CHAINSMOKERS: the Musical! by Devon Kerr

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CHAINSMOKERS: The Musical! By Devon Kerr

Aesthetics

Max: Frat-bro-neon-Natty-light-dad-bod-DJ-wannabe aesthetic.

Casey: Insta-ready-boho-chic-ombre-hair-zoodle-vegan-diet aesthetic.

Priscilla: Business-boss-black-and-white-sociopathic aesthetic. (Doesn’t have an Instagram)

Damien: Mysterious-bad-boy-demonic-douchebag aesthetic.

Jason: Aesthetic is too big of a word for him to pronounce.

Rilton: Faux-hipster-neo-communist-trying-hard-to-not-try-hard-chill-girl aesthetic.

Jackie: A-lamp-with-a-woman’s-face-taped-to-the-front aesthetic.

The Narrator/Halsey: Tumblr-cool-girl-woke-literary-secret-One-Directioner aesthetic.

The Irrelevants: Mr. Smoke, Mrs. Smoke, Waiter, Nurse, Lyft Passenger.

Location

New York City, baby.

Time

Present-Day.

Notes:

Waiter, Nurse, and Lyft Passenger are played by The Narrator.

PROLOGUE

The Narrator stands out across the vastness of the space. She clears her throat.

THE NARRATOR Two households both alike in dignity In fair Verona where we lay our sc-- Oh, excuse me. This isn’t my latest album.

Good evening, ladies and gentle-bros, DGs and future trustees Welcome to a night of magic and mischief Where anything is possible Except any of you being sober.

“CLOSER”

Jason emerges.

JASON Hey, I was feeling just fine before I met you. Drink too much and that’s an issue. But I’m OK.

THE NARRATOR And who am I, you may ask? You’ve heard my whispers in your dreams Impossible to drown out with your screams I’m younger than you yet impossibly old More power and riches than you tenfold My influence growing like a roaring flame You know who I am, but perhaps not my name (pause) I am Halsey.

Young Artist Literary Savant Critiquer of the New Americana And One-Direction Superfan!

Priscilla emerges.

PRISCILLA Hey, Tell your friends it was nice to meet them But I hope I never see them again.

THE NARRATOR Tonight I’ll be telling you a story of love, loss, and EDM A tale of two Generation Ys Stomachs bigger than their eyes And despite their privilege of being white They just can’t seem to get it right. A devastating story with more woe Than that of Juliet and her Romeo That’s right, I read Shakespeare in 8th Grade. No big deal or anything.

Rilton emerges.

RILTON I know it breaks your heart To move to the city in a brokedown car

THE NARRATOR We take you now to New York City Where buildings are tall and bathrooms are filthy

Damien emerges.

DAMIEN Four years no calls And now you’re looking pretty in a hotel bar

THE NARRATOR To a place you recognize but have never been Because they wouldn’t let the likes of you in

Max emerges.

MAX And I, I, I, I can’t stop

Casey emerges and stands next to Max. She glances at him, loaded with regret. The group looks forward in unison.

EVERYONE So baby hold me closer In the backseat of your rover That I know you can’t afford Bite that tattoo on your shoulder Pull the sheets right off the corner Off the mattress that you stole From your roommate back in Boulder We ain’t ever getting older We ain’t ever getting older We ain’t ever getting older We ain’t ever getting older We ain’t ever getting older We ain’t ever getting older

As they chant, they sweep across the stage, each exiting until only Casey and Priscilla are left, doing their makeup in a bathroom mirror.

THE NARRATOR One in the morning, and near blackout You’ll recognize without a doubt What’s shaping up to be A forgettable night out.

She finally leaves.

SCENE ONE

Casey and Priscilla continue doing their makeup. The pulsing rhythm of the club can barely be heard through the door. Both seem to be struggling-- Casey’s hand is shaking slightly and Priscilla just doesn’t seem to know how to use mascara.

CASEY Ugh, I keep messing up my eyeliner. I knew I shouldn’t have had that sixth shot of everclear.

PRISCILLA That was household bleach.

CASEY Well, it did the trick. I’m feeling freaking sloshed.

She coughs a bit in her hand, maybe spits something out.

CASEY So, your big night out. You excited?

PRISCILLA I feel no emotional response either way.

CASEY Ugh. You’re such a party pooper. I don’t even know why I even brought you here.

PRISCILLA You said because, “I read a Buzzfeed article that bringing along uglier friends makes you look hotter by comparison.”

CASEY Hey Priscilla, I don’t need read receipts for all of our conversations. (pause, observes) You are really doing a terrible job at that. It’s like you’ve never watched a makeup tutorial before.

PRISCILLA I haven’t.

CASEY Oh my god, WHAT? Never? No wonder you look like you have tuberculosis. You are so lucky you have me as your roommate. Here, let me do it.

She begins her project.

PRISCILLA I don’t understand. I thought you said you wanted to “dance.” Why are we spending so much time on makeup?

CASEY Everybody knows that dancing is only fun if you can feel confident in your body. And you only feel confident if guys are watching you. And guys only watch you if you look good. And you don’t look good without doing your makeup. And you don’t do your makeup without watching hours of YouTube videos online to understand each and every subtle variation of the “winged eyeliner.”

PRISCILLA Whatever you say to resolve your cognitive dissonance.

CASEY (pause, working) ...Did you see? Jason’s here tonight.

PRISCILLA Who?

CASEY Jason. The guy outside? The one who puked up four cigarettes on my shoes? And then smoked one of them?

PRISCILLA Ah, yes. Jason. Your mate.

CASEY Well, I don’t know if I’d go that far. We just hooked up a few times, is all. He’s fine… but sometimes I want someone who will, I don’t know, sweep me off my feet. Millennials really did kill chivalry, just like we killed bar soap, J. Crew, diamonds, Applebee’s, golf, fabric softener, JFK, Buffalo Wild Wings, Tupac, and the American Dream. Maybe we’ll find you a slick dick tonight! With this makeup on, you look like a goddess, seriously.

PRISCILLA No need. I’ve evolved beyond a male companion.

CASEY But what about that guy you’re always talking about? Arthur? Your “fella?”

PRISCILLA MacArthur Fellow. I’m a MacArthur Fellow.

CASEY Both? Mack and Arthur? You are such a slut. We really have nothing in common, Prissy. Sometimes I wonder why we’re even roommates.

PRISCILLA (terrifying) Sweet child, you’re the only thing tying me to humanity. After one of my scientific experiments went horribly wrong, my brain mass has been growing at exponential speeds. Without you keeping me grounded with prattling nonsense, I fear my intellect would overtake my empathetic impulses, creating an unstoppable deity of pure logic and terror.

CASEY Oh my god… You have the cutest wrists! It’s decided: We’re getting matching tattoos. I’ll let you pick whether we get Bon Iver lyrics or coordinates of the Urban Outfitters I lost my virginity in. Don’t worry, it won’t hurt too much.

PRISCILLA Actually I’ve learned to control my pain receptors through an ancient meditative art perfected--

CASEY Blah, blah, blah, Spiritual but not religious. I GET IT.

Jason wanders in from the side, his dead eyes scanning the bathroom.

JASON Sup?

CASEY Jay-bae! You’re not allowed in here. Wait outside, sweetie-kins.

JASON Bathroom?

CASEY Yes. This is the women’s room. You don’t want to see how the sausage gets made, honey boo boo beary-weary.

JASON Bathroom.

CASEY (straining) OK. Just go over there, baby-way-be pancake Face-book.

He shrugs, turns around and pees on the floor.

PRISCILLA Is he alright?

JASON (to himself) My weenie feels funny.

CASEY He’s been in a light coma ever since he took too much molly at Coachella. Don’t worry. He’s on a lot of addy to even him out.

PRISCILLA Is that considered within the normal behavioral range of your cultural sect?

JASON He, he. Sex.

CASEY Normal? No! Most people can only afford to go to Bonnaroo.

Jason zips up his fly, apparently finished.

JASON Casey... come?

CASEY We’ll be out in a second, Jay-Jay. Just go chew on some ice for a bit.

He dawdles toward the exit.

CASEY Did you hear that? He said my full name, no stutters! Maybe things are getting more serious... We should capture the moment. For the fans.

She whips out her phone and takes a quick mirror selfie. Priscilla robotically positions her body.

CASEY Say “No longer the side chick!”

PRISCILLA No thank you.

Casey takes the photo.

CASEY Perf. You look like a sexy mannequin.

She puts her phone away and continues to do her makeup.

“#SELFIE”

CASEY When Jason was at the table I kept on seeing him look at me when he was with that other girl Do you think he was just doing that to make me jealous? Because he was totally texting me all night last night And I don't know if it's a booty call or not So, like what do you think?

PRISCILLA I would need more scientific observation--

CASEY Did you think that girl was pretty? How did that girl even get in here? Did you see her? She's so short and that dress is so tacky Who wears cheetah? It's not even summer, why does the DJ keep on playing Summertime Sadness? After we go to the bathroom, can we go smoke a cigarette? I really need one But first, Let me take a selfie

Can you help me pick a filter? I don't know if I should go with XX Pro or Valencia I wanna look tan What should my caption be? I want it to be clever How about "Livin' with my bitches, Hashtag live" I only got 10 likes in the last 5 minutes Do you think I should take it down? Let me take another selfie

CASEY Wait, pause, Jason just liked my selfie What a creep I mean I know he’s in a light coma and everything But still Is that guy sleeping over there? Yeah, the one next to the girl with no shoes on That's so ratchet That girl is such a fake model She definitely bought all her Instagram followers Who goes out on Mondays? Ok, let's go take some shots Oh no, I feel like I'm gonna throw up Oh wait, never mind I'm fine Let's go dance There's no vodka at this table Do you know anyone else here? Oh my god, Jason just texted me Should I go home with him? I guess I took a good selfie Selfie Selfie Selfie Selfie Selfie Selfie Selfie Let me take a selfie

Casey takes a shot, then falls backwards into her bed.

SCENE TWO

Casey and Priscilla’s apartment, a total mess. Casey, still wearing her dress from last night, rolls over and groggily checks her phone. Then immediately pops out of bed.

CASEY Oh no, crap, crap, crap. I’m late for work!!! Think, Casey. Think. Got it.

She throws on a big sweatshirt. Then, quickly moves to the cabinet, pulls out a blender and sets it on top of the counter. What the hell is she doing? She takes out a camera and tripod and presses record.

CASEY Good morning all my beautiful Casey-dillas! So if you’re new here, my name is Casey and welcome to my channel! Recently I’ve been getting really into liquified foods, or what I’m calling, a smoothie. Today I thought it would be a good idea to share my, “Extra-Special Extra-Secret EXTRA-VEGAN Hangover Cure.” It’s packed to the brim with… unprocessed hydration… Vitamin L7… umm, good vegan fats… vegan electrolytes… all that stuff. We’ll start with…

She rummages through the cabinet desperately and pulls out a ton of vegetables.

CASEY Celery, which is like water, but crunchier!... Grapes! These grapes are red, which means they’re ripe, yum!.... And lastly, my favorite root-based veggie:

She pulls out an enormous bag of beets and dumps them into the blender.

CASEY Beets! These guys are a gift sent from the Gods. They will give this treat the most amazing color of blood. The only blood I’m having! #MeatisMurder! So I think we are ready to give this guy a blend.

She presses the “Blend” button. It doesn’t work. She presses several more times, a look of panic spreading across her face. Pushes a smile forward.

CASEY Um, you thought I was actually going to blend that? Surprise Casey-dillas! I’m going to make this smoothie accessible to everyone-- even those poor souls without blenders. We’re going with the old-fashion way of making this treat and use the best tools we have: Our hands!

She smashes the veggies with her fists and painfully takes a bite of the goop.

CASEY Mmmm! Scrumptious. And nothing goes with a hangover smoothie like “Flüd.”

She pulls out a fancy-looking bottle of water.

CASEY So as you know I’ve been having a lot of issues with my mom and the only thing that can keep me hydrated through all that crying is Flüd. Unlike other water, this water has a single basil leaf in it. And guys… that makes all the difference. Use my promo code at checkout: MYMOMANDIAREESTRANGED123. So there you have it. The perfect cruelty-free hangover cure. Don’t forget to like, share, and of course, subscribe!

Casey poses sexily with the vegetables. It’s very strange. Priscilla walks in with arms crossed just as Casey turns the camera off.

CASEY Priscilla, hurry, pass me my USB cord. Only got two minutes to upload this video or the commenters will rip me a second butthole.

PRISCILLA You only have one butthole?

CASEY I really need to take my career more seriously, I’m barely scraping by as it is. Did you know I have to shoplift all my clothes? I made myself a klepto!

PRISCILLA Mm. Speaking of money... The apartment rent is due.

CASEY Flüd sent me checks, I just don’t know how to deposit any of them! My estranged mother never taught me how…. Why, God, oh why can’t they just Venmo?

PRISCILLA I can deposit it for you.

CASEY No. If I learned anything from watching “I Am Malala,” it’s that women can do anything.

PRISCILLA Why don’t you just get a regular job? Like at NASA.

CASEY Priscilla, you don’t understand. I’m trying to follow my dreams. Ever since I was little… in 2010 when Instagram was founded, I knew that I wanted to be a guru-- to help others live their best lives. If I don’t cultivate my brand, then all those lost souls will never find out how to have a spa day on only a one hundred and seventy five dollar budget, or what kind of water will be the most hydrating.

PRISCILLA Just regular water--

CASEY I swear, just give me some more time. Once I get a book deal, we’ll be set.

PRISCILLA You want to write a book?

CASEY A self-published E-book. I already have a title: “Casey Says “Oh! No Gravy,” Colon Living Thin and In Charge, Colon Stop Eating and Not Working Out and Start Not Eating and Working Out.” You’re going to be roommates with the next Gwyneth Paltrow! GOOP has nothing on C-SONG-L-TAIC-SEAN-WOS-NEW-O.

PRISCILLA Wow. I can feel my brain atrophying just from listening to that pitch. Incredible. Fine. I have money saved up from when I shorted the housing market in 2008. But I don’t have the resources to upkeep this arrangement.

Casey runs in for a huge hug.

CASEY Thank you so so much Prissy. You’re the best. I swear I’ll make it up to you by sending you my funniest Vine compilation.

PRISCILLA Yes. Perfect. Anything to dull my rapidly metastasizing frontal lobe.

CASEY Now come on, I need to get to Equinox before Larry David gets there and sweats up all the machines.

As the two pack up and get ready for the day, The Narrator emerges.

THE NARRATOR Ah, the young Their need for attention always so cloying

THE NARRATOR It’s like an episode of Girls Except the characters are less annoying ...So juvenile and naive.

Yes, I’m 22, but I have an old soul. I do crossword puzzles. Whatever.

But far, far away All the way on the other side of Greenpoint Are two boys whose lives Are equally as disjoint. Their website bio reads (And this is something The Chainsmokers actually have on their website) “Tip-to-tip 17.34 combined, in inches” And their Tinder bios read “No fatties, uggos, or bitches” We all might wish the other half Of this love story had more class But true to form They both are a little trash.

She exits.

SCENE THREE

Max drives his car while Damien sits in the front seat. They are both rockin’ out to some sick beats.

MAX You ever think about cicadas? They scream. Fuck. Die. Absolute legends.

DAMIEN Woah, dude. You are blowing my mind.

MAX Wait, shhh, shhh, here he comes.

Damien turns off the music as a Lyft Passenger opens the backdoor of the car.

LYFT PASSENGER Max?

MAX That’s me. Hop on in.

She gets in, then realizes: there are two people in the front of her Lyft.

LYFT PASSENGER I’d hate to be the one to whine But I didn’t order a Lyft Line. Who is he?

MAX He’s my partner in crime, Damien. Show ‘em what’s hot, D!

Damien dabs back and forth several times.

DAMIEN Twice the fun for the same price, if you know what I’m sayin’!!! Everything has a price, if you catch my drift, man.

LYFT PASSENGER I don’t think so--

DAMIEN Alright man, I see you, I see you. You keep it real. Hey, you baptized, my main man?

LYFT PASSENGER Excuse me?

MAX Stop it, bro. No small talk. Focus.

DAMIEN Right, right.

Damien clears his throat.

DAMIEN Yo man, you like music?

LYFT PASSENGER What?

DAMIEN I said YOU LIKE MUSIC? Music? Beep boop bum bum deepele doop? You deaf or something, Helen Keller?

LYFT PASSENGER Excuse me?

MAX Relax man, he’s just playin’. We respect women, for sure. Speakin’ of music, I got a sick new mixtape from this fresh new DJ duo that’s hotter than Jennifer Lawrence’s leaked nudes.

DAMIEN Who is this dope pair?

MAX Oh, they’re like the Beatles, only with bigger dicks.

DAMIEN And Spoiler alert: they’re us!!! You want a huge dick, man, you want a floppy ol’ sausage? I can make that happen for you. Just say the word.

MAX Our DJ name is M.D.

DAMIEN Because they’re our initials put together!

MAX And because I dropped out of medical school! Pew pew pew!

DAMIEN I been working on-- I mean working with-- this dude here ever since we went on a man-date back in 2015.

MAX It’s not gay if we put man in front of it! Woot, woot! Better hop on this slay train before it leaves the slay-stion! All aboard to big dick city! Population: My dick!

DAMIEN Alright, play that fresh to death track, homeslice!

MAX Alright, if you insist!

He presses play on the radio.

“WATERBED”

RADIO Make your ass shake like a waterbed Make your ass shake like a waterbed Make your ass shake like a waterbed Make your ass shake like a waterbed

Max and Damien both bop back and forth. The Lyft Passenger is horrified.

LYFT PASSENGER Screw it. Being woke is not worth it. I’m taking an Uber, time to split.

She ducks and rolls out of the moving car.

MAX Damn it, that’s the third duck and roll this week!

DAMIEN We’re getting nowhere with this.

MAX

Ugh, Damien, I don’t understand. This is our art. Do they not understand how much work it takes to make a Soundcloud account? There’s like, so many email confirmations.

DAMIEN You know… if you really want to be famous… all you have to do is sign on the dotted line. Just your name, and you’ll become more famous than you could ever believe… heh heh heh. For a price...

He pulls out a suspicious-looking contract and old-fashioned quill and holds it temptingly.

MAX I told you man, I’m not selling out. Just like Chance says, “We ain’t got no label.”

Damien snatches the contract back. His voice booms with the darkness of an ancient evil.

DAMIEN YOU INSOLENT MORTAL FOOL-- I mean-- Sure. I respect your decision.

MAX Damien, I know you’re just looking out for me. You said it yourself, I’m in a vulnerable place.

DAMIEN (licking lips) Yes. Vulnerable.

MAX But I swear, one day I’m gonna make it. I’m going to have fun for the rest of my life. All I have to do is get someone to listen.

Max emerges from the car and sits on the hood. The music begins.

“KANYE”

MAX I have never wished and hoped Didn't need a telescope To see where I am going I have never been the one Trying hard to hold my tongue Is my stereo on

MAX

One day I'll stand with a crown on my head Like a God yeah, like a God With every step, no, I won't second guess what I want

I wanna be like Kanye I'll be the King of me always Do what I want and have it my way All day, like Kanye-eah, yeah, yeah

Like Kanye, Kanye, yeah yah, ah, yeah

I wanna be like Kanye I'll be the King of me always Do what I want and have it my way All day, like Kanye-eah, yeah, yeah

Like Kanye, Kanye, yeah yah, ah, yeah

Damien gets out of the car and rests his arm on Max’s shoulder. Then takes out the contract.

DAMIEN If you want to be Kanye, I can make that happen. Just sign here-- You can be Kanye-- Inhabit his body?-- King of the World-- Whatever you want. Just sign here!--

Max’s phone dings. He checks it, then pumps his fist.

MAX Hell, yes! I knew paying for Tinder Gold would be worth it! Sorry dude, we can start that Kanye fan club later. Looks like I got a date tonight.

He runs off stage. Damien is fuming. His true voice booms dark and evil.

DAMIEN YES, RUN OFF TO YOUR ““TINDER DATE”” BUT ONCE YOU FAIL YOU SNIVELING CHILD COME CRAWLING BACK

I ALMOST HAVE YOU IN MY GRASP ONCE YOU SIGN THIS CONTRACT YOUR VULNERABLE SOUL WILL BE MINE DAMIEN

AND I WILL LICK THE TEARS OFF YOUR SOFT HUMAN FLESH I CAN TASTE IT ON MY TONGUE

He makes a bunch of gross slurping noises with his mouth.

DAMIEN PRAISE LUCIFER KING OF DARKNESS AND PRINCE OF ALL THAT IS EVIL BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

He runs off.

SCENE FOUR

Casey sits at a dimly candlelit restaurant table. She’s holding a small pink stone in her hand, fidgeting with it nervously. After a moment, Max hurries in, wearing the same white t-shirt and jeans.

MAX Casey?

CASEY That’s me. Mox.. Mo-ex? Max? Is that right?

MAX Yeah, you got it.

As they sit, Casey looks him up and down. He’s fine looking, I suppose.

MAX So whatcha got in your hand there?

CASEY Just a rose quartz. Helps me relax my nerves. It’s like an all-organic, all-natural fidget spinner.

MAX Have you tried just using horse tranquilizer?

CASEY Umm… No. I’m vegan. I don’t want to be injected with any horses.

A beat.

MAX …You look nice.

CASEY Thank you. You’re a bit underdressed. That, or I wasn’t invited to yet another photoshoot for The Gap.

MAX Glad you noticed. It’s actually a statement against the whole clothing industry, consumerism, the “expectations” to put on costumes to showcase our “identities.” It says, “We don’t need to be a part of your capitalist machine.”

CASEY Woah. I had no idea you were so intellectual.

MAX Yeah, I watch Rick and Morty. So. (loudly impersonating) “I’m Pickle Rick!”

CASEY So your bio said you were a freelance music producer. What’s that like?

MAX Well it’s a rush for sure. We’re trying to disrupt the market with new brand innovation, basically flipping the whole product on its head. Delivering smashes, not one-hits. No gimmicks. Reversing the corporate trend and diversifying the power to independent creatives with the power to metamorphosize the cow-tow pow-wow.

THE NARRATOR (popping head out) And this is something The Chainsmokers actually said--

MAX But pussy has always been number one.

CASEY Gosh. I haven’t heard someone use that many three syllable words in a long time.

MAX I did go to Stanford.

CASEY Oh! I’m a Princeton girl myself! Go Tigers!

MAX Thank god it’s so easy for white people to get into college. What about you? What do you do?

CASEY Well, I don’t like to limit myself to just one box. I’m an online influencer slash fitness guru slash nutrition expert slash internet-ainer slash one time Vine celebrity after I fell onto that fishtank.

MAX That was you?

CASEY Yup. I’ve always been really passionate about health, ever since in college when I learned eating salad during the week meant I could destroy my body with alcohol on weekends.

MAX Oh man, I’m all about taking care of my body. I put whey in literally everything.

Max dumps a little bit of white powder from his pocket into his water and drinks.

CASEY Yeah, you know, I just wanted to do something I cared about. I was a business major back in school, but I just didn’t want to get caught in the rat race.

MAX Your fraternity raced rats too?

CASEY What?

MAX I mean-- it’s fine-- nobody ate one.

The Waiter approaches the table.

WAITER I’ll be your server tonight, everyone else is on strike. Have you both decided on what you’d like?

CASEY I’ll have the Asian pecan salad, extra beets. Thank youuuuu.

MAX I’ll take the bison burger, medium-rare, raw onions, no bun, I’m on a cleanse, lettuce from a fresh head please, thinly sliced tomato, relish, a dash of vodka sauce, you know actually do the bun I’ll treat myself, and if you could just douse the whole thing in ketchup, that’d be great. Thank youuuu.

WAITER You’re a real special one, aren’t you?

The Waiter leaves. Casey’s impressed.

CASEY Very particular order.

MAX I know what I like.

He smiles flirtatiously. Casey’s phone buzzes on the table. She scrambles to grab it, but Max gets a good glimpse.

CASEY Sorry. Sorry.

MAX Got another Tinder date scheduled for later? It’s fine, I do too. But hey, try and have some fun now, right?

CASEY Um, no. You have another date later?

MAX No, uh--

CASEY Seriously? You can at least try and pretend like you want to get to know me.

MAX I do-- I mean, come on-- then who’s “Jason”?

CASEY Just… a guy.

MAX Sounds like a backup plan to me.

CASEY Not on the same night. I mean, that is just low. What happened to romance? Love stories like Romeo and Juliet, or Anastasia Steele and Christian Grey, but from Christian Grey’s perspective?

MAX No way. What’s the text? Let me see.

He snatches the phone out of her hand and reads.

MAX This is just eight “F”s and then a warthog emoji. Is that code for anal?

CASEY He’s still at a kindergarten reading level! He’s working on it!

MAX Ok, you know what? Cards on the table. We both have other options.

CASEY Fine. Sure.

MAX There’s a billion people on this thing I could be on a date with, but I’m choosing to spend my time here with you. Because I think you’re interesting. So, you’re welcome. And this guy Jason clearly isn’t doing it for you, because otherwise you wouldn’t be on this date. Maybe it’s his small dick, maybe it’s his debilitating alcohol and drug dependency, who knows. But all I’m saying is, this means something.

Casey slumps in her seat. She knows he’s right.

MAX Now come on, time to chow-chow.

CASEY Sure, just one second. Gotta use the ladies room and check my Instagram likes. If I don’t do it every sixteen minutes I will literally explode, hAhhaAhA.

She gets up and walks to the bathroom and looks at her phone.

CASEY Fuck. I lost a follower.

She takes out her rose quartz. She holds it tight to her chest. Breathe in, breathe out.

CASEY Maybe it’s time to settle. Be more realistic. Do something responsible for once.

She walks back to the table confidently.

CASEY Wanna go make out in the bathroom?

Max gets up immediately.

“SOMETHING JUST LIKE THIS”

CASEY I've been reading books of old The legends and the myths Achilles and his gold Hercules and his gifts Spiderman's control And Batman with his fists And clearly I don't see myself upon that list

MAX She said "Where'd you wanna go? How much you wanna risk? I'm not looking for somebody With some superhuman gifts Some superhero Some fairytale bliss Just something I can turn to Somebody I can kiss”

CASEY I want something just like this Doo-doo-doo, doo-doo-doo Doo-doo-doo, doo-doo Doo-doo-doo, doo-doo-doo

MAX Oh I want something just like this Doo-doo-doo, doo-doo-doo Doo-doo-doo, doo-doo Doo-doo-doo, doo-doo-doo

They begin violently making out.

CASEY & MAX Oh I want something just like this I want something just like this

CASEY I've been reading books of old The legends and the myths The testaments they told The moon and its eclipse And Superman unrolls A suit before he lifts But I'm not the kind of person that it fits

CASEY & MAX I want something just like this I want something just like this Oh I want something just like this Oh I want something just like this Oh I want something just like this Oh I want something just like this

They exit together.

SCENE FIVE

The Narrator struts out on stage.

THE NARRATOR As long as idealistic notions are put to the side These two worldviews can bridge the divide Much like the protagonists of my Shakespeare-inspired album, Solis and Luna. Get it? Solis and Luna. It’s like the sun and the moon. But all latin-y. Do you guys get it? And the setting where my album takes place is Anorev, which is Verona spelled backwards. Verona. Like, Romeo and Juliet. Do you get it? Ok, let me explain.

She pulls out a Venn diagram. One circle reads “Romeo & Juliet.” Another one reads, “Modern Day,” and another one reads, “Sun & Moon.” The intersection is “hopeless fountain kingdom.”

My latest album, hopeless fountain kingdom, is an intersection of these three groups. Romeo & Juliet because it is a love story. Obviously. Every love story is a Romeo & Juliet story, except Bonnie & Clyde. That is a Bonnie & Clyde story. That’s really a whole other thing though. Sun & Moon because I have lived during the daytime, and nighttime. So it’s very personal to me. And Modern Day because I used a random word generator on my computer to make the title. So you see, I’m the first person to make a Romeo & Juliet story modern. Get it?

Back to our story about Max and Casey, another Romeo & Juliet story, one might say.

Unfortunately, modern romance can’t exist Without a boatload of unnecessary drama Sadly, nobody likes attention more than The members of the New Americana.

The Narrator exits. We are in the apartment-- Priscilla is at the apartment table hard at work with a stack load of papers. Casey enters, wearing the same dress as her date.

CASEY Priscilla, I’m home!

PRISCILLA You left?

CASEY I’ve been gone for two weeks, silly!

PRISCILLA I hadn’t noticed... I’ve been busy trying to find the Higgs Boson after they lost it again. Oh no, did I forget to eat? You need to be around to remind me when to eat.

CASEY What are you talking about? You look great.

PRISCILLA If you do not stay here and slow my brain growth… then it is humanity who will suffer the consequences.

CASEY Hey Prissy… Notice anything different about me?

PRISCILLA Besides the rapid aging of your cells, no.

CASEY Exactly! It’s the same dress-- I’ve been sleeping over at his place every night! I haven’t taken a shower in fourteen days!

PRISCILLA So you’re having intercorse with a new male.

CASEY Yup. Max.

PRISCILLA (strained sarcasm) That is good for you.

CASEY He’s such an artist-- he’s ambitious, smart, says whatever’s on his mind, no matter how problematic. He’s so evolved.

PRISCILLA He is? I believe I am evolving as well-- I recently discovered how to move objects with my mind. Maybe I can meet this new species?

CASEY Come out with us tonight! We’re going to the new club downtown that was built over that burned down orphanage.

Casey sits down at the table and tenderly holds Priscilla’s hand.

PRISCILLA Oh. Human contact. How novel.

CASEY Priscilla, if you come tonight, promise me you won’t say anything. About…. My Secret.

PRISCILLA I don’t interest myself in such trivialities.

CASEY Thank you. It’s just that, if Max knew about My Secret, then he might not want to see me anymore. I want to be more serious, but oh god, can I trust him? Trust him with My Secret? God, if I didn’t have this terrible Secret! Then everything would be perfect! But alas, this Secret! It may be my very undoing! Woe, woe is me!

PRISCILLA Alright then.

CASEY Thank you Priscilla, my only Secret Keeper. Secret, Secret, Secret. Gosh talking about My Secret has really got me worked up. I’d better do some pushups before we head out, can you take a Boomerang for my channel?

Casey gets on the floor and Priscilla uses her phone to film. She is very bad at pushups.

SCENE SIX

The club. It could be the same club, or a different one. Doesn’t really matter. They all look the same. Max and Damien wait at the bar as Casey and Priscilla approach.

CASEY Max!

MAX Casey!

They hug.

MAX This is my partner Damien. Not like, gay partner though. Just to be clear. We’ve only touched dicks once, and we were just comparing sizes. I only got hard so my dick could be bigger.

CASEY Sounds normal to me!

DAMIEN Casey, Max has told me ssssss-so much about you. You want to be healthy? Beautiful? I can make you live forever, if you pay the right price.

CASEY No thanks, I’ve already tried Weight Watchers. This is my roommate Priscilla.

PRISCILLA Hello. A pleasure to have a visual representation of you stored in my short-term memory. Though it appears from a quick retinal scan you’re of the Homo Sapien species.

MAX I prefer Hetero Sapien, but yeah sure whatever.

PRISCILLA Well this is quite the disappointment. I suppose I am still companionless in this mortal world then.

MAX Man, that sucks. Being alone with your thoughts is the most unbearable punishment I can imagine. That’s why I have Casey here.

PRISCILLA Furthermore, are you aware that this being here is of supernatural demonic origin?

Damien freezes. His cover’s blown.

MAX Yeah, he’s a supernatural pussy demon! Up top, bro!

They high five or bro handshake or whatever. The tension is defused.

PRISCILLA This is a waste of my time. I’m going to go check the floor for bacteria samples.

Priscilla gets on the ground by the dance floor and begins scraping.

MAX (to Damien) Dude, you gotta slam that.

CASEY No can do Maxxie. She’s asexual.

MAX So that explains why she wasn’t hitting on me. You ok, man? You look super spazzed.

DAMIEN I’m fine. Uh, fine. I’ll be on the dancefloor looking for other humans to consume.

He walks off and goes to talk to a group of women.

MAX What a horndog.

CASEY It’s so good to finally be meeting your friends. Damien seems great! So dark and mysterious.

MAX Yeah, your friend seems…. Uh… Detached. Maybe we can spend tonight at your place. My bedframe could use a break. Get it? From all the sex.

CASEY Oh… I don’t know…. It’s such a mess.

MAX More than my place? Damien’s room is literally filled with thousands and thousands of maggots.

CASEY No… errr...

Casey holds her head and winces.

CASEY Ugh. I have a pounding headache all of a sudden. Sorry, this never happens.

MAX Wanna jerk off in the bathroom? That usually does the trick for me.

CASEY Do you think there’s a Jamba Juice still open? If I had a smoothie maybe I could ummm, focus more.

MAX I don’t think a Jamba Juice has been open since 2013.

CASEY What about, like, an organic farmer’s market? There must be one nearby. It’s technically Sunday morning, right?

MAX Casey, are you ok?

CASEY I’m fine. I just need to sit down for a sec.

She sits on a barstool. Next to her turns around Jason, slack jawed and drooling slightly. Oh god.

JASON Casey?

CASEY Jason?-- Oh-- Umm, good to, uh---- This is my friend Max--- Max, uh--- Did it suddenly get hot in here?---

MAX Jason. I remember-- from our date.

JASON Our date…

MAX So you’ve been on dates, have you?

CASEY Max-- I don’t even know what he’s talking about. We’ve never even been on a date-- he’s been playing hard to get for months!

JASON Casey… friend?

MAX Hey buddy, she’s mine!

He punches Jason across the face. Jason’s down on the floor in an instant.

CASEY Oh Max! You critically injured a legally comatose drug addict in my honor! You do care!

MAX This isn’t how I wanted to ask, but, there’s never going to be a perfect time. Do you want to be exclusive?

CASEY Oh Max, of course I do!

MAX Casey, are you OK? You’re shaking.

CASEY No. Max, I need to tell you something important. But we need to go to my place. Now.

MAX Woah, sex already? Sick. But I was supposed to wingman for Damien. Damien, you good, man?

Damien returns with a mouth covered in blood.

DAMIEN All good, buddy!

CASEY Prissy, I need to go. It’s an emergency.

PRISCILLA I don’t care.

CASEY Hurry. There’s not much time.

She grabs his hand and they run out together.

SCENE SEVEN

The apartment. Casey rushes in and begins desperately searching her cabinets.

CASEY Oh god, where is it? Where is it?

MAX Casey, what’s wrong?

CASEY It’s what I have to show you--- It’s so embarrassing-- Please try and let me explain-- I have a problem… I’m addicted…

MAX To what? Utopium? Soma? Melange? I’m on all of them right now and I’m fine! They’re less harmful than alcohol, actually. Seriously. Alcohol is kind of bad for you. Look it up. They’ve done studies.

CASEY No… Not even close.

She pulls up a huge bag of beets onto the table.

MAX Are those… ?

CASEY Beets. I’m addicted to beets.

MAX ……… Oh….

CASEY Yes, I know. It’s a weird thing, unique to only just me. I was self-diagnosed on Web MD when I was 19. I have EDM-- Eating Disorderal Manganese Syndrome. The beetroot is full of manganese, and without it I’ll suffer withdrawal, break out in hives, and have a slightly lower metabolism rate. I need it to survive.

MAX Casey, this can’t be good for you.

CASEY Of course I know that. I’ve had Sick Beets, and Healthy Beets. Strong Beets and Weak Beets. I’ve been On Beets, and I’ve been Off Beets. But before long, I’m always On Beet again. I’ve had Beets With a Drop, and Beets Without One…. Not a single drop of water! I just scarfed them all down, at least twenty Beets Per Minute. Don’t you understand? It’s ruining my life. I have to stop everything I’m doing just to Beet One Out. I can’t Miss a Beet, no matter how much I want to. If I could Skip a Beet-- if there was some sort of magical medicine I could take to make it all go away, a Beets Pill? I would gladly take it. But I can’t.

MAX God. So you’ve been Beeting Around The Bush this whole time?

CASEY Yes… None of my fans know… Not even Billy Bush. I know my health career is making my addiction worse. But there’s nothing I can do.

MAX You can stop. You can go to a recovery center. I used to be a doctor, basically, and if you have too much manganese, you can get severe neurological damage.

CASEY You dope thing I know thaff!

Her arm jolts, knocking over a lamp. Her eye is twitching.

CASEY I’m sorry you had to see me like this.

MAX Don’t be sorry. It’s just another thing that makes you special. And we’ll fight this, together.

CASEY Good. Because I don’t know if I can do this alone.

The music kicks up.

“DON’T LET ME DOWN”

CASEY Crashing, hit a wall Right now I need a miracle Hurry up now, I need a miracle

CASEY Stranded, reaching out

I call your name but you're not around I say your name but you're not around

I need you, I need you, I need you right now Yeah, I need you right now So don't let me, don't let me, don't let me down I think I'm losing my mind now It's in my head, darling I hope That you'll be here, when I need you the most So don't let me, don't let me, don't let me down D-Don't let me down Don't let me down

Don't let me down, down, down Don't let me down Don't let me down, down, down

The song finishes. Max holds Casey’s head in his arms.

MAX We’re gonna get you the help you need. I promise.

SCENE EIGHT

The Narrator steps out on stage.

THE NARRATOR Love is like a certain red fruit, bittersweet Much easier when you’re Moving to the Beet Pinning your hopes on a guy you just met A decision she may or may not soon regret

Something I know all about. Because me, Halsey, is actually pretty Bad at Love. Like my hit song. Bad at Love. Do you get it?

My love is trapped so far from me My Romeo’s in Dunkirk all the way across the sea I write to him on Tumblr every day And for his safety and good fortune I pray

Harry Styles… the love of my life. Sure, G-Eazy is fine. But G-Eazy is more of a Clyde… and Harry Styles is a Romeo. Do you get it? I’m sorry if these literary references are going over your head. But it’s who I am. Since I joined Tumblr, on him I’ve had my eye We’re both woke, refined, and sexually bi (woot, woot) Writing a song about him is how I got famous One Direction is why you know what my name is Oh, Harry, when will you come home? You’ve left me here with these idiots all alone.

The lights come up on a rehab center-- sterile and plain. Casey, with short blonde hair, sits on a plastic chair. The Nurse leads Max, with a bouquet of flowers, to Casey.

NURSE Ms. Smoke? You have a visitor.

MAX Casey… Oh my god… what happened to your hair?

CASEY All the red color and the length comes from manganese. Without it, well, this is what I naturally look like. What do you think?

MAX (pained) You look… so cute. I love the natural look. Definitely not like a jank Tilda Swinton.

CASEY (relieved) Thank goodness.

MAX But like… you can dye it when you get out, right?

CASEY Yeah. Uh. Of course. Are these flowers for me?

MAX Roses. I know they don’t allow sharp quartz in here, but I thought this would be the next best thing. Or, at least I think they’re roses. I don’t really know, tbh. Flowers confuse me simple boy brain.

He hands her the flowers. They are definitely not roses.

CASEY They’re beautiful.

MAX They’d better be. I blew my advance on tomorrow’s big show on them.

CASEY You have a show!!-- Wait, no. Max! You shouldn’t be wasting your money on me.

MAX Well I want you to get better. Your liquidated Flüd savings are almost out.

CASEY I know. But I can’t ask my parents for money. They haven’t spoken to me in years. And I texted Priscilla, but she’s been meditating for the past three weeks and it’s like I’m not going to double text, God. I knew I shouldn’t have left her alone. She needs me.

MAX You’re the one who needs help. You’re allowed to be selfish. Just this once.

Jason wanders from the side. He looks completely lost.

CASEY Jason? How did you find me?

MAX This guy again. Want me to take care of him?

CASEY Wait, stop-- He’s trying to say something.

JASON Casey….. B-Bye-bye.

CASEY You came to say goodbye? Jason.... Of course. Closure is the most important thing.

MAX So true. I never said goodbye to my dad when he died, and that inherited trauma affects every aspect of my life. Sups tragic.

JASON Jason hungry.

CASEY Jason, please. Just let me say what I need to say. I cared for you once… But we just drifted apart. I don’t know why. Who’s to say. Maybe I just got hotter? I’m sorry I didn’t give you the conclusion to our relationship you obviously needed to move on. Let’s have one more kiss, for old time’s sake.

He slobbers his tongue all over her face. Max just watches.

NURSE Ma’am, that’s a drug rehabilitation patient. Please.

The Nurse leads him away.

CASEY Oh god, first Priscilla, and now Jason? My Secret has caused so much pain… Everyone I love gets caught in the crossfire. Are you next?

MAX Of course not. And I’m not leaving.

CASEY Maybe you should. Why even bother staying? I’m a failure. I’ve wasted so much time… my fans, if I have any left, are being led astray by that bitch Bella Hadid as we speak.

MAX So you’ll get them back! If you get up and start working out--

CASEY It’s too late. I’ve already gained five pounds from lack of manganese. It’s social media suicide. I can’t go back. I can’t, I can’t ever--

MAX Casey. Stop. Wasted time? Too late? Giving up on your dreams? You sound like a Baby Boomer. We’re going to live forever. We’re going to be amazing and successful and everybody is going to love us and like all our Instagrams. The world owes you. There’s nobody like you-- nobody. You’re special. I believe in you-- I love you-- Because you’re special.

CASEY I love you too. And I know you’ll never let me down.

Max gives Casey the bouquet of non-roses. They embrace.

SCENE NINE

Priscilla sits, meditating in a cave. After a few moments, she awakens and turns behind her.

PRISCILLA Casey? … Oh. No, I suppose the likelihood of you finding me here is mathematically irrelevant. … My intelligence has rapidly metastasized. I’ve completed the Eightfold Path to Nirvana. I can feel myself about to leave this plane of existence. And yet… something is holding me back. … No, no, no! This is trivial. Banal, human, concerns. I am not like you, you people with your “feelings,” your petty triflings, your romances, your fights and smoothies and board games and polaroids and cooking classes. I focus on myself, I don’t need anyone. I heard you once call it “self-care.” I understand that is true. I care only for myself. Because I am SPECIAL. I am a HIGHER BEING. I am a GODDESS. … But I suppose, it would be nice to ascend to a higher plane with someone else.

“UNTIL YOU WERE GONE”

PRISCILLA (dead monotone) Thought that I'd be better off If I were on my own I tried to put my finger On the moment we were wrong

But the taste turned bitter So I pulled the trigger Not so easy to move on I guess I should have known

Ice cold, I freeze up when I see ya Left you just to find out that I need ya So far, I wanna pull you closer I wish we could start the whole thing over

Ever since I left you I've been trying to get you back And it keeps getting worse I'm burning on the inside And the truth is that I didn't know how good you were

PRISCILLA Until you were gone Until you were gone Until you were gone Until you were gone

Priscilla finishes. Considers. Decides.

PRISCILLA Casey, thank you for attempting to limit my brain growth through tequila shots and electronic pop music, but it is time for me to move on to the next phase of my evolution. Don’t cry for me, because human emotions are meaningless and it would be a waste of your productive time. Maybe try solving the Middle East conflict instead. I hope you do something that makes your speck of existence meaningful, at least to yourself, before everything we’ve ever done is destroyed by the sun’s explosion. Obviously. Goodbye, roommate.

She ascends.

SCENE TEN

Out of the darkness, laser beams radiate out. A DJ booth is illuminated with neon light. Max and Damien are deep in concentration spinning their tracks. The music builds.

MAX Hey what’s up party people!

DAMIEN We are MD!

MAX The hottest DJs this side of the BEAST coast! So now… it’s time… to get… hype!!! Everyone at Evan’s Bar Mitzvah on the floor!

Bar mitzvah guests swarm the floor and start awkwardly dancing. The Narrator comes out decked out in bar mitzvah party favors and hypes everyone up.

“SPLIT”

THE NARRATOR Move the crowd when the beat goes down I rock the stage, they all know my sound I rock the stage, they all know my sound

Move the crowd when the beat goes down I rock the stage, they all know my sound

The music fades and The Narrator takes her bow and exits.

MAX Thank you, we have been MD-- the doctors of getting your dick hard!

DAMIEN And if you enjoyed our set, please meet me in the bathroom for some quick feedback hours! Wooooo! Jew parties! Nobody’s baptized!

Max and Damien get off the stage, Damien excitedly skips off to the bathroom like a giddy school child. Max sighs, exhausted, and moves to the bar.

MAX One virgin shirley temple please.

As he waits for his drink, Rilton, dressed in ratty and hole-filled clothing, turns around at the bar.

RILTON Wild drink choice, man. Staying sober at a bar mitzvah? You’re a brave soul.

MAX I don’t drink actually. Alcohol’s super bad for you, seriously. They’ve done studies.

RILTON So, play these kinds of shindigs often?

MAX Yeah. Here and there. If our moms are friends.

RILTON So you’ve never played any festivals? Burning Man? Circuses?

MAX Festivals? Not really… Only Gov Ball. But that doesn’t count, because...

MAX & RILTON That’s a festival for high schoolers and Vampire Weekend fans.

MAX Jinx! You owe me a soda.

The Waiter hands him a shirley temple.

RILTON There you go, man.

MAX This doesn’t count. It’s an open bar.

RILTON How about I make it up to you another way… would you be interested in opening for Calvin Harris’ European Tour?

MAX What?

Rilton hands him her business card.

RILTON Rilton Decker, electronic music manager. I know, women can be managers now? But trust me, I’m totally One of the Guys. You’ll barely even notice I bleed. I also have my Afro-Pop beat poetry collective business card if that’s more your speed.

She hands him another business card.

MAX You’re a manager? I thought you were a hobo. Sorry, wait I’m not supposed to say that. I thought you were a dirty ugly homeless person.

RILTON Bro, I’m the best in the biz. Just kidding-- I’m very bad at my job. But I’m repping Calvin Harris’ tour just to make some money before my Afro-Pop beat poetry collective hits the mainstream. Any day now.

MAX So you, like, know Calvin Harris?

RILTON Oh, I know him better than anyone. That’s the thing about chill girls. People tell us everything. I’m the only one who knows he didn’t actually date Taylor Swift-- it was just a lamp in a Game of Thrones wig! But don’t tell anyone I told you.

MAX Wow. Calvin Harris. He’s like, been my idol ever since you said you represented him two minutes ago.

RILTON Well, he’s headed to Europe after his music was banned in all fifty US states, and I think you’d be the perfect opener. I’m just loving your whole chi.

MAX Oh my god, wow! This is everything I’ve ever wanted-- Suck my dick, losers! I’m gonna be happy forever! I can’t wait to tell Damien about this.

RILTON Oh… Man, this is a bummer. But Max, bro, I only want you. Calvin gets easily frightened when there’s too many people near him, and I can tell Damien doesn’t have what it takes. He’s… pardon my french… Il n'essaie pas, or… phoning it in.

MAX But we’re a pair. We go together, like molly and percocet.

RILTON Man, I get it. I had a twin once, and we did everything together until I ate him in the womb. But business is business. Sometimes it’s just how the all-organic croissant crumbles.

Rilton takes out a contract and a pen.

RILTON Just put your ol’ signaturette right here and you’re good to go.

MAX I don’t know if I can do it alone.

RILTON Max. I can tell you’re special. You’re an artist. You’re a maverick. You’re a Millennial. You don’t need anyone else.

Max pauses for one last moment, then signs.

RILTON You won’t regret this. Or maybe you will. Feel whatever you want, man. That’s what new masculinity is all about. And I would know, because I’m One of the Guys.

Damien enters nonchalantly, wiping his bloody mouth on his sleeve.

DAMIEN Just finished up… grabbing a bite to eat. Whatcha got there? Evan’s haftorah portion?

MAX Damien… it’s a contract. A signed contract. Rilton here is a manager, and I just signed up to open for Calvin Harris’ European Tour. Alone. I’m sorry.

Damien is frozen for a second, attempting to process Max’s words. Checking if he heard him right. Dark clouds swirl from overhead. Then, he snaps.

DAMIEN YOU INSOLENT FOOL AFTER SO MANY YEARS OF PLOTTING PLANNING AND WAITING YOU SIGN YOUR LIFE AWAY FOR MERE TRINKETS AND TOYS?

MAX I really like Calvin Harris! I’m sorry, man! We can still be Facebook friends!

DAMIEN THE HOURS I’VE WASTED LISTENING TO YOU PRATTLE ON ABOUT DISRUPTION AND INNOVATION AND MARKET FLIPS THESE MEANINGLESS POISON WORDS THE NEVERENDING TORTURE YOU’VE PUT ME THROUGH

ONCE YOUR PATHETIC LIFE HAS ENDED I SHALL DRAG YOUR SOUL TO THE DEEPEST DEPTHS OF HADES TO SPEND YOUR ETERNITY IN ENDLESS TORTURE AND MISERY YOU WILL BEG FOR MERCY AND I WILL LAUGH IN DELIGHT GOODBYE MAXWELL I’LL SEE YOU SOON ENOUGH

Damien disappears.

MAX Market flips are actually super important! So. Yeah. Fuck off!

SCENE ELEVEN

The Narrator emerges.

THE NARRATOR God Taylor Swift is the worst. Stay away from Harry, bitch! Ahem… Sorry. Old habits die hard. I really hate Taylor Swift, you can look that up.

To get to the top requires sacrifice Including a friend, double-crossed The boy is young, he doesn’t know yet Everything has an opportunity cost I thought rearranging my name from Ashley to Halsey Would make my life breezy But the only thing that’s led to Is me dating Gerald Eazy

I used to be a fifteen year old girl Now look at me! A twenty three year old girl! The voice of my generation! Ugh, so much pressure! You like, have no idea.

The Narrator exits. Casey sits upon a chair in the rehab center and looks up at the stars out her window.

“KANYE (CASEY’S REPRISE)”

CASEY I wanna be like Kanye I'll be the King of me always Do what I want and have it my way All day, like Kanye-eah, yeah, yeah

As the song ends, Max enters haphazardly through the window, scaring the shit out of Casey.

MAX Casey?

CASEY Max? It’s 1 A.M. You should be out pregaming right now. What are you doing here?

MAX How would you feel if I said we could get out of here?

CASEY But I’m not done with my program for another three weeks. I’m still on manganese patches.

She displays a small white patch on her arm.

MAX So you’re basically done! Great! Grab as many of those patches as you can and pack up your stuff.

CASEY Max-- Wait-- What is this about? Are you in trouble or something?

MAX No. I have great news. I’m going on tour. Five months, and I’m leaving tomorrow for France. And I want you to come with me.

CASEY Oh my god! Max! Congratulations!... But I can’t go. I’m not done with my program. I’m sure Damien can keep you company on the road.

MAX Damien quit. It’s just me.

CASEY Oh. I’m sorry.

MAX Don’t be. He was dead weight. Literally, I don’t think he had a pulse.

CASEY Priscilla’s gone too... I had a dream where she told me she was moving to Colorado because the mountains were better to feel closer to a higher power. Yeah, that’s right. My dreams are actually super interesting.

MAX So you’re here… alone? Nobody else? You can’t recover from an addiction all by yourself, everyone knows that! It’ll be better for you if you come with me. So I can supervise.

CASEY But what about my career? My SoulCycle, my kitchen, it’s all here in New York.

MAX What do you think is going to look better? An Instagram of a smoothie in New York? Or an Instagram of a smoothie with the Eiffel Tower in the background?

CASEY I do like Instagrams of smoothies...

MAX Casey, you don’t belong here. When you dreamed of your future, did you want to be an addict in rehab? Or did you want to be touring around with a famous DJ you have the honor of fucking?

CASEY I don’t know… I just want to be happy.

MAX Happy? Happy?

The Narrator pops her head out.

THE NARRATOR The following monologue is an actual thing the Chainsmokers tweeted.

MAX Wanna know the fucking truth? Nobody is fucking happy. Nobody has skin made from oil paint and sunlight. Nobody fucking understands this world. Fuck, nobody probably understands math as much as they claim. You’re here one day and the next you’re not. God? Religion? I’ve learned a lot more about the world by eating acid and swallowing pills. Tell me what your church as done for you? Tell me if you have holes in your mouth from speaking lies? Wanna know the fucking truth? Pity is just another word for pathetic. Drink beer and watch the sunrise from every rooftop. Take photographs naked. Take photographs kissing. Take photographs having sex. Stop making everything about sexuality. Wanna know the fucking truth? Nobody really gives a damn if you lost your virginity at fourteen or if you were the president in high school. Wanna know the fucking truth? There is no such thing as the right person. People leave. They change like ocean currents, they leave you with bruises in your calves and you wanna know the fucking truth? You get better. You learn to love. You find God in between the cracks of a wall when you’re puking your limbs out. You wanna know the fucking truth? Go and find it.

CASEY Wow, that was beautiful. … Ok, ok, ok. Give me one second. One second.

She pulls out her phone and dials. Her adorable parents, Mr. and Mrs. Smoke pick up.

MRS. SMOKE Honeybear! So good to hear from you! How’s the Big Apple?

MR. SMOKE Sweetiekins! We love seeing your videos on the Internet! Are you still seeing that nice boy Jason? He seemed like a really handsome young gentleman.

CASEY I just wanted to say SCREW YOU YOU OLD WITHERED PIECES OF DOO-DOO! I’M OFF TO EUROPE WITH THE NEW GUY I HAVE THE HONOR OF FUCKING! SUCK MY TITS, EAT A CLIT, LOSERS!

MR. SMOKE Well if that’s how you feel, then who are we to tell you to think differently?

MRS. SMOKE As long as you’re happy, baby boo.

CASEY UGH, WHY ARE YOU LITERALLY THE WORST? BYE FOREVER!

MRS. SMOKE Huggies and kissies, snuggums!

Casey hangs up.

CASEY God, my mom and dad will never understand me. Now come on, let’s blow this joint.

They haphazardly pack up their bags, dumping clothes and patches in as the music starts. As they wheel their bags across the stage, they are transported to Paris, France. A beautiful view of the Eiffel Tower in the background.

“PARIS”

MAX We were staying in Paris To get away from your parents And I thought, "Wow, if I could take this in a shot right now I don't think that we could work this out."

MAX Out on the terrace I don't know if it's fair but I thought, "How could I let you fall by yourself While I'm wasted with someone else?"

MAX & CASEY If we go down then we go down together They'll say you could do anything They'll say that I was clever If we go down then we go down together We'll get away with everything Let's show them we are better Let's show them we are better Let's show them we are better

MAX We were staying in Paris To get away from your parents You look so proud standing there with a frown and a cigarette Posting pictures of yourself on the Internet

Out on the terrace We breathe in the air of this small town On our own cuttin' class for the thrill of it Getting drunk on the past we were livin' in

Let's show them we are Show them we are Show them we are Show them we are Let's show them we are better

They chug a bottle of French wine. It’s disgusting.

SCENE TWELVE

Backstage at a show. Casey waits on a couch, surrounded by DJ equipment and silver cans of Red Bull. Offstage, Max finishes up his set.

MAX Thank you, France! And now please welcome to the stage, the one, the only Calvin Harris!

The audience roars with applause. Max enters, sweaty and dressed in an exorbitant amount of neon clothes and rave face paint, followed by Rilton.

RILTON Great show, man! I haven’t been this excited since the last Lumineers album came out on vinyl.

CASEY Yeah, great show Max.

She gives him a hug. Then, pauses.

CASEY Why are you dressed like LMFAO jizzed on you?

MAX It’s my new look. Rilton said it would help.

CASEY I thought you didn’t do gimmicks?

MAX It’s not a gimmick. It’s an extension of my truer self. I’m taking all the feelings I have on the inside and bringing them to the outside.

RILTON Our culture is such poison, man. Trying to keep us all in suits in our subways and our driveways and our highways. What ever happened to MY ways?

MAX Capitalism sucks.

RILTON Capitalism sucks.

MAX No, no, no, capitalism sucks.

RILTON Yeah, capitalism sucks.

MAX Capitalism sucks.

RILTON Capitalism? Capitalism sucks.

MAX Capitalism sucks.

RILTON Capitalism sucks.

MAX Capitalism sucks.

RILTON Capitalism sucks.

MAX Capitalism sucks.

RILTON Capitalism sucks.

MAX Capitalism sucks.

RILTON Capitalism sucks.

MAX Capitalism sucks.

RILTON Capitalism sucks.

MAX Capitalism sucks.

RILTON Capitalism sucks.

MAX Capitalism sucks.

RILTON Capitalism sucks.

MAX Yeah. It really does.

RILTON Speaking of which, I’ll be right back. Gotta go do a quick interview with the press. By the way, your religion is the Coexist bumper sticker now, if anyone asks.

MAX Sounds good! Catch you on the flip.

Rilton exits.

CASEY Wow, this international tour has been wild.

Max notices Casey rubbing her arm nervously.

MAX Babe, is something wrong?

CASEY No. It’s nothing. Just feeling a bit… antsy. Probably just the water here. It’s too clean. It’s disgusting. I can’t find Flüd anywhere.

MAX I’m sorry. Do you wanna listen to “All the Small Things?” I know drunkenly singing it on an elevated surface makes you feel better.

CASEY No, no. I’ll meet you back at the hotel. I’m gonna go to whatever the French version of a 7-11 is and buy a lighter. I just want to hold my hand above it so I can feel my skin burn.

She leaves, arms crossed.

MAX Women… what are they thinking?

Rilton enters from the other door, holding Jackie, a lamp with a blonde wig taped on.

RILTON Look who’s here! Max, I don’t think you’ve had the pleasure of meeting Calvin Harris’ new girlfriend. This is Jackie.

Time stops. A spotlight hits Jackie, illuminating her perfect curves, her thin waist, her blank emotionless face. “Close to You” by the Carpenters plays in Max’s mind. After a moment, time restarts.

RILTON Man, you’re gonna love her. I know she’s hot, super hot actually (ouch), but she’s actually really chill. She’s One Of The Guys, just like me.

MAX Jackie… a pleasure to make your acquaintance.

He kisses her delicately on the cord. She doesn’t do anything. Because, you know, she’s an inanimate object.

RILTON Don’t be intimidated. She’s a strong woman with power coursing through her. You can wait here for Calvin, dude. I’ll go distract the press with some of my homemade haikus so we can get out of here.

He rushes off, leaving Max and Jackie alone. There’s tension in the air.

MAX So… how did you and Calvin meet? … If you don’t want to talk about it, I understand. I have a girlfriend. … Sorry, did I say something? If you just want me to go just let me know. … So you don’t want me to go…

SCENE THIRTEEN

The Narrator enters.

THE NARRATOR Meanwhile, in hell... No, I don’t mean backstage at a Calvin Harris concert. Actually… You know what, just here:

The Narrator exits. Damien stands over the pit of hell, commanding his demons.

DAMIEN You! More salt! His back should be stinging raw after it’s been whipped. You! Less salt! That penis soup is going to taste terrible. You! Just the right amount of Salt! I love that Angelina Jolie movie!

What’s happening with me? I’m trying to do my job but I can’t stop… No… Thinking about… That idiot...

He thinks he can just leave me here to rot… The fool… All I want is for us to be together… And yet he chooses Calvin Harris over me.

Nobody understands me.

“SICK BOY”

DAMIEN I’m from the East Side of America Where they choose pride over character---

The Narrator steps out. The music cuts out.

THE NARRATOR Stop, no, we’re not doing this.

DAMIEN What?

THE NARRATOR We are playing all The Chainsmokers’ greatest hits but even we have limits. We’re not doing Sick Boy. That song is truly garbage.

DAMIEN Nooooooo. Pleaseeeeeeee?

THE NARRATOR Also, you are a terrible singer. Like god. And I thought The Chainsmokers were bad.

DAMIEN So what do you want me to do?

THE NARRATOR Just do Roses or some bullshit. Anything but Sick Boy.

DAMIEN Fine. Fine. But I’m a DJ. And that means we’re doing it remixed, bitches.

“ROSES” (DAMIEN’S REMIX)

DAMIEN Taking it slow, it’ll be biblical I want to roast you, burn you with fire Pelt you with stones, break your brittle bones Turn your dick to ice, wrap it in barbed wire

One thousand bee stings, you’ll be my plaything It could be beautiful Turn you to an empty shell, I'll take you down to hell You’ll scream to let me go

Deep in a pit, I can roast you Turn your insides to fondue, Your skin is what I’ll flay You’ll spend the night meeting your doom Smoked a little rare in a dark tomb, Your skin is what I’ll flay You’ll scream to let me go You’ll scream to let me go

He gets a bit too into it. He stops and clears his throat.

DAMIEN If I can’t have you, I’ll make you suffer as much as I have… BWAHAHAHA.

He sweeps away.

SCENE FOURTEEN

The Narrator walks out on stage.

THE NARRATOR There’s nothing like summer in the city Someone made of plastic meets someone looking shitty You’re a nice guy and you try to do right You wear fake glasses, you’re 20/20 on hindsight

You say if you go down, you’ll go down together But why act like an adult when you’ll be young forever? What you don’t realize, it’s sad but it’s true When you walk into the club, everybody hates you.

The Narrator exits. We are in an French club-- remarkably similar to an American club but with more of an Edith Piaf vibe. At the bar, Casey and Max watch the people dancing.

CASEY Ugh, I hate how you can smoke anywhere here. Cigarettes are so repulsive. Absolutely disgusting. I have never smoked a day in my life except for when I smoke juuls, vapes, spliffs, e-cigs, essential oils, hookahs, bongs, tea, bowls, joints, pens, and cigarettes but only when I’m like, super stressed. Or drunk.

She turns to see Max is about to smoke a cigarette.

CASEY Max!

MAX What? It’s not even as harmful as alcohol. Seriously. Look it up. They’ve done studies.

CASEY What kinds of studies?

MAX STUDIES.

CASEY (frustrated) Been to France one time and you’re Parisian.

Max puts the cigarette away sheepishly.

MAX Sorry.

CASEY I am getting in such bad shape. I can’t find a Pure Barre anywhere in this stupid city.

MAX Hey. I know it’s been tough. I’m sorry the tour has been so hectic. But we’re going to London next. Maybe somebody there will speak English?

CASEY It’s not just that… I miss Priscilla. I haven’t had anyone to talk to besides you and Rilton. Why aren’t there any girls around? I feel like I’m at a Diplo concert.

MAX Rilton’s a girl.

CASEY No she’s not. She’s One of the Guys.

MAX Well, I’ll check if we can get some other girls.

CASEY Thank you.

MAX Too bad women can’t DJ. Their ovulation cycle messes up the beat.

Rilton, arm around Jackie, enters the club. She waves to Max.

RILTON Max! Hey, man! Heard you were here. Calvin was with us but he got distracted outside by a streetlight he thought was Rita Ora. But Jackie here wanted to check out the city. Really get to know the culture.

CASEY Sorry, I don’t think we’ve met. I’m Casey.

Casey sticks out her hand, Jackie doesn’t take it (because she’s not alive.) Rude.

CASEY Max, you didn’t tell me Calvin was dating anyone.

MAX Oh---Um, I wasn’t sure she was sticking around. You know, the club scene here is pretty rough. She seems kinda fragile.

RILTON Watt, watt? Of course she’s sticking around. She’s the freaking best. Calvin is obsessed with her-- she really turns him on.

CASEY Mm-hmmm. Well, it’s such a pleasure to have you around. You’re so skinny. Like wow, you are crazy skinny. Are you doing keto or something? We have to chat.

From behind the bar, The Waiter pops up. She hands out a plate of reddish-purple drinks to the groups.

WAITER Free round of drinks, our very best On the house for our special guests.

MAX Schweet!

CASEY Sorry, is there any bread or pasta in this? I’m going gluten free.

WAITER No, just vodka, rum Schnapps to make it sweet Tonic, lemons, limes And juice of the delicious beet. I’ll leave you to it.

The Waiter retreats underneath the bar.

CASEY Oh…. Uh…. I can’t have this.

RILTON Come on! Have a sip! It’s bad luck if you don’t cheers.

CASEY No, no, I can’t. I’m Off Beat.

RILTON Lighten up, have some fun! Like Jackie here. She’s always a good time. She lights up the room!

CASEY I really shouldn’t.

MAX Case…. maybe just have a sip?

CASEY What?

MAX Just take a little, it’ll be fine! Just to celebrate. And then you’re finished. No harm done.

CASEY I thought you didn’t drink.

MAX It’s fine. Cigarettes are way more harmful for you than alcohol. Seriously. Look it up. They’ve done studies.

He picks up the glass and holds it out to her.

CASEY Oh… Um… Maybe just a teeny bit…

She reaches her hand out slowly…. Then suddenly pushes it back, spilling it all over Max.

RILTON Party foul!

MAX My ensemble!

CASEY Max, what the hell? You almost gave me that… That drink! I need to go.

MAX Wait, here, I’ll come with you to the hotel.

CASEY No. I’m going back home. I need to finish my treatment. And you can’t be there.

MAX Casey, wait-- Don’t do this. I’m sorry-- It was a mistake.

CASEY I need some time for myself. I’ll text you later. Have fun on your tour, Max. Don’t let me get in the way of your good time.

She walks out.

RILTON Geez, is she on her period or something? What a bitch. And I can say that because I’m One of the Guys.

Rilton turns to the bar. Now, it’s just Max and Jackie. Max turns to her. He knows what he’s about to do. He steps forward and turns to the audience for his confession.

“GOOD INTENTIONS”

MAX I got something to say A confession of me I've been led astray Tried so hard to change But I'm set on my ways My words mean nothing again

The bar falls away. Suddenly we are in Max’s hotel room with Jackie. A giant bed in the middle of the room. Max starts to undress.

MAX I promised I'd be good But I can't help myself from these temptations When they call, there's nothing I can do I promised I'd be good The road to hell is paved with good intentions So when I fall, I will fall to you I promised I'd be I promised I'd be good

Max and Jackie passionately kiss. And by that, I mean Max licks the lampshade, drool running everywhere. They fall into the bed together… where, uh… he has sex with her. As he finishes his final thrust, climaxing, he turns over to his side of the bed.

MAX I just couldn't resist It was the moment of bliss I know it's hard to forgive It's too late for changes All this time I've wasted Words mean nothing, nothing again

I promised I'd be good But I can't help myself from these temptations When they call, there's nothing I can do I promised I'd be good The road to hell is paved with good intentions So when I fall, I will fall to you I promised I'd be I promised I'd be good

He sits on the edge of the bed, and turns back to Jackie, ashamed. What has he done?

SCENE FIFTEEN

The rehab center. Casey, in her robe, sits on the chair doing crochet. She sits, silently. Patiently looping the threads around each other. After a few moments, the Nurse enters.

NURSE Ms. Smoke?

CASEY Oh! Do I have a visitor?

NURSE No. Nobody likes you.

CASEY Sorry, I just thought it might be. Well, my old roommate. I went looking for her in Colorado but I couldn’t find her. (looking at her needles) You know, I always used to hate stuff like this. My grandma would spend all day on her couch, looping the little threads together, spending hours and hours just to make a very unflattering scarf. And I always thought, “Grandma you old slut, they have children in China for that. Get a goddamn cellphone.” But now I get it. It’s not about the finished product, it’s about the work getting there.

NURSE Mm-hm. Sounds like your medical marijuana prescription is a bit heavy. I’ll let the doctor know.

She exits. Casey takes out her cell phone and dials a number. After a few rings, it goes to voicemail.

MAX Shika, shika, what? This is Max’s phone. Please leave a message after the beep… is what I would say if I ever checked my voicemail! Ha, ha, psych!

Casey hangs up, frustrated. She stands, facing out. The music starts up.

“NEW YORK CITY”

CASEY To know what it's like to love somebody the way I love you To know what it's like to love somebody the way I love you To know how it feels to kill yourself with bad habits To know what you want, know you'll never truly have it

CASEY New York City, please go easy on me tonight New York City, please go easy on this heart of mine Cause I'm losing my lover to the arms of another New York City, please go easy on me tonight New York City, please go easy on me, tonight

When I went away, saw your face in my rear-view I knew that look on your face, that I had lost you

New York City, please go easy on me tonight New York City, please go easy on this heart of mine Cause I'm losing my lover to the arms of another New York City, please go easy on me tonight

The music ends. After a moment more of crocheting, the door creaks open.

CASEY Hello? Is someone there?

Damien, lord of darkness, emerges from the shadows.

CASEY Damien! Oh my gosh, how are you? We have to catch up! Lunch sometime? Oooh, I’m actually so busy! Well, good luck with whatever you’re doing! Bye! Wait, but why are you here?

DAMIEN I heard you were… feeling lonely. You know, ever since Max fired me, I’ve been watching, waiting, commiserating. And funny enough, I was just thinking of you for a new project of mine. I’ve actually got a new job at YouTube Red… Jake Paul and I are developing a new web series where we push elderly people into oncoming traffic. And we think you’d be a perfect addition to the team.

CASEY Wow! Really?

DAMIEN We’ll wait for you to finish your program, of course. As long as you commit to a contract now. Jake is very impatient, he has the attention span of a goldfish.

He pulls out his quill and scroll.

DAMIEN What do you say? Partners?

CASEY Ummm… I don’t know…

Suddenly, a bright light bursts out from the side of the stage. Out of the gleam, Priscilla, wearing a white robe and illuminating a heavenly glow, emerges.

PRISCILLA Get away from her, you bitch.

CASEY Prissy!

DAMIEN Well, well, well. You’re looking chunkier than usual, Priscilla.

PRISCILLA Another disgusting contract ploy, foul demon? Does that tired old trick ever really work?

DAMIEN Mark my words, I will obtain a human host to open the Baazul Door. And then, a thousand years of darkness shall cross the land, with me as the rightful king.

PRISCILLA Not if I or the Guardians have anything to say about it.

CASEY Prissy! You look great! Did you get highlights or something?

PRISCILLA Stay back, child.

DAMIEN Yes, I’ll come for you after I finish with her.

The two of them run at each other, throwing lightning bolts and magical energy in an epic battle of good vs. evil. Casey cowers as lights and smoke explode over her head.

The smoke clears. Damien is gone-- he’s escaped. Priscilla is about to run after him, but is stopped by Casey.

CASEY Wait!

Casey gives her a big hug.

CASEY I don’t know what you’re doing, but just know I love you.

PRISCILLA Thank you, roommate. If the earth remains spinning, know that I have succeeded. Now, get back here, coward!

Priscilla sprints off.

CASEY We really should do lunch sometime.

Casey, now alone again, sits. Stares at her phone.

SCENE SIXTEEN

Backstage at a Calvin Harris show. Max sits on the couch with Jackie next to him. Rilton sits across.

RILTON … so then I was like, “Sex on the Beach.” And that’s how I won Family Feud.

MAX Holy crap, you are a genius.

RILTON I know! Even despite my uterus!

MAX And you use it all for this! This career! HahAhaHahAHh!

As they crack up from laughter, Max’s phone vibrates.

MAX Oh-- Oh--- Sorry, Casey wants to Facetime.

RILTON I thought you were done with her. You should just start dating Jackie. She’s so low maintenance. Seriously, she was so easy to assemble.

MAX Casey and I are… Well… You know… It’s complicated.

RILTON Ghost her. Stop being such a pussy. And I can say that, because I’m a feminist.

MAX I can’t just not respond.

RILTON Why not? Two years ago I was living in Palo Alto with a husband and three kids and a job as the CFO of Facebook. I’d drive them to their soccer games, frame their shitty artwork, buy them all the lotion and kleenex they could get their lil dicks on. Then, one day I just... stopped. Stopped responding to their texts. Blocked them from my Instagram. Didn’t open their Snapchats. Changed my name to Rilton Decker, hop a plane to New York, and now, bam, I’m on an international tour popping pussies with nobody to take care of but myself. They understood. Sometimes you just gotta bail.

Max thinks.

MAX You know what. Fuck her.

RILTON Now that’s what I like to hear!

The two of them high five a bunch and slap dicks or whatever. Meanwhile, across an ocean, Casey is at the rehab center checking her phone. She looks around anxiously.

CASEY Hello? Does anybody have a phone charger?

Jason emerges. He is wearing a monocle and some fancy ass clothes.

CASEY Jason?

JASON Cassandra? Doth mine eyes deceive me?

CASEY I haven’t seen you in forever!

JASON I hath been deep in the bowels of this building, in the supple bosom of the mistress known as rehabilitation, studying the muses-- the masters, and the like. I hath completed mine time here and am off to Stratford-Upon-Avon where I shall be studying the lost art of cartography.

CASEY Wow. That’s so good to hear. I’m actually finishing tomorrow too.

JASON We must celebrate! Cometh with me, I know a pub near the riverside that is simply divine.

CASEY Oh, I don’t know. I’m supposed to wait for Max.

JASON Send him a correspondence!

CASEY No, I had the last text. So I can’t send him another text, unless he opens my Snapchat. And he did like some Instagram pictures but that was a few hours ago and Facebook messenger says he’s online but he might have just left his computer open and he’s using Twitter but I think that’s Rilton and he charged me for the food for all of our dates on Venmo but my phone has been glitchy lately--

JASON You are allowed to leave, Cassandra. He’ll be here when you geteth back, I swear.

CASEY I’ll just wait here until Max gets back. Should be any month now.

JASON Well, if that be your choice, than I can only hope that the lady Fate will brush us toward each other again.

As Rilton and Jason fade away, Casey and Max look forward.

“THE ONE”/ “ALL WE KNOW”

MAX You know, I'm sorry I won't make it to your party Got caught up in my own selfishness It won't let me be a part of this And I know I've started Drifting off every second I can't wait to leave as soon as I arrive I count the seconds

CASEY Fighting flames of fire Hang onto burning wires We don't care anymore Are we fading lovers? We keep wasting colors Maybe we should let this go

MAX Down and down we go

CASEY This feeling's all we know

MAX & CASEY But I won't be the one No, I won't be the one

MAX I know it's pathetic Fuck it, yeah, I said it Tried to tell it like it is There's a chance that I'll regret it, so Let's go, let's end this I delete before I send it And we can play pretend Like we haven't reached the end yet

CASEY Never face each other One bed, different covers We don’t care anymore Two hearts still beating On with different rhythms Maybe we should let this go

MAX Down and down we go

CASEY This feeling's all we know

MAX & CASEY But I won't be the one No, I won't be the one.

SCENE SEVENTEEN

“YOUNG” (INSTRUMENTAL)

Time passes. An instrumental version of “Young” plays. Max parties, does shows, hangs with Rilton, spends time with Jackie. Damien and Priscilla battle. Jason studies. The Narrator narrates. Casey waits-- she only waits. Eventually, she takes out her phone and stares at it. Time is still passing. Finally, she decides to text. Max stops whatever he’s doing and looks at it. The two of them stand forward and text each other. Everyone is watching.

CASEY heyy what’s up

MAX not much you?

CASEY same, just chilling … when are you getting back in ny?

MAX uhhhh idk

CASEY ok cool haven’t heard from you in like a year and a half so just making sure everything’s ~cool~ lol growing heart emoji

MAX …

CASEY max?

MAX ya i’ll let you know

CASEY ok cool …

CASEY actually i don’t really know what’s going on lol upside down smiley face emoji heart emoji heart emoji heart emoji

MAX ?

CASEY our snapchat streak is zero zero

MAX oh yeah my b

CASEY you didn’t snap me back

MAX things have been hectic, sorry

CASEY but you’ve been posting instagrams

MAX yeah

CASEY so like that’s weird

MAX you’re being crazy just chill

CASEY can you just talk to me tho like what’s going on

MAX nothing

CASEY max be honerb bonerst* honest** stupid ducking autocorrect but can you be honest for a sec

MAX i am

CASEY is something wrong did i do something did i get less hot when i misspelled earlier that was autocorrect not me are you mad at me because i said boner i promise i don’t even know what a boner is max are u still there? max bae max i see the text bubble max bae bae bae

The music starts up. Max stands out and composes a text.

“HONEST”

MAX It's five a.m. and I'm on the radio I'm supposed to call you, but I don't know what to say at all And there's this girl, she wants me to take her home She don't really love me though, I'm just on the radio And I'm not gonna tell you that I'm over it 'Cause I think about it every night I'm not sober, and I know I keep these feelings to myself Like I don't need nobody else But you're not the only one on my mind

MAX If I'm being honest If I'm being honest You said I should be honest So I'm being honest

It's six a.m., I'm so far away from you I don't wanna let you down, what am I supposed to do? It's been three weeks at least, now, since I've been gone And I don't even like the road, I'm just on the radio And I'm not gonna tell you that I'm over it 'Cause I think about it every night I'm not sober, and I know I keep these feelings to myself Like I don't need nobody else But you're not the only one on my mind

If I'm being honest If I'm being honest You said I should be honest So I'm being honest

The music ends. Max is about to send. A moment of silence. You know what? Fuck this. Max deletes the text and exits.

CASEY max are you still there?

We fade to darkness as Casey waits.

EPILOGUE

The Narrator walks on stage.

THE NARRATOR So now we come to the end of this tale What one may describe as an “Epic Fail” A romance as a nom de guerre An end as blue as my very trendy hair

Though sometimes Change occurs in a single encounter Destiny changed in the course of an hour You might think the relationship has completely declined But sometimes fate has other things in mind

We know what you wanna see because hey, Why else would you come and see this play? Come on! Lights up on the stage, After four years, turn the page Orchestra ready, put the piano on Finally it’s here, another day of sun Our most important scene by far ‘Cause someone’s looking pretty in a hotel bar.

The Narrator sweeps back behind a bar counter, well-lit and populated with twentysomethings mingling. Casey enters on the phone. Her hair has grown out nicely, she carries herself with the air of someone who knows what she wants.

CASEY Yes. Tell them we’re not ripping off La La Land. No, no. This is it’s own thing. Ok, great. Thank you. Yes, the expo was great. We only have one t-shirt left.

Casey pulls out a C-SONG-L-TAIC-SEAN-WOS-NEW-O shirt to look at it.

CASEY Yup. I’ll be back first thing tomorrow morning. I’ll see you then. Love you too, Jay-bae.

Max enters on the other side of the bar. His arm is around Jackie.

MAX God, I hate Holiday Inns. I don’t know why Rilton keeps booking us here. These bars are worse than refugee camps.

From across the room, he spots her. Casey. Fortunately, Jackie doesn’t notice. You know, because she’s an inanimate object.

MAX Actually, I’m going to grab a quick nightcap. You go back up to the room. You’re looking really dim.

He shoves her forcefully off. He moves to the bar where he takes two glasses of alcohol and slowly brings them over to Casey’s table. Casey looks up-- caught frozen when she realizes who it is.

MAX Anyone sitting here?

CASEY Oh-- Um…

MAX It’s Max. Max Chains. Remember? We fucked a bunch?

CASEY Ha, ha. Oh yes. Of course. Max. Uncircumcised. ... What are you doing here?

MAX On vacation with the family. With the albums, and the tours… We barely get a chance to have fun anymore. So it’s, uh, nice to get away. I guess.

CASEY How are Jackie and the kids? I mean-- Oh, you have a family? I definitely still don’t follow you on Instagram and leave virus links in the comments.

MAX Yeah, we’re good,... Just gave birth to our son.

CASEY Um. Congrats.

MAX Thank you.

MAX Hey, I know it’s been a while. But, I’m sorry that things went the way they did… I know that closure is important to you.

CASEY It’s fine. When I saw the picture of Jackie in that wedding dress that’s the moment I knew… It was over. So, you have a kid. What’s his name?

MAX Damien, after his godfather. He made me promise him my first born son, so… Here’s a picture.

He holds out his phone.

CASEY He’s going to look very handsome once the hair grows over that 666 birthmark on his head.

MAX Thank you.

CASEY … Also, I just want to say, if you’ve seen any of my videos, I’m sorry. I should have reached out to you--

MAX It’s fine. Don’t worry about it--

CASEY I was just so angry… and then it kind of spiralled a bit. I just don’t want you to sue, or think it was some whole thing--

MAX Stop. You should be very proud of yourself. It was smart, what you did. Very disruptive. Workout Ex-- “How to Get A Super Rocking Bod to Make Your Ex Text Back?” “How to Drop Ten Pounds to be Skinnier Than Your Ex’s New Girl?” I always thought I may have inspired them… You know what they say. Behind every successful woman is an even hotter and more successful man. I’m happy for you, Casey. You got everything you wanted. And I’m glad I was a part of that.

CASEY Thank you. I appreciate it. God… Lawsuits? Kids? Getting things we wanted? When did we get so old…

MAX I know… Sometimes I just wish we could go back to the way things were. Things were so simple back then. We had so much to look forward to. Now all I have to look forward to is death.

CASEY I miss Vine.

MAX I miss planking.

CASEY ... I wish we could go back too. But these lives of ours… so complicated.

Max puts his hand on the table. Right next to Casey’s. So close.

MAX Yeah. … A lot of baggage.

CASEY You know we never broke up. Officially.

MAX So it’s like we’re still together.

CASEY Even though we haven’t talked in four years.

MAX It’s kinda like we’ve been dating the whole time.

CASEY Exactly!

MAX … Well. … It was good to see you.

CASEY You too. I hope you have a good life, Max.

MAX You too, Casey.

As they prepare to part ways, the Narrator suddenly drops her bar rag and speeds around the counter to Max and Casey.

THE NARRATOR Nope, nope, nope. Stop right there. What do you think you’re doing.

MAX We’re giving up. This relationship isn’t going to work.

THE NARRATOR You are two rich, white, straight, attractive Millennials. You have no excuse to not make this work.

CASEY But what about our families?

THE NARRATOR You are the most selfish, awful, melodramatic pieces of human garbage I have ever narrated for. I’m sure you don’t actually care about other people.

CASEY Our careers?

THE NARRATOR You don’t have careers. You have a hobby you monetized. The difference is one has health insurance, and one doesn’t. Like for instance, narrating has health insurance.

MAX We tried once, and it didn’t work. What if there’s too much baggage?

THE NARRATOR Oh my god, Shut Up. All you two are good for is getting into a perfectly good situation and then blowing it up. It’s social terrorism. Literally look at yourself. Who complains about suing other people? You are literally complaining right now because you already got everything you wanted. You think there’s too much baggage? Well guess what-- Nobody cares. Fuck whoever you want. You’re going to ruin your lives one way or the other, so might as well limit the blast radius.

CASEY But we’re happy now.

THE NARRATOR Are you?

CASEY Max…

MAX This family life… this tour… it’s so boring. I wanted my life to be exciting, not the Partridge Family.

CASEY I thought attention from strangers online would make me happy. But now, I know happiness is impossible without the love of a strong, All-American man.

MAX So are we doing this?

CASEY You bet your dick we’re doing this.

They passionately kiss. Rilton and Damien enter, holding hands.

RILTON Max! Great news! I bumped into an Afro-Pop beat poetry manager and he’s giving me my big break! Also, I’m fucking this demon!

DAMIEN And I’m the sub!

Damien laughs and hisses. Jason and Jackie enter together.

JASON Me took too many Ambien. (he kisses Jackie) I love lamp.

Priscilla enters. Looks at everyone else.

PRISCILLA I’m still happily alone, thank goddess.

THE NARRATOR Well, looks like we’ve all found love here tonight. Even me and Harry here.

She takes out a cardboard cutout of Harry Styles and kisses it lovingly.

THE NARRATOR Gotta love a happy ending. Roll the credits!

The music kicks up one last time.

“CLOSER (REPRISE)”

MAX Hey, I was doing just fine before I met you I drink too much and that's an issue But I'm OK Hey, you tell your friends it was nice to meet them But I hope I never see them Again

I know it breaks your heart Moved to the city in a broke-down car And four years, no calls Now you're looking pretty in a hotel bar And I, I, I, I, I can't stop No, I, I, I, I, I can't stop

So, baby, pull me closer In the back seat of your Rover That I know you can't afford Bite that tattoo on your shoulder Pull the sheets right off the corner Of that mattress that you stole From your roommate back in Boulder

We ain't ever getting older We ain't ever getting older We ain't ever getting older

CASEY You look as good as the day I met you I forget just why I left you, I was insane Stay and play that Blink-182 song That we beat to death in Tucson, OK

The Narrator shoves Casey aside. This is her big diva moment.

THE NARRATOR I know it breaks your heart Moved to the city in a broke-down car And four years, no call Now I'm looking pretty in a hotel bar And I, I, I, I, I can't stop No, I, I, I, I, I can't stop

Casey shoves The Narrator away.

MAX & CASEY So, baby, pull me closer In the back seat of your Rover That I know you can't afford Bite that tattoo on your shoulder Pull the sheets right off the corner Of that mattress that you stole From your roommate back in Boulder We ain't ever getting older

We ain't ever getting older We ain't ever getting older

EVERYONE So, baby, pull me closer In the back seat of your Rover That I know you can't afford Bite that tattoo on your shoulder Pull the sheets right off the corner Of that mattress that you stole From your roommate back in Boulder We ain't ever getting older We ain't ever getting older No, we ain't ever getting older

We ain't ever getting older No, we ain't ever getting older We ain't ever getting older We ain't ever getting older We ain't ever getting older No, we ain't ever getting older

EVERYONE We ain't ever getting older No, we ain't ever getting older

The song ends.

PRISCILLA Wait, you stole my mattress?

Blackout. End of play.

THE END