Re:collections 再次·回顧 (English Transcript with Translations)
Let us Return in 10. 10, 9, 8, 7, 六, 五, 四, Three, Two, 一.
Eyes open.
I was often afraid that I would have to go back to Taiwan because I would be too sick to continue living in the US.
Little did I know it wasn’t me that would get sick, but the world getting sick that would bring me back to Taiwan.
______
It has been 20 years since my first surgery here and I’m still trying to find language for it.
This place holds memory. Memory holds trauma.
Trauma is something that shapes us, whether we like it to or not, It just happens. Like dust in a ball of clay or fingerprints on a phone screen. oIn order t exist, we are exposed. My family and I don’t talk about it.
I try to find words for it. After all, our lives are shaped by it.
It’s hard to grasp. It loops around and shrinks and expands, flares up, then freezes over again.
It is my inheritance and my body and my homeland.
______
Scene 1: 平 Píng (Balanced)
We drive an hour to Daxi as yet another expedition for finding the antidote. Everytime we go to see the bodyworker, we pass by the Tǔ Dì Gōng miào (God of the Soil temple) . A gigantic old man god that sits on a mountain top on the side of the freeway, smiling, watching over the land, the cars passing by like a river below the mountain. Everytime without fail, my father yells 土地公 (Tǔ Dì Gōng) and points, as if this wasn’t the 50th time he has driven past this mountain.
. .. My father says I need to introduce myself to the gods and ancestors when I pray. I put my feet together, my hands clasp the incense. I look straight ahead at the gods and greet them.
“Nǐ hǎo wǒ shì Yo Yo.”... I wonder if they prefer me to address them in Chinese or English. Probably Chinese. I’ll do both.
“Qǐng bāng zhù wǒ de māmā de shǒushù. Qǐng bāng zhù Wǒ de péngyǒu, jiārén: bàba jiějiě gēgē dìdì gēn fú wá.”
I hope my mother’s surgery goes well. Please protect my friends, my father, sister, brothers, and my dog Fuwa.
It pause. A the moment I don’t feel like praying for myself. Xie Xie. I bow five times.
______
Scene 2:
寒 Hán Cold. Kuan Zhen bǎ mài - holds my wrist and tells me my insides are cold, that my heart is weak. 我生性冷底，心臟也很虛弱。 She is still in medical school in China but classes are all online now. Her mother brags that she cured a woman from a 30 year cough. 她媽媽吹噓說她治癒好一個咳嗽咳了 30 年的女病人。
She sends me the prescription on Instagram message with keyboard smileys. I Google the herbs and roots she chose for me.
2021/02/14: Cinnamon Trunk 5g Cinnamon Branch 7g Ginseng 5g Angelica 4g Licorice 3g Red Dates 3g
I drink the medicine that makes my heart stronger.
...
Zack FaceTimes me our apartment window from New York. There’s another snow! We got so much snow this winter. He takes photos and sends them to me. I must admit, the snow does look beautiful… at a distance. I check the numbers on my phone. They are going down, yet over 5,000 new cases a day still is difficult to stomach.
... It never gets as cold as New York but it’s still cold, rainy and wet here. My grandfather no longer says much but my dad found him in bed the other day scrunched up in a ball. Bèi bùgòu, my dad says. The old house doesn’t have good insulation.
...
I lie on my back in the echocardiogram room. The doctor projects black and white blurry tunnels onto the old computer screen. She’s searching for something. The sound of crinkling paper on the medical bed. The cold goo of ultrasound gel covers my chest.
...
She finds what she is looking for and plays the sound for me.
*heart beat sounds*
It sounds faraway.
______Scene 3:
涼 Liáng Cool. Hands gesturing, measuring, down to the millimeter.
妳會看到 這個脊椎骨... 脊椎側曲.... 但現在這個地方妳拉到這麼高 了。妳本來只有這麼高，大概拉到原來的三倍了。1.8 到5.8 嘛. (You will see here the spine… scoliosis... But now you are now this wide in this area. You were originally only this wide, and it's probably tripled in width. 1.8 to 5.8.)
These are facts we can discuss with cutting edge machines that have told us these things, doctors who have researched these things. They have seen inside of me, they know what to do.
...
When I was younger, doctors looked at me and shook their head, their eyes filled with pity. I often heard the word “severe” 嚴重 when my manila folder got passed from doctor to doctor, country to country. Americans would look at me then carry on as usual. Taiwanese people just stare. Often times even point. For a long time I thought Americans were more polite. But now I think it’s just that Taiwanese people have less filter, and Americans are better at looking away. Sometimes I wonder what is worse: being stared at or not being seen at all.
...
I climb the mountain slowly, step by step. Sometimes when I’m breathing hard I can feel the metal in my chest.
I wonder what it would be like to get it taken out. The doctor told me it was possible, that it would be a small surgery 小手術. What does 小手術 even mean? What would the process be to let go of something you’ve carried for over 10 years?
The doctor slides the metal bar through the ribs of a standing skeleton.
這其實很簡單，我們會跟之前一樣在旁邊開個小切口，再把它拿出 來。這只是一個很小的手術。 (It is quite easy actually, we would make a small incision on the side like before, then slide it out. )
Easy, they say. We’ll take it out just like that, it would only be a small operation.
______Scene 4: 溫 (Wēn)
Warm. Ginger tea. Hot soup. Thermos and thermal blankets and socks. 保暖 杯 , 保暖襪 , 保暖帽. (Thermos, thermal socks, thermal hat). I get dressed up to go celebrate new years with friends. You’re not wearing enough my mom says. 愛水嘸驚流鼻水! (In Taiwanese: Love to look pretty, not afraid to have a runny nose.)
. ..
My dad buys my grandfather a new thermal blanket with infrared threads sewn into it. Next time we find my grandfather splayed out under the covers, relaxing in the warmth.
...
It’s a little weird to think about my mom’s life depending on a battery, keeping her heart pumping, keeping her alive. When I am near her, I hear the click, click, click of her heart beat weaves with her breath. My mother has a new ritual writing medicine jing. They live in a tall stack in the cupboard. She writes a page full of words then gets another page and fills that up too. It’s meditative she says.
She’s reaching her 10 year heart surgery anniversary. They need to replace the battery in her pacer. They said it will only be a 小手 術 (small surgery).
醫生跟我媽說 ：「我們會直接把它放進來，這只是一個很小的手術。」 We’ll put it in just like that, it would only be a small operation the doctors told my mother.
______
Scene 5: 熱 Rè Hot. I burn myself putting the incense in. I pull my hand back. Was that a bad omen? So many people have planted their incense already, finding a spot among the crowds of burning incense was almost impossible. I think about all the people that prayed before me today, for health, for family, for fortune, for safety, for love. I try again, nestling my incense among the others, carving out a space just big enough for my prayer in a sea of them, disappearing into the crowd as I let go. ...
After the cardiologist appointment, my dad is quiet. He books out of there. I follow him, asking questions about my next check-up.
- 不用啦。(No need.) - What? Why? - 你總是在找自己麻煩。(You’re always looking for trouble.) - What do you mean? - 啊那些都沒有用。(Ah, none of that is helpful.) -I need to do these check-up’s. - 隨便你. (Do whatever you want.)
He storms off.
... Lying face down, rainbow spots fill my eyes, dancing, flickering. Head pad on my stomach. My bodyworker presses her fingers into my back.
A bolt of lighting shoots down the front of my ribcage. I see wobbly shapes of white and blue and gold.
She says she follows my meridian channels: jīngluò. What’s that I ask. 「 經絡是看不到的，但它是人體裡的通路：連繫我們各器官和肢體，和 氣血的運行遍佈於全身。」
They are invisible, she says, but they are channels in the body, connecting all of your body and the chi that flows through it.
她把我的血管比喻為高速公路上的交通，説氣是車子行駛時的風。 She likens the blood veins to traffic moving down a highway, the chi being the wind from the cars.
My mom says, meridians are invisible, they cannot be seen by the eye. 「經絡是看不到的東西。」
It’s complicated and hard to explain. 「這很複雜也不好解釋。」
I keep my eyes closed and feel the energy moving through me, watching the colors dance behind my eyelids.
... What if there was some alternate universe where we stayed in Taiwan? Where my parents never left. Where I spoke broken English instead of Chinese. Where my mother and I would go see the same doctor down the road. Where my medical records stayed in one place, in a language I could read. Where we found care. Where I felt at home.
***
What if there was some alternate universe where we stayed in Taiwan? 在另一個世界裡，如果我們待在台灣，會是什麼樣子？
Where my parents never left. 如果我父母沒有離開過。
Where I spoke broken English instead of Chinese. 如果我說的是 破爛的英文，而不是破爛的中文。
Where my mother and I would go see the same doctor down the road. 我媽和我會去看街坊附近的同一位醫生。
Where my medical records stayed in one place, in a language I could read. 我的所有病歷都會被存放在同一個地方，而且那些文件 是會是用我看得懂的語言寫的。 Where we found care. 我們可以互相關懷的地方。
Where I felt at home. 一個我覺得是家的地方。
***
What if there was some alternate universe where we stayed in Taiwan? 在另一個世界裡，如果我們待在台灣，會是什麼樣子？
Where my parents never left. 如果我父母沒有離開過。
Where I spoke broken English instead of Chinese. 如果我說的是破爛的英文，而不是破爛的中文。
Where my mother and I would go see the same doctor down the road. 我媽和我會去看街坊附近的同一位醫生。
Where my medical records stayed in one place, in a language I could read. 我的所有病歷都會被存放在同一個地方，而且那些文件是會是用我看 得懂的語言寫的。
Where we found care. 我們可以互相關懷的地方。 Where I felt at home. 一個我覺得是家的地方。
***
在另一個世界裡，如果我們待在台灣，會是什麼樣子？ Zài lìng yīgè shìjiè lǐ, rúguǒ wǒmen dài zài táiwān, huì shì shénme yàngzi?
如果我父母沒有離開過。 Rúguǒ wǒ fùmǔ méiyǒu líkāiguò.
如果我說的是破爛的英文，而不是破爛的中文。 Rúguǒ wǒ shuō de shì pòlàn de yīngwén, ér bùshì pòlàn de zhōngwén.
我媽和我會去看街坊附近的同一位醫生。 Wǒ mā hé wǒ huì qù kàn jiēfāng fùjìn de tóngyī wèi yīshēng.
我的所有病歷都會被存放在同一個地方，而且那些文件是會是用我看 得懂的語言寫的。 Wǒ de suǒyǒu bìnglì dūhuì bèi cúnfàng zài tóng yīgè dìfāng, érqiě nàxiē wénjiàn shì huì shì yòng wǒ kàn dé dǒng de yǔyán xiě de. 我們可以互相關懷的地方。 Wǒmen kěyǐ hùxiāng guānhuái dì dìfāng.
一個我覺得是家的地方。 Yīgè wǒ juédé shì jiā dì dìfāng. ***
在另一個世界裡，如果我們待在台灣，會是什麼樣子？What if there was some alternate universe where we stayed in Taiwan?
如果我父母沒有離開過。W here my parents never left.
如果我說的是破爛的英文，而不是破爛的中文。 Where I spoke broken English instead of Chinese.
我媽和我會去看街坊附近的同一位醫生。Wher e my mother and I would go see the same doctor down the road.
我的所有病歷都會被存放在同一個地方，而且那些文件是會是用我看 得懂的語言寫的。Where my medical records stayed in one place, in a language I could read.
我們可以互相關懷的地方。Wher e we found care.
一個我覺得是家的地方。W here I felt at home. ***
在另一個世界裡，如果我們待在台灣，會是什麼樣子？ 如果我父母沒有離開過。
如果我說的是破爛的英文，而不是破爛的中文。 我媽和我會去看街坊附近的同一位醫生。 我的所有病歷都會被存放在同一個地方，而且那些文件是會是用我看 得懂的語言寫的。
我們可以互相關懷的地方。
一個我覺得是家的地方。
______
Scene 6: 平Píng (Balanced) My father shows me the things he finds most beautiful. Even after we say mean things to each other, he always comes back, showing me a mountain view or a house full of orchids.
看， 蘭花！( Look, Orchid!) ...
The abundance of this land is more than we can experience in our lifetimes. 這片土地的豐富度，超越了我們這一世代窮盡一生也無法完全體會 的。
The abundance of our lifetime is more than we can experience in all of the land. 我們一生的豐富程度，超越了我們在世上任何地方所能完全體會到的 經驗。
We let go and find ourselves in seas of magenta and purple butterflies.
- End -
______
Credits
Re:collections (v.1 presented at Ars Nova 2021)
Directed and Written by YO-YO LIN 林友友 Translated by ANNETTE AN-JEN LIU 劉安蓁 Music by DESPINA
Special Thanks
Mom & Dad Lin Siblings A-gong Xie Si Fu Kuan Zhen Sean Si Fu Dr. Zhu Dr. Chang Zack Filkoff Pelenakeke Brown Yidan Zeng Jasmine Lin Avneesh Sarwate David V Britton Skylar & Kara Sean Baptist Chih-Hwa Yolanda Chen 陳之華 A million thanks to the ancestors and gods that guided me for this project.