Catharine Mckenty Foreword by Alan Hustak
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Expanded Edition RIDING THE ELEPHANT SURVIVAL AND LOVE WITH A BIPOLAR PARTNER CATHARINE MCKENTY FOREWORD BY ALAN HUSTAK Durham, NC Copyright © 2019 Catharine McKenty Riding the Elephant: survival and love with a bipolar partner Catharine McKenty www.neilmckenty.com Published 2019, by Torchflame Books Second edition published 2020 www.torchflamebooks.com Durham, NC 27713 USA SAN: 920-9298 Paperback ISBN: 978-1-61153-346-0 E-book ISBN: 978-1-61153-347-7 Library of Congress Control Number: 2019945720 ALL RIGHTS RESERVED No part of this publication may be reproduced, stored in a re- trieval system, or transmitted in any form or by any means, electronic, mechanical, photocopying, recording, scanning, or otherwise, except as permitted under Section 107 or 108 of the 1976 International Copyright Act, without the prior written permission except in brief quotations embodied in critical ar- ticles and reviews. When you take on an impossible task, the universe conspires to help you. —Johann Wolfgang von Goethe CONTENTS Foreword ..........................................................................vii Preface ..............................................................................ix Early Years – Toronto 1930 - 1952 ....................................1 Donlands Farm .......................................................................4 Lake Simcoe ........................................................................... 21 Bishop Strachan School ........................................................33 Victoria College ..................................................................... 41 Europe 1950 – 1956 .........................................................44 Translating in Switzerland ..................................................48 Four Winters in the Ruhr .....................................................51 Return Home ..................................................................60 Detroit and Fried Chicken ................................................. 60 U.S.A. 1956 .......................................................................69 Dellwood ................................................................................69 Peribonka ............................................................................... 71 Pace Magazine ....................................................................... 75 Riding the Elephant v Toronto 1968 – 1972 .......................................................84 Writing Speeches at Queen’s Park .....................................84 Meeting Neil on the Dance Floor ......................................89 Marriage .................................................................................92 Montreal 1972 – 1982 ......................................................97 Difficult Early Days ..............................................................97 Counselling..........................................................................102 Purchase of a House on Somerville Avenue .................... 115 Halloween .............................................................................117 Meeting John Main ............................................................ 124 Challenging Times ..............................................................132 The Field of Carrots ............................................................136 Exchange ...............................................................................138 John Main’s Death ...............................................................141 Ireland 1982 – 1992 ....................................................... 142 Writing the Biography of John Main ............................... 142 Donwood – Mood Swings ..................................................153 Writing the Unitas Newsletter and Organizing Meditation Conferences .............................................................155 Depression Strikes 1992 – 1994 ....................................163 Institute for Human Growth ............................................ 167 The Roller Coaster .............................................................170 Al-Anon .................................................................................171 Plunging Down, Worse than Ever.................................... 174 The Cocktail and the Hurricane ...................................... 177 Creating Pine Avenue Programming ................................181 Taizé ................................................................................... 184 vi Catharine McKenty Pen to Paper 1998 – 2012 .............................................. 187 Montreal Ice Storm ............................................................ 187 From My Writings During the 1998 Ice Storm .............. 188 Dream Sisters ......................................................................189 Writing Weekends 1996-1998 ........................................... 197 Writing the Laurentian Lodge Ski Club Book ............... 198 A Highway Accident .......................................................... 204 Neil Writes a Murder Mystery ......................................... 206 Writing Polly of Bridgewater Farm ..................................207 Losing Neil in Omagh ........................................................ 219 The Turnbull Clan .............................................................. 225 Adventures with Neil .........................................................226 Launching My Book in Ireland .........................................229 New Beginnings ..................................................................230 The Universe Cares About Us .......................................... 236 Tributes to Neil ................................................................... 237 My Last Day in Ireland, 2015 .............................................239 Riding My Own Elephant .................................................239 Acknowledgments ........................................................ 241 Catharine McKenty ...................................................... 242 FOREWORD s Catharine McKenty celebrates her 90th birthday she has at last fully found a voice of her own. Her late husband, Neil McKenty, was one of AMontreal’s highest-rated radio talk show hosts. His open line talk show, Exchange, which ran on CJAD during the ‘70s, became a sort of public confessional where listeners exchanged ideas in an atmosphere of civility. With him she co-authored a best-selling book about the history of the Laurentian Lodge Club. She acted as his right-hand during the intense months of writing the John Main biography, In the Stillness Dancing. On her own she mined her family’s rich Irish history for her engaging tale, Polly of Bridgewater Farm. But during their 40 years of marriage Neil was the outspoken voice of the family. Catharine was every inch Neil’s intellectual equal. She had an Honour’s degree in English from Victoria College at the University of Toronto, studying under Northrop Frye. After the war she spent four years in reconciliation work with people from all over Europe, with winters in Germany during its reconstruction. She worked as a research editor for Pace magazine in Los Angeles and as a speechwriter for Ontario’s Minister of Education. viii Catharine McKenty Catharine has never ridden an elephant, but she lived with an elephant in the room, the illness no one talked about. Two years after she married Neil, Catharine was shocked to discover that her husband had had a history of mental illness. She also understood that Neil was a man who was used to getting his own way, who “had very little idea of the give and take of relationships.” Their marriage should not have worked, but it did. Both deeply spiritual people in their own way, she accepted the challenge of coping with his deep-seated depression and unpredictable bipolar behaviour. Any number of books have been written about depression. Neil even wrote about it in his autobiography, The Inside Story. Catharine views it from the outside. With this book Catharine returns to her distinguished family’s Irish roots and writes about what only she could know about her husband’s illness and how her ancestry helped her cope. As she writes, “she grew up with people who were not quitters.” She was not only Neil’s wife but his guardian angel, confident that she would find the strength when she needed it to make the marriage work. Catharine is deceptively tough. She is a true original with a shrewd understanding of people. She can be demanding. Since Neil’s death in 2012 she has been relentless in her efforts to keep his memory alive and at the same time help provide a nuanced understanding of his condition so others can better understand the bipolar condition. “We need more stories of hope in this world,” she has written. “Neil’s story and mine, intertwined for forty years are each, in their own way, stories of hope in spite of unsettling challenges.” —Alan Hustak PREFACE y hope in writing this is that some aspect of my story will bring encouragement and even laughter to those who might be facing difficult times. MEven though I was able to talk to doctors about Neil’s mood swings, I choked on my anguish for years before attending a support group. In our family, troubles were not talked about. You simply went through them. My ride on the elephant was a journey that might have very well ended in tragedy. I am encouraged by public figures such as actress Glenn Close who spoke openly in support of her bipolar sister Jessie. The