Who's Your Baghdaddy? (3.27.14) Who’s Your Baghdaddy? or how i started the iraq war a true story with liberties. Music and Book Lyrics and Book Marshall Pailet A.D. Penedo Contact: Di Glazer ICM Partners [email protected] 212.556.6820 Copyright © by Pailet & Penedo Who's Your Baghdaddy? (3.27.14) CAST OF CHARACTERS Martin Bouchard (50’s - 60’s) - Used to be a bigwig intelligence guy, now has fallen down several rungs on the ladder. Intelligent, but sometimes shortsighted in his quest to reclaim past glory. Bari-tenor. Richart Becker (20’s) - A German junior interrogator. Young, ambitious, not as cool as he thinks. Looking for a friend. Tenor. Curveball (30’s) - An Iraqi defector, and the only source on the biological Weapons of Mass Destruction. Enchanting, manipulative, unpredictable with a wild side. Tenor. Tyler Nelson (40’s) - CIA operative, bureaucrat and consummate company man. Doesn’t like to ruffle feathers. Holier than thou. Bari-tenor. Berry Stanton (late 20’s) - CIA analyst. Smart, abrasive, with minimal people skills. Mezzo-Soprano with belt. Jerry Samuel (late 20’s) - CIA analyst and super geek. Socially awkward with a strong moral code for the most part. Tenor. Leader of the Support Group/Male Ensemble (Any adult age) - Facilitates support group session. Baritone. Female Ensemble Member - To play many parts. Great comedian. Soprano. Male Ensemble Member - To play many parts. Great comedian. Baritone/Tenor. LOCATION Support Group for Starters of Iraq War; CIA - Langley, VA; BND (German CIA equivalent) - Berlin; Northern Iraq. TIME 2001-2004. Copyright © by Pailet & Penedo Who's Your Baghdaddy? (3.27.14) I-1 ACT I (The audience walks into a support group. Maybe there’s a table with wine and cheese. The whole environment is very casual. A band plays music in the corner of the room. There are no programs, no indication that this is anything other than a support group meeting. When it’s time to start the show, the LEADER gets everyone together and tells them the basics: the event will be about 2 hours, we’ll have a 10 minute break in the middle, no cell phones. There are a lot of new faces here. Does one of the regulars want to get us started?) BERRY I’ll go. LEADER Great. BERRY I’m Berry and I started the Iraq War. ALL Hi, Berry. LEADER And what do you do, Berry? ALL Um, a lot of suppressing, kind of burying my unendurable self-loathing under a veil of humor and forced literalism. LEADER I mean, what do you do for a living? BERRY Oh, I’m a CIA analyst. LEADER And do you ever blame yourself, Berry? BERRY I say no. Who's Your Baghdaddy? (3.27.14) I-2 SPIRITUAL WOMAN (Meaningfully) Sometimes, only by turning the eyes inward can the inward self look upon the outward self... with acceptance. (Meaningful nods and groans from the group.) LEADER Okay, who else? Richart? RICHART (Wasn’t paying attention previously) Yeah. I’m Richart. LEADER And what did you do, Richart? RICHART Oh, I started the Iraq War. ALL Hi, Richart. LEADER And what’s your occupation, Richart? RICHART I’m an interrogator for the Germans. I’m German by the way, for those who couldn’t tell by the accent. (He has no accent.) BERRY What accident? RICHART Accent, accent, my German accent. LEADER And do you blame yourself, Richart? RICHART No. I mean. I don’t think I should. LEADER You still drinking though? Copyright © by Pailet & Penedo Who's Your Baghdaddy? (3.27.14) I-3 RICHART Oh, yeah, all the time. LEADER Good, keep it up. SPIRITUAL WOMAN (Meaningfully) If you learn to love your flaws, then perhaps you can someday learn to love... love. (Meaningful nods and groans from the group.) LEADER And... let’s see. Nelson, you wanna introduce yourself to the new faces? NELSON (Sigh) I’m Nelson. LEADER And what did you do, Nelson? NELSON Everything I could. LEADER Uh huh, and did you... (NELSON shrugs.) Is there anything you... started? Like maybe a... certain... international conflict...? NELSON I still don’t think I did really. BERRY Denial. LEADER No, none of that, please. Nelson will come around in his own time. (NELSON sighs.) Copyright © by Pailet & Penedo Who's Your Baghdaddy? (3.27.14) I-4 SPIRITUAL WOMAN Today is the first day... (The SUPPORT GROUP is waiting for her to finish her thought, when it becomes clear that her thought is already complete.) LEADER Absolutely. Nelson, do you want to lead us in the pledge? NELSON I do not. LEADER Okay, well do you want to reconsider that? NELSON I do not. LEADER Okay, I think you know it’s in your best interest to participate. NELSON Ugh. LEADER (Continuous) So why don’t we try today, if we can. (Beat) Do you want to lead us in the pledge? NELSON So bad. LEADER Okay. NELSON I CAN’T LIE TO HE WHO LIES WITHIN, CAN’T DENY WHAT HE KNOWS IS TRUE. NELSON, RICHART I CAN’T FLY FROM HE WHO LIES WITHIN, CAN’T DEFY WHAT HE HOLDS ME TO. Copyright © by Pailet & Penedo Who's Your Baghdaddy? (3.27.14) I-5 NELSON, RICHART, BERRY BUT IF I FACE THE BLAME THEN HE/SHE SHALL SET ME FREE. ALL IN MY DARKEST HOUR PEACE WILL COME TO ME. IN MY DARKEST HOUR IF I TURN, FACE THE BLAME, THEN PEACE AT LAST WILL COME TO ME. (MARTIN BOUCHARD walks into the support group, clutching his cellphone. HE takes his seat, but does not join in song.) LEADER Martin, it’s good to see you, as always. No cellphones, please. BOUCHARD (Putting away his cellphone) I’m Martin I started the Iraq War. ALL Hi, Martin. LEADER Now, we know you’re not big into the talking, but tell us if you can: do you blame yourself? (No answer) Do you blame yourself, Martin? (No answer) Martin? (No answer) Martin? (Suddenly we’re in BOUCHARD’s head, where he’s looking back to his time at the CIA in the summer of 2001. A projection reads: “How Martin Started the Iraq War.” BOUCHARD sits at his desk, which is the lone desk in a giant empty room. The office looks like an afterthought – a converted storage space. The Support Group has vanished, and now the actor who played the Copyright © by Pailet & Penedo Who's Your Baghdaddy? (3.27.14) I-6 LEADER has become Bouchard’s colleague, JON. BOUCHARD is talking quickly and animatedly, a far more loquacious man than the one we’ve just come to meet in the Support Group.) JON Marty! BOUCHARD I’m gonna send it. JON Marty! BOUCHARD (Overlapping) I’m gonna send it! JON Marty, can you shut your mouth for the first time in your life and listen to reason. BOUCHARD The “reason” is because there are seventeen tons of missing growth media in Iraq, completely unaccounted for, and the world needs to know. JON No. BOUCHARD Where does it go, you think? The development of germ warfare, perhaps? Anthrax, maybe with a dash of Clostridium Botulinum. Say it with me, Clostridium Botulinum. Again, Clostridium Botulinum. JON If you send that Compendium to UNSCOM, they’ll publish it. On the web. For the whole world to see. BOUCHARD Good. JON Not good, because you have no proof. You have theories, but no hard proof that Iraq currently has Clostridium Botulinum and you know it. Copyright © by Pailet & Penedo Who's Your Baghdaddy? (3.27.14) I-7 BOUCHARD (Referring to himself) Strategic Weapons advisor to Reagan and Bush 41, how’s that for hard proof? Chief Weapons Inspector to the United Nations ’91 and ’92, that is Chief Weapons Inspector, how’s that for hard proof? JON That’s not proof at all. It’s your résumé. BOUCHARD They bumped me down to one day a week. JON Still not proof. BOUCHARD Me. One day a week. JON And I’m sorry, but that’s still not proof. You can’t publish that Compendium. BOUCHARD Whatever, I don’t need your permission. JON Fine. BOUCHARD I’m gonna send it. JON Fine. BOUCHARD I should, doncha think? JON I don’t. (BOUCHARD scoffs. JON puts a hand on Bouchard’s shoulder.) Copyright © by Pailet & Penedo Who's Your Baghdaddy? (3.27.14) I-8 JON (CONT’D) It’s been ten years with hardly a peep out of Saddam Hussein. No one cares about Iraq anymore. It’s time to move on. BOUCHARD They bumped me down to one day a week. Me. I was the Chief Weapons Inspector. JON (Gently) It’s time to move on, Marty. (BOUCHARD is silent. JON picks up a stapler, the reason he’s in Bouchard’s office in the first place, holds it up in thanks, and exits. Music begins to play.) BOUCHARD God, everything is the worst. Let’s see what the news has to say. (BOUCHARD turns on the television, a NEWS REPORTER appears.) NEWS REPORTER This just in: everything is the worst. Yes, it’s May 3rd, 2001, and a series of national tragedies has forced us to reconsider what it means to truly suffer. Not only is Napster shut down and Baywatch cancelled, but we’ve just learned that one of our most beloved planets is no longer being categorized as such. BOUCHARD Not Pluto. NEWS REPORTER It’s Pluto. BOUCHARD No, God! NEWS REPORTER Yes, it’s May 3rd, 2001, and you deserve better. So go ahead and send that Compendium, Marty.