The Liberalizer
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THE IBERALIZER Inquirer votes Central #1 most closet conservatives! JULY 1776 L VOLUME 1984, ISSUE 3.14 ALTERNATIVE FACTS Whadya Get Syndrome: A Central Epidemic leaving its previously-satisfied peer Crazy Cat Lady (277) disheartened and disappointed. Once Silent But Deadly self-assured and free, the peer—the “Hey! How’s it—” latest victim of a school-wide epi- Illustration by Kristina Phu (277) “Whadya get?” demic—feels no choice but to launch “Huh?” an inquiry regarding the grades of “On that algebra quiz we just got other classmates. Its academic con- back. Whadya get?” fidence with each subsequent com- “Oh, I did alright I guess. How did parison grows increasingly depen- you do?” dent on its performance relative to “It was a total L. But, seriously what that of others. Each point above or was your actual, like, grade.” below the person standing next to “Well—” them possesses the ability to make “Come on. I’m sure you did fine. Just or break its day. The once-innocent tell me.” peer proceeds to leave a trail of fel- *There is a dramatic, reluctant low victims in their wake. pause* This classic example epitomzes “I got an 86.” the epidemic sweeping across the “Oh. .” [Insert a halfheartedly Central community: Whadya Get mately base one’s sense of academic Get is highly contagious and shows with each passing test, SAT score, sheepish, not-so-secretly-gleeful Syndrome. Symptoms include a achievement off of their numeri- no signs of abatement. If anything, entrance exam, and GPA calculator. smile.] “I got a 91.” strong desire to know other students’ cal value relative to that of others. the syndrome’s robust growth is The triumphant student walks away, grade and a need to compare and ulti- To make matters worse, Whadya expected to increase exponentially (Continued on pg. 2) Grizzly Morale at an All Time Low The Ins and Outs of Henry McLovin’ (277) Emo Dude Teachers’ Pet Culture Betsy DeVos, the current Unit- Honor Roll every quarter, oh no! ed States Secretary of Education, Gracing With My Presence (277) Instead, his dazzling smile and claimed during her confirmation Try Hard general flirtatious air win him the hearing that some schools should The art of the sycophant: a de- hearts of not only the female teach- have guns to protect them “potential sirable and yet disturbing act that ers but the male as well. “Listen, grizzlies.” Alarming words for Phila- only a small percentage of Cen- it’s not my fault that I’m beauti- delphia’s local grizzly bear popula- tral’s student population has man- ful. Teachers are just in love with tion, DeVos’ stance on bear rights aged to master. These wondrous me okay?!” Through observa- leaves bear communities across the masters do not directly admit to tion, Gordon showed no sign of country anxious for the future. their imperceivable ability; how- exponential good looks, however, “I’m literally shaking right now,” ever, through extensive investiga- teachers do seem to be enchanted says Chad, a grizzly bear who claims tion, I have been able to unearth with him (signs of witchcraft soon to be a “pretty laid back guy.” “You the conquerors of the art of being to be looked into). eat one dude and suddenly you’re a “Teacher’s Pet.” BC Calc who??? Romie Azor some sort of ‘criminal’. You know in The daring captain of two var- (276), a student in Central’s highly Finland they’ve already decriminal- A bear casually roaming the hallways of Central. sity sports, an esteemed member of rated BC Calculus class, ized the recreational consumption of bears, othes as Jacob Pfeiffer (277) “Yeah we’re all pretty chill,” says National Honor Society, and not to children, and their students are ten are less concerned. Before Pfeiffer’s Greyson Sobel (277), “especially mention his dreamy goatee; one (Continued on pg. 2) times smarter.” disappearance last week, onlookers me and Dale [Dale is known by his would think Danny Holdsman’s Demoralized and concerned, claim to have spotted him running fellow grizzlies as Dale “the annihi- (276) success was based off of ac- Philadelphia’s bears have had to up to a mother grizzly and her cubs lator”]. Dale’s the kind of guy who tual talent and hard work, but do discuss courses of action moving in pursuit of a hug. The administra- you can trust, the kind of guy who not let yourself be fooled. “Yeah forward. For some, the thought of tion has had to place precautionary accepts me for who I am, the kinda I’m just that good I guess. I mean, officer Rankin wielding a shotgun measures to prevent events like this. guy who listens. I help Dale with being made a captain, well,” he is just too much to bear. Rankin says Signs that read “Do not feed bears,” his arts and crafts, and in exchange laughs to himself as if he has an that often she finds grizzlies loiter- and “Do not take selfies with bears” I get to be Dale’s friend.” Sobel has inside joke, “that’s just something ing around outside Central after now line the perimeter of Central’s not been seen or heard from in over that takes an extra amount of skill.” school, luring kids in with cigarettes campus. Says Señor Julien, “At this a week. He ceased in his elaboration of this and candy. Just last week one of the point I’m beginning to think most Philadelphia’s grizzly population “skill,” and did not persist in the bears overstepped its bounds and people at this school don’t know claims to be vegan, but this is only to conversation. Rankin strangled it to death with her what a bear is. Students are letting avoid the legal liability; read in be- Isaac Gordon (277), a junior bare hands. them in the side doors; some are us- tween the lines and you will find that in the prestigious IB program, may While most students are appro- ing their IDs to get the bears lunch their main food sources have a few brains, but they are priately fearful of the presence of from the cafeteria.” not what earn him his spot onto Danny Holdsman’s (276) final form. Not In This Issue Page 204 Page 4x4 Jeep Page 6802 Page Over 9000db The only thing Horowits is Wenger exposed: DJ Illmatiq Switching Neuman blows out his selling is himself short HE’S THE REAL DUMMY! To Country Music 18th set of speakers Back DOOOOOOOOR! PAGE 73-9 DANG NABBIT LAUGH AT OUR JOKES! CHRISTMAS Central’s Cafeteria: The New Water Tower cies. Got milk? How can you if the a lost iRobot, please return it to its Mary Elizabeth Greeley (278) Swaggggggg milk cartons keep escaping? rightful place. Recently, President McKenna has But let’s talk about the food. The This last Tuesday Central was ordered 22 more trash receptacles gourmet pizza and 5-star rated nach- awarded the Green Cleaning Award to control the excessive amount of os make one wonder who is behind for its sparkling clean lunchroom. trash lying around the school. Hope- the delicious delicacies. Rumor has Central’s lunchroom has always been fully these new trash cans will be put it that an avid chef named Remy runs a safe space for the germaphobes to good use and Central will see an the kitchen who scampers around to who insist that everything be as clean overall decline of trash in the hall- acquire ingredients, and squeaks as Patrick after his war with Sponge- ways. Maybe the next step should be at his sous chef to add more spice. bob. The greatest contributors to to build dams in order to stop the wa- Everyone who eats in the cafeteria Central being so uncontaminated are terfalls of milk from trickling down loves the food. In fact, they love it so the perfectly well behaved students the stairs. much they wish they could pay for who pick up their trash, others’ trash, However, the latest technology at it, but then the food’s appeal would and even clean the tables. One can’t Central are the self-cleaning iRobots instantly decrease. Central’s food help but notice the fallen peas all who do all the work. Students, do not has its fame spread far and wide. over the floor and tables. Any real be afraid if you feel something bump The famous chef and food critic, princess visiting Central could feel into your feet. It is not a mouse or Gordon Ramsey, comments that the those peas under her 20 mattresses your friend sitting next to you be- food at Central is so “fricking deli- from miles away. Some kids could ing annoying; it is the lonely iRobot cious” that he wishes the restaurants not carrot less about peas. The milk merely doing its job. The robots are he attends would sell the same type cartons scattered in the hallways not a perfect substitute for people of good food. Central’s lunchroom and classrooms are also a spectacle when it comes to cleaning the floors. may not be a 5-star restaurant, but it to giggle at. Although they are dis- Students have reported finding fugi- has 5-star people, food, and cleaning tributed in the cafeteria, the cartons tive iRobots in closet corners and service. It is no wonder people love seem to migrate around the school bookshelves, amongst the pottery the lunchroom as the hippest place to like emigrants fleeing the U.S. after in the school library, and somehow hang out at Central.