1 FRIDAY 31 JAN Interview: Lord Carrington of NHS moving to Fulham the Cloud What happens to your information? Student finance, housing and more 6 8

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31/01/14 Issue 1566 felixonline.co.uk

Imperial and Huawei to cooperate on new data laboratory THIS ISSUE... lead in research and development and that is Nida Mahmud why I welcome today’s announcement of the News Editor collaboration between Imperial and Huawei” The CEO of of Huawei Enterprise, William Xu said: “Investing in innovation is central to HANGMAN top global ICT solutions company Huawei’s business strategy and this exciting and Imperial will collaborate and collaboration will help us stay at the cutting edge invest on a data science lab. The of data science developments. Imperial College research will be in areas such is a global institution with unrivalled knowledge as energy, healthcare and smart in this field. By bringing its experts together cities.A with our engineers we believe we can create new David Willetts, Universities and Science products and services that will harness the huge Minister said: ““Science and research are major potential of big data. contributors to the UK economy and our This collaboration with Imperial also bolsters Universities are central to ensuring that we have the wider partnership programme we have with the skills in science, technology, engineering British universities, which includes working and maths (STEM) that we need to compete in with other institutions around the UK on the This week you are a the global economy. Big Data technology is one 5G technologies that will revolutionise how we Imperial College London of the areas where UK universities can take the communicate in the future.” rock. 39

SCIENCE

A trip down memory lane 10

FILM

Now with new questions and a Catch fire with The Felix Sex Survey... Do it! map! Cinema this week Fully anonymous! 31 2 FRIDAY 31 JAN EDITOR’S PICKS

FOOD COMMENT TELEVISION Chinese New Year Open Letter Sherlock Why not make some This week features an open letter What makes a Sherlock a dumplings? about the Residental Experience Sherlock? Review.

Felix Sex Survey New 24 Tube Map Unveiled

hat’s right ladies and survey. gentlemen, boys and girls, With new questions and moar our sex survey is open this analysis, this year’s survey is bound to year! be a corker! The survey has been open Whether you’re a saint or sinner, Tfor 5 days so make sure to load the cluber or reviser, come and tell us link in your browsers and fill out some about yourself!

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LOLCAT OF TEH WEEK: More from teh Lolcat editor

Transport For London

Aamna Mohdin News Editor

Last year the mayor of London Boris Johnson announced a new Night Tube which will provide services on the Piccadilly, Victoria, Central, Jubilee and Northern lines. TFL will now run on weekends during a 24 hours service. These new plants also involve ticket office closures and up to 750 job cuts.

Felix, Beit Quad, Prince Consort Road, London SW7 2BB. Email: [email protected]. Tel: 020 7594 8072. Fax: 020 7594 8065. THIS BROUGHT Printed by Iliffe Print Cambridge, Winship Road, Cambridge. Registered newspaper ISSN 1040-0711. Copyright © Felix 2014. WEEK WASTO YOUBY Editor-in-Chief Joe Letts News Editors Nida Mahmud, Aamna Mohdin, Aemun Reza, Maciej Matuszewski Features Editor Shiladitya Ghosh Wellbeing Editor Marissa Lewis Business Editor James Tsim Science Editors Philippa Skett, Keir Little, Fiona Hartley Politics Editor Kartikeya Rana, Jash Rughani Food Editors Carol Ann Cheah, Michael Chung Comment Editors Eoghan J. Totten, Tessa Davey Arts Editor Arianna Sorba Fashion Editor Cécile Borkhataria Books Editors Maciej Matuszewski, Eva Rosenthal Music Editors Simon Hunter, Riaz Agahi, Stuart Masson Television Editors John Park, Emily Fulham Film Editor John Park Games Editors Maximilian Eggl, Calum Skene, Imran Rashid Technology Editors Maximilian Eggl, Yong Wen Chua, Osama Arawa, Clubs & Socs Editor Nida Mahmud Charity Editor Ben Fernando Travel Editor Chris Richardson Sports Editor Kunal Wagle Online Editors Philip Kent, Annina Sartor, Stephen Ball Puzzles Commanders Kingshuk Dasadhikari, Oliver Price Copycats Stephen Ball and Annina Sartor Copykittens Alexandra Hamilton, Keir Little, Tom Rivlin, Assistant Helping the Editor Make Eccentric Choices Ellen Mathieson FRIDAY 31 JAN 3 Editors: Aemun Reza, Nida Mahmud, Maciej Matuszewski, Aamna Mohdin NEWS [email protected] Changes to Tube strikes to Car crash driver admits causing Alcohol Policy for cause chaos in death of Imperial researcher Varsity 2014 February

Joe Letts Joe Letts Editor-in-Chief Editor-in-Chief

mperial’s Sports Partnership has recently sent an email to stakeholder of the annual Varsity match outlining changes to the acceptance of alcohol during the Ievent. The declared Varsity Day Alcohol AFP/Getty Policy affirms that the focus of the Varsity event should be on “sporting ransport for London have competition”. The email cited a announced that next week significant number of incidents there will be disruption to related to alcohol consumption and underground travel. On how they were inappropriate at a Wednesday 5 February and sporting competition. TThursday 6 February walkouts are In preparation for Varsity 2014 expected. Services will be affected several changes have been put in place from as early as 21.30hrs on February which will affect the use of alcohol 4 so don’t get caught out. during the day including:” Talks to avert the strikes are being NEWS LIMITED Alcohol can no longer be taken onto held. However, TfL have devised Fogarty, who has never held a driving tion at HP Labs in Bristol, eventually coaches. a strategy to keep London moving Maciej Matuszewski license, was clocked at speeds of up returned to Imperial College London Participants and spectators will be should the industrial action go ahead. News Editor 170km/h (105mph). The ground pur- where he held the Royal Society Uni- unable to carry externally purchased Extra buses will be laid on, and suit was eventually called off to reduce versity Research Fellowship. At the alcohol onto College/Union/The‘ambassadors’ will endeavour to keep danger to the public. However, a police time of the accident, he had been lec- Stoop owned premises. Tube stations open, providing travel n Australian man has helicopter observed the car running a turing for one year. Any personal supply of alcohol advice and information as necessary. admitted causing the red light on Orrong Road and hitting A statement from Imperial College found on said premises will be TfL advises that Tube services will death of two men, the taxi. Subsequent tests showed that praised Dr Barrett’s research, adding: confiscated. finish early on Tuesday evening so one of whom was Mr Fogarty had high levels of cannabis “His loss will be greatly felt by the People who are judged to be overly customers are urged to complete their the Imperial College and amphetamines in his blood. scientific community. Our thoughts intoxicated by Harlequins security journey as early as possible. Tube researcherA Dr Sean Barrett, by While Fogarty, who escaped from and condolences are with Dr Barrett’s will not be given permission to enter services are expected to return to dangerous driving. the crash with only a broken leg, ini- family, friends and colleagues at this The Stoop.” normal on Friday morning. Dr Barrett, 36, had travelled to tially denied being the driver he was tragic time.” Speaking to the Man- the West Australian city of Perth on overheard in prison admitting to his chester Evening News, his mother, Jan Sponsored Editorial October 16 2012 to attend a quantum guilt. In a court sitting on 21 Janu- Barrett, described her great loss say- physics conference but was in the ary of this year he pleaded guilty to ing: “Everybody absolutely loved him country for less than an hour when the the charges against him, saying: “I and had great respect for the work he taxi he was in was hit by a speeding just want to apologise to the families. was doing. He would have gone on to Student Discounts At 4x4. Dr Barrett and his driver, Kuldeep I know sorry won’t bring them back, do more great things.” Singh, 28, died instantly. but I still want to let them know I am Speaking of the incident, Ms Austin Speaking in the Supreme Court of s o r r y.” said: “This is a case in the very worst Fresh Hairdressers Western Australia last week Prosecu- Dr Barrett had studied at Cambridge category – he drove intoxicated, at tor Therese Austin outlined how An- University for his undergraduate and excessive speeds through suburban 70m from South Kensington tube thony Fogarty, 24, had led the police postgraduate degree. His doctoral streets, in gross contravention of traf- on a high speed chase around Perth work was on quantum information fic laws, whilst evading police with no in the 4x4, which had been reported processing in a condensed matter intention to stop”. Fogarty will be sen- stolen several days previously. Mr system. He moved on to a junior posi- tenced next month.

Men’s cuts £22 (normally £35) All over clipper cuts from £10 Imperial academics on list of Women’s cut and rough dry £28 Women’s cut and salon finish blow-dry £38 (normally £55) top UK practising scientists Highlights from only £40

Professor Dougherty’s citation mechanics of structural stability, Sorry CASH only! Maciej Matuszewski praises “her leadership in space science primarily involving modelling News Editor as team leader on the magnetometer buckling instabilities in metallic and FRESH hairdressers are offering instrument aboard the NASA-ESA composite material structures”. the best haircuts, prices and Appointments available Tuesday to Cassini Mission to the Saturn System The Science Council was formed service in South Kensington. Saturdays 9.30 to 6.30 wo Imperial College and ... her contribution to encourage by a Royal Charter in 2003 with the researchers have been young women into science”. Professor aim of promoting both research and Please call 0207 823 8968 to We are only 70 metres from placed on list of 100 Dougherty has been responsible for popular engagement with science. book an appointment and ask for South Kensington station at 15a top practising scientists world leading research on Saturn’s Diana Garnham, chief executive of a student discount. Please bring Harrington road, South Kensington, compiled by the Science moon, Ganymede, and was named a the Council, said that she hoped the your student ID we look forward to SW7 3ES 0207 823 8968. TCouncil. Professor Michelle Fellow of the Royal Society in April list would serve to raise the profile of seeing you. Dougherty and Dr Ahmer Wadee 2012. scientists who are normally ignored We use the best styling products Check out our website: join other well known scientists on Dr Wadee, of the Civil and by the media. She added: “we must ... from Wella, Moroccan Oil, L’Oreal. www.freshhairdressers.co.uk the list, including Lord Martin Reese, Environmental Engineering recognise and encourage the many ... Sir Paul Nurse and Dame Jocelyn Bell Deparmtent, was praised for “his types of contributory scientific talent Burnell. research in the field of nonlinear and experience”. Union Page

The Big Elections 2014 The Big Elections 2014 are coming! Launching next month, the Big Elections are approaching and we are running a series of information sessions that will help you to understand what positions are available and how to put together a successful campaign and winning manifesto.

Every information session is open to all students and they are a great way to get an idea about each role and find out which might be suitable for you to run for. They are not compulsory but will certainly give you a head-start in The Big Elections 2014. Don’t worry if you can’t make one of the sessions, we will be making the slides available online for all to see. spring 2014 Have a look at imperialcollegeunion.org/elections to find out more! EVENTS THIS WEEK imperialcollegeunion.org/elections imperialcollegeunion.org/stressless MEDITATION MADE EASY Wednesday 5 February, 12:00 - 12:50 SACAs Free After a successful launch last year, the Student Meeting Room 3 Academic Choice Awards are back! De-clutter your head space with a meditation skill you can use at your The Student Academic Choice Awards – or SACAs – desk, at home or before an exam. enable students to celebrate and reward excellence and innovation amongst Imperial’s academic STRESS LESS WORKSHOP and professional staff. We believe teaching and Wednesday 5 February, 13:00 - supervision are skills of equal worth and value to 13:50 research, and we aim to build a community in which Free academics, staff and students all feel empowered to Meeting Room 3 bring forth new ideas. This quick session explores strategies to slow down, have Nominations are open now until 28 February. For more of a work-life balance and more details visit imperialcollegeunion.org/sacas. strengthen your stress response. Keep calm and rise above it all. imperialcollegeunion.org/sacas MINDFULNESS MEDITATION Tuesday 4 February, 13:00 - 13:50 Free Rep Conference Chaplaincy Multi-Faith Centre On 19 February 2014, Imperial College Union will host An introduction to meditation not its first ever Rep Conference. connected to religious tradition. Gives simple ways to practice Themed around the question What Is Excellence?, meditation in daily life. Run by the this free half-day event will bring together Academic Imperial College Chaplaincy team. Representatives and College staff to discuss the future of staff-student interaction at Imperial College ZEN LOUNGE London. Delegates will hear keynote speeches from Thursday 6 February, 11:00 - senior College and Union speakers, and take part in 17:00 workshops designed around four sub-themes: Free Metric Delivering Excellence Drop in for a free massage, kick imperialcollegeunion.org/repconference Campaigning for Excellence back and relax with our chill-out Rewarding Excellence music. This is a work free zone. Measuring Excellence

To register or find out more, please visit imperialcollegeunion.org/repconference.

imperialcollegeunion.org FRIDAY 31 JAN 5

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French Energy Giant to Invest in UK Fracking

votes rather than to the higher cause. Eoghan Totten Fracking in the United States (which Comment Editor went from blueprint to production within a decade) demonstrates that it can provide rapid energy stability. rench resource company The UK Government is not alone (and energy giant) Total is in this. Other nations within the set to invest up to £13 million European Union are equally worried in the immediate future in over long-term security. Instability the fledgling UK Shale Gas in the Middle East has catalysed the F(fracking) industry. energy agenda (in addition to, one A forty per cent stake of two hopes, the monumental humanitarian exploration licenses in Lincolnshire crises in Syria and the surrounding will be turned over to the region). multinational owned by IGas Energy. A joint 2011 paper between It is the first such investment of its King’s College London and the kind in hydraulic fracturing industry European Centre for Energy and in the UK. Chief Energy executive Resource Security put forward some of IGas, Andrew Austin, hailed the justifications for the recent fracking milestone as “a further endorsement ‘gas glut’: “From a global perspective, of the potential that exists.” It bolsters unconventional gas has far-reaching the findings of the British Geological geopolitical implications. It has the Survey: 1,300 trillion cubic feet of potential to balance the EU’s energy shale gas may lie beneath the north of equation by breaking a market England. To quote Joe Lynam, a BBC dominated by a few suppliers.” frack-off.org.uk Business correspondent, a recovery It also proceeded to flag the of ten per cent for a resource this size actual mechanics of fracking are going currently in place). are not sufficient in their own right many emotive issues common to could satiate national energy demands to happen”. A July 2013 Ofgem report into the to remedy the UK’s skewed reliance the communities of Fermanagh and “for almost fifty years.” On the other hand many politicians health of the UK energy sector proved on North Sea gas and foreign coal, Balcombe alike. Recent developments, however, have hijacked the fracking agenda: to be both damning and harrowing. oil and gas. It will provide no positive “Important questions about future have helped reinvigorate the intense a contentious issue generally It believes that spare energy margins feedback for the looming date of market structure, the regulatory debate centred on the hydraulic promotes voluminous and continuous could plummet to as low as 2% by 2015. Couple this with legal conflicts environment, political risk, investor fracturing practice. A balance discourse. This, in a way, might 2015. To put this in the context of a concerning the Republic of Ireland confidence... (all) need to be answered.” between economic profitability and also be construed as a betrayal of Domesday scenario, if each household – An Taisce, the National Trust for Its chief insight was the identification environmental sustainability has been public confidence. Northern Ireland were to simultaneously trip their kettle, Ireland, are considered legal action of fracking as a redeeming player advised by many. A significant number Minister for Environment Mark major and uniform blackouts could over the decision. in the energy market. “With local of anti-fracking lobby groups have Durkan denounced the Fermanagh take place. Ofgem’s Chief Executive, “Despite the nuclear power plant unconventional gas availability evolved to counter the stance of the developments in an interview to BBC Andrew Wright, was quick to vocalise being nearer to the coast of Ireland enabling gas-to-gas competition, Government on fracking. They fear Radio Ulster: his anxiety: “Britain’s energy industry than it is to Leeds, the UK decided not negotiating power is shifting from a that any development of the practice “Tourism is the key economic is facing an unprecedented challenge to consult with the Irish public about hitherto sellers’ market into a more will be uninhibited and will be to the driver in Fermanagh. What impact to secure supplies... Preventive action the decision before it granted consent balanced and favourable market for detriment of environmental and social is the virtual rape of the Fermanagh taken now will help protect consumer in March,” it said. “The first time many buyers.” well-being, rather than to improving countryside going to have on tourism supplies”. Irish people learned about the nuclear This is an important point. It serves them. there?” The logical conclusion (on the part power plant proposal was when the to unify the chief objections of many Developments within political It is disturbing that a politician of the Government) is to galvanise decision was announced.” The UN to the practice of Hydraulic Fracturing circles in County Fermanagh serve would sensationalise their stance major shifts in the balance of energy Implementation Committee of the in their local environment. The as a case in point. Local politicians on a complex issue and lace it with sources. There is already evidence of Convention on Environmental Impact economic benefits must not become have proposed a local referendum on hyperbole, but it is not surprising. real and tangible progress. October Assessment in a Transboundary alienated from their ultimate purpose fracking. Many in the local community When viewed in panorama, the 2013 saw George Osborne endorse Context have also expressed concern. (the betterment of societal well-being). (justifiably) feel that their efforts to fracking debate is dynamic; and varies Chinese funding in future UK-based Hydraulic fracturing is thus Germany is a favourable case in point. form an opinion on the process are with respect to each locality under nuclear projects. Within a matter of understandably attractive to a British Despite each federal State advocating curtailed by a lack of Governmental consideration. On the other hand days EDF Energy (yet another French Government obligated to ‘keep the its own energy policy things appear to clarity. In the words of a local Sinn these localities (and their associated consortium), kept afloat by a sizeable lights on’. A sense of immediacy move forward. Perhaps the same logic Féin councillor, “one of the things I am communities) tap into the wider, proportion of Chinese investors, surrounds the issue, heightened by the might be applied to UK fracking in the hearing is that people’s voices are not integrated National Grid to obtain agreed to development Somerset’s finite term of the ruling Government: future, taking into account the fully- being heard and decisions are being their electricity (excluding Northern Hinkley Point C site. While the which, regrettably, when pared back fledged economic and environmental taken miles away from where the Ireland where an energy pact is developments were encouraging they reveals an ugly truth: pandering to impacts for the higher cause.

Chemistry building under consideration for future move to Imperial West

Joe Letts master planners have established to the need of more space for core new space due to intensive laboratory following comment: “ Editor-in-Chief several parts of the South Kensington academic functions in need of new use and requirements and it has been Of course, this is only the beginning campus where space has become an facilities that can be solved by new decided that the need to move some of a process not the end. I spoke with issue. It was felt that the provisions for buildings or refurbishment. It has parts of the Chemistry to facilities Tom (Head of Dept) and Debra (vice- ollowing an email from the these areas was below what College been decided that some functions is “pressing”. This has lead to the Provost Education) over the weekend, Rector to staff last week it aspires to as part of it’s goal to become of departments will probably be creation of a detailed feasibility study the Dept Rep, Catherine Lu, this has been revealed that parts a world leading adacemic institution required to relocate to the Imperial of the possible options, along side morning and intend to meet with all of the Chemistry department in the coming years. These buildings West campus in order to acquire more options for refurbishment and future student reps... to work out how we will be moved to the Imperial (the Chemistry building, the Blackett space. use of the building. involve all Chemistry undergraduates FWest campus. Building and the Huxley building) The Chemistry Department has In response to our online article last in the process of planning how As part of recent study of critical have been identified as being on the agreed with College Cabinet that week, the Director of Undergraduate Chemistry undergraduate teaching is path issues on the entire College estate, “critical path” of the assessment due Chemistry has the highest need of Studies for Chemistry left the developed at Imperial.” 6 FRIDAY 31 JAN

Editor: Shiladitya Ghosh FEATURES [email protected] Interview with Lord Carrington of Fulham The alumnus discusses the Conservative Party, tuition fees and student housing.

Interview with Matthew, Lord AM: I was thinking that one of the Exchequer in the latter part of John to understand that we don’t have a Carrington of Fulham. things that has changed is that we Major’s Government, is that they did bicameral system. What we have is 8th January 2014 haven’t lived through the era where a fabulous job, almost too good a job one chamber, which is the Commons, socialism was really Socialism … for the politics as they were very, very which is not only paramount, but is Alexander Morton: Thank you very good at running the country, but they the only real elected chamber, which much for your time this afternoon MC: … and we did live through it! weren’t very good at making people has the ability to make laws. The Matthew. If I recall correctly, in And we lived through a time, dare realise they were doing a good job of Lords is an advisory chamber, and it 1967 you were the Chairman of I say it, the Conservative Party was running the country and then saying is really no more than that. We don’t the Imperial College Conservative prepared to go along with a lot of to people, “now we have the economy really even have a delaying power Society? the socialist assumptions about the straight, this is our vision for what we anymore. We can vote against things, way the economy should be run and are now going to do with it”. As such they get sent back to the Commons, Matthew Carrington: That’s right, that of course changed with Margaret people felt, I think, in 1997 that they the Commons overturns our vote 1967-1968, I don’t think I did it in my Thatcher. And it desperately needed wanted someone a bit more exciting and sends it straight back to us. What final year which was 1968 - 1969, so yes to change. I graduated in 1969 and DodOnline.com than John Major on television and we are however, being an advisory it would have been that. It was quite fought my first election in 1979. I Lord Carrington they thought the economy was in chamber, is full of people who are an active society at that time, although fought Fulham in 1987, having fought good shape and so they thought that hugely experienced in what they do. I can’t for the life of me remember it a by-election in ’86 after Martin was a wonderful leader. Which is of someone could come and spend some We have High Court Judges, we have how many members we had. We had Stevens died, and then lost the by- course one of the reasons why she had money. Which they couldn’t of course very senior surgeons, we have very a lot more signed up members than election for a lot of very good reasons. the problems she did in 1990 when the … in hindsight it was a disaster. … One senior academics, we have very senior were active members. Governments lose by-elections and leadership contest came up. of the strong messages coming out of people from industry here – the sort that was no exception. Various crises the Treasury is that the economy is of people who would not get elected AM: So why did you get involved in come up during the election, but we AM: What was it like being in the improving, and actually is improving to any chamber in the world and many politics as a student? didn’t lose it that badly and I won Party during the leadership crisis? quite rapidly, but isn’t improving to would certainly not stand for election it back convincingly during ’87 and the extent that we can ever relax about and never put up with it. They come MC: Well you know I’m one of these stayed on and won it in 1992 with MC: It was frenetic! There were it. Certainly not for the next four to here and put in a lot of time. They rather sad individuals who has always increased majority and sadly went cabals of people getting together and five years, which takes us well through spend time with their colleagues been involved in politics. I was down the great crash of 1997 with discussing what they were going to do the next election. debating things in the Chamber, but involved in politics at school, and I Tony Blair’s victory. and how they were going to do it and also more informal places around the was very political, and my late mother all sorts of rumours about who was AM: What would you say were the Lords. So – hugely influential. used to maintain when she was talking AM: Entering the Commons during going to vote for Mrs Thatcher and main failings of the Conservative to people that I was passionate about the latter part of Lady Thatcher’s who was going to vote the … “Other Party, and why it has not been For example, I was in a debate a few politics at the age of eleven, but I don’t time in office, could you tell us what Candidate” [Michael Heseltine]… It able to win a majority at a General days ago where we were discussing quite remember it being that early. she was like? was one of those, if you like politics, Election for 17 years? a rather obscure part of Children’s However, it was certainly a natural one of those, dare I say, exciting times. legislation, where we had six very progression going from school to MC: She was an amaz … an astonishing In retrospect it was a beastly time, but MC: It’s been a puzzle to a lot of us. I senior judges stand up one after the university to getting involved with lady as everyone knows, but she had at the time it was all very exciting. think it comes down to looking back other, discussing how this clause in the Conservative politics. Frankly the no interpersonal skills at all. It’s one of on the 13 years we were practically the bill would actually work in practice passionate has never left me, so I’ve these sad things about people who are AM: After Mrs Thatcher, you had out of power, and I think we were seen in the courts. You wouldn’t get that always been involved in Conservative very, very good and very driven and the surprise of John Major winning as a Party which didn’t do what the anywhere else and so it does have an politics. know exactly what they are trying to the 1992 election … Conservative Party always been very advantage. It gives the Government do and can force their views through good at – being very conservative on the ability to be able to tap into a AM: How do you feel Conservative a great deal of opposition …. but she MC: It wasn’t a surprise, it was a the economy, being very rigorous on depth of experience which they would politics has changed from when you was extremely difficult in dealing surprise on the opinion polls. Having the economy, but socially being really find very difficult to marshal, and were a student to where you are now with groups and she had none of the said that though, my old constituency quite liberal. We lost that feel. People they also have to take account of such in the House of Lords? natural personal charm which you [Fulham] had been very marginal. felt we were telling them how to run experience. It also means that there might assume that a great political It was less marginal after the 1992 their lives, rather than moving with is a debate, there is a structure, and MC: When I was a student, politics leader would have. For instance, just election because I got over 50% of the flow of the way people wanted to there are 800 members of the House generally was much more patrician, to give you a silly little story which is the vote, but we always had fought it live their own lives and encouraging of Lords, and it means while in a the Conservative party infinitely more so silly, but is fairly typical of her. She and canvassed it very closely, and so them to be able to do what they Committee you would have maybe 20 patrician. We used to have things would be in a receiving line of MP’s, we had a very detailed record of what wanted to do, rather than doing what people at most, here you can have very like, what’s now CCHQ, but in those so she knew us all, and we’d be going people’s opinions were on the doorstep we thought what they should do. I senior judges, you can have very junior days was Central Office, send around up and shaking her by the hand for a from the general election in 1987, the think we lost a bit of that, and then barristers, and you can have solicitors excellent ladies (and they were ladies, reception at 10 Downing Street. And by-election in 1986, from the election of course a party which can’t agree standing up on the same thing in a the ones we had) and do public what her way of operating in that in 1983, and indeed the election in amongst itself on things like Europe, structured environment, having to speaking courses for students and was to grab you by the hand, pull 1979. As such, we could match the and tears itself apart, which we did in make their points, and having to argue things like that, which you know, were you straight through past her by her present canvass returns against the the Maastricht debate and continued it, and having to stand it up against really quite useful. However, the Party hand, while looking at the next person past canvass returns. And we did. We through practically to the present other people’s criticisms in public, doesn’t do things like that anymore coming up. Laughs. So no eye contact, would do this on a daily basis and then day, faces a real uphill struggle to on the record. So it has advantages. and it is very different now. In fact, absolutely no personal tosh at all, and on polling day we would do it on an convince people that we are a unified It is a very peculiar system, I think they don’t provide much support to she vaguely knew who you were, but hourly basis as people were turning force which could change things. I everyone would recognise that, but anything these days. Back then it was did she even do that really … out. Our results, consistently, all the think we are much better at it now, I the way it has evolved, it probably has the Party of Ted Heath, obviously, way through the 1992 election were think that David Cameron has done some strengths as well as clearly some having just been the Party of Sir Alec AM: You were just lobby-fodder? better than they had been in 1987 and a phenomenal job in that, in what are weaknesses. Douglas-Home. I remember sitting 1983, so it wasn’t a surprise to us at nightmare circumstances of having in Beit, in the Union Building, on the MC: We were just something she had all as our canvass returns were much the Liberals in Coalition. AM: When you were a student at first floor, where they had a television to get through, and she got through it better [than the general media polls]. Imperial College your tuition costs set, which was very unusual in the in an efficient way and who is to say So when we increased the majority AM: On the subject of the Lords how were provided for by the State. building or in any part of Imperial at getting through these things in an and got a very good result, we were can you sell the idea of an unelected, What are your views on tuition fees? that time, and watching Harold Wilson efficient way isn’t the right way to do it not the least bit surprised. undemocratic chamber? making his television broadcast about if you are a very busy lady? It did mean MC: I got a grant even! I got a the Pound in your pocket not being though that some of my colleagues, John Major is very underrated. In fact, MC: I think there are a lot of maintenance/living grant, the sort of devalued. So that dates me a bit! [He not me as it happens as I thought part of his great problem was that mythologies about the Lords these thing which is unheard of these days. laughs] very highly of her, did swallow once as Prime Minister, and it’s the same days. People who are used to having a I think it is very sad. I would like not or twice before proclaiming that she as Ken Clarke as Chancellor of the Senate with a bicameral system have to have student tuition fees, but on the FRIDAY 31 JAN 7

@feliximperial FelixImperial FEATURES

other hand when I went to University, be outside it because we are not going should the students of today care between 10-15% of people coming to join the Euro. about politics and why should it out of 6th Forms went to University, be Conservative politics, given the now it getting close to 45-50%. That I think that if we can negotiate traditional student image of it being is a huge change. Universities were sensible terms to be outside the Euro, full of old boys, big business, rather underfunded then and are probably but inside what would be effectively socially dispassionate and uncaring. underfunded now, but the amounts the free trade element of Europe, of money involved were much smaller that would be the best solution. Free MC: That often is the view. It comes then than now. Having said that, I movement of people is very difficult, down to, what is certainly is one of think you have to make sure that the because the people we want to stop the driving forces of the Conservative ability of students to fund their way having free movement are the people Party, although sometimes we lose through and the terms of which the who are the people going to come sight of it, is that the only way of student loans are made are sufficiently, and not contribute to the country. If paying for all the support we want in banking jargon, ‘soft’ – that they are we have got people who are coming to give to people who are less able affordable and aren’t something that in who are highly skilled, we want to to look after themselves is to have a is going to make people who should bring them in. So you have got to get very strong economy. The only way go to University feel they can’t afford the right balance. I’m not sure that to have a very strong economy is to to for financial reasons. So I think terry Moore, Parliamentary copyright images are reproduced with the permission of Parliament bringing in even lots of skilled Polish have a free economy. The difference there is a balance to be drawn. I’m and I think that is probably right. is one of those things which central builders was terribly good for British between the parties always used to be not sure that the balance we have at Students are a particular problem, and Government puts the framework in builders and I think it is a real shame between central planning and private the moment is right, but there is a it was as bad, I can tell you, when I was and local Government puts the details for them. enterprise – people having the right necessity to make sure that people do at Imperial because we had very little in. And then, you are up against people to succeed and the right to fail in the pay for their education a bit more than student housing at Imperial. There was who say, well I quite like my part of AM: Why did you decide to accept businesses. The 50 years after the war, they did just purely on the numbers Beit Hall, which has been there a long town not “being full of high-rise blocks a Peerage? I think, proved pretty conclusively that going into education. time, and there was the old Southside and not being high density”. If you go central planning doesn’t work. We building, Southside Hall, and apart to other cities though, Paris is much MC: I decided to accept because are now getting back to an economy AM: It is becoming increasingly from that there was very little student more densely developed and so is New when you are offered something like where we are seeing businesses able difficult for young people to get accommodation. Imperial went out York, just to take two examples. this you don’t refuse. Being a political to grow and being rewarded for their onto the housing market, let alone and bought a few houses in Earls animal, just getting back onto the efforts, people being able to pay to tax the fact that students in London Court when I was there, but it was all AM: Naturally this wouldn’t front lines of politics, or close to it was which allows us to finance the things don’t have access to student housing pretty basic, there is more now than be a complete interview with a reason enough. Why was I offered it? we need to finance. that students in at other institutions there was then. Conservative if I didn’t mention I think a variety of reasons, although have. What are your views on this Europe, especially given that the short answer is I don’t know! They Students should get involved because issue? It is real problem, and there has been the media attention to the EU don’t tell you why you are going in. all of you are going to be working, all of a lot of money put in, there has been a Referendum Bill … You don’t get a citation which says you are going are going to have a stake MC: I think housing in London is in lot of effort into getting private money “Dear Mr Carrington, we would like in this country or the country you crisis, and I think it is not just confined to finance student housing, which I MC: ...I think we need to start getting to join the House of Lords for the come from or are going back to, and to students – it’s confined to anybody think Imperial has built some halls of that right. I think we face a real following six good reasons …”. I would I would hope that you are going to be who isn’t extremely rich or qualified residence with that, but it isn’t an easy challenge in getting allies in Europe guess the reason include having been a passionate about making this country, for social housing. We desperately one to solve in London. Some of it is and if we can’t find allies for change Member of Parliament, I’ve been also or indeed any country, better for your need to build housing in London, we in North Acton I hear … which is not in Europe, we will probably need to been very active in the voluntary part children than it was for your parents. need to rethink densities, and we need clever … It is all part of, dare I say it, take some tough decisions. They will of the political party, been London The only way you are going to be able to rethink the use of brownfield sites. the housing crisis in London which no be forced on us in any case, regardless regional Chairman and I am currently to do that is by making sure that you So there is a general problem. There is Government has successfully tackled. of what we want to do, by the clear an Association Chairman. I’ve also are driving that change and stopping a lot to be said for building upwards, I think the Mayor is making the right determination to persist the Euro in done a lot of other things, for example other people driving the change in the which comes down to density. Our noises, but I think the problem is that the other counties. There is only one I chair the Party’s appeal board. So, wrong direction. density ratios, which for all the right it is hugely difficult, which is why future for the Euro … actually there I guess it’s a combination of those reasons we’ve wanted to keep low nobody has come up with a solution are two: one is that it collapses, which things. And of course because I’m a AM: Lord Carrington, thank you densities, are unsustainable and that to it. It does mean major changes to politically they are not allowed to brilliant chap and they love me to bits! very much. has to change. I think Boris Johnson planning laws, to be then accepted by do, the other one is that it becomes has said effectively the same thing, local authorities, because planning effectively another State and we will AM: Well naturally! Finally, why MC: Pleasure. Introducing TEDxImperialCollege 2014

This TEDxImperialCollege confer- have to secure places more quickly Chen Yann Qi ence promises something more fu- than ever as the new venue is smaller TEDxIC Organising Team turistic and forward looking than the and there will only be approximately first TEDxImperialCollege which was one hundred tickets going on sale this centred around the theme the Great time round. Exhibition. With the bold theme ‘One Ticket details haven’t be announced ollowing the success of the Step Ahead’, you can expect this to be just yet, but if previous years of TEDx first TEDxImperialCollege a conference filled with the great ideas and TEDMEDLive at Imperial are conference held at Imperial of tomorrow. This conference prom- anything to go by, they’ll be some of College two years ago, and ises to explore ideas that are breaking the hottest tickets in town. TEDMEDLive last March, new ground and revolutionising the In the coming weeks, the full list Fstudents from Imperial can now human experience. of hand-picked speakers will be look forward to yet another thought- TEDxImperialCollege 2014 will be released and Felix will report on provoking, mind-engaging TEDx moving back to campus after last year’s these announcements as they are conference to be held on 29 March. TEDMEDLive popped across the road made. You will find updates as well TED conferences rose to fame to the Royal Geographic society to on the website and social media globally by spreading innovative and entertain and inspire 450 Imperial pages. A lot of excitement is building tedximperialcollege inspirational ideas. TEDx events are students and staff. This time, however, up as the countdown towards the organised independently but adhere the event has been moved from next TEDxImperialCollege begins. tomorrow, be sure to keep an eye on on Facebook (facebook.com/ to the TED format, and are licensed by the Great Hall, the venue of 2012′s And indeed, to become part of the TEDxImperialCollege website at tedximperialcollege) and you can the organisation in the spirit of their runaway success, to the Business TEDxImperialCollege and all tedximperialcollege.co.uk follow TEDxImperialCollege on mission Ideas Worth Spreading. School. This means attendees will the exciting ideas that define our TEDxImperialCollege is also twitter @TEDxIC. 8 FRIDAY 31 JAN

Editor: Kartikeya Rana, Jash Rughani POLITICS [email protected] Egypt’s New Constitution The metamorphosis of an Arab state from autocracy to anarchy

to respond to “the will of the people.” (al-Nahda). Separately, Mr Morsi backed by liberal opposition forces country. Egypt’s weary public is fearful, Jash Rughani Following on from that date, Mr Morsi is facing a third trial relating into and the main religious leaders. having learned through three years of Politics Editor of the Muslim Brotherhood assumed his escape from jail during the 2011 Known to be a religious man, Gen turmoil how protests can evolve into power as the head of state until its uprising against former President Sisi has enjoyed perpetual support weeks-long cycles of violence. Clearly, first anniversary marked with show of Hosni Mubarak from religious bodies across the the participants in the referendum extreme discontentment by different The military intervention was not nation. Mr ElBaradei, a former Morsi mainly included Gen Sisi’s supporters. n January 2011, when Egypt’s factions of the society. This time round well received by many who had to loyalist and coordinator of the main While Morsi’s supporters boycotted political landscape was marred the army issued an ultimatum to Mr bear the brunt of their atrocities in alliance of liberal parties known as it, a large proportion of the country’s by widespread distrust in Morsi, instructing him to respond to the turbulent period following Mr the National Salvation Front, was youth refrained from voting as well. President Hosni Mubarak’s people’s demands or step down within Mubarak’s ouster. Women were appointed interim vice-president with Such discrepancies reflect not only the regime the citizens of Egypt 48 hours. When he failed to do so, it subjected to brutal virginity tests responsibility for foreign affairs as a hardening of a dangerous polarization Itook to the streets with zeal for new removed him from power and placed means to win his consent. Tamarod, a between Islamists and their foes, but hope and better governance. Protests him under house arrest. The army new group that organised nationwide widespread dissatisfaction among were bolstered by the involvement appointed an interim civilian leader protests against Mr. Morsi, gave the Egypt’s youth. Harsh prison sentences of youth and there was a unanimous in Gen Sisi and issued a roadmap president an ultimatum to resign or have recently been served on youths demand for transfer of power. Today, leading to fresh elections. This was face an open-ended campaign of civil for such crimes as illegal assembly in 2014 young secular Eqyptians viewed by anti-Morsi protesters as the disobedience and it was also backed and vandalism. Prosecutors recently voicing opinions against the military saviour of democracy, rather than the by the army. slapped travel bans on a score of are languishing in jails at the mercy perpetrators of a coup. Under the military’s pressure a people, pending charges against them of a coup which once enjoyed their It was announced that Mr Morsi and referendum was held on January 14th, for “insulting the judiciary”. A number outright support. more than 30 others in the Muslim 2014 to draft a new constitution and of journalists remain in prison On August 2012, When President Brotherhood’s leadership were to epithinktank pave the way for another general under vague charges of “falsifying Mohammed Morsi appointed stand trial for “conspiring with foreign under false claims of safety measures. election. The terms of the new information” and news channels that Gen Sisi as general commander of organisations to commit terrorist In order to appease the masses Gen constitution provide for a President broadcast a different point of view Egypt’s armed forces and defence acts”, with prosecutors alleging that Sisi released statements stressing to be elected for a maximum of 2 from the military coups’ are banned. minister; it was seen as an attempt Mr Morsi formed an alliance with the the importance of ensuring social terms of four years each. The defence All steps are taken to keep the once to reclaim political power from the Palestinian militant group Hamas and equality. minister, however, would continue to elected President from garnering military, which had seized control Lebanon’s Hezbollah. Mr Morsi is also On 3 July, Gen al-Sisi, known to be from the military. the support of his countrymen or after President Hosni Mubarak was facing fraud charges in connection enjoy “strong ties with US officials on A respectable 38% turnout at the even the ability to explain his stance ousted. However, Gen Sisi publicly with the Muslim Brotherhood’s both diplomatic and military levels”, referendum was a tell-tale sign of and in return question his people’s warned Mr Morsi of another army economic and social programme for suspended Egypt’s constitution and people’s disgruntlement with constant impressionable minds. intervention if the government failed Egypt’s recovery, called Renaissance called for new elections. He was violence and instability in their Care Data: Live saving tool or invasion of privacy?

There is also a “small residual risk” drug and insurance companies, with Aamna Mohdin that patients will be re-identified. patients not being able to tell who has News Editor The assessment states that these their medical records or to what use risks can be mitigated by allowing their data will be put. Organisations patients to opt out by contacting their can apply to the new Health and Social he NHS has recently GP. The risk assessment concludes Care Information Centre (HSCIC) dispatched a leaflet titled that the benefits outweigh the risk. to gain access to the database and “Better information means The care data initiative will support if an application is approved then better care” to everyone economic growth by turning the UK the organisation will have to pay to in England. The leaflet into a “global centre for life sciences access the data. A process known as Tdescribes a new initiative, care data, in and health research” and creating a “pseudonymisation” occurs where which patient’s data from GP records “vibrant App marketplace.” some personal identifiers will be will be extracted and shared with the “The most valuable thing we have removed, but not enough to make the Health and Social Care Information in health and social care is data,” said information completely anonymous. Centre. The NHS hopes to roll out executive medical director of the The English database of medical care data in the summer and for the NHS Information Centre for health data will also include NHS numbers, first time in British medical history and social care, Dr Mark Davies, at date of birth, postcode, ethnicity and there will be an anonymised medical the healthcare efficiency through gender. Critics fear that this data can database which will include details of technology conference in October. be pieced together with insurers, every NHS patient – unless you opt Supporters of care data insist that pharmaceutical groups and other out. The database is hoped to achieve this kind of technology is essential health sector companies own medical better patient care and efficiency, but in order to provide an excellent data, essentially re-identifying certain a recent risk assessment published standard of healthcare. Large volumes patients. by NHS England shows that Patients of health records can transform the A Pulse survey conducted last week “may lose trust” in the confidential way in which diseases are treated and with nearly 400 GP respondents nature of the health service. managed. This is hoped to ultimately found a deep divide between those The risk assessment claims if the save lives because it will allow who support the care data scheme care data scheme is to go ahead researchers to track the impact of and those who don’t, with 41% saying then this runs the risk of damaging drugs and surgery on patients. they intend to opt-out, 43% saying patient trust in the NHS and making Privacy experts warn the trouble they would not opt-out and 16% information vulnerable to hacking. lies with the data being sold off to undecided. Guardian

10 FRIDAY 31 JAN

Editors: Philippa Skett, Keir Little, Fiona Hartley SCIENCE [email protected] A trip down memory lane Utsav Radia on why and when you stop remembering your early years

ave you ever wondered This process is believed to slow remember a greater percentage of why we tend to down immediately after birth (and early-life events, their narratives were remember some things then on throughout life) and is less complete. However, older children more than others? Our supposed to be crucially important – despite remembering fewer events – nervous system is a for memory development in infants. were able to describe the events they Hhighly organised, complex system of Children use their memories to learn did remember in more detail. Several neurones (units that communicate new information; however, very few possible explanations have been put via electrical signals), their dendrites adults can recall events that occurred forward to explain this observation,

(highly branched outgrowths) and before the age of three. Sigmund Freud such as improved language skills and tony piro, calamitiesofnature.com support cells called glia (involved in coined the term “childhood amnesia” reinforcing of synaptic connections processes such as maintenance and to describe this observed loss of recall with each subsequent recollection of protection). It is estimated that the of events in the infant years. these memories. human brain contains around 86.1 An experiment run by a team of The analogy used by Professor billion neurones, with some capable psychologists at the Emory University, Bauer was that of pasta draining in of having up to 400,000 dendrites. led by Professor Patricia Bauer, a colander: “Memories are like orzo In the developing embryo, documented early autobiographical [rice-sized pasta]... as the water rushes undifferentiated precursor cellsmemory formation in children out, so do many of the grains of orzo” develop to form the neurones and (starting at the age of three and then whereas adults use a “fine net instead glia. What is fascinating about successive years) to determine the age of a colander” to retain many of their these processes is what follows the at which these events were forgotten. memories. differentiation phase: up to 50-70% of Their findings, published in the Although we may be closer to neurones can undergo programmed journal Memory, show that children knowing the changes that occur self-destruction – apoptosis. This between ages of five and seven could between early childhood and adult concept of neurones being remodelled recall more than 60% of early-life memories, the precise timing of this and constantly forming new synaptic events, whereas children who were change is yet unknown. Professor connections is known as synaptic eight to nine years old remembered Bauer ended her interview by saying, plasticity – it is speculated that this less than 40% of early-life events. “We’d like to know more about when occurs to fine-tune the connectivity in Interestingly, they also found that we trade in our colanders for a net.” Rat neurons stained with a green chicken antibody the nervous system. although children aged five to six could DOI: 10.1080/09658211.2013.854806 EnCor Biotechnology Inc. NASA, ESA, J. Lotz Space Telescope Science Institute (STScI) Agrand genome: the new cost of genome sequencing

market leader for genome sequencing technology has developed in this time. Cambridge, Massachusetts is amongst of 100,000 individuals, many with Chris Yates technology, revealed their HiSeq In fact, for many applications the rate- the first customers. genetic diseases, by the end of 2017. Science Writer X Ten Sequencing System, which limiting step is no longer sequencing This development could also bring A total of £100 million was pledged to they claim will be able to sequence the genome but in analysis of the large down the cost to labs that outsource deliver this goal, meaning the falling a human genome for just $1000 and amount of data generated. their sequencing, undercutting the cost of whole genome sequencing is In 2003, the Human Genome Project with the potential to sequence 16 Unfortunately, the figure of $1000 price offered by competing company a step in the right direction for this was declared complete. At a cost of human genomes in three days. per genome only applies if you buy Complete Genomics by around 80%. project. While Genomes England, around $3 billion and taking 13 years, Just five years ago, the same a set of at least ten sequencers at a Another sequencing company, the company set up to bring the 100k for the first time we had a sequence of company was offering whole genome cost of around $10 million. This is Oxford Nanopore (ONT), does not yet Genome Project to fruition, is not on around 99% of the human genome. sequencing for around $50,000 outside the reach of many academic have a sequencer on the market, but the list of customers to have already On January 14, Illumina, the per genome, showing how far the labs, although the Broad Institute in caused a stir last year by announcing ordered a HiSeq X Ten, the promise plans for the GridION, an affordable of $1000 genomes at a fast rate seems desktop sequencer that would deliver tailor-made for them. the $1000 genome. The decrease in sequencing cost They also described the possibility is also promising for the field of of MinION sequencers that could personalised medicine. The risk of fit into USB sticks. Using nanopore developing many diseases, such as technology, a fundamentally different cancer and diabetes, is to some extent system from those currently available determined by your genetics. methods, these sequencers have been Additionally, some drugs only released on a trial basis but have error work in patients with certain genetic rates of around 1%, making them variants, while some variants are unsuitable for most applications. associated with increased risk of side As this is improved, however, it effects with some drugs, including seems likely that ONT could become statins, a widely-used group of anti- a rival to Illumina, who are developing cholesterol drugs. their own nanopore-based method In the future, your GP could use after selling their shares in ONT last your genome sequence to help decide November. which medications to use, as well as to In 2012, David Cameron announced help determine whether you are likely

businesswire.com the 100k Genome Project, an ambitious to be at risk of developing a genetic project to sequence the genomes disease. FRIDAY 31 JAN 11

@Scifelix

FelixScience SCIENCE Do you want brains with that?

Anand Jagatia takes a look at prions, the bad behaving proteins

rions (rhymes with several varieties. In rare cases, about prions is the way they replicate. “neons”) are really mutations of the gene for prion Not all prions are infectious – the interesting proteins. protein may cause disease, but the normal kind is found in many cells They can also bemajority of the time it is exposure to throughout the body, especially the very dangerous. The infectious prions is to blame. “Kuru”, cell membranes of neurons. But nameP is a derivative of the words a disease endemic to tribal areas of prions can also exist in a misfolded “PROtein” and “INfectious”, and Papua New Guinea, is probably the state, and this is the kind that leads as the etymology suggests, they condition with the most gruesome to disease. cause a group of infectious illnesses, history – it is believed that the spread According to the popular scientific called “transmissible spongiform of the disease among the Fore tribe view, infectious prions can act as a encephalopathies” (TSEs). was due to the cannabilistic funeral scaffold for normal prions to misfold Encephalopathies are diseases of the rights practised by its members. The themselves, and this chain reaction brain, and spongiform comes from incidence of infection was found to be causes the infection to spread the fact that over time, tiny holes much higher in women and children, throughout the brain. appear throughout the cortex of the who were generally given the less Once misfolded prions are formed, victim – just like you’d see in a sponge. desirable body parts to eat, including they clump together in big chains Prion diseases are degenerative the brain, where most of the prion called amyloid fibres, which are toxic and always fatal. Probably the most matter is concentrated. to cells and cause them to die. The famous example is the bovine variant, Misfolded prions are also extremely prion hypothesis is still controversial, BSE, or “mad cow disease”. The UK stable and can’t be destroyed by heat, because all other infectious agents, epidemic of the disease, which began so cooking meat doesn’t prevent (like viruses) need RNA or DNA in 1986 and led to a ten year ban on infection. Despite claims of the UK to replicate themselves, but it does the selling of British beef, was the government during the BSE crisis seem that prions can be infectious result of feeding cattle the mashed that infected beef was completely safe without containing any genetic These prions may look pretty, but they can be deadly too remains of other slaughtered animals to eat, there have been 175 reported material. (including bones, brains and spinal cases of the human form of the To date, there has been little headway paper in the Journal of the American For the first time, their research cords). The feeding practices led to disease in the UK since the ban. Most in explaining how all this might Chemical Society, outlining how sheds some light onto the early stages the spread of prions from infected of these cases are thought to be linked happen. Recently though, scientists they used small proteins, called in the mechanism of prion misfolding, to healthy animals and accelerated to consumption of beef infected with from the Prion Biology Laboratory in nanobodies, to stabilise misfolded which might be the first steps to transmission of the disease. prions. Italy have made promising progress. prions and then used X-rays to explore understanding how these peculiar Human forms of TSE come in Scientifically, the puzzling thing Last week, the group published a their structure. proteins are so deadly.

Ancient traces of water found on Mars

Since it landed in a crater on the made significant discoveries. In James Bezer Meridiani plains on January 25 2004, December last year, it encountered Science Writer Opportunity has sent 170,000 images evidence of a huge lake that existed back to earth, alongside data from its around 3.5 billion years ago. Much two spectrometers, which can analyse like Opportunity’s recent discovery, or a vehicle designed to the chemical composition of soil the water had a neutral pH, and last just 7 earth weeks, and air samples. Its many significant contained key elements vital for life Opportunity has done discoveries include the first meteorite on Earth, such as carbon, nitrogen and remarkably well. Ten years ever seen on another planet, and soil phosphorus, potentially making it an to the day since the rover layers similar to structures on Earth ideal place for microbes to live. The Ffirst landed on the surface of Mars, that appear to have been caused by discovery prompted John Grotzinger, its new analysis of some of the the movement of wind and water in project scientist for Curiosity, to oldest rocks ever found there show the distant past. It has also performed describe parts of Mars as “extremely environments potentially suitable for a detailed analysis of the Martian Earthlike”. life were around on the planet much atmosphere through tracing of argon So far though, while many potentially earlier than we previously thought. gas. habitable environments have been The samples, estimated at over Opportunity has travelled 25 miles found on the planet, no complex 4 billion years old, contained clay from its original landing site to the organic molecules – the building minerals, rich in iron and aluminium, Endeavour crater, where its most blocks of life on earth – have yet been

that suggest the red planet may have recent results have come from. Its detected. Such a discovery could mars.nasa.gov been much warmer and wetter in the path has been guided by data from provide the first direct suggestion that The Mars Opportunity rover has surpassed all expectations very distant past. the Mars Reconnaissance Orbiter, a some forms of life may have existed According to the mission’s Deputy NASA satellite that can take highly there in the past: one of the key aims huge temperature fluctuations make keep going for another few years yet. Principal Investigator Ray Arvidson: detailed photographs of the planet’s of Mars exploration. Mars an inhospitable location for any “There’s more good stuff ahead,” said “these rocks are older than any we surface. Nobody knows how much longer piece of technology. Many electrical Steve Squyres, Opportunity’s principal examined earlier in the mission, Opportunity is one of a number Opportunity has left until its systems components have stopped working, investigator. “We’re examining a rock and they reveal more favourable of craft currently analysing the begin to stop working. Its twin, Spirit, and one of its wheels is broken. But right in front of the rover that’s unlike conditions for microbial life than environment on Mars. Its larger which landed around the same time, despite this, Opportunity’s condition anything we’ve seen before. Mars any evidence previously examined by cousin Curiosity, which landed in stopped sending back information four has deteriorated relatively little keeps surprising us, just like the very Opportunity.” Gale crater in July 2012, has already years ago. Intense dust storms and recently, and it is fully expected to first week of the mission.” 12 FRIDAY 31 JAN

Editors: Philippa Skett, Keir Little, Fiona Hartley SCIENCE [email protected] Shine bright like a vagina Philippa Skett on the silver lining that is coming to a crotch near you

hat’s hard, disarming the way in which the virus the host cell to tackle the virus, but metallic and transmits its genetic material, by halt- can stop it in its tracks long before cel- found down your ing its transmission through the cervi- lular infection. pants? Despite cal mucous membrane. The cream currently has shown the common HIV is a retrovirus; it infects cells signs of success when tested on sam- answerW to this usually referring to by injecting its own RNA genome into ples of human tissues, but some issues some sort of recreational, copulation the target cell. The RNA is then used still remain. Even if any inflammatory mimicry device, perhaps owned by a to make strands of corresponding side effects of creams for such a deli- maternal figure, this time, the answer DNA to incorporate into the genome cate area are fully overcome, there still may in fact be an anti-viral cream. of the host. This injection of RNA is remains the costs of future clinical tri- A new cream containing silver na- only possible if the virus can adhere als to consider too. noparticles is currently being devel- correctly to the cell membrane of the However researchers are hinting oped that may control the transmis- target cell, which for HIV is a subset that the cream could be preventive of sion of HIV. After previous research of immune cells known as CD4 cells. the transmission of many other sexu- demonstrated that silver particles can CD4 cells can have various func- ally acquired viruses, like the Human hinder entry of the Human Immuno- tions, but are so-called because of the Papilloma Virus, or even for bacterial deficiency virus into a cell, the idea to glycoprotein on their surface, called agents that may also be stifled by silver incorporate it into a cream to ward of Cluster of Differentiation 4. This sur- nanoparticles. the virus followed shortly after. face glycoprotein binds to another on However, the uses of the cream could Researchers from the University of the HIV surface, called GP120, which outweigh the costs should it prove to Texas have developed a vaginal cream ensures HIV latches on to those im- be a success. Not only could the cream that once applied, can take effect in mune cells to transfer its precious be used as a barrier during sex, but it less than a minute and can offer even RNA cargo. could also be applied to gloves to pro- offer protection for up to 72 hours. This is where silver comes in. Silver tect those dealing with contaminated images-of-elements.com Not only that, but despite being tar- nanoparticles act as a microbicide, blood too, or for those in the medical The contents of your pants could one day look like this geted for vaginal application, because and attach to GP120 to block its ad- profession to wear in surgery or clinics it effectively inactivates any traces of herence to other proteins. A novel dealing with STI patients. bedside table. However, it may only be delivering not just protection but pos- HIV, it can also protect any sexual feature of this HIV treatment is that For now, the cream is still confined a matter of time before this life-saving sibly a bit of class too: no-one can say partners too. It does this by essentially it therefore doesn’t actually act within to the laboratory as opposed to the salve is slathered all over your hands, no to some silver lining in thier pants.

Do you find yourself sitting and waiting for the conversation to swing back to science?

Max Hunter Maybe you secretly love science... Drop us an email – [email protected] And we will take care of you. FRIDAY 31 JAN 13

@feliximperial FelixImperial WELLBEING

Weathering the Storm

Marissa Lewis Wellbeing Editor

This week’s wellbeing section is going to focus on cycling safety. In recent months, cycling has been in the news following a spate of deaths in London, many of which involved incidents between cyclists and heavy goods vehicles (HGVs). At the last meeting of the Union Council, the Union adopted a stance to lobby for improved cycling infrastructure as the lack of safe cycle routes is a problem for many of our students. As a cyclist myself, I can say with confidence that cycling PA into College has a great number of benefits, not only Cycling can make you look as cool as these guys for your physical and mental health but also your bank balance as you avoid the (ever-rising) TfL fares. However, it doesn’t come without its drawbacks as, although I’ve been fortunate to have not been involved in any serious accidents myself, I can’t say the same for my friends. I Top Tips for Cycle Safety think one of the most difficult realisations that I’ve had since starting cycling is that no matter how competent you become on a bike, you can’t control other people’s Many students pick up cycling on moving to Imperial, usually when they realise that there aren’t many affordable student flats in South actions and ultimately in a competition between a cyclist Kensington. The tips below are aimed at students who have recently started out cycling in London, so seasoned cyclists may want to look and a motorist, the motorist will always win. Still, there are a few steps we can take, especially if we’re just starting out, to help ensure our safety on the roads. Practice makes perfect Getting a bike for the first time as a Londoner can be exciting – you’ve just graduated into the lycra-clad elite. However, before you hasten out into rush hour in central London, it’s a good idea to just have a quick practice around a quiet suburban area or park first. Make sure you don’t venture out until you’re comfortable raising either arm for a turning What’s On This Week in signal and you can look over your shoulder while still cycling in a straight line.. Suit up Stress Less Ok, lycra isn’t a necessity but it is true that cycling in winter can be rough – it’s cold, it rains and the wind can be a nightmare. At a bare minimum you can make do with a lightweight waterproof you can stuff into a bag and a decent pair of gloves. A helmet and reflective clothing are both very good ideas from a safety standpoint although not legally Mindfulness Meditation - 4th & 11th Feb mandatory. An introduction to meditation not connected to religious tradition. Gives simple ways to practice meditation in daily life. Run by the Imperial College Chaplaincy team. All Stress Less events are free. There’s no need to book - Beware the lorry just turn up! Lorries and other heavy good vehicles (HGVs) pose a significant danger to cyclists, mainly due to the size of their 13.00 - 14.00 in Chplaincy multi-faith centre blind spot. For a really good demonstration, check this out: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Y9E1_1M-qhU. The advice around HGVs is ‘stay safe, stay back’ and be particularly wary about passing on the left even if they are stopped at junctions. Meditation Made Easy Workshop - 5th Feb De-clutter your head space with a meditation skill you can use at your desk, at home or before an exam. This session is run by Inner Space (meditation Be assertive and personal development centre). It is anticipated to be popular so please You may have seen the signs advising cyclists to ride a door’s width from parked cars at bus stops around the Union. arrive early to avoid disappointment12.00-12.45 This seems like pretty sensible advice but on the narrow roads around South Ken, I’m sure I’m not the only one who’s 12.00-12.45 in Meeting Room 3 (Union Building) faced the odd impatient driver coming up behind you and making their presence known. Although it can be tempting to move right over to the left so they can try and squeeze past you, this is wrong. Cars should not be passing you if it is unsafe to do so - on narrow roads, you are within your rights to move into the centre of the road to prevent dangerous Stress Less workshop - 5th Feb overtaking if you think it’s necessary. This quick session explores strategies to slow down, have more of a work- life balance and strengthen your stress response. This session is run by In- ner Space (meditation and personal development centre). Keep calm and Keep safe, be seen rise above it all. This session is anticipated to be popular so please arrive Lights are a legal requirement for cycling in the dark and should also be used in the rain or when it is overcast. Good early to avoid disappointment. practice seems to be a steady front (white) light and either a steady or flashing (red) light with accompanying red 13.00-13.45 in Meeting Room 3 (Union Building) reflector. Wearing light-coloured or reflective clothing also helps.

Free massages in the Zen Lounge - 6th Feb Find your way Drop in for a free massage, kick back and relax with our chill-out music. If you’re new to cycling and are used to getting the tube or bus, you might not be aware of the most cycle-friendly way This is a work free zone. Massages are available between 12:00 - 16:00. into College from your house. The site www.cyclestreets.net allows you to plug in your start and end address and it will 11.00-17.00 in Metric (Union Building) generate routes for you based on your need for speed or the quietest roads which is really valuable when you’re starting out or travelling somewhere new. Drop-in Arts and Crafts session 12.00-14.30 UDH Release your inner child with our fun arts & crafts session. Have a go creat- Get the BUG ing fun thumb-print characters, a Valentine ‘s Day card or a funky robot. Imperial College Union’s Bike User Group is a project that represents and runs events for cyclists. You can check them Mathematical colouring-in will also be available. No artistic talent required out here: https://www.union.ic.ac.uk/presidents/icbug/. As well as providing advice, you can sign up to their mailing (imagination optional). lists to hear about events such as the bike auction, Dr Bike sessions (mechanics that provide free checking and repair 12.00-14.30 in the Union Dining Hall (Union Building) of bikes) and police marking when they take place on campus. 14 FRIDAY 31 JAN

Editors: Eoghan J. Totten, Tessa Davey COMMENT [email protected] International Developments Hugo Paquet explores international development

here is little doubt that the presence of youth. when development involves On average, 60% of the population the empowerment of in the world’s poorest countries are communities and spread under 25 years old and are persistently of innovative ideas, lives affected by the problems that stem Twill be changed. From the poorest of from poverty. From unemployment the poor to the war-torn regions of to HIV risk to poor governance, the the globe, issues concerning people’s problems that young people face are needs and rights interlink each and only exacerbated further by the fact every one of us. When the standard that young people are frequently of living and quality of life suffers in overlooked or excluded from the the face of issues such as healthcare, decision making practices that directly food scarcity and education, then impact on their lives. Corruption onlookers beyond borders must within schools often means quality act. Contributing to international education is only available in exchange development is of paramount for a sex act, or a back hander, and for importance as we head into mid 21st many young women there is often no century. From technology to policy or other option than engaging in risky and social movements, progressive reform exploitative activities.But when given can take many guises. The introduction the opportunity, young people can and of large-scale, low cost vaccination young people do. Which is why, at the to lower infant mortality, or strains Imperial International Development of crop designed to survive harsh Conference 2014 we want to turn conditions to provide agricultural the focus to the amazing things livelihoods both exemplify actions young people are doing globally to be Not only this but they are providing insight into the dynamic change that no less than to gain a huge amount that have lessened huge health and recognised as the solution to many of a tool to empower youth to be active can result when youth, science and of knowledge and to be swept up in environmental burdens on developing the world’s problems, and how young participants in developing their technology intersect. Centred on the youth led revolution. You do not countries. Yet, these reforms make the people are paving the way for change. country, to voice their opinions and ’Harnessing Youth Power and Science have long to wait either, as early bird news for their scale and involvement Technology is also a huge driving force ideas about economic growth, and to & Technology for Global Change’, tickets (until this Sunday!) are flying of international governments. Dig for change. From instant messaging, promote social stability. a series of talks and panels will aim off the shelves. This is one event in below the surface and you’ll find a to mobile-phone based sexual health to reveal the true worth of youth the Imperial calendar that you do not whole host of progressive movements lessons and solar drive technology On the 15th February, highly empowerment and technological want to miss out on! that are revolutionising the face of for refrigerating vaccinations, tech acclaimed academics in the growth in developing countries. development. And most of the time based solutions are helping to address international development arena, Prepare yourself for no holds barred Details of tickets and speakers at these can be identified by three key some of the problems frequently from leading universities, institutes question sessions, heated debates www.imperialidc.org, facebook.com/ features: community, technology and encountered in developing countries. and NGOs, will offer up an incredible and inspirational speakers and expect ICIDC, twitter @ic_idc. In defence of Justin Bieber

video to Beauty and a Beat mars it such a good person, but he’s evidently I’m not saying you should love him enjoying it. Even if you don’t declare Tessa Davey a bit, but the inappropriate use of not a great demonstration of good for the same reasons that a besotted it outwardly, let him have that little Comment Editor Nicki Minaj brings it back, and I’m behaviour. He’s been filmed with a fourteen year old girl does; he loves his warm spot in your heart. pretty sure that his music triggers my Brazillian prostitute, arrested for mom, he’s proud of where he comes And face it; he’s just damn cute! seratonin production, it makes me racing supercars through the centre from, oh he’s just like me, he loves Look at that little face! Like a foolish, happy. While I’m sure that conclusive of Miami while under the influence candy too! But don’t hate him because hapless puppy that keeps running into love Justin Bieber. There, I said it, proof is not priority research, I’m sure of drink, drugs and prescription he does stupid things. His purpose is a window or barking at a mirror, I I outed myself as a Belieber. I am it’s not just me that feels this way. Yes, pharmaceuticals, and had a capuchin ultimately to entertain, and whether think he’s adorable. I can’t wait to see a self-confessed fan of The Biebs. it’s painfully cheesy, but that’s why it’s monkey confiscated at the German it’s because you’re fawning over him or what ridiculous thing he gets up to I know that this proclamation so wonderful! border. His fans regularly threaten and ripping him to shreds, you’re probably next. generally elicits a fairly strong His merchandise is a demonstration intimidate anyone who they perceive Ireaction, but let me defend this view of some of the most successful as a threat, and despite their obvious before you cast me out to the place marketing in history. He’s made hysteria (at least calling it Bieber Fever where Directioners go to die. millions from the ability to get little sounds vaguely sinister), he hasn’t So I’ll start with his music. This is girls to fawn over his products. taken any and all necessary steps to probably his weakest point, let’s be Every single item that bears his name staunch his idolaters. Obviously he’s honest. It’s mostly pretty terrible, is arguably horrible, but what it not someone you should hold up as designed to draw out those girlish represents is magnificent. I can’t help a shining example, but what nineteen squeals from teenage girls. The vast but admire someone who’s managing year old is? Few teenagers ever come majority of the songs that he releases to make a fortune and take over the close to experiencing the levels of in the States do fairly badly here; world, purely based on the parental fame, money and power that he has. you never hear them on the radio or persuasion powers of little girls. He’s ignorant and completely removed played in public places (except maybe Extending from that, he’s so polarising from reality, and any mistakes he TammyGirl, or wherever these just- that he’s somehow managed to target makes are magnified a thousand times. about-pre-pubescent girls shop these the ironic market without damaging He exists in a world where everything days). Despite this, it’s hard not to his success within it. Serious props to he does is publicised immensely, but admit that some of his songs are whoever managed to do that! he is ultimately faultless. Everyone distressingly catchy. You might find Yes, these things are part of the does stupid things when they’re the vocals grating, but who doesn’t Bieber brand, not The Biebster himself. nineteen, but for most people the love a bit of Baby (baby baby oh) now So what about him? The hardcore range of shame extends at most to a and again? The horrendously cheesy Beliebers might love him because he’s couple of degrees of separation. yeahwallpaper.com FRIDAY 31 JAN 15

@feliximperial

FelixImperial COMMENT Sorry for droning on...

40 times total Cuban GDP, strangled fact. Who in Senate knew about the as it has been for half a century by an numerous murders in Pakistan and Christy Kelly economic embargo. What are these Yemen in the deliberate campaign Writer plans? We will find out in Obama’s of war waged against farmers and state of the union address on Tuesday children and other threats to ‘national (time of writing is Sunday 26th Jan) security’. Well everyone, this civilised Do I argue that, while I may not and needless to say I am breathless in practice of modern warfare was approve“ of certain actions made by the US anticipation. Barack the builder, can approved in the House. But who t the time of writing, we fix it? Yes, we can! gets to judge exactly who gets, um, government they damn well ought to be the Guardian has just Yet bizarrely enough, there seems droned? Is there a vote every time a democratically approved, constitutional run an online story to be a whole host of other things that potential drone candidate is found? about Obama. It Obama has done without the express No; Obama has a ‘constitutional’ right and legal? No I don’t. I can’t imagine seems he is ready to approval of congress. No doubt many to act as judge, jury and executioner. anything more stupid. bypassA congress when it comes to his in senate would approve of the two For surely, Obama must be acting 2014 agenda. Dan Pfeifer, Obama’s American-backed coups in Honduras constitutionally? We may, err, senior advisor for strategy appears and Paraguay since Obama started disapprove of some of the more particularly ‘American’ in the most office, and perhaps they even largely abstract and less appetising moral or pejorative European sense of the knew about it, but I fail to recall ethical consequences of drone attacks, term: ‘We need to show the American express approval of any such actions such as: is it really fair for soldiers to it is simply ‘impossible’ to commit a radical Islamist American-Yemeni” people we can get something done… reported in the press. Similarly, the be able to kill targets from thousands crime as American President because Imam suspected of terrorism – though the President is not going to tell the assassination of Osama bin Laden of miles away without any risks to that’s the way democracy works. You actual evidence directly linking him to American people he will wait for without trial was not something themselves? Is it surprising when voted for me so shut-up and quit a terrorist attack is still forthcoming. Congress.’ trumpeted to the world until after the those soldiers, from thousands of whining. For four years I, as American Rest assured, he was guilty of thought miles away, end up killing the ‘wrong’ President, have a God given right to crimes – he approved of suicide people? But, I suppose, as I have assassinate, torture, extraordinarily bombing – so he was ‘really’ a terrorist, argued before, ethical considerations render, and misabuse the English even if he wasn’t really a terrorist. are a luxury only affordable to the language. Since Clinton, I can even I thus presume that Abdulrahman Where was it for all the various comfortable, and we shouldn’t let such change the meaning of sex. Al-Awlaki, al-Awlaki’s son killed in a “issues Obama spoke of that made abstract scruples worry us when our You see the US, by virtue of being the drone attack two weeks later at the age very way of life is at risk from, um, US, is allowed to kill people in other of sixteen while eating in a restaurant us-on-the-left so delighted with the Islamo-fascist fundamentalist evil countries without trial. Especially if with his cousin and friends, was guilty fashionable young black presidential Jew-demon monster people. Have you they are not white, though the good of blood crimes. That is guilty by not seen Four Lions? men and women (wouldn’t want virtue of being the son of his father. candidate five years ago? Where was Because, to get back to the point, to be sexist – American women The people criminal justice system Obama, as a trained constitutional have the right to indiscriminately will be glad to have found such a this single minded determination when it lawyer and recipient of the Nobel kill Arabs too!) of the CIA can get sure-fire way of making their jobs that came to Guantanamo? Or the healthcare Peace Prize must surely be innocent over their scruples if it is a matter much easier. And don’t worry, even if of any crime? Would an American of ‘national security’. These matters there was no official backing from the reforms? Or the economy? President, the most powerful transcend such petty things such as Senate, the Senate’s majority leader individual in the world, knowingly constitutional rights, as was clearly assured Candy Crowley on CNN that commit a crime? Nixon knows better: shown in the case of Anwar al-Awlaki, sixteen year old Abdulrahman got Suitably gung-ho for a president what he deserved. who saw a number of high profile Before I conclude, there are two gun crimes in 2013 and refused to things I would like to clarify. Firstly, I use the word gun, even in his ‘angry’ ” wrote about Abdulrahman and Anwar and ‘heartfelt’ speech condemning al-Awlaki because Jeremy Scahill these err, unspeakable, crimes. But has told their story and could do so then something struck me about this because they were American citizens. new gung-ho attitude… Where was Many of the less fortunate, those it for all the various issues Obama born in Pakistan or Yemen, are killed spoke of that made us-on-the-left without so much as the tribute of an so delighted with the fashionable angry journalist, and certainly lack young black presidential candidate the exposure of the English language five years ago? Where was this single press. While the news can pick up on minded determination when it came the tragedies that paint a nice picture to Guantanamo? Or the healthcare about us (the fifteen year old Malala reforms? Or the economy? I thought shot by regressive misogynist Islamist the whole problem was that Obama fundamentalists in Pakistan and saved was essentially a good guy but in Britain) we are less likely to tell the held up by all those blood-sucking stories that see us as the guilty party. Republicans? Didn’t they shut down Secondly, would things be better if the the government last October? If American Senate voted on each drone Obama had the powers of dictator- attack approved? Or more unlikely, if elect, why for heaven’s sake (and this is the people of America made the same coming from an atheist), didn’t he use decision? Do I argue that, while I may them then? not approve of certain actions made Clearly his plans for 2014 were by the US government they damn well bigger and better than such minor ought to be democratically approved, issues as stopping (direct) US torture constitutional and legal? No I don’t. I or somehow making the efficient can’t imagine anything more stupid. private-sector health service in the Alas, with the ineluctable passage US better than Cuba’s. Incidentally in of time we have lost the right to 2011, annual government expenditure target whomever to those brash on healthcare amounted to over 17% young Americans. May they bear it of GDP in the US – something like dronewars.net responsibly. 16 FRIDAY 31 JAN

Editors: Eoghan J. Totten, Tessa Davey COMMENT [email protected] On trains and privatisation

is dangerous and illegal, but on commuter routes, is monopolised by other cities’, it’s also far cheaper. Tube oligopoly of energy companies raise transport, it’s seen as business as a single company. No competition trains may be crowded, but that’s prices frequently and in sync with Keir Little usual. Charging for a fast journey to drive down prices, no incentive to allowable on a ten minute journey, not each other, happily resisting any Science Editor is something I can understand, but improve services. a two hour one. This is no overpriced, political control. What point is there charging an eyewatering amount for Compare the London Underground, inflated bureaucracy: it’s a world- in having choice, if all the choices are overcrowding is despicable. a truly public public transport system, class transport system to be proud near-identical? My friend who lives in Stoke can and to some extent London’s buses, of. There’s no reason public inter-city The NHS is a particularly horrific he British railway system is take the same train as me, or a quiet, managed by private contractors, transit couldn’t be the same. case: now that the wide-scale use of the biggest example of the cheap one that takes a little longer. I but with fares and routes set by TfL. The naivety of the privatisation private contractors is in its remit, failures of privatisation. I’m have no such choice: the Manchester London’s transport is not only faster, argument doesn’t end with trains, it is subject to competition laws: not old enough to remember to London journey, like so many other more frequent and more reliable than though: the examples are many. The hospitals have been prevented from the change, but I’m sure the merging; neighbouring NHS Trusts Targuments were the same as those are forbidden from sharing resources; touted today for the privatisation of GP practices have been reprimanded other well-functioning institutions: for giving treatments to patients “private companies will run an themselves rather than referring them efficient service, and competition to private clinics. This, all in the name with each other will improve that of supposedly service-improving service while driving down prices.” competition, and at great detriment to This school-level economic argument us, its patients. hinges on consumer choice, but when Transport, energy and healthcare it comes to transport, there is none. are all essential public services, the I took the train home for Christmas. provision of which is completely at The Virgin Pendolino service got me odds with the profit-driven nature of there in an impressive two hours; privatisation. Public services have no however, even with a railcard and obligation to make a profit, nor do booking weeks in advance, it cost over they need competition: they should £50. It was the first non-peak train be accountable to government, of the evening, and was massively and ultimately to the public, not to oversold. People were sitting on the shareholders. Unfortunately, with floor, filling the aisles and blocking nationalisation being a dirty word the doors. Going to the toilet was to all of our major political parties, an exercise in jumping over legs and overcrowded trains and crumbling not treading on fingers. Filling a healthcare will be the norm for the lecture theatre to such over-capacity thelincolnite.co.uk foreseeable future. Confessions of a GTA: Part 9 Here, let me Google that for you... Actually, that’s not our job

worst thing about these people is The Google it: that they are normally quite good and These are quite often well-meaning The GTA their craving need for attention means students, who simply are not doing Anonymous other people who really are struggling enough work. They ask politely miss out. about something, but after about five seconds with them, it dawns on a GTA his week’s confession is The Impossible: they know absolutely nothing about pretty bad. Most of the These people believe that if a subject. The worst of these are the time I enjoy GTAing. they cannot do the question, it is packs, which fire off question after The students are nice and impossible. There is absolutely no question about stuff they should have unusually polite, but in point in checking their own work for done at A level. Thus ‘Google it’ quite Tevery class there are always students mistakes or checking with a friend, often comes to mind. you try to avoid. These have been because they are perfect and the getting more frequent and must stop question is wrong. Normally these will The Aggressive/Argumentative: for our sanity. So here are a few you have breezed through any prior work “I DON’T UNDERSTAND THIS”. might recognise: to a session, because it was easy, but Students like this are the worst. I strangely none of their answers match admit I met one yesterday and frankly The Safety Blanket: those given. felt I wasn’t paid enough to deal with These ones which catch GTAs like it, so I didn’t. This is an immediate spiders in a web. “Could you help me The Question Master: no brainer for a GTA. Raised voice, start this one off?” is normally a sure There is always one in every year. implying the GTA knows nothing or sign. Once they snatch you, that’s it, They are the ones who ask the arguing pointedly with us will send you are there to the bitter end of a questions after a terribly boring GTAs running. Good luck with this question. No matter if they are doing guest lecture, which is useful, as to tactic. great by themselves, they need the be honest, who can think of anything attention in order to be able to do any anyway? But during a marked lab or So please if you recognise yourself question. Their brains simply cannot demonstration, it is not the time. Keep or anyone else, please stop. Even work properly if there is not someone these burning questions for after, GTAs have a limit. GTAs are not there to act as your comforting unicorn blanket. on hand to sort everything out. The everyone else has to pass too.

full tubs, gyms in the hall, a trend in my view, created by private providers to increase their market share, pushing institutional provision away from their monopolies and into areas of the market where they control the rules. On one side people say, ‘Well, the students come from a home where they have Open Letter: Regarding the their own room and their own bathroom and they have their own everything’. On the other side, the real question is what we offer so that they choose to live in halls. Our job is, as a university, to make the living situation so attractive and such an important and integrated part of the college experience that everybody is going to want (or want their child) to live on the campus, at least for a year. Institutions that turned halls into luxury hostels faced many problems, particularly as they ‘lost’ students in their rooms, limiting the ways for the University to interact with them or to know what is happening there: Residential Experience Review people may be having huge parties in their suite or else getting totally isolated in front of their PCs. That should have been educational common sense in advance, particularly with reference to first year students, but when universities place marketing come-ons to students — “we give you what you want” — It has recently been announced that the College has set up a consultation process to review the “residential experience” at Imperial, with the purpose of ahead of educational objectives, it isn’t surprising that the result is disappointing. shaping the residential experience for students in College accommodation. In this ‘race to quality’ it quickly became clear that student accommodation is more than that. Recognised as an important part of the educational process, Halls of residence and wardening must be some of the most reviewed areas of College life, with a frequency that almost mirrors that of senior management the last few years saw the return of wardening systems in both University and privately owned halls trying to challenge the non-monetary value of changes. Even so, the purpose, timing and speed of this latest one seem rather alarming. You see, although one would expect that the purpose of any institutions’ historic monopoly on providing pastoral care, support, security and sociability. The 2009-10 NUS/Unipol Costs Survey concluded that “when review is to improve (or better, make recommendations for) what it is that gets reviewed, this one seems to differ. It aims ‘to shape the residential universities enter into agreements with commercial operators to provide student housing, they should find it important (as many do already) to ensure that experience’ but at the same time excluding from the process those who are at present instrumental in delivering it, this being as far as I can recall the first the level of service and support students receive is in line with that provided by the institution”. The ANUK Code for Educational Establishments (2008) residential review without a single warden on the panel. Announced days after the College’s announcement for the new President (Professor Alice similarly addresses the need to ensure that tenants clearly understand who is responsible for student care, with appropriate residential presence Gast will succeed Sir Keith O’Nions when he retires in September 2014, to lead the college’s strategy, and as part of this to develop the new Imperial West required in any residential development, which houses in excess of 150 students. Furthermore, the latest NUS/Unipol Accommodation Costs Survey (2013) campus and the College’s links to industry, philanthropists and alumni), the review is to be completed in time to be implemented for next year’s academic is revealing in terms of the significant increases in the availability of student bed spaces in the UK being private sector-provided, increasing from 4% under cycle. The residential experience affects all aspects of student learning and its importance to any institution’s strategy is well recognised; so what’s the 10 years ago (in 2003) to 39 % (79% of the 18,607 bed spaces that came on line in 2013). In light of this, the report warns: “It would be easy for rush? and while there are so many questions in the air: institutions to lose sight of what they are actually selling students in letting their own accommodation… If education institutions start to look like private suppliers, they stand to lose at least some of the market advantage which has traditionally come from student perceptions of the security that attaches Who are the wardens? What do they do? Why do we still have them? Do we really need them? and similarly: to renting directly from an education institution. If this happens, students will bypass the accommodation office and rent directly from a supplier. There is What are the halls of residence for? Do we need them? What is the college running them for? and so on… evidence that this is already happening ...” How I would describe what our halls and wardening aim to provide is simple: A HOME AWAY FROM HOME. At Imperial, students come from all over There has been one University that recently replaced wardens. In 2011, a team of 28 ‘Resident Support’ Staff (with no reference to ‘pastoral care’ or the UK and overseas, some from small rural towns and villages, and can often find London and studying at Imperial hard to cope with. Most have left ‘duty of care’ in their job descriptions) replaced 82 wardens at the University of Southampton, with staffing costs, at £824,000 per year, similar to the their homes for the first time; some are homesick and miss their families and friendship circles. Our halls at Imperial are living communities for first year cost of providing accommodation to the 82 wardens lost. All views were taken into account but did not determine the outcome of the decision (which was undergraduates aiming to ease the transition from home to university, from living at home to living on their own. to be reviewed after two years). In the words of the director who took it, it was a decision “not based on a democratic vote in the RSS nor by University wide consensus” but was “an informed business decision”. Any accommodation a University offers cannot by magic become a learning community. There is a clear need for systematic effort to facilitate the multi- cultural/multi-disciplinary nature of a hall of residence, with students residing together and supporting each other, resulting in a greater sense of connection This raises another serious implication when Universities shape the residential experience. Looking at the provision of student services at different Universities, to the place and to the University. Historically the provision of wardening has been central to this. This is a model that emphasises living arrangements institutional choices in treating students as customers or learners play a significant role in how students ‘realise’ the educational, residential and overall where subwardens and seniors live under the same roof, under the guidance of the warden, a member of the academic staff who also resides there. university experience. While we might argue that students are both customers and learners, the dividing line between the two has become dangerously blurred. Since the introduction of the ‘Blue Cube’ as a concept, a building and a management structure at Imperial, many share the view that it feels as if At Imperial, we do not believe that it is possible to draw an artificial distinction between academic and personal problems. Academic difficulties may the Faculty has passed all power to central administration, and although this could have worked, the dichotomy created with the introduction of the Hub lead students to display antisocial behaviours in the residence, or to become withdrawn; personal issues may have a deleterious effect on academic blurred even more the lines of decision making between College administration and Campus Services. performance. Because wardens and subwardens have all been through the university experience, they are able to reassure students that there are very few problems which can’t be solved if they are addressed soon enough, and that they themselves have probably experienced the same feelings of As a current subwarden and ex-president of the Union said earlier this year in his letter to the Rector, in reference to the changes in cleaning offered in uncertainty and alienation, doubts about whether the course they are on is the right one for them, etc. A resident will often feel that s/he is the only person halls ‘Whilst the central administration might not see students as cash-cows, the Commercial Services certainly do (re-branding to to suffer from a particular problem, and it can be a great relief to them to realise that this is far from the truth. ‘Campus Services’ fools no-one – the whole ethos of the department, not just the name, needs to change before any noticeable effect is felt)’. Strong words coming from students, but really not much of a reaction from us. In my view, there is going to be a point where a University really It is important that the warden or subwarden should not solve problems for the student, but should help them to discover how to do it themselves. Wardens must decide whether it is just another service provider or a community of scholars, and I think we have reached the point where we need to make that and subwardens are required to have a comprehensive knowledge of the University’s regulations and support services and, crucially, to understand and choice now. University experience and student satisfaction are not the same. Student satisfaction is of compelling interest to universities as they seek to identify the boundaries of their competence. They are not counsellors, doctors, chaplains, financial advisers, etc., but they know how to refer residents to continually improve the learning environment for students, meet the expectations of their constituent groups and legislative bodies, and demonstrate their those who are. Because wardens and subwardens are outside the resident’s academic line of authority, it is easier for him or her to approach them with institutional effectiveness, but unlike service industries, which hold satisfaction as a goal in and of itself, universities typically perceive satisfaction as a any concerns. Confidential discussions may take place without the personal tutor or their department becoming involved; this may later be necessary, but means to an end. Higher education tends to care about student satisfaction because of its potential impact on student motivation, retention, recruitment frequently issues can be resolved in an informal chat with the warden or subwarden. efforts, and fundraising.

At the same time, we are trying to create a situation in which students can form social connections — friendships, mentorships. We’re trying to achieve a On top of the above, one has to consider how Imperial, an international university which provides rigorous, intensive, and research-led degree courses in good balance between learning to be independent and also learning to live with other people. Part of the experience of living in halls is not to smooth science, engineering, medicine and business, located in London, with one of the largest estates of any higher education institution in the UK, is different in every way for every student. The conflicts that are naturally going to arise around who left their dishes in the sink, or who is messy, who is neat, who is many respects from other Universities. For example, there is much rhetoric about the link between research and education. Indeed, at Imperial we believe playing music, and who wants to study — all of those kinds of things are part of the skills those students are learning. it is essential to encompass and excel in both. However, there are might be many fine teaching-only institutions that offer students an excellent education, but the fact that an institution produces world-class research does not mean that its pedagogy will be research-led: peer interaction is critical, and the Of course, it’s not all about problems! Most students thoroughly enjoy their first year in College, the only year that they are guaranteed a place in halls. environment in which students learn important. Here, a residential experience has most to offer. Education does not stop at the end of a lecture or tutorial: Theory says that the first year shapes their overall University experience and is what drives their overall connection to it. Studying at Imperial, as with it continues through debate with one’s peers or students of different disciplines socialising in the hall. This is one of our halls’ unsung but great strengths. many of the top Universities, comes with hard work, and people have to quickly reach a balance between their studies and the fun side of their ‘freedom’ Again, if one looks at the institutions that regularly top the world rankings, they all have similar attributes: high-quality research, outstanding students (like away from family and home. Our role on this is to encourage students to channel their energy and enthusiasm into activities that do not conflict with their ours) and a residential experience that enhances both research and education. Although other types can do well in the rankings, the evidence suggests studies and which help them to relax, rest, make friends, and enhance their personal profiles as responsible young adults. All halls have hall committees; that they do not make it to the very top. residents stand for election to these and, with the assistance of wardens and subwardens, organize the social, cultural and sporting activities of the hall. The election itself is a developmental experience, as students learn how to run the democratic process. The Committee ensures that activities are organised With the recent development of Massive Open Online Courses (MOOCs) in higher education, and the prospect that technology could fundamentally and amenities are managed in a way which reflects the wishes of all the residents of the hall. Annual dinners, trips abroad and parties in and outside the change how education is delivered, it is even more critical to understand the link between the residential experience and the academic one. We might hall between other numerous diverse activities and events are organised… The committee also keeps an eye on the members of the hall, telling the warden still be a long way from being able to train students to be scientists and scholars by online instruction, but the scalability and economic efficiency of online or subwarden if anyone appears to be unhappy or unwell. education is already causing a paradigm shift, with a new kind of mission for top universities. The leaders of Harvard and MIT that founded edX were quick to review implications to the residential experience in the future. After the launch of edX, the presidents of both Harvard and MIT emphasized that As wardens, we are here to facilitate a culture that aims to manage halls as lively communities rather than mere dormitories. Our overall aim is to work their focus would remain on the traditional residential experience. “Online education is not an enemy of residential education”, said MIT president Susan together with academic departments and College support to engage with students, merging their learning and residential experiences into a University Hockfield. Yet this statement doesn’t hold true for most less-wealthy or middle range universities. At institutions like Harvard, large investments are under one that they are proud of. Needless to say Imperial is not alone in offering this, to the contrary, the value of wardening provision is widely recognised by way not only to create the online courses of the future but also to renew the College’s residential Houses as places for students to live, interact, and learn. most Universities (all of the top ranking ones) as demonstrated by numerous benchmark surveys done by the College (the most recent ones in 2008 and The recently renovated Quincy building, which now houses about 180 students, has two new elevators and internal corridors connected horizontally 2011). Why the concern, then? you might ask; why be alarmed with another review? creating a new way for resident tutors to relate to their student neighbours and advisees, and for students to interact with each other. With several kitchen- equipped suites in the building for resident tutors; the vision for many improvements was to bring core academic activities into the House: its state-of-the- In the past half-century we have also observed a different trend in some universities, as the need to house higher numbers of students at lower cost led to the art smart classroom was championed by Michael D. Smith, dean of the Faculty of Arts and Sciences, member of the HarvardX leadership committee and erosion of the traditional halls of residence. As they became more centralised and bureaucratic, the oversight of campus life within them had been largely member of the board of directors of edX. hived off from the faculty to a class of full-time residence ‘life managers’. However well-intentioned these officials have been, because they are detached from the academic structure of the university, evidence shows they have not been able to create meaningful educational environments for students. Even Whether the predictions of how education will look in the future prove right, nobody knows. The only way to predict the future is to have the power to more noxiously, some universities have come to see campus residences as income-generating tools analogous to parking lots and vending machines. For shape it. In that respect, I hope that the on-going review will open rather than close the doors to the necessary discussion we need to be engaging in now. more than a generation these deep structural flaws have cheated students out of the most important thing a university can offer them: sustained contact Imperial has a great history of residential experience and urgently needs to have its accommodation provision realigned with its academic mission. The with their teachers in a rich and diverse educational environment. review process could start by understanding who we are before deciding what we can be. The potential for Imperial to place itself amongst those top Universities that will lead the future, is here, and it’s the choices we make now that will determine if we will be able to reach it. Shaping the residential With the danger of British education losing its appeal to international students, such systems are often heavily criticised for creating a real conflict experience for the College is critical. Everyone should engage in this discussion. As long as decisions are not being taken for us, and we are all involved particularly with the image of UK education sold abroad. For a long time the UK has been able to rely on the reputation of British education to keep in the process, we should be able to shape our future and have nothing to fear. applications rolling in. But competition has been intense. North American and Australian universities, many of which have gone back to residential systems, recruit aggressively throughout Asia, and in University rankings a strong performance from Asian countries has prompted warnings that the UK’s *Dr Nick Voulvoulis is the Warden of Southwell & Bernard Sunley Hall, and Reader in Environmental Technology at the Centre for Environmental Policy. He has been the Warden of Southwell Hall since global success is at risk without greater investment to see off such “fierce competition”. 2003 and Southwell & Bernard Sunley since 2011 when the halls merged. He was Subwarden and then Assistant Warden in Garden Hall from 1997 and till 2003 when he moved to Southwell. He was the Chairman of the Wardens’ Committee between 2003 and 2011, and is currently responsible for ‘Legacy and Alumni’ for the Committee. We have also seen luxury dorms becoming very popular for a while — rooms tricked out with all the amenities, like double beds, private bathrooms with Camembert all with us at CheeseSoc Every Thursday in Metric, 12:30 - 1:30 22 FRIDAY 31 JAN

Editors: Eoghan J. Totten, Tessa Davey COMMENT [email protected]

This week we eschew the common editorial model to write the following: Write for Felix It’s really not as hard as it looks, see:

We’re really keen to get more people on board, whether expert writers or first timers! Come on and give it a go!

#ironicYOLO FRIDAY 31 JAN 23

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FelixImperial ARTS AMAZING, IN CAPITAL LETTERS divide his kingdom between his three around wearily with suitcase and Clara Clark Nevola daughters based on how much they sleeping bags throughout the Writer love him. performance, helicopters and military The eldest two (think Ugly Sisters planes roaring overhead. from Cinderella) start proclaiming The cast is amazing. Am I allowed to What: King Lear their love, while Cordelia, the use capitals for that? It’s AMAZING. Where: National Theatre, SE1 youngest, answers honestly but with It’s so rare to see a cast in which every When: 23rd January to 28th May no exaggerations, stating that she single character is strong and real Price: Various loves him as a daughter. Lear gets and doesn’t over dominate the stage. angry, disowns Cordelia and send Russell Beale is an outstanding Lear: her off, penniless, to marry the king despotic in his military, unpredictable s I sat down in my plush of France. The Ugly Sisters pop manner but touching in his self-aware theatre seat, tucking my off to enjoy their new kingdoms, ageing. He creates a Lear that we can kiddy school bag under refusing to host their dad and all his all relate to, the dementia ridden old my legs, I suddenly felt rowdy knights. Lear’s slightly losing man, refusing to give in to his age. very small. Everything the plot by now so he strops around But Mendes again works his aboutA the evening ahead of me having fights with everyone and magic by making this production a seemed designed to dwarf me: the ends up falling out with all three of snapshot of life, rather than a play cavernous Olivier theatre, the word his daughters and many of his close about a man. You will witness the famous director Sam Mendes of friends. Not good. Add to this a side- unravelling of a State, a court and American Beauty fame, the BAFTA plot of the Earl of Gloucester being a family, with the effects this has on winning Simon Russell Beale in the tricked into disowning his son on every person involved. And in the main role and, of course, the play the advice of his illegitimate son and three hours betrayal, madness, age, itself- King Lear. More than 400 years you’ve got quite a lot to be going on loss, poverty and homelessness will old, it has been performed in all the with. dominate the stage, with faithfulness, major theatres on the globe and has The beauty of this production is filial love and forgiveness fleetingly been interpreted by the greatest that at no point you’ll be scratching counterbalancing the scenes. actors in Britain, both on stage and your head wondering who’s who and From its origins, this is what theatre on screen. what is actually happening. Mendes has been all about. Bringing life, a So it was with trepidation that I has created a seamless production- a life you cannot or might not want to leant back in my seat for the three perfect production. The stage set is experience, to a place where you can hour performance. And, almost minimal but effective, creating a dark do so fleetingly - the stage. immediately, I forgot my qualms as I world which gradually disintegrates Here you’ll experience a dark, war- became enveloped in a complex, dark under civil and international war. revenged, gory world full of death and captivating world. Playing on the strong 20th century and betrayal but you will experience For those of you who are struggling imagery of refugees and military it so incredibly vividly that as you to remember which of the many dictatorships, stage designer Anthony make your way along the South Bank Shakespeare plays King Lear is let me Ward uses the vast Olivier theatre on leaving the theatre you’ll blink, give you a quick lowdown. Lear, King to its full potential, with groups amazed, at the happy, shiny London of Britain, is getting old so decides to of soldiers and civilians tramping that meets your eyes. MARK DOUET Russel Tovey shines in The Pass

isfied about his life despite his foot- performers are on either end. Christopher Hong balling achievements. But the play The choice is not always an easy Writer covers a wider scope and looks much one with the excellent cast. Russell deeper at the role of money and suc- Tovey is outstanding as Jason, man- cess, especially how it enables one to aging to convince as the youngster control and manipulate the media full of innocence and optimism in What: The Pass and those around. the first scene. It is also played with Where: Royal Court, SW1 The play explicitly draws on the ex- suggestions of thoughtfulness that When: 13th January - 5th March ample of Jimmy Savile as to the ex- enable him to transform believably Price: £20, £10 Mondays tent of the appalling behaviour which into this calculating and cold mon- some of the rich and famous get away ster in the subsequent acts. Gary with. All these are handled in the Carr’s Ade is understated and mel- ith the latest play with great skill, mixing subtle lows as years go by. Lisa McGrillis revelation from look and gesture with overt excess plays the WAG type dancer with a Thomas Hitzl- in confrontations and debauchery. mix of strength and vulnerability sperger, and Tom Although the writing occasionally and at the same time, holding onto Daley’s recent wanders and becomes distracted a degree of dignity. Nico Mirallegro announcementW that he is in a gay re- with details, it soon snaps back to its stands-out playing the smaller role as lationship, the topic of high profile core message and story. the off duty hotel worker Harry, join- MANUEL HARLAN sportsman and homosexuality is cur- The direction by John Tiffany in- ing in with Jason’s excesses. Miralle- rently much discussed. This new play more than just friends and team- rated from his wife. By then, his star corporates his usual choreographed gro’s story of a stag party in Krakow by John Donnelly is set over a 12 year mates. A few years later, at the height has waned and he is battling with scene changes performed to music is beautifully delivered. period of a professional footballer of Jason’s footballing fame and suc- injuries, looking for a club that will with a heavy beat. The arrangement This is a thoughtful look of modern Jason’s career. It begins on the even- cess, he spends an evening with a ta- take him for a final season or two. of the audience on the opposite sides celebrity culture and observations on ing before his first appearance for the ble dancer in a hotel room with dubi- At first instance, it can be seen as a of the central stage alludes to a foot- the topical subject about machismo team, sharing a hotel room with a fel- ous intentions. In the final act, Jason play about a gay footballer having to ball stadium, and provides some of sport. It is delivered with wit and low debutant and friend Ade. Their invites Ade to catch up in his hotel conform to a heterosexual footballer interesting possibilities for the au- craft, with a good dose of danger and relationship is perhaps something room where he is living, having sepa- stereotype, ending up being dissat- dience to choose their focus when tension. 24 FRIDAY 31 JAN

Editor: Cécile Borkhataria FASHION [email protected] A little something for the boys The banker stlye is back again. Time to get rid of your topman gear and channel your inner Patrick Bateman.

Cécile Borkhataria Fashion editor

f you’re like most people who love the cinema, you’ve probably seen the Wolf of Wall street by now. Most girls I’ve spoken to thought it was shocking yet so entertaining, but when I talk to guys about Iit they say they they’re absolutely mad about it. They WANT to be Jordan Belfort and live that raucous plane orgy, cocaine snorting, prostitute ringing exhuberant lifestyle that he did. Well, I can’t teach you how to become a billionaire banker wanker, but I can certainly show you how to dress like one. Yacht-cation

All work and no play may apply to Imperial, but Marks and Spencer, not in the banking world. When the work day is- £59.00 done, play hard on your yacht: here are your style essentials Navy pinstripe Italian Wool Suit Jacket , Sartorial pure wool 2-button dinner £230.00, Banana Republic suit, Marks and Spencer, £199.00 Matching trouser, £120.00, Banana Republic

Slim fit mesh polo, Ralph Lauren Slim fit chino’s, uniqlo £65.00 £29.90 Argyle Sutherland repp Classic Khaki straight fit Slim secret wash shirt in Fine oplin shirt, uniqlo Pleated front slim fit dress shirt, slim Tie, Brooks Brothers in pool, Gap, £39.95 autumn coral, J.Crew, £19.90 mytuxedo.co.uk, £24.99 £79.50 £65.00 In the office Casual drinks Tuxedo time Look smart in the office (or at that job interview) The art behind a smart casual look is all in light Every aspiring, dapper man needs to have a tux- in a pinstripe suit. Team it with a basic white colours. Team some casual chino’s with a light col- edo in his closet for the numerous dinners and shirt and statement tie and people will start mis- oured blazer and you’ll look like you belong in a parties he’ll be going to for corporate functions. taking you for Gordon Gekko in no time. Ralph Lauren ad in no time. If you’re running low on cash for your usual Boss 2-eye boat shoe,Timberland tuxedo, have no fear! M&S offer great reasonably £100.00 priced options. The shoe makes Accessory essentials the man These black dress shoes are a multi purpose winner and can be worn for a formal work set- ting, pesky assessment centres, fancy dinners, parties, and for post work cocktails. Invest in a good quality pair and you wont regret it be- cause you’ll be wearing them all the time! A top tip would be to keep them polished and looking shiny whenever you wear them. Leather polish is relatively inexpensive but makes shoes look

Lions gate Films brand new everytime you theyir worn. Marcella silk self tie bow Medallion print pocket Such a good look Loake leather lace up tie, Thomas Pink, £45.00 square, Hackett, £40.00 brogue, Dune, , £150.00 Bike users Lock it or Lose it

D locks on sale at the Security Office Room 155, Sherfield Building £30 To College members RRP £89.99 One per person

Keep the bike parking areas secure! Please ask everyone you don’t recognise to show their id card if you let them in the secure storage areas

If you notice anything suspicious please call security on 4444 or 020 7589 1000 26 FRIDAY 31 JAN

Editor: Simon Hunter, Riaz Agahi, Stuart MUSIC Masson [email protected] Deer Tick (but no Lyme Disease) Stuart Masson reviews the alt-country band’s Garage performance

have managed to catch to. The average age was definitely a very little to me until I googled her. Providence based alt-country lot higher than my own, and the per- The two got married last December act Deer Tick a couple of times centage of men with beards and plaid with Stevie Nicks of Fleetwood Mac at festivals before. I allegedly shirts was mind-boggling. This meant officiating the ceremony. I couldn’t first caught them back in 2010, that the bar was a lot busier than at the think of a way of seamlessly dropping Ialthough the performance was majority of gigs (apparently old people that in, but come on, Stevie fucking unmemorable to the point where have lots of money to spend on drinks Nicks. That is knowledge worth hav- I actually have no memory of the for themselves and Jägermeister shots ing awkwardly shoehorned in. set. Of course, this could well not for strangers), and so, after a painfully The actual music was up to its usual be indicative of the quality of the Unfortunately I couldn’t find any knob pics long wait, my friend and I finally man- quality. Renditions of early fan fa- performance; I have forgotten any aged to get ourselves a pint and settle vourites Dirty Dishes and Ashamed number of mid-afternoon festival sets the guitar with his penis. Not even in for Deer Tick. went down an absolute treat. The over the years. slightly kidding. Genitals aside, the set The crowd were definitely pretty newer tracks were also generally well Deer Tick’s latest album, Negativity The second time I caught them was was incredibly good fun. I would say drunk again, but the band seemed received, including excellent perfor- a few years later, and at an even more I’ve never enjoyed sobriety at 3am so to be a lot more sober. This is most mances of The Dream’s in the Ditch thing was missing. I mean, it was a ridiculous time. They were doing a se- much in my life. obviously attributed to their more and The Rock. It was definitely further good show, but I can’t help but com- cret set at 3am in the smallest tent. To I was therefore really excited to catch sensible stage time, but they do have incentive for me to give the new al- pare it to the brilliance of the last describe them as drunk would be an them again at the Garage in Islington a reputation. It might not be cocks bum a proper listen. time I saw them, but this felt a little understatement, for which, given the last week. I should probably put a dis- slapping strings every show, but they The undoubted highlight for me was flat. Maybe it was the more subdued time they started, I really can’t blame claimer here that I am by no means an are well known for rowdiness. The a performance of These Old Shoes. nature of the band, maybe it was the them for. I was stewarding at the time, alt-country expert. My knowledge is more subdued set might be down to Taken from their 2007 debut album, atmosphere, maybe it was the new al- so I was (fairly close to) sober dur- limited to about three bands I’ve seen the presence of John’s wife, pop-singer War Elephant, it has long been my bum, maybe it was me. Whatever the ing the set. This means I remember at festivals and thought were pretty Vanessa Carlton, who even came on favourite Deer Tick track, and live it’s case, this time the stars didn’t align, with 100% clarity the end of the set, good. This meant that the crowd for to perform her duet with the band, In even better. and I couldn’t help but feel slightly where singer John McCauley played this gig was not quite what I’m used Our Time, although I admit that meant The whole thing just felt like some- disappointed. AMS album of the week Raving on About Mogwai Going to Shit

Bastions – Bedfellows Part 2: The Forgotten Daughter post-rock records. It was here that Stuart Masson things took an inevitable down turn. Ed: OK, so technically this week it’s Music Editor 2006’s Mr. Beast features most of EP of the week rather than album. the bands best known tracks, and is Sorry. ave is not a word I would certainly a really good listen. It’s not Since releasing Kingdom of Dogs ever have associated with exactly groundbreaking though, and in 2009 and Island Living in 2010, the music of Mogwai. As marked the point at which Mogwai Welsh four piece Bastions have people, it makes a bit more seemed to stop caring about being showcased a talent for writing bleak, sense. They has always ahead of the scene. Their albums up arty and desperate songs, a talent Rbeen a certain distance between them to this point stood in contrast to the they expanded on for their 2011 and the more pretentious attitudes vast majority of post-rock, but from full length release Hospital Corners. most post-rock bands employ. On a Mr. Beast onwards that stopped being Whilst previous releases have been Mogwai album, you won’t find made- the case. conceptually driven (Island Living is up languages (I’m looking at you Sigur In the years following that we’ve had post-rock number. based on living in a small town and Rós), songs about bizarrely specific The Hawk is Howling and Hardcore The rest of the songs here aren’t Hospital Corners is based on Bastions’ vocalist’s experiences working in a historical events (iLiKETRAiNS, Will Never Die, But You Will and really anything to write home about. mental asylum), none have been as bold as their two part Bedfellows series. and I could have picked on the now this one, Rave Tapes. They are all The main innovation that came with Released in two parts (started with 2013’s The Bastard Son), it tells a story stupid typesetting as well) or any of servicable albums, but they’re all quite Mr. Beast was the addition of vocals of two siblings unable to cope with being abandoned by their father. Partially the myriad of pretentious bullshit post-rock by numbers. Once you’ve on a few tracks. They kind of worked based on the institutionalisation of vocalist Jamie Burne’s grandmother, the Godspeed You! Black Emperor do. listened to Mr. Beast, or you know, there. Sadly, that is no longer the case. two EP’s delve into the mental health issues faced by the siblings. Despite Mogwai have always insisted they God is an Astronaut, you’ve kind of The only track here that has singing, being released a whole year apart the two parts work well together, both just make rock music. During live covered the territory. I’m not a fan Blues Hour, is a dreary pile of shit. The conceptually and musically, with the ep’s arguably representing Bastions performances, they talk about football of bands who just keep releasing the rest of the tracks are just forgettable. finest work. and other bloke stuff in between same material but slightly worse each It’s a shame, because I still have quite The Forgotten Daughter shows a grittier side to Bastions sound. Beginning songs. The idea of them going to raves time. If you’re going to start releasing a bit of space to fill, but there’s really with the brooding and swaggering Empty Vessels, contrasting Burne’s doesn’t sound completely nonsensical. poor albums, at least take a risk, and nothing I have to say about them. I poetic lyrics with bluesy guitars building to shouted climax. Foreign Bodies, Either they don’t go to raves, they are that’s something Mogwai don’t seem mean it’s also a shame because this is a Mothers Ruin and The Water Tower follow showing a nastier side to Bastions so out of it at said raves that they willing to do any more. band who I have loved for many years, sound with Foreign Bodies and The Water Tower featuring drumming that don’t know what happened or they I suppose I should say something and this has just bored me. wouldn’t be out of place in a Converge or a Cursed record. Mothers Ruin just didn’t put that much thought into about the music on Rave Tapes. Mogwai are still a credit to plays verses featuring almost droning guitar lines against choruses which their album title, because this isn’t It’s adequate. In fact, the opener, British music. I would certainly still feature Burne’s thin vocal style at its most desperate. suitable music for raves. This is the Heard About You Last Night is a recommend going to see them live. The EP doesn’t slow down until the fifth and final acoustic led track. same post-rock they’ve been chugging really nice track. With some ambient They are always loud as fuck, which Featuring a slow distorted guitar riff and again building to a climax before out for years. leanings, it reminds me slightly of the makes even their most mundane dying down to close the EP. Mogwai’s first three records, Young aforementioned Happy Songs which is material sound a bit more exciting. While no means a perfect EP, Bedfellows Part 2 showcases a band not Team, Come on Die Young and Rock a great thing (I appreciate how bitter They also still play loads of their old content with writing lazy drone riffs and utilising predictable beatdowns Action were all fantastic slices of I’m starting to sound, I’ve no intention stuff. On record, it’s getting to the to satisfy mosh bros but willing to push the artistic limits of the hardcore innovative exciting post-rock. Their of keeping it in check). The spoken point where me recommending them genre. fourth, Happy Songs for Happy People, word sample in Repelish makes for a is going to have to come with the Rob Garside is an absolutely beautiful record, and fairly refreshing listen, whilst Hexon standard hipster caveat: start with the stands as one of my all time favourite Bogon is legitimately a pretty tasty early stuff. FRIDAY 31 JAN 27

@feliximperial

FelixImperial BOOKS

Student Picks Neil Gaiman’s Sandman

Eva Rosenthal picks: The White Review: a literary magazine Maciej Matuszewski explores one of the

The White Review publishes a selection of new, ex- perimental fiction and poetry as well as interviews best and most influential graphic novels with writers, visual artists and musicians. I must ad- mit that I was initially drawn to the magazine itself as merely an object: the style integrates beauty and Comic books and graphic novels have a, simplicity and… oh the paper! Yes, the design would not entirely undeserved, reputation for almost make up for boring, commonplace pieces. not being the finest example of modern Not that it needs to. literature. Poor plotting, tired characters The first piece in the first copy I picked up was pre- and woeful dialogue still continue to ceded by a black-and-white photograph of a man, plague the medium. However, there have dead in the snow, with arms outstretched and hat ly- always been a small number of creators – ing several feet away from him. The semi-fictional such as Alan Moore, Warren Ellis and Neil account that followed, on the death-moments of the Gaiman – who have been held in much writer Robert Walser interspersed with thoughts higher regard than their compatriots and about hats on heads that would soon be rolling, was who have managed to elevate the medium written with a tenderness and pathos that stayed with into a respectable art from. Of these, I me as little twenty-first century fiction had before. have always admired Gaiman the most. I have since read in The White Review many insight- This is partly due to his versatility – as well ful, searching interviews that go beyond the scope as working on comics he is an acclaimed of what one might find in newspapers or even in the novelist and screenwriter – but mainly the slew of ‘pretty’, modern magazines. I am by no means because of his amazing writing talent. This in love with every piece of fiction and every poem talent is on fine display in one his earliest in the magazine, but their experimental nature and and most enduringly popular works, The the way they surpass in thought the mundanity and Sandman series. dullness of most contemporary fiction makes them Nominally set in the standard DC uni- worth the effort. verse, The Sandman graphic novels expand its mythology by creating the Endless – im- mortal anthropomorphic personifications of the seven basic driving forces of life and the universe. These are Destiny, Death, “Destiny, Death, De- struction, Despair, De- sire, Delirium and our protagonist, Dream... Morpheus”

Destruction, Despair, Desire, Delirium and our protagonist, Dream, also known as Morpheus. The story begins with our protagonist captured by human magician Roderick Burgess. The first sections of the story deal with Morpheus’ eventual escape and the consequences the consequences of the imprisonment of the Lord of Dreams on the universe. As the story progresses, however, Gaiman gets the chance to ex- plore the world of The Sandman further. be big mess. However, this is certainly quite rightly, strange and otherworldly, Send your submissions for World building is one of Gaiman’s great not the case here. Morpheus is the Lord over the course of the series we begin strengths. As in several of his other works of Dreams, and therefore also the Lord of to get to know and care for them. Their our newest regular fea- he draws heavy inspiration from many dif- Stories. On a certain level the entire series growth and development, and how this ferent mythologies and cultural traditions. is an exploration of humanity’s fascination links to the growth and development of tures! He takes great pleasure in mashing to- with stories. It therefore seems natural the forces that they are personifications gether ideas as diverse as Judeo-Christian that to explore such a wide range of ideas. of, is at the heart of The Sandman – and FLASH FICTION: Ultrashort mysticism, Egyptian mythology and Eng- The main reason, however, why all of this this is the series’ greatest strength. fiction up to 200 characters lish folklore. This is a world in which dif- works, is that Gaiman is such a brilliant The Sandman is one of the best and ferent divine pantheons compete for wor- writer. He skilfully juggles multiple plots most influential graphic novels out STUDENT PICKS: Send us up shippers and fairies coexist with ancient and – thanks to his crisp, witty dialogue there. It has spawned many of spin to 250 words on your favour- Greek witches and eastern djins and ifrits. and complex characters – manages to make offs and influenced countless fantasy ite book and how it changed Building on an existing foundation allows every one of them individually interesting. works. Even the list of fans of the se- you Gaiman’s creation to be far deeper than While many of these plots initially start out ries who have contributed introduc- would otherwise have been possible and disconnected, Gaiman’s great achievement tions to the collected editions of The [email protected] the combination of the various disparate is eventually drawing them all together in a Sandman – among the Samuel Delany, elements gives lends it colour and a bizarre way that provides a satisfactory resolution Gene Wolfe and Stephen King – reads uniqueness. to all of them. I won’t spoil the ending but like a who’s-who of the best modern One might think that, with so many I will say that its focuses centrally on the speculative fiction authors. This is a competing influences, the result might characters of the Endless. While they are, must read. 28 FRIDAY 31 JAN

Editor: John Park FILM [email protected]

Jack Steadman vs. Jack Ryan The Brothers Grim

participating in illegal underground John Park street fights and getting mixed up Film Editor with some very unpleasant characters who don’t take kindly to unpaid debts. Director Scott Cooper is nowhere near done yet. For the film’s major Out of the Furnace source of conflict, something that kicks our protagonist into gear is Director: Scott Cooper the mysterious disappearance of his Writers: Bret Ingelsby, Scott Cooper brother. The brutal fist-fights Rodney Starring: Christian Bale, Casey has gotten himself mixed up in are Affleck, Zoe Saldana, Woody run by Harlan DeGroat (Woody Har- Harrelson, Willem Dafoe, Forest relson), who is a nasty piece of work opening line, the opening line, I tell with your brain firmly in ‘whatever, Whitaker, Sam Shepard played so disturbingly brilliantly by Jack Steadman you, comes from a student who says, I don’t even care anymore’ mode, it’s Runtime: 116 minutes Harrelson. There is most certainly a Treasured Writer quite simply: “You’re American, aren’t actually pretty fun. The sins of the Certification: 15 real sense of danger whenever this you? I’m sorry, mate.” HE’S TALKING past hour fade away, and the kicks of unpredictable, trigger-happy villain ABOUT 9/11. I MEAN SERIOUSLY, decent tension manipulation (even if appears, and that he’s lurking around COME ON. WHO LET THAT ONE this is obviously a film where the hero the tightly-knit community of the Jack Ryan: Shadow THROUGH? It’s certainly no “As far always wins) and neatly-handled ac- Ramapo mountains which virtually Recruit back as I could remember, I always tion take over. It’s nothing spectacular, Shocked to see how Christian Bale shields him from the law, is an even wanted to be a gangster”, is it? No, and it certainly won’t win any awards, was a ‘fatman’ in American Hustle? more troubling prospect. Director: Kenneth Branagh it is not. But I digress, and I digress but it works. It does exactly what it’s The clearly dedicated actor is back His father and girlfriend gone, and Writers: Adam Cozad, David Koepp, thoroughly and in block capitals. meant to and nothing more. to a healthier looking shape in Scott now his brother missing, Russell ig- Tom Clancy (characters) The script’s terrible, let’s just leave it The real saving grace for the film Cooper’s highly depressing thriller nores the advice of Sheriff Wesley to Starring: Chris Pine, Keira Knightley, there. Or not – one last jab. It tries comes from Chris Pine’s earnest per- that highlights that not all of America stay away and let law enforcement do Kevin Costner, Kenneth Branagh so hard to be cool, to be the kind of formance. He doesn’t quite own the is a land of opportunity. No protago- their job. Teamed up with his uncle Runtime: 105 minutes breezy, effortlessly suave film that it role, not like Harrison Ford did, but nist here can catch a break in this Gerald Baze (Sam Shepard), Russell is Certification: 12A probably should be, but the one liners there’s room for growth, and with a grim, bleak look at what it’s like when out for answers and possibly for blood, are forced and the characterisation is better script the franchise might ac- money is tight and jobs are scarce. given the uncertainty surrounding thinner than a slice of Sainsbury’s ba- tually take off again. Kevin Costner’s Russell Baze (Bale) is managing to Rodney’s circumstances. sics processed ham (for those of you a complete badass, of course, but he’s make ends meet with his blue-col- The glacial pace at which it moves fortunate enough to be able to afford let down by an otherwise boring role, lar factory job in Rust Belt, a part of works to the film’s advantage in its ‘actual’ ham, that’s thin). as is pretty much everyone else. Keira America that doesn’t appear in the build-up, setting the general scenery, The latest entry in the Jack Ryan fran- Everything about the first half of Knightley gets completely shafted usual flashy, glamorous depiction. but when it comes to actually getting chise (a character who shares with the film screams ‘I am terrible’. It with hers, while Kenneth Branagh’s With his sick, dying father to look on with the important crime-solving, James Bond and The Doctor the habit feels almost impossible to care about villain just isn’t scary. His motivation after from home (a sure dig at the thrilling part, Russell starts taking of being played by multiple different any of the characters. The first bout feels somewhat lacklustre (side effect ever-so-criticised American health- charge, gets his hunting rifle out, and actors with varying degrees of respect of violence does at least seem to be of that damned script), and his plan… care system, or the lack thereof), his starts to do some vigilante crime- for previous iterations) punches the given some form of consequences in whatever. I gave up at that point. It’s dream for a better life seems to be fighting of his own. Despite Bale’s big red ‘reboot’ button – for the second terms of its impact on Ryan, but after rubbish, is the long and short of it. slipping away. His younger brother typically strong, convincing lead per- time, with The Sum of All Fears tak- a couple of scenes of addressing this The direction is competent (which Rodney (Casey Affleck) is a soldier formance, there is too much back and ing the same road over a decade ago, (extremely bluntly) that’s it, it’s done. is a pity – Branagh passed on Thor about to be deployed to fight for his forth meandering of the narrative, and only this time it doesn’t even bother to And even then that glimmer of some- 2 for this, and it really feels like a country (again, something that hints too much relies on contrived plot de- use one of Tom Clancy’s many novels thing deeper gets wiped out by the missed opportunity on that front), the at the government’s failure to take velopments to move forward. as inspiration. Nope, for the second fact the choppy editing almost makes soundtrack is generic and the visuals care of its citizens). The only positive Plus there are far too many wasted reboot in a row (which should really the fight unwatchable. The sole re- are… functional, so calling Shadow aspect here is his girlfriend Lena (Zoe characters and actors to mention. Zoe be telling Hollywood something, but deeming feature is that it’s bad enough Recruit somehow greater than the Saldana), who is eager to start a fam- Saldana’s role is completely thankless whatever – money talks, and The Sum to be funny, not just bad enough to be sum of its parts isn’t saying much. But ily with him, although he’s hesitant for and somewhat unnecessary, given of All Fears made a lot of it), we’re bad. So you can at least laugh at how it is, it really is. It relies far too heav- obvious reasons. how quickly she’s written off, it’s con- treated to a brand spanking new, orig- terrible it is. ily on you possessing the dual ability The set-up alone is dark and depress- fusing to see why Forest Whitaker was inal story. Oh, how I wish they’d used And yet, after that first half, some- of laughing at terrible films and then ing enough. And it truly is a shock to cast in a role that doesn’t end up being one of the books. how, Shadow Recruit redeems itself. switching off into a mindless pop- see such desperate individuals stuck in at all crucial, the same goes for Willem There’s little point in beating around The story remains utterly appalling, corn entertainment mode, but if you a perpetual cycle of hardship. But then Dafoe and Sam Shepard. the bush, and Shadow Recruit cer- but by that point, if you’ve got any do have that capacity, then it’s decent, what happens? Something to make it Out of the Furnace finds its best tainly doesn’t, so here goes: the story sense, you’ve stopped caring. Fortu- and worth a watch if you have two all worse for everyone involved. A fa- scenes when it pairs up the siblings. here is terrible. There are almost no nately, so do the writers. The far too hours to waste and haven’t seen The tal DUI lands Russell in jail, and whilst Affleck is outstanding in the wound- redeeming features. It’s dull, it’s un- wordy setup gives way to the payoff, Wolf of Wall Street or Inside Llewyn serving his time, Lena has moved on ed, traumatised role, and with Bale, inspired, it’s so patently predictable and it’s almost worth it. A restaurant Davis (or pretty much any other big with Sheriff Wesley Barnes (Forest the two embody the difficulties and and by-the-numbers it’s just (pain- scene that mixes in with Ryan break- film on at the cinema) yet. I really wish Whitaker), his father passes away, and hardship of an everyday working man fully) funny. The script features some ing into the baddie’s headquarters is I could pay it higher praise than that. Rodney, returned from war, is suffer- and their relationship provides some of the most painfully on-the-nose dia- nicely tense and almost engaging, be- A decent action flick let down by a ter- ing from post traumatic stress disor- heart-breaking insight into how it’s logue since pretty much forever. The fore the action finally kicks off. And rible script. der, not quite settling into civilian life, not a wonderful life they lead. FRIDAY 31 JAN 29

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FelixImperial FILM

Survive at all costs Imperial Cinema

John Park Film Editor

Lone Survivor

Director: Peter Berg Writers: Peter Berg, Marcus Luttrell (book), Patrick Robinson (book) Starring: Mark Wahlberg, Eric Foster, Taylor Kitsch, Emile Hirsch, Eric Bana, Alexander Ludwig Runtime: 121 minutes Certification: 15

Even those with an entirely under- even within the relatively brief scenes adrenaline-fuelled combat. back on that. It’s not an unbiased film standable objection to Hollywood’s designated to develop each character, It starts off simply and swimmingly by any means, but it at least steers never-ending, contrived war films the writing ensures that they all stand enough for the Americans, with their clear from overly glorified heroism. ramming American patriotism down out within the group, all of them with high-tech weapons loaded and pick- Pro-military? Sure. But it’s more than The Hunger Games: Catching Fire everyone’s throats should check out their own individual strengths to con- ing off one bad guy at a time, but that. It’s pro-humanity. Pro-camarade- Peter Berg’s latest modern day mili- tribute to the unit as a whole. soon they are forced to take cover and rie and brotherhood. These men were Catching Fire sees the next installment tary drama. It is turning out to be Their mission should have been a start jumping into rocks and valleys brothers in arms, they were trained to of the mega hit adaption of Suzanne one of the more financially successful simple one, and yet a chance encoun- to escape the incoming hail of bul- never give up under any circumstanc- Collins’ bestselling Young Adult series contemporary war films, after the less ter threatens to unravel the entire op- lets. Every loud horrific thud, crush, es and yes it does sound corny, but starring Jennifer Lawrence et al. than stellar efforts of The Kingdom, eration. The unit encounters harmless crunch and bang plays a huge part in given the time we have spent with the We start off back at District 12, The Hurt Locker, Rendition, In the Val- goat herders from the village where portraying an intimate, horrendously soldiers over the past couple of hours, looking as decrepit as ever. Katniss ley of Elah, The Messenger amongst their target is hiding out. Do they kill realistic, tense, continuous scene of the personal angle the film strives to (J Law) is still traumatized from her others. these unarmed civilians to not jeop- unflinching bloody, gore-filled action achieve is not only commendable but experiences in the arena and rightly Lone Survivor has a broad range of ardise their mission? Do they let them that never holds back. highly worthwhile. so, as she was both forced to kill and appeal. It is an intense, action-packed all go in accordance to the Rules of When people are shot, we see the Performance-wise, the four men are to watch as friends died in her arms. vehicle that goes above and beyond, Engagement and morality in combat? wounds. There is a lot of blood, torn outstanding. Particularly impressive Before she has any time to reflect giving its audience a lot more than the There is intense debate between the flesh, and even some sustained looks is Foster who, covered in all sorts of and properly grieve, she’s whisked expected material. The set-up is sim- four of them, as there no doubt would at the injuries too. When there are cuts, bruises and wounds, brings out off with fake bf Peeta on a victory ple: after a montage of United States be some heated argument amongst broken bones, they stick out and cause more energy and ferocity as the film tour of the other districts to spout Navy SEALs being put through all audience members too, but in the end immense pain. There is nothing neat carries on. Capitol propaganda in order to quell sorts of tough, gruelling army training the prisoners are set free, which trig- or slick about how the action devel- It’s incredibly well-structured, and the growing insurrection against the to be turned into the toughest fight- gers deadly consequences. ops, and the film is all the better for it. from start to finish by focussing on brutal, autocratic government of ers, we see four SEALs embarking on With the Taliban alerted, the four As the title suggests, there are the tough challenges these men face, President Snow. When this inevitably a recon mission to capture and kill a have no choice but to retreat and call deaths, a lot of them dragged out and there is an enormous sense of authen- fails, ruthless Snow has one more notoriously violent Taliban leader. for back-up. But military support is given the slow-motion treatment to tic excitement that lasts the whole way drastic idea planned to wrestle There is a fair amount of build-up virtually impossible when their com- bring out the tragedy. Possibly the through. back control: he decides to reap the before the four are dropped into the munications equipment fails to work only moments where the film slows contestants for the next Hunger Afghan wilderness. Marcus Luttrell in the harsh, wild terrains. Ultimately down, they provide much-needed Games from the pool of existing (Mark Wahlberg), Michael Murphy they are left to fend for themselves; breathing space from the fierce, un- victors, meaning Katniss and Peeta (Taylor Kitsch), Danny Dietz (Emile heavily outnumbered and disadvan- yielding shoot-outs. once again enter the blood-stained Hirsch), and Matthew Axelson (Ben taged, about to face the never-ending, Is the film pro-American? Why not. battle arena. Foster) clearly share a tight bond and relentless action scenes of hardcore, But the film tries its hardest to hold Catching Fire is a superior blockbuster not only because of its pulsating, thrilling action sequences but also because of the strength of its characters and its allegorical premise which is strikingly current. Best in show as usual is Jennifer Lawrence, although her Katniss is self-reliant and often stoic, her eyes betray the horror of her situation and her will to survive.

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Next Week Don Jon & Anchorman 2 30 FRIDAY 31 JAN

Editor: John Park FILM [email protected]

Director masterclass: Joel & Ethan Coen

Inside Llewyn Davis (2013) Peter Brook Inside Llewyn Davis is a film that fol- Star Writer lows the life of a musician struggling to get by in the Folk Revival Scene in New York circa 1960. It follows him The Coen Brothers have been able to through an awful few days, start- create such strong, individual voices ing him with locking himself out of a for their characters for so long now flat that he was staying with the cat. it’s hard to imagine a small town life Which he can’t return. It turns out he in America without thinking about has burnt many bridges and is gener- it in terms of Coen Brothers movie. ally disliked in the community. They have consistently been able to The first thing to mention is that create complex and compelling narra- Fargo (1996) Oscar Issac’s portrayal of Llewyn tives throughout their 16-film career Fargo tells the story of a man (Wil- Davis was fantastic; on top of this al- and everyone of them brimming with liam H. Macy) who wants his wife kid- most all of the songs were recorded dark, dark comedy. They have created napped so that he can take the ransom live on-set and are each played out a very cohesive body of work which money that his wife’s wealthy father in their entirety. Issac is clearly a very shares the use of many themes, tropes will pay. However, as is the norm with talented musician. Alongside this the and stylistic choices to the point that Coen Brothers’ films, it does not go to music is produced and writer T-Bone it is blatantly obvious when you are plan. The bungling kidnappers carry Barnett who created a litany of songs watching one of their films. They have out the kidnapping in a sort of violent that could just as easily been found on made a particularly strong use of mu- slapstick routine, which is as horrible a 1960s vinyl as in a the writings of a sical and dance numbers that have as it is hilarious. It opens with the title modern film and includes one hilari- come to head in their latest work In- card and then this message ous ‘space race novelty song’ that is so side Llewyn Davis. “THIS IS A TRUE STORY. The silly and so of the time. events depicted in this film took place Unfortunately, despite many inter- Blood Simple (1984) in Minnesota in 1987. At the request The Big Lebowski (1998) esting facets it turns out that Llewyn Opening with a situation found of the survivors, the names have been This is the cult movie of our genera- Davis is quite an unlikeable guy and throughout the Coens’ work, a con- changed. Out of respect for the dead, tion. There is so much hidden joy in spending this much time with wasn’t versation taking place in a car on a the rest has been told exactly as it oc- every scene and so many quotable always very fun. Unlike last week’s The long straight road. The conversation is curred.” Now I actually think this is a lines, it’s no surprise that this is still on Wolf of Wall Street, where we spent between a married woman and a man total fabrication and at the time in an heavy rotation at the Prince Charles time with the unlikeable Jason Belfort, who is not her husband as they drive interview and the real reason this title Cinema where you can go to drink there was a strong didacticism and the to a motel for a liaison. The husband card is there is explained by the this white Russians, wear a dressing gown point was clear that his behaviour was finds out from a Private Investigator quote from Ethan: and say repeatedly “Shut the fuck up unacceptable. Here there didn’t seem who he subsequently hires to kill them “If an audience believes that some- Donnie!”, “That rug really tied the to be any strong message or point, and both. However with double crossing thing’s based on a real event, it gives room together.” and “That’s just like, though the Coens are known for put- and chaotic misunderstandings we are you permission to do things they your opinion, maaaan.”. It has some of ting deep hidden meanings in their left with a darkly comedic piece with might otherwise not accept.” my favourite hallucination scenes as movies, this was being irritatingly wonderful thriller edges. The killer is There are some terrible cold-blood- well, there is nothing like a large scale obfuscating. Also the narrative arc also an archetype who we see again ed killings in this film by the typical bowling themed 1940s Hollywood wasn’t just confusing but seemed to and again in the Coens’ work; cold and psychopath archetype and his bum- Musical with all the dancers in amaz- totally lack cohesion. Though there is calculating often with psychopathic bling talking kidnapper buddy Steve ing costumes set to Kenny Rodgers. a lot to enjoy, I would argue that this tendencies. Specifically in No Country Buscemi, they almost have a J and Si- This is arguably the Coens’ most isn’t one of the brothers’ best. for Old Men where the duo have been lent Bob repartee, except they both kill famous and deserves all the praise it praised by forensic psychiatrist Sam- people. The big star of this movie has gets. uel Leistedt for portraying one of the to be the yocal pregnant cop, played most true to life depictions of a psy- by Frances McDormand. She has chopath in any movie. been written wonderful dialogue for her comedic Minnesota accent and is the character we sympathise with the Barton Fink (1991) most and just puts in an utterly stellar This film is wonderful; it is the per- performance. This film also deserves fect combination of the Coen Bro’s specific mention for its cinematogra- wonderful writing, dark humour and phy by the Coens’ long time collabora- strangeness with the brilliant produc- tor Rodger Deakins. Who makes these tion design of a Wes Anderson film. It desolate snowy backdrops infinitely follows a very political playwright who beautiful and as such the violence that sells out by moving to Hollywood to occurs in them all the more perverse. write for a studio. It follows his writ- ers block and his almost literal descent into hell. There is also a favourite Coen actor here too – the gabbling John Goodman. We quickly realise that John Turturro’s character, the writer Barton Fink, is unable to write any- thing on demand and is a very closed minded person, but by the end of the film we wonder whether he deserves his twisted comeuppance. The film is littered with symbols, references and the cult following that it built up sets the scene for the incredible cult fol- lowing of The Big Lebowski. But first my personal favourite of the bunch…. FRIDAY 31 JAN 31

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2014 at the Oscars - we were robbed

Tom Hanks The Butler

First everyone thought a double- Early on in the race, Oprah Winfrey nomination was well in the works for was a sure front-runner to be nomi- Hanks, Best Lead Actor for Captain nated for and ultimately win the Best Phillips and Best Supporting Actor Supporting Actress award. Then 12 for Saving Mr Banks (he did play Walt Years a Slave came out when Lupita Disney). Then they thought nah... a Nyong’o practically stole the limelight double nomination could be too gen- off of Winfrey. Forest Whitaker was erous. So just the one for Captain also a favourite when the film was re- Phillips will be an easy score. Right? leased. Best Film, Best Director, Best But no, the Academy shut him out Screenplay, were all up for grabs but completely. So much for being a dou- alas, Lee Daniels’ The Butler walked ble-nominee eh? The miss for Captain away with nothing. That’s right, not a Phillips is a real upset and surprise single nomination for this inspired-by- however, since his breakdown in the a-true-story biopic of a White House film’s final moments alone should at butler. Shows even ticking all the right least have warranted a nomination. boxes doesn’t work sometimes.

Robert Redford Fruitvale Station

Yes, that’s Robert Redford. Robert The critical success at 2013 Sundance Redford a few decades ago but Rob- Film Festival was all but forgotten as ert Redford nonetheless. Redford has the dramatic retelling of the tragic in fact publically spoken out about killing of Oscar Grant was completely his lack of Best Actor nomination, overlooked. Not even a Best Sup- blaming the studio for not spending porting Actress nod to the deserving enough on marketing and promoting Octavia Spencer. Seems the hype and his performance in All is Lost, a one- attention surrounding the film fiz- man survival thriller at sea. Is he just zled out and couldn’t sustain its buzz being a sore loser? Perhaps, but he facing competition from strong De- does also have a point. All is Lost was cember films. It would have been a practically dumped by Roadside At- triumphant rags-to-riches story had tractions, its distributor, as it started this been given some sort of recogni- to perform less than ideally at the box tion, but Ryan Coogler’s debut feature office. A real blow to the veteran who will have to settle for a handful of Best clearly deserved a nod. Breakthrough awards.

Joaquin Phoenix Inside Llewyn Davis

There was love for Spike Jonze’s futur- There are some years when the Acad- istic science-fiction romantic-comedy emy cannot get enough of the Coen Her, but none for the leading actor brothers (just look at how they swept who made it all the more touching and the board in 2008 with No Country for gave it the much-needed human spin, Old Men). The same however, could deeper connection and understanding not be repeated for 2014, when their to a plot that initially comes off as be- latest folk-music drama Inside Llewyn ing too quirky and unrelatable. Was Davis only managed two nominations the Academy put off by his negative in technical categories (i.e. the ones no attitude towards the awards season? one outside the movie industry really Or was the competition really that stiff remembers or cares about). Not even this year? I say get rid of Christian Bale Oscar Isaac’s singing voice of an angel of American Hustle and replace him could sway the voters, and to be hon- with Phoenix for the absolute best of est, if that couldn’t do it, no film magic the best of 2013. So far no Oscar wins the Coens could conjure up would for Phoenix which is sacrilege. have scored anything.

Emma Thompson Rush

Perhaps the most shocking of all act- Absolutely nothing for Ron Howard’s ing snubs, Emma Thompson, putting critically-acclaimed Formula 1 biopic on an icy but incredibly moving and Rush. It was never going to be in for layered performance as P. L. Travers the big awards, but some nominations in Saving Mr Banks, was outrageously in the technical categories (cinema- ignored by the Academy. Sure the tography, sound, production design Best Actress award is definitely go- in particular) were certainly expected ing to Cate Blanchett, but Thompson and deserved. Plus some were hoping was sure to be a more than worthy for Daniel Bruhl to squeeze his way nominee. So who stole her spot huh? in to the Best Supporting Actor race. Amy Adams? Sandra Bullock? Meryl Sadly, nothing came to fruition, and Streep? Dame Judi Dench? The least the gripping James Hunt-Niki Lauda deserving on the list (though it breaks rivalry drama walked away empty- my heart to say it) is Adams. Trying to handed. Doesn’t mean the film isn’t compare Adams to Thompson is just a any good – your pulse will be racing laughable, unbelievable insult. from start to finish. 32 FRIDAY 31 JAN

Editors: John Park, Emily Fulham TELEVISION [email protected] Sherlock’s success: It’s Elementary? Emily Fulham considers a competitor to Sherlock’s crown

herlock’s third series female - companion. When Holmes debuted on New Year’s Day decides that the best way to spend to tremendous hype. After his recovery is to assist NYPD with two years of being off-air, solving crimes, Watson reluctantly fans were hoping that it accompanies him to provide support Swould match their high expectations. for the recovering addict. Now that the dust has settled on the The initial casting of Watson as a last of the three episodes, what was woman was met with controversy, the final verdict? not least of which came from angry As with anything, it depends who Sherlock fans. Steven Moffat himself, you ask. Sherlock seems to inspire writer and producer of the BBC mass hysteria in its fans: IMDB show, said he was ‘annoyed’ and gives it a rating of 9.3/10 from its worried about it ‘debasing’ the brand users and critical opinion, making it - presumably choosing to ignore the apparently better than The Shawshank many, many adaptations that had gone Redemption (9.2), The Godfather (9.2), before his, including a 1986 Disney and Casablanca (8.6). Unless I’m living film in which Holmes was portrayed in an alternate universe and watching by a mouse. This provoked retaliation a vastly different show to everyone from those who felt that Sherlock had else, I don’t think it’s so controversial lost its touch, or indeed had always to posit that Sherlock might – just been overrated, with the result that might – be a tad overhyped. before the first episode of Elementary The three episodes of the latest had even aired, it already had both a series met with generally favourable loyal fanbase and dedicated haters. reviews from critics, but divided So who was right? At the risk of opinions among fans. The Guardian pissing off the legions of Sherlock fans, described the final episode as ‘perfect’, I’m inclined to say that Elementary cbs but some viewers felt that the show’s has the edge over its predecessor. It’s writers were trying too hard to please by no means a perfect show, but is, in novels who, although dispassionate fans of Benedict Cumberbatch; I’m playing the doctor and his monster the hardcore fans of tumblr and the my opinion, far better than the try- and sometimes arrogant, is still prepared to admit that Elementary on different nights, so they have more like - the second episode was more hard, self-indulgent mess that thinks capable of sympathising with his isn’t for everyone. (Although, common ground than you might at reminiscent of some kind of bizarre it’s cleverer than it is, which is what clients and treating Watson with the incidentally, both Holmes actors - first realise.) However, for those others fanfiction than a detective show - Sherlock has become in recent years. care and respect of a friend. Benedict Cumberbatch and Jonny Lee who found themselves watching while more casual viewers were left One of the big differences between Elementary’s main weakness lies in Miller - starred together in a recent Sherlock and wondering if they were baffled at what the point to the ninety the two shows is the character of its format: Owing to it being a crime theatre adaptation of Frankenstein in maybe missing something, it might be minute episode had been. Sherlock Holmes himself. The oft- procedural, episodes can seem at which the actors alternated between worth a try. Then there was a third opinion repeated ‘high-functioning sociopath’ times formulaic, with each following offered up: Sherlock might have lost of the BBC adaptation is callous, cruel, a fairly standard ‘crime of the week’ its touch because, in its long two and seemingly incapable of forming a storyline. This is somewhat offset Five things we learned from the year hiatus, a better successor had meaningful relationship with anyone by the way that the victims are very come along. There have been no except John Watson - who, even then, rarely faceless bodies, and the help of new ‘Game of Thrones’ trailer shortage of adaptations of Sherlock he still treats with a disturbing lack of a strong supporting cast. Holmes since Arthur Conan Doyle disregard. The partnership between Another initial concern with the published his novels: in the past Holmes and Watson in Elementary show was that the decision to have 1. Joffrey is still a little shit five years alone, we’ve had the films is far more equal, with Joan Watson’s Watson played by a woman was made With his marriage to Margaery Tyrell looming on the horizon, everyone’s starring Robert Downey Jr. and compassion and resilience providing to facilitate a romantic relationship most hated character still has no idea of any of the responsibilities involved Jude Law, BBC’s Sherlock, and now a balance to the thornier personality between her and Holmes. Thankfully, in ruling Westeros. We can’t help but feel that Margaery might be more Elementary. Sherlock was novel of Holmes, who demonstrates the show’s creators have already said than a match for him, though. in that it transported the crime- repeatedly that he can learn from outright that a romance between solving detective to the present day. others and is even occasionally – the pair is not on the cards and 2. Jon Snow knows something Elementary takes things one step shockingly – nice. While this may be never will be. Joan Watson is a well- further, with an alcoholic Sherlock hard to imagine for anyone familiar rounded, sympathetic character, Now reunited with his fellow brothers of the Night’s Watch, Jon Snow is us- Holmes, played by Jonny Lee Miller, up with Cumberbatch’s portrayal, it in sharp contrast to virtually all of ing the insight he gained during his time with the wildlings to help prepare and moving to New York, where Lucy actually bears far closer resemblance Sherlock’s female characters, who are the Wall for an impending attack. Liu is Joan Watson, his sober - and to the Holmes of the Doyle’s original defined entirely by their relationships to the two main (male) characters. 3. Jaime Lannister looks damn fine with Steven Moffat has been criticised short hair for his writing of women on several occasions, both in Sherlock and the He may be lacking a certain something in the limb department, but the new Doctor Who. Sherlock’s Irene Prince Charming of the Lannisters is still capable of wooing the ladies even Adler was a often-naked lesbian without his golden mane. Shame he’s got eyes for no one except his sister. dominatrix who inexplicably falls in love with sloth-faced Benedict 4. There’ll be some unfamiliar faces Cumberbatch, culminating in her Get ready for some new characters, including Oberyn Martell (nicknamed being rescued by him at the end of her the Red Viper) who is set on revenge for his sister’s death at the hands of storyline. Elementary’s Irene Adler, Gregor Clegane. played by the brilliantly cast Game of Thrones’ Natalie Dormer, is, without 5. When it’s on giving anything away, an ingenious take on the character. The first episode is set to premiere on HBO on the 6th April, and will air I realise that there are those who’ll the following day on Sky Atlantic. Get ready... winter is coming. Heartthrob Benedict Cumberbatch demonstrates why the ladies love him bbc remain unconvinced, not least big FRIDAY 31 JAN 33

@feliximperial FelixImperial GAMES DayZ Stories Gemcraft: What a gem!

think strategically, or you can spend mana to instantly unlock any colour Imran Rashid you wish for the duration of the level. Games Editor Gems can be upgraded to increase attack speed, attack damage and at- tack radius, and upgrading the gems Gemcraft Labyrinth is the 3rd Chap- brings about a different shape gem. Maximilian Eggl ter of the epic tower defense series of A new addition to the labyrinth Games Editor Gemcraft from Game In a Bottle. Gem- chapter is the ‘apparition’. These are craft Labyrinth offers a deep gameplay rare innocuous beings that sporadi- with its combination of strategy and cally appear on a few maps that fly into The DayZ standalone has been RPG elements making it easily one of and out of your view during the game. released, and given the amazing the best tower defense games of 2013. Destroying apparitions gives you up- stories that occur in that game, I The basic gameplay of Labyrinth grade points directly. Upgrade points decided to make a kind of series remains the same as the Gemcraft can be used to acquire advantages out it! So here it goes: series: Monsters of various types that last through the entire game such will approach the orb on the map by as increasing your mana pool at the means of meandering pathways, and start of every game or increasing the Episode 1: it is the gamer’s job to place gems potency and special abilities of gems. in strategic locations to try to de- Gemcraft Labyrinth is entirely meri- Yannick’s tale stroy them before they reach the orb. tocratic, you can adjust the difficulty Monsters reach your orb and dam- of the game on each map which gives age your mana by varying amounts. so often a large monster will appear ducing enemy armour. Gems can be you extra XP points after you complete I woke up to find myself cold and If your mana falls to zero, you lose the that can crush your orb altogether. combined, combining the hues and it which convert to upgrade points. thirsty on beach in chernarus. All game. Your mana slowly replenishes The crux and strategy of the game, retaining a portion of the special abili- Gemcraft Labyrinth is a must-get I had on me was a the clothes I over time and you with every kill and as the title suggests, is with the gems. ties from each gem. While most stages game for Tower defense game lovers was wearing and a flashlight. Time mana are also the currency to pur- There are eight different coloured only give you a few colours to use, you and can be played for free on Armor- to survive the Zombie apocalypse. chase and upgrade towers and gems gems each hue with distinct special can actually combine gems to increase games and Kongregate. Game In a Bot- I saw immediately a town sign and many other traps and advantages. ability in addition to their attack points their potency and give them new tle has announced that the sequel to this which said Камышово which, I Having a lot of mana will make you some of which include slowing down abilities. You can stick with the gems game Chasing Shadows will be released knew from my limited Russian, withstand a lot of attacks but every enemies, creating chain hits and re- the level gives you to begin with and shortly in the beginning of this year. was Kamyshovo. However my knowledge of my location did not help that much, and therefore in dire of need of water I decided to loot the nearby abandoned houses. As I made my way through the wreckage a glint on the floor Time to pack out Braid caught my eye. A compass! Now I could actually get somewhere. My tired and thirsty mind vaguely remembered that due west of my Time travelling, platformer...what is there not to like? position there was the big town Electro, where I new that there were several supermarkets which you, which I feel is definitely inspired world for example adds the ability to collecting more jigsaw pieces each must have some kind of food and by Monty Pythons the Holy grail. set up a sphere which slows the flow time but also a game to get competi- drink. Calum Skene The game itself sees you searching of time, and another has time linked tive at. It is almost made for a speed Games Editor for a Princess by traversing various to your steps meaning that the en- run, and even sports a speed run It was time to venture out onto worlds each made up of levels. At first emies can’t get out of your way and mode for the more competitive player. the road. I kept a low profile, I thought the game was a simple plat- you need to be creative to get to the Braid caters to all types of gam- avoiding the lone zombie who Indie Game the Movie is a great film form game, you can jump on enemies end. One great thing about Braid is er whether you just want to run stalked the countryside. Soon for games fans. It follows the creation and climb up ladders and everything that you can just run through all the through the game to say you’ve I arrived at the outskirts of the and reception of 3 Indie Games; Su- you might expect (except run), but levels, and have done all the worlds in played it, complete it 100%, play town. Thinking it may be prudent per Meat Boy, Fez and Braid. I already the first time I died I got a big sur- minutes, but you don’t get anything it casually from time to time or to check the surrounding houses had played a lot of Super Meat Boy, prise. You can turn back time! Every out of it. The game rewards getting be competitive and speed run it. before I dived into a potentially and soon after the movie I caught Fez move you make can be reversed, and those jigsaw pieces and completing It’s a charming game, unique and fatal situation, I clambered through in a humble bundle. These were some not just for a few seconds. It is pos- the game properly and truly. It’s an inventive, and really shows off a window to see if I could find of the best games I’ve ever played and sible to rewind time all the way back easy game to just jump in and out of, what Indie games have to offer. anything. As I scavenged through were instant favourites of mine so it to the beginning of the level. This the houses I came upon a closed is of no surprise that once I finally mechanic is what makes Braid such a door. Not thinking anything of it, caught Braid on sale it instantly fol- unique game. It makes each level into I entered,scanning the floor for lowed its predecessors into my top 10. a puzzle, rewarding you with jigsaw loot. As I looked around, my eyes Braid is a puzzle game created by Jon- pieces which can be made into a pic- fell upon a two pairs of shoes. I athan Blow. The film had showcased ture for each world. Some elements looked up in surprise and saw two how much time and effort he put are immune to the time reversal helmeted guys looking at me in into making this game and the fin- which provides some great puzzles. surprise, pointing their rusty M4s ished result echoes this. Visually the How do you get that key at the bot- at my face. Before I could even game is stunning! Braid showcases a tom of a pit? Jump down pick up the utter an “oh”, they opened fire on unique art style that I would describe key, and because the key is immune me. As I lay on the floor bleeding to as artistic Mario. It even has the to time travel, simply time reverse death, I felt them rustling through same kind of enemies and definitely so you exit the pit holding the key. my clothes looking for anything to takes more elements from Mario, in Braid becomes progressively harder steal. Couldn’t even wait for me to its platforming style. A new enemy and each world adds a new mechanic die couldn’t they? however is a killer bunny rabbit that which helps keep the game fresh and often pops out of nowhere and chases entertaining as you go through. One 34 FRIDAY 31 JAN Editor: Maximilian Eggl, Yong Wen Chua, Osama Awara TECHNOLOGY technology.felix@imperial. ac.uk Felix on the move! Maximilian Eggl, interviewing Kunal Wagle, creator of the Felix app

ME: Introduce yourself! the opportunity arose, I could see no ME: What are the main features of KW: Users can (predictably) browse ME: What are your future plans for reason not to take it on. the app? through the latest articles from Felix. the app? KW: I am a first year Computing In addition to this, we have a sidebar student from London. I currently reside ME: How did you get the idea for the that offers many social features. One KW: There are many. As I said in the Southside Halls of Residence. Felix app? can create their own account and post previously we are looking at to discussion boards, “like” articles implementing a comments section. ME: What is your position in Felix? KW: I was trying to read an article and connect with other users. From Another item on the list is the on my phone one time and found it early indications, it can be said that addition of an issue archive, allowing KW: I am the sports editor. I follow frustrating. It was inconceivable to it makes for a much more interactive students to browse past editions. But, most sports, particularly football, think that a newspaper such as Felix, user experience. as is the case for most apps, we will cricket and tennis, so I felt that when which already had a brilliant website try to implement what the user wants to accompany the printed version, did ME: What are the some of the us to implement. There is a feedback not have its own app for students to current problems with the app? section in the app’s sidebar that can be browse on the go. used for this, or you could send us an KW: We are taking a look at ways of email at [email protected] ME: During your coding stage did implementing a comments section. you encounter any problems? Did Unfortunately the only true way of you have to omit any features (e.g.)? finding problems is by users reporting At this point the app is only available them. Fortunately, this hasn’t for iOS sadly, however there are KW: There weren’t any major happened yet. plans for an android app. If you do problems. The API wasn’t well suited own an iOS device and want to try to an iPhone app, so I came up with ME: In your opinion, why should out Kunal’s great work, either scan ways to work around that. The maker people use the app? the QR code on the left or just head of the API, Jonathan Kim [an imperial over to the App Store and search alumni, who also made the website], KW: For the exact reasons we created “Felix Imperial”. Just keep in mind is currently working on a new version it. It is useful for following Felix on the that the account you make there is that would ensure the next update of go. Our social features also enhance seperate from your official imperial the app works more efficiently. the Felix experience. acount. Paying in style: #yoyonotyolo

have an app for iOS and Android which out the app, let the cashiers scan the (gasp, such an effort!) and linking my is because of the hassle yo safe if you Maximilian Eggl allows you to pay at all taste imperial QR code that your phone shows you. bank account to it? Well imagine this are cashless and looking to get it at Technology Editor outlets (which excludes the union). Now as a lazy imperial student (I scenario: You have just gotten out of a peak hours, as well as the speed you You connect your bank account to the know why I am one), you are probably horrible double lecture, haven’t eaten can check out without any change app, then load it up and are good to wondering why should I go through for an age and generally feel like you falling potentially falling to the floor. You must have seen it around these go. At the actual till all you do is pull the hassle of downloading an app take a large bite out of anything that On the other hand what are the days, the proliferation of pink flyers stumbles across your path. As you cons of getting Yoyo? There are littering imperial’s walkways. Flyers make your way to your food stop of actually quite a few, related to that seem to have the word yolo choice you suddenly remember that, security. Pretty much, if you lose written on them. However fear not damn, you have no cash. Sighing, you your phone and you have no security my dear students, our university make your way to the cash machine. measures they at leisure to spend as has not descended into a swag- As you arrive a look of horror spreads much as they want on your account. palace. No these flyers actually say across your face as a line starting at Furthermore if you are pretty open yoyo on them, and what they talk the ATMs going all the back to south with your account details you should about is actually quite intriguing. kensington station fills your view. You also be worried, as anyone can set Its been actually quite hard to ain’t going to get your lunch easy. This up a Yoyo account with your details evade the information that has is where Yoyo steps in. You can cut without any further verification. been bombarding imperial students out the entire cueing by just topping In my own experience of using the concerning Yoyo. Emails from sabs, up your account on your phone, app, I have generally not encountered posters and/or flyers have been entirely on the go. Furthermore the any problems. The quickness and ease almost ever present since the launch. fact that you do not need to fumble of paying with my phone is something However for those of you who do not for cash at the register means that that I have thoroughly enjoyed. know what yoyo is here is a quick once you have scanned your phone Furthermore if you are planning to overview. It is a company funded by you are good to go. Imagine if use Yoyo, then start today! Today Imperial that is meant to counter the everyone had this? It would make is the last day that when you top up yearly calls for allowing payments getting food so much more quick and you get a 10% bonus! My last piece with our college ID cards. Capitalising efficient, and that’s what we imperial of advice, even though this thing on the prevalence of smartphones and students like right? So essentially the is pretty useful, carry some cash, the rise of mobile payments, we now reasons that you should go for Yoyo because everyone knows: Cash is king FRIDAY 31 JAN 35

@feliximperial

FelixImperial FOOD

(Chinese New) Year of the Horse is here

Don’t worry - no horse meat involved in the production of this issue...

Mandarin Orange Creme Brulee East Meets West in this delectable dessert. Makes x8 small/x4 large thewi.org

Before we begin, a disclaimer: Satsumas, clementines, tangerines - basically any easy-peel citrus orange with easy to separate segments you can think of falls under the category of mandarin oranges. Think of it this way - all clementines are mandarin oranges, but not all mandarin oranges are clementines. (Mandarins are usually bigger in Asia...but these will do.) If you must/insist there’s no diff, feel free to substitute with your standard non- easy-peel (Navel) oranges. You may feel the pernickety wrath of some Asians ung Hei Fat Choi! The fish and chips! float. Usually served with noodles, in the process (myself possibly included)...but hey, all citrus deserves some year of the horse has once Ingredients: but it’s up to you! love! Also, recycle Gu dessert pots for ramekins. You’re welcome. again arrived and if you - 500g of minced pork feel like having something - 100g of prawns The brilliance of dumplings is the 3 large eggs festive, but find Chopstix - 4 dried shiitake mushrooms, flexibility it provides. You can 5 large egg yolks Kslightly too greasy, here’s a healthy reconstituted with some hot water essentially put any filling - chicken, 200g light brown sugar recipe for you! - 2 cloves of garlic beef, mixed vegetables - as long as 600ml double cream If people tell you Chinese food is - 2 spring onions it is sealed properly (don’t overfill!) zest and flesh segments from 6 mandarins (or 2-3 normal oranges) hard to cook, they are lying to you. - 1 thumb sized chunk ginger You can also steam and pan fry 1/2 teaspoon salt There is an Chinese idiom “People - 1 tablespoon of soy sauce these dumplings to give it a different 1 teaspoon vanilla extract rank food heavenly high”, so the - Some salt, pepper and sesame oil texture and flavour. To pan fry them, cuisine has developed itself to be as - Dumpling/Wanton skin (available put a tablespoon of oil and once Preheat oven to 175C. Mix (do not whip) the egg yolks, eggs, mandarin juice, accessible as possible, while keeping in Asian supermarkets) hot, fry the dumplings for around and 110g of brown sugar (remainder is for topping!) until fully combined. the good taste. 3 minutes, until the base is golden. Over medium heat, warm cream and mandarin zest in saucepan to scalding 1. Finely chop the garlic, ginger, spring Add boiling water just around point - stir occasionally. Gradually pour the egg mixture into cream, stirring onions, mushrooms and prawns. Add half way up, cover and let it steam constantly (too quickly and you get scrambled egg.) Add salt and vanilla. them to a big bowl with the mince away. You can serve it with different Festive Treat Strain custard using a fine mesh strainer into a jug (it will still be liquidy.) pork, a bit of soaking liquid from dipping sauces - my favourites A good example is dumplings - or the mushrooms, soy sauce, salt and are sweet chilli sauce or soy sauce Place a tea towel on the bottom of a deep roasting tin, then arrange ramekins jiaozi. They came from the Ming pepper. Mix it up with your hand. and worcestershire sauce mixed on top and put 2-3 mandarin segments in ramekins. Pour hot water from a Dynasty, when its name and looks together! kettle until it reaches halfway up the ramekins, then divvy up your custard mix resembled the money used at the time, 2. Put a tablespoon of filling onto the between the ramekins until they are about 3/4 full. so serving them is believed to bring centre of the skin, then put a little bit The recipe above does make prosperity - especially at midnight on of water around the edges and squeeze quite a big batch but dumplings Bake custards for about 25 mins, or until they are set with a slight wobble Chinese New Year’s Eve. And since it into the “dumpling shape”. Here is are freezer-friendly (freeze raw.) So in centre when shaken. (Or get geeky and make sure your food probe reads) then, it has become one of the most where your creativity can kick in, any make them over the weekend, then Remove from the water bath and allow to cool, then refrigerate until they popular foods of the nation, with form is fine as long as it is sealed. just take a few out when you want thoroughly chilled. Can be made ahead 4-5 days in advance, just keep them variations served at breakfast, lunch 3. Put it in boiling water for around them. No thawing needed - just cook well-covered to stop other fridge smells seeping in! and dinner - the same can’t be said for 5-10 minutes, or until they start to from frozen for a little longer. For topping: Preheat oven to 150C. Line a baking tray with parchment, spread out remaining sugar into an even, thin layer. Put in oven until it starts to dry out (around 3-5 min.). Remove, allow to cool, then crunch with a rolling pin Where to go for a Taste of China to break up into granules again. Reserve until serving time. Okay, apart from your local Chinese takeaway and Chinatown... To serve: Sprinkle an even layer of the dried sugar on the custards. Torch with quick swirling motions, or bung under a hot grill until bubbly. Let cool (very briefly) to allow topping to solidify (gives you that satisfying crack when hit with your spoon.) Top with mandarin segments - dig in rightaway! If easy home cooking is not really for and crispy pork is available in the SCR, celebration) at south-east London you, then you’re blessed that we are along with coconut cake and sponge which consists of workshops in one of the most culturally diversed cake. You can also get stir-fry and chow and food around the world! cities in the world, but Chinatown mein at the QTR. Free fortune cookies All ingredients used in the food is not your only option either! are offered there and also when you served are sourced locally and all Tasted some amazing food this week? get the meal deal at F-East in the JCR. waste is recycled on site since they SCR & QTR aim to become zero waste to landfill Yam Yam! Festival by the end of 2014. So definitely a Share it with us: TasteImperial is serving Chinese place to go for a fun weekend while specialities at their outlets on Friday. Yam Yam! is a 15-day festival (the enjoying some guilt-free yummy food! In SCR, the classic five spice chicken duration of Chinese New Year www.thealbany.org.uk #FelixFood on Instagram FRIDAY 17 JAN 36

Puzzles Commanders: Kingshuk Dasadhikari, Oliver Price PUZZLES [email protected]

Sudoku FUCWIT League Crossword Clues Each row, column, and 3 x 3 box must contain all the numbers from 1 Across nickwp 45.5 to 9. That’s all. Enjoy... 1. English city (10) Jia Choo 43 Helix 8 6. Scented powder (4) Adam Stewart 18.5 Gabriel Quek 7 Harder: 10. Oblivious (7) Yufan Zhao 17 Emma and Ben 6 11. Wild applause (7) Juliette Chupin 8.5 WJ 4 12. Charitable person (14) 14. Designed for ease of use (9) Crossword by Paul G. 16. Integer (5) 17. Northern French city (5) 19. Leafy zone surrounding a town (5, 4) 21. Electronic component made by etching (7, 7) 24. He has an alma mater (7) 25. Sketch showing how something works (7) 26. Smooth (4) 27. Green area on South Kensington campus (6, 4) Down 1. Rain heavily (4) 2. Inconsiderate motorist (4, 3) 3. Part of the body (5, 9) 4. Large sea (5) 5. Pain (9) 7. Lasting (7) 8. Make up (10) 9. Historical conflicts between France and Britain, etc (10, 4) 13. Transparent packaging (10) 15. East African port (9) 18. Time off (7) 20. African country (7) 22. Music not produced by a major record label Killer: (5) No clues! Instead, the numbers in each cage must add up to the 23. Portent (4) number in the top left. Numbers cannot be repeated in a cage. Tips: The numbers in each box, row and column must add up to 45. Look for Nonogram Cryptic: cages with only one possible combination e.g. a two wide cage total The lengths of runs of shaded squares in each row and Across 3 must contain 1 and 2 . each column are given. Squares can only be shaded or 1. Motor phuts around city (10) unshaded. Solve the puzzle to unveil a pretty picture. 6. First seen in topsoil and loam, chalky mineral (4) 10. Unconscious conflict between Austria and Spain goes after peacekeepers (7) 11. Zero tax with small charge for great reception (7) 12. Thin Polish prat turned out to be someone generous (14) 14. Suiting the body of finance, change “Cent” to “Guinea” (9) 16. Rowing team’s pressure to drop leader (5) 17. Poorly in the French city (5) 19. You can’t build on this intermediate sports rank (5, 4) 21. Electronics direct pic, run it differently (7, 7) 24. Ex-student reduced swelling in bum (7) 25. Figure service sent back, gaining weight (7) 26. Seventy illustrates this kind of number (4) 27. With ruler, rule between compass points area outside library (6, 4) Down 1. Stream first of photos of us (4) 2. Selfish driver, by the sound of it, sat on large motorbike (4, 3) 3. Enema still isn’t swirling around organ (5, 9) 4. Large volume of water capsized canoe (5) Last Week’s Solutions Milder Sudoku Guess the Stop 5. Pain to teach about absorbing oxygen and The British rail network runs far hydrogen (9) and wide. The name of a line 7. Bearing a girl included in search engine (7) is scrambled in the following 8. One drug goes tits up in attractive form (10) anagram, and the name of a stop 9. Some number of bent cops won aerial battles on that line, with the given number involving France (10, 4) of letters is encoded by the sum 13. Wrapping survey up in what? Get stick over of the letters, where A=1, B=2... it (10) Z=26, =0. 15. African city resolved dogma on matter, we Find the line and stop. Note that hear (9) London Underground lines may 18. Freedom from garland? Certainly (7) Last Week: also be possible answers. 20. Country singer Chris after weary rising... (7) Anagram: Thameslink Anagram: 22. ...change of key at end of country music (5) Stop: Farringdon bare look 23. Ladies losing weight may be good or bad sign Week Before: Anagram: Hammersmith Stop: (4) and City 10 letters, Sum: 104 Stop: Moorgate FRIDAY 31 JAN 37

@feliximperial

FelixImperial CATNIP Ask Annie, your friendly Agony Aunt

gony Aunt Annie Help! I’m the only girl in my group Help! My girlfriend’s moving away for Annie’s advice that Whiteley is the woman of friends, which means that I’m six months in March, and we haven’t who fought for women’s constantly surrounded by guys. This talked about what’s going to happen Imperial sorely needs cloakroom facilities at sounds great, but it’s a massive pain as when she leaves. We haven’t been Imperial, and thus is other guys never dare to approach me. together that long, is it too soon to try How to ask someone out: A qualifiedA to solve all your problems. What can I do to get around this? and make it work long distance? Cockblocked in Cockfosters Worried in Waterloo guide for girls (or boys)

Have you considered that one of Maintaining it over long distance 1. Be confident your male friends might actually be will put an extra strain on your If you always act confident, you’ll look confident. If you look the way to go? If you really want to relationship, that is more likely to confident, people will think you’re confident. And believe it branch out, why not try manning up make it break. It’s hard to keep that or not, that’s hot. Anyone, male or female, loves to be asked and approaching the guys yourself? It kind of trust, especially if you haven’t out. If you find someone attractive and ask them to go for a really isn’t as scary as it sounds. If you been together for long. If you really What drink, you stand as much chance as any of them saying yes. think a guy is eyeing you up from afar, love each other, you can easily get important If you don’t know them it’ll be a purely physical decision, but just go and say hi. If that’s too brave for back together when she comes back, advice at least that takes the pressure off in terms of being rejected. you, why not separate yourself from and you might even find that neither After all, you’re much more than a pretty face. your friends and make yourself more of you want to get with anyone else should approachable? when you’re apart. It is possible to do Annie 2. Be friends long distance though, so have a really dish out It’s unusual for a romantic connection to develop without honest conversation about it before some sort of friendship forming first. When you first meet Help! I was too shy to make any Help! I’m a plus size guy, and I want to she leaves. next someone, be flirtatious, but not to the point that they’re friends during Freshers week, and now change, I want to start getting healthy, week? intimidated by you. It’s a lot easier to see if you like them, everyone’s formed groups of friends but I’m scared that if I go to the gym, Email and get to a point where it’s easy to ask them out. After all, in Halls and on my course, and I’m people will laugh at me. What can I Help! I have a massive crush on my is it weird between friends to suggest that you do something always left out. How can I make friends do? lecturer. I can’t pay any attention in his any ideas together? this late in the year? Overweight in Oval lectures, and when we’re alone during to the Lonely in Ladbroke Grove office hours, I swear he feels the same! address 3. Be sneaky Most people at the gym will have What should I do? You don’t have to go up to someone and say, “Will you go This is a really easy trap to fall into serious respect for anyone who wants Besotted in Baron’s Court below! out with me?” If you’re really nervous, you don’t even have for the introverted Imperialite. But to make a positive change in their to directly ask them to hang out with you. If you’re already don’t worry, it’s still easy to make life, and will, if anything, be helpful. I’m gonna be honest with you, babe, friends, you can arrange to hang out as a group, and friends! It’s not too late to join a Anyone who’s a douche is probably a you’re young. He’s probably old. Why “accidentally” tell them to arrive earlier, or “coincidentally” club or society, which is a really easy douche to everyone, probably because don’t you go for someone your own have everyone else cancel. If you get caught out, you can way to meet a bunch of new people. they have a tiny penis. Anything they age? Imperial is a goldmine of fresh always pretend that you made a mistake. The key is to make In Halls, you can just hang around say isn’t personal, don’t worry about young men. And he probably doesn’t it easy for them. Let them see how you get on when you’re common areas and occasionally try it. However, if you really don’t want think of you that way, that’s just wishful alone. Once this idea is in their head, they’re more like to and join conversations, and people to face the gym, there are plenty of thinking. Whatever you do, don’t make a move. But remember, you can take a horse to water, will automatically start incorporating other ways. For the ultimate people risk any embarrassment by making but you can’t make him drink. you. On your course, you can hang out avoidance, late night jogging is easy, a move. He might be entertaining a with people after tutorials and lectures and the powers of little things like fantasy of the hot young student, but 4. Be bold – drag out any social interactions and walking instead of taking the bus making fantasy a reality doesn’t always If you do it with confidence, you can pull off anything. Make people will start including you. shouldn’t be underestimated. live up to your expectations… it seem like it’s no big deal. Ask someone out with enough swag and if they turn you down you can strut away with your head held high and leave them feeling rejected. Don’t be afraid to turn it back on them if it goes wrong, “You thought Send Annie your problems and suggestions at [email protected] I was asking you out? What’s wrong with you?” Like us on #AllTheSocialMedia /FelixImperial

@FelixImperial 38 FRIDAY 31 JAN

HANGMAN [email protected]

This Week In The Past ICEDITORIAL

bastards that were attempting to desperate. procure things that no one wanted for The Historian The Hangman free. In fact, not only should police efforts Hangman Contributor Hangman Editor be doubled, but each and every one of However, this good work would have us should confront anyone who looks been for nothing if it wasn’t for the either desperate or poor. Let us never celand, Kentish Town - noble zeal with which the Crown forget that these people are in an awful Following the news this week that Prosecution Service carried out their situation because they choose to be 2002 – During the State of the Union address, three people are to be prosecuted role. Unfortunately, this is but once and basically just want your sympathy George W. Bush officially declares the Y-axis for stealing food from bins, this incident which should not have been and your hard-earned cash. to be the Axis of Evil. editor believes that the police allowed to happen in the first place. Ishould be going further and arresting So, place alarms on your bins, take a all those who look remotely desperate. This writer believes the police should homeless man’s stuff and stop giving be given sweeping powers with which to charity because these people don’t 1959 – The MS Hans Hedtoft – a ship declared The police must be praised for their to arrest, detain or otherwise use any deserve your time. “as unsinkable as the Titanic” – hits an iceberg swift action against those work-shy force necessary to stop those who look and sinks on its maiden voyage. Nan Sweeps Felix in the past. “Enjoy having 1933 – In an event now widely regarded as emails sent Grannys The Birth of the Ratio (30 Sept 1985) ‘not great’, Hitler is sworn in as Chancellor of straight to Germany. junk? Email hangman. Timothy McSweeny felix@imperial. Hangman Contributor ac.uk and give 1911 – In controversial circumstances, the it a go!” our Nan was amongst Canadian Naval Service unorthodoxly remains the winners this week itself to the Royal Canadian Navy at the Grannys award ceremony in Los Angeles. Scooping the prizesY for ‘Best New Dentures’ and 1886 – Karl Benz patents the first gasoline- ‘Knitted Jumpers of the Year’, your Nan driven automobile. However, given that no car dominated the annual prize-giving. insurance companies existed, he never drove the thing out of fear of accidents. Whilst the mainstream rewards went to your Nan, some of the more niche ones went to your Nan’s friends. ‘Best Rocking Chair’ for example, went 1863 – Bear River Massacre. Now we’re elsewhere whilst she received no sure this is an extremely sensitive issue, but nominations in the ‘Baked Goods of we cannot for the life of us work out if this the Year’ category. was the massacre of a lot of bears by a river or the massacre of a lot of rivers by a bear. Overall, however, your Nan’s Alternatively, it could’ve been the massacre dominance of the Grannys and of a lot of uncovered rivers – it really isn’t Grandparent industry in general. obvious. “Need In a statement to Hangman, she said attention? “I’m glad I’m still able to win such a Email prestigious awards, especially at my 1662 – Oliver Cromwell is exhumed and hangman. age”. ritually executed by King Charles II. It was the felix@imperial. kind of thing that everyone agreed afterwards ac.uk and give “I look forward to celebrating by was awkward and weird. it a go!” meticulously going through my forty-odd photo albums with my grandchildren [you]” “Union In Transition State” - Obama

reaction if you don’t have means The Hangman of stablising the transition state” Hangman Editor “the same applies to Unions” The President of the United States of America this week addressed the “to that end we’re planning on

USA on a multitude of issues in the introducing some coordinating US GOVT. State of the Union address. Whilst metal atoms on the East and FLICKR/THE JR JAMES ARCHIVE, UNIVERSITY OF SHEFFIELD Obama explains some of the finer many topics such as inequality West Coasts of the country” points of chemical importance of stabi- It is clear to see from this picture why the Y-axis is the were discussed, Obama was lising the transition state of the Union most evil of the axis. I mean look at it, sitting there tall, keen emphasise the fact that the “We’re also hoping to introduce a point proud and fascist. What a bastard. Union was “in a transition state”. mutation in the Gulf of Mexico to form of stabilising the Union during a stronger interaction with Florida” this transition state. The President The President added that, as such, finished by stating that the whole the Union needed to be stabilised. “As The President went on to explain in address was examinable but that if every good chemist and biochemist great detail with aid of a Powerpoint you were aiming for a First you’d knows, it’s not easy to catalyse a presentation some of the finer points need to read around the address. FRIDAY 31 JAN 39

@feliximperial

FelixImperial HANGMAN

Different Forms DODGY DEAL Of Frozen Water the turnip INTRIGUING to Play Big Role Hangman’s Finest College News Source in Sporting Tournament Winter Olympics Norway Attempting To Beginning Anger All The Major Powers Snowden Nominated For Peace FLICKR/LET IDEAS COMPETE Frozen water takes centre stage only Prize once every four years, however athe- letes must spend years perfecting their ith the performances on frozen surfaces. nomination of Edward ext week, differing Snowden for forms of frozen water the Nobel Peace will take a leading role Prize,W Norway continued its quest in a variety of sporting this week to alienate and anger all the events across two World’s major powers. FLICKR/ABARANSK Nweeks. Who will Norway infuriate next? In 2010, they were able to anger China Could it be you? The competition will feature many of through it’s awarding of the prize to the world’s nations facing off to see Liu Xiaobo. Whilst, in 2009, they were This, however, has left many who can perform the best on a range able to alienate and anger any logical commentators wondering of frozen waters. It is also essentially thinkers by giving the prize to Barack who Norway can anger in the the only time so much attention is Obama who had essentially made future, one observer stated: given to frozen surfaces at any one very little contribution towards peace. “With no major powers left, who time. This year, however, the plucky is there left worth insulting? I Scandinavian country went one suppose they could begin hostilities The competition runs in stark contrast step further and pissed-off the most emerging powers like India or poke to the Summer Olympics which powerful nation on Earth directly. an old-fashioned bear like Russia” features much less water and basically no frozen surfaces at all. CANCE G TA V EMINI A URUS I RGO R L E O IE R S

This week, you wake up as This week, you find a rock ly- This week, you see a rock on This week, tired of being iso- This week, as you are innocently This week, feeling like flick- rock. Yes, a smooth, grey, ing on your roommates bed. Queen’s lawn. To prove that lated due to your love of Justin doing coursework, a rock hits ing your bean after seeing emotionless rock. You sigh to You decide that since you the average Imperial student Bieber you decide to steal that you on the head. All of a sud- someone run around naked, your rocky self, well at least do not have friends anyway, has the personality equivalent stupid rock which won BNOC. den you think its a good idea you decide to use the rock I won’t have that annoying you may as well adopt him to a rock, you nominate him Once you hold that rock, you to run naked around campus, you found. It is oh, so smooth, horniness anymore, right? as a pet rock. You decide for BNOC. You convince your notice that it’s much more awe- screaming “Shine bright like va- and before you know it, it’s However you quickly notice to call him Wilson, and you friends to write in letters to ex- some than you could ever be. gina” and eating lots of vagina slipped up inside your snatch. that due to your permanent become bestest of friends. tol his virtues. They praise his You throw it through the nearest cream. Your personal tutor sees Strangely it feels harder than hardness, everything has However when trying to es- stubborn approach to student window and resume your stalk- you, and immediately gives you anything you’ve had in there just gotten infinitely worse. cape the clutches of Impe- representation. A rockaye wins ing of J-Biebz. a first on your degree because before, which for Imperial

Fermented gravel? rial’s solitude, you lose him... by a landslide. CA you “show initiative”. doesn’t say a lot. AQ

WIIIIILLLSSOONNNNN!!!! S S C A PR IC G ITTA U P ORP A I L IB S N OR R CE I R R US I I US O A S

This week, as a medicine student This week, you finally tell This week, you have to decide This week, so tired of having to This week, you walk past the This week, after failing yet an- you have to deal with someone your medic crush how you between either always have the listen to your roommates wail- destruction of the library battle. other coursework. You dream coming in with a rock stuck in feel. You invite them to dinner smell of excrement in your nose, ing, you move to the library. You think to yourself, at least that you become a rock, be- their vagina. Looking at the beat and listen to them telling you or having One Direction songs in Out of unused books you build you are not as crazy as that come BNOC and end up in up genitalia, you wonder why you about their day, which includ- your head. Both of these options yourself a castle, and proclaim weird knight guy. Then you re- someones vagina. Once you deserved this torture. As you in- ed a rock inside someones are too horrible to consider, and yourself lord of the top floor. member that you are actually wake up you decide that Impe- duce labour, you swear to your- vag. You seize the moment, because you can’t decide, both Soon the cleaners declare war a hipster and everyone really rial has so completely screwed self that you’re actually going wink creepily and say: “I happen simultaneously. You go upon you. You successfully hates you. Oh well, at least you your mind, you move out to to follow your twerking dreams. have something rock hard for insane and end up crying in your defend your keep at the battle don’t live in a castle made of California to become a beach Then the rock slips into your out- you!” You’re forever known room. At least you aren’t ‘that of silent space, securing your old books right? bum and live happily ever after stretched hands...pint? as ‘that creep’ on campus. creep’, right? rule. “Keep the SPORT Cat Free” Editor: Kunal Wagle [email protected] 31/01/14 Issue 1566 Download the new Felix iOS app today! felixonline.co.uk Premier League Predictions Made in Chelsea vs James White gives his midweek predictions

Man City v Chelsea 2-0 The Only Way is Essex (Sky Sports 1, Monday 8pm) West Ham v Swansea What a platform for one of these two frontrunners in the title race to Make no mistake, this is a relegation lay down the gauntlet and send out a six-pointer. For all their slick passing, real warning to their title rivals. Man you could argue the Swans have been City will be favourites, and rightly so, off song for a year now. The Hammers but, they are far from rock solid at the have not won at home since the open- back, whereas you can bet Jose Mour- ing day, but with Andy Carroll back fit, inho will not stand for any defensive this is a great opportunity. mistakes. The more experienced of the 2-0 two managers, Mourinho has success- fully played for a 0-0 at both Arsenal Cardiff v Norwich and Man United already this season. I expect him to do the same on Mon- This is another massive game at the day and, while he will do well to keep wrong end of the table, but Ole Gun- a clean sheet with the likes of Sergio nar Solksjaer will be hungry for a first Aguero et al on the pitch, I do think home win after an embarrassing home Man City will struggle to outscore the reverse to West Ham. Chris Hughton’s Blues. Canaries do not win away often, espe- 1-1 cially when the pressure is not really on Newcastle v Sunderland 1-0 (BT Sport 1, Saturday 12:45pm) Everton v Aston Villa

It seems an eternity ago that Paolo di IC HOCKEY Canio announced his arrival at Sun- It is always dangerous to back against derland with an emphatic 3-0 win in Villa away – they showed yet again at III from the formidable Jacky Essex playaz U Bender, WC and Tenth Hole the corresponding Tyne-Wear derby Anfield that they are a different animal Eleanor Kettleborough with FrauBrau and Fresher Brave led to a 3-1 half time score line. last season. Since then Gus Poyet has on their travels. But the Toffees are in IC Hockey pushing hard up the right (shaft). Some rousing chat from Banana steadied the ship, and Sunderland have with a real fighting chance of a Euro- Double Decker and Fresher Me scared Split and Willy Board direction not lost on the road in the league since pean finish so Roberto Martinez will them away from our D with their very from Reginald Maximilian Tarquin November. High-flying Newcastle’s demand nothing less than a win. real hair… Clarence “Pete” Duke of Egham, French contingent will provide a stern 2-1 fter the initial blinding Suffering from a bad bout of hat encouraged some great all round work test of their defensive credentials. On from the blonde hair trick avoidance and ably assisted by in the second half. paper, the Magpies are stronger in Fulham v Southampton and the fake tans, we Shark Bait (ooh ha ha) 3 x scored They were well jel though, and every department, but with precious collected as a team. again. OMG, copied our stick and ball little to play for, the Black Cats can The Saints are in a bit of turmoil at the RomVom slotted in a Dominating in the first half, we handling skills to get a second in. extend their run of away form with a moment but do not seem to be letting quickie,A smoothly followed by a mid gave them a charity goal, cos ya know, Despite their dazzling vajazzling, old valuable point. the off-field troubles affect their -per air bitch slap into the net from 3 x a they’re from Essex. Some great one- hats Sucky Sucky and Herpes held the 1-1 formances on the pitch. The Cottag- Fish, and we pulled ahead. Some great two’s, aerials, drag flicks and general line. Final whistle babes. Game over. ers will have targeted this as a must- defending protected Fresher Wearing reem tekers from the solid centre #3-2 #OMG #babes #ICHC #ladies1s West Brom v Liverpool win match but they are just not in the (Sky Sports 1, Sunday 1:30pm) same league for me 1-2 World-wide talent to teach I.C. Wing Chun What happened The Baggies had to fight hard to hold Everton in Pepe Mel’s first outing in Chelsea vs. West Ham between ICUFC charge, but for all their attractive play, (Wednesday 7:45pm) Susannah Molisso Activity Space 2 in the Union Building. the Toffees do not possess the same IC Wing Chun President As well as high class training, and St. Georges? clinical cutting edge in attack as their Tim Sherwood’s Spurs are in fine form joining the UKWCKFA also means Merseyside neighbours. The lethal Su- and even the very well-organised Ti- our members can use associated arez-Sturridge partnership is back in gers will have their work cut out try- t’s been a big year for I.C. clubs across the country. This means business and although Mel will try to ing to contain Emmanuel Adebayor Wing Chun. We’ve joined training can continue throughout the frustrate the Reds, Brendan Rodgers’ and co. Spurs have to keep winning to the UK Wing Chun Kung Fu holidays. side need a win to stay on course for a remain in contention for the top four, Association (UKWCKFA), a We strongly believe in giving our top-four finish. That incentive should and should prevail over the 90 min- leading association for Wing members the best training available, make it a comfortable afternoon for utes. IChun with links across the country and fostering a fun and friendly Liverpool. Rather like Man City, you 0-2 and the world. Imperial students now environment as a whole. One of our always feel Liverpool can outscore any have the opportunity to train with most recent achievements has been opponent. Stoke v Man United Sifus from Britain’s leading VTTA taking our members to perform in 1-3 approved association; headed by Sifu the Victoria and Albert Museum You don’t really know what you are James Sinclair, who has impressive along with the CSSA for Chinese New his week’s football report, Arsenal v Crystal Palace going to get with Man United these experience. Year Celebrations. We want to keep while hilarious has been (Sky Sports 1, Sunday 4pm) days. Some weekends they pick up Our new Sifu, Nick Martin, will be creating fantastic opportunities like independently banned by 12 routine wins, others they slip to hor- joining on Feb 7. He is currently giving this to improve skill, confidence, and countries, each citing rules The Gunners keep rolling on, and ror defeats. Although their record at Wing Chun seminars across India. control. about indecency, too much have made a nice habit of cruising to the Britannia is decent, Mark Hughes We’re extremely excited as a club for Come down and check us out! You Tpunnage and too many embarassing 2-0 wins in recent home ties against has already claimed a few scalps there the new talent and energy Sifu Nick can contact us via [email protected]. confessions about private viewing the likes of Hull, Fulham and Car- since taking over. will bring. We’d like to welcome any uk or search I.C. Wing Chun Union habits. diff. They know at least one of Man 1-1 new members to come down and join on Facebook. Everybody is welcome, So, tune in next week when we hear City and Chelsea will drop points this us for a free taster session on Feb 7; whether you’ve done martial arts from the team again, hopefully after weekend too. his very first session with I.C. Wing before or if this is your first time. We they’ve had a cold shower! Chun. This will run from 6pm-8pm in look forward to seeing you! - Ed.