Who's Your Baghdaddy? (3.27.14)

Home , Baghdaddy, Curveball (informant), I Deserve It

Who’s Your Baghdaddy? or how i started the iraq war

a true story with liberties.

Music and Book Lyrics and Book Marshall Pailet A.D. Penedo

Contact: Di Glazer ICM Partners [email protected] 212.556.6820

CAST OF CHARACTERS

Martin Bouchard (50’s - 60’s) - Used to be a bigwig intelligence guy, now has fallen down several rungs on the ladder. Intelligent, but sometimes shortsighted in his quest to reclaim past glory. Bari-tenor.

Richart Becker (20’s) - A German junior interrogator. Young, ambitious, not as cool as he thinks. Looking for a friend. Tenor.

Curveball (30’s) - An Iraqi defector, and the only source on the biological Weapons of Mass Destruction. Enchanting, manipulative, unpredictable with a wild side. Tenor.

Tyler Nelson (40’s) - CIA operative, bureaucrat and consummate company man. Doesn’t like to ruffle feathers. Holier than thou. Bari-tenor.

Berry Stanton (late 20’s) - CIA analyst. Smart, abrasive, with minimal people skills. Mezzo-Soprano with belt.

Jerry Samuel (late 20’s) - CIA analyst and super geek. Socially awkward with a strong moral code for the most part. Tenor.

Leader of the Support Group/Male Ensemble (Any adult age) - Facilitates support group session. Baritone.

Female Ensemble Member - To play many parts. Great comedian. Soprano.

Male Ensemble Member - To play many parts. Great comedian. Baritone/Tenor.

LOCATION Support Group for Starters of Iraq War; CIA - Langley, VA; BND (German CIA equivalent) - Berlin; Northern Iraq.

TIME 2001-2004.

ACT I

(The audience walks into a support group. Maybe there’s a table with wine and cheese. The whole environment is very casual. A band plays music in the corner of the room. There are no programs, no indication that this is anything other than a support group meeting. When it’s time to start the show, the LEADER gets everyone together and tells them the basics: the event will be about 2 hours, we’ll have a 10 minute break in the middle, no cell phones. There are a lot of new faces here. Does one of the regulars want to get us started?)

BERRY I’ll go.

LEADER Great.

BERRY I’m Berry and I started the Iraq War.

ALL Hi, Berry.

LEADER And what do you do, Berry?

ALL Um, a lot of suppressing, kind of burying my unendurable self-loathing under a veil of humor and forced literalism.

LEADER I mean, what do you do for a living?

BERRY Oh, I’m a CIA analyst.

LEADER And do you ever blame yourself, Berry?

BERRY I say no. Who's Your Baghdaddy? (3.27.14) I-2

SPIRITUAL WOMAN (Meaningfully) Sometimes, only by turning the eyes inward can the inward self look upon the outward self... with acceptance.

(Meaningful nods and groans from the group.)

LEADER Okay, who else? Richart?

RICHART (Wasn’t paying attention previously) Yeah. I’m Richart.

LEADER And what did you do, Richart?

RICHART Oh, I started the Iraq War.

ALL Hi, Richart.

LEADER And what’s your occupation, Richart?

RICHART I’m an interrogator for the Germans. I’m German by the way, for those who couldn’t tell by the accent.

(He has no accent.)

BERRY What accident?

RICHART Accent, accent, my German accent.

LEADER And do you blame yourself, Richart?

RICHART No. I mean. I don’t think I should.

LEADER You still drinking though?

RICHART Oh, yeah, all the time.

LEADER Good, keep it up.

SPIRITUAL WOMAN (Meaningfully) If you learn to love your flaws, then perhaps you can someday learn to love... love.

(Meaningful nods and groans from the group.)

LEADER And... let’s see. Nelson, you wanna introduce yourself to the new faces?

NELSON (Sigh) I’m Nelson.

LEADER And what did you do, Nelson?

NELSON Everything I could.

LEADER Uh huh, and did you...

(NELSON shrugs.)

Is there anything you... started? Like maybe a... certain... international conflict...?

NELSON I still don’t think I did really.

BERRY Denial.

LEADER No, none of that, please. Nelson will come around in his own time.

(NELSON sighs.)

SPIRITUAL WOMAN Today is the first day...

(The SUPPORT GROUP is waiting for her to finish her thought, when it becomes clear that her thought is already complete.)

LEADER Absolutely. Nelson, do you want to lead us in the pledge?

NELSON I do not.

LEADER Okay, well do you want to reconsider that?

NELSON I do not.

LEADER Okay, I think you know it’s in your best interest to participate.

NELSON Ugh.

LEADER (Continuous) So why don’t we try today, if we can. (Beat) Do you want to lead us in the pledge?

NELSON So bad.

LEADER Okay.

NELSON I CAN’T LIE TO HE WHO LIES WITHIN, CAN’T DENY WHAT HE KNOWS IS TRUE.

NELSON, RICHART I CAN’T FLY FROM HE WHO LIES WITHIN, CAN’T DEFY WHAT HE HOLDS ME TO.

NELSON, RICHART, BERRY BUT IF I FACE THE BLAME THEN HE/SHE SHALL SET ME FREE.

ALL IN MY DARKEST HOUR PEACE WILL COME TO ME. IN MY DARKEST HOUR IF I TURN, FACE THE BLAME, THEN PEACE AT LAST WILL COME TO ME.

(MARTIN BOUCHARD walks into the support group, clutching his cellphone. HE takes his seat, but does not join in song.)

LEADER Martin, it’s good to see you, as always. No cellphones, please.

BOUCHARD (Putting away his cellphone) I’m Martin I started the Iraq War.

ALL Hi, Martin.

LEADER Now, we know you’re not big into the talking, but tell us if you can: do you blame yourself? (No answer) Do you blame yourself, Martin? (No answer) Martin? (No answer) Martin?

(Suddenly we’re in BOUCHARD’s head, where he’s looking back to his time at the CIA in the summer of 2001. A projection reads: “How Martin Started the Iraq War.” BOUCHARD sits at his desk, which is the lone desk in a giant empty room. The office looks like an afterthought – a converted storage space. The Support Group has vanished, and now the actor who played the

LEADER has become Bouchard’s colleague, JON. BOUCHARD is talking quickly and animatedly, a far more loquacious man than the one we’ve just come to meet in the Support Group.)

JON Marty!

BOUCHARD I’m gonna send it.

JON Marty!

BOUCHARD (Overlapping) I’m gonna send it!

JON Marty, can you shut your mouth for the first time in your life and listen to reason.

BOUCHARD The “reason” is because there are seventeen tons of missing growth media in Iraq, completely unaccounted for, and the world needs to know.

JON No.

BOUCHARD Where does it go, you think? The development of germ warfare, perhaps? Anthrax, maybe with a dash of Clostridium Botulinum. Say it with me, Clostridium Botulinum. Again, Clostridium Botulinum.

JON If you send that Compendium to UNSCOM, they’ll publish it. On the web. For the whole world to see.

BOUCHARD Good.

JON Not good, because you have no proof. You have theories, but no hard proof that Iraq currently has Clostridium Botulinum and you know it.

BOUCHARD (Referring to himself) Strategic Weapons advisor to Reagan and Bush 41, how’s that for hard proof? Chief Weapons Inspector to the United Nations ’91 and ’92, that is Chief Weapons Inspector, how’s that for hard proof?

JON That’s not proof at all. It’s your résumé.

BOUCHARD They bumped me down to one day a week.

JON Still not proof.

BOUCHARD Me. One day a week.

JON And I’m sorry, but that’s still not proof. You can’t publish that Compendium.

BOUCHARD Whatever, I don’t need your permission.

JON Fine.

BOUCHARD I’m gonna send it.

JON Fine.

BOUCHARD I should, doncha think?

JON I don’t.

(BOUCHARD scoffs. JON puts a hand on Bouchard’s shoulder.)

JON (CONT’D) It’s been ten years with hardly a peep out of Saddam Hussein. No one cares about Iraq anymore. It’s time to move on.

BOUCHARD They bumped me down to one day a week. Me. I was the Chief Weapons Inspector.

JON (Gently) It’s time to move on, Marty.

(BOUCHARD is silent. JON picks up a stapler, the reason he’s in Bouchard’s office in the first place, holds it up in thanks, and exits. Music begins to play.)

BOUCHARD God, everything is the worst. Let’s see what the news has to say.

(BOUCHARD turns on the television, a NEWS REPORTER appears.)

NEWS REPORTER This just in: everything is the worst. Yes, it’s May 3rd, 2001, and a series of national tragedies has forced us to reconsider what it means to truly suffer. Not only is Napster shut down and Baywatch cancelled, but we’ve just learned that one of our most beloved planets is no longer being categorized as such.

BOUCHARD Not Pluto.

NEWS REPORTER It’s Pluto.

BOUCHARD No, God!

NEWS REPORTER Yes, it’s May 3rd, 2001, and you deserve better. So go ahead and send that Compendium, Marty. You deserve it.

(BOUCHARD stares at his computer. HE almost presses send, then thinks better of it and collapses in his chair.)

ENSEMBLE (Softly) YOU DESERVE BETTER... YOU DESERVE BETTER YOU DESERVE IT RIGHT NOW.

YOU DESERVE BETTER... YOU DESERVE BETTER YOU DESERVE IT RIGHT NOW!

BOUCHARD WHERE DID WE GO WRONG? DOES THIS MADNESS KNOW NO END? WHEN A PLACE THAT’S NAMED “INTELLIGENCE” COULD STIFLE ONE SO BRAINY AND BAN HIM TO THE BASEMENT LIKE AN ENEMY DETAINEE AND MAKE HIM SHARE A STAPLER – IT’S A TORTURE SPAWNED BY CHENEY.

BOUCHARD AND ENSEMBLE CAN'T TAKE IT NO MORE - CAN'T FAKE IT NO MORE - IT'S MAKIN' ME CRAZY - CAN'T TAKE IT NO MORE!

CAN’T DO IT NO MORE - GO THROUGH IT NO MORE - NO MORE!

BOUCHARD I deserve two staplers! And a mini-fridge so I can bring my yogurt!

ALL WHOA! YEAH! I DESERVE MORE! IT’S 2001! BY NOW --

BOUCHARD I SHOULD’VE HAD MORE.

ALL WE DESERVE BETTER. WE DESERVE BETTER. WE DESERVE IT RIGHT NOW!

(Lights up on various characters.)

BOUCHARD (Next to a sign that reads “The Expert”) HOW'D WE LOSE OUR WAY? WILL THESE DARK DAYS NEVER END?

BERRY, JERRY STILL PARKING IN THE ANNEX, WHICH HURTS WORSE THAN BLUNT FORCE TRAUMA.

RICHART ALL DAY FILING PAPERWORK, IT MAKES ME WANT MEIN MAMA.

NELSON NO RESPECT FOR PROTOCOL –

ALL A TORTURE SPAWNED... BY CHENEY!

CAN'T TAKE IT NO MORE - CAN'T FAKE IT NO MORE - IT'S MAKIN' ME CRAZY - CAN'T TAKE IT NO MORE!

CAN’T DO IT NO MORE - GO THROUGH IT NO MORE - NO MORE!

WHOA! YEAH! GIVE ME MORE! IT’S 2001! I SHOULD HAVE MORE!

BERRY It takes me eight minutes to walk to my car! Eight!!

ALL WHOA! YEAH! GIVE ME MORE! NOW! NOW! NOW! I DESERVE MORE!

ENSEMBLE I DESERVE BETTER. I DESERVE IT RIGHT NOW.

RICHART, BERRY, JERRY, BOUCHARD, NELSON (Grandly) MAYBE ONE DAY, PREFERABLY MONDAY, ALL OF MY WOES WILL BE IN THE PAST, YEAH. SWEET GLORY MINE AT LAST, YEAH. NOTHING COULD STOP ME! NO, NO, NO NOTHING COULD TOP ME! IT'S NOT JUST THAT I WANT IT - IT’S JUST I DESERVE IT, I DESERVE BETTER, I DESERVE IT RIGHT NOW!

ALL WHOA! YEAH! GIVE ME MORE! IT’S 2001 -- I SHOULD HAVE MORE! NOW! NOW! NOW!

WHOA! YEAH! MUST HAVE MORE! NOW! NOW! NOW!

BOUCHARD BUT INSTEAD OF ALL OF THIS WHINING, PINING WITH ALL OF THIS VERVE, HOW ‘BOUT I GET SOMETHING GOING, SHOWING I'VE GOT ME SOME NERVE? FOR THE FATES ARE EVER OBSERVING, SERVING ONLY THOSE WHO THEMSELVES SERVE.

ALL I DESERVE IT! I DESERVE IT! I DESERVE IT RIGHT...

(The music cuts out as BOUCHARD presses “Enter” on his computer keyboard to send the Compendium. But, it’s 2001, so AOL has to dial up, which takes an uncomfortably long time. After BOUCHARD is online, HE presses “Enter” again to send the document. Sent.)

ALL (CONT’D) NOW!!!

(Button. We’re back in the support group.)

LEADER Martin? (Beat) Martin, are you not ready to share?

(Beat. BOUCHARD shakes his head, takes his seat.)

That’s okay, someday soon you will. Richart?

RICHART Oh, ja.

(RICHART takes his place at the front of the room.)

LEADER Everyone, let’s give Richart our undivided and unprejudiced attention.

RICHART (Reads from a prepared statement.) My involvement began after an incident in Munich Airport. Which is in Germany. Remember, I’m German.

LEADER We remember.

RICHART Okay, just let me know if the accent becomes a problem.

LEADER We understand you just fine.

RICHART Okay. So an Iraqi walks into a Customs booth...

(Munich Airport. Two German CUSTOMS AGENTS take passports of passengers.)

CUSTOMS AGENT 1 (Cheerily, dismissing a passenger) Aaaaand, here’s your passport, Herr Phillips. Danke, and enjoy your stay in Deutschland.

(CURVEBALL, an Iraqi man with slightly unkempt hair and a nervous look in his eye, steps up to the Customs desk.)

CUSTOMS AGENT 1 (CONT’D) Howdy, howdy, welcome to Deutschland. Passport please?

CURVEBALL (Eerily) I’VE GRAVE INFORMATION FOR YOU - THERE COMES MASS DEVASTATION FOR YOU AND FOR ALL OF YOUR NATION. BUT IT MAY NOT BE TOO LATE IF YOU HEED WHAT I HAVE TO SAY. STAY... YOU MUST LET ME STAY.

(There is an eerie silence as the potential weight of Curveball’s statement hangs in the air. Then, CUSTOMS AGENTS look at one another.)

BOTH CUSTOMS AGENTS Another one.

CUSTOMS AGENT 1 (To CURVEBALL) Sir, there’s no need for the drama. If you’re looking for political asylum we’re gonna have to direct you to the BND.

CUSTOMS AGENT 2 Which is the German CIA.

CUSTOMS AGENT 1 (To CUSTOMS AGENT 2) Funny that’s how we think of it.

(CUSTOMS AGENT 2 nods. CUSTOMS AGENT 1 makes a phone call while still speaking to CURVEBALL.)

CUSTOMS AGENT 1 (CONT’D) You’ll have to have a little talk with one of their agents. But don’t you worry your tan little oppressed face about it. German intelligence is made up of the finest men and women Deutschland has to offer.

(Lights down on CURVEBALL and CUSTOMS AGENTS. An alarm clock rings, then is turned off. Lights up on young RICHART BECKER, getting out of bed and ready to rock. HE’S a total bro wannabe, and checks himself out in the mirror. A projection reads “How Richart Started the Iraq War.”)

RICHART Schnell yes, Junior Detective Richart Becker. Schnell. Yes.

(As RICHART gets ready for the day, HE is backed by enthusiastic Backstreet Boys-esque BACKUPS.)

IT’S ANOTHER DAY THINK I BE VORGLÜHEN WIT’ MY BRO BROS PLAY ME SOME NINTENDO SIXTY FO FO I JUST GOTTA SEE.

STOPPEN! KEEP IT SMOOTH NOW.

ALL I GOTTA SAY IT DON’T REALLY MAKHT HOW I’M ROLLIN’ LONG AS I BE REPPIN’ AND CONTROLLIN’ THE BRO THAT I BE.

JA, I’M DAS SCHEISSE DAS BOMBE DAS WUNDERBAR PHENOM.

CALL ME A SCHWANZ? A SCHWEIN? A KUGELBLITZ DUMBKOPF?? YO, THAT’S FINE, CUZ

DOO DOO DOO DOO DOO DOO DOO NO MAKHT WHERE I’M GOIN’ I AM DAS MAN

BACKUPS YEAH!

RICHART I AM DAS MAN

BACKUPS YEAH! NO KUGLEBLITZ DUMBKOPF!

RICHART DOO DOO DOO DOO DOO DOO DOO ALL THE FRAULEINS KNOWIN’ I AM DAS MAN

BACKUPS YEAH!

RICHART I AM DAS MAN!!

BACKUPS ER IST DAS MAN!

(RICHART is going through security at the BND. Tired people holding coffee cups stand on line behind him. A FEMALE SECURITY GUARD signs him in.)

RICHART Holla, holla, Helga.

FEMALE SECURITY GUARD (Huge sigh) Richart.

RICHART Or is it Junior Detective Richart?

(Flashes credentials) Promotion, remember?! What? What? Yeah, I guess I speak Arabic or whatever, which is... pretty valuable these days. Lotsa A-Rabs comin’ cross.

FEMALE SECURITY GUARD Seventh floor.

RICHART You know it. And... (HE goes in slowly for a fist pound, SHE does not respond at all, so he pretends like SHE pounded it out, and “explodes” his hand.) Boom goes the dynamite. Have a guten tag. GOIN’ ‘BOUT MY BIZ THINK I BE VORGLÜHEN WIT’ SOME HO HOS, LAYTAH I BE GIVIN’ ‘EM THE OH OHS, THAT I GUARANTEE.

STOPPEN! (THE LADIES NEVER SAY TO ME)

TELL YOU WHAT IT IS IT DON’T REALLY MAKHT HOW THEY ROLLIN’ ONCE I PLAY ‘EM THEN I BE CONTROLLIN’ - THEY BE ROLLIN’ TO ME.

DOO DOO DOO DOO DOO DOO DOO NO MAKHT WHERE I’M GOIN’ I AM DAS MAN

BACKUPS YEAH!

RICHART I AM DAS MAN

BACKUPS YEAH! NO KUGLEBLITZ DUMBKOPF!

RICHART DOO DOO DOO DOO DOO DOO DOO ALL THE FRAULEINS KNOWIN’ I AM DAS MAN

BACKUPS YEAH!

RICHART I AM DAS MAN!!

BACKUPS ER IST DAS MAN!

(RICHART is at his desk in interrogation surrounded by other GERMAN WORKERS.)

GERMAN WORKER Hey ja, Adler. It is lunch time, mine Herr.

ADLER Ja, ich sterbe vor hunger.

RICHART Yo, you guys going out to grab something? (Ignoring RICHART, the GERMAN WORKERS get up to leave.) Guys? (The GERMAN WORKERS have left.) Guys?

(RICHART is alone. HE sits for a moment, then pulls out a bagged lunch – this isn’t his first time eating alone.)

RICHART (CONT’D) It’s all gut, Junior Detective Richart Becker. Junior Detective. (Softly) SOON THEY’LL SEE YOU’RE DAS PIMP DAS DON JUAN DAS GUT AUSSENDEN MANN

(Gaining momentum) CALL ME A GOCKEL? A STICH? A KÖRPERKLAUS FRATZENGULASCH? EINFALTSPINSEL WIENER WÜRSTCHEN? IT’S ALL NOISE WHEN YOU’RE A PERFECT ZEHN!!

DOO DOO DOO DOO DOO DOO DOO

NO MAKHT WHERE I’M GOIN’ I AM DAS MAN!

BACKUPS YEAH!

RICHART I AM DAS MAN!

BACKUPS YEAH! NO KÖRPERKLAUS FRATZENGULASCH!

RICHART DOO DOO DOO DOO DOO DOO DOO ALL THE FRAULEINS KNOWIN’ I AM DAS MAN!

BACKUPS YEAH!

RICHART I AM DAS MAN!!

BACKUPS MAN!

RICHART MAN!!!

BACKUPS MAN!

RICHART MAN!!!

BACKUPS ER IST DAS MAN!!!

(Button. CURVEBALL sits in the interrogation room. Outside, HERR GIMMLEVOGUT stands with a row of detectives, RICHART at the far end.)

HERR GIMMLEVOGUT His name is Akmed Muhammed. Or Muhammed Akmed. Something. There is no way of knowing for sure.

ADLER What does his file say?

HERR GIMMLEVOGUT (Looks at the file, puts it down) His name is Abu Kareem al-Jameel. But we have given him a codename: Curveball. (An ominous chord is heard.) Flew into Frankfurt through Morocco, and Morocco through Baghdad. Another one running from Saddam. He has something interesting to say, he stays. Otherwise: out with das trash. (Calling) Adler?!

ADLER (Quickly) Yes, Meine Liebe.

HERR GIMMLEVOGUT (Quickly) You speak Arabic, ja?

ADLER (Quickly) No, Meine Liebe. That’s Schulz.

HERR GIMMLEVOGUT (Calling) Schulz?

ADLER (Quickly) Not here, Meine Liebe.

HERR GIMMLEVOGUT (Quickly) In Spain running with the bulls again?

ADLER (Quickly) Schulz is a fraulein, Meine Liebe. She’s on maternity leave. You’re thinking of Scholz.

HERR GIMMLEVOGUT (Quickly) And does he speak Arabic?

ADLER (Quickly) He did before he died, Meine Liebe.

HERR GIMMLEVOGUT (Quickly) Running with the bulls?

ADLER (Quickly) Cancer, Meine Liebe.

HERR GIMMLEVOGUT Mutterficker. (Breath) Who else speaks Arabic? (RICHART slowly raises his hand.) Anyone. Anyone at all. (RICHART holds his hand up) Anyone but the new junior?

(We’re back in the SUPPORT GROUP.)

LEADER Was it common for newbies to be placed on such important cases?

RICHART No. But also they didn’t know it was important yet. But also, I’m supposed to tell them if a case is out of my comfort zone.

LEADER And did you?

RICHART No, cuz, I mean, how am I supposed to know if it’s out of my comfort zone if I’m a newbie? Come on, dude.

(We transition to RICHART and HERR GIMMLEVOGUT at the door of the interrogation room. RICHART is about to walk in to meet with CURVEBALL.)

HERR GIMMLEVOGUT (Whispered) Do not let him know you are only a Junior Detective. Give him power and he will take it. Do you understand?

RICHART (Whispered) No, I’ll probably sit.

HERR GIMMLEVOGUT (Whispered) What?

RICHART (Whispered) Didn’t you ask me to stand?

HERR GIMMLEVOGUT (Whispered) I said do you understand.

RICHART (Whispered) Oh. Sorry. The accent...

HERR GIMMLEVOGUT (Whispered) We are both German! We have the exact same accent!

(HERR GIMMLEVOGUT pushes RICHART into the interrogation room.)

HERR GIMMLEVOGUT (Whispered at the door) Today you are a full detective. Not a junior. Act like one.

(HERR GIMMLEVOGUT closes the door. RICHART puts on maximum swag. Over swag. CURVEBALL, sits still as RICHART goes to the table.)

RICHART Herr al-Jameel, I’m Junior Detective... (RICHART stops, hangs his head, looks at the two way mirror to see if he’s in trouble, then turns back to CURVEBALL, as if nothing happened.)

RICHART (CONT’D) I’m regular Detective Richart Becker. You may call me Richart. And what may I call you?

(CURVEBALL doesn’t answer. But fidgets a little, then is still.)

It says here you have a wife and a young daughter. Where are they and why are they not with you?

CURVEBALL I know about the weapons.

(Beat. RICHART is in over his head.)

RICHART Cool.

CURVEBALL What weapons?

(Beat)

RICHART Um.

CURVEBALL You are supposed to ask: what weapons.

(Beat)

RICHART What weapons?

CURVEBALL Please.

(CURVEBALL holds up his handcuffs.)

RICHART Um, those are precautionary.

CURVEBALL As am I.

(RICHART laughs.)

RICHART Alright buddy.

CURVEBALL (Pointing to his own head. Sings enchantingly) THERE LIES A TREASURE IN HERE – JEWELS BEYOND MEASURE IN HERE – YOURS AT YOUR LEISURE – BUT... STAY... LET ME...

RICHART What are you trying to say?

CURVEBALL The weapons are biological.

RICHART What does that mean?

CURVEBALL You do not know?

RICHART (HE doesn’t) Yeah, but I’m making sure you do.

CURVEBALL (Pointing to his own head) PEARLS COULD COME SPILLING FROM HERE – TALES DARK AND CHILLING FROM HERE I’M MORE THAN WILLING – BUT THIS GOOD FORTUNE THAT I COULD SEND YOU MUST COME BACK THIS WAY... STAY... LET ME STAY. LET ME STAY. LET ME STAY.

RICHART Biological weapons...

CURVEBALL Are lethal viruses and bacteria, manufactured by Saddam to massacre thousands in a single payload.

RICHART (Becoming overwhelmed) Oh... god. Okay, this is a lot of information, and kinda... (Makes a hand swoop to mean “over my head”) Let me get another agent...

CURVEBALL No! WHEN AN EAGLE SWOOPS BY AND OFFERS TO FLY YOU FAR BEYOND WHERE YOU EVER HAVE BEEN.

WILL YOU SHOO IT AWAY? WILL YOU CALL IT A DAY? OR GRAB ON TIGHT AND GO FOR A SPIN?

FATE HAS SHOWN BRIGHTLY ON YOU – NICE AND POLITELY ON YOU – FAIR AND SO RIGHTLY – BUT THIS GOOD FORTUNE THAT I COULD SEND YOU MUST COME BACK THIS WAY... STAY... LET ME STAY. LET ME STAY. LET ME STAY. You are probably asking why the U.N. inspectors failed to find these weapons in Iraq.

RICHART Yeah, I mean. Obviously I’m asking that.

CURVEBALL It is because the weapons factories are mobile. In trailers. They are germ warfare factories built into trailers. They are on our streets, in our gas stations, riding on our highways. Soon they will be on your highways. This is why I have come.

RICHART How do I know you’re telling the truth?

CURVEBALL Give me asylum and I will tell you how.

RICHART You go first.

CURVEBALL Asylum first.

RICHART No.

CURVEBALL I built the mobile labs. I built every one of them. (Beat) Now, please. Friend. LET ME...

(RICHART stands and grabs Curveball’s wrists, then unlocks the handcuffs. HE keeps looking at Curveball, but now is speaking with the LEADER in the Support Group.)

LEADER And how did that make you feel, Richart?

RICHART Like I was... das man.

LEADER And sometimes when we feel invincible we tend to...

RICHART ...fuck up. (CURVEBALL smiles. RICHART turns to speak to the LEADER.) Sorry, were you going for something more, like, elegant?

LEADER No, that’s what I was going for.

(RICHART is in HERR GIMMLEVOGUT’s office.)

RICHART Herr Gimmlevogut. (Reads from a prepared slip of paper) It is my belief we should commit resources to the cultivation of Abu Kareem al-Jameel, the refugee codenamed Curveball. You must think I’m an idiot for

suggesting this after only four days on the job. Well, guess what, I am... (Page turn) ...not an idiot. Curveball’s intel could be tremendously significant, not just in Germany, but on a global scale. And so it is for the good of the motherland, nay, the world, that I recommend follow-up interrogation of Curveball by me in exchange for granting him political asylum. I await your decision, but warn you that if you say no, I will fight with every last...

HERR GIMMLEVOGUT No.

RICHART (Quickly) Okey doke.

(RICHART leaves HERR GIMMLEVOGUT’S office. Then re-enters.)

Herr Gimmlevogut, do you dream of being at that desk forever?

HERR GIMMLEVOGUT Vat?

RICHART WHY NOT SIEZE THAT DAY WHEN YOUR GLORY KNOWS NO END, WHEN THE NOBLE-EST OF KNIGHTS COULD HAVE HIS HONOR DULY NOTED, THE WORTHIEST OF SPIES COULD RACK UP FANS DULY DEVOTED? LET ME PLAY THIS OUT AND DULY GET YOUR ARSCH PROMOTED.

WHOA. YEAH. YOU DESERVE MORE.

HERR GIMMLEVOGUT (Softly) NOW. NOW. NOW.

RICHART YOU’LL GET MORE.

HERR GIMMLEVOGUT Ja, Herr Richart. You have convinced me. But if we are to do this right, we need help from the best and the brightest.

(HERR GIMMLEVOGUT reaches into his desk and pulls out a small chest, holds it before RICHART who opens it. It glows from within.)

HERR GIMMLEVOGUT (CONT’D) Do you know what this is?

RICHART A series of numbers.

HERR GIMMLEVOGUT (Mysteriously) Yes. Fax numbers. For the CIA.

(RICHART pulls out a slip of paper with a number written on it.)

Write them. Ask for help. The CIA always knows what to do.

(Lights down on RICHART and HERR GIMMLEVOGUT and up on BERRY and JERRY in the CIA Analysis Room. THEY are bored out of their minds, and feeling like they might have to Beastie Boys rap about it.)

BERRY (Rapping) YO, JERRY.

JERRY (Rapping) YO, BERRY.

BERRY MAN, IT SUCKS HERE IN

BOTH ANALYSIS!

BERRY SO BORED I TELL YA LORD I THINK I’M VERGIN’ ON

BOTH PARALYSIS!

BERRY ALL STATIC BUREAUCRATIC S’LIKE MY BRAIN IS GROWIN’

BOTH CALLUSES!

BERRY THUMBS TWIDDLIN’ ALWAYS PIDDLIN’ HEY, WE’RE ‘RORA

BOTH BOREALISES!

BERRY NOT ZEROES BUT HEROS OF YOUR BOSTON’S AND YOUR

BOTH DALLAS’S!

BERRY UNENDIN’LY DEFENDIN’ ALL YOUR HUMBLE HOMES AND

BOTH PALACES!

BERRY YOUR MISCHA’S LAQUISHA’S MOISHE’S, JÉSUS'S AND

BOTH ALICE’S!

BERRY I’M BERRY IT’S SCARY BAD IT SUCKS HERE IN

BOTH ANALYSIS!

BERRY KEEP US DOWN, BITCH BE COMIN’ FOR YOUR PHALLUSES.

BOTH WE'RE DYIN' FOR

BOTH, ENSEMBLE ACTION

BOTH BUT THEY'RE GIVIN' US

BOTH, ENSEMBLE SQUAT!

BOTH WE NEED TO

BOTH, ENSEMBLE LET LOOSE

BOTH BUT WE'RE TIED IN A

BOTH, ENSEMBLE KNOT!

BOTH THEY THINK WE'RE

BOTH, ENSEMBLE NUTHIN'

BOTH BUT HERE'S THE

BOTH, ENSEMBLE HITCH:

BOTH WE'RE THE BITCH AND THE BAD BOY THE BAD BOY AND THE BITCH.

WE GOTTA KICK IT

BOTH, ENSEMBLE IN GEAR

BOTH BUT THEY STUCK US IN

BOTH, ENSEMBLE PARK!

BOTH WE'RE CAUGHT IN A

BOTH, ENSEMBLE FLOOD

BOTH AND WE AIN'T GOT AN

BOTH, ENSEMBLE ARK!

BOTH THEY CAN MESS WITH OUR

BOTH, ENSEMBLE MOJO

BOTH BUT THEY CAN'T

BOTH, ENSEMBLE DESTROY

BOTH THE BAD BOY AND THE BITCH AND THE BITCH AND THE BAD BOY.

JERRY I’M SO BAD I WEAR A CLIP-ON TIE. I’M SO BAD I KNOW MY BRONZE AGE BATTLE-AXES.

I’M SO BAD I ROLL A TWENTY-ONE SIDED DIE. I’M SO BAD I GOT A BEEPER FOR MY FAXES.

(His beeper goes off.)

JERRY Fax machine. Boom.

(A fax comes in, BERRY and JERRY go to read it. As they do, lights up on RICHART, typing the same fax.)

RICHART Dear the CIA. It’s me, Richart. WE HAVE A NEW SOURCE IN GERMANY CODENAMED CURVEBALL, AND I WAS WONDERING IF YOU COULD HELP WITH SOME VERIFICATION. Here’s what I know so far: THE SUBJECT MALE IRAQUI CLAIMS HE RIGGED UP MOBILE LABS TO SPAWN HELLACIOUS GERMS AND THEN REFINE 'EM.

THEY'VE GOT WEIRD NAMES BUT I'LL LEARN MORE ABOUT THEM IF HE BLABS, LIKE ANTHRAX AND CLOSTRID-YUM BOTULINUM? Help me, the CIA. You’re my only hope.

(Lights down on RICHART. BERRY and JERRY look at each other. Did this really just come across their desks? Score! A projection reads, “How Berry and Jerry Started the Iraq War.”)

JERRY YO, BERRY?

BERRY YO, JERRY?

JERRY COULD THIS END OUR LONG FUTILITY?

BERRY WITHOUT A DOUBT SOMETHING BOUT A WEAPONS LABS FACILITY.

JERRY WELL PIZZLE TO MY NIZZLE SAYS THE LABS'VE GOT MOBILITY.

BERRY THAT'S AIMIN' TO BE FLAMIN' MISTA PRESIDENT'S HOSTILITY.

PROVOKIN' BUT NO JOKIN' THIS IS NO TIME FOR HUMILITY.

FLAME ON IT'S GAME ON TIME TO PLY OUR

BOTH CAPABILITY!

JERRY TO RAZZLE AND BEDAZZLE BIGWIGS WITH OUR DEFT AGILITY.

BERRY I'M BERRY I’M SCARY

TIME TO END MY LONG

BOTH FUTILITY!

BERRY LOOK OUT BOYS, BITCH BE SAPPIN' YOUR VIRILITY.

BOTH THEY HAD OUR VOICE ON

BOTH, ENSEMBLE MUTE

BOTH THIS IS MAKIN' IT

BOTH, ENSEMBLE SING!

BOTH MADE OUR PULSE RATE

BOTH, ENSEMBLE FLATLINE

BOTH THIS IS GIVIN' IT

BOTH, ENSEMBLE ZING!

BOTH KEPT OUR NETHERPARTS

BOTH, ENSEMBLE NUMB

BOTH NOW THEY'RE STARTIN' TO

BOTH, ENSEMBLE TWITCH!

BOTH THE BITCH AND THE BAD BOY - THE BAD BOY AND THE BITCH.

MADE US STRAGGLE

BOTH, ENSEMBLE BEHIND!

BOTH THIS IS CLOSIN' THE

BOTH, ENSEMBLE GAP!

BOTH KEPT OUR WINGS ALL

BOTH, ENSEMBLE CLIPPED

BOTH NOW THEY'RE STARTIN' TO

BOTH, ENSEMBLE FLAP!

BOTH MADE US HOLD OUR

BOTH, ENSEMBLE FIRE

BOTH NOW IT'S TIME TO

BOTH, ENSEMBLE DEPLOY

BOTH THE BAD BOY AND THE BITCH AND THE THE BITCH AND THE BAD BOY.

THE BITCH AND THE BAD BOY AND THE BAD BOY AND THE...

BERRY HERE COMES THE BITCH.

(At the button of the song, we’re back in the support group.)

LEADER Speaking of the “bad boy,” why isn’t your little sidekick here in group today?

BERRY Oh, he wanted to, but unfortunately he’s dead. (Awkward beat) Anyway, Jerry and I were analysts in Counterterrorism, and in order to move forward with a lead, we had to get a sign off from the Chief operative in Counterterrorism – a corrosive limerick of a man with a vomit-inducing face and a cringe-evoking demeanor.

NELSON (Could not be more pleasant) Heya strangers!

BERRY (To the Support Group) I cringe.

(NELSON’S office, JERRY and BERRY are handing NELSON the fax from Richart.)

NELSON I am thrilled to see you two again. Been too long. (Calling out) Gloria, get Richart Becker on the phone. BND.

GLORIA (OFF) You got it.

NELSON Gloria is pregnant, isn’t that amazing?

BERRY Amazing.

NELSON And who’s the source?

JERRY His codename is Curveball.

NELSON Is it?! Well, I love baseball. And the curveball is my favorite pitch. What’s yours?

BERRY Black.

JERRY E flat.

NELSON And the apropos thing about baseball is it’s a team sport. Now I’m all about the team, which is why I’m in line for promotion - Deputy Executive Director. What’s that?

BERRY What?

NELSON No, I thought you said something about me being up for promotion.

(Beat)

BERRY, JERRY Congratul...

NELSON (Interrupting, faux-modestly) No, I don’t give a fig about that stuff. What I do care about is teamwork. Now: this Curveball source isn’t gonna vet himself, which is why we’re assembling the bio- warfare dream team.

BERRY Yeah, so, we just need a sign-off. I can do this one alone.

NELSON Do this one a whaaat? No. ONE MAN CAN'T CHANGE OUR FATE, MAKE THE FOLK SEEK LOVE, NOT HATE.

RID THE WORLD OF SIN.

BERRY Please not again.

NELSON No, CUZ EVIL NEVER SLEEPS - NIGHT AND DAY ALONG IT CREEPS, LOOKING TO FIND A WAY IN.

(GLORIA, Nelson’s assistant, pokes her head in Nelsons office.)

GLORIA Becker’s on.

(NELSON presses a button on his speakerphone. Lights up on RICHART on the phone in Germany.)

NELSON Becker, this is Agent Tyler Nelson. Seems you’ve got quite a tiger by the tail.

RICHART (Can’t understand through speakerphone) What? Am I on speakerphone?

NELSON My guess is you and I will both be up for promotion soon. I mean, I’m already in line for Deputy Executive Director.

RICHART What? You’re an ocean? I... the speakerphone...

NELSON No, I don’t give a fig about that promotion stuff. What I do care about is team, and I’d like to welcome you aboard ours!

RICHART I cannot understand you.

(NELSON hangs up.)

NELSON I guess we’ll need a translator.

JERRY Ich sprechen sie deutsch.

NELSON (To BERRY) See? ONE MAN CAN'T CURE OUR BLIGHT, MAKE THE FOLK LOCK ARMS, UNITE, RID THE WORLD OF WAR.

FOR EVIL NEVER SLOWS. NIGHT AND DAY ABOUT IT GOES LOOKING TO LET BLOOD AND GORE.

BUT TOGETHER WE CHOSEN FEW ARE EVIL'S MATCH AND MORE. TOGETHER WE CHOSEN FEW CAN MAKE PEACE AND LOVE AND UNDERSTANDING SHINE ON ALL PEOPLES, MAKE HUMANITY GLOW WITH THE DIVINE. LONG AS WE

JOIN AS ONE! TEAM DOESN'T HAVE AN "I". SERVE AS ONE! TEAM DOESN'T HAVE A "U". BE AS ONE! TEAM WILL REDEEM US! BE MORE THAN YOU ALONE CAN - BE SUPER EVERYMAN!

(BOUCHARD approaches NELSON.)

BOUCHARD Hi, Martin Bouchard looking for...

NELSON Martin Bouchard! Wonderful! You’re looking for me. Thanks for joining the dream team. Let us engage!

BOUCHARD Could you tell me what this is regarding?

NELSON (Ignoring Bouchard) OH IT TAKES A TEAM TO MAKE A STAND, THWARTING WRONGS THROUGHOUT THE LAND, SO BRAVE IN OUR TOIL.

FOR EVIL TAKES ITS TIME, RUNG BY RUNG IT MAKES ITS CLIMB TILL WE CRY "HALT - WE'RE YOUR FOIL!"

JOIN AS ONE! TEAM ALWAYS GETS AN "A"! SERVE AS ONE! TEAM NEVER GETS AN "F"! BE AS ONE! TEAM WILL REDEEM US! BE MORE THAN YOU ALONE CAN - BE SUPER EVERYMAN!

(NELSON, BERRY, JERRY and BOUCHARD have arrived in a conference room.)

NELSON (CONT’D) This is our palace. We’ll have all the amenities a team of germ-fighting agents could need: phones, web access, donuts!

BACKUPS SUPER!

NELSON No, you know what? We’re actually not supposed to have food in the conference room. So scratch the donuts. No, you know what? I’m in charge, to heck with it, let’s get some donuts!

BACKUPS EVERYMAN!

NELSON And so where the untrained eye might see an analyst, a translator, an expert, and a German interrogator on speakerphone...

RICHART (ON SPEAKERPHONE) Pterodactyl? What?

(NELSON mutes the speakerphone.)

NELSON I see a team that’s about to alter human history. A team led by me! So join us!

BACKUPS Join us!

NELSON Join us!

BACKUPS Join us!

NELSON JOIN AS ONE! COME ON!

BACKUPS JOIN AS ONE! TEAM DOESN'T HAVE AN "I"!

NELSON SERVE AS ONE!

BACKUPS SERVE AS ONE! TEAM DOESN'T HAVE A "U"!

NELSON BE AS ONE!

BACKUPS BE AS ONE! TEAM WILL REDEEM US! BE MORE THAN YOU ALONE CAN -

BE SUPER EVERYMAN.

NELSON BE SUPER EVERYMAN!

BOUCHARD What are we doing here though? Nobody’s told me what we’re doing.

(NELSON laughs, BERRY chuckles.)

I’m serious.

NELSON I love it. Alright. You guys get to work, I’ll go brief the Second in Command...

NELSON, JERRY, BERRY, BOUCHARD ...praise him...

NELSON ...then get on those donuts!

(NELSON exits, leaving BOUCHARD, BERRY and JERRY alone. It’s a swag-off.)

BERRY Whassup.

(BOUCHARD nods.)

Diggin’ the name: (Overly French-ifying) Bouchard.

BOUCHARD Thank you. It’s French for courage.

JERRY Big mouth.

BOUCHARD Excuse me?

JERRY Bouchard is French for “big mouth.”

BOUCHARD You can say it means “big mouth,” and I’ll say it means “courage."

JERRY I would but that’s not really how truth works. (Points to himself) Bad boy.

BERRY Jerry’s running translations.

BOUCHARD What does Jerry mean?

BERRY Nothing.

JERRY (Simultaneous with above) Holy spear warrior.

BERRY Okay. Thanks, Jerry.

RICHART (ON SPEAKERPHONE) Lake Superior? Did someone say something about Lake Superior? Or maybe Luke Skywalk...

(BERRY turns off the speakerphone.)

BERRY So before we get in too deep we wanted to let you know that we know about the... well... we know.

BOUCHARD You know what?

BERRY (Knowingly) You know.

BOUCHARD That I’m down to one day a week?

BERRY But we don’t hold it against you. Everyone in this office has a code for me to crack. Even Tyler Nelson. Probably.

BOUCHARD He’s your boss?

BERRY Very much not so.

JERRY Nelson is Berry’s nemesis.

BERRY No.

JERRY You call him your nemesis.

BERRY I do not.

JERRY Yeah, because he’s shut down every lead you’ve brought to him. Do you actually not remember that?

(Beat)

BERRY Yes, thank you, Jerry. I remember now. (To BOUCHARD) Nelson is the liver of Counterterrorism. We are pure liquefied Chuck Norris. Do we work for the liver? No. Do we need to filter through the liver if we ever wanna see daylight? Technically.

JERRY The Chuck Norris would be absorbed long before it reached the liver.

BERRY Fine.

JERRY Wait, do you know how livers work?

BERRY Jerry, you’re doing the thing.

JERRY I was just being helpful.

(JERRY and BERRY speak aside as if BOUCHARD can’t hear. But BOUCHARD can totally hear.)

BERRY You were doing the thing and you know it.

JERRY The whole point of the thing is I don’t know when I’m doing the thing which is why you tell me when I’m doing the thing.

BERRY Fine.

JERRY I tell you when you’re doing your thing.

BERRY You’re still doing it!

BOUCHARD I’m sorry, but can somebody please tell me why I’m here!

(NELSON re-enters with donuts.)

NELSON So. (HE throws the donuts on the table.) An Iraqi in BND custody claims to have engineered biological war trailers producing anthrax, clostridium botulinum...

(Pin-spot on BOUCHARD.)

BOUCHARD (Dreamily) Clostridium Botulinum. Clostridium Botulinum... THE MOST BEAUTIFUL SOUND, THE MOST GLORIOUS TERM... CLOSTRIDIUM BOTULINUM!

ALL THE BEAUTIFUL SOUNDS IN THE WORLD IN A SINGLE GERM... CLOSTRIDIUM BOTULI...NUM.

(Lights fade back to the conference room. BOUCHARD grabs a brief, skims furiously.)

NELSON Now, our objective is to establish the validity...

BOUCHARD (Reading through the brief) Anthrax... Clostridium Botulinum... Germ trailers... (In ecstasy) Oh, germ trailers!

(NELSON, BERRY and JERRY stare his way.)

Sorry... bio-break.

NELSON (Confused) Okay?

(BOUCHARD runs out of the conference room. Leans against the wall in ecstasy.)

BOUCHARD COULD BE SOON, THEY SEE I'M NOT A HAS-BEEN HACK. COULD BE SOON, I GET MY STANDING BACK ON TRACK. COULD BE SOON, THEY'LL RESPECT ME!

AFTER THESE YEARS I'VE SPENT BOGGING DOWN IN ALL KINDS OF LOSING COULD I BE CRUISING BACK TO WHERE I BELONG?

COULD BE SOON, THEY SEE MY HUNCH WAS RIGHT ON POINT. COULD BE SOON,

I'LL BE THE CHAMPION OF THIS JOINT. NO - SOME DAY SOON, THEY WILL TOAST ME!

AFTER THESE YEARS OF BEARING THE PANGS OF MY ESTEEM FAILING COULD I BE SAILING BACK TO WHERE I BELONG?

KEEP YOUR FAITH - NEVER LET THEM BRING YOU DOWN - ALWAYS KEEP YOUR FAITH IN YOU.

(We enter his fantasy world. BOUCHARD begins to lightly tap dance. Two OFFICIAL LOOKING MEN happily tap dance on.)

OFFICIAL LOOKING MEN Hi Marty.

BOUCHARD Hi.

BOTH Would you like to be department chief?

(The tap dancing stops.)

BOUCHARD (Faux-thoughtfully, like a politician) Though I am humbled by the gesture, I serve a cause greater than bureaucratic ascension: I serve these United States of America.

OFFICIAL LOOKING MEN How noble!

(More happy tap dancing. Enter OTHER OFFICIAL LOOKING MEN, who are both tap dancing.)

OTHER OFFICIAL LOOKING MEN Hey Marty.

OFFICIAL LOOKING DUDE 2 Hey.

OTHER OFFICIAL LOOKING MEN Would you like a corner office?

(The tap dancing stops.)

BOUCHARD (Faux-thoughtfully, like a politician) Though humbled again, I shall serve this nation from wherever burdens it least, be it corner office, cubicle or cubby.

OTHER OFFICIAL LOOKING MEN How noble!

(More happy tap dancing. Enter PROFESSIONAL WOMEN, who are both tap dancing.)

PROFESSIONAL WOMEN Yo Marty.

BOUCHARD Yo.

PROFESSIONAL WOMEN Would you like to do a threesome?

BOUCHARD Yes, I would!

(ALL tap dance and form a kick-line of Agents.)

ALL (Big band) SOMEDAY SOON, THEY’LL ALL BE GRATEFUL TO THE CORE! SOMEDAY SOON, THEY’LL ALL LOOK UP TO ME (YOU) ONCE MORE! SOMEDAY SOON, THEY'LL SALUTE ME (YOU)!

BOUCHARD MY LUCK IS BLOOMING SOON I’LL BE ZOOMING

ENSEMBLE SOON YOU’LL BE ZOOMING!

ALL BACK TO WHERE I (YOU) BE...

(The phone rings, the fantasy dissipates. BOUCHARD picks it up.)

BOUCHARD Dorothy, hi, I have some great news! (Breath) Well, I’m not authorized to say what it is, but, something big happened today, can’t say what, classified, but, uh, I was right about this thing and... well, people at the agency are real happy for me. (Beat) Well, if I’m asked to start coming in regularly, I will, it’s important... (Beat. HE deflates slightly.) No, I just thought you should know because, you know, people here are really happy for me... (Sighs) Probably around eight if the Beltway's not jammed... Okay... Fabric softener, okay. (Beat) You too. (Hangs up the phone. Sings softly) SURE FEELS NICE WHEN YOU WERE RIGHT TO TAKE A STAND.

SURE FEELS NICE WHEN THINGS GO JUST THE WAY YOU PLANNED.

SURE FEELS NICE WHEN THEY CAN'T BREAK YOU.

SOON I'LL BE SAILING SOON I'LL BE SOARING MY STOCK IS BOOMING SOON I'LL BE ZOOMING BACK TO WHERE I BELONG.

(Soft button. BOUCHARD steps back in the conference room.)

NELSON Everything alright? Biologically?

BOUCHARD At long last.

NELSON Sure. Let’s start with what we already know about Iraq’s bio-weapons.

BOUCHARD Sure thing.

BERRY (Simultaneous with above) You got it.

BERRY, BOUCHARD So what we have... sorry... the defector’s... sorry... wait, s/he’s briefing me?

(NELSON points to BERRY.)

BOUCHARD Really? (NELSON nods.) Even though I’m the expert? (NELSON is about to speak.) No, no, it’s fine, it’s fine. Go ahead.

BERRY As you indicated, German intelligence has a dude codenamed Curveball who built bio-weapon labs in trucks...

BOUCHARD Right, trailers actually.

BERRY Right, which is consistent with our theories. But, we’ve never had proof. Until now.

BOUCHARD Right, we’ve never had eye-witness testimony.

BERRY Right.

BOUCHARD Right, but there’s lots of proof.

BERRY Right, well, if you read the Compendium on the UNSCOM website...

BOUCHARD Yes, I’m familiar with the Compendium, I wrote it, but what I’m saying is when I was in Iraq in ’91 and ’92... I was the Chief U.N. weapons inspector in ’91 and ’92, I don’t know if you know...

BERRY, NELSON I do.

BOUCHARD Right... They’d imported growth media to develop a chemical arsenal – anthrax... Clostridium Botulinum... this isn’t speculation, they admitted to this.

BERRY Right.

BOUCHARD We oversaw its destruction. Except they claimed they’d “lost” seventeen tons of the stuff. That’s not really something you... misplace. So they drove it around to avoid detection, at least that was my theory. I had proof, but now I have eye-witness testimony. (Sighs. Satisfied) But you must know this, right? Unless you weren't here in ’91, or were... still in school, or... high school, or...

BERRY I was here.

BOUCHARD Right, so.

NELSON I’m glad we've got this open dialogue going. Exemplary teamwork. But we haven’t met this guy. So according to protocol laid out by the Second in Command...

NELSON, BERRY, JERRY, BOUCHARD Praise him.

NELSON ... I can’t sign off till we’ve got verification from you, and verification from Germany. Those are the rules of the team, and as team leader, they will be enforced henceforth.

(Beat. BERRY gets a look in her eye. JERRY immediately recognizes it.)

BERRY Oh, that’s right.

JERRY Don’t call him a company man.

BERRY We have ourselves a company man.

JERRY Don’t start with the thing.

BERRY (Mockingly turned on) That’s so hot. I forgot we had a company man, Jerry.

JERRY (Embarrassed) Oh, Jesus.

BERRY (Mocking) You gonna input my line items, company man? You gonna bounce a quarter off my spreadsheets, company man?

NELSON (Uncomfortable) Okay...

BERRY I’m just kiddin’, company man. I didn’t mean to hurt your feelings. But here’s the thing – you’re not shutting me down, company man, not again. So you and Grandpa stay

here and talk about your feelings, I’m gonna go save the world.

(BERRY exits.)

NELSON You know, I’ve always found her to be a real...

(BERRY re-enters.)

BERRY (Interrupting) ...bitch? Yeah, I’m a bitch. Deal.

(BERRY exits.)

NELSON Character. Is what I was gonna say. Sheesh...

(NELSON exits.)

JERRY She’s just dying for a big case – doesn’t get why it’s taken so long. Between you and me, I think it’s because people find her abrasive.

BOUCHARD (Faux shocked) No.

JERRY (Not picking up on BOUCHARD’S tone) Yeah. So I’m helping her with impulse control and she’s helping me with not “humiliating” her. We call ourselves AwkAnon - Awkwards Anonymous.

BOUCHARD Jerry and Berry. Has a nice ring to it.

JERRY I think about that a lot. You know they recruited her when she was nineteen - she was already through MIT by then.

BOUCHARD Is she some sort of half-woman, half-computer something?

JERRY No. (Beat) But a boy can dream.

(CURVEBALL and RICHART are in the interrogation room.)

RICHART You know, my nanny spoke Arabic growing up. That’s how I know it. She’s from Iraq too. Or one of those over there.

CURVEBALL In Iraq my wife had a garden. Hydrangeas. They grew in a patch of land next to the trash compost.

RICHART Made the flowers ugly?

CURVEBALL Made the trash compost beautiful.

(Beat)

RICHART Do you ever think of yourself as a hydrangea in a sea of trash composts?

CURVEBALL I would like to think of myself as a hydrangea in the Volkswagen you guys bought me.

RICHART Treat me right and you’ll be a hydrangea in a Mercedes.

BERRY (To the Support Group) Richart started these write-ups called...

(RICHART is writing.)

BERRY, RICHART ...the Hydrangea Reports...

BERRY ...which were sent to the CIA where Martin checked...

(BOUCHARD opens up a report.)

BERRY, BOUCHARD ...the Hydrangea Reports...

BERRY ...against his data, which of course were dependent on a reliable German to English translation by Jerry.

JERRY The Hydrangea Reports! (Aside) I just wanted to say it.

BERRY And all of this after Richart had translated Curveball’s statements from Arabic in the first place. So. Pretty straight forward.

RICHART, JERRY “Hydrangea, 1st report. June 15th, 2001.”

RICHART WE HAVE FOUND THE SUBJECT QUITE EXCITABLE BUT CLEAR, I’LL OF COURSE CONTINUE TO APPRAISE HIM.

JERRY Curveball’s talking.

RICHART WE HAVE FURTHER LEARNED THAT HE’S AN AGRI-ENGINEER - HE’LL SQUEAL SO LONG AS BND PAYS HIM.

JERRY He’s on their payroll.

RICHART AND ENSEMBLE OOOOH HYDRANGEA OOOOH HYDRANGEA

RICHART He speaks of his occupation.

(Lights up on CURVEBALL.)

CURVEBALL I WENT TO WORK FOR CEDC - WE DESIGNED MACHINES FOR FARMERS WHICH WOULD HELP THEIR CROPS TO FIGHT OFF FUNGUS AND THRIVE.

THEN THEY MOVED ME TO A SECRET TEAM TO DESIGN A MOBILE SYSTEM THAT MADE TOXIC GERMS NO MAN COULD SURVIVE.

I THOUGHT ‘PLEASE NO!’ BUT I DARE NOT SAY “NO.”

SO THERE, THAT’S AN OVERVIEW - NOW I’LL TELL MORE THAN YOU COULD ASK FOR. IF THEY FIND OUT, NO WAY I STAY ALIVE. (Holds up car keys) DOES THIS HAVE FOUR WHEEL DRIVE?

BOUCHARD I knew about the mobile system, that’s in my Compendium. I knew that.

RICHART, JERRY Hydrangea. 3rd report. July 10th.

RICHART TO THIS POINT THE SUBJECT TELLS A DARK FOREBODING TALE - DOESN’T SEEM CONCERNED HOW WE PERCEIVE HIM.

JERRY He’s consistent.

BERRY Cool.

RICHART HE DESCRIBES HIS EFFORTS IN SUCH INTRICATE DETAIL, WE WOULD SURE BE FOOLS

NOT TO BELIEVE HIM.

JERRY He believes him.

BERRY Cooler.

RICHART, ENSEMBLE OOOOH HYDRANGEA OOOOH HYDRANGEA

RICHART He speaks of his schematics.

CURVEBALL (With pointer in front of pinned up elaborate drawings or drawn on white board) MY GRAND DESIGN CALLED FOR THREE BIG RIGS - THE FIRST ONE HELD FERMENTORS TO TURN THE FRESH INOCULUM INTO A PASTE.

THE NEXT ONE CARRIED THE MIXING TANKS, WHICH IS WHERE WE’D PREP THE SLURRY. THE THIRD WAS WHERE IT GOT PRIMED TO LAY WASTE.

AND I THOUGHT ‘PLEASE NO!’ BUT I DARE NOT SAY “NO.”

SO THERE, THAT’S THE GIST OF IT AND I KNOW IT SURE AIN’T PRETTY. IF THEY FIND OUT, MY NAME WILL BE DISGRACED. (Holds up a beer) WANNA GET WASTEY-FACED?

BOUCHARD I predicted the three-rig system, you’d have to separate the chemical processes for safety, I wrote this, I wrote this!

(Lights back to RICHART, drinking a beer and writing.)

RICHART Hydrangea. 8th report. August 15th, 2001. NOW AND THEN THE SUBJECT CAN BE CRANKY AND UNCOUTH - WITH ALL THIS PRESSURE ON HIM WHO COULD BLAME HIM.

(BERRY, JERRY and BOUCHARD are reading the Hydrangea Report in Bouchard’s office.)

JERRY He’s moody, whatever.

RICHART BUT HIS STORY CHECKS OUT WELL – I FEEL HE TELLS THE TRUTH. WE WOULD SURE BE FOOLS IF WE DISCLAIM HIM.

JERRY More thumbs up.

BERRY Nice.

RICHART He speaks of an accident he witnessed. A germ spill.

(Lights up on CURVEBALL.)

CURVEBALL (Softly) THEN ONE DAY THINGS ALL WENT WRONG... COMRADES DYING - SAY “SO LONG.” CAN’T RUN OFF NOW - MUST STAY STRONG...

THE SHIT YOU DO WILL COME BACK TO YOU - WE ALL HARVEST WHAT WE SOW.

(RICHART puts his hand on CURVEBALL’S shoulder. Lights down on CURVEBALL.)

RICHART EV’RYTHING HE’S TOLD US HAS CHECKED OUT SO FAR AS REAL. THE SETUP HE DESCRIBES IS QUITE CONVINCING. ALL THE DIFFERENT FACETS FIT TOGETHER AND CONGEAL - HIS DIABOLIC SCHEME WILL LEAVE YOU WINCING.

RICHART, ENSEMBLE OOOOH HYDRANGEA OOOOH HYDRANGEA

RICHART The source is good.

JERRY The source is good.

RICHART Assuming we can determine his credibility.

JERRY Assuming we can determine his reliability.

BERRY (Pausing the action, speaking to the Support Group) See what happened there?

RICHART Determine his credibility.

JERRY Determine his reliability.

BERRY (To the Support Group) In spy-world, “credibility” and “reliability” are not the same thing. “Credibility” is talking about character - the Germans were doubting Curveball’s character - and bad character means bad information. The case would have to be dumped. “Reliability” is talking about the accuracy of

the information. Is it true? Does it check out? Regardless of the source. So I ask Jerry, very pointedly: (To JERRY) It says that? “Determine the reliability”?

JERRY Oh, actually, I think the...

BOUCHARD (A celebration of sorts) Cuz if so, you two should get used to the idea of spending a lot more time together.

BERRY Damn straight. You finished, Jerry?

JERRY How much time together?

BERRY Too much time, why? Are you finished or not?

(Beat. JERRY nods his head.)

BERRY (CONT’D) (To the Support Group) Not my fault. By taking his word I was doing my job. Not. My fault.

(Beat. BERRY, back in the action, crows with excitement.)

BERRY (CONT’D) Shit, I’ll determine that reliability right now. Grandpa, we reliable?

BOUCHARD These reports validate almost every theory I’ve accumulated over the past decade, down to an astonishing level of detail. They’re reliable.

JERRY ...

BERRY Then the source is good. Haha!

(JERRY exits, sheepishly. BERRY dials the phone, puts it on speaker. Lights up on NELSON on his phone.)

NELSON Nelson.

BERRY The source is good.

NELSON The source is... yes, teamwork! What does Martin say?

BERRY (To BOUCHARD) What does Martin say?

BOUCHARD (To BERRY) We’re sure Germany signs off on credibility?

BERRY So says Jerry.

BOUCHARD So says Marty.

BERRY Marty says the source is good.

NELSON And you say?

BERRY If Marty says the source is good, so do we. He’s our expert.

NELSON Hold on, I need to call Germany.

(In Germany, HERR GIMMLEVOGUT picks up the phone.)

HERR GIMMLEVOGUT This is Germany.

NELSON Tyler Nelson from the CIA.

HERR GIMMLEVOGUT Ja?

NELSON I have some questions about the Curveball case?

HERR GIMMLEVOGUT Ja?

NELSON My agents here are telling me the source is good?

HERR GIMMLEVOGUT (With growing excitement) Ja?? Curveball is gut?

NELSON (To himself) Curveball is good.

HERR GIMMLEVOGUT (Calling out) Richart!!

(RICHART runs in.)

RICHART Yes, Mein Liebe?

HERR GIMMLEVOGUT CIA says Curveball is gut!

RICHART Great kartoffelpuffer!!!

(NELSON gets back on with BERRY and BOUCHARD.)

NELSON Germany just verified. Curveball is good.

(BOUCHARD gasps.)

BERRY, BOUCHARD, RICHART So what does this mean?

NELSON It means we’re taking the case live.

HERR GIMMLEVOGUT It means you’re no longer a junior.

NELSON It means you’re starting full time again. Is that alright, Martin?

BOUCHARD (In shock) Is that alright, Martin?

HERR GIMMLEVOGUT Can you handle it, Herr Richart?

BOUCHARD Is that alright? Are you serious? (Punk style) FUCK YEAH - YOU BET YOUR ASS SIR YEAH. HO YEAH – I’LL SERVE WITH CLASS SIR. WE’LL GET WHAT WE WANT NOW – WE’LL GET WHAT WE WANT WHILE WE STILL CAN.

BERRY OH YEAH! SWEET FATE IS CALLIN’, YEAH!

RICHART OOOH YEAH! DAS MAN IS BALLIN’!

RICHART, BERRY I’LL GET ON THE MAP NOW -

BOUCHARD, RICHART, BERRY WE’LL GET ON THE MAP NOW.

RICHART OH HOW WACKY THAT ONE IRAQUI WOULD RID ME OF THESE CHAINS - CHAINS.

BOUCHARD, RICHART, BERRY GIVE A HALLELUJAH ONE AND ALL –

FREEDOM REIGNS. I FEEL THE PULSE OF FREEDOM COURSING ALL THROUGH MY VEINS. OH YEAH MY VEINS...

(RICHART goes to CURVEBALL in the interrogation room.)

RICHART I just want to say you’re beautiful, you beautiful, beautiful man.

CURVEBALL Did I do something right?

RICHART You talked and took junior off my badge.

CURVEBALL Aha! Now we find a fraulein to take junior out of your lederhosen!

RICHART I’m gonna hold you to that.

CURVEBALL We will do well together.

RICHART We’ll kick arsch together!

CURVEBALL I want that Mercedes!

RICHART FUCK YEAH! A BIG MERCEDES YEAH! HOOO YEAH! WE’LL BUY YOU LADIES! WE’LL TAKE WHAT WE WANT NOW - WE’LL TAKE WHAT WE WANT WHILE WE STILL CAN.

BOUCHARD HEY YEAH! SWEET VINDICATION YEAH!

BERRY HO YEAH! SO LONG STAGNATION!

BOUCHARD, BERRY WE’LL GET ON THE MAP NOW -

BOUCHARD, BERRY, RICHART WE’LL GET ON THE MAP NOW. HOW DIVINELY AT LAST I FIN’LLY SHED YEARS OF TOIL ‘N PAINS. PAINS.

GIVE A HALLELUJAH ONE AND ALL – FREEDOM REIGNS. I FEEL THE PULSE OF FREEDOM COURSING ALL THROUGH MY VEINS. OH YEAH MY VEINS... VEINS...

RICHART AHHH YEAH! WE’LL BUY YOU LIQUOR YEAH!

BOUCHARD OW YEAH! MY STAR WILL FLICKER YEAH!

BERRY FUCK YEAH! AND HERE’S THE KICKER YEAH:

BOUCHARD, BERRY, RICHART FUCK YEAH! WE’LL FUCK IT UP YEAH! FUCK IT UP YEAH! GIVE A HALLELUJAH ONE AND ALL – FREEDOM REIGNS. I FEEL THE PULSE OF FREEDOM COURSING ALL THROUGH MY VEINS. OH YEAH MY VEINS... VEINS... GERMS YEAH GAS YEAH YEAH YEAH COME ON, FUCK YEAH!!!

(Lights up on JERRY, he sings softly.)

JERRY OH FUCK, I GUESS YOU MESSED UP YEAH... YOU THINK YOU SHOULDA FESSED UP? LOOKS LIKE IT'S TOO LATE NOW. HOW MUCH COULD IT MATTER ANYWAY?

EVERYTHING IS COOL NOW. EVERYTHING IS COOL NOW.

(JERRY turns on the news. Lights up on a NEWS REPORTER.)

NEWS REPORTER This just in: everything is cool now. Yes, it’s September 9th, 2001, and things are downright super. Martin and Berry have actual offices with actual windows, Curveball has his political asylum and Richart has a friend in Curveball. Yes, it’s September 9th, 2001, and everything is, and should continue to be, super cool.

(CURVEBALL and RICHART in interrogation.)

CURVEBALL Have you been to Fur-lin? It is Berlin strip club where women are dressed as furry animals.

RICHART Nah.

CURVEBALL I will take you so you can meet Anke. She is a Labrador.

RICHART Don’t you have, like, a wife?

CURVEBALL Can I tell you a story time?

RICHART Yeah.

CURVEBALL I met this set of tatas once.

RICHART (Giggles) Yeah.

CURVEBALL Back when I was a junior engineer in the Biological Weapons Program.

RICHART Senior, but yeah.

CURVEBALL What?

RICHART You just said you were a junior engineer.

CURVEBALL I was.

RICHART The last three months you’ve been telling me you were a senior engineer.

(Beat)

CURVEBALL I meant senior.

RICHART Okay. (Beat) Cuz I just wanna make sure we got the story straight.

CURVEBALL (Unexpectedly hostile) You make me repeat myself over and over again!

RICHART Whoa, it’s fine. It’s fine. Just which is it?

(Beat)

CURVEBALL Senior.

RICHART Okay.

CURVEBALL Eventually.

(Beat)

RICHART Do I need to write this up?

CURVEBALL No. (Becoming buddy-buddy) Listen, my brother man. I am sorry. I get confused sometimes. I repeat myself over and over, you understand.

RICHART Okay...

CURVEBALL Tuesday let us go to Furlin. Get the government to pay.

RICHART And get my arsch fired.

CURVEBALL Only if they find out. (Off Richart’s hesitance) I will introduce you to Anke. (Extends his hand) But no writing.

(RICHART hesitates. Then takes CURVEBALL’S hand.)

RICHART No writing.

(THEY shake, CURVEBALL slaps RICHART on the back, then exits. RICHART looks at his computer, then off to where Curveball exited, then sits down at his computer and begins typing. In the CIA, BERRY and NELSON are reading.)

RICHART, BERRY Hydrangea. Supplemental Report. September 9th, 2001.

RICHART NOT A BIGGIE, BUT A POINT I THOUGHT I’D PASS ALONG – HE MIGHT’VE BEEN MORE JUNIOR THAN HE TOLD US. CAN’T SEE HOW IT MATTERS, HIS ACCOUNT STILL HOLDS UP STRONG. IT’S NOT LIKE IT’S A BILL OF GOODS HE SOLD US.

(Lights down on RICHART, up on NELSON and BERRY in Nelson’s office.)

BERRY Why’s he starting with the Hydrangea Reports again?

NELSON Because he's starting to have doubt.

BERRY Too late for doubt.

NELSON (Sighs) I dunno, I dunno. This doesn’t feel right, does it?

(JERRY comes to BOUCHARD’S office with a file.)

JERRY New Hydrangea report.

BOUCHARD (Looking at his cell phone) Hey, do you call your father on his birthday?

JERRY No.

BOUCHARD Ah.

JERRY I just go upstairs and tell him to his face.

BOUCHARD That makes sense.

JERRY If you don’t need anything else...

(JERRY starts to leave, BOUCHARD sighs loudly. JERRY stops, turns around.)

BOUCHARD Oh, nothing. It’s just that it was my birthday last week and I’m waiting to hear from my daughter.

JERRY Oh.

BOUCHARD Last time I heard from her was October.

JERRY Hmm.

BOUCHARD October ’92, when I got back from Iraq. She just wanted to make sure I was okay and we ended up fighting about something – I don’t remember what. She was terrible. She was really terrible to me.

(Nothing is said for a bit.)

JERRY Okay, good luck with that.

(JERRY exits. Lights down on BOUCHARD, we are back with NELSON and BERRY.)

NELSON Let’s take a step back here: one source, two language barriers, we have verification, but no direct access...

BERRY Hey, I wanted to let you know that I know.

NELSON You know what?

BERRY (Knowingly) You know.

(NELSON is silent.)

Shit. Sometimes I just say that to people and they tell me their secrets. I just say “I want you to know that I know,” they start talking. Mostly it works.

NELSON So we have no direct access...

BERRY Cuz I don’t know a thing about you.

NELSON And we still don’t have corroborating sources, no corroborating evidence...

BERRY (Sigh) Come on, company man, why you be crampin’ my style all the time?

NELSON (Genuinely offended) I don’t be crampin’.

BERRY Every conversation starter: shut down. Every lead I bring you: shut down. And now you wanna shut this down too? Really? You wanna set me back two months? Back to tracking aliens in my cubby next to the paper shredder?!

NELSON Are there aliens?

BERRY Of course there aren’t fucking aliens, that’s how inconsequential I was! And now, here, I’m making a splash. Doing something sexy. So I’ve gotta ride that as long as I can. Hey, you wanna have sex?

NELSON What? No.

BERRY Oh, okay. (Beat) I don’t read sexual energy, so I need to ask. (Long beat. BERRY has become more awkward than usual.) You think I’m weird.

NELSON No.

BERRY You think I’m a bitch.

NELSON I think you’re full of surprises.

BERRY God, I’m doing it, I’m doing the thing. Where is Jerry when I need him?

(JERRY appears outside Nelson’s office, watching Berry. Soft music begins to play.)

JERRY (Softly) YOU ARE THE BANJO THAT I’M STRUMMIN’ THE MERRY TUNE I’M HUMMIN’ FULL OF GLEE.

YOU ARE THE SYMPHONY THAT SLAYS ME MY MELODY THAT STAYS RIGHT IN KEY. YOU ARE MUSIC TO ME.

NELSON I don’t work out much. And I haven’t said the “F word” in ten years.

BERRY Why are you telling me that?

NELSON (Knowingly) Because... I’m full of surprises too.

BERRY Those are the worst fucking secrets I’ve ever heard. I got crabs once.

JERRY YOU ARE THE TONES OF MY PIANO MY CHORTLE-ING SOPRANO CHICKADEE. YOU ARE THE THEME OF MY CANTATA MY MASTERFUL SONATA IN G. YOU ARE MUSIC TO ME.

NELSON How ‘bout this: I say I lost my virginity when I was twenty-three, but actually I was seventeen.

BERRY I’m a Civil War Reenactor.

NELSON For which side?

BERRY Franco.

(Beat)

NELSON Wait, are you talking about the Spanish Civil War?

BERRY Why, what were you talking about?

JERRY GRATEFUL TEARS FILL MY EYES EVERY TIME WE HARMONIZE.

BERRY On paper I am a lonely and troubled person.

NELSON But in reality...?

BERRY I’m an analyst. What’s on paper is reality.

JERRY YOU ARE THE GUITAR THAT I’M STRUMMIN’

THE RHYTHM THAT I’M DRUMMIN’ FULL OF GLEE. YOU ARE THE SYMPHONY THAT SWEEPS ME THE TUNING FORK THAT KEEPS ME IN KEY.

ENSEMBLE YOU ARE MUSIC TO ME –

JERRY CAN’T YOU SEE?

NELSON On paper, our source has become unpredictable. And if what’s on paper is reality... we need to be careful.

BERRY Or we could look the other way and keep ridin’ the ole promotion caboose. (Beat) If we were bad at our jobs.

(Beat)

NELSON You know why I always “shut you down”? It’s because I have convictions, and you’re motivated by nonsense. Try conviction sometime.

(Burn. BERRY smiles, but she’s not cool.)

Curveball’s on hold till we clear up any contradictions. And for the record, I don’t give a fig about that promotion stuff. And neither should you.

(BERRY nods, steps out of Nelson’s office, sees JERRY across the hall.)

BERRY Jerry.

(SHE waves him over to her. JERRY steps to her.)

JERRY Yeah.

BERRY (Softly. JERRY mistakes it for romance.) I’ve been thinking about you.

JERRY Okay.

BERRY You’re sure Germany didn’t question his credibility, right? The first time around? (Beat, JERRY struggles.) Jerry?

JERRY Yeah. I’m sure.

BERRY Then we just found our conviction. (JERRY looks a bit uneasy.) Hey. You know I’m always here for you. Right, Awkwards Anonymous?

(SHE puts her arm around JERRY. HE smiles, nods. Lights down on JERRY and BERRY. NELSON is on the phone.)

NELSON Is this Fakhir?

(On the other end of the line, we see an undercover Iraqi agent, FAKHIR.)

FAKHIR (Cautiously) It's not not Fakhir.

NELSON You still undercover in Baghdad?

FAKHIR (Cautiously) I’m not not undercover in Baghdad.

NELSON Good. I need you to gather me some background on a guy. And I need you to keep it under wraps.

MUSIC VIDEO GIRLS WHO’S YO BAGHDADDY? WHO’S YO BAGHDADDY? BAGHDADDY NOW?

(RICHART and CURVEBALL are dressed up fancy, hitting Berlin hard.)

RICHART Alright, Curvie. Fly me to Fur-lin and beyond.

CURVEBALL Hells yes, ninja. We shall fuck this town up!

(During the following, CURVEBALL and RICHART hit Berlin, music video style.)

MUSIC VIDEO GIRLS THEY GONNA MAKE THIS WHOLE TOWN BURN

MALE VOICE LOOK OUT LADIES

MUSIC VIDEO GIRLS CUZ THERE’S REASON FOR CONCERN. THEY GONNA PAINT THIS WHOLE TOWN RED

MALE VOICE LOOK OUT LADIES

MUSIC VIDEO GIRLS THERE’S TROUBLE UP AHEAD THERE’S TROUBLE UP AHEAD.

CURVEBALL (Gangsta rap) LET ME TELL YOU WHAT IT IS BABY I’M YOUR BAGHDADDY NOT YOUR CAMEL CABBY LADY YOUR RICE PADDY I’M YOUR BAD IRAQUI BAD EVEN THOUGH YOU THINK I’M SHABBY THINK I STINK? I BET YOU COOK BADLY

NO I DON’T WEAR A TURBAN

AIN’T NO LOWLIFE VERMIN I’M AN URBAN GERMAN AND I’LL GET YOU SQUIRMIN’

SO DON’T TALK SMACK TO ME TURN YOUR BACK TO ME GIVE ME FLACK, YOU SEE YOU DON’T MEAN JACK TO ME. I’M NOT A BAG LADY I’M YOUR BAGHDADDY.

MUSIC VIDEO GIRLS THEY GONNA MAKE THIS WHOLE TOWN BURN

MALE VOICE LOOK OUT LADIES

MUSIC VIDEO GIRLS CUZ THERE’S REASON FOR CONCERN. THEY GONNA PAINT THIS WHOLE TOWN RED

MALE VOICE LOOK OUT LADIES

MUSIC VIDEO GIRLS THERE’S TROUBLE UP AHEAD THERE’S TROUBLE UP AHEAD.

(NELSON’s on the phone with FAKHIR.)

FAKHIR I think you don't not have a serious problem, my friend. Intel is still coming in, but this is not not bad. Very not not bad.

NELSON Can you give me the Spark Notes?

FAKHIR Curveball isn’t not who he says he isn’t. Nowhere near.

NELSON What do you mean?

RICHART WHAT IT’S ABOUT IS I’M YOUR KRAUT BABY

WITHOUT A DOUBT BABY CHILLIN’ OUT DRINKIN’ STOUT

HERE’S MY FRANKFURTER YOU CAN TASTE MY MUSTARD I’LL TRY YOUR CUSTARD I LIKE MUNCHEN ON IT LIKE A MUENSTER-COVERED HAMBURGER

BABY I’M YOUR LAMB HERDER GET YOU BAHHIN’ GET YOU OOHIN’ AND AHHIN’ GET YOUR CROW CAW CAWIN’

I’M A BEEMER HAULIN’ ON THE FAST LANE OF YOUR AUTOBAHN I’LL CONQUER YOU LIKE GHENGIS KAHN

I’M A GRAND MASTER YOU’RE A PAWN I’M MOVIN’ IN MY DIRECTION YOU’RE MY OVEN AND I’M YOUR CONVECTION I’LL HEAT UP EVERY SECTION THEN ADD YOU TO MY COLLECTION WHICH IS GROWIN’ BY THE HOUR

I’M YOUR KRAUT BABY DON’T MAKE ME SOUR.

MUSIC VIDEO GIRLS THEY GONNA MAKE THIS WHOLE TOWN BURN

MALE VOICE LOOK OUT LADIES

MUSIC VIDEO GIRLS CUZ THERE’S REASON FOR CONCERN. THEY GONNA PAINT THIS WHOLE TOWN RED

MALE VOICE LOOK OUT LADIES

MUSIC VIDEO GIRLS THERE’S TROUBLE UP AHEAD THERE’S TROUBLE UP AHEAD.

(NELSON with BOUCHARD, BERRY and JERRY who is on the phone.)

NELSON He claims to have graduated top of his class at University of Baghdad, their records show that he did not.

BOUCHARD Okay.

NELSON He claims to have worked for CEDC two years before the government recruited him, but CEDC says he was fired after one.

BOUCHARD I get it.

NELSON He’s done time twice, once for petty theft, once for assault and battery.

BOUCHARD He’s not credible.

NELSON No, he’s not credible. So why did I get a sign off from my "expert" telling me he was!

BOUCHARD No, no, no, that’s not my job.

NELSON Yes it gosh darn is your job!!

BOUCHARD (Continuous) I vetted the message, not the messenger. And it checks out! Whether he lies about this other stuff is irrelevant, the intel is good!

NELSON If he’s not credible, there is no intel. You know that. We have to shut the whole thing down. (To JERRY) Is Richart on the phone yet?

(JERRY shakes his head.)

BERRY Where’d you get this new intel on Curveball.

NELSON You don't have clearance. Sorry.

BERRY You’re going behind our back, company man?

NELSON (To JERRY) Is he on yet?

BERRY (To NELSON) Hey. I’m talking to you.

JERRY (To NELSON) No, I’ll try again.

BERRY Hey!

NELSON Brushing off a call from the CIA?! What could that kid possibly be doing?

(CURVEBALL and RICHART are miles past sloppy drunk.)

RICHART Look how much I can fit in my mouth!

(GERMAN PATRONS cheer as RICHART pours as many shots in his mouth as possible, then swallows.)

CURVEBALL Shots all around courtesy of the German government!

(GERMAN PATRONS cheer.)

I’M NOT PLAYIN’ GAMES HERE I’M TAKIN’ NAMES HERE MY ONLY AIM HERE IS TO TAME YOUR FLAME

NOW I KNOW I’M STAYIN’ HERE I’M DOIN’ SOME DECAYIN’ PREYIN’ ON WHAT YOU’RE DISPLAYIN’ SO NO MORE DELAYIN’ START OBEYIN’

DON’T BE A NAG HAG THIS BRO AIN’T RAGTAG SO LET’S GO SHAG SHAG THEN YOU CAN BRAG BRAG

THAT’S MY BAG BABY NOW CARRY MY BAG CADDY I’M NOT A BAG LADY I’M YOUR BAGHDADDY.

RICHART BABY, YOU CAN’T HIDE BEHIND THAT BERLIN WALL IT’LL ROT YOU CLIMB OVER THAT WALL, BABY I’LL SPOT YOU

OR ELSE I’LL RIP IT DOWN, BABY BASH IT PIECE BY PIECE MAKE YOUR PULSE RATE INCREASE UNITE MY WEST WITH YOUR EAST

I’LL MERGE YOUR ECONOMY YOU’LL LOSE YOUR AUTONOMY SUBMIT TO MY REGIME WHERE I’LL REIGN SUPREME

SO ‘SCUZE ME FOR RUSHIN’ BUT I’M PRUSSIAN END OF DISCUSSION

LET’S GO YOU LITTLE FLOWER LET’S GO JUMP IN THE SHOWER

I’M YOUR KRAUT BABY DON’T MAKE ME SOUR.

(JERRY, who is on phone, in the room with BOUCHARD, NELSON and BERRY.)

JERRY Guys. We need to go upstairs.

ENSEMBLE (Softly underneath) DA DA DA DA DA DA DA DA

BERRY What’s up?

JERRY There’s been a hijacking. Four planes - two in Boston, one in Newark, one from Dulles.

NELSON Alright, let’s check it out. But whatever’s going on out there doesn’t change a thing.

CURVEBALL I’M YO BAGHDADDY! BABY I’M YO BAGHDADDY!

ENSEMBLE (Ominously) THERE’S TROUBLE UP AHEAD.

End of Act I

Who's Your Baghdaddy? (3.27.14) II-1

ACT II

ENSEMBLE (Quietly and ominously) BLACK TOWER OF SMOKE CAVES AND CRASHES MASHES.

GREY WALL OF DUST SOOT AND ASHES THRASHES.

(The volume builds and becomes more piercing, more hurt.)

WE WILL TRACK YOU FIND YOU OWN YOU CHANGE OF GAME CHANGE OF TONE.

(An OVERLY DRAMATIC NEWS REPORTER appears.)

OVERLY DRAMATIC NEWS REPORTER (To camera) This just in: everything is not cool here. And if you’re a terrorist, it’s definitely about to be not cool where you are too. Because even though we may not know where Afghanistan is, our military probably does, so watch out!

DRAMATIC NEWS REPORTER AND ENSEMBLE WHEN THE SEETHING OF OUR WRATH SURROUNDS YOU – A THUNDERCLOUD. AND OUR SHOCK AND AWE RAINS DOWN AND POUNDS YOU TILL OUR

ALL BLUE BLAZE OF FIRE COMES AND WAKES YOU SHAKES YOU.

OUR WHITE FIST OF MIGHT UP AND TAKES YOU BREAKS YOU.

WE WILL TRACK YOU FIND YOU MAIM YOU MAKE YOU GROAN BEAT THE DRUM CHANGE OF GAME CHANGE OF TONE.

(BOUCHARD is being interviewed on camera.)

INTERVIEWER (To camera) Sam, I’m here with Middle-East expert Martin Bouchard to discuss the potential link between Al Qaeda and Saddam Hussein. Martin?

BOUCHARD First of all, we should note that I was also Chief Weapons Inspector to the U.N. in the 90’s. Now, yes, there is some evidence suggesting a link between Saddam and the attacks, but let’s talk about the substantial evidence linking Saddam to biological weapons. As I wrote in my Compendium... have you read my Compendium?

INTERVIEWER No, I don’t believe I have.

BOUCHARD Okay, well, it’s on the UNSCOM website.

INTERVIEWER Uh huh.

BOUCHARD Okay, well you should read it. (To camera, over-smiling) Everyone should read it! Then send me in - I’ll find those weapons, and we’ll nail those buggers!

INTERVIEWER Al Qaeda?

BOUCHARD Sure, them too! (Spotlight on BOUCHARD as we hear his inner monologue.) WHEN THE HELICOPTER CAMS DETECT THEM – HIS MOBILE LABS. OH! AND THEY ASK ME “MARTIN, PLEASE INSPECT THEM” CHANGE OF GAME...

ALL WHEN THE SEETHING OF OUR WRATH SURROUNDS YOU – A THUNDERCLOUD. AND OUR SHOCK AND AWE RAINS DOWN AND POUNDS YOU TILL OUR

RED SEA OF RAGE COMES AND SOAKS YOU CHOKES YOU.

OUR BLACK TOWER OF SMOKE UP AND CROAKS YOU CLOAKS YOU.

WE WILL TRACK YOU FIND YOU MAIM YOU LIGHT THE TORCH BEAT THE DRUM TIME TO SCORCH HERE WE COME CHANGE OF GAME CHANGE OF TONE CHANGE OF TONE...

(Lights up on BERRY and JERRY in their new office. Two STATE DEPARTMENT OFFICIALS enter. THEY are kind of accidentally goofy - Keystone Cops type characters.)

STATE DEP’T OFFICIAL DEE Knock knock.

STATE DEP’T OFFICIAL DUM Who’s there?

BOTH STATE DEP’T OFFICIALS (Showing credentials) State Department.

STATE DEP’T OFFICIAL DEE Wondering if we could borrow a moment of your time.

STATE DEP’T OFFICIAL DUM We’re gathering intelligence ya see, on the events of Tuesday, September the 11th.

STATE DEP’T OFFICIAL DEE Where were you two during said time?

BERRY At work?

STATE DEP’T OFFICIAL DUM And by “work” do you mean...

STATE DEP’T OFFICIAL DEE ...hijacking planes?

BERRY No.

BOTH STATE DEP’T OFFICIALS Dammit.

STATE DEP’T OFFICIAL DUM For a minute there I thought we had them.

STATE DEP’T OFFICIAL DEE Well, in that case, are there any other leads you can share with...

BOTH STATE DEP’T OFFICIALS (Showing credentials) State Department.

JERRY We’re not even assigned to...

STATE DEP’T OFFICIAL DUM Oh, it doesn’t have to be on them plane attacks, ya see. We’re taking other stuff too.

STATE DEP’T OFFICIAL DEE Syria?

STATE DEP’T OFFICIAL DUM Iran? Or the golden ticket...

BOTH STATE DEP’T OFFICIALS Iraq.

ALL CHANGE OF GAME...

(BERRY and JERRY stare at each other.)

BERRY What happens if we have a golden ticket?

STATE DEP’T OFFICIAL DEE With a golden ticket, you can brief Colin Powell yourself.

JERRY Shouldn’t we talk to Nelson?

STATE EMPLOYEE DUM And the White House.

BERRY Nelson goes behind our back. We can go behind his.

STATE DEP’T OFFICIAL DEE (Whispered) And you can tour the chocolate factory.

(NELSON in the Support Group.)

NELSON Can I talk?

LEADER (Pleased) Yes. Yes, of course Nelson, please. I’ve been hoping you would.

NELSON It’s just that none of this is protocol.

(Beat. NELSON is finished.)

LEADER And how do you feel about that?

NELSON No, that’s all I wanted to say.

LEADER Okay.

NELSON (Nearly continuous) The State Department should have come to me. None of this would have happened if we had just followed procedure.

LEADER You say "we," are you attributing blame to yourself?

NELSON Rules exist for a reason. If they seem counterintuitive and counterproductive it’s because you’re assuming they’re for you. They’re not for you, they’re for the system. Adult swim. Obstructive to you, child who wants to be in the pool, but helpful to the parents. Bike paths. Obstructive to you, pedestrian and motorist, but helpful to the biker and hello, the environment. Equitable gravy distribution. Obstructive to you, fat man at Thanksgiving, but helpful to the slimmer gravy enthusiasts, such as myself. Manipulate the rules, the system falls apart. Case in point: Analysis reports to Operations, Operations to the Second in Command, praise him, Second in Command to Director Tenet, Tenet to the White House. These are the rules, and they’re not for you, they’re for all of us. But when those planes hit, the rules changed and the system collapsed. So, to answer your question, no, I don’t blame myself because I maintained my respect for the rules when everyone around me faltered.

SPIRITUAL WOMAN Does the heart have rules?

NELSON Yes. It keeps beating or you die.

SPIRITUAL WOMAN Sometimes one can only find life if one has died a thousand deaths.

NELSON What are you talking about?

SPIRITUAL WOMAN (Meaningfully) What am I talking about?

NELSON (Moving forward) I’m not like the rest of you. I didn’t start this war. And here’s how.

(A projection reads: “How Nelson Didn’t Start the Iraq War.” NELSON is on the phone, HERR GIMMLEVOGUT picks up the other end.)

HERR GIMMLEVOGUT This is Germany.

NELSON Curveball is a fraud and I need you to prove it.

HERR GIMMLEVOGUT I’d love to help, but that sounds hard. (Calling) Richart!

RICHART (Calling from the distance) What?

HERR GIMMLEVOGUT Phone! CIA!

RICHART In a minute!

HERR GIMMLEVOGUT Nein, in a minute, it is long distance!

RICHART I said in a minute!

HERR GIMMLEVOGUT Curveball is a fraud and he needs you to prove it he says!

(Beat. RICHART enters, takes the phone.)

RICHART Hello?

HERR GIMMLEVOGUT And clean your station when you’re finished.

(HERR GIMMLEVOGUT exits. RICHART speaks into the phone.)

RICHART Hello?

NELSON Curveball’s résumé is a lie top to bottom, which calls his whole story into question.

RICHART (Slow down, dude) Wha?

NELSON (Continuous) You need to bring him back in, grill him on every detail, try to trip him up, break him.

RICHART What? Why?

NELSON So I can decide if we should shut him down.

RICHART Shut him down? Whoa, whoa, I don’t take orders from you.

NELSON It’d be a favor.

RICHART I don’t do favors either. I’m done hasslin’ Abu, okay?

NELSON Abu?

RICHART (Continuous) He’s a citizen now, and we’re tight. We’re wingmen.

NELSON Understood... well, then... you should know... that I know.

(Beat)

RICHART You know what?

NELSON (Knowingly and also hating himself) You know.

(Beat)

RICHART Furlin?

NELSON (?) Mm hmm. That.

RICHART How’d you find out?

NELSON I’m a professional spy. Now, how do you think your agency would feel if they knew about... Furlin?

RICHART Please don’t. Please, please, please don’t tell them.

NELSON Then here’s how it’s going to play:

(CURVEBALL and RICHART are in interrogation.)

CURVEBALL Come, brother man Richart, I have told you everything. Many times! You ask me how I built the labs, I tell you. You ask me how I designed the storage facility, I tell you.

RICHART I know, I’m sorry.

CURVEBALL (Continuous) Let us skip this and get more hot puss and things.

RICHART If you really want hot puss, then let’s talk through the story one more time, on the record. The CIA will leave us alone and the hot puss will run. It will runneth over.

CURVEBALL Oh, sharmotah on the CIA. And sharmotah on you!

RICHART You know, you’re kinda starting to piss me off.

(CURVEBALL spits in RICHART’S face, RICHART pushes CURVEBALL down into a chair. Beat.)

CURVEBALL What do you want to know that I have not already told you?

RICHART I need to know if everything you told me actually happened.

(Beat)

CURVEBALL I am not a liar.

RICHART So tell it to me again.

(RICHART pulls out a tape recorder. Presses record. NELSON in his office. HE reads aloud.)

NELSON To the desk of Tyler Nelson: Hydrangea. 31st report.

(RICHART speaks into the tape recorder.)

RICHART WE HAVE FOUND THE SUBJECT TO HAVE LOST A BIT OF CHARM. HIS PATIENCE FOR OUR FOLLOW-UP GROWS OLD.

BUT WE DON’T CONSIDER THIS A REASON FOR ALARM AS LONG AS HE STANDS BY WHAT HE HAS TOLD.

(Lights up on CURVEBALL.)

CURVEBALL I NEVER SAID I WAS THE MASTERMIND - I WAS JUST ANOTHER FIELD-HAND WHO SUPERVISED CONSTRUCTION SOME OF THE TIME.

STOP DOING THIS, STOP ACCUSING ME OF THESE BULLSHIT CONTRADICTIONS LIKE I’M ON TRIAL FOR SOME KIND OF BIG CRIME.

NELSON 33rd report.

RICHART (Faster) HE FINE-TUNES HIS STORY A SIGNIFICANT AMOUNT. IN AND OF ITSELF, NO CAUSE TO FRET.

HIS OWN ROLE GETS MORE MODEST WITH EACH PASSING DAY’S ACCOUNT, UNLIKE ALL THE LIARS WHO WE VET.

CURVEBALL (Faster still) I NEVER SAID I SAW THE ACCIDENT, BUT MY FRIEND BARELY SURVIVED IT. HIS DAD HAD NO SUCH LUCK, I WENT TO HIS WAKE.

NELSON 34th report.

CURVEBALL (Faster still, losing control) I NEVER MEANT TO SAY THE ACCIDENT HAD TO DO WITH THAT GERM PROJECT - IF I SAID THAT THEN I MADE A MISTAKE.

RICHART You realize these stories directly contradict the information you supplied us for months!

CURVEBALL STOP DOING THIS, STOP CONFUSING ME. I TELL WHAT I REMEMBER! IT WAS YEARS AGO SO GIVE A FUCKING BREAK!!

(Lights down on CURVEBALL and RICHART. NELSON in the Support Group.)

NELSON That was all I needed to make it die that day. If we had followed protocol, it would have died that day. I was on my way to file the burn notice when I saw this:

(Lights up on a NEWS REPORTER.)

NEWS REPORTER (Into camera) The President shocked the world this evening when he announced the following at his State of the Union address:

(NELSON watches the State of the Union address.)

PRESIDENT BUSH (V.O.) “From an Iraqi defector we know that Iraq, in the late 1990s, had several mobile weapons labs. These are designed to produce germ warfare agents and can be moved from place to place to evade inspectors. Saddam Hussein has not disclosed these facilities. He’s given no evidence that he has destroyed them.”

(NELSON turns off the television. Beat. Then, grandly:)

NELSON FUUUUUUUUUUUUDGE me. (To the Support Group) Excuse me. (HE sits.) I was blindsided. How did the White House find out about Curveball? Why wasn’t I consulted? My first thought was to seek the Second in Command, but since that process tended to be so utterly futile and unpleasant, I tried Berry first. I found her in a conference room. And she wasn’t alone.

(NELSON walks into a conference room where BERRY, JERRY, BOUCHARD, and STATE DEPARTMENT OFFICIALS sit.)

STATE DEP’T OFFICIAL DUM (Caught) Ooo... Agent Nelson. We were just... uh... it’s not what it looks like...

STATE DEP’T OFFICIAL DEE (Caught) He wasn’t... um... I mean...

STATE DEP’T OFFICIAL DUM Getting briefed by your colleagues. On Curveball. I mean we were.

NELSON I’m not their colleague on this case. I’m their superior.

STATE DEP’T OFFICIAL DEE Wait, did we not invite you?

STATE DEP’T OFFICIAL DUM (Covering with whoopsies) Oh, Gayle, see, I told you we forgot something.

STATE DEP’T OFFICIAL DEE Whoopsie!

STATE DEP’T OFFICIAL DUM Double whoopsie! Well... (This is awkward) ...thanks for stopping by.

NELSON You can’t speak to these people without speaking to me first. This is a violation of the chain, and the Second in Command...

BERRY, JERRY, BOUCHARD Praise him.

NELSON (Continuously) ...whom I praise vigorously, will...

STATE DEP’T OFFICIAL DEE Oh, we spoke to the Second in Command.

(NELSON is shocked.)

STATE DEP’T OFFICIAL DUM He kind of... said we should deal with Agent Stanton...

STATE DEP’T OFFICIAL DEE ... without you... so...

(Beat. NELSON contains his rage in a bodysuit of professionalism.)

NELSON I see. Well. If His Controliness wishes it so.

BERRY He does. He told me personally.

NELSON Mmmm. She can’t speak to the Second, it violates the chain of command.

BERRY That’s what I told him.

STATE DEP’T OFFICIAL DUM He’s made her liaison to the State Department on Curveball.

(NELSON lets a moan escape, covers his mouth.)

STATE DEPARTMENT DEE So I’m afraid, in this meeting, what she says goes.

(NELSON starts to shake a little.)

BERRY Company man can stay if he wants.

STATE DEP’T OFFICIAL DEE Oh. Okay. Would you like to stay, Company Man?

NELSON Yes.

(NELSON sits.)

STATE DEP’T OFFICIAL DUM (Condescendingly) Are you... forgetting something?

NELSON Thank you.

STATE DEP’T OFFICIAL DEE Thank you...?

NELSON (Painfully) Thank you, Agent Stanton.

(BERRY smiles.)

STATE DEP’T OFFICIAL DUM Back to business. We’d like to include the Curveball intel in Colin Powell’s speech before the U.N...

NELSON No!!

STATE DEP’T OFFICIAL DUM Excuse me?

NELSON (Stands) Absolutely not, the source isn’t...

STATE DEP’T OFFICIAL DEE (Interrupting) I’m sorry, Agent Nelson, but this isn’t your meeting.

NELSON I know but...

STATE DEP’T OFFICIAL DUM (Interrupting) And interrupting other people’s meetings isn’t something company men do. Didn’t we just hear you’re a company man, Agent Nelson?

(NELSON struggles, sits.)

STATE DEP’T OFFICIAL DEE Okay...

NELSON (Standing) Fuck this. There I said it. The latest reports from Curveball’s handler demonstrate, I believe conclusively, that he is an unsuitable source.

(NELSON hands the files to STATE DEP’T OFFICIAL DEE. BERRY stiffens.)

STATE DEP’T OFFICIAL DEE Oh, dear.

STATE DEP’T OFFICIAL DUM Oh, double dear.

STATE DEP’T OFFICIAL DEE This does change things.

STATE DEP’T OFFICIAL DUM And why weren’t we informed of this previously, Agent Stanton?

BOUCHARD (Standing) If I can, guys. Whether or not Curveball is credible, we can’t ignore the fact that the statements he gave validate our well-documented theories. Have you read my Compendium?

STATE DEP’T OFFICIAL DEE Your what?

BOUCHARD My Compendium. It’s on the UNSCOM website.

STATE DEP’T OFFICIAL DUM Do we have clearance?

BOUCHARD Yes, it’s on the public site, it’s... everyone in the world has... You know what? Nevermind.

(BOUCHARD sits, discouraged.)

STATE DEP’T OFFICIAL DUM No, you were saying?

BOUCHARD All I’m saying is you send me in there and I’ll find those weapons. You just send me right on in.

BERRY Grandpa’s right.

(Somewhat funky music starts to play.)

The evidence is overwhelming that Curveball's original story is true regardless of what he changed after being... harassed or whatever.

NELSON Oh, come on.

BERRY (To NELSON) But legities question: what if he was lying? What if he made the entire thing up? Does that mean there aren’t weapons?

NELSON This guy’s our only eyewitness. If he’s a liar...

BERRY (Interrupting) Not what I’m asking. What I’m asking is do you truly believe, in your heart, that Saddam Hussein doesn’t have WMDs? Actually, let me try something... (To the room) Raise your hand if you think Saddam Hussein doesn’t have WMDs. (Beat. Nobody moves.) Raise your hand if you have doubt. (Beat. Nobody moves.) So what are we talking about? There’s innocent lives at stake here, people. We’re all men of conviction. Let’s fucking do this.

(The music stops. The room is silent. BERRY sits.)

STATE DEP’T OFFICIAL DUM Agent Nelson, do you have any objections?

(NELSON considers.)

NELSON (Calmly) You know what I think? I think you don’t care about innocent lives so much. I think you just don’t want to go back to tracking aliens.

STATE DEP’T OFFICIAL DEE (Under breath to STATE DEP’T OFFICIAL DUM) I knew there were aliens.

NELSON And know what that makes you?

BERRY I dunno, company man. A bitch?

NELSON And it’s such a shame, because you don’t have to be. (HE stands, defiantly.) I appeal to the Second in Command! Alert the guards!

(ALL gasp.)

HOLY HERALD He appealeth to the Second in Command!

HOLY HERALD 2 He appealeth to the Second in Command!

(The room fills with smoke. Royal music. The stage is flooded with the SERVANTS OF SECOND IN COMMAND, dressed in robes, and carrying paperwork. The paperwork is assembled on the wall in such a way that it creates a giant Wizard of Oz like face. And this is the SECOND IN COMMAND - a manmade completely of paperwork.)

SERVANTS OH OH OH HE COMETH OH OH OH HE COMETH OH OH OH HE COMETH THE SECOND IN COMMAND...

SECOND IN COMMAND SPEAK MY SON, SPEAK MY SON SPEAK MY SON – UNLOAD YOUR CARES AND BURDENS.

NELSON YOUR BUREAUCRACY, HAVE I EVER DARED NOT BOW TO THOSE ABOVE ME? EVER DARED REFUSE TO HONOR THEIR COMMANDMENTS? BUT HERE I HAVE NO OPTION.

I SINK TO MY KNEES AS THE THOUGHT OF WHAT WE DOETH WEAKENS ME.

PLEASE! JUST THIS ONCE! RECONSIDER THE ROAD WE CHOOSE! WE’LL HAVE BLOOD ON OUR HANDS - REMORSE IN OUR SOULS. READ THROUGH MY PLEA! YOU MUST READ THROUGH IT, PLEASE.

SERVANTS OH OH OH HE THINKETH OH OH OH HE THINKETH OH OH OH HE THINKETH THE SECOND IN COMMAND...

SECOND IN COMMAND WE SHOULD JAM ON THE BRAKES OF THE TRAIN, MY SON, YOU YOURSELF SAID THAT WE SHOULD RUN?

BEST BEWARE OF THE PERILOUS PATH YOU TREAD, MY SON.

NELSON A PATH THEY SHUT ME OUT OF.

SECOND IN COMMAND WE SHOULD VOID THE DECREE HANDED DOWN, MY SON, ALL BECAUSE THOSE YOU FOUGHT HAVE WON?

NELSON A DECREE THAT ISN'T VALID.

SECOND IN COMMAND DON'T YOU KNOW THERE ARE TIMES WHAT GOES DOWN IS PREORDAINED BY A HIGHER POWER?

NELSON YOUR BUREAUCRACY - I WOULD NEVER DARE NOT BOW TO THOSE ABOVE ME - NEVER DARE REFUSE TO HONOR THEIR COMMANDMENTS BUT THEY DEFILED THE SYSTEM.

SECOND IN COMMAND The system changed.

NELSON The system broke. The rung below me spoke to the rung above me, and I fell off completely.

SECOND IN COMMAND The system works in mysterious ways. Now, complete three R-fath-Rs [“our fathers"] and be on your way.

NELSON R-Fath-Rs? You mean Report of Finding that Appeal has been Thoroughly Resolved Forms? Sir, my appeal has not been resolved.

SECOND IN COMMAND I disagree. That will be all, my son.

(NELSON turns to exit. Then stops himself.)

NELSON RULES AREN’T THERE TO PICK AND CHOOSE WHICH TO KEEP AND WHICH TO LOSE, WHICH ONES, “HEY, WHY NOT ABUSE?”

EV’RY RULE PLAYS ITS OWN ROLE, EV’RY PART HOLDS UP THE WHOLE, LEAVE ONE OUT, YOU LOSE CONTROL.

THE RULES YOU BREAK WILL EXTRACT THEIR TAKE WE ALL HARVEST WHAT WE SOW.

The other night I looked my son in the eye and told him his dad was made Deputy Executive Director because he followed the rules his whole life, never broke them. And if that’s not true, what do I tell him when I get home?

That kid who fought and scraped his way into honors classes because he wants to be like his dad?

(Beat)

SECOND IN COMMAND You've been made Dep Exec? You sure about that?

(Beat)

NELSON Well, I mean... It’s not official yet... I mean, you’re right, sir. I suppose I was... getting a bit ahead of myself. Looking to the future.

SECOND IN COMMAND I know not what your future holds, my son. But after this display of... recklessness, I expect an enhanced title will not be in it.

NELSON I’ll leak to the press.

(The musical pulse stops.)

SECOND IN COMMAND Pardon?

NELSON Pull Curveball or I’ll leak this to the press. Then we’ll let the public decide which of us is more reckless.

(A NEWS REPORTER speaks.)

NEWS REPORTER Suspense mounts as the nation awaits Colin Powell’s upcoming remarks to the U.N. Security Council. Will the Secretary of State argue in favor of military force in Iraq? The answer... will be known... right now. Yes he will.

(NELSON at home, a phone rings.)

NELSON Nelson.

(Head of CIA, GEORGE TENET, is on the other line. TENET is all business.)

TENET Nelson, this is George Tenet.

NELSON Oh. I wasn’t expecting you, sir.

TENET Yes, well I’m very unexpected. The Second in Command tells me you have concerns about the Bio-Weapons source? The one Powell’s gonna use in his speech tonight?

NELSON Yes! Yes, very much so.

TENET And that you’ve been throwing around the “L” word?

NELSON You mean, “leak”. Well. I’ve been thinking about it, sir, and if the proper course isn’t...

TENET (Interrupting) Tyler, you still set on being Dep Exec?

NELSON Oh. I... don’t give a fig about that stuff, sir.

TENET What about the Second in Command?

NELSON What about him?

TENET Would you like... to be him.

NELSON Sir?

TENET (Spelling it out) McCann’s on the way out, and I’m asking if you’d like to replace him?

NELSON Oh. Can I... (Beat) Can I have some time to...

TENET Fine, I’ll give it to Jacobs.

NELSON No! I want it! (Softly) I want it. I really want it.

TENET Then it’s yours. Congratulations.

NELSON Thank you, sir.

TENET As long as you forget this Powell business.

NELSON Oh.

(The pulse of the music cuts out.)

TENET Your little waves are starting to build momentum, and the last thing I need around here is a tsunami. Take the job and shut the mouth, alright?

(NELSON struggles.)

Tyler? Are you gonna be a company man or a pain in my ass?

(NELSON struggles for a good while.)

NELSON (Mumbled) Company man.

TENET What’s that?

NELSON Company man. I’m... I’m a company man.

TENET Welcome to the officers' club.

(TENET hangs up. NELSON sits, stunned at his own behavior, and turns on the television. The speech is on.)

COLIN POWELL (V.O.) “My colleagues, every statement I make today is backed up by sources, solid sources. We have firsthand descriptions of biological weapons factories on wheels and on rails.”

ENSEMBLE (Mournfully) TOO BAD, NELSON.

COLIN POWELL (V.O.) “The source was an eyewitness, an Iraqi chemical engineer who supervised one of these facilities.”

(NELSON stands slowly, in self-disgust.)

ENSEMBLE (Mournfully) GOOD OLD, NELSON.

COLIN POWELL (V.O.) “This defector is currently hiding in another country with the certain knowledge that Saddam Hussein will kill him if he finds him. There can be no doubt that Saddam Hussein has biological weapons and the capability to rapidly produce more, many more.”

(NELSON stands on a chair, pulls a rope from the ceiling.)

ENSEMBLE TOO BAD, NELSON. GOOD OLD, NELSON.

(NELSON starts doing pull ups on the rope.)

LEADER So that’s when you started working out.

(NELSON finishes his pull-ups, takes his seat in the Support Group.)

LEADER (CONT’D) You seem like you blame yourself.

NELSON There’s nothing to blame myself for. Like I said, I’m not like the rest of you.

LEADER Is that really how you feel?

NELSON What I feel is I did everything I could. Just because I failed doesn’t mean I didn’t try.

LEADER Do you believe that?

NELSON (Exploding) So I took the job! After everything I gave to the agency it was mine to take! It was my turn! If I passed over one thing along the way, it doesn’t matter, it doesn’t matter, it would have happened anyway, it all would have happened anyway!

LEADER Okay.

NELSON I deserved that title! After everything I’d done I deserved that, I deserved...!

LEADER Okay.

NELSON Fine. I’m Tyler Nelson, and I started... (Beat) I’m not a hero. I did the best I could. Tell me I did the best I could.

(NELSON struggles.)

NELSON (CONT’D) Tell me I did the best I could. (Beat) I’m Tyler Nelson. And I...

(NELSON is still for a good while, then stands up and leaves.)

LEADER (After a pause) He’ll come back. He’ll keep coming back. Until he accepts it. (Beat) We’re almost done for the day. Martin, would you like to share anything before we go? (Beat) Martin? (Beat) Martin?

JERRY Martin, where is it?

(BOUCHARD, BERRY and JERRY are in a weapons factory in Iraq. A projection reads “How Things End Where They Began.”)

JERRY (CONT’D) Martin, where’s the Clostridium Botulinum? Where’s the Anthrax?

BOUCHARD It’s here. It’s definitely here, we just need to keep looking.

(A NEWS REPORTER appears.)

NEWS REPORTER This just in: it’s definitely here, we just need to keep looking. I mean, why else would we have invaded? And now, just forty-three days after the “conflict’s” outset, we’ve flown out our finest crackerjacks to nail it down and lock it up.

(BERRY, JERRY and BOUCHARD in a new warehouse.)

BOUCHARD Okay, location two - there is definitely treasure to be troved.

BERRY Let’s do it.

BOUCHARD HE HID THE PROJECT IN THIS MILL NORTHEAST OF TOWN TO MASK THE SOUNDS AND SMELLS THAT THEY’D CREATE.

(JERRY swabs the floor.)

BUT THEIR WORK LEFT A RESIDUE THAT STAINED THE WALLS LIGHT BROWN.

(JERRY puts the swab in a machine, it beeps negatively.)

CHECK FOR THAT AND SOON WE’LL HAVE CHECK MATE.

JERRY Nothing here.

BERRY Location four.

BOUCHARD HOW DIVINELY AT LAST WE FIN’LLY MAKE GOOD ON OUR CAREERS!

GIVE A HALLELUJAH ONE AND ALL – VIC’TRY NEARS!

I HEAR THE BELLS OF VIC’TRY RINGING ALL THROUGH MY EARS!

OH YEAH MY EARS... EARS...

(JERRY places another swab in a chemical reader.)

JERRY Nothing.

BOUCHARD Try a different spot.

BERRY Over here.

(THEY go to another section of the facility, swab the floor, and put it through the reader. Same result.)

BERRY (CONT’D) He must’ve... bleached the floor here too.

JERRY Right.

NEWS REPORTER And even more just in, Dana - another search has begun in Germany, as Curveball has fled BND housing. Curveball - now elusive as the weapons he created.

(Lights up on RICHART, speaking into his tape recorder.)

RICHART WE HAVE LOST THE SUBJECT, BUT WE THINK WE’RE ON HIS TRAIL, HOPING THAT HE’S JUST AROUND THE BEND. NEVER CROSSED MY MIND TO THINK THIS WHOLE THING COULD DERAIL – CAN’T BELIEVE I THOUGHT HE WAS MY FRIEND.

(BERRY, JERRY and BOUCHARD continue to search.)

BOUCHARD Location nine. This one’ll have it.

BERRY Let’s do it.

BOUCHARD THE WAREHOUSE NEEDED ALTERING TO SCREEN INCOMING TRAILERS FROM THE SEARCHING EYES OF SATELLITES. HE DESIGNED A SECRET DOOR - A MASTERSTROKE DELUXE. THIS IS HOW HE HID THEM FROM OUR SIGHTS.

JERRY Location fifteen.

BOUCHARD OH HOW WACKY THAT ONE IRAQUI COULD FOOL US ALL THESE YEARS- YEARS!

JERRY Location twenty.

BOUCHARD YEARS!

JERRY Location twenty-two.

BOUCHARD YEARS!

(Nothing is there. JERRY has lost his enthusiasm.)

BERRY Let’s check the walls one more time.

(RICHART is in the streets of Berlin, looking for Curveball.)

RICHART WE HAVE LEARNED THE SUBJECT FAILS TO PAY HIS TAB IN BARS AND DOESN’T PAY THE FARE WHEN HE RIDES TRAINS. HE HAS GROWN A TENDENCY TO PILFER FINE CIGARS – HAVEN’T FOUND HIM, BUT WE’RE MAKING GAINS.

(GERMAN OFFICER walks by.)

Excuse me, Herr Police Officer. Detective Richart Becker.

(RICHART flashes his credentials, and pulls out a picture of CURVEBALL.)

Have you seen this man?

GERMAN OFFICER We took this man in last night. He’s in a holding / cell...

RICHART Took him in for what?

(Back to JERRY, BERRY and BOUCHARD, who are exhausted from checking the walls and floor of their current location.)

BERRY (Breathing heavily) He must... have given the wrong location... to throw us off his trail...

BOUCHARD Never could hit a curveball, but I sure could hit one right now.

BERRY If we re-examine... some other sites... we’ll find it. (JERRY and BOUCHARD say nothing. Accusingly) What? (THEY say nothing.) What?!

JERRY I think we should go to Germany. I think we should speak to Curveball face to face.

BERRY I’m not giving up.

JERRY I’m not either. I just think the source himself might give us a better idea...

BERRY (Interrupting) The search goes on, Jerry! I mean, seriously, what are you afraid of? (JERRY says nothing.) Grandpa?

BOUCHARD (Struggles for a moment) We can go to Germany later. The search goes on.

(BERRY makes to exit.)

JERRY I think this is a bad idea.

BERRY Hey, Jer. Don’t do the thing.

(BERRY exits. After a beat)

JERRY Do you feel like things have gotten less humorous?

BOUCHARD I never found them all that humorous to begin with.

JERRY Oh.

(BOUCHARD and JERRY get into the exposed backseat of an off-road vehicle. BERRY and a MILITARY ESCORT are in the front, out of ear- shot.)

JERRY (CONT’D) I guess I used to think everything was pretty humorous. Now I’m not so sure. (BOUCHARD says nothing.) Maybe things are most humorous when you don’t think they matter that much. That’s why we’re capable of laughing at ourselves – because we don’t know how we end.

(Gunshots in the distance. JERRY and BOUCHARD notice.)

JERRY (CONT’D) They say the war’s over, but if you look at the people... I guess I’m scared the war hasn’t really started yet. And spiders, I’m really scared of spiders. (Beat) What are you scared of?

BOUCHARD Spiders is a good one. (Beat) Am I wrong?

JERRY You are absolutely not wrong. But you can’t pick spiders, you have to pick something else.

BOUCHARD Being wrong. I’m afraid of being wrong.

JERRY Oh.

BOUCHARD I once got a pet spider, tarantula, for Annie... Annie’s my daughter.

JERRY Yeah.

BOUCHARD It had its stingers removed, or fangs or whatever. It wasn’t dangerous anyway, is the important thing. But Annie... she... would play with the tarantula, and then... cry. Because she said it bit her.

JERRY But it didn’t.

BOUCHARD Of course it didn’t. It couldn’t. But she thought it did. Or lied about it.

JERRY Kids do that.

BOUCHARD We all do that. It’s called delusion. And you know what it looks like before it becomes delusion? Conviction that never got its due. (Beat) Calling her... Calling Annie. Maybe my number one fear is dialing that phone number. Admitting I was wrong is number two.

JERRY I mistranslated a word, an important word, and I didn’t do anything about it. I started this war.

(Beat)

BOUCHARD Wrong. Wrong. Say wrong.

JERRY Wrong.

BOUCHARD If you say it enough it loses its meaning.

JERRY Maybe it has to do with where you’re looking from. What’s wrong to you could be right to me.

BOUCHARD Yeah, but that’s not really how truth works.

(BOUCHARD smiles. JERRY smiles.)

See what I did there?

JERRY Mm hmm.

BOUCHARD Mm hmm.

JERRY The truth is...

(Gunshot. JERRY is shot in the chest. We see the blood. A bomb explodes in the distance.

Gunshots. BOUCHARD ducks for cover. Frantic music. Lights up on FIRST REPORTER.)

FIRST REPORTER A Humvee was fired at on a Baghdad street today, killing one soldier and one American civilian, this amidst growing violence in Iraq leads many / to speculate that the most violent days of this conflict are still ahead of us.

(Footage and data from the Iraq War are displayed around the room.)

SECOND REPORTER (Overlapping) The Defense Department may be forced to call up thousands of additional National Guard and Reserve / troops for duty if foreign nations do not volunteer sufficient forces for a third international division.

THIRD REPORTER (Overlapping) A massive suicide blast demolished U.N. headquarters in Baghdad today; top aid officials are among the seventeen dead.

FIRST REPORTER Leaving a nation to wonder: whose idea was this anyway?

(Germany. RICHART stands across from CURVEBALL in interrogation. BOUCHARD and BERRY watch from the outside.)

RICHART Two CIA guys have asked to meet you. They have some questions. So do I, I guess. (CURVEBALL says nothing.) They say you tried to rape a teenage girl. Did you?

CURVEBALL No.

RICHART Are you lying?

CURVEBALL No!

RICHART Are you lying? (Beat) Are you always lying?

CURVEBALL SPEAK TO ME TOMORROW - SPEAK TO ME WHEN DARKNESS GOES. SPEAK TO ME TOMORROW AND I’LL TELL ALL... ALL YOU NEED TO HEAR.

NOT LONG TILL TOMORROW - NOT LONG TILL THE DAYLIGHT SHOWS. NOT LONG TILL TOMORROW - THEN I WON’T STALL - TOMORROW I’LL BE CLEAR. YES, I THINK YOU SHOULD COME BACK TOMORROW. YES, TOMORROW IS NEAR, I’LL BE HERE.

(A REPORTER speaks.)

REPORTER Thus far, the Defense Department has identified 1,486 American and Allied service members who have died since the start of the invasion, that on top of an estimated 23,000 Iraqi civilian deaths. Despite continued optimism from the administration, casualties continue to escalate.

CURVEBALL LEARN THE TRUTH TOMORROW - LEARN THE TRUTH WHEN MEM’RY FLOWS. LEARN THE TRUTH TOMORROW - I’LL HAVE RECALL TOMORROW, NEVER FEAR.

YES, I THINK YOU SHOULD COME BACK TOMORROW. YES, TOMORROW IS NEAR, I’LL BE HERE.

(RICHART hangs his head, exits the interrogation room to be next to BERRY and BOUCHARD.)

CURVEBALL (CONT’D) PLEASE... I’M JUST A GUY... I’M JUST A LOST AND LONELY GUY. PLEASE... I REALLY TRY - WHY WOULD I LIE?

RICHART We found this in his apartment. It’s a print out of bio- warfare theories - highlighted, notated, memorized. How the source got his source...

BOUCHARD He made the whole thing up. Unbelievable.

RICHART To get into Germany?

BOUCHARD To take down Saddam, maybe?

BERRY Because he wanted to make a splash. Do something sexy.

RICHART And then he got caught in over his head.

BOUCHARD And he wanted to save face.

BERRY And so people died. The good people died.

(BERRY exits.)

BOUCHARD (Reading the print out for the first time) Wait. You found this with Curveball?

RICHART He had it completely memorized.

(BOUCHARD looks away. Starts laughing. After a moment.)

BOUCHARD Humorous. (HE shows RICHART the print out.) It’s my Compendium. Someone did read it.

CURVEBALL SPEAK TO ME TOMORROW - SPEAK TO ME WHEN DAYLIGHT SHOWS. SPEAK TO ME TOMORROW AND I’LL TELL ALL... ALL YOU NEED TO HEAR.

YES, I THINK YOU SHOULD COME BACK TOMORROW. YES, TOMORROW IS NEAR, I’LL BE HERE.

(BOUCHARD is alone.)

NELSON I CAN’T LIE TO HE WHO LIES WITHIN, CAN’T DENY WHAT HE KNOWS IS TRUE.

NELSON, RICHART I CAN’T FLY FROM HE WHO LIES WITHIN, CAN’T DEFY WHAT HE HOLDS ME TO.

NELSON, RICHART, BERRY BUT IF I FACE THE BLAME THEN HE/SHE SHALL SET ME FREE.

(As the Pledge continues, BOUCHARD pauses, then takes out his cellphone. He dials, then after a beat, speaks into the phone.)

BOUCHARD Annie, it’s dad. I... uh... it’s been a long time now, and... I’m not much into politics these days, but... some people are saying the powers that be wanted this war all along. Maybe that’s true, maybe not. Well, probably it is, but either way, they needed to give the country a reason, and we served it to them with the crusts cut off. A whole line of us, three, four, a hundred people helped serve it to them. And the really crazy thing is any one of us could have been the one to stop it. Any one of us could have stopped it and it would have been done forever. But everyone assumed someone else would. (Beat)

I guess what I’m saying is I’ve been waiting for you to call, but it was me. I did this to us. (Beat) And when you call me back, I’ll tell you that I’m sorry, so you don’t have to be.

(HE hangs up. Joins the Support Group in progress. We are now at the beginning of the show, with BOUCHARD entering the Support Group late, clutching his cell phone.)

SUPPORT GROUP MEMBERS IN MY DARKEST HOUR PEACE WILL COME TO ME. IN MY DARKEST HOUR IF I TURN, FACE THE BLAME, THEN PEACE AT LAST WILL COME TO ME.

LEADER Martin, it’s good to see you, as always. No cellphones, please.

BOUCHARD (Putting away his cellphone) I’m Martin I started the Iraq War.

ALL Hi Martin.

LEADER Now, we know you’re not big into the talking, but tell us if you can: do you blame yourself? (No answer) Do you blame yourself, Martin? (No answer) Martin? (No answer) Martin?

End of play.