART No. I mean. I don’t think I should. LEADER You still drinking though? Copyright © by Pailet & Penedo Who's Your Baghdaddy? (Performance Script as of 9-30-15) I-3 RICHART Oh, yeah, all the time. LEADER Good, keep it up. SPIRITUAL WOMAN (Meaningfully) If you learn to love your flaws, then perhaps you can someday learn to love... love. (Meaningful nods and groans from the group.) LEADER And... let’s see. Nelson, you wanna introduce yourself to the new faces? NELSON (Sigh) I’m Nelson. LEADER And what did you do, Nelson? NELSON Everything I could. LEADER Uh huh, and did you... (NELSON shrugs.) Is there anything you... started? Like maybe a... certain... international conflagration...? NELSON I still don’t think I did really. BERRY Denial. LEADER No, none of that, please. Nelson will come around in his own time. (NELSON sighs.) Copyright © by Pailet & Penedo Who's Your Baghdaddy? (Performance Script as of 9-30-15) I-4 SPIRITUAL WOMAN Today is the first day... (The SUPPORT GROUP is waiting for her to finish her thought, when it becomes clear that her thought is already complete.) LEADER Absolutely. Nelson, do you want to lead us in the pledge? NELSON I do not. LEADER Okay, well do you want to reconsider that? NELSON I do not. LEADER Okay, I think you know it’s in your best interest to participate. NELSON Ugh. LEADER (Continuous) So why don’t we try today, if we can. (Beat) Do you want to lead us in the pledge? NELSON So bad. LEADER Okay. NELSON I CAN RUN, BUT NEVER FROM MY HEART. CAN’T DENY WHAT IT KNOWS IS TRUE. NELSON, RICHART I CAN HIDE, BUT NEVER FROM MY HEART. CAN’T DEFY WHAT IT HOLDS ME TO. Copyright © by Pailet & Penedo Who's Your Baghdaddy? (Performance Script as of 9-30-15) I-5 NELSON, RICHART, BERRY BUT IF I FACE THE BLAME THEN GRACE WILL SET ME FREE. ALL IN MY DARKEST HOUR PEACE WILL COME TO ME. IN MY DARKEST HOUR IF I TURN, FACE THE BLAME, THEN PEACE AT LAST WILL COME TO ME. (MARTIN BOUCHARD walks into the support group, clutching his cellphone. HE takes his seat, but does not join in song.) LEADER Martin, it’s good to see you, as always. No cellphones, please. BOUCHARD (Putting away his cellphone) I’m Martin I started the Iraq War. ALL Hi, Martin. LEADER Now, we know you’re not big into the talking, but tell us if you can: do you blame yourself? (No answer) Do you blame yourself, Martin? (No answer) Martin? (No answer) Martin? (Suddenly we’re in BOUCHARD’s head, where he’s looking back to his time at the CIA in the summer of 2001. BOUCHARD sits in front of his computer, talking to his boss, NELSON, who is holding a clipboard. A cool beat plays.) Copyright © by Pailet & Penedo Who's Your Baghdaddy? (Performance Script as of 9-30-15) I-6 ALL (To the audience) How Martin started the Iraq War. BOUCHARD (Spoken rhythmically) I HAVE AN OPPORTUNITY. NELSON (Spoken rhythmically) WHAT? BOUCHARD THE U.N. SPECIAL COMMISSION, WANTS TO PUBLISH ME ON THE WEB. NELSON PUBLISH WHAT? BOUCHARD MY COMPENDIUM. NELSON OH GOD. BOUCHARD A DECADE OF RESEARCH. NELSON THEORIES. BOUCHARD THEORIES, YES, BASED ON RESEARCH. GERM WEAPONS. SADDAM HUSSEIN HAS LOADS. GERMS, THE BAD STUFF, ANTHRAX AND CLOSTRIDIUM BOTULINUM. SADDAM HAS CLOSTRIDIUM BOTULINUM, MAN, THOSE ARE JUST THE FACTS. NELSON THEORIES. BOUCHARD THEORIES, YES, BASED ON FACTS. Copyright © by Pailet & Penedo Who's Your Baghdaddy? (Performance Script as of 9-30-15) I-7 NELSON Marty, this is the CIA. Nothing unsubstantiated goes public, not in my department. BOUCHARD But… NELSON (Sung) RULES MAKE UP OUR DAILY GRUEL EVEN WHEN THEY SEEM “UNCOOL” PAY THEM HEED OR PLAY THE FOOL. BRING ME PROOF, AND THEN “RAISE THE ROOF” YOU CAN SEND YOUR COMPENDIUM, YAY! BUT BRING ME PROOF. BOUCHARD (Spoken rhythmically) TELL ME YOU DON’T THINK SADDAM HAS ‘EM. TELL ME AND I’LL DROP IT. NELSON (Spoken rhythmically) COURSE I THINK SO, WE ALL THINK SO, BUT THAT’S NOT HARD PROOF. BOUCHARD CHIEF U.N. WEAPONS INSPECTOR, I, I WAS THE CHIEF INSPECTOR OF THE WORLD! NELSON OKAY. STILL NOT PROOF. BOUCHARD THEY BUMPED ME DOWN TO ONE DAY A WEEK! NELSON I KNOW. BOUCHARD ME. ONE DAY A WEEK. NELSON AND I’M SORRY, BUT THAT’S STILL NOT PROOF. (BOUCHARD deflates.) Copyright © by Pailet & Penedo Who's Your Baghdaddy? (Performance Script as of 9-30-15) I-8 NELSON (CONT’D) Do you really want your unsubstantiated theories up on the web, disguised as fact, for the whole world to see? Come on, Marty. That’s not what the internet is for. BOUCHARD They bumped me down to one day a week. Me. I was the U.N. Chief Weapons Inspector. NELSON (Sung softly, pityingly) THE RULES YOU BREAK WILL EXACT THEIR TAKE WE ALL HARVEST WHAT WE SOW… (NELSON indicates to his clipboard.) BOUCHARD Thin mints. NELSON (The reason he was in the office in the first place) One box or two. BOUCHARD Obviously two. (NELSON exits.) BOUCHARD God, everything is the worst. Wonder what the news has to say: (BOUCHARD turns on the television, A NEWS REPORTER appears.) NEWS REPORTER This just in: everything is the worst. Yes, it’s April 3rd, 2001, and a series of tragedies has forced us to reconsider what it means to truly suffer. Napster shut down, shark attacks at an all-time high, and now we’ve received word of the untimely demise of a beloved national icon. BOUCHARD Not Baywatch. Copyright © by Pailet & Penedo Who's Your Baghdaddy? (Performance Script as of 9-30-15) I-9 NEWS REPORTER It’s Baywatch. BOUCHARD No, God! NEWS REPORTER Yes, it’s April 3rd, 2001, and the world deserves better. So why not just open up that computer, Marty? (BOUCHARD is puzzled.) Open it up. (BOUCHARD opens up his computer.) Now, why not just send that compendium, Marty? The world deserves it.