THE IBERALIZER Inquirer votes Central #1 most closet conservatives! July 1776 L Volume 1984, Issue 3.14 Alternative Facts Whadya Get Syndrome: A Central Epidemic leaving its previously-satisfied peer Crazy Cat Lady (277) disheartened and disappointed. Once Silent But Deadly self-assured and free, the peer—the

“Hey! How’s it—” latest victim of a school-wide epi- Illustration by Kristina Phu (277) “Whadya get?” demic—feels no choice but to launch “Huh?” an inquiry regarding the grades of “On that algebra quiz we just got other classmates. Its academic con- back. Whadya get?” fidence with each subsequent- com “Oh, I did alright I guess. . . How did parison grows increasingly depen- you do?” dent on its performance relative to “It was a total L. But, seriously what that of others. Each point above or was your actual, like, grade.” below the person standing next to “Well—” them possesses the ability to make “Come on. I’m sure you did fine. Just or break its day. The once-innocent tell me.” peer proceeds to leave a trail of fel- *There is a dramatic, reluctant low victims in their wake. pause* This classic example epitomzes “I got an 86.” the epidemic sweeping across the “Oh. . .” [Insert a halfheartedly Central community: Whadya Get mately base one’s sense of academic Get is highly contagious and shows with each passing test, SAT score, sheepish, not-so-secretly-gleeful Syndrome. Symptoms include a achievement off of their numeri- no signs of abatement. If anything, entrance exam, and GPA calculator. smile.] “I got a 91.” strong desire to know other students’ cal value relative to that of others. the syndrome’s robust growth is The triumphant student walks away, grade and a need to compare and ulti- To make matters worse, Whadya expected to increase exponentially (Continued on pg. 2) Grizzly Morale at an All Time Low The Ins and Outs of Henry McLovin’ (277) Emo Dude Teachers’ Pet Culture Betsy DeVos, the current Unit- Honor Roll every quarter, oh no! ed States Secretary of Education, Gracing With My Presence (277) Instead, his dazzling smile and claimed during her confirmation Try Hard general flirtatious air win him the hearing that some schools should The art of the sycophant: a de- hearts of not only the female teach- have guns to protect them “potential sirable and yet disturbing act that ers but the male as well. “Listen, grizzlies.” Alarming words for Phila- only a small percentage of Cen- it’s not my fault that I’m beauti- delphia’s local grizzly bear popula- tral’s student population has man- ful. Teachers are just in love with tion, DeVos’ stance on bear rights aged to master. These wondrous me okay?!” Through observa- leaves bear communities across the masters do not directly admit to tion, Gordon showed no sign of country anxious for the future. their imperceivable ability; how- exponential good looks, however, “I’m literally shaking right now,” ever, through extensive investiga- teachers do seem to be enchanted says Chad, a grizzly bear who claims tion, I have been able to unearth with him (signs of witchcraft soon to be a “pretty laid back guy.” “You the conquerors of the art of being to be looked into). eat one dude and suddenly you’re a “Teacher’s Pet.” BC Calc who??? Romie Azor some sort of ‘criminal’. You know in The daring captain of two var- (276), a student in Central’s highly Finland they’ve already decriminal- A bear casually roaming the hallways of Central. sity sports, an esteemed member of rated BC Calculus class, ized the recreational consumption of bears, othes as Jacob Pfeiffer (277) “Yeah we’re all pretty chill,” says National Honor Society, and not to children, and their students are ten are less concerned. Before Pfeiffer’s Greyson Sobel (277), “especially mention his dreamy goatee; one (Continued on pg. 2) times smarter.” disappearance last week, onlookers me and Dale [Dale is known by his would think Danny Holdsman’s Demoralized and concerned, claim to have spotted him running fellow grizzlies as Dale “the annihi- (276) success was based off of ac- Philadelphia’s bears have had to up to a mother grizzly and her cubs lator”]. Dale’s the kind of guy who tual talent and hard work, but do discuss courses of action moving in pursuit of a hug. The administra- you can trust, the kind of guy who not let yourself be fooled. “Yeah forward. For some, the thought of tion has had to place precautionary accepts me for who I am, the kinda I’m just that good I guess. I mean, officer Rankin wielding a shotgun measures to prevent events like this. guy who listens. I help Dale with being made a captain, well,” he is just too much to bear. Rankin says Signs that read “Do not feed bears,” his arts and crafts, and in exchange laughs to himself as if he has an that often she finds grizzlies loiter- and “Do not take selfies with bears” I get to be Dale’s friend.” Sobel has inside joke, “that’s just something ing around outside Central after now line the perimeter of Central’s not been seen or heard from in over that takes an extra amount of skill.” school, luring kids in with cigarettes campus. Says Señor Julien, “At this a week. He ceased in his elaboration of this and candy. Just last week one of the point I’m beginning to think most Philadelphia’s grizzly population “skill,” and did not persist in the bears overstepped its bounds and people at this school don’t know claims to be vegan, but this is only to conversation. Rankin strangled it to death with her what a bear is. Students are letting avoid the legal liability; read in be- Isaac Gordon (277), a junior bare hands. them in the side doors; some are us- tween the lines and you will find that in the prestigious IB program, may While most students are appro- ing their IDs to get the bears lunch their main food sources have a few brains, but they are priately fearful of the presence of from the cafeteria.” not what earn him his spot onto Danny Holdsman’s (276) final form. Not In This Issue Page 204 Page 4x4 Jeep Page 6802 Page Over 9000db The only thing Horowits is Wenger exposed: DJ Illmatiq Switching Neuman blows out his selling is himself short HE’S THE REAL DUMMY! To Country Music 18th set of speakers Back DOOOOOOOOR! page 73-9 Dang Nabbit Laugh At our Jokes! Christmas Central’s Cafeteria: The New Water Tower cies. Got milk? How can you if the a lost iRobot, please return it to its Mary Elizabeth Greeley (278) Swaggggggg milk cartons keep escaping? rightful place. Recently, President McKenna has But let’s talk about the food. The This last Tuesday Central was ordered 22 more trash receptacles gourmet pizza and 5-star rated nach- awarded the Green Cleaning Award to control the excessive amount of os make one wonder who is behind for its sparkling clean lunchroom. trash lying around the school. Hope- the delicious delicacies. Rumor has Central’s lunchroom has always been fully these new trash cans will be put it that an avid chef named Remy runs a safe space for the germaphobes to good use and Central will see an the kitchen who scampers around to who insist that everything be as clean overall decline of trash in the hall- acquire ingredients, and squeaks as Patrick after his war with Sponge- ways. Maybe the next step should be at his sous chef to add more spice. bob. The greatest contributors to to build dams in order to stop the wa- Everyone who eats in the cafeteria Central being so uncontaminated are terfalls of milk from trickling down loves the food. In fact, they love it so the perfectly well behaved students the stairs. much they wish they could pay for who pick up their trash, others’ trash, However, the latest technology at it, but then the food’s appeal would and even clean the tables. One can’t Central are the self-cleaning iRobots instantly decrease. Central’s food help but notice the fallen peas all who do all the work. Students, do not has its fame spread far and wide. over the floor and tables. Any real be afraid if you feel something bump The famous chef and food critic, princess visiting Central could feel into your feet. It is not a mouse or Gordon Ramsey, comments that the those peas under her 20 mattresses your friend sitting next to you be- food at Central is so “fricking deli- from miles away. Some kids could ing annoying; it is the lonely iRobot cious” that he wishes the restaurants not carrot less about peas. The milk merely doing its job. The robots are he attends would sell the same type cartons scattered in the hallways not a perfect substitute for people of good food. Central’s lunchroom and classrooms are also a spectacle when it comes to cleaning the floors. may not be a 5-star restaurant, but it to giggle at. Although they are dis- Students have reported finding fugi- has 5-star people, food, and cleaning tributed in the cafeteria, the cartons tive iRobots in closet corners and service. It is no wonder people love seem to migrate around the school bookshelves, amongst the pottery the lunchroom as the hippest place to like emigrants fleeing the U.S. after in the school library, and somehow hang out at Central. Central kids are loko for Water Towers. Trump’s recent immigration poli- even stuck to the ceiling. If you find

(Continued from campaign for the mass production Whadya Get, pg. 1) of a cure. They argue that Whadya Sweeping School Lunch Reform Get Syndrome has a long-lasting

Critics downplay the epidemic negative psychological impact on its as nothing more than your average victims and promotes an unhealthy $TrashMoreLikeCash$ (278) flu—a painful, albeit inevitable- ex learning and social environment Foodie perience that causes misery in the in Central. Luckily, a cure, though Amongst the most vexing short run, but strengthens the im- somewhat bitter and unappetiz- mysteries of today, lies the ques- mune system in the long run. They ing, does exist. The FDA-approved tion: what exactly is in our school argue Whadya Get is a rite of pas- Noneya Business not only fortifies lunches? The unknown substances sage, preparation for the more cut the body’s immune system against and mysterious gray meats spiced to throat diseases of the real world. Whadya Get, but stops the ravaging the taste of cardboard date back to These skeptics have even suggested epidemic right in its tracks. Even its our grandparents’ childhood. After measures be taken to facilitate the most ardent supporters will concede years of eager waiting, the results spread of Whadya Get. They pro- that Noneya-Business is a tough pill are in. FDA tests prove that the gray posed students wear name tags with to swallow, but they believe it saves matter is indeed mystery meat. Cur- Insider source tells us that Chef Gordon Ramsey is the head lunch lady. their GPA and latest test grade, and lives by promoting individual merit rently, Eat Right Now is establish- lunch rolls around and ready to take on one more pe- contend this measure would termi- and preventing unfair comparisons. ing a plan called Trial 1101. Start- and our brains are ready to be re- riod of class. nate the awkward confrontational There will doubtlessly be a long ing fall of 2017, all public schools fueled. Students wait in traffic for At Central, we like to display our stage of Whadya Get Syndrome. road ahead, but these ardent crusad- will replace their lunch menus. what seems like hours as they drool cultural diversity through our lunch. Students could then immediately ers hope to free the school from the Their goal for this program is over the homemade pizzas served The lunch menus have diverse op- recognize their rank and waste no clutches of numerical comparison to provide healthy options at a low straight from the oven. The carbs tions from pizza to sandwiches. time hitting the books. and replace the hallway’s ringing budget for all students. Instead of and fat provide energy for the brain On a weekly basis, lunches are However, many concerned civil- echoes of Whadya with the liberat- educating the students about mak- and satiate the taste buds with their American with an occasional Latin ians and fed-up students are con- ing cries of Noneya. ing healthy choices, the alternative authentic cardboard taste. The hot American-inspired dish. Because of demning Whadya Get Syndrome is a holistic approach where stu- dogs have an array of textures rang- large demands by the diverse stu- and pursuing a grassroots lobbying dents are given the option of healthy ing from the soggy bun to the slimy dent body, lunches have been made foods. Dishes such as salad are be- meat. Central students’ favorite is to represent everyone. ing negotiated to fit the budget. the sloppy joe. The ground meat Now that lunches will be chang- (Continued from questions asked. Things just seem to However, while we wait for splattered with scrumptious sauce ing for the greener side, regulations Teacher’s Pet, pg. 1) run smoothly for this “sexy choco- this new plan to radically change is complemented with bland rice. and policies will be enforced as they late bar” (a direct quote from Carson our students, let us talk about the The least popular school options have been before. Eat Right Now claims to be of high rank but is she himself), “Christopher Carson. Well, current conditions of school food. are the fruits waiting for us as we will continue to provide students really? More con than brain, she what a guy. What. A. Guy.” quotes After a long day of working and check out. They make better dodge with healthy, nutritious lunches and even managed to wheedle her way an IB teacher that will remain un- studying with sleep deprivation, balls than on the plate. The school operate solely for the students’ ben- into an upstanding medical program named. What a guy? One may beg lunches leave the brain energized efit. during the summer. “I’m afraid to differ. of what will happen if she actu- ally manages to become a surgeon! Like, she’ll have access to people’s brains!!!” comments “friend” of Azor, Lindsay Holmes (276). Need- less to say, if in the distant future you are told you’re going to be operated on by a Dr. Azor… run. Another product of sycophancy in IB is Christopher Carson (277), but instead of his looks being the Isaac Gordon (277) as the iguana. Chris Carson(277) as a turtle. Romie Azor (276) as a rabbit ultimate power, instead it is his un- studying but rather those who have allow them to be controlled by these next investigatory segment, “Teach- canny power of BSing. Any essay, Throughout this investigation them: the teachers. What is it about pathetic excuses for students? This er’s Pet Culture: The Owners.” homework assignment, test: BS. The process, I have realized that maybe these weak-minded individuals that question and more answered in my trick: his teachers EAT. IT. UP. No it is not the “pets” that I should be

THE LITTYLIZER Page 2.7182 NEPHEW Summer Break

(Continued from their DMs.” Sneaky little buggers, ur- Grizzly Morale, pg. 1) ban grizzlies use alternative hunting methods, such as Tinder, and Chris- Teachers’ Strange Addictions

include nuts, berries, and human tian Mingle. Greek Young Boul (277) flesh. “It’s really a guilty pleasure,” I sat down with a local self-pro- Finesse Editor says one local bear, “but we do oc- claimed bear specialist named Ted Mr. Grow, a math teacher at casionally maul and eat humans.” In Graham. Graham urged that bears Central, said that he was addicted to their defense, local bears are very “only want to be our friends.” Talk- chess. Not playing it, just watching selective when it comes to dining on ing out of the corner of his mouth he how old chess games were played. homo sapiens. They stick strictly to urged, “and just, you know, give em’ “I’m addicted to looking at old chess local, fresh humans. The refined pal- a damn chance.” I became suspicious games to see how they were played. ate of the modern urban bear seeks when the trenchcoat split open, re- It’s interesting to see how Hum- humans who are happy, healthy, and vealing that Ted Graham was simply phrey Bogart won, I can’t believe he living under good conditions. “We’re two grizzly cubs pretending to be a played like that.” really looking for the cream of the grown human man all along. If you have ever been inside the crop here,” says one local grizzly, Chad, the Grizzly, says that in Centralizer office, you will see that “which is why many of us prey on the future, bears living in Philadel- sitting on top of the sink, is a tiny, Central High School students. These phia will be looking towards private green, prickly cactus. That cactus students are young, educated, and schools as an alternative source of belongs to the one and only, Mr. have bright futures ahead of them. nutrients. Apparently they will pri- McElhenny. Mr. McElhenny not They are organic across the board marily be targeting Quaker schools. only loves his cactus, but every Dr. Drago posted up on his block keeping it 100! as they are given approximately 15 According to Chad, while pacifists time there is a water bottle about acres on which to roam free.” have a more stiff, dull taste to them, to be thrown out, he stops it. “No, I “We aren’t savages,” says Deb, they are least likely to resist. “I find it fascinating, stimulating, especially.” When asked how his ad- could use that to water my cactus,” another local bear. “Most of our “If DeVos’ idea of education is revolutionary and magical.” This diction first came to be he said, “My he would say; he is very thoughtful wild cousins will eat anything that one where I can no longer gorge on is how Mr. Balbier feels when he wife had twins, so trying to empa- when it comes to his cactus, but not breathes. We’ve simply adapted the the developing minds of America’s listens to classical music, but more thize with her I developed my obses- his students. methods of the wild hunt to fit into the public school system, where the ivory specifically Beethoven. You always sion with maternity wear.” At least If you have been to one of the bustle of urban life. Schools provide tower of academia no longer serves hear it playing on his laptop, during it is a thoughtful obsession. When many assemblies at Central, you us with a direct food source without as a beacon fast, affordable produce, class, before class, after class, etc. asked to comment on her husband’s know that Mr. McKenna loves tak- the hassle of separating mothers from well then I don’t want any part of it, “It’s legit,” he said. This addiction is addiction, his wife was not available ing care of his building, and he loves their young. We try to get to know our and I’ll be taking my services some- real, but might not necessarily be a for questions. She later relented and his trash receptacles even more. He victims first. You know, send them a where else.” bad one. reconsidered, “I am worried about is very overprotective of them, so Facebook friend request or slide into Dr. Drago, a history teacher at Elliot’s mental health.” Dr. Drago he always makes sure students and Central, might have the weirdest might need to make sure things do faculty throw out their trash in an or- addiction yet: maternity clothes. not get out of hand, because if there Mit Mit (278) and Kriztof (278) derly fashion. He has been trying to Hidden in his office you will find is a maternity wearing Drago roam- Memelordz suppress his obsession but recently, a catalogue filled with options of ing the halls, we may have a prob- he has bought more trash cans for maternity outfits to wear. Dr. Drago lem. the school. I need to get this one ap- said, “I am a big proponent of mater- proved. nity formal wear. Mom-to-be-xedos JJDrizzle: The Weatherman

Smella Smaff (276) he received his certificate in the lan- Lil Dreidel want to raise funds to bring back guage office, “I guess you could say Insider source tells us that Chef Gordon Ramsey is the head lunch lady. CBN so I can televise my forecasts Until now, Central students the forecast that day was light show- weekly,” JJ continued. (Note: for the would refer to the trusty “Snow Day ers. From my eyes, I mean,” he clari- unfamiliar, CBN stands for Central Calculator” while sitting in class or fied. JJDrizzle told me he was look- Broadcast Network). Clearly, JJ- actually read the weather forecast to ing forward to all the opportunities Drizzle has many plans to establish assess the likelihood of one of those his new title would offer him, like a his brand. coveted alerts: “All School District cool mug and dozens more Twitter Even though the season of snow of Philadelphia Schools & Adminis- followers. days is winding down, make sure to trative Offices Closed due to Inclem- JJ told me that although he is check your feed for updates from Mr. Howland’s ent Weather.” Last week, however, qualified for all sorts of weather JJDrizzle. Who knows, maybe one Central’s own Señor Julien received prognoses- 24 hour forecasts, seven day you will see him on The Weather his official certificate in Bold Weath- day forecasts, and the like- his favor- Channel- in Spanish, of course. Newfound Love er Predictions (BWP) and will now ites are easily bold weather predic- be a reliable and easily accessible tions. “I don’t like to play it safe,” The Legend of Kora(276) source for all weather-related infor- he revealed, “JJDrizzle is Testigo de Jehovah mation. When he is not laying down not going to tone down his the law and serving justice as the predictions to be ‘plausible.’ Head of Discipline of the Central I always tell my students to community, Julien, under the pseud- think big and take risks- you onym JJDrizzle, is keeping students know, except the AP kids. and staff alike in the loop about the They’re following a rubric.” forecast through his Snapchat stories Fascinating, or “muy inte- and tweets. resante” as JJ might say. I I had the privilege of speaking asked JJDrizzle if his online with Mr. Julien- err, Mr. Drizzle- to presence will expand as a discuss his new certificate. A brief result of his new qualifica- warning: to my chagrin, JJDrizzle in- tions, and he assured me that sisted on speaking entirely in Span- it certainly will. “In the next ish, so if some of the quotes sound few months, I am working slightly off, it is because they were to connect students with translated by yours truly. Anyway, I automatic text and email asked Mr. Drizzle about his reaction alerts when I make a new to his impressive achievement, and prediction. In the long term, his gratitude and excitement were I hope to launch a kickstarter evident. “I was so relieved, I was campaign to create my own just overcome with emotion,” he said signature app,” Mr. Drizzle Senior Julien’s Snapchat name @maestrojj. with a smile, recalling the moment gushed excitedly. “I even

THE PLAGIARIZER ((o.3.0)) rawr xDD ¯\_(:/)_/¯ Central’s Alternative Facts: AP Misconception

es. “I spent four years trying to build ered, Mr. McKenna says, “It’s not that Razzle Dazzle and Sweet Caroline (277) Funny People up my GPA for this? I don’t think so.” we were lying to students, we just pre- Fortte was recently denied acceptance Programming your TI-84 sented them with alternative facts. It’s Centraliar journalists went under- to McGill University, his dream school, for the greater good of the school com- cover this week to investigate allega- and he blames the lack of multiplier. munity. Look how well we’re doing!” tions made against AP classes at Cen- Needless to say, he is infuriated and Ms. Harrington weighs in on the tral. While crawling through the vents wants to put an end to this senseless issue, “We know that this was risky to above the main office, our journalist manipulation. “The Central community keep from the students, but we felt like overheard Mr. McKenna and Ms. Har- deserves the truth. The real truth.” Bringing a No.1 pencil it was something that needed to be done rington whispering suspiciously in his Students are shocked that they have for the sake of our school’s reputation. office. Further investigation shows that been at Central for three or four years We’re taking responsibility for this in- pretty much every AP student at Cen- without realizing this. “Everyone just cident though and we apologize to our tral has been under the misconception told me there was a multiplier, and I Not waking up to take the SAT AP students.” that there would be a 1.2 multiplier on believed them,” said Joana Pajo (277), Our team of journalists is work- their GPA. “Why wouldn’t I?” ing hard to uncover more unknown dis- Needless to say, AP students are School administration has defend- crepancies in our school community. If ticked off. “What’s even the point of ed this policy, saying that they felt that anything seems to be out of place, and taking the class without the multipli- they would have higher AP enrollment the real facts just do not line up, please er?” says Alan Fortte (276), a student if students had the incentive of the mul- In-school SAT report it to our fact checking staff. Stay currently enrolled in multiple AP class- tiplier. Now that they have been uncov- woke Central. You know what.. im about to say it.. Bad and Boujee Teachers

I don’t care that we have more trash receptacles! Dylan Lewis (277) Funny jawn

Mr. Humes Mr. Crawford Raindrop Raindrop Drop top Drop top Man those slopes got a steep drop You know who’s still alive? Tupac.

Ms. Harrington Mr. Hung Raindrop Raindrop Drop top Drop top Where’s your ID? That shirt looks too The women’s studies advisory is al- cropped ways open to hosting a workshop

Mr. McKenna Raindrop Drop top Cross at the walk. Those cars aren’t gonna stop

Mr. Lobron Raindrop Drop top Stop changing the background to your face on the desktop

Anna Pugsley’s Little Sister (277) International Day Mishaps Said Every Teacher Ever eign than that. It is almost as great as the Mit (278) and Little Skittle(278) standing Tower of Pisa, that is, if there Young Bouls was one. Wait a second, that is not all. International Day, celebrated on To top it off, we have Chinese food from March 2nd of this year, is a tradition across the street as well, still in its con- at Central High. Every year our school tainer! Taco Bout diversity, huh? encourages us to embrace our diversity, However, the main point is to con- and to get to know about the variety of gratulate the students’ time and effort for cultures and backgrounds of the people contributing to the cafe. Many students we go to school with. The cultural spent seconds and minutes preparing a groups turned the dusty and crusty hall- dish for International Day. As the chili ways into something to gawk at, com- morning set in, students were waiting plete with decorations indicative of their in the long-drawn-out line in which they culture. Many individuals at Central placed their dish in the cafe. It only took meet with different cultures and were about a half an hour. The students who able to associate with the culture via did not prepare a dish for International the hallways, The International Day As- Day should also be given a praise as they sembly, and The International Day Cafe: still wounded up in the International Day another important aspect of International cafe. This was all thanks to tickets that Day, thankfully got students’ minds off were left on the floor by a thoughtless the dreaded lunchroom for a day. student. Lastly, let us have a moment The Modern Language Department of silence to all the disposable contain- encouraged its students to bring in foods ers who could not return to their beloved from various parts of the world. How- owner. Not only that, but the amount of ever, some students did not hear that last food that was wasted that could have part too well. They went as far as across been given back to the owner. At the end the street from Central High. Some stu- of the day, the food was the real MVP dents brought in an exquisite foreign of the International Day cafe, and ulti- dish that many students would yearn to mately it left every student with a new eat: pizza. It can not get any more for- vibe of positivi-tea.

THE CROOKEDLIAR page 5 W()T IN TARNATION! Bdubs On Thursdays

The Bellster (276) and Taylor Bummers (276) So You Think You M.A.S.H. Soccer Mom and Penn State How to play: Find a friend (if you don’t have one, anyone will do). Know the Bell Close your eyes while your “friend” draws a spiral, and yell “stop” when you want them to stop drawing. Count the number of rings in the spiral. Remember this number. Starting at Mansion under the MASH heading, count down each line until you get to the option corresponding to your Schedule? number. Cross this out and continue moving down the page, counting each line and crossing out the answer corresponding to your number. Continue eliminating entries, but do not count any entry once it has been eliminated. When you reach the Anna Pugsley’s Little Sister (277) end of the list, continue counting from the top down. When only one selection is left in each category, that selection becomes Said Every Teacher Ever part of your fortune. When your fortune is selected for each category, place the options in the following template and read your future! 1. We’ll start easy here. When does 5. You have seventh period lunch, fifth period start on a regular bell? but spend the first fifteen minutes of After graduating Central, you will at- 3. Career day occupation 6. Wedding Location a. 12:13 your lunch period making up a quiz tend ______college, but will be -Lawyer -Jack Frost ski mountain b. 12:16 during a 46 minute bell schedule. If forever remembered for ______. -Dentist -What remains of Willow Grove Day Camp c. 1:10 you leave school immediately and You will work as a(n) ______and -Archivist -The pool on the fifth floor d. 1:13 it takes eleven minutes to walk to live in a(n) ______. You will mar- -Journalist -The Chinese store across the street 2. When does third period end on a Broad & Olney, will you be able to ry ______and your dream venue of ______, and ______will officiate the 60 minute bell? catch the subway on time at 2:37PM? wedding. 4. MASH 7. Officiator of the wedding a. 11:16 a. Yes 1. College options -Mansion -Bonner b. 11:28 b. No -Temple -Apartment -Burns c. 11:32 6. Your lab teacher gives you one -Temple -Shack -Balbier d. 11:36 and a half class periods to complete a -Temple -House -Batra 3. You arrive at your advisory at test. If today is a 60 minute bell and -Temple 8:09AM during an early dismissal you have lab during first and second bell. How many minutes of nap time periods, when is the latest possible 2. What will you be known for 5. Marry do you have left until the bell rings? time to turn in the test? -Having the best senior prank -Your chemistry lab partner a. 16 a. 10:19:30 -Getting dress coded every day -Your locker neighbor -Being the biggest Girl Scout cookie -That “weird” kid in class b. 19 b. 10:20:00 buyer -The president of Robotics c. 20 c. 10:20:30 -Having the most chalked roster ever d. 23 d. 10:21:00 4. You have an early dismissal exact- 7. You’re caught trying to leave the ly halfway through sixth period on a building ten minutes into third peri- Northeast Living regular bell. At what time are you al- od on a 46 minute bell in an attempt Razzle Dazzle (277) and Alana Del-bae (276) lowed to leave? to go to the Subway on LaSalle’s Meme Masters a. 1:36 campus. If the Subway opens at If you live in Northeast Philadelphia, you will most likely find these struggles relatable. b. 1:40 11:00AM, were you caught before or - When your Uber home after a night on the town is $30 c. 1:44 after it opens? - When you use half days as an excuse to go downtown d. 1:48 a. Before - Having ten different ways to get home via SEPTA b. After - Waking up at 5:30 to get to school at 8:01 - Not getting invited to things because people will assume it is too far from you - Leaving your plans early on weekdays so you can get home with your transpass - Texting your friends to leave their house now when you have been on the train for 30 minutes - Not having to worry about missing breakfast because there’s a Dunkin' Donuts or a Wawa within two minutes of each other Surge Pricing You not getting home - Buffalo Wild Wings every Thursday Demand is off the charts! Rates have increased to get more ubers on - Philly Mills being the weakest hood the road

- When the banger is always across the world Answers: B, D, D, B, B, A, A A, B, B, D, D, B, Answers: Bonner’s Guinness Record S.O.S. accommodate all the students that need to machines in the cafeteria trying to get out on the Sweeney Todd cast rehearsing for Jimmer Fredette (276) Abigail “Bear”ett (276) serve detentions for you. Does that make some trail mix. He was sticking his paws the musical. He jammed out to the songs Pastor Consistency you proud? inside the bottom flip door anxiously try- for a while before he was finally chased Central’s very own Ms. Bonner made A: It makes me very proud. I know Somebody call 911, grizzly fire burn- ing to grab the bag, all while he was hold- out by the security guards. Although they history on March 23, 2017 by breaking that I can’t stay here forever, but I think ing on the dancefloor. Whoa! A grizzly ing up the line. did not use firearms to force him out, the record for most detentions given in that the 5th floor will be a long lasting bear was spotted roaming around Cen- Later he was seen sitting in on Mr. Betsy DeVos did make it clear that guns the U.S. She toppled the last record by legacy, and I MEAN what I say. tral High School on March 2nd. He most Balbier’s psychology class- it was a little should be allowed in schools “to protect giving her 200,597,324,209,190th de- likely got the word about International hard for him to squeeze into the desk, from potential grizzlies.” How wise she tention to a boy who had tripped over Q: Some of the students at Central Day and wanted to come check out the but he looked very intrigued by the wise is to be able to predict such a thing. This his shoelaces. The DDI (Department of High School have said that you give out action. He was first seen sitting in the Freudian theories. I guess he wanted to event will go down in history as one of Drawlin’ Individuals) has awarded her too many detentions, and that you are just library on the 2nd floor reading Lord of learn a thing or two about the human the most bear-zarre days at Central. with a $1,000 dollar cash prize and a free being rude. What do you have to say to the Flies. He was later seen at the vending thought process. After school, he spied trip to Disney World. I had a chance to those students? chat with Ms. Bonner about her achieve- A: I personally think it’s preposter- ment. ous to say that I’m rude. I’m the nicest person I know. In fact, my niece loves Illustration by Dylan Lewis (277) Q: So Ms. Bonner, obviously you me. You’re the one that’s being rude in have given out an extraordinary amount asking a question like that, so you’ll have of detentions at this school since day one. to serve a detention after school. Were you trying to break the detention re- cord all along, or did things just turn out Ms. Bonner´s award was officially well for you? given on March 28th. She continues to A: Ever since I was a young girl, add detentions to her total, and it appears the detention record was my greatest to be almost impossible for anyone else dream, and I never lost sight of that goal to reach her numbers in the future. Cen- throughout my teaching career. tral students should be proud and thank- ful that they get to participate in history. Q: There is word that workers have begun building a 5th floor so that you can Not My School! THE PUBLICIZER Im not with her Make America Great Again! 306-232 Trump

Anna Pugsley’s Little Sister (277) Said Every Teacher Ever

ACROSS

3) Mascot of Central’s athletic rival 6) All students in 278 and under have to pass these tests in order to graduate 7) The ____ prom and the senior class trip are scheduled for the same day this year 12) Mr. McKenna is appalled at the state of this room 13) Students are not permitted to bring this type of metal cutlery to school 14) Shortened name for an item often for sale on class Facebook pages 15) Street that everyone who rides the subway jaywalks across

DOWN

1)The Boy’s Lacrosse team and Central-THON recently held fundraisers at this business 2) Number of bottle filling stations in the building 4) Don’t get caught using your ____ outside of the main hallways 5) A phrase that strikes fear in every girl’s heart if she’s wearing a crop top (two words, omit the space) 8) The school has gone on ____ twice this year. Only one of those times was a drill. 9)Too long to be a quiz, too short to be a test 10)The new vending machine allowed students to buy snacks with this type of card until it broke on the first day 11) Item that was supposedly inside the school during 278’s Keystone exams in May 2016, causing an evacuation

April Horoscopes

Greek Young Boul (277) Capricorn (December 22nd-January Finesse Editor 19th): With Pluto in your planetary position, you will be able to do anything Aries (March 21st-April 19th): This you set your mind to if you work hard, is the week to start that new project so get out there and rule the world. you have been wanting to work on. Com- You spend most of your time focusing munication is key, so say what you have on your career which shows your pru- been thinking, but be careful with how dency and with Venus is retrograde, stick to your old methods, since that you put it because some problems may Cancer (June 21st-July 22nd): Learn Libra (September 23rd-October is what has worked before. Relation- arise. With Venus in retrograde you a new recipe or spend some time with 22nd): Make plans to do something ships have not worked out for you, but will want to be impulsive but be patient, your family this week. Show love and new this week. Stop procrastinating on do not give up, your dependability and and do what you know how to do best. compassion to those looked down upon, that project or that thing you have to devotion are instrumental in your social but do not get hurt when it may not do. Don’t be afraid to take that step be reciprocated back. Your affection prosperity. Taurus (April 20th-May 20th): Learn in your relationship. This week you will makes it easy for you to understand to trust others and move on, though find a boost in your social life, but make people, so help a friend in their time with Venus in retrograde you will want sure to be humble and not let it go to Aquarius (January 20th-February of need, do something that will make to hold on to the past. Even if what your head. Your competitiveness will 18th): Take some time and appreciate them feel better. worked before sounds comforting, it bring out the worst in you so be care- your friends and family. Call up an old may not always be the best way to han- Leo (July 23rd-August 22nd): Do ful how you present yourself but your friend to see how they are doing. Do dle situations. This week your finances not be afraid to open up, rely on your cooperativeness will make sure you stay not go against your judgement and use are starting to look up, use that money friends to help overcome whatever is in check. your originality to reach for the stars. to start a new business endeavor or bothering you. Rekindle old bonds if Your fondness of freedom will help you spend it on something useful. you are feeling nostalgic, they will be Scorpio (October 23rd-November set out and make new unconventional good for you. Your confidence will get 21st): With Venus in retrograde, your relationships that others might find you in trouble but ask for forgiveness self-control will be useful when afflic- odd. With Venus in retrograde, beware Gemini (May 21st-June 20th): Your and that is what you will get. Your loy- tions make you imprudent. You might of fake friends and the calumny that indecision and doubt might be a prob- alty to those you love will get you back feel unappreciated but do not worry come with them. lem for you, but do not make any rash on track with them if you were not al- things will work out. Be careful who you decisions and say no when you have to. ready before. trust and be cautious with an undesir- You will want to take others’ matters able connections. Use your resourceful- Pisces (February 19th-March 20th): into your own hands, and know that Virgo (August 23rd-September ness to review your finances or other With Venus in retrograde, you set they might need you to mediate on 22nd): Do not overthink what has problems you might be having. out to help others and offer a hand their behalf. You are more assertive been on your mind. Take it easy and to those that are less-fortunate. At this week with the moon in your sign, stop trying to please everyone. You Sagittarius (November 22nd-Decem- times, people abuse this sympathy. do not feel the need to do everything are spreading yourself too thinly ber 21st: With Venus in retrograde Your love for humanity is vibrant and at once, don’t overwork yourself and do in the aspects of relationships and your optimism and generosity is through lively, so use it in accordance with your not stress out about the little things. friendships, refrain from focusing the roof. Make plans for the future, creativity and selflessness to improve only on these. This week many oppor- think about the past, and live in the a situation. Stay true to your intuitiv- tunities will arise, some financial, but present. Take some time to travel, ex- ity, because that is what is going to get make sure to think before you act. plore new places, or just go for a walk you through hard times. Take care of Use a positive attitude and outlook on outside to feel the nature. Be careful to any unfinished business and relax this life to help make situations lighter and not express yourself too much, people week. happier for yourself and more impor- may get the wrong idea. tantly others.

THE ANGRYORANGE Durags And Tattoos Fake News J.Cole Went Platinum With No Features CHs

Philly Mills General (276) GBC Sad Boy Ayman (276) Sports Guy Yung Computer

The Centralizer is recognizing the new artists here at Central as they are the hip hop stars of tomorrow. Congratulations to BT/Raheem, Lougar, U3L, and Nook. These four rappers have taken over the hip hop scene at Central. They each have songs ranging from 1,000 to 8,000 listens on Soundcloud with a combined total of over 40,000 plays. Classic songs that shut down every banger year round. They are looking forward to becoming the next big rappers and the Central community is eager to hear what they have coming next. From Left to right: Samuel Harrison (U3L), Sherell Slater (Lougar), Steven Jones (Nook), Brandon Taylor (BT/ Raheem) BT/RAHEEM U3L Real Name: Brandon Taylor Age: 18 Real Name: Samuel Harrison Neighborhood: Frankford Age: 18 Soundcloud: BT/Raheem Neighborhood: West Philadelphia Best Known For: “Bt/Raheemmm all up on her Soundcloud: U3L lock screen” Best Known For: Star of the Philadelphia Boys Most Popular Songs: Netflix, Shot Clock Choir Reaction to being selected: “It's an honor being Most Popular Songs: Level Up selected. I appreciate the love I've been getting Reaction to being selected: “I was never good at from my fellow classmates and peers. They anything so being selected is an honor” gave me a good jump start to something that's Brandon Taylor’s face when he gonna be great." Samuel Harrison after a long found out he was selected. Day at the studio. Nook Lougar

Real Name: Steven Jones Real Name: Sherell Slater Age: 18 Age: 18 Neighborhood: Southwest Philadelphia Neighborhood: West Philadelphia Soundcloud: TheOnlyFocus #TOF Soundcloud: TheOnlyFocus #TOF Best Known For: Old school flow Best known For: Not speaking English in his songs Most Popular Song: Death Row, She Never Knew Notable Songs: Unforgiven, I Knew It Reaction to being selected: “I’m not surprised I Reaction to being selected : “Blessed to say, Mom- deserve this :( ” ma I made it!”

Steven Jones after finishing his hit Young Sherell thinking of genius Single “Death Row” song lyrics. What are Central’s Track and Field Stars *Really* Running From?

McLovin’ (277) me,” Julius croaked as a single tear ran Emma ran out into the field of mules Angel down his face- he did not think I saw she was met with hostility- kicked sev- him, but he licked it up. “Sometimes en times in the head by American mam- Central boasts of coaching some of I can’t tell what’s real and what’s not moth donkeys, her brain chemistry was the most talented track and field stars anymore.” You see, Julius suffers from changed forever. in the district. But what are these run- an incurable ailment called a broken Ever since that fateful day her mo- ners really running from? Studies show heart. Running was his outlet, it was tor cortex has forced Emma to be in a that nobody runs for pleasure, so why his happy place. Hard to imagine, I constant state of “jog.” The way she is it that Central’s track and field team know, but fortunately with the absence describes it, “Now you wouldn’t be- feels the need to engage in such a hei- of running in his life, Julius is now in lieve me if I told you, but I could run nous act? the process of recovery. like the wind blows.” This seemingly “Anyone who runs for joy is a poser, Emma Helstrom (277) is another genuine delight that envelops Emma’s because there’s no way anyone genu- track and field star who claims to “love face when you bring up the topic of inely likes it,” says Abe Barash (277). running.” And as many times as doc- running is simply a facade, a shell of “I have never woken up in the morn- tors have tried to explain to her that the lies that she has crafted to conceal the Philly Mills General running from some hooligans! ing and told myself, ‘it's a beautiful complex, abstract concept of love can- pain. When her neighbors look out the Runners Anonymous introduced him- but then I found God, who helped me day, time to run,’ because what kind of not be applied to such a horrid activity, window to see her running down the self, “Hi everyone, my name is Chris, decide that running was the worst thing sick fool would I be to live life against she simply refuses to understand. Her street, some weep, “There goes that my friends suggested that I come here imaginable.” my morals. It baffles me that someone parents have sought medical attention, poor Helstrom girl.” Others yell at her because my running was getting out Running is spreading like an epidem- could just go for a run and convince yet Emma cannot seem to fathom the in ignorance, “Run Forrest run!” If only of hand. Often I say stuff like: ‘Each ic across our once beautiful school. So themselves that that’s somehow okay. horrors which she is inflicting upon they knew that there is nothing she can sunrise is like a starting line, each day next time you see someone running, I mean for heaven’s sake think of the herself through running. And therein do to help it. a courageous step in the journey of the take a moment, approach him, save a children.” lies the problem, for when Emma was Runners Anonymous is a new pro- marathon that is life,’ and ‘The earth is life. Tell them, “It doesn’t have to be Julius Duhan (277) is a former track but a mere child all she wanted to do gram at Central that helps those suffer- my footpath, a canvas, and a run is the like this, you can change.” Suggest and field prodigy who ran so far from was run with the horses. Unfortunately, ing from running to get the help they paintbrush by which I paint my foot- that they maybe use a bicycle, or roll- his demons, he ran straight off the track when her parents took her out to the need before it’s too late. I attended one steps.’” Isaac Gordon (277), a reformed erblades. For God’s sake there are oth- team. Several weeks ago he received an countryside on her birthday to do just of the meetings to observe the incred- runner chimed in, “I used to be like you er ways to get from point A to point B. email explaining that he was cut from that, they mistook a pack of lowly, graz- ible work the program is carrying out. Chris, but now I’m 100 days clean and the team. “It’s been a tough time for ing wild mules for mustangs; and when Chris Carson (277), a newcomer to I’ve never felt so good. I used to run, MAN I GOT THAT SWAAAG Claxed out Liar The Warriors Blew A 3-1 Lead Bdubs On Thursdays I Stand with Kyrie is round.” The fact that “qualified okay; then why wouldn’t these other they travel in space? It is so these I believe Kyrie, it is all a conspir- KoolKris21124 (276) Sports Guy scientists” have confirmed a round “qualified scientists” do the same “qualified scientists” can teach them acy theory that these “qualified sci- earth and “satellites” have taken im- thing? how to manipulate pictures to make entists” want us to believe. I won’t The Cleveland Cavaliers’ start- ages of a round earth means nothing! Did you ever wonder why those the Earth look round! If the earth believe the lies “qualified” people ing point guard Kyrie Irving made You know why? I was once astronauts at NASA have to go was really round wouldn’t I be roll- tell me anymore! headlines during the NBA All-Star told by people who I trusted and I through so much training before ing around all the time? Weekend not with his play but with thought were qualified that Santa an interesting theory. In a podcast Claus was real, that the tooth fairy with teammates Channing Frye and was REAL. Richard Jefferson, Frye asked Irving I saw pictures of Santa Claus what seemed to be a simple ques- and I took pictures on his lap every tion-- is the earth round? year. But guess what? They aren’t Irving responded by saying, “This real. My dentist used to always say is not even a conspiracy theory, the to me with a giant convincing smile Earth is flat.” on her face, “Hey Kris if you brush Really Kyrie? Are you kidding your teeth really well and floss, San- me? How did this guy go to Duke?-- ta will make sure you have a great That’s what most people have been Christmas!” saying about Irving’s comments. I, You can only imagine the an- however, support Kyrie’s beliefs. ger and pain I felt when I realized Yes, I have heard those who that I had been brushing and flossing say, “Well there are satellite images, my teeth nonstop for nothing! If my and qualified scientists and astro- doctor can lie to me like this right to nauts have confirmed that the Earth my face and with a smile as if it is

Not My Superbowl Champions At the age of five, I witnessed the The Lakes (276) filthiest team in the NFL deliberately South Philly Ambassador cheat against the Eagles in Super Bowl Proudly raised in South Philadel- XXXIX. The New England Patriots phia, I was exposed to a fervent sports had the audacity to tape the New York community. Although Philadelphia’s Jets’ defensive calls at a closed prac- sports fans have been regarded as the tice during the first week of the- sea most passionate fanbase in the coun- son. In addition, other teams, includ- try, they are also considered to be the ing the Pittsburgh Steelers, claimed most hostile supporters. The legend- that the Patriots stole defensive sig- ary stories of fans booing Santa Claus nals. So was the Patriot’s successful and throwing D-Cell batteries at J.D. preparation for the Eagle’s deceptive Drew granted us a notorious reputa- defensive formations throughout the tion. Not to mention, a jail and court- game a coincidence? I think absolute- room were present in the old Veterans ly friggin not! Stadium for rowdy spectators. These Similar to any Philadelphian, I am rich stories filled me with love for a devoted and passionate Eagles fan. Philadelphia’s professional sports. After witnessing the Patriots secure Sunday is the holiest day of the another Super Bowl victory, I feel the week in the city of brotherly love. need to expose the team that unjustifi- Prayer usually begins at 1:05 P.M and ably shattered my dreams of witness- ends with an E-A-G-L-E-S chant. My ing an Eagles parade down Broad father and I gather in the living room Street. Thus, I plan to arrange a peti- MIGUEL MOREL WAS LITERALLY SHAKING! and nervously watch the Eagles play tion against all five of the Patriot’s Su- without pause. Due to my belief in per Bowl victories. I urge every reader Find us on Tinder: The Centralizer superstitions, I refuse to consume to start a discussion on social media Follow us on Myspace @The_Centralizer any food during the game. This tactic concerning this topic while utilizing a prevents me from regurgitating if we #NotMySuperBowlChamps hashtag. blow a three possession game, which Lastly, I plan to assemble a protest Check out the BRAND SPANKIN NEW website: thecentralizer.com happens frequently. As an Eagles fan, on South Broad Street for those who I have rooted for an inconsistent team want to express their resentment for with little hope of ever winning a Su- the Patriots. Together, we will make a per Bowl. The team’s past unsuccess- difference and the opposition will feel THE IBERALIZER ful years have been a disappointment, the bird. but Philadelphians will never forget L dreadful conclusion of the 2004- 2005 Wall Builders in Chief Stop Making Mistakes! season. Menicius Monarch (276) r/Funny NASTY WOMAN (276) Ayeee Man (276) Han Solowey (277) Lancer Records (As of 95’ til infinity ) White People Sports Guys Hot Chocolate Plug (276) Philly Mills General (276) Non-Entertainment Editors Legend Of Kora (276) Half of BenFrankBeats (276) U-Haul Man (276) Most likely to chalk superlatives: Tomato Boul (277)

U.S.S.R. Photography Editors Yearbook Soviet Spy (277) Admiral Ackbar (278) Hypebeast Big MAAAC Most likely to hop on the bandwagon: Litty Squad Op-Ed Editors Despina ASJHDKJASH (277) Pickle Lewisifer (277) Miguel Morel (276) Sweet Caroline (277) Razzle Dazzle (277) Pravda Jana PugSLAY (277) Susquehanna Printing

Most likely to steal your food: Principal of St. Joe’s Prep: Mr. McKenna Jake Doggett (276) Email us: [email protected] PHILLIES TICKETS!!