1 CHAINSMOKERS: The Musical! By Devon Kerr © 2018 Devon Kerr WGA Registered 2018 [email protected] 5/6/18 2 Aesthetics Max: Frat-bro-neon-Natty-light-dad-bod-DJ-wannabe aesthetic. ​ Casey: Insta-ready-boho-chic-ombre-hair-zoodle-vegan-diet aesthetic. ​ Priscilla: Business-boss-black-and-white-sociopathic aesthetic. (Doesn’t have an Instagram) ​ Damien: Mysterious-bad-boy-demonic-douchebag aesthetic. ​ Jason: Aesthetic is too big of a word for him to pronounce. ​ Rilton: Faux-hipster-neo-communist-trying-hard-to-not-try-hard-chill-girl aesthetic. ​ Jackie: A-lamp-with-a-woman’s-face-taped-to-the-front aesthetic. ​ The Narrator/Halsey: Tumblr-cool-girl-woke-literary-secret-One-Directioner aesthetic. ​ The Irrelevants: Mr. Smoke, Mrs. Smoke, Waiter, Nurse, Lyft Passenger. ​ Location New York City, baby. Time Present-Day. Notes: Waiter, Nurse, and Lyft Passenger are played by The Narrator. 3 PROLOGUE The Narrator stands out across the vastness of the space. She clears her throat. THE NARRATOR Two households both alike in dignity In fair Verona where we lay our sc-- Oh, excuse me. This isn’t my latest album. Good evening, ladies and gentle-bros, DGs and future trustees Welcome to a night of magic and mischief Where anything is possible Except any of you being sober. “CLOSER” Jason emerges. JASON Hey, I was feeling just fine before I met you. Drink too much and that’s an issue. But I’m OK. THE NARRATOR And who am I, you may ask? You’ve heard my whispers in your dreams Impossible to drown out with your screams I’m younger than you yet impossibly old More power and riches than you tenfold My influence growing like a roaring flame You know who I am, but perhaps not my name (pause) I am Halsey. Young Artist Literary Savant Critiquer of the New Americana And One-Direction Superfan! Priscilla emerges. 4 PRISCILLA Hey, Tell your friends it was nice to meet them But I hope I never see them again. THE NARRATOR Tonight I’ll be telling you a story of love, loss, and EDM A tale of two Generation Ys Stomachs bigger than their eyes And despite their privilege of being white They just can’t seem to get it right. A devastating story with more woe Than that of Juliet and her Romeo That’s right, I read Shakespeare in 8th Grade. No big deal or anything. Rilton emerges. RILTON I know it breaks your heart To move to the city in a brokedown car THE NARRATOR We take you now to New York City Where buildings are tall and bathrooms are filthy Damien emerges. DAMIEN Four years no calls And now you’re looking pretty in a hotel bar THE NARRATOR To a place you recognize but have never been Because they wouldn’t let the likes of you in Max emerges. MAX And I, I, I, I can’t stop 5 MAX And I, I, I, I can’t stop Casey emerges and stands next to Max. She glances at him, loaded with regret. The group looks forward in unison. EVERYONE So baby hold me closer In the backseat of your rover That I know you can’t afford Bite that tattoo on your shoulder Pull the sheets right off the corner Off the mattress that you stole From your roommate back in Boulder We ain’t ever getting older We ain’t ever getting older We ain’t ever getting older We ain’t ever getting older We ain’t ever getting older We ain’t ever getting older As they chant, they sweep across the stage, each exiting until only Casey and Priscilla are left, doing their makeup in a bathroom mirror. THE NARRATOR One in the morning, and near blackout You’ll recognize without a doubt What’s shaping up to be A forgettable night out. She finally leaves. 6 SCENE ONE Casey and Priscilla continue doing their makeup. The pulsing rhythm of the club can barely be heard through the door. Both seem to be struggling-- Casey’s hand is shaking slightly and Priscilla just doesn’t seem to know how to use mascara. CASEY Ugh, I keep messing up my eyeliner. I knew I shouldn’t have had that sixth shot of everclear. PRISCILLA That was household bleach. CASEY Well, it did the trick. I’m feeling freaking sloshed. She coughs a bit in her hand, maybe spits something out. CASEY So, your big night out. You excited? PRISCILLA I feel no emotional response either way. CASEY Ugh. You’re such a party pooper. I don’t even know why I even brought you here. PRISCILLA You said because, “I read a Buzzfeed article that bringing along uglier friends makes you look hotter by comparison.” CASEY Hey Priscilla, I don’t need read receipts for all of our conversations. (pause, observes) You are really doing a terrible job at that. It’s like you’ve never watched a makeup tutorial before. PRISCILLA I haven’t. CASEY Oh my god, WHAT? Never? No wonder you look like you have tuberculosis. You are so lucky you have ​ ​ me as your roommate. Here, let me do it. She begins her project. 7 PRISCILLA I don’t understand. I thought you said you wanted to “dance.” Why are we spending so much time on makeup? CASEY Everybody knows that dancing is only fun if you can feel confident in your body. And you only feel confident if guys are watching you. And guys only watch you if you look good. And you don’t look good without doing your makeup. And you don’t do your makeup without watching hours of YouTube videos online to understand each and every subtle variation of the “winged eyeliner.” PRISCILLA Whatever you say to resolve your cognitive dissonance. CASEY (pause, working) ...Did you see? Jason’s here tonight. PRISCILLA Who? CASEY Jason. The guy outside? The one who puked up four cigarettes on my shoes? And then smoked one of them? PRISCILLA Ah, yes. Jason. Your mate. CASEY Well, I don’t know if I’d go that far. We just hooked up a few times, is all. He’s fine… but sometimes I want someone who will, I don’t know, sweep me off my feet. Millennials really did kill chivalry, just like we killed bar soap, J. Crew, diamonds, Applebee’s, golf, fabric softener, JFK, Buffalo Wild Wings, Tupac, and the American Dream. Maybe we’ll find you a slick dick tonight! With this makeup on, you look like a goddess, seriously. PRISCILLA No need. I’ve evolved beyond a male companion. CASEY But what about that guy you’re always talking about? Arthur? Your “fella?” PRISCILLA MacArthur Fellow. I’m a MacArthur Fellow. ​ 8 CASEY Both? Mack and Arthur? You are such a slut. We really have nothing in common, Prissy. Sometimes I wonder why we’re even roommates. PRISCILLA (terrifying) ​ Sweet child, you’re the only thing tying me to humanity. After one of my scientific experiments went horribly wrong, my brain mass has been growing at exponential speeds. Without you keeping me grounded with prattling nonsense, I fear my intellect would overtake my empathetic impulses, creating an unstoppable deity of pure logic and terror. CASEY Oh my god… You have the cutest wrists! It’s decided: We’re getting matching tattoos. I’ll let you pick whether we get Bon Iver lyrics or coordinates of the Urban Outfitters I lost my virginity in. Don’t worry, it won’t hurt too much. PRISCILLA Actually I’ve learned to control my pain receptors through an ancient meditative art perfected-- CASEY Blah, blah, blah, Spiritual but not religious. I GET IT. Jason wanders in from the side, his dead eyes scanning the bathroom. JASON Sup? CASEY Jay-bae! You’re not allowed in here. Wait outside, sweetie-kins. JASON Bathroom? CASEY Yes. This is the women’s room. You don’t want to see how the sausage gets made, honey boo boo ​ ​ beary-weary. JASON Bathroom. CASEY (straining) ​ OK. Just go over there, baby-way-be pancake Face-book. 9 He shrugs, turns around and pees on the floor. PRISCILLA Is he alright? JASON (to himself) ​ My weenie feels funny. CASEY He’s been in a light coma ever since he took too much molly at Coachella. Don’t worry. He’s on a lot of addy to even him out. PRISCILLA Is that considered within the normal behavioral range of your cultural sect? JASON He, he. Sex. CASEY Normal? No! Most people can only afford to go to Bonnaroo. Jason zips up his fly, apparently finished. JASON Casey... come? CASEY We’ll be out in a second, Jay-Jay. Just go chew on some ice for a bit. He dawdles toward the exit. CASEY Did you hear that? He said my full name, no stutters! Maybe things are getting more serious... We should capture the moment. For the fans. She whips out her phone and takes a quick mirror selfie. Priscilla robotically positions her body. CASEY Say “No longer the side chick!” PRISCILLA No thank you. 10 Casey takes the photo. CASEY Perf. You look like a sexy mannequin. She puts her phone away and continues to do her makeup. “#SELFIE” CASEY When Jason was at the table I kept on seeing him look at me when he was with that other girl Do you think he was just doing that to make me jealous? Because he was totally texting me all night last night And I don't know if it's a booty call or not So, like what do you think? PRISCILLA I would need more scientific observation-- CASEY Did you think that girl was pretty? How did that girl even get in here? Did you see her? She's so short and that dress is so tacky Who wears cheetah? It's not even summer, why does the DJ keep on playing Summertime Sadness? After we go to the bathroom, can we go smoke a cigarette? I really need one But first, Let me take a selfie Can you help me pick a filter? I don't know if I should go with XX Pro or Valencia I wanna look tan What should my caption be? I want it to be clever How about "Livin' with my bitches, Hashtag live" I only got 10 likes in the last 5 minutes Do you think I should take it down? Let me take another selfie 11 CASEY Wait, pause, Jason just liked my selfie What a creep I mean I know he’s in a light coma and everything But still Is that guy sleeping over there? Yeah, the one next to the girl with no shoes on That's so ratchet That girl is such a fake model She definitely bought all her Instagram followers Who goes out on Mondays? Ok, let's go take some shots Oh no, I feel like I'm gonna throw up Oh wait, never mind I'm fine Let's go dance There's no vodka at this table Do you know anyone else here? Oh my god, Jason just texted me Should I go home with him? I guess I took a good selfie Selfie Selfie Selfie Selfie Selfie Selfie Selfie Let me take a selfie Casey takes a shot, then falls backwards into her bed.