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30 ROCK "Hard to Swallow" Written by Sam Mandragona

Sam Mandragona [email protected] 609 819 5921 1.

ACT ONE FADE IN: EXT. 45TH STREET - DAY LIZ LEMON is walking down the street and stops at a store to watch some people play Rock Band. She glances up at the TVs in the window to see CNBC with the caption title "GE and Rooster Roaster Merger." CUT TO: INT. GE BOARD ROOM - DAY Seated at the conference table are DON GEISS, JACK DONAGHY, COLONEL AUGUSTUS SHERIDAN, the Chairman of Rooster Roaster and JONAH FLEMING, the CEO of The BIG Network with an unknown woman. The press conference is underway. DON GEISS This is the greatest opportunity in the history of General Electric to prepare us for the future. Everybody at the table nods their approval and smiles. DON GEISS (CONT'D) Isn't that right Colonel Sheridan? The Colonel is a tall man with white muttonchops, wearing a tan suit with a large cowboy hat. He stands and picks up the microphone to make his point. COLONEL SHERIDAN Well, Great Balls of Fire, this here is 'bout the finest business deal I rightly done since I started sellin' chicken tenders from the back of my 1965 Vista Cruiser wagon. The Colonel sits down as Don Geiss motions for a question from the reporters. REPORTER 1 Mr. Geiss, you each own a television network, NBC and the BIG Network. Will this pose a problem for FCC approval? 2. Jack clears his throat and motions to Don Geiss who nods approvingly. CUT TO: INT. THE 8TH FLOOR OF 30 ROCK - DAY The elevator doors open and Liz Lemon enters the hallway. Many of the workers are gathered around watching the hallway TV monitors. KENNETH comes over and is clearly nervous. KENNETH Ms. Lemon! What does this mean? I'm frightened. LIZ There's nothing to be afraid of. KENNETH What will become of our beloved and proud peacock? Taken over by heathens and harlots. Kenneth brushes his lapel pin. LIZ I'm sure Mr Donaghy will take care of everything. KENNETH I don't know Ms. Lemon. The newspapers are saying terrible things. Kenneth shows her various newspaper covers with different corny titles, "Peacock Plucked", "GE Cooked", "Well Done" "Cock-A-Doodle Due" "Size Matters" and one newspaper Kenneth is hesitant to show. LIZ What does that one say? KENNETH It's shameful. Beware the crow of the cock for it harbors the evil of men. The work of the Devil. Kenneth shows her the newspaper. Liz grimaces. LIZ Can they say that? In print? Kenneth looks at the newspaper quizzically. The front page shows a rooster with peacock feathers. The headline says "Big Cock Network!" 3. KENNETH I don't see why not--Oh my Lord! You're right. I told you. It's the work of the Dark Lord and his demons from the New York Post. They turn to watch the press conference on the TV monitors. CUT TO: INT. GE BOARD ROOM - CONTINUOUS JACK I will be preparing the necessary due diligence with the BIG Network leaders. Jack motions to Jonah Fleming who is engaged in a conversation with the woman and not paying attention to what is going on. REPORTER 1 Are you concerned about the FCC approval? Ownership of two networks faces media monopoly jurisdiction. JACK We don't see this as a problem and will meet whatever requirements the FCC deems necessary. Another reporter asks a question. REPORTER 2 How will you deal with the fact that the BIG Network is predominately exploitative programming? JACK And your point is? Everybody loves breasts and thighs. I'm sorry, was it chicken we were talking about? The reporter ignores Jack's joke and continues. REPORTER 2 The BIG Network is on a perpetual 15 second delay to avoid any inappropriate material.

JACK We see no problem with that. Besides, the benefits of this combined merger will make us recession proof. 4. REPORTER 2 Even with advertising revenues remaining flat? JACK True, but this new company represents exactly what people crave most. Nuclear reactors, turbines, fast food and sex. Isn't that right? Jonah? Jack motions to Jonah Fleming who stops talking to the woman and leans into the microphone JONAH FLEMING I couldn't agree more. In this economy what else is there to do but eat and-- The screen cuts to color bars. CUT TO: INT. THE 8TH FLOOR OF 30 ROCK - CONTINUOUS Liz and Kenneth are startled at what they just saw on the TV. The voice of TRACY JORDAN is heard coming down the hallway. TRACY Liz Lemon! Did you hear what was just said on the TV? My "special" word. LIZ Of course, I heard it. Everybody did. TRACY How come he can say it and I can't? My reputation is sufferin'. I'm like a neutered version of Scarface. KENNETH Mr. Jordan. You don't need to bring yourself down to the level of hoodlums and gangsters. You're a real star. TRACY Then how come P-Diddy won't invite me to his parties? LIZ Tracy, we spoke about this before. (MORE) 5. LIZ (CONT'D) Don't make me wash your mouth out with soap again. Tracy reacts with horror at the thought. TRACY Oh! not that. When my mouth started foamin' Grizz thought I had rabies. He called the ASPCA on me. They are interrupted by CERI. CERI I'm sorry Ms. Lemon. Mr Donaghy just called. He needs you in his office in 15 minutes. LIZ This can't be good. (under her breath) Should I bring my soap? Liz walks away and heads towards her office. CUT TO: INT. JACK'S OFFICE - DAY Jack is with Jonah Fleming discussing the fallout from the press conference. Jack is clearly annoyed with Jonah. JACK There is no 15 second delay on CNBC. Your remark was heard around the world and probably picked up by at least three UFOs circling the earth. JONAH FLEMING Why don't you loosen your over starched tie and relax. JACK Do you understand what's at stake here? This will be the biggest merger in the world next to the marriage of Madonna and Prince Harry. Jonah leans back in his chair and picks up an award which looks like a lightbulb. Jack carefully takes it from Jonah's hand and places it gently back on the table. 6. JACK (CONT'D) Easy there, that was for my first bright idea at GE, the consolidated off switch for disarming a nuclear reactor meltdown. Not many people receive the "Sacred Bulb" award. I have six. A record. JONAH FLEMING (sarcastically) I get it, Jack. JACK What you're going to get is this. The FCC wants us to show the benefit of the combined network. JONAH FLEMING Before the actual merger is approved? What if I say no? JACK If not, then they're fine with turning the BIG Network into a home shopping channel for locomotives and chicken wings. Jonah reaches for another "lightbulb award." Jack looks disapprovingly and Jonah pulls his hand back. JONAH FLEMING Easy there "ke-mo sah-bee" we'll work it out. Your success is my success. JACK Not exactly. Your success is tied to money, beautiful women and the infantile behavior associated with immature millionaires and Democrats celebrating the end of the Bush administration. Jonah nods approvingly and smiles. JACK (CONT'D) For me, this is corporate Viagra. It's about power and lasting control.

Jack adjusts his suit and fixes his tie. JACK (CONT'D) And of course the infantile behavior associated with immature millionaires. 7. They both laugh and shake hands as Jonah exits the office. Jack picks up the "lightbulb award" and polishes it as he places it back on the desk. He pumps his fist in excitement. CUT TO: INT. THE WRITERS ROOM - DAY The writers are gathered around the table discussing the merger. Liz Lemon is trying to calm them down. A video of the BIG Network's show, "Wild Women With Talent" is playing. LIZ Listen up! This isn't as bad as it looks. All Mr. Donaghy wants is a new show that will combine the best of ours with the best of theirs. FRANK But those guys suck! I've seen better jokes written on a bathroom stall. LUTZ The network is nothing but MILFs, WILFs and filth. FRANK Totally engrossing programming for the juvenile masses of pimply teens and perverts. You got me. I'm sold. LUTZ It's hopeless. No matter what we come up with we couldn't compete with lingerie rugby in heels or bikini cat-fights in Cool Whip. LIZ If we don't do this, then the FCC will cancel the merger. The writers shrug and fold their arms in protest. LIZ (CONT'D) If that happens then I don't want to be here when Mr. Donaghy appears dressed as a postal worker with that strange far away look in his eyes.

CUT TO: INT. THE 8TH FLOOR OF 30 ROCK - DAY Jack Donaghy is dressed in a postal uniform with red glowing eyes and is walking through the hallway reminiscent of "The 8. Terminator." Everyone is running and screaming as he walks through the corridors. CUT TO: INT. THE WRITERS ROOM - CONTINUOUS The writers agree and begin to toss out ideas. There is a knock at the door. LIZ See, the family that plays together stays together. Some of the writers from the other show are going to join us. Be nice. The door opens and Kenneth escorts in a few people. KENNETH Ms. Lemon. Allow me to introduce the writing team from the BIG Network. This is Jim Dugan, Sheila Samuels and-- LIZ SETH BRONSTEIN! If I get my hands on you it's all over. Liz jumps out of her seat and has to be restrained by Frank and Lutz. SETH Just like old times. She can't keep her hands away from me. Liz is pulled kicking and screaming into her office. She is heard on the phone calling Jack Donaghy. The writers run out of the conference room. CUT TO: INT. JACK'S OFFICE - DAY Liz enter the office abruptly. Jack motions for her to sit down. She does then stands back up. LIZ There is no way I will work with Seth Bronstein. No Way!

JACK What is it this time Lemon? (MORE) 9. JACK (CONT'D) I haven't seen you this upset since that video of you getting thrown out of the Cash Cab was posted on YouTube. CUT TO: EXT. TAXI STOPPED ON STREET - EVENING Liz is outside the cab and arguing with the cabdriver host. LIZ Everyone knows The Phantom Menace is the best Star Wars movie. CAB DRIVER HOST Well, you're wrong and you lost! LIZ Oh yeah! You're a-- The camera crew from the show comes too close to Liz who starts shoving the lens out of her face while she is still arguing. CUT TO: INT. JACK'S OFFICE - CONTINUOUS LIZ That was horrible. I received hate mail from kids who could only write in crayon and had to get a restraining order against that 12 year old boy who kept calling me a "Jar Jar Stinks." JACK As hard as that probably was Lemon, what is the problem with Seth? It's not like you're the Captain and Tennille. It's television. LIZ You know I love "Muskrat Love." JACK We all do, Lemon.

Jack and Liz shakes their heads in agreement. LIZ We used to date when we were both writing for Saturday Night Live. Somehow he would steal my ideas. 10. JACK Oh Lemon, grow up. Everybody steals secrets and then lies about it. Military plans, extramarital affairs, weapons of mass destruction. Nothing is sacred. That's what makes this country great. LIZ See, I would get ideas while I was sleeping and write them down on a pad. CUT TO: INT. BEDROOM IN LIZ LEMON'S APARTMENT - NIGHT Liz is sleeping when suddenly she wakes up laughing hysterically. She turns on her light and reaches for a pad and pen. She quickly writes something down, laughs as she shuts out the light and goes back to sleep. LIZ (V.O.) After Seth and I started dating he started to pitch similar ideas. CUT TO: INT. SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE WRITERS ROOM - EVENING Liz, Seth and the writers are pitching sketches. Liz begins to offer up an idea but Seth interrupts her. LORNE MICHAELS Gee Liz. Why can't you come up with ideas like Seth. He's like Mel Brooks, only taller. CUT TO: INT. JACK'S OFFICE - CONTINUOUS LIZ After we slept together, he found my pad with ideas and would copy them. What a jerk! He used me. JACK Okay Lemon. I have tried to pull you kicking and screaming from that primordial tidal pool you call your life. It's time you started to shed your fins and grow a pair. The phone rings and Jack picks it up. It is Don Geiss. 11. JACK (CONT'D) Yes, sir. I understand. No. I will. Yes. No problem. Thank you, sir. Jack puts the phone down and sits back in his chair looking dejected. LIZ What's the matter, Jack? What did Mr. Geiss want? JACK The GE stock value dropped to the point where the merger is now a hostile takeover. LIZ What does that mean? JACK It means Lemon, that I will not be the new Chairman of the GE Rooster Roaster Corporation. In fact, this might be the end of the General Electric company and NBC. LIZ This sucks. Maybe you can slip some poison in one of the Colonel's chicken wings. JACK Lemon, that's it. A poison pill! LIZ Jack, you can't be serious. And I won't visit you in prison. I don't like the way those men behave in the showers. JACK No, in business, a poison pill defense is used to thwart unwarranted advances. Imagine you dressed as Princess Leia at a Star Wars convention for 10 years old. CUT TO:

INT. STAR WARS CONVENTION HALL - DAY Liz is dressed as Princess Leia in the costume from Empire Strikes Back. 12. She is surrounded by young boys dressed in costumes that are leering at her. CUT TO: INT. JACK'S OFFICE - CONTINUOUS LIZ Not that. Please. I get it. JACK I need to find a way to make GE unappetizing for Rooster Roaster to swallow. There is a knock at the door. JENNA enters Jack's office dressed like Jessica Simpson in the Dukes of Hazzard. JENNA Here you are Liz. I was looking all over for you and Mr. Donaghy. There is no way I'm going to do this chicken sketch underwater in a halter top. Jack jumps up from his chair excitedly. JACK That's it. The Jessica Simpson Chicken of the Sea Poison Pill defense! Liz and Jenna look confused. Jack is ecstatic. JACK (CONT'D) I'm going to drive the value of their overpriced stock so far down that they'll be underwater. Worthless. Like "Chicken of the Sea." LIZ How are you going to do that? JACK Easy. We'll give them a public relations fiasco from which they'll never recover. Who is our biggest star? JENNA (interrupting) Okay, I'll do it! Jack ignores Jenna. 13. JACK We'll have Tracy Jordan choke on a chicken bone at a Rooster Roaster Roostaurant. The publicity will be enough to cause great embarrassment and the stock to drop. LIZ Are you sure? I don't know. Tracy can be quite unreliable. JENNA You don't have to insist. I said I'd do it. I'm an actress. I was born to die. Jenna starts to make choking noises. Jack and Liz continue to ignore her. JACK He has to do it. If this fails we all may be frying chicken at the nearest Roostaurant. Jenna stops her choking at the thought of her cooking. JENNA Oh, I don't touch fried foods. It makes my skin molt. You need to find someone else. JACK I'll go see Tracy myself. CUT TO: INT. TRACY JORDAN'S OFFICE - DAY Jack Donaghy is sitting in a chair while Tracy is eating a bucket of Rooster Roaster chicken. TRACY I just love this chicken. Mr Fleming told me I could have as much chicken I want for life! JACK Tracy, NBC is in a battle for its own life. We are facing our own Waterloo. Tracy's eyes begin to widen and he looks demented. 14. TRACY You know I hate ABBA songs. They bug me out. Tracy starts singing the song "Waterloo." JACK No Tracy, I'm talking about Napoleon's defeat at the Battle of Waterloo. The BIG Network will be taking over if we don't stop them. TRACY You mean I'll have to become a butler? That writer Seth wants me, a free and proud black man, to play Red Butler in one of the skits. JACK Rhett Butler? It doesn't matter. What matters is I need your help. We need your help. TRACY Just like we need Obama? Jack hesitates to compose himself. JACK Just like...Obama. TRACY I haven't felt this important since Jim Brown called me a disgrace to all people of color. Everybody knows black is the absence of color. Tracy gets up to leave and Jack pulls him back. JACK Tracy? The plan? I need to tell you what to do or are we going to "Vulcan Mind Meld" again? TRACY No! That hurt my ears for a week. Let's just use our mouths and listen. Jack looks around the office suspiciously. He leans close to Tracy and whispers in his ear. Tracy nods and smiles. FADE OUT: END OF ACT ONE 15.

ACT TWO INT. THE WRITERS ROOM - EVENING The writers are seated around the table. There is tension evident between Liz and Seth. LIZ For the last time, a skit about naked lawyers is not going to fly on NBC. SETH Liz, the point is we will cover them with black bars. They have to pass their "Bar" Exam. Liz seethes with anger. LIZ Is that the best you could come up with? That's it! Everybody get out of here. We're done for today. Liz walks into her office and slams the door leaving her pad on the table. The writers all get up and leave the room except for Seth. He spots her pad and slips it under his arm and walks out. CUT TO: INT. JACK'S OFFICE - EVENING Jack is sitting at his desk holding his cherished "lightbulb" award and looks sullen. There is a bank of TV monitors with various news channels on. Suddenly on MSNBC he sees a "Breaking News" report. CUT TO: INT. CLOSE UP OF TV SCREEN - MOMENTS LATER The caption reads "Tracy Jordan being hospitalized after choking incident in restaurant." The MSNBC Correspondent is standing in front of a Rooster Roaster Roostaurant. The doors open up with Tracy on a stretcher being wheeled out. CORRESPONDENT TRACY! Are you okay. What happened in there? CUT TO: 16. INT. JACK'S OFFICE - CONTINUOUS Jack sits up and turns the volume louder. He is still holding his "lightbulb" award. JACK He's done it! I can't believe it. CUT TO: EXT. ROOSTER ROASTER ROOSTAURANT - MOMENTS LATER Tracy lifts himself up to answer the question from the CORRESPONDENT. The correspondent leans forward with her microphone. TRACY I was just eating my delicious dinner when suddenly something caught in my throat. I couldn't breathe. I couldn't even pray to the Lord or call Mr. Heimlich to save me. CORRESPONDENT There was a earlier report about a possible chicken bone in your food. Do you know what it was? TRACY I think I do. I was eating my Rooster Roaster chicken platter with French Fries... CUT TO: INT. JACK'S OFFICE - CONTINUOUS Jack is ecstatic at his desk. He stands up. CUT TO: EXT. ROOSTER ROASTER ROOSTAURANT - MOMENTS LATER TRACY I felt something sharp pinch down my throat and felt stuck. I couldn't breathe. Tracy is acting out what happened while is is on the stretcher. TRACY (CONT'D) I reached into my throat with my fingers and pulled this out. 17. Tracy is holding up a French fry. CUT TO: INT. JACK'S OFFICE - CONTINUOUS JACK (screaming) NO! NO! Chicken! Not a French fry. CHICKEN! What happened to the chicken bone? CUT TO: EXT. ROOSTER ROASTER ROOSTAURANT - MOMENTS LATER TRACY I think this was a plot by the French government because they lost the Battle of Waterloo to the U.S. Marines. CORRESPONDENT I don't quite understand? Waterloo? Secret plot? TRACY That's right! The French government is upset that a black man is funnier than Jerry Lewis. Tracy raises himself up and leans forward. TRACY (CONT'D) Everybody knows that Tracy Jordan is the funniest man alive. CORRESPONDENT So there was no foreign object in your chicken? TRACY It was the French, I tell you. Tracy is wheeled into the ambulance. TRACY (CONT'D) Au Revoir!

CUT TO: INT. JACK'S OFFICE - CONTINUOUS Jack sits down slowly. He is still clutching the "lightbulb" until his hand loses his grip. 18. The award falls slowly out of his hand. JACK (dreamily) "ROSE-TAH..." The "lightbulb" hits his desk and shatters. He has fainted. The door flings open and a shadowy figure enters the room. FADE OUT: INT. 30 ROCK STUDIO FLOOR - EVENING The hallways are bustling with activity as the cast and crew prepare for the show. Pete Hornberger is rushing down the hallway looking for Jenna. He stops at Kenneth's desk. PETE Kenneth. Have you seen Jenna? The band needs to rehearse her number. KENNETH I'm sorry Mr. Hornberger. I've not seen hide nor golden hair of Ms. Maroney. PETE Okay, Thanks. If you do see her tell her she has to get to the stage ASAP. Make that double ASAP! KENNETH Absolutely. I will have one of the Pages find her. Pete runs back down the hallway, knocking into a few people and disappears through the studio doors. Kenneth is scanning the hallway looking for Jenna. JENNA (O.S.) Kenneth. Come here. Kenneth turns around to see who called for him. He sees a woman with funny buck teeth. He is startled. KENNETH Grandma? Is that really you? I knew you'd come back. Just like Harry Houdini said.

JENNA KENNETH! How dare you. Do I look like a grandma! Why, I'm not even old enough to be your...sister! 19. KENNETH Oh, Ms. Maroney, I'm sorry. With those teeth you look just like Grandma Parcell. Did you have your teeth fixed? JENNA Of course not. My teeth are perfect. What did you think? KENNETH Well, before my Grandma died she placed her teeth in a jar. Sometimes when I'm lonely I put them on and we talk together. JENNA No, this is for the big finale. They want me to sing Jerry Lee Lewis songs dressed as Jerry Lewis. Kenneth looks confused then remembers Pete's instructions. KENNETH That's right. Ms. Maroney, you have to get to the stage double ASAP! They need to rehearse your number. JENNA Thanks, Kenneth. And, I'm sorry about your grandma. KENNETH Oh don't you worry. One day I know she'll come back and we can finish that Scrabble game. She was so very good with words. Jenna leaves and runs down the hallway to the studio. Liz Lemon and Jack Donaghy are approaching the control room. LIZ I told you it was crazy to trust Tracy. JACK Lemon, sometimes the best laid plans can go awry. It happened to Kennedy at the Bay of Pigs and Liza Minnelli with David "What's His Name?" LIZ I was more concerned about you. I heard the glass break in your office. 20. JACK What you heard Lemon was the shattering of my dream. I haven't fainted since Ross Perot almost picked me as his running mate back in '96. They stop walking and Jack turns to Liz. JACK (CONT'D) We'll keep that quiet. Right, Lemon? LIZ Sure Jack. It'll be our secret. Jack looks at her suspiciously. He walks away, turns back for a moment and then continues down the hallway to the control room. LIZ (CONT'D) No, really. It's not like I'm Dick Cheney or something. I Promise! CUT TO: INT. 30 ROCK STUDIO FLOOR -CONTINUOUS Kenneth hears the sound of cock crowing from the studio and is startled. He looks at his watch and becomes nervous. KENNETH Oh my word. The prophecy of doom is upon us. "Twice shall the cock crow at night to welcome the harbinger of evil." CUT TO: INT. 30 ROCK STUDIO FLOOR - LATER Jack emerges from a room near the control room. He is walking fast and is followed by a crew member. He is headed back towards the elevators to meet Don Geiss and his guests. CREW MEMBER But Mr. Donaghy, you don't understand. JACK Not now. Mr. Geiss is arriving.

CREW MEMBER But it's important! Jack continues his brisk pace and waves the man off. 21. CREW MEMBER (CONT'D) It's not working. The 15 second delay is not working. CUT TO: INT. 30 ROCK STUDIO FLOOR - CONTINUOUS Liz enters Tracy Jordan's dressing room without knocking. Tracy's back is to the door. LIZ Tracy! We have to talk TRACY Liz Lemon? Tracy turns abruptly to face Liz. TRACY (CONT'D) (talks like Scarface) Say hello to my little friend. Liz covers her face in fear and screams. TRACY (CONT'D) Meet Worf. He's teaching me to speak Klingonese. Tracy is holding a small Star Trek doll which talks in Klingonese and English. Tracy pulls the string of the doll. LIZ Tracy, It's very important you follow the script exactly. No special words. TRACY (talking in Klingonese with subtitles) We don't need to listen to this bitch. I can say what I want. LIZ (responds in Klingonese with subtitles) Don't be so arrogant, little man. I'll cut your 3 gonads out and hang them around my neck like a trophy.

LIZ (CONT'D) (In English) Remember. No special words. (MORE) 22. LIZ (CONT'D) (speaks in Klingonese with subtitles) And, don't call me bitch. I still have my soap. Liz walks out of the office. Tracy looks at the doll and pulls the string. KLINGON DOLL (in Klingonese with subtitles) Do not fear. You are Klingon. You are the stronger. Speak as you must. Tracy smiles and puts the doll down on a table. CUT TO: INT. 30 ROCK STUDIO FLOOR - CONTINUOUS Jack greets Don Geiss and Colonel Sheridan as the elevators open. The Colonel walks over to the buffet table and is asking some questions. DON GEISS Jack, I know this must be killing you inside but you've really shown your dedication to GE. JACK Thank you sir. Have you two reached an accord? DON GEISS Yes, the Colonel will oversee the day to day and I'll be bumped up even higher as the Vice Chairman Emeritus Maximus. JACK That is superb, sir. Jack and Don Geiss whisper to each other. DON GEISS I hate that chicken plucker and even my board cronies can't stop the value of the stock buy. They're just too big. Damn, that George Bush! JACK Well sir, no reason to hyper-ventilate about the past. I'll get you a paper bag to breathe in. 23. DON GEISS Jack, I was hoping you would have thought of something to stop this. Jack abruptly walks back to the control room. CUT TO: INT. TGS SHOW STUDIO SET - MOMENTS LATER The set is designed to look like Tara from "Gone With the Wind." Jenna enters the scene dressed as Scarlett O'Hara, except she has teeth like Jerry Lewis from the Nutty Professor. She is accompanied by another actress playing her sister, Cathleen. JENNA (talking like Jerry Lewis) Who is that man, Cathleen? Look, over yonder. CATHLEEN (also talks like Jerry Lewis) My Dear, why that is Rhett Butler! Tracy Jordan enters the stage dressed as Rhett Butler. The audience cheers and Tracy takes a bow. JENNA He looks as if he knows what I look like without my shimmy. TRACY Hell, I know what you look like without your clothes on too. I see you every night through my telescope. CUT TO: INT. STUDIO CONTROL ROOM - MOMENTS LATER Jack is standing next to Liz Lemon. He looks at her with surprise. JACK This is the best you could come up with, Lemon? A spoof of "Gone With the Wind?" LIZ Wait, you ain't seen nothing yet. CUT TO: 24. INT. TGS SHOW STUDIO SET - MOMENTS LATER The scene is continuing with Tracy and Jenna. JENNA Well, great balls of fire! TRACY How'd you know I have a pair-- CUT TO: INT. STUDIO CONTROL ROOM - MOMENTS LATER The director and control room staff are laughing. Jack and Liz are standing in the back. Pete is sitting next to Seth. PETE Are you kidding me? You told me you had this great idea. This is it? SETH It's not really my idea. It's...Liz...I mean, it was originally...Liz? PETE Liz told me to trust you. She said you were like Mel Brooks, only wearing shoe lifts. Pete points to the monitors in the control room. PETE (CONT'D) Do you see what's on that screen? CUT TO: INT. CLOSE UP OF TV SCREEN - MOMENTS LATER Tracy is running around the stage with smoke coming from the crotch of his pants. Jenna is singing the song "Great Balls of Fire" in her Jerry Lewis voice. CUT TO: INT. 30 ROCK STUDIO FLOOR - CONTINUOUS The executives are eating the food. Don Geiss is especially taken with platters of small round tasty chicken. Kenneth approaches him. KENNETH Are you enjoying the food, Mr. Geiss. 25. DON GEISS Why yes. These are especially tasty. A little on the hot side. A slight fiery tang to them. KENNETH Those are my favorites too. Although I haven't had them since Grandma passed. They are quite the delicacy. DON GEISS She must have been quite the cook. KENNETH Grandma not only enjoyed cooking them but she was quite taken with making them fresh. CUT TO: EXT. SLIGHTLY RUNDOWN FARM IN APPALACHIA - DAWN An elderly woman is seen entering a chicken pen. She is carrying an axe in one hand and a plastic bag in another. KENNETH (V.O.) Grandma would wake up at the crack of dawn and go looking for the roosters. The chickens are alerted to her presence and begin to run. A rooster begins to crow in a high pitch. KENNETH (V.O.) (CONT'D) The ones she already caught had a very high pitched cock- a-doodle-do. All the roosters are crowing now. She grabs one with a low pitch crow. KENNETH (V.O.) (CONT'D) It only took a few seconds but she knew just how to get those testes out of the rooster fast. CUT TO: INT. 30 ROCK STUDIO FLOOR - CONTINUOUS

Don Geiss stops chewing abruptly. 26. DON GEISS Excuse me did you say testes? I've been eating-- CUT TO: INT. TGS SHOW STUDIO SET - MOMENTS LATER JENNA (singing) Great balls of fire-- CUT TO: INT. 30 ROCK STUDIO FLOOR - CONTINUOUS KENNETH Absolutely sir. Rooster testicles are a favored delicacy in Taiwan, Malaysia and small farms in the hills of Appalachia. Colonel Sheridan notices Don Geiss is eating the rooster delicacies and decides to join him. COLONEL SHERIDAN Enjoying those rooster nuggets? A real source of strength for us business warriors. Don looks ill and glares at the Colonel. COLONEL SHERIDAN (CONT'D) Maybe I should be promoted from Colonel to General...ahem... Electric? What do you say Don? Don Geiss puts his food down on the table in disgust. DON GEISS Nuts! Don walks away and down the hall to the control room. CUT TO: INT. TGS SHOW STUDIO SET -MOMENTS LATER The finale of the skit is the front door to Tara, the mansion. Tracy and Jenna are facing each other through the door. JENNA Oh Rhett, Rhett, If you go where will I go? What shall I do? 27. TRACY Frankly my dear, I don't give a-- CUT TO: INT. STUDIO CONTROL ROOM - MOMENTS LATER The control room is in pandemonium. Seth runs out. PETE At least the delay was on. Boy I'd hate to see what the FCC would say if it wasn't. LIZ Damn that Tracy! Where's my soap? The crew member who was looking for Jack earlier approaches him nervously. CREW MEMBER Mr. Donaghy, I don't know how to tell you but the 15 second delay was turned off. No one knows how. A ringtone sounding like AC/DC's "Dirty Deeds Done Dirt Cheap" startles them. It is Jack's cell phone. JACK Donaghy here. Yes Mr. Chairman. Of course we thought the 15 second delay was in place. No-- Liz and Pete look at each other nervously. JACK (CONT'D) Yes, I understand. I will personally inform Mr Geiss. Jack walks out of the control room followed by Liz. CUT TO: INT. 30 ROCK STUDIO FLOOR - CONTINUOUS Jack looks down and the forlornly looks up at Liz. LIZ What is it? Oh no, I'm sorry, Jack.

JACK (ecstatic) Sorry? That was the FCC. They said no way in hell they would ever approve it. The deal's off. 28. Jack reaches to hug Liz when he hesitates. She also backs away. LIZ Wow! That's unbelievable. What luck! JACK The Rooster Roster stock is already falling in after hour trading. By morning they'll be underwater. They can't take us over. LIZ That's great. I guess it's back to the old GE business of nuclear holocausts and executive meltdowns. Jack smiles at the thought. JACK Lemon, let me ask you something. Did you intentionally write the worst material ever to set Seth up to fail? LIZ Well, let me ask you. Did you sabotage the delay? They are interrupted by the music finale. It is a reprise of "Great Balls of Fire". JACK Well Lemon, it really does look like you're out of that tidal pool and on your way. LIZ You really think so? JACK Why, if I look close enough I think not only have your fins evolved to limbs but it looks like you grew a pair of-- CUT TO: JENNA (O.S.) (singing) Great balls of fire. FADE OUT: END OF EPISODE